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spongeyspot · 6 months

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can I please have some Arthur Morgan headcanons? here’s some ideas for it

His experience at a target

getting a little treat after a hard day of work

being a passenger princess

basically following his new “caretaker” around while he figures out the modern world.

1890s!Arthur being thrown into the modern world HC

A/N: I'm gonna go with the last two bc I find it so funny. ALSO: I should clarify, that this isn't a relationship hc. The reader (You/yours pronouns) is g/n, and Arthur becomes their roommate

(And they were roommates...)

Arthur Morgan was in the blast zone of Francis Sinclair's time machine and accidentally hitched a ride to the year 2023.

- Gets hit by (your) a car when he wandered into the street

- It took him quite a bit to come to terms that this place was not the one he once knew

- Wants to get home so badly, but it seems he's stuck. He can't find Vincent Sinclair anywhere.

- He seeks out your help and at first, when he explains his predicament, you think he's a crazy homeless guy

- He tries to go off on his own to figure things out but comes back immediately because things have changed so much from the place he once knew.

- He also almost got hit by another car

- You decide you want to show Arthur the finer things in life, first starting with getting vaccinated... God knows how many diseases Arthur would be exposed to, let alone the ones he already has.

- Also a toothbrush because his breath is probably rancid

- He sleeps on your couch for a while

- eventually moves into your spare bedroom and starts having to pay some of the rent

- He'd have to work under the table because his birth certificate says he was born in 1864...

- Probably gets a job with Construction or Bartending

- Also, clean slate? No Bounty! Hell yeah!

- tends to follow you everywhere because he likes how you explain modern life to him

- You got him a cell phone.

- He's never trying to be funny when he asks questions

- "What the hell is a "tik-tok"?"

- "Blue-tooth? Never heard of that, only gold ones... I used to sell em'."

- "And you can just.. talk to this? And it'll bring ya food?? Whenever ya want???"

- holds the phone pinched between two fingers on either side like he's holding a pair of dirty underwear and starts to yell at it that he wants some steak

- Absolutely blown away by pizza

- Astonished when he sees no horses, just giant metal boxes with wheels that seem to move on their own.

- When you explain how it worked and what it was, he called it a "magic stagecoach" for a while

- Passenger princess

- fascinated by modern music. It just comes out of your magic stagecoach with the press of a button?

- Huge Bon Jovi fan. his favorite song is "Wanted Dead or Alive".

- asks "What does this button do?" seconds before he presses it

- holds the "oh shit" handle in your car at all times.

-The first time he was in your car he probably actually screamed

- you got him an electric beard trimmer for Christmas and he acted like you handed him a gold ingot

- quite honestly starts to warm up to the domestic life. having to rob and steal to keep himself alive weighed on him way more than he liked to admit.

- adores movie nights. Movies in the 1900s-2023 are incredibly different than the motion pictures he was used to.

- after he gets used to this new world, he WANTS A MOTORCYCLE SO BAD but opts for a pickup truck instead because it's more convenient

- Insists on cooking dinner on the weekends

- didn't understand your gas stove the first time and he almost blew up your apartment

#Arthur morgan x reader #Arthur morgan x gn reader #arthur morgan x gender neutral reader #red dead redemption 2 #red dead redemption two #arthur morgan #arthur morgan headcannons #arthur morgan hc #arthur morgan x reader hc #arthur morgan x reader hcs #hc #rdr2 hc #rdr2 headcanons #headcanons

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justconstantly · 1 month

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MY TOP 9 ALBUMS OF ALL TIME

tagged by @belladonnafey

couldn't sleep, saw ur tag zoph (<3), and here we are. I'm a big album listener so this was a struggle for me, but I tried to avoid all my short term obsessions and only pick my absolute favs, ones I could listen to no skips at any time (order here isn't a ranking or anything, solely was aesthetic for the collage)

lungs (deluxe) - Florence+the machine

fav songs: I'm not calling you a liar, bird song, kiss with a fist

every spare moment for the entire summer of 2014 my brother and I played Minecraft on a LAN server together and I listened exclusively to a YouTube playlist of this album on repeat and that's definitely part of why I am the way I am

heretic pride - the mountain goats

fav songs: autoclave, lovecraft in brooklyn

funnily enough, not one of the three goats albums I have on vinyl, the others are better for living room activities that my record player is good for (lounging, plant watering, etc) but this one is still my all time fav

wasteland baby - hozier

fav songs: almost (sweet music), wasteland baby

RIP my college roommates in spring 2019 because I listened to only this album for approximately 2.5 months and I think they hated me for it (blasting it out loud, singing badly, etc)

Grace - Jeff buckley

fav songs: lover you should've come over, dream brother

this album is so so cool, I mean even discounting Jeff buckleys angelic voice, the haunting guitar? the early modern English hymn?? lilac wine AND hallelujah??? makes me feel incredible

sound and color - alabama shakes

fav songs: this feeling, shoegaze

this whole album makes me just dance/sway around my apartment feeling like I'm the most soulful and tender person alive

post-war - M. ward

fav songs: Chinese translation, right in the head, rollercoaster, magic trick

makes me so indescribably nostalgic for a life I've never lived. when I heard Chinese translation for the first time I was like hmm I'm different now

collapsed in sunbeams - Arlo parks

fav songs: too good, eugene

got the vinyl from my library on a whim to listen to while me and my roomie did a puzzle and spent the next 2 weeks of the hold just glued to the record player, haven't bought my own copy yet but it's on my wishlist FOR SURE just perfect lazy living room vibes for me

crawler - IDLES

fav songs: the beachland ballroom, meds, car crash

massive thank you @azertykeys for recommending me idles bc this album is a go to for me when I'm coding and/or also just in my feelings

bridge over troubled water - Simon & Garfunkel

fav songs: keep the customer satisfied, the boxer, the only living boy in New York, why don't you write me

my parents listened to quite a bit of Simon and Garfunkel when I was a kid and I didn't realize I knew them until I was like 20 and my friend was playing their greatest hits and I knew every word to every song. she was like why do you know so much Simon and Garfunkel and I was like oh is that who this is? anyway love this album, my vinyl is a treasured posession

only reason mitski isn't on this list is because I can't choose between any of her albums

other honorable mentions:

<COPINGMECHANISM> by willow

hospice by antlers

woman on the internet by Orla gartland

case/lang/veirs by case/lang/veirs

transgender dysphoria blues by against me

fetch the bolt cutters by Fiona apple

she won't make sense by the harmleighs

this was long so absolutely no pressure, but tagging @azertykeys @heart-to-hearts @bromaine-lettuce @junewild @unnonexistence @navigatorwrongway and anyone who sees this and wants to give it a go

#this was funnnn #i love music and making lists SO much #mutuals pspspspspsp

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toastywatchesstevenuniverse · 10 months

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S1 E40

On the Run

This episode broke me.

I am...

I....

I am a broken creature & my heart has been thoroughly stomped into the ground.

This is....this is the best episode so far....but it's achieved the status of best by absolutely tearing me apart in every way & leaving my emotions as a pile of tear soaked dust.

Okay before we get to that: I have one thing to say....

GARNET HAS MASSIVE AND PLENTIFUL BALLS. Look this post ended up being a lot more personal & emotional than this blog usually has been so I'm giving you a balls joke to balance it out. I have a feeling that there will be more emotional venting if this episode is an indicator of what the rest of the show is like: we're gonna need all the dick & ball jokes we can muster up.

First off: easily the best musical number in the show so far. Yes even better than Pearl's solo number. And I do not say that lightly. That is a tough level to beat. And they did it. Steven & Amethyst take the gold medal for best song so far. 👌

ALSO OH MY GOD THESEE SHOTS THESE COLOURS THIS DJFJFNDIFJW ITS SO FUCKING GOOD????????

