#ncssian asks

[ncssian]

time flies, messy as the mud on your truck tires, now i’m missing your smile, hear me out. we could just ride around.

a/n: this is soooo long and MAJORLY unedited but it feels perfect for xmas eve so im posting it now. it might even be missing paragraphs but we ride

***

Nesta refused to go fully no-contact with her sisters. To this day, she didn’t know why, but that was how she found herself standing outside Feyre’s house for her mandatory family dinner, held only three times a year.

Three times a year, Nesta had to dress up and submit herself to a painfully awkward night of being left out of conversations and eating mediocre food. Tonight it was for Thanksgiving. She’d long resigned herself to the torture of it all, and she was nothing but grateful that it was only three nights out of the whole year.

That still didn’t make knocking on the door any easier, however.

“Nesta?” a voice behind her asked, immediately raising every hair on her neck. She turned away from the front door to find a familiar face walking up the lit pathway to the manor’s stone porch, approaching her.

Oh God. “Cassian?”

Wow, did he look… different. In the three years since he’d left to work for the Peace Corps, Cassian’s muscles had subtly grown not bigger, but more defined, his clothes now better-fitting. His dark hair was shorter than she’d ever seen it before, no longer wild and untamed, but still long enough to fall near his chin. He looked so tame in comparison to the hulking giant she’d used to know.

He laughed and rushed up to her to sweep her into a crushing bear hug, making her gasp in surprise. They’d never been close enough in the past for a greeting this enthusiastic, but maybe the Peace Corps had made him demented. “How have you been?” he exclaimed, setting her down on her feet and placing a hand at her shoulder so she wouldn’t tip over. “I was wondering whether I’d get to see you tonight.”

Nesta could only open and shut her mouth, no words coming out. “You’re back,” was all she could say.

He grinned wide. His smile had remained the same. “I am.”

Her mind frantically flipped through the encyclopedia of social etiquette. “It’s good to see you again,” she forced out. “How was—life?”

His laugh was quiet, but she didn’t know what was funny. “I should be asking you the same thing. What are you waiting out here in the cold for?” He nudged her softly.

“Just trying to work up the nerve to knock on the door,” she answered honestly.

“I see.” He nodded. “Well, if we both put our heads together, I'm sure we can manage it before dinner is served.”

Was he making fun of her? His manner seemed serious and earnest, and it was confusing the hell out of Nesta.

Just then, the door swung open, a rush of light and warmth spilling out onto the front porch. “I thought I heard a ruckus outside,” Elain said, thin brows furrowing as her gaze swung to Nesta, then quickly smoothing out with a smile as her eyes landed on Cassian. “Come get out of the cold," she said. "We’re so glad you could make it.”

Nesta knew Elain was addressing both of them, but she couldn’t help but feel the last part had been directed to Cassian more than her.

Cassian swept inside with a grin and greeted Elain with a kiss to her cheek, and Nesta had to force herself to look away. Suddenly the hug she’d gotten no longer felt like overkill. A kiss had to mean more than a hug, right?

“You both are a little late, but you haven’t missed much. I’ll bring everyone else to the dining room,” Elain said, before wandering off down one of the mansion’s grand hallways to get the rest of their friends.

Nesta took in a subtle breath, but a deep one nonetheless, as she set about taking her coat off. It was stupid to be so anxious about a simple dinner. In no less than four hours, she'd be tucked in her warm bed with a swoony romance book, and the whole evening would disappear like the fragments of a bad dream. This was nothing.

Cassian came up to her side as they made their way to the dining room, bending down to speak into her ear. "There's so much I want to catch up with you about. I wish I'd known you were going to be here earlier, I would've prepared more."

Nesta's responding look was confused, if not bewildered. Prepared for what? Was there something grating about her presence that required preparation? He kept saying things that sounded like potential jabs in the softest, friendliest manner.

She ran her jittery hands down the sleek low ponytail of her hair, then the blue velvet of her simple dress. "Yes, well." She didn't follow through with the rest of the sentence.

They arrived at the dining room, where it was both a relief and a weight to no longer be alone with just Cassian. Everyone else in her sister's little friend group was already there, ooh-ing and aah-ing over the platters of food and rushing to claim seats at the table.

Nesta heard several exclamations of "Cassian's here!", all of which she ignored as she tried to decide which seat would suit her best tonight. She might have heard Cassian say, "Nesta's here, too," but it was quickly swallowed up and lost to the rest of the room's conversation.

Cassian took a seat next to Azriel and started pulling out the empty chair beside him. His eyes searched for and met Nesta's just as she picked her seat on the opposite side of the table, near the very end. A look of defeat took over his face as Morrigan took the chair beside him. Nesta didn't understand what the look was supposed to mean, but as it was awkward not to smile at someone after a certain amount of eye contact had been made, she offered him a small smile that probably came off as a tiny grimace before looking away.

After a lot of scrambling around, Elain ended up seated on Nesta's right. Not too bad, as conversation with Elain was less likely to make Nesta's skin crawl than with others at the table.

Everyone started piling their plates with food, and Nesta let Elain take her plate to serve her. It was easier than drawing attention to herself by reaching out and getting the food on her own.

"You shouldn't have come so late, Cassian," Feyre said from the head of the table. "You missed all the appetizers, they’re all finished now."

“Don’t tell me you didn’t save me any of Elain’s lobster rolls,” he said with wide eyes, acting offended.

Elain giggled at that, but the sound seemed more calculated than genuine. It probably wasn't nice to think everything that your sister did was calculated, but Nesta wasn't feeling very nice tonight. She felt like staring into her mashed potatoes while dreaming about a handsome man crashing this dinner party and promptly sweeping her off her feet.

Morrigan and Feyre led the conversation by gossiping about some work friend of Rhysand's they'd run into on their latest shopping trip, and time melded around Nesta and held her captive. She imagined she'd been painted to match the printed wallpaper behind her, rendering herself invisible to the rest of the room.

To everyone except one, that was. But everytime she accidentally made eye contact with Cassian, she looked away before he could even register it. By the time she looked back, he'd refocused on whatever jokes or stories his friends were telling.

Thirty minutes passed by without anyone asking Nesta a question. She counted each one, until—

"So what do you do these days?"

It took a long moment of awkward silence before Nesta looked up from her plate to find Cassian staring at her, his eyes warm. She realized the question had been directed at her. "Me?" she said in disbelief, because she needed the confirmation.

"No, one of these other losers," he teased. Some made noises of mock-offense, while others stifled their laughter.

Nesta shifted uncomfortably at how all the attention in the room had shifted to her. Being ignored wasn't fun, true, but this was far worse. "I run a dance studio," she answered. She didn't mention anything about how she was also a ghostwriter of romance novels on the side, although maybe she might have admitted it if they'd been alone.

Cassian's eyes lit up, and he imperceptibly leaned forward over the table. "No way. What kind of dance?"

"Um, just pole for now." Normally she'd leave it at that, but something in her wanted to give the full picture to Cassian. "I'm working on hiring more teachers and splitting it into contemporary and hip-hop-based classes, though."

"No ballet?"

She shook her head, distracting herself from his heavy gaze by taking a bite of salad. Ballet had been Nesta's first love, even more so than the ballroom dancing her grandmother had forced upon her, but she'd been bitter for a long time at how puberty and big boobs had taken away any chance she'd had to dance professionally. More than that, its ways were too rigid and painful, and Nesta would rather teach students how to let go rather than restrain themselves.

"That's crazy," he said, grinning. "I never imagined you doing anything than classical."

Right. He'd seen tapes of her old performances once a long time ago, though she was surprised he still remembered them.

"Nesta got the idea from dancing at that strip club a few years ago," Morrigan interjected with a wave of her fork.

Nesta's face flamed with heat at the misinformation, because even though there was nothing wrong with being a stripper, there were certain things you couldn't say to certain people without being judged for it. Like announcing that you wrote erotica in your free time, or that you were bisexual.

"It was just a regular club, and I was a go-go dancer," she corrected, as if that would lighten the blow. Rhysand made a noise that implied this was not much better than stripping.

"Holy shit, how much have I missed?" Cassian sat back in his chair in disbelief, not picking up on the light waves of discomfort that floated around the group whenever Nesta's past was brought up. Then again, he'd never found anything about her to be uncomfortable.

After Feyre and Rhysand had cut off all sources of her income, she’d been forced to find a real job. Dancing was the only thing she’d been good at doing, and she knew from the seedy bars she frequented that one of the nearby nightclubs was hiring. Thanks to her body and skills, she’d been able to indulge her alcohol problem off tips alone, at least until she’d made the decision to get her life together. That had been a year and a half ago.

But she couldn’t tell any of this to Cassian. She didn’t need to, either, because Amren answered his question for her. “Nesta's unrecognizable from when you last saw her, isn't she?" she drawled. "Don't worry; I promise her personality's still the same."

"Indeed," Rhysand grumbled, and a few others laughed.

Cassian still had that smile glued to his face, but it now looked frozen and false, as if he was no longer happy but didn’t know what to do about it.

But the conversation was out of his control now, due to the unfortunate fact that once attention landed on Nesta, it was usually difficult to make it go away. The next thing she knew, she was being bombarded with questions from all sides of the table.

"Were you late tonight because of that old Toyota again? I told you you could afford a new car if you took up my job offer."

"One of my friends took a class at your studio and said it wasn't too bad. You should give me a free membership so I can see for myself."

"What's your new address again?" This one from Feyre. "I need it for my Christmas cards."

Nesta blinked hard, head spinning at everyone's words being thrown at her, wondering how unacceptable it would be if she just—snapped. Wondering if maybe she could get herself uninvited from these things from good.

"I—" Mor started to lob another question.

“Let the woman fucking breathe, Jesus,” Cassian chuckled into his wine glass, cutting her off. But it was targeted at the whole room to hear, and the bitterness beneath it was clear.

The room went still. Awkwardness, sharp and cold as ice, swept over the dinner table until Nesta felt like her bones were frozen in place.

When no one responded, Cassian took a large gulp of wine and set the glass down with a dull thud. “I mean, if we want her to come around more often maybe we shouldn’t be giving her reasons to never visit,” he said, his voice too loud in the quiet room.

“We’re just catching up since we never get to see her,” Feyre said, sounding hurt and defensive at the same time.

Rhysand’s barely-audible growl implied he wanted to kill whoever had put that hurt in her tone—which in this case and most cases, was Nesta.

“That’s enough,” a delicate but firm voice beside Nesta said. She felt a soft hand rest on her arm, and looked up to find Elain’s sympathetic brown eyes watching her. But when Elain opened her mouth to speak again, all that came out was, “Eat more, will you? You’re so skinny it’ll make the rest of us look bad.”

Nesta had actually been gaining healthy weight lately, but for some unfathomable reason this was Elain’s attempt at diffusing the hostility in the room, so Nesta hummed a sound that technically counted as a response and busied herself with picking at her cut of roast beef.

