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exosupport · 2 years

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one of our headmates got r//ped in the headspace recently and then we introjected someone who was supposed to help him... well basically what she was supposed to do was be a perfect heterosexual woman from his era (the 1950s) and become his girlfriend or whatever, basically to have him forget about his internalized homophobia and pretend like hes the definition of the perfect american male from his era (which is something we think he did in his source). (and also, pretend the r//pe didnt happen) except the thing is, the woman that was supposed to do this is refusing to do it because she thinks it will only make things worse for him. anyways not a lot of us have been in contact w him for a while but hes been w his best friend from his source and according to his best friend hes been having angry outbursts to anyone who isnt his best friend. were really concerned about helping him, do you have any idea what we can do? our therapist knows about this incident yet she doesnt know how to help us. sorry if this doesnt belong here

Alright there's a lot to address here and I also will say that any advice we give here is based only on what little context we have. I find it extremely odd that your therapist has nothing to say about this at all but that's therapy for you I guess. Anyway insert disclaimer about us not being mental health professionals or having unfailable advice here etc.

This is going to be blunt because I don't mince words when it's something like this but all of this is /nm (not mad) and I genuinely just want to help y'all here to the best of my ability.

First off we %100 agree with the recently formed headmate I do not know if you introjected her intentionally for that purpose or it was just an innate one but if you do have control over it you should absolutely never introject someone with the expectation they'll be in a relationship at all but especially not one as toxic as this (it creates a power imbalance when a system mates whole purpose is in relation to one other specific person and it can become very dehumanizing to put too much stock into system roles or purposes at all but that's a discussion for a future post. Also perhaps this wasn't meant to be literal but no one can be perfect so that's entirely off the table from what you could expect.)

Why would you (general not you specifically idk who is believing what here) possibly think them getting a subservient girlfriend and pretending he's heterosexual and that his trauma never happened to begin with would help him recover in any way? This would be incredibly unhealthy for him on multiple levels.

Before I continue to talk about him though I am very much concerned about her as well. I cannot tell if most of you agree or disagree with her so forgive me if I am misinterpreting any of this but I certainly hope that she has support and is not being demonized for her decision (which I firmly believe is the right one) and that her consent (in this case not given) is being respected. Please do not forget her mental and physical health in all of this because forming in this kind of situation is extremely traumatic in any case.

Back to the matter at hand though, we've had someone in headspace experience a similar trauma and though we will not give any details to protect our privacy I will say that the first thing we did was try and give them a space to talk about and process everything and acknowledge what happened for what it was. He needs to be able to process and accept what happened before he can try to move on from it and to do that he needs both a space to do so and the patience necessary to take things at his own pace so that he doesn't overwhelm himself.

I also am not sure if the person who raped him is still in system and is able to do anything else to him or anyone and I hope not but if so please make sure you are also doing things to prevent this from happening again. Of course it's impossible to be %100 safe from this sort of thing but definitely make sure to be increasing on safety practices if at all possible.

That being said the angry outbursts are very likely due to helplessness. When you've been sexually abused in that way you are helpless not just to your abuser but also to your own body and the responses it does or doesn't have. Understandably anger is a common response to those feelings of helplessness that will persist until they're worked through. He's likely to lash out about various inconveniences because he doesn't have the space to talk about that trauma.

I cannot offer any real advice other than make sure everyone is safe/no further abuse is happening, re-examine what you may or may not have internalized about consent and about individuality when it comes to system members, and to give him a safe environment to come to terms with everything that happened and with his internalized homophobia as well but I hope that this helps and something can be done.

If you have anything else you need to ask about or mention though our inbox is always open. Good luck and stay safe!

#rape tw #objectification tw #abuse tw #misogyny tw #homophobia tw #ask to tag #advice #verdict

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twink-frank · 3 years

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hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

#adrian speaks #mcr #pencey prep #frank iero

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neo-shitty · 3 years

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toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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flower-of-the-desert · 4 years

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Thoughts on 2gether ep12

I knew last episode was a false sense of security and now there’s

(I love this gif so much, it works for all kinds of things that cause pain)

but seriously though, I am here for the drama like I loved how soft and fluffy it was so far but now gimme a little bit of angst for the climax please and thank you; but dont forget that happy ending ok? OK?????

I said last week and I’ll say it again, I really do love that Tine and Wat’s problems are coming from their own character flaws and issues and like yes, there’s Pam but she’s not... really the core of it you know? Like obviously the real problems here are Tine’s insecurities and overhinking and Sarawat’s not being very forthcoming with things he thinks will embarrass him in front of Tine which is kind of fascinating to me cause we saw the same thing last ep when Wat didnt want to admit the clip was for Tine at first because he was embarrassed/shy and now with the song I’m guessing it’s the same thing and/or it’s not ready yet and Wat doesnt want to tell Tine until he’s got it perfected

but it’s the combination of those two flaws of their that’s driving the drama right now - Pam being just the catalyst - and it’s all going to backfire spectacularly on Wat next episode

.... and I am here for it, this is character drama I can get behind

speaking of Pam, I wonder if that’s not another misunderstanding there when she said I love you? as in I love you romantically or I love you as a dear friend? And she also says she wants to go back to how things were before but before she wasnt dating Wat, they were just closer as friends than they are now

I hope that’s what they’re going for like she misses having Wat as a friend and wants to get their friendship back and not that she’s in love with him

I think it would work better thematically with Tine being insecure and seeing things through that lense rather than what they are in reality

but omg, my man Mil really pull through! I’m so happy he’s finally moving on from his feelings for Tine and by giving back the bracelet he’s basically telling Wat to not waste the chance he has to be with Tine now by not being careful

I read a comment after last episode that I really really liked saying that Mil doesnt really seem interested in Tine anymore but what he was doing in ep11 was mostly just to get on Wat’s nerves and trying to be friends with Tine at the very least (trying to explain himself about the attack because he didnt want Tine to be scared of him/to think he was that kind of a person) and I think this scene absolutely proves that and I love it

also the fact that he remembered that today was Phukong’s exam and sent him an encouraging message 💖💖💖

I love how Tine and Wat are walking with their hands around each other

and now we’re taking a shower together O_o

I’m not complaining

you know, I’m not getting any deeper into the kissing/sex debate because like I said last week, yes I agree that it makes sense for them to be touching more as in the show has set it up that they want to do it but this episode absolutely semented for me that the implications are there that they do do it off screen but we’re not gonna see that and usually I would be upset about it because 1) I am horny bird with a dirty dirty brain, 2) I loooooooove touchy-feely couples in general and 3) it makes sense for your couple to be physically intimate from a pure writing POV unless you’ve set up some reason for them not to be which is clearly not the case here

but... I dont know, with these two it just doesnt bother me as much as it normally would; I dont know why, maybe it’s that I adore how well developed their emotional intimacy is (and like you cant find THAT in most couples in TV either so that’s already a big plus) and that they’re clearly comfortable touching/being near each other/getting in each other’s space like a couple WOULD do, it’s the heavier stuff that is left off screen and that’s a writing choice they apparently decided to go with and well, it is what it is

the only complaint I have is that they really should have had a few more kisses, like not on FTTT’s level of making out like your life depends on it but at least little pecks here and there, I think that would have been perfect

ANYWAY, so those are my finale thoughts on that matter, MOVING ON phew

Tine’s so gone he’s smiling at a picture of Wat while being in the same room as him which is frankly #mood

Tine’s just like I do not vibe with this so I’m removing myself from the situation the moment Pam opened her mouth and he just TURNED THE FUCK AROUND AND WALKED AWAY

I thought Sarawat was the one to look out for when it comes to jealousy but Mr I’m gonna punish you all night long here is actually the real deal

Type and Man are EXACTLY that cat/dog meme and I’m living for it, this entire scene is just so funny and Type’s little “open it” at the end is just 🤣

I like how they’re building up Tine’s insecurities over Pam little by little by having Tine find similarities between them and then with the talk about first loves and letting us see how he comes to the conclusions he does so it makes sense how it all happens

holy shit I did not expect Man/Type to break my heart too but HERE WE ARE

that dinner scene was so hard to get through especially because what Man is going through realising he’s got nothing much to offer Type at the moment, financially speaking and that he’s still a first year and he’s got a lot of things left to do for his own future and life and just... that hits hard

unpopular opinion but I actually like that Type left with the asshole boss because 1) that’s gonna make him realise that he does miss Man when he stops coming to him next ep and 2) like from Type’s POV it makes sense? he barely knows this kid that’s been chasing him non-spot and annoying him and yeah, sure he’s helpful and seems genuine in his feelings and Type clearly is starting to melt a little but but he also wants to not lose his job and offend his boss (he might be a total jackass but he’s still Type’s boss) so he’s got no choice but to prevent the situation from escalating

also I like to think that maybe part of why he decided to leave was cause he was trying to protect Man by not letting him get in a fight with the guy

also did I say how much I am here for the drama next week when Man really does stop looking for him and Type realises oh shit I did NOT want that and yells at Man for disappearing on him after making him feel these things

which is basically like how Tine decided to go about confessing his feelings not like a normal Braincell-filled person but accusing Wat of not taking responsibility for making Tine fantasize about kissing him and OMG these two really are brothers, arent they?

I really was hoping Wat would say Tine was his first love but THEN he proceeded to snatch my wig with saying that what he felt for Pam was nothing like what he felt for Tine that day at the concert and being so ridiculously OFFENDED when Tine said he and Pam were alike he was like wHAt?? you are like her??? PLEASE YOU ARE THE WEIRDEST PERSON I’VE EVER MET AND I LOVE YOU PLS NEVER LEAVE ME

AND THEN TINE BREAKS DOWN COMPLETELY AT THE END THINKING HE’S LOST WAT LIKE FULL ON SOBBING AND HITTING THE WALL AND SHAKING HIS HEAD IN DENIAL AND I AM NOT OK

WHO LET ME WATCH THAT

I NEED A HUG

TINE NEEDS A HUG

anyway, I am fine

next episode looks like it’s gonna be choked full of some of my favourite tropes and honestly I canNOT wait

but dont forget that happy ending though OK??????

