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spencers-renaissance · 3 years

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dry me off and hold me close

Summary: Derek has finally relented and is bringing his boyfriend Spencer to meet the rest of the team. That means, though, he has to finally tell them about his boyfriend's disability. Terrified that they'll react badly, he puts it off until he can't anymore. Turns out he was worried for nothing.

Tags: so much fluff, protective derek, disabled spencer, caretaker derek, au: spencer is not in the bau, team as family, hurt/comfort, light angst, est. rel, day to day disabled life, physical disability/chronic illness

Pairing: Derek Morgan x Spencer Reid

Word Count: 5.7k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Hello! I am nervous to share this one, I won't lie. It's incredibly personal. It was a pain in the arse to write but I love how it turned out and I hope you do, too. Just a note: this may be triggering for some people - there is description of nausea and severe chronic pain, as well as frequent references to ableism towards wheelchair users.

As soon as Rossi brings up the prospect of a fully-catered family dinner at his ‘mansion’ this weekend, Derek’s heart sinks. They’re on their way home from a pretty gruelling case and it’s well-deserved of course, but he knows what comes next, knows what question will be asked of him, and he’s dreading it. There’s only so long he can go on avoiding answering.

“Please tell me you’ll finally let us meet Spencer, Derek,” JJ asks, levelling him with a look to rival one of Penelope’s. “At this point I’m starting to think you’ve made him up.”

Spencer is very real. He’s a very real, very sexy, very intelligent man who Derek has no doubt would get on brilliantly with the team. But Spencer also happens to be disabled. And while his boyfriend has had decades to get to terms with broaching such a sensitive, taboo topic, Derek has not. He’s far from ashamed of Spencer — that’s not it at all — he’s just so protective of him, and the idea of others being touchy or patronising or outright rude around him is an idea he’s never been able to get used to, no matter how many times he’s witnessed it.

Derek’s laugh is strained as he rubs his face awkwardly, trying to find the words to politely decline, but the others are pouncing on him before he can speak.

“You’ve put it off enough times now, Morgan,” Emily says, siding with JJ. “If he’s even half of what you say he is then we’ll love him. Just bring him along. Rossi doesn’t mind.”

“Oh no, I’m dying to meet the man who could finally tie Derek Morgan, ladies man extraordinaire, down,” Rossi chimes in.

“He definitely sounds like my kind of guy,” Alex agrees. “I’m impressed you managed to land such an educated man, Derek.”

He looks sort of desperately towards Hotch who raises his hands guiltily. “I would actually like to meet him, too, Morgan,” he says reluctantly, a rare smile playing across his face.

Derek groans and throws his head back against his plane seat. He can only be glad Penelope isn’t on the flight because she’d be absolutely relentless in such a conversation.

As hesitant as he is to let his team in, maybe it is time to finally get over himself and bring Spencer to meet them. After all, none of them have ever given him actual cause to be so nervous, and he knows they’d all inevitably fall in love with him almost as quickly as Derek did, so really it’s his own fears and fierce protective instincts keeping Spencer away from his second family.

“Fine,” he relents, anxious butterflies not easing. “He’s home this weekend, and apart from planning lectures I think he’s free, so I’ll ask him. But I can only promise to ask, I won’t promise he’ll agree.” It’s a pointless caveat; Spencer’s been bugging him to meet the team almost as long as they’ve been bugging him to meet Spencer, he’ll jump at the chance to go to dinner with them.

“Finally,” JJ groans, pretending to collapse against Emily in relief, who giggles fondly at her antics.

“I’m sure we’ll love him, Derek,” Rossi says reassuringly, a proud fatherly look on his face that has his chest clenching painfully.

As everyone settles down, his stomach churns anxiously as he stares back out of the jet window. He knows everyone will love Spencer; he just doesn’t know how to tell them what to expect. What if Spencer has a fainting episode or gets nauseous at dinner time? What if he can’t keep his energy up or is too photosensitive to have the lights on? What if meeting that many people at once overwhelms him? Spencer always tells him he worries too much, but he can’t help it — not when the love of his life is involved.

He’s brought out of his nervous stewing by Hotch. “You know, Morgan, if you really don’t want to bring Spencer, you don’t have to,” he says softly, making him look up to see everyone staring at him guiltily.

“We didn’t mean to pressure you,” JJ says hesitantly, and the others agree, all clearly having noticed his pensive expression.

He forces himself to take a calming breath and bite the damn bullet already. Spencer would be rolling his eyes at him. “Okay. There’s something I haven’t told you,” he starts carefully. He hasn’t had to introduce the concept of Spencer’s disability to anybody since he told his family. “Spencer is disabled. He has a chronic condition that impairs his mobility along with bringing a whole host of other symptoms, and while he’s had it for most of his adult life, I’m still not used to broaching the topic and I didn’t know how you would react. He already experienced enough difficulties in life, he doesn’t need my co-workers, hypothetically, being patronising or weird about it. So, I put it off.”

It feels like a weight off his chest once it’s out in the air, but the surprised looks on his team’s face make him briefly wonder whether telling them was a mistake after all. “Spencer will really look forward to coming though,” he rushes to continue. “He’s on his own a lot of the time and struggles to make it out of the house except for work if I’m not there, so he can feel quite isolated. It will be nice for him to spend time with other people, and finally meet you guys.”

By the time he’s finished speaking, everyone seems to have mostly recovered from their immediate shock, and look relaxed and intrigued again — far more appreciated expressions on Derek’s end.

“Well,” Rossi starts, and he feels like holding his breath in anticipation, “will he need any accommodations?” Relief spreads warm and thick across Derek’s chest as he feels himself physically relax. Of course immediate support would be the response from his team; he was stupid to think otherwise.

“His mobility fluctuates daily. Sometimes he can walk small distances okay, other times — and more frequently — he needs aids like forearm crutches or his wheelchair. Can I text you on the day and let you know?”

“Of course,” Rossi promises, a warm smile on his face, “whatever you and Spencer need.”

“There is one more thing, if Spencer’s coming it will need to be earlier in the evening… think more six rather than eight. He’ll be too exhausted later in the evening and he needs to be home early to get the amount of sleep he needs.”

“That’s fine,” Rossi agrees immediately, “six it is.”

“Sorry for pressuring you, Derek,” JJ says, tilting her head as she looks across the table at him. “But we’ll love Spencer, this won’t change anything.”

“Yeah, fuck you for thinking we’d be assholes about it,” Emily chuckles, punching him softly in the arm.

Derek grins at her before shaking his head. “I’m just too protective of him,” he explains a little guiltily. “He thinks it’s ridiculous but I can’t help it. We’ve been together nearly five years now and I’ve seen the things he has to go through, professionally and in his day to day life. I just saw an area for potential harm, no matter how slim the chances, and immediately bricked it up in my mind. It’s hard to tear walls down like that.”

“Well, I’m glad you did,” Alex says in her signature gentle tone, smiling at him.

“I can’t wait to meet him,” Hotch agrees and Derek gives them all another quick smile before they settle in for the rest of the flight.

It’s late by the time Derek unlocks the door to his and Spencer’s home and he knows his boyfriend will already be in bed. It had been a weird adjustment when they’d first started dating, Spencer having to be home by 10pm so Spencer could get at least nine hours of sleep, topped up by regular naps during the day. Now though, he’s completely used to operating around Spencer’s sleep schedule; it’s just routine.

He makes his way through the house quietly, toeing his shoes off and shedding his coat before dumping his bag in the living room and padding up the stairs. The house is dark but their room is dimly lit by Spencer’s night lamps, there to ease him off to sleep and keep him company when bouts of painful insomnia torment him. There was a time Derek used to mind, but those days seem so long ago now. He climbs carefully onto the mattress, taking off his trousers and socks but not bothering to change into anything new.

As gentle as he is with his movement, Spencer still stirs beside him. “Derek?” He blinks sleepily over at him in the soft light of the bedroom and Derek immediately scoots over and wraps him in a hug. It might be gone midnight but he misses Spencer like crazy when he’s away and physical contact is very much essential business right now.

“Yeah, baby,” he whispers as he relishes the feeling of Spencer’s small frame against his own. “Sorry I woke you.”

“It’s okay. Just glad you’re home. Missed you.”

“I promise I missed you more,” Derek murmurs as the warmth of the room and comforting presence of his boyfriend wrapped around him finally break down the walls he’s been holding back the sleepiness working a 5 day case inevitably brings.

“Make me pancakes in the morning?”

