#dream you havent even streamed in a month and you decide to stream the one time im passed out! /lh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jeonbots · 3 years

Text

AJAR (1) | Jungkook (m)

pairing: jungkook - fem. reader

genre: angst, smut, fluff

warnings: demon!jungkook, nogitsune!jungkook, troubled!oc, minor character death, mentions of death, mention of a car accident, oc keeps nightmare-ing, jungkook is a fear demon, nogitsunes love chaos, mentions of sex, drinking, swearing, explicit sexual content such as oral (f receiving), fingering, breast playing, nipple sucking; dark rooms, blood, wounds, drugging, taehyung is a prick i'm sorry, poor oc just wants to sleep peacefully, jk won't let her, partying, overuse of the pet name ‘sugarplum’

words: 5k

a.n.: heyyyy! ik i was supposed to post that wizards of wavery place au but i havent finished it yet, i wasn't happy with it so i decided to change it up a bit. this story however has been in my drafts for about a year sooo here's the first part! it's gonna be a 2 part story :)))) enjoy

part two

/!\ UNEDITED /!\

—

You don’t remember the first time it happened. Or vaguely. Maybe five, six months ago? You’re not sure. But you do remember the darkness and the loneliness you felt at that moment. When you closed your eyes and you felt your body fall in an endless hole, skin itching uncomfortably. You had realized it itched because it was on fire, agony screeching out of your mouth and resonating in– in nothingness. And then you saw it. Its black, mundane eyes staring back at you like it was a hunter and you were its prey. You felt like suffocating until you had dug your nails into your palms hard to wake yourself up. Your body had jerked forward and you had screamed your lungs out until your throat burned, the tears streaming down your face uncontrollably. From this moment forward, you hadn’t sleep an entire night without waking up crying out loud in the middle of the night, your friend rushing to you. The first week, it was the same dream. The fall, your body on fire, the suffocating air, the piercing black eyes and your anxious and frightened awaking state.

The eighth night, you opened your eyes and found yourself on a cold floor, darkness surrounding you. You blinked a few times before adjusting to the poor lighting and suddenly your body shivered as you felt someone– or something– watching you intensely. You turned your head sideways trying to find the source of your discomfort but nothing was there. Until you heard it. A laughter. It was more of a snicker really, but it ran through your whole being, shaking your insides. The voice that had mocked you out loud had been so cold and dark, almost resembling a demon that you flinched. You tried to get on your feet but the cry that broke through you stopped you. You plopped back down on the floor, looking down at your body, taking in the deep cut and the blood pouring out of your right thigh.

“Help me! Please!” You cried, tears running down your face.

No response.

You lowered your head and sobbed. “I want to wake up.” You whispered, tears soaking your shirt.

Minutes, maybe hours passed. You weren’t sure. You just knew that you had stopped crying at some point. The wound on your leg didn’t seem to stop bleeding and you felt the life force being poured out of you everytime blood gushed out of your leg. You had laid back down on the cold marble, eyes closed and your arms and legs splayed out on the ground, resembling a starfish. The snicker from earlier returned and you abruptly opened your eyes, going in a sitting position and frenetically whipping your head around the area, searching for the source of your torments.

“Who are you? What do you want from me?”

The mocking grew closer and louder, and before you knew you were pulled back down on your back, breathe knocking out of you by the sheer force of the impact. You felt your arms move on their own accord, coming to lay against your sides as slender fingers grabbed your ankle and dragged you across the room, ignoring your pleas and cries for help.

“Let me in, sugarplum.”

It was softer than the snicker, but you still caught the dark timbre lying underneath.

“Who–”

Your body suddenly came to a halt and when you looked up, a large figure was towering over you. The jolt of surprise coming out of your mouth when the stranger bent down didn’t go unnoticed as you could make out rosy lips smirking right at you in the darkness. You shuddered as the stranger passed their fingers up your leg, ghosting over your wound before pressing down on it harshly with his palm. You cried out and tried to back off but your attempts were futile as two strong hands suddenly grabbed your hips, throwing you over a strong shoulder as they began to walk to some direction, you didn’t really know. You thrashed in the stranger’s hold, crying even more than before and before you knew, you were carelessly thrown on a mattress. Seconds later you heard footsteps and the click of a door, meaning you had been locked up in some room.

You sighed shakily as you glanced around the room. On your right, there was a small dusty bedside table with one drawer, a small lamp put on top of it and a box of matches right next to it. In the corner of the room, you could make out a maroon desk with some journals sprawled out on top of it and next to it a door closed, probably the one the stranger used to bring you here. However, on the opposite wall to your right there was another door. This one was slightly open. You frowned and forced yourself to get off the mattress, struggling to get on your feet. The second you were standing your legs gave away and you fell forward, landing on the nearest wall as your palms impacted your fall. The wall rubbed harshly against your skin as you let out a small cry, gasping at the pain running throughout your entire body.

How could a dream feel so real?

You brushed the thoughts off and started walking towards what you thought was your only way out of there, even if you knew deep down that it was not. You still were pretty much pressed against the wall, slowly making your way towards the strange door. When you finally reached it, you pressed a hand firmly against the wall as the other went to shakily grab the handle.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, sugarplum.”

You froze.

No. Please.

You didn’t move. Not an inch. Not even to open the door completely or to turn around to meet your captor. But you sensed him shifting closer until his front was pressed against your back, an arm snaking around your waist to keep you close as you closed your eyes instinctively. His breathe fanned over your shoulder, lips brushing against your ear.

“Do you really want to face your biggest fears now?” He whispered.

“Please... let me go...” You whimpered.

“This is not the way out, sugarplum.”

He grabbed at your hips and spun you around and you yelped when you were met with familiar black eyes. Your own eyes grew wide and you took a few steps back until your back hit the wall softly. Even in all this darkness, the only thing you could make out about his appearance was complete dark and cold set of eyes.

“If you want out,” he followed your steps until he was hovering above your fragile and wounded form, “you just gotta let me in.” He ducked his head into the space between your neck and shoulder, nipping at your earlobe.

“Who are you?” You breathe out, staring at an invisible dot at the wall opposite to the one you’re pressed against.

He chuckled against your ear and a shiver ran down your spine. Yeah, that was straight up demonic.

He pulled his head out of your neck and leaned an arm on one side of your head against the wall and brought the other one around your jaw, lifting your head up to meet his intimidating gaze.

“Your worst nightmare, sugarplum.”

Then he laughed. It rang loud enough in your ear and you could hear the darkness in his mocking tone as he turned around and walked away from you. And suddenly, you were screaming. Screaming as you sat up in familiar warmth, hands fisting your sheets and tears running down your face. Realization dawn upon you as your cries had lowered in volume and you quickly pushed the covers aside, relief washing over you as your right thigh was not wounded. No blood, no horrible deep cut that made you want to puke. Your breathing was labored as you whimpered, the door of your room opening in a hurry.

“Fuck.” Your friend cursed out before making her way to you, sitting on the bed.

“I–I’m fine, I’m okay. It’s okay.” You avoided her gaze, hand coming to wipe off the tears on your red cheeks.

“No, you’re not Y/N. How long are you gonna keep this up? It’s been a whole fucking week and I don’t fucking know what’s happening to you. It scares the shit out of me.” Henri softly grabbed your head in her two hands, turning your head to meet her gaze as she rubbed your cheeks with her thumbs in a comforting way.

You breathed out shakily. “I think I’m going crazy.” You whispered, lower lip trembling as the tears threatened to spill out again.

“Let’s get you some help. Please.” She pleaded as she bore her eyes into yours. You nodded after a long minute and you saw the look of relief wash over your best friend’s face. She leaned forward as she pressed a kiss to your forehead then engulfing you in his arms. You rested your head on her shoulder as she rubbed your back.

“So, what happened before the incident?”

