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#bc ill get an anxiety attack over it </3 but otherwise?

toneelspeelster · 4 years

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portraying trauma, a skam and remakes comparison

disclaimer: i’ll start this by saying this meta will be critical of the way wtfock portrayed their version of a traumatic experience (the gay bashing). if you do not want to engage with criticism on this, i’d advise you not to read. this will also discuss only a few versions (skam, druck, skam nl and wtfock) in particular because i didn’t want to make it too long and because i feel these versions deal with trauma in an interesting way.

common reactions

in any case, i’d like to start with common reactions after experiencing a traumatic event, be it a sexual assault, emotional assault, physical assault etc.

1. anxiety and fear 2. re-experiencing of the trauma. 3. increased vigilance 4. avoidance 5. anger 6. guilt/shame 7. grief/depression 8. self image and view of the world is negative, trust is difficult. 9. difficulty with sexual relationships 10. substance abuse (i’d include negative coping mechanisms here too). source

now, i mention this not because i think every remake hits these but rather because i want people to see what commonly happens after traumatic events to people and how wtfock in one instance (robbe/sander) misses the mark completely while in another (zoe) it actually sort of works. and how other remakes have dealt with the subject matter.

first off: skam

to start with even’s traumatic experience and his response. i’m starting with even mostly because it’s the original series, not necessarily bc i think it’s the most elegant portrayal (bc it’s definitely not). but in essence, what it does show is the effect of a traumatic event in the long run. even’s experience at bakka, where he kissed one of his friends he had a crush on; who rejected him; even being in a manic episode; resulting in a suicide attempt and his self inforced isolation from his best friends by going to another school and ignoring their messages - it’s touched upon in his initial season but expanded in season 4. and still at least one year later, still even freezes up in fear immediately after seeing his friends. even is incredibly anxious; it’s clear he’s recalling past memories he’s been trying to avoid for forever; he feels immensely guilty (he wants to see elias, he really does, he just doesn’t know how) and even though i think even’s self image is not necessarily the result of this experience, it does have an even more negative effect on his self-image. even has difficulties liking himself, seeing worth in himself, even in season 4. after reconciling w him (however that even went we don’t know) he appears in one of their vlogs and still you can see how uncomfortable it makes him to talk about it. but, this is what it ends on: you see the strength of even reaching out to those he loves and for them being able to reach out to him too. in the end, it’s healing. it is discussed throughout the season.

then, numbers two: druck and skam nl

i’m combining these two in one entry bc i feel like these two portrayals deal with the repercussions of traumatic experiences to the life of these two very well.

first off, we have david, who came out as transgender at a previous school and was met with intense transphobic reactions; deadnaming, invasive personal questions and just generally awful treatment by people - it resulted in david feeling very unsafe, difficulties sleeping and hiding and running away in the hopes of avoiding these situations. it affects his world view of the world as unkind, and him forcing himself to be okay with being alone bc the only one he trusts is himself. he doesn’t let people too close (wanting to stay anonymous) and when matteo breaks up with sarah he runs bc matteo is getting too close. and then, it happens again. he’s outed on social media in his new school, having difficulties even doing his exams bc his teacher is being a transphobic dick and he’s scared of both him and the kids at school. he then, after staying with his godmother, hides himself away at an unsafe, abandoned pool and even staying there for a night.

then, we have liv. earlier in her life, she’s implied to have had an eating disorder - a traumatic experience in itself. and although she seems very aware of her needing to be careful not to fall into those patterns again, it unfortunately does come to the front again when faced with the fact that she’s been sexually assaulted in her sleep and it’s been filmed without consent. as an eating disorder survivor, i’d say her body is already something she might have difficulties with. to combine that with sexual assault.. it results in liv isolating herself at home, resorting to doing her white(!) laundry multiple times in one week and her stress baking cookies only for her to give them to her roommates. her mum even asks her if she’s eating well - for a mother who seems emotionally and physically distant otherwise, liv must’ve not sounded well. even when she seems a little bit better, engel still comes over to check up on liv and cook for her. engel has similar ed experiences so she knows it’s not something that’s just gone one second to the next.

these portrayals work well bc it is clear that their experiences have become a detriment to their view of the world and result in them resorting to very unhealthy coping mechanisms. they both clearly feel the loss of control, the triggering of (past) experiences; the avoidance and the isolation. liv feels immense shame, david feels immense anger and fear - they both have difficulties trusting people, even the ones they care about the most.

but, in the end?

david does let matteo subtly know where he is, bc he knows matteo will see him and find him. matteo calls him even out on it: you are not a damned vampire who needs to hide away, he says - something that david didn’t even see about himself until matteo told him. he finds support in matteo and all of his friends and his sister. he doesn’t need to be alone anymore.

and liv? she tells her friends about her troubles eventually, and they support her wholeheartedly, telling her it’s not her fault and flashing boobs while doing so. liv finds the strength to confront her attacker and blackmailing him, and eventually her boyfriend tells her she needs to go to the police to report his brother.

these are both david’s season-long storyline and liv’s multiple episode storyline (all her clips for the first week after her experience focus solely on this). it’s healing to see this happen to survivors of these experiences.

as a ender: wtfock

i think it’s important to establish first that this is first and foremost about robbe/sander’s gay bashing. robbe and sander have been dating approximately three days when they are violently and verbally assaulted and seemingly left for dead in antwerp’s streets. the next episode makes a point of robbe and sander being hurt badly with bruises and cuts and black eyes, robbe doesn’t sleep much and is irritated quickly and sander has a very weird reaction to violence in general and doesn’t want to go to the police. later, robbe is scared that sander was put off by the idea of going to the police, that he felt forced. within that same first episode, robbe tells milan the true story and zoe a little off story and they react sympathetically, zoe even offering her doctor. robbe’s mum’s psych also refers him to a therapist and he calls her.

but then the storyline, after episode 6? it ends? milan seems to weirdly reference it sometimes but it doesn’t come to any conclusion in the end. after reconciling sander and robbe have no trouble kissing in front of everyone. there’s no sense of robbe or sander having internalised a different world view after this experience. they even never discuss it ever again after that first week. robbe going to a therapist is not even shown or referenced at all, even with the opportunity being there with social media updates. there’s no real repercussions, except for loss of sleep and sander maybe sort of seeing it as a way of destroying something time and again but that’s more his world view bc of his mental illness i’d say. it’s a storyline for one episode, that’s it. and with how irresponsibly they portrayed it by not immediately showing them being alright or together or taken care off but waiting hours for an update, it triggered a hella lot of audience members instead. as a bisexual woman myself, i felt scared watching that.

zoe’s storyline of having to testify even got more of an appropriate portrayal as she’s scared to testify and also feels pushed by the people who love her the most (milan and senne). her breaking up w senne feels more an actual genuine decision bc of messed up feelings about the whole situation (senne being quite... aggressive with how he approaches her about it sometimes.. it felt like he wanted it for himself mostly, not for her). her not being able to sleep and feeling exhausted, months after the actual traumatic experience happened. it has an effect on her and how she responds and how she makes decisions.

conclusion

experiences like these have repercussions. but apparently in belgium only sexual assault results in trauma. gay bashing doesn’t. it had no true purpose except to educate straight people about the plight of lgbt people being attacked violently. but, as people far more eloquent than i have said, why? homophobes will not watch this series and suddenly turn around. and the world is damned if people just don’t realise that beating up people is bad and shouldn’t happen.

the true purpose of skam is to teach people of all kinds, and to show people of a certain minority, community or with same/different life experiences that there is hope, and a lot more to them than just what they have experienced. now even the good portrayals could have all benefitted from telling the audience that it’s good and okay to go to therapy about this... but at least they didn’t shy away from a storyline that shows how deep this runs for people. they devoted time to it.

and that’s all wtfock really needed to do if wanting to make a point by including this. they didn’t. it’s sensational fodder at best. and i think that the characters as well as the audience?

they deserved better than that.

#skam #wtfock #druck #skam nl #skam meta #wtfock meta #druck meta #skam nl meta #mine

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cetologies · 3 years

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i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.

posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.

tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment

i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me

this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years.

i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.

i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.

this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115.

my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous.

my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240.

so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die

i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115.

i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes

and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.

which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.

something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already.

it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.

it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway.

i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.

like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.

#sorry i've been crying all day over the last thing #daelin speaks #body dysmorphia //#tw body dysmorphia #tw body image #body image //#eating disorder //#tw eating disorder #ocd //#tw ocd #tw depression #depression //#tw self harm mention #self harm mention //#tw anxiety #anxiety //#tw suicide #suicide //

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baixueagain · 5 years

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ok venty reflective blog entry time bc I find it helps me get shit off my chest & calm my anxiety.

tl;dr I had a shitty teen friendship that to this day has left me with enduring trauma symptoms lol

at least once a year I find myself reflecting back on one of my closest teenage friendships. towards the beginning it was (at the time) probably the deepest platonic bond I had ever shared with anyone, but over the years things soured until finally it became well and truly toxic and finally ended disastrously. we tried on two occasions to make amends as adults, only for it to crash and burn again because of the baggage.

now toxicity in this case went both ways and I know that I had ownership in what happened. my RSD ass for one was clingy and needy, which was only exacerbated by a very long episode of major clinical depression that started when I was around 16. I could also, like many teen girls, be a real catty little shit at times. I had a hard time with social cues because of my neurodivergence, but I will note that I have always tried extremely hard to listen and respect others when they tell me that I’m doing/saying something which annoys them, hurts them, or otherwise bothers them. thing is, though, you kind of have to tell me if something bothers you, or else I might completely miss out on or misinterpret your reactions. it’s not so much a lack of empathy as just the signals get completely crossed. people send off so many signals that I sometimes can’t sort them out.

as a result I have made a lifelong habit of conscientiously trying to communicate that I am open to hearing feedback and trying to resolve interpersonal problems. I did it back then, too, because this was far from the first time I’d had trouble reading social and emotional signals, or getting them confused.

anyway, that said, what sticks with me about this particular friendship is that as things progressed this friend, let’s call her A, began to treat me not only like a burden, but like a monster, sometimes reacting to me with both fear and hatred. that was the confusing part. she did it in front of others, making it clear how she saw me, and that was the humiliating part. she also had long talks about her problems with me with other people (who were already openly mistreating me due to my neurodivergence), but she rarely ever told me that she had problems with me, even though I pretty much begged her on multiple occasions to tell me what I was doing wrong. that was the painful part.

ever since then I have had the occasional bout of extreme guilt, shame, self-hatred, and anxiety as I wonder if maybe she was right to treat me like that. maybe I was a monster. maybe I had been horribly abusing her and never realised it. maybe my attempts to reason with myself about all this are just the typical excuses abusers make for their behaviour. maybe i’m a monster, or else why would A have treated me like a monster? why else would so many of the other people in our mutual social circle have treated me like a monster? fuck, am I the baddie?

