#but I didn't do the thing because I'm in so much fucking pain I'm at my l i m i t for dealing with things

[onesidedradiostatic]

Real talk

Im sooooo tired of Vox always being portrayed as the victim and Alastor the only one 100% responsible for their friendship falling apart

Did we all suddenly forgot that Vox is a terrible person too? He brainwashes his audience, he supports Val, he is willing to offer his lowest employees for Val to kill, he's also prob abusive to his employees as well, he stalks pretty much everyone, he has like 5 cameras inside Angel's dressing room, also it's like implied he's jealous of Angel because he gets Val's attention, him being jealous of Angel for being a victim of abuse is pretty messed up if you ask me. Oh he also told Sir Pentious to fucking kill himself and he also gets hard of seeing people in pain and get hurt! (Sure it was Alastor but still messed up)

" he looks so sad at the end of stayed gone when Alastor threatens him I feel so bad for him:(("

Really ? Well maybe if he had just kept his little hate boner for Al to himself instead of feeling to need to start publicly slandering him it wouldn't had happened. Just saying. Also I don't see how people feel bad for him. If anything he looks so extremely pathetic it's laughable I want to kick him

Okay this is kinda out of the point I want to make it's just many people who make him the victim seem to forget he's a terrible person so I just wanted to friendly remind everyone that he's as awful as Al ^^

Anyway

I think, we should acknowledge, that it's a complicated, and probably tragic, situation. What if, maybe, they're both as equal at fault for shit going down hills for their friendship. Vox because he doesn't respect others wishes and cannot take no for an answer, he prob tried forcing Al to move on with recent technology, which Al hates. ((His request to Al to join the Vees also prob meant catching up with the nowdays stuff and new technology, like the rest of them)) and Al because he was prob unnecessary cruel and brutal with his rejection.

I don't think Al was just using Vox like I've seen many people say. He allowed Vox to take a picture of them together. For Al to do that I think it confirms their friendship was genuine. "Ah but it's Alastor so that means it was fake cuz he's an evil manipulative bastard who only cares for him-" You're wrong, but also right lol. He's an evil manipulative bastard, but , he's also capable of genuine friendships with others (( did y'all forget Rosie lol? )). What I think happened is that, time passed , things changed. Vox became obsessed with new technology and tried to force Al to follow in, Al didn't like that, but instead of communicating with eachother and solving their problems by talking it out and respect eachother's wishes, they had an unnecessary argument and fight. They're both to blame for this, they're no victims in the situation and it's okay you can still sympathise with eithers side

Also people who make Al the villain for like not returning Vox's confession and feelings in most One sided Radiostatic videos/fics I've seen-- yikes.. I really hate that I have to literally say to PLEASE don't villiantise the aroace character for being aroace and rejecting confessions. It's extremely ace/arophonic (and yes I get to have a say to this, I'm a replused aroace videos/fics like this genuinely make me feel negative emotions) even if he was extremely cruel with his rejection -- villiantise the fact that he's an asshole- not his rejection.

yes I agree!! this is essentially a consolidation of points I've made before ksdlfglg

like yes, alastor's an absolute shithead but I think there are some people who forget that vox is also... not a good person. I don't think there's anything wrong with there being sympathetic aspects to vox but I feel like there's such a huge amount of fanwork where he's the only one portrayed sympathetically without showing his own bad points in their relationship, and I absolutely hate it when alastor is fully blamed for how vox is now and vox is seen as

yeah

vox got pissy at a rejection, that's not being able to take no for an answer, that's incel behaviour LMAO

feel like there's something to be said about people feeling the need to sympathise with the one with unrequited feelings compared to the one who has to deal with someone expecting romance from them when they don't feel the same. does it have to do with society's expectations about romance that unrequited feelings are more sympathisable?

but yeah I am glad that at least the "complicated" part of the description of their relationship implies to me it won't be as simple as "vox was the poor victim and alastor was just using him", I think it is much more interesting if there's no clear victim and both were at fault in a way

#ask #osrs.txt #I'm gonna avoid heavy tagging because I don't wanna attract discourse #onewaybroadcast #okay to rb if you want though

[fairycosmos]

hi, just curious if you're able to answer this, what happened with becca? currently struggling with a sibling with addiction issues and wanted to get some perspective

