#but I quickly ran off when I realized you had to be social lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heesdreamer · 1 year

Text

anything else

PAIRING ➩ hyung line x reader

SUMMARY ➩ life brought you four boys at different times, somehow knowing when you needed them most. how could you possibly choose?

WARNINGS ➩ sexual content, um they’re very punk so piercings, fights, etc

WC ➩ 12.7k

AUTHOR NOTE ➩ so this one’s a little out of the ordinary but i hope you like it because i do despite the issues it gave me lol. little reminder that you can request additional scenes or specific scenarios you’d like to see but i don’t think ill just write a “part 2” also i originally started this as a specific member one shot try to guess who she was going to end up with! (NOT PROOFREAD)

There were three rules you religiously followed when it came to hooking up with people and any sign of them even slightly bending and you were gone before your side of the bed had even cooled.

The first one was the most simple and the one people had a problem with the least, no exclusivity. You didn’t want to belong to anybody and considering the crowd you ran with seemed just as against commitment, you didn’t find yourself having to argue this point a lot.

Your friend group had been close since a young age, only adding on a few additions as you all got older and branched out into different social circles, some of you bringing back worthy contenders into the main group of people. But for the most part things remained tight between you all and you liked it best like that, knowing the scandal that could unfold if some of your weekend activities were made public knowledge.

You’d met Jake and Sunghoon fresh into elementary school when they moved into the house next door, Jake’s parents taking in Sunghoon pretty much full time to the point he had his own bedroom in their house. You’d learn over time as you got closer to them that his home life was shaky and he slowly and slowly stopped going home at all as the years passed.

Jake caught your attention from the first night you’d seen him, standing on your porch in front of his parents legs with a scowl on his face and messy hair.

The same scowl he had now as he leaned back against the couch you were sat on, groaning and settling his feet into your lap. Jake wasn’t necessarily the troubled kid your parents had made him out to be, growing concerned and warning you away from him once they realized he had caught your interest. He was more sensitive than he let off and could do more damage with his clumsy feet and the way he threw his whole body into a laugh than his fist, but his bark was always a lot bigger than his bite.

You liked him immediately.

You’d spent the first few months of knowing him watching him from your porch and he tried to learn how to skateboard, seeing him fall and scream words that you’d only ever heard your parents say when they were particularly stressed about something.

He’d fall off the board a few times and you’d watch him stand back up, knees and hands bloody from smacking against the concrete. He didn’t pay any mind to it and you wondered if he felt any pain at all.

When you were 16 years old, you let him take your virginity. You’d spent the previous hours leading up to that drinking on a random week day, Sunghoon having thrown up in the kitchen sink and then falling asleep sprawled across the cold tiles.

You were both young and drunk, extremely stupid, and his handsome face was rambling about something that had happened in detention that pissed him off when you sloppily fell forward on your hands and kissed his sneering face.

It wasn’t good and it definitely wasn’t romantic but you trusted Jake more than anybody on the planet, with Sunghoon following at a tight second place, and you didn’t regret it the following morning. Jake, of course, showed no sign of awkwardness and if you didn’t sleep with him yourself you would’ve had no idea anything had even happened between the two of you.

That’s what you thought at least, quickly being proven wrong over a hungover breakfast when Sunghoon immediately sniffed the two of your out and bluntly announced it in the middle of the quiet restaurant.

That was your favorite thing about being friends with Sunghoon, you absolutely never had to worry if he was telling the truth or sugarcoating things to protect your feelings. He couldn’t care less how you reacted to his honesty, as long as he told you exactly what he was thinking.

Sometimes when Jake had little outburst of anger or isolated himself from the two of you, Sunghoon staying temporarily at your house during those times, you got stuck in your overthinking about him. If he actually liked being your friend or if you were just leeching onto him and he was tolerating your company for convenience.

You never had to think about that type of stuff with Sunghoon, directly opposite to Jake in the way he handled his emotions. You figured that’s why they managed to be so close for so long, their differences balancing each other out.

It became apparent to you that Jake had a habit of befriending people different than him when you finally graduated from high school and all entered college together (Sunghoon had been accepted to better schools but he didn’t want to miss out). It had only taken a week of classes before Jake was showing up to lunch dragging a boy you hadn’t seen before behind him.

The boy looked nervous and you watched them as they approached, getting the urge to push his round glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

“Made a friend.” Jake was declaring as he swung his leg over the tables seat and smiled at you and Sunghoon. He looked back at the boy impatiently and patted the spat next to him, implying he wanted him to hurry up and sit down.

“If he kidnapped you let us know.” You were addressing the boy, a bored tone in your voice at Jake’s antics. “Sunghoon can hold him down while you get a head start.”

He looked like he didn’t know if you were joking at first, eyes going to Sunghoon who had looked up from his plate and was observing the stranger with his usual stony face. Then Jake was bursting out into a laugh loud and you cracked a smile, extending a hand towards the boy who relaxed slightly.

Lee Heeseung was a stark opposite to your trio, even more so than your usual dynamics. Jake explained he had befriended him because he was smart and you were all struggling, minus Sunghoon but he was less than helpful when it came to helping you out with academics. Immediately following up and saying that he seemed cool too when Heeseung shot him a hurt expression at his shallow reasoning.

You found Jake’s influence over people very interesting from somebody who was unaffected by it for the most part. You wondered if people were partly fascinated by him because they carried the very human urge to fix things that they deemed broken.

You’d seen it on random people who’d been in your life, classmates and week long girlfriends who’d came and went quicker than you could memorize their names but it was especially noticeable in Heeseung, more apparent as the years went by and he remained in your lives.

It was hard to remember when exactly in time he had stopped being so quiet, stopped being so kind and dedicated to his studies and started to become a bit more like you and your friends. You felt small pangs of guilt when you’d come home to your shared apartment and see him sitting on your couch in a haze, missing another important class that just six months ago he would’ve broken into a nervous sweat over.

Still, he was an adult and capable of making his own choices.

“This is a terrible choice.” Your voice was mumbling today, watching him as he was perched on your bathroom counter with his back pressed against the mirror. You were stood between his knees and staring at his face with a disappointed look.

“You’d do it for Jake but not for me?” He was complaining, trying to get on your good side.

You fiddled with the metal stick in your hand and glanced down at it. Last week you had drunkenly fulfilled Jake’s request for a home style eyebrow piercing, amateurly piercing his smooth skin and ignoring Sunghoon’s groans of disgust at the blood dripping down his forehead.

“Jake’s an idiot.” You sighed and pressed the sharp point of the needle into your thumb for a second. “That’s why I don’t care if he looks like an idiot.”

“When’d you get so motherly Y/N.” Sunghoon’s flat tone was ringing from behind you and you looked over Heeseung’s shoulder at the mirror, seeing him leaning against the doorway and watching the scene play out.

“I don’t know, I guess something about cleaning after three boys in their 20’s for four years does that to a person.” You were sarcastically responding, bitterness in your voice. His mouth quirked up into a half smile and you grinned at his reflection.

You looked back at Heeseung who was watching you with excited expectant eyes, bangs pushed back so you could have clear access to his eyebrow when you inevitably fell for his begging and negotiating. You hummed at his expression and stood on your tiptoes, pressing forward to kiss him.

He wasn’t at all surprised by this, or unnerved by the fact Sunghoon was standing right there and still watching the two of you even when his hand came up to hold your hair.

Bringing you back to your original point and the most important things to you as you entered your young adult life, your three rules.

No exclusivity was the most important to you for multiple reasons, the main being the fact it made your skin crawl for anybody to consider you something they owned, something they had any say over. And more selfishly, you’d quickly realized after sleeping with Jake that you liked sex.

You didn’t discover this through him, in fact after the first time you slept with him, the two of you never once spoke about it. Then three years later at a college party you were tipsy and dancing together, pressed tightly against his front and you weren’t sure if it was the alcohol running through you or the way he looked under red lighting but you suddenly found yourself desperate for him.

So you let him fuck you against the wall of a grimy frat house bathroom and tried not to think of the consequences with him panting into your open mouth and roughly tugging on your hair.

It’d been three years now and you’d still yet to feel any negative effect from that night, waking up the next morning to bruises on your skin and him sleeping off the liquor soundly next to you.

It almost drove you crazy how normal he was about it, how normal he continued to be every time he was coming into your room at night to let off steam or pushing against you in the kitchen. At a young age you admired the way Jake handled tough situations but as an adult it weighed heavily on your mind, not being able to get a read on his emotions.

So when he had walked into the living room after a late shift at work and caught you pressing Heeseung into the couch, mouth moving against his and his shirt thrown onto the carpeted floor, you aren’t sure why you expected him to care.

He froze for just a second, mirroring the way Heeseung did from underneath you. You sat up to look at him in the doorway, breathing heavily from your spot in your friends lap. He watched you for a few seconds, holding your worried gaze, before he was smirking slightly and walking down the hall towards his room.

Much to a distraught Heeseung’s displeasure, you were too thrown off by his reaction that you immediately hopped off the boy and you didn’t sleep together.

Still to this day you hadn’t ever fully had sex but you’d built up a casual habit of intimacy in other forms, including, and the one you did most frequently, kissing him. You liked the way he sent you a text when he couldn’t sleep, coming over to lay on your chest and get some rest and you liked sitting in his lap in a packed car and letting him rest his head on your shoulder.

So the first rule was silently installed and despite your initial confusion at Jake’s careless reaction you eventually found yourself thankful for how normalized it was in your small group to find comfort in each other in different ways.

The second rule started right around the time you met Jay.

It wasn’t often you yourself made friends outside of the boys, despite your frequent stops at parties and clubs you tended to stick near one of the three or make light conversation with somebody who knew one of them and you by association.

So when you brought home a boy after a particularly hazy night, spending an open weekend smoking on some random frat boys uncomfortable couch, it was a big shock to your roommates and best friends.

An even bigger shock when the next morning he was shirtless in your kitchen, cooking breakfast suited for five and acting like the scratch marks across his back weren’t an obvious tell to what you had been doing the night before, just a few feet from where they’d been sleeping. (Or not sleeping considering your lack of volume control.)

Somehow Jay had understood your friend groups dynamic without needing it explained, automatically fitting in and proving himself an asset both to the boys who happily devoured every home cooked meal they’d been missing out on, and to you.

If you need a distraction, an outlet for you to forget temporarily everything weighing heavy on your mind at night, you could call Jake over to your room or barge into his no problem. He wouldn’t ask questions, he wouldn’t give advice, he’d understand your silent need and pin your down and help you pretend for a few hours that things weren’t as bad as they were.

But that was where he was comfortable and you never experienced tenderness with him during those moments, not that you were complaining while it was happening.

Jay was similar to Jake in personality, although a lot less angry, but opposite to him in the way that he treated you during your time together.

So you established rule two in a whisper against his chest as he slept soundly, hand moving in slow soothing circles on your arm. You were absolutely not allowed to catch feelings.

You were reminding yourself of this now as you moved against Heeseung’s mouth, stomach pressed into the bathroom counter and the feeling of his knees on your sides. You pulled back from him and smiled at the way his soft pink hair was covering his eyebrows again, pushing it back so you could get a look at the area he wanted you to pierce.

“If she hits something important and you can’t move that side of your face you owe me 20 bucks.” Sunghoon was remarking from the doorway, still unphased by the kiss or the fact Heeseung’s lips were red and glossy now.

“Facial paralysis and short on cash? What kinda bet is this?” Heeseung was smiling over in his direction and you pressed his skin together softly, squinting your eyes to try to find the best angle to send the needle through.

You could hear the front door opening and closing, sound carrying easily in the small apartment. You weren’t sure which of the other two boys it was, despite the fact it was originally just you, Jake and Sunghoon living here the other two had gradually stopped going home over time.

Jay still had his own dorm, less than twenty minutes from your apartment since you lived right off campus but for christmas you’d gifted him his own key on a lanyard with your faces on it. As for Heeseung, you weren’t exactly sure when he had started living here but he was a permanent fixture now, bouncing between the three bedrooms and the couch.

“Are you guys ever going to be doing anything normal when I get home?” You could hear Jake’s tired voice getting closer, sounding half amused and half annoyed.

You imagined the latter emotion was due to the fact you were hogging the only bathroom, slapping Heeseung’s bare chest when he turned his head to look at the approaching Jake and messed up your measurements.

Heeseung smiled apologetically in your direction, leaning back down to kiss you again. You kissed him back for just a second before pushing his chest so he would sit still, eyes catching Jake’s in the mirror now that he was standing in the doorway with Sunghoon.

They were hardened as he looked at you and your expression fell slightly, not knowing if he was just in a bad mood in general or if you had done something directly to piss him off. As much as you cared for the boy, he was completely unpredictable in his mood swings and sometimes it was best to just leave him alone until he found an outlet for his anger. Sometimes said outlet leading him straight back to you.

As much as they both were judging you and Heeseung as you situated yourself again, they both watched with interest and let out sharp hissing when your shoved the needle through his skin. It came through the other side and you were relieved to see he wasn’t bleeding nearly as much as Jake had.

“I didn’t even feel it.” He was remarking with a small frown, like he was looking forward to the pain.

“It’s going to bruise.” You were explaining to him, having gone through the process yourself already twice. “You’ll have a black eye for a few days.”

“That’s kind of sexy though isn’t it?” He was smiling down at you, the needle still in his eyebrow and he groaned in pain when he tried to quirk it seductively in your direction. You laughed softly stop him and heard Sunghoon chuckle dryly from behind you.

“If she found black eyes sexy she’d just need to sleep with Jake more.” Sunghoon was saying, catching on to what Heeseung was implying with his comment.

“If she slept with me she’d never be able to fuck Jake again, black eye or not.” Heeseung joked back and you looked at Jake in the mirror again, jaw twitching slightly at the comments regarding him. You knew the boys were just having fun and typically he would know that too. You figured he must be in an extra bad mood.

You shushed Heeseung with a small shove to his chest, cupping his face to hold him still while you interchanged the needle for a small piece of jewelry with two balls on either side. He leaned into your touch and quieted down, stopping his jokes so he didn’t accidentally mess you up.

“Does it look good?” He was whispering once you’d put it through, trying to stay as still as possible.

It did look good, better than you’d originally thought it would and surprisingly nature on his kind face. You were reminded of the kind boy with fluffy black hair and big round glasses you’d met at the start of college and your heart softened slightly. As different as he looked aesthetic wise, he was still peering down at you with doe like eyes waiting to hear words of approval.

“You look hot.”

——

Sometimes you missed being a freshly turned nineteen year old, away from home for the first time and just getting by on gas station meals. You missed the free feeling that came with curing a hangover with more drinks and finally getting home from the night before after the sun has already risen.

You still carried some bad habits now that you were slightly older, in your last year of college and only now legally allowed to engage in all the things you’ve been doing since middle school but other things were overwhelmingly different.

“Literally what the fuck is the difference between a red and green pepper.” The reason for your thought process was speaking now and you looked over to see Sunghoon angrily glaring down at a piece of paper.

You wanted to laugh at the fact that he was having a rare show of extreme emotion at something as simple as a grocery list, but you held back. You walked closer to him and leaned against his arm, looking at the list Jay had sent with the two of you after he had gone through all your cupboards, becoming more and more appalled at every empty one.

“Aren’t you meant to be the smart one?” You muttered to him and he stuffed the list into his pocket, looking down at you from where you were still leaning against him.

“Maybe I’d know how to cook better if I hadn’t had such awful influences growing up.” He looked annoyed, face flat as he watched you but you knew him well enough to understand he was teasing you.

You took a step away from him with a sigh, scanning the aisle and shifting the basket that you were holding in your hands.

“Influence, singular.” You reminded him, excluding yourself from his comment. “Don’t complain too loud, I feel like Jay can hear you from the house.”

He looked amused at that and you started to walk down the aisle again, bumping into each others sides. As different and foreign as it felt, you were having fun with him. It was strangely domestic to be grocery shopping on a random week day. If you were lacking the dyed hair, piercings and specific clothing style, you imagined you’d look like a regular college couple with normal responsibilities and living situations.

“I’m sure he can. Everybody is so uptight there these days.” His voice was still light and flat as he voiced his concern and you frowned slightly, agreeing with him. “Is the sex not good?”

You shoved him once you processed what he was implying and he groaned, nearly knocking over a display of cans as he tripped over his foot. He steadied himself and gave a half smile down in your direction at your angry expression.

“I’ll have you know sex with me is amazing.” You were suddenly aware of your loud volume when an older woman passing by the aisle you were stood in gave you a disgusted stare, speed walking past you when you offered her a small apologetic shrug.

Sunghoon didn’t respond as he grabbed something off the shelf, tossing it into your half full basket and turning on his heel to head back to the front of the store where the registers were, now that your list was fulfilled. You followed him to the self checkout where he took it from you and started to scan the items slowly.

“I wouldn’t know.” He was saying after you’d gathered up the plastic bags and started to walk outside towards the bus stop. You were glancing over at him and cocking your head in confusion. He looked down at you and shrugged. “How sex is with you.”

You were beyond used to his bluntness and the fact it sometimes created uncomfortable situations, other times hurting your feelings even though at the end of the day you were always thankful you found out things from him first and directly. So you were only half thrown off at his comment.

And he was telling the truth.

You always wondered what he felt about the fact the two of you strictly didn’t sleep with each other or ever even do anything non platonic. You knew he would tell you if you asked but for some reason you never did and you never wanted to talk about it, this being the first time he’s brought it up on his own.

Truthfully you weren’t sure why you hadn’t. Sunghoon was probably the most stunning person you’d ever seen in your entire life, so pretty that you were genuinely taken back sometimes when you saw him doing casual acts around the house.

Not to mention how much hotter he was considering his usual attitude and demeanor. He was already strong in the literal sense but he felt sturdy and solid in his calm direct approach to things and you liked the way his dark eyebrows always stayed unmoving on his inexpressive face.

You think maybe it was a weird complex thing. The thought of sleeping with not only some, but all of your closest friends on a regular basis made you have a strange sense of insecurity. You knew they liked you and cared about you and if you decided one day to never touch one of them again that way, they’d accept it immediately and not treat you any different. You were their friend first before anything and you felt reassured in that despite your occasional habit to overthink.

“Do you ever wonder why?” You decided to ask him the thing you were curious about directly, knowing he wouldn’t judge you.

He took a second to respond since you were approaching the bus stop. He grabbed the bags you were holding and added them to his pile, setting them down on the bench as you stood together and waited for it to arrive. Eventually he was turning to peer down at you with a small look of amusement.

“Saving the best for last I guess.”

——

The third rule was one that needed no discussion, undeniably the one that needed to be honored above all else.

Sometimes you forgot about it, especially it’s importance. When you were at home and it was just you and the boys, you felt comfortable and hidden away in your little bubble of a world. Things were unconventional, maybe a little dingy and immoral at times but there was never any judgement and never any type of conflict you couldn’t work out with all of you together.

So when you left this space you were struck with the reminder that things were not like that in the real world. There was consequences to your actions and considering you were still in college and surrounded by your peers and gossip most the time, most your consequences were social.

You were currently sat on a couch at a party, a common occurrence still despite you not being at the age where you wanted to be black out drunk every saturday. You still liked to have fun, or at least watch the boys have fun while you sat and smoked.

It made you feel good to watch them feel good. You liked the way Jay danced with strangers, a bright smile on his face and you liked watching Heeseung chat animatedly with people standing near the kitchen, almost forgetting how shy he used to be. Sunghoon was typically with you or off somewhere doing… whatever it was he did.

You normally didn’t see Jake until the end of the nights, having to drag him away from an argument or a full out fight at least once a week if his attitude called for it. You were always amazed at his ability to have a problem with absolutely anybody.

So you were slightly surprised at the fact he was sat next to you on the couch right now, a hand on your thigh and his side pressed against yours tightly. He was passing the joint back to you and letting his fingers linger against yours when you went to grab it from him. You could feel him breathing against the side of your face and you almost wanted to laugh at how fucked up he was this soon into the night.

Sunghoon was on your right, similarly pressed against you but he seemingly wasn’t paying any attention to you. He was scrolling on his phone and occasionally watching the people drunkenly dancing on the floor infront of you.

“What was with your mood the other day?” You were speaking out a cloud of smoke, face curling into a grimace as you coughed and nudged Sunghoon to take it without looking, keeping your eyes on Jake. You blamed said smoke for being the reason you asked, normally you’d avoid it knowing it could go one or two ways with him.

“You worried?” He lazily smiled over at you and you felt his hand squeezing your thigh as he spoke. Thankful he hadn’t gotten defensive at your question, you leaned into his space slightly and shrugged.

His eyes were darting sideways suddenly and you followed his gaze, seeing a girl across the room watching the two of you. Her eyes were low and hazy as she took a sip of her cup and you glanced back at him in confusion. He kept his stare on her, either not noticing you were seeing him or not caring. His eyebrow was cocking in her direction and he squeezed your leg again.

You frowned slightly and leaned away from him, feeling your back bump against Sunghoon’s side and ignoring the noise he made.

From your knowledge, Jake didn’t sleep around a lot. He never brought girls back home with him and you or one of the other boys were there almost every time he went out, he stated once he simply couldn’t be bothered to do small talk every single time he wanted to fuck something. Even if the thought of him fucking somebody else when you were sat next to him bugged you a little, you had no right to say anything. However the fact he was only touching you as some form of flirting method with some random girl made your stomach flip in disgust.

You smacked his hand off your bare thigh, Sunghoon’s head turning at the sound, and scoffed at him. Now he finally turned his attention back to you, eyes sparking with slight anger and a challenge.

It was clear to you now that he hadn’t gotten over whatever was bothering him before and you frowned at the harshness in his eyes.

You scooted away from him slightly, now fully pressed up against Sunghoon to the point you were nearly halfway into his lap. Jake shook his head at your reaction, letting out a mean humorless laugh and standing from the couch, disappearing into the crowd of people.

“The fuck is his problem.” Sunghoon’s sudden voice caused you to jump slightly and you felt his arm move so it was resting on the couch behind your head, helping him get comfortable now that you were a lot closer.

“Your guess is as good as mine.” You frowned and shifted in your spot slightly, not understanding what he was possibly so upset about. You didn’t recall anything happening but then again, Jake didn’t always seem to need a reason to lash out. “He makes no sense to me sometimes.”

“I think Hee pissed him off.” Sunghoon was telling you and you were slightly surprised at the fact he had also caught sight of Jake’s reaction to Heeseung’s comments in the bathroom.

You looked over at him to find him already watching you, heads so close your nose brushed against his.

“Why would he care about that?” You were still frowning as you spoke and his eyes were looking down at your lips before meeting yours again. You’d never been this close to Sunghoon before and you were starting to think about the conversation you’d had at the grocery store.

“Maybe he’s worried Heeseung was right.” He said it like it was obvious but that confused you further.

“That still doesn’t make any sense. He knows I fuck Jay and he’s never cared about that.” You were reasoning your side of things but Sunghoon seemed pretty certain in what he was saying.

“Jay doesn’t fuck you like Jake does.” His voice was nearing a whisper as he spoke and you tensed for a second at his words. He was right of course, he always seemed to be, but you weren’t quite sure how he knew that in the first place.

He was staring at you intensely, somehow more intense than he usually looked, and you had a feeling he also knew that you were thinking over the things he had said to you at the bus stop. His hand that wasn’t around your shoulders was coming over and resting at your knee, pulling your legs forward so they were over his and you were halfway in his lap. You took the hint, lifting your butt up off the couch and moving forward so you were fully sitting on him.

He hummed softly in approval, looking up slightly now that you were sitting on him and above him. It didn’t feel weird or too new being this close to him. Living in the same small place and growing up together didn’t leave much room for privacy, you’d seen each other in different states of undress and slept together in beds on dozens of occasions.

Yet it was different all the same. His eyes were more narrow and hazy, a clear want in his expression and he was watching you with interest as your eyes studied his features from this angle.

“You think he’s worried Heeseung will make me feel better?” You continued on your conversation in a low challenging voice, trying not to flush when he was putting one hand in your hair and the other around your waist to keep you steady in his lap.

“Maybe.” He was mumbling, distracted now. “Or maybe somebody else.”

The implication in his words were obvious and a heavy tension settled over the two of you as he spoke his mind. His multiple shows of confidence made your skin feel hot and you had completely forgotten about the girl and Jake’s random attitude.

“I want you to show me.” You spoke bluntly, knowing he liked it best when you did that. He didn’t respond, quirking an eyebrow at you like he was expecting something. “Please.”

He let out another hum as you quickly pieced together what he was expecting and delivered it, your voice soft raising an octave and you leaned against him. You wanted to kiss him or have him touch you, not minding who saw.

“Rule number three.” He was basically whispering against your lips as he spoke and you frowned at his words, mind spinning and hazy from both the weed and the heavy tension between the two of you.

So it took you a second to understand what he was trying to say before you gathered your thoughts and immediately deflated in disappointment, knowing exactly what he was implying.

Rule number three clearly stated that the most important thing in your friend group was that nobody, and absolutely nobody, was allowed to find out about the things you did. It had actually been Heeseung who suggested this become an official rule, not just a silent acceptance. He wanted a firm promise that the entire campus wouldn’t figure out you were essentially all spit buddies.

You imagine you were already slightly teetering this line with the way you were perched on Sunghoon’s lap, especially with how rare it was he was seen interacting with somebody so openly and how obsessive his fan club could be. But you were sure it could be brushed off as the drunken need to have contact with somebody.

“Are you rejecting me?” You made sure to quirk your mouth into a small smirk so he would understand you were just messing around with him, waiting for him to take the bait.

“I’m actually trying to take you home.” He confirmed what you were thinking but for some reason hearing him actually say it made your cheeks flush.

You looked down at him for a few seconds, not saying anything just yet. Your eyes were going around his handsome features as you felt your resolve completely sway and shatter.

The two of you didn’t speak for a long time after that, not when you stood from his lap and took his hand in yours and not when you started to make your way out of the party. You briefly met Heeseung’s eyes as you pushed through the crowd with him behind you and he continued to watch you with a clouded expression until you were out the front door and into the cold outside air.

You didn’t speak when he whistled for a taxi, feeling less than sober as you leaned into his side in the backseat and pressed a kiss to his neck as he muttered your address to the driver.

He didn’t touch you the whole ride other than a hand on your hip and you were growing impatient and desperate, moving your mouth and teeth against his warm skin while he occasionally squeezed your side. If you cared a bit more you would have felt guilty for the driver regarding the loud noises filling up the otherwise silent car.

But your head was spinning with desire and you almost didn’t even realize the car was stopping and you had gotten out until Sunghoon was pushing open the door to the apartment.

