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maschotch · 2 years

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Random ask but I was just thinking about how weird it was that hotch didn't immediatly call Hailey and tell her and Jack to get out of the mall in that one episode were a bomb was going to go off? (2×10) he did eventually but it always struck me as odd that he needed Derek to tell him to do it... such a big part of him is how protective he is of everyone around him and I feel like that should be even stronger with Jack, but it collides with his sense of justice and faith in the system and rules, so he hesitates, even when it could mean Hailey and Jack die in that mall. It would make sense if his sense of duty combated with his protectivness, but in episodes later he expressly breaks protocol repeatedly to help members of the team. He goes so far as to say "I don't care about protocol" when Garcia is shot, but it happens with Emily in minimal loss, Rossi, reid, ect. He breaks protocol to protect them repeatedly, it seems so strange and inconsistent that he wouldn't do the same for his son, who he loves more than anything.

I'd like to say it was a one off thing but it happens again in amplification when he tells jj not to call will and Henry. Same situation. I know jj was annoying in that episode but it was the same dilemma were she's in a position to save her families life and hotch is firmly against her taking any action. Another time he tells Emily that "this is the job, and I need to know you can be objective" when she considers adopting a foster girl... idk it might be the writers fucking up his character [again] but he does some things that are very protective of Jack but in other ways is more protective of his team than his son. It just doesn't make sense with his values, he may place too much importance on the job sometimes but at the cost of his sons life? At the cost of haileys? Eventually he does break protocol in 100. He literally kills someone to protect Jack, which I like to think is him learning in some weird way, but I also think it might be a bit of a mischaracterization on what hotch shows his values really are. Thoughts?

hmmm i dont really think its mischaracterization as much as its his conflict with different values. he’s protective, sure, but he values JusticeTM more. which is why in lessons learned/amplification, he knows its wrong to reach out to warn his family because its not fair to others who share equal risk.

but i dont think thats necessarily contradictory to his resolve to catch garcia’s shooter in penelope. its focusing on one case, but its a different circumstance than only certain people who may be in danger, if that makes sense? i guess you could argue theyre sacrificing time they could be so ending solving some other crimes, but its not as explicitly unfair as giving one person a warning and leaving everyone else to chance. idk if im really explaining it right akdhskdh but i dont think you can judge both situations equally

over time, i think he starts to prioritize protecting people he cares about over protocol, and i think that has a lot to do with the way 100 played out. he knew he would be under scrutiny with the foyet case, and he needed to let someone else make as many of the decisions as possible, well aware of how strauss would try to twist this around and pin whatever happened on him. so hotch let derek make a lot of the calls that day. and i mean… hotch respects and trusts derek, which is why he went along with him even if he disagreed (like when to burst into foyets apartment). but ultimately derek was wrong and that precious time they wasted waiting mightve been enough to save haley if hotch didnt have to wait on someone else’s decision. hotch doesnt blame morgan, but i think he blames himself for hesitating when he knew he shouldnt have

after that, we see hotch take a lot more risks when trying to protect people he cares about when they’re in danger. faking emily’s death without telling any of his superiors, defying the director’s orders and continuing to dig into jj’s secret work, etc. he’s had this running conflict throughout the show between family and work… he’s lost his family family by now, so now he’ll do anything he can to keep his work family safe. his dedicated adherence to rules and regulation slips away as he realizes he doesnt want to live with regrets just because he was worried about following orders

but again, i think the lessons learned/amplification circumstance is different. im not sure if post100 hotch would make a different decision… bc its not just “putting my family above protocol” anymore, now its “putting my family above other people’s families” and thats a line im not sure he’s crossed yet.

akxhakhd anyway i dont really think its a mischaracterization of hotch’s values. i think its an adjustment of his values as he goes through these different tragedies and tries to figure out how far he’s willing to go to save the people he cares about. for the others, like derek and emily, its not really a question bc to them nothing matters more than protecting people they love (or protocol matters so little that its not even a concern, in emily’s case) but w hotch its a little more complicated

#i also think its an extreme oversimplification to point out decisions made under drastically different circumstances and call it inconsisten #cy #asks #idk lahdkshd i dont think i explained this well #but its hard bc there are so many different reasons that go into all the stuff you pointed out #theres more going on #its not just ‘does he care about his family or not’

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drarrily-we-row-along · 3 years

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Veritaserum Prompt Part 2

(Alrighty, friends! Here's part two of the Veritaserum prompt ficlet! I hope you enjoy.)

Harry had no idea what he was doing.

And to be fair, this was not an uncommon occurrence in his life. After everything that he'd done, everything that he'd been through, you'd think that he would be used to flying by the seat of his pants by now.

But this, Harry thought to himself as he stared at Draco Malfoy devouring a salad with chicken and fresh strawberries across from him at the island in the kitchen, was really not the plan.

The plan had been to find out where they were keeping Malfoy. The plan had been to find out how he was being treated and document it. The plan had been to put together a report demanding his release, demanding that Draco Malfoy be pardoned.

One look at him in that blasted cage and Harry's resolve to go through the correct channels was obliterated.

Hermione was going to kill him.

"I'm having trouble believing this is real," Malfoy confessed and frankly, Harry could sympathize. "I'm not sure if the way you're staring at me like you can't believe this is real either is helping or making it worse."

"This was not the plan," Harry finally said.

"Sorry?"

"I think I've made things worse," Harry confessed.

(Read more below the cut)

"Trust me, Potter, this is definitely not worse."

Harry winced, "In the short term, I agree with you," he said. "I agree completely. In the long term," he rubbed his hands over his face, "There was a plan. With lawyers and trials, with an actual fair trial, with you being tried as a minor because you were. A plan with a demand for your pardon and release."

"It wouldn't have made a difference," Malfoy said, glancing longingly at the salad bowl.

"Please have more if you're hungry," Harry said, nudging the bowl toward him and wasn't this all a bit surreal. "What do you mean it wouldn't have made a difference?"

Malfoy huffed as he scooped more salad onto his plate. "They never would have let me go."

"But Hermione says-"

"Yes," he interrupted, "Granger is brilliant, the brightest witch of our generation, but she also is on the side that won. You lot can have hope because what you wanted happened."

"So what you wanted didn't?"

Malfoy shook his head, "I mean obviously I wanted you to defeat Voldemort. What kind of idiot would I have to be to want him to stay in power? Even the people who followed him were miserable. But I was never under any delusions that my life would turn out fine."

"But we won," Harry said, "You shouldn't be punished unjustly."

"What do you think a just punishment would be?" Malfoy asked, popping a strawberry into his mouth.

"Community service," Harry replied readily, he'd thought this through already. "Maybe a few years of probation with wand monitoring."

"People died because of me, Potter," Malfoy said incredulously.

"You didn't kill them," he said.

"Semantics," Malfoy said, waving his hand.

"You didn't want anyone to get hurt. Dumbledore said-"

"Dumbledore was a fool!" he exploded. "Of course I didn't want to hurt anyone! Of course I didn't want to get the bloody dark mark! But I had to or he would have killed me and my mother. And I know you think the right choice would have been to sacrifice myself, to sacrifice my mother-"

"I didn't say that!" Harry protested.

Malfoy shook his head, "You don't have to because you lived it. You literally died, Potter."

"I mean, fine," Harry conceded. "If you're asking me to die myself, fine. It's literally what I was raised to do, it's literally the point of me. But if you'd asked me to sacrifice a single person I love," he shook his head. "I don't know what I would have done to save myself the pain of loss, to save my friends and family from the pain of that loss."

The other man stared at him for a long moment, "There is so much to unpack in that statement that I honestly don't know where to start." He shook his head, "Look, I'm grateful. Really. I didn't think I'd ever see the sun again, or taste fresh fruit, or drink clean water-"

Something clenched in Harry's stomach, "It's not fair."

Malfoy laughed, it wasn't mean or judgmental, but it was sad, "Potter, when has life ever been fair to you?"

Harry was a bit taken aback by that statement.

Before he could find the words to reply, "I'm just trying to say thank you for bringing me here. And to say I'll understand when you tell me I have to go back."

"It's not happening," Harry said fiercely.

"You've made yourself a criminal, Potter. You can't go back until you give me back to them."

"We'll clear your name," he said stubbornly.

Malfoy gave him a pitying glance, then seemingly decided to give it up. "Can I go outside?" he asked.

"Yeah," Harry said, "Of course. There's a ward set up around the property, but it's about half a mile in any direction. It won't let anyone in or out," he added.

"I won't go far," Malfoy promised.

"Oh, one more thing," Harry said, "One second." He ran back to his bedroom and fetched Malfoy's wand. "Here," he said, thrusting it out to the other man.

Malfoy stared at him, "You're giving me my wand?" he asked as though Harry was doing something inconceivable.

"Yeah," Harry said. "Yeah, of course I am."

"I could kill you in your sleep."

Harry cocked his head at him, "But why would you?"

"You're not very good at having enemies," Malfoy responded.

"You're not very good at being my enemy," Harry replied. "And honestly? I'm tired of having enemies, so if you want to off me just," he shrugged, "Do it."

Malfoy cautiously reached out and accepted his wand, tension draining from his shoulders the moment he touched it, "Circe, that feels good," he murmured. "I won't," he added, looking up at Harry then. "I won't hurt you."

"I know," Harry replied as he stepped back and headed over to start cleaning up the table.

"You're stranger than I remember."

Harry snorted, "Having an extra soul removed from your body will do that to you."

Malfoy was quiet for a long moment, probably trying to process that weird little tidbit that Harry didn't even always understand. "Do you want help cleaning up?" he finally asked.

"No," Harry said, shaking his head and glancing up at the other man, "Go outside. Enjoy the sun."

Malfoy stared at him for another moment like he couldn't believe this was actually happening before turning and heading out into the sand. Harry watched through the window as Malfoy spread his arms and tilted his head back to the sunlight, a smile on his face. It made him want to cry.

After another moment, he turned and made his way to the writing desk to pen a letter to send to Hermione that she could deliver to Kingsley.

Dear Kingsley, The conditions in which I found Draco Malfoy were so appallingly unacceptable that I deemed it necessary to remove him immediately. I'm sending along my findings on his living conditions in an official report with this letter along with any of the records that I managed to obtain from the unspeakables regarding the illegal activities, bordering on torture, that were performed. I will not be returning him to the unspeakables under any circumstances. Draco Malfoy will remain in my custody until he is granted an official Ministry Pardon. His time served in inhumane living conditions ought to make up for any lack of official punishment. I will also be remaining off the grid until Draco Malfoy has been granted the Ministry's Pardon. We both know that fundraiser season is approaching, so I hope you are able to sort this out as soon as possible so I can return to my work. Helping charitable organizations to function and serve those still suffering is important to me. You may send any correspondence to me via Ron Weasley or Hermione Granger. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Sincerely, Harry Potter

Harry read through the letter once more, making sure he'd been clear enough. Then he attached the letter to the official reports he'd written up and attached it to Mel's leg. She was a lovely parrot and they assured him that she would do just as well as any owl could. "Off you go," he murmured. "Take these to Hermione but be sure to rest on the way, yes?"

She nibbled his finger and he gave her a treat before she flew off.

He glanced out the window at Malfoy who was laying in the sand, soaking up the sun, and hoped that Kingsley would get back to him with a pardon before Malfoy realized that he was just as much a prisoner here as he was in the Department of Mysteries.

---------

Veritaserum Part 1 | Veritaserum Part 3 | Veritaserum Part 4 | Veritaserum Part 5 |

Are you guys interested in reading another part of this fic? Drop me a comment or send me an ask, if you'd like to read more. (or if you'd like to be tagged in the next part.)

I'm tagging anyone who said they wanted to read a part two below!

@gaygirldrarryblog, @londonthunderr, @tardis-221b, @nv-md, @chinike, @somevelvetmorniing, @drarrywritar, @rheya1864

@ellietheslytherin, @wistfulwonders, @textrovert-01, @thegirlwiththelibrarybag, @april-thelightfury115, @ottersmallpaws, @kittycargo @wheezykat, @missdrarrydawn, @dewitty1, @flightytemptress27, @wunderseltsam, @malicioussheep, @curlyy-hair-dont-care, @moonstruckwitch, @buttered-baguette

#drarry #100 drarry drabbles in 100 days #sort of part of the 100 drabbles #drarry ficlet #veritaserum part 2 #drarry drabble #Are you interested in reading another part of this fic?#developing friendship #Veritaserum prompt fic

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whisperingrockers · 4 years

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would u. i dunno. perhaps articulate some thots on toh infinity train au 😳 if u can

HM. i will do my best. but...i dont really know how to organize my thoughts. i guess i should probably just start with the characters and go from there, huh. also in this particular au these characters don’t actually take the place of tulip, lake, jesse, grace, etc- i think they’re all just there under different circumstances.

Luz

okay so we’ll start with Luz because. she’s the main character, y’know. very important. i think the catalyst that brings her to the train is her mother signing her up for Reality Check summer camp because as a creative it’s just! disheartening to have someone you love tell you that you’re not going to make it in this world if you don’t conform to what everyone else wants. so of course when a huge mysterious locomotive suddenly pulls up to the bus stop you KNOW luz gets on, no hesitation. after all, isn’t that something right out of a sci-fi adventure novel?

unlike tulip, luz is THRILLED to find herself on some unknowable train where each car is a new adventure just waiting to happen, where there are always new friends to make, new places to see, and tons of puzzles to solve? she’s made to feel like the protagonist right out one of her fave animes.

also, really important to note that her number is probably tied to how she relates to the other passengers on the train. i feel like there’s an overarching theme in the show about how luz is going through a lot of firsts when it comes to interpersonal relationships, especially friendships, so i wanted to keep that going in this au- i imagine her number goes up when she finds her friends tapes and convinces them to watch with her because this is obviously the easiest and most straightforward way to get to know them! (luz poppin that bad boy into a vcr player: this mama is ready for trauma!)

realized how wordy this is going to be LOL

Eda

hough so this is a human au also (i assume? infinity train world really do be existing in some limbo state of reality where your reflection can just up and ditch you). i see her as a jack of all trades, master of none type, with a lean towards perfumes and handmade soaps that she sells at fairs or farmers markets and also pickpocketing. i think she sees something that reminds her of the life she used to have/would have had before lilith [redacted because i do not know what she DID yet but on GOD we will have canon continuity] and that drives her to get on the next train headed anywhere.

her number is tied to how much she allows herself to open up; the more she uses her salesman cover to keep others at arms length, the higher her number goes, which is why it’s so important for her to team up with King and Luz; they help her open up and be more honest with herself.

