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jimintomystery · 1 year

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Byakuya headcanons

[Above: When you tell them to stop being poor but they keep doing it anyway]

Took me a while to warm up to this twerp. Then again, I have some experience with finding the charm in smug aristocrats in unlikely found family situations...

This is kind of an easy one, but I like to think Byakuya has more affection for his surviving classmates than he cares to admit. They all know that, to one degree or another. So they put up with him treating them like lowly employees, and he puts up with them treating him like an equal.

Byakua spends a good chunk of Trigger Happy Havoc biding his time, waiting for the right moment to "win" the Killing Game with the perfect murder. The fourth trial changes his mind, and after that everyone pretty much lets bygones be bygones. But Byakuya's never forgotten what he intended to do, or how thoroughly he planned it. The closer he gets to the others, the more it haunts him, and he doesn't talk about it.

I don't have any specific ideas about what sort of murder Byakuya was planning. But when I watched chapter five I became certain he was the killer, until the twists at the end. The timeframe of the murder largely depends on Toko's testimony, and it conveniently forces Makoto and Kyoko to break each other's alibis rather than work together towards a common goal. So I'd imagine Byakuya's perfect crime would look something like that.

I'm a big fan of the way Dan Avidan voiced Byakuya in the Game Grumps play-through. Nothing against the actual official voice actors for the character, of course. But after he gets the hang of it, Dan does this low, almost growly thing that adds so much seething contempt to the dialogue. For me it's the missing piece that elevates the character from Draco Malfoy to Baron Zemo.

Upon escaping the Killing Game, Byakuya thinks he's the leader of the gang. He is not. It's just easier to let him believe that nobody else can make a decision without his approval. What keeps this dork squad running smoothly is that he's not a complete tyrant, since he respects Makoto and Kyoko for their insight.

Byakuya is sharp enough to pick up on Makoto and Kyoko's feelings for one another, arguably before either of them do. On the other hand, he doesn't actually expect them to act on those feelings. (Byakuya does not read my fanfiction.) From his point of view, it'd be like if his gardener made a pass at his attorney--it'd never work out, and he wouldn't want either of them to get hurt, and more importantly it would reduce their usefulness to him personally.

It's hard for me to get a bead on Byakuya's relationship with Hina or Hiro, beyond the fact that they're all in the larger group. The lazy approach would be that they're not close to each other but they all have Makoto in common. But to me the interesting thing about this found family is the idea that everybody has a special attachment to everybody else, even if we only see them being rude to each other. So I choose to believe Byakuya has a unique bond to Hiro and to Hina, and I just have to keep digging to identify it.

Along those lines, I want to believe Byakuya cares--at least a little--for Toko. Don't get me wrong--he obviously despises the way she moons over him in front of everybody. And I'm hardly convinced he reciprocates her romantic feelings. However, Toko is a masochist that takes every compliment as an attack, and Byakuya is very observant. If he wanted to be nice to her, he'd treat her exactly the way he does treat her, and nobody would know the difference. (Well, Kyoko could figure it out, but I'm not sure she'd give a shit.)

I am intrigued by the fact Byakuya's family is part of some secret cabal that controls (controlled?) the world, which gives him access to a library full of secret knowledge he reads for fun. Kind of like when I read Time Life's Mysteries of the Unknown. I think he should have a peculiar interest in Atlantis or something goofy like that. Hmm, maybe that's how he bonds with Hiro...

I like the idea of the survivors going underground immediately after THH, and getting by on their own for a while before the Future Foundation locates them. To that end, I imagine them leaning on Byakuya's Illuminati-type shit. Like, his family had some secret underground bunker set up for the end of the world, so we might as well see if it's still intact. I also wonder if the troops he led in Danganronpa 3 were assigned to him within the Future Foundation or his own private army from his connections to the cabal.

Obviously a lot of these are still pretty half-baked. Maybe if all goes well I'll find ways to refine them...

#danganronpa #danganronpa 1 #danganronpa thh #byakuya togami #dork squad headcanons

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onebizarrekai · 3 years

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undeniable proof that shuichi and kokichi were gay in v3

prepare yourself for the most big brain thing that has ever bigged your brain

chapter 1

shuichi saihara spends this chapter following kaede around because they were just trapped in a godforsaken killing game and everything seems to suck. when faced with a situation such as this, the natural inclination is to either find someone to latch onto or to distrust and stick to oneself. shuichi does the former because he is a twiggy little man who would probably die in a fight before anyone even attacked him.

what is kokichi doing in this chapter? sticking to himself? stalking someone? that is the real question. nobody knows what he is doing because he is not the protagonist and not the obligatory party companion. however, since v3 follows a theme of fiction, it is totally logical to believe that some system must be in place, but kokichi is not bound by such a system because kokichi represents anarchy.

he does not stick with another for all to see, nor does he remain alone. alas, he searches for a secret companion and has not found one yet. who shall he find? shall he find any? the truth is, he gravitates towards shuichi. it’s supposed to be in secret, but there is a way in the game to see what really happened.

if you speak to tsumugi right before everyone is asked to gather at the cafeteria a second time, she mentions sonic the hedgehog. kokichi runs by, saying “got to go fast”. this means that kokichi has either played sonic the hedgehog or is at least well-versed in sonic memes. if you get this dialogue, and only if you get it, later, kokichi makes another sonic reference, saying “faker? I think you’re the fake hedgehog around here!” while he confuses everyone, the dialogue makes the odd choice of stopping on shuichi, even though the dialogue box only includes “…” and nothing else.

chapter 2

if you have unlocked tsumugi’s sonic dialogue and go to the monomono machine, you now have a 5% chance of getting sonic merchandise. if you give this merchandise to kokichi, you get some interesting dialogue. he says “wow, shuichi! how did you know that I grew up playing sonic and that it’s my absolute favorite video game series of all time?” this immediately maxes out all 5 of his friendship fragments, and you can get all 5 of his hangouts without giving him any more presents. you’re probably wondering why this is important, but you will see.

as kaede is now dead, shuichi finds himself horribly alone. while kaito is there and starts calling him his sidekick, the force of protagonist syndrome has caused shuichi to gain the courage to hang out with anyone, including kokichi of course. I don’t need to talk about kokichi’s hangouts. they literally end with “I stole your heart, so now I’m satisfied!” and it doesn’t get gayer than that.

or does it?

if you investigate the bathroom part of ryoma’s lab during this chapter and click on a very specific spot in order to enter one of the stalls, you can click on the toilet 5 times and shuichi will lie down on the floor. while it’s to investigate the underside of the toilet, and there is nothing to be found, the words “kokichi was here” are written on the ceiling above the stall. if you’ve already hung out with kokichi at least once in this chapter, shuichi will sigh and wonder what kokichi is doing right now.

if you’ve given kokichi the sonic merchandise, and you reach kokichi’s final free time event in this chapter, he will actually question shuichi after he finishes bandaging kokichi’s finger up, briefly commenting on how shuichi managed to get close to him so quickly and asking him “what his trick is”. he says “you must like me a whole lot, shuichi. I hope you don’t bail on me after this.” word for word, literally just hear me out.

“kokichi places his warm hand on mine, and I feel like he’s prying much deeper than he usually does.”

“I didn’t think that was possible…”

chapter 3

little did you know, giving kokichi the sonic merchandise unlocked a bonus hangout. yes, you heard me right. a WHOLE bonus hangout. you can hang out with him again whenever you want in this chapter. kokichi only says “good to see you.” you can select yes or no.

the screen will fade to black.

you have used up a free time.

if you have reached this hidden part of kokichi’s relationship sequence, random dialogue that isn’t in the normal game starts getting sprinkled in, as well as certain easter eggs. when angie starts her whole shtick, since you’ve already hung out with kokichi 5 times, there are a few things he has to say straight up, like how he’s going to teach shuichi about cults so shuichi doesn’t accidentally join the student council.

chapter 4

now that you’ve finally reached chapter 4 and activated the secret kokichi pathway, you get a hidden scene, much like the others that are triggered by having specific items in your inventory. in the middle of the night, kokichi breaks into shuichi’s room and shakes him awake, telling him that someone stole his almond milk.

shuichi tells kokichi to shut up and rolls over.

fun fact, if you get the hangout with miu where she checks whether shuichi is a virgin, she does, in fact, say “ha, I can’t believe this!” and if you zoom in the window behind her, you can barely make out kokichi’s face. peering in. watching you. if you click on him at any point during this hangout, you will hear a voice clip of kokichi’s laugh and shuichi will internally respond to miu’s dialogue differently. he will think “miu is the last person I need to know about this…”

in this sonic dialogue route, shuichi responds slightly differently to kokichi revealing that he is the mastermind. although his dialogue is mostly the same, he counts approximately 22 extra crying sprites, implied to be caused by additional heartbreak.

chapter 5-6

these chapters play out mostly the same way until the very end, the only exception being when you’re investigating kokichi’s lab. if you click on kokichi’s throne 13 times, one of the bookshelves will slide out of the way to reveal a hidden bathroom. there is an envelope taped to the wall that says “for my beloved detective, who habitually smacks things over and over.” it says “if you’re reading this, I’m probably dead. or am I? wouldn’t you like to know? nishishi.” shuichi comments about the fact that kokichi literally wrote that stupid laugh out, only to start crying again.

make sure that you have kind lie equipped as one of your skills before you start the final trial.

if you’ve done everything exactly according to plan up to this point, the ending is different.

tsumugi decides to show kokichi’s audition tape instead of kaede’s. he says “I’d love to be a part of danganronpa! I can finally be a bad guy without being scared!” but then kokichi looks directly at the camera. he says “naw, just messing with you. guess who?”

the screen cracks.

kokichi has suddenly entered the scene of the trial. tsumugi looks horrified. her wig falls off. everyone is at a loss for words. suddenly the screens and lights around them start to black out until everyone is left in almost complete darkness.

shuichi finally asks kokichi how he’s alive. he’s like, “you DIED” and kokichi is like “or did I? it’s the grand finale, shuichi! I owe you the truth this one time, because you’re my favorite.” everyone listens intently. “you see, by observing your irrational actions, almost like that of a main character… I was able to conclude that we exist in a fictional world that plays by certain rules. but we all been knew, didn’t we? not quite! someone forgot to test for exploits.” himiko just goes like “what the fuck you smokin?” and kokichi just laughs. “my self awareness has given me more power than you can possibly imagine! let’s just say I learned where the hit boxes are broken and installed a few cheat codes in the meantime!”

“no… that’s impossible! this isn’t supposed to be part of the ending at all!” tsumugi doesn’t like that one bit. she just kinda breaks down crying. shuichi isn’t paying attention to her though. he had accepted oblivion only to be greeted with kokichi being alive. as annoying as kokichi is, they are hopelessly in love. maki is a little disturbed.

after passionately reuniting with shuichi, kokichi says the thing. “this world is mine now, tsumugi! you got nothin on this! it’s time to say goodbye to this trash dump and create a new reality!” tsumugi just kinda goes like “noooo!!!”

everything goes black. shuichi has a vision about entering creative mode. kokichi has opped him. they take hands. “let’s create someplace way more fun.” maki and himiko and keebo look at each other because they’re floating in the background and watching this happen even though it’s supposed to be an internal vision. the screen goes white.

shuichi graces us with some internal protagonist dialogue about how he doesn’t really understand what’s happening anymore or what’s waiting for them outside of this world, but he thinks that things might turn out ok.

after unlocking this ending, you unlock a super secret video that you can view from the main menu. it’s a fully animated video of kokichi and dice dancing to world is mine. this is what they spent all their budget on

#april fools #saiouma #oumasai #ndrv3 #shitpost #I spent like 3 hours writing this #drv3 spoilers #random stuff #shuichi saihara #kokichi ouma

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ripperdaddy · 3 years

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the viktor vector romance path + ending we deserve

Disclaimer: This is definitely something I came up with in my head. There will be a few instances that are solely made up so it can tie in with the “story.” This is purely fictional; something I wished happened if there was a possible Vik romance 🥰 This is based on my general knowledge of the game & Vik’s life. All gifs + images are from my own personal play through, but wouldn’t be possible without the help of the Appearance Menu Mod, found on Nexus Mods by the creators, MaximiliumM and CtrlAltDaz. And the shirtless Vik mod by the lovely samsnak ♡

It would start after completing the Paid In Full quest where you pay Vik back the eddies you owe him.

I feel like realistically, the general player would have to be at least halfway through the story to have collected enough eddies. I would say that a good point in the story where we can begin the romance is that you’ve already established a connection to Alt and have dealt with the VDB’s.

I think it would be a short side quest like River’s. Vik already plays a big part in the story overall on his own, so I don’t think it’s necessary to make his “side quest” too long. His romance would just be an addition to the ending.

And as much as I would love for him to be a bisexual option for both male/female V, if we’re sticking with the game’s standard with limiting partners to only one kind of partner, he would only be romance-able by a female V with a feminine voice.

V: Finally scrounged up enough eddies to pay you back in full.

Vik: Hold on to ‘em just in case - you need ‘em more than me.

V: I’m not taking them all the way to my grave, Vik. Here. And.. thanks again for doing so much work on me ‘thout ever seein’ an enny.

Vik: That’s what friends are for.

Then, there is an additional option for dialogue to trigger the romance path.

V: Friends? I think you’ve been in and out of my body more than anyone else I’ve hooked up with in Night City.

He laughs, with a coy smile. “Well, can’t argue with you there. Why don’t we take some of these eddies and grab a drink. You know, to celebrate. Catch up on old times. Haven’t seen you round here much lately, kid.”

You agree to meet at the El Coyote Cojo tomorrow evening.

You meet around 9 PM and you are welcomed by the sight of Pepe and Vik at the bar.

V: Nice choice of venue.

Vik: Thought you’d like it. Haven't been here since.. well, you know.

V: I miss him, Vik.

Vik: I know, V. Me too.

You immediately take a seat and tinker with a few dialogue options, where you can either have a sweet moment talking about Jackie or some surface questions to ask, like how he’s doing, what kind of drink he likes, etc. But it all winds down to Jackie anyway, where Vik confides in you about his past. Judging by how Vik was so affected by Jackie’s death, and V’s (if you chose the suicide ending), you can tell that he has lost a lot in his life, and keeps his circle very small.

You then achieve an even closer, more personal relationship with him. But, ultimately nothing happens other than the usual, wait 24 hours in game for a text/phone call from Vik to head into the next stage. At least now, you have established the foundation for a future romance.