hell, throughout those years, when my other friends and family tried to convince me that A was treating me unfairly, I consistently defended her to them. I told them that they didn’t know A like I did. I told them that I must be doing something wrong. I must deserve the way she was treating me. sometimes, like today, I still find myself in that spiral of anxiety and self-blame.

on days like today, I have to consistently remind myself of the things A did do, making a goddamn list in order to silence the screaming in my brain telling me that I am the sole fuckup:

she downplayed things, dismissed them, and even shamed me when I told her on multiple occasions that some powerful people in our social circle were openly mistreating me and a few other (obviously ND) kids

she confided in these same people about our friendship and took their advice on how to treat me

she basically used me as her free therapist for years, and because I didn’t know better I let her. she meanwhile refused to see a real therapist for some of the very real issues that she had, even though I literally begged her (in tears) to please go to a professional about these things because I couldn’t handle them on my own.

she lied to me. a lot.

she used me to lie for her to others, including to her own parents. I let her, because I thought that’s what loyal friends do.

she frequently treated me like an annoying child in public because of my hyperfixations and other coping mechanisms

she frequently treated me as if symptoms of my illnesses - including literal internal bleeding - were just me trying to manipulate her for attention

years later, A basically admitted to seeing me as a freak who is unable to socialise with “normal” people. she acted as if I were being unreasonable and overreacting when this made me angry.

as I would learn even more years later, she would frequently assign malicious intent to my awkward or unusual (but otherwise innocent) social behaviours. this, it turns out, is why she’d sometimes randomly start treating me with fear, revulsion, or anger, with me being completely clueless as to why. (note: I have other close friendships that started around the same time as my friendship with A and which have endured to this day, and none of those people have ever had very much trouble with talking to me about behaviours that inadvertently upset or bother them)

she continued to do this during both our attempts to make amends. when I finally realised what had been happening and told her how it made me feel during the second attempt, she cut off all communication completely. by this point it had been nearly a full decade of this behaviour from her.

but of course, even when I sit down and write all these things out, the little whisper in my brain still tries to convince me that she could probably make an even longer list for me so I must be the monster she thought I was, right?

then again, while writing, I’ve come to something of a realisation: if a friendship from my teen years has left me with symptoms of emotional trauma that have lasted into my fucking thirties, then maybe I’m not the asshole in all this. maybe my crippled-ass brain is telling me I’m a monster because, during a very important developmental stage of its maturity, someone I loved and trusted repeatedly treated me like I was a monster.

I mean, only like 2-3 years ago, I suddenly had a memory surface of A’s dad yelling at me in public, in front of dozens of people, and then leaving me to have a meltdown/panic attack in front of those same people - all because I tried to ask her why she was (yet again) treating me strangely. I don’t remember what he was yelling about, or why. I can only suppose that she had told him that I’d done something heinous. that, or he just saw that his precious little girl was treating the local freak like a scary monster and decided that it must be for a good reason, because that freak’s a freak.

this occurred a full decade before I actually remembered it for the first time. I even called up my parents to confirm whether it actually happened, or if I was imagining things. it had.

so yeah. I’ve always known that all that business fucked me up. I guess it just fucked me up even more seriously than I’d ever expected.

#long post #personal venting don't mind me #abuse mention #i guess #not sure how else to tag for it

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howllscastle · 5 years

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50 questions tag

tagged by: @pinktea99

tagging: @renjungita @forehead-enthusiast @bitchendery @yanggerm @0hyja @midsummerenjun

hiding all the tea under the cut 🤠

1. what takes up too much of your time?

kpop,, so in turn tumblr and youtube also overthinking ,,, love that

2. what makes your day better?

talking to my friends, little pleasant surprises, when my cat does something cute

3. what’s the best thing that happened to you today?

honestly idk,,, today has blended together into nothingness but my fish just ate his food without being angry at me the whole time so that was nice

4. what fictional place would you like to go to?

hogwarts !!! its so pretty there and it would be so fun to learn all about magic and discover all the little hidden parts of the castle, lay with your friends by the great lake,,, ok i’ll stop now

5. are you good at giving advice?

i think it depends on the advice but i try to help as well as i can

6. do you have a mental illness?

social anxiety 😎 and possibly depression but i’m too scared to go see a therapist

7. have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

no and i’m thankful for that

8. what musician inspires you the most?

tbh taeyong

9. have you ever fallen in love?

with renjun 😍 ok i’m sorry but honestly i think i’ve only experienced rly intense /like/

10. what’s your dream date?

this is like specific but there’s a museum district near me and walking around there would be rly nice,,, just walking through the streets,,, visiting art galleries and museums,,, maybe going to the zoo,,, go into all the cool little stores,,, : (

11. what do others notice about you?

people who have met my dad ALWAYS say how i look like him but otherwise it’s probably my hair ? idk people seem to like curly hair

12. what’s an annoying habit you have?

picking at my lips omfg i need to STOP

13. do you still talk to your first love?

well not Love but yeah hdjdk

14. how many exes do you have?

just one 🤠

15. how many songs are in your playlist?

i have ,, lots of playlists but i have 721 saved songs,,,, more if u count songs in playlists i don’t have saved,,,

16. what instruments can you play?

uH zero but i could play a Mean xylophone in elementary music class

17. what do you have the most pictures of?

kpop idols,,,

18. where would you like to go before you die?

europe !! i want to travel around europe and visit as many countries as i can, also japan ! especially during cherry blossom season !

19. what’s your zodiac?

virgo sun, aqua moon, cap rising

20. do you relate to it?

for the most part i’d day yeah, i still don’t know /that/ much about astrology hdsjkd

21. what is happiness to you?

that feeling of standing in the sun for the first time in a while, feeling all warm inside doing the things that make you smile

22. are you going through anything right now?

hm yeah ,,

23. what’s the worst decision you ever made?

probably,, not putting in the effort to talk to my friends a lot this past year,,,

24. what’s your favorite store?

there’s this one local thrift store near me and uGH it’s amazing i’ve found great stuff there, and also this japanese convenience store called daiso i could spend all day in there

25. what’s your opinion about abortion?

i feel that women should have the choice whether they’re going to have one or not without being attacked by the other side for their decision

26. do you have a bucket list?

not rly djkhj

27. do you have a favorite album?

i have . many favorite albums, some include limitless by nct 127, hozier’s self titled album, and basically all of day6′s albums

28. what do you want for your birthday?

,, money but also i could always use more face masks and stationary

29. what are people’s first impressions of you?

that i never talk like,, ever 💀 which . is relatively true,, until i get to know you and get more comfortable

30. what age do you seem according to most people?

once a cashier asked if i was a freshman in college,,,, surprisingly lots of people think i’m older than i am, tho me and my mom did joke that i probably look like a 12 year old when driving and people might call cps on her ahhjksdhf

31. where do you keep your phone while sleeping?

on my nightstand which is literally like . 1 foot from my face

32. what word do you say the most?

like,, um ,, what ,, so

33. what’s the oldest age you would date?

that’s kinda hard to answer since i’m still so young ,,, but at the moment maybe 19 ??

34. what’s the youngest you would date?

again ,,, kinda hard but at the moment,,, probably 16 but as i get older i’d be more comfortable with a bigger gap

35. what job/career do most people say would suit you?

lot’s of people say artist,, my parents think i’d make a good baker and jokingly they also say lawyer bc i argue so much hjskdh

36. what’s your favorite music genre?

well ,, kpop but that’s like 500 genres all in one,,, i also rly like indie/alternative the occasional pop and pop rock thrown in there

37. if you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

england ! i’ve a l w a y s wanted to live there omg, or italy !

38. what is your current favorite song?

two i’ve been listening to on repeat lately are take off by wayv and lips on lips by tiffany young

39. how long have you had this blog for?

this one,,, only like 3 months but my previous blog was like ,, a few years old

40. what are you excited for?

our up coming vacation(s) !!! one might not happen but the other is and i’m !!! also my mom wants to “do something fun” this week (we were supposed to go on one of those vacations this week sO) and i’m excited for going out and doing ,, whatever it is we come up with

41. are you a better talker or listener?

oh listener definitely, i’m so bad at talking about my feelings out loud

42. what was the last productive thing you did?

i did some laundry,,, also worked on summer school earlier today

43. what do you want for christmas?

same as my birthday but i also just remembered ,, a switch !! i’ve wanted one for so long ,,

44. what class do you get the best grades in?

usually history and german (hallo yangyang,,) also did amazing in bio freshman year let’s hope that carries over to ap bio next year

45. on a scale of 1-10 how do you feel right now?

i’d say ,, a 7 which is wack usually it’s lower

46. what can you see yourself doing in ten years?

hopefully have a good stable job,, a good relationship,,, be healthy mentally and physically ,,,

47. when did you get your first heartbreak?

can losing a friend count as a heartbreak ,,, bc if so ,,, a few years ago

48. at what age do you want to get married?

i have absolutely no idea ahhjksdh

49. what career did you want to have as a child?

i wanted to be a vet soooo badly but now i can barely handle the sight of blood so,,, sorry 8 year old ally

50. what do you crave right now?

honestly ,,, to just go out and do something,,,, i’ve been stuck in the house since friday

#this was so . long .#but i'm like hype rn it was fun typing all this out hdskjh #i rly talk too much i'm sorry #tag game #and feel free to not do this at all

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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The less you know, the better ( TRIXYA ) CH2 - Asada Tycane

A/N : Hey guys! The first chapter sucked because well.. Nothing happens, really. But it was necessary to show the start of it all. I hope the rest will turn out better. Again, this is a fic based on my past relationship/events during my life. Feel free to ask about it. Written out of my own point of view, but as Trixie. ( As I would love to write smut for you all, I don’t really want to in this situation bc of the memories. I will in another fic that I plan on writing. ) Sometimes I change things up a bit to make it more trixya- like. Both cisgirls. I mostly replace names of other people with other queens, but some people in real life are too cruel and I don’t want to make a queen seem like that although it is fiction. So for those people I choose random names. This is a graphic chapter and the next chapters will be, too. I will mention the TW’s for each chapter but there will be a lot of them. Sorry, I guess. Also another apology for my horrible English. Xx Asada Tycane

Trigger warning : Self harm, self harm scars, insults/cursing, bullying, violence, body issues/eating disorder, anxiety & panic attacks, other mental illnesses.

After that warm Saturday in mid-july, Katya and I were together most of the times. I learned that she loved reading and what her favorite books were, so I borrowed one of them. I never had the time to finish it. After a week of being together all the time, Katya went on a holiday with her family for a week to Russia. She always went to Russia because her parents seemed to like it there, well, she didn’t. During that week I had a lot of time to think. I tried to keep myself busy with my makeup, but my thoughts always seemed to go back to Katya.

