#but i really needed to reflect on some stuff

[petew21-blog]

Romania dreaming

It has been a few months since I met George on the site for long distance dating for gays. He was from Romania, kind of cute twinkish guy. Never had much luck. I honestly can't say why I went on that website, maybe I was just bored, but it turned out as the best decision of my life.

It was strange cause from the start, we knew we had chemistry between each other, but the distance made it complicated. We often sex-chatted on the website. About what we would do to each other and so.

One day I told him I wanted to jerk off furiously, because of what he wrote, but my rommate was unfortuantely in the room. Then just a strange idea popped into my head. "What if you'd swap into his body? Then you could be with me." George told me about his Romania ancestor magic skills he had, but he did just some small parlor tricks from time to time. The bigger spells were harder. He needed a friend for that. A friend that I could be. And that I could benefit from too

George loved the idea, but was scared at first. "What if the other one in my body ruins my life while he is me? I can't let that happen."

"Ok, you know what. Find anyone hot from your life that you would like me to swap into and I will come to see you. Then you'll swap me back and I'll see what the other person did. Maybe the spell makes them think they're us. That would be neat" I suggested

George was more confident now and even sent me some photos of his straight colleagues from work, so that we could see if they behaved differently after swapping back. I immediately set my eyes on Daniel. His hot, absolutely 100 % straight, colleague who worked out. Insanely hot.

We both agreed. I got ready in my bed. I told George to start the spell at 21:21. I looked at the clock and still had some minutes left. I tried to fall asleep. Maybe Daniel would be asleep in my body and it would be easier. Then it hit me. Strange nauseating feeling and the light

I was standing in the locker rooms. Cold win from the AC on my bare torso. Bare torso? Holy shit. I am shirtless in the locker rooms of some gym. That's something I never expected to happen to me. I looked down. First thing that caught my eye were the shorts. Then I looked at my beautiful muscular torso. My new arms. Then I caught my new reflection. In the mirror was the guy that I saw in the photo. Daniel. "Daniel" I said aloud. His voice sounded so strong and commanding. If he told me with this voice to get down on my knees and suck him, I would. Speaking of sucking I looked in my shorts. Nice flacid shaved cock. "Gotta find out how big you are when you're hard big guy". His phone vibrated. Fuck, I almost forgot I was suppose to send Daniel proof of swapping bodies

I sent the photo to George's instagram. Then I wrote:"This is what you'll be looking up at tonight while you suck me off"

"Peter? I can't believe it. You're really him. You have to come over!"

I wanted to get his stuff and leave immediately, but the some of his friends got to the locker and ridiculed me for being a pussy and leaving without lifting. I don't know if it was Daniel's personality or something else in me, but I felt like I had to prove them wrong. And then I said things I didn't even know. Shit about cars, girls, FUCKING GIRLS. I even lifted without knowing how. This body was on autopilote.

I left early without saying anything. Bunch of messages from George waiting for me and being stressed out what happened. I explained and asked for his adress of his dorms.

The twink I used to talk to late at night was waiting for me in black compression shorts and black shirt.

"Heey...." was all I let him say out loud. I agressively pressed him against the wall and kissed him. Tongues twisting around each other, my teeth biting his lips, hands feeling up and down his body. Slowly we were working our way to his bed. I set him down and took of my shirt. He was visibly shocked, that his work colleague was now in front of him stripping down. I whip out my hard dick and pushed it into his face. He obliged immediately and worked his way with his tongue around the bright purple head of my new dick. He was working it like a pro, trying to swallow it whole, not gagging. But that didn't matter, I had to fuck his ass. Now.

I turned him around, not even stripping him, only pulling a bit of his shorts from his ass. I spit into my hand, got it on my dick and pushed myself in. He screamed out. But I didn't care, I just pused inside and kept thrusting. He was so tight. His ass was so tight around my shaft. I shot my cum inside of him. Pulling out and immediately searching for clothes to leave.

"You're leaving?!"

I snapped out. "Fuck, jesus George I am so sorry. I don't know what happened. I think Daniel's personality still had effect on me. I didn't mean to be so rough on you. Please forgive me."

"It's ok. It did hurt at first, but it was worth it. I still can't believe you're him now. And I lost my virginity with Daniel who I crushed over for years! That's so amazing!"

"Wait, this was your first time? But, you told me all the stories. Was none of it true? Jesus, George, maybe if I knew I would have fought Daniel's personality harder."

"I didn't expect we would me irl. I honestly didn't expect the spell would wrok, but here we are. Daniel is here. In my room. Wait, I have a great idea!" he started casting a spell

"Wait!" I wasn't fast enough to stop him.

But now I was looking at Daniel. From his point of view. Already feeling more submissive than in Daniel's body. The personality of the original body truly does have an effect on the one swapped inside.

George was now posing in front of the mirror. His eyes focused on his biceps and all the tense muscles.