King

king is actually a denizen of the train in this au; i love him too much to turn him into a real ass dog, so i wont. eda meets him in a car full of plush toys, which he refers to lovingly as his army of the damned. i almost want to hold off on writing up any more for him because i know there’s more to king’s character than meets the eye. still torn between eda trying to bring him off the train with her or having him realize that the whole TRAIN is HIS KINGDOM, and all its passengers loyal peons who need their mighty rulers HELP, for without him they would PERISH.

for now though eda sees him and is immediately like get over here (reaching emoji)

Willow

willow is a tough one for me because in all honesty having your longtime friend tell you out of the blue that they can’t be friends with you anymore would be enough to send me packing to the train, but with willow i think it’s less about amity and more about how the fallout between them affects her social and academic success. the frustration reaches a tipping point that has her running out of the classroom and finding the train.

and yes, willow is a very sensible, bright girl, but she was also SO ready to trick the principle and steal from the emperor for her friend so i don’t think getting on a mystery train is wholly out of the question for her, y’know?

There’s a lot about repression in the way willow deals with things generally, so her number is tied to passivity. the more she allows others to infringe on her personal boundaries to keep them placated, the higher her number goes. when she stands up for herself to others (sometimes even her friends!) the number goes up. willow x agency and clear limitations is my otp

Gus

gus was actually a SUPER easy one for me we know so much about him from the episodes he’s been in; he’s an overachiever, he’s passionate about what he loves, he’s a natural showman, and he is constantly pushing himself to be the best that he can be, all the time. the hustle doesn’t STOP for gus, and i...i...(tears up)

anyways, i think the thing that draws him to the train is getting suddenly ousted from the club he formed at school. he’s young, and having everyone you had assumed were your friends turn their back on you and throw you out of the space that you CREATED FOR THEM would be shocking to anyone, but it broke gus’ heart clean in two. after he’d picked his bag and himself up off the hallway floor, he’d left the building in a daze, not even realizing as he boarded the train door that had suddenly opened up in front of him until it was too late.

i’m actually going to go so far as to say that gus would likely be the one MOST interested in the truth of the train- he’d be asking the tough questions, like what is the purpose of the train? who made it and its technology? where does it exist that it can be both at his school and also speeding across a barren desert landscape at the same time? How does it create sentient lifeforms? the train helps him discover a new passion; journalism. he finds a journal that speaks to him as a friend and advisor in one of the trains, and he takes careful note of everything that happens to and around him. by the time he meets up with willow, he’s got so many ideas and theories that the other girl would have never thought to consider until that very moment.

idk what his number relates to because he’s perfect the way he is but if i had to take a shot in the dark it probably has something to do with finding somewhere he feels he can belong, as well as being able to mourn and let go of the people he’d considered his friends before he’d gotten on the train.

sorry this is so long i just have a lot of . gus feelings.

Amity ( + Edric + Emira )

lumping these whites together

okay so nobody wants to hear me talk about blight angst there are 800 posts about blight angst, so long story short the three siblings run away, get into an argument with each other, amity ditches them for the train while they’re asleep, and the twins panic and chase after her, determined to find her because in the end they’re all they’ve got.

‘next stop: amity blight’

i think it’d be a cool journey to see the three of them going from ‘we need to be together out of necessity’ to ‘we need to be together because we love each other, and that genuine support structure will pull us through when everything else fails.’ but in order for that to happen they all have to have their own journey, so at some point edric and emira finally get into a spat and that’s enough to get edric and emira stuck on opposite ends of a retracting bridge. send that mans to the BACK of the train.

emira: my greatest fear is being stuck with edric forever emira: (gets separated from edric) emira: haha wait please say psyche

amity’s number is definitely tied to her fear of failure, of not being enough for the people she holds closest to her- in this case her siblings, and then lilith, and then luz when they finally meet. when she acts without concern for what the people around her think and when she sticks up for what she knows is right, even when the majority is against her, her number goes down.

for ed and em im...i don’t want to think about their feelings because they’re supposed to be clowns but i am forced to consider that they may be jealous of their sisters independence. also separating them means they both have to take responsibility for all their own actions and choices, which is probably pretty new for the twins.

Lilith

im out of energy actually znzzzsnsz uh. estranged sister who sees something that reminds her of the relationship she used to have and she’s not actually as over it as she thought so the train....she..hghrg

#toh #the owl house

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m-a-k-k-u · 3 years

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I feel this is blown outta proportion but I don't think that means your in the wrong. I personally feel like you have been very chill with your anons. They constantly come back for a reason. If somebody does not agree with how you talk to them they are entitled to their opinion but I can't understand how they rationally came to that conclusion. I understand why you would be upset if you felt misrepresented. Tumblr is the last place to get an accurate idea of who somebody is and it isn't cool that somebody chose to hyper fixate on your anons to create some reason not to like you. Says more about them really. I mean that person should be able to come to that conclusion themselves. The fact she let something that weak influence her shows she didn't care. If a friend is not willing to clarify misjudgements made about you then they don't care. They don't have to go to battle for you but simply saying "No I talk to them and they are not like that from my experience" isn't hard. It's fair to expect that of a friend even if its means confronting another friend of yours. It's just honesty. Why would you want one friend to have a false idea while the other is misunderstood? If she can't bring herself to clarify things it means she agreed with the misjudgements or was willing to put the opinion of others above your friendship. If she agreed then that should be addressed with you as a freind. If she didn't agree and didn't choose to clarify things then she clearly just lets others walk over her and control the narrative. The fact they both want to make it your fault for literally judging you without letting you actually talk is insane to me. Makes no sense. Your feelings were probably hurt because you expected to be respected as a friend and she dangled it in front of you like a treat or reward. That's fucking weird and not how it works. You came to your blog to talk about it because they clearly wouldn't listen to you so I dont understand how she can act the way she in in her blog? She sounds like a bully. It would be one thing if she was defending herself here and gave a reason to disagree but she isn't and is just being invalidating you with like nothing. If they weren't willing to show you why you were wrong in this situation or give closure than its fair to find that through your blog and by others. You tried to address how you felt disrespected by her/her friend directly and their conclusion was to just end things instead of talk it out. There was an easy solution that she didn't want to choose and she should have understood that leaving people to deal with that alone means they will find a different way to cope how they need to. Your not in the wrong for sharing it and its so rude that she is framing it that way. If she didn't want you to speak out than she should have spoken to you like an adult. She chose to be unreasonable and you are dealing with that.

I appreciate your view completely anon because I can tell you really tried to understand what I was dealing with. I do want to point out though that I was also in the wrong and the way I handled it was not the right or mature way.

Honestly, I was upset that a friend defending me depended on whether she thought I cared about her or not. Especially when the reason she didn't think I cared was because she had hurt me badly in an argument and I had blocked her for the things she said to me.

It really didn't have much to do with her friend just the fact that I would stand up for someone I cared about and wanted the same out of someone who always tried to convince me that she cared about me.

It was on my mind at the time due to my conversation with her when I wrote that ask. But I should have kept my comment to myself. What hurt though was swapping back to dms to see her telling me that we should never speak again. She didn't say delete it or that she disliked it. Just immediately we shouldn't talk anymore. I agreed and blocked her but my posts after that show the hurt I was feeling.

Some people saw angry and drunk but they should have seen hurt and betrayed. This person knew a lot of things I go through. They had told me they cared about me and would be there for me and that I was safe with them. But one ask changed that to never speaking to me again. Hurt people tend to lash out. I know I was wrong. But I also thank you for trying to understand me rather than just pointing the finger.

I do feel like the things said about me and the situation were pretty unfair given the circumstances. But I guess that's all I can expect from internet strangers. I just wish people weren't so quick to judge.

#?#maskku

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not-from-the-absence-of-violence · 3 years

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On assumptions, understanding, belonging and love.

Moments in Martin's journey understanding other people and finally himself.

Martin's journey in understanding, accepting and loving his asexuality.

a/n: some quick notes: Jon is sex repulsed, Martin is somewhere between neutral and favorable. While Tim and Sasha dont exactlty say they are aro they are! Jon is non-binary and uses he/they pronouns and i desperatly wanted to explore that but this is already twice as long than intended-

also while I am (half) Bolivian and speak spanish I am not at all fluent in Tamil so if there is any mistakes lmk! hope you all enjoy!

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Sasha had convinced them to go get drinks together, as it had been a rather stressful couple of weeks since Martin came back from the siege of his apartment by Jane Prentiss.

Sleeping in the archives was not exactly helping the situation for Martin, or Jon for that matter.

So they decided to go to a pub and try to force a sense of normality everyone really needed.

Martin was having a great time, with the relative calm and safety he hadn’t had in a while, even Jon had something like a smile playing on his lips as Tim told a story from one of his university mates that had accidentally thrown his roommate's engagement ring down a drain.

Martin zoned out for a bit, enjoying the pleasant buzz of the alcohol and his friends laughter and Jon’s animated movements that indicated that he was talking about something he actually found interesting.

Jon was apparently telling his own story with some relation to engagement, something about a girl at a wedding that had acted strangely, Martin caught something about “purposely spilling wine on her dress”, which Martin agreed was quite wierd.

“She was totally trying to woo you, Jon.” Sasha said as Jon got to the bit where they had to help her find some clean towels in a storage closet.

“I assumed she was just having a rather hard time,” Jon said, seemingly only now thinking of the implications of spilling wine on your dress and then faking needing help, to be fair to Jon that was a very weird tactic to pull and Martin would not have put two and two together either.

“Well what did you do in that closet then?” Tim asked with an incredibly over the top suggestive look.

Jon pulled a face then, Martin thought it looked rather endearing really with his nose all scrunched up and his eyes narrowed, but he was clearly uneasy.

“I don’t- I don’t really do… that sort of thing.”

Martin snapped back in the moment, feeling a weird but familiar anxiety in his stomach as the conversation lulled. He felt rather protective for a moment, instinctively knowing this seemed important. This turned out to be rather unnecessary, as Tim spoke up again quickly.

“Oh,” He and then, earnestly, ”I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, Jon.”

And then Jon smiled, properly, like he didn’t often and waved his hand dismissively but pleased.

“Thank you, well it's not like you could have known that, but anyway as I was saying-”

It was but a moment, but it stuck with Martin for a bit, mulling it over and not really understanding his own reaction.

Eventually Martin settled back into the pleasant buzz, enjoying his friends chatter and Jon’s over exaggerated hand gestures.

It was an uncharacteristically slow day in the archives, not a worm in sight and Martin had only a bit of boring research to do for a very clearly fake statement.

Martin usually tried to be nice about it but this one featured a guy named “Richard Dickson” and was entirely about a fever dream someone had about a haunted accordion, he had listened to the recording that Jon had emailed him and it sounded like even he was having a very hard time trying not to laugh at it.

“Who comes up with this stuff?” Sasha said as she handed him back the statement. “Sure, I know we are being attacked by a worm woman but I really hope we can draw the line at haunted accordions that play spooky renditions of High School Musical and a prophetic dream guy called Dick Dickson.”

She was laughing too and Martin thought that she looked better than she had in awhile, it was nice, seeing her like this.

“Well at least I won’t have to stay extra time for the research of this one, I would go home early but.” he shrugged and gestured in a you know the whole staying here cause of a worm woman situation, she gave him a sympathetic look.

“Well I am leaving early, got a very fun evening planned.” she said with a wink.

She had looked really rather excited and somewhat giddy all day, Martin realized.

“Oh,” Martin said, “Who is the lucky person then?”

Sasha looked at him puzzled for a few seconds, slowly blinking at him, then the penny dropped.

“What? Oh no, I mean- Tim I guess, we usually have a sort of movie night every once in a while, this one is extra special though, because I found this book about the categorisation of demons, it’s partially in latin? Tim said he would help me look into it. ”

Martin felt his face heat up, feeling the urge to profusely apologize, Sasha continued however:

“It’s not like that though,” she said with a rather annoyed look, and then somewhat softer, “I am not really a dating kind of person, you know?”

Martin wasn’t sure he fully understood what she meant, but that was fine and she was clearly still very excited, so he relaxed.

“Sorry, shouldn’t have assumed, I do hope it’s not one of those books Jon goes on about, they aren't exactly...friendly.”

Her eyes lit up once again.

“Oh it's definitely not a Leitner! I do look out for that sort of thing, the interesting thing about the book is though-”

And she went on for a bit, the moment somewhat unimportant in a way but it still churned in Martin’s mind.

Things with Sasha...shifted after the Jane Prentiss attack, everyone had different ways to cope with trauma of course, Martin knew that.

Maybe that was the thing really, while Tim, Jon and Martin himself were having a hard time processing (even if Tim and Jon refused to properly acknowledge it) Sasha seemed fine, a few weeks of being shaken maybe and she was now back to her regular old self.

She even had a new boyfriend, Martin had no idea why that irked him so much.

He’d said as much to Tim, who was sitting next to him while both slacked off from their jobs on the stairs to the back courtyard of the institute (why there even was a courtyard was one of the great mysteries of this place).

Tim looked uncharacteristically solemn, seldom did he let his walls down like this.

“I thought I was in love with her you know,” he said rather suddenly, “I mean we’ve been friends for years now and there was- is no one I would rather spend time with, so I mean if not her then- then who?”

He sighed and Martin made comforting noise, trying not to break whatever spell had made Tim genuinely speak about his feelings.

“I mean I figured out I wasn’t in love with her before this whole...thing, we talked about it, I think? Some stuff is hazy. Just- I shouldn’t be jealous you know? She is allowed to have a boyfriend.”

“Your feelings are valid no matter what they are.” Martin said seriously.

Tim sighed and leaned into Martin, who enveloped him in his arms.

“Sure, doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck though.”

And well there wasn’t much Martin could say about that.

After a bit of comfortable hugging silence Tim spoke up.

“Maybe her boyfriend is a vampire though, I totally get to be jealous about a vampire.”

“Tim don’t say that.” he said, trying to hide a smile.

“What?” Tim said, pretending to be serious, “Everything is possible Martin, worm women and all that, I could obviously not compete with a vampire and their sexy glittering skin.”

Martin shook his head, not able to contain his laughter anymore.

