#but i haven’t seen him all year cause of covid and i miss him a lot

[izacore]

oops… this is a lot longer than it was supposed to be, so sorrry!!

just prefacing this by saying that everything surrounding the asia leg cancellation is so fucked up for all the fans, but i did just want to say how sorry i feel for louis because he just has the worst fucking luck. it’s quite frustrating to see niall and harry do so well and not have these kind of set backs, and i’m not trying to compare or put anyone down, they deserve all the success they have, but it just sucks because louis deserve at least a 10th of that. his music is amazing, i think so many people outside of the current fanbase would love his personality, and he’s inspired and helped so many people. but he just keeps on getting thrown these curve balls. he writes an amazing album, but the numbers don’t represent that. he goes on tour, that gets cancelled. he releases a doc, but there’s barely any media coverage on it. like i get that he’s probably catering this stuff to the fans, but he’s at a point where fandom support is not enough (this is an assumption, but i do think the cancellation is b/c he didn’t meet some sort of ticket/sale quota, otherwise he would’ve given an explanation as to why this happened). anyways, imo he (and harry too) should take some time to figure stuff out. take a step back, maybe write a little music, but mainly just reflect on how far they’ve come (because they’ve achieved so much!!!) and see where they want to go from here. they’re just going going going because they want to keep up the momentum, but i think they’re leaving the fans behind in the process. i get that covid changed so many things and everyone is trying to catch up from the past two years of lockdown, but when you keep on touring and releasing stuff people become overwhelmed, mentally, emotionally, financially. i think that’s kinda where people are at. fans are becoming frustrated with hl. niall on the other hand, everyone is asking when he’s going on tour because people haven’t seen him in over 4/5 years. it’s good to step back, give people a chance to miss you, especially in this kind of industry. i know everyone keeps on saying the same thing over and over again, but yeah… it just sucks. i hope things start getting better for louis, he deserves it.

Hi nonnie, don’t worry I don’t mind long messages.

I agree with you that it's true that Louis cannot catch a break and that in the past he unfortunately had the worst luck, but in this case with the examples you named I just can't absolve Louis completely of the responsibility. The (potential) low ticket sales, fitf's numbers, aotv not making any noise outisde of the fanbase are things that Louis should have some control over and what's lacking is any effort from lthq to... work. You cannot just drop a project, expect fans to carry it and do your job for you and then get disappointed when the outcomes don't meet your expectations. Louis released fitf and then disappeared/went on holidays/went to party in LA/promoted a doc full of lies. How is that going to be sustainable?

Hard agree on Niall and his promo, though. His team is just so smart with reintroducing him to the gp and booking him for festivals before they send him on tour. And in all of his interviews you can see how... mature the approach he has to his art and career has. My friend @louisshomesharry hit the nail on the head yesterday when we were talking, and said that compared to HL, Niall accepts his age and adjusts his career accordingly, meanwhile the boys are still trying to live their early 20s catering to teens cause they don't want to accept they wasted those years on some bullshit. I wish they could both take a step back, slow down, reconnect with each other and then come back when they're rested and matured (and with a duet album ready haha).

#ask #anonymous

[forabeatofadrum]

Notes: Welp, yesterday I tested positive for COVID and then completely forgot to update this, but here we are, a day late! If Baz can wait for twenty years, then we can survive a day.

AO3

–

VII

~~

2155

When I first got used to immortality, twenty years felt like ages. My life was on hold and I had no clue what to do with all this time that I was granted against my will. I watched how everyone around me died of old age, which is something that I can only dream of. (And I do. The only thing that keeps me from drowning in self-sorrow is the knowledge that I get to see Simon sometimes.). But after the first hundred years or so, I got used to it and the opposite took place: twenty years felt like nothing. Twenty years feel like a little blip in all of eternity. It made waiting for Simon bearable, since it’s only a small amount of time compared to of my never-ending life.

But these past twenty years were hell.

And hell does feel endless.

I’m sitting in my chair. The tea and sour cherry scones have been served. The Veil has lifted and I am waiting.

The wait for Simon has been unbearable from the moment I realised he left without me being able to apologise. The “I’m sorry” has been on the tip of my tongue for all these years. The worst part of all of this is that for the first time in decades, I’m not certain of Simon’s Visit. The last time I spoke to him, I told him to leave, and he obliged. He didn’t even fight back. He just vanished.

I’m sitting in silence. You can only hear the ticking of the clock, which adds to the dramatics. Why do I even have this fucking clock? No one in this day and age uses analogue clocks!

I wait and I wait.

My eyelids start to feel heavy. (I blame the summer heat.)

--

When I wake up, I notice that some scones are missing from the plate. I turn my head to the left and I do a double take when I realise what I am seeing.

Simon.

Sitting on my other fancy chair.

Juggling three sour cherry scones in the air.

I haven’t seen him for two decades and now he’s here juggling my food, flying scones around my flat.

“What the hell?” I say loudly. That breaks Simon’s concentration. He lets out a yelp and the three cherry scones land on my carpet.

“Damnit, Baz,” Simon says, “I was close to breaking my new record. They were in the air for around 5 minutes and you missed it!”

After the initial hilarity caused by Simon juggling scones, my mind catches up with the situation. My body feels heavy as if something is pressing me down. I cannot get out of this chair. It’s too much. Seeing Simon after all this time is too much. It strangely reminds me of his first Visit: the mixture of shock and surprise. Although this time I don’t jump on him. Quite the opposite.

“You’re… here,” I manage to croak out.

“Yeah, of course,” he says, like it’s obvious. He even has a frown on his face.

And finally, finally, I get to say it.

“I’m sorry, Simon.”

Fuck.

Twenty years of those words circling in my head every damn day. That’s 7.300 days. That’s 10.512.000 minutes. That’s-

“I’m sorry too, Baz,” Simon says and he reaches for my hand. The familiar cold sensation overtakes. I shudder instinctively, but it also feels so good to have a tangible proof of Simon being here and that’s the thing that breaks me.

I let out a sob.

“Twenty years, Simon,” I say through my sobs, “Twenty fucking years.”

I feel a hand on my cheek. I freeze. The cold is welcoming.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, babe.”

“I- I am so fucking sorry, Simon! I thought I’d lost you forever. For real, this time.”

“I won’t go without saying goodbye, Baz,” he says and cold arms wrap around me. He pulls me against him. I open my eyes and I see that he’s crouched in front of me and he’s holding me. The cold is painful, but I’ve never minded before.

The only thing I mind is his apology.

He didn’t do anything wrong and now he’s comforting me?

I don’t deserve him.

That’s what’s been on my mind for these twenty years. I don’t deserve him. I never did. He’s the one who’s dead for Merlin’s sake, and I am whining about life.

“Baz, I forgive you,” he says softly, “Oh how I adore you. I can’t stay mad at you.”

“You didn’t come back,” I sob, “I waited for you, Simon.”

“The Veil had closed,” Simon says and once again the familiar feeling of numbness overtakes. The Veil had closed? He… he wasn’t ignoring me?

“But- but the Veil keeps open for a week. That’s how it’s been the past few times,” I say.

“I thought I was the one who snoozed during Magickal History,” he says with a chuckle, “God, Baz, we’ve just been weirdly lucky. Coincidentally, it’s been a week for the past few Veil lifts, but it’s not a hard rule.”

“I…”

“Like, I’m pretty sure the Veil lifted for longer than a week when I met your mum. Don’t you remember that?”

I don’t.

I’ve talked to a lot of vampires here. They all said that at one point, you start to forget things. As I suspected, immortality does impact the memory. Some people have started transcribing entire conversations in thick books in order to remember things.

Well then, I suppose that somewhere in the many years, my memory has started fading. Luckily I know that I will not forget the most important things, like my family.

And Simon. It comforts me to know I’ll never forget Simon.

But stuff I was taught in school? Yeah, that makes sense. Apart from Simon, Dev, Niall, Bunce and Wellbelove, I don’t think I can remember my other classmates pretty well. I mean, I think Bunce had a dryad as a roommate, but that’s it. (Right? That, and she was a lesbian.) (I’m pretty certain about the lesbianism, not about the dryad part.)

Unfortunately, this particular piece of information would’ve been handy to have.

“Do you know beforehand?” I force myself to ask.

I can feel Simon shake his head.

“No,” Simon says, “Once I go back to the other side I realise whether or not it was my last day of that particular time. When I’m back in the afterlife, if that’s what you wanna call it, I can sense how the Veil works, but not while I am here. The moment I realised our window had passed, I panicked.”

“Why?” I sound bitter. I can’t help myself. To him, all of that shit happened yesterday.

“Because I knew you’d spend the next twenty years hating yourself for what happened.”

Well, he isn’t wrong. I loathed myself.

“But I’m here, Baz. I’m sorry.”

“I should be the one who’s sorry. I was awful,” I say.

“You were,” he says with a laugh. Tosser. “But again, I forgive you. I understand. But I also think you’re wrong.”

I frown.

“You don’t want to die. Not really,” Simon pushes me from his chest so that he can look at me. He has that determined look in his face. He used to look at me like that when he kissed me for the first time. “You’re immortal, but not immune to shit. You could’ve killed yourself, but you didn’t.”

I didn’t.

And I’ve been tempted. I refreshed my memories on vampire killing spells. I’ve stood too close to open flames. I ‘forgot’ to drink several times.

And I’m still here.

I let out a sigh. I’m still here.

“I wanted to see you, love,” I start and I reach to hold his face, “Simon, I live to see you. I can’t imagine my life without you, even now. You’re the only thing worth living-”

His cold hands hold my wrists, stopping me from cupping his face and kissing him.

“Cut the poetry, Baz,” he says sternly.

“But-”

“Uh-uh!” he puts a finger on my lips, “Let me talk, Baz. I’ve been thinking a lot about our fight – and before you make a comment about the passage of time, let me remind me that it passes differently for me, so simultaneously a lot of time and almost no time at all have happened.”

I nod.

Right. I knew that at least, but since I don’t live that time, I don’t really know what it means.

“Baz, this can’t go on. This isn’t healthy. You cannot keep living to see me, you need to actually live!” he basically pleads. He’s this close to begging on his knees, or so it seems. Oh how the tables have turned. “And I think you want to live, but you just cannot move on.”

“I could never,” I immediately say. I agree with him there.

Simon looks like he’s about to cry.

Maybe he is crying, sort of, in his own way. Visitors cannot cry.

“That’s the problem, Baz,” he says sadly, “You can’t die and part of you clearly doesn’t want to, but you can’t call this living. The fight has shown that and I won’t allow it any longer. You have to move on. You have to let me go.”

He says that latter part with so much urgency in his voice and it feels like someone’s slapped me in the face.

“Baz,” he stares right into my soul, or so it feels, “Let. Me. Go.”

My mind catches up with what he’s saying and I yell out a tearful “No!”

I’m once again the one pleading, begging on my knees. How can one man (or ghost?) reduce me to this? He’s still holding to one of my wrists and when I try to reach him with my free hand, he also puts a firm grip on that one. He won’t allow it.

“No, love, I cannot do that. Do not ask that of me.”

“I’m not asking,” he says solemnly, “I am demanding.”

Suddenly, I fall forward. My face hits my carpet and I let out a grunt.

Simon’s gone.

--

Luckily, he’s back the next day.

I’ve had some time to think about it and I stand by what I said. I cannot let go of him. How can I, when he’s the only source of joy in my life?

The moment Simon appears, I tell him that. I have all my arguments written down. I read them aloud from my screen (I miss paper. It’s more dramatic to flip a page than to scroll down a screen.). I don’t look at Simon while I do so.

It’s a ten minute long monologue and he doesn’t interrupt me at all, for which I am glad.

When I’m done, I give him an expecting look.

“This is bullshit, Baz, and you know it.”

I cannot keep it calm and collected. I managed to stay cool during my plea, but the way he dismisses it immediately breaks me.

“What’s changed?” I ask again and my voice cracks, “Do you no longer want to see me?”

“I always want to see you,” Simon says and he sounds so sincere that I believe him, “I really do. I enjoy these Visits as much as you do, Baz, and if I were selfish, I’d let this go on for all of eternity.”

“We have all of eternity,” I quicky say.

But he shakes his head.

“No, Baz, one day I must go on. And so do you. Again, selfishly I don’t want this to stop, but I have to do this. I didn’t get time to explain properly yesterday, since I got pulled back, but let me explain. I love you, and I need you to listen.”

I swallow my retort. I nod.

“When’s the last time you’ve told me something new? It’s always the same when I’m here. Sure, some details change, like one time you work at an university and the next in a library, but your life is nothing more than half-arsed friendships, your work, and waiting for me. Where are your epic vampiric adventures? Where’s your literary scientific breakthrough? Where are your badass vampire friends? You have a life, but you’re not living!”

“I live to-”

“See me. Yeah, I know,” Simon says with a deadpan voice.

That’s the thing that gets me. When he says it like that, it sounds pathetic.

I am pathetic.

I want to argue with him. I want to protest him. I am mentally writing another speech. But he’s also right. I am a hundred and fifty-eight years old and I have achieved absolutely nothing in my life. It’s been hundred and forty years since Simon died, the world’s changed all around me, and I have barely noticed it. Sure, I adapt to things like paper almost ceasing to exist, or wearing clothes of materials that were discovered recently, but I could’ve done so much more. I had the chance to be at some points that have gone down in history.

But no, instead I lived a basic life with a nine-to-five job, shallow relationships and a flat in Las Vegas.

It’s a good life, really. My jobs are enjoyable and even though I don’t have meaningful relationships, it’s also good enough to have friends I only see to have drinks with. And I love my flat! It’s good, but as Simon points out, it could be better.

Still, I resist.

“I don’t want anyone else,” I say to him, “I cannot move on from you.”

Simon has a contemplative look on his face.

“Maybe I should rephrase it,” he says slowly, “Move on without me, not from me.”

“What?”

I see no difference.

“You don’t have to fall in love with someone else,” he says and he even seems happy at the prospect (hypocrite), “If you do, that’s fine, but if you’ll keep loving me until the end of time, that’s fine too. You don’t need to see me to still love me.”

“But then… what do I do with my life?” I ask.

Okay, yes. Pathetic.

“Do what you’ve always wanted to do,” he suggests.

“All I’ve ever wanted to do was wait for you!”

That’s the whole point of this! If that weren’t the case, then Simon wouldn’t be here.

Simon shakes his head. He has a sad look on his face. Circe, I really am killing him with this. Or well, I am making his death worse. I can’t really kill him again.

“Then do what I’ve always wanted to do.”

I tilt my head in confusion.

He elaborates.

“You have a life. I don’t. I died and I never got to do what I wanted. Granted, as I said, part of me always expected to die young, but still I wish I could’ve done more. Maybe you can do that for me.”

I blink a couple of times. I think I get it.

“As in… I need to finish your bucket list?”

“I kicked the bucket before I was able to make one, but yes. Yes, you need to do that for me.”

--

The entire time the Veil is lifted, we spend time creating the perfect bucket list for me to complete.

I am fighting myself over this entire situation. When I write down Simon’s suggestions, I have to force my hand to move. All of me tries to protests, but I also know this is no use. Simon’s enthusiastic despite the circumstances. He really wants this for me.

He wants me to move on.

He wants to move on himself.

The end is near.

The end of all of this.

It’s as if the universe is aware of this cruelty, since the Veil stays opens for longer than one week. Is the universe trying to make up for the previous shorter Visit? (Does the universe even care?) (It feels like it doesn’t.)

Despite the circumstances, I still love the fact that I get to see him.

But this Visit also has to come to an end. Simon can feel it. He tells me so.

Simon kisses my forehead.

“I’ll see you in twenty years, babe,” he whispers. Once again, I shiver. Even his voice can feel so cold sometimes.

“You’ll be back?” I ask hopefully.

“Yes.” Then he looks over his shoulder and he stares at the bucket list. “Please finish it before then. I love you.”

And then he disappears.

--

End notes: Thank you @facewithoutheart​ for helping me out with this idea. The reason I got stuck on this fic for over a year is because I didn’t see a way out other than “Baz kills himself” and I didn’t know I wanted to go there, but Christina came with the idea of Simon encouraging Baz to find new meaning in life.

Additionally, I also want to thank her for confirming that the line “I kicked the bucket before I was able to make one, but yes.” works.

#story: time after time #snowbaz #carry on #simon snow series #holy fuck I wrote #2022 #multichaptered

[27emailsicantsend]

Hi! Not the same anon but I was the one who notice the 2x12 scene everything started with me believing that the episode felt incomplete without a rina scene when they are part of the core four I send it to heartsgallery /post/693057935133310976/what-if-the-flashback-is-of-2x12-Ricky-finding I still believe it exists until the last second of 3x08 is done I will believe is there in the Mickey basement somewhere. I love how depending on the quote the FB could be different for you stand the 'no one+

Ok I’m going to answer two asks in one here, because they’re kind of along the same vein: the flashback.

I still think we have the potential for a flashback. I agree wholeheartedly with the first anon that it doesn’t make sense why we haven’t gotten one yet. The first time, kind of. It served as a good cliffhanger and left the audience wanting to know more. But I was SURE we were going to get it last episode and we just… didn’t?

And the theory you sent in the ask is SPOT ON. Ricky FULLY checked outside the hall when Miss Jenn asked if he was happy. There was no reason too? It wasn’t like he was waiting for someone or revealing some big secret. In fact, the larger heavier part of the conversation happened before he checked the hallway. So it would have made sense for him to check at the beginning of the convo, not the middle, unless he was remembering something or checking for SOMEONE. I also think the timing of when Gina was in the dressing room crying was off. My theory is, EJ told Ricky to not go after Gina. Maybe ricky got some big idea in his head and told EJ and EJ stopped him because he didn’t want ricky to cause gina anymore hurt. I think he did this after he friendzoned gina out of hurt and gina overhead, so she was crying again when Nini found her. This would make sense with the “no one should tell you who you can and cannot have a second chance with” convo AND EJ’s over the top frustration with ricky this season. Yes, ej knew gina had feelings for ricky since season one so the walk in the woods thing might have set him a little on edge this season. But if he knew the same night he was supposed to go on a date with gina and kissed gina was the same night he stopped ricky from going after her? That makes his big reactions and side comments a little more understandable (not justified, just understandable).

I TOO feel like there was something really big missing from this episode. I remember exactly the night I was watching that episode in my room. I was laying in bed and EJ and Gina walked to go kiss and then all of the sudden the cast was singing. I remember PAUSING the episode to look at the time stamp and saying OUTLOUD to myself, “that’s it??” Because it seemed SO short. Not only was it cut for the song at the end, but I remember feeling like 2B went downhill writing wise. It felt like COVID had not only shortchanged the writing but the time put into the episodes. Like they didn’t have enough material so they just kept what they could. I reacted outloud because I was just that shocked. However, I am kicking myself a bit this season. I found that the writing in 2B wasn’t bad at all. In fact, there was just a lot we hadn’t seen yet. The stories, plots, dialogue… everything is starting to come full circle this season. Which leads me to believe that yes, 2x12 was cut short for a reason. I think there is a scene missing. If there isn’t, then that’s ok. Everything still ~mostly~ makes sense. But Ricky’s line to Jet felt WAY too intentional for it to just be that Jet hadn’t been at the school and seen Rina’s year of development. I think, like Kristoff and Sven, Ricky is going to open up to Jet once and for all and we will see the whole thing about what happened. And it would be a REALLY cool flashback if it also happened in or near the dressing room to parallel Gina’s.

And if this flashback happens, I think we’ll also get a confession about ricky bringing the chocolates. It could be in the same flashback. He could accidentally slip up and say, “I think I’ve liked her this whole time. When you brought her to the dance, when I brought her the chocolates- oh no. 😳” It could be really easy to slip that into the flashback as well.

TLDR: I think a flashback is still on the horizon and it could go a million different ways. I would REALLY like for it to parallel Gina’s somehow though. I think that would show reciprocated feelings in a more cinematic way. And while Jet doesn’t know AS much, I think this would be a good way to cement Ricky and Jet’s friendship (Kristoff and Sven) by him opening up about something that he’s kept buried for awhile. It did the same thing when Gina told Ashlyn her flashback.

#rina #high school musical the musical the series #gina porter #ricky bowen #ricky x gina #theory #asks #send me asks #flashback #2 anons

[beconsumed]

i know i said i wasn’t coming back until next week but i need to spit this all out then go again a big huge reason why i haven’t been online is the fact that my family is still very very covid safe. and i mean like ACTUALLY covid safe as in we barely leave the house we don’t see family we only go get groceries or once in a while when we get too stir crazy we will run to a fun store or 2 like joanns which is always empty or some yard sales. we haven’t seen some close family since before this started (and they now think we’re insane) and the family we have seen is like quick driveway exchanges of gifts and some quick chats and thats it! and its so incredibly enraging and disappointing to log on and see people going to the movies and concerts and going on dates or going to bars or going out to eat and hanging out with friends every day like . do you get it. do you get how much this sucks . it is so goddamn depressing and awful  .a family member of mine is immunocompromised BUT even if they weren’t we would still be doing this because

A) covid isn’t a fucking cold its so scary? how are you not all scared? long covid is the scariest thing ive seen how are people not more scared! we don’t even know everything its going to do to us but we know plenty enough to be terrified!!!! and B) WE CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE! we don’t want to possibly be spreading covid without knowing to anyone! especially people who have to risk their lives to work or to get groceries or pick up meds or go to the doctor and are already at risk, why would i want to put them at further risk so i can like “have fun” for a night?

when i say my family goes somewhere/does something we are all double masked with KF 94′s and we are vax’d obviously but like that doesn’t mean as much when no one wears a fucking mask or they do but they went to a concert the night before or a family dinner or whatever the fuck!

it kills me how much all of this stuff im saying is similar to what everyone was saying at the beginning but now those same people have thrown it out the window because they decided staying in the house was too boring which, IT IS BORING! WE DON’T WANT TO BE DOING THIS!!!! i can’t get over people’s willful ignorance in how much this sucks for people actually being safe like, we AREN’T HAVING FUN! but does that mean we just give up and stop caring?!?!? and willful ignorance in the harm being caused every time someone goes to a gathering or hangs out with friends or whatever like . is the domino effect of spreading lost on everyone or what?? and btw i am so sick of people just saying they’re “being safe” when its a situation where its literally not true? like at LEAST be honest with it that’s better than lying about it!

its really the entitlement i can’t stomach it makes me SICK how people think that its fine if they’re not safe because they “want to make memories” they “want to live life to the fullest” they “don’t want to miss out” they’re “lonely” whatever idiotic excuse they make for being an ass AS IF WE DON’T HAVE THOSE SAME FEELINGS?!?!? of COURSE we want to go places, OF COURSE we want to see our friends and family, OF COURSE we want to have some fun, so what makes you so fucking special?!?!? why are you the priority over everyone else?!?! what happened to thinking about others?!?! you’re willing to put other’s at risk, to sacrifice others, to see a fucking concert or eat dinner in a restaurant?!?!

like watching my sibling go through his senior year online while everyone he knows is getting to make their happy graduation memories while he’s stuck at home actually worrying about our health and the health of others has been the most heartbreaking experience, he’s finishing high school so lonely because he can’t find others who feel the same way as him, and everyone thinks we’re “overly dramatic” or whatever for being SAFE!!! what makes it so that you deserve to get those happy memories but those who are at risk or caring for those at risk undeserving??

i know its been said but it has not been said enough that these years have reeeaaally shown people’s true colors in regards to how much they actually care about disabled people and any other high risk groups.

#do i need to do the ''this isn't directed at one person'' song and dance i feel like it doesn't matter #long post #im so mad! im so mad!

[bluesherbet]

Sorry tumblr I’ve been very quiet recently -

So I went to see Harry Styles at Wembley and had the best bloody time of my life to the extent where I lost my voice and did my back in from dancing and I still can’t believe I was there to witness that performance in person and see Harry sing Sign of the Times in the pouring rain which was timed to such perfection that it felt like a film. The vibes, the energy of everyone there and the outfits made it such a happy place to be.

Now for the shitty part. Leaving the venue was literally impossible as we got held in the same spot for 2 and a half hours to the point where the rail lines were shutting down and even after sprinting it to the station I actually needed we missed the last train and had to spend the night in said station where I shivered and had to stay awake after expelling all of my energy and my phones battery also.

AND THEN TO TOP IT ALL OFF I HAVE COVID AGAIN YAAAAAAY 🙃 so I literally haven’t felt like a real human being since that evening and the sad thing is I’ve seen A LOT of people in the exact same boat. It’s funny cause I waited 2 years to see him cause previous shows got cancelled because of covid and we all ended up giving it to each other still 🙈

#alice.txt #sorry for the long post but felt like sharing an update #harry styles #wembley n1 #love on tour

[autistic--cryptid]

i miss my friend

#i know i’ve said this before #but i haven’t seen him all year cause of covid and i miss him a lot #i’m used to seeing him every day at lunch or at least once a week at the club we’re both in #but now he’s just not here #and with the club advisor leaving and us being able to drive somewhere else for lunch next year #idk if i’ll get that #and yeah i have his discord but idk what to say #i just miss him a lot #and i wish he was here so i could see him and talk to him again #peyton says things #tw// covid 19 #tw// coronavirus

[thefanficmonster]

Love For The Faceless

Corpse Husband x Youtuber!Reader(Female)

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: Fluff 

Summary: Y/N is a YouTube gamer who has recently gained a much larger following thanks to the streams she does with her friends. Naturally, considering her faceless and bodiless nature, people are starting to get curious about her. When she finally follows her friend Corpse’s example, a lot more than her hands is revealed.

Requested by anon, you know who you are 😉 Thank you so much for placing a request and hope this fic fulfills the expectations you have for it.

“Hey!“ I greet the lobby as I finally hop into the Discord call after quickly saying ‘hi‘ to my audience.