I was now in George's twink body. I could feel his ass hurting from the sex with Daniel's body. I could feel the cum in his ass. I felt the attraction towards Daniel's body. But I didn't feel right like I did in Daniel's. I wanted to swap back.

George now got to his new dick, which was already throbbing hard again. How that's possible, I have no idea. But as soon as he started jerking his new cock he looked at me and I felt his predator eyes on me. Fuck, this is gonna hurt

The next morning I woke up sleeping next to George still in Daniel's body. We didn't sleep much tonight, but don't get me wrong, while the sex felt great I still couldn't shake the feeling that I was in the wrong body. As soon as George woke up I told him about my dysphoria with his body. He got mad. I could tell that Daniel's personality took over. And then few seconds later I found myself in my original body again already in my university lecture.

For several weeks George didn't answer my messages. I could only see as his Tumblr profile had more and more photos of Daniel's body in the gym etc.

Not only was I worried, but I had to admit to myself that I was extremely jealous. I was in that body first. I need it more than he did

I kept spamming him with messages and then one day he answered. The message said:"I need to fuck this guy in gym. I'll swap u with him tonight. Be ready". Man, I think it's better to have one body close to Daniel's rather than be far from him

He did as he said in the message. I woke up again in the bright gym. Now lifting. I proceeded to not cause suspicion.

This guy I was now in was really handsome. More muscular even than Daniel I dare to say. I could feel that his personality was not as strong as Daniel's. He seemed more kind in my eyes, but who knows who he is. I may not know before George tells me. I saw him on the other side of the room eyeing me. Stalking me even. I left the body on autopilote and finished the workout. His body was probably used to take photos after so I let him

Maybe I could stay in his body. He is really hot. And more handsome too. But I don't know. He is the type I would love to have as a boyfriend, not to be him.

I followed George to the showers. We were eventually the last people in the gym. I got into the lockers. Patiently waiting for him to speak.

"You're Mihai now. He's the owner of the gym. So we got the place for ourselves. Let's hit the showers"

I followe him. Mihai, what a nice name for this guy. I don't feel that Mihai is someone who would just follow others and do what they tell him to. Maybe I figured out how to overpower the personality of the person.

We got naked and stared at each other.

"Nah, this is wrong." and yet again he proceeded to perform his ritual

I was now Daniel again and was looking at Mihai. Now the reality of how he acted hit him. And as I suspected before, Miahi was irl a very nice guy. "I am so so so sorry Peter. I didn't know that Daniel had such a strong personality. I tohught I could fight it, but most of the time I just found myself being the passenger, but still enjoying his life. It's so weird. But I feel better now as Mihai. Maybe you should stay in Daniel's body for now. I'll learn to control the personality of others, just as you did and then we can safely try to swap with other people. What do you think?"

"I think" I said as I turned on the water in the showers "that you need a post workout shower. And that George and Mihai need to get to know themselves better" I smiled at him kneeling down to the nice hairy cock already waiting for my mouth

Few months later

Are you asking if we stayed in their bodies? Well yeah, kind off. We made their bodies our main ones. We got them to live together, start a relationship and now even if we swapped into other bodies Daniel and Mihai bodies continue what we established. Romantic right?

Me and George often take trips to some new locations travelling around the world, enjoying life of other people. Most of the time we try to find some straight friends travelling to foreign locations, trying to score some pussy there and slightly changing their vacation plans. Heh, there was this one time where we didn't even exit our hotel room. For a week. Crazy right? That was wild. But maybe I'll tell that story another time and tell you how our life in Mihai and George is proceeding

But now we are in the bodies of these two gym bro friends, waiting for the gay bar to open. See you

A story from messages we came up with while body swap roleplaying with @hunkpossesion

I changed the plot a bit, but still the hot bodies remained.

#body swap #body switch #male body swap #gay to straight

[earlgreytea68]

having crazy thoughts about cryptozoology by patrick stump again....... the hidden track with lyrics about feeling like you need to prove yourself??? feeling like you'll never be the kid they want you to be??? the most hiatus song ever just in general. like to me its one of his most vulnerable like he talks about the struggle of expectations and how he feels like the ghost of the kid he was. how he feels studied and almost inhuman even when hes trying to express himself...

but also if we want to look into the whole pete/patrick angle?? omfg. just the image of "arms crossed nose turned up like youre trying to say impress me, good luck" - is that not pete wentz. like this is the most cruel interpretation of their musical partnership, one where they are bringing out the best in each other for the worst reasons. one where they only really act as foils to prove the other wrong and they can never really catch a break. and patrick is grating against it. i honestly this song is the only one on soul punk that reflects his relationship with pete/fob at all and its so devastating the way he does it. like he clearly needed it to process some stuff but oml.

anyways thanks for reading my little ramble <33 (and my earlier one about homesick at spacecamp.... can you tell im insane about overanalysing their songs) have a nice day!!

ahahaha welcome back! I love that you do this!