she'd been on and off drugs experimentally/recreationally since she was like 17, but when the pandemic hit in 2020 she spiralled very quickly over the course of a few months into addiction which was worsened by her dating (and moving the guy into our house) another person struggling with severe addiction. we tried to kick him out when she got bad but they basically went out onto the streets together so we had to let them back in. to make a long story much shorter she was on a lot more shit than we realised, she choked in her sleep on aug 25 2020 and had a cardiac arrest. cpr didn't help, her shitty boyfriend didn't help, nothing helped. it was too late basically. all of this is messed up and blurry in my head so there's much more to it than that but that's the gist of it. in the weeks leading up i tried tirelessly to talk to her about it, mostly over text even though we were all living in the same house but in seperate rooms due to covid at the time. i would send her these big walls of text about how this wasn't right and how bad things were and she would agree but basically just mollify me, lie to me etc though i do believe that having those conversations was nessecary. just letting her know that i understand, that i'm here, that i know she's scared and in immense pain but that we can make small steps in the right direction together etc. while also being almost harsh and upfront about the harm she is causing and the way she was hurting herself and everyone around her. she had a doctor's appointment booked the week after she died to talk about the drugs and i do think she intended on going, but she was just such a mess. i don't have any concrete advice because it felt so hopeless at the time, talking to her was like talking to a brick wall. i was so fucking angry and upset about her situation and the way she was that it was hard to even interact with her sometimes. the spiral was so fast with her and that made it so difficult to guage what to do. but if you can continue talking to them on a human level, bringing up examples of their recent behaviour that has crossed the line, pushing for the idea of seeing a professional/local addiction resources or hotlines, then that's all you can do. i know how hard this is on you too and i know it is a special type of exhausting and endless hell to love an addict. all you can do is try your best not to facilliate the addiction while doing what you can to support getting them into recovery. there are a lot of addiction centers, support groups and hotlines that offer advice and support for loved ones - i would really encourage you to seek those out for more professional and exstensive guidance. i really hope they get clean eventually and i reall hope you're taking care of yourself and being kind with yourself throughout this whole thing. i'm really sorry it's happening to you, your sibling and your family. please know i'm here if you ever need a friend or someone to vent to about it. x

supporting someone with addiction / how to help an addict without enabling / helping someone who is misusing drugs or alcohol/ info about interventions / how to help a friend or family member with addiction / tips for supporting someone recovering from addiction/overcoming drug addiction

#anon #tw drugs #tw addiction #ask chloe #tw death

[gelly-fsh]

Doing that Dr. Who scene but with Jegulus because I remembered I have hands and free will

TW: mentions of torture

___________________/////___________________

When James was suddenly captured while finishing an errand for the Order, he knew he was going to die.

It was a bitter truth, but a truth nonetheless. The Order of the Phoenix didn't do rescue missions, they did not have the enough manpower to even consider it, so even if his friends and family begged Dumbledore on their knees, he knew it would be futile, so now the only thing he could do was to wait for his demise.

It was strange, if he thinks about it. The errand was an insignificant one, he was not supposed to encounter any Death Eaters because he just needed to take some documents to the Ministry, but before he could put a foot in the building, someone stunned him from behind, and then everything went black for a while.

Now that he's awake, confused about how much time has passed, he is trying to make sense of where he was left in. It was clearly a study, but it was pulsating constantly with the dark magic that came off all the cursed objects that were neatly piled in the shelfs beside him. The body bind he was still on didn't let him see much, but he had little time to wonder about anything else as he heard multiple footsteps entering the room.

"Finally, it seems you're awake now" even if he couldn't see him, James recognized the haughty and embarrassingly nasal voice of one if his captors.

"Snivellius, I'm not glad to see you" James replied

"The sentiment is mutual, believe me"

"Lets get this started Severus" a man said, and when he stood in front of James, he could identify him as Rodolphus Lestrange.

"Who are you?" Rodolphus asked

"Go fuck yourself" James replied fiercely. Rodolphus remained unfazed, but when he looked at someone behind James, he felt the hairs of his neck stand in alert, and then he felt it.

"Crucio!"

The pain was blinding. Sirius and even Regulus once told him how it felt to withstand the pain of this unforgivable, how you feel like you have been stabbed and electrocuted in all places at the same time, but no amount of descriptions would have prepared him for the real thing.

It was like that for a while. James refused to answer questions, and the crucioed him, until Rodolphus apparently grew bored of his suffering and just ordered Snape to make him chug down a clear liquid.

"Your name" Rodolphus asked again

"James Potter" he said easily, way too easily, and that when it hit him. Veritaserum.

"Where is Regulus Black now?" Now that question was weird, because Regulus? Why would they inquire specifically about his whereabouts? He is on their side no?

"I haven't the faintest idea" he gritted out, his voice a bit raw from his screaming

"Is that credible?"

"Well, it's true isn't it?" James answered plainly

"Did he leave any objects with you recently?" Snape asked next

"No he didn't" he replied easily again, did Regulus robbed this people or something?

"You're the man he loves no?" Now that questions hurted a lot

"No I'm not" saying it now is not easier than saying it a year ago, when the realization was still fresh, but instead of a bleeding cut, James just feels a throbbing pain that he has become accostumed between the space of his ribs, constant but familiar.

"He is lying!" Snape snarled, looking at Rodolphus, as if he was trying to wordlessly explain his mistake

"Regulus Black does not, and has never, loved me" James was almost glad for the Veritaserum, as it made all the information come out more easily, his mind unable to keep up with the truths his tongue spilled.