#bl drama #2gether the series

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handonshipper · 4 years

Text

A Twist Through TIme: Chapter Two

Stefan continued walking with Klaus and then entered Gloria's bar once they arrived. He looked over at the witch, who was working on a solution. Or rather faking working on a solution as she tried to figure out what she wanted to know.

Klaus walked in the bar, his gaze immediately falling on the witch. He didn’t hesitate before walking over to her. “Have you found anything yet? Or must I use other...methods in order to motivate you?” He questioned with a smirk on his lips.

"I'm doing the best I can" Gloria said, looking at him. "These things take time." Her head then turned to the front door as the tribrid walked in. She could easily sense her power. "And who are you?" She asked, straightening up, eyeing the girl warily.

Hope swallowed a little as she ran into her dad yet again. "Hope" she said simply.

"Now this one radiates power. More than I've ever seen" Gloria said, looking at her curiously and cautiously.

Hope glanced between Klaus and Gloria. "I should go" she said, looking at the two and taking a step back.

Klaus had been close to threatening the witch. He was already feared before, but now that he broke his curse, he was ten times more powerful. However, He frowned as he listened the words exchanged when Hppe entered the bar. “Not so fast.” He smirked taking a step towards Hope. “And here I thought you were just a useless young girl. It appears I was wrong. Tell me, what exactly are you?” He hadn’t been able to tell when they first met, and he usually could. Which now concerned him considering the witch seemed so cautious of her. More than with Klaus himself it would seem.

"It doesnt matter what I am" Hope said, looking at him as she tightened her grip on the sketchbook she was holding, trying to keep her emotions under control

“Oh I believe it does.” Klaus said smugly. “Especially when I consider the way you are acting right now. So very nervous.” He smirked keeping his eyes locked on hers. “I do recommend you tell me willingly. If I have to make you, I cannot guarantee it will be pretty. Though I suppose it will be much more enjoyable for me and my friend Stefan here.”

"I'm a witch" Hope said. It was 33% true anyways. 50% if you exclude the vampire side she has yet to trigger. She couldnt say she was

Gloria looked at her doubtfully. She had connections to the other side. To a couple witches at least. And none of which were saying anything but that they could sense the girl was an abomination.

Klaus frowned at the answer. He could tell there was more to it. What that could be, he wasn’t sure. But he knew he would find out. “A witch. Excellent. In that case maybe you two can possibly find a solution to my problem.” He suggested though it was clear it wasn’t up to them. He needed to make more hybrids, and he didn’t care who he had to force or threaten so long as he got what he wanted.

Hope sighed in irritation. She really didnt want to have to stop her dad. But she also didnt want to risk compromising the future.. but if she just did the same as the witch, it wouldnt compromise anything yet. Whereas making a scene and attacking her father would. She needed to come up with a plan. "Fine. I'll hold off my plans to try to figure out the spell that sent me here to help you figure out your problem"

she said as she put the sketchbook and pencils (which she had bought to help calm herself)down on a table in the bar and walked over to the witch.

Stefan was watching Hope curiously , a bit worried about what she would find, but he didnt show it. Instead he went closer to the witches. "Do you know who we are?" He asked her, wanting to hear the truth, merely out of curiosity.

Hope looked at him before looking over at Klaus, ignoring the question. "What exactly are we supposed to be doing?" She asked

"She needs Rebekah if you want her to be able to help me find the necklace" Gloria told Klaus.

"There you two are" Rebekah said, walking inside Gloria's bar. "You left me. Rude, both of you. And who is this?" Her gaze was on Hope now. "A snack for the two of you?"

"Shes a witch. Powerful one apparently. Klaus wants to see if she can find the necklace" Stefan filled her in as he walked over to the bar, pouring himself a drink.

Hope straightened herself as she looked at Rebekah. "I'm Hope" she introduced herself.

“Yes well, you were being quite the pain dear sister.” Klaus retorted with a sarcastic smile on his lips, momentarily forgetting about Hope. It wasn’t until Rebekah questioned her existence that he remembered she was there. “Right. She somehow ended up in Stefan’s apartment. Apparently another witch quote, “blasted” her in there. If such a thing is even possible.” He said rolling his eyes as he clearly still didn’t fully believe her story. “Frankly if she cannot find the necklace either then I truly will wish she was a snack.” He snorted. “Come to think of it I am getting a bit peckish. What do you say we go find someone to drain once we are finished with this?” He asked looking at Stefan as his lips shaped into a smirk.

"Mmm. I could use a snack" Stefan said with a grin as he downed his glass

"Come on. Let's get this over with" Rebekah whined impatiently, holding her hand out to Hope. "I want my bloody necklace"

Hope looked up at her aunt Rebekah before taking her hand gently and closing her eyes, trying to sense something like she has been requested. Suddenly, she caught a glimpse of a girl that looked like Bonnie Bennett. Younger version. She listened and heard Stefan's name. The pieces fell together about what was exactly going on. She kept her eyes closed for a moment longer.

"Do you have anything?" Stefan asked. "Or are you useless as well?"

Hope kept her eyes closed for an extra moment. She let go of Rebekah, opening her eyes quickly. She placed a quick and whispered sleeping spell both on Gloria and Stefan before standing up as the two collapsed unwillingly.

Klaus had been watching intently as Hope tried to find the necklace he needed. When she opened her eyes, he was about to question her himself but Stefan beat him to it. He soon blinked in surprise however when Stefan suddenly collapsed. “What is this? What have you done to him?” He asked threateningly as he now glared at Hope. He didn’t do anything yet, but the wrong answer would very well end with her dead.

"I put them under a sleeping spell. Neither of them are on your side. I heard some girls talking about Stefan. Yes I know who you both are. Which means, chances are, he knows exactly where the necklace is. And as for the witch, Gloria, if I can figure this all out in a matter of seconds, she should have been able to as well. Clearly she doesnt want you to have the necklace either" Hope explained, looking at her dad. "Look, if I was against you, wouldnt I have done it to you instead?" She reasoned

Klaus was silent for a few minutes, simply letting that sink in. He wasn’t surprised about Gloria, seeing as he appeared to be an abomination to all witches. Even his own mother. And he never did trust her. But Stefan...that one did surprise him. And if he was honest, it even hurt him. He considered him his friend. Yet it turns out this whole time he had merely been humoring him. But of course he refused to let any of that pain show.

“Alright. Fine. Then tell me where the necklace is. If you aren’t against me as you in fact say.”

"Mystic Falls" Hope replied, looking at him. "Neither will wake up until I remove the spell"

"Well, you're coming with us" Rebekah said. "Just in case you are lying."

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Klaus mumbled mainly to himself. Of course Stefan didn’t want him poking around in Mystic Falls. Not where his precious friends were. He didn’t think the young witch was lying, but he couldn’t afford to take any chances. “Alright. Mystic Falls it is. Come on then...what was your name again?”

Hope sighed softly, wishing she could just be left out of it. She didnt know how much she could take. "My name is Hope" she said for the third time.

Rebekah picked up Stefan easily. "What do we do with him, Nik? He lied to us, assuming the witch is telling the truth"

“Right. Hope. Strange name.” Klaus mumbled thoughtfully before being snapped out of it by Rebekah. His gaze fell on Stefan’s collapsed form. Anger flashed in his eyes for a moment before it quickly disappeared. “We leave him. Clearly he was attempting to protect one of his less than worthy friends. I say we leave him with the knowledge that doing so, will only result in me possibly murdering them all.”

He smirked at the thought. “Slowly and painfully.”

Hope sighed softly as Rebekah dropped Stefan in a booth before stabbing him in the gut as payback. She tore her gaze away, hating how this was happening to him. That it was her fault because she couldnt just go along with things. "So does that mean you want me to wake him up?" the tribrid questioned, looking at him.

Klaus thought about it for a moment. His lips curled upwards as a thought came to mind. “Yes actually. I have the perfect plan for our traitor.” He said and took a seat at the booth across from Stefan. “Go on.” Hope sighed softly at that and woke up Stefan before turning away and grabbing her sketchbook.

Stefan's eyes slowly opened, and he pushed himself up and groaned at the feeling of wood in his stomach. He pulled it out painfully and tossed it to the ground. "What happened?

Klaus smirked as he looked at Stefan, hiding away any type of hurt emotions just like he was used to doing by now. “Oh I can tell you what happened. However you already know. You betrayed me. And whilst normally punishment for such a thing is death, I have something far, far worse.”

"What are you talking about?" Stefan questioned, looking confused.

"Drop the act. The person with the necklace was discussing you. And the necklace is in Mystic Falls. So chances are you know exactly who has it. Yet you didnt tell him" Hope said.

Klaus’ smirk widened a little as he listened to Hope. He had to admit he could get used to having someone actually being on his side for once. This girl just met him and yet she was already defending him far more than his siblings ever did. “Which means you were protecting them the entire time and this whole, you are now on my side thing was nothing but a ruse.” He looked directly into Stefan’s eyes then. “See, typically I would have ripped your heart out by now. However, I think my arrangement is far better. I am going to go to Mystic Falls. You are going to stay here until I tell you you are allowed to return.” He said, speaking each word slowly as he compelled him. “Which, if we’re honest, will be once I rip the heart out of whoever has the necklace.” He grinned.

