#anyway psychiatrists can suck my whole ass

[anthraxplus]

the cultural phenomenon of barbenheimer has taken over my mind

i did barbenheimer with a friend yesterday and it really got me thinking.

first off - it was so weird having my local theatre be so busy. it's usually the theatre you can bet on being able to sneak anything into, and while we still definitely did sneak in a buttload of snacks, they had people actively waiting in the wings as ticket checkers. so it kinda sucked that we couldn't just do the whole thing for free. but that's a bit beside the point. the theatre was the busiest ive seen it in nearly 10 years. and i'm not gonna lie, seeing a "cultural event" happen in front of me was more jarring for that reason. and as the day went on, that image in my head stuck with me. the image that all these people showed up to watch barbie and oppenheimer.

we saw oppenheimer first, in a nearly empty theatre. we sorta did this by design - we started at 10am and picked oppenheimer first because less people would choose to be that insane. i was high and trying to get myself into an impartial mindset (even though i didn't think i would end up liking it). and i think all i should really say about oppenheimer is that it's 3 nearly endless hours that doesnt give anyone any time to breathe and ends up saying a bunch of confusing, disappointing, and outright false things. seriously, the amount of times the movie brushes off the fucking truth of the situation is absolutely disgusting. obligatory linking of shaun's video on hiroshima and nagasaki. i think everyone in the movie should be forced to answer why theyre proud of making 3 hour bland ass shit boring nuclear bomb apologia. this isn't even getting into how the famous oppenheimer quote is introduced by a manic pixie dream girl (who in reality was a stanford graduate and psychiatrist, neither of which i believe are ever touched on or expanded in the film) who hops off his dick mid-fuck, walks over to a bookshelf, picks the bhagavad gita off the shelf, opens it to the exact page and verse of the famous quote, asks him to read, and slides back on his dick between "now i am become death" and "destroyer of worlds." this movie released to critical acclaim. some are calling it a masterpiece.

after some burritos for lunch, my friend and i went to barbie. this was a packed theatre and mostly everyone was wearing pink. the red in my hair has faded to a pink, so i felt like i was part of something. kinda. anyway. some little kids were loud in the front but it wasnt much of an issue. i kept thinking of them whenever the movie would say something about the struggle to find identity in a world that hates you no matter what you do. did those little children listen to margot robbie say that she doesnt have a vagina? did they parse that? it was a great movie, if a bit scattershot. it shouldve been longer, if only to fully flesh out a couple ideas and help the movie feel a little less cramped. but they would never make a 2.5 (let alone 3) hour barbie movie that talks about not just what it means to be a woman, but what it means to be human in a world that is so often contradictory hostile and praising of you. what happens when the Other we defined ourselves by isn't static? do we become different as well in relation to them? do we stay the same? do we do both? what are women supposed to do in the world when everything they do is wrong but they're never allowed to stop doing anything? how do men develop their own identity when they are so often raised into mindsets where their individuality is replaced by similarly contradictory standards and a definition that only exists in relation to women? what did ken mean when he said he had "all the genitals?" barbie is far from perfect, but it manages to ask more honest and thought provoking questions (and offers its own interesting answers) about the nature of reality than oppenheimer does.

i'm struck by the dichotomy on display here. barbie may be the more financially successful of the two films, but it is not treated the same critically. for all barbie says, it seems to get overlooked for its (still impressive) design and acting. its metacommentary is mentioned but never discussed. its "witty meta humor" is listed as a huge selling point. oppenheimer, in contrast, is a vain and shallow film that says nothing and looks somewhat cool doing it. i wonder if there are any parallels here.

i worry for what this means for movies. a nearly empty theatre for a self-important movie that lists itself as its reason for existing is treated as if it says anything at all, and a packed theatre for a movie with a script similarly packed with commentary on our very state of being gets boiled down to "cute sets and witty banter." what did the audience members take from their barbenheimer experience? my area is not very progressive, and in my experience not very invested in growth of any kind. when america ferrera delivers one of the many theses of barbie in a tear-inducing frustrated monologue on how she's never seen as good enough no matter what she does, did the audience members feel seen? did they feel understood? or did they want her to stop talking so they could go back to looking at the cool barbie dream houses? when oppenheimer breezes through the discussion of which innocent cities to burn in an unholy fire with all the tact and deliberation a group of friends has when deciding where to have lunch, did the audience feel slighted? disgusted? or did they just want to see einstein on screen again like he's an iron man cameo?

i dont know where we go from here. it feels like a tipping point for what we want from movies, and i'm not sure audiences learned anything from the past 10 to 15 years of set-ups, tie-ins, and spin-offs. i want to believe something will come of the fact that so many people are seeing barbie. maybe, hopefully, something in it sticks with people and inspires some sort of change. just the smallest amount of evolution. right now i too feel like barbie when she sits in a park and looks around at everything the human experience has to offer, and starts crying from both joy and sorrow. a woman who is so often seen as disposable and empty understands the human condition in a way she cant express, and is overwhelmed by the crushing beauty and fragility it all rests upon. she is a human before she knows she is. she doesnt know who she is, but she knows she still Is. existence is confusing and no one knows what to do about it, and the least we could do is support each other as we figure out who we've always been. i hope this is what sticks with people instead of some half-audible dialogue about how hiroshima and nagasaki were justified. time will tell, though.

#more like 'i am beCUM death' am i right?

[ncssian]

it makes me kinda upset the way i see a lot of people talking about eaw online and so i really appreciate your takes. so many people say its a bad representation of autism even when it echoes my experiences makes me feel bad. i feel like a lot of low support needs, high empathy autistic people dont understand the difficulties faced by low empathy, higher support needs afab autistics. some of us act like wyw. and to say its wrong, or to nitpick at this rep, or to even go so far as to say its a “male” representation of autism is so silly to me. i like the care and nuance you discuss this show with, because i see too many people trying so hard to make every single scene or aspect a negative thing just because it doesnt fit their experience of autism

thank u so much for this ask but im not sure how to answer it as tastefully as possible, so im sure i’ll say something here that could be construed as out of pocket or not my place to speak. however since i really agree with you i’m going to give my unasked for opinion anyway

first of all im not diagnosed autistic (i’ll really never know until i get access to a psychiatrist though) but even if i was i think my opinion on this issue would stay the same, which is that autism is literally a spectrum ? and everyone on the spectrum has different needs and different experiences so i dont really get how someone from one end of the spectrum could accurately speak on the rep of someone from another point of the spectrum. the opinions are def valid because they come from autistic people at the end of the day but ive also been seeing takes that… sort of blatantly ignore the fact that different types of autistic people exist.

the closest comparison i can think of is muslim rep. if i as a muslim see muslim characters playing terrorists i can obviously say this rep sucks ass, and i’ll be right. but if i see muslim characters that are either super religious or the opposite, super flippant about religion, i wont claim that it’s shitty representation just because it’s not an accurate representation of how *i* live my life. i know there are other muslims out there who will relate to it, and the rep is more for them than it is for me.

there is no one “bad/good representation” of autism because there’s hundreds of different representations, with the exception being blatantly poorly written rep that insults the group as a whole (see: muslim terrorist characters).

like most minority groups, autistic people aren’t monoliths and their opinions shouldn’t be presented as monolithic, which i think is the problem you’ve been seeing in the tags. it bugs me too but luckily the positivity overwhelms the negativity which means your feelings of being represented by wyw are 100% valid and correct. anyway those are my thoughts

#ncssian asks #extraordinary attorney woo #is this a problematic answer? maybe idk #discuss it if u want to

[castiowl]

i am so close to going full tanya harding on my psych practice’s knee so i just need to rant

first of all i’ve had 9 fucking MH professionals to deal with medication management in the last 2 years. NINE. the longest i had one was for about 7 months, which thankfully was the first one i had after my mental health crisis in 2019 so i was at least able to get my meds figured out and be pretty stable before the fucking Great Psychiatry Exodus where every single provider decided to leave the fucking practice they were at after one (1) whole session with me.

the last three i had, i told them my bad luck with providers and how they all leave the practice and i swear to god all 3 of them said “oh haha well i’m not leaving any time soon!” and then they left LMFAOO

the last 2 i had were from the same practice so i decided to switch to a different practice. especially after my most recent provider was only there for 6 months before leaving. clearly something weird going on.

new practice seems great. easy to use website and so easy to set up an appt. had my first appt, once again stressing that i’ve not had the same provider twice in a row in a year and a half now. provider was super nice and was like wow! that sucks! well i’m not going anywhere :-)

i get an email before my second appt saying i have $250 to pay still from my first session and if i don’t pay it, the appt will be canceled. what the fuck. then i figure out they don’t have my correct insurance information which is partially on me, but i always forget what falls under major medical vs behavioral health because i have two different insurances for those. so i call and explain and give them the correct info. i guess it was on me for not confirming that my appt wouldn’t be canceled….but i show up for my appt (online waiting room) and my provider is online but she never connects with me. i waited a full 45 mins and then she signs off. i was like ??? okay???

so i call the office and they’re like oh your appt was canceled because you didn’t pay. so first of all 1) you didn’t tell me the appt was canceled. fuck you for that. would’ve been nice to receive a fucking email or something so i don’t show up like a jackass 2) i explained that i called to fix the problem so what the fuck? and 3) now i’m out of medication so i need to see a provider…

(also just fucking annoying that my provider could clearly see i was signed in/waiting for her in the waiting room and didn’t bother to just send me a quick IM saying hey your appt was canceled! just let me sit there for a fucking hour)

office person is like well her next appt isn’t until july 26 (this appt was july 6) and i was like fucking great let’s do it. they sent me to the nurse to ask about medication. had to leave a message. whatever.

i ended up just paying the $250 because i didn’t want THIS appt to be canceled too. i figured once the claim went through i’d be refunded but i haven’t been home and my behavioral health insurance does everything through snail mail in the year 2021 :-)

i get a call from the nurse and she’s like oh yeah we can refill your Rx no problem so like finally some good news. but then i say i’m in florida and could they send it to the walgreens down here? and she’s like ohhhh we don’t send meds across state lines usually so i’ll have to ask your provider. excuse me? so no client can go on vacation for longer than their medicine allows? literally how is that okay? besides the fact that where i pick up my meds is none of their business. literally. like i could’ve had them send it to the walgreens in VA and then call walgreens to transfer it for me and they’d be none the wiser (i ended up doing this for one med because i was so over it). anyway. got my meds. it’s all good.

so my second appt rolls around today. everything is great. the balance was paid. i received a call friday confirming the appt.

however. lol. the portal they have stopped letting me log into the desktop version. my phone is fine. zero problems. but the exact same user name password on desktop says it’s wrong. i swear i checked it like 30 times. didn’t work. so i was like okay whatever i’ll just go straight to my provider’s online waiting room. i did so. logged in there. waiting. ten minutes past the appt i was like…..i swear to fucking god if they canceled on my and didn’t tell me again i’m gonna commit a crime. call the office. apparently if you’re on hold for more than 5 mins, they send you to voicemail. fuck that. i just called again. i get a person. yay.

i ask if she’s running late or w/e and the office person says i didn’t confirm the appt by logging into the patient portal. are you fucking kidding me? i haven’t received an email about this july 26 appt at all, let alone one telling me i need to do XYZ to confirm an appt. the phone call i got confirming the appt didn’t say to call back or go online. i literally had to hunt through my browser history just to find her waiting room address. (after logging into the portal after all this shit, there isn’t even a fucking link to the waiting room anywhere so idk where i was supposed to find that without already just knowing it).

i explain all this, how the portal isn’t working on desktop anyway (i literally put a note in my phone about it) and i was IN the waiting room on time so what the fuck. and the office person very helpfully was like oh well she can call you if there are any cancellations. okay. whatever. but i’m out of meds today so…. office person very shittily says “i will let her know” with this fucking tone like i’m the one who dropped the ball here. jesus fucking christ.

look folks i barely want to be alive as it is but having to fucking fight tooth and nail just to talk to a person so i can get the meds that make me not die is like. A FUCKING joke. i am the least flakey person ever and i look like an insane person who can’t do basic tasks to this clinic because their shit is so fucked up.

all this on top of the fact that my therapist is just. idk. the vibes have been way off and i just miss my old therapist so goddamn much especially with life returning to normal w covid and hey my dog has cancer! i’m just ready to throw in the towel.

