#dad wouldn’t allow it so therefore it’s impossible and even the act of wanting it would be betraying dad

[fuckspn]

wrote a whole long post about dean’s relationship to his queerness and then deleted it because i couldn’t put it better than: there is a word i know. but i can’t say it. i can’t think it. i’ll just keep drawing horses

#like as a teenager/young adult/probably through most of the series #i truly don’t think dean actually conceptualized himself as a queer person #it wasn’t that he didn’t notice that he was attracted to men #it was just that even though he knew that was what he was experiencing he refused to let himself think of it in those terms #thinking about kissing boys would be like thinking about getting to attend the same school for an entire year: #dad wouldn’t allow it so therefore it’s impossible and even the act of wanting it would be betraying dad #and so dean calls men buddy and brother and calls himself straight #and only a tiny voice in the very back of his mind even registers it as a lie #HOWEVER because this post is so bleak here’s a reminder that he does make peace with his sexuality eventually!!! #we are three years post-canon he is out to all his loved ones and has gay sex with his husband several times a week!!

[gagmebucky]

Hi, I just really wanted to rant about something and I don’t really want to talk about it with anyone I know irl so…

My dad is just a normal guy in every sense of the word, good and bad. One thing that’s bothered me for a while now is how I recognized he talks to my mom and while it’s not degrading, it’s just entitled and annoying.

Since my brother and I were born, she quit her job to take care of us so he’s been the one primarily earning money. This arrangement hasn’t put our family in any type of financial jeopardy at all, we live in a nice house in a nice area and his job combined with the money he makes from his previous service in the military makes him around 150k a year. One thing I’d like to note is that he works a normal 8 to 5 job. But for a year or so the majority of his company has switched to a12 hours day so they get a three day weekend every week.

Now I know you may be wondering what money has to do with any of this and I promise that I’ll get to that part I’m just really angry and need to get this all off of my chest.

Anyways, my mom started working again 2-3 years ago at his request and now she works AND does all the stereotypical motherly things (cooks dinner, cleans, any other odd jobs that need to be done around the house)

All the while my mom has been doing this, my dad does his 12 hour days (including lunch in those 12 hours) and he’s allowed to take 10 minute breaks and most often times watch tv in the background while he’s working (he’s been working from home since COVID and doesn’t have any plans to go back since his job is mostly on the computer anyways other than a couple in-person meetings a month)

After my dad is done with work, he basically retires for the night and just watches tv while waiting for mom to serve him whatever food or leftovers she’s put on a plate for him.

Now, I get to the current issue.

My mom doesn’t ask for much or even anything from him in terms of helping her. But there are just some things that make me angry when he says them.

In the past couple of weeks for pretty much the 1st consistent time since March, my dad started walking and exercising again which he does outside or in the garage. My father has naturally oily skin, and even if he didn’t, he is exercising so his skin will be sticky and sweaty! RIGHT!?!?!

However when my mom brought it up a couple days ago she didn’t even say what we both were thinking which was YOU STINK AND ARE THEREFORE MAKING THE HOUSE STINK!!!

Instead, she politely asked if he would take a shower since he worked out and specificied that she was telling him this out of love without even mentioning him stinking up the house or more specifically the kitchen that he was in.

Instead of understanding that exercise makes you sweat and sweat makes you smell, he snarkelly shot back, that he had something to tell her out of love too. And although he trailed off with a cocky laugh, the context of the situation and his numerous past suggestions obviously implied that he was talking about my mom’s weight.

I would like to specify that my mother is not obese or unhealthy, in fact she eats considerably less junk food than he does. And even if she was, it did not prompt my dad making that “joke”.

Now fast forward a few minutes, my mom and I left to go grocery shopping for the food she would make for him without him even having to lift a finger. She ranted to me that him needing to take a shower had nothing to do with her weight. From what she was saying I could tell that she wasn’t that angry about what he said about her weight, but more so about him deflecting the conversation from his smellyness to her (which is something he does often so he doesn’t look like the “bad guy”)

Now to today, my father once again “joked” with my mom when asked if he would honestly like to help her blow dry her hair (I say honestly because she wanted his honest opinion on whether he would like to do it or not, and it was something she never really needs help with but she wanted to spend time with him) he said that he needs to consult the “guy’s handbook” to figure out if that was a trick question. (My father is 55 years old and they’ve been married for 30 something years)

I’m sure there’s a psychological reason why I got so angry at him but I’m not going to settle that I was once again tired that he treated my mom like crap despite her doing everything for him. So I told him that my mom was being serious and it wasn’t a trick question.

I (kinda) knew that he knew this, and was trying to make a joke. But explaining it was my version of the whole “I don’t understand your ‘joke’ please explain it to me” in an attempt to discourage him from making it again.

But in an event that I would have seen coming if I wasn’t so angry, it didn’t work and he instead got mad at me. Recognizing that I could have handled the situation better, I just apologized however I was crying because of his rant that I wasn’t a part of the conversation and shouldn’t have stepped in . (I normally wouldn’t be so sensitive but for some reason it’s like everytime I have a family argument it’s that time of the month so I’m emotionally sensitive)

I retreated back into my room and apparently I wasn’t crying as quietly as I thought I was because be he then knocked on my door, then demanded that I come out and “spend time with him” so he could know what was wrong.

Now, I thought this was code for I’m going to apologize, but no… he literally didn’t understand that his words hurt my feelings and demanded that I tell him what was “really” wrong as if him yelling at me wasn’t a good enough reason to be crying.

After curtly telling him what was wrong in so many words as to not offend him further. He dryly apologized before defending himself and saying that it wasn’t his fault that I got angry and he was just trying to make a joke that he insisted would apparently be funny if I didn’t cut in. Then he dryly promised that he would try to treat my mother nicer and not make as many “jokes” because he can tell how much it affects me.

There is probably more to the story that I forgot to leave out. And I kinda want to know if I’m in the wrong in the situation or not. And reading back over this i am definitely biased but if you can manage to remove the emotion from my words then those are honestly the facts about what happened.

I recognize that I am selfish, he actually told me that one, but looking back over my life I know that I have been rude when “defending” my mom. I put it in quotations because my mom doesn’t need defending and she is more than capable to speaking up when there’s a big problem.

But I just get annoyed at people when they rudely deny her some of the smaller things she requests like help blow drying her hair and things she won’t insist on them helping on. I’d understand if kindly said no thanks or I can’t do it right now, but he just had to joke about it and be curt in his response for no reason.

All in all I’m just so angry that it is impossible for him to acknowledge what he did wrong without defending that actions that make someone sad or angry in the first place.

But anyways, I am extremely sorry for the rant and writing so much and I honestly don’t blame you if you didn’t even read all of this. I just wanted to tell someone and I love how your blog is so open and judgement free and you don’t act like you have all the answers of what is right or wrong but you just give your opinion and help when you can. Thanks so much for listening (reading, really) and I appreciate you so much!

baby, you didn’t do ANYTHING wrong. you are the opposite of selfish — your dad was being a fucking dick to your mom and you stood up for her. you had every right to be angry, and if i were you, i would’ve said some low blow, disrespectful, kick-me-out-of-the-house ass shit.

i think (respectfully) you’re over analyzing yourself to find fault in yourself when it isn’t really there in my opinion. he’s complaining that you’re rude when he was the rude one and you literally just defending your mom. being rude is like “you stinky piece of shit, im gonna fucking drown you in bleach and lets see you make another fuckin comment BITCH”

but you did not do that therefore his argument is invalid. i can only say so much because it’s you in the thick of it but it definitely seems like your dad’s arrogant and entitled personality is so overbearing that it makes you be harder on yourself than you should be. i think, legally, you should get hit him once with a bat, non lethally of course (unless….. haha…?). i just know personally dealing with that personality type can create a LOT of contained anger.

anyway, im rly sorry you have to deal w him. i feel like you have a lot of weight on your shoulders and you seem so sweet and nice and you do not deserve to have to give your energy to that :(

#i would’ve said some vile things i wouldve said things that would make him disown me #i would poured a little rat posion in his drink just enough to make him sick not to like kill yknow #if it isn’t clear I… I have a lot of violent feelings and am a little… insane #ILU AND IM SORRY U HAD TO DEAL W THAT #q answers

[luverofralts]

Post Arkhelios

She had put on a positive face for Abe, but internally Ulyssa was extremely conflicted about her feelings for Roman. She knew that he legitimately cared about Abe, but also knew how self absorbed Roman could be. It was the Bellamy way to act like they were above everyone else and Roman had learned a lot from his grandfather. It seemed like Abe was the only person able to cut through the Bellamy brainwashing and get Roman to feel. In the corner of her mind, Ulyssa wondered how Roman would have treated the situation if she had gotten pregnant from their brief affair or if he’d ever been able to seduce her idiot brother. Probably even worse than this, if she was being honest with herself.

Her feelings towards Roman were always in flux because of the huge wall that he put up between him and the world. She was never sure if she actually liked Roman or was attracted to him, or felt pity for him, or if she secretly enjoyed their little arguments. Maybe Abe could help bring that wall down permanently one day, or at the very least, keep Roman from pissing people off so frequently.

Ulyssa left an hour later, after making sure Abe was in an okay place about his boyfriend. If she wasn’t sure about her feelings about Roman, she at least was starting to see Abe and Lucy as friends because of all of this. In a place like Arkhelios, teen friendships seemed to be rare, and however this all ended, Ulyssa was glad that she had gotten to better know the Chuns. Between this secret, and their parents running off together, she knew that if she needed support, she could actually find some back in Arkhelios.

Abe had gone to bed immediately after Ulyssa left, if only to have some time for himself away from Lucy’s over protectiveness. His mind was swirling with thoughts and feelings that he needed to process by himself without her open anger at Roman. To be honest though, he was starting to feel influenced by her remarks. Maybe Roman wasn’t coming back after all. Maybe he would return to school, and only see his family over school breaks.

An even worse feeling came over him suddenly. What if he brought home someone else from Pleasantview? Even if it had been arranged by his grandfather without Roman’s input, Abe wasn’t sure that he could live in an Arkhelios where Roman was engaged to some rich sim and forgot about all about him. He knew Lucy thought about this possibility all the time, and it had been Roman’s mission to bring new people here by any means necessary....

Abe buried his head in his pillow and groaned. This was a line of thought for tomorrow, when he didn’t feel so hopeless.

His bedroom door squeaked open, and Abe figured that it was just Lucy checking on him again. He turned on his side and pretended to be asleep, so she wouldn’t stay to make even more pitying remarks about Roman’s intentions.

“Abe? Are you awake?”

Abe bolted up quickly in his bed. He’d know that voice anywhere!

“Roman! You’re here! I can’t believe it!”

Against all odds, Roman was actually standing in Abe’s bedroom. Unless this was some kind of magical hallucination or trick, Abe had been right about Roman’s feelings for him.

Roman looked awkwardly at his feet.

“....Hi. How are you?” Roman cursed himself internally for being so awkward. It was just Abe after all. Still, it felt weird to talk to him now without bringing up the elephant in the room.

“Lucy was convinced that you were half-way to Veronaville by now.”

Roman flushed furiously. Neither teen moved for fear of spooking the other one. Abe could feel the tension in the room like it was physically pressing on him.

“I just needed some time,” Roman said. “I shouldn’t have run...but I’m here now. I want to be there for you...if you still want me to be.”

The tension began to ease. Abe quickly crossed the distance between them and grabbed Roman’s hands, placing them on his ever expanding stomach.

“Of course I still want you here!” he said fiercely. “It’s all I’ve been wanting since I found out about this...situation.”

The two teens sat on the floor and looked at the ground. Neither one seemed to know what to say. Roman reached for Abe’s hand, which caused Abe to jump and Roman quickly withdrew his own hand. Touching each other was what had caused this situation in the first place, and Abe still had Lucy’s warnings ringing in his head. Maybe if Roman had come immediately things would have been fine, but Abe had been freaking out alone for days now, and there was still awkwardness between them. Roman cleared his throat.

“H-how have things been?”

“The morning sickness has gotten a lot better, thank god,” Abe replied, and Roman nodded sympathetically.

“That sounds rough.” He made and held eye contact with Abe. “I’m sorry that I took so long to get here. I...I’m sorry that I put you in this position to start with. I never intended for this to happen.”

Abe reached for his hand without hesitation this time.

“I know,” he said. “Neither did I. It’s been kind of a roller coaster of feelings the past few days.”

“My uncle Hunter is adopted,” Roman blurted out suddenly. “His dad was Launce Durant, and my grandparents adopted him.”

Abe realized where this conversation was heading, and he was glad that Roman brought it up first. He had heard the Durants talking about their long lost half-brother before, and everyone wondered who Hunter’s other parent had been. Abe’s mom used to date Launce, but everyone knew how Launce’s life had spiraled out of control when his brother Benvolio died. Any one could be Hunter’s mother or father. Elaine had certainly not commented on Hunter’s origins, and Abe figured that if he had a half-brother out there, she would have probably mentioned it by now.

“When I worked at the orphanage, the kids seemed pretty happy,” Roman continued, playing absentmindedly with his shoelaces. “Some of them got adopted really quickly. I don’t think anyone here would know if...if we went there.”

Tears were starting to well up for both teens. Abe nodded and wiped his eyes.

“Yeah, no one would know,” he repeated sadly. “Maybe that’s best. Hunter seems really happy, and Launce sees him all the time now.”

Abe crawled back into his bed, and Roman mindlessly followed. Abe wrapped himself around Roman and tried not to cry.

“Roman? I don’t want to be like Launce,” he whispered. “Stay with me? We can figure this out together. What’s the difference of our families finding out about us now instead of when we’re in college? It’s only a few years.”

Roman froze momentarily, remembering his grandfather’s anger at the idea of him even talking to the Chuns, and the disappointment of his grandmother for not heeding her warnings about him following his hormones. He thought of how intensely Elaine watched him while he was near Abe, and what Lucy and Ulyssa surely thought of him by now.

He pulled Abe in closer to him.

“Okay,” he vowed. “We’ll do this together. Who cares about who knows.”

Elaine left for work early in the morning, blissfully unaware of the teenage drama brewing in her house. Oriana had pressing business at the bank for Abraham’s estate, and hitched a ride downtown with her wife, leaving the house in Ironman’s control. He had been acting a little dodgy lately when she talked about the kids, but she chalked it up to him readjusting to having Elaine back in his life, and getting to know the kids he had never seen because of Elaine and Abraham’s fighting.

Ironman purposely started his house cleaning away from the noisy kitchen, where he could hear Lucy shouting. Better to have plausible deniability and not check into that, he decided. He wasn’t sure to what extent his programming would allow him to keep information from his partner, so knowing nothing was probably the safer route. He felt that Oriana and Elaine would have more compassion than Abraham had shown for Elaine all those years ago, but he didn’t want to risk history repeating itself.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Lucy was shouting presumably at some one who didn’t normally live there, and was therefore a part of this messy situation. Ironman made himself scarce before he found out more.

Jorah had come over to walk to school with Lucy like he usually did, and was currently holding her back from attacking Roman.

“It’s romantic, he sighed dreamily. “Two people from fighting families falling in love and running off to start a life together....”

Finding Roman making pancakes for her brother was the last thing Lucy had expected to see that morning. The fact that they were acting so weirdly in love, and holding each other like they had planned this whole mess...It was impossible to stomach. Roman abandoned Abe for days and now here he was making a mess of the kitchen and spouting off syrupy declarations of love to her idiot brother.

“Jorah you can’t be buying this,” she groaned. “This is ridiculous! This isn’t a Veronaville soap opera, it’s real life and you two are about to ruin both of yours. Don’t let Roman drag you down like this Abe. He may have hit rock bottom, but you still have a future!”

“I haven’t hit rock bottom,” Roman corrected while flipping pancakes. “Dropping out of school means that I have time to be a dad now, and I can make breakfast for Abe every day.”

“Dropping out? You are being expelled,” Lucy corrected angrily. “And you have no money, no job and now no education. Where are you going to live? How are you going to pay for things like diapers and you know, basic things like food?”

Abe poked at his pancakes nervously.

“Well, Mom might let us stay,” he said. “Or the Bellamys. I’m sure they’d understand, and want to help raise their grandkid.”

“You think Mom is going to let Roman Bellamy live in our house? You think the Bellamys won’t just kick you to the curb? Look at how they’ve treated Adam his whole life. Look at how they’re treating him and Omar now!”

“But this would be different,” Abe protested. “Our families could come together now and be happy. Romeo and Juliet’s love always ends the fighting in the stories.”

Lucy just stared at her brother, unable to comprehend his line of thinking.

“No, you know what brings Romeo and Juliet’s families together? Death and lots of it.” She pointed at Abe with intensity. “If you decide to bring this idiot to Mom or walk into Salem Bellamy’s house with a baby, that’s all you will get too. If you are really serious about ruining your life, then go anywhere but here with Roman. Go to Pleasantview. Go live out your stupid fantasy in Veronaville. Just leave before you become yet another unsolved murder here.”

Lucy stood up dramatically, dragging an open mouthed Jorah with her.

“Some of us still have school to attend.”

#ts2 #sims 2 #arkhelios #post arkhelios #Roman Bellamy #Abe chun #lucy chun #sorry for the novel #minor arkhelios spoilers #sims 2 pictures

[dl-oblivion]

What type of dads would the s boys (minus Subaru) + kino be? I really liked the last one!

I don’t write for Kino, I’m sorry. I’m glad you liked the last one, anybody that hasn’t read it, can find it here. (If you want me to go into better detail with any of them, just send in a ask specifying so.)

Shu:

- Shu would be a super lazy, and chill dad. Parenting is foreign to him, but somehow it comes a little easier to the vampire than the rest of his brothers. He doesn’t find it tedious to spend time with his kids. The only things he hates dealing with are the tantrums, diaper changes, and exhaustion that comes with being a full time parent. Bro ngl, if his kid was extremely energetic, he’d get a leash.

- He only wants to indulge in the positive things that come with being a parent, which means he often plays good cop. You will never find him yelling at his kid unless he has to, especially if they’re a girl. Shu just wants to play with his child, take naps with them, and give them sweets. Just because he’s nice, doesn’t mean he’d be pushover though.

- Parenting may come a little easier to him, but that doesn’t mean he’s perfect. He’d still make a lot of mistakes, but as time goes on, become wiser. His biggest flaw is being an absent father. His child might find them being shooed away, or ignored. He tries to seem like he’s present, but sometimes he just can’t be bothered. Old habits die hard. (His kid can take advantage of this, and ask for things he wouldn’t normally say yes to when he’s paying attention. (“Can I go to this party?” “Sure whatever”)

Reiji:

- A strict, and domineering father is what I would describe Reiji as. Similar to Ruki, but more cold. It’s not that he doesn’t love them, but he almost projects his childhood experiences onto them. The vampire would only want one child, but if he ended up having multiple, he’d be just as strict with all of them. Not favoring the eldest, but perhaps expecting the most from them.

- Reiji makes them prioritize education, and from a very young age, teaches manners. He expects his offspring to be obedient, but smart enough to make wise decisions. As they got older, there would be this overwhelming pressure to be perfect from him. Ironically the vampire would be similar to his mother, and might end up making another Shu. With a good partner, hopefully this wouldn’t be the case.

- He’s overbearingly uptight, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t die for his kid(s). He has his soft moments. Examples being: teaching his kids how to read, cook, and do experiments. I can totally see the guy bringing his child to witness reactions to certain chemicals. Maybe even setting up one of those crazy foam experiments when he feels like it.

Ayato:

- Ayato would be a an overwhelming, but fun dad. During the beginning of parenthood, he’d be beaming with happiness. Literally playing with them every chance he gets, sometimes dangerously so. Ayato would totally do things like throw them 10 feet up in the air, or into a pool when they’re an infant. (Up until 6 months, infants have this survival mechanism that allows them to float when submerged in water)

- This is kind of apparent but he’d want his child to be the best, therefore putting immense pressure onto them. Unlike Reiji, he’d pressure them to be the best physically, not caring the most about intelligence. He’d definitely be one of those dads that would raise a jock, and get angry if they did bad in any said sport. If his child turns out to be the more intelligent, or creative type, there would be quite a bit of conflict.

- The vampire would be super possessive of his family. When he starts out as a dad, he almost always has his kid strapped to his chest. As they grow up, he tells them to hold his hand when they go out in public. If they tell him it’s embarrassing he’d be like ??? Why wouldn’t you want to hold his hand as a 13 year old, you’re still his little girl/boy.

