#but i cant do some of that bc i dont want covid to fucking kill us

[shutupebby]

I want to love and be loved and have home cooked meals with my friends and watch shows at each others houses and go on little adventures and big adventures too where we drive over state lines and spend the weekend in the woods and play video games over discord and explore our stupid town and make our own little family of misfits just like how we used to be

#i dont think the grammar is grammar-ing but... #shut up ebby #friendship #found family #platonic love #vent post #kinda.. #but i cant do some of that bc i dont want covid to fucking kill us #ig mainly the food thing but also kinda the travel thing too

[skeletood]

OHHHHH SO MANY THOUGHTS TO SHARE

Holy shit. Probably the hardest I’ve laughed at any of the new seasons releases so far. Absolutely speechless

Hellhole:

- SOOOOO HAPPY to see them riff again it’s so corny and silly

- Beavis gets to hell and his first thought is where all the biker dudes are? interesting interesting *puts this in my notes

-oh my god already some amazing facial expressions

no wonder this dude ends up with so many cracked teeth in the future

- the boys being inexplicably immune to death never gets old to me

- THE DARKNESS PART HAD MY HEAD IN MY HANDS SHUT UP. THANK **GOD** IT WASN’T ANOTHER ESCAPED SNAKE SITUATION DEAR GOD IVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER FOR A BAIT AND SWITCH

-hehe :] sillies

Overall thoughts: Another great ep this season good job guys, gave me a lot of good little laughs

The video segment was whatever but Arianna’s eye candy so like. All good :]

Take A Bow:

My god. I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen on the way in to this episode and I was NOT prepared for what it gave me and put me through

- already starting the ep strong with some GREAT facial expressions

so fucking real i used to do this to my guy friends when i was their age. not quite enough to put them in the hospital but like. yea lmao

- (monotone) “Take a bow” HAD ME DYINNNNGGGGG

- knowing about all the flavors of mountain dew what a goddamn nerd (knows everything about the different monster flavors)

- “Cherries don’t taste red at ALL. They taste all barfy” little kids complaining about foods they dont like is so silly, thank you for being your childish self its so refreshing

oh man. fuck. its butthead characterization time! finally some good fucking food. oh man here come the waterworks IMAGINE me getting stupid over an emotionally stunted idiot with a big head:

- “not until youre better beavis” first of all shut up. second of all shut up.

- “It’s like, I didn’t mean to hurt him. Feeling bad sucks.” WE KNOW BABY. WE KNOW. SO PROUD OF YOU FOR ADMITTING IT HUN :((((( the fact that bro cant even acknowledge he HAS feelings unless he’s alone. the volumes that speaks to me. man

if you had told me a week ago these were real screenoshots i wouldnt have believed you. at all. cant wait to see the looks on the faces of all the “ohh stop looking so far into it its just a stupid lowbrow cartoon” people like shut the fuck up!!!!! youve clearly never experienced real friendship before and are so pissed off cause u dont know what it looks like

- not pictured here is where they had to forcefully remove butthead from the room bc he was freaking out after thinking he killed beavis. If you disagree youre just wrong sorry!

- not only is this a funny as hell angle but man. we already know damn well he doesn’t want beavis to die but its nice to hear him say it. also he’s right, it was really funny. take a bow :]

- a lot of really good beavis screams this episode too

- BOY. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT “COVID” IS. MR JUDGE IM STRIKING THAT FROM THE RECORDS BUT YOURE ON THIN FUCKING ICE AKJSDSNA

- “-and his friend would have died of grief shortly there-after” I’m- I need a minute. LIKE WE ALREADY KNEW THIS BUT. THANKS FOR ADMITTING IT. 

- also, god is a whiteman i guess kasjndsajkd

In conclusion: both fucking great episodes. I am always EXTRA excited for Butt-Head characterization moments, it just makes him so much more human. Not to mention how happy I am to see that they toned down his cruelty JUST a touch. I honestly didn’t notice how bad it had gotten last season until i compared it to how this one is going so far, it feels more like older seasons butthead again :] Like dont get me wrong i LOVE it when he’s mean its just who he is but it should come more out of a place of stupidity/no real self awareness than like. idk wherever it was coming from last season. These boys are goin soft on us and to that i say: thank god. It’s nice to see them act human. Take a bow has EASILY taken old man beavis’ place as my favorite ep so far and ngl its going to be tough to beat. Funny episode that had me chuckling throughout the whole thing AND nice Butt-Head moments? Oh Mike, you shouldnt have u///u

Anyways lemme know your thoughts :]