It doesn't mean the echoes of his truth didn't scratch the scab that was slowly covering his heart, leaving the wound bleeding and raw, just the exact same way Regulus left it the night he left his life for good.

"You know I'm not lying, you know I am incapable to do so right now" James doesn't know how wise it is to talk back this much to his captors, but he knew he was getting killed anyways, so he would not give them the satisfaction of seeing him cower.

"This is some kind of trick then, there is no way"

"There is no trick" James replied

"My information is correct. I know for a fact you are the man who loves Regulus Black"

"Yes I am, I've never denied it" James said simply, because even after everything, that was one of the only parts James knew he would never change about himself, no matter how hard he tried "But who told you he ever loved me back Snape?" He breathed, and he loved Regulus. He would die soon, loving him still.

"He is Regulus Black" James knew he was getting overworked over this, but this would be the last chance he had to talk about this, so he decided to take it "He doesn't go around falling in love with people. And if you think he would fall so low to be swayed for something like that, you are never getting whatever he took from you back"

"Sir, I assure you he is the perfect bait! If Black finds out he is in danger, he will come to his aid" Snape started to ramble, but James was started to get tired of all this charade.

"Oh, you are but a bloody moron" James sneered "He will not come, you're wasting your time"

"I can assure you Sir, that perhaps he is inside the mansion right now, looking for an opportunity to strike" Snape added

"Well go on and scan the whole bloody mansion then!" James raged "you will find nothing because he is not here"

"Merlin knows where he is right now. But I promise you, he is doing whatever the hell he planned and not giving a single damn about me!" James words flowed out like a stream of water, it flooded his senses, his emotions, he was drowning in the love he had for Regulus that he didnt want to receive or to give back, and everything just felt too much all over again.

"He will not come for me, and I'm fine with that" he sighed, feeling exhausted and defeated, the crucios and the thought of Regulus slowly draining all the fight and bravado he had left

"When you love Regulus, it's like loving the stars themselves! You don't expect a sunset to admire you back" he growled furiously, with hot tears threatening to spill off his eyes "And if I happened to find myself in danger like now, let me tell you Regulus is not stupid enough or sentimental enough-" he needed to take a breath, or a hundred "and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me!"

"This has gotten utterly ridiculous. Snape, you will be punished later for waisting my time, but right now let's just put an end to this quickly, ge doesnt know anything and he admitted to being useless" James could see Rodolphus' distaste in his eyes, how they scanned James as if he were a dirty bug "Dolohov, raise him a little, let's finish this quickly"

He was easily manhandled into the correct position so his whole chest was exposed, James didn't even fight it, afraid that if he did they would not let him die peacefully otherwise.

Even with all the mental preparation, James was not ready to die. At that moment he realized how young and truly inexperienced he really was, a pawn in in a war he didn't cause that was deprived of all the things he should have rightfully lived before, all all the things he had still to live but wouldn't be able to anymore.

Even after everything, even while knowing that Regulus' lack of love for him was part of the reason his life was gonna get cut short, James did not had in within himself to regret it, to regret him.

A million years or just one second could pass, and James would never regret loving that boy.

With him mind set and his conscience at peace, he set his chin high and threw a challenging stare at Rodolphus Lestrange, not moving an inch but quickly closing his eyes afterwards.

"Im sorry" he whispered, and he didnt know to who he was apologizing at all.

His last thought would be Regulus smile.

"Avada -" Suddlenly, Rodolphus started to make a gargled sound before it stopped, and James heard a loud thud falling in the carpet that made him open his eyes in pure astonishment.

Before him was Rodolphus, and he was dead.

"What in Salazar's name-" Dolohov started, just to quickly start doing the same frantic noises Rodolphus made before dropping on the floor too. Snape had a terrified expression while he looked behind James, almost like he had seen a ghost for the first time.

"Please, spare me, Re-" Snape couldn't even finish his begging, because suddenly his head was turned in a funny angle before falling on the floor too.

James didn't want to see, even if a part of him felt a sense of vindictive justice over the fact that his captors were all dead, he didnt know who the culprit was, so James just prepared himself to be murdered by a different hand now.

Until he heard a voice

"Hello, Mon Soleil"

Mon Soleil, that was a nickname he hasn't heard in a while, more than a year if he wanted to be more precise. That nickname took him back to happier times, to happier memories, and it inevitably took him back to the boy that was the reason for it. James opened his eyes at last.

"What are you doing here?" James asked, feeling a bit breathless at the sight of Regulus crouched in front of him "You're not supposed to be here"

"You were in danger, so I came" Regulus was raising his hand, seemingly to cup James face, but even if James yearned to feel Regulus touch against his skin, the piercing pain in his heart and his whole body made him flinch away from his hand

"Why would you do that?" James was not understanding anything at the moment, everything was a blurry of emotions and Veritaserum and so so much confusion that he was sure he sounded pathetic. Nonetheless, Regulus' gaze turned into something softer, and to James surprise, something filled with regret.

