#based on how much easier the task is to do the next time i try it.

[tripleyeeet]

MY LOVE IS MINE, ALL MINE (15)

SUMMARY: Astarion insists that you rest.

PAIRING: Astarion & Female Reader

WORD COUNT: 2,987

WARNINGS: Brief mentions of death and dissociation, a whole lot of fluff and comfort as an apology for all the angsty chapters. :^)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ha-ha, hey do people still care about this fic? (Sorry I went MIA, my brain got bad)

CHAPTER LIST / MASTERLIST

-

It feels odd having Astarion around.

For days, his hands are almost always attached to you in some way. Gripping tightly onto your arm as he guides you out of the bed, drawing patterns into your back each night he quietly lays next to you —anything to make you feel like he’s some sort of extension of you. As if he’s another set of limbs there to help you heal. 

It’s nice, at first. Comforting. And for a while, as you exhaustively lay amongst the sheets and pillows, tucked against the side of his torso, it helps you forget about the world around you. How just beyond this realm of soft looks and tender touches, there’s a war raging on, developing day by day as you tirelessly drift from bed to bath and back again, trying your best not to get too restless.

Which is easier some days than others. 

For example, the first few felt like a breeze. Nothing more than a collection of hours that quickly whizzed by before you could even blink. With Astarion there to distract you, time seemed to slip from your grasp entirely. Exiting your mind in the form of lengthy naps spent latched onto your partner’s frame. 

It was blissful. A much needed break from all the chaos but it was obvious it wouldn’t last. Nothing more than a blip in an otherwise more momentous event, you could feel the restlessness of the future seeping in. Taking hold of your mind, ripping through the cavernous well of missing information that occurred during your death. You couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. How the group managed without you —how Astarion managed.

Based on the lack of space given during the healing process, you assume badly. Considering he’s never touched you like this —like you’re the most fragile thing he’s ever placed his hands on as if at any moment one wrongful slip of his fingers might shatter you all over again— it’s apparent something within him changed. Shifting in a way that, even now, nearly a week later his presence is still stagnant.  

And for the most part, it is nice. A welcomed change amongst all the bullshit. Having him there with you —seeing the lengths he’s willing to go to make sure that you’re safe is unparalleled to anything you’ve ever felt. A dream within a plague of nightmares lulling you to sleep each night he holds you close, telling you that everything’s fine. At least, until it isn’t. Then it feels like suffocation. Like his once-loving hands are now wrapped around your throat, reminding you of what little time you have left. Forcing you to realize that, instead of lying around living in ignorance of the task at hand, you should be helping —working alongside the rest of the party to complete your common goal. 

“I need to move, Astarion,” you tell him. Almost angrily, you press your hands to either side of his face, narrowing your eyes, watching the way he rolls his own and frowns.

“Zamrie said—“

“Oh, my Gods, forget what Zamrie said!” Before he can even protest you’re on your feet and moving towards the door, ignoring the way he huffs in response. Blocking out the sounds of his angered protests as you begin to pull on your boots. “I swear, if I don’t get out of this room I’m going to go insane!”

Surprisingly, he doesn’t do anything other than try to talk you out of it. Relaying each point of criticism with facts to back up his claims, watching the way your face twists in annoyance the longer you realize he’s right. 

Because despite mentally feeling alright aside from the lack of stimulus, you’re still exhausted. A feeling you hadn’t anticipated to take so long to recover from. Assuming you were under the hindrance of any other common illness, you figured you’d be back to normal in a few days tops. No longer feeling numb or shaky. But then again, you were dead. And for a while too, so unfortunately it makes sense as to why as you finish tying your first boot you’re already out of breath. Heavily panting against the warm air of the inn’s top floor as you glance to see Astarion’s smug look. 

“You know I’m right,” he says, and all you do is awkwardly walk back to the bed with your boot still on, collapsing face-first into the mattress with a groan. 

“I’m so bored.”

“And what do you want me to do about it?” 

In response, you merely grumble, feeling him roll you over so that he can untie the laces of your shoe, kneeling at the edge of the bed for better access as you let out a huff, unsure what to say.

Because really, there aren’t very many options left. Already you’ve read every book your party has and then some thanks to Gale and his lengthy trip to Sorcerer’s Sundries, as well as exhausted all your conversation topics. At this point, there’s nothing left but card games and sleeping and Astarion frequently cheats which leaves you with the most boring option. The one you’d rather suffer through the pain of activity than submit to, prompting you to look at Astarion with pleading eyes, praying that just this once he’ll give in. 

“Don’t look at me like that.” 

You narrow your eyes and wiggle your foot as he eventually discards your boot, quickly moving to kick his face in annoyance only to have him catch it before you make contact.

“If you don’t stop I’ll cast hold person on you,” he threatens then, moving to grip your knee and pull you towards the edge of the bed. Smirking at the sound of you squealing in amusement at the sudden shift in position. 

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” you tease, but all he does is slowly maneuver himself above you, slotting his hips between your already spread legs. Ignoring the way your face contorts to showcase the sudden nerves that erupt. 

“I would because then you’d actually rest.” 

“But I am resting.” 

“Hm, are you?”

“I’m laying down aren’t I?”

“That’s different than resting, my love.” 

“Is it?”

Somehow he’s managed to distract you with conversation long enough for you not to notice he’s looming above you. Pressing his palms against the spaces next to your head —shifting the lower half of his body to lightly press against your own. 

Upon noticing this, you swallow hard and try not to smile. Forcing down the anxiety of Astarion’s mischievous gaze exploring your features —taking in the obvious temptation that’s begun to surface. 

“You don’t seem very tired,” he tells you. Teasing you in a way that has you rolling your eyes, allowing it to happen because, while you’ve exhausted a lot of options to entertain yourself, sex isn’t one of them. Considering the two of you have been too busy reuniting and making sure everything about your resurrection continued to go smoothly, the thought really hadn’t occurred to either of you. 

Far too lost in the simple touches of each other’s company, up until now it felt more important just to coexist. To relax and monitor rather than jump into something that could only result in complications. 

Which is a thought that sits at the back of your mind. Even as he leans down, nudging your nose with his —saying something flirtatious that you completely miss due to the passing thoughts that stroll through your head— you can’t help but wonder if it’s a good idea.

“Are you sure we—“

He cuts you off with a gentle kiss. One that lingers for a couple of seconds before it’s over and he’s grinning above you, moving to glide his thumb along your cheek. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.“

“No, I just —is it right?” 

He scrunches up his face, looking at you in confusion. Making you realize how offensive your words probably sound. “Sorry, I don’t mean it like that.”

“Then how did you mean it?”

You take a minute to put together your thoughts, ignoring the way he longs for your answer. Feeling him shift slightly backwards in anticipation of your inevitable rejection. 

“Is this the right time to be doing this?”

He raises his brow and sort of laughs. “Do you mean that morally or?”

“Kind of?”

“Kind of?”

All you do is scoff in embarrassment, moving your hands to cover your face. “I just mean that… should we be having sex while the others are doing all the work?” 

Astarion really laughs at that, his voice practically rising a full octave as he swats away your hands, watching your annoyance only increase at his actions. “Seriously? That’s what you’re concerned about?”

“I feel like it’s a valid concern.” 

“Well, it’s not.” 

“Okay but I think—” 

He steals another kiss, ignoring the groan of protest that hits his lips. Opting to instead grab your cheek again, gliding his fingers against your skin. Feeling the way you almost immediately settle into his touch the moment he pulls away. 

“Darling, you and I both know the other’s don’t give a shit what we do. So long as it’s somewhat legal and doesn’t disturb their sleep.” 

Moving your hands to his torso, you practically sigh in defeat, pinching his hips with frustrated fingers as you lean up and kiss his chin. “I don’t know. I think Gale might be jealous if he comes back and sees us.”

As you fall back down he chases you instantly, enveloping your mouth in his a third time, knowing then that you’re surrendering. That instead of fighting the urge to make excuses, you’re allowing yourself to enjoy what he’s offering. To experience that connection without the added baggage of not knowing whether or not there’s feelings involved. 

Because now that you’ve admitted it —now that both of you have said those three little words, it feels completely different. After travelling and talking and experiencing that unfortunate blip of separation there’s a whole other dynamic that takes place.

For example, somehow his touch is gentler. And not because of your current physical setbacks. No, there’s something tender about it. As if the care he has for you has extended from his heart to his palms, guiding them in ways that make your chest tighten with newfound anticipation. Against your flesh, his fingers are delicately placed, slipping to grip the back of your neck, sprawling out to cover as much surface area as possible. 

Sighing into him, your thoughts wander to different positions. Imagining all of the ways the two of you might end up, you can feel your stomach twist with excitement. Your mouth curling up into an empty-minded smile, unaware of the joy that radiates between you. Too distracted by the happy sound he makes when you grip the waistline of his pants. 

“Does this serve as a good enough distraction for your boredom?” 

You hum and kiss him, eventually pulling back to nod. “Only if it’s okay.” 

For a moment he pauses, his expression turning from playful to serious. His eyes softening at the weight of your words, realizing that you mean it. That for once in his life he’s in control of his own pleasure. 

“I promise you, I wouldn’t offer if it wasn’t,” he eventually tells you, and all you do is beam. Moving your hands to his face, you look at him with affectionate pride, running your thumbs along the highpoint of his cheeks —pressing down as you pull him back to rest his forehead against yours.

“I love you so much,” you say, closing your eyes, hearing him softly hum in a way that rips the air right out of your lungs. Feeling the way he stiffens before he ultimately melts beneath your touch, allowing the full weight of his body to press against yours. 

“You mean the world to me,” he responds, moving to kiss your cheek before moving to the other before you open your eyes again to see him hovering above. “When I lost you I—“

You don’t interrupt him. Instead, you just press your lips together and offer a nod, watching his mind work through the blockage. 

“Losing you felt like losing hope. Like I was being shoved back into that blasted mausoleum all over again.” He pauses to swallow, watching you stare into his eyes, refusing to break the contact even though it’s obvious he wants to. “I don’t want to feel like that ever again. I can’t —I won’t.” 

Your hands move towards his shoulders, slowly weaving their way around his neck to pull him close. To let him feel the pounding heart inside your chest and how its pace quickens because of him.

“I know it may seem like I’m ungrateful a lot of the time —that I’m brash or unkind but don’t think for a second I take for granted what you feel for me.” His lips press against yours for a second before they’re separate again. “I love you and I won’t let anything more happen to you.”

As soon as he finishes you can’t help but pull him against your chest, placing a kiss to the crown of his head before resting your chin on top of it. “Mm, you really have a way with words don’t you?”

All he does is chuckle. “I would hope so after all the mindless chatter I’ve done over the last two centuries.”

“I’m sure you’ve swept your fair share of feet with that beautiful voice of yours.” 

He cranes his neck to look up at you. “My voice is pretty beautiful, isn’t it?”

“It’s like music to my ears, darling,” you tell him, partially mocking him as he scoffs in response and reaches for the nearest pillow to smother your already giggling face.

 “Don’t mock me.” 

Awkwardly moving to shove the pillow aside, you feel him shift against you as he sits up, grabbing both of your wrists and pinning them above your head. “Actually, you know what, I take back what I said —I actually hate you.”

“No you don’t.” 

You scrunch up your face in fake annoyance as he leans down again, giving you a chastising look. “I do. So much so that I don’t want to have sex with you anymore.”

“Oh, really?”

While nodding your head, you try your best to get him to release your wrists but to no avail, eventually sighing in response. “Yeah, I’d rather take a bath instead, I think. Get you to wash my hair or something.”

Without even protesting he just kisses your nose and rises from the bed, readying the bath. Taking it upon himself to focus on the task at hand rather than your lingering eyes staring at his dishevelled hair and the way his clothes have shifted out of place thanks to your roaming hands. Something that shouldn’t annoy you but does as you crave his attention. Finding yourself wanting desperately to keep him connected any way you can. 

Because despite knowing he’s here with you, sometimes he isn’t. Instead, sometimes he’s lost in far-off lands, travelling by himself in fear, trying desperately to get back. Behind his eyes, you can always tell when he’s absent because his eyes sort of shift out of focus, dismissing whatever’s directly in front of him in favour of relieving whatever awful memory’s been triggered. 

It breaks your heart. Ultimately spurring you to stand and move behind, wrapping your arms around him as he finishes up the bath. 

“C’mon, get it before it gets cold.” 

Despite wanting to playfully protest, you listen. Taking a reluctant step back while releasing his frame, you slowly begin to peel off your clothes, feeling his fingertips reach for your stomach as you throw your tunic over your head.

“Can I help you?” 

Looking down at his hand, you see his fingers draw patterns into your flesh. How they practically dance their way down to your waist before his other hand slips to the buttons of your trousers. 

“Other way around.”

You look at him, confused, prompting him to laugh. 

“Figured you could use a hand with these.” He tugs the button through the hole with one quick swipe, causing you to bite back a smirk and roll your eyes, allowing him to slowly drag the fabric down your legs. Watching as he moves to his knees along with it. 

Once there, he motions for you to step out of each pant leg, discarding the fabric entirely. Grinning up at you once you’re left only in your underwear. 

“Gods, you’re…” He doesn’t finish. Instead, he just kisses the inner portion of your thigh as he plays with the edge of the fabric, looking up at you with pleading eyes. The kind that you merely nod at, suddenly feeling nervous.

Because it’s been a while since he’s seen you like this. And even so, it continues to feel different. More intimate somehow as he moves at a leisurely pace, kissing your skin while exposing your sex. As it happens, you have to look away and take a breath, feeling everything shift past your thighs and knees, eventually moving to your calves and feet before there’s nothing against you. No fabric or hands or lips —only the suffocating air of the inn hitting your bare skin, forcing you to uncomfortably squirm as you look down. 

“Beautiful,” he mutters, and suddenly it feels like your heart is bursting against your chest, watching as he leans forward to pepper a few kisses along your upper legs, reaching for the scars that line your stomach —ignoring the way they twitch beneath his fingertips as he traces over them. “How about we get you into the tub before the water gets cold, hm?”

Almost nervously you nod, feeling him grip your hips for support as he moves to stand before guiding you into the tub without another word. 

-

TAGLIST:

@poohxlove @gaiasmight @sassy-stupid @novarex @v-gremlin @sapphiccloud @lipstickghoulie @kuroitsukyo @jjfchk @idiotsatan @bluestuesday @bloopthebat @art-by-greenie @heneralmoon @sukunababe @dreamingaboutyousworld @ranfithegood @haniscrying @liadamerondjarin @the-lake-is-calling @marina-and-the-memes @rookieoftheyear @zraloci-cpr @kaetmo @snickerdoodle-daydream @wowowwild @d1anna @raswiet @conniesbbymama @venus-wrts @demonicthorns @kihten @sanscas @spammypasta @leighsartworks216 @rose-gold-blue @p1ssmagg0t @hellish-writes @ghostinvenus @otayz @sexysquatch @sleepyeclair @colorful-anxieties @alina-exe @lillifer @girlwiththepapatattoo @acelin-ginsberg @pinkuranium @catrad0rable @scarletrosesposts @qwnamidala @itsrosebabe @bunnyperi @queenofcarrotflowers-s @tatumadams20 @spkyxszn @chlort @f3v3rs @awkwardwookie @joy-the-reader @warm-milk-with-honey-blog @vertigocrime @iyis @wildpiper @pebblethestone @tillywasneverhere @bex-03 @revemiya @staticspouse @itzagothamcitysiren

(taglist continued in reblogs)

#my love is mine all mine #astarion fan fic #astarion x female reader #astarion x reader #a lover's folly #summer writes

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Life in the City 5

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as bad friends, creep behaviour, abuse of power dynamics, and possible untagged elements. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You move to the big city and find yourself swallowed up by its chaos.