Spencer doesn’t need to ask, it’s a tradition for Derek to make pancakes for breakfast the day he gets back from the case, but it makes him smile anyway. “Anything for you, baby boy,” he yawns. “Go back to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”

⭐️

Derek waits until dinner the next evening to bring up the subject of the dinner party. It’s just a simple takeaway on the sofa of the house Derek had renovated for them, but even five years into their relationship, every moment shared with Spencer feels like a date.

“How would you feel about going to a dinner party with the team?” Derek asks when there’s a lull in their conversation. Spencer’s just finished explaining a complicated debate he’s having with one of his colleagues about kinetic particle theory and Derek has no idea how to respond. Moments like these used to make him feel stupid and inadequete when they first got together, but now he just stares fondly at his genius boyfriend and wonders how on earth he got so lucky.

Spencer lowers his fork. They’re eating chinese but he still hasn’t mastered chopsticks, and it never fails to make Derek smile. “Are you serious?” he says, an excited grin spreading across his face.

“I am.” He quirks an amused eyebrow as he takes in Spencer’s eager expression. God, he’s so fucking in love.

“Well obviously I want to go,” he giggles, “you know that. When is it?”

“Saturday.”

Spencer just launches himself into Derek’s lap in lieu of response, not that he has far to move on their cosy sofa, slotting himself against his body as they melt into one another. “Thank you for finally getting over yourself,” he says with his face buried in Derek’s neck.

Derek’s responding laugh jostles both of them as he wraps his arms around Spencer’s small frame, loving the way he fits in the palms of his hands. “I’m sorry it took me so long, baby,” he says, tone transitioning into sincerity. “But they can’t wait to meet you, and you’re going to love them.”

“I know,” Spencer says drily, pulling back to look him in his eyes. “Why do you think I’ve been pushing to meet them for the last five years?”

Derek answers with a squeeze to Spencer’s waist and a kiss to his shoulder. “Go on,” he says, lifting him off his lap to sit on the sofa next to him. “Finish your dinner.”

“Mm, I think I’ve had enough,” Spencer hums nonchalantly, busying himself with putting the carton on the coffee table as if Derek doesn’t know him like the back of his hands.

“This is your favourite dish from your favourite Chinese and you’re expecting me to believe you’ve just had enough,” he says, raising an eyebrow. “What’s wrong, pretty boy?”

“Nothing,” Spencer says, but he sounds winded and Derek isn’t stupid. He levels him with a look. “Okay… I just feel a bit sick is all.”

“Floor, sofa, or bed?” He’s aware of the nausea protocol, and he moves his own dinner aside as he springs into action.

“Floor.” He’d been surprised the first time his boyfriend had crawled onto the floor and lay curled up until the nausea passed, but it was second-nature now. Apparently, the flat, firm surface was the most comfortable when such intense sickness consumed him.

“Okay, baby, let’s go.” He gently lifts Spencer off the sofa and down onto the floor, taking care not to jostle him too much. His eyes stay closed, face screwed up as he tries to weather the waves of nausea crashing over him. It never fails to make Derek’s heart twist in pain. “Are you actually going to be sick?” The majority of nausea spells usually pass on their own with no vomit to speak of, and Spencer’s usually very good at telling which kind it is.

“No,” he whispers, reaching his hand slowly towards Derek’s and gripping it tightly. He gets the message and lays down next to him, stroking his hair softly as they wait in silence for Spencer’s body to right itself. It only takes about twenty minutes to pass, and when it does, Derek carries him to bed, bringing him his toothbrush and a flannel as they follow another of their set routines that have been established over so many years of being together.

“I love you so much, Spencer Reid,” Derek murmurs as they lay in bed together that night, the soft light of their bedroom catching on Spencer’s cheekbones.

“I love you more, Derek Morgan,” Spencer whispers back, voice slurred as he cuddles further into the arms of his boyfriend.

“Not possible,” Derek insists, but Spencer’s already dropping off to sleep.

⭐️

Spencer wakes up on the day of the dinner party in what Derek can clearly see is nothing short of agony. He doesn’t try to hide it, they’re mostly past that now — although he still sometimes convinces himself he can handle smaller symptoms by himself, no matter how many times Derek insists they’re a team — but he doesn’t say much either. The morning is spent on the sofa, using numerous heated blankets and painkiller combinations until he can at least think straight.

“How do you feel about this evening?” Derek asks as lunchtime approaches, rubbing Spencer’s good arm gently as he leans against him, legs outstretched on the chaise.

Spencer hums. “I’m gonna take a nap after lunch,” he decides after a moment of deliberation, “and then decide. I think with meds and the wheelchair, I’ll be okay.” He pauses for a moment as he nibbles nervously on his bottom lip. “Do you think they’ll be weird about the chair?”

“No, baby,” Derek says decisively. Really, he can’t believe he ever thought anything different, but he was scared and fear easily spirals into irrationality. “They won’t even blink. Especially since I warned them about the mobility aids. I think they’d be more surprised if you walked into the Rossi mansion.”

“You sure?”

It hurts Derek’s heart to hear him so anxious and uncertain, and it’s only more painful because he knows it's rooted in experience. He’s had to fight for most of his life to be seen as a competent adult, equal to his peers despite his disability, and people can be cruel. “I’m sure. And even if for some reason they were dicks about it, I’m there, okay? Nobody’s gonna get away with being anything other than an angel towards you when I’m around.”

Spencer giggles at that, turning his head into Derek’s chest. “You turn into the hulk when you’re protecting me.”

“I do,” he agrees, chuckling at the sound of Spencer’s adorable laugh, “and for good reason. No-one hurts my baby. You know that, and everyone else knows it, too. We’re gonna be just fine, pretty boy.”

Spencer sighs, reassured by Derek’s words. “Love you,” he whispers, twisting a bit to press a kiss to the side of Derek’s neck.

“I love you more,” Derek promises, lifting a hand to rest on Spencer’s cheek.

“Not possible.”

The rest of the day passes slowly as Spencer takes it easy, deciding that he’s definitely up to it after a decent nap curled up against a reading Derek. They get ready together, Derek helping him shower when his arms hurt too much to wash his hair and getting him dressed in his favourite outfit before dressing himself.

By the time six thirty rolls around, Spencer’s feeling a little bit better, his meds are hitting the spot and they’ve mastered all the wheelchair adaptations to make his life as easy as possible over the years. His cushions and heated seats connected to the wheelchair’s motor, which he uses to help self-propell at work, ease the pain as much as they can and the built in phone charger always makes him popular whenever they go out with friends. Plus, his cane and crutches connect neatly to the back of the chair, giving him more options, which is especially helpful on nights like this.

“Comfy?” Derek asks as he pushes him out of the apartment and into the hallway, locking the door behind them.

Spencer hums in affirmation, wiggling a little as he settles into the warm support of the chair. They have a ground floor apartment for safety reasons: Spencer needs to be able to exit the building if the lifts stop working, but it’s also convenient. They get down to the garage quickly and Derek helps him into the passenger seat before packing the wheelchair in the boot.

He spends the journey in contemplative silence and Derek can’t keep himself from shooting worried looks his way. His hand makes its way onto Spencer’s knee and he rubs his thumb gently against the skin, before stilling the digit, all too conscious of how painful repetitive stimulus can be, especially on days like these.

“Stop worrying, baby,” he says, ten minutes into the drive when Spencer still hasn’t said a word. His bottom lip is chapped from the worried chewing it has endured for most of the day. “They’re going to love you, I promise.”

“You really think so?”

Derek’s about to answer quickly but he looks over and sees how absolutely dead serious Spencer is. He sighs. “Let me tell you exactly why. Alex is a fellow academic with the softest streak of anyone in the BAU field team. Emily and JJ have the ability to befriend literally anyone, and Penelope already is in love with you, just from what I’ve said about you. She’s told me so multiple times. Rossi immediately accommodated you and wasn’t at all fazed when I mentioned your disability. Hotch is a gentle fatherly type when he’s talking to good people and the rest of the team, so he’ll just be interested in you as a person. There’s no-one I’m worried about, okay?”

“Okay,” Spencer whispers eventually, finally sounding like he actually believes him.

“Besides, you’ve already got one member of this team whipped,” Derek smirks, glancing over at him again.

He considers it a win when Spencer rolls his eyes, and his grin couldn’t be wider when he hears him mumble, “arrogant asshole” under his breath.

Derek’s grateful Rossi doesn’t have a gravel driveway as he gets Spencer out of the car and into his wheelchair, before pushing him the short way to the front door. They’d battled some tough terrain over the years, and gravel was absolutely his least favourite. As they approach the house, though, he notices that Spencer’s grip on his armrest is tight enough that his knuckles are white, and it hurts Derek’s heart that he’s only this nervous because real people and real experiences have given him genuine reason to be.

