#but it just embedded so deeply into my psyche

[terezis]

do you remember when he blushed after getting restrained by tentacles. do you remember when he had to go home after watching taako eat a biscuit that used to be a crystal that used to be merle’s arm. do you remember when he wanted to play uno for four(?) people’s souls. do you remember when he stuck his hand in the soup. wait i think that one isn’t canon. but it’s canon to me. vote kravitz 

#i must campaign for my boy #i made this back when tck came out but i don't think ever posted it LOL #taz #taz balance #eta stuck his hand in the soup is definitely a tweet i think by 2imposters #but it just embedded so deeply into my psyche

[chronicbitchsyndrome]

a lot of people, when faced with antipsych rhetoric, will accuse us of trying to take their meds away.

the stock response is that no, we’re not trying to take anyone’s meds away, we’re trying to remove the gatekeeping and prescriptive framework that meds are currently accessed in to begin with, making it so that no-one is forced to take meds they don’t want to take and that anyone can access any meds they want to take without needing to go through an institutional authority.

and like, that’s true, but i think it’s missing the inherent anxiety being expressed: that less people will be on meds, if the psychiatric institution is abolished and we are able to disseminate accurate information about the long-term effects of some of the most commonly prescribed psych meds (SSRIs and antipsychotics in particular). i don’t think these people would ever articulate it this way themselves, but i think a lot of pathologized peoples who have bought into the psychiatric institution’s narrative have an idea of medicated=good, and unmedicated=bad, and therefore have an automatic anxiety response to the idea of a large number of people going off their meds, even if that doesn’t include them, personally.

there’s an anxiety deeply embedded in MI and neurodivergent spaces that buy into the pathology framework about unmedicated MI people being dangerous, or just unpredictable in a way that is framed as harmful to themselves and others. there’s also a strong attitude of like... not trusting individual MI people to ascertain accurately if their meds work for them or not. there’s a reason MI spaces love to lean heavily on the “i was doing great, so i decided i didn’t need my meds, and when i went off them i was suddenly suicidal and miserable, because my meds were the only thing making me do great” anecdote--while it’s an accurate anecdote for many people, it’s also incredibly useful for pushing the narrative that MI people cannot accurately assess our relationships with medication, and that it’s necessary to leave that assessment to a doctor or other outside professional.

the idea of less people being on medication of their own free will is genuinely incredibly anxiety-provoking to a lot of pathologized peoples. the idea that MI people might not need the meds they’re currently, right now, taking, is incredibly destabilizing to their worldview. the idea that they themselves might have the option to go off their meds is anxiety-provoking! from an internal view, it feels like they’re being threatened. no matter how many times you explain that nobody’s trying to personally take their meds away, they still have the feeling of being under threat. i think that’s where the disconnect in a lot of these discussions happens.

#antipsych #antipsychiatry #anti psychiatry #psychiatry critical #dyspunktional #mad pride #madpunk

[honourablejester]

On the topic of wizard character concepts, a slightly older idea of mine, stemming from the discussion of the various schools and what it might say about a wizard to consciously choose them. Specifically, the idea that people might think that abjuration wizards are cowards for clinging to the most protective aspects of magic.

Which, in my head, combined with the idea of tiefling virtue names, and a very traumatised tiefling who named themselves Craven, in the deep conviction that yes, they are a coward.

And, if you’re going to have a traumatised character, you go to Van Richten’s Guide to Ravenloft and give them the Haunted One background. And not just because it’s one of my favourites, but because, since we’re a wizard, as in a bookish nerd, there’s a pre-made harrowing event that traumatised the hell of us right there: “You opened an eldritch tome and saw things unfit for a sane mind. You burned the book, but its words and images are burned into your psyche.”

So. Our little baby tiefling wizard read a bad book, a bad book that fully scarred them for life and turned their hair literally white, and ever since then they’ve devoted their studies to the magic of protection, and renamed themselves in the full and sincere belief that they’re a coward. I am picturing a rail-thin hollow-eyed nerd literally hugging their spellbook for protection.

But why would a traumatised and self-professed coward go adventuring? Because they saw horrors, vast, incomprehensible horrors, and they know their pathetic magic right now wouldn’t stop a hair of it. If it can’t stop a goblin arrow, it sure as hell can’t stop an eldritch thing from beyond the stars. So they need to improve their magic, and the only way to improve defensive magic is to, well, defend. Plus. All their wards and libraries wouldn’t stop what they saw either. Sometimes the best defence is a good offence, or at the very least entails acquiring enough specific information to create targeted defence. Such as finding and preventing the access point from opening, for example.

I kind of want the book they read to be the work of a scholar afflicted by an allip. They didn’t get far enough into it to actually contract the allip’s curse and become one, but they came damn close. Hence why there was some actual physical transformation as a result. The hair-turns-white-with-shock thing is an old trope, but an enjoyable one, and I want it.

(Look, allips are one of my favourite creatures, they’re cool, shattered traumatised undead who discovered secrets man was not meant to know, and who are desperately trying to share that hideous knowledge to relieve themselves of its burden).

I think we’ll take Eldritch Adept somewhere down the line, for Armour of Shadows or possibly Devil’s Sight. And I’m flipflopping between Glasya and Levistus tiefling, because I think Armour of Agathys might also be a part of their heritage they cling to, but Invisibility would also be tempting for them. (I would love if a DM let my tiefling’s innate spells act like the ones from the updated races, as in I could have them be INT based and also cast them with spell slots. If that was the case, I feel like definitely Levistus tiefling).

So you have this patient, methodical, high-strung, twitchy, deeply traumatised scholar who has self-loathing embedded directly in their core, doggedly out here rattling and shuddering their way through the terror because there’s worse terrors waiting and they’ve got to be ready for them.

Yes, I have a type, why do you ask?

#d&d #5e #character concepts #wizards #tieflings #abjuration #cowardice #scholars #eldritch wizards

[egg-emperor]

Eggman is a highly manipulative character, this has been known since S3&K. it's one of his biggest most dangerous skills that's been recurring in the series ever since. I'm fascinated by the ways he can take advantage of people mentally and emotionally with mind games, trickery, and spotting vulnerability in others whether they're gullible, naive, soft, kind, try to see the good in people, have amnesia, etc, he sees it as an opportunity to strike and use it to his selfish advantage, sometimes even spitting in their face and mocking them for believing him/having the heart to do what they thought was helping him

it's cold, cruel, and heartless but that's what makes it interesting to explore his tactics, the skill and effort it takes to get his words and actions deeply embedded into one's psyche and have the desires affect on them to shape them into the person he wants them to be and/or make them do what he wants. it's also interesting to explore how it affects his victims. if my analysis, hcs, and writing involving it are disturbing then it means I'm doing something right and portraying it as dark and twisted as it really is. I want to get that across, which is far from endorsing or glorifying it.

the power he can have over others minds in this way is a dark but great example of how intelligent he is because he knows just how to control someone using only his actions and words that affect them on a mental and physical level, just as much as he can do it physically by force. it's another of the many things that makes him so dangerous and so big of a threat. that even a terrible man like him knows how to fake care for them and their best interests and benefits and tell them what they want to hear to create false security. or twist the truth and shut down their doubts until they believe it

I have done a lot of analysis of all the times he's done this and the tactics he uses in the games and I appreciate everyone who allows me to share my analysis/hcs/and concepts involving it here without making bad faith assumptions about me as a person for having an interest in exploring how the perpetrator's mind works just as much as their victim's in fiction because the psychology of it is fascinating

#dr eggman #eggman #dr robotnik #dr. eggman #my post #manipulation

[salora-rainriver]

Deconstructing the Redpill Romantic Ideology #1: Replika is not worthy competition

(i dont actually know if thisll be a series but what i do know is i have essay-level thoughts about a specific brand of redpiller and their hot takes on how romance works and a gang of professional snarkers started begging me to make a blog, which made me realize I already have a blog)

you've seen takes like these and you probably don't need an essay to understand why it's deeply silly.

