#but i wanna try and get better at the social thing

[astroamorsworld]

Part of Fortune in the houses part 1

This is something a little different from what I usually post and I wanted to just try something new and also go down the route of lots and asteroids eventually. So, with that being said, I hope you enjoy!

What is Part of Fortune?

The part of fortune, also called the Lot of Fortune or Pars Fortuna, is a calculated point on your birth chart that reflects areas where you might find luck and success.

Part of Fortune in the 1st house

Having your Part of Fortune in the 1st house is a pretty lucky placement to have imo. You may be a naturally lucky person, and are just always in good mood, stemming from having a lot of confidence within yourself and high self esteem. These traits, on top of being naturally lucky, will attract even more good luck and opportunities your way, so you’re most definitely blessed with this placement. This placement may indicate that you have a lot of determination and willpower when it comes to getting things done, so you’re definitely a hard worker too. Your personality shines through in your everyday life so in work fields that rely on you having a vibrant personality would really work best for natives with this placement. If you want to really get the most out of this placement, i’d say you need to take initiative and persue your dreams!! If you put yourself out there you will get what you want!! (As someone with this placement, I need really take my own advice🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️)

Part of Fortune in the 2nd house

With this placement you may too, have high esteem. You may also tend to attract or create material abundance. You might find that your talents and skills translate well into financial security and that you have a good eye for things of value or things that can become valuable. This placement could also give you the ability to thrive in careers that involve finances, like accounting, investing, or sales, could be particularly fortunate for you. Success can also find you in fields utilise your creativity and resourcefulness, like entrepreneurship, crafts, or the arts. So in terms of getting the most out of this placement, i’d say develop your talents and show people your worth. Dont let them take advantage of it though. Take risks and use what resources you have wisely.

Part of Fortune in the 3rd house

With this placement, it’s possible that you have lucky siblings, cousins and even neighbours, or when you’re around them you become luckier. You’re also likely to have good relationships them too. Your education experience may have been one to remember, as you may have had a good experience there. You may be naturally smart, and find it easy to retain information, so school may have been a breeze for you. School trips may have been fun and better for you than the average ones. You are probably a good communicator, and know how to communicate in a healthy way. So this could mean that you excel in public speaking, teaching and writing. Short trips may be good for you also. So if you wanna get the most out of this placement, USE YOUR VOICE and maintain the relationships (i mentioned before) with those around you.

Part of Fortune in the 4th house

With this placement, you’re likely to have a good relationship with your mother, and with your family. Just a good home life in general. You may be in tune with your family background and culture, and take a real interest in your roots. It’s also a possibility that you may have been born into some sort of wealth, whether its from your entire family, or on your mothers side or your dads side, the point being that someone you’re related to is likely to be wealthy. You are also probably in tune with your emotions and feelings and know how to manage them quite well. Most definitely emotionally mature. You may also be a bit of a homebody, since you may love your home so much. Interior design or gardening may be hobbies or careers you want to persue. You could also excel in social care, therapy, or childcare. Working from home is where you probably do your best work. So if you want to get the most out of this placement, invest in your home and nurture your relationship with your family. Get in touch with your roots!!

I would’ve done this all as one big post but i’ve had to split it into 3 parts because i’ve had issues with saving my work to drafts and don’t want to risk losing 1 big piece of work. But i will post part 2 and 3 in the coming days. :)

Check out my pinned post for more observations!💖

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Next part

#part of fortune #astro #astrology #astro posts #astrology community #astro community #astro notes #astrology notes #astro observations #astrology observations #astrology posts #astrology placements #astro placements #astrology readings #writers of tumblr

[fumifooms]

Laios Touden and autism; admiring the non-human

Do you think people exaggerate when they scream about Laios being autistic? Do you feel like it’s weird that so many people including autistics are so set on Laios, the problematic (but incredible and kind) king TM, being the most autistic that has ever autisticed? Why do we cheer on autistic people wanting to be monsters?? Isn’t that weird?

Well, of course it depends on the way it’s done, it can be done quite offensively, but long story short Kui blew it out of the park. The thing is, autistic people really do like monsters and animals and robots. Nonhuman does not mean subhuman, it just means Other. Feeling a connection with them has been shown to be an extremely common autistic experience for that very reason.

Because some people don’t understand why we autistic Tumblr Laios stans cheer “autism! Autism!” whenever he talks about monsters and feeling alienated to humans so! Here’s a post about how yes even research papers are analyzing the special connection we form with animals. I’m not even joking but Laios Touden & the mass cries of relatability with autistic people he gets and all the love for him could be used as study material and evidence for future papers because the link is that strong. Oh also I think it’s notable that being autistic and undiagnosed vs diagnosed makes a huge difference. In my experience as someone who was undiagnosed up until 18, it’s even more alienating to not know that there’s a reason why you’re different, being gaslit that you’re ‘normal’ and you just need to try harder and get with the program, etc. Personally when getting diagnosed I went through the 5 stages of grief because the thought of having been fundamentally different all your life (a difference which you will never be able to change) and mistreated for it when you weren’t “wrong” all along makes you unload all the anger and sadness and loneliness and sheer trauma you’ve built up over time. Like it’s world shattering.

So! Back to seeing dogs as family. Also I implore you to value experiential evidence when it comes to autism and other neurodivergences because brains are complicated and neurotypicals not being able to understand us well even with scientific research is like, a whole thing even though we’re right there speaking about how we feel and being right every time because the topic is literally us and how we experience the world. 

Disclaimer for this whole post that, of course, no group is a monolith and everyone has different experiences or can diverge from the norm of the group, and that doesn’t diminish the validity of either side! Like, I know autistic people who have trauma with dogs and hate them. But, trends do happen, and in this case... Autism is very “My experiences with humans make me feel dehumanized in a bad and lonely way so instead I’ll dehumanize myself in a good and inspiring way”.

