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chososchalupa · 2 months

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I LOVE UR BULLY MEGUMI X READER CAN I HAVE JEALOUS MEGUMI

Thank you sm <3 ! I wrote this super quickly so im so sorry if its not the best! I've had the worst writers block lately. Hope you like it!

Training / Megumi Fushiguro

No warnings, Megumi is jealous bc Toge exists basically. not proofread + wrote this when i was half asleep but i had the urge to write after not having any interest for like a week so here it is

WC - 595

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ:

12:23

Seven minutes until class was over and you hadn’t heard from your boyfriend, Megumi, since 9:00 this morning.

✧.*

You had tried catching up with him after training was over but he had mumbled something about being busy and left. Your friends Toge and Maki watched as he gave you a small smile before turning and heading back toward the school.

“What was that about?” Maki asked as you walked back over to them

“Yeah, he’s usually attached to you after training?” Toge laughed, “Wonder if he’s going to check on Yuji, It’s not normal for him to miss training”

You nodded, it was unusual for Yuji to miss training but you remembered him talking about a mission Gojo had assigned him for today. You racked your brain for reasons Megumi could be acting odd today. You met up for breakfast as usual and he was fine, the two of you walked onto the field and everything was fine. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

✧.*

“Still haven't heard from Megs?” Nobara asked as the two of you walked out of your classroom

“Nothing. He hasn't even responded to my tex-” you stopped mid-sentence when you saw the spiky haired boy walk into the cafeteria. You said a quick apology to Nobara and ran towards Megumi.

“Megs! Wait up!” you called as you caught up to him, “What is your deal today? You haven't talked to me at all since training this morning”

“I’m fine” he responded, not looking up from his phone as he continued walking

“Did I do something wrong?” you asked

Megumi took a quick glance at you before responding with a simple, “No.”

You sighed in defeat, choosing to continue walking in silence beside him.

The two of you sat at a table alone, not speaking until Toge, Maki and Nobara sat down with you.

You noticed the quick glare Megumi threw towards Toge and then it hit you, the mornings training was different. You were usually paired with Nobara but since she skipped, Gojo had decided to pair you up with Toge and Megumi with Maki. You didn’t see the change as a big deal but Megumi must have felt otherwise.

You made small talk with your group of friends before excusing yourself and grabbing Megumi by the arm, forcing him to follow you out of the cafeteria.

“Is this about me being paired with Toge this morning? You know I didn't choose to be partners with him!” You crossed your arms as you looked up at Megumi.

He sighed before nodding, “I know, it's stupid. You just looked like you were having a lot of fun training with him. You guys spent more time joking around than you did actually training.”

You rolled your eyes before wrapping your arms around his waist, “So you’re saying you're jealous?”

Megumi returned the favor by wrapping his arms around you, “Shut up” he mumbled, kissing the top of your head.

“You have nothing to worry about, Megumi. Toge is a great friend but I love you and only you. Nobody could ever compare, especially not Inumaki” you giggled

Megumi pulled away after giving your head one last kiss, “I love you. I’m sorry for getting jealous, maybe I could make it up to you?”

You giggled at his question, “And how would you do that?”

“Let’s skip the rest of classes today and watch movies and cuddle in my room?”

You smiled brightly up at the dark haired boy before grabbing his hand, “What are we waiting for then? Let’s go!”

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #megumi fushiguro #inumaki toge #megumi x reader #toge x reader #nobara kugisaki #maki zenin #jjk x reader #megumi fushiguro x reader #jjk megumi #jjk fluff #megumi fluff

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igotanidea · 1 year

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Rumor has it : Xavier Thorpe x F!reader

request: can u do enemy!xavier getting into a fight with someone bcs they've been slutshaming reader and reader pulls him out of the fight and cleans him up?

Let me tell you: Xavier is NOT a fighter.

warning: slut-shaming, a bit innuendos, brief mention of blood and injuries, school drama , oblivious school staff

„Enid! Do you know what they say about your roommate?” Ajax noticed the blond she-wolf in the quad and approached her immediately

“Wednesday? Yes, I heard a lot of stories, but I can assure you none of them…..”

“No, not the new one. I meant Y/n.”

“Y/N? What can they say about her? She’s one of the kindest girl I know.”

“Yeah, well, maybe she’s a little bit too kind….” The gorgon scratched his head, or rather his beanie, awkwardly.

“What do you mean?” Enid frowned eyeing her boyfriend carefully, not understanding a word coming out of his mouth

“Rumor has it…. Um… it’s a bit embarrassing to say it.”

“You don’t need to. I won’t force you. It’s like you said – it’s just a gossip, right? Nothing to believe in?”

“ Sure.”

“Then how about….” She started, but stopped in the middle of the sentence “oh, who am I kidding? Of course I’m going to force you. I need to know! And besides, Y/N is my friend so if anyone is trash-talking her I swear I will wolf out on them. Even if I can’t really do this. Now, talk to me.”

“Some people….”

“Boys or girls?”

“Both in fact. They accuse her of being …. How do I put it? A soft touch.”

“WHAT?” Enid could not hold back the disbelief and surprise in her voice. And some pain on the account of her friend. “Y/n? Are we talking about the same person? She sticks to the rules. She respects herself. She would never!”

“I know. And you know. And a lot of people know that. But you know, one fake word and it’s spreading around the school.”

“Let’s hope this word do not reach her ears. I can’t imagine how much pain and suffering this will put her through.”

“What is going on with you, today?” Thera, one of the sirens, who was her regular partner stopped in her tracks seeing how shaky her opponent’s hands were and how it was almost impossible for her to hold her skewer “I’m not going to fight with you.”

***

At the same time, the girl in subject was in the middle of the fencing class, not really doing well. Despite Enid’s wishful thinking she already was finger-pointed by some of her classmates, for reason unknown to the her, and it caused girl’s absent-mindedness and distraction. It was not normal for one of the most skilled fencer to make the rookie mistakes. Normally no one would pay attention and most would even enjoy her slipping, but in addition to that she was also extremely sad and anxious.

“Are you giving up so easily? Scared I will beat you? Again?”

“I’m showing you mercy.” She scoffed, but still kept all the dignity of her kind. “Honestly, it would be degrading for me to fight you in this state. Get yourself together girl.”

“Look who’s talking.” Y/n spat at her

“Um, excuse me?” Thera scoffed, her face expression changing from condescending to angry.

“You’ve been a mess ever since you broke up with….”

“Oh, don’t you dare finishing that sentence!” siren came right at the other girl, taking her by surprise and causing her to trip over her feet and fall down to the ground. “Now, that is better. Being on the ground seems more natural to you, doesn’t it?” she smirked

“What are you….”

“Oh, I’ll tell you what.” Thera crouched on the ground next to Y/N, leaning into her ear “being under someone is your natural state, am I wrong, slut?”

