#bc it's mine. it's my gender and my experience and i'm me. and no one else will ever be me

[eggcats]

I'm still (always) thinking about my Housewife Vox AU, so here are my sexuality/history/etc headcanons for Alastor and Vox in it

(I kind of have more for Alastor here, bc almost all of my Hazbin ships involve him so he's the one I've thought about more - I kind of keep similar headcanons no matter what ship I'm thinking of, tbh).

I'm also going to write Alastor being in a rut in this AU, because those fics are always fun, and he will be having sex but it'll be more in a "my mate is aroused and I must please them" kind of way, if that makes sense? I kind of see him as sex-neutral/positive asexual, even in a rut, but the rut makes him a little (lot) more feral and in less control of his instincts. (This is why, before he got into a relationship with Vox, he's never really been affected by the sexual aspects of a rut, because he's only interested in sex as far as his mate is).

(I know my fic kind of tiptoes around any possible consent issues, but I think having Alastor react like this kind of solves it in a way, because he's only interested in making his mate feel good so if Vox didn't want something or began to not like it, Alastor would immediately stop to comfort his mate. However, since he's never before had ANY of his deer/demonic instincts really show before, none of them are sure how he'll react this time, hence the concern).

(I don't mean this in a way to insult any other Alastor-rut fics, trust me I love them, this is just how I'm writing mine here).

I put a readmore here bc I realized how many words I was writing and didn't want to clog your dash, lol.

Alastor:

Asexual - is generally so uninterested he has never masturbated or even considered doing so; knows and understands sex (in a baseline level) but doesn't know anything further as he never wanted to engage or see it; still is only interested in it in a way to experience/watch Vox enjoy himself, wouldn't engage on his own otherwise

Possibly aromantic - the line between "romantic love" and "this person belongs to me" is essentially the same to him, could not tell you the difference (side note: neither can I)

Doesn't know either of those things

Just thinks "I'm the only normal motherfucker alive/in hell when it comes to relationships" and has not had a single question in regards to himself since

Doesn't really understand the difference between being friends/roommates and being in a relationship (hence when he found out that Vox liked him, he was like ah, okay. I don't need to change anything here, since he thinks we're in a relationship, this must be what people DO in a relationship. No need to mention any of this to Vox, surely)

When eventually I do make him have sex, he doesn't really have a preference in position. Generally, I'll include him as the more dominant partner (especially with Vox), but that's more because that's what VOX wants, and Alastor is being intimate for Vox. He has no real preference on who tops and who bottoms, as long as Vox is enjoying himself (and Alastor gets enjoyment out of the act when Vox is)

The same applies to dancing - Alastor teaches Vox how to swing dance, but once Vox learns and becomes more comfortable, a lot of their dancing has them constantly switching the lead and following position, based on whatever they feel like doing at the time

Despite living in the 20s/30s is fairly open minded about a lot of things relating to gender and sexuality, because he lived in the vice district in New Orleans and was exposed to a lot of that (either growing up, or living there as a serial killer, or both).

Some parts of me think that after he murdered his father when he was only around 13-15 (another headcanon of mine), his mother needed a way to make money and so they moved to the vice district, and so Alastor knew and grew up with sex workers and cross-dressers and saw how they were treated by police/society, and so has no issues with them.

Living there when he was a serial killer was also useful, because no one bothers anyone to avoid the risk of setting the police on you.

He doesn't know a lot of more modern terms for things, but Vox wanting to wear a dress doesn't concern him, nor does being in a relationship with a man, since those were things he not only had experienced/seen when he was alive, he's also been in hell for 20 years which is, as a whole, a lot more open minded about things. (I did try to keep him ignorant of more modern things, tho, like he doesn't know anything about things he would have only seen/experienced in hell because he doesn't care about people or relationships, really).

Probably some form of autistic (same, bestie) and takes a lot of cues about how their relationship should be from Vox (which is why he originally didn't feel the need to change his behavior even when he found out Vox was interested in him, because it didn't occur to him at all, and only discovered Vox was sexually interested when it was shoved in his face - however, now that he knows, he's taken a much more active/possessive role in their relationship, including a sexual aspect)

--

Vox:

(Previously) closeted bisexual

Grew up/lived/married/died in middle Americana, white picket fence, 2.5 children, all the houses looking identical, 1950s desperate housewives edition, the whole shebang

DID have a cult, but I'm thinking less Manson, and more "televangelist who extorts his flock for money/power" - this is why he has his hypnosis powers (he doesn't really have them/have discovered them yet, but that's because he's never really had a chance to explore his powers in any real capacity - he basically showed up in hell and then was kidnapped and wifed up immediately)

Did have a wife and children, but wasn't interested in either of them - had them more so because he "had" to and it would look bad for his image, not out of any attraction or love to his wife

All of this contributes to him doing everything he can to try to hide his attraction to Alastor, because he had to do so in life

He's Really Bad At Hiding It tho, because living with Alastor (who, even before he learned Vox was interested in him, has very little boundaries to physical space and just grabs and touches him all the time) is different than being a little attracted to your neighbor

Also, no one in hell calls him out on it, so he never quite realizes how obvious he comes across

Does eventually start his side of the media business, with the help of Alastor, to combine both radio and television to take over the airwaves entirely - becomes the Television/Video Demon, to complete the Radio Demon

Stops Alastor from murdering any and all other media demons/demons who have similar powers over the airwaves, and instead makes deals for their souls to work for him - this is where a lot of his initial power/dealmaking comes from as he rises to also be an Overlord; even when Alastor is the one who finds a media demon he basically just kidnaps them and drops them at Vox's feet like a cat presenting a half-dead mouse to it's owner

--

(Note: I'm aware that Alastor is canonically asexual and he's still in my AU, and I've heard back and forth about him being canonically aromantic and I'm unsure if you'd classify him as aro here too. I'm ace, and I think (maybe?) I might be on the aro spectrum, but regardless I kind of write Alastor like how I'd see relationships/would develop into one in a similar way. I'm not interested in sex or anything, and I've been interested in people/relationships very rarely (and those I am, once I become close friends I'm usually like, oh cool, yay), so I'm kind of using myself as a baseline to figure out how Al feels about things here.

That being said, I don't agree with people harassing other creators who DON'T make Alastor ace or aro in their fics or art, bc it's fan content and so it doesn't matter. Changing a sexuality in a fanfic isn't the same as Actual Erasure and it's wild that people claim that, because I've been reading fanfic since I was 13 and I PROMISE you none of those characters were as queer as I was reading them, lmao. Despite all evidence to the contrary, when they grew up Naruto and Sasuke did NOT fuck nasty in the Hokage office, no matter how much they should have.

Sorry rant, over.)