Her lack of aggression seemed to satisfy the table, and one by one, people slowly went back to ignoring her and redirecting their focus to another topic of conversation.

Not even a minute later, Morrigan cackled far louder than required at something Azriel had said, causing Nesta's shoulders to inch up toward her ears. The hand that held her fork had fallen still, and Nesta’s other hand was fluttering subtly on the table, her index finger digging sharply into the thin skin around her thumbnail. The pain was a welcome balm to her agitated nerves.

She forced her hand to straighten out and lie still when she noticed Cassian's gaze on her. The action only sent her pent-up nerves straight to her spine, where she feared they would spontaneously combust and cause a meltdown in front of the whole table.

But then she met his eyes, and something in her heart choked, then settled.

She’d long forgotten the true hazel of his eyes. Hazel could be any color and every color, but looking at Cassian now, even from this distance in this weak lighting, her brain was starting to fill in the gaps of her memory. So many shades of brown and yellow speckled with blue-green colliding together, reminding her of undiscovered planets.

He was the first to pull his gaze away, but it was slow and required effort. Spell broken, Nesta’s own gaze dropped to her plate. At the very least, she no longer felt like ripping her fingernails off.

Nesta was left fairly alone for the rest of the meal, but the odd tension that had formed with Cassian and spread over the rest of the room didn’t dissipate. Even when everyone once again became lost to bantering and arguing with each other, Nesta felt the sense of awareness burning along every line of her body. She tried telling herself it was just in her head, but when she caught Amren sneaking a glance at her out of the corner of her eye, it was undeniable.

As more and more people finished their plates, they got up from the table to use the bathroom, talk on the phone, or wander into the adjacent drawing room to make use of its minibar. Among the noise, Nesta quietly excused herself and made a beeline for the emptiest part of the first floor of the house.

Alone in the kitchen, she finally allowed herself a deep intake of air. It felt like her first breath all night.

Shuffling toward the liquor cabinet, she pulled the first bottle of red wine she could find and grabbed herself a glass. Low footsteps behind her made her look over her shoulder before she could open the bottle.

It was just Cassian. Though the sight of him made her insides flutter, she didn't think he would judge her for drinking, so she turned back to her glass and uncorked the bottle.

"I needed some air," he spoke after a few moments of silence. Nesta nodded as she filled her glass perhaps a little too high. He took a few more steps toward the counter where she stood, and she belatedly realized that he was trying to engage in conversation with her.

Her brain scrambled for something to say, and just as she thought of asking him if he wanted some wine as well, Cassian was speaking again. "I'm sorry for everyone's behavior back there. It was super embarrassing."

Oh no, Nesta internally groaned. She'd almost rather put up with Feyre's lecturing and Amren's nitpicking than deal with an apology.

"They're not usually like this," he promised. "Someone must have spiked their drinks tonight."

Nesta didn't bother telling him that he was wrong. She didn't know how to react to such an unexpected statement. "There's nothing to apologize for," she said, sounding stilted and awkward. "I'm not really a sensitive person."

"Still," he said, looking up at her, "the vibes in this place are so weird tonight." He shuddered to himself. "Don't you feel weird?"

Was he referring to his friends, the sharp-edged way they spoke to her, or something else? "Maybe because it's your first time back in a long time." Nesta shrugged. "I'm used to it."

"Well, I'm not. In fact, I can think of a dozen other things I'd rather be doing right now than having dinner here."

Nesta glanced at him, her eyes widened in surprise. "Haven't you missed your friends, though? They're so excited to see you."

He shook his head. "This is honestly, like, our fifth meeting together since I got back. I see them all the time."

"Ah."

"What about you?" he pressed. "Do you want to stay or go?"

Nesta looked around the kitchen as if someone else might have walked in during their conversation and he was talking to them instead. "What do you mean?" she said.

He let out a small laugh. "Do you want to ditch this dinner?"

"But—wouldn't that be rude?"

He shrugged as if the consequences didn't matter much to him. "The door's right there." He gestured with his head toward the hallway leading to the foyer.

Nesta didn't know what overcame her. She chugged as much of her glass of wine as she could and set it down with a thump, looking at Cassian. Less than a minute later, they were speeding out the front door on quiet feet, stifling laughter and the jingle of car keys as they went.

***

"What about my car?" Nesta asked as Cassian started up his Ford truck, turning the heat up to full blast.

"We'll come back for it later tonight," he promised, shifting into drive and pulling away from the hulking mansion. "After everyone's gone, so you don't have to run into them."

"That'll take hours, though," she said, chewing the inside of her cheek. There was never such thing as a short dinner when Feyre's inner circle were gathered together.

"I've got hours to kill," he shrugged, then glanced over at her. "You can go home whenever you want, though. I can drop you off or take you back to your car."

Nesta took half a second to mourn her dream of cuddling in bed with her books all night, then got past it. This wasn't such a bad replacement for her former plans, anyhow.

"What should we do?" she asked, hesitant excitement bubbling in her stomach. Cassian opened his mouth to answer, but she cut him off. "Should we go to the movies? I wanted to see that new horror comedy—"

"I thought it wasn't out for another week."

"Oh." She sat back, trying to think of something else. "Is Nude still in theaters?"

Cassian chuckled. "Don't think so, Nes."

She ignored how the nickname made her feel. "What about Back to Black?"

"Director's a creep."

"The new Marvel movie?"

"Terrible reviews, and you hate mega-franchises."

True. "...Maybe we can just keep driving around?" she finally suggested.

Cassian surrendered with a cheery grin. "I love that idea." He glided into the right lane and made a turn that led them straight onto the highway. The truck hummed as it accelerated from 45 to 70.

In the dark lit only by the dashboard lights, Nesta kicked her heels off and stretched out in her seat, letting herself smile. She could hardly remember why she'd been struggling for air back at that dinner. This, driving at night with Cassian in silence, was one of the most relaxing feelings she'd ever experienced.

Even so, she was surprised to find she didn't mind it much when Cassian eventually interrupted the quiet.

“I really did miss you.” His words took her by surprise, and it must have showed in the look she threw him.

He chuckled lowly. “Is it that hard to believe?”

It was, actually, though Nesta didn’t tell him that. “I just don’t remember us being that close,” she said, shrugging. They’d rarely talked without Feyre or one of her friends in the room, and when they had talked alone, the conversations hadn’t been very deep. He’d tried to tease and challenge her in the beginning, as she was sure he did with every worthy person who came his way, but when Nesta was unresponsive to his efforts, he eventually dropped the asshole act.

“We weren’t,” Cassian agreed, “but sometimes your favorite people are the ones you see the least.”

That made Nesta’s breath hitch. He couldn’t mean it the way she thought he meant it. She couldn’t be his favorite.

"I had a huge crush on you when we first met, you know," he added.

Nesta’s shoulders deflated, in either relief or disappointment, she didn’t know. Of course; that was what he’d meant. She gave him a dry look in response. "Yeah, I sensed that."

He did a double-take from the road to her. "You did?"

It had been painfully obvious any time they were in the same room together, with the weight of Cassian's gaze feeling like hefting a barbell of anxiety and discomfort and embarrassment. She remembered how her skin would itch with how she blushed, how her throat would close up and her breathing would shallow out. It had felt like suffering from an allergic reaction.

Nesta didn't say any of that to Cassian now, though. "What made you stop liking me?" she asked instead, propping her elbow on the passenger-side window and leaning her head against her fist. She was genuinely curious to hear his answer. It had happened before she'd fallen too deep into her hole of depression and brought shame onto Feyre and the Archeron name, so it couldn't have been the fact that she'd been a hot mess. "Was I too rude? Too quiet? Too boring?" How had she let him down?

"What?" Cassian looked over at her like she'd gone insane. "No."

"Then what was it that made you stop liking me?" Because Cassian had stopped liking Nesta at a certain point. After a few awkward conversations and a failed attempt to spend time alone with her, Cassian had pulled away from Nesta as if he'd never known her in the first place. The heavy gazes lessened, then stopped altogether, and the conversation would rarely go past a friendly "hello" up until the day Cassian had left for the Peace Corps.

Cassian bit down on his lip, looking both amused and flustered by her scientific questioning. "I didn't stop liking you. I just stopped chasing you."

That information took Nesta by surprise. She was stunned, still figuring out what to say in response when Cassian continued, "I was too young and too stupid back then. I didn't know how to make decisions for myself, and I let other people convince me not to go after the things I wanted. I regretted it for a long time while I was away overseas, but eventually I just had to get over it, you know?"

Nesta blinked, staring out the windshield and saying nothing.

He'd wanted her. Even when she was drinking and fucking her way through every bar and club in the city, he'd wanted her, all the way up until the day he left—and even after that, if she was understanding him correctly.

"Anyway, what about you?" Cassian said, changing the topic. "You been seeing anyone lately?"

"Why? Are you asking for yourself?" She meant it to be taunting, but her natural deadpan tone made most things she said sound serious.

Cassian made a noise that sounded like a choked cough. "It was just a question."

She tried not to be disappointed at his response, even though it was no surprise that he was over her by now. Why would he be interested in reigniting something that had never sparked in the first place?

"No," she finally answered, her voice sounding small but not weak. "I haven't really been interested in meeting people lately, not even for casual hookups."

He threw a glance over at her, the surprise subtle but there. "Can I ask why?"

She shrugged, never having had to explain the answer to anyone else before. "I don’t like putting myself in situations where men want my body. I already feel like a blowup sex doll as it is, so it’s better to not date at all."

"Why would you feel like that?" Cassian said, the slightest hint of alarm and concern creeping into his tone. "Did somebody call you that?"

She shifted in her seat, feeling awkward at being put on the spot. "I don’t know, it’s just the way my body’s built. I’m always getting asked whether I do porn or have an OnlyFans. People always give me their unwanted opinions on my boobs or my hips or my butt."

"Who said that to you?" he demanded.

"I was a go-go dancer, remember?"

"That's not an answer." His voice was hard. "Or an excuse."

"I only told you because you asked why I don't date," she said sharply, suddenly cold. "I don't need your pity." And she was regretting opening up so much to him so soon.

Cassian opened his mouth to speak and she cut him off before he could decide to pity her anyway. "What would you do with the names of my harrassers, anyway? Find them and beat them up? Give them a real piece of your mind?" she mocked. "You can barely stand up to your own friends when they're being dickheads, tough guy."

Cassian made a choking sound, which soon devolved into wheezing, and when Nesta finally looked over at him she found that his shoulders were shaking with restrained laughter. Her brows scrunched up in confusion, her nerves getting whiplash from the sudden shift in mood.

"Holy shit, there she is," he barely got out between laughs of disbelief. "Where the hell was she all this time?"

"Who?" Her bafflement must have been written all over her face.

"The proud Nesta I first met so many years ago," he stated. "The one who'd rather choke to death on her own arrogance than give in to someone else."

Nesta felt like he'd just pointed to an obvious crumbling corpse that everyone else was trying hard to forget was in the room. That prideful Nesta was the opposite of the person she was trying to be these days, even though her ghost might have made an appearance when she'd been a little unnecessarily rude to Cassian just now.

