#emotionally immature adults

[thatbadadvice]

Dear Bad Advisor,

thank you for taking my query into consideration! I'll also take good advice, if you think my predicament is worthy of it. I guess I'll see what you decide on.

Here's my situation:

When we met my husband's family over Christmas, we talked about the upcoming birthday weekend for my kid, near the end of January. Since it was already planned that my husband's mother and sister would spend two days with my kid at the beginning of February, I asked if they were okay with just celebrating my kid's birthday then, since the birthday weekend itself was already very packed. When I say packed, I mean that we had a lot of children over on Saturday and a few of the grandparents on Sunday. They agreed because my kid is only three and they said they understand that it would be overwhelming if too much was going on at the same time.

About a week before the birthday weekend, the fact that my husband's mother had made quite a few comments about wanting to spend "birthday time" with my kid made me reconsider and I invited her for the Sunday of the birthday weekend. She accepted, but immediately switched to commenting that it would probably all be a bit much for my kid. I told her she didn't have to come if she was worried about that. She was offended I suggested that.

Then after the birthday weekend, she commented that her daughter (my sister-in-law) would have wanted to celebrate with my kid too. I said she still could, at the beginning if February, like we originally planned. My husband's aunt commented the same thing to me. My sister-in-law hasn't contacted me for weeks, which is unusual for her. I'm worried she's really upset with me and I didn't notice.

I told my husband's mother and aunt that I feel like I'm made out to be the bad guy no matter what I do. First I invite too many people, then not enough.

They said I should have planned a party with all of them in the first place. I said they should have told me that's what they want when we first talked about it in December. Then we could have talked about it. But I planned a birthday party for all the kids, which was what my kid really wanted, and I tried to make time for all the grandparents and aunts and uncles when it was sensible.

Somehow, even though my kid had a wonderful birthday she still tells everyone about every day, I feel really guilty and sad. Is there a way for me to keep everyone happy? It doesn't feel like it, and I really don't know if I should even try.

Readers sometimes send Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them. If you’d like to submit a question for a Good Advice Interlude, use the “ask” form!

The advice I’m going to offer here is predicated on one very important piece of information, which I don’t have: Whether or not your husband is literally capable of communicating with his family.

Is your husband literally capable of communicating with his family? I don’t mean “he’s very important/busy at work” or "he's training for the Iron Man" or “they have a complicated history” or “he’s on Mars and has limited access to email” or "he must protect the nuclear codes from the bad guys who are chasing him down La Cienega as we speak," which are all circumstances in which your husband remains fully capable of communicating with his family and planning for and around any communication challenges. I mean is he literally capable? If so, that’s his job now.

If your husband’s relatives don’t get certain information or invitations or cards or edible arrangements from your husband because he’s busy or forgot or has ADHD or is stressed out or depressed or fell asleep or went on a long hike without his phone, then they don’t get whatever that was, and it’s his fault and his responsibility to correct. If there’s beef, your husband can: (1) resolve the conflict with his relatives. If that doesn’t work, or he doesn’t want to, or he’d rather you do it, he can (2) not resolve the conflict with his relatives. If your husband's relatives harass you because he's not sending them information they need or not resolving conflict with them or not responding to their complaints, you can tell them "You’ll have to talk to Dale about that!" until they come up with something to talk to you about besides demanding you carry 100% of the Family Togetherness And Emotional Wellbeing Load. Imagine how many wonderful things there are on earth to discuss besides haranguing you about a 3-year-old's birthday plans! I bet your husband’s relatives can find one fast when you become a no-reply inbox that issues mailer-daemon errors every time they start up with complaints about how y'all manage your life and your family. 

If Dale (sorry, your husband's name is Dale now) won't be the first point of contact for his own family, then that is tough tittums for his family. The current arrangement is undoubtedly already and always tough tittums for you – why is that okay? – so what do you have to lose? Why is it fine for you to be the one person carrying sole responsibility not only for planning a 3-year-old's birthday party (in which you gave these people FLEXIBLE ATTENDANCE OPTIONS APLENTY) but for managing the pissy feelings of a bunch of pissy grown-ass adults who can articulate their own pissy needs, drive their own pissy cars, buy their own pissy Metrocards, hire their own pissy taxis, prepare their own pissy food, put on their own pissy shoes, and can — most importantly — show up when and where they are invited, or not, and not be pissy about it!!!! Sure, it’s “just” your kid's birthday party today, but it's also the next, what thirty or forty or fifty years of your life? Of being the Official Cruise Director And Liaison of All Things Fambly But Also The Help Who Gets Hollered At When The Napkins Are Not Ironed To Lady Grantham's Liking? Man, fuck that!