“Can’t believe you are exposing yourself as someone who watched Twilight.” he said.

Tim smiled wickedly up at him from where he was still half cuddled into him.

“The fact that you got that reference exposes you in turn,” he said, sticking his tongue out, “Check mate.”

“Touché.”

Then Tim stood up and said:

“Well, Time to go back to our trans containment zone.”

“The fact that we just happen to be trans and were transferred to the archives is a coincidence.”

To that Tim only answered: “Trans-ferred Martin, can’t you see? You cannot call that a coincidence.” winked and back in through the door he went.

Martin let out an exaggerated long suffering sigh.

Back inside they walked to their respective desks.

“Well lets hope work gets lets shit.” Tim said. “That’s such a low bar, and yet.”

“Paciencia y fé.” Martin said, which was in his repertoire of spanish phrases that just didn’t pack the same punch in english along with “ya pasara” and “digamos que si”.

Tim shrugged.

“Don’t think whatever grandmother made up that phrase could have imagined it being applied to our situation.”

“And yet we still have to hope for it to get better don’t we, see it works.”

Tim flashed him one last smile as he sat at his desk and Martin went to put on the kettle.

Martin had assumed Jon’s I-don’t-do-that-sort-of-thing included dating as well and it hadn’t bothered him really, he enjoyed clinging to his crush to Jon like a small steady comfort, even if he knew it wasn’t actually going to amount to anything, there was no harm in day dreaming after all and Martin was perfectly capable of caring about him as a friend too, it was harmless.

Of course the fact that he now knew Jon had been staying at his ex-girlfriends place and the fact that Jon might actually date people didn’t really change anything.

At least that is what Martin tried to tell himself as he shakily poured two cups of tea and mustered the courage to walk to Jon’s office.

And he was at least a little right, even if Jon dated people, even if Jon would return his feelings (which Martin really did not let himself dwell on), these were particularly unfavourable circumstances to start a relationship, there was the matter that neither of them was able to string together a conversation, because the mundane ones sounded so inane and hollow and the important ones required being genuine and vulnerable and they might just be somewhat allergic to that.

And there was the matter of the impending apocalypse they had to stop.

Martin knocked on the door and he heard a soft: “Come in, Martin.” from the other side of the door.

The office was a mess as always and Jon looked like he hadn’t slept in a week and had aged about ten years in the last few months.

But Martin’s breath caught in his throat anyway because, as was usual for Jon now, he also looked just a little more...comfortable, as you could anyway. They were wearing a hoodie with cats on it that was just slightly too big and a long flowy patterned skirt.

Jon clearly caught martin staring because he ran his hand through his hair a bit self-consciously and said: “I know it goes against dress code, but I think you get a pass after you get kidnapped by an evil circus.”

“Oh I mean, you look nice, I mean it looks nice on you. I didn’t mean to uhm, stare?”

“It was- I was just joking.”

“Oh.”

They just stared at each other, painful silence falling over them.

Jon broke the silence clearing their throat.

“So... you brought tea?” They said.

“Yeah, it's for you.” Martin said and immediately cringed because who else would he have brought Jon’s favorite chai exactly the way he always takes it.

Jon smiled though, reaching out to take the cup from him. Their hands brushed just a little and Martin's brain briefly shut down and he realised that maybe he should admit to himself he was really hopeless and too far gone.

That is though, how he ended up stupidly staring at Jon’s hands and how he spotted the shiny black ring on the middle finger of his right hand.

“Thats a nice ring, don’t think I have ever seen you wear jewelry before.”

That seemed to snap the tension out of the moment a little, Jon looked down at the ring and smiled a little.

“It's an ace ring,” they said, “I used to wear it a lot a while back, not sure why I fell out of the habit, but now I guess I think I am allowed whatever small comfort I can get.”

They were looking at the ring and then at Martin.

Martin wanted to freeze the image right there, at the small not quite guilty smile Jon had as he looked up at him, at the feeling that things were OK, good even just for a bit.

Then something fell off Jon's desk and they both startled, flinching at the sudden loud noise.

All the worry and tension flooded back into the room immediately.

“Right.” Jon said. “Did you need anything else?”

Martin wasn’t sure how to even answer that.

So he just shook his head and started to leave.

Just before he was about to turn around Jon called his name, Martin turned around to face Jon that seemed to be fighting for the words he wanted to say.

“Yes, Jon?”

“Thank you.”

Martin smiled a sad smile.

“Anytime.”

It’t not that Martin had never heard the word asexual before, or that he didn’t know Jon was ace, he’d just never dwelled much on the actual meaning of it.

He had however never heard of ace rings before and he gave it a google for curiosity's sake.

A black ring usually wore on the right middle finger to indicate the wearer is asexual (“ace”).

It seemed nice to Martin, small token of your connection to a community, of course his curiosity did not end there, he had assumed previously Jon didn’t do relationships at all, and if he did, what did asexual mean then?

He found out rather quickly that asexuality was about sexual attraction, and aromantic was another thing all together, he also found out that asexuality didn’t mean a person couldn't have a libido, or like sex.

And maybe he just stood there staring at his laptop screen for a while knowing that sexual attraction had never really made sense to him, maybe it felt like something clicked.

And so knowing he definitely did not have the time or the emotional energy to deal with it he quickly closed his laptop, he had an apocalypse to stop and a boss to dispose of after all.

Martin was trying very hard to read Hija de la fortuna by Isabel Allende, every other sentence he sighed and grabbed his phone to look up a word the meaning of which he didn’t know.

It was frustrating, he once had been almost fluid in spanish as a child, but then his dad had left and his mother wasn’t able to and didn’t want to maintain his fluency. He hadn’t exactly had time or money for classes either and so now he attempted to regain some of it by watching movies and reading books.

It was not just the language of course that made it hard, Martin was so entirely full of worry. It was rare he got to spend a day in his flat these days, usually cooped up in the Institute hiding from something, or at the side of Jon's hospital bed talking to him, reading to him on occasion.

The anxiety, the fear, the pain, it had festered into Martin, the tiniest sounds made him jump and even when he got tiny little moments in which he wanted to, needed to, rest he still felt like a watched prey animal, or the full force of grief threatening to crush him.

Today he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, nothing remarkable had happened in a handful of days and it made him uneasy, he was waiting for Melanie to call him about a new attack, he was waiting for Peter to summon him with a weird cryptic request.

And you would think that with all this other worry he wouldn’t be fretting about his sexuality.

But apparently there was plenty of anxiety to go around for all the areas in his life and he just couldn’t get that moment, months ago now, out of his head.

He sighed at set the book aside, grabbing his phone and opening google.

He felt like he was 14 again asking his mother what gay meant and getting only a nasty look in return, or 17 and anxiously looking for a book about being trans in the library.

It was silly to look it up and read articles about how to know you were ace, because he already knew somewhere, but he desperately needed the confirmation.

The third or so blog post he opened was about a woman in her 50’s that had recently figured out she was ace.

Its freeing the article read it’s freeing to be who you are and to understand yourself better, even if you aren’t sure, its OK, it will be OK.

Martin was only crying a little, he laid down his phone and stared at the wall.

He thought about how he had never quite fit, he wasn’t quite english, not with the people asking him where he had come from or asking his mother as a child where she had gotten him from. He wasn’t Bolivian either, he had never been there, his spanish was limited, he could only cook about three and a half recipes that the internet had taught him.

He had never been a woman and he would never fit what society thought of as a man. And what that exactly meant for his relationships.

He never understood other people, but he never thought he was bad enough to seek help for it.

Sexual attraction was vague and he didn’t get it, but in the few relationships he had had in the past he hadn’t minded sex, he enjoyed watching a nice movie together just as much but there was a nicety to it, especially taking care of someone else, having them unravel infront of you. And he had found it weird that he didn’t want anything back, that he felt uncomfortable sometimes.

He imagined he meant he was wrong, like with everything else Martin Blackwood also couldn’t do that right.

But maybe there was something here, in Martins corner of human experience, in the small stack of books about Bolivia that he read, in the trans pin on his backpack and patches he sewed onto his clothes, in calling himself gay man even if that didn’t cover the nuances because it felt good, in the chew necklace that hung around his neck because it eased his anxiety.

Just like all of those things, Martin was ace, he wasn’t wrong or broken he was just different and there were all those other people who were different too and it was nice.

And Martin was crying because of the overwhelming sense of belonging, and because he finally understood Tim when he had once asked “But what does romance even mean, Martin?” and he would never get to tell him, because this is yet another thing he and Jon could have talked about if the world had been kinder to them, this is something he could be talking about to Jon if he wasn’t in a coma.

But even in these miserable circumstances Martin made sense to himself a little more and no one could take that away from him.

The past week in the safehouse had been a whirlwind of emotions, but both Jon and Martin were trying, trying hard to heal, to learn how to feel safe again, to love each other.

For all that trying they hadn’t talked about it much, it was hard still, but Martin was quietly holding on to the hope that they would get there.

Today had been quiet, with the biggest setback being that Jon had found it hard to find all the ingredients for the sambar he wanted to make for dinner.

“I know it won't be like my Pāṭṭi (பாட்டி) taught me, but you would think they would at least have coconut.”

Martin found their grumpiness adorable, reveled in the mundaneness of this worry. And he hadn’t been able to contain his laughter when they finally had found coconut and Jon had held it up triumphantly.

The food had been delicious and now they sat on the couch, it was hard Martin craved touch so dearly but it was like stepping into hot water after standing on ice for a while and Jon flinched so often, not used to not being hurt and sometimes Martin’s unnaturally cold skin brought up unpleasant memories.

They could have wallowed in guit and yearning, but they were both stubborn, and so even if it took a while and millions of slow movements and asking if something was OK they managed.

So it was that Jon had his legs draped over Martin's lap, enough to bring comfort, not too much as to be overwhelming, and their hands were lightly on top of eachother.

Jon seemed pensive, but not worried, Martin shot him a questioning glance.

“We went at this in such a sideward way,” Jon said, “I mean we live together now but we haven’t really...talked about it. We never- we never asked?”

There was a beat of silence where Martin just looked at Jon and then a smile spread over Martin's face.

“Jonathan Sims do you want to ask me out?”

Jon averted their gaze in a way that meant even though Martin couldn’t see it they were definitely blushing.

Martin just couldn’t contain his delighted laughter.

“Must you laugh at me,” Jon said, faking offence, he was also smiling now.

A bit of seriousness returned to his voice as he spoke up again.

“I don’t care that we have done it all backwards Martin,” they said, “But, I love you.”

And as he said that Martin stared at him, mouth agape and his heart thundering in his chest, he lost his ability in any language. Jon said it firmly and securely and Martin really didn’t know what he was supposed to do with all the feelings he had, Jon continued however.

“And we don’t have to do anything but it just feels like we are dancing around several conver- Martin? Are you alright?”

It was only then Martin realised he was crying and he could only ask:

“You love me?”

Not because he didn’t know, but because sometimes you just need the confirmation.

Jon squeezed his hand gently.

“Of course I do.”

Martin wanted so badly to answer him, to reproach but he couldn’t, not yet, instead he blurted.

“May I kiss you?”

Jon smiled, a tad nervously.

“That's sort of what I wanted to talk about,” they said, “boundaries?”

Martin understood the necessity of such conversations he really did, but it did not mean he was going to enjoy them.

It did come as a surprise however that Jon suddenly got very nervous and said.

“I mean- I just- I am ace, Martin.”

Martin cokced his head in confusion and said:

“Yeah, I know.”

Jon mirrored his confused look.

“You do?” and then more sour, “You listened to the tape?”

And fine Martin admitted to himself, maybe they should talk more.

“No? You told me, like ages ago.”

Jon laughed, relieved, happy.

“Sorry,” he said, “Ironically my memory is foggy. It has been a rough couple of...years.”

Martin hummed something of affirmation, because he also knew this seemed like a nice moment to come out, and he felt the very familiar anxiety in his belly. Idiotic anxiety because Jon was also ace and there were no stakes in this situation at all.

Maybe it was just the fact that he had never said it aloud.

Martin heard himself speak:

“I think I am too,” and he could hear how stupidly nervous he sounded, “ace, I mean.”

There was a vague ringing in his ear and if he had been in the position to he might have just run out of the room, apparently facing down unknowable monsters didn’t make coming out easier.

His fear was cut down by the fact that Jon was absolutely beaming at him.

“That's great!” they said, “I mean not that I would have minded if- but it is nice to have someone understand, that's all.”

It was, it was amazing to have Jon here smiling up at him holding his hand and understanding him.

“It really is,” Martin said, then gently bringing the back of Jon’s hand to his cheek and leaning into it, “Doesn’t mean we don’t have to talk boundaries though.”

Jon smiled at the small gesture and then said serious:

“I don’t want to have sex, ever.”

Martin knew it sounded like people had tried to debate them on it before and it made his chest ache.

“I know,” he answered and then because honesty was key, “I am not adverse to it, but obviously if you don’t want to, we won’t, ever.”

Jon sat up a bit then, lifting his hand from Martins and gently cupping his cheek. Martin's pulse quickened, his hand moving almost automatically to Jon’s arm.

“How do you feel about kissing?” he asked.

“It's nice,” Jon said, smiling a bit cheekily leaning forward, “So long as it isn’t tongue kissing that is.”

Martin leaned forward until their breaths mingled at their lips where all but touching.

“May I kiss you then?” He asked, breathless.

Jon could only nod and they both leaned forward the last inch.

Time must have stopped for a bit as they kissed, gentle and full of a thousand promises.

They both moved away from the kiss gently, they were both tearing up a little, Martin felt so much so strongly and he pulled away from Jon completely.

“Just need a moment.” he said and smiled at Jon's reassuringly if a bit shaky.

“Take all the time you need,” Jon said and then softer, “Anything you need.”

And Martin was sure he had never loved anyone more.

On the fourth day of their third week in Scotland Jon had gone to run some errands in town and had come back with an incredibly nervous air about him they were sitting across from Martin at the table twirling their hair and checking his pocket every once in a while.

It was making Martin incredibly antsy and by the third time Jon had looked like he wanted to say something only to then go back to the crossword he was definitely making no progress on Martin had had enough.

“Sol mio,” Martin said, very much enjoying Jon’s wide eyed flustered he always got when Martin called him pet names. “Will you please tell me what is wrong.”

Jon looked at him sheepishly.

“There is not something wrong, per se.”

