#but survivors guilt amirite

[amusingmyselfsblog]

Andromeda and Sirius Black

I was going to make this short and sweet, but once I started typing I couldn’t stop. so here’s a lengthy read on my (re) newest obsession. about 99% canon complaint. not every good with numbers, me.

my headcanon is that one of the reasons andromeda and sirius got along so well during family functions is that they both loved music. musical geniuses both of them. (maybe sirius picked it up from andromeda who always played the piano/violin whenever she got her hands on one and he started picking up on it too).

i don’t think andy married ted right after hogwarts. she gave birth to tonks at 20 or 21 old. so that give her about six years after hogwarts to secretly get to know ted and muggle london. so sirius and andromeda spent the holidays together when their families celebrated. while i do think she kept ted a secret from everyone, sirius started suspecting something. cause she’d sneak her and sirius out of the family celebration to go see broadway west end musicals.

and she knew her way around muggle london far too well. he cleverly tries getting her to spill the tea but she’s far more clever about it. keeping her muggleborn boyfriend a secret from her nosy sisters and her bigoted parents keep her on her toes. she’s not going to slip up her to nosy thirteen year old cousin so matter how much she likes him.

so anyways, she takes him to a musical and sirius is so suprised. first of all, he’s got so much new musical material to obsess over. secondly, he’s so curious about how muggles are setting everything up. (he’s taken a good look, there’s no charms no transfiguration no magic involved at all). he gets so curious he has to know. so next year at hogwarts, he takes muggle studies to learn more to the detriment of his parents.

no one tells sirius that andromeda left. it happens about two years later when he’s at hogwarts. and it seems to him that everyone found out before he did. he’s getting snide remarks from the pure bloods that run in the same circle as his family. nobody tells him what’s happened. not his mother or his father. not bella (not even to make fun of his close relationship to a blood traitor which is weird because that’s one of her favorite pastimes). not narcissa but she certainly didn’t have a problem writing to regulus and letting him know. and certainly not andy.

the last he’s seen her was the summer before fifth year when they snuck out into muggle London and she confessed to him that bellatrix took the dark mark. and how her parents wanted her to marry a lestrange and take the dark mark too since bella had set the precedent. and all he can think of now is what the final straw was for andy. but he doesn’t know because nobody in the family said anything to him. eventually he seeks out regulus (looong story here because these two cannot have a civil conversation for more than 3 minutes) but eventually regulus takes pity on him and give him the tea. but that’s the last time he’s heard anything about andromeda black. nobody has seen her since. and nobody has heard from her since. not even him, to his sorrow.

when he goes home that summer there’s a surprise awaiting him. he’s expected to take the dark mark now that he’s sixteen years old. again thanks to bella for setting the precedent. he’s obviously refusing. but he doesn’t know where to go. james is pretty angry with him over the prank he pulled on snape. remus avoids him eyes. peter ducks him head every time he sees sirius. the one ally he had was his cousin andy but he doesn’t know how to reach her. he knows that she’s now andromeda tonks but that’s all. it’s so frustrating and heartbreaking.

the night before he’s supposed to be taken to get the dark mark, he leaves. there’s shouting, there’s items being thrown, there’s tears, there’s pleas. but he leaves anyway. he knows him and james are at odds but james would never turn him away. he was his best friend dammit. and he knew deep in heart despite remus and peter choosing james over him, that james was just as miserable without sirius as sirius was without him …

… and he wasn’t wrong. the moment james saw sirius in his foyer, there was nothing but tears and laughter and all was forgiven between the two. and that ended up being one of the best summers they had.

andy didn’t know about sirius leaving and being disowned. she was married to a muggleborn and she knew some members of her family would eventually come after her. so she and ted quietly left the wizarding world. she wanted to reach out to sirius — she truly did — but by the time she and ted settled down and found a safe place to live, she was expecting a baby girl. she had new priorities now.

andy has a lot of regrets about that. she finds out in the obituary that regulus died. she didn’t know about her uncle Alphard leaving gold to sirius and being wiped off the tapestry. she just find his obituary in the daily prophet and is saddened. he was her favorite. he was very funny and always made her laugh. she finds out about sirius in the daily prophet. just as the war ends and she’s finally breathes a sigh of relief that her family is spared, she reaches for the newspaper and sees sirius’s face staring back at her. ted looks over her shoulder to see what caught her attention. he tries consoling her but she just shrugs everything off Iike it means nothing. it’s only when she’s alone that she allows herself to think and cry. she blames herself obviously. if only she reached out to him instead of leaving him to fend for himself without her. if only she hasn’t introduced him to muggle London … now he’s kiIIed 13 of them. he was just like them.

years later, when he escapes azkaban, she’s truly afraid. if he came after her husband, she wouldn’t know what to do. she only finds out the truth after the second war. and she’s truly going through it now.

first that sirius was innocent the whole time and she doubted him. why did she do that? why was she so quick to believe he could have behaved like that?

second that her daughter knew he was innocent and kept it from her!

third that remus lupin sat at her dinning table and lied to her face when he said he didn’t know how sirius died or who kiIIed him.

fourth that regulus regulus was one of the first people who tried to bring the Dark Lord down. while he was a death eater. at seventeen!

fifth that narcissa did the same. narcissa lied to the Dark Lord and saved Harry Potter. narcissa dammit. her selfish, self serving sister did that. she didn’t know how to feel.

sixth that it was bella who kiIIed sirius. sirius who was innocent the whole damn time and was a member of the order of the phoenix. how could have bella done that?

seventh that bella also kiIIed her daughter. her daughter. her sister kiIIed her daughter. and all of this happened while she sat at home safe and sound. she would never forgive herself.

she always was burdened by having Black blood. she always hated it. but the Blacks of her generation did more for both wars than she could have ever imagined. she sat there thinking they were all cowards for not being as brave as her for leaving their bigoted family legacy behind. but every single one of them played a vital part in ending the war. sirius, regulus, and narcissa. hell even her daughter, dora, and her sister’s son, draco. she would never ever forgive herself.

#andromeda is being too hard on herself #but survivors guilt amirite #she’s a mess #i feel sorry for her #sirius black #sirius and james #james potter #regulus black #narcissa black #andromeda black #andromeda tonks #nymphadora tonks #draco malfoy #bellatrix lestrange #noble house of black #harry potter #remus lupin #i hurt myself writing this #maybe I should become a writer

[zalrb]

SPEAKING OF DErs SHIFTING GOALPOSTS

So, I blocked this anon because like I said, in this stage of my tumblr tenure, when it comes to TVD, I’m more interested in discussing things with shippers of my ships and not arguing with antis. However, that doesn’t mean I won’t sometimes discuss asks with said shippers. Originally, I went through each of anon’s arguments point by point in excruciating detail with multiple images and gifs but a) tumblr doesn’t like that it seems, even when I split my response into two posts b) it’s not anything new, my responses to those arguments can be found in the master list, which means I’m only going to focus on the beginning when anon uses a different approach to the same old argument.  

So, here’s the ask:

this is an example of applying your own connotations to a scene and deliberately misinterpreting context to fit your argument because first of all, here are all the appearances of Wickery Bridge when Stefan and Elena are together in seasons 1 and 2

Here are the appearances of Wickery Bridge pre-sirebond

Season Three

Our Town

Break On Through

The Departed

Appearances during sirebond

Season Four

We All Go a Little Mad Sometimes

Appearances post-sirebond

Season Five

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Season Six

I'm Thinking Of You All The While (Elena's hallucinations)

Season Eight

You Decided That I Was Worth Saving (Altered Memory)

Second of all, Wickery Bridge doesn’t actually represent Elena’s survivor guilt, Wickery Bridge represents change and transition in Elena’s life.

The first accident transitions her to this change/phase of her life:

which begets this change:

and that comes along with another change:

When she talks to Matt in 3x11, she doesn’t lament the fact that she’s alive and that her parents are dead -- in fact, that’s so far from her mind that Matt makes a crack about her jumping

 what she’s lamenting is that she’s far from the girl she was pre-accident

And I’m just going to get this out of the way now because I can see people saying that since Elena is nervous about letting her old self go in 3x11 and then she says to Stefan “it’s OK to let her go” in 4x07, it’s proof that Elena was too scared to choose Damon in season 3, I’m just going to post a screenshot of all the links in the masterlist I have that explain what 3x22 means so you can go there if you want to read about the whole “Elena was scared” debate

and I’m going to spell out the context of 3x11, which is two-fold.

1. Elena had been trying to do something normal and high school for Caroline (the director was so dumb for having Elena wear the tiara before giving it to Caroline, this is why people hate her)

and even when they accommodate that to suit Caroline’s grief of her human life, it’s still a day where she’s not dealing with the supernatural, she’s just hanging out with her friends like she did before she the accident

and that sense of normalcy gets interrupted by a bunch of complexities i.e Stefan taking her and psyching Klaus out by threatening to drive Elena off the very bridge where he saved her life

and because she knows the complexities and the nuances of the situation, despite what had just happened, she still loves him

2. She made a morally complicated i.e. questionable decision by having Damon compel Jeremy to want to leave and Bonnie had been giving her shit about it  because she’s messing with Jeremy’s free will

and yeah there’s her attraction to Damon

but who cares about that amirite? Watching this scene was hilarious because of how not angsty it was, especially in comparison to something like 3x14? (If you want to read some meta about Damon and Elena in season 3 or the triangle in general, refer to the master list)

so Matt is telling her it’s OK to let her pre-accident sense of normalcy go. It’s also interesting to note this

because of what Matt has said about Stefan’s relationship to Elena in the past:

The scene is about rebirth

very much like when Stefan brought everyone together in 4x02 and Elena lights a lantern for her human self, so she grieve and she can heal and she can move on

which is very much like 3x20, Stefan tells her it’s OK to stop and grieve, to feel, to be in connection with her emotions

which is very much like 2x20, when he tells her to stop running from her emotions, to embrace the grief and find the beauty

In 4x06 when Elena is on Wickery Bridge and she’s hallucinating her mother, her hallucination is not cursing her for living while they’re dead, her hallucination is saying that her vampirism is monstrous

because again, when she was driven off the bridge in 3x22 that was a transition into another phase of her life

and when Damon throws her back into the water, that’s supposed to be another form of rebirth

what I do find so telling about this scene is that while Damon may be the one who threw her into the water and said absolutely nothing that got through to her

it was Stefan and Jeremy who actually got the curse to stop

In 5x04, Elena is taking Stefan through a crash-course of their relationship and Julie Plec said that Stefan saving Elena when her parents’ car went off Wickery Bridge was the beginning of their love story:

  In my mind, Elena’s parents are dead. It was a human accident, and a human tragedy, and as we know, the night that Stefan pulled her out of the water and saved her life. That was kind of the beginning of their love story. 

and him choosing to help Matt first in 3x22 solidified the beauty and transcendental nature of that love story:

‘What do you mean you don’t buy it? That’s the entire freakin foundation of Stefan and Elena’s relationship…that he respects her choice’. And this is her choice. And she’s saying to you ‘help him first’. I said to him, that your not leaving her to die, you’re just helping him first. And unfortunately, time has run out and then she dies before he can get back there but you know…it’s the beauty of the dynamic of your relationship and the fundamental thing that separates Damon and Elena from Stefan and Elena.