So, okay. On the off chance your husband is not literally capable of communicating with his family (he is dead? I feel like you would have said that, but anything’s possible), then you’re going to have to do this next part instead. Actually, you should do this next part even if Dale does turn out to be sentient and graciously agrees to field pissy texts from his pissy sister because he’s the greatest man alive and does incredible favors for people that go above and beyond the typical realm of human generosity and goodness, such as talking to his own mother about his own child’s birthday party.

You’re gonna figure out exactly how much other-adults-feelings-management you’re comfortable doing, and then do about a quarter of that amount. Ideally even less. Let’s talk about some of what you wrote:

“... my husband's mother had made quite a few comments about wanting to spend ‘birthday time’ with my kid made me reconsider and I invited her …”

She can ask for ‘birthday time’ using her words if that’s what she wants. You don’t have to guess what she wants and offer it to her.

“I'm worried she's really upset with me and I didn't notice.”

Y’all speak the same language? Have access to Google Translate if you don’t? You are never obligated to guess what someone else’s emotional state is. It is not your fault you are not psychic. It actually wouldn’t be your fault even if you were psychic.

“Is there a way for me to keep everyone happy?”

You don’t ask “Is there a way to make everyone here happy?” which would be the query of a person looking to resolve situational conflict with equal partners. You’re asking whether there’s a way for you to keep everyone happy, which is the query of someone who believes they are uniquely responsible for and tasked with maintaining other people’s emotional wellbeing not just now but indefinitely.

What if any of the other grown-ass adults involved in this situation – your mother-in-law, your sister-in-law, fucking Dale – did even a fraction of the amount of planning, anticipation, and accommodating that you’re doing for them and their needs and their wants and their schedules? Well, you wouldn’t be writing in in the first place, I guess. But listen to what you’re saying here, and look at how much work it is! You’re anticipating the needs of people who haven’t even told you they want something yet! You’re presuming that it is your responsibility to read the mind of someone who is perfectly capable of telling you if she is upset with you! You are wondering how to make all of the adults here happy and literally none of those adults are asking what makes you happy. (Any chance Dale has said he doesn’t care how his relatives feel about y’all’s kid’s birthday party? Any chance you’re caring on his behalf? Free yourself from this!!!!!!! You cannot fix other people’s relationships by caring more about their weird interpersonal shit than they do.)

Here’s the last thing that really stuck out to me, and I hope you don’t take it as me razzing you because I emphatically am not. You wrote:

“… even though my kid had a wonderful birthday she still tells everyone about every day, I feel really guilty and sad.”

Do you see that you made the most important person happy? Do you see that you, a caring and thoughtful and empathetic and motivated and capable parent did the most important thing? You gave your kid a birthday she is still fucking telling people about because it was that great! Fuck whether your mother-in-law had a good time in the general vicinity of your kid’s birthday! If there are smaller fish to fry on planet earth, I don’t know where they live. 

But it is a big fucking deal that you feel safe and confident and are able to do the kind of parenting you want and need to do without diverting all of this energy to small-ass fish fries (frys?). When your kid grows up, she will remember the great birthdays. She will remember parents who advocated for her and taught her important lessons and supported her. The person she will become depends on all of those things. It will not depend on how your husband’s aunt feels about a child’s third birthday party.

So: whether or not you can count on your husband to do a thing he should already be doing as the bare fucking minimum in a partnership, you have to figure out a way to get yourself to a way, way lower baseline of fucks given about whether other people like you or are happy with you. That doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk to them, but you don’t have to accommodate and anticipate and assuage them as your default setting.

Easier motherfucking said than motherfucking done, I know. I’m sure you know therapy exists, but uh … do recommend. Other options: have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents? This book changed my life. Us people-pleasers learned it from somewhere. Even if you think “Nah, couldn’t be me,” the tools the book offers for navigating relationships with emotionally immature adults (i.e., a great-aunt-in-law who expects you to make her feel good about her invitation to a child’s third birthday party?) are well worth it.