Three weeks later you were in seated in a beige sofa– a pretty comfy one, you had to admit– for your fourth therapy session with an older woman facing you on her baby pink armchair, her auburn hair styled up in a neat bun, a white dress-shirt tucked in a surprisingly colorful long skirt covering her legs as she had crossed one over the other. You learned after your first session that she liked fashion, noticing that her outfits were always on point and that she definitely should give you some advice. When you had woken up this morning, you had taken a quick shower and thrown on a grey sweater with matching grey sweatpants, not bothering to put make-up on. Why would you? You were about to talk about your deepest fears with a total stranger. You were glancing at the clock hung up on the wall nervously before she spoke up again at your silence.

“I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me, Y/N.” Her tone was soft and you felt your throat tighten.

You cleared your throat rather awkwardly. “Uh, I was out with some friends.” You nodded mostly to yourself but she hummed, telling you that she was all ears even though she was sometimes glancing down at her notepad to write something. “And, uh, there was this new club that opened on South Lake. We wanted to check it out and we were dressed accordingly so... we went. When we arrived there, the club was pretty full and we lost track of each other at some point... Uh, and I was pretty drunk. So I made out with a friend of mine and we uh, fucked. Yeah, pretty intense fuck if you ask me.” You laugh awkwardly as you saw the corner of her mouth twitch upwards. She was comforting, somehow.

“So yeah, I fucked the guy then I called my br-”

The words died in your throat as you froze. Clarisse felt you tense under her stare but nothing changed on her face.

“You were going to talk about your older brother, Jason?”

You lowered your head and started fidgeting with your fingers placed in your lap, gulping as you felt your eyes water. You hadn’t realized in your storytelling that you were going to have to bring up that subject at some point. You nodded shakily, a few tears rolling down your cheeks.

“I should’ve never done that.” You whispered and the last words came out in a broken whimper. The woman opened her mouth, about to talk but was cut off by your sudden voicing.

“Is it over yet?” Clarisse jumped slightly at the way you had abruptly raised your head, looking at the awful clock as you brought your hands to your face to wipe off the tears with the sleeves of your sweater.

“Y/N–”

“Oh,” you fake-heartedly laughed, cheeks still stained with wetness, “would you look at that! It’s been an hour already.”

“Wait–”

“Goodbye, Ms. Blackwood.”

You had already grabbed your bag and bolted out of the door as Clarisse sat on her chair, dumbfounded.

You never went back to therapy. A small part of you felt bad for leaving the kind woman in her confusion but the other part– the larger one– was relieved you didn’t have to go through painful memories anymore.

College isn’t as hard as you’ve imagined. Ever since your brother’s death you had found the world of books and words fascinating. At first, your roommate would ogle at you like you were some kind of wild animal who had escaped from the zoo then she understood the change in behavior. You were quite the party girl before the car crash; always going out with friends, having fun in summer homes or going to frat parties. And now you’ve become what people call a ‘bookworm’. Of course, it doesn’t take your mind off the horrendous and painful nightmares you’re having every night, but it helps get yourself distracted from the intense ache in your chest. At first you had tried booze to keep your mind off the terrible monsters haunting you but all it did was giving you painful aftermath headaches and a horrible sinking feeling in your stomach. The last time you got really drunk, you threw up your entire stomach in some random front lawn and you collapsed on the grass, dazing off to a sleeping state. And your eyes closed slowly until you woke up in a familiar dark room, pleading and begging to be released.

You swore you’d never drink again.

“Y/N!” A warm breathe tickles the side of your face and you turn your head sideway to face the person who’s arm is draped around your shoulders, the other coming to settle around your waist, clinging to you loosely.

“You’re drunk,” you state, looking at your friend’s giggling form.

“And you’re not,” she pouts as she leans a bit more on your frame. “Come on, get drunk with us Y/N.” Her words are slurred.

“Henri,” you sigh. Your nightmares aren’t unknown to your friend, in fact, when it first happened, she was the first person you called, your sobbing making her heart ache through the receiver. She had decided to join you that night, knocking at your door fifteen minutes later, hands full of junk food and candy. You had spent majority of the night laughing and eating your fears away, Henri wanting to make you feel better. After that night, she’d decided to move in with you.

You look down your half-empty cup, the brown-ish liquid taunting you. You can practically see its mocking smile, waves of gold beaming through the dark beverage. “You know I won’t.” Before she can protest though, her warmth disappears and you hear her gasp and you see from the corner of your eyes the boy you recognize as her boyfriend Justin pressing his lips against hers, silently rolling your eyes.

The living room is packed with people grinding against each other, kissing in corners or going up the stairs, probably to fuck their sexual frustration away. Justin’s frat house always throws the most anticipated parties in the campus, and of course Henri wouldn’t miss it for the world. They’re like– the must-go parties, house full of free booze and weed in every corner, half of the campus always attends them. You hadn’t gone to a party in forever though, still traumatized by the last time you were blackout drunk but Henri had insisted the whole week and you said yes just a few hours ago. You didn’t feel like dressing up but she almost screamed at you to at least make an effort and you settled on a high-waisted black denim skirt that stops mid-thigh and a black tube top tucked underneath with some white sneakers after a long hour of Henri rummaging through your closet.

“Y/N!”

Turning your head to the familiar voice, you smile as the dark-haired man you’ve grown to appreciate the company of walks towards you with his own beaming smile.

“Oh, I’ve missed you!” He engulfs you in his arms as you giggle before awkwardly patting his back with your free hand.

“I’ve missed you too, Taehyung.”

Justin was the one to introduce you to Taehyung at his birthday party three years ago. He had been Justin’s drug dealer for quite a few years and he had been hooking you up ever since. Deciding to stop doing drugs ultimately made you stop calling Taehyung for weed and cocaine, and you two lost touch as the months went by.

“It’s been– what, about a year?” He says as he steps back, rubbing the back of his neck. You briefly glance at his appearance, loose black dress shirt and the tight fitting jeans hanging on his hips. The shirt’s collar is large enough to have his collarbone peeking out of the fabric, your thighs clenching under your skirt. You skillfully hide your evident arousal as you learned to do over the years and look back up only to find yourself squirming when you notice his lingering gaze on your breasts covered by the thin fabric of the tube top. He slowly licks his lips and you bite back a whine, your slick arousal already starting to seep through your panties and onto your inner thighs.

“Ten months,” you correct with an apologetic smile on your lips.

“Yeah,” he looks back into your eyes at your words and nods before looking around the place, not an ounce of shame taking over his features for being caught staring. “Uh, I haven’t had the chance to, uh, say it but I’m sorry for your loss.”

You gulp as you look down at your drink. “Thanks–”

“W-well not the chance but you know what I mean.”

You giggle as you shake your head. “It’s okay. Thank you, Tae. It really means a lot.”

Memories flood through your mind as you recall the times you would get high with Henri, Justin, Taehyung and a few other friends before the accident, all spread out on the couch and the carpet of some random house as you’d talk and laugh about basically anything. You’d say those were the happiest moments of your life and you’d do anything to turn back time and have this short yet vivid moment of happiness running through your veins just one more time, dopamine spreading through your whole being. And those nights you had spent in Taehyung’s bed, his cock pounding your walls as he sucked bruises onto your skin, the delicious drag of his length sending you over the edge.

As if answering your– unwanted –prayers, Taehyung slowly approaches you with a sly smirk, a hand propped on the counter beside your hip as he leans over your figure. You look up at him quizzically.

“I thought maybe,” he licks his lips as he glances down at your lips and back at your eyes, “you’d want to have some fun.”

You raise an eyebrow as his free hand digs into his jeans’ pocket, a small plastic bag dangling from his fingers as he lifts his hand at eyes level. You’d recognize those blue pills anywhere.

“No.”

“C’mon, Y/N. Just one, like old times.”

The hand that was on the counter comes hovering your neck, his slender fingers softly caressing the skin there. You shudder as his palm grabs your nape more firmly, his thumb rubbing the side of your neck.