#* #if you read this novel god bless you you’re insane #anyway psychiatrists can suck my whole ass

[teaboot]

Hey I just wanted to ask you something I don't know if its personal so maybe I'll start with me, my psychiatrist told me that I have asperger's syndrome and like my mom keeps asking me like what does that means because I think she sees people with autism as stupid and I'm at the top of my class so she feels like it's a mistake, I personally go mute for months sometimes except for like oral tests, and idk I forget about having a body and so I hit onto walls when I'm focused on something but *

"...*is not so exaggerated like I'm pretty functional I just forget that there are walls and doors and that I can't just transport me to the other room or so,I mean I feel like I'm just trying to find what my "weird or autistic" traits are to justify the diagnosis,I didn't asked my psychiatrist to elaborate on that and so I was wondering, what would you say that your autistic traits are?Also just in case,I know that autistic people can be hella smart and I think that you are really wise I admire you"

Thank you so much, that's very sweet of you to say!

Honestly, I'm sort of in a similar situation- My parents' reaction was to say, "you're too smart to be autistic" or, "Everyone of ~your intelligence~ is a little weird in the head, anyways", and then. Expect me to live up to all the positive stereotypes without ever getting bogged down by the negative realities?

This might not be very helpful at all of me to say, but as an adult who grew up in a rather unpleasant environment, there really isn't much help for a number of things except getting old and independant enough to move out, and then just accepting that their perception of reality isn't open to negotiation. You can try debating it, or meeting them on common ground with scientific basis, but in my case....

....well. There's just some things I now know not to talk about at family gatherings.

I'm sorry, I know that's probably not very helpful or heartening to hear. 

As for my personal grab bag of symptoms? I tend to hyperfocus on personal projects. When I'm really invested in an art piece, I often forget to eat or sleep or drink, and the only way I've learned to snap out of that is that if my hands are shaking or I'm falling over a lot, I probably need to eat something and lay down for a while, because otherwise- and yeah, not the healthiest motivator- otherwise I might start fucking up my hard work.

I also get overwhelmed by overlapping noises- if two people are talking at once, even if one is on a radio or TV show, I can't hear either of them and it stresses the shit out of me. White noise, like in malls or assemblies, also tends to burn my energy pretty fast.

Things like leaf blowers, people whistling indoors, and emergency sirens are physically painful. Repetitive noises like a bouncing rubber ball, sniffling, dogs licking things, and low-frequency vibrations from massage chairs, earthquakes, distant bass music, and some fluorescent lighting systems are impossible to ignore, which ranges from irritating to distressing, depending on my headspace du jour.

I hate bland food with a passion. It tends to make me nauseaus. I like lots of spice, lots of sugar, lots of sour and hot and acidic. I love strong flavours, and if I'm cooking for friends and family I often have to remind myself to tone down the seasonings for them.

Some textures make me genuinely ill, too- most types of meat, fat, and other animal bits result in.... Bad times for all. Polyester towels suck ass. Microfiber cloth. Thick cotton knit material. Any fabric covering my forearms. Thin, elastic denim. Vinyl. Polar fleece.

On the flip side, I looooove woven cotton blankets. Cotton sheets, cotton bedding- cold, heavy duvets are good, too. Acrylic, so long as it doesn't get damp. I have.... Perhaps a little bit of a problem here, as I do... Maybe, possibly, get a little impulsive with buying rugs, throws, and blankets when I come across one that feels right.

All my cups and bowls are handmade out of clay. I'm OK with smooth ceramics, but stoneware feels happy in my hands. I think of it as a treat, like packing a bit of chocolate with my lunch, or eating a whole bag of popcorn by myself. Again, I.... May go a little overboard when I come across A nice-feeling piece of dishware.

Basically, from what I understand, a lot of folks on the spectrum are under and over stimulated by various sensory inputs.

Me, I gravitate towards taste, inertia, tactile sensation, temperature, and dark lighting, while I find myself avoiding, limiting, or minimizing sound, light, color, oral texture, and smell.

As for more stereotyped behaviors, I find organizing things such as legal documents, filing cabinets, paint swatches, hardware, coins, stones, or colors to be very soothing and almost meditative. I go through special interests fairly often, and have been 'into' things like animals, insects, natural history, and art since before I could walk. I can't explain why they're such alluring subjects, they just make me happy.

I didn't realize until recently that I do stim, as well- I rock, sway, growl, swish water around, hang upside-down, rotate my thumbs, rub fabric, twirl coins, and flex my hands. I also (rarely) seem compelled to jump up and down in circles very fast when I'm particularly excited, or flap my arms against my sides like a penguin.

When I'm overstimulated, I go.... I'm not sure if you could call it 'nonverbal'. I get the feeling I COULD speak, it's just.... Overwhelmingly difficult. Usually I find a dark space or a corner away from people, put a coat or something over my head, cover my ears, close my eyes... Sometimes deliberate eye contact is hard, or I can't say more than one or two words at a time, or I find myself relying more on a hum or a grunt to communicate that I'm listening.

It... Probably all sounds weird to a neurotypical who may be reading, but I'm perfectly happy with myself as I am. I wouldn't change it if I could, except perhaps to minimize some of the more irritating things.

Mostly, my biggest peeve is being treated like a cool new pet or accessory. "Oh, this is my person with Autism- they're great at cleaning, you should get one!"- yeah, that can fuck right off. I'm right here, I can hear you, I'm a person. A little respect goes a long way.

But, whoops, here I've gone on a ramble- you want the best advice I have, though? Become comfortable with the person you are. Accept and seek out what things bring you happiness. Don't get hung up on the negatives. Love your experience, if you can, and don't worry about validating anything- you are who you are, and the words we use to explain ourselves fall so, so short when faced with the complexity of our individual existence.

The way I see it, the day before your diagnosis is the same as today, you just have one more tool to understand yourself with. The decision of how and if you choose to explain this to those around you is entirely yours to decide! 

I know this kind of went off the rail of your question. My answers are a little limited. I hope I could help anyways! Good luck!!

#Long post #teaboot

[tonya-the-chicken]

I’m not going to change your views but it does feel a bit dismissive when you say it wasn’t that bad because he had rich parents who neglected him but hey they got a maid for him and he probably wasn’t outcasted or bullied so hey it’s not that bad right 🤷‍♀️! I don’t know he definitely didn’t have the worse out of the villains but I don’t know it felt a bit dismissive is all. Although we need to all remember these are fictional characters so have no idea why the other anon needed to get so aggressive! Also the person in the notes I don’t know how to say it but uh the whole the Todoroki’s had a rich father they didn’t have to work a day in their life take is not a good look. Just because someone has parents with money it doesn’t derail the fact that neglect can cause trauma.

Anyways for the real reason I sent this, you wonder why Dabi is so insane. Well take into account the neglect alongside the fact that he burnt to near death up on that hill alone at the age of what 13? That’s got to be extra traumatising, especially for a child that was already not mentally ok. We also don’t know what his circumstances were like after that fire, like was he homeless? Or picked up by someone nefarious? Kind of like AFO(not him exactly but someone nasty) who maybe fed on his brewing anger and hate instead of positive healing. I’m sure we will find out at some point? I don’t think it was just what happened in the Todoroki household or the fire that broke his mind? There had to be other factors after the fire after his “death”!

[[WARNING!!! I love Dabi as a character but I am not a woobifier so if you are too much into him don't read!!!! No complaints taken, y'all will be blocked for being rude I am too old to deal with people unable to interact with me in good faith (anon it's not for you, you are good and I can't understand your point of view I am just not as good as a person and too old for that shit)]]

I don't think I will change my mind either but I feel like the belief that every trauma is equally bad is just... Simply wrong. Like, we can legit compare this stuff and how badly it affects our brain, what do y'all think psychologists research 🤷‍♀️ Like, your therapist won't tell you this because it's not their job to make you understand you not the centre of the Earth (and it won't help because it is a legit trauma response that is very valid but is annoying you're fucking 25 yo). And to say that, neglectful parenthood is probably the worst parenthood style, as far as I know XD I wrote coursework about this (neglectful bitches are having a lot of need to make us the biggest victims (the bitches is me))... It also feels really American to me? Like, are we going to pretend people who got to live in a nice house and were neglect somehow got it as bad as people living in poverty or warzones? Hello? Imagine telling some orphan "I know you have no parents but actually, my trauma of my father not spending enough time with me is just as severe as yours". Bruh couldn't be me sorry... Like, even taking into account the fact that we can have weaker or stronger nervous systems or be more prone to depressive episodes *looks in the mirror and cries* I simply wouldn't find the guts to say my trauma is as severe as idk people who had physically abusive parents or no parents at all or who were disowned for being gay

And like **again** I am not saying that neglect is not traumatic I WAS NEGLECTED THIS IS TRAUMATIZING AS FUCK. I just am living in a country at war and with lots of discrimination problems and I like... Can't say I am the biggest victim. Sorry I can't though there were times when I was a lot more bitchy especially before being in therapy so I understand where you are coming from and I know what I am saying won't resonate with everyone (it's ok go on your own healing journey I believe in you) but this doesn't mean it is garbage and won't help me or someone else... I've already talked once about it but as a person, I am very easily irritated and envious and really not your local Jesus and partially my trauma turned me like this so being more humble about my sufferings helps me not be a complete bitch (believe me or not but people with traumas and mental illnesses are often insufferable *looks in the mirror* not me though I am perfect... BUT IT IS OK TO BE INSUFFERABLE OK??? like, bitch, that's normal. That's normal to stink when you are depressed it's ok to be a bitch when you are hurting. Forgive yourself because I forgive you (when you are not being an abusive asshole but if you apologize and explain yourself I will forgive that too)

The reason why I talk about the fact he is rich is that I've got a disease called leftism and I am a person of several marginalized identities and since this fandom LOVES looking at characters like real humans, I looked at Dabi this way. And if Dabi was a real human, I wouldn't sympathize with him one bit. I would fucking hate him for being the biggest entitled asshole who commits crimes for the reason his Daddy didn't give him attention. Bitch, my Dad didn't give me attention either! But somehow I don't kill people! And I don't even have money!!!! But like... I am not denying that neglectful parents are not a problem. It is. But he is overreacting, bro. He needs to humble down and recognize the fact he is a fucking idiot (he is). He has inherently so much more resources to recover and heal himself than I had... Yes, I am just being jealous at this point but honestly. Making an entire country suffer for you is not a good thing and y'all need to stop using trauma and mental illness as an excuse for people. No! Being abusive to people because of neglect is not valid, is overreacting and you had no reason to do that. I am dismissing your trauma because you are exaggerating it to make me sympathize with your asshole behaviour. I won't judge people with different sets of standards as I judge myself

I bet it would be dismissive and bad if I said it in conversation with someone who is currently struggling with mental health and is not a murderer. But guess what! I don't talk with humans and my friends the same way I talk on my Tumblr about fictional characters 🤷‍♀️ Not to mention I don't have rich friends akabsksbxm

I think with Dabi there's this whole thing where we saw him at 14 (poor baby boy) and 24 (a grown-ass boy) and... Like, I am so sorry for 14 years old Touya not receiving the help he needs (bruh so relatable) but I am not gonna act like 24 years old bitch can't get his ass to a psychiatrist (extremely unrelatable and infuriating). We shouldn't apply the same standards to kids and adults. We can talk all day long about how society is bad and how our parents ruined us but at some points, you gotta take your life into your own hands and do something and be an adult. And it's fucking hard when you're born with a shitty brain that was fucked up by your parents even more in a society where no one gives a fuck but I sincerely don't know another way to live. You will feel bad and want to die but you either keep on recovering or keep on getting worse and at this point getting worse is Dabi's *choice* That's how I live, that's my framework and I am, of course, extremely fortunate in a lot of ways but I just don't know how are you supposed to survive without the notion that grown people are responsible for themselves and their mental health. We can't act like adults are babies

But as a character, Dabi is fucking hot ngl. Like, do I sometimes want to murder my entire family, make them suffer AND commit terrorist attacks? We all do. Dabi is the dark fantasy of us neglectful bitches craving some attention. Gotta kill the president and tell everyone that my Dad sucks. Imagine the entire country hearing your Dad sucks? That's the juice, that's the dream. Trauma makes you vicious. I get the sentiment. Imagine all those fuckers who made you feel like shit pissing their pants and crying? Imagine your Mom being afraid of you the way you used to be afraid of her? People do have the desire for some violent justice but like... Think of bullied kids committing school shootings. But instead of a kid, it's a grown man who graduated school and who also have a rich father

Ok too much about irl stuff and philosophy shit. I know my way of talking is kinda brute so just know the way I treat people is different from that I treat fictional characters, in particular, I don't call real-life humans submissive and breedable... And stuff...