She only shook her head, denying that old version of herself's right to exist. "I don't have the time or energy to be that person anymore. And I hate getting into fights. Losing all the time gets exhausting fast."

Instead of responding with something witty, Cassian drummed his thumbs against the steering wheel, his tongue poking into his cheek as he clearly thought something over. "The Nesta I knew never used to lose an argument," he finally said.

"A lot of things change once you lose all your financial and social capital," she murmured, almost too quiet for him to hear. It was the closest they'd gotten all night to touching upon that uncomfortable period of her life—Alcoholic Whore Gone Wild, as Amren had coined it. But she couldn't bear exposing that part of her past to Cassian, even though he'd already witnessed it with his own two eyes. She refused to say more, not wanting him to remember what a mess she'd been only a few years ago.

"Is it Rhys and the rest of the guys?" Cassian said, plowing right through the topic she was trying to avoid. "Did they outnumber you into changing so you'd fit into his PR campaigns or something?"

Cassian was scarily close to being on the nose of what had actually gone down, and it made Nesta flare her nostrils in defense. "I don't think we're close enough to be talking about things like this." She was back to being cold, even though it required more effort this time. "Change the subject."

"Fine," he said casually, though not even the dark could hide the subtle tightness of his jaw. "Let's go back to that sex-doll thing then. Did that start before or after I left?"

"Are you my therapist?" she felt the need to resist against him.

"Do you ever answer questions without another question?" he shot back. When Nesta still refused to budge, he released a sigh. "You just never seemed to me like someone who gave a shit about how others saw you. That was what made you Nesta. So yeah, sue me if I wanna know more about how your pretty little brain works."

Nesta swallowed his words like a rough pill, doing her best not to linger on the word "pretty". Now that he didn’t seem so uncomfortably shocked by her confession, she twisted toward him like she was telling a juicy story. Honestly, she felt a perverted excitement at getting to discuss parts of her life that she never got to speak about otherwise. "I used to not care that much about it," she started, "but one day while I was alone at home I saw my ass in skinny jeans in the mirror. I don’t know, it just flipped a switch in me. I felt so dirty. Like an object to be used instead of a person. And I realized that was how most people probably perceived me, too. It freaked me out so bad I just retreated from men and the dating pool altogether."

She felt dirty going out in certain clothes, and dirtier still when other people looked at her in those clothes. Even the dress she’d worn tonight, formfitting with the neckline cut out to accentuate her chest, had required her to avoid full-length mirrors while getting ready. She knew it wasn’t normal to feel the way she felt, but she also knew there wasn’t much to be done about it.

Cassian let out a low whistle. "That’s fucked."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"No." His answer was smooth. "But I think you'll get mad at everything else I want to say, so I'll leave it at that. It's really fucked you have to feel that way, Nesta."

Her swallow was tight, and she was more than a little surprised. Never in a million years could the Nesta of three years ago have imagined Cassian talking with her about things like this, and more than that, comforting her.

In truth, she had thought about Cassian too while he was gone. She wouldn’t say she’d missed him, because she didn’t know how to miss something she never had, but there’d been an empty longing on the rare occasions she thought of him. A bittersweet desire for what could have been, if only she’d been less of a mess and more of an easy person to be around.

She didn’t know how to tell him this, so she settled for, “For what it's worth, I really am happy that you're back.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Cassian stifle a smile. He roughly cleared his throat and changed the subject. “You wanna go to Town Square and see the Christmas lights?”

“Sounds good.”

“Okay.”

Nesta tucked her feet beneath herself and got comfortable, and they continued driving in companionable silence. Twinkling holiday lights and towering decorations passed in a blur outside the windows, and at one point Cassian stopped at an In-N-Out to order fries and a milkshake. "You didn't eat much back at the house," was his only explanation as he handed the food over to Nesta.

She accepted the kindness without complaint, happily munching on fries and melting into her heated seat. Something about the warm truck made her forget time was moving, but the next time she pulled her gaze away from the windshield to check the clock, she saw it was already midnight.

Cassian seemed to take note of it at the same time she did. “Damn, I have an early morning tomorrow…” He trailed off, not stating the obvious—that their little getaway drive had to come to an end.

“Me too,” Nesta lied, so she didn’t sound stupid for wanting to stay like this, driving in silence.

She turned on her phone for the first time all night, finding no less than five missed calls and a handful of upset texts from her sisters. Holding back a grimace, she shut her phone off again. "Maybe you can drop me off at home instead of at Feyre’s."

"You sure?" Cassian looked over at her. "What about your car?"

She waved a hand. "I'll get it back later. I just want to be home right now."

Cassian didn’t hesitate before making a U-turn off the left lane. “You still live in Brentwood?” he asked casually.

Brentwood, with the roach-infested grimy one-bedroom she’d inhabited in the depths of her depression, back when it was all she could afford and all she could stomach to come home to after a long day of self-hatred.

Unlike most, Cassian had never judged her for it. He’d even shown up on her ratty doorstep one Christmas Eve to drop off gifts from her sisters, saying nothing but that he hoped she would be okay, and to have a merry Christmas. There was no direct mention of her obvious miserable state, but no tense avoidance of it, either. It had been the most ordinary interaction Nesta’d had that year: short, sweet, and simple.

Nesta blinked herself out of the sudden memory. Being reunited with Cassian was bringing back too many moments she’d forgotten had happened. She shook her head, even though he probably couldn’t see. “I moved to Goldridge.”

“Ooh, fancy,” he teased. He pulled out his phone and held it out to her. “Put your address into the GPS.”

Clicking on his phone, Nesta found notifications for several missed calls and texts on his screen as well. They were at least double the amount she had, but she didn’t let her eyes linger on the messages as she swiped up onto the home screen. Of course he didn’t have a password on his phone. He could be so dumb sometimes.

Typing her address into his Maps app, she turned the navigation on and set his phone down in the cupholder between them.

Cassian glanced over to it and squinted to read her address while he drove. "That's only twenty minutes away from where I live."

"Really?" Nesta perked up, intrigued. In the past, Cassian had always been an hour or so away, considering the heavy traffic between Velars and it's poorer outskirt cities. Now he was basically her neighbor. "But isn’t it far from your friends and family?”

She'd purposely chosen her current home for the distance it placed between her and said friends and family.

Cassian shrugged as he merged onto the highway. “Not too far, but not too close, either.”

The rest of the drive passed with light conversation between them. Addicted to how the low rumble of his voice paired with the darkness of the night roads made her feel fuzzy and sleepy, Nesta let Cassian ramble to her about his time in Tunisia while she leaned back in her seat, her eyes millimeters away from drooping shut.

Sometime later, Cassian pulled up to the curb of her brownstone townhouse and put the truck into park. He let out a low whistle as he inspected the tall windows and the quality brickwork, then looked back at Nesta, who was still blinking the sleep out of her eyes, with an embarrassed grin. “I’m a fool. I completely forgot to ask how you ended up with your dance studio.”

Nesta opened her mouth to tell him about her business, but Cassian shook his head fast. “Don’t tell me now. I want to hear the whole story, sometime when the night isn’t right about to end.”

Sometime other than now…? “What do you mean?” she voiced.

He met her gaze with serious intention, no amusement or nervousness to be found. “I’d like to see you again, Nesta Archeron.”

The words hung between them like the start of a promise.

Despite the sudden warmth flooding her insides, Nesta was hesitant with her answer. She still didn't completely trust Cassian—nor herself when she was around him. She didn't want to spiral into obsession over him just for him to break her heart. She still needed to test the rock face of this thing between them, checking for cracks and loose areas that could give way. “I’ll think about it," she finally said.

Cassian's lips slowly curled up into a clever smile, looking like he'd just won a prize. "Give me your keys." He held his broad hand out.

Nesta frowned. "What for?"

"I'll bring your car over in the morning. It'll be a quick drop-off."

"You really don't need to..." She trailed off as Cassian reached over and stuck his hand in her tiny purse, quickly finding and pulling out the shiny keys. He jingled them in her face. "Thanks for these," he said, as if she were the one doing him a favor.

She opened her mouth, closed it, then nodded. She'd given up on trying to keep pace with their conversations, especially not when he rendered her speechless so often. "I should get inside now," she said.

"Don't freeze on the way to the door," he said, even though it couldn't have been more than a ten second walk. Again, was he teasing or being genuine? Or somehow both at the same time?

"Get home safe," she responded, because that was the only phrase her encyclopedia for social etiquette held right now. She exited the car and reached inside again to grab her purse. She might have left it behind so she'd have an excuse to linger in the pinecone-scented warmth of his truck for a bit longer. Eventually, she had to force her head out of the front seat, away from Cassian's kind smile and gorgeous eyes. "Goodnight, Cassian." Nesta shut the door between them, eager to end their interaction quickly so she could go inside and spend the whole night thinking about him.

Even with the door shut and the windows too dark to make out Cassian's face, Nesta swore she could feel it in her bones when he murmured back, "Goodnight, Nesta."

***

a/n: the gifts were not from her sisters…but that’s a story for later (never)

tags:

@rarephloxes @moodymelanist @arinbelle @sayosdreams @bridgertononmymind @live-the-fangirl-life @a-court-of-valkyries @secretlovelybeauty @humanexile @helion-ism @my-fan-side @royaltykxx @xoblivisci @planet-faerie @katekatpattywack @imagine-me @meridainthedisneyland @jungtaekwoonie-is-life @rainbowcheetah512 @valkyriewarriors @loosingdreams @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @perseusannabeth @that-golden-lyre @swankii-art-teacher @laylaameer01 @awesomelena555 @claralady @ghostlyrose2 @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @cassianscool @wannawriteyouabook @everything-that-i-love @sv0430 @xstarlightsupremex @faeriebambula

#nesta archeron #nessian #cassian #ncssianwrites #taylor swift song drabbles #ncssian asks #nessian fic

[bittermuire]

41, 43 + 74! 💚

thank you for the ask 🫶

Who’s your favorite character you’ve written?

nesta :)))) there's just so much to unearth in her, all the layers are so fun to uncover. and I feel like the way I've written her has changed drastically over the years due to different interpretations I've seen in fics. namely A Favor by @ncssian and House of Mirrors by @ae-neon

I've also enjoyed writing elain a lot recently, but specifically from someone else's perspective. I'm working on a fic right now where I've been especially interested in her character

Is there a trope or idea that you’d really like to write but haven’t yet?

not sure what this says about my character but I really love cheating fics 😭 they're TOOO GOOD like......... the angst. the drama. as much as I love a good "I'm cheating on my husband with you because he's terrible and I'm touch-starved" I am also game for a "my long term boyfriend is cheating on me and has been for years and I had no idea and now we're standing in the kitchen and we're both yelling" like YEAHHH YOU CANT GO WRONG

I would love to write a cheating fic. I just don't think I could do it well enough to be honest

Do you have a fic you wish got a bit more love?

hmm if anything, maybe unlived love like a memory, on my ao3. it's medieval nessian, knight/princess, and is definitely not the Best thing I've written. one of my favorites though

#i'm sorry this got so long #thank you for the ask!!!!