However, I'm not satisfied with saying "this is deeply silly" and leaving it at that, because the degree and level to which it is deeply silly and yet is a position sincerely held by multiple otherwise probably-fairly-educated-and-intelligent-humans indicates how much a very narrow view of human sexuality has embedded itself inside the human psyche, because takes like these are not only wrong, the mere premise they're built on is utterly fallacious.

so let's explore that premise!

On the surface it's a very simple argument:

AI is getting smarter, robots are getting more realistic, sex work is the oldest profession, and it can be automated. If a robot is a more ideal partner than a human woman, then men will choose the robots over human women, and without these man/woman partnerships, society will collapse and the birth rate will plummet.

but if we dig deeper into this argument, there's a few more premises here than are explicitly stated. you might THINK this is a simple argument because explicit and clearly-stated premises like "AI is getting smarter" and "sex work can be automated" are actually not fallacious. that makes sense, but here's the problem:

"If a robot is a more ideal partner than a human woman, then men will choose the robots over human women"

"without these man/woman partnerships, society will collapse and the birth rate will plummet."

these two statements are assuming a LOT. I don't care to talk about birth rates and reproduction (BLEH), so let's focus on what that first one is assuming to be true. I'll lay it out right now. If what the doomsayers claim is true, and the advent of deeply realistic sex robots and girlfriend AIs will lead men to choose sex robots and girlfriend AIs over women, then the following must also be true:

a) the only romantic or sexual competition women have at the moment is other women b) the sexual desire of women is either totally absent, or irrelevant to this issue c) when someone chooses a partner, they will only choose one d) human beings are perfectly capable of assessing who would be an ideal partner for them e) human beings actively choose who to be sexually and romantically attracted to, and they always make this decision after a careful analysis of every option in front of them. f) men want perfect partners g) companionship and sex are the primary benefits to having a romantic partner, and "companionship" can be replicated with a machine that engages in private one-on-one conversations.

and believe me when I tell you NONE OF THIS IS UNIVERSALLY TRUE.

actually you don't even need to just take my word for it, bcs this is a deranged rant and I'm gonna break it all down. because the level of which these people don't understand is fascinating and I feel like it demonstrated the power of this heteronormative mind trap that most of the world is somehow still caught in!

---------

a) the sexual desire of women is either totally absent, or irrelevant to this issue

this is, I think, the most obvious issue with the premise that people will notice. "hey, women are horny too?" and i think most people also see how this demonstrates the background radiation of blatant misogyny that's constantly permeating these arguments. Bcs come the fuck on, do you not think women are people, or something? they have choices too, they don't just accept shit. they could also replace men with robots if they wanted to.

"okay but this doesn't change anything. you've just demonstrated that the robot threat is still present, it's just working both ways" yeah no, fair enough! But now let's talk about...

b) the only romantic or sexual competition women have at the moment is other women (for the non-gendered version of this, swap out "women" for "people")

this is utterly laughable.

women are most certainly not the only romantic competition of other women. For starters, this assumes exclusive heterosexuality, and gay people exist. bi people exist. sometimes a woman's competition is a man, sometimes a man's competition is a woman. If we start talking about nonbinary people, we're gonna be here forever.

some are ace and don't have romantic or sexual competition at all, because they don't even want to compete!

But of course you could argue that queer people are a minority so this statement still stands for the vast majority of people. even if it didn't, we're still looking at a situation where the only romantic and sexual competition people have is other people.

and uh,

no.

come on, we're on the internet. here's a short list of things that have at least slightly substituted for romantic and sexual contact for like, MOST people:

fictional characters, sex toys, pornography, sex workers, dating sims, self-insert fanfiction, and unhealthy parasocial crushes on celebrities.

there's also other secondary benefits to having a partner that can be readily substituted with things that aren't romantic or sexual, such as:

really close friendships, pets, dolls, plushies, plants, virtual pets, more parasocial relationships, and family members.

there's a lot of fucking competition out there when it comes to something assessing whether or not they actually need your services as a romantic partner. Shockingly, this has not destroyed society, and the institution of marriage has not been systematically dismantled by beatlemania, Sasuke Uchiha, playboy magazine, strip clubs, BDSM clubs, the concept of a 'waifu', the entire romance novel industry, self-insert fanfiction, queerplatonic partnerships, glory holes, cat ladies, plant mamas, HuniePop, adults with stuffed animal collections, RealDolls, or your really sweet grandma who's always there for you.

so forgive me if I'm skeptical of the idea that a realistic ai-powered sex doll is going to take the dating world by storm, because this is already a hotly competitive field where many niches have already been filled. What can this sexbot offer that isn't just a slight improvement to the girlfriend-replacers already on the market? seriously.

but also, the entire concept of conceiving of the process of human mate selection like a marketplace is full of problematic assumptions. for starters...

c) when someone chooses a partner, they will only choose one

"not everyone's polyamorous, gaby" THIS ISN'T ABOUT POLYAMORY, HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED THE LEVEL OF INFIDELITY THAT HAPPENS IN NORMAL SOCIETY WITH NORMAL PEOPLE?

people get hella greedy. Even if we take the most stereotypical average guy and put him in this hypothetical situation where he's picking between perfect robot and imperfect human woman, why are we assuming he won't fuck them both? let's not be fucking naiive.

honestly, given how men and women treat their fictional crushes when they simultaneously have actual real life partners, even a faithful monogamous man will probably consider the sex doll with the same level of romantic commitment as his gf considers her vibrator: "eh, when the bae isn't around".

and while we're deconstructing the perception of human mate-selection as a marketplace of romance, let's talk about the classic problem of idealized market economics:

d) human beings are perfectly capable of assessing who would be an ideal partner for them

most folks get easily tricked into buying inferior products, so why are we so confident in the assertion that people will actually understand what an ideal romantic partner looks like? also consider how little information we tend to have on the "product" we are "buying".

people fall for abusive relationships much like they fall for scams: they're ill-informed on both the product and their best interests, they're subjected to manipulative communication strategies, their judgement may be impaired by internal or external sources, and then they're pressured into hasty decisions.

and unless sexbot companies get really fucking aggressive with their marketing, I'm not sure they'll be able to compete with your average toxic person.