Halfway through the 24 hour period, you get a text from Vik thanking you for the lovely evening. No reply needed, as he calls you once the 24 hour mark hits and invites you out for another date.

You meet at Tom’s Diner for coffee in the afternoon. It starts off with him apologizing for being emotional the previous night and asks if you’re open to hanging out again and going down to Pacifica to watch a fight with him.

Vik: Hey, V. I just wanted to apologize about last night. I didn’t mean to be such a downer.

V: It’s okay, Vik. We share the same grief.

Vik: I was going to head down to Pacifica and catch a real good match later on today. I was wondering if you’d like to come along, think it’d be great for the both of us, you know, as a distraction.

pssst even Johnny’s rooting for y’all ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Johnny: Hmm, interesting.

V: What?

Johnny: Never thought you'd be going out with this guy.

V: Vik's amazing. And I mean--we basically owe it to him since he practically saved our life.

Johnny: Don't tell me you're going out with him out of pity.

V: I'm not.

Johnny: I know, I can feel you get all mushy-gushy. It's almost repulsive. Just wanted to hear you admit it.

V: Eat a dick, Johnny.

You arrive before the GIM and blend into the crowd.

V: Nothin’ like watching guys beat the shit out of each other to get your blood pumpin’, huh?

Vik: This is a real good matchup, V. This kid’s fresh, young talent.

V: You miss it, don’t you?

Before the fight begins, Vik shares a story about his time in the ring and coming in second in the Watson Boxing Grand Prix.

There’s some extra fun options in the dialogue, you can bet some eddies on who’s gonna win, or side with him. The fight ends, and you two head outside.

Since you’re already out in Pacifica, you head over to the boardwalk (where you would ride the roller coaster with Johnny) and he starts telling you about the last days of his boxing career and how he transitioned from the sport to being a ripperdoc.

You both share a sweet moment with each other, reminiscing about old times and talking about V’s future with the relic. This is where I would see Vik confessing how he feels about you, mentioning how grateful he is for Jackie introducing you to him.

The evening ends and Vik asks you to give him some time to try and dig up some footage from his storage and have you come over to watch. You can kiss him then wait another 24 in game hours before the last quest. Halfway through, he texts you and asks you what you’d like for dinner. You can opt for pizza or chinese.

I haven’t seen or read anything about how or where Vik lives. If I overlooked something, please let me know! But for the sake of the story, let’s say he does actually have his own place that’s now introduced in the game. Personally, I think he has a typical bachelor pad, like a really nice apartment. Not too far from his clinic either. He looks like he would just walk to work. Vik definitely has a lot of money, but he’s so humble I doubt he would choose to live lavishly. As mentioned in the beginning, he typically just “sleeps nights” ever since he was over “being a legend” so I’m guessing his lifestyle is very routine. He goes to work, goes home, sleep. Seems unlikely he has a place like the Peralez’s. It would probably be just the same as V’s but decorated to his taste.

The evening comes and you are over at his place. He’s dressed in just a white undershirt, no exo-glove. You get to know more about his family, how he grew up — scanning things around his place. Then he plays some footage of one of his fights for you, while you two have a conversation and share a beer. As you two sit on the couch, you get close, then have an opportunity to kiss him.

then this is where da sex happen hihihi (ノ・ω・)ノ

The next morning you wake up and you two have a heartfelt conversation about where this is going. He already knows your situation, so I would assume he is very accepting and supportive. And with Vik, he seems like the kind of guy who would still want to be in your life and keep the friendship the same way despite no longer being together romantically. So it’s official. He’s your man 🥵 !!11!1!

Like how River gives you the “fuck the police” tank top after sleeping with him, I think Vik would give you his Night City Devils t-shirt that provides you with a significant amount of armor or some kind of cyberware upgrade that makes you invulnerable for a brief moment while using your hands to fight enemies.

Note: I was thinking of Vik giving V his boxing glove necklace, but because it's part of his character's appearance in the game, I don't think we would be able to essentially "take it" from him - unless he gives you a replica as a keepsake. Which I think would also work.

If you successfully romance, during the rooftop scene near the end of Nocturne OP55N1 (despite Vik’s disposition of him telling you to take matters in your own hands and being a little closed off), you still have an option to reach out to him when Johnny advises you to call a loved one.

V: Hey, Vik. I just wanted to say, thanks for hanging with me, until the end.

Vik: Quit talking like it is, V. Just do what you need to do.

V: I mean, think of it. It’s like I’m heading into the last round of this whole thing.

Vik: Well, in that case.. remember—keep your hands up, guarded at all times. It ain’t over just yet.

V: Heh.. I can feel it, just a few more punches.

Vik: Now look at you - the new welterweight champ of Night City.

V: Thanks, coach.

Vik: Last piece of advice from the coach's corner. Just.. be careful, kid. Remember, I’m with you.

Okayyyy, soooo I’m not the biggest fan of how CDPR gave us two of the same endings (Path of Glory). The only difference is that Rogue’s life is spared. I would have assumed that not only would we get to keep Rogue around, things should have played a bit more differently for V if we took the route of going solo against the corpos. So let’s tweak it.

This specific ending; it should be after getting through Don’t Fear The Reaper where you single-handedly manage to rip through Arasaka by yourself. Johnny goes back to Alt & Rogue is still alive. Yes nobody dies!!!

(honestly this ending can apply to any love interest you choose)

Vik and V are now living together in a lavish penthouse, entertaining an upcoming merc to do their work for them (which is now the current POV of the player.) You were recruited by Rogue at the Afterlife, who told you to visit this couple for a real, preem job.

They give you some vague details about the gig and go on for a brief moment about what you will be doing and what you should expect. Vik emphasizes to you that it’s important you get what they need because it’s for his wife, V, as her life depends on it.

As Never Gonna Fade Away is playing in the background, they tell you to break into Arasaka HQ.

Then the game officially ends.

#cyberpunk 2077 #viktor vector #v/vik #let us romance the ripperdoc you cowards

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jbbarnesnnoble · 3 years

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JBBarnesNNoble's 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Challenge 2021

Hello lovely people! And welcome to the 2nd Annual Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge. The aim of this challenge is to shine a light on mental health, medical conditions, and the things that can have impacts on us. This started out initially being a PCOS Awareness challenge last year but through conversations with other writers over Discord, it evolved into a Mental Health Awareness Month Writing Challenge last year. I’m reusing some of the unused prompts from last year’s challenge and adding in some new ones!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. The goal of this challenge is to lift each other up, and show that it’s okay not to be okay. Spread some love and light during a challenging time in the world to those who struggle with chronic illness, depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, grief, PCOS, acceptance from their families and communities for being LGBT+, and anyone struggling with insecurity.

This challenge will run through July 31st, 2021. It will run through Mental Health Awareness Month, Pride Month, and the month of July to give people time to write. You can submit it at any time. I probably have too many prompts, but I wanted to ensure that there was a wide array to choose from. Please don’t hesitate to message me if I haven’t interacted with your fic after a few days! Sometimes the tag system doesn’t work and I miss things!

The Rules:

1. Utilize resources available online if you’re dealing with subject matter you’re not that familiar with. I’m not going to go all “cite sources” on y’all, but please do make sure to do your research. Writing about some of these issues can be hard if you don’t have first hand knowledge of how it can affect you. The goal of this challenge is to write about topics that we tend to shy away from, that many of us struggle with, from mental health struggles to chronic illnesses to low-self esteem. A gentle reminder that if you think writing about a subject will be triggering for you, please look after yourself first.

2. Use #JBBNNMHAM21 to tag your fic

3. Dark!Fic- Due to the subject matter involved in this challenge, please don’t submit dark!fic. I enjoy dark fics, but this challenge isn’t the place for them.

4. Smut- Smut is welcome! Make sure you tag it appropriately.

5. No inc*st, dubcon/noncon, underage, etc

6. Ships- I prefer reader inserts, but show me what ya got.

7. NO JOHN WALKER FICS. Please. Please no. I beg of you.

8. Selecting Prompts: Just let me know which one you want to do! 2 people per prompt! The song prompts have a line from them under it. You DO NOT need to use the line in your submission! It’s mostly to help you decide if you’re interested in a song before you take a listen to it.

You also can alter the sentence and dialogue prompts as needed for grammar, be it altering the pronouns used or changing the pluralization of a word.

9. Trigger Warnings: Use warnings as needed. Fics dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or other mental health issues should be tagged appropriately to ensure that readers that may be triggered by the subject matter can avoid the fic. Trigger warnings are non-negotiable

The prompts are under the cut!

Prompts:

Dialogue Prompts:

“I feel like if I let go, if I move on, I’ll only be proving them right.”

“I don’t know. Am I? Because from where I’m standing it’s pretty damn clear that’s how you see me.”

“You don’t believe that do you? Tell me you don’t. Please.”

“It’d probably be easier if you left”

“Please leave me alone”

“Everyone’s got broken pieces. Some have more, some have less. It doesn’t make you less of a person to have those broken pieces.” @nekoannie-chan

“If it’s okay with you, I’ll take that shake now.”

“What’s the point if I’m going to end up breaking that promise too?”

“You sure about that, moonman?”

“It made you smile though. And that will always be a win in my book.”

“That’s not true. And I will tell you that every day of your life until you believe me.”

Sentence Prompts:

Feel free to adjust the pronouns as needed

It was a day. It was the only way it could be described.

Summer had a smell that reminded her of innocence and a time long since past.

In that moment, the world stopped spinning on its axis as it all shattered down around her.

Some things, there would never be a way to understand. @justrunamok

Like shattered glass, in that moment the illusion was broken.

Forever was a lie, just like everything else.

If you had another condescending doctor tell you your problem wasn’t a problem you were going to scream.

They’d say it was easy, like riding a bike. Except, you never learned how to ride a bike in the first place.

Today was going to be good. It had to be.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that this was going south.

AU and Trope Prompts:

Soulmate @samsgoddess

College

Childhood Friends @tellmealovestory

Friends to Lovers

Enemies to Lovers

Musicians

Writer

Professional Athlete

Teacher

Coffee Shop

Fake Dating

Accidental Marriage

Royal

Librarian

Doctor

Song Prompts:

1. Nobody Ever Told You - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “Wish you could see yourself the way I do. Nobody ever told you, nobody ever told you. Shine like a diamond, glitter like gold, and you need to know what nobody ever told you”

2. Missing You - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “And if you need a friend, I’ll help you stitch up your wounds. I heard that you’ve been, having some trouble finding your place in the world. I know how much that hurts. But if you need a friend, then please just say the word.”

3. Barefoot and Bruised - Jamestown Story

Lyric Snippet: “Maybe when your sky comes crashing down, I can be your angel on the ground. If you get tired and can’t go on, I will carry you along, when the rocks below your feet wear out your shoes, when you’re barefoot and bruised”

4. Hold On Till May- Pierce the Veil

Lyric Snippet: “If were you, I’d put that away. See you’re just wasted and thinking about the past again. Darling, you’ll be okay.”

5. If I Surrender - Citizen Soldier

Lyric Snippet: “If I surrender, surrender, to the monsters in me, will it set me free?”

6. Home - Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors, Beba Rexha

Lyric Snippet: “All these miles, feet, inches, they can’t add up to the distance that I have been through just to get to a place where even if there’s no closure I’m still safe. I still ache from trying to keep pace. Somebody give me a sign, I’m starting to lose faith”

7. Broken Arrows - Daughtry

Lyric Snippet: “The best of intentions I lay at your feet. And I need you to see past the worst part of me.”

8. Used - Serious Matters

Lyric Snippet: “The wounds are gone and the pain still lingers. But this time I won’t stand by, I don’t need you in my life”

9. According to You - Orianthi

Lyric Snippet: “According to you, I’m stupid, I’m useless, I can’t do anything right”

10. Let It Land - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And everything we hate is something we just bought along the line”

11. Cold As You - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “You put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey. And I stood there loving you and wished them all away. And you come away with a great little story, of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you”

12. Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift

Lyric Snippet: “Hold on, baby you’re losing it. The water’s high, you’re jumping into it, and letting go, and no one knows. That you cry but you don’t tell anyone that you might not be the golden one. And you’re tied together with a smile, but you’re coming undone.”

13. Human Interaction - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “I don’t know love. I don’t know hate. I am numb. Wish I could find the words to say. Asking please, as colors fade. I need to breathe. Before I turn the world to grey.”

14. Therapy - All Time Low

Lyric Snippet: “Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty, but I’m smiling at everything. Therapy you were never a friend to me, and you can keep all your misery”

15. Scars - Alison Iraheta

Lyric Snippet: “Do you know how hard I’ve tried to become what you want me to be. Take me, this is all that I’ve got, this is all that I’m not, all that I’ll ever be. I got flaws, I got faults, keep searching for your perfect heart. It doesn’t matter who you are, we’ve all got our scars”

16. Hurts to Know - 1551

Lyric Snippet: “I can’t remember what I did to earn you by my side. I can’t surrender. I’ll fight as long as you’re in my life”

17. Spinning Bottles - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “He’s in a hotel room, with the tv on. Getting lost in the static with the curtains drawn, knowing this could be the time that gets her gone for good, he’d quit if he could. But one down, two down, three down, four, can’t even recognize the man in the mirror anymore”

18. Praying - Kesha

Lyric Snippet: “Well you were wrong and now the best is yet to come. ‘Cause I can make it on my own. And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known.”

19. Jersey On the Wall (I’m Just Asking) - Tenille Townes

Lyric Snippet: “If I ever get to heaven, you know I got a long list of questions. Like how do you make a snowflake, are you angry when the earth quakes? How does the sky change in a minutes, how do you keep this big rock spinning? Why can’t you stop a car from crashing? Forgive me, I’m just asking”

20. Five More Minutes - Scotty McCreery

Lyric Snippet: “Time rolls by, the clock don’t stop. I wish I had a few more drops of the good stuff, the good times. Oh, but they just keep on flying right on by like it ain’t nothing, wish I had me a, a pause button. Moments like those, Lord knows I’d hit it. Give myself five more minutes”

21. Dad’s Old Number - Cole Swindell

Lyric Snippet: “Sometimes I forget, these ten digits ain’t my lifeline anymore. Every now and then I dial them up when life gets tough or when the Braves score. Sorry about the one ring hang ups, early morning and late night wake ups. It was just me. In case you wondered, you’ve got dad’s old number.”