[azsazz]

Fanfic writers are legit like celebs to me and when someone’s answers my ask it literally feels like I just got a hug from my fav celeb. Tag a few writers who make you feel like that too and who deserve all the love in the world 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

I love the community of writers and readers we have here 💙

@writingsbychlo @acourtofmenandthirst @oliviajdjarin @azrielscrown @azrielhours @swansworth @sarcasmsweetie @ann-writes-universes @ncssians 💙💙💙

[sayosdreams]

what’s your fave fic idea that you have in your head but will probably never write

I have wayyyy too many ideas that I’m never going to write, so I was actually thinking of posting them as fic ideas / prompts for other ppl. Except I’m too attached to a couple of them.

Cassian has a nightmare about losing his wings, he and Nesta talk, and Cassian realizes he is more than his wings (his wings aren’t what make him Illyrian or a man/male)

Lucien and Nesta friendship fic

Lucien and Jesminda fic

I rly like these ideas but I probly won’t write them 😅 but foolishly wanna hold out hope.

Thanks so much for the ask!

#answered asks #sayosdreams asks #ncssian #ffwf

[abruisedmuse]

hello yes i love you very much okay goodbye

I Love You Very Much 🥰😘

#ask #answered #mutual love post #ncssians #❤❤❤❤❤

[ghostiewriter]

fanfic wip game

Rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you and I’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

I was tagged by @goblins-riddles-or-frocks @brizzlovesyou @dayas @eye-of-the-storm @jiaraisinthegoodplace @jjskiaras

tagging: @alphinias @yellowlaboratory @pakfiction @k-carreras @kiekiecarrera @sourgrapefox @ncssian @lady-riel @mishellejones @jojameswinter @mellarkisa (cba tagging more)

now brb gonna go hide rn because this is just embarrassing and I don’t even think that’s all of them😭😭😭

Spider-Man AU [jiara]

Soulmates through the ages [jiara]

10TIHAY AU [jiara]

Hockey AU [jiara]

Cruel Prince AU [jiara]

PJO AU [jiara]

Celebrity AU [jiara]

Bodyguard AU [jiara]

Only Fans AU [jiara]

Enemies with Benefits AU [jiara]

Family AU [jiara x jarah b x theope]

PLL AU [jiara]

ACOTAR AU [jiara]

Kanej AU [jiara]

Boarding School Break-In [jiara]

Punk 57/Pen Pals AU [jiara]

Moral Devil’s Night/Horseman!Pogues AU [jiara]

Immoral series one-shot #1 [jiara]

Immoral series one-shot #2 [jiara]

F1/Brother’s Rival AU [jiara]

Redemption of Beau Ivers [beezie]

Desiderium [rivusa]

“I had nowhere else to go” fic [rivusa]

Art of Deceit [dramione]

Fake Dating Nancy Hudson AU [nace]

Worried!Azriel x Injured!Gwyn [gwynriel]

Chain Smut [princewitch]

Roman’s surprise birthday [tmnp]

Scout x Eli bromance [tmnp]

Alexis’ bday fic [nice try, bitch, you have to wait]

#tag games #jiara #rivusa #dramione #gwynriel #princewitch #teenage mutant ninja pogues

[moodymelanist]

Elucien first kiss/date from the modern AU I beg you🧎🏾‍♀️

okay let’s go with the first kiss within the mean girl Elain/doesn’t give a fuck Lucien AU courtesy of @ncssian 😌

I’ll be up writing prompts for another hour while I wait for What If episode 2 to come out so feel free to send more if y’all are up!

Lucien hadn’t seen Elain for almost two weeks, not since he’d bumped into her coming back from her Halloween party. As much as she irritated him, he couldn’t get her tearstained face out of his mind. They weren’t close enough for him to reach out to make sure she was alright, and although he was friendly with the oldest Archeron sister, Nesta wouldn’t take kindly to him asking about Elain.

She didn’t show up to their shared class today, but he wasn’t going to pry; he was just tired of not having anyone to exchanged barbed insults with. When class let out he figured he’d head back to his dorm, considering it was his last one for the day and he didn’t have any plans with Vassa or Jurian.

He’d been lucky enough to get a single in one of the nicer dorms and he hadn’t taken it for granted for a single second. He dropped his backpack by the door, took off his shoes, and collapsed onto his bed with the relief of being done for the day.

Lucien was just on the edge of dozing off when someone knocked on his door and woke him up. Grumbling, he reached for a hair tie and pulled his hair into a messy bun before yanking open the door to reveal one Elain Archeron.

She looked pissed but much better than the last time he’d seen her; her bronze hair was pulled back into a half up half down style that showed off her perfectly made up face. She tended to keep her makeup natural and he liked how it showed off her lovely features, but over his dead body would he tell her that.

“How the hell did you figure out where I lived?” he asked.

“I’m a witch,” she said flatly. She raised an eyebrow and shifted her backpack on her shoulders. “Are you going to let me in or not?”

“Fine.” He moved aside and let her into his dorm, thankful that he’d cleaned his little room thoroughly last night. “Can I help you?”

“God, you’re rude,” Elain snapped. She glared daggers at him as she forcefully shut the door behind her and walked over to sit on his bed. She was so short that her legs hung comically over the edge and he had to hold back a laugh.

“You show up at my dorm completely unannounced and expect me to be nice?” Lucien shot back. “Give me a break, Munchkin.”

“Munchkin?” she repeated, her voice going up several octaves. “I came here to return your ugly fucking jacket and you want to call me names?”

“I did you a favor that night but you’re insulting my clothes?” he asked. He couldn’t help but snort. “Classic Elain Archeron, I guess.”

She gave him another murderous glare before taking off her backpack — pink, of course, to match her outfit — and unzipping it to reveal his jacket he’d loaned her a few weeks ago. “Here, asshole.”

“Thank you,” he replied dryly. She threw it as hard as she could but considering it wasn’t very heavy, it was child’s play for him to catch it before it hit him in the face. “You throw like a child.”

Elain got off his bed, zipped up her backpack, and put it on her shoulders before she got in his face. “Is being a dick just your default setting?”

“Is being a bitch yours?” Lucien fired back. He wanted to take the words back as soon as he’d said them, especially considering how outraged she looked.

“You are the most insufferable, rude, son of a bitch I’ve ever met—” she started, her voice rising. She jabbed at his chest with her pointer finger and he shooed her hand away.

“Oh please, you should talk,” he snapped. He wasn’t quite yelling at her but his voice was raised to match her volume. “You blackmailed me within our first conversation like the little snake you are.”

“I’d rather be a snake than a sloth,” she hissed. “You’re lazy for even taking this class when you’re a native speaker. You can’t even push yourself to try harder. It’s pathetic.”

They were so close together that Lucien could feel Elain’s chest rising and falling as she glared at him. He was glaring right back at her and was so angry about all the things she’d said about him like she even knew him well enough to say them, as if she could speak about things she had no clue about—

He wasn’t quite sure who moved first, but he blinked and they were kissing. His anger burned away into desire as he dropped his jacket and pulled her closer, doing his best to bend down to her height while she stood on her toes. She was quite the angry kisser and he matched her intensity right back, even daring to dig his hands into her soft hair with a little groan. She pulled away much sooner than he would’ve liked, her lips a little pink from their frenzied kiss.

“If you tell anyone about this, you’re dead,” Elain said. She gave him one last glare before she opened his door and slammed it on her way out.

#acotar #acosf #elucien #elain archeron #lucien vanserra #elain x lucien #first kiss #elucien prompts #THIS IS GONNA BE SO GOOD #argument to kiss #mean girl elain strikes again

[arinbelle]

For the fanfic writers ask game, 5 and 9!

Hello! Thank you so much for asking!!!

5.What fanfic of yours should everyone have read?

9.What are your favorite fanfics?

~*~

5. So I'm not used to tooting my own horn too much but I'll say that even though Lost was a big hit with everyone, I think I spent so, so, SO much time in writing "Learning Curve," and I think if you really want to get me as a writer that's one to read.

9. So I'm not sure if this is asking me as a reader or writer so I'll answer both. As a writer, my favorite fic I ever wrote might be A Court of Witches and Warriors because I never thought I'd stick to something for that long. And even though I know I haven't updated in forever, it's still my first big thing I ever did and I'm proud of her!

As for other fav fics, where to begin?!?

- Embers and Light is a given. I don't think at any point that any Nessian fan hasn't read it yet but if you haven't read it yet, GO! SHOO! Written by the lovely @duskandstarlight

-In Which She Makes a Friend by @bookstantrash is just 👌😚 (this is my made-up chef's kiss emoji btw). It's so cute, and funny, adorable and angsty. The perfect blend of everything. And it’s all the forced mom, dad, child random family put together trope plus girl training as a boy in the army trope so like...ALL THE TROPES. WE LOVE THE TROPE!

-@vidalinav has...things? It's not easy to explain bc she releases a million snippets that I devour and I basically consider them mini chapters at this point and all of then are their own perfect story. Most notably, Nesta’s Love is Quiet which is done and is actually 5 full chapters.

-Anything by @moodymelanist but my fav will forever be Mr. and Mrs. Archeron because I love Nessian and I love Mr. and Mrs. Smith and the combination AU is just *swoons and dies*

-Bittersweet by @inkedstarlight ...so I actually binge read this fic and then couldn’t find the name and panicked and bothered a bunch of people and refound it because it is SO DAMN GOOD. So beautiful.

- A Favor by @ncssian is *screams very high pitched scream* I mean I can’t really explain it but like it’s perfect. It truly is perfect. It’s just AKJSDFKSJASJ I can’t explain further. Sorry. You’ll have to go see for yourself.

-Fine Print by @noodlecatposts. It’s smutty. It’s soft. It’s angsty. It’s a guilty pleasure. Did I mention it’s steamy? Because it is. 

-Okay so @caotica-e-quieta writes on AO3 as “closet_monster” and it’s actually really funny because when I was just a lurker on tumblr and didn’t interact with anyone and read on AO3, I was the BIGGEST FAN of her work. Like I mean, reread almost everyday because for one, there was literally not much Nessian work out there so you devoured whatever the hell you could find. Her work is some of the best that’s out there so I obviously...ahem...may or may not have every fic memorized. My favorite one is I Made Dinner- Impeccable in every single aspect. WAIT I just remembered I also love, love, love it takes time and a little death. 

-Sand and Stardust by @sayosdreams makes me fucking cry and scream and laugh and cry all at once. So beautifully crafted and it’s Nessian babies!!!!

- @letstakethedawn writes...well, honestly, FILTH. Anyways, I think I���ve read Babooshka many times and well...rose quartz’s are just neat I think. That’s all I’ll say. Read it to understand it.

