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deputy-buck · 9 months

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@sleepy-maya you know what this isn't too bad for my usual BoB writing (even though I've never posted any bc it always felt so lacking lol) and I hope you like it!! Thanks for the patience and prompt!

"Docile Alpha"

All the downtime in Austria has lulled Speirs' body into a sense of safety, the routine of paperwork and strongly advising soldiers “not to drink too much” allowed his body to push for its neglected needs… in arguably the worst way. His rut is a surprise, waking up at the usual 05:15, only this morning drenched in sweat and a hard-on that was beginning to hurt. Speirs let out an exhausted sigh, knowing the following four days would be hell in a handbasket if he didn’t get something to treat it soon.

Getting dressed felt like crash landing from a short jump: not enough height to deploy his shoot properly, and too much hard ground coming up too fast, it’s nearly identical. Speirs tries to muscle through it without making too much noise, legs aching, boner not willing to leave (he knows jacking off is near-futile), and fuck why does his jaw hurt so bad. Where the fuck is a medic when you can’t yell for one? Ron thinks about forgoing his jacket and leaving his hair a wreck, but his appearance means more to his men than his own comfort so he buttons his jacket and wets his hair down, runs some pomade through it and combs it all back, letting gravity do the rest.

Now to find Doc.

“Supply sent all the suppressants an Omega could ask for but none for Alpha’s, sorry, Captain.” Roe sounds slightly sympathetic for Speirs and very frustrated with whoever sent so many OSPs (Omega Suppressant Pack) and not a single ASP (Alpha Suppressant Pack) to a Company made up of 97% Alphas. Still rooting through crates and boxes in hopes of finding at least one sleeve of pills for his commanding officer, Roe suddenly feels hot breath on the back of his neck. Eugene’s hackles rise for a brief moment before he thinks of how Ron must feel at the moment, hormones running rampant through his body.

“You smell good,” Speirs says accusatively, struggling to keep his hands to himself even though every thought in his head is screaming at him to never get close to an enlisted man. Instead, he places his hands on the wood crate in front of Doc, leaving them relaxed on the rough-milled boards so as not to make the younger man feel caged in. You can always say no. Speirs hopes Eugene understands

“What?” Roe deadpans with tensed hands full of useless OSPs and neatly spooled IV tubing. He feels a wash of possessiveness roll down his body, already knowing what Speirs is about to say.

“You smell good,” Ron repeats, taking an audible deep breath of Eugene’s scent. “Nobody smells good to me in rut.” His exhale trembles as he lets Eugene’s scent go.

Through all Speirs' ruts, he never had the scent-induced lust craze, never had the overwhelming need to KnotFuckBreed the way his peers always described. Ron wanted to be alone. He took suppressants and exercised extensively to relieve the pent-up energy, running for miles into densely wooded areas to find some privacy in order to relieve himself in a different way. That’s really all Alpha suppressants do: allow Alphas to get themselves off without having to be tied to someone.

This is different. Ron can’t pinpoint any particular notes, Eugene just smells like sweat and skin, maybe a little antiseptic but it’s purely Eugene that he smells. The young medic’s scent is thick and heady to him nonetheless, clouding his senses and making Ron’s head swim with thoughts no officer should ever have about a subordinate.

“Think you should get back to your room, Sir. Ain’t the best idea to be around other Alphas while you're in rut.” Roe says firmly, not allowing any traces of want slip into his voice, he doesn’t need to launch Speirs into a spiral out here for everyone to see. “I’ll come check on you later, maybe have something to help you too.”

Fuck, this shouldn’t feel so good. Shouldn’t be so close already. Where did Doc learn to do this?

Speirs lays supine on the plush mattress, stripped down to only his undershirt -which is rucked up to his armpits- chest heaving with every labored breath, back arching up off the sweat soaked sheets.

Eugene keeps his right hand tightly gripped around Speirs’ aching, half-popped knot, slowly twisting side to side and rubbing the pad of his thumb up the shaft as far as he can reach. Pulling sickly sweet whimpers and moans from the man feared by every Easy Company trooper sends a surge of power through the Omega’s core, rendering the most dangerous man breathless would intoxicate anyone. Tempted to lean down to lick the beads of precum oozing from Speirs’ cock, Roe tempers it by gently cupping his left hand over the tip, drawing a nearly pained whine from the older man’s throat as Roe slides his palm across and around the over-sensitive head.

“Fucking Christ, Doc,” Speirs mewled through gritted teeth. With pleasure clouding his mind, Ron lifts his hand out of the twisted sheets, reaching to touch the medic in some way, eager to know what Doc’s skin feels like aside from the single firm handshake they’ve shared. He stops himself short, thinking of how this is already bad enough and would only worsen if he were to make contact. Speirs should have never stepped into Doc’s personal space back in the med bay, should have never lingered long enough to take another deep breath of his addictive scent, and definitely never should have allowed the Omega into this room. But he did, and now the least he can do to preserve his innocence is to keep this clinical.

All those thoughts of professionalism fly out the window when Doc speaks.

“Don’t think I ever seen an Alpha act like such an Omega before.” Roe grins, eyes sweeping down the Alpha’s trembling body, a low purr building in his chest at the sight. “Surprised you’re not leakin' slick.”

With that, the floodgates open from Speirs’ brain to mouth.

“Let me cum, ‘Gene, please let me cum. Swear I’ll be good if you let me cum. Do anything you want, I’ll let you fuck me if you want, ‘Gene just please let me cum.” It would sound so pathetic coming from any other Alpha’s mouth, but Speirs sounds genuine, like this is who he really is deep down. He sounds so desperate it’s cute.

“You know it ain’t smart to fuck an alpha when he’s in rut, ya might rip my throat out, cher.” Doc chuckles and twists his hand around Speir’s knot a little fast, tightening his pinky beneath the swell of it emulating a hole clenching down. Roe decides he’s tortured the poor man enough, pulling his left hand away from polishing the head of Speirs’ cock to slide down and back up the shaft. “Let go, knot my hand ‘n make a mess. You’ll clean it up like a good boy for me, won’t you?”

“Yes, ‘Gene.” Ron gasps as his orgasm washes through his body, cock pulsing in Eugene’s firm hold, pearly white strings coating his own heaving belly and chest. Speirs’ legs hitch up to get away from the gentle strokes of Doc’s other hand but Roe persists, milking every last drop of cum from his docile Alpha. The final dribbles of cum leak over Doc’s pale knuckles, making his hand even more slight around Speirs’ now fully inflated knot. Swiping some of the slick fluid up with his left thumb, Eugene finally allows himself a taste of Speirs, outright laughing at the breathless whimper the Alpha lets out at the sight.

“You’re real pretty when you cum, you know that?” Eugene murmurs softly, eyes soft and full of a newfound love for his Captain. Eugene lets his hand go slack on Ron’s softening cock but keeps it there for his own possessive reasons.

It takes a few moments for Speirs to respond, head fuzzy with a new surge of arousal and safety, his voice slightly slurred as he says, “Thank you, ‘Gene.”

(WC: 1,348)

I don't know how it got so long... :)

#ronald speirs #eugene roe #speirs/roe #band of brothers #buck builds #ask game

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my-castles-crumbling · 4 months

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im really sorry to dump this here but im actually so upset and i need to get this out and i have noone else to say it to

(just a note though that religion and homophobia is discussed so its okay if you dont want to talk about this)

i just found out my best friend (like, sirius and james kind of friend) is massively homophobic. weve been friends for years snd years now and he knows im a lesbian and he never said anything outwardly bad about it before now, but last night he had a few drinks in him and started talking about how he doesnt support the lgbt+ community and firmly believes anyone in it is going to hell, and that he hopes one day we'll 'see the light'

he then went on to say that hes not going to actively hate on queer people because what we do doesnt affect him or his life, and as far as ive seen thats completely true, hes never done or said anything hateful towards the community besides what he'd just said about going to hell etc.

i really dont know how im supposed to feel about all this. i felt like crying last night when he was talking because this is like, my platonic soulmate yk? and hes not actively or directly saying/doing anything against the community, but it also feels like what he said was hateful and all, but again hes never discouraged my own sexuality (in fact, hes actively encouraged and supported me when ive tried to date girls) so i almost feel id be wrong to be angry about what hes now said after hes still supported me anyway, even though he feels so strongly that its wrong

i just feel so lost and i really dont know what im supposed to do or feel about it

(sorry again to dump this on you aha)

Hi!!! <3

Ugh, this is so hard. Friends are so important, especially friends like you described. But a friend that doesn't support your identity? Honestly for me, this would be a BIG red flag. Because..idk I'm not a super trusting person to begin with, and to hear that would break my trust.

To me, at this point in history, if you're not actively being an ally for someone, then you might as well be fucking them over. I mean, does this person vote for policies that could hurt the lgbtqia+ community, and you by extension? Does he associate with people who are actively doing things to harm that community or other marginalized identities?

It seems like an excuse. "Oh, I don't shout my hatred from the rooftops, so it's okay." No. No, it's not.

And, to add to that, how will it feel now, to talk to him once you begin dating someone? Will it feel fake, even if he supports you? What about, down the road, if you ever get married? Will he want to be in your wedding? Will he refuse to go?

I guess, to me, this is a huge problem. But I'm also different than you. It may be, to you, he means enough to you that it's worth looking past. But I don't think I could do that.

The reality is, this sucks either way. And you have every right to feel upset and hurt. But I guess now you have to decide how you want to be upset and hurt by this.

I am so, so sorry that you're going through this.

#ask #asks #ask cas #lgbtq+#lgbtq #lgbtqia

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prurientpuddlejumper · 3 years

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A Lipless Face That I Want to Marry, Ch. 16

<- Part 15 | Part 17 ->

Summary: A flirtatious moment in the hospital garden turns sour.

Warnings: Brief nsfw themes, injury-recovery angst, post-traumatic stress/flashbacks, graphic past injuries, KISSING, hurt/comfort. Love and fluff.

3,700 words

After being gutted left him with a limp, a cane, and an overbearing sense of weakness, Frederick Chilton began copying Hannibal Lecter. His patterned suits, his clean-shaven face. The mimicry wasn’t deliberate exactly, but he looked to a man who radiated calm dignity and strength, and tried to capture some of it for his own.

It didn’t work. Frederick Chilton was still Frederick Chilton.

But shaving the beard did make him look younger. The razor glided over his smooth cheek as he cut through the facial hair that had grown unruly in the hospital. A new man stared back at him. One not traumatized by Gideon’s knife.

Only a few months later, he was shot in the face, and let the stubble grow back to distract from the scar. To obscure the hollowing where maxillary bone was missing. Like a chameleon, Frederick was always changing—hairstyles, wardrobes, colognes—always imitating someone, drawing the eye away from a flaw, never comfortable with himself. Ever improving. Refining. Hiding.

Every day, the burn ward’s physical therapists had him using one exercise machine or another. A pedaling machine lowered over his bed so he could build muscle while lying on his back before he was able to walk. The next step was a tall, rolling frame that he strapped into like a fighter pilot hanging from a parachute harness, which allowed him to take a few weightless steps. His legs shook. His feet did not know how to align themselves on the ground anymore. He hissed curses when you cheered him on just for shuffling one foot forward along the smooth grey linoleum.

One damned foot.

As if he couldn’t walk before. As if one shaking, machine-assisted step was an accomplishment. He was an overgrown baby in a Jumperoo.

While he could not walk on his own yet, he could get into and out of a wheelchair without screaming bloody murder. This allowed him a new level of freedom, if not autonomy. He still required two nurses to lower him into the chair. Still needed help getting to the bathroom. But he could at least use the bathroom instead of a bedpan and catheter.

Healing came at a cost.

Until now, he had caught flashes of his reflection in polished surfaces. Warped teeth in a metal IV pole. The fuzzy silhouette of a mask in the black of his computer screen.

He stood with his hands on the bathroom sink, staring. The nurse at his left elbow tugged him, told him it was time to sit back down in the chair. He needed support to stand, a babysitter to ensure he didn’t fall, and she was tired of waiting.

The thing staring back at him did not move.

When he took the compression mask off for the one hour per day he was allowed to remove it for cleaning, he somehow expected to find his own face beneath it. Skin. What he saw was a stranger. Gnarled scars made an uneven backdrop for one dead blue eye and a skeletal grimace. His own bones were buried somewhere underneath like bedrock, but the flesh was rearranged and distorted.

If he had met this man a year ago, Dr. Chilton would have felt inward pride at his ability not to sicken at the sight. He would have shaken his hand with a smug, professional detachment that said, “I am accustomed to horrific things in my line of work—abnormal psychiatry. This does not shock me as it would a layperson.”

He was a creature to be pitied.

Then a familiar reflection appeared out of the blind spot of his left side. Your image wrapped its hand behind the broken stranger, and he felt it land on his lower back. Warm. Comforting as your face, which was knit with worry. You told the nurse you could handle it from here, and she retreated out to his room.

When she was gone, Frederick began to laugh, dark and cruel, eyes never leaving the matching set staring cruelly back.

“What is it?” you asked, tightening your grip on his arm as he began to tremble.

“Do you think I look younger without a beard?”

The laugh cracked in his throat. His shoulders heaved as he finally looked away. It was too embarrassing to watch a grown man cry.

***

The heat of July was not easy on a body that could no longer sweat and was covered head to toe in a compression suit, but Frederick Chilton was thrilled to be outside. As the automatic sliding doors opened, he breathed in deeply through the nose and exhaled the spinning summer fragrances with a blissful sigh.

You resisted the urge to tease him. Of the pair, you were the more outdoorsy by far, and the last time you dragged him camping, he’d managed to complain the entire two days. He was not, generally, one to appreciate sunshine and birdsong. But this was different.

It was his first time away from the lifeless hospital air—the same smells day after day—in four months.

Now a breeze hit his face—a breeze! He had forgotten what that felt like—and brought with it the smell of cut grass and flowers, and exhaust fumes from the nearby roadways. The scent of gasoline urged his stomach to wring itself empty, but it was faint and easy enough to shake off as sparrows chirped and flitted about the hospital’s “meditation garden.”

Gently curving paths snaked through the landscaping of lush greenery and small trees. Few flowers were planted, out of respect for patients with allergies, but a fountain at the center babbled soothingly. The walkways were wide and smoothly paved, so the grey wheels of the hospital-issue wheelchair rolled over them easily, performing their function despite being over-worked and worn down, not unlike the staff. The black rubber handle grips had a dull patina from hundreds of hands, yours being the latest to circle around them as you pushed.

It was nice to have a private courtyard to enjoy the fresh air without the eyes of the general public watching.

Frederick was able to wear clothes from home now, but they had to be loose-fitting and short-sleeved to not interfere with his treatment. In a navy polo shirt and athletic shorts, he felt horrifically under-dressed, and did not want to be seen that way. The fashion crime was almost as bad as the face he could not bear looking at.

An elderly patient and what appeared to be her adult daughter sat on one of the benches between two daylily patches, blooming garishly cheerful red and gold. The daughter looked up, and Chilton looked away.

“You are certain you checked the bedroom closet? Left-hand side, second drawer to the bottom?” he asked again, agitation rising.

He was looking for the more fashionable Chino shorts he rarely wore, preferring to overheat in long pants than expose his pale, door-knob knees to imagined ridicule. You told him the housekeeper must have misplaced them.

He clenched his fist as tightly as the pink, shiny-scarred claw could manage and went on a gruff, impotent rant about the help growing careless without him to keep them in check. (If anything, the “help” were desperate to keep you in check without him there to manage your habit of leaving everything out—your clothes on a chair, the cereal box on the counter.)

“I know, I know. Awful,” you nodded along to the music of his words, if not the lyrics. You wished he would change the subject, but he pressed on with his investigation of the Case of the Missing Shorts.

“Mrs. Pérez brought a load of laundry down from the bedroom last Wednesday,” he noted. Frederick had taken to watching the security feeds remotely from his laptop. “Has she been using the cheap dry cleaner on Cherry Street instead of the good one so she can skim the difference? I have explicitly instructed the staff not to use them—they have lost or ruined several articles over the years. Inform Mrs. Pérez that I will not stand for lazy—what?”

