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irishmammonagenda · 3 days

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Summertime Shenanigans-Obey Me X Reader

Summary: You go to the Celestial Realm on a mission, and end up finding out about a horror occurring all over different afterlives. With Lucifer's upcoming birthday, chaos ensues. Word Count: 6.3k+ Warnings: more than half of this is crack btw. female reader. Religious references. OCs involved, mentions of mythology, very bad representation of a very certian country. very much a Lucifer x reader bc its his birthday <3

post dividers by @saradika-graphics

You seem to keep finding yourself in the Celestial Realm these days, which makes sense seeing as you did get reincarnated as an angel so it is technically your realm. But still, you've visited the Celestial Realm as an angel way more times than you'd visited the Human Realm as a human.

Nothing but your thoughts occupy you as you climbed over the fence that bordered the official entrance to the Celestial Realm. Technically you could´ve just walked through the gate like a fucking normal person, or y´know used your wings to fly over the massive fence, but climbing was funner.

When you do make it over the fence, you make a beeline for the Celestial Gardens, passing Saint Peter on the way. The man just looks at you and sighs inwardly muttering something about how he was not crucified upside down just to watch some crackhead climb over the gates of heaven, he turns away from you and moves to greet a new arrival, being the nosy fucker that you are, you decide to watch from behind a cloud.

Peter can see you by the way. You're not fooling anyone, he's just choosing to ignore you.

Peter smiles at the young woman with hair as orange as a runny yolk. He nods to her. "Hello, and welcome to Heaven. I'm Saint Peter."

The woman's eyes widen and she looks around. "Heaven? But...that can't....I'm not..-"

Peter sighs, looking at the pendant of Mjölnir around her neck and nodding to himself. "Valhalla is currently under construction, again. We in Heaven have agreed to take all coming to Valhalla and host them for a few weeks until the damage is fixed. Again."

The woman lets her quickened breathing slow down, she mumbles weakly. "O-oh right...thank you...but..Valhalla's damaged, how?"

"Nothing much, just Derek."

"Derek?"

Peter shrugs, you tilt your head from where you're hiding behind your cloud. "He's just some guy. He's been appearing in every plane of Afterlife and, pardon my french, fucking things up."

The woman cracks her knuckles. "But why?"

Peter shrugs, "Because Derek's a dickhead."

"I see...."

Peter hands her a pamphlet before pointing her in the direction of the temporary accomodation set up for Norse Devotees before turning around and yanking the cloud off of you.

"Michael's where he usually is. Also, please stop climbing the fence, you're scaring the doves."

"Who's Derek and what's he got against Valhalla?"

Peter just sighs, "He's from Illinois."

"Understandable. I'm off to go see Michael, Bye Peter!"

"Goodbye MC! Use the gate next time!" Is all Peter shouts after you, before turning and having to explain to another disgruntled newcomer that a man called Derek exists so they have to stay in Heaven for a week.

After making it to the Celestial Gardens, you find Michael, Jesus and surprisingly, Satan huddled together looking at a crystal ball. You stop in your tracks, "What are you guys doing?"

"Making a gnome." Michael answers at the same time Jesus and Satan say, "Watching people debate theology."

You blink, sitting down in between Jesus and Satan. The former groaning with his head in his hands, exasperation written all over his tanned face, strands of dark wavy hair fall over his expression as eyes as rich as soil squeeze shut. An unusual sight to say the least. "If these people don't stop calling my mother a whore..."

"Yucky." You make a face.

"Very yucky." Michael agrees. "It's a shame we're not allowed to smite humans anymore."

You tilt your head looking at the Archangel. "You'd smite someone for calling another person a whore?"

Michael nods, golden curls and coils bouncing around as he does so, some paper shavings falling out from the confines of the coils like dandruff, ruby red eyes portray seriousness he doesn't normally express as he looks up from where he's giving the gnome insanely big ears. "Well no one messes with Mary."

Jesus nods in agreement.

Satan pats Michael on the shoulder, "Damn straight."

You look between the three, making note of Michael's green robe tied in such a way half of his chest is visible. Said visible skin is covered in glue and paper. "So, why are you torturing a gnome, and why are you guys watching humans debate theology?"

Satan shrugs, watching in the crystal ball as the Jehovah's Witnesses' enter the room to debate. "Funny."

Jesus smiles, "Interesting, but also frustrating."

