#but seriously i’m kind of sad but this is the best choice

[aperrywilliams]

More Than You Know (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

(Not my gif. Credit to the creator)

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Author Masterlist

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader.

Summary: You’re Spencer's best friend. You have gone through many things together, but after Spencer is incarcerated, things turn different for both of you. Not to mention you have been in love with him for a long time too. How much will you endure until you can’t take it anymore?

Word Count: 5.9k

TW: ANGST. Strong language. Mention of abduction, drug use, getting shot, death of relatives and loved ones, jail, pregnancy, unsafe sex, and potential cheating. All the deal!

A/N: Not a happy ending, at least for Spencer and Reader. Do you think they could have a chance in the future? (I wrote it as a one-shot, but it makes me kind of sad). Let me know what you think.

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I don’t have the habit of arriving early at work. I only do it when it is strictly required. I’m not a morning person. I have never been. So you can guess how my mood turns dark when people push me to let go of some minutes of my precious morning sleep, even when Spencer is the one who asks me to.

He called me this morning at 6 am, telling me he needed to talk to me in person. So we agreed to grab a coffee in our usual place before work.

"Thanks for coming," Spencer greets me when I arrive. A harsh expression adorns his features while I sit in the booth before him.

I can’t help the yawn escaping my lips.

“Did I have a choice?” I ask, gesturing to the barista for my regular order.

“I need to talk to you,” he prefaces, rubbing a hand over his eyes. He looks distressed. I narrow my eyes, thinking about what could be causing it.

“Yeah, that’s what you said by phone when you woke me up this morning. Why you didn’t tell me there what’s going on?”

“I couldn't tell you by phone,” he excuses himself as the barista approaches and hands me my coffee. I thank her, returning my gaze to my friend.

My mind starts racing with possibilities, and my heartbeat picks up its rate.

“Something happened to your mom?” I ask cautiously. Spencer shakes his head immediately.

“No. My mom is okay.”

Well, that discards a big issue so that I can breathe a little.

“Nightmares again?”

I can recall how bad nightmares could be for Spencer. Since Hankel and passing by Emily’s dead, Maeve, and then prison, Spencer is a lightning rod for nightmares.

“No. Not in a while.”

Good. Another bad thing out of the list.

“Headaches?”

A big issue that worsened after Doyle stabbed Emily and led Spencer to Maeve.

“No. I’m good with that.”

Okay, I’m running out of options here. Is it the job?

“The bureau wants you to take longer sabbaticals?”

“No! Not that either.”

I give up. I don’t think anything is important enough to make me be here before 7 am.

“Spencer, I’m lost. Just tell me what’s going on,” I urge, running out of patience and dying to know what this is about.

"It's about Alison," he clarifies, and I can’t help but groan.

Seriously? The problem is a girl?

"Alison?" I ask, cocking an eyebrow.

"Yeah, the girl I'm seeing lately?" He adds to help my recall. I know Alison, but I won't waste a chance to mess with Spencer, especially considering he made me up early for this.

"I'm sorry. I don't remember that one. I lost track after Lonna," I shrug. Spencer rolls his eyes, knowing what I’m doing.

"Not now, (Y/N). This is important,” he scolds.

I look at him incredulously. What could be so important about a girl he's seeing?

"Okay, okay. Don't be so dense. What happens with the gorgeous Alison?" I ask, sipping my coffee.

"She may be pregnant," he suddenly says with a grimace.

"What?!" I squeal, almost choking on the coffee in my mouth. Spencer looks around us to see if someone is listening to our conversation.

"Shush! You wanna me repeat what I just said?" he whisper-shouts.

"Come on, Spencer. You must be kidding me.”

I take a napkin to clean the mess I made with my coffee.

“I’m afraid I’m not.”

“How come you, from all the people, don't know what birth control and condoms are?"

Spencer's cheeks flush. He is embarrassed, but his need to confide in someone is greater.

This is eating him alive.

"May I forget to use one a while ago? I mean, we were in a rush, and-" I cut him off.

"No. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know the details of your sex life. I'm just concerned about how reckless you have become, honestly.”

The last part isn’t intended to sound that rough. Spencer is a grown man who can do whatever he pleases with his life, but I‘m worried about him. Since prison happened, he has been stumbling and making poor decisions, including fooling around with women.

Spencer's gaze drops to the floor, just like a child being scolded by his parents. I hate to see him like this. I hate to see him hurting and lost. So I recant my grown-up role this time.

"Spencer, look at me." I pause until his eyes meet mine. "I'm sorry if it was harsh; I'm just worried, okay? Now tell me, Alison told you?"

He shakes his head.

"Not directly. But she told me she's been feeling sick, and this morning I - I heard her throwing up. And I am almost sure she didn't have her period last month," Spencer recounts each fact as his breathing picks up.

Great. A panic attack is what I needed now.

"Hey, hey. Just breathe, okay?" I urge, calling his attention. He nods and slowly does what I say.

After a minute, he starts to feel better to speak.

"What should I do?" Spencer groans, with both hands grabbing his head.

In a twisted way, I found the scene comical.

Spencer is asking me what to do. To me.

I mean, what could I even tell him? He's my friend, but this is far ahead of what I could advise someone for.

Let alone someone who I have feelings for.

Yeah. That's the hard truth.

Cliche as it sounds, I have feelings for my best friend. A man who will never reciprocate those feelings. That's how fuck up the situation is.

But after years of keeping that secret, I learned how to mask everything for the sake of our friendship and our jobs.

"For starters, we don't know if she is pregnant. Maybe it is just your paranoia. We must be sure, so you must ask her," I instruct. Spencer looks at me in horror as if I just said he needed to jump from the 20th floor.

"What? No! I can't do that!"

"You can, and you will. You can't keep stressing out about something you don't even know!"

"And what if she is? I should marry her?" My eyes widened at that.

And the people call him a genius.

"Spencer, don't rush to the next town when you haven't stepped in this one first. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. You both need to talk and decide if things turn that way, okay?"

He lets out a deep exhale.

"Okay. Okay. You're right."

Even if I want to slap him right now, I know I will never do it. Squeezing his shoulder affectionately, I let out my following words.

"You'll figure it out. Whatever it is, you'll know what to do, and I'll be by your side, okay? You're not alone."

Spencer looks at me with gratitude and a hint of relief. He knows I’m genuine in my statement. He knows I’ll be by his side no matter what.

It always has been that way.

We joined the team almost at the same time. While Jason Gideon recruited Spencer, Aaron Hotchner recruited me. Gideon insisted that Spencer’s brain and knowledge about everything would be an enormous asset to the team. Hotch did the same with me, pointing out how my interpersonal skills and impressive field experience would be valuable to the job. Different reasons, same outcome: being the newest made us closer. And not a long time after, we became best friends.

I was there when Spencer got abducted by Tobias Hankel. I was there when he struggled with his drug addiction. I consoled him when Gideon left and then when he died years later. I cared for him when he got shot in the knee and neck. We cried together when Emily ‘died.’ And after what happened to Maeve, I was there for all steps on the way. The last straw was Mexico and the three months in Millburn. I never missed a visit, and I was by his side when he had to talk to Cat Adams.

And the same way I have been for him, he has been for me. A few months after I joined the team, I got shot in the shoulder, and Spencer helped me a lot. He rode the ambulance with me when I got shot again in the abdomen three years later. He was with me when my dad passed away. Spencer comforted me when one of my long-term boyfriends dumped me. He took a serious role in rooting for me whenever I doubted myself in the job and life.

We know each other like the palm of our hands.

Everybody would have thought our friendship was forged to everlast. And I‘m still adamant about making it that way, even if after a few years of knowing each other, I realized I‘m in love with Spencer. How could I not?

Even at some point, those feelings could have been reciprocal. I noticed things between us changed after Hotch and Morgan left the team.

The stolen glances, the little touches, the overprotectiveness, the subtle flirting. I indulged myself with the idea that it was a natural turn to us be more than friends.

But then Mexico happened.

And things changed for Spencer and me.

The moment we understood what happened and that Spencer would be locked until we could find who did this to him, I didn't rest. I didn't sleep. I barely eat. But I put a brave face on him. I knew he was having the worst time there, so I was who encouraged him every chance I got.

But it didn't matter how hard we tried, how hard I tried. Spencer locked himself and didn't let anyone in. The day he was released, I hugged him first and felt some normalcy. He said how much he missed me, how much he missed us all.

Things went well for a while, but I could tell Spencer wasn't okay. He talked less; he looked distant and disaffected. Sure, Spencer was trying to cope with everything. And as before, I tended my hand to him to hold. And in a way, he took it, but not how it would help him heal.

Our relationship turned instrumental, at least for him.

He started failing in the job, lying to Emily about his whereabouts when he ran late. His mind was distracted more often. If he was reckless at the job before, now it was worse. He snapped more too. And for every time, I was there to cover him up. That's how everyone assumed he was still finding his balance, but I wasn't so sure.

Things worsened when Spencer discovered sex was an excellent way to release frustration. At first, I didn't think it could be a big deal. Getting laid wasn't a big deal. Not ideal for me, but I suppressed my jealousy for his sake. I would choose his well-being ten thousand times before my stupid love for him.

Still, things have not improved. Almost a year after Millburn, Spencer keeps stumbling, getting into trouble, and does not act as he should. I know I have my responsibility quote, but I'm too involved in this cycle to break it.

I want to say at least I have my friend, but that isn’t entirely true. Every time I have needed him in the past year, he hasn't been there. I could tell he hadn’t even noticed I had been losing weight or the doctor’s appointment I had to attend for feeling sick.

I’m alone by myself. It's sad, but I can’t force him. I’m not like that. I would never beg for affection from anyone who doesn’t want to give it, even if I needed it. People would say it is the wrong way, but I cannot be otherwise.

Some days after our coffee shop conversation, Spencer rushes to my desk to tell me the ‘good news.’ False alarm. Alison isn’t pregnant.

Spencer looks relaxed and relieved. Maybe it’s the wake-up call he needs to slow down. My hope is short-lived, though, because while he tells me everything, his phone ding. A smirk appears on his face when he sees the incoming text.

“What is it?” I ask, and Spencer bites his lower lip.

“I have a date,” he answers, typing on his phone.

“With Alison?” I narrow my eyes. He looks at me when he’s done sending the message.

“No! Of course not. I’m not going to make the same mistake again. I told her I needed time to think,” he explains like he’s talking about the weather.

“So you’re going to meet another girl without breaking up with Alison?”

“You can’t break up with someone you’re not officially involved with,” Spencer shrugs.

I want to kill him right now.

“God, Spencer. What are you doing?”

The question is primarily rhetorical, but Spencer answers nonetheless.

“Living, (Y/N). I’m living for the first time in my life.”

Can I argue with that logic? Sure. There is so much I can tell him. But I’m tired. Spencer doesn't see or hear reasons. Not even from me. It seems I have lost the privilege of being listened to by him.

Since that talk, I can’t stop thinking about what I am doing. Am I clasping onto something it doesn't exist anymore?

I don’t know the answer, and I don’t know if I want to get one. I’m just holding until I can’t do it anymore.

And that's how time flies. Things look relatively the same, and I'm just trying to float so I don't drown.

We just ended a gruesome case in Arizona. Our jet landed an hour ago, and everyone is in the mood for a drink. Rossi and Matt are the only ones with excuses to go home early.

Once there, Penelope grabs Luke’s hands and drags him to the dance floor. JJ offers to get us some drinks. Emily volunteers to help her.

Spencer is quiet, looking at me, but I barely notice. My mind is elsewhere.