22. The Other Side - Lauren Alaina

Lyric Snippet: “There’s gonna be a lot of sadness on a lot of happy days, I’ll try to think of this moment, this place”

23. I Was Here - Beyonce

Lyric Snippet: “So they won’t forget I was here. I lived. I loved. I was here. I did, I’ve done, everything that I wanted and it was more than I thought it would be. I will leave my mark so everyone will know I was here.”

24. Gone Too Soon - Simple Plan

Lyric Snippet: “Like a shooting star, flying across the room. So fast, so far, you were gone too soon. You’re a part of me. And I’ll never be the same here without you. You were gone too soon.”

25. Amelia - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And you will always be perfect, you’ll always be beautiful, our hearts, will never forget you. You didn’t belong here, and it’s become so clear why heaven called your name.”

26. Heaven Right Now - Thomas Rhett

Lyric Snippet: “When the whole crew gets together, memory lane goes on forever. We twist a top and pour a little Jack D out.”

#JBBNNMHAM21 #writing challenge #marvel fanfic

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paulfwesley · 4 years

Text

A Split Second (Part 1) [Bryce Lahela x f!MC]

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x f!MC (Dr. Claire King).

Chapter Rating: T

Word Count: 2.2K.

Description: A split second. That’s all it takes to take a life. TW: guns, violence, blood.

Disclaimer: Characters, storyline, and parts of the dialogue are taken from Pixelberry’s Choices’ Open Heart. They fully own the characters, dialogue, backgrounds, etc. MC Claire King’s background is my own creation, based off of MC in-game’s personality.

Author’s Note: OKAY this is my first time EVER doing Bryce, and even though he technically does not show up in this part, he WILL be in the next part. I’m posting this fic in increments just to feel out the reaction first, if it’s something worth pursuing. I’ve added some trigger warnings just in case, they’re in the description! They’re applicable to the whole series, however many parts this ends up being, I don’t actually know yet. Okay, I’ve gone on too long. Let me know how I did! Also let me know if you’d like to be added or removed from the tag list!

Tagging: @n-wahz @anotherbeingsworld @graphitekayla @malxen @rookiefromedenbrook

Enjoy!

As a doctor, Claire King stared death in the face every day. It was her job to delay the inevitable, after all. Every chest compression, every dose of medication, and every correct diagnosis resulted in Claire’s tally against Death inching higher and higher. But of course, there were always a few cases where even Claire couldn’t beat the Grim Reaper. And she’d walk out of the room of the grieving family with a fire stewing in her belly that drove her to want to do better so that the next time she and death met in the arena, she’d knock him out cold.

Claire knew death. Claire understood death. She woke up every morning with a determination that she would stare death in the face and celebrate when she triumphed over it.

But she didn’t fully understand what it meant to stare death in the face until she stood with her hands in the air, tears streaking down her pale cheeks, and her body shaking like a leaf as she stared at the end of a gun poised in her face.

30 minutes earlier…

Claire thought she would had it all figured out. Ethan ditched her to hang out in the Amazon for two months (though Sienna insisted that technically Ethan went to go help out with WHO, but Claire wasn’t in the mood to change her mind about her… ex? Her attending? The dude she slept with twice before he decided he didn’t like having to deal with feelings before buggering off?) so she was going to erase everything that had to do with Ethan Ramsey from her mind. That included only ever referring to him as “Doctor Ramsey”, whilst ignoring the way she missed the way his name tasted on her tongue when she was moaning it. It included putting a smile on her face and reassuring everyone who noticed her drop in mood in the days following when she showed up to work one day to find out that Ethan had left without so much as a goodbye, even though a bottle of pent up sorrow threatened to burst whenever she curled her lips up. And it included forcing herself out of the apartment when her friends wanted to go out while all she wanted to do was lay in bed and wallow in her own sadness.

It was actually Bryce who started it. He could tell something was off with her, but luckily Bryce didn’t pry. The only people who knew why Claire was acting heartsick were Sienna and Elijah, and even then, it was because they were there the morning she snuck Ethan out of the apartment. If it were up to her, nobody would know the mess she had gotten into by falling for her attending. Grey’s Anatomy gave her too much hope.

All Bryce wanted to know was what would make Claire happy. It started out simple; nights drinking at Donahue’s, roommate movie night, late night ice cream runs. Then it was Bryce attending plays with Claire, because none of their other friends would even humour her idea for live theatre. It was nice, even though most of the time, Bryce fell asleep shortly after the play began, only to wake up with intermission and then fall asleep again as soon as the house lights turned off. And then it was Claire attending a monster truck rally with Bryce because Elijah cancelled last minute, and even though she spent most of the evening thinking about the various dishes she could be cooking, it was worth it to watch Bryce freak out at the trucks crushing each other and then turning to her expectantly, waiting for her reaction. For his sake, she went as wild and crazy as he was. Standing there, staring up at Bryce and looking at the way the bright lights cast a shadow against his sharp, soft cheekbones, that was the first time she felt a turning in a stomach, a flutter that warmed her cold core. And when he turned and grinned at her, Claire felt like she had seen the sun for the first time.

Then, when the yearning to be touched and held and kissed became too much for Claire, it turned into stolen kisses, hand brushes, intimate nights. With every swipe of Bryce’s hand up and down her arm while her head rested in the crook of his shoulder, with every tear that rolled down her cheeks from the jokes he told her, with every moment spent just in Bryce’s presence, her heart hurt a little bit less. And less, and less, until she completely forgot that she was supposed to be hurting.

Then Ethan returned, unexpectedly, the night they were celebrating their last night as interns.

When Claire’s eyes met his across the bench outside Donahue’s, she expected her stomach to drop. She expected her throat to close up, her chest to tighten, her tears to threaten at the corner of her eyes. Instead, she offered him a polite smile and a small nod before returning to what Elijah was saying. That feeling was all she needed to know that she was officially over Ethan Ramsey. She could be happy with someone else. She even had a certain meat headed, smooth talking, scalpel jockey in mind.

Out of the corner of her eye she caught Bryce staring at her and following her gaze. When he looked back at her, she could practically see the curtain drop over his eyes, and it remained there for days following. Whenever she tried to talk to him, she always got the brush off. And it was killing her. She had gotten used to the the way his laughter lit up her world, the way his eyes raking over sent a thrill through her stomach, the way her heart skipped a beat whenever she turned a corner and hoped that he’d be on the other side. But nothing; these days he wouldn’t even look at her.

After finishing her own rounds, making sure Esme had her tasks, and ordering tests for another patient, Claire sighed as she trudged through the hospital. She cradled a heavy case file against her chest sent over from Manhattan Presbyterian that she planned to pore over during her lunch break. She felt a presence beside her, and she looked over to see Sienna falling into step next to her. Her hair was pinned to the top of her head in a messy bun and she looked utterly exhausted, but she offered Claire a bright smile anyways. “Are you on your way to lunch?”

“Yeah,” she answered.

“Cool! I’m starving,” Sienna replied. She nodded at the file in Claire’s arms. “Big, fancy, diagnostic team case?”

Claire laughed. “Yeah.” She glanced down at the papers. “I’m hoping that it’ll be something surgical. That way Bryce will have to talk to me.”

Sienna frowned. “Bryce isn’t talking to you?”

“You haven’t noticed the way he doesn’t look at me anymore?” Claire asked as they walked down the stairs, heading for the cafeteria. “I think it has to do with the fact that…” Claire looked around for prying ears but dropped her voice as a precaution anyways. “... Doctor Ramsey’s back.”

Sienna’s eyes widened. “You told him about Doctor Ramsey?”

“No!” Claire protested. “If it were up to me, that secret would die with Ramsey and me. But I think he can tell.” She raised a brow. “Could you tell? Before you caught me sneaking him out?”

Sienna bit her lip. “Do you want the truth?”

Claire stopped in her tracks. “You mean you knew? Before?”

“I suspected!” Sienna corrected quickly. She walked back over to where Claire had stopped. “I didn’t know anything for sure, but you did mention wanting something to happen between the two of you when you went to Miami. You didn’t tell me anything had happened so I assumed nothing did. But despite that, it was so obvious. The first name Doctor Ramsey ever learned was yours, he kept his mouth shut about what happened with Mrs. Martinez even though as an attending he probably had a legal obligation to tell Doctor Emery, and just the way you both never took your eyes off of each other whenever you shared a room.”

A blush brushed Claire’s cheeks. “Well, I don’t feel like that anymore.” She paused. “Well, I suppose I do, but now I feel like that whenever I see Bryce. And I want to tell him that, but the meathead runs away at the sight of me.”

They both resumed their walking. “I feel like straight up avoidance isn’t Bryce’s style though,” Sienna pointed out. She crossed her arms over her chest. “If you want, I can lock the two of you inside a supply closet until he gets his shit together.”

Claire chuckled. “That offer actually sounds tempting.”

All of a sudden, both of their pagers went off. Claire reached into her pocket and produced hers just as they reached the cafeteria. She frowned at the message that stared back at her before looking back up at Sienna. “Lockdown? Is this some kind of drill?”

“I think if it was, Doctor Banerjee would have said so,” Sienna replied casually. She was trying to pass it off like it was nothing, but Claire could see the worrying lines in her forehead. She reached out and grabbed Sienna’s arm. “How about we skip the cafeteria food and just grab something from the vending machine for now? We can hide out in a closet or something until this drill ends.”

“And you’re absolutely sure it’s a drill because?” Sienna asked, but she let Claire lead her away and down the hall.

“Because there’s no way we’re in a situation where Edenbrook has to go under lockdown,” she said. “I bet a baby went missing from the NICU or something.”

Sienna gawked. “That’s terrible!”

Claire stopped at a vending machine, turning her back to Sienna. “All the more reason to grab an unhealthy snack and wait this thing out.” She bent down and placed the file on the floor. As she stood back up, she reached into her pocket for her wallet. “What do you want? It’s on me.”

“Claire…” Sienna’s voice was a soft whisper.

“What?” Claire said, her eyes scanning the options. A Snickers bar? Nah. It wasn’t filling enough. A bag of chips? That was even worse. This was a hospital. They were doctors. They always went on about healthy eating yet never practiced what they preached.

“Claire!” Sienna said, louder this time, though the tremors in her voice betrayed the strength.

“What?” Claire’s tone dripped with annoyance as she turned to look at her friend, but the sight of Sienna’s face, drained of blood with her eyes wide and her lips parted with a slight tremble raised alarms. “Sienna? Sienna, what is it?”

Sienna didn’t say anything. She couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. But her eyes never wavered from the direction she was staring at over Claire’s shoulder.

Claire turned to see what Sienna was gaping at, and her stomach fell through the floor at the sight of the tall, middle-aged man standing six feet away from them. He wore a black blazer over a plain t-shirt flecked with bright red spots that Claire could only assume was fresh blood from the way it stained the pure white fabric. Blessed (or cursed, in her opinion) with an excellent memory, Claire never forgot a face once she had seen it. It was Walter Cameron, a patient she had treated weeks ago. He came in after he had been in a car accident that caused mild injuries, and Claire remembered joking easily with him as she pulled out glass from his body and stitching him up. Claire’s eyes traveled from his brown eyes, down his sweat soaked cheeks, down his leather clad arm, and landed on the pistol in his hand, aimed directly at Claire’s chest.

Her breath caught in her throat. The only sounds she could make out in the otherwise silent, empty hallway were Sienna’s faint whimpering behind her, Walter’s ragged breaths, and her own heart thumping against her chest.

She felt a shaky hand on her shoulder. “Claire, we need to get out of here!” Sienna whisper-shouted.

“No!” Walter boomed, taking a rather large step forward. He brandished the gun at them, waving it wildly as his finger rested on the trigger. Both girls let out an involuntary shrieks as they staggered backwards. “Doctor King isn’t going anywhere.” He turned the gun so the mouth was directed at Sienna. “You, on the other hand, will get out of here.” With a jerk of his thumb, he clicked the safety off. “If you know what’s good for you.”

Claire swallowed thickly. Despite the tremors in her throat, she said, “Sienna, go.”

She could feel Sienna’s eyes stare at her in bewilderment, but Claire never broke eye contact with Walter. “What? But Claire—!”

“Go!” Claire said again, stronger this time. She didn’t know Walter, not really, so she couldn’t guarantee whether or not he was crazy enough to take a shot at her or her friend, and Claire didn’t want to jeopardize anyone else’s life if there was a chance to save someone. Under her breath, her lips barely moving, she whispered, “Go find help.”

The echoing of a sneaker hitting linoleum reluctantly bounced against the walls. One, and then another, and then another, until the echoes got further and further as Sienna dashed down the hall in desperation.

Once she was out of sight, Claire returned her attention to Walter. Slowly, deliberately, she raised her hands so they were in his sight.

“Ahh, alone at last,” Walter sighed dreamily.

Claire sucked a worrying breath in. “Mr. Cameron—” she began.

“It’s Wally!” he cut her off angrily, but the heat in his eyes quickly disappeared in favour of turning soft as he gazed at Claire. “It’s Wally, remember, Doctor King? Like Wally West? Like you said?”

She nodded. “Yes, I remember.” She gulped noisily, her eyes zeroing in on the weapon in his hands. “What are you doing with the gun, Wally?”

He scoffed. “Isn’t it obvious?” He smiled at her, a wicked glint in his eye. “I’m going to kill you, Doctor King.”

#open heart #playchoices #bryce lahela x mc #bryce lahela #open heart fanfiction #open heart fanfic #bryce lahela x mc fanfiction #bryce lahela x mc fanfic #alinas fanfic #sienna trinh #don't let this flop lmfao #OH #choices: stories you play #TW: blood #TW: guns

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toxicpineapple · 4 years

Text

my (personal favourite) writings from 2019

I don’t have anything for January because I guess I didn’t write/didn’t post anything then? At any rate, here are my favourite writings from every month of 2019.

---

February:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17764769/chapters/41916899 : “To Give Life Meaning”, a 5+1 things Hinanami fic I wrote over the course of several days, mostly at night. The honourific situation with this one is messy and there are the beginnings of a lot of good lines? Like I know what I was trying to say. But it’s not the kind of thing that I would be happy posting nowadays. (Ignore the fact that it says it was completed in September of this year; I went through nine months later and separated the different sections into chapters so that it would be easier to read. I wrote and published all of it back in February.) This was the second Danganronpa fic I ever wrote.