Here’s what else helped me: make rules and pretend like someone else made them and there’s nothing you can do about it. Call them “traditions” if you want, maybe that plays better with Great Auntie Pisspants. From now on, your kid has one birthday party with her friends and one birthday party with family members. No, you can’t change that just because Great Auntie Pisspants asked you to; it’s a “tradition.” When people complain about your rules-slash-family traditions, instead of the endless smorgasbord of options you are not just willing to consider but actively and preemptively offering in case it’s more convenient for everybody, it starts to get a lot less personal. “I don’t make the rules!” you can say to yourself, even though you 1000000% made the rules and you are the captain now, so Great Auntie Pisspants is going to have to choose between BINGO or your kid’s birthday because you’re not throwing nine birthday parties.

I’m guessing that family shit is not the only place your inclination toward making other people happy at your own expense causes you grief. Good news: you can make rules/traditions about all kinds of nonsense. Here are some I’ve had over the years: I “can’t” give people rides; I “can’t” bake; I “can’t” watch Woody Allen movies. I “always” have my phone on do-not-disturb on weekends; I “always” spend at least one winter holiday at home; I “always” avoid highways at rush hour. I don’t know who made the rules (God?) but I can’t break them (I am God, I do what I want, and I don’t want to break my own rules).

You are responsible only for the emotional health and wellbeing of yourself and your child. You and your kiddo are the two people who matter most. You cannot keep everyone else happy, and you should not try.

#good advice interlude #family shit #parenting #in-laws #people pleasing #emotionally immature adults #fucking dale

[bighugsbadtimes]

#personal #x #agreed #polyamory #poly saturated #emotionally immature adults

[cyphyree]

Studio Ghibli's most recent marketable-plushiefied silly lil guys are the marshmallow souls of unborn humans being eaten by dying pelicans forced into starvation, or bloodthirsty parakeet satirical caricatures of the Mussolini facist regime, and that's beautiful.

alternatively:

#tumblr disclaimer: this isn't an “oh wow i love facists” post #they're simultaneously emotionally immature babies and malignant adult tyrants causing suffering to others in the name of their own cause #the boy and the heron #how do you live #studio ghibli #hayao miyazaki #warawara #blue heron #parakeet

[machineryangel]

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson

#READING THIS BOOK AND THIS LAST PART KNOCKED THE BREATH OUT OF ME #words #wretched mirrors #cr #adult children of emotionally immature parents #lindsay c. gibson

[femmefatalevibe]

Hi I was wondering how do you deal with a toxic family member? How do you handle situations in which they are manipulative and gaslighting you?

Validate your own emotions and experiences

Practice emotional differentiation. Prioritize your own feelings and goals

Learn the psychology behind guilt-tripping, shaming, and people-pleasing & how it's used to manipulate/gaslight children of narcissistic & other types of emotionally immature parents

Implement the "grey rocking" technique during conversations (be "boring' and emotionally flat; don't give them the emotional reaction they crave)

Go as low contact as humanely possible (no contact is the best option). Never initiate a conversation unless its absolutely necessary (logistical issue, emergency, etc. if needed)

Keep them on an information diet. Don't tell them anything about your life that is not vital for them to know

Don't try to change their minds. Just say "You're right," and disengage

Set boundaries on conversation topics/them criticizing your character. Say "I'm not engaging in this conversation." Stop replying, hang up the phone, or walk away

Live your life with them out of sight, out of mind as much as possible. You deserve to live in peace and be happy, no matter what these toxic family members say

Hope this helps xx

#toxic household #toxic family #narcissistic behavior #gaslighting #adult children of emotionally immature parents #emotionally immature parents #emotional regulation #emotional abuse #higher self #personal growth #trauma healing #healing journey #trauma recovery #femmefatalevibe #q/a

[spiderversegf]

an excerpt from adult children of emotionally immature parents by lindsay c. gibson [ID in ALT.]