Your tense smile began emanating a tenser whine.

It was rather suspicious.

Frederick watched you for a moment, puzzled, and then resumed, “The new security guard shares my pant size. Perhaps—”

“I DID IT. I brought them to Good Will.”

“You what?!”

Clicking the wheelchair brake, you doubled over the back of it, laughing at your childish ruse and how seriously Frederick had taken it. God, the man could never let anything go! “Over a year ago! You never wore them!”

“Come here.” His clipped tone did not invite argument.

You walked around to the front of his chair, the repentant pout on your face strongly undermined by rounded cheeks that were barely holding back a chuckle.

He growled with affectionate anger—the kind where he wanted to grab behind your knees and pull you into his lap, telling you with a low purr exactly how much trouble you were in. Except at the moment, your weight crashing onto his skinny, bony lap would have bruised a femur and torn five stitches. And if he was not confident enough for a kiss, he was in no condition to promise punishments of that nature.

So he gave your rump a sharp smack and tried to make his mouth smirk in that playfully disdainful way that said, “I love you, but I am going to kill you. You know that, right?” Sometimes wanting to kill someone can be such a personal, intimate love language.

“Doctor Chilton!” you gasped, feigning shock. “Such a naughty patient. I have told you time and again, this is simply unprofessional.”

The old woman and daughter had moved on, leaving you alone in the garden.

He let out a soft huff of amusement, catching on to the new game you were playing. Back when he was the administrator of the BSHCI, you would often saunter into his office playing the oversexed patient to his sleazy therapist. Now the roles were reversed.

“You protest,” he said in a low, lecherous tone, “and yet you continue to lavish extra attention on me. Do not think I have not noticed.”

“I don’t know what you could mean,” you deflected coyly. “Please keep your hands to yourself, sir.”

He grabbed your hand and spun you to face him, skeletal fingers interlocking with yours. Even through the compression glove, you could feel how skinny they had become, knobby knuckles protruding.

“Doctor,” he corrected.

You swallowed. “Doctor.”

“Why deny it? You guard all my treatments for yourself like a prize when other nurses could do it. You crawl into my bed to warm me with your body heat—hardly standard practice. I think you like the attention,” he said, giving your ass another lurid slap.

“D-Doctor! I’m not supposed to—we’re not supposed to…”

“If you worked at my hospital, I would fire you for such fraternization. Yet you call me unprofessional.” His hand still rested on your ass.

“You would fire me, doctor? Why fire me when there is so much I could offer?”

“And what is it you would offer me?” he asked, voice thick with meaning. His fingers kneaded the fat of your ass gently. It would have been harder, more possessive, if his hands were at full strength.

Not long ago, getting an erection had been painful, though he’d had several corrective surgeries since then, and the grafting had time to heal. Perhaps the sunlight was sparking him back to life. He was in a flirtatious mood—more excited than you’d seen him in a long time, and you were not about to tell him to slow down.

“Anything you want, doctor.” You lowered yourself in front of his chair, kneeling between his legs and looking up at him expectantly.

His Adam’s apple bobbed.

No one else was in the garden, and statues and shrubberies hid it from the road, but it was not entirely private. Anyone could walk in or see from a window of the tall buildings. You were just pretending. You weren’t going to slip his cock out right there and suck it for all the world to see. And yet… it had been so long. The thought of your moist lips closing over his lonely, aching hardness, your head bobbing in his lap…

“You… are fascinated with me, nurse,” he observed, licking his non-lips. His composure was holding, but barely. “You have seen many patients, but never one as badly burned, have you?”

“No.”

“Does it excite you?”

You took a moment before answering. Part of him resented you for still finding him attractive. At his lowest, he even blamed you for wanting these brutal injuries to happen. A bird sang a few metallic notes on a nearby branch before fluttering down to drink from the fountain. You stroked the top of his narrow thighs, careful not to push too far by going near his cock, but he showed no sign of hesitation today. The heat in his eyes as he watched you was not accusing, but hungry.

“Yes,” you panted. “You are striking. I’ve never met anyone so strong, so resilient.”

“Do you dream of kissing me? Your most striking patient?”

“Yes.”

The sun beat down hotter, but it was only your own internal temperature rising. The birds seemed to pause in their songs, and the leaves on the trees ceased to flutter.

You had waited so long—was he really asking?

His gloved hand reached down between his legs, and nailless pink fingertips stroked the side of your face thoughtfully a few times. Then he motioned you to get up off your knees, offering his hand as a symbolic gesture only. You put some of your weight on the padded rubber armrest as you stood.

“It will not be pleasant. For either party, I imagine,” he said, breaking character.

“It will be for me.” Your voice was soft.

“I do not know what to do like this. Mash my teeth against your face?”

You laughed a little. It was probably more nuanced than that, but that sounded basically accurate. “We’ll find out together.”

He looked off into the distance, toward the humming road weaving through the city. A warm breeze brought the smell of sea off the harbor: salty, humid, and stagnant with rotted fish and garbage. “The memory of your lips against mine is already fading,” he said. “That memory is all I have left of them. Whatever this will be, it will not feel the same.”

“I know.” You rested a hand on his shoulder. The dark blue polo was informal for his old life, but the woven cotton texture was rich compared to the thin hospital gowns you were used to him wearing. The last kiss you shared with Frederick was preserved behind a glass display case in your memory palace. A new kiss might break the hermetic seal. You could forget what it felt like to kiss him before. But it seemed worth the price to build new memories—a future just as full of love as the past.

He looked up at you like a broken ceramic being pieced back together with gold. His eyes shone with love, but his shoulders were slumped low.

“You may say I’m a slutty nurse for wanting to kiss my patient, but you’re to blame!” you said, playing the game again. “How could I resist your charm? I bet you seduce every nurse—I’m only your latest conquest!”

A smile tugged the corner of his mouth.

“No, my dear,” he purred, grabbing your arm and pulling you down to him until your face was inches from his. “Only you. I only want you.”

“Can I kiss you?”

He breathed in. He nodded.

You leaned the final inch down, and pressed your lips to his teeth.

The Red Dragon’s teeth sunk through flesh and tore deep. Coppery blood flooded his mouth, the taste so metallic and strong it drowned out almost everything else out—the pain, the unnatural tearing, little pops of veins, ligaments, and muscles stretching to their limits before giving up, his own screams. The truth of his face with all its illusions of grandeur was revealed before him: it was just meat. Nothing but raw, shredded meat.

“NO!” he screamed, and pushed you hard.

It was different than the peevish denials other times you’d tried to kiss. He pushed you away with so much force you staggered backward, and his wheelchair nearly tipped over. It reared on two wheels like a panicked horse and would have fallen except the worn brake gave way, and he shot backward several feet until the vacant bench stopped the chair’s momentum.

“No, no! Get away! No!” he begged no one, shaking and thrashing so violently he risked ripping his healing scars.

His back, legs, and arms were glued to the wheelchair, and he couldn’t escape. No—could have if he were desperate enough, strong enough. But he was terrified of ripping his skin off. The thought made him break out in a cold sweat and made it difficult to think straight. Dear god, he was afraid something happened to his back. Of being disfigured again.

He was afraid to die, but he dreaded even more the thought of surviving yet again to find another piece taken from him.

Not another. Not again.

If he cooperated, he had to be spared this time. He would cooperate. Do everything The Red Dragon said, and fate would be merciful. He had to go home. He had to go home. To see you again. It was not fair that he survived two attempts on his life only to die here. It was not fair! He was going to get married to the love of his life. Things were finally going right. The Dragon’s shadow fell over him. The acrid stench of his breath as he leaned down toward Frederick’s mouth—

“Frederick!”

You ran after him and tried to restrain him before he climbed out of the wheelchair and fell to the pavement, but it only made him struggle harder. Fuck. You weren’t sure if touching him again was a good idea, but you didn’t know what else to do. He was going to hurt himself.

“Shh, I’m here.”

Crouching next to him, you tried to keep him seated, murmuring soft, reassuring words. Eventually, he stopped thrashing to escape, his jerking limbs resigning themselves to passive trembling. His eyes were open, but they didn’t see you. They didn’t see anything but a dark room with a flickering projector.

You laid your head on his lap. “I’m right here. It’s OK. You’re safe, Frederick. You’re safe. Shh, shh...”

It took several minutes, but his breathing began to slow, and he began to calm down. His fingers found your hair and stroked it, mindlessly running over the contour of your scalp. Familiarity. Recognizing you, he grasped at your shirt to draw you closer, clutching you like a teddy bear to his chest. It was an awkward angle, but you shifted so your butt was partially supported by the bench he’d crashed into, and used the chair’s armrest to hold yourself in the bent position. Frankly, even if every muscle in your body cramped up, you weren’t going to leave him as long as he needed to hold onto you.

Finally, he whimpered your name and asked what happened.

“I… kissed you. I’m sorry.”

“Oh.”

He sniffed and wiped his face, which he discovered was soaked with tears, and looked off into the trees. You sat back onto the bench, straightening your crooked spine, but keeping a firm hold on his hand, staying close as he returned to reality. He would be embarrassed. Add this to the growing list of Ways Frederick Chilton is Broken and Useless. But for now, the humiliation was dulled by the fact that he was not in that room again, with the projector flickering. You stayed that way for a while, sitting in the dappled shade of the garden and the warm breeze, the fountain burbling a constant, relaxing, tuneless song.

“The last man to bring his lips to mine bit them off.”

“I’m so sorry, Frederick. I shouldn’t have been so stupid...”

He squeezed your hand. Straightened up in his chair. “I heard the FBI has the video. Have you watched it?”

You shook your head, then quickly added, “No,” aloud, knowing his vision was poor and still focused on the tree branches swaying and morphing in the wind. Jack Crawford had offered, but you didn’t want to see it. You couldn’t bear to.

It had been hard enough hearing him describe how Francis Dolarhyde glued him naked to his grandmother’s wheelchair and made him watch macabre home movies of the families he had slaughtered. His voice was too calm, too distant from the memory as he dictated graphic details for the Journal of Psychology, desperate to tell his story, grab his fame before he died.

You should have known how your mouth coming at his would make him feel. You were so caught up in your romantic imaginings, you forgot how kiss-like that moment of horror must have been, just before the pain.

The nightmare his life had been for months already, and would continue to be. The scar tissue that wouldn’t fully mature for two years. Two years wearing a compression suit to help them heal. Years of follow-up procedures so that he can continue to move. To breathe. To hear. Longer until he could get a new face. His entire life altered forever.

It started with a kiss.

“We don’t have to kiss. I should never have pushed you to,” you apologized, wincing preemptively.

You expected him to be angry. To sarcastically tell you, “Now you decide we don’t have to? Now that it is too late? What fine timing.”

“I am not weak,” he bristled instead, but his agitation only spanned the length of a breath. He squeezed your hand softly, and pulled you halfway into his chair to wrap his arms around your waist and back. “I did not think that would happen either,” he spoke comfortingly into your hair. “Attempting it for the first time in a wheelchair was a mistake. I should have been more aware of that, but I grow tired of not being able to show my affection. You are not the only one impatient for my recovery, darling. I want to try again.”

“Now?” You pulled back, widening your eyes at him.

“No,” he said plainly. “I think not.”

• ● • ━━━━━─ ••●•• ─━━━━━ • ● •

@beccabarba / @itsjustmyfantasyroom / @thatesqcrush / @dianilaws / @permanentlydizzy / @mrsrafaelbarba / @madamsnape921 / @astrangegirlsmind / @neely1177 / @onerestein / @dreamlover31 / @isvvc-pvscvl / @shroomiehomie / @storiesofsvu / @welcometothemxdhouse / @feedthemadness-sweetie / @law-nerd105 / @amelia-song-pond / @michael-rooker / @xecq / @madpanda75 / @alwaysachorusgirl / @bananas-pajamas / @leanor-min / @mad-girl-without-a-box / @katierpblogg / @worldofvixen / @sassyada / @barbingchilton

#Frederick Chilton x reader #my writing

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prompt-master · 4 years

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Would you be willing to share how you might rewrite Yukizome, Sakakura, and Munakata to make them likable characters (if not ppl Bc there’s a big difference)???

ahhhhhhh this ask got me so stupidly excited that I was like wavin my hands around. I think about how to rewrite their characters OFTEN. very often. I’m gonna go with likeable character over likeable people because I think they work better where they’re actually not that likeable people.

The one I think about the MOST is Munakata. He was SUCH wasted potential and I partially blame the medium for that (a single season anime is too constrained for future, it needed more time and care to be a proper story). But Munakata is actually so close to being a compelling character but they made some MAJOR mistakes with him. This ended up getting really long and more like a 3 page ADHD ramble essay. SO IM VERY SORRY to anyone who cannot read this but TYTYTY if you did because these ideas make me very happy! Oh it’s only about Munakata btw because of how long it got

The thing about Munakata is that he is designed to be a foil to Naegi. In fact a majority of dr3 future FOCUSES on this foil dynamic. It is Naegi’s hope vs Munakata’s hope. The World’s hope vs The FF’s hope. And more importantly it is True Hope vs Corrupted Hope.

This is a fantastic concept...so why didn’t it work in canon? I think that the biggest most glaring issue with Munakata’s hope is his logic. Munakata is meant to be a logical man, although with corrupted morals that lead him astray. Yet in canon his logic is laughably infallible. For example as a major figure in the FF and someone who wants to spread hope....why would he tell Naegi to kill himself? More importantly why does he continue to try and slaughter Naegi? The issue here isn’t from the fact that he wants him dead but from the fact that he is under the IMPRESSION that this entire game is being broadcast to the world.

Think about this for a second. In Munakata’s eyes he is going to kill the Ultimate Hope, an international symbol of a better life, live on TV. He doesn’t just want to kill the Ultimate Hope..he wants to do it BRUTALLY as a MAJOR FIGURE OF THE FF. IMO this should have happened later on as the game furthers the emotional turmoil in Munakata’s head and he eventually snaps and gives in to the desire to kill Naegi despite the fact that this is live. And then there should be CONSEQUENCES for that. I wanted so badly a realization where Munakata realizes that he is hurting the Ultimate Hope in front of what he believes is the entire world.

Another issue with Munakata’s logic is saying things such as...implying that the HPA KG was...just a game. I mean...people DIED. it's not hard to see how wrong that logic is. you can't say “this is the real world now” when what Naegi experienced WAS the real world. I think that this could be fixed through a bit of world building. DR3 Future is rather isolated from its world. We don’t really know much about the world and its dynamics. I think it would make perfect sense if the general public viewed the HPA KG as a tv show, they got numb to the sight and even those untouched by despair had a hard time connecting that these are REAL people suffering. With this previously established Munakata expressing that the KG was not real would make a lot more sense and play into his corrupted idea of hope.

There is also Munakata’s connection to his other friends. Now I’ve talked about this before but the game was clearly designed to BREAK Munakata and Naegi. This way the FF would die, both the FF and World’s hope would be broken, and upon seeing this Mitarai would have no choice but to deploy his own forced hope. So it makes perfect sense that Yukizome’s death would break him (in fact if she hadn’t died in that way, her NG code was designed to be Munakata’s fault). But something about it felt...superficial. Again I think this is the mediums fault but it almost feels as though Munakata just forgets about Yukizome until later. I think they should spend more time establishing his pain and what he has lost and why this pushes him to kill. In his eyes if she can die then nothing else matters. It should be THE breaking point, not the first push. I do like the betrayal he feels towards realizing she had despair but it needed more time to fester.

And his relationship with Sakakura also felt weak. In all honesty it was hard for me to feel as though they were ever friends. Sakakura is written as though he just follows Munakata like a loyal dog and Munakata just orders him around. Establish their relationship more! Why are they such good friends? Why is Sakakura important to him? And more importantly why did Munakata decide to cruelly gut Sakakura knowing he was about to confess? This is because he believed that Sakaura was despair and that his confession was more manipulation, but they didn’t show this well at ALL. Munakata just comes across as a major a-sshole who does not care. I also personally found it distasteful that when changing his heart Munakata only seemed to cry for Yukizome. I understand that was his love interest but Yukizome at the end of the day killed herself. Sakakura however was an unnecessary betrayal he took into his own hands AS HE HIMSELF KILLED HIM. He should have more guilt over that! Not just in that moment where he runs to Sakakura, but ahead of time as well! Maybe even DURING his rampage they could have shown him having moments of guilt but he is so absorbed in the idea that all despairs have to die that he doesn’t even realize he has become despair in the name of hope.

