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procrastinatingsapphictrash · 3 years

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Migraines

Word count: 1679

Genre: Hurt/comfort

Pairings: Natasha x fem!reader, platonic avengers x fem!reader

Warnings: Some swearing (let me know if I need to add more)

Request: hi~ was wondering if you’d do a natasha x reader with a dash of platonic avengers when reader has chronic migraines but hasn’t told nat so ends up in random places to try and sleep them away and the others keep finding her and then nat figures out she’s hiding something and feels hurt but ends fluffy wanting to take care of reader next time? you can choose who and change any part you want!

Summary: Reader gets really bad migraines and is constantly being found by the team when she wants to be alone, however her girlfriend Natasha doesn’t know what’s going on.

A/n: This request was for @casperlikej so I hope you like it! Also I would like to mention that I know next to nothing about migraines so this probably won’t be super accurate but hopefully it’s ok to read anyways. I’m queuing this to come out on Sunday so that over the weekend I can work on the friends to enemies to lovers three part series and get that out soon (no I have not forgotten about that request). I am only like a sixth into that series but so far I’m super proud of it so I can’t wait to get it done! Also if anyone has ideas, feel free to request anything because I like having multiple fic ideas to think of at all times. Anyways I’m rambling now but I hope you enjoy this fic!

You hated being away from Natasha because although you had only been together for a few months and only known her for half a year you were sure you loved her but sometimes you just couldn’t stand pretending to be okay in front of her so you would hide yourself away. Currently your favourite place to hide was a nice rocking chair near the medbay area that was tucked away in the corner of a room. Barely anyone ever went by and the few that did never seemed to notice, giving you the anonymously you needed in order to curl up with your head in your knees and try to calm your head down.

“Y/n? What are you doing here?” You hear Tony’s voice ask and you startle.

“Oh, um, I’m just spending time with myself.” You respond lamely as Tony raises an eyebrow.

“You never spend time by yourself,” he points out, “whenever you want to get away from us you always spend time with Natasha.”

“I am alone sometimes.” You say starting to get annoyed.

He scoffs. “No you aren’t, is everything ok between you two?”

“Everything is fine, just leave!” You snap at him. He hesitates in leaving the room but ultimately goes without saying another word after seeing how intensely you started glaring at him. It takes longer than usual for your migraine to go away because usually staying level headed helped but at least you yelling got Tony out of the room and to stop asking questions.

---

It was only a few days later that you got another migraine. You excuse yourself from the room you were sitting in with Bruce, Tony and Nat, mumbling some bullshit about needing to go to the store and ignoring Tony’s worried look on your way out. You knew that Tony would come looking for you in your old place so you decide to hole up in the room near the pad Thor uses whenever he visits earth. Today wasn’t a very bad migraine because you were able to catch the signs early but it still takes slightly over an hour for your head to stop pounding. You’re about to leave the room and go back to find the others but just to your luck Thor happens to arrive today unscheduled, something that only happens every few weeks.

“Lady Y/l/n!” his voice booms happily as he steps inside, “it’s so good to see you, but what are you doing here, I wasn’t aware I had informed anyone of my arrival.”

You laugh slightly at his formal way of speaking and confused expression. “You didn’t, I just happened to be here because I was trying to be alone for awhile.”

“Are you feeling unwell?” He asks, looking concerned.

“Not at all,” you reassure him, “in fact I was just about to go back to the others when you arrived, shall we find them together?” He nods eagerly, holding out his arm for you to hook onto like a true gentleman.

---

The next time you try to hide away you’re talking to Steve and he isn’t getting your subtle cues that you want to leave so he just keeps talking. You think he is talking about some sort of mission but honestly you don’t know because it physically hurts your brain to pay attention. You want to yell at him so badly but you can’t bring yourself to because he isn't trying to hurt you at all and he’s too nice to be angry at.

“You agree Y/n?” You manage to make out.

“Yes.” You say, not knowing what you’re even agreeing to.

“Great, I’ll go talk to the others, see you tomorrow for the morning training!” He says before walking off. You groan out loud as soon as you can no longer see him, partly because of how much your head hurts and partly because you accidentally told Steve that morning training was a good idea. This time you just plop yourself on the nearest couch and hope nobody finds you.

---

You stumble into Bruce’s lab calling out for him. It had been over a week since your last migraine and encounter with Steve, one of the longest breaks you’ve had within recent memory but that came back to bite you in the ass when today’s was worse than ever before, even blurring your vision a little because of the pain.

Bruce stands up from behind a pile of boxes. “Y/n, what brings you here.”

“Pain meds now.” You order in a weak voice. He looks curious but doesn’t question you, heading towards a back cabinet and pulling out a bottle of pills. You immediately take two and swallow, ignoring him scolding you that you should only take one. Luckily since Bruce invented them himself it only took about five minutes for them to kick in.

“Sorry, I had a really bad headache.” You tell him which is a half truth.

He looks at you in concern. “Are you sure that was only a headache? It looked bad.”

You wave him off, heading towards the door because you didn’t want him to ask anymore questions. “I’m fine Brucie, thanks again!” He sighs and shakes his head as he watches you leave, worried but deciding it’s not his place to badger you about it.

---

Since every time you got a migraine you always ended up around one of the others you made a plan so that you could avoid everyone because you knew that one day your luck was going to end and Natasha would be the one to find you. You knew that she wouldn’t be mad at you or anything since you can’t control them but the relationship is still new and you don’t want to badger her with any of your problems.

That’s why as soon as you start to feel a migraine coming on you hoist yourself up into the vents above your (sort of) shared room with Natasha where you had left a blanket and some pillows to relax with… only to find Clint waiting for you there.

“I was wondering who had left these up there.” He says, seeming like it was a perfectly natural thing for him to be in the vents above your room. You decide not to question it, only sighing because you know that conversation would take up too many thoughts that you don’t have space for right now. You’re just so fucking done with your migraines and want them to go away.

Clint notices your sadden expression and is serious for once. “Y/n, what’s going on?”

“I get these stupid fucking migraines and it only seems to be getting worse and I don’t want anyone to think I’m weak and I want Natasha but I don’t want to bother her with my problems.” You unload, holding back tears.

“I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t know how to make you feel better,” he confesses, “however why don’t you try to take a nap in your own bed and if you really don’t want Tasha to find you I can keep her distracted.” You nod and he helps you back out of the vents, climbing down after you.

“Clint?” you say as he’s leaving the room and he turns around, “thanks.”

---

Clint makes his way to the common room where he sees Steve talking to Natasha.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” He asks with a smile, faltering when he sees Natasha looks upset. “Nat, what’s wrong?”

“I think Y/n is going to break up with me.” She says, her voice thick with emotion.

Steve frowns. “I told you not to jump to conclusions, maybe you should just talk to her.” Natasha just shakes her head, looking down and taking a deep breath, trying to regulate her emotions.

“Y/n’s going to hate me for this,” Clint says as two pairs of eyes turn to him, “but you should go to your room, I promise that she’s not planning on breaking up with you.”

Natasha noticeably brightens. “Are you sure?”

Clint nods. “I’m sure, she said not even five minutes ago that she wanted you. She’s going through some shit right now that you should talk to her about but she wouldn’t break up with you.”

“Thanks.” Natasha replies, before hurrying to your shared room, worried about you after what Clint said.

---

You curl up on the bed and let a few tears fall out and before long you are full on sobbing. You always try to stay strong and not cry but you just can’t deal with the migraines anymore. The bed shifts behind you and you sit up straight looking behind you. Natasha is climbing on to it and looking at you with a worried expression on her face.

“I thought Clint was going to keep you busy.” You say, sniffling to try to stop your tears.

“He must have lied because he told me to come here.” She responds.

“He’s an asshole.”

She gives a small laugh. “Normally yes, but he did the right thing, I want to help you with whatever is upsetting you.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with me like this,” you tell her, “my migraines are my problem that I have to deal with.”

She moves across the bed and puts her arms around you. “No sweetheart, I’m here with you.” You start to cry again, this time while it’s slightly from the pain it’s mostly because you feel so overwhelmed with how much she supports you. She pulls you in tightly to her chest, and plants a kiss on the top of your head.

“I will always be here for you if you need something ok?” she says. “But now you need to rest.”

“But-” you start to protest before she cuts you off.

“No buts, you need sleep.” She says while shushing you. You wiggle back, trying to be as far into arms as possible before you slowly drift off, the pain of the migraine going away and all you can feel is warmth.

---

Taglist: @fayhar @stephanieromanoff @stop-drop-and-drumroll @acertainredhead (if you want to be added, comment, send an ask, or message me)

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #black widow #black widow x reader #avengers #avengers x reader #platonic avengers x reader #marvel reader insert #marvel fanfiction #x reader

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y-not-loki · 5 years

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The Royal Ass(hole) | Loki L.

A/N: So this is really horrible (because I refuse to say the swear word equivalent of poopy, even though this one-shot swears... a lot). I’m so sorry this took so long to finish, and it’s of poor quality as well. Anyway, this is for @hollandroos‘s 15k writing challenge (CONGRATULATIONS, YOU AMAZING HUMAN). Another thing that may add to the fact that this is late, is because I had to retype everything word for word from my Word document simply because my MacBook Air doesn’t want to co-operate with me the same way that my other laptop did.

Warnings: A LOT OF SWEARING (or a lot by my standards). That’s about it, let me know if more warnings need to be added.

