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#because it has like 7k words atm

stayevildarling · 1 month

Note

not sure if you take requests atm… but if you do, could i request an angst, mina x cordelia x billie x reader fic where reader is struggling with like depression and/or sh, but tries to hide it from her girlfriends. i know you’ve written a few stories just like this one, so please feel free to add anything or twist the story however you’d like. idk im just thinking some kind of argument but a fliff ending

thank you! have a good day

Wilhemina Venable x Cordelia Goode x Billie Dean Howard x Reader- Confessions in the dark

A/N: honestly I considered making this even longer but I have no idea whether people enjoy reading very long fics anymore. But I can easily make a part two with this as I don't believe it would end there and like this because let's face it- life isn't all sunshine and rainbows 🤷‍♀️

word count: 7k

tw: mention of depression (very mild), mention of self harm (mild), mention of troubled eating (very mild), mention of being sick, cursing, smoking

taglist: @lunaticwhittaker, @billiebeanhoward @lanawinters-ily, @kenzbro, @minaslittleone, @httpfiftyshadesofgay @whitelotus00 , @ninaahs , @vintagepaulson , @isle-of-earle, @paulsonsratched, @stepintomyworld, @grilledcheeseandguavajelly, @lucyintheskywithxanax, @fanfics4world, @mymiraclewitch, @hazard-to-myself, @awritersometime, @ohrwurm26, @wastdstime

As the day slowly winds down at the academy, the atmosphere shifting from a busy morning filled with classes, errands and working, to a cozy and relaxed one. Wilhemina had been working, Billie as well but having a more quiet day, only some meetings on her usual busy agenda. You had spent your day moping mostly, trying to focus on teaching your classes and helping out your students, eventually collapsing on your bed as the responsibilities tired you out, causing you to retreat to the comfort of a nap, sleep drawing out all the thoughts that had been lingering on your mind lately, shushing the battles you had been fighting in silence for the last few weeks.

When you eventually awaken, your usual darkness surrounds you and clouds your thoughts but as you almost lazily scroll through the academy, you find her. Medium to your heart. Billie arrived home earlier than usual, her presence bringing a sense of warmth and comfort to the spacious living room. She settles onto the plush sofa, kicking off her heels and letting out a contented sigh as she sinks into the cushions. Not expecting either of her girlfriends to have finished with their days yet, she is surprised to find you lingering by the doorway, chuckling seeing you so comfortable in an oversized hoodie and looking adorable as ever.

You join her, snuggling up beside her on the sofa, grateful for the chance to unwind together after a long day. The two of you share easy conversation, laughing and joking as you catch up on each other's day. Billie's presence is like a soothing balm, and you find yourself relaxing in her company, feeling safe and cherished.

,,How has your day been babydoll?'' she asks as she presses a gentle kiss to your forehead, her nails comfortable settling on your back, creeping underneath your hoodie and scratching over the skin ever so gently in a soothing way, the way you loved it most.

,,It's been fine, how about yours?'' you muster up your best smile, trying to avert her eyes as you knew she could see right through you. As she begins to share some details about her day, her manicure appointment and some meetings today, you notice Wilhemina lingering in the hallway, having returned from work a few moments before. She moves gently around the room, with a sense of quiet grace, her presence adding an air of sophistication to the space. She joins you both after a little while, giving you both a gentle smile before settling in her armchair besides you and listening to Billie talk about her day, the redhead usually enjoying some quiet rather than sharing details about her day, very much like you but at the same time very much unlike your other two girlfriends.

Cordelia on the other hand, has been out running errands, her day filled with tasks and responsibilities. At first the was doing some work in her office, going over some council things, replying to some emails, checking for any new applications. Briefly, she made an appearance in one of the classes run by you and Zoe, smiling contently as she noticed everything was running smoothly. After lunch, she decided to head out, doing some errands, including shopping and also visiting the doctors office to pick up Wilhemina's medications and prescriptions. Usually the redhead did these things herself but she had asked Cordelia as she knew the supreme needed to head out today and Wilhemina couldn't make it in time. During her visit and conversation with the receptionist, knowing the four of you and especially the supreme quite well by now, she however, received some unexpected news.

And as she finally returns home, her mind racing with worry and concern, the tension is very noticeable as she enters the living room, taking a deep breath, as her eyes lock with your own. Almost ignoring Wilhemina's and Billie's presence as the medium stopped talking when noticing the supreme's presence and greeting her with some warm words. All three of you notice, the tension and the concern written across the blonde's features and so Wilhemina is the first one to take over, sensing yours and Billie's hesitation and the flick of fear in your eyes.

,,Honey, what is it?'' she asks gently, trying to make eye contact with the supreme. And despite the flicker in the blondes eyes, acknowledging the redheads statement, her eyes can't help but leave yours.

,,I stopped by the doctors office today to pick up some of Wilhemina's medication'' she begins and instantly you shiver in Billie's arms, the blonde noticing the shift from you comfortable and safe in her arms to being able the feel the tension so clearly.

Wilhemina's eyebrows furrow in confusion, not understanding what any of that has to do with you, before her eyes travel towards you and noticing your state.

Cordelia takes a moment to gather her thoughts, her mind racing with how to broach the sensitive topic, doubting whether she should have talked to you alone, however her worry not being able to delay this conversation any further. ,,Sweetie'' she addresses you directly, her tone gentle yet a little firm. ,,Why haven't you been picking up your medication for quite some time now?''

The room falls silent as Cordelia's words hang in the air, the question not being answered, as all you can do in response being shivering in Billie's arms. The medium's brows furrow with concern, as her hands try to keep you calm, trying to reassure you as she is sure there is an explanation for this, despite the flicker of guilt in her brown orbs. Wilhemina's expression remains neutral, though her eyes betray a hint of worry. All eyes are on you now, awaiting your response and what they are sure may just be a simply misunderstanding.

As Cordelia's words sink in, you feel a knot form in your stomach, your thoughts racing as you realise they had caught on. The weight of their gazes on you, Billie's hands on you, hit you like a ton of bricks. You guessed they would eventually catch on, despite your best efforts at hiding your emotions and state, however you didn't expect it to be today of all days, now, in-front of the other two as well.

Billie's hands travel towards your cheeks, trying to give you some comfort as she meets your eyes, noticing how your chin begins wobbling, tears lingering in your eyes, the tension in the room growing with each second. ,,Babydoll, is everything okay?'' she asks softly, the concern evident in her voice and features.

Wilhemina watches you intently, her expression unreadable as she waits for your response. Though she remains silent, her gaze holds a silent plea for you to open up, despite knowing you are very much like the slightly older woman, having a hard to time lay your feelings out like that. Her eyes eventually find Cordelia's, both questioning her choice of bringing it up like that, at the same time giving her an understanding nod, sharing the blonde's concern over you.

And as time flees on, the seconds slowly turning into minutes, you try and think of something. You could easily lie, making up some sort of excuse for not having been able to pick it up, or even blame it on the doctors office, making some kind of mistake. You despised it, lying to them, but you couldn't share how truly bad you had been feeling. For a moment it does cross your mind, whether to be honest, tell them about the battles you had been fighting, how you had really been struggling with sleeping, eating, often making excuses and how an all too familiar friend, the blade, had come to greet you again some time ago.

And then the room begins spinning a little, the lack of food mixed with your anxiety slowly bubbling inside you, threatening to spill out any moment and cause for panic to win over. Billie's hands still linger on you, but you can't feel them, their gazes blurring together as one, mixing in with the walls and furniture, the orange and yellow from the sun setting in the background. And then your ears begin ringing a little, fading out the sounds of Cordelia's words, begging you to fill them in on what's been going on. But somehow, Wilhemina notices, how your eyes are fixed on a point somewhere, staring into nothingness, how your hands are shaking, your legs bouncing up underneath the blanket ever so slightly, how your face turned noticeably pale.

,,Y/N, I need you to talk to us'' Cordelia begins again, ignoring your state as her thoughts of concern and worry win over.

,,Cordelia-'' Wilhemina begins, slowly drawing her eyes away from you and towards the redhead. And when the blonde notices the expression on her girlfriends face, she instantly stops, her mouth closing as she stops the words that were about to follow. Wilhemina's eyes plead with her to stop, to notice your struggling state and to focus on helping you rather than interrogating you right now.