- It Was the End of Everything by @nehemikkele. Beautifully told. Made me cry. Also, not the only thing written by this writer- because there is SO MUCH to read. But it’s the one I’ve had a chance to read fully and loved unconditionally.

-Been obsessed, remained obsessed, will forever be obsessed by Bottled Up Storms by @perseusannabeth. Imagine soft Cassian, soft Nesta, all the angst and softness in the world and you’ve got this fic.

There are SO MANY more, but these are the ones I can list easily off the top of my head. I actually have so many fics saved and liked but I need to scroll a bunch through my tumblr to find them. Which I will when I’m feeling particularly nostalgic one day!

#nessian #nessian fics #ask game

[champanheandluxxury]

Okay, so, this is weird but also funny?!? Mostly weird though so be aware

Well I'm at uni and I don't have a regular sleep schedule, so I kind of sleep whenever and wherever I can especially between my classes. And I just had the weirdest dream of all time involving you guys and I need to tell you what happend while it is still fresh on my mind.

Sooooo it begins whith us all renting a mansion right in front of the beach (which country? I have no idea) we went to the house as happy as we could be (we ran thru the mansion's hallways like running on a field of flowers) there was a large round table filled with plates with chocolate cakes that looked delicious, the only other furniture in the house was a massive white couch (why? don't know) we were drinking a lot of red wine and chating about smutty books and nessian fics. Can you see a pattern?

But how do you know that I was on your dream if we never met I hear you ask.

Those "people" that showed up on my dream were standing and I was facing their backs so they were looking like a normal person, but then I would call for one of them or touch their shoulder they would turn around and SURPRISEEEE it was your tumblr profiles 🤣

It was so weird and vivid, I woke up laughing my ass off, because it's obvious that my brain doesn't work properly when I'm awake but to be like that even when I'm unconscious, it's brand new information, this also might be a reminder that I'm spending too much time on this site consuming too much nessian content and that you guys literally live in my head rent free 24/7.

@ladygabrielli1997 @arinbelle @simpingfornestaarcheron @reader50505 @lanyjoy-13 @perseusannabeth @snelbz @tacmc @duskandstarlight @darklove9314-blog @sayosdreams @nehemikkele @moodymelanist @vidalinav @ithadtobeyouforever @thewayshedreamed @generalnesta @sirendeepity @chaotic-bisexual-mind @ncssian @lordof-bloodshed

If I close my eyes I swear I can still hear the chatting about the books.

• disclaimer: there are users that I tagged that I never even talked to but I read your fics, repost your posts and you are always on my dashboard, so your profiles are stuck into my brain, sorry about that but I needed to share it also sorry about the english mistakes not my first language🤣

[dontgetsalmonella]

My Fav ACOSF Fics! 

I’ve been asking for Fix-it type/revenge fics for ACOSF so I just wanted to share a few great fics w/ Y’all! 

The first: Embers and Light by @duskandstarlight 

Literally amazing! It’s kinda an acosf fix-it but it diverges from canon a bit and literally tops canon! We get sister bonding, Nesta’s powers, romance, all of it! And a lot of IC realising how they failed Nesta. It’s unfinished, but almost done. Also, the OCs are AMAZING (especially Roksana)!

a03 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25388035/chapters/61563586

Second: Renegade Nights fic by @unhealthyfanobsession 

This must be laced w/ cracccckkkkkk it’s so good omfg. It’s what would’ve happened if Cassian took Nesta to the day court instead of the mountains! Nesta being powerful af, romance, sister. bonding, the IC realising they made mistakes and making up, Helion being bad af! Oh, and my fav element, The Illyrians finally getting justice away from the night court and getting their own ruler!!! What more could you need? 

a03:https://archiveofourown.org/works/24012544/chapters/64031653#workskin

Third: A Favor by @ncssian​, it’s an AU, so not an exact “fix-it” but it fixes a lot of the elements i think ACOSF lacked. Really cute, has Gwynriel drama, Nessian, sister bonding with Feyre, the IC being surprised at their guilt, and family drama, and a new years eve scene I’m OBSESSED WITH! 

Link-https://ncssian.tumblr.com/post/634914201479069696/a-favor-masterlist

#acosf #acosf fic #acotar #acotar fanfiction #nessian fanfiction

[ncssian]

I haven’t read Acotar but I’ve read snippets online lmao and kinda get the jizzzzz. I keep seeing it as highly recommended and I know there’s still books to be released and I keep seeing the whole 3 sisters and 3 brothers gets together thing and that sounds boring (no shade to anyone preferring that). Anyways is it still worth the read? Does it live up to the hype?

Thanks.

sjm is the most frustrating white woman i’ve ever dealt with in my life and that’s coming from someone who reads dark romance

acotar is badly written and each book takes five years (no exaggeration) to come out only to be worse than the one that came before it. sure some parts of it are buzzy but unless you’re a fey/sand lover it’s hell on earth out here. acotar single-handedly created the badly written fantasy romance genre, causing a decade’s worth of damage to fictional straight couples everywhere. the elain love triangle is one of the worst things to happen to society

i would recommend just reading acotar fic honestly, they have the same characters but most are better plotted than the books. or if you want fun low quality writing with a buzzy enemies to lovers romance, read shatter me. i read it in 2016 right after reading acotar for the first time and it’s basically the same high with way less of a headache

#ncssian asks #anti sjm

[forthemorefortunate]

Live Like Animals

Nessian Modern AU

Merry Chris-  er, happy New Year to my secret snowflake!  @ncssian 💕😅

I hope you like the fic! I’ll be honest, when I filled out the application for the secret snowflake, I said I could make a fic believing that it was very unlikely somebody would ask for one 🥴🤔 But lemme say, I LOVED writing this, which is definitely something I didn’t expect. More than that, I’ve never been much of a Nesta or Nessian fan, but actually thinking through their characters and interactions for this fic gave me a whole new perspective on and appreciation for them (even if I’m not the best at writing their characters, aha), so thank you!

A few quick things about the fic:

(Ik I already told you this, but for anybody else reading this aha) This is my first fic! So please take it easy on me 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

Okay so this part is kind of weird, but there’s kind of a corresponding playlist 😅 Each part is named after a song. You can play the songs while reading or not, I know for me personally (*cough* my ADHD ass) it’s hard to listen to music and read at the same time. The title is also the name of a song! Except that one is more random, haha (I couldn’t think of a title, so I shuffled my entire library and chose the first song as the title, and it kinda worked so I went with it)

One more quick thing – thanks to @moussescientist @ko0mbayamylord @blxckbeak @chanberry @mikitheswiftie @potatoburp @dead-on-the-inside666 @queenoffortunes and two anons for answering a question, and a HUGE thanks to Skye, @oneoutofamillionbooklovers for all your help and for roleplaying the parts I got stuck on with me ❤️

Part 1: Distant Early Warning (Rush)

Nesta pulled the dress over her head, letting it slide into place over her body. Screw this, she thought for the millionth time, yet she continued to get herself ready, turning to glance at her reflection when she was finished. She raised an eyebrow and nodded slightly at the woman looking back through the mirror. The woman Nesta spied had on a satin slip dress, darkest blue. She wore no jewelry save for the small silver studs in her ears, and her hair was pulled into a neat-yet-simple updo.

Why Nesta even agreed to go to this party she didn’t know. There was nothing different about it, just another college booze fest. The music would be too loud, the air too heavy, the guys too grabby, and the company too... clubby. Feyre insisted that she would fit right into her friend group – her clique – but Nesta wasn’t sure she wanted that. She padded over to the door of her apartment. No, Nesta was quite certain that “fitting in” with Feyre’s newfound friends was something she didn’t care for at all.

Nesta’s phone buzzed on her kitchen counter as she slipped on a pair of black heels, and she picked up to Feyre’s forcibly perky voice. “Hey! We just pulled up, you coming?”

“No.” Response blunt, tone dry. The line was silent for a long moment, and Nesta held in a sigh. “Did I give you the impression that I was interested in coming?”

“Nesta, I’m not in the mood for fucking around,” Feyre said, perkiness mysteriously faded now. “It’s just one party! I promise you’ll have fun.” Bullshit.

“Since when have I ever-”

“And everyone else really wants you to come, too!” Feyre cut her off, “Rhys is excited to meet you!”

Rhys. Feyre’s boyfriend. Nesta groaned inwardly, truly dreading any interaction with the rugby star. Feyre had immediately caught the eye of the local heartthrob, and the two began a serious relationship shortly after meeting. And with one came the others. In high school they would have been labeled “popular.” They were quite possibly the closest group of friends at the college, almost all of them having known each other since childhood. And Feyre had slipped right in among them. Nesta had warned Feyre against making the tight pack of fourth-years her main group of friends, and she had her own opinions about a freshman dating a senior, but Feyre didn’t make a habit of following Nesta’s advice. Rather, she seemed to think she could give Nesta – a third-year – much more valuable guidance. Domineering bitch.

“I don’t give a shit about your friends, Feyre. I’m only coming because of our deal,” Nesta said. Feyre had been pestering her all semester, spewing crap about how Nesta and Feyre should spend more time together. Nesta should get out more. Nesta should tag along with Feyre’s friend group. Nesta should have some fun. 

More bullshit. 

As second semester began, Feyre had proposed a deal: Nesta would go to one party with Feyre and her buddies, and if she honestly didn’t enjoy it, Feyre would stop asking her to join them. 

“I’m on my way. Let’s just get it over with,” Nesta grumbled, and with that, she hung up the phone and opened the apartment door.

Part 2: Can You Afford to Be An Individual? (Nothing but Thieves

Nesta looked around the group of fourth-years–plus Feyre–arranged in front of her. Introductions were unnecessary; you couldn’t attend this school without knowing who they were. Her eyes fell first upon Rhys, his arm around Feyre’s waist. His chin lifted slightly as she made eye contact. Rhys: double major in history and foreign policy. President of the astrology club. Captain of the rugby team, possibly one of the best players the school had ever seen. He was the group leader, though nobody said it aloud. Nesta knew him well. Perhaps she only knew his type well, or her own perception of his type, but that didn’t keep her from holding his gaze a few moments longer than would be comfortable. Then she turned her scrutiny on his sidekicks, so she called them, Cassian and Azriel. The former wore jeans and a baggy black jacket over his rugby uniform in the school colors: black and red. The latter wore black pants with a dark blue button-down shirt untucked.

Cassian smirked as her eyes met his. “Glad you decided to make an appearance,” he drawled. She narrowed her eyes at him, and his smile widened in response. Cocky bastard. Azriel, double majoring in political science and criminology, simply nodded at her in greeting.

After the sidekicks came Rhys’s cousin Mor, an architecture major with a minor in design. She was entirely too peppy in a way that left Nesta exhausted, but Nesta wouldn’t give her satisfaction by scoffing at her cocked hip and half-grin, ostensibly projecting confidence. She held Mor’s stare, matching her asserted confidence with a cool security in her own assets. The half-smile twisted, just slightly, and Nesta moved on to the short girl farthest to the right: Amren.