“Taehyu–”

His sudden lips on your ear clamps your mouth shut and your eyes flutter, the lids closing as he starts to suck on the lobe. The grip on your half-empty cup weakens and you hastily put it down on the counter behind you, a few droplets of alcohol spilling on the marble. He presses his chest against yours as he starts kissing down your neck, licking and sucking until he reaches your collarbone where he vacuums the skin in his pink-tinted lips, a whimper making its way past your own. His arms snake around your waist and press you even harder against him as you grab his biceps for leverage, his hard-on poking at your thigh as you gradually let your head fall back.

You don’t notice the small blue pill he manages to sneakily drop into your beverage, its shape dissolving in the drink to slowly disappear into the abyss of its intoxication.

“Holy fuck.”

Your back arched against the mattress and your eyes closed in unadulterated bliss as Taehyung laps at your clit, you moan shamelessly as your hips jerk at each flick of his tongue against your cunt. He hungrily devours your sex and your buzzed state doesn’t protest even after your third orgasm. You still haven’t touched his cock.

“Ho– fuck– Tae, stop, I can’t– ngh– too much.”

He reluctantly leans away from your pussy, mouth and chin covered in your juices as he hovers your fucked out state, his smirk growing wider as he wipes your arousal off his face with the back of his hand.

“I still gotta fuck you full of my cum, baby.”

You release a shaky breath as you bite your lower lip, one hand seductively traveling down the expense of his chest through his shirt as your lust-painted eyes drink in his features. As you reach down his jeans, you subtly grab his crotch as you palm his hardened length, his breathing growing heavier.

“You’re still that needy?” He chuckles and you nod, boring your eyes into his as you lean forward to pepper kisses on his jaw.

You whine when his deft fingers rub your slit, coating his digits with your cum. “Fuck me, please. It’s been so long.”

“I know baby, I know.” He suddenly shoves two fingers in your sloppy hole, a moan slipping past your lips. “Gotta stretch you first for my cock.”

The sudden yet pleasurable stretch has your eyes rolling back in your skull, his skillful fingers pumping in and out of your heat at a delirious pace as your hands fist the sheets beneath you. His thumb comes rubbing at your clit and your hips jerk in his palm, loud moans escaping your parted lips. The stretch of a third finger in your walls has your orgasm spiraling at full speed, untamed pleasure hitting you for the fourth time tonight, your lips parting in a silent scream as you plop your head back down on the sheets.

“Fuck,” the man curses under his breath as he lazily fucks you through your climax, his own hard-on becoming way too painful. You slowly catch your breath as his fingers slip out of your heat and he presses his hips into yours, your thighs caging his waist.

You smile up at him through closed eyes, your high slowly descending and when your heartbeat regains its original pace, you open your eyes.

And your smile falters.

Familiar cold dark orbs are staring right back at you instead of the warm brown of Taehyung’s pupils, and you try to squirm away but find it impossible as the same invisible force pins you down.

“I– you–”

He chuckles.

“Sugarplum, long time no see.” His hand strokes your hair and you whimper, your legs still locked around the man’s waist.

“Please,” you whisper weakly, a tear rolling down your cheek.

“I don’t want to hurt you, sugarplum.”

In this new lighting and his proximity, you can see the man’s face clearer than any of the previous encounters. As he leans forward to nose at your cheek, you can finally see his features and your lips part in shock.

His eyes are beautiful. A dazing shape, his dark orbs morphing into soft doe eyes, the tip of his nose almost kissable and his lips– God, his lips look delicious. Soft, plump lips so inviting, and you can’t help the hand hovering his face, your fingers gently caressing his plumpness. His dark hair falls messily around his head and you have the sudden urge to comb your fingers through his locks just to feel the silk-like strands through your digits.

He is demonically magnificent.

His free hand reaches to envelop your curious one, his eyes boring into yours. You shudder under his gaze and instead of cowering, you bring your other hand to push a strand away from his forehead.

“See? I’m no monster.” He smiles sweetly– almost too sweetly– and you gulp.

“What do you want from me?”

“I’ve told you countless times, sugarplum.”

His hand slides to your wrist in a harsh grip and you gasp as the other hand curls around your neck, squeezing your throat as he cuts off your air supply.

“Let me in.”

You whimper as the grip on your throat is unbearable, making you writhe under his hold. His hips ruth into yours and your naked cunt rubs against the material of his pants harshly, the outline of his obviously hard cock digging into your slit. As you feel yourself slowly falling into unconsciousness, he releases your throat and ascends down to your collarbone, reaching your tube top and pulling it down, a moan vibrating through his chest at the sight of your bare breasts. Each of his hand cups your mounds, his thumbs and forefingers pinching each pebbled nipple as you whine, your teeth caging your lower lip in a futile attempt to keep quiet. He notices that and releases a breast to harshly slap your thigh around his waist. You jolt in surprise and look at him with wide eyes.

“Don’t hold back. You sounded so sweet earlier.”

He doesn’t let you respond as he dives his head in, taking a nipple into his mouth to suck on the mound as he squeezes the other with his hand, pinching the nub in between his fingers. The moan that escapes your lips is unraveling, your hips automatically grinding against his in hope to find purchase. When he’s done with one breast, he does the same to the other one before pulling away, a hand stroking your hair affectionately as he stares at you.

“So beautiful.”

The blush on your cheeks isn’t going unnoticed and he smirks, his gaze lingering on your breasts heaving due to your ragged breathing. He then looks back up at your face before leaning forward and gently pecking your lips in a close-mouthed kiss, once, twice, then he starts trailing down your jaw to your neck, sucking bruises for everyone to see. You whine as you thread your fingers in his hair, and before you register it he has plunged two fingers in your heat, your stomach clenching to oversensitivity.

You moan as you buck your hips in his hand, surprised to even have enough energy to respond to the demon’s ministrations. His fingers are thick enough to hit all the right places and when his thumb strokes your engorged clit, your fifth orgasm of the night couldn’t have come sooner, a drawn-out moan escaping your swollen lips. As your walls squeeze his fingers deeply in your pussy, he groans above you before planting kisses down your throat. Leaning away from your neck as he pulls his fingers out, your arousal drips down his digits and you see strings of your slick juices connecting them when he parts them. Embarrassment manifesting in the red of your cheeks, you stare at the man happily lapping at his arousal-coated fingers, his pink lips wrapped around the skin.

“H–how did I get here?” You quietly ask as soon as your breathing came to normal. His furrowed eyebrows encourage the next words flowing past your lips, his digits falling free from the grip of his lips.

“I– I wasn’t asleep nor drunk and–”

The entire evening you made sure that you weren’t drinking too much, even had Justin’s special party booze out of tonight’s menu. Surely, you would remember if you had fallen asleep. Wait, had you passed out while Taehyung was fucking you? No way, you weren’t drunk. You hadn’t taken any substance or drugs or pills-

Pills. Blue, soft, dangerous pills.

Realization hits you in the guts and you suddenly find it hard to breathe. The way he had kissed your neck, your momentarily forgotten cup on the counter, his wandering hands–

“He,” you whisper, breath hitching as you choke out a whimper, “he drugged me?”

Gently, he places a kiss on your cheek. “Sugarplum.”

“He– he drugged me, and that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?” The aching in your chest is too much for your heavy state and you start blinking away tears you didn’t know had started to pool at the corner of your eyes.

He sighs above you, his breath fanning over your face. Plopping down on the space next to you on the bed as he frees himself from the grip your thighs had around him, his hand gently strokes your naked waist until he reaches your breast, softly rubbing the skin as his thumb lightly flicks over your nipple. In an attempt to soothe your pain, you assume.

Trust is overrated, you conclude.

Here you are; crying over a man you’d learn to like over the past few years as the man you’ve been running from comforts your burning heart.

“It is,” he affirms and you don’t even question how he managed to answer your unspoken thoughts. The sob that breaks past your lips is heart wrenching and you bring your hands to your face, covering the entirety of it as the tears flow freely down your face.