Word Count: 3 200

Blurb: (Y/N) is one of Fury’s most trusted advisors and probably one of the most powerful mutants in existence. (Y/N) was also somehow tricked into babysitting Loki for his (hopefully) brief banishment to Midgard by Fury. Somehow Fury managed to save up the 50 favours required for something as drastic as this, and (Y/N) is quite pissed that she had managed to get herself manipulated into this situation. Loki helps her plan revenge. Maybe Loki isn’t as much of a royal asshole, but he does have a nice royal ass.

Prompt: “I thought royals were supposed to be... you know, nice?”

*DISCLAIMER: I DON’T OWN ANYTHING IN THIS BUT THE PLOT*

“Sorry, Agent 21, you have to follow direct orders from the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D.” Fury gave (Y/N) a smirk, and she just scowled. “That and, as we agreed, I have saved up the 50 favours needed for something so important.”

“When I said that 50 favours were needed for something as important as babysitting a supervillain, I didn’t think you would take it seriously.” She grumbled and crossed her arms across her chest.

That didn’t help. Her wrist was now in sight and she could see the words etched into her skin. Everyone had one. Sometimes two or three. Hers was just the weirdest. It read: So this is the mortal that I am to be chained to? So she was assuming that her soulmate wasn’t of this world, and that she wouldn’t encounter him, her, or them any time soon. She didn’t need distractions.

“Just do it. It’ll give you a break.”

“A BREAK?! FROM DOING WHAT I ACTUALLY LIKE?!” She yelled, before taking a deep breath and then letting her arms drop to her sides.

“YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THIS ISN’T AN ORDER COMING FROM YOUR FRIEND, BUT FROM YOUR DIRECTOR. THIS IS FOR THE GREATER GOOD.” Fury yelled back, he didn’t often yell, preferring to scare others with quiet and deadpan expressions, but (Y/N) and Fury had known each other for quite a while, they knew each other from before time when neither of them had even heard of Carol Danvers. Whilst Fury looked like he had grown, eyepatch and everything, (Y/N) still looked like a 16-year-old or 17-year-old, even if she was only ten or so years younger than Director Fury.

“Greater good my ass.” (Y/N) muttered, putting her hands in the pockets of the sleeveless hoodie she wore over her ‘super-suit’ as Stark liked to call it. He had designed it specifically so that it would contain her abilities if she ever got out of control, and she wore it as often as she could in case she did go out of control. It had happened once, and she was never allowing it to happen again, but you could never be too careful.

“What was that?” Fury asked in a menacing, yet quiet, manner, and (Y/N) glanced over to him. He had amusement in his eye, but his facial expressions were set in stone, mouth in (somehow) a completely straight line, and his eyebrows furrowed with exasperation. One thing that caught her eyes, was the fact that his one, visible eye was bloodshot.

“I said, I’ll be next door, send the idiot who pissed you off over when they’re ready.”

“I’m almost certain that that wasn’t what you said.”

“Too bad you don’t have super-hearing”

“Too bad.” Fury chuckled as (Y/N) slammed the door behind her and sunk into one of the plain grey couches in the almost empty room.

It was one of the briefing rooms, especially made for top operatives where they met Fury for their special missions.

It had two identical grey couches, no vents or windows, only walls and the one door which was locked from the outside. There was a metal block between the two couches, and in the centre was a projector to project the mission and reports of any victims, targets, potential suspects and whatnot.

It wasn’t very high tech for the reason that they may have to host a supervillain and this was where the superhero met their arch nemesis and things exploded.

She didn’t buy into that bullshit. She fought and survived, only fought and survived. Whilst Nick Fury Jr. may have saved her life, he also doomed it the same day. Sure, she enjoyed working in the field and finding challenges to defeat and obstacles to work around, always keeping her body fit and mind sharp, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t harrowing.

She traced the words written in a neat cursive around her wrist like a bracelet. Everyone had one. She knew, because the first time she met Fury, he had scars around his wrist. I don’t need a soulmate. They’re a liability. He had said. Now look at him. He made friends, he had a mismatched family, he had more liabilities than (Y/N) had kills.

And she had been killing for a long time.

The door creaked open, and there could be bickering heard on the other side before a tall, pale man was shoved into the room, his long hair reaching his shoulders and he huffed, chains were connecting his waist, wrists and ankles, making every movement sound like a thunderclap to (Y/N)’s sensitive, enhanced ears. She was born with something like the Super Soldier Serum, but a hundred times stronger, although she didn’t have the strength aspect, only the speed and enhanced senses. There was one last thing that she could do, and that was what she was known for. Manipulation of living matter.

The mighty Thor strode in, as if he owned the place, but (Y/N) guessed that’s what he’d be used to after being a prince for his entire life, and now a king.

“Lady (Y/N), it is a pleasure to finally meet you. Director Fury talks very highly of you.” Thor bowed as (Y/N) stood up, and as (Y/N) drew closer, he snatched her hand and pressed his lips against her knuckles.

(Y/N) grimaced, not bothering to hide her discomfort. “Please do not touch me without warning, lest you find yourself dismembered. And whatever Fury told you about me may be due to the fact that I am his best weapon.” She told him emotionlessly, before turning to the other prince. He had a look of disgust and indifference.

“So this is the mortal that I am to be chained to?” He sneered, and (Y/N) could feel the blood leave her face. Quick, think of a smart response. This is the person you have to be chained to for the rest of your life. (Y/N)’s mind raced and she panicked.

“I thought royals were supposed to be... you know, nice?” She responded with as much bravado as she could muster, rolling her eyes to add to the effect. “You are Loki, Prince of Asgard, trickster, silver-tongue, Rightful King of Jotunheim, and a royal pain in the ass. I know. But to make both of our lives easy for the next few months or so, please keep your trap shut.”

It was Loki’s turn to look shocked, and he awkwardly rubbed at his neck. That was when (Y/N) spied a messy scrawl around his neck, almost as if it acted like a necklace. Thor had a similar one, albeit slightly messier.

Thor gave his brother a knowing smirk before nodding at the two of them. “I shall take my leave now. Good like, Lady (Y/N), I know how had it can be to control my brother. Until we meed again, brother.” And he was out the door before (Y/N) could send him a message to stay.

She was so utterly screwed. And not in the good way.

“So....” Loki prompted, and (Y/N) glared at him, taking in his facial features and committing them to memory. Her memory was absolutely perfect, enhanced as well, she remembered every single thing and every single detail. And hated it. Fury didn’t know about that detail, but he had his assumptions. “You’re my soulmate.” Silver-tongue? Don’t know them. Loki cursed himself, he was meant to be smooth.

“And you’re mine.” (Y/N) said simply, and gestured to the couches. “Take a seat, Loki, and we will talk over rules and laws that you must follow.”

Loki gave a big sigh, almost melodramatic. “If we must.”

“We must.” (Y/N) rolled her eyes and took a seat on one of the couches, watching him carefully, memorising every part of him. The way he moved. Which side he favoured. The way he carried himself. His face. His eyes. His lips- NO. NO. NO. JUST NO. NOT NOW. BUSINESS MODE ACTIVATE. Loki looked amused, apparently having caught (Y/N) in the act, and she blushed, before tapping the metal box twice, and the hologram sprung to life.

She still watched him through the holograms, she controlled both sides, and there were two screens, one facing Loki, and the other facing her, as Loki had taken a seat on the opposite sofa.

She knew he was watching her openly, a cheeky smirk on his perfect lips. His scent filled her nostrils, and she tried desperately not to just inhale excessively. Mint and sweets, with a tinge of snow or rain.

She pulled up his documents. “This is what we have on you.” She said calmly, and he raised an eyebrow, pulling his eyes from her and to the documents that currently hovered in front of him. He flipped through the, not seeming to care at all as (Y/N) watched carefully.

“Most of it is correct. But I did not lead the army to Midgard, Thanos did. Under his direction, I was to take over Midgard. And then when I started to rebel against his control, he....” Loki trailed off and his face closed up, not only in the emotional sense, but also, his eyes closed, his mouth closed and he seemed to be in pain. (Y/N) analysed his movements, the small things. He wasn’t lying, she had been trained to find out if someone is lying, and she didn’t detect a single lie. But he was the God of Lies. Silver-tongue. Remember that.

There was a change and he opened his eyes again, they weren’t the cold blue they were originally, when he had first stepped into the room, but rather, they were tinged with green, around the iris and flecked with gold around the edge. But they were weary, and he seemed to age ten years in ten seconds, bags under his eyes that (Y/N) hadn’t noticed appeared, and his eyes were more bloodshot as if he had been crying earlier.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, I’m not going to press on that subject.” (Y/N) said stoically, reading him perfectly. He was prideful, of course he wouldn’t want to talk about how he was feeling and how he had been controlled and manipulated to do something.

Loki remained silent and picked at his left hand. (Y/N) noted that he 1) felt uncomfortable, and 2) was rather nervous, so picking at his left hand could indicate that he was fidgeting and wanted to be somewhere else.

(Y/N) watched him carefully, and he nodded stiffly, glancing up.

“You’re prideful and don’t care for outwardly showing emotion because it means weakness.” (Y/N) came to a conclusion, and he nodded again. “This is very popular in most of the male portion of Midgardians, but your brother is quite the opposite, he makes everyone like him by showing them that he cares and loves them, so that he isn’t weakened by showing affection, rather, he is gathering an army of supporters for when he needs them.” Loki glanced up at her, and tilted his head to the side.

