#but god i feel so much guilt

[malikson]

i made one (1) mistake in my art class and it’s eating me alive ✌🏽✌🏽✌🏽

#it’s a really bad mistake but my professor wasn’t mad #disappointed with me? yes #and i totally understand #but god i feel so much guilt #i’m always like no one is perfect and we’re bound to fuck up but then i fuck up and i feel like the worst person alive #sigh but we (try to) move on #gonna do my homework tomorrow and resubmit my essay and everything will be fine #logan.txt

[dangoulains-devotion]

you mustn't blame yourself

#FF7 #FFVII #final fantasy 7 #final fantasy vii #advent children #aerith gainsborough #tifa lockhart #aerti #my art #<- i am moonlight elegy on twt #driving myself insane walking in circles thinking about how much guilt tifa must feel #i've already rambled about the weight of grief and other things that threatened to crush tifa so i wont do it again but man. MAN #girls who carry the world on their shoulders #also if anything in this looks fucky just close your eyes. take ur issues up with god. i dont wanna hear it LMAO #i had to cling to the phrase “trust the process” the entire time and buddy my trust was constantly wavering #but this is the best i can do with the idea #i went with tifa's AC fit specifically so that aerith would be holding the ribbon heehehehehe (crying sobbing throwing up)

[daily-hanamura]

#p4 #persona 4 #hanamura yosuke #yosuke hanamura #EVERYDAY IM HOWLING. EVERYDAY IM SCREAMING. #for context this comes at the heel of yosuke charging at mitsuo kubo in rage because of his flippance towards killing saki and he's hit har #but souji and kanji jump in to protect him #like ok a lot of things going on here such as the obvious OH MY GODDDD yosuke being yosuke and taking things on for himself #because he doesn't want to bother people?? because he's made it his own responsibility? because his survivor's guilt is still lingering? #i mean don't tell me he doesn't look at how he surrendered to his shadow like apart from his self-sacrificing propensity #i low key feel like everytime yosuke demands answers about saki's death from the murderer/god/etc there's this undertone of how #he would rather it have been him #he cheapens his own life so much and for what #BUT ALSO!! ALSO!! not just souji jumping in because we know he would he's down bad for yosuke BUT ALSO KANJI #listen you've all heard me talk so much about how i adore kanji yosuke friendships #i can't really tell whether it's kanji or souji that says “haven't we earned your trust yet” but it's a line that hits SO HARD #regardless of which one of them was saying it and i think it hits hard in slightly different manners #it's kanji's admiration and how he looks up to yosuke and how he wants to be closer to yosuke as a friend/kouhai/whatever you want #tatsumi “who's your partner now!” kanji has so much respect for yosuke he wants yosuke to rely on him too!!! #and this stands out because kanji is very conscious of social hierarchies and such but as a kouhai as yosuke's junior #he's so specific about wanting yosuke to treat him as an equal #i smtimes feel bad for kanji because he has a bit of that vibe of a poor puppy trailing after souyo because he wants to be in their convos! #he wants to be included! but critically he also just! wants them to SEE him!! #going a lil off tangent but i think kanji's attitude towards souji is very much one of kouhai respect like he understands his place #of like deferring to souji or getting advice from him and just generally regarding him as a reliable mentor #and it's the same with chie and yukiko? but idk man. with yosuke. guys. with yosuke i always feel like kanji wants to break that hierarchy #that convention. that social norm. to cross a line and be closer to yosuke. #he's more willing to tease yosuke in a way he doesn't with the other 2nd years. and this isn't coming from a place of disrespect either #AGAIN. KANJI REALLY LIKES YOSUKE. he wants to protect yosuke!!! he jumps at the opportunity for yosuke to rely on him!! #i'm getting delulu but there's those hints of “yosuke senpai i want you to see me as a man!!!” kind of energy here and i'm it's yknow hmm

[comradekatara]

something I love about kavik is that he’s one of the only protagonists across the avatar franchise who is even remotely bourgeois. like, every other main character either grew up in a mansion or a literal palace, or grew up in abject poverty starving on the street. kavik faces xenophobia and exploitation as a water tribe immigrant living in the earth kingdom, but he also like. lives in a nice (but modest) house. both his parents are alive and love him very much. his formative trauma was that time he got stuck in a blizzard and his brother got frostbite and a couple of his fingers fell off so now he has to wear gloves. his biggest problem at the beginning of the narrative is the fact that his brother is an asshole. in fact it continues to be the main problem in his life. and the book even sort of lampshades this fact by having him tell yangchen some elaborate tragic backstory that he made up on the spot, that we, as readers, like yangchen, immediately believe because this is so par for the course with avatar characters. but no. he’s literally middle class.