Cordelia fights back some tears, internally scolding herself for pushing you and not noticing she was pushing too much, not noticing your vulnerable state, still sitting in Billie's arms. And then, they just let you sit in silence, waiting for this little storm to pass as your breaths become a little more erratic, your chest rising and falling quickly. Wilhemina composes herself, reaching for your hand, as Billie lets go of them. And when you feel a slightly firmer grip on your hand, your eyes snap open, her brown eyes drawing you towards her.

And as you look up at her, meeting her brown steady and safe eyes, the little reassuring smile and feeling her thumb rub little circles on your hand, your breathing finally returns to normal, the colour slowly finding it's way to your features again. And just like that, her safety guides you back to reality, your vision much less blurry, the panic slowly subsiding. She simply gives you a proud little smile as you return the favour by mouthing the words ,,Thank you''. And then the room is quiet again, Billie glancing at Cordelia, who still stands in the room, almost frozen, watching the exchange between you and the redhead.

,,Are you tired little one?'' your girlfriends asks, noticing how you are trying very hard to blink the sleep away. Glancing at your other two girlfriends, you simply nod, feeling a little shy and embarassed, also guilty for never answering their questions. ,,Let's get you upstairs, shall we?'' she asks before balancing on her cane and holding out her hand to you. You hesitate then, glancing at Billie who simply forces a smile and nods, allowing you to go and reassuring it's okay to get some rest.

And so you take her hand, not daring to glance at Cordelia, feeling horrible and guilty for ignoring her like this, but at the same time not being able to help it as sleep and a sense of fatigue washes over you, almost drowning you in it. And so carefully, you balance on Wilhemina, quickly up on your shaky legs and following her upstairs. Billie and Cordelia watch as the two of you leave, the only sound to be heard, the sound of Wilhemina's cane as the two of you ascend the stairs and eventually make it into your shared bedroom. Cordelia sighs heavily as soon as she hears the faint sound of the bedroom door opening and closing, almost with a sense of defeat walking over to the sofa where you had sat and sitting down next to Billie, rubbing her temples in annoyance and distress.

,,I'm sure it's nothing, darling'' Billie tries to reassure her, noticing the supremes state, knowing her words wouldn't give much comfort to the blonde, but wanting to try nevertheless. ,,I'm sorry'' Cordelia whispers, the guilt weighing heavily on her mind. ,,I shouldn't have brought it up like that'' she apologies, more to you and herself rather than Billie Dean. ,,I understand love, but you're worried and it's okay'' the medium reassures as she reaches for the supreme's hand and giving it a gentle squeeze, her girlfriend simply responding with a sad smile.

Meanwhile, Wilhemina had guided you upstairs, with so much love and gentleness, it almost makes you cry as you sit on the bed where she had sat you down. As the room turns darker and darker by the minute, you watch as she walks over to your wardrobe, carefully opening some draws until she finds your pyjama one and looking for some comfortable ones. Once she is content with her choice, she reaches for a hairbrush and scrunchie before returning to you. Neatly, she places the clothes beside you, before ushering you to turn around. ,,Mina- you don't need to'' you begin to protest but she shushes you quickly with a gentle smile and shaking of her head.

And so you comply, sitting crossed leg and turning around, before you feel her fingertips slowly brush over the top of your head, before leaning her cane on the bed, brushing through your hair gently, removing some knots, before braiding your hair for you. Usually, Cordelia would do these things for you, without ever asking for it, but your Delia loved taking care of you and so there is something so special about this encounter with your Mina that again it almost brings tears to your eyes. Her hands feel so gentle on your scalp that it almost makes you fall asleep, yet the braiding keeps you awake a little as she has to apply a certain amount of pressure to make your hair stay in place. Once she finishes, she reaches for her cane, putting the hairbrush back neatly in place, as you turn around and reach for your pyjamas.

,,Let me help you with those little one'' she tries, but you protest then, reaching for them and heading towards the bathroom. ,,Thank you but I'll do this'' you reassure. And she brushes it off then, knowing if anyone tried to dress her, she would be furious, Mina especially struggling with accepting help, even if it was with you three. And as you stand in the bathroom, smiling at first, noticing how much gentleness and care she had put into the braiding, your smile quickly fades as you noticed what pyjamas she had chosen for you. You didn't mind the trousers, however the matching shirt was unfortunately short sleeved as it was the middle of summer and her choice was more than valid.

However, as you take off your hoodie, the red marks another reminder of your foolishness lately, adding another pang of guilt to your features, almost causing your heart to sink in your chest. ,,Shit'' you think to yourself, knowing Wilhemina was perceptive, maybe not as confronting as Cordelia but after the encounter downstairs, you knew you had to be careful from now on, at least if you want to continue the hiding and keep the perfect facade up. And so you opt for the only thing you can think of, putting on the shirt but quickly putting back on your hoodie, easily being able to explain that, simply saying you are cold. And after quickly brushing your teeth, you find yourself back in the bedroom, Wilhemina waiting patiently for you, as she sits on the bed, smiling seeing her little one so comfortable and adorable.

A little unsure what to do next, you simply abandon your clothes in a nearby washing basket, before walking over to your side of the bed, crawling underneath the covers, before Wilhemina gently tucks you in, sitting beside you. ,,Are you cold, little one?'' she questions, noticing how you are still wearing your hoodie. In response, you simply nod, not wanting the subject to be adressed further and despite her being able to tell, she simply tucks you in a little more. Yawning, you glance at her before mumbling ,,You can go back down... mm.. tired'' and she smiles then, loving to see you so sleepy and adorable. ,,It's okay little one'' , she whispers before watching your chest slowly rise and fall, much more comfortable than before as sleep slowly greets you, her hand rubbing little circles on your forehead, lulling you into a soft slumber.

After a while, the redhead carefully gets up, walking towards the door but making sure you are still asleep. And when she leaves, walking down the stairs, she can hear both Billie and Cordelia in the kitchen. Her mouth watering a little as she smells the supreme's cooking, hungry and tired from her busy day, the concern about you still lingering on her mind. She finds Cordelia walking back and forth from the kitchen island to the fridge, gathering ingredients for a quick meal, while Billie is leaning against a counter, nervously fidgeting with her nails. And as the redhead finally joins them, she can't help but notice the guilty expression on the mediums face and how it had been there already when the four of you were in the living room.

,,Is she okay?'' Cordelia asks, noticing Wilhemina's return, her eyes locking with the redheads. ,,Yes, she's asleep'' she states, her eyes wandering towards Billie again.

,,What's wrong with you Howard?'' she questions, noticing the blondes unusual fidgeting and nervousness.

,,Have you also forgotten your medication or do you just need a cigarette?'' she almost mocks, Cordelia giving her a disapproving glance, before Billie chuckles nervously and reaches for a cigarette and lighter out of her handbag, before disappearing to the garden. The other two watching from the kitchen window ,,Something is up'' Cordelia remarks before adding the last ingredients to a pan while Wilhemina nods in agreement, before reaching for some plates and cutlery and placing it on the kitchen table, opting for three, unsure whether you would wake up any time soon.

And while Billie smokes her nervousness away, she can't help but think back to an encounter with you a while ago. How she had assumed that the other two already knew by now but given their lingering concern and Cordelia's discovery today, she worries whether she should have said anything, should have shared what she saw. And despite taking a deep breath, as soon as she returns and takes a seat, she can't help the shaking of her hands or averting their gazes.

While Cordelia serves the food, almost absentmindedly, her thoughts still with you, Wilhemina can't help but feel annoyance towards the mediums behaviour, never usually seeing her high energy girlfriend like this. ,,What is it Billie?'' she asks again, her tone mirroring her annoyance, Cordelia not paying much attention as she sits down and begins taking some bites of the food. ,,It's nothing'' Billie reassures, shakily reaching for her fork and forcing down some food. But Wilhemina couldn't just brush it off, knowing there was something wrong by the way Billie's behaviour shifted as soon as Cordelia filled them in on her discovery and how that same guilty expression had been on the mediums face ever since.