Before he gets to knock, though, the door is thrown open by an uncontainably excited Penelope. “You’re here!” she shouts, and completely bypasses Derek to shake Spencer’s hand. He’s glad she doesn’t crouch, just leans down a little so he doesn't have to reach up so far. “You must be Spencer. I’m Penelope. It is a crime that Derek has kept us apart for so long, but none of that matters now. Would you like me to push you in through to meet the others?”

“Um, it’s nice to finally meet you, Penelope,” he says, smiling at her genuinely. “Would you mind if Derek keeps pushing me, though?”

“Oh, no, that’s fine!” Her smile doesn’t drop a bit. “Come through, everyone’s already in the living room. Oh, and hi Chocolate Thunder.” She sends him a quick wink.

“Hi, Mama,” he says, rolling his eyes. He’s grinning, though. So far, so good.

They follow Penelope further into the house after Derek closes the door behind them, and the girls get up first. “Spencer, oh it’s so good to meet you,” Emily says, coming up and shaking his hand. “I’m Emily, this is JJ.”

“Hi,” JJ says, shaking his hand too, giving him a conspiratorial look. “I’m glad we finally bullied Derek into bringing his oh-so-secret beau to meet us.”

Derek just grins. “What can I say? I’m protective of my baby.” He reaches down and placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently.

“Ignore this caveman,” Spencer laughs, and Derek is sure he rolls his eyes again. “I’ve been dying to meet you all, too.”

“Well, it’s our pleasure,” Alex says, coming up for her turn. “I’m Alex. Your paper ‘How Thinking Makes Us Write’ you published a couple of years ago is incredible; I used it in my Psychology of Writing class last year and only just realised it was written by Derek’s top-secret boyfriend! I’d love to talk to you more about that later.”

“That’s so cool, wow, yeah I’d love that.” He smiles at her, clearly feeling a little flattered by the immediate praise of his work. Derek thinks it’s the least he deserves.

“I’m Aaron, but everyone calls me Hotch,” Hotch says as he and Rossi step forward, a warm smile on his face. “Sorry to overwhelm you with all these introductions, but it’s lovely to meet you. It really is a shame Derek’s been so secretive.”

Spencer smiles up at him. “Are we all going to dunk on Derek all night? Because if that’s the case, I’m glad I came,” he laughs, twisting around slightly to look at Derek.

“Yeah, yeah, keep talking, pretty boy,” he says, raising a brow. “Two can play at that game.”

“You’re too whipped, I’m not worried,” Spencer dismisses him, before touching his hand lovingly, letting him know that he’s only teasing.

“I don’t doubt it,” Rossi says. “I’m Dave, or Rossi, whichever you prefer. I actually own this house, despite being the last in line for a formal introduction. I’m sorry I didn’t greet you at the door, Penelope had been waiting on the stairs for half an hour so she could be the first to greet you.”

“That true, baby girl?” Derek chuckles, looking over at her.

She doesn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed, but then Derek doesn’t know what else he expected. “This is on you,” she defends herself, “if you hadn’t waited so long to introduce me to baby genius here, I wouldn’t have been so desperate to meet him.”

Spencer laughs at their interaction, turning his attention back to Rossi. “It’s nice to meet you,” he says. “Derek told me you were really accommodating, so thank you for that.”

He waves the thanks aside with a dismissive hand. “It’s nothing. Speaking of which, though, would you rather eat in your wheelchair or transfer to one of the dining chairs.”

Derek knows what’s about to happen even before he sees Spencer tense up. “Give us one second,” he says, wheeling him out into the hallway. Decisions are really hard for Spencer to make on bad days, especially those that pertain to his health or needs, and being under the eyes of so many people was not about to make that an easy interaction.

“Derek…” Spencer says anxiously, looking at him for help as he feels his mind spiral into fogginess at the question.

“Okay, it’s okay, baby,” he says soothingly, crouching down in front of him to be at eye level. He takes his hand and kisses it gently. “Do your hips need a break from the chair or would it be more painful to transfer?”

Phrasing questions like Rossi’s as directly applicable choices is always more digestible for Spencer and he sees him visibly relax at his words. “Hips need a break.”

“Great,” Derek says. “Do you want to go back in or do you need a minute to yourself?”

“No, I’m fine,” Spencer says, and he believes him. He instantly relaxed at having made a decision. “Let’s go back in.”

“As you wish, sweetheart.”

They walk back into a room full of vibrant conversation and laughter. “Oh, Spencer, Spencer,” Emily says, immediately roping him back into the conversation without making a big deal of him having to leave the room, “we’re debating whether Derek’s really the slob Alex insists he is. You need to help us settle it.”

“I shared a room with him once, okay,” she says, “it was a state!”

“I don’t doubt it,” Spencer agrees. “At home, he’s so anal about ‘everything in it’s place’ and won’t even let a mug sit on the counter without being washed up. But whenever we go away, he can’t keep the place clean, it’s the weirdest thing. It’s like his suitcase vomits its contents all over the room.”

“Hey, I didn’t know this dinner was gonna be all about airing my dirty laundry,” Derek laughs.

“Literally,” JJ points out.

“Right,” Rossi says, interrupting the laughter filling the room. “Dinner is ready, so we should eat. Did you come to a decision about seating, Spencer?” Derek’s impressed at how much he knows about accommodating disabilities. He probably has someone close to him who’s been through something similar to Spencer.

“I’ll transfer,” he confirms.

“Great, we can just move your wheelchair to the hall once you’re settled so it’s not in the way, if that’s okay?”

At Spencer’s nod, they all file into the kitchen/dining area and choose their places. Penelope bags the seat to Spencer’s left, Derek sitting to his right, as the other girls sit opposite them. Hotch and Rossi sit at Derek's end of the table. He holds hands with Spencer under the table all through the delicious pasta primavera, helping to ground him, reminding him he’s right there.

Conversation and laughter flows with the wine Rossi serves, and Derek doesn’t even mind his embarrassing stories being shared with the team, because it’s Spencer, and he’s so far gone for this man that he could slice him open and with his dying breath, Derek would thank him.

“I love you, really,” Spencer grins up at him, after he’s just revealed his Nina Simone shower concerts to everyone sitting around the table, everyone cracking up as the tough exterior Derek’s built up at work over the years slowly disintegrates, his own boyfriend fuelling the fire.

“And I love you, baby,” he says, leaning over to kiss him briefly, before pulling back. “Even when you spill my deepest darkest secrets.”

“Well, aren’t you two just the cutest,” Alex says fondly. “You’re a lucky man, Derek.”

“No, I’m the lucky one,” Spencer insists. “Do you know what he said when we first met? We were at the supermarket, and I was reaching for some baby carrots. He said ‘whoa, pretty boy, don’t get those ones. They go off far too quickly. Someone as beautiful as you deserves better than that’. No mention of the wheelchair or bags under my eyes. He didn’t see Disabled Spencer, he just saw Spencer. Asked for my number then and there.”

“You were irresistible,” Derek says fondly, brushing a thumb against his cheek. “I knew right at that moment I would spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Stop,” Penelope begs, “my heart is literally a puddle on the floor. This world needs more Derek Morgans.”

“I’ll toast to that,” JJ says, her face just as soft as Penelope’s.

“A real toast,” Hotch says, raising his glass with a happy smile on his face. Derek very rarely sees such a relaxed expression on his face, and as much as they have their disagreements, it’s a nice thing to see. “A toast to Derek and Spencer. May your happiness live long and be as contagious as it is tonight.”

Everyone toasts to his words, and Spencer buries his face in Derek’s shoulder, a little embarrassed at the attention. They sit around the table a little longer, but Spencer slowly sags against his body, finding it painful to keep himself upright.

Noticing this, Penelope claps her hands. “Shall we move back to the living room? I bought chocolate and Rossi has wine.”

“This is true,” Rossi says as they all get up. He grabs Spencer’s wheelchair from the hall and Derek helps him back into it as they head back to the sofas.

“It’s weird using my chair inside,” Spencer laughs as Derek pulls him into his chest so he doesn’t have to keep himself steady upright, everyone else settling themselves around the room.

“Do you not need it often?” Hotch asks.

“No, I need it quite a lot. I just don’t usually have to. Derek’s usually fairly insistent on carrying me around our apartment.”

“We’ll never live in a big house,” Derek says, chuckling along with anyone else. “I couldn’t haul this big lug around a Rossi mansion, now could I?”

“Hey!” Spencer smacks his side lightly.