#hazbin hotel #housewife vox #fic #mine #alastor #vox #long post #like i said i'm using myself as a baseline for a lot of Al's feelings towards sex and relationships here #radiostatic

[fruityfaggot]

is it really so wrong for a boy to be a girl

#been trying to think of how to explain my gender feelings and i just don't have anything #always a boy and sometimes a girl #but also always kind of a girl. but also never a girl. depending on the day or the person or my mood #but in a boy way #a girl that's a fag but also he's a boy #i don't know man i just don't know! there's no way to explain it #bc it's mine. it's my gender and my experience and i'm me. and no one else will ever be me #a bottom boy who wants to be called princess. a boy who wants to be called pretty boy and called baby girl. you know #gender not unlike a lap dog #i want to be cute and dressed up in pink and Owned and at peace in my person's presence #and when someone goes up to them and goes oh she's cute they go thanks he's a boy actually and they go oh he's cute #like a little spoiled pomeranian that gets carried around in a purse all day #am i making sense here

[industrations]

Hi, I am the anon that sent the whole paragraph about questioning my gender.

I just wanted to come back and thank you because what you wrote was very reassuring and reading about your experience actually really helped bc it gave me the push I needed to look up more stories about peoples experiences with gender, so thank you so much for sharing!!

And I sent the ask super late yesterday so I forgot to mention it but your art (to be exact: the party one with sirius and regulus leaning against a wall with the "tall one's mine") was single handedly responsible for dragging me back into the marauders fandom I mean I thought I was over it and then one day I saw your art and boom I was back lol so what I'm trying to tell you with that is that your art is super amazing <3

I’m so glad it was at least a bit helpful haha<3 and thank you that makes me happy to hear!

#mail box

[youremyheaven]

Hi, I'm the Purva bhadrapada/ashlesha native from earlier and I wanted to add to the combo of nodals being attracted to yang energy. I also have a Leo stellium so that adds to it.

All of my friends/ex friends have prominent nodal energy, I have a similar dynamic with all of them in the way that they always look to me for guidance you could say? I've always been the emotional anchor, the therapist or the one that keeps their feet on the ground. My experience with them depends on if they have other energy prominent in their chart to ground them.

I have a double magha friend, but she has a Purva bhadrapada sun and moon conjunct Jupiter energy, similarly I have a magha sun, Swati rising friend but she has pushya moon conjunct Saturn. Their jupiter and saturnian energy keeps them from being too "hollow" or "void" in the sense that the ketuvian headlessness doesn't dominate their senses. They are both extremely anxious though and I'd attribute that to the rat yoni, since smaller yoni animals tend to be that way. Another Swati/Magha friend of mine always looked for my guidance in his creative pursuits, turned out he was in love with me too, so that just adds to the long list of nodals I've known that are attracted to yang energy.

On the other hand I have another magha sun, mula moon friend who doesn't have any other energy to really anchor her, and let me tell you she is probably the most unhinged person I've ever met. She, in comparison to the rest of my friends is always looking for my guidance/advice the most and for the longest time I was basically her 24 hours open therapist. It was the most emotionally and mentally draining friendship of my life and it was toxic for me so I had to cut contact with her. She was the epitome of ketu headlessness, no thoughts, head empty respectfully 😅

So yeah, if people don't have other energy in their charts I find it hard to have healthy relationships with them.

thank you so much for sharing your experiences. i feel like everytime i say nodals are attracted to yang energy specifically of Sun & Jupiter (because Sun is the source of light and Jupiter is by nature very giving and "boundless" and no other planet indulges Nodal behaviour this way- Venusians who only engage in mutually beneficial arrangements def wont, Mars people are not known for being accommodating or "giving", Moon is receptive and passive, Mercury is too trickster-y, Saturnians are too disciplined to tolerate the unhinged chaos of Nodal people so yeah that leaves us with Sun & Jupiter) and how draining Nodal people can be to these natives (speaking from my personal observations) people are quick to chime in "oh its bc men are trash, its not the naks" like honey boo boo i never said yang = men, im talking about planetary energy not gender dynamics. and ive literally watched it play out and i cant stand the chaos of these Nodal- Sun/Jupiter dynamics.

girlies will describe the most manic obsessive behaviour and ask "but my Sun/Jupiter person has no interest in me and does not give a flying fuck about me, idk why" and when I say its bc they feel drained by this type of behaviour they'll say "omg my Sun/Jupiter pursued ME, theyre OBSESSED with ME" idk if its being delusional or what but girl u literally just said they didnt gaf about u 😭maybe they were interested initially before they knew what it was like to be close to you and the minute they found out, they started distancing themselves. I've noticed the tendency to be delusional among Nodals and they always act like they're doing YOU a favour by unleashing their chaos on you. I knew a girl a long time ago who had Ardra Moon and Mula Rising who gave me random updates of the tiniest tidbits of her life and constantly overshared to a bizarre degree when it was absolutely clear i wanted nothing to do with her and one day she had the audacity to tell me that she was doing this because she thought i was lonely??? bitch what 😭😭 perhaps she genuinely thought she was helping me somehow and was offering me her company but she was completely deluded about how i "needed" her companionship or whatever bc i would act so cold and disinterested like girl can u not take a hint 😭

sorry Nodals but one thing I cannot stand about imbalanced Nodals who have no other planetary energy to balance them is how they completely lack self awareness and are absolutely delusional about how others see their behaviour

another Ardra stellium girl I know had a spam account on IG where she had like 30 followers and THOUSANDS of posts, she literally posted every spare thought she had in her head, including really embarrassing and completely personal details about her life and i told her i was concerned because others could see this info and use it against her and she told me that her "followers want her to be a vlogger" because she's "so entertaining" like bbg people find Trisha Paytas interesting, does not mean she isn't unhinged

[shjiyemis]

Warning!!! Gonna mention topics like racism and transphobia, and internalized versions of them. Heavy subjects that we know are going on with these characters are not being ignored just not going into them fully!!!

----

Ok guys get ready for trans guy Bro Strider concept with a side of Dirk and Dave, it is a novel so look out LOL

This is an interpretation and concept I made up for fun with my headcanons, a theory even. So don't put words in my mouth. None of this canon nor am I saying it is. (but it's definitely canon in this head of mine, leave me be GJVFHCHF)

This is not me making excuses for Bro either, I am simply giving him a backstory and more layers.

---------

I headcanon Bro Strider as a trans guy (bc I headcanon Dirk as trans-masc), but like a trans guy who's lives in the down-low about being gay but completely hides that he's trans. I imagine he strayed away from any family he had before transitioning and was like, never gonna go back lol. Im pretty sure Bro was like a young adult around the 70s or 80s too so like we all know what was going on around those times tbh, plus the general prejudice that happened during those times (and to this day) can definitely imagine him dissociating from that in general.