“Are you okay?” He asks. The question takes me by surprise. In the past weeks, we haven’t talked that much.

“Yeah. Good. The case, you know?”

Spencer nods, but I see the worry lingering.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

I want to say I believe him, but I don’t. It’s been months since I felt that close to him. But even if I don’t believe him, I may voice my concern again.

“I don’t know,” I preface, and Spencer’s attention is full on me. It's weird, to say the least, but I will take the chance. “There is this thing bugging me. About our-” I can’t end my idea before the sound of someone squealing ‘Spencer!’ reach our ears.

The man in question snaps his head up. It's Alison. Before I can say anything, he stands, and after mumbling a ‘sorry,’ he goes to the girl calling his name.

There it goes. Nothing. Again.

I sigh before sipping my drink. What was I hoping, anyway?

JJ and Emily return to our table and ask for Spencer. Not even looking behind, I gesture to my back. They understand.

We set for drinking and complaining about whatever comes to mind. I know they know, but they are respectful enough not to push me.

The night is progressing, and I enroll in conversation with Luke and Penelope when they return from their dancing. After they leave, Emily cracks jokes to make me laugh, and JJ does her best to lose a little.

The sound of glass crushing gets our attention to the bar. There he was. Spencer is between two girls who are arguing about something. I recognize Alison, but not the other one.

“Ups. Someone is in trouble,” Emily mused. JJ shakes her head in a disapproving mood. I see Spencer’s eyes darting between the girls and trying to soothe the argument, failing miserably.

I ponder my options. I can leave him to deal with his mess for once or give him a hand. Emily reads my mind.

“Are you sure?” she asks. I shrug, standing from my spot.

“I wouldn’t like to see him complaining because one of those girls broke a bottle on his head.”

I stroll to where the action is happening, morphing my annoyed look into a confident one.

"Hey baby, I was looking for you!” I chirp, using the most loving voice as my arms wrap around Spencer’s torso.

The girls don’t look happy with my intrusion.

"We were talking with Spencer," Alison says as if I don't know that.

"Yeah, he was about to explain who he’ll choose between us," the other girl adds.

If I could have rolled my eyes, I would do it. Are they that naive? But they have a point: maybe Spencer would do what they want under pressure, even if he doesn't like it. That's why I‘m here. I know him.

"I'm so sorry, girls, but you got it wrong. This man is mine, and believe me when I tell you, you should be walking away right now. You don't want to mess with me, his wife, and the mother of his child waiting for us at home, right baby?" Now I talk to him.

Spencer's mouth goes agape, even more than Alison's and the other girl's.

"Your what?!" Alison yells. Her eyes are a few inches to pop out of their sockets.

"You have a child?!" The other looks as shocked as Alison.

Spencer only stutters incoherent words. They aren’t needed, though. After cursing him and letting out a bunch of expletives, both girls stomp out of the bar.

That’s when I notice I still have my arms around him. I pull away and clear my throat.

"You're welcome," I say before turning into my heels.

Spencer wraps my wrist to stop me. His eyes are curious, examining my features as if reading me. I return an annoyed look.

"What?"

"Why did you do it?" He asks as if he is really intrigued by my actions. It may feel more natural for me than for him.

"To save your ass? Come on, Reid. They would have eaten you alive," I scoff. Spencer chuckles, knowing that it is what could have happened.

"Yeah. But why you saved my ass? You could have feasted with the scandal."

I shrug. For a second, it crossed my mind just to be honest and give him a piece of my mind. But it‘s dangerous territory, so I opt for the safer way.

"That's what the friends are for. Even if you deserve being kicked in your ass sometimes," I try to sound light like it isn’t a big deal.

"Friends, uh?" Spencer points, mulling my words. I don't know why that specific word interests him, but I don’t read into it. "Well, thank you, then."

Now he is grinning as if a heavy weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

"You're going home?" I ask, thinking Spencer only wants to disappear from the bar after the recent events. He narrows his eyes and shakes his head like I’m talking nonsense.

"No. Not when I'm free to have a good time, at last."

"What?"

"Do you see those girls over there?" He points with his look to a group of women giggling and drinking on the opposite side of the bar.

My stomach drops to my feet as I look at him in disbelief.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?"

"To you? I would never. You're my best friend. Thanks again," Spencer says warmly before kissing my cheek and strolling to the group he has spotted.

And here I am, standing in the middle of the bar, with words stuck in my throat and the feeling that the last 10 minutes hadn't even happened. The bartender stares at me with that empathetic look that reflects more pity than anything else. I look back at him and ask for a drink. Since I’m there, I won’t waste the chance of alcohol replacing the burning I already feel in my stomach.

"Don't tell me. You saved his ass just to let him have the chance to screw it up again," Emily summarizes when I return to the table with my drink. Both have seen all the action in the bar that transpired a while ago.

"That's what the friends are for, right?" I mockingly parrot my own words. JJ scoffs.

"I don't doubt your loyalty to Spence. But don't you think it's too much? I mean, you cover him in all your capacities, and he's not taking any responsibility for his actions," she proffers. Emily nods in agreement.

"He has been through a lot. He's lost and needs help," I argue, sipping my vodka.

"We know that. But it's time Spencer takes the reign of his life. Also, it's time you focus on your own," Emily says, pointing her index finger at me.

"What do you mean?" I ask defensively.

And there are again the pity looks.

"We know you have feelings for him. That's more than friendship, we can tell. But it's not going anywhere, and you know it. When was the last time you dated, uh?" JJ questions. Her words stab me right in my chest. I let out a deep sigh.

"Exactly." Emily seconds. "You need to think about what's healthy for you. That doesn't mean you don't care about Spencer, but he must figure it out himself."

As a cue, I turn to look at the bar direction. Spencer wraps his arm around a girl's waist, his lips ghosting her ear, whispering God knows what but making the girl giggle.

JJ and Emily are right. I’m not genuinely helping him. It is just the faint hope that I could make him see me. Really see me.

After another drink with the girls, I decide to go home.

And I decide it is time to let him go.

But honestly speaking, what does that mean? It's not that feelings can disappear overnight. It's not that one day you wake up and say, "That's enough." At the end of the day - feelings aside - Spencer is my friend, and he trusts me even in his darkest moments. But the girls are right when they say friendship goes both ways. It doesn't work if he can't respect my boundaries.

So I went over my limits. What am I willing to tolerate, and what am I not? In the first place, I won’t cover him up in lies in front of the team anymore. If he has to take a scolding from Emily for being irresponsible, so be it. Second, I won’t put up with being the go-to person for any of his mess with women. And finally, I’m not going to justify his behavior to anyone. If anyone has a problem with him, they should tell him directly. I would no longer be an interlocutor between Spencer Reid and the rest of the world.

It didn’t pass long before those limits were tested again.

Some days after what happened at the bar, I arrived at the BAU for a new case. We scheduled the meeting in the conference room at 9:00.

It’s 9:05, and Spencer still has yet to arrive. As expected, everyone is asking me what happened to Reid. I shrug. At the same time, Spencer texts me, saying he is running late and asking me to say he had a problem on the subway. I know it isn’t true, so I pretend I never got the message. That brought him explaining himself to Emily when he arrived all disheveled at 9:30.

Things like that keep happening. Spencer keeps showing up late for work and lies about the reasons. Sometimes he is nowhere to see in the bullpen, only to reappear with his hair untamed and his shirt partially untucked. Those times, opposite to the previous ones, I don’t tell him to fix himself.

Not to mention the number of calls and texts he has sent me in unholy hours to ask me what he should do about his new conquers. Calls and texts I start to ignore. That last behavior is what he resented the most, I could tell.

One morning he shows up at the conference room where I’m checking a stack of files scattered over the table. The rest of the team minding their own business downstairs.

"Are you mad at me?" He bluntly asks. I raise an eyebrow, looking at him from my manila folder.

"No. I'm not,” I reply, unbothered. But if I know Spencer enough, he will not be satisfied with my answer.

"Yes, you are. You have been avoiding me. Last night I called you, and you didn't answer."

He is the one mad at me. Or at least upset. Which one was it? It doesn’t matter; he feels ignored, and he hates it.

"I was sleeping,” I answer with the same flat tone. That spurs more of his anger.

"That's not true. You don't hit the pillow before 1 am!"

Well, Spencer does pay attention, at least for that kind of thing. Months ago, I would have felt flattered. Now? It feels void and just to his service.

"Maybe last night I did."

Spencer scoffs this time.

"I don't think so. I know you (Y/N),” he defies. Maybe he thought I would bite the bullet and apologize for ignoring him.

"Whatever. Why you called me, anyway? Did you want to tell me how your new girl screamed your name in bed?" I deadpan.

Spencer’s eyes widened.

"What?! No! I- I just,” he pauses. “I just wanted to talk to you!"

“Why?” I interject.

I’m so tired of this. I’m tired of the real reasons why Spencer needs me.

His face flushes, thinking of his following words.

“I - uh. We haven’t talked in a long time. Our last movie night was a month ago. And you haven’t called me either. I miss you,” he mumbles.

I huff a laugh. Does he really think I would believe that?

“You see me every day here, Reid,” I say with the same monotonous tone, returning my gaze to the file I’m reading.

Reid. That should have been the sign he searches for, even if his mind isn’t clear enough to put two and two together.

He scoots closer, softly bending down the file in my hands.

“(Y/N), hey. Please, talk to me. Don’t let me in the dark,” he pleads. I turn my gaze away from him. The sadness and the anger boil inside. It’s exhausting.

“I'm sorry. Whatever I did, I’m sorry. I want to fix it. Tell me what it is,” Spencer insists, this time with a hand over mine.

I glance at him in silence. Could a look be enough to convey everything stuck in my chest? Years ago, it could have worked with Spencer. The friendship we had back then was stronger enough to make that happen. Just a look, and each one knew what the other was thinking. Now it is just noise that could or not mean something.

How he looks at me now, lost in the signs I‘m giving him and eager for me to say something, tells me what I already know. I wonder if I would let it out this time or bottle it up again.

“I’m just tired, you know?”

My mouth works on its own accord. My brain isn’t able to stop it. Spencer examines my face looking for something to anticipate what could be coming. His clueless is irritating.

“I’m tired of hoping you can realize how badly you hurt yourself—and waiting for you to do something about it,” I blurt, knowing this is not what he wants to hear.

“What do you mean?” He asks, leaning back in a defensive mode.

“You know exactly what I mean. You are failing yourself, Spencer. You still can’t stand your ground. And you keep ignoring it!”

I punctuate my statement by shoving the file over the table. Spencer gets startled by my action.

“If you are talking about what happened the other night in the bar. It doesn't -” He explains, but I cut him off.

“No! It's everything! Can’t you see it? It's the way you lie to your teammates, the way you do your job, like it doesn't matter to you. The way you turn everything into something meaningless. The relationships you have, your job, your friends. Everything!”

Spencer’s face steels. I know he doesn't like being called out. He hates that. But I wouldn’t spare him the trouble this time.

“You are being unfair (Y/N),” he says with gritted teeth, standing to put some distance from me.

“Am I? Oh, no. If something I’m sure of is the unfairness doesn't fall on me.”

I spit back, standing as well to show him I wouldn’t back off. After running his hands through his hair, he turns to me. He has a look of betrayal on him.

Betrayal? The audacity of this man.

"Yes! You are! You, better than anyone, know it hasn't been easy for me! Life - life in Millburn changed me, and it has been so difficult to settle it down. You know that! Those were the worst three months of my life!"

Millburn. It was like a prohibited word for us. He didn't like to say it or hear it from me.