He turns to you and envelops your shaken form in his embrace, your chest pressed against his as he runs a soothing hand down the expanse your bare back. And that’s how you fall asleep that night, without the nightmare that usually haunts your sleepless mind and instead, you find solace in the very man you’d grown to despise.

-----

#jungkook reader #jeon jungkook #bts #jungkook #jungkook smut #smut #angst #fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #taehyung #kim taehyung

145 notes · View notes

daggryet · 3 years

Note

I'm still semi-new to all the dsmp lore (and by that I mean I've been around for a few months but have only grasped like 3 solid storylines dhdbdbb) and one thing I havent caught up on is c!jacks lore and from random stuff on my dash I just imagine him as like a doofenschmirtz of the dsmp. Man attempts to be evil but is at best a mild inconvenience

you’re braver than any us marine joining so late, that’s really cool! but oof i remember all i had to catch up on during election, i can’t imagine now - so i wish you good luck, if you need some help navigating i know @relaxxattack has a really helpful carrd :]

for c!jack - yes! that’s what he is on the surface, he’s a cartoon villain, trying and failing to kill c!tommy in the most inconvenient and debatable ways - but he has actual deeper motivation for what he’s doing.

note: cc!jack manifold says his character is a sympathetic villain, you can understand where he’s coming from but he is not in the right. he doesn’t want people to defend his character, just help explain it.

very short summary; he was left behind during manberg vs pogtopia by c!tommy and c!wilbur (they were exiled, but he felt they’d abandoned him to c!schlatt and manberg), c!wilbur accidentally killed him causing him to lose a canon life to someone he previously thought was his friend. manifold land, c!jack manifold’s country/area, was also burned down by c!dream as he wanted to punish c!tommy - which c!jack manifold also blames c!tommy for, partly.

he visited c!tommy during exile and accidentally scared him causing c!tommy to drop him into lava - and as he was swimming up, c!tommy and him got into a discussion leading c!tommy to block it off so he died. now c!tommy only thought that c!jack manifold lost his stuff and it was his fault, so that’s why (aside from c!tommy’s mental state during exile was...awful) the apology seems so lackluster. but c!jack manifold actually lost a canon life - once again, to someone he’d considered a friend that he wanted to reach out to. and this is where it goes from c!jack manifold disliking c!tommy to actively hating him and wanting him dead.

c!jack manifold also lost his last canon life during doomsday, as he fought for and alongside l’manberg and c!tommy, but crawled back out of hell (a glitch happened, and cc!jack manifold incorporated it).

he hates c!dream and c!tommy almost equally, but “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” and all that, so he held back on trying to kill c!tommy until they’d defeated c!dream during the disc saga finale. after that, he teamed up with c!niki (a whole other can of worms) to kill c!tommy - they almost succeeded with the nuke, had c!tommy stalled for 30 seconds less, he’d have been hit by the nuke and died. c!jack manifold views killing c!tommy as killing two flies with one stone; c!dream says he doesn’t have any attachments left, c!jack manifold calls bullshit - c!dream is attached to c!tommy, and killing c!tommy would also be getting back at c!dream.

there’s a more indepth explanation on this re-upload of jack manifold’s stream explaining his entire character. i’m not entirely sure that it’s the full thing, so if you want to, i’d suggest waiting for jack to upload on his vod channel here

c!tommy gets trapped in prison, and c!jack manifold (previously having been hired as employee of the big innit hotel to get closer to c!tommy so he can kill him) takes over the hotel, as the owner is in prison. c!tommy then died in prison by c!dream’s hand leading c!jack to first celebrate, and then after he thought more about it, as he travelled around the server telling everyone of what had happened, he doubted whether he really was happy. because he wasn’t the one to kill c!tommy, he didn’t feel accomplished, he felt empty. it had been his goal, his sole goal, for so long - and now c!tommy was just... dead.

he then begins to think of whether this was really what he wanted, if he really wanted c!tommy dead, or if it was a way to distract himself from the fact that he just really misses his friends - the camraderie, the friendship, they all had in l’manberg. back before it all fell apart, and they left him behind. and he begins thinking about whether he just didn’t miss his friend, whether him wanting to kill c!tommy, getting closer to him in order to kill him, really just wasn’t him trying to get his friendship back. he makes peace with c!tommy and grieves him. admits to himself he didn’t actually want to kill him.

(the vod is here)

then c!tommy gets revived, and c!jack manifold and him has a confrontation in the hotel. it’s quite a heated debate of both parties being angry - c!tommy being angry that c!jack has stolen his hotel, and c!jack being angry that c!tommy is back after he made his peace. c!jack manifold gets really angry and shouts “i launched nukes at you, and you didn’t even care! no one else has done this on the server!”, admitting to having tried and nearly succeeding in killing c!tommy. c!tommy is freshly revived, freshly re-traumatised, and doesn’t really seem to process much of the conversation, but is angry and hurt, and just wants everything to go back to how it was. following this, c!jack manifold decides that the idea that he was trying to kill c!tommy to get his friendship back, was him being delusional. that the c!tommy that was revived, the c!tommy that killed him; that wasn’t the c!tommy that was his friend way back in l’manberg. he decides to kill c!tommy once more.

(the vod is here)

right now, c!jack manifold feels very alone. he still has c!tubbo, but he knows that he’s not c!tubbo’s first priority; he’s not really anyone’s first priority. he used to be c!niki’s, their little duo, but c!niki has moved on with the syndicate, and he’s not sure where he was her. and he still wants to kill c!tommy.

he’s tried to become a prison guard because he knew that c!tommy had some unfinished business with c!dream in there; and as a prison guard, c!jack manifold would have power and ressources to trap c!tommy in there and kill him. during his quest for the job as prison guard, he began a side project as detective trying to gain a favour from c!sam by finding out what happened to his security cameras. and as soon as c!sam owed him a favour, 1-2-3 - prison guard title for c!jack manifold.

and then c!tommy breaks in to kill c!dream, fails, and c!wilbur is revived.

and when c!wilbur gets revived, he walks straight up to c!jack and apologises. no bullshit, no walking around the subject, c!jack manifold didn’t even ask for it; c!wilbur just apologised. and c!jack manifold is left so conflicted because he’s not really experienced that before - being apologised to, for everything, with no gain. he’s not sure whether he feels ready enough to forgive him yet, mostly because he’s just so confused. not even c!tubbo, the person he considered his closest friend (and the person he partly also wanted to kill c!tommy for - c!tommy is selfish (in c!jack manifold’s eyes) and drags c!tubbo into trouble), hasn’t apologised for leaving him behind during pogtopia and manberg. and c!tommy definitely hasn’t apologised - so why c!wilbur?

he decides to build a pub where he can drink with c!wilbur, and c!wilbur can prove that he actually wants to be his friend again.

(the vod is here)

and project kill c!tommy is still a-go, as we saw today, and every time c!tommy annoys c!jack - stealing his stuff or ignoring him - it’s just fuel for c!jack manifold’s fire and desire to kill him.

(edit: this got really long, i hope it helped a little bit, but i’m sorry if it was too compact and/or confusing - and again, welcome to the fandom!! and good luck :D)

#ask #anon #dream smp #long post #i really do recommend watching the linked videos #no one explains c!jack manifold as well as c!jack manifold #he has amazing soliloquies - that no one ever hears #mans has a way with words but no communication skills whatsoever #reference #aurora analysis

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authorofdanger · 5 years

Text

Nightmares

Summary: What was life like for Y/N before Stray Kids?

Genre: Angst

WARNING!!! IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO ABUSE OR ANY FORM OF IT PLEASE DONT READ THIS!!!

"Get back here you fucking rat," my owner screamed while chasing me through out the house. I ran as fast as I could out into the back yard with his bat in hand. The twigs and broken glass pierced into my feet as I went deeper and deeper into the trees behind my home and in the distance I could hear the hounds howling and multiple footsteps catching up to me.