Cryptozoology has always killed me. A song named for the study of things that don't exist...and the song doesn't exist. It's hidden. And it's like the Patrick doesn't exist, not that particular one, not the one you mean. Not the one who had a Pete. You're right that that whole image and command of impress me is so loaded Peterick-wise: It's how they met, Pete wanting Patrick to impress him enough to join the band; it's their whole partnership, trying to one-up each other; it's Patrick tumbling into the hiatus, trying out a solo thing and feel Pete's judgment over his shoulder. There's so much there, and then there's Patrick insisting, I don't have to prove myself to you. Don't you?

There are so many little Pete flourishes in these lyrics, too. I can almost hear you trying too hard in answer to We must make it hard to look so easy doing something so hard. That whole thing about the ghost of the child who didn't die, he just grew up, makes me think of the crown to my head but I was only a kid. It also makes me think of the kid that Patrick was, who didn't die, who just grew up, and then was a has-been at 27. And then of course there's those old haunts, the old haunts full of Pete.

The song is a lot. You're right, Patrick had a lot to work through, and I approve of this album as therapy lol. He got a lot out and everyone came back together stronger.

#fall out boy #fob #peterick

[phtalogreenpoison]

bit of a vent,,, bit of a pep talk,, read below the cut

sometimes i want to go off my meds. i'm like it's annoying to be dizzy all the time and sometimes i go kinda flat emotionally. like i'm not numb or apathetic (been on too high a dose and i did NOT like that) but still.

but i know if i do, my mood swings are too hard for me to handle. i get angry all the time and i try so hard not to lash out at people i care about.

and yet i still miss the highs. i miss the days where i felt like i was pouring out creativity, writing a song every day, funny and carefree (or anyways, less anxious). i miss not needing as much sleep to function.

and i can't even say "oooh that's the demons talking" bc my ocd ass will be like "what if you actually ARE evil and possessed??" which i know isn't true, but still.

and yet. it's hard to know that i am reliant upon another person prescribing me medicine and hopefully not judging me for it, especially when i might have to change doctors soon. that if i ever run out, i'm likely in for a very bad time. that the side effects might catch up with me. that certain things become more likely for my body.

also that my memory is fuzzy for chunks of my life. i don't feel like i'm getting any smarter, like i'm actively declining. i am in my 20s.

it's just kinda the grief of realizing my life might not be exactly how i planned it, that i might not be capable of as much as i thought, at least in the way most people do.

and yet i persist. i keep going. i take the damn pills every single day (or try to). because that is currently what is best for me.

but like hell am i going to judge someone who refuses medication. it better damn well be their choice, and i regret every single day judging someone in my past for being rebellious and violent without ever considering WHY they were that way. what society pushed them to without ever offering a hand back up. because the system (at least where i live) is broken, especially in regards to mental and physical health.

and i'm one of the lucky ones. i realized pretty early on what was going on, even though hardly anyone believed me at first, or that i was exaggerating. or that i was "normal." (great way to never trust yourself or think that you're manipulating or gaslighting by saying you're Hurting, by the way.) i can afford the co-pays. i am so, so lucky.

and yet, i'm still hurting. i want attention pretty much near constantly, especially from my favorite people, but i'm a quiet person who has a hard time reaching out. i doubt myself pretty near constantly and have extremely low self worth, even after so long of putting in the work to actively better myself. i hate people easily, based on one comment they say, or think they're fantastic for barely any reason. (and i can feel myself emphasizing what i want people to see, so people pay attention to me)

i'm still me. horribly so. beautifully so. even when i don't know who that is on the bad days.

please keep going. i promise it's worth it. i can't promise it always gets easier or better, but i can promise it's worth it.

especially for the people who love you unconditionally, without reservation. and for yourself. if you're not there yet, that's okay. you might never get there fully, but it's still worth it. because you can still experience love and joy and grief and friendships and relationships of all kinds and community and culture and and and. for the brief walk we have upon this earth, there are wonders to see and experience.

hold my hand in this darkness together. we shall sit as long as you need.

