#anyway juan loves his family so much and wanted to feel included but he was misguided and none of them gave him a break | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thesolotomyhan · 4 years

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narcos: dating them would include: gustavo gaviria hc

Tags: @fandomnerd16 @visintaes @sheeshgivemeabreak

let me know if you want to be added/taken off the tag list!

Warnings: NSFW!

ok, when I think of gustavo being in a relationship i can imagine it being full of pure bliss,

your relationship would make both of your hearts full for one another even when you’re not even looking at each other-

gustavo would need someone who is always on his side but also the complete opposite of his anxious ass,,

wow you would basically be the cushion he can fall back on at the end of the day without criticism from anyone. you would be his home :)

like whenever you see him scribbling all these numbers down in his little notepad for pablo, tirelessly working his mind off,,

you would be the one to pull him away, from his constant state of stress and help him breathe,,

“espérame otros 5 minutos bebé, ya casi acabo”

“gustavo, eso dijiste hace 2 horas, no va a pasar nada con tomarte un descanso, vamos” as your giving him like a shoulder rub, already seeing him relaxing in your touch,,,

god, gustavo is an affection whore,,i know he loves it when you run your hands through his hair, give him kisses, or even hugging him,,, just always touching him, your mere presence calms him and clears his mind,,

i feel like gustavo wouldnt be into taking you out to fancy dates, or clubs, he gives me more of, i’ll take you out to lunch instead, vibe,, c a s u a l

he’s not into publicity or showing you off in front of others that aren’t apart of the family-

but he wouldnt mind you holding his hand or giving him a quick kiss in front of others,, he actually likes that kind of stuff when you’re loving up on him,,

he would also be someone who likes to hold you from behind with his arms across your chest, holding you close to him,, where he might rock the both of you back and forth-

ok, but literally the cutest shit is when you come up to him after he spends all day at pablo’s house, just taking his hat off when you’re in front of him and giving him a sweet kiss,,

the little laugh he’ll give when you do that as he wraps one of his arms around you…

you would probably spend a lot of your time at pablo’s house with gustavo anyways because he would prefer to keep you nearby and not at home waiting for him-

omg, but also being best friends with tata would be a bonus,, just having an attached to the hip type of relationship with her-

, the two of you spilling chisme about pablo and gustavo when youre together,,,

just the perfect girl time with her-

ok listen, you would also be the favorite tia with pablo’s kids,,

just thinking about how you would always be down to play fútbol with juan pablo, or do whatever manuela’s heart desires from you,,

just being that tia that secretly gives them candies before dinner and doing water gun fights with them?? Please omg

like the idea that you would be chasing them around the hacienda, full on laughing until you’re soaked from head to toe,,

there also might of been multiple times when the 3 of you teamed up and snuck up on tio gustavo who was taking a smoke break-

ugh, pablo would be laughing at the sight of gustavo swearing and chasing after the 3 of you-

wow ok also the thought of gustavo just watching you do all these things for those kids, how you never turn down any of their requests, would have him admiring you even more if it’s possible, his mujer

now is he going to have baby fever after he sees you do literally anything for that pair of kids? Maybe :))

god ok the longing look he would give you when he sees you walking into the room,,,

even tho youre not even looking in his direction because you would be talking with tata or something,

but gustavo would forget whatever tf he was talking to with pablo about and just stare at you, the smallest smile showing- omg

Pablo would endlessly tease gustavo for being soft with you even though he adores your relationship and you even more for keeping his cousin happy-

dragging him along to the family events for him to enjoy too, the amused look he would have as he watches you tug him forward to listen to pablo’s speech in front of everyone,,

i- he just gives me the feeling that he would put up with a lot your things just to see the excitement in your eyes-

like deep down he really loves it when you force him to do things,,

can you imagine having late night conversations with him, out on the bench by the pool, where you would be cuddled into his side,

just sitting there for hours with the soft fucking looks you would give each other, talking about everything,,

him singing the songs that would come on the radio to you, omg hold on

and most of the times, pablo and tata would come join you guys

probably listening to the dumb things they used to do as kids, just, sharing laughs and stories until it gets so late, you’re falling asleep against gustavos chest,,,

fuck, ok but pablo telling gustavo when he sees that you fell asleep-

“no vayas a dejar ir a esa mujer, marica”

just- the way he would look down at you, peacefully sleeping, giving you a soft kiss on top of your head

the feel of the ring that sits inside of his pocket has him chuckling back at pablo,, and imagining how pretty it would look on your hand instead, Im not ok im sorry

NSFW:

ok here we gooo,,

so first off I have this picture in mind where he would be doing his financial things for the cartel out in this outdoor lawn table,-

just looking over the papers in front of him, writing down numbers with like a cigarette in between his lips,

as he just lets himself fall back into his chair, looking down at where you are, on your knees in front of him,,

moving your hair out of your face so he can see you better as you blow him-

just,,, the low groans he’ll let out when he sees you take all of him into your mouth-

“hijo de puta”-

running his hands over his face when he lets his head fall back, trying not to just fucking thrust into your mouth because he wants to see you gag so badly, but he holds himself back,,

he’ll be gripping the arm rest so hard it might break when he looks down again and sees the drool dripping from your lips as you bob you head -ok

so i see gustavo being someone who likes to take his time with you when he has time- a slowburn tempo

just kissing every part of your exposed skin each time he takes something new off of you, caressing wherever he can touch you-

he would know what spots would get you to respond to him quicker and what would have you gripping him harder-

wanting to see you slowly fall apart,,,

i feel like he would love to focus so much of his attention to your chest,especially when your on top of him,,

because I know gustavo likes being topped ok,,

just leaving as many marks as he can there- kissing and kneading you’re breasts as he watches you cave your head back,,

he would move his hands to your ass where he’ll encourage you to move your body to grind down on him, smiling against you when he hears you sigh his name out as you place your hands against his chest and move along with his movements,,

god, the way his hands would move to wander all over your back when you reach between the two of you to grasp his cock and slowly sink down onto him, your hands moving to grip his hair as an anchor,,

he would let you adjust to him for as long as you need as he kisses your neck, letting you take the reins and control the speed whenever youre on top-

he’ll just watch you closely, loving the way you dig your nails into his shoulders as you try so hard to reach your high, once you start bouncing on him,,

wow, the way how he only needs to thrust just once up into you to see you lose your momentum,

moving his hands up and down your legs when you plant your hands on his chest to steady yourself, -

probably teases you for getting distracted so easily,-

“sigue, pensé que vos quería esto”,- ok

the slow sex,omg

like i can imagine youre on your back with him on top of you, the both of you having your chests touching, nothing being able to get between the two of you,

your face right in front of his as he brings his hand to rest on your chest, slowly but harshly thrusting into you with your legs wrapped around his hips,,

god, his thrusts would have your body moving up on the bed, to the point where you have to put your hand against the headboard to stop yourself from hitting it-

he’ll just be whispering to you how beautiful you look taking him in as he leaves marks on the underside of your jaw,,

his thrusts gradually picking up speed as he moves to kiss your lips, muffling your moans,, as one of your hands come to tug on his hair-

his own hand would come up and hold the back of your neck when he feels you close to your orgasm, just wanting to see the way you roll your eyes back-

*and cuddling afterwards would be his shit,,

nothing makes his heart warm than having you laying on his chest, mindlessly drawing patterns

your legs tangled with his as he holds you close, the smell of his fresh cigarette filling the room, both of your breaths slowly coming back as the two of you smile into each other,, -

god, and he would also be the mf to call you, when you’re not with him, to be ready for him when he gets home after a long day,,

“ahorita llego en 15 minutos, te quiero en la cama esperándome”

wanting nothing than to relieve his stress by seeing you under him, moaning his name-

fuck,, just needing to feel you clench around him again while you move your hips up into him, your hair becoming a mess from his hold on it- wow

#narcos imagine #narcos imagines #gustavo gaviria #gustavo gaviria x reader #narcos

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whenspideywrites · 4 years

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jj x latinx/hispanic reader headcanon

as promised, im posting my first jj writing to celebrate 50 awesome followers!

a/n: this is my first time writing on tumblr. i never planned to, but everytime i watch outerbanks i notice how jj has a lil obsession with yucatan and saying stuff in spanish.

im kind of curious where that comes from and the idea of him dating someone hispanic/latinx popped into my head.

anyways, i just wanted to write this for all of the hispanic/latinx peeps. hope y’all can relate, im mexican sooo some of it is based off of my life, but I also include stuff that can apply to all hispanic/latinx cultures.

i hope you like it!

- watching spanish films or novelas, especially the black and white classics

- of course you would put on subtitles for jj, but he’s picked up some words from listening to you speak spanish ( or in a certain dialect or indigenous language)

- sometimes he would just admire you being so focused on the film and watch you occasionally quote the next scene under your breath, since you remember watching those films and shows growing up

- celebrating traditional holidays together with your family

- you and him going over to your parents house to celebrate el dia de los reyes with the traditional bread

- you explained to jj that there were baby figurines hidden in the bread and whoever gets one, then they make the tamales for christmas

- a few seconds into munching on the bread and JJ realized he got it after biting on the hard, white plastic. everyone cheered and laughed at the poor boy with big eyes staring at the little baby figurine

- “ i can barely make a sandwich “

- “don’t worry i’ll teach you baby”

- the day before Christmas Eve, jj and you helped make tamales with your mom. your mom put you and jj to knead la masa. there would be a few moments where jj would intertwined his fingers with yours, which made you blush.