The second you were inside your back was hitting the wall. He wasted no time and immediately was pressed against you, kissing you feverishly. You moaned against his mouth, hands going to his dark hair and making sure he couldn’t pull away from you.

You were drunk off excitement and lust, clumsily walking forward until his legs hit the couch and he was falling onto his back, taking you with him.

He laughed into this kiss and you smiled at him, pulling away for a second. You were suddenly hit with the fact that you were making out with Park Sunghoon, your childhood bestfriend who you’d gone over a decade without touching once. He seemed to be having a similar thought process, eyes darting around your face and back to your mouth.

You kissed him again and he groaned, hands clumsily sliding down your back before grabbing the back of your thighs and pulling you up slightly so you were more on his lap and not sprawled on top of him.

Your hips were moving instinctively at the new position, rubbing against him and drinking in the way he cursed into your open mouth. His hands were moving to the top of your thighs, kneading them as a form of relief and your breath hitched when his thumb accidentally dipped forward and pressed too close to your underwear.

He froze at the noise and pulled out of the kiss to look at you. His eyes went down to your puffy lips and then back to your low hazy gaze that was watching him as you panted. He pressed his thumb down again, purposely this time as he held your stare.

He smirked slightly at the way you immediately rocked forward, mouth parting in a soft whine as he kept his hands just a few inches away from where you needed them.

“Ask me.” He was leaning forward to speak, pressing his mouth against yours and you felt his tongue snake between your open lips. You unfroze at the feeling, closing your mouth around him and sucking his tongue softly while he waited for you to respond.

“Touch me.” You eventually breathed when you couldn’t take it anymore, your voice whiny and bordering on a beg.

“So now you want me to touch you?” He was humming mockingly, eyes darkening softly at your request. As attracted to him as you had always been, you never took too long to think about what Sunghoon would be like in bed. You should’ve guessed he wasn’t going to be easy on you, a mean tone to his voice.

“Please.” You were too desperate to show any dignity, grinding down into his lap again and kissing messily against his jaw. “Please I want you to touch me so bad Hoon.”

“So needy for a whore.” He was whispering the words but you caught it loud and clear, breath catching at the word. He noticed your reaction and you heard a smirk in his voice when he started to speak again. “Three cocks isn’t enough for you, right baby?”

You were nodding your head, sitting up slightly to look him in the eyes and make sure he knew you were agreeing with him. He smiled fully at this and kissed you softly, caressing your cheek and nodding along with you mockingly.

“I want you to speak.” He was repeating with a soft voice, directly contradicting the hard expression on his face.

“It’s not enough.” You were rushing out and you felt slightly embarrassed at how slurred your words were, not thinking clearly. “It’s not enough, I need you.”

He seemed momentarily pleased by your words but he didn’t say anything, still not moving his hand and just watching you. Your gaze fell down to it’s placement and you felt another wave of need pass through you at the sight of his large hand and long fingers resting just close enough to the end of your skirt to fuel your imagination. You put your hand ontop of his and looked at him, feeling satisfied when he didn’t tell you to stop.

You slowly moved his hand with yours, pushing your skirt up onto your waist so he could have a clear view of your panty clad lower half sitting in his lap. His breath hitched slightly and you suddenly were curious how often he had done this, if ever. You seemed to just now realize he’d never spoken about being with anybody and knowing him, that would be something he’d casually mention like it was no big deal.

You were distracted from this train of thought when he was suddenly kissing you again, your hand leaving his inside your skirt and coming up to hold his face so you could deepen the kiss immediately.

Before you could process the movement of his hand, you felt his fingers pressing against your underwear. His hand was practically cupping your entire core and you bucked into it instinctively.

“You’re so cute like this.” He was smiling into the kiss and curling his fingers so they were pressing against you harder, you were embarrassed at the way you pathetically held onto his broad shoulders and practically sobbed at the feeling.

“I’m always cute asshole.” You were pushing out, voice breaking. He laughed softly and kissed your cheek, a weird show of affection that almost caused you to pause your movements and question him about it.

He seemed to notice your change in demeanor and for the first time in a long time, you saw him look visibly thrown off and embarrassed. You quickly forgot about it when he was grabbing your hips and turning your bodies so he was on top of you now.

You didn’t think about it for the rest of the night.

——

“What’s going on with you and Hoon.” Heeseung’s tired voice was mumbling above you in your bed and you frowned against his chest although he couldn’t see it.

“What do you mean?” You were laid against him, leg thrown over his waist and hugging his chest. Your room was warm and silent, perfect for a nap before he started to speak.

“He brought you home the other night.” He was explaining in a weird tone. You could hear his slow heart beat and you picked your head up off his chest so you could look at his expression, eyes locking on his bruised eye for a second. “Never seen you guys do that before I guess.”

He was holding your gaze with soft eyes and you felt a bit worried at the hurt in his features.

“Yeah.” You didn’t explain any further, knowing the simple answer would tell him what he wanted to know and what he was asking without asking. You didn’t have sex with Sunghoon but you did go home with him. “Why?”

“What’d you guys do?” He asked, his hand coming up to push your hair behind your ear and rub against the smooth skin of your cheek.

You didn’t say anything for a few seconds, trying to think about how much you wanted to tell him about that night. You shifted in your place on him, basically laying on top of him with his hip between your legs.

“He fingered me.” You answered him bluntly and his eyebrows shot up, a small amused smile appearing on his face at the information. “And we just kissed alot.”

“Oh, you kissed a lot?” His voice was teasing and you were overwhelmingly glad that his weird expression from earlier was gone. He sat up slightly so he could lean closer to your face, pressing a small kiss against your lips and sitting back again. “Was he a good kisser?”

You groaned at his nosy line of questioning, laying your head down on his chest so he couldn’t look at your flushing face. You could feel him laughing with the vibrations against your forehead.

“He better be considering he watches us all the time.” He was continuing on and you picked your head up quickly, eyebrows furrowed in an accusatory stare.

“You like it when he watches us.” You pointed out and he shrugged with a small smile. You were the telling the truth, something he admitted to you during a particularly tension filled make out session you had at a party a year or two ago.

Sunghoon had been a few feet away from the dance floor, leaning against the wall and keeping an eye out like he always seemed to be doing. You were too caught up in kissing Heeseung to notice, his hands on your hips pulling you into him as you half danced half grinded into his leg.

“Our guard dog is watching us.” He was whispering into your mouth and you opened your eyes to look at him in confusion, finding his eyes over your shoulder. They were low and hazy, arousal apparent at the observation.

“Tell him to cut it out.” You were half whining, upset his attention wasn’t fully on you and too out of it to process his reasoning for saying it wasn’t because he was feeling uncomfortable. Quite the opposite you’d quickly realize.

Heeseung hadn’t responded verbally, instead keeping his eyes over your shoulder open as he grabbed your chin and pulled you in for a wet sloppy kiss, moving his mouth against yours deeper and deeper in a lewd display.

Thinking back on it now you shifted ontop of Heeseung, arousal flaring up at the thought of him keeping strong eye contact with Sunghoon that night. You wish more than anything you had been in sound enough mind to look back and see what his expression was, if it changed at all.

“So he was good then.” He hummed softly and cupped your face. His expression was a bit guarded again and you frowned causing him to mirror your frown in confusion.

“Why are you so curious?” You asked him softly but your heart felt tight and heavy, fearing you already knew what his response would be.

“Why not?” He shrugged again but it looked more awkward this time, like he was trying to fake casual. “You already know that I’m i-.”

“Don’t.” You cut him off quickly, freezing on top of him and you suddenly felt the urge to get off the bed. You didn’t because you didn’t want to hurt his feelings but you felt a sick wave wash over you when his eyes deflated looking into yours. “Don’t say it.”

You weren’t stupid and you knew Heeseung had feelings for you. It was obvious from the first year you’d spent together, back when he was still nervous and didn’t talk as much. He’d follow you around like a lost dog and listen to you speak with big wide eyes like every word was important to him. You ignored it at first because you figured it was just because you were the first girl he’d really spent time with, it would just go away with time.

You admit you still feel guilt sometimes now regarding the way your relationship progressed. Kissing him and letting him hold you while you slept together probably did nothing but sink him in deeper and confuse his feelings now that they mixed with arousal and want.

But you did love Heeseung. You loved all the boys and you wanted them to be happy and feel cared for no matter what. And selfishly, you liked how much he liked you.

He still, after years of having time to get sick of you, looked at you like you personally hung the stars. He made no move to hide the way he felt about you but you’ve warned him before not to say it. You reminded him of the rules and what it would mean if you heard the words yourself, how you wouldn’t be able to do this with him anymore.

He didn’t respond to your interruption and you laid your head back on his chest hesitantly, feeling relieved when he wrapped his arms around you and squeezed you in a hug.

You still felt sick with guilt. You hoped he knew that you loved him too, even if you’d never say it yourself or allow him to. But things were far more complicated than being two friends inlove with each other and you weren’t willingly to pop your bubble just yet.

——

You were sat on the kitchen counter, watching Jay attempt to coach a simple meal prep, when Jake slammed the front door shut.

All four of your heads turned in his direction, Heeseung slowly halting mid vegetable cut in confusion. Jake looked over at the feeling of being stared at and glared in your directions, taking in the sight of everybody packed into the small kitchen.

“Hi.” You hesitantly greeted him. You weren’t sure if he was angry again or if this was his current resting face. “Do you want to come help? Jay’s trying to show us how to…”

Your words slowly trailed off as you watched him start to walk away, down the hall towards him room. He completely ignored you and you felt your heart sink.

Jake had mood swings, he was rude to strangers and he didn’t talk about his emotions or personal thoughts as much as you wished he did but he had never been this angry at you for this long and you still had no idea what was causing it. You always felt special at the fact he seemed to have a soft spot for you, outside of sex he was always gentle and showed you he cared about you in little indirect ways.

You felt a hand on your knee, rubbing it softly in an attempt at reassurance and you looked to see Jay’s worried expression watching you carefully. You imagined the other two had similar looks on their faces but you didn’t check to verify this, sighing softly and giving him an attempt at a smile to signal you were okay.

“You should go talk to him.” Sunghoon’s low voice was muttering and you looked at him now, meeting his expressionless face.

“She’s tried already.” Heeseung sounded annoyed and was shaking his head, eyebrows furrowing. You wanted to smooth out the crease in his forehead and remind him to be careful because his piercing but you stayed still. “He’s just in one of his moods.”

“No it’s different.” Sunghoon was responding, still watching you and you suddenly remembered what he had said about Jake at the party. You wondered if he knew more than what he was telling you or if he was just making his usual observations.

“If I go in there he’s either going to ignore me or tell me to fuck off.” You shook your head in denial, slightly anxious at the thought of confronting an angry Jake. You knew he’d never hurt you, or any of your friends, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have a habit of saying harsh words for the sake of shutting people up. Even if he didn’t necessarily mean them.

“Then you can come back out here and watch a movie with us.” Jay shrugged like it was an obvious solution and you smiled at him because it honestly was.

As much as you wished Jake would calm down and join the four of you, you knew that regardless you could lean back on your friends and find comfort in them.

“If I’m not back in half an hour, save yourselves.” You were joking with them as you left the kitchen towards the bedrooms. You smile immediately dropped when you rounded the corner, feeling nervous for how many ways this conversation could go wrong. You reminded yourself again that this was Jake, the person you loved and trusted most in the world.

You kept repeating this to yourself as you knocked on his door, soft taps as you shifted from side to side and waited for him to open it and invite you. The door was swinging open and he was glaring down at you, one headphone dangling out of his ear.

“Why are you knocking?” He mumbled and turned to sit back on his bed. You felt stupid after his comment, considering he was right and you’d never had to knock on his door before.

“Didn’t know if you wanted to be bothered.” You shrugged and sat on the end of the bed near his feet, anxiously picking at a loose thread on your sleeve. He was watching you with a guarded expression.

“Well are you planning on bothering me?” His tone caused you to frown and look down at your lap.

“What did I do?” You felt slightly childish for your disheartened tone but you truly didn’t understand why he was treating you so bad. You glanced at him when he didn’t immediately respond and his face softened at your sad expression.

He sighed softly, taking his other headphone out and leaning back against the headboard. You watched him from the side of your eye as he patted the spot next to him and waited for you to climb fully onto the bed.

You hesitatingly did what he said. You didn’t want to acknowledge the fact it was rare you spent time in Jake’s bed with your clothes on. He wasn’t like the others in terms of cuddling or taking naps together and you slightly appreciated the show of vulnerability.

“You didn’t do anything.” He was saying once you were situated. You weren’t sitting that close but your shoulders were pressed together. His legs were laid out flat down the length of the bed and you were sat hugging your knees as they were pulled tight to your chest for comfort.

“So why are you being so mean.” You voice broke slightly and he swayed a bit into you, bringing your attention to him.

He was holding his hand out, palm up, on his lap and you looked at it for a few seconds in frozen shock. Jake was blankly offering you affection and comfort and you were starting to get worried something was really wrong for him to be acting so out of character. Still, you took his hand in yours and waited to see what he was going to say.

“I think I’m losing my mind.” He was laughing as he was saying it but it was dry and humorless, a sad heavy tone to his words.

You didn’t say anything and gave him a second to explain, squeezing his hand and trying not to think about how strange it was that he started to rub yours with his thumb in smooth circles.

“I think you’re making me lose my mind honestly.” He was turning his head to look at you for a second and your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I’ve noticed it for a while but I think Heeseung being a dickhead really made it a sure thing.”

You felt like you were holding his breath as he spoke, still not sure where exactly this line of conversation was heading towards. You felt a tightness in your chest at the thought he might suggest you stop sleeping together, or even worse, you stop being friends.

Maybe hearing Heeseung directly mock him in a way, woke him up to the fact they were both involved with you.

“Then he told me you left that party with Sunghoon and I didn’t think I could ignore it anymore.” With every word he spoke you were becoming more and more certain your current arrangement wasn’t working out and he was about to completely remove himself from it.

“What can I do to fix this?” You were squeezing his hand as you spoke. You respected his comfortably but the thought of Jake not wanting to be with you anymore and thus pulling himself even further from your tight knit group made your stomach lurch.

He let out a soft laugh at your statement, shaking his head and leaning into you again so you swayed slightly to the side.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He was explaining his reasoning for the laugh and still shaking his head. “I know the rules and I fucked up, it’s my fault.”

This confused you even further. What rule was he implying he broke? He could be saying he’s longing for exclusivity but he hasn’t broken that yet even if he is finding himself insecure or jealous and you highly doubt he’d told anybody about your arrangement considering he barely talked about it amongst the five of you.

“What are you talking about?” You urged and he slowly looked over at you again, an expectant and nervous expression on his face like he was waiting for you to piece it together any second now.

When you finally did you felt the breath get knocked out of you, your hand going limp in his and your mouth parting in a shocked exhale. He grimaced at your reaction but he didn’t move or pull away, letting you process the fact that he was seemingly saying he had developed feelings for you.

“I know you’re inlove with Heeseung… or maybe Jay I’m not sure but I just needed to tell you.” His voice was strangely vulnerable and for the first time in your life you were saying him look upset and out of control, his mouth moving faster than his thoughts as he rambled on. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick that probably didn’t help my case at all, I was just freaking out.”

You didn’t say anything for a while and tried to decide how honest you wanted to be in this situation.

He was right and you weren’t denying it anymore, feeling more and more suffocated everytime you felt your heart warm or your stomach tighten with happiness around one of the boys. He was right about who you were in love with and he was also wrong that you weren’t in love with him.

If anything, you had loved Jake first and most passionately. You’d been glued to him since the second you saw him on your front porch and you’ve stuck by him despite his bad habits and people constantly warning you that no good could come from a boy like that. Because good did come from Jake for you and you’d always been sure of that even when things were messy.

When you first moved in together and you had barely enough money for rent, Jake was working multiple odd jobs late into the night to make sure you all had meals on the table and you didn’t have to worry about missing too many classes to try to individually support yourselves. You were a family and you shared resources because you wanted to see everybody thrive together, not just one person or one pair.

Jake was the type of person who befriended Heeseung without a second thought because he looked lonely and nervous and he was the type of person who you still felt you needed to see at the end of a hard day even after all these years passed.

So you think a large part of you always knew you were in love with Jake, maybe that was the reason you’d established the second rule in the first place. You never thought he’d date you or even really see you as somebody he could do that with, normally teasing each other or sitting in comfortable silence outside of when you were having sex.

You let yourself bury it down deep, to never be unearthed, and you watched him continue to be the funny and out of the box boy he’s always been.

He didn’t need to know you loved him, you didn’t need to make things weird or ruin such a good thing while it had managed to survive everything else thrown your way. So to go through all that and now hear him say the things you’d been biting your tongue on for over a decade, you felt a bit breathless.

Your first instinct was to tell him he was wrong and that you did love him, more than he could ever know. But he wasn’t wrong and you felt bad lying to him.

But you also weren’t sure you could bring yourself to tell him that you loved the others too. You were barely processing it yourself, you knew of people who had multiple crushes or even multiple partners but somehow throughout this whole arrangement, you never considered being able to be with all of them at the same time.

On the other hand, you also never considered having to choose one of them.

Heeseung was the light you needed in your life. Things didn’t feel hard around him and you could just have fun and bounce off his intoxicating puppy like energy. And you knew he truly loved you, certain of it for the first time in your life.

He never rushed you to be with him or implied he was upset that you always stopped your hookups before things got to that point. He was patient and warm.

Jay was similar to him in that aspect but he had an added sense of being grounded that Heeseung lacked. He’d always make sure you ate on days you couldn’t find the space to remember and he took care of the other boys just as eagerly despite not knowing them for as long as you had all known each other.

Realistically Jay probably had figured out you loved Jake, being kind enough to never bring it up and only giving you vague advice when you inevitably found yourself teary eyed in his bed looking for comfort. It wasn’t a rebound thing, or seeking what Jake didn’t give you in him, you just genuinely felt most comfortable and safe when you were around him.

Sunghoon had been the most recent development for you.

He was always an anchor in your life, both as unruly kids and misbehaving teenagers. You knew nobody would ever be as important to you as him but you hadn’t fully considered the idea of being with him in the extra way that dating required.

Yet you hadn’t stopped thinking about what it felt like to kiss him and more importantly your mind had been replaying the gentle way he kissed your cheek. You’d never seen him with that look in his eye before and you wondered how long he’d been looking at you like that without you noticing.

“I am in love with Heeseung.” You finally responded to Jake now, turning on your knees so you could fully face him as you said the heavy weighted words. His face dropped at your sudden statement before he was slowly nodding in acceptance. “But I’m in love with you too.”

He didn’t say anything when you said this, face unchanging like he was waiting for you to deliver the punchline of a joke.

When he realized you were insanely serious, your eyes teary as you anxiously chewed on your lip and rocked slowly back and forth on your knees, a self soothing action you didn’t even realize you were doing, his face changed.

“Oh.” His one worded response made you feel sick and your watched him with desperate eyes as you waited for him to continue. “Somehow I didn’t see that coming.”

You groaned softly at his attempt at a joke, leaning forward so your head was hitting his knee and you were able to grab his hand that he had left loose in his lap since you abandoned it.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice broke in a cry and you looked down at your conjoined hands, not be able to see his confused expression for another second. “Do you hate me?”

“Hate you for what? Why are you sorry?” His voice was smooth and calm, taking you by surprise as he cupped your cheek with his free hand and lifted your head so you were looking at him again.

“Sorry for falling inlove with people you’ve spent your whole life with? What’s wrong with that?” He was reassuring you and you imagined you looked extremely confused and thrown off because he smiled softly.

You shook your head through your tears, face scrunched up as you tried to make sense of what he was saying to you.

“You don’t care that I’m inlove with somebody else, with all of you?” He didn’t look at all surprised as you spoke, bringing up the fact it was more than just him and Heeseung.

“I mean it’s definitely a surprise but it makes sense when I think about it.” He was shrugging and weirdly casual, almost like he was just relieved to have his feelings reciprocated. You never treated him any different even when you started sleeping with Jay or forming your strange relationship with Heeseung. He was starting to think you had way more than enough love for all of them.

It was silent for a few seconds as you both looked at eachother, observing the multiple pieces of new information you’ve just brought to light.

“Do they know?” He was asking after a bit, voice so soft it was almost a whisper.

“I’ve never said it until now.” You suddenly flushed at the reminder you had just casually done the one thing you swore you never would. He gave you a smile that looked prideful, like he was prepared to brag he heard it first. “I think if any of them know it’s Hee.”

“Because he’s obsessed with you.” He said it matter of factly, always teasing your friend for his obvious feelings towards you.

You half laughed at his joke, not fully being able to relax at the thoughts of how many different ways this could go wrong. Jake was okay with it but who knew how the others would react and even if they accepted it for now, you knew a relationship like this wouldn’t be easy or conventional.

You had no idea what you were going to do and you were starting to feel yourself cry again, squeezing Jake’s hand absentmindedly. He was scooting forward on the bed so he could wrap his arms around you slightly, rubbing your back.

“Maybe I should bring them in here and we can have a talk. Does that sound okay?” He was whispering and you were nodding your head before he even finished talking, knowing that was the best idea.

He pressed a loving kiss to the side of your head before getting up and disappearing out of the room.

You felt worse at his absence, scooting back against the headboard now that you were alone and sniffling softly as you anxiously waited for him to return, this time with a lot more company. You were trying to think of what you were going to say but nothing was coming to you and you realized you were just going to have to wing it.

That idea was completely blown out of the ball park when you actually saw them, following swiftly behind Jake with varying levels of worry and distress on their faces. Minus Sunghoon who seemed calm, more so than usual, and almost expectant.

They silently sat around the bed and you felt your heart warm slightly seeing them all together like this, knowing it could potentially be the last time you did if things were to go as wrong as you were expecting. Jake was scooting back into his spot beside you, Jay following so he was on your other side. Heeseung climbed into the middle of the bed and hesitantly placed a comforting hand on your knee like he wasn’t sure it was appropriate.

Your gaze locked on Sunghoon’s as he sat on the end of the bed, slightly distanced from the rest of you.

“Do you want to say it or should I?” Jake was murmuring from beside you and you appreciated his nice gesture, willing to take the heat of voicing it out loud.

“She should say it.” Sunghoon was immediately disagreeing in a stern voice and all of your eyes went to him. You noticed a slightly hurt look in his eyes and you were beginning to think he didn’t know as much as you assumed he did. “If you guys are together now, she should be the one to tell us.”

He immediately proved you right in your assumption, clearly misreading the situation and coming to a false conclusion.

You felt a heavy guilt and sadness wash over you at the thought of how he must’ve been feeling this entire time, sitting and thinking you had chosen Jake after just sending him mixed signals by hooking up with him. You wished he wasn’t sitting so far away so you could reach out and touch him but now you understood why he was.

“We aren’t together.” You were shaking your head and Jake nudged your side gently with his elbow, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively with a smirk and trying to lighten the situation. “Okay well maybe we are apparently but it’s more than that.”

You looked over to see their reactions and if anybody had caught on to what was happening yet. Heeseung was looking down at his hands with furrowed eyebrows, betrayal and sadness radiating off of him but Jay on the other side of you almost looked happy for you, a soft calm smile on his face.

“I want to date Jake.” You started to explain, hands coming out in front of you in slight frustration for your lack of words. You decided to just say it outright. “But I want to date Heeseung too, and also Jay. Sunghoon you too.”

Similarly to how it was when you said this to Jake earlier, the room fell silent and you almost bodily cringed at the way the words seem to just hang in the air obnoxiously. You wanted to curl into a ball and not move until they all left the room.

You didn’t want to look at their expressions, not sure you could handle the confusion and possibly heartbreak on their faces at this news. You were still figuring that this was going to be the end of it all and knowing you were sitting here and tearing apart your family for the selfish sliver of hope they could accept your feelings was crushing you.

“I mean,” Jake was clearing his throat from next to you and you glanced at him expectantly. “Feel however you guys feel but, just for the record, I’m okay with it.”

“What?” Sunghoon’s voice sounded just as upset as it had before you clarified and you forced yourself to look at him. His body was turned towards you guys now like he wasn’t sure he was hearing you properly. “How could you be okay with that?”

“Personally I don’t think it’d be that different.” Jay sounded casual next to you and you turned your teary eyes towards him just in time to see his shoulders fall from a nonchalant shrug. “I’m basically already dating Y/N while she’s with you guys so what’s the major shift in adding an official label to it.”

“She may be with you guys but she’s not with me.” Sunghoon was scoffing and you looked at him again, slightly hurt at his angry words. He wasn’t one to lose his temper but you imagine the fact it’d only been a new development between the two of you was making it harder on him than the others, who had plenty experience being with you. Both alone and in pairs.

“But I want to be.” You were telling him as earnestly as you could, scooting forward slightly so he’d keep his attention on you. You wanted him to see how sincere you were, not wanting him to feel like a last choice. “I’m not saying it just so you’re included, I really mean it.”

“It’s always been you and Jake.” He was spitting, looking more frustrated at your closing distance. “After all these years suddenly you notice me?”

The other boys didn’t say anything, understanding this was something that dated back before their addition to the friend group. You didn’t speak immediately either, professing what he was trying to say.

Sunghoon was displaying insecurity you’d never seen from him before and you felt a wave of guilt at the fact you’d never even considered it to be something he’d feel. If he had any feelings for you other than sexual, he’d done a good job at hiding it but you felt shameful that he had apparently felt left out or like you’d picked Jake over him at some point.

“You’re crazy Hoon.” Heeseung was finally speaking and Sunghoon dropped your gaze to look at the boy. You couldn’t see his expression since he was looking over his shoulder to face your upset friend. “I knew she was inlove with you guys the day I met you all, atleast you had a shot.”

“Are you not listening to what she’s saying?” Jay suddenly sounded annoyed and you could feel him tensing next to you.

The room got quiet again as you all looked over at him. You were starting to feel like you were getting whiplash from the constant focus changes, mixed with the different statements and scenarios suddenly being confessed.

“You all had a shot, and guess what it landed dude.” It was weird hearing Jay sound so fed up but as he implied earlier, he clearly has been observing this long enough to know it without being told, having entered the group most recently and spent alot of intimate time with you. “She loves you all, us all.”

He was looking at you as he said the last two words, correcting himself with a small smile on his face. You tried to return the warmness in his eyes despite the tears still clouding your vision.

“You love me?” Heeseung was talking again, sounding breathless like he had just fully processed what was happening. His eyes were big and round and you felt your heart warm at the sight of him. You knew suddenly that no matter what happened now, you had made the right choice.

“Of course I love you.” You said it to him more directly and he looked overwhelmed for a second before smiling softly at you and nodding.

“For what it’s worth, I don’t necessarily need to be making out with you idiots but I do love you guys too.” Jake was shrugging from beside you and you heard Jay snort a laugh on your other side at his casual comments.