“Can I ask you something baby?” Katya spoke those words softly, as if she was afraid that I would break. I remember looking up from my phone, catching her staring at me and immediately looking away. “Yes, what’s wrong?” She played with the necklace that she got from her grandmother. As she spoke, our eyes met each other again like it was the first time. “How.. What happened to you?” I raised an eyebrow, pointing out that she had to be clearer. Katya pointed at my legs. I knew what she meant and sighed. “You really want to know?” She nodded.

Spring 2013

“You look disgusting!” All the kids laughed at the comment of a somewhat taller boy called Jeremy. I just walked into the classroom and it started again. “You know, you are really fucking ugly Trixie. I understand why you don’t have friends, who would want to hang out with a bitch like you? Whore!” I walked towards my place in class, trying not to cry but a single tear left my eye. Before I could even sit down, a boy whose name was Steven, pulled me down to the ground. He kicked me in my ribs and I couldn’t help but sob. The whole class stood in a circle around me, all of them laughing at my pathetic appearance. A girl who I used to be friends with just stood there, giggling with the other girls from my class and recorded it with her phone. “Leave me alone.” I tried to get up from the floor, but someone, I wish I knew who, punched me in my face and I fell down again. “Not such a big mouth you slut. You are so fucking fat and we all hate you. And those clothes, where the fuck did you get those? The dumpster?” He ended with another punch in my face, but got interrupted by the teacher that came in.

That night I stood in front of the mirror in only my underwear. I looked at myself in pure disgust. They were probably right. I was ugly, gross and fat. The tears started to roll from my cheeks and I sat down on the cold, hard floor. I pinched at my belly and my thick thighs, wishing I could rip it off. That night, the only thing that brought relieve was pushing a finger down my throat and bringing a blade to my legs.

Katya looked away as I told her where the white lines on my body came from. She didn’t know how to react, I guess. After a while, she spoke. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.. Are you clean now?” She walked towards her own bed so she could sit next to me. “I guess. I mean, it’s been a while and I feel better now, but sometimes I still feel like shit and some days the urge is still there.” The slightly older girl grabbed my hand and gave it a little squeeze. “ I understand babygirl. But I’m here now, okay? I won’ leave you and I won’t treat you like they did..” She shook her head. “Why did I bring this up? This is the last time I can see you before I leave for this stupid holiday, I don’t want to make you sad.” I smiled and pulled her closer to me so she could rest her head on my chest. “It’s okay baby.”

The buzz of my phone pulled me out of my thoughts. It was from Katya.

From : Baby <3

I’m bored here and I miss you. What are you doing?

To : Baby <3

I’m doing nothing, really. Just missing you. <3 How has it been so far?

From : Baby <3

Stupid. My family is fighting the entire time, my brother keeps on insulting me. You know, the usual.

To : Baby <3

I’m sorry.. 3 more days until you’re back home though!!

From : Baby <3

Yeah. Can’t wait.

Her brother, Matt, drove me insane. Every time I saw him he was rude, insulted Katya and made her feel like shit. Mentally and physically. It took her a while to open up about it, because Katya was really introverted and refused to let people in, but eventually she did. She told me about all the times that he called her a pig and that it made her feel fat, although she was as thin as a stick. She told me about him hitting her, about him terrorizing her and her little brother, Caleb. She told me about how her mother barely did a thing about the whole situation and her father even less. She told me that her mother said she couldn’t tell anyone about the things that happened in there.

–

As time passed, Katya and I became really close. Katya started smoking regularly, I hated it, she knew that but didn’t care. We slept together all the time, at her place or at mine. At hers meant I would hear the fights, her brother yelling that he would kill the fucking dog or calling their mother useless. At mine meant peace, and Katya called my home her safe place. In September, school started again and I had a ‘relapse’. My panic attacks started again because of school. One morning, it was like I never made progress. My mother yelling at me “What is so bad about school? We fixed everything last year! There is no reason to have a panic attack now! You’re still going to school, I’m not going to let you stay at home AGAIN.” and Katya didn’t know what to do. “How did this start, Trixie?”

October 2015

I was afraid. Afraid of what? People, going outside of my own house, humiliation, just everything. Why? No idea. The fear took over my body, the negative thoughts screaming at me, it felt like everybody was laughing at me. One morning, I just couldn’t take it. My hands were shaking, I could barely walk, I was dizzy and I could barely walk, but worst of all : I could not breathe. It felt like I was dying. I was crying, hyperventilating and my mother was yelling at me. I couldn’t go to school, so I went to the doctor with my mom later that day. Staying at home was not really a great option, turned out later. The fear only became stronger and I couldn’t leave my house. The pressure of school made me feel horrible, the insults of other people was the only thing I could think about. I isolated myself for almost half a year. I had to go to several therapists and if the waiting list hadn’t been that long, I would’ve ended up in a psychiatry. The first day of going back to school was in April 2016. It was horrible. The principal put me in the classroom with my other classmates while I was having a panic attack. But after that, things got better and I passed all of my classes although I barely showed up to class that year.

I looked up at Katya, afraid for her response. She didn’t say anything. My mom stormed out of the room, she was fed up with my bullshit. So I sat there, sobbing and trying to catch my breath with Katya sitting next to me holding my hand. A little while later Katya let go of my hand and put on her jacket while grabbing her car keys. “Wh-where are you going?” The words that left my mouth were shaky. “I have to go, otherwise I’ll be late. I’m sorry. Good luck today, just go to school. You can do this.” With a little peck on my lips, she left.

#rpdr fanfiction #asada tycane #trixya #the less you know the better #trixie mattel #katya zamolodchikova #fluff #angst #tw self harm #tw self harm scars #tw eating disorder #tw cursing #tw insults #tw violence #tw anxiety #tw bullying #submission

21 notes · View notes

xmasqoo-haineke · 4 years

Text

5th century - 1879 ALCOHOL timeline (White, Kurtz, & Acker).

This first chronology spans the earliest medicalization of excessive drinking through the “discovery” of addiction in America. This discovery occurs during a period that witnessed a dramatic increase in American per capita alcohol consumption and drinking preferences (from fermented to distilled alcohol) as well as a recognition of the addictive powers of opium and morphine. We will also see in this first period the first articulation of a disease concept of alcoholism and the call for the creation of specialized medical institutions for the treatment of the inebriate. Note the early emergence of elements that will become the core of the addiction disease concept: tolerance, withdrawal, progression, loss of control, inability to abstain, and the necessity of total abstinence.

---- Early references to “drink madness” from ancient Egypt and Greece (Crothers, 1893)

5th Century BC Heroditus (fifth century BC) reference to drunkenness as a body and soul sickness

(Crothers, 1893)

4th Century BC Aristotle (384-322 BC) in comparing licentiousness to drunkenness noted that the

former was a functional disorder while the latter resulted from an organic disorder. He viewed licentiousness as permanent but drunkenness curable. (The Cyclopaedia of Temperance and Prohibition, p., 221)

1st Century AD Seneca (4 B.C.-65 A.D.) (Seneca. Epistle LXXXIII: On drunkenness. Classics

of the Alcohol Literature. Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol (1942) 3:302- 307.) ̃ “the word drunken is used in two ways,-in the one case of a man who is loaded with wine and has no control over himself; in the other, of a man who is accustomed to get drunk, and is a slave to the habit...there is a great difference between a man who is drunk and a drunkard.” p. 304

̃ “drunkenness is nothing but a condition of insanity purposely assumed.” p. 306 ̃ “...the vices which liquor generated retain their power even when the liquor is gone.” p. 307

St John Chrysostom-first distinctive comparison of inebriety to other diseases. (Crothers, 1893)

1531 Classics of the Alcohol Literature: A Document of the Reformation Period on Inebriety: Sebastian Franck=s “On the Horrible Vice of Drunkenness.” Quarterly

1563

1576

1592

Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 2(2):391-395 ̃ Refers to intoxication as a “sin that has become a habit.” p. 392. ̃ Franck=s attack is on drunkenness and not on alcohol or drinking; Jellinek notes that this attitude derived from Franck=s religious view that “What God created could not be evil in itself.” p. 395

The Portuguese explorer Garcia da Orta describes opium addiction in India: “...there is a very strong desire for it among those who use it.” Early depiction of craving and compulsion. (Sonnedecker, 1962, p. 281)

German physician-botanist Leonhart Rauwolf, in describing the opium traffic among the Turks, Moors and Persians, notes of opium consumers: “if they leave off somewhat taking it, so that then they feel physically ill.” Early description of narcotic withdrawal. (Sonnedecker, 1962, p. 280)

Classics of the Alcohol Literature: The Observations of the Elizabethan Writer Thomas Nash on Drunkenness. (1943). Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 4(3): 462-469. ̃ Nash=s pened thoughts on “The Eight Kinds of Drunkennesse.”

̃ “All these species, and more, I haue seene practised in one Company at one sitting, when I have beene permitted to remaine sober amongst them...” ̃ NOTE: E.M. Jellinek, who introduced and summarized Nash’s work in the above Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol article, later uses Nash’s term “species” in his own work to separate those types of alcohol problems that warrant designation as a disease.

H. van Linschoten of Holland describes opium use in India: “He that is used to eating it, must eat it daily, otherwise he dies and consumes himself...he that has never eaten it, and will venture to at first to eat as much as those who daily use it, will surely kill him: for I certainly believe it is a kinde of poison.” Early depiction of tolerance. (Sonnedecker, 1962, p. 280)

“...the modern conception of alcohol addiction dates not from the late eighteenth century but from the early seventeenth century at the very least. It is in the religious oratory of Stuart England that we find the key components of the idea that habitual drunkenness constitutes a progressive disease, the chief symptom of which is a loss of control over drinking behavior.” (Warner, 1993)

English Clergyman John Downame refers to drunkards “who addict themselves to this vice.” (Quoted in Warner, 1993, p. 687)

Ward, S. (1622). Woe to Drunkards. London: A Mathewes. ̃ English clergyman refers to drunkard’s “disease” (Cited in Warner, 1993, p. 688)

1592

17th Century

1609 1622

1655 Physician Acosta (Portugal) notes difficulties experienced by those trying to discontinue opium use--early anticipation of concept of addiction.