Martin gave him a look.

Jon sighed and stood up, grabbing a small box from his pocket.

“Nothing is wrong I just… bought something for you beloved.”

Martin very nearly had a heart attack when Jon opened the box and there was a ring inside. Upon closer inspection it was a beautiful black ring and Martin understood.

There was silence as Martin could do no more but stare at the ring and then at Jon.

“I see how a ring might come over as a gift now,” Jon rambled nervously, “it is not like that- I mean that is something we will have to talk about. I was afraid it would be too much? It is engraved too and I just hope I didn’t-”

Martin cut him off: “Jon let me see it properly.”

Jon handed him the ring.

Martin lifted the ring out of the box and saw the engraving on it.

நான் உன்னைக் காதலிக்கிறேன். I love you. Te amo.

Martin promptly sat down again, it was so sappy, just a tad ridiculous and stupidly cute. It hurt in his chest and tears stung in his eyes.

“How did you know I wanted one?” he asked, because he didn't know what else to say.

Jon rubbed the back of his neck self consciously and said:

“You were talking a few days ago, about how you would like something like a- like a token, to remind you and I thought an ace ring might be nice.”

They lifted their right hand.

“We match now.”

Martin silently moved to put the ring on, it fit perfectly. He ran his fingers over the tiny groves of the words on it.

An anchor.

A small reminder that he belonged, here in the world, here with Jon.

Martin stood up and gently enveloped Jon in a hug.

“Thank you,” he murmured into Jons hair as he placed a small kiss on top of their crown. “It’s perfect.”

#jonmartin #ace!jon #ace!martin #the magnus archives #tma #magpod #trans!martin #trans!jon #the whole thing is incredibly self indulgent #magnus archives fic #ao3 link will be in rb ig #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #tim stoker #sasha james #my writing

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k1ng-for-a-day · 3 years

Note

Can you do fluff and nsfw headcanons the nurse x survivor s/o?i think sally deserves love.. thank you!

Good morning my beautiful demons. The king has finally arrived, and I like to say I’m VERY SORRY for the inactivity. Due to schooling, my motivation to create posts is AWFUL. So please stay patient! If I haven’t gone to your requests, then again I’m sorry.

(And also yes Sally needs more attention 🥺🥺)

(And sorry for this being so short. Again I’m having a huge lack of motivation. Either way thank you very much 💞💞)

The Nurse has arrived...

💊💉 Upon arrival to the realm, you made a quick realization that you were at the Crotus Penn Asylum. This was the worst place that you were put in due to the cathedral like building in front of you. Maybe it was due to the eerie feeling, but something or someone triggered terrible thoughts to your head. Syringes: These tiny little things made you feel nauseous every time it like you. Additionally it made you feel terrified each time one appeared near you. Hell, even when it’s on your hand you start to shriek! These small needles just made you curl up in fetal position, and weep on the floor. It was technically a phobia since it was that bad.

💊💉 Nevertheless you knew you what you had to do. Get generators done, attempt to hide, and escape without blood on your hands. That was all.

💊💉 When you finally reached your first generator, you quietly crouched down and walked towards it, attempting not to alert anyone. Once you reached it you decided to work on the wire portion of the machine since it was an immense hassle. You never enjoyed working these little strings of torment since they would always function improperly, or they would be inadequate. Additionally you despised the fact that it could possibly blow a fuse if you made the wrong plug in, use the incorrect wires, or simply have the incorrect tools for it. (However this only applied with the toolbox). Nevertheless your ambition got the better of you, and you persisted. You wanted to get this terrible gut feeling out of you, so you needed to complete this efficiently.

💊💉 Though you could feel the taste of an exit door holding you graciously, you accidentally put the incorrect wires together. As you stared for an hour or two, you shook your head in disbelief. Shit! They’re going to kill me! You thought for a brief moment, and you quickly went in hiding. You crouched down to a corner, and held onto your knees hoping the killer would just pass by you. The fear of something poking you at any instant grew immensely, and that uneasy gut feeling made you tremble weakly. Your fragile body being slashed at and picked up, your whole entire plan being frabricated in seconds; everything was seemingly ruined. But why did you have this hopeless feeling? There wasn’t anyone near you since there was no terror radius. Then again it could be Ghostface... You thought for a bit, but proceeded back to your Gen. and surprisingly it wasn’t kicked! You completed the generator in no time, and went running to the next one.

💊💉 The next generator you approached was with someone you knew, but never interacted too much with outside the trials. It was Meg: the athletic workaholic. She always loved to loop killers around, and annoy them somewhat. She’s always a bundle of joy during these types of circumstances, and tries to comfort other people. She’s also immensely competitive, yet plays fair. You always strived to be like her, but with her dedication and hard work it’s nearly impossible to make headway like she does. Nevertheless you crouched down next to her, and worked on a different portion of the Gen. This particular portion was the power supply. All you had to do was make sure the energy levels were all evenly dispersed, and if they weren’t you had to remove a piece and plug it in a different section. This was much more difficult to fail since it didn’t require experience with wires and such. It was just a simple “where does it go?” Type of deal. Unfortunately, Meg accidentally blew a fuse do to her sudden excitement. And even worse; you heard a terror radius. You didn’t know who it was in particular, but you were terrified needless to say. You quickly hid in a locker since it was the closest thing near you, even though you knew they would search it. You held onto your mouth, trying not to make a sound, and closed your eyes. You imagined that you were dancing in the middle of your room with your favorite song. The anxious feeling in your stomach was dissolving, but you still heard the terror radius coming closer, closer, and even closer... you started to cry softly, trying not to alert them, but it was too late.

💊💉 When you saw the killer, your eyes shot wide and tears ran down your cheeks. It was the nurse: the most terrifying killer you’ve ever met. You always heard rumors about the syringe she carries, and how aggressive she can be to other survivors. She’s so quick to her feet that she could easily pull you to the ground. It made you tremble immensely to the point you started to cry even more. You never really looked at her hand since you were afraid to encounter the weapon she would carry, but oddly enough she didn’t even take you. She just stared at you blankly, or you assumed she did, and simply patted your head. She realized how scared you were since you were either new to the place, or you had some sort of phobia. In attempt to make you feel a bit more happy, she picked up a flower that she found on the ground, and handed it to you. She then left you in your little closet, hoping that you would come out and feel much more stronger. And surprisingly you were more collected with yourself. You slowly went out of your locker, and walked back to your generator. It was kicked, but not insanely a lot. Just enough to motivate you to continue.

💊💉 And just like that you were finally finished! Now all you had to do was move on to the next generator. And you were done. And fortunately enough your team only needed one more Gen... Coincidentally it was near you, so course you ran towards it.

💊💉 While the nurse was distracted by the other survivors, slashing them one by one, you quickly worked on the wires, slowly placing them in the correct order. You were becoming use to the way everything was, I mean you were slightly new to the world of the entity.

💊💉 For a while you forgot how you ended up here, but that nurse you met reminded you of certain aspects: syringes, people with blurred faces, and a commotion in the halls. That was all you could gather from that meeting. It gave you a chill down your spine, even though now was not the time. You needed to concentrate on your goal, which was to finish the generator and leave. Luckily someone approached you with a soft smile, and that person was Adam. He seemed very nice and philosophical. He would always talk on and on about what he believed, what books he read, and his advice towards you. Sometimes it got to the point you would zone out and forget what you asked him. You could tell he was very intelligent, but his mouth was what led him to victory. Nevertheless you continued on your Gen until you heard a familiar noise... it was the nurse! She was coming straight towards Adam with her hatch saw!

💊💉 Weirdly enough you kept hearing people talk about her holding a syringe instead of a saw. Maybe it was to torment you since you were alarmed easily. But currently it made absolutely no sense why people would confuse such a dangerous object to something more painful like a saw. You shook your head in disbelief, and was about to finish the Gen, however you accidentally blew another fuse! Quickly and quiet you looked behind you, and crouched down near a corner. She was coming quickly and saw you right then and there. She simply stared at you again, and reached her hand out.

💊💉 “Dont be afraid dear child,” she spoke to you, “I won’t hurt you as long as you don’t hurt me.” Her voice seemed to be genuine, semi intangible, and monotone. You took a good look at her before reaching out your hand: she seemingly had a bag on her head for some odd reason. Additionally she had blood all over her white unform. Her blood was possibly due to the other victims she has come acrossed and attacked, but then again it could possibly from her past. You didn’t want to ask since you were terrified. Additionally she seemed very hesitant to actually take you with her. She wasn’t really to sure if she should’ve even picked you to take care of in the current situation. Either way she just hoped you got her message clear. She didn’t want to actually hurt you, she wanted to take you out alive. In response, you reached your hand out and touched her’s. It felt immensely cold, like an ice cube or even a glacier. She then pulled you up from your position, and led you back to your generator. She stood beside you, and let you work on the machine, hoping you would finish it soon enough. She then left you to complete it, and chased down other survivors as well.

💊💉 Once you finished your Gen, you ran to the exit and pulled the gate open as quickly as possible. Someone was near you as well, and that person was Zarina. She waited patiently for the door to open, and asked you a couple questions about your arrival. These questions being “how are you doing so far? Are you alright?” And other similar ones to make sure you were alright. She didn’t want you to be scared, but wanted you to relax for right now. She seemed nice to you, but you weren’t very sure of it. Again, you were still new to this realm, so you didn’t want to mess around too much. As the exit gate opens, you heard that same noise, and suddenly the nurse appeared again! She stood in front of you, holding her saw, ready to strike! But she didn’t... she just stood in front of you... “Be careful dear... others will be harsh...” she told you, somewhat unintangible. You nodded and was about to leave, but you turned back. “Thank you... very much..” you told her and left. For some odd reason you felt saddened for leaving her. It was strange..

💊💉 After you left, you remembered how you came here, but you could barely vision it. A hospital, an exit, patients galore. It all came back to you within seconds it seemed. Again you weren’t really sure of it too much. Nevertheless you wanted to see the nurse again, and talk to her. Even though it may seem difficult, she probably would actually talk to you but not so much. She barely has a tangible voice in general, so she probably would barely talk since it may hurt her.

💊💉 One day, you saw her again, and you tried to go up to her. However, unlike last time, she was much more harsher towards you. Instead of approaching you kindly, she chased you around, striking you or attempting to. This behavior made you immensely scared to the point you trembled to the ground. Then it hit you. Your memories, fears, and visions of that night... that one night that landed you here...

💊💉 From what you remember vaguely, there was a hospital you use to work at with many clients. Those patients were very needy, and forced you to do things for them. Those tasks were to give them more medicine every hour, everyday until they snap. This place felt like a living hell for you, especially since you had no idea why they wanted to be injected. It got to the point they labeled you as “Dr. Injector” in order to tease you. One day you stopped giving them their precious medicine, and explained to them that they were running out of samples. However, they believed that you were lying considering the fact that this was the most rich hospital in your state. They went after you, chasing you down the halls, ripping at your clothes, until suddenly you flew through the exit! Unfortunately it wasn’t what you had intended it to be. It was a void like substance, staring back at you with those saddened, terrified eyes. You then arrived at a new location, brimmed with fear.

💊💉 From that moment you started to cry, desperately trying to get up from where you were. Unfortunately she picked you up before you could escape, however she didn’t hook you. Instead she took you to a certain location and put you down. She patted your head gently, trying to reassure you. The other members of your team were completing generators, and here you were right next to the killer. She then began to speak, “I’m sorry... I had too...” she seemingly whispered, “the entity... was after me...”

💊💉 What basically happened was that the killers criticized her when she would spare new survivors, and try to act friendly. Once this rumor spread around, the entity started to get fed up with her bullshit, and forced her to kill ever single survivor. If she was unable to do so, he would take something precious from her, and burn it in a fire. He would then use her as a puppet or decoration for a new killed. You satred at her in disbelief, and hugged her gently. This was terrible: having to be forced into killing others just because of your friendly nature? It was unimaginable. She stared at you, with what you can assume a melancholy glint, and hit you softly. You instantly fell on the ground, and were hooked. You closed your eyes and let the entity sacrifice you...

💊💉 Once you were back at the lobby, you cried silently away from everyone. You really wanted to see her again, but it would be immensely difficult. Luckily the match was finally over, and all the killers might’ve been talking with each other. You slowly went over to the killer area, sneaking past several security type things, and entered the area. You slowly tried to find the nurse, but you were met with other killers instead. The first one you recognized was Ghostface, but he was talking with someone that you saw as well. Another survivor here? Is this normal..? Next you saw Michael talking with another killer, and then you saw her. The nurse all by herself, sighing in relief. You quickly ran up to her, trying not to get caught, and wanted to jump out to hug her. However, someone already caught you...

💊💉 The entity caught you in the act, and tried to drag you away from her! You tried to remove yourself from him, but it was no use! You kept being pulled back into your lobby, and you were immensely weakened! You could barely even stand!

💊💉 Once you realized your circumstance, you held onto your knees and started to cry. You knew it was no use in seeing her. It was unfortunate how you could never seen her again. Maybe not even in another match..

💊💉 The next day you heard someone or something enter the lobby. They were immensely quiet, but you recongnized the noise. It was her.. next to you... alone...

💊💉 “Hello my dear...” she whispered, “I’m sorry for not coming towards you...” she apologized, and you hugged her in response. You wanted to make sure she felt okay, comfortable, and happy. You told her about a vision you had the other day, and she sighed. It was similar to her story as well.

💊💉 Basically she moved into a small town with her husband, smiling hand in hand. However he unfortunately died, and she was alone. With no other way to sustain herself, she had to work at the Crotus Penn Asylum, which was filled with patients that verbally, physically, and even mentally abused her. One day she just snapped and killed them all. Their blood was all over the walls, the beds, and simply everywhere you looked. She went insane.

💊💉 You held her hand gently and tried to reassure her. You told her that Andrew’s death wasn’t her fault, and that she would be alright. You both ended up cuddling against each other until the next day. You were finally happy, and had someone with you to keep you comfortable. To keep you as safe as possible.

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deliciously-yeeted · 3 years

Text

I was in desperate need of some beel fluff, so i wrote some. As one does. Uh, ive never done this,(posting fanfic, i normally jus write small things for myself tbh😅) before so please have mercy lol

I hope ya like it though, it put a smile on my face so im hoping it does the same for you♡

____________________________

You started filling the hem of your shirt with snacks, as many as you could fit in the scrunched up fabric that is, a tired but playful grin on your lips, as you thought over what you planned to do, mentally prepping yourself.