Oh, that hurt. Y/N heard some whispers on the corridor this morning as she was walking by. Whispers about a girl with bad reputation. She turned a deaf ear to them, mostly because she was never into gossip, but also because she knew Enid would let her in the news, but now? Now it was all becoming perfectly clear. She was that girl. A slut, apparently. But why? Obviously this was a lie and Y/N never gave anyone any reason to call her like that. Quite the opposite, actually. Always sticking to the “no boys” policy. Focused on her duties and school obligations. Avoiding romances, flirting and giving anyone any pretence to accuse her of doing something wrong. In the matter of relationship she was much like Wednesday Addams, cut the death glare. So why would someone disseminate such bullshit? Why would someone want to hurt her? Hundreds of questions started spinning in her mind, most of them starting with “Why?”, because she felt overwhelming unfairness of the situation. She was so vulnerable and just as the tears was about to flow down her cheek the fencing master finally got his head around what was going on. One of the students shaking on the ground, completely defenseless, the other with foil in hand and vicious smile. Not good.

“Do we have a problem here, ladies?” he asked approaching the girls

“No, no problem, sir” thera smiled widely showing all her teeth and it came out predatory rather than charming “Y/N tripped and I was just helping her up”

“All right then. Y/N get back on your feet, you still have a duel to finish.

“I…. I don’t really feel very well sir…” y/n muttered, holding her tears back, but not wanting to spend any more minute in this stupid class. The only thing she wished for was getting back to her dorm, covering herself with blanket and pretending nothing was happening.

“I noticed.” Oh, now he noticed “very well then. I will assign you an easier opponent today. How about…..” he turned around the class, searching for the right person to match Y/N’s impaired skills “Mr. Thorpe. Come forward.”

“Why me?” he muttered

“Why him?” Y/N hissed at the same moment. This unison in mutual reluctance made both of them look into each other’s eyes. Auch! It was like the electricity run through their veins, forcing them to turn the gaze away. Everyone at school knew that Xavier wasn’t exactly the greatest fan of Y/N and the other way roud. Of course, for the sake of their common friends (Enid and Ajax included) they were forced to deal with each other from time to time, but it took a lot of effort. They were never paired in class before and the rest of the students held their breaths in anticipation. This dead silence made both Y/N and Xavier regain their common sense.

“You know what, I’m good” Y/N shrugged casually keeping her cool “opponent like any other.”

“You took the words out of my mouth” Xavier smirked.

The teacher nodded and went on to observe other student dueling, not paying any more attention to Thorpe – Y/L/N dynamics.

“Are you all right” Xavier asked before putting his mask on. Clearly he noticed her being blue and those treacherous water in the corner of her eyes

“Why do you care all of a sudden?!” she hissed, not wanting any more attention “we’re not friends, stop acting like you care! You only bare with me because of Ajax. And maybe because you want to get close to Wednesday.”

“I….”

“You’re not the only observant one in the room. I noticed how you look at her.”

“You do realize you just admitted to being sad?”

“Oh, damn it!” she secured her face with mask “are you gonna fight me or what?”

“Gladly.” He mirrored her action and inflicted a blow.

***

The situation was getting worse. Now she was hunted by the words. Slut, bitch, easy girl. Sometimes it was impossible to get out of bed. Y/n wanted to stay hidden from the whole world, pretending like she didn’t exist as some sort of self-protection. She couldn’t even walk her way towards the classroom without being chased by pitying looks, smirks and damning words. Or worse, offensive propositions from some of the more courageous boys. Most of the time she had to walk to class with Ajax or Enid or both just to make it intact. Playing cool and acting like she didn’t care was taking all her energy and on Friday she woke up crying.

“I don’t” Enid interrupted her “Ajax doesn’t. Kent and Divina doesn’t. And Yoko. And hopefully, Wednesday…..”

“Y/N” Within seconds Enid was by her side, holding her hand and hugging her “please, don’t cry or I will.”

“How can I not?” Y/N sobbed “everyone thinks I’m a …..

“I don’t. I dealt with bullies before. I can give you an example of how to retaliate on them.”

“Um, thanks Wednesday, but lashing piranhas on people is not really my style. Besides, I still don’t know who started this.”

“And you don’t need to know.” Wednesday stated blankly “we can just get rid of everyone who repeat it.”

“Wednesday!” Enid was appalled by her attitude “that is not the answer!”

“You’ll do what you want, but don’t say I didn’t give you an easy solution.”

“Right.” Y/N sobbed again “I think I’m gonna skip classes today. Please, tell Thornhill I wasn’t feeling well. Honestly, this is not even a lie…..”

***

Instead of attending botany class, Y/N decided to take a little walk at the lake. Being around water always made her feel better, even despite the fact she wasn’t a siren and it was pretty unusual behavior for an airbender. Most of the time her kind avoided the opposite element., but not her. As she was enjoying the little breeze coming from the water, some laughs and catcalling sounds came from behind and she was forced to turn around as a strong hand fell on her arm starting her.

“Oh, there you are, little one. Waiting for another boy to take care of you?” one of the boys mocked

“Go away” she muttered flatly

“Oh, sweetheart, don’t be like that. I bet we can have some fun.” The other chimed in.

“Yeah, Tom said you can be a lot of fun. Airbender, huh? Bet that add some spice.”

“Tom?” Y/N eyes went wide and suddenly she knew who was the reason behind her torment. The boy she turned down. She refused to get together with him, so to humiliate her and avenge his broken ego he came up with completely made up stories. Well, as much as it hurt, it worked. “That piece of….”

“Shh. Keep that pretty mouth shut.” The first boy came right at her grabbing her chin forcefully

“That is, as long as we tell you to. Those lips may actually come of use later on and ….”

“Leave her alone!” sudden male voice captured everyone attention

“Oh, shit!” Y/N though. The last person I need. What it Thorpe doing here?!

“You know, you can always join us. If what they say about her stamina is right, she’ll be of use to us all……”

He did not get to sat another word as a perfectly aimed punch threw him off guard. Honestly, the only good one since Xavier Thorpe was not exactly a good fighter. Soon he lost his balance and the cards turned on his disadvantage.

“Stop it!” she yelled and surprisingly they all listened turning the gaze on her “I’ll… I’ll go with you, just, just let him go. “ she looked upon Xavier whose lip was busted and whose nose was bleeding and already started to swell. “Let him go, please…” he wasn’t a friend but surely she couldn’t let him get beaten to pulp because of her he was an idiot.

‘Y/N….” Xavier muttered in a warning tone. Don’t you dare.

“now, pretty one. Isn’t that better and easier for everyone?” three boys approached her once again but when they got close enough she made a wind so strong it caused a huge wave and wetted them all from heads to toes.