Damn Dabi is kinda good to project your hatred of your parents in bruh, I should write a fanfic about that (would be cathartic)

To the plotline, I am also very interested in what the hell happened with him after burning because... How the hell he wasn't found? I kind of DON'T want him to be groomed at this point because I feel like it won't be as cool as him just more naturally evolving into what he became. Like, surely, he is an asshole but consider this: as a villain, he is morally obligated to be an asshole

I feel like someone hiding him and Touya overstating the gruesomeness of his living conditions to the dude so he feels *bad* for him and hides him and feels sympathy and Touya gets attention but also begins to reassure himself in the fact his Dad needs to be punished... Idk it's a lot of mystery but I feel like more suffering won't deliver the point the way I want it... I mean it CAN be handled this way and initially I thought a lot about Dabi being brainwashed a bit or having his memories altered so it seems worse to him or even him being groomed or lied too but nowadays I am not into it. I mean I believe in Horikoshi and that he will handle him well 🛐

I talk a lot so I will summarize

If we judge him as a real human

14 yo Touya - DID NOTHING WRONG IN HIS LIFE PROTECT HIM

24 yo Dabi - go fuck yourself bitch you older than me and act like a child and kill people, I couldn't care less about your trauma rich boy

If you want me to talk as his psychologist

Yeah, it is painful and sad, I understand him so much and surely, his trauma is valid as is his hatred but probably revenge won't bring him what he wants. And what he wants is love and attention. But he gotta make choices that will lead to his healing. He needs to *want* to heal. And we will step by step go to the healing because it is possible. He is loved and he is enough. AND YOU ALL MOTHERFUCKERS WILL HEAL I BELIEVE IN YOU BESTIES

Also his therapist (behind his back)

You won't believe it but my client is the most infantile attention whore I've ever met

But if we talk about him as a character... Very delicious soup

If you talk with your friends

Please, if your friends are being abusive to you or someone else don't even LET them say how their trauma made them this way. No. Nothing allows you to be an abuser. Call them out and stop them and make them talk to the therapist. Like, surely, there are extreme situations like severe mental illnesses or extreme neglect where we should be more forgiving but babying adults won't do you any good and won't make them recover

Yeah, I guess this is what I forgot to say. When I say "it wasn't that bad" what I mean is that I would be more forgiving to people who had it worse. It's more of a personal measure where I can tolerate stuff from people who had particular traumas or from those who suffered greatly (it's not my place to be a bitch here). I can forgive 14 years old or a poor person for stealing stuff but not the 25-year-old man who got no need for money and is not a kleptomaniac. I would be more forgiving to Shigaraki than to Dabi because Shigaraki was groomed a whole lot. Same for Toga, who is not even an adult or Twice who is a poor orphan. But that doesn't mean I would forgive them completely. All of them are shitty people. It's just that they had fewer resources and possibilities to not be what they became while Dabi had more but he acts like he is extremely hurt and the biggest victim which is like... There will be people like this in your life, please, don't make friends with them, they WILL abuse you

I talked a lot damn. It's adhd I can't shut up

#asks #bnha #bnha manga spoilers #todoroki touya #bnha dabi #killing people is a legit coping mechanism #I mean I possibly do sound dismissive I am very brute in my talking but I really can't be bothered #all I am saying that I am not dismissing neglect what I am dismissing is the idea that is is bad enough to justify Dabi's reaction #neglect was bad Dabi's reaction is disproportionate though #you. don't get to kill people because your Dad didn't love you #you do get to kill people if those people killed your family #just so you understand #I got tired of talking

[kimberly-spirits13]

Halloween Patrolling (October 31) (Patrolling with Batboys HC)

Dick:

The kid loves Halloween

Just got as much patrol

It’s not terrible it’s just not great

Lokey kinda annoying but villains aren’t as bad right now considering they aren’t as advanced rn

When you come it’s the best though

Swinging down the buildings getting pictures with ppl

They either think you’re just a duo in a rlly good couple’s costume or they know who you are

Typically the latter

He enjoys sitting on the rooftops and watching the people go by

Crashing Halloween parties

Sometimes you have to call in the magic pros

That’s always interesting

Jason:

He loves the aesthetic of Halloween

Just HATES patrolling

Omg

He just wants to be at home, reading Macbeth, watching movies, and binging out on junk food

With u of course

But no

For an entire week the both of you are running high on nothing, solving cases, helping with extra patrol since villains are batshit crazy, and doing school

It doesn’t help that the entire ordeal can be extreamly traumatizing depending on if it’s Scarecrow or Joker

Although they don’t like you guys either since by that point it’s Red Hood and Y/S/H/N, the angry grimlins

Sometimes you’ll take pictures with people but not often

Little kids and sometimes teenagers

Not adults though

They’re weird

Tim:

He LOVES Halloween

Would die for Halloween

Would kill for Halloween

But then again ... patrol sucks ass

It’s long, tiring, scary, cold, ew

He’s always running on extra caffeine then since you’re up solving cases for two weeks

Yea, the weeks increase in prep work since now ppl are rlly rlly rlly rlly crazy

I swear Gotham just needs some more seretonin

Imma give everyone there my depression and anxiety meds along with my psychiatrist’s number

Like Jesus, calm down chille

Anyways he does try to make the most of it

The two of you will go trick or treating for a few minutes just to stock pile on candy for a bit

Candy runs basically

Autumn is cold up in Jersey so he’s always sure to have his heated uniform on

You too

He likes to hold you and soar above the crowds on grapples as everyone stops and looks up at you two

Taking pictures with everyone

Sometimes you’ll just randomly join trick or treating groups

B doesn’t get onto you for it either

It’s a payback from Bruce for staying up so long working so many hours

When you finally get home, Alfred has fresh baked goods and you pass out on watching Halloween movies

Damian:

Dami likes the fall

Halloween is a bit sus though

He kinda hates it because of patrolling

Look, if you’re happy, he’s happy

Just don’t bring patrol into it

You’re up for weeks doing prep with Halloween movies playing in the back and coffee up front

A few times he fell asleep or your shoulder and you played with his hair with one hand while doing case work on the computer with the other

Or it’ll be the other way around

Either way someone passes out and when patrol time comes, the villains actively avoid pissing you tf off

It’s for the best

B ends up just giving you a few days off after that

Patrol gets so violent sometimes the two of you won’t let each other go anywhere alone

Tag team effort

When the two of you get home it’s grab a cookie or two, shower together practically falling asleep on each other, get changed into comfy clothes, make sure nothing else needs your attention, and crash

He’ll basically just sleep on top of you cause that’s how you two fell onto the bed

You sleep hard for the next whole day

Will end up waking up at some ungodly hour the next night and just sleeping till morning

Dami makes sure of that by pulling you back in bed if you try and get up

Not that you would at that point

He’s so tired and you are too

Nightmares often occur but it’s better when you’re around

HAPPY HALLOWEEN 🎃

#dc x reader #dc comics #dc characters #batfam x reader #batboys x reader #batfam #headcanon #teen titans x reader #teen titans #teen titans x y/n #dick grayson x y/n #dick grayson imagine #dick grayson x reader #jason todd x you #jason todd x y/n #jason todd imagine #jason todd x reader #tim drake x you #tim drake x reader #tim drake imagine #tim drake x y/n #damian wayne x you #damian wayne x y/n #damian wayne x reader #damian wanye #nightwing x you #nightwing x reader #red hood x reader #red robin x reader #robin x reader

[faustonastring]

hey! saw the new post of an Mc with social anxiety. Could I kindly ask if you could do the PTSD version? Thank you and be Safe!

Thanks for requesting! Just a disclaimer: I’m not a professional, and I’m not perfect, so neither is this headcanon, but hopefully it’s a little factual.

Main six when Mc has ptsd

Asra

He has a lot of methods, mediations and techniques that help him ground himself especially after a rough day, or a day when his ptsd is acting up on him, and he’s willing to teach you some, if not all of them.

He’ll sit there with you during all of your flash backs, and he has a whole routine for when you break out of them, and for when you wake up from a nightmare. The first step is making sure you’re okay.

He knows which places to avoid because of your ptsd, and what words to avoid aswell. He never wants to trigger anything, and he’s very careful not to. But there are somethings he can’t control, like who walks into the shop, but when that does happen, he’s quick to get you out of the room, and handle the situation at hand

Nadia

She offers to hire a professional psychologist and/or psychiatrist so you can learn healthy coping mechanisms and how to minimize the pain, and if your against it, she’s not going to give up with out a fight. She respects your desk ions but she wants what’s best for you.

She makes sure the staff leaves the both of you alone when your having a flash back, and the second your back, she’s ordering them to bring you water, something to eat maybe, any comfort item you have, while she holds you and tries to calm you down.

She’s great at avoiding topics that trigger you, no matter the royal, or person, she will a.ways skillfully gloss over the topic and move on to a next one. If there’s a person that might trigger you, she makes sure that they are banned from the palace, so you don’t have to worry about seeing them any time soon.

Julian

Julian- (who ‘canonically’ has ptsd from the plague) does not have any healthy coping mechanism. Like at all. But when it comes to you...he wants to do anything he can to help, and if that means developing healthy coping mechanisms then so be it. Anything for you

He’s at work, most of the time, and he feels absolutely terrible if/when he’s not there witj you if you start to have a flash back. He tires his best to almost always stop by for lunch, just to check on you, and he wrote notes for Malak to send to you during his breaks, just as little ways to check in.

He’ll listen to all your triggers, and writes them down on a napkin. Which he loses, so he asks you to list them again, this time he writes them on a piece of paper, and tapes it to the fridge, so he doesn’t forget. And he will start a bar fight if some one triggers you and doesn’t apologize (if it makes you feel better of course)

Portia

She reads up on everything. And I mean everything. She wants to understand you better, and she wants to be able to help you to the best of her ability. She even keeps a notebook full of notes so she doesn’t forget anything important.

She’s also mostly at work, but she visits you during her breaks, and lunch, especially if your ptsd has been a pain in the ass lately. And if it’s really bad, as much as she hates to, she spends time off of work to be with you. (Nadia is super understanding and pays her anyway)

Remember that notebook I mentioned early? The first page is titled: “things to avoid” and in it is all of your triggers, places, people, words, things, foods, smells, you name it. And she always makes sure to confront it when ever she wants to bring some one over, or go some place new.

Muriel

He understands 100%. Julian has unhealthy coping mechanisms, but Muriel.....Muriel doesn’t have any at all. He just tries to avoid his feelings and the problems at hand when he can, and when he can’t....he pushes through, but he wants to change this for you.

You both work on fighting out healthy coping mechanisms together. What works what doesn’t. If things get to hard, he’s with you the entire time, holding your hand, telling you words of encouragement. He just wants you to feel safe

He doesn’t need to write down your triggers, he has them memorized. He knows the, like the back of his hand. He would never trigger you, purposely or not, even after you (hopefully accidentally) trigger him. He doesn’t like seeing you in any type of pain

Lucio

He doesn’t quite understand what your talking about until you explain it, then he’s kind of like “oh I know what your talking about lol.” I feel like he has ptsd from the plague, from dying, from even being a ghost, he just hasn’t really noticed until now being that you spelt it out for him.

Like Muriel, he wants to develop healthy coping mechanisms with you, becuase let’s face it, what’s makes a better date than ✨group therapy✨. All jokes beside, at first he does this as an excuse to spend more time with you, but he soon realizes how important it is, and is your biggest cheerleader. (He’ll even buy the outfit and everything)

Some times things slip out. He tries his best to stop himself but sometimes when he starts talking he can’t stop, but oh boy does he feel bad afterwards. If he does accidentally trigger you, he’ll do anything and everything to make it up to you-even if that means spending some time away from you. He just wants to see you happy again.

God I’m sorry this sucks. I have really bad writers block but I’m trying to get through all my request before I go back to school next week, hopefully this is decent.