This was all because I wouldn't let him punish the other ten year old bunny hybrid for something she didnt even do. In a drunken rage my owner came at her with the wooden bat which could easily have killed her so I fought hard and retrieved the weapon, determined to find a way of disposing it. I knew once I get captured I would get the life beaten out of me, figuratively if not literally, but it is always worth it if it means the other prey hybrids are okay.

Getting trapped between the house and the fast paced stream ahead of me I decided to toss the bat into the raging waters and dart upstream. "I see her! Why isnt anybody using the shock button!" I could hear ringing in my ears and a sharp pain shoot from my neck and wrists which sent me to the ground in a heartbeat with a shrill scream. I couldnt even feel the pair of arms that hoisted me up and dragged me back towards the hell house where I would receive possibly another set of broken bones and other various punishments.

"Y/N? Y/N hey its okay," a soft voice hushed as I shot up from the couch and onto the floor to cower myself into a corner. I clasped my arms over my head and gasped out apologies to avoid another beating I was sure to receive. That's when I felt the soft pets on my ears and scalp before removing my shaking arms. A hand found it's way under my chin and guided my gaze into the familiar loving brown eyes of Jisung. I could see the worry and panic in his face and I couldnt slow my jagged breathing.

"Changbin go call-" "No," I cried. Only then did I notice how raw my voice was and how weak I sounded. How long have I been screaming? I scanned both Changbin and Jisung's concerned faces before I completely broke down in front of them. I was then pulled into the strong set of arms and gently lifted back onto the couch. I hate feeling so small and so weak when all my life I had to be strong, if I wanted to live I wasn't allowed to shed a single tear. "Baby what happened? What was the dream about," Changbin sighed while gently stroking my back while Jisung positioned me to sit in his lap facing him. I buried my nose into the crook of his neck and shook my head.

Chan and Felix are the only two who know about my past since we didnt think the others could handle the graphic details. All they know is I was abused and Chan's family rescued me from the shelter I was sent to. I was meant to be Chan's support hybrid for his debut and I do a good job if you asked either one of us but when I finally described what exactly happened to me to the Aussie line that's when they became my support too.

"We cant help you unless we know what's going on. You've been having nightmares like this for the past two weeks again. You havent had this problem in months," Jisung began with the sweetest tone he could muster behind his growing nerves. "Please let us help you." I wiped my eyes and thought for a moment at all the times I have woken up all three rappers from my reoccurring nightmares, two of them watching in worry as only one found the way to calm me down. I nodded my head and guided one of Changbin's hands to the base of my left ear as I took in a shallow breath.

"Its about my last home," I whimpered, "I keep dreaming of all the things he did to all of us. The way he would beat us nearly if not to death. The way he treated us. It still haunts me and it doesnt help that its January." "What's wrong with January," Changbin asked. "My sister's birth month. The same month he forced me to watch him kill her. All because I took away his beating bat."

They looked at me in horror as they slowly began to piece together parts of my history. I glanced down at the scars on my stomach from when on that same night he forced her to shred the soft skin before her demise. I was put in physical and mental torture that night. "Its okay bunny girl. He's gone for good now," Changbin comforted behind a few stray tears. Jisung was close to breaking too with the looks of it but he was trying so hard to stay strong for me in this moment. "Can you tell us what happened to you?"

"My owner owned a breeding ring that my sister and I were born into. The both of us were deemed infertile so he just simply decided to use us as servants around his home. He was a constant drunk and found any reason to beat me and the other hybrids around the home. He killed alot of us over the years from the mix of physically beating us to death, starving us, and depriving us of water if we weren't deemed good enough. I was the oldest of the group when the cops arrived but I also had the worst physical damage. I was the one to take the blame for many mistakes and did everything I could to protect my family. I got no more than three hours of sleep most nights as to make sure everyone survived another night. When the cops came they found me in a tiny dog cage with my stomach mutilated, starving, and barely breathing. I stayed in the shelter in Sydney for almost a year before Chan's family found me. Chan was the first person I allowed to touch my ears and I for some unknown reason trusted him enough to fall asleep on him during adoption day."

I took in one more deep breath before looking Jisung in his eyes and whimpered "if Chan wouldn't have gotten me I was going to be put down because I was deemed aggressive. He saved my life, a life I didnt even know I still wanted." That's when he broke. He hid his face into my chest and shook wildly from a mix of sadness and pure anger.

"You know we would never hurt you. We love you and you do so much for us and I cant imagine how anyone could do that to you," Changbin said while holding his tears back. "I love you guys too. But please if any of the others ask about this dont say anything. I want to tell each of you on my own time."

"I promise. I promise I wont tell, I promise I wont hurt you, and I damn promise nobody will hurt you like that ever again," Changbin assured. "And I promise I will never let you go. I want to hold and protect you forever. We wont let you go."

And they never did.

#stray kids hybrid #skz hybrid #hybrid skz #skz hyunjin #skz changbin #skz chan #skz felix #skz minho #skz #skz jeongin #skz jisung #skz seungmin #skz stay #stray kids au #stray kids angst #stray kids

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joonyverse · 5 years

Text

The President - Baekhyun (EXO) (Part 4)

Summary: Being the youngest Minister is not easy, especially when it seems like the whole world is trying to go against you. Proving yourself is proven to be a difficult thing. But things had to get even more tangled when dark pasts are coming out, and truths are being unveiled

A/N: OHYMYGOD! IM SO SO SO SORRY FOR THE VERY LONG DUE UPDATE! I’ve seen your messages too, and THANK YOU for the loves and support! I just finished my exam early this month and I admit that perhaps I’ve been procrastinate a lot hjjh, this chapter doesn’t really involve lots of bh x reader moments, but i hope you guys enjoy it? ;-; im so sorry i havent write in so long, so im in the process of getting use to it all over again...

Genre: Drama, romance, fluff, angst

Warning: Age-gap (10 years), some curses, bad english, grammar error, unedited

notes: yln = your last name, yfn = your full name

masterlist

Byun Baekhyun x Female Readers

If you’re uncomfortable with age-gap relationship, please just scroll through it

Flashes of images went through your vision. Sounds of children crying and screaming filling your head. The heat from the fire, it feels like it’s gonna burn your skin. All of those feels so close yet so far. It goes so slow yet so fast. The images and sensation overwhelm you to no end.

And suddenly, it’s all stopped. The images of bus on fire, the children screaming, it’s like everything is just in the background and a white noise.

Instead, you saw a little girl looking around feeling helpless and devastated. You can see her screaming weakly for help. Tears were streaming down her face. Her little arms keep shaking the man beside her, trying to wake him up. She keeps asking for the man to wake up yet the man shows no sign of it. Every once in a while, she weakly screams for help to people around her, and really you tried. You tried to reach for her, yet you can’t. It’s like you weren’t even there. Desperately, you tried to reach for other people to help the poor little girl to no avail. Everyone were busy. With everything in you, you run to her. Run to her despite no moves were being made.

Until finally, you saw two hands reaching for her. Holding her and taking her away. You see her trying hard to get out of the grasp, reaching for the man that still laying still. She cried even harder. And suddenly, it’s like you were being picked up from underwater, her voice sounds clear to you. “Please help my dad! Dad! Dad!” she screams.

And suddenly, something exploded, right before your eyes. You want to scream, screaming for help. But you can’t It’s like something is blocking your voice cord from doing so. Until your visions went white and it turns to black.

A faint sound of beeping in certain type of rhythm caught your hearings. Sounds of people in rush too. And suddenly, you can feel the stiffness of your body.

You tried to move your fingers, a simple move that seems very difficult at the moment. Slowly, you opened your eyes. Blinding light of the room immediately greeting you, making you frown and closed your eyes again, trying to get used to the bright light.

The smell of some kind of chemical hit your smelling bud. You stare at your surrounding, taking it all in, trying to remember what had happened.

Suddenly the door to your room opened. Your eyes shoot at the intruder.

“Oh? You’ve wake up” Mina said to you as she entered the room.

You sighed and rubbed your eyes slowly. “What happened?” You asked, your voice hoarse and your throat feels dry.