“You’re 6 foot tall, baby,” Derek defends himself. “You might be tiny but there’s still a lot of you.”

“Fair enough,” Spencer acquiesces, laying his head just under Derek’s chin.

“Right,” Rossi says, coming back into the room, “I have more of your non-alcoholic wine, Spencer, and more of the real stuff for everyone else. Hand out the chocolates, Penelope, and we’ll have ourselves some satisfied guests.”

“I don’t live here, old man,” Penelope says, raising an eyebrow but getting up from her seat cuddled against Emily and JJ anyway.

“Hey, you answered the door to pretty much everyone today; you’re co-hosting.”

“Can’t argue with that, Penelope,” Emily says drily, looking on amusedly as she huffs but hands out the chocolates anyway.

Derek discreetly pops two painkillers out in his pocket and hands it to Spencer, who swallows them down with a sip of his non-alcoholic wine, relaxing as they start to take effect. They all chat leisurely for a while, enjoying each other’s company in a non-pressured environment where they’re not surrounded by high profile cases and serial killers.

Eventually, though, Spencer starts to fall asleep on his chest, clearly feeling relaxed enough in the warm room, pressed up against his boyfriend and surrounded by the reassuring conversation of people he trusts. As soon as Derek notices, though, he knows it’s time to get him home and into bed before any true crisis of pain or fatigue takes place.

“I think we’ll need to get going, guys,” he says quietly, drawing everyone’s attention to Spencer’s dozing form. He watches as their faces soften and conversation quietens, everyone clearly enamoured with his boyfriend. It occurs to him that he feels no jealousy, only pride that he gets to call this wonderful man his, that he’ll be going home with him tonight, tucking him into bed and cuddling him until he falls asleep.

He shakes Spencer gently, and the others start to get up, tidying or just moving through to the kitchen so as not to embarrass him when he opens his eyes. “Sorry,” he murmurs sleepily, as he looks up at Derek. “I’m tired.”

“I know, baby,” he says softly, feeling so fond his heart could burst. “Let’s get you home, yeah?”

Everyone’s sad to see him go, gathering at the front door to say their goodbyes.

“You are invited to every BAU event from hereon in,” Penelope asserts confidently as she leans down for a gentle hug. She whispers, “you’re better company than Derek, anyway.”

“I heard that, Mama,” he says, poking her in the side.

“You were meant to,” she says, sending him a pointed look, before dropping the act and wrapping him in a hug as the others say goodbye to Spencer.

“It was so nice to finally meet you, Spencer,” Hotch says warmly. “Derek had better not keep us from seeing anymore of you.”

“I’m not sure I could possibly get away with that anymore,” he sighs. “Guess I’ll have to share my baby with you assholes.”

Spencer rolls his eyes at that, stifling a yawn. “Come on, caveman,” he says, rolling his eyes again. “I need to get home.”

“Anything for you, my highness,” he chuckles, before lifting his chin with his knuckle and bending down to kiss him briefly.

“Bye, lovebirds,” Emily calls as they make their way to their car.

“Drive safely,” JJ shouts, which makes Derek laugh fondly. He does love his team.

“See you on Monday,” he calls back as he helps Spencer into the passenger seat. They drive home in the comforting darkness of night, illuminated by the car and street lights of the city, and satisfaction pools in his stomach as he reflects on such a perfect evening as Spencer falls asleep against the passenger window. It really couldn’t have gone any better, and the relief he feels is staggering: the two most important facets of his life finally integrated after far too long.

While his whole life feels like it’s finally falling into place, all that really matters is that the man who is his entire world is happy, a small smile on his sleeping face as the shadows of the city brush their way over his cheekbones. He has to force his eyes back to the road, but he can’t resist the hand he slips into Spencer’s, or the smile that lights up his face as even in his sleep, Spencer’s fingers curl themselves around his.

Spencer's symptoms in this fic could fit any number of neurological conditions, but his unnamed condition was modelled on my own experience with fibromyalgia. I have a rather severe case, as would Spencer if he was diagnosed with this illness. The symptoms could also fit these conditions in one way or another: Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E.), Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS), Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis or Axial Spondyloarthritis, as well as others I'm sure I'm forgetting.

Everything about Spencer’s disability is true to the chronically ill/disabled experience as I know it, and to learn more please visit the end notes on AO3 where I explain in a little more detail some of the features of Spencer’s symptoms and condition.

<333

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @hotchgans @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith

#my writing #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #criminal minds writing #moreid #derek morgan/spencer reid #derek morgan x spencer reid #moreid fic #moreid fluff #moreid au #criminal minds au #disabled spencer reid

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allthebooksandcrannies · 4 years

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I know a lot of older people think it's a problem that so many young people don't want to have children, but I think it shows an increased understanding for how much of a responsibility parenting is and how much damage you can do to a child of you're not ready to raise someone.

I think that everyone is capable of being a good parent and I think that some people should never be parents. These may sound mutually exclusive but they aren't because there's a big if involved in the first half. That if, is that everyone is capable of being a good parent someday if they put in the work to take care of their own shit first.

When you become a parent or guardian, you are officially signing on to prioritize another person's physical and emotional needs before your own for the rest of their life. That means loving them no matter what they do or who they become. That means putting aside your own exhaustion and frustration at your day when they walk through the door so that you can be their champion and their confidant and their companion. That means teaching them how to process their emotions and think critically and empathetically and it means letting them find their own path, even if it's different than the one you wanted or imagined for them, but making it clear that if they need or want your comfort, your help, or just your ear that they will have it. You don't have to be perfect. No parent ever is, and it's important anyway for kids to learn in nontraumatic ways that adults make mistakes too and that's okay as long as you take responsibility for that and strive to learn and grow because of your mistakes. Kids learn by watching and listening to the adults around them and the things they conclude from those early years of observation will stick with them the rest of their lives.

I know that that sounds scary. It probably should because deciding to raise a child should be the biggest decision you can make, and if it's not, you may not be taking it seriously enough.

I also know that this is hard. And I have the greatest respect for people who truly understand this and decide to raise a tiny person anyway.

I'm also not trying to discourage you from becoming a parent. You may not be ready now, but that doesn't mean you can't be later. I personally would love to be a mom some day not I know that I have a lot of personal growth and healing I need to take care of first, to say nothing of the stabilization of my financial and career status.

The real question is what can you do to be a better parent, guardian, or even trusted adult to someone else's child (a really important and valid role and choice in itself!) later?

First off, you need to do some hard core introspection to figure out what traits and behaviors you have that might exhibit that would interfere in your ability to be a good parent. Maybe you're still emotionally immature. Maybe you're struggling with uncontrolled mental illness, chronic illness, or addiction. Maybe you've internalized some toxic ideas. Maybe you're still recovering from trauma or just now realizing that what you have even is trauma. None of these things makes you a bad person and none of them stops you from being capable to becoming a good parent. But, all of them can interfere with your ability to model healthy behaviors and coping skills to your child. Children learn through observation and, because their brains need the world to make sense and be predictable, they're going to interpret everytime you seem upset or lose your cool as being their fault. Young children aren't capable of going "mom is upset and snapped over something relatively trivial, she must be having a bad day/be tired/etc" because that's an interpretation of the world that is outside their control. Instead, they're going to go "I did x and mom got mad at me, it's my fault so I better not do x again" and that's a really harmful mindset that can contribute to self-worth issues and other mental illnesses like anxiety, especially if this happens long-term (for the record, you're going to make mistakes and you're going to snap over stupid things because being a grown-up is hard, so when you inevitably make this mistake it's important to be honest and upfront with your child about what happened, why, how it's not their fault, and you have to genuinely apologize for it, turning your mistake into a chance to model good adult behavior).

It's important to take care of yourself and let yourself grow and heal before bringing a kid into the mix because 1. you'll be a better parent if you start out in a better place emotionally and mentally, and 2. because you deserve the chance to be healthy and happy and it's much harder to address the things that are interfering with that when your also trying to juggle the additional emotional/mental demands of raising a child.

Additionally, I definitely recommend making sure you and anyone else taking a primary caretaker role in your child's life is in a stable financial and that the relationship between you and any other caretakers is stable and amicable regardless of what kind of relationship it is. The financial aspect is important because kids are expensive as hell (both the having/acquiring and the raising) and you want to be able to provide then with the best possible shot at life.