"You would never do that, at least certainly not for me" James followed, his whole body was trembling between the pain of the curses and the heartbreak. "I was thinking about you before I died, so maybe I did die and youre just here to make afterlife easier" James muttered, trembling, trembling, trembling.

"James, look at me." The Regulus-thats-not-Regulus said, expression pained "It is me. I came here for you, just for you mon Soleil" it was too much, and nothing was making any sense at all

"STOP!" James screamed "don't use that name. He used to call me that. Don't use that name. Don't-"

"Jamie, I'm so sorry" Regulus said desperately "I'm so so sorry, I will answer all of your questions when we are safe, but we need to leave right now, we need to go"

James eyes tried to concentrate on this Regulus' face, on the soft curls he threaded his hands on multipletimes, the eyes that he lost himself in, the freckles that marred his porcelain skin, everything he could. He knew he looked crazy, but he was trying to absorb all of Regulus that he missed the year they were apart. Even if common sense told him to not go with him, that there was no way Regulus was actually there, all sense of reason always left him whenever he was near, so he slowly reached to take Regulus extended hand, and when their palms united, James felt complete again after so long of being left half empty.

Regulus took his palm with a softness that felt familiar and foreign at the same time as he slowly rised it to him lips, kissing his knuckles softly with a heartfelt "Im sorry" to accompany it.

"Im going to need more than that" James said, his whole arm burned but his mind was clearing from the panicked fog by the second "but that shall wait, let's go"

They had a lot to talk about, Regulus had a lot to explain, but they had to get out of here first.

#jegulus #james potter #james x regulus #regulus black #starchaser #marauders #angst #based on that dr. who scene #mlm yearning #jegulus microfic

[youngchronicpain]

refresh, refresh, refresh

pain, pain, pain

I'm so fucking tired

#chronic pain #don't look at me I'm trying to make a phone call I should've made a month ago #and I'm so anxious my doctor is going to be annoyed at me at my appointment next week #because #I didn't do the thing #but I didn't do the thing because I'm in so much fucking pain I'm at my l i m i t for dealing with things #because they made me turn off the one thing that helps my pain without medication or like... a body of water #fuck fuck fuck

[bibiana112]

fuck waiting until friday to get my cardio appointment actually

#that's fucking it tomorrow is exactly a month since I've had this I'm going to the fucking hospital #I didn't know heart attacks aren't all sudden and sometimes have weeks of ongoing signs beforehand fuck that #I can't eat I'm too busy crying not entirely out of physical pain but also I never felt so lightheaded while crying this little #I hate my parents I hate how they believe family is the most important thing in the world but if I'm scared I'm just supposed to deal with #it on my own because they'll never bother to understand me I hate that I'm alone if my roomie was already back #she'd have helped me go the first night I felt something wrong #why do I always have to do everything I'm so tired #i love alexythymia i love so much neglect growing up that I can't understand my needs physical or emocional and just have to endure it #I love you dead is the new alive that started playing on the other room rn really comforting #delete later

[confinesofmy]

my favourite thing about hannibal nbc is that will graham was already very traumatised when the show started. not yet from the gore or the abuse and gaslighting nor from the illness that nearly killed him, but from a lifetime of experience as an autistic person.

he's on-guard at all times, deeply aware that he's different from other people and that sometimes people find him so very interesting that they feel like their interest should outweigh his bodily autonomy. he meets othering from his coworkers with the grim acceptance of a man who fully understands the intricacies of how they are excluding him but also knows he can't stop them. you can see the miles of hurt in almost everything he does, every interaction he has. well, not so much with hannibal after he gets comfortable around him but that's a different post.

#and he's so fucking lonely in the beginning! #the closest thing he has to a friend is... alana? and she's very very very careful with him #literally too scared to fuck him because handling him is such a complex task to her #then hannibal shows up and he starts wiggling his way in‚ sharing meals and visiting will at home and taking interest in his interests #hannibal nbc is a goddamn horror show. that's so scary. #what if someone understood you and empathised with you and knew exactly how to treat you that didn't make you feel like a freak #for once in your whole fucking life #oh and also they want to know what you look like when you're in the worst pain of your life. and what you'll do‚ how you'll act. #that's so scary!! like if i think about it too hard i start tearing up #i guess bc i'm an empath 💅 #adam talks too much

[running-in-the-dark]

had a conversation about gym class with my friend who I went to school with today - it was depressing but also nice to hear that her experience with it (at that particular school) was just as bad as mine.