,,Why do you look like you just broke one of your newly manicured nails then?'' Wilhemina jokes, trying to lift the mood a little and hoping the medium might share then. And when Billie stays silent then, dropping her fork and not responding with her usual sarcasm, Cordelia picks it up, her attention now on Billie, equally abandoning her food as she notices the mediums unusual behaviour.

,,Billie darling, what's wrong?'' Cordelia questions, reaching for the mediums hand and placing her warm steady hand on her shaky one.

,,So you don't know then?'' Billie questions, her eyes locking with Cordelia's.

,,Know what honey?'' the supreme asks dumbfounded before Wilhemina joins in.

,,You knew about the medication?'' she questions, almost a little sternly but Billie is quick to shake her head.

,,No, I had no idea about that'' she confesses, only adding to the confusion on her lovers features.

,,What is it then?'' Cordelia asks, anxiously, not understanding what Billie was implying.

And when an uncomfortable silence falls over the quiet kitchen, Cordelia's and Wilhemina's concern grows with each second passing, never knowing Billie to be so quiet, to not share with them. And while the blonde thinks back to her discovery a while ago, she is hurting inside, her heart beating angrily with guilt. It was a quiet day, just you and Billie as the other two worked late, the two of you carelessly strolling through the gardens, Billie clumsily dropping the cigarette she was about to light, when you picked it up for her. A split second of carelessness, you bending down and your sleeve lifting up ever so slightly. But the split second was enough to see the fresh cuts and her mouth opened after taking the cigarette you held to her but then some girls joined you two and she couldn't say anything. And since then she had thought about bringing it up everyday with you, however she never had the chance as the two of you barely got any time with just you two. In fact, she had thought about bringing it up tonight, as the two of you sat so comfortably on the sofa, knowing about your past struggles with mental health and you taking the medication, but then Wilhemina joined and she couldn't ask about it then. She had hoped silently, that the other two already knew, Wilhemina ever perceptive and Cordelia just Cordelia and always knowing and in control of things. However the evening made her realise they had no idea, that she was the only one who had seen you struggling and the thought of not helping sooner killed her, causing for her to sit in silence, Wilhemina's impatience growing by the minute.

,,Spit it out Howard'' Wilhemina tries, pulling the medium away from her thoughts and flashbacks but she remains quiet, growing a little pale.

,,Have you forgotten English?'' Wilhemina pushes, her own anxiety betraying her.

,,I just assumed you knew being the supreme and all and you.. you wear glasses'' Billie finally speaks, pointing at Wilhemina, unsure how to ever say the words lingering on her mind.

,,What do you mean darling?'' Cordelia tries gently, her eyebrows knitting in confusion, not understanding what Billie was implying.

,,You know...'' Billie tries, stopping herself from putting those words in her mouth, the thought too painful.

,,No we don't, what do you mean Billie?'' Wilhemina tries again, softer this time, noticing how much her girlfriend is struggling with this.

And then after taking a deep breath, she finally fills them in ,,Harming herself'' is all she says, Cordelia instantly knowing what Billie means, her eyes closing as the pain of Billie's words sink in, remembering your struggles in the past and the faded scars on your wrist, despite them being barely visible when she had last seen your arms anyway.

However, Wilhemina didn't know as much as Cordelia as you never wanted to burden the redhead with your past, her own way too painful for you to ever be selfish enough to burden her with your pathetic attempts to rid you of the pain you endured. ,,What do you mean?'' she asks a little dumbfounded, not understanding how you could be harming yourself. But as she meets Cordelia's form, seeing how quiet she had gotten, how she never questioned it, how she simply sits there with her eyes closed, tears forming in Billie's vision, she knows and the realisation almost kills her, much more painful than the pain her body gave her on a daily basis due to her scoliosis.

,,Why on earth didn't you say anything?'' Wilhemina argues, now dropping her fork in annoyance as it clanks on the plate. Cordelia's eyes snap open, startled at the sudden noise and her girlfriends raised voice. ,,I assumed you both knew, I'm so sorry'' Billie apologises, the guilt gnawing at her insides. ,,Why would she do this to herself? I don't understand- Cordelia?'' Wilhemina tries reasoning with the blonde, hoping she could make this any less painful.

But Cordelia doesn't say anything, as a wave of concern and anger washes over her, concern for you and also anger at herself of how she didn't pick this up, only now realising how she hand't seen you in short sleeves in ages, how you had often not been in bed at night when she sometimes woke up, how you had often made excuses about meals. How she hadn't really seen you all that much, thinking about it now and how you had seemed so tired and sad and how she never picked it up until now, as if Billie's words only now wake her up and make her see. And so with one swift motion, she almost jumps out of her chair, startling the other two in the process before she sprints upstairs, Billie and Wilhemina looking at each other with both shocked and concerned expressions, before they are quick on their feet and behind their girlfriend.

,,Cordelia.. Cordelia'' Billie tries but it's hopeless as by the time they are both upstairs, the supreme is already by the bed, tugging at your sleeves. You jump from sleep, confusion washing over you as you try to yank your arms away from your girlfriend. ,,What are you doing?'' you ask confused and angry, just having woken from sleep.

,,Show me'' the supreme demands, her voice firm and lacking her usual gentleness. Billie watches in shock, while Wilhemina is already in the bathroom, searching through absolutely everything, trying to find some evidence, knowing you wouldn't show them, at least not like this.

,,Show you what?'' you ask confused, jumping from the bed and holding onto your sleeves, backing away into a corner as Cordelia continues to take steps towards you, her concern lingering on her features.

The blonde sighs in frustration, seeing you back away like this, before Billie takes over, taking gentle steps towards you, wanting to show you she has no intention of checking, no intention of scaring you further. ,,They know honey'' she whispers, tears lingering in her eyes as the realisation suddenly dawns on you.

Moments later, Wilhemina returns with a little makeup bag and you sigh heavily, knowing what she had just found. She holds the bag in her trembling hands, giving it to Cordelia as they pass each other. Inside the supreme finds a pack of razors, some tissue and wipes, shaking her head in disbelief, not understanding how she could have missed this, fighting back her tears as guilt and concern wash over her. ,,Are there any more?'' Wilhemina questions sternly, searching your face, searching your eyes but you remain silent, shivering as you stand in the corner under their gazes.

,,Y/N'' she tries again, banging her cane once in frustration, causing you to flinch. But this time Billie is quick to interject, positioning herself in front of you and stopping the redhead. ,,Wilhemina- enough'' she scolds, pleading with her to notice your state now.

,,No Billie, you do not get to do this'' Wilhemina argues ,,You knew all along'' she counters, causing the guilt to fill the mediums features again.

And then the room fills with silence, as neither of you can find the right words to say. Billie simply standing frozen, facing Wilhemina, still protecting you by hovering in front of you. The redhead holding onto her cane for dear life, the anger very visible on her features. Cordelia having abandoned the bag by now and sitting on a nearby chair as her legs felt like giving out, sighing in frustration as she watches the confrontation between Billie and Wilhemina unfold.

It doesn't take long before the confrontation triggers your anxiety again, causing you to shiver even more, your stomach twisting and churning before you eventually grow pale. Seconds pass until a small gagging noise escapes you, the panic growing in your eyes before you run towards the bathroom, brushing past your girlfriends. Wilhemina sighs, the guilt of this whole encounter weighing heavily on her, Cordelia and Billie sharing knowing glances and sighing in defeat, knowing they could have prevented all of this, by Billie speaking up sooner and Cordelia not addressing this in the way she had earlier this afternoon.

And as you empty the very small contents of your stomach over the toilet, tears stream down your cheeks, not from this whole encounter but more from being sick. You absolutely hated being sick, and so you can't help the hot tears escaping you. With a few deep breaths it's over and you quickly compose yourself, flushing the toilet, before brushing your teeth, wanting to rid all the evidence of what just happened. And as you stare at your pale complexion in the mirror, your brain races with thoughts, thinking what you could do to make all of this go away, to go back into hiding and them not knowing as this was exactly what you wanted to prevent. And so, the only thing your brain can think of in this moment, is make it all disappear, rid you of the scars and cuts so you could lie, go back into hiding and make this all go away.