So it makes sense that they’re seeing it here:

Just because for certain viewers the bridge is representative of Elena’s survivor’s  guilt doesn’t mean that it actually is.

In terms of the rest of it, it’s all in the master list, I can reblog some posts that directly with these arguments but one thing I always find really funny about: 

“Elena having recurring thoughts of death and guilt that she didn’t die during the time she was with/loved Stefan is not a sign of being brought back to life”

besides this

is, IF she thinks about death in seasons 1 and 2, it’s not because she isn’t healing from the accident, it’s because vampires and werewolves and originals are literally trying to kill her every other day

and does Elena allow them to? No. This apparently suicidal, guilt-ridden girl who only thinks about death and dying fights to live each and every time

Which is all to say, DErs never have new arguments, even when they think they do.

#EVERYONE READ THIS CURSED FUCKING POST #stelena #stefan salvatore #elena gilbert #the vampire diaries #dobsley #paul wesley #nina dobrev #stefan x elena #elena x stefan #tvd

[hopebvllet]

What shape does your pain take?

Chains

You have chains, keeping you linked to something you'd rather leave behind. Maybe this is a bad family, traumatic event, toxic relationship... But something's keeping you trapped there, and you don't know how to escape it.

You can turn the chain around, to help you instead of trap you... Can't you?

Tagged by: Hand picked off the dash lmao

Tagging: No u

#tag meme #// oof #gotta love that survivor's guilt amirite fellas?

[yi-dashi]

//My morning musings.

  If I take any established timelines and lore phrasing as written, then most of Yi’s village is one giant ‘We never see the body.’ Yi left for war supposedly some time after it began. At a year after, Noxus rocked up and totally annihilated the place. Chem bombs and all that. Interestingly, the border of Noxian lands in Bahrl falls right on whatever magical tomfoolery is going on in Yi’s village, but that’s some musings for another time on Bahrl and its terrain.

  Yi did not come back for years later supposedly, as he saw through the entirety of the war. He came back to ruins and skeletons without knowing why they were there straight away. The cause of death aside, I can’t imagine the state of the dead. Maybe he could identify people by dress or location, but what’s to say people weren’t scattered by animals, or the bombings, or the magical corruption there? When you return somewhere to find everyone unrecognizably dead, how do you even go about cleaning up?

  How many people did Yi actually bury, knowing exactly who they were? Is it possible he only buried a few, and many of the graves are mixed skeletons or otherwise empty? Perhaps the mountainous environment aided in identification. I don’t want to go too deep into decay science though. Yi had a number of years to sort out the village, keep the magical vines under control, and otherwise build his guilt graveyard. I have to wonder if even he is unsure, with hindsight, about all the graves he has dug. ‘Not enough time to grieve.’ He says.

  If I can take away anything from how he’s been shown interacting with the graveyard of Wuju, it’s that he’s at least sure of his parents, and sure of Doran. He’s not even sure of his own Wuju Master, which is perhaps why he never brought him up (it’s not that he didn’t exist yet shhhh). I’ve never much wanted to consider the idea that people survived, if only because I’ve always found it more compelling to explore a targeted cleansing that was more than successful. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if Doran was still out there somewhere, just on the power of name recognition alone pfft

#ooc #lighthearted morning musings amirite #Doran gets to live because he is like an essential Oblivion NPC #he just fell over then got back up like 'welp' loooool #I've normally headcanoned that Yi was on the coattails of everything #I think because of some old lore wording that he saw people twisted and insane by the poisons #or at least made reference to that effect #and therefore had to have been present very soon after #There's nothing like that in newest lore so I like the vibe #It's less overblown angst and very silently tragic #and in comparison Yi is also a lot more silently grief stricken about it #Yi's guilt is less a vengeance driven thing and more a survivor's guilt thing #CW: Death

[mailboxmerchant]

winning!Ranmaru Kageyama x Reader: What Have You Done?!

a/n: i just finished the most recent installment in yttd andn holy fuck,,,,,,winner! ranmaru just. holy shit! i love him so much. (also i guess you sort of take saras place? like shes there but youre ranmarus buddy instead and uhh hc that she got joe’s doll for a partner because i love thme) hgnghgh)\

also please leave requests!!! please!!!! for almost any character from almst any fandom!!!!!! please!!!!!!

also this is....a long one. probably gonna be a two parter! <3

“I’ll hold him back, just go! Reko...she....she’s-” 

Watching with the others in the classroom as Kurumada held Ranmaru to the ground by his head, you looked down at Ranmaru’s pleading expression. 

Before you could reach for him though, you were quickly ushered out by your panicked friends and allies.

Ranmaru....what did you...

◤...three hours prior to this...◢

“Keiji! I’m here! Please come out, everyone is so worried!”

“y/n....”

“Are you...there Keiji?”

A hand that clamped around your shoulder sent you into shock as you sprawled forward to the ground. “Waugh!!! Wh-who!?!?” You whipped yourself around to face a concerned looking Ranmaru.

“Heya y/n.” He said with a smirk and a wave. “Gah! Ranmaru, you scared me...!”

“Clearly.” He smiled as he offered a hand out to you. You gave him a pleased smile as you took his hand. “So....Keiji was a no-show, huh?” 

“I mean, Sara was too worried to go alone so I offered to go in her place...but it looks like we should have followed Keiji’s instructions, huh?” You laughed dejectedly, as the missing friendly policeman’s absence was beginning to create a deep worry in the back of your mind. 

The expression on your face seemed to clearly resemble your disappointment of not finding him, as a pair of fingers snapped out in front of you. 

“Heeey? Earth to y/n, I asked you a question. You alright?” 

You gave a curt, polite nod. “Sorry, yeah, what did you say again?”

Ranmaru sighed as he patted your back, “Man, you’re a mess today, eh? I asked....ᶦᶠ ʸᵒᵘ ᵍᵃᵛᵉ ᵃⁿʸ ᵗʰᵒᵘᵍʰᵗ ᵗᵒ ʷʰᵃᵗ ᴹᵃᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ....” The last part was quietly spoken, but you heard what he said, and you knew what he meant.

“What!? You mean about what she about....winning?” Ranmaru’s uneasy expression meant that was exactly what he was talking about. 

“We can’t! E-everyone has been...working so hard together, and with you all as our new allies-” “They’re not all your allies. We were made to get rid of you humans, but Maple told me something the rest of them don’t know. Why won’t you let me act on it?! I can save us, save you!”

“That’s enough! I can’t...hear you say that. Not you, Ranmaru, please.” 

“You wouldn’t have to do anything, y/n, I swore I’d protect you. Reko, Sara, Keiji, everyone! I’ll kill them, and I’ll get you out of this horrible game!”

As if the idea of winning crossing Ranmaru’s mind at all hadn’t hurt enough to hear about, here was your partner for this entire floor’s length of horrors telling you he’d kill all your allies to save the both of you.

Ranmaru wasn’t wrong. You were tired. You wanted to go home. You missed your friends, and your regular old life. You adored Ranmaru, and even without knowing what to do after this could end, you wanted to have him by your side.

What am I thinking?!

“Ranmaru! I don’t want you to protect me. I want us to all escape together, and I could never ask you to betray our allies!”

Something about the way you delivered that line stuck with Ranmaru though. You couldn’t ask him? Then you didn’t have to. He’d help you, and he’d take all the responsibility too. All the guilt, the hardships, the terror? He could handle it...if it was for you. You and him were going to win, and you were going to live. And after all his efforts, maybe, just maybe, you could be his.

And with the seeds sown, Ranmaru’s mind began racing with ways to get every single human and doll eliminated before they could realize what was going on. 

And that would begin with the lovely, unknowing Ms. Reko.

◤...present time...◢

“Oh...no....” Sara uttered, her breath entirely taken away from the sight before us.

The magnetic trap mechanism in the locker room had been activated while Reko was in it. “Reko, please, no...holy shit...” Q-taro mourned. Her grotesquely snapped neck was just barely holding her entirely hanging body to the ceiling by her collar.

Everyone was whispering their words of loss and grief. You couldn’t speak though. You instantly made the connection between Kuramada tackling Ranmaru and what he had said about getting here quickly. This was preventable. And actually....

This was your fault.

Ranmaru wanted you to win, and he wanted you to take him with you. You didn’t chastise him enough to stop this, and now Reko’s blood and tears were on your hands. 

The quiet stip-step of shoes tapping on the concrete floor sprung you from your remorseful daze. “y-y/n...I swear...I didn’t-” 

A louder, heavier pair of feet could be heard hitting the solid ground harshly. 