1673 Increase Mather, minister of the Old North Church, in his sermon, “Woe to Drunkards” declares: “Drink in itself is a good creature of God...and to be received with thankfulness, but the abuse of drink is from Satan; the wine is from God, but the drunkard is from the Devil.” (Lender, 1973, p. 353)

1675 English minister Richard Garbutt describes tolerance and progression: ̃ “The greatest Drunkard, what commonly was he at first, but only a frequent needless Drinker? At first he did but sip it, and afterwards he turned to sup, and now he swoops it.” (Quoted in Warner, 1993, p. 687)

1680 Scrivener, M. (1680). A Treatise against Drunkenness: Described in its Natures, Kindes, Effects and Causes, Especially that of Drinking of Healths. London: Printed for Charles Brown. ̃ Refers to England’s “Epidemical Disease of Drunkenness” (Cited in Warner, 1993, p. 688)

1682 Stockton, O. (1682). A Warning to Drunkards Delivered in Several Sermons to a Congregation in Colchester upon the Occasion of a Sad Providence towards a Young Man, Dying in the Act of Drunkenness. London: J.R. English clergyman Owen Stockton’s Warning to Drunkards posthumously published:

̃ “Drunkenness is an enticing, bewitching sin, which is very hardly left by those addicted to it.” (Quoted in Warner, 1993, p. 687)

1700 In The Mysteries of Opium Reveal’d, English physician John Jones describes the opiate withdrawal syndrome and dependence, saying that “the effects of sudden leaving off the uses of opium after a long and lavish use therefore [were] great and even intolerable distresses, anxieties and depressions of spirit, which commonly end in a most miserable death, attended with strange agonies, unless men return to the use of opium; which soon raises them again, and certainly restores them.” (Acker) Jones concluded his depiction of addiction with the observation that “the mischief is not really in the drug but in people,” but does note that the addict eventually loses volitional control of his habit. (Sonnedecker, 1962, p. 283-284)

1747 French philosopher Condillac refers to inebriety as a disease and calls for state sponsored treatment. (Crothers, 1893)

1772 Benjamin Rush calls for the abandonment of distilled spirits and the substitution of cider, beer, wine and non-alcoholic drinks in his “Sermons to Gentlemen Upon Temperance and Exercise.” (Wilkerson, 1966, p. 42)

1774

Anthony Benezet’s Mighty Destroyer Displayed is published. Includes what is perhaps the first American reference to alcohol addiction: “The unhappy dram- drinkers are so absolutely bound in slavery to these infernal spirits, that they seem to have lost the power of delivering themselves from this worst of bondages.”

̃ Notes progression: “Drops beget drams, and drams beget more drams, till they become to be without weight or measure.” ̃ Refers to alcohol as a “bewitching poison.” ̃ Refers to “grievous abuse of rum,” the “abuse of spiritous liquors,” and “people may abuse themselves thro’ excess.” (Benezet, 1774)

Benjamin Rush (1746-1813). Inquiry into the Effects of Ardent Spirits on the Human Mind and Body is published. Reprinted in Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 4:321-341 (1943). ̃ Rush refers to intemperance as “this odious disease...” (p. 5) and notes the progressive development of intemperance. ̃ “...drunkenness resembles certain hereditary, family and contagious diseases.” p. 8 ̃ Rush notes that the hereditary quality of intemperance should lead one to be cautious in one’s matrimonial matches to avoid the risk of inebriate children. p. 8 ̃ Rush presents neither a fully articulated disease concept nor a treatment protocol that flows out of this concept.

First American temperance society organized in Litchfield, CT.

Rush, B. Plan for an Asylum for Drunkards to be Called the Sober House (1810). In: The Commonplace Book of Benjamin Rush, 1792-1813, In: The Autobiography of Benjamin Rush (1948) Edited by Corner, G.W. Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, pp. 354-355.

̃ Rush calls for creation of a special hospital for inebriates (“Sober House”)

The British observer Samuel Crumpe compares opium use in Turkey and the Levant to use of wine and liquor in Europe; he says in these countries opium serves as “the support of the coward, the solace of the wretched, and the daily source of intoxication to the debauchee.” This view, which also takes hold in the U.S., stresses the exotic nature of the drug and its users and ascribes addiction as a problem of the less civilized. (Morgan) (Acker)

Opium as a form of stimulant is a common theme for the theses medical students must write to graduate from America’s few medical schools. An example is John Augustine Smith’s “Inaugural Dissertation on Opium Embracing its History, Chemical Analysis, and Use and Abuse as a Medicine,” submitted to the faculty of the College of Physicians and Surgeons, University of the State of New York, in 1832. (Acker)

1784

1789 1790

1793

late 18th/early 19th century

1803 Wilson, D. (1803). An Inaugural Dissertation on the Morbid Effects of Opium on the Human Body. In: Grob, G., Ed., Origins of Medical Attitudes Toward Drug Addiction in America. New York: Arno Press. ̃ Includes cases of the “habitual use of opium” including one submitted by Rush, p. 30

1803 Scott, Franklin (1803). Experiments and Observations on the Means of Counteracting the Deleterious Effects of Opium and on the Method of Cure of the Disease Resulting Therefrom. In: Grob, G., Ed., Origins of Medical Attitudes Toward Drug Addiction in America. New York: Arno Press. ̃ Refers to opium overdose as a disease. p. 40 ̃ Refers to those “habituated to its (opium) use.” p. 45 ̃ Withdrawal: “...among those who have been in the habit of eating opium, if they are at any time deprived of the usual dose, they are rendered miserable...” p. 46

1803 Serteurner isolates and describes morphine. This, the first isolation of an alkaloid from a plant, is a key moment in the emergence of modern pharmacology, one focus of which will be the production of new drugs. Though created as medicines, some of these will be used recreationally and will be associated with problems of dependence. Later the Progressive Era concerns about opiate and cocaine use follow closely on the introduction and widespread sales of such compounds as morphine, cocaine, heroin, veronal, and aspirin. (Goodman & Gilman) (Acker)

1804 Trotter, T. (1804). Essay, Medical Philosophical, and Chemical, on Drunkenness and its Effects on the Human Body. London: Longman, Hurst, Rees, and Orme. ̃ Trotter, an Edinburgh physician, publishes his essay on drunkenness in which he sets forth the proposition that the habit of drunkenness is a “disease of the mind.”

̃ “In medical language, I consider drunkenness, strictly speaking, to be a disease produced by a remote cause in giving birth to actions and movements in a living body that disorders the function of health.” ̃ “The habit of drunkenness is a disease of the mind.”

̃ Recommends regular meetings between physician and patient to formulate and implement a sobriety plan--references to gaining confidence of patient, etc. reflect a type of medical psychotherapy. ̃ Published in U.S. in 1813.

̃ Introduced with excerpts in Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 2(3):584- 591 December, 1941.

1811 A temperance society in Fairfield, Connecticut calls for total abstinence, acknowledging that this is a harsh remedy, “but the nature of the disease absolutely requires it.” (White, 1998, p. 3)

1812-1813 Delirium tremens recognized and medically described by Lettsom, Armstrong, Pearson and then named by Thomas Sutton. (Wilkerson, 1966, p.64)

1815 Reason=s Plea for Temperance (1815). (New England Tract Society, Volume 3). Andover: Flagg and Gould.

̃ “To attempt to reform a confirmed drunkard is much the same, as preaching to a madman or idiot.”

1819 Christopher Wilhelm Hufeland coins the term dipsomania to describe the uncontrollable cravings for spirits that triggers “drink storms.”

1820 Bound, J.J. (1820). The Means of Curing and Preventing Intemperance. New York: Charles N. Baldwin & Chamber. (Quoted in Brent, 1996) ̃ Intemperance is “considered a vice, treated with ridicule and contempt...people do not dream of it being a disorder, or think it to be within the reach of medicine.” p. 3-4

1822 Thomas De Quincey publishes Confessions of an English Opium-Eater. This work and Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s poem “Xanadu” launch the Romantic image of the aristocratic, bohemian opium user. (Acker)

1822 John Eberle characterizes opiate withdrawal: “When the system is entirely free from the influence of the accustomed stimulant, torments of the most distressing kind are experienced.” This is an early statement of the position that opiate withdrawal is a uniquely harrowing physical and mental experience. (Morgan) (Acker)

1825 Lyman Beecher delivers his Six Sermons on the Nature, Occasion, Signs, and Remedy of Intemperance. (Published 2 years later)

̃ Refers to the intemperate as being “addicted to the sin,” “the evil habit” ̃ Refers to “insatiable desire for drink”, “inordinate and dangerous love of strong drink” ̃ Progression: “...he will hasten on to ruin with accelerated movement”

̃ “Intemperance is a disease as well as a crime, and were any other disease, as contagious, of as marked symptoms, and as mortal, to pervade the land, it would create universal consternation: for the plague is scarcely more contagious or more deadly; and yet we mingle fearlessly with the diseased, and in spite of admonition we bring into our dwellings the contagion, apply it to our lip, and receive it into the system.” p. 37

̃ Excessive drinking marks “...the beginning of a habit, which cannot fail to generate disease.” p. 39 ̃ “There is no remedy for intemperance but the cessation of it.” p. 43 ̃ Amazingly modern checklist of warning signs. Pp. 44-45

1826 American Temperance Society formed - first national temperance organization. 9

1828 Drake, Daniel (1828). A Discourse on Intemperance. In: Grob, G. (1981) Nineteenth Century Medical Attitudes Toward Alcohol Addiction. New York: Arno Press. ̃ References to “habitual drinking;” “Thus, by repetition we are made to relish equally the savor and the effects of ardent spirits; and, at last become drunkards, from taste as well as constitution.” p. 24

̃ Refers to intemperance as a “vice” and notes that “vices are gregarious...go in flocks.” Intemperance, gambling, profanity ̃ Lists causes of intemperance as: 1) habitual drinking, 2) use of alcohol in business, 3) gambling, 4) use of alcohol in the trades, 5) smoking ASegars@ (“...tobacco disturbs the nervous systems of most young persons to such a degree, that the stimulus of ardent spirits is, in some measure, necessary to sustain or restore them.” (p. 31), 6) matrimonial unhappiness, 7) the multiplication of drinking establishments, and 8) the growth of small distilleries.