#personal #vent #pep talk #i was crying when i wrote this #but i really needed to reflect on some stuff #hope you don't mind #literally this is a journal entry lmao #actually mentally ill #actually bipolar #actually bpd #(the last one is a possibly but i'm tagging bc i relate heavily and i know others might too) #love you guys #mental illness #mentally ill #mental health #mental health awareness #living with mental illness #bipolar #borderline personality disorder #ocd #actually ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder

[waddles-ex-machina]

oops I forgot to mention that uhh the new wand is done!! it’s been finished for a while tbh, I just procrastinated on gluing it all back together and taking a semi-decent pic. there’s only a couple key changes I made - re-doing it so it has the zig-zag bend ofc and coating the copper base part so it doesn’t tarnish and stays shiny :)

anyway THIS is as close to canon as I can make it!! I’m glad it’s done and I’m very proud of it but also I am never doing this again lol

here are the main ref pics I based it on for comparison:

and here are some closeups of what the gem looks like when light hits it bc it’s so pretty

(how obvious is it that it’s just living as a paperweight on my desk between cons)

#hilda the series #Hilda netflix #Hilda kaisa #Hilda the librarian #wand #cosplay #post tag #ignore my weird hands #thanks ppl who expressed concern for my well-being on the last post I can’t honestly say u were wrong #I feel like I should mention that a part of why I re-did it was bc I already knew I was gonna have to dismantle and change some stuff #after the 1st con #mainly the copper thing and also I needed to re-glue the gem on anyway bc it turns out superglue does not cut it and the gem started #unscrewing itself halfway through the day lol #anyway I had Reasons #y’all can decide for yourselves whether this reflects on my sanity better or worse #ALSO idk maybe I’ll add on and talk abt how I made it if only bc I need to boost the seller who made the gem for me #I was really struggling for that part and they totally saved me #and it’s so prettyy gem go brr ✨

[whentherewerebicycles]

a bunch of people have already registered for my mentoring workshop! unfortunately this means i have to plan and host a workshop aaaaaa

#i want to think aloud through it on here at some point #but i think i am going to structure it around the theme of cultivating student autonomy #because i think one of the primary goals of mentorship is to prepare students to be self-directed learners who can set realistic goals + #evaluate their own progress + reflect on what they've learned and what they still don't know #+ take initiative without sitting around waiting for someone to tell them what to do next #so i think we will do some thinking around like #when we have a student we think of as really capable or driven what qualities and behaviors do we observe in that student #and maybe ill also share some of the research on intrinsic motivation + self-direction + locus of control #which i think is all really interesting esp in light of the contemporary College Mental Health Crisis concerns #and then we will look at a range of tools + structures + strategies that i think are useful for fostering student autonomy over time #and maybe leave them with some core principles/guiding values that i think are useful when you are trying to like #avoid jumping in and doing stuff for kids #or solving their problems for them #idk i need to think through specifics a bit more #but i feel like on this campus #people do a lot of 'workshops' that are really not interactive at all #it's just someone talking from slides #and i kind of want to show off my ability to structure more engaging workshops #but idk. gotta think about how to do it well #and how to build in lots of opportunities for like crowdsourcing strategies too

[seagull-scribbles]

Saw some artists draw Rise Raph’s mask in a bow and I fell in love ♥️

#rottmnt #rise raphael #raphel #i saw the bow and i loved it i was like yes i love how raph is so angry and tough but rise raph punched toxic masculinity in the face #but then i was doodling it and its like #its lgbt history month here in the uk #and most of you know im non binary #and i have been self projecting onto rise raph a lot this past month so #i ended up doing this instead with his two outfits #experimented with colours and textures a little more #i want to branch out and maybe try drawing the other turts and maybe some humans but i am missing my sonic stuff a lot too #but yeah a fem and masc rise raph for the soul for now #i really love all the ideas and headcanons about raph having DID and stuff it is logical #but i also just like that maybe raph is like an onion with lots of layers that i can hug and self project onto mwahahaha #i think i need more practice with this more boxes body shape but i do think this is already much better than my attemp 3 weeks ago so progr #progress #its a shame i dont have time to do lots of studies and redraws i think that be the next step for me to progress #also no one asked but i think his masked it ruined at the bottom because he chewed it when he was younger #also also no one asked even more so but this month ive just been thinking alot about how i present and idk #just a lot of thoughts and reflections going on here i guess #SaveRiseOfTheTMNT

[indigodawns]

.

#these are just some thoughts re: friendship as a result of tonight that i need to jot down somewhere but #realising that i really do have a strict and set idea of Good Friend(ship) and what that entails to me #and id written people off bc i wasn't yk ~receiving love or friendship the way id prefer and i was angry with them for that/hurt about it #did i communicate that to them though? nooo. was i fully right in that? also no. like just bc i felt unheard didn't fully mean #that they were doing something wrong. they were trying in their own way (and sometimes they weren't really or it just wasn't nice) #but that's about how we match and how we communicate right? this is so silly that's so basic but it never fully clicked for me like this #i was blaming them for stuff and building up resentment without ever expressing that (and i still haven't yk dhshsjd) #and i think where i went ~wrong was in thinking that bc i felt that way they weren't ~giving me what i need #when it's like... but did i pick up on the ways in which they DID appreciate me and show me love etc? did i give them ANYTHING to work with? #(ok yes occasionally but also... tangent but i was watching a variety show and they were teasing woozi about how #he gives interviewers/hosts literally nothing to work with. like no extra information for them to ask about or tease him for or anything #and i was like ohhhhhh. yeah i do do that sometimes with friends and it's genuinely smth i don't really know how to do like #giving casual information (but not too much and not too little???) so they can then ask questions etc. so then if im like ughh #they never ask (the right) questions or show interest (or let me talk but that's a different thing dhsjdjd) it's like... #well do i give them the chance to? much to think about thank you woozi) #anyways where was i dhsjsnsnsjns idk but it's soooo annoying that i haven't figured this all out yet #but im slowly letting go off a bunch of resentment that has truly no business being here and im trying to self reflect and all that #and im honestly doing so shit some days but others days it's? finding stuff that matters to me on a deeper level ig? #and all of it really does pale in the face of multiple genocides and it's. but yk. if i want to keep fighting #i need to build a strong foundation and sort my shit out as well and be present so im really really trying #and beating my stupid stupid depression and brain with a stick until i get there