“Run!” she rushed past the assaulters, helping Xavier on his feet and before the boys realized what happened Y/N and Xavier were halfway to the school.

“What the hell were you thinking?!” she lashed out on him as soon as they reached the quad

“You know, a bit of gratitude would be nice. I was trying to defend you after all.”

“Defend me!” she scoffed “Look where it got you….” her eyes saddened as she looked on his bruised face.

“Y/N…”

“Don’t Y/N me! Just … just show me, that” she cupped his cheek forcing him to look at her and she froze at the spot. What the hell was happening. “I owe you.” she moved a feet away “so as thanks I’m gonna patch you up. Stay here, I’m gonna get some bandages.”

“Whatever.”

She was there and back in a couple of minutes, which made him wonder whether she was running.

“Such a hurry for me?” he smirked

“You must have hit your head pretty hard during that scrimmage. I will never run for anyone. Waste of air in lungs.”

“And that’s coming from the air master.”

“Airbender.” She corrected. “Now stop talking. I need to clean your face.”

He listened and the silence that fell between them was a bit uncomfortable. Here they were. Two people, who were never close, in the middle of an empty quad, not saying a word to each other even if the situation called (or rather screamed) for some explanation.

“Why did you do this?” she asked pulling away after disinfecting his wounds “why did you got involved.”

“Because you didn’t deserve it.”

“That is not a good enough reason to get oneself beaten up.”

“Look.” He rubbed his forehead “regardless of what you think I am not your enemy. And I don’t consider you to be mine. I was just wondering. Maybe we can start our acquaintance again? Not because of Enid’s or Ajax’s or Addams’s sake. I just… I just think we may benefit from it.

“I’m Y/N Y/L/N” she smiled and reached for his hand.

“Nice to meet you Y/N. I’m Xavier Thorpe.” He shook it and reciprocated.

Maybe there was something good coming after all.

@pinksirensong @somest1

#xavier thorpe x reader #xavier thorpe #xavier wednesday #wednesday fanfic #netflix wednesday #wednesday netflix #wednesday x reader #nevermore #nevermore academy #wednesday series #wednesday fandom #xavier thorpe x y/n #xavier thorpe x you #xavier thorpe x pixie!reader #xavier thorpe imagine #xavier thorpe fluff #xavier thorpe fic

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paranoidpoltergeist · 2 years

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Starscream is genuinely such a tragic character because as much as he's just kinda crazy every iteration has something that just makes u feel so bad for him.

IDW Starscream is something I couldn't scrape the surface of if you gave me 107 days. G1 Starscream's is not only mainly just used for comic relief the poor guy, but he lost his partner who then turns around and in his eyes betrays him. I mean Skyfire had every right to go "what in the fuc" and dip but the fact he went with Starscream in the first place tells me that somewhere along the way something happened to make him go coocoo.

In prime he was seemingly manipulated into joining the Decepticons and then constantly talked down to. From my perspective it honestly just seemed like Starscream was after praise or recognition which he never gets, now if this is because Megatron's a dick or because of the dark energon idk. I mean he kept the Decepticons afloat the entire time Megatron was gone chasing what was by all accounts a myth and did more then we saw Megs do THE ENTIRE SERIES. He managed to kill an Autobot, we never actually see any casualties and they've got a steady flow of energon.

I mean even in RID his main goal was to just kill Megs and tbh if I'd been beat down over everything I did, even if it was wrong bc I personally thought it was the right way to go about it, I'd be majorly pissed too. Yeah he wants control of the Decepticons but(and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong it's been a very long time since I've watched prime) I only remember him actually attempting to kill Megatron once or twice. Sure he was self serving but just bc he wants respect.

Bayverse Starscream was just the saddest thing I've ever seen. He could breathe and Megatron was drop kicking him off a building, didn't even get to be the treacherous sic jeez💀

Dude the WFC Trilogy was so wild idek how to word it so kind of a take on his character as a whole here. It was weird and characterizations were way off but I actually liked Starscream. He was still the guy we know and love but with a neat twist. He still had that tragic feeling to him especially getting traumatized and all but Dinobot telling him everything he went through wasn't an excuse to hurt other people was just *chefs kiss* bc it's really not. As tragic as Stars character is it's not an excuse for him to hurt the people around him. I mean no matter how bad I can feel for Prime Screamer he still used and manipulated everyone around him(Knockout for one). This is in no way me trying to justify or make him a good guy, a character can be tragic while still being a bad person. Somebody get him in therapy lol.

Oh man and don't get me started on the Unicron Trilogy Starscream. Probably the most tragic of them all, poor guy did not deserve any of Megatrons abuse. Allow me to let him speak for himself "I tried to gain favor from you, but nothing was ever good enough. No matter how many battles I fought, you always found fault." He really just wanted recognition, he literally sacrificed himself just so Megatron could get it through his thick head he needed to team up with the Autobots, and I recently had someone point out to me Starscream probably could have done some damage to Unicron with Swindle but he knew he was gonna die and he didn't wanna drag his mini-con down with him. Just ow.

Animated Screamer was just wild idek what he was on I can't defend him lmao bro opens the show trying and almost succeeded in killing Megan. I'd comment on Cyberverse if I could but I haven't actually got to watching that yet whoops. I feel like I remember seeing a clip of him talking about wanting the respect he deserved which honestly could have been his ego talking or really sad idk, but back to what I was originally saying.

Almost every time he shows up and you pay him any attention besides comic relief he's a super tragic character and it's not only what makes him one of my favorite but it makes me sad when I see people completely disregard everything but whats on the barest of surface levels. I feel like that's all Micheal Bay did he remembered Star being comic relief and so thats all he was. He's like an onion for lack of a better analogy, got a million layers, might make u cry, and you either love him or hate him. He could be such a compelling interesting character like with IDW but no one wants to look below the surface AND I GET IT 9/10 were literal children's shows so they're forgiven but Micheal Bay is on my hit list for that one.

edit: bro if this makes absolutely zero sense I literally wrote and posted this at 3am and then just scheduled it at a normal time for reasons I'm not actually 100% on so sorry💀

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chaotic-toby · 6 months

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I might write this out or I might not, but I just had to type this out bc I will explode if I don't. Please excuse Toby's ramblings.

Okay, so I've mentioned before about how I wanted to write something about Asa Emory's childhood. Like, a collection of one-shots showcasing random thoughts about how his childhood was like. Just random things I think up.

Well, while I was walking to my third period class today, I thought of Asa Emory in high school and how much of a train wreck that would be.

As I've established before, Asa was-- and still is-- a loner. He barely had any friends in school and the few he had seemed to drift away. I'll come back to that later bc I have a whole thing about that.

