krs724490

[krs724490]

4.20.2024

all I ever wanted to be was isolated up in the trees. to live in a treehouse and to study myself and the mysteries of this world. to transcend. to be one with. and then I realized its all about connection. its about sitting with a tall spine. its about being attentive to any and every relationship. the most contagious energy is the energy created amongst fellow humans (possibly animals) the way mutual kindness heals the soul is a medicine I have not indulged in. its always been rushing off to meditate or to do a practice I think will heal me when in reality the healing energy comes from having a long, energetic, kind, attentive conversation with the couple I'm dog sitting for. Not rushing to escape it, but soaking it in. I realize I do not value small talk, Ive always found it useless. I didn't understand. But small talk is the definition of connecting with a stranger. you can't jump into the big stuff so you touch on the small. and people love that. people feel cared for, seen when you can touch them in that small way. that small talk, it matters. and yes it takes energy, but its worth every ounce. to not be a recluse. I'm headed off for the summer and I do need to dive into some of my stuff. but I'm excited to see the ways connection can play a role in what I do from here on out. while isolated up here in the trees, trapped by snow and weather, I will write to my loved ones. I will thank them.

graham

As time passes, I get to sit here and write my card from a new understanding of you. More experiences acquired/thoughts shared/conflicts sorted. Writing cards will never get old. I love putting all this into words - articulating it helps me process... and I love telling you my thoughts from a deeper place, making sure you know how loved you are. We're in the beginning right now and I really enjoy the process of learning you - hearing your thoughts, witnessing the way you live, seeing how you navigate our relationship as well as your other relationships. You've surprised me in many ways. I'm not sure who I thought you were, but the more I know, the more I love. and it doesn't come from a place of admiring that you "have it together" as a mature adult man... because yes, you are so great at connecting with your friends, and being socialable, and you have a great career you love, youre so handsome, etc etc all those things, I could go on... those are great things. You are badass for being who you are, but I love you not necessarily for being that person. It's more that I can see your heart underneath it all. I can see the way you care so genuinely about others, the way you take care of people (especially Marcos, Brian, your brother and sister). The way you are honestly trying to do what's best for everyone in every situation. You are good hearted. and it is so attractive. It's very easy to love you.

There is something about our relationship where instead of hitting the gas pedal and wanting to rush into creating this big grand love story where we take on the world together... instead I want to pump the brakes and enjoy a steady ride. because I'm not chasing some elusive love story, it feels like I'm here living it. There's no urgency, I just trust. I trust us to find adventure and create the moments of love when we get there, when the timings right for both of us. It feels so good to just let it flow, I think it's a gift we've given ourselves by being in alignment on this level. Thank you, for showing me the ways dating and love can really make sense and be easy if you have the right two people. I appreciate you more than you know. and I love you from my coochie to pluto.

gabe

megan

brenna

alison's bday

mother's day

father's day dad

father's day eric

[krs724490]

4.16.2024

underwater, the pain holding your head down near the sands surface.

you manage to come up for air at various points for various lengths of time before you get sucked under again.

sometimes it feels like there is extra venom in the pain's wrath, holding your head down with a certain vindictiveness.

but nevertheless you wriggle yourself free and come up to bobble once more.

you know the lessons must be cooked through. in your own time, in your own way.

at times it feels all lessons have been washed away with the tide, the pain holding me down with no way to know which way is up

more often the attitude is changing, the optimism coming back, popping up to see the sky at 5pm and settling for the night above water

usually when I'm drug down at 10am

[krs724490]

4.16.2024

do it despite

do it even when

do it alongside

do it because that's what we came here to do

the negativity will be there, the doubt will be there, the old paths will be there, do it the way you know you need to anyway.

follow your heart anyway

show up anyway

try. keep moving forward.