#bnb spoiler tag #skeletalk #AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #basically is what i got from these new eps

[rockslesbian]

idk ive been having an awful time, been having medication withdrawals which has made me feel really physically sick, have not been able to figure out what to eat, worried i have some very mild covid bc of my symptoms but have no clue where i could have gotten it from bc i DON'T leave the house and i always mask.

then yesterday my whole kitchen floods all my food is fucked up cant turn the light on cant use any of my appliances or the stove or anything. completely s//uicid//al bc like how am i supposed to live like this. how am i supposed to calmly handle my kitchen being destroyed and KNOWING im gonna hardly get help for it. knowing that all the clean up is gonna be on me when like i didnt do anything and i have no strength for this bc oh yeah! i forgot to mention i have sciatica and probably a herniated disc but i havent been able to see a fucking specialist about it yet so every time i move for more than 30 minutes my back is completely destroyed and i cant walk but. yeah lemme just find "old clothes and towels" that i absolutely do not have to sop up this brown water leaking all over my fucking kitchen. and it smells like absolute shit in here.

and idk i just am tired of feeling lazy and useless in the eyes of society and like no one would really care if im gone bc i dont contribute anything and it feels like no one understands that i am like. a person struggling and it feels so pathetic like. being 29 and wanting to kill yourself feels like im just a loser and it actually wouldn't matter if it happened.

#suicide mention #dont reblog #idk just in case

[vampirebitestigmata]

.

#so my dad and brother have finally converted to full fledged n@zis #no more denying or explaining from them #and i would literally fucking kill to be able to just get away from them and next year im going to college but #if covid doesnt calm tf down i cant get a job and the economy is shit anyway so im financially dependant on them and on god if i thought #i could survive without them i would cut them out in a heartbeat bc theyre the fuckers who like to threaten violence and im goddamn terrifie #d that one day it wont just be theoretical 'them' and its gonna start with me #and thinking about this brings up trauma i dont even put on my fucking tumblr notes and i cant be in the same room alone as my brother som #times bc its fucking terrifying but he always acts like nothing ever happened or ever will and i feel like om fucking crazy all the time #and i just want to be fucking anywhere but here anf cant stop thinking about dying and all i can do is my math homework #my mom uses my brothers info all the time instead of mine bc she never remembers mine and she has albums and albums of photos of him #but last night i needes some for school and it took 10 minutes to find one of me as a little kid and half the photos have me visibly uncomfo #rtable and god its always fucking been like this but all i could fucking do was go talk to my friends and continue our avatar marathon

[g0dtier]

the whole vaccine business makes me think of that news a while ago where it was said that trump offered moderna and pfizer special deals to send vaccines to america before any other country. theres something so fucked abt the distribution of the vaccines. or maybe its my own garbage gov not wanting to pay money

seeing americans my age (25) get their second shot while i work with the elderly and ppl with compromised immune systems and i havent even gotten my first pisses me off. my parents havent had their shots. my mom hasnt had her first shot while working with teens who all go to different schools and dont give a shit about not speading covid. seeing ppl in the USA get a choice between moderna/pfizer while i only got to wait for AZ and once they cancelled that they just went "well no vaccine at all for u i guess lol" pisses me off

idk if its my government, the EU, the USA or the companies themselves and im guessing its a mix of all of them but i seriously cant handle any more of this. im reaching my damn limit here

thats why i get so pissed when i see posts like "THE WEST IS HOARDING VACCINES" like yeah theres 2 countries miles ahead of everyone else and its the US and the UK. canada isnt. france isnt. italy isnt. the netherlands sure isnt bc if we were hoarding vaccines we wouldnt be at only 5.5million people fully vaccinated. if the EU was out here trying to kill india or whatever like ive seen some of yall claim india wouldnt be ahead of the entire EU when it comes to number of ppl vaccinated. You know who theyre not ahead of? The US and UK which combined have 300million people vaxxed compared the the EUs 145mil and india's 155mil. The EU and UK combined still come short of the USAs total number by 50million.

Like youre free to claim whatever you want but at least keep these numbers in mind when you do lol

[cetologies]

i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.

posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.

tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment

i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me 

this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years. 

i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.

i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.

this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115. 

my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous. 

my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240. 

so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die

i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115. 

i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes

and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.

which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.

something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already. 

it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.

it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway. 

i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.

like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.