A BIG weakness on Munakata’s part comes with interacting with other characters. He is a man who should know how to take charge, lead, and doesn't know what to do when things are getting too crazy even though he THINKS he does. Munakata is heavily flawed, OBVIOUSLY flawed, but many of the interactions with him are as tho his rampage isnt a big deal. There should be reasons for this! Why do people trust Munakatas guidance so much? I dont know! All ive seen from him is that hes insane! Maybe even pieces where around others hes a lot nicer so you can understand why they follow him, even though hes ready to gut Naegi alive with a flaming katana. His interactions with others feel like the writers just wanted to see the next big evil thing they could think of, but for Munakata’s character this doesn't make sense because he was appointed a high status in the foundation for a reason. Maybe even have people say they disagree with some of his methods but at the end of the day he gets the job done!

There is another major missed opportunity here and it's why Muanakata wants Naegi dead so badly in the first place. The remnants. Hiding terrorists in the apocalypse is a PERFECTLY valid reason to want someone dead and think they're a bad guy! But I think since Naegis initial arrest was already so hostile and violent we get the sense that the FF is simply just...crazy.

And let’s think about what Munakata WANTS from Naegi. He does not just want Naegi dead he wants something worse. He wants Naegi to suffer first. He thinks that Naegi doesnt understand his own personal pain. He thinks that because Naegi protected the remnants he must also not care about the suffering the remnants caused. He wants Naegi to feel despair and then die. This is important to his corrupted hope. He thinks the suffering must be shared in order to understand who must die, but he is creating a cycle of pain. Tie this back to the broadcasting issue. He wants Naegi to break for everyone to see. I think..and this is just a concept..I think it would have been a great idea for Munkata to force Naegi to watch the despair video so that he has no choice but to understand.

AND themes are majorly important to Danganronpa. And I don’t think its a stretch to say that there are parallels between Munakata and Naegi. In fact I would say that there are aspects of the og trio in this new trio. I think it would have been really cool if they showed how our favorite trio could have ended up if they had been corrupted as well. But the parrellels dont stick strongly. I think it would have been cool to show a past where Munakata’s idealism lies more strongly than Naegis. As the student council president there was a time where he himself had to use his words to solve problems. Perhaps he learned that sometimes his words made things worse. Munakata does not have Naegi’s talent of emotional intelligence. He is a man of action over words. So he interprets this as WORDS being the problem rather than understanding he does not have these skills. Especially when the apocalypse breaks out, it becomes all action over words. So he sees Naegi who is all talk as a genuine threat who will let everyone die through his “weak ineffective” idea of hope.

Another parallel could be drawn from the fact that they both have hope based careers. Their job is too keep things hopeful. Maybe Naegi stays safe doing public broadcasted speeches, while Munakata is on the field weeding out despairs. This would cause Munakata to feel as though Naegi is doing no real work yet getting all the credit for being a savior.

Munakata constantly complains that Naegi does not know true pain. But he and we as an audience have followed Naegi through his entire process of trauma. We know he is in the wrong. But what do we as an audience know about Munakata’s suffering? We are shown almost nothing! There are some implications, but for how intense he is implications are not enough. We need to see his suffering. We should see how he has witnessed death. Yukizomes death is not nearly enough for this because he talks as though he has suffered for years. How can we as an audience understand that when we have never seen it? How can we understand Munakata when he is outright denying Naegi’s trauma that we KNOW existed with no proper justification for his reasoning?

I also believe that Munakata should have died. It actually upsets me a bit that he was PLANNED to die but didn't. He should have died protecting Naegi after all that suffering and relentless brutality he offered him. Munakata again is a man of action over word, and protecting Naegi with his last breath is the perfect way to show how in the end he changed. Especially when all he wanted initially was for Naegi to die. I find that much more satisfying than just…...walking off to who knows where.

So lets recap some changes. Munakata needs a proper display of his past traumas and his relationship with Sakakura and Yukizome. Munakata needs a proper display of his work relationships and the respect he has earned. Munakata needs to fall into corruption at a better pace, and have geniune reasons for his illogical attacks on Naegi. Munakata needs to care more for his friends. Munakata needs to deal with the turmoil of wanting to hurt Naegi while he believes the world is watching. Munakata needs to die for Naegi

This has gotten long...and I still have things to say. There is so much to make Munakata a good character. Future had a lot of potential and is amazing for a rewrite concept. As for Sakakura and Yukizome since this has gotten long feel free to ask for another round of this individually when asks are open again! If you read all of this somehow….TYSM

#ask #danganronpa #kyosuke munakata #dr3 #dr3 spoilers #analysis #???#sorry sorry sorry ahhhhh i have so much to say fuuuuihkhuhi

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jjungkookislife · 3 years

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Hahaja i LOVE hearing about Army origin stories. Its so interesting to know how different everyones story is, it really shows how diverse both bts and army are. Striking so many lives all over the world in such a different way.

So my origin story was back in 2017 i watched the not today mv premiere with a friend who was an army and remembered thinking wow these guys dance cool and i thought the little rapper who started off looked good. But i wasn't really into them then just listened to them from time to time. Fast forward to 2019 march a few days after Yoongis birthday and i was visiting london with that same army friend, on the bus we kept talking about them and i suddenly got interested. So i went home and started looking for their videos on youtube and i came across their UN talk and their american interviews and thought hey the guy who speaks english seems pretty smart and cool. So for a few days Namjoon was my bias. Then i remembered my friend mentioning the rap line each have their own mixtapes and ive always liked artists who write and produce their own music, they're a rarity, especially in kpop, so i searched for them on youtube starting with Namjoons, i felt his songs were ok, though totally not what i expected a rap mixtape to sound like (in this case i was listening to mono)

Then i stumbled upon yoongis Agust D and remembered hey this is the cute quiet guy who started off Not Today. I remembered watching the lyric video of The Last and it really blew my mind. I could feel his pain from his lyrics, so loud and clearly, when he rapped about sleeping in the bathroom out of guilt and anxiety i could see it in my minds eye and in that moment i just wanted to make him happy, make all his dreams come true so he wouldn't have to feel that pain again, then the part when he said his mom told him during therapy that she feels like he doesn't know her own son and he answered even i dont know myself how can you know me? I felt that because at that time i was feeling really lost too.

Then i watched fancam of him performing First Love during the Wings Tour, the one with the blonde hair and the black sparkly jacket and i was floored. How could someone feel so strongly so passionately about their art? The part when his piano told him yes kid you can do it, i will never ever forget the awe and admiration he evoked in me in that one single performance. From then onwards lightning struck and i had eyes for Yoongi and Yoongi only and until now that remains the main reason yoongi inspires me so much. Because i want to feel that passion too, that undying love for my craft, it's really a gift to find your life's passion and be able to build a career around that.

Of course his cutthroat lyrics and out of this world stage charisma and off stage overall cute and soft personality solidified my love for him too. I guess it's fate that the first member i noticed is Yoongi and he ended up being my bias.

Hahah sorry for the long ass ask i was just so excited to read about everyone's origin stories and excited to share mine too =)

I've loved reading everyone's story, we may share a few factors but our stories are unique and i love that so much! yes the UN speech was mindblowing and it was really early on when i became a fan so i was just absorbing everything and i was like wow this isn't just kpop this is so much more. I'm glad we can see that side of Yoongi, and a lot of us can relate to his lyrics. like all their styles are different and just being drawn to them is amazing and being able to relate and be inspired by them. and then aside from being cutthroat he's also really sweet and soft and he has so much patience and ah i just love him so much! Thank you for sharing! There's no need to apologize for it being long, I enjoyed learning about you and you story!

his little lips !!!

#bts origin story

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too-kinky-to-live · 4 years

Text

drug

creative title ik

tbh i think this came out way longer than it should have, felt like i was just rambling on i couldnt help myself lmao

anyway, here’s an oum.asai stuffing fic i’ve been working on and off on since... october 2019. jesus christ. also this is my first time ever posting a fic online, meaning ive never had anyone read my stories before o.o so criticism is welcome! (and if its good enough i might post it on ao3)

Ouma learned an important lesson that day: never take unknown substances from Iruma’s lab.

In hindsight, he really should have seen this coming. A lone piece of candy sitting on a desk should have looked more suspicious than it had. Still, Ouma had to fulfill his self-proclaimed duty of messing with Iruma’s stuff, popping the blue oval-shaped candy in his mouth and swallowing it without a second thought.

Skipping cheerfully through the halls to find his next prank victim, Ouma licked his lips of the tasty raspberry flavor. If Iruma was such a great inventor, surely she could make a machine to generate a bunch of sweets for him to steal. His mind raced with the images of cakes and brownies, and his mouth slightly salivating at the thought.

What the hell?

Ouma stopped in his tracks. He had never thought about food so strongly before, what was with him today? Before he could dwell on it further, a searing pain tore through his stomach. Ouma doubled over onto his knees, clutching his middle and hissing in pain. Only one word ran through his head.

Hunger.

Going long periods of time without food was nothing new to Ouma, due to his poor upbringing. He should be used to an empty stomach, but damn. This was on a whole new level. Giving in to his hunger, he made a beeline to the dining hall, praying that no one was there to see the Supreme Leader shaking like a leaf.

Ouma hastily grabbed onto the chairs as he inched his way to the kitchen. If anyone were in the room, they’d describe Ouma’s gaze of the fridge as predatory. Ouma raised a shaky hand to the door handle and swung it open to reveal a smorgasbord of delicacies.��

Chicken, steak, pasta, pies, cakes, soup… Ouma had never seen so much food in one place!

Licking his lips to clean up the drool forming, Ouma grabbed a bunch of plastic containers of meat and pasta and shoved them into nearby microwaves. Of course, his stomach wasn’t willing to wait around for that. A roar from his belly forced him to swipe a strawberry shortcake from the fridge. Ouma plopped himself on the floor and ravenously dug in, scooping up handfuls and shoving them into his gaping maw. The Supreme Leader moaned in ecstasy, tasting the sugary sweet confection.

Even if he wasn’t alone, he couldn’t muffle his absolute bliss. And within ten seconds flat, Ouma was already lifting the last glob of cake above his mouth, dropping it in and making it history with a single gulp.

The microwaves dinged in unison to reveal the next courses. Under any normal circumstances, Ouma would be bouncing off the walls from a sugar high. Strangely, though, his mind only repeated one command to the rest of his body: eat. Eat, eat some more, and then eat some more after that. Even his stomach seemed to agree, despite the fact it was pushing against his uniform.

Soon enough, the only noises that could be heard were gulping, slurping, munching, and moaning from a happy Ouma. His cheeks became perpetually bulged as he kept himself busy chewing on whatever he could get his hands on.

“Mmmmph… ‘sho good…” he moaned through a mouthful of pasta, before sending it down with an audible gulp. The tightness of his uniform didn’t hit him until he felt a shirt button pop off, giving him a brief release from the pressure. The satisfying pop snapped Ouma out of his stupor, and when he looked down at himself…

Holy shit.

Was that beach ball-shaped thing his stomach? He curiously placed a hand on top, feeling the mass of food churn busily within him. The small, skinny leader never would have imagined himself with a bloated belly, and yet, it was oh so satisfying. His muscles lost their tension and Ouma allowed himself to relax into the sensation, rubbing his swollen tummy gingerly. It was only fitting for someone in his position to be treated to a feast - why didn’t he think of this earlier?

He glanced over at the open fridge to see it almost empty. Like the light at the end of the tunnel, his greedy gaze settled on a large 2 liter bottle of Panta. Or, according to Ouma, the elixir of the gods. It took a bit of effort to turn his body sporting extra weight over to the bottle; but for Panta, any amount of pain was worth it. He slowly grabbed the bottle and unscrewed the cap, licking his lips eagerly. After a king-sized feast like this, it was only natural to wash it all down with his favorite drink.

Bringing the bottle to his lips, he proceeded to chug the whole thing. His neck bobbed with the intake, and his belly was steadily expanding for the new content. More buttons began to pop off his shirt until his bare tummy was exposed for the world to see, in all its distended glory.

Slowly but surely, the bottle’s contents were drained down the gluttonous leader’s gullet. As if to emphasize his triumph, he made sure he was as loud as possible with each swallow.

Finally, he separated himself from the empty bottle and nonchalantly tossed it aside. Ouma breathed a heavy sigh of relief and lightly patted his belly.

“Ooooof, that hit the spot.”

Suddenly, his insides began to bubble and churn, his stomach gurgling in protest. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea… Ouma felt a pressure rise to his mouth, and he swiftly brought a hand to cover it, but he was powerless to stop what came out.

“Huuuuuurrrrrp!”

Ah, that was much better. He glanced down to see his stomach reaching his knees, and his bellybutton completely flat. Ouma remained on the floor in a daze, massaging his tummy to coax more belches out of it. Carefully, he eased himself to lay down on the floor, the movement causing a sharp hic! to escape.

This was by far the best day he’d ever had at this crappy school. Surely no one needed to use the kitchen…

“Screw ‘em,” he breathed. “It’s time for a nice nap…”

Saihara waved goodbye to Kaito as he left the dorms. Looking at his Monopad, it seemed he still had some free time left. His thoughts immediately drifted to Ouma, wondering what the rambunctious little leader did in his spare time. He did mention having a tea party with me once, maybe now is a good time? Saihara thought. Seeing Ouma’s icon in the dining hall, perhaps the leader had the same thought?

Saihara quietly made his way into the dining hall, only to find it completely empty. Ouma couldn’t have known he was coming, where is he? His thought was broken when he heard what sounded like… snoring coming from the kitchen. Saihara could only raise an eyebrow. His detective instincts kicked in as he reached for the door handle.

Nothing could prepare him for what he was about to witness.

The elusive Supreme Leader was sprawled out on his back, limbs spread out and hair an even bigger mess than usual. His soft snores broke the silence of the kitchen, his mouth agape with a variety of food smears surrounding it. Around his body were copious amounts of bones, crumbs, sauce, and plastic scattered around his slumbering form. By far the most striking sight, however, was his stomach.

Saihara’s eyes widened as they spotted the round mass. The tip was a bright red, a stark contrast to Ouma’s pale skin. Saihara found himself stepping towards it, unable to resist the allure. He had no idea how appealing this sort of thing was, but seeing the malnourished boy so well-fed… it was truly beautiful. An unsteady hand reached out to caress the orb, and as soon as he made contact with it, he couldn’t help but rub a little. Ouma’s breath hitched slightly, before relaxing with a contented smile. The boy’s smile was always contagious to Saihara, and this was no different.

He could only imagine what Ouma looked like gorging himself on hearty meals, Lord knows he deserved it. Saihara had to wonder why the boy would do this in the first place, though? The little leader never ate much around others, and Saihara certainly didn’t think he was the type to potentially expose himself like this.

...Not that Saihara was complaining, though.

Still, there were better places to nap than on the cold kitchen floor. In fear of making too much noise and waking up Ouma, Saihara opted to leave the mess and attempt to pick him up. “Attempt” being the keyword. The new weight attached to Ouma caused Saihara to grunt as he lifted the boy up in bridal-style. Kaito’s nightly training had definitely paid off.

While walking back to the dorms, Saihara was treated to the noises of Ouma’s stomach as it busily churned with glurps and gurgles. Nobody was around, so…

Saihara gave a quick peck to the boy’s belly.

If Ouma woke up from that, Saihara would have dropped him in shock. But then, an even more terrifying thought crossed Saihara’s mind. What if Ouma was faking this whole thing? The boy would suddenly wake up and reveal a fake lump on top of his real stomach, and proceed to laugh at Saihara, calling him a freak. The very possibility made his heart sink. Ouma sure was dedicated to this prank, if it was one.

Finally, Saihara reached the equally empty dorms. He made his way to Ouma’s door, and… didn’t open it. He felt as though he would betray Ouma’s trust by going into the boy’s room without permission. With how secretive the Supreme Leader was, access for his room felt like it had to be earned. And that’s just what Saihara was going to do. Turning around, he carried the boy to the other room.

