#my body grows but i just dont grow up | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

toxooz · 1 year

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been having wisdom tooth pain since saturday thats only getting worse and u kno what i understand him now i dont condone his actions but man,,,,i get it 💀

#priscus #he severely abused ponti bc he had hundreds of teeth growing in wrong in at least 15-20 parts of his body so its not Actually his fault uw #this is a fukkin joke btw in case some fuck takes to my ask box lmfao #GODDDD IT HIURTS #my appointment just to get referred to get them removed is in a week bruh idk if i can last that long genuinely #this aint even bad timing at this point this is straight up malicious this body wants me dead i tell u dead #its starting to fuck up literally half of my teeth like what is the long term damage going to be maNNNN #dont even get me started on the wisdom tooth removal surgery in and of itself like #my whole life i fear this bc i would quite literally rather die than be a blithering swollen faced idiot spouting god only knows what to my #loved ones fuck fuck ufuukckccc #remember kids this is what they mean when they say procrastination will ruin ur life take it from me a pro procrastinator

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bunnihearted · 10 days

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🐰🌧️

#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

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swagging-back-to · 4 months

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if youre over 17yo and you cant cook youre useless

#the amount of people in my generation who will get GENUINELY FLOORED if they see someone cook boxed mac n cheese #to the point where it is notable if someone cooks.#like it isnt a 'oh thats something everyone does. why are you mentioning that you drink water'#people freak out and act like you just revealed you have x ray vision and can fly.#it isnt cute for you to not be able to cook.#and i hope you know i am always imagining how you will slowly starve to death in an apocalypse scenario bc you dont know #how to heat something as simple as a can of beans to safe temperature #like seriously grow up #it screams entitlement and ineptitude #it's horrrrrrible in urban environments but even in rural areas you still find people who only know how to pop a ready meal in the microwav #they genuinely consider that cooking.#like.#actually.#inept adults #new tag dropped lol #it is kinda cool how im seen as godly just for doing the bare minimum every single able bodied human should be able to do

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artheresy · 3 months

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Oh my GOD, stayed up all night it's currently 6 am for me, to reread the entirety of Castle Swimmer because I saw it was coming back today (or I guess technically yesterday) AND I FEEL INSANE

I love when old interests come back to me, I feel like I need to scream over Kappa and Siren so badly

I have so many thoughts in my head, if anything happens to either one of them, I am leaving this world. If anything bad happens to Neth or Mucku or GOD MONO AND GALOO??? You will once again be gone from this earth /j

The thoughts I have are immense, I want to cry so badly SO BADLY Seeing Kappa's backstory with the healer and his scales, put me in physical pain, I never got there originally when I read it a while ago so seeing it now? Devastated me, I wasn't prepared

Also, the whales? Make me very curious? I'm just thinking about the way they work and their slumber works and I'm just... a hhhh... and while I don't think this will end up applying to him, imagining what the implications could have for Kappa is making my head hurt thinking about it

#READ CASTLE SWIMMER #ITS SO GOOD 😭#IM SO GLAD THAT IT COMING BACK MOTIVATED ME TO REREAD AND FINALLY GET FURTHER #Its sk good im so terrified of whats gonna happen #about those implications...#about how theyre asleep because they dont have a purpose from the god of the surface #lets hope Kappa's never in that situation/those same rules dont apply to him #because imagine kappa fulfilling a prophecy to the best of his ability as usual #when suddenly after its done he grows weary and his body feels heavy and he ends up falling into a deep slumber #unbeknownst to him that was the last prophecy and with no more to fulfill at the moment the god of the surface needs nothing of him #very!! a thought in my head!! that i dont want to think about #lets just hope once more that the same rules dont apply to him #castle swimmer #kappa #siren #castle swimmer spoilers #? at least for the tags but also vague for the post too #anyways i should sleep A H A #I DONT EVEN WANNA TALK ABOUT THE MULTIPLES THING... WHAT HAPPENED?? ARE THEY JUST GONE

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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months

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I desperately need to be a scene kid for Halloween this year