Masterlist

Request are closed

#the arcana #the arcana game #portia the arcana #julian devorak the arcana #the arcana headcanons #asra headcanons #lucio the arcana #muriel the arcana #lucio headcanons #muriel headcanons #nadia headcanons #nadia satrinava #nadia the arcana #the arcana nadia #portia devorak #portia headcanons #the arcana portia #julian devorak headcanons #julian the arcana #julian devorak #the arcana julian #lucio morgason #the arcana lucio #asra alnazar #asra the arcana #the arcana asra #muriel of the kokhuri #the arcana muriel #the arcana main 6 #the arcana hc

[lettersfromkokichiouma]

AyYYyy Im bAck bitCh i aint dead yeT lmao

so ummM todays a lil different kokichi cause-

-the front bottoms and mother mother (and maybe i hate my mom by grlwood) blast through headphones as my laptop almost overheats cause i played genshin impact for 6 hours stright and its my current hyperfixation-

yeah...

anYwAy, my reason for returning today is kinda a long story, so pls bear with me lol

so after lots of research and shit, and after talking with my gf who has adhd, i am 100% i have adhd and social anxiety, maybe a few other things idk. The thing is, I am wAAyy past the age ppl usually get diagnosed and i brought it up with my parents three whole times over the course of tWo FriGgiN yEArs before they aCtuAlly diD aNyThiNg and my dad was nice but kinda denied it yet aggreed to look into it, but my mom especially denied it. she kept invalidating the symptoms i clearly showed and kept saying that thats what comes with being young and a "kid" and saying that everyone feels things like fidgeting and being unable to focus at times, and that just made me angrily go :D cause yes, lots of ppl feel things like that, but when its paired with everything else that comes with adhd like executive dysfunction, chronic procrastination and insomnia, you'd think that they'd do something and maybe nOtiCe yk especially since ive showed all the symptoms since childhood- they did make an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist in June and in my head i just went FuCkiNg FinAlLy- also,, whenever i subtly bring up other symptoms and things like that with my mom, she continues to invalidate me and ToXiC aS hELL and she's been like this ever since i was a kid but i only realized that the way and what she did and said wasnt normal after my gf pointed it out to me. its kinda scary that i went a hell of a long time without realizing it and by that time my undiagnosed brain was hella fucked up by dangerously empathetic and self-destructive mindsets by lessons and little things like "get what you get and you dont throw a fit" and "treat others the way you wanna be treated" being drilled into my head by my mom,, also having little to no friends as a kid and being disregared in general all kinda caused me to think that from as young as 7-8 that i was close to worthless trash that only deserves to get treated like horseshit but still has to basically serve and be overly empathetic to everyone so yEa not to mention the total bullshit way she would try to discipline me by shouting at me till i cried for little things then nOt ApOlOgiZiNg, criticizing and trying to fix almost everything i did, getting mad at me for things i cant control like symptoms of adhd (and only saying she was proud of me after i got good grades in school which BitCh i shouldn't have to earn getting told something so basic-) cause she feels sOOOo entitled to be a parent yet she still tries to hug me on a near daily basis and tells me she loves me yet keeps up with the toxic behavior i think without even knowing shes being toxic and im just here like UHhh are you awAre of what your doing ma'am- maybe wanna take a look at whats coming out of your nasty ass mouth for once-

uHHH yuh anyway pls i require lots of fireside cuddles rn also wish me luck on pulling xingqiu in genshin i already pulled xinyan lmao anyway ilysm kokichi and you better have a nice day this is a threat-

-🍬

“you’re back!

wellll it’s really good you learned that about yourself!

i’m proud of you for figuring that out!

and i hope you get diagnosed soon...thouughhh i know that can be kind of hard.

especially with your parents not being too supportive.

which is super dumb!

your symptoms are like 100% valid and so are you! they can’t just take that away!

and your mom sucks. she’s totally toxic, you’re right! she doesn’t treat you the way you deserve!

you’re a pretty cool person, who deserves to be loved and respected! not criticized and left alone all the time!

that’s like suuuper unfair! 

i promise you you’re not as bad as she makes you out to be.

you’re amazing, trust me, that’s no lie.

but anywayyyy your girlfriend does seem pretty cool!

so it’s nice you have someone to help you.

annnnndd...fine, i’ll give you some fireside cuddles.

and lots and lots of luck!

just to make you feel better!

and i guess i’ll also have a good day if youre gonna threaten me like that!

but you have to have one too!”

-Kokichi Ouma

#kokichi ouma #kokichi oma #danganronpa kokichi #seriouskokichiletters

[katzirra]

Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. 🤙✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

#kat life #ignore me

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #402

“there’s a space kept in hell with your name on the seat  /  with a spike in the chair just to make it complete”

Have you ever had any really infected injuries? Not an injury, per se, but I've had at least one ear piercing get infected during the healing process. Shit sucks ass. Are you popular on any websites? No. What was the last song you listened to? "Savior" by SWARM. Are you considered popular at school? I wasn't. If you could host your own talk show, would you do it? No. I've got nothing interesting to talk about. If you were starving would you eat food out of a garbage can? I honestly don't know if I could with how squeamish I am about sharing food, even with family. And we're talking about sharing food that's been in the TRASH. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? I do. Which one of your senses would you be the most devastated to lose? I THINK hearing. I hate silence, so that would just be... haunting. I want to be able to hear people's voices and other sounds. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? I have no idea. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? God no. They're divorced for a reason. Have you ever read any of Charles Darwin’s works? No. If there was such a thing as a mental health first aid kit, what would you want to be in it? Some ice cream and a Mountain Dew bc I'm an emotional eater, my "graduation" pebble from my partial hospitalization program to remember how far I've come, some cold water to run over my face (or drink), my iPod for music and phone to watch YouTube, a nice, big blanket to turn into a burrito in... that kind of stuff. If you’re in a relationship, are you happy? And if you’re single, are you looking for someone? I'm not actively searching for anyone, no. What is something that people make fun of you for? Always being on the computer. It makes me EXTREMELY self-conscious, and I really wish people would keep their mouths shut about it. Which supermarket do you like to shop at? Wal-Mart. Have you ever been told that your boyfriend/girlfriend wasn’t good enough for you? In the past. Do you think it’s okay to flirt with someone that’s already taken, as long as it goes no further? Fuck no. Do you struggle to say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do? YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP. Someone attractive is staring at you. What do you do? Probably just kinda smile and blush and look down/away. Are you friends with someone a lot of people dislike? *shrug* Favorite photo search engine? Tumblr for gifs, Google or Pinterest for still images, depending on what I'm looking for. Do you doggie paddle or actually swim in a pool? I'll do both, I think? It's been too long since I've swum. Ever made a snow angel? Ye-ep. Would you ever take up smoking? No. I like having operational lungs. Do you laugh at racial jokes? No. Hate to break it to ya, but they're not funny. Book series you enjoyed reading recently? I've been loving Wings of Fire by Tui T. Sutherland, even if I'm reading very slowly. My psychiatrist has given me a new way to approach my hobbies I have difficulty engaging in, so I'm hoping if I keep it up, my rate of reading will speed up! Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? Ahaha, yeah... "a," "s," and "d." A true gamer. How "w" is still alive, I couldn't tell ya. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Punch Straws, probably. The red ones, in specific. Last person you texted? My mom. What did you learn from your first job? That I can't work with people. Favorite website from your childhood? I was a Webkinz A D D I C T. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? Cranberry came to mind very quickly. Least favorite pattern? uhhhhhhh Favorite potato food? Either French fries or Lays wavy potato chips. PC or console gaming? I grew up as a console gamer, so I'm kinda biased. Writing or drawing? Don't make me choose!! I get more satisfaction out of drawing something I'm proud of, but I do way more writing. Who would you put before everyone else? My mom, probably. Lamps, overhead lights, fairy lights, or sunlight? Fairy lights are so cute. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? I shit you not, none. What is your third favourite colour? Hm. Maybe rose gold, or lilac. Can you remember your first phone? If so, what kind was it? I'm really not sure, but I WANT to say it was one of those slide-y, compact Blueberry ones? Who is your favourite character from Alice in Wonderland? The Cheshire Cat has always been very alluring to me. What is the last thing you looked up online? The definition to a word just to ensure I was using it correctly. Have you ever had your fortune read? No. I ain't wasting time or money on that shit. Can you read tarot cards? If you couldn't guess from above, I have zero faith in this kinda stuff, so I don't care to learn. Do you prefer lemons or limes? Lemons. I like lime flavoring in some stuff, though. Are your expecting anything in the mail? No. What would you like to see out of your window everyday instead of what you see now? The forest. Do you own a camera? I do, a Canon EOS Rebel T6. Have you ever written a special note in a book? Yes. Early into our relationship, Jason lent me a book to read, and I wrote a lil love letter in it for him. Do you have any artistic talents? I mean I like to think I'm a good writer and a decent artist. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT with Girt. It was fun because he's a horror pansy, haha. He did fine, though. What would you do if you found out you were pregnant? Freak the fuck out because I haven't had sex in many years, so that thing's coming the fuck out 'cuz it obviously ain't natural. Favorite thing to get at McDonalds? Look man, I'm shameless, I love me a Quarter Pounder w/ cheese. Plus some fries. :x Do you know anyone named Alex? I know multiple people named Alex, actually. Whose house did you last sleep over at? Sara's. In other words, it's been a loooong time.Would you ever record yourself having sex? God no. Like zero judgment to the people that do, but I get NOTHING out of watching others "do it." I've never actually tried watching porn, but I couldn't have less interest. I know I'd hate it, and a lot. Did the vacuum scare you as a child? I don't think it did, anyway. Have you or would you ever use a dating app? One of my most embarrassing secrets is that I was briefly on Christian Mingle. It makes me want to cringe into fucking oblivion. Who are you most nervous about introducing potential significant others to? My dad. He's... a character. What was the most important non-academic thing you learned in high school? That time fucking flies, so cherish every millisecond. Do you and your friends ever talk about your sex lives? Not really. Even when I was sexually active, I was private about that stuff. I don't care if others talk to me about theirs, but odds are I'm not saying much about myself. What were the best and worst interviews you’ve ever had? What made them so good/bad? I've never had a bad interview, but I mean, I've only had I wanna say four in my whole life. None were anything special either, though. Ever put someone else in the hospital? No. Have you ever sold anything on eBay? If so, what? No. What is the best surprise you have ever had? Finding a container of puppy chow underneath the Christmas tree one year. It was my parents' way of telling me we were getting a dog (which I had been nagging them about FOREVER), and next came Teddy. <3 I miss my boy. Is someone in love with you? I wouldn't know. Ever kiss someone on the first date? No. Ever sleep with someone on the first date? That's a hard no. Do you wear cologne/perfume/aftershave regularly? No. Do you snore? No, actually. Pretty astonishing for someone with such severe sleep apnea. When is the last time someone else slept in your bed? When Sara last visited. How often do you dust? Not... nearly enough as I'm supposed to. Mom gets on me about it all the time. What is the most ‘extreme’ activity you have ever done? Ha, nothing wild, I assure you. I guess riding a four-wheeler through the woods once with our former neighbors, who were good friends of ours.. Have you ever rode on a mobility scooter/wheelchair just for fun? Um, no? That's a jackass thing to do. Some people actually need those. Who’s the most controlling person you know? OH MY FUCKING GOD. OUR FAMILY FRIEND TOBEY. EASILY. She seizes control of EVERY situation, even if she has no right to be involved in it. Does anyone keep a photo of you in their purse/wallet, and if so, who? Not to my knowledge. Do you own a microphone? No. Do you enjoy trailers at the cinema? I do! I like arriving in time to see them. Have you ever been burgled? No, thankfully. Have you ever entered anything into Urban Dictionary? If so, what? No. What’s the last live performance you watched on TV? No idea. Have you ever been embarrassed to buy something from a shop? Not to my recollection. It helps that I'm not the one buying things, like ever. What’s the name of one of your friends’ dogs? Buster! :') He's a precious lil bean. Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. A GIANT CENTIPEDE. That's one pet in the invert community that I have ZERO interest in EVER owning. Those bitches are scary. Have you ever needed to wear a tie? If so, when/why? Nope.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''fuck u'' by archive

[lostborderline]

8/30/20

Honestly I’m trying so hard to better myself and my life. Despite having depression, anxiety, borderline, and bipolar, I have made quite a few accomplishments within the last four years of my life. My therapist was nearly crying while telling me that I am a completely different person than I was the first day I walked through their doors. She reminded me of all the progress I’ve made on myself and all the goals I’ve crushed. It was very satisfying to hear that from someone else. I went from living with my boyfriend’s parents just working at Dunkin’ pretty much with nothing outstanding to my name to this completely different person that has matured, has her own apartment, pays mad money in bills every month, going to college for psychology, finally got her driver’s license, has been promoted 3 times, has her own shop, and basically building her life herself with the help from nobody but herself. Enough about that. My term starts tomorrow, however, I can access the textbook a day early so I was taking notes for about an hour and half on the first chapter. The first chapter is about 40 pages so it will take me time throughout the week to complete. I decided that I want to further my education so I can become a psychiatrist. With that, will come about 12 years before I can actually start practicing. I am trying to find medical schools that I can complete online, but it’s hard. I feel if I look around and contact a few medical schools, they may allow me to attend online, because I have to work full time to support myself. 