Saihara took extra care to lay the overstuffed boy onto the bed after closing the door behind them. He had no idea this sort of thing was appealing to him, but he wasn’t about to deny it. Seeing Ouma sleep so peacefully was making him tired, so he got dressed in his pajamas and laid down next to the boy.

Uuugghh….

Ouma sat up, rubbing his head with a groan. Why did he feel so… heavy? A quick glance at his midsection brought him out of his grogginess. His stomach was a doughy mound, peeking over his pants and out of the bottom of his shirt. He poked at it curiously and was met with a soft, jiggly texture. Ouma found himself blushing slightly. How the hell did he get like this? The last thing he could remember was eating a candy from Miu’s lab and- oh. Of course. That bitchlet probably drugged it.

Upon further inspection, his buttons on his jacket were completely absent. The leader’s blush only became deeper. Ouma took a moment to take in his surroundings. He was seated in a bed that was far too neat to be his, and this definitely wasn’t his dorm room. Oh, and Saihara-chan was asleep at his side.

...Wait.

Ouma jumped back with a yelp, promptly waking Saihara up. The leader scrambled to pull his jacket over his tummy with little success, as a small part of it pooched out under. Sitting up, Saihara’s golden eyes darted to the concealed midsection, though it was no longer bloated like he had hoped.

“Saihara-chan, how could you do this to me?! Wahhhhh!” the leader sobbed. This was his test to see if Saihara was behind his transformation, depending on how the detective reacted.

Saihara faltered slightly, an expression of sympathy painted across his face. “I’m sorry Ouma-kun, I-I don’t have all the details, but I found you in the kitchen sleeping after your, um… lunch.”

‘Lunch’ was definitely an understatement. Ouma wouldn’t be surprised if he somehow got a hold of everyone’s lunch, given how big he was now. From Saihara’s seemingly genuine response, he couldn’t discern any trace of a lie. The detective found the courage for an interrogation, as he finally broke away from staring at the lump.

“How did you manage to eat that much, Ouma-kun? There had to have been at least twenty containers open,” he pondered, bringing a hand to his chin.

That was certainly the mystery. With his small stature, the leader didn’t have much of a capacity for food. Although, it was strange how big he still was even after a nap. Ouma had always been stick-thin due to his incredibly high metabolism, so why wasn’t it all digested by now?

“I remember taking candy from that cum dumpster’s lab, and it made me so hungry! Like I could eat an entire horse! Maybe even two… Nishishishi!”

The detective stared at him incredulously. “You took a candy. From Miu’s lab. Without knowing what it was.”

Ouma shrugged. “I was bored. And I thought there was no way that whore would make something that’d kill me.”

The smaller boy leaned back into the pillows, closing his eyes and resting his hands on his soft tummy. “Welp, at least I won’t have to eat dinner with you losers! I’m preeetty stuffed,” he sighed, giving his belly a light pat.

Only one of them was relaxing, though. Saihara was shuddering at this weird feeling. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the boy peacefully resting on his bed, and with an adorable belly to boot. Maybe since his eyes were closed, he could sneak a brief rub in…

“You can go ahead and touch, Saihara-chan. I won’t judge you too much!”

Ouma cracked open one eye halfway, smirking knowingly at the beet-red detective. Saihara gulped and moved his shaky hand over to the overstuffed boy. So warm… so soft… Saihara wanted to give it another kiss, but he highly doubted Ouma returned his feelings. He was probably only letting him do this so he could expose him to the rest of the students afterwards. The little leader seemed to notice Saihara’s hesitation, propping himself up on his elbows to face the taller boy.

“You should feel honored to be this close to the body of the Supreme Leader of evil! And as your leader, I command you to give me a nice belly rub. Come on, Shumai, don’t be shy!”

Well, who could resist an invitation like that?

Saihara began to knead his hands delicately to the protruding belly, applying more pressure to the boy’s sides. This caused Ouma to let out a small burp, taking both boys by surprise. Saihara found that he liked the sound… more than he’d like to admit. Thus, he started rubbing more forcefully. Normally Ouma would call him out for yet another gross kink, but relieving the excess air from his stomach was far more satisfying.

The detective continued to pamper the leader until he looked over to his wall clock. It was already 5 p.m.? He was getting pretty hungry, though he hated to leave the smaller boy like this.

“Ouma-kun, I’d like to go get dinner if that’s okay. You don’t have to come, and I can bring my food back here if you’d like.”

The purple-haired boy stared up at him with an unreadable expression. Without missing a beat, his face formed into a devilish smile.

“Ohhhh, I see. You wanna get me more food to eat, huh? You want an even bigger stomach to rub? You really are kinky, Shumai! Nishishishi!” he snickered, putting his arms behind his head.

Saihara almost choked. “T-That’s not it at all! I have to eat too, you know!” The detective may find the boy endearing, but his propensity to make things more difficult could only be handled so much.

Ouma sat up slowly, taking great care to not upset his still-bloated belly. “No worries, Saihara-chan, I was lying earlier. I’ll come with you! But first, I gotta change into a new uniform.”

Clutching his stomach, Ouma made his way to his room. At that moment, a thought came to Saihara’s mind. Would there even be food left? The kitchen was restocked daily due to Monokuma and his children. How often did they check for food? By now, he was certain that someone had seen the mess Ouma made. Saihara would hate to see his crush get in trouble for depriving everyone of one of Kirumi’s delectable meals.

The leader soon returned to Saihara’s room with a new uniform that... wasn’t doing much to hide his indulgence. Anyone could see the apparent bulge under his jacket, almost threatening to pop off another button. Saihara could tell his belt wasn’t as tight as before either. Before he could make a comment, Ouma quickly grasped his hand and pulled him towards the dining hall.

The two quietly made their way to the dining hall, only to see the group of fellow Ultimates arguing near the kitchen.

“I bet it was one of those degenerate males who stole our food.”

“Gonta not do it! Gentlemen never steal!”

“I bet it was the Monokubs!”

Saihara poked his head through the doorway, trying to hide Kokichi’s body from the others.

“Shuichi! You’re just in time!” Akamatsu’s cheery voice called. “We could really use your detective skills right about now.”

The students collectively turned around with relief washing over them, knowing their local detective could put them at ease. Ouma, on the other hand, was trying his best to hide his belly behind his arms. Unfortunately for him, it was a futile effort.

“Who needs a detective when you have the gorgeous girl genius! I’ve already found our food thief!” A certain blonde proclaimed, followed by her hearty laughter. Everyone turned to Ouma who, to Saihara’s amazement, kept his face completely straight. Before he could react, Iruma jabbed her finger into the leader’s sensitive belly, causing his mask to break and cringe in pain.

“What the hell, Ouma! This is a new low, even for you!” Kaito’s voice boomed.

Maki gave her signature death glare. “I could always cut him open as punishment.”

Saihara didn’t think it was possible, but Ouma’s face got even paler at her threat. He couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

“Everyone,” he cleared his throat, “I know we’re all upset at Ouma-kun. And… I know he pranks us a lot, but it’s always in good fun. Maybe he just got carried away with how good Kirumi’s food was. Ouma-kun told me that he would make it up to you guys by cooking for you guys tomorrow. Right, Ouma-kun?”

Ouma was speechless. His beloved Saihara-chan was definitely a bad liar, just as he suspected. But, the respect he gained from his peers could maybe make this work. So, just for the hell of it, he decided to comply.

“Of course, Saihara-chan! I’m gonna make a 5-star meal on my first try! I might even put Tojo-chan out of the job… Nishishishi!”

The Ultimates murmured among themselves, but Saihara wasn’t listening. Of course, he already decided he would help with the cooking.

But… he’d make sure there were leftovers for Ouma.

Lots of leftovers.

#stuffed ronpa #sorry for my cringe writing #pora's fix

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b00bconnoisseur · 4 years

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im questioning rn how’d yk u were ace. sry if that’s too personal a question

No its alright! So you're questioning if youre possibly aspec? Well heres my story! I hope it can be helpful

Ok so we're goin with the long version this time. So back in 2018, in November, i got my first (online) boyfriend! Cool right? Except heres the thing: i really did at the time like him but not in ways he liked me and i was confused on that. He'd alot of the time flirt and make comments n joke and they were sexual but i never really felt the same way? At one point i thought i did but I've come to realise after that that i love kisses and cuddles and wouldnt want to be sexually intimate.

But i thought something was wrong cause why didnt i feel as strongly? Did i not love him enough? In my mind sex for me, growing up for a couple years up to that point, just seemed like something that would happen eventually no matter what and i wasnt bothered by that and never really gave it much thought for that reason.

But still, i questioned myself and my position in the relationship.

Skipping forward a bit one day i saw a post here and reblogged it, it was about types of asexuality in relationships i think? Id never in my 15 yrs of life ever heard of the term Asexual so i didnt know but i was still like "huh that seems like us kinda. He's more like nsfw and im.....not". And he saw it and was like "hey! Yo thats us! You're asexual! Welcome to the community!" And i was like in denial i was like "no way no im not! Idk yet im not sure" and he was like "thats okay". And i said id never heard of that before and he explained to me that its only feeling romantic attraction and not physical/sexual attraction. And thinking abt it at that time i was like huh.

Ive never masturbated (fuck tmiiiii. Also not to say other aspec dont masterbate, im just telling my own personal experience ofc. There's SO many different types of acespec), i havent had the plumbing on down there, i haven't really cared abt sex or found anyone hot cause hot in my mind was "i wanna fuck them" and i didnt feel that way abt anyone. I didnt find anyone to be sexy or sex appealing. I didnt get horny or at least in the last couple yrs or so. I realised i just. didnt feel sexually attracted to ppl. Which explained why i felt the way i did in the relationship

So then yadda yadda yadda the relationship ended (it only lasted like a week and a half) and that was like mid November and it took me abt a month to figure myself out and feel comfortable as publicly (as in on my blog) letting ppl know that im asexual. That was around december i believe?? I remember near Christmas time i talked to my ex again and told him happily that im ace and that he was right and i think i thanked him

And thats my realisation story to how i knew i was an Asexual bean! Obviously this is personal experience and stuff yk its ofc different for everyone ya feel? I really hope this helped you some and helps you on your questioning journey *hugs* if you need you can come to me anytime!

Theres also like i said soooo many different labels on the aspec spectrum! Like demisexual (only experiences sexual attraction when having formed a deep emotional bond with someone), grey asexual (experiences sexual attraction only sometimes), etc! Also you dont even have to use a label if you dont want either???

But thats all i had, love u youngin 💗

#asks #young anon #ive answered this question quite a bit of times so imma tag it for future times #asexuality #aspec #ace #my asexual story #??#idkk #important #save for later

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maren-as-an-adult · 3 years

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The 2020 Experience, Part 2

When I flew back to New York a few days later (yes, I braved the airports and a plane) I could not stop crying. What should have been a loving and heartfelt reunion between myself and Graham turned into an awkward situation for him, with me bent double in the front seat of his car sobbing inconsolably.

And suddenly I had to adjust back to life more or less on my own. I couldn’t have friends come over, my family who lived in NYC were too far for me to get to them without public transit, and Graham’s mother was immunocompromised so we couldn’t spend much time together. I was back to sitting at my computer, taking online surveys for the promise of money and sending out application after application. Jena and Julia, my other two roommates, were still not back, so it was just me and Polina.

Things started to get a little better though. I had applied for Medicaid so I had some health coverage again. I scheduled an appointment with my new doctor, I started talking to a therapist again in August, and I stopped budgeting for birth control and got it for free. The after school program was up and running again, this time remotely (only one of my schools was able to host their program though, so my work hours were still cut). I looked forward to every other weekend, where Graham would drive out and pick me up to spend a few nights at his place. Jena came back and announced she was moving out, and our new roommate Michelle moved in. Michelle and I had a lot in common, and I found it easy to talk to and connect with her.

I even got out to see my family. I braved the subway to see my family up in Astoria, and Polina told me about the ferries I could take that brought me to my family on the Upper East Side.

One day in late September, however, I woke up with abdominal pain. It was pretty mild at first, but it kept getting worse. As someone who has periods, I assumed it was just week-early cramps brought on by stress combined with a poor diet that didn’t include much fiber. I tried to assuage the feeling by eating an apple, but after a quick trip to the bathroom it made a reappearance coming back up the way it went down. I decided to do what most people do (and what doctors hate) and look up my symptoms online to try and self-diagnose. The two big contenders for what I was suffering from were IBS or an ulcer. I texted Graham and told him what was up, and he asked what I was going to do. My current plan was to try and wait it out, and if things still felt bad in the morning, I would go to the ER.

If it wasn’t for Graham’s suggestion that I go to an urgent care center (which I had completely forgot existed at this point in time) I may have died.

At 7:12pm I grabbed my bag and walked three blocks to the urgent care center closest to my apartment. Unfortunately, they were no longer taking walk-ins for the day, but told me that another urgent care center was open until 8 and would take walk-ins.

It was 17 blocks away.

I walked 17 blocks with severe abdominal pain to this urgent care center just to be seen and tell a health professional I wasn’t feeling well. I knew there wouldn’t be much they could do, but maybe they could give me a better idea of what was wrong with me. I called Graham and gave him the address of the urgent care center, asking that he come out to be with me. Whatever was happening to me, I did not want to go through it alone.

I made it to the urgent care center fifteen minutes before they closed. I was taken to an observation room where a brusque young Russian woman took down my vitals and information as we waited for the RN to come see me. When he finally did come in and I started telling him what was wrong, I barely finished explaining what happened after I ate and failed to keep down the apple that he interrupted me saying, “You need to go to the ER immediately, because what you described sounds like you have a GI bleed. You’ll need an endoscopy, where they take a camera on a long, thin tube and feed it down in through your stomach and into your intestines to see if you’re bleeding internally.”

It was getting late, I was alone, and I was TERRIFIED.

I was told where the nearest ERs were, was given a printed referral, and then dismissed for the evening. All I could do was wait for Graham and tell him what was going on... and then call my mother and tell her.

I love my mom. I’ll likely never not love my mom for the rest of my life. But sometimes she takes a bad situation and makes me feel even worse. When I told her I had called Graham to come get me, she pointedly asked why I didn’t call any of my family who lived closer than Graham. Well, of my family who live in the greater metropolitan area of New York City, we have:

- My Aunt Barbara and Uncle Danny, currently NOT in NYC and instead staying out in Milford, PA

- My Uncle Brian, Aunt Corinne, and cousin Nikki up in Astoria. My aunt cannot drive and gets panicked easily, my cousin only has her learner’s permit, and my uncle (though I love him) would not be the most comforting presence to me at the moment, being VERY pro-Trump Republican and a FIRM anti-masker

- My Uncle Mike, Aunt Gloria, and cousins Maura (and her husband Andrew), Brendan, and Kevin. Maura, at this point in time, was nine months pregnant and due to give birth any minute, and I was not going to be responsible for pulling my aunt or uncle away from the birth of their first grandchild

With this information presented to my mother, she did concede that calling Graham had not been a terrible idea. Continuing to fret, however, she said I should at least have called them to let them know what was happening. She took it upon herself to do that, and additionally call my father and tell him (dad was on the road at that point and so missed my initial call of “Hey, jsyk, I’m going to the ER, wish me luck!”). Graham pulled up, I ended my mom’s call telling her I’d keep her posted, and headed off to the unknown.

As we were driving to the closest ER, my dad called. Thankfully, he gave advice that calmed me down. He listened to my symptoms, told me it was likely an ulcer, and told me what would happen when I went in: I’d be admitted to the ER, they’d take my vitals, I’d explain my symptoms over and over and over to multiple people, they’d probably admit me overnight, knock me out and do an endoscopy, and in the morning I’d be sent home with a prescription to help with the ulcer. I felt better.

Graham and I made it to the ER at about 8:45pm. I was admitted immediately, my vitals were taken, I was given a cup to pee in, an IV was placed in my arm, my blood was taken, and I told my story to two different doctors and a few different nurses. I went in for an ultrasound to rule out pregnancy, endometriosis, and ovarian cysts. I waited, with Graham by my side.