Michael looks between the two, now attempting to paper maché more hair onto the gnome, in the process somehow getting newspaper stuck to his dark skin. "I'm an artist."

Satan gives you a hug, standing up and stretching his legs. "Well I better get going. If I leave fast enough I won't have to deal with Saint Peter on the way out."

Michael whistles, still not looking up from the gnome. "This about the upside down cross symbol?"

Satan sighs. "Not my fault people think it's my symbol not his...."

Michael discreetly glances over to Jesus who is explaining to you what's been happening in the debate he and Satan were watching. "Well I mean, getting crucified is kind of a bad experience sometimes."

Jesus makes a face at him. Michael raises his hands. "Okay...all the time."

Satan gives his uncle a look before he waves goodbye to you. "See you back at home, yeah?"

"Mhm! But don't tell Lucifer I'm here or I was here."

Satan smirks. "Only if you don't tell him I was here."

"Pinky promise?" You hold your pinky out.

"PInky promise." Satan intertwines your pinkies before waving goodbye to Jesus. "Bye Jesus! Sorry about the whole Desert thing! Bye Michael thanks for the blackmail material."

"Goodbye my favourite nephew!"

"Goodbye Satan." Jesus pauses the crystal ball and smiles kindly at you. "So what brings you to the Celestial Realm?"

You stiffen. "Oh yeah....I need to talk to Michael..."

Michael pauses from where the massive ears for the gnome have broken apart due to their heaviness. "If it's about Derek I already have a meeting with Father, Hera, The Dagda, and Odin later on today about the situation." He drawls boredly, before grinning, "But don't worry, I'll be sure to tell you all the details afterwards!"

You blank, "Well-...uh...it's not about Derek...." Jesus senses some sort of emotional turmoil from you, and places a tanned, scarred hand on your shoulder comfortingly.

Michael pauses from his horrific gnome creation, looking up at you with a raised eyebrow. Ruby red eyes staring into your soul. "Oh...then what's it about? You seem nervous."

Jesus stands up, giving you a pat on the head. "Well I'll give you two your privacy. Good luck with whatever it is, MC." The man gives you a knowing smile before walking away, the sun shining on his dark waves. You watch him leave, missing his comforting presence as you turn your attention onto the Archangel.

Time to ask him the biggest most important question in your afterlife.

meanwhile...

"Psst, kid. Yo kid." A man wearing a baseball cap asks from the fence bordering heaven, a cherub looks up at him, her small head tilting in confusion.

"Who are you?" She asks, stumbling onto her tiny feet as she walks towards the fence.

"I'm a friend....I got locked out of Heaven on accident and need help getting back in!" The strange man says, running his hands over his buzz cut, he adjusts his Chicago cubs cap. "I just need you to let me in!"

The little girl blinks at him, her small ringlet curls sway slightly in the light breeze as she gets closer to the fence. "But I dunno you...."

The man's lips tighten for a moment before morphing into a smile. "But I'm your friend! Are we not friends?" He says, allowing his face to fall into a sad expression.

The little girl looks up at him, still a few yards away from the fence, just out of arm's reach of the man. "My daddy sayed I'm not allowed to talk to strangers...."

"Oh really?" The wolfish man smiles. "And who's your daddy?"

"God!" She grins. "Well so is my other daddy and mummy but they're still on earth!"

God? He pales. "Oh...right....Well I'm still your friend, aren't I?" He reaches a hand through the fence, he needed to get into heaven for his plan God Dammit! The hand inches closer to the cherub.

"What's going on here?" A voice cuts through the silence along with tanned skin and ash-blond hair. The man retracts his hands from through the fence immediately.

"Oh...just got lost and couldn't find the main gates!....I was trying to get help...!...Is all..."

Raphael nods slowly, looking from the man to the cherub. "So you asked a cherub?"

"She was the only person I'd saw!"

"Guards patrol around the perimeter of the realm. Surely you could've flagged down one of them?"

"O-oh."

Raphael's lips twitch upwards slightly in something that could hardly be described as a smile. "No problem. I can direct you to where you need to go." The angel's hand twitches and a spear starts to materialise.

"Hey Michael can I borrow that sellotape for a second?"

"Sure! What for?" Michael tilts his head, still waiting on this very important thing you're supposed to be asking him.

You whsitle, pulling up your shirt and sellotaping under your breast on the left side of your ribs, where your pact mark with Lucifer is. "I can't risk Luci finding this out yet...."