My schedule changed this week, so now I have Monday off (tomorrow) unfortunately. I don’t even work midnight on Thursday which sucks ass. Hopefully it will be normal next week, I mean, she said it was going back to normal but who knows. I was so upset when I saw my schedule. Today I am trying to stay home completely and just practice self-care this whole day. By self-care I mean cleaning my place, taking a shower, skincare, aromatherapy, meditation, etc. Things that will clear my mind and be therapeutic to me. I am a person that is never able to relax. I don’t even know what relaxation is. I just stress all the time. 

Anyway, I am going to go lay down and watch some videos on Youtube before I get started on the cleaning. I feel that I cannot truly relax if my place is a mess. 

#borderline #borderline personality disorder #bpd #mental health #mental illness #therapy #update #journal #diary #journal entry #psychiatrist #psychologist #careers #dream career #dream job #college #university

[rewrite-the-wrongs]

introductions / howdy, pardner

My first short story was about a fishboy and his human best friend. They battled a mutant piranha (whose name I think may have been Mutant Piranha, such was the monumental daring of my creative endeavor) and his army, who were out to destroy a mountain that held a whole planet together. The boys won singlehandedly, because scale was apparently a bit of a mystery to me.

This was the second grade. My teacher--who held me every day as I cried for weeks, confused and miserable and stranded in the throes of my parents’ divorce--understood before I did that I create to a ploddingly slow and steady drumbeat. A sentence is always so much more in my head than I’m able to let out, at first; I have to pore over it again and again, fleshing and flourishing (and often correcting) it, the same way I often have to reread paragraphs or pages or whole books to truly capture their meaning. In a word processor, this back-and-forth is as easily said as it is done; on double-wide ruled paper with dashed-line handwriting guides, the task is magnitudes more time-consuming, especially for somebody as messy as I am. So, while nearly everybody else played at recess on the sandlot and the jungle gym around us, a select few stragglers laid our reading folders on our laps and finished our stories.

My villain, that dastardly Mutant Piranha, found himself in prison at the story’s close. Awaiting trial, I guess; I never ventured that far ahead, seeing the big fishy bastard for a coward. “When no one was looking, he stabbed himself.” That’s the last line, stuck in my memory, not for its own sake, but for my poor teacher’s horrified face as she read my final draft there on the playground.

A mom volunteered to type up the class’ stories and get them printed and bound. For years afterward I reread that collection, always proud to have written the second-longest piece therein. I felt the weight of the pages, inhaled the tiny but acrid breeze that came from rapidly leafing through them. Knew it was a whole smattering of worlds inside, that one of those worlds was wholly mine, and I had the power to show it to people however I wished. Yes, I thought, I want this.

*

I’ve been introduced to writing many times over, by many people. Don’t get me wrong--I nightowled the first several chapters to many half-baked novel concepts all through my youth. But teachers have a way of showing a thing to you from new angles.

The first person to impact me as such was a high school teacher who was essentially given carte-blanche to construct a creative writing workshop in the English curriculum. The first semester was structured--you practiced poems, short fiction, humor and essay writing, drama, the gamut. Every semester after, the carte-blanche was passed on: A single assignment due a week, each a single draft of a poem or a minimum of two pages’ worth of prose. Forty-five minutes a day to work, and of course free time at home. By the time I graduated, I’d finagled my schedule such that I was spending two periods a day in the computer lab, and several hours after school every day working the literary arts magazine before I went home to get the rest of my homework out of the way and write some more..

My next big influence came in the form of  a pair of writers who taught fiction at my university, a married couple. One had me print stories and literally, physically cut them up section-by-section as a method of reworking chronologies. Told me stories happened like engines or clocks or programs--pieces that meshed differently depending on how they were put together, rules that held each other in place. The other showed boundless confidence in me, listened happily to some older students who recommended I be brought on board for a national arts mag. They both encouraged me toward grad school, but toward the end of my junior year I began to stumble, and by senior year I was, to be frank, a drunken asshole. Time I could be bothered to set aside for writing began to dwindle. I limped through the editorship with the help of my extremely talented, utterly more-than-worthy successor--and come to think of it, I’ve never truly thanked her. Maybe I’ll send her that message, now that I’m feeling more myself.

*

On feeling more myself:

That drunken rage was brought on by a myriad list of factors, the primary ones being 1) I am the child of recovering alcoholics, and our inherited family trauma runs deep, 2) An assault that will likely be mentioned no further from hereon in, as I have reached a solid level of catharsis about it, 3) Some toxic-ass relationship issues, and 4) I was a massive egg and had no idea (or, really, I had some idea, just not the language or understanding or even the proper empathy to eloquently and effectively explore it).

I had a recent relapse with drinking, technically--a mimosa at Christmas breakfast at my partner’s parents’ home--but I’m not honestly sure I can call it a legitimate relapse. I’m not in any official self-help group, I’ve never engaged in the twelve steps or a professional rehabilitation. I had a very wonderful therapist for a few years but reached a point at which I could not pay her any longer and we parted ways--I miss her dearly, as she truly became my friend and confidante; she was the first person I came out to, and very well-equipped to handle it, lucky for me--but I’m still on behavioral medication. That tiny smidgen of alcohol pushed my antidepressants right out of my brain, and I became terribly anxious and angry and sad all at once, and briefly lashed out during a conversation with my partner behind closed doors. Not nearly the lashing out I’ve released in the now-distant past--more on that maybe-never, but who knows, as I am obviously a chronic over-sharer.

Frankly, I don’t deserve my partner. She endured my past abuses, told me to my face I had to be better, and found it in herself to wait for me to grow. She’s endlessly and tirelessly supportive of me. She sat with me to help me maintain the nerve to start this blog tonight. I came out to her as a trans woman just under a year ago, now, and I’m happier than ever, and we communicate better than ever. Our relationship is, bar-none, the healthiest and stablest and happiest I’ve ever been in.

So, naturally, I apologized fairly quickly at Christmas, and continuing where I’d left off at two and a half years, decided I’m still solid without booze.

If we’re all being honest, though (and I’m doing my best to be one hundred percent honest, here, though I will absolutely be censoring names because no shit), I still smoke way too much fuckin’ weed. High as balls, right now. 420 blaze it, all day erryday, bruh. That self-medicated ADHD life. I should be on Adderall and not antidepressants, probably, but it’s been a while since an appointment and psychiatrists are expensive, so I’m at where I’m at for now. Sativas help a lot. It helps with the dysphoria, too.

I don’t have a legal diagnosis for gender dysphoria, but tell that to my extreme urge to both be in and have a vagina. I’m making little changes--my hair, an outfit at a time, no longer policing how I walk or run or how much emphasis I put on S sounds. If I manage to come out to my parents sometime soon--and it feels like that moment is closer every day--maybe I’ll tell y’all my real, full chosen name. For right now, call me Easy.

*

Anyhow. My goals here are pretty simple:

1) Share words, both those by people I like/admire/sometimes know! and occasionally words I’ve made that I like. See the above screenshot from my notes app. Steal some words if you want, but if you manage to make money off some of mine, holler at ya gurl’s Venmo, yeah?

2) Discuss words, how they work, and how we create them, use them, engage with them, and ultimately make art of them. I am not a professional linguist, but I went to undergrad for creative writing, so, hey, I’ll have opinions and do my best to back them up with ideas from people smarter than I am.

3) Books! Read them, revisit them, quote them, talk about them, sometimes maybe even review them, if I’m feeling particularly bold. No writer can exist in a vacuum, and any writer who insists they don’t like to read is either a) dyslexic and prefers audiobooks or b) in serious need of switching to a communications major (no shade, but also definitely a little shade @corporate journalism).

5) I added this last, but I feel it’s less important than 4 and does not deserve bookend status, and I am verbose but incredibly lazy, so here I am, fucking with the system. Anyway: Art! Music! Video games! I fucking love them. I’ll talk about them, sometimes, too. Maybe I’ll finally do some of the ekphrastic work I’ve felt rattling around in my brain for a while now. Jade Cocoon 2′s Water Wormhole Forest, looking right the fuck at you.

6) Ah, shit, I did it again. Oh well. Last-but-not-last: This is obviously, in some ways, a diary, or a massive personal essay. I will sometimes discuss people, places, or experiences that have informed my work just the same as other people’s art has.

4) Be an unabashed and open Trans woman. TERFs, transphobes, ill-informed biological essentialists not permitted. Come at me and my girldick and prepare to be dunked on and subsequently shown the door via a swift and painful steel-toed kick in the ass. Everybody who doesn’t suck, if I screw up on any matter of socio-ethics or respect for diversity, please feel free to correct me.

*

Punk’s dead, but we’re a generation of motherfucking necromancers. Be gay, do crime, fight the patriarchy, and fart when you gotta. May the Great Old Ones select you to ascend to a higher plane and learn the terrible truths of existence.

Much love--

Easy

#writers #writing #creative writing #trans #trans woman #fuck TERFs #writing about writing #writer #my writing #diary

[fmddevin]

woosh !! so i was trying to keep my ooc identity a surprise until now, but apparently i was stupid and y’all found out before i could get this up so...yay!! anyways, i’ll try to keep this short and simple! i’m jada, and this is my second baby, and the last for a while - mr. daein “devin” kim! he’s 23, the lead vocal & lead dancer of impulse, and an overall mess. he’s got a lot to work out, but i’m excited to see what i can do with him and how he grows & develop! he’s a little more on the chaotic side than micha is, but don’t let it scare you off! i swear i’ve got a plot page coming really soon, like tomorrow, but in the meantime - here’s his profile & bio! i’m more than happy to plot with you, though, so like this for me to hop in your ims!! trivia & some hawaii event ideas / general plot ideas under the cut.~

ok let’s get this started!! i promise to try to make this short & sweet as possible (but you know i’m jada so-). but before i wrote daein’s profile i made like a....3 page bullet summary of what i wanted him to be, so i’m going to be inputting some of those here!! so if it sounds a bit rambly...you know why!

if you’re just here for the event thread ideas, scroll down towards the end, where hawaii event ideas is in bold! <3

born on march 24th, 1996!

parents koreans from seoul, korea. met through a study abroad program @ their college, fell in love with each other and the us! had baby daein, who got plopped in the middle of tampa, florida!

his whooooole childhood felt like he was living in isolation. being one f the only asian-american kids on the block, he definitely felt like an outsider. when he’d bring kimbap, kimchi, or tteokbokki for lunch, they’d always look at him all confused like?? what is that

it made him sad bc he always had felt like his different was a good thing, and he’d been raised to be proud of his culture, but apparently not??

as a sidenote kid misheard his name in middle school and was like “devin?” and he was like “sure that’s it” and started going by that outside of home ever since bc it made him feel more american 

just throughout his whole childhood he was ridiculed for being different, which was really the start of his obsession with other’s satisfaction and being like everyone else!

so he took matters into his own hands, but in the worst way possible. during this time, he went against everything his parents had taught him and essentially rejected his korean culture. he stopped bothering to learn the tidbits of korean they were trying to teach him, never brought up his culture, and kind of distanced himself from his parents. he always was trying to bring up some excuse for why they couldn’t come to events because he was always embarrassed about their english and how different they all looked compared to everybody else. just...not a good time and his parents were very upset w/him

anyways onto happy times!! middle school was when he discovered his passion for dance, hip hop in particular. he would always be so amazed by the dancers at the boardwalk performing and decided that’s what he wanted to do!!

sOooOo he originally started off as being self-taught through videos on youtube, but eventually his parents agreed to let him dance if he a.) promised it wouldn’t mess up his grades and b.) he paid for them his own

and he did!! it was Hard but he made sure his grades were in check & picked up a part-time job at the ice cream parlor near his house to get money. it was minimum wage and he had to wear a cheesy apron with this ice cream cone hat but anyways

he could only afford one lesson a week at the community dance center, but it taught him a lot!!! where he discovered his true passion for dance, and tbh spent more time there than anywhere else

eventually!! he joined a florida dance crew and that’s when his skills really blossomed and people started taking him seriously, basically was there until the beginning of high school

tw: drug and alcohol addiction!