You begin by closing your eyes after abandoning the toothbrush, rolling up your sleeves and focusing your magic on your wrists. If you were in a clear state of mind, you would know this could never work, especially not on the healed ones, or to begin with. You knew it needed healing potions and swamp mud to even remotely make it go away but your magic could never make them disappear like that. Still, you pathetically try, growing annoyed at yourself as you open your eyes and they are still there. Eventually stumbling backwards and sliding down the side of the bathtub, trying over and over again to make your magic help you out.

Meanwhile the three of them remain frozen, each of them contemplating whether to go in and help you but they knew you prefered to battle everything in silence, including being sick and they all breathe out in relief once the retching stops and the sound of a toothbrush can be heard. However, Cordelia is quick on her feet when her supreme senses alert her of something else. For some reason, Cordelia could quite literally smell your magic. It always lingered in the air whenever you used magic around her, the smell of strawberries. Ever so slightly and ever so subtle and it doesn't take long for her to connect the dots and figure out what you are trying to do. The other two watch in silence and confusion as she bursts through the door, sinking to her feet as she takes in your shivering form. And despite your best attempts to roll your sleeves back down, she had already caught a glimpse of it, knowing you are trying to make all of this go away.

,,Sweetie'' she tries, holding your hands back ,,No, No, No'' she tries to stop you ,,It doesn't work like that sweetie'' she reminds you, taking your sobbing form into her arms. ,,Shh'' she coos as you finally fall apart in her arms. The blonde is quick to sit on the floor, lean on the bathtub herself before pulling you into her chest, you holding onto her shirt for dear life, for some support to guide you through this storm. Billie and Wilhemina watch the scene unfold in confusion, not understanding what you tried to do in the first place, not being able to do much beside watch and frown, seeing their sunshine in so much pain, all the guilt and anger subsiding from their features slowly.

,,You're okay darling, it's all going to be okay'' Cordelia reassures as she holds you closely, grounding you by guiding you through your breathing, her perfume and smell calming you further as you listen to her steady but slightly quickened heartbeat. And so the two of you sit on the cold bathroom floor, neither of you caring about that as of right now. And after a while, your sobs slowly subside, the only sound to be heard your quiet breathing, as you close your eyes and continue holding onto your darling Cordelia. ,,Come on sweetie, let's get you to bed'' she tries gently but your eyes remain closed. With a worried glance, she looks up at Billie and Wilhemina who remained frozen in the exact spot, the medium quick to support Cordelia by helping her lift you up and gently take you to bed. And as you lay there, you still don't move, simply curled up, with your eyes closed before Billie tucks you in.

,,We need to let her rest'' the medium announces as she glares at the other two, getting ready to head to the bathroom to get ready to join you in bed. Wilhemina and Cordelia simply look at each other, a questioning look on the redheads face. ,,She-'' the blonde begins but quickly gives the redhead a signal to follow her. The two of you stand a little away from you before Cordelia explains ,,She tried to get rid of it with her magic'' and Wilhemina simply nods, understanding now what the supreme had sensed before and with a worried glance taking in your exhausted form.

And as the night wears on, the three of them join you in bed, Billie opting for the space next to you as she snuggles into your side, holding you close as she wraps her arms around you. As if she could make it all go away by holding you closely to her. Wilhemina in her usual spot but not able to sleep a wink, so in the end opting for simply sitting comfortable on the bed, a book in her lap, watching over you, Cordelia and Billie sleeping softly while holding you. And her thoughts can't help but trail off, why you hadn't told them, why you hadn't told her specifically, also about the medication. She worries then, that there was something about her that made you not feel safe, whether she was too strict or intimidating with you at times, despite a little voice reminding her that you hadn't shared with the other two either and that after all she managed to calm you before when panic was rippling through you.

It's about 3am when you wake, the only noises being heard the occasional car outside, the moon illuminating the coven and your bedroom, however another light source coming from another side of the bedroom, assuming it must be Wilhemina's nightlight. And then you hear a quiet noise, the sound of a book page flipping and you can't help but turn, being able to feel both Billie and Cordelia beside you but not your Mina. And as expected, she sits there, reading glasses on her face, her hair down which was a rare occasion, a lilac nightgown keeping her warm and comfortable. And it both made you sad and content, knowing she was awake because of you but also appreciating not being fully alone. You consider turning around again, hoping the soft arms of your girlfriends would coax you back to sleep but also knowing there was no way your racing thoughts would allow that.

And for some reason, the previous evening caused those all too familiar thoughts back, you felt guilty wanting to punish yourself, you felt pain wanting to make it go away, you felt fear hoping the blade could rid you of those. But you know they wouldn't have kept your things anywhere close to you and you also knew with Wilhemina awake she wouldn't let you brush past her, especially not now. And so the only thing you can do is cry, ever so quietly, trying to contain the sobs and simply letting the tears flow. But Wilhemina notices, despite your back faced to her right beside her. Cordelia and Billie beside you on the other side of the bed. She notices how your breathing was a little different and when the first sobs wrecks through you, she is quick to abandon her book on her night table, her hand reaching for your shoulder in an attempt to turn you around.

Shivering into her touch, you pretend you can't feel it, pretend you aren't crying and sobbing but it's useless as her hand taps your shoulder again, begging you to turn around. And when you do, her face crumbles seeing you in so much pain and wanting nothing more than to hold you, to comfort you, to fix all of this, to make her little one happy again. ,,Little one'' she whispers, her face filled with concern. ,,Come here'' she offers, moving her legs a little so you can get comfortable on her lap. You don't even hesitate, moving closer to her, settling on her lap, checking her expression whether it hurt her back. And for a while she holds you, her hand rubbing soothing circles on your back, helping you through each sob, wiping your tears in between with her thumbs, trying to make all of this go away.

It takes a while, but you settle in the end, finding your breathing as the sobs had stopped, as your Mina had wiped most of your tears, only leaving your damp cheeks. ,,Little one?'' she tries, softly, causing you to look up and meet her eyes. ,,Are you alright?'' she asks, unsure what to say at this moment as you really hadn't said all that much to them yet, and it worried her. ,,Hmm'' you simply nod, unsure what to say, your tired eyes locking with her worried ones. Silence follows before you feel her fingertips travel from your back towards your arm, beginning at the top before ghosting over your hoodie and stopping by your wrists. ,,Can I see, little one?'' she tries, her eyes still locked with yours. But you flinch, not really caring about Billie or Cordelia seeing them now but Mina, you simply couldn't.

And so, you shake your head no, feeling terrible as she was so kind, gentle and loving right now but you couldn't, not with her. ,,Why?'' she questions, not sternly or angrily but curiously, wanting to know why you couldn't let her see. ,,I can't Mina, not with you'' you whisper before doubt fills her features. Her earlier concerns and voices returning, telling her you had no trust in her and you can tell, by the way her eyes avert yours and how her expression turns into a pained one. ,,I can't show you because I feel terrible'' you admit, tears lingering in your eyes again. Her eyebrow furrows in confusion, before she looks at you again with a questioning look. ,,Why little one?'' she tries, brushing a strand of hair from your face.

,,Because.. you have to go through so much pain Mina'' you whisper, the truth spilling out of you a little bit. ,,Everyday and I'm so stupid for doing this to myself, I'm sorry'' you confess, biting your lip anxiously as more tears pour from your eyes. Once the realisation hits her, her face scrunches up in pain, all the doubts and self consciousness leaving her, unable to believe that despite all the pain you had been going through, her still your main concern and caring more about her feelings and pain than your own. ,,Little one'' she tries, her eyebrows knitted in concern, her eyes filled with heartache. ,,This is not the same'' she begins ,,You are hurting and that's just as valid my darling'' she reminds you. You falter then, glancing at your wrist as she gently lifts your sleeves, her eyes landing on the healed and cuts from a few days ago.