“Does he, now? Could you give me an example?” Loki challenged her, eyes bright at the prospect of proving her wrong.

“Take myself as an example. There are only three people I can call my friend, or at least my confidant, because people either don’t know I exist or judge me on how many people I’ve killed. Your brother is one of them, the other two are Nick Fury and Tony Stark. Tony Stark is only my confidant at the moment.” (Y/N) told him, and Loki looked surprised.

“You, a slip of a child, have killed? In the rather protected environment of Midgard?”

“Protected only because I am part of the protection.”

“Well said.” Fury said, strutting into the room. Loki stiffened but didn’t turn to look at Fury. “Now if you could get your asses out of this room, I’d like to actually use the briefing room for briefing.”

“Fine.” (Y/N) muttered. “Asshole.”

“Bitch.”

“Cunt.”

“Smart-ass.”

“Dam right I am.” (Y/N) smirked and got up, dragging Loki by the wrist. “Let’s go, Icicle.”

(Y/N) marched him from the room, glancing down at the loud (compared to her soundless footsteps) manacles and chains.

“Are you going to take them off?”

“Nah, they look good on you.” (Y/N) responded and Loki quickly stood in front of her.

“If you are as powerful as you say you are, then you would have no trouble taking them off and not getting into trouble.”

“Trying to goad me into a releasing a wrathful god of mischief on the world?”

“Under the terms and conditions, I cannot physically harm anyone that my brother says I cannot harm.”

“No one ever reads terms and conditions in this day and age, and you only said physically, not psychologically and emotionally. As a silver-tongue, I figured you’d mare it less obvious.” (Y/N) glanced up at his face, then stepped around him, glancing over her shoulder to make sure he was following her, then realising she was moving with super speed. Oops.

“Hurry up. We have places to be.” (Y/N) called over her shoulder, and Loki caught up smoothly, as if she had never taken the lead.

“And what places are that?”

“Well, first of all, I need to show you around the Compound, and then I need to-” (Y/N) was cut off as Loki shoved her against the wall.

The wall opposite blew up and (Y/N) cursed the fact that the labs had been placed so close to the briefing rooms.

Loki looked alert and protective. (Y/N) would have preferred if he hadn’t treated her like a breakable doll, but the view from where she was, trapped underneath his body against the wall was.... DON’T GO THERE. NOT NOW. YOU NEED TO LET LOKI KNOW THERE ISN’T A THREAT, THAT’S JUST BRUCE AND TONY EXPERIMENTING. The thoughts raced through her mind in an instant.

But Loki wasn’t looking at the wreckage; his eyes were focused on her lips.

Uh.

She wasn’t trained for this. Sure, Nat had taught her how to use her body to lure people in, but she had no idea what to do with a soulmate.

“So... mind telling me what that explosion was?” Loki asked, his eyes trailed up to hers, but he made no effort to move away from her.

The words spilled out of her in a rush, she didn’t have enough time to edit them before they hit Loki’s ears. “Tony and Bruce are in those labs now, and I swear I told Fury that we shouldn’t put the labs near the briefing rooms, but the bugger didn’t listen. If you’re going to kiss me, then freakin’ kiss me, although I have to warn you, I have no idea what to do with a soulmate.” FUCK MY LIFE! (Y/N) thought to herself. WHY THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY THAT?!

Loki’s lips pulled up into a smirk, and then they dove down to do exactly that, kiss her that is. His lips were soft and smooth against hers, which she was sure were slightly chapped, but she didn’t care at that moment, because Loki didn’t seem to mind. They moved slowly, and (Y/N) felt like she caught the hang of it. Sort of.

His hand slid to her waist and pulled her into him, as (Y/N)’s hands got tangles in his soft hair.

“(Y/N)?!?!?!?” Tony’s voice could be heard, and (Y/N) untangled one hand from Loki’s hair without breaking lip-contact and flipped him the bird.

Loki smiled against her lips and drew away, apparently conscious of what (Y/N) was doing (literally) behind his back.

“Fuck off tinman, I can kiss my soulmate where and when I want.” (Y/N) told him grumpily.

“Oh someone’s feeling grouchy.”

(Y/N)’s face burned up and she responded even more grouchily. “Just shut your trap before I shut it permanently.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Tony smirked, and Loki just watched between them, mildly confused, but very amused.

(Y/N) flicked her wrist, and Tony’s mouth snapped shut. She grabbed Loki’s wrist and marched away, Tony’s panicked, muffled protests were lost against the thuds of her boots and the gentle swish of the movement of their clothes. Seconds later, there was a clang, and Loki looked down to see that (Y/N) had released him of his restraints, a card in hand, which promptly disappeared into one of the many pockets in her super-suit.

“So, where is my beautiful maiden taking me?” Loki smirked, and (Y/N) glanced back, rolling her eyes.

“Well, since we’d have to walk past the rest of the labs which most likely only have interns and students in them to get to the living quarters, I’ll show around these parts of the Compound, and show you your quarters when they all go home.”

“And what do these parts of the Compound include? Private nooks and crannies, I hope. And a library.” Loki’s eyes glinted mischievously, and (Y/N) grinned at him over her shoulder.

They rounded a corner, and (Y/N) pulled Loki into her as they disappeared into a corner, concealed by what seemed to be a hologram of the wall.

There was little space, and Loki was flushed up against (Y/N)’s body, and (Y/N) smirked as the slightest bit of blush crept onto his cheeks at the fact that he had been so easily led into a small cranny, then his eyes lit up and he leaned in. (Y/N) chuckled, and pushed backwards slightly, and the wall behind her swung around, leaving Loki stumbling forward and almost getting hit in the face by the spinning door.

Scowling, Loki grumbled about pesky mortals and tricky soulmates, but followed her through the door, only for his breath to be stolen away. It was an indoor garden, paths wound around gardens of varying biodiversity. Some looked like they came straight from the Sahara Desert, others from the Amazon Rainforest. But the winding paths all lead to the centre of the massive domed area, a beautiful fountain.

“Hurry up, Loki. We don’t have all day.” (Y/N) ran back to grab Loki’s wrist and dragged him towards the fountain.

“Asgard’s gardens are much prettier, although not as diverse.... it is as if the gardens of Midgard have been condensed to this small area.” Loki muttered, and (Y/N) smirked back at him.

“Thank you for your praise, I do make sure my gardens are well-maintained and represent every place in the world properly.”

“THIS,” he gestured wildly at everything. “IS YOURS?”

“Yeah, well the space isn’t mine, Fury gave it to me when I started growing vines in his office, but yeah, the gardens are mine. The fountain also isn’t mind, it’s Tony’s, he just needed to put it somewhere.”

“So what’s your ability?”

“Manipulation of all living matter. Which explains why I could shut Tony up immediately, and grow this.” (Y/N) sat down on the edge of the fountain. “Now sit, I want to hatch a plan to get revenge for Fury for making me sit out of missions for the next few months.”

“Of course, milady.” Loki smirked, and the rest of the day was spent plotting mischief and making out. They would say they plotted more, but we all know they made out more than anything.

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clumsyphilip · 7 years

Text

Feels Like War - Chapter 2

Though it hasn’t always been this way, Dan and Phil can’t stand each other, and the only way they can deal with it is through copious amounts of hate sex

Word Count (this chapter): 3k

Warnings (this chapter): blowjob (+ a bit of praise kink), swearing

A/N: Chapter 1 is (here) ICYMI and the Phil video referenced is (here) but Dan deleted his tinder one the day after I posted this, but hopefully it’s fairly self explanatory!

It’s been over a week, and Dan still can’t believe that he let himself have sex with Phil in their living room.

Moreover, he can’t believe that they’d done it again the day after, and maybe the day after that too.

He runs a hand over his face and sighs, staring blankly at his computer screen as he leans back in his desk chair. It’s not like he’d meant for it to happen even once, let alone multiple times, but he can’t help but think it hasn’t turned out to be an entirely bad thing. There’s less shouting, and swearing, and name calling. Then again, there’s also more fucking and he’s not sure if he should be viewing that as a good thing because it’s with Phil.

And he’ll admit that it’s really good. But it’s still Phil.

Every time they touch he can feel himself turn hot with anger and his voice alone is enough to make Dan shiver because he hates it that much, yet he can’t seem to make himself take a stand and walk away.

He shakes his head, convincing himself that maybe if he had anyone else willing to sleep with him then things would be different. Seeing as he can’t stand to even look at Phil sometimes, pretty much anyone else would be preferable.

That’d been half the reasoning behind his tinder video. Sure, he’d been paid by them to make it and the video itself is a joke but he’s kept the app and touched up his profile in the hopes of actually finding someone worth meeting. So far though, he’s only met people that are either interested in his internet fame or completely dull.

And though his mouse hovers over it, he can’t seem to force himself to press the upload button. He knows that Phil will think he did it just to irritate him after the other night and he knows that there might be some truth to that so he won’t be able to bring himself to tell Phil any differently.

“Fuck him.” Dan mutters to himself as he finally uploads the video, smiling slightly as he imagines Phil’s reaction.

He watches the first few comments come in, relaxing as he realises that they’re mostly positive and letting some of the pressure he’d been feeling roll off of him as he leans back in his chair.

Until he hears his own voice play from the room down the corridor.

“Hello internet. Some people say that social media...”