Stefan felt the compulsion sinking in. His inability to move. To leave. "Klaus, dont do this" he said, looking at him, worry obvious in his eyes

Hope sighed softly and sat down, thinking of how much she had already changed things. For all she knew, she was already on the path to erasing her whole existence. To erasing the twins from being born. Her heart sank, and she swallowed hard. "What about making him come with us but having his humanity off and under your control completely? Once the humanity comes back, the guilt about whatever he does comes back hard" Hope suggested casually as she poured herself some water and took a sip

Klaus openly glared at Stefan, hating the plea that left his lips. He betrayed him and then he had the nerve to beg him not to act on his anger? “You pretended to be on my side and now you have the audacity to ask me to have mercy?” He questioned, clearly prepared to say more. Though of course then he heard Hope and instantly he smiled in satisfaction. He liked this girl, whoever she was. “What a wonderful idea, Hope. Not only will the outcome be the same, but now I get to personally witness his guilt. I have to say I love the way you think.” He smirked once more. “Very well. Change of plans. We are following Hope’s idea.”

Hope felt guilty, but she knew it had to be done. It was what had happened last time. Things were going to have to happen right. Even if she hated it. Besides, Stefan did betray her father. But still.... he did die for the town. She finished her drink and watched.

Stefan's heart sank at that, already dreading it and what would happen to Elena because of this. He just hoped Damon and Bonnie and Caroline would be able to protect her.

Klaus smirked in satisfaction as he observed Stefan’s expression. “Come on then. I want to get to Mystic Falls as soon as possible.” After all, the faster he found the necklace, the faster he could figure out why his hybrids weren’t surviving.

Stefan got up out of the booth, already dreading what was to come. He didnt say anything. There was no point. He couldnt pretend anymore. Klaus was about to learn the truth about Elena. And there was nothing he could do to stop it. Rebekah put down her glass, fighting her instinct to hurt Stefan again. His betrayal hurt her because she still loved him. "Come on" she told Hope before leading her out of the bar. Hope followed Rebekah, holding her sketchbook close to her as they made their way to where their vehicle was. She looked over at the blonde before looking away.

Klaus headed out, his mind only thinking of what everything would be like once he had his hybrids. He would truly be invincible. “I am curious to see who it was you were protecting.” He smirked as he glanced over at Stefan. “More than that, I suppose I’m curious what it will be like for you when I kill whoever it is. Or perhaps you should be the one to do it hm? Yes. That sounds like a better idea.”

#hope mikaelson #legacies #cw legacies #legacies cw #vampire diaries #tvd #klaus mikaelson #stefan salvatore #rebekah mikaelson #a twist through time #A twist through time chapter two

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doctorguilty · 4 years

Text

alright here’s how I’d rewrite Infinite and ergo some of the plot points of the games story.. it got long i got a little carried away lol........................

Infinite’s name probably isn’t that before he becomes a tool of destruction thing but I don’t care all that much to name him something else rn

he also doesn’t have a sword because that’s really not necessary and I don’t know how to make that relevant at all

forget the mercenary thing because it makes no sense that he was “hired” by eggman and that’s also boring. The jackal squad is a nomadic, robin hood type group that steals from bad folks to help other animal people villages in need

to make character relationships.. matter a little bit more, OC is a long time childhood friend of Infinite and they still see one another a decent amount despite the jackals moving around

I don’t really care how or why the phantom ruby exists in fact I’m just realizing there’s a huge discontinuity because according to the COMIC it just.. existed arbitrarily like a chaos emerald, but according to the GAME it seems to be something Eggman fabricated, since there’s “prototypes” in play??? hm hm okay you know what I’m feeling ambitious let’s make both make sense. There is one true phantom ruby that exists, eggman finds it, where ever I don’t care. some legend about, this ruby can bring your ultimate fantasies to life! EXCEPT you need to have, idk, a good heart, a heart of gold, to use it and eggman doesnt have that so he can see the illusion of his empire but it wont become reality

eggman thinks okay well, maybe if I fabricate copies of it I can make a version that will work, which I reckon doesn’t make them “prototypes’ anymore but just, copies, but close enough. however, they still don’t work

now cut to jackal squad raiding eggman for his cool shit. maybe they catch wind about this whole “bring your fantasies to life” power and want to use it for good and they know eggmans vibes are rancid. in any case the jackals make off with a ruby (a FAKE one uh oh!) but not without infinite losing an eye and gaining one big unsightly scar from a fight w/ eggman and he’s like Shook about that but he’s like hm well at least I stopped that terrible guy from harnessing this power (oh no bitch u thought..)

of course the jackals dont keep their spoils but WHO ever could be trusted with this legendary gem thing?!? oh none other than You, Original The Character, aka Infinite’s best friend .............. so he gives the ruby to OC and tells them like, idk allegedly this can make ur dreams come true but I don’t know how it works...oh my eye? yeah I sure used to have two of those but dont worry about it, anyway ttyl stay fresh *saunters off, jackaly*

because the fake!ruby is.. fake, it just seems to be a dud at first so OC just hangs onto it as a keepsake

eggman, pissed about his shit getting stolen and worried what could be done with it sends robots out to hunt down infinite, kidnap him, and drag him back to eggman’s base and demand the fake!ruby back. infinite naturally refuses to tell him anything especially at the cost of putting OC in danger, so he’s like, blow it out your ass

eggman is like HAHA WELL U DUMB SHIT you stole a fake anyway and I have the real one right here.. he uses the ruby to suddenly spawn a bunch of robots and infinite braces himself for the attack... except they go right through him because they’re just illusions. eggman is like FUCK !! DAMMIT! WHY WONT THIS SHIT WORK!! Infinite uses eggman’s tantrum time to rush in to snatch the ruby. when infinite touches it as its in eggman’s hand, however, all the illusion robots become “real” (probably conveying this through effects/opacity), taking them both by surprise. infinite is unable to take the ruby before getting hit with a full force attack from a robot

infinite is incapacitated and eggman grins, like, inch resting...................... you seem to be able to make the ruby work... I will now use you for malicious purposes >:) (cut to black)

NOW when Infinite is in the tube, 1) he already has his mask because the scene with him putting it on and monologueing about abandoning his old identity is unnecessary, it’s more symbolic here, 2) he’s amnesic and I know we did that with shadow already and I don’t mean to overuse it, but I think it works well enough in a different way for this story! Shadow had some fragments of memories and an identity crisis, but with Infinite, his memory is completely wiped (or perhaps suppressed?) and his only understanding of himself is that he was “created” to work for eggman. Even MORE importantly! the stakes are raised because of Infinite’s relationship to the OC--Infinite cannot remember them which makes attacking them a lot more heart wrenching ESPECIALLY when we get to a point where OC begins to recognize their brainwashed best friend using one of the (apparently) very same rubies given to OC to try to destroy them with

this also adds more tension to all the scenes where Infinite is taunting and threatening OC on a quite personal , rivalry-like level? Infinite would, over time, begin to get an inexplicable sense of familiarity with OC, which causes him to hesitate and hold back

oh and as for the fake!ruby, OC does use it to defend himself just like the first time! it ends up being successfully activated because OC shows a strong will to protect the other civilians. if you haven’t caught on to my cheese, both OC and Infinite have hearts of gold and thats why they can use the rubies. eggman is cheating though by fusing Infinite to the ruby and using him as a proxy for his bad will..... and again, coming back to the cheese, Infinite’s heart cannot be changed and he is not truly “evil” so that’s like, how this is working

I’m way too lazy to fix everything scene by scene because there’s also just SO MUCH wrong with all the other characters and plot but I’m just focusing on fixing Infinite and making him more interesting so I’m skipping to the end..

I’m not entirely sure how I’d order the bosses and what I’d wanna do with the eggman robot phases the whole things was a big mess............I kinda wanna go with what I THOUGHT was going to happen after beating up giant robot thing and then that squid robot breaks out??? and I thought it was going to be Infinite cause that would be much more dramatic? So lets go with that---When Eggman says like, well fuck infinite who needs him? i harnessed the power of the ruby into my robot, he means he literally trapped Infinite in it like, wired up and shit to use him like a power generator. fucked up. Infinite breaks out after that phase of the battle, and he’s like, in so much pain and glitched out on overclocked energy he cant even control what he’s doing.... commence TRUE final boss battle (it can still be a tagteam with sonic), and it’s sad and dramatic! OC pleads (or I reckon sonic, maybe the other heroes too since they talk during fights! like since OC doesnt talk) infinite to remember his true self because they dont want to destroy him

once you’ve depleted his health bar, I’m going to go ahead and use the game’s weird addition of quicktime events to fuel more cheesiness (B/C THIS IS SONIC...WHY DID THEIR “POWER OF FRIENDSHIP” MORAL END ON SUCH A BLAND, UNEMOTIONAL NOTE IN FORCES??? shadow didnt fall to his (alleged) death in sa2 for this..............) and you quicktime OC HUGGING Infinite, like jumping towards him and grabbing him in an embrace type of thing! and when OC makes contact with the ruby, it activates, making all the probably hostile glitchy battle terrain or whatever dissipate, infinite stops being like.. idk lookin like he’s being electrocuted, and his mask fades away .. exposing Infinite as his true self once again

the in between the lines intent here, again since OC doesn’t talk, is that OC’s fantasy was to bring Infinite back so they could be together again. you’re welcome to interpret that as romantic, or platonic, it doesn’t matter! it’s open ended! it’s just supposed to be cute!

idk and then emotional stuff, I’m not entirely sure what it doesn’t really matter the idea is that Infinite is like, remorseful of what happened but everyone ofc forgives him because it’s not his fault , and then he joins up with with everyone to help fix the world! hmm I’m torn between Infinite keeping the true phantom ruby or giving it to the OC, like giving it to the OC makes sense, but for the sake of like, hypothetically bringing Infinite back in a future game and having special powers, it would be perfect if he kept it and that was his thing, he uses the power of virtual reality to help people and fight evil and whatever

I dont know I guess there’s not a lot of sense in thinking too hard since I just remembered none of this is canon whatsoever and we’re probably not seeing Infinite again unless as a stock evil thing to beat up like metal sonic 8′)

I have no idea who i wrote this for I guess myself! Idk if anyone else played forces or cares or w/e but! if you DO happen to be someone who read this and cares about it omg well like feel free to! comment and tell me what you think!!! this was all very stream of thought

#seth speaks #save tag #so i dont lose this in case i wanna come back to it

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shamaste · 4 years

Text

Some history lessons from a Dutch coach / shaman:

So, whats realy the case is about slavery, and when did it begon? First of all, it aint true what they told you about slavery, it's just because to make you feel bad about yourself, and also to make them feel better about themselves, over you. Making you feeling quilty. This is called: being a slave of the past. Sooo,...!