“I was treated like a failed human my entire life and you’re surprised that my response was to become a dog.” -Patricia Taxxon

It’s literally well recorded that autistic people relate to animals more than humans globally. With this post, besides spreading autistic Laios truthism and explaining why the portrayal hits so deep for so many,  I want to show in what way this is a very specific experience and not looking at his character through an autistic lense really misses a lot of why he’s everything that he is. (Tacking allegedly onto here for legal reasons, different interpretations are valid etc etc /gen). This honestly isn’t super long though.

To define an important term, anthropomorphism in the studies and in this post means to attribute human traits to the nonhuman, which not only includes anthro furry designs but also animals irl, inanimate objects, and animated media as opposed to live action, to humanize them and empathize with them.

Paper: https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/aut.2019.0027 

“Dogs taught me how to hunt and socialize and work in groups”, Laios having internalized body language... So real so real. I, too, make a great dog impression. And I want to emphase the part that it helps greatly develop a sense of emotions and relationships! For Laios, he didn’t get along with kids his age, it was him, Falin and the dogs against the world. Since it’s a group of dogs too, it taught him group dynamics and social hierarchies (like with Falin being considered as being below the dogs in authority according to the dogs rip), and the importance of group coordination when hunting.

For me, I cannot like, concisely explain just how much animals were important to me developmentally. I also grew up with dogs, but like I vividly remember encounters with like hamsters as well just radically shaping my understanding of boundaries, the importance of giving something space and the way you interact with them and respect their side of it. Unlike humans they don’t really mask how they feel, it’s direct cause-effect reaction and data gathering. There are no words involved, so the focus on having a perfect phrasing and tone is gone, leaving just pure interactions. 

There’s also no reason to mask how you feel either, and you don’t have to feel silly over wanting to form a connection and it showing, what, is the dog gonna laugh at you because you obviously want to make friends with it? Toshiro or Kabru might, but dogs and cats will just tell you to fuck off and leave it there worst case scenario. I often say that I think one reason Marcille is special to Laios and he feels comfortable around her is because she emotes INTENSELY, she gestures, she puts her whole body into it, her facial expressions are pretty exaggerated and her ears even emote too- like with a dog’s ears!

I think there’s def also things to be said about how he gravitated towards Izutsumi at first, all excited, was eager to sleep in the same bed as her, but in the Izutsumi sleep rating chart we see they really just casual and chill so it’s not a Laios talking to Shuro deep into the night situation just a “I like sleeping besides animals” situation and that is enough to hype him up. I love how he pet her in the extra about why Chil let her sleep with him too. He’s just so transparently eager to befriend her, even if in the end they weren’t all that compatible and he accepted that.

There are honestly so many examples I could give for this. Like Grandin the famous cow lady.

More about autism & empathy:

https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/ (Also mentions a study in which groups of autistic, allistic then a mixed group played a game of telephone and both singular groups had similar levels of information retention, but the mixed group was significantly worse. As an autistic person yeah duh, obviously autistic people are different from one another and can have plenty of interpersonal issues, but communicating with other neurodivergent people feels pretty intuitive and straightforward and comfortable. One of the reasons why neurodivergent people tend to naturally gravitate towards each other I suppose.) 

^ Paper: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5932358/  For good, extensive summary of why we relate to animals so much you can go to the “anthromorphizing and asd” section of the paper. This paper extends to our widespread liking of cartoons and robots as well. Ok so this is a whole thing I won’t get into here but this is a big reason why a lot of autistic people are agender leaning as well. Genders and queerness in general is a lot about social constructs, and being queer is being marginal to these, not fitting into boxes or challenging those social norms and conventions. Queerplatonic relationships are a great example of this, where the framework of the relationship is platonic but the intangible nature of what it is exactly is the point, not familial not anything but everything at once too, just adoration, I like to say having pets is a bit like it as well, bc obvi it’s not romantic and often not fully familial, very platonic but also sooo much cuddling and adoration and kissing and whatnot that you wouldn’t typically do with a friend or family member. I’ll talk about qpr and labels another day though.

I got carried away but queerness in Dunmeshi is something I 100% want to make a big post on one day. Experiencing the world with different guidelines and not registering things to have the same boxes, sigh. Personally I also relate to Laios on a gender level, “cis by default because I don’t care all that much but if I were to dig deeper I’m probably otherkin and I want to be socially associated with traits of monsters and animalistic rather than man/woman” sighh hard to be a cryptid in this day and age. I wish we had a term like furry but for monsters, I want to be in the fantasy or folk tale genre ty, like changelings. Goshh changelings... You know, the irl myth where people said their neurodivergent kids were fairies’ children instead of human. Diminished physical sense of self means I see myself as some unknowable black  void aesthetic wise, but like in a way that simultaneously makes me feel seen. Like becoming a monster, losing your sense of self but also somehow just being simplified and seen for what you are, it’s weird to try and explain. This post is more about relating to the nonhuman than about seeing yourself as such, but like connect the dots right, that IS an important point of Laios’ character. It’s because our brains literally work different than allistics which makes us feel as other, but also because of social ostracization and functioning in a different way than society at large, living in the margin of society, being weird and non-conforming.

Meanwhile, animals and social norms... Like ok, showing your neck and rolling on the ground to show that you’re friendly and harmless and play biting might not be proper. But have you considered that it’s also fun and feels very intuitive. Play with a dog in the dog’s way I promise it is so nice and freeing. Play tug of war and growl back when they growl. Hiss at your cat to tell them they do something wrong, engage with them on their level.

Autism made social life hard, but it made animals easy. Do you have anyyy idea how good it feels to mask all day every day and feel constantly misunderstood or like you’re doing a performance but then you can just, drop all of that in the company of animals and they understand you. They understand you. You form an understanding and rapport so easily.

And this whole thing with Laios is so explicit too, with the Winged Lion saying “You’re sick and tired of the human world”. Notice the choice of words. Sick and tired of the human world. Exhausted from the constraints, sick of the mind games. It really isn’t as much about loving monsters as it is about loving the nonhuman. Relating to them because you feel that you can actually understand how they work and think, and feeling like they could understand you back as well. Animals are safe.

