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pebblysand · 1 year

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i haven't done this in a while. i used to be very intent on getting these extended a/n-s over the line at the same time as the chapter, which then ended up taking too much time. however, having recently seen the lovely @whinlatter do them for her own fic (also whose template i'm entirely plagiarising, sorry), it's inspired me to do this again. forgive my lateness.

acknowledgements: i would like to extend my most sincere thanks to @turanga4, @welsh-green, @whinlatter, @btelling, @ala-baguette, @greenhousethree, @uncontainedhybrid and everyone else on discord. you have allowed me to vent about All The Things, to pretty much use all of you as sounding boards for this chapter, and have answered my strange questions about air conditioning and automatic vehicles. truly, this chapter would not have been possible without you.

wordcount: let's not talk about it.

soundtrack: i feel like there was a just lots of music for this chapter. there are obviously all of the songs that are mentioned in universe: my name is, californication, here with me, wannabe (oh, the music of the 90s) and the oh-so-amazing bongo bong song which, i have discovered, never actually charted in the US (a crime, as far as i'm concerned). but also a lot songs that i listened to on loop at different times while writing this. caravane and young as the morning, old as the sea (two absolutely gorgeous travel songs), iris (the first-dance song of every wedding ever before ed sheeran took over), the seer's tower - jamie cullum's cover (idk how to describe this song. the cover is so beautiful and creepy at the same time. it's one of my favourite jamie cullum covers), what they'll say about us (an incredibly sad but beautiful love song - idk it's just #vibes), it's called: freefall (a tiktok cover i actually fucking love - love the singer as well, she's the same person who sings labour - and which i totally plagiarised in-text), and what is love? (which i also plagiarised lol). they are all on the castles playlist.

what is this chapter about? sex. love. the intersection of.

this is long and spoilery, so putting it behind the cut.

genesis:

i've honestly rarely been scared by the white blank page as much as i was before starting to write this chapter. i think this was due to a number of things: taking three months off writing (and wondering if i'd be able to pull it off again - i always worry, for some reason), but also this idea that this chapter was such a big ... aeroplane that i needed to land. i remember talking about it on discord a few weeks back, this idea that i'd built up so much, with this story, that i'd set up so much, and now having to deliver something that would be realistic, true to the spirit of castles (#sexandfunerals), but also fun and loving and healing. whilst, as i've said before, this story isn't about a relationship (i know a lot of you would like it to be, but i'm sorry, this is not about harry and ginny), it is a relationship that is obviously important. to the plot, to the characters, to the picture of the post-war world i'm trying to build. to me, doing justice to that relationship is essential in order to also do justice to the other elements of the story (the politics, the friendships, the feminism, the rebuilding of life, really). i've always seen love and romance as a part of life, and therefore as a part of fiction. and, i think i just wanted to treat it with the reverence it deserves.

as a result, i quickly made the decision that this chapter was going to be "just" about harry and ginny. the reason for that is three-fold:

first, narratively speaking, i wanted chapter sixteen (and, no, the fact that 8x2=16 is not a coincidence) to be a direct response to chapter eight. they both intervene as the beginnings of a new act (act two for chap 8, act three for chap 16), and exist in a place that's kind of outside of the "normal" time and space continuum of the fic. chapter eight is technically set in january '99, but it's really set in... ginny's letters. reality almost fades in favour of ginny's words and tale, making the chapter feel like it's almost happening right there and then. the actual reality of what is going on as harry is reading the letters is almost non-existent. it's a bit the same with sixteen. sixteen is an interlude, away from "reality" (london, the politics, everything). and, that's what i wanted it to be. i wanted it to be both the exact same, but also the exact opposite of chapter eight. and, i obviously wanted it to deal with the events of chapter eight, but in a tender, healing way. i had a whole conversation about this with @celestemagnoliathewriter on the podcast where we discussed how, in my opinion, once you deal with these very sensitive issues (non-con, SA, rape, etc.) in a work, you sort of owe it to your reader, too, to show that journey and to show what consensual sex can look like, too. and that, to me, was also the way this chapter was framed as a response to chapter eight. i wanted it to be about sex - but in a positive way.