Michael raises an eyebrow playfully.

"So basically...I uh...I kind of need to ask you something..."

Michael grins, red eyes sparkling. "You can ask me anything MC!"

"I...I need your blessing."

"My blessing?" Michael's brows furrow confusedly. "For what?"

"Well you see...."

You explain, and upon seeing Michael's darkening expression, you nearly gulped.

Raphael sighed in annoyance. The strange man had booked it and ran away, leaving him with the cherub, he stiffens slightly as he meets her big hazel eyes.

"...Hello."

"Hi! I know you! You're Raphael!"

Raphael nods. "Yes I am."

The cherub grins, her chubby cheeks making her eyes crinkle slightly. "I'm Evangeline! But I can't spell that so I just write Eva!"

The Archangel nods awkwardly, attempting to smile at the child. "Well that's great, Evangeline....I need to get back to the Celestial Palace...." The man says and begins walking, the child starts walking with him.

"That's fun! Do you always have spears with you?"

"Yes." Raphael answers disjointedly.

"Wow! I always wanted to hold a spear! Can I hold your spear Mr Raphael?"

"That would be dangerous, Evangeline." He answers awkwardly.

The child pouts. "Aw, okay!"

A moment of silence.

The cherub tugs on his trouser leg. "How come your hair's all grey?"

"It just is, I guess."

"But why?"

"God made me that way I suppose." He replies awkwardly.

"Okay!" Evangeline grinned. "God made me with weird eyes! Sometimes they look more green or more brown!"

Raphael blinks, this child was almost as socially inept as Michael. "That's because your eyes are hazel."

This was going to be a long walk.

Michael glares at you, straightening his shoulders to make them seem broader, and even with the mess of paper stuck to his skin and face, he still looks threatening.

As unusually serious as you'd ever seen him, it almost hurts to keep his gaze.

He's stopped his arts and crafts and instead focuses all of his attention on you. "I'm going to need you to repeat that, MC."

You audibly gulp.

Lucifer sighs from where he's seated in the student council room. The paperwork feeling more suffocating than usual. Almost as if someone had taped over his mouth and nose very badly. The door creaks open and he looks up to see Mammon.

The Avatar of Greed looks around the room before cursing and turning to walk out again.

"Mammon."

"Oh hiya Lucifer!" Mammon says, looking disgruntled.

"What are you doing." Lucifer sighs, knowing better than to frame it as a question.

"Lookin' for MC. Can't find'er anywhere...."

The first born sits up straighter, something flashing in his ruby eyes. "You can't find MC?"

"Nope. And I've checked ev'rywhere! Even the fuckin' attic. I asked Beel but he said he hasn' saw'er since this mornin'."

Lucifer feels something swirl in his chest. "I'll ask Diavolo."

"Thanks...Me and Beel are teamin' up and lookin' around the classrooms."

Lucifer pinches his hooked nose.

Diavolo sits in the meeting room of the palace, a man of granduer sits across from him. Long silvery hair frames his timeworn face, a well groomed beard grows from his face, as he enjoys a cup of Barbatos' tea.

Diavolo's brows furrow. "I just don't see us being able to do anything about it without potentially hurting our already strained relationship with the Human Realm."

The man nods, glancing down at his coarse hands with his one eye. He speaks with a Scandinavian accent. "Those were our thoughts as well. Killing him could be a bad diplomatic move."

The Demon Prince nods gravely to the God. "I heard from my meeting with Helios that this mortal journeyed into realms unknown and came out...different."

Odin scratches his chin in thought. "I say we find a way to trap him." He closes his eye. "I do believe this figure was spotted outside of the Celestial Realm."

Diavolo nods seriously, a small grin on his face. "Well at least we know the general area he's in."

"But you and I both know we can't kill him without the high possibility of it backfiring on us." The Revered warrior attests.

Diavolo nods in agreement before a knock on the door is heard. The Demon Prince stands up, excusing himself to open the door, revealling a frazzled Lucifer.

"Oh hello Lucifer, what's the matter?"

"I apologise for interrupting Lord Diavolo but have you seen MC? We believe she's gone missing..."

Diavolo's eyes widen in worry. "No, have you tried calling her?"

Lucifer shakes his head, Odin regards the scene with vague interest. "Goes to voicemail, she isn't receiving our texts either."

Diavolo sitffens.

