Happy Birthday Newt!
@dont-offend-the-bees A combination of you telling me that anything cute and Valicey would do as a birthday fic and me knowing that you are still into Saw as a fandom led to this -- Victor and Alice reacting to the first Saw movie, inspired by a couple of posts I saw on your blog before you moved all the Sawposting to The Secret Saw Sideblog! Though the fic is technically Valicer out of necessity, because the only way I could think of to get the pair to watch it was to have it be a Halloween Movie Nights pick by Smiler's friend Thirteen, as per this headcanon post...
--
“That is unfair!”
“What’s unfair?” Thirteen asked, looking over at Alice.
“The ending!” Alice said, waving at the slowly-rolling credits on the screen before them. “All Jigsaw said to Adam was that he had to survive until six o’clock, correct? Nothing else? No other secret catches?”
“Don’t ask me,” Victor muttered, hands over his face. “I am actively trying to erase this movie from my mind.”
“There there,” Smiler said, rubbing his back comfortingly. “You’ll be fine – and yeah, ‘survive until six’ was the gist of it,” they added to Alice.
“Well, six o’clock rolled around, and Adam was still alive!” Alice pointed out, stabbing another finger at the TV. “He was wounded, sure, but he was still very much fucking alive! Which means he succeeded! Lawrence was the one who failed in his goal! And yet Lawrence’s the one who gets to crawl off and seek help while Adam gets electrocuted and sentenced to – I guess starving to death in that horrible bathroom? All because he, unsurprisingly, didn’t notice a damn key in his bathtub when he first woke up?”
“You are assuming a lot in thinking Lawrence survived after–” Victor swallowed and shuddered. “After c-cutting off his own f-f-foot.”
“Actually, uh, it’s canon Lawrence survives,” Oblivion put in, sporting a slightly sheepish grin. “He shows up again in Saw 3D.”
“Oh great – when do we watch that one?”
“Don’t worry, we don’t have time for tonight,” Thirteen informed him with a cheeky smirk.
“What, because it’s long?”
“No, because it’s film number seven.”
That finally got Victor to look up. “It’s – wait, what?”
“Yeah, for some reason they decided to name it after the 3D gimmick instead of following the numbering system,” Rita explained, leaning around her girlfriend. “And then films eight and nine are Jigsaw and Spiral respectively, though Spiral’s actually more like a spin-off of the main series–”
“Can I please fully express my annoyance over the fact that Jigsaw killed Adam despite him winning his ‘game’ before we start talking about how this series screwed up its numbering system over halfway through?” Alice cut in, folding her arms and scowling.
“Well, the thing you have to understand about Jigsaw is – he’s a total asshole,” Thirteen reminded her. “He says that his games are to help ‘rehabilitate’ people and make them appreciate life and all that bullshit, sure, but honestly, I believe the dude just wants to torture as many people as he can, both before and after he bites it.”
“I can believe that,” Victor muttered, shivering. Smiler put a comforting arm around him. “And this is probably the least bloody of all the movies, isn’t it?”
“I haven’t seen them all, but I’m pretty sure it is, yes,” Galactica confirmed, giving him a sympathetic look from the other side of Oblivion. “You know, you could have left if you weren’t enjoying it – we wouldn’t have thought any less of you for it.”
“Yeah, I’m shocked you actually sat through the whole thing,” Smiler admitted, giving him a little squeeze.
“I am too, honestly,” Alice said, wrapping her arm around him to do the same. “I’m used to horrors like these – hell, the bathroom looked kind of like one I saw in Rutledge – but I know it’s not your cup of tea.”
“I thought it would be too rude to just get up and leave,” Victor groaned, putting his face in his hands again. “And I kept telling myself, ‘it’s the very first one, it can’t be that bad...’”
“We won’t make you watch any of the others,” Thirteen promised, patting his knee. “I mean, I appreciate you making the effort, but despite appearances, I don’t want you to have nightmares.”