[thethingything]

working on the Big Drawing™ again and trying out some stuff with the autumn trees, and I didn't expect this to work as well as it does

apparently I can draw lightning pretty well though so that's cool.

I like that at this point we're just playing around with it and it's ended up with a kind of fun fantasy vibe. like do I know what's going on in this scene? absolutely not but it looks interesting

I like playing around with light sources and different coloured lighting and I think that probably explains at least half of what's going on here lol

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #our WIPs #big drawing 2024 #new year's resolutions 2024 #I don't know what it is about lighting especially with mutiple light sources and various sources of reflected light and stuff like that #but for some reason we find that really fun to draw? like trying to figure out how the light bounces around a scene #I need to draw some more portraits with funky lighting at some point #also I'm now realising I probably need to draw reflections of the lightning in the water #but I'll figure that out when I actually learn how to draw water lmao

[spamtoon]

(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)

Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...

Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!

(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)

I know what you are.

Farewell, now!

(She then leaves the way she came from.)

(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)

And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...

(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)

You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?

I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.

(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)

Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way

(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)

Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.

WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.

Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever

#bright spark #<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky #the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE #SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh. #that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things. #today was an event. #i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you #to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this #is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay #nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are #honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang #spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main #cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her #own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally #i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to. #i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel #like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything #with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have-- #living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite #finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives #happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander. #that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared #to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that #respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a #method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family. #the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy #excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around. #spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much. #spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going #sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay

[bluecollarbisexual]

My dad was a fire captain for calfire. I’m a nurse.

Started watching 911 for the bisexual rep that’s cropped up recently, as I’ve watched much worse shows for a lot less. Was really excited to watch a dumb procedural with a compelling bi storyline since I feel like the experience of figuring your shit out/exploring your sexuality older is a distinctly bisexual experience.

My experience of actually watching the show has been a little surprising though. I went into it mostly just stoked for a queer storyline that I could see myself reflected in. But what’s sticking with me more is the way I’m sort of understanding my father.

It took me until I started working as a nurse to really be able to understand even a fraction of some of the stuff I was only peripherally aware of as a kid. The way he resisted to the point of rage when I was insisting on wanting a motorcycle. The way he would angrily tell me how he spent too many nights scraping people off of the freeway for him to ever condone me buying something like that.

When I finally started working in medicine I began to understand some of his trauma, and the way it made him angry. I’ve learned what it’s like not to be able to save people and to watch them die, sometimes horrifically.

I didn’t go into this show expecting any real insights. I just wanted a fun romp with a queer reward. But weirdly the standout character has been Bobby for me. I see a lot of my father in him. The trauma and the fear and the still putting the turnouts back on and going out there under the influence of some drive that’s 1 part naturally-born hero, 1 martyr, and 1 part adrenaline junkie. And the mark that these kinds of jobs leave on the people who do them.

I grew up hearing stories about horrific motorcycle accidents. About how my father wasn’t there to help my mother when I was a newborn, because he was in San Francisco responding to the devastation of Loma Prieta. About how after one particularly nasty stretch, his brand new turnouts were completely black from blood. About how I didn’t recognize him and hid behind my mother’s leg when he came home after months on the line one fire season.

And this shit did take a toll. I’ve seen a lot of his anger, his inability to cry or mourn even when his father died, his tendency to fly into fire captain mode over even really mild emergencies. He couldn’t even finish the movie Seabiscuit because he couldn’t stomach the kid dying in the beginning of the film. Watching similar struggles of Bobby’s character, the PTSD, and the situations that contribute to it, is making me appreciate the life he lead in a way that not even being a nurse can.

Anyway I don’t expect anyone is particularly interested in this. I’m in season 2, and just a little surprised by the way this show is hitting me and just sorta needed to reflect on it.

If anyone is also in emergency/medical (or has a loved one who is) and has had similar experiences watching this show I’d be interested in hearing from you.