"If I may interject, MC is the human-turned-angel who managed to keep her pacts even after her rebirth?" The Norse God asks.

Lucifer nods.

"Well then, she's in the Celestial Realm right now with Archangel Michael."

"Thank you. Thank you." The Avatar of Pride says breathlessly. Youre safe, possibly scheming, but you're safe. "How did you know that?"

Odin points to his eye, or lack thereof.

"Oh right...wisdom..." Lucifer blinks, the adrenaline wearing off making it easier to think straight and also feel shame. "Well thank you Odin and Diavolo. I apologise for interrupting."

Diavolo grins. "It's never an interruption if it's about MC's safety."

Lucifer leaves, shutting the door gently behind him, Diavolo and the Mighty Odin continue their discussion.

Speaking of your safety, you're not exactly feeling very safe right now. You should make a wikihow article called 'How to Turn Archangel Michael into a Feral Beast in Literally One Sentence!'

Said Archangel has his narrowed eyes on you. "Lucifer is my baby brother...."

"He's thousands of years old if you think about it." You smile awkwardly.

"Still just a baby."

"He's the Avatar of Pride! LIterally the Demon Prince's Righthand man!"

"And that's a great preschool activity." Michael huffs.

You sigh, looking down at the spear currently being pointed at you neck. Michael makes a sound akin to a snarl. "Look MC. I know that Lucifer is his own person. I know that even though he's still an edgy little teenager slash toddler in my eyes he is technically an adult. But he's still my baby brother."

The Archangel lowers his spear, turning around, golden coils bouncing as he does so, almost deflating with him. "He's just....those two minutes spent without him were the hardest two minutes of my life...except of course the multiple minutes in the Great Celestial War."

You walk closer to Feral Michael, who turns back around to face you, a fire in the crimson eyes he shares with his twin brother. "I know he's all grown up now, but he's still my baby brother, and I know that you're one of my closest friends MC."

He closes the distance between you, cornering you into a tree. Face stony and grave. "But so help me God, if you ever do anything to hurt him....and I don't mean having a simple argument or whatever...If you ever truly do something to hurt him...you're going to wish there was a realm out there that could shield you from me."

He pauses, moving away from you and grinning his usually playful grin. "Are we understood."

He wasn't asking.

"Yes. Very understood." You nod. "I would never hurt Luci like that....ever...."

The blond pulls one of his golden curls so it stretches completely straight before letting go and watching it coil back up again. "Well....I'm sorry I went all...like that on you...big brother instincts?"

You shrug. "Reminds me of Lucifer that one time this witch genuinely threatened Mammon with a grimoire. That shit was brutal."

"Must've been." Michael whistles. "So...have you decided how you're going to do it?"

"Well sort of...but I was hoping you'd help me shop for the ring?"

Michael's grin widens.

Derek Wisconsin made it away just barely with his life. He had almost convinced that little girl to let him into the Celestial Realm! He really almost did! But then that Seraph (or was he an Archangel?) guy Raphael just had to stop him!

He pants, beads of sweat running down his forehead. Taking off his Chicago Cubs cap and sighing in relief at the feeling of a free bald buzzcut head.

Derek groans, peeling off sunburnt skin while the door creaks open. He never should've went to somewhere as sunny as the Celestial Realm without putting sunscreen on first.

Derek might've been one millionth-gazillionth italian but he definitely did not tan like one. When he was in the sun he burned more than a petrol fire on a hot summer's day. There must be ginger genes in him somewhere.

"Derek. You need to stop this. All of this attempted destruction of the afterlife....it's...it's not right Derek." A voice sounds behind him. Another man, with an identical buzzcut and baseball hat, except this man had glasses.

"Shut up Eric." Derek grunts. "I'm doing what has to be done so the cubs win every match they play."

"You're doing this for baseball?" Eric asks, adjusting his glasses further up his nose.

"Baseball is our life Eric."

"No. Baseball is your life, Derek. I like ice hockey better and you know it!" Eric bites his bottom lip, arms crossed over his chest as he looks at his friend.

"That's just because you're half Canadian." Derek scoffs. "Go listen to Justin Beiber you race traitor."

"American isn't a race, Derek."

Eric looks at his friend, before taking off his hat. "You can have your spare fucking hat back, Derek." The half Canadian reaches the door before turning around. "Oh and by the way, Justin Beiber fucking sucks. Canadians don't claim him."

The door slams shut.