IT ALSO ADDS ON BC I HEADCANON HIM AS BLACK SO LIKE black trans gay guy, pls that'd be a monstrosity of trauma whether it was indirect OR direct. 😱😱😱

My whole idea is that Bro was dissociating from most of that, probably met Mom Lalonde at some point in the past (like not romantically or sexually or anything of the sort). He's always been smart and a strong guy and able to work around shit but I think later on he actually starts becoming successful in the p0rn industry. Kind of where he was at his high but yeah, after he started gaining such popularity and success during that time is where Dave comes into the picture.

Uses training that he's seen in anime (stupid idiot) and as well as like Lil Cal guidance,,, let's not forget that puppet possessed in the beta universe... (And honestly I wouldn't be surprised if Bro Strider had an already general idea of extreme physical training before hand btw) Also like.... Bro is an asshole btw,,,,, A HUGE ONE!!! empathy is low, just cares about solutions but not really process, as long as it gets good results it doesn't matter.

Generally a shitty guy who won't give most people the time of day, unless he's getting something out of it.

~---~

I skipped a lot of things that are like more important to Homestuck bc I'm mostly talking about Broooo rnnnn so if you were like "there's stuff missing" it's bc I skipped it GJCGJVGVJGVJ

~---~

I also headcanon Dave as a trans guy, which is funny because all the striders really hopped on the trans ur gender train lololol

Dave's transness is way more different from Bro's though, more through experience. Dave was simply raised and he believed himself to be a boy because Bro was a boy and he also liked the stuff aligned with it. He never went to public school, he was homeschooled but he walked in the city alone alot, probably made a few friends in parks or near school grounds but was never IN school.

He was a boy no one really questioned it, so it only came up that he could be societally aligned with girls later on, like probably 10-12. But was probably pushed out of any traumatic shock by Bro about it and Bro was probably giving Dave a lot of like "man up" mentality. He was never actually able to process it much so it just never bothered him until later on in his life (probably mid-meteor ride).

-----

Like the trans Bro kind of came up one day when I was hyperfixating on Dirk (whom I headcanon as trans-masc, not a trans guy persay but he definitely leans into man label, I've been playing with his dislike for labels and kind of putting him under queer haha!) which is also fun and interesting to play with Bro because that also implies he's non-binary but like doesn't understand that label on the slightest nor cares enough to identify as anything else but as a guy!!

(Also quickly wanted to add that a good label that aligns with Dirks gender /for ppl who need it/ would be nonbinary guy/demi-guy/trans-masc nonbinary, Dirk just doesn't strictly label it, nor does he want to)

Like a few friends I've talked to said Bro would definitely be a transmed and honestly he probably is but more to the degree of not understanding ppl that go against the transmed ideology but like not caring bc it's not business (in my whole concept anyways), he's not interested in it or most people so he doesn't really blurt out about it. He'd probably think people like Kalvin Garrah and ppl similar to him are dumb as hell bc like, "cis ppl have always hated us wtf are you on?" But he also doesn't involve himself in any LGBT politics/problems, at most keeps up with stuff so he gets his down low business done safely.

----

Dave would be considered to literally be a stud if he was known to be afab, he also has small breasts like Dirk/Bro too so a compression shirt would do the trick easy. He never actually medically transitioned until probably post-game, as an adult.

Upon actually going through puberty Dave was simply given the pill. Bro didn't raise Dave as a trans kid, he raised him as a boy without transness in mind!

Bro didn't educate Dave about trans ppl or anything of the sort, he simply raised him. Dave was a boy and still a boy, just not the same way as Bro, expression-wise and in experience.

----

Will also definitely say this too, Dave did not know that Bro was trans.

Bro was like literally living and identifying as a cis man and his down low life was more about being a gay black man rather then a TRANS gay black man.

There's definitely a possibility he ran into a few trans men/trans-masc ppl and felt more comfortable with exposure with a few of those individuals but like yeah he kept his transness in the down-low bc even gay who were cis looked down on trans gays

Especially as someone who grew up in the 70s-80s where's trans ppl in general were seen as weirdos even within the lgbt community in certain areas AND racism. Both of those existed inside and outside the trans community.

So yeah, like. He couldn't really hide the fact he was black (though can't say he was ashamed of being black the same way he was ashamed of himself being trans, but he probably does have some slight internalized racism in general), but it had gotten "better" atleast a couple years prior of Dave arriving. His transness tho is very easy to hide. He did not need any top surgery bc he had already had small breasts and testosterone can make your breasts decrease in size as well, along with his very heavy increase in muscle? All of that made it so he didn't really need surgery at all and he made his own bottom prosthetics for himself for easy hiding during any possible sexual encounters.

-----

Hope y'all enjoyed feel free to send asks about this if you want 🥺

#me #homestuck #bro strider #dave strider #dirk strider #beta dirk strider

[endasogiizhik]

I got my Ojibwe name today and my namesake gave me a gendered (ending in -ikwe) name despite me telling him I was two spirit and nonbinary. Is there a gender neutral suffix I can add that isn’t -ikwe or -inini? Is it even…. culturally okay for me to modify the name that was given to me by an elder?

first of all, congrats on getting your name. and I'm sorry the gender stuff doesn't feel right. I had exactly the same experience of getting a -kwe name and feeling really conflicted about it.

this is also like, a really complicated thing to answer and I feel kinda weird talking about it publicly on tumblr, but I can share a bit about my name journey. After I got my name, I tried telling myself "it's ok, having a kwe on my name doesn't HAVE to mean I am a woman, gender works differently in Ojibwe culture." But it still hurt bc I was doing a lot of immersion work so anytime I intro'd myself to someone they were like "ah yes. a woman" and later would she/her me in English.

then I read this article about a Mohawk trans boy who, with guidance from his community, changed the gender marker on his traditional name. I posted about my feelings on facebook, and someone I consider a rolemodel, a leader in the local language revitalization movement (but not an elder), reached out and was like "the manidoog will still know you even if you take the kwe off your name." And that was like, the "permission" I felt I needed to change it.

So that's my story. I know other trans / nonbinary / 2spirit Ojibwe people who have -kwe ending names despite not being women, who just use the short/nickname form of their name most of the time.

On a more practical note, there isn't really a "gender-neutral" ending for Ojibwe names. There are some names that are inherently gender neutral (most animal names, for example). One thing to keep in mind is that if your name ends in something like -binesiikwe (which mine did), removing the kwe and just ending it in -bines DOES read as a masculine/"male" name to most speakers. So if that's also dysphoric for you, you might need to look for other ways to handle this.