Characters: Clark Kent, Thor Odinson, short!reader

Note: Heloooooo.

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me.

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Please do not just put ‘more’. I will block you. No tag list, do not ask for updates.

I love you all immensely. Take care. 💖

As promised, you’re shown to your new office by the end of the day. You put your meagre box of belongings on the desk and unpack a piece at a time. Isn’t an exhaustive task so you take your time. 

You put your watermelon post-its by the base of the monitor’s pedestal and your cell phone screen lights up. It’s been buried in your bag for much of the day but you took it out to reconnect to your work accounts. Melanie’s name fills the top of the screen. You still haven’t responded to her since the weekend. 

You swipe up your phone and cross the office. You answer as you shut the door, eking out a tiny hello as you turn back and bite your thumb. You pace aimlessly as your stomach knots. You don‘t think you’re mad at her, just embarrassed about how it all turned out. She knows how many times your excitement was burnt to disappointment, you hoped she wouldn’t have added to your pile ashes. 

“Hey, girl, you busy? I’ve been calling you all week.” 

It’s Tuesday, you think to yourself. 

“I’m sorry, I just have a lot going on at work--” 

“That’s great,” she interrupts, “did you see my texts? I really am sorry about the other night. You know, I was stressed. Clark was out of town for his job and I hadn’t seen him all week. Really, I didn’t forget about you, I just thought we were meeting Saturday, not Friday.” 

Your mouth slants as you weigh her excuse. You don’t know if you believe her but it could be true. How long have you been friends? Doesn’t she deserve the benefit of the doubt?

“Everyone gets busy,” you say with a brittle laugh, “I totally get it. Next time I’ll be clearer, that’s all. Make sure there’s no misunderstanding.” 

“Of course,” her voice is trills and is overly affected, “I just wanted to check in since Clark said you were so upset.” 

“He did?” You frown as you stop by the desk and take your stapler out of the box. 

“Uh, yeah, he did. So, in the future, if your upset, you can just let me know, hon,” her tone drips like syrup, “we’re friends, aren’t we? I mean, it’s a big city and we gotta stick together.” 

“Erm, sure, I’m sorry, I didn’t think... I wasn’t upset. I didn’t say anything, you know, I was just tired.” 

“Whatever, hon, it’s behind us now, isn’t it? You forgive me?” She pauses, waiting. 

“Y-yeah?” You answer. 

“Aw, that’s so wonderful,” she chimes, “anyway, you sound busy. You must be working so I’ll let you go. Ciao.” 

She hangs up and you hold the phone to your ear for a moment after the line dies. That was weird. Like she wasn’t really talking to you, but more putting on a show for someone. Strange. 

You drop your arm and a knock comes at the door. You wince and put your phone screen down. You face the door and fold your hands. 

“Uh, who is it?” You call out. 

The door opens and a throat clears, “just me,” Thor says as he enters, “wanted to be sure you got some of the leftovers.” 

He has a container in his hands. You try to blow off the tension and force a smile. You drop your arms straight and drag a finger up and down the seam of your pants. 

“Thanks, that’s too sweet,” you chirp. 

“Ah, I made sure to get you some cinnamon cookies,” he nears and offers the container. 

“Oh, my, I shouldn’t,” you accept the box. 

“You shouldn’t?” He wonders, “you’re not on some diet, are you? You hardly need one.”  

You laugh nervously, “oh, no,” you back up and spin to put the container on the desk. You go back and reach into the box, “I just... I have a rotten sweet tooth, you know? Sugar keeps me up.” 

“Mmm, well, you should indulge. Enjoy. Nothing wrong with allowing yourself the small things,” he goads, “so,” he claps his hands, the sound making you jump, “your office. How do you like it?” 

He looks around theatrically as he pivots. You take out your small blue mug with the teddy bear on it and follow his gaze, “it’s nice. Big.” 

“Yes, I suppose you don’t take up much space,” he remarks, “if you need any supplies, you can just let me know.” 

“Oh, um, I shouldn’t. I... I could just contact finance--” 

“Come to me,” he insists, “accounting takes too long.” 

“Okay,” you agree. 

“Are you excited?” He asks as he turns to you. 

“Sure,” you answer. 

“Mm,” he hums, “you’re sweet, but I don’t want you to stress. If there’s anything overwhelming me, don’t be afraid to let me know.” 

“I know, thank you, Mr. Odinson.” 

“Thor,” he corrects you with a wink, “you don’t know want to know Mr. Odinson.” He grins and you look at him blankly, “my father. He’s an old grump.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” you put the cup down and rub your palms together, “it’s been a long day.” 

“It has indeed,” he checks his watch, “you’re almost done... I should let you finish.” He flicks his finger towards your desk, “tomorrow, the heavy lifting begins.” 

“Yeah,” you murmur. 

“Don’t forget your treats,” he points to the container, “you’ve earned it.” 

“Right, thanks again,” your smile trembles as fatigue nips at the corner of your eyes. 

“See you tomorrow morning,” he avows before he spins and goes to the door. 

You return your attention to the box as you sense him hovering at the threshold. You think he’s looking at you but you’re too nervous to check. Finally, the door closes and you exhale and close your eyes. You can’t believe how much today has taken out of you and the days to come promise much of the same. 

🏙️

You yawn as you come out of your building, eyelids heavy and itchy as you rub them with your knuckles. You hitch up your bag as you turn down the sidewalk and cross to the stop on the other side of the street. You barely slept through the anxiety and anticipation. The unknown stresses you out more than anything and you really have no idea what you’re walking into. 

You let your head lean back as you give another silent roar of fatigue. You roll your shoulders and urge yourself to wake up. You got to get with it. You can’t show up at the office half-asleep. 

The whir of an engine approaches and you look towards the direction of the bus route. Its too quiet to be a bus. Instead, there’s a vaguely familiar car that slows instead of passing. You squint and cross your arms defensively. You have to keep reminding yourself this is the city. 

The window rolls down as you bounce on your feet awkwardly, “hey,” your name rises in the deep timbre. 

You bend and find Clark smiling at you. Of course! That’s why you recognised his car. 

“Heyyyy,” you say, “what are you doing... here?” 

“Working on a story, actually. Was in the area and... what timing, huh?” He pushes his shoulder up as he keeps one hand on the steering wheel, “you on your way to work?” 

“Yup,” you answer brightly, swallowing another yawn, “bus should be here soon.” 

“The bus? Get in, I’ll give you a ride.” 

“Oh, no, you don’t have to... that’s too far.” 

“Where do you work?” 

“Tempest,” you answer. 

“Tempest? That’s right by the paper. I’ll take you, no problem.” 

“Really?” Your brows arch dramatically, “that’s so nice of you.” 

“Of course,” he pats the passenger seat and the door unlocks with a loud click.

“I owe you one." You open the door and get in, tempted to melt into the seat. It’s so much better than the stiff ones on the bus. Ugh, your head is tenuous at best. It could start pounding at any minute. 

“How are you?” Clark asks as you buckle in. 

“Alright,” you repress yet another yawn, “how are you? How’s Melly?” 

“Melly?” He chuckles, “she’s fine, I think. I'm... fine too.” 

“Oh...” you twiddle your fingers in your lap as he slowly leans on the gas and pulls away from the curb, “just fine?” 

“Yeah, yeah, we’ve just been... talking a lot. You know, relationship stuff,” he drives with one hand, combing his other through his hair. 

“Ah, right,” you nod, “hopefully it’s okay.” 

“Huh,” he scoffs and puts his other hand on the wheel, “you’re a good friend.” 

“I... guess,” you shrug. “I... I just think Melanie really likes you.” 

“Oh, I know she does,” he laughs, “doesn’t keep her from being... how she is. I like her too but we both know she can be very demanding.” 

“She can be,” you agree, “but I think that’s just her personality. Sometimes I wish I could be more like her.” 

“Why would you want that?” he asks. 

“Er...” 

“I just mean, you’re you. Everyone’s different right and you’re just so sweet,” he says, “this world has enough Melanies.” 

“Maybe,” you turn your head and cover your mouth as you yawn at the window. 

“I’m dying for a coffee,” Clark says, his tone shifting smoothly with the topic, “how about you? Green tea?” 

You look at him. He remembers your order? You rub your cheek and drop your hand to your lap. 

“I’m okay, but thank you--” 

“Really, it’s no big deal,” he flips the blinker on, “I need an espresso so, how about it? Iced, hot?” 

You bite the inside of your lip. You really could use a boost. You don’t often get the chance. Your bus ride is too long to factor in a cafe run. 

“Could I get a matcha latte, iced? I have some change,” you open your bag and shove your hand inside. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he waves you off. 

“Really, you’re giving me a ride. The least I can do--” 

“The least you can do is let me buy your drink,” he insists, “because I kinda have a big favour to ask you.” 

“You do?” 

“Yeah, uh, it’s for Melanie. You must know her birthday is coming up.” 

“Yeah, I know--” 

“I really wanna work through things with her and I figured if I threw her a party, maybe it’s better than all this talking,” he joins the queue for the drive thru, “and you’ve known Melanie a lot longer than me so you’re like an expert. Do you think you could help me out?” 

“A birthday party? Well, I... could try. Mel’s always been the one into parties and planning and all that.” 

“I’m not good at it either but you know what she likes. I could use help at least with colours or whatever,” he suggest, “I mean, obviously, you don’t have to. I’m not going to blackmail you with a car ride and a latte.” 

You laugh rockily, “well, I could try. It wouldn’t be so bad and I should do something special. We’re both finally living in the same city. Maybe this would help with us too.” 

“Us? You and... Mel?” 

You give him a look then look through the windshield. You fidget as he rolls up to the speaker and orders. You wait until he’s done. 

“Things were awkward the other day when I crashed your date night,” you say, “I’m sure you caught on.” 

“Yeah, yeah, she wasn’t very gracious,” his tone lowers sharply. 

“It’s okay. She didn’t mean anything. I’m not upset--” 

“Did she apologise?” He asks abruptly. 

“Uh, yeah, of course, but she doesn’t have to--” 

“I think you deserve the apology,” he interrupts again. “You know, you don’t deserve to be walked all over like that. Hell, if I had friend like you, I think I’d treat you a lot better.” 

“I’m not upset,” you assure him, his mood making you uneasy. It’s flattering he would be so upset on your behalf but you’d rather just put it all behind you, “she said sorry, it’s all good.” You wiggle your foot as you think, “alright, I can help with the party.” 

“Ah, yes, you’re a life saver,” he pulls up to the window and pays. He gets the drinks and hands you the matcha before he slips his in the cup holder, “great, I’ll get your number and we can throw around ideas when you have a chance.” 

“Oh, yeah, sure, I could...” the cup soaks your hands in condensation, chilling you, “I’ll do my best. I have a new assignment at work so I’ll be a bit tied up.” 

“No problem, whenever you can. Hope you don’t mind if I send you a couple of pictures I saw,” he says, “tryna come up with a vision, you know?” 

“That’s cool,” you pause to sip the matcha, nearly sighing at the refreshing flow that coats your stomach, “thank you so much for the tea.” 

“Any time,” he says as he pulls out into the street, “anything you need at all.” 

#clark kent #thor #dark clark kent #dark thor #dark!clark kent #dark!thor #clark kent x reader #thor x reader #fic #dark fic #dark!fic #series #life in the city #au #multifandom #dcu #dc #marvel #mcu #avengers #superman

[ms-gallows]

Leon Kennedy headcanons: Romantic Relationships

Reposting because tumblr ate it. Based on RE4 Remake Leon.

I said in a previous post that RE4 Remake Leon reminded me a little of Mr. Darcy. With his crush, he’d be more quiet than usual. Unsure of how to act on feelings (or if he should) and worried how his crush would react. Being slightly curt with his crush. Trying to sneak some stares and looking away just as he’s about to get caught. They would be certain that he dislikes them, when he’s really just nervous. They would never guess he had a crush on them  because he’d seem so distant. But he would do some nice things behind the scenes. Overhear you saying you need to buy some trivial thing, you come back the next day and it’s on your desk. Stiffly suggests going out together, but just casually, of course. It’s not like he likes you or anything. Puts on a serious face and asks if you’d like to get coffee:

This is exactly the face he makes when he asks. This is a very serious situation. “Coffee. Would you join me for some?”

(RE2 Leon would have handled it differently. Still shy and awkward, but definitely less businesslike. More prone to blushing and chuckling nervously. “I was..um...wondering if you’d like to get some coffee. Sometime. Anytime-uh..”)

Now I think this cold/distant approach I’m describing is something that happens if Leon is actually romantically interested in someone. If he’s just looking to fuck he’s more suave and flirtatious. So if he has a one-night stand that turns into something more, his partner is going to be in a very awkward situation while he figures his shit out. He doesn’t seem like a romantic person, but the want for romance is definitely there. He’s just very pragmatic and task oriented. But in his heart of hearts, he wants something deep and intimate; a melding of two souls. He just doesn’t really indulge in those feelings because he thinks it won’t happen for him.

If someone gives him a very heartfelt and sincere compliment, he doesn’t really know what to do. He gets flustered internally and it doesn’t compute. Just kind of goes blank. That, or he laughs it off. Did they really just say that? Do I need to get my hearing checked? When pursuing women, he’s definitely got an urge to be gentlemanly. It can come off as a little traditional. He’s definitely egalitarian in his beliefs, he just falls back on convention with dating, ie: paying for dinner, giving his date his coat if she gets cold, etc. When pursuing men, that’s where he’s out of his element. In my headcanon, Leon didn’t accept he was into men until he was an adult. With women, he falls back on the conventions of dating, but with men, he has to rethink it. Do we split the bill? Do I pay? Does he pay? It’s easier for men to make him blush as well. When pursuing enbys, he’d be more careful and anxious. He’d probably still unconsciously take up a masculine role, but he’d ask a lot more about how they’d prefer he act. He doesn’t want them to be uncomfortable around him. Pays careful attention to how they want to present one day to the next if they’re fluid. (God damn it I want a fic of Leon finding out his crush is non-binary lol) Leon might take a little time learning to work with neurodivergent partners, but once he learns what they need, he’s very patient, understanding, and attentive to their needs. (sidenote: I adore autistic Leon headcanons)

Ends up dating normie women a lot, but has a soft spot for alternative   women/men/enbys. They tend to enjoy the same music as him so he likes that. I get this feeling from Remake Leon specifically. I feel like OG Leon wouldn’t be interested in alt people that much.

Artistic types are foreign but intriguing to him because he doesn’t have a creative bone in his body. It would be so funny to see him getting with an academic nerd type? “I don’t care for this architecture. Who pairs Corinthian columns with Ogival arches?” “Yeah babe, it’s terrible.” (has no idea what they’re talking about) “Whoever is responsible must pay for this assault on my senses.” “I’ll get on that.” (sarcasm) He’s drawn to people who are intelligent and compassionate. People who are mature and capable of deeper discussion. Likes people he can learn from. Also a plus if someone can defend themselves or is willing to learn to. He doesn’t want to worry about their safety. It’s one of the main reasons he doesn’t look for a partner (for now...I’m sure there’s a breaking point. A dark sense of humor is also appreciated, though he typically makes sure to be sensitive with serious subjects himself. If you can get him to do a double take with a dark joke, he’s going to remember you. End: feel free to give feedback!