Mina hands you a glass of water, that you gladly accept.

“You don’t remember?” Mina asked as she took a seat beside you.

“Only fragments? I can only remember the smell of gasoline and fire and the heat” you said.

“You and your impulsiveness... you were face to face with an almost death situation” Mina said while shaking her head. “You helped those kids in the bus” she added.

Slowly, the memories start coming back. Your eyes widened in realization.

“Those kids, they’re all saved right?” You said, panic starts to kicking in.

Mina held your arms, trying to calm you down. But the stare she gave you, it held so many meanings that you know so well.

“8 casualties...” Mina said, her voice getting quieter.

You froze in your bed. Despite knowing you can’t do anything about them, guilts till eating you alive, making you feel somehow responsible about it.

“Nothing you can do y/n, you tried your best, nothing you can do,” Mina explained in the most comforting way she could.

“What about the others? And the man?” You asked.

“Fortunately, they survived, some got serious burn, but most are just light wounds, the man is also alright” Mina explained. “Listen, I’m gonna tell the doctor you woke up okay?” She asked which earned a light nod from you.

The doctor came into your room with two nurses by his side. Checking up on you. Fortunately, nothing serious happened, you just inhale too much carbon monoxide and other chemicals that you don’t bother to remember. Even more fortunate, he said they can discharge you in three days if your health keep improving like the estimation.

You are just glad that you can escape this place and dive more into the job.

Suddenly you got reminded of the vision, or dream, that you saw. Something about it makes you feel distraught. Something about it makes you feel a missing part in you. Trying to ignore them, you decide to turn on your phone, diving into the internet to see what’s up and what have you missed.

As soon as the phone turned on, so many notifications came up, most of them are friends, plenty from family. Your mom missed called you once, and honestly speaking, it’s not surprising.

One message though, particularly caught your eyes. It’s the most recent one. From your mom.

“I knew there’ll always be something to be disappointed for from you” was written across the screen.

Your heart can’t help but clench. It shouldn’t bother you, it shouldn’t bother you when it had happen for so many times that you should have get used to it by now but you don’t.

You immediately come up to the internet though, wondering what makes your mom send you such message.

“Minister of Transportation and Communication is Faking Her Heroic Action?”

Was written on big sized fonts. An article that finally beat the ‘President and Minister are dating’ article.

“It was found that maybe the Minister is faking her heroic action for publicity purpose, and even, staged the whole scenario”

You can’t even believe what you’re reading with your own two eyes. Who was in their right mind and heart to write such things? 8 people died and they said it’s all a scheme?

“We hope sincerely the President will give thoughts on replacing his Minister, or perhaps, Lover”

You scoffed. You can feel the anger is one step away from crossing your limit. You felt tears are building in your eyes. You felt thankful at Mina for leaving the room at that time. You felt so ridiculed. You haven’t even work properly, yet people are already accusing you of such things. They just… haven’t seen what you capable of.

You see that the rest of article are just sub-writing that article. The comments are mostly curses and death wishes. This is one hell of a tough start for you, you’ve realized.

Mina who was just entering the room can’t help but notice the frown on your face. Gently, she took the phone from your hold. Your hands instinctively reach up for it.

“I’m not finished!” You whined at her.

“Rest, we don’t need this kind of negativity while on recovery” Mina said as she put your phone on the bedside table, a little bit further than your reach.

The knock on the door stole both of your attentions. Both of your heads shot up at it.

“A guest?” You asked.

“No one really saying anything about visiting except your family” Mina said, as she gave you a slight shrug.

Mina walked towards the door and opened it. Her eyes are furrowed in confusion. “Mr. Lee?” She called out.

“There’s a card and a basket of fruits from the President” Mr Lee said with his monotonous tone before he handed said things to Mina.

Mina muttered a small thank you before she closed the door and walked back towards you.

She handed you the card and left the basket on your bedside table.

“Who was that?” You asked while slowly opening the card.

“Oh? He was Mr. Byun’s chauffeur” Mina answered despite the lack attention from you since your eyes were already on the card.

A simple “Get well soon” was written on the card. You can’t help but scoffed and rolled your eyes. You appreciate the effort he gave though. But still, it’s a classic and textbook kind of kindness, and for some reason, it kind of annoyed you.

“I’m his minister for goddamn sake...” you muttered under your breath. Of course that was heard by Mina, which earned a chuckle from her.

You felt unfairly treated. You are still his minister no matter how many things had happened between you both in a matter of days. You should be treated with respect, and yet... he doesn’t even bother. Not that you care.

Reaching for the TV remote, you turn it on. Continuously changing the channel, nothing in particular caught your eyes. When suddenly you came across a headline.

“Minister’s Fake Heroic Action”

You scoffed. Feeling absolutely ridiculed. But you can’t lie that it’s actually caught your attention. And so you turn up the volume, curiosity picking in on what those people had to say.

What caught your attention more was the statement the president himself about to make.

“So far, we’ve been informed by the medical team that Minister y/l/n got minor injuries but thankfully nothing serious” Baekhyun said into the mic, his voice and expression was stern. “I can assure you that we will get to the bottom of this incident, together with Miss Y/l/n, we will solve this case” he added.

For some reason Baekhyun mentioning your name bring a slight smile to your day. It feels good in some way having someone to be on your side, trusting you, when it feels like the whole world doesn’t.

People was crowding the hospital’s entrance as it was the day you got discharged. Questions were asked here and there, of course all asking about what had happened in the incident. It was difficult to walk to enter your car when people keep pushing towards you to get closer, despite the securities surrounding you. After successfully entering the car, Mina kindly handled the situation, and you can’t be more thankful to her.

“Where to, Ma’am?” Your chauffeur asked.

“The president’s residence please”

His house was… well he’s a president, his house is just what you expect. A grand scale you could say, especially for someone who lives alone. Black, white, and grey are the colors that seem to decorate the house that feels more like a castle you would say. The smell of teakwood hit the smelling sense as soon as you stepped in. His housekeepers greeting whoever the guests that came to his house. A hint smell of some dishes entering your nose too, probably came from the dining room that’s not very far from the entrance. The man probably get hungry as soon as he finished work and enter the comfort of his house you thought.

“Ah, Miss y/l/n” Baekhyun said as he greeted you. “My cooks made us some foods to talk over with, would you like to eat?” He offered.

You gave him a small smile, alas not genuine. “Sure thing, Mr. Byun” you said, accepting his offer. Truth be told, you were hungry for some real food, not some bland hospital food.

You stepped into his dining room. As expected, his cook was there, greeting you with a smile. “Nice meeting you, Ma’am” his cook said. Your eyebrow raised in wonder. The image of warm homemade food come into your vision. You can’t help but gulping. You really can’t wait to devour them all. The smell of cream soup, truffle, and some other herbs filling your smelling sense.

Baekhyun who seems to notice your hunger state can’t help but chuckle. He might has some rivalry going on with you, but staring at the woman who usually keep her emotions covered and buried inside, and always seem to be calm, suddenly looking like a starve woman who hasn’t ate for years, it was an amusing sight.

“Please sit down, you can eat” Baekhyun said, with a slight tease in his tone.

You got embarrassed at the fact you can’t hide your hunger. Slight blush creeping up your cheeks. You chuckled. “I’m sorry, hospital foods were terrible” you said.

“Oh, I know very well, Miss y/l/n” Baekhyun said, his voice sounded a little bit solemn, hinting at something that you can’t pinpoint.

“So, why did you ask me to come sir?” You asked as you sit down, with Baekhyun following afterwards.

“I have something to discuss with you miss Y/l/n” He answered as he picked up his spoon. “It’s about the incident” he added.

You swallowed your food, which by the way tastes amazing, you almost moan from the taste itself, before answering him. “Don’t worry, I’ll get into it sir” you reassured.

“It’s not about that” he said as soon as you finished your sentences. Your head instantly shot up at him. He looked somewhat distressed, and you can see him trying to hide it. “I’m going to form a special team for it” he added.