WHY DID SO MANY PEOPLE ON YOUTUBE TELL ME THIS SHOW HAS BAD ANIMATION WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT ARE WE WATCHING THE SAME SHOW?????? SURE THERES BEEN SOME WONKY DRAWINGS BUT MOST OF IT HAS BEEN VISUAL GOD TIER SHIT LIKE THIS. This episode was actually quite a step up in the animation compared to the previous ones. It's like the animators stepped on the gas here. I love it.

(Hey there uh so Trigger warning for this post just in case bc I do mention the topics of self harm/self hate/passive suic*de & that kinda stuff. So if that's not your thing, I'm really sorry & I understand if you wanna just stop reading here. If this isn't a topic you like to see mentioned at all, I'll just summarize my opinion here real quick & you can click away, I'm happy you're here at all btw thanks for reading this far!! & I want you to know you're valid for feeling this way btw: Don't let anyone tell you different. Anyways tldr I love this episode & how it tackles Amethysts character & it's the best episode so far & it made me cry really really bad & I am more of an emotional mess now than I usually am.)

So getting a bit personal here: I have said many times throughout my life that 'I never asked to be born'. I still think it now.

(Side Note but oh my god the animation in this fight was fucking incredible. Holy shit. And these shots go so fucking hard they COOKED this shit to perfection.)

Ive been depressed & passively suicidal for most of my life. I honestly cannot really recall a time where I didn't feel this way. I'm just kinda used to it by now I guess.

(This shot. This frame right here. This was when I had to pause the episode to calm down from how bad I was crying.)

So to hear Amethyst say the exact same thing that I have said so many times before: That broke me. That just fucking broke me. And like it's not the first time I cried at this show so far: BUT this IS the first time the show genuinely struck an such an extremely difficult & personal chord with me, not just like being sometihng I relate to, but the chord it struck was deep & painful enough that I had to actually pause the episode because of how much I needed to process it. Like I could not pay attention with how bad it made me break. So yeah it's now score 1 for the amount of times this show has fucking utterly destroyed me. Not every show is able to get me to react like THAT. The only other show in recent memory that got that reaction out of me that I can remember at the time of typing this is well, The Owl House. To be fair I haven't watched too too many new shows but yeah. This got me crying badly enough that I had to take a moment to calm down. Wasn't expecting to have that nerve struck like that.

That just hit on a personal chord for me & just....fuck man. I know that feeling. And they nailed how it feels. Amethysts reaction was exactly how it feels for me, just outwardly anger & tears. It hurts. Obviously anger & crying is simplifying it a lot, it's a lot more than just baseline that but you get what I mean. You could tell that she was feeling that exact way. & holy shit the fact that she's been the "comedic relief" of the gems so far & yet she's had easily the most fucked up & sad backstory of the show so far. Yeah if catching me off guard & completely blindsiding me with this was the goal: Goal fucking achieved because that was like a whack to my fucking face with a frying pan.

So....like, is this gonna be a reoccuring thing? I just.....get the feeling that this is a sign that the show absolutely fucking me up emotionally may become a more frequent thing going forward. So like, if that is the case......fuck. I'm so fucked. I am going to be a fucking wreck by the end of this show. This is gonna fucking leave me a sobbing mess, isn't it? What the fuck have I gotten myself into-

I am afraid. Also I am going to need to buy more tissues.

And the scene where Pearl & Amethyst speak in the hole is some of the best writing in any CN show. Ever.

(Also to break up the depressing talk, OH MY GOD I LOVE THAT PEARL IS SO FUCKING TALL THAT SHE HAS TO BEND DOWN AND SIT STANDING UP ON HER TIPPY TOES. THAT'S SO FUCKING ADORABLE I LOVE HER I AM GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT.)

This episode was absolutely perfect.

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a-master-procrastinator · 2 years

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20, 21, 29 and 32 (Some OC questions)?

Yay, answering in less than a week! Jokes aside, thank you!

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?

One of my side characters from Silver Claw crew (hey, haven't mentioned them in a long while), Rykeer, casually plays an instrument (something like a seven-string hallikset that was in Fallen Order, or a xantha) and sings. Not professionally, but he took enough lessons to be able to perform for himself and sometimes in public places, his workshop, and later in Lorri's cantina. Mostly he plays and sings popular or folk songs.

When it came to class characters, I had a struggle figuring out who would be singing more than just in refresher or at karaoke. And then my brain decides that Kerstes would. Her parents noticed her love for singing and decided that this shouldn't be wasted (definitely not inspired by Jadus and his daughter), at least until she would be sent to Korriban for final Sith trials. And so Kerstes was a singer in a choir, sometimes getting solo parts. She would often perform traditional Sith music, orchestral music, and participate in musicals. The voice actress for female sith warrior is perfect for Kerstes, so if there are any clips of her singing (I didn't find them, but I probably didn't search good enough), that what Kerstes' singing would sound like.

Because she was forced to sing by parents, she hated it, so for quite at some point she quit. But, as I say, "once a musician, always a musician", so after the trials on Korriban Kerstes starts singing again (mostly songs that she already knew, or some traditional songs of twi'leks, which Vette was very excited about). She wouldn't be able to do that a lot bc life as Darth Baras' apprentice doesn't have time for this, but she would still love every moment of it. Unfortunately (since I'm very nice to my characters), she won't be able to follow this newfound passion for long - after Draahg's attempt to kill her on Quesh, her throat was badly damaged, including vocal cords, which meant Kerstes wouldn't be able to sing again. The inability to bond and express emotions through music pained her, but also deepened her hatred towards Draahg and Baras (which she used against them).

Also, while I was looking for screenshots for this post, found this one (this is on Belsavis orbital station, when Draahg tries to kill the main character again). "I'll tear that lie from your throat!" - man, this line hits different now.

21. Your most artistic OC

A little confused by the semantics, so if we go with "the best artist", then it's Alaine (trooper), one of those characters I never talk about bc my brain tends to push her to the sidelines. She went to art school in childhood and teenage years, and continued to improve her skills after graduation. After singing up for military service, duty always has to come first, but in her free time Alaine enjoys painting. In fact, sometimes she uses art as a form of activism - she witnesses a lot of things in her line of work that she thinks the public should know about, so art becomes a statement, an instrument of getting public's attention about certain problems. And, of course, there is a lot of joke-y and cute drawings with the Havoc Squad.

If it means "most expressive and creative in their activity", then there is a bunch of my characters (Rykeer, Kerstes and Alaine included), and I don't exactly have the energy to mention them all, so I'll go with one.

Iressa is quite creative - after all, lightsaber duels can be a form of art. She'll study her opponent during a duel, calculate a way to defeat them, and she'll add probably unnecessary moves to make it look more like a deadly dance while still being efficient (she's not above some flexing). Also wood carving, she goes creative with it as well.

29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they’re going?

Auletta for sure - she likes exploring, and doing it alone reduces the chance of someone else peaking into her plans.

Colishan (DS!consular - another character I never talk about, but that's bc he's hella difficult to figure out) - especially if it's a building that the Jedi would advise avoiding. He's constantly exploring and learning, but doesn't like other Jedi knowing about it bc they've nagged him about it a lot.

There are probably other characters, but I'm a bit lazy, so for now that's it (plus don't want to take more time to answer).

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why?

Honestly, I don't know enough about horror games (and I'm a bit tired), so I'll have to skip this one, sorry!