#c reads #adult parents of emotionally immature parents #lindsay c. gibson #OUGH #ok to rb #this has me thinking a lot ab my post ab emotional impermanence

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

im shaking im vibrating im chewing on these new Certified Con O'Neill Izzy Hands Opinions like a dog with a bone this shit is so so so so tasty UGH

izzy doesn't verbalize his own emotions!!! NOT EVEN TO HIMSELF!!!! everything, everything is filtered through "duty to my captain" and "im blackbeard's right hand arm man." oughghgh literally stede stealing ed's attention probably gets reframed as "an insult to my years of hard work" and he doesn't even realize that he's jealous

and the KICKER oohohohohohohohohhoho the fucking kicker is that for a man with no understanding of his own emotions he sure is fucking ruled by them lmao

#like is it even love???? or is it just childish possessiveness of an emotionally immature grown adult man #ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd meta #izzy hands #ofmd izzy #con o'neill #con oneill #blackhands #meta #mine #txt #og #c2e222

[tanadrin]

You're not wrong about anything wrt cost of flying, but man is it bracing to wake up to a reminder that I can never ethically see most of my loved ones in-person again.

hmm. i think this is also the wrong way to think about it. flying is not a sin. being in some indirect way responsible for a certain amount of carbon emissions does not Taint Your Soul. and absolutist frameworks for this kind of thing are not helpful to anybody, least of all the people who actually might already be contributing to fixing problems like this through positive behaviors, like voting or political organizing.

the problem with carbon emissions is that they're a difficult to solve collective action problem, where a lot of the incentives point in a harmful direction, not that they are Fundamentally Immoral, and i think that's an important distinction to make, because i think a handful of semi-scrupulous individuals flagellating themselves and depriving themselves of things that would make them happy in the long run has no real effect on big problems like this. you not seeing your family is not going to fix global warming! and there are not enough people who are willing or able to act on guilt alone to refrain from flying that it's going to meaningfully dent emissions from the air transport sector.

what we need are policies that shape collective decisionmaking. this is why a fat carbon tax (especially when coupled with a rebate for lower-income people) can be a useful policy: it might make it harder to fly to visit family, but it won't make it categorically impossible, and it will reduce air travel in general, or encourage finding lower-carbon alternatives that allow people to travel just as much, like high-speed trains or, i don't know, some kind of fancy jet fuel that emits less CO2.

honestly, if you vote consistently for pro-environmental policies and parties, if you donate a bit of spare cash from time to time to the same, and/or if you are minimally politically active in other ways, and you're not, like, the CEO of BP in your professional life, you are fine. go, free from sin. if everyone did that, the problem of carbon emissions could be solved in a few years. now, you might go, "but not everyone is doing that!" well, not everyone is sitting at home miserable because they missed seeing grandma on her deathbed; that won't solve global warming either. in fact, it will do even less to solve global warming, because it is (and i say this with compassion) an anxious, guilt-ridden, useless gesture meant to salve your own spirit, not actually a contribution to solving the problem.

in general, i am really opposed to letting a vast and nebulous sense of guilt on big, systemic problems shape your personal behaviors. none of the behaviors that these feelings of guilt ban ever contribute to significant or systemic improvements in the problem--guilt is not building nuclear plants or preventing oil from being drilled. and in my experience, the kind of people who feel this guilt are prone to anxiety, maybe as kids were made overly responsible for the emotional state of people around them, and thus feel an outsized sense of responsibility in other areas of their life, and they mistakenly think that 1) this is a healthy way to go through life, 2) if they don't go through life this way they're a Bad Person, and 3) most people (or most people they think of as Good People) feel this way.

i wish to free people from this burden. there are no individual solutions to big collective action problems! and if reading about global warming, or racism, or poverty, or any other big social problem fills you with an enormous sense of guilt and has you wracking your brain for ways you can help by cutting/reducing/abstaining from things in your life, congratulations, you are one of many people in this world who can be at least 300% more selfish and still be a certified Good Person. so, uh, chill.

#wait is oil 'drilled' or 'mined' or 'dug up' or what? #what is the verb here to refer to the process of oil extraction #is it just 'extraction'? #you drill *for* oil #but do you *drill* oil? #anyway here's another plug for The Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents #because this kind of Eldest Daughter/I Must Fix Everything syndrome #can be a result of a particular kind of emotional immaturity on your parents' part #and i suspect but cannot prove #a lot of people who feel this way had parents whose emotional state #they had to be very sensitive to

[mindfulparentingproject]

"You wouldn't be who you are without your trauma."

No. Fuck that.

I am who I am because I pulled myself out of the hell I was brought into and decided I was not going to become like the people who hurt me.