#leon kennedy headcanons #leon kennedy #leon s kennedy #re4 #resident evil 4 #resident evil 4 remake #re2 #resident evil 2 #resident evil

[rowritesstuff]

Disaster - Conan Gray (Kaz Brekker x GN! Reader)

A/N: I done did a thing. If you didn't get the memo from the title, this fic is based on the song Disaster by Conan Gray. I've seen a lot of Kaz Brekker fics on here based on Conan Gray songs, so I am in no way the first person to do this, but I just put a playlist on shuffle and this song came up, so I decided to write a fic from it. Also, I'm pretty sure this is gender neutral, but if it's not, please let me know.

Ro's Masterpost

WORD COUNT: 1.7k words

WARNINGS: Drinking and drunkeness, slight mentions of self-harm and suicide (just barely).

Image found on Twitter.

In your defense, Jesper had gotten you drunk, so risks seemed easier to take that night.

You made the mistake of allowing Jesper to buy drinks for the two of you. You weren't celebrating anything. It had just been a while since you and Jesper had had a conversation that lasted for hours.

After you finally decided to leave the Crow Club at some unsaintly hour, you should have gone to bed. Instead, you couldn't stop thinking of Kaz.

Kaz Brekker. Dirtyhands. The Bastard of the Barrel. What could you possibly have to think about him? Maybe it was his hair, the way the dark strands fell across his forehead sometimes. Or, it could be his sharp jawline or the way he carried himself as if he owned the rooms and buildings he walked in, which sometimes he did.

You have to admit, when you heard the tales of Dirtyhands when you first arrived in Ketterdam, you never imagined he'd be so easy on the eyes until you met him. But he was. Oh, Saints, he was.

You didn't go straight to bed after bidding Jesper a good night, so what did you do? As any drunk person would, you wrote a note to your crush, which, in your case, was Kaz. You could barely even remember what the note said by the time you slid it under his bedroom door.

Then you went to bed.

You woke up the next morning feeling very hungover and regretting the amount you drank the night before. Despite feeling like death, you got up, got dressed, and went on with your day.

You didn't have much you had to do that day, so you took the time to neaten your room up a bit. After finishing that task, you decided to do some shopping around the city, since you had recently earned a decent amount of money from a job.

You returned to the Crow Club late that night. When you walked in, Kaz asked for you to meet up with him in his room. Once you put your things in your room, you followed his orders and went into his.

You had forgotten about the note you gave Kaz until you saw it folded up on his desk. You tensed up a bit, thinking that the note was the reason Kaz wanted to see you, but he didn't even mention it.

All that happened was you and Kaz had a conversation. He spoke about new tips on jobs and some shared memories of old ones while you spoke about the things you had done that day and how you had been recently. Kaz never even brought up the note.

Throughout the conversation, you somewhat hoped he would bring it up, maybe so you would remember what you wrote on it. Or maybe so you could know if he read it or what he thought of it.

At least, no matter what stupid things you wrote on it, you could blame your drunkenness from the night before.

As you were tossing and turning in your bed after Kaz let you leave, you were picking the conversation apart in your head, trying to dissect Kaz's words and find the true meaning of why he wanted to see you.

You figured that it didn't matter for two reasons. One, Kaz Brekker is not a man that is easy to figure out. Two, it was just a one-time thing.

Except, it wasn't.

It became an every night thing.

Every night, Kaz would ask you to come into his room and the two of you would just talk. About everything. About nothing. It went on for weeks before Inej mentioned it to you.

"Are you and Kaz together?" Inej asked you as you entered your bedroom after breakfast. You had no idea she was there, so she scared you.

Your hand flew to your chest. "I swear to the Saints, Inej, if you keep doing that, one day I'm going to accidentally shoot you."

"Answer the question. Are you and Kaz together?"

"No, we're not." You answered after getting your bearings. "What makes you think we are?"

"You go to his room for hours every night. There is clearly something between you and him."

You sat on your bed. "But there isn't anything between us. We're just talking."

"About what?" You shrugged. Inej smiled. "Y/N, do you like him?"

"What?"

"Kaz. Do you like Kaz?"

You played with your hands with your head facing your lap. "Maybe..."

Inej laughed. "Do you think he likes you too?"

You sighed. "I don't know, Inej. Every night when I go to bed, I'm dissecting our conversations, looking for signs that I don't even know are there or not. Sometimes I think he looks at me in a way he doesn't look at anyone else, and then he looks away, and his eyes are the same as they always are. Cold and emotionless."

Inej sat down next to you. "He talks to you for hours every night. Clearly, he wants to see you and be in your presence because he asks you to go to his room every night."

You dropped your upper body onto your mattress. "What if I'm just reading it wrong? What if I make a move and it turns out that he never saw me in that way?" Inej shrugged and she lied down next to you. "I think I'd be better off dying if that happened."

Inej laughed, which made you laugh. Soon, the two of you were mercilessly giggling to the point your stomachs hurt.

Your laughter was interrupted by Jesper barging in and practically pulling Inej up. "Inej, please help me. There's a really cute boy in the Club and I need you to be my wing woman."

Inej looked back at you. "I'll leave you with your thoughts and dissection of conversations. Good luck."

You smiled as she left the room, being dragged by Jesper.

Later that night, you had a couple of drinks by yourself at the Crow Club. Kaz hadn't asked you to come to his room yet, and you weren't sure he would. You didn't know if you were content with not speaking with him that night or if it bothered you.

Kaz was a confusing creature. He managed to have hours-long conversations with you without telling you anything about himself. You still barely knew anything about his past or anything about him.

The only thing you had learned about him, is that he was comfortable taking his gloves off around you. He always wore the gloves, no matter what, but around you, he didn't wear them.

You didn't know why Kaz wore the gloves, and you certainly weren't going to press him about it, but you guessed that they had to be some sort of a shield for him. Or maybe even armor.

However, the gloves were only a piece of his armor. He still wore the rest of it, never showing his full self. You imagined that if you were in love with someone, you would want to take off your armor around them and show your full, true, real self to them. So, maybe he didn't love you. Maybe you were reading those rare glances wrong.

You set your empty glass down at the bar, paid what you had to, and went all the way upstairs, standing in front of Kaz's door. You knew that this could be a disaster, but you slowly lifted your fist to the wooden door, and you knocked.

You heard some small thing drop onto wood, most likely Kaz's desk, and then you heard a chair scraping on the floor and Kaz's cane hitting the floor as he made his way to the door.

You wanted to throw yourself down the stairs when you saw his face in the doorway. You looked down at his ungloved hand resting on his crow-head cane.

"Y/N?" Kaz asked after a moment of awkward silence.

You shook your head. "I'm drunk. I shouldn't have come here."

Kaz sighed. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, just drunk. And I have the urge to jump out of a window. Or off a roof."

Kaz moved to the side of the doorway. "Come insi-"

"I love you." Kaz stared at you, his face unreadable. You entered his room and you sat in the chair you always sat in when you came here. You held your head in your hands. "Kaz Brekker, I love you."

Kaz closed the door. The sound seemed so loud in the silent room. "You're lying."

Your head snapped up, your eyes meeting his. He looked almost angry. "What?"

"You're lying to me. That note you gave me is full of lies. You're a liar." He looked away from you, unable to bear your eye contact.

You stormed up to his desk and you snatched the parchment that your note from many nights before was written on and you read it.

Dear Kaz, If you couldn't tell, I am very drunk right now, so, I had the brilliant idea to tell you about my feelings for you. You're really pretty. Like, really pretty. Is pretty the right word? Oh. The word I'm looking for is handsome. You're really handsome. I like you. Sober me would never tell you that, but I'm not sober right now, am I? That's it. Please burn this when you're done reading it. Even better, don't read this at all. Love, Y/N P.S., you're really pretty.

You cringed as you set the paper back on the desk. "I see you didn't burn the note." You glanced back at Kaz. He still refused to look at you. "I don't know why you're calling me a liar when clearly I tell the truth most when I'm drunk."

"Stop lying to me and giving me hope." Kaz took a shaky breath. "You're right. You shouldn't have come here. Now, please go." You stared at Kaz, frozen in your place. He glanced at you for only a second before he turned around. "Go!"

You left the room and slammed his door behind you. You stormed down the stairs.

Maybe you were mistaken. Maybe you just made it up and now messed it up.

#kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x y/n #kaz brekker x you #shadow and bone #grishaverse #six of crows #crooked kingdom #rowritesstuff

[byeonibby]

how to start your shifting journey pt 1

what to start with (in order)

hi my name is byeoni and if ur just starting your shifting journey (like me) here’s a list or bullet points to correctly introduce yourself to shifting. ill go over each point and why it’s helpful after I put them down.

list

1. better cr

2. pinterest board

3. waiting room

4. profile creating

5. background creating

6. boundary list

7. document your journey in any way

8. affirmation list and shifting things that you go by

9. list of what your excited for when you first shift

10. task lisk

11. final draft of dr script

12. study ur script and shifting

13. disassociate and mentally prepare yourself to shift.

14. find your method.

15. create ur lifa or dr rules.

16. set a timespan (take it slow)

17. introduce yourself to the feeling of shifting.

18. shift.

explanation

okay so 1. we have better cr, this is so you can get used to shifting and the ups and downs and rules, creating a better cr is a small task and arguably one of the easier scripts you’ll create your modifying and tweaking, you can change anything. It shows how limitless shifting can be without giving u to much and overwhelming u, when there’s to much to do u might just give up so this is a better idea.

2. Pinterest to help give some organization!! This may excite u a little so that’s cool but it key that u have a base for what you want to do

3-5. ur ability to create, it helps sharpen it a little the waiting room is really ethereal and a version of your mind so make it lovely u can copy people and background and boundaries to ur final dr

7. you don’t have to, it’s just so u can again keep ur mind clean and fresh!!

8-10. all so u can be organized, motivated, firm

and knowledgeable.

12. u need to clear your mind of any doubts or questions studying, adjusting and changing ur script will answer questions and so will studying shifting.

13. sorry, I know a lot of people will hate this, but you can’t have your consciousness be extremely grounded in this reality and once u say a couple affirmations expect it to float up to the next, you need to be dissociated to shift, how are u gonna move consciousness when ur stuck to one.

14-15. This is all about finding out what u personally want and need, stay firm.

16. u shouldn’t stay disassociated all the time and you shouldn’t be trying to shift all the time. Okay so u set for two weeks in a month to try and shift, you didnt. don’t stay disassociated that is SO bad for you, and constantly failing is also bad, shifting should be special and not draining or overused. so instead of trying again the next day, wait a week reset your body for half eat well make sure that ur body is taken care of then get it ready to shifti

17. u can do this by smelling the smell I’ll smell when u get into ur dr making urself dizzy, be ready for all ur symptoms and don’t run away from them

Happy shifting!!

- byeoni

#SoundCloud #reality shifter #kpop aesthetic #kpop shifting #shift #shifttok #reality shift #kpop #kpopshifting #shifting

[doomhands-jr]

The Choreographer -- Pt 14

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader | Jimin X Reader | Yoongi X Reader .

Rating: Explicit (not for this chapter though)  

Warnings: *deep breath* angst, smut, protected vaginal intercourse, blowjobs, eating out, emotional outbursts, post-coital emotional flooding, more angst, choking, scratching, biting, kissing, marijuana use, drinking, playful roasting, holding hands, and did I mention angst? Seriously your heart breaks a little for each of them. 

Summary: You were the assistant choreographer for BTS tasked with taking over for the lead while on tour. You'd sacrificed everything for this job, and you didn't want to risk it, but the temptation has proved to be too sweet.

Now you have to juggle the social, physical, and emotional consequences of your affairs. Jealousy between the members, social isolation, and potential feelings? No, that last one was not something you'd allow. You already had enough on your plate. You had to squash that down.

But feelings demand to be felt. And you cannot run away forever.

________

OR

________

How I dumped all my trauma into a single fanfic.

Masterlist

A/N: *sings* who is ready for things to get SO much more complicated? Me! I’m ready! This might be my favorite chapter I’ve ever written. Wooohooo! Let’s gooooooooooo! 

______________________________________________________________

The lights of the arcade flashed all around you—magenta, tangerine, and turquoise took turns in your periphery while you chewed on your straw. Rum and coke. It had been your go-to since before you were old enough to legally drink.

It had been three weeks since Jungkook had left your room. You’d just flown to Osaka. This was the second-to-last stop before Shizuoka, and then finally home to Seoul. You couldn’t wait for this godforsaken tour to be over. Once in Seoul, you’d have an entire month off to rest and recuperate before you had to head back out, and were singularly focused on getting through this tour so you could spend the next month doing absolutely nothing.

You and Jungkook hadn’t spoken to each other at all since that night, save for overly-polite greetings whenever you had to save face in front of staff and the other members.

Despite the time, it hadn’t gotten easier.

You took another sip of your drink and savored the carbonation that prickled on your tongue.

“Babe! Over here!”

You looked over to see Jia. She stood beside a large arrangement of dance-based games and waved you over.

“Come on! I need a player 2!” 

She jumped up and down as you approached her, eager for you to join.

“I don’t know if this would be a fair fight, Ji,” you taunted.

“Wanna bet?” Her smile held a sinister edge. “I used to play this game all the time back home.”

“Yeah, but I’m more coordinated.”

“Okay, well prove it then,” she said, gesturing for you to take your place on the platform beside her.

As it turned out, Jia was right. Your dance skills didn’t translate to being able to follow the directions of the arrows and match your feet to the appropriate pads on the floor.

“Shit, Jia, you weren’t kidding.”

“Years of practice.” She wasn’t even breaking a sweat, and she had set her difficulty to hard.

You lost spectacularly. Jia had a near-perfect score, while you received a 43%.

“Care to try again?” she asked.

“I’d rather watch you kick Jin’s ass,” you said. “Where are they, by the way?”

“I think they’re arriving soon. They had to drive separately since they need tinted windows. Paparazzi, you know?”

“Ah.”

You enjoyed watching Jia play against a few other crew members while nursing your drink. You much preferred this to going to the club like the crew normally did on Saturday nights. The crew seemed to relax more when it was just people from the tour.

Hanyuel had set up a makeshift bar on one of the ping pong tables and was handing out drink after drink. The others were being used for beer pong. Daejung, a member of the stage crew was absolutely dominating his counterpart, a camera man named Jay.

Two of the stylists you knew only by face played a racing game, while the resident personal trainer shot hoop after hoop at a basketball game. You still weren’t too familiar with the rest of the crew, but you knew they each played an integral role in the crazy traveling circus you’d been caught in.

As you were observing everyone, you caught movement out of the corner of your eye. All seven members were arriving through a side alley entrance. Once they made their way in, they received applause from the crew for having pulled off yet another amazing performance.

Polite as ever, they applauded the crew for having been instrumental in the show’s success. You could tell they still weren’t quite used to being applauded by people they considered friends and colleagues. Fans were one thing, but this was different.