"So that gives you the right to ruin the good things in your life, uh? Because you are a lost soul in this world?” I try to reason, but that only gives me a burlesque laugh from him.

"And what if it were so? It's not like I have much to lose, right?"

And there it is—the broken man. The guy who still believes no one loves him and he doesn't deserve to be loved. All the years of work to put those walls down returned to zero after he got imprisoned.

"Do you really believe that? Do you really believe your self-destructive behavior only affects you? I didn't think you were so selfish, Spencer."

Although I know the answer, I ask nonetheless. And even though I know that selfishness isn’t something Spencer deliberately wants, maybe voicing it could help me to bring him back.

“Selfish? Says the person I trusted with my life, and now it’s throwing everything back to me?”

Or not.

“Stop doing that! Stop assuming everyone is attacking you! If we need to blame someone, of course, we can blame Cat Adams. But now she’s dead, Spencer! And what about you? For God’s sake! You had endured so much in your life, and now you’re going to let that bitch keep destroying you from the grave?”

My voice gets hoarse from the yelling, and for the first time during this conversation, Spencer doesn't spit something back immediately.

The hurt expression on his face morphs into defeat. He doesn't want to fight back. He doesn’t want to get out of the hole.

We keep looking at each other silently, daring the other to say anything.

Spencer tries to mask his glassy eyes, breaking eye contact and looking at the ceiling. And seeing him like this spurs the desire to run and hug him, holding him. But I can’t. I swore not to back down.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N). But this is who I am now,” he mumbles after a few minutes.

I exhale sharply. Why is it so difficult for him to understand?

“Keep telling yourself that, but deep down, you know it's not true,” I argue, but with no energy to keep yelling. But it's like fuel to Spencer’s anger.

“Why do you care anyway? Is it because you are my friend?” He mockingly air quotes the word ‘friend.’ “Well, it seems my friendship doesn't satisfy you anymore, does it?”

I pinch the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes.

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not? You are not comfortable with the person I am. You don't want my company anymore. You don’t trust me. It's very clear to me.”

I need to get out of here before I say something I may regret or Spencer does it burying any chance of us being okay again.

“Where are you going? Doesn’t feel okay hearing the truth, (Y/N)?”

“You are angry, and we can’t keep talking like this,” I mumbled, trying to pass to the exit door.

“Are you chicken out now? That's how you understand loyalty?” Spencer calls me out this time. He’s testing me, and I can’t take it anymore.

“Don’t question my loyalty. If anything, loyalty is what you have been getting from me since always! Don’t you dare to doubt it!”

My voice is going to break at any minute, and I don’t know what to do to push away this suffocating feeling.

”Let me have suspicions about that,” he scoffs, and I want to cry.

How unfair. How painful.

“Oh no, no, no. Not that. You know what? I’m done. Fuck you, Spencer! Fuck you and your fucking cluelessness and self-loathing. I have been by your side in thick and thin. I have given you everything!”

I bet my screaming is being heard throughout the entire floor right now, but I don’t fucking care. I’m not going to stop right now. “God! Even I would have died for you! But you don’t deserve anything of it. You don’t deserve my loyalty and much less my love.”

I notice how Spencer’s eyes widen with my last sentence.

“Your what,” he barely mumbles.

The secret is out. But it's too late. I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a deep breath.

“Yes. You heard right. I said, ‘My love.’ Because I fucking love you. I have been in love with you for ages! But I chose our friendship above all, and what I got? A friend who can’t see beyond his shit. Hell, everyone’s right. I deserve better!”

I can’t stop the tears from springing, and I hate myself for not being stronger to endure this.

“(Y/N)… why you didn't tell me?”

He's being cautious and slowly tries to approach, reaching for my hand.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”

“(Y/N),” he tries again. “We can talk about this, please.”

I hate this. I don't want his pity. Honestly, I don't want anything at all. I thought saying the truth would help me to lift a weight from my shoulders. Now I just want to run anywhere in the world where nobody knows me. I’m sick, and being by his side, in any capacity, would no do better to me.

“No. We can’t. Too little too late, Spencer. I’m done. I really hope you can find whatever you're looking for. I hope you do. You deserve to be happy. And so do I. Take care, okay? And I’m sorry for lying to you. I told you I’ll always be by your side, but I can’t. Not like this.”

I look at him for the last time, patting his shoulder and giving him a sad smile. He doesn't say anything; he only stands there, following my steps with his gaze until I reach the door and shut it behind me.

——————

Spencer Reid's Taglist: @dreatine​ @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @tvandfanfic​ @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19 @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @pauline5525mgg @disaster-in-waiting @anamiad00msday @milivanili99 @laylasbunbunny @leahblackk @miaxx03 @missabsey @taintedstranger

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid angst #spencer reid x fem!reader #dr. spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x fem!bau!reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #more than you know #aperrywilliams

[st4rgzer]

Can you write a about the reader loving Matt sm but knowing he doesn’t like her back. Liek don’t have a super happy ending but also don’t have a super sad one. Do it inspired by me and …

UNREQUITED (matt sturniolo)

summary: the reader experiences some unresponsive feelings from a special someone

genre: angst

cw: taylor swift references maybe…? Is that a warning? Other than that I really don’t think theres much

a/n: as always, @iha8you ‘s request, ly, also dw you’ll get him🙏

This winter had been hell for me, it was always my favorite holiday, the cool air, snow, when it rained and I got to stay home playing boardgames with my mum, or I finally got to read that book that had been collecting dust on my shelf for ages now that it was dark and rainy. No, none of it this year. Every time I hung out with him I held my breath, in fear I’ll do something wrong, take too much space, become too much of a liability. Its stupid, just stupid, I’m his best friend, known him since i was 16 years old, but he seemed so much more older, and wiser.I belittle myself next to him, instead of just letting go, I take a mental note of every little gesture he does that correlates in any way to me, every choice of words, I save them to then divulge them later. It’s draining, not knowing if its just all in your head. If you’ve got it wrong…

“y/n? Hellooo, are you there” i snapped out of my meditative state.I was cross legged on my bedroom floor with two of my closest friends, I didnt even remember what we were talking about anymore.

“yeah sorry i was just distracted” I sighed tying my hair back into a low ponytail and resting my hands on my knees

“we were talking about Matt? Y’know you actually have a chance with him, did you see the way he talked to you earlier?” My friends were only feeding into my delusions, the other nodded in agreement. Even if he did actually see me like that, i dont know what i would do, we’ve been friends since highschool, everything would just be too weird and messy, it wouldn’t be right, no, not with me, not with him.

“No, guys, stop, you’re all just talking nonsense and it just makes everything worse” I groaned, placing my head between my hands.

“C’mon, who could ever leave you?” She says giggling, looking over at my other friend, it wasn’t funny, not in that moment at least. I felt despaired, I know it’s obvious I like him, maybe no one actually takes it seriously when i throw in some extra compliments once in a while of some flirty remarks, but I never try to hide it, except the real thing of course. I know my love should be celebrated, I shouldn’t settle for someone who just tolerates it, but I keep going back to the same thing, always, no matter how many people I see, no matter how many excuses I make to not hang out, its like a moth to a flame, I know im bound to get burnt, trust me. My friends keep convincing me, I feel petty having to listen to them try and make me feel better. Sometimes I come close to actually getting serious then I just think its a waste of time, he just always assumes im fine when my eye contact becomes non existent and my words get mixed up, I dont think he notices it at least, I dont think he ever notices. I guess this means im just doomed, It doesn’t matter how many times my friends reassure me, how many “glances” i pick up from him, Im never going to be one of his main concerns, unrequited. Im always just dimly lit, just enough. I should start trying to accept, settle, “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”.

a/n: this is kind of sht i wrote this at 1:00am, I’ll write more with requests🙏😊😊

#matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo x reader #sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo image #matt sturniolo angst

[fandsart]

To Be Friends

I’ve exaggerated some of Nancy’s negative character traits slightly in this story, but it’s also for the sake of her developing past them.

Robin usually sits alone, as sad as that is. It’s whatever; she’s comfortable with it. She can usually get some reading done without any interruptions. But it’s the first day back at school since they took down Vecna, and she’s pleasantly surprised when Nancy sits across from her. They smile at each other, a little stiff without a common goal they’re trying to work for.

“You packed a lunch today,” Nancy states awkwardly.

“Actually Steve made this for me. He always dotes more after, uh… notable events. Sometimes it’s just a particularly bad nightmare. One time Dustin popped a bike tire and Steve bought him a helmet after it was fixed. He gets spikes in paranoia when he’s reminded how easily things can go wrong.”

“That does sound like him. You should try dating him.”

Robin’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Is that a real suggestion?”

“Oh! No, I just mean that he doted on me all the time when he was dating me.”

“Yeah, he’s a real sap.”

There’s a lull in the conversation before Nancy speaks up again. “It is surprising you aren’t a couple. You’re both very attractive.”

“Uh… so? I mean, thank you? I mean… I’m not interested. He’s not my type.”

Nancy hums. “Don’t worry. I understand.”

“You… do?”

“I actually have dated Steve. It probably would have been smarter to be friends first. You’re smart that way.”

“... Thank you?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’m sure you’re well aware of the bullet you dodged.”

Robin chuckles uncomfortably. “Maybe? I guess that depends on what exactly you’re referring to.”

“You said yourself he tends to dote. It’s so much more extreme when he’s dating you. I don’t need to use his jacket for the one minute walk from the school to the car. I don’t need him opening doors for me. I can do that myself.”

“Uh-huh…” Robin says, trying to keep her eyes from squinting.

“And he gets so clingy. And emotional. I swear sometimes it was more like he wanted me to be his mom than his girlfriend, which is honestly so privileged. He cut off his friends for me, so it became my job to comfort him about it?”

“He was friends with them for a long time, and he didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it. He’d kind of just cut off all his other friends,” she tries to joke.

“They were assholes,” Nancy says, maintaining seriousness. “He shouldn’t have been so caught up on them.”

“If he didn’t realize just how shitty they were until you, then he must have had a lot of good experiences with them too. A lot to be conflicted about.” She knows this is the case, because Steve’s talked to her about it too.

“He shouldn’t have been friends with them in the first place.”

“So why did you date Steve for so long? Like a year, right? If he was such a shitty boyfriend? You shouldn’t have been dating in the first place?”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“Because Steve was popular. Everyone loves him, but the only other person I thought might want me was too preoccupied to look at me. I waited a month with nothing. Can you really blame me for wanting to feel wanted and liked after my best friend died?”

“No, but I can blame you for using that as your excuse while apparently hating anything he did because he wanted and liked you. You literally started your complaints about how doting he can be.”

“What, like you don’t think it’s annoying?” And Robin knows what she means by that, but ‘annoying’ would never be the word she would use to describe it. Just… overwhelming sometimes. But understandable. “Besides, that was more of a pet peeve. You were the one who brought that up. There’s a reason I moved my complaints to him crying over his positive choices.”

And that startles Robin a bit. “He actually cried over it?”

Nancy rolls her eyes. “It was a hyperbolic idiom. But my point remains. Everyone loves him, but he was just upset that those two assholes didn’t anymore.”

“If everyone loves him why did no one turn up?”

“I’m sorry?”

“You say everyone loves him like he could have anyone, but you were all he had after Tommy and Carol immediately turned on him for pushing back one time.”

“You know what, that’s another thing. Why even be upset that someone who was willing to turn on you that quickly, did?”

“Well under that logic Steve should hate you then, shouldn’t he?”