Amren scared people. As in, people were genuinely freaked out by her. Aside from a few cultish tendencies, her occasional propensity for violence and/or verbal outbursts, and her sharp expression, though, Nesta couldn’t tell why. Amren majored in gemology and minored in linguistics, and was the only one in the group other than Feyre to have not known the others since they were little. In fact, she was studying here from abroad, though nobody actually knew where she was from. Unlike Mor, Amren presented a confidence that Nesta could believe in and respect. Nesta maintained her chilled posture, but let the bite in her expression retreat.

As for Feyre’s introducing Nesta, that was unnecessary as well. They all knew her; most upperclassmen did. Or rather they knew of her, by the name of heinous bitch. If she were being honest with herself, she didn’t mind the nickname.

“Okay,” Feyre started, her voice expectant as she tilted her chin to look at Rhys’s face, “Let’s head in?” Feyre, Rhys, and Nesta had met up with the rest of the group in the parking lot before they entered the party. Fashionably late, Feyre had told her on the drive in Rhys’s tesla. Rhys taught me that the key to maintaining his public image is in making grand entrances. God, Nesta wanted to laugh at Rhys’s influence over her.

As they entered the building holding the party Nesta immediately stiffened, and had to close her eyes for a moment against the harsh blue and purple lights cast by PAR cans. All senses at once were smacked by the presence of weed. The floor was vibrating, and speakers blasted near-deafening music so that all Nesta could really hear was thunder. Jesus Christ, I hate parties, she thought. A mass of sweaty bodies shifted and bounced through the too-heavy air ahead of her, some only silhouettes in the murky haze, through which Nesta saw red solo cups littering every possible surface. Suddenly she noticed Feyre standing next to her, fidgeting with her clutch and looking over expectantly. Nesta shot her a withering look that said, “This is not what we agreed to.” Feyre had the nerve to look guilty.

“Okay before you say anything,” Feyre began, “I know that look, and... I know this is a bit bigger than we talked about-”

“A bit?! This is a rager, Feyre. Do I look like I rage?”

“Okay no, but I promise Rhys and I have a plan.” Oh my God.

Nesta gave her another glare and plucked a cup off a nearby table. Sniffing it, she sighed and took a big swig. “Please, my dearest sister, do tell.”

“We’re going with a buddy system.”

Nesta coughed. “A buddy system – are you fucking kidding me?” She spied Rhys and his dickhead friends in the corner of her eye. “Wow, are arts and crafts before or after beer pong?”

Feyre rolled her eyes, calling a fresh wave of frustration to roll over Nesta. “Can you shut it with the attitude, Nesta? I already apologized for the crowd of people – it kind of got out of hand. Rhys told me before we left but I didn’t want to scare you out of coming.” She gave Nesta a pleading look.

“Tch, whatever. Who’s my buddy? I assume you’ll be with Rhys?”

Feyre beamed at her. “You’re paired up with Cassian!”

“Cassian.” Great. Alpha dickhead.

“Don’t be like that. He knows his way around these things and he’ll keep you from accidentally overdosing or blacking out.” 

“Who said that wasn’t my intention?” 

Feyre scrunched her face up. “Either way, you can’t deny that he’s bigger and taller than half the creepy guys here. He’ll keep unwanted attention away.” 

Nesta watched as Rhys, lead hulking rugby bro dickhead, caught sight of her sister and eyed her with what might have been lust or love – Nesta couldn’t decide. Cassian, approaching from Rhys’s side, cut Nesta a slow, purposeful look down and back up to her face. She felt an annoying tingle down her spine as the crowds parted for them. This was going to be a long night.

Part 3: Inhaler (Foals)

They had been at the party for less than ten minutes and Nesta already wanted to leave. Drink in hand, she aimlessly wandered around the outskirts of the crowd, hoping to find a place to sit farther from the lights that drowned out any rational thought that flashed through her brain. Cassian trailed a few steps behind.

“So, what do you do for fun?”

She twisted around to glare at him. “Why are you talking to me?”

Cassian puffed out a laugh and spread his arms wide, responding, “If you don’t recall, we’re kind of stuck together, darling.”

Right. Nesta rolled her eyes. “How could I forget?” Cassian left the question hanging, still following her, so she forged on. “I like to read. A concept that’s probably foreign to you.” She dodged a young couple parting from the fray to make out against the wall, and paused to reorient herself.

“You might be surprised.” Nesta groaned inwardly and arched a brow. “Oh I have no doubt.”

“None at all?”

“What. Are you on volume seven of Captain Underpants?”

“Volume eight, actually.”

Nesta stopped. She was pissed. Pissed at this party, pissed at Feyre for lying about how big it was, pissed that she was stuck with rugby bro sidekick, pissed that the purple lights suddenly seemed a lot brighter, the music a lot louder, her thoughts a lot fuzzier. “Look, Cassian. I only came here as a favor to my sister. We’re not friends.” He started to cut her off, but she continued, turning so that they fully faced each other, “You don’t have to stay, I can take care of myself.”

He leaned in close, the laughter in his tone suddenly gone. “Listen, princess. You’ve had two beers and you’re already tipsy. I get it, we’re not friends. But there are at least four guys looking at you like they want to take you against the nearest surface and I’m the only man within a thirty-foot radius that has any self-control. There’s no way I’m leaving.” He held her gaze firmly.

“So that’s it – I’m just supposed to trust you? My knight in shining armor, here to protect my virtue? That ship sailed a long time ago.” Fuck it. “I wouldn’t mind taking you for a ride though,” Nesta said, flashing a smirk at the end.

Cassian’s lips twisted into a half-grin, but she could see annoyance rising up in his eyes. “Nesta, you don’t wanna play with me.”

“Brute.” Nesta turned and started walking away again.

“Bitch.” He followed.

Nesta scoffed. “How original.”

“Not all of us are English Lit majors.” 

Somehow Nesta tripped on her own foot at that moment, staggering sideways into Cassian’s path. He lunged forward, arms going around her waist to hoist her upright. Her lip curled and she spit out, “And not all of us are rugby stars,” and shoved her way out of his arms.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Cassian asked, incredulous.

“Cassian, I’m sure there are plenty of girls here that would love your attention. But I’m not one of them.” She turned around to face him, walking backwards, and almost tripped again. “So go on and play with someone else. I don’t care. Just leave me alone.” With that, Nesta thrust herself into the fray, pushing her way through the mass of shouting people, making the crowd a barrier between herself and Cassian.

Part 4: Emergency (Nothing but Thieves)

After five minutes of random college students bumping into her from every direction, her head pounding and thoughts muddled, Nesta realized she didn’t know which direction the exit was in. Fuck. She was disoriented and exasperated, her frustration now showing in her usually unshakable expression. She couldn’t even tell which direction the light was coming from. How many beers had she drunk? Two? Three? She wasn’t usually a drinker, and it hit her then that she hadn’t eaten for hours before the party started. Stupid, she thought. This was why she didn’t do parties.

She was so distracted trying to figure out where the light source was, trying to get her bearings at least, that she didn’t catch sight of a brooding figure wending its way toward her until the man had a hold of her wrist and was pulling her to the side of the room, wherever that was. 

“Hey! Get the fuck off me!” Nesta shouted over the crowd, but couldn’t get a response from the man until they found one of the cinder block walls.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” he asked, his voice cruel as he tried to pull her closer. “We’re just having a bit of fun, that’s all.”

“Excuse me?” Nesta ripped free of his grasp, but he backed her into a corner. He had a drink in one hand. Not good.

“Hey, hey, no need to get worked up,” he drawled, “I saw the way you were looking at me.” Looking at him? Nesta thought. This was the first she’d seen of him.

Nesta tried to step to the side, but the man followed her, his senses keener than hers in her condition. He reached out for her arm again, and Nesta shouted this time. “Don’t touch me!”

He put his hand up as if in innocence. “Come now, I’ll make it fun for you. Just have a drink.” He brought the cup toward her face, his hand now reaching behind her head, which she snatched away.

“I swear to God, can’t you bastards understand that no means no?”

“You-”

“Get the fuck away from me, creep!” She aimed a kick at his groin, but he easily dodged it.

His mouth hardened into a line, and he growled, “Just take the damn drink, bitch!”

The man shoved her into the corner, her head hitting the wall. He brought his hand up to hold her back by her shoulders as he brought the cup up toward her lips and-

“Let me go or I promise you’ll regret it.” Last resort. 

He shot her a crooked grin and began to reply, but whatever response he had in mind was cut short.

A voice from behind him said, “And she never goes back on a promise, asshole.” The man was wrenched off her body by two strong hands, and pulled over to the side to give her an out, which she quickly took advantage of.

And there, dragging the man away from her, was Cassian.

The creep tried to play it cool. “Hey, Cassian, bro, what’s up, man?” he said mock-casually, “I caught your last game! great playing, dude!” His demeanor shifted completely as he turned on his bro mode.

Cassian’s jaw was set. He tightened his grip on the man’s shoulder, his stare withering. “You need to leave. Right now.”

Yet the man kept going with a smirk, “It’s all good bro, we can share.” 

That was a step too far.

Cassian grabbed the man’s shirt, pulling him close. “That’s the thing – I don’t share. I don’t play nice.” Cassian thrust his face forward so they were only a couple inches apart. “You said you caught my last game, right? So you know I don’t go down without a fight. Touch her again and you’ll regret it.” With that, he shoved the guy into a table, and turned to Nesta. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

Part 5: Before We Drift Away (Nothing but Thieves)

Dizzy and shaken, Nesta let Cassian guide her through the crowd to the exit. Once they were outside in the cool night air, he pulled her aside, gaze dark.

“Did he hurt you?”

“No.”

“Did he force you to drink whatever was in that cup?”

“No.”

His eyes closed and relief flooded across his face. “Good. God, some people are fucked up. I don’t know what I would have done if he had drugged you, or taken you away, or...” He trailed off, leaving anything further than that unsaid. 

They were silent for a minute. Nesta looked up at him, a bit of worry still etched across his features. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you care so much?”

He looked over to her, something strange in his expression that Nesta couldn’t place. “I don’t know. You’re a human being, and your safety was left in my hands.” He paused and looked away. “If I’m being honest, when I saw that guy put his hands on you... I don’t know. Something flipped inside me.” At that moment he looked down to her bare shoulders, noticing that she was beginning to shiver. “You’re cold,” he said softly. “Here, take this.” He removed his jacket and draped it over her shoulders, even when she protested.

Nesta frowned as she gave in and pulled his jacket tightly around her, annoyed at the way her body betrayed her. “I don’t need protection. I’ve lived a long time without people to care about me.” She started walking toward the parking lot, and he followed.

“You shouldn’t have to live like that, Nesta. You’ve been pushing me away all night, but listen to me – don’t you understand? I’m not just talking to you because I’m bored. I don’t smile at you as a game, as if you’re some prize for me to win. Can’t you see by now that I’m doing literally everything I can just to stay by your side? Damn it, I asked Feyre to pair us together at the party.”