[krs724490]

4.12.2024

take him off of his pedestal. he seems distant and detached and distracted. like he's going through the motions but he doesn't mean them. im not sure if its because I am insecure. I think its a little bit of both. I keep telling myself that I'm "baked in" and hes not uninterested. but I can't help but think I'm not holding his attention because I'm uninteresting in the ways he needs. always pressuring myself to be what he needs instead of growing in my own right and I'm so sick of it.

this is my weekend to just be myself. be with my friends. enjoy the festivities and not have to factor him in. he had a nightmare about engagement rings. how is that supposed to make me feel. I know this is all a reflection of my own insecurity. and if I was confident in myself and my relationship, I wouldn't question. these things wouldnt hold weight. I'm here to say, its difficult and that's ok. I'm here to say you deserve someone who isn't distracted. whose eyes are constantly flitting about. whose gaze is elsewhere. where it makes you feel like he's checking off a box on a list to be with you and to do the things right. I wish I could describe the feeling better. its like he's playing the role of being a good boyfriend but out of ego not out of genuine care. and I hate to accuse someone of that, but when he's doing the actual things I'm wondering where he is at.

[krs724490]

4.11.2024

running running running from the pain. the deepest pain I've known is the one I've inflicted upon myself. the low self esteem. the trying to prove that I'm worthy of being in this relationship. trying to prove I offer something to Graham. feeling lesser. treating myself lesser. the toll on my self esteem from the food. its exhausting. a list of things that make me more than worthy:

emotional maturity and holding space for people

resilience, bringing myself back

going to school for something that sets me on fire

following my heart this summer

matcha

fitness, loving movement

motivation, forward moving, where do I go from here?

being on a self healing journey

realizing its all a reflection of whats going on inside. my interpretation of our relationship is a direct result of the relationship I have with myself. I dont feel worthy of him because I can't see the ways I am worthy, truly so. my esteem is so low. on this path I continually wind up at my own doorstep. I must look myself in the eye and say, I love you. You are trying. You are doing the damn thing. I know this is the rate it goes. I am the moon waiting for the clouds to clear. I know that underneath it all there is a steady stream that leads me straight home. I will water my own soul and trust it to sprout endless fields of green.

I've also come so far. I've taken so so many steps to get here. and those cannot be forgotten. the person I thought I was, the evolution of trying and failing and banging my head against the wall. I had to try every wrong way in order to be redirected right. and I am still learning. evolution over time. I can see the progress. in the partner I've chosen. In the way I make my decisions and stand up for myself because I know that is the only way through. progress over time is bananas. I was in OA this time last year. wrong direction. wrong solution. finally the path is laid. and I get to wrestle with it. I get to love myself whole again. what a beautiful way to heal. what a beautiful opportunity I have to meet myself over and over and over again and choose love. choose beauty. choose to see the good. I love what the healing journey demands of me.

[krs724490]

[krs724490]

3.21.2024

I can't put my finger on it. it was an energetic thing. he made me feel that I have the problems to fix and although with his words he said he will work on it, it still seems he doesn't believe he can do wrong. it felt condescending. it didn't feel like he was with me in it, it felt like he was patting my head saying "there there, yes you will figure it out" but it didn't feel like he actually cared. I dont know. Its hard being a woman and feeling it all. because how can I prove that this is how he actually feels? with his words he said the right thing, but his energy was very unemotional. energetically he didn't feel with me. this is an inkling of something and I'm not sure its something to be

[krs724490]

3.18.2024

finding the words to tell you. only typing can keep up with the pace of the thoughts, the ideas, the possible words to tell you. I went to breathwork last night and my first few thoughts were of you. An odd way to frame it, but it came about when I pictured laying down to go to bed at night. When your head hits the pillow, what do you want to feel like? When you lay down, do you feel satisfied, accomplished, whole, fulfilled? I know I'm not super open with you about the nitty gritty of my food stuff because I dont feel you need the full depth of it, its not really something you would ever be able to understand. I would say, while struggling with this eating thing, 9 times out of 10 for the past few years, my head would hit the pillow very ashamed, fearful, exhausted, uncomfortable, upset, frustrated. and during breathwork I pictured my head hitting the pillow and feeling fulfilled, content, whole. and I realized you were there laying next to me when my head hit the pillow. and we were lying in the same energy. you were going to bed equally feeling satisfied, like whatever you did that day you were living up to your full potential. and the reason why we were both able to lay in that fulfilled energy is because we were working to match one another. you are a good person and that makes me want to be a good person. I feel that when you go to bed at night you deserve to sleep next to someone who is equally grabbing life by the balls. so I guess I just want to express my gratitude. thank you for being amazing in the most genuine of ways because it touches a place in me that wants to feel equally confident. he deserves someone that lies next to him feeling like they are operating at a fulfilling level, maximizing their potential.

that's not to say that I'm not there. I am doing the best with the lessons and the opportunities I have in front of me now. but I am working through this whole process so that I can lie next to him feeling this way. being the partner I want to be for him. he inspires me to fight the fight. the one that is real in my world right now.