This isn't about me but I feel like the example will be helpful. We weren't poverty level growing up, but even as a child it was clear to me that we could be. My parents were 20 year old newlyweds when they got pregnant. My dad had been set up to inherit a position in his father and grandfather's construction company and did not go to college because they thought he was guaranteed a steady job. My mom was paying for a college education she couldn't afford because no one had ever explained how to get financial aid and scholarships to her and her parents were too caught up in their own shit to be anything but relieved about getting to make her future my dad's problem. Then they got pregnant. They started building a house that took much longer to build then expected because that construction business dad was expecting to inherit went out of business because it turned out that a cousin had been embezzling and my great-grandmother wouldn't let them sue or press charges against family. Mom had to drop out of college to raise me because daycare costs as much as she makes at work and she no longer has the time or funds. They had a baby they weren't prepared to raise and my dad's new job had him working in the Texas heat all day before going and working on our house at night so that we could move out of my maternal grandfather's house now that he was getting divorced and couldn't afford it. My parents society never saw each other and they were constantly worried about money. Less than two years after I was born they accidentally got pregnant with my brother. He ended up with failure to thrive and (although he did eventually recover) it raked up a serious amount of debt in addition to my mom's student loans and the mortgage. Flash forward four more years and my dad falls through a roof at a construction site and permanently cripples his ankle. Cue a year of the only breadwinner in the household being unable to work, several surgeries and massive medical bills we can't pay. A year after that my mom has to have a historectomy because her fibroids are causing immense pain and then they find pre-cancerous cells. Another year after that she starts having unexplained siezures and signs of organ failure that will take years to diagnose as a rare autoimmune disorder that will leave her disabled and, again, rake up serious medical debt. I found out in college that it came to the point that we almost lost the house but as a kid I still always knew we were struggling. And that fucks with a kid's head. There were reasons I didn't tell my parents that something was wrong for a week after I sprained my wrist when I was 10 and it wasn't just because I didn't want to sound like I was asking for attention (a phobia that also comes from having emotionally immature parents). I pushed myself ridiculously hard in school because I knew I couldn't expect any help paying for college from my parents. I still feel incredibly guilty anytime I spend more than 20 dollars even though it's my money and I need groceries or textbooks or gas or whatever. A lot of these issues would have been financially difficult and unpredictable, but had my parents been in a more stable position when they got married and started having kids, it would have been much easier to weather the storms.

Additionally, money is the main thing couples fight about, so if you can take that off the table as a significant concern before bringing kids into the mix, please do. Maslow's hierarchy of needs states that you can't address higher order concerns like personal growth of your worried about where your next meal is coming from and that goes for your children as well.

Again, I'm not trying to shame people for their financial difficulties. Most of us are playing at a game we were never intended to win and I get that not all children are planned. But, your good intentions unfortunately will not put food on the table or pay the rent and your children will have a lot less stress in their lives if you are able to make sure that things are as stable as possible before you bring them into it.

The same goes for your relationship with fellow caretakers. Don't try to have kids to save your relationship. Don't ever make your children feel like your relationship is in anyway their responsibility. Again, they need their world to make sense and if you're fighting they're probably going to assume it's somehow their fault. Don't do that to them.

Anyway, this rant turned out a lot longer than I intended but I think I needed to say it. In summary, raising children is not about you but your going to make it about you unless you take care of your own shit first. Children don't ask to be born. If you're not ready for that responsibility, either don't have kids or put in the work so that you will be. If you already have kids, and don't have your shit together, there's still time but it's going to be harder and you might have to do some damage control from any traumas you may have already inflicted on your child, regardless of your intentions. If that's the case, you have a responsibility to get your kid the help they need and do everything in your power to avoid further harm. You're the adult in this situation, and if you're going to be a parent, you need to act like it.

#parenting #emotionally immature parents #childhood trauma #parenting advice #personal rant #personal growth #original post

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atomkrp-blog · 5 years

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WELCOME TO XAVIER’S, PARK “NURI” CHAEYEON !

… loading statistics. currently aged twenty-seven, entering first semester of xavier’s in seoul, south korea. decrypting files… mutant has the following records: strength +2, durability+1, agility +8, dexterity +6, intelligence +8. currently, she is classified under tier omega.

BACKGROUND.

park chaeyeon should’ve been the apple of their eyes. she was supposed to have been their reward, after years of patient waiting and praying. she had been the culmination of all their efforts, going to fertility doctors, maintaining healthy diets, doing everything everyone had ever suggested to them to be able to conceive a child. yet she was a disappointment, a disgrace and a horror. she’d been born to a medical academic, and his society lady wife. they were the perfect couple within their social circles, having been high school sweethearts and marrying young when neither of them had anything.

her parents had built their reputations upon their blood, sweat and tears, and chaeyeon would’ve been the icing on the cake of their perfect marriage if she’d just been born right. the fact that she was blind and deaf upon birth had devastated her parents, they had waited so long for a medical miracle and after conceiving through ivf, their precious child was disabled. if only that had truly been the case. her eyes opened when she was a few months old, fully coming to her even before her first birthday but with a catch. her eyes were the usual newborn blue, but didn’t fade away to a normal shade of brown like either of her parents. instead, chaeyeon’s eyes became silver-green, an oddity that doctors explained as recessive genes.

her hearing went from near deaf to as sensitive as a dog’s, or a cat’s. the slightest thing would wake her up from naps and she remained constantly irritable as a toddler. her childhood was stressful on her mother, or moreso, the countless of nannies that she burned through because none of them would stay to look after the strange child of dr park. rumours spread during soirees about dr park’s daughter growing sharp canines instead of normal teeth, clawing at her caretakers with unnaturally sharp nails, and scaring the help. no matter how much madam han explained that her child was simply unique and had a frail constitution, no one would really believe them.

eventually, dr park and madam han fell from grace and several months later, it was announced that their beloved daughter, park chaeyeon, had passed away from illness. society grieved their loss with them and they regained some standing, but even the birth of their son a few years later never quite repaired their reputation as much as the rumours around chaeyeon had destroyed it. and as for park chaeyeon? well, the child didn’t really die but she might as well have and perhaps it would’ve been better for her if she had. although according to legal records, park chaeyeon was certified dead and her death accompanied by a formal funeral, the truth was that the child had been handed off to a government funded scientific research facility.

with her legal identity erased, park chaeyeon eventually became known as nuri within the research lab and her parents never turned back to look for the child they’d abandoned to scientists who were fascinated by the mutation in her genes and did not see her as human. officially classed as government property, nuri wasn’t a human anyway. and the things they put her through while she was locked up in the facility were atrocities against humanity. nobody gave half a shit about her wellbeing as long as she was alive to go through the next round of experimentations.

it was only until one of the scientists at the facility grew a conscience that she managed to escape from the facility grounds and into society. still, with her obviously mutant appearances, it was hard to survive for long. thankfully for nuri, scouts from the academy found her and carted her off to the academy to a safe place for her to hide. she’s been there ever since, learning how to conceal her appearances from humans who will stare and harbouring a deep anti-human sentiment. once she masters her mutation, there’s no way she’s sticking around at the academy to ‘help the world’ or 'maintain peace’.

MUTATION.

nuri possesses feline physiology, which gives her characteristics of felines both domestic and wild. she has predator instincts, is excellent at stealth tactics, and has retractable claws.

STRENGTHS.

predator instincts. nuri is excellent at the hunt. aided by night vision and an extraordinary sense of smell, if you handed her someone’s belongings and asked her to track the person down, she’d be able to do it much better than any police officer and probably faster too. she instinctually dominates over those she feels are weaker than her, mentally, and if she can weasel her way out of it, physically as well. trapping prey and sinking her metaphorical teeth into them is a piece of cake too.

stealth tactics. in a place that she’s unfamiliar with, you might be able to catch with her tail out if you squint really hard. in her own turf, it would be impossible to know where nuri was unless you had mutations yourself. she blends into shadows, is silent as death itself, and can sneak up on you before you even realise she exists. by the time you notice her, it might be too late. she knows the exits to every room and gets herself out of sticky situations with ease, thanks to her feline agility, which makes imprisoning her a tough task.

retractable claws. instead of human fingernails like most other people, nuri has a set of sharp claws that rest on her fingertips. she can extend them at will to attack people, or else she can keep them retracted and if she trims them, they’re pretty much no different from regular human fingernails. her claws are sharp enough to tear through flesh and rip apart layers of muscles, with enough effort from nuri.