“Bastard! You’ll pay for what you’ve done!! My trust, their trust, you’ve ruined everything!” Kurumada went in for a swing as Ranmaru barely dodged him, bumping his backside into your front.

“NO! It wasn’t me! I wasn’t even anywhere near this room, I was with y/n!” 

“That was a whole goddamn hour ago, you lying piece a’ shit! You woulda been in the control room well after that!”

“Why would I kill Reko?! I had no motive to kill the humans, our tasks were erased and our connections were cut! I would never-”

“Bullshit. No motive? What was all that crap about winning for, then?”

Ranmaru fell silent.

“You...you thought I was dead. And you thought you could leave the transceiver on and cheer yourself on for winning the game, huh?!”

Ranmaru’s silence persisted, your stomach dropping further than you thought possible. 

He took a slow inhale...

“Yeah. I did think you were dead, but now I see you’re just as big of an obstacle as ever. All you damn dolls. I’ll get rid of you all, and y/n and I are gonna win.”

“Ranmaru...”

“I didn’t think I’d get caught on the first try, I mean geez! I really hoped it’d be easier than this, that I could be stealthy, but apparently not...” 

It was like his entire demeanor changed. His usual hesitance to speak, his more crouched and small frame, and his kind meekness were all completely stripped away, replaced by this malicious, devious darkness that seemed to emanate off his body.

“Well, well! Somethin’ fun’s happening in here, amirite?!”

“M-Midori!?” You cried out as his arm creepily slung around your shoulder. You backed away as Ranmaru stayed staring him down. “Ohh, what perfect timing. Midori...I have a deal for you, something to keep this game interesting.” Ranmaru sounded like a perfect copy of Midori, it was beginning to frighten you. Reko’s body still left all the survivors in shock, no one but the three dolls who were as lively as ever being able to speak.

“ ᴿᵃⁿᵐᵃʳᵘ...ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ, ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ...“ You finally uttered. 

“What might this deal be, my pathetic doll?” Scoffing at his comment, Ranmaru pleads with him, “If you could just please...kill the dolls. Leave me as the sole doll and I swear I’ll give you a show you’ll never forget.” You weren’t sure what made you sicker, the grin that was spread across both Ranmaru’s and Midori’s faces, or the dark tone Ranmaru suddenly took, his genuineness shining through. He would kill every survivor. You might really win, and you still didn’t know what to think about it. 

The tension in the room was so thick you could slice through it with a knife. Everyone's eyes were trained on you, Ranmaru, and Midori. You felt sick, the energy of the room suffocating you slowly.

"I think I could do something like that."

As if it couldn't drop any lower, your organs practically just disappeared from inside you. "H-hey, you're not...serious, are ya?" Q-taro finally spoke up, the first of the survivors to actually something.

"Why wouldn't I be? This deal is of great benefit to me....and y/n it seems." Midori's tucked in smile sent shivers down your spine as he stared at you with his widened eyes.

"First though...the banquet has to happen."

The reminder brought the most sincere relief you'd ever felt in your life. You still had time to convince Ranmaru not to go through with his ridiculous sabotage plan.

The room calmed as everyone slowly and hesitantly made their way back to the graveyard. How was anyone supposed to work together after something like that...?

◤...to be continued (eventually)...◢

I HAD TO END THIS BECAUSE I WAS SLOWLY FORGETTING WHERE I WAS GOING WITh thIS SO ILL START WITH THE BANQUET IN THE NEXT PART TY FOR READING PLEASE REQUESTS MWAH ILY BYE BYE<3

#ranmaru kageyama #ranmaru #ranmaru yttd #ranmaru kageyama yttd #ranmaru x reader #ranmaru kageyama x reader #yttd x reader #x reader #yttd #ranmaru x reader yttd #yttd ranmaru x reader #kageyama ranmaru x reader #your turn to die #your turn to die fanfic #your turn to die ranmaru #ranmaru your turn to die

[unlikelyescapes]

[Let’s just pretend I haven’t been MIA and hop right back into it, eh?

I don’t think Kaz really wants revenge, not for its own sake. He tries to use revenge to satisfy a couple of his real wants:

As regards the future, a reason he’s alive, to appease his survivor’s guilt. Blaming Pekka Rollins for directly killing Jordie is a stretch and Kaz knows it. At first it was a survival instinct, just to give him a reason to crawl out of the harbour and keep crawling. Now he understands human nature better, he’s aware that he’s casting Pekka as his personal pantomime villain to motivate himself, but he keeps doing it because he hasn’t found any better life goals yet. Tbh he does this with a lot of things. He arbitrarily sets himself goals to achieve (see: stealing supposedly unstealable paintings he doesn’t really want), because why else drag your fleshly husk out of bed today amirite lads? How Kaz’s motivations change could be its own post but the tl;dr would be, he’s inspired to have another go at tackling his phobia, this time with a support system so it works better.

As regards the past, a way to make sense of Jordie’s death, and to regain control over a situation in which he was powerless. Setting Pekka up as a paper tiger for him to knock down makes him feel like he’s doing something for Jordie. And this hangup is more difficult to deal with than #1, because he can’t change the past. He can’t make sense of something that was just senseless. And the weird... fevered... ambiguous mode of Jordie’s death prevents Kaz from leaving it behind him and moving forward. He got absolutely no closure at all, to the extent that he’s never sure Jordie really died and still half-expects him to show up at any moment. And because he never talks about it, it keeps just not feeling real. But then he confesses it to Inej. And just saying, conclusively, that his brother died and is dead (implicitly, that there’s nothing he can do about it anymore) is a small step in the right direction.

So yeah, I don’t think Kaz will ever get around to killing Pekka, or even necessarily torment him too much more. The wholesome reason is that he starts finding better reasons to live and ways to cope with his past. The less-wholesome reason is that, as Kaz himself points out, the fear that he might do something is worse than anything he could actually do.]

#out of touch { ooc } #headcanon

[codenameyan]

Manon Hawke’s character progression.

More backstory details under the cut. It’s a long ‘un.

Age 15 — Pre-mage Before Manon discovers her magic. Bethany has just started showing signs of her own mage abilities at the age of 8. Malcolm starts focusing a little more of his attention on training Bethany.

Age 17 — Mage Just shortly before her mage powers manifested themselves, Manon’s irises changed from black to gold, an Amell family trait. Bethany also sports the same eye colour. Malcolm starts training Manon as well.

Age 23 — Blood Mage A year after Malcolm dies. Manon is left to shoulder the responsibility of protecting her mother and younger siblings. She believes that blood magic would give her that much-needed edge in battle, forbidden or not. Her hair and skin starts to lose pigmentation the more she uses it over time.

Age 25 — Kirkwall Bethany is killed by an ogre when the Hawke family flees to Kirkwall to escape the Fifth Blight. A year after that, in an expedition to the Deep Roads, Carver becomes mortally tainted with the Blight. Manon makes the decision to hand him over to the Grey Wardens, not knowing if she’ll ever see him again. Manon’s relationship with her mother almost comes to a breaking point.

Age 29 — Joining Kirkwall’s nobility The treasures found from the expedition elevates Manon’s position and status in Kirkwall, and she joins the Kirkwall nobility. She slowly masters Force magic as a supplementary skill to her blood magic. In the lap of luxury, she finally allows herself to rest and enjoy what her new wealth has to offer. She falls in love with Anders and he moves in with her.

Age 32 — Arishok invasion Leandra dies a horrific death at the hands of a blood mage. Unable to come to terms with losing yet another family member under her watch, Manon becomes self-destructive. Often drunk, she turns extremely aggressive, picking fights with just about anyone she comes across. When the Arishok invaded, Manon is more than happy to lend a hand. Reckless with herself and her usage of blood magic, she unknowingly causes irreparable damage to herself. She meets Carver halfway during the battle, alive and part of the Grey Wardens, and it snaps her out of her grief. After the attack, the two siblings mourned the death of their family members before going their separate ways once more.

Knight-Commander Meredith gives Manon the title Champion of Kirkwall for her aid against the Qunari invasion.

Age 35 — Chantry explosion On the subject of mages or templars, Manon never explicitly states her support for either side. She inwardly agrees with the mages but never ventures to make her opinions known, for fear it would jeopardise her status in Kirkwall, being a mage herself. She tries to justify this in her own head, claiming that she deserves the good life after all the pain and loss, that she would be able to do more as a noble. The guilt of her selfishness sits like a lump in her throat.

When Anders blows up the Chantry, Manon has to come face-to-face with the results of her own inaction. For the love they share, Manon spares Anders and together, they defend the mages and bring down Knight-Commander Meredith. After, Manon tells Anders to leave even though it kills her to do so. She tells him she can’t bring herself to look at the person who destroyed her only chance at a good life. Whether she truly meant Anders or herself, Manon didn’t know.

She flees Kirkwall on Isabela’s ship where she promptly hacks off her long hair. “To protect my identity,” she jokes, but it doesn’t fool anyone. There is too much pain in Kirkwall.

Age 36 — Inquisition Manon’s body can no longer sustain her after her reckless use of blood magic. Internal hemorrhages, a sudden deterioration of stamina and strength, signs of severe anemia — she mainly uses magic now to aid her with day-to-day tasks.

Her name is a rallying cry for all oppressed mages. Trying to atone for her guilt, she spends the past year fighting alongside the rebelling Circle mages whilst keeping an ear out for any word of Anders. When a rift rips the sky in two, Manon redoubles her efforts in searching for Anders. Before she can make much progress however, she is contacted by Varric, asking for her aid in the Inquisition.

*Also regarding Anders and Manon, I feel like my Hawke’s relationship with him was doomed from the start: she was too selfish, too much of a survivor, to truly give so much of herself to a cause (the mage rebellion was 90% her trying to assuage that guilt), and Anders hated blood mages. I like to think he would respect and understand Manon’s blood magic but underneath, he would always view her with a bit of distrust. Good thing they’re never gonna reunite, amirite???