Dan laughs to himself at the fact that Phil was apparently just waiting for his video to go up, he can’t even remember the last time he bothered to watch one of Phil’s that he wasn’t in.

He scrolls through his phone mindlessly, keeping track of his own video playing in the background, then it stops mid way through in sync with movement from Phil. He hears a crack as Phil’s door swings open and hits the wall and smirks to himself as Phil gets closer, this is going to be so much fun.

He listens as Phil stops at his doorway, not bothering to turn to look at him when he speaks.

“You don’t have to wait for my permission to come in.” Dan drawls. He can hear Phil seething behind him and finds it impossible to wipe the cocky smile off his face as Phil takes a few steps closer.

“I could swear you’re trying to wind me up.” Phil says quietly. Dan sighs and swivels his chair round so that he can look at Phil.

“And why would I do that?” He asks innocently.

“Why don’t you tell me?” Phil snaps. Dan notices his laboured breathing and the way that he won’t quite let their eyes meet, he can feel the irritation coming off of him but he’s just not quite annoyed enough. Yet.

“I think you should get over yourself, not everything I do is about you.” Dan says nonchalantly. “In fact, none of it is.”

Phil closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths before opening them again to look straight into Dan’s. “You honestly expect me to believe that you didn’t think of me at all when you made that?”

“Didn’t even cross my mind.” Dan smiles sweetly as he speaks, moving to spin his chair back round to face away but Phil grabs the back of it, stopping him.

“Bullshit.” He whispers.

“Excuse me?”

“I said it’s bullshit, Dan!”

Dan winces as Phil raises his voice before he gets a handle on himself and stands so that he can look at Phil directly, smirking when he remembers that he’s just an inch taller, so he looks down on him slightly.

“Calling me a liar?” Dan hisses in Phil’s face.

“That’s exactly what I’m doing.”

“And in your self-absorbed world, what exactly is it that you think I’m trying to do?”

“Let me know that you’ve got tinder.” Phil mutters.

“And so what if I do? It’s none of your fucking business if I want to meet someone.” Dan spits, trying to keep his smile under control when he see’s Phil beginning to get more and more wound up by him. Just a little more.

Phil moves a little closer to Dan so that they’re sharing space and when he speaks Dan can feel every word he says.

“Last time I checked.” He murmurs. “No one’s wanted you since I dumped you anyway.”

Dan feels something inside of him snap. He doesn’t care about winding Phil up anymore or trying to drive him mad and all he can think about is how the proximity is making his skin crawl and before he realises it he’s shoving Phil away.

He can barely even look at him for a moment, let alone speak as heat sears through his stomach. The tense silence feels red hot and Dan has to use all of his willpower to keep himself rooted because every time they get at all physical with each other is when their sexual tension starts and it’s the last thing he wants.

‘‘Get out.” Dan manages to say through gritted teeth, though still not looking at Phil.

But Phil doesn’t move and Dan finds himself having to look at him so that he can stare straight into his eyes when he speaks again.

“Get the fuck out!” He shouts, groaning in frustration when Phil still doesn’t move or even speak to him, just stands there smirking.

“Then I will.” Dan says, shaking his head as he tries to brush past Phil and get out of the flat, but Phil’s hand grabs his waist as he goes past and he knows exactly what Phil’s trying to do.

“You must be fucking deluded if you think I’d ever let you touch me again after that.” Dan growls, slapping Phil’s hand away but still too angry to enjoy the look of frustration on Phil’s face as he does so.

He all but runs out of the flat, slamming the door behind him.

------

It’d taken Dan two days before he could speak to Phil again, too hurt to even think about it, and when he eventually did it was because he’d been forced to due to Anthony visiting them and he didn’t want to make it anymore awkward than it needed to be.

Though he’d still kept his distance, right up until Anthony decided it would be a good idea if the three of them made a video together and he’d felt too bad to say no and suddenly Phil was coming up with some stupid game and they were filming.

Once he’d found out the concept for the video he’d really had to bite his tongue because “Anthony, Dan, or a RAT?” had to be the dumbest idea he’d ever heard, but he managed to keep it under control,

He even managed to force a smile and a fake laugh throughout the entire video, seemingly even convincing Anthony that he wasn’t bubbling with anger underneath it and though he had no idea where he found the willpower, he didn’t even snap at Phil when the camera turned off.

Reminding himself that once Anthony leaves he can turn away from Phil and pretend that he isn’t even there, he stays civil for the day.

The problems start the minute that Anthony walks out of their flat and the door clicks shut.

Dan grabs Phil’s wrist roughly and spins him around so that they’re facing each other, not letting him go. He’s too angry to carry on with his freeze out now, consumed by his need to say something.

“What do you think you were doing with that video?” Dan questions, looking straight into Phil’s eyes as he does, letting his gaze burn into Phil’s.

“You’ll have to be more specific.” He sighs tiredly, dropping his eyes down to look absentmindedly at one of his hands, flicking his nails. Dan grips his other wrist tighter and pulls it towards him slightly.

“Why were my photos so embarrassing and awful?”

Phil rolls his eyes and sighs again, looking at Dan patronisingly in a way that might just drive him insane.

“Because it made the video funnier? Get over yourself.” Phil says as he rips his wrist out of Dan’s grasp and takes a step back

“You’re so transparent.” Dan mutters lowly. “You’re clearly just jealous.”

“Jealous?” Phil asks incredulously.

“Yes, jealous. Jealous because I’m trying to find someone else and I won’t let you touch me, much less fuck me, anymore.”

“I’m not jealous you self-centred prick.” Phil spits. “But if I was you’d probably enjoy it anyway, being the way that you are.”

“Fuck off! You don’t know the first thing about me or what I like anymore. You think you’re so smart and you think that you’ve got me all figured out but the truth is that even a stranger could probably read me better than you can so just fuck off and leave me out of whatever sick game it is that you’ve decided to play.” Dan shouts. He feels his face turn red and his fists bunch as he vents at Phil and if he’s not careful he’s going to punch him because he still has the nerve to smile.

“My game?” He asks.

“Your vindictive, weird, sexual game that I want no part of.” Dan clarifies.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Phil laughs darkly. “First of all, don’t play innocent with me, we both started this and as much as you like to think I’m the worst person in the world, you know all you had to do was say if you wanted out. And secondly, like it or not, I know you far better than you think I do so don’t think for a second you can pretend that I don’t”

“You really think that I’m the same person as I was back then? It’s been five years since you...” Dan clears his throat. “I’ve changed a lot since then.”

“Well so have I.” Phil fumes.

“None of it for the better.”

There’s just a beat of silent tension before Phil speaks again, almost whispering in how quiet he is.

“So, do you want out?” He asks, without the usual edge to his tone that Dan had come to expect by now.

“Huh?”

“Even though I can’t stand you, I could still never force myself... I don’t want you to think that I’m-”

“No I know.” Dan mutters. He honestly doesn’t know how to answer Phil’s question because truthfully everything should have ended five years ago but it just didn’t, not really, and the idea of things truly fading out scare him.

He spends most of his time wishing he didn’t have to be anywhere near Phil but when Phil’s asking him so bluntly he can’t find the words. So he decides not to.

Before he can convince himself it’s a terrible idea he’s surging forward to mash his lips with Phil’s messily, desperately, really hoping that this is going to be easier than actually talking to him.

Phil pulls himself away from Dan. “Sure?” He whispers.

“Shut the fuck up.” Dan groans, rolling his eyes as he connects their lips again, opening their mouths so that their tongues can meet haphazardly as they heatedly kiss against the wall, no finesse, no feeling.

The only thing Dan does feel is heat, but then he always feels that way around Phil. A heat that would once have spread through him fuzzily now burns through his entire body, setting him on fire and making him more sensitive than he’d ever been before. The pent up frustration and anger and hatred finally channelling itself as he focusses his energy onto Phil properly.

“I knew you’d give in.” Phil remarks as Dan moves down to his neck, sucking harshly when he speaks and smiling when he hisses in pain.

“I said, shut up.” Dan hisses. He doesn’t need to be anymore riled up than he already is and if Phil pushes him then he might walk away and he’s not really sure if he wants to.

He’s just so frustrated. He needs an outlet.

Dan grabs the hem of Phil’s shirt and pulls it off him swiftly, throwing it down the corridor as he backs Phil up against the wall, pressing his hands into it on either side of Phil’s head so that he can carry on sucking marks onto his collarbones, and a few down his chest.

Pulling away to admire his work, Dan can’t help but appreciate the way the newly formed purple and red bruises contrast against Phil’s pale skin, there’s no mistaking where Dan’s been and he quickly drops to his knees, leaving another hickey just above his hip for good measure.

Phil moves his hands into Dan’s hair immediately, massaging gently at his scalp before pulling roughly. Moaning in a mix of pleasure and pain, Dan hurriedly works the buttons on Phil’s jeans and yanks them down as quickly as he can, taking his boxers down with them too.

“Someone’s eager.” Phil chuckles from above him.

“If you don’t want me to just walk away from you right now, then stop talking.” Dan snaps. He can’t help but stare a little at the sheer impressiveness of Phil’s dick. Sure, he’s had it up his arse several times in the past week but he’d never stopped to look and maybe he’d forgotten quite how big it is.

Phil catches him staring and gives him a overly confident grin.

“You’re sure you want me to stop talking?” He taunts. Dan rolls his eyes, thinking that there’s only one surefire way to stop Phil from speaking anymore and so he acts, taking Phil’s length into his mouth all at once, causing Phil to gasp and attempt to grip the wall behind him.