Nesta had stopped walking and was speechless for once.

Cassian stepped closer tentatively, as though she’d back away. He ran a finger over Nesta’s wrist and looked up to the sky. “Please, just don’t make me say anything else completely insane. I promise I’m not in the habit of sharing intense moments with perfect strangers.”

A rush of anger coursed through Nesta, and she shoved him back. “Don’t,” she said. “Don’t talk to me like that. Despite what you must think, I’m not an idiot. I’m not naive. I am well aware that this is all a favor to my sister. Stay with my lame, antisocial sister. It might be fun, right?” She paused, any restraint she had used earlier having completely abandoned her.

“That’s not what I think at all, Nes-”

“Fuck you, Cassian.” She shoved him again, more aggressively this time.

Cassian caught her wrists and pulled her closer. “Try that again.”

Nesta glared. “Bite me,” she spit out.

“Maybe I will.”

And as though drawn to her by some gravitational force, Cassian’s mouth came crashing down onto hers. He wrapped his arms around her waist, seeming to lift her off her feet. Nesta’s bare skin burned where Cassian touched her, and she pushed back against his touch to gain control. Everything, every thought was fading to nothing. Biting down on his lip drew out a low groan from Cassian, and Nesta broke free.

Cassian put his hands up as though to make a barrier between them, as though he wouldn’t be able to control himself without it. 

“So much for being the only man with self-control,” Nesta said. Cassian just shook his head, earning a light snort from Nesta. “I shut everyone out--even pretty jocks like you. Don’t take it personally. It’s just easier.”

Cassian smiled his easy smile, and he reached up to touch his lips with a thumb. “You think I’m pretty?”

Nesta scoffed. “The prettiest.”

He stood there for a moment, just smiling at her, before turning back toward the parking lot. “Okay, princess, allow me to introduce you to the pinnacle of after-party activities.”

Nesta raised a brow, and Cassian let out a bark of laughter.

“Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about pancakes.”

She looked skeptical. “Pancakes?”

“Yes. And after the night you had, you deserve an entire plate of them.” Cassian reached out to her with his big, warm hand, and Nesta hesitated.

“Cassian-” She started warily.

“Hey – I’m not asking you to marry me, it’s just pancakes.”

Nesta waited a moment more, then took his hand. “Fine. But I’m not sharing the chocolate sauce.”

“I wouldn’t dare ask you to. Besides, you already know how I feel about sharing.”

Nesta smiled a bit. “Hey Cassian?

“Yes Nesta?”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

#ahhh i'm kind of terrified #first fic #please like it #also side note #i uh i kinda fell in love with your blog #you're awesome #I hope you like it! #and you're so sweet too? #what you responded to my anons was so encouraging ahhh #secret snowflake #god i'm so nervous akjhfkjh #nessian #nessian fic #nessian modern au #modern au nessian #acotar #acotar modern au #acotar college au #acomaf #acowar #a court of thorns and roses #acofas #acosf #nesta archeron #cassian #bat boys #inner circle #archeron #nesta and cassian #nessian fanfic

[ladynestaarcheron]

Invisible String - Chapter Three

ao3 - ff.net - masterpost

(tagging these cuties: @iammissstark @sayosdreams @ncssian @westrangecollectionkoalaposts @queenestarcheron @nessiantrashh @ko0mbayamylord @skychild29 @sensitiveillyrian)

thanks so much for your patience everyone<3 here’s chapter three!

---

Azriel remembers the exact moment his bond with Nesta snapped into place; that first inhale of breath after it. How cold and crisp it had seemed; like her, maybe. For a brief moment, he had seen it all unfurl in his mind. If he were not in love with another, if her sister did not call to him so, if his brother did not so clearly desire her with every bone in his body...how they might tell their story.

But it had only been for a moment, and every one after only further solidified what he knew: this bond would not be a traditional one.

That doesn't make it any better when it breaks with her death.

It takes him back to that first breath with Nesta, this first breath without her. It hurts to breathe, and then it doesn't get better-it gets worse. Because Rhys asks him what's wrong.

And now he has to be the one to tell them. Feyre, so nervous and guilty all the time now. Cassian, utterly heartbroken and trying his best not to let it show. And Elain, hiding from him.

And the knowledge that this...empathy, this innate knowing of his family's feelings...that that is-was Nesta's. Nesta, and how she saw everything about everyone and catalogued it and sometimes felt it herself...that is gone. He'll never have that again. That...caring.

But she was his only chance. He was never going to feel joy so easily like Mor; he's always known that. But Nesta, though she did not know, helped him see it more clearly. Recognize the light in the world, even when she was in such a dark place herself. He had never thanked her. Never even...

"Az?" Rhys says again, putting a hand on his shoulder, bringing him back. He blinks to see Feyre and Cassian looking at him, concerned.

He can't meet their gaze. Shit. Shit. How did this-he should've seen, should've known. Felt it, perhaps. But now there's only this void, this nothing where Nesta once lay-

"Sit down," Cassian says, moving him into a chair. "Mor-yeah. Az, drink this."

Oh, Mother, how's he going to tell Cassian? How can he do this?

"No," he croaks, pushing Cassian's hand away. So generous and caring, even though his bond with Nesta hurt him so much. Azriel doesn't deserve him.

"What is it?"

He can't do it. He can't. This is the cruelest twist of fate there is, surely. Cassian doesn't deserve this. Azriel shouldn't be the one to tell him-it shouldn't be happening at all-how did this even happen?

"Az!" Cassian slaps him in the face.

"You think that's going to help?" Feyre demands. "He obviously needs a healer."

"No," he says, more forcefully, standing up. "I...we have to...sit. Stay here a moment." He needs to get a grip on himself. Send a shadow to tell Nuala to get Elain and seat her here, too. She and Feyre should be together for this. And Amren...she had been Nesta's friend, once.

How is this falling to him? How is he supposed to do this?

A few minutes pass until Elain shuffles into the room, exchanging a bewildered look with Feyre. They still do not know. They haven't even asked him if this is something to do with Nesta.

But he has to tell them. Now.

He's the worst person in the world for this. He wishes, so intensely it burns, that she were here. What he wouldn't give for her perception right now-how cruel that he does not get to keep a part of her-as if it should have been him who had gotten any of her, when it so clearly was the wrong choice this whole time-

"Azriel?" Elain's soft voice calls him back. She hasn't spoken to him in a week. This is their first conversation in a week. He doesn't doubt it will be their last.

Everyone he loves is gathered around him, sitting, gazing at him. Only Amren's head is turned, staring at nothing. Perhaps she's figured it out.

He takes a deep breath-dull, stale, so unlike that fresh one months ago.

"I'm so sorry to tell you this," he says, voice quiet. He forces himself to meet Elain's eye. She reaches a hand out to Feyre, like she can feel what's coming. Perhaps she can See it. He swallows, daring a glance at Cassian. It's too much to say-he can't force the words. "The bond broke a few minutes ago." He stops for breath. Can't look. Can't do this. "I can't feel Nesta anymore." Don't look. Don't. "She's gone."

When Azriel was a child, he was left largely to grow in a darkened room by himself. He would be let out for an hour a day, and once a week he was permitted to see his mother. So either the Mother has extended Her mercy upon him by allowing him to answer the shadows that beckoned him or he managed to wring life in the darkness by his own sheer will, but either way, that power eludes him now. Every second that passes is excruciating, perfect in its misery and pain, and there is no reprieve. Every second anew brings Elain's screaming sobs, Feyre's hyperventilating, and the dead, broken look in Cassian's eyes. Over and over again, endlessly, and he thinks it's all he'll hear and see forever.

Until she walks in the door.

Nesta stomps her way out of the house, fuming to herself. She ripped herself apart, and for what? It's what everyone wanted, so why are they acting like this is a greater sin than the existence of the bond she has severed? Surely this is what they all wanted. But instead she gets Elain's tears and Feyre's self-righteous horror and Azriel won't look at her and Cassian's not even there.

She isn't crazy. This was what everyone wanted. This was the only way they could go back to...what they had before. That wasn't perfect, and it certainly wasn't normal, but it was better than the alternative.

Her rage clouds her vision as she leaves the house, she nearly misses the bit of ripple in the shadows of her sister's garden behind her.

"You!" she calls out angrily, whipping around before she even realizes what she's doing. "You come back here!"

Azriel steps out of nothing, bowing his head, his hands clasped together in front of him, the picture of submission. But his scarring, his massive wings, the knives she can see hidden on his person make him look like a parody of a manservant. She remembers the fear she felt for herself and Elain when he first stepped into her father's house, but that's gone now.

After a few seconds of silence, he says, "Can I help you with anything?"

She can't help herself. She laughs bitterly. "You are so full of shit." She shakes her head, laughing still, mockingly, as she settles down in the shade of a tree.

She can see Azriel hesitate in her periphery. He can't stand her, she knows. But he doesn't want to leave her here, near mad in his eyes, out of obligation to Feyre.

"You got off easy, you know," she says to him. "You didn't have to do anything. I did all the work."

She closes her eyes and tilts her head back. He's quiet, and she thinks he's gone. But then he says, the rage in his voice almost mirroring what she feels inside, "If you think it was easy feeling the bond severed, and knowing it meant that you were dead, and feeling that alone in front of your sisters and Cassian, you are out of your mind, and maybe as selfish as Rhys thinks you are."

Nesta's eyes snap open. She stares at him, frozen for a moment before she feels her cheeks color a bit. She does not cower under his unblinking gaze, but it takes her by surprise.

"You didn't want the bond," she says.

He doesn't say anything. He never does, Nesta thinks to herself. And she'd get lost inside of herself with someone as quiet as him.

But then he sits down next to her. "I didn't," he says softly. "But I didn't want you to die."

"I didn't die."

"Well, we didn't know that then."

Nesta turns her head to his. "I was the worst person you could imagine to be bonded to," she says. "You hated me. You're happy with this."

He is quiet for more than a few seconds. "You are not the worst person I could imagine. You're not a bad person. And I certainly don't hate you. I admire you. But yes...I think we'll both be happier without this."

Nesta releases a breath she has been holding subconsciously. "We're not right for each other."

"I agree."

"Then why is everyone acting this way," she says, shaking voice falling flat, because she doesn't care about everyone.

"Because it was dangerous."

That makes Nesta want to scream. "How come everyone's choices get respected, danger aside, except mine?" she demands. "And don't tell me that I took away your choice, because you wanted this too."

"I understand your frustration," he says, and she knows he's not trying to be condescending, that that's just how he talks, but all things Holy, it irritates her. "I'm sure you understand Elain and Cassian's emotions better than I do. You're incredibly empathetic."

She wants to reply, but she can't. He said his name, and she doesn't trust her tongue enough to open her mouth.