#dragon age #hawke #fem hawke #yan draws #blood tw #body horror tw #manon hawke #some of this may be super canon-divergent but ahhhh well #my english may or may not be bad since i wrote all this in a sleep-deprived haze #also REAL reason why she has white/grey/blonde hair??? it's so I could paint blood on it #everything i do I do it for the Aesthetics(TM)

[softgaychild]

Deadman Wonderland really said “survivor’s guilt? more like survivor is guilty lmao amirite?”

[meiloorun-notthefruit]

Ducktales Fullhouse AU

So I've been pondering over this concept for a long time and I think I've worked it out. Maybe. It's still a plot-in-the-workings, but it's getting there. Tagging at @robinine-blog and @sarroora  and @myopicmickey  because they came up with the idea for this first; I’m only expanding on it.

The AU is Donald Duck, Gladstone Gander, Fethry Duck, Panchito Pistoles, and Jose Carioca are all sharing a house together, while simultaneously raising Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

The thing i was pondering about, with the help of @robinine-blog was why exactly are they all sharing a house? Gladstone and Donald are always squabbling and arguing; they would kill each other if it weren't for Fethry or some plot device to step in and control the situation. (Heck these two fight anyways, regardless of the situation.) But they are family, so they do get along. (thank you European duck cousins comics) But would they get along for an extended amount of time? In the same house? Fethry would be happy to room/move in. He would be jealous and even disappointed if Donald didn't ask. Panchito, Jose, and Donald together make up the Three Caballeros, of course if either of them asked for help/invited each other over, they would all drop everything and flock to each other. But for a permanent living situation, staying in one place? They would both get extremely home sick. Especially Jose (Bahia is home afterall.) So what would cause all six of these birds to come and try to live together, despite all their differences? And all five of them raise three triplets? What on earth indeed.

Della Duck is the triplets' mother, she wouldn't just leave her children (abandon them). (Especially with six bachelors who probably have no idea how to raise children. ) Not unless something happened to her.

Scrooge and Della both disappear. They both disappear on what was supposed to be their last adventure. Depending on where I'm going with this, Donald was either with them on this adventure (do I see some survivor's guilt in the works...) and couldn't get to them in time/sees them disappear right before his eyes. Or Donald was playing babysitter for the triplets and Scrooge and Della went without him. Either ways with both scenarios, he's alone now. And the triplets are motherless and the closest thing to a father figure Donald ever had is also gone. Both his closest relatives are gone and he doesn't even know if their alive (there are no bodies to find if a flash of light took them/if you don't know where they went.)

So what does Donald do? He takes the triplets in. Of course he does, they're his beloved sister's kids, he's their uncle (he loves them). But there's the problem of Scrooge's company. A multi trillion company cannot run itself.

 Donald Duck overnight becomes co-head of his uncle's company. Co-head because Uncle Scrooge left his company to the three duck cousins; Donald, Fethry, and Gladstone (hard to belive amirite? Well I'm grasping straws here mate.)

There is instant uproar over this, but Donald, Fethry, and Gladstone all have bigger fish to fry; a company to run, three ducklings and a whole lot of people who's futures depend on them to not fuck things up. Panchito and Jose are made heads of the overseas/foreign departments of the company. (They’re their own bosses yo) These two have traveled a lot, do not tell me they don't have experience in foreign diplomacy because of that, with the situations they’ve gotten thmeselves into. (Can you tell I love anything to do with the Three Caballeors? :-) ). So all five of these birds are being runned ragged with this company. But they eventually get the hang of it. (shenanigans, so much work. mORE shenanigans)

Scrooge's Will left a house to the heir(s) of the company, so all five plus three move in. Gladstone reluctantly, (but he loves his family, and Scrooge trusted him with part of his life's work), Fethry's all for it (cool I'm co-head of a company. With my fam. Fun stuff). Panchito and Jose move in (it’s the adventures of the Three Caballeros again, but with more high stakes. Woah this is new, but we're all in this together so let's do it), but their going to miss home for awhile, but all Three Caballeros eventually agree that home is what you make of it, and they’re all going to try dammit. Don is just tired and wants his sister and uncle back, but he's glad of the new family they’re all making. 

Huey, Dewey, and Louie grow up in a full house, with five uncles (Uncles Gladstone, Fethry, Panchito, and Jose.) They eventually stumble upon the disappearences of their mother and great uncle, findout that they’re maybe, possibly alive; out there somewhere, with the help of Webby Vanderquack, grandaughter of the housekeeper/spy Betina Beakely who has maintained their great uncle’s house for preservation (and Duckburg history). Along the way they run into many of Scrooge’s adversaries, who ahve also become thier uncles’ adversaries in trying to sabotage the comapny all five of them have worked so hard to maintain up and running.

yay this going to be a complicated au..

so WHOOPS I HAVE FED A PLOTBUNNY/AU

tagging @donaldtheduckdad because they’re good at organizing thoughts for AUs

#ducktales au #ducktales 2017 #ducktales 2017 au #the ducktales fullhouse au #ducktales fullhouse au #WELL THIS IS GOING TO BE A BIG AU #GODS HELP ME WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSLEF INTO #donald duck #gladstone gander #fethry duck #duck cousins #panchito pistoles #jose carioca #The Three Caballeros #ducktales full house au #duck house au

[ryodan]

Every team 7 ship VS NaruHina

To the clique that argued with me in the saltiest of ways, I dedicate to you my first ever anti nh post. I hope you think twice about telling people to kill themselves over your self insert and stop being a pimple on society’s ass.

Let’s start with the one that gets on your tits the most

Naruhina VS Narusaku (The Heaven and The Earth), alternatively titled : stop being angry he liked the hot chick and stop pretending Sakura isnt kushinas parallel

Whenever you feel the need to drag Sakura remember your origin story, @Lunaneko14. Don’t forget your years of defending SS to ride on it’s back lest ns happens

Your ship was here, while the ns fandom had this..no amount of sakura bitterness will change that, @mythicalheartbeat 

Ya boy that she was gorgeous from before team 7’s creation

Before you call Sakura selfish while gratifying Hintata, @fallingforkonoha, remember your void eyed princess entered a fight Tsunade knew not to interfere in knowing she can’t do anything to confess her feelings (at the perfect timing too, really) saying this about herself

A sentiment that continued until her almost final appearance in the manga she took up less than 1% of, as she took a moment to appreciate Narutos, big capable hands in front of her dead cousin . hand holding in front of lavish scenery is so sweet

VS Sakura, the selfish monster  who went in knowing she might get hurt, for him, because she cared greatly about his physical and emotional safety

Remember all those times Hinata just cared so much about his dreams, all those times she was there when he needed her

I love how she always believed in him, unlike Sakura. What a bitch, remember that comment she made in chapter 3 out of 700? Awful.

This QUEEN vs this BITCH, amirite @blackotaku97?

You know whats better than stealing someones ninja way, walmart naruto with a nuclear mushroom cloud of a head? Supporting your precious peoples ninja ways and finding your own.

A common argument that gets thrown around : Hinata was ALWAYS there for him

Sorry, I must have missed her in Narutos speech of the people who saved him from his loneliness and pain

I really like how she sees him miserable and doesn’t help him it’s the epitome of always there

Most of all, you nasty trash can excuse of a human being, I want you to get your head out of your asshole for just 3 seconds and accept that this happened

You can’t change what’s been set in stone

No amount of yapping with a filler movie can change the past. But you know what? Bitches  bark and yap, that’s no surprise

No amount of yapping about the twin lions fist, a head branch hyuga jutsu being hinatas own changes facts, @commanderkurama

My fav part of the pain arc was when Naruto never asked Hinata about her confession, or her safety. I also particularly like Narutos first ever hug that someone else initiated

Drag Sakura all you want but remember when you were here after 2013

Narusakus had this before 2007

Remember that while your self insert was fainting and going on suicide missions

Sakura and Naruto had already built a relationship based on mutual support, respect, love and equal footing (weather platonic or romantic, love is love). A relationship where they both believed in each other, supported each other, had each others back, laughed with each other, cried with each other, had actual chemistry with each other. Remember that the next time you whine about people loving this ship instead of your talked about the weather and clothes ship in an entire movie dedicated to them couple.

Sakura supports your faves so much that no wonder you want to debunk her heroine status and reduce her to a side supporting character that matches your background fav

Hiding her tears so she doesn’t hurt him!11! reminds me of that time she fake confessed to keep him,  kakashi and the rest of the world safe even if at the cost of killing her beloved one to save him from falling into deeper darkness. Sakura is so selfish, no wonder everyone in Japan hates NS

Know your place, Linda. Keep your scumbag-kun and the girl 2ch calls Hinabuta (quick Japanese crash course, that means hinapig), I like my Naruto and Sakura-chan just fine.

SasuSaku (The Hawk and The Cherry Blossom), alternatively titled: You rode on my back for years because your ship wouldn’t have had a hope in high hell if it were not for these two

Lunaneko, I think someone told me you said we try to compete with your shit ship.

It’s hard hearing you over making ship history

While Naruto was busy ignoring Hinatas general existence because she has the presence of the trash can in the sasusaku confession scene Sasuke (a boy who’s been thirsted after fresh from mikotos womb was already flustered and blushing towards sakura

You know what development is? Starting off with an irritable boy with 6 years worth of survivor guilt and manipulation weighing on his shoulders, saying something incredibly ignorant that rightfully pisses him the fuck off but still having him worry enough about you to stay with you to ensure your safety even at the risk of elimination

Aside from giving naruto his first hug, she gave sasuke his in years. Apparently Linkin park was so affected by human touch that he opened up to her about something he’s been repressing and isolating himself over for years. Going so far as stating ‘At that time, I was crying’ and even explaining his entire stance in the story ‘I am avenger’

Development is going from this look

To this look

From this

To this

And that wink too. There’s more chemistry in that wink than the entire NH movie

Remember that time Sakura helped Sasuke develop from a boy who had a childhood trauma based fear of stronger opponents with blood lust to a boy who fought Orochimaru bravely and grew 10x times in a single scene? All while she developed herself? And grew from an agreeable sasuke fangirl to a respected team mate? Y’all wanna compare the war hand hold scene to this? The war scene could have had potential if it ended better lmao

Why was he fighting?