The doctor came back at about 11:30pm and told me my urinalysis and ultrasound came back unremarkable, but my bloodwork showed a high white blood cell count, which meant my body was fighting off an infection somewhere. This is absolutely something I did and did not want to hear in the middle of a global pandemic. On the one hand, go immune system! Keep me safe, you beautiful, hard-working bitch! On the other hand, what was it my body was fighting off?

The doctor said if I wanted to leave at that point, I could, because nothing obvious was found. “But,” she said, “I would strongly recommend we do a CT scan just to be safe.”

It was late, both Graham and I were tired, and my abdominal pain wasn’t awful to the point where I was bent double anymore. I could stand and walk around with only a slight discomfort. The thought of getting out of the ER, a frankly dangerous place to be in these COVID times, was deliciously appealing.

“What the hell, lets do the CT scan.”

I was given almost two liters of fluid to drink to prep for the scan. It didn’t taste bad, actually, kind of like a flat lemon La Croix that had been left in its aluminum can too long. At 12:30am I went in for the scan. Two hours later, Graham and I were still waiting for the results. At around 2:30am Graham turned to me and said, “Honestly, I’m ready to go. I won’t leave you here alone, but I’m exhausted and ready to get out of here.” I responded, “Honestly, I am too.”

At that moment, a doctor walked around the corner into our area and said, in a too cheery voice, “Hi there! You have appendicitis.”

I swear in that moment I could feel the cosmic force of the universe tremble with suppressed laughter at this finely crafted moment of ironic timing. My only response to the doctor and Graham was, “Well... I guess I’m staying here for the night?” Remember when I thought it was IBS? Couldn’t we go back to that?

I’ve mentioned before the idea of surgery scares me. I’d hoped I’d only have to experience anesthesia from getting my wisdom teeth removed. I fully expected to break down in hysterics then, but I guess I was just too tired and overwhelmed to react in such a big way. I called my mom and told her what was happening, and the first suggestion she made was for me to come home and heal in Chicago.

...mom, I love you, but getting on a plane immediately after major surgery in the MIDDLE OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC FROM AN AIRBORNE VIRUS is frankly the DUMBEST IDEA EVER.

After realizing that would be a bad move, she suggested she come out to be with me while I heal. While an appealing process, it ultimately wouldn’t be of much use, because she’d have to quarantine for two weeks before seeing anyone at that point. Eventually, she offered to book a hotel room for me and Graham for a long, extended weekend to help me recover. It was extremely generous of her, and I’ll forever be grateful she did it.

I was hooked up to antibiotics to prep for surgery, and the attending surgeon explained the procedure to me. Everyone was so calm and sure of themselves that I felt okay, and the inevitable wave of panic was held off. At 4:30am, I was wheeled up to the operating room. Graham stayed by my side as long as he could and walked all the way to the doors of the OR hallway with me and the attending. I made sure he and my mom had each others’ phone numbers so he could give updates. I was wheeled through the doors, and met with my operating team.

The anesthesiologist and practicing surgeon assured me that they felt fine, well-rested, and at the top of their game, and I was able to relax some as I moved off of my gurney onto the operating table. Once I was on the table, clad only in a thin hospital gown and gripper socks, my body started to shake. Whether it was from the cold or the panic had finally set in I wasn’t sure, but I calmly told the doctors that I thought my fight or flight response was kicking in, and they might need to consider restraining my shaking limbs.

They did, and they also put a heated (and somewhat weighted) blanket over me which relaxed me so my limbs weren’t shaking so violently. An oxygen mask was placed on my face, sealing my nose and mouth into a thick plastic chamber. I tried to breathe deeply and evenly, forcing myself to think of pleasant thoughts and not spiral into a headspace of worst case scenarios. I think what helped most was actually an attending nurse reading out loud my patient chart for posterity and recording’s sake, and he said, “Patient is a twenty-seven year old female named Maureen Ford.”

The annoyance I felt at being misnamed (again as Maureen) cut through the second wave of panic buildup, and my only goal was to correct him. The oxygen mask muffled my voice, but I like to think if you were to listen to the audio recording of my surgery, you would hear, very faintly in the background, me indignantly stating, “It’s pronounced MAREN!”

My last thought before I went under was that I need to make sure that nurse was corrected.

When I woke up, I felt more comfortable than I had in a very long time. The only thing that kept me from being in a total state of comfortable bliss was the slowly incoming knowledge that my mouth was drier than the Sahara desert at noon in July. Despite this, and the residual effects of the anesthesia still in effect, I was pleased to find that not only could I clearly hear and understand the conversations happening around me, I could also coherently speak and communicate with people. I asked for water as soon as I could, and the nurse told me that they’d have to work me up to water. We’d start with a lemon swab in my mouth, followed by ice chips, and then I could get water. The attending surgeon came in to tell me the surgery went smoothly without complications, and I asked her if she could make sure whoever called me Maureen was corrected on my name pronunciation.

I really hope it wasn’t written off as a sleepy patient’s delirious request, because I was absolutely serious about it.

After eating some very powdery eggs and drinking an apple juice, I was discharged and told to get my medications, rest up, avoid lifting anything over 15 pounds, stay away from submerging my sutures in water, and to schedule a one week post-op follow up with my primary care provider and a two week post-op follow up with the attending surgeon.

Graham drove us back to Bay Ridge, and I gave him my keys to go grab some essentials from my apartment. I gave Michelle and Polina a heads up that he was coming up (and I had let them know what was happening before I went into surgery) and that I’d be gone recovering through the weekend and partway into the week. They both wished me a speedy recovery, Graham grabbed a few essentials for me, and we drove up the street to pick up my meds from Rite Aid.

For some reason, they had only filled two of the four prescriptions. One they didn’t fill because it was a controlled substance and the hospital hadn’t submitted the proper authorization for it, and the other prescription (one of two laxatives) I have no idea why it wasn’t filled. Eventually, I got both my pain medications and one of the laxatives, with the other laxative to be filled and picked up at a different Rite Aid, closer to Graham’s work.

Exhausted, sore, hungry, and (in my case) in desperate need of a shower, we made it back to Graham’s to spend one more day there before going off to the hotel my mom had booked us. Graham had been scheduled to work that day, but after calling into the office was told he should only come in if he thought it was absolutely necessary. He ended up catching a few hours of sleep before going in for the late shift at work. I managed to take a shower and fell asleep on his couch as his bed was too soft and sent my abdomen into absolute agony. I blinked in and out of consciousness for the next few hours, waiting for Graham to come home with my last bit of medication. In that time, my dad called to check on me and ask how I felt, what I was prescribed, and what was expected of me. As we were talking Graham called, and I excused myself so I could answer the call. Nothing could have prepared me for what Graham was going to say to me.

“I was just hit by a truck.”

*click*

#part 2

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jewpacabruhs · 5 years

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bruv im still jus. wow. theres so much to say but. do u kno how good it feels... to be jewish, to accidentally fixate on one eric cartman & love him more than any other fictional character for almost seven years now, and then to see him in a little yarmulke, standing at kyle's side while he recites from the torah? do you know how validating that is?

i gotta get personal for a second here. idk how, but in the last few yrs my relationship with my own jewishness has been deeply influenced and intertwined with south park, as ironic and ridiculous as that sounds. i grew up secular, completely nonpracticing; as a child, i was only ethnically jewish, and saw jews as strictly an ethnicity, and a popularly hated one to boot. and it scared me. ive talked about it before, but as a child hearing about the shoah and about antisemitism, i couldn't understand. i thought it was looks for a while, which confused me, because ive got blonde hair and blue eyes and all my family that got caught up in nazi europe did/do too. i remember thinking as a second grader that i would've been spared for that reason; why didn't a good chunk of my family? but i grew up in a mormon neighborhood, with plenty of other blonde kids, and they stayed away from me like i had a disease. this was before puberty, before my hair got a little frizzier and my nose got a little bigger, when i looked just like any of them. but already, at age 8, i was an outsider. i wasn't one of them and i never would be, and they wanted me to know that.

and then i started to get it. it clicked even more once i got to high school and got called a kike every other day - but prior to high school, you know what i found, and you know what really pushed me towards understanding what being a secular jew in america meant? south park. and as a dumb little sixth grader with no critical thinking skills, you know what shaped my opinions on my own people? south park.

and that's good and bad. good because i do sincerely think kyle broflovski is excellent fictional representation for jewish people, maybe one of the top few ever shown on television. he gets on my nerves at times, but he's good through and through, he's well written and multi-dimensional, he's not a walking stereotype but he still has prominent jewish features that jewish viewers can look at and see in themselves, his morals and viewpoints and beliefs are obviously deeply influenced by judaism, hes deeply proud of his heritage and culture... and that all means a lot to me. and by the amount of jewish sp fans that adore kyle, it means a lot to them too.

the bad thing is, yeah, i can't deny it, during older seasons, cartman's treatment of kyle probably taught a lot of young and dumb viewers how to view jews in real life. have i, as a kyman shipper and cartman stan, justified that within a fictional and narrative context? yes. but it doesn't change the real-world effect; south park, but specifically cartman, since he's the mouthpiece, likely did cause some easily-influenced people to pick up antisemitic beliefs. did this contribute to the rise of the alt-right? debatable, but to some extent, possibly. was that m&t's intention and should south park be canceled and denounced? fuck no, i'll always love it lol, and fuck censorship. but it is something that should be taken into account.

matt and trey clearly regret that, and understand that it's no longer acceptable or fitting or needed in today's sociopolitical climate - or, okay, maybe they don't even regret it; they just understand that when fiction becomes reality, the fictional jackass isn't necessary when there's one right there in real life, sitting in the oval office, yeah? old cartman doesn't deserve or need a voice, not when real, awful people actually have one right now. and m&t are actively trying to change cartman for the better and really, really backpedal on his bigotry, while still doing it in a way that makes sense from a story-telling perspective. it's not a complete uncharacteristic change of character; it's shifting with the times and writing it into the character's arc so that it's a logical and plausible development in cartman's story.

cartman's behavior in the last few seasons is consistent character development. m&t themselves are pushing it, and clearly it's sincere; cartman's not faking. unless they're building up a surprise twist over the last, what, three to four seasons, that he was faking the whole time! woah! if so it better be a damn good pay off, because that's a lot of time invested. though that seems more forward-thinking than sp tends to be. they're intentionally stuck in the short-term, aren't they? plot-wise. but their character development is pretty long-term, and right now, cartman is consistently decent, and if it comes across as faking, it's because cartman's over-dramatic in how he speaks, and trey does that intentionally.

that's a tonal thing, and it's hard to say in a fictional character, but as someone who struggles with empathy myself, empathy and sincerity don't go hand in hand. you can lack empathy while still caring enough to sincerely and wholeheartedly apologize for something and mean that apology. not feeling remorse doesn't mean you can't apologize genuinely; the two don't go hand in hand. you can be mentally ill in any capacity, even a psychopath, and still deeply care about things or people, just not in the way someone else might. so you can headcanon that cartman's still a psycho/sociopath, though right now that's actually kinda going against canon, but don't rain on other's parades if they're happy he's exhibiting healthy growth. besides, and i repeat: what could cartman exploit out of faking sincerity for several seasons? nothing, so why bother? he wouldn't, unless it's literal in-show subconscious growth.

does that mean he's magically developed empathy? no. is it becoming less probable he's a legitimate sociopath/psychopath (while still possibly having better-disguised antisocial tendencies)? yes. does he seem to have better coping or anger management skills? somehow, yes! he seems to be legitimately healthier. does this mean he's no longer accountable for his past misdeeds, and even his present, less-severe ones? of course not! and you can still hate him all you want, but modern cartman is not the same as older cartman, and shouldn't be treated as such. because is this growth? absolutely.

he's clearly healthier, even happier. he's less angry, he's still a little shit but he no longer relies on bigotry or cruelty or anger to get the negative attention he thrives off, rather he gravitates towards being simply annoying. you know why he called ice? pettiness, immaturity, a little bit of spite, and a need for silly revenge. he's being intentionally petty, but going about it in a sly but no longer psychopathic way. less hannibal lector and more, idk, regina george, lol. extremely different on the antagonist scale. and cartman's been both.

and maybe it's personal bias on what type of human is worse within fiction, someone unstable and bizarre with violent tendencies (which is how he's come to be viewed in pop culture & some of the fandom, as a result of eps like scott tenorman must die), versus someone inclined towards pettiness and more silent and, i dunno, social-status-and-pride-driven types of revenge (cartman in general when he's not being particularly awful, tbh)... but i think it'd be pretty universally agreed that the latter is at the very least more tolerable, manageable, and even likeable - and certainly more redeemable. let's put it this way; if cartman continued on the path he was on, he'd be one of those tiki holding fucks, wearing a confederate flag hat, and he'd treat kyle soooo much worse. instead, m&t have turned him into a hypocritical false-woke ignorant dumbass - but that's strongly less problematique than it's counterpart, and it works.

because cartman simply serves a different narrative purpose now. and that's not sloppy writing; it's well-timed evolution of a character that stepped into a pre-9/11, pre-trump, pre-social media world! so much has changed, and south park is reflecting that in its characters, most notably in a character who was stuck in the, what, 1960s with his beliefs? that was fine way back when, but matt&trey are smart dudes - they understand that sometimes things have to change. besides, they love cartman, too. he's their favorite. but they understand that when real people act like him, it's not so comedic or satirical or funny, & they don't want to look at cartman, at their creation who they've invested twenty-two years in, and see the all-too-real hate of modern radical white america.

i think we know enough about matt&trey's social stances these days, and the empathy they've seemed to develop after having kids, to understand that they're no longer in their "apathy is best, everyone is stupid" phase. current south park is left-leaning and admittedly preachy at times, but i wouldn't want it any other way. g-d knows it's better this way than if they'd embraced and decided to appeal to their right-libertarian following instead. cartman's evolved in a progressive and positive way, and it's fucking dope, especially to us cartman stans who so badly want him to be good. and he is good right! he's doing so good!

and i know im up my own ass rn but yall know how much i myself have campaigned for jewish kyman/cartman and how much i just deeply and truly adore it, and to see it actualized in a canon episode to some extent? that meant the world to me. i couldn't believe my eyes. i was tellin lai - that's the most genuine, pure, almost violent happiness ive felt in my soul in years. that was like a straight shot of serotonin to the heart. that simple little scene made me so fucken happy yall dont even know. & theres a lot to be said about the political commentary and plenty of other people are analyzing that, but im a simple jewish kyman & cartman stan and boy ive been fed good fjskfkdkdkfk!!!

#in other news #sickly jew shay had her vision white out at school today and almost fell down the stairs #my grandpa has been given a week to live #AND the anniversary of the most important person in my life's death is approaching #and i turn fucking 19 soon and i always have birthday crisises #so fucken superb!#in happier news family guy airs soon and it's unfortunately still a fixation of mine so im unjustly excited #lissen stewie's worn a yarmulke twice in fg canon and i cried then #i love cartman approximately... 50x more than stewie jus bc of longevity and. nostalgia and favoritism #i was in legitimate hysterics #sp continues to be my light at the end of the tunnel jfkskf #mine #txt #sp spoilers #theres so much here im sorry i ramble sm #i struggle w wordz and usin em ironically

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rqs902 · 4 years

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enyu’s mom calls him "公子哥" is he rich or is this a JOKE LOL and his mom is at a bar IM CRYING HAHA

i just get a feeling youku eliminated shiwei for dramatic effect...

but aw xue en crying over weihao and mxy saying star master kids are all worthy to lin mo

L O L i was gonna be like oh thats nice enyu’s dad asked about his friends, he’s really been paying attention but then he starts throwing these

L O L I SEE WHERE HE GETS HIS REALNESS FROM HAHAHHAHA

LOL NOW HE KNOWS HOW IT FEELS

omg xikan wanting to call luo zheng!!!! im grateful theyre still close, theyre doing such different things now

awww mubo !!! being all supportive and protective of zuo ye

hHAHAHA omg fan yu talking on the phone to renyu is so cute, so expressive with the gasp when renyu says they just recorded elims and then the AHHHH and OH MY GOD when he says he and zaixi were eliminated and the ALSKJLAKS and loud sigh when renyu reveals he just tricked him hahahaha theyre so cute omg can fan yu pls show up at the next perf, id die

lin ran’s “new world new me” im cry

lol renyu’s getting roasted by his team mates but at least they didnt really ditch him

what is this set up anyway? theyre given a mission to leave, so theyre allowed to run around... but not? who planned this lol youku......