- but, you slapped his hand away signaling him to get back to work because your mom has a strict schedule when it comes to the food

- him being mind blown from tasting tamales and your mom giving him plate after plate

- visiting family

- your tias would be all over him and your tios and primos would tease him and call him el gringo

- but over time they all warmed up to him and he’s always welcome to family events.

- you would invite him over whenever there was a get together for soccer games and boxing matches on tv

- playing la lotería with your family

- one night he was reading the cards out loud

- but there would be little giggles from everyone when he pronounced something wrong or it would just sound funny when he said them

- “el árbol, wey” your tio yelled after jj’s numerous failed attempts to pronounce it correctly

- “el árbol wey” jj repeated

- everyone bursted out laughing

- he makes an effort to learn and speak spanish with family members

- but sometimes he would look at you if he needs help finishing a sentence

- one time you left him alone with your tias and you remember looking at him, who looked terrified at not knowing what to say or what they were saying

- “never leave me alone”

- “don’t worry, i’ll get you a spanish dictionary next time to keep you company”

- you teaching him the cuss words in spanish

- he would legit argue with anyone that gave you a bad look when you talked in spanish

- although jj is not much of a church boy, he makes an effort to clean up nice and go to service with your family and you.

- which only makes his parents love him more

- introducing him to spanish rock

- caifanes

- los enanitos verdes

- los bunkers

- juanes

- inspector

- division minúscula

(those are just some of my favs)

- him admiring you by the doorway as you dance around in the kitchen listening to bad bunny in one of his shirts

- at some big family parties of yours, there would be mariachi or some singing group. everyone joins in and goes wild with el grito

- jj spent a week trying to do el grito

- taking care of him when he’s sick

- which includes massaging his chest with vapor rub. making him your moms caldo de pollo with pieces of tortilla in it.

- “ i told you not to go to sleep with your hair wet after surfing”

- him groaning into his pillow, because you’ve been scolding him all day and would yell at him to put on socks

- saying sana sana colitia de rana when he got hurt

- nicknames you call him: bebe, amor, huerito, cariño

- he loves your breakfasts

- him waking up to the smell of whatever you’re cooking made him the happiest. you would cook him huevos rancheros, chilaquiles, sopes, huevos a la mexicana, tortas and etc. (or any of your favorites, these are just my personal faves)

- you would pack him a torta in his lunch bag you made for work

- he loves it when you both cook and you teach him all of the family recipes you loved growing up

- making him chips con salsa or guacamole, chocolate de abuelita, or giving him pan dulce as comfort food when he has a bad day

- when he stays at your house he has a hard time finding the butter you asked him for, because each one turns out to be either salsa or beans

- taking him with you on your trip to (insert your family’s country) to visit family

- surprising him with tickets to yucatan on his 18th

- before the trip, he would go on and on about you two buying a house in mexico and having a fish shack and surfing til the sun sets

- he would try to sneak in tequila into the US

- you and jj have known eachother for years, so when your quince came up, you asked him to be your main chambelan. this was before y’all started dating

- jj would play around in practice and there were times you let your nerves get the best of you and went off on him

- but when it did come down to your big day, jj made sure you felt like the most special person in the world and that there was no trouble that night

- that night, especially during the waltz, he knew he wanted to be the one to make you feel like most special person all the time.

- you would be a part of a ballet folklorico group that did occasional performances at the local theater

- jj would be so supportive and even stay at your practices to watch, since he was your ride

- at the chateau before performances or just if you need more practice, he helps out with choreography

- you would even catch him subtly do a carretilla or a zapateado during the day

- he would bring flowers or your favorite snack to your show

- he would cheer from the crowd and be the loudest

- jj loved seeing you dressed in the traditional clothing, while dancing your heart out. he loved that you’re so in touch with your culture and you let him into that part of your world

- he would massage your head, since the tight bun and that one annoying bobby pin stabbing your scalp did some damage

- teaching him how to dance cumbia, bachata, zapatear and etc.

- growing up jj loved going to your bday parties because of the piñata

- he was definitely the kind to throw himself on top of the candy and try to get one of the loose cones to use as a bag

- whenever trump got elected, jj got you a trump pinata and handed you a baseball bat

- “let him feel your wrath babe”

- you are a part of an after school club that helps indigenous communities in hispanic/latinx countries

- jj would be supportive and get you coffee for those long nights when you were planning a fundraiser or doing research

- he would even attend the meeting or go to the fundraisers you helped planned

- he would wear a threaded bracelet with his name on it, which you got from a lady who made and sold them on the street a long time ago from visiting your family’s homeland. since then he never took it off, even though it looks a little worn down

| also i want to tag some amazing people who have given me the confidence to post:

@drewsephsmiles @midnightmagicmusings @jellyfishbeansontoast @rudths

also let me know if you want to be on my tag list!

#jj maybank #outer banks #jj x reader #jj x latinx reader #jj headcanon #whenspideywrites #outerbanks jj #bipoc #outerbanks bipoc #spanish readers

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roccinan · 3 years

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I'm risking sounding terribly egoistical by sending a public ask about my own url here but I'm doing it!!!!! I need the super graphic-details

Your ego is my ego, dearest nharidy. There's a reason the doc is named after you hahaha

[ 👉 My Wips ]

OK so the Absolvisti sequel's been sitting in my head since well, the week after I published it lmao. But I never got around to writing because I wasn't sure if it was being too self-indulgent (I'm feeling more confident about it now that I know you'll be pleased by it!). Also because I was having trouble deciding on a pov: should I continue with the Tatiana 1st person pov as always? Change it up to Martin 3rd person? or surprise: 1st person Don Juan?? Should it be a new chapter or new fic? (def. open to suggestions here!) Also I think it'd be Iconic to publish a story in the Dies Irae universe with our new cat profile pics.

Graphic detail time :D Prepare for a SUPER LONG answer LMAO. Most of the things I mentioned here and here will make their way in, with maybe a bonus ns/fw chapter from Martin or Andres' pov. The main story is SFW however, and there's like a hilariously high amount of hurt!Andres, who doesn't have demons to rely on anymore but still carries all the permanent damage the demons left on him:

It takes place some months after Absolvisti so Andres is doing better, but not fully well yet. He's not actively dying anymore but he does faint a lot and isn't exactly making a full recovery. Because I wanted to make things harder for Martin. Because he's not a young man anymore, the wounds were super extensive, and this is the result of years of accumulated damage + a form of "withdrawal" (the shadows/demons that used to feed on him were also the things that kept him alive so it's one big cycle that his body isn't leaving that easily).

This means every time Martin plans something nice for him like seeing a play or going out for a nightly walk, Andres can't go through the whole thing without feeling unwell. (Martin: "I over-exerted the love of my life. I am so SELFISH. what does Andres see in me??" Andres: "I disappointed the love of my life. I am the WEAKEST. what does Martin see in me??" Tatiana: feed me, bitches)

They manage to sit through one play though (not sure if I want this at the beginning or end of the fic LMAO). It's the one Bogota wrote, The Necromancer's Lament, a "biopic" about Andres' life. And it's every bit as terrible as Martin expected. Bad special effects, bad acting especially from Martin's actor, Andres' actor has a beard, and Tatiana looks like this:

Andres thinks it's the best play ever. Martin hates it and demands a refund. Tatiana hates it too but Don Juan's like, "mi amor, you are still beautiful to me, even as a deformed puppet."

Martin's 120-page complaints aside, Bogota runs the theatre troupe with his partner, Nairobi/Agata, and they're both going to start teaching performing arts at Santa Catalina because the last drama professor died lmao

Meanwhile, Santa Catalina has a new bad girl student, Tokyo/Silene! Sergio took her in as a charity case after some dark and mysterious events in her life. But Tokyo being Tokyo can't stay away from trouble, and she becomes obsessed with finding the demons that Andres expelled. Some bizarre possessions start happening again and the school's sponsors force Raquel to keep it under wraps. (Raquel: maybe if you increased funding, we wouldn't have so many problems!!)

In the meantime, Martin gets that letter from a long lost relative asking to meet him. Not sure about the order of this either. Anyway, Martin was planning to ignore the relative, but Andres insists he go. Either Tatiana or Don Juan accompany him. Martin learns that he's the sole heir of his dead parents across the sea (the will: “we forgive you for being a heretic, a freak of nature, and the alchemist of Palermo. also no hard feelings for leaving you to die as a baby xoxoxo”). There's one (1) condition though: he has to end his partnership with the necromancer. Martin: NO THANKS.