“This is actually what you want to do?” Sunghoon was finally talking again but he looked and sounded a lot less angry, still having a slightly guarded expression on his face.

You looked at each boy carefully, all laying together in different ways on Jake’s bed and your heart felt full and happy, most of all safe. They’d been your family for so long and you didn’t want to be anywhere else, with any of them missing or somebody different in their place.

“More than anything.”

812 notes · View notes

robinofinashiro · 11 months

Text

"And if you go, I wanna go with you and if you die, I wanna die with you"

characters/fandom: feitan portor / hunter x hunter

request status/note: closed / ugh feitan you piece of shit i missed you lol lonely day by system of a down is such a good song for feitan imo

pronouns: she-her

you sharpened your knives, not bothering to look at chrollo who was lecturing you as machi helped patch you up. this wasn't the first time you had gotten such a lecture from your leader about being so reckless during missions but it was in your nature. you always managed to save your comrade in time even if it came at a price and this time it was your physical well being that was at stake.

you noticed that feitan was about to get stabbed and possibly not make it out of the fight without dying and you figured that his importance to the troupe was bigger than yours. you weren't the spiders #2 and you weren't the biggest person physically so if your life was taken, it wouldn't have been such a blow to the troupe. or at least that's what you thought.

chrollo had been grilling you for at least an hour for your reckless actions and you figured that maybe you were a bit more important than you thought, to chrollo at least. you continued to roll your eyes like a teenager getting screamed at by their parent but you hadn't said anything back. all you did was sit there and flinch every time machi had poked you with a needle.

"okay, you've been screaming at me for at least sixty minutes," you huffed as machi bandaged your last scar, "what has you so upset? this isn't the first time i've done this and the last three times you didn't bitch this hard."

chrollo had given the rest of the spiders a look to leave the room. they understood and walked out as you were left sitting on the chair with chrollo standing in front of you.

"i wasn't going to say this in front of those idiots but if feitan had lost you at the cost of his life, he would have had my head on a spiked pole for letting it happen," you nodded in agreement but didn't stop him from continuing the story, "you know more than anyone that feitan hates talking about his feelings but you know how important you are to him and if he found out that you died because of him, the troupe would have irreversible damage to it."

you stayed quite as chrollo ran his hands through his hair.

"and where do you think he's at right now?" he asked. you shrugged, really not knowing where he went after the fight, "he's murdering the group of people that tried to kill you or rather him but you get the point."

"how do you know all of this? i doubt he would've told you this to your face so spit it out."

chrollo laughed as he sat on the other chair next to yours, "it's not hard to read peoples minds; even feitan's is pretty easy to read, you just have to take the social cues when they're in front of you."

the entire troupe were on a mission and this time it took place inside of a club. you were dressed in the most uncomfortable club attire you could find and heels that made you want to chop your feet off. it was all too much for you but you knew that it would all be worth it for the money that all of you were promised.

you were sitting down on one of the bar chairs, chugging down a beer as you looked around at your surroundings. there had been a man, not one you were familiar with, staring at you for a while and although he wasn't bad to look at, you kept wondering why he was continuously staring at you.

"hey doll, first time i've ever seen you here," he finally said approaching you. you gave him a look of confusion, "uh yeah, that's because it's my first time here," you replied looking at your drink with annoyance.

"figures, i would have gotten with you a long time ago if i had seen you here before."

just as you were about to leave, you were handed a note from shalnark who was dressed up as a waiter. you quickly opened it up realizing that it was chrollo's handwriting.

"that's the man we need to execute, keep him close."

your eyes widened, not realizing that you had the bait in your hands. you gave him a sweet smile, before turning your attention to chrollo and shooting him a wink that silently meant that you'd have him in a secluded room for his death in no time.

"so, what plans would you have for me if you would have had a me a long time ago?" you asked, sliding on top of his lap and giving him the most fakest sweet smile you could muster, "how about i show you?" he asked now running his hand across your lap. you wanted to cringe but you knew that this was the perfect moment to cut the mission short and go home with the money.

you nodded as you turned over to chrollo and signaled him to follow you. chrollo could tell that feitan was fuming. it was hard to try and read what was going on through his head a lot of the time but this time it was fairly easy. he was fuming with jealousy and it showed. he knew that feitan had a thing for you but who didn't? you were cute and knew how to handle a battle on your own so what wasn't to like?

"come on, she'll need our help with him," he knew that you wouldn't but it was to try and give feitan some peace of mind. they followed your quietly into the room and as you pushed the man on the chair, you turned on the light and smirked, "but it looks like it'll be us giving you the show instead."

chrollo appeared behind you as the man's eyes widened at the spiders leader and their second captain. you smiled as you retrieved your own blade from it's cover and swung it in the air, "it's always so crazy to me that men will literally fuck anything they can get their hands on so i guess that has to be the first thing that goes, right?" you stated aligning the blade to his wrist.

feitan chuckled at your sadistic ways. he knew he must've been rubbing off on you but eventually you stepped back and gave the two men their rounds as you grabbed the wads and you meant wads of cash he had hidden on him. you stuffed them into your clutch that was hidden under your clothes and walked out as you were told to let the man die in the room. the police would find him in the morning, right?

the music was playing way too loud for anyone to hear him screaming so you went back onto the dance floor, happy that your mission was a success and you'd be off for at least a couple days now. you were whispered the success to your troupe members as they high fived each other in happiness.

you went back to the bar for another drink as feitan joined you.

"take shower at home," you gave him a questioning look, "man touched you so you have his germs now."

you giggled, taking a drink from the beer as he stayed my your side for the entire night. he wouldn't dare let another man touch you especially not in the way that the deceased man was.

you nodded in agreement. you knew what chrollo was saying was true but you knew never in a million years would feitan admit to it. in your own weird way, you kind of liked the relationship you and feitan had. it wasn't a solid relationship, not yet at least, but you knew within time, it'd get there. you just had to wait for feitan to get comfortable first.

it took two seconds before the door slammed open, a very angry looking feitan barging in screaming at you in his native language as chrollo excused himself.

you on the other hand sat on the chair, smirking at his antics. you knew this was his way of showing you his stressed out emotions of almost losing you but in his own feitan way. you would wait all day if it meant hearing him scream at you about the way he cared about you. you just had to remember to thank chrollo for opening your eyes about feitans feelings towards you.

#anime #anime imagines #anime imagine #hunter x hunter x reader #hxh #hunter x hunter imagine #hunter x reader #feitan portor imagine #feitan portor x you #feitan portor x reader #feitan portor #feitan fic

111 notes · View notes

likesunsetorange · 3 months

Note

Praying that its e2l related 🤣🤞

revy for you i opened my e2l doc and worked on the intro ive been struggling with LOL

so exes to lovers wip! i know this au is neglected here but here’s a little preview! this takes place a year before their breakup :)

a little long but 1.4k since i haven’t posted anything from this au!!!!!

exes to lovers au wip

February 2022 Portland, Oregon

The last few bits of remaining sun peeked out through the clouds, casting a warm glow into the living room. Short winter days had quickly transitioned into another long winter night, leaving everyone to their own devices.

Mikasa glanced around the room, eyeing her friends from where she sat on the couch, finding herself too tired to go and socialize with everyone else. After a day of hiking that Eren had forced them upon, everyone had been trying to wind down, attempting to preoccupy themselves, which created the mass of chaos before her.

Sasha and Connie trying (and failing every time) to start a fire in the fireplace; Jean and Ymir arguing over how to properly cut onions while they (Armin) tried to make dinner together, and she was sure there was something else that had been brought up that she couldn’t quite remember or bother to care about; Pieck and Hisu struggling to carry trays of hot chocolate to the living room, only causing Mikasa to worry that they would be charged an extra fee for whatever sort of mess that they made in the process; Hitch resided beside her on the couch, trying to figure out how to load the cartridge of film into her film camera, and ultimately failing; and Eren, she had realized, was nowhere to be found.

Her brow furrowed as she scanned the room, looking for any trace of him, knowing that his presence would be requested as soon as Hitch figured out how to reload her film camera—insisting that their trip be further documented.

“Hey, Hitch, have you seen Eren?” Mikasa asked, turning to face her.

Hitch, who hadn’t bothered to look up from what she was doing, shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know, I thought he left a while ago. He seemed all upset or something—I thought you two were fighting or something, to be honest.”

Mikasa’s face scrunched in annoyance, especially considering she hadn’t seen Eren since he went to take a shower over an hour ago. “We aren’t fighting, what are you—”

“Got it!” Hitch cheered, ignoring Mikasa’s comment. She turned towards where everyone else was, so they could better hear her. “Hey! Let’s take a picture, finally! I got this stupid thing working.” Mikasa eyed Hitch, her face giving away her irritation at her lack of social awareness, causing Hitch to cower in fear (though she would probably never admit it). “And someone go find Eren! Mikasa’s worried.”

Mikasa huffed as she stood up, filing herself to the larger couch while Hitch positioned the camera in front of it. She watched as everyone crowded around the couch, everyone finding a seat on or in front of the couch. Her mind was filled with thoughts of Eren, worried about what could have possibly upset him.

The feeling of strong arms wrapping around her middle took her out of her thoughts. She turned to face the culprit, the familiar viridian eyes greeting her with a warm smile.

“Hey,” he greeted, a hint of something she couldn’t quite decipher lingering in his voice. “You miss me?”

Mikasa’s hand found his cheek, gently caressing it. “I did, actually,” she mused. “Everything okay? You were gone for a bit—Hitch said you looked upset when you ran off to wherever.”

Eren came around, fixing Mikasa into his lap, as he positioned his chin comfortably onto her shoulder. Hitch was still fidgeting with the camera, giving Eren no time to avoid her question. “Just stuff with my parents… You know my dad hasn’t been doing good—the company and all that. But I don’t wanna talk about it right now, we’re on a trip, and your birthday is tomorrow—that’s what matters right now.”

“Eren… You know that stuff is important—” Mikasa started, her words cut off by Hitch once again.

“Okay, everyone hurry up! We have like ten seconds before it takes the picture so don’t fuck it up!” She yelled as she ran towards the couch, taking a seat next to Armin and Sasha.

Mikasa released a sigh not wanting their conversation to be interrupted, but not having a choice in this instance. She fixed her face into a smile as she waited for the flash to go off, not wanting to irritate Hitch any further.

They took picture after picture until Hitch was satisfied, resulting in sore cheeks for everyone, and earning complaints from everyone. Everyone gathered around the coffee table, passing around the printed-out photos.

Mikasa was finally ready to be done, wanting to go look at the pictures herself, when Hitch stopped her. “Hey, you two stay there. Let me take one of you two,” she said, motioning them to sit back down. “You’ll thank me when you have cute pictures to show your future kids one day.”

“Hitch, just take the picture,” Mikasa muttered, her voice teetering the edge of being snappy.

Mikasa wrapped her arm around Eren, nestling closer into his side, trying to relieve herself of her slight irritation, knowing nobody was at fault in this situation. She found herself frustrated that she was annoyed in the first place, knowing that there was nothing to be upset about, she should be enjoying herself, knowing she was surrounding by all the people she loved.

As if Eren could sense her uneasiness, she felt him press a kiss onto her cheek. “Hey, relax,” he whispered into her ear. “There’s nothing to worry about, okay?” Mikasa felt her shoulders loosen up, Eren’s voice and presence the one thing to always bring her back down to earth.

“Okay, on three! Three… two… one!” Hitch counted down, the flash going off on one. She handed them the undeveloped picture before joining the others, rambling about how she deserved to be the godmother to their hypothetical future children for things like this.

“It is a nice picture, she has a good point,” Eren said as he inspected the picture. “I think it would be nice to have for stuff like that.”

A smile lit across Mikasa’s face, kids, and a future. Things she had always considered but always seemed so far off—but now, seemed closer than she liked to admit. “You wanna be the father to my kids then, huh?” She teased, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Who else would be the father to your kids?” Eren scoffed, his brows furrowing the way he always did when he tried to hide his emotions—whether it be annoyance or jealousy.

“Nobody but you, Eren,” she said, chuckling before pressing a kiss to a forehead. “That would be nice, though, little versions of us, don’t you think?”

“Mhmm, I think about it all the time, to be honest,” he admitted.

“You do?”

“Well, maybe not the kids and the specifics—although I would want us to have all girls if it was my choice,” he said, chuckling. “But just about us, and our future in general. I love you, I see you in my future always.”

After so many years of being together, it was hard to remember a time when Eren wasn’t in her life. There had never been a time in Mikasa’s life where there had been no Mikasa and Eren in some capacity—whether that was friendship or dating—he was a permanent fixture in her life, and she knew he always would be.

“I love you too, Eren,” Mikasa replied, interlacing her hand with his. “Always have, always will.”

“Even when we were kids and I pushed you too hard off the swings and gave you your scar?” A dimple peeked out from his cheek, a grin flashing across his face.

“I think I was too busy crying to think about whether I loved you or not—but you made your parents buy us ice cream, so I’m sure seven-year-old Mikasa loved you just a bit then too.”

“Well I hope you’ll love me in the future and don’t somehow find a way to get tired of me.”

“How could I ever get tired of you, Eren?” She said, smiling, before pressing another kiss to his lips and standing up.

Mikasa helped Eren to his feet before he enveloped her in another hug, tucking her into his chest. “I don’t know, but I hope you never do. I don’t know how I’d live a life without Mikasa, you really are my other half.”

She hummed in response, wrapping her arms around his middle. “Yea, I don’t know how I would either, Ren. Love you a bit too much to ever get rid of you.”

#asks #exes to lovers au #vic’s wips

22 notes · View notes

shadowdaddies · 8 months

Note

Hello! I love your stories!!! But I don't see anything of Bryce and she is my favorite character. What do you think about a Bryce x f!reader story? Something like being the fae princess's bodyguard and she wants a night of fun?? Thanks for your stories💖

hey love, tbh I was just thinking about how Bryce deserves more fics the other day but I didn’t know what to write for her. I love this request, thank you for sending it to me. this came out surprisingly angsty so I hope you're okay with angst, fluff, AND smut lol

Her Highness's Bodyguard

Bryce x Reader

A/N: this is angst, fluff, and smut idk what came over me

Warnings: smut below the cut, oral f!receiving, not proofread, minors dni

You were close friends with Ruhn through your work in the auxiliary, and had by extension became friends with Bryce, often hanging out with her at Ruhn’s parties. You weren’t close friends, but when you ran into her at The White Raven or other social events, it was a relief to see her. She was always so kind to you, and you’d developed a bit of a crush.

That all changed once she accepted her title as the Princess. The Autumn King demanded that Bryce have a body guard with her at all times, and Ruhn pulled every string he could to ensure that you were picked for the position. He and you both thought that having you as her guard was a way to appease their father, while allowing Bryce to have someone she liked in the role. Apparently, you were wrong.

Bryce quickly changed her demeanor towards you, constantly cutting your conversations short and running off at inconvenient times, leaving you to chase after her. One night, she snuck out to the White Raven where you found her dancing on one of the tables. You stormed over to her, pulling her down by her arm. “What the Hel are you doing Bryce? It’s like you’re asking for trouble. Why can’t you just tell me where you’re going? I can’t lose my position in the Aux because you have some problem with me! I can’t lose you!” you ranted, spiraling in your anxiety as she finally broke you down. Holding back tears, you looked up at Bryce, who had gone silent.

She stared at you like she was seeing you for the first time, opening her mouth to say something before she quickly closed it again. As quickly as Bryce let her mask slip, she put it on again as she resumed her usual flippant, entitled facade. Smirking at you, Bryce taunted, “let loose honey, why don’t we have one night of fun?” She took your hand, a shockwave flowing through you at the touch, and dragged you to the dance floor. Bryce started dancing, grinding against you as she lost herself to the music. You were frozen in place, tempted to succumb to your desires and dance with her, but you knew it was against your better judgment. Not only was it irresponsible while you were on duty as her guard, but you knew she didn’t feel the same way for you as you did her.

Needing to get away from the situation, you left Bryce on the dance floor, bolting to the bathroom in an attempt for fresh air. Before you could close the door to shut yourself inside, a familiar hand shot out, holding the door open. Bryce’s red hair preceded her face that peered around the door, amber eyes filled with concern. “Is everything alright, honey?” Bryce questioned cautiously as she stepped into the room, latching the door behind her.

You found yourself on the verge of tears once more as the real Bryce was revealed, the Bryce you cared for so deeply. You realized you couldn’t go on like this, being around someone all the time who didn’t return your feelings. Taking a deep breath, you told Bryce the truth. “I don’t know if you hate me, if this is your idea of just a fun night, or what you are thinking, Bryce. But I can’t go on like this. I care for you, beyond being your guard, beyond being your friend. It’s too painful for me to constantly chase after someone who clearly doesn’t want me in their life. I quit.”

You stepped around her, making your way to open the door when Bryce pulled you back. Resting her forehead against yours, Bryce held you close as she breathed, “it’s not just a fun night.” Confused, you shook your head as you looked to her for more answers. Bryce sighed. “It’s not just a fun night for me to come here. I knew you would follow me. I don’t know how to talk to you since you’ve become my guard, but I want to be around you. Even if it’s you chasing me around the city, I just wanted to feel like you wanted me like I want you.”

You gasped at the admission, mind reeling as you came to understand what she was saying. Refusing to overthink any more, you pulled Bryce in and kissed her. She kissed you back eagerly, reaching down to grab your ass, eliciting a moan that allowed her to slip her tongue in your mouth. She backed you against the counter top, where you ground your hips against hers as you slid your hands up to cup her breasts. Spurned on by yours movements, Bryce lifted you up on the counter and began kissing down your chest before lifting you enough to slide your dress over your head. She pulled back to remove your undergarments, but you locked your ankles around her waist, drawing her closer to you. You began kissing and sucking your way down her neck as you brought your hands to the hem of her dress, pulling upwards to remove the clothing. You couldn’t help but gape at her body, her curvy tanned form that took your breath away.

Before you could make any further moves, Bryce pinned you, towering over you against the countertop as she kissed you, all the while adjusting your hips to slide further down to the edge of the counter where she removed your underwear. Bryce smirked as she knelt down in front of you, pushing your legs apart as she wrapped her arms around your thighs. She kissed her way up each of your legs until she reached your dripping center, wasting no time as she licked a broad stripe up your pussy. Your back arched as you let out a loud moan at the contact. “Fuck, Bryce, that’s so good,” you breathed, lifting your hips in a silent plea for more. She obliged, harshly sucking your clit, bringing one hand to circle your entrance while the other roamed over your breasts, tugging and twisting your nipples. You were breathless, almost to the edge when Bryce slid two fingers in, curling them against your walls. She moved at a fast pace, switching between kitten licks and sucking on your clit. You moaned her name, crashing over the edge as you hit your orgasm hard.

Panting, you looked to Bryce who was now standing above you, smirking as she licked her fingers clean. You grabbed her dress from the floor, throwing it towards her as you dressed yourself. Grabbing her hand, you gave her a promising look as you murmured, “come on, we’re finishing this back at the apartment.”

51 notes · View notes

babydaddyleorio · 2 years

Note

hi love!!! how are you? i hope ur doing well :) I was wondering if you would mind writing something about nash from knb with a s/o that’s very maddy perez? i’m not sure if you’ve seen euphoria, if u haven’t then just lmk lol. but i hate the stereotype of y/n being out of touch, overly submissive and overall annoying, esp when the character they r written with tends to be more dominant. what do u think?? hugs & kisses !!❤️❤️

Never seen euphoria before, but I think I can gauge her character from what I know. Also, this would literally be Nash’s type lmao

Nash loves it when you bite back. Either when you’re on social media checking someone or in public loudly radiating bde with an rbf. You have no problem defending yourself or letting others know you’re not the one, or the two.

On top of that, he likes when you check him. You have a slick mouth and a sharp tongue, all of which Nash is fond of. He loves when you speak your mind, and each time you put him in his place, he finds himself staring at you with a dopey grin.

“What are you doing?” You ask Nash once you realize he’s not paying attention, to which he cornily responds with “falling in love all over again”.

You immediately roll your eyes and mush him away with your hand.

Loves your makeup and how bold it can be. Actually, your style was what pulled him in the first place. He did a double-take the minute you walked past him and he quickly ran after you to ask for your number.

You rejected him with a smile, of course. Which left Nash shocked, but also deepened his attraction to you even more. He was whipped from that second on— you just got it like that.

Also, your confidence is sexy as hell. The way you can easily make head turns with your demeanor alone is powerful. People literally break their necks to look at you, Nash being one of them.

You’re the pretty NBA wife type. Always sitting courtside with your shades on, the hottest outfit, and hands clapping as Nash makes a shot. The paparazzi love you, to put it simply.

Nash pays for all your hair appointments, nail appointments, and many shopping endeavors. You didn’t get with Nash because he had money, though that did play a significant role in whether or not you were going to give him your attention, but the fact he could provide for you with no questions asked makes you smirk in triumph. You’re truly spoiled with Nash snugly wrapped around your finger.

Though you can thrive without them, you tend to always be surrounded by friends or people in general. Your extroverted nature makes Nash very happy to have you alongside him, and you both quickly become the life of the party when you go out together.

You and Nash will be the couple that can’t get enough of each other. Pda and your intimacy are off the charts. The downside is that both of you tend to get jealous a lot of each other and can become petty really quickly.

Believe it or not, you can open up to Nash. He becomes very understanding about your feelings and will stop you dead in your tracks if he senses something made you upset.

Sometimes you don’t want to talk about all the things bothering you and will snap if he keeps pushing for a confession, but the second he pulls you firmly against his chest and kisses the top of your head, you oddly feel safe with him.

257 notes · View notes

luckyqueenreign · 2 years

Note

Omg im the one that submitted the Gabrielle theory!! Please do use it!! I just finished you first impression and loved it!!

Two fics in one day... who am I?

I loved your Gabrielle theory and wanted to explore a possible storyline through that.

I even tried to make Gabrielle a little bit redeeming lol..She was just trying to look out for MC! Hope I did you proud :)

@fujiihime @tjsmommy719 @squishy-noodles @kunepie

----

THREE’S A CROWD - SURESH / GABRIELLE POV

Suresh looked down at his watch, Gemma’s going to kill me. It had been the third time this week, he’d promise her that he wouldn’t work late but he was now two hours late to their dinner plans. His office was currently going through a massive re-structuring, and they were short staffed, his boss was asking for an “all hands-on deck approach” from all the senior and mid-level staff. He couldn’t say no when he was on the fast track to partner. He thought he had come up with a great solution to their temporary problem weeks ago, he asked Gemma to move in with him. His apartment was nicer than hers, it was bigger, it was on a better part of town. She basically lived there as it was, it just made sense.

But Gemma said no, multiple times. She said she had a “rule” about not living with someone before she was engaged to them. They’d been together for over a year now and he could see himself proposing to her. He was going to propose to her. She was his dream girl after all. He just needed to get over this hump at work and then he would propose. They could have the big wedding she’d always dreamed of. His family wasn’t super traditional, but he imagined they’d want to keep some of his Sri Lankan traditions for the wedding.

He turned his key into Gemma’s knob and turned it to open the door. The apartment was pitch black.

“G?”

Down the hall he could hear faint whispers from what seemed to be a conversation and he could see the glow coming from underneath Gemma’s bedroom door.

Why is her door closed. She never closes her door.

“Gemma?”

With that she stopped talking and she rushed whoever was on the other line off the phone. She rushed out of her room, flustered.

“Hey babe!”

She ran over to give him a kiss.

No argument? No snide remark about being late?

“I’m sorry I’m late, work ran over again.”

“It’s ok, should we go out, order in? I guess I could also whip up something quickly too. Not sure what you’re in the mood for –“

“Gemma who was the on the phone?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just now when I got home you were on the phone. Who were you on the phone with?”

“Hmm... I could do with a Chinese...”

“Gemma!”

“Oh sorry! I was uh just oh on with Chloe.”

“Since when do you stutter just to say you were on with Chloe?”

“I didn’t stutter…oh my god Suresh what’s with the grilling? If you’re stressed from work keep it there, please. Don’t bring it home to me. I’ve not done anything to you. I was just trying to sort your dinner and you’ve come home with all this weird aggressive energy.”

“Well, this isn’t my home now is it, Gemma!”

“Nope, not this again. We are not having this argument right now. Literally what’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me?! You’re over here having secret conversations; you refuse to move in with me and you’re acting like there’s something wrong with me?”

“We’re not doing this right now. Just go to your apartment Suresh. We’ll speak in the morning.”

With this he turns around and storms off leaving Gemma’s apartment.

---

Suresh drives aimlessly towards his apartment, but he realizes he doesn’t want to go home. He starts driving towards The Social. It’s his favorite bar, it’s close to his office and his apartment. He decides to leave his car near his apartment. The amount of drinking he’ll be doing tonight he shouldn’t get behind the wheel of a car.

Suresh receives his usual raised eyebrow and come-hither stares from women that he’s become accustomed to it over the years. After over a year of successfully ignoring those types of looks from women he feels like he’s built a special Gemma armor around him. Mostly impenetrable to women.

“Reshyyy!!!” Gabrielle squealed from the other side of the bar, she couldn’t contain her excitement and ran over to hug him. “I haven’t seen you in like a week where have you been?”

“Work has been an absolute mad house. I need lots and lots of tequila tonight.”

“Your wish is my command!”

Gabrielle smiled mischievously as she dropped two tequila shots in front of Suresh. She pressed her breasts together and leaned forward to him.

“Let’s see if this big boy can handle these tiny tequila shots.”

Suresh took down the two shots with ease.

“Just leave the bottle.” Suresh continued to drink shot after shot for the next hour or so.

“Babes, we’re actually closing down in 15 minutes.”

Suresh was drunk. Very drunk. He was slurring his words. He got up and the room started to spin but he got his bearings.

“Nooo. But weee we’reere just starrrrting to have fuun.”

Gabrielle walked over to him and held his shoulder.

“Suresh are you ok,” Gabrielle said as she looked at him with a flirtatious smile.

“Of course, I am G,” with that Suresh grabbed Gabrielle into a sloppy drunken kiss. For Gabrielle this was months in the making. She’d dreamed of what kissing Suresh would feel like, and what being with him would be like. She didn’t know much about him but she hoped this kiss was the start of something more.

“Do you want to go back to my place, or should we go to yours?” Gabrielle asked expectantly.

Suresh looked at her confused. “I don know where I live.” He started to laugh.

Gabrielle laughed with him. “Alright we can head to my place then, I can drive.”

Suresh snored in the passenger seat as Gabrielle drove them to her apartment. OMG I can’t believe this is happening. He’s so gorgeous.