I don't think the way my school treated gym class was entirely normal tbh. it was completely different to the school I went to after, anyway. and everyone I talked to there only knew gym class to be a pretty fun, lighthearted thing. at my old school it was only about achievement, you had to be perfect, if not you were usually yelled at. and if you couldn't participate because you were feeling a bit ill (but not enough to stay home from school) you were ridiculed and/or insulted in front of the whole class. this happened with every gym teacher we had over the whole 9 years there.

it felt like two hours of punishment, there was nothing good about it. and it made at least the both of us feel like any kind of exercise/sport, especially in a group setting, was terrifying - for years after. even my much more positive experience at the other school I went to didn't make that go away.

#maybe my school really just sucked #I mean I already know it did. but maybe it did in even more ways than I thought #maybe it's a Gymnasium thing. idk. any Germans please feel free to comment if gym class at your school was like this #and it wasn't just because we were bad at sports or anything. I got very good grades in gym class at the other school. and my friend does a #ton of different sports now and everything #I remember there was a girl in my class who got a 1 (the best grade) in every other class and a 4 (out of 6) in gym class. and the teacher #was so fucking awful and gleeful about it. he made fun of her so much. #I'm pretty sure I was about to get a 6 in gym class right before I dropped out - and that definitely played a part tbh. I just couldn't #spend one more second with that gym teacher. he was horrible and gross and mean (and sexually harassed girls at another school! but of #course he was still allowed to teach at our school!! ľ #anyway. gym class was the worst part of my (already not great) life from 11 to 19 so I hope all my old gym teachers break both their legs :) #except one. he was really nice to us and didn't do any of the stuff the others did. but we only had him for a year in between all the other #ones so it wasn't enough :( #like one of our (female!!) teachers would loudly make fun of girls who said they couldn't participate because they were on their period and #in too much pain. #in front of everyone. when we were like 13. #I hate that woman more than any of the others. #lol it's funny how like half of my issues are because of my parents and the other half is because of that fucking school #I will never forgive my mother for forcing me to go there and never letting me change schools even though I asked to for 8 fucking years #personal

[coffeeworldsasaki]

Once again chanting in my mind "graphic card" to avoid snapping at my mother saying dumb shit

#how do you always get to the wrong conclusion of everything oh my godddddd #yeah yeah a lot is wrong with doctors like a fucking lot I'm well aware I've suffered huge amount of pains for years for that #but she says it from a novax point of view so she's still wrong by saying the right thing and it annoys me so much! #obviously she's too fucking fatphobic to see how that is one of the biggest issues in medicine #fun fact my father is not taking meds to heal from something that could actually kill him because it stops him from eating #that's apparently okay but vaccines aren't #someone should study their brains under a microscope #also my father problem was probably caused by the extreme diet he did that was mostly starvation #at least i feel better about myself #sometimes i get very depressed about all the things I'll never be able to do because i fucked my wrist at 18 but at least i did that #crocheting #he completely destroyed his health to lose weight #also even more fun thing he wanted to lose weight for reasons that didn't have anything to do with the weight he probably just can't eat #grains #he got better as soon as he stopped eating normal pasta and switched to the fake ones made with rice and stuff #they didn't connect the dot #but the second i thin person started to have issues breathing #that are definitely side effects of covid btw #grains were immediately blamed #god i shouldn't get into these rants because i just get mad at their stupidity AND I NEED TO STAY CALM FOR THE GRAPHIC CARD #and especially not build enough represed rage about it to risk trying to choke my mother the next time she says it's fine i lost all that #weight #sure it's fine losing weight because of illness and depression is fucking wonderful #i have to fight with myself most days to eat enough but sure that's fine I'm staying thin!

[wrecking]

edit: i ended up just ranting abt like the current vibe™ in the tags... sorry abt that but like also whatever i don't care anymore

#d #my food therapist really said the most real thing on planet earth when she said i'm meeting me at the same time everyone else is #i feel like a cringey overzealous emotionally dumb teenager who's a total embarrassment to everyone around me while i'm trying 2 say fuck i #cuz like this is the first time in my entire life i feel like i get to actually explore my identity and do like normal young people things #and i feel just. so so exposed in the sense that everyone is watching me make a fool of myself without a single shred of self-awareness #and it makes me so fucking mad cuz like i'm finally happy with myself!! i'm finally starting to feel like a fully formed person #instead of a 2d projection or an object or something monstrous hiding in the shadows because that's how i've spent until now imo #and like. it's hard to emotionally make peace with the fact things in my social life are changing because like. there's some part of me #that thinks that maybe if i stayed in that miserable place that maybe i wouldn't have any of the problems i have now #and like my life is a lot better. and i know that and i wouldn't change a thing. but like emotionally i guess i'm just #processing it as a fault of mine to have changed bc it's changing my relationships to others #and this isn't about any one specific thing like i've been having lots of small growing pains with a lot of ppl in my life rn i just am lik #there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig #which might happen or it might not and tbh either is ok at this point. i need to do this in order to live i think #idk why i'm even rambling about this i just have a lot of thoughts and i want to share them i guess. not like it does anything but like #what else is this app for at this point lmfao i barely even want to talk on here anymore because i feel like everything i say on here is #just pointless. i'm thankful i have a strong support system rn cuz genuinely i don't know what i'd do if i didn't like #i feel like everything is so much more emotionally Big to me on E and it's kind of hard trying to figure out how to manage it #like i'm basically finally getting to be me. for worse AND for better. and i just am like. insecure on some level i guess #not even over my appearance tbh i've kinda made peace with that. moreso my personality and what things i share with others #this whole post is so wholly unnecessary but i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't get this out of my head #i've genuinely been avoiding talking about my emotions or my private life on here because i don't exactly feel safe on here anymore #which is like great. love it when my primary outlet for like. socially interacting with people casually gets compromised i love it #i literally softblocked like 30 ppl off of here so i could talk abt my weird sex stuff and my body and my deeper thoughts with ppl i trust #and then i still am too conscious about it! this always happens when i make a blog for myself to talk on #maybe i'm just not meant for talking abt things