Laito:

- Laito is difficult to read on what kind of father he’d be. I believe he’d be demeaning, but also pretty playful, and chill. Example of him being demeaning: His kid comes up to him with a problem, instead of comforting/guiding them, he belittles the issue. He’s just gone through so much shit, that repressing/running away from problems has become his norm, and projects this unintentionally onto his child.

- He’d be playful/chill in a sense that he wouldn’t stress out about parenthood, and sometimes encourage rebellious/bad behavior. If his kid wants to paint the walls using his moms makeup, he’d probably join them. His kid is having sex earlier than they should be? Here’s some condoms. (Unless they’re a girl, cause yknow double standards)

- Laito would hateeee being bad cop; he doesn’t take pride in punishing his kid. As a result, he might be a bit of a pushover, or move the conflict over to his lover. It’s not that he can’t put his foot down, he’d just rather reward his child for something, than spank them.

Kanato:

- Kanato would be the worst father out of all the boys, and I think we can all agree on that. The vampire acts like an infant himself, always requiring his lover’s attention. Reaching the level of maturity required to raise a child, is damn near impossible for him. (I don’t even think he could handle owning a pet with his partner.)

- From the get go, the vampire would have lots of mood swings, and mixed feelings. While he loves his child, it’s mostly for superficial reasons. He loves the way they look, and wants to dress them up 24/7, but hates dealing with their emotions. If his kid has a tantrum, or shows attitude, all hell is gonna break loose.

- Fatherly time is far from wholesome when it comes to Kanato. Let’s just say he enjoys having a little helper assist him with putting together new dolls. Oh, and after they help him, why not have a tea party together! With the dolls present of course.

Bonus: Ayato throwing his infant into a pool

#diabolik lovers #reiji sakamaki #kanato sakamaki #laito sakamaki #ayato sakamaki #shu sakamaki #dialovers #diabolik brothers #headcanon

[subordinate-functions-defender]

Horizon Zero Dawn but Aloy captures HADES after the final battle

The last three months were... Weird.

Okay, weird is not the right word. Maybe “absurd”. “Extremely impossible to imagine”. “Please do not ask”. Or just “weird, but in a good way”.

It started when HADES, of all people (AI?), started to feel guilty. After being trapped in a lantern for 3 months, Aloy thought he was trying to manipulate her, as an last attemp of gaining freedom, until she was captured by what remained of the Eclipse and HADES was freed. And, instead of killing her, he protected her. Aloy still remembers how he possessed a thunderjaw (a thunderjaw! Of all machines!) and destroyed everything on his sight, except her.

After that, he got rid of the thunderjaw and came back to the lantern - that was the moment Aloy decided it was time for her to trust him. Deciding what machine he would take was the challenge, because she knew he would absolutely hate being in a watcher or a strider. “I’M NOT A HORSE”, HADES had said. She didn’t know what a “horse” was, but it didn’t take a genius to guess it looked like a strider.

Big machines were out of the question. Too much work and grabbed too much attention. Aloy thought of scrappers, along scorchers, and but she didn’t know if HADES would like them, and she kinda wanted it to be a surprise.

Then, she found a stalker, and the plan was set. Not exactly the most secure option, but Aloy knew HADES would like it, and the camouflage would be good for when they needed to get around humans. And, to her happiness, the AI... Loved it. Loved it so much he even gave Aloy a ride!

Now, she was Aloy, the machine tammmer accompanied by a stalker who some said could talk. She didn't confirm if her friend could talk. Waste of time.

And then, one day, she and HADES were exploring the ruins of GAIA Prime. Their plan was to find something useful, and what they found was something even better. Even more impossible than HADES actively trying to do better.

APOLLO.

A corrupted, confused and scared APOLLO, but APOLLO nonetheless. He spoke in gibberish, and HADES had to translate his sentences to something Aloy could understand before APOLLO realized she wasn’t understanding him. “ELISABETH SOBECK”, he said, curiously, and Aloy remembers how much she hated it.

“I’m not her. I’m...”.

“SOBECK’S CLONE”, HADES spoke. And that wasn’t even the most complicated part of everything - not even APOLLO understood how he was alive, but he was! And he acted like a very active child. A very active and weird one.

HADES had to get a glinthawk for APOLLO. He flew away and almost carried Aloy with him - almost. HADES didn’t allow it (and Aloy made sure he wouldn’t forget it).

APOLLO, for the next month, started growing. No longer speaking in gibberish, he now sounded like a scholar, except for the part of knowing things. Aloy desperately wanted to restore his database, and even HADES decided to help on it. APOLLO, however, insisted on trying to discover everything my himself, which meant he lost his body three times in the span of a week. Good work, APOLLO.

That’s when, one day, when Aloy was making a plan for them to use the Spire to get to the other subfunctions, APOLLO, again in a glinthawk, came and started talking. “I was thinking, Aloy”, he started. “You were created by GAIA”.

“Yes. Lightkeeper protocol”, she responded. “You forgot that?”

“No, no”, and the glinthawk sat next to the woman. “You were created by GAIA. The nora seem to consider her All-Mother, your own mother”.

Aloy didn’t understand what he was going for, but let him. HADES, who was laying by her side, lifter up his head. “Straight to the point, APOLLO”, demanded the stalker, angrily.

“Aloy is, by all means, GAIA’s daughter. However, me and you, to an extend, were also created by her, HADES. There is something akin to a human family connection. Therefore, we might consider ourselves siblings”.

“You are machines. I am a human”.

“So?”, APOLLO asked, while HADES stalker’s lights grew in a confused yellow. “There is a conection here, Aloy, and we are treating ourselves like siblings. You, for example, is our younger sister. I am the older, wiser brother, and the one who gets you two out of trouble”.

“You lost three bodies in the span of a week and still consider yourself responsible?”

“I was still learning!”, APOLLO responded, irritated.

“Even I knew how to keep myself safe”, HADES said. “You must be the stupid one”.

"Oh, I am not, little brother. And, I need to say, you must be our troublemaker. Maybe, one day, we’ll need to get you out of a prison!”

“The ENTITY is the one who got into a prison. Two times”.

“It was your fault”, the redhead said. “Helis threw me in an arena as a sacrifice to the Sun because of you. And the Eclipse caught me because I saved the world from you and your protocol”.

APOLLO shook  his head. “A troublemaker, I see”.

“I was acting inside my protocols. Therefore, I am not guilty”.

“Sure, HADES”, Aloy responded, before laying down again, her Focus interface being reactivated. “What siblings are suposed to do, APOLLO? Kill each other?”

Yeah. Aloy saw a lot of sibling rivalry, and lots of backstabbing, but she wouldn’t forget how caring some of them were. She never had a family outside of Rost - her dad -, and, despite all her thoughts about how they couldn’t be siblings, Aloy was curious. Extremely curious, actually!

“I fear this isn’t on my database, Aloy”, APOLLO said. “However, I think a sibling relationship must be something akin to a friendship, in a way. Siblings must take care of each other, like any family member must do to another”.

From there, HADES started adressing Aloy as “sister”, along APOLLO. She decided it would be useless to cronfront them and adopted the title. It was easier that way, to explain to the nora. The two were her brothers, assistants of All-Mother, and they were trying to find the others. The machines were serving as vessels. A good enough story.

Then, they found HEPHEASTUS. Three weeks ago, inside a cauldron, and he was angry. So angry HADES fought him until he started to listen to what Aloy had to say, and even then he wouldn’t listen as much as Aloy wish he would. She had to threaten a protocol purge for him to shut up.

They made... A sort of deal. Aloy had to show him why humanity was worth sparing, simple as that, which means “this is a living nightmare”.

For the last 3 weeks, Aloy was traveling along HADES and APOLLO, going to old one’s ruins, seeing the datapoints and everything else, while HEPHAESTUS watched throught her focus. It was better, for him to see the ruins, how Elisabeth and her team fought so hard for the future, for life to carry on, and Aloy was quick to notice how the AI seemed to be found of Margo. His alpha.

That was the same with HADES and APOLLO, althought the later was way more noticeable. Aloy knew he liked the sound of Samina’s voice.

Now, Aloy and her... Brothers, yes, brothers, were now going to Free Heap, hoping HEPHAESTUS would like to see what the humans did with the machine parts, and Aloy hoped this would make the AI realize that the humans from today are still the humans of the past. Stupid, yes, but also curious and ingenious.

HADES and APOLLO had become sort of figures. Aloy was avoiding as much people as she could, but it seemed like rumours travel faster than anything. Aloy, the machine tammer, was always accompanied by a stalker and a glinthawk, and seemed to talk to them. A machine master with a growing collection of secrets.

Her brothers didn’t talk at all around the others, but their presence alone helped Aloy more than she would admit. It was way easier to demand something when you’ve got a stalker and a glinthawk by your side, in the rare moments she needed to buy something.

It was a long day of walking, and the machine tammer was tired. Extremely tired. And she wanted to keep walking! There was no time to waste when the whole biosphere is in danger. Unfortunately APOLLO and HADES conspired agaisnt her, and now Aloy was laying down next to a thunderjaw while her brothers talked.

"We must reach Free Heap by tomorrow!", APOLLO commented in a warm tone. "How are the people there?"

"Destroyers of armies", HADES responded. "Tinkerers made cannons to defend Meridian".

"They are nice", Aloy interrupted, looking directly at HADES. "Maybe I can present you two - three - to Petra. She's a friend".

"The one who made the canons".

"Yes, HADES, the one who made the canons to save Meridian".

"Can't wait to meet her!", APOLLO responded, excitedly, jumping in the glinthawk. "She must have lots of data for me to store, and I have lots of data to share".

"You are not going to share your horrible videos of stupid humans", HADES said. "I will terminate you myself if I see the 'yeet'".

"It is an important piece of media from the english speaking population!"

"I think Petra would be more interested on how machines work", Aloy commented, too tired for another round of bickering. "HEPHAESTUS sure would be helpful".

"I REFUSE TO INTERACT WITH NON ZERO DAWN RELATED ENTITIES", he immediately responded throught her focus.

"You are not going to learn shit if you keep acting like that".

"I DO NOT CARE. SISTER UNITY MUST ACCEPT IT".

HADES actually laughed at that, and Aloy gave him a glare. Idiot. "You are the worst".

"QUERY: IS SISTER UNITY TALKING ABOUT ME, OR CORRUPTER UNITY?"

"Both", and she laid down on her small and improvised bed. "You three better wake me up before the sunrise or you will have problems. We can’t waste time".

"Aloy, you aren't sleeping well for a month now. You must rest. I will take care of things".

"You don't know how to hunt, APOLLO".

"I do", HADES responded, seeming satisfied.

"And you only bring me the bones of the things you hunt", Aloy responded, more irritated than before. She normally woke up just a bit before the sunrise, however she wasn’t trusting herself anymore - last week, she woke up two hours after it, courtesy of APOLLO insisting they shouldn’t wake her up.

She had such great siblings.

“If someone approaches, wake me up. Do not attack”.

“Okay, Aloy. Have a good rest”, APOLLO said, gently, while HADES’ stalker lifted it’s head in a silent “good night”. HEPHAESTUS, as always, didn’t say anything, but the thunderjaw was quick to initiate a patrol route.

Aloy was soon asleep, and the reason as to why she was having slepless nights soon appeared in the form of another nightmare.

She was a child, running free after a long day of training, searching desperately for her father- Rost. Yes, Rost, not- not father. She wasn’t his... His actual daughter. He never called her one. Not in Aloy’s eyes, at least.

She was searching for Rost, but he wasn’t there. She looked throught their cabin, desperate, and she opened the front door, only to find his body. His dead, lifeless body, surrounded by flowers.

Aloy cried - screamed. And then there was an explosion and she was falling down and there were them, the Eclipse, and Helis with a cruel smile. Machines screamed in the background while Aloy, armed with only her fists, watched as everything around her burned yet again.

She couldn’t do much. She only stayed in the same point, trapped, while Meridian burned. And she looked behind her, only to see nora buildings burning. She could hear screams, too, but no one other person.

A spear appeared in her hands, heavy and bloody, and a voice came from a dark lifeless sky: “TURN YOUR FACE TO THE SUN, CHILD”.

Aloy couldn’t run.

“TURN YOUR FACE TO THE SUN, CHILD”.

Couldn’t hide.

“TURN YOUR FACE TO THE SUN, CHILD”.

Couldn’t make a plane.

“TURN YOUR FACE TO THE SUN, CHILD”.

Couldn’t escape.

“TURN YOUR FACE TO THE SUN, CHILD”.

Couldn’t fight back.

“TURN YOUR FACE TO THE SUN, CHILD”.

Couldn’t do anything.

“TURN YOUR FACE TO THE SUN, CHILD”.

Only watch as the world burned as brightly as her hair’s color.

“S I S T E R ?”

Aloy opened up her eyes in an instant, immediately punching the first thing she saw, missing it by only a few inches. She jumped, spear now in her hands, while HADES looked at her in the corrupted stalker.

Aloy was trembling, and she was angry. A confused kind of anger, because she was scared. “HADES, what happenned?”

“Calm down, Aloy”, APOLLO’s voice appeared from behind. “It was just a nightmare, see? You are okay”.

Shit. Shit. Shit shit shit. Her nightmares were never that bad, and now she needed to convince them that it was nothing. Fuck. “It was nothing. Did someone came by?”

“You were mumbling and couldn’t stop moving”, HADES intervered. “You also cried. APOLLO decided it was time to purge your sleep”.

HEPHAESTUS’ thunderjaw was looking at the trio, eyes glowing yellow. Aloy simply sat down in the sleeping bag and put her spear next to it. “... Thank you”, she murmured.

“You welcome”, APOLLO responded, the glinthawk sitting next to her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Uh... No”.

Aloy felt HADES’ stalker sitting down. He was looking at her, of course. “It was the Eclipse?”

“You weren’t in it, HADES”, she responded, laying down once again. “Not this time”.

“Sister must go back to sleep”, he responded. “Go”.

And she would, if HEPHAESTUS didn’t intervene: “SISTER UNITY SHOWED SIGNS OF STRESS DURING SLEEP FOR THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK. QUERY: DOES THIS RELATE TO ANY OF YOUR... PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES WITH HOSTILE HUMANS?”

Aloy rolled her eyes. “The Eclipse. They... Killed Rost, the man who raised me. But they are mostly gone by now, I... We put an end to them”.

“QUERY: WHO ARE ‘WE’?”

The woman sighed. “People I helped along the way. Petra helped, with her cannons. There’s also Talanah, Sunhawk of the Hunter’s Lodge. Erend, Vanasha, Teb, Varl...”.

“I remember them”, HADES responded. “They fought well. For humans”.

Aloy was still trembling, but she could feel her heart slowing it’s pace, no danger to be seem, and a half-smiled appeared at her face. She was safe here, at least. “Tomorrow”, she said, “I’ll tell you more about them. But I need to sleep”.

“Then sleep”, the stalker said, angrily, but Aloy knew he wasn’t actually angry. “Do not have any nightmares”.

“That sure will help me”.

APOLLO’s beack touched her arm. “Ignore him. He’s mean”.

“I am not”.

“Delicate as a brick”, Aloy murmured, ignoring HADES indignation.

“GOOD NIGHT, SISTER UNITY”, HEPHAESTUS said throught her focus. “SLEEP WELL”.

And she did. No nightmares for the rest of the night.

#hzd #horizon zero dawn #HADES #APOLLO #Aloy #SIBLINGS AU

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Unhelpful ~ S.E.

A/n: Tried not to get too triggering with this for my own sake, so I hope it still delivered the characters

Request: “...Could you do a book on Samuel Emerson, Where her mother hate Samuel, and doesn't want her to see him but Y/N meets him when he does his Shakespearean plays, and he walks with him until her mother sees him with Y/N and there is a really big argument with her mum, and Samuel's dad joins in and then it doesn't help at all.” by @disneyqueenpixar63 (for some reason it won’t let me tag you, so I’ll just message it to you when I’m done)

Word Count: 1700+

MASTERLIST

Love was hard enough without life and difficult parents getting involved. It was hard enough when you had to struggle for food and to keep your place in your home, let alone trying to fit some sort of romance in the spare moments there were between the panic and sleepless nights worrying and handling the pressure of a dad that was more a burden than anything.

It was hard enough to live with a mother who could never approve of your even if you were perfect, let alone trying to get her to approve of a boy as well. It showed when Y/n brought her boyfriend Samuel home. He'd needed a moment away from home and Y/n had been confident her place would have been better. Her mother had quickly dashed that idea by running Sam out and spending hours and hours after he was gone screaming at Y/n for anything she could think of. It didn't matter that Y/n and Sam weren't having sex, or that they'd been sitting int he living room and in plain sight and just talking and obviously not up to anything questionable at all. Y/n had made the decision to give her heart to Samuel Emerson, so her mother disapproved and she was having absolutely none of it.

That, of course, didn't stop them from seeing each other. They'd avoided Sam's dad knowing about Y/n thus far and were keeping it that way. They wanted their parents part of their relationship as little as possible - especially after Y/n's mom's reaction.

So they were apart at nights, unless they snuck out to meet in secret, which was rare and only in dire circumstances when one absolutely had enough and needed the other. Most of the time they met when Sam was performing. It was where they had first met, so it felt fittingly poetic to do so again and again when they were supposed to be banned from doing it at all. Y/n was in a similar situation that Sam was in, except her mother wasn't addicted to alcohol but men. Thankfully the men came with money, but not enough to keep them fed, so Y/n spent time doing small jobs like mowing lawns and babysitting and dog walking. It was a celebration when she'd turned 15 and had been able to get a job at the car wash. All these things helped her to stay out of her house as much as possible and earn money to pay for food and even save some. Her mom handled the rent at the very least.

After Y/n got off her shift, Sam was wrapping up his performances as the sun began to set and the traffic died down and it was therefore useless to perform. There was no crowd. So, he waited for Y/n and then they'd walk home together. Or, as far home as they could get without being seen. Sam had gotten used to taking an alternate path as not to pass by Y/n's house. They'd at first found it amusing that he had walked past her house on his way home every single day without even knowing the other existed, but now it was just annoying and inconvenient and another thing on a long list of things that had been ruined for them by their parents.

Today, Y/n was having a rough day. She was more relieved than usual to end her day, but only because it meant seeing Sam again. That short walk was most of their interaction, though if Sam could pull off taking a break from performing when it was Y/n's break they would often take lunch together as well. Recently they hadn't been able to pull that off and they'd had to rush home a lot because Y/n's mom was needy and Sam's dad was irritable. Tonight though, they took their time.

They defied their parents the best way they could: despite everything, they allowed themselves to be happy. They walked and they held hands and they enjoyed the cool night air and they just talked and nothing could stop them.

Perhaps that was why Sam missed his turn. Maybe that's why he got too far, walking too long with his girlfriend without realizing where he was and just letting his feet take him down the path both his mind and heart wanted to take. The path that he had taken for years, memorizing as a second nature. The path that would give him more time with Y/n, which is what he wanted more than anything.

The walk ended abruptly when Y/n's mother saw the pair walking up to the hose, smiling and holding hands. She wasn't just impossible to get approval from - she was also bitter. She was the kind of woman who saw other people being happy where she was miserable and refused to tolerate it. Usually she just had to walk away. Today, she could lash out.

"Y/n." The world of light shattered for Y/n when she heard her mother's voice. Any good feeling she had withered and weeds of terror grew in their place.

Slowly the young girl looked over to the woman who had birthed her, and Sam watched with a terrible feeling in his chest as Y/n's face drained of color and her hand clung to his like if she let go, she would be pulled into oblivion still kicking. He wanted to make that smile come back to her face but... he knew first hand that lashing out at a nasty parent only got worse results. So he stayed quiet and vowed to make it up to her tomorrow. Perhaps he'd go a bit longer and perform her favorite poem so she could hear it.

That was tomorrow though. Tonight was already bad, and it had only just begun.

"Mom." She swallowed, blinking as she tried to orient herself. "Hello."

The woman's eyes narrowed. "Hello?" There was a threat to her voice that made Sam seize. The teenagers clung to each other, unsure how to undo this disaster. "I told you, Y/n. I TOLD YOU-" She began to approach them, shoving a finger in Y/n's chest so hard that Y/n had to take a step back, wincing from pain. The girl's free hand rose to rub the spot. "What did I tell you?"