You wanted to go up and say hi, but determined it was better to hang back and spend more time with the crew. You didn’t want to monopolize their time or attention. Besides, it was fun hanging with Jia and some of her friends.

After a few moments of greeting, the members spread out around the crowd. Hoseok made his way over to your group and challenged Jia to a dance off.

“I don’t know about that Hobi,” you warned. “I already made that mistake.”

“I’ll bet you 10 tokens I win,” said Hobi. You cringed in anticipation of his defeat.

He actually held is own against Jia. Apparently, he wasn’t a rookie like you had been, and he was pretty quick on his feet. You weren’t sure what you expected, but it definitely hadn’t been that.

Jia had years of experience, but Hoseok picked it up quickly, and he had more control over his body than she did. He lost the first round, but challenged her to a second and won.

“We’re tied. Best of three?” he said. “Winner take all.”

“You’re on.”

It was a tight race. They both amped up the difficulty level to expert and chose an up-beat song. Arrows flew across the screen at an alarming rate as they pounded a steady tattoo on the sensors at their feet. At first Jia was in the lead, but Hoseok surpassed her. Their feet moved fast and accurately, so much so that your eyes could barely follow their movements.

It was neck and neck. Most of the group was cheering for Jia, but Hoseok had a few supporters, Jimin being one of them. He’d just joined the crowd of onlookers, which had steadily increased in number as the game went on.

“You got this, Hope!” he shouted from beside you.

You looked over at him and he smiled back at you.

“Who do you think will win?” he asked.

“I don’t know. Jia’s got more experience, but Hobi’s fast. My bet’s on Jia.”

“I’ll take that bet,” he said holding out a hand. “One token.”

“Deal,” you agreed and shook his hand. It was the most contact you’d had with Jimin since the beginning of the tour. Had he noticed too?

In the end Hoseok won out by a margin of one percentage point. Jia made a show of begrudgingly handing over her tokens, which Hoseok took with glee. You grabbed Jimin by the wrist and pressed one of your own tokens into his palm.

“Thank you, ma’am,” he said. His smile was so bright that you couldn’t help but laugh. Even though you lost, you were happy that things finally felt normal between the two of you again. Like it had felt before everything had happened. It gave you hope that you could eventually get back to this place with Jungkook, too.

The crowd dispersed a little bit. Jimin went to go play a first-person shooter game with Yoongi. Hoseok and Namjoon were by the liquor table while Hanyuel poured each of them a drink, and Jia had gone off to find Tae, which gave you time to make your way around the room and talk to a few other people you’d gotten to know a bit over the last couple of months. You were on your third drink when you were pulled over to the karaoke booths with Tae, Jia, and Jin.

“I need you to lend me your vocal talents for a duet.”

“’Vocal talents’ is a bit of a reach, Jin,” you replied.

“Whatever you can bring to the table. Doesn’t have to be good. Please?” he said, extending the last word into a whine.

“Jin, I don’t think you know just how terrible of a singer I am,” you said.

“I don’t care! Be the worst singer possible! I just need someone to do a duet with me,” he said, sticking his lower lip out in a pout for extra effect. You were hit with the full force of Jin’s puppy-dog stare, and how could anyone say no to that?

“Suit yourself,” you said with a shrug. You looked around the room to see who was in the vicinity, not wanting to embarrass yourself in front of too many people, but it seemed like everyone else was off in their own world.

Clambering into the booth, you watched as Jin picked out the song he wanted. It was a ballad that you were familiar with. You already knew you wouldn’t be able to hit the high notes.

“Shit, Jin. This is going to be a disaster.” He chuckled in response.

“I think that’s the point.”

The music started. He began his part in a low tenor. As always, he sounded like an angel. He finished out his verse with no issue. Then came your turn. It took you three notes before you were already off-key.

You managed you get back on key before the end of the verse, and Jin had to take deep breaths to regain composure for his next verse since he’d been stifling laughter from the moment you began singing.

“You said you wouldn’t laugh!”

Karma was swift. He messed up his own verse because he couldn’t stop laughing. You figured you might as well just lean into it at that point, so when your next turn came around, you sang even louder, and much worse. Your voice cracked as you belted out a high note that was at least two notes below what it should have been.

Jin joined you, voice jumping up an octave. You both sang as loudly and as terribly as you could for the rest of the song, and when it ended, you were met with boos from the booth next door, where Taehyung and Jia had supposedly been playing (though you were pretty sure you hadn’t heard any singing coming from that booth).

“Thanks for being a good sport,” Jin said.

“Anytime.”

“I’ll save you from having to endure another game with me,” he said. “I think I’m going to get myself a drink.”

You breathed a sigh of relief. You didn’t think you could make it through another song. Your throat was already raw from the first one.

Jin was the first to exit the booth. You made to follow him when you just about ran headfirst into someone’s chest. You looked up to see Yoongi, grinning like the cat that caught the canary.

“Don’t tell me you caught that,” you said, backing into the book and making room for him to enter.

“When did you get so good at singing?” he asked. It took a moment for your brain to register his hand already planted firmly on your hip.

“Don’t,” you said, even though you couldn’t suppress the smile creeping along your face.

“No, really. I’ve never heard anyone sound so incredible,” he continued. “You simply must give me the name of your vocal coach.”

“Stop it,” you whined.

“Think you could give me some pointers?” he asked, placing his other hand over his chest. His tone was laced with false sincerity.

“God damn it, Yoongi,” you said, knowing he was relishing the opportunity to tease you. You crossed your arms in front of you and pouted. “Ha, ha. That’s very funny.”

“Forgive me,” he said, thumb brushing over your hipbone. You couldn’t help the blush that crept up your cheeks.

The intimacy of the moment wasn’t lost on Yoongi. His laughter died down to a smile as he placed the other hand on your opposite side. It was forward, even for Yoongi, but not unwelcome in the least.

Your back hit the wall of the karaoke booth, and you sank into it. Yoongi’s warmth and the dark of the booth giving you the odd feeling of hibernation.

“Hey,” he said, softening.

“Hey.”

You couldn’t help but smile in his presence. In all the chaos, Yoongi had become the only thing keeping you grounded.

In any other instance, this sort of touch would seem dangerous, but this one felt right in a way you couldn’t explain.

“How have you been?” he asked.

“I’ve been okay,” you said. “Better, at least. You?”

He ran his tongue along his teeth. His thumbs tightened their grip on your hips for just a moment.

You read that for what it was.

“Still having issues with the mixtape?” you asked.

He sighed and leaned into you. You stroked his back comfortingly.

“They postponed it again.” Ah. That would explain why he was extra touchy. He probably needed it just as much as you.

“How long?” you asked, stroking his back comfortingly.

“Indefinitely.”

“Fuck, man. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t know what I was expecting, to be honest,” he said, face still buried in your shoulder. “All the signs pointed to that outcome.”

“I don’t think it’s wrong to have expected them to keep their word.”

“Naïve, then.” He sank more of his weight against you.

“Do you want to go back to the hotel?” you asked. You’d talked to everyone you wanted to talk to. Besides, spending time with Yoongi sounded like less of a drain on your social battery. He nodded into your shoulder.

“Let’s go, then. I’ve had my fill of fun.”

You led him out of the karaoke booth and weaved in and out between the other crewmembers partaking in the various games the arcade had to offer.

Jimin and Tae were in the middle of a racing game. The tip of Jimin’s tongue poked out between his teeth in his concentration. You chuckled. He was cute.

Yoongi now led the way, rushing to the side door. You hurried to keep up with him, but stopped short when you caught sight of the basketball hoops.

Jungkook had his arms wrapped around Yeona, hands covering hers as she held the orange ball between them. He guided her movements, dipping down with a slight bend in the knees, and springing up to release the ball. It soared in the air, bouncing once on the rim of the hoop, and tipped to the side.

Yeona turned toward him, still in between his arms and pouted. He mirrored her pout before his lips pulled up into a bunny smile.

Long fingers wrapped around your wrist. You looked over to their owner. Yoongi stared at you intensely, making sure your focus was on him and not on the scene happening behind you.

He began to pull you once again towards the exit. This time, you kept your eyes on him, refusing to look back, no matter how much you wanted to.

Outside, a black SUV had pulled up to the door. Yoongi opened the door for you and guided you inside. You slid over to make room for him.

“Back to the hotel?” asked the driver. You guessed these were their own personal chauffeurs, rather than the hotel shuttle the rest of the crew used.

“Yes, thank you,” Yoongi said, and slipped a folded bill to the driver.

The SUV pulled away from the city block. Streetlights passed by as you made your way back to the hotel in relative silence.

Images of Jungkook and Yeona staring at each other replayed in your head.

Fuck.

Your nails dug themselves into your palms.

You’d thought it was just a one-night thing. You didn’t think there was anything between the two of them.

A lump rose in your throat.

Yoongi squeezed your hand again. You looked back at him, and he offered up a somber smile.

There was nothing you could do about it now. You resolved to be present with Yoongi, rubbing the back of his hand with your thumb and trying to mirror his sentiment.

The ride to the hotel was quiet, both you and Yoongi content to exist separate, but alongside one another.

When you pulled up to the hotel, Yoongi escorted you by the hand through the lobby, into the elevators, and down the hallway, coming to a stop before the door to his suite.

He took a few minutes to fumble around in his wallet for his keycard. “Which hotel are we at again?” he asked, He flipped through what looked to be all the key cards he had used while on tour.

“You don’t turn them in at checkout?” you asked, scandalized.

“Don’t tell mom,” he said with a cheeky grin. “Ah, it’s this one.”

He pulled out a bright blue and yellow key card and shoved it into the slot on his door before the small lights on the panel lit up green. He just barely cracked the door open before stopping and turning to you.

“Do you want to come in?” he asked.

You recognized the real question hidden beneath his words. It was the first time either of you were openly acknowledging the possibilities that existed just beyond that door. There was no telling what would happen if you spent the night with him. For a brief second, you contemplated cutting the night short and going back to your room.

A knot twisted in your stomach, but you knew your answer.

“Yes,” you said firmly.

He scanned your face, looking for any cracks in your resolve, and when he found none, he nodded.

He just barely got the door open a few more centimeters, however, when the door across the hall opened.

“Oh!” said a soft voice behind you.

Looking over your shoulder, you watched Hoseok’s eyes as they looked from you to Yoongi, and then to your intertwined hands. A parade of emotions flitted over his facial features. Surprise. Confusion. Disappointment.

“Walk away,” Yoongi said before Hoseok had a chance to finish registering.

“Yoongi…,” he said with a note of accusation.

“This doesn’t concern you.” Yoongi’s voice was firm. Determined.

“Don’t do this.” Hoseok’s eyes were pleading. You knew he desperately wanted to finish out the tour without any more drama.

Yoongi turned to you. He brought your joined hands to his lips. “Go wait in the room,” he said softly. “I’ll just be a minute.”

You made no move.

Yoongi sighed again. “Okay fine. Stay here then.”

He turned again to Hoseok. “I know what this looks like. And you’re right. But it’s more complicated than that.”

“What’s complicated about it? You heard what Namjoon said. We all agreed.”

“I know, okay? I’m aware.”

“So then what are you doing?”

“Look. I get that you’re not happy about this, but you need to walk away.”

Hoseok looked taken aback. Yoongi had never outright gone against Namjoon’s wishes. He seemed at a loss for words for a moment, finally sighing and shaking his head. “I can’t lie for you.”

“I’m not asking you to. Just don’t go out of your way to tell anyone what you saw.”

“You know who I’m worried about,” he said.

“If he finds out, I’ll deal with it.”

You could see Hoseok was backed into a corner on this one, and you hated that the two of you were doing that to him, but you shared the same stance as Yoongi on this one.

When the realization that he had no other options fully dawned on Hoseok, he rolled his eyes.

“If he outright asks, I can’t help you.”

“Good enough for me,” Yoongi said with an air of finality, and abruptly grabbed your hand once more, pulling you into the room with him. You had just enough time to register the disappointment that had reappeared on Hoseok’s face. You hoped he could one day forgive you for this.

You hoped you could forgive yourself.

____

Once inside, the energy shifted to something quieter. The air between the two of you grew heavy.

You didn’t realize you were waiting for Yoongi to take the lead until he finally spoke.

“I, uh…, still have that other joint. If you wanted to finish it.”

“Oh! Yeah, actually. That would be great. Thank you.”

Yoongi went to rifle around in his suitcase, ultimately procuring a glasses case. Inside was the joint and a lighter.

It was oddly intimate, seeing where he stored his drugs. Like you were one of the only people he’d ever shared that little bit of information with.

“Shall we?” he asked, gesturing for you to follow him into the bathroom of the suite.

Inside, he turned the shower on its hottest setting, allowing the room to fill up with steam before flicking on the vent fan.

“Where’d you learn this trick?” you asked.

“Back home in Daegu,” he said. “I smoked a lot to deal with the stress of living with my parents. In the winters, it would be too cold to go outside, so sometimes I would smoke in the shower to hide the smell. You?”

“In college,” you said. “My roommate taught me a bunch of ways to cover the smell.”

“What was your go-to?” he asked.

“Fabric softener in a toilet paper roll.”

He chuckled, placing the end of the joint between his lips and lighting it. “Nice,” he said, still holding his breath while the smoke filled his lungs, before finally exhaling a cloud of smoke. It curled into the air before being sucked up by the vent fan along with the rest of the shower steam.

He passed the joint to you. You took a drag, immediately feeling the relaxation set in. It was much-needed.

You weren’t sure why you were going through with this. The logical side of you knew that it was objectively a bad idea, yet you also knew that there was no way in hell you were backing out. You were done suffering. You needed a break, even if it was just for the night. You owed yourself that much, consequences be damned.

“Sorry about Hoseok,” he said.

Whether it was the weed or the situation, you couldn’t help but snort.

“I’m sorry,” you said, recovering. “But could his timing possibly be worse?”

Yoongi shrugged, grinning at you.

You sank down to the bathroom floor, resting your back against the tub. He followed, sitting beside you.

“Tell the truth,” you asked. “Are we in deep shit?”

Yoongi said nothing, but the corners of his mouth pulled down in an exaggerated wince. You took another deep drag, held it in for a few moments, and exhaled, offering the joint to him.

He took one more drag before squeezing the cherry out from the end and placing the half-spent joint on the counter. Then he wrapped his hand around yours. You chanced a glance up at him. He was focused on where his thumb swiped back and forth across yours.

“One, two, three, four,” he muttered. “I declare a thumb war.”

You sprang to action, trying in vain to wrap your thumb around his. You managed to evade him for a few seconds before his long fingers ultimately won out and pinned your thumb down against your intertwined hands.

After savoring his victory, he resumed caressing your hand with his.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen, to be honest,” he said and stood, offering you his other hand. He pulled you to your feet with a surprising amount of strength. “But when it does, we’ll deal with it the best we can.”

He turned the shower off and led you over to the bed, where you sat.

“Need anything to sleep in?” he asked.

“That would be great. Thanks.”

Once again, he rifled around in his luggage, this time producing an oversized cotton shirt and a pair of gray sweats.

For a moment, you considered going to the bathroom to change. Were you ready for him to see you? He already had done so once, back in LA after your drunken rendezvous, but this felt different. This meant something.

You looked over to Yoongi, who had pulled out another soft cotton shirt. Without glancing at you, he stripped off the one he was wearing.