It brings tears to her eyes but Wilhemina knows how to fight them back, knowing she needed to be there for you now. But she hated it, the thought of you so sad to do this to yourself. ,,I'm sorry that we didn't see this little one, I'm sorry we didn't help'' she apologises, gently pulling your sleeves back down, to make you feel less exposed, internally grateful that you showed her, her heart swelling a little at your honesty with her in this moment. ,,You aren't mad?'' you whisper, a little anxiously but seeing no shame, no disgust in her features. ,,No little one'' she reassures, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. And somehow she makes you feel so safe and loved that you feel confident enough to confide in her in this moment, the truth about the past few months and weeks spilling out of you.

,,I stopped taking my medicine a few months ago'' you admit, meeting her eyes as she listens contently, her expression remaining calm, loving and understanding. ,,I thought that- that maybe I didn't need it anymore'' you admit before adding ,,I don't know what I was thinking'' and Wilhemina understands all too well, herself having tried some experiments with her medication in the past before. ,,And honestly I was better Mina'' you begin nodding your head to make your statement more believable. ,,But the last few weeks have been awful'' you admit to yourself more than herself really. ,,It all came back badly and I didn't know what to do'' you finally admit, all the truth finally out there. And Wilhemina simply looks at you, feeling content after understanding your reasoning, not for a second mad or upset with you as she understood all too well.

,,It's okay, come here'' she coos as she watches your face fall apart again, knowing this must have been a lot to admit to her, and so she simply holds you again, getting you both comfortable as she lays you down and holds you tightly on her chest. ,,It's okay little one, it's all okay now'' she coos. Wilhemina tries her hardest to coax you back to sleep and despite it taking a while for the sobs to stop, your breathing to get slower and sleep to eventually welcome you, she holds you through it all. And once you are finally asleep, she sighs, not in frustration, never in frustration but in pain, wishing she could help fix this, wishing this never happened in the first place.

And when morning arrives, Cordelia wakes first, finding Billie still asleep next to her, however she wasn't holding you anymore and she gets scared then, quickly turning around, only to see you cozily asleep on Wilhemina's chest, the redhead watching over you protectively, getting some sleep but waking as the first cracks of light flooded their bedroom. She exhales, the panic leaving her features, before a soft content smile spreads across her features. ,,You okay honey?'' Cordelia mouths and Wilhemina meets her eyes then, knowing she would have to fill the supreme in on this eventually but for now simply nodding and forcing a smile. Cordelia notices the way your fist was gripping onto Wilhemina's nightgown despite being asleep and how your sleeve was exposed ever so slightly. The blonde isn't sure what to do and so she simply does what her heart tells her to, move a little closer and snuggle up to Wilhemina, one arm protectively around you as she seeks in the warmth of her two lovers.

Eventually, you wake as well, opening your eyes only to feel that you are still in Wilhemina's lap, Cordelia and the redhead smiling at you as they notice you waking. ,,Good morning sweetie'' the blonde greets you with a warm smile, Wilhemina's features matching the supreme's softness. Remembering the previous night, you can't help but wonder what Cordelia already knew, what Wilhemina may have already shared with her and they can tell by your expression before the blonde cups your cheeks, brushing over them softly with her thumbs. ,,Sweetie it's okay, I understand now'' she explains and Wilhemina's face grows a little anxious, hoping you wouldn't be upset with her but your face is filled with relief, grateful that you wouldn't have to tell them again as last night had drained you enough. ,,I'm sorry'' you whisper guiltily, tugging at your sleeves a little nervously. ,,Sweetie'' Cordelia tries softly ,,You have nothing to be sorry for'' she reassures.

Meanwhile, Billie finally wakes, having heard muffled and whispered conversation, only really picking up the last parts of it. ,,Good Morning Howard'' Wilhemina greets her, noticing her rolling over and moving closer to the three of you. ,,Morning'' Billie mumbles, still a little sleepily smiling at seeing you three so closely. ,,Someone going to fill me in?'' she asks as she presses a kiss to your cheek. Glancing up at Cordelia, she gives you a reassuring smile. ,,How about we do that over some breakfast sweetie?'' she asks, as you stare at her a little anxiously but seeing both Wilhemina and her comforting and reassuring glances you can't help but nod, knowing Billie equally deserved to be filled in.

And somehow today felt a little more manageable, knowing todays conversations would be unpleasant and painful but also knowing you wouldn't have to hide it all, being able to just be yourself in front of them again, which you hadn't been in the longest time. And in their embraces all you can feel is safety as of right now, as Billie scoots a little closer, also wanting to feel her little babydoll close.

#sarah paulson #cordelia goode #wilhemina venable #ahs #american horror story #billie dean howard #sarah paulson x reader #cordelia goode x reader #ahs coven #billie dean howard x reader #wilhemina venable x reader

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carmillatism · 3 months

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WANTING TO GET SMTH POSTED AT SOME TIME SOON HAVE JUST BEEN GOING THROUGH IT WITH STUFF THAT INCLUDES A LACK OF WRITING THOUGHTS. BUT. SOMETHING SHOULD BE OUT! UDAD MECHS FIC IS ON A BUT OF BREAK BUT A GOOD CHUNK OF CHAPTER 3 IS DONE NONETHELESS. SORRY FOR THE GAP IN POSTING, BUT I WANT TO GET BACK INTO WRITING SOON! currently on the table is a brian's pov of carmilla coming back which probably has a couple thousand words to go (at like 5k rn and i'm estimating ~7k). chapter 3 of water won't clean you is about halfway done. and atm (like tight now) i'm working on an evil dinner fic for pre-airlock mechs because carmilla makes me insane. and then i have just so many other fics i'm working on (including something for the magnus protocol) sporadically. BUT YEAH ANYWAY WRITING UPDATE THANKS

#nas' updates #nas' writing #the mechanisms #fanfics #writing #nas' thoughts

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annanother-thing · 7 months

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Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

@starquestingfordrarry ahhh thank you for tagging me, these are such good questions!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

41 +1 unrevealed +6 that ive hidden

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

238,631

3. What fandoms do you write for?

only harry potter atm but i have written other fandoms before and i am psyching myself up to write some pjo/hoo next year

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Best Kept - drarry, secret relationship, EWE, E, 7k

How Does Your Garden Grow - wolfstar, modern au, T, 1.6k (this was the first hp fic i ever wrote back in 2016!)

Sparks - drarry, soulmates au, secret relationship, E, 20k

White in the Darkness - wolfstar, established relationship, possessive!remus, E, 7k

Maybe Love Could Be A Verb - wolfstar, getting together, idiots to lovers, E, 16k (my first fic coming back to fandom last year!)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

not as much as i should... i hate replying to comments when my work is still anon and i swear this year all ive done is anon fests and then i forget to reply when reveals happen and then my inbox gets super full and i get overwhelmed...

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oooh probably Invisible, Inescapable - ghost!reg, house magic, 16k, M - or Non-Existent Hearts Still Bleed - mostly canon compliant Pansy character study, 8k, M

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhhhh most of them? i dont tend to write sad things

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not so far!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes. all of it. mostly queer but i have done some m/f but mostly in triads and that one tomione dead dove. currently in the middle of kinktober so smut is on the brain

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

no theyve never been my vibe

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

no thank god

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! well, someone asked, idk if they actually did it. it was my pansromione choir fic from pride fest

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

back in the day i co-wrote one with my then-best friend - i think it was the first fic i ever uploaded...

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

nope. impossible question. my ogs are wolfstar and drarry, but i also adore pansmione/pansromione, fleurinny, ginsy, jegulus, jegulily... so many ships so little time...

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i tried to do nano with original fiction several times and none of them really stuck, which im sad about because some of the ideas were banging - lesbian vampires through time, anyone?

16. What are your writing strengths?

ok this is the hardest question by far...

i think i am quite good at the introspection, and characters having to think through their situations, figure out how they actually feel. i blame all the therapy...

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

confidence and run on sentences. i was editing a fic yesterday and found a sentence that was nearly half a page...