secondly (and, obviously, this is very self-serving) - harry and ginny aren't the main focus of this story. their relationship is part of it, but not all of it. as i've said above, this is #shippygen territory. therefore, i unfortunately can't spend All My Time on this. so, in a purely technical sense, it felt more "efficient" to me to spend an entire chapter dedicated to them, get most of the rebuilding and relationship admin "done" in one chapter so that i could move on to other things. this obviously does not mean that there will be no romance/relationship stuff in the other chapters moving forward (there's tonnes) but it means that i've laid the ground work, you know? and although this chapter is 22k (sorry) i think it would have taken me a lot more time and energy to lay that same groundwork efficiently, had i not dedicated an entire chapter to it.

lastly, i think there was also a bit of me that was like: i want to write romance. which i know is strange. most of you don't know me as a writer of romance, but i also am. before HP, my entire "trade" was basically shippy fics. i enjoy it, i find it fun, and so i wanted to write it.

(below, a few individual points i thought i could talk about, in no particular order)

the american roadtrip:

as explained above, when i started to think about what the rebuilding of H&G's relationship would look like (which obviously happens throughout act 2 but really materialises in this chapter) i came to this conclusion that i wanted to have this chapter be a little bit of an interlude "outside" of normal life. and, as i've also said this before, my favourite niche sub-genre of post-war fics are fics that include travel. i mean, what can i say? i'm a traveler, i love going places to explore. i'm on a plane at least once a month. and, i've always had a soft spot for stories where harry "fucks off" and goes travelling somewhere, with or without ginny, to heal. for the record, here is a selection of my favourites:

the grown up driver by pocketfullof ; venn diagrams of one circle by aceofdiamonds ; warm front by flagpoles ; maps to the stars' homes by lizbee ; beauty lays behind the hills by meliebee

and so, obviously, when it was time to create this chapter in my head, the idea of a road trip came very naturally to me. i was like: i need them to focus on "them", i need them away... let's take them away, you know? i'd always sort of dreamed of writing one of those travel fics, and so it was so, so nice to realise that castles itself was going to give me the opportunity to do that. super self-indulgent, but oh, so enjoyable. it came at the cost of a little "suspension of disbelief" (sure, they're going to drive a car even though they can apparate ; sure, harry can just fuck off from his job for two months ; and sure, the fact that Quidditch season starts just at the end of september when i need it to is a total coincidence lol) but you know, who cares? i hope you did suspend your disbelief, lol.

now, on the choice of the US: i feel like the US is obviously the quintessential "road trip" destination, but i did consider others. i also toyed with australia for a while, south africa, canada and argentina. i ended up ruling out the first three pretty quickly because a) i've never been to australia or south africa and b) i have been to canada but never driven there. as you now know from our research episode on the podcast, anything that requires me to do extensive amounts of research is an automatic no (lol), so. the only one that really held some ground against the US was argentina because i love the country so much, we did drive around quite a lot when i was there, and i felt like there was a lot of potential for magical worldbuilding. but my issue was a) i went to argentina in early 2020 so i felt like the country was probably very different from what it would have looked like in 98 (coming back to our #idontwannadoresearch issue) and b) i would have kind of needed to change the timing of the trip if i wanted them to go in summer. i really considered this, i felt like there wouldn't be that much difference in having them go away over christmas rather than july/august/sep, and i feel like flying over Mount Fitz Roy or Perito Moreno rather than the Grand Canyon would have been equally spectacular, so the research part was really what did it for me in the end. i've just been to the US so much. i lived there for a year. i also have a lot of friends there who i can ask stuff to about the late 90s if i need to. it was just... easier. H&G will go to argentina for their twentieth anniversary or something lol.