Sorry for the long reply, but I related a lot to this experience so I wanted to put this out there, even at risk of maybe saying more about cultural things than I would usually want to. If you want to talk more through private messages, anon, I'm open to it.

[char-lie-spirals]

hey, i’ve been reading your Spiral Graham fic on ao3 (my name is AV, ive been commenting) and i just found ur blog from the link in the last chapter. 2 things: 1, i commented that you probably didnt intend to write graham as a trans allegory bc i assumed you were probably cis, but knowing ur trans makes the way your wrote graham more meaningful to me :), and 2, I was surprised that you’re only a year older than I am, because you write REALLY good man. Its just cool seeing other people in my age group making such good art/writing.

Hi!! Yeah, I've been seeing you in the comments recently!! Thank you for those!

1, I'm glad the way I wrote him is meaningful to you!! Hell, I'm honoured that the story clicked with you that way! But also that specific comment was a bit funny to me, Especially after the bit of the fic you quoted, because it was kind of? "Inspired" by my own experience too? I'll elaborate under a cut in a second, but first!

2, thank you so much!! I feel really proud of my writing these days and I'm super glad other people like it as well! And YEAH I love seeing people around my age making so much cool stuff, too!!

// Discussion of dysphoria under the cut

So, the bit you quoted, as well as the whole Name Feels Wrong Thing was strongly inspired by what I experienced a couple of years ago, during the lockdown. Basically, after a few months of hearing only my deadname both in online classes and at home, my actual name started to,, slip from me, in a way? It stopped feeling "mine", which was Horrible because I loved it! And I wanted to keep calling myself that, but it just Wouldn't Sound Right No Matter What!!

Then, I finally met up with a few friends in person after months of not seeing them. They called me by my name, and they gendered me correctly, and it all just Clicked again! Hearing someone call me Charlie in person finally made the name feel mine again, and this time it stuck that way :]

Soo,, I'm sure you can see how that ties in to that one scene in the fic. When I was brainstorming ideas for the story I remembered the whole name thing again and figured that getting NotThemed but surviving could leave someone with a similar feeling? And the more I wrote it into the story, the more sense it made to me, so I kept it!

Honestly I'm surprised and very intrigued by how apparently, the "source" still kind of shines through!

#And again thank you so much for your comments they were lovely to see!! #asks.char #Graham Folger Lives and Therefore Nothing Bad Ever Happens AU #Yeah I'm au-tagging this ive decided

[tirfpikachu]

another long vent about my ex lol

okay so. my transmasc ex, who i thought was only into amab people (aka technically heterosexual sex-wise), is happily going on dates w another transmasc guy who passes as male. and they say that they don't care if they actually pass as a straight woman as long as they're dating someone who passes as male. they'd rather pass as straight than as a lesbian. they're more fem now. i can't stop thinking abt how they showed regret abt top surgery once (asked me if breasts could regrow, hopeful, looking crushed when i said no) and once had a period questioning aligning w womanhood in some way, but they said they related to transfem experiences and felt like they lived as a trans woman since they passed as that, the struggles of it and really wanting to get laser for their hrt facial hair... and then i, who was an ultra over-the-top transfem ally at the time, invalidated them by saying they needed to remember it's not the same as trans women and they're more privileged as an afab person. after both those instances they shut down and never mentioned relating to womanhood again.

so they're only into male-passing people. they thought i would transition so they tried dating me, but i identified as partially female and then fully female and they got distant and started acting like a tough macho man instead of their natural personality and femininity, bc i guess if they're more masc they needed to act like The Man Of The House and consistently pass as male (which they later said they hated). bc if they were openly fem and pass as female w me we would pass as lesbians and that was their worst nightmare with dysphoria. i guess radfem-wise they're bisexual in the technical sense, but only wanna date a male-passing person. which is valid. i feel dumb for still feeling a bit hurt... as a detrans woman i'm like damn, if only i had transitioned... but i would've been repressing my true self and been miserable. and we're incompatible in many ways anyway. but oof

idk... it makes me think pretty irrational things :/ they also made a move on me after the breakup (a specific alter did at least, we both have DID) bc it was an alter of mine who relates to angels so doesn't really relate to human gender/sex bc of trauma. it's a mental illness thing. but only then they were attracted to me. they said those specific alters could date, as long as we were polyamorous... but that alter of theirs barely comes out, so they said i should manage my expectations. it felt like it would be a part-time relationship. our relationship always felt like that from the start, honestly... they were always only partially into me, mostly indifferent, which they blamed on autism. we were sometimes romantic sometimes platonic, i was constantly anxious, insecure and yearning. it almost broke me when they did things w me that night and then suggested that. bc all of me was into them from the start (tho now i know that only a woman who 100% identifies as a woman could satisfy me) but they were into only one part of me part-time. that would have been SOOOO unhealthy for me. i had so many meltdowns, thank god i said no

and now they're dating a transmasc person who lives as male... i'm happy for them, it suits them better. i was never enough, and honestly they were never enough for me either... they were almost never affectionate w me for yearssss but now they're loveydovey abt this guy and all romantic. they had wanted to breakup for years but lied bc they thought i couldn't survive without them as a disabled woman (who had lived without them before and did just fine!!! but whatever). and they fantasized about men all that time, and thought of men when we had sex, and hated their life. it SUUUUCKS. how do i even cope with all of that. it all started bc we were roommates and they kept trying to makeout w them while drunk, then apologizing the next day and pretending nothing happened. i always said "no, do it sober instead." i had to call them out on it one day and ask them if they wanted to date. only one of their alters did, they said yes, we dated. more and more alters paired up romantically, but the alters dating parts of me barely fronted. they had a looot of religious trauma, and were raised in heavy homophobia, so them being with an afab person was a huge deal i think. it's good that they openly happily go on dates w another afab person, i guess... i thought for sure it would be amab people only. most of the ppl they showed me on their dating app were amab. but yeah, good for them. it feels like some form of closure. still feels weird, but i'm relieved too, happy for them as their best friend. at least the reason they weren't into me wasn't my sex/agab. it was bc i wasn't on testosterone (anymore) and didn't get top surgery, and didn't identify as nonbinary or male. i still have mixed feelings, it was such a crazy complicated journey... but whatever, it's over. i can finally move on to hot girls who actually truly want me as i am and hopefully eventually find my person <3 i'm so tired emotionally though lol. if you read all of this bs you're a real one ily 💜💜 i would also love some radfem thoughts on this?? idk

#lay text

[platypusplayhere]

Thank you @dangerliesbeforeyou for tagging me, im mentioning all kinds of media bc I love to rant, I have a lot of love in my heart and I have trouble choosing just 8: (im making this on mobile hope it's readable).

Howl's moving castle (2004)

My first experience of gender envy, gender fascination, gender emulation for Howl, at a time I didn't even know that gender was a thing because I was like idek 7 years old.