So while Martin's dealing with this unexpected drama, Sergio decides to call in Andres' expertise TM again because it's also a good excuse to talk to his brother. Martin is Very wary about this and rejects him. But Andres insists that it'll be fine. Plus, maybe he wants to turn a new leaf and help Santa Catalina for nothing in return this time. Not everyone gets a second chance at life and he doesn't want to be a bad person anymore uwu (Tatiana: "Andres was a pretentious piece of shit, surprising no one." Martin: "Nobody deserves Andres, not even me, and I'm like, the most amazing person in the world.")

Andres comes to do the exorcism with the random priest the school hired. And they discover there aren't any demons- it's just some ghost fucking around (maybe I'll make it the spirit of Gandia or Alicia since they haven't shown up yet lol). Anyway, it doesn't go very well but Andres gets rid of the creature or whatever. Not before it punctures a hole in his side though. Then Martin loses it, just full-on screams at Sergio for almost getting Andres killed again, makes a lot of threats against the school, etc. etc.

Raquel, being more useful, plugs up the wound. But the priest accidentally provokes Martin more by asking Raquel if he should mop up Andres' blood with holy water or something. What if the necromancer's blood is cursed?? And now it's all over the floor, so disgusting :/

Martin, already in a very bad mood, beats the priest up.

They go home. Martin's in a really sour mood and he just doesn't understand why Andres isn't mad at Sergio. Martin: "It's really emotionally damaging to me if you don't give a fuck about yourself." Andres makes him even angrier by bringing up the Berrote family will and having the audacity to suggest Martin leave him for money. He makes a huge case about how he literally has nothing to offer Martin except a body that barely works and a terrible reputation. Martin: "I lost a fucking eye for you??"

They fight and Martin storms away, and also kidnaps Don Juan, his honorary new soulmate who would never betray him like Andres.

A while after this, the Spanish Inquisition local clergy arrests Andres for "questioning." Because the shenanigans at Santa Catalina are still going on and that one priest suspects him of being behind everything just because. Raquel's the one who bails him out. She may not like Sergio's brother, but the way everyone else treats him is ridiculous.

Andres limps home, hoping Martin's still away. Surprise! Martin felt guilty and came back. And it's pretty obvious that Andres has just been tortured. Martin: "Say no more. I'm going to kill some people."

Andres gets Martin to not do anything stupid by dropping the thing with the will. He admits he was wrong for saying those things to Martin and he selfishly, genuinely wants to stay with Martin forever. Martin: "I'm still going to kill your brother. You may appease me with a kiss."

Does it end here? No! Because the shit at Santa Catalina is still happening. Andres and Martin solve it for good though. But it's all very dramatic. I'm vaguest about this part, but maybe Nairobi's injured saving Tokyo, and this gives Tokyo the wakeup call to move on from whatever baggage that got her into this mess in the first place. Then Andres' solution for saving Nairobi is to ask Martin to work that alchemist magic and transfer her wounds onto himself (at this point, we're just going overboard with the Andres whump but asdfasdf why stop??). Raquel: Sergio, tell your brother to stop dying. That's a bad example for the kids.

It takes a lot of convincing, but Martin relents in the end, only because he trusts Andres. At this point, Andres has been through so much that he physically cannot take any more damage. Like, he just can't lmao. So the whole process puts Andres into a coma or something. But we don't need him anymore because now we can revel in Martin's angst!

Martin spends the rest of his time crying and angsting and guilt-tripping Sergio, and just being very loud in general. He also writes back to his family and tells them to fuck off.

Once we indulge in enough of Martin's pain, Andres finally wakes up. Still very bad off but he's alive and not showing signs of dying any time soon. So that's good enough for Martin. They have a nice heart-to-heart, and idk, maybe Raquel comes to see them because Sergio's too embarrassed to. Until Andres insists, because he loves hermanito unconditionally uwu. Martin: "watch your back, Sergio. I might murder you in your sleep (:"

Then at the very end (I have no idea how long this story is LOL), there's some kind of family photoshoot between Raquel, Sergio, and Paula. Everyone's raving over this new invention called the "camera." Andres is admiring it from a distance until Raquel's like, "get over here. what part of FAMILY photoshoot do you not understand!?"

Andres is shocked pikachu face because good will towards him for once?? he's being included in something?? people want him around?? what is happening??

Martin's happy for him though. Then he's admiring from a distance until Raquel's like, "I said FAMILY photoshoot. Get over here, Martin!"

Tatiana didn't want to be a part of it, but Paula saw her favorite talking cat and like, grabbed her lmao. Don Juan photobombs it because he can't be excluded from an activity with Tatiana, especially when his former rival Andres is in the photo too. (His current rival is Casanova, an unworthy white cat vying for Tatiana's affections)

Sergio proposes to Raquel. The end! Yes, the kitty love triangle is also a central theme of this story LMAO Hope that satisfies you, nharidy! And I welcome any and all suggestions!

#nharidy #wip meme #asdfasdf this got so long omg #as you can see I thought a LOT about this sequel and have it all written... in my head rip #but if I know it will please you then that's enough motivation for me to get it on a document #kinda want to keep it tatiana's pov since she's what holds the dies irae universe together #also because Martin's pov would be 'andres never did anything wrong in his life he is so perfect'#andres' pov: 'everyone loved Martin and I because we are so beautiful and humble and amazing'#'someone threw an apple at me yesterday- a gift from another adoring fan obviously'#adfasdf so many shades of delusional and insufferable

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Surveys #417-419

Been slacking on posting these, so here’s like three surveys over the past few days divided up. I just don’t feel like posting them individually. Beware, it’s a long post, haha.