Dan pulls away just as quickly. “Yes.” He says simply, before leaning back down to take the tip into his mouth and suck lightly, teasing the end with his tongue as one of his hands grips the base and begins to move slowly.

“Even if I- ah fuck.” Phil moans. “Even if I tell you how good you are?”

Though he feels his cheeks turn red, Dan tries to pretend that he hasn’t heard Phil because fuck, he didn’t know that he remembered that.

“If I tell you how amazing you are at this?” Phil says slowly. Dan still doesn’t respond and instead begins to move his mouth over Phil languidly, deep throating him a few times in a row and move his now free hand to stroke over his inner thigh, feeling it tremble beneath his touch.

He thinks that he might have managed to get Phil to stop talking, although now he silently wishes he hadn’t, before he pulls away for a moment and Phil manages to speak again.

“So good at sucking cock, aren’t you?”

Dan groans at the words, unable to help himself from enjoying the praise that he gets from Phil, even if it is crass.

He’s never been able to resist it.

Hoping to draw something more out of Phil, Dan begins to move in earnest, sucking harder and gripping what he can’t quite reach with his hand again, moving it quickly in synchrony with his tongue,

“Fuck, fuck- Dan.” Phil groans as he roots his fingers into Dan’s hair harder, pulling so that his head changes angle slightly and he moans again. “God, you’re so incredible.”

Dan mewls around Phil as he continues to suck, noticing that Phil’s legs are beginning to freeze and knowing exactly what’s coming next.

He uses his free hand to massage Phil’s hip, enjoying the way that Phil’s hands move in the same way in his hair. His tongue swirls around Phil’s tip as he pulls of slowly, licking down to the base before he takes the whole thing back into his mouth, hollowing out his cheekbones as he stares up at Phil through his thick eyelashes, making direct eye contact.

Phil loses it when their eyes meet and he cums suddenly down Dan’s throat and Dan swallows it eagerly, stroking Phil through his comedown gently and running his tongue down the length one more time for good measure.

Recollecting himself slightly, Dan stands up and blushes again when he notices his own erection in his jeans. Phil just chuckles as he leans his head back against the wall, smiling in bliss.

“I could always-”

“No, I’ll deal with it.” Dan says quickly as he turns away from Phil and begins to walk down the corridor into his room so that he can sort himself out. Somehow letting Phil focus all his attention just onto him just seems too much.

“Same time next week?” Phil calls after him and Dan rolls his eyes though he knows that Phil can’t see it.

“You wish, Lester.”

--------

A/N: hi hi i know this took forever so i’m sorry for that but here it is! i’m still super excited about this fic so thank you if you’re reading it, feel free to let me know what you thought and i hope you enjoyed it!

also i know the stuff in the middle about phil explicitly asking dan for his consent wasn’t very objectively ~hot~ but like consent is sexy and i thought it would be easy to misconstrue the relationship as not entirely consensual and that’s not what i’m going for

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #phandom #phan smut

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fuck-customers · 7 years

Text

idfc anymore

I was tempted to go anonymous but I am far too tired.

I haven't really made a post yet, I've just been following this blog for quite a while as a release as I'm sure is the same for most. But things have changed and I thought for the better, not so sure now.

this does not include the 2nd job I'd gotten WHILE working this one, which put me at 7 days a week, a little around 60 hours a week, for 9 months. That in itself was hell and requires an entirely different submission.

It'll probably get long so just scroll to the tl;dr at the bottom if you want idc.

When I had just graduated HS, I waited the summer out before applying for a job. I already knew I wasn't going to college - a 2.3GPA isn't going to get you anywhere, especially when you're in the working class just brushing the poverty line. Getting loans is not something I wanted to do either, since everyone I'd ever met, seen, or heard who'd gotten them were miserable fcks.

At the suggestion of a relative I dropped off my resume everywhere it interested me. I got hired. Things looked good. I bonded with one of the coworkers, wasn't so bad. But I was inexperienced. And their idea of 'training' was to send 3 different people from 3 different parts of the business to train me on their own time, separately, and then argue about it because either something was miscommunicated i.e I was taught to do something one way but another person said that was wrong so they'd scold me and then "re-teach" me. This went on for a few weeks.

Okay, cool, fine. Whatever. That's stupid, you do you. Shit kind of improves. But because of this miscommunication, I get a write up for talking to one of the co-workers about something I wasn't supposed to because technically they're NOT a coworker and I don't find out exactly what that means until later (paid under the table) nor was I told I couldn't speak to them about the fact that this random ass volunteer was not only getting in the way of my work, but was being a safety hazard for my clients, despite my many warnings and corrections. Because obviously we are a hive mind and I must know that 1. Do not speak to paid-under-the-table "employees" 2. Do not tell mentally unstable child to not crawl into bin and taunt clients 3. Especially do not ban him when he was spraying the hose nozzle directly at clients.

So I get a "strike". Boss lady holds out her fingers and ticks them off once by one, as If I had made a horrible grievance upon the business. I'd only been working there for a few months, I believe. Still early, still new. Still young, fresh out of HS.

A little back story cause I really feel this is integral to the story and hopefully for those with the same issues will look at this like "ye same" and those who haven't might be able to understand the following actions on the part of myself and others. Either way, here you go:

I've got diagnosed C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression Bipolar, and ADHD. It has been heavily suggested I also fall along the Autism spectrum (by various doctors and nurses). I am also a victim of emotional, psychological, mental, and physical abuse (with a little stockholm I recently discovered, it's not something you yourself are generally aware of and now that I am it's ... It's worse than if I didn't know.), and I have been suffering with it for as long as I've been consciously aware to the present day. I don't always like to be so forthright with this kind of knowledge because there are quite a few people that either don't believe me, or then don't think I'm reliable enough to function and/or work. So it's usually best I don't.

And during the entire time of my employment there, I underwent a lot of manipulation and emotional abuse. A lot. By a person who believed they were doing a service for others.

The months go on. I continue to be mistreated but it doesn't get bad until my family decide they want to adopt from the shelter boss lady also happens to run. I'm at work and I am notified of the cutest little puppy who had just gotten surrendered. I immediately asked my parents if they'd like the foster (we'd been looking for a 'family dog'). Said yes but couldn't get down there. I said that's fine, I'll fill the paperwork out. So I go to the other side and I fill everything out, we're set. We go home later on and she fits in perfectly. We decide then we'll adopt her come morning when the shelter opens up again.

Morning comes, I'm about ready to walk out the door to go to work, but I'm sent a message from one of the coworkers. "Bring the puppy in" was essentially the message being sent. Puppy's mom had originally surrendered puppy because she couldn't find a place to live that would accept dogs. So she surrendered her. But then in the morning she found a place. What a moron. Anyway.

Boss lady accepted her to having her dog back. No communication to me other than "Bring the dog in". Well we were about to adopt. Essentially what this scenario was turning into was: You work for me, therefore I 1. Don't have to explain myself 2. You work for me 3. The dog is my property.

So I'm texting the coworker back and forth like "Uh I need a little more info, also my parents want to talk with the ACO". This takes way too long, I eventually get the number, mom and ACO have a chat. I thought it went well. Apparently it didn't. He was giving her the script, paraphrased and a little blase. Moms pissed, understandably. She blows it out of proportion, note she's a psychotic bitxch and does this often with everything involving life but I can see where she's coming from with this. I'm like alright well I have to go to work, good luck barring the doors from the "Police". We go to work and it's kind of fcked.

We open the doors and everyone goes silent and turns towards us, in the kind of way you know they were just talking about you. Cause we got everyone in one room. The Boss Lady, the girl txting me over the phone, the ACO, some unnamed volunteer[s]. It's fcking uncomfortable and idk whats going on. The coworker I'd been txting was known and a little too happy to gossip, run her mouth, and cause problems. I was not surprised this was what was going on, but it didn't make me any less pissed.

Boss Lady confronts relative who'd dropped me off at work. He barely says a word, just stares at her, while she's maybe a couple inches from him. She says things like "Don't stare at me like that, this is how it works" "They are MY property, and as MY property I CAN call the police and they WILL show up on your front door do you want that?" "Peeriet, go with him to get the dog so I know she's coming back." And other really really volatile bullshit. The fact that she called the puppy her PROPERTY, threatened to call the POLICE, like...I was there during all of these interactions. My texts were neutral and just asking questions, my moms convo with the ACO was really calm and easy, and the relative was doing nothing but standing there and staring as she went off her rocker. So.

I said no, I have to go to work, I'm not going with him to get the dog but he's going to get her. So he goes, I clock in, I leave.

I go to my job and vent to my coworker about the situation because I was still trying to wrap my head around it, when the ACO shows up wanting to have a private "chat."

The fcking conversation went something like this.

"So uh, you really care about your job, right?"

this fcking asshole was alluding, in so many words, probably to get the point across while also saving his ass so if I had gone to anyone saying he THREATENED MY POSITION OVER MY HEAD TO MAKE ME COOPERATE it may have been a problem. Wonder why.

So I said yeah, it's not even an issue also, they're bringing the dog back, etc. They'd even said because I filled out the application under my name that I was liable for anything to happen if it were to happen and that, because it's under my name, well, shucks, this is all your responsibility at the end of the day, we can wipe our hands clean and call it good.