Derek is left in silence.

Evangeline giggles, climbing around Raphaels shoulders, he winces and brings up an uncertain hand to stabilise her. With one leg on each shoulder and Raphael holding both of her legs for stability the little angel cheers.

"Wow! I'm so high up! I'm so high up! Do ya see me?!"

"Yes....I see you." The angel nods slowly, continuing his now very delayed walk to the Celestial Palace.

"I love being up high! I can't wait till my wings grow some more and then I can fly!"

"..I'm sure you'll be a good flyer." The ashy haired angel grunts out awkwardly.

"Yay!"

Forget almost dying in the Great Celestial War, this was the scariest moment of his life.

You blink at Michael's retracting form. He sat you down on a bench and gave you crayons and a colouring book, before telling you to wait on him finishing this meeting about that one guy Derek.

You sigh and begin colouring in a picture of a clown and making it Michael. Fuck that guy, you're not a kid!

Upon hearing footsteps you look up. "Oh hey Raphael! Who's the kid?"

"I'm Evangeline!" The cherub grins fidgeting and manuevering herself off of Raphael's shoulders and waddling up to you. "Who are you?"

"I'm MC, I'm Raphael's friend!" You smile at the child. Raphael gives you a grateful look. You never knew he could be that expressive.

"Me too! I'm Mr. Raphael's bestest ever friend!" The girl grins excitedly, swinging while standing, going back and forth to leaning on her heels then to leaning on her tiptoes.

"Well! I'm happy to hear that Evangeline! Would you like to do some colouring in?"

"Yes please!"

Raphael sits beside you, feeling the need to worship the ground you walk on. His ordeal of dealing with a child is over.

After a very enlightening zoom call meeting and bidding goodbye to Odin. Diavolo calls a very spooky number.

The phone is answered a crackly voice speaks through it.

"I need your help. We know where Derek is staying but as Gods, Angels and Demons....we can't kill him...but you can."

A chuckle crackles through the phone speaker. "Send me his Location. I'll see what I can do."

[A Week or So Later....]

Derek wipes the sweat off of his brow as he begins his operation. Making bombs that aren't molotov cocktails is very difficult, thank god for Wikihow.

Unfortunately setting them down strategically in order to blow up the Celestial Realm is quite difficult.

"You seem to be having some troubles with that." A voice cuts through the silence.

"Oh yeah I am-" Derek begins before turning around and staring wide-eyed at the ivory-haired intruder like a deer in headlights. He immediately stands up. "Who are you?"

"The name's Solomon." The sorcerer gives the man a closed mouth smile. "Normally I don't interfere with the business of the Celestial Realm...but seeing as they asked, and a very close friend of mine is an angel, and also seeing as I think baseball is largely pointless...I don't think it's a very logical gameplan to let you live..."

Derek splutters. "Y-you can't!"

Solomon opens his eyes, something unreasonable in those ocean blue irises. "Oh but I can!" He grins. "It's one thing to try and destroy things, it's another to attempt to blow up multiple plains of existence with bombs you made using a WIkihow tutorial just because of baseball."

"I-...I just!" Derek backs away, Solomon follows, absentmindedly using magic to disable every bomb.

"You just what? We know you're from Illinois, but have some sense Derek." Solomon shakes his head. "You are the worst stereotype of Americans I've ever seen. I looked into your file. Your surname is literally Wisconsin."

Derek grunts. "You don't understand my passion. I'll kill everyone for those baseballers."

"You've killed several people after highjacking a bus in the Human Realm. You're a danger to yourself and others. Plus you've one too many jokes about teenage girls 'doing it better'. Bye bye Derek." Solomon gives him another closed eye smile, humming over the screaming and the sound of crackling flames.

When all is done and gone, the sorcerer takes out his DDD, alerting the others that it's been taken care of.

[Yet another Week Later...]

A flash of celestial light bounces off of every wall and surface in your room. You yelp, ivory wings and golden halo jutting out in your startledness. Did you do this? No. You couldn't have. Maybe subconsciously..? How were you going to explain a flash of celestial light to Lucifer? He was going to kill you! Maybe not kill just yet seeing how he reacted the first time you died. But! You were an angel now, which meant no more fragile human body, which meant Lucifer would hypothetically have no qualms stringing you up! Oh God this was it wasn´t it? You were going to-

The light dims, clearing completely, a silhouette appears in its wake. Phew! Guess it wasn't you nearly exorcising everyone in the House of Lamentation then. (Even though it wouldn't exorcise anyone anyway seeing as that wasn't how demons worked. But hey, you were disoriented.) Your relief was short lived, seeing as there was actually someone in your room.