#idk y but i suddenly realized that im an adult and could potentially buy the goth bullshit at hot topic #that 12yo me desperately desired. and then i was like oof but i like the contrast of color #like i think i really wanted to be somewhere between scene and emo really #but thrn i was looking at scene outfits and im like woof. this is the kinda cringe i love. all thr fucking patterns. all thr colors #i even have thr 1nvader z1m graphic tees in my closet... i think #i just dont kno how tf to do that to my hair and also i dont have actual makeup lol #but i must be a scene kid for Halloween. i want the most ostentatious outfit. oh god im gonna have to go to the mall #i havent been to the mall in ages. i need to go to hot topic and claires. is pacsun still around? do they still sell skinny jeans?#i feel like everythings all bland now in stores. where tf do i go to get early 00s and 2010s clothes #good will maybe??? oh god. its like 3.30am and my hormones r all fucked up so i was experiencing like the type of fear you have when youre #like a little kid in a dark room by yourself. its not fair. when my hormones shift it goes: im so depressed to im full of rage ill kill u #to the world is so fucking beautiful im gonna kill myself. like in a not worrying way idk how else to express the feeling. to the type of #unhinged and undirected fear that belongs to a kid who doesnt kno shit. also lil heart palpitations and sometimes feeling like im gonna die #its bullshit. y does my body hate me? ugh. at least ive got a Halloween plan now #unrelated #oh god. dont let me cut myself bangs. im trying to grow my hair back out lol. im an emo with no bangs

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sundancefemme · 1 month

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the enormity of my desire disgusts me etc etc

#my post #every body shup up this about Lesbian Loneliness #i daydreamed too close to the sun #<-this could be a poem actually #anyways having thoughts about the trauma of growing up fat #how much i hate having my picture taken in any capacity (like i sometimes actually want to cry bc i hate it so much)#and the way i literally cannot imagine being sincerely desired #intellectually i know fat women are hot im frequently attracted to women who look just like me #but that doesnt mean i dont feel unworthy of love #esp romantic love #ive had some very kind compliments from Anonymous Tumblr Users in the last few years #which are reassuring in a way #but ive never had a woman attracted to me irl. like ever i think #anyways. lmao

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grasslandgirl · 11 months

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OHHHHH KARNA LOVE CONFESSION LETTER IS SOSOSOOOOO GOOD. YEAH I CAN FUCK WITH THAT SO MUCH. KARNA ON HER DEATH BED MAKING SAVING THROWS GETTING CARRIED OUT OF THE MYCELLIUM AND THE CAVES FIRST BY DELI AND THEN WHEN HE STARTED STUMBLING, OVERTAKEN BY THE POISON, CARRIED BY COLIN; OUT INTO THE WSRM LIGHT OF THE BULB SHE DIDNT BELIEVE IN. KARNA WHO BARELY MANAGES TO GET STABILIZED BETWEEN THE WOUNDS AND THE POISON AND HER OWN ROT BUT SHES BREATHING. BARELY. LAYING ON THE GROUND BLEEDING AND PALE FROM THE POISON AND THE ROT AS THEY ALL TRY TO CATCH THEIR BREATH AND AMANGEAUX CASTS A LITTLE SOMETHING BUT IT DOESNT HELP MUCH BC KARNA IS SO POORLY OFF AND THEY FINALLY MANAGE TO GET HER BACK TO THE ENCAMPMENTS AND FIND A BULBIAN CLERIC OF SOME KIND (that deli threatens, voice shaking, hand empty without his long-abandoned spear, eyes red and bloodshot and colin hovering like a ghost at his shoulder, into silence and compliance despite karna's unnatural poisoning and the rot overtaking her body- clear evidence of the hungry one) THAT MANAGES TO HELP STABILIZE KARNA A LITTLE MORE BUT SHES STILL OUT. STILL UNCONSCIOUS. AND THEY ALL SIT AT HER BEDSIDE, LISTEN TO HER FAINT RATTLING BREATHS. AMANGEAUX NEVER LETS GO OF HER HAND AND DELI CAN'T BRING HIMSELF TO LOOK AWAY AND ALL THREE OF THEM REMEMBERING THE MISSING MEMBER OF THEIR GROUP WHOM THEY COULDN'T GET BACK OUT OF THE CAVES AND. AND EVENTUALLY COLIN TELLS DELI TO GO BACK TO HIS CAMP AND REFRESH HIMSELF AND CHANGE OUT OF THE DUSTY SPORES-COVERED ARMOR, STILL BLOODY FROM BATTLE, AND THATS WHEN DELI FINDS THE LETTER KARNA LEFT FOR HIM. AND. AND. AAUGHGGUGGG. DELI WHO WAS BETRAYED BY AND THEN IMMEDIATELY LOST ARIANA AND THEN ALMOST LOST KARNA AND COLIN WHO'S THERE BESIDE HIM BUT SO COLD AND SO LOST AND DELI IS. AUGHGRUG. THERES SOMETHING HERE AND MAYBE ITS JUST FOR ME BUT ITS HERE.