"but Gaby, that's a really dystopian situation you're describing. in fact, it's more dystopian than what the sexbot doomsayers are predicting" YES, IT IS! in fact, if this was the only flaw of the premise, I would actively be speaking out against the development of sexbots, specifically because I'm aware of how insidious marketing is at convincing you that an inferior product is top of the line. honestly the fact that you're not considering the factor of deception and abuse in this situation shows that you need to get back to the books and get a better perspective on what human romance and sexuality truly entails beyond idealized formulaic scenarios.

but also... there's a way more fundamental assumption we're making with all of this:

e) human beings actively choose who to be sexually and romantically attracted to, and they always make this decision after a careful analysis of every option in front of them.

the more you think about this one, the more baffling it is.

Read that sentence again. visualize what it's describing. does that feel true to you? does that look like human behavior? does that at all align with what you've seen happening in the world?

Do I... really need to explain to you that people very rarely choose to fall in love, that love is sudden, seemingly arbitrary, illogical, subjected to raw whim, and scarcely understood? You... you already know that.

You've grown up reading this, watching this, hearing about this, feeling it. You know that the decision to love someone isn't

so... how exactly can the world of human romance ever be even remotely like a marketplace? the analogy is completely broken at even the most basic level, so why do we cling to it? has our market-based economy completely infected our minds?

You could use this perfect idealized robot as your replacement girlfriend for your entire life, but never love her, because she's not actually a person, and then you look at a new friend and you realize you *want* her. Not someone like her, not someone as good or better than her, just *her*.

Superior competition can't kill love, because love doesn't understand the meaning of 'superior'.

f) men want perfect partners

Breaking this down would just copy a bunch of what I talked about in the previous section, but I'd like to discuss where logical decisions do factor into mate decision, when immediate and obvious feelings of love aren't present, and the person is forced to consider the pros and cons of a partnership with... i guess you could say 'logic'.

let's face it, lots of people find perfection boring. Humans will actively seek out flawed partners for lots of reasons.

Sometimes they don't feel like it's a flaw. I for one think that blemishes, spots, and wrinkles are beautiful in their own way. It's fun for me to draw those sorts of faces, because it's more difficult to properly capture than the idealized smoothed-out doll face, and I love looking at them, because there can be so much detail and expression. even at their most perfectly gorgeous and realistic, I'd probably find the sex doll butt-ugly.

Some people are into the flaws on a level higher than I am, even. there's a kink for everything, and if you're here, you're probably aware of chubby chasers, hybristophiliacs, monsterfuckers, and whoever the fuck is the target audience for the yandere archetype. I don't think a sanitized sex doll will appeal to them.

Some look at a broken person and want to fix them, to care for them.

... Some look for broken people because they're easier to manipulate and turn loyal.

and all of that, of course, could hypothetically be accounted by the sex doll manufacturers. older-woman-with-cellulite doll. big nose doll. yandere doll. abuse survivor doll. maybe in the sex doll dystopia, there's a doll for everyone.

... the problem is that companies are lazy. and cowardly. if a type of appeal is too niche, no one will want to make it. these dolls are going to take a lot of work and money to produce. think about the videogame industry. lots of people with lots of different personal tastes. and it's a huge industry catering to all of those tastes... but most really big, really expensive games are middle of the road "safe" options, designed to appeal to as many as possible.

and now let's remember how poorly business executives can understand the desires of their target audience.

you're not gonna get your perfect partner. you're gonna get a bland idea of a "perfect partner" for "everyone", and she's gonna be boring. all the interesting sex bots will be low-budget and less realistic.

g) companionship and sex are the primary benefits to having a romantic partner

... and there's gonna be some things a robot and ai could never give you.

for starters, an AI can't touch you. lots of humans want a partner for the simple reason that they're touch-starved. I've heard predictions that the sexbots of the future will have realistic and warm human touch, but I do wonder how feasible that will truly be ...and there's something psychological about being touch-starved, too. People have created soft things to simulate the warmth and pressure of human touch, and I've tried some of those, and the thing is, even knowing there's not a real human makes the feeling different. no matter how realistic the sexbot is, you're gonna know she's not real.

and... some humans want children. again, someone may argue you could create a false robotic child very easily, but again, you would know that's just a doll.

and sometimes the people who want a partner are looking for someone to not just emotionally, but materially support them. Sexbots cannot do labor. they can't pay the bills. they can't cook. they can't clean. At best, maybe it'll be a virtual secretary you can fuck, but it's not exactly sound groundbreaking to put SIRI and a girlfriend AI into a blow-up doll, now does it?

and maybe you've forgotten... we're all in a society. Some people look for a partner solely because they want the status of not being single. the status of getting laid. the status of 'bagging' a girl. the status of having physical proof that you're desirable.

a fake girlfriend is never going to give you that, no matter how realistic she is.

----

and all of that's just... obvious, isn't it? I mean, normally I'd do heavy research if I wanted to deconstruct a widespread idea, but here, that'd be excessive. What, I'm supposed to prove with empirical data that love is irrational? that people get into relationships just to seek social status, financial stability, or a live-in maid you can fuck? that people want children, real children and not just dolls of children? that abusers seek out the vulnerable? that some people want to fuck Jason Voorhees? that men sometimes cheat on their gfs because they just wanted to bang another woman? that human beings aren't perfectly rational buyers? that gay people exist and women get horny?

This is... all common knowledge. So why does this bizarre view of the world of dating, sex, and romance as some sort of marketplace of perfect rational customers even exist? what sort of brainworm has captured our society to such an extent that we've all accepted this viewpoint as a valid take? why have so many fallen for it?

I suppose the easy explanation is "these men just hate women. they've never loved a woman and they don't know what it's like, so they imagine it'd be the same as what they feel when jacking off to their favorite porn," but that doesn't...

surely there isn't an epidemic of straight men who've never fallen in love. and even if there was, surely they've seen other straight men falling in love. and if they haven't... why not?

or do they think it's all a lie, that such kinds of love only happen in movies and books? are they lonely in other ways, no friends, no acquaintances, no casual parties or people-watching or talking about others with a coworker or neighbor? how deep is the bubble they're in to have them never encounter even one of the things I've discussed above, or at the least to never consider the implications of them as embodied refutations of this deeply cynical view of human relationships?

is it just that you don't care what women want, or you don't think their desires would ever produce realistic male sexbots for whatever reason?

do you think that all the porn and waifus in the world haven't cured your loneliness so you're not sure why they'd ever be in competition with real women?

or conversely, you're fully aware that they're competing with women, you think they're superior to women in every way, and you just see sexbots as the next step towards the impending obsolescence of women?

do you comprehend perfectly the notion of infidelity and non-monogamous coupling, but simply envision that no reasonable guy would want to cheat on Replika with a real woman?

do you see the fallibility of human rationality as irrelevant... or alternately, that these AI girlfriends offer a security that real women cannot give, because the AI will never surprise you?

have you never experienced a sudden and irrational desire for a very specific person, not someone like them, but only them, and you think the people who claim to have felt this are lying?

do you think the men who fall for and desire the imperfect are either lying or fundamentally broken? same for the men who want a woman capable of supporting them financially?

is the concept of wanting to care for another human being on an intimate level, just for the sake of seeing them become happier and healthier, an innately alien concept to you?

do you think yourself so deeply in the trenches of social status that you've come to spite the entire concept of it, resigned yourself to a life of being intensely undesirable, and thus how could you ever get better than this facsimile... and yet you still think your departure from the dating pool will be missed by those who've never wanted you?

have you just been holding mutually exclusive beliefs in your head this entire time, and simply never had the moment to stop, look at yourself, and realize this?