Content warnings: Contains talk of suicide, and mentions of being suicidal. Generally in the past tense. Nobody is proactive in this fic.

---

March:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18232343 : “Hold his hand”, the very first Amasai one-shot I ever wrote. I got the idea for this one late at night thinking about how Shuichi would react if his mom died. I was actually going to write this with Ryoma comforting him, or Kiyo maybe, but I ended up doing Rantaro because I watched all of his FTEs with Shuichi and was like… I do like this green man. Anyway, I’m glad I did, because if I hadn’t I don’t know if the Amasai series would… even exist. That’s really weird to think about.

Content warnings: Minor character death on the part of Shuichi’s mother. The focus of the piece isn’t her dying (as it is in fact from Rantaro’s perspective) so much as it is the conflicting emotions that it stirs up for Shuichi, but it’s still, y’know, someone’s mother dying. Anyway, read with caution.

---

April:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18468478 : “Does it matter?”, a late-night fic where Aoi is conflicted about her sexuality and calls Makoto to talk about it. I wrote a lot of one-shots in April (I actually surprised myself going through them haha) but this one is my favourite because it touches on things that I don’t see addressed a lot. Makoto and Aoi are good friends. 10/10.

Content warnings: Internalised homophobia. It hasn’t triggered anybody that I know of because it’s mostly just Makoto giving advice and Aoi coming to the conclusion that she really likes Sakura in a not-so-platonic way, but y’know.

---

May:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18776947 : “Shuichi thinks too much”, another installment in the Amasai drabbles series, and… wow. I literally only posted Amasai in the month of May. This one is my favourite (of the ones I posted in May, obviously) because it’s the one where Shuichi realises that Rantaro is claustrophobic and then they have a messy first kiss in the wake of Rantaro’s panic attack. I like fics where Character A kisses Character B and B has to be like… slow down partner… ur panicking. I also just like milking Rantaro angst so it’s a win-win. I go back and read this one periodically :)

Content warnings: Panic attacks, claustrophobia. Shuichi is exhausted in this fic haha but at least he has his shit together enough to know exactly what he’s feeling through the whole thing.

---

June:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19210423 : “Quiet Moments”, an introspective drabble/character study in which Peko thinks about how much she loves Ibuki. Damn, I love Pekobuki. I haven’t written nearly enough for them. I wrote a lot of things in June (including an Undertale one-shot which was a strong contender for this spot just because this list is dominated by Danganronpa stuff) but this one is my favourite because it was just me… rambling about how much I love Ibuki… and projecting onto Peko. Which I do every time I write this pairing, but I didn’t make this list to call myself out, so yeah I’m just going to move on.

Content warnings: Peko briefly mentions that Fuyuhiko had to get an appendectomy within the piece, but it’s nothing intense.

---

July:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19974424 : “Take his soul with a kiss”, a Grim Reaper AU in which Maki is Death and Kaito is a guy with the audacity to tell her to wait a week before grabbing her soul. I’ve finally hit the part of this summer where I was eating one meal a day and spending the rest of my time on my laptop writing fic. 14k words a day, babey! I wrote all my favourite pieces in July (Shuichi’s love hotel, the one where Rantaro pierces Shuichi’s ears, the domestic Hinanami, the one where Shuichi has a breakdown and everyone comforts him, that one where Shuichi is mean to Kokichi and then apologises) but this one definitely deserves to be here because it’s my favourite. I like Momoharu/Kaimaki/Harukaito (idk what y’all call it man) so, uh. Yeah.

Content warnings: Death is talked about a lot but I don’t want to spoil anything about the ending by saying shit so I’ll just??? It’s a Grim Reaper AU, procede with caution. Oh, and Kaito has a lung disease.

---

August:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20442290/chapters/48499868 : “Causation and Correlation”, another 5+1 things fic (I have a good chunk of them) where Kyoko can hear death and so she goes around saving people. Also, in the end of the fic, someone saves her. It’s a cute fic and I love writing Kyoko so obviously this one is my favourite. (The one where Kokichi has parents and the Kaemugi fic I wrote that month are ones I really like too… this isn’t easy for me gamers ;w;) This is one of those fics where I was feeling extremely confident about my writing abilities the whole time I wrote it, and I’m still really proud of it.

Content warnings: Again, uh, death? Attempted murder, near-drowning, sickness, head injuries, and also attempted suicide. (Nobody dies in this fic, though.) Kyoko has her work cut out for her in this one.

---

September:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20577251 : “Cigarette smoke”, a vaguely nonsensical Saimota piece I wrote where Kaito breaks down and Shuichi comforts him. I’ve only written Saimota twice and both times it’s been Kaito angst because you guys, you just, you don’t address his sadness at all unless it’s in Oumota (and we all know how I feel about Oumota). I should start referring to September as “the month of angst fics I wrote in the middle of the night” because that’s exactly what all of it was. This one wasn’t a vent fic, but there were a lot of them. September is also the month I started doing Amami week, so there’s a lot of that, too.

Content warnings: Kaito really… berates himself in this one. His internal dialogue is hard for me to read in this one because he’s super hard on himself. He also has a meltdown and starts hyperventilating at one point (and the way I write breakdowns is always super descriptive) so please make sure you’re happy and healthy before reading.

---

October:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21195527 : “In the forever sense of the term”, what is probably my favourite Amasai fic at this moment, where Shuichi and Rantaro are forced to address Shuichi’s abandonment issues, and also there’s crying. A lot of it. From Shuichi mainly but a little bit from Rantaro too. I was surprised at how many fics I wrote in October because I was mostly focusing on Inktober I should think? I wrote a lot of original works in Inktober (though I ended up falling off the wagon at the end due to burnout) and it was a really fun experience! I think it strengthened my skills as a writer. Anyway this one is cathartic as hell.

Content warnings: The self loathing is strong with this one. It’s one of many mental breakdown fics that I’ve written this year. And there’s obviously the abandonment issues thing. Yikes.

---

November:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21399748 : “One hundred and twenty six tiles on the ceiling”, where Himiko ends up bailing on plans she made with everyone to hang out and instead stays at home, stewing in self deprecation, until Ryoma shows up, and then everyone else comes to take care of her. Another one of those ones where everyone is there for someone after a breakdown. I like this one because Himiko is my baby and most of the angst the fandom puts out for her is centered around Tenko and Angie, which sucks because I headcanon her as having depression. Like, depression that is entirely unrelated to the people she knows kind of depression. I didn’t write a lot in November because I had a relapse, but I like this one anyway.

Content warnings: Depressive episode, disassociating, suicidal ideation, all the ugly things that come with depression. This isn’t a pretty fic. I don’t write depression as something that’s pretty or poetic because it’s not. It fucking sucks and that’s just how things are going to be.

---

December:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21976864/chapters/52442179 : “An Ode to Yellow Carnations”, a 5+1 things fic where Tsumugi is a florist and Kaede takes different people to her shop until eventually she goes by herself. Is anyone surprised to see this one here? I wrote it for Tumblr’s Danganronpa Secret Santa Gift Exchange 2019 and went waaaay overboard with it. Which is probably why I like it so much. It took me ten days to actually complete, and I’ll frame it like I was diligently writing the whole time, but anyone who knows me knows that I never do things in that way. In truth I switched ideas for the fic four different times and then wrote half of it all in one night when I was hit with a surge of inspiration. I was really nervous that the person I wrote it for would hate it since it’s so long, lol. (Hi Alerane, I love you.) Anyway, I’m gonna think of December of this year as the month where I spent a really long time on a bunch of fics and then posted them all at once.

Content warnings: Very minor character death, mentions of alcohol use (nothing egregious, just recreational use on an outing with friends and all the characters are of age), also Kaede doesn’t go outside in this fic.

---

I’m going to try and get out one more fic before the year ends. To be honest I wasn’t expecting to have updated Search by now so I’ve been kind of sitting around wondering what I should write. Maybe I should just start on the Aki chapter, but I’m kind of putting that off because writing those chapters takes a lot of energy and Aki’s is probably going to double Tsubaki’s in length. (Which is great, since Tsubaki’s was already a monster of a chapter on its own.) I’ve had a really great year for writing, y’all. I’ve made lots of friends and learned a whole lot about myself, and my writing style, and the characters I’m trying to portray.

I didn’t include any long-term multi-chapters in this list, like The Best Lies or my Fanganronpa (rip… I swear I’ll pick it back up again soon, I love those characters) but if you want to track my progress as a writer without reading eleven different fics, I’d really recommend reading one of those, because you can see it happening as the chapters go on. There’s so much that I’d probably write differently from where I am now as a writer, because that’s just how things work. Life is like that. You do things a certain way in the moment, and then later, you wish you could’ve done them differently. It’s impossible to live your life without regrets, or things that you’d like to do over again.

But for what it’s worth, I’m really happy that I don’t have to. Thank you guys so much for sticking with me this year. It hasn’t been the best, but it’s been all that it’s been capable of being.

Here’s to a new decade.

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diyunho · 5 years

Text

The Joker x Reader - “40 and 13″

Overpopulation caused the governments all over the world to vote for a drastic resolution: a special virus was created that makes everyone die when they turn 40 years old. The Joker will turn 40 in five days and Y/N can't cope with the news since she'll be left behind without him.

You and The Joker just finished eating dinner in front of the TV, trying to ignore the depressing news that shows the death toll climbing each day since the virus killing everybody once they turn 40 was unleashed upon the overpopulated Earth 12 months ago.

The King of Gotham is quietly sipping on his grape juice, debating if he should tell you or not; he’s been struggling with the decision for a while and being the way he is doesn’t help the matter.

“Pumpkin,” he starts the conversation,” did I ever mention my birthday is on July 13th?”

“Hm?” you turn your head towards him, not sure you heard right; you had a huge fight this morning and barely managed to patch things up enough to tolerate each other’s presence by night fall.

“You always wanna know when my birthday is and I’m telling you now it’s on July 13th.”

He keeps on staring at the TV s, disregarding your gaze that seems to burn through him.

Why is he suddenly sharing such an intimate detail? You tried several times to get it out of him without any reaction besides that of him getting mad and emphasize it’s none of your business. Unless…

“J…” you hesitantly ask. “How old are you going to be?...”

The Joker takes another sip from the can before placing it on the coffee table and nonchalantly enunciates:

“Fourty.”

He hears you sniffle it’s not difficult to predict you’re going to burst into tears in a few seconds.

“I’m only saying this because I didn’t want to drop dead without any warning; I’m sure you would hate me forever and we can’t have that happen: I do the hating part. That’s a sacred rule.”

And there she goes, he sighs as soon as Y/N begins bawling her eyes out next to him on the couch.

“…July 13th is in…in 5 days,” you manage to utter while crawling on his knees, your arms tightly going around his neck. J doesn’t stop you and actually hugs you back even if he promised himself he won’t tolerate any kind of emotional rubbish from his girlfriend.

“Yeap, coming up,” he buries his face in your shoulder, inhaling the perfume he likes and for some reason it’s not very comforting today. “You have three more years to go so make it count, ok?”

Y/N can’t stop crying and plans to blur out a million sentences yet the disclosure is overwhelming for the heartbroken woman.

“W-why didn’t you…” and The Joker can’t understand the following word but he comprehends the meaning.”…earlier?”

“I didn’t share earlier since it would have been atrocious to watch: when you cry you get these wrinkles in the middle of your forehead. Uggghhh”, he shrugs with fake disgust. “It makes you… how should I put it nicely?… Super ugly! For 5 days though…I believe I’ll be able to endure it.”

Y/N’s faint snorting noise prompts his smile too, aware she is not fighting back the stupid remark like she would usually do and that’s fine with him.

“P-please don’t leave me,” you kiss his cheek and cuddle to his body, panicking at the thought he’ll be gone in a few days.

“I don’t have a choice, Pumpkin. Nobody does. Not anymore. It’s inevitable and you’ll have to deal with it…”

“What am I supposed to do without you?” you bring up the painful fact bound to become reality in such a short notice it physically hurts.

“Survive,” the candid reply advises. “You’re The King’s Queen so live for both until your time will come.”

J wishes to elaborate on the topic and you cover his mouth, upset.

“You’re not a King and I’m not a Queen. We’re just a man and a woman that screwed up over and over again; still…here we are. That’s it…That’s all there is…No King and no Queen,” you shake your head in denial. “Only us…” your voice dims under the burden of grief.

Your fingers slide off his lips, revealing a stunned Joker that seems to see his girlfriend for the first time. How come he didn’t realize sooner?! She loves him. She really does.

“Only us…” J repeats in a trance, pulling Y/N into a soft kiss that somehow feels more intimate than everything else they did before.

You glide your hands down his chest, the way you grind against him making it clear you want more than a make out session.

“Does this mean you’re not mad at me for the moment?” he tests the waters although the answer is logical.

“U-hum,” you take your t-shirt off and The Joker gropes you, the typical mischievous smirk lacking from his part: he just wants you close. Despite vehemently denying the hunger for your touch, the thought gives him an unexpected sense of loneliness. When all your life you’ve been nothing more than a walking contradiction, it’s hard to battle the inner demons caging your desire to the point of no return.

That’s why J wipes your tears and doesn’t have a smart ass comment regarding the smeared mascara: he craves the distraction with such intensity it makes the rest fade.

“I have some requests,” you whisper and he stares into your eyes, kind of lost and finding himself unable to resist the tempting lips pouted one inch from his.

“Oh yeah?” the curiosity takes over.

“No fighting,” you trace the tattoo on his abs and The Joker never agreed to anything faster:

“OK.”

“I want to talk about stuff we never talk about…”

“OK.”

“I want us to make love as much as possible,” you negotiate wondering if he will fuss about the spontaneous list summarized in a hurry.

“OK,” The Clown Prince of Crime consents without arguing to your terms because the truth is he has no intention to do so today.

“And I want some sort of proof that you like me,” Y/N boldly demands since he unfortunately indicated the opposite on numerous occasions in the past.

J frowns, not mumbling the OK you are expecting. The awkward silence continues and The Joker notices how hard you’re trying to hide your disappointment when actually he’s straining to conceal his own emotions. He shouldn’t indulge the urge of making you happy before it’s too late, yet the demons in his mind are quiet now: the accidental clarity could make a person finally act against their usual judgment.