Kiss of the rabbit god (2019)

A short movie, stumbled onto it bc of Tumblr. You honour, I simply love it.

Shrek (2001)

I'm not being ironic I'm very serious about this one. My mom used to braid my hair weekly when I was little and I constantly played this one, I know it by heart and I'm not joking. I freaking love this movie. Same goes for Mulan, Beauty and the beast, Charlie and the chocolate factory, and the whole Shrek franchise up to the 3rd one. (Gotta watch Puss in boots 1 and 2 tho.)

V for vendetta (2005)

This is a shout-out to 14 years old me who might have at some point based their personality around this movie or maybe they didn't, who's to say. I'm not sorry. Kinda still like it tho.

Corpse bride (2005)

There is an independent cinema in my hometown and they did run it often over the years. Bestie I don't know how many times I went to see this movie with my mother as a child. Recently learned about the Jewish origins of this myth and im a lil upset about the stolen storyline without the context. But some will say it's a Burton movie and they're right.

Valentine's day (2011)

First movie I went to see alone with my friends, I was like 12yo. Rewatched it again like 2 years ago, yeah it ain't that great but it's the memories right.

Father and soldiers (2022)

The last movie that made me cry. I hate war movies but my friends convinced me to go because it was less than 2 hours and I've been mad at movies being more than two and a half hours lately (looking at u House of Gucci, Doctor Strange 2) yeah, I cried my eyes out. It's not a perfect movie but the message is great and very moving. I don't like the English title because the original/French title directly refers the name of a group of African soldier recruited by France in its colonies during WWI -> "Les Tirailleurs" (if I remember well, the soldiers were recruited in every colonies but they left Africa from the Senegal and so all these soldiers are referred as Senegalese regardless of their actual origins). The English title is more fitting thematically wise I'll give you that.

Fulmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (2009)

Knew about it, was recommended by a dear mutual of mine on this very hellsite and yeah, ppl keep saying it's good because it just is.

I told sunset about you/ I promised you the moon (2020-2021)

If you read my tags u know how I rant about this show often. Watched it 2 years ago thanks to someone i follow on Tumblr (but im not really sure who it was anyway if you're a mutual thank you sm). My first foray into BL (back when I didn't even know what it was) and I couldn't be happier that I started with this. I don't have enough words to praise it. (currently writing a post about it tho, stay tuned for whenever I get around to finish it (tell me if u wanna know when it's up), big up to Bad Buddy and To My Star too)

Honoured mentions bc I started making a list and had more than 8 and couldn't not mention them:

Other movies: O'brother, Love and Leashes, God's own country, Jackie Brown, The big lebowsky (idek if I like this movie but I needed something to base my personality around when I was 15yo)

The book The Hunchback of Notre-Dame by Victor Hugo, I'm gonna keep my rant about how the English title is a misunderstanding of the book locked and not even start it.

Alice isn't dead and The Magnus archives (although they're podcasts and I haven't quite finished them, the first seasons are exquisite)

Welcome to Night Vale, I have a lot of episodes to catch up on (currently working on that) started listening like in 2016 then stopped around idek 2 years ago. Some of these episodes are masterpieces ( some I know by heart: Guidelines for disposal, Love is a shambling thing, What happened at the Smithwick House, If he had lived, and The Pilot ofc)

the ballet Swan Lake (1995, 2012) by Matthew Bourne. I don't have enough words. I'll just say it's on youtube.

.....and many more im not think abt rn

*acts surprised* this became a real long post, real quick

(That's why I take a lot of time to answer those lmao, shout out and thank you to the ppl who tag me in these and then I take a lot of time to answer)

Tagging these people and anyone who wants to do it can mention me: @sherlockig @dontbesoevil @lordmeowdemort @namelessbeing @hairbackc0llarup @comrademichael @johnlockdynamic @lovelywickedsoul @frenchsiren

#tagged #ask game #yeah this could have gone on for a lil while #i have some ive yet to answer but its coming #i have many rants locked if u wanna know about them just ask #thanks for tagging me #platypustalks

[the-soul-of-a-morningstar]

hello! i'm here to request a matchup ✨if you'd like, i can write one for you in exchange at my sideblog -> @frostfall-matches

[name: raven / age: early 20s / sexuality: possibly aro/ace but i'm also not against the idea of being in a relationship w someone (gender/sex is irrelevant) / gender: nonbinary or agender (any pronouns ok)]

- personality: rough around the edges but overall fairly amiable, introverted but not shy (distant, disinterested in getting close to most, takes a long time to open up), willing to trust others and give people the benefit of the doubt, extremely independent (often refuses to rely on others, hates when people step in to help without me asking), confident and self-secure (sometimes prideful to the point of arrogance), straightforward (blunt, sometimes tactless/insensitive but i try not to be), even-tempered (not prone to anger, but annoyance is relatively common; anger is cold when it happens), somewhat apathetic (flat affect, rarely has strong emotional reactions, but a majority of the time mood baseline is pleasant), very rarely cries, tends to brush off the severity of a situation, not very ambitious (but if i have a goal i WILL get it done), mildly competitive, good sense of humor, playful around friends, teasing, mischievous, realist that leans optimistic, curious (nosey, loves gossip/drama), a troublemaker/rulebreaker, also often unintentionally gets into trouble (then laughs it off), does not shy away from conflict (a bit combative with authority and people who irritate me), logical, intelligent (but not necessarily the "bookish/academic" type who could spend hours researching), not sentimental, does not hold onto regrets, good at self-reflection.

- love languages: physical touch, gifts.

- hobbies: video games (tactics, RPGs, anything w/ good world-building & characters), watching anime, drawing (digital), painting (watercolor & acrylic), baking (but not cooking), cosplay, writing, reading (fantasy, occasionally books on history), taking care of plants, home/decor DIY projects, thrill-seeking activities (a bit of an adrenaline junkie).

- likes: cats, sweets, most fruits, good food, cheese, lattes (either coffee or tea, a favorite of mine is chai), aromatic candles (can't burn them for very long bc i get headaches), piercings, tattoos, puns, cool weather, winter, forests, mountains, traveling, new experiences, learning languages (currently knows/studied: english, french, korean, latin), medieval history, having ample amount of alone time/space, the occasional lazy day, the occasional philosophical discussion.

- dislikes: dogs, bitter foods, strong scents, hot weather, summer, spiders, long car rides, feeling restricted, conformity and blind obedience, having to be responsible for others, being vulnerable, when others are condescending towards me (makes my pride flare up, lmao).