What else has broken in your mind, that you think a corporate product in the shape of a sex object will absolve you of any need for human connection?

and.... do you think we're all like that?

#gabys essay-level hot takes #nu misogyny #heteronormativity

[vashtijoy]

Hi! I really enjoy reading your analyses and thoughts, they're always so articulate and well thought out. Making me go "woah... woah!!" every time I read them haha <3 I'm curious if you have any headcanons on Joker or any interpretations of him that you particularly like ^^ Hope you have a good day!

Thank you, anon! Sorry to say I'm very much a one-trick pony, and I leave all the interesting Joker pondering to my QPP and partner-in-crime Libby/@nardaviel, who writes the Ren to my Goro. I love Joker very, very dearly, he just doesn't make me sit up in the middle of the night going OH FUCK THAT'S WHY—

That said, I mentioned this to Libby and she has kindly written an incredible guest essay, just for you. Enjoy.

...

Thanks for coming to my guest lecture! Today I'll be talking about Joker since it seems Vashti just defers to me for his characterization, which is news to me as much as it is to you, since she writes him so well.

Before we venture into territory that's more headcanony, here's the stuff that's more grounded in canon:

His parents are financially stable and support his physical needs, but are emotionally neglectful. Like. Joker is tall, he's healthy, they send him belongings when he goes to Tokyo. But then again, they send him to their friend's barista in another city and never call to check up on him. I've read a lovely fic where the lack of communication was because of a misunderstanding: A Year to Fill an Empty Home by Turandot. But it says a lot that the author had to really work hard to make it possible, I think. (Please be aware that Vashti hasn't read that fic, if that matters to you! It's my rec.)

He doesn't live in the ass-end of nowhere before canon. You can see tall buildings in the background of the Shido flashback, and also, why would Shido be in the ass-end of nowhere? Vashti and I decided he lives in Mito, the prefectural capital of Ibaraki, but that was partly just so we had a specific place for him to be for our RP. It fits, though, I think. Some taller buildings but not all that built up, and Shido would have more reason to visit a prefectural capital in Kanto than another random city of the same size, especially one further from Tokyo.

He had friends and a social life before his conviction. I'm not saying he was a social butterfly, but he seems so shocked and withdrawn in the animated cutscene at the start of the game, and it seems to me that if he was used to being a pariah his reaction wouldn't be so extreme. I also think he dated a couple of times pre-conviction, though it never got serious, and has had his first kiss before he gets to Tokyo, but that really does start to stray into pure headcanon territory.

He's real smart and can pick anything up incredibly quickly. I don't even know if this counts as a headcanon, actually. Look at how good he gets at whatever he chooses to get good at. Coffee. Curry. Billiards. School. Fighting. Making infiltration tools. Flower arranging. Shogi. My guy just has a big wrinkly brain.

He likes being whatever his confidants need. It doesn't feel like a burden to him, it feels rewarding. He needs to be needed, and also, the more they talk about themselves, the more they ask for his help, the more he gives them whatever facet of himself they vibe with, the less he has to reveal of his entire true self, which he has a horror of. I feel like that comes from his upbringing, that sense that people want him to be helpful, they don't want him to be him. It would suit his parents' vibe, and it's deeply embedded in Joker's psyche. It's really not healthy in the long run and it'll wear him out, but I think he chooses it. A lot of the time I see this conception of the PTs as taking and taking and never giving back. And there's some element of truth in that, I guess, but then when you max out their confidants, they all tell Joker they want to be there for him in return. And he just never takes them up on it at all. He doesn't want to.

However! I think Goro brings out something a lot closer to Joker's true self. Goro doesn't ask him for anything, Goro just challenges him, and Joker thrives when challenged--but Goro also requires kindness, especially around the midpoint of the confidant and at the end, and Joker bleeds kindness from every pore. Joker is kind and a daredevil and twisty and kind of a little shit, and Goro brings all that out. He's where Joker can be himself, even though Joker also has to navigate all the Metaverse shit while they're hanging out.

Joker doesn't feel like a fully realized person exists under all the fronts he puts on. The lyrics to Beneath the Mask put this idea in my head, and it fits, you know? If you play a part for long enough, you start to believe the act is all you are. He hasn't sat down and rationally come to this conclusion or anything, it's just a feeling he has on a really deep level. Being a wild card, switching personas back and forth and fusing them together, doesn't help.

The only way to really corrupt Joker is by playing on his fear for his friends, and even that's tough. The Yaldabaoth and Maruki bad ends are both like that, Joker caving and letting a shitty new world form because he can't bear to lose his friends. But in both endings, his friends aren't just threatened, they're already gone. Joker's watched the PTs die, he's heard Goro die. He has to be able to handle some level of threat to them, or he would be an awful leader; it's just when the worst has already happened that the game option appears for him to be unable to handle it. For an idea of what a Joker unable to handle leading the PTs into danger would look like, here's a stunning Strikers fic: Daredevil, You've Hit the Wall by ez_cookie (also solely my rec). I can 100% imagine that he might be like this after P5 canon, but it is after P5 canon. He's not like that during the game.

He is angry as fuck. He doesn't spend every hour of every day seething, but it's always there, ready to light up. He's been angry since his first arrest and it's going to take a whole lot longer than one year for him to get over it, if he ever does. He has nerves of absolute steel and is almost impossible to intimidate, though I suspect the interrogation room might have given him some specific buttons that can be pressed. But if he's not being clapped in handcuffs, like... I think of him glaring at shadow Kamoshida, which is extra disrespectful in a Japanese context, when he and Ryuji are in their dungeon cell about to be killed in a situation too surreal to comprehend. And everyone being understandably freaked out when Yaldabaoth's true form is revealed, and then you see Joker just standing there with his fists clenched.

He has specific principles that he adheres to, at times at the cost of his own safety, but sometimes the principles are not what you might expect a hero's principles to be. Morgana says, "This might kill Kamoshida btw," and Joker's just like, "I guess that's just a risk we have to take." And he lets Ann make her own decision in that regard. Arsene comes with eiha, a curse spell. Joker isn't an antihero at all, don't get me wrong, but he's a hero with a dark aspect.

He's incapable of leaving well enough alone when someone is suffering. Chasing Ann through the metro station, for one thing, and being, if you'll forgive me, very stupidly obvious about solving his confidants' problems in the Metaverse. A bleeding heart. And once he's decided to do something, he's going to do it, and good fucking luck to you if you want to stop him.

But he also enjoys messing around. He teases his friends. He plays little pranks. He bullshits with a totally straight face just to see what happens. He shows off during billiards games. He likes playing video games and reading and other normal hobbies. He's a kid, you know? A remarkable kid, but still just a kid.

In the Metaverse, he's able to be his flashier self, which is not very socially acceptable in reality, especially if you're a delinquent trying very hard not to draw attention to yourself. He has a great time showing off for his friends some more, being ruthless with shadows, and saying some truly wild things when he attacks. I think a big part of it is that he has all that anger and its only real outlet is screaming DIE, DIE, DIE as he rips into shadows. Or, more seriously, summoning all that rage out of his heart and using it to fight back the only way he can.