I’ve been a YouTuber for four years now and I’ve only recently started streaming, encouraged to do so by my best friend Rae. She’s the one who got me in multiplayer games such as Among Us and Phasmophobia which led me to meet her amazing gaming squad that consists of some of the most famous names on the platform. They are all wonderful people and I will forever be in Rae’s debt for introducing me to them. However, becoming friends with Felix, Sean and the rest of the team brought not only a more fulfilled life, but also a small boost in following. Who am I kidding, it wasn’t small. It was overwhelming, terrifying even.

My YouTube channel had a little over a million subscribers at the start of quarantine and now....now it’s closer to three million. Speaking of three million, I’m about to reach it any day now and it’s really hard to believe. I’m a gaming youtuber and I’ve never considered changing my genre despite expecting to not get any attention whatsoever, with all the big names on the platform. I was convinced not even as many as a hundred people would stumble across my videos and now here we are.

My OG subscribers are very supportive of my sudden growth and are defending me when my newer fans ask for a face reveal or whatnot. While we’re on that topic I might have to mention that not even my YouTube friends, and that includes Rae have seen my face. I’ve been faceless and bodiless for the entirety of my time on social media. Some claim I do it to grab more attention or for dramatic effect, but the reason is beyond that. I’m not shallow. Actually, shallow people are the reason I don’t show my face. I’ve never been the prettiest, but my middle school bully thought that I wasn’t lacking self confidence enough. As a result, I ended up with a not so handsome scar on my right cheek that starts from the corner of my mouth and nearly misses my eye. Yeah, it’s a long and pretty noticeable scar that has thankfully become less and less obvious as the years have progressed. Still, it’s not something I’d like to show to my viewers.

Eight ‘hi’s greet me back, each making my smile grow wider. “Sorry I’m late guys. Technical difficulties.” 

“Don’t worry.“ Rae’s voice dominates over the rest, “Corpse still isn’t here so we’re waiting for him.“

I mute myself on the Discord call and take a look at my comments. I’m most flattered by the comments about my voice. Seeing as how they don’t have much to compliment about me other than my content, they make the nicest comments about my voice, personality and humor. Those comments are the ones who warm my heart most. Even when people in my day to day life compliment my appearance I can’t find it in me to believe they are being genuine. I’d like to believe these amazing people are being one hundred percent honest when they tell me they like me for who I am and not for what I might look like.

“Sorry I’m late guys.“ A deep voice causes me to even physically jolt, switching my focus from the comments to the Among Us lobby where my eyes land on the newly materialized black avatar.

“Hi Corpse.“ Rae greets him.

“Hello mister who broke Twitter!“ Sean laughs, provoking the laughter of the rest of the players.

“Yeah, congratulations man. That’s a big deal.“ Felix chimes in.

“Thanks guys, but I think you’re forgetting we’re talking about a picture of my hand.“ Corpse chuckles timidly. I have noticed how shy he gets when someone gives him a compliment - like a snail slowly withdrawing in its shell. I find it adorable.

“That’s what makes it even better!“ I unmute my mic, sending my own congratulations.

“While we’re on that topic...“ Rae begins, waiting for the rest of us to shut our traps, suggesting she has something important to say. “Y/N, do you ever plan on doing a reveal like that? Not a face reveal. Just a body part reveal.“

I have no problem talking about the subject with friends but I get nervous when I’m supposed to discuss it with my fans. Seeing as how everyone, including myself, is streaming right now, I get a bit of a stutter in my speech. “Haven’t thought about it yet. But I guess a body part reveal is harmless.” I cringe immediately after letting the words leave my mouth, “That sounds so weird.”

Rae knows that I’m not too fond of my face, but I haven’t told her about my scar yet. I let almost all people I’ve met online think I’m using my lack of appearance for effect. For the mystery of it all. Mysteries attract people which equals attention. Attention equals views and the domino effect continues.

“Just a suggestion. No pressure.“ Rae adds quickly, knowing full well I get anxious when the subject is brought up in front of cameras. “Let’s get this game started, shall we.”

                                                          * * *

The idea dwells in my mind, sitting on the back burner even after I disconnect from the Discord call. I’m sitting in my gaming chair, which was a gift for my two million milestone, and weighing out the pros and cons of the action Rae suggested I take.

“It’s a picture of your fucking hand, dummy. How bad can it turn out?“ I say out loud, shaking my head at my indecisiveness. “You’ll be fine.”

In a blur, two pictures are already posted on my Instagram. The first one captioned ‘Took a leaf from my friend’s book. Did I do it right @ corpsehusband?’ and the second ‘Thanks, Rae. These are on you.’

Rae’s POV

As I’m watching a movie in my living room, I get a notification from Instagram, informing me that Y/N has posted for the first time in a while.

I scoff, “More like the first time in forever.”

The first thing that comes to my mind is the possibility of her reaching that three million milestone that’s been long time coming. I bring the glass of water that’s sitting on my coffee table to my lips, taking a sip as I tap the notification. The picture I see makes me hurry to put the glass back down so I don’t drop it. Y/N’s hand. Her fingers are covered with several thin rings each. And here I thought Corpse had too many rings, this girl has at least two on every finger! 

Then my eyes land on the second picture she has posted only minutes after the first and my heart drops. I struggle to get the water that’s been sitting in my moth down my esophagus while my mind is struggling with the task to comprehend the picture I’m looking at. 

Another hand is resting on top of Y/N’s. A hand also covered in rings but fewer and larger. The nails are painted black. 

I think I know who it belongs to.

Before I can even finish the thought, I’m dialing Y/N. She picks up after the second ring, sound cheery as ever as she greets me. “Hey Rae!”

“Don’t you ‘Hey Rae’ me!” I practically scream. I hate being kept in the dark about anything ever so this is just driving me mad. On top of all, she’s my best friend, for fuck’s sake. “Is that Corpse in the photo with you?!”

“Ugh....“ the cheeriness to her voice is all but gone now.

I go on with my rant, not giving her the time to reply. Not that she would reply. I bet she doesn’t know what to say. “So he knows where you live?! Or was the picture taken at his place?! He knows what you look like?! You have seen him! He has seen you in real life but me, your best friend, haven’t!!! You are breaking Covid 19 protection laws to take pictures?! Are you fucking serious, Y/N?!”

There’s a long moment of silence which frustrates me even more but I literally have run out of things to yell and the power to be angry. I mean, I still am, I just can’t express it.

“Rae, sweetheart, please calm down. You’re scary when you’re mad.“ This girl has some fucking nerve! She’s on the verge of laughing!

“Listen here you...“ 

“Rae, please stop scaring my girlfriend.“ That oh so distinguishable, oh so familiar voice interrupts me.

I am flabbergasted, for a lack of a better term.

“Now that we’ve got you quiet, I can explain.“ Y/N pics up the conversation, “Corpse and I have been dating for six, almost seven months now. We started dating around Easter after talking for quite some time. We moved in together at the end of September. All thanks to you, Rae. You’re the best.” She pauses to breathe in real quick, “There, all caught up?“

I’m in no less shock than I was before she explained. Actually, I think I might be even more confused now. It all just feels like a fever dream. “Yes...no. I don’t fucking know! I need details, Y/N!”

“Details later.“ Corpse makes his presence known once again, “We’re watching Family Guy right now. Talk to you later.“

“Love you, Rae!“ Y/N calls out before the line goes dead.

My arm goes limp, dropping my phone on the couch next to me. 

“Motherfuckers” I mumble under my breath.

Y/N’s POV

It’s been a week since Rae has stopped talking to both Corpse and me. I know she just needs some time to cool off. In the meantime, the rest of our friends were informed and, as oppose to Rae, were nothing but supportive and overjoyed. I bet Rae feels the same way though. Sean, Dave and the rest of the gang have confirmed that she’s incredibly happy for us and says she noticed a spark between me and him since day one, but she can’t help but be mad at us, and especially me, for not telling her sooner.

“Any regrets?“ I remember Corpse asking me when we hung up on her after dropping the bomb.

“Not being able to see her face when she saw the picture.“ I beam at him, feeling as content as ever.

He laughs, agreeing with me before leaning down to kiss me.

@susceptible-but-siriusexual  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @hacker-ghost  @itsminniekat  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios

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[sorryjustafangirl]

what home is

a/n: this is my submission for @antoineroussel 's summer fic exchange 2k21! thank you for organizing this all demi. i recieved @timstuetzle and i am so excited to finally share this! im sorry it's so late but i had a lot of fun writing for Tim and i hope i did him justice! i made this a gender neutral reader again, so please enjoy my take on some friends to enemies to lovers :)

pairing: tim stützle x reader

word count: 18k+ (holey moley)

warnings: some angst, set in no covid-universe, a few swears, an odd timeline

disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and real person fiction if you don’t like that, please don’t read! the banner is made by me, with photos found from pinterest and the transparent made by @art-and-the-hockeys (thank you!!!)

The start of the season was your favourite. The chill of the rink, the sound of skate edges on the ice, the smell of skate sharpening- it was all so familiar. As an analyst, the start was the best. There were new lineups, new plays, and a chance to try new things. Considering this was your first year as a real analyst, not just checking over others' work, you were excited. You got to actually help to build a Stanley Cup winning team.

What you didn’t love was how everyone seemed to lose their heads and decide to run around the arena. You’d been looking for the coach of the Ottawa Senators for the past twenty minutes. You’d think the man would be in his office the first day back, but no. He decides to take a stroll to who-knows-where and leaves you to follow invisible breadcrumbs.

Eventually, you found yourself on one of the lower levels. You continued down the hallway, entering an open space with concrete floors. The bustle of the new season was in full swing as you swerved between various people working like gears in a machine. You tried to do your best to stay out of other people’s way but you still ended up walking into a hard surface.

“Oof!” Shit. Hard surfaces don’t usually talk. You looked up at what you ran into and saw two men staring at you. Both were wearing Senators hoodies but one was a taller blond and the other a slightly shorter brunet. The brunet has a backwards snapback on but that wasn't what made you stop in your tracks. It was his eyes. They were soft and welcoming, something like a home cooked meal, but they had a glint of adventure in them.

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! I wasn’t really looking where I was going. I am so sorry.” You apologized to the blond you ran into.

“Hey, all good. I’m-”

“Number 7.” You turned toward the brunet. “And...number 18, right?” When they both gave you a weird look, you shrugged. “I’m an analyst here so, uh, you’re just numbers to me.”

“Okay, ouch but you are the reason we’re going to be winning more games this season, so I'll give it to you. I’m Brady, and this is Jimmy.” The blond gestured to himself first, before gesturing beside him.

“It’s Tim, actually.”

You introduced yourself to the two players, before looking around the hallways. “Um, would either of you happen to know where the coach is? I can’t find him,” You held up the file folders in your hands. “I’ve got new numbers for him.”

“Oh yeah he’s probably close to the ice, we’ll show you.” Brady started down a hallway, both you and Tim falling in stride behind him. “So Numbers-”

“-Y/n-” You glared at Brady for the nickname, rolling your eyes as he continued on. From your peripheral vision, you saw the corners of Tim's mouth turn up.

“-If you don’t mind me saying….either you look really good for your age, or you aren’t old enough to be working here,” He continued, giving a glance your way.

You looked down at your shoes and gave a sigh. “I get that a lot, and I am young-er than my colleagues but I assure you, I am qualified to work for this organization.”

“Wasn’t doubting that, just seeing how much I get to tease ya. Jimmy’s the rookie,” He elbowed him and Tim tried to swerve around it, only to bump into a stack of pylons. Brady and you shared a grin at his expense. “So he gets all the teasing. Same for the numbers people. You’re the rookie.” He shrugged

“Well, I’m not actually a rookie anymore. This is my second year here,” You mentioned, looking towards the two guys. Brady looked impressed whereas Tim’s eyes went large and his jaw slack a little.

“How?” He asked, and you laughed. The three of you turned a corner, and you walked slightly faster to talk.

“I graduated high school pretty early. And then took my statistics undergrad at the University of Ottawa. I minored in sports studies and I met your GM at a conference for the department. When he found out I was in Ottawa alone, he kinda took me under his wing, checked in every now and again. When I graduated two years ago, he offered me an analyst position and I was lucky enough to land it. I love working here, even if I’m way younger than everyone else. Last year, I stayed in my office a lot, double checking people’s work but this year, they gave me more responsibility. I’m excited for the challenge.”

“You are going to be great.” Tim said, meeting your eyes, his gaze showing that his comment was genuine. You ducked away from his gaze but muttered a ‘thanks’. The three of you rounded another corner, Brady ducking out to talk to a reporter, but Tim said he’d help you find the coach.

You settled into a comfortable silence as you walked beside each other through the chilled hallways. He abruptly took a left turn, cutting you off and causing you to bump into him. You immediately apologized, this being the second time today you’d run into a hockey player.

“‘S my fault, I’m still getting used to the new arena,” He said, a sheepish smile appearing on his face. He nodded his head down the hallway, as a silent ‘after you’ and you started walking. As you got further down, you realized Tim walked you out to the bench. The light became brighter, the air a little crisper, and the floor turned from a concrete grey to a bright red. Your eyes wandered up, admiring the view from down here. You’d be truthful earlier, you’d only ever visited your office. But from down here, you could see everything- the thousands of seats, the banners hanging from the ceiling, the crystal white ice. You stood close to the wall, as if to try to intimidate a fly on a wall, seeing everything as if you weren’t there. You could feel Tim could up from behind you, letting you take it all in for the first time.

“That’s Coach,” He leaned closer to you as he pointed across the ice towards someone in a tracksuit. You nodded and although Tim dropped his hand, he stayed close to you. The coach eventually noticed the two of you and started to skate over to the bench. Tim cleared his throat and you looked at him.

“I got to- I have to go now, but, um, I’ll see you around?” You nodded to his question, a soft smile on your lips. He rocked back and forth on his heels, as if he knew he had to leave but he kept getting pulled towards you. “Good luck with the season.”

“Good luck with yours too.” At that he turned away from you, and you turned to the coach, pulling out your file folder to talk with him.

***

A week or two later and the start of the season was upon the Canadian Tire Centre. The home opener was in a few days and your week had been hectic, trying to get notes from practices and implement what you saw into your analysis. After a morning full of spreadsheets, you decided to take your lunch break in your sanctuary. Last year, the arena felt too big to stick around in on your lunch break. So you had headed outside, where you discovered a small hiking trail about a ten minute drive from work. It quickly became a place where you went whenever you needed to clear your head. And after the morning you had, it was the perfect place to go, so you hopped in your car and started towards it.

At the top of the hill, you put the car in park, grabbed your lunch bag and started towards your spot. It was past the picnic tables that had a nice view of the suburbs, but it wasn't secluded. Your spot was off the beaten path, but there was a small ledge with a perfect view of the arena, highway, and surrounding green spaces. You turn the corner, ducking under a tree branch, ready to exhale the heck of the morning you had.

But there was already someone sitting in your spot. Their head was down, but you recognized the logo and number 18 on their hoodie. Cautiously, you approached him.

“18...Is it okay if I sit here?” You asked, and his head shot up. He shot you a small smile and quick nod. You sat down, placing your bag in front of you, taking out a granola bar.

“You can call me Tim, you know. That is my name,” You gave him a shy smile and you could feel your cheeks heat up at his comment.

“I didn’t think anyone knew about this place, Tim,” You mentioned quietly. It felt weird, to be honest, to be sharing your spot with someone, but it didn’t feel like he was intruding.

“My city in Germany has a lot of parks. There’s a forest near my house where I’d go when I needed a break. This is the closest I could find near the rink. I hope you don’t mind?”

“Just don’t go telling the whole team about our place,” you winked at him and took a bite of your snack.

“I can keep a secret, don’t worry.” He laughed lightly and sent you a smile.

“I don’t know if you remember me but-”

“You’re the analyst, you graduated super early right? Y/n, yeah?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” You smiled at him. “So, how are you liking Ottawa?”

“It’s alright, I haven’t seen very much of it. The ice is very good. My house is nice.” He shrugged and you gaped at him.

“That’s all you’ve seen? So you haven’t been to Parliament Hill or ByWard market or…?” you trailed off when you saw him biting his bottom lip and slowly shaking his head. “Well, you are missing out, you should go see the city sometime.”

“Do you think you could show me around? You seem to know all the best places,” He offered. You met his eyes and nodded. He dug his phone out of his pocket, passing it over to you. You raised your eyebrows at the gesture but he just pushed his phone closer to you. Silently, you imputed your number, placing a small graph emoji beside your contact name. You handed it back to him and a small smirk graced his face when he saw the emoji, before he pursed his lips at the device. You furrowed your eyebrows.

“Sorry, it’s all good. Thank you. It’s- I have to go back now, but I’ll text you, yeah?” You nodded as he handed back your phone. He walked towards the parking lot, but turned around to wave at you before he disappeared around the bend.

Later that day as you sat in the stands, a clipboard and pen in your hands, you got a text from an unknown number.

Hi

It's 18 :)

You chuckled at his use of his number and texted him back.

i thought you said i could call you tim? :(

also it’s practice?? how are you on your phone?

It starts in a couple minutes

your teammates are already on the ice

Spying on me already??

it’s literally my job to watch you practice

Guess I'll see you in the stands then :)

Oh and I'm free this weekend for that showing of the city, team bonding’s on friday

i’ll check my schedule and get back to you

now get out on the ice or you’re going to be late :)

***

You had checked your schedule, and agreed to meet that Saturday. You said you’d pick him up since you knew more of the city. You didn't want to be late so you arrived five minutes early in front of Tim's place. He walked out in his signature backwards snapback, some curls poking out the front, and a monochromatic beige outfit. Waving animatedly at you, he jogged to the car, his ever present smile on his face.

The twenty minutes ride into the city was quiet yet comfortable. A few words were exchanged about how each other’s day was so far but nothing groundbreaking. The low hum of the engine filled the silence as you drove into the city.

After parking in a Superstore (‘Free parking in downtown Ottawa is hard to come by, Tim. We’re parking in the grocery store parking lot’) and walking a few blocks, you come to the far end of the market. Lined with local businesses and brick streets, it felt homey. Tim smiled as it reminded him of back home.

“So, what are we going to see first? Your school?” He asked as the two of you walked along the streets. You laughed and shook your head.

“Pfft no. It isn’t all that interesting. I figured we’d see some of my favourite places, if that’s okay?” He assured you it was and the two of you continued through the streets, Tim with his head down as you passed people. He wasn't famous just yet, but in Canada you find hockey fans at every corner. Soon, you arrived in a small plaza with coloured picnic tables and muskoka chairs.

“Ta-da!” You gestured to the large block letters that spelled ‘Ottawa’ in the middle of the space. “It’s not much, but you’ve got to be a tourist in your own city at least once right?” He laughed along with you and you got out your phone, ready to take a picture of him so he could send it to his parents. You thought he would want a picture of him but he was quick to insist you had to be in the picture as well.

“I’m sorry, but would you mind taking a picture of us?” You asked one of the girls who were taking turns with the Ottawa sign.

“Oh sure!” You stood beside him, between the two ‘T’s in Ottawa, his arm slung over your shoulders. You smiled and looked up at Tim to see him smiling as well- and not one of those classic boy coy half smiles, a genuine one. She took a few landscape and a few portrait ones before handing your phone back. “You two are such a cute couple!”

Before you could correct the girl, Tim answered for you. “We’re just friends actually.” She apologized profusely before rejoining her group. You shuffled your feet as an awkward silence overcame you for the first time since you’d met. Your body shivered and you promptly changed the subject.

“Hey, you hungry?” He shrugged and nodded. You nodded and led him away from the sign, through a few back alleys lined with a few merchants, home artists and such. You entered a building, bustling with people. It was long and narrow, with brick flooring and merchants on either side of the middle. There were lots of people, ranging from people doing their weekly grocery shopping to tourists looking for souvenirs. You weaved between strollers and friend groups, Tim grabbing your hand to avoid getting lost. He kept his head low, hoping it would disguise him enough. This day was about you and him, not you, him and the hockey world. Eventually, the two of you exited the indoor market and came to a small opening. Instead of staying in the opening, you turned left, tugging Tim across the street to two small shacks, one red and one blue. The red one had a classic fairytale vibe to it, with beige wainscotting, red painted window frames, and topped with a white and light brown canopy over the window. Underneath the canopy, there was a string of small Canadian flags.

“Do you trust me?” He arched one of his eyebrows but nodded. “I’ll be right back.” Confused, Tim stood there as you walked up the window, spending no time looking at the menu as you ordered. He looked above the shack to see in fancy lettering the word BeaverTails. When you came back, you were holding two paper containers and had a smile on your face. He looked at the sign and then back to the bags in your hands.

“A beaver’s… tail?” You laughed at him and handed him his BeaverTail.

“It’s not actually a beaver’s tail. It’s just a fried pastry that looks like one. They come in lots of flavours but I got you the best one, cinnamon sugar.” You could tell he was hesitant but bit into his and you took a bite of your own.

Almost instantly, he groaned. “Do you take every guy here? Wow. Oh my god,” He got cinnamon smeared over his chin and you laughed as he tried to wipe it off while holding his pastry.

“Hilarious Tim, but I’ll have you know you’re like my only friend here. So… no I don’t take anyone here.” He scoffed and you raised your eyebrows.

“You’re joking. How do you not have other friends? You’re great,”

“I started university as a 16 year math major. It’s not a surprise people didn’t want to talk to me. But it’s okay. I’m used to it by now.”

“Don’t you have people from home come and visit?”

You scoffed. “I don’t really get along with my mum. We moved around a lot when I was younger and I always sorta resented her for not seeing how it affected me. And then, when I got accepted to school out here, she sold the house and started travelling. Last I talked to her, she was in Tahiti.” He raised his eyebrows.

“What about your dad? Or brothers or sisters?” You swallowed your piece of BeaverTail before answering him.

“I have an older sister, Dani. But she’s eight years older than me, so we're not the closest. She checks in every week or so because she knows my mum doesn't. She’s never come out to visit though, she runs her own business back in Seattle.”

“It must be nice to have someone though. Especially when you were growing up. What about your dad?”

“I don’t- I don’t talk about my dad.” You picked at the pastry before changing the topic. “C’mon, you have to see this place.” You gestured to a side street and the two of you made your way towards your favourite destination. You exited beside a taller building and you pressed the button to allow the two of you to cross the street. As you were waiting for the light to turn, you turned to Tim.

“So, I’m guessing you don’t have any siblings then?”

“No, but the guys at the rink were like my brothers so it wasn’t bad.” The light turned red, and the ‘walk’ light turned on. You made your way across, staying close to each other as people walked both ways.

“Hockey tends to do that,”

“Is that why you picked to work in hockey?”

You glared at him as you made it across the street. “That’s personal.”

“We’re friends, aren’t we? Friends share personal stuff.”

“That’s… it’s just different.” You shook your head and lowered the volume of your voice. “Besides, we’re here.” The two of you had stopped in front of some shallow steps that led to a tall archway, with black statues underneath and on top of the arch. It had some engravings on it, both small and large letters. From where they were standing, Tim could make out some numbers, but not well enough to understand the significance. Behind the monument and slightly to the right was the green tipped roof and gothic architecture of the Parliament building.

“What is this place?” He tilted his head as he looked at the arch in the middle of the square. To him, it wasn’t anything special, perhaps another statue of one of the colonizers of the country.

“It’s Canada’s war memorial.” You whispered, and he nodded, clasping his hands in front of his body and lowering his head. “When I was going to school, I’d come here at least once a week.”

His head stayed where it was but he raised his eyes to meet yours. “Why?”

“I know it’s not exactly everyone’s favourite place...because I know so many people died for the country, but for me, it’s a place of silence. Of reflection. It reminds me to be grateful for everything I have. Some days school would be really bad, so this place was perfect to sit and remember that life isn’t bad at all. Not when I was in a safe country, not when I had an education, not when I had a warm house to go back to.”

He nodded. “That seems...perfect. Some days are too loud, there’s too many people saying stuff. I get that.” His voice was quiet as well, as he lifted his head to focus on the stonework and engravings. The two of you stood in silence in front of the memorial for a few minutes more before you tugged on his arm.

“See that building?” You leaned in close to him, your finger extending to point at a building in the distance, a little taller than the ones around it. “That’s the university’s mathematics and physics department. I had most of my classes in that building.” He nodded, leaning in closer to you, your heads almost touching. You lowered your hand and nodded with your head towards the way you came.

“C’mon, we’re not done yet. You’ve got to see the Parliament building.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and headed left towards it. You quickly grabbed his hand and pulled him right. “I’m the tour guide, remember? Trust me, there’s a better view.” You dropped his hand as he started to walk in time with you but you had to shove it in your pocket to replace the heat his hands gave you.

A quick ten minutes walk later and you stood atop a hill overlooking the river. It was a large park with benches and an eccentric art installation in the corner. You walked close to the peak of the hill and stopped, breathing in the fresh air.

“There is Canada’s capital building. It’s nicer to see it from here than from the front where there’s a bunch of tourists. Besides, from here, you get to see more of the architecture.” The building was across the river, its massiveness more pronounced from your viewpoint. There was a dome nearest the river that was covered in flying buttresses, each support beam having intricate details that stood out. The clock tower and green tinted roof completed the gothic look.

“This view is better. Quieter. It reminds me more of home,” You bump your shoulder against his lightly.

“Glad you like it.” The two of you stood in silence until Tim shivered, at which case you decided you should start heading back. If the hockey player was cold, it was cold enough for you too.

The walk and drive back was uneventful, aside from the two of you passing jokes back and forth. When it came to drop him off, he unbuckled his seatbelt but didn’t make an effort to leave the vehicle.