Like I could go on about how Laios admiring even just demi-humans like orcs is because they’re socially seen as non-humans more than any true physical thing, that they’re not bound by human society and its rules and live with their own lifestyle. But it would deal myself 1000 points of psychic damage and I am not ready to cry today. It’s idealization 100%, and like, Laios DOES want to be treated as human, to be valued, but it feels like an unreachable thing meanwhile becoming a monster is instant gratification and freedom and a sense that now no one will be able to hurt you in a way that reaches you, never again shall you be defenseless, and then if people dehumanize you then that only strengthens your sense of identity as a monster and UGHH ugh ugh.

And like. This post is a mess at this point but if you want to kinda delve into the more “why” then I recommend this Patricia Taxxon video essay. It starts out on a very different topic, but it’s all about autism and finding comfort in the inhuman. Long story short is othering made us like this also animals are just simpler to intuitively get along with.

So when I post this

I mean it. I really mean it when I say he’s me. I have never felt so seen. So many conflicting emotions all wrapped so concisely yet so intangibly woven into the whole storyline so subtly. 

Not being depicted as a monster of an human being for feeling/having felt that way?? The manga understands you. The world can understand you. Other humans can understand you. You can bond with them. You can. And I think that’s a big part of Dungeon Meshi too- Laios opening up to others about how he really is and his interests, and all the bumps on the way but how it was the only way to truly get to know each other and bond. With the climax being Laios confronting head on his complex with monsters and humans, and his monster-loving side and animalistic side being exactly what saves the whole world, what saves humanity. Because Laios does value his friends, does think humanity has beautiful sides to it, he wants to help it thrive and eat and become more accepting, carving out a kingdom for misfits and demi-humans. At the end of it, transforming into a monster and being free is a daydream fantasy, and the reality of it is that Laios does belong in the world as he is, and does receive and give out love.

If you enjoyed this you’ll probably like some of my other Laios analysis!  Here’s an analysis of his succubus and what it says about his relationships with other humans. And here’s an analysis about his relationship with Shuro from his perspective.

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #laios touden #character analysis #i guess #dungeon meshi manga spoilers #spoilers #autistic laios touden #asd #autism representation #meta #draft so old it uses the old Tumblr post editor #it would be much better if i could put them side to side rip #i also wanna do an analysis trying to pin down his level of social awareness #i love that the monster story epic saga about misfits and your place in the world on an ecosystem level is just sooo autistic so perfect #this post has a weird structure but hopefully it can showcase some things and make ppl understand and others relate! I know we're out there #hiii therians how we feeling today. Brain chemistry is weird but ours is just wired different not broken #feeling self-conscious bc even with studies this is the equivalent of going 'trust me bro I get it' which usually doesn't go well with us #Humanity is beautiful <3333 Humans are social animals broski love yourself!!!

[gregmarriage]

i may know it’s healthy to interact with people and be social, but that doesn’t mean i find it easy in any way

#like i don’t actually mean to isolate myself i just get lost in doing my own thing #which isn’t bad in itself #but then i find myself feeling sad and idk why #bruh you haven’t spoken to your friends in quite a while #if i was a sim my social bar would be red #but i still don’t wanna talk to people sometimes #like i have to physically force myself just to say ‘hey! #everyone pray for gwen’s social life bc it sucks and isn’t really getting any better even tho i’m trying my hardest #i do wanna push myself more and talk to ppl i’ve always wanted to talk to #but my stupid brain won’t let me #i’m trying to push past it though #it would be nice to make new friends that i then neglect bc i’m bad at friendship #idk maybe that isn’t fair #but i still wouldn’t say i’m great at it #idk i just feel dumb for begging people to talk to me #or even just sending messages to new people #or even my friends who i know won’t judge me but still #idk i’m still sensitive after my episode and i just feel embarrassing and annoying and like i’m bugging people #and i believe them when they say i’m not but it doesn’t stop completely me from feeling that way #literally ‘hey’ feels like i just pissed on the floor in front of them #like god! way to be annoying gwen!! #yes i know it’s my brain talking but literally i use up so much energy trying not to feel it #and so much letting myself feel it #and i only have so much energy as it is #not that it matters #bc most ppl don’t care as long as i check in sometimes #but again i repeat my earlier statement #don’t wanna check in i feel cringe #need friends and communication but cannot maintain them #like the 100th post i’ve made but it’s what my thoughts are currently

[coridallasmultipass]

I'm still internally laughing about that goth Dirk post, so I dug up the pics from the time I did a goth Dirk Strider to an NYCstuck meetup in like 2014/15ish... and this first pic is sending me lmao... it's so cringe and perfect.

My caption on the selfie:

#i didnt wanna jack their post and put my shitty pics on it but yeah this was a thing that happened #it was fucking cold that day but i had a blast #also sorry i dont mean any offense by cropping people out #... i just dont know if they want their old pictures shared again so thats that on that #throwback tuesday #hEY ITS TUESDAY YOU FAT NASTY TRASH omg i finally remembered that on a tuesday #me #dirk cosplay #goth dirk #the reason i am good at gothifying cosplay is because i was a metalhead for the longest time and had all this goth shit #ppl dont get theres a difference between metalhead goth emo scene punk etc unless u live it like lol theyre adjacent but not the same #Cori.exe #Post.exe #Image.exe #popped collar #man i should try to rock the popped collar look again it really is rad there #nothing is better than roasting your past self. i like my roast well done. #homestuck #sorry dont mean to put it in the hs tag im just tagging it in case someone has it blocked #i miss going to these meetups man.... ppl were so nice to me even tho i was a quiet nerd who is bad at socializing