Protecting her seems like an odd concept to you? Sasuke can’t relate :/ Naruto aint even wanna walk hinata home what joke is this

Remember that time Sasuke almost killed a guy in the forest of death? No, not broke Zakus arm

Sasuke was willing to kill for Sakura and I hope you know sasuke’s stance on killing. Where’s Naruto having this much care for hinata I don’t see it my competition is really lagging in this ‘race’

Remember that irritable boy? This boy crawling to her for comfort is a boy who grew alongside her, naruhina who?

You know what she did? She stayed up all night tending to her team mates, falling for konoha. Theres a fine line between cheating your crush at the risk of your team and staying up all night in a place titled the forest of death tending to their wounds at a mere bud age of 12

Wait no, bud who? She bloomed, all thanks to being inspired by the holy trinity (whos front and center? Louder for the people in the back, this is inspiration not just wanting to be with someone) and her own determination to protect her loved ones

Mutual development? Fuck me up. Here is an emotional maturation moment for BOTH of them

I love all of these mutual nh moments in the manga, all 0.0005 of them

She gave rise to a gentle protective side of him, so much so that he has used polite Japanese speaking to her before. The databook even states he saw her as someone he needed to protect. people ship ships for that special spark.The only spark hinata ever got was her wet dream from holding narutos hand, which she awoke from when she tripped on rock-kun

Naruto can’t tell apart true love from ramen? Canon Naruto can’t relate

I love that panel of jealous Naruto it’s great, oh wait its not him

Compete with Nh over what, blackotaku? Where is your naruto @ hinata speech I must need new glasses

Your bitch ass tried using you’re annoying as an argument and it’s so funny because imagine thinking he’s coming from a place of hate after he was willing to consciously give up his revenge for her safety and him saying what he said in their first encounter with a smile after pretending he didn’t remember their first meeting

Followed by this, the moment Japanese fans hailed the most emotional of part 1

You wish you were ss lmao, you wish you made it to 44 volumes out of 72

Compete with nh? On what? Getting stronger for your loved ones?

Chemistry?

Mutual support?

Their feelings are connected, their kid is the physical manifestation of their love not the screw that keeps them together..Her husband is travelling through space and time to keep them and the entire world safe. Naruto is 2 meters away, out there with a limitless bay of chakra unable to get clones to do his work for him.. anti-sakura-pro-hinata, at least when sasuke came home after 6 years of much harder work..he had dinner with his family. Maybe it’s because his daughter was raised well and it was pleasant being around someone who isn’t a brat.

Being intuitive to each other?

Oh lmao remember how Sakura was the only person who against all odds knew sasuke would leave the village?

Angst to keep it interesting?

Call me when Gaiden isn’t one of Kishimotos best selling works.  Call me when your ship actually wants to spend time with each other.

Where Narutos ultimate expression of love at? Is is sleeping on the couch? Boruto novel states sasusaku is having so much sex that sakuras skin is glossing, meanwhile naruto has erectile dysfunction and a shriveled dick by age 32

Sit down, there is not much competition. We keep the SS Japanese penguins, the Jump Fiesta sign attraction, the popularity, the ambitious kid and the moments, the canon selfless love only for the purpose of saving your lover and you keep the canon selfish love for the purpose of a confession  and the banana who wishes its father dies and the mom who just cried.

But remember who made you

SasuNaru (Yin and Yang), alternatively titled:  having black hair isn’t enough to make naruto obsessed.

The garbage can @anti-sakura-pro-hinata blog that attempted to call Sasuke trash because her fictional boyfriend was obsessed with him seems to forget Sasuke didn’t ask for it. Naruto needed a pep talk from fillermaru and fillerkura to chase after hinata yet chased after sasuke, even begged authorities to not kill him purely because he is his ‘friend’ for 3 years. He trained with him in mind, a fact so obvious that Kakashi pointed out Sasuke is the driving force behind Narutos training. Sasuke, and the image he had of team 7 in his mind. An image so important to him that the thought of it being tarnished by Sasukes absence made him have a panic attack.

He went after sasuke to save his best friend and for them all to be happy and smiling together, im sorry he didn’t include Hinata in his fantasies but Team 7 is kind of booked..we only have room for neo sanins, vip people and connected hearts here. If youre jealous your self insert doesn’t matter,, I don’t know, make up fanfiction where she appears in more than 38 pages of the manga

#parallels 

Hinata is canonically narutos most important person!11!! where? Must be on fight on top of the moon land. Be happy Naruto went rampant when his seal was weak, Konoha was destroyed, Jirayah was murdered, Kakashi was killed, Tsunade was hurt and then Hinatas ass decided to risk him chakra depletion, death and losing himself. But remember who made him go rampant with a strong seal at the slight mention of a name

The boy he wanted the acknowledgement of the most because he admired him so much that being like him was his goal

Yet when he got it was still like ‘later, emo asshole. Just get your shit together first.’

Why? Because he loved his friend so much that understanding him and fighting (literally fighting) the fated hatred in his heart mattered more to him than the ego he wanted stroked since age 7

What does that mean? I don’t know man. They trained together, laughed together, rivaled each other, were petty to each other and before they knew it they were inseparable. Back then and always

@remedialaction, come after sasuke because your self insert isn’t noticing the shy girl hes friendzoned later. A huge part of Narutos development was heavily tied to Sasuke, lets not ignore the fact that sasuke being a good team mate who put the 3 man cell idea into his head before Kakashi even told them about team work is the reason why they even became ninjas

Remove and erase Sasukes victim status, his entire arc, motivations, fate and position in the story because he is in the way of a ship when he isn’t the only reason Narutos dick was alive for Hinata

But no Sasuke is a bad person, no matter what the narrative and facts are because nardo is obsessed with him

Praise hinata for her naruto-kun became my goal speech when you acknowledge

‘I knew you were always alone. I felt better knowing there was someone like me..i wanted to hang out with you. It just made me happy! But I couldn’t..i was jealous of how skilled you were, so I turned you into a rival. I wanted to be just like you. I started with nothing but I finally made a connection. We went on missions as team 7, and I kept chasing you, wanting to be just as strong, just as cool. Im really glad I met you!’

Bring sasuke down and praise hakuna hintatas for saying the same thing. ‘Naruto kun saved me’ vs ‘Thanks to you I found salvation’

And weep over how sad your ship looks like next to two arms connected by love (platonic or not love is love), fate, tears and literal blood.

But no, what is yin and yang, light and shadows, love and hate, 2 lonely people watching over each other because ‘finally someone understands my solitude’ as a dynamic in comparison to meek girl and loud guy who could have voiced his attraction eons ago?! It’s funny, even with the canon context of SNS being indra and ashuras chakra incarnate and a brotherly bond, it still works better and is a hella lot more interesting than NH

The scenes showing Naruto and Sasukes iconic team work have more chemistry than naruhinas entire manga time, movie time, filler time and hell even fan art and fan fiction time. I know you're jealous because sasuke is well loved, but show some respect to Borutos mother.

 Kakasaku (Hot and hotter), alternatively titled: Get your head out of your ass

Kakasaku is pedophilia!!

It’s bad!11! because my subjective opinion said so!11!

Not as bad as nh

People ship adult Kakasaku for a whole lot more meaningful stuff than a self insert ship

Kakashi never looked down on her since shippuuden. He acknowledged her strength and how far shes come from being the whiny 12 year old he used to teach. He always knew by part two that she’d be great and he respected her a lot. He saw her kind heart and praised her for it and for her selfless love. They grew to become fellow comrades in the war who had equal respect for each other. What can y’all say about NH? This is a joke.

I want to stay in my lane, but the lanes converge when you make ugly personal attacks at people and insult ships and characters to elevate your own shit show. Drag Team 7 into your ugliness again and I expose your insecure ass.

Y’all can’t touch this aesthetic. Come at these kids when Naruto doesn’t remember them when he’s eating a bento (Something special made by someone you love-sarada) made by his wife.

Special thanks to @uzumakura for tht good ns wank, @sakuraharunos for that good sns wank, @chiwawha for her opinion on ks and me for my patience 

#narusaku #sasusaku #kakasaku #sasunarusasu #pro team 7 #sasuke uchiha #sakura haruno #naruto uzumaki #kakashi hatake #anti hinata #anti naruhina #anti anti sasusaku #anti anti narusaku #anti anti sasunaru #they all have me blocked #lmao

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 9: “-28... negative. 28. negative. twenty. eight.” - Jason

i'm fully a psycho, i practiced my acting in the mirror to pretend I accidentally voted Ian. its a mess. a REAL mess. and I might have done it for no reason, they took it super well so maybe I... shouldn't tell Jason...

i literally am why Ian left. I wanted him out since round two, and I made it happen even though nobody wanted it to. I FINALLY ACTUALLY MADE A MOVE IN A GAME. I FINALLY DID SOMETHING I'M SO HAPPY asldfa. I could CRY, I can leave this game happy.

um da fuck alalkdgh well I aldlkj so alkjdfc;l.

^ decipher thats all I got.