Do you believe that animals don’t have souls? I lean towards the idea that they, at least more complex species with actual sentience, do in some way. It's hard to imagine like, a fly having a soul, but it's a nice thought. You could NEVER convince me some don't, though, like my late dog Teddy, Sara's old chameleon Jem, and I could go on and on. Have you ever not been able to swallow pills? No, I've always been able to. If you HAD to change your first name, what would you change it to? Maybe like, Quinn. Something you don't hear a lot, for sure. Something more memorable. What are your thoughts on orange soda? Orange cream soda is BOMB. Man, been so long since I've had that stuff... Are you good with children and/or animals? Don't mean to brag, but people say I'm like a magician with animals. No matter what it is, I bond with it. Children, not so much. I'm awkward around them. Who in your life makes you smile the most? My cat, ha ha. If you were cremated, where would you want your ashes to be placed? Hm. Maybe high up in the mountains or in the Kalahari Desert. Do you plan on going to your high school’s reunion? No. I'm pretty sure I'd shatter from memories just entering the building. Would you want revenge on someone if they killed someone special to you? Or would you find it in your heart to forgive? "Forgive" my ass. They'd better get what's coming to them, even if I've gotta be the person to deliver it. Is there someone you are dying to see? More than I think anyone could possibly know. But it's probably better if I never do. Could you picture yourself getting married and having kids? Married, yes. Having kids, no. I could only picture that in one phase of my life, but like I called it: a phase. I should never be a mother, nor do I want to be one to begin with, so yeah, no kids for me. Do you like to take walks? If my legs were actually worth a shit, yes, I would, if it's in a nature-filled area. What are you listening to at this moment in time? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White. Did you ever kiss someone with a tattoo? No. Could you say something good about the last person you kissed? She's very resilient. Why are you single? Because 1.) I'm a very unappealing example of an adult, 2.) I'm not exactly very attractive, and 3.) I'm basically a hermit, so I don't meet people. Do you get jealous if your boyfriend hugs another girl? Hypothetically, in almost any case, I wouldn't. My imaginary boyfriend can have female friends. But I'll admit if it was like, an ex-girlfriend or something and it was a seriously intense hug, I might. Is there something that happened in your past you hate talking about? Yes, but I mean, who doesn't. Have you ever been completely alone with a boy in his room? You make this sound so scandalous lmao. Yes, plenty of times. I dated a dude and briefly lived with him for three and a half years. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. Who was the last person that you cried in front of? I'm sure it was Mom. Is it hard for you to be “just friends” with the opposite sex? Nah. Do you remember every single person that you’ve kissed? Yeah. Do you believe that the world will actually end? Humanity, oh yeah. The planet itself, given the infinite nature of the universe, also yes. At SOME point, even if it's zillions of years down the line, Earth is gonna get fucked by something. Are you socially awkward? I am the literal avatar of "socially awkward." Would you rather watch a comedy movie or horror movie? Horror. Who is your favorite actor/actress? MARK IS A FUCKIN' ACTOR, Y'ALL. Are you satisfied with your gender? Yeah. Are you good at admitting your problems? HA! Yeah. ezpz Have you ever had a hangover? No, never been drunk to begin with. Do you know any strippers? No. How many times have you dyed your hair? I ain't counting. What is something that reminds you of your childhood? Dinosaurs. Do you think you eat healthy? I try to. I have my bad days, though. Are you sick quite often or hardly at all? My immune system is the fucking MVP. I am just about never, ever sick. Has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality? Yes. Do you like chocolate or vanilla cake more? Chocolate, duh. Does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much? Nah, no biggie. Has your cell phone ever rung in class? Omg no, I woulda been mortified. Have you ever tried opening your eyes under water? Yeah, as a kid. Would you rather have a cat or a dog? I prefer cats. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Like... six times, I wanna say. What would you say is your favorite type of flower? Orchids, but I also love dahlias. I've actually noticed that I've really had a greater "thing" for flowers lately. Like don't get me wrong, I've always loved flowers very much, but I've just found myself more drawn to them than usual, especially when taking the daily hour ride to the TMS office. Do you watch Toddlers and Tiaras? FUCK no. That show disgusts and angers me so much. If someone asked you to go to war today, what would you say? Yeah, no. Funny joke. I couldn't go anyway due to mental health issues and a suicidal history. Do you own an old vintage typewriter? We used to when I was little. I have no idea what happened to it, though?? Hell, maybe we still have it somewhere, but I doubt that. Do you like or hate the smell of fish? Ew, does ANYONE like the smell of fish??? Have you ever read any of John Green’s books? I got a few pages into The Fault in Our Stars, but stopped for no real reason. I didn't not like it or anything, I was just still in my "I don't read" episode. Are you a protective person? VERY. I'm a fucking guard dog over those I love most. Are you a fan of penguins? Yeah, they're cute. I especially think emperor penguins are very majestic. Have you ever met your favorite author? I don’t have a favorite author. Did you get your mom or dad’s eyes? Neither's. I think my maternal grandpa had blue eyes, though? I'm not sure at all, though. When was the last time someone bought you flowers? Not sure. Has there ever been a murder in your town? "A" murder? Thems is rookie numbers for my neck of the woods, fella. This place is known for crime, and that includes murder. When falling asleep, do you ever feel like you stopped breathing? Well, I have seriously severe sleep apnea, so... but the diagnosis came as a surprise to me, because I never DID think this. But sure enough, did a sleep study, and in just one hour's time, I stopped breathing like what, 30 times? What's the last thing that scared the hell out of you? Stupid drivers. Do you have any life-changing plans within the next 6 months? I guess getting a job could be pretty life-changing. As of right now, how do you feel about your future? I'm very, very scared. Who is the last person you ran into unexpectedly? Hm, I dunno. Where does your grandma live? Both of mine are dead, but my paternal grandmother lived in Michigan, while my maternal one technically lived in Florida, but stayed in New York with her son's family a whole lot. I don't really know where she stayed more. Do you know how to read music? Not anymore. Does the song you’re currently listening to remind you of anyone special? Not so much the song, but the band. Motionless In White is one of his all-time favorites, so I can't listen to them without thinking of Jason. Sucks because they've been becoming one of MY favorites, too, so I listen to them a lot. If the person who has hurt you the most, said they were in love with you, would you believe them? I'd tell him he was in a love with a person who no longer exists. It's impossible for him to be in love with me now when he doesn't know how much I've changed. If Facebook made you pay would you still use it? Ha, no. Have you ever been recorded on film without your permission? Not that I know of? Tell me about your last boyfriend? He's a wonderful person. He's been there for me without fail since we became friends in high school band, and he is SO fucking funny. He's always cared a lot about me, and I care a lot about him, just not in the same way he does me. He's like my big brother. Are your parents racist? My dad definitely is. What is your least favorite subject in school? Math and economics both sucked. Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? Almost certain no. I'm pretty sure Dad didn't fight for custody at all, but it could've been something Mom just never told me. Have you ever babysat a newborn baby before? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I NEVER could. Do you have any siblings you neglect? .-. As a kid, did you ever go to camp? I went to Vacation Bible School, if that counts. Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls? Yeah, until that big news story about a dirty needle pricking a child. Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? Not to my knowledge. I highly doubt it. What do you usually order at Taco Bell, if you go there? Cheese quesadilla with fiesta potatoes. Rarely a pair of those cinnamon ball thingies. Ever consider a sex change? Nah. Do you eat whip cream straight out of the can? EW no. I hate the texture of whipped cream. What do you think of popcorn? Loooove. Have you ever dated any of your friends’ ex? No. Well, it's funny, Rachel (both Juan's and Jason's ex) and I are friends now, but definitely weren't at the time of us being together. Have you ever gone out with someone even though one of your friends liked that person first? If yes, did you feel bad? If no, were you tempted to? No. Would you rather be a rich musician, or a rich actor? Musician. What was the last charity you donated to? I don't recall. Did you like to collect frogspawn as a kid? I've told the "my friends and I saved hundreds of tadpoles" story enough times, so for this question, I'll just talk about when I would go fishing with Dad as a kid. Back then, if I got bored of actually fishing, I would walk along the riverbank and try to catch tadpoles and minnows in my hands. It was soooo fun to Kid Brittany. Do you walk fast or slow? I walk pretty damn slow. Can you juggle with more than two items? I can't juggle, period. Do you like jalapenos? Yeah! Do you like kiwis? Yessss, I love kiwi! Does anyone in your family go deer or bird hunting? Who is it anyway? I don't know if she still does, but my little sister used to go deer hunting with a friend.

Are you saving up for anything right now? What? Yeah, my pet snake's 40 gallon terrarium. What sort of things do you have bookmarked in your internet browser? It's quite diverse, but I think I mostly have templates for specific character profiles. Have you ever snuck in to a theater/dance/bar etc? No, I'm a good noodle. If given the chance, would you go to Ireland? Certainly! It's beautiful there. If you have a cat, does it ever “converse” with you? Oh, ABSOLUTELY. When I talk to him, he sure does try to answer me and it's the cutest thing, ha ha. Have you ever tried those electric toothbrushes? Yeah, that’s what I use. Has anyone told you that they wanted to marry you/were planning on it/etc? Yeah, guess he changed his mind. Name one of your ex’s mother’s names? Virginia. Does your favorite song have a meaning? BIG TIME. Have you ever written or received a suicide note? I've written one. .-. What is the worst thing a child has ever done to you while you were babysitting? When I was changing her diaper, she got up and ran around naked in the house. ;-; Do you own a nightgown? No. If you could get any pet right now, what would you get? i. want. my. tarantula. Have you ever actually been stuffed into a locker? No. That is just such a TV trope that I've never even heard of happening irl. Do you/did you decorate the inside of your locker at school with stuff? I only had a locker in middle school, and I believe I didn't. I didn't want one in HS. What’s the coolest thing you’ve made with Legos? I was never a Legos kid; I played with Lincoln Logs. Do you want to get pregnant right now? Fuck no, man. Or ever. Have you ever housed a friend for a long period of time because they had no place to live? No. If you have a favorite comedian, have they ever been in a movie? I don't have one, really. Are there any books you want to read? Besides the series I'm reading, I want to read The Testaments by Margaret Atwood, but idk if I'll ever get to it, really. If you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them? We don't have a close relationship, but I am nevertheless. If you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? Not really, it seems. First letter of the names of everyone you have kissed? J, T, D, S. Do you like going to school sports games? No, I hated it. When Ash was a cheerleader, Mom made me go, and I was never happy about it. Have you ever worn your boyfriend’s clothes? An ex-boyfriend's, yeah. Did you get into your mom’s makeup when you were a kid? I don't think I did? Do you want anything pierced? Ugh, a lot of places. The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? I never do. Has your partner ever accused you of cheating when you actually didn’t? I've never been accused of cheating. Has anyone ever called you stuck-up? No. I'm quite the opposite. Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? Too many, really. What are you doing this summer? Nada. Do you still watch MTV? I never did. Have you ever spent the night with the last person you kissed? Yes. What’s the dress code for your job? Do you like it? I'm unemployed. Does your job allow piercings or tattoos? ^, and this might sound stupid, but I wouldn't work at a job that didn't. Especially tattoos. No job is stopping me from doing things that improve my self-esteem and body image, particularly when I LOATHE my body. If a little bit of art makes me feel better about myself? Nobody is stopping me. What are some trends you dislike that everyone seems to love? "Crocs. Whyyyy?" <<<< THIS. First people hated them, now they love them??? They're hideous as shit. If you got married and then got divorced, would you want to re-marry? I don't really know. How often do you use lotion? Not NEARLY enough for someone with skin as dry as mine. Do you donate your old stuff to Goodwill? If so, what was the last thing you donated? Yeah. Mom recently brought some old toys, I think? How weight conscious are you? You have no fucking idea. Rent a movie or go see one in theaters? I prefer going to a theater. I enjoy the experience. What’s the biggest personality trait turn-off for a potential partner? Probably being an explosive/volatile person. I can't with that. Would you ever go on a birth control pill? I already am to regulate my period and tame the cramps. And if I was sexually active, I absolutely would want to be on it. What's your favorite late night tv show? I don’t have one. At high school do or did you participate in Spirit Week? No. Do you have a favorite vocalist? Who? Queen's Freddie Mercury will probably always top the list. If you have a favorite photographer, can you describe their work? I don't have a favorite photographer. Surprisingly. Are sex and sexual activities something you enjoy? If it's with someone I'm in love with and am in the mood, sure. What is one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? I did NOT expect to reach 25 like... *gestures at self* this. What is one thing stopping you from becoming a veterinarian? I could never handle euthanizing pets and watching the families' hearts break. How long have you lived in the house you live in? Not even a year. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? I'm definitely sadder. Especially today. Do you like Subway? I do. Have you ever seen a volcano? No. Have you ever found a spider on your bed? Yes. It's the scariest shit when one skitters across your blanket, because like, you LEAST expect it to happen in the comfort of your own bed. Are you satisfied with the way your life is right now? Not even remotely, if I'm being honest. I'm at a real low. When was the last time you ate at Burger King? Years ago, when I was a vegetarian and went there for the veggie burger. How often do you cry? lol a lot Ever had a crush on a teacher? No. Can you wire a plug? ... I don't even know what you mean by "wire a plug," so obviously no lmfao. Where were you when you got your first period? Well I think I actually *started* at school, but I noticed when I got home. Can you drive? I mean I'm capable, but I'm an incredibly anxious, overly passive, and just generally terrified driver. I'm so scared of when I finally get new glasses and therefore a new permit... but I have to get used to driving. Living where I do, public transportation is very, very limited, and I just can't have people driving me places the rest of my life. Exercise or healthy eating? I sadly hate exercising SO much. I'd rather eat healthy. Did you play Red Rover when you were a child? Yeah. Are you more attracted to men or women? This can actually vary with time, which I originally thought was weird but is apparently normal for some bisexual individuals. There are spans where I feel more sexual attraction to men, and then other times women. Has anyone ever called you rich? God no, I am so far from it. What makes you feel beautiful? Nothing. Are you considered a very sensitive person? I'm way too sensitive for my own good. Have you ever told someone you never wanted to speak to them again? Yes, my dad. I regret that letter I sent him so, so much. I honestly don't know how he can treat me with so much love after the shit I said. If you could watch any TV series right now, what would it be? I am... astonishingly behind on Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty. I know, seriously incredible. I just don't watch TV, man. It's strange, I'm into the show, of course I am, I just... don't like sitting myself in front of a television and purely watching it. I'll catch up, though. Do you grind your teeth, and if so, why do you do it? No. But it's not like people have a reason they grind their teeth... they just do. Do you feel the need to rant about anything right now? If so, go for it. I could, but I'm not going to. It'll just upset me. Do you have a friend named Nick? What’s his favourite food? My sister's husband's name is Nick, but he is definitely not my friend. I can't stand his bigoted, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, racist ass. I don't know or care what his favorite food is. What are you listening to? I'm re-watching Gab and Sinow play Resident Evil 5. People can say all they want about RE5, but I love it. Do you prefer waffles or pancakes? Waffles, but only if they're still soft enough to not be considered crunchy. I prefer them because I can put peanut butter on them, and the grooves catch the syrup instead of just absorbing it all like pancakes. Do you prefer non-diet or diet soda? I don't/can't drink diet sodas because the artificial sweetener gives me a KILLER headache. Are you craving anything right now? You guys have no idea how badly I want Taco Bell for whatever reason. Which word did you say first, mama or dada? The latter. What was your first pet’s name? So, there's three answers to this. I was born into the family while we had a collie named Trigger, but I have absolutely zero memory of her. She passed when I was too young. Our first family pet that I clearly remember was Chance, our rescued cat. My first *personal* pet was either a guinea pig named Squeak or Chinese water dragon named Shadow. I can't remember who came first. Who was your best friend in elementary? It changed with the years, but I can say the three biggies were Brianna, Kim, and Quiata. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Probably Coach Collie. He was so wise, kind, funny... He was all-around just wonderful and taught so many life lessons. When you go to a restaurant, do you have a go-to dish? Always. What is the best part of your most ordinary day? Waking up and doing my first sweep of the Internet before I get bored outta my fucking senses. Do you read any web comics? No.