Asa hated his classmates. I know that when Asa was in school, it was a completely different generation if you're thinking realistically, but this is mainly me projecting (shocker I know it /sarc) so let's just say that his classmates act similar to how high schoolers act in this day and age.

He despises them. I've seen someone headcanon that Asa hates loud noises, and after rewatching The Collector for the sixth time today, I can see it. His classmates were so loud, and everyday, he would come home overstimulated. However, as a kinda shy student, there wasn't much he could do about that, so he just tried to focus on his school work. His teachers LOVED him, though they were also a bit creeped out by him as well, but they tried their best to not judge too much. Though there were some teachers that didn't care and mistreated him but he ignore them.

Asa tried acting like he didn't care that he didn't have close friends, but when he watched people talking to their friends or partners, he would get jealous. He tried dating the few people who surprisingly took an interest in him, but those relationships never lasted long. They were either using him for sex (asexual Asa believer (I literally just thought about that as I am writing this)) or they were using him to seem nice or something. Idk. Eventually, he just gave up trying to date someone, and every time someone asked him out, he either ignored them or rudely declined.

Everytime there was a bug in the classroom, Asa would stop anyone from killing it, pick it up, open the window, and let it free. He never understood why people would get mad at him for that. It was like they wanted to see bug guts splattered on the ground.

Anyways, back to his friends. This is the part I am excited to discuss. So, I've said that Asa didn't have many friends, but he did have one that he considered a close friend at one point. I like to think he had a friend from the 7th grade all the way to the 12th. However, in the 12th grade, the friend started to hang out with another person a lot. At first, Asa didn't mind. He didn't expect his friend to only be friends with him, nor consider him their best friend. However, he soon noticed how everytime they were hanging out, and the friend's friend showed up, the friend would pay more attention to the other person than him. Again, he was fine with it. He was a quiet person anyways, and the main thing he liked to talk about was insects and gory stuff. It was understandable if his friend wanted to hang out with someone normal.

Though, this eventually evolved into his friend, not ignoring him per se, but Asa became the third wheel. Asa wanted to hang out with his friend, but his friend's friend was always there, taking all of his friend's attention. Every time he tried to start a conversation, the other person will interrupt, leaving Asa to just stand there, watching as his friend was noticeably more happier with their new best friend.

At first, he was sad. He's known his friend since the 7th grade, while the newcomer had only known them since the 10th grade. Asa had known them longer, and yet, it was obvious that his friend preferred the other person over him. He didn't cry over it. Of course not, but it did dampen his mood for a while. It led to him skipping breakfast at school just so he wouldn't have to sit beside his friend only to get ignored.

This sadness, however, eventually turned into anger. He had thoughts about killing his friend's friend, knowing full well that he could get away with it. He spent weeks planning it over. Thinking of all the things he could do to them. How he could mutilate them, if he should even keep them in the first place, or if he should put the person somewhere public so that his friend could see; could see the mistake they made. (I wanna say that that was his first ever kill and what started it all).

Welp, that's all I've thought about. None of what I've said is canon, obviously. Just my little headcanons and projecting. I love Asa so much and I wish the Collector movies were more popular :(

#the whole friend thing and asa being the third wheel is something that is currently happening to me #obviously im not planning on killing my friend's friend #trying to get away with murder sounds tiring #and im a busy person #also prison seems like a sensory hell #also i won't have my blorbos in prison #a shame #please excuse my ramblings i have the 'tism and im hyperfixating #asa emory #the collector movies #the collector (2009)#the collection (2012)#arkin o'brien #headcanons #im projecting

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honeyedheartss · 6 months

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making a separate post for this so I don't hijack a gifmakers post but

@burntstay u literally have no idea! the entire past 2 years have been insane so excuse my rambling post

1. I went to see Dan last Nov and Dec. I went in November when he came to Seattle and got SO excited to finally meet him after so many years that I stumbled all over the MnG and couldn't respond to his very gentle kind compliments. So I flew to Oakland to see him again 😭 It hurt my bank account but not only did I meet him at that show during the MnG but he talked to me during the show too (interactive comedy show and I said I'd fuck the cinnamon toast crunch mascot bc he's a twink. he booed me but then brought it up several more time 💀)

November and December, respectively. (yeah he did accidentally get that fucking silver marker on my arm 💀)

2. Also in November, I had the opportunity to catch Kurtis Conners set he was doing in Seattle :] I went to the early show in the balcony bc it was what i could afford and Loved it sooo much but couldn't see bc I didn't have glasses at the time and at the end when I was calling my friend to talk about it, someone offered me 3rd row tickets because they had to cancel for a family emergency. I took them, could see the set, and it was just as funny the 2nd time!

the next day I'd taken my friend to Pikes Place (popular indoor/outdoor multi-vendor permanent market in Seattle) and ran into him and Jenna in the comics store!

^ me being so insanely happy but embarrassed bc I was partially non verbal and was trying so hard to communicate with him. (he was so incredibly kind and patient and then I helped him find the script he was looking for 😌 <- I do not work at that store)

now rapid fire! I also got to finally see Cirque! my old boss at the club had an extra ticket and brought me along!! (I have tried to sew Cirque THREE times and circumstances have always gotten in the way. mostly me moving abruptly like a week before the date they were in town)

In April, I got to see Hippocampus (one of my FAVE indie bands idc idc) and the guitarist Nathan gave me a pick! I also got to see Conan Gray again (saw him in 2019 without knowing who he was and got obsessed) and Cavetowns show with Tessa Violet. and Tessa RECOGNIZED ME which would have been insane anyways but I look SO different from the past times I've seen her!! I also saw some smaller bands and they were some of the most lovely kind caring people ever!

and then in June I saw 5SOS for the first time. I've been listening to them since I was a little tumblrina in 2014 and I cried so hard during their show. pure unadulterated nostalgia and joy. it was a really good show too (and that month my BFF who I usually go out to Philly to see once a year was able to come to ME because of a work conference 🥹 and my partner came up for our yearly 1 month together!)

also that month I met a comedian I ADORE!!! I found him by accident on Dry Bar Comedy in maybe 2015? and have watched his stuff on YouTube and followed him on Twitter since and I randomly ran into him in a vintage store in Tacoma??? And of course the first thing my dumb ass said instead of "oh wow it's Shayne Smith!! I'm a huge fan" no... I said "YO it's the guy I showed u that one time when I was drunk!!!" to my sister 😭😭 He luckily is a really dope guy, thought it was very funny, and danced around with me

In October I went to a music festival out east and saw a BUNCH of my favorite bands and King Princess said I looked hot, so highlight of my compliments fr (and saw mitski!) Lorde was coming but her set got massively delayed due to faulty tech and I had to make the last train so I didn't get stranded and did not get to see her.