- misc.: quite clumsy and prone to getting injured ; accidentally (+purposefully) misuses slang/common phrases ; enjoys skin care and hair care but rarely wears makeup, loves changing up hair often ; used to do gymnastics ; able to play alto saxophone, wants to learn cello ; a weird mix between a night owl and a morning person (but afternoons are rough) ; able to pick up new skills relatively quickly, not afraid of messing up and looking stupid ; majors in international studies and french in uni w/ minors in psychology and medieval history ; studied abroad in korea for 5 months ; prone to bad luck but tries to find the humor in most situations.

- appearance/style: 155 cm / 5’1” ; very pale (burns easily) ; round, youthful face ; single dimple on right cheek when smiling ; big green eyes, long eyelashes ; hair is naturally wavy and light ash brown, often styled w/ front bangs - currently mid-back length toned silver ; 5 piercings in one ear, 4 +an industrial in the other, and a navel piercing ; clothing style is more on the masculine side (rarely wears dresses/skirts, but i do love short shorts), color scheme is black/gray/muted green ; loves fishnets, flannels, leather jackets, combat boots, hightop sneakers ; socks are either black or very colorful/patterned ; enjoys sweatpants and hoodies when lounging at home.

a/n: Hey! I saw my matchup from you this morning! It was great, tysm for doing it!

Lucifer

Despite the fact that you have a somewhat more cold and monotone personality, Lucifer is probably the person you enjoy spending your time with

Lucifer enjoys making you ducks, he aims to make them based upon your interests, like from one of your favorite RPG games or animes

He understands your not an easy one to open up, so he really tries hard not to push you farther than your comfortable, but that doesn’t mean Lucifer’s okay with being shut out - he wants to know your okay (and probably needs to be reassured that regularly)

As much as Lucifer is short, he’s taller than you (just by a few inches), so he really gets a kick out of it. And he’ll realistically tease you for it a fair bit (It may get a bit annoying, but he’s sorta in the moment, but if you ever told him to stop he would)

Runner-Ups: Alastor, Husk

@the-soul-of-a-morningstar : please do not copy, repost or translate onto any other platform.

#reese’s matchups #reese’s writing #lowkey not tagging these anymore with hazbin tags becuz i wake up with 20+ more requests each night LMAO #sorry i’m taking so long on these lol #probably the last one i’ll do until tmrw because i’ll be with the gf

[genderkoolaid]

Okay it took me a bit to realize this experience of mine wasn't just garden variety transphobia but instead transandrophobia so lemme just share this to add to the tag

warning for genitalia talk and nsfw words!

I'm genderqueer, genderfluid, genderfucked.... Basically I'm constantly flip flopping between gender feelings nowadays but I primarily use he/him and boy words bc I feel safest being seen primarily as transmasc and it's easier to let people be consistent.

Before I fully socially transitioned to primarily using he/him, I used to use she/they(as an aside nobody would use they for me wonder why that is). One time I was talking with some people in a nsfw channel, just talking about genitals and transitioning and gender and surgery, that sorta stuff. One of my friends talked about wanting to be a Ken doll sorta thing, valid. Another talked about wanting tits, also valid.

I start talking about how I'd feel most comfortable if I had a very ambiguous body, a penis and a vagina, no balls cuz those personally squick me out, and my breasts being optional.

Suddenly everyone was incredibly disgusted and upset with me for merely mentioning that I wanted what I personally consider for myself, the best of both genital worlds. They kept saying dicks were gross, this was a constant of the chat, dicks were gross vaginas were pretty and everything else was ignored.

I was the only remotely transmasc person in that chat at the time, even if at the time I wasn't fully aware of just how transmasc I was. And when later in the day another transmasc logged on and also started berating me, I just felt incredibly defeated and disgusted by myself.

It took a while to get back to feeling comfortable with what I wanted for my own body. I had to unlearn a lot of shitty things that group of people led me to believe about myself and being transmasc. I ditched a lot of them, some of them I reconnected with this past year and they apologized for how badly they acted, it'd been a few years at that point so I forgave them(a lot of them ended up being transmasc but were in denial for the same reasons that I stifled myself, being convinced that it was gross to want anything to do with masculinity).

It still hurts to remember the other people who never changed, and I know they've never changed bc their social medias are still littered with that garbage. At least a good chunk of them have learned(and I wanted to share at least a bit of a good ending for those ppl bc they deserve that), and at least I've grown past that bullshit, but yeah. It messed me up for a bit.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

#im really sorry you had to deal with that #antimasculism is so widespread in queer spaces :( #m. #ask box #experiences with transandrophobia

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

for pride month, i figured i'd do a non-exhaustive list of people/looks that have given me gender envy and inspired my sense of style as a transmasculine fellow.

this post is about to be long and also likely 'cringe' (which is dead, so i do not let it dictate my decisions, but just in case a non-mutual reads this and wants to send me hate-mail for my 'bad' taste: I KNOW.) since it includes several people i worshiped as a tweenager. if you don't wanna see me talking about five billion emo men, then you probably don't wanna read this :^)

mulan (1998) was one of my first experiences with gender-nonconformity and experimentation. her dissatisfaction with living as a woman and her shame with feeling that way deeply resonated with me, and her transition into ping lit up light bulbs in my tiny mind, as well as the scene in which she is outed against her will due to an injury.

-

from a very young age, i've always kinda wanted to embody the swagger of freddie mercury. i would say that as a 6 or 7-ish year old i experienced my first bout of true gender envy over him. i wished i could look and sound like a man because of him. i ended up shoving down these feelings for many years due to internalized shit and outside influences. yet he still remains forever in my heart as a major influence both as an artist, an outfit composer, and a person.

-

eddie van halen is cool as shit. idk man. i dig his style. these patch work pants did irreparable damage to my psyche.

-

ryan ross was a big idol of mine as a tween and still continues to inspire me to this day. i wished i could do my makeup like him and have his fop-y floppy 60s mop cut, which was probably the beginning of my obsession with having hair that looks Like That.

*bren.don. ur.ie gets a dishonorable mention here bc i don't wanna talk about him but when i was 13 i also wanted his p.o. era mop sooo bad like soo bad i was planning on getting my hair cut like that for real but instead life happened and i haven't had my hair cut since like 2019 and now i've committed to it being a mile long.

-

pete wentz is at the forefront of writers that i would say have influenced my works. his influence is just about inseparable from anything i've done since 2018 at least. he just, like, gets me, you know? including, of course, his fashion sense, which lingers still through my daily wardrobe.

on the right, i added a pic of him recently that made me lose my mind.

-

i'm grouping william beckett and gabe saporta together because both are scene fellows who had lesser but still notable affects on me. the former's hair and the latter's sense of style have stayed with me all these years for a reason, and that reason is because i wish i could look like them.

-

renfield is just like me for real so of course i wish i could steal dwight frye's gender. the suspenders plus the vacant, hazy look in his eyes did things to me.