You’d seen him shirtless, but you were drunk for that and couldn’t remember too much.

He was pale. Slender.

His abdomen sloped down from soft ribs to the slightest bit of pudge right below his navel. A very faint scar ran across his right side, right next to his hip bone.

That was as much studying of his body as you could do before bare skin was replaced with black cotton.

His hands dropped to his belt. Long fingers slipped the leather out of the buckle with ease before working the button on his jeans. He slid his pants down his thighs to reveal generic plaid boxers. He placed the discarded clothes in a pile next to his suitcase and looked at you.

“Okay if I sleep in my boxers?”

“Yeah,” you croaked past a mouth that was suddenly drier than before. “That’s fine.”

He nodded. You waited a beat.

He continued to observe you, patient. It was your turn. Taking a breath to steady yourself, you unbuttoned your jeans and pushed them off your hips. You could hear Yoongi inhale sharply through his nose, but you didn’t dare look at him. You didn’t have to—you could feel his gaze boring into your skin.

You didn’t give him too much time before you replaced your jeans with the sweatpants he’d lent you, though you also didn’t hesitate before pulling your top over your head. After a moment’s pause, you decided to remove your bra.

His adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard, but that was the only break in his poker façade. You gave him a moment to take in the sight of you, as he had done, before slipping the white cotton shirt over your head and finally meeting his gaze.

He looked at you calmly, but with intention. Like he wanted you to know he was looking at you on purpose.

He gestured for you to get in the bed, which you did while he fetched two large glasses of water.

“Room service?” he asked.

You smiled. “I’m not hungry, but I could go for a cup of chamomile.”

“Coming right up.”

His suite was equipped with an electric kettle and an assortment of teas. As Yoongi busied himself filling it and heating up the water, you took the opportunity to snuggle into his king-sized bed.

Pressing your toes into the sheets, the soft pillow-topped mattress sank down beneath you. The sheets were cool to the touch; the down comforter on top of you warm and heavy.

The bedding smelled like expensive detergent—the kind that barely smelled like anything. You caught a whiff of lavender and sandalwood. Searching for the source, you found a large white candle on the desk across from the bed.

“Did you bring a candle with you?” you asked.

“Came in a gift basket sent by the hotel,” he said, not looking up from where he was preparing the tea bag.

Funny, you had always assumed hotels didn’t allow candles, but you supposed the rules were different for celebrities.

“Can I light it?” you asked.

He shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

You hopped out of bed and grabbed the lighter off the bathroom counter. Candles were a comfort you didn’t realized you’d missed so much while on the road.

It wasn’t three minutes before the room had been enveloped in the soothing aroma. Yoongi inhaled deeply as he brought two mugs of tea over to the bed.

“I’ve never been much of a lavender guy, but this one isn’t half bad.”

“Really?” you asked, taking a steaming mug from his outstretched hand and sitting up cross-legged in the bed.

“You seem surprised,” he said, sipping his own mug.

“I don’t know,” you said. “I never pictured you being so particular.”

“I’ve just always preferred woody and musky over floral.”

“Ah,” you said, scooting over to make room for him. He sat facing you, cross-legged on the bed. His hair was slightly mussed from when he changed earlier and you couldn’t think of a time when he looked more real to you.

“So do you want to talk about it?” you asked. “The label?”

“Not really,” he said in between sips of tea. “I’ve had to process enough disappointment this tour. I think I’m going to find some joy first.”

“That sounds like much better idea.”

He smiled sideways and lifted his mug up in salute. You followed.

“Joy’s been hard to come by these days,” you said.

He sighed. “It’s hard when your version of joy doesn’t match up with the things that are supposed to be fun.” He used air quotes around ‘supposed to.’

“What do you mean?”

“The arcade. I know it’s Hanyuel’s way of helping everyone blow off steam and have fun. And it’s not that it’s not fun. But it’s just…,”

“...not the kind of fun you need?” you asked.

He nodded.

“What kind of fun do you need?” you asked.

He glanced over at you, deadpanning.

A bundle of nerves tugged at your stomach.

Oh. Right.

“How’re we doing on time?” he asked.

You looked back at the clock behind him. It was nearing midnight.

“I’d say we have probably an hour before he finds out. Two if we’re lucky.”

“Better make it count, then.”

It was your turn to raise your mug in salute. You drained the remainder of your tea and handed him the mug to set beside him on the end table, along with his own.

Then he stretched out on the bed and wiggled a bit until he felt comfortable. “Come here.”

You wasted no time in snuggling into his side. With your head on his chest, you could hear his heartbeat racing. He was nervous too. The fact gave you some sense of comfort.

“It okay if we just stay like this for a while?” you asked.

“Sounds perfect to me,” he said, stroking your hair with his palm. “We don’t have to do anything, you know.”

“I know,” you said, lacing your fingers through his. “Thank you.”

He nuzzled his nose into your hair, punctuating the action with a kiss on your head. You snuggled lower into the bed, pulling the covers up to your shoulder, heart fluttering in temporary safety. “Can we listen to something?” you asked.

“Like what? Music? Podcast?”

You shrugged. “Anything is fine.”

He took out his phone and connected it to a Bluetooth speaker on his nightstand. “Ambient jazz okay?”

“Perfect.”

The first few notes of a soft piano melody played through the speakers, slow and romantic. The kind you could see yourself swaying back and forth to with a lover. A kind of dance that was entirely foreign to you. You’d taken lessons on every single style of dance you could find. Perfected choreography with the technical skills of a master. And yet you’d never done the simplest of dances. The kind that erupts spontaneously between two people who simply want to connect.

You could see it happening with Yoongi. It would be so easy with him. Almost effortless.

You wished the timing had been better. That you’d connected with Yoongi first before everything with Jungkook had happened. That you didn’t have a mess of emotion to clean up before you could even consider being with anyone, let alone your best friend.

At least you had tonight. In his room, burrowed under his sheets, with his arm around you, you could forget about all of that, at least for the moment. And you were determined to make the most of it.

“Yoongi?” you asked.

“Mmm—yeah?” he mumbled, voice thick with near sleep.

You didn’t know what you wanted to say. ‘I love you?’ ‘Kiss me?’ ‘Stay here forever?’

“Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

_________

People often told Hoseok that he worried too much. That he needs to assume that things will be okay, but the truth is that Hoseok could smell out trouble long before anyone else. He clenched his fists as he paced back and forth at the hotel bar, trying to figure out if he should warn Namjoon about what was likely to happen.

What would Namjoon even be able to do? Make sure Jungkook stays clear in case they come out of the room? Keep him out so that he wouldn’t have to hear anything through the hotel’s thin walls?

He scrubbed a palm over his hand for the millionth time and ordered himself a drink.

He told Yoongi he would stay out of it. And stay out of it he will. And when shit inevitably hits the fan, he is going to keep his head down and mind his business until this unlucky tour is over and he can finally catch a break.

_________

You must have drifted off, because when you next opened your eyes, the room was dark. The light was off, and Yoongi had blown out the candle on the nightstand. The music continued to play softly through the speaker as you scanned the room for what had woken you up.

Slowly, your consciousness drifted downwards, to the thigh resting between your knees.

You inhaled deeply and squeezed your eyes shut. It was mere inches from you. God, it was like the universe was taunting you. Doing everything it could do to get you to crack under the pressure.

You shifted slightly, trying to ease some of the discomfort that was only growing more pronounced by the second. It did nothing to quell the ache.

Could you roll over without waking Yoongi? Move to the other side of the bed? Even go to the bathroom to relieve yourself? Hell, if the coast was clear, you could even go to your room without anyone noticing.

You shifted again, body begging for you to do something. His thigh was right there, tucked neatly in between yours.

Was Yoongi awake? You glanced over at the clock on the nightstand. It had been an hour and a half since you’d gone to bed. He must be asleep, right? He wouldn’t have stayed up that late. You wanted to check, but you didn’t want to disturb him.

You shifted once more, trying in vain to ease the tension that had begun to take over your whole form.

Alas.

That must have been one too many times, because without warning, Yoongi tightened his hold on you. You froze in place, breathing as quietly and gently as possible.

Slowly, without moving anything else, Yoongi hiked his leg up so that his thigh rested firmly against you.

You couldn’t stop the breath that hitched in your throat.

It was as if you were frozen in time.

“Move,” he whispered.

“Okay.”

You fisted your hand into the neck of his shirt and rocked into him. And the part of you that had been drowning for months finally surfaced for air.

You rolled your hips again and a whimper fell from you lips. Fuck, it was needed. After weeks of denying yourself, you could almost cry out in gratitude.

Yoongi’s hand wrapped firmly around your thigh and hoisted it up over his hips. You could feel him already hard beneath you and wondered how long he’d been awake. Had he woken up when you did? Was he wrestling with the same indecisiveness about what needed to happen between the two of you?

But then he climbed on top of you, and you had a hard time remembering what you’d even been thinking about because his hands had braced themselves on either side of your arms and his face hovered over yours, his breaths labored. Fuck. Shit.

“This okay?” he whispered, lips just barely brushing against yours, and you skin vibrated where he touched it.

Ah.

“Yeah,” you breathed, struggling to stay aware of your surroundings, because his hips had now taken the place of his thigh and they were grinding into you.

Yoongi wrapped one of his perfect hands around the back of your neck and slid his thumb along the column of your throat, up towards your jaw and over to your mouth.

“I remember this,” you muttered against it as he traced over your lips.

“Is that so?” he asked, stretching your bottom lip towards your chin, taking in its softness. “You gave me hell that day,” he said, hooking his thumb around your bottom row of teeth and using force to open your mouth even wider, just as he had done back in LA the first time you’d smoked together.

“I give you hell every day,” you countered.

He rocked into you, causing you to jolt upwards at the contact. You were extra sensitive. “One of my favorite things about you.”

You arched back, exposing more of your throat to him, which he gladly attached his lips to. Pulling you closer with one arm, he grabbed your hand with the other and pinned it above your head before caressing you from wrist to waist. Once he got to the hem of your (his) shirt, he wasn’t shy about slipping his hand underneath and cupping your breast.

He immediately realized that this level of contact wasn’t quite enough for him, and before you had time to process what was happening, he had slipped the shirt entirely off your body, lips coming to close around a nipple.

“Aren’t we eager?” you teased.

“It has been two years since I’ve had a titty in my mouth,” he murmured, not bothering to remove his lips from you as he said it. You grinned at his cheekiness and cradled his head in your hands, taking in how the strands of his hair slipped easily past your fingers. You’d have to ask him later what conditioner he used.

Sighs escaped from your throat almost without your notice. Saliva pooled in your mouth and you had to swallow thickly to accommodate the excess. Yoongi’s tongue circled your nipple, gently sucking and causing it to pebble between his lips.

Once he was satisfied with the first, he moved over to the second, giving it equal attention. With one final long suck, he backed off your breasts, admiring his work for a moment before taking one in each hand and pushing them together, at which you had to laugh.

“Can I help you?” you asked.

“Oh, you already are,” he said before planting his face in the cleavage he had made.

Yoongi was, by all rights, a kid in a candy store.

“You have the best boobs, you know that?” he said, voice muffled on either side by your breasts.

“Can we continue, or are you just going to play with my boobs all day?” you asked.

He finally looked up and caught your eye. “It’s tempting,” he said, before reattaching his lips to your neck and nipping at the skin.

At the same time, he hooked your thigh over his hip and rocked into you once again, and immediately, you were back under his spell, marveled at how Yoongi could oscillate back and forth between two seemingly polar opposites. He was sexually assertive while still retaining a playful innocence you would find refreshing, if it weren’t for the fact that he kept getting distracted. Then again, perhaps you were too goal-oriented, and could stand to have some fun exploring his body as well.

“Yoongi,” you whispered.

“Mmm?”

“Take this off,” you said, tugging at the hem of his shirt. He removed it swiftly, the warmth of his chest now pressing against yours.

_________

Jungkook downed yet another shot of vodka.

“Do you want to go back to your room?” Yeona asked.

“No,” he scowled, not looking at her.

“Can you please not be like this?” she pleaded. “I just want to have a good time.”

He shrugged. “Go find someone else, then.”

He fully knew he was being an ass and she didn’t deserve it, but he wasn’t in the mood to be courteous.

She sighed and stomped off. He’d have to apologize to her later, but he couldn’t think about that now.

Yeona, as nice as she was, was no longer serving her purpose of helping him forget about you. And how could she, really? It was impossible. You were everywhere. Everything reminded him of you.

From the moment you began working at the company, you drove him crazy. Everything about you captured his attention. But you’d always been so by-the-book. Your commitment to professional boundaries rivaled even Namjoon’s. There was no way in hell he even stood a chance.

No way in hell, until that day in rehearsal, when you crashed into his world in a very real way and shook him to his core. From that moment on, all he could think about was you.

He could hear any song and think of how your hips swayed when you danced. Someone would tell him a joke or a funny story, and all he could do was think about the way you’d laugh if you were there to hear it. At night, whether it’s his hand or Yeona’s lips wrapped around himself, all he could see was your cheeks hollowed out as you sucked him.

So when he caught sight of Yoongi’s hand clasped over your wrist, pulling you out the door, it struck him like a hammer to the chest.

That had been over an hour ago. Neither of you had come back.

He poured himself another a shot. _______

“How’s that?”

“Shhh, it’s fine. Just don’t stop.”

Yoongi’s face was buried between your thighs, lapping at you like a man dying of thirst and you were a desert oasis. He had his first two fingers inside of you, sliding over your g-spot while his tongue performed unholy acts on your clit.

“Faster,” you pleaded. Without hesitation, he picked up his pace. You were already hurling towards climax, but you had no intention of holding back, and neither did Yoongi.

You dug your fingers into his scalp and pulled him closer.

_________

Namjoon had seen Jungkook drunk before, but something was off with him this time. On the surface, he looked like he was having fun, but there was an undercurrent of intensity that spelled trouble.

After leading the group for so long, identifying signs that something was off had become second nature to Namjoon.

Jungkook had been acting weird the entire tour, so he knew something was up. He suspected it had something to do with you, but he wasn’t sure of all the details.

“Taehyung!” he called over when the younger man flitted across his periphery.

“What’s up?”

“Do you know what’s been going on with Jungkook?” he asked.

Taehyung sighed.

“I don’t know, man. Something’s up with him. I thought he was fine last week, but I’m not so sure.”

“Keep an eye on him for me tonight, would you? Make sure he doesn’t get into trouble. He’s been hitting the liquor pretty heavily.”

“Sure thing, boss.”

Somehow Taehyung’s reassurance didn’t ease the sinking feeling in Namjoon’s gut.

_______

“Fuck, just like that,” Yoongi growled out.

He was on his back as you knelt between his legs and massaged his balls. Saliva trickled down your chin, but you kept a steady rhythm while you sucked. Every once in a while, he’d jolt forward and slam into the back of your throat, causing you to cough and sputter, but he was gaining more and more control over his movements, while you gradually relaxed into it, finally able to find a rhythm that worked.

His hands moved on their own accord, raking themselves through your hair, grabbing fistfuls and pulling you towards him, before moving down to caress your face or massage your shoulders.

His breathing sped up, chest rising and falling beautifully, eyes screwed tightly shut in concentration. You watched while his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down whenever he swallowed.