#ugh the answer to the first question took so much mental energy that i kinda half-assed the rest of the answers #bc if i didn't it would take another week #but thank you again :)#i actually enjoyed coming up with kerstes' singing talent #swtor #sith warrior spoilers #ask game #oc:kerstes #oc:auletta #oc:iressa #oc:alaine #oc:colishan #oc:rykeer #silver claw crew #the-raven-of-highever #legacy (verse): lette #legacy (verse): sinnomin #legacy (verse): crustulum

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fudgetoonbits · 7 months

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something I wrote bc I’m cray cray over my own fictional universe blah blah blah it’s around 200 years in the future uh company uses ai to make robot servants lololol there will be a full book ab it soon and a video game when I learn to program taking perspective from different characters at slightly different times in the same setting but this is just a backstory short story thing on one of the minor characters which was also for a school assignment so yea

TW: violence, torture, death

title is inspired off Kill the Rock - Mindless Self Indulgence [yes ik what that band did I just like the music not Jimmy]

Kill the Fire

“I’m just saying. Watch your back.”

He wished he had followed those words so badly.

It was the year 2196, Penumbra’s second year at the Human Generosities Association’s core building.

It was a famous company for constructing creatures of metal and magic to serve mankind: robots powered by artificial intelligence and, of course, targeted at an affluent audience. However, to even fathom creating a sentient, smart vessel and testing our limits, many studies have gone in dedication to humans: the only currently known intelligent species on Earth.

Penumbra was one of the many test subjects. He went there and ‘worked’ for an insignificant income. Of course, this was worth next to nothing, but he had nothing better to do other than go to the gym and study, so he figured he’d get a job.

The boy was 17 now, and he still had no big goals for his future. He never had any special talent to follow, so he was content with this job. He had acquired an adequate affinity with one of the good scientists, Dr. Phoenix, and another test subject, Caesar. It was, at the very least, entertaining to be at the building.

Penumbra sat on a cushioned bench in the waiting room. He was waiting for the doctor, and the doctor was waiting for him.

“Hey Penumbra!” a familiar voice called. A man dressed in a black leather jacket and a pair of patched baggy jeans: Caesar.

“Oh, hi Caesar,” Penumbra replied with a faint smile.

He sat down next to him.

“Got any plans for the weekend?”

“Caesar, you know I’m busy either here or at school or helping my family, if you really want to do something, the only time I see myself being free is like- months from now. Sorry friend.”

“Well, that sucks. Uhm, see you around...?”

“Bye good friend!”

Caesar got up and waltzed off.

Penumbra scrolled through his phone, and it seemed like 30 minutes had passed in 10 seconds because the doctor had already opened the door.

“Ah, Penumbra- you're all set. Come on in.” An affirming hand rested on Penumbra's shoulder, guiding him through the door frame.

Dr. Phoenix was a man in his late 30s. He wore black rubber boots, yellow-tinted goggles, a white knee-length coat, and a dark pair of skinny jeans. Wide streaks of white danced among his frizzy jet-black hair as he strode, and his smile was yellowed and sharp, stretching from ear to ear. He seemed to lack in hygiene, but Penumbra frankly didn't care.

Penumbra patiently sat on the examination chair. It was ancient; you could tell by the scratched, torn leather and the creak that erupted through the room when it was weighed. He leaned backward, and though he came here often, his body would still jerk from the sudden sound, never quite getting used to it.

The tall but scrawny figure slid some blue mid-length gloves on, the latex slapping against his skin. He pulled a needle out of a case, flicking the tip.

“So, uh… what cha’ got there, Doc?”

Dr. Phoenix muttered something Penumbra couldn't hear, but Penumbra was too nervous to ask him to repeat that something. He shuffled around and fiddled with his fingers.

“Ah, okay,” he responded after a long silence, not sure what else to say.

“How’s your family?” Dr. Phoenix prompted, rubbing Penumbra’s shoulder with a prep pad. He looked down at the floor.

“They’re fine. Everything’s fine.”

“Good to hear, good to hear.” The needle entered his skin. He winced, but not from the pain, that was just a tiny prick. He winced at the thought of what had just been injected into his system.

This was a prominent problem Penumbra never took care of. He and the doctor were good acquaintances and he trusted him. He would just hate it whenever he felt like he was not being taken seriously, but he would never confront Dr. Phoenix. He couldn't confront anyone. Penumbra couldn't even get any words out of his mouth. His thoughts would wrap around his throat and constrict him like a snake.

So, It’s better like this, he thought.

Penumbra woke up the next morning on a Saturday… and he felt absolutely awful. He ran to the bathroom, held his head over the toilet bowl, and vomited. Gagging from the gross taste lingering on his tongue, he sighed and cleaned himself up, taking some Advil to ease his throbbing headache. It was time for another visit.

Penumbra was, again, in the waiting room as usual. He was minding his own business until an odd-looking kid rushed down the hallway and suddenly stopped.

“I think I lost them,” he wheezed out, catching his breath.

He tilted his head at the stranger and giggled a little.

“What cha’ running for you goof?”

The kid jumped back, a little startled. He wore a baggy band t-shirt with some long shorts and striped socks, and he looked just a few years younger than Penumbra. Once he adjusted himself, he stared at Penumbra for around 10 seconds before snapping out of it.

“Oh, uh… sorry for the racket,” the boy nervously smiled, breaking eye contact.

“No, no, I just wanted to make conversation, you don't need to apologize.”

“Oh okay! Well, in that case, I'm Blake, and you are…?”

“Penumbra.”

“Well Penumbra, first of all, I really like your hair.”

Penumbra had dark mid-length hair touching just the end of his neck, his bangs a light blonde color.

“Oh, thank you.”

“Second of all… what are you doing here?”

“I should be asking you that, but I volunteer as a test subject. I’m just waiting for the doctor.”

“…may I accompany you while you wait?”

“Sure.”

Blake sat down next to him, and they chatted until Dr. Phoenix opened the door.

“Ah, Penumbra, I’ve seen you've made a friend,” he eyed Blake with an unreadable expression, “Well, come in.”

“See you later, alligator,” he walked into the doorframe.

“Bye.”

Penumbra and Blake would talk for the next few weeks, establishing a deeper friendship. Blake liked talking to Penumbra, but he got more worried each time Penumbra walked into the doctor’s office again.

One afternoon on a Wednesday, Penumbra sat down once again, and Blake joined him. Blake was really uneasy that day, fidgeting with his fingers. They both sat there in silence for a minute or two until Penumbra broke it.

“What’s up with you?”

“Huh?”

“Why so tense?” He nudged Blake’s shoulder playfully.

He took a deep breath before the words tumbled and slid out of his mouth, carrying shock like a plastic slide.

“I’m so sorry for not telling you, Penumbra but... I was running because of, well, the people here. I’ve been stuck in this god-awful building on the run for like, I lost count. Talking to you makes me feel better but-,” he gulped, “I’m really worried for you, Penumbra. I’ve seen things in here no one should see- records of people being tortured in ways I can’t put into words- and all in the name of ‘science’.”

Penumbra was devastated, one of his worst fears taken to a whole other level. But he knew the doctor for so long.

He would never do that to me... right?

“And I know you are much more at the odds of being the next. So... I’m just saying. Watch your back.”

Penumbra never saw Blake again after that.

It had been a few weeks since. He already stressed about it to Caesar and now he was preparing to stress about it to someone much more difficult.

Dr. Phoenix.

“So, Penumbra, you wanted to meet me here for...?”

Penumbra sat on an end of a wooden table in one of the lounge’s kitchen rooms. Dr. Phoenix was waiting for the tea to finish, elbows resting on the counter and watching the steam like a cat watching a bird.

“Doctor do you... do you ever think something is wrong?”

“Like?”

“Well, I just- uhm... Doctor... am I special?”

“...pardon?”

The snake had let go.