LOL jin fan tryin to reason why theyll be ok going to guangzhou

did their group just get special permission bc director li hao?

hahaha ayyy zhan yu jumped first, you go child! not surprised somehow that he’d love it

lin mo’s group went to the same place? LOL but also they seem so much more under control LOL such a guai group

LOL WHY ARE THEY SO LOUD HAHAHAH i dont think ive ever seen people that loud on a roller coaster LOL

LOL why am i not surprised enyu is the one carrying xzx

i cant with xzx and his heelys omg

leave it to csp to relate bungee jumping to some great deeper meaning for zlj’s personal growth hahahah but good on the kid for going through with it. interesting that zixin said he sees himself in zlj so much

HAHAHHAHA THIS FACE

when reminded he’s the hormone representative his face changed so fast im crying

ycw is laughing his butt off and i love how it says “children’s playground” in the background

when ycw gets thoroughly ignored

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA OSCAR’S SSHHHHHHHH AND XUE EN TELLS HIM TO WATCH HIS “LANGUAGE LANGUAGE” HAHAHAHHA

i just realized theres an english speaking line in this group :’) syh, xue en, oscar

awwwwwwwwww them all planning to sing him happy birthday on the dot and setting it up so he can be at the top at that moment awwww thats so fun

LOL the way that oscar cursed his way to the top and is sweating so hard LOL the poor kid omg HAHAHHA

aw he can tell syh drew the card

LOL ITS OKAY OSCAR I STRUGGLE WITH READING TOO

get you a friend like ycw who’ll tell you that you can decide how to pronounce words right, just because its your birthday

struggling to read xue en’s handwriting LOL

HHAHAHAHHAHAHA HOW DOES XZX RECOGNIZE IT’S HUANG ENYU BY FEELING HIS PECS HAHAHHAHA

i feel the need to just say huang junrong looks so adorable in his bright yellow outfit hahah

there’s two types of kids in this group: hjr and enyu screaming their butts off, and lin mo and xzx wallowing in regret of their life decisions

hjr and enyu always saying its too short when the ride ends LOL

lin mo talking real talk over dinner about their feelings BC HES A REAL LEADER and knows how important it is to address this. these concerns are obviously very present in his mind, even when theyre out having fun to relax, and he’s still trying his best to figure out how he can help them and motivate them.

makes sense that they would include enyu interview clips bc hes surely spouting the real talk, but i think its interesting its mainly him and lin mo getting screen time.

enyu would be the one to speak up and say something when lin mo is trying to talk to them though. i think theyre both right though, im guessing lin mo is in part too nice, bc he doesnt feel comfortable enough with them to be as strict as he normally is, bc he knows they have reason to not be motivated and he feels bad for them. but at the same time, he brings up a good point that they themselves need to have their own motivation. it cant just be him putting in effort. and i HUGELY respect that he is telling this to them straight up bc its a hard conversation to have, esp bc im sure he wants them to like him as a friend. but i respect that he knows if they have problems they have to air them out bc lack of communication will be too costly.

momo is lucky he has someone like enyu on his team who’ll actually talk to him with real opinions rather than just hide in fear of disrupting the status quo. literally enyu is the one voicing that he doesnt want takeout and he doesnt want to stay up late, and other people agree, but the surprise on lin mo’s face just tells you that he wouldnt have even realized these are things that are bothering his teammates unless they straight up told him, and thankfully enyu did, bc lin mo thankfully is reasonable and willing to change his habits for the sake of the group TO HELP THEM. hes willing to do anything he can to help them, as long as they tell him what they want from him. huang enyu’s lesson in communication, dont let people guess, just tell them straight up

its interesting bc its clear enyu respects lin mo a lot, says he has the experience and the skill and the right to yell at them to get it together, but hes still not afraid to tell lin mo he thinks lin mo should be more strict with them. and then i respect lin mo for not backing down when being criticized and for strongly insisting that they need to put in effort themselves too. he cant force them to do anything they dont want to do themselves. they themselves have to want to do well.

lin mo is really out here taking care of his group of children and leading them and helping them and looking out for them and im just floored by his leadership yet again. i really hope they can pull it together.

lin mo is a dork and stanning him leads to mostly either second-hand embarrassment or disappointment. from qcyn to snzm, it just always feels like he’s being mistreated and taken advantage of and stepped on, and sad things just keep happening to him. but then he has these moments where he reminds you of why he’s worth stanning. why it’s worth waiting for something good to finally actually happen. and why he deserves those good things. its just so nice to see hes getting some appreciation and recognition for the things he does. at least youku let us see his leadership in action.

totally not surprised akey is there to drive the conversation for their group’s real talk time. tyger co-leader translates clearly hahah

LOL LI HAO TOTALLY FORGOT THE SNZM DANCE LOL

im like not surprised xikan’s group got the least adventurous adventure bc hes not afraid to show how serious hes taking this competition, but also somehow still feel like hes not getting better treatment relative to being number one?? maybe im just overthinking

honestly all things considered im okay with this being the debut group

i mean i love ycw and zry but i feel like this makes sense to me.

this looks scary lol lin ran wyd

but yea even the way they framed the cliff hanger for next week... why do i just feel like xikan is not being treated with the respect he deserves??

anywayyyyyyyyyyyy for 少年營業中

LOL gz’s impression of zlj watching scary movies sounds so accurate im ded

zixin is so adorable!! i love his outfit too ahhah

LOL gz’s sassy response to zlj responding when xue en says he’s gonna talk about a cute trainee with highly regarded visuals

why am i totally not surprised xue en didnt get scared but zixin got scared AGAIN lol

why do i suddenly get the realization that we hardly ever see ycw and zlj interact

it just feels weird to see them together even tho they obviously have overlapping friend groups lol....

poor shiwei isnt even here and they keep talking about him LOL at least theyre not even really roasting him LOL ycw and yzx too nice for that

im just DYING at the cto gege’s laughing SO HARD HAHAHA

and ycw’s face LOL

xue en’s laugh made this ep worth it LOL

wow should i be happy that lin mo is finally in the next ep of this side show, or sad that jin fan never got to appear and itll be the last ep :( im also excited to see lin ran again! wow its weird to think that snzm is ending soon, it felt like the first 7 eps were like a slow burn and now its a mad rush to the end

#rants #in which i get in deep enyu and lin mo feels

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stevenuniversetanzanite · 4 years

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I made a prompt list out of three other people prompts so I can practice stories.

Links to originals

https://wayfaring----stranger.tumblr.com/post/186040990132/fluff-prompt-list

https://sparklyhyunjinnie.tumblr.com/post/622355495153451008/my-prompt-list-give-me-the-numbers-and-the-idol

https://imnotcreativeenoughtomakegoodurl.tumblr.com/post/186758228060/mmm-love-me-some-casually-aggressive-fluff

Feel free to suggest or use for your own purpose.

I’m only posting in case people wanted to suggest some otherwise I’ll let google random number generator decide.

Out of: 1-132

1. “I really want to kiss you right now”

2. “Stay with me.. please?”

3. “I am so madly in love with you”

4. “As long as I’m alive, I will do everything I can to protect you”

5. “I’ve never felt so strongly about someone before. I’m terrified”

6. “I can’t stop thinking about you. No matter how hard I try, you’re always on my mind”

7. “Don’t go on that date” “Why?” “Because it will kill me if you do”

8. “Just say the words, and I’m yours” “I love you”

9. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me”

10. “Please tell me you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you”

11. “Is this okay?” “It’s perfect”

12. “It’s okay, you’re okay, I’ve got you now”

13. “Seeing you this riled up really makes me want to kiss you”

14. “Shut up” “Make me”

15. “You’re the most beautiful person in the room”

16. “I’ve waited too long to do this”

17. “Part of me wants to keep the promise I made to myself.. the other half wants to say ‘screw it’” “Which half is winning?” “The latter”

18. “Why don’t we just stay here a bit longer? In our little cocoon”

19. “Were you jealous?” “No… maybe…”

20. “As if I’m going to let go of you that easily”

21. “okay, but first kiss me.”

22. “i don’t like the dark”

23. “can i hold your hand”

24. “i cant sleep when you’re not beside me

25. “i’m sorry i cant help but stare”

26. “will you stay?”

27. “i promise i won’t let anything bad happen”

28. “i’m so goddamn in love with you”

29. “thats my ex, make out with me and make him jealous

30. “spin the bottle is chiché, i’m in”

31. “i don’t think anyone has ever said that to me before”

32. “i know it’s 2am but can we meet up”

33. “your lips are getting really close to mine”

34. “shit, how’d you make me blush like this?”

35. “why do you always call me when i’m on a date?”

36. “don’t be silly i want to stay up with you”

37. “Have you ever kissed anyone?’

38. “I really can’t take it when you cry like that… smile for me, alright? You’re so pretty when you smile.”

39. “How do you want to die?”

40. “I’ll feel much better if you let me walk you home.”

41. “Are you flirting with me?” “You finally noticed?”

42. “Sorry… your hair was in your face… thought I should move it so I could see you better.”

43. “Just trust me”

44. “Your eyes are so pretty.”

45. “ive missed this”

46. “Did you just slap my ass?”

47. “Sharing is caring, now give me the hoodie!”

48. “Can you please…? Hmmm, I don’t know. Maybe put a shirt on?!”

49. “Give me attention.”

50. “Do we like…hold hands now?”

51. “I know I’ve kissed you like, ten times, but just like another ten, please.”

52. “Don’t be nervous, you can come closer”

53. “I-I miss your arms around me as I slept, I know it’s embarrassing but you made me feel safe.”

54. “I have a feeling we should kiss.”“Is that a good feeling or a bad feeling?”

55. “You’re so soft, if I could ever touch the clouds, this is what they’d feel like.”

56. “we’re in public, you know”

57. “either take it off, or I will happily do it for you.”

58. “This is embarrassing but I had a bad dream and back home when this happens I normally just crawl into bed with my mom or sister but since they’re not here anymore can I sleep with you?”

59. “are those my hair clips”

60. “we need to talk about what happened last night”

61. "You're hiding under that blanket because you're blushing?"

62. “I’ll fix it.”

63. “Why are you unbuttoning your pants?”

64. “You’re so fucking hot when you’re mad.”

65. “You’ve been so bad, haven’t you, baby?”

66. "The sunset isn't as beautiful as you, my love."

67. “Quit it or I’ll bite you.”

68. “I told you to bring a jacket”

69. “dont cry”

70. “if I was there, you’d be getting all the cuddles you deserve”

71. “Did someone say shower time?”

72. “I had a sex dream about you and honestly I don’t know how to feel about it

73. “We always share blankets on the couch, im sure sharing a bed isn’t much different.

74. “How much did you hear?”

75. “why are you so jealous?”

76. “you keep a photo of us in your wallet?”

77. “Bite me” “where”

78. “and just WHERE do you think you’re putting your hands?”

79. “I'm not going anywhere”

80. “are you sure, once we start I might not be able to stop”

81. “behave”

82. “Tell me what you want”

83. “I cant keep kissing strangers and pretending they're you” 64 - “why don’t you come over here and make me,”

84. “tell me again”

85. “Don’t ruin the sofa”

86. “Prove it”

87. “If you keep dancing like that I’m going to cum in my pants”

88. “Stop distracting me”

89. “Did you just look me up and down and bite your lip?”

90. “Are you sure that’s what you want, I could hurt you”

91. “What happens if I do this”

92. “Why don’t you put something pretty on for me”

93. “It was you this whole time”

94. “Is that a tattoo”

95. “I wonder what your boyfriend/girlfriend would do if they knew what you were doing right now

96. “No im not letting you go, its too early to get out of bed”

97. “Can you stop playing connect the dots with my freckles?”

98. “poor baby, do you want me to take care of it for you?”

99. “You can pull my hair all you want”

100. “that tickles,”

101. “your duality scares me,”

102. “What do you have behind your back?”

103. “You snuck into my room to cuddle?”

104. “Hold my hand please”

105. “Wait we were supposed to bring presents?”

106. “I know all of your weaknesses, but this ones new”

107. “We could go together if you wanted”

108. “oh my god do that again”

109. “Do you even know how to load a dishwasher?”

110. “I have a surprise for you”

111. “you're so cute when you pout like that”

112. “we should get a puppy!”

113. “I never cried over a gift before, but there’s a first for everything”

114. “was I too rough”

115. “You’re the one I want, is that so hard to believe?”

116. “I like the way your hand fits in mine”

117. “Wait don’t pull away… not yet”

118. “I love you”

119. “You cant leave without letting me hug you”

120. "I probably wouldn't care if you died because then I would just summon Satan to bring you back to life; It's no biggie at all."

121. "Say you're not worth it one more time, I dare you. I will throw hands with you, I swear to Go-"

122. "You make me want to punch the sun just by looking at you-But like, in a sorta declaration-of-my-undying-love kinda way."

123. "Jesus christ, I- It's nothing, I just realized that I would legit eat my kidneys for you. I just love you so much."

124. "Oh god, if you only knew the things I'd do for you."

125. "Sometimes I feel like all the love you give is going to make me implode one day."

126. "You call the shots; I would walk into a volcano with you if you felt like it."

127. "Here's the thing; there's no way you're stronger than me. I guess you're just gonna hafta miss a couple hours of work and cuddle with me then."

128. "I will boop your nose as many times as I like, thank you very much!"

129. "'Aight wanna bet? I will phisically fight you for little spoon rights!"

130. "You're so cute! I just wanna hug you, and squeeze you, and love you and hold you until the end of time an- Oh sorry, it wasn't supposed to sound that creepy, I swear!"

131. "You know I would die for you, but for the love of all that is good in this godforesaken world; when I say 'bite me' during an argument it isn't and invitation to get horny."

132. "Don't be so gentle. You can hug me tighter y'know- I'm not going to pop or anything."

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notreallythegreatestperson · 4 years

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FIVE SONGS

list five songs associated with your muse and its meaning to them as a character, or to you as the writer. this can be applied in-character or out-of-character. it can go as deep as looking at the song’s real-world origins or meaning along with the themes it carries to the muses’ story, values, or experiences, or as simple as if your muse would listen to this kind of music, or even if you just listen to these pieces for inspiration.

TAGGED BY: @handspoken (i think this is my first time actually being tagged in one of these! thanks!) TAGGING: @dogandroses (any muse you like!), @puzzlebones, @the-judge-of-bones, @sxvethequeen, @ladydreemurr, @staydetermined, @nebula-gaster, and anyone else who wants to do it!

01. Megalo Strike Back - Toby Fox

a part of the soundtrack from earthbound, a game toby fox worked on a few years before undertale’s release. though it’s not connected to undertale explicitly, the link with megalovania has led to some headcanons of it being chara’s theme. i was a little hesitant to include this, it felt like a bit of a cliche, but ultimately I do like it as a theme for chara. you’ve got the rich, heavy instruments that remind me of megalovania and other intense battle themes, but with a bright, simple melody more reminiscent of flowey’s theme and the image of something happy and childlike turned bad.

02. Requiem - Dear Evan Hansen (tw: suicide mention) when the villains fall, the kingdoms never weep / no one lights a candle to remember / no, no one mourns at all / when they lay them down to sleep

not as much a song that could be from chara’s perspective, as the later ones on the list are, but more a song about their impact. the song deals with a family, reacting in different ways after a member commits suicide unexpectedly. it’s not a stretch to see them as the dreemurrs. their sibling is coming to terms with the fact that the person who died was a flawed person who hurt them, and struggles to grieve as they’re expected to. the father feels bitter, regretting that he wasn’t able to provide enough for his child, while the mother remains hopeful that some essence of her child remains in the world. the idea of remembrance - the “requiem” - links in to chara’s bitterness towards the monsters after death, that they literally sacrificed themselves to make a difference to monsterkind and barely see anyone remember that, while frisk gets all the glory and credit.