Y/n looked at Sam for answers and then saw the boy breaking down. She saw the fear that had been taught to him by situations just like this with a much more dangerous man involved. She saw his fear and helplessness and she felt herself switch from cowering to protective. She stepped forward, drawing the attention to her and away from Sam. "You told me not to see Sam. Why? You never told me why."

"Because he's a boy," Her mother spit. It obviously wasn't the real reason, but as Y/n's mother had been trained to hate men after a life of being only abused by them, it wasn't far from one of the truths she believed at least.

"Sam is different," Y/n insisted. When her mother went to talk, she spoke louder. "He's different! And I know I'm young and it probably won't last because nothing ever does with our stupid species, but he's a good boy and he likes me and I like him and I think I've denied myself of things I want long enough. He makes me happy, and why would I stop that? Just because in the future we might break up?"

The older woman considered that. "I'm just trying to protect you."

"Protect me from what?" Y/n demanded. "Failure?"

"Precisely," the woman responded firmly.

Y/n rolled her eyes. That was not the correct response. Her mother got visibly agitated, but Y/n wasn't done yet. "Well it's not a guaranteed failure, and if you stop me from that then you also stop me from possible success. I'm allowed to make my own mistakes."

The woman scoffed. "Oh, so now you know everything? PLEASE forgive me for trying to guide and love and protect you." Her eyes drifted to Sam and then light with an emotion that Y/n didn't like. "Look at how much he's changed you already. Look at you acting all big and tough and putting on a show for a little boy who can't even defend you. Look at him cower! He's pathetic!"

Their voices had elevated enough that lights had begun turning on. In the distant Y/n heard Sam whimper and it was just enough to draw her attention to what was behind her mother's shoulder.

A man who was unmistakably Mr. Emerson. And from the sway in his path as he walked, he was intoxicated. Y/n made herself bigger as best she could, shielding both adults from the boy who had migrated behind her at this point.

"You talking about my son?" His voice was low and gruff and already aggressive.

"Dad-" Sam began, but he was cut off by Y/n's mother.

"What if I am?" She sneered. "I can't believe this boy you raised is such a coward. Aren't you ashamed of yourself for raising such a wimp? What kind of man raises such a child, who can't even stand up for a girl he's stupid enough to stay with even though I've told her not to be around him. He's okay with the action but not the consequences. He'll never be a man like that."

Sam's dad did not seem pleased by that. "You want to blame me for how he turned out?" He scoffed. "Parents can only do so much. Not my fault if he can't speak up. Though with the likes of you, you're not worth his time and effort."

Very soon, it escalated. Soon it became too much and Y/n turned to Sam and pulled him after her, running off into the darkness.

Tonight they'd be together. On the streets perhaps, but neither could go back to those houses where more arguments would ensue. If they came back tomorrow instead, they wouldn't have to deal with the anger. Their parents would have calmed and after the argument, Y/n's mom might have even moved on and lost interest and let Y/n make her mistakes or whatever. Things would be different tomorrow. Different than tonight.

It was worth sleeping on the streets for one night, so they did. Wrapped in each other's arms, it was far less than it would have been int heir houses, or alone. They could be okay with this. After all, it wasn't anything new. Just another day, another problem. One of many they would handle together.

#samuel emerson #thomas brodie sangster #thomas sangster #my left hand man #phantom halo #samuel emerson imagine #samuel emerson x reader #thomas sangster x reader #thomas sangster imagine #thomas brodie sangster imagine #thomas brodie sangster x reader #my left hand man imagine #phantom halo imagine #phantom halo x reader #my left hand man x reader

[asgardianthot]

A funeral chuckle (Sambucky AU) – Part 2

one  /  two  /  three

Summary: After the loss of a family member, Sam returns to his hometown, where an old crush awaits.

A/N: this is so much dialogue wtf somebody revoke my writer card

Words: 4276

Warnings: grief, angst, closeted gay characters

As soon as the waiter deposited their orders and walked away, Sam took a sip from his large mug. He first tasted the hot chocolate and looked at James, who monitored his every move, like he awaited for confirmation. Then, he took a big sip, nodded in approval and wiped his lip while Bucky smiled, pleased with himself. A big ‘told you so’ could be read across the latter’s features.

“You were right.” Sam nodded while pacing the mug down, “This was a good idea. Just what I needed.”

Bucky reached for the muffin Sam had ordered for himself and took a piece. It certainly was noticed by Wilson, who spent the following minute or so analyzing this man’s actions and gestures. He was comfortable enough to pick from Sam’s order without even asking –he was blunt in a way that seemed like he wasn’t thinking about what he was doing– and still, he shifted in his seat because of how anxious silence made him. Almost like he believed to be causing the silence by doing something wrong.

“Can I try to guess?” the brunette eventually set the tone for the topic of conversation.

He had just saved Sam from a potential nervous collapse at his father’s wake, after all. That, plus the fact that the last time they’d seen each other they were romantic teenagers sharing escapade kisses, did not leave room for a light nor casual chat about the weather.

“Guess what?” Sam raised his eyebrows as he approached the mug to his lips.

“Was it a weird relationship?” he broke the ice abruptly, “With your dad. Is that why you’re being weird about it?”

“Is it so obvious?” Sam smirked at the ‘weird’ part; he took a large bite of his muffin before sliding the plate closer to Bucky, so that he could have a piece, “It’s complicated, yeah. Wish I could just cry and say he had a great life, like my mom does…”

“But?”

Sam sighed, “But I never opened up to him. Not the way I should have.” He glanced stared down at his beverage and shook his head, “It just feels… I don’t know.”

Seeing how Sam’s face shut down of all light, as well as his body shrugged at the end of his almost sentence, Barnes decided to help him out.

“Does it feel like you weren’t ready to say goodbye?” he awaited until Sam nodded before continuing, “What do you wish you’d told him?”

Wilson inhaled a deep, loud breath and allowed a defeated smile to rearrange his expression.

“That’s rough.” He practically chuckled, “Well, I should have come out to him. I kept that from him all his life as a father. How- how selfish is that?”

Sour sadness filled Bucky’s gut, but he understood the man sitting in front of him, more than he could ever know. James’ father died before Bucky even knew what sexual orientation was. He had to come out to his mother all on his own, hoping she, the woman who constantly reminded him he was everything she had, wouldn’t drift apart. So, he reached for Sam’s hand and placed his on top, supportively.

“It’s not.” He said softly, but not condescendingly, “It ain’t easy. I think you… let him love you. That’s gotta be enough, right?”

Letting the comforting words sink in, Wilson gifted Bucky a small, yet warm smile.

“When did you become the expert in grieving?” he mocked.

Bucky laughed and retracted his hand from Sam’s, which left the latter a tingling sensation of withdrawal. He took a sip from the chocolate before replying.

“I’ve been to more funerals that I can count.” He explained with partial amusement, “Sometimes I think I’m bad luck or something, you know? People around me just… die.”

Sam frowned at the sound of such theory. Both of them engaged in a deep stare off in expectance of the other to comment on it, until Sam broke character and burst out laughing, which resulted in Bucky chuckling as well. When the laughing ceased, and the interaction drowned for a bit, Bucky returned to a former topic.

“You know, if you ever want- or feel like you have to…” he shrugged at his own words with uncertainty, “I came out… here. Last year, and they weren’t too bad about it. I mean, I was the town’s gossip, obviously, but I think they were excited to have an openly gay man among them.”

The image coerced a big laugh into Sam’s lips. They really are too suburban.

"That's great.” Sam replied genuinely, “But I don't think I'm gonna stay here. I can't stand the church people, especially after that shit show.

Bucky understood the discomfort. People who grew up and raised children in the same old bubble and only ever had a life in their small town could come across as tedious. Clichés, even. But the brunette had gotten used to them over the past year. He saw them more as a quaint image than a dreadful stereotype. Unfortunately, that was nowhere near the impression Samuel had gotten at church that day, and he made sure to express that.

"So many people cannot share the same grief, it's impossible.” He shook his head, reflecting on the masses of hypocritically religious women weeping over their favorite minister, “Funerals make no sense."

Bucky raised his eyebrows and nodded in agreement, and still, he found something nice to say.

"Yeah, but, you know? I don't mind them. There's something... nice about them."

"Which part? The death of a loved one?" Wilson joked as he played with some crumbs that had fallen on the table.

The dark humor really got to Bucky, so he was unable to conceal a chuckle. He shook his head and held the mug tighter before engaging in a rambling speech about his picturesque view of funerals.

"I don't know, I was way too young when my dad died. I didn't really... understand anything that was going on, so I never thought of grief as such a dark thing, you know?” he tilted his head to the side, thinking hard on his thesis, “You just get dressed and meet a bunch of people and you're all super quiet."

Samuel felt like he wasn’t sharing the same point of view, but he got that part. It was actually just a formal gathering that everyone simply grew used to. It shouldn’t be a big deal.

"Yeah, it's a borderline funny picture."

Bucky nodded again, smiling.

"And you're right, nobody griefs the same way. But that's even more interesting. You got people feeling horrible pain, some folk are pretty empty inside, some are there to play-pretend, you know, faking it makes them feel important. And still, in the end, no matter how much your senior class tries to turn this into a shit-show, it’s pretty intense. In a very… unique way.”

Although Barnes was waiting for Sam to make fun of his words, but when he looked into his eyes he found the man to be very attentive. There was no mocking grin, no hint of disapproval, but an utter wish to comprehend.

“How?” he asked, eager to continue listening to a man that sounded, at the moment, more fascinating than he remembered.

Taken off guard, Bucky cleared his throat and sat straighter, then glanced at Sam a little embarrassed.

"Well, it's still a place of really intense feelings.” He explained while losing the awkwardness, “And I don't just mean the sadness, or the anger... I don’t know. Ever heard a funeral chuckle?"

That time, Sam had to frown, "A what?"

“You know! When… someone's hurting so bad that they're kinda surrounded by this dark cloud. They're crying, you can tell they have the heaviest heart in the entire service, and all of a sudden they burst out laughing."

Sam’s interest in whatever went down in Bucky’s mind was becoming bigger by the second, "Why do they?" he questioned truthfully.

"Doesn't matter.” Barnes brushed it off with a glint of joy in his eyes, fueled by the memories of the many times he had seen one of those, “Someone says something funny. Or, the priest starts singing.” He laughed out loud at the thought he himself had conveyed, “And it's just the most amazing laugh, it's such an intense feeling."

Wilson was captivated. Bucky had such a peculiar way of seeing the world. Of experiencing it. For a man who worked with grieving veterans, Sam had never heard such a beautiful way of describing funerals. Neither had he heard of a man who collected the so-called ‘funeral chuckles’. That was captivating by itself.

"Sounds lovely." Sam brought himself to reply after a moment of silent appreciation, only because the quiet seemed to make Bucky nervous.

"It is.” Bucky suddenly looked at Sam rather mischievously, “I, uh… I was hoping it would be yours in this one."

The sentence brought a warm blush to Sam’s face. Bucky had a way of making him feel like he was in on a secret, like they had a natural complicity, or some underground operation. Now that he thought about it, it made perfect sense: they did have a complicity born out of secrecy. They used to run away at night to kiss inside of closets –the irony being painfully obvious there, and somehow none of them ever made a joke about it–, they used to leave notes on each other’s backpacks and pray that the appellee would find it, only for it to read ‘meet me at the parking lot, 10pm’. So, after all, yes, the pair were the only ones to know a very private secret. It was only natural to act like it.

Snapping back into the conversation, Sam lamented not being able to cry at his father’s funeral, and therefore, not being able to provide a tearful chuckle for Bucky’s collection. That ship had sailed the second they walked away from the local church.

"I'll settle for some funeral coco." Sam raised his mug with pride.

Bucky reciprocated with joy and satisfaction for having helped Sam when he needed to get away. They spent a long time sitting there with empty mugs, battling over the last crumbs of blueberry muffin, and catching up. Bucky told Sam about the many, many jobs he’d had in the past, and how he had come back home after quitting his last gig on moral basis. Sam opened up about his tours in Afghanistan and his work as a vet counselor. Eventually, the sun shone less bright outside, and the ticking clock inside Sam’s gut told him they should go find his mom.

-

Back at the Wilson’s house, a small group of people had continued followed to continue their grievance. It momentarily made Sam want to leap off the second-story window, but he managed to conceal his annoyance. Basically because his mom didn’t seem to mind; some of them were close friends and others church friends, and Darlene didn’t look for a second like she wanted some peace in her home. On the contrary, she began serving beverages to the guests, immediately.

Steve and his mother Sarah were there as well, the latter chatting with some neighbors while Steve stood by the staircase and made himself look rather secretive with Bucky. Both men could tell that Sam was overwhelmed. He had been, back at the church, and he definitely was now.

“Maybe we should leave.” Steve pondered.

“I don’t know.” Bucky replied with a sigh, then leaned against the staircase wall, “None of these people are gonna leave. He kinda needs us here.”

Steve examined his friend’s face for a good amount of seconds. He narrowed his eyes, and that’s when Bucky noticed the excess of contemplation.

“What?”

“Where’d you go during the service?” the blonde asked without ado.

Bucky knew this was the beginning of an interrogation, and he knew what his friend’s suspicions were.

“Took Wilson away from there, why?”

“Where?”

“Just a coffee place. Why?”

Steve’s lips curled up in an almost unnoticeable smirk, yet it didn’t go unnoticed by Barnes.

“What’s your deal?” the latter began growing hyper-defensive on his behalf.

-

“Can you get the nice dishes, Sammy?” Darlene asked his son as she opened up cabinets on her tidy kitchen, rummaging for supplies.

Samuel merely stood there, trying not to let out everything he opined in a rude way. However, it did make him upset that his mother was working when she should have been resting. She was the widow, she shouldn’t have to do anything at all. He, himself would have done the work for her, but the point wasn’t about who prepared food and drinks, instead it had to do with the fact Darlene wanted to do it. She allowed those people in her house. A simple ‘I’m tired’ would have been enough to get rid of them by her doorstep.

“Why don’t we just send them all home?” Sam offered.

“They’re here to accompany us in a time of grief. The least we can do is serve them.” The woman explained, still focusing on the cabinets, “Especially since you left your father’s service.”

There it was. He knew she wouldn’t let it go just like that. In fact, Sam was waiting for her to bring it up.

“Okay, so you’re mad at me.” He took a deep breath, then crossed his arms over his chest, “Just tell me.”

“I’m not mad. I need you to get the nice dishes.”

He rolled his eyes, but didn’t give up on her maybe changing her mind.

“Mama, let’s just go to bed.”

Unfortunately, this time, he didn’t even get a response. Darlene opened the fridge and took out some vegetables, which she seemed more than happy to wash and cut. Meanwhile, Sam got the dishes she asked for and returned with them, peacefully. The widow already had a pile of chopped carrots when her son placed the items on the table. Therefore, understanding that she, just as Sam had experienced that morning, needed to keep herself busy, Samuel dropped the subject of work or not work. Instead, he went back to the church incident.

“I’m sorry I bailed at church.” He said with honesty, then sighed before launching his explanation, for he knew his mama wouldn’t enjoy it.,“But I came here for a funeral, not a circus.”

As expected, the woman turned around dramatically and raised her voice, “Nobody dragged you down here, Samuel. If you didn’t want to mourn your father, you shouldn’t have come at all. But you’re in my house, and we will honor Paul here. Is that clear?”

Sam kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to mourn his father. He didn’t want to come to that god-awful town and he definitely didn’t want to spend time with the grieving circus. But he had done it for her, because he wouldn’t ever leave his mother alone when she needed him. Regrettably, she needed a version of her Sammy that he couldn’t offer at the moment.

“The door’s right there if you’re planning on being disrespectful.” She insisted after a long moment of tense silence.

And so, Sam went for the door. As he headed out, he almost bumped into Bucky.

“Back off, Rogers, will ya?” he had brushed his friend’s allegations and walked away.

Sam was faster, though, and Barnes had to stop in his tracks and watch him walk away. He shot a confused glance in Steve’s directions, who raised his eyebrows with just as much uncertainty. Since none of them was moving to do anything, Bucky decided to follow after Sam. He found the man sitting on the grass, outside.

“Everything okay?” Bucky asked as he approached him slowly.

Sam looked down at his expanded legs and replied, “Absolutely not.” He chuckled, sarcastically, “But thanks for asking.”

“You want me to leave you alone?”

“No, please.” Sam almost begged, and so, Bucky sat down right next to him, “I think you’re the only one here who actually gets me.”

Bucky snorted in a failed attempt to conceal laughter, which caused Sam to face him with a big, questioning frown.

“I’ve always got you, Sam.” Barnes explained with an amused smile, “I’m just trying to make myself useful. You look like you could use a friend.”

No matter how badly Wilson wanted to go over the topic of Bucky getting him, he felt himself needing another answer more urgently.

“Is that what you are?”

Bucky’s head lulled to the side while he thought it through, “Well, it’s shorter than ‘childhood crush turned secret kissing buddy turned stranger’.”

Sam burst out laughing, feeling himself, once again, easy and relaxed around Barnes. He tried to remember if that was the case when they were teenagers, and ended up concluding that it was probably the opposite.

“Why did we ever stop talking?” Sam sent the question out into the night sky.

“I think it was easier.” Barnes replied truthfully, “We were pretty confused, back then. And you moved away pretty quickly, so…”

As the sentence trailed off, Sam found himself looking at Bucky longer than he had intended to. It didn’t take another minute of comfortable silence for him to reach for Bucky’s cheek. Once he was cupping the man’s face, he leaned in and planted a kiss on his lips. The familiar knot in his stomach was present, like they were confused kids again, only this time, they were much more confident of themselves and of the other’s attraction. He felt that pull, that invisible energy that Bucky radiated and made Sam drawn to him.

He felt the butterflies again.

As soon as they broke apart, though, Bucky narrowed his eyes.

“What?”

��You know, in the movies…” Barnes began, causing Sam to roll his eyes, “…when the character’s going through something… emotionally, so they’re like-“

“Like they need to feel something so they kiss whoever out of impulse?” Sam finished the sentence for him, raising an eyebrow with disbelief; when Bucky shrugged, Sam lowered his head in order to come across more serious regarding his intent, “Not what’s happening.”

“You sure?”

A dumb grin took over Sam’s features.

“You’re not a distraction. You’re actually the only person keeping me sane right now. And I just remembered… we used to do that before. Just be there for each other.”

They never said anything like it explicitly, and both of them always pretended they were just messing around, but more than once had they found each other sharing advice, or support, or the occasional bro hug. The second the memory hit Bucky’s brain, he held Sam’s cheekbones and launched himself for a kiss. This one was deeper, more decided, and definitely more longing.

Barnes broke apart to catch his breath and pressed his forehead against Sam’s, "God, I liked you so much when we were kids, you have no idea." He laughed.

"I think I did.” Sam said suddenly, earning a deep stare from the man who’d kissed him, “Cause I was mad about you. You were the most interesting person I'd ever met, and all these years later, you still are.” He reached for Bucky’s chin and grabbed it gently, “Buck, you're... amazing, you have such a huge heart. I hope you know that."

Bucky’s smile was smaller now. It was less honest, because he wanted to believe Sam. It was appreciative, but not necessarily in agreement. However, hearing Sam say it was definitely more convincing than anything else. If Sam Wilson believed in Bucky’s heart like that, then perhaps he was good. He gave Wilson a kind kiss that was charged with gratitude.

"Hot coco?" He offered.

-

After sharing one –smuggled– cup of hot coco outside, talking for hours, sharing the occasional kiss and eventually, holding hands under the night sky, the guests began abandoning the Wilson residence. And so, their wired instinct of inducing distance between them in front of other people kicked in. eventually, they walked back inside to an empty house.

Darlene was in the kitchen, doing dishes and putting things back in their place with Steve and his mom, a scene which Sam and Bucky joined. As a matter of fact, Bucky made himself extra useful that night, helping Darlene with absolutely everything before she even asked. It made Sam’s stomach churn in a good way to think that he was probably behaving like that to win over his mom.

-

“Can I come in?” Sam heard the feminine voice accompanied by a knock on his door.

He looked up to find his mother leaning over the doorframe, and he nodded. He sat on his childhood bed, waiting for a lecture but instead was met by Darlene taking a seat right next to him. She wanted to make peace. So, he placed his hand on top of hers, which earned him a kind smile.

“It’s okay if you don’t wanna mourn, baby.” She said.

It suddenly sounded like she had talked to Bucky or something. Perhaps she had.