#sorry i've been crying all day over the last thing #daelin speaks #body dysmorphia // #tw body dysmorphia #tw body image #body image // #eating disorder // #tw eating disorder #ocd // #tw ocd #tw depression #depression // #tw self harm mention #self harm mention // #tw anxiety #anxiety // #tw suicide #suicide //

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

#personal / #vent #long post #endometriosis #mental illness #menstruation #tmi #i need to stop crying but i cant lmaO #fuck endometriosis #literally a life ruiner #like i was already having a hard time before it but now i have zero hope for the future

[kimegumi]

Tl:dr : quarantine and isolation are messing with my head.

i miss the times when i could just say random things on tumblr so i guess here it goes again.

I dont feel like this whole isolation/pandemic is real. Like, it doesn't feel real. I know it IS real, but I can't... I can't help but think this is just a big fever of mine.

The reason why this is making me feel weird is mainly bc... my anxiety is gone. Not completely, but 90% of my anxiety, that is SOCIAL anxiety, is gone. For the first time since... ever.

I have been living these days without the fear of DYING out of NOWHERE. Of DYING because I will be on the streets having to figure it out things by myself when I can't do that bc my brain cant stop and analyze stuff like a calm, normal brain.

I am not fearing waking up. I am just enjoying laying down. I have online classes and I am not, again, feeling like I will die if I miss the bus/the car ride.

And this is ridiculous because I am a very empathic human being. I should be feeling terrible, my anxiety should be at its worst right now but that is just not what's happening.

When I see people suffering (mainly cause of leaders treating COVID as a political stance rather than a universal health issue) instead of feeling their sadness, I just feel ANGRY all over. I never felt so much hate before. I never even allowed myself to think of the word hate.

But something did happen to me these past days tho, and this is why I felt the need to vent.

I was hit by the realization that at SOME point I will have to wake the fuck up because all of this is very much real. One day, I will have to leave my house again (which I haven't done for...6 months now) and that feeling of DEATH IS COMING is creeping back.

For me, at least, that is what anxiety feels like. It kinda feels like you are going to die the next second, but the SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH never comes, so you never feel at peace, you just keep thinking you're gonna die until your brain gets exhausted for the day and makes your system shut down.

Also, I'm on my 4th (out of 5) year of university. That means that soon enough I will have to actually... work.

And this thought alone makes me want to KILL MYSELF so I can feel peace, because I sure as hell know that otherwise I will just keeping living in agony.

I hate complaing about literally leaving the house when so many people are suffering exactly for not being able to go out and etc. But this why I felt the need to share this. I needed to get these awful, selfish thoughts out of my head.

I have been living in a completely different world these past months. A weird dream where my emotions are all mixed up and my brain is confused. I don't feel my social anxiety eating me alive 24/7, but when I do, it becomes impossible to fight against it. The thought of getting out of this limbo, of regaining full conscience again, terrifies me. It does not make me feel better, or hopeful. I dont like it, but I prefer the numbness rather than the constant anxiety.

I guess that's it. Thank you if youve read this, it means a lot.

#vent #venting #anxiety #covid #idk

[mitsurichan3]

This is going to be me ranting and its probably going to be a long one since I finally turned on my computer so I’ll put it under a “Read More” Section so it doesn’t make your feed gloomy idk

The situation with dad still hasn’t gotten much of an update. As far as the nurses tell us, he’s been stable so no real changes. They have been trying to do some breathing tests with dad all week but he just isn’t breathing on his own properly without the aid of the machine. We think it’s because he’s scared to breathe on his own due to trauma. We saw him through a zoom call and its just... hard. Hard to see him like that. My aunts are also hit hard and we all miss him. We miss dad so fucking bad. We are trying to give him words of encouragement and tell him to just take it slow and relearn how to breathe but god its agonizing. we are all broken emotionally and literally trying to do the bare minimum is even asking for much.

Turns out my best friend is also having a bad bad time and just i cant do much for her and it kills me. All i can do is wait for her to be ready to interact after back to back bad news. Being alone in hard times is not my preferred choice but i also understand she needs space. She knows I will move mountains for her if need be and if asked and she gives me the ok....  Another thing.. Like... UGH i hate. I saw this tiktok and like, it hit home with some shit that I do. Cause like it was over how some ppl would lie to you and your response to it and like how some ppl later in life would tell you otherwise and you just sit there like ????. turns out I apparently do have some toxic traits and mommy and daddy issues and it fucking SUCKS. Let me explain. I fluctuate between wanting to control as much as possible in my life (mommy issue, and I blame my actual mother for this) and wanting someone else to take control and let me breathe/feel protected and safe/not have to worry about a thing (daddy issue, cause my actual dad provides that and like, hes not here rn bc of the covid situation and him being in the hospital). UGH i just. what do i do to fix this asdfasdfasf i dont... i dont like knowing this is a thing that has been engrained in my system bc of the interactions ive had with both mom and dad. 