[krs724490]

3.12.2024

eat until the ice cream is level. just a few more chocolate chips and chunks of peanut butter. when I finish the visible ones, I will put the container back. shame. shame shame. and you thought you might lose weight? think again. this one little bought will cost ya 5 lbs. and if you do it again tomorrow?! shit. were in for it. watch your damn self. your boyfriend is perfect and wonderful and if you gain weight he will leave you. he will find someone more attractive. he will think that you are broken. pressure. pressure to figure it out. pressure to apply what you've learned.

lets be real, this ice cream incident all came from one anxious thought. the thought was I want an apple with peanut butter, but I dont need one. But I'm going to eat one while I read my book. I was distracted reading my book, so I couldn't take in the way the apple was fulfilling me. I couldnt assess how much peanut butter was going onto each slice. I was multitasking. and then I couldn't feel the emotional fulfillment of having had my snack. I wanted more, so I reached for the snack that would shoot straight for my bloodstream. the one with the quickest effect. there was so much progress today with giving myself grace to have the sweets I knew my body wanted and then having dinner calmly instead of plowing through my salad. I knew that was all I needed tonight and yet there was still 3 hours left of night to get through without eating. and thus another snack started to call to me on the 3rd hour. this is all to be expected, welcomed. where we stray is taking the book to eat the snack. Not the snack itself but the book to eat the snack not done mindfully. done in a tired state. it allowed old neuropathways to light up. that isn't me. I know my truth, that isn't me. I know when to eat ice cream and when not to. My body tells me. I can handle ice cream. I can keep sweets in the house. I'm no longer afraid. I knew it would take getting burned a few times, but I see how it is all coming together and its so beautiful. I can see myself eating these foods out of love. I felt it for the first time Sunday. Buying a container of ice cream and having a bowl of it out of love. pure and true. not overeating it. but just enjoying the fact that I can have it. I am learning and again tonight I learned there is a piece of my puzzle that is panicking about having ice cream in the house. I totally get that. Habibti we are learning. Love to you. No shame, only love. You will continue to learn, you will continue to heal. you are the sky, you are not the hovering clouds. you can feel the neurosis losing their grip. I love you so much. You're doing so well.

[krs724490]

3.8.2024

anger. frustration. suicidal thoughts. the shadow. my own personal demon kali. (who of course is actually a goddess)

the weight of the fat underneath her face. she can feel it. its like she has 3 chins. the extra fat around her middle abnormally protrudes. clearly not fitting in with the proportion of her body. her thighs touch when they dont look like they should. there is an extra layer there. stuff that she is holding onto. she is a total slob. she eats quickly and doesn't care if the crumbs fall every which way. her clothes are stained with sauce, peanut butter, oil, all the things she was trying to shove into her mouth but couldn't care to get all the way in. her car is a mess, full of crumbs. she lives in fear. she is weak. heavy. a size medium or large now instead of size small. her clothes fit her differently. some clothes she has burst the seams with her new size. her skin is breaking out. she is dehydrated. caffeine rotting her from the inside out. shooting her nervous system, yellowing her teeth. causing her to make horrible decisions. she runs to work it off. she goes to the gym out of fear of losing strength or tone. she disctracts herself with tiktok, instagram, even graham. to escape. to not have to sit in it. she reaches and reaches. she has fallen so far. she is so kind to others now because of it. she grants them every ounce of grace because she too, knows how hard it is to be human. she has a hard time granting that same grace to herself. she labels certain foods as bad or a failure. she labels herself as "broken right now, but soon to be better." but she knows somewhere there is a light. and this right here is another sign that points and says "look here!" more to learn.

I believe this lesson is about caffeine. staying up all night the one night and watching it domino effect into my week. meeting rayna and seeing that she is off of caffeine. speaking about it with graham. ive always known.