When they arrive at her place Suresh is still very inebriated. He's swaying as he walks down her hallway. She leads him to her bedroom, and they start to kiss. Their kiss starts slow and sensual, and she starts to kiss his neck as she starts to move down to his chest he says. “Gemma, I love you so much just move in with me.”

Gabrielle stops kissing him.

“Suresh, what did you say”

“Gemma, I love you.”

With that he turns over and begins to snore.

How could she be so stupid. Of course, he has a girlfriend. Gemma.

He’s made a fool of me for MONTHS. Flirting with me. Gassing me up. Making it seem like he wanted anything with me. He clearly just did that for attention. I’ll give him attention. How could he cheat on his girlfriend? And I know he's not the type of guy to ever own up to his mistakes. Maybe I should help her find something in his phone that will make her see what a shitty, two-timing boyfriend she has.

Gabrielle looked around for Suresh’s phone, once she spotted it, she got to work. She removed his shirt and his pants. She left his underwear on but inched it down. She put on her red lacy lingerie set and took out his phone and posed. When she finally had the picture, she liked she saved it to his camera roll.

---

Suresh woke up in a panic. This wasn’t his apartment. This wasn’t Gemma’s apartment. He wasn’t wearing clothes. Who was next to him?? He tried to move but his head felt like he had been buried under a ton of bricks. He had to get the hell out of here. He didn’t remember having sex. He didn’t remember much of anything. Gemma’s apartment. Car. THE SOCIAL. He finally inched his head over and he could see her red hair, her tattoos. What did you do Suresh?

Suresh tried to silently get up and get his things. Everything was everywhere and his pounding headache made it so much harder to pick everything up. When he finally finished getting dressed, he heard Gabrielle stir.

“Good morning, babe,” she said.

“Hey Gab. Listen nothing happened between last night, right?

She started to giggle, “Well I wouldn’t call that nothing,” she said as she pointed to Suresh’s member. “I had a lot of fun last night. Maybe we can do it again soon”

“G, you’re a great girl but I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to go.”

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

You have to tell Gemma. There’s no way out of this you have to tell Gemma. But what do I tell Gemma? What the hell even happened?

Suresh takes an Uber home to wash the smell of tequila and regret off him. He gets dressed and starts to make his way over to Gemma’s apartment. But it’s empty. He calls her.

“Hello Suresh.” She answers icily on the other line.

“Babe where are you?”

“I’m out.”

“I’m at your apartment, I wanted to see you. Will you be home soon?”

“No.”

“G come on. Where are you?”

With that he heard the key in the lock, and he turned around to find her standing at the doorway. She had a few bags from the market in her hands.

“Well, are you going to help me then or just stare,” she said as she smirked at him and handed him some bags.

“Should we go out today, I ran all of the errands I needed to run yesterday and this morning,” she said as she put away the groceries. Completely unaware of the absolutely horrific thing Suresh did last night.

“Resh?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, let’s go out.”

She looked at him sideways, “Are you ok?” As she got closer to him, she knew something was up. “You got drunk last night, didn’t you? Oh, and I can see it’s a bad hangover too.” She said laughing. “OK, new plan. We’re ordering really greasy burgers. I’m going to the shops for beers, you need a hair of the dog. Grab some painkillers from my medicine cabinet and a water and relax on the couch. I’ll be back in 10.”

“Gemma.”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more.”

She smiled back at him wide.

Suresh needed time to gather his thoughts. He couldn’t hurt her right now. He knew that if he told her about last night that it would shatter her world. It would be one thing if Gabrielle meant something to Suresh, but Gabrielle meant absolutely nothing to him. He couldn’t even remember sleeping with her or kissing her. Shit, I remember kissing her. I called her G. I thought she was Gemma. Gemma will leave you. You can’t tell Gemma.

Before he could think about it anymore, Gemma walked back into the apartment.

“Ok drunky…I come bearing more goods to get you drunk again.”

That afternoon came and went they watched movies and cuddled on the couch. Suresh decided he would keep Gemma in the dark about his darkest secret.

---

#litg #love island the game #love island game #litg suresh #litg s5 #litg mc #litg ex in the villa #litg eitv #ex in the villa #litg gemma #litg fanfic #litg fan theory

30 notes · View notes

itsthebethblogever · 1 year

Text

A Bird on Her Journey to Self

If you want to know what I have been up to since graduating high school, here is your answer: I've been trying to figure out what I want to do in life, and having lots ups and downs in the process. Like everyone else. This was written with the intention to share my experiences in the hopes that others can relate/learn/laugh/benefit somehow. Ten years of life in one post. Thanks so much for reading, sending you love, enjoy! ♡

Chapter 1: The Bird Leaves the Nest

The laid back, coastal town of Ventura, California offers many wonderful benefits as a home town: perfect weather, spacious beaches, a county fair, farmers markets, and it's close enough to Los Angeles for a day trip but far away enough to not have big city problems like traffic or pollution. However, its small town vibes can sometimes feel like a suburban bubble of safety, so my curious spirit did not begin to fully emerge until I moved to San Francisco for college at the age of 18. From day one, I hit the ground running. As soon as my dad finished helping me unpack, I ran off with some new friends to the Haight Ashbury district with one goal in mind: get my nose pierced (something I was not allowed to do while living at home). That simple yet important milestone was a physical marker of my breaking away from the herd. Beginning to chart my own path. After a fiery freshman year full of firsts, I left SF to study abroad in Växjö, Sweden, full of confidence and a thirst for even more adventure.

I was 20. I had just begun to see the world. Inspired by living with international students who could all speak at least 2 languages, I set a goal to learn Spanish. The question was: How? I began researching ways to live in a Spanish speaking country and landed on the Peace Corps website. To qualify for a Spanish speaking country, I would need a minimum of 2 semesters of college level Spanish. Well, that would work out just fine! I still had another three more semesters at SF State before I could graduate, so when registration came around, I signed myself up for Spanish. Lovely! My post-college plan became: move to a Spanish speaking country and learn the language.

In my second semester of living in a Scandinavian story tale is when a sweet character by the name of David made his debut. We met during a student trip to Finnish Lapland, when one of our three buses broke down. Instead of having the seat next to me for myself for the long journey north, I had to give it up to make room for the other bus mates. Now, sitting next to me, was a tall, talkative Spaniard. So much for my desire to sleep. We introduced ourselves and he saw I was listening to Bon Iver - of course, this was my sleep playlist - and asked me if I had seen them in concert. Well, turns out we both had, and despite not being a chatty mood, my interest was sparked. We continued connecting and I quickly realized that the more time I spent with him, the more time I wanted to just keep spending more time with him. He charmed me with his music taste, social spirit, but most of all: his loving heart. The only problem was that he was from Terrassa, a city near Barcelona, Spain, which is quite far away from California.

But... it was a Spanish speaking country.

Meaning... that if I moved to Barcelona to be close to David instead of joining the Peace Corps, I would still be accomplishing my post-grad goals. It wasn’t just to pursue a relationship.

So, we went for it.

After a tortuous goodbye in Sweden (and then again in Denmark, as he missed his flight home due to a train strike and ended up staying the night with me and my family who had come to visit, lol), we did not know when we would see each other next. However, we made the decision to stay together. David and I maintained a long-distance relationship - San Francisco to Barcelona - during the year and a half it took me to finish my degree. We saw each other only twice during that span of time. Yeah, ouch. It was extremely hard to be apart for so long, but we were determined to find a way to be together.

As soon as I graduated, I wasted no time. January 2016, two weeks after receiving my degree, I hopped on a flight across the pond and moved into my new au pair family’s apartment in the Vila Olímpica neighborhood of Barcelona. My freshly earned degree in Child and Adolescent Development meant I was passionate about working with kids, so the role was right up my alley. At 22 years old, my new life as a part time mom and part time Spanish language student began. I would get my three trilingual children ready for school with some help from their parents, drop them off, and cycle over to the Escola Oficial d’Idiomes. Classes were four times a week with daily homework, my au pair parents spoke to me exclusively in Spanish, and on the weekends half of my friends spoke to me in Spanish as well.

After three trimesters at EOI over the course of a year and a healthy level of immersion, I passed an official exam and gained the Intermediate Spanish certification. I had done it - I had learned Spanish!

Well, mainly. It took me about another year to really start to feel like I could express my personality in Spanish.

Once I completed my au pair year, I moved in with David and two of his childhood friends (by then, also my close friends) in the Gràcia neighborhood of the city when I was 23. For about six months, I supported myself with a variety of English teaching gigs I had accumulated through connections made at my au pair kids’ schools as well as through other English teaching friends in the city.

Life was a thrill. I still could not believe I was finally living in the same country with David, much less the same room, I was proud that I was able to make enough money just through teaching private classes, I had the social and night life beyond my wildest dreams, and I was doing it all in a city overflowing with art and culture. I was thriving.

However, I could no longer extend my student visa, so I needed to find something else that would allow me to continue living legally in Spain.

So, I found something.

Via the recommendation of friends, I applied, interviewed, and was accepted as a language assistant through the Meddeas program. In the summer of 2017, I went home to California, visited family and friends, and got my new student visa processings done.

August 2017 initiated a new school year and a new chapter in my journey: teaching English to Spanish primary and secondary students while studying an online TEFL course at the Universitat Internacional de Catalunya.

In hindsight, this is where my journey began to stray from my center.

Teaching English had never been a professional dream of mine. It was something I could do, and I absolutely found joy in it; however, the fact that I was thrown into a job with just one real day of training and all of a sudden expected to lesson plan for 11 different classes caused me immense stress in the beginning. Over time it got easier, but there was always a part of me that knew if I could choose, I would be doing something different.

But, I did it.

Why?

Because it allowed me to continue living in Barcelona, a place that now felt like home. It allowed me to continue learning Spanish, which sparked so much fire and fascination in me. It allowed me to continue the flourishing relationships with my sweet partner and the community of friends and family I cherished so deeply.

So, I kept doing it.

After two years of working and studying through Meddeas, I had maxed out the amount of time I could be in the program. The question returned: How could I continue to legally live in Spain?

The answer: Domestic Partnership.

We lawyered up.

David and I were able to apply under the condition that we had been registered as living in the same household for over a year. Some hundreds and thousands of Euros later, I was granted 5 years of residency in Spain that included the right to work. Hallelujah. The end of long days trekking across the province to different official buildings, waiting decades for my little number to appear on a screen, indicating it was finally my turn even though my appointment time had long passed, and praying that the person who attended me would give me their stamp and signature that meant I could advance to the next round of the Red Tape Tango.

Even Jesus could not be saved from the messy misery that is the bureaucratic processes in Spain.

So, it would seem like having my residency settled would open the doors for me to explore more satisfying occupations, buuut it was not that easy.

I was in a foreign country. The primary language of instruction in public schools was Catalan. Even though I worked so hard to learn Spanish, I would still need to learn another language if I wanted to apply to any public school position.

Then, there was the issue of educational qualifications. Europe in general is quite strict with demanding you have the right papers for the right job, and even more so in Catalonia. In the Catalan province, you must have a masters degree to work with high schoolers, the age group that I really did love teaching English. However, getting a masters for a job that still did not ignite every inch of my soul was not something I was ready to sign up for. Plus, it was possible my US bachelor’s degree may not even qualify, and there was no way I was going to do another bachelor’s degree just for that.

At that moment, my two post grad goals had been accomplished: to live in a Spanish speaking country and learn Spanish, which felt great, but I did not have a plan for after that. I began to feel lost.

At the same time as I was going through a professional life crisis, my personal life situation was also undergoing a difficult transition. It was the summer of 2019. David and I were looking to move out of our shared apartment into our own place for the first time.

From the outside, everything seemed glittery and exciting. We had found a beautiful apartment in Gràcia mere footsteps away from our friends, I got my residency, and my unemployed status was not a huge financial stress thanks to David working in tech.

However, my live-in support system, aka my roommates, had been taken away. Moving in with my partner meant it was just us two. When there was any conflict, it no longer dissipated when one of our roomies came home. Our fights were affecting me more, being unemployed sucked, and felt like I had nobody to reach out to since everyone was working or vacationing. Many days, the summer sun was shining bright outside, but inside I felt darkness. For the first time in my life, I fell into a depression. These deep, ugly emotions inside me were new and I did not know how to deal with them. Instead of opening up about how I felt, I tried to keep my emotions hidden in the hopes that I could bounce back on my own without causing others to see this unhappy side of the usually bubbly, carefree Beth.

In the month of July, I found a gig as a camp counselor at an English language summer camp. The hours were long, it was physically and emotionally demanding, and the compensation was minimal. Working at a summer camp did have some fun perks, but overall it felt like I was resorting to a job that was great when I was 15, but not so much when I was 25. It did not feel like progress, so it did not help my mental health.

Once that finished, I began teaching English online to kids in China in the mornings through a US based company called VIP Kid. In the evenings, I got a part-time job teaching English to kids and adults at a language academy in the city.

More English teaching.

Still, not really my passion.

But, I did it.

Why?

I could not find any better options. I knew I did not want to teach English for the rest of my life, but the other jobs I was interested in, like in the special education/psychology field, I could not pursue due to language or bureaucratic barriers. I decided to accept my current job situation, knowing that it was temporary, and continue to look for other positions in the meantime.

But it was not easy. On top of this, my work schedule was now opposite to David’s. His 9-5 job meant that when he came home, I was at my second job. Limited time together further heightened my feelings of aloneness and caused stress for us both. We hardly saw each other during the week, and when we did, we were not at our best selves. This continued for some time, until finally, I couldn’t do it anymore. I told David I wanted to break up in March 2020, shortly after my 26th birthday. Yet, it did not end then. It surprised David to know I was that unhappy, as I had been hiding most of my dark emotions in order to convince myself and others that I was okay. We decided we would start having more honest communication and work on our relationship, as we both hoped it could be saved.

Then, the timing of what happened next still makes me chuckle. The Universe heard us asking for more time together, and gave us…

Covid 19.

Yep, Barcelona’s lockdown happened literally days after we almost broke up.

Actually, it couldn’t have come at a better time.

We finally had time to be able to talk, connect, and make the best out of being confined 24/7 together.

Since the language academy closed, it was easy to convert my online teaching gig to be my primary job, as my Chinese students were all at home too. I taught classes for about four hours a day and spent the rest… however I could. While David continued working, I would usually go up to our building’s rooftop. There, I began to rediscover some of my creative passions I had forgotten about. I bought a drawing pad, wrote poetry, and did lots of journaling.

After a long year locked down with plenty of time to reflect, I came to the difficult conclusion that it was time to end our 6 year relationship. Almost exactly a year later, I turned 27 in February 2021, and made the move.

Something I want to pause and touch on here are my thoughts on ending relationships. Later, when sharing the news to my friends and family, it became apparent that some people feel the need to see ugliness before a breakup. I got a lot of reactions like "What, really? But you seemed so happy!" Yes, we were. But that is not a good enough reason to stay with someone. Personally, I feel like it shows how much I cared about David to never let us get to a point where we were outwardly unhappy. I recognized that my feelings had changed, and rather than repress them to the point where I might start to take it out on him, I made the responsible choice to end things amicably. Movies and pop culture dramatize breakups and show things like throwing their partner's belongings out the window, saying nasty things while screaming at each other, cheating out of spite, and the list goes on. It is sad that we don't have examples of two people who sit down together, have a meaningful conversation, and wish each other the best. Communication is an art that gets easier with practice. We should have as many role models and teachers as possible to help guide us towards the most loving way of relating.

Conscious communication practices are on the uprise, so if learning these essential life skills sounds interesting to you, feel free to contact me and I can help connect you to resources like Instagram accounts to follow, courses to take, etc.

And, unpause.

It was Lunar New Year and from the moment I woke up, I felt like electricity was surging through my body, my heart beat accelerated. It was my body telling me: now or never. I met with my best friend Pat who I made privy to my resolution, and together we developed a plan.

A day later, I sat down with David and had the Talk. I did my best to explain my decision in the most caring way, so for that, I came prepared with a notebook in case the words escaped me in the moment. I knew these were going to be the scenes that would replay in our minds and I wanted to foster the best possible conversations. It absolutely broke my heart but as I spoke my truth, my body felt lighter. We agreed that there would be no contact, to allow both of us to heal. As I did the "hurting", I would not be the one to initiate contact. If the day comes that David would like to speak to me, he could reach out. We did get together a second time a few days later to have another conversation where questions were asked and answered. At the end, we said a more official goodbye that ended in one of the world's saddest hugs. I let him know that I hope we can one day be friends, and I am still hopeful for that. It has been almost two years and we have not exchanged a word. I celebrate how well we have honored the boundaries we set and wish him the absolute best.

Six beautiful years of support, adventure, silliness, passion, growth, and love came to an end. Well, the love will always remain, just in a different container.

Before diving into all the logistics that come after a breakup, Pat invited me to stay the weekend with her family in her hometown. We went on a hike to the top of the Burriac Castle, where I really cried for the first time after the break up. Feeling safe and nurtured in her family's hands, I was able to journal my heart out, have an attentive ear to help me try to figure out what to do next, order pizza, and cry some more. I am forever grateful for all the help and love Pat gave me during my time of need. She is a true loyal Leo protector queen and I love and miss her dearly.

Then, it was back to reality.

I moved all my stuff out of our shared apartment and was temporarily crashing at a friend’s place while she was out of town. I hadn’t really thought about what came next, but it was obvious I needed a new place to live.

I went to see a room that seemed to check all the boxes: good lighting and internet for my online classes, in the same neighborhood so I’d still have all my friends and shops I was loyal to around me, but it was then when I realized - how can I start a new chapter of my life in the same city with the same job and the same limitations?

I cannot.

So, I didn’t.

I decided it was time to move back home.

In the span of two weeks, I packed up my five years of life into three boxes, two backpacks, one suitcase, and one duffel bag. The process of donating, gifting, and purging my material belongings was therapeutic. The process of saying goodbye to my community of friends that had become my family was heartbreaking.

Is heartbreaking.

But I had to do it.

Like a phoenix, I had to set fire to everything familiar so I could be reborn from the ashes. Just like that, I said adéu, t'estimo to the five year Barcelona chapter of my life.

Chapter 2: The Bird Returns to the Nest

On the flight to California, I realized I was not moving back home. Barcelona was my home. It had been four years since I had stepped foot on the West Coast, and I had no idea what I was going to do (as per usual).

March 1st, 2021. My first full day in Ventura, California in years. It was more clear than ever that I was basically a foreign person in my hometown, and I did not feel like I fit in. Immediately, I threw myself into researching any and all opportunities to leave the US. I applied to teach English in Korea and was rejected - maybe because of my tattoos? Oh well, it wasn’t meant to be. Next, I applied for an English Teaching position in Costa Rica through the Peace Corps, thinking I could fulfill that post-graduation idea I had so many years ago. I got an interview and then after was politely explained that all of the programs are on pause due to Miss Rona and they would let me know once they reopened. Tampoco ain’t gonna do it. After that, I began throwing my resume at any and all English teaching positions at international schools in the Middle East, Southeast Asia, you name it… but nothing stuck.

Soon, I came to terms with that my intention to touch down in Ventura just to jet off again was not realistic. Covid meant that many borders were closed and programs on pause. So, when a recruiter contacted me on Linkedin for a job as a Support Counselor with Aspiranet, my eyes opened wide with interest at the job description. Behavioral coaching for youth clients in Ventura County? Required a bachelor’s degree in social work/psychology/child development? Increased pay for bilingual candidates? Experience working with high risk youth or special education preferred? The description seemed to be tailored for me. I felt the flame of inspiration ignite, so I applied and was offered the job. I absolutely loved it. Finally, I was back to doing something I was passionate about, and the experience I gained was just as rewarding as the difference I was making in my client’s lives.

Still, my goal to move abroad was clear, and I continued to search for ways to do so. I applied to volunteer as an English Director through a program in Brazil that also practiced eco-friendly living, organic farming, and environment conservation. Even though it was teaching English, I saw this as a beautiful way to also have the opportunity to learn about the other projects going on at the center that fascinated me. After an interview, I was offered the position!

…and got a DUI.

Just when I thought I finally found a plan that felt right, life smacked me in the face and said “think again”. My dreams were shattered.

Here is where I should maybe add a little context and do that adult thing called “take responsibility”. After so many years in a relationship, I was granting myself permission to be wild and free on the weekends. However, as a Scorpio Moon, Jupiter, and Pluto, I crave intensity and become obsessive in my search for taboo adventures. That manifested in a way where I was pushing boundaries of what was safe to their limit, too often. The Universe gave me plenty of opportunities to learn my lesson the easy way, granting me safe passage during many other instances where I drove under the influence. But, I did not listen, and continued on with my reckless behavior until finally I was forced to learn the hard way.

And it sucked.

Not only did I have to spend all the money I had saved on legal fees and fines, but I now had three months of programs I had to attend. My job as a Support Counselor was half spent driving around Ventura County visiting my clients, so I quickly decided that would not be worth the extra insurance and IDD device I’d need to install just to keep the job.

So now what?

Back to the drawing board.

Sigh.

After shedding many tears, therapy sessions, conversations with family and friends, and deep suffering, it hit me: A remote job. It would be the perfect compromise. Instead of quitting my job and using my savings to volunteer and travel, I would get a remote job so I could still travel and have the means to do so. Frantically, I began applying for anything and everything remote. Thanks to a family friend, I was referred and accepted as a Client Coordinator with Cerebral, an online mental health startup company. Well, weeks before beginning training, Cerebral said they no longer needed Client Coordinators (small heart attack) but if I was interested in being a Phone Coordinator, there was still a job for me. Uh, okay, as long as it was remote, I was willing to do pretty much anything. I accepted without much hesitation, though the idea of answering phones instead of emails did not thrill me.

It would be my first customer service job, and as it was still related to my field of interest, I figured there would be value to seeing the business/insurance/billing side. As soon as I finished training, I packed up my life, again, and purchased a one-way ticket to Mexico City. Since I had visited the city before and already had friends there, it felt like somewhere I could start rebuilding the sense of community that I so yearned while also fulfilling my international desire.

So, I did it.

I will never forget the surge of emotions that overcame me the moment the plane lifted off the runway at LAX. The tears came pouring out before I even realized I was crying. Freedom. Independence. Finally, after a year of living at home, I felt like I was back in life’s driver’s seat.

Chapter 3: The Bird Gets Her Wings Back

At 4:39 am on April 3rd, 2022, two days after moving into an apartment in Juárez, Mexico City, I wrote this:

“I’m having so much fun being alive-

—and living and being here that I don’t want to go to sleep. I don’t even want to close my eyes.

I’m too happy.

There’s too much I want to absorb.

Everything feels electric. I feel literally charged and hypervolted with energy.

This. Is. My. Fucking PLACE!!!

Note to self: never again accept less than this. Or if you do, know it is temporary and I will always find a way back.”

Now 28 years old, the feeling of power I felt when I left Barcelona had finally returned. I could learn Mexican Spanish. I could walk to the market to buy my groceries. I could even do my court ordered programs, as they were through Zoom. But, most importantly, I could surround myself with people and experiences that would help guide me on my path.

Almost immediately, I became immersed in Mexico City’s spiritual community. After meeting lots of beautiful souls at an event hosted by the Open/Sex-Positive Community, I began running into the same people at other events, in the streets, at friend’s houses, etc. Also, there is a Whatsapp group for pretty much any interest you may have. For my US readers who may be unfamiliar with Whatsapp, the first thing you should know is that we are pretty much the only country who doesn't use it. Adding that to the list of things we do differently. All it is is a messaging app, but the big advantages of using that over iMessage or texting is that it just uses Internet. That being said, there is no polarizing "blue or green" texts to mess up a group chat, making it much more conducive to creating large group chats for as many as 1,000 users.

Just like that, Mexico City felt like home. My job became pretty easy once I got the hang of it, and because I worked smarter and not harder, I was able to enjoy life pretty much exactly how I wanted to. I was living my best life.

One night, while hanging out with my dear friend Bailey at her apartment, she remarked "Didn't you want to do a peyote ceremony? They're posting about one on the Hermanas Hermosas group". Hermanas Hermosas is a global feminine movement that has a Whatsapp group for pretty much every major city around the world and many others for smaller towns but with a spiritual community present. Some get so big that they have to separate into smaller topics as to not spam everyone in Mexico City with apartment ads if they aren't looking for an apartment. In this case, there was a post in the Hermanas Wellness group sharing that sure enough, a peyote ceremony was being led by two women up north in the very desert to which the plant is native.

I sprang into action, as it was Wednesday, and the trip left that very Friday morning. Thanks to the help of my friends, I was able to collect the necessary supplies for a night out in the desert under the stars, called in sick to work that Friday, and I was off to experience the healing powers of hikuri.

It would be wonderful to tell you that I had a powerful, life transformational experience sitting with this medicine; however, that Thursday before the ceremony, I got some awful stomach bug. That day, I could not keep down even water, and I toyed heavily with the idea of cancelling the trip. However, there was no way I was going to miss what I felt was an opportunity that did not come many times, so I came armed with anti-stomach-explodey pills and somehow got myself to the meeting point that Friday morning.

With the group, we went out into the desert with flashlights to find and harvest our cacti medicine. Then, we set up around a fire, prepared the plants, made a delicious tea full of medicinal herbs and more cacti, and prepared the ceremony. My intention was to ask for guidance on what is my purpose. After consuming the recommended dose, about half an hour, I had an euphoric beginning to the trip. Then, I felt called to lay down in my sleeping bag, so I listened to my body and got comfortable. I fell asleep for the majority of the night. Upon waking up, I was initially quite mad - I came all the way out to the desert and I didn't get to talk to the blue stag spirit of peyote? However, I do believe the message was that I needed to give myself time to rest. Living in a city as active and exciting as CDMX meant that most of my free time was spent out of the house, and that was probably not the way I would find clarity. Also, I learned the importance of not having any expectations.

Three months into Mexico City living, Australia announced they were finally re-opening their borders. To my family and I, that meant we could finally get the chance to visit my brother Jesse and sister-in-love Kiki (because “sister-in-law” just doesn’t fit) who had been living on the strictly locked down island since Covid began. This meant I could either keep paying rent while I was away in order to keep my apartment, or… an idea sprouted.

Instead of coming back to Mexico City, I could move out of my apartment, and start to travel Mexico when I got back. The city was feeling comfortable, which was lovely, but also a sign that it’s time to move on. I had developed a support network that gave me the confidence I needed to spread my wings.

It was decided. When I returned to Mexico from Australia in August, I flew back to CDMX for a short visit, then began my solo exploration of the country.

Chapter 4: The Bird Migrates Farther South

Now that I had nourished the soil and grown new roots, I was craving expansion towards the sun. The previous months’ themes were reestablishing confidence in myself, completing DUI obligations, and building up my savings again. Here is the part of my journey where I feel like my real growth starts.