#HI GANG IM STILL ON MY COLINDELIKARNA TRAIN CHOO CHOO #canon death i do not see you i do not recognize. i appreciate the narrative implications of karna dying but. also. no i dont #i just think. karna learning the lesson of balance that raphaniel got too late and once again serving as his foil and being the one to TAKE #the lesson and carry it forward. soemtihng something karna who started rotting way too young and maybe there's not a way to reverse the rot #that was already cut away from her body and maybe she can't undo the things she's already done. but she can learn a new balance #she can achieve new growth. and maybe her leaves will always have jagged holes in them. cauterized and rough. and maybe the skin of her #cheek will always be pockmarked and grey where it should be smooth and ruddy. but she is alive. and she can turn her one good eye up to the #the light of the bulb and even if she doesn't believe in it. she can see it. and she can grow under its warmth. yk?#also i want her to sail alongside colin and deli. i think ot3 pirate throuple would be really fun for me honestly #trw #d20 #karna solara #thane delissandro katzon #amangeaux epicée du peche #colin provolone #raphaniel charlock #d20 spoilers

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713-4th-ward-g · 6 months

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#now my aunt is in remission...#a lot is happening and i feel the loneliest I've felt since high school #I've only been getting worse since my family denied what i went through and sat there and told me i wasn't probably remembering it correctly #i know what it was like growing up even if it comes back to me in spurts..#but they really have started to make me doubt myself and its the worse cause they never apologized for the neglect and abuse #and they all took their side and acted like i was mistaken and said “ i never saw it happened do it didn't happen #and now i dont even talk to the only two friends i had cause i dont feel the same #if i don't text them first they never ever message me first or even check on me #and im always the one being there for them and listening to them and im just tired lf it all #i dont want a future anymore and im slowly losing my grip ive held on do tight even at my loneliest and now i feel like im losing #i was never anyone's best friend and everyone of the people ive called friends were always closer to someone else #ive only always had myself but im losing hope for the future and i just feel so extremely empty again #i just want to end this feeling and the weed isnt working anymore and working out doesnt work... i need God ive been so far away from him..#Im just slowly losing it more and more im tired of being the friend everyone goes to for advice and laughs or enjoyment #im tired of it so much #the only time i feel joy is the bliss i feel when i sleep and even that joy is never truly felt cause i constantly fight my sleep #i only sleep when my body forced it self to cause i can't naturally just go to sleep st s set time anymore..#im so tired of being people's escape or advice person I'm probably only saying this for the overwhelming feeling #of being a colossal failure and disappointment even so i still try snd try and fail some more #why don't i quit I just dont know why its just something in me that has some glimmer of self hope ive only tried to kms once and failed #maybe ima bit glad i failed but apart of me laughs cause i even failed at kms and find it ironic cause i fail at so many things #im so incapable of salvaging some semblance of normality or consistency #Mr.inconsistent that i am and have been but i refuse to let myself end that way i have to fight for something even in this haze of mine..#i just want to be better why cant i get better and stay good.. maybe it hurts more than i let on finally speaking of what happened #and for them to deny it may have really affected me a lot snd i am just now seeing it manifest it self now ...#i just gotta live with it and just TRY to do better every single day snd in every single situation snd action i take...

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tipytap · 4 months

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“but youre young! you shouldnt be in pain!” uh yeah thats kinda why its an issue bestie 😘💖

#ive had chronic pain of some kind my whole life and its been brushed off as ‘growing pains’#‘you’ll grow out of it’ pardon me but i dont think my elbows should bend backwards #im hypermobile but due to all the bullshit idk if its just hypermobility spectrum disorder or hEDS or something else #at least i have a fun party trick #it also doesnt help when people are like ‘how tf can you say the weather causes pain thats bullshit’ when both me and my mon just go #‘hmm im suffering its gonna rain’ and then it does #chronic pain #its like im heasitant to say im disabled but at the same time #i am definently not entirely able bodied #yeah sure i do some pretty rigerous sports (colorguard and climbing mainly) but that doesnt mean im not in pain #it baffles me that some people dont deal with this #like they just exist #like what #what do you mean people can stand up without both of their knees cracking?#you mean you dont constantly feel like you need to pop your wrists and knuckles????#insane #impossible even

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pendragora · 4 months

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Might a girl live without any body horrors for just one fucking night

#le sigh #sometimes i really. really. REALLY want to shake my mother up. look her in the eyes and yell on top of my lungs #why? because she is the source of this... pesky and disgusting thought that i only ever am beautiful if i am tiny light and petite #which i am not. 1) i am 5'9 which doesnt sound like a lot but usually i am the tallest person in the room #2) i have been obsessively working out most of my life out of fear of growing big and this? this gave me a trained muscle #i feel big. i feel heavy. i cant change my diet because i am autistic. because there is barely anything to change after all that time.#i just want to. i just want to feel okay about the way i am. may i please for the love of gods at least see myself as normal. feel neutral #i am tired of weighting myself and having to talk myself out of the feeling of disgust when the digits get to 74 #i am tired of stressing over a single sentimeter above my usual 100-70-100-ish figure #i am so so SO tired of seeing myself as ugly or fat the moment i put on something comfy and big. the moment my clothes are not a second skin #for the love of gods. please. how long is this going to take? how much longer can i possibly work for body neutrality?#i dont even ask to ever be positive about the way i look. i just. i just want to not eant to cut parts of myself off in delusional hopes #how many more nights will i spend crying because of this #how long. HOW LONG #this is too much #lena exposed