Even though we were following the 'rules' and never once 1. Yelled 2. Caused a scene 3. Refused 4. Or threatened.

So that's settled. I thought. I go home and moms pissed. Que the next few weeks of absolute stupid shit storm via the internet by way of her leaving a trail of bad reviews. Of course this falls on me.

Everything my mom ever did or said, was my fault, as they "alluded" because we can't tell the truth in this business lest we be taken to court for whatever illegal activity we're probably doing behind closed doors.

So that started a whole new thing. They're hatred becomes amplified. Coworkers I'd bonded or befriended just outright stopped talking to me, barely acknowledging my precense and going to my manager for anything, including relaying messages to me. This did not stop for another 2 years.

So eventually things calm down, as calm as it could get. I continue to get harassed a lot, manipulated. I get injured at work fairly frequently, more than most - injuries that required medical treatment. I lied my first visit because it was after work. I was truthful the other time. I'd already been told by a few coworkers but Boss Lady specifically had a few special conversations with me about not telling any of my family I got injured at work, "Because you know how your mom is". They always spoke too sweetly, too nicely and feeding me excuses to cover up the real reasons. And I'd been so used to abuse my whole life that stockholm was bleeding into my work life and if anyone has ever fcking experienced that, it is fcking hell.

So I didn't tell anyone.

Until I'd gotten injured real bad. A dog had clamped full jaws onto my leg and shook. I had an indent for every tooth, including at least 3 deep punctures. I had it disinfected, shot a water missile into the punctures to make sure debris was out, wrapped, and given meds, orally and topically. I limped when I went home. And at the weekend went bye, I continued to get worse emotionally. I couldn't keep this a secret, I was experiencing actual physical pain because of the situation I'd been put under and I, mentally, could not cope. So I blew up in the kitchen. I had a meltdown, I showed my leg, I explained what happened, I said sorry but that I couldn't hide it anymore.

The next day or days at work I told boss lady I couldn't hide it. I just couldn't. She backpeddled, explained "Oh no no, you shouldn't feel like you have to hide it, I never said that." This was her keyphrase after being called out for every single threat, warning, and manipulation. "I never said that.". Because it was true. She didn't. She said it in a way that couldn't hold her accountable in any true legal situation.

Months go by. I continue with the abuse not just at home but at work now. Abuse most people wouldn't even consider was abuse, but unfortunately I'd been groomed for this sort of thing my entire life, so when it happened at work? I fit in so naturally I didn't even know it was abuse/wrong until I'd left.

And the real kicker is that she knew of my mental disorders. Because when stockholm had got me good, and I was especially tired, and I'd suffered some real hard shit at home, I'd break and I'd confess to boss lady in hopes of some kind of understanding: See, this is what I deal with, please don't mistreat me.

I wrote letters. I tried talking to her one on one. I tried working so hard at work to show how good I'd gotten.

Each letter was misunderstood. She'd bring me into her office after our oral talk and tell me that, because of what I'd written, I could be misunderstood, taken 'at my word.' "Well it says here that you don't ... want to work with your clients? Well if this is true then I legally can't have you with them. Because you wrote it. And legally I have to put this in your file." So I had to rewrite it, delete everything incriminating so I was left with my personal feelings.

Talking with her wasn't possible. She used tactics my mother does, so I physically couldn't talk, and I did, it was only "Sorrys" and "Thank yous" and accepting I was wrong and she was right and yes, I understand.

Working hard didn't work. I paid for my training personally and attended a school solely to improve. I kept making mistakes though. I wasn't good enough. I was doing some of the work my manager was with none of the pay, none of the acknowledgment or acceptance. I brought her in money, and clients, and good reviews, for nothing more than what I'd already had. Because she knew I wouldn't fight for it. Because she knew I'd continue giving her money and she didn't have to shell out anything more. And legally she didn't have to, because I had no experience, I was out of HS, and no official schooling.

But she'd always give me 'tidbits' of 'rewards'. The kicker for anyone with stockholm and/or abuse is you can basically continue to abuse them without too much issue if they 'reward' you and make it seem like they're doing you a favour. You know what I mean?

So she'd have occasionally 'positive' conversations, or she'd 'comment' something good about me, but I really loved when she'd give me a .50cent raise about twice in 2 years disguising it under her "charity" when it was probably because it was actually required. Cause in her office I was like "Why do I have a .50cent raise?" "Why are you asking, that's not something you normally ask when getting a raise." "???" "It's cause -....Just be thankful" Yeeee you see that? See that? How she almost said something but didn't? Yeah.

When she hired a new person they actually made about the same as me but more than another coworker, who'd been there longer, and when asked, boss lady said she basically didn't want to pay him if he wasn't sticking around (What kind of bullshit is that). He was. He corrected her, and his pay got fixed.

Again, months passed. Sometimes It'd be so good and I truly loved my job. I formed relationships with the clients to this day I can't think about because I get emotional. And every time she would critique me. Make things harder for us, she'd always be watching us on the cameras, and if she didn't see us, she'd assume we weren't working. She'd even come out of office to walk by just to watch us as she passed.

2 months ago she made some changes. She'd hired someone that was her irl friend. The entire business save 1 or 2 people, were connected either by blood, marriage, or irl friendship. Which wasn't a good thing.

So she hires this new manager. Does ok for maybe a week or two. But then they started making some changes. She redid how we did our payments and filed clients in a really convoluted way. We went back to the old system in a week.

Then she switched everyones schedules. Really inconveniently and without asking anyone for confirmation like she said. She never even spoke to me like she did the others.

Then she wanted opening crew to take our lunches back to back. Which made the early morning person take their lunch 6-7 hours after they'd already been clocked on, and me take mine only a couple hours after I'd been clocked on. Well, what about the afternoon crew?

Afternoon crew, as Boss lady told our manager and new morning crew person, didn't have to take a lunch now because of the new schedule. Which put him at over 5/5.5 hours anyway, despite the hour cut.

My hours were being cut. She'd just hired new manager and new morning crew, who'd taken over everything of mine previously. She'd also already fired a few people, and the new minimum wage mandatory increase was right around the corner.

I watched my hours. I waited. Few days pass. The next week comes, everyones on edge, I'm a fireball.

She tells us we're not allowed to keep our "belongings" with the rest of the other clients when we're on lunch. We must remove them into an entire separate room, because they would otherwise make our numbers higher (of total clients allowed in a space per person ratio) and thus become "illegal". We'd been seen by a health inspector twice in a year or so by request of a client who wasn't too keen on our 'policies'. Boss Lady was adamantly covering bases, which meant fcking everyone over.

It was kind of the last straw. I applied elsewhere, got accepted, and left. I spent 2 weeks after my last day literally going through a detox/withdrawal. I became physically ill. I had mental breakdowns about once every couple days. It was hell, it was horrible. I hated every minute of it.

Someone else left. A month later another person left. Several people that'd gotten hired have already been fired. And apparently a business too similar to the glory days of the place I'd left, has moved a couple blocks down the road to a second location.

I've gotten a new job, but It's only partially an improvement, and I am still affected everyday by the abuse I'd suffered at that place, coupled with everything I already go through at home. And I am tired, and I do this alone, and I've been looking for a place to move into for years but minimum wage isn't a livable wage.

I am tired.

tl;dr how tf do you even summarize that?

#submissions #fuck managers #submission

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pisati · 5 years

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my friend in jail wrote back to my last letter a few days ago, and I just got it today. we’ve been reminiscing a little bit over the passage of time, him more solemnly. he’s mentioned it a few times but I still can’t wrap my head around it: we really have been writing back and forth for about two years now. I do remember reaching out, and I guess it really was summer two years ago that I saw his mom’s post on his facebook page, pleading for his friends to write to him while he was in court-ordered rehab.

the summer I transferred schools, I ended up getting really sick. I was alone, didn’t have any friends around, my anxiety was off-the-charts, and on top of that I didn’t know what was wrong with me. around the time I was supposed to get my CT scan done, when I was in so much pain I kept calling off at my part-time job til I quit, I was afraid I’d die in my sleep. I couldn’t eat or even drink, really, and I was dropping weight like nothing. at my lowest I weighed about what I did when I was 14. I could only sleep 3 hours at a time. I’d stay up til morning and wake up after a few hours to my heart pounding. one morning, must’ve been around 4 or 5am, I got a random facebook message from this guy I knew of in high school but had never talked to. he was part of the “cool” crowd, sort of. I knew of him as one of the class clowns who partied on weekends with the other kids fitting that descriptor; everyone knew who he was, but he wasn’t one of the populars, if that makes sense. he’d been in detention or in-school suspension for something or other since middle school; not really a troublemaker, but definitely not a model student either. I don’t think we had any classes together, since he mostly took the academic-levels and I took the advanced/AP courses. or maybe we had stats & discrete together in 12th grade? I don’t remember. I think he friended me my first year of college, back when everyone from high school added everyone else from high school just because we had mutual friends. I was maybe a little surprised, hence why I remember when he added me, but we never talked. but that one summer he’d seen one of my statuses about being sick, and messaged me to say he hoped I was feeling okay and that I’d get better soon, also he thought I was pretty (lol), and he confessed he had to get pretty drunk to work up the nerve to message me. that got a laugh.