[krs724490]

2.24.2024

Dad,

I'm sorry about grandma. I wish we were able to spend more time with her to soak up more of her wisdom/joy/spirit. It seems as though she felt ready, like she had already soaked up everything this life had to offer her. She was funny and goofy, but also very tough and independent. I couldn't ask for a better grandma and figure to look up to. I'm lucky I got to sit with her and hear her story when I interviewed her in college. The way she came to the states and worked as hard as she did. What inspires me most is the amount of faith she had, I hope I have even half that amount of faith. and whenever I feel short on faith, I know Ill think of her. Its hard losing a grandma, but I can't imagine you losing your mother. Hang tough. I know you're at a transition point too and can start to redirect your life in a positive direction. I love you a lot!

Kelsey

[krs724490]

2/21/2024

it all comes to a head, it always does. the moment where it just tips a little too far in the negative direction to the point where you simply have to do something. and the key is to not take action out of rage, but to do it out of love. last week when I reached a point with my eating, I knew it was time, it was simply time. Its the same with graham and talking to him about texting. he brought it up last week but I dont think I was in the proper headspace to talk about it. I needed to get to precisely this point to say it in a way that makes sense. because the truth is, yes, this is a problem for me. and we need to talk about it. My gut reaction is to withdrawal love, to say fine well then I'm going to stop sending you messages. Its hard to send messages into the void and not hear back, to feel like you're talking to a brick wall. To not feel thought of, to be honest, it makes me feel forgotten. I think its helpful to dive into my past with texting. With Collin Siminski it was like every time I took a breath, I was telling him what I was going. When I say down for class, when I got up to leave. When I arrived home. He received a whole play by play of everything I was doing and it was a weird way of living in fear. I was away at school and I wanted to reassure him that everything I was doing involved him. Like I was including him in my life. and in a weird way it allowed him to monitor my actions and approve of what I was doing and I filtered what I told him to make it seem like I was an amazing girlfriend. I was so relieved when we broke up that I didn't have to constantly check in with him. it was like a huge weight off my shoulders that I didn't always have to be on my phone. so I know that feeling of hating to have to check in with someone. having to remember to reach for your phone etc. but then I was also with Tyler. and we did long distance for 8 months without blinking because our communication with our phones was so strong. he was sending me photos of his latte and fun articles and stupid voice memos really saying nothing. and we felt connected. and I know it doesn't come naturally to Graham. I dont want to force you to have to check in with me, I'm not your babysitter, but I'm not going to lie, I'm worried about me leaving. and you dont seem willing like I can tell you have this weird thing where you dont want to do it. so I'm just letting you know were going to have to find something that works. because right now it doesn't feel great to me. it doesn't feel great to talk to a brick wall. and I want to work with where you're at and I'm coming from a place of we can do this better. CAN I GET AN AMEN

[krs724490]

2.16.2024

a female in her rage. I feel depressed and I haven't been able to shake it. I'm not sure if its because my period is coming but I feel so sad. I've been keeping my cards close, going to the yoga class, doing the meditation, putting all of my energy into healing and sitting in the discomfort. I feel today I've done that well but there has been an underlying layer of discontent. I blamed graham for not asking me to sleep over. this is the first friday we haven't had a sleepover in awhile. the whole night I found myself wondering what he was doing and why I wasn't invited. in reality, I needed the night to myself. to attend the most lovely yoga class. to be held in the way ashley held me. to hear the words she spoke. all I could think in my head at the end of class was "HEALER! MEDICINE WOMAN!" because she absolutely was/is. and yet my hormones, my chemistry, my disposition is still sinking. I will throw my hands up and say ah tomorrow is brand new I'm so tired I must go.