Lets take a look at this theme, a hot not so pleasant issue these days: slavery. Slavery, it has a long history. It excist much longer before the first Pharao ruled, it's started... With the early Egyptians whom needed work people. By concuring tribes, they've get tose slaves. So it was by warfare. That was 'the normal' in those days. And that will keeping on for millennia until now. And now: We humans, we have slaves. Yes, our slaves, our pets, cats, dogs, horses and more...! Only for our own pleasure, to fill a gap of.....? Having pets? It's for me also a form of slavery. I don't have any. I don't want them either. That's why. Its as a 'higher lifeform' uses a 'lower lifeform' for the need of something, that's missed, to forget, to make money with, to fill a gap. And a life is taken away from its natural habbitat. Just to obey you, for making you happy and even making money with them...! Get it?

Slavery, is old as humans exist and what is realy the case? People are sometimes also treated like pets. To serve a few. A small group gets better by having slaves. That's the case. Now, renew your view in this aspect and ask yourself: is that what i think i know the real truth? Truth.......: Its in the eye of the beholder, just like beauty is. Its a matter of perception. First: It's what you think, what is influenced by others. Therefore its not necessarily the thuth, so it seems.

The first victims of slavery were? Those were the white people. For at least 2500-1500 years, maybe longer! Greeks, Kelts and other people conquered by Romans, worked as house slaves. Everyone seems having slaves. The slaves were transported or to be shipped thru Europe and also Africa. Doing dirty labor, for the wealthy Romans, Arabs, in return for shelter, food, safety etc. Also by Africans, especially from the northern of Africa and Middle East: the Pharao's, Berbers, Arabs, Nubiers (black Pharao's) and other rulers, had their slaves too. When they are in war, with eachother... by conquering them. And mostly, those slaves came from the southern of Africa, and they were negros, very dark skinned and they called them: Lam Lam. The men who can't speak, with no house, meaning, culture etc..! They considdered them as a 'lower lifeform'. And still some do. About this they say: -the negro's- have inherited their slavery and it is therefore in their dna and passed on from generation to generation. "Once a slave always a slave!", they say. just like the castes in India. Once born in a lower vast, always in that. Thats still going, even in these days.

And those people from the North Africa, Middle Eastern still saying: cNegro's , they have inherited their slavery. Its in their blood, and its passed on, to be a slave" ...... so the say. That's racist. . So, is everyone who's a descendent from Africa by nature a slave? Thats cultural divided. Still it happends now in Africa, do you remember the war between 2 tribes, groups, between negro's, and their tribes: Hutu's against Tutsi's. That was then a real heavy clash. 10 Thousends of people died. And still they hate eachother, even now, still they do. Unwilling to forget the past. One tribe feels -because of the other tribe- a form of discrimination. A tribe was considdered by the other one as not... or at least entitled as 'lower humans'. They felt dicriminated by the others. Please note this: It's between by black people.

Thats the way it goes, or still goes on in Africa, for also thousands of years. Yes, even that its going on. A long time before white people came to that continent.

It happends long before white traders bought theirs slaves from them. Then a new wave was coming, to get or make new slaves. This time, because of religion. The moslims, who used black people as slaves, for spreading their believes and the word of the prophets, Allah. Or forced to go to war for them. Also long before 'the whites' had their slaves. Till the year 1200 - 1300, they used slaves. Everyone, who didn't had the same faith as they, didn't believe in Allah was considdered a enemy of them. They were an unbelievers, apostate and unclean. That was for the moslim the only reason, -in that time- a good reason to inslave people. Also the unclean white Christians. Crusader tours had their heydays at that time, heretics against heretics. Or other non-believers.

Slaves, especially those from early Europe, were chosen ..... -not because of their skin color-, but because of their cultural background. By rejection their way of living, or believes. Slavery was everywhere in those days. And it still is, even these days..

Knowing this, that the Africans, Muslims were the great motivators of slavery. Where lays now the confession of guilt?

Christians were well trafficked too and well earned as slaves, as hardworkers shipped to Baghdad, Cairo and Constantinople (now Istanbul) .. those nations, these city's, they trived on slaves. In those days was having a slave: status, prosperity, welth. Like a farmer having a big stock... of cows.

Jews also became a slave trading people. Welth? Is that seen as cultural. I think it. Rich nations develope a culture of welth. Welth created by slavetrades. Until the 14/15th century, only Black Slaves were shipped in Africa, between Middle Eastern Persia, north African and Turkey. 16 th Century.. its the beginning of the golden age im Europe, upcomming nations, Spain, the Dutch, England, Portugal... France. Looking to expand their kingdom. By conquering. War is everywhere in Europe, even in my country, Spanish, France. The Dutch was tryving. Rich, but a small country, but good in trading, they founded the VOC. 16th century. USA doesnt exist that time. Amsterdam was the capital. Means New Amsterdam something to you? Etc.

In ancient Rome were mostly European slaves, mostly white, from conquered countries. In Africa later there were Persians, Egyptians, Arabs, Berbers who shipped Nubiers, Ethiopians etc. They were sold as slaves, they've captured.

That was big busines, slavetrading. Slaves, they were used as war material. To spread the faith. To make money, to make a country welthy and great. Its wasn't about skincolour, but about healthy, muscles, for labour.

So ... A little review: Its a part of mankind for a few thousand years. Especially, later when the Muslims, tribes of North Africa and Middle East thought that they could make you slave as appropriate unbelievers, by different culture or believes. And therefore there were quite a lot of slaves those days, made and traded by them. A long time before white people got that same idea of getting slaves. Not a single white man to be seen.

Only from 16th Century, centuries later: the time those wealthy whites came to negotiate with these groups, black slavetraders, to buy the slaves from them. So, in those days......: slave trade, it was like investing in welth, thru people, they work, you urn it. Prosperity, expansion drift, money. Those days, that were the biggest motivators. Not because of the skin color. Some slaves were realy wanted, very popular and therefore very expensive to buy and they made a lot of money for traders. So what was realy the reason about about slavery? The prosperaty youre living in, was created by all the ancesters. All of us, blacks, whites, reds, yellow. Our biggest lessons is not te blame or making others feeling quilthy, because one cannot be achieved without the other. Prosperaty works both ways. Youve have to work for it, also for your own freedom. As i did for mine. If you are poor? Ask yourself this question: why is that? Is it your believing that it isnt for you? Because of your skin? Well look at Obama, he is Brown. But sees himself not as a victim. Do you?

Thats my history lesson this morning. Umbraise yourself.

That's how it begon and works.......Slavery. It is something else that a small group of people wants us to believe thats its the error of the whites, where black slavemasters sold them on the whites. So i think, It is something Cultural, based on faith and money. Not from skin color. When its skincolour the reason? Then its all about money, and the jalousy of having enough! Why should people plundering those stores? Not because of skincolour, the want that big screen tv , radio, expensive clothes they coulndt effort, so then steel it? Its a pitty to react that way.

Slavery has existed for as long as man has existed, from all over the world. Most of Africa itself., the beginning. This is my vision from a historical reality and what really happend in those days, point of view. But thats the past and we are here, the now, we are the future, not the past. Remember.

Good day.

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noobfics-btsblog · 6 years

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Rain

Pairing- min yoongi & reader

genre-fluff (in my opinion)

a/n- this is an excerpt of a fanfic im currently working on. i posted this to showcase my writing in hopes people would be interested in seeing the whole story in the future.

also, still working on the title

...I didnt know why i was so nervous, we were just friends after all. at least thats what i try to convince myself of, but in the back of my mind i knew the truth. im not sure how it happened-well, thats not true either-, i knew exactly when my feelings shifted from a place of pure lust...to something...a bit more.

it was some time last year. i was on my way out of the office and i noticed through the glass doors that it was raining outside. i knew it was on the forecast and i did have an umbrella, but i forgot it back in my studio. as i turned to retrieve my forgotten umbrella, i noticed something else- some one else- HER. She was leaning against the wall looking up at the sky, occasionally taking sips from the coffee she was holding, and...she was completely drenched. I walked over to the door not believing what i was seeing. why was she just standing there? i called out to her twice (barely poking my head out through the door) before she stirred from whatever deep thought she was in.

“what are you doing?”

“oh sorry sir! Did you need something?”. at that time she had only been working with us for a few months and i was the only one she still called “sir” or “Mr.” mostly because i never gave her the ok to refer to me otherwise..call it a kink i guess. At that time she had been assigned to be a sort of personal assistant to me, and her being the professional she was, was concerned i might have been roaming around the building looking for her.

“No you idiot! What are you doing out here?”. she was younger than me by a year and i had gotten used to talking to her the way i talk to the rest of my dongsaengs and, also like the rest of my dongsaengs, she got on my nerves sometimes.