You watch him pass his fingers through his locks, confused when he brings the longer strands in the front of his face. J carefully plucks one green hair out of his head, gesturing for your left hand. You hold it up and he twists the neon colored token at the base of your pinky, explaining his action while finalizing the project with a couple of knots:

“I guess you can say you have me wrapped around your finger.”

The girlfriend’s stunned expression is certainly worth the trouble of affirming it loud; The Joker savors the outcome and you take off your bra, tossing the lacy garment behind the sofa:

“Abandon all hope Mister Joker,” Y/N’s instant evil grin changes the mood. “You belong to me now.”

*************

“I can’t sleep,” you stretch next to him on the couch.

“Me neither,” he yawns. “Even if you exhausted me,” J adds, yanking you in his arms again. You kiss his collar bone, restless at the question about to echo in the stillness:

“Are you afraid?”

The Joker has no idea on how to verbalize his inner views on the matter, but he doesn’t leave you hanging either.

“Maybe …I’m not thinking about it…”

“I am,” you squeeze in the important topic he probably didn’t even consider. “I’ll be here for you when it happens, but when I die…I will be alone...”

J feels this sharp pain in his heart that makes him realize a critical element: he didn’t have the opportunity to weigh in what dying before Y/N will mean for her.

“I’ll be here,” he pecks your forehead and you cling to him, discouraged at the obvious lie.

“Yeah, sure…”

“I promise I’ll be here, alright?”

“We are both aware how well you keep your promises,” you admonish in a way that doesn’t trigger his anger.

“I’ll keep this one, hm?” he reassures Y/N and she snickers at the impossible to fulfil vow, but appreciates his passionate response nevertheless. You nod a yes, drawing invisible circles on his skin.

“Do you want to dance on the terrace?” you suggest on a whim.

“OK,” The Joker quickly consents and gets up, grabbing the sheet from the floor. He takes your hand and guides you on the patio, unfolding the thin fabric as soon as you’re outdoors. Despite the cool breeze, it’s nice and warm in the middle of the night.

“No music?” you tease as he wraps both naked bodies in the sheet.

“We dance to our own tune, Pumpkin,” he winks and slowly moves while tightly hugging you.

“We always did,” you play along, brushing away the horrible sentiment of regret clouding the peaceful atmosphere.

“It’s a jungle out there,” J stirs the dialogue in order to address his concerns. “This whole virus business is turning the world upside down. You saw on the news they might release the antivirus sooner than anticipated, but there are no guarantees. You have to find a way to survive no matter what.”

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine…”

“After I’m gone, please don’t do anything… reckless. It won’t be easy, but you can’t give up."

You know what he’s referring to and mutter:

“I won’t… I swear...”

J starts spinning faster, chuckling at your excited screams.

“Stoooop!!!!” you beg laughing, trying not to trip and fall.

“Did you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?” he bites your ear and you squeal, jumping out of the sheet that’s sliding to the ground since he’s not holding it anymore.

“No,” you giggle and J lifts you up in his arms, delighted to have found a small piece of heaven in the hell surrounding the gloomy future.

“Good; there’s a first time for everything,” he abruptly halts for a kiss before reprising the crazy pace while Y/N can’t remember the last time the two of them had so much fun.

*************

July the 13th, 8:45am

“I couldn’t help noticing you didn’t wish me a happy birthday,” he watches you comb your hair and the reflection in the mirror depicts a tearful girlfriend that struggles with so many emotions it’s difficult to speak. “I was hoping you’ll mention it while we took a shower.”

“Happy Birthday…”

“Thanks,” The Joker simply replies and you finally put the brush down and attempt to flee the bathroom when he blocks the exit. “Are you avoiding me?”

“Ummm… I’ll make breakfast…” you sniffle and he glares at you, understanding your reaction for once.

“I was planning to have sex, but I might kick the bucket right in the middle of the activity and I believe you might take it personally although I don’t consider you boring in bed.”

“It’s not funny…” you scold and he agrees:

“It’s not because it’s not meant to be,” the harsh reality strikes a chord within Y/N. “It literally can happen at any moment and I don’t want to embarrass myself like that. Can you imagine? Rumors spread all over town that The Joker couldn’t finish.”

He detects the faint smile and sulks at your verdict:

“You’re an idiot.”

“That’s fucking rude,” he scoffs. “What if these are the last words I hear?! What if I check out precisely this second, huh?! Would you be thrilled that’s the last thing you said to me?!”

Instead of a sassy remark J gets a remorseful apology he wasn’t aiming for:

“I’m sorry… I don’t know what to do…”

“Me neither,” he sincerely underlines. “In the meantime, you should…” and pauses since he suddenly feels out breath, “you should make breakfast.”

“Are you OK?” you inquire, worried he almost lost his balance.

“I’m fine, just need my coffee to wake up,” he sighs and steps away from the doorway, heading towards the master bedroom.

“Aren’t you coming downstairs?” you catch up with him and The Joker tilts over for your support.

“I’m a bit dizzy; I’ll lie down until you finish the food. Don’t look so panicked: after I eat I’ll be better.”

You gulp and place him in bed, your pulse so enhanced it gives you the impression you’ll faint soon.

“You want some water?” you offer and he adjusts his pillows, collapsing on top of them afterwards.

“Yes,” J musters the strength to grumble, this weird sensation of total exhaustion creeping up in his brain.

You rush out of the room and bump into the bookcase, numb at the soreness. The Joker barely perceives your stomping, digging under the cushions for a small envelope he keeps in his fist for you to find in case you don’t return before he loses consciences. He wrote the note yesterday and it would be a shame to chicken out at the end and not proceed as planned.

“Here’s the water,” you barge in with the bottle and run by the bed, nervously touching his face. “How are you? Can you stand up?”

His eyes go in the back of the head and he tries to concentrate on your voice as it fades into nothingness.

“Hey, I’ll make your favorite pancakes,” you shake him, startled he won’t snap out of his apathy. “J, look at me. Come on, let’s go downstairs…Can you at least drink some water?” you start sobbing seeing he’s not receptive to your encouragements.

The Joker’s lips are moving without sound and you fall on your knees, scared to see him frantically breathing:

“I know, alright? I already know. All I ask is that you come downstairs and eat your stupid pancakes, deal?”

The Joker’s eyes are closing and he deeply exhales, releasing the small piece of paper that rolls on the floor. You don’t even pay attention to it, desperate to witness an event you aren’t prepared for.

When The Joker came into this world 40 years ago, there was nobody there to love the newborn; his own mother didn’t want him.

But when he passed away at 9:03 am on his birthday, someone that loved him was there.

**************

Three years later – your birthday, 6:07am

You turn off the TV, annoyed they continue to depict the terrible results after to the official release of the antivirus last week: it’s not working and people are still dying. What did they expect by opening Pandora’s Box? So much turmoil on the streets, protests and demonstrations…

The governments will be voting tomorrow on implementing the martial law since the public outcry makes it impossible to contain the escalating damage after the huge failure they neglected to speculate.

Y/N drags her feet on the carpet, watching the snowflakes dancing outside the windows.

“We shouldn’t postpone this any longer…” you talk to yourself, removing the precious message The Joker left behind out of the hidden drawer on top of the fireplace.

You unfold the envelope, reading the hand written note for the millionth time:

Inside you’ll find my real name.

You’re the only one I trust with this.

Destroy the evidence.

You don’t glance at the name it contains and his memory immediately makes the isolation unbearable. You flick the envelope on the burning logs, enjoying the flames consuming the last trace of who he really was.

“Done… I kept my end of the bargain; where’s yours?” you lecture The Joker’s framed picture decorating the dinner table. “Liar…” Y/N pats her hands together, feeling cold even if the fire is very warm. The ticklish sensation in your fingers intensifies, making you shiver. You stare at your knuckles, no other jewelry besides the strand of green hair still wrapped around your pinky; it’s infinitely more valuable than any present J ever gifted you.

A gush of wind makes the curtains fly inward since the sliding glass doors leading to the terrace are wide opened. The sky is still dark, matching the general mood hoovering over Gotham these days.

You decide to take a stroll on the patio, this way you might be able to clear your mind from the impending doom you can’t escape. The snow squeaks under Y/N’s socks and the chill gets her out of trance since evidently she didn’t bring a jacket either. Another step and you stumble, finding it difficult to regain your equilibrium.

“Shit…” you choke on the strong air filling up your lungs.

Why is it so difficult to walk?

You take a seat on the nearest chair by the pool, not bothering cleaning up the snow; for some reason a break is more than welcomed at this point. You’re growing restless and try to disregard the anxiety building up in your chest: are you dying? Or is merely stress after living with this burden for so long?

Maybe if you shut your eyes and rest for a sec, you won’t be this tired. Yet the moon is shining so brightly it’s impossible to ignore; last time it was this beautiful you danced with the devil on an that unforgettable summer night. Seems like ages ago for the worn out Y/N.

What if you take a nap? Only five minutes. That should be helpful and then you can resume your morning routine because you refuse to accept this could be the end already. Your eyelids close, not realizing you don’t feel the cold anymore; it’s nice and comforting, just like the touch of someone you love.

*************

You wiggle in the chair and rub your eyes, refreshed after the well-deserved snooze: hopefully you didn’t waste too much time from your last day on earth. Your gaze wanders off around the terrace and you suddenly freeze: there’s someone leaning over the railing, watching the city from the 30th floor.

You rise from your spot and hesitantly walk towards the person, gasping when you notice the familiar fur coat.

“There she is,” The Joker turns around to greet you, smirking when you cover your mouth in disbelief. “Told you I’ll be here.”

You can’t make a single sound and he opens his arms, waiting for you to run to him.

“You didn’t miss me?” he laughs at your baffled reaction, bundling the coat around Y/N as soon as she finds herself in his embrace.

“I did miss you; I missed you so much,” you inhale his scent and the smell of your favorite cologne confirms he’s truly there. You hug him so tight he would normally complain, but there’s no bickering coming out of The Joker. “I can’t believe you’re here,” you smile and he kisses your lips, whispering:

“You have me wrapped around your finger. Where else am I supposed to be?”

Also read: MASTERLIST

diyunho(.)tumblr(.)com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

#the joker x reader #the joker fanfiction #the joker imagine #the joker jared leto #the joker #the joker suicide squad #joker #joker fanfiction #joker x reader #joker suicide squad #mister j #Mistah J #Mr.J #dc #dcu

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sagamemes · 6 years

Text

criminal minds: beyond borders sentence starters part 2. contains just over a hundred lines of dialogue from episodes 6 through 11 out of 26 of the criminal minds spinoff, some edited to better fit roleplay purposes. contains no universe or profession specific lingo and very few triggers, so most of these can be used by anyone.

“ with you, nothing surprises me. ”

“ there’s your fine, and then there’s mine. ”

“ i love you too. when we’re gonna get to the hotel, i’m gonna show you how much. ”

“ okay, i know spontaneous takes you out of your comfort zone, but trust me, you’re gonna like this. ”

“ well, it’s a long time since i’ve shot anything. i figured the bigger the gun is, the better chance i have of hitting something. ”

“ anything this beautiful has to be dangerous. ”

“ i so would’ve hated you in high school. ”

“ at least she’s a fighter. ”

“ i told you that i almost got married, right? ”

“ i just decided to rip off the band-aid and spare us both the inevitable. ”

“ it’s an online company where you can purchase a star. ”

“ ____, this is your conscience speaking. ”

“ you know, there's seven levels of intelligence and three types of genius? lucky for you, i'm all of the above. ”

“ i forgot. you always have a guy. ”

“ i’ve told so many people that they’ve lost loved ones. ”

“ you help more than you know. ”

“ what we do, it's so dangerous and scary, and it's made me afraid of any kind of commitment. ”

“ please, be reasonable. ”

“ they’re children, ____. use words they can understand. ”

“ i need to know they’re okay. ”

“ you’re not the only one who needs to deal with children. ”

“ what do you have? nothing. great. ”

“ this place is a, how do you say, a wretched hive of scum and villainy. ”

“ people must’ve really liked your dad. ”

“ when i ask about it, you make it about pretty much anything except for the question i asked you. ”

“ you want me to beat him a little? ”

“ i got something, and you’re not gonna like it. ”

“ look, i know you feel helpless. i know you’re a person of action, and right now it feels like the only option, but i’m telling you from experience, it’s the wrong thing to do. ”

“ my team is the best in the world at this. ”

“ yeah, you see a lot of places with a high-speed internet connection around here? ”

“ you want justice. i find that admirable. ”

“ show them we mean business. ”

“ your people had their chance. ”

“ now, there's about $400,000 worth of bitcoin here. you might want to hang on to it. ”

“ you know they take care of each other when you're gone, right? ”

“ we shouldn’t have come. it’s just gonna make it harder. ”

“ look, i won’t lie to you. i don’t want you here. ”

“ you being here complicates things, and i don’t like complications. ”

“ [mx/ms/mrs/mr]. ____, i understand your concern, but right now, you need to be seen, not heard. ”

“ they don't just bring me along for my good taste and my sense of humour. ”

“ they won't let me see her. won't even let me see my own kids. ”

“ i know this is difficult, but the best way to help yourself and your family is to just talk to me. ”

“ you don't have to talk to me, or anyone. i just wanna make sure you're safe. ”

“ all the promises, all the plans we made, just gone, thrown away like garbage. ”

“ i caught my reflection in the mirror, and i didn't even recognize myself. ”

“ they say punishment fits the crime. ”

“ i need you to take a closer look. ”

“ stop! look into my eyes. this is not your fault. there is nothing you could've done. ”

“ ____ is the artist. i just doodle. ”

“ ____ fought as hard as she could to protect her children. ”

“ i know exactly what it feels like to be angry with god. ”

“ all of that pain, it is overwhelming, isn't it? it burns. ”

“ i'm safe. you don't have to worry about me, okay? ”

“ love is very powerful, especially your first love. ”

“ who has never been burned in the sun won't know the value of shadow. ”

“ the future has not been written. there is no fate but what we make. ”

“ again, i'm very sorry for these circumstances, ____. and for not properly introducing myself before. ”

“ if you're such a close friend, why didn't he tell me about you? ”

“ you must understand, I will not allow anyone to do harm to ____. ”

“ bingo. 60 seconds. must be getting slower. also must be getting senile, 'cause now i'm talking to myself. ”

“ no cellphone. dress like a tourist. buy a plane ticket at the last minute so no one has a chance to find out. ”

“ one of them tried to grab her. the other took a swing at me, so i busted open his nose. ”

“ there are a few possibilities, and none of them good. ”

“ we value that which is rare in this world: gold, diamonds---but the rarest of all is love. true love. ”

“ you made a choice. that is what growing up means. ”

“ that's a level of trauma that will desensitize anyone. ”

“ i have no home. ”

“ whatever they told you, they're all lies! ”

“ i'd say any night where i don't have to clean up your broken bottles is a good night. ”

“ you've been such a godsend to me these past few weeks. ”

“ hope does not kill.”