̃ “The disorders of body produced by habitual intemperance, are various in different persons, and at different periods of life.” p. 39 -- Lists them in following categories: 1) Stomach, 2) Liver, 3) Lungs, 4) Dropsy, 5) Gout, 6) Sore Eyes, 7) Firey eruption of the nose and skin, 8) Leprosy, 9) Muscular weakness, 10) Epileptic convulsions, 11) Apoplexy, 12) Spontaneous combustion, and 13) Bad habit of the body (lowered immunity to disease). ̃ “...the habit being once established, he will not, I almost say cannot, refrain.” p. 54

1828 Sweetser, William (1828). A Dissertation on Intemperance. In: Grob, G. (1981) Nineteenth Century Medical Attitudes toward Alcohol Addiction. New York: Arno Press. ̃ “...a course of unnatural stimulation cannot long continue operative on the living economy without inducing some morbid alteration in some of the vital tissues, and a consequent derangement in the function of the organ or organs, whose structures become thus affected.” p. 8

̃ “We are born with, inherit from our parents, or acquire from accidental circumstances after birth, different conditions of physical structure, some peculiarities in the life of the tissues, which cause them to take on with great facility particular modes of diseased action, and which constitute what we commonly denominate predispositions.” p. 10

̃ “...it is not an easy matter to set limits to the diseases of intemperance; for though its influence is unquestionably exercised on some tissues with more facility than others, yet it is specially confined to none....there is hardly any vital structure, but intemperance may either directly or indirectly injure.” p. 11

̃ Does not use term disease for intemperance but talks about “observed deviations from healthy structure, and natural function” that have a close relationship with the habitual use of distilled spirits. The man “addicted to intemperance” experiences altered susceptibility to various diseases and his altered state “establishes a new set of morbid predispositions.” p. 12

̃ “...the intemperate are liable to almost all those obscure and varying complaints which ignorance has caused us to generalize under the unmeaning name of nervous disorders.” p. 43 ̃ Refers to the “habit of intemperance” but describes its hold: “Few habits enthrall by so potent a spell the voluntary and reasoning powers of man and so enslave his moral faculties as that of intemperance, and few are there for, whose shackles we less frequently become delivered.” p. 83 ̃ “They now say they must drink...The Poison must now be used as an antidote to the poison.” p. 84 ̃ “Now that it (intemperance) becomes a disease no one doubts, but then it is a disease produced and maintained by voluntary acts, which is a very different thing from a disease with which providence inflicts us.” p. 97 ̃ “And I feel convinced that should the opinion ever prevail that intemperance is a disease like fever, mania, etc., and no moral turpitude be affixed to it, drunkenness, if possible, will spread itself even to a more alarming extent than at present.” p. 98

1828 Dr. Eli Todd, superintendent of the Hartford Retreat for the insane, urges that an inebriate asylum be established under the direction of an enlightened physician.

1828 Kain, J.H. (1828). On Intemperance Considered as a Disease and Susceptible of Cure. American Journal of Medical Science, 2:291-295

̃ Refers to the “depraved appetite which bids defiance to all moral restraint, and impels the unhappy sufferer to the gratification of a propensity which increases with this disease...” p. 291 ̃ “In every temperate man, there is an immutable association in his mind between stimulating liquors and the relief they afford to all unpleasant sensation which I have described as forming his disease...To cure him, we must break up this association and convince him, by actual sensations that his remedy has lost its effect.” p. 293

̃ Refers to Rush’s use of an emetic in cure of a drunkard and further references a product--Chamber’s remedy for intemperance--sold as a cure for drunkenness that contains emetic tartar. ̃ Cites a maxim in medicine: “Chronic diseases require chronic cures.” p. 295

1829 Beman, N.S. (1829). Beman on Intemperance (rev. Stereotype ed.). New York: John P. Haven. (Cited in Hore, 1991; Dean & Poremba, 1983) ̃ “When the case is formed and the habit established no man is his own master.” pp. 6-7

1830-1840 Experiments and clinical observations by Prout, Beaumont, and Percy document the pathophysiology of alcohol on the stomach and blood. (Wilkerson, 1966, p. 98)

1830-1850 The social ideology of the new nation is marked by a “cult of curability.” 11

Inebriate asylums grow from the same confidence that births other reform institutions-prisons, insane asylums, orphanages. (Tyler, 1944, “Freedom’s Ferment”)

1830 Influenced by Todd, the Connecticut State Medical Society calls for creation of inebriate asylums.

1831 Dr. Samuel Woodward, Superintendent at the hospital for the insane at Worcester, MA writes a series of essays that are published in 1836 and again in 1838. “A large proportion of the intemperate in a well-conducted institution would be radically cured, and would again go into society with health reestablished, diseased appetites removed, with principles of temperance well grounded and thoroughly understood, so that they would be afterwards safe and sober men.”

̃ “...intemperance is too much of a physical disease to be cured by moral means only.” p. 2 ̃ “Intemperance is disease.” p. 19 ̃ Intemperance a product of “morbid appetite.” p. 21

̃ Reference to “mind and body diseased and debased by this practice.” p. 23 ̃ “The disease [of intemperance] may be hereditary, and thus liable to return...So it is with other diseases; one attack increases the susceptibility of the system to the second.” p. 8

̃ “The grand secret of the cure for intemperance is total abstinence from alcohol in all its forms.” p. 8 ̃ Woodward believed that any criminality involved in inebriety was in the use and moderate use of spirits when “the individual is a free agent...” p. 1

̃ “But intemperance can never be cured, if the practice of moderate drinking is persisted in; the only hope is total abstinence. No substitute is admissible: wine, ale, opium, peppermint, must be wholly prohibited, or the appetite will not be removed.” p. 10. This is change in Rush’s position of advocating substitution of cider, ale, wine and opium for distilled spirits.

1832 Smith, W. (1832). An Inaugural Dissertation on Opium, Embracing Its History, General Chemical Analysis and Use and Abuse as a Medicine. In: Grob, G., Ed., Origins of Medical Attitudes Toward Drug Addiction in America. New York: Arno Press.

̃ “Opium should never be used as a substitute for the ordinary stimulus of wine or spirits: for when it is thus used, it seldom fails to lay the foundation for a long train of morbid symptoms, which, sooner or later, terminate in all the wretchedness, which disease is capable of inflicting...” p. 21

1832 Springwater, Doctor (1832). The Cold-Water-Man. Albany: Packard and Van Benthuysen.

̃ “...the use of ardent spirits produces a disease of the stomach, which goes with the drunkard to his grave. His craving, insatiable appetite, unnatural in its production, as well as its demands, deranges and racks the system...To sustain the

vigor of this disease, it must be fed with such an aliment if at first denied, the desire for it increases to such a degree, as to deprive its unhappy victim almost to desperation.” p. 17 ̃ “Entire abstinence from all alcoholic drinks does not cure the disease called into existence by the ordinary use, in any quantity of ardent spirits. It only leaves it in a dormant state...Let those who have been once overcome by this deadly foe, never suffer it again to enter their system.” p. 17-18 ̃ “He (the drunkard) stalks about like a moral pestilence, scattering his vile contagion with every breath. He is a walking plague, a living death. He caters for hell. He recruits for the devil. Oh! What a deadly damp does he breathe on his country, creating a poisonous influence, and scattering a moral and physical pestilence upon its shores!” p. 24 ̃ Refers to the drunkard as a “voluntary slave to his cups.” p. 26 ̃ “To use ardent spirits as a beverage, in any quantity, is to prepare ourselves to become food for the monster intemperance. It watches the moderate drinker, ready every moment to make him its prey.” p. 94 ̃ All, with one voice, are ready to exclaim, “Slay the monster intemperance. Its crimes are written in blood. It deserves to die...yet many cherish the monster in their bosom; many feed it with their children’s bread...The monster intemperance will never die for thirst while fed with a little alcohol.” p. 99 ̃ “ ‘Let all drunkards abstain entirely,’ says another, ‘and this will arrest the progress of intemperance.’ Could this be done, it would not banish intemperance from the earth. In a single year, more than 30,000 moderate drinkers would step forward to fill up the vacated ranks of drunkenness.” p. 100 ̃ “The monster intemperance can be slain by the single blow of entire abstinence.” p. 103 ̃ “The system therefore of him who gets drunk on alcohol, is deranged and thrown into a diseased state...” p. 147 ̃ “As to the appetite for alcohol or the disease of drunkenness, distilled liquor and that only, will usually produce it. It is therefore evident that, though to become intoxicated on any article, is an exceeding aggravated evil, yet to become intoxicated on ardent spirits, injures the drunkard and the community much more than to become intoxicated on fermented liquors, and it is therefore the greater evil.” p. 147-148 ̃ “You say, ‘Let the drunkards join temperance societies,’ Do you think these associations are good and useful? When or where did you ever hear of drunkards associating together for any good object?” ̃ Section on “Reformation of the Drunkard” that begins with a case study of a drunkard reformed by joining a local temperance society. p. 298

1833 Secretary of War, Lewis Cass. (Speech printed in American Quarterly Temperance Magazine, 2:121-125).

̃ Intemperance is so “overpowering that it assumes “entire mastery” over the individual.”

1833 Sigorney, L. and Smith, G. (1833). The Intemperate and the Reformed. Boston: Seth Bliss.

̃ Reference to “fetters which bind them down to tyrant appetite.” p. 5 ̃ Growing awareness of morbidity and mortality-references to the distillery and the tavern as “fountains of disease and death.” p. 6 ̃ Growing use of disease analogy even where disease isn’t directly applied to intemperance. “There was hope for our friend, if the yellow fever or even the plague was upon him; but none if he became a drunkard.” p. 24 ̃ Growing recognition of progression: “the gradations of moderate drinking, of tippling, and of hard drinking have been observable in this case, as in the cases of most drunkards.” p. 27 ̃ “Was for a long time a moderate daily drinker--next a tippler--and thence, by quick march, a full grown drunkard.” p. 31 ̃ Case studies of 38 reformed drunkard presented; most attribute cures to religion or involvement with the local temperance society. ̃ Fly in spider web metaphor use to describe the drunkard’s entrapment. p. 27 (Note growing pervasiveness of slavery and entrapment metaphors)

1835 Macnish’s Anatomy of Drunkenness offers a typology of seven types of drunkards: the sanguineous drunkard, the melancholy drunkard, the surly drunkard, the phlegmatic drunkard, the nervous drunkard, the choleric drunkard and the periodic drunkard.

̃ “Some are drunkards by choice, and some by necessity.”

1838 In France, Esquirol calls the disease of intemperance a “monomania of drunkenness a mental illness whose principle character is an irresistible tendency toward fermented beverages.” (Paredes, 1976, p. 22)

1840 Grinrod, R.B. (MD) (1838). Bacchus. ̃ “I am more than ever convinced that...drunkenness is a disease, physical as well as moral, and consequently requires physical as well as moral remedies.” Quoted in Hargreaves, 1884, p. 278

1842 A Member of the Society. (1842). The Foundation, Progress and Principles of the Washingtonian Temperance Society of Baltimore, and the Influence it has had on the Temperance Movements in the United States. Baltimore: John D. Toy. ̃ “He [the drunkard] knows and feels that drunkenness with him is rather a disease than a vice.” p. 40 (Italics in original)

1842 Nicolay, J.G. and Hay, J. Eds. Complete Works of Abraham Lincoln. New York: Lamb Publishing Company, Vol. 1, pp193-209.

Address Before the Springfield Washington Temperance Society, February 22, 1842. ̃ “...those who have suffered by intemperance personally, and have reformed, are the most powerful and efficient instruments to push the reformation to

ultimate success...” ̃ “In my judgment such of us as have never fallen victims (to intemperance) have been spared more by the absence of appetite than from any mental or moral superiority over those who have.”