“um..just..enjoying the rain...” her eyes darted around her for a second before looking back at me. As if it was so obvious and i was the stupid one for asking. i rolled my eyes and with a frustrated sigh i jogged over to her. she was a bit a ways from the entrance of the building so as i approached she she had a chance to return to her previous activity: leaning against the wall and contemplate the sky. i leaned on my shoulder against the wall next to her. i had my hands stuffed in my pockets and i coward and winced with each drop of water that hit me.

“what i meant was: WHY are you out here? Normal people usually “enjoy” the rain without actually being in it”. she smiled and answered without looking at me,

“you dont like the rain?”

“i dont like getting wet” i answered very matter of fact, “i dont mind the rain itself..its just water after all. but no, i dont enjoy being cold and wet like you seem to”. she didnt answer right away, so i followed her gaze. it was raining pretty intensely, it was like someone had turned on the shower head over the city of Seoul. but the sky she was so interested in was typical of a rainy day: thick grey clouds and nothing else. when she spoke again i jumped a little.

“The rain gets a bad rap sometimes doesnt it?” it wasnt really a question for me so i stayed silent and let her continue. “it floods, seeps into buildings, and when the right things come together perfectly...you get a storm...leaving destruction and chaos...destruction.” I remember she spoke low and slow, that was the longest she had ever spoken to me, and she had my full attention as i stared down at her. “and during those times, we forget that it also brings life. its because the destruction is in your face..you can see evidence of it immediately. but todays rain might be growing next months grass, trees, or flowers. maybe a puddle today helps relive the thirst of a few stray animals. maybe it fills drought threatened lakes and rivers. we need the rain.” Then and now, what she said reminded me of that one saying that goes something like: people only notice your mistakes. i reflect on that from time to time..

“ that still doesnt answer why youre willingly getting caught in the rain.” she smiled and ticked her eyes at me.

“i like it” she shrugged “people sun bathe all the time...just to feel the rays of the sun..i want to FEEL the rain.”

“its wet.. what else is there?” i was in fact interested. i had spent the last few months trying to figure her out and it was my first opportunity to find out what goes on in her mind..

“its not just the physical feeling..” she was annoyed then her usual tone with me..

“youve heard the saying ‘the calm before the storm’ its a real thing. the clouds start rolling in..they start thick and plush..and i dont really know how to describe it...its like world goes quiet. even when youre driving in it things seem more relaxed and quiet. and the smell..much better than the pollution and dust and whatever else we breath in all day long. but my favorite part is when it actually starts raining..” her words trailed off for moment “whats that thing called in music that helps keep the tempo?” i wasnt sure if she was really asking me or just talking to herself at that point. at that moment i wasnt sure if she even knew i was still there, but i answered anyway.

“metronome” she smiled at me

“metronome...thats what the rain sounds like. Did you know its sometimes used to hypnotize people- the metronome i mean- its supposed to help you concentrate on a particular rhythm and put you in like a sort of trance i guess. rain is like that.each drop of rain that falls against the concrete, or your window, or peoples umbrellas is like natures metronome putting you in a trance and clearing your mind of all the constant inner chatter.” her eyes had started to fade, growing distant, the way people do when they were thinking. in her case she was reliving a memory..

“there’s a powerful thing about sound and smells too that can bring up things in your mind you thought were left forgotten. like every time it rains and im in that “trance stage” i cant help but relive stuff from when i was young and-”

“you’re still young” i cut her off; she was only 23. she gave me a look

“when i was youngER” she corrected, “i guess what i mean is that feeling of being free. like when you're a child and you run around jumping in the puddles. getting muddy and dirty even though you knew your mom would get mad. you didn’t care because you were young and having fun.” she began to chuckle “and really anything can happen in the rain..and again sure, tragedy, like a car crash or whatever. but also a lot of wonderful moments...i mean thats why they put romantic rain scenes in movies right?” her eyes flashed me a glance..i swallowed. “and those scenes with teenagers sneaking out and getting into trouble and making bad decisions- actually there was this one time a few of us snuck into this apartment complex to hang out by the pool. it was a summer night and we were off school and we had a bunch of beer- one of my friends had a fake ID- and we just needed a place to drink where we wouldnt get caught and a friend suggested these old apartment complex he used to live in since he knew security was..well not good. anyway as the night went on, that ‘about to rain’ smell started to grown and all of a sudden it was pouring.” she smiled as her eyes started to grow distant, lost in the memory. “we all laughed and then one by one we started to jump into the pool fully clothed” she started to laugh again as was coming out of that memory. ”i think that was one of the best times i had with that group of friends. its like the rain had washed away all the..front..you know what i mean? like they each had their persona. what they want you to think they are like. always trying to pretend like they were something else. but when that rain came it washed away all the bullshit..sorry..” she flashed a worried glance at me and i waved it off. “anyway its like they were finally able to be themselves and just have fun instead of trying to act cool all the time. and the rest of the night we just had a ton of laughs and good conversation.” she paused for a moment and i waited patiently as i myself was taking in everything she had said. “i guess all i mean is, to me, rain is more than just water from the sky. its not just weather. its life. its beauty and growth and smiles and laughter. some bad times, some good times..and some good con..versations..” she had turned to look at me as she pronounced that last word, letting her voice fall to nearly a whisper. She looked..surprised...and she had stiffened. She looked guarded as she held her coffee tight with both hands. At first i couldnt figure out what had caused her sudden change in attitude. Then her eyes flicked between my eyes and...i wasnt sure what..something lower on my face? my lips? why was she looking at my lips?

That’s when she let out a staggered breath and the smell of her coffee hit me. i was suddenly aware of how close to her face i was. I’m not sure when, but at some point, i had begun to lean into her as she had me mesmerized. i swallowed hard, blinked a few times, and straightened myself out turning away from her awkwardly- but not before i caught a glimpse of her blushing, looking down at her coffee smiling. I couldn’t bring myself to do much else other than stand there fidgeting with my earring. After what seemed like the longest 2 seconds of my life passed, it was her who broke the silence.

“um..anyway, what are you doing out here sir?”. I turned to look at her, then down at myself, and i sighed as i let my head and shoulders drop. i hadn’t noticed until now, but i was as soaked as she was. i had a thin, black, long sleeve shirt that was clinging on to my skin and my jeans felt heavy with all the water they had soaked up. i went to rub my hair, my fringe was stuck to my forehead, it felt like i just got out the shower. i laughed a bit bitterly at myself. “what, what is it?” she asked. i looked at her and grinned.

“i was actually on my way out and saw it was raining...i was going to go back and get my umbrella but...” i let my sentence end there and just shrugged.

“oh...oohh..”As she started to realize it was her fault i didn’t need the umbrella anymore, we both started to laugh. “I’m sorry sir i didn’t mean to keep you..ugh now look at you” i waived off her worry and just shrugged again.

“it’s only a little rain. come on, I’ll walk you home.” she smiled and nodded.

I dont remember what all was said on that short walk to her place, what i do remember though was how i felt. before that moment, all i wanted to know about her was how she would feel when i touched her, what her lips would feel like against mine, i wanted to explore all her body had to offer. But suddenly things were different now. As we walked along-and in between catching the other starring- i started to think differently. i wanted to know more about her. i wanted to explore her MIND. This person who i always called dumb or an idiot actually had me wanting to know more. What did she think about music? would we like the same songs? Does she like MY music? And the fact that her opinion of me mattered was different in itself. I wanted to know her opinion of a lot of stuff. i wanted to know what made her mind tick. what makes her mad? what makes her sad? whats her favorite food? can i take her to eat it? what makes her happy? i hoped it could be me..

#yoongi x reader #yoongi fluff #yoongi fanfic #yoongi scenarios #bts fanfction #bts #bts suga #noobfics

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paulrfrank · 5 years

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Rage, Honesty and Time

Liam Neeson recently shared his racist response to a girlfriend's rape by a black man. It was a reprehensible response, as he walked the streets looking for a black man to engage him in a fight . . . so he could "kill him." What a vile, base, unconscionable perversion of justice that would have been, not only targeting the wrong person — but also perpetuating the cycle of tribal violence — one the worst features of our violent human heritage.

Liam has since been vilified for his disclosure — trending #1 around the world for a time for the wrong reasons — replete with calls to boycott all his work and effectively spit on anything he has touched. Yet I can't find peace with this response. I don't get what is being accomplished. The contemplated content of Liam's mental response defies humane description — but are those decades-old thoughts Liam?

If so, then I have a confession to make. I was on the short end of a romantic relationship, effectively replaced by another man. Philosophically, I was nearly a pacificist, but in my impassioned jealousy, I was ready to end life. And not just his, but, varying with the moment, mine, and possibly even hers. This deep, inappropriate, lethal response obsessed me — not for 10 days — but for well over a year. I would meditate for the benefit of all living beings, and break out of it in a rage. At one level I knew this was deeply wrong, but at another — living in Hawaii at the time — I moved to the island "they" lived on. I got as far as looking at firearms. I was continually playing a balancing act, in my better moments keeping myself far enough away that acting would be sufficiently laborious and time-consuming that I had a sizable buffer zone, but also never able to meaningfully remove myself really away from the situation.

It doesn't end there. I have since become aware that there are many more like me. Many, many more. I have talked to several others who had at one time or another have had their "rival" in their gunsights. And couldn't pull the trigger, . . . or at least they didn't. My malady was in no way unique. That brewing passion and seriously-contemplated murderous response bubbles up in a lot of male minds. And female minds also.

So if Liam is a villain, then so am I. And thousands of others. You have my confession. When you vilify Liam don't forget to vilify me also. . . . . . .