#and he just decides to be a freak about it regardless #kavik #the dawn of yangchen #I guess u could argue that rangi is also bourgeois #but she grew up in a mansion so like. #anyway have I mentioned how much I love kavik lately #like he is so fucking funny #he’s just some guy but also he’s deranged but also he’s a superspy but also he’s pathetic #my brother also sucks so bad so I do feel a deep kinship with him in this way #his guilt complex is insane tho #like he gets caught in a blizzard and immediately assumes that HE TRIGGERED IT????? #what is WRONG with this guy!!!!!!!!! #god fucking bless #(fwiw KALYAAN probably triggered it. what with his bad vibes and smug aura.)

[spacedlexi]

the way the ericson group were at the outbreak just a bunch of troubled kids who made various mistakes or committed crimes and were judged by a system that punished and abandoned them instead of giving them the support and love they needed, are then nearly a decade later put into a situation where now they must judge a troubled child for the mistakes and crimes hes committed against them. and 5 to 3 vote them out 😭

#twdg #i love the way s4 connects back to lees whole 'murderer' thing back in s1 😭 guilt...atonement.....systems of punishment #i love thinking about s1>s4 themes and crying #anyway this is partially why i hate when i see the ericson cast reduced down to 'just some teens' its so much more than that #them being abandoned in a boarding school for troubled kids is SO IMPORTANT its not 'just some school' #anyway its also probably why theyre my favorite cast #theyre literally one of if not the most mature group of the series even while being a bunch of kids who make choices i dont agree with #because they actually love and care about each other. even when theyre mad. because theyre all they have left #i do think the vote was a fair way to handle it even tho i still ultimately find it cruel. they couldve talked it out #but this is still a story that needs conflict to resolve so is what it is #they would rather they leave than have to face their confused feelings. the most immature thing they do. but understandable #they did such a good job crafting that cast for clem GOD an entire ensemble built around her and aj....delicious #zombie/post apoc media about love and community my beloved 😭 #sorry but get tf out of here with that 'humans are evil and everyone dies' lame ass bullshit we are nothing without community #the amount of love pouring out of s4 is like getting my ass kicked but then they give me a big hug and kiss after and send me on my way #s4 my absolute beloved i really love it more and more every time. so much to appreciate even with it the way it is #the themes bro the themes........ the connections between seasons 1 and 4 you are everything to me #it speaks

[zeb-z]

missa, after his self resentment and lamenting about how he doesn’t feel worthy or like he should be accepted, after telling himself and the capybaras that he doesn’t have a home, not really - after all is said and done, he returns to phil & missa, leaving his mini mi in the house on the wall. as if he’d consider anywhere other than the house he shared with phil safe enough. seeking out safety and home brought him right back where he started.

something about how despite his internal conflicts and issues about what he thinks he deserves, he’ll still come back. and for all he worries that he is not enough to be loved in return, his name is still on the warp stone.

#he’s got issues out the ass of his self worth and it’s like. yeah shit man you haven’t been reliable but you’re not unloveable #he wants to be better and he tries and he cares the issue is he holds the rest of his family on such a pedestal #this shame and guilt bubbles up and is only made worse when he isn’t rejected or hated like he’s expecting. he’s taken back with open arms #so he follows phil for guidance as to what’s acceptable. without phil there how can he know if it’s ok for him to stay in their home? #as if he didn’t also build their home yknow #but even when all is said and done he returns. even if it makes him feel guilty even if he thinks he doesn’t deserve it #because as much as he doesn’t want to be a bother he wants to be better most of all. wants to be present #I just don’t think he ever expects to be wanted to keep around. like he wants to prove himself and he’s expecting his loved ones to reject #any sort of redemption. meanwhile they don’t see the need for a redemption in the first place #shaking missa you wet cat of a man you dense self sabatoging silly silly man #stop your hero worship. own up and show up. and let your family love you because my god you are so loved #sorry tags got away from me it’s like 5 am and I’m like ahfhhrhfhshfhhs #mcyt #qsmp #q!missa #missasinfonia #z speaks

[zerodaryls]

it's so funny (read: sad) that if bigoted fuckheads didn't insist i was a woman simply by virtue of my body at birth, i'd probably be chill with she/her pronouns in addition to he/they. if my mom didn't insist i was her daughter, i'd probably let her call me that, and we could still have a relationship.

i'm nonbinary and 'gendered' words are hypothetically meaningless, but because there are so many people who are more interested in telling me who i am rather than lovingly and curiously letting me express my own sense of self, those words carry trauma.

there's no reason a nonbinary person like myself can't be a son and a child and a daughter. there's no reason a nonbinary person like me can't go by he, they, and she.

'she' is not a slur. 'daughter' is not derogatory. 'beautiful' 'pretty' 'gorgeous' 'feminine' are not insults.

to the contrary, they're parts of language that express certain facets of a multi-faceted human existence, like mine.

and i have this sad, mournful feeling that if it weren't for unloving, condescending people, i'd probably be down to be called any of those things alongside my usual masculine/neutral terminology.

but i'd rather die than let anyone tell me what i have to be called.

#i try to reclaim 'feminine' words for myself in private #calling myself 'babygirl' when i need to chill out. or saying i feel pretty. or going 'she needs help' when i'm struggling lmao. #but there's still so much fucking trauma in those words from the people who've forced them on me #who've snarled in my face that GOD made me ONE THING and ONE THING ONLY and that's a WOMAN (stepdad) #who've guilted me for taking their precious perfect daughter away as if i'm fucking dead (mother) #who've mocked me and everyone like me as if we're not the experts on our own sense of self (general transphobic public) #like. i'm not a fucking man. i'm not a fucking woman. i'm nonbinary. gender is absurdity as a concept. i'm done with it. #but being called a man or a son or a guy or 'he' or WHATEVER in that vein is fine and dandy because i've never had anyone say #'that is all you can EVER be'. or worse: 'that is what GOD made you to be and you have a ROLE to fill' #(christianity pls die approximately yesterday thanku 💖) #so yeah. idk. ranting yet again about Cis Audacity. #the complete lack of empathy. the lack of curiosity even. #the condescending bullshit. the 'i understand you better than you do'. the fucking AUDACITY. #i am the expert on myself. i am the ONLY expert on myself. period. no contest. not a debate. #i understand myself better than anyone else is CAPABLE of understanding me. #i could call myself 'she' and understand that i meant it in a nonbinary way. #in fact i could even see myself letting other trans people call me feminine terms at some point in the future. when i've healed more. #but cis people? probably not. they can call me 'he' or 'they' or they can fuck off & never get to know me because they don't wanna know ME #/end rant #any terfs/bigots that try to touch this post will be swiftly blocked and quite possibly cursed. have the day you deserve <3

[girl-bateman]

How does one get assigned as sam coded / dean coded ? Do I need a doctors note ? A psych evaluation perhaps ?

#i keep going back and forth on it #bc i used to identify with dean for the longest time bc i was so repressed and emotionally closed off (+older sister) #and at that point id spent my youth very purposefully protecting my younger sibling from our dad #and i guess in my brain i paralleled that with dean staying behind with john while sam took off for stanford #and dean protecting sam from knowing too much abt the supernatural #BUT having grown up ive now become the one resentful and angry at our father while my sister protects him #and our fights remind me a lot of scenes from the show where im obviously identifying a lot stronger with sam #plus the whole thing abt being the families designated academic or whatever #while also feeling cursed from the minute i was born and crushing at the guilt of everything wrong with me #and trying to be a good person and saving others to make for the fact that i feel an intrinsic evilness about myself #so like... yeah sam is very very relatable too in that sense #bc he also has that hope in him- the belief in god. in angels. in goodness. and i have that too ! #im just also a miserable cynic at the same time :) #so ???? #i havent been in the fandom for long enough to know the full requirements of being a sam or dean girl #(and by that i mean i havent been in the fandom for long AFTER i rejoined from my 10 year hiatus) #i literally would love to read someones page long explanation of what sam coded vs dean coded entails #someone with a spn hyperfixation or special interest needs to provide me with the goods fr 😭 #spn

[autism-swagger]

Tara headcanons :3

(it's literally just angst. Blame @lionydoorin for making me have Tara thoughts)

She can't stand the smell of cooking meat anymore. It reminds her of Amber.

After Sam left, there wasn't anyone buying groceries on a regular basis. She never starved, but there were many occasions where she went to bed hungry.

She doesn’t remember most of the night her dad left (or even the man himself for that matter). She tried to grab him as he was leaving, but he shoved her off. She slammed her head on the corner of the wall really hard, and ended up with a scar on her forehead, chronic psychosomatic migraines, and tinnitus.

She'll avoid going to the hospital unless she absolutely has to. Not only does it reminds her of being attacked, she was also a really sick kid, and she spent a lot of her childhood hospitalized. Even just going to the doctor stresses her out.

She's like. 70% stress and anxiety at any given moment. Seriously somebody get this girl some SSRIs before she has a heart attack.

Her leg and hand have permanent nerve damage, and her entire left arm is kind of fucked up after 6. She has a semi-permanent arm brace, a cane for her leg, and a whole lot of chronic pain.

Christina had a revolving door of boyfriends, and would bring them home sometimes. They were almost always awful to Tara.

She really misses Amber sometimes. She never tells anyone.

#god I have SO many thoughts about her #canon isn't angsty enough I must make her suffer more #*puts her in the blender* #the other 30% is rage btw #--- #pretty much the only thing her leg is good for is telling when it's about to rain #like. it works. she can walk on it. but it can't support her weight and she walks with a limp #so she has a cane. no matter how much she hates it #she just wants to be /normal/. normal people don't have nerve damage from their girlfriend stomping on their leg #so she just pretends it didn't happen. and there's nothing wrong with her leg #-- #Christina's guys were awful to Sam too (when she was around) but this is Tara headcanons so #- #she feels so incredibly guilty for missing Amber #she misses the person who tried to kill her. who tried to kill her sister. who /did/ kill her friends. how awful is that? #so she never tells anyone #the guilt almost eats her alive #Tara tag #horror tag #hc tag

[planet4546b]

thinking of ikora does something to me like. your fucking mentor and father figure who you have an extremely tense relationship with who you helped exile and have felt guilty about that for centuries while you had to hold the political position that you replaced him in is possessed by a hive god and you let him help with important strategic events because you’re trying to support him after an extremely traumatic event but it’s all a lie and you blame yourself completely for how much information savathun is able to get out of the vanguard because it’s your sentimentality she played on right?? and you shut off that sentimentality and organize a huge effort to kill her and it works but it was still your fault and that old man finally wakes up from his coma and starts going after the other hive god that killed him and you’re dead goddamn terrified but also you need to keep him at a distance you NEED to keep him at a distance so you sendhalf your agents to keep an eye on him and ask him to stop in the most horrible way possible and he’s mad at you and you’re glad. IKORA REY WARLOCK VANGUARD. UGH.

#pers #destinyposting #genuinely making me feel bonkers. ikora. #AND THEN HIS BF YELLS AT YOU ABOUT IY….. #the way ikoras guilt and self judgement has colored so much of her recent arc in the most heartbreaking ways. #the extremely complex relationship with osiris. the al of it. god. #guy who keeps a screenshot from the wqarg with the to be osiris student was to orbit a star part on my desktop at all times #destiny spoilers #i guess. ikora isn’t even there i’m just extrapolating

[handsomegentlebutch]

My 3 little cousins were baptized today. "Triggered" is kind of a strong word but being in a catholic church again... I'm a little fragile rn ngl.

#butch speaks #it was hard not to shake as i held J over the basin to have the water poured on his head #when he was cleansed of sin. as if a little kid could ever knowly or intentionally offend a so-called loving god #the words came naturally to me #but they meant nothing #i remember when they used to mean something. when i begged gods forgiveness for my sin (being a lesbian) and tried to pray the gay away #i remember how much i wanted to die bc i could never truly embrace the sacred #i STILL deal with the complex of catholic guilt. its a very real thing. its hard to shake #i cant help but wonder if the catholicism ingrained in my brain is why i have a hard time with casual dating n sex #fun fact: there was a point when i was a teen that i got REALLY catholic #i prayed everyday. i talked to my patrin saint (st agnes) every day. i wantsd to become a nun #the thought of marrying a man mad me more sad than feeling like an alien did. so id marry the church as a nun. #not the way to hide being a dyke when ur fam is catholic btw LMAO #the first priest i knew was father joe. i loved that guy. he was so kind. friendly. briming with love. #he was one of my biggest references for what a good person was like #he talked about gods love a lot. how its for everyone. no one is exluded. ever. #he used to look right at me when he said stuff like that. a few other kids too. all of whom grew up to be queer #then father joe passed away. our church merged with another church. father jeff was the priest there. #he was kind but not as kind. he talked about hell and sin more. he looked at the same kids father joe did. #but the kindness in his eyes wasnt there. #that wasnt for us. #my family wasnt even THAT catholic #i went to church every sunday i did vacation bible school and catechism classes and youth group #i was an altar servant and in the choir #i even used to speak/understand a little latin #imagine how much worse id have been if my mom could have afforded catholic school lmao #grateful to have grown up poor in that regard #hm. actually... reading my own tags. mayne we were pretty catholic actually. #fucking hell. #i need to have lesbian sex in a church before god and everyone. mayeb that would fix me.