“ i suppose it seemed like, uh, using a cannon to swat a fly. ”

“ you sure you're gonna be okay? working with her again? ”

“ a man's sole responsibility is to protect the ones he loves. ”

“ i think they look like very convincing ‘don't you dare mess with me’ warnings. ”

“ we've been through some serious strife. if you really want to put the fear of god into us, you definitely need to step up your game. ”

“ he won't stop until he feels satisfied that we know exactly how much power he has over life and death. ”

“ experience has taught me to pick my battles. ”

“ and what, you think you're the saviour of all those left behind? ”

“ i will tell you, my dear, payback is a bitch. ”

“ the cruellest punishment of all is for a parent to bury a child. ”

“ what are you insinuating, son? ”

“ never commit a crime too close to home. ”

“ right now is what my grandmother likes to call a ‘come to jesus’ time. ”

“ i knew there were secrets about your past, but i loved you, so i never asked you any questions. ”

“ let the world change you, and you change the world. ”

“ you needed a ride, you should have asked. ”

“ i didn’t know when you were leaving. ”

“ ah, that would be illegal, so no. ”

“ now, of course, he is a diplomat, so he didn't say the word ‘stingy’.”

“ it's the original hybrid. it has the body of a classic american car, only with an updated engine. ”

“ is that what your mother calls you? ”

“ you mean like vin diesel? ”

“ bless your heart. ”

“ at the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. ”

“ that's one of the great propaganda campaigns of all time. ”

“ i'm not going anywhere! it's always been you and me, ____, and it always will be. ”

“ no, i don't like narcissistic psychopaths. ”

“ this government is used to absolute control. ”

“ ride or die, partner. ”

“ nobody is listening. ”

“ let’s give them something they can’t ingore. ”

“ it’s over, ____. i’m tired, ____. i’m so tired. ”

“ it would be an honour if you joined. ”

#rp meme #sentence meme #sentence starters #indie rph #starter meme #category: ask #category: sentences #cmbb #* meme.#* sentences.

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ficdirectory · 6 years

Text

Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 30

(To listen, click here) - 13:42

“He came home when?” Pearl asks, incredulous, sitting on Frank’s porch with Jesus.

“About 4 AM. I heard him come in,” Jesus passed along, looking concerned.

“I hope you weren’t up all night,” she says.

“No, but I’m pretty tuned into when the door opens. Dominique waited up, though. So, he wasn’t alone when he came in.”

“Seriously, Jesus, should I be worried here? Is there something I should know about Levi?”

“Talk to him. If you wanna know, you need to talk to him. You can’t go behind his back.”

“He legitimately has a 3-9:45 shift today,” she shares - a non sequitur.

Jesus spots her shaking hands. She doesn’t bother hiding them anymore. “You don’t like when he works late?”

“No...I mean, I don’t. But that was the same shift I had when…” she ventures. “And it’s not exactly the same, but it’s close enough. It happened on a Saturday night through Sunday. This year, it falls on a weekend, too, so…” Pearl sips hot tea from her travel mug.

Jesus grimaces. “Hate when it does that.”

“I know,” she nods. “And I know it isn’t rational...but like...rationality doesn’t really matter when it comes to this. I can’t help but imagining the same thing happening to him. And if it did… I could never forgive myself, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. I worry about Francesca the same way,” Jesus sympathizes.

“But I think Dominique’s planning to go into town with him when he goes to work. Stick close. You know? Might give you peace of mind.”

“Why would she do that?” Pearl asks.

“I mean...they’re friends. Dominique cares about him. She knows he’s had a hard time. I think she just wants him to know he has a friend nearby. If he needs one.”

Pearl expels a breath. “Yeah, that does help. Confession: my mother has been blowing up my phone, as the kids say.”

Jesus looks sidelong at her. “I don’t think the kids say that anymore…” he jokes. “But...wait. What? I thought you told her to beat it.”

“I did.” Pearl maintains.

“She can’t take a hint, or…” Jesus asks.

“Basically.” Pearl nods. “I haven’t told Levi, because he’s been so stressed. And he’s been over here, so he hasn’t needed to worry about it.”

“What’s she want?” Jesus asks.

“Oh, just to make me feel guilty about my life choices. To make this weekend all about her. Take your pick.”

Jesus grimaces. “You have nothing to feel guilty about. And this weekend is about you. She’s messing with your head. Trust me, I know what that looks like.”

“You think she’s like, manipulating me?” Pearl wonders, surprised.

“Well, I don’t think she’s loving you. I’ll put it like that,” Jesus mutters darkly.

Pearl’s mouth falls open. “Wow. Okay.”

“Sorry. If that was, you know, too harsh or whatever.” Jesus apologizes.

“No, I need Jesus levels of bluntness in my life right now,” Pearl insists.

There’s silence. There’s a squirrel in the yard Dudley really wants to chase. But Cleo scares it away with her goofy bark.

“So, what do you wanna do this weekend? Like, how do you wanna handle it?” Jesus asks. “I get that there’s not a lot of lead time. But it helps me going into days like these to kinda have a plan. To know what I want to happen. What I don’t. What do you usually do?”

“Sleep,” Pearl shares unceremoniously, stroking Cleo. Their time walking the dogs together has to be some of Pearl’s favorite. But this morning they’d saved all the major conversation for afterward.

“Do you wanna sleep this weekend?” Jesus wonders, no judgment.

“No, I wanna hang out with you guys. I just...don’t know how I’ll be… If someone brings it up, or whatever…” Pearl worries.

“Well, we wouldn’t want you thinking we don’t care. Just that...I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t want people in my family to bring it up on hard days. Sometimes I do, but just like, peripherally. I don’t like a big deal made.”

“What are you asking?” Pearl tries.

“Do you think you’ll wanna discuss it? Like, should we check in with you?” Jesus clarifies.

“I have no idea. No one has ever asked me that. No one’s ever been here with me through it, except when it happened, and even then, Mom didn’t know it happened. I didn’t tell her for like a week…”

“Dude…” Jesus breathes.

“Yeah, I know, right? Brutal.” Pearl tells him.

“It is.” Jesus nods.

“I think I’ll want to know people remember it’s a hard weekend?” Pearl ventures. “Check in with me, but not too directly?”

“Like, ‘How you doin’ with that?’” Jesus asks.

“Kind of, I guess.” Pearl makes a face. “Don’t make a massive deal but don’t forget me?”

“Done. Hey, and maybe leave your phone on silent or something?” he asks. “Just so you don’t have your mom bugging?”

“Right,” Pearl nods. “Do you think Levi’s gonna be okay tonight? Like, can I stay close around here so if I need you or Mariana to talk me off a ledge about him, you can?”

“Totally, yeah,” Jesus nods.

“And…” Pearl hesitates. “Can we do Feelings Laundry again? We missed yesterday and...I can tell. I think I need it. Especially this weekend. But if Levi and Dominique are gonna be gone tonight, then I’m not sure how it’ll--”

Cleo’s licking her now. Pearl barely feels it.

“Pause,” Jesus interjects gently. “Get your breath.”

Pearl breathes, albeit shakily. She feels ridiculous. “I should have known, every time I start to ramble, that’s a bad sign. Like, come on, Pearl, gather yourself. This isn’t a big deal, Why are you making it one?”

“Pearl,” Jesus interjects softly.

She meets his gaze. He just stares back, quiet. For a whole minute. When he finally does speak, his words surprise her:

“This is a really big deal. And it makes a lot of sense that you’re struggling right now. I know you mentioned Feelings Laundry…. Hey, are you breathing? Don’t hold your breath. Breathe. Can you?”

“Just in…” Pearl manages.

“You okay if I talk to you about candles?” he asks, throwing her for a loop again.

“What?” she asks.

“I mean, they don’t trigger you or anything, do they?” Jesus persists.

“No. They’re fine,” she says, breathless.

“So, imagine there’s a candle. Or...a cake with lots of candles… Like your birthday cake…”

“Very funny…” Pearl gasps.

“You need a good breath to blow out those candles. So, when you’re ready...just take a deep breath and blow them out. You might need to do it a few times…”

“For Levi, too…” Pearl manages.

“What? Wait, you guys...have the same birthday?” Jesus asks, incredulous.

Pearl nods, finally drawing in a deep breath.

“Okay, so you’ll need some for your candles and some for his, ‘cause he’s still sleeping...and the cake’s invisible,” Jesus coaches.

Pearl highly doubts that pretending to blow out candles on a cake is going to help anything. She tries. It’s harsh. Sudden. Not calm.

“So, long and slow. You gotta get to all the candles and Levi’s cake is back here,” Jesus gestures vaguely.

After forever, it seems like Pearl can breathe again. “Sorry, I’m such a mess.”

Jesus smiles a little. “Messy is okay,” he says. “So, you asked about Feelings Laundry. And including Levi and Dominique. What do you think about asking everybody if they wanna have it after lunch today instead of after dinner? So we all can be there.”

“Yeah,” Pearl nods. “You are pretty incredible,” she tells him.

“Well, I have this pretty amazing role model who I’ve looked up to for years,” Jesus says.

“Oh, please. I’m hideous.”

“You need to change that inner dialogue…” Jesus encourages. “I think you mean, reasonably upset given the circumstances…and an amazing role model.”

“Stop,” she insists, laughing a little.

“Okay.” Just like that, Jesus does. It doesn’t matter that she’s laughing. That she meant it lightly.

Jesus listened.

He always listens.

Francesca wakes up and finds Jesus not in the fort. For a second, she feels like crying. She can’t keep having her friends and her brother just disappearing. She puts her blanket around her and creeps out of the fort. To the window.

Luckily, she sees Jesus out there with Pearl, talking. It makes her feel an inch better. But still. Levi. She went to sleep last night and he wasn’t home. After spending the day with her and then coming home, he was just gone.

It was scary.

Mariana and Dominique’s door is closed. Francesca approaches the big staircase and decides to crawl up it. No one is here to see and make fun of her. And she can always go down on her butt later.

She makes it all the way up, to the loft and then scurries to the far side by the bookshelf, as far away from the stairs as possible. She remembers the rule about bedrooms and is too nervous to knock and see if Levi answers, but she sits in the chair and waits.

She falls asleep waiting.

When the door creaks, Francesca jump-scares herself awake. Levi jumps, too. He looks different.

Francesca gets up and walks to him. Stands in front of him. He bends down and she can’t help it. She throws her arms around him, biting her lip to keep her tears in, but it doesn’t even help and soon she’s sobbing like a baby. (But quietly because people are sleeping, plus Jesus’s trauma doesn’t like loud crying.)

“Whoa. Hey…” he says. His voice sounds scratchy. He rocks back so he’s sitting. She goes, too. She feels like she can never let go of him.

“I thought you were gone,” she gasps.

“You, what?” he asks, quiet. Confused.

“Thought...you were...gone! Like Jesus! I thought...somebody took you!” Francesca sobs. It feels like her heart actually is breaking. It’s the worst feeling.

“Hey… No… Nobody took me,” Levi rubs her back.

Francesca cries a little more before she can start calming down. “I’m sorry,” she apologizes, not looking at him.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry I scared you. I didn’t know. I won’t do it again.” Levi says seriously.

“When people just go and don’t tell me… It just… I don’t know…” Francesca tries.

“Maybe it reminds you…” Levi asks, his voice still sounding like he’s sick.

“Of Jesus being gone, too,” Francesca nods.

“You’re pretty young. Do you remember that?” he asks.

“No, he came back when I was one and a half,” Francesca wipes her eyes. “But the last time we were here, Moms thought Jesus was gone again. Moms were fighting and checking to see if he fell through the ice outside. Mariana was crying. Jude and Brandon were fighting and Callie kept asking to go look for him but Moms told her ‘We can’t lose you, too.’” He was gone a long time. Then he came back. But I still remember him being gone. The feeling inside.”

“Being unprotected,” Levi offers.

“I think…” Francesca nods. “Like every bad thing could suddenly really happen. Bad guys were real. There was more than just Jesus’s one bad guy. The world, like, became dangerous…So, last night it felt the same, even though you’re not Jesus.” Francesca’s looking at Levi in the eyes. “Did you feel that way? Is that why you left?”

“No,” Levi shakes his head. “I felt guilty. Like I was selfish for wearing you out. And getting you and Dominique followed.”

“You didn’t,” Francesca insists. “I wore myself out. And the peon followed us, not you.”

Levi cracks a smile.

“Next time, can you just ask?” Francesca begs.

“Ask what?” Levi wonders.

“If you’re feeling guilty about stuff. Ask if it’s true. We’ll tell you. Friends don’t lie, you know?” Francesca tells him.

“What if they tell me it is…” Levi worries.

“Friends also don’t hurt each other on purpose. Or at all. So…” she shrugs. “If you’re worried about a lot of stuff just come talk to us about it. We’re like your dad. We’ll protect you.”

“Thank you, Francesca,” he squeezes her again. “Hey, how did you get up here?”

“Crawled.”

“Ah. Need a hand down?”

“Not really,” she hesitates.

“No? Why?”

“What if I wanna stay here? Not in your room, just outside it like this?” Francesca asks.

“Well, I was thinking about...getting some pancakes.” Levi winks.

“We didn’t buy any…” Francesca objects.

“But I did, and I hid them in a secret spot. Wanna come down and find them with me?” he asks.

“Yeah.” Finally, Francesca smiles. She grabs her blanket but then can’t figure out how to bring it with her and go down stairs.

“Here, I have an idea. What about...a cape?” Levi asks, tying the blanket at two corners around Francesca’s neck. “And what about a boost?” he bends down for her to climb on, piggyback style.

She does.

“Just hang on tight,” Levi insists.

“I will. I have strong arms,” Francesca shares, holding on extra tight.

They find the pancakes in the freezer. Levi shows her the best way to eat them: with peanut butter and maple syrup. It really does taste great.