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i dont mind it, but i think it has to fit the story. but one of my pet peeves is when people but dialogue in another language and then put the translation in the chapter notes - i have a goldfish brain and by the time i get to the end of the chapter i have forgotten what the dialogue was about

19. First fandom you wrote for?

kingsman back in like 2014/5

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

dont make me choose between my babies! maybe the one that i cant talk about yet (i feel its the most up to date representation of my writing at the moment), maybe my wolfstar witcher!au (longest uploaded fic, and i really struggled to finish it but im so proud of myself for getting there), maybe my soulmate fest one (i was so not happy with it but everyone seemed to like it and it reminds me that i am my own worst critic)

Tagging: @gloivy @uncannycerulean @silently--here @tracingpatternswrites <3

#this was fun!#i love these question games #they really make me think about my work #anna answers

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wooahaes · 2 years

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aight so.

if i write this darl+ing-inspired fic (i have no other name for it rn unfortunately), it’ll most likely be either split into two parts before it branches off for each individual member, or it’ll be one really long part because there’s a lot of set dressing and build up that i’m putting in place

if anyone wants give some feedback... which one would be better? i’m not against writing one really long part and posting it (there’d be a masterlist for the entire thing btw), but i’m also okay with cutting it down into smaller parts if i need to. i’d rather not go past 3 unless it gets really excessive, and i can’t really translate like... my plans from page/word count to how long they’d be as a fic (for example: enouement ended up being almost 14k and the plans doc for it was 14 pages and 7k words--which means, as this fic stands rn (still in planning for the first portion), it’ll be potentially 20k just for those first few parts, or it could potentially be less than 15k. it just depends on how i write since some of the bulletpoints are things i wrote for myself better in the future).

if i need to break it into more than 3, i will, but idk it just depends on what’s easier: 1 really long part, or 2-3(+) of just general stuff.

i just don’t feel right cutting it down at all since theres world building and relationship building between reader (who’s being nicknamed mouse atm, there’s a reason) and the 13 guys so that the romance in the individual parts feels like it has some solid ground.

#wooahaes.txt

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leviathans-watching · 2 years

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hey bestie, I saw the worm fic shdhrjejs they would lol, but I got another request for you 😈😈 how would the brothers react to the one couple's trend- MC waking up the brothers to ask if they're asleep 🥸

-🐸 anon

waking them up to ask if they're asleep

includes: the brothers x/& gn!reader (no pronouns mentioned)

wc: .7k | rated g | m.list

a/n: this was super fun lmao i feel like mc would do this haha. i hope you enjoy! my inbox is open to chat/leave feedback but reqs are closed atm!

warnings: brief mentions of fire

please reblog v,,v

➳ lucifer rolls over, one eye cracking open to glare at you. “did you seriously just wake me up to ask if i was asleep?” he asks, unamused. you nod, and he heaves a big sigh. “go away,” he says, not in the mood for your antics. he’s already crabby enough when he has to get up for reals, and you’re seriously not helping. “go away,” he says again, turning back away from you, dead set on ignoring you for the rest of the night and getting as much sleep as he still can.

➳ mammon squints, confused. “wha?” he asks, and you repeat your question. “well, i’m awake now,” he replies, rubbing at his eyes. “did ya need something? why’d ya ask?” you don’t really have a good answer to that since you really just wanted to mess with him, and your silence clues him on that fact. “oh, screw you,” he mutters. “i was havin’ a good dream too. i was really rich, and you were there too. lucifer was too, but i think he was my servant or something.” mammon pouts. “you don’t deserve to be in such a great dream. i’m goin’ back to sleep and redreaming it, but this time, without ya.”

➳ levi snaps his eyes open, instantly aware. it’s honestly pretty creepy. “what?” he asks. “are you okay? why’d you wake me?” you repeat your question, this time also asking how he woke up so fast. “really?” he asks, shaking his head. “i was, i guess. and i trained myself to do that since i oversleep so often because i’m up late gaming.” he gulps. “don’t tell lucifer that, though! he threatened to take away all of my consoles last time he caught me.”

➳ satan scrunches up his face, unimpressed. “i was asleep, mc. and i’d very much like to be asleep once more. unless there was something you needed?” you shake your head, a bit cowed by his no-nonsense tone of voice, and he scoffs. “don’t wake me up again unless the house is burning down or something,” he instructs. “well, maybe not even then. if it’s a small fire, let me sleep. but if it starts getting too close then i guess i’ll get up.” you can’t tell if he genuinely means what he says of if he’s just sleep muddled, but in either case, you hope there’s not a fire.

➳ asmo gingerly pulls up his sleep mask, blinking a few times until you come into focus. “what did you just say?” he asks, and you repeat your question. “i’m awake now,” he eventually replies. “though i wish i wasn’t! my beauty sleep is totally important and now my cycle is messed up! if i get breakouts because of this, i’m blaming you,” he pouts prettily. “really mc, i thought you knew better.” gasping, he turns his concern towards you. “wait, what are you doing up? you’re going to have like, super dark circles under your eyes! oh, mc, go to sleep right now!”

➳ beel blearily makes an inquisitive noise, and you ask your question again. it takes a little bit for him to truly be aware enough to register your words, but when he does, he responds with concern. “i’m awake now. are you okay? why are you up?” his words are genuine, and he searches your face for any sign of distress. you just shake your head, telling him you were curious. “oh,” he says. “well, now that i’m up i might as well have a midnight snack. want anything?”

➳ belphie just doesn’t wake up. but did you really expect him to? you know he can sleep through almost anything. it was kind of dumb for you to think he would’ve, in hindsight. no matter how much you shake, poke, or prod at him, he doesn’t stir. when he finally does move, you get excited, think he’s waking, but all he does is shift, curling more into his pillow. miffed that your prank didn’t play out, you decide the second-best option is to climb in bed with him, so you do, wiggling into his hold. it’s not what you had expected to happen going into this, but hey, it's definitely not the worst outcome either.

leviathans-watching's work - please do not copy, post, or claim as your own

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dallonm-archive · 4 years

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So I Turned Church Mud Into A Novel Lol Oops | NaNoWriMo 2020

Folks the JOURNEY I have been on in the last 3 days. I’ve been on a great albeit chaotic Church Mud high and it led to? This?

For those who don’t know, Church Mud is meant to be a ~7k words short story for my writing dissertation (and it still is). I attempted to do Draft Zero over summer, completely missed the mark, pretended it didnt exist for a month and here we are. One thing I learnt from that attempt though was that there is a much wider story to be told than what we’d see in those 7k words. Back then I was content with it only existing as a short story, not having all the parts told, because I liked the idea of Felix and Dorothy existing in this small window with a happy ending that’d otherwise be temporary. But I cannot help myself :) I met my advisor on Wednesday and reaffirmed that I’m at a really good place with this story in terms of ideas, themes and character - what’s missing was just the plot. So that’s what I’ve been working on (and killing my sleep schedule over) since, and what happened was: I realise most of my ideas wouldn’t fit the short story --> But they’d work in a novel --> So I guess I’m writing Church Mud as a novel after I graduate? --> But I kinda wanna write it now --> But I can’t --> But I want to --> Chloe your dissertation --> Hey you want more novel content? Here’s chapter titles --> God I Can’t Wait To Write This As A Novel --> Hey that thing where you write a novel in a month is happening soon...could be a...perfect excuse to...….,,,

So I had a ~revelation~ at 4am: why can’t I write it now? NaNoWriMo coincides with when I’m meant to brainstorm this story, so why don’t I take what I have and pants it as a novel, intentionally #LoseNano2020 and use what I wrote to infer what the short story will look like whilst also have a Draft Zero to work with/finish/rewrite next year? I debated if this was a good idea because it felt ~unconventional~ but I realised that a) I want to write this as a novel anyway and b) this is where I’m loving the project and that’s what matters and c) makes it feel less like uni work lol I’ve spent the all day playing around with what Church Mud The Novel would look like, and not only am I o b s s e s s e d but it also taught me? so much? about the short story? I was worried it’d get complicated but from the vague plot idea I have, I have a clear vision of Church Mud The Short Story separate from the novel, but I also see how it would fit into the novel as a chapter, and seeing where it’d fit in has really helped me figure out where it sits in the twins’ lives and so many elements I hadn’t considered before. I believe very strongly in Writers Intuition and my intuition is telling me that this is the direction I need to go with this project. My only issue is Church Mud doesn’t fit as a title for the novel at all and was never going to be the title, but I really don’t care oop, I’m not titling it until next year unless I come up with a title so good I want to change the short story as well lmao. But other than that this is working so well for me and really catalysed the momentum I already had atm for this story. I’ve also wanted to rework how I share Church Mud things here and this is a perfect way to at least for the next month, but before I ramble more lets actually talk about where the story is!