WEAKNESSES.

appearances. her biggest weakness is her appearance, which draws the attention of anyone who even glances in her direction. nuri has silver-green eyes, sharpened teeth, pointed ear tips, and even a thin layer of black fur all over her body instead of regular human hair. it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that there’s something strange about her and most pinpoint her as an oddity, standing out from the crowd and it makes it the most difficult for her to survive anywhere other than the academy.

her predator instincts make her violent and irritable when she doesn’t manage her base needs. if she’s hungry, tired, or agitated and stressed out, her senses can go out of whack and she may end up hunting the wrong thing or going feral on whatever it is she was hunting even if her end goal was simply to find the thing or person. if she’s in a terrible condition (e.g: starving, badly hurt, exhausted, etc.), she may lose control of her higher thinking skills and lash out at anyone, even people she considers allies.

her stealth tactics are not infallible because she is simply making use of illusions, shadows and trickery to maintain her stealthiness. anyone with a mutation to see past her bullshit, or a human with enough stealth training themselves, will not be fooled which basically makes this aspect of her ability useless. especially to mutants with excellent sensory skills or telepathic skills to detect her presence even when she’s hiding, she can only try to rely on her other abilities to outwit them.

due to her feline physiology, it’s often mistaken that she can’t break bones. however, she actually breaks bones much easier than one might think and possibly even easier than her feline counterparts. while her agility allows her to rebalance and distribute her weight enough to withstand certain falls and jumps, throwing her hard enough or crashing into her will definitely break her bones. tried and tested. even with increased calcium intake, her bone density is much lesser than a regular human’s and she recovers slower from fractures and bone breaking.

she has a notoriously short attention span and is prone to growing bored easily. while she doesn’t display any other disordered symptoms (ADHD or otherwise), it takes a lot to keep her attention and entertain her. endurance-wise, it makes focusing during hunting and stealth activities a lot harder for her. she’s capable of doing many great things with her abilities, but so far they’re impeded by this weakness of hers. some of the scientists researching her theorised that it could be due to lack of proper stimulus and socialisation, so it is unclear as of yet whether this weakness can be worked on or is merely a genetic aspect of her mutation.

#at:profile #tw child abuse #tw ableism #tw human experimentation

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putris-et-mulier · 7 years

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I had a hard time growing up with my father cause he does what we'd call tough love I guess, but I'm pretty sure a lot of it was abuse. But I always wanted to have kids and I am really good with em, people always point it out cause theres this idea guys arent supposed to be good with kids, that is ridiculous. But I think I just wanna prove I'd be a better father than him... All the discussion here about abortion and reasons to be a parent and wanting to be kinda savior to your kids it really 1/2

it really made me reconsider why I want to have kids. I don’t think proving I’d be a good dad is enough reason and also seems like a burden to put on the kid… idk if this makes sense. I wouldn’t ask a girl to abort cause thats her decision and I’m bi so I also think a lot about adoption. If I happen to have kids I will try my best to be a good dad but now I think I will wait and try to work out my issues first… that I don’t anything to my father and I dont have to live to prove him wrong.

Firstly, you definitely need to work on those issues before you have children in any fashion, especially adoption, because not wanting disability doesn’t protect your children from becoming disabled

Secondly, you might want to consider adopting older NTAB children because so many don’t get adopted and if they do become disabled they will still have NTAB conditioning so it won’t be like raising a child from a foreign culture but even then you have to make sure it’s the right choice for you

Thirdly, you don’t have to prove anything.

As someone who has always been in and out of hospitals and doctors offices for 30 years I can tell you that male nurses are by far the best and most any female nurse that has worked with one will tell you the same.

There is this misconception that men can’t be carrying or compassion or safe but men who go into that line of work or just sincerely want to be fathers like mine are the absolute best. I know it takes a unique person to be like this, male or female, but in this case I think masculine conditioning is actually beneficial.

Cis women are expected to bear pain better than cis men despite what the social rhetoric says and because they are conditioned to hide pain so often they have less empathy for other people in pain. They are also expected to be in those positions so they tend to be there because it’s expected, not because they actually care.

For anyone out there male or non-binary who is interested in becoming a nurse or caretaker or aides in classrooms and at disabled camps or special ed teacher, or anything involving disabled kids, please pursue this interest!

I have MD and it’s very rare in females so when I went to MDA camp there were just a few of us girls in a cabin but many other ones for the male children. Before McDonald’s bought it and used it as a way to make money off of experimenting on disabled children (I haven’t mentioned that in a while so a lot of you may not know the story) anyway, before that the counselors were all teenagers. There was an adult staff but they were there to supervise all of us, having teenage NTAB counselors be the only ones that took care of us or live with us was absolutely amazing.

We didn’t feel like we were being monitored constantly because everyone was a teenager which meant they were young and cool, everybody wants to be a teenager when you’re a kid. They also treated us like we were just kids, not disabled kids. We were cute and we were just there to have fun around our own people so they were there primarily as counselors, no one had formal training or anything so they hadn’t been taught not to listen to us yet. They all knew first-aid and were told about the conditions but they didn’t know what to do to take care of us so they asked and they listened. It was like this magical place until McDonald’s House™ bought us but things weren’t quite as good for my male peers. But let me put my epiphany in context.

Every single night the teenagers had a huge party. They took shifts on who would stay with us at night so everyone spent at least half their nights getting absolutely wasted and having casual sex in the woods.

There was always one night when the campers all had a “dance” and the counselors were always excited to give us a good time because we were so adorably excited to have our own party with them. And the counselors off nighttime shift those nights partied heavier than ever and those who didn’t want to were more than happy to just sleep with us. They weren’t buzz skills, they were helping people party.

It was the closest thing to a utopia I’ve ever experienced.

None of this would be allowed to go on anymore and it wouldn’t have been at that time either if the adults knew what was going on but we were all in it together, we were all technically kids. Even though our counselors were also kids we were always the safest when they were running things. The type of person who is going to even be interested in doing something like this let alone doing it to that extent is still that type of person even if they are away from home. They partied hard, really hard, and since they had the freedom to do so they took responsibility. Everyone had equal time at the parties and none of them resented us because we weren’t a responsibility, we were just too young to party so everyone who actually wanted some sleep was happy to be there in the cabins with us at night, it was especially fun for us in the girls cabin because each night we had different counselors telling us all the gossip so we ended up knowing everyone’s dirty laundry.

There were a very few teenage campers but they were “allowed” to go to the parties because they weren’t crippled kids, they were other teenagers. This also encouraged the older kids with MD to feel like capable human beings and so they would help look after all of us kids which is an experience every disabled child should have. They were cool because they were teenagers but they were also one of us, they weren’t one of them.

None of them did this because anyone was trying to socialize them or “make them feel important” by giving them “responsibilities” they did it because they wanted to. Everyone was in on it together and everyone wanted to have the best time possible so they chipped in during so they could party harder at night. It probably goes without saying that it was an amazing example for those of us who were younger.

We were observant so we always knew when someone was being forced or “assigned” to look after us but these guys weren’t, they treated us like little brothers and sisters because our bond came organically. We actually had role models that were one of us, going to the camp was one of the first times that a lot of kids realized that they could have the chance to be actual teenagers.

It’s kind of funny, they were young enough that they didn’t have a hard time bouncing back from a night of drinking or going without sleep but it made mornings easier for us children because a lot of them were waking up with something that felt like a bit of chronic illness themselves so they couldn’t have forced us to use all of our spoons first thing in the morning even if they wanted to.

But one night a party had gotten too hardy and so there was a shortage of capable counselors the next morning and the shortage was in the male cabins, the girls could always hang. Our counselors split up to go help get all the kids up which took a lot of time. The counselors that were best taking care of us physically split up amongst all of the cabins and that morning we had some of the female counselors from the male cabins come to help us instead of all of our usual ones.

I got a girl I eventually got an innocent childhood crush on, she was always “one of the boys” but she was so confident that no one would have described her like that, she was just herself and that made her a badass. She was also beautiful but I did have legitimate non-shallow reasons!

I was a lot stronger then so I was taking off all of my pajamas as quickly as I could because we all knew about the situation so I was trying to get undressed as quickly as possible so she could help one of the younger kids but she stopped me from taking my shirt off.

She said that I could keep it on while she was helping me into my pants so I wouldn’t be completely naked. I laughed to let her know it was no big deal and told her that I didn’t mind. That’s what I learned to say to the nurses throughout my life to make them a little less resentful about me but it didn’t work on her.

She looked extremely frustrated and I realized years later she wasn’t frustrated with me, per se, she was frustrated with what I had said. She said, “there’s no reason you have to be completely naked in front of everyone, most people don’t do that.” I didn’t know what to do because I only learned to make “normal” people feel as comfortable as possible so I tried to tell her it was fine but she cut me off and said, “You know that I work in one of the boys cabins even though I’m a girl? It’s because there aren’t a lot of guy counselors so none of the boys get any modesty. I only help change one thing at a time so the boys don’t feel completely embarrassed and they still get to feel like boys.”