[phlyaros]

im gonna be real anon I don't care about label shit ship discourse I care about if real people are getting hurt and ONE reblog from someone being jokingly aggressive on the subject isn't enough to convince me that people are getting hurt when there's more evidence to the contrary. you've put me in a shitty situation here and I don't want to engage with it. please just ask people what they actually think next time before you go throwing your assumptions at other people.

#i trust enough that most of my mutuals understand the nuance needed of media depiction of unsavory subjects. #if i'm wrong then I'm wrong. okay. thank you. #i hate the dichotomy i hate the lack of nuance in this discussion I want people to actually talk to each other #I want people to realize that you can respect people with different opinions than you if they aren't actually hurting anyone #I'm literally. someone who was alone with me a lot as a kid is in prison for CP/solicitation. I think if anyone can say that media- #depiction of fucked up shit that really happens is more nuanced than 'x is bad so it shouldnt exist' #you cant do that in real life. you cant make something not exist. just because something fictional contains it doesnt mean it condones it. #im so tired. im so tired. why wasnt this a dm. i dont really want to have this discussion publicly. #i can think things are gross but understand that there's nuance to depiction and just because I don't like it doesn't mean those people- #-don't deserve to have something that understands them. #not everyone is good at actually. being mature enough to handle that nuance. when they try. people can be wrong #and if people ARE weird I can just not engage with them. there's. I can decide for myself! #and now I'M stuck in my brain is insane and. as if! as if people always reblog things they 100% agree with! #im so tired. im so tired. im in pain and people are messaging me about a singular reblog from six months ago on someone else's blog. #i understand being cautious i really do but thats like insane behavior. why are you putting this on me. why didn't you just talk to me. #fucked up things happen and people deserve to be understood. okay. even if i don't like it. there is no right answer. there is no world- #where all pain can be avoided. saving private ryan made vet suicides skyrocket. did you know that #but it also understood those people. yknow. and there's more people living that it understood too. #there's just so much nuance that's thrown out when you cover everything you don't like with a blanket. okay #it's more complicated. it's more complicated. please. #in my mind it's far stranger to assume everyone is out there giggling and twiddling their fingers thinking about in/cest #than it is to just assume they don't until proven otherwise. #im so tired. just block me if you don't understand where I'm coming from. I don't care about ship disco/urse and i dont want to live- #constantly worried about what other people think about shit that has no right answer. #everyone is innocent until proven guilty and one reblog of a joking aggressive post isnt enough for me. sorry. #phlyaros' nonsense #euurgh. #welcome to the internet where we judge people based on one reblogged joke and nothing else even if it contradicts us #what a perfect encapsulation of what I don't like about dichotomy argument #tw suicide

[dimonds456]

it's 4 AM so you know what that means! Time for me to make a list of all my disabilities so I can clearly lay them out for both myself and the nonbelievers to see! Like a normal person!

Yes, I'm able-passing, and there were days previously where I questioned whether or not I'm actually disabled or if I was just faking/exaggerating it, but no. Not anymore. The sheer length of this list alone is enough, let alone if I had just one or two of the things on here.