Do you drink bottled water? Yeah, but like any water, it has to be COLD. Not room temperature. Not a tad chilly. I mean cooooold. When did you last use a straw? Earlier. I have a metal straw I use to drink water with because I drink faster through a straw, and with it being water, of course I want to try to drink as much as I can when I actually choose to drink water. Have you ever tackled someone to the ground? No. Do you know anyone who lies to make themselves look more interesting? My former best friend did that. She was an online friend, so it made it easy. I finally caught on and called her out on it, and then she just totally dipped. Do you like to sing? Not that much, honestly. Like sometimes I feel like it, sure, but not frequently. Are your parents in good health? No, not really. Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No. I feel bad saying it, but I know I never could be. I could NOT clean another human being. It's one of the bajillion reasons I'm not having kids. Do you like to take naps during the day? "Like" isn't the right word. I just... need to. Most days, there is NO way I can make it 'til night without one. What movie was your favorite to see in the movie theater? Even though it was sincerely a sucky movie, I really enjoyed watching Silent Hill: Revelation because I saw the 3D version, plus the hype over my favorite franchise getting a new movie was just very exciting. Favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle character? I was never into that. Ever watched The Blair Witch Project? Yes, and I positively adore it. I genuinely think it's a genius horror movie, never showing, but telling through other methods. Have a favorite AC/DC song? Probably "You Shook Me All Night Long." Are you good at selling candy for those fundraiser things? Omg nooooo I HATED doing that shit, especially when some amount of sales were like, required for whatever bullshit reason. I hate hate hate advertising to people. My parents always bought them instead. Have you ever had a crush on someone too old for you? No. Well, besides James Hetfield, ha ha. What's your favorite Dr. Suess quote? I don't know enough quotes to have one. If you were to have wings, what would you want them to look like? Dark and dragon-esque with lots of rips and tears in them... but not enough to stop me from flying, ha ha. Have you ever broken up with someone to find you want them back later? No. Has anyone ever dared you to eat a chili pepper? Did you do it? No. Have you ever tried Thai food? No. Have you ever watched Avatar? The TV show, not the movie. I've seen I think one season with Sara so far? I actually quite enjoy it. What's your cellphone's signature for text? WOW this survey is ancient. If you smoke marijuana, what is your preferred or typical method? I don't smoke it. Do you often take painkillers? I dunno about "often," but headaches to the point I take something aren't rare for me. Do you wish you were in a relationship? I mean yes, but I know it's for the better I'm not. Have you ever been to the ER? Many times. Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? I feel extremely guilty. I try not to think about it. Where have you lived for the most part of your life? Eastern NC. How old are you? 25. What are you listening to at the moment? Powerwolf came out with a new album, so I've been bingeing the shit out of some songs, ha ha. Right now it's "Blood For Blood." Do you watch WWE Raw? Ew, no. I have NEVER gotten the appeal of wrestling. Just like... why????? Do you dye your hair? Nowhere near regularly. :/ I haven't had it dyed in a very long time, and I hate it. I love colored hair. We just can't afford that expense on something so little. My hair does NOT take dye easily, so we have to have a professional do it, and that isn't exactly cheap. Have you ever lived in a different country that the one you’re living in? No. Which of your parents will you see next? I live with my mother, so. Have you fallen asleep in school? Not in class, no. In college when I would be in the library between classes, though, I've dozed before. Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes, but not for physical issues. Do you make fun of obese people? You're talking to someone who is. So obviously no, and you're a piece of fucking shit if you do. Do you have an innie or an outtie? Innie. Have you ever tried to headbang? No. Even as a metalhead, I don't get it, man. You're asking for a headache. Do you own any Converse? What do you think of them? I have a few and like them. Have you ever started a rumor? No. Have you ever been in a position of authority? I mean, I'm an admin on two sites, so I guess? Were your ancestors royalty? Yeah, I'm related to one of the Queen Victorias, I believe. I just know she had a thing for beheading people, ha ha. What do you like on your pasta/noodles? Sauce, butter, grated cheese, etc.? Just tomato sauce and meatballs, really. Who is the most ungrateful person you know? What makes them this way? My fucking ex-best friend. You could never, ever give her enough and she just... blegh. She was so fucking ungrateful for everything people did for her. It was just never enough. Do you like cherry Pepsi? I like cherry Coke. I don't like Pepsi. Have you ever held an uncommon pet before (ex: mouse, spider, snake, lizard)? I've held snakes, rats, lizards, and a tarantula. Who did you last play truth or dare with? No clue. Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. When were you the saddest in your life? 2016. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? No. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? Yeah, they've moved out. What was the most unique pet you’ve owned? I'd probably say my champagne ball python. A lot of people don't even know ball python morphs exist, so seeing her might surprise some people. Do you like Doritos? Yeah. When you buy clothes, do you always try them on first? No, but I need to learn how to... I just HATE doing it. Have you used bugspray recently? No. Do you enjoy swimming in the ocean? Yesssss. Have you ever tried to sew or knit anything? No. Has something ever happened to you that seemed like it was from a movie? Most of Jason's and my relationship felt like one. Hence why the breakup felt so sudden and just impossible. Do you find yourself to be a believer in love at first sight? Not even remotely. Is there something you want to do, that you swear you will, no matter what? Spread Teddy's ashes in Yellowstone. I promised him. Are you longing for the day that you’ll be an adult? (If you’re not already) I am an adult, and it sucks. What’s something you’ve vowed to never eat? Any meat that was hunted. Have you ever owned a diary/journal with a lock and key? I don't believe so. When you were little, what movie did you watch over and over? Mostly Disney films, like The Lion King and Finding Nemo. Are you deathly allergic to anything? No. Do you know what you want for your dream house? Nope. I honestly don't really care about having a "dream" house to begin with. I just need one that's cozy to me and gets the job done. Have you ever seen the movie The Notebook? Many, many times. It's my favorite romance movie. Have you ever used the photo editing site “Picnik”? No, not to my memory. Has an animal ever taken a strong dislike to you? Our old dog Bentley didn't like me all that much, and I didn't like him, either. Have you ever attempted to cut your own hair? No. Do you have a lucky or special coin? No. Do you love ice cream cake more than normal cake? No. Do you check your email daily? No. Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed? No. For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy? Envy. Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions? No. Has a laptop ever burned your legs? Yes, actually. For a while many years ago, my old laptop left subtle burn marks on my legs. Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? My nephew's is next month. Do you like Laffy Taffy? I doooo. Are your biceps at all noticeable? Ha, no. Have you ever seen a walrus? Maybe when I went to SeaWorld as a kid? Did you ever have one of those easy bake ovens as a kid? Yup. If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? Sure. What flavor cake do you like for your birthday? Red velvet. Have you ever had a job you loved? Nope. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? Yikes, no. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Two people. Have you been best friends with someone of a different race? Yes. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve met online? Sara. What was the name of the first porcelain doll you got? I was very afraid of dolls as a kid, so I obviously didn't have one. Do you sell any products? If so, what? I mean, I'm a wannabe photographer that sells my service. Owls or peacocks? Owls. Lions or horses? Lions. Can you still fit into kid’s clothes? Hell no. What devotional do you read, if any? None. What do you make wishes on? I only ever do for the tradition of it on my birthday. I don't believe in the magic of wishes, though. Have you ever made a recipe you found in a magazine? No. Are you bitter about anything? Probably always will be. Have you ever been in a love triangle? No. How bad are your hangovers? Never had one. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, what was the cause of it? Yes. It was identified as a fracture, but a break and a fracture are technically like the same thing, so. At a skating rink, I fell and landed on my hand so the top of it nearly touched my arm, so my wrist got FUCKED. I will never, ever forget the severity of the pins and needles feeling and just the experience in general. It hurt so goddamn bad. Is this the best year of your life? Fuck no.