and then high school is when it...all came crashing down. being such a people pleaser, he fell victim to peer pressure. he was scared of being looked down again, because by now he’d formed a name for himself and was pretty popular. so, to continue blending in, started getting heavily into drinking and drugs and just...not good, because he grew really dependent on it and started losing his enthusiasm for everything else. it’s something he continues to struggle with a lot, although it’s mostly drinking nowadays and the only drug he’s involved with on a regular basis is weed?? but he has relapsed and that’s a major reason he needs people around him to keep him stable!!

also the dance team wouldn’t let him back in bc he failed the drug test and his drug spiral just got worse because he had nothing else to focus his energy on.

it was the only thing that really made him feel something other than dance, and now that he was spending all of his money on it he couldn’t even do that.

tw: drug and alcohol addiction - end!

he partially discovered his love for singing after the months he had to go w/o dancing. he really started to enjoy it but only in private because he was Embarrased of what others would think so

his parents were tired of his bs because he was a junior now and they were basically like we’re tired of the people we hang around and you need to be around family, so for spring break they sent him to seoul!!

boy was hEated alr. like i said, wasn’t a fan of his culture, he had to leave his friends who were all going on fun trips, & he knew NOTHING - not the language, the people, anything.

but when he got there??? kind of actually enjoyed it. he got to meet family he’d never met before, picked up a little of the language, all of that. but hongdae??? - that’s what made him really excited.

he never thought of korea to be a very exciting place, until he went there. there were so many other talented dancers and he felt so at home, but unlike in florida, they looked like him!

so this is where it gets a little funny lmao. his family refused to fund his habits but he wanted to go to a club while he was there to have fun and impress girl??? so basically, he went to hongdae, and tried  busking for some extra cash. and he LOVED IT!! for a reference he freestyled to turn up the music by chris brown lol

and it was real fun!! he genuinely had a really good time - but right before he left some random ass man left him a little slip, and he was like ??? and then he asked him his name, and daein barely understood what he said and in english was like “hey i’m devin??” and when the man realized he was like yes!! and daein was like no??? but took the slip anyways and turns out it was an invitation to a gold star audition!!

the second daein read it said kpop he essentially was like “lmao no” and just threw it in his bag. so he went home, and kind of forgot about it all, until a few months after he got home. things weren’t really looking up for him and he really wanted to continue his dance career, he just didn’t know how. he didn’t get accepted to the college he wanted to because of that time his grades had plummeted, and it was hard to land a stable dance job. & his parents were like look if you don’t make this dance thing happen we’re going to throw you into a business job with a suit and tie u need money

and daein!! hates!! corporate!! so he was like hell no and decided to give this idol thing one last chance

so - he submitted a video audition to gold star, and low and behold!! he made it!!

even though this was his saving grace, he really didn’t know what to do about it. because i mean he loved tampa, and he didn’t want to leave?? but when his parents heard the opportunity they were ELATED because they knew dance was the only thing that really put his focus on good things & they wanted him to be in korea with his family and all that. so!! they were like DO IT. and he really had no other choice so he was like uhhhh i guess

flash forward to the end of may!! right after the end of his junior year of school in tampa, he moved to korea to start training. since he had a pretty good experience during spring break of the year before, he expected his life to be better than he’d expected!! but...it was really hard. since he had to live there, and he was only 16, he felt really lost w/o his parents, and his only real family there were his grandparents and cousins he barely every said hi to so that sucked

tw: depression and light substance abuse!

around this time was when he developed signs of depression, just as he started training. because it was when he really discovered that he couldn’t please everybody, something that he’d strived to do his whole life. 

he lacked a support system & didn’t have anyone really close to him to make the transition better, since his parents were back in florida and he could barely hold a conversation with his family in korea. this is a big reason he remained dependent on drinking especially, because it got him out of his funk and to temporarily forget about all that was going on.

because of it, daein started getting less sleep, eating less, and all that. gold star noticed it really soon and got him in touch with a psychiatrist, which, eventually diagnosed him with depression. but it’s not something he goes around telling everyone, he has some evident signs but he probably wouldn’t openly tell more than a couple really close & trusted friends. but gold star has been monitoring his mental health to make sure he’s okay mentally. he takes medication but?? it doesn’t do him much good but they’re always hounding him about it so 

like i said though, he’s a very independent person so he doesn’t like to feel like he’s a burden, which is why he doesn’t want others to know because he feels like they’re gonna pity him!!

tw: depression and light substance abuse! - end

bc of his more tan skin (back in the day from florida, not really anymore) and broken korean, he felt like a foreigner, but also people would mistake him for having korean nationality whenever they would talk to him. so he felt like he couldn’t really fit either mold, because he was out of place in korea and florida. but!! i digress

he felt like he was kind of thrust into who’s next: origin story because by the time it started he had only been a trainee for...4 months?? like it’s crazy & he clearly wasn’t ready, a major reason for him being on the losing end, but he had the loveable foreigner thing going on so he did get a good fanbase!! even though he was criticized for his short training period

i doubt he was a favorite among the trainees because he’s REEEEEALLY introverted,,, especially in social situations where he’s not the most comfortable with people in so i don’t think he was super talkative.

 a big reason he has trouble on variety shows now!! it’s not that he doesn’t like but they’ve kind of turned it into a “mysterious” thing, which is fine to him if it mean he doesn’t have to talk as much

also he hated it because he constantly had to dodge staff & other trainees whenever he wanted to drink or smoke so he was probably always trying to find a way to sneak out when they had any kind of free time

he got a lotlotlot better at singing during training though, though they’re kind of forcing an unnatural tone for his voice which is making him strain and can’t be good for him in the long run but marketing!! so. anyways he loves singing a lot more than he did before, he’d always expected to be just a dancer but they unleashed his potential so!! that’s one thing he really enjoyed about training

basically he’s been marketed as the “sexy foreigner” and he kinda hates it ngl. because while he never was attached to his korean identity, the more he’s been here the more he’s just wanted to be the same as everybody else?? so that’s not helping with anything. he’s always kind of laughed at for being clueless when a joke flies over his head, made to say things in english ALL THE TIME, just all that. it really gets on his nerves bc nowadays he just wants to blend in and they’re not making it any better!!!

it may sound confusing but basically: as a teen he rejected his korean identity to blend in with everyone in florida, now he’s in korea and wants to be known as less of an american to blend it. it all comes down to him wanting to be like everyone else is nearly every aspect!! 

since he feels like he cheated & got to debut way too easy than some others, he’s been trying to develop his creative and performance skills so he can get more credit and make a name for himself due to his actual abilities rather than just,, him being american lmao!! also trying super super hard to get as good as he can at korean

tw: drug and alcohol addiction!

he still has some trouble getting around & he still feels lost, but he’s trying his best. struggling through his alcohol addiction, which bc is mildly aware about but really trying to keep quiet and he’s been on the verge of leaving more than a few times. but as quiet as he is about it, he really relies on his members a lot to keep himself afloat!! so he appreciates them putting through his shit a lot of the time more than he'll admit.

 tw: drug and alcohol addiction! - end

but rn he’s getting better, slightly, focusing more of his energy into music than anything. he really wants to get into the songwriting industry to get a name for himself on his own instead of just being known for impulse!!

just  as a fyi since it’s a bit confusing his birth name is daein, he went by devin when he lived in america, but he goes by daein again now that he’s in korea, but his stage name is still devin and that’s what his friends from america call him. he prefers to be called daein nowadays, though, so that’s probably the safest best!

also this has not been short at all but anyways

hawaii plots!

he likes to drink & get high way too much and what better place than to do that then on vacation?? he’s been trying to stop, but look, it’s vacation and he’s unwinding and if your muse is down they can both have fun!!

such. an. introvert. even more than micha, because 80% of his interactions by choice come from his group?? but i would love to get him some new friends (especially since he literally has none right now lol)

he’s a bit of a hoe ngl so!! hookups are accepted, that’s the one time he’s not afraid of striking up conversation!!

he’s in the red team so like micha, if you’re members in the red team he could use some buddies to be with!!

someone to explore the island with during the night!

general plots!

he lives in an apartment my himself atm, but a roommate would be lovely!! he needs someone to put him out of his funk, anyways. 

drinking buddies ofc

trainee friends? someone who wasn’t put off by him being super quiet and befriended it and he’s super grateful nowadays? 

give me all the angst & romance because he’s a handful, seriously, phew

besties!! someone that makes him soft and happy bc there are few people who make him super happy & excited, so someone fill in the gap!

#omg i queuef this for 6 aM whY #i was like...i guess nobody sees it?? #ugh i'm real stupid #( & ooc. ) #drugs tw #alocohol tw #depression tw #< - both are labeled within the post if you wanna skip past their mentions! #pls don't let him flop #i'll rb this tomorrow since this is a really weird time to post! #this is so embarrassing omg

[nsu-mosaic]

"Silver Cross" by Nathan Mylie Mosaic 2021 Albert Davis Fiction Award First Place Winner

In the cacophony of the bustling road, Bailey Hess’s boots splashed on the damp street. Through his foggy, brown-rimmed glasses, he was able to see the purple neon sign that read, “l'Équinoxe: World of Voodoo.” He emptied a Klonopin into his hand and dry swallowed it. He fidgeted with the silver cross in his ear before summoning the nerve to go inside. His phone vibrated in his pocket, but he left it unanswered.

The store’s door was wide open for any pilgrim or pariah to enter as they pleased. The store’s interior was small. Most of the shelves were filled with incense, books on spirituality and the occult, and some tacky t-shirts with colorful voodoo dolls. The most striking feature was a large altar near the checkout. It had statues, pictures, and iconography of traditional Catholic figures such as Jesus, Mary, and other saints as well as other figures recognizable only to a person privy to Voodoo. There were also offerings of all sorts including cash, candles, and bottles of liquor.

Bailey walked to the cashier, hoping they’d know something. There was a taxidermied raven with ruby- studded eyes at the register. The cashier had dark skin, buzz cut hair, and a neat lip piercing. He wore a black tank top with a flannel shirt wrapped around his waist. He wore blue headphones. His eyes were closed as he jammed out to whatever tunes he was listening to. Bailey stood there a few seconds before the cashier seemed to notice him and took off his headphones.

“Welcome, how can I help you?” The cashier looked at Bailey, but Bailey avoided eye contact. “We have mini voodoo dolls, only two dollars each.” The cashier gestured to a basket of small woven dolls attached to a key chain.

“I’m not a tourist.” Bailey said, “Does Saint still work here?”

“Who’s asking?”

“My sister was a customer of his.”

The cashier sighed. “Whatever he sells during his off hours ain’t none of my business.”

“It’s not like that. I’m worried about my sister.” He fumbled through his pocket and pulled out a photograph. “Have you seen her around here?”

The cashier looked at the girl in the photograph and then looked back at Bailey who looked nothing like her. “Your sister?”

“My foster-sister. What does it matter?” Bailey raised his voice a little without thinking. He was being snappy. Bailey lowered his head. Arthur Hess had never liked it when the kids were loud. He had liked it even less when they messed up the house. Any time something had broken or gone missing, Olivia was the scapegoat. She had always gotten the worst of it. Bailey was the younger of them. “She hasn’t been answering my calls.” Bailey’s voice quivered like static and he choked down his tears. “I’m worried about her.”

“She used to come in a lot. But it’s been a while. Maybe a month or two.”

Bailey twirled the cross earring. “How did she look the last time you saw her?”

He shook his head, “I don’t think she knew where she was. Girl was out of it.” There was an uncomfortable stretch of silence. The tension sucked the sound out of the store. “Saint should be at a meeting. He goes to the center next to the Gates of Heaven Church around this time.”

“Thanks, I know the one.” Bailey said, en route to leave.

“Hey, hold up.” The cashier waited for Bailey to turn around. “If you want to, you can put your sister’s picture on the altar. The loa may help her find her way, wherever she is.”

Bailey gazed at the grand altar and noticed that, among the sacred icons, were pictures of people in need of prayer. Were they still alive? Bailey saw a skeletal statuette whose eyes were blank, desolate sockets. Bailey’s stomach turned. “I should really hold on to her picture.” Bailey thanked the cashier and went back to the street.

The Gates of Heaven Church wasn’t a far walk. It was an unassuming building that looked more like a beige house than a place of worship. The great gold cross installed on the roof and the sign on the lawn alone gave away the church. There was a matching building used for social gatherings next door.