And on that note I had earlier a brush up with mom as she was having breakfast too. just. UGH. this is why im emotionally unavailable to some ppl cause like. how does my mom make the logical leap. I was commenting how my brother didnt pay enough attention to scan some paperwork for dad the right side up, cause he scanned it upside down and mom makes the comment of him “not caring/putting enough attention when he is talking with his wife (which is literally all the time cause they are long distance but not for long (YAY!)) or when hes on the computer or playing videogames” and i literally rolled my eyes cause like we are multitasking????? and I rebuttle that with “mom if we are on the computer and playing videgames its bc we are multitasking. if anything you shouldnt talk shit cause you literally do the same thing when my brother is telling you an update from the hospital on dad and you LITERALLY TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY FROM HIM” and she goes “cause there is shit to do that no one in this house helps with” and im like “mom, the fuck if you would ask then we would help????” and she goes “well i was never taught how to do that i was taught to be considerate” ????  HOW DO YOU MAKE THE LOGICAL LEAP LIKE THAT So I go “mom consideration and knowing you need help and WANT help and knowing HOW TO ASK FOR HELP are two different things. If you were to just ask I would help.” And shes like “idk how” and i fucking lose my patience at this point and I go “well learn then, after all youre not that fucking old to learn new shit now do you old hag.”  We left it at that but like, what the fuck??? why are they like this. AND THIS IS WHY i have the mom and dad issues cause its like this two fucking extremes and i just. its not healthy but idk how to fucking undo all this shitty mess cause i dont have access to therapy anymore so fuck me right. UGH. let me just sleep for the next 30 years

#mitsurichan3 speaks #rant #do not reblog #if y'all want to talk about it or whatever i'll open the ask box or send me dm idc

[tetriminas]

cw: suicide mention

as the cw suggests, ive been feeling very fucking awful in terms of my mental health lately, not even related to covid either

ive been gaining weight after a weird month i had in september in terms of my digestion and its just really bothering me. im already obese and i hadnt gained as far as i knew for years but suddenly its just packing on for no fucking reason and im terrified and i just want to fucking kill myself. i would rather die that have to deal with any of this shit anymore

its so hard right now for me to get any sort of therapy or even a diagnosis because my family lives paycheck to paycheck and the job market isnt exactly booming right now, not that i would even be able to get one with a 6 year gap anyway

i want to get help so badly because i know that all this stuff is stuff that can be worked on and helped but i just cant right now

im lucky that my parents know about my mental health so that helps a little but i cant exactly just walk up to my mom and tell her “hey i want to kill myself really badly today” without feeling like im burdening her with my issues when she has her own to deal with right now

which is why im resorting to sending this post out into the void of tumblr just to get it out in some way bc being bottled up like this is making it worse

also weirdly enough, im lucky to have pretty bad anxiety too because that is what stops me from actually acting on these thoughts i have, which is good, but also detrimental day to day

oh and it also doesnt help that like i havent talked to anyone other than my immediate family for probably like 5 years so im super fucking lonely and my anxiety wont let me even try to connect with other people

ugh im sorry for the dump i just dont know what to do with all of this shit in my head anymore and sorry if the read more fucks up and you had to see this long post on your dash

#ash.txt #cw: negative #cw: suicide mention #cw: weight #? im not sure exactly how to tag that one so hopefully thats good #oops its a text post and its depression ranting what else is new?????

[noahhernandez]