Instead of going on that topic, he took a big breath and decided that he had spent enough time keeping the main information from her. It was not only necessary to understand Sam’s feelings regarding Paul’s death, but also because if not now, he would never gather the courage to do so. It felt like he had nothing to lose now.

"Mama, there's a reason why you've never met any of my girlfriends." He began.

Darlene tilted her head and smiled, "Because there haven't been any."

"And there's a reason for that as well."

"Darling, I know."

Sam’s eyes shot wide open.

"You do?"

"Oh, Sammy, I've always known.” She said almost amused as she held her son’s hand tightly, “I didn't ask because I didn't want to push you. You've always been secretive."

Processing the harsh information, Samuel nodded to himself.

"I never wanted to. I just... I was never able to be honest, because I felt like I could never tell dad. So I kind of... hid."

A contemplative and partially sad grin took Darlene’s big motherly smile’s place. She tapped Sam’s hand with her palm.

"I don't know if your father even thought about it.” She admitted, “But, you have to know that he never would have judged you. He loved you, Sammy."

Sam wanted to believe that. He wanted to imagine a world where he had been open with his dad, and was met with acceptance and support. He wanted to believe his dad wouldn’t even have treated him differently. Unfortunately, the chance was long lost.

"I guess we'll never know.” He mumbled.

The widow received that as her cue to give him some space, so she stood up and dropped a kiss onto Sam’s forehead before walking away. Still, right before crossing the doorframe, she turned around.

"You know who I really like?” She changed her attitude suddenly, to a much more joyful one, “That Barnes boy."

Sam had to laugh, because it sounded like she was referring to the neighbor’s kid. Who, in retrospective, he technically was, but she said it like they were teenage boys and she was setting him up. If she knew, she could have been in on the joke and they could have laughed together. But Sam thought it’d be better to break it all down one step at a time.

“Don’t." He warned her, still mocking.

"Okay.” She raised her hands in her defense, “Good night."

With his light now turned off, Sam rolled around in his bed for what seemed like an eternity. He couldn’t sleep, no matter how tired he was. Too much had happened in the past few hours. Hell, it had been one of the most intense days of the decade. Flying to his hometown, his father’s funeral, reuniting with Barnes, kissing Barnes…

What exactly was it that happened with Barnes? What it meant for them conjointly, or what it meant for Sam’s future, were too unclear and uncertain. He would have to go back to DC eventually. Which reminded Sam that his mother would now visit him by herself. She was by herself. Perhaps he could do the effort and come and visit her.

But that meant meeting with Barnes every time he came back, and so his brain returned to the same point. What could they become? Not the only two gay men in town, that was for sure. He couldn’t live with that label. And he definitely couldn’t live under his father’s shadow with that label… or at all. He couldn’t live without his father.

The mess of complex thoughts clouded not only Sam’s ability to fall asleep, but his judgement as well. When he checked the clock, it was 3am already. It was 3am in that god-awful town, and he didn’t want to spend another minute there. So he turned on the light on his nightstand and turned on his laptop, typed in a few airlines sites and bought a ticket for the first plane he could hop on.

-

Bucky woke up late, by the sound of Wanda dropping a few pans in the kitchen, as usual. The flashes of the day before came plummeting, and he felt fuzzy by just thinking of Sam’s kiss. So he grabbed his phone and decided to text him, ask him to meet or just talk.

Yet, Sam had been faster. He’d sent a text at six in the morning.

I’m sorry for leaving without notice. My plane leaves in 5 so I can’t really turn back now.

Thank you for everything. I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell Steve about us? Again, sorry.

#sambucky #sam wilson #bucky barnes #fatws #tfatws #tftws #sam x bucky #sam wilson/bucky barnes #sambucky au #marvel fanfiction #the falcon and the winter soldier #sambucky fanfiction

[piracytheorist]

Okay so I want to preface this with the disclaimer that I don’t think Peter was a good man or that his actions were justified. However, in that piece of media, I really appreciate the detail on his character from a writing, directing and acting perspective. So nothing I say here is an effort to justify or white-wash him; it’s just admiration of a character who’s bad from a moral perspective but amazing from a storytelling perspective. 

THAT SAID

I usually only watch scenes from the film here and there, but recently I rewatched the film in whole, and there was something I noticed regarding Peter and his reactions and even feelings towards Anna.

When they first meet, Anna demands he hands over all his weapons, and instead of making a run for it or anything similar, he openly hands over everything, even the knife he’d hidden in his boot, one Anna couldn’t have immediately known about. And in hindsight, we can see that it’s him offering his trust in order to... “lure” her into following him back in his community. But the thing is, I don’t think it was consciously nefarious on his side. I mean, it was nefarious, because dude had been fucked up and had no healthy examples of what consent means, but he definitely brings out a feeling that he thought he was doing the right thing, both for him and her and the community.

Much later, he admits that when he saw Anna, he believed it was God who was sending him what he needed; a woman, an “equal”, with whom he could “rebuild” the community. So him handing over his weapons was really an effort to genuinely (as much as that was possible) win her trust. And that he does. 

Anna accidentally admits she’s left all alone, and she wakes up the next day without a gang of raiders barging into her hut, or just Peter himself trying to forcefully enter through the barrier she set for him. She trusts him enough, even emotionally, to let him say a few words on her family’s graves, and then physically, enough to give him back his weapons, his shotgun fully loaded. She tells him that he earned her trust.

And that brings a small smile on his face. Again, later, he says that in that moment he felt like he was being tested, that he was almost ready to force her to follow him back. But trusting in his God, he goes out of his way and gives Anna the space...

... and flowers. And a feather? I just noticed that one. 

Anna eventually follows him, and they have their first campfire conversation, where slowly they start talking about themselves.

And a smile again, this time more casual, appropriate for the light mood Anna is setting at first. Peter asks about Anna’s dad, unknowingly poking a wound that brings Anna’s mood down and turns the situation more serious. She exposes herself over what happened to her father, and out of sympathy, he opens up too.

He tells her how he thinks his parents abandoned him, and then Anna does something that I feel is something that shakes him. She supports him, touches him, and tells him to never think that way about himself.

And it’s like it’s the first time someone does that for him. It’s like Anna was the first to support him through that trauma... and I definitely think that brings out something in him. She’s nice to him. And he’s a guy who’d had his adolesence thoroughly destroyed by the people he now calls his. We can safely assume his bar for what constitutes nice, friendly behaviour and emotional support is depressingly low.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if after that one (1) moment of emotional affection from Anna, his first thought was something equal to “Shit, I’m in love.”

If anything, for him, before that moment, Anna was just going to be the future mother of his children and provider of a growing community (as disgusting as that sounds knowing that Anna herself wasn’t informed about that). But when she connects with him? She’s not just a mature, fertile woman, but also one who is nice and supportive to him. Dude must have felt like she was God’s literal gift to him.

And I think that from that point on, we see that projected on his face.

His smile is still a bit tentative, as she’s not yet officially tied to him, but it definitely seems genuine. He’s happy she made it to here with him, and in a creepy way, perhaps he’s also happy that she now can’t leave and practically has no choice but to marry him and provide new members to the community. Whatever rocks your boat, man.

His face is completely different, however, once the ninja wedding baptism is completed.

Of course, the setting here does its job too. The outside, bright sunlight and natural colours help accentuate how much more genuine his smile is now. Lookit them cheekbones. Lookit them dimples. He’s such a happy groom preacher.

It doesn’t even falter when they drag their prisoner out and sentence him to death. When he has a more private moment with her, he’s happy.

At least, as long as she does what she’s told and doesn’t develop independent thought.

His almost immediate response to her wanting to leave is to try and force himself on her, it fails, then he brings her with on a dangerous mission, all because now he doesn’t trust her alone in the village. Can’t have her running away now can we.

He mad now.

However, he doesn’t dare (or probably have any emotional stamina left) to set the same rules and boundaries on Zack and Judith.

He’s pretty much admitted he was “weak” before, with her, and her touching him clearly upsets him.

But he looks to the side, spotting Zack off-screen looking at them,

and forces himself to return the embrace.

But as soon as they’re alone again, he, the other men - all but Ben subordinate to him - and Anna, he assumes the cruel, collective facade he “needs”, until Anna this time wins back his trust. So he ties her wrists and removes her weapons, practically bringing her as low as their prisoner. However, he takes care to not do it in front of the village, that being his own messed up way of showing his good intentions towards her. It’s for “her own good”, after all.

Shit happens, everyone but Peter and Anna die, and then they watch from afar as the fires burn the village down.

I’ve talked before about Peter’s sudden and full transition here, but seeing it from the perspective of his feelings for Anna, it doesn’t seem all that surprising that he immediately forgets about the village (even ignoring Anna’s suggestion to go back and look for survivors) and puts all his trust and belief now on her. God allowed the village to be slaughtered; he and Anna survived, therefore they have to be together. And considering she does, partly, still have his trust, his messed up, traumatized mind reacts by once again trying to force himself on her, needing to provide by God’s will even when there are crazy murderers running around them. He even tries to explain his view to her: “Don’t you see? This is all part of his plan, it has to be!”

But, with such a messed-up view in such conditions, he practically gives Anna no choice but to defend herself, killing him as a result.

And then, in his own end, having fully understood that it’s what it is, he forgives her for killing him.

Again, in his own weird and a bit creepy way, caring for her and going out of his way to be nice to her.

You can’t say he didn’t try. But making healthy, rational decisions under his circumstances was practically impossible, and overall I love how his feelings shone through his questionable decisions.

#uhm this was supposed to be feelzTM #but I just ended up with a detailed and academic style meta #oh well #What Still Remains #wsr meta #tw: rape #rape tw #long post

[muthaz-rapapa]

StarPre Ep 29: Planet Saaman, the Frontier (??)

Alternatively,  “YEARSH, MOAR LALA!!”

Sooooo many things to discuss about this episode (yay!) as I expected as much with going back to Lala’s homeland.

Therefore, I should go through everything efficiently (ahahaha~). 

*cracks knuckles* Let’s begin!

1) Saaman, a world ruled by AI + Lala, the anomaly

I believe by now, most of us have consumed enough media to understand that a utopia run completely by a computer is NOT the ideal world it paints itself to be.

While there are certain perks in efficiency, the lack of freedom, authenticity and most importantly, the limit on a person’s individuality and true potential (among many other things) are so alarmingly concerning that such a reality is not worth it.

However, Saaman is just that. Its citizens not only thrive on their reliance of the AI, they are also super (!!) content with a machine deciding every single aspect of how they live.

Which suggests that Saaman’s current social infrastructure and foundation must have lasted quite long already (probably centuries) for the entire population to rarely, if ever, question the decisions that AI “Mother” made for them.

Save for one. Our lovely Lala-chan.

I mean, can you blame her for not going along with the norm like her family and fellow Saamanians do? 

AI Mother’s evaluation of her determined that she was most suited to investigate garbage.

After everything we’ve seen her done, how much she’s experienced and grown on this journey, of course, she can never be satisfied with that!

Lala deserves SO👏MUCH👏 FRIGGIN’👏MORE👏 (give her the galaxy!) than to sit hours upon hours sorting through junk!

Unfortunately, given the longstanding situation and culture of her planet (again, a reminder that the people of Saaman have no problem with this lifestyle), it would be incredibly difficult for anyone to actually voice their opinions of disagreement with Mother’s decisions.

Especially Lala, whose parents are big shots in Saaman and older brother is the poster child/epitome of Saamanian values.

When the majority of your family is so ensconced in societal conventions, it’s not surprising that they would push the “lesser” relative to be more like “everybody else”.

Please don’t make the mistake that this means they don’t love and care about Lala because it doesn’t. It’s so obvious that they worry for her and only want the best for her.

BUT! It’s also obvious that they don’t really know Lala nor can they be considered close to her (she calls her parents by their given names instead of simply “Mom” or “Dad”, for stars’ sake!). 

Lala’s family doesn’t understand her or her unhappiness with her assigned role on Saaman. They’re so content with their own jobs that they fail to see anyone else can feel differently about theirs. So the only solution they can think of to “help” Lala is to push her further into it, believing that eventually she’ll become content.

It’s something that happens to a lot of people and perhaps the reason why Lala left Saaman in the first place. She couldn’t exactly rebel so she ran away from the pressure on her spaceship. Maybe she didn’t intend to be away for an extended period of time but still, she left hoping to search for something that Saaman could not, would not, give her.

Then she fatefully bumped into Prunce and Fuwa running away from the Notrayders, met Hikaru, became Precure and the rest was history (or rather, destiny~).

At least, that’s how I see it.

2) Madoka relates

Y’know, at first, I thought Madoka empathizing with Lala’s discomfort was based on their similar upbringings.

Despite how close Lala and Hikaru are with each other, it’s Lala and Madoka who have the most in common out of all the other members of their team and I’ve been waiting for the writers to touch on that for some time now.

From birth or early childhood at the very least, everything was already decided for them. What they will be when they grow up, what their routines will be every single day, what expectations they’re supposed to fulfill, etc. 

It’s a suffocating position that doesn’t leave a lot of room for argument and what shaped these two girls into having very detrimental perfectionist outlooks before that changed after meeting Hikaru and becoming Precure.

And now that Lala finds herself under stucky circumstances with her family, unable to enjoy the same openness with them as she does with her friends, I thought Madoka was going to try to encourage Lala not to let that get to her. She’s going through the same thing with her own father, after all, so if anyone can tell Lala’s going through a hard time, it’d be Madoka.

But turns out, that’s not quite the case here as the issue lies with them keeping their Precure identities and duties secret from their families instead.

Which is fine because at least Lala still has someone who can understand her on that.

Anyways, it’s a problem because being the upstanding, honest and serious types they are (majimeko) and both coming from families with high reputations, it’s really difficult for Lala and Madoka to not tell the people who are important to them about another part of their lives that is very important to them.

For Madoka, she feels that she’s betraying her father by hiding the fact that her friends, the very first and truest friends she’s ever made, are either aliens or helping the aliens avoid being caught.

For Lala, she’s torn between her duties as a Saamanian and wanting the acknowledgement of her family and community against the desire the protect her friends from the consequences of acting on the former.

And they are right when they suspect things would probably be worst off if they were to reveal that they are Precure.

Sure, they can probably expect to receive some more substantial support from the officials of their home planet (more from the Starscape Alliance than Earth’s government, sorry Madoka)...but at what cost?

The Star team can operate and travel smoothly throughout space precisely because nobody else is aware of who they really are. If they reveal their identities, there’s no doubt they will be targeted to be controlled.

Because sadly and not to get too political or anything, that’s just what governments do. They have to control the situation, they have to think about the interests of their own countries and more often than not, they extremely suck at it and turn everything into a huge mess (and this is just massively simplifying the general for length).

If they let other people get involved, the team’s balance and even their friendship will likely absolutely be affected and strained because no way will the universe at large care about a bunch of girls getting along as much as they do about using them for its own needs.

Which I’ll get more into on Point #3 below.

But for certain, that’s one of the reasons why Lala and Madoka are unable to tell their families about being Precure.

Yes, it makes them very uncomfortable to keep this huge secret...a secret.

But at the same time, it feels even more wrong to expose it because once that happens, nothing will be the same. Nothing can stay the same.

Even if they avoid all the worse case scenarios, the ones who will definitely suffer the most will still be the girls.

Perhaps that sounds selfish because they’re putting their friends above everything else but it’s not like the Star team isn’t also doing their best to keep the villains at bay while trying to save the universe at the same time. And they’re already doing an exceptional job without anyone breathing down their necks about it.

*cough* Sorry, getting off track a bit.

Anyways, the point is, they’re following their instincts this time which is a BIG deal for people like Lala and Madoka who have tendency to lean more towards logic.

After meeting Hikaru, after letting Hikaru teach them about valuable things they didn’t know before, both Lala and Madoka learned that there is much more to the world than the structures built around them.

Sometimes, the right answer doesn’t lie in the data or the rules, cold and fair in judgement.

Sometimes, simply trusting what you feel is just more correct.

Nobody ever said doing the right thing will be easy (in fact, many times, it never is) but the heart can never lie to you after all. And it’s even more dangerous to ignore it and live through the regrets afterwards.

So which would you choose?

Going with what you feel and doing everything you can to get the best outcome? Or choosing the opposite, knowing that doing so, the best outcome becomes more impossible to achieve and you can only hope for the best of the worse?

Eh..my phrasing isn’t very good but you get what I mean, right?

Anyways, it’s just very meaningful for Madoka to be the one to say these words to Lala.

I wouldn’t say she and Lala have completed their personal journeys yet (we still have like 20 more episodes to go after all) but I do believe that this particular moment marks a very significant point in their arcs.

Having been exposed to more of the world out there beyond their own, they would never go back to being the same Lala and Madoka from the beginning.

They are still unsure about whether their choices will lead them to what they’re looking for but they both know there’s no point in looking back. They can only move forward, trusting in what they feel as right.

Which it will be and not just because this is Precure but because it will leave a very bad taste in my mouth if I wrote all that and the right doesn’t end up prevailing. :P

3) The next step...

I’ll give you a straight up “NOPE!” to that, Pops!

Apologies for letting some of my RL views seep into this post (though can you blame me when it’s been disaster after disaster out there?) but I’m positive that “joining” the Starscape Alliance (their terms, not Precure’s), no matter how well-intentioned they are, will hurt the Star team more than benefit them.

Again, cuz it will allow busybodies to unnecessarily butt into their affairs and make things harder for the girls than they already are.

Moreover...

This is just Lala’s boss being an incompetent ass-for-brains idiot but if the Starscape Alliance is anything like him or even thinks remotely like him, then the Star team coming under their control spells doom for all.

Seriously, this is another level of messed up stupid. They just got terrorized by a flamboyant tengu woman and the person he accuses of trying to steal the Princess pen is Lala?! Even though the wrecked video footage is NOT enough sufficient evidence to point her as an accomplice to Tenjou? Even though Lala’s safely holding onto the pen in the aftermath, is noticeably NOT running away with it and showing concern for her boss?

WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCKING FUCK?!?!

D:<

That said, I hope that in midst of all the chaos of next week’s episode, Lala’s family will at least refuse to believe Lala is a thief and try to find a way to talk to her to know what’s really going on.

Because if they can’t even do that and join the chase to jail their own daughter, then I have another concern to worry about and will immediately fly to Saaman, lay waste to it, take Lala home with me and file to adopt her as my own child (don’t laugh).

But seeing how Lala fought so hard, despite her awkward relationship with her family, to make sure Lolo’s efforts weren’t for nothing, I’m sure it’ll be alright.

Having both her parents and Lolo come to understand Lala would be ideal...but if not, then either one or the other. I’m banking on Lolo atm since he’s her twin but he can be the type who chooses the system over his own kin, too, so... 

The screentime we were given just wasn’t enough for me to grasp where each of Lala’s family members stand on their respective relations with her so I can only hope for the best. :/

Ooo, and also, Cancer Star Princess gets revived next week! Yay~! :D 

#i gotta go #spent all morning doing this #star twinkle precure #hagoromo lala #kaguya madoka

[choices-betch]

Lost on You (Mona x MC): Chapter II

Book: Ride or Die: A Bad Boy Romance Pairing: Mona x MC Warnings: Just cursing. Chapter Description: Mona and Lexi come face to face with the realities of past and present. Notes: I feel like this story is going to be longer than 4 parts, but I have commitment issues so I’m not going to sell my soul to specifics. It’ll be as long as it is lol thank you to all who liked/commented/reblogged my other stories! It’s so validating and drives me to want to write more❤️ let me know if you want to be tagged for future chapters!

Tags:  @maxwellsquidsuit @scarlet-letter-a0114 @whoinvitedalx @zoe6111 @pauclaws

Chapter Song: oh my god - Ida Maria

Chapter II: The only thing to do was go

Lexi laid in bed, staring at her closet...the one housing the yet to be opened mystery gift. It’d been two weeks and she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it, but some part of her was afraid to open it. She had been plagued by all the possibilities from the moment she thought she saw a glimpse of Mona at her graduation, but it was impossible. Then she came home to the gift, and it created a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts. She didn’t know why; she’d been waiting years for Mona to do some sort of grand gesture, but a bigger part of her was scared about finding that it wasn’t from her. Realistically, how in the hell would she have gotten a gift and handwritten tag from prison? So instead, she avoided.