“Fuck, I’m not gonna last,” he hissed through gritted teeth. “Please?”

Hearing him beg did something to you. You doubled down on your movements, letting him hit the back of your throat over and over.

“GOD! Fuck! Damn it!”

His hips began to thrust into you. You tried your best to accommodate the movement, knowing he wouldn’t last much longer.

“Shit, baby, please?”

The pet name caused your lower abdomen to tense up with want. You never thought he’d call you ‘baby’ but hearing it gave you such immense satisfaction. At that moment, your singular purpose was to give him the best blowjob of his life. He fucking deserved it.

You relaxed your throat even more, allowing him to go as deep as he wanted. Tears streamed down your face and you had no room to even breathe, but you held out.

“Fuck, I’m gonna come,” he grunted.

He’d barely gotten the words out when his hands gripped either side of your head, his hips sputtered, and ropes of hot cum shot down your throat. You stayed and dutifully swallowed it all before finally coming up for air.

He immediately pulled you down on the bed with him and began peppering kisses all along your neck.

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,” he said in between kisses to your sweat-logged skin. You barely even heard, still trying in vain to catch your breath.

He buried his forehead into your shoulder and caressed you as your breathing returned to normal.

“I have never appreciated anyone in my life more than I appreciate you right now, at this moment,” he mumbled into your collarbone, punctuating it with a kiss. And you knew that was an exaggeration, but you also believed he meant it more than he didn’t.

“Yoongi?” you breathed.

“Yeah?”

“Kiss my neck.”

You knew you could stop now, but there was so much more of him you wanted, no needed, to experience.

Yoongi complied eagerly, nipping at the soft skin as you arched your back and revelled in the sensation. There were no thoughts. Nothing existed outside this room. There was only Yoongi, consuming you with a fiery passion. You wished the night would never end. Morning would never come and you could stay there with him forever. Nothing would make you happier.

________

“Where the fuck is she?!” Jungkook shouted as he punched the target. It swung upwards, locking into place at the top of its swing while the machine calculated his points. He received the highest score of anyone so far that night.

“Easy, man. Relax. She’s probably back at the hotel. You know she doesn’t do large crowds unless she’s dancing.”

Taehyung patted his friend’s shoulder, trying to soothe him the best he could. He’d been trying to do that all night, but it was no use. Jungkook was spiraling out of control. Taehyung knew he had to get him back to his room fast, but he didn’t want to risk crossing paths with you or Yoongi and setting him off even worse.

“Come on. Why don’t we go back to the hotel and order some food?”

“I’m not hungry,” Jungkook insisted, but followed out the door anyway.

As he loaded Jungkook into the cab, he pulled out his phone to text Namjoon.

[Taehyung 2:13 AM: You'd better come back to the hotel. I think we're in for a rough night.]

_______

“Condoms?” you panted. Yoongi looked up from where he’d been nuzzling below your jaw. “If you can go again, that is.”

“Yeah,” he breathed, hopping off the bed. He rummaged around in his suitcase and produced a small convenience store bag with a brand new box of condoms. He paused to deliberate for a second and then reached back in to grab a small bottle of lube. You couldn’t help but smile.

“When did you buy this?” you asked.

“Honest answer?” he said. You nodded.

“The day we left LA. I paid a staff member to go out and grab some for me.”

“I never would have guessed. You practically ignored me after that day.”

He smiled, climbing back onto the bed. “Had to make you work for it. You were too entitled.”

“Min Yoongi!” you scolded, shocked.

“Don’t give me that,” he said, hand coming to rest on your pubic bone while his thumb glided between your folds. You arched into his touch. “You know all too well you were totally spoiled with attention by the time you made your way to me. That’s why you were so shocked when I denied you.”

Something about what he said stuck with you. He was right, and it was a truth that had been too painful to confront until now.

“Hey,” he said softly. “Don’t let it get to you, okay? You made mistakes, but you’ve also learned from them. That says a lot more about you than you realize.”

You looked back up at him and you could tell he meant it.

“Plus, you’re already serving your sentence. Don’t punish yourself more than you need to, okay?”

You exhaled through your nose, determined. “Okay.”

“Okay.” He took a condom out from the box. “Help me with this?”

______

Yoongi groaned as he pushed into you. Fuck, he needed this. Holy shit, did he need this.

A small part of him felt a little guilty. He knew he was betraying Namjoon’s trust. And if he were honest with himself, that devastated him. But he also knew that there was no way around this.

Fingernails dug into his hips. You let out a shy gasp as he pushed into you again.

He wanted to be the obedient one. The team player. Like Hoseok. Or Seokjin. Or Namjoon. And ninety-nine percent of the time, he was. But every once in a while, he needed some grace.

It was exhausting, having to look out for so many people’s interests. There were people whose livelihoods depended on him behaving in a way becoming of a public figure. Yours, even.

It’s not that he minded all the time. He enjoyed his role. But he had needs.

Sexual needs, sure. But he could take care of those on his own. He needed connection.

What he really wanted was to connect with his fans through music. He knew there were people who would hear his tracks and understand him. He needed to be known, and that was hard to come by these days.

But then he hung out with you, and for once, he felt understood. There was something—a vibe you shared when it was just the two of you—that took a little bit of the sting away. And there in that bedroom, with you panting beneath him? It had been a long time since he’d felt so connected to anyone.

You let a breathy moan slip past your lips, and for all the work he’s done on his vocals, he knew he’d never produce a sound quite as intoxicating.

He bent over you, resting his weight on his forearms while he cradled the back of your neck between his hands, your skin slick with sweat. You had your entire body wrapped around him, nails digging into his shoulders and legs crossed over his hips.

In Yoongi’s opinion, you had never looked more beautiful. Or vulnerable. Seeing you look up at him through half-lidded eyes, already fucked out but so eager for more affected him more than he cared to let on.

Up until recently, he never paid you much thought. Of course, he’d found you attractive, but he never would have guessed you’d have anything in common. You always seemed so focused on dancing—a part of the job he loathed—that he never even bothered to start a conversation with you. He came into contact with so many attractive people that they all seemed to blend together.

That was, until he watched you slam back two shots of bottom-shelf whiskey, one right after the other. And then suddenly, you went from being a background character to a Real Person.

That night, you’d appeared in his fantasies as he was getting himself off. And many nights since. He thought about how you’d feel sheathed around him. How you would taste. What your moans would sound like. How your nipples would feel in his mouth. He thought about your body as if it were his own personal playground, and everything he wanted to do to it.

But as great as his fantasies were, they were nothing compared to you now.

You whined again as he pushed further into you, pussy sucking him in, swallowing him whole. You looked so innocent beneath him. Soft and supple and absolutely breathtaking. He couldn’t help himself from wrapping a hand around your throat. As soon as he did, you moaned and your eyes rolled back into your head.

“You like that?” he breathed, hoping he sounded sexy, but it was an honest question. Did you want him to choke you?

“Yes,” you moaned again, nodding enthusiastically.

He began slow, still sliding in and out of you ever so gently, making sure his grip on your throat wasn’t too tight. Your breath hitched as he moved. God, he fucking needed you. Needed to draw every gasp and moan out of you that he could. Needed to scratch and bite and absolutely ruin you.

“Yoongi?” Your voice came out high and needy and it just about broke him.

“Yeah baby?”

God, he’d never get over the way you sigh his name.

“I need more.”

Anything for you.

He sped up his movements, gripping your throat tighter as he went. Fuck, you were going to be the death of him.

_________

“She’s a liar!” Jungkook half-sobbed into Taehyung’s shoulder while the older man soothed him. They were back in Taehyung’s room, empty bowls of spicy noodles long forgotten. “She lied about everything! About wanting to focus on her career and not get distracted. About nothing going on between her and Yoongi. And then she goes off with him!”

He put extra emphasis on ‘him,’ as if he’d been using a slur.

“Jungkook, man, you’ve got to calm down, okay? You’re assuming a lot of things right now. We don’t know anything for sure until we’ve talked to them. So why don’t you get some rest and we’ll figure it out in the morning?”

“How can I sleep when all I can think about is what they’re doing?”

“Come on, man,” Taehyung pleaded. “Please, just stop thinking about it and go to bed. I am begging you. Nothing good is going to come out of staying angry all night. We have a performance tomorrow.”

Jungkook inhaled and exhaled through his nose for a few minutes before finally sighing and dropping his shoulders.

“You’re right,” he said at last. “I think I’m gonna go to my room.”

“I’ll walk you there.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll be fine,” Jungkook reassured him.

“Promise? You’ll text if you need anything?”

“Promise.”

Jungkook sighed and left Taehyung’s room, fully intending to sleep as long as he possibly could. He was coming down off the liquor now and knew he was going to be in for a massive hangover tomorrow, as well as a lecture from Namjoon about binge drinking. But he could at least get some rest before he had to face the next day.

He slumped forward, trudging the short distance between Taehyung’s room and his when he heard it and his heart stopped.

He’d recognize that moan anywhere. He paused, listening for it again, this time pressing his ear to the door to see if he may have been imagining things.

Though it was muffled, it was unmistakably yours. He’d heard it on more than one occasion. He could practically see you under him, making those exact sounds. Those were your ‘fuck me harder’ moans.

He double-checked the room number to confirm. Yoongi’s room.

All the rage he’d worked so hard to suppress over the last hour flared up in seconds. You were unbelievable. After all that talk about wanting to focus on your career? Kicking him out after he fucking poured his heart out to you? This was a whole new level of betrayal.

Jungkook snapped.

“Yoongi! Open this fucking door right now!” he shouted, fist pounding as hard as it could against the solid wood. “Yoongi! I know you’re in there! At least look me in the face like a man while you stab me in the back!”

His fists never let up. Within seconds, several doors flew open. Hoseok’s was the first. He tried to pry Jungkook away, but the younger man easily overpowered him.

“Namjoon!” he called.

Almost instantly Namjoon was there, along with Taehyung and Jin. Together, the four of them were able to pull him away from the door.

“You fucking coward! You liar!” he shouted, this time half-sobbing.

“Get him to my room,” Namjoon directed the other members. “I’ll calm him down.”

"She's a liar," he sobbed once again. It came out quieter and more defeated. "She lied."

"I know, buddy. I know," Namjoon soothed as he dragged his friend towards his room.

Jungkook's sobs continued to echo down the hallway as he was dragged off. ________

“Yoongi! Open this fucking door right now!”

“Shit!” you whispered. The loud rapping on the door from Jungkook’s fists caused you to bolt upright, almost knocking face-first into Yoongi.

“I think he found out,” Yoongi said grimly, still holding on tight to you.

You trembled. You could hear the anguish in Jungkook’s voice. He sounded drunk. It was almost too much for you.

“Hey,” Yoongi said, pulling your chin towards him. “Eyes on me, okay? Stay with me.”

You nodded, trying to tune out the yelling coming from the other side of the door, but it was practically impossible.

“You fucking coward! You liar!” you heard Jungkook’s muffled shouts and it took everything in you to ignore him. You could tell he was talking to you directly and your heart shattered in real time.

“There’s nothing we can do about it now, okay? We will deal with it tomorrow. Tonight is for us, remember?”

You nodded, but couldn’t help the tears welling up behind your eyes.

“Shhh,” he soothed. “Stay with me, babygirl. I’ve got you.”

You paused your movements, Yoongi slowed his rhythm inside of you.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” you said, kissing the palm of his hand that rested on your cheek.

“Want me to keep going?”

“Yeah.”

He picked up his pace once again. You fought to stay in the moment and not let what was going on outside distract you.

“Yoongi?” you asked.

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me?”

This was the most vulnerable you’d been since that night back in LA with Jungkook, when you asked him to kiss you. And for half a second, you worried Yoongi would deny you the way Jungkook had.

But half a second was all Yoongi needed before he captured your lips in his.

You briefly registered the sounds of Jungkook being led to another room by what sounded like Namjoon, but after that, all you could focus on was the way Yoongi glided his tongue along your bottom lip, and you melted into it.

Yoongi was right. There wasn’t anything you could do about it now. Tonight was for you, and you were going to make it count. You did your best to stuff Jungkook to the back of your mind and concentrate solely on what was taking place right now.

It suddenly registered that this was the first time you and Yoongi had kissed. For all the teasing and touching you’d done, you’d somehow glossed over this bit of intimacy entirely.

You wrapped your arms around the back of his neck to deepen the kiss. He tasted like whiskey and cigarettes. Harsher than you were used to, but not in a way you minded. His mouth moved in tandem with yours and you were content to let him take the lead, because you wanted nothing more than to drown in him.

He nipped at your bottom lip and you opened for him, granting his tongue entrance. He licked along the roof of your mouth, meeting your tongue with his.

At the same time, his thumb traveled down to draw circles over your clit. He continued to thrust into you, and between his hands, his cock, and his mouth, you were in full sensory heaven, unable to form a single thought.

He sucked your bottom lip into his mouth, scraping over it with his teeth before capturing your lips in another wet, open-mouthed kiss, and you were very quickly overcome with such gratitude for his presence in your life. What you did to deserve him right now, you had absolutely no idea, but you wanted to do everything you possibly could to cherish him in that moment.

The kiss became less coordinated as his movements sped up, sometimes consisting of your lips connecting for a period of time while you both focused on the sensations happening elsewhere, and sometimes devolving into the two of you licking and sucking and biting any flesh you came into contact with.

Your hands roamed all over his body, searching for anything you could grab hold of. His speed continued to gain momentum, and you couldn’t help but scrape your nails down his back as he fucked himself into you. He moaned into your mouth, voice rough and gravelly and hollow.

His hands came to rest once again on your neck, using it as leverage to pull himself in deeper. He pulled back from the kiss to look at you, his eyes dark, wild, and half-focused on something you suspected wasn't even in the room. His hands pulsed around your throat, wanting to squeeze tighter, but not wanting to hurt you, while his movements grew sloppy.

Yoongi was fighting to stay in control, afraid of what he might do if he gave in to his most primal urges. You didn't want him to hold back. You wanted to see him at his most stripped down and vulnerable. You covered his hands with yours and squeezed them tighter around you.

He furrowed his brow in question, unable to form coherent thoughts but needing to make sure it was okay. You nodded, squeezing your hands even tighter over his.

It did not take him long to catch on. His movements sped up and his grip around your throat tightened. He gritted his teeth, pouring all his anger and bitterness into fucking you. You inclined your head to give him more room and smiled to yourself, relishing in the Min Yoongi you were receiving. This was Min Yoongi in his rawest form. Furious. Rough. Unrestrained. Empowered. He shared with you the very core of his being and you bathed yourself in it, needing it to consume you.

He fucked into you with all the speed and power he could muster, slamming over and over again with uncontained rage at everything he’d been forced to put up with for nearly a decade. All the broken promises and forced isolation. All the hours spent in meetings and learning dances and doing everything but what he truly wanted to do.

And in turn, you gave him everything, etching all your disappointment and frustration and regret into his back with your fingernails. Each mark you left was a story of a time you’d been failed by the people who were supposed to show up for you. Times you’d failed to show up for yourself. Times you’d failed to show up for the people you loved. You carved them into his skin with as much force as you could muster, sure you’d made him bleed.

“Why?” he growled through gritted teeth. It was low, barely audible, and you didn’t know the answer, but you nodded. You wanted to answer him. Tell him you didn’t know why either of you were going through what you were going through, but you could barely get anything past the vice-like grip he had on your throat.