now this being said, dearest americans, i hope you forgive me for... roasting your country a bit? in good spirit, i promise. i love the US. the US is just... funny, you know? what's with the aircon everywhere? and omg the state of your roads. buffalo is a shithole, i will not apologise for that, i have been there too many times. it was just so much fun to write this from harry and ginny's perspective, build in some little quirks they would have noticed. the trelawney bean joke. that and the line "This is the late 90s - there’s still something sort of “aspirational” about it." will never not make me laugh. what the fuck is happening to this country right now? do you need a hug? it was also fun to wonder what magical life would look like there. i think what i built is very inspired by what i could find on pottermore, although i did sort of pick and choose what i liked. and also fuck, the grand canyon is literally the most beautiful place on earth.

lastly, sorry to all of the areas i didn't mention. i initially wanted to get them to loop around but of their own accord, they decided to go at a really slow pace so i decided to scratch the north west and the south east. i really wanted them to drive down the coast from seattle to LA, but alas. they'll come back later, i promise lol.

harry and ginny:

i think, honestly, all i have to say about them is in the chapter (and, if it's not, it'll surely be in my asks, lol). my babies. i think what i really wanted this chapter to be was like: them, talking. face to face, not through letters. just existing together. joking around. confessing things. arguing, sometimes (as we all probably must). in light of the many comments i've received over the last 48 hours (for which i cannot thank you enough), it seems that that was achieved. obviously, castles is also very much about sex and so i wanted this chapter to be about them rebuilding that, too. harry has this strange mental block, of course, which is him being terrified of basically being "like" Amycus and forcing her into something she doesn't want and also fearing that she actually doesn't want them to be together. it's hard to believe someone who's lied to you in the past, regardless of their reasons. it's hard to be told "yes, you did make me think of him" and build past that. i also really want this to be a callback to last summer where, as harry says himself:

Last summer, everything was difficult but the sex was always the one thing that worked, between them, and now everything is better but every time his hands are on her skin, he freezes. He wants to slam the car into a tree like that will shock him into living.

i wanted this chapter to not only show the struggles, but them actually working through the struggles. communicating. and, i don't know if you've noticed, every time they do "argue," they sort of get better at it. at first, they have this fight about bodycount (see below for more on that) where neither of them is actually a) talking about what they're really talking about, b) saying what they want to say and c) talking about what they should be talking about. then, slowly, carefully, they communicate better and better to the point that when they "fight" inside the car before grand canyon, it's not really a "fight" and more of a reflection on how to solve a very practical problem.

@gardenroses1 said something in her comment this morning which really intrigued me and is something i genuinely didn't plan for or notice: every time H&G fight, they do it following some sort of "external" intervention. either the press (prior to the bodycount fight) or the millers family (prior to the "i want to believe you" fight). it's true, was totally unintentional, but also feels super interesting and goes to what i felt in my gut prior to this chapter: that they needed to go away to truly focus on rebuilding this. again, i feel like their foundations are strong enough, now, that when the outside world attacks them again, they will know how to respond better. but, i thought this was a very good point to note!

the line:

He wonders if girls just get better at reading people because their lives depend on it.

this was quoted back to me a few times in my comments and so i thought i should maybe talk about it a bit. or at least, acknowledge it. i actually don't particularly like that line, i tried many times to phrase it better, gave up and almost deleted it, verifying once again this strange phenomenon that @btelling and i have recently identified where, whenever we seem to think like a line is too on the nose and almost delete it, it becomes the line that everyone loves, lol.

i mean, this reflects what it says on the tin, right? if castles is one thing, it's the place for me to push my feminist agenda (lol) so there you go. smashing the patriarchy one line at a time.

on "bodycount":

if you were following this tumblr last summer, you will remember this: i used to get a lot of asks about ginny's sex life. stuff like: wouldn't harry be mocked because ginny slept around? and: wouldn't harry feel insecure about ginny sleeping around? and even once: what's ginny's bodycount? (if you don't believe me, look through here). often (though not always) these were formulated quite rudely (which actually led me to implement the politeness policy) and i must admit, i wasn't always super nice, myself, answering these. i think they just sort of puzzled me. given the themes of this fic, i tend to think of my audience as liberal, feminist women in their 20s & 30s, which made it all the more shocking to get questions from people who were clearly not part of that demographic. the way the concept of "loose women" and "bodycount" is inherently tied with the control of women's sexuality by the patriarchy should be news to no one, reading this. and, i mean, on the one hand, sure, these were legit questions given the society we live in, but not ones i would necessarily expect to be asked, you know? i think especially the bodycount one really surprised me.