[krs724490]

2.5.2024

there is a lot of anger inside. anger at graham for taking my independence. for not receiving me in the way I want to be received. for making me feel like a burden. for churning up my muck and making me look at it. for being human. for not being who I want him to be. anger at megan for the environment she's created at high ride. anger at gabe for feeding into all of it and fueling the negativity. angry at brenna for the snake-like way she slithers through it all. angry at katie for being angry. angry to have to teach all these classes. angry to have to save people's asses. angry at myself for not working harder. angry at myself for always analyzing. angry at myself for being angry. angry at myself for being confused. angry at myself for trying to run. angry for feeling stuck. angry for waking up in my shadow. angry for feeling my shadow whenever I'm alone. there is so much frustration. frustration that I still have this "problem." frustration that I seem to be caught in the narrative. frustration that I can't dig my way out. frustration because my body is screaming for a break. frustration because I can't seem to clear the muck.

when I went to breathwork tonight, that's what I expected to rise. all the anger, all the hurt and frustration. instead what happened was a sense that my first breath was oddly sweet. It felt like honey. [[[maybe I've been craving sugar because I am starved for love. for kindness toward myself. I feel so restless until I get food because I am caught in the questioning of it, the twitching the being unsure about what to do. love knows, love knows what to do. its a gentle call. If I am in the frequency of love, I am not putting myself on trial. Not pointing fingers at how to do it properly or what should be done.]]] I am sweet. I discovered. Underneath all of this hurt and anger and frustration is the most pure being. I could feel it. She was right there. I didn't have to dig hard. Within the first few breaths, she joined me. She said "you're doing it, we're doing it. I am right here. I have always been right here. I have been here all along, dont you see? Your greatest superpower has always been your intuition. Not taking the corporate job, breaking up with Brian, leaning into Graham. Underneath it all, I have always gotten you where you needed to go. I have always been right here." There was so much sweetness, the anger melted away. She reminded me this is not you. this is not you. this doesn't have to be you. You have always protected yourself, even from high ride, setting boundaries with your schedule etc. You are inherently good habibti, brilliantly sane." Somehow this energy started to oscillate through my spine, rippling up and through. Moving in waves - undeniably kundalini. I do not have this dragon up my spine for no reason. the universe planted it there years ago and now I see it all coming together. I feel like the energy also had a touch of sexuality to it. It felt empowering, strong. Unflinching. I sat tall in a seated meditation, a posture of confidence, suredness. I tapped into the energy of the girl coming through, the spiritual music really pulled her out. After, when I rolled into a fetal pose, I sat in a pile of orange and yellow. A pile of warmth. I could feel the way my own sweetness oozes like honey around me. I could feel the way I am actually sweet, so sweet. I knew it was my true nature and I could have laid in that little ball forever. A ball of my own love, warmth. There were still thoughts of fear that popped up, of course. Then I had the thought - Graham surprised me 1 million times over. I thought I knew how that would go. He continues to surprise me in the way he is still here and it is still working. Who am I to say how it will all go? Who am I to say what tomorrow will bring? How can I say the story will repeat itself? It might not. Life is odd. That is one thing I know for sure. So I will allow for the possibility. That the way my energy has dipped and twirled could twist me in a certain way tomorrow that fuels. WHO KNOWS. It doesn't serve me to sit and speculate, but I wanted to challenge the part of me who struggles on a day to day basis thinking habits are inevitable - remember Graham, remember how he proved you so entirely wrong? We do not know what life has in store so how dare we even try to tell the universe what we think will happen. Thank you for this amazing gift. breathwork is so transformative, so healing. to experience my inherent goodness within my body, on a somatic level is a deep privilege.

[krs724490]

2.5.2024

happy birthday hot stuff :) I was really enjoying the 11 days we had only being 2 years apart, but time stops for no one. You're aging quite beautifully.... like a fine ancient artifact ;) so fucking old! like unbelievably old!!! But I'm here for it :) It's your birth-day! One of my favorite days because we get to celebrate your existence (well ya know... the day you first existed) and I am very happy that you exist. sometimes it puzzles me that you exist because to me you are the exact right combination of so many things... splash of this, splash of that. and this combination feels rare and special and sometimes impossible? which altogether puzzles me. in the best way. in an exciting way! all 29 years of existence, everything that happened in the exact way it did, has produced the most amazing human. I wouldnt change an ounce of you. you are hilarious, smart, so handsome, grounded, aware, gentle but tough, outgoing but also has time to be quiet. I'm very happy that we landed on earth at the same time. and I'm very happy to celebrate you! I feel like every time I come home from a weekend with you I have a mini celebration, my cup feels full and its because of the way we mesh together. I truly feel like we vibrate on the same frequency. It's not something I can exactly pinpoint, its an invisible level of energy and I feel like we match each other. We always talk about how natural it feels and it does just feel that way, its simple and kind of undeniable to me. Like it just makes sense. It brings me peace and I'm so grateful. Grateful for you and your birth!! hehe. I know that your 29th year will be full of so much joy, I can feel it.