[strwbrymlkshake]

ohh I do want to pass away why am I so stupid

#mine #🎸 #why am i such a terrible person 😇 genuinely what the fuck #me when i want to cry and tear my skin off over a minor mistake ufhdshdjfjg can i stop being fucking stupid for once #crying over a mistake right NOW actually everything is so difficult i dont know what im supposed to do in these situations!!!!!!! #i get in trouble for not knowing what to do in social situations then i have to apologize and i didnt know THAT either. #bashing my head against the wall violence maiming killing death torture bloodletting slicing tearing defenestrating murdering annihilating #me anmd my epic autism powers. shouldnt i know better why csnt you understand!!! who is at fault here! i dont even know #ashshsjdksjfklsfke im wanna cry so hard everything sucks right now im too busy for this shit. for Emotions #why are you punishing me do you hate me?! did you never even like me at all are you trying to make me mad!!! why #im so tired and frustrated i want everything to go perfectly but its not nothing can be perfect in this terrible world he is going to hate #me now. hell why do i have urges like this it always ruins everything im being so selfish arent i aren't i arent i !!!!!!!! why cant we #be FUCKING compatible and perfect snd everything what is the problem am i the problem?!?? why cant you understsnd what im trying to tellyou #maybe it really would just be better if i died nothing good has happened or is going to happen to me since he probably hates me and #my life sucks!!!!! my face hurts from crying i cant cry properly it hurts it feels so hot why cant it end already!!!!!!! why cant #we be perfect like we are supposed to why cant you UNDERSTAND it seems easy to understand to ME whwueh i am mortified my throat hurts #my head hurts i hate this world why couldnt i resist why did i have to be vulnerable id be better off if. well i dont know #i do want to crush bones and flesh beneath my hands to be honest i dont KNOW i thought it was going well i thought it was good #the thread i am hanging on by is quite thin actually why do i care so much why do i care so little im going to explode right meow!!! #my mood is so ruined i dont know if im even used to this whole thing i cannot get in particular moods im so. rgrhrhggr none of this post #is going to make sense i just need to say words while crying then itll be fine probably #this is just another one of god's little tests i think that everyone will hate me no matter what in the end so i have to enjoy it while #it lasts. no matter how hard i try everything always ends up the same way. all this started because of my mistakes and itll end with them

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#some reflections on 2022 as a year bc im bored and tired mostly prob bc my hormones r fucked up #ill b real. it was not a great one. not the worst i guess. that award goes to 2016 when i was a junior in undergrad and i was spiraling #and i did kno y it was happening so it was scary. now at least i kno why mostly but i think ive experienced the most soul rattling cosmic #despair in this year just bc i pushed and pushed to the point of destruction and i mean i have a history of doing that but i never wanted #to like quit before like as in fucking quit my job and just fucking break things. its weird. and ive got that panic feeling now #its the same one i get when ive been in therapy for a while and nothings helping. and i keep thinking: help me help me someone make this #stop bc i dont want to b like this anymore and i dont kno what to do. bc i was hoping a break would heal me and that would b enough but #the fears been creaping in the past few days bc deadlines and projects snd i havent done anything i need to and i still just want to give #up. ugh. im probably just feeling melodramatic bc i overextended socially yesterday. but idk what to do. hope for a better year i guess #at least i kno i wont b living where i am in 8 to 10 months. so change is coming but things r still up in the air #and i mean 2023 wont b off to a great start bc i have to go to lunch with my grandparents and i dont want to #why? bc i think theyre bad ppl. and itll just b me. and i dont kno for how long ill b there. #my last day home and i have to spend time with them. i shoulf b working on a manuscript. i should b doing that now #but instead im laying here trying not to cry. i just wanna go to sleep. less than 48hrs and ill b back to the desert #feeling a little better maybe but idk all is not well #so yea hopefully 2023 will b a bit better #unrelated

[sensitivedead]

:--)

#VENT IN TAGS #OH i love doing this #my feelings about my depression atm feel so weeird #im just mad #like its so annoying to have to keep picking myself back up lol #i wish i could just function and regulate myself better? im really bad at it #its like #i can do all this shit that helps me get out of all of the different this affect me #but its so easy for me to get lost in the depression and to not do that #like i forget that when im like literally just confused with my emotions and in a fog and i dont want to do things im interested in #and not able to fight this boredom i call it ive been out of therapy a long time idk therapy speak anymore but this lack of socal wtv #thing idk ANYWAYS but i KNOW things i can do to help myself to get out of that #i havent been lately and idk #im in a moment of clarity but trying to get back into #a routine since moving out i havent had one or the one ive had is like not good for me leading me to a bad state of self #i need to get back on vitamins and shit i might take gaba and htp 5 again and i know im deficient in like vitamin #b12 and vitamin d and magnesium but since i moved i havent reupped my supply lmao and its been over a year!! RIP i did this but #i dont have a great social life? i have strong family and a loving bf and close friend but a lot of its complicated and i struggle #communicating online (LOL THIS SUCKS NO? I CAN WORK ON IT IG BUT LIKEAAAA--) and i basically only wanna talk to people IRL but im home #constantly so i just have no one to talk to but im like a fucking old person annoyed that they live in a digital world #like I HATE THIS GRR THESE KIDS and the these kids are my parents and friends and shit like its completely a me issue but my brain is like #my brain feels useless s #my brain feels useless and like im unmedicated but also not on the suppliments i should be on and also doing things like #being up to date on news and specifically negative news and like focusing a lot of my energy on that for some gd reason like im aware ive #been into that but i am like #this is me being like ok rose im ready to go back to myself again #ye

[the-tired-commander]

Shaking like the world's most pathetic and wet creature because I want to do something simple

#i am trying to get over my thing of waiting for other people to talk to me but OUGH #how do i even ask people if they wanna play games or hang out in a vc with me #i gotta get better at this cause it'll make me happy in the long run #i can initiate one on one conversations with like 2 people #i would like that to be a much higher number by the end of the year #send me your most powerful energies i am going to try my best to be social

[sanderscat]

idk what it is but i find character ai extremely off-putting, i just can't put my finger on why