#911 #911 abc #this show is hitting me like a ton of bricks #I obviously always appreciated my father and everything he did #but there’s something about seeing some of his stories pretty accurately depicted on screen that’s hurting and cathartic #Buck and Eddie are cool too #etc. etc. etc. #and on a different note: yall. the medical stuff on this show is AWFUL. #I can overlook it because the show redeems itself in a lot of other ways. #but boy do I cringe when the fire medics are saying shit like ‘prepare the TPA’ in the field. #like no sir…. you certainly would NOT be giving that med. nor would you even have access to it holy moly #the pulse is thready they’re going into vfib!!!! no monitor in sight. also vfib would be a no pulse situation not a thready one #and you cannot tell the difference between fib ba oulseless vtach vs pea vs asystole without a monitor #i think they shocked asystole early on too? boy. #anyway I needed to reflect but also yo air a few nitpicks. #it’s a good show. I really appreciate so much about it. definitely looking forward to getting a late season bi storyline #the medical stuff makes me wince but I get through it #sorry for the long post I just have a lot of feelings

[cowboy-like-moony]

Ugh I just love it when movies/shows are a little older and still have this slightly grainy look and no one decided to slap a million weird filters and colours onto it

#people really need to stop slapping green or blue filters onto something and calling it cinematography #i get it if it creates an iconic look like in matrix or even twilight but everyone else needs to stay away from all these blues and greens #you're giving me headache #the alternative seem to be yellows which I also dislike but still usually prefer #you know what else I hate? #when the something is either completely drained of colour or the colours are turned up to a maximum #hate it hate it hate it #i even hate them for story reasons #i get that it's a flashback i have basic perception skills #no need to put a filter over it #so many older movies are so much more visually pleasing #and people will be like “oh but the audio/camera quality has improved so much since then” yeah I know and I HATE IT #i also like the tennis match dialogue in stuff like clueless or gilmore girls #and I hate when people criticise it for being unrealistic #IF I WANTED REALISM I'D JUST HO OUTSIDE #obviously there are some movies/shows/other visual media that have the purpose of reflecting reality #but sometimes it's okay for stuff to just exist for comfort and vibes #also fashion #we need to talk about fashion #90% of the stuff people wear in movies and shows now makes me want to throw up #there is no reason that the fashion in a movie from 2023 has to look more outdated then fashion from a mivie made in the 2000s #especially in “chick flicks” #not to stereotype but i guarantee you that there is an overlap between people who appreciate cute outfits and who like to watch chick flicks #obviously there are some aestheticly pleasing projects #but most of them look really high budget #when it's soo fucking easy to make somthing aestheticly pleasing woth a low budget #lean into it #and syay away from these goddam filters do a little bit of colour correction and leave it alone #aaaarrgg #do you think people in the next generation will find stuff from now “retro” and “aesthetic” (or what ever they call it then)?

[luvevee]

Idk maybe it's fine to accept Sada and Turo are just really shitty parents who neglected and abandoned Arven instead of pulling the shortest straws in an attempt to make them seem like they were just sad workaholics who got too caught up in their work like a bad hallmark movie

#like honestly seeing the straws pulled on my dashboard is like...really? #'oh they had two pictures of him!!' they had a picture of him as a toddler and the other was of his dog #by a cabinet full of their trophies and a messy eating area btw not by their bed #'oh well ai said-' ai literally felt so bad for that kid that they felt like they had to make him feel loved by them #and even arven knew it was bullshit and told them to stop #'oh well-' he's referred to as ''the boy'' in their PERSONAL journals that right there shows they don't love him #arven having basic necessities doesn't mean they loved him it's that they knew how to make sure he didn't starve to death #he literally learned how to cook BECAUSE they weren't there so they even failed on that part #you can't say you love your child just because you give them food and clothes and a place to sleep that's REQUIRED of a parent #like wow they have ONE WHOLE PICTURE of arven when he was like 6 they must love him so much /s #literally arven is so traumatized by how he was neglected and abandoned why are excuses being made for his adult parents #i think it really reflects how some people who turned to pokemon as an escape see their own relationship with their parents #because yeah i def know what that's like to be given basic care and not the emotional parts of parenting #and it means people have to confront some shit that's pretty heavy #listen you having basic things like a place to sleep clothes and food doesn't mean you were loved #if your parents were constantly absent/only saw you when they wanted something/always talked about work/were never there for you/etc- #then that's something you gotta talk to your therapist about #treating your kid like a pet store fish isn't love and arven was treated like a pet store fish #people gotta realize that if you feel the need to make excuses for his parents what excuses you're making for your own or other parents #because damn realizing that stuff hits like a brick #this is a rant because arven's issues hit really hard with me playing through the game #and it's big bruh moment seeing people trying to take copium for sada and turo #they're shitty parents end of story #like it's not rocket science tbh but damn therapy is a thing some people need for how far you're reaching for some love between them all #there wasn't and there's not. the two pictures aren't 'evidence' of love #just like damn #rosebud posting 💐 #pokemon #pokemon sv spoilers

[airbenderedacted]

NO YOU NOTICE IT TOO???? EVERY NICE/OPTIMISTIC CHARACTER IS ALWAYS HEADCANONED AS PAN QND I??? HUH????? Not that there's anything wrong with being pan, I'm mspec myself, but it's ALWAYS the happy go lucky characters and I??? 😭

IT'S,,,.,...,.