“How much for our snack? I’ll pay you back,”

You waved him off. “It was my treat, don’t worry about it.” He pursed his lips, then shook it. He pulled out his phone from his pocket. A few seconds later, your phone dinged. You glared at him as you opened the text to see an e-transfer. Before you could protest, he cut you off.

“You never said I couldn’t pay for your gas," He laughed, and despite your annoyance at the loophole, you found yourself laughing along with him. He had that effect on you; he seemed to be able to ease any tension you held. “I had a good time today. Maybe we could meet again sometime?”

“I’d like that. I’ll see you at the rink?” He nodded before getting out of your car, waving like he did that morning as you drove off to your place. When you arrived home, you saw a new text from him.

Can you send those pictures you took today?

You tried to suppress a smile, sending them over to which he responded with a ‘Thank youuuu’. You set your phone on your nightstand and turned off the light. Despite your efforts, you fell asleep with a smile on your face from a perfect day with a great person.

***

“Hey, Numbers!” You stopped in your tracks and turned around to see Brady sticking his head out of the dressing room. He had taken a liking to calling you that, especially as you had started hanging around the house more. It was nice, movie nights and sometimes you’d take a pre-game nap with Tim, you had even stayed for lunch at Tim’s request. At this point, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for Brady to shout the nickname from anywhere. Practice had ended and you had given your notes to the coach about what to focus on for the Toronto game. “You didn’t happen to see Jimmy, did you?” When you shook your head, his face scrunched into a small frown.

“Where’d he go? Didn’t media like just end?”

He shrugged. “He didn’t even bother to change from media, he just stalked out. He didn’t say anything to any of the guys, so I thought you might’ve seen him.”

“I’ll keep a lookout for him,” You told Brady before he returned to finish dressing and you returned to your office. But even after you’d settled back into your work, there was a feeling in your stomach you couldn’t quite place. Sending a quick text off to Tim, asking where he was, you dove back into work. But it only took five minutes before you were checking your phone, seeing if he’d read the text or responded. When neither happened, you gave him a call. It sent you straight to voicemail and you hung up before you could leave a message. The feeling in your stomach grew and you packed up your bag, knowing no more work would get done tonight. It wasn’t like Tim to sulk or get in his head; he was a generally happy guy. Something must have set him off for him to be acting this way -- even with you. And if it was something this big, there was only one spot he would’ve gone.

“Brady said you stalked out of media. Figured I’d find you here.” He turned around at the sound of your voice, his shoulders dropping a little. He shrugged, which you took as your cue to take a seat beside him at your lookout space. The sun was setting, the golden hour light reflecting on his stress lines, and the sky was littered with wispy clouds.

Your hands were in the pockets of your hoodie, your legs tucked together. Despite being here for close to six years, the Canadian chill always surprised you. You sat with your shoulder pressed to his, a silent symbol of you being there for him. With his head down, he mumbled something too quiet for you to hear, so you leaned your head down to hear him better. At your movement, he huffed and lifted his head.

“I’m supposed… They wanted me to come and make a difference and to help win games. But I’m not helping! I’m supposed to be putting up points and helping win games, but we’re still losing! Like, why do I suck?”

Your chest got tight at his words. “Tim…”

“You can’t deny it, the numbers say we’re losing.”

“Losing doesn’t mean you aren’t producing. This is your first year in the NHL, you wouldn’t be here if they didn’t think you were worth it. Hockey is a team sport, it isn’t just your job to win the game.”

“But they wouldn’t have gotten me right out of the World Juniors if they didn’t need me to start making an impact right away! They were counting on me. And I’m not living up to it….”

“You are nineteen years old. Nineteen. The five other rookies ahead of you in points are all at least two years older than you. Let that sink in. You have so many years ahead of you. And secondly, no one here is expecting you to turn this team around. McDavid’s first year he didn’t turn the team around. And sure, yeah, the next year, the Oilers had more success but guess what? They missed the playoffs the next three years. Hockey is a team sport, one person, not even McDavid, can completely turn a team around. No one is expecting you to turn this team around in one season. This isn’t on you.”

“But the numbers…”

“Are you going to trust the analyst on the numbers or the assholes on Twitter?” He glared at you but let you continue on. “If you really want to talk numbers, we aren’t last in the league anymore. We’ve beat the top team in the division a couple times now. You’re putting up points, you’re helping us win. Cut yourself some slack. You’re nineteen and living in a new country. This team isn’t expecting you to be Ottawa’s saviour, okay?”

“There’s pressure to be better though! Everywhere I go, I just see how I should be doing more, how if I don’t produce more, I’m going to be a draft bust. I’m the young guy, I’m supposed to be the new blood and be able to make a difference. I feel like I’m letting everyone down.” His words lingered in the sunset glow, a contrast to the darkness he was feeling. You fell silent at his outburst, the air feeling too quiet, even with his heavy breathing. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

You ignored his apology, knowing he would never intentionally hurt you. “I graduated with a 3.8 GPA. I didn’t have enough job experience but my grades were one of the only reasons I was able to get hired so young. My first year, all I did was double check other people’s stats and predictions, and it was okay. No one expected much out of me because I was young and they didn’t really give me any responsibilities. But this year… they’re looking to me more. Teams with more than two analysts are more likely to produce teams that make the playoffs. I’m number three; I should be helping make a better team. But I’m not. I’m not getting the numbers we need or the stats we need. I know more updated methods and technologies but...it’s just not working. I’m not finding solutions to problems that this team has had for years. And the board and my colleagues see that. I know I shouldn’t worry about them firing me, but I still do. I mean, I’m not producing, why would they keep me around? This wasn’t what they wanted when they gave me the job.”

“They won’t fire you, you’re doing your best. And you’re young, you graduated early. They have to give you a chance to prove yourself in the workplace before they fire you.”

“You wanna take your own advice?” He flushed at your words, but you smiled. “Thanks, though.” He nodded and looked out over the suburbs surrounding the arena.

“The pressure in this league sucks.” He said and you leaned your head on his shoulder.

“Yeah. It does. But we’ll get through it right?”

“We’ll figure something out. Together.” He placed his hand on your thigh and the two of you looked out at the sunset, his touch lingering on your body until the sun disappeared behind the horizon. Silently, he helped you to your feet, and walked you to your car, making sure you got in okay, before he got into his car. On the drive home, your chest felt lighter from the conversation.

***

The final buzzer rang, signalling a 4-2 win for the Senators. You smiled at the scoreboard and gathered your papers. The game was nothing spectacular, but for you, it was a career defining game. Some of the lines you'd suggested were risky, but you had the numbers to back it up, and it worked. It worked. The conversation with Tim earlier last week helped with your confidence to take risks in terms of your analytic advice.

You went back to your office after the game, wanting to type up a report of how you impacted tonight's outcome. If it worked this time, who's to say it couldn't work again? But in a higher stakes game? You felt like you were finally contributing to the team, and damn, it felt good.

Your office was barely even that. It was small, but you had a desk, a window, and your name on the door. It was enough for your first major gig. You'd made it a little homey-er with a small succulent and some motivational quotes. You opened up your laptop and began to type up a document report. The words flowed from your fingers and you used the numbers you counted from the box to back up your findings. Time seemed to stand still as you typed, the document becoming longer and longer.

A knock broke your train of thought and you looked up to see Tim poking his head through your office door. He had a shy smile on your face and you shook the writing haze out of your eyes.

"Hey! Come on in," He nodded, closing the door behind him before leaning against the wall. "You played a good game." His cheeks flushed and he lifted his hat, running his fingers through his hair.

"Thanks, thank you. Anyway, did you eat yet?"

"I mean, I had an iced coffee before the game and a granola bar during the second period. So yeah?" Immediately he started shaking his head and he pushed himself away from the wall. You open your hands as if to say 'what’?" and he outstretched his hand to you.

"Coffee and a granola bar isn't a meal. Let's go get some real food, I'm hungry." He made a grabby hand with his outstretched hand and you sighed.

"I have to finish my report, I can't." He sighed, pushed your laptop shut, and grabbed your hand.

"That can wait. Besides, the boys went out and I need a ride home." He flashed you a shy smile and you rolled your eyes, before picking up your bag and leaving your office with him. You tried not to notice how Tim was still holding onto your hand, but as he tugged you along to a quiet area of the concourse, it was difficult to do. He stopped at a small table with two bar stools. He let go of your hand, cold enveloping you, and you hung your bag on the back of the chair. As you hopped onto the chair, he stayed standing, tapping his fingers on the tabletop.

“What do you want to eat?" When you shook your head again, he pulled out his puppy dog eyes. "Tim, seriously, I'm fine."

"I'm getting some fries and you will eat some of them. Deal?" Your face pulled into a frown and he repeated himself. "Deal?"

"Yes, Mom, deal."

He gave himself a self assured smile. "Great. I'll be right back."

A few minutes later he came back with a container of fries and two small containers. He set them down in front of you before he got seated. A closer look at the container showed one was ketchup and the other was…

"Is this mayo?" He picked up a fry, dipped it in the white substance, and popped it into his mouth. With his mouth full, he nodded. "You eat your fries with mayonnaise?"

"You don't?"

"No!" You shook your head. He took another fry, dipped it again, and ate it.

"You have to try it, it's good!"

“No, no thank you. You can keep your weird German eating habits to yourself." You laughed, dipping a fry in ketchup before eating it.

"Nope, you've got to try one. Please?" You scrunched up your nose, and he held out a white coated french fry. You gave in, taking it from his hands and shoving it in your mouth. You chewed it slowly, contemplating the taste.

"It's...not horrible." He raised his eyebrows at you. "Fine, it's alright." He gave you another look, a small smile forming on his face despite his efforts to hide it. "Okay, okay, I like it. Happy?" He let out a loud laugh.

"Yes! I knew you'd like it!" You laughed a little with him, before dipping another fry in the mayo and popped it in your mouth. The two of you ate in silence, the sounds of the zamboni in the background.

"Why didn't you go out with the guys? You had a good game,"

He shrugged. "I wanted something quieter. Besides, I was hungry and the guys wanted to go out to a bar. Bar food isn't exactly a meal."

"Neither is french fries,"

"Well, maybe, you're just better company than the guys."

"Damn right, I am." You smiled, tapped his fry with yours in a makeshift sort of 'cheers' way. When the two of you had finished your snack, you picked up the container and threw it in the compost bin near the table. You grabbed your bag off the chair, holding up your car keys. He got up off the table, joining you in a slow walk towards the parking lot.

You wished the custodians a good night as the two of you left the arena, the street lights in the parking lot illuminating the way to your car. Silently, you unlocked the car and you both got in. You gave him your phone, telling him to pick any playlist he wanted while you started the car. He picked one of your favourite playlists, a mix of relaxing beats and soft music, which was perfect for late night drives.

"You should have some lo-fi on here, it's a lot like this. I think you'd like it," he said, after you had merged onto the highway.

"Yeah?" He only nodded, allowing a comfortable silence to come back to the car. The rest of the drive was easy, the road being mostly empty and the music filling the car. He gave you quiet directions to the house, more points and here's than actual directions but you were able to find it.

"Thank you for the ride," He said, once you’d put the car in park.

"Thanks for sharing your food with me,” He shook his head and smiled at you, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

“I’ll always share with you.” You caught his gaze, his brown eyes filled with sincerity. You could feel your cheeks flush and you waved him out of your car.

“I gotta get home too, you know.” You joked and he got out, popping his head back into the doorway for a second.

“Text me when you get home, yeah?” You murmured an ‘of course’ and he nodded, closing the car door and making his way to his front door. You waited until he entered the house before you drove away, turning on a lo-fi playlist from Spotify.

***

“Your turn to pick the movie, but no subtitles please, I’m too lazy to read today.” You handed Tim the remote for his TV while you pulled the blanket closer to your chin. The October chill had settled in his apartment and you hadn’t dressed for his room to feel like the arena.

“Jimmy!” Someone called from the kitchen and a loud clang dissolved any annoyance Tim had from his roommate interrupting his time with you. He rushed to the kitchen and you followed behind shyly. There were platters across the kitchen island, each with a different coloured dish. It looked like there was a salad, a couple casserole dishes, and some plates of desserts. A taller brunette was standing in the kitchen, frantically gesturing between Tim and a pot on the stove. There was a lid on the ground, a splatter of pinkish red liquid surrounding it. You entered the kitchen, picked up the lid before placing it in the sink. The other guy was still explaining to Tim what exactly he wanted to do, even though his head was tilted like a confused puppy. You brushing him aside llightly, grabbing the spoon Tim was holding to stir the pinkish red liquid on the stove. You sent him a small smile back over your shoulder and all you could see in his eyes was relief.

“Thank you!” The oven beeped and you noticed an embroidered #9 on the roommate's Senator sweats. You moved to the side to allow him to get another baking dish from the oven. He placed it on the stovetop and took off his oven mitts. “Thank you for doing that. I didn’t think he’d be that helpless in the kitchen.”

“I’m surprised anyone in this house can actually cook,” You laughed. The liquid that smelled of oranges and cranberries started to boil, so you reduced the heat and continued to stir it. You look at the baking dish that he brought out of the oven. “Are those brussel sprouts?”

“Yeah! My mom’s recipe; they’re delicious! Do you like them?”

“They’re one of my favourites! My recipe uses bacon though.”

“Oh nice! You’ll have to share it with me, I’d love to try it. And, sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Josh,”

“I know.” He shot you a look and you backtracked. “I-Sorry, it’s just-I actually work with you? I’m in the analytics department, so I know your jersey number and I saw it on your sweats and put two and two together. I’m not being a creep, I’m sorry.” The sound of laughter behind you made you blush.

“Not being a creep my ass. They did the same thing when me and Jimmy ran into them for the first time!” Brady commented, walking into the kitchen. He was wearing a nice pair of dress pants and a button up shirt. You shook your head before nodding towards his attire.

“Going somewhere nice?” He looked down at his outfit and shook his head.

“It’s Thanksgiving? It’s why they gave us the day off?” That...that would explain the amount of food in the kitchen. No matter how many years you lived here, you’d always forgotten that Canadian Thanksgiving was a whole month earlier. You placed the stir spoon on a plate next to the pot and wiped your hands on your pants.

“Oh! Um, right, well, uh in that case, I should be, I should get going. You guys must have plans. Nice to meet you Josh.” You made your way out of the kitchen to the foyer where your coat and shoes were without so much as a goodbye to the guys. You could hear Tim coming after you, his steps lighter and more graceful than Brady or Josh’s. But, he didn’t make a move to do anything except stare at you as you got ready to leave. It wasn’t until you were getting ready to put on your shoes that he spoke.

“You should just stay. We’ve got lots of food.”

“Oh, I don’t want to intrude…”

“Brady’s bringing his girlfriend and a couple other of the guys are coming over. You wouldn’t be intruding.”

“I really shouldn’t…”

“You should. Why won’t you stay?”

“I don’t know if you have this holiday in Germany, but Thanksgiving is a family thing, Tim.” You sighed. “Besides, shouldn’t I have brought something? Am I even dressed okay?” You looked down at your outfit - a simple pair of jeans and one of your comfiest graphic tees. He shrugged.

“Don’t worry about that. You look great, just enjoy the night with me. Stay? Please? C’mon schatz, you’re like my family to me.” The two of you maintained eye contact until you broke it and took off your coat. You could see Tim’s smile widen and when it came to walking back into the kitchen, he extended his arm. You took it and the two of you made your way back towards what would end up being a wonderful evening full of laughs and smiles shared between friends.

***

You had come over for a trashy reality TV binge after a particularly hard day at work. None of the numbers were adding up the way you needed them to and your laptop was having a hissy-fit all day. Soon enough, you called it a day and texted Tim, telling him you’d be over in twenty minutes. He greeted you at the door with your favourite chocolate treat, a box of Timbits, and “there’s popcorn in the microwave right now, it’s almost done”. You could’ve melted right on the spot. Instead, you made your way over to the couch where you collapsed and pulled the blanket he had already set out for you up to your chin. You breathed in the smells of pine and sock tape and felt your body relax. HGTV played in the background while you waited for him to bring the popcorn out when his phone dinged.

“Tim, your phone!” You yelled to him from across the living room.

“Who is it?” You sighed and moved from your comfortable spot on the couch to check his messages. You turned on the phone to see a message from Josh, saying he’s five minutes away. You went to lock the phone, seeing the unimportance of the message but something caught your eye. You swiped to clear the notification and his background came into focus. It was the two of you standing in front of the Ottawa sign at ByWard market, his arm around your shoulders and a grin on both your faces.

“Who was it?” He entered the room as he repeated his question.

“Just Josh,” you whispered, turning around to face him holding up his phone. “Am I your lock screen?” He blushes, opening his mouth stammering for words. “I am! I knew I was important to you.” You poked him a couple times for an extra tease when his face settled into a small pout and he retaliated by tickling you. You shrieked and hopped up from the couch, laughing as he chased you around the house.

“Stop doing that!” He laughed as you escaped his clutches once more. Your laugh echoed through the house as he tried again to try to tickle you, but you grabbed Josh and used him as a human shield.

“No fair schatz,” He relented his tickling and sat on the couch. You took a seat beside him, but kept your distance in case he decided to start his torture again.

“You know, you’ve never told me what that means,” You look over to him and he’s already scratching the back of his neck.

“What what means?”

“That thing you keep calling me. Like shats?”

Josh laughed and spoke up. “It means swe-”

“Friend! It means friend!” Tim interrupted loudly, his cheeks rosy. “It means friend.” You raised your eyebrows at his outburst and his explanation.

“You call your friends, ‘friend’?”

He scratched at his jaw and slowly nodded. “In my city, it’s common for friends to just call each other ‘friend’. It’s normal,” You managed out a ‘okay’ between breathy laughs, wondering why he was being so strange about it. It was just a nickname. But the blush in his cheeks didn’t diminish until well after Josh left the room, muttering under his breath about ‘idiots’, and you couldn’t help but think that maybe it meant more than Tim was letting on.

***

“Are you going to be at the gala on Saturday?” Tim asked you as the two of you ate (lunch for you, pre-practice snack for him) on the concourse. It was your first concourse snack since the All-Star break and you had missed him. WhatsApp messages and Instagram messages just weren’t the same as being in his presence. You finished your bite, and shook your head.

“It’s only for players isn’t it?”

“Would you want to come with me?”

“Like...as a date?” You looked up at him, your eyes wide. Maybe this was the clue you were waiting for.

“As friends?” Your eyes darted down onto the counter and Tim took that as a sign you didn’t want to go with him. “There’ll be puppies there.”

“Well,” you swallowed the lump in your throat, “If there’s going to be puppies, I need no more convincing.” You forced a smile onto your face and he returned the sentiment, before finishing up the food. You wished him good luck before the game, and left to go the the box.

Soon enough, it was Saturday night and you found yourself in front of the Fairmont Château. You gazed up at the stone walls and admired how the orange glow from the lights gave it such a warm feeling, compared to the shivers that were going up and down your back. You had found time to go and get a fancy outfit for the night, its gold fabric being a perfect fit on your body. Tim had told you he’d meet you inside, so walked upt the steps alone, avoiding the other guests in fancy attire. They looked like they belonged here. You couldn't relate. The front entrance of the hotel was exactly as you expected -- it had marble floors, crown moldings, and a domed ceiling. You followed the chatter to one of the conference rooms, someone offering to check your coat. With just your clutch, you entered the ballroom with the sound of your shoes following you.

You looked around to try to find Tim among the executives, easily spotting him when you heard Brady’s booming laugh in the corner. You made your way over to the group, including Brady, Josh, Drake, Tim and some respective dates. Josh waved at you and Tim turned around to see you walking towards him.

Tim stood there, memorized by the way the Senators gold fabric hugged your figure and the way your eyes had lit up when you saw one of the puppies. You came over to him, brushing his arm before joining the group. Hellos were thrown your way and it wasn’t long before everyone went back to their conversations and you were able to speak with Tim.

“You look handsome." You handed him your clutch, which he held unashamedly, as you adjusted his gold bowtie, letting your hands linger on the front of his chest. You gulped before snapping out of your trance and took your clutch back from him.

“Um, uh, thanks. You look...good too,” His voice was breathy and his cheeks had flushed a little. You smiled at him, before noticing another golden retriever stumbling around next to its trainer and darting off to pet it. Tim watched you go and he stood back, blown away by the way his heart was beating faster and how he couldn’t seem to get enough air into his lungs.

“You finally figured it out, huh?” He turned around at Drake’s voice. He had recognized the look on Tim’s face, it was the same one he had when he looked at his partner. Tim furrowed his eyebrows.

“Figured what out?”

Drake scoffed and took a gulp of his drink. “God, you already know and you’re denying it. You’re in love with them.” Tim shook his head, waving off the thought. You were his best friend, nothing more. “C’mon man, you can keep lying to yourself but it’s obvious to everyone else.” He was then swept away by a reporter, leaving Tim to his thoughts.

He wasn’t in love with you. He was sure of it. You were his best friend, his safe spot. It’s not like when he sees you his heart beats faster or he notices how your eyes crinkle when you laugh or when the sun hits your skin just right, you look like an angel. It’s not like the more he looks at your lips the more he wants to know if they taste like your sweet honey lip chap. It’s not like your smile could cure his darkest days or that he could see himself introducing you to his family as his partner.

Except it was like that.

Tim saw all of that with you. He saw more galas, more late night drives, lazy Sunday mornings. He wanted to see you after his games, not in your office, but in the tunnel where you’d be wearing his jersey and a special jean jacket. He wanted to take you home to meet his family, his hometown friends. He wanted to show you all the places that were special to him, just as you showed his places special to you. He wanted to meet Dani and see if she thought he was good enough to be your partner. As he stared at you petting the small golden pup, he realized Drake was right. He was in love with you.

He was in love with his best friend.

Fuck, what was he supposed to do now?

You didn’t give him too much time to think about that as you came up behind him, telling him everything about the golden retriever you just met. He smiled at you, and motioned with his head to find your seats as dinner was going to be served soon. You sat next to him, your leg brushing against his under the table. Even from that, he got shocks-- tiny lightning bolts trailing up his body. It was like every sense was heightened after he came to the realization that he loved you. How am I supposed to even act around them? He thought.

The meal passed without issue and while Tim went about schmoozing all the executives and donors, you stick with the other halves. You had already met Emma, Brady’s partner, and she introduced you to Dakota, Briar, and Marissa (she had also told you who they came with but that information had not stuck with you).

“Sooo… Emma, how’s the wedding planning going?” Briar asked. She had gotten engaged over the holiday break. She laughed and waved off the question.

“Oh, not at all! We’re just enjoying being engaged, it’s like the honeymoon phase all over again,”

“Just like you and Tim,” Dakota nudged you and wiggled her eyebrows. You coughed on your drink at her statement.

“What?” You managed to sputter. Emma looked uncomfortable but didn’t say anything. “What do you mean, like me and Tim?”

“Oh come on, it’s so obvious the two of you are in your honeymoon phase! Don’t be ashamed of it, you’re such a cute couple!”

“Ooh yes!! How his bowtie matched your outfit is like goals, I wish my boyfriend did that with me,” Marissa mentioned. Your voice felt caught in your throat and you were instantly aware of the breeze in the room and the sweat on the back of your neck.

“We’re just friends,” Your voice was small.

“I’ll believe that when pigs fly, babe. Oh, look, here comes your man.” Dakota winked at you before turning into her own date. You turn around quickly to see him walking over to you, laughing with Brady and Josh. Normally, the sight of him would calm you down. He was such a genuine person and you appreciated how you never had to shrink yourself to fit in with him. But with the girls’ comments, you suddenly couldn’t be around him. When his hand met the small of your back, you flinched before relaxing into his touch. It was just Tim, your Tim. It’s not a big deal unless you make it a big deal.

“Timmy, I was just telling Y/n what a cute couple you two are!”

“Well, what do they say? Oh right, they complete me,” He sent you a wink and pulled you closer to his side. You went stiff in his hold, and he noticed, instantly letting you out of his grip. You muttered out an excuse about work and said quick goodbyes to the group before you were out of the gala as fast as your shoes could allow. Your cheeks were hot with...embarrassment? No, that wasn’t quite it. But they were hot, and the room felt small with Dakota’s teasing so just needed to escape. You needed to have fresh air in your lungs, needed to feel the cool Ottawa air on your arms. Needed to be somewhere other than beside him and his light teasing that left your stomach in knots.

But you hadn't even reached the front door and grabbed your coat from the coat check when Tim caught up to you. He watched you try to put on your coat, as he rocked back and forth on his heels like that first day you met.

“Do you… do you actually have work in the morning or were you just saying that?” You looked up and met his eyes, the orbs holding a certain vulnerability you hadn’t seen before.

“I got called at the last minute. I forgot to tell you, Jody’s kid got sick so I’m covering the game on Sunday but I haven’t prepared my notes or anything and you know me, I’ve got to be prepared or I won’t make a coherent analysis and then I’m really in trouble-” Tim cut your rambling off with a murmur of your name and you slowed your frantic movements to look at him.

“We’re okay, right?”

You smiled at him before you walked out the glass door. “Yeah, we’re alright.”

***

Last night was confusing to say the least. You could still feel the heat in your cheeks from...embarrassment? No, it wasn’t that. It was more like you couldn’t stand around to see what he meant by his comment. You couldn’t stand around why everyone else say you as a couple when you knew you weren’t. But you were okay with not being a couple weren’t you?

It’s like not you liked him that way. Yeah, a simple smile from him could turn your day around and your concourse snacks were the highlight of your week. But that’s because he was your best friend. It’s not like you wanted to spend every morning waking up to him or spend your afternoons running your fingers through his hair. It’s not like you wanted to take him back to Seattle to meet Dani or how you wanted to wear his jersey to call him yours. It’s not like you daydreamed about him gently holding your hand as you walked through ByWard market or how soft his lips would be as he leaned in to kiss you or what his abs felt like without a shirt separating your fingers from his skin.