“Why?” he asked again, this time voice a little more shaky, laced with pent-up frustration and tinged with sadness.

You stared into his eyes, at that point they were far past feral. Almost unhinged. You shook your head. You didn’t know why, but you knew how it made him feel. And that was enough.

Yoongi came with a strangled sob. As soon as he let go of your throat, the increase in oxygen and blood flow sent you directly into your climax. You rode out the rest of your high together, movements slowing as you came down.

Yoongi was shaking. At first you thought it was overstimulation until you heard the soft sobs coming from him. You wrapped him up in your arms as he collapsed onto you, sobbing into your shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”

“Shhh,” you soothed. “Don’t be.”

“I don’t know why this is happening,” he whispered into you. “I’ve never done this before.”

“Probably just a big release of emotion. It’s happened to me before. Don’t stress about it.”

“It’s fucking embarrassing,” he said, though the tears didn’t slow at all.

“Let it out,” you said, stroking his back. “You probably need it.”

It was at that moment you felt your own emotions start to well up. What was going to happen to you after tonight? Would you still have a job to go to in the morning? If word had gotten back to the label, you might have a letter of termination in your inbox at that very moment.

You allowed yourself to feel it. Yoongi was the only safe space you had at the moment, and he wasn’t in any position to judge you for your emotions.

You and Yoongi held each other while you cried, each feeling separate emotions, but side-by-side. And when the crying stopped, you went to the bathroom and finished the rest of the joint. By that time, the crying had worn off, and you were left with a strange happy relaxation at having finally released everything that had been building up. Periodically, one of you would burst out into giggles over the course of events that had taken place that night, causing the other to erupt into laughter as well.

“I don’t know, man. That’s never happened to me before.” Yoongi kept repeating.

“It’s only happened to me once. I looked it up afterwards and apparently emotional flooding is normal after sex. Elevated hormones or something like that.”

“If you say so. Didn’t feel very normal to me. Felt good though.”

“Yeah, well guys aren’t as used to expressing emotions as we are.”

“Fair enough,” he said. “Usually, I express mine through music.”

“Hard to do when music’s the thing you’re disappointed about.”

“Don’t remind me,” he said. “Hey, by the way. Um, that? Was fucking incredible. No wonder everyone was fighting over you.”

“Stop,” you groaned, waving your hand in protest. “I don’t want to think about that.” He laughed and caught your hand in his.

“Okay. We won’t talk about anyone else. But can we talk about the fact that my shirt is now stained with blood because of your damn nails?”

“Um, what about the bruises on my neck? Those can’t be covered up so easily.”

“You didn’t seem to mind at the time,” he said, voice velvety smooth.

“Still don’t.”

“Is that so?” he asked, wrapping his arm around you and plucking the joint from your hand. “Seriously though,” he paused to take a drag. “That was incredible. Thank you.”

The tenderness in his voice caught you by surprise, but it was welcome. He looked you over once before taking another drag and bringing his lips to yours. He nipped on your bottom lip as a sign to open your mouth, and when you did, he exhaled the smoke, allowing you to inhale the drag he’d taken, before he continued kissing you. It was a surprisingly intimate act.

You finally broke apart to exhale, barely any smoke coming out, most of the drag having been spent between the two of you.

“Thank you,” you countered, eyes still closed, savoring the leftover taste of his lips. You couldn’t help but smile stupidly. “That was something else. I’m going to be fantasizing about that for months.”

“Doesn’t have to be a fantasy,” he said.

You laughed. “I doubt we’ll have that much pent-up anger to get out for a while.”

“What do you mean? There are tons of things to get angry about. Like how nosy Hoseok is.”

“Or how I might not have a job after today.”

The energy died a bit with that comment.

“You’re really stressed about that, huh?” he asked, rubbing your shoulder with his thumb and offering you the last hit of the joint before it was totally spent. You took it with gratitude.

“I don’t see how I’m keeping my job after this. Not after the spectacle Jungkook made.”

“You know whatever happens, I’m here for you, right? We’ll get through this together.”

“I know,” you said, standing and stretching. It was nearing sunrise by that point. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Yoongi.”

You crawled back into bed, kissing lazily until neither one of you could keep your eyes open. You fell asleep listening to his heartbeat, chest rising and falling under you as he stroked your hair, and you wondered if this was the last moment of peace you’d see for a long time. You hoped it’d be worth it.

#yoongi x reader #jungkook x reader #yoongi smut #min yoongi #Jeon Jungkook jjk #angst #smut #bts #Kim namjoon #jung hoseok #Kim taehyung #bts x reader

[littlestsnicket]

TIL that photographing journal pages is a lot harder than i suspected and the lighting at my office is particularly garbage for it.

anyway, i was talking to @kuwdora about trying to harness all of the productivity skills one picks up to put processes in place to allow yourself to be more creative, so i made a commitment to experiment with using my scrum master skills into making it easier to finish this fic.

the first task was to decide on a backlog management tool. my primary concerns were portability and that i like tactile things, so i went back to basics and decided against using a backlog management tool at all. so now my backlog lives in my bullet journal.

more scrum related rambling under the cut:

in my professional opinion, the point of scrum is to make (and deliver on) clearly defined commitments. i’m still working through how much commitment making i want to do, because writing is a hobby and i don’t want it to feel like a job, but it’s also a hobby that i want to get better at and make easier for myself to still do when i’m tried or have decision paralysis or whatever else stops me from writing. we’ll see how it goes.

if nothing else, just going through the exercise of making a backlog was helpful. since i usually write such short things, i don’t have a lot of coping mechanisms for dealing with a 35 page google doc and the start at the beginning and hope you get to an interesting note or piece of beta reading feedback was getting daunting and unproductive.

now that i have provided some introduction, i’ll move on to an abbreviated team charter, since team is just me (and maybe @soymimikyu, my beta reader, but mostly just me).

mission statement: discover and use effective processes to write more and finish the fucking fic!

scrum rituals:

sprint: i’m going to try single week sprints starting/ending on wednesdays. i think making smaller commitments for a shorter period of time is going to work better for me, but i can come back to this if i change my mind.

daily standup: i was initially thinking, no i’m not doing that, but i’m going make a commitment to look at the sprint board at least once a day

refining: i don’t think i need dedicated time for this. if i try using scrum for something that has more undefined scope this might be useful, but i don’t expect that i will add anything to the backlog (just break down some of the stuff under needs refining into smaller pieces)

retro: i do want to set aside some time on wednesdays to reflect and see if this is working from a process perspective

review/planning: usually those don’t really go together, but i think they should. this gets glossed over a lot in practice (in my experience) but the purpose of a sprint review is to update the backlog based on stakeholder feedback, and given the lack of stakeholders outside of myself and my beta reader, update the backlog and make a new commitment for next sprint do naturally go together.

we can skip the conflict resolution bit too. (conflict resolution is that it’s my fic and soymimiku’s opinions about parentheticals are silly.)

i think that’s enough defining to get started. i’m a huge process nerd so i’m kind of excited about this. we’ll see if it works!

#mayo writes with scrum #going to try and use a consistent tag so i can make public commitments depending on how this goes

[fearandhatred]

hi leanne! 💖

For the ask prompts:

2 Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?

18 Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

58 What part of the writing process do you enjoy the most? (Brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, etc) 

And good luck for your tasks! 🫂

hi mari!!! thank u so much for sending this <3 and my tasks are officially done. possibly done horribly but they are done 😭😭

2. do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?

the first multi-chaptered fic i wrote was for another fandom and it is still incomplete because although i had a vague idea of the structure i didn't draft it out enough lmao. i've found that the more i plan ahead the easier it will be and the more motivation i get to continue writing.

but that doesn't mean whatever i plan is fixed !! i have strayed quite a bit from my original plan for tht lol. but my endings will always stay the same because i often come up with those quite early, so they're usually what i work towards

18. do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? how do you come up with titles?

ooh it really depends. i just realised i have actually have done all 3 for each of the good omens fics i've published?? how fun

blood in my eyes: the whole idea from this fic was based on the song the origin of love from the hedwig and the angry inch musical, so i had the title ready before writing it.

transitional heart taxidermy: this fic had SO many working titles. i came up with it after finishing chapter 1 because i wanted to publish it first, but i went through sooo many variations and eventually landed on this, which just clicked lol and i don't even know if the title makes sense to anyone else but it does to me! i think it's a good reflection of crowley's journey throughout the fic. unfortunately

sunflower fingerprints: this was a oneshot, and i don't think i even HAD a working title while writing it because i wrote it in less than 2 days. the title came to me after i wrote a scene that i felt encapsulated the whole fic and i renamed my doc after finishing it.

but yeah i usually try to make my titles represent the entirety of what my fic is supposed to be, and maybe have a double meaning in there somewhere

58. what part of the writing process do you enjoy the most?

brainstorming for sure. every time i come up with an idea it makes me so happy for like the next few hours or days lmaooo and then i remember i have to write it and 😒

but sometimes i do enjoy the writing process immensely, especially when i come up with an overarching metaphor or analogy or something to work into my fics

ask game

#fearandhatred #fearandasks #fearandfics #thank u for the ask again <3 this was fun

[grntaire]

stress-wise: relax your shoulders, your jaw, your back. lay on your back with your feet on the floor, knees bent (also elevate your head slightly w a pillow or book if you can), and take deep breaths. as a musician it can help me to count in a slow 6/8 weirdly, so idk if that might help you too, but any kind of breathing's always good. whenever i have too many things to do i pick one of the easier things to do and make a conscious effort to stop thinking abt my worries and just concentrate on getting one tiny task done at a time, and then onto the next thing. apart from that, i just try to remember and trust in the fact that 90% of the time, i will not literally die or be killed or stop existing if the worst thing goes wrong. it might be fucking horrible, but tomorrow will get here and regardless of how today goes, we have the chance to try again and again and again and again. and eventually little by little we make it better. idk. stress fucking sucks and there's many kinds but i hope at least some of this helps??? hope you get to rest soon <3

counting a slow 6/8 is genius actually i will be doing that asap?? thank you my friend <3 it’s like i do get rest but am very much on the other end of the “oh so i’m an autistic lesbian” crisis and left with the “now what?” part! trying to figure out what i actually want my life to look like is terrifying and odd bc i’ve basically been lying to myself abt parts of it for a long time so going through what is genuine and what is fabricated is just very stressful but fortunately my new therapist is lovely :) am hoping that working through this existential stress will help me through the task-based stress that Lingers all the time but we will get there

#thank you for this it’s so kind <3 #asks

[pallastrology]

uni diaries: january 2024

i wasn't sure i'd have much to write about this month, since i don't start my next module until next week, but the month ended up being a bit more eventful than i expected! i've been taking latin lessons and am finding it... complicated, lol, but really interesting. i've also restarted learning welsh through duolingo - perhaps not the best resource out there, but free and easy to do short lessons when i have a few minutes to myself - which i'm enjoying. i'm kind of at the stage with welsh now where i need to hunt down some textbooks and a dictionary so i can build up my technical knowledge, so that's a project for february i think.

as far as uni goes, i've been preparing for my next module, which is all about academic writing. i'll be writing an academic review of an article or paper, doing a presentation, and then writing an essay. i'm absolutely dreading the presentation, not going to lie, but as my study skills tutor reminded me, by doing it i'll be helping to ultimately ease my anxiety and also will be helping my fellow students to learn how to present. i've started my research for the topic i want to cover for this module, which is y mabinogi, or, the mabinogi; they are welsh mythological tales, written in the eleventh century but probably based on older, oral histories and legends. i'm doing some preliminary research right now and building up some maps of the stories, characters and world, which i might post if anybody is interested. i'm for sure no expert on the mabinogi, but it's something that rests close to my heart.

i also got my grades back for my first module and, depending on what the exam board say, i got a first :-) i'm really happy and surprised, especially with the feedback i got for my last assignment, which was so positive i cried haha. so yeah, overall it's been a nice month, though it has definitely been hard to 'get back into' my studies after taking some time off over christmas and then getting sick for a couple of weeks. i've felt quite disorganised and overwhelmed, and it's been very hard to focus on my studies, but i'm hoping that will get easier. something i know i need to work on is discipline; it's not that i'm lazy, but having a toddler and a chronic illness is very draining, and so i sometimes have to pick my battles and take more breaks or do less than i'd like to, which then leads to overwhelm and avoidance because of the mountain of tasks that build up. so i want to work on a tighter routine and trying to work breaks into my day rather than ending up having to take a whole day (or more) off.

pictured: the very unloved trees in my garden, and one of my rabbits 🐰

#uni diaries #personal #studyblr #studyblr community

[pbandjesse]

It was wildly windy today. Scary at times! But it wasn't a terrible day. I was just very tired.

I fell asleep easier last night but waking up was very tough. I let myself sleep in until 730. And I left late but it was okay. I was moving really slowly. James was getting ready to go for a bike ride and I gave them a big hug but I really didn't want to leave so I didn't let myself wait for them to leave with me and left as soon as I was ready.

My lip is much more swollen but doesn't hurt as bad. Keeping it covered is helping and I found cutting a fabric bandaid seems to be the best way to cover it right now. Eating with a bandaid on my lip is impossible but I didn't have to change it as many times so I'm happy about that.

The ride in was fine but the wind was very strong. I didn't notice but Alexi had texted us that schools were opening two hours late so she would be in later. So that meant everyone came in later. Except me because I didn't notice it. Ah well.

I got to camp and had my bagel and read for a while. Jess asked me to make a ride wish list for Disney. So I did some research and figured out what rides I would like to try for. I'm not a big rides person but there are a few boat based ones I think I will enjoy. And it was fun looking into everything and the possibilities.

We are changing the order of the parks because the travel agent has been kind of useless and didn't tell us that Magic Kingdom is closing early the day were planning on going so now we are probably ending the week with Magic Kingdom instead of starting it. That's okay. I'm just excited to go with Jess.

Eventually people started coming in. And I was given a few small tasks. But I also just spent time reading and doing little things in the computer.

Heather trained me and Sarah on the camp registration website and how to see the wait-list and so because we could do that we could start helping to answer emails from parents. It turns out registering can be a little confusing so I made a reference sheet for parents with a step by step guide and hopefully it will help.

Celia came in to talk to Alexi. And it was nice to see her. I would have my lunch and went for a little walk. I was surprised that there were more downed trees from the storm but the ground was very very soft. It was nice walking around even if it was still to windy.

Nurse Joan came in today and I was able to give her the Christmas gift I had for her. She was very excited about the tiny "Nurse Quaktitioner" I had for her. Made her laugh really big. Love Nurse Joan.

I also have her and Nurse Becky some vintage maps of camp for them to decorate the infirmary once it's fixed up. I was happy to help.

We would have a big meeting about the counselor in training program this afternoon. Where we are trying to sort things out for when the contractor John comes next week. I was glad I had made all the different documents that I printed last week because I swear no one else really has anything ready. Like there were ideas and catching up and getting on the same page but I had actual programs and documents. I felt very ready. Which was nice. It's hard though when I say well I do this... Talking about specialty stuff for the summer and Alexi goes but you are so on top of things and preplan and prep! And I'm like yes. But everyone should be living up to my standards!!! Plus I've done a lot of the planning for the other specialties.