CHURCH MUD

Genre: literary fiction Setting: California (+ probably some other states? Idk I’m not American wtf is a state), 1986 POV: third person present + retrospective moments, split between twins Felix and Dorothy The Vibes: hazy summers, hot air, 3am, saltwater breeze, grainy photographs, empty roads at night, the moon blurred by clouds, arms resting out car windows, abandoned churches, telephone boxes, getting lost on purpose, cigarette smoke, dust from an old Bible Deals with: faith & the weaponization of it to control others, identity, perceptions of reality, chosen family, independence v co-dependence, free will, trauma & what it means to “let go”

CONTENT WARNINGS: religion/religious imagery (specifically Christianity), trauma, toxic relationships, inferred addiction (all updates will be tagged with these/any more specific warnings)

This is still in very early conception, in the sense of it’s existence as a novel, but it’s definitely an expansion on the ideas I had for the short story, where these two seek to let go of their past together so they can live their own, new lives, and also restore their tangled relationship that could never be fixed through letters and distant contact. When Dorothy left the controlling religious cult she grew up in, she never gave herself a chance to properly process the complicated emotions that came with that decision, or the trauma she went through, opting to cope with it by putting all her energy into building her new life and embracing her identity. Watching her brother navigate the same new, confusing path she took four years ago forces her to look back on her own experience, and the repressed memories of events that prompted her to leave in the first place. When Felix catches up with her, he struggles with the realisation that adjusting to this new life and world won’t be easy, and whilst it was the right choice, his impulsive decision has ramifications. Trauma does not necessarily stay in the place you associate it with and for Felix, it’s like seeing all of it from a birds eye view, all at once, including everything he blocked out. With his faith, his sister, and his drive to be a good person, he has hope for himself and the world, but the pain and anger he harbours will not make it easy for him. ^by no means a pitch literally just the copy paste of the quick summary I wrote for myself lmao

The most exciting part of this to me is how different, yet similar the novel feels. This version of the story isn’t necessarily happier, it’s still rough around the edges, but it’s definitely from a different mindset and there’s this haziness to it that doesn’t exist in the short story. It feels like a grainy home video that they’d never let see the light of day. I wouldn’t call it dreamlike or softer because of this, but there is this distinct tonal shift from the short story to the novel that I can only describe through the aforementioned Vibes. As I said, I have an idea of where the short story would fit into the novel’s timeline as a chapter, but they still won’t be the same. The short story is obviously more restricted to one singular event, and that turns the intensity and tension up high. This difference is also 100% influenced by the fact that the short story is set only at night (bar for some potential flashbacks), and the night plays a huge thematic and atmospheric role. Of course parts of the novel will take place at night, but the presence of daytime changes the mindset to me? In the short story it feels like they’re stuck in this perpetuate-esque night, whereas in the novel you know that the sun will always rise.

This story is also very different aesthetically, but at the same time elements of the short story’s aesthetic come into play and clash with the unique aesthetic of the novel, where they coexist, but are also in conflict with each other. As you can tell from these two moodboards where you can really see how for the second I gave up trying to make it coherent lmao:

To me there are two distinct aesthetics, and they are both very different and exist in different ways, but they are both inherently part of the story, and it feeds into this idea of perception of reality and these two realities that the twins perceive: the “outside world” and the gated world they grew up in.

The stars of the show, my favourite disaster twins:

Not fragile, but not made of stone either

Loves very hard, sometimes more than she’d like

A protective and loyal soul, especially with those she loves, but she never wants to forget to protect herself

If I’m in love with my best (female) friend, no I’m not <3

-goes to the edge of the pier and stares wistfully at the ocean so everyone knows that I am the main character-

Loves her brother more than anyone else but is struggling to figure out his new role in her life. As teenagers she felt painfully tethered to him because they were always The Twins, and she had nobody else, as adults she hopes to find a balance between their deeply close bond and their harshly different lives

Arc driven by defining your identity and then redefining it, and facing the parts of it you’d rather lock far away. Also deals with her experience growing up as a girl in a religious cult in the 60s/70s, and the relationship faith has with her feminist identity.

As of now, there’s more focus on him in the novel, since the short story focuses on Dorothy and I feel to write him from an observer perspective I need to get into his head first

Just found out restarting your life completely is hard?

Trying to be a good person, wants to be a good person, but there’s an anger in him that he hates but it’s festering and it’s growing

But ultimately he is a sweet and soft person and that’s what he wants to be in life even though it’s hard, it shows especially with his sister

I think at some point he locks himself in a cabin and? I would too

Centred around perception of trauma and v influenced by my own experiences with that, where you think things will be easier as soon as you leave that situation but really it just makes you look at everything from a distance and be like “what the fuck?? that actually happened??” (which conflicts with the fact that you KNOW you’re in a better place and you would never go back, but it hurts and it’s hard especially understanding the placement of your trauma in this new space)

I need to give this dude and his sister a happy ending for my own wellbeing. I don’t know how that’ll look but these two will get their happy endings. I actually don’t think I’ve loved two characters more and I love all my characters deeply

And I think that’s all for now! This 100% was not the direction I expected to take but I am so glad I did, and I also love the opportunity to reintroduce this story because good Lord it’s changed so much (and this instance is the most change). I also think this is the perfect Nano scenario for me, as someone who’s never done it before, there’s zero pressure on me to “win” because I don’t expect to even finish this. I’m just going to see where it takes me and see what it’s given me at the end of the month. I’m also not outlining this at all lmao, one because me and outlines do not get along but also my Preptober is just. the work I have to do for my dissertation anyway, which is reading and gathering a lot of fiction/nonfiction about cults/religion, and all the weird and unhinged takes on it. It’s very slow but it’s also fun! My uni work this weekend is literally to read The Girls by Emma Cline so I think I won here?? I also want to dedicate the rest of October to the short stories I planned to write for Nano (I was going to work on my collection).

I don’t know if I’ll do a taglist for this - I have the og Church Mud one but like I said I’m rethinking how I want to share this story and updates for this will only be regular in November so?? But chances are I will be constantly on my bullshit for the next month and a half with this story, pretty update or no pretty update

My NaNoWriMo page is here, although fair warning I have No idea how this site works, this is my boomer moment. Excited to clown about this story though!

- Chloe

#first off my fatal flaw is interchanging between Felix and Dorothy and Dorothy and Felix #second off i would die and kill for them #writing #amwriting #writeblr #writeblr community #religion /#trauma /#nanowrimo #nanowrimo 2020

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momentofmemory · 4 years

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10 Writer Questions

tagged by the lovely @seek-rest :)

1. What’s your favourite genre to write?

Angst and emotional hc, but like... hopefully in a way where the character(s) work through it, instead of just dumping trauma on them and moving on. It’s pretty much a staple of both my fic and original writing.

2. Do you pull inspiration from real life, or do you pull things from other books/fanfiction you’ve read?

Almost entirely from real life/canon, I think? I’m sure some ideas from other works sneak in sometimes, but for the most part it’s just expies of my own emotions getting publically eviscerated.

3. Do you tend to write one-shots, short stories, or longer things?

What tend to get posted are oneshots, though I have multiple longer projects that I just still haven’t finished (if I ever finish my Merlin post-finale canon compliant fic, which has over 120k credited to it atm, it will be my magnum opus). I really love the 2-7k range though, because I love getting to just explore one idea really deeply. ...It’s also the perfect length for me to edit. Extensively. And excessively.

4. Do you prefer to write description or dialogue?

I really love doing both, depending on the mood; I feel like I have a pretty good ear for voices. But still, I think description is what I default to a lot of times. I just DIG sensory information so much for creating a scene.

5. Favourite fic/book of all time?

Book: Asterios Polyp by David Mazzucchelli, the graphic novel I spent a year with so I could graduate and yet still love with my whole heart.

Fic: Ah ha ha. One? Do you know how much fic I read. Uh, I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before but once again I’ll go with Sail Up The Sun by @aetataureate-ao3 because I just. Think about it. A lot.