“Don’t get the wrong idea- but- I just- I've heard many are... unethical in their studies- in this organization. And you’ve just been so shady these past couple of weeks and I just wonder- don't you think this is getting a bit out of hand?”

“...Penumbra, you really think I would harm you?”

“Well, I just don’t have a good feeling about this I mean I’ve felt really, really sick after these recent tests. My family has been getting sick worrying about me. What are you trying to accomplish?”

The doctor’s fingers dug into the edges of the countertop, chipping a fingernail. It had been a few minutes of silence. He calmed down ever so slightly, removing the teapot from the stove and pouring it into two cups. He brought the tea to the table with a jar of sugar cubes, staring daggers at poor Penumbra.

“Go on, drink.”

Penumbra carefully raised the teacup and drank slowly, not wanting to aggravate Dr. Phoenix any longer. A minute passed, and he felt terrible. His eyes fought to stay open. Eventually, he gave in and went out cold, the doctor giving him a glare unlike ever before: the glare of not a villain, but a monster.

Penumbra woke up in the usual beat-up examination chair, but his arms and legs were chained down to it. On top of that, he didn’t seem to be in the usual examination room either. The walls and floor were lined with newspapers, duct tape, and plastic wrap. He would be panicking right now if it weren’t for his dry throat, raging headache, and hazy vision.

He tried to speak, but all he got out was a hoarse croak. A series of steps approached him from behind, the head cushion rendering him unable to turn his head around.

“Good nap?”

“...”

“Fine, I see how it is.”

He walked around the chair, the figure now fully revealed to be nobody but Dr. Phoenix himself.

“What do you want from me?”

“I see an opportunity to cover a topic I haven’t quite been able to venture yet.”

“What are you going to do to me?”

“Well, after all those injections, you seem to battle disease relatively quickly, even recover rapidly from most minor physical trauma. I must say, I’m quite impressed with this progress so far. So, I want to see how well your body can handle something much more extreme.” He sinisterly smiled, swiping a cloth off the table to reveal various surgery-grade medical instruments, liquids, syringes, and a box of matches. Penumbra trembled in fear, tears running down his cheeks.

“Doctor, I know you’re a good person. You don’t have to do this.”

“I am a good person, I agree. I do what’s best for the company and do what must be done to make life more manageable for thousands.”

“Doctor, please.”

He ignored his desperate pleas and got to work.

That was one of the worst days Penumbra had ever experienced. Or so he thought when this continued over a course of several periods.

It had been a few weeks. Penumbra’s beloved hair had started to fall out, his sclera was gray, and his skin had turned a pale pink. He had a stitched incision on his throat, another one of Dr. Phoenix’s torturous experiments- this one to test if a human could have a ‘mouth’ on any area connected to the esophagus.

The only tool that seemed to not have been put to trial was the box of matches sitting on the table. Unfortunately for Penumbra, Dr. Phoenix was going to be working with that today. Dr. Phoenix grabbed Penumbra’s shoulder with another syringe in hand. He protested, wiggling to the best of his ability being restrained. But despite his struggle, he got the needle in and injected it. He stepped back from Penumbra, his eye twitching as he looked down at his lap hopelessly, choking out a sob. He wanted to go home and be with his family. He missed them so much.

“Now, today’s trial is especially important, so I don’t want you screwing it up. Got that?”

Penumbra stayed quiet. Dr. Phoenix proceeded.

Out of all the recent unethical experiments, this had to be the worst one yet for Penumbra. His head was set ablaze for hours at a time, and he survived. No normal human being could ever survive that. He was special. He was made special.

A week later, he could feel another prick against his shoulder. His head was covered in burn scars and being burnt just didn’t hurt anymore. Dr. Phoenix said something, but the piercing noise of insanity muffled his voice.

Penumbra had finally snapped.

He broke the chains with ease, sitting up out of the examination chair. Dr. Phoenix dropped whatever instrument he was holding, but Penumbra didn’t see that. All he saw was a lying, cheating tool. Penumbra held a face of fury, flames erupting from his head.

The doctor was no more: history.

Penumbra sat on the cold floor. His thoughts were racing. Not only was he worried how he was going to ever approach his family and friends again, but he was smothered in the unbearable guilt of murdering Dr. Hickory. He held his face in his hands, but not for long. He couldn’t just mope around; nothing would get better.

So, he tore the newspaper off the wall and opened the door. He may not be or have been accepted, he may have missed time with others, but that doesn’t matter right now.

He was finally free, and he took that in like the fresh, un-smokey air.

That’s all that mattered right now.

#art #oc #backstory #oc backstory #oc art #original character #mindless self indulgence #writing #short story #original fiction #fiction #original short story #original story #I heart tagging the shit out of things #bah!#digital art #Spotify

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shxxtingstarss · 2 years

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therapy no. 33

Today was actually quite good, after me talking about the chaos in my head and in my life, we looked at my problem with boundaries again.

I started pretty slow and exhausted, and talked about how problematic my situation with F is at the moment (awkward moment: he asked me if I still had sex with him bc I told him so last week, and because we shortly f*cked yesterday, I had to say yes. But at least I didn't have sex with him again even tho I really didn't want to, that happened the week before and I dissociated really badly. I only did that because I was afraid he wouldn't like me anymore / wouldn't spend time with me anymore if I didn't sleep with him bc he proposed the friends with benefits thing). We got to the topic of setting boundaries pretty fast and had a very similar conversation about it as in a session before. But we analysed it a bit more how I have a different standard for boundaries when it comes to me than when looking at other people - in the meta-level I know very well that boundaries are a very personal / individual thing, but when thinking about my boundaries, they just seem wrong and I try to align my boundaries to some kind of "normal" level (which obviously doesn't exist, but to a level that I can observe in many people, trying to find some kind of "standard" bc my boundaries were always called wrong so I sometimes have no idea of where they actually are and instead have to try the boundaries of other ppl to see if it might fit to my boundaries or not).

This lead us to why I think of my boundaries like that and why I am afraid of setting boundaries and am afraid of being humiliated for my boundaries - because of how my boundaries were treated when I was a child and because that is still engraved in my nervous system. The part of being humiliated for my boundaries kinda triggered some memories of when I was still living with my mother and she brutally humiliated me for any boundaries I tried to set. We then also talked about some stuff I remembered because of the book I am still reading, a book about trauma-research, where I read about how perpetrators destroy their victims' autonomy and their whole view of the world basically and make them dependent on the perpetrators, I then realised that some of the things I thought were projection of my mother were more a pretty systemic way of destroying me. Kinda too much to explain it here shortly, maybe I'll make a post about this someday.

Definitely a good therapy session, still pretty depressed but I'm not as suicidal anymore as I was on the weekend, I am currently typing this while sitting at a desk with my gym-crush who invited me to come study with her at a study-room in a building of my uni, but I kinda regret coming here because (almost as if I knew it) there is a reason that I wasn't studying the last few weeks and instead desperately tried to get some kind of distraction from my thoughts - tried learning now and first of all I'm way too tired bc my sleep quality is f*cked at the moment (thank you nightmares), and a few minutes later the bad thoughts started and it's really hard to push them away. I'm listening to music now and I'll try again, but this is kinda self-torturing.

#trauma #trauma therapy #therapy #mental illness #bpd #borderline pd #actually borderline #actually bpd #actually mentally ill

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hops-hunny · 3 years

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Hello?

Pairing: Neville Longbottom x Black!Reader

Word Count: 2.9k

Request: N/A

Summary: Neville and (Y/n) get high together often.

Warnings: drugs( weed lmao), swearing, making out

A/N: This was based on the specific lyric below from Hello? by Clairo ft Reji Snow. Pothead confident Neville is my favorite headcanon dfregfefe. I also felt like writing for Neville bc after reading a lot of @lxngbottom‘s fics I was DEEPLY inspired.