His voice somewhat have this very serious tone. You knew this was a serious situation, but something in his voice, it’s like there’s something that he’s hiding from you. “With all due respect sir, I think my team back at my office can handle this well” you said carefully, tip-toeing around eggshells.

You can see his frown from your seat despite him still having his head down at his food. “Y/n, listen to me for this one and obey me, I don’t want to argue about this, we’re going to make a special team, that’s it” he said. The wrinkles on his forehead showed the distress he’s going through.

Honestly, you wanted to go against his order, knowing very well that this is something that you and your team can handle, and the fact this might be your chance to prove yourself, you won’t miss that chance. But you knew very well that he has something to hide, and honestly, for some reason you kind of pitied him.

“Right” you said simply. “So, what do you want me to do about it? Do you want me to gather people or?”

“Come here again tomorrow, 8pm”

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pidgezero-one · 6 years

Text

dont message me about this please. I just need somewhere to dump it

I had a falling out with my best friend at the end of july and he completely cut off contact with me. i trusted him more than anybody in the world and there are no words to describe how much his friendship meant to me. the way this happened destroyed my sense of self-worth and I isolated myself from people and tried to fill that empty void with drinking and shitty eating habits (namely starving myself followed by binge eating). fell into a pretty bad depression and was constantly lethargic and unproductive. hated going out in public because I hated myself and didnt want to be seen.

suffered a death in the family at the end of august. this isnt something I cope with in a healthy way. especially during that period of time

started talking with my friend again in september but that didnt go very well either. still felt shitty about this every day, just having this constant nervousness and wanting to throw up and feeling like im carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, every day 24 hours a day. i had dreams about our situation all the time and it fucked me up. cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. developed a lot of trust issues from revelations that came out in the few discussions we had. we havent spoken in almost 2 months now. still really miss him but also still hurting over the things he said and did

2 weeks later, boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me when I got back from dreamhack. it wasnt really a surprise and there's no bad blood but was still a really hard adjustment. we had lived together since before we started dating.

we were splitting rent on a 1 bed apartment so now I have to pay for it myself. i dont really have the means to move. this fucked me over financially bc I was in the process of paying about 8000 dollars worth of debt accrued from when I was unemployed in 2014. so that's why none of you have really seen me since then, im saving money instead of going out to do things. this is also around when I decided to cut the drinking to prevent it from getting out of hand and decided to fix my eating habits, both of which are saving me money

met someone new in november who I got close to pretty quickly. he knew I was hurting from something, a lot of things, and helped me recover and was somehow over time able to convince me i didnt deserve any of what was going on. i started to believe it too. we spent a lot of time together and became very good friends.

around the same time i saw another friend have a falling out with his best friend and the way it got him down made me really angry. he didnt deserve to feel that poorly. this helped me realize that neither did i.

start of december, i fell mutually in love with the new friend. although it was just the beginning of the relationship, it was unprecedented in how genuinely loved I felt. we were supportive of each other in ways I didnt even know I could be. never enjoyed someone's company so much before or felt so totally safe telling them literally anything, and after I was having so much trouble and anxiety over opening up to anybody like that again, this was really really special that he could make me feel that way. especially considering the vulnerable state I was in, I tried to be cautious about getting this attached so quickly, but I decided to trust him. you kinda had to be there to understand just why I let myself feel this way despite it looking like a textbook mistake and me being well aware of that fact. he was thoughtful and respectful and considerate and was the most loving person i've ever known. we live a long distance apart and decided we'd take things slowly until we had the chance to spend some time together in person and discuss what our future looks like at that time. we spent a lot of time together calling each other around the holidays and never let a day (or an hour, really) go by without making the other feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile. for a christmas gift he contacted a lot of my friends and compiled a series of video and audio clips from all of them sending me kind words at the holidays to remind me that i'm loved. he really was a wonderful person.

being able to really believe that I didnt deserve to feel as badly as I had been since the summer, combined with falling in love again... I was finally something resembling happy again, I got my confidence back, I was energetic and productive and in an improved state of mind... not completely, things still hurt and I think they always will. but I was at least functioning. the wounds were still there and they were still fresh but I was at least starting to heal.

had to replace my pc because too much of my hardware was just not working anymore. that was a big financial setback I wasnt prepared for. my laptop mobo also broke so now I dont have one of those anymore. oh well. once im done paying off the last part of my debt im going to save up for a new one

start of january, one of my closest friends goes radio silent and unresponsive to texts and calls for over a week. i was a fucking mess worrying about him. (we hung out a few days ago but at the time holy shit)

my coworker at my job (the only other dev on my team) is leaving, so I have to learn a ton of new stuff and also train who we hire next, and im pretty stressed out about that on top of the status of my current major project

i didnt go to agdq this year, but that entire week was rough. wanted to stay off social media and stuff to not be reminded of it but this is where all my connections are and I need to work on shit. I spent a lot of last agdq making good memories with the friend i had the falling out with and thinking back to that just makes me really sad now.

was finally starting to enjoy streaming again and I injured my hand recently and cant use it to use a dpad or joystick, so now im not doing that either. it got infected pretty badly and ive been worried about that for a while, but it's healing up now. hopefully ill return soon. also having numerous other alarming things happen healthwise that are too TMI for here but... yeah

last week the guy i loved dumped me. not going to go into detail on this but i feel very very slighted by how he chose to do it. it had only been a month but im pretty messed up and blindsided by it. despite the short length I can't remember the last time I had any kind of interpersonal relationship that was so emotionally fulfilling. i still don't really understand. being around him hurt so much that I left my favourite discord server where a lot of my close friends are cause he's in there too. i miss being in there so much but i just cant do it

on saturday I got the news that one of my friends from the smash 64 community passed away unexpectedly. i went to the visitation on sunday. it still doesn't feel real.

i dont want to talk about it, I dont want any offers to talk about it, I dont want to relive it, I dont want to think about it, and especially especially I d o n t w a n t t o t a l k a b o u t i t. just getting it out there bc I feel kinda overwhelmed atm from everything. i just wanna focus on doing the things I need to get done to keep my mind occupied. i want my best friend back, i want the person I love back, i want my friend to come back to life. there's nothing else that can be done for me

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therealestatesparkblog · 5 years

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Investing NOW So You Can Have the Lifestyle You Want LATER? You're Doing it Wrong.