“Oh, is that what this is about? Fine, go shoot your shot. I’m sure he’d love to have you. But don’t come crawling to me when he becomes too much for you.” With that she gets up from the table and sits at a newly vacant table.

Robin’s never ditched school before, but now she wants nothing more than to bike over to family video and hug her favorite person.

↞⬡+¤+⬡↠

She manages to talk herself out of skipping. She only had 2 and a half hours of school left after lunch, and none of the classes left were her best. Steve would take his break to pick her up anyway, so why put in the effort to bike all of the way there? Still, she has such a hard time concentrating on the last classes.

When she finally gets out, Steve is already parked in his usual spot, and she plops down into the seat.

“Bad day?” Steve asks.

“You know how you were hoping we could have some kind of outing with Nancy and Jonathan before the latter has to go back to California?”

“Yeah?”

“Scratch that. We’re not doing it.”

“What happened?”

She hesitates. She doesn’t want to be the one to tell him, but she also isn’t going to keep this from him. “Nancy told me that she didn’t like dating you, basically.”

“Oh, yeah, I know that.”

“And what, you're just ok with hanging out with her now?”

“I mean, it’s not her fault. She tried to like it. It’s not her fault she didn’t.”

“But it is her fault for not telling you how she felt about it. Let you think everything was fine. That’s leading you on.”

Steve shrugs. “It’s not like she was trying to do that. And it’s not like hanging out with her now would involve any kind of hope that we’d get back together. She didn’t like me as a boyfriend, but we can still be friends.”

“How do you know she likes you as a friend? If she lied to you about liking you as a boyfriend.”

“We should get to work before my break is up,” he says, putting the car into gear.

They don’t talk about it after that. They don’t talk much at all for the rest of the day.

↞⬡+¤+⬡↠

Robin doesn’t eat lunch in the cafeteria after that, not wanting to deal with Nancy again. She doesn’t necessarily know that Nancy would try to start up that conversation again, but even just seeing her in the hall sours her mood a bit, so she doesn’t need to be dealing with that.

So she’s sitting in an empty classroom eating lunch when Nancy finds her.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

Robin glares. “Is this not mutually beneficial?”

Nancy sighs. “Look,” she starts as she sits in the seat beside Robin, “I’m not great at taking criticism. I’m a very defensive person. I’m not good at admitting when I’m wrong, but… I was, so…”

“So…” Robin prompts.

“So you were right. I just… needed to sit on all the points for a while before I could calm down enough to actually consider them.”

“Ok. But what are you going to do about it?”

“I’m… apologizing?”

“For what?”

Nancy rolls her eyes, but answers anyway. “For snapping at you, and not listening to what you were trying to tell me.”

“Ok. So what about Steve?”

“What about him?”

“Are you going to apologize to him too?”

“For fighting with you?” She lets out a confused breathy laugh. “I know you guys are close but is that necessary?”

“Are you serious right now?”

Nancy blinks a few times before jolting a little. “Oh! I was too focused on- yeah, I should. It’s just been so long I wasn’t even thinking about it.”

“Do you want to be friends with Steve?”

“What do you mean?”

“He still respects you, and wants to reconnect after… everything. I don’t want you to let him drag you to hang outs because it’s easier than denying a simple request, then blowing up at him about it later. Again. I don’t know if he’d come back from it a second time.”

“I honestly don’t know,” Nancy sighs. “If I want to be friends with him. I feel like… he carries an association… The whole year I was with him I was in mourning, and we only reconnected recently because of, as you worded it, ‘recent events.’ I just… every time I’ve been with him in one way or another… something bad was going on. I feel like being friends with him would just leave me on edge all the time.”

“Make sure he knows that then.” She picks up her now empty lunch tray and moves to leave the room.

“Wait, Robin!”

“Yeah?” she stops by the doorway.

“Can we still be friends?”

“I don’t know… But we can be more than not friends.”

“Yeah… I’d want to be more than ‘not friends’ with Steve too.”

“Make sure he knows.”

“Yeah…”

We never really see how Nancy responds to being wrong, because she’s never written to be. My headcanon for how she responds to it is that she gets really pissed, but after sitting on it for a long time she has a hard time denying when there’s an imbalance. She’s logical enough to know what’s right, but she’s stubborn, and bias towards her own perspective, so things like this do need to get pointed out to her and it takes her a while to come around.

#platonic stobin #stobin #platonic with a capital p #robin buckley #nancy wheeler #steve harrington #anti ronance #fanfic #ficlet #stranger things #fandsart

[kyberrebel]

Things that went through my mind during Ahsoka Episode 6

Ahsoka is talking about not having enough time to prepare Sabine to make the right choice about leaving to find Ezra, when I don’t think any amount of training could have changed her mind. Kanan’s gone, Hera, Chopper and Zeb are often off doing New Republic stuff. Even with Ahsoka back as her Master, she is probably still feeling extremely alone. She loves Ezra, and there is no way Ahsoka could have convinced her not to go.

“Perhaps for Sabine it was the only choice.” See, Huyang gets it

Huyang saying “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away” is making me laugh my ass off

It’s hilarious, yet makes me slightly uncomfortable, since Star Wars never really breaks the fourth wall

How dare they not let Sabine share a room with her new girlfriend, Shin

OKAY BUT SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT THE WAY SHIN LOOKS AT SABINE IN THE COCKPIT, I love my space lesbians

Wow, Shin has talked more in this episode than she has in the whole show so far.

Baylon DEFINITELY has his own plan he is hiding from Morgan and the witches. Can’t wait to see how that goes

SABINE IS FINALLY USING THE FO- oh, never mind

The shot of the battered Star Destroyer arriving combined with the music is giving me chills

Hey, those are some cool ass looking Stormtroo- OH SHIT ITS THRAWN

ITS ABOUT TIME

Such an amazing entrance into live-action for him. I feel it is definitely succeeding at letting casual, non-rebel-watching fans know how important and how big of a figure he is.

I’m sorry but he still totally looks like a blue Elon Musk. 

Soooooo… Where’s Ezra?

I just know Ezra would love collecting all those cool Stormtrooper helmets

I don’t know what the rat-dog thing  is but I love him

SABINE USE YOUR LIGHTSABER

Oh hey, she actually listened to me

Lars Mikkelsen is doing a great job so far at portraying Thrawn in live-action. His mannerisms and body language are just like they were in Rebels. 

STOP YELLING AT THE RAT-DOG, SABINE, HE CAME BACK AND IS TRYING HIS BEST

No, but seriously Rat-Dog is adorable and I would die for him

*Me singing* Teenage mutant ninja turtles, teenage mutant ninja turtles!

TMNT-looking dudes know Ezra… Okay where is he then?? 

AGHHHJBJKSDK IT’S EZRA

EZRA I MISSED YOU *actually crying*

Ngl I’m kind of sad his hair isn’t blue BUT I’M STILL SO HAPPY HE’S HERE 

We all needed that hug, let’s be honest

Rat-dog is called a Howler? Good to know.

I was so scared that Ezra would be all traumatized, depressed, and a shell of himself when we saw him again, I’m so happy that’s not the case. He seems to be doing great, all things considering

I wonder if Sabine will give him back his lightsaber, or if he has been using the force at all since he’s been gone.

I hate to nitpick, but, they made his eyes blue (which I’m happy about) but not his hair??

Oh right, for a few minutes, I actually forgot Ahsoka was on her way and that this was her show

Like how last episode was for TCW fans, this episode was for Rebels fans!! Another great episode.

#ahsoka spoilers #star wars #ahsoka tano #ahsoka #ahsoka show #ahsoka series #ezra bridger #thrawn

[lfghughes]

Me + All Your Reasons (pt.2)

a/n: for all my peeps that wanted a second part here you go. if you like it, let me know if you’d like a part 3. also for my nonnie earlier who gave me that writing tip, thank you so much! i hope this makes it a little easier for you all to read and that you guys enjoy it more now.

It had been a few days since you had seen Nico at Mr. Purple and you hadn’t heard anything from him which was a relief in a sense because you didn’t want to talk about all that. You were pretty upset and you were second guessing your choices. Why couldn’t you just let yourself be happy? You knew why because you had everything to lose. You liked Nico, you really did but if you dated him you could potentially lose your job or not be taken as seriously. Also it was hard enough being in this field and you didn’t want people discrediting your hard work by saying you were only here to date athletes.

Jacks birthday was coming up and he had been nice enough to invite you to his birthday party out at some club. You knew some of the boys were going to Worlds and you had honestly assumed Nico more than likely wouldn’t be there. Not that you would really miss out on Jacks birthday since it was a nice invite. Dressed up and ready to go you met up with the boys who were sticking around for a little while longer this summer. The club was your typical club, too many people, very tight space but it was fun. “A shot for the birthday boy” You handed Jack a shot which you were sure was just one of many.

That was when you saw him approach and your heart sank to your stomach. Or maybe that’s what butterflies felt like, you weren’t sure anymore. He gave you a small nod of the head as he greeted everyone. Deciding to put your big girl pants on and make it less awkward for the two of you, you went up to him to spark a conversation. “I figured you’d be gone on a plane overseas already.” Was that relief you saw on his face? Maybe you weren’t the only one who was hoping that things wouldn’t be awkward going forward. “I leave tomorrow. I’m going to get another drink, want one too?” He asked and you nodded your head.

This time around you stuck with Nico, a part of you sad that he would be gone for the entirety of the summer and you were already missing work a little. The two of you kept up a conversation an easy one before he asked if he could ask you a question. You knew what it would be before he even said anything but you led him to a part of the club that was kind of quieter and away from everyone else’s eyes. “What’s up?” You asked even though you knew the answer. “I just want to know why, I mean it’s okay if you really don’t want to talk about it. I’m just confused.” Which you could understand why.

A sigh fell from your lips as you thought over the best way to describe this. “We work together and I just can’t risk my career.” He nodded his head as if he understood and it looked like he was about to drop it all together. “I should probably start heading home, big flight tomorrow. I hope you have a good summer.” He turned before you could really say anything else and there was that empty feeling again. “Nico wait!” You ran up and grabbed his arm in an attempt to stop him which actually ended up being easier because he immediately turned to see what you needed or wanted. 

Before you could even think it through your hands went to his face as you moved to kiss him. At first you were nervous he would do the same thing you did yesterday and pull away but instead you felt him return the kiss, his hands going to your hips and holding you close to him. You both stayed like that for a minute before breaking apart to breathe but it almost seemed like neither of you wanted to step too far from one another and break this bubble you created around yourselves. “I’ll uhm let you go home now to get some rest.”

#nico hischier #nico hischier x reader #nico hischier blurb #nico hischier imagine #( me + all your reasons ft nico hischier )

[ceebit]

congrats on 300 !!! so well deserved :^D

for your 300 event, can you write a fluffy letter from seungcheol that he gives to you on your wedding night?

thanks, and congrats again !!!

from seungcheol, to you.

angel,

don’t open this until the big day. i’ll know if you did…

i really don’t know what to say. can you believe it’s been this long? the years have flown by and i got to spend each day with the thought of you not far from my mind, each night with you fitting perfectly in my arms. it makes me feel a little silly thinking about it—childish, almost, like i’m a teenager again and can’t form words to describe the way you make my heart twist and turn.

you make me feel like i’m floating, however sappy or cringey that may sound if you’re reading this out loud. seeing you after long, aching days of works releases the tensions in my shoulders and getting to hold you close is a privilege i take seriously like no other. not that i’m ever planning to, but if i ever make you feel sad ever, you have full permission to whack me over the head with whatever’s available on hand. i can take it.

anyway. marriage. just seeing this word written—thinking it, feeling it, knowing it—it makes me emotional. knowing you chose me out of anyone else. knowing you chose me to keep you safe, to hold and protect you at your lowest, and see and love you at your most comfortable. any other honor pales in comparison to the choice you made to say yes when i got down on one knee. i’ll never forget the promise i made to you that day, and the promise i intend to keep after you walk down that aisle and seal it with a kiss.

i’m always going to be yours, now. will always be yours. in sickness and health, for better or worse, in life up until death and whatever comes after.

forever and ever yours,

cheol.

p.s.,

i can’t believe you actually agreed to marry me. never going to shut up about it, now. that ring is grounds for bragging rights about having the best partner in the entire world. prepare to be sick of me. (lovingly, i hope)

thank you for your kind words and for requesting! hope you enjoy this <3

cece’s 300 follower event !!