“Are you into me, like I'm into you?

Do you wanna do the things I wanna do with you?

You're so close, and yet so far

I wonder how you look when you're in the dark”

The Weasley siblings all found themselves in absolute bliss when their parents told them they were going on a getaway. Apparently Arthur had learned about muggle spas and thought it’d be a lovely idea to take his wife to one for a much needed vacation after many years she had been caring for her children (and sometimes their guess) without barely any breaks. The gaggle of gingers all found it to be quite a wonderful idea too, but for other reasons. Although they had varying reasons of why they were excited for their parents to leave the house, Ron’s being wanting to invite over the other ⅔ members of the Golden Trio, Ginny wanting to wear that skirt that her mum always told her was ‘just a tad too short, dear’, and lastly Fred & George wanting to try out new and exciting inventions there was that one thing that tied them all together: wanting to get blazed out of their fucking minds.

However, as quickly as that mischievous glint formed in all their eyes, their mother said something they all dreaded.

“Oh and by the way, we’re leaving Percy in charge!”

A collective groan was shared as the boy in question held a proud and cocky smirk that once again, he was the most trusted out of his siblings. However as per usual, Fred and George were not giving up that easily.

“What are we going to do?! You know Percy will rat on us!” Ron whispered yelled at the other three through gritted teeth. They all sat around the quaint little living room, distressed at what to do. Ron had already sent a text (is that what they were called? He wasn’t used to the muggle technology (Y/n) had got them all to use) to both Hermione and Harry telling them to pack their bags. He’d never live it down!

“Oh relax dear brother of mine! Me and Freddie here suspected something like this would happen so we came prepared. Right Fred?” George said with a smirk as he looked to his twin to the right of him. George nodded before pulling out an envelope.

“Exhibit A also known as ‘Blackmail dear Percival Into Leaving the House for the Summer.” he grin grew wider as he opened the envelope pulling out the photos. In the photos, Percy was shirtless during a party in the gryffindor common room. He had a half drunk bottle of fire whiskey in one hand and a blunt in his other which was held to his lips. “Wouldn’t it be a shame if dear ol’ mum and pop anonymously got pictures of their golden boy doing such awful acts?” he cooed, feigning a voice of disappointment.

“While you two idiots may not be helpful for jack shit else, leave it up to you to have a plan to get into trouble.” Ginny said rolling her eyes, a small smile forming on her face. “Well I guess that’s settled then. I’ll hit up (Y/n), Ron you hit up Nev and tell him to bring the loud. Lots of it too!”

-------------------------------------

That’s how they all ended up where they are currently. ‘Exhibit A’ was more than enough to get Percy packing his bags and leaving for a friends house after their parents had left. And of course, Hermione, Harry, (Y/n), and Neville had all shown up at the Burrow bright and as happy as ever.

Although many people dealt around Hogwarts, Neville’s weed was always the best. He grew custom strains which were infused with other magical plants that had all sorts of properties. You wanted it to taste and smell like cheesecake? Done. Something odorless that packed a mean punch? Also done. He took good care of his product and went through the precautions to make sure it was not only safe but also that he didn’t get caught. He wasn’t always an avid weed smoker though. Originally, a friend had suggested it to him to help with his anxiety which had increased over the years but eventually it became less of an anxiety reducer and more of a favorite pastime. And hell, it left him with a pretty fucking nice amount of galleons in his pocket. It was also how he had met her.

He looked up at her form as she sat across the shed, looking as radiant as ever. She was laughing at something but he didn't know what over the sound of the music. One of his favorite things about her was how beautiful the whiteness of her smile was in comparison to her rich brown skin. It drove him absolutely nuts. It had only been a few weeks since he last saw her but as usual there was something new about her appearance.

He let his eyes wander over the work of art that was (Y/n). Her hair was different, her usual shoulder length black box braids had been swapped our for a beautiful set of honey blonde faux locs that stopped at her waist. In addition to her septum, she now had a nose ring on the left side of her nose and- was that a smiley piercing? Her skin was glowing vibrantly under the different hues of gold of LED lights that corresponded with the music. His eyes shifted down to her chest. 'Hm, she finally got the other one pierced' he noted due to the fact that her crochet bikini top left only the best bits of her breast to the imagination. And then he got to his favorite part. Her legs. Her supple, plush, smooth as glass legs. This wasn’t the first time he had stared at them longer than needed. He couldn’t help it, they were so fucking thick. And, were those his shorts? She must've stolen them from him last smoke sesh. He didn't mind though, she pulled off those denim shorts well and they hugged her in all the right fucking places.

“Bloody hell Nev, what’s taking you so long to roll the joint? Are you already that gone?” Ron groaned as he threw his head back. Neville looked down at the half rolled blunt in his hands, continuing to lick and roll it skillfully.

“Shut up Ron, just hit the fucking bong and leave Neville alone. Ol’ dramatic ass.” there was that honeysuckle voice he loved. God he could listen to her talk for fucking hours. I mean he had before. Her voice was sweet in the center and rough around the edges, a thick american accent still prominent in her voice. He smiled at that, looking up at her to find her already looking at him. As he continued to roll, he licked a fat strip on the wrap before shooting her a wink.

“Thank you, petal.” he murmured quietly knowing she hadn’t heard as he looked back down at his hands finishing up. He grabbed the same lighter that he carried with him everywhere before lighting the end. As he was about to take a hit, a certain pair of gloss coated lips leaned over his shoulders taking a hit as she wrapped her arms around his upper half.

Ron groaned again in irritation. “I hate it when you get the first hit! You always leave that damn sticky shit all over the blunt.” as he glared at the girl. She giggled before crawling off the wraparound couch taking her place next to brunette ruffling his long shaggy hair. He had been growing it out recently for no particular reason (definitely not the girl to his right).

“Ron you always buggin on something, nigga shut the fuck up! That’s why when you hit the blunt you leave it wet. Ol’ soppy mouth nigga I swear to god. Share with Mione.” she retorted as she leaned into Neville’s side looking up at him. He smiled down at her before wrapping his arm around her bringing her impossibly close. They both loved each other's touch when they were high. Whenever he’d touch her in one spot, (Y/n) always felt it in another- especially between her legs. She leaned up, kissing his freckled cheek with a smile. “Hey sir, how’s my favorite doing today?” she questioned as he bent down, placing a kiss right below her ear.

“You know I’m always content when you’re next to me, flower. You don’t even have to question it.” he whispered in her ear before pulling back. She felt her face heat up as she rolled her eyes shoving him lightly. She crawled in his lap, straddling him as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He instinctively moved one to her waist, stroking the smooth exposed sepia skin that was there for his enjoyment.

“You always talking some mess, Nev. Why don’t you do something bout it?” she said, motioning for him to hold the blunt up to her lips. He ignored her, looking into her eyes as he took a fat rip. He removed his hand from her waist, gripping her cheeks with it, rings digging into her skin. He leaned impossibly close as he shot gunned the smoke into her mouth. His lips hovered impossibly close to hers. ‘Finally’ she found herself thinking as she closed her eyes. However, the feeling of his soft pink lips never hit hers and she opened her eyes to find him smirking at her.

“And ruin this little game we have? Never.” He said, finally passing the blunt to her. If he had to be honest with himself, he was scared shitless. He was afraid if he actually did make that final move, jumped that final obstacle that she would be gone from his life. Sure, they made out all the time. It was normal for the two of them to get quite handsy with each other during smoke sessions but he found not even that being enough. He didn’t just wanna have his hands on her when he was high or wasted out of his fucking mind, he wanted her all the time. He wanted to sneak into each other's dorms and cuddle till wee hours of the morning. To carry her things to class for her. He wanted to live, breathe, and sleep (Y/n). But, is that what she wanted? He never knew.