Also I got matching tattoos with my other bff who I flew to seattle to stay with me for a week 🥹 hi @catholicdaredevil

which circles us back to the November/December stuff I talked about first cuz I got excited

The rest of the winter was just struggling through till I saw the sun again but I DID get to meet a long term internet friend at the convention in Seattle (s/o to @pjsforestkid for so lovingly dealing with my low energy the whole day)

April I saw Noel Miller live!!! June my partner came up and we traipsed around

and then September and October I got to sew 4 hozier shows, was barricade for 3 of them (and have professional photos for all 3 times I was barricade which is INSANE!!!!!), hozier called me out on stage for my shirt, I got posted on his ig, and I met almost the entirety of a friend group I've had since 2019 AND DanandPhilGames returned from the hiatus

it's been an insane almost 2 years I finally feel like my life is sorting itself out and I'm so overjoyed

this is such a long fucking post but your tags just reminded me of all the joy and love I have been experiencing and the love that continues!!! I am so happy :)

#banana rambles #long post

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here4kpopfics · 8 months

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Hi kellyyy 💜 how was your day?

Mine was ok. Kinda meh. But today I got to know who DPR Ian 🤤 is, so that made it a little better lool @gimmethatagustd mentioned writing a fic about him and jk and reader and that little seed it’s now planted in my brain so I’ll patiently, lovingly wait for it 🤣

My bias is jimin and can’t really explain why. He’s just so talented. Hardworking. The most loving person on earth. So endearing. Cutie sexy lovely. I could go on but also can’t articulate more on how much/ why I love him 😂💘🥲 who’s your bias? I’m guessing jk or yoongi maybe?🤔

Idk to what extent jk’s subbyness (yes I just made this word up) goes, but I just know he is. I also just know he is 100% lovebug jk. That’s how my brain registered him as. And it’s not going to change jajajajaajaja I’m delusional I know but it’s kinda your fault 🤨🤪💜

I’m getting to know seventeen and I love seungkwan, he gives me Seokjin on his most unhinged, crack-humor mode and funny I thought he was the oldest lolololol love them all but him, mingyu and hoshi are my weakness 💘 wby?

On pizza toppings… hmm vegetables? Also where I live we have a cheese named catupiry and it’s just 🤌🏼🤌🏼 perfect😍 which toppings would you like? what happened with domino’s, though? I like both PH and them jejejee

I’m sorry for the rambling but these questions were fun and it’s nice talking to you 🫶🏼 also, it’s 2.30 am and can’t sleep so…🙈

Omg jaz I love you 🙈

Boo on a meh day but yay on it getting better. 💜 idk why I haven’t even tried to get into dpr Ian yet. I feel like I’d be overwhelmed. But also EXCUSE ME @gimmethatagustd EXPLAIN?!

Jimin is just perfection. It’s so hard to explain how just grndbgdgb beautiful and talented and kind and just ugh he is. And of course it’s jk as my bias( for bts at least) Tho Yoongi has been like fighting for that spot so hard. Jimin is third. The others are just my dude bros. Idk why.

I REALLY HOPE HE IS LOVEBUG CODED. WHOEVER HIS PARTNER IS OR WILL BE BETTER APPRECIATE HIS LOVE. I think he’s a switchy boy honestly. Very adhd with positions and can’t decide if he wants to spend hours teasing you and being a hoe about it or giving you everything you want bc you said his name.

Boo Seungkwan is absolutely Seokjin are you kidding. They have the same temper tantrums and both walk the line of professional mc and like super introvert that wants to hide in a corner. I adore that man so much and want to protect him from all the toxicity in the world. He deserves the best. Mingyu is a hoe and is too pretty. Hoshi is my chaotic boy. Seungcheol is my boyfriend, Jeonghan is my girlfriend, and DK is my boy next door that lets me ride his thighs.

I am a strictly extra pepperoni and spicy Italian sausage on my pizzas. Oh and light sauce. Too much makes it icky. And like a sprinkle of oregano if available. Dominos gave me horrific food poisoning a few years ago and so it’s on the no no list for a while. Papa Johns I know a lot of people hate but like…idk I just prefer it? Especially reheated the next day?

YOU ARE FREE TO RAMBLE AWAY AND ASK QUESTIONS WHENEVER YOU’D LIKE.

That goes for everyone. Idc what it’s about. If you feel like rambling, go for it. Something exciting happen today? I wanna celebrate with you. It’s lonely af on this blog sometimes. Let’s have fun.

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himalayaan-flowers · 5 months

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“you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves”

“if therapy doesn’t work the person just isn’t ready to engage properly”

phrases like this make me hate myself so so so so so much because it makes me feel like i’m a failure at therapy too i feel like i have /tried/ to engage with therapy in the past multiple times

it’s not that i don’t want it to help i turned up for sessions i did the exercises they gave me but it didn’t work and then i end up thinking do people think i’m stubborn?? lazy?? unwilling to try? because i feel like i’ve tried and tried but maybe i didn’t try /enough/ maybe i just use mental health as an excuse and don’t take accountability

then i see people talking about people with “red flags” and i think is that me am i toxic am i someone everyone should just avoid because i’m too negative

but then i see other people saying therapy and psychiatry is a scam and talking about how it doesn’t work - i don’t think it’s that black and white. i think therapy helps a lot of people, especially if people believe it will.

but i also think it’s just seen as a cure for everyone and sometimes it’s just not because sometimes your beliefs and values are too deep rooted or complicated to change and sometimes you need a problem fixed rather than being told how to cope with it and sometimes you need someone who loves you and not someone who is being paid to care (i don’t mean that as a criticism or to say therapists shouldn’t be paid of course they should and need to be and i’m not saying therapists don’t really care about their clients i’m sure many therapists go into the field bc they have a genuine desire to help people - but just that a therapist isn’t a replacement for love from family/ partners/friends)

all i want is to be able to disappear without guilt because therapists can be wonderful but i’ve never felt understood or really cared for by one and that’s probably my flaw again, but that just emphasises that i’m not fixable