You grab your lamp and hold it up like its a baseball bat. You were prepared to swing, what you weren't prepared for however; was the figure racing towards you. You screech as you're pulled into a bone-crushing hug. Your grip on the lamp relaxes and so do you when you realise just who it is.

"Michael?! What the fuck are you doing here?!" You hiss. "You scared the life out of me!"

Michael loosens his grip, his signature grin on his handsome face, crimson eyes shining. "I don't think you'd die that easily a second time. And besides, I have actual proper serious business this time."

You step out of the hug. Giving him an indignant look as he gets distracted with your room, he walks to your wall, stepping over the bag he brought with him and begins making what can only be described as his 'Lucifer Impression' in your mirror, which was essentially him scrunching up his face so he looked constipated then waggling his ring adorned finger in disapproval.

"You're here for serious reasons. You?"

"Well you didn't have to say it like that." Michael remarked, turning around to face you so fast you get whiplash, so does Michael apparently. His golden curls had been done up in intricate braids, with rose gold braiding rope helping to keep half of it up and away from his face, he'd added jewels and gems in charms hanging from the braids themselves, a fact he seemed to have forgotten until, with the force and speed he twisted his head at, his hair swung back and then forward again, hitting him right square in the mouth. You snorted.

He glares at you. "Don't laugh! Do you know how long I had to sit still for to get these?! 12 hours! I am so lucky I'm not tender-headed!"

"Holy fuck?! 12 hours?! And now they're attempting to assassinate you." You nod dutifully, "Atleast they're pretty."

"Pretty is the least they could be. Especially when Raphael almost poked my eye out when he was measuring the braiding rope. So not only is my hair trying to assassinate me, so is Raphael!" Michael said, sitting on your bed cross-legged, smoothing out the non-existent wrinkles in his white gold accented blazer suit that looked suspiciously similar to Lucifer's. Damn twins.

You paused. "Raphael does your hair?"

Michael smiles, "Oh yeah! It's his secret hobby! So don't tell anyone!" The Archangel closes his eyes, as if imagining an era long passed. "He saw me and Lucikins trying to do Lilith's hair once and was sold."

You don't comment on the dopey expression. Michael continues. "Raphael never liked playing most games. He's like Lucikins in that way. They both think they're so grown up....He was normally with Simeon writing their little short stories together, seeing as they're both the nerdiests nerds of all the nerds...but he did see the end result of me and Luci braiding flowers into Lilith's hair...we did it with Asmo too, to cheer him after he nearly fell through a cloud. Cue the next day, Raphael asking to do my hair. Being the amazing big brother I was- I accepted!" Michael makes a face. "I think that was the first time I felt true fear."

You laughed evilly. "I should do your hair sometime."

The way Michael looks at you is akin to a deer in headlights. "Absolutely not. One adorable maniac obsessed with spears doing my hair is enough for me thank you very much. I do not need two."

"What if Luke asked?" You tilt your head.

"Jokes on you MC! Luke already likes to do my hair! He puts clips and flowers and bows and all in it!" Michael sticks out his tongue.

"Oh I cannot wait to see that." You grin.

Michael gives you another look, with his ruby red eyes looking so disapprovingly, the resemblance between his younger brother, (by two whole minutes!; he'd add gloatingly at any other time) is uncanny.

You put your hands up defensively. Deciding changing the topic would be a good idea seeing as you would like to not die a second time, (technically a third if you count Belphie.) so, you tilt your head. "You never told me what you were actually doing here."

"Oh yeah!" Michael nods. "Thanks for reminding me." He moves to grab the bag from the center of the room where he appeared. You forgot about that bag.

"Michael I swear to God if you've put a live pigeon in there I'm going to scream." You whisper frightendly.

The Archangel arks his head up to you in a flash, wincing when a braid hits him across the mouth again. He raises an eyebrow. "No? Why would I have a pigeon?"

You sigh in relief. "I had a dream last night that Pigeons caused the Second Coming of Christ."

Michael chuckled. "Second Coming of Christ doesn't exist, MC. I just got bored while John of Patmos was writing the Book of Revelation. Thought it'd be nice to set up for a sequel."