-

the man, the myth, the legend, my most special of interests, mr sir peter wilton cushing obe. if i love him, and i feel unloved, then i must act like him and sound like him and look like him to feel truly loved, right? because i want someone to love me to the extent i love him? because i hate myself so much? it's psychosexual to me in a way but also 100% from my heart. i need to look like him ^

he cracked my egg. which i will be getting more into in the next entry. but! basically i realized that maybe it isn't normal to want to look exactly like a man, deeper voice and flatter chest and all. and then i was like what is stopping me from being trans actually besides other people's disapproval, which i had at that point stopped letting get in my way. so trans ellie canon and real from this point forward.

-

sherlock holmes is an entirely separate entry on this list than peter cushing because sherlock is a fictional character that has been portrayed in many different mediums and by many different actors, many of whom i at least kinda want to look like.

but most of all, i want to be like him, the idea of sherlock holmes. a protector who saves the meek and weak and who persecutes the oppressors. he is good, he is just, and he is loved by nearly all. also he is a major fucking nutjob, like me. he inspires me so much. this yearning helped me realize who i wanted to be, who i am. it makes my heart glow with hope and pride knowing that someone who so obviously has so much 'wrong' (wrong like me) with them can not just be a hero, but also one of the most definitive heroes in history.

-

adam ant's gnc swag.... idk man he ignited my historical obsession with highwaymen.

-

final thoughts:

i am so happy to be a trans fag ! my life is so much better since i realized that i am a boy ! 🥰🥰🥰 i am trying to experiment more with my appearance and i am loving it.

#a) i am what they call a 'music lover' and i have wanted to be a rock star since i was a little boy and i stg i'm gonna be one before i die. #b) the way this list is counting down to the the inevitable explosion of the ticking time bomb that is peter c's entry. #c) every time i see my profile pic out of context of being my profile pic i giggle all heehee hoohoo that's me :^) #d) i don't think i'm going to commentate anymore as to not make an ass of myself. #myevilposts #fundamental me lore tag #oh this is in like semi-chronological order btw. not worst to best.

[dekusleftsock]

This is a silly question/topic so feel free to take your time, mostly propelled by a need to share observations on my part XD. Whenever I see adult pro hero Deku art, I only like the ones who keep Deku's haircut or make it longer. I've tried, but I just don't like Deku with an undercut. Then I noticed something cute: I love parallels between Shigaraki and Deku, and older Deku growing his hair out would be a cute parallel to Shigaraki and Deku growing to understand him. Do you think that would look cool? Side Note: I'm a bit of a fashion critic, so I often go looking at hairstyles and outfits. In general modern men's fashion is often lacking creativity compared to previous generations. I tried looking at androgynous fashion, but often it tended to be...oddly very gendered instead. It tries to use very traditionally masculine and feminine fashion instead of creating a unique look instead. This is not meant to be offensive in any sort of way, just an observation of mine. In my experience, fashion and beauty is at it's best when you create looks that work with your body instead of against it. Then again, regardless of gender a lot of fashion fails for me because it tries to force people to fit the outfit instead of making an outfit that works with the person. Interestingly enough, that's why celebrities often look so much more amazing in outfits than common people do. They often get outfits tailor made for them, with their bodies and strengths in mind. From what I've seen as an outsider, androgynous outfits have a tendency to fall flat because they try to make the person fit the outfit/agenda instead of creating an androgynous outfit that perfectly fits whoever that person actually is. Oddly enough, this is why I don't usually like short haired Deku. He's a chaotic mess and his hair adds to the impression, giving him short hair takes some of those qualities away. Katsuki's outfit works with me for the same reason. Some people have mentioned it having some androgynous hints to it, I think it works because it compliments him as a person instead of trying to force him to be something he isn't. I was wondering what someone who is actually trans would think though, since these are just me observations as a fashion nerd. Again, none of this is meant to offend. It's just an odd observation I've made about the mistakes people make when considering fashion and beauty of any type.

I actually love the idea of deku with long hair! I honestly have for a long time. It’s sad to see close to no one who actually like, draws him that way.

I’m not super great at fashion, but I definitely agree that things just aren’t made for peoples bodies. Instead they’re made to shape them in a way that fits the beauty standard (which is why I’m also really concerned about low rise jeans coming back into fashion. Bc of ED’s)

As for my opinions of androgynous fashion, I feel like people nowadays only perceive womens clothing as, yknow, womens clothing, and mens clothing is more so seen as androgynous. It’s probably due to the uptick in women wearing cheap working clothes (jeans mostly) during the 50’s. Ww2 happened, all the men were out at war, etc etc we know all that.

So because of this pre conceived notion that everyone wears jeans, hoodies and whatever else, than THAT must be androgynous clothing. When in reality, all clothing is androgynous! Frilly pink skirts are just as androgynous as overalls or something else.

It’s also made to cover up parts of your body. Specifically breasts because people don’t actually see non binary people as non binary and more just see them as “woman lite”. People being born male and therefore having to do other things to appear more androgynous just doesn’t exist to them.

And god forbid someone with breasts where ANYTHING that shows they exist in any light. You’re called a trender or some other stupid name.

But, back to Izuku and Katsuki, I love how both of their designs fit their characters. I think the reason why Katsuki’s hair and clothes actually fit HIM is because his parents are fashion designers. He yells at deku in one of the exclusive comics for the newest movie about how he can’t add a cape to his undercover clothes lol. I think he was talking about both practicality and also just how it would look.

I think that’s also why Izuku is.. uhm, himself

He’s really rocking those red shoes and knee length shorts ig

Anyway, narrative aside, god I wish horikoshi would give him even the SLIGHTEST SENSE OF FASHION AND HAIR CARE

I mean I can’t say I’m much better (I’ve got the straightest of straight hair alive lmfao. My hair does absolutely nothing) but like, CMON MAN-

I wish he would just grow it out. The undercut idea people have is just absolutely horrendous imo. Please, izuku, just grow it tf out

LIKE EITHER OF THESE SUIT HIM BETTER (mostly the one on the right) AND IT FITS NARRATIVELY

Another design pet peeve I have with the fandom is just how burly they wanna make him, which I am just, not at all okay with. Izuku represents healing from toxic masculinity, why tf would he be the most grade A definition of “the male gaze”? He’s not allmight, his arch is literally about not being allmight. Men are ALLOWED TO BE SHORT. They are ALLOWED TO NOT LOOK VISIBLY STRONG. Another example about how people just let the male gaze and patriarchy get in the way of characters who are supposed to directly contradict that! Yay!