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foxymoxynoona · 5 months

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Ive decided to skip ahead and read book 3 with no context lol so i may be missing lots of details but i know i wont go through with reading the whole thing if i dont skip. Read chapter 4. The fact Jungkook thinks hes “won” is disgusting to me, its not about winning or loosing. I understand his pov but this is just messed up. I think he should getting therapy too honestly he became a star at such a young age thats got to mess u up a bit. Sasha sounds so defeated in her voice mail, I hope she sticks up for herself more bc this group at the tattoo shop seem like trouble. He wants to “fit in and seem cool” bc he doesnt like his bb image which is ok, but he doesnt want to change artists bc he doesnt want ppl to control his life. Im sorry, i would understand this in any logical situation, but this is just outright stupid. You want sasha to support u getting tattoos well she is now! But everytime she looks at them she’ll be reminded of the time they spent apart and the girl he fucked how she supposed to be supportive of that. Also, whats the point of going to ur friends if u don’t take their advice. Oh right, you don’t want their advice, you just want them to be on ur side bc u want to “win”. And not sticking up for your gf, Stop no excuse. He gave her a sexual disease ofc he did smh 🤦‍♀️ Shes just asking u to change artists why are her feelings not valid and naoks (whatever her name is) is. So you kept a promise to support the girl u fucked, but don’t think abt ur gf’s feelings. He said he was thinking of telling her after if his “plan” had gone right, yet she prolly would’ve been upset then too so why are u surprised she yelled in the car. And naiko or whatevers comments were so fucking out of line she def took a photo and is prolly gonna blackmail jk and then hes gonna realize shes not the “cool girl” he thought she was but by then it’ll be too late. Sasha deserves so much better than this man go find a man who doesnt think of arguments as games. Is it wrong that i want jk to face some karma… I was shaking while reading this chapter bc smth similar like this has happend to me b4 so maybe its my emotions talking. Anyways luv u bye~

NO context!!!! 🤣🤣 I can't imagine what that's like, there's sooo much history in the first two books. This feels like a social experiment now hahaha.

I'm so sorry something similar happened to you though! I think scenes like this get very personal feeling when there's overlap with any real lived experiences.

I see the "I won!" thought Jungkook had coming up a LOT with readers, which is in particular very amusing to me. Yeah, no one should be approaching arguments with a partner as win/lose... but really none of y'all ever had that little thought when your partner finally sees your way or agrees to defer to you and you think "fuck yeah, I won" ??? 😂 You are all better people than me. I wouldn't say it but... 🤣

#asks #anonymous #my matryoshka

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revelautions · 6 months

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It's been a long time since I've been on Tumblr. I made a new one bc I'm terrified of my ex finding anything I say. Not because I think they would physically hurt me in response, I don't, but bc I can't bring myself to hurt them in any way.

And honestly, that's kind of always been my biggest problem.

They didn't feel the same way. They would provoke emotional responses from me intentionally.

They would also insist that they had a right to try to pressure me into sex, bc they had a higher sex drive, didn't believe I was attracted to them, didn't believe I would stay with them, didn't feel like I was taking their needs into consideration.

And there was nothing I could do to convince them that they were wrong.

They could and would state that they understood that nothing excuses pressuring a partner about sex in the context of literally anyone else.

But nothing could convince them that they weren't an exception.

Despite their claims, there is NO disability that gives anyone the right to pressure a partner about sex.

And that was just one of the things that had been consistent since the beginning.

And I cannot tell our friends about that. I cannot say to them, who only became friends with me because of my ex, that my ex spent a decade emotionally manipulating me constantly, and not just about sex.

I can't tell them that I don't have other friends because every friend who tried to keep in touch with me at all was Not Good Enough for my ex, and therefore I was basically harassed into not engaging with them.

I can't tell them that our relationship really started to fall apart when I became too sick not to stand up for myself anymore.

I can't tell them that my ex basically broke up with me because they couldn't get away with emotionally abusing me anymore in the name of their own trauma and disabilities.

I can't tell them that the same day my ex threw something at me, they accused me of emotional manipulation when I cried and admitted that I was scared.

I can't tell them that my ex admits to most of their past behavior, but that they refuse to acknowledge it for what it actually is.

I can't tell them that the reason they rarely heard me speak is because my ex was constantly speaking over me.

I can't tell them that I had pointed it out and asked multiple times for my ex to stop.

I can't tell them that I also have all the disabilities my ex claims gave them the right to behave this way. And my ex knows good and damn well that it wouldn't have been okay for me to act like that.

I can't tell them that I spent a decade being told that my emotions were a problem and my ex's were beyond their control.

I can't tell them that my ex spent a decade talking about how terrified they were of ending up in a relationship like their parents', only to behave exactly like the relationship they were desperately trying to avoid.

I can't tell them that I couldn't leave, because I couldn't hurt my ex, because they had stated that they would "go crazy" or d*e without me.

I can't tell them that I am so deeply traumatized that I am the closest I have ever been to legitimately su***dal. (I won't. I can't hurt them like that. Even now.)

I can't tell them that I have been made to feel so deeply like a burden that I don't know how to even try to recover.

I can't tell them that my ex made a selfish decision that put me into a position that I had just expressed to them was impossible for me.

I can't tell them that I have lost absolutely everything.

I can't tell them that it's entirely possible that everything my ex has ever said about me privately may have been intended to paint me as a Problem.

I can't know how much of any of it my ex really believes.

I can't know how much of any of it my ex lies about even to themself.

I can't bring myself to try to address it directly, even now. Because it would hurt them. And I can't hurt them.

I really really wish that they felt that way about me. I really really wish that anyone did.

Because even though all of this is true, I do love them. And I wasn't going to leave them. And I wanted to be good enough for them.

But, just like always, I'm not.

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yizuos · 6 months

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I will always cherish you in every universe we meet.

「 SYNOPSIS 」 ⋮

ꕥ author note ⋮ oldie i found my draft so i thought why not post it? excuse him being occ i don't trust myself doing his accent. Also this Reupload bc spelled tags wrong last time LMAO

♡ prompt: this idea inspired by an reel post by brujo_ari_ of oc characters when i saw it thought "never made her have siblings better yet Amari should invite hobie met her siblings.."

ꕥ word count ⋮ 694

♡ contents ⋮ fluff blk spidersona x hobie

Amari invited Hobie to meet her younger brothers, Henri and Étienne. Already happy to hear that their older sister had brought her partner over, Amari would give them rules: not to tell him any embarrassing stories about her.

However, they ended up telling him how Amari would go on for hours talking about him to Lia, her friend. After being embarrassed by this, she ordered them back to their rooms until he said, "They can stay with us after all. It wasn't that bad."

Amari wanted to playfully punch him, but she stayed calm and agreed. Henri and Étienne asked him about his punk style and little brother's interests and talked for half an hour until Amari told the brother's it was their bedtime.

Henri and Étienne expressed sadness about having to go, but they were happy to meet Hobie. As they went to their bedroom, Amari and Hobie bid them goodnight, and they both replied with a "goodnight."

Amari gave her partner an embarrassed look and said, "Don't ask, I know what you're going to say. 'Cutest British accent?'" He chuckled and replied, "It's a bit funny. I'm yours but you're still a bit shy of dating me. It's a cute look, and thank you for saying that. I could say the same for you."

Amari started to feel flustered and mumbled a thank you to Hobie. They stayed together talking for hours until he said, "Ah, shit. I forgot I had plans with my band. I gotta get going before they get on my ass for being late, but I'll see you later?"