You blink. "How are you not a demon?"

"I dunno. Didn't really feel like it at the time. The lack of sunlight in the Devildom makes me depressed. Plus I'd rather not take vitamin D pills, it seems like so much work." Michael shrugged.

Made sense. "So what's in the bag?"

Michael grins excitedly, if he had a tail it would be wagging like a helicopter and knocking everything in your room that wasn't nailed to the surfaces down. "Well! My most amazingest underling! Can you tell me what date it is?"

"June 5th?"

"Which as you know, is the eve of the best and worst day in history."

You raise a brow. "Best and worst?"

"Best because it's the day I was born, worst because 2 minutes later my lovely adorable little baby brother was born." He laughs.

"If Lucifer ever heard you calling him your lovely adorable little baby brother I think he'd start a war."

"How do you think the War of the Bucket started?"

"Excuse me?"

Michael doesn't answer any of your questions, and instead chooses to finally show what's in the bag. A gnome.

Not just any gnome oh no. One that looked suspiciously like it was made by the same person who made the suspiciously bad looking gnome that looked like Michael that Mammon would hide the spare key to the backdoor of the House of Lamentation behind.

This one however did not have Michael's dark skin, or the horrible neon yellow hair painted on. Oh no, this one had pale skin, another DnD-esque cape on, except with the vampire looking collar, it had black hair with shiny metalic silver streaks in it. So that was the gnome Michael was torturing.

You hold back your laughter. "...Why?..."

"It's a birthday gift MC, you know? the things people give to other people on their birthdays? I mean you look a bit dim, you might not've heard of it."

"Did you-" You try to hold back your cackling. "Did you use clay-" You nearly double over, suddenly your knees feel quite weak. "Did you use clay to...-make Lucifer's ears...-massive?-"

"Why yes I did, and thank you for noticing!"

"Kind of hard not to notice them."

Michael grins, "Wanna help me sneak it into his office?"

You perk up. "Do I ever?!"

Lucifer always finds himself quite melancholy on his birthday. Somehow the date always enjoys to remind him of his first brother. Not that he doesn't miss the idiots he lives with now. If he looks at Satan attempting to annoy him every waking hour in enough of a squint, it almost feels as if Michael is in the Devildom.

Speaking of; it really feels like Michael is in the Devildom today.

Lucifer shrugs it off. As it was his birthday he allowed himself a lie-in. Barbatos had eased his workload for the surrounding week, something Lucifer was quite grateful of.

Sighing, he walked slowly from the kitchen, coffee cup in hand; he might as well get his paperwork done now so he can spend the rest of the day with his loved ones before maybe he'd let Cerberus out of the underground tomb and into his room to sit by him whilst he listened to cursed records and enjoyed a finely aged bottle of demonus. (Not that Cerberus was a pet! Or that he was pampered! He was purely a guard dog! Stop suggesting otherwise Simeon, Barbatos, Diavolo and probably even Michael! Lucifer was not soft!)

The planning of what was essentially his day off was just prolonged enough that he was snapped out of his thoughts once he reached the door to his office.

Upon opening it, he wished he hadnt.

Atop his desk sits the most blasphemous rendition of him he's ever seen, that's including every lifetime christian movie that thinks he and Satan are the same person.

The gnome wasn't hand crafted but it was certainty hand-edited. It was an ugly thing, though, the more Lucifer looked at it, the more innocently charming it became, but in an ugly way.

He'd place it beside the Michael Gnome tonight, at least the ugly blasphemous gnome version of himself could be with his ugly blasphemous twin's gnome version of himself.

As he went to move it off of his desk, he noticed the note attached to the gnome's leg.

To my adorable little baby brother,

Lucifer's eye twitched. Had Michael still not learnt to call him that? Even after the War of the Bucket?! Even after the Emu War?! He was going to rip that Angel's head clean off.

You're so lucky to share a birthday with me! How unfortunate you were a late show, tut tut tut. Should've been born quicker, Lucikins. :o

Lucifer's wings and horns popped out. 'Lucikins?' That nickname again? Oh, Michael was a dead man.

I know you'll love my present. The gnome looks just like you! Though sadly, I ran out of clay so I couldn't make the ears any bigger.

Unconsciously, Lucifer reached up to cover his ears, but caught himself. Damned Michael! Their ears are literally the same size! He takes a deep breath.