“I’m glad you came home,” Francesca tells him, around a bite of pancake. “I’d miss you tons, otherwise…” She stabs another bite with her fork. “Just so you know? Avoiders? Don’t avoid each other.”

“Wait. I’m an Avoider?” Levi asks.

“Of course.” Francesca nods.

“Why, of course. You barely know me.” Levi says, looking away.

“Well, Jesus didn’t know me at first, but that didn’t mean we weren’t brother and sister,” Francesca shrugs.

“You don’t have to include me in your thing…” Levi hesitates.

“Too late. You’re included,” Francesca smiles. “It’s good. It means you’re wanted.”

Levi wipes his eyes.

Francesca doesn’t make fun of him. She just hands him a napkin for his tears.

#fic: somewhere inside

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thesportssoundoff · 6 years

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What a 23 page report tells us about Urban Meyer and sports in general

First and foremost, I'd absolutely recommend that anybody who has an opinion on the investigation without reading the investigation findings which can be found HERE (http://a.espncdn.com/pdf/2018/0823/ohiostatepdf.pdf) read it. Read it once, get any sort of emotional issues out of the way and then read it twice with a clearer head. Stuff like this, serious issues about morality and sports trying to co-mingle, often needs multiple lookovers. This one is a neat and tidy 20-some odd pages so it's not like it'll take too much time out of your day and by report standards, it's written clear enough that anybody can parse through it and get it. Also in the following bit, domestic violence is going to come up and while I'm not much for trigger warnings, I do think a fair and honest "HEADS UP!" is necessary for a subject such as this.

The outrage has simmered down. By normal read and react (or just react) standards, the Urban Meyer situation has basically come and gone. His three game suspension is known, we raged about it and people moved on as they often do. It's hard to stay mad at something for too long when social media is basically a treadmill of rage; by the time you get mad at one thing, something else is already coming up so you're never allowed to fully decompress. You can't "get it out of your system" so to speak. I feel like on issues like this when we're discussing potential/alleged violence against a spouse, it matters to read through the reports and try to find the best image possible. Reading through the report I have zero doubt that Zach Smith is an abuser in some form or fashion. If not physically then emotionally since chances are a guy with a severe drinking problem who seems to also have a severe anger issue and poor impulse control probably has no issue yelling or menacing somebody. The report wasn't about Zach Smith's indiscretions (not entirely at least) and was instead about Urban Meyer. It's what I have to assume (because otherwise why read it) a good faith assessment and report on the findings of what Urban Meyer knew, what he alleged to know and what we ALL now know about the Zach Smith situation and how Urban Meyer and Ohio State handled it. For those who wish to care, here are my own personal thoughts based just upon the findings:

1) For SOME reason, Urban Meyer's loyalty to Zach Smith is cast iron which makes zero sense

The 2009 arrest for a domestic incident is discussed and covered pretty clearly early on. Zach Smith brings home a drunk co-worker to sleep on his couch (because why else do you bring a female co-worker to your home to sleep on your couch after a party?) and his wife is upset. It's alleged that Zach Smith throws her against a wall, an allegation that ultimately leads to an arrest but not a charge from Courtney Smith. From there though and spanning two different universities, it sure seems like there's nothing but bad behavior from Zach Smith. From trips to strip clubs (which aren't illicit except for when you're doing it on the company dime/company time) to truancy in paying back bills to the school to other red flags amid the school. The biggie though is the 2015 investigation into more domestic violence allegations from Courtney Smith. At that point, Urben Meyer is faced with a difficult choice on a one v one issue. Zach Smith has to this point exhibited plenty of fireable behavior and now he's under investigation for domestic violence. For some reason Urban Meyer puts up with it, offering yet another warning. At this point Zach Smith continues to act like a problem (it's not illegal to sleep with a co-worker or to take dick pics but it's probably unbecoming for a dude in the middle of a domestic violence investigation to do it and to do it WHILE at work) until the restraining order is brought down in 2018. THEN and only then does Urban Meyer make the move to fire Zach Smith and the move is made, according to the information presented, because Urban was jumped on the news by the media.

For some reasons by which I simply can't comprehend, Urban Meyer's rope of trust for Zach Smith wasn't just long enough to hang himself but to hang Urban Meyer, Ohio State's Athletic Director Gene Smith, the Ohio State University and practically all of Ohio at once. For reasons I can't figure out, Urban Meyer decided that he would stake his perfectly crafted reputation as the guy who viewed this as more than football and who preached family and values and so on so so forth on a guy who ultimately would betray that trust time and time again is just unfathomable. Remember Urban Meyer had Aaron Hernandez on his football team at Florida and he somehow survived the eventual fallout of that with his reputation intact! He rode Tim Tebow and the Tebow-isms of Florida while having guys like Chris Rainey on his team. He left Florida citing health and family, took a year off for a major media gig and then bailed and went to Ohio State for the largest contract in history at that time. This was the world's most bulletproof built reputation and he somehow found a way to ding it over an assistant. Even the report seems baffled, speculating that it may due to Zach Smith being the grandson of a mentor of Urban Mayer's. Even THAT seems like a stretch and IF that's the reason then Urban Meyer got this point politically by accident because no smart man would be that loyal that far down the chain of command. Zach Smith wasn't his defensive coordinator or a close aide, he wasn't a guy in a high spot on the totem pole. He was the wide receivers coach for the love of God. He wasn't there for 15 years having a long track record of proven results. In fact even in 2015 and 2016, Urban Meyer was concerned about Zach Smith showing up late to work (!) and having a generally poor level of performance!

It's stated that Urban Meyer had never fired a coach before and that may have played into it. I don't know the veracity of that claim but if so I guess it makes a little bit of sense as to the apprehension. Still Urban Meyer has truly nobody to blame but himself for all of this because it's not like Zach Smith's character was sterling and beyond question. Anybody who knows me knows I'm a guy who values second/third/fifth/twelfth chances in life. You've probably seen me argue for dudes like Greg Hardy and company, acknowledging the right to be mad at those people for fucking up while also acknowledging the human right to be able to atone for errors and also the right to make a living (as other sports people have argued, what IS a guy accused of a crime supposed to do for the rest of his life? What is acceptable for him? Can he run a store? Can he cook your food? Clean your subways?). Zach Smith just keep making errors and Urban Meyer continued to put him on his coaching staff and the report offers no real solid reason for any of that.

2) "So I’m To Believe...”

My Con Law professor used to start a sentence with "So I'm to believe" whenever he was hinting that somebody was losing their end of a classroom debate. It's stated a few times in the report that Urban and Shelley Meyer had discussions about Zach and Courtney Smith. It was at least known to the couple that those two had problems, so much so in fact that when the 2009 incident between the Smiths occurred, the Meyers suggested a counselor to the duo. As such, I'm to believe is that Urban Meyer and Shelley Meyer had consistent dialogue about everything except for when Shelley was presented with texts of abuse and photos from Courtney Smith? And I'm to believe that Shlley Meyer contacted police about a domestic violence investigation but didn't tell her husband she was doing that? That at no point during this period of time Shelley and Urban NEVER talked about allegations of domestic violence in 2015? Even if Shelley Meyer thought that Courtney Smith was being less than honest about the Zach Smith situation, I'm to believe she NEVER mentioned that to Urban Meyer? It's a lot to believe, ain't it? Shelley Meyer is deemed as "supportive" of Courtney Smith but not supportive enough to say "Listen there's some shit going on, what are you going to do about it?" to Urban Meyer?

3) A three game suspension is worse than no suspension

Honestly there's no "Better than nothing!" here. There are three options here; 1) no suspension, 2) a lengthy suspension or 3) dismissal as the head coach of the Ohio State Buckeyes. To offer up a three game suspension is a slap in the face of the concept of good faith. If he violated enough ethics to be suspended, it should be a much lengthier punishment than three games. A three game suspension is like saying "We don't necessarily think he did anything wrong but we hope you feel better about it!" He won't miss Penn State, he won't miss Michigan State, he won't miss Michigan hell he misses ONE Big 10 game and it's Rutgers! No disrespect to the fine Rutgers football squad but I think Ohio State should be able to manage without Urban Meyer. Again if you feel like he violated something in your code of conduct, suspend him for more than just a quickie three game set. Six games and you'd have plenty of people believing in you. Fire him if you're TRULY convinced he did something wrong. Three games just feels hollow and vacant, like an attempt to make this go away with a terrible placating tool.

4) It's only a problem when a) someone gets hurt by it or b) someone finds out about it

The response of Urban Meyer at the Big-10 press conference is covered but what truly matters are the responses of the people involved. Gene Smith advises Urban Meyer to be as scant with details as possible, Once the shit hits the fan about a potential media snowstorm on Zach Smith, Urban Meyer instructs his coaches to keep the focus on the team and the players. On one hand, sounds like a coach aiming to keep everybody in line and out of the way of what's to come but Urban himself seems to have no idea how to handle the situation either. In fact, he asks people in the organization for details on 2015 which suggests he actually may not have known about it. Now granted that in and of itself is compounded by Meyer's text from before August 2017 of last year disappearing entirely for whatever reason. Strange as that may be. Shelley Meyer expresses concern for the safety of some people (Zach himself? Her family? Courtney?) when she discusses and I quote here on page 12, Section A; "“I am worried about Zach’s response. He drinks a lot and I am just not sure how stable he will be. Afraid he will do something dangerous. It’s obvious he has anger/rage issues already.”" Everything after the fact paints a bad light on what feels like a cover up, even if the information presented seems to suggest something far less nefarious. It has that “It’s only a problem if” vibe to it.

5) Urban Meyer's memory loss is troubling

Urban Meyer is 54 years old and expected to the head coach at a major college university. At numerous times during the investigation, it's mentioned that Meyer either can't recall exact details or just flat out can't remember things. If we believe his texts, Urban Meyer genuinely had no recollection of the 2015 investigation. He did know about it but couldn't remember it per the investigation. In the same investigation, Urban Meyer claims to suffer from memory loss as well. If this is coincidence or an act, he's the most committed actor in history. If it's real? I think we need to ask if a coach who can't remember poignant events in time relating to his coaching staff is truly the best candidate to coach a football team going forward regardless of the ethical concerns.

At the end of all of this, there's some serious ethical issues we need to try and learn from here.

I hope this won’t be the case but I believe we’re all one day going to be in Urban Meyer's shoes. I can't speak for what Courtney Smith has gone through. It's an avenue of life I haven't had to walk and hopefully will never have to walk. Hopefully my sister will never have to walk it either and hopefully no sibling nor mother of anybody who reads this will ever have to walk it. I can only speak for myself when I say that I've known victims of domestic violence and I've known those accused of domestic violence. Domestic violence is a visceral and emotional act; it invokes emotion from those who deal with it and those presented with it. Urban Meyer may truly be a man who values women and abhors those who put their hands on a spouse, namely women who are more often than not the victims. What Urban Meyer may not have been prepared for is the likelihood that somebody close to him would be the accused. It's a lot easier to hate domestic violence until you know the guy who is accused and until you hear them plead with you that they'd never do that. It's harder for you to accept it because YOU want to believe it. Look at your average social media kerfuffle when somebody is accused of something heinous; the majority of the people lambasting them probably turn hat quickly when it's somebody they like accused. We all hate domestic violence until it looks us in the face with somebody we care about. We’ve all probably heard a joke about domestic violence and let it slide unitl it stops being funny when it’s someone you kno wwith bruises. When it's you/us/we, it''s never as black and white, no matter how much it is to everybody else. Even to the very end after firing him, Urban Meyer was telling his staff that Zach Smith needed their help moving forward (on page 11). Urban Meyer was presented on two different occasions with the belief that somebody close to him who he admired was in fault of violating a code of ethics he subscribed (or alleges) to have subscribed to. In those instances, he trusted a man who ultimately in the end betrayed him. Why? I guess it doesn't matter now but it definitely is something to consider. If anything, I suppose Urban Meyer's situation will force us all when/if that time comes to truly question what it is we believe about people and whether or not "*So and so* would NEVER do *such and such*" is really the best way to show faith in a situation as nuanced, painful and complicated as this.

This ethical conundrum of trust and who we trust is magnified with celebrities and athletes and people we THINK we know. Ohio State fans have poured out in support of Urban Meyer with the belief that he didn't know or did the right thing or whatever the case. Our society (and I imagine societies before this) believe we know the people we see on TVs, football fields, basketball courts or on our youtube channels. The star worship is strong and it's getting stronger in part due to the goal of making the world as connected on an individual basis as possible. Nobody wants to believe that somebody could make an error that grave because we "know" them. We "know" them because we see them on TV four months out of the year, follow their tweets and instagrams and believe in something they do to a borderline unhealthy level. We idol worship and just hope like hell we've picked the right idol to bandwagon on. For Ohio State fans, they "know" Urban Meyer's code of ethics because he tells us them and then wins football games. If Urban Meyer did the former and not the latter, would this whole incident just be a convenient excuse for some people to want him gone? We "knew" Bill Cosby because he was funny, right? We don't really know anybody outside of the persona they want us to believe in---and sometimes we all need to remember that before we grab pitchforks or take stances. At the end of the day, I hope this incident convinces people to either wait for a reason to believe one way or another and not allow blind faith and the belief we "know" people to convince ourselves to pick a side long before we need to take one. It's okay to let the facts play out; so long as you're consistent in who you're choosing to let the facts play out on.

And lastly, the biggest problem is one that I think we can all see happening on a day to day basis. That is "When is it okay to talk about somebody's alleged transgressions?" For Urban Meyer and the Ohio State Athletic Department, so much rested on whether or not Zach Smith was charged with a crime. On multiple instances, they admit that a large portion of their reaction was due to Zach Smith not being charged with a crime (that they knew of at least). Even in the end of the report, they state that Ohio State leaving it in the hands of the law was not the best idea in absence of an internal investigation. Ohio State was waiting for the police or a judge to give them some sort of clearance and they waited too long because these things aren't rapid action. They were putting their hands in the legal process to solve their issue for them which is a problem in 2018. It's a smart strategy, I suppose, in that they are the people best equipped to handle that. At the same time, you run the risk of putting somebody else in charge of a problem. "So and so has never been charged of a crime!" doesn't neglect the investigation or the arrest. It's a fine line to walk; being fair to due process while acknowledging an issue at hand. Ohio State relied on the legal system to solve their problems which in turn is the challenge for pro sports today. We acknowledge that leagues/teams aren't equipped to deal with legal matters and yet we want them to. Why? Because most people don't really trust the legal world either. What is due process in 2018 and how do we balance good faith with our emotions?