No honestly I don't know what to think right now. Everyone went crazy last tribal and I feel like I need to explain myself a little bit? First off my alliance voted someone oppositely of what they told me they'd do. And secondly, they used me as a total fallback. And what made it me CRACKED asf was that they told me none of it. Like we talked in the morning about how shit was going to go down tonight and decided on Jason. We were all in agreement and it was in motion. Later Tom asked me what the vote was and I was told to tell him Ian. Except Alex told me that he told him Me. Without warning me. At all. Which is like shitty. So I kinda got paranoid and started asking around and seeing what was what, and thats when Tom came up to me and said that there was a big blindside to vote me off led by Alex. Of course, my initial thought was that this could be happening and he made this big plan to vote off Alex and I talked to Ali about it but ULTIMATELY I decided to go with Jason as I promised. My mistake I guess was telling Jones, who I really trusted, saying that they wanted to make a move on Alex but I trusted him and said I voted Jason. I only said so because I was worried that it might fall through and I might need to be saved by her idol. Which I know is hers of course and I don't want to dictate when she can use it but with this insanity going around I just was really nervous. But honestly I can't believe that Alex and them all just decided against voting Jason without telling me. They said it was to save me, which of course is true, but they didn't tell me. And it was SHITTY for Alex to not tell me that he threw my name to Tom, like truly dumb. I know I've said I might want him out soon a lot, but honestly I HAVE NO IDEA what I'm going to be doing with the next tribal. I do wanna say tho that I like him as a person a whole lot! He's sweet and loyal and really kind, I just think he's gonna end up dominating this game if people let him.

PS I don't know if Julia has a problem with me. We were suppose to be voting together for Jason, and while she doesn't owe me anything, she just wouldn't talk to me. Like I think I wouldn't have CRACKED so hard if I could just reach her and get a grip on how she was voting.

She's being chaotic on purpose but only to me? I don't get it.

okay I'm off the alliance call. I just sent a really like emo paragraph to my hostchat but I'm so happy, which is gross because I just did Ian so dirty but lemme explain.

I have played 7 games before this (3 Survivor, 4 Big Brother) - I've come 2nd in five of those games, and without exception I have never EVER played a game I'm proud of. I always make fun of my game for being crap. Like I'm always a goat, always crap, and always play passively.

I'm so excited about this season and this game because... I'm finally playing the game and a game I am proud of. Like I'm not fussed about winning or making FTC, because lets be real, it fully is not happening, but I wanna leave the season proud of my game. And I already so am, like... I've wanted Ian out since round two, and I've been determined to make it happen.

And I did that. I literally was angling to get him out via a vote switch and then when the vote split came up, I knew exactly what to do. I knew Ian would be less willing to make amends and more able to make connections. I knew Ian was a threat and so urgently needed to be removed because he could keep a grip on the game.

I can't believe that. In a tribe of twelve people, where nobody wanted Ian out (the four votes for him were all just for the sake of a vote split), and I singlehandedly forced it through. I saw a target, knew to make a move and got them out. IM SO HAPPY.

in other news... I am a psycho, I literally went to a mirror, practised how to look shocked and then went on that call and acted my HEART OUT. I think people bought it, but it is. the. most. cracked. thing. I. have. ever. done.

I'm now kinda stuck, because I have two options. Either I tell Jason what I did earning his trust, or I just... try and work with Jason without telling him. One is riskier with more potential long term benefit, and one is a much safer bet. I am gonna think on it and decide tomorrow.

Also I was really mean about Jones, Mo & Alex in my confessionals earlier. I take it back, on calls they are so FUN. I think they just aren't texting people so I don't judge. Doesn't mean I necessarily wanna go too far with them, but I love them as people and feel bad for being mean.

also since this round solidified that much as I'm proud of my game, I'm not making FTC, I'd rank people in the order I'd vote for them as a juror as:

Jules > Alex > Mitch > Tom > Benj > Jones > Julia > Jason > Caeleb > Mo

Jules/Alex/Mitch seem very switched on, Tom making it to the end would be a real underdog journey, Benj is a king and has the right idea with an undercover duo, Jones/Julia savvy queens, Jason actually also has an underdog story we will need to see with that one, Caeleb telling Jones about the Alex plan is a real dumb move imo which lowers his rank for me. Mo is my SON and I love him but would need to see more game from him to be comfortable voting him at FTC in any scenario.

also ian talking about dom not deserving to win switzerland set off kill bill red flags for me. nobody who talks about dom negatively lives to tell the tale, you go BYEBYE. but also ian ilysm, like you were a major threat and had to go, but on a personal level i love you with my whole heart.

okay last confessional for now, the two moods:

June 30th yeehaw

July 2nd

Extra notes:

Benj and i are working on the idol hunt together and I’m already on like,, 30 w him so it’s gucci, I’m not gonna tell Alex ab it or anything bc I kinda wanna try and stray away from him a bit?? Like he doesn’t have to know EVERYTHING Ab my advantages yk?

And I’m probs not gonna try and use the vote cover on anyone rn bc every single one of my allies is like,,, up for exposure???? So that’s wacky,,

Also bc Ian was absolutely ROBBED of jury we’re thinking it’s a F2

Bc OF COURSE IT IS which I’m not mad ab but I have to think ab who i’d Really want to sit with,,, best case scenario for me is probs Benj,, maybe Mo? Not too sure,, but um ya barbecue sauce on my thiddies here we go into f11 onward and upward amirite

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGv10gbJxVU

this was b4 tribal 

So I lost Ian... and I'm kinda mad about it! I can't help but feel like I'm on my way to the jury because even the next day people are still acting super weird with me. I don't really understand how I'm a threat to anyone right now though??? Like I guess the Me/Ian power duo thing was valid but Ian's gone now so that argument should be moot.

I have no idea what to do moving forward. Up this point my game has been based on how I interpret conversations with people and how much I thought I could trust them... but I can't do shit if no one wants to talk to me (and I cannot stress ENOUGH how much sense this doesn't make).

The one good thing about me staying in the game I guess is I now have free reign to do whatever the fuck I want with my time left here. If I can blow up as many games as possible and stir the pot as much as I can at least I go out having fun?? Right?? But bottom line is I fully intend on lone-wolfing this game for however long I'm still here for.

My current first steps are to first throw Julia under the bus to Caeleb, and hopefully get something going with Caeleb. If I'm in with Caeleb, it might help with Alex, Jones, and Mo using me as a number.

Next is to pretty much sell my soul to the kingpin of this entire thing right now, Alex. I'm imagining a faux-Phillip Sheppard scenario where I tell Alex he owns my vote, but he doesn't really. I have no clue if he'd bite but it's worth trying because what the fuck else do I have left.

On the topic of Alex, I could also try to shift his attention into targeting someone like Mitch or Benj? I can embellish a little bit and tell Alex that Mitch is spreading a rumor that he has the Dirt People Idol or something along those lines.

Next on the (tentative) agenda is to talk with Jules and try to see where I stand with her. For some reason I feel the most burned by her from last tribal?? I don't trust her at all but as long as she thinks that door is still open I'll hear what she has to say. Maybe I can guilt her into giving me more info as well?

And the last thing I can think of is try making a better connection with Mo and Jones, and hopefully start some sort of game relationship with those two. I don't really see myself getting far with this one considering these two have been hit or miss in the conversations I've had with them, but there isn't anything worth not trying at this point.

Back to a less gamebotty point of view, I've honestly been oscillating between being angry and being upset about how last tribal broke down, mainly because I feel like Ali, Julia, and Mitch could've waited a lot longer to do something like this if they were worried about me and Ian (which I still believe they had very little reason to be worried right now in the first place). But I also feel like I had 9 doors slam in my face and the only person I can still be real with is Tom. I'm back at square one and I'm not happy about it, but I didn't come back to this godforsaken ORG to go down easy so I've gotta keep moving for as long as I can.

(Also I need to be willing to let go of Tom. I'm not gonna go out of my way to burn him, but I'm also beyond the point of wanting to stick my neck out too far for him. My longevity is the only priority right now.)

okay so... this vote is operation get Caeleb out of here. I really wanted to work with Caeleb, and I think he could have been a really useful number, but like... him telling Jones about the plan to vote Alex really, really rubbed me the wrong way. Like I do not trust him at all after that, I really do not know where we are at now.

So here is the goal. I'm about to call Jason and hopefully get him back on side. Then hopefully between Jules and I, we can convince Space Jam to vote Caeleb (I'm still confused how close he is to Mo/Jones/Alex, could be a good test). With Caeleb, a potential number for them, out of the way, next round its time for a big move, its time for one of Jones/Alex/Mo to go.

The numbers for that move would be (hopefully) Me, Jules, Julia, Tom, Jason, Mitch (6/10) + Benj hopefully, or at worst I'll just keep him in the loop. I really think Caeleb going could be so so good, it really opens up numbers and weakens Jones/Mo/Alex - it also narrows down where the idol is, something that we have to stay conscious of.

At the moment, my closest allies are definitely Jules and Benj. Jules is just.... the best, so woke, so on the ball, I am LOVING playing this season with them. Benj is such a king, my earliest like 'proper' ally even though Julia approached me after like 0.5 seconds in the game ha. I love Benj, and at the moment he also is quite out of the loop, he could also be a workable FTC option. I'm really stuck with Jules and FTC - you would be crazy to take Jules, as articulate and smart as they are, to FTC, but I really don't think I could face writing Jules' name down, I would feel AWFUL.

Also thoughts on Tom? He is too good for this world, he was so sweet about Ian/Jason going and like I really relate to the emotions he feels in games, on a personal level he is the best.

I feel like my plan going forwards is vote off Caeleb, then Alex, then Jones/Mo, and then figure it out from there. I really think if I play it right, I can slowly and calmly continue to have real swing over this game, I'm mc'loving it.

Also, because I keep doing this and its a fun pattern at this point, this is the order in which I would vote for people at FTC, if I go 11th at the moment:

Jules > Jason > Alex > Julia > Mitch > Jones > Tom > Benj > Caeleb > Mo

okay i just called Jason, such a king! i feel like i was VERY awkward, and I like I didn't articulate myself very well, but... he gets that we are going to need to potentially pull some shenanigans. I really want Caeleb then Alex, but if we need to just do Alex first, I can deal with that.

I think ideal situation is Tom wins immunity, Space Jam wants to vote Caeleb - we all go along with it, and then Alex goes next round, but we will see eek!