That was language I understood even if the concept blew me away and it’s something that comes to mind quite often.

I suddenly noticed that there were usually only people around us that had vaginas. That had to be weird for the guys. I then noticed that that they were treated like girls, not like NTAB boys. I’ve always wondered if it was any different for the boys who like other boys, because I figured that must make them more uncomfortable.

Disabled people are conditioned to be asexual but a heteronormative asexual. We are expected to get “crushes” and it’s completely safe because we can’t have sex. Why medical professionals think you can’t have sex because you sit down a lot I have no idea.

Imagine how little representation or participation socially that gender and sexual minority children get, it’s a million times worse when they are disabled. There has been and always will be a huge need for people to work in caretaking positions that aren’t cis women.

#Anonymous #Signal Boost™ disability #abelism #actually disabled #civil rights #Dear Christy

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rivetgoth · 5 years

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Since you’re on a Scream Park kick, I’m gonna ask; what do you think is the nature of Iggy’s relationship with Ogre? Buddies? Lovers? Brothers? I almost kinda lean toward Ogre being the younger, though larger, brother and that Iggy has been “looking after”/manipulating him his whole life. Despite Ogre’s strength he seems very submissive to Iggy and never questions (well, if he can talk lol) anything he asks of him. Thoughts? :D

THANK YOU FOR THIS I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS LAST NIGHT

So, firstly anyone who’s ever had the *honor* of watching Scream Park with me knows I’ll make stupid jokes about Iggy and Ogre being boyfriends/husbands cuz it’s low hanging fruit and I’m gay, but in seriousness I don’t ship them at all and I actually have no solid certain headcanon. I really wish we got some more backstory on Ogre and Iggy and got to see their interactions more cuz what we do see is really funny and like… cute in a way too and I wish I knew what that dynamic was on nights when they aren’t being paid to murder.

So here is what I do know: I read an article on Scream Park once that said that they were based on George and Lennie from Of Mice and Men, with Iggy obviously being the George of the duo. I don’t know if this was confirmed by a creator or if it’s just the writer’s analysis, but that’s here if you’re curious. I haven’t read the book in like nearly a decade now lol but it sounded kinda accurate from what I do remember, and at the very least I can really see it from Wikipedia’s character descriptions:

“George Milton: A quick-witted man who is Lennie’s guardian and best friend. His friendship with Lennie helps sustain his dream of a better future. He was bound in teasing Lennie since he was young. He is described by Steinbeck in the novel as ‘small and quick,’ every part of him being ‘defined,’ with small strong hands on slender arms. He has a dark face and ‘restless eyes’ and ‘sharp, strong features’ including a ‘thin, bony nose.’

Lennie Small: A mentally disabled, but gigantic and physically strong man who travels with George and is his constant companion. He dreams of ‘“living off the fatta’ the lan”’ and being able to tend to rabbits. His love for soft things conspires against him, mostly because he does not know his own strength, and eventually becomes his undoing. Steinbeck defines his appearance as George's ‘opposite,’ writing that he is a ‘huge man, shapeless of face, with large, pale eyes’ and ‘wide, sloping shoulders.’ Lennie walks heavily, dragging his feet a little, “the way a bear drags his paws,” adding that his arms do not swing at his sides, but hang loosely.”

I don’t really have anything too wildly deep to add to that, I guess I just read that and go “Oh yeah, I can see that” and move on LOL. Although I think you could extract a kind of interesting character analysis and headcanons if you’re looking at them as George and Lennie archetypes and you know that Iggy has taken on the job as much for money as for enjoyment (”I’m workin!”), but that’s kind of out there and probably a theory for another day. ANYWAY.

Interestingly I watched Scream Park like a day after rewatching Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and with that still fresh on my mind I got HUGE Chop Top & Leatherface vibes from Iggy & Ogre that I’d never really even thought about before. I love Chop Top and Leatherface’s interactions, I think they’re really funny and endearing, I always got the impression that Chop Top cares about Leatherface and likes his company but since the whole family is fucked up beyond belief the way he shows that can also sometimes be fucked up, y’know. But the fact that they’re always together and the way they team up and work together to kill and Chop Top’s high fiving Leatherface after was always really funny and cute to me and I kinda got that vibe a little from Iggy and Ogre this time around too I think.

Iggy is very very clearly in charge and the “brains” of the whole thing, he’s orchestrating the murder and he’s doing the talking and he’s getting caught up taunting and toying with his victims, so realistically Ogre would be the brawn in the scenario, but I always thought that was kind of interesting cuz Iggy doesn’t really NEED a “brawn.” Iggy is, assuming he’s Kevin Ogilvie’s height, over six feet tall. He’s clearly pretty strong and he’s got weapons. He’s clever and he takes out a good number of the victims all on his own. If Iggy wasn’t so keen on toying with his victims he coulda taken everyone out really quickly imo. He purposely lets Allison live to continue to mess with her. Ogre is kind of there as like… backup. He comes in handy when Iggy is attacked by the one punk kid whose name is escaping me and Ogre charges in and rescues him, so there’s a very obvious logical reason. Iggy knows people are gonna fight back - He’s planning on it, even, considering how much he fucking loves toying with them. Having backup is important. In fact, doesn’t Iggy explicitly at one point call Ogre over to “help him take out this last one,” something to that effect?

I just kind of get the vibe that Ogre and Iggy are a duo and Iggy wouldn’t WANT to do this without Ogre despite his frequent reprimanding, and they have a closer bond than we’re presented with on the screen. Like, they’re pals. Iggy is probably generally not fucking easy to get along with, so the insults can’t be helped. No one probably even knows he exists, he probably lives in the backwoods of Pennsylvania where there’s no laws to stop him from murdering whatever he wants and he’s clearly aggressive and lacking any sort of empathy or consideration for human life and I get the feeling that Ogre may very well be Iggy’s ONLY relationship, whatever it is. Iggy talks to him like he’s really familiar with him- “You dented can, I should leave your ass in here!” like he’s threatening to punish a child LOL. Iggy can be seen sorta directing him where to go early in the film (when he’s first revealed, in his plague doctor mask), and I love how he grabs Ogre by the chin and forcefully directs him to look at something at one point which is a funny little intimate gesture that I think also implies they have an established bond of some sort if that makes any sense at all. Like, there’s just little interactions that although aggressive on Iggy’s end also are just handled with enough familiarity that you can extract a little bit of affection there as well. There’s also the fact that both come to each other’s aid in times of need; Ogre, like I mentioned, defends Iggy and saves his life when one of the victims attacks him, and when Jennifer kills Ogre at the end Iggy is visibly angry and his voice rises in octave and he sounds genuinely surprised. It doesn’t sound like they were just, like, single-night business partners. Iggy doesn’t fucking care about human life enough that he’d react that way if it wasn’t someone he was familiar with on a deeper level.

So I GUESS….. this is all pretty long winded, but in seriousness, with the little bit about them that we do know, I’m leaning a lot towards your initial suggestion. I feel like Ogre and Iggy probably have a brotherly relationship. There’s no way to guess if they ARE brothers or if that’s just the type of connection they have, though (I kinda lean towards them not being biological brothers due to one specific line of dialogue I’m not gonna get into here). Either way, Iggy is definitely in a caretaker role here, and… although I think he’s pretty capable of taking care of himself, I think he also does depend on Ogre’s strength for protection and I think he… likes having his company. After all, he did choose to bring him along in the first place, and despite his threats he didn’t leave him locked in the cupboard LOL.

#I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE THIS IS A LOT LMAO #soft hooting #ask #pinksplendor

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drink-n-watch · 5 years

Text

Prophylaxis is a key concept of positional chess. It is a move, or sequence of moves, to deal with an opponent’s plan before it starts. Sometimes one can completely stop the threat; sometimes one just makes the plan relatively harmless.

You make me wish I had studied chess instead of learning just enough to get slaughtered in the one college tournament I entered… Oh, this is Crow, and I’ll use the bold font this week!

I must say, I really look forward to this show each week. It’s one of the few seasonal series I’ve watched that I can honestly say I can never wait until the next episode. If this was all out – I probably would have binged it in a day or two.

and now for a false sense of security…

Even though so far it’s brought a heck of a lot more questions than answers, it doesn’t bother me. For some reason I am confident that The Promised Neverland does know the answers and will eventually share them with us, unlike let’s just say…BoogiePop. What do you think Crow, are we just being led astray?

Remember Lost? It was a television series back in 2004. It was famous for coming up with all these outrageous ideas, stunning plot twists, and inscrutable characters. But early on I suspected what the writing team eventually admitted: They had no idea where they were going.