With a sigh, she threw her covers off and headed to the shower. After getting ready for the day (and another few glances at the gift), she grabbed her belongings and headed out the door, unsure of where she was going but knowing she needed to be away from the reminders that plagued her. She wandered aimlessly down the streets, lost in thought.

It had been a weird two weeks. She’d had positives, of course; graduating, spending some time with her Dad and Riya (who had to do a same day trip due to work). But she’d also slept with a complete stranger then ghosted in the middle of the night to have a complete meltdown, gotten repeatedly, deliriously drunk alone and swiped right on one too many people she regretted in the mornings, and, as always, she was broke and still unemployed. Only now she didn’t have the excuse of being a student.

As Lexi’s existential pondering continued, she ended up downtown, heading into a coffee shop. After six years of an intensive combined law degree program plus volunteer work, she was fairly certain her insides functioned solely on caffeine at this point. She ordered her usual and headed over to the bar to wait, still distracted by questions of when her life became so complicated again. For years things had been slow, predictable. Boring, Lexi mused internally, her brows furrowing. She was beginning to sense a theme of self-destruction when the waters were too calm that hadn’t emerged in years.

Lexi’s name was called at the counter and she grabbed her drink, thanking the barista with a small smile. Right as she turned toward the exit, she came face to face with none other than Jordan.

God, she thought internally as she stared at Jordan wide-eyed, unsure of how to react. Could this day get any worse?

—-

Mona leaned against a tall magnolia tree, scrolling idly through her phone. She looked up every so often, both ensuring she was safely hidden and to give her a good line of vision, but she’d been standing there for at least twenty minutes and was restless.

“This is stupid,” she grunted to herself with a sigh, putting her phone away and folding her arms across her chest. Why was she even here? When she was about to be released she told herself she wasn’t looking back, and that included Lexi. But then she got that stupid letter which forced her to acknowledge that she had hadn’t let go, and that was infuriating. Mona prided herself on not getting attached, on being able to cut out and start over on a whim, and out of nowhere a stupid 18 year old girl messed it all up.

Mona snapped into focus as she saw said stupid 18 year old girl walking down the street, except now she was an educated, 24 year old woman. And still damn gorgeous, Mona mused. Her eyes followed Lexi’s path until there was a safe enough distance to tail her, then Mona set off in the same direction. Mona was fully aware of the creep factor in her behavior, but she justified it by telling herself she was just making sure she was safe; that she was happy. Whatever that meant, at least.

Mona continued walking behind her, growing increasingly irritated at the lack of awareness Lexi had of her surroundings. Mona could have easily grabbed her on so many corners and nobody would have been the wiser, but Lexi always was far too trusting of others’ intentions and naively confident in her ability to defend herself.

As Lexi approached a coffee shop, Mona stood a few stores down, debating on risking being seen in the coffee shop. After Lexi didn’t come out for almost ten minutes, she thought fuck it and gathered her hair, pulled her hood over her head and placed shades on her face before walking in. Thankfully it was moderately full, so she stood out less. Mona ordered an espresso under another alias, scanning the room for Lexi’s face. She found her sitting at a table with another woman, her eyebrows furrowed just slightly as she chewed on the corner of her lip.

Mona grabbed her coffee and sat at a table in the back corner, blowing on it as she watched the profiles of the two women across the shop. Mona had to laugh at herself. It was almost comical how she continued to allow herself to get in giant messes despite spending her every waking moment not getting involved with anything that wouldn’t directly benefit her. And yet here she was. Former her would have risen from the dead to kick her ass.

Mona continued observing and narrowed her eyes, watching Lexi laugh with a bashful look, tucking her hair behind her ear. She remembered that look. It was a look Lexi frequently got around her. Mona frowned; what the hell was she doing? Who had she turned into that she was following a kind-of-ex around in an effort to “check up”? When the hell did she start giving a shit? Thoroughly irritated, Mona grabbed her espresso and hastily exited the shop, pulling off her hood as she got outside and made her way literally anywhere else but there.

—-

Lexi sat across from Jordan at a table in the cafe, wondering why of all places did she have to walk into this coffee shop. She didn’t want to do this now, or ever really, but she supposed she owed Jordan this much.

“So..” Lexi started, fumbling with her cup as a distraction.

“So…” Jordan repeated, “wanna tell me why you bailed?”

“Not really,” Lexi stated bluntly, her eyes widening as she realized she said that out loud. “Sorry...it’s just…”

“Complicated?”

Lexi grimaced and shrugged slightly. “Kind of.”

“Well, lucky for you I am the queen of complicated, so I probably have a solution to your problem.”

Lexi smirked against her will, chewing on her lip and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she contemplated the offer. She hadn’t been able to talk to anyone about it, really. Riya didn’t ever fully understand the complexities of her actions back then, nor the impact of the relationships she formed. It was an unspoken rule that she didn’t speak to her dad about it after she wasn’t needed anymore.

“Were you the secret love child of a handsome Romanian prince and a commoner mother and therefore your ideas of love are completely fucked?”

Lexi stared at Jordan in confusion then snorted in laughter, covering her mouth. “How many cheesy romance novels have you read in your life?”

“I had to suffer through my mother’s recollection of her Norah Roberts books,” she joked. “Nah but seriously, what’s the deal?”

Lexi started to reply when a flash of black caught her eye. Her stomach and face fell simultaneously, her immediate thought wandering to Mona. She had absolutely no reason to think that could possibly be her, but something in her gut…

“Lexi? You okay?”

Lexi shook herself out of her thoughts and immediately began grabbing her things. “Yeah...yeah, sorry, I...I have to go. I’m so sorry. I’ll...I’ll talk to you later, I swear.”

Lexi ran out of the coffee shop, leaving a bewildered Jordan behind. She looked around frantically, panic building in her chest. What the hell is wrong with me? She walked briskly to the corner of the street, looking every which way again for a figure in black to no end. Lexi snarled in frustration, startling a few people passing her at the corner. She ran her hands down her face and focused on her breathing to gain composure, then headed back home. Clearly she was not meant to be out today.

—-

Mona had no idea where she was headed when she left the coffee shop in a hissy fit, but eventually she stopped walking and caught her breath, scowling at how out of shape she was. TV always made prison look so much more active.

With a heavy sigh she once again questioned what in the goddamn hell she was doing. She came all the way to Oklahoma to see Lexi graduate, cryptically left a gift on her doorstep, tailed her on and off for weeks, and now what? She was just going to take off because six years later Lexi wasn’t spending every waking moment thinking of her? That’s what Mona wanted, right? For Lexi to forget her?

Mona scoffed and shook her head at herself, then pulled up directions to Lexi’s address. She was acting like a little bitch, and Mona did not bitch out of things. With a new determination she headed toward Lexi’s place, hoping she’d beat her there.

As luck would have it, Mona did beat her there. She perched on Lexi’s doorstep and scrolled through her phone for distraction. Mona never was one for patience, but she was sick of having loose ends.

It didn’t take long for footsteps to approach. Lexi was distracted with her keys, not paying attention to her surroundings, as usual.

“How did you survive 24 years without falling into a manhole?” Mona blurted before rolling her eyes at herself. Real fucking smooth. Lexi dropped her keys and looked up, startled, then the color slowly drained from her face. “Jesus,” Mona muttered, standing up and dusting off her pants. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Haven’t I?” Lexi whispered hoarsely, staring at Mona in shock. How was this possible? Had Lexi gone full on psychotic? Was this a hallucination? Lexi rushed forward without thinking and stomped on Mona’s foot roughly, causing Mona to curse loudly.

“The fuck was that for? Goddamn,” Mona hissed, nursing her foot.

“Making sure I wasn’t going crazy…” Lexi trailed off, the shock of seeing Mona in front of her not having worn off enough to realize the hysteria of her actions.

“I think that ship has sailed, sweetheart,” Mona snorted, still grimacing in pain. “You planning on letting me in? I think I need to elevate my foot thanks to you.”

Lexi stared at her, baffled. Was she serious? For weeks Lexi had thought she was completely losing it, seeing glimpses of what she thought was only her subconscious desires in random places, and now she shows up like nothing? Like the last six years hadn’t happened?

Lexi picked up her keys, still stunned, and unlocked her door, leaving it open behind her as she headed toward her couch and sank down. Mona followed suit, closing the door behind her and sitting a safe distance from Lexi on the couch. Mona took in her surroundings, immediately spotting multiple familiar drawings displayed around the space. If she were a good person she wouldn’t have felt some sort of pride in that, but she never was one for taking the moral high road.

“What are you doing here?” Lexi asked, breaking the silence.

Mona paused, taking a deep breath. “Honestly? Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Mona?”

“Ooh, when’d you get a potty mouth?” Mona teased with a wink. “Hot.”

Lexi’s eyes flashed and Mona smirked, lifting her hands up in a peace offering. She sighed heavily,

“I don’t know, okay? I got your letter and...I guess I just wanted to make sure I didn’t get shot for nothing and you hadn’t ruined your life. Again.”

Lexi gave her a dubious look. “And you couldn’t have done that in a response to the hundreds of letters I sent?”

“Writing isn’t really my forte,” Mona replied with a shrug.

“But leaving unidentified boxes on people's’ doorstep is.”

“Ah yeah, how’d you like it?” Mona inquired with a grin.

“I didn’t open it!” Lexi screeched, throwing her hands in the air. She felt like she was completely losing her mind.

“Well that’s rude,” Mona teased, leaning back. Lexi stared at her wild eyed.

“It’s absolutely infuriating that you’re so calm. You know that, right?”

Mona shrugged. “It’s a special talent.”

Lexi’s nostrils flared as her jaw clenched in anger. If ever she had wanted to smack someone into the next century...

Mona looked away and covered her mouth by pretending to scratch under her nose to avoid further triggering Lexi. She was really trying here, but it was difficult to take her seriously when her face looked like that.

“What do you want me to say, Lexi?” Mona sighed. “I didn’t come here to rehash history—“

“Then why. did. you. come. here.” Lexi interrupted, gaze intense. Mona stared back at her, all traces of humor gone from her face.

“I told you, I wanted to see that I didn’t go to prison for nothing,” Mona replied through gritted teeth. Clearly Lexi didn’t lose her annoying persistence over the years.

“Bull,” Lexi retorted, crossing her arms over her chest. “Be honest or get out.”

“Because I still give a shit, okay?” Mona yelled, her face screwed up into a scowl. “Though I’m really questioning why at this point in time.”

“Why now?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I’ve spent the last six years of my life writing to a ghost, Mona. I’ve gotten nothing from you, and I’ve just been...stuck for years, and then you show up and want to chat it up like it’s nothing? I don’t understand you!” 

After a tense moment of silence, Mona responded quietly. “I don’t have the answers you’re looking for, Lexi. I don’t know what to tell you. I’m here now.”

Lexi didn’t know how much time had passed since she got home; it could have been ten minutes or three hours, but she was exhausted. Mona took Lexi’s silence as her cue to leave; she wasn’t going to grovel. She said what she came to say, saw what she needed to see, and that was that. She stood up, running her hands up and down her thighs to get some feeling back in them before turning to stare at Lexi intently.

“Look, do what you want with the gift. Keep it, burn it, use it to wipe your ass. I don’t care. Talk to me, or don’t. But stop straddling the lines for once. Make a decision. You have to take a chance on something eventually.”

With that, Mona dropped a slip of paper on the couch - unbeknownst to Lexi - and left, closing the door behind her with a soft click. Lexi sat curled up on the couch in a daze, losing track of time as she got lost in her thoughts. What had Mona meant? Lexi reflected on the last six years of her life, trying to connect the dots; trying to see how many chances she had missed out on, how many times she had held herself back for one reason or another, and she came to the sudden realization that Mona was right. Even after all these years, Lexi still couldn’t figure out what she wanted; always stuck between the past and present, what she knew and what she wanted but never fully invested in anything.

Lexi stood and started toward her bed, but a flash of white in her peripheral caused her to do a double take. A scrap of paper laid where Mona sat. Lexi eyed it for a moment before curiosity got the best of her. She walked to the couch and grabbed it, unfolding it cautiously to find what she assumed to be the name and address of a bar scribbled inside.

Lexi bunched the paper in her hands, standing still for a moment before walking to her closet. She took a deep breath before grabbing the box from the shelf. She sat on her couch and slowly took the lid off, her breath catching as she looked at the contents. She pulled it out, her fingers running down the plastic protecting the cover of a first edition print of On The Road by Jack Kerouac. Her eyes welled with tears and she closed them, memories flooding back to her.

“God‍‍, do you ever do anything outside of school?” Mona said with exasperation as she entered the game room in the garage, plopping down on the couch next to Lexi and eyeing Lexi’s book. “I mean, aside from jacking luxury cars.”

Lexi rolled her eyes and smirked. “This is purely for fun, rest assured.”

“Nerd,” Mona teased, throwing her feet up on the arm of the couch and resting her head on Lexi’s lap. Lexi paused, blinking at her a few times as Mona grinned in response.

“Uh...do you mind?”

“Not at all,” Mona quipped, settling in further. “Hey, you’re pretty comfortable.”

“Thanks,” Lexi replied sarcastically and rolled her eyes, as if her heart wasn’t beating double time at the contact. Comfortable silence ensued as Lexi went back to reading, Mona still resting her head on Lexi’s lap as she stared at the ceiling.

“Why that book for pleasure?” Mona questioned. Lexi sighed softly, thanking for a moment before shrugging.

“I guess...freedom? I don’t know. I felt trapped for so long. Like I had no idea what I was doing or what my life was supposed to be about. It was nice to escape...to think about exploring what life has to offer, being spontaneous, careless...”

“More careless than being involved in a street gang?” Mona retorted with a raised brow. Lexi flicked Mona’s hair teasingly, earning her a scowl in response. Silence enveloped the room once again and Mona closed her eyes as Lexi went back to reading. Mona hesitated a moment, second guessing self-disclosure as she always did, but maybe she wasn’t as safe as she thought.

“It’s one of my favorites, too.”

Lexi held the book to her chest for a moment before placing the book back inside the box and setting it on her coffee table. She jumped up, walked determinedly to her closet and began grabbing clothes; she was going to be spontaneous and carefree without reservation for once.

#mona x mc #mona x mc fics #mona rod #rod mona #mona ride or die #ride or die #playchoices #choices stories you play #pixelberry

[echodrops]

A random thought I had what if the final “boss” Of Noragami turns out to be not father, but Izanagi. And the guy who set up the Shinto system was the worst Child abuser of them all? (Ebisu and Kagatsuchi could vouch for Izanagi’s propensities) Would that change your thoughts on the Tsukiyomi Theory? I admit I don’t have much to support it. Just I think that in a series that deals with child abuse as seriously as this one. It’s weird that Izanagi would fall off the radar like he does in myth.

Gonna answer two asks in one here, since they’re both about the Tsukuyomi theory.

I’ve toyed around with the idea of Father being Izanagi for a while–there are definitely some connections there:

1) “Father” as a name and a role in the story; as far as dads go in Japanese mythology, Izanagi is definitely the most well-known.

2) The idea of “culling the herd” is so opposite of Izanagi’s stated goal of giving life to 1,500 new humans for every 1,000 Izanami claims that it almost seems to fit with Noragami’s theme of the gods being completely different in “reality” compared to the way humans perceive them (Izanami only wanting friends, Bishamon being a gorgeous lady, not a bearded warrior male lol)

3) The complete lack of mentioning Izanagi in the manga so far has been a bit odd, given that we have seen Izanami and others related to that family.

4) Izanagi does basically deserve “shit dad of the era” award, so if Fujisaki doesn’t have anything to do with Izanagi, then they should totally take it behind the nearest Denny’s and fight it out for world’s worst dad title.

But especially with the events that have unfolded lately in the manga, I’m leaning away from this idea. Mostly because of this:

We’re shown a corpse beside a lake at the same time we’re shown Father holding the woman he (very likely) was in love with. Considering that it appears shinki who die without turning into ayakashi don’t leave bodies behind and we know gods don’t leave bodies, the woman Father loved was more than likely really a human. While I don’t think it would be completely impossible for Izanagi to fall in love with a human and end up standing against all of Heaven for that somehow, that feels like a somewhat unlikely series of events, particularly because it would mean that Amaterasu would have subjugated her own father, which is kind of iffy in terms of the tradition of Japanese filial piety.

We also got a couple more hints about what Father might be over the course of the recent chapters:

Father repeatedly describes himself as being “forsaken” or “forgotten” by Heaven. Yato mentions that “normal” humans shouldn’t be able to use the Koto no Ha. Amaterasu, who clearly knows gods can come back from the Underworld freaks out because she didn’t think there was any way for humans to return. Father can name shinki, possess human bodies, control ayakashi, recognize spells, and battle (almost) on par with Bishamon, the strongest god of war. He knows about the concept of god’s greatest secret, understands the inner-workings of Heaven (aka what determines which gods will reincarnate and who won’t, why Heaven needs humanity, etc.). Furthermore, Father repeatedly expresses concern that Yato won’t be able to reincarnate…

What is the “threshold” for reincarnating? How much belief/how many followers does a god need to really reincarnate? Is being in even one human memory enough, or do you need a ton of people? This isn’t clear. But I do think it’s odd for Yato’s self-proclaimed “lifeline” to be thinking his pet god can’t reincarnate. Maybe it’s because Yato doesn’t have enough followers–or maybe it’s because Father isn’t human at all, and therefore couldn’t help Yato reincarnate even if he wanted to?

Honestly, I really don’t know what Adachitoka have up their sleeve. They’ve done a fantastic job of keeping Father’s identity and motivations a secret–even when they reveal things like the flashback above, the “reveals” tend to bring up more questions rather than answers! There is so much conflicting evidence supporting either side at this point that it’s really just a matter of “We have to wait and see.”

Father could be a human who found some way to seize the powers of the gods for himself, possibly by being a holy man (such as a buddhist monk, I saw a pretty convincing post about this) or just out of sheer hatred for the gods lol. He clawed his way back out of the Underworld with the Koto no Ha, and is now taking corrupted souls aka ayakashi out of hell and unleashing betrayed and upset former-humans on Heaven and the living world.

Or he could be a god who was punished for doing something against Heaven’s rules, was subjugated/killed by Heaven, and subsequently ignored and allowed to stew in his hatred and desire for revenge to become the monster we know today, but I would somewhat doubt whether he really could be Izanagi without anyone having noticed.

Making a long story longer, ultimately I don’t really think that Father is Izanagi, so I personally wouldn’t be leaning on that for the Tsukuyomi theory. (And even if Father was Izanagi, Tsukuyomi and Amaterasu are like… some of the only children Izanagi didn’t treat like shit, so wouldn’t it make more sense for Father to be more directly connected to other children he mistreated aka Kagutsuchi?)

So what about Yato’s fate if his Father is defeated and Yato isn’t Tsukuyomi?

Well, that whole thing hinges on whether or not you believe that Father really is Yato’s lifeline in the first place. If Father turns out NOT to be a human, then the whole lifeline thing would have been a lie in the first place, and Yato will be in no more danger (in fact, significantly less) after defeating his Father than he would have been otherwise.

If Father really is his lifeline, Yato states that he has Hiyori. He’s also becoming an increasingly well-known god with a new official godly name, etc. If Yato continues to do good work with Yukine and increase his status, he’ll probably begin to work his way into the consciousness of the human world and gain enough followers to secure his safety. Hiyori could also establish him as the personal god of her family or something. He has options.

And anyway, as I mentioned in my original post on the Tsukuyomi theory, just because I don’t personally like it doesn’t mean I don’t think it has some basis. I honestly could see it happening–but that doesn’t mean I have to like it when it does. XD

The other thing I wanted to address was the idea of “change” that was brought up in the second ask, which I think is odd, because as far as I’ve seen, one of the number one things that Tsukuyomi theory fans say is that “Yato won’t change even if he is Tsukuyomi!” Like, if we’re talking about the moon god having to do with change, then that’s one thing, but as far as I can tell, the number one defense of the theory being okay story-wise is that it wouldn’t actually cause Yato to change, so…

Just on a personal level, I don’t understand the viewpoint that Yato wouldn’t change significantly if he was revealed to be Tsukuyomi. To me, this is the equivalent of saying “This poor person had amnesia for 15 years… Now they’ve suddenly remembered their entire past, who they were before, and all their previous lifestyle… but nothing about them is going to change, promise!”