#generational trauma #trauma survivor #childhood abuse #sa survivor #adult children of emotionally immature parents #mindfulparenting

[anatidephobia]

whole life convincing yourself that you’re emotionless, cold and unbothered only to realise many years later that you created that version of yourself because in reality you couldn’t bare the thought of being vulnerable in any way

and when you finally realise that it’s not something to be proud of you also realise that it’s too late to re-learn everything

you feel great shame because you finally see that you weren’t actually strong - all of it was a weakness. the thing you hated the most. you couldn’t embrace it

and worst of all - you realise that you’ve become exactly like the person who hurt you in the beginning

#psychology #childhood trauma #emotionally unavailable #emotionally immature parents #actually bpd #actually ptsd #coping with trauma #realisation #trauma #traumatized child #coping mechanism #pretending #emotionally detached #adult children of emotionally immature parents #living with borderline

[heresronnie21]

Not to be a hater but where did the trend of shipping apollo with teenage characters esp jason/nico/percy come from? I mean it gives me an incredible amount of ick but that's fine I know where the block button is, but like did u not read the same books as me? Did apollo's arc fly over your head? Did u just skip the part where he let go of his past mistakes in romance and realised he didn't need a partner to fix him or make him worthy of love? Where he showed us his flirty persona was just a cover for his loneliness and isolation, especiallyfrom the other olympians? Where he learnt his worth by building a community?? Where he found solace in his friends and his children and especially meg?? Where he realised he didn't need a partner to fix him

#like come on how do you miss the point that bad #like i get that he's just words but he's important words #entering my hater arc actually #r/whoosh moment #it also just smells noncey to me like its not exactly but it is #like he's stupid and emotionally immature but he's still technically an adult #trials of apollo #lester papadopoulos #toa apollo #“the best part of the series is how refreshingly free of a love interest it is btw” #inch resting its always the boys #people will see a male character make a normal observation about a male character and go ATTRACTION #and its annoying to me #anyway i live for apollo and his aromantic swagger

[wellconstructedsentences]

When you’re going through a breakdown, a good question to ask is what is actually breaking down. We usually think it’s our self. But what’s typically happening is that our struggle to deny our emotional truth is breaking down.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

#adult children of emotionally immature parents #lindsay c gibson

[machineryangel]

Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, Susan Forward with Donna Frazier

#mothers who can't love: a healing guide for daughters #finished this at last! i liked the adult children of emotionally immature parents better but this one was okay ! #susan forward #cr #words #wretched mirrors

[vexenya]

Cyborg 009 vs Devilman is so funny cuz it brought us the best Akira design and also one of the worst Ryo designs

I mean, okay, maybe Ryo doesn’t exactly look bad per se, but it’s so strange to see him consistently drawn to look much more older and jaded than Akira. And since Ryo canonically likes Akira in almost every incarnation that just makes it kinda weird?

Especially since they’re supposed to be around the same age and in Nagai’s art they were intentionally given essentially the same silhouette.

Like try to guess who is who here LOL

But yeah as someone who designs characters as a hobby I just found it to be an… interesting choice? Like there’s no way that can accidentally happen, it was intentional.

Though at the same time I haven’t watched this thing so if there’s a canon explanation for this choice (like if Ryo is older than Akira in this incarnation or something) then I’ll shut my mouth haha

#devilman #akira fudo #ryo asuka #cyborg 009 vs devilman #I should specify I am NOT shitting on it or insulting people who like the movie/designs #These are just my silly thoughts ahaha #ya know ya know #I won’t shit on something I haven’t even watched #I’m not a fan of designs that make Ryo look more mature than he is general tbh #If you read the manga you’ll very quickly realize that Ryo is smart but also emotionally immature and even a bit quick to flare up at times #he IS a teenage boy #So incarnations that make him more ‘adult’ by giving him a more grown design and a deeper voice and a more cold demeanor -> #just irk me a bit #Like save the maturity for the Satan design!! As a human Ryo is kinda a mess!!

[dubu-dood]

From Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (2015)

#photo #adult children of emotionally immature parents #s.1 #* #relationships

[usunezukoinezu]

''Hate is a normal and involuntary reaction when somebody tries to control you for no good reason. It signals that the person is extinguishing your emotional life force by getting his or her needs met at your expense.''

-Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

#Lindsay C. Gibson #Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents