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doromoni · 8 months

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Hunting Affections

Charles Leclerc x photographer ! reader

Max Verstappen x photographer ! reader

Part 7.

fanfic + smau fic

y/n faceclaim : Hwang Eunbi

warnings : small amounts of possessiveness and angsts :>>

A/N : UP FOR EDITING 🤍

Summary; Love is but a concept — just connections of neurons that take part in the brain … and yet, why is it the most painful when one falls alone?

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back , until you can’t no more. Maybe then they’ll actually know what they’ve lost.

maxverstappen1 3 mins

viewed by y/n_stills. , oscarpiastri , olliebearman , arthur_leclerc and 2,839,624 others

reposted by arthur_leclerc , olliebearman, and oscarpiastri

arthur_leclerc 1 min

viewed by charles_leclerc , maxverstappen1, ferraridrivingacademy, and 1,626,716 others

story replies

charles_leclerc You’re with Verstappen?! Arthur, we’re brothers how can you do this?!! He is the person who stole y/n from me!! And why are you even at y/n’s house? Are still talking to her, when I specifically said don’t?!

arthur_leclerc I get to choose who I get to be friends with, Charles. I won’t let you dictate my relationship with y/n anymore, she is like family to me. I’m trying to fix our relationship… I could only say that you should do the same. I’ll talk to you in person if you want to say more.

y/n_stills.

liked by maxverstappen1 , oscarpiastri , olliebearman , arthur_leclerc and 1,378,417 others

tagged maxverstappen1 , oscarpiastri , olliebearman , and , arthur_leclerc

y/n_stills. what a weird family date. I came home with can I be your grid child applications. @maxvertappen1 can you handle 2 more?

I didn’t let them drink or over feed them. We followed the meal plan . There’s a responsible adult here (me) 😇

maxverstappen1 we barely have @oscarpiastri for a month, can I buy you a dog instead?

y/n_stills. aw, sorry @olliebearman and @arthurleclerc . Papa said no :((

oscarpiastri yeah nah, I’m good being an only child. Thanks.

olliebearman what? Nooooooo. what do I need to do to pass @maxvestappen1?

arthur_leclerc yup , same question 🙋‍♂️ was our fifa game not enough @maxverstappen1

oscarpiastri @olliebearman @arthur_leclerc you need to win the F2 championship, that’s all. 😁

y/n_stills. welp there you go! That’s the requirement, kids. Good luck 😊

maxverstappen1 they said it, not me 🤷‍♂️

ferraridriveracademy hear that boys? @olliebearman @arthur_leclerc win the championship 🫣

y/n_stills. @ferraridriveracademy … nope, shhh shhh none from you 😀 promise an f1 seat first then talk.

landonorris Max sent me a video of everyone eating McFlurries :)) great meal plan ! Count me in

y/n_stills. what McFlurry 😊 there was no ice cream involved . right @maxvestappen1

danielricciardo Max sent me the same vid. @y/n_stills. What’s up with you and McFlurries?

y/n_stills. MAX!! i told you not to tattle >:(( and fyi danny ricccccc McFlurries are the best, that’s why.

maxverstappen1 sorry, dear 😅

oscarpiastri not gonna lie it was good.

landonorris you like anything sweet 🙄

arthur_leclerc McFlurries are good. I liked it. Period

olliebearman well it is worth the calories

y/n_stills. more than gelato? @olliebearman @arthur_leclerc🧐

arthur_leclerc 😐😐😐

olliebearman uhhhhh

Bffusername are these my nephews?

y/n_stills. you’ll finally meet everyone tomorrow!!

lewishamilton You went to the restaurant!

y/n_stills. We did! Thanks for the recommendation, Lew!

user1 why are they fighting about McFlurries? Did I miss a chapter?

user2 at this point I just sit back and watch the chaos.

user3 I know right? The grid interaction this season is extra silly.

user4 not y/n feeding the grid kids sweets 🥺, why is that endearing. Imagine max driving through a McDonald’s drive through with the kids at the back seat . Oh no I’m soft

user5 @user4 let’s be delulu together! That’s so domesticated, I cant handle it.

y/n_stills. @user4 what if I said, that actually happened 🫣

user4 OH MY!! Y/N !! Nooooo you did not 😭😭.

user6 we’re do I subscribe for keeping up with the Verstappens?

y/n_stills. No stop, this sound so fun! Someone write that down!

user6 you heard y/n! Produce it now!

user7 Max being a grid dad was not on my 2023 bingo card

user8 but we are not complaining, @y/n_stills. pls give us more family content

Bffusername 1h

viewed by y/n_stills. , landonorris, maxverstappen1 and 626,717 others

story replies

y/n_stills. I got you boo 😘

bffusername I also want the pin thingy you have >:(( how do I get that?

y/n_stills. you mean the team access badge? HAHAHAH either work for a team or date a driver 🤷‍♂️

Bffusername oh… HAHAHAHAHAHHA

y/n_stills. COME ON BE A WAG , choose someone single from the grid!!

Bffusername df y/n? The only people I know here are you and Max. Oh and that guy I bumped into before going to the garage. I think he followed me just now?

y/n_stills. b/f/n?!! WHAT?!! Spill!! I leave you for 1 minute for work and you already found someone.

Bffusername Dude chill! I’m a singer, he probably followed me because of that, though it was my private account… maybe he made a mistake. I think you know him quite well actually! He said his name was Nando Lorris?

y/n_stills. NO. Shut up. b/f/n….do you mean Lando Norris? Was his hair brown and messy , green eyes and was he wearing orange?

Bffusername YES! THATS HIM! yeah I bumped into him outside the McLaren(?) garage. The one beside the Ferrari one.

y/n_stills. And He followed you on instagram? your private one? I can’t wait to rub this in his face!! HAHAHAHAHAHA this is GOLD.

Bffusername what do you mean?

y/n_stills. Oh nothing my gorgeous best friend ~ hang on tight for a few more minutes, I’m almost done with work

Bffusername No worries , babe! It’s urgent and I’m a big girl and I can handle myself 😘.

I quickly pulled out my messages and started text bombing Lando.

————-F1 Breaking-————

FIA denies Ferrari’s appeal towards claims of impeding towards Leclerc by Red bull's Verstappen , Perez and McLaren's Norris, Piastri. Both teams will not face any penalties and will continue the race with a warning.

————————————

b/f/n and I strolled through the circuit, trying to find our way towards the red bull car of max in the front of the grid. Finding the act to be a difficulty as the grid became packed with people trying to have a look at the cars and some looking for a chance to talk to the drivers.

Holding onto b/f/n’s hand , I tried to lead us towards the front — when a mic suddenly appeared and the all too familiar friendly voice of David Croft boomed, and the camera focused on us.

“Y/N! It’s Lovely to see down here again! We have been missing your presence at Sky. So how have you been? “ A feeling of fondness blossomed in my heart at the sight of an old colleague and friend.

With a smile . I answered the jolly commentator

“Crofty! It’s lovely to see you too! Well, i’ll admit it’s quite weird to be at the receiving end of the microphone. I’ve been great, thank you for asking! “ Crofty’s eyes fell towards my best friend , who interestingly was a very popular singer.

A chuckle fell from my mouth as Crofty started to fire questions towards the clueless b/f/n — who did not realise that the person she was talking to was the colleague that i’ve told her stories about on so many occasions.

“Ms. b/f/n, What a surprise to see you here, a pleasant surprise of course! I didn’t know that you were a fan of the sport! Are you having fun so far?”

“Oh, well I don’t really know much about F1 to be considered a fan. Y/n , here begged me to finally meet her friends and to see what all the fuss was about. Well, I’ll admit, everything has been exhilarating so far! The energy here is amazing. “

“Well thank you so much for talking to us , Ms. b/f/n! And y/n we really do need to catch up more often~ bye ladies!” Clutching b/f/n’s hand a little tighter as people kept pushing through.

I continued to venture towards Red Bull. Then a flash of orange lingering towards my right and a thought came to mind. With a smirk playing on my lips, I pulled b/f/n towards the car of the one and only Nando Lorris

“Y/n, where are you taking me? The red bull cars are that way” b/f/n said as she pointed towards the front of the grid. Pasting my most innocent smile on, I only looked at her and continued to pull.

“Oh Landoooo~” I chimed as soon as we were close enough for the British driver to hear. At the sound of my voice , he turned around — his green eyes slowly growing bigger at the sight of my companion. A sly grin formed on my lips.

“b/f/n this is Lando , Lando this is b/f/n. Isn’t it nice that my best friends are finally meeting each other? You two get to know each other , I’ll go find Max. Ok? Bye! I’ll find you before the anthem starts! Lando will explain ~ “ I dashed away as soon as I said bye, not leaving enough time for any of them to interrupt. Better make great use of the opportunity, Lando.

Skipping through the crowd, as the Red and Blue car of my boyfriend grew nearer. And there stood Max, in all his glory; clothed in his fireproofs with his race suit only zipped halfway. A faux red bull can in his hand , teeth gently biting the straw as he spoke to his race engineer. Dark blonde hair deliciously tousled from his balaclava. Skin flushed red from the heat of the engine

Appreciating my boyfriend, my eyes travelling all over his physique. Max was made for racing, he was so in tune with the environment, the car, the people… everything — it was electrifying to witness. Oh how did I not see him sooner.

Feeling my gaze on him, Max’s eyes found mine. A charming smile overtook his features, as he beckoned me towards him. As I came near enough, Max had pulled me into his arms and placed a kiss on my lips, a hand cupping my jaw.

The mix of the sudden public display of affection and my already heated thoughts made blood rush to my cheeks. Embarrassed , as I hid my face in his embrace and mumbled.

“Max, people are watching”

“Let them watch, I don’t care,” Max said as he placed another peck on my forehead. I lifted my head to look into his eyes, my chin resting on his hardened chest. A look of fondness flashed through his features as he quickly planted another kiss on my lips making me melt into his embrace even further.

“Max , when I said people watching, I meant our boss is watching” I said chuckling softly as I looked towards the direction of Christian Horner, who was now faking a cough along with Max’s other engineers.

“Alright! I’m sorry! “ Max said jokingly , as he let me out of his embrace— only to catch my hand in his and intertwine our fingers in the process.

“How was your day , Liebling? Oh , where is b/f/n? “ Max said as he pulled us to a quieter part of the track. At the mention of b/f/n’s name , the sly grin once again graced my face.

“Everything was alright, love~ and b/f/n is with McLaren” A look of confusion was present in the Dutchman’s face.

“She knows someone from McLaren? I thought you and I were the only people she knew here”

“ Well apparently, my dearest Emilian , a certain McLaren driver “bumped” into b/f/n and “accidentally” followed her private instagram account” I spilled with a cheeky-est smile I could muster.

Then suddenly a look of understanding passed through Max

“NOOOO LANDO?!! how didn’t I see this? He follows all her public accounts and he’s always listening to her music “ Max eyes were shot wide , I giggled as I nodded to him

“That’s what I said!! Lando better not screw this up” I stated elated that Max was in the same wavelength. Suddenly the alarm that the nation’s anthem would be starting soon rang, catching both Max's and I's attention.

“My Love, I need to fetch b/f/n. I’ll see you again in the garage, okay?” I detached my hand from his , only to find its way to his structured jaw

“Good luck and please be safe. Win or lose, you will always be my champion” Max leaned his forehead to mine, a habit the he grew to do everytime that he was overwhelmed with emotion.

“I love you, Liebling”

“And I love you , Max”

Gazing into his eyes, then placing my lips to his once more . Not noticing the splash of red passing behind us.

—————-

“And it’s lights out, and away we go!” And With Crofty’s signature phrase, the racr had officially begun.

The first few laps had been successful for all teams, having no collisions or machinery errors this far into the race.

Time passed as quickly as the cars had. The laps had been halved, with teams gaining positions while others have lost positions; and Ferrari belonged to the latter.

The race was going as usual, with Max leading grid. Until a weird radio call from Checo’s car was broadcasted.

*radio beep*

* WHAT IS LECLERC DOING?? He didn’t leave enough space! We almost collided again, that’s twice!! Is the FIA investigating?*

* Copy , Checo. We will talk to the stewards again. *

* What position am I in now?*

* That’s P4, P4*

*radio end*

Then another radio call was heard, this time it was from Hamilton in the Mercedes car.

*radio beep*

* I see , a Ferrari behind . Will they be attacking? *

* that is Leclerc and Ferrari will not attack and they will conserve the tires*

* Cop- WHAT THE ****! Leclerc suddenly attacked! He’s infront but his tires are not good*

*radio end*

Confusion filled all the team garages, including the Italian team in red . As another radio call was broadcasted, this time it was from Ferrari themselves

*radio beep*

*Charles do not push! Tires are degraded!*

* Charles, do you copy?*

* LECLERC BOX BOX! TIRES ARE DEGRADING FAST, YOU’LL BLOW A TIRE*

*radio ends*

A sudden silence filled the air as people tried to understand the situation. As engineers busied themselves with data and informing drivers of the situation. Anxiety filled me as Charles slowly closed the gap between his Ferrari and Max’s Red bull. The sudden departure of b/f/n didn’t help either , as she had an urgent family matter to handle.

Everyone was holding their breaths as the last lap of the race approached. I focused my eyes on the screen and listened closely to the commentator.

“It's the final lap and It's a neck on neck for Verstappen and Leclerc! It's Verstappen! No! It's Leclerc! It's the final turn before the chequered flag. Leclerc is gaining on Verstappen, here comes the final turn. Verstappen breaks last! But Leclerc is not far behind. “

“AND THE FERRARI AND REDBULL TOUCH! WHEELS HAVE MADE CONTACT. BOTH CARS ARE LOSING CONTROL! AND LECLERC AND VERSTAPPEN GO OUT SPINNING.”

Crashes and collisions are not unusual to the high speed sport of Formula 1, yet it does not diminish the depravity of it all . I couldn't shake the worry and dread that swallowed my every emotion. Nerves spiking as my leg bounces uncontrollably at the sight of the cars colliding and spinning off track. Panic increasingly grew as the garage turned to radio silent…

“AND LECLERC GOES INTO THE BARRIER BUT VERSTAPPEN HAS FOUND TRACTION! AND MAX VERSTAPPEN CROSSES THE CHEQUERED FLAG! HE HAS WON! THAT'S ANOTHER WIN FOR MAX AND REDBULL.”

As the crowd cheered, the garage of red and blue was filled with ecstatic mechanics patting each other on the back and engineers chattering over each other as they celebrated another race win.

Even as the air filled with cheers and excitement, I could only think about the wellbeing of Max. Was he alright , Is he hurt? Only these thoughts filled my mind. I silently chewed on my lip as my leg continued to bounce and my fingers tapped on my other knee – with my head down and eyes shut close, as I tried to assure myself that Max was not going anywhere.

Startled, at someone’s hand on my shoulder – I opened my eyes. A piece of metal equipment, painted a deep blue color was in my line of sight, a headset. Abruptly lifting my head, I was faced with one of Max’s race engineers . He supported a comforting smile as he placed the headset into my hands.

“Christian said you could talk to him, you tell him he won, yeah?”

Quickly understanding the situation, I was on my feet. With a quick smile and thank you, I placed the headset on – it was slightly heavy and a shiver ran up my spine as I felt its shocking coldness on my face. Not wasting any more time, I pressed the radio button that allowed me to communicate with Max.

*radio beep*

*MAX! Are you alright!? Are you hurt in any way?*

*Y/N? Wha-?*

*It's me. Love, are you alright? Please tell me you’re okay*

A bit confused, yet more so delighted to talk to his partner on his car radio , Max replied – without a worry that everyone tuned in all over the globe would be able to hear. Because, He was proud to call y/n, his and If he were to choose, he will always have his Liebling’ voice to listen to in every race in his entire life.

*I'm alright. Liebling. I’m not hurt, just a bit dizzy. And no, I do not need medical attention. Thank you for worrying though. *

A smile can be heard through the driver’s radio as he talked. Shocking fans and presenters from the softness and warmth of the Dutch Drivers voice as he spoke to his girlfriend.

* That was quite a spin Max, you scared me! you almost crashed into the wall! You idiot … but congratulations that’s P1! P1! You won! Love, that's another podium!*

* Nice, Nice! Simply lovely! And I simply love you my Schatz!!*

*That’s so going on live tv …You’re so lame! I love you too, see you on the podium! Your engineer needs the headset back, ciao dear.*

*Your love hurts, dear HAHAHA. Yeah, let me talk to GP. *

*radio end*

The feeling of worry and dread leaving my system at Max’s assurance. I thanked the engineer again and I returned the headset back , with a grin on my face – now giddy for Max and the team’s success. Skipping out of the Red Bull garage making way to congratulate Max at the barricade with the rest of the crew.

When suddenly a red gloved hand held my arm – stopping me in my tracks.

It’s Carlos! I smiled as I greeted him.

“Hey Chili! Congrats on the race~ what’s up?”

“Hola, Nina , thank you… ” the smile on my face slowly dimmed and replaced concern . Carlos was not looking at me straight, his demeanour was not at all normal – he was fidgety and restless.

“Carlos? Is everything alright? You could tell me” I asked, trying to catch his line of sight.

“I, uh… Y/n its about Charles ..he’s has gone mad” my concern suddenly morphed into confusion.

“What do you mean by that C?” I tried probing. His eyes darted left and right , surveying for any filming cameras.

“When the FIA differed Ferrari’s appeal towards Red bull and McLaren , Charles lost it and started trashing the motorhome. And during the race , he ignored all team orders… especially during the last lap. He was told not to push and attack Max. ”

I was suddenly speechless. All the color on my face drained and my palms started to clam up. Brows furrowing as I stared at Carlos , nothing coming out my mouth.

“Pierre and I are planning an intervention before this goes way out of hand and before people get killed on that track. I know that we are asking so much , but we need you with us Y/N” My eyes shot wide as his request registered to me. My throat is growing dryer by the second.

“Carlos , I don’t kno– I’m not su-. I'm sorry, I can't give an answer now. Please let me think about it, ” I pleaded.

“Yes! Y/n ,of course. Just think about it . ” Carlos quickly replied.

“Thank you , C” I smiled as quickly side hugged him and scurried away , desperately trying to find Max or any familiar face from Red Bull.

As I neared the barracks, I schooled my expression — trying to forget what I just heard from the Spanish driver. This was not the time to make things about myself, it was time to celebrate the success of Max and the team.

y/n_stills.

Liked by maxverstappen1, landonorris, olliebearman, and 1,761,941

tagged maxverstappen1

y/n_stills. Another P1! A monster on the streets and the sheets

maxverstappen1 what can I say 🤷‍♂️and thank you , Liebling.

y/n_stills. 🤭🤭🤭

landonorris what is this caption y/n ?????

y/n_stills. what it’s true 😇

landonorris you two are disgusting

y/n_stills. I wouldn't be too quick to say that Norris , I have dirt on you hehehehe

oscarpiastri Whoa keep it pg , mom. There are kids here!

y/n_stills. close your eyes , Osc!🫣

redbullracing hmmm…

y/n_stills. Oh hi there , employers! Lovely seeing you here 😀

redbullracing we saw nothing…

171 notes · View notes

severalspoons · 3 years

Text

Eye of Michael Discord Update

My friends continue to be hilarious.

Tumblr is kinda like having a diary except you can get validation. -- @pinkskyredclouds

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I feel bad for Cloud. He's dealt with all kinds of crazy shit. Monsters. Horrible massages. An evil entity. Cross-dressing. -- @pinkskyredclouds

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Solution to zombie nightmares: Have them salute and watch their arms fall off. -- Our Legato

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Hey! It's not a Trigun tale if someone isn't depressed. -- @mrhyde786

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They like to show their love by chopping their close loved ones arms off. – Dagdaddy, explaining how Knives and Darth Vader are similar

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Freud was right about one thing, though - having parents will fuck you up somehow. -- @ragtagbunchofmisfitism

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The entire plot of Trigun could have been prevented with good parenting, the end -- @ragtagbunchofmisfitism

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he's a sweet person.. but he's the harbinger of black holes. -- Our Vash’s description of Vash

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I need a hero / I’m holding out for a heeeero til the morning liiiiight / He’s goootta be strong and he’s goootta be fast/ And he’s gotta be ready for killing tiiime! -- Vaki

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Why when I was a kid, everyone was prepared for everything! Typhoons, earthquakes, and customers who go to a store to buy what it sells! –Vaki

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I’m not supposed to do what’s expected. --Vaki

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Me: when Vash acts like an idiot, he's largely just pretending to be anime Rem.

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@mrhyde786: Everything’s going to hell for everyone in Eden.

@vash-crybaby-stampede: ::hands you a basket:: Something to put Hell into.

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Grape medicine tastes like death and the tears of small children. -- @pinkskyredclouds

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She’s cheer captain and the ghost of Wolfwood’s on the bleachers... -Me

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Potatoe tomato. -- Our Vash

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Two heads are better than cooked well done. -- Our Milly, screwing up a proverb

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Wish I knew what Knives said in the vid. But knowing him, it’s either about Vash or vermin. The big Vs. -- Dagaddy

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@mrhyde786: Okay. Thank goodness. So Actual Knives is off elsewhere, and Vash is cuddling a corpse.

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Our Legato: (re: a plot point in an old rp where Knives’ body is brought in) Hey kids wanna see a dead body?

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Not a fanfic without Vash and donuts. -- Vaki

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Dear Brothering intensifies. -- Vaki

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Me: Knives did COVID.

Dagdaddy: Knives caused 2020

@mrhyde786: Damn it Knives.

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like ... maybe if having kids was seen as something like a prize... maybe people would work harder to treat them better??? -- @vash-crybaby-stampede

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a brain divided against itself can't stand. –me

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Dagdaddy, on having cancer: “The ticket to your future is always blank, and as for me, well, it’s complicated.”

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“I missed something while away. Knowing you all, it was meaningless.” -- Holiday Knives (Dagdaddy)

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:briefly wonders if eating garbage would technically be a form of cannibalism in Knives' eyes. He dismisses the ludicrous thought.: -- The Superior Legato Bluesummers

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“Hey there, Vash. You can stop hiding behind this other Knives’ ego.” --Holiday Knives (Dagdaddy)

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@pinkskyredclouds: I heard that he wasn't actually an absent parent by choice, he died when Cloud was young, but i’m not sure how canon that is Me: hmm....that would be sad. was he supposed to be shinra or something? @pinkskyredclouds: We don't know. That's the thing he could've literally been anyone. Involved with Shinra? Possibly Me: It could have even been... ::dramatic pause:: ...your mom.

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“Doubt isn’t a sin,” Vash said, “It’s just a part of being human.” Nick had said that during one of their philosophical debates, and it stuck with him. -- Me

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Me: (Talking about Vash’s beliefs) ...But it's so different in manga vs. anime. Anime he clings to them, makes them his identity, and tries to force them on everyone else. He's like the Christian people bothering you on the sidewalk. "do you have a minute for Jesus?" no, f*** off

Dagdaddy: Knives: Do you have time to die?

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@vash-crybaby-stampede: you don't get a toy with your Kinder eggs? not even on the side?

Me: nah, someone might choke and their parents might sue

Dagdaddy at 2:16 PM: Lmao They made it illegal because you couldn’t get a gun in one

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I'm teaching you fuckers how to english and write a paper wether you like it or not lmao -- @vash-crybaby-stampede, telling me what I should say to my group members for a class project === @vash-crybaby-stampede: whose wedding? Dagdaddy: Uhhh tbh might happen to my mom and her bf Me: lol "happen to.” "What happened? I feel like I was hit by a truck." "A wedding happened to us, baby." "Oh. I guess we're married now" === Dog poop is a blessing in disguise. You can save it and throw it at your enemies to assert your dominance. -- Dagdaddy ===

What if you take dog poop, a butter knife, spread it on toast, layer it under a thick coat of Nutella, and feed it to your worst enemy to assert your dominance? -- Dagdaddy === "I don't snore, Broomhead." He mumbled out from over his cigarette. The biggest lie in the history of lies. Everyone snores. -- @vash-crybaby-stampede‘s Wolfwood

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@ragtagbunchofmisfitism: and I didn't quite sit on it. more like, i was reaching across my bed and my leg was laying across the keyboard

Me: like a cat

@ragtagbunchofmisfitism : I DON'T HAVE CATS FOR LEGS OKAY! STOP TRYING TO SPREAD A SCURRILOUS RUMORS

Me: BUT YOU WOULD LOOK SO MUCH BETTER WITH CATS FOR LEGS (EVERYONE WOULD)

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thievinghippo · 6 years

Text

Fic Update: Mission Zero (2/8)

Fandom: swtor

Pairing: Felix Iresso/Jedi Consular

Rating: Teen

Summary: For five years, Felix Iresso dreamed of freedom. He dreamed of her. Now that his dream is reality, nothing is as he expects. The only way for Felix to move forward is to leave his well-trod path behind. But how?

Content: mentions of depression, vague torture references (but absolutely nothing in detail)

Read on Ao3!

Felix is sitting on his bed, staring at his hands, when there’s a knock on the door.

“Open,” he calls out, already knowing who it is. V’ryss is the only one who visits, which suits him just fine. He doesn’t mind eating in the cafeteria and talking to whoever’s around him. But other than that? He’s been content to let the galaxy leave him alone.

A month has passed since he’s been on Odessen. He’s got to admit he likes the place, especially the wilderness. The energy of the place is contagious. Anyone at the base is there because they want to be. Because they were willing to put their lives on hold and try to make the galaxy a better place. Being a part of that, even one the fringes like he is, helps a lot. Let’s him feel like he’s a part of something again.

Which he desperately needs.

V’ryss walks in, looking tired, but he’s pretty sure she’s hardly getting any sleep these days. Felix thinks back to the Defender, how they would easily fall asleep in each other’s arms after a hard day of work. He misses sleeping next to her. But he’s also not ready to join her in bed. Not yet.

“Finally heard back from the Republic,” Felix says, gesturing towards his holopad. It’s a top of the line model they gave him. Protected security and more features than he can ever use. And he mainly uses it to watch vids. He’s been trying desperately to find another copy of “Squad 223: Mission Zero,” but he hasn’t had any luck. But there are plenty of other vids to watch. He’s got five years of catching up to do.

“You did?” V’ryss asks, sitting down at the foot of the bed, a respectful distance between them. “I’m almost scared to ask what they say. Any chance of backpay?”

Felix chuckles. “Nah, you know the army is full of cheap bastards,” he says, handing V’ryss the holopad with the message. “They want me back, though. Say they need experience soldiers in these complicated times. And they don’t come right out and say it, but I think they’re hoping I’ll spill the dirt on you.”

“Of course they do,” V’ryss says, looking at the holopad. She’s silent for a moment, in that intense Jedi way of hers. The type of silence that tends to make everyone else around her be silent, too. And in those silent moments, Felix tends to have big thoughts. “Have you… Have you decided what you want to do? You know I’ll support you no matter your decision.”

“I know,” Felix says. And he does. It’s nice to have something to be so sure of.

He turns to look at her and every time he does, he’s amazed at just how young she looks. Him? He’s aged twenty years in the last five. He was already older than V’ryss by more than a decade when they met, thanks to the odd way Chiss age. Now he doesn’t even want to think about how much old he looks than her. All because she was locked away in carbonite, taking a force nap while he was being tortured.

Felix looks away, trying to dislodge the anger overwhelming him. It’s not her fault. She would have saved him if she knew, just like he wanted to save her. But it still doesn’t change the thoughts in his head. He thinks back to the one session he’s had with one of the therapists on the base, a miralukan named Q’Lara. She kept saying anger is normal and he needs to accept that he’s angry and figure out why.

But he knows why he’s angry and he’s still not sure now to deal with it. But it’s probably stupid to think he’ll be right in the head after a couple of sessions. Guess it’s a good thing he signed up for weekly ones.

“I’d like to stay with the Alliance,” Felix says. Even if he’s angry with the Alliance sometimes, he knows he can trust them, as long as they’re following V’ryss. “I’m not sure what I can do to earn my keep, so to speak. But I’d like to try.”

V’ryss smiles and that anger he had? Gone. “We’ll figure out something, if that’s what you want.”

“Yeah, it is,” Felix says with a nod. He’s got some skills, other than being a meat shield, and he won’t mind putting them to use.

“Good.” She looks down at the floor and bunches the fabric of her jacket in her fists. Felix waits, knowing she’s about to spring something on him. That’s her classic ‘I have to tell you something’ pose. He’s kinda glad he remembers. “I don’t have time to really talk, I’m afraid,” she says and he knows just by the sound of her voice that she’d much rather be here in his room than what she’s dealing with. “I have to leave the base for a bit.”

“Where to?” Felix asks quietly. He doesn’t like the thought of her being gone or of him being on this base without her.

“A planet called Iokath,” V’ryss says. “There’s a weapon there. A super weapon. Both the Republic and the Imperial Empire are there trying to claim it. I’m needed to try to sort things out.”

“Back to the negotiating table?” Felix asks, thinking of all those meetings she held with the Rift Alliance.

V’ryss lets out a breath. “If I could drag them both to the table, I absolutely would. But our scouts on the planet say that both sides are prepped for war.” She stands and puts her hands on her temples. “The galaxy just ended a war that cost of the lives of millions. I wish people weren’t so anxious to start another one.”

“If anyone can stop them, it’s you,” Felix says and he means it. Far as he’s concerned, she’s the brightest hope this galaxy has.

“Thank you,” V’ryss says and he can hear the gratitude in her voice. “It’s good having you here to believe in me again.”

“I never stopped,” Felix says. It’s true. Even as those sick Zakuulan bastards were doing their worse to him on the torture table, he still never stopped thinking she was alive somewhere out there. And if she was alive, he had no doubt that she was doing good somehow.

V’ryss twists her fingers as a soft smile appears on her face. But as quick as the smile appears, it’s gone. “I guess I wanted to ask if you wanted to come with me,” she says, looking up and meeting his eye. “It’s absolutely your choice. You know I’d never order you to do something you didn’t want to do.”

“I know,” Felix says, and he does. She’s always made sure her people are taken care of. “I think I need more time before I back you up again, Vee. I haven’t fired a blaster rifle since I was captured on Zakuul.”

“I understand,” V’ryss says with a nod.

Felix looks down at his arms. Five years ago he would have been proud to see solid muscle. Now he doesn’t. He hasn’t taken the time to go to the gym since he’s been back. Maybe he should start. Some target practice wouldn’t hurt, either.

“How long will you be gone?” he asks as he stands up off of the bed.

She walks to the door and already he can see there’s more pressure on her shoulders than yesterday. How much is the galaxy asking of her, anyway? “A week, maybe? Maybe more? It’s two days of travel to get there. Then I’m assuming we’ll need at least a couple of days to calm everyone down. Then time again to come home.”

Home. She says the word so easily. The Defender was the last home he had. Before that, he had nothing. Not when he was transferred from one posting to the next. And before that? Refugee camps don’t really count. He wouldn’t go back there for all the credits in the galaxy. Hopefully one day, he’ll be able to see Odessen as home, too. Probably not for a while yet. One day.

“I’ll miss you,” Felix says as he follows her to the door. And he most certainly will. She’s the one constant he’s had since coming to the planet. “Can we still message?”

V’ryss turns around and leans up against the side of the door. “I’d like that. Especially during travel days. Our system is actually pretty good about communicating real time across the galaxy. So we can talk, too. If you want, of course.”

“Wouldn’t mind that at all. It’s good telling you ‘good night’ again,” Felix says.

It’s quiet around them, now, and he knows this is the time he should swoop down for a kiss and whisper a sweet nothing in her ear. Felix used to be the champ of sweet nothings, but right now, nothing is all he’s got. Even if he doesn’t want to kiss, he still wants to do something. So he reaches out for her hand and hopes he doesn’t flinch away when they touch.

He doesn’t.

She grips his hand tight, but not too tight. Nothing uncomfortable. And he’s not feeling uncomfortable, either, but that might be because she’s wearing gloves right now. Whatever it is, it feels good to have her hand in his. It feels better than good. It feels right.

“Be safe out there, okay?” Felix says, squeezing her hand.

“I’ll do my best,” V’ryss says. She takes a breath. “I love you, Felix.”

He thinks back to the last time she went off somewhere and he didn’t follow, on Darth Marr’s ship. A thousand times a day after he understood she wasn’t coming back from that trip, he tried to remember the last time he told her he loved her. And Felix was heartbroken to realize he couldn’t remember. He’s not letting that happen again. “I love you, too.”

With a nod, V’ryss palms the console to the door and walks out of the room, leaving Felix alone.

“Iresso?”

Felix gives the punching bag one last knee, before turning around towards the voice. He’s been beating the shit out of the bag, as best as he can in his weakened state, and for good reason. V’ryss has been gone for ten days now, and he hasn’t heard from her in more than thirty-six hours. When he couldn’t take her silence anymore and got a hold of Lana Beniko, all she told him was V’ryss had been injured, but she would recover.

An injury shouldn’t keep her from talking to him, so of course his brain’s gone to the extreme, that V’ryss is dead and they’re just waiting to tell him in person. Fuck, he needs to hear from her. And soon. But now someone wants to talk to him, so he pushes the worry aside. For now.

“Yeah, who’s asking?” Felix says. It takes a moment to place the Cathar standing in front of him, someone he assumed he would never see again in this life time. “Lieutenant Jorgan?”

Jorgan nods. “Made it to Major before I managed to piss off the Republic enough for them to kick me out,” he says, holding out his hand. “Good to see you, Sergeant.”

Felix holds out his hand, covered by a boxing mitt. Jorgan taps it with his own fist. “I’ve got my discharge papers. No more ranks for me,” he says.

Jorgan looks at the punching bag. “You working out?”

“Just finishing up,” Felix says. Funny how life works. When he and Jorgan served together, he couldn’t stand the man. Now, seeing someone from his past? Someone who remembers him before what Zakuul’s done to him is exactly what he needs. “You want to sit down for a minute?”

“I’d like that,” Jorgan says. “Be good to catch up.”

They head to the small sitting area just outside the base gym. No matter the time of day, there are always plenty of water bottles, protein bars, and fresh fruit out for the taking. He grabs a bottle of water and a protein bar while Jorgan grabs a piece of purple fruit Felix doesn’t recognize.

“Cheers,” Jorgan says, holding up his water bottle.

Felix lets out a snort as he taps his own bottle next to Jorgan’s. This was a man who couldn’t take a joke more than twelve years ago. Also a man who Felix assumed would never change. Maybe he was wrong.

“I thought I saw you a couple of days ago, but I wasn’t sure,” Jorgan says after taking a drink of water. “You new to the Alliance?”

Felix raises his brows, surprised at the question. Then again, Jorgan never was never one to listen to gossip. “Thought everyone heard my story by now.” Kinda nice to find probably the one person who hasn’t heard yet.

“I’ve been on Zakuul these past couple of weeks, working with a group trying to become a militia,” Jorgan says with a shrug. “Haven’t really had a chance to catch up yet. Must be a hell of a story if everyone’s heard it.”

“Nah, not that impressive,” Felix says. He tries to to keep his voice light. But Jorgan’s a soldier, he’ll see through the bluster, and hopefully will have the tact not to dig in too deep. It’s what Felix would do if their situation was reversed. “Got caught in a trap on Zakuul five years ago and got myself placed in a POW camp. The Alliance rescued me less than a month ago.”

Jorgan stills and that only tells Felix the man has some experience with those types of camps. “Least you got out. Not everyone’s so lucky.”

Staring down at his hands, Felix thinks of the worst days in camp, the days when he desperately hoped he wouldn’t get out, that he would die right then and there. “Suppose you’re right,” he says.

“Not to belittle what you went through, but why is someone coming to Odessen from a POW camp a big deal?” Jorgan asks, raising a brow. “I can name a half a dozen soldiers off the top of my head who did the same thing.”

Felix takes a sip of water to waste a bit of time. “They’re happy for Vee, that’s all.”

“Are you speaking about the commander?” Jorgan asks, crossing his arms over his chest. “V’ryss? No one calls her that.

“I’m allowed,” Felix says, trying not to smirk. “The commander’s my girlfriend.”

Recognition crosses Jorgan’s face. “You know, I heard her partner was a Republic soldier who was MIA. Didn’t put two and two together. Definitely good to have you back. She’s missed you a whole hell of a lot.”

Talking about V’ryss sets off a panic in his stomach, worrying if she’s actually recovering from that injury like Beniko said, or if she’s actually worse. There’s absolutely nothing he can do to change what’s already happened, so he tries to push the panic aside. “I missed her a whole hell of a lot, too.”

An awkward silence settles over the table and Felix tries to think of something to say. They served together more than twelve years ago. He can’t remember any personal facts about the man, like if he has a partner or any sort of family. He can’t even remember what Jorgan liked to do off-duty. But if Felix remembers right, Jorgan was one of those officers who never actually let themselves go off duty.

“So now that you’re here, what have you been up to?” Jorgan asks as he starts to cut into his piece of fruit with his claws.

Felix sighs, thinking of everything he’s done this past week. What he should do, what he needs to do is get to a practice range and get in some target practice. Then if V’ryss wants him backing her up, he’ll be ready. But somehow he’s always found something else more important to do.

He wrote his sister and she was thrilled to hear from him, since the Republic told her he was dead. Found out she and her wife adopted a toddler a couple of years ago and just like that, Felix has a six-year old nephew. He’s determined to be the best long-distance uncle he can possibly be. Especially since he’s got no idea if kids are in the cards for him and V’ryss down the road.

Took a while to find Milo, but eventually Felix tracked him down. He’s in an institutional facility now and it sounds like he’s getting the help he needs, even after all these years.

He told V’ryss about his sister and Milo but what he didn’t tell her was he searched for the lady doctor, too. For Doctor Sarah Frey. Felix isn’t sure why he did. It’s a box that should have stayed closed and he did himself no favors by trying to pry it open. Not that it really matters. Apparently she was killed during Zakuul’s invasion of Korriban, where she was studying.

So stupid to even look. He thought he was over that, but the past five years gave him a lot to think about. And some thoughts weren’t too kind to that doctor. He probably should bring that up some time during one of his therapy sessions.

The rest of the time he’s been walking and trying to get in some workouts. Not nearly the glamorous life, but it’s better than what he had.

“Not much, to be honest,” Felix says, pleased with how casual the words sound out loud. “Suppose I should try to find to do to pitch in.”

“You know, I was just talking to the quartermaster,” Jorgan says. “He’s looking for some logistical help. You were pretty damn good at logistics if I’m remembering right.”

“Yeah, I was,” Felix says. Back when he and Jorgan served, Felix thought it was the most boring job on Ord Mantell. But Jorgan’s right. He was pretty good at it. And right now? Boring sounds just about perfect. “Thanks, man. I’ll check that out”

Jorgan nods. “Ex-army Pubs need to look out for each other.” He takes a sip of water. “Now let me tell you about the mission I served with the commander.

“This I’ve got to hear,” Felix says, settling back in his chair. “I want to know everything.”

Conversation comes easy after that.

#swtor #felix iresso #v'ryss hindemith #hippo writes fanfiction #oh look #I managed to include aric jorgan #in a consular fic #my aric jorgan obsession is strong

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seenashwrite · 6 years

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Conversations With The Commissioner: Crappy Monsters In Barber Shops, a.k.a. Nash's First Headcanon + Wine = The Image I’ll Never Be Able To Top

@lipstickandwhiskey kindly thought to tag me when she saw a jovial post that reminded her of my disappointment in the lack of dinosaurs in the *alternate world and hoped to cheer me, but little did she know [mainly because I completely brain farted on posting this way-back-when] this had been addressed. In an objectively bizarre way. Admittedly.

FYI: Spit-take warning in effect, also cursing, should you choose to carry on

Preamble

* Dear SPN Writers' Room*: I'm not calling it The Bad Place, because I'm done with y'all ripping from other stuff, in this case, a beyond phenomenal show - hey! you do recognize carefully crafted season arcs when you see it! - even if y'all thought it was a homage, it's not since viewers of the show "The Good Place" already know about The Bad Place and it's not a physical nightmare, it's a psychological nightmare.

Pay. Attention. Stop ripping from well-known pop culture shit without (1) making sure the “homage” is used correctly, (2) double-checking that something similar hasn't been done before and, if so, (3) adding your own cheeky-sneaky spin. Not doing so makes you look, at best, like hacks, at worst, like doofy dipshits, particularly when it is from shows in your same genre - like a renowned show from the same fucking network that hadn't even ended their run but a year and a half prior to when yours started - and wrapping up *your* season with a title that was an iconic element from an iconic show [it was iconic, for several reasons, that's an essay for another time] which was the basis for everything from a/possibly *the* pivotal moment in the series and which was tied to many of the composer's pieces for the soundtrack, as it was a central thread. TV Tropes is your friend.

Tangentially related, while we're here:

[Shep as Romo Lampkin]

I digress.

The Background

The Commissioner and I pop a cork, start talking about the Wayward pilot. We don't say a word about the scripting or the acting [because if we do, I go down a Dolly Deadeyes road, and nobody wants that]. Rather, we do a deep dive on the things that resemble other things and postulate how this came to be. Not in the minds of the peeps behind it, no, the dive comes via what the youths call a "headcanon". I've never had one before, I don't think, and I'm proud this is the first.

Oh, and a housekeeping side note: While my observations/the conversing began that night, the main convo/legit start on the image at the bottom happened later on. This has been run through the Nash snark filter for funsies, which is why the tone is the same for the whole conversation as, in truth, I have little clear memory of a lot of this, and the time taken for the assemblage of the image took longer than a conversation's worth, since the beginnings were sponsored by wine but it had to be done, it's how I combat insomnia and after seeing the monsters, I needed to purge my feelings of.... well....

The Beginning

After a verbal review (an accosting-of, really) of both Well-Coiffed Predator in a Bane Mask and Dollar Store Doomsday from the Wayward pilot, we begin discussing theories on how exactly this came to be in the alt world. Everything below is based on (a) the fact that New!Kaia's outfit denotes the presence of some sort of killa shopping and/or a hella talented Matrix-obsessed seamstress in the alt-world, therefore why not additional styling like a salon, and (b) the fact that we were lit on wine.

And the Predator rip - who, in the concept art, does not appear rippy-offy, it should be noted - got that mask somehow. He's either homaging Bane all over his face [his own face, not the other-way-'round] or he's gotten hold of one of the real things, modded it a touch to account for the spread of his general mouth region. Seems their temp name is the generic supernatural/folklore catch-all that I was vaguely aware of - "Canid" - and that some dude who's apparently of import on the show hates it, and I concur because all I can think of when I see the name is Candida. The Commissioner asked for a reminder, and I explained what that infection was and that now upon learning the creature’s name, I looked upon it as a yeast infection made sentient. The copious amounts of viscous discharge helps that along.

This then got a general science light bulb to pop, and we again consulted the googles, and boo-yah:

It's a dog. That. That up there, that I linked to. A daaaawwwwg.

No, not a if-this-is-a-dog-then-what-does-the-owner-look-like, maybe-they're-just-disgruntled-puppy-mill-alums type of WTF. The WTF is because I, once again, am wondering if at any point people over yonder are bothering to check shit out with this cool new thing called google. I know. It's a novel suggestion.

Somebody sure as shit used said googlins for squid beak - it's a touch birdy beak, but nah, slimy squid goes better with the aesthetic - and I guess they had to, as they already gave the far superior on the creepy scale pacu teeth to the Dollar Store Doomsday.

Because we were sneery and feeling gross at this point, we needed something fun, so we refilled on wine, and decided to make a mash-up image of the “inspirations” [to be clear: The Commissioner decided I should make a mash-up]. We were also feeling gross after looking at all that above, so for an eye sorbet, we needed some pretty, and STAT. We both instantly knew what would do the trick.

We start the conversation with Bane.

The Conversation

[looking at still from that Batman movie Bane was in; neither of us have cared to clarify which of the Nolan B-mans it was, because we don't care]

The Commissioner: He is so smooth, like, everything, even the fit of the clothes.

Nash: I'll never forget his turn as young Picard in that shit 'Trek movie, what was it called?

[we do not look it up; digression discussion of the awesomeness that is Sir Patrick Stewart]

TC: What's in his hand? Is that a riding crop? Or a shuffleboard thing?

N: Yes, exactly, Bane took a break from beating up Batman to shuffle. Nooooo. He got drug away from riding his horsey----

TC: YOU MUST MEAN HIS STALLION - if he rides horses, they are buff

N: ---to bring the mask, and is he pissed about it?

TC: No. No, because he is a dollbaby - he loves dogs.

N: You're mixing Tom Hardy with Bane.

TC: NO.

N: [realizing] BECAUSE THAT IS A DOG THING, THAT CREATURE IS DOG

[digression googles to look at pics/vids of Tom Hardy with pups]

N: Oh, no, wait - can we make it a putter? Like he was on his way to golf?

TC: But he still doesn't mind, because he's good guy Bane? And golf sucks? Oh hell yes.

[putter image sought; we go back to staring at Hardy, sip wine for untold moments]

N: And Preddie's all - Oh Bane, no! I couldn't possibly! Aren't these custom made? But he's gripping the shit out of it, like, pry it from my hands, bitches.

TC: And he takes a sniff when nobody's looking and swoons. *SWOONS*

N: Freaked-out stylist saw, though, and a touch of pee slips out, because it was weird before, but now shit's kicked off.

TC: Oh, she's already wet her pants at least once, absolutely. Do we need to add her?

N: No, she's in the bathroom.

TC: But you know who we should add.

[Image of 1990s Leonardo Di Caprio is immediately sought; we love the R+J still too much for words and select it with zero pause]

N: But why?

TC: You know he's gonna end up bopping around to other worlds anyhow, and for Bane to be here, there must be other rifts----

N: Low-Sugar Low-Fat Low-Calorie Eye of Saurons?

TC: ----so they're babysitting.

N: THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE [gulp of wine] Hey, you know who should be his foster parents if he’s bopping around to all points?

TC: Is it some side-character who's off-show at the moment? So we can get the show back to, um, Sam and Dean?

N: Chuck and Amara.

TC: You remember they're brother and sister, right?

N: [side-eye] Okay.

TC: They are. It's canon.

N: OKAAAY. [stares at Leo] Alright, what are we having him do? Satan's crotch goblin?

TC: [possibly disgusted with me] Pencils.

N: YES I KNOW WHAT TO DO they need to keep him busy so they just keep giving him piles of pencils to sharpen, and he's distressed because there's no more and the sharpener’s motor burnt out.

TC: [touch of a spit take]

[we stare at the collection of images; it is a bitch to find a clear shot of a Pred sitting, but we need him in a barber chair; I will ultimately cobble it from three separate images; it was worth every goddamn minute]

TC: Okay, now what about that thing? The thing? Deadpool?

N: No he was something else, that's Reynolds. Deadshot? Wait, hang on.

[we watch the Bob Ross Deadpool thing, maybe twice, I have no idea]

TC: What'd you say?

N: I dunno.

TC: Me neither I just remember thinking you were wrong.

N: [looks it up, or we'll be here all week] DOOMSDAY

TC: Stop, stop, stop - didn't we also say Lord of the Rings cave troll?

N: I can't remember if it was me or somebody else.

TC: Do cave troll.

[we search]

N: Holy shit. He's in the club.

[image chosen; best one is of him pointing; I later add the touch of a framed photo of King Kong that's inexplicably hanging in the barber shop, also next to it a photo of Captain Shitty Render]

N: But Doomsday.

TC: Do it.

[image chosen; this was also a bitch, I had to blur and cobble and blend and hide part of his bottom half because ZACK SNYDER LOVES SHOOTING EVERYTHING LIKE WE'RE IN A DANK CAVE]

N: They're so glad Bane pulls through, because Preddy won't shut the fuck up about him.

TC: It's because his last boyfriend was garbage, keeps hanging out with humans, and Bane's loyal, like he was to that chick from Inception, like----

N: LIKE DOG

[the bottle is empty; we are sleepy]

The Results

I regret not adding an aquarium with a squid.

The Aftermath

Both TC and my Tumblr wife @butiaintgonnaloveem had reactions that can nicely tuck under the umbrella of [in concerned tone] Nash are you okay, like, is life beating you down somehow, this is crazypants which I appreciate from the latter, but as for the former I pointed out that they are my enabler/dealer/peer-pressurer in every bit of this.

There is no end to this post.

#Nash Shares #Conversations with The Commissioner #dollar store Doomsday #discount 90s Leo DiCaprio #well-coiffed Predator in a Bane mask #poorly rendered #rip-offs #do better #pseudo-art #Wayward Sisters pilot #wine-induced head canons #Queueby Dooby Doo #Dad's on a blog post and #he hasn't been queued in a few days

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star-bribery · 5 years

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hellbrain: hi

me: don’t

hellbrain: :)

me: Don’t

hellbrain: you now feel like crying for no reason while you wait for your food to finish cooking

me: hhhhhhhhhhhhhh wh

#why did this happen #i need answers #its passed now but it sure as fuck surprised me #i was just sitting at the dinner table #watching a vid on my phone and my brain was like nah you know what we're gonna do instead?

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solasulad · 6 years

Text

Should I Feel Like This?

Ive put off writing for a bit.. My brains all over the place Like I do things to myself unknowingly realizing what the out come is. Last week Tuesday October 9th I went out to shisha with a girl friend. Ended off dropping her off at her place mad early like always and decided I still had time to kill before going home. So messages hermit. He was in my area watching a movie at the theatre.. said he’d leave the theatre to come see me and “hang” but I was kinda 50/50 on that. So he said come pull up and i did. Got in my car and we drove over to another fucking city within the region to get his car.

A total of 15-20 minutes on the highway knowing I only have my roads permit. During the car ride we were talking like saying we could’ve slept sooner back then but we both kinda didn’t think of it. He wasn’t feeling me and I wasn’t feeling him we where just friends. Could’ve pulled a move on him back in 2017 summer when we went to a club together and danced but after that we just went our separate ways.

Get to his car and we drive off to another location that’s empty.

We start making out and I’m now self-conscious because I have bath breath....

Me make out and he’s so aggressive mad aggressive like I’ve never seen. Biting my neck and nipples kissing me hard all over my body. I go down to give him head and he’s trying to get me to deep throat something I’ve never done before!!!! And his dicks already huge as fuck too. I tell him I can’t and he still continues to push my head down hurting me I couldn’t breathe. I look up at him and say I give up tapping out and he’s like “you’re not a freak like you said you where” I gave up. I get on top and slowly put his dick in me and I already felt the pain! I move in motion by my self and start screaming scratching him. About maybe 4 minutes in he pulls me off throwing me to the side and takes the condom off. I look at him like did you come? And he’s like no. So I said why’d you stop??? He’s like I’m hurting you. I said no!!! Wth why it was good why’d you stop. As he’s still taking the condom off I just look at him confused. He takes it off and steps out side still hard. I’m like your still hard wth? He’s like I’m 24 I can turn it off basically... I get quite. I fix myself my make up a mess, black tears on my cheeks from the mascara.

Tryna wipe it off putting myself together before he comes back in the car. I get dressed and just sit there confused.

As we drove back to my car he’s like “I normally had sex with older women”.. yah that makes sense... those women know what their doing.. so then he says tbh your soft, I would’ve hurt you. I’m like oh wow okay. Thanks I guess. So I say yah I guess I normally have a fuck buddy and his isn’t big as yours. Yours probably would stretch me out... I leave the car telling him I’m gonna hit up my fuck buddy and fulfil the rest of my night.

Well that’s that. I’m apparently soft. Been texting has continually to show him I here because I felt this vibe he’s been dealing with some shit and he called and cleared that up with me maybe last weekend of last week. Come to Wednesday night I stay in and keep it simple. Has called me during the afternoon but I felt a bit sick and just woke up conversation felt weird.

Thursday night I go into work. Get off Friday morning and text has and mo”de the same message “good morning” Mo’de responds back has doesn’t. Saturday I get off at 12pm and sleep for a bit Around 10pm ish I get a call from has telling me he fixed his car and that things are kinda okay now. I’m still showing him support also giving him a positive image and advice. I still text mo’de kinda on and off at this point. While still texting my neighbour about linking up so he could eat me out tehehe. Sunday afternoon I go into work get off at 12am and get a call from has around 1am. Prior to that when I was driving home I felt all sad. Like with all of these guys. I felt sad that when they’d ask me what was up I’d say nothing when in reality so much was going on. That I’ve built walls around myself and no one even notices. I kinda wished they cared more but I can’t change how they want to treat me. Come to a conclusion that I’d have to end one of the situationship I have going on with either mo’de or has. It’s tough cause they both told me not to leave them. But there i go Tryna make something that’s nothing into something. Even tryna plan things together outside of our regular day to day lives. So I said I’ll give it time and know my worth with these guys. So I get a call around 1am from has.. and I ignore it. I then get a follow up text message maybe 20 mins later stating that he has love and respect for me but he can’t see this going anywhere. Told me that he doesnt want to hurt my feelings and I can have a good life.

I read that messages and cried. I cried but laughed at myself. I wrote back saying I was trying but I get it hope he finds happiness and a peace in the near by future. I could’ve wished hell on him but I just couldn’t. I’m not like that. It’s all a whatever to me. I place myself in these situations but at least this time I was making use of it. Getting dicked down by other niggahs while claiming I was innocent and pure. Ha I’m living in my karma can’t blame myself. But I get it, felt that disconnection too. I’m not crying my eyes out like he probably thinks I am. I’m unfazed at this point I get it we didn’t connect I seen it with my eyes but it would’ve been fun to have fun with him. But it’s all good. That happened Sunday night. Monday came and I kept re-reading the text message. Like okay it was real.

Tuesday I went out shisha and more shisha posted snaps and insta video seen he still follows me confused like you think I’m gonna unfollow you nah niggah you’re gonna watch me post my snaps and vids see me all unfazed and Shit like you thought wrong bitch.

Wednesday night I stay in. Talked to mo’de via text like always talking about he wants to come to mtl with me on my bday weekend. Uhm I’ll think about it. Thursday night aka now at work We still talking told him my bro’s getting married to that girl he said he knew wanting to know any info on her. Then tonight he hits me up with that “when can I see you 🙄” asked why the face said it’s been too long. Yah you made it that why duh. But told him I’m mostly working weekends and that I chose that shift cause I don’t do shit on weekends. He replied back like our schedules don’t match but blah blah blah.

I don’t even see myself with him either. If anything he was the first on my list to cut off. Physically I’m not attracted to him, mentally we don’t connect he’s an air head and doesn’t show me any love that I need. Last we went out was the night before I went to Miami July.. then I last seen him was when we linked up last week of August.. then the whole shisha spot incident.... he messaged me like a week and a half later tryna see me. But it’s just so bad. I gave up on trying with him. He hurts me like the efforts I put in I don’t want that kinda hurt again.

If we link up we link up, but I’m not gonna settle for a car convo unless I’m cutting him off. And as stupid as I may sound... winters just around the corner. I might want his company but we’ll see what happens.

So i’m apparently soft, unattractive and not worthy of seeing.

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