[soldier-poet-king]

I literally just do not understand how full grown ass adults go thru life like this. 0 self reflection. 0 concern about the impact of their behaviours on others. Continuing said behaviours even when they're pointed out as hurtful. Like????

#the duality of fran #idk its like the every few months i realize i sort of forgive my parents #bc things could be much worse #and they didnt MEAN to be hurtful. theyre just immature and selfish #they're not deliberately being like that #like their behaviour comes from a place of hurt and insecurity #and Yet its been pointed out SOOOO many times how bad it has affected me #and theyre always so guilt trippy woe is me when it's brought up #and maybe theyre trying. but honestly folks???? I DONT SEE ANY PROGRESS #like I cant cut them off i need somewhere to live + need somewhere to fall back on #once i move out. in case yknow. financial disaster (sh we are not thinking about my fears of financial instability that they left me with) #but like. ffs. ffs yall. I AM SO ANGRY #AND HURT #and im tired of being angry and hurt about stuff that isnt ever going to CHANGE #its a wound you know is there but it vant ever heal it just. prods and prods and prods #like the tldr of u can have a severely traumatizing shitty upbringing without ur parents being actually abusive #and it just adds this extra layer of guilt and complicated feelings on top of it all #like #please. just get a fuckin divorce. oh my god. also maybe dont have four kids while barely above the poverty line. #and then harp on your kids for every single perceived flaw or financial burden they incur. just. yknow. a thought

[rainymoodlet]

i mean legit the best example i can give of dan’s purposeful censorship of his life was in that last post tbh

his reality: horrific absolute monster deadbeat dad who made him and his family’s life a living hell

what he says: my dad was mean to my mom :(

#he’s not LYING… he just… refuses to go further fjdjjf #like if his siblings want to vent to him abt their dad??? go ahead #but dan is a Steel Fortress ugh #i could talk abt him for hours i’m sorry pff #it wasn’t that he was expected to be a protector or his mother or younger siblings assigned him that role - he’s just… like that #he decided very early on that he could Handle It - no matter what It was #because as long as someone could handle it they could all be okay #it wasn’t that he was expected to step between his mother and his father he just… did #and earlier in the same day he and his dad could have gone out hunting and sat in odd comfortable but not at all friendly or loving silence #but god… he’s been so repressed for so long #he only knows how to be there for others - i don’t think (even for as insightful and confident in himself #because of his years of introspection that he has) that i can properly even put into words #how much this man has mistaken having a restricted section in his library for healing and Moving On #he still has trouble hanging out with his siblings - he still feels guilt - he still feels like he’s been stuck in some strange limbo #of life. he’s very lucky to be where he is and doing what he loves #but some mornings he wakes up and he’s still that fourteen year old boy #whose face aches and ribs hurt and when he comes to… he doesn’t feel any ownership of the space he occupies #he’s just… there. #daniel is the boy who practices a few smiles as he pushes himself to sit in bed because he can hear his baby siblings running down #the hall to let him know breakfast is ready - and he told them yesterday that the broken nose was nothing and the black eye was fine #and giving them that relief will always come before the sick feeling in his stomach and the fear coiling around his neck #i could wax poetic abt this sumbitch for hours omg pls bless you if you read this AT ALL idk if anything i say abt daniel makes sense fjfhf #child abuse tw // #military yt man marries local selvadoradan beauty whose twenty years younger than him - does their eldest son have some #Serious Generational Trauma?? vote now on your phones!!! 📞 #dan takin a hit for everyone in the house at one point or another: light work no reaction #dan learning there’s cucumbers in his food: 😰😭😢🤕

[aerticent]

Mareven is so weird cause FAWK THAT SHIP but also their relationship in canon is so special to me cause my god she loves him so much and he loves her just not enough to value her over his need to live up to Elara’s (and Tibe’s) expectations and his need to be better this is so sick