#character.ai #is it unethical scraping of fanworks #is it feeding into our generation's isolation and loneliness due to social media #or how addictive it is the same way socmed predatory algorithms are #not to mention the uncanny feeling i get when reading the text it produces #and all the weird ooc things that bots throw at you sometimes #like fetishes and stuff #just yikes #“but don't you wanna try it?” no thank you I'll just stick to my imagination #or better yet I'm gonna go through my fave ao3 tags for hours #or maybe even days #until i find a fic that completely blows my mind and that i will remember for the rest of my life #sorry this got long #sanderscat txt

[nopeferatu]

i always feel so alienated when i see ppl talk abt the overrepresentation of tragedies within queer media and stuff bc while i do understand where ppl are coming from, i just enjoy consuming sad media in general lol so i cant truly relate to the frustration of not getting to see happy things.

and this isnt even me being critical of that argument bc i 100000% understand where it comes from, i 1000000% think its valid, studies have shown that queer people need positive representation to not feel so hopeless for their futures and stuff so like. i get it. i just like sad shit man! and i dont think we should stop having popular sad gay narratives altogether just bc of oversaturation.

i think its a hard convo to have bc we realize how rare the opportunity for mainstream gay media comes about and so i get that people don't want the "uber mainstream gay media" that happens twice a decade to be a tragic sad fest like they all are but i think maybe the answer is. we either need to change hollywood which is basically impossible OR we just like, stop looking to big hollywood studios for representation and start giving our money to independent studios who are making a lot of stories w queer ppl at the helm and stuff. because if we have a lot of different shows and films that involve queer people, then it wont matter if some of them are tragedies, and maybe then we can finally stop throwing groundbreaking queer media of our past under the bus and/or advocating for the death of queer tragedies when there are very much queers out there who love tragedies <- like me.

#the brokeback brainworms led me down some rabbitholes and im like grrrrrrr #me on the outside: youre allowed not to like the media i love bc we all have different tastes #me on the inside: *killing u with my mind* #i also just think the crit can be a little insensitive to the people who do see themselves represented by queer tragedies #like you guys do not know the depth of how much brokeback mountain affected ppl. like you probably have an idea but it runs fucking DEEP #and also i think that seeing young generations shit on queer tragedies of the past is kind of like a man yells at brick wall sit bc #the media already exists and you cant change it and they came out at times that were very different in terms of social acceptance of gays #so like idk. also in general im just a big advocate for trying to meet a piece of media halfway and judge its success based on what it was #trying to do within the context it was created in and like this goes for all movies not just gay movies and i think taking that approach #can make ppl better critics #but also i mean youre allowed to just not wanna get involved w sad media. esp sad gay media. i know a lot of ppl who are rly sensitive to #sad shit and thats totally fine. theres just ppl out there who are sensitive to sad shit in the opposite way in that we love it and it #consumes us and drives us to make changes in our lives for the better and so i would hate to see sad gays go away #in the end the true villain was the hayes code all along #like if they didnt make it a mandatory thing that gay people needed to fucking die in order to be represented at all we wouldnt #be having these conversations and youd let me fuck off to my mountain to get my back broken in a really sad way

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

:[

#ELIZA STOP LYING TO AND MANIPULATING PEOPLE PLZZZZZZ #EVEN WHEN THEY'RE BAD PEOPLE #EVEN WHEN YOU REALLY REALLY NEED TO FIND OUT IMPORTANT INFO TO STOP BAD THINGS TM FROM HAPPENING #JUST. FIND BETTER WAYS TO DO YOUR DETECTIVE-ING. #listen I //understand// why she does it #and I know it's supposed to make her a ~sharp and sly investigator~ #but it *bothers* me how much she uses people and their ambitions against them with apparently no remorse #if she has judged you a Bad Person than she has absolutely no qualms with lying to manipulating and possibly doing very real damage to #your social standing and reputation #and I UNDERSTAND that She doesn't think reputation and social standing mean much. and she doesn't care two figs about anyone's #attempts to get in good with those of higher social rank. #and yet....... she is constantly trying to improve the reputation of her detective agency and achieve more equal social standing with #male detectives #so WHY is THAT different??? and why doesn't the story ever really allow her to suffer the consequences of using people like this??? #ramblings #not putting this one in the tag bc I don't wanna attract people coming to argue with me lol #and I'm not trying to be a hater :') #I just wish this show had better writing. bc it could be so much more interesting and compelling if it did. #tag ramble

[berrymeter]

doing my yearly instagram story add is always rough bc all my friends from high school & shit are like, doing shit with life, & i’m just sitting here in my room being unable to get up more than five times on most days & look i’ve mostly accepted that next to them i look like a failure but also hhh dear god lmao,

#perth.txt #one of them is in fucking brooklyn... how much did it cost to even get there... #here i am thinking about how i'm gonna have to sit out on so many meals if i want an actual computer #if i wanna be able to actually do things with a computer to try & maybe earn more money #head in hands. i really should just try & seek out a better doctor but itll cost money. #& if the doctor i see isnt good ill have spent money for nothing. #god i fucking hate that new law irt medical shit... doc appts used to always be covered by social security!! #aside from when the doc comes to your house i think #but everything else gp related was covered!! now it's not anymore!! #at least if i understood it right it's just not! #& another new law makes it so online appts you HAVE to pay for #bc you need two professionals on call with you to ensure you're not asking for excessive sick days #it's fucking ableist bullshit & i hate macron so much i hope he fucking dies

[be-good-to-bugs]

maybe i am cool and fun to be around. i feel like people dont like me but ive hardly been around anyone in so long so i have no proof of that.