Except it was like that.

And then came the comment at the gala. Did that mean he liked you too? But he said you were just going as friends. Did he mean it platonically? What if you read things wrong? Fuck, why were feelings so complicated?

Dani, you needed to call Dani. She’d know what to make of all this. She picked up on the fourth ring. “Thanks for calling Books By The Ocean, may you please hold?”

“Dani, it’s me.” Hold music filled your ear and you rolled your eyes. A few minutes later, there was almost certainly a hole in your rug from your pacing and she finally picked up.

“Why’d you resort to calling the store? I would’ve answered my phone eventually,”

“Yeah, eventually. I just really need to talk to you now,”

“Okay, so what’s up?”

“There’s this guy…”

“Is it Tim? Please tell me it’s Tim.” When you didn’t answer, she rejoined before reeling it in and telling you to continue.

“Anyways...we’re pretty good friends, I've known him since like the start of the season, and I don’t know, like I think he likes me? And I mean, I like him, he’s really great but, like, I just-”

“Can you get to the point please?”

“I want to take the next step with him. I want to be more than friends with him. I want all those things but… I just seem frozen. Like when I think about telling him, my body feels like it won’t move. It feels like I’m underwater. But I want to do more with him. I want that. Why won’t my brain get that and let me… I don’t know, let me act on my feelings?”

“You’re protecting yourself. You’ve never got hurt before,” You scoffed at her statement.

“What do you mean, of course I have,”

“Okay, sure, when you scraped your knee or when Nancy Peters called you dumb in second grade but you haven’t got hurt before. You haven’t opened yourself up to someone and let someone into your heart and let them see you for who you are.”

“Well, yeah, okay, but that’s because they might not like what they see,”

She sighed. “You can’t go through life with your walls up, kiddo. It’s hard, but you have to trust yourself. You have to let yourself feel. You have to let people in. When we were little and moved around a lot, maybe it was a survival tactic. But you’ve been in Ottawa for close to five years now and have unpacked all your boxes? Have you had any friends over? You’ve put down roots there but you’re still holding onto a survival tactic when you need to be living, not just surviving.

“I let people in--”

“No. You don’t. Has Tim ever been in your apartment? Has he seen that even though you resent Mom, you still have family photos of the four of us in your living room? Does he know about Dad? You might have told him stuff but you’re still living behind walls.” She sighed.

“Look, I don’t mean to be hard on you, but I want to see you thrive kiddo. I want you to experience life, and yeah, hurt is a part of life. You aren’t doing life right if you come out unscathed. And sure, maybe he’s a great friend. But in some instances, that romantic partner can fill a more emotionally secure place. People usually place more trust in their partner than just a friend. You’ve got to open up to him more than you already have if you want more from him.”

“How do I do that?”

“You’ve got to figure that out on your own kiddo, but it probably wouldn’t hurt to talk to him. Honestly; no hiding behind your friendship.” You nodded to her advice, before realizing she couldn’t see you, and thanked her for her help. She hung up with the promise to chat again on Wednesday like you normally did. You threw your phone beside the sink and leaned your head against the cool counter.

Be honest with him

Okay, you could do that. Easy enough right? You just had to make a plan to tell him. You could do that.

***

You were walking through the halls close to the bench to deliver your latest stats to the coach. It was your job after the other analysts determined you “had the youngest feet” and could go scouring around to find the coach. You didn’t mind. Besides… if you just happened to bump into Tim while you were down here, well then that was a completely unplanned coincidence. Since the gala and your chat with Dani afterwards, you were feeling good about where you stood with Tim. And you’d made your plan. After the game, you’d meet up for after-game snacks like most home games and you had told yourself you’d talk to him then.

You had given the latest report to the coach on the bench, walking past the locker room towards the box when you heard Tim's voice.

“...I don’t know man, I just need a break from Y/n.” You stopped in your tracks. It wasn’t that you meant to be nosy, but at the mention of your name… you wanted to see what else he had to say. You hadn’t meant to smother him but you guess he saw it differently. Your shoulders dropped and you bit your lip.

“I only have a problem around them!” You could feel the breakfast in your stomach start to turn, the feeling of bile starting to rise up. A ringing started to fill your ears, the white static noise only being pieced by his once comforting voice.

“It’s just… We work together, you know? It’s awkward,” Where was this attitude when you were hanging out at the start of the season? Last week? If this is how he felt, why didn’t… what did he mean by his comment to Dakota?

His voice shook you out of your trance. “Like at the end of the day, I’m me… they pay me a lot to play my game and they’re...them.” At that, you rushed away from earshot. If that was how he really felt, then screw him. If he was the hockey star and you were just the analyst, then that’s what role you’d play. Nothing more, nothing less. And he wasn’t brave enough to say that to your face, you’d say it first.

This is why you didn’t open yourself up. If you were going to get hurt either way, it might as well be the least damaging option.

Over the next few games and practices, you kept your distance from the players. You avoided the bench, sending Jody to give reports to the coach. You kept your office door closed, the blinds closed, and you made sure to time your exits of the arena to avoid Tim. If avoiding him meant you avoided the inevitable conversation where he would tell you your flaws and point out every way you misread things, then you would do that.

After you heard that, you stopped going out of your way to pass by the boys in the arena. You went into your office, closed the door, and didn’t leave until you went home. When you had to sit in the stands for practices, you sat higher than you used to and ignored the waves and stared you got from the team. He sent the occasional text but you replied with an im busy too many times that he stopped trying. It was odd to you how he kept reaching out when he was the one who said he needed a break but you ignored that voice in your head.

It was a Friday when he finally confronted you. You had been so close to leaving the arena, just one more hallway, and you would’ve been out the door and into the parking lot. He had called your name and you tried to turn the corner without him but he caught up easily, grabbing your wrist to get you to stay.

“What’s up? It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever,” He let go of your wrist as you turned to face him.

“Well that’s what happens when you’re a bigshot NHL player and I’m a lowly analyst.” He squinted his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows at your statement.

“What?”

“Look, I don’t-- I don’t think we should be friends anymore,”

He slowly nodded, thinking your words over in his head. “Okay. Um...I think… yeah, that could be good. I don’t think we should be just friends either.” He shot you a shy smile with a spark of hope in his eyes but you frowned.

“Good. It’s settled then.” You turned on your heel and walked away from him, only wiping your teary eye once you had rounded the corner, refusing to let him see you cry. You missed the way he frowned as you retreated.

The weekend was spent in bed, repeat episodes of Loki playing in the background. Loki never hurt you the way Tim had, the way his words dug into your insecurities of being alone creating a wound like no other. You had turned your phone off earlier as it kept buzzing with messages from him. You didn’t want to hear his excuses of why and you didn’t want to explain that you’d overheard his conversation. But the season wasn’t over yet so you gave yourself two days to grieve. When Monday morning came, it was like nothing had ever happened.

Tim caught you in the main entrance way at the rink. It was close to 8am and you knew he didn’t have practice until 11, so it was obvious he was waiting for you. You walk right past him until he softly calls your name and you stop walking, but don’t turn around. “Why are you ignoring me?”

“You know why.” You whipped around and scoffed at him. “And you know what else? If you had a problem with me, you could’ve just said something. You didn’t have to keep hanging out with me.”

“What?”

“I think we should just keep this professional, 18. I’m nothing more than a background analyst to your hockey superstar, so let’s just stick to our jobs, yeah?”

“What are you talking about?”

“We work together, we shouldn’t be friends, you said it yourself. It’ll be better this way. Now, please, just leave me alone.” You brushed by him, bumping your shoulder with his, and you missed the way his jaw fell open at how quickly your relationship seemed to change.

He seemed to leave you alone after that. He didn’t check in and he didn’t send funny memes he found. He didn’t text you to tell you he landed safely on road trips and you didn’t congratulate him on a game well played. You could tell Brady and Josh thought it was weird but didn’t say anything, just gave you pitying looks when you passed by or caught their eye in the halls.

The Senators failed to clinch a playoff spot, thanks to an overtime loss to Winnipeg. The end of the season for you was nice. It meant a shift in your work to more prospects, and thankfully, a more flexible work schedule. You didn’t have to go into the arena and most of the players went back to their hometowns to visit. It was supposed to be a reprieve for you, knowing Tim wasn’t even in the country. It was supposed to be relaxing, going to all the places that had helped you in the past to regroup your thoughts.

But instead, it felt suffocating, strolling through the market. You’d been here thousands of times to clear your head, but this time the deeper you walked, the more the thoughts in your head swirled into a hurricane.

You’d never know what home felt like. You’d had friends tell you it’s having like extended family over around the holidays or it’s the peacefulness they felt at their lake house. You thought you had found it in Ottawa, its quaintness and history bringing you a sense of calm you hadn’t had before. But only with Tim did you feel that inner peace that home felt like. Only with Tim did you feel like you could take on the world. Only with Tim did you feel whole.

And that was scary.

Feeling like one person could complete you, like they had a piece of your heart you didn’t know you gave them, was scary. You were used to being on your own. You’d done it throughout your levels of schooling and throughout the beginnings of your career. And all it took for that strength to come crashing down was a bashfully confident German hockey player.

He couldn’t even tell you why. It would’ve hurt more to hear the exact reasons why you weren’t good enough for him, but it would have quelled your mind from picking on every single insecurity your mind could come up with.

Before you knew it, you were staring at the Ottawa sign. You glanced around to see couples waiting for their turn at the sign. Some of the guys had their arms around the shoulders’ of their girlfriends. Some of the girls had their hands clasped in their girlfriends’. Some people had their arms around the waist of their partner. But they all had a smile on their face, a fondness that was reserved for the love of their life.

Your eye caught the sight of a backwards Senators cap and your head whipped around. The person was tall and was wearing a grey hoodie. The man turned to the side and you caught a glance of the brown tufts of hair that stuck out of the cap. He threw his head back and the corners of your mouth turned up. Tim’s laugh was always infectious, even if you were upset with him.

But it wasn’t him.

He hadn’t reached out since the day in the hallway. As much as you knew you didn’t want to hear him say things more hurtful than what you overheard, you couldn’t help but wonder where you went wrong. The what-ifs tumbled around in your head, the possibilities of why suddenly your friendship was too much for him.

As you stood there in the market, the memories racing through your mind mixed with images of happy couples all around you, you knew you had to get out. You don’t really remember the rush of leaving, all you know is that the city that felt big for so many years now felt too small. You can’t go anywhere without being reminded of him, his smile, his laugh. How his eyes glimmer from the light of a movie. You drove yourself to the airport, knowing there wasn’t going to be a cab this early in the morning.

Before you knew it, you were standing outside of the familiar blue painted bookstore with your duffle bag in your hands. It was raining and overcast in Seattle, which wasn’t unusual, but even the fat teardrops felt melancholic. The sign in the window said closed, but you knew Dani would be in the back, organizing new stock. You knocked on the window, the sound rattling through the worn building. A few seconds later, her head of light pink hair came to the door, opening it. Before she could question your presence, you spoke.

“He didn’t want me,” you cried. “He didn’t even see all of me and he didn’t want me.” You dropped your bag as she pulled you into a hug. One hand cradled the back of your head as she pulled you out of the rain and into the store. You inhaled her scent, a mix of sea salt and the old bookstore, and squeezed her tightly. When she released you from the hug, she tucked a piece of hair behind your ear, her fingers grazing down your jaw. She gave you a soft smile, before walking to the back of the store, where her apartment was. Your shoes squeaked against the old hardwood floors as you followed her towards the kitchen, where you could smell a pot of tea brewing.

She was silent as she poured you a cup, kissed your head, before whispering everything was going to work out. She slipped out of the room, giving you your space.

You didn’t even have to ask. Dani let you stay with her for the summer, as long as you helped out around the store when you weren’t doing your own work. She didn’t push you for details about Tim, she just let you be. You tried your best to be cheery around the customers but that facade only lasted so long. When you were alone, you didn’t try to hide the emptiness you felt there.

***

Too soon did the days start to get shorter, the nights colder, the pitter-patter of raindrops became more constant which meant fall was coming. The season was starting up again, and you had to head back to Ottawa. This summer at home was a nice break but you knew that running away wasn’t going to solve all your problems. You were packing when a text from Josh came in.

So when are you getting in?

i land at 9pm on the 20th. Why?

Can’t I wonder when my friend gets into the city?

we’re friends?

Of course we are Numbers! I don’t share family recipes with just anyone :)

good to know thanks :)

You continued packing, thinking about what he said. You knew the two of you were friends, but he was Tim’s teammate. His roommate. To hear him say, regardless of where you and Tim stand, that you two were still good was a relief. As much as you’ve enjoyed your time away from the city, you missed work. You missed sitting in the arena, a brisk chill over your shoulder, the sounds of scraping ice and whistles. You missed the quaintness of Ottawa and, as much as he’d never let you forget it, you missed Josh’s cooking. Nights with Dani didn’t compare to nights with Brady (and sometimes Emma) and Josh.

Dani parked in the loading zone of the airport. She got out of the car to help with your bag, even though you had only brought one.

“Hey, listen, um. I know you don’t want to talk about what happened with Tim but… I think you need to talk to him.”

“Dani...”

“No, listen. I think you need some closure. You ran away from a city you haven’t left in five years, a city you so obviously love, because it hurt to think about him. Maybe closure means you talk to him. Maybe it doesn’t. But you’ve spent this whole summer looking lost, like you’re waiting for something to magically appear and make everything better. You look like you’ve lost a piece of yourself and you don’t know how to get it back. And that’s not you, kiddo. It’s never been you; you’ve always been so straightforward and sure of yourself. I want you to feel like yourself again, that’s all.”

“What if…” You swallowed the lump in your throat. “What if the piece of me that I lost isn’t something I can get back?”

“Then you fill it. It might not be perfect and maybe you need lots of tape, and maybe you accept that there will be small cracks in it, but those holes make your souls yours. It’s a part of life, and you can’t avoid it no matter how hard you try.” You pulled her in for a hug, some of the tears in your eyes dropping onto her shoulder.

“Thank you Dani. For everything.” She pulled back to wipe the tears from your face, a smile on her face.

“You know I’m always here for you, kiddo. Take care of yourself, okay?” You nodded, knowing if you spoke again, more tears would bubble over. You walked towards the departures gate, walking towards the reality you ran from.

Several hours later, you were happy to be back in Ottawa. You had missed it, as much as it pained you when you were here. Tim Hortons, bilingual signs, friendly smiles, and oh god you could have real poutine again. Yeah, it was nice to be back.

Dani’s words mulled over in your head throughout the flight, and continued to as you made your way through the airport. She was right, maybe you needed closure. Accept what happened and move on. You’d lost friends when you graduated early, you’d lost friends when you moved away. You’d lost friends before and this was no different.

Except you knew deep down it was different. It was Tim; it was always going to be different with him.

You shook your head, as if to physically rid yourself of the thought. If Tim didn’t want to be around you, then you weren’t going to waste your time waiting for him to show up. You’d suck it up everything you had to look at a stat, but other than that you’d focus on work, focus on proving yourself in the company. You started to walk towards where you’d parked your car (without wondering how much the parking was), ignoring the happy reunions of students and families. You had been perfectly fine being in Ottawa on your own until you realized how much better it could be when you had someone.

A hand grasped your wrist and instantly, you turned around and ripped your arm from the stranger. You looked up, first to see a bouquet of flowers made up of peach roses, white tulips, and hydrangeas. Behind the colours of the flowers, you see a familiar face, eyes full of sorrow and hope. Even when you were ignoring him, he was still so easy to read.

“Number 18.” You struggled to keep your voice even, but you lifted your head to appear as if he had no effect on him.

“Hi Y/n,” He met your eyes, which you quickly darted away. “These are for you.” He tried to hand the bouquet to you, but you shook your head.

“How did you know when I got in?” The coldness in your voice surprised Tim, but he didn’t show it, swallowing slowly before answering you.

“Josh told me." You folded your arms, your hands gripping your bag in case you needed to get away from this conversation.

“Josh mentioned it or you asked Josh?” When he didn’t answer, you knew it was the latter and scoffed at his sneaky actions. You quickly turned away from him and moved faster towards the exit. You heard him sigh from behind you and before you could make a sly comment about it beneath your breath, he was ahead of you, blocking your way. You tried to side-step him, but hockey reflexes prevailed. You glared his way and tried again, silently begging him to move.

“C’mon, you have to talk to me sometime, we work together,” He commented.

“That’s exactly it. We work together. You’re the high and mighty NHL superstar and I’m the nerdy analyst. We have our places. They don’t mix, so really I don’t have to work with you at all. So, please, if you could just move, I have nothing else to say to you.” You tried once more to step around him, but he lightly grabbed your forearm to stop you.

“But I have stuff to say to you.”

“You had months to say it, so I’ll say it again, please let me by.” Suddenly, he was on his knees in the airport, the flowers still outstretched in his hands.

“Y/n,”

“What are you doing?” You hiss to him, your face darting around to see people starting to stare at Tim’s grand gesture.

“I need you to talk to me, and you won’t, so I’ll beg until you agree to hear me out,” You could feel more people staring, the shutter of camera phones, the eyes of everyone in the Ottawa airport (or what felt like it) easily making up your mind. There was a reason you were an analyst, away from the spotlight, doing your work behind the scenes.

“Get up,” you started to pull on his arm, but he just stayed anchored to the ground.

“You’ll talk to me?”

“18, I will do anything as long as you stop making a scene,” At this point, your cheeks felt as if you’d stood under the beating sun for an hour. He got up from his knees, the flowers still outstretched in his hands, and you let go of his arm. You grabbed the flowers from his arms, dropping them in a garbage bin as you stalked out of the airport. Tim caught up to you and walked by your side.

You said nothing as you reached your car, unlocking the doors. You didn’t even wait for him to have his seatbelt on before you were backing out of the stall and driving away. Thoughts were running wild in your head; you were angry and embarrassed at the stunt he pulled at the airport, appalled at the audacity he had to show up after what he said, and last of all you were reluctantly happy to be back in his presence again. So you went to the one place you knew you could think.

You put the car in park overlooking the suburbs. You turned it off and rested your arms on the steering wheel. You couldn’t make the effort to get out and walk to the lookout spot, the car creating a safe bubble for your thoughts.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” His soft voice broke the tense silence in the car and you scoffed.

“We’re not friends anymore. You’re the Senators star player and I’m just the nerdy analyst. There’s no reason for me to need to talk to you.”

“See, you keep saying that but I-I don’t get it! What does that even mean?” You furrow your eyebrows as you turn to face him, his own face scrunched up and his eyes hard.

“What do you mean you don’t get it? You said that! The last game against Montréal? I was walking past the locker room and… I overheard you talking with the guys.” You looked down to your lap, findling with your hands. You briefly saw Tim’s hand start to move towards you, but you shook your head and it stayed in his lap. “You said you needed a break from me. You said that ‘at the end of the day they pay me a lot to play my game and they’re.. them’. You said you had a problem with me. What was I supposed to take from that except that you didn’t want me to be in your life?”

He stammered for words but you cut him off. “No, I don’t think you understand how much it hurt. Hurt to have the one person who I thought understood me to talk behind my back about how I wasn’t enough for them. It hurt to know that the one person who I always wanted to talk to, didn’t want to talk to me. Hurt to think that you’ve only ever seen me as just some nerdy analyst who has no place in your life. I had been fine before, without you in my life, but then you came in and knocked down every barrier I ever had. And then left as if you didn’t just break my life into pieces!

“I left Ottawa because it hurt too much to go to all my favourite places, because I went there with you. I let you into my safe spaces, and when you left, you shattered that security. You tainted all the good I had there. I thought that Ottawa was home before I met you,” you scoffed. “Not even close. You feel like home to me. And for you to say that I was a problem in your life?” You shook your head at him and looked down at your hands. “I tried to get over it, believe me I did. But every single place I went I was reminded of you… and how everything we had didn’t feel like a big deal to you.”

“I never meant for that to happen.” His voice was quiet and strained, as if he was trying to keep his emotions within him.

“You know the hardest part? I didn’t just have to get over losing my best friend. I had to get over someone I fell in love with! I lost the single most important relationship with one tiny little passing conversation. And you acted like nothing happened! Like we were still friends, like you still cared for me-”

“Ich liebe dich du trottel!” His outburst caught you off guard and you gulped. His heavy breathing was the only sound in the car as you whispered.

“You know I don’t speak German…”

“You don’t need to know German to know what I said,” His eyes were hard, a look you had only seen during games.

“Oh.” You shook your head and looked at him. “Wait what?”

“I didn’t say those things you think I did! You didn’t listen to the whole thing! Brady was teasing me about me saying I don’t have a problem talking to people I like and I don’t normally but you’re the exception! I needed a break from you because everytime I see you, my heart starts beating faster and my hands get sweaty and I don’t know how to act! And the guys said that sounds like I’m in love with you-- and I am! I am! But when I finally started to do something about it, you ran away from me! I didn’t know what to do. Besides, if I fell in love with you...it could mess with our jobs. Because if for any reason, something happens, they’d fire you before they’d ever trade me. And you’ve worked too hard to have an opportunity like this be taken away from you because of me. So... I didn’t know what to do. And then you just kept ignoring me and saying those things about how you’re just a nerdy analyst…. It felt like we weren’t on the same page anymore and I didn’t know where it came from or what to do either so I tried to give you space. But then you shut me out. And you said we shouldn’t be friends. So I thought that meant.... you wanted to be more than friends? And the boys were saying that you being mean to me was just you having a hard time having feelings for me but then you… uh, yelled at me so I left you alone. But that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about you.” He placed one of his hands on top of your tentatively, giving you the option to shoo his hand away. When you didn’t, he rubbed the skin on top of your hand. “It never meant I stopped caring about you.”

He sighed. “I guess I see now that I should not have given you space. I should’ve been better for you because that’s what you deserve.”

“I could’ve been better too, this isn’t all your fault. I said some mean things.”

“I promise you, that when we’re together I’m not a NHL player. I’m just me… just Tim from Germany who likes hockey. You have always seen me for who I am, and that’s...that’s something I love about you.”

Your breath got caught in your throat. Love… was a big word. Love was for confident people. Love was for those who didn’t understand the weight of that four letter word. Love wasn’t a word you threw around. Love was scary. It asked you to place your bandaged heart in someone else’s hands and hope they didn’t drop it, shattering the pieces into smithereens. Love meant letting down those walls that time and time again had proved that needed to stay up. To protect you. To avoid the heartache of broken trust.

And here he was, throwing that word around as if the implications didn’t matter. As if he didn’t leave. As if he didn’t call you a problem. As if he didn’t know the months you spent trying to forget him and the fragments he left behind.

As if he still wasn’t understanding.

“I… I can’t do this.” You go to open the car door only for it to lock. You gasp, and you whip your head around, your eyes sharp. “This is my car, you can’t do that!” His eyes went wide and you tried again, only for it to be locked again. You gritted your teeth and he spoke before you could reprimand him again.

“Don’t shut me out again! You say you can’t do this, okay, but tell me why. We’re supposed to-to talk to each other! We would’ve had no mess if you had just talked to me after you heard what I said! So.. talk to me,” You met his soft eyes, your resolve breaking with just one look. “Please, schatz.”

You slowly pulled your hand off the handle, letting it fall into your lap. You picked at your fingernails while trying to compose your thoughts, Tim’s concerned eyes never leaving you. He murmured your name and you took a deep breath, steadying yourself.

“I’m sorry I just- I don’t know if I can jump back into where we were. I know that… it’s different than I thought but I can’t-” you cut yourself off before you said something you regret and a cold chill ran through you. “It still hurts. I can’t just unhear those things you said. Especially when they came from you. So, I’m going to need time to process everything.”

He placed one of his hands over your fidgeting fingers and you lifted your head to meet his soft eyes. “I’ll give you some space. Just let me know when you know, yeah?” Before you could nod your head, he had opened his door and got out of your vehicle. You quickly got out to question him.

“What are you doing?” He turns around at the sound of your voice.

“I’m… I’m giving you space?”

“How are you planning to get home? Uber?” He shrugged before nodding, with his hands stuffed in his pockets. “Uh, no. No. Get in.” He raised his eyebrows and you sighed. “It’s almost 11pm, we’re in a dark forestry area, and you are the least threatening person I know. I’m not going to let you get stabbed by some murder psycho; you still mean something to me, you know.”

At that he came over to the car, and the two of you got settled back into your seats. After you buckled up and started the engine, Tim broke his silence.

“Did you mean that? That I still mean something to you?”

You swallowed slowly and took a while to answer his question, your hand resting on the gear shift. You put the car in reverse, and looked over at him. “You’re always going to mean something to me. Just what exactly you are changes.” You backed out of the parking lot and started the drive to his place. He was quiet for a few minutes, pondering your answer, but when he spoke his voice had the quiet confidence he always carried around with him.

“Can I ask what I am right now?” Streetlights illuminated his face and out of the corner of your eye you see him slightly turned towards you, his face unsure.

“No. I’ll keep you updated?”

“Good enough.”

The rest of the drive back to his house was quiet, aside from the lo-fi beats you had playing in the background. Despite the tension, the drive felt comfortable. When you parked in front of his house, he cleared his throat.

“Um, thank you for the ride. I’ll see you around I guess,” He unbuckled his seat belt and placed his hand on the handle.

“Goodnight Tim.” Despite your smile, Tim really hoped your goodnight didn’t also mean goodbye. He got out of your car, walked up the steps to his door, unlocked it and gave you a small wave before he went inside.

Tim was true to his word. He gave you space. He didn’t go back to the lookout spot or the war memorial, knowing those were your sanctuaries before they were his. He didn’t ask for updates, he didn’t stop by your office, he didn’t ask Josh how you were doing.