1842 Glasgow physician Hutcheson notes that the essence of dipsomania is “the irresistible impulse which drives the unhappy being to do that which he knows to be pernicious and wrong, and which, in the intervals of the paroxysms, he views with loathing and disgust.” (quoted in Carpenter, 1853)

1849 Swedish physician Magnus Huss introduces term “alcoholism” in his text, Chronic Alcoholism ; it does not appear in the US until after the Civil War. Huss notes: “These symptoms are formed in such a particular way that they form a disease group in themselves and thus merit being designated and described as a definite disease...It is this group of symptoms which I wish to designate by the name Alcoholismus chronicus.” (quoted in Marconi, 1959) ̃ “The name chronic alcoholism applies to the collective symptoms of a disordered condition of the mental, motor, and sensory functions of the nervous system...affecting individuals who have persisted in the abuse of alcoholic liquors.” (quoted in Marcet, 1868, p. 21) ̃ Huss term focuses on the biological consequences of prolonged heavy drinking.

1849 Hills, R. (1849). On the Pathology and Medication of Intemperance as a Disease. Proc. Med. Conv., Ohio, pp. 15-20

1850 Allen, Nathan (1850). An Essay on the Opium Trade. In: Grob, G., Ed., Origins of Medical Attitudes Toward Drug Addiction in America. New York: Arno Press. ̃ “There is no slavery on earth, to be compared to with the bondage into which Opium casts its victims. There is scarcely one known instance of escape from its toils, when once they have fairly enveloped a man.” p. 25

̃ “It is not the man who eats Opium, but it is Opium that eats the man.” p. 25

1853 The hypodermic syringe is developed as a refinement of the use of cannulae to introduce drugs beneath the skin. Morphine is one of the first drugs for which the syringe is commonly used, to treat such conditions as facial neuralgia. (Acker)

1857 Washingtonian Home in Boston. The terms “disease” and “vice,” “cure” and “reformation” were used interchangeably and sober outcomes were attributed to the influences of family, friends, and the fellowship, not to medical intervention.

1857 Fitzhugh Ludlow publishes The Hasheesh Eater, an American work in the genre pioneered by De Quincey and Coleridge. He writes of opiates, “The emasculation of the will itself, ...is in reality the most terrible characteristic of the injury

wrought by these agents.” The idea that opiates debase the will and sap the capacity for moral action becomes the foundation of the view that addiction is a moral vice rather than an illness. (Morgan) (Acker)

1857 Dr. James Turner in an address to the Board of Directors of the New York State Inebriate Asylum:

̃ “Inebriety is the first disease of which we have any record.” p16

1860 Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., dean of Harvard Medical School, blames physicians for causing opiate addiction through careless prescribing. He characterizes the problem as especially serious in the Western states where, he says, “the constant prescription of opiates by certain physicians...has rendered the habitual use of that drug in that region very prevalent... A frightful endemic demoralization betrays itself in the frequency with which the haggard features and drooping shoulders of the opium drunkards are met with in the street.” By claiming the problem lies with Western physicians who were likely trained in proprietary medical schools rather than with elite Eastern physicians like himself, Holmes’s statement reflects growing tensions and rivalries within the medical profession in nineteenth- century America. (Acker)

1860 Peddie, A. (1860). Dipsomania: A Proper Subject for Legal Provision.

Transactions of the National Association for the Promotion of Social Science,

538-546. ̃ Peddie calls for legal commitment of dipsomaniacs to inebriate asylums. He distinguished between common drunkards whose excessive drinking was a vice and the “insane drinker” whose vice had been transformed into a disease no longer under his volitional control. He believed this disease could be inherited or acquired. p. 539-40 ̃ Peddie suggested that dipsomaniacs suffered from a disease of the brain.

1861-1865 The use of opium and morphine in the treatment of disease and injury is widespread during the Civil War and the use of the hypodermic syringe becomes more widespread by the end of the War. While opium addiction will in later years become labeled the “soldier’s disease” because of such use, there are very few accounts of soldiers addicted during the war, but both disease and injury create a large vulnerable population in the post-civil war patent medicine era.

The Combined Addiction Disease Chronologies of William White, MA, Ernest Kurtz, PhD, and Caroline Acker, PhD 1864 - 1879

The years 1864-1879 mark the birth of the nation’s first inebriate homes and asylums and their beginning professionalization via the American Association for the Cure of Inebriety (AACI). Although the AACI=s first founding principle is the proclamation that inebriety is a disease, there is some disagreement within the association on this very point (See Harris, 1874).

Papers from the annual AACI meetings and, after 1876, the Journal of Inebriety, mark the beginning of a deluge of literature propounding various disease conceptualizations of addiction. The period witnesses growing concern with opiate morphine addiction and the first incorporation of drugs other than alcohol within the emerging disease concept of inebriety. The founding of the Keeley Institutes marks the beginning of private addiction cure institutes (many of them franchised in multiple locations) who will use a disease concept of addiction both as a clinical philosophy and a marketing strategy. New breakthroughs in microbiology lead to discoveries of the causes of many diseases (from anthrax to syphilis) and spawn many theories about the biological causes of addiction.

1864 Dr. James Turner, after years of agitating that inebriety is a disease that should be medically treated, opens America’s first inebriate asylum in Binghamton, NY.

1864 Edward Parrish, in his A Treatise on Pharmacy (Philadelphia, p. 172) notes how citizens who would not abuse alcohol take opium until “they become victims to one of the worst habits.”

1864 The first case of morphine addiction involving the use of the hypodermic syringe is reported. (Pettey, 1913, p. 2)

1864 Moore, G. (1864). The Desire for Intoxicating Liquors, A Disease: Its Causes, Its Effects, and Its Cure, with the Danger of a Relapse. Baltimore.

1866 Keller (1975). “It is to the French physician, Gabriel, that we owe the simple and quite adequate term alcoholism, in its correct modern sense, and even the first direct consideration of it as a public health problem.” Gabriel’s 1866 doctoral thesis was entitled (translated) Essay on Alcoholism, Considered Principally from the Viewpoint of Public Hygiene.

1867 Ludlow, F. (1867). What Shall They Do to Be Saved? Harper’s Magazine 35(August): 377-387.

̃ “Now, such a man (opium addict) is a proper subject, not for reproof, but for medical treatment. The problem of this case need embarrass nobody. It is as purely physical as one of small-pox. When this truth is as widely understood among the laity as it is known by physicians, some progress may be made in staying the frightful ravages of opium among the present generation.” p. 379

̃ References to “opium disease” throughout the article

1867 Day, Albert (1867). Methomania: A Treatise on Alcoholic Poisoning. Boston: James Campbell. In: Grob, G. (1981). Nineteenth Century Medical Attitudes Toward Alcohol Addiction. New York: Arno Press. ̃ “I have selected this title as an appropriate general name for that disease which, in its several forms or stages of development, is variously termed Drunkenness, Inebriety, Dipsomania, Methexia....” p. 5 (Original)

̃ “...that disease which I have ventured to call Methomania, with its varied and 17

complex character, and involving as it does abnormal conditions of both mind and body, must demand of the faithful physician all his resources of physiological and psychological science.” p. 43 ̃ “Let it be remembered, that such a man is diseased, and that he is fighting not against temptation only, but against temptation fostered by the morbid elements of his own physical and mental nature.” p. 49-50

1868 Marcet, W. (MD) (1868). On Chronic Alcoholic Intoxication. New York: Moorhead, Simpson, & Bond, Publishers.

̃ Chapter entitled, “Chronic Alcoholism” ̃ “With respect to the use of alcoholic stimulants, if the patient has completely given them up for some time, and entirely lost his taste for liquor, I have been in the habit of recommending about a pint of bitter beer daily.” p. 76; also recommended tea and coffee as substitutes.

1868 Report of a Joint Special Committee Appointed to Consider the Matter of Inebriation as a Disease, and the Expediency of Treating the Same at Rainsford Island. (1868). Boston: Wright, & Potter, State Printers. ̃ Governor Andrew, addressing the Legislature of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts in 1863: “I most respectfully, but urgently advise that the Legislature initiate measures to establish an asylum for the treatment of inebriates. Drunkenness is a disease as well as a sin. We have long since legislated for its punishment; let us no longer neglect to legislate for its cure.” p.2 ̃ “...the continued use of alcoholic drinks produces a disease, peculiar and distinct from all other disease; having a distinct pathology, and presenting post mortem appearances unlike those of any other disease, being as characteristic as those of typhoid fever or pneumonia.” p. 4

1870 Sir Thomas Clifford Allbutt of Cambridge expresses his alarm at so few warnings about the hypodermic injection of morphine. (Sonnedecker, 1962, p. 28)

1870 John Gough: “Drunkenness is a mysterious disease, and the power of the appetite on a nervous susceptible organization is almost absolute, and there is no remedy but total abstinence-total and entire. You cannot make a moderate drinker of a drunkard.” Crowley, 1999, p. 155

1870 Annual Report of the Board of Commissioners of Charities and Correction (Quoted in Hargreaves, 1884, p. 276)

̃ “Habitual drunkenness is a moral disease (also physical), for which, as in other forms of licentiousness, there is no specific, except the resolute determination of the patient.” ̃ “Those addicted to drunkenness are in general too infirm, in purpose to persist in their resolution of amendment, and this infirmity of purpose is one of the sad consequences of this vice.” p. 278

1870 An association of inebriate homes and asylums, the American Association for the Cure of Inebriety, is founded on the principle: “inebriety is a disease.” The Association bylaws posit that:

1. Intemperance is a disease. 2. It is curable in the same sense that other diseases are. 3. Its primary cause is a constitutional susceptibility to the alcoholic impression. 4. This constitutional tendency may be either inherited or acquired. (Proceedings, 1870-1875)

The legacy of the inebriate asylum movement is a biologically based approach to understanding addiction, the corollary claim that addiction is the special province of medicine, the notion that successful treatment requires legal coercion, and the assertion that treatment is both a responsibility of government and a commodity to be sold on the private market.

The inebriate asylum period distinguishes between “treatment” -- alleviation of acute intoxication, the medical management of withdrawal and care of acute medical problems, and “cure” -- the elimination of the morbid craving for the drug. The later rediscovery of this distinction by Jolliffe will mark the beginning of the modern alcoholism movement.