Waiting for her reply, Amari, who looked shocked but a bit sad in her eyes, said, "Yeah." Amari sighed to herself before making her way to the door to say goodbye to him.

Until an idea popped into her head before he could leave. "Ah, I forgot to give you this last time. Let me go find it." Amari rushed to her room to find the gift she forgot to give him. Once she found it, she sped to the door. After getting to the door, she said, "Here, I made this kitty plushie with the same style as you. I took a bit to finish, so hop-"

He interrupted her, saying, "I love it! It looks great. Thank you, Amari," with a happy tone. Amari looked at him in disbelief at what she heard, but she regained her thoughts and told him it was no problem.

"I'm going now. It was really great meeting your brothers. It was fun. Next time when your brothers come over, we should have a sleepover or could be us," he said.

Amari replied, "Yeah, that would be great!" She was also happy but deep down a bit nervous. This was her first relationship, and nobody had ever pitched the idea of having a sleepover, aside from her friend Lia and her family.

After they both said their goodbyes, Amari closed the door and sighed. She sensed someone was watching her and turned around to see her brothers, Henri and Étienne. "You're so getting it," she exclaimed, furious at them for embarrassing her in front of Hobie.

Her brothers playfully screamed and started to run away from their older sister, Amari, catching up to them and grabbing them. "You guys are getting tickled for embarrassing me in front of Hobie," Amari said. The brothers protested while laughing, and Amari started tickling them.

"Amari, plea-" Henri couldn't finish his sentence without laughing, while Étienne mumbled for her to stop. Seeing her siblings' joy, she started to laugh along with them and eventually stopped tickling them.

"Okay, that's enough now, boys. You've learned your lesson. Go back to bed or I'll tell Mother you stayed up," she said.

Her brothers proceeded to go back to their rooms without any questions or stalling. Amari smiled as she saw them off back to bed and then went to her room. She closed her eyes for a bit to relax her mind, changed into her night clothes, and flopped onto her bed. "Maybe I will cherish him in every universe we meet..." she whispered to herself before drifting into slumber.

#atsv hobie #hobie brown #atsv fluff #atsv fanfiction #spider punk

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lucyandthepen · 9 months

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Hi, it’s me again ! 🍬anon.

So I have a few things to say hehehe.

First the other day, I read « last Eden » I just can’t wait to see how it will continue !!

Second, I just read your last one shot with mark and- omg. I loved it. Like, I really took my time to read it because I enjoyed every part of it. The moment where Mark and y/n opened mystery box, it was so so so cute. And also? Jealous mark ? From the moment I saw Johnny appearing and y/n saying that he is her « partner » I knew mark will misunderstood it 😭.

Also (I say also a lot, pardon me, English isn’t my mother tongue ☹️, so sometimes I struggle to say what I really meant lol), your smut was so well written like- I had butterflies in my stomach lol. I sometimes don’t feel very comfortable reading smut because sometimes it’s written in a was that makes me cringe but this one… beautiful 10/10 chef kiss 💋

+ I loved noisy jaehyun,,

I cannot wait to read your other works ! I think I’m your #1 fan because I come to your blog everyday to see if you posted anything new haha.

Have a great day/night, take care of yourself <333

hello, my sweet candy anon! (i'm not on my phone, and i'm very lazy when it comes to looking for emojis on the laptop, so please excuse me using my words LOL!!!) re: last eden, i'm so grateful you gave it a shot! i'm definitely excited to see how it'll progress with you guys, as the story's still being built and changed here and there! i hope it's a story that'll continue to entertain you and others :)

ahhhh, you really called it! i see mark as a very jealous boi, but lowkey enough not to do it (only enough to sulk about it maybe HAHAHA), but he definitely read too deeply into the required closeness between mc and johnny! we'll forgive him bc hes CUTE when he's jealous!!! i really did love the mystery box scene; i loved thinking about how they could share this one thing together, like an experience that's kind of unique to them, just to bring them closer.

i'm unbelievably grateful you were able to enjoy my smut! i can't say i'm that great at writing it, which is exactly why i'm trying my best to write more of it to get better! action in general is very difficult for me to write, but i guess you can't improve if you don't do it at all, so it's always fun to try! i'm glad it wasn't something that made you cringe and that it was a natural read for you; that gives me a lot of motivation to get even better!!!!!!!!

as a side note: don't ever apologize for learning english as a secondary language! we're all trying to learn and get better, even me, and i've lived in countries where students aren't normally fluent in english and i've worked in the ESL industry for a while now, so it's nothing you have to seek pardon for! you're doing great, and i'm so proud of you. you're killing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

i cannot wait to hear more from you, and i hope we'll be able to talk a lot and enjoy talking about nct together! from today, i am also your number one fan. <3 i hope you have a wonderful day/night wherever you may be, and always stay sweet, my precious friend!!!!!!!

#lucy.exe

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vizthedatum · 10 months

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This is the illness, lack of regular eating, righteous indignation, feeling behind at work even though you’re trying, etc. talking: I hate my ex/spouse.

I do love my friends and partners. I have an immense amount of love in me. Even when I’m like this.

I had an amazing night last night. And I genuinely feel so thankful and amazing due to the love from my friends and partners.

I also am a very whole person who has been going through grief since childhood.

—

I just…

Sometimes I honestly wish I were more naturally a complete prick like my ex. And maybe not so “feminine” and curvy or whatever so that people don’t just see me like a sex object (which is unrelated to me being hypersexual). Because then… maybe people would just have more empathy for me?

That’s not a great logical argument.

People get upset with me and don’t communicate or have empathy. They think I’m just there to please them. And I do. I like doing things for people… even without asking. I am gonna demand more now too.

Isn’t it wild that when I ask for affection or tokens of love (even if non-romantic or non-sexual), people back away?

Or when I tell people that I need space - it’s seen as a rejection? As if they’re entitled to my time without a prior agreement….

Or when I tell people I need more time with them, then they don’t even tell me their boundaries… leaving me wondering and then I ultimately err on giving them space.

Sigh no wonder I chase people who are emotionally unavailable - at least they keep me on a string and I know what to expect. Even if it hurts so fucking much. I know I’m better than that. I deserve better than that.

Isn’t it wild that I tell past sexual partners that I want my orgasms to be a priority and they literally cannot even deal? Or it’s a chore to them? Or they don’t want to? Even when they orgasm every single time?

Or that I think that if I tell someone how to please me or show me affection that it would be taken the wrong way, so I make myself small?

My ex figured me out. They stopped doing things other than basic food things for me a long time ago. And then after a fight or when they needed something, they’d offer me acts of service that they knew I craved. It always came with a price. And if I couldn’t do chores or do stuff with them or whatever, then… I was made to feel like I didn’t deserve affection.