#shua.300 #scoups x you #scoups x reader #scoups x y/n #svt x you #svt x reader #svt x y/n #seventeen x you #seventeen x reader #seventeen x y/n #scoups fluff #svt fluff #seventeen fluff

[a-silent-symphony]

We got Nightwish's Tuomas Holopainen to rank every single album by the band from worst to best

We asked Nightwish founder Tuomas Holopainen to rank the band's albums from worst to best - and some of his choices surprised us

From fantastical realms to elaborate filmic sagas and love-letters to Darwinism, the Nightwish discography is rich in intrigue – and low on dullmoments. As its central creator, Tuomas Holopainen is inextricably bound to the sounds, feelings and memories that saturate each of these nine albums.

His life is in this music. But if it came to it, in a castaway situation, which albums would he most (and least) want to be stuck with? It’s a tough call. “They are my children,” he pleads, “how would they feel if they saw the ranking? Wishmaster would be so sad!” Still, he did manage to settle on an order, and here it is...

9. Wishmaster (Spinefarm, 2000)

“It went to No.1 in Finland, but to me Wishmaster is one of those albums that was kind of ‘in-between’. It doesn’t stand out to me on a personal level. There was nothing revolutionary about it after [1998’s] Oceanborn.

It was made in a really good spirit – everybody in the band was happy after the success of Oceanborn – so this was just a natural continuation of that. But it didn’t really introduce anything spectacularly new for me personally. I think that’s my problem with it. If Ihad to pick a favourite song, I think I’d pick Dead Boy’s Poem; lyrically, it’s very much in the essence of Nightwish.”

8. Angels Fall First (Spinefarm, 1997)

“Our debut sounds so innocent because it was done as a demo. It was never supposed to be released, but we sent it to the record label and they said, ‘Let’s put this out!’ It still has my parents’ home address on the booklet.

“When I founded Nightwish in July 1996, I just wanted to do moody acoustic music. Since me and Emppu [Vuorinen, guitars] had a strong metal background, it was a natural transition to do something heavier, but that original acoustic band idea can be heard strongly. We couldn’t find anybody to sing, so I kind of dug a hole and fell into it myself.

"We played Elvenpath years later on the Decades tour, and I can’t understand how Floor was able to keep a straight face singing those lyrics – to her credit, she did! I just remember the kid that I was back then, writing those songs, and I kind of miss that kid, because it was all about Donald Duck and fantasy books and snowmen and things fantastical.

"Nymphomaniac Fantasia? Not my proudest moment. But it was done because there was a young kid who had some, I don’t know… issues, ha ha ha! Love-life gone wrong or something. It was a different time.”

7. Century Child (Spinefarm, 2002)

“After Wishmaster, I seriously considered quitting the band, especially thanks to the departure of the [original] bass player [Sami Vänskä] and my slight burnout. Then I went on a hiking trip in Lapland with Tony Kakko from Sonata Arctica, and he talked me over that.

"We needed a new bass player, and we needed management because until then it was me and Jukka [Nevalainen] the drummer taking care of the business side. So we got management, and we got Marko [Hietala, bassist/ singer until 2021], who was already a big name in Finnish metal – we were all big fans.

"There was a lot of bad stuff happening in the band as well – that’s reflected on the album. Slaying The Dreamer was a way to get rid of all that frustration. Artistically I found film music, Hans Zimmer above all, and that really can be heard on Century Child. But the album didn’t take us much on the next level. Artistically it did, but not commercially.”

6. Dark Passion Play (Nuclear Blast, 2007)

“It was a really easy album to write because all the emotions were there so strongly, after what happened with Tarja [Turunen, original vocalist who was dismissed from the band in 2005], and everything in my personal life. I was about to lose my mental health, and then doing the songs for this album saved it.

"I’m a very private person, but I write about some really personal things, and these people – Anette [Olzon], for this record – are singing it out for the whole world to hear. Ineeded to do a song like The Poet And The Pendulum, where I killed myself in the lyrics; I had to do it for my mental health, and it ended up being a wonderful piece of music.”

5. Imaginaerum (Nuclear Blast, 2011)

“Again, this was a pretty easy album to write – we all had a good time with it. When it comes to songwriting, I’m a morning person. I’ll wake up about six when I’m at home, then a litre of coffee and I’m off. Usually I’m done by two or three o’clock. I write songs upstairs in my little home studio – just a keyboard and a lakeside view. In the studio with the band, the other members and the engineers are more night owls. Also in the tour bus it’s always me up first, making coffee downstairs.

“It was clear from the start that this would end up being a film. We thought, ‘What haven’t we done yet? Let’s do a music video for every song on the album, and then somehow combine them to become this really weird film.’ It’s a very optimistic album. It just puts a big smile on your face.”

4. Once (Nuclear Blast, 2004)

“One of the best times that this band has ever had was 2003- 2004, making the Once album, and the first part of the tour after that. In late 2003 we flew to London to record the orchestras. I rang the studio doorbell and Rick Wakeman opened the door. I think I said, ‘Errr… [makes incoherent starstruck noise] Thanks!’

"We went to the studio, started playing Ghost Love Score and my face melted. Like, ‘I’m next to Wembley, listening to the orchestra playing a song that I wrote, this is really life at its best.’

"Something happened with that album – all the stars were aligned. I remember looking at the album charts and seeing ‘Nightwish, Michael Jackson, Anastasia’ and going ‘Really?!’ I don’t think any of us were quite prepared. You get sucked into this massive world of big tours and worship from the fans, then the money starts to flow in, and it’s easy to lose your perspective. Impulse purchases? I did a round the-world trip on my own, it was wonderful. But money has very little meaning to me."

3. Oceanborn (Spinefarm, 1998)

“Our ambition went through the roof after Angels Fall First, because we all realised that this is actually really fun. I was studying biology, Tarja was studying singing, I think in Germany, Jukka was studying to be a computer engineer, Emppu was working in a carpet factory.

"Music was just a hobby. And then we realised, ‘There’s something going on here, so let’s put all the focus in Nightwish for maybe a few years, and see what happens.’ It was eight hours every day in the rehearsal room, playing the songs and just really feeling it. It was the watershed album for us, it took us to the next level.

"All the guys, we had just gotten out of the army so we all had short hair, we had no idea about the metal scene at all. We were complete countryside hickeys who just happened to like metal music, and we were given this chance to show what we could do with a three-album deal. It shouldn’t have worked on paper, but somehow it did.”

2. Endless Forms Most Beautiful (Nuclear Blast, 2015)

“If Floor hadn’t come along, I think that would have been the end of the band. We got over an ugly divorce once [with Tarja], then again with Anette, then Floor comes along and everything shines bright again. She learned the setlist in 48 hours – when I called her, she was at her sister’s wedding. Even from the first show the fans embraced her. So we took a lot of that good feeling for Endless Forms Most Beautiful [named after a line from Charles Darwin’s On The Origin Of Species].

"We went to Röskö campsite in Finland to record. It’s a four-hectare area by a lake in the middle of nowhere, belonging to the Boy Scouts. We stayed for three months. Every morning we’d rehearse for a few hours, have lunch, go back, rehearse and then spend the evening with each other by a campfire, barbecuing, playing acoustic guitar, singing, going to the sauna and talking about the songs all the time. The Greatest Show On Earth, that’s the Nightwish desert island song. I’m sure we’ll play that at the end of the setlist until forever.

"We recorded Richard Dawkins’ part in Oxford. He’s quite the character. I’m a huge fan, so I was really starstruck. He did his parts beautifully, it was over in about 30 minutes and then he gave us a ride back to central Oxford in his Tesla. And halfway back he asks us, ‘So are you musicians or something?’ Ha ha! So his head’s somewhere… all the time! But he’s a wonderful guy.”

1. Human. :II: Nature. (Nuclear Blast, 2020)

“I immediately knew after Endless Forms Most Beautiful that ‘OK, we have to do more songs about this.’ And so the idea of Human. :II: Nature. was first to have songs about humankind, and then you play the other CD and relax and go into nature. My memories of making the album are of happy times, no conflicts. We returned to Röskö to make it.

"When the pandemic hit, it was like, ‘Should we postpone the release?’ But it was all printed and the advertisements had gone out to the papers. So the record label said, ‘Let’s go with it. Maybe people will have more time to concentrate on it…’

"Noise was a big single, but there’s also something about Shoemaker [named after famed geologist/astronomer Eugene Shoemaker]. It’s on the artsy side, but not in a pretentious way.

"Realising what evolution is… it’s about realising our mortality, at least for me. And it’s made all the difference. When I kind of realised that this is very likely the only life we’re gonna have – it’s only after that that I started hugging my dad. I never hugged my dad before that. I’ve just felt much more liberated and in the light ever since.”

#Nightwish #Tuomas Holopainen #2023 interviews

[moltengoldveins]

That TCU post…that is truly one of, if not the greatest thing I’ve ever seen come out of this fandom. I tried my own hand a while back at writing “the dsmp but taken seriously”; gave it a name and a playlist but didn’t really write much before I went back to my other projects. If you ever have the motivation to do more with that outline I’d be honored to be a co-writer or help out in any way, or if you want you could just use my title as a name for the series: A Ballad of Broken Dreams.

holy crap op this is so sweet. Thank you so much. I’m… wow ok. That. Wow. Thank you. That’s legitimately so kind and I’m so glad you enjoyed it XD. Id also Love to see your playlist and your thoughts behind the songs if you’re down?! That sounds awesome :D

funnily enough, I’ve had a drafted outline for this heccin thing running around in my head since the Butcher Army arc. Right around when SAD-ist dropped her animatic, I simultaneously realized ‘oh wow, I Adore this concept’ and ‘oh wow, I Highly doubt the CCs are gonna manage to do this the way I’d want to see it’ and lo and behold: I was correct. So painfully correct. (There were also People Involved whom I had Really Bad Feelings About from very early on that, sure enough, turned out to be exactly what i thought they were, rip) So the Emduo prequels, Icarus heccin Dying, and the end of Axe of Peace have been around for Ages.