03. Everyone Else is an Asshole - Reel Big Fish everybody else thinks of no one but themselves / and no one wants to help cause they're all assholes / and every friendly chat is a knife in the back / a sneaky attack waiting to happen

this is probably the least serious song on the list, but it’s still an interesting look inside their head. the singer here insists that the rest of the world are assholes, that he’s the nice guy, and his worries about what they’re going to do to him drives him to physical violence. while chara fully acknowledges that they play the villain in bad runs, and often enjoy it, i think this song applies to the overall dissonance between their mindset and the actual reality of the world. they have a habit of separating things into black and white, good and bad, despite any evidence that it isnt the case. they believe caring about another person, even just being allies with someone else, is a stupid, unnecessary risk that will only lead to them getting betrayed. this defensiveness, this refusal to connect with others, is a big driving factor in chara getting physically violent towards the people around them.

04. Monster - Dodie Clark i'm guessing that i've grown horns / i guess i'm human no more / i can tell I've rotted in your brain

it’s not a song chara would ever listen to themselves, but i’m always a sucker for a good monster/human metaphor i can apply a little too literally. though it’s originally written about romantic partners, the core idea of two people who used to love each other, and now begin to hate each other, feels very relevant to chara’s life. mix that in with the visuals of hate slowly turning a person into something grotesque and monstrous, and you get an interesting clash of ideas - chara’s rejection of humanity and their wish to be more like their monster family, and chara’s mindset that they are inherently twisted and dark and evil in some way. it also explores the idea of regretting the past, wanting to take it back but being unable to do that or even to communicate how you really feel, and that resonates very strongly with my portrayal of chara.

05. Blasphemy - Bring Me The Horizon you got hell to pay, but you already sold your soul / it's blasphemy, but the words don't make sense no more / what would your mother say?

i’ll be real here, when i first looked through this meme, i was acutely aware that my interests in music are very different to chara’s, and it felt like a disservice to not include at least one song that they’d actually listen to. so after a chat with a friend who has more similar tastes to them, i picked out this. the creators describe it as being about people who make themselves believe something they know deep down is false, because the alternative scares them. looking to what ive mentioned already about chara’s binary, reductive mindset that enables them hurting others, it feels very relevant. throw in some religious imagery, linking to the whole “angel of death” concept in undertale, and the concept of sacrificing yourself for an already flawed belief, and i knew it had to be on here.

#look at what you’ve done (meme)#disconnected. (ooc)#((im sorry in advance for any whiplash in listening to these #ive had chara as a muse for a while and the music i listen to changes a lot over time #hopefully ive got a nice coverage though #definitely a fun one to do!! so thanks for tagging me!!))

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angeliclunaetic · 4 years

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just thinking back to the day i met him, till now and,, there was always something about him. something that drew me in and everything just felt right. That day we met,, something about him just drew me in. idk if it was his sense of humor or just how polite n sweet and caring he was in general but it was,, something. idek why i even texted him in the first place. i just commented on his stuff and decided to text him. we talked for a few and then he showed me a pic of himself and i was just,, in awe. he really was the cutest thing ever. yes i had thought abt using him when i first saw him but,, i couldnt even if i had wanted to. i seen his pic and thought “yeah he looks like he’d be easy to use” but then by the end of texting him that night,, i fell so deeply for him. actually no. i already fell for him. way before we even met. that must be how everything felt so right. but just texting him a little bit that first night,, i just instantly wanted to know more about him. i never even talked abt someone else to my gc and for some reason i had the urge to talk about him,, like i knew he was the one but didn’t realize it. and then when we called for the first time,, i swear i had butterflies. even though i was otp with him and his friend,, i was so nervous to just talk to him. i had thought of him as my crush at that point. no one had ever made me feel that way. i never got so nervous to talk to anyone. i wanted to stay quiet that entire time so i wouldnt say something stupid and embarrass myself but something about him,, made me want to be so open. so i talked to him,, and when we got off the phone of our first call,, i was so incredibly sad. i wanted to talk to him more and more and i just wanted to call him again already,, but i wasnt sure how he had felt or if he even felt the same. i thought he did but i didnt wanna assume and make a fool out of myself. i wasnt sure if he had a crush or if he was just being nice. but after a while it was easy to realize. he was way too sweet and caring to me. more than a friend should be. he was there for me the night i was bawling otp w my ex. and he got mad and upset about how my ex was treating me in a way that was different than just my friends. and thats what made me fall for him even more. just him. being himself. him being so sweet. so caring. him just being there for me and not judging me and wanting others to treat me right. and when we videocalled that first time,,i was so nervous. i was worried he’d see what i look like and not be attracted to me anymore. but he still was. but i was so nervous anyways. but when i saw him on video call for the first time,, i was in shock. how could someone be so cute. so perfect. how could someone capture my heart just by simply smiling at me. i knew from then, that i, was in love with him. i wanted to be his so badly. but when he had asked me out i wanted to just scream yes at him,, but something in my mind told me to just calm down and wait,, however a part of me was worried that if i had made him wait that he’d find someone better and leave me. but he didn’t he stayed. even after that night i had told him everything. of how i used to use people and how i had originally planned to use him and he still stayed. i swear i felt my heart break that night and i was crying so much out of fear that he’d leave me before we even got together. i had such strong feelings for him and i wanted him to be mine. but i wanted to make sure i was away from,, that thing,, and that i fully loved him before i got into anything serious. i didnt wanna jump from relationship to relationship either. a part of me just wanted to be single and just have fun. but just,, talking to him and texting him,, i wanted him. i didnt care if i wasnt single. i just wanted him. but also a part of me didnt want to love again. or “love” as i should say considering i never loved anyone before him. i was mentally and emotionally exhausted and relationships are just so much work and you have to give someone such a large piece of yourself and i wouldnt be able to handle being broken again. so many thoughts ran through my head. “what if i dont love him, what if im just attracted to him because im going through things and he’s there for me” “what if he wont wait for me” “what if he doesnt like me “ “what if im using him and dont realize” “what if i get hurt” all these “what if’s” and i never once thought abt the reality of it all. that i, had feelings for him. that he felt the same. that he was willing to wait for me, even if it took years. that he would never hurt me and even allowed himself to be hurt by me if that meant even just getting a chance at me loving him. i guess i was just so worried and just in shock. no ones felt so deeply for me before.and that night that i had asked him out,,, i had seen a pic of my ex with this new girl and i felt absolutely nothing towards it. so then,, thats when i knew. i was over him. that emotional attachment was gone. and my feelings for sam were real. and we had called that night,, that entire night i was so nervous and got butterflies, and i realized i never stopped smiling once during that whole phone call. and after we got of,, i, once again, was extremely sad. i wanted to hear his voice talking to me for hours and hours. i wanted to smile and feel nervous and get butterflies. and at that point i was like,, fuck it. yes i was still worried that my feelings werent true. but what was the harm in trying. he was the only person to have caught my eye in like,, ever. he was on my mind that whole night and probably abt like 30 mins after we got off call i asked him out. my feelings for him were too strong. i was worried he wouldnt wait and i couldnt risk losing someone as special as him to someone else,, if i did, i wouldve never forgiven myself. im glad i asked him out. even though i had surprised myself by it,, i just couldnt wait any longer,, i needed to make him mine. and i did. and i wouldnt change it for the world. the first month for me was very,, rough. of course we were still getting to know each other and our boundaries,, and i of course made some mistakes. my fears of possibly not having true feelings were coming back. and it pushed him away because he didnt wanna get hurt. and he almost left me. those two nights that we had an issue and he had left me,, they broke me. they really did. that was the worst i had ever been. the crying,, the screaming,, the anger and complete sadness i felt. i felt as if i had lost everything. i felt as if i had nothing left. if i didnt have him,, then,, who am i. im nothing without him. he’s my other half. my soulmate. and i thought i had lost him. im glad im so annoying and clingy otherwise i’d be so fucking heartbroken without him. we had only been together for less than a month those two times and yet i felt so strongly for him. nothing has ever made me feel this way. i had never wanted to keep someone in my life so bad before. it was like,, i needed him to breathe. i needed him to smile. i just,, needed him. i cant live without him. just thinking about a life without him makes me fucking sick. i want him and only him for the rest of our lives. no one can even compare to him. im just,, in shock. like im really in love with him and it just amazes me. im sitting here writing this as he’s sound asleep and i just. i miss him a lot. i guess all my feelings are coming out now since ive been distant the past month but,, i dont care. ill gladly shout from the rooftops how much i love him. god there’s so much more i could say about us. even before we started dating. i cant get over the rush i felt. the excitement, the nerves, the butterflies,, even all the “what if’s”,, i still get nervous and get butterflies when talking to him but ofc they’re not gonna be as strong as when we had met and declared our love for each other. speaking of love,, now im reminded of the day i had told him that i love him,, we had “argued” the day before and i thought i had lost him for good,, and that next day,,i wanted nothing more than to just hold him and kiss him and tell him that i love him. i know the words “i love you” is such a meaningful thing,, i couldnt help but tell him. its exactly how i felt. i loved him. i couldnt be apart from him,, even after only a week of dating him,, i was in love that night i thought he was leaving me for good,, absolutely broke me. and the next day i just wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. even though i was so nervous to tell him that i loved him,, i just,, i knew i was sure. no one had ever made me feel so strongly about them. yeah ive cried over my ex. but nothing could ever compare to just the complete distraught i felt that night. that crying so much it burned my throat and threw up,, the screaming,, just the complete sadness and anger i felt. after that,, i knew i loved him, and i wasnt afraid to tell him. i was nervous bc of how he’d react but i knew that i was never more sure of anything else in my life. i love him. and i want to be with him forever.

#lovenotesforsam

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nekokoaa · 5 years

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Wolves Among Us - Bakugo x Reader (V)

Wolves Among Us – Bakugo x Reader

Series Warning: Fantasy AU, Fluff, NSFW

(Chapter V/XX) New Mini Series!

I love this chapter! Had a blast writing it <3 <3 Thank you everyone who follows this story!!! Reading your reactions always gets me pumped!!

Taglist:

@freedom-for-bum @reallyfuckingangrylatina @risarisarisaa @ashherssss @mels-heart @xa-dia @shanty-lol (((Some of the tags aren’t working for you guys so I'm guessing you have to go to your settings and allow yourself to be tagged)))

Inspired by The Company of Wolves by Angela Carter

(Chapter I) (Chapter II) (Chapter III) (Chapter IV) (Chapter V) ((click the tag wau bnha to find all the chapters since Tumblr killed links.))

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It was quiet. The sun was completely gone, retired for the day so that the moon could shower its glow across the forest. The skies were oddly clear of clouds with only the moon solely hanging in its vicinities. But it was still as cold as ever with an old sheet of snow slouched across the land in uneven hills. The snow was hardened because of the lower temperatures and every time you stepped your boot into it, it would crunch, and an ice crater created from your foot would be formed.

Katsuki’s boots did the same thing except that they were much larger than your own. You were starting to notice just how big Katsuki was as he had his back towards you, leading you through the shadows between the thick trees. He was holding your hand, tightly, it was the only warmth you felt in this weather. Anytime you touched Katsuki, it always felt hot like summer. It never ceased to amaze you how just simply being close to him could remind you of the fiercest of seasons. Whenever he would escort you back to the main pathway, he would hold your hand to lead you. He knew you couldn’t see as well as him in the dark and he also didn’t want you getting lost. It was your favorite part, ending the day with Katsuki, hand in hand with your heart thumping in your chest. He was your protector and it made you happy how willing he was to guide you out of the forest every time nightfall arrived.

It was a week since it happened. The distant attitude Katsuki had after his tongue left your neck. It left you so confused amongst your feelings of desire. A fire was lit within you when he held you that evening and you had the urge to pull him back when he departed. How strange that feeling was, like you just wanted to surrender yourself to him, to his claws, to his fangs, to his body. You wondered how he must’ve felt. Was it strange for him as well? Did he have the urge to devour you?

“You’re so quiet.” Your eyes flickered up and saw Katsuki’s glowing eyes briefly in your direction, a burning red like usual. “You’re usually talking your mouth off.” He wasn’t wrong. You always took lead in the conversations but this time, you were trapped in your thoughts. Even though he had reverted back to himself the next day after him being distant, you still wanted to know if he desired you as much as you desired him. It’s been more than a month since you’ve known him, you couldn’t ignore these feelings even if you tried.

“The day went by too fast.” Although, you didn’t have the courage to ask him. You decided to mumble something about time, sounding slightly disappointed because soon you would have to separate from Katsuki.

“It gets dark faster around this time of year. Can’t help it.” You wondered if the drop in his vocals meant he was disappointed too. You fell silent yet again with only the crunch of the snow under your boots being the sole conversation between you two. You had fallen victim to your thoughts again, succumbing to your memories of last week. You didn’t notice when Katsuki suddenly stop walking until you had walked into his back. When your eyes met with his again, you found yourself under his annoyed stare. He turned around to face you with a soft snarl and pulled his hand out of yours.

“What’s going on with you? You got something to say to me?” He couldn’t ignore it anymore. He knew there was something bothering you since last week and as the days went by, you became more and more spacey. Katsuki didn’t like it. He could read your facial expressions, but he couldn’t read the mind behind it.

“Nothing’s going on. I’m just not that talkative today.” You shrugged, giving a small smile, but Katsuki’s frown remained permanent even with such a sweet look on your face.

“Bullshit.” He scoffed. “This past week you’ve been weird. All quiet and what not. Are you afraid of me now or something?” His eyebrows were so furrowed that wrinkles began appearing between them. He definitely looked frustrated, but you could slightly see the pain behind his red irises. “I know, alright, I didn’t mean to hurt you last week. And then, all that crap happened with cleaning you. Look, I get it if you don’t want to see me anymore.”

Where did he get that idea? You were already shaking your head and you moved to hold both of Katsuki’s hands. “Wait. You’re jumping to conclusions. I never said I didn’t want to see you and I’m definitely not afraid of you. I just…” You quieted down, feeling your face heat up. You brought your eyes towards the ground.

Katsuki continued to stare at you and they bore into your face like sun spots. “You just what?” You couldn’t read his voice, but it sounded calmer than before. A complete contrast to your heart that was thrashing around in your body. You didn’t know if you had the courage to tell him your feelings. After all, he was a wolf and you were a human. Two different species who are pitted against each other. Could it even work? You thought of the pregnant woman you met in the forest, how sure she was of herself being in a relationship with a wolf. You knew they loved each other dearly, regardless of the issues they might face. But were you ready for such issues? Was Katsuki?

“I-I… Haah.” You made a frustrated sigh, letting go of Katsuki’s hands. “Just forget it. It’s nothing…”

“Come on, tell me.” He was growing impatient, you could tell by the small growl that left him. He tried to grab your hand for whatever reason, but you slipped away just before his fingers could touch you.

“It’s nothing.” You repeated, avoiding his growing intense eyes. You brought your arms around your body and hugged yourself, afraid if any of your limbs were left out that Katsuki would grab hold of them to shake your response out of you. You didn’t want that happening, nor for this conversation to continue. You began to walk past Katsuki, unfortunately, not going too far on the account of you slipping on a rock that was covered completely in snow. If it wasn’t for Katsuki’s strong arms, you would’ve probably fell face first in a pile of snow. His arms easily went around your waist and your body collided with his instead of the icy pile. You almost regretted looking up because you found yourself lost in the field of fire lilies again. You were beginning to notice just how beautiful he looked in the moonlight. His eyes seemed to glow in the dark and reflect the soft lighting of the moon. His seemingly flawless cream skin would glisten, and his ash blonde hair shimmered like jewels embedded in stone. He also always looked calmer during the night, like he was in his natural element. He wasn’t afraid of the dark like you were but was one with it.

“Clumsy woman. You also fell the first time we met.” His eyes were fixed on your face.

You snorted, somewhat hoping he couldn’t feel or hear the sound your heart panging. “Only because you were chasing me.”