Before entering the center, Bailey spotted the huge shadow of an angel on the church’s walls. Olivia had dressed as an angel the first Halloween they spent in their apartment together. Bailey had been a stupid skeleton. There was a guy Bailey thought was staring at her all night. Olivia knew he was staring at Bailey. She was a hell of a wingman. He shook his head.The shadow was no angel, though. It was nothing more than a projection of the statue in the church garden.

Bailey waited in the community center’s hallway. People were talking in one of the rooms. He stood there alone with his thoughts and twirled his earring while waiting for them to finish.

Bailey had liked the Hess house, or at least it wasn’t the worst foster home. Arthur was always strict, and he yelled. But his foster-mom, Leslie, was nice. They were overall tolerable. Bailey was fourteen and had been there a few years when he met Olivia. He told himself not to get attached, but he did anyway. Two years later, the Hesses decided to officially adopt him. Olivia on the other hand had turned eighteen and decided it was time to head out.

The door slid open and Bailey felt the cool breeze of the air-conditioned room. Group members filed out, some exchanging in pleasantries, some with their heads down. Saint was one of those sunken heads. Bailey hardly recognized him clean-shaven. Last time Bailey saw him, Saint was underweight and wearing tattered green pants, the only pair he owned. Now Saint’s clothes were not only new, but clean for once. He was wearing a purple t-shirt and jeans. Bailey stepped in front of him, blocking his path.

“Sup, Lil’ Lee?” Saint’s charismatic grin was still the same. “You come for the meeting?”

“No,” said Bailey, “I wanted to know if you’ve run into Olivia lately.”

“Not since I got clean.”

“You’re sober?”

“Yeah, got my six-month chip.” Saint showed off the dark blue token. “Liv took my ass to a meeting after she bailed me out. Everything alright?”

“I was hoping you knew.” Bailey closed his eyes and exhaled, just like Dr. Andrews told him to. “Was she selling again?”

“Not that I know of.” Saint eyed Bailey. “You tripping right now?”

“It’s nothing,” said Bailey. He realized he was wobbling a bit. “Just something to help me sleep.”

Saint squinted at him without answering.

“It’s from my psychiatrist, okay! Did she relapse?”

“Couldn’t tell ya.” Saint sighed, “She been gone that long?” Why did he say it like that?

“She’s just getting some money together.” Bailey explained. His knuckles grew white and he clenched his teeth. The Hesses’ porch flashed in his mind. Arthur’s yelling had been getting loud enough for the whole parish to hear. Olivia had slammed the door as she walked, tired of the lecture. She had sat next to him and saw he was panicking. She’d told him to focus on something else. She said that when she was tense, she’d play with her earrings. It was she who had suggested he get his ears pierced. The memory allowed him to relax enough to think. Bailey asked Saint, “Could she be streetwalking again with the girls?”

Saint grimaced. “It’d be possible. But Lee, your big sis never ran in the safest circles.” He coughed. “If she been away, there might be a reason.”

Bailey didn’t want to think about it. “Whatever.” Bailey turned around but felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t ‘whatever’ me,” Saint said. “You ever heard the phrase, ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’?”

“Doesn’t it mean that a good intent is meaningless if you don’t follow through?”

“Can also mean that some actions got unintended consequences,” said Saint. “You don’t seem right.”

“I’m fine,” Bailey’s boots echoed down the hall. He didn’t listen to hear if Saint said anything else.

Bailey left the church and trekked down the moonlit street. He passed by Cengrove Apartments. It had been his and Olivia’s first choice, but the rent was too steep. They had to settle for a place more downtown, but even that wasn’t perfect. Three years in and they couldn’t afford rent anymore. Olivia said she’d go scrounge up some money. No more than two months, as always. Bailey’s job waiting tables wasn't paying the bills and Olivia never kept a job for long. When he asked how she’d get the money, she told him not to worry. She would take care of him. He never knew how he’d pay rent until she got back. At one point she suggested calling Arthur for money. He didn’t like the idea; he didn't like any idea of hers that night. He didn’t want her selling anything. Bailey had tried dissuading her one last time. She had simply taken her birth mother’s silver cross out of her ear and had given it to him for safe keeping. She had left and Bailey wishes she hadn’t.

He knocked on the splintering door of a house that was once violet.

“Lee, what you here for?” Jade stood at the door. She was wearing an airbrush crop top that said Princess.

“Bailey!” Selena ran up and hugged him. She smelled like lavender. It matched her hair. “How you been?”

Bailey didn’t reciprocate the embrace and waited to be let go. “Has Olivia been here lately?”

“Babes ain’t been around in a while.”

Bailey asked, “Was she working the streets with you?”

Jade gave Bailey a familiar look. It was the side-eye she’d give every time he tagged along with Olivia and her group to the pier. Jade would always be the one with pot who refused to share with Bailey. Jade stood there a moment and sighed. “You should go home, kid. You look like shit. We’ll tell ya if we hear anything.”

“I can’t.” Bailey heard his voice crack and took a moment to clear his throat. “Olivia needs my help. She’s gone and no one gives a crap about her. Not her friends, not the police.”

“Why you going to the police?”

“Jadie, calm down.” Selena said.

“You think they care about her?”

Bailey didn’t need to be reminded of his mistake. He knew it was a foolish idea after talking to the officers at the station. They had just groaned when he asked to file a missing person’s report. “I thought they could help.”

“The cops don’t give a shit ’bout some crackwhore who’s missing.” Jade’s voice carried across the street like a siren. “She ain’t shit to them. She just some problem they don’t wanna deal with.”

Bailey couldn’t respond. It felt like someone had him by the throat

“He didn’t mean anything by it. He was only looking for Olivia,” Selena said.

“Well he should check some back alley! Best case, she OD-ed on speed and ain’t trapped in some creep’s basement.” Jade choked on the last word and lowered her head. Her body was quaking. Tears stained her face. It was unnerving to see her this way. Bailey had never seen her like this. “For them it’s all the same. Just taking out the damn trash.”

Selena wrapped her arms around Jade. “She doesn’t mean it, hun. Jade’s worried about your sis. We all are.”

He was not the only one who missed her. He tried to force out an apology, but he didn’t know what to say. He looked around at their space. Their couch was held together by duct tape. There wasn’t much other furniture. The bed was across the room, it didn’t even have a frame. Bailey recognized Selena’s teddy bear laying on it. The ceiling fan wasn’t moving. The lights were off.

“Please go home, kid.” Jade lifted her head from Selena’s shoulders. “Don’t go down with her.”

There had been one night at the pier, where Saint offered Bailey some pills. Jade had stopped him before he could take any. She had punched Saint so hard his nose bled like a busted pipe. Jade had screamed at Bailey for an hour. On the ride home, Selena had told him that Jade was only looking out for him. He hadn’t believed her then.

Bailey left. He walked down the same crowded street aimlessly. Maybe Jade was right, he should probably go home. He kicked up a puddle as he walked. Who knew Olivia might find him. She’d have her six-month chip, like Saint, with a whole stack of cash. They could get a nicer apartment and invite Jade and Selena to stay over. That’d be nice. Bailey’s phone vibrated in his pocket.He ignored it.

He passed by l'Équinoxe. The purple neon sign still managed to catch his eye. Bailey didn’t notice he was fidgeting with the back of the silver cross, his fingernail latched onto the back of his earring. He didn’t notice the man in front of him until their shoulders met. Bailey became dazed. His vision spotted black for a second. The surprise had made Bailey’s hand jerk forward. He looked at it. He noticed a sharp pain coming from his ear. He brought his hand back to it. His fingers rubbed against his earlobe. A cold rush of blood shot through his veins. He didn’t feel the silver cross. When? He imagined the sharp clink the cross would have made as it hit the ground. He immediately turned around. His eyes darted around the dark pavement, looking around for anything remotely shiny. Bailey spotted green shards of a broken bottle, a few cigarette butts, a Lay’s potato chip bag covered in dirt.

He spiraled around, desperately searching. He saw the moving feet of the crowd. Could some pedestrian have stepped on it? The crowd was moving so fast. Where is it? Breaching the flow, Bailey threw himself on the ground and his hands scrambled across the night street. “No, no, my earring. Does anyone see my earring?” He couldn’t see it. Where was Olivia’s earring? Where? It must be somewhere. It couldn’t have disappeared. “Fuck!”

The crowd parted around Bailey. Perhaps, they didn’t hear what he was screaming about or why he was in distress. They kept walking. Eventually, on his knees in the middle of the sidewalk, Bailey began to cry. He was curled into a ball, his face nestled into his hands. Someone walked over to him and patted him on the shoulder.

Bailey looked up to see the cashier. He felt the man’s arms under his shoulder as Bailey was hoisted to his feet.

“Come inside.” The cashier unlocked the doors to the store and led Bailey inside. “Are you okay?”

Bailey’s breaths were stagnant. His muscles tightened as though restricted by chains. The world seemed to crumble around him like heaven was splitting open. He felt like he was about to stumble to the ground.

“Hey, buddy, take a deep breath. In and out.” The cashier demonstrated repeatedly.

Bailey mimicked in and out. After a few minutes passed, his breathing regained its rhythm.

“Now remember a time you were at peace.”

Bailey did as he said. He thought of the waves along the lake. It had been in the middle of the night. Olivia had taken a bottle of gin from Arthur’s cabinet. They had been laughing, they had been calm, they had been happy. Without thought, Bailey hugged the cashier and started weeping on his shoulder. Bailey needed something to hold on to, to ground him. He could feel the exposed skin touch his face, and it was comforting. After an eternity passed, the world stood still, and Bailey released the man. “I don’t know what to do. My sister’s cross is gone.”

“It’s okay, buddy, you’ll find it.”

“What if I never do?” Bailey’s eyes felt heavy. Was it the crying or was he tired?

“Things don’t just disappear.”

“Two months, that was always the rule. When she got out the house, she told me that she would never be gone more than two months. And she never was.” Bailey inhaled through wet nostrils, making a shrill sound. “It’s past two months, where is she?”

“Maybe she’s running late.”

“It’s been 98 days, and no one knows where she is, maybe not even her.” Bailey’s phone started vibrating loudly. Bailey growled and picked the phone out his pocket. “What?” He answered. “Yes, Arthur, I’m fine…Yeah, I thought about what you said… No, I didn’t find a new roommate. I’ll start looking…I appreciate you loaning me the money…” Then Bailey heard Arthur mention her. Bailey tried listening patiently for a few minutes. His hand gripped the phone, and he gritted his teeth. Finally, Bailey yelled, “Can you lay off her for just one second!” Bailey was shocked to hear Arthur apologize. Bailey sniffled, “I’m worried about Liv too…It’s not anyone’s fault…I’ll tell you if I hear anything…Thanks, dad.” Bailey hung up the phone and wiped his eyes with his arm. He looked at the cashier “I’m sorry, you’re a total stranger, and I’m crying like a madman.”

“It’s okay,” The cashier laughed. “I can tell you’ve had a rough night.” The cashier flashed a friendly smile. “My name is Jean, Jean St. Pierre.”

“Bailey Hess.”

“Do you want to get a drink?” Jean placed his hand on Bailey’s shoulder. “You look like you need a friend.”

He wasn’t happy, but he was touched by the invitation. “Maybe, just some water.”

Jean was about to lock up l'Équinoxe.

“Wait, can I step inside for a second?”

Jean nodded and opened the door.

Bailey walked in. He stepped toward the altar. All the candles had been put out. It looked prettier in the dark. He reached in his pocket. He unfolded the piece of paper and gave it a pained smile. Next to a bouquet of white flowers, he placed Olivia’s photo. Bailey looked at the skeleton with the kind black eyes. “Help her find the way. Wherever she is.”