I’d honestly love to do more with this concept, (i am designing movie posters as we speak) but due to Chronic Illness Pog I’m in a rather unstable financial situation? And don’t have a ton of free time for art. Any big projects are gonna take a While, or id need to find a way to use it or something adjacent to fund, y’know, Rent. That being said, I’m definitely writing the emduo prequels, both as movie scripts and as novels, as those are the films focused on, yknow, My Bois. I also think it’d be hilarious to release the novels and then the scripts and watch people Loose Their Minds over the ‘inaccurate adaptation >>:(‘

I’d absolutely love to work with other people in the fandom on this stuff, though I’ve never been the best at directly co-writing (my writing method and style is painfully specific (ie needlessly poetic) and I’m very autistic: I don’t like it when people touch that Specific Thing) but literally anything else? Im open ears. I love collabs.

and finally, I adore your name for the series, (excellent word choice there /srs, it fits perfectly with the symbolism of the whole story) and I think it works really Really well for the actual DSMP, but if I’m entirely honest… I’m not sure it fits the TCU? Like genuinely I’m so grateful for the suggestion, I love when people offer ideas and bounce things around like that. But one of the main things I tried to do with this concept was work out how the story could actually end Well. A deep-seated belief in the good-but-fallen nature of man, the importance of hope, and the inevitability of redemption kinda comes part and parcel with the whole Being-A-Christian Thing (if it doesn’t, you’re missing the Whole Point Of The Bible) and while the actual DSMP may have ended in broken dreams… this doesn’t. That was my first thought when writing that outline: This Is Going To End Well. Not for wish-fulfillment reasons, not because I’m naive or I don’t like bad endings, but because fundamentally, everything sad is a lie, and if the story has ended in tragedy, it hasn’t ended yet.

If I had to pick a series name now, I’m not sure what I’d pick. A part of me balks at referencing anything popularized by Our Local Redacted, but ‘unfinished symphony’ wasn’t his in the first place, it was from Hamilton. “The Finished Symphony” has a cool ring to it? I dunno. If anyone else has ideas please feel free to toss them in here aight, I’m not settling on anything for a While.

Anyways, thanks for Ted talking with me, drink water 💜

#TCU #Sure hope that tag isn’t already used for anything horrible I don’t know about XD #Technoblade Cinematic Universe #Asks #I’ve never really answered an ask before this is new and exciting #Op sorry for co-opting your ask to rant about the goodness of life and the importance of redemption for a sec there #Well I’m not Sorry sorry but you get my meaning XD #technoblade #dsmp #dsmp au #antarctic empire #emduo

[blueepink07]

Amane symbolism - evil eyes

Before going further I want to say that this is made for fun!! Don't take things too seriously!

I will analyse Amane's eyes!

(If you don't know, I made something similar for Mahiru and Muu, so this short part will be just me repeating what evil eyes mean)

~Evil eyes~

I know that this is about jewelry, but the yellow and green evil eyes have really interesting meanings that I think it relates with Amane's case.

Now, into the analysis!

~yellow evil eyes~

Some short meanings!

The yellow evil eye can represent the cult's ideals. The happiness and positivity is something seen in Amane's MV and maybe also in this one. The cult made Amane believe that everything they teach her is for her own happiness and such, the punishments are a way to bring positivity in her life. Usually, religion can be a form of bringing someone inner peace and be a stress and anxiety relief. And Amane's is often shown saying that she'll be fine, because her God will protect her.

Moreover, the yellow evil eye symbolises lack of distractions, concentration and attentiveness. Amane states that she never went to an amusement park or karaoke. She was more preoccupied to be a "good and diligent daughter" who studies to make her father pround.

The cult also has strict rules, which are presented in her first MV. Wake up early, study, clean or help around. Amane tries her best to listen to these rules, not only as a way to show that she's loyal to the cult, but also to not receive any punishments for her "disobedience".

~Green evil eyes~

Short meanings! (ignore the 4 from the last picture!!)

The green evil eye may symbolise Amane's desires to make the cult pround. The evil green eye, also symbolies happiness and good fortune, as the yellow one, showing how Amane wants to learn and use the cult's beliefs. And we see her actively doing this, being strong and trying to constantly be a proper example. During trial 1, we often saw Amane studying, even in Milgram prison, in order to not stay behind with the materials. She also was asking for tips to improve her skills.

Kotoko and Amane

"Amane: Thank you very much for teaching me……but, though I realise it’s strange me saying this after I asked you, I must admit it’s kind of unexpected. You give off the impression of someone who wouldn’t want to get involved in things like this.

Kotoko: ……well, you’re not wrong. I’m surrounded by people who could all be murderers, so I don’t plan on going out of my way to talk and make friends. I can’t let my guard down. But I like ambitious people like you. If you want to study more, then I’m happy to teach.

Amane: I see…You look scary at first impression, but I quite like the way you treat everyone equally regardless of whether they’re older or younger than you. You don’t just treat me like a child or anything like that.

Kotoko: Treat you like a child? Hah, you’ve got to be kidding. Back when I was your age, I was already the person I am today. I don’t have any plans to let you get away with something just “because you’re a child.” ……remember that. There, I’ve finished marking. 83%. How do I put it… Even though you act like this, it’s not like you’re super brilliant at studying or anything, huh."

Shidou and Amane

"Amane: …what’s wrong, Shidou-san? Your hand has stopped marking. This is mathematics, so there’s no questions about the answers. If I got something wrong, please mark it with an X.

Shidou: I… I just don’t understand. If everything about MILGRAM is true… why did a child like you have to become a murderer? Just imagining what sort of circumstances must have led to that, it makes me so sad…

Amane: ……*sigh*. Is that right. I don’t think I’m going to get along with you, Shidou-san. I don’t agree with the fact you refuse to acknowledge that I have my own free will, and that I should be held accountable for my actions, just because I’m a child. I may have only been alive for 12 years, but all the choices I’ve made, even if they weren’t the best ones, were entirely my own. What point is there in you getting sad when I have no regrets myself? …please give me back my test. It seems you don’t have the concentration levels required to be my teacher. I’m going to get Kotoko-san to teach me instead.

Shidou: Amane…I don’t think that’s true. However smart you may be…… you’re still just a child."

Amane's goals or dreams are to make her cult and parents pround! Her first MV is all about her trying to be the best version of herself. From a simple girl, to an angel, showing how she reached her best version, the one that everyone is pround of...

Also some lyrics from her first MV that show Amane's wish to become better.

Thank you for reading! ~🧿

#I've been so inactive... #This one is very rushed #But I really wanted to do it with the little time I have #Even though I'm not so pround of this... #milgram #milgram amane #amane momose #milgram theory #evil eye

[absolutebl]

This Week In BL - October Is Looking Chunky

Sept 2022 Wk 5

Happy fall everyone! 

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying the most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

The Eclipse (Fri YT) Ep 8 of 15 - The pacing is starting to feel off and I am getting frustrated with the plot. That said, K is such a killer actor. And Aye is so damn pushy but with emotions as well a physical affection, he exposes his own vulnerability as a kind of benevolent attack on Akk to instill trust and worth and value and safety. Akk is just so scared and closeted. This whole narrative is less about love than it is about courage. Whether that is courage to live or courage to love. 

Vice Versa (Sat on YT) Ep 12fin - They are very cute and domestic boyfriends, and I realize GMMTV often does domesticity with their couples in the final episode. I’m thinking about the fantastic final ep of Dark Blue Kiss. “Celebrity coming out for love” is very Love Stage!!  Interesting that they advertised Not Me at the end, does that mean we have no new BL in this time slot from GMMTV next week? Curious choice they still have 4 more from their 2022 lineup.* I half expected the high school one. 

So what do I have to say about Vice Versa? 

It’s a solid BL with a weak plot but a strong concept. It’s very well acted and Jimmy remains the most charismatic talent that GMMTV currently fields. I hope we get more of this pair, either together or separated. That said, this is never going to be one of my top rewatch rotations, so I’m calling it for an 8/10. RECOMMENDED 

My Only 12% (Fri iQIYI) Ep 8 of 15 - Oh goody more pain. Look I like the noona romance thread. It’s obvious she had to break his heart, it’s what I would’ve done, it’s what Minato should have done. But it was still sad to watch. This is a well cast show. Sniffling at the end of this ep. Looking forward to seeing Siew come into his own and Cake crumble while they are apart. 

Ai Long Nhai (Mon iQIYI) Ep 1 of 10 - Words cannot adequately describe how much I dislike the credit sequence and music on this show. I nearly DNFed before a single line was spoken. The subs are also not good, but my Thai is getting better so I don’t mind as much as I once did. The show leads us out with: Slow motion + instalove + tons of familiar faces + some very terrible sound effects. Pretty much standard pulp territory. Despite all this, I actually kinda like it and they are so pretty. A rare sunshine/sunshine pairing! Nhai is an adorable idiot and Ai is confident king and I’m chortling away. Also GAY DADS played by IRL husbands Arm & Porsch! We’re good here, I’m happy. 

Work from Heart (Thurs YouTube) Ep 2 of 7 - Cute ex boyfriends. Thank god for uniforms. But now evil ex is overly aggressive. I’m getting Check Out vibes and that’s not a good thing. I love the tattooed actor who plays Guy, I wish he’d get more roles. I loved him in Ingredients too. 

Love in the Air (Thurs iQIYI) Ep 7 of 13 - It was a fine ending to the first couple and a good (if audio dubious) start to the second. I made more puns in the DUMPSTER FIRE TRASH WATCH ALONG HERE.

Fahlanruk (Sun GaGa) 3 of 12 - And now identical twins? SERIOUSLY?  The show sucks so bad. The story of 2 players never runs deep. Absolutely nothing happened this episode. I might drop this one. 

* GMMTV’s remaining 2022 BL line up is:

My School President - which I expected to be in VV’s time slot.

Moonlight Chicken - EarthMix’s next one, probably what they are working on next

Be My Favorite - recasting 

Never Let Me Go - filming now (assuming this will take on Eclipse’s time slot) 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Takara-kun and Amagi-kun (Japan Thurs GaGa & Viki) 6 of 8 - This is my favorite BL currently airing BY A LANDSLIDE. 24 minutes of pure agony and joy. It just makes me so happy but it’s also so high school angst and traumatic to live through. This is the best of Japanese BL, I keep getting a feel of Seven Days off it and I don’t mention that comparison lightly. Takara is SO CORNEY. Also. THAT ENDING. Yes. Exposed! No more secrets! Squee! I can’t wait to see what happens next week. 

Once Again (Korea Fri GaGa) 5-6 of 8 - This show. I swear it’s so in the throat creepy and tense (in a Kassandra the mad prophet way) but also weirdly sweet. Poor Ji Hoon, he’s such a nice guy in a world just has a in for him one way or another. I’m glad both actors are so good since it’s the whole reason to watch this. I’ve no idea how they are going to manage to resolve it, but it looks like we get a cute date next ep!  

It’s Airing But I’m Not Watching It

War of Y - too hard on my soul. Will I watch it eventually? Maybe? Probably not. I think we have an ITSAY situation going on here. Also BL Express was not best pleased, and I while we rarely share taste, in this instance I trust their reporting.

My Tempo - a Thai BL movie about the Thai music industry. Yeah, no thank you.

Oh My Sunshine Night - I’m scared it’s gonna be sad, so I’m waiting for spies to tell me it’s safe

180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us - ditto above

In Case You Missed It 

More Than Words (Japan indie subbed by furritsubs) - TIP ‘EM if you like em!)  All the eps have dropped, so I binged it. Basically the definition of moody arthouse smackdoodle. Makki is an outgoing but mysterious boy with secret pain. Eiji is the an older gay boy struggling with identity. Mieko is a broken angry girl who both makes them work as a couple and aches to belong with them. This is a story about all 3 and their complicated interweaving relationship. It’s about love and intimacy in all its many faceted forms. This is not, and I'm being very clear here, a romance. In fact this is not a romantic show in any way. It’s poetic, sad, and wistful. Is it beautiful and a little lovely? Yes. Did I like it? No. For BL stans like me? NOT RECOMMENDED. For the ITSAY and YNEH folks... have at. BL Express likes this kind of thing and did a great review. 