I don’t remember how often we talked back then, but it was often enough. he’d check in on me, only ever polite. he told me about the girl he was dating (or had just broken up with?), I’m sure I told him about my whole ex-boy situation. I tried to gently advise him away from making the poor decisions he was making as far as this girl, he comforted me telling me that I was a catch and any guy that couldn’t see that wasn’t worth my effort anyway. we kept talking sporadically through 2015; I remember messaging him (I’m pretty sure it was him?) while sitting on the couch one winter in T’s then-girlfriend’s apartment; they’d invited me and A over for some reason or another, and I don’t even remember what movie we were watching because I didn’t watch a second of it. I’d been staring ahead at the bookshelf until I got a message, then I was engrossed in complaining about the whole situation, ha. he was ever the patient listener, and very courteous about offering advice, lowkey bashing these guys in my life too, ha, but being aware that he didn’t know the situation all that well. a lot of his advice was well-founded, though, and I definitely put a lot of value in what he said, though I can’t remember much of it now.

I don’t remember us losing contact, really, all I remember was that I heard about his best friend’s heroin OD, and then later saw his mom’s posts that she’d tagged him in. once we started writing back and forth I learned how hard he took his friend’s death. I don’t remember how he ended up with his grandparents in kentucky, but he was there and ended up stuck there because of his felony charge. he learned a lot about his own issues in rehab, became much more self-aware and reflective and he knows he’s grown into a better person despite everything. it makes me glad that time is at least passing quickly enough that he may be able to be with family soon. I think he may be released into a substance abuse program next month, and he’s really looking forward to that. I feel like I’ve had to remind him to keep his head down until he gets out, but jail politics are unfamiliar territory for me. he’s told me some pretty wild stories, most recently about someone who ratted about a tin of dip that was in a common area and tried to pin it on my friend (and of course it wasn’t his; he’s not stupid), some guy in his pod who keeps starting shit... he doesn’t want to have to fight this guy, he tells me, but if he starts anything with him he’s not going to sit there and take it. but I know he’s got his goals at the forefront of his mind and he’s hopefully not going to jeopardize them for some petty bullshit.

it’s just amazing to me, though, how long it’s been. but he’s right; all of it did happen. it really has been that long. at least he remembers it.

It’s crazy that my time down in Paducah was 2 years ago already... I want to ask where 2018 went and then I remember that I spent half of it locked up. 2 years of you keeping me company through thoughtful writing and thinking about that feels, I don’t know, deep? I mean you took time to write me in sickness, school, personal ups and downs, etc. Even when people I’ve known for 18 years can’t write me or ask how I am, or when family forgets about me and can’t take a minute to ask about me or write me. Yet you take time out of your free time to check on me by writing, when family can’t send me a birthday card but you’re able to hand-make me one. I appreciate you being such an amazing human being and friend to me.

that’s all I could hope for, really. just keeping some kind of hope alive in him, even if it’s just me. sometimes that’s all you need to get through hard times; just one person to care enough. I could feel the desperation in his mom’s posts, saying how nobody was writing to him and he was lonely and going through losing a best friend and now rehab for alcoholism instead of jail (but then eventually jail because he missed one meeting and had someone sign his name for him, and someone ratted on him). and like... he was there for me when I needed it, what kind of person would I be to ignore him when he needed it most? I couldn’t imagine being in his situation and feeling like nobody cared. being hundreds of miles from home, knowing your best friend is gone, only having limited contact with even family, and then on top of that being stuck in jail with a bunch of other smelly guys (he often complains about the smell of a bunch of guys living together in small quarters), most of which are drug addicts, alcoholics, repeat-offenders, many of them he’s described to me as ‘not terribly bright’ (in kind terms, of course)... it was hard enough for me having to move home from PA once I finally found a group of friends I was actually comfortable with, who seemed to genuinely like me and appreciate my company, and feeling like I’ve been slowly losing all my friends since I left, feeling like nobody even wants to spend time with me because when I ask I’m just met with silence... I know how bad that feels, but to be at your absolute lowest, in his situation, and feeling like nobody even cares to write to you? check in on you? see how you are? nothing at all? I knew he had enough of being made to feel worthless by too many people in his life. if I could make even a little difference by being there for him, I couldn’t not do it. sometimes it has felt like a chore to write back, but only because I feel like I need to write enough for it to be worth reading. I want to come up with thoughtful replies, and for that I have to be in the right mental space. sometimes it’s taken me a week or so to write back, but he doesn’t mind. he appreciates the effort I put in anyway, and understands I only have so much energy; in this last letter he reminded me to pace myself and not to push too hard if my walks and yoga are too much for me. I appreciate his being so understanding too; too many people hear I can't get through 2-3 mile walks without crashing and insist I must be faking it, or I’m just really out of shape. there’s always some reason that’s my fault.

he’s started calling my letters Hannah Weekly, haha. I tend to write little updates about my life to give him a glimpse into something else beyond jail. he doesn’t seem to mind, though; he doesn’t have much to update me on anyway, besides the little things they find on road crew sometimes, or when the officer supervising them on road crew treats them to fast food every so often. or this new lunatic in his pod. he earns 63 cents a day, he says. and a jar of peanut butter is $9. either 7 or 9; something outrageous. his poor family has to pour money into this jail just to keep him semi-comfortable. 15-minute phone calls cost money too; I forget how much. but he still tries to call me about once a week or so now.

he didn’t have much to say about my health, but I understand he’s not well-versed in any of it. I mostly just write about those things to vent, get my thoughts organized in my own head. but he reminded me that, on top of my health not being good, I really have been worn out.

You’ve had a stressful year and even before your father passing you were stressed out from work, and before that it was from school. You’ve mentally and emotionally been through a lot in the last few years. Changing schools, having to leave friends behind, shit with your ex/friend from PA, etc. It all adds up and takes a toll, you know?

I feel like that should be more obvious to me. it sounds like something I’d say to someone else. but I’ve probably been brushing it off. taking it as it comes, one thing after another. what’s another mental, emotional hit? isn’t this just life? but maybe I really did need to see it worded like that. I’m sure it’s occurred to me that it all adds up. but maybe I thought I’d just moved past it. that I’d healed between hits, even though I knew I hadn’t. the damage was still done. the toll had been taken. a rock is still a rock even when it’s been chipped at, but those chips do add up over time, and before you know it, the rock is shaped entirely differently. I definitely feel different. but is that not still life? we’re all shaped by time and everything that fills it, good and bad.

I’ve always been a supporter of the idea that everyone handles different amounts of trauma differently, and people change in how they handle trauma too. a nightmare that I could brush off like nothing today sent me into an hours-long panic attack just 5 years ago. but all this time, over everything I’ve been through, I’ve still never truly felt like my pain was justified. I’ve tried to convince myself I’m just being stupid, overemotional; that it’s really not as big of a deal as it feels like to me. boys hurting me (we never even dated; he told me repeatedly it meant nothing), losing my pets (’they’re just rats...’), feeling completely alone (people all have their own lives; so what if nobody ever responds to your posts about wanting a concert buddy), feeling like I’m worthless and useless and generally inadequate (just get over it; you’re overreacting; other people have it worse so you shouldn’t be feeling so bad because you have no real reason). no matter how unfounded... things still hurt. they can still pile up. stress and emotional pain and self-loathing and fear... it really does add up. it really does.

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twistoffatee-blog2 · 6 years

Text

heres my short story.

Regret

Regret is what I’m feeling right about now. I don’t even know why I bothered texting him. I guess it’s because I was hoping for a miracle. Ha… miracles never happen for me. Especially when it comes to boys. I will never admit it out loud, but I really hope I found Mr. Right one day. Although, I also think I feel this way because I am bored in life right now. But, lets get one thing straight. I do NOT need a man to make me happy in life nor do I depended on them for my happiness. That’s weak shit right there. Women out there, please be strong, independent, and never count on a man to put a smile on your face. There is SO much more to be thankful for. I know my family is what I am most thankful for. Shit, without them I would be no where. I love them more than life itself. But, anyways, enough of the sappy family talk. I came here to talk about boys right? Ugh, yes. I don’t know why girls constantly think they can change boys. It will NEVER happen!. I thought that if I texted this guy that I had feelings for back in high school (oh yeah did I mention he has a girlfriend and I was aware of it… oops) that he would be happy to hear from me and want to hangout and catch up. Ugh, girl what were you thinking? I should’ve known he was going to reply but ONLY once and that’s it. His girlfriend is obviously number 1 in his life right now and I’m nothing. I don’t even know if this guy is the same guy I had feelings for back in high school, but hey, you never know if you don’t try right?. Well, anyways, I am still waiting for another text back and its been 2 hours. Pathetic that I am even keeping track of how long its been and desperately waiting and looking at my phone for a reply. I know its not coming, but a girl can only dream. It hurts you know?. I just didn’t think it would hurt me this much. Fuck, I told myself to be strong and to not let it bother me, but of course it does!!!. Whatever, I’m only human. Or should I say a girl!. I wonder if he is thinking about me right now and wants to reply or he is just simply ignoring my texts because he only cares about his girlfriend. Definitely the second one. Not to mention, I wonder if his girlfriend is aware that I texted him and it was actually her that replied???. I know if that was my boyfriend and some girl was texting my man I would for sure reply to that bitch lol. I mean the text did seem a little off. He mentioned that it has been 6 or 7 years, but to me its only been 5. But to him he could be been counting since the time we started hanging out. Aw that’s cute. No, no, no…. ugh stop it!. Stop thinking that this boy is going to text you again and that his text actually meant something because it didn’t!. He has a girlfriend and you mean NOTHING to him dumbass!. Like I said, a girl can only dream. I guess now all I can do is listen to every sad song I know while thinking about how stupid I was for sending that text. Yep, that’s what I’m going to do. Goodnight loser.