People will be like “oh deku should learn how to be his own hero, hero society is failing him” and then in the same breath will say that he would be burly, number 1 in the leader boards always, he’s the symbol of peace, hope, etc

IDK GUYS

MAYBE THERE JUST SHOULDNT BE A SYMBOL FOR ANYTHING BC INDIVIDUALITY DOES NOTHING????

#this was all in an Americans pov but whatever lol #bias always exists what can I sa #bkdk #midoriya izuku #mha deku #bkdk brainrot #bakudeku #bakugou katsuki #bnha deku #mha analysis

[girltober]

Aaand just broke up with my transphobic dnd group.

Kinda sad bc the campaign was just getting exciting- we just got to level 5 and acquired a laser rifle(!) for my character- but they're certified "No" voters and one of them once flat out said "I'm a doctor, there are only 2 genders" soooo yeah.

Fuck those people lol.

I'm gonna stay closeted for my job and extended family, at least for now, but since I wfh and almost never see my extended family... I'm pretty much Out to everyone who matters and they're all chill, progressive folk who support me.

I'd make a joke about speedrunning the trans experience (completion time: 36 days) but honestly it just makes me really sad about how absolutely comically lucky my situation is. I'm painfully aware that the vast, vast majority of trans experiences are orders of magnitude worse than mine.

I don't even have dysphoria really- physical or social. I lived 22 years as a man, and I could probably go back to that for the rest of my life if I really had to. I don't hate being a man, I just like being a girl more. Most of the time anyway.

Idk. I don't even know how to make this post without it coming off as humblebragging or patronising. Contrapoints video on Envy comes to mind. My experience - having a support system that empowers me to fully socially transition within a month of my original gender questioning, complete with free and immediate HRT - is so fucking far from universal, and it really really really fucking shouldn't be.

#girl month #girltober #transgender #genderfluid #cw transphobia #tw transphobia #transphobia

[freckliedan]

Speaking of your first Dan vid, do you have any takes about Charlie? (Mine are 1. In retrospect she dressed like a wlw, idk but I love her. 2. I used to find her pretentious but now that she’s out as a woman I support her teenage pretentiousness. 3. There are new layers to the relationship between her and Dan, I feel like closeted ppl always have extra walls up around other closeted ppl, which is too bad bc they might have been friends in early YouTube)

i don't have like.. takes?? takes feels so detached and i'm anything but. i just remember that charlie is trans and i'm like YAY YIPPEE AND SUCH I LOVE HER ... ‼️

she was such a foundational part of my early youtube experience, one of the very few people i'd point to as a potentially bigger/more well known youtuber than dnp (at least at a certain point in time? maybe???? baby me thought that) so like. the fact that thee biggest names in youtube to me all turned out queer is amazing.

i literally texted like so many people the news when she came out. like people i fully had not talked to about youtube in years.

also. i am infinitely delighted by the fact that my husband (also trans) was absolutely having a gender about charlie circa 2012/2013. (kind of a venn diagram with matt smith at the time). i love how us trans folks end up latching on to other trans folks ages and ages before any of us even know what that spark of recognition is.

charlie didn't seem pretentious to me but that is very likely because i Also absolutely come across as pretentious (it can be argued that i am a hipster).

oh another thought: duet with myself as a trans song is SO much

& oof yeah! i feel like dnp & charlie had a lot of mutual respect, & if that could've been a friendship that was closer that would've been lovely.

#jam replies #anon #it always pings on my radar too how dan attaches to trans folks

[neonstatic]

my given name and i have an interesting relationship. well, first off, i don't like. i dislike it, even. there's no doubt abt that. i've disliked it long before i understood i was nonbinary. it's just not a good name to me. i don't like the way it feels and tastes in my mouth. i don't like how it sounds out of people's mouths. no one has ever managed to say it in a way that makes it sound appealing. it's not a name you can sigh dreamily nor moan erotically. i mean, you can try, but however good you might sound, I'll be too distracted by the name itself. (i think i've learned to speak so delicately bc i've subconsciously wanted to sell my name as best as possible. yes, that is my name, it does kinda suck, but don't i say it so nicely?)

compare this to my sisters' names. they have sweet, feminine names that end in the letter a, and if you put all their names next to each other, you notice a certain motif. they just fit like a bouquet.

i feel like you can tell from my name alone that i'm the last child; they were running out of fkg ideas to follow the motif, so much so that they entirely dropped it! they couldn't even make my name end in an a!

i've never liked my name, always felt a little ashamed when meeting ppl bc i knew i'd have to introduce myself and see the split-second look in their eyes when they process and register (with difficulty) my painfully geriatric yet forgettable name. and it sounds so, so much worse in english.

egg or chicken? i think my name might've made me trans -- no, pls, let me elaborate: my name sounds like a typical old name, but spelled differently and thus pronounced differently, with none of the elegance and not even an a at the end. "oh, ray, why are you so obsessed w the a at the end?" bc i grew up surrounded by girls with pretty names that ends in a! and i was a little "girl" w an unpretty name that did not end in a! i legit had a complex abt that jabfjab everyone is aisha and christina and sarah and mona and then you got this mf whose name reminds you of a four-eyed mole in a tutu.

(in middle school, we had to write a story, and i named my protagonist, a 12yo girl, wayne. "that's not a girl's name," my teacher told me. "yes, it is." i said. and that was that.)

(i named that little girl after my favourite rapper at the time... y'all figure it out ✌🏾)

i've wanted to change my name long before i understood my gender. i had the spare thought that one day, maybe, i'd grow into it. i didn't like having and showing tits until literally two years ago. i think the chest tat helped. (frankly, most days i still don't. moving boobily is humiliating esp when you're a fast walker.) i've yet to grow into my given name. don't think i ever will. i rly dislike it. i'm no longer used to it either. i've changed my name at work and made so many new friends who know me as ray, and even my closest friends call me ray most of the time (or juno if they feel a lil frisky). and now i feel good introducing myself.

not only that, but i also experience ppl having fun w my name! nothing big, rly, but i do not have enough fingers to count the amount of ppl who make analogies abt the sun, the stars, or light in general. it's mostly silliness, i know, but i can't help feeling like others see that my name makes sense for me too. ray is a name that fits me. and i love it! yes, everyone does the "ray of sunshine" thing but it never gets old! never, do you hear me?! it's the best thing in the world to me!!!

(still, there are two things i like abt my given name... first, it's a callback to my parents' names. my dad also has a very interesting name but i'd rather have his than mine. another name better exprienced in french. second, my mom and i share a nickname. i found out when i was a teen and a relative called out my family nickname (or, well, one of two), only for my mom to respond. i love love love nicknames, bc that is what made me discover my chosen name. and i love that my mom and i share a nickname. it feels sentimental to me. idk how to explain it. i esp love when we use it for each other in casual. it's fun and lovely.)

#ray says