#mango-mya #like ig i wanna cut some slack to the very young kids who're doing it bc they're still learning and figuring things out and uhhh yeah #they're gravitating to what makes sense to them n i think lots of them dont have the concept of sexuality fully separated from personalty- #-in their heads yet. bc character tropes and flanderizations and stereotypes are easier to ''get'' #so tl;dr it's easier for them to get p submerged in stereotypes bc they're still new to everything n stereotypes r by definition Everywhere #it doesnt make it less Not Great & they do need to learn better but ik it's not done w like. malice / willful ignorance (mmost of the time) #BUT OLDER FOLKS........ GROWN PEOPLE PERPETUATING THIS STUFF.............. MASSIVE MASSIVE SIDE-EYE. BC WHHY R U STILL THINKING THIS STUFF! #the lack of self-reflection is NOT it 😔‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ #IT'S LITERALLY JUST ABT ATTRACTION SO WHY ARE U OUT HERE THINKING THAT SWEETER/NICER = NO GENDER PREFERENCES??!? NO!!!!! #THAT SAYS REALLY BACKHANDED THINGS ABT PEOPLE WHO ARE GAY/LESBIAN/STRAIGHT (& ARO/ACE EVEN) !!!!!! OUGHGFGFYGFHHGHGGHHh #ofc you can be a kid & maliciously internalize shitty things like that too but imho the older/experienced you are the more likely this is #w/ age comes wisdom and all that. MASSIVE alarm bells if someone thinks these things and has been around queer communities a lot #atp that's a sign of it being kiNDA DELIBERATE ourgh #and yea the inverse is true to certain degrees. you can be older but super new & ignorant abt lgbt+ stuff but uh. in this specific case.. #a lot of it is just...... bro... all you have to do is think a little. just a little. abt why niceness =/= sexuality. willfully ignorant sh #blaaagh #OH! And ofc: there's nothing INHERENTLY wrong w/ hcing characters like this as pan / etc. #you can make lgbt+ hcs influenced by personality ofc - it IS kinda best to lowkey Not but ykw it depends on how you're going abt it!!! #(*cough* LEAVE NICENESS/FRIENDLINESS OUT OF IT 😀🙏) #& it's not bad & evil for a character to fit some ~~stereotypes~~ bc those fr aren't always a bad thing!! sometimes it's legit commonalitie #but if stereotypes are ALL you ever do... if you knee-jerk leap onto WEIRD/NASTY stereotypes... if you base sexuality on niceness/goodness. #YUEAH THAT IS NOT FUCKING GOOD AND SOME SELF-REFLECTION NEEDS TO BE HAD... LIKE BOATLOADS OF SELF-REFLECTION NEEDS TO BE HAD #and really any time you're looking to a charcater's personality to come up w/ ur hcs... #(which will probably be often bc honestly what influences hcs in general more than that?) #just take a second to ask yourself if you're tapping into any personal biases/misconceptions/alladat !! #most of the time it isn't a question of ''would this look wrong?'' but rather just ''am i looking at this wrong?'' #sexuality is just who you have the hots for!!!! not how kindly or wholesome or open you are! (that's just action/expression not orientation #(´･ω･`) 👍👍 #.......sorry i rambled so much here. i'm on my meds today 😅 #my brain has too many thoughts in it and things to say like Always aohgbhbvsfs

[lepetitfruit]

Every time I have a knee-jerk reaction to clarify "oh I think this is cool but I'm not ~one of them~" I have to stop and think for a moment about why. What about being perceived as part of that group bothers me? Why does it bother me? What would clarification acheive, other than alienating a group I'm trying to say is interesting? It's very informative

#this is about that a/b/o worldbuilding post i reblogged earlier #it was genuinely fascinating! #and i got halfway throught writing my tags and realized that hey #i shouldn't be “defending myself” or whatever from people thinking im into a/b/o on a post made about a/b/o for people who enjoy it #i get the same knee-jerk reaction whenever i reblog furry stuff or tell people my fav comic is called blades of furry #(its really excellent go read it now) #i am in fact having the clarification knee-jerk reaction to writing to post right now #but yeah. have some self reflection out loud #petit talks #ps. the aswer to why does it bother me for both of the above it bc its a group that gets made fun of a lot. thats it #theres literally nothing wrong with either group people are just assholes and it affects how i am willing to be perceived #to be clear absolutely no shame to anyonw who does feel the need to clairify #its just something ive been thinking about in terms of myself and my reactions to things both online and in real life

[alparlaboratories]

i think a some dndads listeners need to realize that if the crew  listened to what the fans want the show would be a lot worse overall.

like,  it happened with glenn before, and it’s happening with scary and taylor  now, that people are pressuring the players into making these  characters show more vulnerability or whatever, which would be  completely out of character. you realize the reason they’re good  characters is because they’re not emotionally honest in the slightest  and are so guarded up it would take a lifetime to undo that, right?  like, not every character has to speak like they’re in therapy, that’s a  pitfall I see so many writers fall into, and I’ve fallen into that too.  