After months of hearing stories and recommendations, I decided I would start my nomadic chapter in the state of Oaxaca. First stop was Puerto Escondido, known as one of the best surf spots in the world and for its hippy party vibes. As I do not surf nor was in a partying mode, I did not fall head over heels for the town. The main areas were mostly filled with other international folk, which was a con for me, as I wanted to leave the bubble of Mexico City to get to know a more authentic side of Mexico.

As soon as I arrived in Puerto, I felt stressed to find friends. Company. Community. I knew a handful of people from CDMX who happened to be there at the same time, connected with some friends of friends, and met people on my own. Despite this, my social life was the area where I felt the most resistance. I was expecting the luck and speed I found people in Mexico City to be the same there. Well, that was not the case. And this frustrated me. Which forced me to take a step back and reflect - why did this cause me frustration? Was I putting too much value on spending time with others instead of just enjoying life?

…Ope.

Yep.

Out of discomfort came a lesson: I should be acting as my #1 source of company and entertainment. And, quality over quantity. This is a lesson I had begun to learn already when I moved back to Ventura, my mainly friend-less hometown; however, this time, it resonated on an even smaller scale: if I have to choose between doing something with an acquaintance vs. doing it alone, I would much rather be alone.

One night under an almost full moon, I decided I would lead my own healing ceremony instead of going out. I brought my crystals, candles, journal, and rapé upstairs to the rooftop of the house I was staying in, feeling quite proud of my fully equipped witchy starter pack. For those who don’t know, rapé (pronounced RAH-pay) is a type of plant medicine made mainly of tobacco. Usually, a pea sized amount of the powdered plant is blown into your nose through a pipe, either by yourself or another person. The first time I did a rapé ceremony was with my brother in Australia, who administered it to me. This would be just my second time using this plant medicine, and the first time from the nasal spray bottle Jesse and Kiki gifted to me.

Prepared with Kleenex and a trash can in case of possible purging, I shot a spray of medicinal tobacco into each of my nostrils and relaxed back into a hammock. The sensation started by feeling like the lights inside my brain suddenly surged on, and then a tingly wave washed down from the top of my body all the way down to my toes. It was very similar to the feeling of adrenaline, except more powerful and also quite dizzying. The mango I ate earlier was all of a sudden no longer welcome in my stomach.

About five to ten minutes passed where I felt nausea and ecstasy at the same time. The urge to yell and clear my throat arose, and I realized I should be using my Voice more, as what I have to say has value. Then, in this state of clarity and heightened awareness, an idea zapped into my mind - weekend retreats for girls. All around me there are retreats offered for adults focused on various spiritual offerings, but why not kids, too?

Whoa.

That was something to think about.

I took out my journal and began agreeing with all those Instagram posts that talk about how the greatest growth is done in solitude

I resolved to do this more often.

So, I gave gratitude to Puerto Escondido for its technicolor sunsets, dreamy beaches, and the ability to party barefoot or in Crocs and flew back to CDMX. There I met one of my best friends from Barcelona who was in Mexico traveling with his partner.

After keeping it relatively chill in terms of partying in Puerto, I was excited to let go in the city. Unfortunately, on our first night out, my phone and wallet were stolen out of my fanny pack.

Aaaarrggg!

WhHyyy, again, when I felt like I was in such a sweet groove, did I have to be punished?

I guess I had mOrE lEsSoNs iN rEsPoNsIbiLItY tO lEaRn, said with my hands on my hips, my mouth pursed, and my eyes glaring.

As any mature adult would.

Fortunately, my community jumped in right away to support me, with a temporary phone to borrow and money to lend. My mom and I worked relentlessly in attempts to get a new phone sent to me from the US before my flight back to Oaxaca, but Mexican customs said “jaja, na”.

So, off I went, back to the coast of Oaxaca, with my iPhone sequestered in CDMX customs, and a Kodak brand phone as my new travel buddy. My next destination: Mazunte, a town a little over an hour south of Puerto Escondido that boasts the title of being one of Mexico’s 132 “Pueblos Mágicos”. It became obvious very quickly that the town was indeed a magical one.

Chapter 5: The Bird Questions Her Reality

Even though I was in Mazunte for just two weeks, it felt like two decades. Some of the beaches there have black sand, due to underwater volcanic eruptions reaching the shore. This meant the sand was literally magnetic, an effect I felt made time pass slower and in a more relaxed way there than anywhere I’d ever traveled to. The town was the perfect size for me: there was one main road, unpaved, that led to the beach with some side streets, little shops, and cafes with palapa style roofs made of palm leaves. A mix of national and international humans exchanged real eye contact and smiles when passing each other on the street. There was a lot to smile about when living in a hippie paradise surrounded by lush, tropical foliage like coconut and banana trees.

In the midst of all this abundance is where the concept of “The Matrix” really entered my consciousness, thanks to conversations with many of the town's eclectic souls. Bear with me as I take a break from the narration of events to share the journey of how Mazunte really brought the red pill / blue pill metaphor to light.

Take my job as an example: Monday - Friday from 11am to 8pm, with the exception of an hour lunch break, I am expected to be in front of a laptop, aka plugged into The Matrix. The rest of the world basically ceases to exist as I listen to the concerns of people on the other line, pressing buttons that cause prescribers to order prescriptions, pharmacists to dispense medication, therapists to attend patients, banks to deposit refunds, etc etc. In this way, if you look at my job with a wide angle lens, I am altering the reality of people thousands of miles away with the sound of my voice and the touch of my fingers against the keyboard. Why? Multiple reasons. Mainly, because it’s my job, so I have been told that if I do so, I will get paid.

To counter, there is more motivation than just money for me in my role. I believe that we deliver services that really are helping people, and I also know that I spread as much love and light into every interaction possible. So, I hold onto the knowledge that I am planting seeds of positivity in the vulnerable hearts of humans seeking mental health services as another reason, apart from money, that I do my job.

Alright, then, now the big question - would I still do this job if I wasn’t paid?

Honestly, no. Or at least for a lot less hours a day.

Aha.

So, what would I like to do? What skills do I possess that I could offer the world if the Matrix ceased to exist?

Feel free to take a break here and join me in one of my daily existential crises.

In that magical town where nobody seems to know what day or time it is, I toyed heavily with the idea of indefinitely powering off my work laptop and surrendering fully to the fate of the Universe. I could teach English at the school there, or online, or something.

But that’s the problem.

I still didn’t have a goal or idea to motivate me enough to take a risk that big.

So, I didn’t take the red pill.

I did not feel ready.

My Kodak Moment, as I referred to my phone, greatly limited my ability to communicate and stay connected to loved ones. My iPhone was still collecting dust in Mexico City’s customs and I wanted my high tech cyborg brain back. Also, I had more travel plans ahead of me that required money, so a steady paycheck and an ever-increasing savings account would help me reach those dreams with ease. So, I continued with my blue pill work routine, choosing comfort over freedom from the Man.

But, with knowledge comes power. Mazunte changed me. I set a goal: Develop skills that would allow me more freedom in how I make a living. Rather than invest time in a company so it could make money, I wanted to invest time in me so I could support myself on my own. For one, I would need a new laptop, as we all know technology is a useful tool for learning and making connections. With that in mind, I decided it would be the easiest and cheapest to work on attaining technological autonomy back home in California. With Thanksgiving on the horizon, I decided that would be a perfect time to go home and be surrounded by sweet, familial love as well as take advantage of the benefits of capitalism.

With some tangible goals set in place, the storm in my mind began to settle down. A compass and a map helps greatly in navigating the ever changing winds of life. However, the journey ahead still lacked clarity. I knew what tools I would search for while at my next port; however, there was still the unanswered question my whole crew was waiting on: Where are we going next?

Chapter 6: The Bird Continues Her Search

My course veered north towards the mountains, with a big chunk of my heart left behind in Mazunte. For the next two weeks, I explored the high elevation towns of San Jose del Pacifico and San Mateo del Rio Hondo. To me, San Jose’s nickname should be “Mushroom Disneyland'' due to the fact that the majority of travelers who go there are seeking to experience psychedelic mushrooms. The knowledge of this practice was originally brought to the town by María Sabina, the famous chamanic healer. With a view of endless mountain ridges, I sat in my room with the sacred medicine and asked for clarity as to what is my life’s purpose, but unfortunately did not get the answers I had hoped for. I did, however, eat some of the best mushroom soup and quesadillas ever, and marveled at the way the clouds gracefully changed form over the endless mountain peaks.

I wished I could change as gracefully as those clouds.

In San Mateo del Rio Hondo, I got to experience a non-touristy mountain town, just 30 minutes away from Mushroom Disneyland. The scenery was also stunning, and I could enjoy them from a cozy cabin that was half the price of what I paid in San Jose and double the amount of space. Also, for the first time in weeks, I could cook in my living space, as where I stayed in Mazunte and San Jose had no kitchens. I enjoyed playing house in my little cabin, buying freshly cooked beans and tortillas from a woman that sold them from her kitchen down the street, and worked outside on my balcony with a view.

Next up on the tour of Oaxaca state was Oaxaca de Juárez, aka Oaxaca city. My first question was: have you ever seen the word “Oaxaca” used 3 times in one sentence? Hehehe ok only joking. My first impression was that it was jarring coming to a city after being held so gently in small towns surrounded by nature. But, reliable Wifi and finally getting my iPhone back were welcome pros.

My intentions going into that leg of the trip were to consume so much mole that it would become my blood type as well as experience all the Día de los Muertos magic possible. It was time to have a break from my intense self reflection and relax a bit.

There was one other city resource I was eager to take advantage of - health clinics. I had decided I wanted to get my IUD removed, for a number of reasons. Since the age of 17, I had been on some form of hormonal birth control. Now, at 28, I was getting the feeling that maybe I wasn't able to find clarity due to being less connected to my body's natural rhythms. I had been learning about how a women's wisdom comes from our womb and I wanted to get in touch with mine. Initially, the lack of having a period excited me when I got my IUD inserted in March 2021 (when I moved back to the US); however, I actually missed my monthly reminder of my feminine power. Being around so many spiritual women who cherished and ritualized their moon cycle also animated my interest to do the same.

Another reason was that when talking to women my age and older, they shared with wild glints in their eyes about feeling their sex drives begin to increase. This is usually the case as we get into our 30's, but I was just not feeling it. I wanted that wild glint, too. And finally, in the simplest of ways, I was excited to return to a body that was 100% natural, for the sake of my own physical health.

In the first week of my stay in Oaxaca, I was connected with a goddess named Marluy I met through the Hermanas Hermosas Oaxaca Whatsapp group when asking for a hairdresser recommendation. During my haircut, I shared my thoughts with her about my IUD, she supported my idea to get it removed, and discussed her own journey. It was the final motivation I needed to schedule an appointment. The very next day, she accompanied me to a clinic where I bid farewell to my Mirena. She held my hand and brought me lentils and a mix of feminine herbs to make tea in case of cramps. What a blessing it was to be supported by a sister in my time of need.

To allow myself time to reconnect with my body, I decided to combine the removal of my IUD with the start of intentional celibacy. This would be quite the new journey for me, as I love casual physical connections, but I was interested in experimenting in something different. Again influenced by other women around me and a podcast episode, the idea of saving my intimacy for myself and only the highest level connection was empowering.

Later on in the month, I was grateful to reunite with my good friend Bailey, who had also decided to leave Mexico City to check out Oaxaca's famous Muertos celebrations. We agreed that Oaxaca’s food reputation lived up to the hype as we explored the wide array of restaurants together. Additionally, the nearby towns are full of natural and cultural allure, and I had a blast exploring it all.

Yet, despite trying to give myself a break, the feelings of frustration and being stuck remained. I was filled with the feeling that I wanted to move forward, like a constant push, but I was unsure of where to direct that energy.

On one of those days when I was feeling extra discouraged, I decided I had to do something to give myself a feeling of hope.

I opened up an application for a working holiday visa in Australia.

That’s how everyone solves their problems, right? Find a new country and make plans to go there? No? Hmm, can’t relate (hehehe).

Anyway, I was granted the visa two days after I sent in the application. This brought me immediate, immense relief, like I had finally found a trail marker after wandering aimlessly for weeks - “This Way: Australia”. A clear option I could use to get myself out of the rut I was in.

Getting the visa was not as entirely spontaneous as it may sound. Ever since learning about the working holiday visa in high school, I knew it was something I wanted to take advantage of before I turned 30, which was approaching. The plan became: explore the remaining regions of Mexico left on my list while continuing to work for Cerebral, then jet off across the globe to a country where the work conditions and pay seemed to be a much healthier balance than my current situation.

In the Land Down Unda, you can actually make a decent salary from just a part time job, a concept completely alien to your average United Statesarian. With more free time, I could take courses, have hobbies, and overall have more than just the weekend to explore my interests. That sounded like a great environment to continue my self discovery mission.

Hilariously enough, that very week, I received an email from the Peace Corps inviting me to serve in the Dominican Republic as a Spanish Secondary School Teacher. Remember back when I moved home from Barcelona, I had applied and interviewed? They stayed in touch by email, asking me once every couple of moons to see that if I wasn’t invited to serve in X country, would I be open to serve in Y, Z, etc country? Always wanting to keep my options open, I would reply “yes, I’ll go anywhere Spanish speaking”. After months of playing this game, it made me want to pull my hair out that I had finally achieved a goal that I worked towards, but at such the wrong time. They gave me just a weekend to make my decision, so even though I felt honored to have been offered this opportunity, it did not spark joy. I checked the “decline invitation” box, sent a thank you email, and moved on. Aaarggg.

On October 28, 2023, the kickoff event of the Día de los Muertos celebration was a free concert in the Plaza de la Danza. During a parade, I linked up with a big group of travelers from a Whatsapp group, and we excitedly walked alongside masked and painted people so gorgeously done up and making all of my Coco movie dreams come to life. Upon arrival at the plaza, we walked through the crowd to find a spot to watch the concert. I reached into my bag to take out my phone, and to my absolute rage, found it had been stolen.

Again.

Not even a month after I got it back from Mexican customs. Someone had cut a slit into the side of my fabric tote bag and taken it out without me feeling a thing.

Now a pro in getting my phone stolen, a kind friend I had made in the city and I went to the police station two days in a row, as I was determined to do everything possible to try to retrieve my expensive rectangular block. They took us to the location as shown on the Find My iPhone app, talked to the neighbors, but were unable to retrieve it. Not much of a surprise, but I had to try. At least this time I knew I would be home soon where I could use insurance to get a replacement. However, it drove me up the wall that the same thing had happened again so soon. Plus I found out I still had to pay a deductible for the insurance, causing me to have to dip into my Australia savings fund.

When are phones going to just be installed into our eyeballs? That should be thief-proof… right?

Anyway, I gave my best wishes that whoever took it was able to provide for themselves and/or family because of it, and that they may one day find a path that brings them self-sustaining financial wealth. The money I lost would come back to me ten fold.

Time to move on.

As I boarded the bus from Oaxaca city to Mexico City, the end of my Tour of Oaxaca State Life Chapter materialized before my eyes. Present turned into the past tense. My eyes welled with emotion and my heart felt so many feelings: amazement, sadness, pride… and gratitude. So much gratitude. August in Puerto Escondido and Mexico City, September in Mazunte and the Sierra Sur mountains, and October in Oaxaca de Juárez. What I was craving more than anything at that moment was family and community. Empowering as it is to depend fully on myself, life is all about balance, and I was ready to go home and let someone else take care of me.

Chapter 7: The Bird is Ready for Some Serious Nest Time

Before flying back to California, I spent a week in Mexico City reconnecting with my community. The process of reflecting upon my months of adventures and growth began as I caught up with beloved friends. Then, it was off to LAX to make it home in time for Thanksgiving. The Beth who was home in July vs the Beth who came home in November felt more centered, more confident, and closer to finding clarity… but still, not quite there.

Patience. I was doing my best to be patient with myself.

Meanwhile, I accepted all of the love and help of my incredible family.

It is a glorious gift to be able to have a safe and nurturing nest to be able to lay down my tired wings.

At home, I called on more than just my family to help guide me to clarity - I also reached out to a professional. Back in Mazunte, my cabin buddy had introduced me to the podcast As Above, So Below, hosted by Cato, a professional astrologer and business coach. I had been wanting to get a reading done for so long but hadn’t found the right person or moment. Once I finished listening to every podcast episode, I knew she was it. I booked the session for the day before Thanksgiving.

To nobody’s surprise, my biggest hope for the reading was to gain insight as to what I should do with my life. As Cato specializes in Evolutionary Astrology, that is one of the main offerings of this way of interpreting charts: to discover what is my soul’s blueprint and life purpose.

If I had to describe the session in three words, they would be Unlock, Recharge, and Inspire.

Hearing her describe my planets, houses, and transits affirmed ideas I had been toying around with as well as lit up new neural pathways. It was like the dark sky was suddenly filled with bright stars, all within touchable distance. Like the cosmos, they were there all along, I was just given the guidance to look up and identify them. After she articulated so many of my innate talents and interests, I felt like I had all the ingredients laid out in front of me. The only question remaining was: what recipe would I choose? (Yes I used two metaphors in one paragraph and yes I’m keeping them both. I’m an Aquarius sun and will rebel against all rules, and a stubborn Taurus rising who will find any excuse to talk about food. Hehehe)

Days after the reading, Cato reached out to me to let me know she was having a Black Friday sale on her upcoming Astrology Course offering. With hardly a second thought, I signed up. It felt perfectly in line with my goal to invest in myself and my passions, one of them having always been astrology. Since it was presented to me so easily in my path, my gut said go for it. TIme to start breaking patterns and doing something new! Excitement fluttered in my heart and fresh doors of opportunity began constructing themselves in my brain.

Other housekeeping items I got done at home was pressing the Reset button on my material belongings to reprogram for a new chapter. I had been lugging around a 50 pound suitcase, duffel bag, and backpack throughout Oaxaca and I was so ready to downsize. It was all too clear that I had been holding on to too much, making it difficult to move - physically, and metaphorically. This time, I mindfully stocked my backpacking backpack with clothes for both hot and cold weather, made the painful decision to leave behind my nail polish collection, and added my newly acquired travel yoga mat and iPad to the set up. Instead of carrying around my markers, colored pencils, crayons, drawing pad, and books, I decided that an iPad would fulfill my artistic desires when they arrived, act as a reader for any book I may want, and be a replacement for my work laptop when the time came to quit my job. The cherries on top were a Swiss army knife keychain and a headlamp, gifted to me by my dad. Never underestimate the value of either of those tools.

After two weeks at home, it was back to LAX . There is a special type of confidence inspired by the feeling of being prepared for anything with just the gear carried on your back. I decided to begin this leg of Mexico travels in a new way: previously, I had booked in advance all the places I stayed in. However, this time, I decided to try something different - stay in a hostel for the weekend and look for a place once I got there.

Why? (a question especially asked by my plan-loving parents)

I wanted to try trusting the Universe.

To do something different to then trigger new outcomes. I was trying to get unstuck, and that would not happen by doing things the same way.

Plus, seeing places in person is way different than online. An added bonus.

After taking the first day to get a lay of the land, do a free walking tour, and get added to a Whatsapp group for housing, my second day in San Cristóbal de las Casas had a clear goal: find a place to rent by the end of the day. That Sunday turned into a real life International House Hunters episode and I had a blast. I visited three apartments, made a little visual of their pros and cons, but in the end, I relied most on my intuition to guide me to make a decision.

Of the three, there was one that stood out. It was a suite style apartment in a compound with a garden and sixteen total units, the majority occupied by young, international humans. As an added bonus, across the street was a community center that hosted donation based dinners every Friday, organized in part by some of the neighbors in my apartment building.

Community.

It came with a built-in community.

Now, wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing to be able to filter for in an apartment searching app?

Happy as a clam, I unpacked my things and began the nesting process. San Cristóbal de las Casas, or San Cris for short, is a Pueblo Mágico in the state of Chiapas, nestled 2,200 m (7,200 ft) up in the mountains. Just like my previous travels, trusted sources had recommended this town for reasons such as its abundant nature, indigenous cultural presence, and spiritual community presence.

In San Cris, I decided that my intention was to stay put. I had realized that as much as I love exploring, it is time consuming to make reservations, figure out buses, be in transit, get settled in a new place, etc etc. Instead, I wanted to use my free time to focus on my own projects.

Do less to do more.

Crisp, sunny days and chilly nights aligned beautifully with my intentions. Cold climates naturally bring out my more hermetic qualities, perfect for the introspection and focus for which I was yearning. Yet, the same frustration bubbled up.

What is my purpose? What am I doing? Where am I going?

Again, and again, and again, these heavy hitting questions flooded my brain, and I was still drowning. Yes, I had my ideas, but I felt like I needed to start making progress and I didn't know where to begin.

I needed fresh air. A new strategy.

A lightbulb clinked on in my brain: I should write about my journey.

Like a hike in the woods, if you realize you are lost, it is not recommended to keep moving forward. Instead, you should either stay where you are, or try to backtrack. Did I feel lost in the woods? Yes. So, maybe if I took the time to map out my past, I could get an idea of where I am now.

Now, isn’t it funny how the expression “we teach best what we most need to learn” is so spot on? I am passionate about mental health and work in the field, yet, I struggle to remember to use the very coping strategies I recommend.

Welp, better late than never.

So, I got to the mission. Every morning before work, I would get out my laptop and start writing. Instead of just journaling about this for my own sake, I decided that sharing my story could help others who might be feeling the same way. As children, we read books that help us learn to share, resolve conflicts, and be a better person. Where are the stories for young adults?

Always loving a good visual aid, the idea of a bird’s journey resonated as a way to structure the long tale I set out to tell.

And here we are now.

Chapter 8: What Happened Once the Bird Finally Stayed Still

Isolating myself during the week to focus on writing and work was easier knowing that on Friday night, I had a reliable plan: walk across the street to the Casa Lab community space for the weekly dinner. This completely erased the usual New Place routine of “how will I make friends? Where should I go? What if I don’t meet anyone and then I waste my time and money?” At Casa Lab, I already knew two of my neighbors would be there. I shared the invitation in the group chat with the rest of my apartment complex as well. And, since it was so close to my home, there was no need to worry about what time I finished work, how to get there, if I would be arriving late, etc, etc. All family style, all close to home, all inclusive. No resistance in sight.

There, I began making connections with people who all chose to eat family style over any other Friday night plan. This meant that we all valued community. With that already in common, I felt more confident that the people I met there were the type of people I wanted to be spending time around.

Just like that, San Cris felt like home. My new friends invited me to movies, dinners, day trips, and even a big family style Christmas (/Hanukkah, hehe) dinner. Even though I was feeling so happy with my community there and my experiment in staying static, months ago I had taken off the first week of January to allow myself to explore Guatemala. I had doubts about going, thinking maybe I should just stay in San Cris to do more writing, connecting, etc, but my gut said no - give yourself this vacation. Chase your dreams. Go be free.

There was also another reason why I wanted to get to know Guatemala: my maternal great grandfather is Guatemalan. Carlos Eduardo Lascoutx Campo was a pilot in the Guatemalan Air Force who planted his seed during a trip to California. My great grandmother, Claudia Rateaver, was not ready for the responsibility of being a mother and put their boy up for adoption. Claud Rateaver became James Dale Macomber upon adoption. My grandfather. After he found out he was adopted, he got in contact with his biological mother Claudia, and developed a passion to trace his biological family. With my grandmother and their four kids, they spent years traveling the world to research and document our family tree. Thanks to that, we have two published books that contain cataloged data of our family roots. No need to sign up for Ancestry.com for my mom’s side of the family!

Pretty incredible, huh? I am in awe of their work and so grateful for the time they took to connect with such long reaching branches of our family tree.

Getting back to the story, before the trip, I did some research as to where I wanted to go in Guatemala and what I wanted to do. I had heard about the overnight trip to the Acatenango Volcano, where you could see the active volcano Fuego erupting at night.

Lava. Real life lava.

My inner child overflowed with delight at the prospect, as little Beth was obsessed with dinosaurs and all types of natural disasters.

Then, someone I met at an Airbnb back in CDMX had told me that Lake Atitlán, the deepest lake in Central America, was a place people flocked to for New Years. Deciding it would be nice to ring in the New Years surrounded by nature, I booked a shuttle to Panajachel, one of the twelve towns that surround the lake.

And that was the end of my plans.

I booked nothing but the transportation there and decided to leave everything absolutely open for the eleven days I had off. To continue my exploration of surrendering to the Universe, I would rely on my intuition to guide me and flow with whatever felt right.

I believe that that was the key that unlocked a trip that gave me more than I could have ever imagined.

Chapter 9: The Bird Discovers a Magic Lake

On the journey to the lake, the people I made friends with in the bus were all going to the same place: the Cosmic Convergence Festival. I had heard of the festival and knew someone from San Cris was going, but it was pretty expensive, and I did not want to commit to anything in advance. However, one of my guiding principles is to be around people I want to be like, so judging from the fact that the people I seemed to vibe with the most on the bus were going to the festival, I decided it was a sign that that is where I should go, too.

Something fascinating I learned from a person I met on the bus, Cozcacuahutli (or Cozcatl for short) from Mexico, is that at the bottom of Lake Atitlán is a submerged Mayan village. Basically a Guatemalan Atlantis. Then, let’s not forget that the lake is bordered by not one, not two, but three volcanoes. That’s a lot of fiery, spiritual energy for one lake.

Upon arrival in Panajachel, Cozcatl and I put our belongings down in a room rented to us by a friend of his. Exhausted from the 13 hour journey across Mexico and Guatemala, we ate dinner, browsed the unbelievably creative and colorful textiles for sale, then called it an early night.

The next morning, we crossed paths with three other people headed to the festival, Joey, Daniella, and Michael. They invited us to join forces and charter a ride directly to Santiago, the town where the festival was held. As we sped across the choppy waters, I got my first daytime view of Lake Atitlán.

I was taken aback.

The three volcanoes seemed to have a humble, graceful presence, kind of like big dog energy: they were aware of their grand beauty and power, but did think themselves better than anyone because of it. As my mouth gaped open, Joey shared that he had manifested some of his greatest dreams at this lake. Zaps of electricity sparked inside me and I felt the magic energy of the lake light me up. Big things were coming, I could feel it.

Exhilarated by the brisk winds of the boat ride, we arrived in Santiago hungry for the next adventure. We parted ways with the three musketeers and bumped our way in a tuk tuk across cobblestones and dirt roads to the festival entrance. Cozcatl met up with some friends of his and after setting up the tent and painting our faces, I was eager to check out this new environment on my own. While walking around, a woman announced the beginning of a self defense workshop, so I took that as my opportunity to separate myself from the group. Immersing myself in all that the festival had to offer began.