And you appreciated it. The time and space left you alone with your thoughts and you often visited the lookout spot or the war memorial, trying to find some peace, but those spots were now shared with Tim. So, for the first time in a long time, you spent time in your apartment.

When you moved in, you hadn’t done anything to the place. Spaces were temporary in your experience. It was more hassle than it was worth to try to make the space your own if, in a year everything was a clean slate. But Dani was right. It had been close to six years now since you moved in. Six years. You had a stable job, you had friends here, it was time to accept that maybe this was more than temporary.

You started by unpacking the last few boxes that were stacked in the hallway. You replaced the command hooks hanging your picture frames with nails. You got new paint to liven up the living room from the basic beige it was before. You put the work into making your apartment really yours. You had to stop living behind walls and this was a first step.

The next step was to really open up.

***

You were waiting outside the dressing room for Tim to get out. You came down as soon as practice finished so you knew you wouldn’t miss him. You leaned against the cool concrete, trying to control your bouncing leg. He was one of the last out of the dressing room and you shyly smiled at the other players who left. When he came out, you popped off from the wall and stood in front of him.

“Do you still want to know why I picked hockey?” You could tell your question caught him off guard but he nodded nonetheless. “You had asked and I brushed it off...because it hurt to think about. Because it was my dad...He loved hockey. Everywhere we went, there was a team he could cheer for, but he always wished that his hometown team would win, no matter how bad they were. He took me to a game once. I had asked why he liked it so much, it was cold and loud and people were drunk and I’m pretty sure our team was losing. We were down in the crowd and he said to me, ‘Hockey is this great sport. It connects people. It creates families right before your eyes. Enemies can become teammates. This...this sport can be a family for you, anywhere you go. I hope one day you can find something that does the same thing for you.’ Two weeks later, he had a heart attack. So, I held onto the one thing that he found belonging in. I liked my math, it made sense, and I’m good at it. But when it came to doing something with my life, I just- I wanted something to make my dad proud of me, you know? I wanted to feel connected to him.”

Tim was silent but he pulled you into a hug, your head going into the crook of his neck. His arms went around your waist and he held you for a minute. “Your dad would be proud of you. I know he would. Why’d you tell me now though?”

“Well, friends share personal stuff, right?” You pulled away from the hug just enough to catch his eyes. You looked up at him hopefully, and he smiled.

“Yeah, they do.” He broke the hug, but kept an arm slung over your shoulder. “C’mon, friends also eat brussel sprouts for each other.” You laughed at his distaste for them and the two of you walked out the parking lot together, his arm still slung around your shoulders.

***

You looked up at the ceiling, your bedsheets twisted beside you. It had been about two weeks since you told Tim about your dad, and since then, the two of you had been exchanging texts daily. It felt familiar, even though both of you knew it was different. Not a bad different, just… different. You’d been over to his place a couple times and he came over for your place for a ‘welcome back’ dinner.

You were nervous to show him your apartment, but you knew you had grown into the space. It was no longer generic beige walls and command strips. The living room had an accent wall and you put nails in the wall to hang your family photos in the hallway. Tim took his time looking around your space, spending extra time in the hallway. He stopped in front of the picture of your family, all four of you, and smiled.

“My parents are coming into town when we play the Caps in December, if you want to meet them?” He had said when you sat down to eat. You sputtered your drink a little and set down the glass.

“Only if...you meet Dani when we go to Seattle in January?” His face broke into a grin and he nodded.

“I’d love that.” The rest of the dinner had no issues, just two friends catching up and getting familiar with each other again.

But he wanted you to meet his parents. He wanted you to meet the people who raised him, his family. And you didn’t have any hesitations. You wanted to meet the people who made Tim who he is.

This past week solidified that you knew what you wanted. You wanted to meet Tim’s family, you wanted to show him around Seattle, you wanted to be with him. If he still wanted to be with you.

If.

He had been pretty clear where he stood on his feelings, but the voice in the back of your mind taunted you with that one tiny two letter word. He might have seen how you reacted, how unstable you were, and how you weren’t ready to jump into things as a sign you didn’t want this. He could’ve taken your steps to being friends again as being just friends again. He could’ve-

You weren’t going to wait around to let what-if’s and might of’s and could’ve’s waft around in your head. You needed to talk to him, needed to see him. So in your pajama pants and a hoodie, you braved the Canadian night and drive to his house. You parked the car, rather haphazardly, but it could wait. You skipped a step walking up to his door and quickly phoned him.

You paced back and forth on the small porch as the phone rang three times before he picked up.

“Hallo?” His accent was thicker in his native language, the harsh constants sounding so soft from his lips.

“Can you come open the door?”

“What?”

“I’m outside. Can you open the door?”

“What? It’s like...early,”

A sigh escapes you. “Tim. I know. I know now.”

“Well if you looked at a clock before you left your place, you would’ve known earlier. That would’ve-”

“Tim.” You gulped and your voice trembled slightly. “I’m ready. I know what I want.” The tone of your voice dropped its lightheartedness and that alone was enough to shake the sleep from his mind. But your words? More than enough to get him out of bed and racing (as quietly as he could in the dark) towards you.

He opened the front door in his sleep joggers to see you pacing and shaking your arms. You hadn’t noticed him yet, so he took the opportunity to admire you. The way your hair fell, your Senator pajama pants that Brady gave you as a gag gift, the way you bit your lip between your teeth.

“Hey.” His voice broke you out of your trance, your head whipping around to see him standing in the doorframe.

“Hi.” Your voice was quiet, the nerves getting the best of you. You stood there for a while, just looking at each other. His hair was a mess and he was wearing the grey hoodie you knew for a fact was his favourite. “Oh, right, I have to go first. Um...Are- are you still sure about your feelings for me?” He nodded. “And-and they’re for sure, good feelings?”

“… They’re such good feelings.” You nodded and gave your body another shake through, as if to dissipate the nerves racing throughout your veins.

“I know it’s taken me a while to kinda sort everything out but… I like you too. That’s why hearing those things hurt so much. That’s why I had to take some time. I've been alone for most of my life and it was scary to let someone in so easily, unknowingly. You just waltzed in and made yourself at home in my heart and it felt like you belonged so I… I didn’t even realize you could hurt me. And when I heard those things, it hurt more. It just solidified that I should’ve stayed alone. You can’t get hurt if there’s no one to hurt you right? But every talk, every late night drive, everything we had...it was worth all the hurt. So I’m ready. I want to do this with you, even if it hurts. I don’t know if I can do life without you.” He pushed himself off of the doorframe and came to stand in front of you, his hand cupping your cheeks, soothing the skin under your eyes.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you and I don’t plan on doing it ever again, Y/n, you have to know that.” You nodded against his hands and you could feel some of his tension fade from his body. “Does this mean… we could be more than friends?”

“I want to be much more than friends with you, Tim.” You bit your lip to try to stop your smile from growing so wide, but it broke through when you saw how wide his smile was and how his eyes crinkled with joy.

“Does this mean I can kiss you now?” He asked softly, already leaning in. He left space between the two of you so you could decide but you easily leaned into him, your lips meeting. It was gentle but it was loving. You moved in sync, Tim’s hand moving to the back of your head to push you closer to him. Eventually, you pulled away for air.

“Schatz…” He breathed and you laughed lightly.

“You know, I don't think you've told me what that really means,” You said with a cheeky smile.

“Would you like me to say it in English, sweetheart?” He brushed his nose with yours.

“Hmm, German is fine,” You tilted your head upwards, almost brushing your lips with his. With your teasing, he let out a groan, bringing you in for another kiss. This time he broke for air, his eyes still slightly closed.

“You know, you cured my homesickness. I never felt like I missed home because I found home in you,” He whispered. Your heart melted and you brought your lips together with a passion he hadn’t seen from you before. Your hands tangled in his hair and he chased your lips as if it was a breakaway. When you broke for air, the two of you were breathless.

“As much as I want to keep doing that, it’s also very early and I am tired. Can we go back to bed please?” His arms were still around your waist, but he leaned back enough that you could see his face, puppy dog eyes and all. You nodded to his request with a soft smile, and went to remove yourself from his arms and go back to your car, but he tightened his grip.

“I got you now, so I’m not letting you go.” You buried your head in the crook of his neck and slowly the two of you made your way into the warm house. He led you through the dark hallways to his bedroom, giggling and sneaking kisses where you could.

You fell asleep so easily, the quickest you have the entire time you had lived in Ottawa. And it wasn’t only Tim’s warmth, or the way his sheets smell like hockey tape and his peppermint shampoo. You had finally opened yourself up. You had found that belonging your dad always wanted you to. And you found that in Tim; whether he knew it or not, he was home.

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Waves: Quarantine

A/N: It's been way too long since I've done something for the Wavesverse, and I apologize deeply. I have a few requests related to this series to complete, but I couldn't knock this idea.

Words: 4K

Warnings: None

Tags: @babe-im-bi @notacamelthatsmywife @missyperle @queenoftheworldisdead @tashawar @valkryienymph @letsshamelessqueen-m @hello-therree @mani-lifes @liquorlaughslove @toni9 @koko-michelle @theequeenofcurses @taylortheeshowpony

Waves

Summer placed her phone inside of the mount and made sure that it was secured before she sat back in her bed, getting comfortable with the mass of pillows supporting her back, and smiling tentatively. “Hi, guys.”

Summer!

Someone tell me this isn’t a joke???? Please???

She lives!

Sis, blink twice if you need help.

Summer rolled her eyes. “Ya’ll better stop. I know it’s been a minute since I’ve hopped on live, but it hasn’t been that damn long.”

Summer continued to read the comments where more than a few people pointed out she hadn’t gone live on Instagram in over three months. Her mouth dropped. “Ya’ll lying. It has not been almost six months, has it?” She placed her hand over her mouth when people started dropping dates in the comments. “Okay, I stand corrected. Damn, I’m sorry, guys.”

Don’t be sorry, bestie. Do better!

Damn, ya’ll are so entitled. Celebrities have lives too.

What life? We all been in quarantine.

Rich people quarantine be different from us poor folks, I guess.

“So that’s actually one of the things I wanted to talk about.” Summer cleared her throat. “And I’m going to try really hard to make sure I word what I want to say as clear and as effective as I can, but I know this is still going to end up as a salacious headline. So, it is what it is.”

Oooh, Summer about to drop some tea.

I don’t see her wedding ring, ya’ll…..

I’m scared omg.

Watch this be nothing but a role announcement.

She shrugged and took a deep breath. “Okay, so a few days ago, I did the Buss It challenge, after being harassed by Sanda. And can I just say that filming was a challenge in and of itself? Not necessarily the movements but preparing? I’ve got two kids, twins, who are like the Tasmanian devil. I was literally up at 3 something in the morning trying to record it because my wild children won’t let me be great.” She chuckled. “Kids are something else.”

Summer truly jumped through hoops and was a damn near acrobat trying to figure out when she could not only get herself done up but actually record the challenge. Being the perfectionist that she was didn’t help, but the fact that she couldn’t recall the last time she’d put on makeup and dressed up was a whole other fiasco.

Quarantine definitely brought out her bum side.

“All of that aside, I truly was satisfied and happy with the final product when I posted it. In hindsight, I should have just left it that, but I wake up every day and choose chaos, so I decided to read the comments.” She blew out a breath. “One of the most frequent comments and really, insults, I’ve received my whole career. Primarily, since I was cast as Storm, revolves around how I look. I.e., my weight. I’ve been called fat, obese, out of shape, and so many other things.”

It was 100% true. The minute Marvel announced that she’d been chosen to play Storm, the racists came all out of the woodworks. She was too short, too chubby, too dark, too black. And Summer didn’t care, not a bit.

“Even,—and I’ll tell you guys this, when I first started my SS training, that’s what I call it, SS for Storm Shape, there was a—person who worked for Marvel at the time who came to visit me while I was training.” She smiled thinking back on that day. She could still recall it so clearly. “He basically was pissed because to him, I still looked the same, fat and out of shape.” She adjusted her top and shifted in her bed. “That same day, I deadlifted and bench-pressed over 200lbs” She paused for effect. “What I need for people to stop doing is stop fucking projecting—and I’m going to cuss in this, so if you don’t like it, oh well. I work for Disney, but I’m a grown ass woman, and I’m going to say what I want.”

I am screaming. Summer said we getting alll the tea today!

So, it’s wrong to point out that someone is physically unhealthy now, cool?

The problem is that no one wants to see a fat superhero. It’s not realistic.

^^^^ Tell me you have a small dick without actually telling me you have a small dick.

“I saw Lizzo, whom I adore, post a Tik Tok where she basically said that she workouts to have the body she wants not what ya’ll want, and honestly? Same. She said that her body type is no one’s fucking business, and that’s so true. Ya’ll love to hop on this internet and pick apart people you don’t even know and criticize bodies you don’t even have to live in and move around with. And for what?” She shook her head, slamming her fist into her open palm as she spoke. She was fully invested now. “I know we in quarantine, but damn, pick another hobby cause being a bully is not it, sweetie.”

I really needed to hear this today.

Using Lizzo as a point of reference makes everything you’re saying null and void. Lizzo is clearly overweight and at risk for diabetes, heart disease, just to name a few…..

I been saying this! You can’t look at a person and say they’re unhealthy.

Bodies come in so many forms, and all are beautiful.

“Now, I bring all this up because a lot of people were commenting on my Buss It challenge and pointing out the fact that I’ve gained weight, and guess fucking what? I have, and you know what else?” She leaned over to whisper while covering her mouth with her hands for focused effect. “I don’t care.”

Summer laughed and shook her head. “As others have pointed out as well, yes, we have a gym in our house. I 1000% acknowledge the fact that having the resources that I do as a celebrity and someone who has money puts me in a different category. Hell, my husband has a whole fitness app. I recognize that. If I wanted to keep up with my workouts, emphasis on wanted, I could have. I own up to that, but I just didn’t feel like it, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is to send and leave mean messages calling me all kinds of names.”

Summer had thick skin. She always had. Growing up with her family, who always ensured to feed her self esteem and make sure she knew that she was beautiful, definitely paid off. It was just a combination of quarantine and not having a lot of opportunities to keep herself busy with work that had her feeling some type of way.

“And that’s something else I wanted to bring up.” She blew out another breath and tried to gather her emotions. This was the subject she was almost certain she’d grow teary eyed discussing. “I love my husband to death. My children are everything. Christopher’s family is like my own, but— I haven’t seen my family, like my mom, grandma, brothers, etc in almost a year.” She paused, dwelling on that. Almost an entire year since she’d been able to physically hug and interact with the people who made her who she was. “And I’ve always made it clear how much I fucking love my family. I live in Australia. I can’t do a drive by with grandma so I and my kids can at least see her on the doorstep.” She quieted again, eyes darting off as she quietly cursed. “I’m trying really hard not to cry right now.”

Please don’t cry, bestie.

This is the side of quarantine that people don’t talk about enough.

Has this woman never heard of FaceTime????

I feel her pain. I live in Europe, and my family is in the states. This quarantine has been brutal.

My grandma died from COVID, and I couldn’t even go to the funeral. Summer is bringing up a good point.

“Damn,” Summer chuckled bitterly and wiped at the tears that fell. “I’m okay, I promise. I just bring this up because quarantine has also been very hard for me in that aspect. At certain points, I’ve been down, I’ve been in my head a lot, and I just was not, for the most part, in a space where I felt like I had to keep up my fitness regimen. And that’s okay. I put my mental wellbeing ahead of making sure my body is socially acceptable. Sue me.”

I really appreciate her honesty.

Summer never goes beyond surface level in interviews, so seeing her this vulnerable is really surprising.

Are we supposed to feel bad for her? She’s rich. She can afford whatever help she needed.

These comments are not passing the vibe check.

Ya’ll are all mental health advocates, but when a black woman is opening up about her struggle, it’s discarded?

“And let me make this clear too, I have an amazing husband who is so patient and so kind. He’s one of the best people I can go to when my anxiety hits, so I don’t want this to come across as me complaining that I’ve been alone. I have him and our children. I just miss the rest of my family. That’s all.” She dried her eyes and started to read the comments, unsurprised by the mixed reaction. She expected as such and was unaffected. At least until she saw one comment.

@ChrisEvans: ❤️❤️❤️

“Evans!” Summer wasn’t expecting to see his name pop up. It’d been such a task convincing him to join IG, let alone teaching him how to operate it. “Let’s go live.”

Not my husband and wife in my head about to go live!!!!

Imagine being able to call Chris Evans your best friend

I still say they smashed idc

It’s Christopher Jamal Evans hopping on this live for me.

^^^ I’m so sick of y’all with that shit.

“Let me try to add him,” Summer spoke to herself, scrolling through the comments to find his so she could request him. “Alright, I requested him. Let’s see if he answers.”

She wondered if she should have sent him a text asking if he was available when he appeared on her screen, effectively splitting it with her on the top and him on the bottom.

“Punk.”

“Kid.”

Summer smiled and greeted, “Hi, best friend.”

He chuckled. “How you doing, Summer?”

“Clearly not as good as the people watching,” she chimed. Summer saw nothing but heart eyes and hearts in the comments. “These people really love you. You truly are a manipulative bastard. He’s an asshole, guys.”

“Don’t be jealous, Summer. It’s so unbecoming of you.”

“You can go to hell.”

“Language,” he playfully reprimanded. “Where are the kids?”

“At preschool. Things are finally starting to open back up over here. Thank God.” She clasped her hands together. “Y’all, please wear masks. Don’t be Karen’s.”

Chris laughed, grabbing his chest. “We’re getting there, Summer.”

“The lies you tell,” she countered. “Don’t A Starting Point, me. Ya’ll are far from getting there, and I’m tired of it. I wanna see my family.”

He sighed. “I know, but how are you feeling today?”

“I got rid of the kids, so that’s definitely a weight lifted,” she answered honestly, laughing when she saw judgmental comments in the chat. “Listen, if you’re a parent, you know where I’m coming from. You love your kids, but my god, sometimes you just need some space.”

“As soon as this all blows over, I told you to send em’ by me for a couple of weeks.”

“Best friend, I already purchased their tickets.” He laughed. “As soon as I get the green light, they are all yours. Feel free to keep them.”

“You guys see how she is?” He pointed to Summer, leaning and squinting to read what was being said. “I do love kids, especially the twins, they’re amazing.”

“He is really really great with them, guys,” Summer added. “One thing about Evans, he’s patient as hell and really, just a big kid. Why do you think him and Christopher get along so well? 40 going on 4.”

“I resent that.”

“Is it a lie though?”

He hesitated. “No.” They both laughed.

I’m loving the dynamic between these two so much.

Is it just me or are they flirting with each other…..

Ain’t nothing inappropriate about this conversation. Ya’ll are reaching…

Ya’ll remember that blind item that came out years ago alleging Chris (Evans) was the biological father of the twins? Hmm…..

^^^^^This kind of bullshit is the reason we’re in a global pandemic.

As always, Summer and Evans ignored any foolery that was being dropped in the comments when she caught a comment that didn’t contain some ridiculous rumor.

“Yes, it is true that Evans and Christopher weren’t allowed to do press together anymore. Ya’ll, they literally could not stay serious for more than a minute. I felt so bad for the poor interviewers.”

“Hey, we were not that bad,” Evans protested, his Boston accent more prominent.

She gasped. “You guys were terrible, Evans, and you know it. I was so mad when they put me with ya’ll those few times. I could barely hear the interviewers over your laughing and stupid commentary that literally no one asked for.”

“We did not.”

“There’s deadass video proof, Evans.”

“Fake news.”

She opened her mouth but caught herself. “I was about to say something.”

He laughed and asked, “Do you remember how we all got drunk before the Infinity War premiere?”

“No, ya’ll got drunk. I was big and pregnant, remember?”

“No,” he dismissed. “You were drinking with us.”

“Evans, how was I drinking when I was pregnant?” She challenged and reminded. “I got drunk with ya’ll for the Endgame premiere, not Infinity War.”

“That’s right,” he remembered and chuckled. “You think we’ll get in trouble for saying this?”

She shrugged with one shoulder. “You’re dead, Christopher never gets in trouble for anything, and I do what I want. I think we’re good.”

Kevin Feige watching this live right now like 🥴🥴🥴🥴

I never realized how arrogant she is……

LMAO. Not the whole cast showing up drunk to the biggest premiere of their lives.

Chris Evans is too damn fine to be approaching 40 and still single.

Their friendship is so goals omg

@ChrisHemsworth: Snitches

Summer’s jaw dropped as she caught the last comment, swiping up to click the name and make sure that she was reading correctly. “Christopher, what the hell are you doing on my live?”

Evans brows furrowed. “Hemmy is here? Shouldn’t he be working?”

“That’s what I want to know,” Summer supplied. “And how long have you been watching?”

@ChrisHemsworth: Long enough.

She smiled nervously and looked off to the side. “I feel weird now. I don’t like when he watches my lives.”

“Aren’t you guys married?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be shutting the fuck up?”

Evans lifted his hands in a defensive manner. “Touchy subject, I see.” They shared another laugh as he cleared his throat. “Why don’t you add him now? I’m supposed to be helping Scott cook.”

“My favorite Evans,” she gushed and furrowed her brows. “You, cooking? Since when?”

“Get out of here.” He waved her off and reminded. “I’m not the one who constantly causes near fires when in the kitchen.”

“So, you really just putting all my business out there like that?”

“Summer, it’s not secret to anyone that you can’t cook for shit.”

“Wow, it really be your own best friends.”

He chuckled. “Love you, kid.”

“Love you too, punk,” she blew a kiss. “I’ll text ya’ later.”

“Alright.” He smiled for the camera. “Thanks for having me everyone.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she said jokingly. Evans and Summer said goodbye one last time before he left the live. She blew out a breath and ran her hand through her hair. “Baby, comment something so I can add you. It’s too many comments to wade through.”

Summer adjusted her phone and checked the time on the clock on the wall. It’d been a while since the kids were away at school, and she didn’t want to get so caught up that she was late picking them up.

@ChrisHemsworth: I can’t. I’m too drunk.

Summer released a mixture of a laugh and a snort reading his comment. “You are so damn petty.” She clicked his name and adjusted her outfit while waiting for him to answer. She almost cursed when it seemed like he wasn’t going to join, only for her to smile when his face appeared on her screen.

“Hi,” she greeted in a soft voice with a small smile.

“Hello, Sandcastle.”

“Did you just—I swear to god, it’s always something with you.” Summer rubbed her temples and shook her head. Christopher smiled in response. “Why aren’t you working?”

“I am.”

“You are?”

“Yes.”

“If you’re working, how are you talking to me?” She asked, sassily.

“Umm, a little thing called multitasking, ever heard of it?”

“Wow. You are an asshole.”

“That’s mean.”

“You’re mean.”

“Christopher, you are literally a child.”

“Does a child have muscles like this?” He flexed, and Summer stilled. Christopher stayed in ridiculous shape, but this was another level. He’d never been this massive, and she wasn’t too proud to admit that. Just not aloud.

She faked a yawn. “Am I supposed to be impressed?”

They really just be roasting each other all the time, and I’m here for it.

Summer must be legally blind because this man is stupid fine tf

It’s gotta be steroids. That’s not natural.

^^^^^He’s the god of thunder.

Summer rolled her eyes at the typical nature of the comments. These were the reasons she limited her time on social media and especially stayed away from reading the comments. Her attention was redirected to the top of her phone. It was a text from Christopher asking her to call him.

“But we’re—oh, I get it.” She realized he wanted to talk to her, not her and her tens of millions of followers. “Alright, guys, I’m gonna get off here so I can talk to my husband, alone.”

“She just doesn’t want to share me with you all, that’s all.”

“Don’t even start, Christopher,” she lectured while he laughed and got serious, for a minute tops.

“Hope you all are taking care and staying safe,” he spoke honestly. “And we’ll talk to you soon.”

Summer waved and smile. “Bye, guys. Remember to be kind.” Summer offered a final smile before ending the live. Closing up the app, she moved to open FaceTime and called up Christopher. He answered almost immediately. “You know I hate when you watch my Lives. Now, how much did you see?”

“Enough to know you’re coming to see me tonight.”

She laughed aloud. “Funny.”

“I’m serious, Summer.” Focusing on him, she realized that there was no humor in his voice nor his expression. Summer also noticed that he didn’t have the Thor wig on yet, which was probably why he was able to go live with her. He was waiting to get into hair and makeup. “Leave the kids with Liam. It’s not like he’s doing anything.”

“Christopher!”

“What? Is he not a professional unemployed bastard.”

Summer’s smile remained as she shook her head. “You are so mean.”

“I’ll handle the flight arrangements. You, my beautiful wife, just make sure you get on the jet so I can handle you.”

“Christopher, you’re working. People with everyday jobs don’t just up and show up to their spouses workplace because they miss them or need a break from the kids. That’s how folks get fired.”

Christopher started to move around, walking somewhere, she realized. “What are you doing?”

“Hey, Tike.”

Summer’s eyes widened slightly. “Christoper!”

“Sup, man?” Taika asked casually, as Summer laughed again. Taika Waititi was such a character.

“You mind if Summer comes up for a few days?”

“Sure, man,” he replied almost right away. “Bring the kids and chickens too.”

“I am not bringing those damn chickens,” she immediately protested.

Christopher made a sound. “Ha, so you are coming!”

“I didn’t say that.”

Taika joined Christopher so that he was in camera. “Hey, Summer, why don’t you come on join? You can have a cameo. Chickens, too.”

She rubbed her temples. Taika’s and Chris’s friendship would never not make sense to her. They were cut from the same cloth. “One, hey. Two, I was already in Ragnarok. I’m good on the cameos. Three, what is with ya’ll and those creepy looking chickens?”

“Whoa, creepy? What did the chickens ever do?”

“Exist,” Summer answered dryly. She still hadn’t forgiven Evans and Christopher for convincing her to let the kids keep those damn things. Her home was becoming more and more of a farm with each animal that joined the household.