She sighed softly to herself, contemplating. It was very apparent to her that Neville wanted her just as badly as he wanted her. So, why had he never jumped the gun? Did he not want more? Was he really content with this little cat and mouse game they had? He couldn’t be, she knew who he was at heart which was a romantic just as she was. She was pulled from her thoughts as she heard the familiar beat of Hello? by Clairo ft Reji Snow. She smirked at him, leaning her forehead against his as she began to grind softly on his lap.

“Are you into me? Like I’m into you. Do you wanna do the things I wanna do with you?” she sung to him softly, her (e/c) eyes meeting his hazel ones. He moved his hands up and down her body as she continued to grind her hips down on his. He let his hands travel to her ass, gripping it firmly. She leaned back slightly as she hit the blunt before returning the favor he had earlier. “You’re so close, and yet so far. I wonder how you look when you’re in the dark.” (Y/n) continued singing as kissed up his neck, nibbling at the junction of his jaw and neck. He took one of the hands from her ass, moving some of the locs that had fallen into her face. He quickly tossed the blunt out of her hand into the ashtray in the table in front of them before leaning in and kissing her with such strong intensity.

The honey blonde haired girl moaned softly, already putty in the boy’s hands. Neville always knew exactly what to do with his hands. Where to kiss, where to tug, where to bite. Anything but actually dealing with the problem between her legs. She tangled her hands into the back of his hair, matching his lip movement. As he continued holding her ass with one hand, he used his other to stroke her cheek gently. A stark contrast to the kiss they were in which was wet, rough, and fast. He trailed his tongue over her lip which she gladly accepted. Their tongues danced together lazily as sweat began to build up on both of them. She pulled away partly, a trail of spit connecting them.

“Take this dumb ass jacket off. It’s the middle of July.” She grumbled as she began to unzip it, leaving him in some muggle band shirt she had gotten him one year from the states. She leaned back in, continuing to move her hips to the beat of the song. Neville began to move his hips up to match her movements. “Oh? So you got moves now huh? Who taught you those?”

“Don’t play dumb petal, you know you did.” He responded before gripping at her neck with his ringed hand. She gasped softly, looking into his blood shot blown out eyes. The music, the lighting, his touch? It was all much too much to handle. Her senses were overloaded by pleasure, the jane in her system. He tightened his hand some, leaning in closer. “You’re driving me absolutely mad, darling. Do you know that? I’d do anything you asked me to.” the movement of her hips had stilled but he kept going. She could feel the imprint of his member through his pants. Suddenly it was the only thing (Y/n) could focus on.

“Them Ravenclaw girls weren’t lying then, huh? You packin like that Nev?” she said suddenly. She knew he had asked her something a second ago, but the weed was really starting to hit. Her brain was foggy and hazed, the only thing she could think about now was him. She took one of her manicured hands, trailing it down his shirt till she reached his crotch. She gripped it in her hands, eyes widening slightly. He chuckled softly, catching her attention.

“Don’t act so surprised. You know I used to get around quite a bit.” He said, moving so his tent was resting against her inner thigh.

“Used to?” she questioned, laying her head on his shoulder with her eyes closed. She took in his scent sighing softly. Neville always smelled like a mix of lavenders, cologne, and that loud. She knew it from anywhere, especially when she smelled it in the amortentia they brewed during potions that one time.

“Yeah I don’t really pipe girls like I used to.” He moved his hands up, embracing her close as he kissed the top of her head. “Ever since a certain pesky little American girl started making their way into my life, she’s all I could think about.” she rolled her eyes some, punching him on the arm as he began to laugh.

“Don’t fuck around like that, that shit aint even funny.” she grumbled, pouting as she crossed her arms. “I thought you had an actual answer!”

“On god that was my actual answer, (Y/n)! You asked why and I told you why. Absolutely anyone could tell I’m mad for you.” Neville said as he uncrossed her arms, holding her small delicate hands in his large ones. He intertwined their hands, her sharp acrylic nails digging into his hands slightly. “Did you know when Keaton Willis asked you to Hogsmeade, I was so mad that I wouldn’t sell to him for 3 months?!”

“But I didn’t even go with him! Me and you went together to go get ice cream, remember?”

“So?! He still fucking asked you. I’m getting heated just thinkin’ about it.” He mumbled as he looked away from her. He pulled her closer, resting his head on the top of hers. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you dating such a loser. He’s not even a good guy and he’s always fucking short with his galleons when he buys. I have to practically hound the guy for my money. Yknow what? Fuck it.” he looked up at the brown skinned girl before holding her face in both his hands. He took in her features. Her plump lips, edges laid to perfection, face ‘beat to the gods’ as she would say. “Go out with me. Be my girl, petal. I can’t bear you not being mine for another second.” he said. She pretended to ponder for a bit before she looked back at him.

“Depends, will I get free weed? I expect free weed from dating the weed man, you know.” she said with a giggle. He rolled his eyes shaking his head.

“You already get free weed! Don’t pretend you don’t.” he said loudly, catching the others’ attention.

“What? Nev that’s not fair! You always make me pay and we’re mates! What happened to bros befo-”

“Ron you finish that and you ain’t leavin this shed with an eye, I can promise you that boy.” she whipped her head around quickly, glaring at the boy. Ron quickly shut his mouth knowing first hand that her promises were never empty. He gulped slightly before nodding, turning back to Hermione who handed him the bong muttering something about how he looked like he needed it.

“But to answer your question, Nev baby, I’d love to be your girl. Nothing would bring me greater pleasure than doing so.” (Y/n) leaned forward, leaving a lip gloss print on his cheek.

“Well I’m glad you said yes because it would’ve been very awkward explaining to everyone tomorrow where that hickey on your neck came from.”

“Nev!”

#black reader #black!reader #poc reader #poc!reader #Neville Longbottom #neville x reader #neville longbottom x reader #neville longbottom x you #neville x you #harry potter imagines #harry potter imagine #Harry Potter

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elizabethvaughns · 3 years

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I listened to if then recently and I'm CONFUSED. I also watched a bootleg wich didn't help since I'm not really good in English and the bootlegs have bad audio quality. Do you have tips how I can understand it? Or can you explain it?

It seems like a cool musical and I wanna understand it so badly!!!

if you want me to explain it, i'd be happy to :)

(when i first watched it, i only understood some of the dialogue but i didn't know about the libretto so i just browsed the tumblr tag and hoped for the best lmao.)

i'd recommend reading the libretto of the musical if you want the exact dialogue, lyrics, and locations.