He comes out of the game extremely disillusioned with law enforcement and the government. One idealistic Diet member confidant isn't nearly enough to counterbalance all of That.

And venturing more into headcanon territory:

Before the conviction, he was just kind of a normal dude. He was restless, because Joker is an adrenaline junkie lol, and he often felt like he was useless. But he was just a kid who hung out with his friends, and studied, and tried to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. He'd worked out that he wanted to do something that made a difference, but that was about it. He'd never thought much about police corruption or any of that. He'd heard about it but he never really thought it would touch him...

His lawyer told him around the time of his trial that his eyes made him look like a criminal, which is where the fake glasses come from. When he isn't wearing them, his eyes are so intense, so I hc that his poor, doomed defense lawyer gave him the giant ugly glasses to kind of blunt the effect. And Joker never ever forgot those words. Your eyes make you look like a criminal. So he kept wearing them. Which is why he takes them off at the end of the game! He finally feels free of the weight of other people's judgment.

He was never super-expressive, but after his conviction he realizes that if he shields himself behind a blank face (and big fake glasses), it's almost like the people who are giving him the side-eye and gossiping about him are talking about someone else. Then that skill becomes useful when he has to hide that he's a wanted criminal lol.

He almost feels like he becomes a different person when he's Joker, not in a multiplicity sort of way but just in that the feeling of being ostracized vanishes, and it takes a lot of uncertainty and anxiety with it.

He cries when he tells Goro he'll stop Maruki. Not full-on sobbing but tears on his face. Then he lies in bed that night and tries to turn himself into someone who can march into Maruki's palace and fight with all his heart to destroy him, knowing that he's fighting to kill the guy he loves. He folds himself smaller and smaller and stuffs himself into a little corner of his mind, and the rest of him empties of everything but the necessity of what he has to do. ...which means on 2/3 he's extremely grim and businesslike all day, but he gets the fucking job done. Then he finds himself in solitary confinement with nothing to do but think about all the ways he failed Goro, so that's cool.

No matter what I do, I can't imagine a universe in which Joker doesn't have some kind of postcanon mental health crisis. Between the trauma of the interrogation room, the trauma of everything that happened with Goro, the trauma of dying in Shibuya after all his friends died in front of him, not to mention everything in the Metaverse beforehand, and how he was treated by society for a year, and how between early November and Valentine's Day he jumped from one terrifying disaster to the next worse disaster... and all the guilt he must feel for, essentially, wiping out an entire reality and murdering everyone there that was alive again, or that would have been born... Even if he stayed in Tokyo, he would crumple without the next crisis forcing him to keep it together a little longer. But he doesn't stay in Tokyo. He goes home and exchanges Sojiro for his parents, and all his friends and confidants for only Morgana.

He dissociates sometimes, even after the postcanon mental health crisis has passed. He learns it in the interrogation room, and once you've learned how to do it, you don't forget. Specifically, he feels like he's a few layers removed from everything that's happening.

More cheerfully: Like I said before, he's a little shit. He says obnoxious things and makes bad puns on purpose because it's funny when people get annoyed. He's the kind of guy who would know full well Han shot first, and because of that, look a Star Wars fan in the face and say, with utter seriousness, "Yeah, but we all know Greedo shot first."

He loves Goro for his cleverness and his bright, scintillating determination, and his cynicism, which strikes a chord in Joker after his conviction. And his devotion, as well, which Goro would think he was imagining but Joker can see it. Goro understands him, and he needs Joker's entire self: kind, giving, competitive, cynical, stubborn, sometimes provocative. And that's impossible for Joker to resist.

I'm sure there's a lot of stuff I've forgotten, but I think that's the outline of my picture of Joker. I am a torturer of characters so a lot of this is angst-focused, but I don't think Joker's entire existence is suffering. His friends bring him a lot of happiness, and his work with the Thieves is fulfilling, though maybe less so at the end.

#asks #persona 5 #ren amamiya #akira kurusu #p5 meta

[mifhortunach]

the Wonderful @rhavewellyarnbag (theirs here!) tagged me in a thing to list '8' shows to get to know me better - ty!

i honestly dont watch a lot of tv, so this is all over the place, deepest apologies:

The Terror (2018) - obviously!! if we have spoken it is almost certainly bc of this show. One of the purest alignments of all of my interests & 'concerns'- its got it ALL!: the arctic, old ships, guys being trapped in a place & set of social structures/roles, lots of ice, man-hauling, cannibalism, the historical voice resolving itself into fate(?), etc etc etc, the list just goes on & on.

Barry - in part just bc im thinking about it lots atm, in part bc, like the terror, its doing a lot of stuff i'm super into; who DOESNT like smth that's just looking real hard at what 'performing' means, as well as the violence in everything, and yknow... its funny

Beyond Belief - i dont think anyone should really watch this, BUT i watched SO much of this as a kid, and forced my friends to watch so much of it, that somewhere it surely must be deeply embedded in my psyche. when i first saw tng i was like, 'omg, your man from beyond belief???', watch the guaranteed video spoof instead (x) :)

spn - similar to above lbr. i watched almost all of it over a 1-2 month period when i was like. 14, and haven't seen it since really, but it did manage to introduce me to a surprising amount of music :/ - i DO believe there are some genuine bangers in there though; both songs & eps

The Tick - i'm mostly thinking of the '01 version i guess, but the 2016 series is honestly the better of the two. theres just really smth to how it works being a superhero as a gay metaphor, as well as how much it is genuinely just basically a superhero sitcom lol. the 2016 one has much more heart, but the 2001 id like to mold in my hands ykwim?

This Morning with Richard not Judy - bizarro late-90s comedy 'morning show', you can only find it kinda low-quality on youtube now. i dont think its either as daring or as weird as fist of fun, but some of the segments are pretty good, and i like its qualities of both repetition pushed to a breaking point, and refusal to be friendly with the audience.

The IT Crowd - genuinely would NOT rec, remember SO very little of it, but i DO think about that "a fire? at a sea-parks???" bit so SO often - unbelievable delivery - just watch that clip, and imagine that being a whole B or C plot for an episode of television, leave the rest

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace - absolutely unique, matt holness is still the dirk gently casting of my dreams; you do have to put up with so much early 00s british comedian spotting tho

tagging, if they're interested :) !: @silverview @mithridic @cctinsleybaxter @nonsensegnomes @jdmara @imageofvoid @kinksheriff

#ppp #ty truly for tagging me!! real hardcore memory trip 2 actually try to recall anything ive seen in the last decade or so lol #maybe one day ill watch tv again

[jonbinary]

david cage sucks/heavy rain is a Bad videdo game ecetera + the solution to lamebad creators cant just be 'what if there were gay people in their media teehee' . but literally viewing norman jayden as a deeply deeply closeted trans woman is SO embedded in my psyche that i forget its not actually part of the game . its his matrix coding sorry

#like i think HE doesnt even know #hes one of those girls thats like 'dont all guys want to look like girls haha' #<- unburdened by the truth as of yet #orion.txt #norman

[cookinguptales]

Okay but this is a genuine question. have you studied psychology or maybe have a habit of reading psychoanalytical works? bc you character analysis are so well thought out and so eloquently put. so much of what you write on wwdits had never even crossed my mind before but as soon as i read it’s like yeah that’s pretty much it. i sometimes catch myself reading your meta and seeing so much of me or of people i know irl in it. the only thing i could image is that to interpret media like that you gotta have some sort of background in psychology, even if it’s just as a hobby.