#in other words i don't feel like thinking up song lyrics for three surveys at once lmao #survey #surveys #random questions

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lokemikaze · 4 years

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Zuka Rant: Part 2 (2016 Yuki - Don Juan)

okay so. for some reason, the gang in the zuka server decided they wanted to torture me, and introduced me to the 2016 yukigumi don juan. i thought i was prepared, but uhhh apparently not - i didn’t expect this amount of pAIN D: i’m legit gonna spend the next week crying about this

if you don’t already know, don juan is a “womanizer” trash man who brings shame upon his family and doesn’t appreciate the people who love him - until he meets maria, who he for some reason falls head over heels for and ends up dying for. that is not the main focus of this essay, though; my wish is to expand upon my thoughts about don juan’s relation to mental illness. please note that this will touch upon heavy themes, including Bad Coping Mechanisms. i’ll say it again:

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DARK THEMES LIKE alcoholism and self-harm

so. where to start. perhaps i should first make a disclaimer and say that while i am quite Experienced with mental illness, i am by no means an expert, and everything i write here will be my own personal opinions and over-analysis. i also know nothing about the history of this musical etc., i went into this blindly and got punched by the pain

when we first meet juan (played by the amazing daimon, who does such a good job), he is at a bar, surrounded by women. he smiles his gorgeous little smile, and dear gods we’re all taken by this utter trash man. he pushes the ones who love him away in favour of having yet another fling as he empties another bottle. does this seem healthy? nah fam, this is a textbook example of actual self-harm - he may not even realise it himself, but the way he is dealing with his inner struggles is to drown it in alcohol and s*x. it is harmful to both body and mind, yet he uses it to push away the harsh reality and ignore his own emotions

there’s a very touching scene where we get to see young don juan with his mother as she dies. i think this is perhaps where some of his struggles started - he seemed to be struggling slightly even before this, but this is of course a moment that deeply affects him. he throws away his cross necklace, cursing god, and from then we can only imagine the path he took to get to the present. there is a very big chance he hasn’t actually dealt with the grief and trauma from seeing his mother die, and has instead repressed it. for years. and you know what we say about repressing emotions? uhh yeah it’s not good

so as i see it, the juan we meet at the beginning of this musical is a broken man who does not want to acknowledge that he is broken. he shows obvious signs of depression (i.e. pushing people away, losing interest in i.e. the women he desire), and he spends his days (unconsciously?) self-harming. he hides behind a smiling mask, when in reality he is filled with so much anger and grief, and probably - judging by his reactions later - is really out of touch with his emotions, unable to grasp any of them. it is, in fact, Sad Boie Hours

then, the ghost appears. or is it a ghost? i see this as a figment of juan’s mind - perhaps a hallucination? he clearly believes what he’s seeing is real, but nobody else can see what he sees. he is distressed by this (obviously), and reacts violently bc that’s the only way he knows to act. we can see him slowly losing his grip on reality, unable to make out the difference. as someone who has at several points in my life had hallucinations, i can confirm that the way he is acting is indeed very realistic for someone in that situation. not to mention that he’s haunted by guilt and trauma and all those emotions he has pushed down for so long. he loses some of the control he has over himself due to the extreme mental anguish he is going through.

then, he meets maria. it is love at first sight. he sees her, and talks to her, and cannot grasp - what is this feeling? why does it hurt, why does it feel like everything is changing? he finally has something that feels light in his life, something that ‘sparks joy’. maria gives him what no one else have been able to - a positive feeling that shines through the darkness of his struggles. he swears to change for her, to abandon his old ways and start a new and better life, and this is where i need to rant a bit about the costumes

as i said in my previous essay, i am a Costume Nerd, and i was a lot more pleased with the costumes of this production than in 2009 zukabeth (still salty). there aren’t many costume changes, but there doesn’t need to be. juan’s first outfit is such a Vibe, and i absolutely love it - and it’s completely full-on black. only black. however, after he meets maria and pledges to change, his costume also changes. he now has not only really pretty sparkle, but *white*. his all-black has adapted to include touches of white. there are of course multiple meanings that could be read into this, but what does it mean judging from the mental health viewpoint? well, black is often associated with depression and dark thoughts (hence the name *dark* thoughts), while white is associated with purity, joy and hope. my theory is that juan’s previously hopeless existence now has hope, something he wants to live for, someone he loves and cherishes and who keeps him going. there is light at the end of the dark tunnel, so to say.

then, maria’s fiance comes back from war and confronts juan. they agree upon a duel, and juan has what seems to be a panic attack. all of a sudden, the fragile happiness he created with maria is broken, and everything comes flooding back - including his hallucination ghost. in a following scene, he is seen with his (absolutely gay) friend, who tries to convince him to Not Do This. the ghost follows, and we see that juan is once again losing his grip on reality, lashing out and refusing to listen to reason. when the duel scene arrives, juan’s costume is back to the full black. his hope is gone, and he has reverted back into the anguished man he was.

in the beginning of the duel, juan fights mercilessly, wounding his enemy several times, each time getting more and more out of control. he sees this man as the obstacle between himself and the hope he tried to cling on to, and now that he has had a taste of happiness, he wants it back. he aims to kill, and gets angry when his target won’t. stop. getting. up!! this is when the good old hallucination ghost once again appears, telling him that he is only procrastinating the inevitable, that if he wins, he will lose anyway due to the sin of killing another man. you can *see* the moment when juan’s last grip on reality shatters, and from then on out there’s no hope of it ending well. he has given up hope, he has given in to the darkness, he has accepted as a fact that there is no good outcome for him. if he lives on, he will be plagued by his own struggles, unable to find a way out of the deep dark hole his mind has plunged him into. and so, he does the only thing that seems logical, and basically throws himself at his enemy’s blade. he states that this way, maybe he can live on in the love between himself and maria. my belief is that it was a simple way to commit s*icide that didn’t involve him having to actually do it himself. it makes it seem ‘accidental’, and lays the blame on someone else.

and so, don juan dies. a painful, harsh death that absolutely punched my heart and wrenched the sobs from my throat (thanks for enabling my hyper empathy, daimon, well done). he dies with little else than the vague hope that maybe, he can die with love, and that something good will come from it all. a man who got too little time, made too many bad decisions, and had too many issues that he should’ve gotten help with ages ago goddammit. it is questionable if he was fully aware of his decision, being fully lost to his own mind by then, but what is unquestionable is that he suffered a lot. his entire life was filled with suffering, hidden behind a cocky smile.

if you’ve read all the way here, thank you for considering what i had to say. i hope i remembered everything i wanted to say. i have no way to conclude this, other than to say “thanks, i hate this” to the sadists who threw me into this. it is a heartwrenching story that i honestly can relate to a little too much to (no, i am not a murderer nor a womanizer), and i felt don juan’s pain on a deep level. have i read way too much into it all? probably. then again, that’s the beauty of fiction - we all have our own experiences which affect the impression it leaves us with. and to me, takarazuka’s don juan isn’t about a cocky bastard who got too full of himself - it’s about a young man so filled with pain that it led to his demise.