But maybe there is another way. In my earlier days, I once worked briefly in a group home for delinquent teens. There was one conversation I had with a social worker there that I have always remembered. Sometimes the kids in their anger tried to throw a snowball or other object at, say, their houseparent. In most cases the object would flail harmlessly through the air not coming near their target. But in others, the object was well aimed and targeted with force and precision. These were not equivalent actions, . . . or actors.

If Liam was really committed to engaging a black man in lethal combat he would have accomplished it. He could have easily triggered such an event. I don't doubt that at some level he was quite serious and that it was a dangerous time to engage him. But at another level, there was enough moral compass within him to not create those conditions. And if you are going to vilify that, you are going to vilify a substantial portion of your fellow humans — in Liam's and my cases, years removed from their mental triggering, that is, from their thought crimes.

Liam failed in one of the most fundamental duties of the conventional role of a man: Protecting his woman. The fallout was a blowup of everything that is good and just.

Liam answered questions about where he accessed in himself emotions for characters he portrayed. The specter raised by his response wanted a fuller response, one that goes beyond the mechanics of method acting, one I hope he gets the opportunity to provide. Our psyches cage some horrible beasts. They can be scary as hell in so many ways, and certainly not just or fair or reasonable. It is enough of a challenge to prosecute those who were not able to contain these beasts without demonizing those who mastered them.

Let me be clear. The impacts of racism are devastating to a substantial portion of the population. It goes well beyond a fair chance at jobs. The stress associated with racism wreaks a terrible toll on almost every aspect of mental and physical functioning — hypertension, heart disease, learning, job performance, and on and on and on. Stress has been called the "silent killer." If the cumulative impacts of racism were treated like physical assaults, we'd need to build more prisons.

But the reason racism exists in the first place is — if I may engage in some speculative anthropology — that it feeds into a time in human evolution when natural selection favored the winning tribe, when taking care of "your own community/group/tribe" was the winning strategy that passed on your genes to future humans. We have advanced enough as a civilization to allow the reflective part of our mind to take precedence over some of our baser impulses. Not permitting the surfacing of these thoughts — which is what I suggest the response to Liam's disclosure has been — is in itself a regression to these baser impulses of our ancestors.

We can do better.

______ Note: I have commented on what I read here and made no attempt to follow or update myself on this case. The bigger matter here for me in this comment is the moral case this initial presentation represents, though I do hope Liam Neeson gets a fair hearing.

#liam neeson

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thankyoumskobayashi · 5 years

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happy 10th anniversary to the day my dad found my cats on the side of the road

i have thought alot of times abt what id do if i met the person who left them there. probably punch that person for being a dumb jerk. but if it werent for them leaving blossom on the side of the road, my depression could easily have taken a turn for the worst during middle/high school. my floof merr has been my reason for living, even moreso than spite. now im at a place where im enjoying life a little and learning sorta how to be an adult. i'd probably thank whoever dropped my cats off but also punch them for being a jerk.

anyways, my point is that if you don't believe in yourself, or you hate your life, find something to live for. Anything, no matter how unimportant others may deem it. for me, my love for my cat and desire to make sure she's happy overrode my depressed thought. treatment was definitely a step in that, but if you can't find that find blogs abt coping with depression in everyday life and read as much as you can. after my diagnoses i read a lot from other people with depression anxiety and adhd. maybe this helps others too idk

rember too that change doesnt always happen right away either. we are constantly changing ourselves and reinventing ourselves, and it is exhausting to make the conscious choice, again and again, to be a better person. but it is a necessary one because otherwise society remains stagnant.

and stagnating things cause breakdowns and decay.

good luck in finding yourselves, and your companions throughout the journey of life. i may not be a psychologist but i can listen if you need someone to, and i can reblog that list of suicide hotlines bc your life is worth too much. im crying right now actually bc a kid in my hometown khs, probably due to not being believed over mental health issues. people "not believing in" mental illness gets me so fucking pissed off bc this shit matters! it's not little things that people complain abt, it's the small symptoms of a much larger, and much more malevolent whole which moves through the mind like a hurricant. it destroys so much of your functioning and leaves you struggling to swim in the productive direction against the current of a deeper and stronger force.

being ridiculously persistent, as adhd folks tend to be, is probably also another reason i'm here. i love my friends too much to ever let them suffer like that, so i'd hold on to the point of walking through hell and back. in that way i found the hyperfocus i wield like a double edged sword and honed the loyalty i have always developed. i love my old friends, and i love my new friends, and i'm just so goddamn happy to be having friends on this planet. i dont need a romance, because i love myself enough to not need one for validation. i think that having a relationship when you are not really into someone else as much as they are into you would feel very weird. kinda like early marina & the diamonds being in a relationship. i don't know.

why the hell am i telling you all this? because it is a stream of conscious and i am allowing you unfiltered access to my inner thoughts because these are the only thoughts i have had or will ever have at this moment at this time. and because people in the future may look back on them to see what is relevant to history. and in my case i will say that i hate donald trump, i had a great dream last night that he died of a heart attack, and they were debating whather to put his secondary prez as the next in line bc they expected p*nce to do such a horrible job too.

we need to help the environment and in order to do that we need to limit the pollution companies can create. everywhere. all across the globe. it would take huge efforts. the leaders would probably be assassinated anonymously by the ceos of huge megacorps which steal billions from the workers. we need to create huge amts of inertia, so how do we do that??? education.

we need to teach abt environmentalism. we need to teach it like it is a basic tenet of humanity to care about it, at levels that challenge & excite kids instead of bore them. this is my poetics and i guess im spelling it out now that im tipsy bc i havewords flowing from my mind. i have to go get my charger hold on. its an external battery pack that my overly controlling mother had me put in her purse this mornig. the song "hotline, hotline.... calling on the hotline to your love" has been stuck in my head for a lot of the day today and i hate it. today i was the magic carpet operator it was really cold. i hate the magic carpet for being so cold but there was a squad of 5 kids today who got a big kick out of riding the magic carpet to the top, then taking the stairs back down again. it wasnt malicious or anything it was fun and gave me smth to do other than stand coldly thinking abt how cold i was.

the woodstove hoever is very warm and i am tired and need to use the bathroom before i bring my cat upstairs to watch guardian & possibly even kamen rider kuuga before falling asleep. oh and dont forget to brush teeth before u pass out too. good night everyone. this is who i have found myself to be now. so, who are you?

#suicide tw #depression tw #personal writing #encouragement #this house has a Poetics #this house being me

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bountifulwitcharchive · 6 years

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I thought I would talk about stuff in my life a bit, especially considering I keep getting rattled by anxieties and taken a back by feeling as if I am hurting or harming someone.

As an adult I take it as my responsibility to make sure my actions are concise, I feel this is how any adult should ultimately be. Whether or not who I am as surefire as I am, hurts someone by accident. Whether it is that my opinion makes someone upset ; I want them to know I am not changing who I am yes. But that I do still care about them. If I fail to do this, then i feel as a person I have failed. Whether this is because of trauma in the past, or stuff that people from online communities made me feel. It does not matter, ultimately this is where I am at in my life.

My in real life is hard. I dont talk about it because I have, and the end result is always the same. This contorted feeling from others who dont know how to answer and feel uncomfortable themeslves. Knowing they cannot do anything, and my own discomfort that they cannot relate. Cannot understand. Cannot know what it means like -- I often hear ‘ Is it better today? ‘ Rather then, ‘ Are things stable today? ‘ I hate that people often feel my household is a place where things can be healed or feel better, that is not the case. My household works on whether things are stabled and held together vs Anyone having gotten BETTER. The job I am getting into now deals with this , and a reason why I applied for it was because I understand. I understand so much what this means and how people who do not have members of family who are disabled like this, dont understand. Every day is a struggle. It is a challenge, but it is so normal what I understand and come home to. However, simply because I am use to it and accept it does not make the stress of it any less then how heavy it is in my heart. Because ontop of my sister being disabled and us lucky that she is communicative. My mothers health is getting worse; in terms of worse she is getting old. And her poor choice of eating. Her inability to take care of herself and having to take care of another adult for themself--mind you for the rest of their lives. Takes a toll on her. And then my brother is getting worse, hes a smart boy where doctors are realizing he too is disabled. However, imagine being told you are disabled at 13 but consciously aware of what that means ( my sister ) and afraid of what you will become. Without going into details; if anyone in this household would kill themsleves it would be him. So ontop of hiding knives from my sister. We have to hide anything ( the surplus AND VARIETY of medicines my sister is on ) away from him. While also avoiding serious conversations of our home structure struggling as to not spike his anxieties. He will self harm like crazy. And its hard watching your little brother slam his head against the wall because he is overwhelmed by the world he was born into. I have many siblings, but my sister steph who is the only other person who lives with us does nothing for herself. I am sure she has issues her self but does not speak of it. And instead sits at home. Falling more and more into imo a depression that my mother just calls and berates her for being lazy for. I keep trying to push her to branch out but I can tell how this life effects her individually and that there is something there she doesnt wanna talk about. And I cannot reach in there to help. For my other side of the family, Where my stepmother who i discovered the other day doesnt realize or remember or care to understand that the reason i fell into depression at 18 was because of what she did . And now I have to compress my memories and ask myself if my abuse was real -- or is this another one of those ‘ Manipulators conviently forgetting to forget the abuse they did in the past to cling onto the future they have now. ‘ By all means fine, she is a mother and needs to focus on that, but for me. Who endures. And endures. Staring at someone who did nothing but break me into who I am today, and hear that she forgot. Or doesnt understand. Or doesnt know. Like to her the past was nothing, did hurt. But forgive we do because what else will you do in points in time --- people online think your own feelings are so valid that you need ruin the world around you to make it worse. But no. Sometimes. You need to accept things for what they are, and think that me in a situation where I cannot change things. Or amend if the issue is brought to light -- to focus on what I can. For my sisters. So I can see them. And for myself. So maybe one day in the future, that conversation can come to light. But for now, we deal with what life gives us and we move on.