the first iteration of this chapter included the whole issue of sex (i.e. harry not wanting to "force" her, etc.) but the bodycount talk was actually a later addition. i don't know where it came from. i remember i was actually writing a whole bunch of conversations that were to occur before the road trip (and ended up being moved around into the road trip for the most part) and harry and ginny just started ... talking about it. it was very sweet and cute and him basically telling her he didn't care. i kind of liked it and sent it to @btelling as a sort of "look what my anons make me write" thing but then i was like: wait a minute, i think there's potential for more here. i remembered there was this idea that stemmed from the anons i was getting that was like: harry will be insecure about her sleeping around and i was like: i mean, maybe, but what about her though? because for a girl who's barely 18 and still probably very much affected by patriarchal ideas, having been through what she's been through, it's like: well, what is he going to think about me, right? and, she kind of asks him what he thinks in chapter 14 and he's like a) telling her he doesn't care/mind and b) that he is a bit insecure, too, which i think alleviates her concerns a bit until, well, he doesn't seem to want to sleep with her, right? and she's like: wait, were you lying? and, i think for ginny as well, she sort of wants it to be about that because if it's not that, it's the fact that she "slept" with amycus that's putting him off, which is much more serious and traumatic for her.

as i said above, i loved writing that fight in the hotel room. i realised that the cute and sweet conversation i has originally written could be turned into an argument very easily by just changing the tone, which definitely was a good sign. and having harry snap: i didn't ask the next day was so enjoyable. he thinks he's saying the right thing by saying he doesn't care, but that's not what she wants to hear. she wants him to care, because for her it's a part of her that isn't "perfect" and she wants him to know about it and accept it, rather than ignore it. and getting to resolve that misunderstanding was just so satisfying.

lastly, i've had comments telling me 28 wasn't a lot. she's barely 18. this happened over the span of 3 months-ish. i don't care if it's a lot or not a lot and the fact that people have an opinion about that is just fucking gross.

ah, the patriarchy 🙄.

miscellaneous:

you have @btelling and @turanga4 to thank for the fact that i kept R&H's wedding. this chapter was so long, i genuinely considered deleting the first 5k. i also considered doing two chapters (one for the wedding and one for the road trip) but those would have been annoyingly uneven. i hope you enjoyed lol.

the flight over grand canyon was almost a flight over the Great Lakes. initially, it was grand canyon. then, that felt like too much time as i was going north then south so i changed it and decided to have them sleep together right after the upper peninsula (which, by the way, not making the trip upstate when i lived in michigan is my biggest regret - this was just me getting to go there by proxy). but then, when i got to that point, idk, it didn't ... work? and, when i'd made the change, although the great lakes region is gorgeous, i was super upset to not get the grand canyon sights, so i changed it back. i think it was just better in terms of scenery and timing in the end.

speaking of the grand canyon.... i used chatGPT to describe it LOL. or, at least get inspo on how to describe it. as we know, i'm not very visual so while i have been there, it's always difficult for me to describe the grandiosity of something. so i prompted chatGPT to describe the grand canyon at night to me in a "romantic" way and TA-DA. honestly, i only took a couple of sentences from the few paragraphs it gave me, but it was just good to get the juices going. i thought i'd mention it cause i don't think all AI is evil.

if you've listened to the podcast episode on romance, you'll notice a few references to the ep (When he opens his eyes again, their palms let go of each other and they stumble, landing inside their motel room. A rough transition between the grandiose and the mundane, and a bed that protests loudly whenever they move, and carpet that reeks like centuries-old cigarettes.) i was editing the ep whilst editing castles so i thought it was fun to play with the discussion @copper-dust and i had had a little bit.

i think H&G will go on one annual trip per year now. just somewhere. they deserve it lol.

aaand, that's it for me. this was way longer than i thought it would be lol.

if you have any questions, let me know ❤️

#castles #chapter 16

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