The majority of individuals on BiggerPockets are investing in real estate because they want to create financial freedom. Blog and forum posts often touch on the fact that building out a real estate portfolio will allow you to achieve financial freedom. And I certainly agree with this notion. But what Ive come to realize is that financial freedom isnt what its all about. Few people actively write about building a lifestyle. True, there are many blog posts that touch on lifestyle by roughly saying, I invest in real estate so that I can eventually do these additional things that I love. The focus is on building a real estate portfolio with the lifestyle as a result. And thats the problem. Todays article is going to focus on building a lifestyle with the real estate portfolio or business as the result. What will be notably different in my article is that your desired lifestyle is the objective, not a number of units, not a cash flow per door number, and not even a financial freedom number. I want to turn the formula upside down. Were not investing in real estate and as a result, going to live an awesome lifestyle. Instead, were going to live an awesome lifestyle and as a result, invest in real estate. Lifestyle is SecondaryOr is It? There can be a high price to pay for financial freedom, especially if your means of getting there is investing in real estate or starting a business. Stress is high, money is tight, and your tenant just didnt want to pay rent this month. How many times have you met a business owner or real estate investor whois earning gobs of money yet openly complains about their lifestyle? With further prodding, you learn that these poor souls work insane hours, are always on call, and live in a constant jet stream of stress. But they earn $500k! Surely they are just cynical, as anyone earning that much must be happy. Trust me, as a CPA who interacts with and provides services to plenty of folks earning much more than $500k, money quickly loses its value in regard tohappiness. Money has a diminishing marginal return, meaning that after a certain point, each additional dollar you earn brings less happiness than the dollar before it. Research suggests this peak dollar figure is $70,000 annually. Related: How to Use Lifestyle Design to Create an Ideal Retirement Driven by Passive Income An example of diminishing marginal return: You order 10 cheeseburgers (you freakin love cheeseburgers!), and you eat them all in one sitting. You havent eaten in a while, so the first one is delicious. It truly hits the spot. The second one is also delicious. Its cooked medium rare, nice and juicy, perfectly seasoned. The third one is good, but you are starting to get full so its not as good as the first two. By the tenth cheeseburger, youre so full that the sight of it repulses you. Thats diminishing marginal return in a nutshell. Each cheeseburger is the exact same, but their value steadily reduces as you consume them. Im always curious to hear the backstory of these folks who earn plenty of money yet are seemingly unhappy. Unsurprisingly,the stories are all relatively all the same: I dreamed about living X lifestyle in the future, so I started this business/ invested in real estate to hopefully get there. On the flip side, I also have clients earning a high amount of money who are perfectly happy. They love what they do, and more importantly, they love their day-to-day. When I ask them about their backstory, their stories generally go like this: I had a lifestyle that I wanted to live today, and this business was what complimented that lifestyle. And that, my dear readers, is the key difference between living a life of full of wealth and happiness and one of just monetary wealth. Lifestyle Starts Today I learned this rather quickly in my career so Im quite grateful: Lifestyle starts today, not tomorrow. The key point I want to impress upon you throughout this entire article is that you dont have to wait 15 years to achieve financial freedom and then begin living your desired lifestyle. Instead, I want you to think about the desired lifestyle you want to live right now and figure out what steps you can begin taking to implement said lifestyle immediately. Ive never met someone who wanted to be unhappyyet many people are unhappy. And if you look closely, most of them have a common theme running throughout their life: Their desired future lifestyle dictates how they live today. They are sacrificing their present time for future happiness. Now, Im not suggesting that you drop everything and put forth little work or that you dont think about the future lifestyle youd like to achieve. What I am suggesting is that you begin implementing the lifestyle you want to live today and build everything else around you to supplement that lifestyle. Youre still going to sacrifice plenty. Youre still going to stress and wonder if youre doing the right thing. But the key difference is that we are focusing oncrafting your lifestyle today, rather than setting a target number in our minds and saying, Once I hit that, Ill begin to live the lifestyle of my dreams. Where Do We Start? Frankly, I dont really know. Im a CPA, not a guru trying to sell you my coaching program for $20,000 (I take check or creditjust kidding, of course). What I do know is that crafting a lifestyle that Ill enjoy on a day-to-day basis has been my goal from the get-go. I dont want to wait 20 years to retire and live the lifestyle of my dreams. I want to do that today. So Im going to walk you through my logic ofhow I built assets around me to supplement the lifestyle I wanted to live. Hopefully youll be able to take something away from this and implement it in your own life. The first step is to define the lifestyle you want. After my first few months working for a Big 4 accounting firm, I decided that the corporate lifestyle was not for me. I didnt understand why one must commute to an office for work that could easily be done in the comfort of my own home. I thought the whole dressing up thing just got in the way of providing high quality work. The last time I checked, a suit and tie, while studies suggest makes you more confident, dont improve your intellect nor work product. Worst of all, I didnt understand why people of high integrity and character were required to show up a 9:00 a.m. every day. If the deadlines are met, the quality of work is high, and the client is happy (the most important thing), then why does it matter when someone walks into the office? It seemed the performance measurements were backwards. I disagreed with the values of the corporate lifestyle, how they held individuals accountable, and how they measured performance. So I began to sketch out what my ideal lifestyle looked like. I knew that I wanted the flexibility to work in my pajamas at home. I knew I wanted to be able to work anywhere in the world seamlessly while traveling. And I knew that I wanted my performance to be measured by something other than whether or not I billed 1,800 hours out of the 2,080-hour work year (thats called utilization in the accounting world). I determined the best thing to do was to build assets around me that allows me to accomplish these things. The two asset classes I chose were real estate and a professional services business. But the key for living my lifestyle would be a laser focus on implementing systems that complimented my lifestyle. Building Assets and Focusing on the Systems When people focus on a number to achieve their desired lifestyle, the business systems get put on the back burner. Instead, you should be focusing on the systems you must implement in order to live the lifestyle you want today. As I mentioned, I decided that investing in real estate and running a business would both complement the lifestyle I desired to live. The problem was that real estate typically requires a hands-on approach, and professional services firms usually have offices that clients can walk intoboth of which go against my desired lifestyle of working anywhere in the world. The real estate solution was rather simple to figure out. I knew I needed properties that cash flowed quite well, as I needed all of my expenses to be covered. The cash flow would allow me to buy teammates on the ground and put the asset in auto-pilot mode, allowing me to be 100 percent virtual. I could invest in areas I visited frequently or wanted to travel to once a year, and Id require that my property manager send me a video walkthrough of my units quarterly. Related: How I Saved $20,000 in 2014 and Used it to Invest in Lifestyle Design On the buy side, Id research the citys economics like crazy to make sure the local economy was growing and not subject to undue risk. Id use Google street view to explore neighborhoods. Id place offers sight unseen and only travel to the property post-inspection. Using these desktop methods, Ive picked up two 3-unit properties. These two properties cash flow well and cover most of my monthly living expenses, though I dont actually use the cash flow for my monthly living expenses. The point is, if the going gets tough, I can rely for a short amount of time on these properties. The business solution was a bit tougher. When I hammered out what I wanted my lifestyle to look like, I knew there were very few corporate jobs that would support it. The next step was to start a business, and since I had a CPA, I naturally started a CPA firm. It was tough to figure out how to build a CPA firm that would support my lifestyle. My biggest obstacle was the preconceived notion that clients would want to walk into a CPAs office and shake his/her hand. But I knew the lifestyle I was crafting so I laid out the ground rules for my CPA firm: I will not meet clients face-to-face. Instead, well hold meetings over the phone or video calls. This goes for local clients as much as non-local.My marketing will be content rich. I will develop awesome content that people derive massive value from. A potential client will read my articles and test me out prior to ever scheduling their first consultation.I will develop business systems that will support a virtual practice. Document sharing must only be done in the cloud. I will not accept paper documents.I will hire employees and not require them to be local to me nor come into an office. They will enjoy the same lifestyle I do. This means they have to want to live the lifestyle Im living. I will also need to develop metrics that focus on results, not the amount of time an employee works. With that, I was off to the races. I started making massive strides to get content out there, and I used BiggerPockets as my growth platform. It was tough and took a lot of sacrificing, but two years later, I have a firm that supports my desired lifestyle. Conclusion My point in telling you this is that I didnt say, I want my lifestyle to be X in the future, so I must build a business to reach $Y in annual revenue. At that time, Ill be able to live the lifestyle I want to live. Instead, my method of thinking is, I want to live X lifestyle and Im going to build Y assets and systems that complement the lifestyle I want to live. With my way of thinking, you wont be putting your desired lifestyle off into some distant future point. Instead, youll start thinking of ways you can move toward living your desired lifestyle today. Sure, it takes sacrifice and hard work. It took me two years to get my business to a point where I could actually live the lifestyle I was actively trying to build. But in those two years, I had a laser focus on building a business that complemented the lifestyle I wanted to live. My virtual lifestyle was the objective; the real estate and the business were the results. Many people make the mistake of lettingtheir lifestyle be the result and their investing or their businesses the objective. Dont do that. Focus on building a lifestyle portfolio and business. Youll be much happier in the end. Were republishing this article to help out our newer readers. How are you designing a lifestyle that works for you? Do you agree with the above philosophy? Let me know your thoughts with a comment! https://www.biggerpockets.com/renewsblog/crafting-lifestyle-real-estate-business/

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ralphmorgan-blog1 · 7 years

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Chasing dreams may be the next sleeper hit for venture capitalists

Joanna Glasner Contributor

Joanna Glasner is a reporter for Crunchbase.