At the workshop, I connected with a woman who had been given a big tent in the artist’s camping section to stay in, as she was going to step in and play drums for a band in need. She offered to share her tent with me, which I gratefully accepted, as Cozcatl’s tent would have been a little snug for two. Once my sleeping situation was settled, I was in need of some alone time, so I found a path to the water and took out my journal.

I closed my eyes and breathed, in and out deeply.

I felt the brisk air fill my lungs and after a few moments, reopened my eyes.

Somehow, I was at a music festival on a lake with a sunken ancient town at the bottom and volcanoes all around. I felt deep gratitude for the ability to be alive in such a special place and thanked myself for all the work I did to bring me there. It was December 30th, 2022 and time to set intentions for the New Year.

When pen hit the paper, the difference between writing my intentions for 2022 and for 2023 was clear: this time, I wrote detailed, specific goals. Instead of just “work hard on passion projects”, I specified that I wanted to write in my blog at least once every three months, host one storytelling event, etc. Manifesting my dreams using the magic of the lake inspired me, and I felt the beauty surrounding me seep into my every cell.

I soaked it up like a sponge.

I became as present as possible, consciously anchoring myself in that moment so I could later come back to that feeling whenever I may desire.

Inspired by the idea of using the lake’s mystical energy to manifest my own dreams, I decided to open up about some of the concepts I had been developing and see what it felt like to share them. With surprising speed, the Universe ushered people who mirrored my state of consciousness into my path: astrologers, female program leaders, community builders. When I shared my ideas with them, I was met with encouragement, praise, and offers to stay in touch. Co-creating with people who want to do the same things as me or are already doing them was an ingredient I had overlooked, and definitely now added to the recipe.

I also found that the more vocal I became about my intentions, the more energy of support I felt. People really listened to my ideas and gave me valuable feedback. Each new perspective was like shining a new light on an idea, so that little by little, the beginning embryonic stage of my dreams began to form recognizable shapes, colors, textures, movement, smells, and sounds. Clarity. It was all coming together.

In these moments, I began to understand why people use the phrase “to birth an idea”. My long period of preparation was necessary and natural, and now I was starting to feel the first thrilling kicks of life.

After the festival, I spent three nights in San Marcos la Laguna, another town on the lake. This was the most spiritual of them all and became sort of the after-party of the festival - in the drum circle, medicine songs type of way. Just minutes after disembarking the speed boat, I was walking up "Hippie Highway" - aka the main pedestrian path of the town - and was approached by a muscular, handsome Italian man, asking "Do you need a hostel?" It was love at first sight - with San Marcos, I mean. Immediately I was welcomed into a sweet hostel with a garden, outdoor kitchen, and a two story house equipped with plenty of comfy beds.

Exhausted after my nights of camping in the cold at the festival, I dropped anchor on one of the beds and connected to Wifi for the first time in days. Some long minutes of scrolling later, I heard the door open, and my Italian host Eduardo had caught another homeless fish from the stream. The fish's name was Dario, from Costa Rica, and somehow full of energy despite the fact that he had also attended the festival. He promptly asked me if I had eaten yet, which I hadn't, and informed me we could go together once he had a shower. Ah yes, those two basic needs I needed to accomplish. Saved by this cheerful angel, I lugged myself off the bed to feel hot water on my body for the first time since arriving in Guatemala and go off in search of sustenance with my new friend.

In our hostel with no name, Dario and I soon added Klas and Amanda, a couple from Sweden who had also been at Cosmic, to our happy family. It makes me laugh that I lived in Sweden for nine months but had to go all the way to Guatemala to actually make Swedish friends. Being around these kindhearted souls was like tying the bow on the festival experience. We cooked together, explored together, shared dreams together, and laughed together - lots and lots of laughing.

I bid them a temporary goodbye, because I still had one last thing I had to do: climb the Acatenango Volcano. Through a tour company in San Marcos, I was able to arrange transportation from the lake to Antigua, where I would link up with the group I'd do the hike with. My group turned out to just be myself and a Costa Rican couple, who were pleasant but not too talkative, and we were taken by a driver to our local guide's house. There, we met Jorge and his family, who provided us with a packed lunch, water, and walking sticks (I already had a headlamp, remember? Just had to point that out. Ok, back to the story). We were then whisked off to the base of the volcano to began the steep, uphill climb. Five hours of huffing, puffing, peeling layers on and off, a stop for lunch, and countless breaks later, we arrived to base camp on the side of the volcano. It was time for a nap. When night arrived, the temperature plummeted and the wind soared, but that is when the active volcano Fuego begins to erupt. About every half an hour to hour or so, if you are watching at the right moment, the volcano explodes and you can see lava trickle down in little vein-like rivers. Bucket list item completed: see lava in real life.

Throughout the night, it was exhilarating being awakened by the boom of wind from the eruption. The air would slam into the plastic walls of our camp and we could feel the ground shake. After the boom, the clashing sound of rocks sliding down its gravely body always followed. In a way, I was reminded of sleeping next to the ocean, except instead of waves, it was lava, rocks, and smoke causing the sounds. Definitely the most extreme camping experience I've ever had. That night, the winds were too strong to be able to safely attempt the optional nocturnal hike to Fuego. It was something I would have wanted to do; however, the freezing temperatures and the state of fatigue I was in also welcomed the opportunity to sleep instead.

In the morning, we awoke to a gorgeous sunrise. It is curious how Fuego's lava becomes shy during the day, emitting only clouds of black smoke. Once we finished breakfast, we all agreed we wanted to do the final optional hike to the top of Acatenango. Reaching the top of the 13,041 ft (3,976 m) summit was one of the most difficult physical experiences I have ever paid and willingly chosen to be put through (humans are so insane), but worth it. I mean, I can't say I climbed almost all the way to the top.

If 2023 started with me sleeping next to an active volcano and climbing to the top of an even higher dormant one, what will I be able to accomplish with the rest of the year? Achieving that will be my reminder that with a clear goal, proper preparation, endurance, and determination, I will be able to make more dreams come true. The only limit is my imagination.

Chapter 10: The Bird Prepares to Hatch Some Eggs

I had been pushing myself so hard to find answers, I had gotten stuck in my mind. When I dropped down into my heart and intuition, it was like everything shifted into place.

Once I paused to consider what I already knew how to do, I realized how many talents and how much experience I have. I had been allowing society’s conditioning messages that I needed to pursue a Master’s, or find a high paying position with ample benefits, or work extra hard to climb the corporate ladder as the only outlets to further my professional life. That was what was making me feel stuck. Perhaps in a previous generation, those were the options. A set in stone formula that rigidly demanded all people should evolve in the same way.

Well, all people are not the same.

When I allowed myself to imagine and dream big, that was where I finally found a path that lit up my insides.

Astrology.

Community building.

Working with teenage girls, their moms, and their grandmas in education and recreation.

Creating something.

Since what society presented to me did not resonate, I realized that I have to create my own path.

Duuuh, I’m an Aquarius Sun, Mars, and Venus. I can’t do anything like anyone else. I am here to innovate, rebel, and change the world - not follow anyone else’s rules.

So, now what?

Time to take action.

Day by day, I am going to take steps that will bring me closer to my goals.

January 18th, 2023 was the start of the Astrology Course that I signed up for back on Black Friday. By the end of this course, I will possess the astrological knowledge and business strategies to be able to become a professional astrologer.

That is my short term professional goal.

My long term professional goal came to me when I sat with rapé on the rooftop in Puerto Escondido. The initial seed that sprouted was a general idea: I wanted to create some kind of outside of school, wellness retreat-style program for girls. Since that initial bloom, the vines have been slowly and steadily creeping throughout my body, forming more and more connections until I now have a living, breathing goal rooted deep within me.

I want to create a program for teenage girls to come together, form sisterhood, learn about essential life topics not taught in school, combine generations, and have fun while doing it. There is such a need for more spaces for girls and women to connect, everywhere in the world, so we can share knowledge, support each other through our highs and our lows, and create community - for all, without sports, politics, religion, culture, etc being at the center.

Creating this program would use every single one of my talents and experiences to form something that I see that our world lacks. At the end of this post, I’ll share more about this, for anyone interested.

Excitement buzzes through my body just to talk about it.

And there you have it.

My life journey over the past 10 years.

What it’s taken for me to finally find clarity. For the first time ever, I feel like I know who I am and my purpose in life. (At this moment, at least)

And it’s only just beginning.

In astrology, there is an important transit called a Saturn return, which usually takes place between the ages of 27 and 30, caused by Saturn returning to the same position it was when you were born. During this time, you will be forced to face the areas of your life that you may have previously ignored, as Saturn represents topics like maturity, hard work, accountability, and adulthood. The opportunity is to get serious about what your legacy is and take responsibility, or resist and continue playing it small. If you choose the latter option, when your Saturn return comes around a second time 30 years later, you will have the same problems to face.

Well, I am fully immersed in my Saturn return and am choosing to embrace it. I have suffered from being constantly wrought with thoughts of “Am I doing what I’m really supposed to be doing?” and answering no, time and time again. However, growth is uncomfortable, so out of this discomfort I am now finally feeling like I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am ready to make the changes in my life to close the first chapter and welcome in a beautiful transformation into adulthood. I am thrilled with the possibilities that await me and am committed to working hard to achieve them. A message I received at the magical lake in Guatemala was that there is no time to play small. We must dream big, as the universe is counting on each and every one of us to do what we can to restore love and light into the world. I am taking that energy into 2023 and sharing my intentions so that I will be held accountable.

My hope is that by sharing my journey, others may resonate and gain comfort in knowing they are not alone in feeling lost, or ready for a big change. We must rise together to create the New World of our dreams. It is possible, but only through a collective shift. And that is happening.

So, that is what I’ve been doing :-)

♡ The End ♡

More About my Program Idea and Inspiration

Ever since my first job as a Camp Counselor at my temple’s summer camp, I've been searching for ways to make that position last throughout the year. Hence the reason I chose to study the Youth Work and Out of School Time concentration in my Child and Adolescent Development degree, as I knew I wanted to do something with kids, just not in school.

After years of working different jobs with children, I was feeling unbalanced, as I also had many other passions that tugged at my heart. I would love to study art, or nutrition, or plants, or yoga, or tour guiding, or therapy. The idea of picking just one stressed me out.

So… why not combine them all?

The solution: a program focused on girls and women to come together, form community, and empower the feminine uprising currently occurring on our planet. And make it fun, of course.

I want to take the best parts of the activities I grew up with that helped shape me, as well as what I have learned as an adult that I wish I knew as a kid.

One inspiration comes from the YMCA program I did growing up called Adventure Guides (previously Indian Guides, before PC culture emerged), similar to Girl/Boy Scouts. I was in a father daughter “tribe” that would meet once a month at a different member’s house to do arts and crafts, eat snacks, and always ended with a ritual that for each life event passed, we would receive a specific colored bead to add onto our necklace. Additionally, twice a year, all of the Adventure Guides tribes would gather for a weekend camping trip. Everyone would bring supplies not only for themselves, but also to contribute to communal meals, and of course prepare a skit to be presented around the fire on the last night of the weekend. All of this, in hindsight, was teaching me how to camp, survival skills, and intergenerational, communal living.

Another huge inspiration comes from my Jewish upbringing. I have so much gratitude for being raised in the Jewish community it’s hard to know where to begin. Despite what may come to mind when imagining an organized religion, Temple Beth Torah’s influence taught me to be open minded, humanitarian, spiritual, culturally aware, and outspoken. In the Torah, we are commanded to do “mitzvot”, or good deeds - not to get into Heaven or avoid Hell (Jews don’t have either of these beliefs); rather, just because it is the right thing to do. If you combine that with our long (and continued) history of persecution, this produces a person who really honors the value of helping others, no matter their background. Highlights from my Jewish education include social action projects, guided meditations during youth led services, organizing overnight raves in our temple for other Southern California Jewish high school youth groups to attend (yes, you read that right), and sweaty song sessions where we would belt our hearts out to “Wonderwall” accompanied by a throng of acoustic guitar wielding teenagers (looking back, some of the songs we sang were medicine songs that I continue to hear around healing ceremony fires). And, coincidentally, the Jewish high school youth group organization I was a part of, NFTY, also gave beads to add to your necklace for each event attended. Very tribal to use a decorative, visual system to determine someone’s status in life.

So, the dream is to form an intergenerational community and invite teachers of different disciplines to share their knowledge about subjects not commonly covered in the educational system. This is what I mean by the things that I wish I had learned when I was younger. My hope would be that early exposure to a wide variety of topics could lead to something sparking the interest of the participants, later turning into a roaring flame of passion and leadership.

PS - if you know someone doing something like this, have an idea, or want to somehow contribute, please message me! Co-creation is the best kind of creation ♡

Afterword

It has been a grounding and humbling experience converting my journey to words. This began as an exercise for myself to figure out what I’m doing. Thanks to my therapist pointing out that I am a visual learner, she suggested I draw or write out my life path, then add branches of ideas of where I could see it going. This is my interpretation of that suggestion, and wow am I proud of the hard work I put into it. I had been feeling like nobody really knows what I’ve been up to, seeing as I’m constantly moving around and interacting with new people that just know bits of my story. Then, I also realized, I don’t even fully know what I’ve been doing, as I haven’t given myself much time to stop, reflect, and think about how I want to move forward.

By pulling out the internal threads and weaving them into an external piece, I finally can put the finished work on the table and say “Look! This is me”. Now that I’ve made sense of my past and validated my experiences, I feel confident in charting the next course. I know where I’ve been and now I know where I want to go.

As a final anecdote, I was fortunate enough to experience the powerful Bufo medicine in a healing ceremony recently. When I returned to my body, I walked away from the group to give myself space, and immediately my eyes were drawn to a nest in a tree. Immediately, I thought about this story and felt grateful that the universe gave me such a clear sign. Synchronicity is so beautiful.

To conclude, I would love for anyone to reach out about anything this post might have stirred up inside you. Maybe you resonate with something, have questions, or share a common goal - whatever it may be, send me a message.

Thank you so much for reading and witnessing me on my journey. I love and appreciate you.

♡♡♡

1 note · View note

thesunicarusfellfor · 3 years

Note

Hello!! Do you think you could do a part 2 of my request? An maybe a lil bit of angst with fluff where the reader comes to the mansion crying because someone hurt them?( Maybe techno or dream? Possibly jack manifold? 👀) Hopefully that's ok I just love the way you write it's so good plus it makes my day whever I read :D hopefully your day or evening is going good

imhereforfan-fic : Omg can you do another yandere tubbo x reader x yandere ranboo romantic relationship please? Maybe where they get kidnapped by the dream team? Oh and adding on to my request can it also have some cuddling towards the end haha I’m touch starved and crap lol but can it a full length fic Okay okay okay. So. I'm so damn happy people loved this fic and I got two requests that I can easily add together. I hope neither of you minds too much having your requests mixed together ^^ I deadass wanna cry from how many positive reviews I've received from Too Sweet. ALSO. I'm a little wary of making romantic fics for characters Ranboo and Tubbo so I'm gonna play with the platonic marriage, just making it really fluffy and affectionate. PS: THIS ISNT AS FLUFFY AS I WANTED IT TO BE SOOOO OOOOPS. AAAAND. TOMMY ONLY TOOK ONE OF DREAM'S LIVES IN THE FINAL DISC WAR

LIKELY TO HAVE MANY ERRORS DUE TO BAD WIFI AND LACK OF SLEEP TW: Knives (+injuries that come from knives), kidnapping, taking of canon lives, Dream being power-hungry, minor panic attack, referenced strangulation.

Part One

Too Sweet (For This World) Yandere!C!Ranboo x F!Reader x Yandere!C!Tubbo Part 2

A few months had passed since you had moved into the mansion and some... How ended up involved in Ranboo and Tubbo's marriage, as well as being Michael's mother. At first, you were quite unsure about being a wife or a mother, but you saw how happy you had made the three boys and realized how happy they made you in return. In the beginning, neither of them wanted you leaving the mansion much without either of them, but then Ranboo started to notice small and minor declines in your physical and mental health. This caused him to panic and study your symptoms for a few days straight, to the point where you didn't see him once and you were genuinely scared he had lost his canon lives to the point where you kept checking your right wrist constantly for the message confirming Ranboo's death. But thankfully you never got it. When he had figured out what was causing your health to be less than absolutely perfect, he had spoken to Tubbo about letting you out of your room more often and getting you the sunlight you needed. It took a little bit to convince him, but once the goat hybrid learned that you could, or even would, become a lot sicker, he decided to allow you to go outside without them, as long as you stayed within Snowchester. You met a man the first few days you were out, who wore white glasses with blue and red lenses, and a headset with a mic, although he ran away from you the second you introduced yourself as Ranboo and Tubbo's (platonic) wife. Foolish had quickly become your friend around the same time though, which caused Tubbo and Ranboo to be a little unsure because of how he made you laugh and smile, but they noticed how you always kept him at arm's length with friendship and almost physically. Sure you didn't mind too much when he gave you a friendly side hug or pat on the head etc, but you were never really the one to initiate the contact unless you had to. Thankfully he didn't mind your awkwardness around strangers, trust issues, or lack of social exposure, so Ranboo and Tubbo didn't have to threaten a literal god. After saying goodbye to Michael for the day and putting him down for his nap, you got dressed into something more appropriate for travelling the snowy lands that Tubbo owned. Ranboo had to go to a Syndicate meeting, and Tubbo was working more on some buildings around Snowchester, saying something about prepping things to attack Dream who apparently escaped from prison? Not sure could've been rumoured or could be true? You had no clue honestly. You trusted Ranboo and Tubbo to protect you. The crackling of a few pine branches caused you to lift your eyes from the icy water below to turn your head. Walking out of the bushes were three men and one woman, pushing their way through the branches decorated with freshly fallen snow. One of the men was your crown-wearing platonic husband, although dressed up in an outfit you had never seen before, although not too far off from his normal get-up. Ranboo had a long black cape with golden edges and a high collar, held up together by a golden chain. His vest was now a deep royal purple with an eye of ender pin clasped on his tie, and his pants were half purple half black with golden designs sewn in. Beside him was a short female with shoulder-length pink hair and nicely done dark purple and black makeup. Her outfit consisted of a thick and warm lavender sweater with dark purple pants. On her hip was an enchanted netherite sword with a diamond-encrusted handle. You were quick to recognize her as Niki Nihachu, the baker who had lived in L'Manberg, but you hadn't heard much of her since the Pogtopia war. Off to the side, was a man you recognized easily as you had only seen him a few days ago when Ranboo invited him to see Michael, Philza Minecraft. His outfit wasn't too different from what he used to wear when he was a resident in the country, except for the black and gold cape and a black mask covering the bottom of his face. Then... The sight of the final male was the one to make you visibly react. A tall and buff male with a golden encrusted netherite

chest plate and a velvet red cape with gold accents as well. There was a rather majestic crown on top of his long braided pink hair and his dark eyes were narrowed behind a set of cracked glasses... His gaze pointing directly at you. Technoblade. Giving a shaky gasp, you stood up from your spot on the edge of the dock and turned to face the visitors. "Where's Tubbo," Techno growled softly, watching as you visibly trembled under his gaze. "Techno, mate. You're scarin' the hell outta her." Phil put his hand on his middle son's shoulder before stepping in front of him, blocking him from your gaze. "Hey, (Y/n), can you tell us where Tubbo is? We just have to ask him some things." "I'm here." An almost unfamiliar voice came from beside you before a hand was placed on your shoulder. When you looked over, you saw the goat hybrid with the coldest look you had seen him wear yet. "(Y/n), please, head into the mansion." Without another glance at the piglin hybrid, you quickly scurried towards the wooden mansion, faintly hearing the worried buzzing noises of your enderman husband in the distance before you slammed the large door shut. You almost ran towards your's or Michael's room in the basement, but then realized if any of them saw you heading down there, Michael's safety could be compromised. So, you quietly sat down in the living room and curled up on the couch, trying to keep your breathing stable as you fought to keep your mind off of the fact that the man who had almost killed you was standing a few feet outside the door of your home. You pinched your eyes shut and wrapped your arms around yourself, trying your best to simulate the hugs you would usually receive from your platonic husbands after a nightmare or a panic attack. ".../n)." "../n)!" "...(Y/n)!" With a terrified gasp, you flung your arms above your head to shield yourself from any oncoming attacker but only felt a gentle touch on your knee. It took a few seconds to muster up your courage, but you slowly brought your arms down and opened your eyes to come face to face with Tubbo, who immediately sat beside you and wrapped his arms around your shaking frame. After an hour or so with your face buried into Tubbo's shoulder, you felt another pair of arms wrap around you, causing you to look up and see Ranboo burying his face into your hair, "I'm so sorry... So sorry... I didn't think they would come to Snowchester..." You murmured a small, "it's okay," to him as you sat up a bit to return the hug for a few moments. Tubbo got up, murmuring something about going to get you a snack and a glass of water, knowing you must've been hungry or thirsty from panicking. After a few moments, Ranboo let go of you and briefly explained that Phil had given him some potions to help Michael adapt to the overworld, and he needed to give them to him. He rested his forehead against yours affectionately for a few seconds before turning towards the bookshelf and walking down the set of hidden stairs after opening the secret door. Once he shut it, you shuddered and rubbed your arms to get rid of the cold chill that had suddenly washed over you. Frowning slightly, you looked around for the source of the sudden cold, only to freeze as you saw the door cracked open, allowing the snow and cold wind to slip in. Ranboo wouldn't have left the door open... "Sorry kid." A deep and growly voice came from behind you, causing you to spin around and come face to face with Technoblade. The tall tusked male watched your expression go from confusion to horror in less than seconds, "It's nothing personal. Really. I just got a favour to pay off." A scream of terror escaped your lips before everything went black. "Hey, Michael!" Ranboo crouched down to greet the small zombie piglin child as he held a few potions of varying colours in his long arms, he set them and a thermos filled with a hot drink down on the table. "I got some new drinks for you to try today! Philza made them a little extra sweeter than last time." The small child squealed and made small tippy tap noises with his

hooves against the quartz flooring before he sat on the chair. He watched as his tall father sorted through the bottles carefully before uncorking one of the light red ones. Before he could pick up the small pipette, there was an almost unearthly shriek that came from the top of the stairs. "(Y/n)!" Ranboo screamed, unintentionally startling Michael, but that wasn't his main concern as he sprinted out the door then teleporting up the stairs and pushing the bookshelf door with his sword drawn and gleaming with enchantments. In his peripheral vision, he saw Tubbo dash out of the kitchen with his axe drawn and bloodlust in his eyes. Glancing around, the only thing the two men spotted was moonlight and snow spilling through the open door. Tubbo ran out without a second thought and screamed your name at the top of his lungs as he spun around, searching for any sort of sign that would give away your location. Ranboo decided to start looking around the mansion, even though part of him grasped that you wouldn't have screamed without reason. "She's gone..." Tubbo whispered, standing in the doorway, the moonlight creating a dark shadow over his wide eyes. "Footprints are leading to and away from the house, but they disappear on the docks..." Ranboo stayed still, a violent growling noise bubbling up in his throat before escaping past his lips as both his eyes turned purple. He threw his head back and took a breath to scream all his anger out, but froze upon hearing sad whimpering. He turned his head and saw Michael standing at the top of the hidden stairs, whimpering and shaking quite violently. There was part of Ranboo that refused to move, but his brain seemed to flick onto autopilot as he walked over to the child and picked him up. "Sorry... Michael... Something happened..." "Mama?" "...Mama... Won't be home for a while..." "Wake up!" A voice growled before something sharply came in contact with your cheek, shaking you awake. Your eyes shot open and came into contact with... A smiley face? "Aha... Sleeping Beauty graces us with her gaze. It's about damn time." A harsh grip landed on your jaw, making you realize there was a dull throbbing pain in your head. "Huh... Dre... Dream..?" You whispered, barely recognizing the white mask that helped destroy your home and turn it into nothing but a crater. "W-What?" His mask was lifted up enough to the point where you could see his mouth curved up into a sadistic smile. "You, my darling pawn, are just the piece I needed to make life easier for me... I just need to raise the stakes enough for them to be... Well... Stakes. I'm sure you understand." You went to move your hand to slap the gloved hand away from your face, only to give a small whine of pain as you felt a tight pinching on your wrists, making you realize that they were shackled together and likely chained to a wall. "What are you talking about you psychop- Ah!" He tightened his grip on your face to the point where you knew there would eventually be dark bruising. "I don't think you're in a position to be calling the king any names, pawn." Screams and shrieks of pain bounced off of the blank stone walls as the two people standing outside of the door put their heads down with their eyes closed. "You still sure he's doing the right thing, George? Are you still sure... He's the good guy in this story?" "You know better than to question him, Nick." "Don't call me that."

(Y/n) (L/n) was slain by Dream using Nightmare. Life: 2/3 (Y/n) (L/n) suffocated while trying to fend off Dream. Life: 1/3

"He just took two of an innocent woman's three lives. Just to use her as a hostage to make Tubbo hand over the nukes and to force Ranboo to follow his orders... He's a stranger, George. This isn't Dream anymore... Don't be stupid." Sapnap lowered his right arm that he read the messages off of and looked in the direction of his former best friend. The screams of agony were almost haunting as they echoed through Snowchester as silence fell down upon the entire Dream SMP. Shock slipped through the veins of everyone who read the message that appeared on their right wrists. - "I'm gonna kill him..." "I'm going to activate the nukes..." - "Techno... What did you do." "I owed him a favour. What he does after that is none of my business." - "...Isn't that Tubbo and Ranboo's wife?" "Yeah... She was my friend..." - "Tubbo's definitely not happy about this..." - "Ah... Atta girl..." Dream murmured in a mock soothing voice as he gently dragged his knife threateningly along your cheek. "Y'know... You would look better... With a smile." He leaned closer to you, the drawn-on eyes of his mask staring into your dull and tear-filled eyes as a stinging pain came from the corner of your lips. "Sh, sh, Relax... They're just shallow cuts, they won't even leave a scar. I'm not a monster." Time had passed quickly, but also excruciatingly slowly. You had no clue how long you had been down here, or how long you had been dead in between respawns. Dream just didn't seem to be leaving you alone. "Now..." He flipped the switchblade closed and threw it in his pocket before tremours shook the earth below and around you. "What the fUCK?!" He growled deeply before the door slammed open. "How did they even find this place!?" The door was blown off its hinges with a loud bang, causing Dream to duck out of the way of the flying piece of scrap. Light flooded into the room as you shut your eyes tightly, your ears ringing from the explosion. Once your eyes got a little bit adjusted, you opened them and saw five figures in the newly widened doorway. "Let's just say... It was an anonymous tip." "Sapnap?! You dare betray me?!" The black-haired male fell silent as he turned around and walked out, putting his hand on the shoulder of the tallest silhouette in the doorway as he walked by. Once you got completely used to the new light, you began to recognize the figures. Tommy, Tubbo, Foolish, and Ranboo. Tommy, Tubbo and Ranboo immediately ran forward and started a barrage of attacks on the masked psychopath while Foolish ran over and began to work on the chains binding you to the chair. After getting them off of you, he silently picked you up as you turned your head to look at the blond, brunet and monochrome boys. Dream's mask got knocked off and was thrown across the room as he was pinned below a growling Ranboo, whose skin looked almost purely black from your angle. Tommy was off to the side, rummaging through Dream's equipment, he already got his revenge when Dream was put into prison, this was Ranboo and Tubbo's revenge now.