That is why that job was too much for me? Nothing had order .everything was a mess. Nothing was put together well and often people blammed the lowly coworkers for the faults in the system if it meant they did not have to get introuble. Then we look as if we do not know what we are doing and exhaustion has hold of it. The system in place reminded me too much of abusive circumstances. I did not have a voice. My back was always in pain. My feet was always aching -- none of this mattered to them and none of anyones complaints ever reached them. They valued their own problems over everyone elses around them, and I understand everyone is dealing with so much but seeing management value their own complaints over others was horrible. Considering Iwent into this with such a promise. With so much of who I was feeling like the brightest light about to conquer something new--the last of my hope in life. Thinking I was gunna change my life .Change my world. Offer my family something better. Something knew. Only to find out the truth of that all; that the Manager coaxed the employees there who I was . Was to be horrible. To tell her what all the coworkers were doing. So she could write them all up and -- so with that purpose and picture in mind to them. They rallied together to put me on probation and everything that I was broken to tears, realizing that--trying hard to tell myself I mattered more then what people made me out to be. Because when I salvaged my self to befriend them all -- to at least face them and figure out why they did that to me. That this was my job life for a year and a half. Lmao? And did that I did, and learned so much about what went on I had... And overwhelmed by this picture of how they lived and treated each other. I wanted to leave. And left I did, but into a situation that was just far worse. Never in all the years of retail I have worked have I ever endured such hell like I had with these customers. And some of it I dont blame them, the store really made them feel this way especially when nothing was right. Nothing as good. And nothing worked. Regardless the complaints I had of this I was stressed and nothing I did and nothing I got from this job gave back to me. None of it but stress and being exhuasted and finding myself stripped of who I am. ANd I tried with my quiet feelings about myself, to say things. I would say “ No I am miserable. “ And say it so flatly and awkwardly to make a point, but everyone always made a joke about it despite how flat I would remain. And then compare, “Well at least you arent management.” Nothing I said got through to them, and I tried. I promise. I tried with attempts despite how hard it is for someone like me to open up.

So yes I left and the job I have now is not something that is easy, Nor do I expect that my stress to be any less. Rather that it pays more and I am with endurance to try something new that might offer me better future opportunities and worse comes to worse -- I find a new job.

Even as this all went on I made sure my life here was as easy for me to come to as it was. Imagine. Imagine.

Just imagine.

If I was truly enduring all of this . What about everyone else? I looked at everyone like this, I looked at what I went through day by day and thought -- What if they have it worse. If I have no heart and mind to talk about what really goes on in length in my irl day by day... What if someone else is just the same? It is not for me to ask. it is not for them to say.

I geniuely wanted to be at peace with everyone online, and if something went on that was so bad by their action. I truly believed; well you cant be as bad as my Step Mother or physically bad as my sister who I deal with day by day. That is to say, I have no interest in detailing my past.

Im pretty sure its obvious my past does paint my anxieties and issues with how I deal with things. Approach people day by day.

And its important for you to know that, to know that I am like you or anyone else. My desire to be positive and happy is to allow for you and everyone else to feel and be surrounded by positivity in life.

Life is really hard.

Hell, right now I am still going through more impersonal feelings while trying to dance my around all this going on. Because even as im nearing 27 -- almost 30 years old. I still realize things about myself, and it will hit me hard. The most recent and most eye opening realization that still rattles me and probably is the reason why. I feel flippant in my anxiety ; is realizing I gave 5 years to my life to someone who did not exist. This person went by the name Logan and roleplayed Snow from FF13. I realized ; I spent 5 years of my life giving myself to this person. This person who did not exist and catfished everyone around me. Including me. Making people believe I was obsessed with him. Making people believe that he didnt treat me as if the private things shared between us were most intimate. That I spent 5 years waiting for him. Giving myself to him. Being patient for him. Enduring anything he said and taking my feelings so that I revitalized the things I did. Said. And would approach and appreciate him more understandingly. So he didnt hurt me, or ignore me--that he took so much from me. Money. Drawings. My writing. So much of my attention and love. He took 5 years away from me that I could have given someone I actually was so in love with and still am. That acted mildly the same -- but actually had stuff going on-- I am and was so in love with that person. And All I could give him was consciously a year until everything that I felt with Logan came crashing down in remembrance. That I didnt even realize why I was really overwhelmed by it all until some how talking to a close friend of mine about everything really. Really hit me hard.

5 years.

I think.

5 years was stolen of me. 5 years of love. 5 years of who i was. 5 years of dedication. Of loyalty. Of patience. Of endurance.

I could have been a different and confident person who really believed in love and not riddled with anxieties that made me remember everything I put effort into didnt matter -- because this one person would make sure of reminding me what my actions would fall under.

Life is really hard, and day by day I still learn things about myself.

And I just think, if you are still reading this. That you too are going through this. And that someone you know is going through this. And that we are all going through so much of this or more. And I just hope you are alright and that you are hanging on there because I want you to know that I am trying to. Very hard. To live and I dont want you to give up either so please hang in there with me.

That is why when the group of people who often harass my community when they do not like someone.

Yes the same group every time.

Had finally had me in their sights its was overwhelming, I had thought wow -- this is what you ultimately came to understand from me? When I had tried hard to reach out to you. To be your friend. To consciously find a place where we can be together as people comfortable -- but no thats not the point I want to make.

It rattled me that it took people who knew nothing about me, to change the course of my environment just like that. I lost the hand full of people from that community I talked too . A friend I had been friends with since I was 17 . Simply because they were scared of being caught in that fire too. It was less about who I was, and more about them losing the safe haven they had. The fun group and comfort they had-- they did not want to lose that.

And I understand that. Im not mad at that, just concerned. Sad. And reeling in the fact that people can ultimately take things from each other with misplaced context. And the unfortunate circumstance that people will opt for this, instead of talking to one another.

So I am tired yes.

Because that happened, that whole thing happened while I as dealing with so much. And I had no answer for it. And that me talking about this is to tell you how effected I am by my life right now. And that it indeed upsurged my anxieties more uncomfortably so and not that that is bad or good. It merely is what it is.

And that as I am now, I am sorry. I am sorry and grievanced because I went backwards and am not as timely with things as I use to. I have been struggling to sleep, and when I wake up feel a sort of touched exhaustion that makes me feel like not getting out of bed.

I am sorry since I cannot roleplay things most often for others that I would love to explore. That my interests as of late have been : what would make me laugh to roleplay. What would make me feel wholesome to roleplay. What can i say to talk to others? What can I do to connect with others?

My mind and interests as of late is more about; making myself feel better and coping through what means I can through roleplay or just talking rather then. Having fun with my hobby like I had been the past few months.

This is why alike on Gawain, my compliant is coming online and constantly seeing him hash’d negatively. In truth I deal with negative things on a day to day basis... I did not want to have it follow me online. If I post about it, then clearly I have left myself open for those things.. But often I dont and am trying to mind my business and roleplay leisurely when things erupt.

I am really sorry, because ultimately, I failed as a friend and as a fellow roleplayer. My talking about it is to correlate the truth but also to let people know how I am as a person. Even still.

I feel sometimes people think you know, ‘ Oh hey Sheep just excuses things. ‘ Rather its just Im a different kind of person from a harsh road of life and I see things a lot differently.

For this I will explain with a more literal example,

Things that many people feel uncomfortable online. I myself cannot-- it is that merely I cannot. If someone is talking about something regarding their character that they were abused sexually and want to explore the meaning of this through roleplay. I do not find this insulting, I find myself glad. If people can find out what it means to have been sexually assaulted, maybe they can also connect with me too? And understand why its hard for me to expose my body ( or how overly okay I am to do so ) or how feeling /sexy/ can be a hard feeling for me to overcome. I often see people mistaking things or not handling it correctly, but I want it to be done rather then ignored. Or treated like it doesnt happen. For an adult, this is how I separate my reality from fiction. But find a connection from my reality into something fictious. Further, as an adult I want to help people understand that difference. It is very bad to feel gratified and pleased by subjects that are distasteful. But seeing it treated as if it cannot be spoken of discomforts me. This is a public place, but it is also a place where you control the content on your blog. By the end of the day, I will pick the things that will make me feel uncomfortable or wont make me uncomfortable.

With such a short example, I dont know if anyone read this far. I had hoped. And hope. These feelings can help others or really understand where I am with my life right now and how stressed out I really am. I cannot talk individually with people because I actually choke up. I have ADHD and often forget if I dont take it slow. And can get overstimulated by the fact that someone is merely listening/paying attention to me. I am quiet about myself because I dont like wide attention.

But that.

The past weeks I have had such support in my life.

And I am trying not to cry thinking about it, but I have such a healthy circle of friends and I would do anything to see it through that it lasts for years to come. Me speaking like this is because of this. Because of the comfort. Because of my desire to reach out and branch out comfortably. To remind ppl of my life, and to apologize for where I am not most prominent and may suck at show casing things for.

I probably will make a more positive post in the future about how everyone has helped me through so much -- like I am just a cup that is spilling about and everyone is trying hard to keep whatever is coming out from falling on the floor--s uch a silly analogy but really.

I am so thankful as much as I am apologetic.

Thank you guys for giving me a home where I most need it. It is why I want to be open and communicative. I want the place I come home to, that I enjoy and need to cope through things going on. To remain okay, to be alright, and that positive energy can still be shared.

And that I want to with all my heart, continue giving that positive energy to anyone around me the best that I can. With you understanding me as a person.