Normally, you're not so bold about seeking out comfort and such, feeling shy about showing vulnerability...but today, ugh, today had you particularly worn down. You needed something, affection preferably. You'd settle for a warm bath and some melatonin if you had to. Though, you really didnt want too.

You were tired of self soothing all the time. And Asmos care packages could only help so much. But you knew how to make it all magically better. There was only one option in times like these .

You worked quickly, excitement bouncing around in your gut, making your hands a little shaky.

Having grabbed all you could you carry, you practically dashed from the kitchen. Your mind set on finding a certain big demon. Last you heard, he was headed to his room for a bit. You hoped he was still there.

When you finally reached his bedroom door, you found yourself in a tad bit of a pickle. Your eyebrows furrowed, the realization that you wouldn't be able to open the door making you frown at the closed door briefly. You cursed yourself slightly, for not thinking that far ahead. You forgot in all your excitement.

Briefly you considered trying to use you feet before dropping the idea. Guess you've got no choice.

Dang it! You felt kinda bummed that you'd be losing the element of surprise, but the grin soon returned, thinking about seeing Beel always you happy, regardless of the circumstances.

"Beeeeellllllllllll!" You called out, letting a bit of a whine into your voice, hey, who knows? Maybe it'd get him in front of you faster?? He tended to be on the slower side of answering his door, sometimes he simply didnt hear it. Especially if he was working out or watching tv.

Apparently, whining his name did not speed him up:(

You were about to call out again, worried he hadn't heard you, when the door clicked open. The mere sound making you feel slightly giddy. Your eyes snapping up to meet his briefly. You soaked in as many details of him as you could, without just straight ogling him, before flicking your eyes back up to meet his.

"Y/n?" He seemed pleasantly surprised, dressed in a black tank top and grey sweats (you were happy to see him wearing them, because while he looked like a whole ass meal in them, it also meant he had no plans of leaving the house tonight).

His eyes were quick to find the odd lumps wrapped up in your shirt, as well as the bit of tummy peaking out. The position you held your shirt in had caused the bottom of your stomach to show, something you had worried about on the way here, anxious about a different brother catching a glimpse of you. You could feel his stare burn against your skin, he was about to say something, but then his nose twitched, and his eyes fixed on your bundle of snacks instead.

Not that you minded his staring your stomach, not with Beel.

The others...maybe.

Your tummy was one of his favorite parts about you, he's hands finding their way under your shirt to touch and squeeze the soft flesh more often than not. Always gentle and non intrusive. I think he'd full on cry if he accidentally upset you somehow tbh.

Boy had absolutely no shame about it, once he learned you didnt mind much.

Especially when you seemed to be a bit shy about showing your stomach, with the others, or just in general. He made sure to let you know how much he loved your squish. Be it at RAD or just casually in the house.

The only person who ever raised a fuss over it was Mammon, although, he tended to fuss over everything you did anyways;; His protests did absolutely nothing to deter you or Beel, much to his dismay.

Sometimes, if Beel was hungry and needed a distraction or a quick 'pick me up', he'd scoop you up and just shove his face into your tummy. (Much like what I do with my cat when I'm bored and/or sad) Then he'd just hold you there until he absolutely had to let you down.

Relishing in the feel of your softness and you heart racing under your skin, fluttering so delicately under his lips, pressing his face against you was an instant mood lifter for him.

You loved it, a surprised but delighted laugh always ripping from your chest, almost subconsciously. You couldn't hide your happiness in his affections, not that you would want to (thats a lie, you cant help but be embarrassed at the end of the day by the intensive joy you felt whenever you looked at him). Which only seemed to motivate him even more, and soon each time he scooped you up, he'd kiss all over your tummy, making you giggle because it tickled, before hugging you close with a small sigh.

"I brought snacks, and some cuddles. So uhm, can I nap on you for a bit? 'M tired. Unless your busy or something..." you beam up at him, starting to hesitate toward the end, suddenly a little unsure.

"Pretty please?? I wont bug ya, I promise." You plead, pulling your best puppy dog eyes, shifting from one foot to the other nervously. His eyes widened as his brain processed what you said, and the cute sight in front of him. If he was being honest, it made his brain stop for a split second.

He chuckled at you and lifted you up by the back of your knees, holding you carefully to his chest, mindful of your full shirt. A small startled squeak coming from you as he did so, a sound he never got tired of hearing.

You glanced in the room as he closed to door, he had papers sprawled over the small coffee table in the middle of the room, and a few (you spotted more in the trash bin in the corner) empty food wrappers around his work space. He plopped down in front of the table again, taking only a few steps to reach it. You were kind of jealous, your short legs never being a fair match against his. Luckily he enjoyed carrying you, which solved that issue right quick.

"You can keep me company while I finish my homework." He says, shifting you into his lap and keeping a loose hold on your lower stomach, fingers splaying out to get a small feel of your exposed skin. Glancing around, you dont see belphies mop of hair in his bed, he was probably sleeping in the attic or the observatory, you quietly hum to yourself, abit happy to have Beel all to yourself for the moment. Shifting forward, Beels hands refusing to let you go and setting on your waist, you hold your shirt above the edge of the table, and let the snacks spill from your shirt before smoothing the garment back down, missing Beels frown as he looses sight of your tummy. Quickly moving to organize the snacks a bit, so that they were within reach and not scattered all over his papers and in the way.

"Thank you, your the bestest!!" You say, the dull ache in your arms more than worth the effort in your opinion.

You tilted your head back so you can look up at him. Making eye contact with him made your brain kinda just...mush. Your hands slowly squeezing his on your waist, lifting them so you move a bit.

You tore you gaze from his, before turning around and wrapping your arms around his nack and your legs around his torso,(like a koala in his opinion).

Scooting as close as you could get away with, (your not as stealthy as you give yourself credit for, he knows, he just too nice to tease you for it, and he doesn't want you to stop), so you could snuggle up to him and be comfy at the same time. Which wasn't all that hard to do with him, being the teddy bear he is.

Your eyes glazed over slightly, and you were distracted as you mind pulled your attention away.

Ah, you were in pure bliss, you could die happy like this~

You had grabbed plenty of snacks, being sure to vary in your choices, knowing Beel would like to have options, and hoping to be able to buy some extra time with him and a cute Beel smile as a reward for your effort. Tho, youd do it anyways.

Not that you'd ever admit to that. Nuh uh, no way. Unless he asked nicely, you'd give in embarrassingly fast if he ever did, the realization making your face heat up.

But...

Embarrassment be damned, youd never tell Beel 'No'.

He looks down at you, face going all blushy and soft at your slightly dazed and flushed expression. Your thoughts getting the best of you for a moment. Shaking your head slightly and letting out a resigned sigh.

"Of course you can," you snap out of it when he speaks up, looking up at him, quick to give him your full attention. "I love when you cuddle up with me, it helps me focus a bit. You didn't have to bribe me, though, as long as its you, my cuddles come free-" wrapping his arms around your shoulders, giving you a snug hug, he moves to continue. "Not that I'm complaining-" you cut him off, feeling slightly guilty about it. You were already flustered, and his sweet words weren't helping your predicament one bit. That was until your eyes actually focus on his face, oh sweet hell, hes so precious!!! Your heart thumps nearly painfully for a moment, nerves biting into your thoughts.

Your face was definitely beat red now, you could feel it at the tips of your ears even. Yet you refused to move, your eyes locked on his. A rare occurrence, one you could tell he was basking in, his eyes were glued to your face, studying it. His flush deepening slightly.

Squishing his cheeks and "shushing" him gently. Your basically cooing at him, to tired suddenly to care much about how your words or actions came off. The nervousness slipping away from your voice and movements. "Its not a bribe hun, I just felt like seeing you smile before I fell asleep on you. Heh, your smile is my goodluck charm for good dreams, ya know?" You tiredly rub his cheek with your thumb, eyes lit up happily and content. Giving him a small breathless laugh at the end.

He really did calm you down, your mind slowing down as the excitement started to fade, a fact you became overly aware of quite suddenly, your eyes feeling quite heavy now that you felt safe.

You yawned, your weariness catching up to you.

Beels quick to notice, taking note of the bags under your eyes. Dont worry, he'll make sure you get some good sleep, no bad dreams were gonna plague you on his watch. He glances over at the snacks you brought, unbelievably happy. Seeing you so cutely curled up to him, the fact that you brought him as much food as you could carry(a sight he nearly died from when he saw it) and your sweet sweet words, it definitely warmed his heart to say in the least.

He loved that you actually came to find him, just so you could cuddle. His adoration for you is bottomless, just like his hunger.

So, Beel wraps you inna big bear hug, pulling you closer and peppering the top of your head and face with kisses. He gives you a big grin, his eyes sparkling happily. "Nap, I'll wake you up when I'm done and we can hangout till dinner."

You tiredly nod, relaxing against him.

Grabbing a baggy of chips, he smooches your forehead, before tucking your face under his chin so he could munch, and see his work(not like that was much of an issue, beels a big boy after all👀), without completely covering the top of your head in crumbs (you'd told him you didn't mind, especially since he always ruffled your hair to get then out, and you loved that...but he still feels bad about it and tries to avoid it to some extent) and being able to rest his chin on top your head was just the cherry on top for him.

💗Happy beel mode activated💗

Sighing happily, you close your eyes. Beels cuddles making all your stress melt away, just like they always did. Slowly, you start to drift off, listening to the soft scratch of his pen as he starts to work and his deep breathing, letting it lull you into sleep.

I dont know why my brain wanted me to got all out on this. I literally jus couldn't stop tweaking with it. Imma post if before i decide to change it. Imma just conveniently forget i wrote this now, maybe ill like it more after a week or two... :/ also if theres any spelling or grammar issues plz tell me, its like 2am rn so im sure i missed something

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ronnytherandom · 3 years

Text

I forgot to watch content all week so i wrote about games ive been playing

9/2/2021: The Truman Show

You should fear your fears but embrace them and use them to guide you into the unknown, to explore and experience what life has to offer. Fear stands between you and the fullest experience of life so you must pass through it to better yourself. Heed not the walls built about you and the chains made to hold you. Though the architects insist it will preserve your life, containment is anathema to life. Do not take in faith the benevolence of powers that be; instead trust those who would support and liberate you, guide you through fear and into life.

As best I can lay it out, I think this is the philosophy of the Truman show but there is so much more to read into it also. There is critique of systems of commodification and celebrity (i.e. capitalism) reducing human beings to a consumable good as well as encouragement to find and pursue your goals despite adversity and even sensibility which is also tied to the illusion of economic responsibility. You can’t put a camera inside a human head, you can never “know” them without being an active and intrinsic part of their life, but also there is need for reciprocation. If one half exists with ulterior motive then the entire relationship is rotten; sincere humanity is what creates real connections. Without such your world is fake. A world built around one person is a world where no one can truly live. All these actors have given up basically their entire lives for the sake of watching Truman have his life built around him by outside forces, have allowed themselves to be commodified and dehumanised for the good of one man, Christoph. The man at the top has delusions of grandeur and thinks only of his own bottom line, he cares not for his subjects but simply wants them to do as he tells them because it benefits him to commodify their lives and interactions. Even then he cannot stand to lose control and in seeking to demonstrate Truman’s “realness” he structures his life so thoroughly that eventually there’s no reality left, only a script and adverts. But the people watching still empathise with Truman because everyone in the working class understands what it is to be trapped because real life is our own Truman show and one day we must all pass through fear, step out of the dome and create a real life for ourselves outside of the system of commodification which consumes everyone’s life and removes all realness and sincerity and emotional catharsis from it.

I unreservedly love this film.

14/2/2021: Assorted Game Reviews

Horizon Zero Dawn (Unfinished due to technical issues, 45 hours inc. parts of Frozen Wilds): This game is really cool and really fun. I think it is defined by its incredible setting which somehow creates a fresh feeling post-apocalyptic environment. Said environment creates intriguing alt-future lore and some very interesting environments to explore. I love the machine designs (especially tallnecks!) and was very sad to hear one of their contributing artists passed away recently but I’m glad their work lives on in this visually stunning game. I’m a sucker for Ubisoft-style open world games simply because it tickles a certain kind of itch and somehow this non-Ubisoft game has outdone Ubisoft on their own formula, which is hilarious, but also good for me as running around this world exploring and clearing map markers is engaging fun. Not least because of the combat. I have a minor criticism here that the combat feels slightly awkward on mouse and keyboard, the arrows never seem to go where I’m aiming, but aside from that the experience of fighting is a grand one. Enemies never lose their threat and I love the weak spot system the game employs which makes every tool useful in niche circumstance and rewards curiosity. It specifically manages this in a way that I feel the Witcher series could learn from if it ever returns; by making head on assault less viable and encouraging tactical hunting. I do feel this system makes hunting robots so fun that by contrast hunting humans becomes a chore however, though I noted this improves in the dlc with the addition of humans with elemental weaknesses limited in number as they are. I cannot speak for the story in entirety but what I encountered was pretty good, though I feel as if it was only just really getting going at the point where I could not continue. I find Aloy to be a compelling and well portrayed protagonist and though I can guess about her origin and the ultimate end of the alt-future apocalypse I still want to see how it plays out on screen, so will return to this as soon as I’ve fixed it.