@ifthenslashers has it linked in their pinned post (thank you for that, by the way💙. your resources are very helpful :))

but the libretto is very long, so i'll try to summarize it best i can(under the cut).

i hope this is helpful!

elizabeth vaughn moves back to new york city after divorcing her husband oren after 12 years. as he's waiting for her, her best friend (and ex-boyfriend this is relevant), lucas talks to this kindergarten teacher, who walked up to him and started talking to him. when elizabeth comes to the park(they're meeting in a park), both lucas and kate(the kindergarten teacher) walk up to her. it turns out that kate is elizabeth's neighbor. kate asks elizabeth to go with her and meet new romantic prospects, have fun. she calls her liz. lucas(a housing activist) asks elizabeth to come with him to meet the other members of the new york citizens for change and to go to his street action in the subway. he calls her beth. this is where the timelines diverge.

liz-verse (liz chooses kate):

so liz goes with kate to get coffee. josh barton, an army doctor who just came back from his second tour, walks up to liz. he awkwardly flirts with her. liz gets a call from a number with the area code (347). she doesn't recognize it so she doesn't pick it up. josh asks for liz's number, liz says it's a new number so she doesn't know it, josh asks her if she believes in fate, she says she doesn't, she walks away. ("what if?")

the next day, liz, kate, and anne (kate's girlfriend) are on the way to brooklyn on the subway. the subway car stops for a bit due to a street action (lucas's group's). the three talk about men, and kate keeps pointing out different men on the subway. josh(also on the subway) walks up to liz. again awkwardly flirts. he's from nebraska(are any falsettos mutual reading this? if so, you know exactly what i'm thinking of lmao). kate conducts an instant public poll about fate and whether liz should take josh's number. liz eventually gives in and takes josh's number. ("it's a sign")

over the course of the next few days? weeks? kate sets liz up on various blind dates. during one of them, liz sees josh in the distance. she runs up to him and hugs him in a last-ditch attempt to end that date. she pretends josh is a very old friend of hers, josh plays along. it's been three times that the two met now. josh asks liz out, she says yes, they go on a date that very evening. they end it at liz's apartment("map of new york"). liz expresses her apprehension with...relationships due to the probabilities. josh basically says "you never know"(bc that's the name of the song) and you can never really tell what's going to happen. ("you never know")

soon, josh and liz go on a date to a baseball game(yes, my dear falsettos mutuals, that is absolutely correct). kate, anne, and lucas tag along. soon enough, josh and liz set lucas up with josh's best friend, david. lucas and david hit it off. ("ain't no man manhattan")

liz and josh hang out in liz's apartment, again. josh reveals that he was on the way to the airport when he was on the subway that day and he didn't go back to nebraska bc of her. they make out, liz runs into the bathroom to get her shit together, they....do the do.("what the fuck?").

the next morning, they wake up. they talk about their relationship. they say "i love you".("here i go")

in a few weeks?(by my best estimation), it's liz's birthday! lucas sees liz pouring her champagne out of her glass and confronts her about it. he and david find out she's pregnant. david asks lucas to move in. he says yes. liz tells josh about the pregnancy. kate proposes to anne. she says yes. josh proposes to liz. she says yes. ("surprise")

a c t t w o

josh and liz get married! ("this day/walking by a wedding")

liz is pregnant(duh). she reads in the newspaper that the idiot mayor's nephew's incompetence with city planning cost the life of a child. josh sings about his excitement for a kid, they have their first son, jake. ("hey kid")

time skip some two years.

liz and josh had a second kid, cooper. lucas and david are babysitting jake. lucas is riding on a skateboard with the stroller. liz is (justifiably) bewildered. david's like he's belted in and has a helmet, he's safe. liz and jake go back home, bc liz is free due to spring break(she teaches urban planning in a uni) and josh is on days.

david talks to lucas about having a kid. lucas is apprehensive because...reasons. they sing "best worst mistake" which is objectively the cutest song in the whole show. they say "i love you" to each other for the first time. ("best worst mistake")

josh gets deployed. liz is mad, she tells him to quit. he says he can't. soon enough, he has to go. after some time, some officers come to liz's door, tell her josh died due to an rpg attack on the medical facility. lucas helps her with the kids, she tells him to go, stay with david. ("i hate you")

(sidenote: i'm on the verge of tears rn bc i'm speedrunning the whole musical in my head. sorry.)

liz is grieving for josh. ("you learn to live without")

the gang(minus anne) goes to josh's funeral. it turns out kate and anne divorced because anne was cheating on kate. kate and lucas ask liz about giving josh an honor guard. she says that he wanted to be cremated and have his remains scattered over the platte river in nebraska(who even knew there was a river in nebraska?). david says that he's imagined his life without josh the past few weeks: josh was his best friend, he introduced him to the man he loves, etc. he asks liz that if she met josh the next day while still knowing that she would lose him, would she avoid taking that chance to avoid the loss, or take the chance anyways? ("what would you do?"). lucas, kate, and david go to get the car. liz has a revelation, of sorts. she promises josh to "start over" with her life every day, and, in a sense, not wallow in the what-might-be's("always starting over").

time skip a few months. liz meets stephen(you'll find out who he is, soon enough) and his wife cathy. he offers her a job in the department of city planning. she takes it. lucas and david are walking in the park with their kid, huck, in the background. lucas walks up to liz, sits down, they talk. lucas reveals he's always been a bit in love with her, liz is surprised. they are the brotp and i love them. ("what if?(reprise)")

the end.

beth-verse(beth chooses lucas):

beth gets a call, area code (347). lucas informs her it's the nyc area code. she picks up. it's stephen, one of beth's old friends from grad school. he offers her a job under him as deputy director of city planning. lucas tells her not to go because he doesn't like stephen and he thinks a job with the city does not make enough of an impact. beth and lucas reminisce about their college days. lucas kisses beth. josh, who is seen walking toward beth in the background, walks away. beth recoils. it's all awkward. beth says she'll still come to the street action. ("what if?")

lucas and beth get bench warrants because of the street action.

beth goes to meet stephen. she's a bit hesitant at first bc she doesn't have experience. but she interviews for the job and she gets it. kate sets beth up on numerous blind dates. on one of them, she discreetly texts lucas to help her out. he comes, she runs up to him and hugs him, the date takes his leave. lucas and beth head to lucas's apartment. beth gets a text from stephen. lucas is still miffed about beth taking a city job. lucas tells her it's a bad idea to get involved with the boss. beth denies that she is in the first place. ("map of new york")

time skip. a couple weeks.

the nycc is protesting the redevelopment of the far west side (bc,,, gentrification). a project that, coincidentally, beth is working on.

beth and stephen go to a baseball game. stephen asks beth to convince lucas to back down from the project. beth does so by promising lucas to introduce him to an editor she knows if he backs down from the project.

time skip, the project is a success. ("ain't no man manhattan")

a few weeks? later, stephen comes to beth's place with some plans. she kisses him. he kisses back. he leaves bc he's married. beth calls lucas, who comes right by.

beth and lucas hook up. ("what the fuck?")

beth tells lucas she's sent in her resignation. he tells her that even though he despises stephen, this cannot be the reason that she quits.

lucas wants to know the status of their relationship, beth claims it was purely a one-time thing. lucas tells her he loves her even if she doesn't love him back and that he will always be there for her. ("you don't need to love me")

beth goes to work. she hires a young grad, elena. kate comes in, tells her that she's her kindergarten class's american hero. stephen comes to beth with the resignation, she rips it up. stephen asks beth to do the speech for the project bc the deputy mayor resigned and he has to step up (which means beth is the new director of city planning! yay!). ("no more wasted time")

it's beth's birthday! beth, kate, anne, elena, and lucas have a small get together. when lucas is off getting the cake, the girls find out that beth is pregnant(because...lucas). beth is confused bc she doesn't know what to do with the pregnancy and the job opportunity. elena tells her to follow what she wants to do. lucas is smashed. he asks beth to move in with him. she refuses. he proposes. again, she refuses. ("surprise")

(it is implied that kate proposes to anne here as well)

a c t. t w o

beth walks by a wedding and contemplates shit about weddings.("this day/walking by a wedding") she aborted the pregnancy.

beth is babysitting elena's kid. elena tells beth that she's moving with her husband to oregon. beth is upset because elena reminds her a lot of herself.