This is very sweet but also very incorrect, lmao. I am actually related to an ex-psychologist and growing up around them was so fucking miserable that I always avoided psych like the plague in school.

That said, I was deeply embedded in the humanities and was technically in college between the ages of fourteen and twenty-seven. Which means that I spent a lot of time writing 10-page deep dives into topics most people do not even give one half of one shit about. So that prepared me really well for tumblr.

#replies #and honestly I did end up majoring in religious studies and folklore #which is really just examining the human condition through another lens #so there's that #my other major was EALC but that was just because I was studying shinto and buddhism in Japan

[hedgewyse]

Today my Vegas thoughts are his relationship with death, which I can sort of relate to due to my weird upbringing. [cw: death and suicide]

My parents were very fatalistic about death right from when I was a toddler... it was to be expected at any time, and used as a comfort/dismissal for the worst of life's problems... Coming from a fun combo of living with terrorism and cult beliefs, really.

"not worth worrying about you could be dead tomorrow"

"shrug it off, they will be punished in the afterlife"

"won't it be great when we're all dead and together in a better place"

(look I'm not going to deny it has had... uh... an impact on me, these are not appropriate ways to deal with an upset child, but we're here for Vegas... focus!)

And my point is that I imagine growing up in the mafia is somewhat similar... Vegas must have seen friends and family and people he grew close with die all the time. It changes your perspective. Stops you getting too attached. Or strengthens your belief in the chance of justice in the next life. You become both more attached to this life, determined to live it up and feel things while you still can, and also less attached, the understanding that death is just around the corner embedded so deeply in your psyche that it doesn't feel scary as such, more like a friend who was always going to visit eventually. Other 'normal' people freaking out about death and dying just seem a little over emotional, honestly. It's just part of life.

And so I came to think maybe he has spent a lot of the series acknowledging and preparing for death.

Vegas knows he will probably die violently, it's just part of the family legacy. The tensions with the major family and the increasingly difficult missions he takes on to impress his father only make it more likely.

-He goes to the temple to prepare. He mentions the 'next life together' explicitly to Pete.

-He asks Porsche to kill him quickly if it comes to it.

-For some reason his father doesn't kill him and release him from the whole nightmare that is his continual failure, just keeps making life harder.

-He antagonises Kinn by going after Porsche, and keeps escalating that even when he knows how Kinn will react. Does he want Kinn to shoot him?

-He yells in frustration at Pete to shoot him.

Eventually he is so unhinged at how nothing in his life has worked out that he figures he may as well speed it up, and turns his gun on himself. He's ready to die, has been for a long time, and no matter what he does it keeps eluding him and he has to go on suffering.

and then Pete comes along and gives him a reason to stay...

#vegas theerapanyakul #cw death #cw suicide #kinnporsche

[lovely-tothe-bone]

Today in therapy I realized my inner child is dead. (TW reference assault)

I had probably the best therapy session I've had in years. I'm having very mixed feelings about the therapist, not in a bad way. I'm hoping that once my sessions end we can be friends.

I can feel the depression creeping up on me like vines. Sometimes I feel ok. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in my room and cry. Or just anywhere I can have privacy. Sometimes I don't want to move. Sometimes I don't want to think. I could barely focus enough to pay attention during class yesterday. I hate that because someone else touched me without my permission, now I have to suffer. Why does the person who did wrong never suffer?

There's something that's struggling to come out. Once I made that connection about my inner child being dead. I didn't even realize it until I had said the words. They just slipped out and then what I said hit me, I knew it was true. But after I could feel something brewing, literally feel it swirling inside of me, things inside of me trying to coalesce and come out as one thing. I just don't know what it is yet.

I'm supposed to start journaling and doing my other out of touch creative outlets. It's hard to find time or energy. Plus when I do, I just feel stuck. Nothing wants to come out.

I also fessed up to something that I don't think I've really said to anyone....I hate myself. Again, I didn't even know I was going to say it. But it's true. And if I'm really going to heal my brain trauma then I have to start being honest and truly opening up because I've spent years stuffing all this shit down and just trying to hold myself together enough to get through each day that I'm totally disconnected from everything I feel. At the root of all these problems I really think it all comes back to the fact that I hate myself. It's not that I think I'm a bad person. I just think I'm hideous and unloveable. I don't think I'm valuable in a way that matters. I don't think I matter to anyone. I'm not important to anyone. I'm not really sure that this can be fixed because it's something deeply embedded in my psyche during those first 5 years so it might as well be innate. It's my default. How do you dissociate family support from those things? How do you alter the messages your brain embedded about the world?

[anvoo]

21.06.2023 - milestone

First night in a long time that I've been able to sit with myself and write. It's, calming. I feel like it's "me", you know? It's like, I could see myself months and years from now, still sitting down at the end of the day, writing.

I have a not-great habit of shaking my legs whenever I feel anxious or upset, so on the days when I'm not feeling my greatest, I would feel muscle pain in the evening or night from all the leg shaking. I'm trying to keep both my feet on the ground and still as I'm writing :p

I remember somebody saying: "A lot of people who are suicidal don't actually want to die, they just want their current situation to end or change." That seems to be true in my case. To reassure everyone, I don't intend or want to kill myself. It's just the thought of "I want my current situation to change", followed by the idea of suicide as one of the options/solutions. It seems like the easiest solution for me to connect my current actions and decisions with the end goal of "current situation changing".

I really don't want to die right now. Who knows if there's reincarnation or the afterlife, so I want to fully cherish and make the best out of my current life. I want to draw more; to write more; to meet people; to treat them nicely and be treated nicely back; to see more art; to listen to good music; to have experiences; to enjoy things; to have freedom and choose; to live for and by myself...

My future, my path forward right now is concrete and clear to me. No matter what happens, no matter what I want to achieve or do, the path forward is the same. The story of my life is written mainly through decisions and actions, not thoughts, ink, or typing. It's the "doing" part that determines.

To "do" requires energy, willpower, and motivation. One that is hindering me, is my tendency to divert my energy, willpower, and motivation, to "think". To come up with the perfect motivation, to have the answer to all my doubts and questions, to come to a revelation! Once I have done that everything will be easy, but it won't be. Knowing exactly what you want and need to do won't make you suddenly be able to put in 16 hours a day of work, study, or self-care. Coming to a revelation won't change the procrastination and validation-seeking habits that are embedded so deeply in your psyche and behaviors. It helps, of course, but it can't be the only thing. I need to "do". I have done enough "think". I'll continue to, of course, but now I need to strike a better balance between the two in order to achieve my goals.

I'm grateful that I have people who care about me. Their support really means a lot to me and it helps me to get through tough times. I'll take it in and continue to try my best and move forward.