Love, Me.

Ok, so he replied.

He said “It’s cool, were fine.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?????. i mean I said hopefully maybe we can be friends again one day and he didn’t answer so I replied with “guess not lol” and he replies with that?. Um, ok??????. Now instead of sadness all I feel is anger!!!!!. What do I even say to that?. Should I reply with an smiley face emoji or try to keep the convo going or ask him to catch up? (again knowing that he has girlfriend) (Why am I such a bitch?). I don’t even know. But what I do know is that I hate boys and everything they stand for. Except for my baby brother, he is the only boy who owns my heart. But, yeah, what the fuck man. What should I say!!!!!!!. My brain is telling me to say nothing but at the same time I want to ask him to catch up (again for the third time knowing he has a girlfriend… yes I know im a bitch, thanks). I know he is just going to say no and tell me the whole “I have a girlfriend and I can’t be hitting on him speech.” But is it worth a try my friends?. I think not. But… I think I might. But… at the same time I really don’t feel like being embarrassed and turned down. Nope. Don’t want to go through that. Nope. Random thought but, hey anyone remember that book a chicken soup for the girl’s soul? Damn, I feel like I could really use that book right now lol. 6th grade me did not appreciate that book enough. Anyways, enough with my random and stupid flashbacks, FOCUS HERE WE GOT A TEXT TO ANSWER. Or we don’t. Ugh I don’t even know anymore.

Ok update…. I texted asking if he wanted to catch up one day, and yes I know im going to get the stupid “I have a girlfriend and I can’t be talking to you” talk but my stupid weak heart went for it. I hate myself. I will give the embarrassing update when I get one. Im dreading this… yep.

P.s. I AM FUCKING SWEATING DREADING FOR THIS TURNED DOWN TEXT. OK BYE.

Ok so a little update from the last time I was venting my feelings. The last text I sent about catching up he said he wasn’t ever really in New York anymore because he goes to school up in North Carolina but then I mentioned how I am home now since I graduated over the summer so if hes ever home for break or something, that im here and he said ok sounds good. I never expected him to say but, then again he could just be saying that because he just feels simply bad for me or he genuinely thinks that sounds like a good idea. Then again, I think it’s the first one because I texted him a couple days ago and he NEVER answered!!. No, it wasn’t a flirty text either, it was simply a text about a funny old memory but he never answered, and let me tell you something, I didn’t think it was going to effect me if he didn’t answer but guess what.. OF COURSE IT DID!!. I mean, this guy was the best thing that happened to me in high school and I let it all slip away and now he’s with some gorgeous girl and has forgotten all about me. UGH, ok stop this girl your better than this!!. I really wish I could say I wasn’t sad about this but I am, unfortunately I fucking am. I’m actually hating myself for being sad because I feel WEAK and that is the last thing I ever let myself feel when it comes to guys. The one thing that is seriously running through my mind is WHY didn’t he answer. Was it because he simply didn’t give a shit and could care less that I texted or was it because he did want to answer but his girlfriend found out and she doesn’t want him texting me, or hes feeling guilty about talking to someone who he used to have a thing with back in high school?. Either way, I hope hes thinking about me… BUT! at the same time I hope he knows that was a fucking DICK move and im super pissed at him right now. I really want to send that angry “well if you didn’t want to talk to me or be friends with me all you have to do is be honest and say it to me rather then ignore me” text, but I don’t know the reasoning behind him not answering either so I don’t want to jump to conclusions either. There is also the fact that we are technically in a good state and what if he ends up texting me one day, I don’t want things to be weird. But mainly, I DON’T want to see desperate. Girls, please never show how eager you are to talk to a guy, it doesn’t look good at all, let HIM come to YOU!. I am going to be throwing a bunch of advice in here so please get a pencil and write this shit down or just simply memorize it ok? Thanks!. Anyways, it sucks being sad over this guy. I knew what I was setting myself up for by sending him the very first text. He could answer or ignore me. I feel like in the end he just ignored me. Yes, he answered the first text but he played me and led it on like were cool and could potientally be friends but I was fooled. That was never the case. He has a girlfriend and I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s always going to choose her over me. Im going to tell myself what I would telling one of my friends if they came to me with this and wanted advice. “First off, lets be honest, you knew this wasn’t going to end up being you and him texting every day and becoming close again and talking about how much you miss each other and him dumping his girlfriend for you. Lets get into reality here and admit that you knew it was going to be one quick convo and you would probably never hear from him again ok?. Ok. Second, fuck him! DON’T text him back, oh god no. Do you want him to know that your upset and he hurt you by not answering a fucking text? Please girl, show him you could give two shits if he texts you or not. Show him you a way better off without him in your life and don’t need him, bitch bye!. Third, delete him from your contacts. You don’t want to be scrolling through your contacts and see his name there. The less you are reminded of him the better!. Like I said, let him come to you!. Don’t loose sleep over someone who doesn’t loose sleep over you. Please!. Fourth, do other things such as spend time with friends, or binge watch your favorite movies, or go shopping, do anything that makes YOU happy. Do anything that will get your mind off of him. The less you do things that distract you, the less he will pop up in your head and soon he will just be a memory again”. All the advice I just said was GOLD! I hope you girls wrote this shit down. Anyways, im going to go watch some movies, I will be back again If there are any updates on this situation. I kind of want to call this “Situation BS”. And no, that doesn’t stand for situation bullshit, it stands for situation Boys SUCK! JJJJJJJJJ. And if there happens to be any updates I will come back saying “CODE RED, CODE RED, CODE RED!!”. Wow, I just realized cool I really am. Sigh. There probably wont be any updates but if by gods miracle there is ill be back!.

Well, I decided to give in and text him and ask why he was ignoring me and well, lets just say I regret ever texting him in the first place. I really just want to cry into my pillow right now and stay in my room for the day but I wont let him get that satisfaction. I will cry for a little bit because its ok to cry. Its ok to feel sad and let everything out. Please never think that being sad isn’t ok, because it is. Its important to acknowledge how your feeling and to not bottle up your emotions. Holding in everything will just call for a serious breakdown later on. But, I ended up getting told by him that basically its not best for us to be talking because we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in 7 years and he lives 600 miles away now and has had the same girlfriend for over 2 years. Yeah, can you believe it? He finally had the balls to mention his girlfriend. Congratulations you pussy!. I didn’t know people couldn’t be friends if they lived far away from each other. One of my best friends from high school went away to college 5 hours away from me and we still kept in contact and remained friends to this day. I guess im just some hook up whore to him from his past. I guess that is all I ever will be remembered to him as. Some bitch he would hook up with in high school and left behind in his old town that he grew up in. He has this perfect life now 600 miles away and I cant be apart of that, because im his past. I’m a blurry memory and nothing more. I didn’t know that just because you haven’t talked to someone in a while that you cant reconnect with them. To me that is one of the best feelings. To hear from an old friend and know that they were thinking of you. It means you meant something to that person and you were important enough for them to make time for you and reach out. Ive seen it happen plenty of times, but I when I try to do it, I basically just get a big fuck you. I don’t even know why I tried. Well, actually yes I do. I was hoping he would miss me too. I was hoping he wanted to be in my life too. I was hoping I still meant something to him too. I was hoping he thought I was important to him too. I was hoping I was someone he still cared about too. I believed in hope too much this time. I should of known that just because he replied the first time that it actually meant something. He was just trying to be “nice” so he wouldn’t have to hear from me again. Well, guess what, he will never have to worry about that again. Sometimes when your too nice in life it just ends up backfiring on you. People will take advantage of that and not give one single shit how it affects you. That’s why im done being nice. Im tired of being stepped all over. Im tired of people leading me on and acting like its ok to play with my feelings. That is not fucking ok. Nothing is worse than feeling like you have a chance when you don’t. This is why I feel I distant myself from people. I always end up getting hurt and I didn’t want to feel like this again, but of course I do. Its like I attract this kind of negativity in my life. Sometimes I feel I cant even be around people because im so depressed that I will suck the happy out of them. Im just like this dark cloud and its always raining around me. I really got to stop talking like this though. Just because something bad like this happened today doesn’t mean the sun wont come up tomorrow. It doesn’t mean im not surrounded by people who love and care about me. People who genuinely do….unlike some people. My family. Family are the one thing that will never lie, hurt, or betray you. It’s the one thing in life you can ALWAYS count on and I am so grateful for mine. The are the reason why I wont be upset about this. But, girls, never feel guilty for sticking up for yourself and telling someone how you really feel. I know I put myself in a bad situation with this guy considering I knew the circumstances of everything but one thing I wont feel guilty for is telling him off. You don’t play with someone and act like your cool again and then ignore them and not have the balls to tell them something unless they confront you. Honestly just because he had a girlfriend, doesn’t mean I didn’t want him in my life. I just missed him, that’s all. I know I stated in the beginning that I regret was the one thing I felt, but that isn’t the case anymore. I feel content. I tried to reconnect with and old friend and he didn’t want that and that’s ok. Not my loss, its his J. If someone doesn’t want you in their life, that’s ok. Move on and focus on whats right in front of you. Your alive, you woke up this morning, you health is great, and you got the people in your life who really matter, your family, friends, and loved ones. Those who truly care about you will show it. Don’t forget that.

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