#the bin #there have been some people who seemed to wanna be friends. i wish it couldve happened. #there was one of my sisters old coworkers who said they wanted to be friends. i really wanted to get to know them and hangout but i didnt #have tbeir contact info and my sister kept randomly having falling outs with them bc shes the worst #they stopped wanting to be around my sister. apparently they still wanted to be my friend but i never got her contact info #she seemed so cool. she showed me her los and monster high collection one of the few times we hung out. i wish we coulda watched #barbie movies together or smth. but no. #how do you meet people? where do you meet people who like the some kinda stuff you do? is it all just luck based? #ive been thinking music shows might be a good idea to try n meet people. that seems to be where a lot of people meet their cool alt friends #i wish i wasnt so lost on how social stuff works. others seem to just make friends wherever. but whenever i talk to people it ends quickly #how do you turn an acquaintance into a friend? some people will meet somone once in a circumstance where theyd never run into them again #and theyll become friends. how do they do that? i know its not luck. how do people have conversations in ways that lead to that? #how do you even learn you have these common interests or that you just like their personality? i hardly know what to talk about that isnt #immediately relevant. i do pretty well socially in work settings bc i can make some casual conversation but its all pretty enpty #i feel so awful every second of the day. nothing distracts me from it. i just wanna talk to someone. watch a show with someone #hold soneones hand. not be alone all the time. #i miss telling jokes. its like such a big part of me and how i interact with people. i have bareky gotten to joke around with anyone in #months. i think that especially is crushing me honestly #i just. i feel SO BAD. every day feels so long and horrible. its only one more month and then things will change at least somewhat but #everyday is so hard to get through. every hour feels like forever. i hate it. i can do anything to feel better #i feel empty of everything besides horrible feelings

[afternines]

I HAVE TO LAUGH I HAVE TO LAAUGGGGFHFH

#when i dropped out of school and started working somehow everything started being easier #my social anxiety got soooo much better . my depression got so much better and i wasnt stressed at any giving time and i thought #that maybe all my mental health problems were just a direct consequence of me being undiagnosed nd in an environment that expected too much #from me without offering accommodations for me to reach those goal #like work is still tiring and overstimulating at times but theres no deadlines!!! i dont have to bend n break my back to get certain tasks #done!!!!! like i have a package of tasks i just loop through and i can plan in my own days and weeks and decide what i will be doing when #and how and theres no wrong or right system of doing things as long as the result is just what my boss wishes for and im AUGDHDGFH im so #lucky to be here #To get back to the point im trying to make tho. #as i left an environment that just wasnt good for me and entered another environment that somehow did wonders to my mental health i rlly #thought i would find peace from now on. Like id still get upset and sad or whatever like non mentally ill people do too #but it wouldnt be to an extent anymore where i wanna hurt myself or disappear forever #and for a bit more than a year everything was good!!!!! started to think i made up all my mental problems tbh #but lately things have been so tuff . i havent been this depressed in years #and like i can still physically do things . i can still go to work and clean my room and take showers and whatnot #but im so exhausted. and i keep crying all the time and i feel like everyone hates me for being so . depressed and i cannot physically do #the one thing i love doing (drawing) like nothing i try comes out good enough which just makes me cry again lol #and i dont . i dont understand it #bc i removed all (most?) of the factors that were making me this mentally nauseous and i was supposed to feel better . i was supposed to fee #good now. but i feel like im back at uni sitting on my bed crying over my notebooks trying to cram all the paragraphs into my head not #understanding why i cant remember anything for my classes . why its easy for everyone but me #everything always seems easy for everyone but me #i really dont understand #is this really a part of me . will i really always be this miserable and insecure? will i always hate myself and not feel enough? #im still the same person i was before i just wear different clothes #my body grows but i just dont grow up

[hellfire--hearts]

idk how I should say "this was supposed to be me, I was supposed to be a beacon of joy for my friends, and I was supposed to have so many people I love that love me too, and I was supposed to actually bring people joy and lots of it, but then i came out of of my birthgiver autistic and proceeded to have every ounce of sunshine and any sort of social competence beaten from me by my own parents, my peers, and whoever thought they couldnt possibly continue life without molesting a 3 year old" without crying but

#and im just. too socially disabled. I hurt people because I dont understand them. theres only a 25% chance I make things better when im #trying to help cheer someone up. the other 75% I dont make a fucking difference or I get too empathetic and upset and snappy or I dont make #a difference at all and I just. im so scared of everyone #and the thing is I KNOW I have a 20% more chance of fucking up a social interaction compared to everyone.elae #I AM SO FUCKING AWARE OF MY SHORTCOMINGS I REALLY DO WISH I WAS IGNORANT BUT ITS HARD TO BE AFTER THE 15TH FRIEND THAT JUST FUCKING BLOCKS #YOU LMAO #I wanna be good. I dont wanna keep hurting my friends. but I dont know how to I dont know ive tried ive been trying for ten fucking years #I have been trying to be a pinkie pie for 10 fucking years. over a third of my fucking life bc I want to be that for people #cant stop watching the video. I wanna cry. I cant #Youtube

[bambiesfics]

𝗪𝗮𝗿𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗘𝗹𝘀’ 𝗖𝗼𝗰𝗸 — Ellie x Bimbo!reader

𝜗𝜚 Author’s notes ✦ Butch/femme dynamics, Ellie’s butch, wears a strap. Refers to it as cock, dick etc. Reader’s a bimbo. Just a filthy, filthy description of how you have to cockwarm your butch girlfriend, Ellie. Slight aftercare at the end too for you, considering how much she just stretched your tiny hole.

𝜗𝜚 If you find yourself uncomfortable with the themes in this fic, maybe try educating yourself on Butch sexuality. This heartfelt post may give you a sense of Ellie’s headspace. And this

!!! [ Please help Palestine ] !!!

kisses u. ⋆ 𝜗𝜚 ˚⟡.

You were restless and lonely. Ellie had spent the better part of the afternoon preoccupied with the LED modules shuffled in her laptop, attempting to receive her ServSafe certificate. The online test had been eating up all her time, and Ellie sometimes chastised you for being overly needy n’ pouty when she had her hands full with things to do. So you tried to not add to her plate by pressing for attention, or conversation today. No matter how much you wanted to chit-chat with her. You wanted to be good more than anything.