#football #Urban Meyer #thoughts #meandering rambles #too much words

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alexdmorgan30 · 5 years

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Ring of Shame: How Getting Ringworm Triggered My Alcoholism

So one day I see this pink round patch on my forearm. It itches. I immediately start Googling eczema and psoriasis. Nope, looks nothing like that. But it does have that distinctive red ring so I look up pictures of ringworm and voila, there it is, my new friend.When I was smoking meth and shooting cocaine, I never got sick. I never got staph or scabies despite lying around with a bunch of gutter punks. But at six years sober, out of nowhere, I get ringworm. I don’t deal with children. Colonel Puff Puff, my cat, doesn’t have it. What the fuck is going on?Despite its grotesque and misleading name, it has nothing to do with worms. Ringworm is a type of skin fungus akin to athlete’s foot and jock itch. Trying to make light of the situation, I tweeted: “I was super depressed and smoking again but suddenly I got ringworm and that cheered me right up.” I was hit with a bunch of questions like “Is that the one that makes you skinny?”No dear, that’s a tapeworm, but thanks for the concern.I’d heard ringworm was very contagious so I went straight to urgent care where they confirmed it was indeed ringworm. I was prescribed a cream that burned like the fires of damnation and told to “keep it covered” at night to protect the Colonel. (When the Colonel last got ringworm, it cost $2,500 for multiple lyme dips, shavings, and numerous vet visits to get rid of it. It's a persistent motherfucker.)I went to the pharmacy, pulled up my sleeve, and told the pharmacist I had ringworm. “I don’t know how I got it,” I said, annoyed.The pharmacist pulled up the leg of her capri pants and said, “I got it working here! I was really stressed out because I was getting married and my mom had a stroke and boom.”We both laughed and then I took my supplies home, hopeful things would soon return to normal.Once I informed my friends of my condition, nobody would touch me. Friends and neighbors wouldn’t come into my apartment nor let me into theirs. “We love you and your ringworm,” they’d chant from the other side of the door. I was beginning to feel very leper-like even though it was one fucking red ring. My sponsor told me I could still go to meetings but I didn’t want to take the chance of giving it to anybody…(except maybe a few specific people).Two nights after following the urgent care doc’s protocol, the ringworm seemed to be getting worse. I saw a new circle sprouting up and there was a clear red rectangular demarcation from the band-aid. Kill me.Panicked that I would soon be a walking petri dish of ringworm, I went to my primary care clinic as a walk-in patient. This clinic treats a lot of homeless people and has quite a few tents parked permanently outside with adjacent grocery carts packed with stuffed animals and recyclables and blankets. People are allowed to shower in the downstairs bathroom and it often gets crowded in the waiting area. But once I told the receptionist of my “condition,” I was quickly escorted to an empty room and quarantined. Four long hours I sat in that room, my phone dying, sneaking out to smoke and feeling more and more depleted and well, just gross. A triage nurse came in briefly and told me that the urgent care doctor had made a huge error by telling me to cover the ringworm. It had created a tiny greenhouse, capturing the moisture and providing the perfect breeding ground for the ringworm to reproduce. Perfect.Finally, I was taken to another area to see a doctor. As I waited, I looked at the white cabinets. Two were locked. Where were the syringes, I wondered. Wait, what? An enormous urge to use had come over me. I wanted to get high, call my ex, die…. It’s just ringworm, I tried to tell myself. Calm down. Why the sudden impulse to use? “You’re disgusting and poor and getting old and nobody loves you,” my head said. Thankfully interrupting my horrible inner dialogue, the doctor, a big ruddy guy in his mid-30’s who looked like an ex-linebacker, came in and shook my hand. I cringed inside.“I hear you have a rash,” he said.“I have ringworm,” I corrected him, hanging my head in shame.“Okay, let’s take a look.” He put on gloves initially but then took them off.“You have one ringworm,” he said. “The rest of the redness and that other circle is contact dermatitis from the bandage. You’re allergic to something in that bandage.” He touched the irritated area with an ungloved hand.“Oh.” I was near tears.“I’m going to give you another cream and just wear long sleeves if your cat sleeps with you. Better yet, take him to the vet to get him checked out. This stuff is everywhere. It’s really a reaction to your own flora. Do you do yoga?”“No.”“It’s very common among wrestlers because of the mats and sweat and body contact.”“No wrestling and unfortunately no body contact.”“You could have gotten it anywhere. If your immune system is compromised from stress or HIV or chemotherapy…”“Stress is my hobby these days,” I said. “Everything feels itchy, doc, like especially my head.”“Do you want me to check your scalp?” “Please.”I took down my bun and into my dirty hair he plunged with bare hands. I felt ashamed but grateful that somebody was touching me.“You’re good,” he said.“Thank you for making me feel like a human being. Really…”He smiled.But as I drove to the pharmacy, I still felt depressed and still felt like using. Why? The answer, as usual, came in a phone call from my friend, addictionologist and psychiatrist Dr. Howard Wetsman.“I understand people being scared about the ringworm because of its name and reputation. But what you’re experiencing is being shunned and isolated. People are treating you like your presence can hurt them. Even medical people are treating you like a second-class citizen. Is this really about a skin fungus or is this reminding you of what it’s like to be a person with addiction?” he asked.Whoa. “When we’re isolated or feel ‘less than,’ the dopamine receptors in the reward center actually stop being available. You can’t feel your own dopamine as well as before. We need those receptors to keep up dopamine tone, and without that we’re back to feeling restless, irritable, and discontented. And that only goes to one place, right?”“Yeah I really wanted to use and it freaked me out.”“When you’re an addict and your dopamine tone is lowered, your brain goes ‘we gotta fix this fast.’ It doesn’t care if it’s an éclair or heroin or death…”“That’s why I’ve been smoking…”“Nicotine will give you dopamine for sure. But let’s talk bigger picture. When we go to treatment and we’re told to sit down and shut up, when we’re treated like stupid people who abused a substance that everyone else was smart enough to stay away from, when we’re told to wait three hours sitting on broken plastic chairs for someone who doesn’t give a shit, the deck is stacked against the treatment working. No healthcare system that systematically lowers people’s dopamine, much less one that treats addiction, will succeed,” he told me.“It’s the same in the rooms,” he continued. “The reason the 12 steps work is because you don’t have to feel ‘better than’ to not be ‘less than.’ The two messages you should get from an AA meeting are that you are never alone again and you aren’t less than anyone. But when people don’t sponsor with love, when some old-timer wants to be the boss, when it’s all about some guy with more time being right instead of helping, you lose those messages. That’s not a problem with the message; that’s a problem with the messenger. Don’t let the messenger fuck up the message. You aren’t less than anyone!”I sign every copy of My Fair Junkie with “fuck shame” and I don’t think I really knew why until just now. For more on dopamine and feeling "less than," check out Dr. Wetsman's youtube talk.

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pitz182 · 5 years

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Ring of Shame: How Getting Ringworm Triggered My Alcoholism

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jbbarnesnnoble · 4 years

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Hello lovely people! And welcome to my first writting challenge. The aim of this challenge is to shine a light on mental health, medical conditions, and the things that can have impacts on us. This started out initially being a PCOS Awareness challenge but through conversations on the TCC discord, it’s become a challenge surrounding mental health in general.

This challenge will run through September 15th, 2020. It will run through part of Mental Health Awareness Month, through Pride Month, and through part of PCOS Awareness Month. I probably have too many prompts, but I wanted to ensure that there was a wide array to choose from.

The Rules:

2. Use #JBBNNMHAMChallenge to tag your fic

3. Dark!Fic- I was up in the air on allowing dark!fic in the challenge. Due to the subject matter involved in this challenge, please don’t submit dark!fic. I enjoy dark fics, but this challenge isn’t the place for them.

4. Smut- Smut is welcome! Make sure you tag it appropriately.

5. No inc*st, dubcon/noncon, underage, etc

6. Ships- I prefer reader inserts, but show me what ya got

7. Selecting Prompts: Just let me know which one you want to do! 2 people per prompt! The song prompts have a line from them under it. You DO NOT need to use the line in your submission! It’s mostly to help you decide if you’re interested in a song before you take a listen to it. The song prompts are broken down into ‘support’, ‘general’, and ‘grief’ but feel free to use them as you see fit. I categorized them mostly for organization

8. Trigger Warnings: Use warnings as needed. Fics dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or other mental health issues should be tagged appropriately to ensure that readers that may be triggered by the subject matter can avoid the fic. Trigger warnings are non-negotiable

The prompts are under the cut!

Prompts:

Dialogue Prompts:

“You never have to ask, you know that right? Say the word, and I’ll do it.” ( @whistlingwillows )

“Would you believe me if I said it’s because I love you? I’d give you the world if you asked.” ( @jbbuckybarnes )

“I promise you. One day, it will get easier. Those feelings might never fully go away, but it will get easier.” ( @imnotasuperhero )

“You ever feel like you can’t breathe? Like the whole world is collapsing in on itself and no one notices? No one cares? Like you can’t escape it?” ( @nekoannie-chan )

“It’d probably be easier if you left”

“Please leave me alone”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it. What part of that is hard for you to understand?” ( @sweetwritesx )

“I wish I could believe you when you said that.” ( @evansweaters )

“How do you even begin to move on?” ( @blackwidowballet )

“You sure about that, moonman?”

“I don’t know. All I do know is I don’t belong here” (@buckybarnesplumwhore)

“That’s not true. And I will tell you that every day of your life until you believe me.”

Sentence Prompts:

Feel free to adjust the pronouns as needed

It was a day. It was the only way it could be described.

The feeling stuck like super glue, unable to be shaken away with a few whispered words and comforting hugs. ( @buckybarney )

You never knew something could hurt like this, that emotional pain could resonate so strongly through every atom of your body. (@buckybarnesplumwhore)

That smile. He/she missed that smile. ( @bethycupcake )

It was progress. Baby steps forward. Maybe it wouldn’t all be okay today, but someday? It would be. ( @trillian-anders )

The list of medications that had been tried seemed like it was a mile long. ( @buckyreaderrecs)

If you had another condescending doctor tell you your problem wasn’t a problem you were going to scream.

The warmth of the sun fell over you like a blanket in the middle of winter. ( @avintagekiss24 )

Today was going to be good.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that this was going south.

AU and Trope Prompts:

Soulmate

College

Childhood Friends

Friends to Lovers

Enemies to Lovers

Musicians

Writer

Professional Athlete

Teacher

Coffee Shop

Fake Dating

Accidental Marriage

Royal

Librarian

Neighbors ( @shakespeareanqueer )

Song Prompts:

Support:

1. Nobody Ever Told You - Carrie Underwood

Lyric Snippet: “Wish you could see yourself the way I do. Nobody ever told you, nobody ever told you. Shine like a diamond, glitter like gold, and you need to know what nobody ever told you”

2. Missing You - All Time Low

3. Barefoot and Bruise - Jamestown Story Lyric Snippet: “Maybe when your sky comes crashing down, I can be your angel on the ground. If you get tired and can’t go on, I will carry you along, when the rocks below your feet wear out your shoes, when you’re barefoot and bruised”

4. Hold On Till May- Pierce the Veil Lyric Snippet: “If were you, I’d put that away. See you’re just wasted and thinking about the past again. Darling, you’ll be okay.”

5. This Song Saved My Life - Simple Plan Lyric Snippet: “You let me know like no one else that it’s okay to be myself” ( @captain-kelli )

General: 1. It Feels Like - 1551 Lyric Snippet: “No I’m not fine, every second is a record of why, I live my life never doing things right”

2. Sunrise - 1551 Lyric Snippet: “Nightmare that’s not gonna stop, it’s darkness you’re not gonna stop”

3. Home - Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors, Beba Rexha Lyric Snippet: “All these miles, feet, inches, they can’t add up to the distance that I have been through just to get to a place where even if there’s no closure I’m still safe. I still ache from trying to keep pace. Somebody give me a sign, I’m starting to lose faith”

4. Broken Arrows - Daughtry Lyric Snippet: “The best of intentions I lay at your feet. And I need you to see past the worst part of me.”

5. Used - Serious Matters Lyric Snippet: “The wounds are gone and the pain still lingers. But this time I won’t stand by, I don’t need you in my life”

6. Unsteady - X Ambassadors Lyric Snippet: “Hold on to me, ‘cause I’m a little unsteady, a little unsteady” ( @jamesbarnesappreciationclub )

7. Let It Land - Tonight Alive Lyric Snippet: “And everything we hate is something we just bought along the line”

8. Cold As You - Taylor Swift Lyric Snippet: “You put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey. And I stood there loving you and wished them all away. And you come away with a great little story, of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you”

9. Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift Lyric Snippet: “Hold on, baby you’re losing it. The water’s high, you’re jumping into it, and letting go, and no one knows. That you cry but you don’t tell anyone that you might not be the golden one. And you’re tied together with a smile, but you’re coming undone.”

10. Human Interaction - Tonight Alive Lyric Snippet: “I don’t know love. I don’t know hate. I am numb. Wish I could find the words to say. Asking please, as colors fade. I need to breathe. Before I turn the world to grey.”

Grief:

1. Jersey On the Wall (I’m Just Asking) - Tenille Townes

2. Five More Minutes - Scotty McCreery

3. Dad’s Old Number - Cole Swindell

4. The Other Side - Lauren Alaina

Lyric Snippet: “There’s gonna be a lot of sadness on a lot of happy days, I’ll try to think of this moment, this place”

5. I Was Here - Beyonce

6. Gone Too Soon - Simple Plan

7. Amelia - Tonight Alive

Lyric Snippet: “And you will always be perfect, you’ll always be beautiful, our hearts, will never forget you. You didn’t belong here, and it’s become so clear why heaven called your name.”

#JBBNNMHAMChallenge #writing challenge #marvel #mcu #marvel writing challenge #steve rogers #bucky barnes #natasha romanoff #bucky barnes/reader #steve rogers/reader #wanda maximoff/reader #tony stark/reader #tony stark #sam wilson #natasha romanoff/reader #sam wilson/reader

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emlydunstan · 5 years

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Ring of Shame: How Getting Ringworm Triggered My Alcoholism

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 https://www.thefix.com/ring-shame-how-getting-ringworm-triggered-my-alcoholism

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