#i love their relationship to pieces #i hate them as a ship like i loathe so much about them as a romantic ship #but they have THE BEST relationship in the entire series it’s just so much #but like her mourning him repeatedly in the series :(( her feeling guilt over killing him and then feeling guilt over feeling guilt DAMN #FREE HER #and him asking to run away with her and then letting her kill him MY GOD #maybe i’ll write something about them in full soon cause they mean so much to me #red queen thoughts

[vulpinesaint]

mkay not to be like. a little insane or anything. but god i've been going crazy over religion (catholicism) and blood lately. did anyone else drink blood as worship every week since they were seven. was anyone else inundated with images of open wounds as holy. is anyone else consumed by the thought of holding onto a crucifix tightly enough for the edges of it to draw blood. i turned in a poem about drowning in communion wine in an empty church while bleeding from crucifix-inflicted hand wounds and trying to talk to god and my creative writing professor gave me extremely normal critiques i feel like i'm losing my mind

#is ANYONE ELSE here. #also i made my poetry insta and i was gonna backpost but i think i might just sit and stare at it until april sfkghsd #it's me and my few hundred tumblr followers on my poetry acc. and the five thousand pornbots on this one ig #life is so. like. #i CONSTANTLY think that being raised catholic didn't do that much to me but obviously it did SOMETHING #you know what. yeah. cause i didn't end up with guilt over being queer but i did end up having my whole world view torn away from me #cause when god is the fundamental building block to everything... #my parents were extremely reasonable about things all things considered #but losing trust and faith in god is like having the bottom block pulled out of your little tower #and since i was fifteen i feel like i've been trying to either get it out fully without letting it all crumble #or trying to push it back without causing more damage #and the tower's never gonna be the same no matter what. you know. #i suck at self reflection so i never actually think about this stuff but dear god does it consume me #like no i did not end up with catholic guilt really. however being asked to examine yourself as a sinner at 7 will do things to you #HATE myself why am i still awake. so fucking upset i need to be up so early tomorrow skdjfgh #screaming and crying. anyway anyone else up thinking about catholicism and blood??? #valentine notes #catholic tag

[ectonurites]

SUPER DARK TIMES (2017) DIR. KEVIN PHILLIPS

#super dark times #zach taylor #allison bannister #sam edits #if you listen closely you can hear the sound of both mine and Allison's hearts breaking! <3 #ok but fr: i know this is gifs. so no sound. but the WAY he DELIVERS the 'you've got a bump on your head' line makes me NUTS #it's so soft. it's so fond. it's... it's a punch in the fucking gut. he likes her *so much* but he *can't let himself have this nice #thing with her* because he's *being eaten alive by guilt he can't accept & won't let himself be happy because of it* and SHE DOESN'T KNOW! #like the thing. the thing is. when you watch SDT you're along the ride with Zach and his POV of everything. despite the obvious paranoia #& guilt warping his perspective/influencing his behavior—we can see where that's all coming from. we understand the motivations #behind the actions he takes. but ALLISON? Allison has no fucking clue what's going on! from Allison's perspective... Zach is this guy she's #known for a while (like they make a point of *telling us* in one of the earliest scenes that Zach feels weird talking about her in the #detached way they may talk abt other people in their grade they barely know—because it's *different* since he and Josh *actually know her* #plus in the script [and it STILL COUNTS TO ME because she *starts* saying the line but just gets cut off by Dennis] Allison brings #up Zach & Josh having had a silly handshake since 7th grade ['oh god that used to make me pee!' <- girl why would u say that to him] #so it's like... these are kids who've known each other for years!) and he's got this obvious fucking crush on her (the hallway scene where #he is. blatantly staring and she catches him for a second) and the moment she decides to actually start pursuing him because SHE'S #got a crush on HIM too... he starts pulling away and acting erratic and sending her the most mixed signals in the fucking world. #and sheee THINKSSS ITS HERRR FAULT!!!!!!!! like. listen. this scene i giffed above? this is what she's fucking talking about later #when she jokes about not wanting to 'scare him off again'. like sure she says it like a joke but... uhm. i simply think there's #a certain amount of truth to it too—because he DID leave the party visibly freaked out! and i think it'd be perfectly believable for her #to think that it was at least partially HER pushing too hard that was causing him to withdraw/pull away from her. plus she blatantly says #she thinks she's the reason Josh & Zach are fighting. like. this poor girl is on the outskirts of a tragedy she'll probably NEVER know the #details of but she's seeing firsthand the impact it's having on Zach and... blaming herself... that's so fucking heartbreaking