[krs724490]

1.5.2024

so much grace to the girl who wants alani so that she can feel optimistic. so she can feel brighter, happier.

so much grace to the girl who is coming off of sickness. when she needed to be in survival mode and there was no space to reach for the stars.

grace to the girl who loves a boy. and craves approval from him.

grace to the girl who wants to be seen, all parts of her.

grace to the girl who doesn't know how to show herself to the world. is unsure of how to speak in her authentic voice. who has yet to stand confidently in her uniqueness.

grace to the girl who does not know how she is doing. when rayna texts her asking, she can't tell if she's amazing or on the brink of collapse because it feels like both. and she's unsure why the emotion is so extreme.

grace to the girl who sits in an old story that is high ride. love to her for finding a more meaningful path. love to her for still trying her best to show up.

grace to the girl who hasn't moved fully and healthily, consistently in weeks.

grace to the girl who is trying so damn hard. too damn hard. to sort it all out and move forward, only to realize all the trying is equivalent to running on a hamster wheel that goes nowhere.

grace to the girl who wants it so badly, but hasn't tasted it consistently yet.

grace to the girl who isn't content with her body right now. I understand that sometimes it feels like a big ask to love a body that you mistreated. but I invite you to recognize that there is not a single thing that has happened that hasn't brought you closer to god.

grace to the girl who feels like she's on a psychotic break. who feels like her actions are erratic and emotional, possibly misunderstood to the average observer. finally I understand being bipolar or having a mood disorder. it all bubbles up and its hard to say where from.

grace to the girl who sits in the middle of so many transitions but has nothing concrete to take action on yet.

grace to the girl who wants to drink the elixir of life so badly. to bathe in its depths with reckless abandon, so much so that she makes rash decisions, speaks too soon, acts too soon. gets so excited that she makes herself sick. dont you see that its all energy? all positive, intense, beautiful energy coursing through you? it is not to be controlled, it is not to be tamed. let it move you. let it move through you. let it make you honest, open, bold. you can't afford not to be anymore.

I know you're scared, scared that you'll scare him off. with a bigger personality, with more confidence. I think I see a new shadow side emerging of saying heavy things casually, without thinking about how much they may impact others. I dont know where it came from, my tendency to share the depths of myself. I think its because I know that vulnerability builds bridges but I also know there is a difference between being vulnerable in order to get people to like you vs being vulnerable from a place of true sharing. I'm sad to admit I think most if not all of my times of vulnerability have come from the place of trying to create sympathy or connection. Maybe I sent the essay too soon, and didn't give enough of a trigger warning.

I suppose I'm an external processor, I need to bounce everything off of others all the time. Im exhausting my damn self. and poor graham gets to catch all of my neurotic tendencies. This weekend my prayer is to be slow to speak and eager to listen.

suddenly I'm so tired. I wish we had a big blanket at this studio. so I could put myself down.

I had hoped to finish my 2024 intention setting, but I worry I'm still not in a clear headed place to give it what it deserves. I can't wrap my head around all thats happened but I do think it would be helpful to say it in a voice note to rayna.

[krs724490]

12.14.2023

Rayna recap.

-In OCD recovery, they do exposure therapy. Instead of walking outside or trying to distract from the behavior, you sit in the anxiety. She said while youre doing it, wrap your arms around yourself and say I love you so much. I love you so much.

-I've heard that binge eating disorder comes from being understimulated. you're using the food to find a sensation. do you feel like your job is fulfilling to you? like your life holds deeper meaning?

list of things that are stimulating: APE, yoga, conversations with Toni, conversations with Rayna, self work, planning amazing yoga classes, learning more about yoga, being in training for something, evolving my style + self care practices

-lets have a ceremony that represents you forgiving yourself for all that's happened, putting the shame to rest... me realizing I do still hold shame for this behavior. I find it embarrassing and hard to admit to the average human. I'm curious to dive deeper into this. How can I bow to the behavior that kept me safe for so long?