I would have some new ideas for our counciler in training program though. Including making a quiz to figure out what you would best be suited for. Which was fun to make and then I made everyone in the office take it to see if they got placed in different things and it worked really well honestly. Not perfect and I'm sure I'll change the questions a bit but I think creating a personality test for the job is a fun way to help figure out where each kid can go.

I had a few more things to make today. Including a staff survey about your favorite things. I tried to make it more interesting then just what's your favorite color. And it lead to a really nice conversation about what snacks would make our day better. I said a cinnamon soft pretzel. Heather said sushi! I was very surprised and that's why I thought it was a good question! I learned something about her. And we got to talk about the best pretzels we've ever had and that lead to more stories and that is the whole point. To learn more about each other on a deeper level.

I got ready to go right around 4. And I was so stupid tired. It hit me all of a sudden and driving home sucked. It didn't help that people were driving stupid. But despite others best efforts I made it home in one piece.

When I parked a nice man was walking on the sidewalks and we had a nice conversation about the weather. And it put me in a really nice mood.

But this did not last long. I got up here and immediately got overstimulated because there is just stuff everywhere. I tried to start moving stuff but I was just very very overwhelmed and didn't know what to do and then I found my cup in the dishwasher that I have asked a few times not to be put in there and I just absolutely melted down. I felt so tired and so upset. I texted James a million times explaining why I am upset. But I just felt very low.

I have basically been in bed since then. I am exhausted. I did go have some cereal but I may go eat something more substantial. James had the extended hours at the museum tonight so they should be home in another hour or so. And hopefully I can sleep faster and feel better tomorrow.

I hope the wind dies down. And I hope tomorrow is beautiful. Sleep well everyone. Until next time.

[writella]

Hi babes! How was your day today! My day was a lot better but I have a crap load of homework OMG! But hey music always gets me through it! What gets you through your homework? I would love to know as well as how your day was!

Hope you had an awesome day today! I love you💕

Hi Londyn ♡

Thank you so much for your patience, I’m sorry it took so long to say hello again. I’m super glad your day got better and I agree music makes everything so much easier. I don’t know if it’s bad to say, but I can’t even do the little tasks without it as motivation.

When it comes to homework, I have to be honest, it’s hard. My attention span totally goes down the drain. 😭 But usually what I do is just try to split it up so I can do a little bit of each subject a day. For example, if my lit class meets again on Friday, I’ll just divide the pages I need to read based on how many days I have to read them. Did I explain that right? That usually helps me so I don’t feel overwhelmed with all the work I have to do for just one topic. Also because if I have too much to read I just start daydreaming instead…

I really wish I could focus on work for one class and just finish it in one day and the move on to the next subject another day but it just gets too much. I don’t have the focus for it like I used to when I was younger, yet I still put the same amount of pressure on myself. I’m definitely learning though! Having other hobbies like writing and this account that I need to make time for make it so that I remember that it’s not all about school and work at the time. 😌

How have the past two weeks been!! Love you too!!

#💌 ask answered 💌

[a-menaceinpink]

Tales of the Jedi, Episode 2: Justice

This is my first time watching any of the Tales of the Jedi episodes, and I have to say that I really like this animation style. It reminds me of a mixture of both the original original Clone Wars (AKA 2002-2004 version) and the early seasons of SW:TCW, just a little bit more elegantly done.

Anyway. To plot!

This episode is a short story of then-Jedi Count Dooku and his then-apprentice, Qui-Gon Jinn. Based on what I know of them, I think this episode does an excellent job of establishing the basis for their later character arcs.

Dooku here is openly against the Jedi's apparnet position of "serving the Senate" over serving the actual people of the Republic. While I don't think that is actually what the Jedi are doing at this point in time, it's excellent background information for understanding how the Jedi Order is perceived during the fading years of the Old Republic. Although the Jedi do, in principle, serve the people over the Senate, the standoff between Dooku and Dagonet indicates that this principle has probably become increasingly muddy, as the Jedi take on tasks at the Senate's request or appear to follow the Senate's behest.

It's also clear that, although Jedi are known to the common folk, their purpose, powers, and overall authority is not. This would definitely make it easier to make the public turn against them after the Clone Wars.

Aside from the Jedi PR and politics, there's also a strong foundation for the corruption and entitlement present in the Republic during the Prequel/Clone Wars Era. It emphasizes just how radically different Padme, Bail, and Mon Mothma are for fighting for equality for everyone in the galaxy.

Now for character studies!

Dooku is already showing signs of falling to the dark side, even before the whole choking incident. His righteous indignation and anger at the treatment of the citizens in the face of Dagonet is admirable, but it quickly devolves into just anger. It's no longer about those he's trying to save here, it's about how he feels about the entire situation with the Republic Senate. Not to mention that instead of attempting a more peaceful form of diplomacy when looking for the Senator's son, his first move is a veiled threat, laying his lightsaber on the table. (Side note: sick as fuck to see those lightsaber handles in blue and not red)

Qui-Gon, on the other hand, doesn't give us much to go off of, other than that he's compassionate and clearly wants to avoid bloodshed (i.e. death/murder) at all costs. While in line with how he's portrayed in the films, I'm hoping for a little more from in the next couple episodes, as I believe him to be woefully underdeveloped on screen.

#star wars rewatch #tales of the jedi #count dooku #master dooku #qui gon jinn #star wars #mine #i will probably do one of these for every episode bc its a fun little way for me to recap them #no i don't expect anyone to take them seriously lol #if you have other options cool! share! but only if you're gonna be normal about it!

[superlinguo]

Linguistics Jobs: Interview with a Research Scientist

This month’s linguistics jobs interview is with Jeff Lilly, a Research Scientist at Cobalt Speech and Language. In this interview, Jeff shares how opportunities in computational linguistics have evolved since he received his degree, and how pursuing his interests in linguistics and computers have influenced his career.

You can find Jeff online on LinkedIn, or on either of his two blogs: druidjournal.net (on nature-centered spirituality) and axonfirings.com (on his fiction projects). 

What did you study at university?

 I have a BA in Linguistics from UNC-Chapel Hill (1995) and an MA in Linguistics from the University of Maryland, College Park (2000). UMD allowed me to qualify for the masters with two papers, so I did one paper on the lexical semantics of telic verbs and another on the typology of language games.

What is your job?

At Cobalt Speech and Language, it's a small company, so lots of us wear many hats. I design dialogue systems, build natural language understanding models and applications, and perform testing and quality assurance. I'm also in charge of Cobalt's ASR lexicons (the dictionaries we use for our speech systems).

How does your linguistics training help you in your job?

Linguistics is central to what I do, and I'm always trying to find new ways to incorporate linguistic knowledge into our tools. Most people working in speech technology come from a computer science background, so they're unaware of the variety of linguistic theories that can be brought to bear on our work. Any speech technology model is a mix of raw data, effective architecture, and linguistic knowledge; the more of one you have, the less of the others you need. By contributing linguistic knowledge, I can make our models smaller and simpler, and make them faster and easier to train. For example, I built a syllabification module based on Optimality Theory that is critical to our text-to-speech software. It works for any language and never needs to be trained on new data.

What was the transition from university to work like for you?

As I worked on my master's degree, I took as many computer science courses as I could handle. I got extra experience working with databases on the side. I was hired by a small search company shortly after I graduated (helping to build out the WordNet database), working primarily as a linguist, but my experience and classes in databases helped establish my abilities as a coder. When that company failed, I was able to join my next company as a research scientist  / computational linguist, and I've been building my programming skill on the job ever since.

Do you have any advice you wish someone had given to you about linguistics/careers/university?

I guess one thing I had to learn the hard way is that the "real world" evaluates your performance much differently than school does. At school, you can just learn the material, turn in good papers, do well on the exams, and you're golden. But oftentimes on the job, your managers don't know you're doing a good job unless you make yourself visible by speaking up in meetings, offering suggestions, volunteering for tasks, etc. It's often better to try and fail than to keep your head down and play it safe.

Any other thoughts or comments?

When I started out as a linguistics undergrad in 1991, the profession of "computational linguist" barely existed. But I knew I loved linguistics and I was fascinated by computers, so I just tried to follow my passion, hoping that my enthusiasm and hard work would make up for any lack of ability or job prospects. It has not been a smooth ride -- I've worked at almost a dozen companies in the past 20 years, been laid off more than once, had to move across the country multiple times, etc. But I've always gotten to work on fascinating projects with amazing people. For example, I was on the first tiny team to start building Alexa at Amazon in 2011. And I've continued to stretch and grow and learn in ways I'd never imagined. 20 years from now, building on the remarkable recent advances in language modeling, the field will be vastly different. I hope, for example, that there will be opportunities for computational linguists to peel back the layers of a system like GPT-3 and see how it has modeled human language. It's going to be incredibly exciting.

Related interviews:

Interview with a Language Engineer

Interview with a Natural Language Annotation Lead

Interview with a Computational Linguist

Interview with a Learning Scientist

Interview with a Data Scientist

Recent interviews:

Interview with a Language Engineer

Interview with a Natural Language Annotation Lead

Interview with an EMLS/Linguistics instructor & mother of four

Interview with a Performing Artiste and Freelance Editor

Resources:

The full Linguist Jobs Interview List

The Linguist Jobs tag for the most recent interviews

The Linguistics Jobs slide deck (overview, resources and activities)

The Linguistics Jobs Interview series is edited by Martha Tsutsui Billins. Martha is a linguist whose research focuses on the Ryukyuan language Amami Oshima, specifically honourifics and politeness strategies in the context of language endangerment. Martha runs Field Notes, a podcast about linguistic fieldwork.

#linguistics jobs #linguist jobs #research scientist #computational linguistics #computational linguist #linguistics #linguist #careers #jobs #work

[julietandcinderella-if]

Hello lovely! I hope you're doing alright and that you're having a great time! Speaking of writing I would love to get mor e insight into your idea brainstorming and outlining process if you don't mind. 💗💗💐✨

Hello, sweetie, and it's no trouble at all! Hope you're doing alright aswell! ^^💙

Disclaimer: In no way am I professional writer or author, and this is simply just my way on how I concept and write ideas and stories

It isn't that hard for me to have an idea suddenly pop into my head. I'll use this IF as an example.

1. The inspiration

Vampire in The Garden is my first inspiration for this, really. I watched it once and thought: "What if I write a tragic, sapphic, vampire story with a mix of Romeo and Juliet?". Obviously, I can't imitate it nor copy the story directly, so I look for other inspiration.

Well, not really look, because I remembered the term: "cottagecore sapphics" while going through Twitter and found art of two women being loving and domestic in the countryside. So, that's where I went for vibes. The married part comes next, because come on wives. Just wives all around.

Next would be aesthetics. I personally love the vintage aesthetic of the 50's, so I went with there, plus I always wanted to write a sapphic story set in the 50's.

Location is easy, since I already have an existing country, so I don't really need to make a place from the ground up.

~•~•~

2. Characters

Okay, so I got the idea down, so who's going to be in it?

At this point neither the Bledsoes or the Welhavens existed, so I had to make them from the ground up. Adele's first, because she's the vampire wife that Welhaven has to romance, so I designed her based on my ideal woman, vibes of the clothes I wanted her to dress in, and some characters from existing media. Same goes with the rest of the cast, minus the ideal woman part. It's a bit of trial and error on their character design, because I want it to fit their personality.

Fun fact: Adam and Azalea were the hardest to design—both went thru 3-4 different iterations before I settled on the one I like.

Names were easier, but required a bit more research, so a good chunk of designing are finding names for the cast and opening a bunch of tabs on baby name websites. At this point, I'm sure Google's wondering if I'm a teen parent with how much baby name sites I've opened.

~•~•~

3. Plot

Idea? Check. Characters? Check. Plot? Uh…

So, anyway, I start plotting.

Nothing extreme, really, since the inspiration already provided parts of it, which is the wives dying and me wanting domestic wives time.

So I start with the wives, just married and running away from everything because of their forbidden love. But why are they running away? Oh, I know, Adele's family doesn't like her marrying a human, because it's against their law. Now they're running away from the hunters that were sent after them and went into hiding. So, now, they live in a small cottage, trying to live out their peaceful days the best they can before everything comes crashing down.

Rest of the plot beats come after that, and I won't spoil them here.

I think up of needed variables, stats, and content warnings along the way in this step.

~•~•~

4. [Vampire] Lore

The most tedious task of all: making lore.

I want to make my vampires different from the mainstream vampires we all know, so I took inspiration again. The arms turning to bat wings is heavily inspired from Vampire in The Garden's vampires while the clans and society (for Bellhollow) are loosely based on English aristocracy and the French bergeouise with aesthetics and vibes being taken from the 1800's.

The rest are my own bits of pizazz like the drinking coconut water and vampires going mad if left alone for too long and always staying in pairs or groups. I want to make the vampires powerful, but not annoying OP—human, but also still monsters.

The lore about the [old] Bledsoes have to be written too, since the one in modern day is vastly different from the one in J&C.

~•~•~

5. Tumblr Blog & Intro Post

Time to gather the sapphics and lesbians.

I make the blog, and customize it a bit to fit the aesthetics and vibes, then I start writing the intro post with the headers I made on Canva.

Post. Reblog on other IF blog with a lot followers, and let Tumblr do its thing.

So yeah, this is basically how I concept stuff. Not that exciting and a bit quick, but that's just how I work when I create things. :p

#author ask #curious anon #L

[r-rook-studio]

And another campaign wraps...

Tonight, my Friday group ends our Big Eyes, Small Mouth campaign.

Our plan for the next campaign was to dive into the latest edition of Unknown Armies, but since the GMs for that game wanted more time to pick up books and plan, we wanted to do a short isekai-style campaign that would bring our favorite characters from across several previous campaigns. Those included games run with Urban Shadows, Monster of the Week, World of Dungeons, Masks, some OSR systems, Solar Blades & Cosmic Spells, CJC's WitchCraft, Night's Black Agents, City of Mists, and Good Society. We decided to go for approx. 6 sessions, and chose Big Eyes, Small Mouth since we'd hoped a point buy system would make porting characters from a lot of different games and settings doable.

It's been a lot of fun, thanks to the GMing skills of Justin and Sebastian. As someone who's very much a character creation person, though, I'm still thinking about how far I've fallen away from my own-time love of point buy. It's time-consuming and there's the constant sense that you're in an exam and there are right answers. I don't always mind time-consuming character creation, but loathe the idea that character creation should require system mastery. City of Mists does a good job of asking you to spend some time, energy, and thought on character creation while ditching the system mastery BS.

BESM's current edition tries to make this easier through kits and templates, but those are difficult to select from while still learning the rules, and are even more difficult when you're doing a short campaign with a specific focus. I poked at the rules to get something resembling the character I was modeling: the were-raven Caz from our Hudson Highlands-based Monster of the Week series. But there are several powers and abilities I tried to pick up that just never made sense in the rules, and we've gotten 6 sessions in having avoided trying to use them.

In play, the basic 2d6 task resolution works reasonably well, but bonuses are so big and wild that it's hard to know when something is likely to succeed or likely to fail, and I'm simulationist enough to think characters should have an easier time figuring out when something is a wild risk and when something is a risky but doable task.

Overall, it was exciting to get to try out BESM, a game I'd been curious about for a couple of decades without ever really trying to sit down and play it. I definitely wish we'd tried something that felt less like early Champions/Hero/GURPS in character creation, though.