No one saw you and Ellie as a compatible match, if it wasn’t already made visually obvious, it was definitely made obvious the second you popped your pink lips open to speak, while the brunette butch brooded behind you. This was a chance to shush all those insecurities that crept over you and told you that Ellie could be with a smarter, more capable, more self-reliant girl. You wanted to be a good fit for her. So you distracted yourself by jumping through social media apps, flipping through old cosmo magazines, and touching up the corner of your acrylic toe set with some white polish you kept carefully placed in her desk. But none of that worked. You were bored with everything you’d tried. Worse, your girlfriend had been looking so handsome in her loose plaid button up and dad jeans, as she slumped in her kitchen stool. It was getting so hard to remain detached and unaffected by the pristine silence in the house when you would pass by to check up on her.

Every so often Ellie’s pretty face would cutely scrunch up whenever she was puzzled by a question, which made for very testing times. But not as testing as when Ellie did that thing where she yanked at and ruffled her scruffy wolf cut, when she was in deep concentration. It was the cutest little boyish tic. You had nearly broken your own resolve to go run to her arms and litter her cheeks in glossy kisses. Which all made it so hard to have her near, as handsome as she was, and have her not even look up at you once. Not even allowed to step in her embrace, held by her toned arms, her sweet cologne and that woodsy scented jacket.

You were moping, and that moping turned into whining, and whining turned into annoyed flashes from Ellie’s eyes every time you got too squeaky. Those flashes turned into scowls, and that led to Ellie groaning at you.

“Can I help you with something?”

Ellie’s face was unamused, and it made you straighten your spine.

“N-no.”

“Great. Thanks.” She replied, her voice was just dripping in sarcasm. But that little flash of attention you had received filled your tummy with happy butterflies, until it went right back to her laptop.

You felt a twinge in your chest at how quickly she tuned you out. Did she not wanna talk to you at all? Ask about your day? Wanna know about the influencer gossip you found online? None of it?

“Meanie” you pouted while nudging your chin into your palm and clacking your acrylics on the granite. She didn’t have to say it so mean, she was usually sweeter n’ sillier. But today Ellie was a big meanie.

Ellie huffed and held back a massive eye roll. She stuck her head deeper into her laptop, she had to pretend you weren’t there. This test was important to her. You were too, but this seriously mattered more. Ellie needed more money. She needed to find a better apartment to rent, she needed to be able to support you the way she wanted too, and she needed a position with better hours so she could visit Joel's grave more regularly. You knew all that, so Ellie knew your whining wasn’t from ignorance, it was from childishness. She hated indulging you when you were childish. It was bad manners.

But she also knew if this went on long enough you might start silently crying in your pillow because you felt like your girlfriend hated you. You were clearly feeling neglected by Ellie, and coupled with her little sarcastic quip just a moment ago, Ellie wouldn’t put it past you to start sniffling within the next few hours. You were so pathetic. Ellie often joked that if you weren’t human you would’ve been the little runt abandoned by your pack for being so weak and whiny. And Ellie would’ve been a large reptile; a komodo dragon, who felt bad enough that instead of eating your tiny ass she would’ve raised you. Ellie had a weird little obsession with pliocene history, and because you were dumb, with a brain full of makeup and miniskirts, it went over your head 99% of the time. But Ellie knew you well, and she knew that more than outright being ignored, you hated the feeling that you made Els upset with you. It was your little runt nature, to always seek the validation of the large cold-blooded reptile in charge of your care that could still decide to eat you if you pissed her off enough. This relationship was almost ironically engineered.

Ellie understood you way too well.

Ellie tugged at her hair, because GOD you were such a piece of work. An adorable one, but still, a piece of fucking work!

“Okay.” Ellie breathed out. She ran her palms down her jeans, and spread her thighs farther apart. When Ellie manspread like that, you knew what it meant. But you still wanted her to say it. “Come here baby, come take a seat on me.”

“You sure?” you said hesitantly. Your gaze nervously flickered between her lap and floor.

“Need my baby girl right here,” Ellie said. She cocked her eyebrow and grabbed her bulge tightly. Enticing you.

Your eyes flew open. Your mouth opened and closed repeatedly, like a gaping fish. You wanted Ellie’s attention, maybe to perch on her lap while she worked, but that movement meant something else entirely.

Ellie continued on, enjoying the surprise on your face a little too much. “Since you can’t sit still, come sit on this.” Ellie pulled her zipper down slowly, and shoved her fist in the opening; to fish out her hard cock out of her boxers, and rest it on her thigh. You gulped.

Your eyes fluttered between looking at Ellie's long shaft, and at her face. You could tell from her expression that she wasn’t bluffing. She looked very amused, and very curious as to what you’d do next. “W-what about your test?” You quipped. She lifted the base of her cock, “don’t worry about that, just come take a quick seat on this until you feel better.” You went to her lap, and nervously kept looking back at the cock she expected you to sink onto as you backed up on Ellie’s thighs. Ellie whispered “Why are you nervous princess? You’ve taken this before.”

Which made your hole flutter from the teasing smugness in her voice.

You had taken Ellie’s cock before. But after some prep, after lots of kisses from her, and after your slick was coating your engorged pussy lips from intense arousal. Not by just sitting on it while she was busy attacking a server’s exam.

Your eyes were glossy, Ellie found them so sparkly. You bunched your babydoll camisole higher up your tummy, and spread your ass cheeks. It was a good thing you loved prancing around Ellie’s apartment with no panties, it made spontaneous poundings so much easier. You lined up your hole with Ellie’s cockhead. “Good, now just sink down.” She fisted the base of her dick towards your vagina to help you. You slowly sunk onto her cock, taking it inch by inch. “Nhng, Ellie! feels too big, too big!” You clamped up as another inch forcefully popped through that tight little entrance. Ellie shushed you softly, rubbing circles in your back as she fed you her cock, until she was buried only a few inches deep. You couldn’t take her all the way down, and somehow you were so full. It felt like Ellie’s cock was pressing deep into your tummy. You had to hold back from whining to her about how her cock was definitely in your stomach, probably poking around in there. She’d shushed you for that silly idea once before and teased you for being so airheaded. Not like Ellie had expected you to have any better than a ditzy girl's understanding of anatomy anyway.