Anyway, happy birthday my adorable, squishy cheeked, starry eyed, little baby brother! Maybe one day you'll grow up to be big and strong just like your big bro! Lots of Love to my baby brother: Michael xoxo

Lucifer felt rage course through his body at such a rate, he had to turn around to make sure he didn't pop out another Satan. Thank Diavolo he didn't. If he did, Michael was taking them home.

Fine. If Michael wanted to hide in the Devildom, call his ears big, and then insist that Lucifer was his 'baby brother' despite the fact he was barely even two minutes older!--then Lucifer wasn't going to sit idly by.

He takes his DDD out of his pocket. Cue the dramatic music.

"Hello, Luke? Can you pass the phone to Simeon please? Yes Thank you." Lucifer pauses, hearing rustling and then finally Simeon's voice on the other end of the DDD. "Hello Simeon. How would you like to travel with me to the Celestial Realm, I fear I haven't been in a while."

Simeon pauses. "...Why?..."

Lucifer swallows thickly, a smirk overtaking his features. "I'm planning on paying Michael a visit."

"He gave you another gnome didn't he?"

"...Okay. Goodbye Simeon."

"No way...He did!"

"Goodbye Simeon." By the time Lucifer hangs up, he can hear the angel laughing on the other end of the phone.

The Avatar of Pride sits down on his chair, covering his face in his hands he grinned. Oh he is so going to enjoy getting Michael back for this one.

And hey, if a few garden flamingos with golden wigs and DnD-esque capes are sighted around the celestial realm later on today. What a coincidence!

Lucifer chuckles heartily. He missed this.

Just as the Avatar of pride is resting, a knock sounds on his door.

"Come in." He sighs, eyes lighting up slightly when he sees that it's you. "Oh hello, Dearest."

You approach his desk, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, smiling slightly when you feel his face heat up. "Happy birthday Luci...wanna come on a walk with me?"

"Sure. Let me grab my coat."

And so it goes.

After about twenty minutes of walking through the park hand in hand with Lucifer, you stop at a fountain. "Woah is that fish in there?"

"Hmm?" Lucifer looks over to you.

"Luci can you see fish in the fountain? I think my mind is playing tricks on me..."

Lucifer raises a brow, but always willing to please you, he looks into the fountain, some strands of ebony hair falling over his face at the movement.

"There aren't any fish, MC...I think you might need sleep-" Lucifer drawls as he begins to turn around to face you. Stopping abruptly when he sees you down on one knee, a ring in your hand.

"MC..." He says breathlessly, heart thumping out of his chest.

"Lucifer, the Morningstar, the Avatar of Pride...will you make me the happiest being in all three realms and marry me?"

"MC...I-...You...-...Yes, I'd carve the word into my flesh if I had to..."

You grin, tears welling up in your eyes as you take off Lucifer's glove and slide the ring onto his finger. He helps you up and pulls you into his arms. Face buried into your neck.

"This will mean that you're mine...just like our pact..." He smiles into your collarbone, placing small kisses here and there.

You laugh. "Sure, Luci sure."

Two lovers hold each other in a gentle embrace, witnessed only by themselves and the moon. No granduer, no dramatic announcement, just lying about fish in a fountain.

i cant write proposals BUT as a special birthday bonus: the gnomes.

i was originally just gonna do lucifer but they're twins so I had to do both of them.

in the original fic with the michael gnome i said he had neon hair but i have no idea how to neonify hair and am not an artist so L, have cursed gnomes.

as you can see i can colour inside the lines. and also i hate the fill tool.

before we start:

yes i am posting this on the 5th and i do know that Luci's birthday is the 6th, but i got this done early and have the patience of a child on christmas😔✊

yes derek and eric are dumb stereotypes. everyday im amazed that baseball is literally just rounders with a different name and more theatrics. anyway, i enjoy writing americans the way americans write us. i picked illinois because thats the first state that popped into my head, and also its easy to spell so.

im friends with like three people from canada and im scared of all of them.

anyway grma for reading and i promise the next fic i do for someones birthday i will actually include them in it more.😔✊<3

#yes i know i havent had a lot of irish in my posts recently but thats bc of exams; i wouldnt feel good just like adding stuff #and not being able to actually explain it; but my exams are over now and i just wanted easy writing #(lazy fr)#obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me x reader #obey me mc #obey me lucifer #obey me raphael #obey me solomon #obey me michael #obey me lucifer x reader #obey me crack

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