Rimworld (122 hours. Familiar with but do not own Royalty Expansion):

Rimworld is one of those super special games that I don’t think I have a single problem with. Fair warning it can be brutal and is heavily dependent on RNG but this allows it to create truly unique and interesting scenarios on a constant basis. In the wider perspective it could be described as formulaic, with regular cycles of managing the settlement between raids and random events, but the devils in the details. Colonist traits, health and skills dictate how you play and sometimes you’ll be forced to adapt as some colonists simply refuse to perform some tasks. The depth of health particularly amuses me, in that each little part of someone’s body is modelled in a way. If you’re in a firefight you may take a single bullet which grazes your finger and you’re fine. Alternately it could pierce your human leather cowboy hat, your skull and kill you instantly and the game will tell you exactly what happened. The risk/reward element is addictive enough, and that’s without accounting for just how cool it is to see your colony slowly expand. Establishing more and more options for crafting is fun and shows off the full range of different items in the game which is fucking extensive. Between clothing, weapons, armour, sculpture and drugs to name only a few you have the opportunity to create many varied production lines either for your colonists or to trade for money and there is a lot of fun to be had here as well as it is quite satisfying to see psychoid you have grown personally become the cocaine your colonists snort to help them stay awake on limited sleep. From an archaeologist’s perspective it is especially cool to look back over your base and see the hints of how and why structures were built and remember the history of your limitations and development through structure. I think the lore of the universe is really cool too, a very 40k-esque kind of place except with far less order, somehow. But the universe does an excellent job of feeling alive and moving constantly on both a planetary and interstellar level. You can fully believe that while you build wooden shacks to shield yourself from terrifyingly low temperatures there are simultaneously rich pieces of shit living it up on the glitterworld that’s one system over. The music does an excellent job of creating the wild west frontier atmosphere the game cultivates to great effect. Ultimately, for just being a grid with a series of different numbers attached, this game does a fantastic job of creating a compelling, brutal and very real colony management experience. I dont think I can properly put into words the grandness and scope of this one. I didnt even mention the modding scene, which is expansive and tailors to basically any need you could have. The Rim is a terrifying place but theres so much fun to be had.

Factorio (86 hours, mostly 1.1): Having completed a game of Factorio I can tell you reliably that this is one of the best games ever made, thoroughly addictive and fun. If you like numbers, logistics, TRAINS, its gonna be your thing. Not to mention its probably the only documented case of a game with no bugs (so far as official forums are concerned). Strictly speaking this games combat is not the most engrossing thing but good lord do you feel it when you acquire a flamethrower. The way each aspect of the game (production, research, logistics, combat, upgrades for everything therein) feeds into the next is a really well constructed balancing act such that you must experience the full game in order to complete it and I always appreciate this kind of design. I think its one of the best tenets of factory game design especially as its something present in Satisfactory too. Beyond all of this generalised good the game is also excellent in its intricacies, the architecture necessary to build a maximum efficiency base, the level of planning and organisation that can be employed is mind-blowing. Not to mention the mod community, factorion is already an extensive experience and some mad bastards have seen fit to complicate it further, hats off to them. This really is a great moment in gaming.

Destiny 2 (198 hours, all expansions, played some post Forsaken release, mostly Season of Arrivals onwards, spent roughly £20 on microtransactions):

This is a very interesting and enjoyable experience, but I must say it can be a bit controversial at times. What its does particularly well is moment to moment gameplay and design in all aspects. The game is stunning; between environments, cosmetics, shaders ships and ghosts there’s a vast range of incredible things to see, all rooted in the “pseudo-magi-science” aesthetic it’s got going on. The class design is excellent and you really do feel like you embody this rampaging madman / agile gunman / space wizard archetype, whichever you choose to play. The abilities, especially supers, are very satisfying. Everything has heft and power behind it which can be felt in all aspects of design; sound and animation is top notch. Movement is cool, you can feel how fast you move both on foot and in vehicles and the navigation has a little fun subtlety depending on your class jump, even if you can bounce unpredictably occasionally. But for the love of god why is the wall kick in there? It has only ever served to push me from a ledge into a bottomless pit. You're looking to remove antiquated content? Start there. Some guns are not so good to shoot but there’s such a great range of guns that are fun its like complaining about one drop in an ocean; and enemies are fun to shoot at, each faction distinct in meaningful ways and presenting an effective challenge. Speaking of oceans, that’s one way to describe the lore. I haven’t dived too deep but it keeps going down forever and everything I’ve read is intriguing. As a former Elder Scrolls lore nut this is something I could definitely sink my teeth into, though its much more of a pulpy sci-fi vibe than a pure nonsense vibe. I do think the game has a bit of a loot problem, primarily in regards to the conflict between high stats and looking good. This should never be a conflict, and yes you can apply ornaments to any purple gear but that’s not enough when I spend the entire time grinding power levels and thus must change armour and weapons on a constant basis to progress. This game needs a true transmog system and if not that, rethink how gear power level works. Perhaps rather than earning new instances of gear you always possess a version of it and the loot you acquire in missions just upgrades your instance to your current overall power level? This would serve to do away with the current upgrade system which I think is a needless additional grind. Perhaps it could be retained in using enhancement cores to empower gear as present but necessitating a whole upgrade module to keep your favourite weapon on hand is kind of painful honestly. There is also at present the issue of sunsetting gear, mildly controversial to say the least. If it’s necessary to streamline the game and make it function moving forward so be it but surely loot pools should be adjusted so you can actually get useful loot from older locations? And why sunset personal instances of gear which can be acquired at the regular power level anyway? I had to throw away my favourite bow and hunt down a new version of the exact same weapon for… what reason? I do think destination navigation leaves a little to be desired also. I get that having a physical hub world is meaningful but Destiny does not have a very extroverted community; I can count the times someone noticed me in the tower on one hand. And its not even like there’s fun activities to be found in the same sense as say Deep Rock Galactic, which really does take advantage of its hub. Perhaps for players who simply want to go about their business all of the vendors could be set into a menu system where just clicking an icon takes you to their menu from anywhere in the system rather than, per se, having to go through an entire loading screen (Which takes you to orbit and back) to reach a location which serves simply as the front for four menus. These are established player problems. As a dedicated PvE player I can say that this game is immensely fun in combat and growing in power does feel really good. It’s something I recommend getting into, there’s just some very large creases that need ironing which the Bungie should really take the time to address rather than pushing out new in game content every three months.

#the truman show #horizon zero dawn #rimworld #factorio #destiny 2 #d2 #film #movies #video games #i dont know what im doing #hzd #opinion

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myuntoldstory · 3 years

Text

saeran after end after thought

it took me a ducking month and some change because i had to farm hourglasses. when i started playing i kept getting the bad ends and i got so frustrated i didn’t touch the app for two weeks. i had to consult a guide to finally reach the end.

i wanted to play this because i needed to see where jihyun ended up and... well... we all know what happened there. anyway...

i have many thoughts and feelings about this ae. i don’t know if i can ever properly organise them, but i’ll put it in bullet points for now. this is my personal feelings, not any kind of fact. i have nothing against nearly anything and anyone (character or real) involved in this game. i’ll always love and appreciate them for being in this game, for creating this game, for giving us something to love for the past four or five years.

these thoughts are rather unfiltered. this is me coming out hours after finishing the ae. i might change my mind after letting it marinate for a while and after reading up some more about it.

it’s all under the cut. it’s long and rambling. there’s no need to read this, really; the ae is a month old after all, but i just needed to get this out. also, it’s salty as hell. literally saltier than the dead sea. it will dehydrate you... best to not bother with this.

also spoilers.

1. during the first playthrough the game mechanics were wonderful, novel, and immersive. but years later and for the sake of an ae? unnecessary. it’s too long. it’s too much work. i did my due when i played the game during ray’s route. why do i also have to work for something that should have been my reward? why do i still have to worry about hearts, choices, and game branches? why do i have to go through multiple endings? it’s an after end. it’s after the ending.

of course i love new content, i love more content, but not like this. and i know i sound super entitled. if i was impatient i should have justt read the wiki, but i wanted the experience, but not this specific experience. lucky it’s the pandemic and i have more time on my hands, but in normal circumstances my life is very different from what it was in 2016. i can’t be waiting for chats and making plans around it to get to the after ending. honestly i expected something like the secret ends or even similar to the style of jihyun’s ae... but no. apparently, chertiz thinks it’s fun to make us spend three and a half days to reach an AFTER END.

2. saeran choi needs love... but, in my opinion, not ours. not mc’s. the love he needs is his brother’s. the person he needs most is saeyoung choi. he’s suffered so much, endured many things no person should ever endure. of course he deserves romantic love, but i feel like he needed to recover first. that’s why after all this im firmly in the very bare, maybe even empty camp of preferring secret end saeran choi over ray route saeran choi.

3. never in my life has a game made me exhausted about the act of forgiveness. i feel a little sick. it’s terrible to say that, i know, but i am just so emotionally exhausted. there is this heavy feeling in my chest that makes me want to cry because i feel like i somehow destroyed a part of myself?

first it’s the saviour in jihyun’s ae. it’s still her in this ae. but in addition to that there’s also the prime minister? when does it stop? at this point we might as well forgive the twins’ mother too. she imprisoned her own sons to benefit from their father; beat the shit out of and starved saeran to the point that he wanted to die, but there must be a reason behind it, right? like all the villains in this game her choices are not her own; they are the product of their circumstances and we have to understand that.

i just... i understand what cheritz is trying to convey here. and granted saeyoung is not as forgiving, but this isn’t his story. it felt like the forgiveness was nearing some extreme by the end of it. i don’t think there’s anything wrong if you’e unable to forgive. if the only way for you to move forward is to not do so i feel that’s valid. as long as you’re not hurting anyone and that you’re not hurting yourself, you do whatever you need to recover. forgiving is not the only way, the noble way. not everyone’s backstory you have to understand and take into consideration in order to move on. even if they realise what they did was wrong, it’s okay not to forgive. sometimes that’s what we need to take care of ourselves.

im rambling on this point, but im going through this currently. it’s not as extreme as the choi twins or the rfa, but all my life i’ve been forgiving and understanding and it chipped away at me. even at my expense i forgave everything and it landed me in a place im struggling to get out of. i needed justice and this ae didn’t give me a bit of that... at least not in the way i needed.

4. cheritz said this is the grand finale, but... it didn’t feel like it? again this is me being entitled, but i expected something more. something bigger. something poignant because after this mystic messenger is over. i expected some kind of epilogues in the form of story modes. of course i appreciate everything the company has done, especially the efforts of the writers, artists, voice actors, and everyone, but... it’s so rushed? it such a short farewell that instead of getting catharsis and satisfaction i felt... drained. and i feel sad that it’s all over because im not ready to say goodbye and that goodbye is far too short for me.

i don’t know im just sad it’s all over.

also, the conclusion they come to is the dissolution of the rfa once everyone found their happy ending. i... this is a group that has been through some shit and that doesn’t make them closer somehow? the rfa app lies neglected and abandoned as everyone moves on with their lives? that is so... lonely? at least for me.

i mean, of course, not all endings have to be necessarily happy in the “everyone gets together once a week for dinners” kind, but i just... i dont know i expected them to be closer somehow. maybe they are. maybe outside the app they’re all closer, but... i don’t know. i feel sad they’re abandoning the app.

5. and then there’s kim jihyun.

and im... i dont know anymore. if you know me, follow me, or have read any of my fics you know im a jihyun fan. i love that man and YES i know his sins. we all do.

as i played the ae i started to hope that he’d die in the end instead of suffering through this egregious character assassination. yes, i literally preferred that he died and that i go through that pain instead of suffering whatever this is. obviously i dont want him to die, but this is like killing him anyway. they killed the essence of him, who he is as a person. hell, they probably killed him already and just installed a stranger in the ae because that v is not our v. all throughout the game he’s been kind and compassionate and selfless. his whole thing is about protecting the rfa, the mc, saving the saviour, and sacrificing himself for them. this is the idiot who gives you his hearts when you’re being actively nice to his abuser and saeran in his route. his ultimate happy ending involves everyone being happy, reunited, and given the proper mental care. he went away for two years, putting a much needed pause in your budding relationship, not only to recover from his trauma, but also to rescue saeran and help him recover too.

yes, v enabled the saviour even before another story. he lied. he put everyone in danger. he’s reckless and he keeps secrets way more than what’s natural. but he will never let any of them come to harm. my memory is fuzzy but im sure he never lets the rfa get in danger. he was devastated when yoosung got injured. he also tried to rescue seven and mc in the secret ends thats why he got shot. this guy always looks out for everyone.

in what world is he okay with drugging the twins? making deals with the villains? the idea of trapping the twins in the saviour’s delusional, twisted family life? he’s not the type to be okay just standing there when his best friend’s life is falling apart or for even causing it. when zen, jaehee, and yoosung get backed into the corner he wouldn’t have been just idle. but in this ae all he does is play stacking chairs, buy strawberry yoghurt, and echo the saviour’s words like a puppet. he asks only mc to save herself and like... jesus christ he never gets a break. he doesn’t even get the same gesture of forgiveness everyone and their father gets. he goes through a trial and jail, which is fair enough, but he’s also a victim of abuse and suffering and despair and mental illness. but somehow because it’s v it’s okay that this is all he gets. somehow he doesn’t deserve any compassionate resolution.

literally the only time he’s happy is his route and after end and even then that happiness is not his own. even then there were concessions to be made before he could get it.

seriously. it seems like cheritz hates him. they think little to nothing of him. if that’s the case why even make content for him? he’s not even meant to be romanceable in the original stories. they could’ve just ignored the petitions and left him as a side character. i mean, i dont know if i prefer that honestly, i do appreciate the content we got, but as his fan it hurts to see all this half-hearted decisions. and to see all this hate still pouring out for him, now magnified because of this ae.

this is like a tiring odyssey, starting way back when he got shot and killed all because he loved someone. he loved the wrong person and it’s the wrong kind of love and he committed his crimes because of it. he had a hand in making the rfa and mc suffer, but still all he did was love. and i know that sounds blind and naive and ignorant and im sorry for not picking up the nuances of his relationship with the saviour, but that’s all i saw. i saw a guy loving the wrong person and it made him make all the wrong choices leading to a bad life.

gah. i am drained people. i am drained, and frustrated, and tired.

#jihyun kim #mystic messenger #tag this please #im sorry for this #i dont know why im apologising #i guess for my thoughtless rambles #it became a rant #this is all unfiltered #dont bother reading im just ranting #ive had like an hour sleep today because reasons #anyway thats not an excuse or anything #ANYWAY these are just stupid thoughts #i had to let it out

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superemeralds · 4 years

Note

OH WOW thank you for answering so fast!! I wanted to ask because in my opinion, Shadow is written kind of... poorly.. at the metal virus arc :c and I love how you characterize Shadow!! I was wondering, if you could, how would you have written him in it?

okay so this got. RAELLY long. it’s under the read more.. hhaaa... get ready for rambles.

before i start on what i would love to see different, here’s a few things that i really liked about his characterization in idw:

shadow being persistent about what he thinks is right, being very straightforward and strict in wanting to execute his ideal

the way he stepped down and let sonic try his way instead of being stubborn because sonic made a very good point. Shadow wants to be fair, and if he of all people deserves a chance, then so should eggman. kind of ties back to maria also, which is a nice nod to have considering it seems like modern writers for sonic usually treat the ending of shth as “ok she never existed to him anyways”

i like that he uses his GUN affiliation to his advantage to do good and help people (even if by rouges account he does it because he doesnt want to deal with zombots)

he has great devotion to make sure the truck is safe and peole get a chance to get out, giving (according to the comics anyways) more than 100% of his power dealing with hundreds if not thousands of zombots alone

I like that there’s a nod to shadow being insecure about his status as ultimate life form, and he is tempted to get infected just to prove to himself he really CANT get sick and he really IS a perfect being. He struggled a lot with the high expectations that were laid upon him, the expectations he’s laying upon himself.