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kanadrawz · 6 months

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Can you draw Rie? Shes my favourite :3

ur gonna be *so* mad when i say this but i honestly dont care for wii sports club enough to draw anything from that game

#like rie herself is cute #i just dont like wii sports club #mainly bc i didnt have a wii u growing up #but also its just not my cup of tea #i do like the body diversity and actual confirmed age groups tho :D #but thats ab it

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oscill4te · 5 months

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thinking about going to the work holiday partyyy tomorrow. oohoooo

#big boss asked me if im going so o.O originally i didnt want to go but.#by big boss i mean tbis is a small company but he oversees all 9 stores... so.. um. LOL #im so anti social but i will sit by the older lady cashiers i kinda vibe with them #neuroplasticity... i wont grow unless i put myself in uncomfortable situations!!#my body dysmorphia prevented me from going last yr :( i kept overanalyzing my body and brkke down #this year i still look ugly and only have hoodies and sweats to wear but hey. i should still go right? idk. ughhh #txt #there will be free drinks. so maybe ill just drink and loosen myself up? idk 🫣#i always forget im a “manager” so i should go to at least make an impression. idk ffff. i still dont wanna be manager tho *scream noises*

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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 months

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#hello darkness my old friend. I have insomnia again #it seems i wont get back to sleep. making this the 4th night in a row of 4 to 5hrs sleep. woof #is it insomnia or am i on the bleeding edge of hyp0mania? idk its weird. i can feel the strain in my head #my thoughts dont connect as well. its like im being pulled in two directions. my brain becoming spaghettified. growing thin around the #middle. but im not as tired as one might expect. ive been pretty productive and optimistic but anxiety and internal restlessness are up #like im tired but also i need to get up and pace around. maybe jump up and down. maybe run in circles.#the energy comes in waves. sitting in lectures or sitting for the extended addition of l0tr has been somewhat unbearable #bc im so contained. i would not ever get up and walk around while those things were happening but i desperately wanted to #ugh. whats my problem? who's to say. could also b the medication. i see the psychiatrist next week and i think ill beg to b put back on #lam1ctal. just bc when i was taking it on a super low does i had a week or feeling the most normal i think i ever have in my life #anxiety and evil thoughts were so small and i felt happy in a way im not sure i ever have been #like i think under normal circumstances i just have a low capacity for joy. at most i feel neutral. like i was telling my friends how i #might do some field work in winter and they were enthusiastic abt it and i kno y bc it sounds cool but idk i just dont feel anything abt it #i cant see past the pain it will take to get there. and i mean mood wise i feel alright on 4bilify like in a nutral way but stable isnt #the same as feeling happy. but maybe its all just in my head. 25mg lam1ctal shouldnt b enough to b effective #but idk i think im just sensitive to the chemicals in my body. including hormone fluctuations. idk. i hope she lets me switch.#itll b a pain in the ass to readjust in terms of going off what im on now and it might not work #but theres literature on retrying lamicta1 and they say to avoid inflammatory reactions in the first 2 months. which i did not do. oops #not that i was trying. i didnt think abt it until id had a million holes poked in my skin and was experiencing a mild tatt00 allergy #ugh. anyway. tbh id prefer this being hyp0mania vs insomnia bc then at least i can continue to function a bit during the day #ive never done anything that wild while hyp0manic aside from injure myself from over exercising and make bad choices in how i spend time #ie become insane abt something and not b able to think abt anything else. ugh. and i guess at this point ive tentatively accepted the idea #of being bip0lar. so i swear to christ if i was misdiagnosed ill b so mad. its just that if i fill out an 4dhd and bip0lar checklist. i #get a way heavy positive with bip0lar and the 4dhd is meh. so i think i just have overlap in symptoms due to dyslex1a and 4utism #ugh. me and my collection of diagnoses. so it goes #unrelated

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depresseddepot · 2 years

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the way i try so SO hard to gain even a crumb of body neutrality only to then see some shit on twitter that remind me that oh yeah. a distinct portion of the population genuinely believes they are being discriminated against when they have to look at or be within 50 feet of a fat person