“Tough crowd, that one, ehh?”

“Always,” Christopher agreed.

“I can hear you both,” she reminded and groaned loudly. Summer would love to spend a few days away from the kids. Chris would be working, yes, but she’d at least get some time for herself. Even better, alone adult time with her husband. That had also been a bit tricky during quarantine because of her rambunctious twins. Still, she disliked using her status as a celebrity to gain things, and this would definitely be a case of using status for pull. “I don’t know….”

Deep in her thoughts, she hadn’t realized that Chris had walked away and returned to wherever he was prior to finding Taika, most likely his trailer.

“What if you only stayed a night?” Chris tried to bargain. “The flight is only an hour and a half. That will give you more than enough time to come here, let me fix you dinner, run you a nice bath, maybe get in the good ole’ horizontal tango—”

“You know I hate when you call it that,” she reminded quietly, admitting. “That does sound nice, though.”

“Or, I can come to you—“

“Absolutely not. Christopher, you’re already doing so much back and forth as it is.” One of the good things to come out of quarantine, to Summer at least, was that it forced many people to take a much needed break. Her husband was one of those people. Christopher had been working nonstop since she met him. Project after project, film after film, many of them Marvel films, which put a whole other layer of difficulty what with the strenuous physical requirements. Even now as he shot Thor 4, he was in the best shape he’d ever been, muscles nearly tearing the cotton of his clothes. He looked amazing, but it was what they couldn’t see that she was starting to grow a little concerned over. Christopher wasn’t as young as he once was. He had to slow down, eventually.

Summer realized this would be a perfect chance to have a conversation about just that with him, which all but led her to her final decision.

“Alright,” she conceded, finger up as she made her demands. “Three days, and I stay at the house while you shoot. We may be returning to normal, but we’re still in a pandemic. I won’t go around anyone except you.”

“So I get you all to myself? Hardly consider that a stipulation.”

“And…we talk.”

“After the horizontal tango—“

“I swear to God, if you don’t stop calling it that—“

“What was that, sweetheart? I wasn’t listening.” She saw that he had paused the screen, causing Summer to remember that she hadn’t even consulted with the babysitter. “Making flight arrangements for you.”

“Shit, let me text Liam and make sure he’s available.”

“He gets reception in the box?”

“Christopher! For the last time, your brother is not living in a box.”

“Do you know that for certain?”

“Goodbye, Christopher,” she prepared to end the call before smiling softly. “I love you, Christopher, and thank you.”

He winked. “I’ll always do anything for you, Summer. Anything.” A beat. “Don’t forget to leave the clothes. You won’t need them.”

“Christopher!”

#chris hemsworth x black!oc #chris hemsworth x black!reader #chris hemsworth fanfic #chris hemsworth fandom #chris hemsworth fanfiction #fic: waves

[simply-trash5]

Okayokayokay. So it’s time for some Band AU Bakusquad...specifically the BoomBoomBoy himself. Lets get into it....

Also remember that my requests are hella open. 

-So you and Mina are best friends. You met at college and have been inseparable ever since. So one night she asks you to go to a bar with her to see her best friend’s band play. She swears you will love them and it should be a fun time.

-So the day arrives and you get all cute and shit because duh. You guys go to the bar and it is SLAMMED. Its also kinda filthy and really hot because its summer so its a lot of sweaty bodies in one area. (Goddamn I miss life pre-covid. ANYWAY)

-So you ask Mina what they play and she tells you pop punk so in your lil poppunk heart youre like 0.0

-The guys walk to the “stage” if you could call it that and you just kinda give them the once over. There is a redhead playing a red bass, he is smiling the biggest smile you have ever seen. You see a lankyish guy with dark hair and a black guitar giving a sweet grin. The singer has blonde hair with a black streak and is downing a redbull. Then, you see him. He’s scowling and has messy ash blonde hair, has a sleeve of tattoos on one arm, and you can see he has black tunnel gauges in. He steps behind the green and orange spray painted drum set. So immediately you are like :3 cause thats your type. 

-So they start their set and they are playing a TON of poppunk covers. You and mina are pretty buzzed, just jumping and singing. The band is killing it and the crowd is losing their shit. You keep finding your attention being pulled to the guy behind the drum set. He plays with his eyes closed sometimes (and does that thing where he leans his head back, you know what I’m talking about) and despite his demeanor earlier he is smirking. Oh shit, did he just look at you????

-Okay they finish and head out of the back door. Mina grabs your hand and leads you outside to meet them. You can feel your nerves bubbling despite your buzz. All you can think about is drummer boy.

-So you’re outside and you meet them. Kiri and Sero immediately envelope you in a sweaty man hug. Denki high fives you and tells you that you look really good. (hes that guy, we know it) Bakugo, welllllllll he just kind of stares at you. He reaches in his pocket and grabs a pack of smokes and gives you a “tch”. So a blush creeps to your cheeks on top of that inebriated pink youve got. 

-So for the next couple of weeks you and Mina hang out with the guys at “practices” which is honestly just an excuse for them to hang out, bullshit around, and maybe play a few songs. 

-So this is kinda random but you notice that all of them have a butterfly tattoo over their heart, because who needs shirts right. You finally ask and Kiri says “we got it for our baby sister Eri.” Bakugo gives a little smirk at the mention of her name.

-One day at practice Mina lets your secret slip. “Y/N is a great singer Denki. You should hear her.” Denki is obviously intrigued and you are absolutely mortified. After a few beers and some pestering from Denki and Kiri you cave. 

-You take a walk to the mic and ask the guys if they know Misery Business. They say duh, but also look at you like--’theres no fuckin way’

-You take a breath as the guys start playing and then you start performing it like you are Hayley Williams herself. The guys are blown away, especially a certain drummer. (He secretly loves Paramore.)

- Denki leans over and yells to Mina “holy shit she’s good, also I think Bakugo might have creamed his pants.” Mina hits Denki but then looks back at Katsuki and he is doing this wide eyed surprised stare straight at you. 

-So you finish and guys envelope you in a sweaty hug (they’re sweaty guys okay and its summer and you’re in some shitty shed/garage.) Bakugo just continues to sit behind his set. His eyes are glued to you and he isn’t being shy about it. 

-The rest of the crew go make a beer/snack run and you walk over to the fridge to grab a water. You hear footsteps behind you but just assume it’s Bakugo coming to get a beer or something. That is until Bakugo comes up to you and backs you into the fridge. You are blushing HARD. He’s like “you like what you see princess?” You bite back “I could ask the same Katsuki”

-Cue pregnant silence where you two are making eyes, you know the ones.

-Next thing you know he has grabbed your waist with one hand and put the other by your head on the freezer door. You both kiss each other like you haven’t seen another human in years. He pulls back and looks at you. Your eyes are still closed and the flutter open to see him smirking at you. 

-That was the it all started for you two...now you follow them to every shitty bar they play and Denki always makes you sing one song with them.

I may or may not have projected a little bit but, oh well. I have been in pop-punk hell for the last week or so. I am a product of teenage years in the 2000s and a serious obsession with All Time Low, sue me. 

#bnha #bnha oneshots #bnha imagines #bnha fanfiction #bnha bakugo katsuki #bnha bakugou #bnha band au #bnha headcanons #bnha sero #bnha kirishima #bnha mina #bnha denki #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugou x reader #drummer bakugou #bnha drabble #katsuki bakugo imagine #bakugou katsuki #katsuki x you #this was fun #simply trash5 writes

[kickingitwithkirk]

Greetings from Austin pt. III

Pairing: Alpha!Jensen Ackles x Alpha!Jared Padalecki x Omega!OFC

Summary: Jensen and Jared are at odds over a monumental decision that changes their lives in a way they couldn’t have envisioned.  

WC: 3825

Warnings: a/b/o, bisexuality, biphobia, homophobia, angst, cursing, self doubt, depression/anxiety, married life/disagreements, medical stuff, sexual dysfunction, infertility/surrogacy

*flirting, m/m oral sex, Jensen’s insecurities are coming out, Jared gets arrested, both get counseling

A/N: This part consists of several time jumps over four month period.

A/N II: Hey, sorry took me a way longer to get done than planned, rewrote Oct 23 a dozen times alone and hoping makes sense, trying to flesh out characters more and has some stuff that plays into story line in later parts.

Part II

Masterlist

@winchesterandbeyondbingo​​​​​​ square filled-Jensen Ackles

*Series Inspired by this art.

*no beta-all mistakes are mine

September 8th

7:30 am

Jensen was sitting in the makeup chair clenching his extra strong coffee container to help warm his hands. He’d spent a second, uncomfortable night in his trailer on location as Vancouver was having an unusual cold snap this time of year and with the covid restrictions the director decided that everyone needed to stay on site.

While he wasn’t happy about the weather, missing his own personal heater but at the same time grateful for a brief break from Jared now that they were heading towards the next phase of starting their family.

Jensen jokingly said they needed a code name since they were planning on keeping their plans a secret, even from their families, until the pups were born, playfully suggesting a cartoon from their childhoods.

Of course with Jared’s weird sense of humor, he loved it and started throwing ideas like operation: pound puppies.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Frieda said as she applied a concealer under his eyes to hide the dark smudges from not sleeping well.

“Huh?”

“You asked about my new job and haven’t heard anything I’ve said, wanna talk about it?”

“Sorry, not focusing very well today.”

“Yeah, we’re all feeling out of sorts with this being the last couple days.”

Jensen couldn’t believe he was down to his last two days of filming.

“Too bad this virus messed everything up, it would’ve been a hell of a send off if everybody could have been here.”

Alex and Misha had left right after they’d finished but Jim Beaver was back for the ending. It was only right for Bobby Singer to be there at the end, having been such a pivotal character in the brothers lives.

Frieda continues chatting about random things while finishing his makeup. A PA stuck his head in calling Jensen to the set. He stepped out of the trailer and smiled seeing his Baby sitting near the building being used as the exterior of Harvelle's Roadhouse.

***

September 12th

“Jen, I’m taking out the bags,” Jared calls out seconds before the apartment's front door shut.

Jensen was doing one last check around the place for any forgotten anything. Satisfied, he walked into the living room containing neatly marked boxes ready to be shipped back to Texas, relieved they had downsized from the big house Jared had years ago.

He stopped to gaze out the picture window when a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist, molding his back to the muscular chest of his mate, who rested his chin on his shoulder quietly saying, “I’m gonna miss this view.” Jensen hummed in agreement tipping his head back as Jared nuzzled his neck.

“We need to get going if we’re gonna make Seattle by seven,” Jared softly muttered as they’d stood there for a few heartbeats longer before releasing him. They walked to the door and Jensen turned once more to gaze out the window at the view of Vancouver.

***

September 21st

“This has been a great trip but man, I’ll be glad to be in our own bed tonight.” Jared remarks as they drive past a green highway sign saying Austin 312.

“Can’t wait,” Jensen drowsily says having not slept much the last couple days. They had decided to road trip it back to Texas, stopping at a few places they had wanted to visit for awhile.

Jared somehow managed to finagal, okay so his mind numbing blow job combined with those lethal long fingers that always makes Jensen agree to anything got him a couple extra days in southern Colorado.

Jensen enjoyed the beautiful scenery and hiking in the mountains but hated camping out. Well, it wasn’t technically roughing it the way Jared liked but still.. a frigging yurt in late September?

Oy vay, what he did for love.

The sound of Jared singing along to some classic country song on the radio as he drove finally put Jensen completely out.

***

October 23rd

Turning from the open fridge with a puzzled expression on his face, Jared senses the same vague something he’s felt God knows how many times in the last couple months.

Shutting the door he walked over to the island counter where his husband was seated pushing his unfinished dinner around on his plate.

“Jen, what’s going on? Are you worried about the implantation? Dr. Rodgers said the embryos were healthy and optimistic the surrogate took this first try.”

What Jensen wants to ask, the question that’s plagued him since that day in August choosing their Omega surrogate...how the hell does he phrase it without upsetting Jared?

“Did you choose her because you knew she’d be the one I’d pick?”

Jensen slapped his hand over his mouth, eyes wide, disbelieving he blurted it out.

Jared worked to find a response squeaking an actual squeak before he could get control over his vocals, “That’s what I’ve been sensing!” Gripping the edge of the counter with his big hands, “Are you seriously going there again? I was honest about our interactions when I realized she was the one I knocked down at the clinic and FYI, you weren’t exactly in full control either Alpha!”

Jensen clenched his teeth at being reminded his inner need to be in control at all times slipped.

“I’ve racked my brains trying to figure it out how to ask something like that without upsetting you!” Jensen yells getting up and pacing around the kitchen.

Jared huffed, “So all this time instead of talking to me, you’ve conjured up some..”

“For the last two years I’ve gotten the sense you feel somethings missing, kept telling myself it’s your unfulfilled biology. But ever since you meet that Omega you’ve been.. I can’t explain it and now I’m second guessing our marriage Ja....” his rant abruptly cut off.

Jared’s eyes were glowing red, pinning him with an eerie wolf expression, the intensity disconcerting him. “I chose you, my husband, my soulmate, my everything!“ The words should have been reassuring but Jared’s voice was pitiless, something Jensen's never heard pass from his lips before.

Jared took a deep breath and with normalcy returning said, “I love you Jensen and I thought you understood, for me, in my mind, both of us having pups with the same donor means my offspring won’t be seen as just step relations but will grow up having strong familial ties with JJ, Arrow and Zeppelin.”

Jensen started to speak when a low, reverberating growl from Jared warning him not to interrupt.

“I consciously listened to my inner wolf when it came to choosing the person who is biologically the Om of our children and I,�� Jared emphasizes tapping his chest with his long index finger, ”have no regrets but apparently you do.” Taking a deep breath Jared drops a non sequitur, ”The dogs need to be fed,” and walks away.

At the sound of Jared’s SUV leaving Jensen’s legs gave out and he drops to the floor curling up in a fetal position wrapping his arms over his head. Arlo and Koda laid down, one on each side, cocooning him between them.

***

Thanksgiving

“The kids are in a tryptophan coma,” Jensen announces as he walks in through the kitchen's back door. He had followed Danneel home afterwards helping get JJ and the twins cleaned up and put to bed, “they’ll be out till Monday.”

“Good, cause I’m dead on my feet,” Jared replies yawning while loading the dishwasher. It had been their turn to host the holiday with Danneel, the kids, Clif, Jared’s siblings and their broods.

“I told you to wait and I’d help finish the cleanup when I got back.” Jensen said as Jared started the machine.

“I figured you’d wanna stay awhile and be too tired and I didn’t want to deal with it tomorrow. All that’s left is to put the trash and recycling out, could you grab it?”

“On it,” Jensen picked up the bags walking around the side of the house dropping them into their designated receptacles.

When he came back in Jared was switching off the lights downstairs. They made their way up to the bedroom taking turns in the bath getting ready for bed.

Jensen was sitting with his back against the headboard checking his messages when Jared drops heavily next to him, “I plan on sleeping for the next three days.” He mutters resting his head against Jensen’s shoulder.

“Sounds good to me babe, I’m glad we didn’t schedule anything extra this weekend, be nice to spend some time alone.” He finishes wiggling his eyebrows.

“Hmm, do you remember last year's Thanksgiving?”

Jared closed the kitchen pantries door, pushing Jensen against it seductively lowering his fox slanted eyes huskily whispering, “I’m so fucking horny I need my dick you now.”

“Dude, we’re re in my sisters...“

“..you’ll have to be quiet,” Jared dove in for a deep, dirty kiss, grinding against Jensen until he was begging to be fucked.

“You’re the one who got us busted..oh fuck Jensen..so fucking tight..fuck..not gonna last..then later I get Mac saying it sounded like your dick...”

“Okay..buuut,” Jared tilts his head slowly running his tongue up the column of Jensen’s neck, “you gotta admit,” hand slipping under his sleep shirt, “our sex life,” long fingers tip toe up the smooth, freckled chest, pads teasing his left nipple as Jared nibbles on his earlobe, ”is never boring.”

Jensen groans, dropping his arm, still clinching the phone, tipping his head to expose more of his neck to Jared’s wondrous lips, enjoying the scratch of his short beard.

“I thought you were sleeping the next three days.”

Jared answers by removing his hand and straddling his husband's thick thighs taken the phone placing it on the nightstand and starts nibbling along the other side of Jensen’s sensitive neck, working his way to his slightly raised claim mark flattening his tongue licking the ultra sensitive spot that always drives his Alpha wild.

Jensen slides his hands up Jared’s back finding a grip in his shortened hair, unhappy about how much he’s cut off for Walker, unable to tangle his thick fingers into the soft tresses like he used to.

Finding a purchase he pulls hard making Jared groan at the pleasurable sensation tips his head back till it’s the perfect angle for Jensen to run his tongue across those candy pink lips, teasing them open to grant him access, continues teasing, alternating between caressing Jared’s tongue with his and sucking on his lips.

Moaning, Jared rocks his hips seeking friction, breaks their kissing long enough to work Jensen's sleep shirt off. They end up wrestling a few moments before Jared tosses it as Jensen’s lips attack his more desperately.

Tapping Jared’s thigh, Jensen rolls them kneeling between sleep pant clad legs watching as Jared reaches up gripping the strategically placed bar in their custom made headboard with both hands, his pecs flexing in anticipation of what’s to come.

Not breaking eye contact Jensen bends forward, his lips a hair's breadth from Jared’s, slowly slides backwards hovering, caressing the acres of golden skin beneath him with only his warm breath, pausing to hook his fingers in the pants waistband and pulling them with him as he continues journeying south.

Slowly making his way back north he leaves wet, open mouth kisses along the now naked, extra long, muscular legs he loves, sucking on the insides of both thighs, nipping hard enough to leave marks before arriving at his designated stop.

He hasn’t even touched Jared’s beautiful cock yet it’s fully engorged, resting against his flat stomach vigorously leaking precome. Jensen dips his tongue into his bellybutton lapping up the liquid collecting in it, cause fuck, he’s loves how more sweet than salty Jared’s always tasted.

Hips rolling Jared rubs his cockhead against Jensen’s tongue and he kitten licks the dribbling slit before resting his head on Jared’s lower stomach and wrapping his lips around the velvety head.

Shifting his grip on the bar Jared’s makes nonsensical noises, toes curling at the mixed sensations of his mates silky beard tickling his lower regions while sucking on his cockhead, alternates swirling his tongue over the nerves underneath and teasing his slit sending spikes of pleasure radiating through him.

After all these years Jared’s still amazed at Jensen’s knowledge of his body, his ability to keep him on the edge of not enough for however long he’s in the mood to play.

“..pleease...need to cum...got to..so fucking..uhh..Alpha!”

Raising up on a forearm Jensen starts bobbing up and down his shaft, pausing briefly on each downward pass, working his throat open to take Jared further in until he’s nose deep in dark, trimmed pubic hair. Holding his mate's substantial cock in his throat swallows around him as Jared’s knot inflates, pushing his jaws apart till it’s too much.

Letting the knot slip out from between his plump lips Jensen wraps a hand firmly around it and starts vigorously bobbing drawing out a litany of obscene noises, feels Jared’s balls drawing up and backs off swallowing the warm, thick, spurting liquid.

Leisurely licking until Jared hissed, too sensitive for anymore kisses the tip one last time crawls back up the bed searching for his pillow and face plants on it.

“Dude, you’ve finally sucked out my last brain cell.”

Purring deep in his chest, Jensen gives Jared a self satisfied smirk, who mutters, “wasn’t trying to give you a bigger head.”

Rolling onto his side Jensen displays his turgid cock needing attention, “okay, he’s the bigger head,” Jared concedes reaching down running his fingers over the weeping tip, wetting them with precome spreads it over the shaft firmly fisting Jensen’s pulsing thickness, moving his hand up and down excruciatingly slowly.

“So,” his honeyed voice lowers an octave watching Jensen dissolving into a breathy mess, “how does he want me?”

Jensen opens his mouth to answer when a phone rings. Glaring over his shoulder, “not mine,” he growls. Still stroking him Jared stretches for his, “it’s the clinic..hello? Dr. Rodgers, hey, how are you sir?” He lets go sitting up against the headboard.

Why’s the doctor calling them at such an odd time, on a holiday no less?

Jared's brow wrinkles before he turns to Jensen, eyes sparkling breaks out his wondrous smile making his dimples pop.

“Jensen, she’s pregnant!”

Jared's practically bouncing on their bed like he’s on a massive sugar high discussing what comes next with the doctor. Jensen feels his erection rapidly diminishing, gets up heading into the bath and turns on the shower.

Climbing in he crosses his arms against the far wall, resting his forehead against them closing his eyes as hot water bounces across his broad shoulders.

Jensen knows he should be elated. Jared’s getting the pup (or pups) he’s desired for years and the possibility of being a father himself again. Instead, his heart seized up in conflict.

***

After that god awful argument in October he ended up at Josh’s, who confessed his mate and him were seeing a counselor because they were having marital issues too. Spending the night drinking and reflecting Jensen came home the next morning to a still angry Jared cause he didn’t know where the fuck his husband was all night.

Filling him in about his talk with Josh, Jared seemed somewhat mollified but a few nights later...

Walker star Jared Padalecki arrested near the one year anniversary of Stereotype bar altercation.

· Jared Padalecki was arrested once again in Austin, Texas, early Sunday morning on one count of public intoxication…

When he got released Jared sat Jensen down pleading with him to sit in on his next therapy session, saying they couldn’t keep going on like this, it was tearing him apart.

He wants..no..needs Jensen to completely open up, stop trying to protect him and discuss what’s going on in his head, what he’s really feeling.

Jared’s therapist started off informing both of them he wasn’t a marriage counselor but after a brief conversation with Jared knew the situation was having a detrimental impact on his mental health.

He listened to them separately, then together, about their observations and thoughts on each other’s behaviors came up with a hypothesis:

Since Jared’s last depressive episode, his random thoughts/emotions were feeding more into Jensen’s deep seated insecurities over his mate’s open, flirtatious personality and how he perceives others attraction/interactions to him.

And now Jared’s inner wolf is demonstrating an intense attraction to an Omega, something never encountered before with past preferences in Beta females, with this new dynamic Jensen didn’t know how to handle it.

Jensen opened and closed his mouth several times sputtering before saying this was complete bullshit and stormed out.

***

Lost in thought Jensen didn’t notice his husband stepping into the open shower stall until his considerable frame was blocking the water, Jared’s voice drew him out of his musings.

“I can hear you thinking clear in the other room.”

Cupped Jensen’s face between his large hands he gazed into those spring colored eyes that captured his heart the moment he looked into them years ago, “Hey, no matter what happens next, we’re good.”

***

December 16th

Jared was sitting in his chair chatting with Lindsey and Keegan while the crew was finishing setting up for the next scene when his phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number but excuses himself, stepping away for some privacy answering.

“Hey, everything okay?” Lindsay asked after he hung up, concerned by the visible tension rolling off the big Alpha.

“Umm..I don’t know, I need to make another call...” Jared said, waving the phone, “yeah, let us know if you need anything.” Keegan says and Jared nodded his thanks.

The phone rang three times, “Hey Clif, I need a favor.”

***

December 19th

Clif pulled the SUV into the parking lot, “Are you sure this is the right place?” Jared inquires looking around taking in the old motel located in a very questionable area of Austin.

“This is the name the guy mentioned.” Clif replied, getting out heading for the office. Couple minutes later he climbed back in, “the manager said the laundry out back.” He started the vehicle and drove to the rear of the property.

Clif got out again and knocked on the building's door. An older Hispanic woman answered engaging him in a brief conversation before stepping back inside.

Clif nodded to Jared and as he got out of the vehicle that piquant scent hit him seconds before the door reopened. The person he’d spent days searching for froze in the doorway upon seeing him.

***

December 22nd

Jensen, claiming out of the Uber, grabbed his bag thanking the driver, walked up the front stone pathway relieved to be home from L. A. after a hopefully final costume fitting for his new role as Soldier Boy, this flying back and forth every week for the last couple months had gotten old real quick and he was looking forward to enjoying the holidays at home.

Jared’s parents were coming tomorrow and staying for a few days as was Danneel and their pups. Josh said he was still planning on dropping by a few hours Christmas Day since he and Mac were scheduled to spend most of the holiday with their parents.

Jensen felt that mixture of anger and sadness he got thinking about his parents. He was raised in their church and though he never believed in it, respected their choice.

Too bad they couldn’t reciprocate.

***

Alan and Donna belonged to an ultra conservative church. The foundations of child rearing was to be found in the good book and in the Ackles household-spare the rod, spoil the child-was gospel.

When they were growing up neither parent was the physically or emotionally demonstrative type, only showing their offspring a reserved affection, especially in public.

The saving grace was their Beta nanny who gave them unconditional love, especially Jensen, who was shy as a child already knowing he was different from his siblings. She instilled the confidence in them to discover who they truly were inside and encouraged Jensen to come out before moving to California.

Shortly after graduating he told his family about his bisexuality and his boyfriend was moving to L.A. with him.

Alan and Donna tried to stop him. He was to go to their pastor and confess his transgressions, beg forgiveness for his sins against the church and its teachings, threatening to pull the agreed upon six month financial support while he auditioned for parts before going to college if it didn’t work out.

Jensen refused, packed up, took his boyfriend and left. He got his first break shortly after and quickly learned Hollywood didn’t care what his sexual orientation was as long as he kept it behind closed doors.

His management agency decided early on to promote Jensen as the good guy/boyfriend type. They also set him up on dates to events with many up and coming female artists of the time. He had no problem playing along when he wasn’t actually dating a woman.

His big break came on the CW. After co-starring in a couple series for the network he was offered the chance to be a lead in a new series created by Eric Kripke.