We might be wrong, but I see every sign that this writing team knows precisely what they’re doing. And they’re really good at it!

I’ve made a big mistake

We start things off with Sister’s offer. A very uneasy alliance to say the least. None of the reveals here were particularly surprising to me. I had always assumed that the caretakers were former farm kids and although I hadn’t thought about them having a kill switch, it fits perfectly with the universe we’ve come to know. It does bring up a question I thought of later, but we’ll get back to that. I think this opening scene served largely to show us that Krone isn’t as far gone as we may have thought.

I must say, there were a few moments during her speech where she seemed quite wistful. Sister isn’t dumb and she may not be entirely crazy, but she’s quite broken. I don’t think she ever reconciled herself with the reality the way Mom has (or even Ray…)

That lack of acceptance means she could never adjust her thinking, and it really showed later in this episode! She should not have been caught like she was!

The following scene had the kids reassess their situation. Once again Norman did his super wizkid act, seeing through Krone’s intentions (i.e. that she doesn’t have authority or credibility to turn them in so she’s looking for proof), while Emma was a tower of strength and Gilda showed timid caution. But did you see Don ask that super fair strategic question? Nevermind if they can trust Krone, do they even need her? Can they simply shut her out. It’s a great question and no one else asked. Go Don!

Now that they’ve showed they actually trust him, he’s finding his footing. I like how he’s developing.

way to follow the conversation!

This show is starting to make a habit out of leaving things unshown… We had Norman’s laugh and realization last time, now Emma’s favour. Emma asked something out of Gilda and Don she didn’t want Norman to hear. That is so out of character. Any idea what it might be?

I’m guessing it’s something Emma, Norman, and Ray can’t easily do. They know they’re under enhanced scrutiny. Something to help get the kids ready? Unobtrusively gathering supplies? And as I watched the scene, I wondered if she didn’t want Norman and Ray to know, or if she and Norman and Ray had arranged for that moment? As a demonstration of trust in Don and Gilda? But using a falsehood to demonstrate trust seems counter productive. I guess all that’s a fancy way of saying “I got nothing!”

I got to say there was some interesting CG this episode. The panning shot in the hallway as Emma and Norman gor the Sister’s room. Later the distorting close up on their faces as Sister closes in on them. The episode also used out of focus shots i a large number of scenes. I think this may be thematic. Things are getting murky… Maybe not. Anyways, not a bad way to spruce up visuals in another dialogue heavy episode.

Also, when Sister Krone approached them, did you see how they had to crane their necks father and farther back as she got closer! That really emphasized how tall she was — and how small they were.

It was a great way to add to the atmosphere.

unfortunately you can’t really show it in still shots

Unlike the opening scene, the conversation in Krone’s room was a treasure trove of information. But not exactly in what she said. I want to go through these with you, so please put up with me for a bit.

It’s a pivotal scene, so please take your time! I think the scene need a lot of unpacking!

I realized in the middle of the scene that something had been bothering me since the beginning. Actually, it was Krone’s use of the word “Headquarters”. This implies something limited. It’s not a country she didn’t talk about the Capital, the Palace or City Hall. It’s not a word usually associated with political leadership. She also didn’t talk about a Cathedral or Temple or anything that would give the idea of a religious or spiritual place. A headquarters is usually reserved for specific organizations with some type of mission, and more often than not competition or even adversaries. We use it for companies, armies, thieves guilds….Maybe I’m making way to much of these, it was a translation after all. Still it stuck with me.

I had assumed it was corporate, but now you have me wondering! Just what are these demons?

it’s complicated

The second unspoken revelation was that humans not eaten do exist. They make the clothes and bring materials. There was those books last week so we kinda had an inkling. Great revelation but the real question is why. Why are there free humans that exist, that the kids could just mix with? Why would those humans help the “demons”? (Krone seemed quite amused at the word). This doesn’t quite mesh with the idea of a world so overrun with monsters that the only way the can even get delicious delicious huma flesh is to grow it themselves… I figured there were breeding grounds but whole industries. Uncontrolled enough that 12 year old kids would go unnoticed?

Did you notice Sister Krone said that the humans were considered more or less their equals (“equal standing”)? That just reinforces the questions you just asked. It’s almost like the kids in Grace Field, Plant Three, are behind enemy lines, and the human nations are trying to give them aid.

There’s something so mundanely farm-like about the phrase “Grace Field, Plant Three” that’s chilling.

My farm knowledge is limited…they sounded like sects to me.

That’s even worse!

as if there was a way for things to get worse

And here’s the last one, the one that was actually from the opening scene but only hit me at this point, after I started wondering about the free humans… Why does Sister have a kill switch? Why would they care if a single Mother or sister escaped? Why would they care if dozens did? If the world is hostile and inhospitable to humans, that will already be a deterrent to most, and who cares about the few exceptions? Unless the world isn’t that difficult to survive in… And the “demons’ ” numbers are too small for more direct patrolling… Maybe?

That’s another thing that made it seem like the kids are in a prisoners of war camp (but are produced by breeding instead of captured). The demons don’t want anyone escaping to tell the human nations what’s up? All conjecture, of course…

And who’s this “Him” that Sister Krone mentioned? What’d you think of Sister Krone’s diabolical laugh before she schooled Emma and Norman on the art of deception — and showing them how far they were from mastering it?

Oh yeah another puzzle for us…assuming we can trust a word Krone says. This is kinda the thesis of the episode…

this doesn’t actually prove anything

And at this point we catch up with Ray and Mom. I like Ray, and I’m pretty sure Isabella does too. He was quite endearing with his excitement over the camera. Even though he just wanted it as a tool, he’s still into it like any kid would be.

Did you find that as heart-breaking as I did? I used to tear into cameras and radios and engines when I was his age. We shared a curiosity that made me nostalgic — until I remembered he’s about to be shipped out.

I am weirdly attached to Ray. For some reason I want to comfort him most. Maybe because he was carrying the burden by himself for so long.

smiling Ray is so bittersweet

At the end of this scene, Mom crosses off a date in the calendar and says “Well now, I think it’s about time”. Who was she talking to? Ray was long gone and there was no indication anyone came in. She was looking at the camera. Was this a sudden 4th wall break for no reason?

I wonder in retrospect if it had anything to do with the letter Isabella handed to Sister Krone?

I thought about that too. Still weird of Mom to talk to herself…

wait – everything is a dream Mom is having!

Sister isn’t dumb but she underestimates her opponents.

Fatally, I think. And speaking of the letter Isabella handed her, did you see Isabella’s expression? Is she as cold as ice and hard as steel or what? Dang, I’d hate to play poker against her!

Oh Mom remains one of the most threatening antagonists I’ve seen in a long long time. She might be on par with Griffith. That’s saying a lot.

I’m not sure who the kid that interrupts Krone is, but they should leave him behind. He is DEFINITELY going to slow them down…

On a Christmas tree, he likely would not be the brightest bulb or LED.

sorry kid, you seem nice but you know…

OK well now the show did it again – WHAT’S IN THE NOTE!!!???!!! AND in the letter from “Headquarters”. GWAHHHH tell me!!!

Did you see what Sister Krone did when she saw the letter opener? Did she try to defend herself? Preemptively try to disable Isabella, since she’s so much bigger? No. She winced and closed her eyes, waiting for the fatal strike. Isabella is flat-out scary!

So um, there’s only 5 episodes left. Either that’s gonna be one smooth escape or everyone’s gonna die real quick. Or we are looking at season 1 of more… The manga is ongoing and there’s at least two season’s worth already published so… Thoughts?

There’s no way they can resolve this in five episodes, and just from a business perspective, they’d be foolish to artificially cut this short. They have to see it through to the end, so it’s season 1 of x, isn’t it?

Or what if it’s like Gray’s Anatomy, where they periodically bring a new class of kids in to replace those who didn’t make it? Each successive class gets closer and closer to escape… I’m not sure my heart could take it!

What’s amazing to me is that the writers have been able to maintain the level of tension — with so little action! I was on the edge of my seat after Sister Krone found the note under Ray’s bed. And we didn’t even find out what it said!

Good stuff…

Very good stuff!

The Promised Neverland Episode 1

The Promised Neverland Episode 2

The Promised Neverland Episode 3

The Promised Neverland Episode 4

The Promised Neverland Episode 5

The Promised Neverland Episode 6

And here are a whole bunch more pictures for you!

The Promised Neverland Episode 7 – Prophylaxis Prophylaxis is a key concept of positional chess. It is a move, or sequence of moves, to deal with an opponent's plan before it starts.

#action #anime #Collab #drama #dystopian #episodic #Promised Neverland #suspense

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