6. Favorite Trope?

Angst with a Happy Ending, probably. X Needs/X Gets a Hug. H/C. ...Also just Angst. OH. And literally any Friendship tag. Gen fic makes me go feral, man.

7. Are you the kind of person to work on more than one WIP?

Yes and no? It’s more like I obsess over exactly one (1) thing for months until it either works or I’ve sucked the joy out of it and need to move to another thing, then eventually come back to it. I can’t bounce from one to the other, though: my brain has exactly one (1) track.

8. How long have you been writing?

Writing since I was like, 6. I got a trash computer when I was 10 but didn’t care because all I wanted was the Word Processor and I was VORACIOUS. And then posting since 2007 in some way or other, except around 2012 I vanished from the internet and only resurfaced in 2019.

9. Do you tend to write more in the morning, afternoon, or evening?

I love writing in the afternoon (2-6) but that rarely happens. Morning writing is impossible, and then I have a hard time writing in the late evening unless I wind up having a frenzied writing session late late late at night and regret everything the next morning. Basically anywhere between 2 and 9 is safe. Outside of that that I am a gremlin.

10. Do you prefer to post and update your WIP chapter by chapter or wait until it’s 100% complete before sharing it?

I never post anything to my Ao3 unless the first full draft (all chapters) is completed, so I have a clear idea of the major story beats and structure. It does, however, usually undergo major editing from that point, so from there I just post chapters as I’m satisfied with them.

Tagging 10(ish) people: @beguilewritesstuff, @experimentaldata, @feeisamarshmallow, @aetataureate-ao3, @hoppe2bealive, @friendlyneighborhoodsecretary, @reachingforaspark, and @whitecatgraycatblackcat. Only if you’d like, as always. :)

#tag games #personal #fanfiction #writing #seek-rest #thank youuuuu <3

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yasbid · 3 years

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hi sorry ive been like, dead in a garbage can. lemme scrupdate y'all on what the hell is going on.

foist of all, c&c isnt cancelled! the final chapter is in progress, at least about a quarter of the way done. i havent jumped ship, because i like to see things through to the end (especially things i promised id finish). i know its been a while since the last chapter but things have been kinda crazy, and writing is still something i do in my downtime. im just a little stuck and my motivation has been just...completely absent. i love this fic but usually when i get to the tail-end of things i start getting excited about something else & then most, if not all, my attention is focused on that. which is why it takes me 500 years to finish things.

there's also a gross explicit sequel to that chahut/reader thing i did, which is kinda short. also explicit and not for kids. i might post that...whenever i feel like it. its not really my main focus atm.

i also have another multi-chapter su thing in the works (its a human au! yeah!) that im really excited about. expect the first chapter of that whenever c&c is over. im estimating it around 7-10 chapters, and the first one, which isnt even done, is already at like 7k words. so its probably gonna be one of my longer fics, since its supposed to be a sorta slow burn kinda thing.

so anyway, thats whats up. i can promise at the very least c&c will be finished before the year is over. but right now it's on hiatus while i get my scrambled egg brain in order.

and as a final word, i just wanna say how much i appreciate everyone who reads my silly fanfictions. i know im not a big comment-replier but i do read every single one, and they make me super happy. thank you all for sticking with me and reading my stuff! im really glad i get to share this with all of y'all! *virtual hugs!*

#scrupdate

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craby-bouquet · 6 years

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request rules

Are requests open?

Check my describtion!

How do you schedule?

I uh.. I don't. I kinda just write and post lmao. It can honestly take ages but I want to deliver quality yk

Request are usually my priority, but I do want to deliver good stuff and not just some crapy, un-inspired, not well thought through story. So some requests might take a little longer than others. But I’m doing the best I can, I promise!

Be patient. It might take a while but you will get what you requested. Keep in mind I'm also just a person and I have a life outside of tumblr as well. Unless I reacted to your ask saying I won't do the request I'm working on it!

Unless Tumblr ate the ask bc it has done that before @staff fix your stuff xoxo

What genres will I write?

I love myself some good ol’ fluff, and I secretely really love Angst a lot, so that’s what I’ll be doing most. I will not write what I’m not comfortable with.

I’ll also do AUs! Obviously!!!

How frequently will I upload?

I’m in college atm and that’s taking a lot of my free time, so I won’t have a real upload schedule. I’ll just try to upload as much as possible!

Will I refuse request?

If I’m not comfortable with what you want me to write, yes.

Also I don’t do fic requests, the requests are for one-shots only. I might make a second part if that gets requested but I won’t do a real fanfic with a lot of parts. I mean, unless a request sparkes my fantasy so much that I just feel like writing a whole full on fic for it.

If I'm not going through with your request because I just can't seem to get an idea, it will probably turn into a small scenario.

Is there a certain way to ask for a request?

Please be polite! I love positivity, so let’s just all be nice to each other!

Please and thank you won’t hurt either of course :)

How many words do requests have?

Depends on the idea I get! Might be less than 500, might be 7k. But it will be a story, not just a sentence or something (unless requested otherwise)

Thank you!

send a request | masterlist

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9jamusicmixtapes · 4 years

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An ATM card thief has been nabbed in a hotel he lodged in with his girlfriend. The suspect got quite unlucky after he stole an ATM card from an unsuspecting elderly citizen from whose account he withdrew over N500k while posing as a policeman. He was nabbed after he made a transfer with the ATM card in a hotel he lodged in near his victim's house. Narrating how the suspect withdrew over N500K from her mother's account, Vivian Emesaraonye Dimgba wrote; My mum was duped of 500k last night. She went to the Atm, tried to put her pin, it wasnt working. She saw a young man standing behind her, and turned to him to complain or vent basically. Feigning concern, he asked to assist her try again. Being so trusting herself, she gave him the card. He put it, and told her the Atm card was stuck, and that she needed to go inside the bank and tell them. She went to the security man, since the bank was already closed and did just that. By the time she came out, the man already left. Oh, he told her he was a policeman. Fast forward to 12 midnight, she got her first transfer alert 300k. Then 100k..until there was only 30k left in the account. She got dressed, then drove to town with my dad, and made a police report. But they couldn't do much, since they were not sure the Atm terminal he made the transfer from. At about 1am, he made another transfer. But this time through a POS machine. Eastgate Hotel. Less than 15 minutes walk from my house. He paid for the room, and ordered food as well. We called back the police men, told them of our findings and they met us at the hotel in less than 30 minutes. They got into the hotel, checked the person who lodged in at the time the POS sent the alert. The print-out they had corresponded with my mum's Atm card number. That was how we apprehended him with the girl he made the transfer of the first 300k to. She allegedly was meeting him for the first time yesterday, but they've been friends on Facebook for a while. We also recovered some Atm cards, which included my mum's card , and the printout he used for the transactions. Anyway, they are both cooling their heels in the holding cell and will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. I must commend the squad for their timely intervention. After today, my perception of the Nigerian police is a bit different.. Times are strange. Be aware! Upon being asked to release the lady who the suspect made a transfer of N300k to, Vivian wrote in a rejoinder post; The Atm cards. I blurred the cards as not to further expose the owners . The diamond access card is my mum's. You can see the receipt he used for the last transaction. I still don't know why he didn't pay with cash, because he obviously had some of the money he withdrew from the Atm. I guess it was greed. 7k was what gave him out. I feel no sympathy for him. My mum is a high blood pressure sufferer. Close your eyes for a minute and imagine her state now. The money isn't hers either. It was transfered from dad's business contact for a surveying work he was suposed to carry out for his client. I would've refunded 500k, for no just cause. Those of you who feel like the girl is innocent, did you see where I used the word "allegedly?" until proven otherwise.. She's a thief. She's complicit. And how is she supposed to prove that she's innocent. ? Finally, stop Inboxing me to release the girl. Do I look like the police ? Who takes 300k from a random stranger? If my mum had slumped last night, all I would've gotten is rest in peace. I'll block anyone who mildly suggests the girl is innocent. Not unless you're privy to the complete details of the case, your opinion is not needed. Thank you. See photos below

#IFTTT #Blogger #technicolormoments #blog #blog post

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