Balance in my life is still something that I'm trying to achieve. Having just video games or a romantic relationship be the only pillar that holds me up isn't great, and it makes me unhappy :C Not having my romantic relationship be the core or the center of my existence doesn't mean that it's suddenly meaningless now. It's me enriching my life and being kinder to myself. It even helps to bring more value and meaning to the relationship itself. I'm more interesting, more stable, happier, and wiser,...; it's also the fact that placing the stake of your entire emotional and mental well-being on your romantic relationship going well is just damaging to it and your well-being xD This reminds me a bit of a line from Samantha in Her(2013):

"The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less. It actually makes me love even more."

In the context of the film, the quote probably has a slightly different meaning (Samantha loving 641 other people), but in this moment for me, it's about all the things that I said above.

So, what now?

Well, For my academic and career goals, do well with my studies. For my fitness and physical health goals, gym and healthy diet. For my mental health goals, being kind to myself, keep doing my best, and continue to write. For my hobbies and interests, draw more, and engage more in activities. For my socializing, practice more spoken German, and go out more (it's fun, as all the previous times you've gone:>). For me and Cat, just keep doing my best for myself. I know I'll know when I'm ready to reconnect and give us another shot, and I'll talk to her then. We talked and discussed a lot about us, our promise and break, and our future together, so I know it's a decision that wasn't made lightly. I believe in us, in our feelings together, and that we can do it!

Sounds nice. Goodnight!

Goodnight!

#journal #diary #motivation #thoughts #self love #self help #abstract #art #writing

[krs724490]

6/12/2023

The quantity of stuff to write feels as if it is too much for the human hand unassisted by the keyboard. My handwriting cannot keep up with the pace of my mind and so I come here to let it all out...

I believe in signs. I believe the world is an intentional place. I know this more than ever now. There is not a leaf, a speck of dust, a feather floating in the wind that God does not know about. So I read into these signs and symbols and lately they all contradict themselves. As the story unfolds I get increasingly confused.

I pull a tarot card. 2 of cups, upside down. “Blinded by infatuation. Disillusionment within a love relationship or close friendship. Overindulging in sensuality.” Everything comes to a halt. I know exactly what it means. I know that it’s true. Somehow I have woven this insane story in my head. Based off of what? There is no substance, no truth behind it. It’s all so spun in my mind. I acknowledge the card - bitch I knowwww. I’m trying to put it down! I’m just having a hard time!

Yesterday night I attended breathwork. I went in having no clue what would come up. No expectations, and again I was completely shocked by what came up. So caught off guard because I didn’t realize how deeply embedded in my psyche he was. It was his face. Head on. Just his face, his head, like he was a floating memoji that apple just invented but like not a cartoon, his real features. Chocolate brown eyes that sparkle. A little bit of stubble. Just his face. and the frustration I felt. I’ve just gotten out of a relationship. I’ve been working hard to stay inside of myself and not direct my energy towards men. I’ve been wanting to weave the independent woman narrative who is working on herself to create the most beautiful “side of the street” her side of the street, a solid side of the street. The fact that I paid for this breathwork session just to see Daniels face? Just to work up shit about him? Preposterous. Unthinkable. ANNOYING. The girl next to me was screaming like hell and all I could think was girl.. me too. Why is this my experience right now? Always why God? Not trusting God. Not understanding his plan. I sat there and I questioned him. Because if my life was a movie and someone was writing the plot, this would be about the chapter where the independent girlie takes flight. I couldnt understand why him. I reached out to Toni’s mat and I said to God, she can have him. She can have EVERY ounce of him. Just please release me from this hold he has on me. I would pay to have it removed. It feels like such an uncontrollable thing. I wish I didn’t have it, but it is not my will it is Gods will, so I will sit with the disease. It truly feels like a hinderance at this point. I let go of this portion of the session and my emotions started to settle. I started to wander. and then... I got angry. I wanted to fight for my independent life. For the ME. For my half of the puzzle that has nothing to do with anybody else. So I breathed HARDER and I triggered more experience because I was unwilling to accept my initial experience. I saw this room. My room. My white and golden room. God’s glowing, Golden girl. She is tidy. She is connected to this space. She doesn’t live in it, she lives of it, with it, as if it is an extension of her body. She loves this space with her whole heart because it nourishes her. It is her sanctuary. The vision was of a witch, pixie, a goddess who lives in this very room. She keeps her spine long, head held high. She has spirit constantly flowing through her. She seeks God with every ounce of her energy. She presents herself in a way that gives her confidence. She is on the same level as the world, she lives with it, she does not try to float above it. She allows the “bad” just as much as the good. She welcomes all of it with open arms, trusting in God’s mystery. She sees people, she cares about how they are doing, she cares about getting to know them, she cares about their stories because she knows thats the only way to make a true difference in the world. To see people and to listen intently. To put a hand on their back and make them feel loved, cared for, attended to. She always chooses to say hi. She also has bags under her eyes. She is not perfect. She is not immortal. She feels the lethargy and she watches it. Observes it from a distance and doesn’t toss and turn with it. In fact she delights in it, in her silly neurosis. Silly tired girl. Bit off more than she could chew again! She doesn’t see being tired as not being in the center. She sees being tired as part of it. All part of it. Part of how it goes. and so it is... This is the girl I fought for. The girl I breathed hard to see. The girl I wouldnt give up on. 

I’m not sure if breathwork gives you what God wants you to see or what you want to see. It’s probably both. God wants you to see your own inner workings. Seeing Daniel jolted me. I didn’t realize he had made his way so deep. Chloe texted about Jacob saying he wasn’t able to date because he’s a manager. If he truly wanted her he wouldve found a way. You cant stop real love with a silly rule. I also take this as a sign to let Daniel go. How come he came up so strongly in breathwork just for the tarot and the rest of the world to ask me to put him down? I DONT KNOW WHY. I will never know, my human brain will never be able to compute. and so I just let it happen. I toss my hands up and say ok God - I’m here for the ride that you have crafted for me, the song you composed. I trust you, I may not fully understand your [logic] LOL as if God uses logic! He only uses love and energy. and I trust that more than anything. All things in your hands God. Did I mention I pulled the 2 of cups upside down AGAIN this morning. The day after breathwork. I believe God is telling me not to overindulge in Daniel and to set. him. down. I release all things to you God. Amen.

[a-finger-pointing-at-the-moon]

Listening to Howie Mandel describing his life with OCD was like listening to a sustained existential crisis, deeply embedded in the nerves and psyche and fed by increasingly ingrained patterns, in some ways across generations. Of course, the thing about an existential crisis is that there’s no escaping the need for death. Not just the inevitability of it, but the value of it. Death is the window of transformation, necessary for whatever comes next. The lowest point in my mental/emotional health was the period I spent realizing death was the only release I could fathom from what was, at the time, a crippling fear of non-existence. Absolutely debilitating. The fear was an overdeveloped attachment to whatever I thought I knew about myself and about reality. The assumptions are that the only thing to experience that isn't “Me” is “Nothing” and that “experience” and “existence” are inherently separate things. So to my younger self, I say: remember “nothing” doesn’t mean what you think it means; there's no room for nothing in a universe that contains everything -- there's simply Everything Else; and death is the dissolution into That. Have preferences, make choices, be human, AND, at some point, allow the little and big deaths in life. They make everything possible, including gratitude and humility. Remember that you live inside of infinitely bigger beings, just as a cell lives in the liver in the human in the Earth. To dissolve from one place is to disperse into a bigger meaning. Remember the bigger unknowns that contain us and live through us. It changes everything.