I have: - Chronic Depression - Chronic Anxiety - ADHD - Autism (more than likely, not confirmed) - Graves Disease / Hyperthyroidism - Balance issues - Weakness in knees / elbows - (Tendency to fall the fuck over because of this combination) - Aversion to heat above 60º F (15.5º C) - Need glasses - Astigmatism / sensitivity to light / Graves eye bulging - Audio processing disorder - Fucked memory / focus / CANNOT read numbers quickly idk why - Breathing issues (I deadass just. Forget to breathe sometimes.) - Shakiness in hands (thank fuck it's mostly gone away, but not 100%) - Inconsistent heart rate - Unsteady grip / "chronic butterfingers" as I've been calling it - Back pain - Hip pain - This one doesn't have a name but I walk on the sides of my feet instead of just stepping down normally because nothing I have ever done in my entire fucking life is normal - Bad leg that never healed properly - Trauma - More trauma - Holy shit there's so much why is there so much of it and why am I only just realizing how much there is holy fuck - I know I'm forgetting some but this is all I can remember off the top of my head

But yeah I'm able-passing. :)

#dimond speaks #is this a vent? #idek at this point #i'm just tired of people not fucking believing me when I say that i need a minute or that there are Many Things Wrong With Me #I feel like i'm really self-aware as a person but i have to be because of aforementioned Trauma™ from my past #i don't want this shit to define me- i really really fucking don't #but at the same time i literally cannot ignore any of this shit #all of it gets in the way of my every day life too fucking much #people are wondering why i need a cane to walk even if “i'm fine”. this is fucking why #i'm NOT fine and have not BEEN fine since like 2nd grade #i'm tired of hiding my pain #i'm tired of shoving it down and pretending that it doesn't exist #doing that made me actually traumatized from fucking SUMMER. y'know- the SEASON? #i ignored my needs and forced myself to work during the summer just so i could get a bit more extra cash that A) i didn't need #and B) so my mom would stop bugging me about it #i deadass almost died last year. and now we're gonna do it again. #i'm in a better spot both physically and mentally than i was last year but still #if i feel like this is getting to be too much i'm quitting and finding a different job. #this is me making a promise to myself right now. #i honestly like working at dollar general. i really really do. but i am promising myself right now to give it up if shit hits the fan #until then... i'll keep trying to stay positive. i hate dwelling on this stuff but i'm also tired of running from it #i shouldn't be running anyway lol i'm gonna have a heart attack #...that wasn't funny i'm sorry #the moral of the story is that you never know what others are going through i guess #disabled #actually disabled #chronic illness #chronic disability #graves disease #hyperthyroidism

[army-of-bee-assassins]

i feel like this season of h/dm has gotten considerably worse but also i'm not 100% sure i'm remembering the previous seasons correctly. i remember mostly liking them and just finding some things weird. but maybe it was just as bad as this season and the amount of time that's passed since i watched them has simply made me forget how much stuff i didn't like

#i think i'm pretty fucking easy to please with tv shows too like i don't have a very critical eye for this kinda stuff #but maybe it's because it's a book adaptation and as always we gotta feel strongly about those #i just feel like the dialogue is absolute shit like who is even writing this - did it change? maybe it was always shit idk #and just random plot changes that i hate #some big some small but like #why was lyra the only fucking one experiencing pain on the boat!!!! that's straight up not canon and literally makes no sense w/in canon #and we got our first glimpse of atal and there was zero indication that she uses a wheel #it didn't even look like she could i mean she had four normal hooves #the seeds are so important to the story what are they doing with this!!!! #maybe we'll see them using wheels next episode but idk how #idk the acting is still mostly good imo #i feel like the actors are doing their best with very fucking stupid scenes #anyway all of this is just sorta making me feel like maybe this just isn't an adaptable book series #at least not as a tv show where you have to stretch things out so much so they're just inventing bullshit to fill the gaps #hdm lb #i hadn't really wanted to make a tag for this but #there have already been so many things i've wanted to complain about here and i'm sure it will only continue #so ya know blacklist as needed (esp if you're enjoying the show - i'm so sorry i don't want to ruin ur experience) #edit: OH i forgot to complain about costuming/makeup too!!! #shouldn't be a big issue but god it's also (imo) just hot fucking garbage in this season #did they get the non-unionized people??? overworked and underpaid?? #did they have zero budget for this fucking hbo show??? #i feel like they didn't even fucking try #those ugly orange jumpsuits and the horrible makeup for the angels #okay sorry i will stop complaining now (until there's more episodes next week lmao)

[murobrown]

.