Sometimes I’d fawn so hard just to get them to have sex with me (they gave up foreplay or even trying to get me aroused or trying to get me to cum) - they would come up with so many excuses.

No excuses when they wanted something or when they wanted to get off though.

No excuses to touch me whenever they wanted (and I let them because I craved their touch) or to regulate them.

—

And then past lovers of mine act like they’re so hurt when I don’t orgasm… even when I offer guidance and collaboration. And when I pull back my energy and tell them I don’t want to have sex, they act like they’re so entitled. They interrogate me.

Even past lovers who are also trans and queer and “woke” act like this: “oh but the point of sex isn’t to cum” or something. I had a lover who was also a close friend who emotionally hurt me so badly but whenever I try to tell them, they kinda just don’t get it. Or they just cry because of their own trauma. And they just did it bc of their own trauma responses. I can’t even trust them anymore because they are so fucking dissociated that they don’t actually read what I write, they don’t tell me what they want, they made me feel like just a sexually attractive body who could fill their void with my musings, they don’t engage in ethical polyamory despite wanting to, and more.

I guess I’m just also an asshole for just talking about my life - but I’m a writer. And I write about my life.

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shotdownbylove · 2 years

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I was just scrolling sa archive stories ko on Instagram and I saw this.

I remember that day I was torn kung sasagutan ko ba to bc it’s not something to be proud of kasi kapal naman mukha ko kung ganon but I’ll just answer here.

Yes, I have cheated on my girlfriend (the one I have now)

That time kasi hindi pa talaga ako totally moved on sa last relationship ko. I admit naman din sakanya na ganon nga na hindi pa talaga ako ready. But she accepted it and waited for me for almost 2years.

Yep. Almost 2 years, sobrang patient niya with me and sa feelings ko. We didn’t made it hard for each other kaya magkasama parin kami even though “we’re on a break” but I used to talk to a lot of girls (and guys) And I know sa part na yon ang tanga ko. To think na may naghihintay sakin and ready ako tanggapin over and over and over again. I took her for granted. Na ruin ko yung trust niya and still trying my bestest to bring it back kahit alam ko sa sarili na impossible naman mangyare yon.

Dami ko nakikita and napapanood sa socmed about sa “umamin” thingy. I’m not proud sa nagawa ko. I’m still responsible for the damage caused. Di ko alam anong reason bakit niya pa gusto magstay sakin despite everything that happened. I’m so blessed and grateful for this one.

EDIT:

August 22,2022 Our 53rd month. We had an unusual conversation. We talked about our past relationships. Which we didn’t knew would ever happened.

But yeah. I realized na sobrang nagbago pala talaga ako. Before I used to beg for love. I can even remember myself being tanga tanga and hinahabol yung ex ko na alam kong di naman na babalik pero now sobrang different. Iba yung impact ng trauma sakin. To the point na hiniling ko na sana di ko na nakilala yung tao na yon para yung taong mahal ko ngayon sakanya ko nabubuhos lahat ng pagmamahal na meron ako noon.

Nakakapansisi na di ako dumaan sa tamang healing process. Nakakapansisi na we had to go through all these para marealize ko na I’m worthy of the love I truly deserve. Alam ko na walang excuses because nagcheat ako and I will never be proud of it. I regret going through that phase. Sobrang hindi deserve ng partner ko.

I’m lucky we get to talk about what had happened in the past. And I’m more than lucky she gave me another chance. Hindi ko na to sasayangin. 🥺💗

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abitscrewyvinn · 2 years

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Welcome to Screwy Talks About DID For The Thousandth Time! Today’s episode is: How We Started.

The first Weirdness I noticed was ‘voices’.For a long time I thought I had schizophrenia because that was one of the Two Mental Illnesses I Knew Existed (Thanks, media) and it was always portrayed as scary. I was terrified that that would make me Bad. I tried to ignore it and just say it was Haha Funny Quirky Writer Shit. The voices were never quite clear audio hallucinations, but I knew they weren’t me.

I went on for a while like that just pretending it wasn’t a thing. Pretty sure that if it was a writing thing, they’d stop if I stopped writing. (Spoiler alert, they didn’t stop and still have trouble shutting the hell up actually)

My ex started my journey and I appreciate the eye-opening, but my dude’s amount of research was pretty much Nothing and he ended up just stressing us out further etc etc ended up with a lot of new splits to try and cope (several of which I’m pretty sure appeared to try and get me out of the relationship but only JD succeeded with the help of our now-wife) So my research started a little late. I knew I had DID (we called it multiplicity at the time, because he didn’t know there was a psychiatric term for it and I relied on him for most information whoops) but I didn’t know shit about it. I went with what he told me. So, back then, I felt very fake for some reason.

Then JD popped up and he and our wife were like Actually This Is Shit. After that it was free game as far as research goes. I went everywhere online, so many articles and scientific texts (I woke up at 7 am today please excuse my shitty wording. There’s a word I’m looking for and I can’t brain). I read anything I could find.

Fun fact actually. Fenris originally went dormant because he was one of the ones who knew from the start that our ex was Not Good. He tried to tell us not to pursue him, and we ignored him, so he went Fuck It I’m Out. He came back around 2020 and went “I fucking told you so- wait wHY IS THERE A PLAGUE—” and he’s been more active.

I’d had therapists before, and tried to explain it once. But at first, all the info I had was from my ex. I got another therapist in early 2020 when that shit was free bc Covid, and talked to her about it. The cool thing was I got SUPER LUCKY because her mentor has DID. So she knew everything to ask, gave me a test sheet thingy, and I went through it. I tried EMDR and that Didn’t Go Well I just ended up kind of dissociating harder ^^” It’s not for everyone.

So, there are still times when I feel like it’s all fake despite being later diagnosed by a psychiatrist and being validated by a therapist who was mentored by a system. I think we may also be on the autism spectrum but uh that’s a harder one to diagnose for fem-assigned folks and I have really bad insurance at the moment sooo rip me for now.

It’s taken me A While, basically. It’s very tiring, and it’s not fun, but there are ways to cope. I also think it’s important to note that it can be hilarious, and there are some interesting things a system can do. On occasion me and a couple of my partners will take party games like Truth or Dare or Would you Rather, gather a couple alters to play, and alternate between alters (hah wording). So while mental illness isn’t fun and quirky, it’s still possible to HAVE fun.

To quote a comedian I like: Disability can be hilarious. You just have to be on the right side of the laughter.

As another side note: If you’re not a doctor specifically treating someone, don’t fucking accuse people of faking. You don’t know them. You’re not entitled to their trauma. Even if they don’t have DID, they’re probably still working something out, which just makes you a dick and causes problems for them and their view on reality/themselves.

Anyway I’m going to go either fall asleep or play The Witcher.

#Rambles #DID

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