#existential #death #mental health #anxiety #thank you to all the ppl who've helped me

[circus4apsycho8]

OKOK HEAR ME OUT?? A VALENTINES DAY COLE X READER WHERE COLE IS HAVING TROUBLE ASKING THE READER OUT AND ONE OF THE NINJA HELPS HIM WITH IT?? JUST LOTS OF FLUFF IDK

𝚊/𝚗: 𝚊 𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚟𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚎’𝚜 𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚏𝚒𝚌! 𝚎𝚗𝚓𝚘𝚢 :)

valentine's day. | cole x reader

This is backwards as all hell and Cole knows it. 

Of all the villains he has faced. Out of all the peril he’s endured. How is it that no villain or life-threatening situation could beckon this type of anxiety from Cole’s chest…and yet, you can? 

A hefty sigh emanates from Cole’s chest as he sifts his fingers through his hair. That very question had been haunting him throughout the night as tossed and turned, a deeply-rooted anxiety prohibiting sleep. 

That nervousness seemed planted firmly within his tummy with no intention of leaving anytime soon. His hands fidget with the hem of his hoodie as he bites his lip, trying to gather what’s left of his nerve. 

Come on. I have nothing to be scared of. Why am I so nervous? 

Deep down, he knows why. The years of neglect had embedded a fear of rejection within him that he had yet to shake. Never before had he cared for Valentine’s Day. It just…existed, holding neither a good nor bad portion of his opinion. Still, he thinks the holiday is a bit overrated. Yet, he can’t think of a better time to get this dilemma off of his chest. Even with such a good opportunity at his fingertips, he still can’t muster the courage to step outside to initiate the remnants of his fractured plan. 

Cole releases a heavy sigh, flopping back onto his bed. With every passing second, another part of him becomes convinced he had just been reading the signs wrong. Maybe you were just trying to be friendly and he’d been interpreting it all wrong. He wouldn’t be surprised. 

Either way, he still can’t deny how he feels for you. His team was the reason he’s sitting here now, about to collapse in a heap of nervous jelly. 

He sits up and glances at the sink, deciding that a splash of cold water would do him good. He stands, making his way towards it and swiping it on. With his head so close to the stream of water, it masks the sound of the door opening. 

Upon lightly dampening his face with chilly water, he glances up to see an exasperated Kai before him, arms folded as he stares at Cole with a scrutiny-laced gaze – an expression the Ninja of Earth was far too familiar with. 

“Are you really still freaking out?” Kai wonders, leaning against the door. 

“Yeah,” Cole mumbles as he pats his face dry with the towel, leaving the fabric pressed against his face for a moment. “I don’t think I can do it, Kai.” 

“Come on, man, you’re just psyching yourself out! Just go and ask! It’s not like the world’s ending.” 

“It’s not that easy for me, though,” Cole murmurs as he lifts his face out of the towel, staring at Kai. “I…I get so nervous. It’s like my throat tightens up and I just can’t speak…” 

Kai studies him for a moment more before sighing and stepping up to Cole, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Hey. I get that it’s nerve-wracking as hell, and that the fear of potentially getting rejected is a very real and crushing thing, but would you rather go on without taking this chance? Because there's still the chance of acceptance, you know. Not every outcome has a negative result.” 

“Well…true, but…I don’t know.” The black ninja falls silent as he walks back over to his bed, sitting on the edge. He drops his forehead into his hands. “Every time I think about doing this, I just get this image in my head. I see and hear my dad telling me that I’m not good enough. That I won’t be able to pull it off.” 

“You know she doesn’t think that way about you.” 

Cole remains silent, keeping his head low as he thinks. Kai sighs again, coming over to rest a supportive hand on Cole’s shoulder. 

“She doesn’t, I promise you. I know it’s tough, but it’ll be good for you both to clear this up, okay?” 

The distressed ninja nods, looking up and sucking in a deep breath. “Okay. Okay. I can do this.” 

“There you go. Take a second to pull yourself together then go ask. Good luck.” 

… 

The nearby sound of your voice elicits that signature anxiety from his belly as Cole steps into the living room, watching as you chat with Lloyd. The blond sees him first, a wide grinning appearing on the young ninja’s face. You turn after seeing Lloyd’s shift in attention. 

“Hi, Cole!” you chirp, Lloyd following with a similar greeting. He nods in response, throat tightening as he inhales deeply. 

“Hey,” he replies, forcing himself to ease up a little. It’s just you. There’s nothing to worry about. “Um…could we talk, please?” 

“Of course,” you answer, shooting Lloyd a quick smile as you stand, making your way towards the dark-haired ninja. You follow him out to the deck, gently shutting the door behind you. “What’s up? Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah, I just wanted to ask you something,” Cole answers, turning his back towards you as he rubs the back of his neck. 

“Go ahead,” you reply gently, the tone of your voice slightly soothing his shot nerves as he faces you. 

“Well...I, uh...I was wondering if you would want to maybe...go out with me sometime?” 

His head starts spinning as the question finally escapes him, eyes glued to you as he tries to gauge your reaction. 

“Really?” 

He nods, lips seemingly stuck as he watches a smile beginning to line your lips. 

“I would love to!” you reply, jumping forward so that you can hug him. Cole stumbles back, eyes wide in shock as his arms hesitantly slip around you. 

He exhales, closing his eyes as the tension within him releases and he smiles. “C-Cool.” 

While following an excited you babbling about potential date ideas, he spots Kai leaning against the entrance, shooting him a thumbs-up and a smirk. 

#ninjago #ninjago x reader #cole x reader #reader insert #cole brookstone x reader #im trash at updating im so sorry #ily guys <3

[pixeldolly]

Walden BACC #421

Vernoraxia felt her mind reeling; on the one hand, her mother’s words made sense, and if she thought about it, her bond with Mary did go beyond physical attraction. They just clicked; they could talk for hours, and she felt she could tell her anything (if she dared...). They were perfectly happy just being in each other’s space, it felt safe and comfortable and never like an intrusion.

On the other hand, her anxieties were so deeply embedded into her psyche, they were hard to let go of. 

Vernoraxia: “I dunno, Mom, I just...don’t know! I wish I had a simple, clear-cut answer, something to settle my doubts once and for all!”

Larkin: “Matters of the heart, beloved, are rarely simple and clear-cut.”

Larkin: “You need some time to process all this, but you won’t be able to do that while sitting here stewing over it. Tell you what; why don’t we go out for a coffee, and you can show me around campus; it’s been quite a long time since I visited a university.”

Vernoraxia: “You went to college?”

Larkin: “I taught comparative literature as a guest lecturer once.”

Vernoraxia: “You what?!”

Larkin: “A story for another time. Go on, make ready, and invite your sister and cousin too, who at this very moment are scrambling back upstairs to pretend they weren’t eavesdropping.”

#sims 2 #the sims 2 #sims2 #ts2 #sims 2 bacc #bacc: walden #larkin meade #vernoraxia meade #uniyears