I like how he had a great sense of shock and defeat when he realized that he DID get infected. It’s very true for him to be thrown off by it, get a little careless due to shock. its natural. it’s good.

his “i told you something like this would happen” towards sonic in the beginning of #19 is justified. He hates that he was right, he always is, and he wishes he wasnt. he could’ve prevented this, but its too late now. then later he risks getting infected with the metal virus, and he DOES get infected. He suddenly wasnt right anymore. This sense of irony... it’s probably one of the reasons he has trouble to concentrate on the fight. it’s a nice parallel. IDK if ian intended it to be this deep, but that’s what i read into it.

(i also want to point out that i like that herms gives everyone slightly diverse “skin”-tones. like diverse undertones. im still peeved they are all pretty pale but its hoenstly a nice little nod)

okay so here’s what i think could’ve gone better:

I feel like shadow being the one to drive the truck into the city is a reference to 06, where he is driving around in various vehicles. That in itself is nice, and i think shadow is a person who prefers to do things himself if there’s a lot at stake (which there was a lot of peoples lives) but i also think that he would think of himself as a powerful shield. He would rather be the one overseeing the battlefield insread of being the designated driver. He knows he was created for the frontlines, and he is someone who knows he can survive the front lines. He is not a sacrefice tobe made, he is the one who will make sure that no one else has to sacrefice themselves. Shadow should’ve been on site from the very beginning. Where is the rest of GUN anyways? Those low level humans should make an effort to protect the life on their planet.

Shadow did absolutely NOT use 100% of his pwoer to protect the truck. He could EASILY have done more. He can lift trucks. He could use chaos blast. He could easily have prevented just faling victim to the zombots so easily.

As mentioned above it kind of DOES make sense for him to go down easily due to being infected, but I think this was the wrong time to let him get infected. I think he wouldn’t let his guard down and carelessly touch a zombot. He would not give in to the temptation to test his limits like this if there was not a greater cause. I think he would easily break if someone he cared about (other than sonic) fell victim to the metal virus. This is something that would get him emotional, to get careless. He knows sonic can outrun the virus, but rouge can’t. Amy, Tails, Knuckles, Vector, all of Sonic’s friends can’t outrun the virus. There’s a big chance that he is immune, there’s a slim chance he is not. But even with that slim chance, he knows he could outrun it, just like sonic. Losing someone he cares about to the virus would remind him of his superiority, of how fragile life is and of his responsibility to protect life itself. Any restrait would be gone. He would be driven by guilt and anger at himself, that he could’ve done better, that he HAS to do better. It’s something that spirals him totally out of control. It’s something that would make him want to prove to himself that he has the ability to fix it all. because it’s all his fault.

this is honestly something that is so important. he feels responsible for this, because he did what was right and gave sonic and eggman a chance. In his mind, sometimes the right hting to do is the wrong thing to do, because sometimes only wrong actions get you to the right goal. he is a gray character like that, and i think it’s not shown enough. his regret and guilt don’t surface enough so that anyone who is not as invested in the character would be able to read it out of #19. there’s a lot of stuff going on inside shadow in this issue and its just. not enough time to unpack it all. this whole deal of him getting infected was too rushed. (as mentioned above i wouldve preferred he get infected a little later or under other circumstances)

I think shadow is aware of his responsibility as living weapon to not fall into the hands of the enemy. he has learned what it means to be manipulated, he learned what it means if he was used as a weapon by an enemy of life on earth. he does NOT want to be used as an object of destruction ever again. He would RUN. even if hesitant, but his emotions would make him excell even in that. he would make sure he’d run faster than sonic. he’s want to make sure that he’d give 110% and cure himself, something sonic couldn’t do.

the way he would go down in my mind is him excerting himself. He would absolutely reject help. he would prefer to not have any contact with anyone at all. For one because he feels guilty and he doesn’t want to deal with that emotionally, also because he doesn’t want anyone to see him in this state of weakness. He absolutely would loathe the idea of anyone being able to see him go down and surrender to the enemy. He would absolutely exhaust his entire energy reservoir building barricades and being the sole and only front line protecting evacuation efforts from a distance, to make sure that they have enough buffer to escape, should he fail.

shadow is someone who is rash and has a tendency to boast his strength, but he also is someone who tries to consider any and all possibilities, no matter how painful they are to admit to his pride. he will shove them to the back of his mind, but they are still there. and if it COMES to those scenarios, he will have a plan for them. only if unpredictable things happen, or things that shake him emotionally, he would lose grip.

also in all those talks abt things shaking him emotionally, i dont mean that other people who arent his friends are not important to him, its just that friendship has a bigger impact on people. i think that should be pretty obvious, but since people like to misinterpret shadow id like to make sure people understand that i think that shadow values all and every life on the planet. he griefs over random deaths as much as his friends, it’s just that it hits more personal. mostly because he thinks... of himself as someone who always protects, but never has to be protected.

shadows relationship with himself is complicated. he thinks very low of himself. he pretty much hates himself. but that is because he thinks oh so highly of himself. he is perfect, ultimate, unbeatable, unstoppable, immortal, immune.... he expects all this of himself... even though he knows that it’s not true. it’s the one thing that he knows of himself. The one thing he feels that he could maybe achieve if he tried hard enough, and of course he is never trying hard enough; and at the same time he is trying so hard. He gives 300% and yet he still feels like he halfasses everything and he still feels like he could do better. On the outside he presents it with his strict edgy persona, that looks down on everyone. but really he feels so small. most of all towards sonic. sonic is so so tall compared to shadow (pun intended).

he looks up to sonic so much, because he always manages to go out of hisway to do what is right. even if it meant risk, even if it meant weakness. Sonic, the guy that easily could just get killed and hurt and not recover. the funny jokes dude that never thinks more than a single step ahead. This boy is out there risking his life for the life of this planet on the front lines and he shows not a single care about his own safety, always putting everyone else before him. shadow envies him. he really really does. thats why he values his opinoin. thats why he listens to him and even steps back from his OWN ideals, something he would do for only VERY few people, because of course shadow is always right. this is referenced in various sonic games (sa2 most of all,shth,sth) and in sonic x (yea its not canon but like. They Really Got His Character).

ADDING SOME RAMBLING AFTER ISSUE #33 RELEASED

#shadcanon #kinda?#meta/ shadow #i still love my meta tag #anonymous #fan lore

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renjunsmom · 4 years

Text

What is love? | l. jeno

Ghost! Jeno x Human! reader

a/n: im back!! well i dont know if i’ll continue writing on this blog but this has been sitting in my drafts for forever so i figured i would just finish it and post it. i’ll be writing on my new hq writing sideblog @happytsukki !! hope you enjoy, its kinda messy oops.

some say “new year, new me” but unfortunately for you it also meant a new house

moving was just as bad as you think

the trouble of unpacking and packing,,,,the worst part was having to adjust to the entirely new environment

so it was pretty lonely

well, until you met the ghost that lived in your new house

i know what you’re thinking

it was horrifying at first

one day you were simply trying to put away extra plates on the top shelf in the kitchen

feeling accomplished you began unpacking something else

you placed the heavy box onto the counter not even realizing you shook the stack of plates directly above you

a plate was imminently gonna fall on you

luckily for you the boy living in your house caught it as it grazed your hair

looking up you see the plate and turn to your savior

SCREAAAAAAAAMMMMMM

you didn’t know if you were most shocked about how attractive the guy’s face was or the fact that this was a stanger in your home

you quickly grabbed the nearest thing to protect you

a spatula

“back off, or i-i’m gonna flip your ass outta here” you threatened

instead of retreating back in fear the odd boy began laughing

he held his stomach as tears began falling from his eyes

“you’re threatening me with a, a spatula???”

you gave him a death stare

“okay okay fine. i’m lee jeno, your roommate i guess you could say.”

hOL UP

“roommate?? who is you???”

jeno put out his hand and gave you a bright smile

“my bad, let me be more specific: i’m a ghost and i can’t leave this house”

this sounded like a load of bs to you,,,so you pushed his hand out of the way and examined him

“a ghost?”

his skin did seem to be unusually fair and under his cute eyes were so heavy bags

“believe it or not, i, lee jeno am a ghost but don’t worry. i know how to pass on peacefully, but i’ll need your help.”

the next few months made you feel like sherlock holmes

you agreed to help jeno pass on by helping him find out what happened to his parents

living in the same house with him was extremely difficult

he was always popping up in random places, giving you the biggest jumpscares

when your parents came home from long business trips it wasn’t easy hiding him

but jeno became your best friend and gave some damn good love advice

you had a crush on na jaemin, the boy next door

he was basically perfect package 📦

sadly you could never muster up the courage to converse with him

but jeno insisted

first he threw a rock from your window to his

then he left your window open which seemed like an open invitation to talk

next thing you knew you were laughing and talking with THE na jaemin

it was a dream come true

for you

while the stars in your eyes shined brighter and your smile grew bigger everyday

jeno stood at the side admiring how beautiful you were

how he wished that he met you in his lifetime

he wondered if ghosts could have feelings, if they even had hearts

because if he did, his beat uncontrollably for you

“what is love?”

he asked you out of the blue one night

you thought long and hard:

“well love comes in many different forms, but love is caring for someone unconditionally sometimes without reason. its their image constantly creeping into your brain and just the sound of their voice giving you heart palpitations. most of all its the ability to accept their flaws and imperfections.”

jeno was mesmerized by your words

but the thought saddened him

“i wish i fell in love before i, you know, died” he confessed

you looked into his sullen eyes, feeling the deep pain he suffered from

oh how you wished you knew what to tell him. what are you supposed to tell a ghost? you wished you could tell him that he would eventually find someone, someone who could give him the world, like he deserved. but fate proved to be cruel and deep down you knew the circumstances were different.

you wrapped your arms around him in a hug, giving off the warmth and love he’d been longing for

“but i happened to fall in love in my afterlife” he whispered

you didn’t hear, already drawing back from the warm embrace by that time.

exhaustion fell over your body and you let out a yawn. “i’m sleepy now jeno. goodnight and sweet dreams.”

He nodded and walked towards the door but before leaving he looked at you, laying there so peacefully. how your mouth hung slightly ajar and the way you snored ever so lightly caused his lips to curl up.

“goodnight, my love.”

the next morning you quickly grabbed breakfast and darted for the door. last week you promised jeno you would look into his death more.

but something stopped you. at your doorstep stood a couple in their late 40s. their faces soaked with tears and eyes swollen red. in the man’s hand was a picture frame.

“oh, i’m sorry, we didn’t realize someone was home right now. we’ll leave immediately.” he spoke between his sobs.

the woman next to him wailed, clutching her heart and holding a baseball. “w-we happened to pass by and we just wanted to reminisce by our old home. you see, our son died a year ago from a hit and run; he loved this home more than anything, except maybe baseball.” she managed to stifle out a dry laugh at the last part.

but your world stopped. suddenly you felt the presence of jeno by your side. his mouth hung agape and his eyes widened at the sight of the couple. “mom? dad?” he managed to whisper amidst his shock.

tears spilled down his eyes, but unlike his parents, his voice had no despair or pain. he simply laughed, “thank you. thank you for visiting me today.” He took a step forward and tried to wrap his arms around his parents, but they immediately fell through and dissipated.

While the scene unraveled you could do nothing but stare at jeno and his parents. you wanted to yell: He’s right here in front of you! He didn’t go anywhere!

but you knew that only you could see him and instead you flung your arms around the strangers. sobbing along with them. “i’m sorry for you loss. I’m sure he was a great person.”

they felt so moved by your sudden sympathy and asked you if they could leave his picture here. you happily accepted, knowing that his spirit would soon be able to pass.

when they left you looked over at jeno, his eyes already boring into you with a grin planted on his face.

“hey, don’t look at me like that, i’m a mess” you whined, covering your face from his view.

“y/n. thank you.” was all he said. he inched forward and engulfed you in a hug, tighter than the other ones since he knew this would be his last.

“you’re so dramatic jeno.” you said into his shoulder. “i didn’t even do anything. i’m a pretty useless detective because they basically just came to me.”

He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and gently took your fingertips into his, “that may be so, but because of you i got to feel what love was. i thought i would leave this world without ever feeling my heart race or finding someone’s hands fit perfectly into mine.”

“i love you y/n. and though we didn’t meet in this life, i hope we can meet in the next one. i’m depending on it.” he declared, wiping away the single tear that fell from the corner of your eye. He leaned forward, holding his forehead to yours and and took in all the emotions.

He kissed the tip of your nose and you couldn’t help but giggle, “I should be thanking you jeno. you taught me love, and i wish i saw it earlier. you are love. now, you better not break your promise, we have to meet in the next life.”

He pulled back and smiled in endearment, “of course y/n. but don’t be a lonely cat lady, okay? be with jaemin, i can tell he’s a good guy and i want the best for you. goodbye my love.”

Then he disappeared without a trace. the only remembrance you had of him was the picture his parents gave you. written on the back was a surprise little note that read I’ll marry you in the next life, i promise. love, lee jeno.

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bhreathe · 3 years

Text

I wrote this a year ago. 29 February 2020. I am still here now, almost a year later. But i just thought this is necesaary for my own diary.

30 year old, no business, jobless, gay, atheist or perhaps agnostic, raped, hiv-positive man living in a conservative country with conservative extended family with probably more open-minded small family

I used to be in control of everything. I was 26, healthy, with loved ones, proper career, and sufficient business experience.

I felt i could do anything.

I thought the stair to the world was built and stacked.

But, now, i feel my best qualities and circumstances are gone

I am growing darker. I keep saying sorry to others, because nobody is saying it to me. Nobody is sorry of what they have done. And i dont want others to see me like this.

I worry that i will pollute us, our home, our air, our life.

I wanna believe that everything is falling into place eventually, but i simply cannot dismiss that the perspective is falling apart instead.