Oh wow hi it’s me, Mo.

So here’s the rundown on what’s happened the past couple rounds for my dumbass. First let’s start off with getting to merge, it’s a talent of mine, don’t look at my Italy placement. We’re out of that dumb fucking cave so no more waiting which is great. Another cool thing is I’m actually allies with Julia now which is weird because I’m going to be honest I was terrified of her going into this game. We had a past game experience that made me fearful. But now I’m sitting comfy in a majority alliance with Alex, Ali, Jones, Jules & Julia. By the way this is a first time thing for me, being in a majority alliance during merge. So this at least guarantees me final 7 or 6. It took me four tries to spell guarantees, who’s idea was it to put the u in front of the a it’s fucking stupid. But like here’s the thing, my gameplay is somewhat underwhelming. Basically my game relies on jury management and likability. Because I can’t strategize for shit, I just kinda smile and waddle forward when a door opens. I thought at this part of the game I would be close allies with Tom again but that didn’t happen. Apparently JJ told Tom about an alliance made in old Durmitor with Alex, Jules, Jones & Evan??? Made to like simmer JJ down. So now Tom doesn’t want to work with any of them (Which mind you three of them are my close allies) so he confronted Alex about it and I think he was like butthurt about not being included??? But like bitch I wasn’t included either but I’m not sulking about it. It wasn’t even a serious alliance. Also back to my alliances, sorry I know this is mixed up. MESSY, WHO BROUGHT NAPKINS IM GETTING MESSY. But I was also in an alliance with Alex, Jones & Caeleb after the swap. Called the Durmitor Dominators which is still a thing. But Caeleb wasn’t added to the Space Jam alliance with the group of 6 so I’m like??? What’s going on there??? I should probably talk about it with Alex because I am confusion. Also now there’s this new twist since we got out of the Dua Lipa cave, now we have to adjust to the sunlight with this exposure twist which basically means whoever gets eliminated gets to expose three people and whoever is exposed still by the tribal has to write who they’re voting for in chat. So I love that. But that’s about it for me thank you for taking the time to read this.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE VOTING JASON AT ALL THE FUCK I WANT TO GET ALEX THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BUT NO CAELEB APPARENTLY WANTS TO VOTE JASON I HATE THIS THEY REALLY ARE TRYING TO GET MY HOMIE JASON OUT!!! WAS I CONSPIRING AGAINST HIM AND IAN ALL WEEK? MAYBE SO! BUT I DON'T WANT HIM OUT YET!!! I DON'T!! WE ARE TRYING TO BLINDSIDE ALEX BUT THIS AIN'T WORKING UGHGHGHGHG *STOMPS ON THE GROUND* UGHGHGHGH I HATE THIS GOODBYE

Sooo besides the fact that it took me 5 minutes to find the confessional tab because I havent been doing these im here to update!!! Ian was just voted out and although i'm fine with it for now, I was NOT expecting a split vote. That makes me feel a little bit nervous going further into the game. I did think it was beneficial to split up the Jason/Ian duo but i was expecting Jason to go; not Ian. Anywho im almost positive im in the same predicament this vote. I've mended my relationship with Jason and im working very well with Tom to flip the script on Alex (who I believe to be running the game). Typically I would wait a few more rounds to get Alex out, but if everyone is playing for him to win, I might miss my opportunity like I did in my last season. I'm not blind! I'll do whatever it takes to go far and put myself in people's endgames. RN swapped Durmitor has the power. I dont necessarily like that because although im not on bad terms with them, I'm definitely on the bottom of that totem pole.

Tom sent seven confessionals in a row to be put at different places throughout this and last episode??? I guess??? But no thank you, so enjoy the thoughts in the order he apparently had them. ~Drew

*1 hour before tribal*

WHY IS ALEX SO CRACKED HONESTLY alex has said ian, caeleb and jason to 3 people i dont understand i am most likely getting played here but i dont want any of them to go, i see very high potential when working with all three of them so i think im going to try to make a big move and take out alex. I'm immune this round but next round im not so its a bit risky. I think Ali and Jules would be on board if there was the numbers there so if me ian jason julia ali and caeleb all voted together that would be majority and alex would be the first blindside of the game....

Tom

*10 hours before tribal council*

Everyone is pretty much dead silence i feel like everyone has an idea of who they would like to target but no one is really wanting to be the first person to throw a name out there so like its gonna get so fucking messy whilst im asleep and imma wake up to one big mess i already know it

Tom

*1-2 hours before tribal*

Okay so I've just woken up and i just spoke to alex and he seems like he just wants to do anything to get his ass safe this round which is sketch af, he is saying the vote is caeleb to me so thats cool and all but i asked caeleb what he was hearing just to get both sides and caeleb said alex said jason..... so like wtf is alex trying to do.....

TOM

ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION sinking ship is near i cba voting for alex now that he has told jones, he did the same thing as evan and i am just ready for his ass to go out the door ugh im so annoyed!

Tom

OKAY I CANNOT DEAL WHO THE FUCK IS THIS CAELEB KID HONESTLY WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT WHY DID YOU GO AND TELL JONES LITERALLY ALL OF WHAT I SAID....ITS A KNOWN FACT THAT THEY'RE A DUO OPEN YOUR STUPID EYES IDIOT!!!! THANKS SO MUCH NOW IMMA GET FUCKED OVER AND GET TARGETED BY ALEX AND HIS MINIONS NEXT ROUND. THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR TRYING TO SAVE SOMEONE I WANT TO WORK WITH IN THIS GAME....

Tom

*Tribal just happened*

Oh okay uhm well thats just fucking sad. I would like to say i never cry when a close ally is eliminated but i am a mess, i am crying right now at work and my driver is like "uhm are you okay..." yeah man im okay just crying over an ally that essentially died because i cant even speak to him anymore rip :( I miss ian so much i am so fucking furious that i am blindsided again at merge tho.... also really 9 people were in on that blindside split vote.....WOW! I am so surprised that ali and jules didnt tell me about the plan tbh they can say all they want about how they thought i knew but like if you thought i knew you should've just spoken to me about the vote.... like WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SPLIT UP JIAN when JONEX is still in the game they're much more dangerous and so much harder to get out every round we get closer.

Tom

waa waaa waaa call the wambulance! My plan is working so far i think tbh, mitch has been very responsive about this round and i am fairly certain that he has realised how fucked of a position he is in this game without me and jason here so he made an alliance chat which is good because that means he will work with us even just for this round. I think a lot of people now jian is out, have realised the next big big duo in this game is jalex so hopefully the movement on them occurs!

Tom

*hour after tribal*

Okay so this is shit me and jason are in minority and will most likely get votes split against us.... time to do something about it, in the past merges ive been too ive been in the bottom, and i was taken out this time it wont be happening as much as alex would like it too i will not let it happen! This cast seems to have fairly emotional sympathetic people in this game so imma express how sad i was at the tribal say i was balling my eyes out when ian left and how i feel so down and out and that i am very lost and sad in this game. Because this will make people feel bad for not including me in the plans and also it will create conversation for them to work with me to build my spirits up again and make me happy.

Just thinking about this exposure twist. Kinda cool actually. I'm surprised to say it but I think this might be the type of thing that I like to see??? Who am I. Kinda wish the reward challenge was more of a flash game over a typing game, only because I wanna know how hard the winner worked to get that score. Like for typing you kinda either are already good at it prior or you're shit at it, so I can't tell if Alex put in a bunch of time and effort to win. If it was some weird flash game that had a steep learning curve then I would know better and have a better grip on the game Alex is playing. Regardless, kinda excited about Benj having the curse because I think(?) that we can use that to actually do something crazy? Like I'm thinking a 5 vote blindside tie type situation where Benj throws out a red herring type of vote. We'll see, but I think I need to keep a low profile so who knows if that'll come to fruition.

okay mitch! has! been! elevated! to! king! status!

me and mitch have had a good conversation which I'm super SUPER happy about, he is someone who is in a similar spot to me, so I am SOOO happy we are talking yay. He agrees Alex needs to go soon, like... people are on the same page, maybe its time for it to hap' hap' happen.

since alex won reward, he'll of course save himself, which is fine. it means julia and benj are exposed, and while they're both close allies of mine, they are probably the two who would be in the toughest spot to vote alex, julia since she is like out of nowhere close to him, and benj since he is close to jones.

the plan could be to get alex and co to agree to another split vote or something, which separates numbers that could allow us to strike versus Alex. Maybe if we did like... Alex/Jones/Mo/Caleb on someone, Benj/Julia on another and then Me/Jason/Tom/Jules/Mitch on someone, making a 5-4-2 vote. oh god these merge vote counts have been so so cracked.

we will see. i think my placement this season is going to be like... 8th or something? I am scared of flipping for two votes in a row, BUT I feel like the good news is if I was getting voted out, either Tom or Benj would now hear about it, so I should be able to still play my idol. We will see ahh, but its very scary!

as always with my confessionals:

Bootlist: Alex > Caeleb > Jones > Jason > Mo > Mitch > Julia > Jules > Me/Tom/Benj F3

here is the problem though, I can't vote Jules out. I am such a Jules stan, voting them out would snap my heart it half, I really don't think I could do it. I think I would need others to do it, I'd probably want to be blindsided by it and kept in the dark.

and then the order I would vote people in an FTC:

Jules > Alex > Jason > Mitch > Benj > Julia > Tom > Jones > Caeleb > Mo

Ok so now I’m getting added to a third alliance chat which is supposedly a final 3 alliance. But like here’s the thing, I’d be sitting next to Jones & Alex. I have a snowballs chance in hell of winning against either of them. Everyone loves Jones and Alex has been kinda running this game so far. I’m just kinda his goat. Don’t get me wrong I wanna start making some moves but it’s too early, right now I want to stay unthreatening and low key. I might just have to ride this coat tail to the end because if we have bitter jurors they’ll end up looking at Alex.

So Alex says he didnt read the challenge post... yet came 2nd?