I get loving the characters and wanting them to be happy and  open and go to therapy (and in Glenn’s case I saw so many posts wanting  him to ‘take responsibility’ and ‘seek forgiveness’ which is... yeah I  get it, you’re a catholic but with a different name) but that’s not the  kinda story this is, and probably won’t be until the end of the podcast.  these are hurt, broken people and they’re gonna make a loot more  mistakes until they get better. baby steps.

#dndads #also some of you really need to chill about your purity culture stuff #i get that some people find it uncomfortable to hear a story where teenagers talk about heavy or s3xual topics but thats how teenagers are #they talk about and do a lot of that kinda stuff and that's sometimes reflected on fiction #and fiction IS written and sometimes performed by adults #who know what it was like to be a teenager and draw on that to act out their characters #like... if you think it's immoral or anything i really don't know what to tell you. touch grass. go outside and meet real people #under that pretense 60% of authors would be cancelled i guess

[qasian-tech-support]

Please ignore if I clicked the wrong blog to respond to.

But I also want new Megas and Protomen :(

RIGHT?!?!

I mean, yeah, the Megas also have their takes on Skullman's theme ("Cracked Skulls"; inspired by MM4) and Chill Penguin's theme ("Chill XMas"; inspired by MMX), and I guess there's also one based on Storm Eagle's theme ("Rougmer Storm"; MMX), but I haven't listened to that one yet.

Like, I get that they have a good story arc to cover the first 3 classic games, but it would be so cool if they explored some of the themes of the following games, y'know? Or flesh out the MMX or other series music! Or hell, pick and choose some Robot Masters and make a new narrative, or like literally anything, please, people are starving over here! And it's not like they aren't still active. Don't get me wrong, I love their Castlevania stuff under the Belmonts label, but it would be nice to get Mega Man content outside of just remixes/remasters of their existing songs. Plus, they're still doing concerts, so like the audience is there for it!

And as for the Protomen, I hope that they actually end up releasing Act III at some point. Having listened to The Fight, it makes me crave it to an unhealthy degree. I love the grimdark kinda take on Mega Man that focuses more on the role that humanity takes in all of the conflict. I feel like that angle gets extremely neglected in Mega Man media.

Idk, as a fan, it's just kinda frustrating how neglected mega man gets. Like, it feels like the rare times whenever we do get content, it focuses on the first three or four games (if we're lucky), and then it just dies off! Or goes dormant for a decade or more. The franchise has so much creative potential that just isn't realized and it's so sad!

#hoping praying everyday for more #oh god and like just how foundational both bands have been for the creative efforts for the classic series #the archie comic even references The Megas a few times!! I GAVE YOU HAIR (ROBOTIC HAIR) #imagine the potential with a Bass focused narrative! or Quint! or Dr Cain!! #and Capcom themselves arent free from scorn here. if they encouraged more creative efforts a la the archie comic it could stimulate #even more interest in the series beyond just jumping and shooting. like that helps to build an evergreen fanbase #and i mean more than just XDiVE. like i find XDiVE charming yeah but like. Im not seeing the profits from being put back into mega man stuff #having friends that have gotten me back into transformers really makes me reflect on Mega Man. i get that transformers has toylines and MM #is more game focused and that def makes a difference but like. the amount of comic series and issues that help flesh out the transformers #universes. for MM we get like 55 issues for archie? 'indefinite hiatus'? bro we know the sonic stuff brought MM down with it just say 'dead' #let IDW take up the license and get Ian Flynn to come back. i know we likely wont get ArchieOCs like Tempo back but like #idk.... it hurts bc i know how good of a job the archie comics were. its hard to imagine a reboot that isnt basically identical in story to #archie. esp bc how much love was put into tying in with the side content like the hand held games. but surely something could be done #somehow it could be continued. find some kind of Genesis Wave-esque mcguffin to change the OCs out. retcon the sonic stuff out completely #i really dont want to see MM1—MM3 needing to be revisited *again*. its like a Dr.Wily/Sigma in their own right for how much it comes back #like thats prob what kills a lot of creative endeavors tbh. the themes and events are so foundational that theyre nigh inescapable #I'm just.... tired.. #i have so much love for mega man and so many chains holding that love down