At the audition he met former Gilmore Girls heartthrob, Jared Padalecki, flashing his infectious smile, dimples for days and the most beautiful, incredible color shifting eyes Jensen’s ever seen, he was done for.

Jensen might not have his biological parents in his life anymore but his now in-laws, the complete opposite of the Ackles, helped fill that hole.

It’s easy to see where Jared’s personality comes from. His Om, Sherrie, is overly affectionate, excessively physical and verbal with everyone she considers family, biological or not.

The first time he accompanied Jared home on a holiday break Jensen was literally bowled over by the five foot nothing Omega and instantly became part of her brood.

***

Barley getting the front door open Jensen is hit with the piquant scent of orange blossoms and spices he couldn’t quite place.

Dropping his carry-on bag in the foyer he followed the scent further into the house. Arlo sat up near the large picture windows facing the backyard where he and Koda are napping and gets up coming over to greet him.

“Hey big guy, where’s daddy at?” Jensen asked rubbing around his ears like he liked having thought Jared would still be on set before the holiday break.

He heads towards the kitchen where the scent seems to be coming from, “Babe is that coffee shop back open, what’s it called, has those sweet rolls you're obsessed with..” he abruptly stopped and blinks not believing what was in front of him.

More accurately who was in front of him.

“Babe is in his office and dinner will be ready in twenty.”

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?”

***

tbc

GFA: @babypink224221 @waywardjoy​ @let-me-luve-you​ @all-4-wincest

SPN: @donnaintx​ @lyarr24

Sam/Jared @idreamofplaid​

Dean/Jensen: @flamencodiva​

#jensen ackles #jared padalecki #j2 husbands #winchesterandbeyondbingo #alpha!jensen ackles #alpha!jared padalecki #alpha!jensenxalpha!jaredxomega!ofc #j2 au #j2 fanfic #j2alphas #a/b/o ofc #spn #supernatural #slow burn

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X15

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Wow! A lot happened in this episode. It was billed as Jackson’s goodbye episode, but it turned out to be so much more than that. Meredith got discharged and was reunited with her kids, Tom decided to move to Boston to work for Jackson, and we got the show’s first Indigenous doctor and patient storyline! I honestly think Jackson’s farewell was really well done! While it’s true he could do the work he wants to do just as easily from Seattle everything else about his exit makes sense to me. He’s tired of sitting on the sidelines and he wants to make real change where he can.

I loved his conversation with Meredith and how he was the one to sneak her out. I loved Meredith's voice over for this episode and how it followed Jackson's actions and the flashback montage set to music. I thought it was fitting. I would have liked him to have said goodbye to Ben because they were the Plastics Posse until he left to become a firefighter but apart from that I was happy with it. The character has come such a long way during his run on the show and I feel like this episode reflected that.

The editing was really well done too. Especially the shot of him overlooking the lobby. That transition was seamless. I loved his goodbye scene with Meredith. It made me so emotional. I love that Meredith tried to lighten the mood by making a joke about how she won because she's the last one standing. That scene when she hugged the pillow after he left because she misses him and everyone else really got me. I also really liked the conversation he had with Bailey and Richard.

I'm glad he said a proper goodbye to Jo although I didn't find it super emotional. In addition to Ben, I would also like to have seen a goodbye with Maggie. I'm surprised they didn't do that. Maggie was so focused on Meredith's recovery that it's not clear if she even knows that Jackson is moving to Boston. They also could have done a big emotional scene with Catherine. On a lighter note, I am so happy that Meredith is doing better for real this time and has been discharged! I've been waiting for this since the mid-season point.

I loved the scene where she was reunited with her kids and Amelia was panicking about the state of the house and Meredith told her it was fine and that was just how she liked it. Meredith getting Jackson to sneak her out of the hospital felt very in character to me. As her voice over says Meredith isn't one for tradition or big hullabaloos which is why I think the others tried to keep it a secret. I'm not surprised that she ducked out early. While I get why the other characters wanted to do a big send off for her, I feel like they should know by now that's not her style.  

I loved the scene where Amelia and Link found out Meredith might be coming home, and they hugged and then Link said he had to go to work and Amelia started crying and then asked why he was still there. Link was so confused and then Amelia told him she’d be crying off and on like that all day to get her emotions out and that she’d be fine and he needed to go to work. That is so Amelia! But in a good way. Post-tumour and with her addiction under control even in a pandemic Amelia is now able to express her emotions in a healthy way so she doesn’t relapse or spin out of control. That is such huge growth for her. I loved the scene at the end with her and Meredith.

The smile that they share. The look between them. You could see early seasons Private Practice Amelia in that look but also mature and stable new Amelia. I loved that Amelia was all worried about the state of the house and Meredith was fine with it being a mess because as a working Mom she knows what it’s like and all she wanted was to be at home with her kids in her messy house.

At the end of the episode we find out that Tom’s near death experience with COVID has caused him to re-evaluate his life. He feels lucky to have lived to have been spared and he wants to help Jackson make real change in Boston. On the one hand I was surprised by Tom’s exit, but on the other hand I wasn’t. I love Tom and will truly miss his character, but ever since the affair came out and he and Teddy split and she started working on trying to repair her relationship with Owen, Tom hasn't had a lot to do.

I'm sad they didn't do more with him because he's such a great and complex character and I know some people had speculated they might pair him up with Mama Ortiz which could have been interesting. I'm sad we didn't get to see him say goodbye to Amelia, Link, Teddy, Catherine, or Meredith. Tom and Amelia are old friends, he trained her, he took out her brain tumour, and she rushed to the hospital when she heard he had been admitted for COVID-19.

Tom and Link seemed to be getting along as of late and Tom was ready to be a father to Teddy's baby before she got back together with Owen. He found her the perfect apartment and he built a crib for a child that wasn’t biologically his that he was so excited to meet and be a Dad to. All this after his own son died and his marriage collapsed as a result. He treated her like gold and she’s done nothing but treat him horribly for no reason. I don't think I’ll ever forgive Teddy for that.

Catherine and Tom are also old friends that go back even farther. She appointed him as Chief Medical Officer of the Fox Foundation. She told him about DeLuca’s death and took him to the Memorial. When Richard was sick, she told him she wanted him to take over the Foundation in her absence. Tom and Meredith had such an emotional scene earlier this season and he's been praying for her every day. Does she know that? Does Meredith know that Tom has been praying for her and worrying about her? I was expecting a follow up scene to that, so I hope we get one.

I found the patient storyline that Tom, Levi, and Indigenous intern James Chee had really moving. Grey's has never had an Indigenous patient or doctor on the show before and while the dialogue did feel heavy handed at times, they brought some really important issues to light and were trying to make up for lost time so that’s understandable.  

Robert I. Mesa who plays Dr. Chee is Navajo Soboba and the patients that they treat at Coast Salish whose traditional territory encompasses the province of British Columbia, Canada and the states of Washington and Oregon in the United States. It’s really great to see an Indigenous actor bring stories about Indigenous characters to life in a realistic way for the same reason that it’s important to see black, brown, Asian, latinx, and LGBTQ+ actors bring stories about characters like themselves to life. It brings authenticity and ensures sure that white straight cisgender people aren’t taking roles away from people within those communities.

When I found out through Twitter that the show had cast its first Indigenous doctor, I was very excited. I work for an Indigenous organization currently and so Indigenous representation is an issue that is very near and dear to my heart. The first thing that came to mind for me was the Coast Salish artwork you see in the background of so many scenes of the show. From the show’s earliest seasons, you can see beautiful art pieces in red, blue, and black depicting fish, birds, and other animals on the walls of the hospital and in people’s offices.

Yet it is never addressed or mentioned that that is Coast Salish artwork. In order for it to be there someone from the art department must have travelled to Seattle to buy some local artwork to put up around the hospital. While that’s great for making the hospital look authentic to the area by not mentioning its origins or the fact that Indigenous people exist for 16 seasons does all Indigenous people a disservice. Indigenous people are not stereotypes or tokens or simply makers of pretty pictures.

Every group has their own culture, artwork, language, and traditions. I’m glad that Grey’s Anatomy is finally acknowledging the existence of Indigenous Americans and the fact that Indigenous people exist and continue to exist despite repeated ruthless attempts to murder and assimilate them. This is a huge problem in the United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and other nations. While in the last few years Indigenous issues have gotten greater coverage in Canadian media there isn’t as much media coverage of Indigenous issues in the United States.

I love that Tom and Levi treated both the pregnant woman and her grandfather with respect and dignity and didn't dismiss their concerns or mock their traditions. I love that Tom actually had some knowledge of smudging ceremonies and that he referred to Dr. Chee respectfully when needed and allowed him to perform a smudging ceremony for the grandfather. When the pregnant patient’s husband thanks them and says that in the past they haven’t had great experiences in big hospitals that is unfortunately a sad reality for many.

Like other people of people and other marginalized and oppressed groups the concerns of Indigenous patients are often not taken seriously, and they often encounter racism that leads to poorer treatment and death. When the pregnant patient talks about how their centres are under resourced and that they were sent body bags instead of medical supplies that is a real thing. The Trump Administration actually did that in the States and the Harper Government here in Canada did that during the H1N1 Epidemic.

Thankfully, here in Canada the COVID-19 Pandemic response of the Trudeau Government has been worlds better. No sending of body bags and instead medical supplies and lots of relief money has been given to Indigenous organizations like mine to help real people. Indigenous Canadians have also been given priority status for vaccinations and as a result people are alive today that would have died previously. Now that’s not to say things are perfect here. There are still so many issues that need to be addressed including police violence, discrimination within the justice system, and the rate of missing and murdered Indigenous women. But at least some progress is being made.

The fact that they wrote Tom off reminded of an old adage about Grey’s Anatomy that I heard someone talking about at the start of this season which is that if there isn’t anyone significant for a character to date and you’re not an original character your days on the show are numbered. The fact that they wrote Tom off after putting Teddy and Owen back together makes me even more sure that Meredith and Hayes are going to end up together and that their relationship will be a key plot point of Season 18.

If that wasn’t the plan, I don’t think Hayes would still be there. There have been episodes this season where he has been very prominent, episodes where he’s been completely absent, and episodes like this one where he has a few short scenes. He wouldn’t still be there hanging around in the background if the plan wasn’t to set him up with Meredith. To me the only explanation that makes sense is that they are going to put Meredith and Hayes together hopefully before Season 17 ends.

Side note, I bet all of the actors who passed on being Meredith’s love interest or backed out for a movie or tv role on a newer show probably feel real dumb right now. Grey’s is about to go into its 18th season and Richard Flood who plays Hayes is getting paid mad bank whether he’s prominently in the episode or not! Plus, he slays that role. While the path they took to get here was bumpy I’m so glad that we got Hayes as a character and we’ve gotten to see his relationship with Meredith develop.

I would have loved to see more of Hayes this episode. I was expecting a scene in which he visited Meredith and I was a bit disappointed we didn’t get that. I get that the focus of the episode was on Jackson’s departure, Meredith being discharged, and Tom’s epiphany, but it would have been nice to see that. The scenes we did get were great! I love his dry sense of humour and his comments about Jo’s terrible handwriting.

My favourite moment of the episode was hands down when Hayes came to clap out Meredith with everyone else and then Perez came out and they realized that she had snuck out early and Hayes laughed and said, "Nice one Grey, Brillant!" And then he wished everyone a good night and headed out. If Meredith isn't there, he's out. He’s not even trying to hide his feelings for Meredith anymore. It’s an open secret that he likes her and is clearly smitten. Hell, at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if the janitors have a group chat about it.

I love that he laughed about it like it was some big cosmic joke they were both in on. He knows her so well. Everyone else was confused and her sisters were worried when they didn’t hear from her, but Hayes wasn’t worried because he knew she’d snuck out the back and that someone must have helped her. Speaking of romance, I’m guessing that next season they will bring in a new Head of Plastic Surgery for Jo to date. I feel like they will have more luck finding someone than they did when they tried to hire a new love interest for Meredith over the last few years because right now work is scarce.  

Also, in the romance department Teddy and Owen are back together. I'm happy for them, but other than that I don't really have any strong feelings about it. I am happy that they seem to be good and that the fighting and long-drawn-out drama is over. I've never been a ride or die Teddy and Owen shipper, so I don't feel an emotional rush seeing them back together. I loved Tom and Teddy together so I'm sorry that ended especially since Teddy and Owen have always been such a mess.

I think that they should have spent less time fighting and more time rebuilding their friendship before getting back together. We spent the first half of the season watching them fight non-stop and Owen made it clear he wanted nothing to do with Teddy ever again. Teddy treated Tom like crap while trying to win Owen back who clearly didn’t want her. While I’m glad they have reconciled, and the drama appears to be over I wish they had spent less time on the fighting and more time on exploring Teddy’s trauma and having them rebuild their friendship if that was the route they were going to go.

We also get more details about Maggie and Winston’s wedding this episode. I posited on Twitter a few days ago that I thought Maggie might ask both her dads Bill and Richard to walk her down the aisle as she'd want to include both of them in the ceremony. I think having Bill walk her down the aisle and Richard officiate is lovely. It reminds me of when Bailey stepped up to officiate Callie and Arizona's wedding.

I’d like to see more interactions between Meredith and Winston and Meredith and Link in the future as both men have become a part of the family largely while Meredith was sick so it would be great to see them get to know each other and bond. I really loved the scene between Winston, Link, and Owen where Winston was trying to figure out if Teddy and Owen were back together and Winston and Owen were teasing Link about the Sister House. It’s nice to see them all bond. It would be even better if they would all have more scenes with Hayes and for them to bond as well. I hope to see more of that next season.

I get why Link wants to get out of the Sister House, but I think he was a bit unrealistic about the situation. Meredith just got discharged. Amelia and Maggie aren’t going to want to leave her side until she tells them she’s ready and it’s okay for them to go and take a step back. I foresee them going with a hybrid approach next season where Maggie and Winston move to his place following the wedding and Link, Amelia, and Scout move to Link's place, but they still spend time at Meredith's house frequently. I imagine after being away from her kids for so long at some point Meredith is going to want her house back and to spend time alone with her kids.

I'm interested to see Meredith talk about her time on the beach in the upcoming episodes. Richard and Bailey were struggling to figure out how to tell her about DeLuca’s death but we the audience knew that Meredith already knew he had died. When she coded previously, and Ellis Grey passed away the first words out of her mouth were about her mother being dead. But here we see something different. When Meredith wakes up this season the first words out of her mouth are about how much she and Derek love Zola. She uses the word ‘we’ so the audience knows what she’s talking about, but the characters don’t.

It appears that at least a week has passed since the previous episode possibly two and we learn that Meredith hasn’t brought up her time on the beach or her visits from the dead to anyone. I think that she’s keeping that to herself for a few reasons. She didn’t want to leave the beach and telling that to the people who just spend the past three months trying desperately to save her life would probably come across as suicidal and upsetting. The conversations between her and Derek were personal and private, and she may not be ready to share them just yet.

Her conversations with George, Lexie, and Mark were also pretty personal so she might not be ready to talk about that either. In this episode we see her tell Bailey and Richard that DeLuca is okay because he’s with his mother. The scene cuts away, so we don’t know what else she tells them. Hopefully we’ll find out next week. My guess is that the first person she’ll talk to about the beach in the following episodes will be Hayes because he will understand her desire to stay because of how he lost his wife.

He won’t see her desire to stay on the beach as suicidal or crazy because he would probably think about doing the same thing if given the opportunity. We saw Meredith be really vulnerable with Hayes when she first got sick about her fears of dying and falling asleep. They’ve talked at length about their spouses and their past relationships in a way she hasn’t with other characters. I feel like he is the perfect person to talk to about what happened on the beach because he won’t judge Meredith or take her desire to stay personally.

They’ve already established that Hayes is a supportive and understanding person who is happy to sit there and listen to Meredith talk about her experience of dating after death and past relationships and so I think he’s someone Meredith can open to about what it was like to see Derek again, what it was like to realize her ex-boyfriend was dying, what is what like to get closure with George, and gain wisdom from Lexie and Mark. I’m hoping that will happen in next week’s episode and if not in the finale.

We saw Helm having a tough time this episode. I think Helm moving in with Levi and Jo is a good idea. I think it will give Helm the support she needs and I'm glad Levi is there for her. We haven't seen Jo and Helm interact much so far, so I'm interested to see how Jo is going to feel about her moving in. Also, where is Helm going to sleep? Jo and Levi live in a one room loft where Jo sleeps in a large bed and Levi sleeps on the couch. I would have liked to have seen more scenes along the way building up to this as Levi and Helm haven't had a scene all season and now right at the end you see him trying to help her. I also really miss Parker as a character. I wish they brought him back as well as Helm.

Something I didn’t like was that they seem to be focusing on DeLuca, his death, and his absence more than they should. I get that the writers and people behind the scenes liked the actor who played him, but the character himself was pretty widely detested by the other characters for seasons 15 and 16 so having them talk about him like he was such a great guy that everyone was super close to and that they all miss feels hollow to me and kind of annoying.

DeLuca and Meredith were not that close. They weren’t friends and rarely had a scene together prior to Season 15. They stopped talking entirely after he broke up with her in Season 16 and they weren’t friends when he died. So, talking about how he would have been so happy for her and one of the first people to cheer her on is strange. Also, I felt like Jo’s comments to Carina were out of place. I get that when someone dies its customary to say nice things about them to their family and Carina is mentoring Jo and she’s grateful for that, but DeLuca was god awful to her.

They become really good friends after Alex attacked him but then they stopped being friends when she got back together with Alex. They stopped having scenes together after that until he took an interest in Meredith at which time Jo and Alex both made it abundantly clear to his face and behind his back that they disliked him, and they hated the idea of him and Meredith together. All he did was antagonize both of them during seasons 15 and 16 for absolutely no reason and then after Alex left DeLuca walked up to Jo at the Emerald City Bar touched her without her consent and attempted to kiss her and get her to sleep with him to the point that she wound up throwing a drink in his face to get him to leave her alone.

He then told the bartender she was crazy after she told him to get some help. That’s sexual assault and attempted rape and DeLuca should have gone to jail for what he did. Instead we never see it addressed, he never apologizes, and they don’t share a single together after that. My hope is that they will finally moving on from talking about DeLuca and his absence next season. It’s getting a bit ridiculous at this point and it’s time to move on.

Onto next week’s promo! We don’t get a lot of information from this one. We see Bailey talking about how she’s losing surgeons left, right, and centre and she can’t afford to lose anymore and Meredith talking about how she can’t operate if she can’t stand on her feet. She’s worried she might never get back to operating, but this is Grey’s Anatomy so we know she will. Link talks to Amelia about wanting more children which considering that Scout is only a few months old and they couldn’t wait to get out of the house full of children just last week is a terrible idea. Link finally calls Jo on the fact that she clearly wants to adopt Luna who promptly codes! Yikes!

Until next time!

#grey's anatomy #meredith grey #cormac Hayes #winston ndugu #maggie pierce #jackson avery #jo wilson #zander perez #richard webber #miranda bailey #amelia shepherd #atticus lincoln #tom koracick #teddy altman #owen hunt #carina deluca #taryn helm #levi schmitt #james chee #indigenous #17x15 #tradition #season 17 #grey's spoilers

[kyotakumrau]

2020.12.21 The World You Live In at Zepp Tokyo, 2nd event report

Fujieda again started with greetings, introduced himself and Takabayashi and then asked for applause for the band members.

And we got quite a surprise!

Kaoru and Toshiya came on stage!

Thus making Tokyo the only place where band members changed for each slot/session. As much as I'd love to see Kyo again I was happy as my friend only went to Tokyo and she's Toshiya's fan😊

F: please introduce yourself.

Kaoru: you already did lol. I'm Kaoru.

T: I'm Toshiya.

F: the last video you just watched was different from other sessions. The trailer for the concert film screenings that will start from February. It's something only you know right now. As you can imagine from the title it will be something similar to this, with the band members coming for the talk after.

K talked a bit about the situation as well.

T: it's still difficult to hold concerts, but this is something we can do. So I hope you will look forward to it.

Next F started the 'merch items introduction corner', he passed the items to the members.

K: I was watching the 1st slot and we talked about them in Osaka, too. (he talked more about the items and what members said)

F: yes, everything can fit in the pouch so it's a very useful item. You can buy all merch items and put then in the pouch and take home like that. Let's look at Toshiya's big pick key chains (he pronunced that very carefully😂)

They talked about members signs and company logos when suddenly K requested to have to lights in the venue set brighter so he could see everyone.

After that F announced they wil start with questions from the fans, passed the part of papers to others, but K gave his to F saying it's better if he chooses.

T: ok, I have a good one! 'It was Die's birthday yesterday, did you send him a birthday message? And are there any memorable presents you've received in the past?'

T: I got a bicycle. I was really happy at first, but then it was stolen from the parking area.

F: when was it?

T (I didn't catch it but from the context it must have been quite early on in their career)

F: during the tour?

T: yeah, we were always giving each other something for our birthdays, every year, but as years passed it got more difficult to choose something good and we then just stopped.

F: how about you, K?

K: I got a Mickey Mouse, about this size (he showed us with his hand, about 1m tall).

F: 'how do you deal with feeling tired?'

K: I go for a massage.

F: only during the tour?

K: anytime.

F: when the most? When writing songs?

K (laughing): but we're always writing songs

T: for me it's sauna.

F: do you often go when just staying at home?

T: for example after the gym

Ta: 'what did you eat most often during the stay at home period?'

K: ...what did I eat, what about you, Tooru?

Ta: sausages.

The whole venue kinda rotfled 🤣🤣🤣

F: that's cute😆

Ta: it's something I can usually only eat at home.

K: ...something I was really into...(still thinking)....(thinking)

F: for me it was Jiro-ken ramen.

T: at home?! So you weren't really staying at home?

F: I gained some weight after the overseas tour. I started to diet then, and one day a week, a cheat day, I could eat whatever I wanted. My cheat choice was Jiro, either at the restaurants or to take away.

K: ...what was it for me...

F: maybe nabe you talked about before? (in Osaka)

K wasn't impressed 😆

T: canned mackerel for me.

F: for when you drink etc? No, just like that?

They all laughed here a bit.

Suddenly K jumped in with a new topic.

K: in Osaka you talked about the theme behind Kyo's outfit, you said it was pink but he pointed his green hair as the main point.

F: that was difficult.

K: tbh I also thought the main idea was pink (he also talked about Kyo's use of Kansai dialect)

T: 'what were you able to do after becoming an adult?'

F: there's a lot of food people start eating when they grow up.

T: food topic again? 😆

F: for example for me it was raisins.

T: as I get older I can drink more. When we just debuted I couldn't drink at all.

F: drinking wine?

T: おっさんだから・'cause I'm an old guy.

K started talking about the food he couldn't handle when he was small but the next question kinda made me forget it 😅

' 'wet cat food is actually quite good, have you ever tried?'

F: I have a cat and sometimes when I give my cat wet food some will get on my fingers. I'd just lick it. You know some of it, the mackerel or tuna, it looks so good.

T: please send me a video when you eat cat food next time.

😂

(but to be fair most of canned cat food in Japan is 100% fish🤷‍♀️)

K: 'when you can tour again what local specialities do you want to eat?'

F: motsunabe in Fukuoka

T: miso type?

F: of course (if not Shinya would kill him)

K: what did you eat in Sendai?

F: bento

K: in Nagoya?

F: nothing special

T: we had normal bento, but it was miso katsu (Nagoya's style cutlet)

F: but if it's not in a restaurant it's not the same. Anything you want to eat, T?

T: Beki soba from Niigata.

F: have you tried it before?

T: when we went there on a tour, I really like soba.

They talked but more about food, tare katsu, okonomiyaki from Hiro and Jiro again.

T: is Jiro really that good?

F: 😍

K: I've tried it before, but it's (just) okay.

F: it's all about how the noodles taste (type of flour etc)

(more food talk, choosing between salt and tare options)

K: 'what's your favorite onigiri (rice ball)?'

F: how about you, K?

K: I don't eat onigiri.

T: Me also, but if I have to choose it's sujiko/salted salmon roe.

K (about not eating onigiri much): right, you only eat soba.

T then told us the story how much he loved salmon roe even as a child. When he was quite small he went shopping to the local supermarket with his grandmother. When he saw salmon roe in the shop he just started eating it directly from the shelf/container. Of course when his grandmother and supermarket staff found out it got very noisy, but because he was so young it was forgiven.

(back to onigiri topic)

Ta: salmon for me.

F: oh that is nice, I love the most tamago-kake-gohan rice ball (TKG is a very simple, traditional Japanese breakfast dish - just rice with a raw egg eaten with soy sauce, sometimes other toppings), the Newdays chain is selling them

K: the chain operates only in this area, no?

F explained that there are Newdays in other places too, fe Sendai. He also really got into explaining all pros incl the tasty gooey filling inside of the rice ball.

K (imitating F) oh that's nice 😂

F: 'it got so cold recently, what's your favourite season?'

T: spring or fall, I don't hate winter but I definitely don't like summer.

K: fall. (he said as this year wasn't too cold he could go out a bit during breaks)

F: so 2~3 weeks ago was your fav time.

K: here in Tokyo at least.

F: 'as we're staying home much more now do you have a recommended tv series or a channel?' (not just a movie)

K: Cobra kai.

F: ah, you tweeted about it.

K: it will be on Netflix next month, the 3rd season.

K talked about The Karate Kid (Japanese title 'Best Kid').

F: I don't know it.

Ta: me too.

K (shocked): you're serious???

T: I know, of course.

F: 'Best Kid'? 'Best Fit?'

T: just stop it🙃

F: how about your recommendation, T?

T: The BOYS on Prime.

K: I haven't seen it, but it seems interesting.

T: it is! I also like BOSCH. I'm just watching like after work and so on.

After that K talked about how cinema with the capacity reduced by half was nice because you could put your bag on the seat next to you etc, but recently came back to the full house (Demon Slayer did that...)