“Thanks.” Victor shook his head. “I know you love that sort of thing, but – it’s just not for me.”
“Me either – especially if John Kramer can’t practice what he preaches,” Alice agreed, glaring at the screen as the DVD menu came up again.
“It’s actually not my favorite series either, if I’m honest,” Thirteen confessed. “I just like this one because of all the hot gay tension between Lawrence and Adam.”
“...there was a surprising amount of that,” Victor allowed.
“Mmm – though given Lawrence is married, he’d better start talking to his wife about either opening the relationship or getting a divorce before he hobbles his way back to that bathroom,” Alice declared.
“You know, I bet there’s a fic like that somewhere on AO3,” Smiler said, pulling out their phone. “Who wants to find a nice domestic AU to help us all decompress?”
4 notes
·
View notes
she says he won't let her get a dog, which is fine, because they're in an apartment, and that's the kind of thing people say about their partners. he won't let me get a dog. and you're at a dinner party and you tilt your head a little to the side just like that dog he won't let her get, because is this the thing that's going to upset you? you don't know every corner of their relationship, she could be joking, they could have had so many healthy conversations about the dog, right, and maybe she's not letting herself get the dog because of money and time and whatever. but, like, she did say let
and she wants to move away from his hometown and he wants to stay and then he tells you with a wink and a conspiratorial stage whisper don't worry i'll convince her and she laughs about it - so clearly this is something they laugh about. but you do just stand there and stare at him like what the fuck, man. you can't say what you want to say which is why do you get the final say on everything because they're both obviously aware of the other person's stance on this and have obviously had private conversations about it and what are you going to do about it except make a scene and then he'll be mad at you and call you one of those bitches behind your back and she'll cut you off, which is a loss that doesn't feel worth it just because he makes you a little skeeved out every 3rd comment
and they both agree he just isn't the type to get flowers which is fine because everyone shows love differently, and are you really gonna judge someone based on their sense of individual relationship responsibility? maybe he's constantly cleaning her car and writing her poems and making her furniture or something. maybe she doesn't even like flowers and this is perfect, actually. and no you couldn't date him, obviously, ew; but like, she tells you she's happy. you almost send her a tiktok that says don't be 25 and the cool girl that doesn't need anything, you'll hate not getting flowers at 30, but that's like, starting drama & you shouldn't start drama needlessly.
and you're a little older than her but not so much older you can pull the whole trust me on this one babe thing and besides that wouldn't have worked anyway (when does it ever) and besides you have trauma so you and your therapist both agree that you're always looking for a problem even when there isn't one. and you tell yourself that just because you see them for 15 minutes every month does not mean you can identify every single red flag based on a single shitty half-joking(?) comment
and besides, what are you going to do? she says i actually wanted another stand mixer but thankfully he stops me when i'm about to spend too much money and you're standing there like are you okay? is this normal? is this just something people say? and again - what are you going to do?
to your therapist you try to language it - it's not, like, any of my business. but sometimes, doesn't it feel like - you should do something. there's got to be something, right? you've tried dropping little hints but they sail right through and you've tried having a single serious conversation and she got upset because why does it matter to you, yes it's different but we're happy, it doesn't need to make sense to you and you're like. really unwilling to push a boundary about it anymore; because the truth is that you know logically it shouldn't matter to you, as long as both parties are happy.
and besides, you've been wrong before. it's just... like, every time you see them both, something else happens, some kind of shiver down your spine like do you even hear each other when you talk. it's their strange, bickering orbit. just the way he's on his phone through dinner or watching sports instead of helping in the kitchen or, fuck, another one of these little throwaway comments he makes about we'll see about that, babe. she laughs when he calls her passions stupid shit and meanwhile she gets him tickets to see the knicks and he tells you well at least she's smart about something and still! it's none of your business.
you say get the dog anyway and she laughs. like, this is is you being funny. and not you saying - no really. get the dog. get the dog and get out of here. pack up and start running.
5K notes
·
View notes