Unfortunately this is why i do not want to be closer to anyone. I feel like i am a corruption that would infect you with my ego, my selfishness, my negative perspective in life. I do not want to grow into a manipulative one. If you are drenched in tears right now, thank you, as that would be the last manipulation i want to attempt to you.

I am saddened by our circumstances and my choices. But we are family. I know why you all did what you did. Why you all do what you do.

I know why Mom chose to build herself a walk in closet when i barely have space to live because she needed to maintain her own sanity.

I know why Mas decided to take over the restaurant when it was clearly what i was planning to do because he needed to make sure his budding family is safe and sound.

I know why my Dad ignored what happened to me because he was also tired of non-fulfilling life, and Mas Raffa gave him life.

I know. I know.

I know why you all did what you did. Why you all do what you do. Mbak Nadia, Mas Raffa, his younger siblings, are the new leaf. New loan of life for our family.

Mom, remember when i was small, i dreamt of you passing away. In the dream, The journey back home after burying you was a labyrinth, consisting of long and winding paths. Your specter showed up here and there telling me i was okay. I woke up from the dream, sobbing with you next to me.

Dad, remember when i was young, i went to the pesantren retreat. When the time to go home finally came, me and my brother were waiting for you. And yet you were not there. So we had to board the bus. My brother was so annoyed by my cries.

But I am aware at that point of time that i loved mom and dad so very much. I needed you all so very much. And you too Mas, Mbak.

My friends, especially the one i spent most of my times in the most recent years. Thank you for spending it with me. For my hiv-positive friends, keep living, i know its ironic for me for saying that, but i hope i shed some lights to the issue that we are facing.

For the closest ones, K and Y, who have taken me in as refuge, thank you. Thank you for accepting almost everything about me.

For my ex-es, thank you for ever embracing me in your arms. For A, thank you for trying your best to accept me and pamper me, even in our worst moment. My last memory is filled to the brim with our time spent together. It was beautiful and i would rather have it as my last moments.

Masodo, thank you for being a strong brother for me. You are kind. But you need to learn that the world does not revolve around you. People will talk when they need to talk. When you force other to talk when they do not want to, it speaks louder on your issues rather on theirs. I am only telling you this, not because you are a man of the family, but because you are the leader of the family. You are the only heir now. Be kind, be patient, and be earful. Listen. Really listen.

Mbak Nad, i am sorry for leaving you like this. Please take care of mom and dad, for my brother is not built for that. He may provide for money but he was not tuned for tending to my parents, but i believe you can.

Mas Raffa, (dan adik-adiknya) always do the right thing. Be a good person. Be kind to others and yourself. Be powerful, beautiful and knowledgeable so that you can protect and nurture others. Learn to be strong and benevolent so that you can stand back and let others shine along.

Remember, a sun can only make a solar system. But, millions or billions of stars can concoct a galaxy.

Remember that anger and jealousy are not necessary. Everyone is equal, despite the differences in skin color, race, religious belief, nationality, sex, sexual orientation, or ability. Never judge others unless it is related to life and harm, for you can only imagine how one person journey was and to be, but you could have never been really in their shoes; even if you are their twin. The world will always be unjust, unfair and unkind, that does not mean you shouldn’t be just, fair, and kind. God may be exist, but god may also not be exist; but the learning from the religious teachings is nevertheless a valuable thing.

You know, the worst part about having a depression, is people expect you to behave as if you don’t have one. And maybe because i have put on so many masks in my life, just to get by, i believed that people would not believe me if i told my story.

If only, i am smart enough. To think of other alternatives, other possibilities, other conjunctures in my life. I may choose a different path. But i am not, so that’s that.

If i am no longer breathing upon this message was received, understand that, this is my choice. None of you; dad, mom, mas, mbak, my past partners, my closest ones, my friends, or my colleagues, are responsible for this.

I am merely exhausted. Drained of life. Tired of how i should live well and according to society. Constantly pretending that i am sturdy, benevolent, and clever, as if i am the desired child and person is exhausting. I am as brittle as a chip of ice. I am as benevolent and clever as Rasputin kind.

You may call me coward. But, At least i am brave enough to take my own life, right Bi? and not being called annoying coward for keep complaining. Rather than living and become a monthly major burden. I would rather be a yearly minor burden. I hope it is minor, as the grave should not cost as much money as my living necessities. Hehe. Sorry for this dark humour, it has always been a part of me.

If one day you meet a person who is similar to one of my many characteristics, be that older than 30 years, have no job, have no business or busy-ness, part of queer community, part of atheist/agnostic community, experienced the horror of rape or sexual assault, has hiv-positive status (or other situation where they might be shunned by people or their own thought), or simply a refuge from where they used to live, please grace them with support, kindness, and sincerity for part of me is living among them.

#depression #suicidal #hiv #sexualassault #survivor #dark #jobless #pointless #living #daybyday #hivpositive

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pocket-void · 4 years

Note

Hi, I was wondering if you could talk a little (or a lot) about Marcus' relationship with c!thomas? (no pressure if you dont want to of course) Thanks either way!

Anon, I will literally always talk a lot about anything given the chance. Especially if it’s something I made, so it’s what you’re getting! Hope that’s ok with ya. o///o (Do keep in mind that this is also my version of c!Thomas since I’m making stuff up for it)

Marcus has a very one sided relationship with c!Thomas, and it’s not purely anyone’s fault that it became that way. It was actually kind of inevitable.

Growing up, Marcus considered himself a warrior and Thomas’ defender. He wasn’t a hero or knight like Roman, but he was a diligent and loyal soldier. Nobody was going to hurt Thomas and get away with it! He’ll make sure of it! Kids get huffy and mad and fight all the time, and that’s was all him. It’s his job to make sure Thomas was being treated fairly and gets what he deserves!

Why does that kid get to play with your toy? Why do you have to go to bed early? Why are we stuck in this classroom when it’s so nice outside? Why are you getting detention when you did nothing wrong? Every irritated thought and frustrated circumstance is just him trying to push Thomas to fight for better treatment. (In whatever way kids think is “fair” ^///^)

Marcus wants the best for Thomas, just like any of the other sides. He always has, and still does! He’s willing to fight tooth and nail for him! But eventually his way of doing things just wasn’t considered “good” anymore. Slowly he started getting told that throwing tantrums was childish, getting angry was irrational, being insulted wasn’t a big deal and that he was overreacting to things. Was he actually sometimes? Sure, maybe, but there was no way he was wrong, right...? Things weren’t fair and he was just trying to fix it, what’s wrong with that?

The problem was that he was going to get Thomas hurt too. Thomas became more and more unsure about himself as he grew older. At some point you can’t just start fights anymore. At some point getting angry just got you into more trouble. At some point you start wondering what getting angry all the time said about you. At some point you don’t think being angry is justified anymore. Maybe you were in the wrong, maybe is wasn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be. At some point anger became a bad thing. And so, inevitably, Marcus also became a bad thing. He wasn’t a chivalrous knight or a dependable father figure, he was a warrior, and now he no longer had any wars to fight. So, he was eventually shut down and repressed.

Marcus cares for Thomas, but he’s also mad at Thomas for abandoning him. For just pushing him away. For pretending as if he didn’t exist. It’s really affected him, actually. Way more than he’d ever admit, because Thomas is one of the most important people in his life. (He’s part of him, after all) It hurts to think that everything about him is bad for Thomas. Can you imagine if your mere existence was somehow bad for someone? He knows that he takes things too far sometimes, so in a way he’s aware that he has to be kept in check, but nobody has ever helped him with that. It’s effected him so much because at the end of the day he’s also a crucial part of Thomas: Self respect.

It’s different from self care, and it’s more than just self worth. It’s knowing that you are and should be someone who matters not only to yourself, but others too. It’s knowing that no matter how much you love and care about someone, you don’t deserve to be treated poorly by them. That even if you were a failure or unsuccessful, doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be treated like a god damn person. Getting mad at someone who has wronged you is a justified emotion. It’s ok to be angry at people. It’s how you manage it afterwards that matters.

But nobody’s managed Marcus, he’s just kind of been set aside until he’s forgotten about. He needs Thomas to work with him if anything’s going to be resolved. Just like any other side! But that’s not how things are right now. Right now, he’s just another aspect that been kept hidden away. Thomas would be afraid of him because he appears destructive and out of control. And he definitely can be, but at the end of the day he, just like the other sides, just wants the best for Thomas in his own way.

There’s a lot of interconnected reasons with the other sides behind their exact relationship, but I’ll say this: Patton plays a big role in it. I’ll go into that some other day, but I’m sure you can probably see where Pat is involved. There’s some other stuff I thought about talking about but I wasn’t sure how to word it so I think I’ll stop here for now akjfnkef. >///<

#I thought too hard about this because I was worried it didn't make sense akjfef #But thank you for the question I appreciate it lots ;///;#Give me permission to speak and I will s p e a k #but yeah! I may have to keep thinking about some stuff but that's kind of the basic idea #Marcus is in a bit of a paradox which is why he's a little contradictory sometimes #maybe I'll find a good way to explain that e v e n t u a l l y #orange side #mock talks #ask #Marcus

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cowabungacafe · 3 years

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hi! could i request a tmnt matchup please? i'm rather short (1,60cm), chubby, and i look like a mix of 90's grunge and early 2000 emo. i'm anti-authority, and i am a leader, not a follower. if i don't think that a rule makes sense, or is useful, i'm not going to follow it. however, i'm mostly pretty obedient, and i don't cause much trouble. some people see me as a big brother type of person, because i protect and support when needed, and i have a 'caretaker' type persona. i can succeed at everything i *want* to succeed at, the rest doesn't interest me. i present myself as incredibly confident, hella sassy, sarcastic and like i don't have a care in the world, even though i'm really sensitive, introverted, kinda timid and insecure. i cry a lot over small things, and beat myself up relentlessly when i make mistakes. in general, i don't think highly of myself at all, but l would never outright admit that, or speak up. i just really hate having to trust someone with my emotions. i love making people around me laugh, it makes me really happy. i can be a bit petty, and teasing, but only in a joking manner. i actually get flustered really easily, and i never initiate anything, even though i adore physical affection of any kind. what most people are surprised by is my fair and unbiased way of judging. i stand up for anyone who is treated unfairly, even if i have to stand my own against authority (which makes me incredibly nervous). then again, i'm unable to protect myself, and i just quietly take everything that is said to me. i get scared really easily, and i'm afraid of being hit or yelled at. hope this was okay♡

My oh my! I have to admit this was pretty hard. And i thought about this for one whole day and then it hit me who im gonna match u up with. Thank you for requesting, i hope you got who you wanted.

The above gif is the vibe you gave me and also i love this gif

I match you with

Raphael

Why i matched you with your result

You are leaderly and hardly wanna be a follower and an anti-authority, which resonates with raphs rebel vibes. If there's a rule that you think is wrong, you dont follow it no matter what. Just like raph, if raph thinks there some rules that literaly have no meaning he wont follow it and none can make him.

You show as if you are tough and dgaf about the world but deep down you're just a soft plushie baby who needs to be hugged tightly, same as raph, raph shows as if he doesn't care about this world and often talks about leaving his bros and starting his life separately, but the truth is quite opposite. He is very insecure and he thinks he doesn't deserve his bros.He cares and loves his brothers and the world deeeeply and can't think of a live without them. He says those stuff to maintain the "hardcore" persona. He too carries the sarcastic and sassy af vibe.

You will help someone and anyone in need no matter what the circumstances, even if its one man vs the world. Raph too will fight the demons if he have to to save someone he thinks is in need.

Just like you, raph too shows as if he doesn't get shy but thats not true, he is just a soft cinnamon roll in "badboy" skin. So any type of physical touch makes this red bandana mutant a full on tomato. Yes he is that flustered.

Raph is the most sarcastic of the brothers(i just checked that from the tmnt wiki)and will always go around throwing petty snarky comments on his smart-brain brothers(leo and donnie especially lol) so here too you resonate with him.

Raph is a pretty good brother i like to think even more reasonable than leo (as he argued with leo why mikey doesnt get a vote on the secrecy of purple ooze). Maybe thats why mikey is seen around raph more bcus raph too gives those protective big brother who may come off as harsh but will listen to your problems with open ears. (Maybe thts why he became the eldest brother in rottmnt). Here too you match with him.

Raph is reluctant on telling someone about his emotions as he thinks it will hamper his hardcore mode, until you came( read along the random hcs )

Although considered the hothead of the group, raphs sense of judgement isnt that far behind fron leos.

After mikey, raph is probably the second jokester, maybe not on the same level of mikey but pretty snarky and petty jokes lol.

Sometimes he breaks down when he realises that how the decision he took was wrong and how much it has affected not only him but his near and dear ones too. Like in the 2016, the stealing of the purple ooze from the police hqs made their existence known and April and Casey were taken into custody.

Random headcanons of both of you when together

Your first meeting is prolly when he was out on a patrol and saw u trying save an old lady who was getting mugged. He was watching from the rooftop the whole time, of how you advanced and told the robber to leave her alone with apparently no weapon in hand, until he came down when he felt like its showtimee!!

When you find some fault in Leo's plan/strategy you point them out right away and raph cant help but admire you and mouth the word "thats my girl", finally he has someone to back his ass up.

Your leadership qualities are excellent and even sensei confirmed that and raphs chest grew 4 inches wider with a permanent grin on his face and sending snarky looks towards leo, who is just rolling their eyes away.

Though he is usually the tough guy, but with you its a whole different thing. He shows a diff side to you, the side not many has witnessed. He is usually soft and goofy around you, if you're tired he will bring some food over at your place or just take you out for a lil dinner on the rooftops. He will spoil you with things you like.

He knows that you're pretty sensitive and flinch and gets scared of scolding or yelling(he knew it from the first time he had a fight with you and he raised his voice then suddenly he saw your eyes filling up with tears. From then on, he is always careful around you)

Everytime you cry whether be it a sad movie or someone which made you cry, he will cuddle with you and cradle you while brushing your hair and humming some lullaby which sensei used to sing to him.

#tmnt raphxreader #tmnt bayverse #tmnt #tmnt raph #tmnt raph x reader #tmnt raphael #tmnt raphael x reader #tmnt matchup #tmnt mstchups #tmnt ask #tmnt asks #tmnt ask box open #askbox open #tmnt askbox open

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