1870 Dodge AACI paper ̃ “May we hope the day is not far distant when this disease (which is now universally acknowledge to be a disease by the profession), will be thoroughly investigated, and firmly established on a scientific foundation, and a treatment adopted that will place it in the list of diseases, that are quite as well understood, and as successfully treated as insanity or typhoid fever.” (Proceedings, p. 52) ̃ “At the present day the principal remedy prescribed for this disease is abstinence-TOTAL ABSTINENCE is the heroic remedy in all cases of inebriety.” (Proceedings, p. 52)

1870 Albert Day AACI Paper ̃ “One of the earliest results of the establishment of these Asylums, was the discovery, after treatment of a very few cases, that inebriety was a disease rather than a vice...” (Proceedings, p. 65)

1870 AACI Minutes ̃ Definition of hereditary: “...some persons are born with temperaments and tendencies, which predispose them to seek such exaltation or relief, as is obtained from alcoholic stimulants.” (Proceedings, p. 27) ̃ “the diseased portion of the mind in such cases (inebriety) is chiefly of the will, not the intellect.” p. 37 (Italics in original)

1870s forward Physiological study of effects of morphine administration, including animal

studies, is carried out in American and European laboratories. Doses, duration of action, and route of administration are correlated with physiological effects such as respiratory depression. Warnings about addictiveness of morphine and a shifting cluster of other drugs begin to be common in the medical literature. (Acker)

1870s-90s Physicians prescribe morphine for wide ranging indications, reflecting the range of morphine’s physiological actions and prevailing ideas about disease. Morphine is known to relieve pain, promote sleep, ease anxiety, combat diarrhea, reduce coughing. Humoral models of disease favor medications with a broad range of systemic effects. In the competitive American medical scene, “regular” physicians distinguish themselves by prescribing drugs, like morphine, which produce clear physiological effects. As all medications are available for purchase without prescription, people medicate themselves to relieve symptoms, according to popular notions of disease. Examples: Women take morphine to relieve menstrual cramps, and mothers teach their daughters to do this. Women take morphine to ease the anxieties and pressures connected with their social roles. (Rosenberg; Acker, “Anodyne”; Courtwright) (Acker)

1871 Physician J. H. Etheridge warns of the chloral hydrate habit. (Morgan) (Acker)

1871 George M. Beard estimates there are 150,000 opiate addicts in the U.S. Beard becomes famous for elaborating the concept of neurasthenia, a condition he believes to afflict those engaged in the complex mental tasks associated with an urbanizing and industrializing civilization of growing complexity. He remains the chief exponent of the view that higher types bear a special susceptibility to nervous conditions, including addiction. This idea contrasts with (a) an increasingly common tendency in the U.S. to associate opiate use with stigmatized groups and (b) a view of addiction disease as occurring independently of individuals’ social status or character. (Morgan) (Acker)

1871 AACI issues statement that the morals of the inebriate--their presence or absence- -are not relevant to the fact of their diseased state.

Dr. William Wey AACI Paper ̃ “The question is asked, what do you treat? A habit independent of control; a disordered mind and a perverted will; or a diseased body, whose crowning honor, the brain, is the seat and centre of pathological change? The proper and successful treatment of inebriety includes all of these conditions and much besides.” (Proceedings, pp. 27-28)

1871 AACI Paper of W.C. Lawrence Supt, Boston Washingtonian Home. “I am inclined to believe that intemperance is a disease of the mind rather than the body.” (Proceedings, p. 86)

1871 Parrish AACI address ̃ “If intemperance is not a disease, how come it that so many tens of thousands of people die from it every year?” ̃ “Disease, too, that may be both the result of present excess, and likewise a cause of the tendency to inordinate indulgence.” p. 4 ̃ “What percentage, indeed, of other diseases are cured so that we can say they will never return?” (Proceedings, p. 9) ̃ “Truth is never injured by fair criticism, and science cannot be blinded by more light. We are not struggling to maintain pet dogmas, but to reach good results to our fellow men. Let us be honest to confess errors if we find them, and bold enough to re-assert what we have already declared, if we are satisfied that the interests of morality and science demand such re-assertion.” (Proceedings, p. 11)

1871 The American Association for the Study and Cure of Inebriety passes a resolution stating that drug effects are “the same in the virtuous, as in the vicious” and insisting on the centrality of a disease explanation of inebriety. Proponents of the inebriety concept argue that there is a scientific basis for the inebriety disease model. Several aspects of this model contrast with the disease model that will dominate from the 1920s to the 1970s. Inebriety is essentially the same disease no matter what drug is involved (although cause and appropriate treatment might vary depending on what drug is taken). It rejects explanations based on defects of character. Inebriety is also understood as a progressive condition; this aspect resembles Jellinek’s later construction of alcoholism. Abstinence is seen as the only acceptable treatment goal. (White 35 lc, 36 rc) (Acker)

1872 Brown, H. (1872). An Opium Cure: Based on Science, Skill and Matured Experience. New York: Fred M. Brown & Co. (Advertising Book for Antidote and Restorative) In: Grob, G. (1981) American Perceptions of Drug Addiction. New York: Arno Press. ̃ Described “Chronic Opium Disease” as a new and “intricate” disease. p. 17 ̃ “Opium is often taken for the relief of suffering from chronic diseases until the opium habit has become confirmed and the two diseases reign together.” p. 38 Note habit and disease used interchangeably.

1873 AACI --Dr. Parrish ̃ “Men become drunkards from very different causes, and require very different treatment to effect a cure.” (Proceedings, p. 54) ̃ An 1870 report of the Commissioners of Charities and Corrections for the city of New York refers to inebriety as a “moral disease” that should be classed with other forms of “licentiousness.” (Proceedings, p. 91) ̃ “Upon the subject of inebriety, I think the following may be regarded as facts: 1) That it is a disease of the constitutional character, involving the entire organism in its consequences, 2) that the true disease is the morbid craving for alcohol, of

which the act of drinking is but an effect.” (Parrish, Proceedings, p. 94)

1874 Heroin is invented but is not marketed until 1898. (Acker)

1874 George Beard Address AACI ̃ “The great predisposing cause of the disease (chronic alcoholism) is civilization, which, by its constant brain-work and flurry of in-door life, brings the nervous system to that state of susceptibility when alcohol, acting on it for a long time, can excite a functional disturbance.” (Proceedings, p. 52 and p. 64)

1874 AACI Paper of Dr. George Burr of NY State Inebriate Asylum ̃ “It is this condition of the nervous system, calling for alcoholic stimulants that is essentially the disease.” (Proceedings, p. 78)

1874 AACI Paper of Dr. Robert Harris, FranklinReformatory ̃ “As we do not, either in name or management, recognize drunkenness as the effect of a diseased impulse; but regard it as a habit, sin, and crime, we do not speak of cases being cured in a hospital, but ‘reformed’.” (Proceedings, p. 80)

1874 McKenzie, D. (1874). The Appleton Temporary Home: A Record of Work. Boston: Published for the Benefit of the Home.

̃ Quote supporting the work of the home by Alexander Rice, the Governor of Mass., references the purpose of the home being the “cure of alcoholic disease,” title page. ̃ McKenzie refers to inebriety as a “disease of the very machinery of volition” p. 72

̃ “The inebriate must be considered, not as a criminal, but as a sick man.” p. 139 ̃ “The moral susceptibilities of the slumbering inebriate must, in some manner, be awakened from their abnormal state, and made to assume a healthy condition, then the soul is prepared to receive spiritual food...” pp 281-282.

1874 Ordronaux, J. (1874). Is habitual drunkenness a disease? American Journal of Insanity, April, p. 439.

̃ “The problem if self-abasement or self-redemption is entirely within his control, provided he exercise a continuous determination of his will not to partake. The key to the riddle of this alleged disease lies in man’s own will, and without this will effort, no physician can cure or even relieve him.” (Quoted in Valverde, 1997)

1875 ACCI Paper “The Distinction between Disease and the Morbid Anatomy of Disease Applied to Inebriety.” Proceedings, p. 71-84

̃ “It is this condition of the nervous system, calling for alcoholic stimulants that is essentially the disease.” p. 78

1875 At the June meeting of the Association of Medical Superintendents of American 22

Institutions for the Insane: ̃ “Resolved further that the treatment in institutions for the insane of dipsomaniacs, or persons whose only obvious mental disorder is the excessive use of alcoholic or other stimulants, and the immediate effect of such excess, is exceedingly prejudicial to the welfare of those inmates for whose benefit such institutions are established an maintained, and should be discontinued just as soon as other separate provision can be made for the inebriates.” (Quoted in Parrish, 1883, p. 121

1875-1877 Eduard Levinstein publishes a series of articles in Germany that call attention to the problem of morphine addiction. His was one of first studies on narcotic addiction relapse (a rate he estimated as high as 75%). (Sonnedecker, 1962, p. 31)

1876 Dr. J. B. Mattison on the cause of addiction: “we strongly suspect it to be largely akin to that peculiar diathesis so strikingly manifested in most cases of genuine neuralgia, the main element of which is a well-marked hereditary tendency towards a debilitated state of the nervous system, either special or general.” This statement exemplifies a trend in psychiatric thinking in the late nineteenth century which posits a hereditary susceptibility to a broad range of mental and nervous conditions, including various forms of insanity, milder conditions including propensity to worry and nervousness, and neurological conditions such as epilepsy. The idea of diathesis, or inborn predisposition to a condition like addiction, remains influential in psychiatric thinking for several decades. (Morgan) (Acker)

1877 Foote, G.F. (1877). Inebriety and Opium Eating: In Both Cases a Disease. Method of Treatment and Conditions of Success. Portland, Maine. (Foote began treating alcohol and opium addicts in his private medical practice in 1848 and then opened the Dr. Foote’s Home in Stamford, CT)

̃ “It should be assumed on the part of the physician, that the habitual use of the alcoholic or narcotic element has diseased the system...in other words, has produced a physical and functional derangement of the organism, and that such has reduced the digestive, pulmonic, urinary, and nervous systems, to a condition that is thoroughly morbid. This is ever accompanied with a desire for alcohol or opium...which in the first instance was but slight, but grew stronger and stronger by indulgence, until is has been made absolutely irresistible.” p. 4

1877 Willet, J. (Rev.) (1877). The Drunkard’s Diseased Appetite: What is It? If Curable, How? By Miraculous Agency or Physical Means--Which? Fort Hamilton, NY: Inebriates Home, Fort Hamilton, Kings County, New York. (Read before the annual meeting of the American Association for the Cure of Inebriates, 1877) (Willet was the Superintendent of the Inebriate’s Home, Fort Hamilton, Kings County, NY)