#long post #zuka #takarazuka #don juan #tw: mental health #tw: dark themes #another essay #bc i cannot control myself #this show absolutely ended me #so much pain

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smolbeandrabbles · 4 years

Text

Director’s Cut 3: Danny Rayburn

* Well it’s more a focus on our Reader character, but, Danny.

“What was the inspiration behind Liliana and her family? Because they’re all so amazing 😭🙏 and how did you choose the name Devan?”

Liv, bless you for asking the difficult questions! Now you get a look inside my crazy mind (as if you hadn’t all already with Andrew.)

So, If you thought Andrew was a long post you better grab your favourite drink and your Danny playlist and settle in!

The following specifically refers to our reader character and her family, and the events of Sway and it’s spin-offs, which I will obviously always encourage you to read! 😁 Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10

Sweet Spot / All I Want For Christmas / Good Woman

What was the inspiration behind Liliana and her family?

Before we go into too much detail I want you to imagine 1st January, 2019. And then a girl who had recently purchased Camila Cabello’s first album - late, after being super impressed by her performance opening for Taylor Swift - and watched the first episode of Bloodline AND Dirty Dancing 2 (the trade off for having your mum watch Rogue One with you) in one single day. Anyone who hasn’t listened to Camila’s album, this is essentially Danny’s dance playlist, I don’t make the rules

I had ideas for Danny before I even started to watch. Mostly because when you’re first immersed in the world of Ben Mendelsohn and trawl through blogs, you can’t help but notice Danny. Annnd found out a lot about the show, which caused me to have a BUNCH of misconceptions and create a story in my head that was just... not even remotely close to what Bloodline is.

So here’s the deal, I occasionally like thinking about some of Ben’s characters gender bent, and how that would make them different/similar and affect their stories. I did this with Andrew and Gerry before I did it with Danny (because can we just think about Animal Kingdom if they were female?). And then armed with my assumptions, I came up with a story for Bloodline. “Linzi, why are you telling me this-!?” I hear you cry, but don’t leave the post just yet! Just keep in mind that Jack Ervin was (female) Danny’s restaurant accountant and also will they / won’t they love affair, that uhm. Well they didn’t, because Danny dies. For all intents and purposes a lot of Jack’s plot points became Lily’s (including bringing back the restaurant). Also I had a great character with a great name that I didn’t want to waste. Jack became Liliana’s dad - and therefore we got: Jack and Liliana Ervin.

Back to Dirty Dancing 2 - set in Havana, complete with its ‘will they/won’t they’ love story (of different social classes!) and of course, Latin American dancing. To say I borrowed a lot of ideas from this is probably an understatement - but Danny is a Miami boy, and Miami has Little Havana. Quickly it all kinda fell together. But in this case, Danny is the out of his element American and Liliana (given that her parents are both from Latin American backgrounds) is the dancer. Added to that in DD2 the girls parents are both dancers, I was happy to keep an element of that for our girl too. Jack remained Jack Ervin, with his name actually being Juan Ervin (American Father, Argentinian Mother) but changing his name to Jack to fit in with his Miami high-society persona. Maria (American Mother, Puerto Rican Father) basically has a super cliche Hispanic name, I know (well both of them do but Juan is the equiv. to Jack so that’s how we ended up there) but it worked for me. Liliana’s name... I don’t even know where I got it from - sometimes names just come to me, sometimes I spend hours finding a good one on all these naming sites! 😅 Lily just came to me, I certainly wanted something that could be shortened Liliana->Lily but also something that went with Danny’s name. Liliana Rayburn is a great name. (I know the irony of that, you don’t need to tell me twice!) I need a ship name for them.

Let’s take a little look at their character for a second though: Jack and Maria are meant to be parallel to Robert and Sally. But also the complete opposite. Jack is described as a ruthless businessman who doesn’t care to much about his reputation in business. He’ll just get the job done no matter what the cost. The catch being of course that really Jack is a lovely guy, he cares very much about his family (+ extended family!) and is a well respected member of Miami society. Ruthless yes - but Maria and Lily mean more than the world to him - and eventually Danny too. “No man is good enough for your daughter until one is. And he is.” and also “He would have given you the world, and I would have let him.” Just sayin’ he’s a good father and a good man. Maria is mentioned a little less than Jack is but I think that’s because I basically want to compare Jack/Danny to Robert/Danny. I also think that Jack has more to do with the overall story; he’s the one with the well known construction company that everyone recognises Liliana’s last name from, the reason that everyone is all over Danny with the “You can’t get involved with Jack Ervin’s daughter!!” spiel. Maria is the quieter character, but spends a lot of time showering Danny with love when she is around. Lily’s parents were all about giving Danny family that loved him unconditionally. A real family. She’s... probably a little more on the ‘stereotypical’ side of Hispanic parents, but there’s a reason for that-! One of my very best friends is Peruvian, and every time I visit him it’s like visiting my second family. Like from the very first time I met them his parents were SO kind, like above and beyond... and so adorable... oh my gosh, I love them so much and they are 100% inspiration for Jack and Maria. Maria is basically his mum. 😁 But more than anything I wanted Jack and Maria that wanted nothing more for their daughter than for her to find someone who loves her. No matter who he is or his background or anything like that. Which was important to me, especially having been through a relationship myself where my family didn’t really approve of him because he wasn’t from the same social class. I’m certainly not about that.

As your tags put it - Jack and Maria are the biggest Danny/Liliana shippers! 😁 (With Javi and Jason a close second! And I won’t leave out Evie and Amanda either!)

Liliana Oh my gosh. My love for her can’t be overstated. I say it every time, but I’ll say it again. When I started her and Danny’s journey on that dancefloor in January 2019 I never would have dreamed I’d be still here now nearing fic number 200. I wasn’t even sure if anyone would have been interested in them enough for me to ever write more than just Sway 1. But, when you’re asked to write a second part then you know it’s got traction and you end up with 10, of course! Inspiration for Liliana? Good question. A little like I said for Elaiyna with Andrew, I needed a S/O that fit with Danny and his story. I say at the start of part 10 that really it’s her story. And it is, Danny takes her from one night stands with men she meets on the dancefloor to mother of 2 kids in a loving relationship where it’s clear that she will never love anyone else. And it’s his character/personality, being as in character as possible, that leads her there. Liliana never runs out of chances, she forgives Danny for everything he does because she loves him so much. Because she can’t bear to think of life without him, nor what his life would be like if she left. Liliana is... a strong woman who doesn’t know how strong she is. She loves unconditionally and she doesn’t care that Danny is not on top of his game - he’s struggled his whole life, but he does not have to struggle with her. She’s meant to be the easiest thing about his life - home, a safe place, strength and stability. Danny is her adventure - with all his secrets, and his past, and how much he suffers she’s presented with a problem that she can’t solve, she can’t save,but loves him anyway. Lily will never give up. The contrast between the two worlds they are in when they meet, and then the one they build together as they grow which takes that contrast and just makes it work. Like they just work - sure I made it that way, but I tried to make it realistic. Love has no barriers, right? It shouldn’t. To quote my characters again: “There’s one fairytale here, and it’s yours.”

I wouldn’t give her a pushover title - sure she never runs out of chances for him (perhaps its arguable that she could walk away but it never occurred to me that that was her personality.) but like, screw his family. She won’t ever forgive them for what they’ve done to him, she won’t ever trust them. So why does she forgive John? Because that’s her character. That’s what Danny made her. John and Danny’s relationship always fascinated me in the show and it just strikes me that Danny and John were close, even with all that happened. Danny would want Lily to forgive him - and maybe Lily only forgives him FOR Danny, but it’s in her character. She’s tired of all this conflict and all she wants is for John to confirm he did it so she knows for sure. Liliana has elements of me in her, perhaps a little more than most of my other OCs, elements of my feelings towards characters in the show as I continued to watch, elements of other OC’s of mine (and physically too. Her Psalm tattoo I directly lifted from someone else. Hey, it be that way sometimes!) and elements of all these pieces that inspired me to write her in the first place.

I mean I don’t know if that really explains it clearly. Because there’s not really one clear inspiration for them - but from a range of different sources and elements. I hope that it even helps explain it a little though! 😅

How did you chose the name Devan?

Oh my gosh, okay. Liv why did you have to ask this question! So, oh god this is so stupid. Basically, although I knew that they would have a son, because our characters didn’t know that they were going to have a son, I wanted to give the baby a unisex name. Because I ALSO knew I was going to follow Bloodline canon it was also important to me that Danny be the one to chose the name. Added to that, like Nolan, I knew that Danny and Lily’s baby was going to keep that Rayburn last name. Devan Rayburn and Devan Ervin both sound pretty great to me..!