#mosaic #artwork #fiction #literary magazine #literature #nicholls state university

[inspirationallyinsane]

December 11 2020

Hi Tumblr :) it has been such a long time since I have written anything. I would like to say it is because my life has been crazy or busy or even interesting. But that is not the case. I think that I haven't written simply because I haven't felt like myself in a long time. It's funny, I still call myself a writer. Like if someone were to ask me who I am or what my interests are; I would always say I'm a writer. I consider it a core part of my identity and yet I can't seem to do it. Sad, isn't it? Anyway. The last time I wrote I think I was going to Key? Right? From Chase? Over a year ago now? Haha. Yikes. I won't write too much about Key Bank but I will say that it broke my soul a little bit working there. It was an odd place. A group of fully grown adult women, acting like high school children. And I would talk to the people around me about it and unanimously the response was more or less shock at the things that were happening there. I don't know. I cried a lot during that time. I remember my depression and anxiety from HS and it doesn't even compare to how it was at Key. I had never wanted to be less alive than when I was working at Key. I am young, but I can say confidently, I will never have a worse job. Ever. Which is comforting in a way. If I can get through that BS I can probably get through anything. Lol. But! Out of all bad things comes good, right? I don't believe that necessarily, but in this case it is true. As always, my disdain for my workplace inspired me to get something better. I decided that I didn't want to fuck around with banks anymore and that I was ready to start my career as an actual financial advisor. So I applied to three different firms and, no surprise (not really, it's a huge surprise, I'm in no way qualified to be an FA right now), I landed a job at one of them. So I was hired to be a financial advisor at AIG retirement services, and I began studying for my tests. I worked at Key for about 3 months after I was officially offered the position at AIG. I was studying for the first test I would need to take, the SIE. I ended up quitting (sort of) in August. Key found out about the AIG thing and they weren't happy to say the least. But. What do they expect? I told the district manager directly that I was being bullied at my branch and I had other people confirming that fact. Not to mention that when I was hired they knew my ambitions, I told them, I wasn't trying to hide anything and I didn't spring anything on them like oh no way? I wanted to be an FA in a year. I was told that would happen when I was hired. 5 months in I was told that it would take 3-5 years to even get an assistant position. I'm not doing it. And obviously I am a very talented individual. I have had enormous success in my career in 3 short years. You can't hire someone like that and expect them to sit in a boring ass banker job for 3 years. It's not who I am. Hire someone else. Um. But, the AIG job is in Eugene. So I had to move! It actually all worked out really nicely though because the fires in Medford left my brother without an apartment right around the time I was looking for something in Eugene. We were able to get him into my and Trent's old apartment within about a month, and I found the cutest little place in Eugene. I love my apartment. It is technically a one bedroom but I turned it into a sort of studio with an office. I figure I'm not going to be having people over all that often, so a living room or entertaining area isn't important to me. I love my office space, it is so perfect, especially since AIG is work from home until who knows when. It is considerably smaller than my apartment in Medford was though. But! I have been saying for so long that I wanted to get rid of stuff, cleanse my life. I ended up getting rid of a lot more than I actually needed to. And so my place is a little empty, maybe? Not terribly empty but there's just a bit more that I could have. I don't want to buy more things though. Everything I have is because I truly want it. And that's a cool feeling. Really knowing everything you own. I think people often have things that they don't even realize they have. They don't know their own possessions. I know for sure I didn't. Before I went through my things, I thought I knew, but there was so much stuff that I had no idea about. Craziness. There is too much stuff in this world. Anyway. I'm all set up in my new place, the only super sad thing is being so far away from my family. Trent decided that he couldn't come with me. He is doing so well at his job and I'm really proud of him but it is hard to be without him so much. This is the longest relationship I've ever had by far. And there have been ups and downs, but at the end of the day I don't want to be without him. He was here all week and he's actually asleep in my bedroom right now as I write in my office. It's kinda a nice domestic little picture. I miss him constantly when he isn't here. We talk on the phone though and we have our games we play together. Recently he got me into WOW. I had a lot of fun leveling but since reaching 50 I haven't played much. We gotta get back to it. Essentially though things are going well with Trent and as of now I see us being together for a very long time. I will say that I haven't always been so confident in our relationship but somehow I think we have actually gotten stronger. The moving stuff was stressful. I'm glad we got through it. And of course I miss my mom and my dad. It's hard. I enjoyed our weekly lunches and I liked going over for dinner every once in a while. I still talk to my mom on the phone, my dad too but just less often. It's not the same though. Fortunately because of the holidays I have been able to go down to Medford at least once a month for the last few months, and I'll be going for Christmas too. I'm hyped about the gift Kodiak and I got for my parents. I think they're gonna love it. Definitely unique. It's hard to be alone. I feel kinda bad because I know Jonno is here and I should text him and hang out with him and it's not even that I don't want to but I have been struggling a lot emotionally since being here. My anxiety has been unbearable. It's an all day every day sort of affliction. I have never had such intense and frequent panic attacks. I actually ended up seeing a psychiatrist and getting a prescription for anti anxiety meds. I haven't taken them and I'm starting to do better. It helps when Trent is here. I've been trying to help myself. I'm trying to go on daily walks to the park next to my house, I'm trying to eat better, although most days I've had a hard time eating at all. I'm trying to get out and put myself in situations where I will see other people or be preoccupied. I'm finally feeling maybe up to starting a stream. I think that will be good for me. Anyway. That's all to say, I've just kinda been suffering since moving here. I don't want to say that it was a bad decision coming here, or accepting the job with AIG because being at Key was worse, just differently. Intense anxiety vs deep depression? I'll take the anxiety apparently, because I've dealt with anxiety so much that even though when I have panic attacks the physical symptoms suck ass, I know exactly what it is and exactly how to get through it. Being suicidal? That one is harder to know how to fix. Haha. Anyway. Back on track. I haven't been able to finish my testing for my FA position yet. Um and I have essentially been out of work for 6 months. So. I was definitely ready to go back. I ended up getting a job at Starbucks a little bit ago. It was fun. My manager was very nice to me. I learned a lot about coffee. I had no idea it was such a complicated subject. My manager's whole life was Starbucks. He had worked there for over 20 years. He knew everything there was to know about coffee and about Starbucks. It's very cool but at the same time I kinda wonder how a person is satisfied just being a SB manager for their whole life. Like, at the end of that day, are you satisfied with your accomplishments? I hope he is. I could never be, but I think that might be a flaw. I ended up having to quit after only two weeks though because I had a phone call with one of my partners (?) at AIG and we decided that I could start as a part time advisor assistant until I finish my testing. My 7 is scheduled to be soonTM so. It wouldn't be too long but it'll be a nice introduction to the company, and allow me to start working with some of the other FAs before becoming one of them. I start that position on Monday. Um. I'm actually really excited. They offered me more money than I thought I would get. And the hours are fantastic, and it is work from home. I mean. Could there be a better position? I don't think so. So far everyone from AIG has been just so awesome and accommodating. I have had some administrative issues, like with my U4 and testing and start dates, but ultimately I think it is going to be great working there. Hm. What else? I've been playing a lot of league. LOL is my favorite game ever. I love it so much. I love watching it and playing it and even thinking about it gives me joy. I have gotten a lot better since Trent and I started dating. I think it's because I am with him that I wanted to be better. Back when I started playing and it was me and AG I never felt much motivation to focus on the intricacies of the game, or even learn different champions or positions because the person I was playing with was... not really better than me? It's hard because he was at first but I didn't have to play the game right to be better than him. But! I always saw Trent as this like, pro LOL player ya know? I thought he was just so good and I always felt kinda bad playing with him cuz we would drag him down in the games. So when we started dating I was like, I want to be as good as he is. I want to get to his level so we can play together and it won't be uneven. I mean. Y'all know how competitive I am. I think now I can confidently say that I am. Not at all the champions but I am confident in my gameplay, particularly as ADC. I've played a lot. But it feels good. Oh! I've also gotten into playing words with friends with my grandma. Nams is so awesome. I love being able to play her favorite game with her and chat with her every day. It had been soooo long since we talked and so when she called me a week or so ago I mentioned that WWF might be fun for us to play together and keep us connected more. And it definitely has. Such a beautiful thing. That has been helping with my anxiety too. She makes me smile. Anyway. I guess that is all for now. Hopefully I will start writing more but no promises. Just honestly it’s probably not going to happen. I think about writing a lot. Maybe I just need to sit down and do it when I think about it. Maybe that’s what being a writer is. Who knows? I hope all my readers are doing well. If there are any of you left out there :)

[cult-of-kai]

The Face of True Love

Thoughts on episode 6, ‘Midwestern Assassin’:

The controversial opening scene- the mass shooting- is good. We’re thrown immediately into action but frantic to figure out what’s going on because the two known cult members we see- Ivy and Harrison- seem frightened themselves. And then we time-jump back and spend the rest of the episode finding out how the characters involved got there.

Vin’s call to Ally is subtle but so effective. He sounds *reasonable*, grounded in reality, rightly doubtful of there being a murderous clown cult. He thinks of how the lawyers might use Ally’s (correct!) suspicions against her. He says what sane people should say, so his manipulation really is the flipside to Kai’s. Of course he can’t force Meadow to stay. Do they know each other, Vin and Meadow? It doesn’t seem like it. I remain intensely curious about the true level of his cult involvement. I think a twist is coming, but what?

Ally still spends some time flopping around like an overly-dramatic fish, but I sense that her strength is a gathering storm. She *knows* now that she’s not crazy and that everyone really is out to get her. She doesn’t have to doubt herself anymore. Her “fuck you” to Dr. Vincent, an evil psychiatrist who wants to commit her against her will? Lana vs. Thredson tease. And Ally is Oz’s birth mother! I didn’t expect that. He looks so much like Ivy that I thought she had to be.

Speaking of- I think Ivy may well be the most unpopular character so far this season, but I still rather like her. She’s really such a conflicted and human villain, and Alison Pill is doing so well. Ivy’s participation in the cult begins as blackmail, but Kai manages to find something he thinks he can give her. Nonetheless, her commitment to the whole enterprise seems shaky as hell. And while Ivy is a very extreme example, her story reflects an unfortunate truth- non-biological parents *are* sometimes considered less than biological parents. Please recall, however, that Oz can’t even tell Winter who his birth mother is. So how much can Ally have really treated Ivy as the secondary and inferior mother? Ivy has spun her understandable pain and frustration into bitter resentment for over 10 years. Her clown costume is pretty badass, though. That blued-out sequence of her coming down the hall in Sally’s house is gorgeous and scary and fraught. The sound is used very effectively as well.

Mare Winningham got two scenes and she was batshit amazing. I don’t know exactly where her character would have gone, but she is the one I would have loved to see stick around for a while. There is so, so much packed into her dialogue. Her final line to Kai at the zoning board debate is electric. “You can thank me for this one day. A young man’s certainty is also his burden. I’m going to relieve you of both.” What an elegant threat! Also, Sally smoking weed? Alicia Spencer tease. Sally spitting at Kai’s mask and him hitting her in the face with a dick nose was… symbolic. Evan’s line-readings while typing out Sally’s “suicide note” were amusing and cruel. That whole scene turned out to be wildly different than I was expecting based on the trailer cap. RIP, Sally Keffler. It was short but sweet.

Meadow is- to the very last- a favorite. And Kai/Meadow was unexpected but absolutely one of the best things this season has given us so far. It’s also terribly sad. I knew she was still culted up the whole time because the situation was so suspicious. She’s in a hole and then suddenly she’s out and banging on Ally’s window? Nah. But even still, I kept thinking her involvement was kind of superficial and based on her attachment to Harrison. I thought her seemingly endless supply of ennui- Oprah for president!- would save her from truly buying in. But, no. She was the most devoted of all, wasn’t she? She drank the (lead) Kool-aid. And given Kai’s enthusiastic reaction to her cutting Tom Chang’s throat, Meadow’s sassy little strut toward Serena right before sinking a knife in her gut takes on new meaning. She was performing for her man, y’all. And I *love* how Kai’s demeaning words and threatening knife-wielding while Meadow is being hogtied a third of the way through the episode wrap back around at the end and lead into the sex scene, which is a cracked-out blend of sacred and profane. RIP, dear lost Meadow. RIP, Meadow’s awesome clown costume.

Who is manufacturing those clown outfits, anyway? Meadow had the masks in a bag at one point and handed them out. If she made them, she was talented beyond simply drawing. Her final sketch was a bunny mask. Interesting.

The situation with the mysterious green mist trucks and the birds is surprisingly anticlimactic, but at least we have an explanation now.

I get so stressed by all the forensic stuff. Some of the clowns don’t even wear gloves. I know they have a cop in their pocket, but jeez.

I’m not a big Colton Haynes fan, but I do think we should get some kind of back story on how Detective Samuels got involved with the cult.

Part of Kai’s conversation with Ivy half-ass fills a plot hole from last episode- Ivy and Winter vs. Gary- but meh. Gary was gross, actually begging to kill Sally. Ew. I find him so unlikable.

You know who I’m missing? My girl Winter. Come through, episodes seven and eight.

I love the competing signs on the Anderson lawn.

How is AHS this fun, seven seasons in? How are there people who think it sucks? Imagine. I’ve not decided whether it or ‘11/9′ is my favorite so far, but I loved this episode. It did just about everything right. Fingers crossed for the rest!

#american horror story #AHS: cult #7.6 'midwestern assassin' #episode recaps #october 2017