"I admire your tenacity," Azriel says, sitting down next to her, "and insightfulness and cunning and nerve. I've felt your soul. I know how deeply you feel. I can imagine how hurt you are. The time you and I were...bonded, it taught me how to feel out other people's emotions. I...value that. I value you for that."

She hates him for being the first person to say that to her. She hates him for being the one who's come after her.

"Some advice...about Cassian," he says, voice low. She stills. "He likes to take care of those he loves. He doesn't always realize what he needs, though."

What he needs, she grumbles to herself. What about what she needs? Has anyone offered Nesta an apology, a cup of tea, a shower?

"It's so odd," Azriel says, a faint smile on his lips.

"What?"

"To see you...and know you must be thinking something. But not be able to tell anymore. You appear quite impassive, you know."

Nesta tuts. "Look who's talking."

"Touché," he says, and she's almost calm enough to laugh.

"I'm not impassive," she says softly.

"I know. You just appear that way." He hesitates. Considers his words carefully. "I don't think...anyone believes you're emotionless, Nesta."

"I don't care," she says automatically.

"I never minded your quiet," he continues, as though she had not spoken, "but you should know that Cassian likes to talk. About emotions. Sometimes."

"Stop talking about him."

He shrugs and settles into silence beside her. They stay that way for a few minutes, before Nesta breaks it.

"I suppose...Elain's feeling guilty. And hurt. Though I don't think she has good enough reason to be," she adds. "But..."

But Cassian should have come back by now. Morrigan has told him she is here. So where is he?

"If you don't think she has reason to be hurt, are you going to talk to her?"

Nesta thinks. "Yes," she decides, standing up.

"Right now? I thought you said it was best to give her space-"

"She's had enough space. I'm sick of waiting. Enough of my life has been wasted on this rubbish. No offense," she adds after a beat.

He grins, wider than she's ever seen him. "None taken."

"I'm going to talk to her now," she says. "You can talk to her after, if you'd like. Or don't. I don't care."

"You know, Nesta," he says, walking beside her up back to the house. "I consider you a friend."

She stops to look at him. "You're all right, I suppose," she says finally. She falters in the doorway and turns back around to face him. "Actually. I'm glad it was you."

His eyes widen slightly and she hurries to explain. "So we could break it," she says. "And now we're free. Forever. And we're fine."

"If you want to talk to Cassian," he says, walking backwards towards the house's shadows, "I suggest you do so sometime today."

He disappears into nothing, but she's already inside, rushing to find her sister. This ends today.

#nesta archeron #azriel #head empty no thoughts so i'm just gonna post this

[lady-therion]

Thank you, loves

Hello dear readers, 

I wanted to take some time to express how grateful I am for this fandom, my followers, and even the lurkers and anons who lurk in the shadows of my blog (I see you and I’m glad you’re here!). 2020 has been a real beast for me. 

Pandemic and US election aside, the toll of world events, personal events, and career events has impacted my writing (and my ability to write) much more than I thought it would. But I note every comment and every ask and I want you to know that all of it keeps me going - trust me, your kind notes, thoughts, and reblogs go a long way to bringing me back to my happy place. Slowly, but surely, my creative engine is turning again.

I also wanted to thank these kind folks who’ve mentioned me in Thanksvember or recommended the work on my masterlist. This is only the tip of the iceberg, but truly - if my writing has in any way at all, made your days better, that’s more than I could ask for :,) 

@noodlecatposts

@sayosdreams

@anidealiveson

@ncssian

@wyrd-syster​

Love, justice, and smut for all

-Marie 

#thanksvember #acotar #tog #twk #nessian #elriel #jurdan

[secretlynestaarcheron]

ANGSTMAS DAY 10 

Nessian AU // Exile 

requested by @ncssian

I am not the best at interpreting songs but I tried my best :)

I can see you standing, honey. With his arms around your body. Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all. And it took you five whole minutes. To pack us up and leave me with it. Holdin' all this love out here in the hall

Cassian pauses on the sidewalk, the window was open and he could see Nesta throwing her head back laughing as she shoved someone next to her. Feyre had told Cassian about him, Nesta had met him at work a few weeks ago, apparently he had been asking her out for months and she finally said yes. 

They had only been broken up for a month and half. She hadn’t told Cassian about him. 

He hadn’t even wanted to come to the annual Christmas party Feyre and Rhysand threw every year. If he had known Nesta and her new boy toy would be here he wouldn’t have bothered to come. 

He trudges up the walkway, he was close enough to her laugh, an unfamiliar chuckle following her gorgeous laugh. Cassian doubted that he was that funny, what could he possibly be saying that was making her laugh that hard. 

He didn’t understand how she could move on so quickly when he felt empty inside every time he got home from work. They hadn’t officially moved in together but she was there more than him. Spending the night and doing her homework there between shifts and classes. He wasn’t used to her not being there. 

He hated unlocking his door to a dark and still house. He missed her. 

I think I've seen this film before. And I didn't like the ending. You're not my homeland anymore. So what am I defending now?. You were my town, now I'm in exile, seein' you out. I think I've seen this film before. Ooh, ooh, ooh

He leans in again the brick archway of his friends house, listening to the hum of Christmas music and laughter fill the space. He could hear the clink of pots and pans, Rhysand and Feyre must still be preparing dinner. He looks back to see his car already covered in snow. 

He wondered what would have happened if this was one of those fluffy romcom movies she loved to watch. He never understood the point, two people would meet, fall in love, then live happily ever after. He never understood why she watched them when they all ended the same. 

What would their story have been like if someone was writing their happily ever after? 

Would they not have all those petty fights? Would he not have left her countless nights to drink with Rhysand or box with Azriel? Would she not have skipped out on the many dates he had planned to try and rekindle their light? 

He knows the end wasn’t good, he knows they were both bitter and unhappy, picking fights on everything and anything. He couldn’t help but remember the good, the beginning, how they were passionate about one another. How couldn’t they spend every minute together. She was his everything. 

What changed? 

He gripped the doorknob, pushing open the door, the air warming his skin as Feyre peeks out from the kitchen. “Cassian, you made it!” she exclaims. He nods, taking off his jacket and hanging it on the coat rack. He can feel Nesta’s eyes but he can’t look at her. He can’t see her cuddled into another side. “Come pour yourself a drink!” 

I can see you starin', honey. Like he's just your understudy. Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me. Second, third, and hundredth chances. Balancin' on breaking branches. Those eyes add insult to injury

She tried not to notice. 

She tried to stay focused on the words her date was saying. He was talking about some hike he had taken with his dad a few months prior. She nodded along but his words were going in one ear and out the other. 

She could feel Cassian’s eyes every now and then. He was standing across the room, drinking in hand and talking with Azriel and Mor, wearing the burgundy sweater she had gotten him a few Christmas’ ago. Did he realize? Did he realize what he was doing to her? 

She still loved him. It was clear to everyone that she was just in love with him now then she was years ago. She hadn’t taken the decision lightly to break it off. She had sat in his apartment for four days before he finally returned. He muttered excuses about Rhysand and Azriel but she could smell the alcohol on his breath and he had fresh bruises. He was fighting again. 

She was in med school, she had two jobs to try and get her through the program, she couldn’t handle worrying and wondering about him whenever he decided to disappear.

So step right out, there is no amount. Of crying I can do for you. All this time. We always walked a very thin line. You didn't even hear me out (You didn't even hear me out). You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs). All this time. I never learned to read your mind (Never learned to read my mind). I couldn't turn things around (You never turned things around). 'Cause you never gave a warning. sign (I gave so many signs). So many signs, so many signs. You didn't even see the signs

She’d see this ending before. She lived through it. She had given him the signs. Basically wrote it out for him but he was too oblivious or naive to notice. Their relationship was something she would always cherish but it wasn’t ideal. 

She couldn’t be with someone that couldn’t see the signs.  

#angstmas 2020 #nessian au #nessian fanfic #nesta x cassian au #nesta x cassian fanfic #acotar au #acotar fanfic

[moodymelanist]

Are you still taking prompts? If so, Elain wearing the jacket™, for Elucien.

hell yeah I am. the jacket but make it ✨modern college au✨

let’s say this is a continuation of the mean girl Elain prompt I did for @ncssian for funsies 😌

Elain slammed the door of the frat house behind her, fuming as she walked down the steps and back towards campus. Her now ex boyfriend was a complete asshole, her sorority sister could kiss her ass, it was fucking freezing—

She was barely paying attention to where her feet were going as she wrapped her arms around herself, shivering from the chilly October winds. She hadn’t even thought to bring a jacket to this stupid Halloween party, since she’d expected Grayson to either drive her home or pay for an uber. She would’ve called one herself but her phone was only on two percent; she thought it was better to save it for an emergency just in case she needed it.

She couldn’t help but think about how much fun she’d been having just a little over an hour ago. Everyone had been getting ready for the Halloween party together and she’d decided to dress up as a rabbit, complete with a gray bodysuit, pink leggings, and a headband with bunny ears on it. She’d been so excited to see Graysen’s reaction to her costume but he hadn’t been on the main floor when she’d gotten to the frat house, so she’d gone looking for him upstairs.

And promptly discovered him swapping tongues with one of her sorority “sisters.” Ianthe Bishop could choke for all Elain was concerned, sisterhood be damned. Graysen hadn’t even cared enough to argue when she’d told him that they were over, let alone enough to follow her outside.

It normally took her about five minutes to walk back to her sorority house, but there was no way she could go back there tonight. Her younger sister lived in a dorm about fifteen minutes away on campus and Elain decided to go there instead, knowing Feyre would be in for the night since she had an important project to turn in for one of her art classes on Monday.

The longer she walked the more upset Elain got, and eventually she was full-on crying. Her tears made the wind even worse on her face but she didn’t want to take away the limited heat her arms were giving her to wipe them away.

She was walking in front of the library when someone checked her shoulder painfully hard. She looked up and recognized the shoulder-length red hair just before she said, “Watch where you’re fucking going.”

“What the hell is the matter with you?” Lucien snapped. He pulled a headphone out of one ear before crossing his arms over his chest. “It was an accident.”

“Whatever,” she grumbled. She tried to go around him but he moved to block her path. “What do you want?”

“You look terrible,” he said bluntly. “And you must be freezing.”

“Careful, babe,” she replied, the word acrid on her tongue. It was what she called Graysen but usually it was much sweeter leaving her lips. “Someone might think you care.”

Lucien sighed and started taking things out of the jacket he was wearing. It was a dark green color that complimented his hair nicely, and even though she was tempted to say he looked like an upside down carrot, she held her tongue when she realized he was offering it to her.

“I don’t care, but I’m not a dick,” he said. “Besides, French class would be a lot less interesting if you died of hypothermia. Just take it.”

She did as he asked. His jacket was much too big on her, but it was thick and warm and smelled like him. “Thank you.”

He gave her a lazy salute before continuing on his way. She pretended that she didn’t watch him go.

#acotar #acosf #elain archeron #lucien vanserra #elain x lucien #elucien prompts #mean girl Elain #THE JACKET #modern college au #class clown Lucien #graysen sucks