“Maybe you should’ve let me catch you sooner.” Oh, that devilish smirk should be illegal. It rattled your mind so as you saw his large fangs and felt his nails pressing into your sides. He looked like he would devour you in seconds, tempting it may be with you in his arms, flushed and heated, looking delirious like you did last week when he had you against his body. It was so quiet between you two, but the words existed in the connection of your eyes. Your hand that was pressed into his chest could feel his chiseled muscles through his clothes. Curiosity had you wondering how he looked like nude in all of his glory, from his muscles all the way down to his… you blushed, and you were sure if Katsuki didn’t already hear the rhythm of your heart that he would most definitely hear it now.

“I never felt so strongly about someone before, Katsuki…” You couldn’t deny it. You yearned for him whether or not he felt the same way. The hand that was on his chest was now cupping his cheek, stroking his soft skin.

Katsuki remained staring at you but his eyes were so intense. Passion was lurking around in those fiery irises and it nearly took you breath away.

And he was seconds away from having his first taste of you. “Me neither.”

It wasn’t what you were expecting, this energy coursing through your body, like static left after a lightning strike. It pulsed within you, blasting into a fire that seemed to spread to your core like wildfire. Katsuki had captured your lips with his and pushed your body until it met against the cold bark of a tree. The cold yet again nonexistent when together with Katsuki. You wrapped your arms around his large form, gripping the clothes on his back as you struggled to keep up with his wild lips. He was kissing you voraciously, like he hadn’t felt the touch of a woman in centuries. You may have yearned for him, but he ached to feel your skin against his for as long as he could remember.

His name found its way upon your lips, soft and breathless like how he imagined. It made him deepened the kiss even more, wanting to know how different his name could sound with your harmonious voice. He tried his best to keep his hands at your hips, he didn’t want to scare you away if he became adventurous—but he knew soon enough when the time comes, his curiosity will be fulfilled.

You didn’t know kissing could feel so great. How just a simple nip at your bottom lip could send your lower stomach into a tizzy of pleasure. And when he first snuck his tongue past your lips, you roamed your tongue around his mouth, personally touching his fangs that were incredibly sharp. The groans that left Katsuki were both sexy and addicting, you didn’t want him to stop as it helped maintain the heat building in your core. You moved your hands into his hair, gripping and running them through his frizzy strands. It must’ve provoked him or something because you soon felt his hot hands touching the bare skin of your hips. He had slipped his hands under the rim of your long skirt and also your underwear. It was a tight fit for his hands, but he couldn’t stop himself from touching you. He wanted more. You couldn’t blame him, it took the greatest willpower to stop yourself from slipping your hand under his clothes to feel his great abs.

“Katsuki…” You moaned hungrily, feeling him pressing his body against yours until all you felt was bark and his hard chest. You didn’t even notice when his wolf ears started to twitch because you were so intoxicating by his lips. Katsuki himself almost couldn’t feel it until something made him startled. He pulled away from you faster than you realized it and when you did, you instantly pouted.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, still a little hazy from the kiss.

“I heard something.” He spoke right away, pulling away from you. His hands slipped out of your skirt and he started to look around the quiet forest. The darkness densely surrounded the trees, the moonlight was no longer shining through as it was shielded by a thick cloud that leisurely moved across the sky. You could barely see anything, but you felt Katsuki grasping your hand tightly. You could tell there was something making him anxious.

“Shit! ____!” You suddenly heard him say and you felt him grab at your shoulders. It was the very first time you heard your name from his lips, but it held no loving emotion or even lust, it was distressed and desperate. “Run!” He began to push you. “Get out of her—” Something suddenly pricked Katsuki in his neck, it was tiny and sharp like a needle and as soon as it pierced his skin, he felt his body become numb. He was slowly losing the feeling of his limbs. It spread from his arms to his chest, and finally his legs. He fell onto the snow-covered ground, unable to support himself any longer. It looked as if he had fainted as his eyes were shut and was completely immobile.

“Katsuki?! Katsuki!!” You called out his name in panic, diving knees first into the snow near his body. You tried shaking him awake but he wasn’t responding. It was like he was dead and that worried you greatly.

What Katsuki heard was something you wished you’d never encounter. They traveled in groups and were terribly skilled at hunting, specifically wolves. They lit their torches to reveal themselves, disgusting smirks were also exposed by the flickering flame as well as their weapons clasped in their hands. They were dressed in all black for camouflage during the night and they surrounded you and Katsuki in mere seconds.

“Looks like we caught ourselves a wolf and a wolf lover.” They snickered.

Remember if you want to be added to the tagslist, let me know! Love ya <3

(Chapter I) (Chapter II) (Chapter III) (Chapter IV) (Chapter V) ((click the tag wau bnha to find all the chapters since Tumblr killed links.))

#bnha #bnha scenarios #wau bnha #bnha x reader #bakugo katsuki #bakugo katsuki x reader #nekokoafanfictions #mha #mha x reader

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chimcharstar · 5 years

Note

1 THROUGH 55 AND 1 THROUGH 30 GO GO GO

LETS FUCKIN GO

tumblr please actually make this a keep reading

55 interesting questions you should drop in someone’s inbox

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I ALREADY WATCH NETFLIX AND AGONIZE OVER MY STORY

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

MY JACKETS. ANY CHEST OBSCURING, BROAD SHOULDERED, COZY JACKET

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

DANCING, ID NEED TO GO TO CLASSES OR SOMETHING

4. What would your perfect room look like?

IM ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY ROOM BUT IVE ALWAYS WANTED A LAVA LAMP, AND 1800 MORE PLANTS COULDNT HURT

5. Do you play sports?

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

SINNOH REGION

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

DEBT COLLECTION. I WOULD BE GIVING SHIT TO PEOPLE FOR FREE. I COULDNT BEAR BEING ENCOURAGED TO FORCE PEOPLE WHO CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING TO PAY MORE

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

SERVING. HOW MANY PLATES CAN YOU CARRY AT ONCE

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

WALKING IN MY SPACE BUBBLE WHEN MY SENSES ARE OVERLOADED

10. What skill would you like to master?

A SECOND LANGUAGE

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

THE ONE FROM MY DREAM WHERE I KISSED A GIRL DYED MY HAIR BLUE AND WE ELOPED TO BRAZIL TO RAISE SHEEP

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

THAT CHRISTMAS SHIT. PEPPERMINT MOCHA AT STARBUCKS. A FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME ONCE. NOW I ORDER IT A BILLION TIMES.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

I HAVE NOT TRAVELLED MUCH EVER

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I DONT REMEMBER LYRICS SO MUCH, BUT I COULD PROBABLY REMEMBER HOW MANY SONGS GO COMPLETELY

15. Are you usually early or late?

LATE. IM GETTING BETTER THOUGH

16. What takes up too much of your time?

GETTING OUT OF BED

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

SWORDS

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

COFFEE. SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO ME.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

QUEER EYE BUT BY TRANS PEOPLE FOR TRANS PEOPLE

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

YOU. AND ME. ITS GROWTH

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

21, SO I HAVE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

13 REASONS, THE BOOK WAS TRIGGERING SO I WONT RISK IT

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

TAKING A WALK, HAVING COFFEE, WATERING PLANTS… IM HAPPY

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I HAVE PERFUME...

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

TO YOUNG TO NEVER DRINK. TOO OLD FOR POKEMON

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR EITHER BUT I SEEM TO LIKE URBAN FANTASY A LOT

27. How often do you people watch?

I THINK IM SO POLITE BUT HONESTLY, I QUIETLY SCRUTINIZE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN EVERY DAY AND GUESS AT THEIR PERSONAL HABITS AND SELF IMAGE.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

MY BIRTHDAY, SAGITTARIUS SEASON RULES BABY

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

I DONT KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING PPL HAVENT HEARD OF BUT IM INTERESTED IN BLACK HOLES

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

FOOD. NETFLIX. DECOMPOSING ON TUMBLR

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I HAVENT READ A BOOK I REALLY LOVE IN AGES. HARRY POTTER AND ARTEMIS FOWL WERE MY FAVOURITES GROWING UP, BUT CORNELIA FUNKES BOOKS SLAPPED AND HIS DARK MATERIALS WAS GORGEOUS

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

IDAHO?

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

LUCIFER WAS LIKE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR BORING MIDDLE NAME JANE AND KNOWS THAT EVERY MURDER BREAKS YOUR HEART AND YOU SIMPLY DESERVE BETTER SO NO MORE MOMENTS WHILE THEYRE HAVING A MOMENT AND CHLOE IS WATCHING THIS FUCKING IDIOT AND IVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE SO I KNOW SHES GONNA KISS HIM AND THEN THEY KISS

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

ANY SMALL TALK QUESTIONS

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

YES. ID MAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT UP. SKILLS

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

GIVE ME A HUG AND SOME CHOCOLATE

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

HANG GLIDING

38. Dream car?

SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO WORRY WILL FALL INTO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

STRAIGHT LOVE SONGS

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

HAVING A CAT

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

DECORATING THE DOLLHOUSE I RESCUED FROM THE BATHROOM

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

IM NOT VERY FAR THROUGH THE WEEK AND I HAVENT ENJOYED MOST OF IT BUT PEOPLE SAYING ADORABLE THINGS

43. How different was your life one year ago?

NOT A LOT DIFFERENT, IM JUST LONELY IN THE CITY NOW, MINUS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE YEAR ON T

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

MY CACTUS JAKEN. I DROPPED HIM SO MANY TIMES AN ENTIRE HALF OF HIS SPIKES ARE FLAT SCARS. AND LOOK AT HIM. THRIVING

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

GENUINELY MADE ART

46. What do you hope never changes?

MY T PRESCRIPTION

47. What movie title best describes your life?

I LOOKED THROUGH NETFLIX AND I PICK TWILIGHT

48. What website do you visit most often?

TUMBLR

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

MY BIRTHDAY

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

FINDING A REASON TO CANCEL EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

WALKING BY SOME RUNNING WATER

52. What age would you like to live to?

80. THATS MY MENTAL HEALTH ANSWER

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

SOMETHING CREATIVE WOULD BE AWESOME

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

CRIMES

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

A CAT

Lgbt+ ask game

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I’m even a little shaken by a questioning state right now but for a while I’ve felt the best fit is the androgynous label -- I read a description of it being the purple on a pink to blue scale, both at once but not specifically either one, and something else by itself. I’m also happy with a cryptic masculine grey area. My pronouns are he/him.

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

During the Puberty 1.0 nightmare, I was basically living someone else’s life, and any attraction I felt wasn’t in relation to myself. I felt disconnected from my body and gender and everything too, and I felt a lot of social pressure to experience a certain type of attraction, fit into a certain role, et cetera, and none of these feelings existed in me at all, so I used to identify as ace. When I realized I was trans, I was too caught up in the, transition safely, my life is a lie, stopping dysphoria drama to focus on this, but I had an idea I might be a gay guy judging from my gay creative writing until I caught feelings for a girl and realized this wasn’t the first time that had happened. Some bi positivity and nonbinary rage later, I am reminded that gender is a joke.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Yes of course A LOT. Starting with my parents, who do it aggressively and maliciously. And plenty from strangers and customers, mostly after hearing my voice pre-transition. It used to hurt terribly because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time, and one little thing could be the last straw, so I used to react strongly and harshly, to people you express yourself to anyway. On T, I’ve been so much more chill and confident, and it’s less painful to accept that some people just don’t know any better, although that doesn’t change its effect.

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

I don’t remember, I think it was a high school friend. I vaguely remember texting someone in a bathroom during a crying session at work. My high school friends were all warm and supportive.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

It was scary as hell. I’m sure coming out (with your gender specifically) is scary by nature because it’s a huge truth to be telling that can really change how the people you love perceive you, for better or for worse, but for me, I’m also thinking with the dread and certainty that my family would be too conservative and potentially dangerous. Coming out to my family was one of the worst, most painful things I’ve ever been through -- being kicked out and laughed at, a lot of drama, confrontations, Bible readings and being ganged up on at odd hours, trying to comfort my mom who took it as her personal failure -- I was shaking with adrenaline 24/7. I think of the “I’ll suffer through anything as long as it has meaning” comment that was about angsty fanfics, but knowing the truth about myself was a source of unshakable strength and it felt refreshing and even triumphant to say, like I was giving myself permission to exist for the first time. I came out a bunch of times, though...

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

My family reacted mostly badly, my sister is a little confused but has the spirit, and my friends have been wonderful.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

It’s more of a gender thing, but I hate it when people imply that I shouldn’t be on T or are subtly trying to talk me out of it with their questions. After all the disrespectful as fuck bullshit I heard from my parents, I’m tired of this.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

Zombie apocalypse denim? Gay Layers

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I’m not really emotionally invested in these “ships” you cool kids are talking about. I like canon, age-appropriate ones.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I’ve never really worn makeup. I brazenly never bothered to growing up, and if it had an effect on me socially, I was too tuned out to care. My sister always wanted to do my hair and makeup, but I wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her, much to her frustration. I wore some for a musical once though, and I had no idea what I was doing and it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt what I know now is dysphoria and ended up using the lipstick to draw. Another aspect to this is my family forbade it (or my dad made the decision for everyone), not that it made my sister feel less pressured to wear it, so maybe it was some female presentation I could easily get out of. For that reason, I don’t have super strong feelings about it. Not understanding it probably resulted in me feeling left out a lot among my peers.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

Yes. Before my realization, it was a numb horror I wasn’t consciously aware of, ruining nice things growing up to the point where I feel like I missed out on being a teenager. I remember it as feeling nauseous while sitting in a corner, feeling like none of my clothes ever fit for some mysterious reason. Living with my family in the closet, it defined my life, and I was obsessed with my presentation. These days, it does not bother me on that level at all, except a minor freakout now and then if I get really wild and wear feminine clothes. Or I still feel it in more subtle ways, when I default to customer service voice, or when guys my age are twice my height and I look aaaall the way up at them and wonder what gender they see me as.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Trust me, I have heard truck loads of dumb shit and the winner is the Gay Agenda is R****a’s propaganda to weaken the integrity of North America. Considering what is happening over there, it was enragingly stupid.

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

I feel like I can be myself around lgbt+ people. I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff or put on a show, and I’m not afraid because it’s familiar territory.

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

Aside from obvious problems like TERFs, ace discourse. Ace people are part of the community if they want to be and that’s enough on that, my skin is already breaking out.

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I finally went to a Pride event this year! I was surprised it was the first one I’d been to, then remembered my parents discouraged me from going anywhere, never mind to a gay where.

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I can’t think of many people right now, but Leslie Feinberg seems awesome, and some quotes from Stone Butch Blues are very validating.

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

No. Technically I have been in one, but it was shitty and ridiculous, and basically platonic, and I don’t want it to count.

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

I barely read… I read Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe in high school and it was honestly so precious.

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

Yes. I got kicked out (but then kicked back in again), had my stuff stolen and damaged, was verbally harassed… and I was indirectly fired by an employer, but We Will Never Know Why...

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

Queer Eye! I don’t know of many though, and some important ones, I just haven’t watched.

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

My mutuals :D

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I’m okay calling myself queer.

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but I did see some drag performances at the one (1) Pride event I went to, and they were jaw-dropping.

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

I’m not sure what this question means, but I decide what fits right by what makes me feel the most alive and emotionally real and in the moment. What makes me feel the most attractive to be honest. There’s a post about dysphoria I saw going around, the things on it are basically what I use to figure things out.

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I am actually! Not anytime soon, but I’m the responsible type for sure, and judging by the way I love growing plants and being around animals, I’m probably a nurturing person. I actually like kids too, lol, they’re just so high-energy.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You’re a boy. Go!

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I think people are going to have different ways of expressing themselves that make them happy, but… I don’t think they should infringe on basic human decency. When I hear “role” I think of acting a certain way because someone told you to, something I want to disagree with on the spot.

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

People move out of my way on the sidewalk and take me seriously now. Privilege or self-confidence… I never want to forget what it used to be like, or get too entitled.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

That it’s simply living one’s reality. I think that trips up a lot of straight people -- that some people just come like this, and they don’t have to make it fit into their personal identity.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?

Because I worked hard to be alive and happy right now. I’m proud of choosing to get through those rough patches, take care of myself, heal, take walks, cook breakfast, learn healthy coping mechanisms, that was out of love for myself and a defiant conviction that I have a place in this world.

#chatty tag

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