̃ “...physical appetites...are the manifestation of diseased conditions of the 23

body.” p. 3 ̃ Willet noted that religious teachers have been mislead by so-called “reformed topers” who claimed to have been cured of an appetite for strong drink (which they never had) by religious conversion. “...religious teachers who, possessing more zeal than knowledge, undertake to proclaim to the inebriate, both from the platform and the pulpit, this strange and dangerous delusion.” p. 4-5 ̃ A distinction is made between problem drinkers and those who truly have a morbid appetite for alcohol. p. 5 ̃ “Whence comes this consuming thirst which this class of drunkards exhibits? There must be, somewhere within the man, a deep-seated diseased condition of the physical structure, which feeds upon and is intensified by the absorption of these fiery liquids.” p. 5 ̃ Quotes an experienced physician: “The desire for stimulants may be constant or paroxysmal--an irresistible and insatiable craving is either developed by ever so small an indulgence or is ever present. Persons with this predisposition lose their power of self-control as soon as they feel the influence of alcohol...the seeds of morbid appetite are transmissible to their children.” p. 6 ̃ Refers to a “certain class of inebriates who are irresistibly impelled by the force of a diseased appetite to drink to excess...” p. 11 ̃ Characterization of progression: “In these cases which we have already given in illustration ... the disease must proceed either to recovery or death, for there is no discharge in this war.” p. 14 ̃ Quoting the Rev. Charles Warren on religious conversion as a remedy for inebriety: “It is difficult to conceive that any man, in such a state of voluntarily- induced imbecility, too drunk to hold intelligent converse with men, can be competent to transact business with God...” p. 16

1877 The New York Times cites a medical expert opinion on addicts: “It is not a vice which afflicts them, but a disease, which presents as marked and as specific a symptomatology as do many of the better known diseases, and requiring, as they do, proper medical aid and systematic treatment to effect a cure.” This statement characterizes repeated attempts to characterize addiction as a disease according to disease-definition standards of a given period. Examples include defining addiction as a functional disease when the idea of functional disease becomes important in psychiatry and neurology (early 1900s) and Bishop’s and Pettey’s attempts to explain addiction with ideas derived from immunology (1913). (Morgan) (Acker)

1877-1906 Microbial causes are discovered for anthrax (1877), gonorrhea (1879), typhoid fever (1880), tuberculosis (1882), cholera (1883), diptheria (1883), tetanus (1884), diarrhea (1885), pneumonia (1886), menningitis (1887), botulism (1896), dysentery (1899), syphilis (1903) and whooping cough (1906). (Thagard, 1997, pp.10-11). These discoveries add momentum to search for biological foundation of inebriety.

1878 Morris, F. Baldwin (1878). The Panorama of a Life, And Experience in Associating and Battling with Opium and Alcoholic Stimulants. Philadelphia: Geo. W. Ward. In: Grob, Ed., (1981) American Perceptions of Drug Addiction. New York: Arno Press. ̃ Refers to “opium and alcoholic inebriacy” and opium and alcohol “habits” interchangeably. ̃ Includes chapter entitled “Alcoholism” p. 80

1878 Eduard Levinstein’s The Morbid Craving for Morphia is published in Germany, noting an “uncontrollable desire” for morphine and that the injudicious use of morphine produces a “diseased state.”

1878 The New York Times estimates there are 200,000 opiate addicts in the U.S. It warns of a dangerous fad, especially among society women, of injecting morphine; it terms this behavior a vice. (Morgan) (Acker)

1879 Dr. Leslie Keeley announces: “Drunkenness is a disease and I can cure it.” Contends that the disease results from poisoning of the cells and that his Bi- Chloride of Gold cured alcoholism by unpoisoning the cells. Marks beginning of franchised addiction cure institutes that use a disease concept of inebriety as a marketing slogan and treatment philosophy. (White, 1998)

1879 Crothers, T.D. (1879). Editorial: Practical Value of Inebriate Asylums. Journal of Inebriety, 3(4): 249

̃ “The Permanent cure of inebriates under treatment in asylums will compare favorably in numbers with that of any other disease of the nervous system which is more or less chronic before the treatment is commenced.”

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foxgloveburning-inactive · 4 years

Text

kayleigh “not so nice” oc asks

im doing all of them because i want to have fun and torture kayleigh (asks from here)

warning: it gets real fuckin dark fjdsfldsfhsf

trigger warnings: self harm, death, serious injury, graphic injury, car accidents, general angst and darkness

1. What is one word to shut them up?

“Stop.” you wanna dig right to her core AND trigger an explosive cocktail of anxiety and RSD in her head that she most likely won’t even tell you about?? just say “stop” in a very annoyed tone

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about?

she still regrets cutting contact with her sisters for a year after poison pop broke up the first time because she thinks she could’ve used their support during that time in her life, and they were all hurt by it

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced?

being trapped in the car right after she and blue wrecked, with multiple broken bones and a lot of other minor injuries

4. Describe their worst nightmare.

dying physically alone, in a way that no one even knows she’s dead

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear.

drowning

everyone she loves forgetting her (and doing better for it)

and see above

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick?

people making suggestive comments about her/her sisters being in relationships with eachother

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves?

despite healing from a lot of her insecurity surrounding it, she still doesn’t like her tendency to get angry/sad very easily

8. Do they have anything that triggers them?

flash cameras can send her into a panic attack if she’s not told abt it beforehand

9. What is their greatest physical weakness?

she is NOT strong lmaooo she can be agile but she is not very good at physical labor

10. What is their greatest mental weakness?

her need for validation, esp from the public

11. Do they have any vices?

she doesn’t drink or smoke but music........music things will get her (songwriting at 2am, buying maybe just too many instruments, etc, etc)

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it?

she stole a pack of chips and a coke from a gas station on a dare, she’s broken into a motel pool with friends, broken into a condemned abandoned house. she did a lot of dumb things when she was a teenager/young adult lmao

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them?

i don’t like this question so i’m not going to answer it! :D

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… )?

she is indeed prone to being extremely emotional, usually anger or sadness, esp bc of her RSD, but she’s learned to manage it over the years

15. Who do they hate the most?

exploitative assholes in the music industry

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior?

no one purposefully makes her feel inferior, but her anxiety/lack of self esteem tends to get to her when she starts comparing herself to her friends (esp when it comes to things that arent music)

17. What sound always gives them a headache?

bells ringing. they had a system in her house growing up where her mom would ring a bell whenever she wanted them to come down for a meal or to go somewhere etc because they had such a large family and going to everyone individually would be a pain

but bc of her exec dysfunction, sometimes she wouldn’t come down at the bell and her mom would just keep ringing it until someone came and got her

now the sound of a bell ringing continuously grates on her nerves more than anything else

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them?

black licorice. everyone hates black licorice, yeah, but like. she has a PASSION for it

19. Do they consider themselves ugly?

she doesn’t think she’s supermodel attractive but she doesn’t think herself ugly either; at least, not anymore

20. Do they consider themselves unlovable?

when things get bad, she considers a lot of parts of herself unlovable, esp her emotions and personal issues, but nowadays she tends to be a little more confident in herself

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety?

fucking things up in conversation

22. Do they have any mental illnesses?

yes, multiple! adhd, anxiety, and depression, all diagnosed

(skipping two questions that involved sexual assault out of personal comfort)

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust?

in middle school, she had a group of friends who completely turned on her in seventh grade after she had a mental breakdown; they basically told her she had “too much baggage” for them and didn’t wanna deal with her anymore

26. Have they ever been seriously injured?

she was in a serious car accident in 2011 with blue, and ended up breaking her arm, her leg, and a couple ribs. thankfully she (and blue!) came out of it with no long term injuries. she’s been seriously injured before that but that was the worst

27. How many times have they been in the hospital?

quite a few times! she was a pretty rough-and-tumble kid and got a few bad cuts/injuries as a kid, then when her mental health got worse she was checked into the hospital once as a teenager and another time as an adult; then she got into the accident, which had her spending a lot of time in the hospital, mostly for physical therapy and making sure her injuries were healing properly

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them?

see #15

29. Does what they cannot see scare them?

yes!

30. Have they ever been bullied?

yes, all throughout school she got bullied for being a nerdy kid, for being an alternative kid, and towards the end of highschool for being queer (despite not even being out to herself)

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues?

abso-fuckin-lutely

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents?

nope! she loves her mom and dad quite a bit, and they love her too! she’s incredibly close with her family, and her parents were the ones who fuelled her passion for music

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well?

most of her relationships before blue ended badly (granted, there was only a few of them!)

34. Have they ever self harmed?

yes; she’s cut herself before, quite a bit, although most people don’t know that. pretty much just blue and her sisters and ryka know

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be?

she’s at a point where she understands that even her flaws are part of her, and she doesn’t really have the urge to change herself anymore

that being said? if she could have horns - like massive black demon horns, not those weird plastic surgery skin horns people get - she would have those

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them?

she’s wrangled her emotions by now, but for most of her life, they controlled her

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away?

not really?

38. Have they ever been imprisoned?

she spent a night in county jail for breaking into an abandoned house with her friends lol

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do?

her sisters would always blame petty shit on her when they were younger because she was the biggest troublemaker lol

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems?

she tries not to anymore, but she often takes responsibility for others’ emotional states

41. Do they get sick often?

not really!

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life?

absolutely; she has a wonderful family, an awesome career, and general stability

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts?

she tries to live on the “no regrets” philosophy, but there are definitely things she would do differently (the way the break-up happened, bottling up all her emotions all the time, not getting mental health care until her late 20s, etc)

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t?

spend time with her family. the band makes her very busy and although she will often drop everything to do things with/for them, she still wishes she could be there more often

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience?

contentment!

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide?

absolutely

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide?

yes, twice; once when she was in college (which prompted her dropping out), and another time right after the break-up

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill?

no, she hates the idea of killing anyone at all

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through.

if her kids were taken from her and placed into foster care. despite being an adopted kid herself, she knows that the foster care system is most often traumatizing and abusive for the kids in it and she’d rather die than see her kids go through that without a chance at helping them or getting them back

#kayleigh #i am SORRY for the angst #i just wanted to do this fhldskhfshdf #lean on me

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idksheepthoughts · 7 years

Text

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me.... any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that? yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter? and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing and here we are, situations reversed

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here (5) so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm. and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x (6) .those thoughts make me want to die

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.

Her: oh, now you believe me after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/ like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for (8) i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account where you seem ot think i live a dandy life (9) it fcking sucks bc im trying my best! anyways im done lol oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much) that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online and we've been civil lately but ok! i guess i don't care! because im living it up! #sarcasm (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either, i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :) (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :) god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed. But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something "idc if its an exaggeration" ^^^^^^^ unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao (11) apparnetly you get to be and i dont thats how it always is did you ever think about it feels for me when my only friend does shit like this constantly like lmao ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care LOL and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it? but you just want to assume, assume, assume (12) i cried already out of anger

Me: I didn't have friends in college either

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser. I'll shut up now.

#personal #conversations #am I in the wrong???#my perception of reality is very bad #I wish I could tell easily when im being irrational #but i feel like im also just being belittled and treated poorly in her responses too #i am toxic #bad friends #idk ... man #there is a lot i want to say to certain points I might edit and respond with my thoughts now that I am no longer intoxicated #long post

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