#new ability unlocked....✨health anxiety✨ #I'm tired man I'm so fucking tired of panicking all the time because I feel like I'm going to pass out ot throw up #or constantly googling health symptoms what makes me feel thousands times worse and definitely doesn't calm me down #one day I'm sure I'm getting a heart attack on next day I have a brain tumor then epilepsy then I go for aneurysm... #fucking funniest thing is that it's been going on for two months and absolutely nothing happened to me #i just have constant headache nausea and pain in my stomach but I haven't passed out or threw up or anything #fuck I just want back my normal life when I'm not in constant worry #i feel like im 24/7 in a high alert panic mode so I can't comprehend anything calmly... #i feel like an animal that's constantly just running away from something #I'm scared too see a doctor because I don't even know how to explain my problems...they will think I'm completely insane... #I can't remember last time I ate something without feeling anxious and being in pain afterwards #and the worst thing is that I developed even ubhealier relationship with food by counting calories :)))) #so even though I eat nothing I need to push myself into an intense workout because my brain tells me I need to burn everything #i didn't know ai could be even more messed up than I was before #but hey I lost a ton of weight and I am in the best shape I've ever been... it's all I ever wanted and it cost me only my sanity :))))) #i don't even have clothes to fit in anymore because everything literally falls down from me... #currently I'm convinced I'm going to pass out and die any second but I know I'll be alright I can't just die out of nowhere... #I'm healthy and everything will be okay...I survived so much and it will get only better #if you read this rant I typed out while hyperventilating congratulations you get a free cookie and a warm tea I'll be making #guys but seriously...do you know how to tackle this? or the only logical way is to see a doctor? #because I don't know how long can I go on like this considering from September my job should get even more stressful... #now my stress level is high like never before... just thinking about September is giving me a panic attack #aaaaand those are the things I shouldn't think about because the only thing stressing me out the most is my fucking self :) #that's the damn problem like the thing that's making me most stressed is the stress 🙃 #I feel nauseous because I'm stressed and I'm stressed because I'm nauseous...makes sense #i think I'm loosing my mind...and it fucking sucks that I do this to myself for no reason at all #i have a nice relaxing day and then in the evening I decide to think about all the bad stuff and kill it all #another scary thing is living on your own without any close friends in your life and with your family hours away...it won't let me sleep #if anything happens I'm alone...if I pass out right now I need to take care about myself #i often think how long would it take to find my dead body here...and then I shake and cry because I don't want to die

[medicinemane]

Seriously, it would be a mercy to kill me. I'm begging for help dying. Do you not see why it's fucking torture to keep my alive while living with her? I'll never escape her, like there's just no practical way to make it happen

And yet, till I get my act together and find a way to die already, show must go on

#you can't stand still; no matter how miserable you are there's shit you got to do #lord knows I'm bad at it and it takes me forever; I'm not even close to good enough or getting enough done #but still... I slowly work at it and occasionally do things like get rid of the trailer by myself #and in return I get lovely anons telling me to stop using my one point of socialization and to go get some help #my misery repulses them and I really need to fix it before I get back on the internet #and I'm so sleep deprived and in so much pain from having to be a therapist today; especially with how bad it was today #that I'll just be blunt that if I could distill every bit of pain I feel #I'd fucking seep it into people's bones when they say shit like that #I want to see how you deal with it; I want to see if you writhe just by living my life #I've told you all so many times that I'm bitter and cruel and that you only don't see it because I'm polite #there's a reason I identify so much with Soulcutter as a sword #and it's because I'd call it the sword of depression almost as much as I'd call it the Tyrant Blade or Sword of Despair #the way it's described; like it drains the will out of you meaning that even the idea of holding it aloft becomes tiring #...I could fucking wield it; I know how #that's not a blade you draw; you rest your hand on the hilt and let the misery eat into everyone carving them up #and you realize how pointless it is to even bother keeping your hand there and let it go limp and slide off #and frankly if I had it I'd be real tempted to carve a path of despair through the world... especially anywhere policy makers were #I'll work with everything I have to make sure no one ever feels like me; or as few people and make them feel as little of it #but it would be a lie to say I didn't want to force you all to feel it exactly as I feel it #then you come back to me and tell me all the ways I'm not doing enough and need to fix my depression this way or that way #you feel the decades of total isolation and you tell me if I'm doing as badly as you've decided I am

[knifegremliin]

btw if anyone was wondering my wrists are still shit.

#🔪.text #and getting worse apparently. #considering i have been almost completely unable to use my right wrist at all today because it's been hurting so bad #and the fact that there's now a new pain in it on top of everything else #honestly the only good thing to come out of today is it was cold enough that i was able to wear my trench coat again #which i didn't get to wear pretty much at all last winter because it was so warm #there were also some flurries this morning so i'm hoping that means we'll actually get some snow this year #but. yeah. #everything fucking sucks. #feels like this wrist thing is never gonna go away #like. thanks. #having the worst time mentally and i can't even fucking do anything to really distract myself because all my typical activities i Can't Do #i can't draw. i can barely write. and i don't really want to do either anyway because my writing sucks #and i'm growing unhappy with my art again too so :/ #i also can't drive so i can't really do much photography #(and i know for a fact i can't drive because i tried that yesterday and i'm pretty sure that's why my wrists are worse today lol) #and with how bad my wrists have been today i don't think i could do it even if i had someone else drive #and regardless i don't have the energy or desire to leave the house. so. #this world sure is determined to kill me. #like okay damn bitch i get it you hate me #but could you maybe be just a little bit nicer about it? #either give me the dangerously debilitating depression or the frustrating almost as debilitating wrist pain. not both. #pick a struggle please. #ugh. anyway. #i do have an appointment with a more specialized doctor to get shit checked out because obviously my wrists are not healing #but it isn't til december 5th so. it's still a whole week away