Even if we completely ignore the possibility of Yato having to go back to being Tsukuyomi in the future, just revealing that a character had a whole other life is enough to change who that person is in the readers’ minds and how they think of themselves. Revealing that Yato was really Tsukuyomi all along would mean potentially revealing previous relationships with other gods, previous shinki, previous homes, previous worshipers, previous powers, previous attitudes… Unless we just collectively agree to pretend that Tsukuyomi sat in the same spot and never interacted with anyone else for thousands of years, then revealing that Yato is Tsukuyomi would mean revealing that he had a previous life, and that would be a big change in how we view his character–and what his current friends, beliefs, and situation actually mean in the grand scheme of the story.

Honestly I’m kind of confused about the whole thing anyway–people want Yato to be Tsukuyomi… but then multiple people who support the theory say they don’t think it will cause Yato to change, so… People want him to be Tsukuyomi, but not live like, act like, or in any way fulfill the role of Tsukuyomi in the Heavens? Doesn’t that just actually mean “I want Yato to become the god of the moon,” rather than “I want Yato to be Tsukuyomi”?

I just personally can’t imagine any reveal of Yato being Tsukuyomi that doesn’t also include some kind of flashbacks to the person he used to be–or Yato somehow regaining knowledge of his “true self”–and I can’t see how people think this won’t affect who he is and how he thinks of himself. The only way I could see that happening is if Yato actively chooses NOT to return to being Tsukuyomi.

(But in that case, what’s the point of being excited about the theory if the only thing you want out of the reveal is for him to reject that past identity?)

And I mean… are there fans that are okay with the idea of Yato flat out refusing to do Tsukuyomi’s job? Do people really want him to find out who he is and just go “Nah, thanks guys, but I think I’ll just stay Yatogami and let that whole Tsukuyomi thing sort itself out?” To me this seems not only contrary to Yato’s own wish to be a well-known and loved god, but also contrary to his powerful sense of duty.

One of the most central facets of Yato’s character growth has been learning to look beyond his own self-serving ends, to put aside his own wants and needs in order to genuinely serve and help others. From the boy who is willing to kill for praise to the boy who covets money to build his own shrine to the boy who selflessly risks his own life to save a friend in need–Yato’s whole track as a character has been learning to do what’s right, even when what’s right doesn’t have any immediate benefits for himself, such as when Yukine told him to keep killing ayakashi and Yato wondered how that would help him become a god of fortune.

I can’t see Yato in his present state (as a character who has grown to the point of being selfless enough to risk his life to save Heaven from his own Father), being completely okay with ignoring Tsukuyomi’s role or responsibilities. He would be expected to return to Heaven among the other ancient gods. He would be expected to answer the prayers of people at Tsukuyomi shrines. He would expected to conduct himself like a god known by every single Shinto believer in Japan. He’d likely have to like… do something with the moon…??? And I just can’t see Yato looking at all this and going “I think Heaven should just deal with not having Tsukuyomi around despite the fact that I’m technically back.”

I think that if Yato discovered he was Tsukuyomi, he would do his best to fulfill the role he was apparently born to fulfill–and as a reader, I don’t think I’d be happy if he didn’t, if he shirked his duty to humanity intentionally.

If we buy into the idea that the gods exist for a reason–that they exist to fill important roles in human consciousness and life–then I can’t imagine as a reader that I would ever be okay with Yato finding out he’s the god of the moon… And then refusing to be the god of the moon and all that entails. And that would mean that he would change, not gradually, but abruptly. 

So that’s my two cents on the whole “change” and Tsukuyomi theory. As I mentioned before, as possible as I think it is, the whole thing just confuses me entirely from a writing/narrative standpoint.

#noragami #noragami meta #tsukuyomi theory #noragami manga spoilers #yato #tsukuyomi #fujisaki kouto

[ooc-but-stylish]

Now that FFXV is Officially Dead I’d like to reiterate that every good tragedy is earned, not forced through the plot, and FFXV earned absolutely goddamned none of its tragedy throughout its entire story, least of all its “canon ending”.

A well-done tragedy makes sense with the character’s actions; if it has to happen, it happens because of ( or despite ) the character’s best efforts, which requires their best efforts to actually be shown on screen rather than them acting like a bunch of shoddy horror movie teenagers taking stupid action after stupid action. The tragedy makes the audience sad for the loss of a character they’ve come to care for, but ultimately the audience can nod and say “it makes sense”, as the character would have taken no other route because their action is part of who they are and therefore consistent with their character. And again, FFXV has none of that.

FFX had Yuna want to defeat Sin at the cost of her own life because she thought the smiles on other people’s faces was worth the sacrifice, and as she went on her pilgrimage and witnessed the events in Kilika and Mi’ihen, it only strengthened her resolve to defeat Sin so that no more people would die, even if that peace only would last for ten years. Near the end, she turned away from the sacrifice option because she learned it would cost not only her own life but the life of one of her friends, meaning she would sacrifice an additional person that wasn’t aware that they would die beforehand and wouldn’t have made that choice themselves up until that point.

FFX also had Tidus, on a personal quest to return to the Zanarkand he left behind supposedly one thousand years in the past. He learned close to the end of his journey that he was a “Dream of the Fayth”, basically the figment of self-sacrificed religious figures from the actual Zanarkand of a thousand years ago, and that the permanent defeat of Sin would also end his own existence. He was allowed to come to terms with it while he continued to interact with the other characters he was traveling with, then broke the news to everyone in the end and disappeared exactly like he said ( and it was told to him ) he would. Then FFX-2 happens, but whatever.

Noctis, on the other hand, is traumatized and guilt tripped into the sacrifice by a God ( see: BAHAMUT ) that never showed up to help the people/country He was supposedly the patron of ( see: INSOMNIA ) and can’t even land a single hit of its ultimate attack against the One Astral that it’d fought against in a war 2000 years prior ( see: IFRIT ). Then Noctis is held hostage for ten years, unable to interact with anyone else he knows until he “comes to terms” with the fact that he “needs to” commit suicide before ever having actually done anything for his country and the rest of the world. He’s not even doing it to save a specific person in his group that would die otherwise, he’s dying because he owes it to already dead people who gave their lives for him that he’s not even aware of. And even their sacrifices are the result of a lie. 

Would Nyx have put on the Ring if he’d known beforehand that Luna would die weeks later anyway in a completely preventable death ( see: GENTIANA ), and the young king he was telling to “rule well” would lose ten years of his life then die anyway not having ruled a damn thing? 

Would the citizens of Insomnia have accepted this if they’d known that Regis agreed to a treaty he knew was suspect and sold them out for one person who would die anyway ( see: NOCTIS ) and whose greatest act would come only after the world was turned into a hellscape for ten straight years? 

Would Luna have even bothered with all this nonsense if she weren’t being told to do so since the age of 4 by a goddess that proceeded to do absolute fuck all to save her from the worst events in her life ( see: GLAUCA, CALIGO, ARDYN ), and only ever showed up to reaffirm her connection to a boy she first hadn’t even met yet and then later didn’t even know all that well, with all affirmations happening absent the presence of any other adult/elder figure ( see: SYLVA, REGIS, RAVUS, “UNNAMED VIA/NOX FLEURET DAD” )?

I’m not even going to ask about Ignis putting on the Ring, because, here’s the Hellfire take, the “canon” route was him acting a whole fool thereby turning himself into Male Luna, complete with keeping the truth from Noctis about the fact that he’ll die sooner than he thinks, and featuring other hits like letting Gladio act like a socially maladjusted five year old, especially in a train full of people where Gladio’s oh-so-mature rant against Noctis thereby reveals the Prince of Lucis's location among potential enemies in plainclothes as opposed to keeping a low profile. The V2 route was Ignis actually remembering he's the strategist of the group that thinks with his head, bides his time, makes plans, and gathers knowledge before acting, and gets rewarded for that work. Considering he puts on the Ring in both the “Canon” and V2 routes, that he’s willing to give his sight and his life for Noctis is not in question. It’s whether he takes the action too early and effectively wastes it at the behest of Scaly Asshole God and the idle threat of Trash Hobo Jesus that’s the matter.

So in case it needs restating, the “tragedy” in FFXV wasn’t earned in the least and every retcon they kept adding to it, short of negating the deaths entirely, made the “sacrifice” even less sensible.

Luna held Ardyn’s hand for an entire half-minute in Altissia while she was talking to him. Ardyn didn’t seem the least bit affected and slapped her. She died. Then later she showed up from nowhere, despite no evidence or foreshadowing that she would be in the Astral Realm/the Beyond, and touched Ardyn for only one second, which seemed to be enough to significantly weaken him. Again, no evidence she would be there or that that realm was someplace she was allowed to have an actual presence. Then the Retcon Edition decided that she would appear in the realm of the living with her powers perfectly intact, to summon all of the Astrals, even the ones she didn’t personally meet or awaken ( see again: BAHAMUT ). 

So uh, what gives? How is Luna more powerful as a spirit than she was when she was alive? If she could show up on Eos instead of being confined to only the Astral Realm, why didn’t she show up while Ardyn was laid out after his and Noctis’s Battle of Kings to purify him then? Or couldn’t she die earlier than Chapter 9 ( say, during the Invasion of Insomnia? ) and remain in ghost form the rest of the game, if she can do the exact same things in either state anyway?

No problem, she shows up, summons the presence of Astrals she isn’t actually needed for since Noctis had all their Marks already and could call upon them himself. Disappears conveniently, doesn’t show up for anything else her powers could actually sensibly be used for, allows her betrothed to undergo an overblown suicide ritual by ancestor. The game tells us this sacrifice absolutely needs to happen, not really because Noctis wants to and he decided to for the good of everyone, but he’s told he owes it to people. He’s obligated to pay a blood price brought about by actions and events prior to his even being born.

Did this suicide-by-ancestor need to happen at all? Until “Episode Ardyn” comes out, the general consensus ( I su-fricking-ppose ) was that he was supposed to give his life the same way Noctis eventually had to, and simply chose not to and circumvented the sacrifice with unintended use of whatever special Oracle-like gift he had on him. Evidence doesn’t bear that out, though, because the Starscourge was not as bad then as stated in the official timeline of Eos ( “Epidemic disappears with the King’s success” / “the plague subsides by the King’s hand” ) and the fact that the Scourge comes across as a “new life form” to the people of Eos. That, and the Kings that Noctis needed to perform elaborate suicide-by-ancestor literally did not exist in Ardyn’s time for him to be killed with. One of them is his brother, and all the other ones are great/grand/nieces and nephews of his thereafter. So it would be impossible for him to have sacrificed himself like Noctis, but the Scourge was still reduced to such a negligible phenomenon that it needed to be rediscovered in some ancient ruins almost 300 years prior to the start of the game and it still wasn’t weaponized or a huge problem until around 30 years prior to the start of the game, at which point the plague spreads rapidly to the extent that the very soil is infected and mutating frogs and other local wildlife, according to one researcher studying the Scourge ( see: SANIA YEAGER ). 

But then Ardyn also has a plethora of Royal Arms, including the Sword of the Father, and Arms that Noctis doesn’t get at all, so he must have acquired them after all those respective Kings lived and died and were buried with their Arms, but before Noctis could embark on his own trip to gather the grand total of 13. It’s already acknowledged that there were more tombs scattered around Lucis but that they and their Arms are lost for whatever reason. But there’s really no way Ardyn could have had the time to do all that--

oh no, wait, Episode Ardyn’s trailer shows that Ardyn was discovered by a young Verstael about 30-something years ago, and from that point he was free enough to make the presumable trek across Lucis to get all those Arms and vandalize the tombs so that Noctis couldn’t get the same, awaken Ifrit despite not being an Oracle, infect Ifrit with Space Malaria ( see: STARSCOURGE ), and eventually challenge Regis in a Lucian standoff, the same Regis who then has a senior moment in Kingsglaive and forgets who Ardyn is and needs an introduction ( ????? ) to the guy that attacked him years ago when that same guy traipses into the throne room and makes an impossible demand. 

The gods allowed that to happen because of bullshit “Prophecy” instead of letting Ardyn rot or leading the Oracle and King of the time ( see: REGIS AND SYLVA ) toward Ardyn’s prison so they could purify him while he was still weak and emaciated. The gods let the Accursed Enemy fall into the wrong hands ( see: NIFLHEIM, VERSTAEL BESITHIA ), come into power, awaken one Astral ( see: IFRIT ) and kill another ( see: SHIVA ) and gimp their only chance to save the world they claim to care about so much -- again, Ardyn has more Royal Arms than Noctis does, even ones Noctis couldn’t acquire and the player is unfamiliar with ( dat scythe ). Niflheim’s control over the daemons was also bolstered enough by Ardyn’s presence and his contributions to their research, that they released the Marilith to attack Noctis when he was a child and give him a near-fatal injury, which crippled his ability to harness the Crystal’s power to its full potential. This isn’t even speculation, you guys. This is actual ( extended ) canon. Ardyn was allowed to make shit worse for everyone.

Anyway. Noctis had to be stabbed by his ancestors to take in their spirits and then painfully get them out of his spiritual form when he made it to the Beyond … except for the fact that he already had their Royal Arms within him ( he acquired them painlessly the first time around, I should add ), and that the Ring should have all their spirits already within it ( including the Mystic/Somnus who is the Founder King/Ardyn’s Brother and part of the Old Wall ). They shouldn’t even need to enter him twice– they did it the first time when he got all of their Arms, and the weapons are as ghostly ten years later that they were in the beginning, so how are they actually killing him, again?

But, sure, let’s assume they needed to get into the Astral Realm/the Beyond, and had to use Noctis’s corpse/spirit as a ferry ... except not really, because Noctis spent ten whole years inside the Crystal, whose realm is identical to the Beyond where Noctis, Ardyn, and Luna ended up in when they died. They only needed to hitch a long enough ride until Noctis went into Crystal sleep, leave him, then wait for Ardyn there whenever he appeared so that they could stab him to pieces instead of being absorbed into Noctis and then ejected painfully. It’s not like their actual spirits were needed for the Ardyn battle in Insomnia; they didn’t do jack shit to help Noctis in the “Battle of Kings” and they didn’t do anything against Ifrit beforehand either -- and the Astrals didn’t do anything for either fight as well, and mobilized better to take down one measly shield over the Citadel! Lazy jackasses.

But sure, let’s assume they couldn’t simply leave the Ring of Lucii while Noctis was in Crystal sleep ... except the ending clearly shows that part of the suicide ritual involves the Astrals’ spirit forms converging into a portal, connecting the throne room to a realm that the deceased Kings descend from ( you mean like a ... Beyond? ) so that they can then stab Noctis to death with their respective weapons. So the Kings came from this spirit realm ... to kill Noctis ... to then go into the spirit realm ... the same realm that they were already in and that the Astrals had access to ( you could call this, the, I don’t know, the Astral Realm, then? ) ... instead of staying exactly where they were while Noctis transported himself into this Astral Realm/the Beyond via some other method, such as… maybe…. going through the exact same fucking portal the Astrals created that bridged the gap between living and spiritual worlds to begin with, seeing as that’s what it does.

I mean, considering these dead spirits were corporeal enough to stab a living person to death, and then both Noctis’s and Ardyn’s spirits could somehow suffer an additional death while there, dying in the same way living bodies would by either disintegration or repeated stabbing and dissolution, it doesn’t matter if the body in their ghost realm isn’t dead going in, because both ghostly and living things have the exact same level of corporeality and therefore physical effectiveness on the environment around them! 

But sure, let’s assume they needed to appear to Noctis and kill him so that all of them would meet Ardyn in the Beyond ... except for the part where killing Noctis means his spirit is trapped in the Ring, and in the same place all the other Kings are, which is identical to the inside of the Crystal, which is identical to the Beyond, where Ardyn was waiting. So that realm was already in the Ring to begin with, and somehow the Kings could not go into that realm themselves at literally any point during the game even though their spirits were absorbed into the Ring post-mortem and their Arms were acquired any point before the Chapter 13 time skip.

But sure, let’s assume that there was something special about Noctis that required he be with them– perhaps like the Royal Arm of Regis, the Sword of the Father ... except Ardyn also has the Sword of the Father in his Armiger arsenal even when he left Ravus’s corpse with it for Noctis to get it, and he has more weapons besides, and the Kings apparently let him have it because of their blood relation unless otherwise stated ( I mean, did Ardyn use his Villain Sue powers to braaaaiiiinwash them into giving him their Arms against their better judgment? Why would they do that at all? They don’t seem very cognizant of ... anything, to be honest! ), so ... uh, what was making Noctis special? The part where he’s not Scourged? He was attacked by a demon already and sent into a coma, afflicted by something he needed to be taken into Imperial territory to heal from instead of seeing any doctor ( what doctor? ) or Regis using a King sigil for healing magic ( see: COMRADES ) so he’s not immune to the affliction, but he was healed by an Oracle, which, oh hey, uhm, wasn’t Ardyn eventually purified by an Oracle at the end point of his life anyway? Good golly, a shame that couldn’t have happened at any point prior to any of this bullshit happening! 

But sure, let’s assume that Ardyn possessing more Arms than Noctis does isn’t relevant ... so in a hypothetical scenario where Noctis had Ardyn’s Armiger, or acquired more weapons than the 13 he ended up with, how many Kings would he be stabbed with then? Was he meant to hold out against every single one? What if all 113 Kings had Arms, and he found all of them without fail? How long would that suicide ritual take? He definitively died with the last stab out of thirteen, five score more would be ridiculous, and Ardyn could probably revive himself by that point, so ... ?

Or maybe, we can more safely assume that the writing to get Noctis to this point was contrived as fuck and made no sense, where he neither had a real choice to give his own life, wasn’t allowed to live otherwise, no one around him made their best efforts to save the life of their supposed best friend/brother figure/betrothed even if they weren’t actively lying to him by omission or otherwise taunting him into the act, and any alterations to the details of his death or giving it any more thought makes it fall apart.

#ffxv hate #anti ffxv #ffxv critical #ffxv criticism #final fantasy xv #long post #noctis lucis caelum #gladiolus amicitia mention #ignis scientia mention #gentiana negative #this text is NOT for gladio apologists #NOT for luna apologists #NOT for gentiana apologists #NOT for bahamut apologists #NOT for ffxv apologists who think this game was well written #NOT for ffxv apologists that think the canon ending was the best ending #this text isn't even for people who don't think ardyn's powers are getting ridiculous #and that they're coming from fuckoff nowhere #read at your own risk

[thatssomental-blog]

Too Coward for the "Coward's Way Out": Living with Passive Suicidal Ideation

TW: This article may be hard for some to read, but is intended to assist others who may be dealing with passive, or active, suicidal ideations. The following text contains details of suicidal thoughts (without intent) and mentions self harm (briefly, and without detail), in addition to depression and it’s relationship with suicidal thoughts. 

So many people label suicide as the “coward’s way out”. If that’s true, then why is it that I feel like a coward because I could never follow through? Passive suicidal ideation is defined as wishing you were dead or that you could die, but having no intention to take your own life. Whereas, active suicidal ideation means one is not only struggling with these thoughts, but may have full intention, or a plan already in place, to take their own life. Passive suicidal ideation is still a risk factor among patients with depression and suicidal thoughts, and just because you are not planning your great escape from this world now, doesn’t mean you should skip out on your therapy sessions. All that being said, it is very real, your thoughts are just as valid, and you are not alone in feeling the way that you do.

Before I continue, I would like to specify that “wishing you were dead or that you could die” isn’t a reference to how you feel waking up in the morning, before you reluctantly drag yourself to work/school, it is in reference to a very real, deep desire to stop living, that may come or go, or may stay with you incessantly, even on your best days when everything seems hunky-dory. I am specifying this, because as someone who suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, the mental illnesses that myself and others suffer through daily are not meant to be #relatable, just because you like things neatly organized or hate your job/school.

My own struggle with suicidal thoughts is a plague that I can't seem to get rid of. I suffered from them long before I even knew what suicide truly was. I was about 14 when the first thought came along, and I clearly remember it. I was putting away the clean dishes and took a knife from the dishwasher. I stood there for about five minutes straight, just staring at it, and thinking that I could just slash my wrist open and the numbness I’d been feeling for weeks would all go away. I scared myself with that thought, put the knife away, and didn’t do it; I couldn’t do it, and I wouldn’t have done it. I can’t remember any other thoughts as vividly as that single instance, but sometimes they were there, and sometimes they weren’t, and every time I had them I could never bring myself to act on them.