"̷̛̲̪͝Ỳ̵̧̖͒̉o̸̟̔̆û̶̩̟̍͊'̸̧̺̎̉ṟ̷̰͘ế̴͍̰̎ ̶̤͆̎̒g̶̭̋̇o̸͍̐͑i̸̼̟̾ņ̷͊̈́̈́ĝ̷̰̤̈́ ̵̘̉t̵͖͠ȯ̸͎ ̴͎̐̈́r̸̰͙̾̑͝e̸͚͌͑g̴̛̗̦͑ř̷̳̳̱e̵̲̿̕ṫ̶̨͓͗ ̷̢͊E̷̬̪͒͊͂V̷̟̒͝Ë̸̜R̷͐̄̏ͅ ̶̲̟̤͗͋t̴̝̎o̵̖̐ư̴̞̾̇c̶̡̙̐h̵̹̜̣̒͂̂į̴̙̤͠n̴̤̼̻̅̚ǧ̵̹̙̌͜ ̵̥̞̏m̶̱̳̦͗̌y̴̱̮͒̒̄ ̶̮̈͑͆f̸͉̽̄à̵̹͠m̵͕̓̅͋í̸͇̩͔̿l̷̰̫̳͗͑y̸̡͌̊́.̶͓̇͝"̸̡͆ ("You're going to regret EVER touching my family.") Ranboo hissed lowly before he and Tubbo began applying weight to the sword pressed against the speedrunner's chest. You shut your eyes tightly for a moment before you felt a bottle press into your hands, causing you to re-open your eyes to see Foolish trying to hand you a healing potion. You eagerly took a small sip from it, feeling the small slices on your cheeks form back together and the pain from the bruises around your neck vanishing completely.

Dream was slain by Ranboo and Tubbo using Ranord

There was a clattering noise before two sets of footsteps running in your direction. Slowly tilting your head in their direction, you saw Tubbo with dark bags under his eyes and Ranboo with plenty more scars on his cheeks from tears. You were pulled from Foolish's arms and brought down to sitting on Tubbo's and Ranboo's laps, their arms completely wrapped around you. The goat hybrid was nuzzled under your chin while the enderman's face was buried in your hair. "We should have come sooner..." "We shouldn't have even left you alone in the mansion..." "I'm sorry... I should have never left the manor..."

#tubbo x reader #yandere tubbo x reader #ranboo x reader #yandere ranboo x reader #mcyt x reader #yandere mcyt x reader #mcyt #ranboolive #ranboo #tubbo #dream smp #dsmp #ranboo dsmp #ranboo dreamsmp #tubbo dsmp #tubbo dreamsmp #tubbo mcyt #ranboo mcyt

1K notes · View notes

atsuwiee · 3 years

Text

accidentally confessing to your bestfriend! enhypen.

because, this actually happened to me irl- they ended up liking me back as well so this scenario (?) is purely based on what happened to me lmaoo

warnings: i think i put in some swear words- and slight angst on jay's part lol

also this is kinda long so be rEadY ?? anyways enjoy wie woo

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

heeseung

it was a normal weekend hangout at your place with heeseung, though he had noticed you were acting a bit strange when he arrived. both of you were at your room and your eyes were glued to your phone, thumbs moving at a fast pace, while heeseung was on the floor playing a video game alone. for the longest time you've had a crush on heeseung and you had planned on telling him countless of times but you didn't know when to- while texting your other friends about him and them persuading you to go on and tell him now- you feel your phone get grabbed out of your hands. "hey give me that!" you say as you reached for your phone only to be pushed back into the bed (playfully) by heeseung. "you're texting your crush, aren't you?" he said playfully as he kept your phone out of reach. "shut up and give it back, lee heeseung!" heeseung didn't listen to you at all instead he got on top of and started to tickle your sides. "tell me who! and i'll stop" he said as he got closer to your face, slowly the redness of your cheeks become evident. "as if!" you scoff as he continued to tickle you. "gosh, okay, okay! heeseung it's you!" you say in between laughter only for this to stop when you realized what you had just said. "i- okay i didn't mean that-" you say as you cover your mouth. "you like me?" "yeah dumbass-" you were cut off by his lips that pressed onto your cheek. "i like you too, cutie"

jay

playing the famous game never have i ever with jay at a literal ungodly hour, out of boredom, you both had been going back and forth at each other for any potential blackmail material you (both) could use. jay paused for a little longer than usual, trying to formulate his question. "aw, did you run out of questions?" you teased him. "no- oh i got one!" he says excitedly. "this is going to be such a cliché question but, never have i ever fallen in love with my bestfriend" jay said with a cheeky smile. "i want to hear your answer first" you say, trying to hide whatever you might spill out of your mouth. "never" he said, this only made your heart ache knowing he doesn't even like you back. "uh-" you paused for a bit making jay raise a brow "what? cat got your tongue?" he said in a playful tone. "well, i have... never..." you say while avoiding eye contact. "are you lying?" he asked as he got closer to your face. "me? lying? why would i be lying about having a crush on..." "crush on?" he asked, prodding into your attempted lie. "you" you say out loud. "you have a crush on me?" jay asked he distanced himself a bit from you. "yeah jongseong, so what? you don't even like me back" you say as you stood up. "i wasn't supposed to tell you until i was ready" you say. "i'm sorry" jay apologized. when you had left, jay wanted to tell you that he really liked you back- but how could he? he said "never" when he actually had a crush on his bestfriend.

jake

jake continued on and on, discussing about the topics you were struggling in physics. you had called him over to tutor you, but when he came to your aid, it appears you had gotten more distracted and jake noticed this as he saw you writing on your journal instead of taking a look at your notes and your textbook. "hey, y/n, are you even listening?" jake said while he snapped his fingers in front of you. "yeah, i am-" you said and quickly looked up from your journal. jake nodded and continued but once he did, your head was in your journal again- eyes glued to whatever you were writing. "okay, clearly you aren't listening, give me that-" he said as he grabbed your journal out of your hands. "i am listening!" you protest, jake was curious on what you were writing so he took a look. "i think i can't focus because of him... why am i even in love with him? wait- you're in love with me?" he asked as he pointed to himself. "stop reading that!" you say as you grabbed your journal out of his hands. your cheeks grew red, and you were quick to grab your textbook to cover your flustered face. you could hear jake giggle and moved the textbook from your face, he kisses your forehead softly and smiles. "well now we got that clarified- shall we continue, y/n?"

sunghoon

"are you free today?" sunghoon asked. "well, i'm not doing anything at the moment so, i guess i'm free today- also are you alright? you sound sad" you say hinting out the tone of his voice. "i just feel tired..." he says. "so uh- do you want to go to the amusement park with me?" he asks. "didn't you say you were tired? you need rest" "please? i just want to unwind with you for a bit" you then said yes later on to his offer. "okay meet you there in twenty minutes" you said as you hung up on the phone so you could get ready. both of you were having fun on the rides and games- not until he pointed to the rollercoaster and practically begged you to go on it. "i-" "pleasee, i'll hold your hand if you're scared" he said with a smile, you couldn't resist this man so both of you went on it. sunghoon knows nothing about your fear of heights so when the ride was about to drop from it's peak you held his hand tightly shouting "i fucking hate rollercoasters- i also wanted you to know i love you a lot, hoon, like a lot lot-!" sunghoon had heard everything and held tight onto your hand. after the ride you both had sat down on a bench. "did you mean what you said?" he asked then faced you, your face growing pinkish. "ah so you heard it... yeah i meant everythi-" you were cut off by his soft lips pressed on yours. "i just wanted you to know i love you too, like a lot, y/n"

sunoo

it was a normal afternoon for you both, sunoo was seated on the couch while you lay down placing your head on his lap, he played with your hair while you played a game on your phone. sunoo brushing your hair with his fingers and at times he'd braid some strands of it too. you were starting to get bored from your game and decided to exit the app to go onto your social media, but sunoo was watching and something on your screen caught his eye. "is that me on your homescreen?" he asked and you were quick to put your phone against your chest. "uh, what?" you asked trying to act clueless. "you used my picture as your wallpaper, you adore that much, don't you?" he said playfully. "ew, who says i have you as my wallpaper?" you asked back while he just scoffed. "i saw it y/n, don't lie~" sunoo said and you sat up from laying down on his lap. "fine" you mumbled out your answer. "do you have a crush on me~?" he asked, more onto the teasing side but you had accidentally spilled your actual answer to him. "haha you bet!" you say with awkward finger guns. "i- uh, need to use the bathroom, be right back!" you say as you quickly headed to the bathroom. sunoo knew what your answer meant, so now he's left there- smiling and giggling on how his best friend likes him back.

jungwon

you had been planning on telling jungwon about how you left through a letter and planned on telling later on the walk back home from school. "y/n" your classmate called before you exited the classroom. "you're a friend of yang jungwon, right?" she asked and you nodded. "could you please give this letter to him? it's regarding the quiz bee thing, i'm one of his teammates" she said as she handed you the folded paper, similar to the love letter (for jungwon) you were holding. "oh okay, i'll give it to him!" you say as you got the letter. "oh thanks, y/n" she said and bid her goodbyes as she left. as you walked beside jungwon back home you remembered the letter from your classmate. "oh jungwon, my classmate said i should give you this letter- its about the quiz bee thing" you said as you stopped walking and looked for it inside your bag. "ugh it's probably another reminder to review" he said as he opened the letter, but then you can see confusion evident in his face. "uh-you give me butterflies every time i see you... uh i don't think this is about the quiz bee-" "what do you mean, let me see?" you say as he shows you the letter. "i- oh my god! i didn't mean to give you that!" you say as you look into your bag again and give the other letter. "here-" "i'll read it when i get home, let me read yours first" he said with a soft smile and intertwined his hands into yours.

ni-ki

"i leave for a minute to use the bathroom and now my phone is missing- riki where the hell did you hide it?" you say, literally flipping all the pillows in your room. "ugh even one of my earbud is missing" you say. "why are you looking at me like that?" riki asks, trying to act clueless. "why are you always hiding my stuff? this isn't even your house!" you say as you walk around your room trying to look for your phone and one of the missing earbud. "please tell me where you hid it" you say as he just laughed and laid down on your bed. "what do i get in return?" he asks playfully. "i'll buy you some bungeoppang" you say, hoping he'll give back what he hid from you. "sounds good! here's your phone now" he says taking it out from under his shirt. "uh, my earbud though?" you say as put your hand out, signaling he give it now. "ah- that's for another deal" he says. "riki just what the fu-" "is jay hyung your boyfriend?" he asked. "no he isn't, where did you get that from?" you asked back. "people were talking about it at school- and i was really offended that you didn't tell your own bff" riki said with (yet again) a playful tone and with a pout. "i don't know why they would say that- because the only guy i'm in love with is you" you impulsively. "you what?" he asked. "i what?" you asked back. "you're in love.... with me?!" riki asks pointing at himself. "you know what- give me back my earbud when i get back, i'll go buy your bungeoppang now- bye!" you ran out the door leaving riki who's a flustered mess now. he then punches the air and you could hear his screams of victory "woo! y/n likes me!" you can hear which makes you more flustered as well.

#enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #enhypen headcanons #lee heeseung #park jongseong #sim jaeyun #park sunghoon #kim sunoo #yang jungwon #ni-ki #nishimura riki #jay #jake #enhypen x reader #enhypen x gender neutral reader #enhypen fluff

356 notes · View notes

jaehyunfirstlove · 3 years

Note

May I request a LDR au with idol!jaehyun where reader studies overseas and both of them attempt to bond with each other? Thank you❤️

Pairing: long distance bf!jaehyun x f.reader

Genre: fluff

Warnings: none

Word count: 1.5k

A/N: ngl anon, i had no idea what 'LDR' stood for so i had to ask a friend (props to @jaehyunnie77 for educating me lol), anyway, hope you like it!

“I’m not ready to start dating again, hyung,” Jaehyun sighed, appreciative of Doyoung’s concern but still trying to overcome his heartbreak.

“It’s not dating! Just talking! I just think it would help if you had friends, outside of us, to talk to,” Doyoung clarified, patting Jaehyun on the back soothingly.

“Why does it sound like a setup, though?” Jaehyun smiled, and Doyoung just chuckled.

“Sorry, So-hyun has been bugging me to introduce you two. She thinks you’ll hit it off.”

Jaehyun chewed on his lip, clearly torn between polite propriety, and his own mixed emotions. “I really don’t know…”

“Listen,” Doyoung put a hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder, “just exchange a couple of pleasantries so I can get So-hyun off my back, okay?”

Jaehyun laughed. “Sure, I can do that. Give her my number.”

---

You sighed inwardly when you got a message from a family friend, saying she wanted to introduce you to someone. You didn’t know why she would bother setting you up with someone while you were studying abroad, but you assumed she figured the long distance thing wouldn’t be a problem. Feeling pressured, you accepted, and sent off your first message.

Me: Hello, this is Y/N, So-hyun’s friend

You put your phone down, not expecting a response right away considering the time difference, but to your surprise your phone buzzed almost right away.

Jaehyun: Hello Y/N, it’s nice to meet you :)

It was just one line, and one emoji, but for whatever reason you were intrigued.

Me: Oh! I didn’t expect a response right away! Isn’t it the middle of the night there? Sorry to bother you

Jaehyun: No bother at all, I was up anyway

Jaehyun: How are you doing?

Me: I’m doing okay, just finished exams so I can rest for a little bit

Me: how are you? Why are you up so late? Sorry for all the questions

Jaehyun: I don’t mind the questions :)

Jaehyun: I’m glad you’re done exams, what are you studying?

Jaehyun: I’m doing okay as well, just tired from practice

Jaehyun: it’s also why I’m still awake, I always find it hard to sleep after a tough day

You felt bad for him, you knew how hard it was to function on very little sleep. So-hyun hadn’t told you much about him, just that he was an idol, but you didn’t follow the industry so you didn’t know much about it.

Me: Oh! That’s awful! You should try drinking chamomile tea, I find that always helps me relax enough to fall asleep

Me: and I’m studying architecture :)

Jaehyun: oh thanks I’ll try it! I’ll try anything at this point

Jaehyun: and architecture! Wow that’s cool! I’m a big fan of Gehry :)

You broke into a wide smile, Gehry was your favorite too and you planned to do your dissertation on him when you reached graduate school.

Me: aww that’s so cool! What’s your favorite building? Mine’s the EMP museum in Seattle :)

Jaehyun: hmm will have to look that one up! Mine’s the Guggenheim Bilbao, guess I’m boring like that lol

You smiled even wider to yourself, happy to be able to talk about one of your passions with someone outside of school, and not have to bore your uninterested friends to death with it. You were eager to continue the conversation but you looked at the time, realizing you were already running late for your next class.

Me: oops sorry i gotta go to class

Me: talk to you later?

Jaehyun: of course! Have fun :)

---

Although he was exhausted, Jaehyun felt there was no way he could sleep now. He’d only meant to exchange a text or two with you to satisfy Doyoung, but he ended up enjoying the conversation, staying up later than he had meant to. He lay in bed, wide awake, wondering how your class was going, if you’d had something to eat, if it was cold or warm where you were. When sleep still didn’t come, he got up and made chamomile tea just like you’d suggested.

---

“Y/N! Who on earth are you texting? Don’t you know we have a major project due soon?”

You typed faster, wanting to get your message out to Jaehyun even as your classmates gave you dirty looks. “Sorry, guys! Almost done.” You pressed send, putting your phone away and resolving not to check it until you were done with the group project. Except you were dying to know what Jaehyun’s response would be to your question. You bit your lip, drumming your pen on the table anxiously.

“Y/N,” your friend, Sara, leaned in and whispered, “who is this new boyfriend, anyway? When can we meet him?”

You smiled, loving the sound of the term ‘boyfriend’. “Sorry, Sara, you won’t meet him for a while. He’s out of the country.”

“Wow, a long distance relationship,” Sara whistled under her breath, “I don’t know how you do it.”

You had to admit, it wasn’t easy, but Jaehyun was such a sweet, easygoing person. You’d bonded pretty quickly after finding some shared interests, and then you shared pictures and followed each other on social media. Soon you were video calling, almost every day, your days beginning and ending with his dimpled smile on your phone screen. You never thought long distance relationships would work, but you found Jaehyun made it easy. Despite his busy schedule he always made time for you, even if he had to call you from the car on the way to a photo shoot, or backstage at a music show. You thought he would be an unwelcome distraction to your studies, but you found he was a very welcome distraction indeed.

When the group went quiet, you snuck out your phone to check Jaehyun’s response.

Jaehyun: sorry Y/N, I can’t get away right now for a visit, we’re preparing for the next comeback

Jaehyun: thanks for the invite though, please make sure to send pics :)

Your heart sank. You had invited Jaehyun for your graduation, and you were hoping beyond hope that he would be able to make it. You knew it would be a long shot, so you decided to try asking anyway, but now you regretted asking in the first place. Dejectedly, you typed your reply.

Me: oh it’s okay, I figured you probably wouldn’t be able to come

Me: just thought I’d ask anyway

Jaehyun: i’m really sorry

Me: it’s cool! :)

Even though you sent a happy face emoji, you were anything but happy. You didn’t want Jaehyun to see how disappointed you were, so you made sure to put on your happiest face when you video called him later that night.

---

You couldn’t stop fiddling with your cap, and there were loose threads on your gown that were driving you crazy. The worst part was that you couldn’t get a hold of Jaehyun before the ceremony, and you started to bite your lip anxiously, your nerves getting the best of you and no calm words from your boyfriend to help settle you. When they finally called your name you got up nervously to walk to the stage, and suddenly you heard a loud cheer. You knew it wasn’t anyone in your family, so you turned towards the sound, and your heart almost stopped in your chest when you saw Jaehyun in the crowd.

The pictures he’d sent, the videos you’d seen, the image of him on your phone screen did not do him justice. In person, he was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. You almost dropped to your knees at the sight of him, but you felt your classmates pushing you towards the stage, clearly not wanting you to make the hellishly long ceremony even longer. On wobbly knees, suppressing a sob, you accepted your diploma, everyone thinking you were emotional because you were graduating, but really it was because you were seeing your long distance boyfriend for the first time.

When you walked off the stage you didn’t go back to your seat, you ran directly into his arms, and he laughed, lifting you off your feet and spinning you around.

“Congratulations, beautiful,” he whispered in your ear, before kissing you softly on the cheek.

“What are you doing here,” you sobbed, unable to hold back your tears as you clung to him.

“Well I recall getting an invitation?” he replied cheekily.

You smacked him lightly on the arm. “You said you couldn’t make it!”

He just laughed again, his eyes twinkling, “I wanted it to be a surprise. Sorry to fool you like that.”

“It’s okay,” you smiled, and finally, you got to kiss him. He leaned in, and you got up on the tips of your toes, your lips meeting for the first time. It was everything you imagined it would be, gentle but firm, the want clearly conveyed.

“Thanks for coming, Jaehyun,” you said softly, when you were finally able to tear yourself away from his lips.

He tightened his arms around you, pressing his forehead against yours. “Y/N, I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.”

---

Thanks for 1.4k :)

[REQUESTS CLOSED]

#jaehyun imagines #jaehyun x reader #jaehyun fluff #nct imagines #nct fluff

126 notes · View notes

watchmegetobsessed · 3 years

Text

Prisoner - Bucky Barnes

a/n: hi everyone! i am really excited to share this with you, because this one was written for a writing challenge! it is part of @wkemeup ‘s 9k writing challenge and it’s the first time i take part in anything like this with a Bucky fic! not that i have many but im sure more is about to come lol! let me know what you thought after reading!

prompt: Character A is possessed/controlled and attempts to harm Character B. [B] refuses to fight back in fear of hurting [A].

pairing: Bucky X Reader

warnings: blood, violence, mind controlling, just the usual jazz lol

word count: 7.8k

masterlist

Bucky and you were a pair made in hell. Only that he is the only one out of the two of you who really went through the deepest and darkest corners of it while you were basically just waiting in the lobby, as you like to say it.

He wasn’t the only person HYDRA had plans with. Being an orphan from the age of four, you didn’t have the life you probably deserved. Abducted at the age of twenty, you lived in cells and labs for years before they gave you the serum, turning you into a super solider, with determined plans to turn you into a kind of winter soldier 2.0, eventually wiping your head like his and turning you into the perfect assassin. Only that before they could start with the torture, you were rescued by none other than Captain America during a raid on one of HYDRA’s secret bases.

The Avengers gave you shelter when you had absolutely nothing left in life. Your previous life was long forgotten, almost entirely non-existent, all you had is the safety these extraordinary people were offering you, that you took more than willingly.

You were there when Bucky was captured, still very much fighting with his own conscious. You were in the building when Zemo triggered him into being a murderer again and he broke free, fought his ex best friend, saved his life and then disappeared again. You often found yourself thinking about how you’d be just the same if you weren’t saved. How you’d be out there, used as just a toy to end lives.

You never had to go through the process of ripping this side of yourself out of your head, because they never succeeded with you. But Bucky didn’t have it as lucky as you did. When Shuri contacted you that he was awake from his hibernation and they were working on wiping the winter soldier out of him, you didn’t hesitate to drop everything and be there for him. You didn’t know him that well back then, but you felt like you shared a deep connection through the torturous things you had to go through. You were there for him until he finally became entirely himself. No more winter soldier, just Bucky.

The two of you have tens of missions together behind your back at this point. Partners in work, friends in life, that’s what you are. And in your dreams?

Definitely lovers.

Now as you are rotting in a dark and musty cell somewhere in the middle of Poland, you are starting to regret you never really told him how you feel. You had so many chances to come clear but you were too afraid of rejection and the possibility of ruining your strong friendship and most importantly partnership that you chose to keep it all bottled up inside you.

It might have been days or hours since they locked you in your cell, you wouldn’t know. You lost track of time and you’re not expecting to see the daylight anytime soon either. Are they looking for you? Or do they think you died? No one was around you when you were abducted and there were no signs left behind that would have let your team know you survived. There was a massive explosion near your location in the raid, anyone would easily think that you were caught in the middle of that.

Does Bucky think I’m dead too? Has he given up on me?

You’re starting to think you’ll never find that out. Just like how you’ll never find out what it’s like to grow old, have a home that’s not just a room in a facility, spend your days with your hobbies rather than trainings and missions.

As the thick metal door opens and a creak of light breaks the heavy darkness in your cell, you look up at the man who walks in. If your hands weren’t cuffed with fucking vibranium cuffs, you would easily kill him in a heartbeat along with the three bulky guards he brought with himself.

“It’s time to make a use out of you,” the man grinned before two guards grabbed you by your arms, dragging you out of the cell, taking you God knows here. Probably to your death.

“You have to check twice,” Buckly growled upon hearing Agent Hill’s report from what was found at the scene. Or what was not found.

“No signs of Y/N were found, Bucky. But that explosion was so massive, it wiped out everything in it’s close radius. If she stood close to that…” “But what if she didn’t?!” he snaps, barking at the innocent agent. The room falls silent, no one dares to speak up against Bucky’s raging anger. Fury steps forward and places a hand to the upset soldier’s shoulder as a soft warning to control himself. Bucky takes a deep breath before looking over at Fury, no longer determined to rip anyone apart who wants to argue with him.

“Let’s all calm down and see what we can do. Do you think she survived?” Fury simply questions him. Bucky taps on the panel and a map of the location pulls up on the big screen, showing a little red dot at the places where the team members were located last before the explosion.

“Her last location was far enough of it for her to survive,” he explains pointing at your dot.

“But if she moved just a little closer—“ Hill starts again, but she quickly silences herself when Bucky shoots her another warning look.

“I think she was captured. We can’t just assume that she is gone that easily,” he insists, refusing to even think about the possibility of you dying in that explosion. That’s just simply not an option for him.

Fury stares back at him hard, searching for something in his eyes before he finally nods.

“Alright, let’s get on the case. We need to find out where they could be possibly hiding her.”

Bucky breathes out in relief as the team gets down to work immediately. This is not the part he can help with, he sucks at technical things, so now he is left with just the painful wait until a lead pops up and he can come to your rescue.

The gym is eerily quiet without your bickering. He always trains with you and it’s been one of his favorite things to do. The two of you liked to race in everything and thought you both knew he was faster and stronger, he always let you win a few times, giving you the chance to tease him about being second after you.

But now as he is punching the heavy bag on his own, he wishes he could hear one of your snarky comments about his lopsided moves, because he still hasn’t entirely gotten used to the uneven strength in his hands.

“If she is really out there, I’m sure she is doing fine.”

Sam walks in, his steps echo in the empty room and though Bucky stops for a moment, he doesn’t look at him, just keeps punching the bag.

“She is tough, Bucky. She can take care of herself.”

“Not when she is outnumbered by a dozen,” he growls back. “I know she is tough, but sometimes that’s just not enough.”

For a long time Bucky thought Steve is the only person he can work with as partners, but he had to realize that he had a special bond with you through the tortures you both had to go through and sometimes he felt like you were the only one who understood him truly. Even though your brain wasn’t washed like his, you were close to it and it gave you a great understanding of what he had to go through.

But it wasn’t just about the trauma. As you grew closer to each other you easily became friends, really good ones for all that matters. Bucky loved spending time with you on and out of missions as well. He finds your humor a little dark but quite entertaining, he likes how you are more social than he is so whenever you need to work with someone else you always take the role of the communicator, building a bridge between him and others easily. He loves how much you care about others, how you show your appreciation for your loved ones in the tiny details as making breakfast or baking their favorite cookies. He loves the way you smile whenever he messes up something and you have to take care of it eventually, he loves the way you laugh at his lame, old jokes, he loves how you always fall asleep on horror movies and he loves…

He loves you.

For years he thought he would never feel this way again for anyone, because it’s so raw and human, he thought it was wiped out of him when he became the winter soldier, but you proved him wrong. And now he wishes he told you how he felt, because if you won’t return, he has to live his life knowing you never knew how much you meant to him.