I dont buy it, I fully believe if I ask Benj and others what Alex asked to give him, he will say negatives. He is such a fraud.

also this split vote will be his undoing... his ass is about to be grass... mwahahahahha

-28... negative. 28. negative. twenty. eight. what the FUCK did i do to these people??

I don't even know where to go from here.

...but I mean I kinda do.

I can use this to further push the narrative that I've got no one and hence nowhere near the biggest threat/I'm the easiest target there is and HOPEFULLY people take their eyes off of me.

Aside from that what I WANT to do is vote Alex out (big change from my last confessional, I know). I think I have Tom and Jules on board if I were to pitch it to them, same with Mitch and Ali. I MIGHT have Caeleb but he ran it back to Jones last round so the precedent's already set. So from there to have a five vote majority was I was considering to split the other 6 votes. Julia and Benj are getting their votes exposed so they probably want to vote majority, which I'm anticipating to be someone like myself, Tom, or Caeleb. Ideally, the vote splits one of two ways— NEVERMIND

!! BREAKING !!

Tom says via Ali that Alex thinks that the 9 that split their vote on me and Ian are gonna split their vote again on me and Tom, but Ali isn't on board with that (if he's being honest), and I'd have to assume the same goes for Mitch since there's now a chat with myself him and Tom. So the plan from there (which ties into what I was planning anyway) is to get Jules on board (we called the day after tribal, she SOUNDS like she'd be down), and let the rest of them split their vote.

So that means...

FUCK Alex

FUCK Caeleb

FUCK Julia

FUCK the rest of em bc who??

[but not really it's a game I don't mean it]

But as far as tribal plans right now go... ideally it turns out

5-4-2

5: Me/Tom/Mitch/Ali/Jules for Alex

4-2: Some combination of Alex/Mo/Caeleb/Jones/Julia/Benj for me/Tom

I probably get the 4 again, Tom gets 2... or other way around??? I get the 2 if Mitch/Ali/Jules are meant to vote for me?

But anyways don't be shocked if this is all for nothing and this is my last confessional x

god... negative 28...

i am so frustrated with julia. okay so tom told me apparently on call she said she has a F3 with Alex/Jones, specifically a F2 with Alex. Now... I fully feel like Tom made this up, BUT I asked Julia about the vote and she says she wants to ride out the Space Jam alliance...

is she nuts. is she NUTS kjlasdfas. Literally I feel like WAY too much of this tribe is drinking the Alex Kool-Aid and I can't describe how frustrating it is lowkey. Like I sided with Alex relying on like... Julia's wokeness that we could then detach ourselves, Alex is now FULLY running this tribe and it terrifies me.

It solidifies to me that Alex needs to go this round. Like....this round. He is running this tribe, he has grips on Jones/Mo/Caeleb/Julia, and potentially Benj through Jones. That is SUCH a large amount of this tribe, so I need to stick my neck out. I'm fully embracing that I'm not making FTC at this rate, so it's just time to shake stuff up.

Here is the plan. I am going to play into the split vote plan, we can get Alex and his minions as they shall henceforth be called to split their votes between Jason and Tom, and then maybe Me/Tom/Jules/Mitch/Jason vote out Alex or any of his minions, I don't care which.

At this rate, I'm going to be going into F10 in a potential 5-5 situation, but honestly... Jones/Mo say about a word and a half of game between them each round so they are not workable allies, Julia who flips at literally the drop of a hat is suddenly misted by Alex and Co., Caeleb is just infuriating for telling Jones about the Alex vote, shows he can't be trusted. That leaves only Benj my king, the only woke one, though I am afraid of his connection to Jones.

I just WISH this TRIBE would use their BRAINS. Specifically Julia at the minute.

I’m so TIRED I’ve been so quiet maybe that’s why people are thinking about targeting me :)

Ok ok lemme back up a lil,, this is all according to Alex,, which,,,,,,, idk about YALL but he’s giving off a bit of a paranoid energy right now,, and I’m fully aware of the fact that he has the best chance at winning this game out of anyone here, sooooo maybe let him get eaten by the wolves soon? Not necessarily soon but like,, ya soon. Don’t wanna get him to the end skkdkdkdks. I also think separating myself from Alex might take a target off of MY back, I’ve been trying to separate myself like on my own terms but I think I need to start like,,, setting the stage kind of thing. Idk all I know is that I have a better chance sitting with anyone BUT him,, So maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing to push Alex into the fire a little bit.

I have yet to hear a name, though I’d like to get Tom out personally? He can slide utr really easily,, plus we can (or at least I can) confirm he doesn’t have an idol, the only question is does Jason have an idol and is willing to play it on the only person he voted with? Who KNOWS!! We just have to make them feel comfy (assuming we have the majority vote that is KSKSKS)

But ya stay tuned laid ease

okay so alex is really trying to play me and its very transparent. now, this could just be tom playing which if so, good for him, his mind and his MIST, but here is the deal.

tom tells me him and alex had a conversation about pairs, where Tom threw out Alex/Jones as a pair, and Alex threw out Julia and I. Then in Alex's retelling of that same conversation, side note its funny that I heard the same conversation from both sides in the space of about 10 minutes, Alex conveniently leaves out that he threw out me and Julia as a pair, and he is SO defensive about him and Jones as a pair.

Jones was on my ass immediately when Caeleb told her Alex could be the vote, and Alex also knew super fast. You are really going to try and convince me that you aren't even close when you have spent 23 days on a tribe together, and from the sounds of things, voted together every single time! im not buying it.

for this vote, i want either alex or an alex minion out, i think mo would be the most do-able. jones is close to caeleb, who we will need as a number, so if alex's idol paranoia is too big, maybe we need to remove mo from the equation? we will see.

mo is my org son, and i love him on calls and such, but I am confused by the game he is playing. I'm potentially super underestimating him, which is a definite possibility, but at the moment.... its like... do something charlie. is he just going to hide behind Jones and Alex, because that's not smart.

i would like to see Alex go this vote, but i think he is already too paranoid (i think tom stoked his paranoia WAY too much). I think Mo could end up being the back up vote, which is probably actually okay, because Alex is a definite shield moving forwards, particularly if still paired with Jones.

Updated Jury Vote Rankings:

Jules > Alex > Jason > Tom > Mitch > Benj > Julia > Jones > Caeleb > Mo

okay I'm like... getting frustrated with Alex. he literally does not know how to be subtle about anything lowkey, like this vote split is literally his 4 OG Durmitors voting 'correctly', leaving all his unsure numbers Me/Jules/Julia/Benj on Jason... like mc'what...

i really want him gone, EVERYONE is drinking the Alex Kool-Aid. Maybe I'm not seeing it, but Jones and Mo particularly are playing SO passively, I fully want to scream.

I need to convince Caeleb to make a move. It's really time to just send Alex, or literally any of his minions out of here. I want to include Julia so badly, but she is so blindly misted by him out of nowhere, I hate it UGH.

I think I want Alex and Mo out as the next two votes, Alex runs the show and Mo is just too passive of a player to be a workable ally. Jones is much more of a threat, but Benj likes her and I want to respect.

I just can't deal with Alex and Co. playing so passively for another round, I'll scream KLASDFA.

Alex aka Gru (because of his minions) unfortunately goes byebye tonight. It took a bit of last minute persuading of Caeleb, but we have GOT THIS ahh.

It looks like its going to be either 6 votes or 5 if Tom self-votes on Alex (Me, Caeleb, Jules, Tom, Jason & Mitch), 3 on Tom (Jones, Mo & Alex) and 2 on Jason (Julia and Benj).

This could definitely backfire, but I don't think I'll go home (famous last words), and if Tom/Jason gets idoled out, next round there is still wiggle room because I still have my KING Benj on the other side. Jones/Mo/Julia are going to be coming for my neck, but I'd rather face the minions than Gru himself NNN,

i might live to regret this if Caeleb turns on me, but I take back everything negative I've EVER said about Caeleb. He is an icon, and so so fun to talk to. I feel like he really trusts me now, so I can't turn on him unless I have to.

New goal final five is Me/Jules/Benj/Tom/Caeleb... and I think its do-able. We get Alex out this vote, then Julia/Mo/Jones/Jason as the next four, followed by Mitch... I'm not sure how exactly, but we will figure it out AHH.

[a-quiet-nightmare]

I finally got home wifi again and am getting genuinely settled in the new apartment, in home state with a reliable roommate and a better job and WHOO it's been a fucking LONG past four months of no spoons to do anything at all with!

I have the flu currently, which is kicking my asss and lungs. But since I don't have a fever I get to work through it yay. No biggie. I hope the whole store gets sick af 🙃

When I can get over this bullshit I'm actually going to be trying to engage more conventionally with this blog, get into a habit of daily rituals and writing out my morning meditations and thoughts and prayers. Dedicating more time to actually compiling something resembling a record of my craft as I work through some vagrantly resurfacing PTSD and bitterness over the next few weeks

Yay for relaxing after long periods of stress, amirite? I'm not right. My brain is a dumpster fire and all the bottled emotions are exploding like moltovs. I'm not okay and if I don't find somewhere constructive to out all the energy of it neither will most of my hometown be. But it is an opportunity for a great deal of healing and self exploring! Carving out the sores and freshing up the dressings on what's still wound. Working through scars I never treated right and what not.

So I suppose here I'll put the warnings, in the next few weeks I'm liable to be very openly working through my feelings and memories of multiple sexual assaults, processing and grieving several deaths and how I reacted to them/heavy survivors guilt. I will likely be mentioning my late child and that entire shebang of guilt and grief. There's also a lot of more recent trust issues I need to work through and validate and deal with after a long five years spent in a fuck of a situation. If anything mentioned here at all may be triggering to anyone following me *please* either unfollow now, or block the tag #TW:vagrant nightmares, which I will be using to mark all relevant future posts containing trigger content (because I can't keep up with what's a tag for what )