F: 'how do you feel being in front of people first time in a while?'

T: I'm sorry it has to be done this way

F: don't say that😆

(missed K's reply)

T: it's tiring to be in front of people.

F: but we do it in an interesting way.

T: yeah.

T: 'what's your favourite game? Even including older ones like famicon?'

K: games?

T: Spelunker on Amicon😆

T/K in agreement: where you die so quickly

K: PS5 is so popular, I didn't win.

F: it seems Kyo won once but the information he submitted had a mistake.

K: I applied for Sony's lottery and Big Camera's.

F: you don't want PS5, T?

T: recently I don't play.

K: what about the... what was it Tsushima?

They all reacted with 'ah'

F: what kind of game is it?

K: don't ask me😅 but it looks interesting.

T: it seems to be very popular abroad.

F: 'what's your favourite way to eat ozoni?'

(A new year soup with rice cakes)

Ta: the soy sauce based soup, with grilled mochi.

F: but what ingredients do you add?

K: isn't that way too detailed??

Ta (tries): spring onion etc

K listed grilled mochi, spinach, carrot etc. Then he told us about his family tradition to properly make rice cakes for New year, pounding was so loud even if you wanted to watch tv, you couldn't. But then they had enough for a month.

T: soy sauce style.

F: with miso or?

T: I said soy sauce.

F: what ingredients?

T: rice cakes, spinach, and what is that... (he started to make circles with his hand) ...?

F: naruto?

T (yeah that/nods)

F: in my family we do soy sauce, rice cakes, carrot, fish cakes etc.

K (ignoring F comment that they should finish now, in a teasing way): what about osechi, which dishes do you like?

F: konbu maki or kurikinton.

K: how about you, T?

T: that egg dish that is kinda like this (he gestured the shape again)?

Ta: tatemaki?

F: datemaki!

T: I think it's datemaki.

K: I like that beef roll with carrot and green beans inside (its 牛肉の八幡巻き)

F (making very dreamy face): Aaaaaaah that😍 green beans are so good.

F: ok, thank you all.

K: what about Tooru (Ta)?

F: it's time, sorry.

Last comments.

Toshiya: thank you all for gathering here despite the COVID situation. It's difficult to do concerts now so we tried doing film screenings. In difficult times like this it's not only about the band members, there's our staff and also the venues. I'd love to play concerts again, please wait for us.

Kaoru: it is a difficult situation to share my personal opinion... if we can't do the concerts in a way everyone can enjoy... enjoy, it will affect our relationship of mutual trust. I think this (COVID) situation will continue for some time still, so I think it's better to go with the film screening events. But we will keep checking the situation. Please stay healthy and I hope all of you will come to watch it.

#dir en grey #the world you live in #kaoru #toshiya #薫 #zepp tokyo #fujieda #takabayashi

[activelytaemin]

growing pains [lee taemin]

◇ lee taemin x fem! reader

angst-ish? | college!au | non-idol!au

warnings: mature language, unedited

2.0k April 8th, 2021

everything written in this story is completely FICTION. i personally do not believe that this story aligns with any of the idol’s real lives. ultimately, this story is not meant to intentionally defame any idol in any way.   

chapter one [congratulations, but not really]

Dear {Y/N},

Congratulations! I am pleased to offer you admission to the University of California, Riverside for fall 2021.

the golden word congratulations lit up y/n’s eyes as she screamed falling into her brother’s arms.  tears emerged from her eyes realizing that she would finally leave the colorful city of busan for the sunny shores of california; this was a cultural reset that guaranteed her an infinite amount of memories to come.  

“i did it! jimin, i studied so hard”, she sobbed, grasping onto his slim frame.  “it feels worth it like—“, she paused to wipe her tears with her sleeves, “all my late nights, immense sacrifices, and good grades have made this worth it.”  

jimin rolled his eyes playfully and lightly pushing her off of him. “yeah, of course you made it in”, he scoffed jokingly, “we’re a family geniuses. you weren’t raised to be a dumbass.” he ruffled her hair before y/n grabbed his wrist.  

“i guess that’s why both of my brothers are stuck here—“, y/n held his hand lovingly before sarcastically stabbing his back, “especially the one named park jimin, he didn’t get accepted into any ivy’s or safety’s. now he’s stuck going to an online university.” she released his hand before smiling to truly appreciate him, “but all jokes aside, i couldn’t have done this without you.”

her mind wandered to the thought of sunny california. the excitement built up in her like air filling a balloon. there were nerves trapped within because this sense of curiosity and control was foreign.

would there be snow? 

what types of people would there be? 

how perfect does my english have to sound?

there were several wonders because south korea was engrained to her memory.  for the past eighteen years, korea was her home. there would be no more hanboks on seoullal, honorifics for friends, and (most importantly) her beloved family.  without her family, she wanted to venture on the outside on her own. yet, there would always be a yearn for the feeling of home. the universe finally served her freedom on a platter. she could finally leave the nest to fly.

was she ready for it?

“y/n, don’t forget that you won’t be alone. taemin goes to riverside too”, jimin’s loud mouth interrupted y/n’s thoughts.  soon enough, all her freedom had crashed and burned. she was caged once again. 

her imagination was left to torment her. when she heard his name, a roaring fire lit up within her because of her discomfort; the fire will never go out.

scars can heal, but y/n’s are deep as ever.  like an evergreen, scars can everlasting.

“taemin—i thought he was in new york?”, she questioned with a sense of worry. “i haven’t seen him since he graduated, and i don’t really like him at all. are you guys still friends? ”, an awkward laugh slipped out. she was quite uncomfortable at the mention of taemin, and her confession proved it all.

there was something about taemin that irked her soul. whether it was the memory of his being or thought of him physically, taemin would forever be an uncomfortable and undesirable person to talk about.

she remembers the day taemin walked in and out of her life.  

it seemed so sudden.

he never wanted to cause pain, but he left her with the sharpness of his trauma.  whatever was rooted in his cruel being had isolated her from her well being.

it was one thing for taemin to make y/n happy in secrecy. however, y/n had to suffer in secrecy once taemin had walked out because nobody knew the depth of her adoration for him.

jimin groaned before taking a deep breath to keep his composure. “one, taemin has been my best friend since 2015. two, he had to transfer because he had a change of mind—”, he let out a brief laugh, “well, that’s what he says—and three, it’s him or mom watching you.” 

he was taken aback by her dislike for his friend.  in his mind, he believed that y/n would be quite fond of a familiar face.  however, he let it go believing it was just another “girl problem.”

little did he know, taemin was a disaster that filled y/n’’s life with hundreds problems. 

jay-z once said, “i got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.” for y/n, taemin was the 99 problems and she was “the bitch.”

the seriousness in jimin’s tone was irritating to y/n, almost strangle-worthy. he doesn’t understand her dislike for him. in fact, he has a “bromance” with taemin.

to others, taemin is a cool and collected young man that seemed shy to the world while being confident to his friends.  jimin often saw his confident side, and that allowed jimin’s mind to feel as if taemin was heavenly.

to jimin, taemin had an aura about him that he couldn’t explain.  it drew him in. 

maybe it was because he was simply older than jimin.  or, he could’ve just been build with extra charm.

as much as y/n didn’t like jimin’s praise for taemin, she didn’t want her mom babysitting her because she is simply too grown to have her around. sometimes mother’s can be suffocating; they can control many aspects of your life.  it was a valid fear for y/n to have, and she was scared that jimin was going to follow in those footsteps.

jimin didn’t know any history between taemin and y/n.  he doesn't know she constructs taemin to be evil because he took advantage of her innocence. sadly in her heart, she believes the thought of him is bad for her health because he hurt her.

taemin is a monster. an emotionless, compassionless man who does not know how to love.

but, everyone is naive because they don’t understand his evil like y/n does.  

taemin does put up a front to the world, while y/n gets to see all of him at her own risk.

“i love mom, but you’re right”, she laughed in agreement. for jimin’s sake, y/n lied to him and herself, “i’ll take taemin any day.”

“yeah, but don’t forget to wear a mask. nobody wants covid in the states. you don’t have insurance”, jimin scoffed before y/n hit his back playfully.

jimin yelped in pain, “literally what the fuck? you’re a demon.”

 september 20th, 2021

the plane to california was unbearably long and did not comfort her senses.  although she did not mind wearing a mask, the uncertainty of her health on that flight kept her up the full thirteen hours. everyone was spaced out, but the enclosed space made her claustrophobic. normally, her senses are grounded. however, the pandemic blows everyone out of proportion and brings out a little bit of paranoia as well.

y/n was wearing a pink surgical mask to contrast with her plain wardrobe. before she left for california, she chose a long black coat, oversized uc riverside hoodie, and black jeans with her basic converse. she was trying to blend in with every other college freshman on move-in day.

a memory flew into her mind. while on the plane, the remembrance of what home felt like tugged at her.  the pain of missing someone never settled inside of her; the feeling was foreign because the past experiences weren’t genuine. or maybe, she is uncomfortable with missing someone or something because of insecurity within.

before y/n left, her mom hugged her tightly before sending her off with tears; love can be unconditional when it comes to your family.  on the other hand, y/n heard jimin laugh at his mom while giving a wave goodbye; hiding your worries with comedy makes you more worried at times. jimin was obviously good at hiding himself, but he made himself overly awkward this time.

when she knew she was saying goodbye, y/n didn’t feel anything because leaving was thought out to be normal. her mind didn't think her immigration would be sad. it was surprising to see her mother sad, but also the uncomfortable atmosphere jimin brought.

a ding from the intercom sounded off, “we will be beginning our decline to los angeles.  the fastened seat belt sign is now on for your personal safety. please remain seated during this time”, the voice was followed by another ding via the intercom.

as the plane began its descent, y/n gripped one of her armrests while closing her eyes. sadly, the feeling of traveling alone was brand new, not in a bad way. perhaps, the butterflies her stomach arose because she was going to be around a familiar face that makes her uncomfortable.

y/n wishes to hide away the memories of the two of them as if their world's never collided. in her mind, lee taemin was just another problematic teenage memory to get rid of

in summer 2018, the air was different. it was heavy, and the atmosphere was lethargic.  in the moment, y/n felt specifically upset as if the universe decided to rip out a significant amount of reality; the universe ripped something out, indeed.

lee taemin, long-term lover, graduated early behind her back.  suddenly, he is getting up to leave for new york. 

“i can’t believe you are leaving for college already”, her teeth bit her bottom lip before she felt his warmth encase her. tears were pouring down her face while creating a hurricane of bleeding makeup and anger.  “you can’t keep doing this to me. you told me no more fucking secrets!”, she gripped onto his waist before silently crying into him.

“i think you knew that this was bound to happen”, taemin brought a hand to her face, caressing her cheek to wipe away the tears. “the only difference between you and i is that we’ll be boarders apart.”

“i didn’t know this was your plan. you just dropped this huge ass bomb on me today!”, she aggressively pulled his hand down to suddenly push him away.  “taemin, this isn’t just about you. my love for you is real.”, she took a breath to let out a sarcastic laugh. 

“i love you”, her heart ached saying those words.  more tears came out of her eyes before she quietly croaked out with a general shakiness in her demeanor, “do you feel the same way at all?”

taemin shook his head, scoffing slightly. he grazed the back of her hand with his lips. no words were exchanged between them.

y/n was standing there confused, waiting for him to say something. even if the words were, "i don't love you."

however, his response never came, and his thoughts seemed distant. it was like taemin resisted y/n's desire and compassion for him.

the silence between the two filled the air. it finally hit her that his love was no longer apparent, and his place in their relationship became nonexistent.

just like that, taemin walked out the door breaking y/n’s heart as if it was glass. from her eyes, it truly didn’t feel as if he gave a damn to begin with. 

it was unreal, but most definitely her reality.

in her mind she is screaming because taemin makes her feel alive in the worst way possible. he is unbearable to think about because he is a reminder of everything that has gone wrong with love.

he is only a distant memory that she wishes to burn.

fuck love.

but most importantly— fuck you, lee taemin.

#lee taemin #taemin x reader #shinee #shinee x reader #lee jinki #lee jinki x reader #kpop #kpop x reader #kim kibum #kim kibum x reader #choi minho #choi minho x reader #fanfic #ffs #kpop ff #super m #super m x reader #taemin #kpop writing

[aotopmha]

I have a whole bunch of AoT shipping asks ranging from neutral to angry to looking for validation and I'm so tired of this stuff.

Counter to this wierd trend about how the final arc of the series is trash because Eren turned out to be an "embarrassing loser", I think there is a whole bunch to talk about in there that isn't about shipping.

(If you like shipping and are a decent person, cool, but I'm just tired and frustrated with the bad parts of it.)

The whole damn point of this series for the longest time for me has been that none of the characters are "cool".

They're all fucking losers. Kind of like real people.

Why does shit like psychics and flat earth theory still have followers to this day, even gaining popularity in these recent years? Why don't people just overcome their prejudice for other races? Why do people stay in unhealthy relationships?

Why doesn't that suicidal person just start loving themselves again?

I think this irrationality is the main aspect of humanity AoT wants to highlight.

I see people looking in from the outside being mystified by these "irrational" decisions done by people all the time. People laugh at and mock these "stupid" behaviours while perhaps not being able to recognise they themselves might have similar ones.

For a personal example, I always think about people who are angry at animal cruelty, but then pretty casually eat beef, pork or chicken, the production of which often entails a lot of animal cruelty.

For an even stronger personal example that kind of source of frustration for me comes from people who claim their perspective is objective. What makes that particular person the arbiter of all truth?

But going back to AoT, Erwin might be a genius tactician, but he's a human being still affected by his personal experiences and perspective. He hates himself for all of the deaths he has caused so all of his most desparate tactics are going to involve self-harm.

There is a very large difference between emotional intelligence and tactical intelligence.

I think this is Zeke's flaw, too. He is smart when it comes to tactics, but in turn is heavily affected by his personal need of connection and validation. The potential kinship he could find with Eren was the determining factor of his strategy and so were his relationships with Grisha and Xavier, not what the most logical option was.

This is what I think tearing Eren's mask away in the final chapter brought full circle and I think is the most interesting aspect of the story I'm left with after its end.

It tore away Eren's dignity and was embarrassing and stupid, but I think that was the point and because this kind of behaviour is viewed as childish, stupid and hard to watch, it destroyed a lot of (lady) boners. That's not comfy or escapism. It's not the specific kind of narrative that has some conflict, but never really veers into the uncomfortable.

Eren's flaws aren't a slap on the wrist. He is a loser. Period.

I think the aspect of Eren being exhausted came out the most in the anime for me and as I've read the final chapter so many times now, I get much more exhaustion from Eren than anything else.

He is exhausted and desparate and Armin tries everything in his power to change his mind and try to reach Eren. But because Even has grown so strong and is so set in his ways, there is nothing he can do but make the best of his situation.

Hence the now infamous line of thanking Eren for doing something horrible for them. I think the biggest nuance any analysis of that scene misses is that it's Armin accepting he can't change Eren. I get a very strong "if that's how it is, so be it" vibe from that scene. He can't change Eren, but he wants a good closure with him.

I think what a lot of people also don't consider is that again, I don't think any of the characters truly comprehend the scale of what is happening.

I think a lot about people who still deny the existence of Covid-19 even this far in the pandemic and I think many people will only truly comprehend the extent of it when they or someone they care about is affected by it and even then this is even worse when you don't really have time to digest everything that is happening. I don't think Hange's death or the death of Shadis really reached anyone even by the end of the battle because boy were these a busy few days.

I think we had a similar thing happen with the Reiner and Bert reveal. Annie's reveal and the reveal of Bert and Reiner basically happened on the same day and I think that matters however small of adetail that might be.

Same for the fact that the return to Shiganshina was a few hours at most.

All of this can be just handwaved as bad writing. All of it. But that kind of stuff bores me.

So whenever I analyse stuff, I do my best to be fair and assume the best out of a story and its writer.

So I got the most out of AoT's ending philosophically because I think the what if it presented is fascinating.

If you had to choose between you and your country and the rest of the world, what would you do?

I think in AoT's case, there was a small window of time in which patience would've solved everything, but Eren didn't have the perspective to go that way because of various factors, largely the basement memories.

But if you were put in the same circumstances without any kind of outside perspective, would you make a better choice than this?

It's so easy to say you could've done better when you can see the bigger picture.

But if you had the choice pushed on you without any context and without that bigger picture, what then?

The irrationality and stupidity of the characters is what makes AoT interesting to me.

I think when Isayama talked about whiny Eren "being back" he didn't mean it in a condescending manner. I think he likes that irrational and embarrassing Eren.

But the fact that it is willing to have its characters be that way to an extreme degree is I think what also causes alienation and removes some people's ability to empathise with the story and instead be frustrated with it, let down by it and being unable to connect with it.

It's just a fascinating piece of media for me and if there is anything, any piece of media that makes human irrationality as a big part of it, I'm all ears.

I think human irrationality has to be a part of any story. It's called characters having flaws, but if that's the exclusive, overwhelming focus, I'm right there day one and the truth is, I haven't seen many stories like that.

#Attack on Titan #Shingeki no Kyojin #Eren #Eren Jaeger #Eren Yeager #Zeke Jaeger #Zeke Yeager #Erwin #Erwin Smith #AoT #SnK

[emilykinncy]

Normily My Caffeine Withdrawal Podcast episode (transcript of certain parts)

EK intro: I first met Norman Reedus working on The Walking Dead of course. Over the course of my four seasons on our show, I got to know Norman better and better and we became good friends. And in a sort of interesting parallel, our characters storylines also became more intertwined within the show. Norman is so special, he seems to have endless amounts of creative energy that I find incredibly inspiring. He also has great taste in music and coffee which makes him a perfect guest for this podcast. Welcome back to My Caffeine Withdrawal, I am so incredibly excited to share this episode with all of you today. Norman has so many fans and I know this to be true because everyday someone in my life or someone on social media asks me ‘hey, how was it working with Norman? What is Norman Reedus like?’ Well, now today you guys are going to get to know Norman in the same way that I know Norman! We talk about how Norman got into acting and when and why he moved to California, as well as what his life was like as an artist first starting out in Los Angeles. We talk about a book he’s been writing! And he tells a lot of great stories! But first, Norman explained his current coffee setup situation and how he’s currently weathering the quarantine from Costa Rica. 

This gets long so putting it behind a cut!

I put a timestamp of where each segment starts at the end of them! 

NR: Hi Emily!

EK: Hi!

NR: I just set this up cause I’ve been listening to your podcast which I really like and I know it’s heavy on the coffee so I brought my coffee setup down the mountain in my backpack on the motorcycle and this is my coffee jam here (I’m not 100% sure of the last 2 words) so, this is what I do. You ready?

EK: Yes!

*NR shows her & describes his coffee process*

EK: What was the thing um, on Instagram, you posted this picture of a hummingbird, that was crazy! What made you post that?

NR: It’s this person that I’ve become friends with, they only try to post positive things…*he explains more about the person & post* (starts at 6:08)

EK: You wanna hear something kind of crazy about the hummingbird thing? I don’t know if you know this about me but I’ve definitely gotten more like spiritual…but like *Emily giggle* this is gonna sound crazy and I don’t even usually talk about this stuff, but I sort of have this sign of when I’m like guided where I’m supposed to go, and my sign has been a hummingbird. And you had text me and I randomly looked at your Instagram and saw—

NR: Wow

EK: —It definitely was like one of those where like ‘go there’, maybe it was just if there is a god or whatever just being like ‘oh nice, connect with your friend, you know, like connect with Norman…’

NR: I actually believe all that. When I texted you I was having breakfast at this place by the beach, the lady that makes the honey, by her place. And I was listening to your podcast with Lennie. And I had already heard Lauren’s and I was listening to Lennie’s, and at the end of it you were like ‘you know what I hope during Covid everyone can reach out to a friend’ and I was like ‘I’m just gonna text her’ so I texted you at that moment. I have the same thing with a bird like my dad, before my dad died he was always talking about cardinals, those red cardinals. So everytime I see a cardinal I think the same thing. And then the night before, Danai called me out of nowhere. I hadn’t spoken to Danai in forever. And she’s like ’what are you doing?’ and I’m like ‘I’m sitting on my patio with all the lights off…’ and there was a meteor shower, it was called like the Gideon meteor shower, this huge meteor shower that happened. And I saw 21 shooting stars before I went to bed. I pay attention to all that shit—

EK: Yeah

NR: 21! And I was like talking to her I’m like ‘there’s 11! There’s 12!’ and it just kept going. I believe all that stuff.

EK: I grew up Catholic so I kind of, like…religion in general felt sort of overwhelming even though prayer and stuff like that came naturally to me and then just over like the last like 5 or 6 years or so I’ve like really embraced it where I’m sort of like ‘yep, I think these things are happening, I have little signs that tell me like where to go…’. I guess I don’t really talk about it with people much but it’s just, like I read about it and stuff. Yeah.

NR: I believe it, I believe all of them. I’m not really religious but I believe all those signs all the time. I see little signs in everything, yeah.

EK: Yeah! (starts at 9:38) 

--

EK: That sounds like you’ve had a very productive quarantine, or whatever this corona-pocalypse quarantine time.

NR: I’m not good with sitting still, you know what I mean, so I’m always doing something.

EK: Yeah! Yeah. I mean that’s one thing, when I was thinking about—when I was around you more working on the show, was that you were always…like you know sitting down to dinner and then like noticing this saltshaker and this fork should be next to each other in a certain way and then you can take a picture. You know what I mean, like I remember that about you like always making something, I guess. Or looking for the art in it or the picture. Or, you know, which um—

NR: it’s ADD or something I dunno what…

EK: I admired it because I feel like I can be so slow. Like, I love making stuff but I can sort of like piece it together over weeks  and then I finally do—like in my head somehow, like I’m more of like a turtle! You know just like—

NR: Yeah but you make music! I mean, we all wish we could write songs and perform songs. You know, you make music. We all wish we were musicians, you know what I’m saying, so. (starts at 18:18)

--

EK: I remember you telling me a story of how you got an agent by like going to a party and then someone said ‘do you want to be in a play?’ and then you were the understudy and then the guy just happened to have to call out so then you were in the play, you didn’t have to be the understudy and then an agent—and that’s how it all started with acting, um, *laughs* did I just tell your story for you?!

NR: You’re right. No, no you’re exactly right. That’s exactly what happened. (starts at 26:08)

--

NR: I actually made an album, a music album

EK: You did?!

NR: Yeah

EK: Oh, that’s—you wrote all the songs and stuff? Or did you—

NR: I didn’t write any of it. And I didn’t really sing it, it’s more of a spoken word thing

EK: Yeah!

NR *tells story about how this came about, which involves an igloo*

EK: Wait, why were you in an igloo in Switzerland?! *laughs*

NR *tells more of the story…it’s long ok I don’t wanna transcribe it sdhfhsfh*

EK: Yeah I wanna hear your album! I mean…

NR: It’s out—

EK: It is?!

NR: It played…it did pretty well in France, it was on the radio and shit

EK: Yeah, will you email it to me or something, so I can…

NR: I will. Yeah yeah.

EK: I also wanted to make sure today to get some of your music picks because I remember back when we were on the show you always gave me the best music, like stuff that I hadn’t heard. I don’t know if if it’s just like because of your friends in New York or like maybe you’re a little bit older than me so you know different bands than I do. But, I remember like Dinosaur Jr., you like introducing me to Dinosaur Jr. Like I didn’t really know Dinosaur Jr. before you

NR: That’s crazy that you don’t know Dinosaur Jr. then (? I really can’t tell for sure that last word he says)

EK: I know! I think I might have pretended that I kind of I knew but like you introduced me for sure and I like totally dove in. But yeah during this quarantine, what have you been listening to?

NR: *lists some bands* Sean Lennon’s band that he made with Les Claypool is really good. He was on Ride with me.

EK: Oh, he was?! I’ve only see—I haven’t seen all the episodes of that, I’ve only seen, um, a few of them (adsdfdjf don’t lie Emily it’s probably actually 0 but we all understand babe) (starts at 35:10)

--

EK: It was so fun to talk to you today

NR: Yeah I miss you! I miss you, it’s good to see you and hear you.

EK: I miss you too, I’m going to check out that sock method…although I think it’s just pour over it’s just with a special…reusable—

NR: Yeah, a dirty sock

EK: Yeah, but something about it, yeah….*both laugh* Thank you for being on here, it feels so good to like chat with you

NR: Yeah, I miss you it’s good to hear your voice

EK: I miss you too, yeah. *she starts talking about twd & the connection with everyone etc* (starts at 41:36)

NR: *after he mentions everyone from the cast he’s still in touch with* You get these friendships with people and it becomes a big part of your life, your friends on the show, so. I’m glad I’m talking to you

EK: Yeah, I’m glad I’m talking to you too. (starts at 44:03)

From Emily’s end blurb: I hope you guys enjoyed Norman and I’s little catch up call over Zoom, I hope that you learned something new about Norman you didn’t know before. You know, Norman and I really hadn’t connected much over the last couple years (we all know this Emily and we pretty much all know why lol) we’ve just been on sort of different paths (yeah, that’s a way to put it I guess haha) but again and again I’m finding that one of the blessings of this time, being stuck at home, is remembering and reconnecting with people I care about and people that care about me. Maybe you have a friend you used to work with that you haven’t caught up with for a while and now you’ll feel inspired to send them a little text saying hello.

(How do they literally have chemistry on a *podcast* okay bye I’m going to go fly into the sun now)

#emily kinney #normily #i remember the old days ok i'm not putting this in the nr tag lol #jeez this took a while...i feel like i'm back in 2014-17 lol #can't believe he invited himself on the show lmaoo #like i can but...why is he like this #i realize that isn't said specifically but it's kinda the natural conclusion