Tossing and turning in his bed, he stays wide awake, not able to even close his eyes when he knows you are out there somewhere, because you have to be. He refuses to nurse the thought of you gone for even a second. You’re qualified, the best fighter he has ever met and he has this feeling in his gut that you made it out of there alive. Maybe you knew the explosion was about to happen. Maybe you ran the opposite way before it was too late. Or maybe you found shelter, or simply was just knocked out of the impact of it and they captured you.

So many possibilities that are way more better than the fatality of your death.

Kicking the silky sheets off his body, the ones he deep down hates because it’s way too smooth against his skin, something he still has a hard time to grow accustomed to, he pulls a hoodie over his head before creeping his way out of his bedroom, down the hallway until he reaches yours. He stands still at the door, a sense of anxiety washing over him as he thinks about what’s inside. Not that it’s the first time he is here, he has spent endless nights in your room, the two of you talking and laughing as you showed him your favorite movies he hasn’t seen. You often bought a big bag of snacks for your movie nights and the two of you sprawled across your comforter, your legs sometimes touching, or there was this one time when he let you braid his hair.

“You should come to missions like this,” he remembers your teasing as you ran your fingers through the neat braids running along his head.

“And give the boys another reason to tease me? No thank you,” he chuckled.

“Another? What do they tease you about?” you asked furrowing your eyebrows as you popped a gummybear into your mouth.

You. It was you they teased him about and how obvious his feelings for you are. Seemingly everyone saw how you looked at each other but you and him.

He twists the silver doorknob before pushing the door open, part of him hoping to see you curled up under the sheets, snoring lightly and peacefully, but the room is terribly empty without your presence.

Everything is just the way you left them. The abandoned workout clothes hanging from the edge of the hamper, your running shoes under the window, your journal lying on your nightstand with a pen on top and his favorite… a framed picture of you and him on your bookshelf with all your favorite romantic novels stacked neatly on the shelves.

Bucky steps closer, his hands hidden in the pooch of his hoodie as he stares at the photo. It was taken a few days after the two of you returned from Wakanda, Bucky was finally free from the winter soldier and it was probably the best few days of his life. The two of you decided to take a trip to London before returning to your duty, a place you always wanted to see, but never really got the chance. It was just the two of you, taking some time away from the avengers, SHIELD, all the bad in the world, pretending like you’re two normal people for just a weekend before returning to your duties in New York. The photo was taken when you returned from the getaway, Steve took it in the gym, the two of you sat at the edge of the boxing ring after a killer fight. It was a simple moment, his arm stretched behind you as you leant against his side. The glow from your alone time was still apparent on your faces, neither of you felt happier in life before, or not at least in the last decade.

His vision blurs as he runs a finger through the frame, a sharp pain stabbing in his chest as he watches your bright smile and rosy cheeks. He never thought he would feel this way about anyone, not after everything he went through, but you proved him wrong. You showed him how much more human he still is that what he thinks of himself and you might not even have realized it.

Too restless to go back to sleep, Bucky storms out of your room, carefully closing the door behind him before going down to Tony’s office, determined to make himself useful. He can’t just sit around and wait, he needs to feel like he is doing everything he can.

When the first rays of the sun shine above the horizon and the first agents arrive for their shifts, He has already gone through an immense amount of security tapes from all around the world that had even the slightest match through the face recognition system with yours. None of them turned out to be real, but he never gave up.

“Barnes, were you here all night?” Tony asks in awe when he finds the long-haired avenger with his eyes glued to one of the screens, watching yet another tape.

“Not all night, but… for the majority, yes,” he nods without even sparing Tony a look.

Any other day Tony would tease him for maybe finally doing something useful, or not only using his fist in a case, but not today. Everyone on the team knows how much you mean to him and how hard it is to not know where you are. So he just nods, places his coffee down to the desk and gets down to work without a word.

Soon enough the rest of the team joins them and everyone is working together to find even the slightest lead. Every other minor case is put aside, you are their priority.

The more time passes by without anything found, Bucky feels like a part of him is dying more and more. Hopelessness and fear is taking over his already messed up mine, but he is still holding onto the light and that small little feeling in his gut that you are still out there somewhere. And then they find a lead.

“We’ve got a match!” Nat beams from behind her screen and everyone gathers around her as a series of blurry photos play in front of them, showing a group of men carrying a clearly unconscious person to a minivan before driving away. The quality is definitely not the best, your face is also half covered by your hair, but your uniform gives you away. It really is you.

“Where and when was this taken?” Bucky asks in a hurry.

“Last night, outside of Krakow. We have one last coordinate for the van,” Nat informs the group as she brings up a map, a red dot signaling the last spotting of the same van.

“There’s a closed off military based near,” Steve chimes in, pointing at the map a few miles away from where the pictures were taken.

“Alright, suit up everyone. Guess we are going to Poland,” Tony announces and a moment later everyone is running off to get ready for takeoff.

The ground doesn’t feel that bad anymore. It’s wet and there’s gravel here and there, the coldness is not too comfortable either, but you are getting used to it. Probably because it makes you feel things and that’s important to you now. In times when you often lose contact with your own body and mind, feelings keep you grounded and they remind you of who you are.

Last night you finally found out who caught you and it wasn’t a pleasant surprise. Aziel Nowak is a name you’ve already heard before, but not in the best way. The guy is totally crazy and if that’s not enough, he is kind of a genius as well. These two never sit well with each other and you knew it was just a matter of time before you had to face him, but you didn’t think these would be the circumstances.

Nowak’s father, Aleksander was a well-known scientist in the circles of HYDRA, he was one of the assholes responsible for wiping Bucky’s head, unfortunately, his own creation brought his death upon him. Bucky killed him during a raid, all while Aleksander was trying to trigger him, but Bucky was faster than him and shoot him in the head before he could get the second trigger word out. Aziel swore to seek revenge for his father’s death and made it clear that his big plan is to take out every avenger one by one, but all during completely destroying Bucky in every possible way.

Stuck in a clear tube, one that was built specially for super soldiers, you stood in his lab as he got everything ready for his master plan with you.

“The winter soldier was full of flaws,” he started to explain to you, working behind his computer while you couldn’t do anything to stop the madness. Even if you could break out of the tube, you were terribly outnumbered with the hoard of guards in the room, all of them armed and ready to rip you apart. It would have been a suicidal mission.

“The trigger words take a lot of time to enlist and sometimes, we just don’t have time for that. We need our soldier instantly, in a push of a button, if I might add,” he smirked and you almost gagged. He was a lowlife, disgusting middle-aged man, completely out of touch of reality, wrapped up in his own head with his ridiculous misconceptions and twisted view of the world.

“But fear no more, I have a better solution,” he grinned at you, holding up a tiny chip between his fingers and your jaw flexed. You didn’t know what it was, but you had guesses. “Spent years working on this little thing and now I can finally test it out and you get to be the lucky one to do it. Start the gas,” he ordered and a moment later some kind of gas started to fill the tube up. Your pathetic attempt to escape was cut off shortly when you felt your whole body freeze as you inhaled the gas. You just stood there, completely no control over your own body. The back of the tube opened with a hiss once the gas cleared out from around you and you felt a sharp stabbing at the back of your neck. You couldn’t even gasp, you were as frozen as a statue, unable to defend yourself and you truly felt like it’s the end. You wish it was though.

Nowak implanted the chip into your spine and you could feel the wires cling into your nerves, melting into your body like a parasite. A single tear rolled down your cheek as your wound was closed off.

“This is going to be so much fun,” Nowak smirked when he walked into your sight again. He had a control panel in his hands and as he pushed some buttons electricity bolted through your whole body and you completely lost control over your actions. Your body moved without your consent, arms and legs acting without your brain actually telling them.

You became a prisoner in your own body.

The night was spent fighting with Nowak’s best guards as he tested out his new toy: you. He could control your whole body thanks to the chip and while you were screaming and shouting in your head, there was no escape. He made you into his ragdoll and there was nothing you could do against it.

He switched the chip off when you were thrown back into the cell. You sobbed for hours probably as you tried to get the thing out of yourself, blood was dripping down your back, but you had to accept that it was too deep, clinging onto your spine, you couldn’t get it out with your bare hands.

Now you are lying on the floor and try to remember who you are, because you’ve been feeling like you lost touch with your true self. The only thing that has been helping is remembering your favorite memories.

It makes your heart flutter when you realize that most of them have Bucky in them. Your most favorite? The time you spent in London. Those days are the closest and dearest to your heart and now you just wish you could go back in time for even just an hour. Strolling down the streets like any other tourists without a worry in the world, watching the city lay in front of you as you ride the London Eye or walking along the River Thames. You felt so normal, so happy, sharing your time with the man you probably love the most in the whole wide world.

“I could live here,” you sighed when the Big Ben came into view above the brick buildings.

“It rains too much here,” Bucky furrowed his eyebrows at you, his arm brushing against yours.

“I like the rain. Love the smell of it, love how refreshing it feels after it,” you chuckled.

“And what would you want to do here?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “Maybe I would work at a library. Or a café!”

“You want to be a barista!” He chuckled, smirking down on you. “Is this why you wanted Tony to get a fancy espresso machine?”

“Well, not just because of this, I just really like good coffee,” you smiled up at him. “What, do you not like my coffee?”

“Oh, I do. You make the best in the tower,” he nodded.

You could always talk about anything and everything with him. He understood you so well and you liked to think it worked the other way as well. That you were just as important to him as he was to you.

“Bucky.” His name falls from your lips like a desperate plea, as if you could summon him and he’d be here any moment to rescue you. But nothing changes and you are still on your own.

You’ve been wondering if this is how he felt when they made him to be the winter soldier. If he went through the same struggle or if it was worse. He said he doesn’t remember everything he did, as if sometimes he just completely disappeared in his own head, but other times live vividly in his memories.

You remember everything too. The chip has no control over your mind and thoughts, it works as another brain that takes over control in your body, caging your mind in your own head while it works your body.

A siren rings through the building and you gasp, your head snapping in the direction of the metal door. You hear orders in a foreign language and running footsteps somewhere down the hallway. Pushing yourself up you move to the far end of the room as you hear someone approaching your cell. Before the lock clicks on the door, you feel the familiar electricity run through your body and you breathe out before you lose control over your body again. You stand up, not because you want to, but because this is what they ordered. The door swings open and Nowak walks in.

“Guess your little friends figured out where you are. It’s time to show them my masterpiece.”

The military base is pretty lively for a closed off one. As the team is approaching the complex they inspect the possibilities they have to get inside.

“Alright, we have to be smart about this. Nowak is a psychopath,” Tony announces when the quinjet is nearing the base. “Barron and Natasha, we need a diversion. Banner, you stay here and only come in if it’s needed,” he starts and everyone nods along. “Wanda, the same goes for you as well. Listen to the call word and be ready to interfere. Sam and I are going to clear the main building, try to find Nowak. Barnes, Cap, you are tracking Y/N down. Everything clear?”

“As daylight,” Steve nods as he grabs his shield from the side.

Once the quinjet touches down, everyone goes their own way, going along the plan they discussed. Nat and Clint do well with the diversion, a great amount of guards and soldiers are drawn in their way as Tony and Sam make their way into the main building of the base.

“Where should we look, Buck?” Steve asks his friend as they hide behind one of the quarters. Bucky looks around, inspects the place and nods towards a building that’s clearly powered with a lot more electricity for whatever reason, Thick cables running inside, snaking under the doors, pouring extra power inside. Steve nods and once the way is somewhat cleared out, they head inside.

They take down the few HYDRA agents that try to get in their way as they run further into the building without even breaking a sweat. They easily reach the lab and it almost feels way too easy.

“Something is not right,” Steve says as the two of them walk into the empty lab, curious inspecting all the machines and equipment they have absolutely no idea how to work.

Bucky’s eyes fall on the tube in the far corner of the room and walking closer he gets an eerie feeling and he can already picture you trapped inside, the thought making his stomach churn.

“Anyone found Nowak yet?” Steve asks through the com.

“Negative,” Nat grunts back in the middle of her own fight.

“Haven’t seen the fucker either,” Tony answers and Steve sighs.

Just as Bucky is about to head to the door that leads out of the lab at the other end from where they entered, the sliding door opens and they both get ready to fight whatever is about to come into sight. But neither of them were expecting you to walk out.

“Y/N?!” your name falls from Steve’s lips as he lets his shield down, staring back at you confused. But you don’t answer, just stop a few feet away from them, staring blankly ahead of you and Bucky swears he was on the verge of fainting from his anger, because he knew those eyes all too well, because he used to see them in the mirror.

“Y/N, what did they do?” he whispers desperately, a hand reaching out to you, but it’s quickly cut off when you grab his hand and easily throw him over, his back contacting the floor with a painful thump.

Hell breaks loose fast as you start fighting them off, using the advantage of their shock upon seeing you, working against them while they try to make you remember them.

“Y/N, it’s us! We don’t want to hurt you!” Steve growls when he saves himself from one of your hits, his shield coming between the two of you.

I know! I know it’s you, but I can’t do anything! You scream in your own head, unable to even form the words. You’re a prisoner in this body you thought to be yours, but it betrayed you.

You never fought both of them before at the same time, but now that it’s happening, you’re surprisingly good at it, handling two super soldiers at the same time when one of them has a vibranium arm while the other one keeps throwing a vibranium shield at you, though it’s clear they aren’t giving their best, afraid of hurting you even though you’re in killer mode right now and determined to rip them apart.

“Do you think they did the same to her as they did to you?” Steve asks out of breath when you throw them against a wall and return to fight Bucky.

“It’s something else. Look at the back of her neck!” he growls when you throw a punch in his way that he catches with his metal arm, holding your fist tight as you keep pushing it and this moment of pause allows Steve to take a look at you from the back.

“Oh shit,” he breathes out.

Yes! Take this shit out and I’m free! You scream, but no one hears. Your fist frees from Bucky’s grip and you kick him in the stomach so hard he snaps against the desk behind him and wasting no time you jump right at him, the fight continues.

“If anyone finds Nowak, don’t kill him. We’ve got Y/N and she is being controlled by something,” Steve explains through his earpiece before throwing his shield in your direction right when you’re about to attach your hands to Bucky’s neck. It hits you in the side and you fall to the ground grunting.

“Don’t fucking hurt her!” Bucky growls at him, but Steve gives him a look.

“She is trying to kill us, we have to do something!”

You’re on your feet fast, already charging at Steve and it catches him by surprise, he stumbles back as your knee collides with his stomach, a punch thrown at his pretty face.

“I see Nowak!” Tony’s voice comes through the earpieces, but they don’t have the chance to celebrate, because you’re kicking their ass big time.

When you want to launch yourself at Steve again, Bucky’s arms wrap around your waist from behind and he pulls back, pushing you away, making you stumble, but you’re back on your feet quickly. Your eyes meet and you want to touch him so badly, run into his arms, tell him how happy you are to see him and that he was the only thing that kept you sane, but instead, you throw yourself at him, fist colliding with the side of his head.

I’m so sorry, Buck!

“We’ve got Nowak!” Tony announces and Steve sighs in relief.

“Does he have something like a remote or controller?” he asks while you and Bucky are at each other’s throat. You throw him to a desk and drag him across it, papers and equipment flying everywhere before he ends up on the floor groaning. You have the perfect chance to throw a punch in again, but you turn around and run back towards the door you came through.

“He has a controlling panel, do you think it’s connected to Y/N?” Tony asks.

“Very much likely, but please hurry up, she is trying to run away!” Steve begs as they both start to chase after you in the labyrinth of hallways. You’re footsteps are echoing on the checkered floors as they are trying to catch up with you. You take a left turn and get out of their vision just for a split second. As they get around the corner they immediately freeze when they find you standing there, a gun pointing right at Bucky’s head, a deadly, but still rather blank expression in your eyes.

“Shit,” Steve breathes out.

“Y/N, I know you are in there,” Bucky speaks up.

Yes! I’m here! I’m here Bucky!

“The controller is locked, but we are working on it,” Tony announces through the com, but it doesn’t help their situation right now. If he can’t unlock the controller, you are likely to shoot them both if they don’t do something. As you stare back at your two friends, you are using everything in you to try to get back the control over your own body, but it’s like you’re just silently screaming in an empty, locked room.

“I know you hear me. Please, try to fight it off. I know how hard it is, but if anyone can do it, it’s you,” Bucky continues and if only you were in charge of yourself, you’d already be sobbing at the broken expression he is staring back at you with. Your finger is on the trigger and you can feel your muscles trembling.

“Buck, we need to disarm her,” Steve tells him, but he shakes his head.

“No. We can’t do that without hurting her and I’m not doing that.”

Oh Bucky! That’s the only way now!

“She is gonna shoot, Bucky. We have to do something!”

“She could have already fired. She is fighting it off, I know it.”

“Or maybe it’s just whatever it is inside her messing with her head as Tony is trying to break the controller.”

“Y/N, sweetheart, I know you can do this. I’m not gonna hurt you, you can fight it!” Bucky continues, ignoring Steve’s words, who stands behind him with his jaw flexed.

I can’t do it, you need to knock me out! I’m not strong enough to do it!

You are trying everything you can and you are already holding your finger back, you would have already pulled the trigger if it wasn’t for your resistance somewhere in this cage. But you just know you’re not strong enough to stop yourself forever, they will need to disarm you, there’s no choice.

You stare back at Bucky, his forehead and left cheek bloody from wounds you gave him and he probably has a few bruises under his leather jacket as well, all because of you. Nowak made you hurt the person you love the most and now his life is being threatened. You know he won’t fight you, he will not try to disarm you, he would rather take the bullet than cause pain to you, more than what he already did during your fight.

The gun trembles in your hand as you’re desperately trying to gain your control back, sweat beading on your forehead, your chest heaving.

“Stark, we are running out of time!” Steve warns him through the com.

“Just one more second!” he answers, but you’re afraid you don’t have that much time.

“Y/N, please!” Bucky begs, a single tear rolling down his cheek and you can feel your own heart breaking at the sight of him. You can’t believe it’s because of you, you are causing him pain when you swore to work to see him his happiest in his life.

Your jaw flexes and you are on the verge of breaking, the tiniest light flashing in front of you as you keep pushing, trying to take back control, but then you feel like losing again. It all happens so fast, you can barely process.

You know you’re about to pull the trigger, you can’t stop yourself, but just as you are about to do it, Tony’s voice rings through the com.

“We got it!”

In a blink of the eye, the invisible grip that’s been keeping you tight vanishes, the cage opens up and suddenly you feel yourself come alive again as the most painful, deafening and desperate scream rips from your throat, the gun falling from your grip before you collapse on the ground in complete shock of everything that went down.

“Get it out! Get it out! I can’t do this!” you scream, your nails scratching the back of your neck once again, trying to reach the chip, but you’re just breaking your own skin once again, blood dripping down your back.

“Hey, it’s alright, sweetheart. We got you. You’re gonna be fine!” Bucky falls to his knees, cradling you into his arms as you sob into his hard chest, hands gripping the fabric of his jacket tight as your salty tears soak your cheeks, your whole body shaking.

“I’m so sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” you repeat, shaking your head as if you were trying to get rid of the memories, but they are still there, you still know what it’s like to be a prisoner in your own head but at least now you are with Bucky and that brings you the peace of mind you’ve been seeking all along.

“You don’t have to be sorry, it’s alright. You’ll be alright, sweetheart, you’re safe with me now,” he murmurs into your hair, his arms holding you so tight it’s starting to get hard to even breathe, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

You cling onto him as if your life depends on it and in a way, it really does. Bucky gathers you into his arms as you keep mumbling your apologies and begs to make it stop even though you are not being controlled any longer. He carries you to the quinjet as he keeps murmuring reassuring words into your ear, telling you that everything is going to be alright now. You are in good hands.

You don’t let go of him on the way back and he doesn’t seem to want to do it either. Curled up on his lap, you let yourself fall into a shallow slumber as his fingers are dancing up and down your back, keeping you close to his chest, the feeling of finally being home taking over your senses.

Arriving back to New York you are helped off the jet by Bucky or course as he walks you to the med bay where Dr. Cho is already waiting for your arrival.

“Don’t worry, Y/N. We’ll fix you up,” she smiles at you as you are expected to let go of Bucky, but your head snaps back in his direction in panic, hands grabbing onto his anxiously.

“It’s alright, I’ll be here waiting for you. My stupid face will be the first thing you see when you wake up,” he jokes, his tired eyes fixated on you as you hesitate to let go of him, but eventually do it.

Keeping his promise Bucky stay outside as long as you are under Helen’s hands, not able to even drag him away to change clothes. The only thing he can make himself is dragging his ass to the nearest restroom to at least wash the dried blood off his face, but he quickly returns to his previous spot.

It turns out removing the chip is a bit more complicated than anyone thought. The micro wires are so deep in your nerves, Dr. Cho has to be careful if he doesn’t want to paralyze you with just one wrong move. Five entire hours pass by before the chip is finally out of you, before they place you in one of the rooms until you wake up from the anesthesia. Bucky is right by your side, holding your hand soothingly as he waits for you to open your eyes again. When he sees your eyelashes fluttering, he holds his breath as your eyes open and you adjust to the light and the view around you.

“Hey, sweetheart. How are you feeling?” he softly asks, gently brushing a strand of hair out of your forehead.

“Like… I just fought against two super soldiers,” you breathe out in a joking manner that makes him chuckle. You’re back and he missed you more than he could ever express.

As you let out a long and heave breath, you feel everything coming back to you and you can’t stop your sobs and the tears falling from your eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Bucky,” you gasp and he is quick to leap forward, one hand holding yours while the other one cups your cheek as he makes you turn your head towards him.

“No, no, no. You have nothing to be sorry about, Y/N. You did everything you could, you fought it so well!”

“But I hurt you! I didn’t want to hurt you, I was screaming inside my head, but I just couldn’t stop!” you sob shaking your head.

“I know, it wasn’t your fault! Please don’t think for a moment anyone blames you!” he begs, his bright blue eyes glued to your pained face as you fight your tears back. A hand moves to the back of your neck, feeling the wound where the chip used to be.

“Is it gone?” you ask in a whisper.

“It is. Helen took good care of you. You’re free now,” he smiles and you feel a wave of relief washing over you right away. Your body is yours again, finally.

“I didn’t think I would be myself again,” you admit, your voice slightly shaking. Bucky’s heart breaks at your words, but remains silent as you carry on. “I kept thinking of memories that feel the closest to me and it was the only thing that kept me sane. And I realized that the dearest ones are all with you, Bucky.”

His lips part at your revelation as his heart is beating fast against his ribcage. He has been waiting for this moment to come for what feels like eternity and now it might become his reality.

“When I thought I would never be the same again, I just thought about… you. That I don’t get to see you again, when I always wanted to spend all my days with you, Buck.”

“I want to spend all my days with you too, sweetheart,” he breathes out, leaning closer until his face is only inches away from yours. “I hated the thought of you being gone without ever telling you how I feel.”

“How do you feel, Bucky?” you ask in a trembling voice.

“You are my everything, Y/N. You are my best friend and everything beyond and I was such a fool for not telling you before this, but the thought of losing you made me realize that I have to stop being a coward,” he chuckles with tears bubbling in his eyes. You reach out and cup his face in your palms, your thumb running along the dark circles under his eyes and you wonder if he even slept a moment since you’ve been gone.

“We were both idiots, don’t beat yourself,” you chuckle softly, making his mouth turns into a grin before he leans closer and his lips finally press against yours, capturing them in a sweet, so-good-to-have-you-back kiss you’ve been dreaming about for probably way too long but at least since London. It’s soft and gentle, filled with the promise of many more to come. Thought you’re trying to stretch it as long as possible, a cough is heard from the door and you both pull back, turning your attention at the rest of the team standing there, all of them happy to see you again, or maybe to see the two of you finally taking the step they’ve been waiting for to happen.

“I guess you are feeling better now, yeah?” Nat smirks as she walks further inside, giving your shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“Much better,” you admit with a shy chuckle. “Thank you for the rescuing, guys.”

“It’s the least we could do,” Sam smirks at you.

“And Barnes would have gone nuts if we didn’t find you so that was also quite motivating,” Tony jokes nodding towards the man by your side, who is still holding your hand as if you could disappear any moment.

“Steve, I’m sorry for trying to hurt you,” you breathe out at the sight of the tall blonde man, but he just shrugs with a warm smile.

“It’s alright. At least now we know that you could easily kick our ass at the same time,” he jokes nodding towards Bucky, though you all know they were holding back, not wanting to hurt you. You still remember the look in Bucky’s eyes when you held him at gunpoint. He could have easily disarmed you but it would have cost you at least a broken arm, yet he refused to lay a hand on you and believed that you could control yourself again.

When the team is gone and it’s just the two of you again in the room, Bucky sits at the edge of your bed, his fingers playing with your hand over the white sheets as you let yourself fall into the sense of safety again.

“You should have disarmed me, Bucky,” you tell him, breaking the silence.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“I could have killed you,” you retort.

“I know,” he nods, his lips pressing into a thin line. “But I just couldn’t cause you any more pain.”

“The fact that I was hurting you was already a pain, Bucky. You should have just knock me out.”

“Would you ever do the same to me?” he questions and though you open your lips to answer, you realize that he is right. You would have never hurt him on purpose, not even if he was back at being the winter soldier. You could have never hurt your sweet Bucky, the man that means more than anything ever in your torturous life.

“See? How do you expect me to do it then?” he smiles softly. “But it doesn’t matter, you are free now. It’s all in the past.”

“It still broke my heart, seeing you like that.”

“I can only say the same,” he breathes out, his eyes softening on you. “I wanted to help you so bad, but I couldn’t…”

“You helped me a lot,” you smile at him, brushing a few loose strands of hair out of his forehead. He smiles back at you and through his ocean eyes are still looking tired and a little bloodshot, but there’s a tiny little glimmer in them, something you’ve seen before, it was the most apparent when Shuri was successful at ridding him from the winter soldier and you also saw it in London. You’ve been seeking this little shine for a long time and you’re happy to have it back.

“We should go on a vacation,” he suggests, his smile growing wider with each passing second.

“Oh, I didn’t know avengers had vacation days,” you tease him.

“They do, as much as they want,” he nods grinning. “Where would you want to go? Do you want to go back to London?” he questions as he brings your hand up to his lips, kissing your bruised knuckles.

“Mm, we should go somewhere new,” you purse your lips. “I’ve always wanted to see Amsterdam.”

“Then Amsterdam it is,” he chuckles before leaning closer he kisses your lips gently with a promise of a bright future together.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

#kas9kwc #bucky #bucky barnes #bucky barnes one shot #bucky barnes oneshot #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x you #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #james buchanan barnes

391 notes · View notes