2.5 years after the end of act one, we see lucas in the park. he has published his book. a young woman(paulette) comes up to him, asks for an autograph, implies he's old, you know how it goes. beth walks up to lucas. we learn that lucas has avoided all contact with beth bc he had to grapple with the fact that she aborted the fetus. lucas asks beth if she had, at least, thought about the possibility of the two having a kid together. the two contemplate various alternate universes. beth asks if they can still stay friends. lucas wonders if this was his last chance at love. he walks away. he almost runs into a bicyclist—david. ("some other me")

beth is at an awards ceremony preparing to receive an award. stephen comes to say hi. he asks her to come work with him in albany. beth refuses. we learn that stephen has divorced his wife, cathy. ("map of new york(reprise)")

(ok i'm crying again one sec)

beth learns to cope with being alone(romantically).("you learn to live without")

she goes on a flight to london, which has to make an emergency landing in maine. kate decides to divorce anne because she was flirting with someone else(and kate thinks anne doesn't love her anymore). beth calls lucas, and they mend their friendship.("the moment explodes")

lucas tells beth that kate and anne are getting divorced. beth rushes to the bookstore where the two are dealing with the papers. she convinces them not to get divorced. ("love while you can")

a few weeks later, beth, lucas, kate, and anne meet in the park. kate won the nyc teacher of the year award. beth is planning to run for the city council. josh, who just returned from his third tour overseas, walks up to beth. he says hi, asks her out. she says yes, but her friends are waiting for her. lucas and kate pretend to be engrossed in their own thing. beth agrees to go on a date with josh that very day. ("what if?(reprise)")

the end.

#if/then mutuals feel free to clarify/add on/correct me #ik the timeline switches can make it kinda hard to follow #i hope i summarized it better than wikipedia #long post #anon tag #hmm might rewatch if/then tonight #if/then

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taikanyohou · 4 years

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First of all I completely disagree with everything you guys have been saying about Sarawat. Nobody is at fault but the issue here is Tine's insecurities. Pam's text was a hello so how could Sarawat have been lying and texting her? Also Tine was the one imaging scenarios in his head while browsing through Pam's ig, something he didn't need to do. Also Sarawat can't force Tine to talk, he asked him several times to tell him what's wrong and he refused to. Wat also stayed up all night which is /1

how he knew that Tine stayed up listening to music but like I said Tine didn't want to talk so what exactly do you guys expect him to do? Even the next day Tine STILL didn't want to talk and it was only till Sarawat abandoned band practice to take care of Tine and asked him again what was wrong which is when Tine told him how he felt about Pam. Wat explained the situation to Tine even pointing out he doesn't see Tine and Pam as similar to each other and his little joke at the end was just to /2

lighten the mood and make Tine feel better, which he did, not to dismiss his feelings. As for the song, it's probably the same as the video Tine thinking it's one thing and it being another. I don't understand how if Sarawat doesn't completely deal with Tine's insecurities, he's his boyfriend not his therapist, and Tine assumes stuff then that means Sarawat is an evil demon who has wronged Tine in the worst way. No one is wrong here people just need to talk. /3

hiii anon!!! wow okay. urm. so.

firstly, i’m sorry. i hold my hands up and i wanna apologise not just to you, but anybody else who i may have offended yesterday by saying how disappointed i was with sarawat in ep 12 and how he felt written really badly for me to the point where it irked me bc it felt like glimpses of novel! wat were peaking thru him in ep 12. but i’ve slept on it, and i’ve calmed down now. but yeah, i am still really sorry for what i said.

and its fine that you disagree and its absolutely okay for you to do so. you saw wat in a very different way than i did. thus, my interpretation was a total 180 from yours.

that being said, its ..... a sensitive issue. tine’s insecurities are a sensitive issue. yes, sarawat isn’t his therapist or counsellor. he is his boyfriend. and i feel like, if i were in that position, it would worry me if my s/o kept on hiding things from me, only for me to constantly find yet another ambiguous thing, and when i ask them for an explanation, they panic and freeze and just ... evade. especially if that happens not just once, but again and again. then, do you really blame tine for overthinking things? lets leave his insecurities out for a second, lets say he wasn’t insecure. even then, would you really blame him for being in the wrong if he overthought?

now here’s where tine has been a bit more quicker to react, in that he eventually, within that same ep, plucks up the courage to ask wat directly. and within that same ep or directly onto the next one, things get resolved and wat explains himself. so they do communicate.

but this time, its not just a simple issue. its not just a video, or a song. its a person. a first love. a past thats come to the present of which tine had very little idea on. handling that is a very different issue than to handling a video or a song being hidden from you. and what heightens it for him is that wat referred to her as his “first love”. not even a crush, but a “first love”. and pam says to him “she loves him back”. now obviously, we know that wat doesn’t love her. a ‘first’ love doesn’t mean the ‘only’ love. but couple that with tine’s already failed dating history, where his s/o has left him everytime, due to which he now feels he isn’t worth it, along with the fact that pam is quite literally a reflection of him in many ways, yet different from him too. what else is tine supposed to feel other than “second best yet again”.

now, like you said. the issue here is tine’s insecurities. you’re right - it is! bc this whole show is from tine’s perspective, so of course, all the issues and faults relate back to him and his way of perceiving and reading things. he either reads too much into it or doesn’t at all. its what insecurities do - they mess up and warp your perception into 2 very radical and polar opposite ends, one thats too intense and deep and one that is hollow and vacant.

now, i’m gonna say what i said yesterday. though this is sarawat’s first relationship, from what we know and can see, wat LOOKS and APPEARS to be the more secure one in the relationship from the two, partly bc he has had that year to stew over his feelings for tine, and this was when he didn’t even know if he’d see tine again. and now that he’s with tine, its more or less everything he’s ever wanted, given to him. but tine’s not had that time. all he’s had is failed relationship after failed relationship. but also, just bc sarawat has now, in tine, what he has always wanted, doesn’t mean its plain sailing. sarawat didn’t know tine came with such a huge amount of emotional baggage with him.

and yes sarawat has tried. he tried again and again yesterday to reach out. and i commend him for it. but now is the real crucial time for sarawat to learn who tine is, and help him unload that emotional baggage - not do it for him, but help him. not as a therapist or counsellor, but as his significant other.

and in doing that, he can’t make light of the situation. which, ya know, you found it as him tryna cheer tine up, but i didn’t. i found it rude and inappropriate. and thats okay. you have your view, i have mine. what also needed to happen here was, not sarawat saying that “he claims tine and that tine belongs to him”. no. go back to ep 11, where sarawat said to tine “i’d like to be with you for longer than 10 years”. something like that was what tine needed to hear then. something that mentioned stability and longevity, something he hasn’t had before ever in a relationship, not possessiveness. but of course, that’s just me being very nit picky so ... feel free to ignore that.

and the thing is, ya know what. in all of this. tine is gonna beat himself up more than anything and anyone else. he won’t even lash out that badly at sarawat, more so than he will beat his own self up for it. for being “dumb and silly and stupid and not enough and just a shadow and a failure”. he’s done it before, he will do it again. he won’t even feel the need to see sarawat as a demon. he loves him too much for that. and thats also another problem.

he sees sarawat as this entirely perfect person. i dont wanna say that he puts him on a pedestal, but bc other people do, it doesn’t help in his perception of seeing sarawat as being this too good of a person thats somehow ended up falling in love and being with him. that’s tine lack of self esteem speaking. and thats something they’re both gonna have to talk about.

these things arent just gonna go away. they’ll lie dormant, then flare up, then lie dormant again. what they can do though, like you mentioned, is talk. not as therapist-patient, but as 2 people, as equals, in a relationship. tine is gonna have to learn to open up and trust wat and change his perception and see that wat is human and that he isn’t perfect and that he is just as much of an equal part to this whole relationship, and wat’s gonna have to learn to not keep things secretive from tine and make tine see that he in fact is human and not perfect and just be more empathetic towards tine’s insecurities and low self esteem.

but thats easier said than done.

#faiza answers

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