I’m OLD and bored 8/7/2020

1.Is there a boy/girl in your life? No!  2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? If it is Pajak then no i do not <3  3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” A cat, and oddly enough Cardi B 4:What’s something you really want right now? A stable job that I like :)  5:Are you afraid of falling in love? No, but I don’t want to. Relationships are soul sucking and not in the fun way. 6:Do you like the beach? No i do not like the beach one bit. Well, I like being in a beach house but I don’t like getting in the water. 7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Yes I have  8:What’s the background on your cell? It is the scene in Hereditary where he husband is on fire 9:Name the last four beds you were sat on? Mine, Emily’s, Bri’s, lol I don’t really know um  ? Probably like my aunts when I lived with her 10:Do you like your phone? Yes it work 11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned? NO! I wanted to have a fun summer and look for another job and think about studying for Grad School and etc etc but I was JOBLESS for FOUR months and bc of COVID we cant do a DAMn thing 12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? I have absolutely no idea probably like.. ? I don’t know lol 13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? Rottweiler 14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Emotional pain, lol it’s funny bc my last answer said physical I have grown up so much  15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? Art Museum 16:Are you tired? Physically yes lol 17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact? For 16 years because it’s my little sister 18:Are they a relative? omg yes 19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? NO ! well maybe 1.  20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? I have no idea bitch !  21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? no 22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? no  23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? 3 24:Is there a certain quote you live by? no!  25:What’s on your mind? literally nothing its kind of nice like not thinking 26:Do you have any tattoos? Yes, I have a sleeve so a total of like 9 tattoos i think idk 27:What is your favorite color? black 28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Hell if I know 29:Who are you texting? Nobody bc Emily and Janett are at work and Bri (F.) is simply not texting me 30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? yes 31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? Yeah of course its called  i know things bitch 32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Ya of course i can tell michelle faith bri emily and janett everything  33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you? u know probably not 34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? my eyes are dark brown lol so no 35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? i dont care 36:Were you single on Valentines Day? yes !  37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed? I honestly dont know the last person I kissed like i dont know if it was michelle or not lmao 38:What do your friends call you? Noah 39:Has anyone upset you in the last week? No  ! 40:Have you ever cried over a text? Probably ! Yes when I was told “sorry noah i cheated on you last night” like who TEXTS that LMFAO anyways I cried 41:Where’s your last bruise located? hand from work 42:What is it from? oh from work 43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? Bitch i want to die 44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with? leann  45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? my dr. martens theyre like 2 inch platforms lmao 46:Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? No lol 47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style? no omg 48:Do you make supper for your family? ew hell no i live ALONE 49:Does your bedroom have a door? omg yes  50:Top 3 web-pages? Facebook, Twitter, Youtube 51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping? Um, no all my friends shop about an average amount 52:Does anything on your body hurt? My back and my feet!!  53:Are goodbyes hard for you? They were sometimes. Sometimes it do be sucking when u say goodbye but didnt know it was the last :( 54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? I had the sudden memory of last summer when I fell down the stairs at work and spilled coffee all over myself and had to change 55:How is your hair? Short and not combed at the slightest 56:What do you usually do first in the morning? Pee! !!  57:Do you think two people can last forever? nope!  58:Think back to January 2007, were you single? I was 10 59:Green or purple grapes? Green 60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? um honestly i have no idea lmao we arent allowed to hug each other in these tough times!  61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? no !  62:When will be the next time you text someone? I am texting Angel rn actually 63:Where will you be 5 hours from now? Asleep 64:What were you doing at 8 this morning. dead ass asleep 65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Nope !  66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? this is gay yes all my friends but only because they are funny not because I enjoy seeing them 67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today? I did not hug anyone or kiss anyone today!! ! 68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? i literally was struggling so hard to go to sleep last night so I was probably really frustrated 69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes on taking exams normally except my last like ... 2 years of college were phenomenal   70:How many windows are open on your computer? 4- amazon, youtube, CBS and this 71:How many fingers do you have? 10 72:What is your ringtone? like the original one 73:How old will you be in 5 months? 24 LOL  74:Where is your Mum right now? Honestly I have no fucking idea lmao 75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?  because they cheated on me, they were very toxic and manipulative and uncaring and i dealt with it for a long ass time and it literally going to kill me if I kept it up. Dealt with bad anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, I wasn’t eating, and I had to start taking medication and see therapy because of it literally it was the worst shit ever  76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No 77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? Let me think of some- yes. Faith, Peter, Michelle, Bri, Emily, Janett, Angel, Anissa, I’ll still consider Keyla my friend too hehe .  78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? some guy named Chris 79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? No 80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yes and I hated it

81:How many people have you liked in the past three months? 0 82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? no lol 83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight? no!  84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? Definitely MICHELLE and PETER. I would ask Bri and Emily to please not let me get that drunk 85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? yes 86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? I literally work at a movie theater an nothing cool happens like the last almost 6 years of working there have been boring 87:Who was your last received call from? Leann asking me where my nametag was at in my car 88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? um yes 89:What is something you wish you had more of? money !! $$$ 90:Have you ever trusted someone too much?  ya it was some dumb ass shit !  91:Do you sleep with your window open? hell no i live in southeast houston is too fucking humid and hot for that shit i will get mold 92:Do you get along with girls? yeah lmao 93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? i dont even know i dont think so 94:Does sex mean love? hell no!  95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? nope!   96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? ew no those are trashy 97:Did you sleep alone this week? yes lol :( 98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? my friends what kind of dumb ass question is this  99:Do you believe in love at first sight?  no !  100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise?  nobody ! if anything I smokey sweared with Michelle like 23 years ago

#personal