Zero Supporter featuring EarthMix in their KornWin roles dropped. Look these two are just so cute together. They aren’t as good at this premise as OffGun were in Our Skyy, tho. Still, ultimately, I like this special better than the original Cupid’s Last Wish. 

NetJames (forthcoming BL Bed Friend) portray a BL side couple in Thai drama Catch Me Baby starting Oct 6 on WeTV. 

Semantic Error won Best Couple at the APAN Star Awards 2022. And Jaechan won the Popularity Award. 

Gossip

Thai casting call went out for the world’s first omegaverse BL Midnight Fortune. Twitter went as pearl-clutchingly hysterical over it as we might expect. It's not my thing personally and I doubt I will like it (frankly I doubt it'll be very good, either, the plot looks like it was written by MAME & Jittirain) but you better believe I will dumpster fire trash watch this SO HARD if it airs. It's about time Thai BL started to get seriously experimental in its cinemagraphic life cycle. It will be gloriously whackdoodle. I did have it down for Japan first, Thailand is so plucky! 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Starting: Mon: To Sir With Love AKA Khun Chai - Thai (10 eps 40 min ea) on One31HD & possibly WeTV. Kabe Koji - Japan (10 eps 20 min ea) on Viki.  Weds: Ghost Host, Ghost House - Thai (5 eps 30 min? ea) YouTube for reruns. Sat: Big Dragon - Thai (8 ep 40 min ea) reruns on Star Hunter’s YT. Sun: Remember Me - Thai (8 ep 40 min ea) Gaga. 

FULL October 2022 line up is here. 

This week’s best moments?

Fucking awesome Takara. 

This year’s Namgoong Award for BEST WINGMAN goes to Katori in Takara & Amagi. He’s glorious. 

Ai Long Nhai calling itself out. 

And again. 

Eclipse being a tease. 

My Only 12% pulling our heart strings.

Vice Versa, beat that drum honey! 

I LOVE a back hug. 

(last week)

Current earworm? JJ Project (fetal GOT7) Coming Home 

#this week in BL #BL update #BL news #BL gossip #upcoming BL #New BL #BL recap #BL reviews #best BL #worst BL #Thai BL #Korean BL #Taiwanese BL #Japanese BL #live action yaoi #Rakutan Viki #GagaOOLala #GMMTV #JJ Project #GOT7 #Midnight Fortune #omegaverse BL #Semantic Error #Catch Me Baby #Zero Supporter #Cupid’s Last Wish #EarthMix #More Than Words #Once Again #Takara-kun and Amagi-kun

[sapphyreopal5]

"I Am Sam" Interview with Jared Padalecki (June 2012)

The following are snippets from the I Am Sam Interview with Jared Padalecki in the Supernatural Magazine published in June 2012.[x][x]

"When asked exactly how badass Sam Winchester is in season seven of Supernatural, Padalecki replies, "Well, you’re familiar with the International Standardized Bad-Ass Test? No? You go from bad-ass-ness to bad-ass-dom.” He gets all that out with a straight face, then adds. "In all seriousness. I think Sam this year is trying to keep his wheels aligned with the road, so he’s not in charge of his own faculties enough to really be as badass focused as he was [when he was soulless] when I had a lot of fun. I like doing the badass bit.”

"At a party following the session, Padalecki is less silly and more sincerely excited when the topic shifts to his impending fatherhood - he and wife Genevieve Padalecki (who, of course, played Ruby on Supernatural) are expecting their first child, a little boy in March. Does Padalecki expect he’ll be a badass dad? "If badass means doing the right thing, I hope to be,” Padalecki says, "because my dad and my father figures and my brother growing up were good guys, so I hope I do the same.”

As for sending up his real, actor self in last season's The French Mistake, Padalecki at first feigns astonishment. That was as real as it could be!" Then he laughs. "I'm kidding. That was a lot of fun. As actors, we're glorified so much. We get to glorify ourselves so much and build ourselves up and put ourselves on pedestals that it was nice to go. ‘You know what? We’re actors. We wear make-up and talk to a camera and we’re telling stories.’"

"Speaking of Bobby, how does Padalecki feel about that character’s death? “I felt very sad. I watched [scenes from the episode Death s Door] as a fan because I wasn’t in it a whole lot. There was a lot of Jim Beaver and Steven Williams - it was all about Bobby and Rufus. Jim and I watched it in his trailer while filming. We were both in tears. I thought Jim Beaver did such an astounding job. And we have a famous saying around Supernatural, that the only way to make sure you’re coming back on the show is to die. So that having been said, I don’t think it’s the last we'll see of Jim Beaver."

"Has Padalecki been enjoying this phase of Sam's personality, or has he been looking forward to Sam freaking out again? "It’s been a lot of fun to be the calm, kind of collected guy," Padalecki says, “and Sam’s been calm because he’s had no choice. He’s been too busy trying to take care of his own mental issues to really go crazy. Sam’s grown up over seven years, so it’s nice that you can see that. We will see Sam start to break apart once again; he’s been trying to hold onto his marbles for the whole of the season, and now we start to see him stop being able to juggle all the balls he was trying to juggle at once."

"Now in his seventh year of playing Sam Winchester, does Padalecki feel the same about playing him today as he did when he started? "I have a family of my own coming now - I mean. Gen’s pregnant - but this show has become a family of sorts. And so part of me says, Well. I’m going to be a dad.’ Another part of me says. ‘Well. I’ve grown up with these guys, these directors, these writers, these cameramen, the grips, the cast, and so I feel so comfortable around them that I wouldn't mind doing the show for a long, long time.’"

"This is season seven of Supernatural. I did Gilmore Girls for five years before this, so I've been working for 12 years. I feel like I've learned a lot, I've grown a lot. I did my first episode of Gilmore Girls when I was 17. I’ll be 30 this summer, so I'm growing up. my career is on a good path. I'm ready for a new horizon. It’s not like I wanted to have a child for the challenge, but I welcome the challenge. I welcome the new road. I'm not expecting it to be easy, I know it won’t, but I’m excited to (experience parenthood) with my wife and best friend."

"Is there anything that Padalecki would like to do on Supernatural that hasn't happened yet? "No. I've got to say, the wonderful thing is, probably in season one. I did everything I wanted to do and then they created more things that I didn’t even know I wanted to do in seasons two, three, four, five, six and seven, and so they’re teaching me and training me that there are a lot more things out there than I maybe anticipated. It’s very exciting."

#jared padalecki #spn family #magazine interview #supernatural magazine june 2012 #I am Sam magazine interview #supernatural #genevieve padalecki

[rkrispyt]

I was curious if you still have hope for Portwell? I saw that some portwells still have hope. I personally lost all hope mainly bc r*na is so popular and I don't think that Tim won't make them endgame... It's sad that, nowadays, many ships happen bc of fanservice... You don't even have to look from a storytelling perspective to see where things are going, you just have to check what the fandom says and that's prob gonna happen... One thing that I don't get tho... If Tim really wanted for r*na to be canon since ep 1x5, why did he spend all s2 to make us not ship them? In the second half they didn't have any interactions. Gina was still annoyed with him in ep 2x11. Why didn't Tim plant some seeds for them in the second half of s2? Why is Gina most of the time the one who does sth in that relationship and when Ricky does sth, it's bc Gina asked? And the only time when he has initiative they ruin that (taking his role seriously for her (ep 3x4) and later they reveal that he didn't even read the whole script on the opening night day). I personally could never ship them. I saw potential in s1 but after that they were ruined. S3 just tried to hide the s2 mess under the carpet instead of cleaning it (Ricky still does the bare minimum for Gina and he wasn't held accountable for how he hurt her in s2, he should've apologised!!!). Idk but Gina deserves so much better... They'll prob make Ricky the best bf to her in the next seasons, but that won't change the way they got together (with Gina putting in most of the effort)... That means she is ok with the bare minimum as long as she is with Ricky which is really sad... She deserves so much more... Portwell deserved so much more... s2 Portwell would've def survived that summer... I hate fan service for ruining them...

I’m shocked to hear anyone still has hope for canon Portwell, ngl. I do not and can’t imagine ever having any ever again tbh. They not only effed them up pretty bad but the writers have lost me entirely. At this point I’d dread seeing what this team would do with them if they tried again.

To answer the rest of this ask, I will die on the hill that Gicky was not actually the plan or endgame or any of this nonsense backtracking Tim’s been doing. I can believe that when he put them together in season one it ended up intriguing him more than he had thought, but considering what they did with season two clearly it wasn’t enough for him to switch up the plan at that point to put them together or set up something in the future - quite the opposite soooooo tell me again how this was always the plan? Sure, Jan.

It’s so obvious to anyone paying the tiniest bit of attention that Olivia left, so they shifted everything to give Ricky another love interest that they thought could compete in any way with Rini and lose the least amount of viewers upon her departure. Gina was the only real option. They didn’t even do it WELL cause they cared more about doing it as quickly as possible.

I admit that during season three I don’t know if I would have claimed it was fan service, but after seeing that Tim had a version of that final scene where he jumped on that entirely unfounded and random Gicky theory about the chocolates, unfortunately, I have to agree with you.

I will never not be disappointed that this show that brought me such joy, was written so well, didn’t do all the garbage you would expect from this kind of show, and boasted about being proud that they were telling stories of good people being good to each other, has turned into such trash.

S2 Portwell will forever be one of my favorite ships, winning me over completely (as an anti and Gicky fan going into that season) because of how well they wrote it . Alas, another casualty of outside factors switching up the plan and terrible choices being made by those in charge as a result.

The Summer of Portwell was one for the books, but now, for that HEA fanfiction is where it’s at, friends!

#portwell #ej caswell #gina porter #my babies

[cadybear420]

Cadybear's Reviews- Ride or Die

Welcome to the seventeenth official Cadybear's Reviews! Today I'll be talking about Ride or Die, which I have ranked on the "Wood Tier" at 3 stars out of a possible 10.

(Peter Griffin voice) Before we all die, there’s one secret I have to share with you. I did not care for Ride or Die. 

Yeah… I do not get this one. I do not get why so many people say this story made them cry or that it was so emotional and tragic. I do not get why (at least in more recent years) this has been paraded as one of Choices’ bests along with the likes of TCATF, ES, and ILS. Like, even if you really really love this book, I don’t think it comes anywhere close to being among the bests. It’s been a while since I last played, but even when right after I did play it, I could not buy into the “tragic and bittersweet” themes that people praise this book for. 

Now don’t get me wrong, as a story in itself, it isn’t terrible. It’s a pretty simple story about a MC who wants a taste of adrenaline and independence before going off to college. And in some aspects it does manage to somewhat subvert the “Ohhhhh, the innocent studious good girl falls in love with the immoral criminal bad boy and he turns her bad, but oh no her dad wouldn’t approve of his innocent little daddy’s girl running off with a bad boy, and she’s gonna be all like ‘But Daddy I love him!!1!!1!!11!’ when he finds out and scolds her about it” kind of story that it comes off as at first (though I still found it very pointlessly genderlocked, both MC and Logan should have been GOC). Granted I’d still like to see the dynamic changed up for a bit, with MC as the immoral tough baddie and LI as the innocent one who breaks out of that image as they fall for the MC.

I did like the parts (though I think there were only like 2 or 3 of them) where you could choose between focusing on your studies or spending time with the Crew, and you could pay diamonds to combine the events. And if I’m not mistaken, it does affect whether or not your MC becomes valedictorian at the end. But that’s about the only thing that affects your story route I think. 