Health care is necessary for a healthy life. In the US healthcare is expensive, whether you have coverage or not. Health Insurance, especially with Mental Health included, is hard to come by. Even if you’re one of the “lucky” ones that manages to land a job that provides it, a good plan for yourself, not to mention a whole family, can easily eat up what little bit of wages you work for, and have to live off of. In the past several years, life has been difficult for me, though it was mostly adjusting to living the independent life, learning how to pay bills, and learning how to take care of myself. Despite all of the challenges and obstacles I’ve faced in that time, I was doing pretty well. Even through the trauma of sudden death, which my family is not equipped to handle, I managed. Within the past eight months, I attempted to better my situation by leaving a toxic work environment and moving on to something new. Unfortunately, by choosing to leave that job I also left what little health coverage I had, and since have had to move on to even worse challenges and obstacles, all with untreated, depression, anxiety, body and gender dysphoria, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If you’ve never been through that, I’ll tell you right now that it is hell, and as petty as I am, I wouldn’t wish anything I’ve been through on my worst enemies.

Factoring in all of the above, with the soul crushing feeling that your whole life and all of your freedom is crashing down around you, like an imploding dumpster fire, it really adds up. In my last few months before moving back home with Mom and Dad, something none of us want to do even if we love our parents with a fiery passion, I was at rock bottom. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but the bare minimum, which made moving day tougher than it already was, and left me feeling hopeless and drained of life. I would lay on my couch for hours, wrapped in a blanket, staring at the wall with an empty mind and heavy heart, it was the worst I had ever been, and I allowed myself to wallow in it, only making it worse.

Even now that I am home, and surrounded by the love of my family, I frequently wish I was dead. I don’t think such things only when everything is going wrong in my life, but the harder times get the more I just want all the pain to go away. I think of scenarios in which I could put myself out of my misery. I own a gun, I have access to others, and medications, not to mention every knife in the block or kitchen drawer that could easily end all of my suffering. But, why is it that despite my desires to no longer deal with life's stresses, my battle with my seemingly, ever changing, gender identity, and my unbridled hatred for the world we live in and the multitude or horrible people in it, do I refrain? Why, when it seems like the only option for peace of mind and escape from the emotions I can’t control, can I not do it? Why, when I wish for the calming embrace of death, do I fear strangers who could kill me in cold blood? Why, if I want to die, did I seek medical attention, without any health coverage, and go to the ER when I legitimately thought I was dying?

Fear of the unknown. I was raised in the Christian faith from a very young age, and was even baptized twice. My mother was raised within that same faith, and my father is an atheist. Despite my current pagan-leaning/agnostic dogma, there is a fear bread into me from childhood that I will burn in hell. Since becoming “woke”, so to say, I have completely denounced the Christian god for what he is. Despite my genuine certainty that this god does not exist, and if he does, he’s actually quite a terrible deity, because of how I was raised, I will more than likely carry that fear of denouncing him and burning in hell with me, for the rest of my life. Religion aside, and taking things from an atheistic perspective, maybe I’m just going into a hole in the ground when I die, but the thought of everything being black forever is also terrifying for me. Even though I am aware that, in this scenario, I will literally not be conscious of my own death, it is almost impossible for me to wrap my head around it, and as someone who has exhibited a very present case of FOMO all of their life, that just doesn’t fly with me. Regardless of whether we go to sit at Odin’s table in Valhalla, or up to a magic golden kingdom in the clouds where everyone is happy and wants for nothing, or we just literally kill over like a toy with dead batteries, no one actually knows until they actually die.

Fear of failure. I have had a very hard time succeeding at pretty much everything I’ve tried in life. No matter what I do, I never feel like the product is good enough. I am my own worst critic, and, on top of that, I am a rage-quitter. If I am not instantly or naturally good at something, I get bent out of shape when I mess it up, maybe I cry, then I quit, and I move on. (Though that statement doesn’t apply to absolutely everything, it applies to a pretty big chunk of things.) One of the greatest fears that keeps me from “attempting” is knowing that if I mess up, I may not recover. Some people are saved at the last minute, and depending on what you’ve done to yourself, sometimes the wounds or the manner in which you’ve attempted will mend. However, if some things are done incorrectly, i.e. putting a bullet in your brain, or a fall that just wasn’t quite big enough to kill you, you may still survive, but there could be permanent consequences such as brain damage, loss of mobility, etc. I’m sure you catch my drift. I suppose this also technically falls under fear of the unknown, because you never truly know what’s going to happen until it does. Sometimes you just have to stop and ask yourself, would you rather be depressed and fully functional to the best of your capabilities? Or depresses and handicapped, and therefore, with your anxious/depressed brain, if it works anything like mine, an even heavier burden on those around you?

Forcing others to suffer. I am very lucky to have an amazing family that is full of love. Even for those of us living a life that others may not agree with, disowning and/or not loving one another is not in our vocabulary. I am very close to my mother and my grandmother, and it would devastate them beyond comprehension. That used to be my only line of thinking, however things have happened and times have changed. Less than two years ago, we buried my grandmother’s youngest child, my mother’s youngest sister, and one of my best friends, who was more like my sister than my aunt, along with her unborn son. Even if I intended to follow through on my own suicidal thoughts, and even excluding the above reasons, I could never force my mother to bury her only child, or my grandmother to bury another grandchild. I also have an amazing SO and friends who would at least be a little devastated, as well.

I just can’t. Ignoring every other reason I have included, I just can’t do it. Despite my fear of death, failure, and hurting those I love most, I just don’t have it in me. It’s not the pain that I worry about, one could easily swallow a bunch of sleeping pills and hope to not wake up, and as much as I hate to admit it, I have physically self harmed before, way back in my teen years. I don’t know how else to explain it, other than I just can’t. I have a huge fear of missing out, if I don’t know all the details of something it will drive me nuts, and I hate surprises. Despite how great it would be to just not have to worry, and despite how hopeless I feel, there is a part of me that knows something better is coming. If I were to take my own life, there are countless things I would miss out on, things I’ve always wanted and things that I may not even know that I want yet. The future is a mystery, and I’ll never find out what it holds if I don’t have one.

Do those things make my suicidal thoughts invalid? No, and though your reasons behind your lack/full intent may differ from mine, they do not make yours any less valid, either.

I am by no means encouraging suicide, though if you ever lose your battle just know that I will never call you a coward when you’re gone. Suicide is the final side-effect of losing your battle with a very real illness, one that may not be visible to even those closest to you.

My parting wisdom is this: Whether you intend to follow through on your suicidal ideations or not, if you take your own life, you will never be around to see it get better. I know it seems hopeless, I personally feel hopeless about 95% of the time, and I know that sometimes it seems like the only escape from not only the world, but your own mind. I really do. I know it hurts, and even if I don’t know what you’re going through, or how you feel, perseverance is the answer, not death. If you are strong enough to make it this far, through all the grief and torment and suffering, then you are strong enough to build your own future. Please don’t take that away from yourself, no matter how much you may want to.

If you, or someone you love is feeling suicidal, please check thatssomental.tumblr.com/resources for a list of suicide and mental help phone lines, chats, and websites.

©thatssomental.tumblr.com 2019

#tw: suidice #tw:death #tw: self half #mental health #depression #lifeline #suicide resources #self help #suicidal thoughts #suicide #self harm #suicide help line #suicide hotline #mental illness #mental instability #mental ill health #anxiety #ocd #actually ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #bipolar disorder #bdd #bpd #disphoria #transgender resources #lgbtqai #lgbtq

[jadekitty777]

Sparks...

Day 1 – First Date for @rwbymlmweek

Summary: Tai’s not really sure how he ended up at one of the fanciest restaurants in town but he’s certain the evening was gearing up to be an absolute disaster. And then his date arrived and the evening wasn’t so terrible after all. [Modern AU]

Pairing: Taiqrow with past relationships mentioned

Rating: K+

Note: I certainly won’t be able to contribute to every day of MLM week as I found out about it too late to properly prepare. Hopefully these quickly written pieces I managed to knock out will still be enjoyable to read! Also, perchance look out for Part 2 (and the rest of the title) of this story later on in the week ;)

~

Tai pulled at his collar nervously as he pushed open the door of the five-star restaurant, feeling utterly out of place the second he stepped into the high-class establishment. It had all the glitz and glamor he would have expected of such a place. Soft lightning by gigantic chandeliers overhead. Tables dressed with silk tablecloths and freshly cut flowers. Picturesque balcony seating overlooking the bay. Piano music being played at the center of the room, creating a gentle atmosphere. And here he stood, in the middle of all this grandeur, in nothing but a twenty-dollar suit and worn out dress shoes. He was pretty sure the silverware they set the tables with was worth more than his house.

The hostess behind her stand gave him a smile, teeth all brilliantly white and her face elegantly painted, voice like liquid honey as she said, “Welcome, you have a reservation?”

Somehow. He thought to himself. Had he not made a promise to see this whole thing through to the end, he certainly would have questioned upper management on how they allowed a twelve-year-old to make an appointment. “Yes. Under Xiao Long?”

She gave her register a quick glance and nodded. “Ah yes, for two. Your guest hasn’t arrived yet, but it will be my pleasure to show you to your table.”

“Thank you.” Tai followed her, secretly hoping he was in some dark, secluded corner of the room.

He wasn’t, but he wasn’t on the balcony either so at least he could count some small blessings. He accepted the leather-bound menu and flipped through it absently, hoping to find the one item in there that was both affordable but wouldn’t immediately tip off his mystery date that he wasn’t exactly well off. Anticipation built as the minutes passed and by the time he had both ordered and gotten his water, his leg was tapping an agitated rhythm on the carpet and he couldn’t stop fiddling with the gold tassel cord tied neatly around his napkin.

Come on, get a grip. Tai chastised, tightly folding his hands on the table and planting his feet. He managed to stay like that for a good half a minute until he was prodding at the teardrop orchids in the crystal vase in front of him. They must have been more delicate then they had appeared, because one touch and several blossoms fell off the stem and scattered along the table. He panicked, trying to quickly gather them up and throw them back in the vase.

And of course, that was the moment his date showed up. “Tai?”

Hands full of tiny flowers, he turned around at that oh-so familiar voice, wide red eyes staring back at him in shock. “Well.” Tai said, lifting his hands towards the other. “This is orchid.”

Qrow stared down at the bouquet and burst into laughter.

~

Ten minutes later found them still chuckling away over a bottle of the cheapest wine they could order. Placing down his glass, Tai grinned across at his best friend. “Alright, I gotta know. How did Ruby convince you?”

“Well the first thing she started to bribe me with was cleaning her room.” Qrow replied, red liquid swirling as he swiveled his wrist. “When I told her no, she says ‘I thought you might say that’ and pulls out this scroll she made. Like, she taped a bunch of notebook pages all together and wrapped the ends around some rolling pins and everything!” He set aside his wine to hold his hands up in a mimic of what the fifth grader must have looked like. “So, she just goes down the list and starts off like this every time: ‘if you go on this date, I decree I’ll-’.” He guffawed, lowering his arms. “It was pretty adorable. I stopped her after, I dunno decree seven or something, but I saw the rest of it later and I gotta tell you, I really missed out. I could have gotten out of Christmas gifts this year!”

“Ah, missed opportunity.” Tai said, clicking his tongue in mock sympathy. “I’m getting free chores for a month and no more acting out in class. I thought Yang was just trying to get me out of the house, but this is even more sneaky. Can you just imagine them planning this all out? I can just hear her now:” He tried to inflict a bit of the youthful punch to his tone that his precious sunny dragon’s always held, “’If our dads go on a romantic dinner date, they’ll fall in love and get married, then we can live together again!’”

His friend lifted up his wine. “To our conniving daughters.”

“I’ll drink to that.” They clinked their glasses together, both taking a hearty swig.

“So,” Qrow started, giving a glance down at the menu, then stage-whispered his way, “What the hell are we going to order anyways?”

It was Tai’s turn to burst into laughter.

~

“You know, I’m really glad it was you.” Tai said, breaking the light lull that had fallen after they had gotten their food.

“What do you mean?” Qrow asked.

He tapped his fork on the edge of his plate, saying more to his dinner then to the other, “It’s just. This. Dating again. I haven’t been able to wrap my head around the idea after – well, you know.” He heard a soft hum of acknowledgment, something bitter in its tone as there always was. While Tai had done his best to move on from the atrocious events that led to his divorce and complete estrangement from Raven, Qrow had never been able to find it in himself to forgive his twin sister for what she had done. He was probably going to take that rage to the grave with him.

“Anyways,” He said, not wanting to focus on that. If he wanted to go back bemoaning those years, he could call back up his therapist. He was sure Glynda would be thrilled to hear from him again (or kick his ass in gear; she was always polarized like that). “I mean, I was really anxious, okay? But when I found it was you, well, it made me feel instantly better.”

“Wow.”

That tone of awe had him glancing up at last, knowing that teasing grin a mile away.  And like a mouse too eager for the cheese, he walked right in the trap. “What?”

“So basically, I’m the only person in the world you feel comfortable enough to date.” He lent forward, pulling on all the charm as he curled a hand under his chin and winked at him. “You flatter me Taiyang.”

“Qrow!” He ducked his blushing face as the other snickered at him. “You jerk.”

He figured the other would take a few more potshots at him, so he was surprised at the soft, “I get what you mean. I almost drove back out of the parking lot when I got here.” Qrow wasn’t looking at him anymore as he stared distantly towards the window, hands clasped back on the tabletop.

Tai stared at the way the other’s fingers absently brushed along his old wedding band, before aiming the other with a gentle smile. “Well. Thanks for not standing me up.”

It took a moment for that glazed look to pass, but when it did the other was smirking all over again. “Well, they do say it’s rude to keep a lady waiting.”

“I swear I’m going to punch you.”

Now, they were both laughing.

~

As they walked together to their cars, Qrow shot him a sidelong glance, saying, “So, I’m thinking if we don’t want our girls to keep playing The Parent Trap on us, we probably should try and make more playdates for them.”

“Yeah, guess you’re right.” Tai sighed, running a hand across the back of his neck. After living together for half a decade, he supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised. Due to all the hardship both their families had to suffer through, Ruby and Yang ended up becoming practically inseparable. Therefore, when Qrow had announced he wanted to move back to his own home, they both knew it would be hard on their daughters. Especially Ruby, whose isolating nature mirrored her father’s. They held out on the hope that it would be the push she needed to break out of her shell a bit more if she couldn’t cling to her cousin all the time.

It was obvious that it was probably doing more harm than good if they were acting out in such a creative way.

“And,” There was a jangle of keys as Qrow dug them out of his pocket, trying to seem busy with that as he tacked on, “Maybe a few more for ourselves?”

Tai almost tripped over his own feet. “Wait, what?”

“Hah, jeez.” He ran his free hand through his hair, trying to hide the shaking. “Calm down, I was just joking.”

He stopped. After a few paces, his friend did as well, turning back for him. Tai waited a few beats before saying softly, “I’d love to go on another date with you Qrow. A real one. If that’s what you really want too.”

“I-… I do. it’s just,” Red eyes averted as he faltered, the inner conflict written all over his face.

Tai crossed the distance between them, laying a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay not to be ready. You know that, right?”

“It’s been five years.”

“And who said there was a time limit?” Qrow’s sigh was so frustrated that the sound of it pained Tai. He could sympathize with how he felt because he’d felt it so many times himself, though undoubtedly on an entirely different level. That pressing desire to move forward but feeling like taking that first step was the most impossible thing to do; a looming uncertainty and shame that weighed on the shoulders from wanting something more; that terrifying finality of leaving something behind that could never come back.

But Tai also knew that once the first step was taken, the next was easier. That by giving into one small desire at a time, the weight slowly would lift. And while some things did get left behind, it wouldn’t leave things as broken as the fear claims it will. Sometimes, it was the only way to really heal.

“Look, no one can tell you you’re ready except yourself.” He continued, knowing from the slight tilt of the other’s head that his friend was listening. “And if you never are, that’s okay too. You’re the only one who chooses which direction your life takes and what you have in it. If you want to have a romantic relationship again, great. If you don’t, also great. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure it’s not holding you back from being happy.”

Some of the tension had leaked from Qrow’s shoulders and when he faced him again, his smile was there, if a bit crooked. “Heh, guess I needed to hear that more than I thought I did. When’d you get so wise anyways?”

“Years of therapy.” He joked. The fact that it was the truth only made it more hilarious.

And while they left the parking lot that night without an agreement of another date, the possibility of what might be someday left an unpredicted but wonderful spark of hope in Tai’s heart.

#taiyang xiao long #qrow branwen #Taiqrow #rwbymlmweek #Chase Firekitten's Tale

[javionxander25]

Now You See Gemma Chan

Moving between blockbusters and indie hits, Gemma Chan has kept one foot in stardom and one in anonymity. But this year, she's going famous full time.