But as you felt her cock stretch you open, it was starting to feel like that again, like her cock was in your womb. It felt like Ellie was taking up all the space inside of you. She stretched your plump walls around her like you were her fleshlight. A fleshlight that was stretched to mold around every vein and ridge in Ellie’s cock.

You flexed your ass cheeks, and clamped your cunt around her cock, you tested for how much give you had to bounce up and down. But you gave up almost as soon as you tried lifting off the first time. The base of her cock was just too thick. Ellie felt stuck inside you. Like a wedding band wrapped around a chubby finger. You whimpered at the way her cockhead bumped all those squishy places inside your cunt. Ellie reassured you “Shhh don’t worry about bouncing baby, I’m nearly splitting you open. Just stay right here and get used to this angle.” Ellie turned her gaze back towards her laptop, and picked up from the last module she left off at.

Meanwhile your lower lip was trembling because your girlfriend's cock was resting inside your vagina, it was poking your cervix and rubbing along your walls in ways that made your tummy feel funny. The soreness was starting to subside but the fullness didn’t, and you wanted to move around a little bit. “E-Ellie i-it’s hard to move. No room,” you pouted over your shoulder.

“You don’t have to move, baby. You’re in timeout. Just sit and get my cock nice n’ warm.” Ellie turned her gaze back to her laptop as her other fingers drew slow circles in your lower back. It was such a brazenly lazy attempt at support, but Ellie’s main goal was to distract you — not make you feel pampered.

But you’d get that after anyway.

You tried grinding her cock in you, just to put the pressure of her cockhead in other places and not directly kissing the roof of your cunt. Ellie’s eyes flickered to where you two were connected and she thumbed the sensitive skin there. Which made you pull off slightly, you mewled at the sensitization you felt from her ministrations. Your hole was throbbing everywhere.

Ellie moaned at the sight, “you’re stretched so thin here, how did I fit inside you?”

You kept up with your poor attempts to grind n’ gyrate, so Ellie’s gaze traveled up towards your hips. She palmed your squishy ass; then skirted her fingers over your asshole. Ellie sunk her thumb into your asshole, just stopping at the first knuckle where her metal ring rested and whispered in your back. “I told you to stay baby.”

“Ellie no! Don’t touch over there!” You cried from embarrassment, you got so hot when she did that.

She smiled into your back “Why you shy cause I’m thumbing you right here? After your tiny cunt just swallowed my entire length? Please” Ellie smiled into your back.

Ellie’s attention kept jumping between completing her modules and questions and groping some sensitive part of your body. She’d mutter “You’re so tiny, wish you could see how much you’re stretched around me, plugged you up good.” Just to watch the hairs on your nape rise and watch how your hole contracted around her length from her words. Ellie rolled her narrow hips in circular motions, letting you get some little relief from the fat cock bullying your hole, by giving you some friction. The friction felt amazing on her clit too, rubbing along the puffy nub in a way that made heat pool in her belly.

Soon enough Ellie was biting back her own horny grunts, pressure building in her own cunt from the press of the harness. She kept up a slow circular grind to make her little baby feel good, and not feel so stretched out. But Ellie really considered chasing a silent orgasm for herself, it felt delicious to be in you.

You were dizzy with sensations, cock bumping your spongy g-spot just right. Your neglected clit was angry and red, but you were drunk on Ellie’s grinding. You were slurring all whiny “love your fat cock s’much Ellie. S’much ahh, love your coo-ock ahnnng.” Ellie’s hands came up to grope and squeeze your fatty tits. Because FUCK YOU for nearly making her bust after saying that. She kept grinding until your sloppy hole was doing butterflies on her cock. Slick dripping past the seal where you were wrapped around her shaft. Your hole was squeezing and releasing, over and over again as your orgasm tipped you over the edge and your toes turned pointed straight. The bottom of your fingers and palms had turned pink and red from how tight your fist was.

Ellie slowed down the grinding, she was happy enough you got your orgasm. The grinding felt nice on her clit, but she was more grateful at the fact that you might get sleepy and tap out. And she’d actually get some work done for once.

Ellie pulled you off her cock, and onto her lap. She smoothed a hand down your back as you winced when she pulled out. Your cum dribbled out of your weeping little pussy, globs of stringy cum seeped into Ellie’s pants after being plugged up by her cock. It was a mess you frequently made on Ellie after sex. It was evidence of a job well done; and a satiated princess.

You sniffled as you turned in Ellie’s embrace. “You sleepy?” Ellie asked

“Mhmmm” you moaned in her shoulder.

“I got you, you little princess. C’mon hold onto my shirt” Ellie guided your trembling hand to the collar of her button up and shushed you with sweet words about how “well you took her.” Ellie rocked you softly as she went back to her test, by the time you’d knocked out she’d completed a good chunk of her modules. She rocked you until your sniffles had quieted and you were fast asleep on her lap. She tucked her cock haphazardly into her boxers. You could sink onto it again after you woke up from your short nap.

Ellie spanked your ass, and felt the recoil jiggle against her palm. She shushed you again as you stirred from the assault. She whispered “I deserve a little treat after dealing with this bratty ass all day. I’m joking… I got you baby.”

After 45 minutes of not a single distraction to pull her attention away, Ellie completed her test. A solid 93%, way above a passing grade. Good enough to get her ServSafe certificate, and definitely good enough to start serving at her restaurant, and get better pay and better tips.

Ellie kissed the top of your head,

“Did it, peach.”

“Did’itttt wedidi...” You slurred into her chest. She smelled like sweet cologne. Your dreams were so happy.

She smiled into your hair.

Mhm yeah. We both did it.

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