And credit where credit is due, it is unique in that MC and LI don’t get together and have a happily ever after in the end (not that it would have been earned if they did anyways lol). It’s not a fantastic ending, but it is solid and at least a different change of pace. Why couldn’t the “MC and LI don’t get together in the end and live happily ever after” have happened in books like TNA, Surrender, FCL, and TBB?

So in concept, I do think this kind of story could have worked. Unfortunately, there are so many things that bring it down for me. 

To start off, MC’s relationship with the Mercy Park Crew felt incredibly shallow to me. It technically makes sense, since they’re all meant to go their separate ways, but it also kind of makes it hard to feel any sadness for when we actually get to that point. So any “tragic” themes just felt… very lukewarm to me. The only part that actually felt emotional to me was when Teppei Kaneko sacrificed himself, because… you know. My dude got himself blown the fuck up in a car crash on purpose to save the others.

Most melodramatic and forced of all was Logan. I seriously do not follow Logan’s supposed “special reason” for taking interest in MC. Even after seeing other people explain it, I still don’t get it. I don’t understand why it’s so god damned special, nor why Logan himself is so god damned special and why he of all the LIs was the main LI. He just seemed like a standard bad boy where I know fuck all about his character other than that he and Colt kind of had some beef with each other. 

On that note, Colt was the only LI I felt had any real emotional stakes and character and thus the only one I felt I had any reason to give a damn about in this story (also, he’s apparently a good passenger princess and says “you’ll always be my best driver” or something like that). And Mona… well, she had slightly more character than Logan at least, but she still felt like an obligatory token female LI (especially considering the book’s subtitle, seriously it’s really not helping the story at all). 

All of this would probably put it on my Bronze Tier. But there’s just one more thing that brings it down. The story pacing. 

The plot has some of the worst pacing I have ever seen. Like, MC’s dad should pull it over and charge it with a DUI. There were way too many things going on all at once, and I could not follow any of it. So if there somehow was any actual emotional substance or narrative depth to this story, I completely missed it. 

That all being said, this book being mid isn’t completely the story’s fault. This was originally slated to have a sequel, and the plan the writers had revealed on Storyloom actually sounds pretty awesome and much better than what we got in the first book. Basically, it takes place 5 years later where MC has just finished college, and she’s apparently contacted because of her connections with the MPC and has to bring everyone together again for a new adventure, ending with MC and LI driving off into the sunset. 

Originally, I figured the ending was conclusive as it was and there wasn’t really much that could be done with a sequel, even in a meeting-again-older-and-wiser side story set in the future. But now knowing the scrapped plan? We did kinda miss out. I mean, the ending it does have still works, but the story they planned for the sequel would have greatly improved the series. Though the thing where “MC and LI ride off together into the sunset” should at least have an option for MC to not get with her LI of choice by saying “I’ve long since moved on”. 

To me, this is just a simple story about a MC who wants a taste of adrenaline and independence just before the end of her high school years. Nothing all that emotionally complex or narratively deep. Yeah, I know I give high praise to stories like OG HSS and TH:M that aren’t exactly complex or deep either, but they at least have highly varying story routes, compelling characters, and good pacing to show for it. 

I don’t hate this one, but man is it overhyped as hell. Even if I did like this one (and who knows, I just might end up liking it after I give it a replay), I don’t think it’s nearly as good as people have made it out to be. I just don’t see it. 

#choices stories you play #choices #choices game #choices stories we play fandom #choices stories we play #choices ride or die #ride or die #choices rod #rod #cadybear's reviews

[joelsgreys]

Ok, just found out what happened cause I was so busy yesterday I couldnt even finish reading the fic and I couldnt wait to do so... Im so sad this shit happens, seriously... You're one of the best writers in here, my fav one btw, and I know how much you care about everyone feeling good here in your space... This really makes me sick. Im so so so so sorry you felt like deleting something you created and so sad for you being now the target of clearly direct "indirect" posts... Vee, we LOVE YOU, us who follow you even if we're not as close as many other ppl here, know who you are and the kind and sweet person you always are to all of us. Dont forget that❤️

hi lovely.

people stated their posts aren’t about me and idk anymore but i’m just gonna put it all behind me. i truly do not have the energy to care about it, at the end of the day i need to just control myself because i can’t control what people think or say about me.

also, deleting the fic was my own choice because i just did not know what to do.

but after thinking about it and taking to countless lovely people, i’ve decided to just repost it, which i will do later on today.

thank you so so much for the love babe 🤍

#vee answers

[voidfishing]

what was your favorite part of stolen century & what was your favorite funny bit they did & if the seven birds were actual birds what birds do you think they would be?

OKAY LOVE THIS ASK BC I AM SUPER INTO ORNITHOLOGY AND THINK ABOUT THE SEVEN BIRDS CONSTANTLY… literally I have a draft abt what birds they would be saved on my phone

but okay first I honestly do think my favorite part in the stolen century is the best day ever. I’m biased bc I love Taako & Lup so much but it’s just so incredibly sweet the way he plans an entire day of things he knows Lup will love… but also because it’s one of the few times we really see Taako scared. him being terrified when Lup tells him that she’s going to become a lich…. it’s this moment of vulnerability that no one but the audience gets so see. the way Taako doesn’t express how worried he is to ensure that he’s not preventing Lup from doing what she believes is the right thing to do even though he’s scared for her…. combined with “because you are my heart”….. oh that just takes me out

my fav funny bit is a really really hard choice bc so many bits just kill me BUT. the one scene that always gets me is during the eleventh hour when Taako is just shoveling diamonds into his bag and Magnus yells from across the room “Taako!! what the fuck!!!” the delivery of that line is so good

OKAY THEN.. ALRIGHT MY SEVEN BIRD HEADCANONS.

Magnus is a Golden Eagle. hands down. I think it’s usually a safe bet to portray a fighter character as a bird of prey, but also I just feel like it fits him because they’re such dynamic birds and he is proficient in like everything. also they usually mate long-term or for life and like…. Magnus’ devotion to Julia and the fact he never even considered being with someone else certainly fits with that.

Merle is a gray morph Eastern Screech Owl. of course because he chose an owl as his animal during petals to the metal, but also because it feels really fitting for him to be this small bird of prey. Because they’re so little and nocturnal, they tend to not be sighted often, but they’re really strong and fierce little birds despite their stature. I feel like that can relate to Merle being kind of treated like he’s rarely a help, even though he ends up being the one to save the others decently often.

Taako & Lup are Resplendent Quetzals. I‘ve definitely seen other people make this take I promise I know I’m not the first bc of the obvious use of “resplendent” but speaking as a bird enthusiast, Taako and Lup are sooooo Trogoniformes to me. the twins are supposed to be incredibly beautiful in a stand-out way, so making them incredibly flashy tropical birds that most people never get to see in person seems fitting to me. PLUS I think it’s very fun when people draw Taako with long hair and Lup with short hair, and that little detail translates well with the dimorphism in quetzal tail length.

Barry is a Blue-winged Teal to me. partially because I think it’s funny to make the guy who couldn’t swim a duck but also I do feel like it fits him to be a species that doesn’t stand out much - he’s kind of just a guy. like he’s this incredibly powerful magic user and a lich and insanely intelligent, but he also is just a normal guy <3 so him being a decently common migratory duck is fitting, I think. plus the large blue patch on the wings of the males…. bluejeanscore

Davenport has got to be a Barn Swallow. given his role as IPRE captain and his life sailing in imbalance, it’s really fitting for him to be a swallow, as sailors historically got tattoos of them to represent the distance they’d traveled and act as a sort of good luck charm for a safe journey home. + they are seriously just little guys :)

Lucretia would deffo be a Common Loon. so often in art they’re depicted as solitary/sad because of the way their cry sounds but they do travel together, they’re very social birds! I feel like that perception vs reality of their isolation really fits with Lucretia, given that we start the series thinking she’s this mysterious figure who doesn’t even share her name with the boys, but she turns out to be one of the people who loves them most. also, Common Loons are fiercely protective, and I think that fits well with Lucretia’s attempt to cut The Hunger off from their plane

#long post #taz balance #taz #ask tag #toon talking #SORRY I JUST……… I have a lot of seven birds thoughts. ok. I love birds I love bird imagery

[republictrooper]

The Elysian Kingdom Spoilers

“It begins, like all good stories... once upon a time.”

THAT. THAT. THAT RIGHT THERE IS WHAT STAR TREK IS FUCKING ABOUT.

It’s 55 minutes of a rollicking good story and then 5-10 minutes that absolutely RIP YOUR HEART OUT AND CRUSH IT TO PIECES.

And that final line is just, so peak episodic fantasy sci-fi Television, just the POV character for the episode making one final wistful statement about what just happened.

It’s those old classic ST episodes where they somehow stumbled on the Greek Gods or the TNG Episode where the Holodeck went weird or Q turned them into Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

THAT. THAT is what Star Trek has been missing,and why SNW remains the best new trek since the DS9/VOY era, hands down.

But seriously.

Ortegas. Carrying on the tradition of Sulu by both turning into a dashing sword fighter when she loses her mind AND being gay as hell.

Spock, playing the role dark wizard way too damn well.

Pike just being the exact opposite of what he is and hamming it up as a simpering little traitorous chamberlain.

La’an. Oh my GOD La’an.

And then Hemmer realizing he needed to play to type to push the story along and just absolutely SLAYING the powerful wizard act. Abra-cadabra INDEED.

Ugh. It’s so good. SO. GOOD.

And then that last scene. See, this is why SNW gets it. 90% Episodic Hyjinks, but then it gives you that 10% of giving the characters compelling personalities and trials and storylines so that you are invested in what they do and what happens to them in all those hyjinks, and when they finally pay off, when they finally hit that final arc... it just floors you.

Honestly, only 2 real complaints, and both of them are like, really minor.

1. I wish they’d just go the hell ahead and make Ortegas confirmed queer as herself and not as a character written by Rukiya (but also, kudos to Rukiya for writing in that rep. Like, hell yeah, girl).

2. I wish they’d had at least SOME characters remember.

I mean, mostly because I feel so sad for M’Benga, even as he made the right choice and gave Rukiya the life she couldn’t otherwise have, but it would be nice for him to have that sympathy, that compassion, from the people who remember, who know what he felt and gave up and are ready to stand by him to help him as he finds his happiness again. I mean, Hemmer. Hemmer just reaching out to him and offering to help broke my heart.

But also, imagine:

 Ortegas teasing La’an about her little run as the Princess and yelling “Totally Worth It” and she chases her down a corridor.

Christine greeting Ortegas everytime she walks into the Sickbay with “To what do I owe the pleasure of this vist, Sir Ardya?”

Actually, just half the people on the ship doing flourishing little bows to each other and calling each other “My Liege” and stuff.

Uhura just absolute owning Queen Neve’s poise and grace to crush whatever department they give her next.

Also, that last little scene with Hemmer like... “Am I in your quarters?”

...I... I kind of might ship Hemmer/M’Benga now. Not gonna lie.

Like, imagine Hemmer enjoyed being a Wizard so much that he wanted to understand more about human literature featuring wizards, and M’Benga points him towards TH White and Tolkien and Prachett and others, and sometimes they just meet in his quarters to talk about it and, like, after they kind of realize they like each other’s company, and one thing leads to another, and the first time M’Benga wakes up in Hemmer’s quarters, he looks up at him, and says with a smile, “Chief... am I in your quarters?”

Anyway, Silly little injokes are my love language and there’s so many that could come from his episode is all I’m saying.

Also, please. Please. Paramount. Just give me more episodic trek like this forever. It’s all I want.

#star trek #star trek strange new worlds #strange new worlds #snw #the elysian kingdom #star trek snw #spoilers #snw spoilers