BY ,ALICE WIGNALL 06/01/2021

When is a celebrity not a celebrity? When you’re Gemma Chan, of course – or so says Gemma Chan. ‘I don’t think of myself like that at all,’ she says. ‘My life is fairly low-key.’ What, because you don’t drive a gold Cadillac? She laughs. ‘I don’t live in a mansion, I don’t have an assistant,’ she says. ‘All that kind of stuff.’ Beauty Truths With Gemma Chan by Elle UK Previous VideoPlayNext VideoUnmute Current Time 0:39 / Duration 6:34 Loaded: 25.84% Fullscreen CLICK TO UNMUTE I remain unconvinced, and mount my counterargument, ticking off the evidence on my fingers: one, a starring role in an enormous movie franchise (Sersi in Eternals, part of the world-conquering juggernaut that is the Marvel Cinematic Universe, due for release in late 2020 but Covid-delayed until late 2021); two, a new contract with L’Oréal Paris as an international spokesperson; and, three, another recently announced UK ambassador role with Unicef. Guaranteed blockbuster, cosmetics contract, high-profile charity patron: this is the star-making Big Three; the trifecta of global fame. Come on, I say. This year, your face is going to be everywhere. ‘Er, yeah,’ she says, looking genuinely quite alarmed. MARCIN KEMPSKI Chan's path to this point has been one of steady progress, rather than precipitous acceleration, which is maybe why she finds it hard to contemplate the quantum leap her career is about to take. At 38, and with more than a decade and a half of experience behind her, she’s done it all: BBC bit parts (including Doctor Who and Sherlock) and a breakout TV role in Channel 4’s Humans; high-brow theatre and big-budget films (in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and, indeed, a previous Marvel movie, as the sniper Minn-Erva in Captain Marvel. The two characters are unrelated but, as she points out, ‘I was painted blue for that whole job, so it’s not like I’m very recognisable’), but nothing on a scale likely to upend her life. The closest she’s come to that so far is her performance as Astrid in 2018’s surprise smash hit Crazy Rich Asians, which made $238.5m against a budget of $30m and became the top-earning romantic comedy of the Noughties. ‘[Because] Crazy Rich Asians did so well internationally, I definitely felt a shift at that time,’ Chan says. ‘Like, on the Captain Marvel press tour, not being able to walk through [Singapore] airport. Then again, things have settled and the slight craziness of that time has gone away. I do feel like I can – touch wood – go about my life normally now.’ MARCIN KEMPSKI The biggest impact, she says, was professional: ‘Before Crazy Rich Asians, I wasn’t being considered for lead roles in feature films. There [is] a very select group of actors in that pool and I wouldn’t even get an audition, I wasn’t in that conversation. Whereas now... I’m being talked about for certain things and then you may meet the director, or you at least get to have your shot. So that feels a bit different.’ Her most recent project is certainly the kind of job you can imagine being fought over in casting rooms around the world: hey, how would you like to get on a luxury cruise liner with acclaimed director Steven Soderbergh and a killer cast including, oh, I don’t know, Meryl Streep and make an intelligent comedy drama about betrayal, responsibility and enduring love? Who wouldn’t? But Chan was the one who was picked for Let Them All Talk, which was filmed on board the Queen Mary 2 as it crossed the Atlantic from New York to Southampton. It tells the story of a lionised novelist, played by Streep on magisterial form, en route to collect a prestigious writing award in England, accompanied by two old friends and her nephew. Chan is her recently promoted literary agent, who has also bought a ticket for the crossing, in the hope that she can clandestinely find out what her secretive client’s much-anticipated next book is about. I wasn’t being considered for lead roles in feature films ‘Obviously I jumped at the chance,’ says Chan. ‘It was a dream project.’ Though not a stress-free one: ‘A lot of the dialogue was improvised,’ says Chan. ‘There’s a scene, a lunch in New York with Meryl, which was actually the first scene that I shot. So I arrived on set and the restaurant was full of 200 extras; you could hear a pin drop. I went in and sat down, then Meryl came in and sat down, and we just had to improvise a scene. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a clenched bum! I was petrified. There I am, with possibly the greatest actress of all time, and... “Action!”’ There is an alternate timeline, of course, in which Chan genuinely isn’t famous. If she’d followed the path that her early years suggested, her current life would be, if not stress-free, less likely to include head-to-heads with multi-time Oscar winners. MARCIN KEMPSKI Raised in Kent to Chinese parents, she attended an academically selective school before studying law at Oxford. She also played violin to a high standard and swam competitively at a national level. All in all, the perfect image of a relentless high-achiever, bound for success in a stable career – until she took a post-graduation gap year swerve into acting, at first with evening classes, then a full-time course. Even now – when the gamble has decisively paid off – she sounds tentative when discussing her original ambitions to act. She did some am-dram at school, ‘but never thought, I could do this for a job.’ Embarking on her acting studies, the idea of a career was there, but ‘at the back of my mind’. That might be because this period of Chan’s life was fraught: her parents were alarmed that she declined a training contract with a prestigious London law firm, and thought she was making a mistake. Perhaps she still finds it hard to unequivocally state that the path she chose is not one they initially approved of. ‘The key for both of them and therefore for myself, and my sister, was the importance of education,’ she says. ‘It allowed my father to have a completely different life to his father, mother and some of his brothers and sisters. Both of my parents are immigrants who came from very humble backgrounds,’ she adds. ‘They definitely instilled in me a work ethic from a young age and a sense of, “The world doesn’t owe you a living, you have to make your own way.” At one point in my dad’s childhood, he was homeless. My amah, his mum, raised six kids on her own. They had absolutely nothing, they lived in a shack on a hillside in Hong Kong. I’m one generation away from that.’ You can sense the shadow of the lawyer she could have been when she talks, and almost hear the weighing up of pros and cons she has done to determine what steps to take. Of L’Oréal Paris, she says: ‘I have been a little bit cautious when it comes to brand partnerships and things like that. I wanted to wait till it felt like it was right. [I chose] L’Oréal because the brand stands for uplifting women and empowerment and they have a strong philanthropic side to what they do, such as their partnership with The Prince’s Trust.’ MARCIN KEMPSKI She talks about carefully considering joining the Marvel universe, knowing it could mean giving over a share of the next 10 years of her life (‘You’re not signing up for one film, because they have additional films and spin-offs and they cover themselves’). She chooses her words with utmost caution when talking about Eternals: ‘Marvel is pretty strict about these kinds of things and I’ve got an non-disclosure agreement like that,’ she says, miming a massive wodge of a legal document. She insists that alongside this diligence there’s a flip side to her personality: ‘I have a slightly rebellious nature. I wasn’t always the best behaved and, yeah, I do work hard but I’m also quite chaotic. Hopefully I’ve found a bit of balance but when I was younger I was like, “I’ll leave it as late as I can, then I’ll pull an all-nighter.” That’s kind of the person I was.’ It’s impossible to tell if this ‘rebellious’ streak would register on most people’s radars, or if it was only noticeable in the context of her own – or her family’s – high standards. I suspect you’d have to know her very well to find out, and she’s far too protective of her private life to make peeking through the veil a possibility. Despite – or perhaps because of – two long-term relationships with high-profile men (she dated comedian Jack Whitehall from 2011 to 2017, and has been in a relationship with actor Dominic Cooper since 2018), she doesn’t discuss her personal life. It’s not exactly a state secret – she makes mention of ‘my partner’ when talking about what she did in the first lockdown (volunteering pretty much full-time for her friend Lulu Dillon’s charity, Cook 19, delivering meals to London hospitals) and Cooper makes the odd appearance on her Instagram account – but she’s certainly not going to give rolling updates on her romantic life. Anything I share could become a story on a slow news day ‘Over 10 years, you learn the importance of privacy, what you choose to share and what you don’t. When you start out, you don’t even know what is important to keep for yourself – I didn’t anyway – whereas now I think there are certain things that I absolutely know, “That’s mine and it’s private.” For me, my comfort level is to have a clear distinction between what is for me and what I’m happy to talk about.’ I ask if she’s had any bad experiences with the press. ‘Nothing too horrendous, but some experiences of not having my wits about me. I’m aware now that anything I say could become a clickbait headline – well, on a slow news day.’ MARCIN KEMPSKI (As if to prove her point, in the week that we talk, Jack Whitehall makes headlines in multiple news outlets in the UK – and, indeed, around the world – for making an off-hand comment in an episode of his Netflix show that he ‘could have got married’ to Chan, but he ‘f*cked up my chance of that’. And, given that this was midway through a global pandemic, it wasn’t even a particularly slow news day.) What she's happy to share on her social media – in fact, what makes up the bulk of her feeds – are her thoughts on a range of social and political subjects, from domestic abuse campaigns, to equal access to education, to Black Lives Matter, to protesting against anti-Asian racism. Which doesn’t always go down well: ‘Every time you say anything political, if it’s in the most uncontroversial way, you’ll be criticised for it; you need to be prepared for that. Every time I post something [like that], I lose followers, so it’s probably not the best business sense...’. But she’s not going to stop: ‘I want to highlight things that are important to me but without preaching. I’m still working it out, how to be an advocate in the most effective way.’ MARCIN KEMPSKI I ask if she feels hopeful about the future, given the myriad challenges she mentions. She pauses. ‘I’ve definitely struggled and felt hopeless,’ she says. ‘I think most of us have realised how powerless we are in terms of the day-to- day governing of our [country]. There no longer seems to be any accountability; there’s a lack of shame. Things that a minister or an advisor would have resigned for 10 years ago, now there are no repercussions. That’s incredibly frustrating, especially when people’s lives are at stake. But, I do have hope – mainly because of the next generation. They’re more politically aware than I was, more involved. Often in the media the most boorish voices seem to monopolise headlines, but actually there are decent people who want to make things better for their fellow humans. There are more of them than youmight think. During the pandemic, obviously it was a terrible time, but there were things that sprung up on a local community level of people trying to help each other. That was encouraging.’ Every time you say anything political, you’ll be criticised for it And, of course, last year Black Lives Matter protests pushed questions about race and identity to the forefront as never before. How does Chan feel about her own role in increasing representation as a British Asian? ‘I get moments where I think, I wish we didn’t have to talk about race anymore. In the same way I wish we didn’t have to talk about why it’s unusual to have a female lead. Why is it still the exception? Why is it still so unusual to have half of the human race being centred in these stories? It seems ridiculous to still be flagging that as a talking point.’ She talks about a structure that actor Riz Ahmed has described: on tier one, a minority actor will play stereotypical, reductive roles. On tier two, your race is still prominent, but the character is nuanced and well-rounded. ‘And the holy grail is tier three, where you’re just viewed as a human. But, while we’re still working towards that goal of much more equal representation, it’s going to be something that we have to be more consciously aware of, and it is going to be part of the conversation.’ It’s a classic Gemma Chan answer. I can feel the burn of her frustration, and I see how she’s thought through her best approach. She’s got a goal, and she knows how to get there. MARCIN KEMPSKI As for her own goals – well, there’s a packed schedule ahead: when we talk, she’s about to join Florence Pugh and Chris Pine for director Olivia Wilde’s follow-up to Booksmart, Don’t Worry Darling. Then, when the pandemic allows, there are the delayed back-to-back shoots for Crazy Rich Asians 2 and 3, not to mention the release of Eternals. She’s also set up a production company, which is working on a range of projects focusing on ‘women whose stories haven’t been given their due, who are these unsung heroes of history’. She loves producing (‘You get a bit more control’), so much so that one day it might be all she does. ‘There may be a point where I want to take a step back from the acting side and, if the producing is established by then, that would be great.’ Hmm, I think. The thing about being globally famous is that once you are, it’s kind of hard to stop. But if anyone can manage blockbusters one month, normal life the next, it’s someone with a big brain, a ton of experience and her eye on the prize. Someone a bit like Gemma Chan. So, when is a celebrity not a celebrity? We might be about to find out. Gemma is an international spokesperson for L’Oréal Paris and the face of Revitalift Filler Day Cream. ELLE's February 2021 issue hits newsstands on January 7 2021.

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[zoehodgkins25]

Now You See Gemma Chan

Moving between blockbusters and indie hits, Gemma Chan has kept one foot in stardom and one in anonymity. But this year, she's going famous full time.

BY ,ALICE WIGNALL 06/01/2021

When is a celebrity not a celebrity? When you’re Gemma Chan, of course – or so says Gemma Chan. ‘I don’t think of myself like that at all,’ she says. ‘My life is fairly low-key.’ What, because you don’t drive a gold Cadillac? She laughs. ‘I don���t live in a mansion, I don’t have an assistant,’ she says. ‘All that kind of stuff.’ Beauty Truths With Gemma Chan by Elle UK Previous VideoPlayNext VideoUnmute Current Time 0:39 / Duration 6:34 Loaded: 25.84% Fullscreen CLICK TO UNMUTE I remain unconvinced, and mount my counterargument, ticking off the evidence on my fingers: one, a starring role in an enormous movie franchise (Sersi in Eternals, part of the world-conquering juggernaut that is the Marvel Cinematic Universe, due for release in late 2020 but Covid-delayed until late 2021); two, a new contract with L’Oréal Paris as an international spokesperson; and, three, another recently announced UK ambassador role with Unicef. Guaranteed blockbuster, cosmetics contract, high-profile charity patron: this is the star-making Big Three; the trifecta of global fame. Come on, I say. This year, your face is going to be everywhere. ‘Er, yeah,’ she says, looking genuinely quite alarmed. MARCIN KEMPSKI Chan's path to this point has been one of steady progress, rather than precipitous acceleration, which is maybe why she finds it hard to contemplate the quantum leap her career is about to take. At 38, and with more than a decade and a half of experience behind her, she’s done it all: BBC bit parts (including Doctor Who and Sherlock) and a breakout TV role in Channel 4’s Humans; high-brow theatre and big-budget films (in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and, indeed, a previous Marvel movie, as the sniper Minn-Erva in Captain Marvel. The two characters are unrelated but, as she points out, ‘I was painted blue for that whole job, so it’s not like I’m very recognisable’), but nothing on a scale likely to upend her life. The closest she’s come to that so far is her performance as Astrid in 2018’s surprise smash hit Crazy Rich Asians, which made $238.5m against a budget of $30m and became the top-earning romantic comedy of the Noughties. ‘[Because] Crazy Rich Asians did so well internationally, I definitely felt a shift at that time,’ Chan says. ‘Like, on the Captain Marvel press tour, not being able to walk through [Singapore] airport. Then again, things have settled and the slight craziness of that time has gone away. I do feel like I can – touch wood – go about my life normally now.’ MARCIN KEMPSKI The biggest impact, she says, was professional: ‘Before Crazy Rich Asians, I wasn’t being considered for lead roles in feature films. There [is] a very select group of actors in that pool and I wouldn’t even get an audition, I wasn’t in that conversation. Whereas now... I’m being talked about for certain things and then you may meet the director, or you at least get to have your shot. So that feels a bit different.’ Her most recent project is certainly the kind of job you can imagine being fought over in casting rooms around the world: hey, how would you like to get on a luxury cruise liner with acclaimed director Steven Soderbergh and a killer cast including, oh, I don’t know, Meryl Streep and make an intelligent comedy drama about betrayal, responsibility and enduring love? Who wouldn’t? But Chan was the one who was picked for Let Them All Talk, which was filmed on board the Queen Mary 2 as it crossed the Atlantic from New York to Southampton. It tells the story of a lionised novelist, played by Streep on magisterial form, en route to collect a prestigious writing award in England, accompanied by two old friends and her nephew. Chan is her recently promoted literary agent, who has also bought a ticket for the crossing, in the hope that she can clandestinely find out what her secretive client’s much-anticipated next book is about. I wasn’t being considered for lead roles in feature films ‘Obviously I jumped at the chance,’ says Chan. ‘It was a dream project.’ Though not a stress-free one: ‘A lot of the dialogue was improvised,’ says Chan. ‘There’s a scene, a lunch in New York with Meryl, which was actually the first scene that I shot. So I arrived on set and the restaurant was full of 200 extras; you could hear a pin drop. I went in and sat down, then Meryl came in and sat down, and we just had to improvise a scene. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a clenched bum! I was petrified. There I am, with possibly the greatest actress of all time, and... “Action!”’ There is an alternate timeline, of course, in which Chan genuinely isn’t famous. If she’d followed the path that her early years suggested, her current life would be, if not stress-free, less likely to include head-to-heads with multi-time Oscar winners. MARCIN KEMPSKI Raised in Kent to Chinese parents, she attended an academically selective school before studying law at Oxford. She also played violin to a high standard and swam competitively at a national level. All in all, the perfect image of a relentless high-achiever, bound for success in a stable career – until she took a post-graduation gap year swerve into acting, at first with evening classes, then a full-time course. Even now – when the gamble has decisively paid off – she sounds tentative when discussing her original ambitions to act. She did some am-dram at school, ‘but never thought, I could do this for a job.’ Embarking on her acting studies, the idea of a career was there, but ‘at the back of my mind’. That might be because this period of Chan’s life was fraught: her parents were alarmed that she declined a training contract with a prestigious London law firm, and thought she was making a mistake. Perhaps she still finds it hard to unequivocally state that the path she chose is not one they initially approved of. ‘The key for both of them and therefore for myself, and my sister, was the importance of education,’ she says. ‘It allowed my father to have a completely different life to his father, mother and some of his brothers and sisters. Both of my parents are immigrants who came from very humble backgrounds,’ she adds. ‘They definitely instilled in me a work ethic from a young age and a sense of, “The world doesn’t owe you a living, you have to make your own way.” At one point in my dad’s childhood, he was homeless. My amah, his mum, raised six kids on her own. They had absolutely nothing, they lived in a shack on a hillside in Hong Kong. I’m one generation away from that.’ You can sense the shadow of the lawyer she could have been when she talks, and almost hear the weighing up of pros and cons she has done to determine what steps to take. Of L’Oréal Paris, she says: ‘I have been a little bit cautious when it comes to brand partnerships and things like that. I wanted to wait till it felt like it was right. [I chose] L’Oréal because the brand stands for uplifting women and empowerment and they have a strong philanthropic side to what they do, such as their partnership with The Prince’s Trust.’ MARCIN KEMPSKI She talks about carefully considering joining the Marvel universe, knowing it could mean giving over a share of the next 10 years of her life (‘You’re not signing up for one film, because they have additional films and spin-offs and they cover themselves’). She chooses her words with utmost caution when talking about Eternals: ‘Marvel is pretty strict about these kinds of things and I’ve got an non-disclosure agreement like that,’ she says, miming a massive wodge of a legal document. She insists that alongside this diligence there’s a flip side to her personality: ‘I have a slightly rebellious nature. I wasn’t always the best behaved and, yeah, I do work hard but I’m also quite chaotic. Hopefully I’ve found a bit of balance but when I was younger I was like, “I’ll leave it as late as I can, then I’ll pull an all-nighter.” That’s kind of the person I was.’ It’s impossible to tell if this ‘rebellious’ streak would register on most people’s radars, or if it was only noticeable in the context of her own – or her family’s – high standards. I suspect you’d have to know her very well to find out, and she’s far too protective of her private life to make peeking through the veil a possibility. Despite – or perhaps because of – two long-term relationships with high-profile men (she dated comedian Jack Whitehall from 2011 to 2017, and has been in a relationship with actor Dominic Cooper since 2018), she doesn’t discuss her personal life. It’s not exactly a state secret – she makes mention of ‘my partner’ when talking about what she did in the first lockdown (volunteering pretty much full-time for her friend Lulu Dillon’s charity, Cook 19, delivering meals to London hospitals) and Cooper makes the odd appearance on her Instagram account – but she’s certainly not going to give rolling updates on her romantic life. Anything I share could become a story on a slow news day ‘Over 10 years, you learn the importance of privacy, what you choose to share and what you don’t. When you start out, you don’t even know what is important to keep for yourself – I didn’t anyway – whereas now I think there are certain things that I absolutely know, “That’s mine and it’s private.” For me, my comfort level is to have a clear distinction between what is for me and what I’m happy to talk about.’ I ask if she’s had any bad experiences with the press. ‘Nothing too horrendous, but some experiences of not having my wits about me. I’m aware now that anything I say could become a clickbait headline – well, on a slow news day.’ MARCIN KEMPSKI (As if to prove her point, in the week that we talk, Jack Whitehall makes headlines in multiple news outlets in the UK – and, indeed, around the world – for making an off-hand comment in an episode of his Netflix show that he ‘could have got married’ to Chan, but he ‘f*cked up my chance of that’. And, given that this was midway through a global pandemic, it wasn’t even a particularly slow news day.) What she's happy to share on her social media – in fact, what makes up the bulk of her feeds – are her thoughts on a range of social and political subjects, from domestic abuse campaigns, to equal access to education, to Black Lives Matter, to protesting against anti-Asian racism. Which doesn’t always go down well: ‘Every time you say anything political, if it’s in the most uncontroversial way, you’ll be criticised for it; you need to be prepared for that. Every time I post something [like that], I lose followers, so it’s probably not the best business sense...’. But she’s not going to stop: ‘I want to highlight things that are important to me but without preaching. I’m still working it out, how to be an advocate in the most effective way.’ MARCIN KEMPSKI I ask if she feels hopeful about the future, given the myriad challenges she mentions. She pauses. ‘I’ve definitely struggled and felt hopeless,’ she says. ‘I think most of us have realised how powerless we are in terms of the day-to- day governing of our [country]. There no longer seems to be any accountability; there’s a lack of shame. Things that a minister or an advisor would have resigned for 10 years ago, now there are no repercussions. That’s incredibly frustrating, especially when people’s lives are at stake. But, I do have hope – mainly because of the next generation. They’re more politically aware than I was, more involved. Often in the media the most boorish voices seem to monopolise headlines, but actually there are decent people who want to make things better for their fellow humans. There are more of them than youmight think. During the pandemic, obviously it was a terrible time, but there were things that sprung up on a local community level of people trying to help each other. That was encouraging.’ Every time you say anything political, you’ll be criticised for it And, of course, last year Black Lives Matter protests pushed questions about race and identity to the forefront as never before. How does Chan feel about her own role in increasing representation as a British Asian? ‘I get moments where I think, I wish we didn’t have to talk about race anymore. In the same way I wish we didn’t have to talk about why it’s unusual to have a female lead. Why is it still the exception? Why is it still so unusual to have half of the human race being centred in these stories? It seems ridiculous to still be flagging that as a talking point.’ She talks about a structure that actor Riz Ahmed has described: on tier one, a minority actor will play stereotypical, reductive roles. On tier two, your race is still prominent, but the character is nuanced and well-rounded. ‘And the holy grail is tier three, where you’re just viewed as a human. But, while we’re still working towards that goal of much more equal representation, it’s going to be something that we have to be more consciously aware of, and it is going to be part of the conversation.’ It’s a classic Gemma Chan answer. I can feel the burn of her frustration, and I see how she’s thought through her best approach. She’s got a goal, and she knows how to get there. MARCIN KEMPSKI As for her own goals – well, there’s a packed schedule ahead: when we talk, she’s about to join Florence Pugh and Chris Pine for director Olivia Wilde’s follow-up to Booksmart, Don’t Worry Darling. Then, when the pandemic allows, there are the delayed back-to-back shoots for Crazy Rich Asians 2 and 3, not to mention the release of Eternals. She’s also set up a production company, which is working on a range of projects focusing on ‘women whose stories haven’t been given their due, who are these unsung heroes of history’. She loves producing (‘You get a bit more control’), so much so that one day it might be all she does. ‘There may be a point where I want to take a step back from the acting side and, if the producing is established by then, that would be great.’ Hmm, I think. The thing about being globally famous is that once you are, it’s kind of hard to stop. But if anyone can manage blockbusters one month, normal life the next, it’s someone with a big brain, a ton of experience and her eye on the prize. Someone a bit like Gemma Chan. So, when is a celebrity not a celebrity? We might be about to find out. Gemma is an international spokesperson for L’Oréal Paris and the face of Revitalift Filler Day Cream. ELLE's February 2021 issue hits newsstands on January 7 2021.

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