Thank you, if you have read this far. For taking the time to get to know me.

#.´ · ⋆ ❛ ᵗᵃᵏᵉˢ ᵃ ᶫᵒᶰᵍ ᵈʳᶦᶰᵏ ᵃᶰᵈ ᶜʳʸˢ ⥃ 🇴🇴🇨 ｡#tag: vent #I hope that ultimately people #see what I say -- and understand .#But also #that my feelings can be used as a platform in one way or another.#And that people know you are not alone and that I am also going through so much.

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lumiereswig · 6 years

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Please do the ENTIRETY of Forgotten! Hahaha I’m joking, pick your favorite part because that fic is v long 😍

happily, this gonna get l o n g

“The ball was flawless. In the garden, the roses continued to reach to the sky, and the storm brushed away; the lights shut off in the palace, one by one, and the music faded to silence. The prince went to bed with one or two or three pretty women he wouldn’t care for by the next day. Up in his room, Lumiere popped open a bottle of champagne.”

I set the opening to take place almost immediately after “Lit By The Sun,” though this time showing the evening Lumiere and Plumette never got—the stolen croquembouche up in their bedroom, the sharing of champagne among the servants. In the original timeline, obvs they didn’t get that—they got fire and feathers instead—but yeah. I am totally alluding to my own goddamn fics.

Plumette, lighting the candles by the bed, grinned at him over the flames. He laughed and raised his glass.

It’s not a lumiereswig post if there’s not a fucking fire reference.

“He’s turning just like his father—the prince’s father was like this, too,” Mrs. Potts explains to the musicians, who know nothing about the palace or its politics. They nod and move closer to each other on the bed. “We don’t know what he’d do without us. He’ll be fine, though; we try not to intervene. D’you only have wine up here, Lumiere? I could use a cup of tea.”

Foreshadowing of future bullshit, and also reminding the readers that Garderobe and Cadenza WERE NOT PART OF THIS PALACE-POLITICS SHIT. They did not deserve to be cursed!! fuck you agathe!!!! #justiceforgarderenza2k18

“If you cannot take a little sparkling wine, get yourself to bed, grandmother,” laughs Lumiere, and she swipes at his arms and makes him laugh. He eases into a seat between Cogsworth and Plumette and throws his arms around them.

Really trying to remind everyone how fucking close the staff is. The fam. Also, fuck you bill condon for not letting lumiere hug cogsworth every .3 seconds

“Think how long it has been!” he says. “Forty years for you, Cogsworth, but most of my life for mine. Why, I came here as a teenager—imagine me, only a little older than Chip! Fresh out of Paris and still reeking of the apothecary shop.” He grimaces, thinking of his father’s dusty store in a side-street of the city. He had fled, then, looking for the glamor his missed; in his room in Paris he had practiced dance steps, reveled in fashion, adopted the graceful movements of the court as rebellion against the bourgeois facts of an ordinary existence. He had come to this palace, and he had lit into life; dancing and feasting and glowing like gold made Lumiere’s heart sing.

EYYYY IT’S A HEADCANON I TOTALLY MADE UP

but tbh it makes sense to me (and has always made sense to me) that for all his glamor-gold, courtiers-and-candelabras bullshit, lumiere is not from an upper crust background. he’s too extra to have been born to it. That level of golden eyeliner and tequila has to be aspired to.

“We met in this palace, do you remember, mon trésor?” Plumette is close in his arms; her scent—fresh and light, like candy and macarons—right beside him. “I was only fourteen, and I loved you right away.”

“I loved you before I met you,” murmurs Lumiere. “I could never forget.”

Lots more foreshadowing, and also backshadowing. Gotta remind the idiots in the audience which motherfuckers in this story are in love.

The next day is their day off. It is their one day off in the year.

honestly this makes no sense (one day off a year???) but it’s adam. pre-curse adam. i can write him to get away with pretty much any bullshit and be like “””*shrug* uhhh he’s a beast, dudes, of course he banned puppies and kittens from the palace and hates daisies and sunshine”“

also tbh i hate the whole adam dialogue sequence, it’s really badly written

Adam stands in the lonely, empty halls. If he stands in the tower, he can see them weaving their way through the forest and down to the village, to spend their day in the company of each other, in Lumiere and Plumette’s case, or with loved ones, in the case of Mrs. Potts. No matter what, all the servants have each other. And Adam has nobody.

casual evermore references whenever we can’t get in a flame pun

….after all, at least when he yelled they looked at him.

someone told me this line broke them and i am forever pleased. yes mofos!!! relish my very slipshod, mostly shite grasp of the english language!!!!! revel in my poor grasp of human psychology!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Lumiere! The night grows old.”

The crone grows young.

to make up for the shit in the previous chapter, I really enjoy this bit. the whole bashing-between-the-palace-and-the-village nonsense just makes me happy.

Belle wakes up to a jolt in the road, and the rough wool blanket on her face, and the smell of cheese and paint and horse and wind clinging to her skin. She rubs her eyes and tries to wipe away the sleep. They’re in the wagon, again, and Maurice is hunched up in the bench, encouraging Philippe to trot faster. The contents of Belle’s entire life are jammed in around her, a moving nest of drawings and gear-boxes and packets of cabbage-seed.

aaand we’re with belle. I had to rewrite this chapter about five million times because it wasn’t working—I had planned it out too much in advance, you know, and was just like regurgitating the writing rather than writing it—but I’m happy with the textural detail of this bit. Again, sometimes it pays to use the words around what you’re going for rather than the literal sensation; in this case, cheese and paint and horse and wind, and that rough wool blanket. Home, but also chill, and travel, and being uncomfortable, and the 18th century equivalent of going on a road trip and eating crackers in the backseat while dad’s up front and the crackers making the seat all gritty and reading books in the light of the passing streetlamps, ya feel?

Lilles, Reims, Amiens

i don’t understand french geography

A tiny, delicate gesture from his long fingers; it is a surprisingly sophisticated movement for a man in a yellow peasant’s vest, with candle wax creased in the dirt between his fingernails.

this whole chapter is slightly hard to read because it’s clearly trying too hard, but i hope i got across (or at least, whacked you across the forehead with) the bits i felt were important: lumiere’s current emptiness, but the last imprints of who he ought to be hanging around. i also tend to mention the peasant’s vest too many fucking times, just because the image of lumiere wearing anything that’s not satin & silk is fucking devestating. also, it will be important later, and i need yall to remember that LUMIERE DOESNT LOOK LIKE HE NORMALLY LOOKS

“I am nothing now,” says the man, in a flash of vehemence so sharp it is like seeing a flame in the middle of the forest. He looks up to her—his face broad, and white; and it is an empty face, and beyond the fire in his words there is nothing there at all. It is as if someone washed out all his color, and left him only with his yellow vest.

you can tell, again, this is a lumiereswig fic because suddenly the language is all about fires and flashing and flickers and flames and there’s probably going to be a reference to the sun fucking setting at some point

also, honestly, this was hard to write because i was seeing it as a fucking movie in my head, and transcribing ‘ewan mcgregor lies on a village stoop looking fucking dismal’ is not what literary writing is made of

He welcomes her to the stoop with the flick of a wrist and a tiny nod with the pipe,

just to remind everyone once a-fucking-gain, Lumiere Is Not Normal, And You Can Tell Because He’s Not Being Very Welcoming. like honestly if you don’t say hello by doing a song and dance what the fuck are you doing

“I knew someone once who treasured books that way as well,” he says, and a smile drifts across his face, homeless. Something in him is sparking up at the story: dim, and faint, but laughing. “He once made me read the whole Odyssey—”

ok yes thank god the fic is finally getting good again

Sorceresses turning people to pigs, and the lily-eaters forgetting their homes, and Penelope undoing the days until her husband returns

ON. THE FUCKING. NOSE

also if i make a literary reference in a fic i am almost 100% of the time trying to make an obvious as fuck connection between the two

Deeply, deeply frightened. Not of the man on the stoop—she has never seen anyone more harmless, to be quite honest; he is such an empty man, with such silent, lifeless limbs—but of the thing inside his eyes when he speaks of his past. It is Other—a thing not rooted in a Parisian background, or the empty face, or the subdued soul. It is a large streak of gray inside the man’s blue eyes, a gray empty and unnatural and as hollow as cold ice. Staring at his eyes, Belle finds herself clutching her arms with fear.

ahhhh fuck subtlty has gone totally out the window. yall are kind and see what i was going for, but i swear this could be better done if i knew shit

It is obvious to Belle that this is a practiced ritual, the sharing of the secret wine.

in retrospect this fic would be sadder if cogsworth or lumiere weren’t friends, but uhh…i just couldnt bring myself to it.

“Oh là là, he acts as if the French accent is difficult,” says Lumiere, puffing smoke….

LIKE YOU CAN SPEAK FRENCH ANYWAY, YOU SCOTTISH DIPSHIT.

“Get off my stoop!” yells the woman. “D’you have wine down there, Lumiere?“

“If you cannot take a little cheap wine, get yourself to bed, grandmother,” calls Lumiere.

and that’s called taking yourself too seriously and referencing your own fic from a few chapters ago

“Mrs. Potts, the crockery-man’s wife,” says Lumiere, and takes a large gulp of the wine. “I barely know her. Thank God.”

PROBABLY THE BEST LINE IN THIS FIC SO FAR. fucking love the simplicity that does so much more than every labored reference to emtpy fucking limbs or colorless eyes beforehands. one simple line and we’re all fucking realizing THE EXTENT OF ALL THIS SHIT

i gotta head off now but i’ll do the rest later tonight

[send me one of my fics (or a bit from a fic) and i’ll do director’s commentary on it—ask here]

#asks #forgotten #batb fanfic

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