Obviously, it should be Devin. And the only reason I think I chose Devan was because a) I actually thought that was how you spelled it... (I mean I guess so, there’s no other logical reason I can’t have called him Devin... unless I looked at Devin Ervin and thought... ‘that’s basically the same’ and so changed the spelling but it was definitely always written Devan in plans etc) and b) a singer called Devin Dawson. When I was on my year long internship in the USA I was able to listen to country music radio - specifically the station a family friend worked on. And they were obsessed with a song called “All On Me” by Devin Dawson. (actually it’s a good one for this series, but that’s beside the point!) So I heard his name all the time, and I’m 99% sure that I got it from him. (Also fast forward and I’ve actually now seen the guy in concert and was like “Oh yeah I named a character after you.” so yeah it’s probably Devin Dawson’s fault. ) At the end of part 8 I left a note that says “Devan isn’t easily explainable but I hope you like it.” and honestly, if there’s a bigger story I can’t remember it. I know that ‘Evan’ was another character in my genderbent story but I don’t think I just added the ‘D’ to that... Maybe that was an element of it though?

Also I’m a sucker for ‘weird’ names or weirdly spelled names - a lot of my OCs fall victim to this - sorry girls! 😅 So it’s unsurprising that he ended up Devan, not Devin. Also I’d pronounce it “Dev-an” with a soft ‘a’ sound...

Interestingly it took me a little longer to decide on his middle name being Daniel. I guess I’m not sure how good “Devan Daniel Rayburn” sounds... But then I wasn’t about to resist it, and it seems like the kind of decision that Liliana would make.

I hope that answered your questions Liv! 🙏💜💙 You’re always welcome to ask for further clarification! 😁

---

Thank you as always for being interested in my work! Just gonna remind you all that you can ask for a Fanfic directors cut ! I would love to answer any questions! 🥰😘

I mean it, I’d beg. Don’t make me get that Danny gif.

#Liliana #The Ervin Family #Long Post #Sway #mendelskrull #TY Liv! Thank you for getting immersed in Sway enough to ask these questions!

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misssophiachase · 6 years

Photo

For Klaroween Bingo - Witch - A Practical Magic/Klaroline fusion with new twists. Also, thanks to @livingdeadblondequeen @littlebirdofthenorth and @klarolinesbuttons for some mythology lessons along the way.

Sisters Caroline and Katherine Pierce have always been considered ‘different’ but when FBI Agent Klaus Mikaelson comes to town in order to solve a mysterious death in Washington DC things get complicated (opening quotes in italics from the film and title from the soundtrack).

If You Ever Did Believe

“Is he cute?”

“Yeah, he’s...nice...in a very penal code sort of way, yeah.”

Caroline felt herself blush. The question was pretty much typical of her older sister, even in a budding crisis, but it wasn’t it that had gotten under her skin.

It was him.

And, yes, he was cute. Scratch that he was gorgeous, and not just in a penal code kind of way.

An irresistible mixture of dimples, curls and crimson lips housed in a navy henley and dark jeans. But his physical appearance wasn’t the only thing getting under her skin, she could sense something wasn’t right but couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

Time seemed to stop, for whatever reason, and she’d almost forgotten he was an FBI Agent until he flashed his badge in her direction and asked to speak with Katherine about the suspicious death of a Russian National.

Suddenly he wasn’t quite so attractive and she was going to kill Katherine for whatever mess she’d embroiled her in this time. She’d turned up on her doorstep a few nights ago and suddenly things were falling into place. Especially given she vowed never to return to San Juan because it was apparently too ‘small town’ for her liking.

They were polar opposites. Katherine was impulsive and unapologetic about her supernatural status and with that came an abundance of reckless behaviour. She’d been travelling for years but they always kept in touch through letters. The stories she told were always wild and she wouldn’t have believed them if she wasn’t Katherine Pierce.

Caroline, on the other hand, always tried to keep her identity on the down low, even with the rumours swirling in town, there was only so many insults she could take about her supernatural status. All she really craved in life was some semblance of normalcy. But trouble tended to follow her, especially when Katherine made an impromptu visit.

“Sounds like someone has a little crush,” Katherine teased, now limbering into cat-cow pose.

“Seriously, Kat,” she huffed. “Stop dodging my questions.”

“You should really try yoga, Care, it’s a good way to relax and unwind and we all know you could use some of that.”

“You’re the only person I know who doesn’t care that a federal agent is in our backyard brandishing a firearm as we speak.”

“Are you sure it was his gun and nothing else, Care?” She blushed again, damn it. “Hey, I’ve got an idea, how about you seduce the guy and he’ll forget all about his line of questioning? It would be a win-win. I mean you haven’t gotten any in a while so really I’d be helping you.”

“Wow,’ Caroline growled. “You have not changed. And, by the way, this obsession with my sex life is unhealthy.” Maybe it was true, but given the fact she couldn’t fall in love due to the centuries-old family, death curse, there wasn’t any point.

“I’m only looking out for you...”

“What exactly have you done, Kat?” She interrupted, ignoring her comment. Caroline knew exactly what was going to follow. Katherine could separate her feelings from sex but it was something Caroline could never do which is why she stayed celibate for the most part.

“Nothing,” Caroline gave her a weary look. “Well, nothing much.”

“This murdered Russian is an attaché at the Embassy in Washington DC, it’s kind of a big deal.”

“Fine,” she admitted, albeit reluctantly. “I knew him, we spent some time together...well you know...”

“Those particular details are not necessary right now,” Caroline shot back.

“But he wasn’t a gentleman, far from it,” she shuddered, lowering her sweater to reveal numerous bruises on her skin. “I was only trying to defend myself and then suddenly he was on the floor and I was fleeing the hotel.”

Suddenly Caroline felt bad for her sister and would have been more sympathetic but the fact Klaus Mikaelson was still in their yard was weighing on her mind.

“Was he dead?”

“I didn’t stick around to check, Detective,” she growled. “Anyway, all I did was put some belladonna in his whiskey, it’s a sedative.”

“Only in small doses,” she murmured, knowing its full potential if used in excess. “We need to get downstairs, he’ll suspect something is up if not.”

xxxxxxx

Patience wasn’t a trait that Klaus Mikaelson possessed. But when he arrived in San Juan, it seemed to become a little easier to wait, to observe, to take everything in.

To take her in.

He knew what she was, the town was rife with rumours after all, but he wasn’t expecting to feel so bewitched so soon.

Blonde waves, creamy skin and expressive, blue eyes that matched the colour of the nearby ocean. He’d faltered, albeit momentarily, and then regained his composure and asked for her sister. He noticed her once sunny expression darken and suddenly he wanted to take it all back just to see her smile again.

Standing in the garden after she’d gone to fetch her sister, Klaus tried to ignore just how good her toned backside and hips looked swinging from side to side in those dark, denim jeans.

She seemed familiar, almost like they’d met before but that would be impossible, right? That’s what he told himself anyway.

Katherine Pierce was everything he imagined. Poised, charming and flirtatious, she obviously had a way with men, Aleksey Romanoff included. She’d rattled off a story about their turbulent relationship, his violent tendencies and not seeing him for weeks. She even mentioned a weakness for men in suits, he all but stopped in recommending his older brother Elijah.

Klaus could tell she was lying. But he hadn’t pushed, mainly because her protective sister seemed to be sending him death stares from the kitchen sink. Was it wrong to feel so turned on? He left but with the promise of further questioning.

His restlessness grew at the nearby bed and breakfast he was staying at and Klaus found himself gravitating towards ‘Nourish’ the store owned by one Caroline Pierce. Klaus told himself it was for intelligence, nothing else.

“I didn’t take you for an organic moisturizer kind of guy?” She asked as he perused the shelves. If he thought she looked stunning yesterday, she looked beautiful in a flowing, white dress. And it didn’t help her floral perfume was messing with his senses.

“I moisturize,” he shot back, defensively. What he wasn’t expecting was for her to cup his chin and caress his stubble, her blue eyes regarding him seriously.

“Daily?” He was a bit taken aback by her intimate gesture to respond at first but eventually found his voice.

“When I have time,” he murmured.

“The life of a high flying FBI agent is never done I assume?” She guessed, finally letting go but all Klaus wanted was for her to keep touching him and never stop. His arousal was confirming that very fact.

“Something like that,” he rasped, knowing the real reason he couldn’t keep up his daily routine. “So, what do you recommend?”

“If this is your way of interrogating me then…”

“I’m on some rare downtime,” he said, even if it was a lie. Caroline Pierce was doing something to him and Klaus wasn’t quite sure he wanted it to end anytime soon.

“Peppermint.”

“Excuse me?” She gestured behind him.

“Your skin is on the dry side so I’d suggest the peppermint facial cream.”

“Dry?” He suddenly felt self conscious. No one had ever done that, until right now. He wanted to hate her for voicing a physical weakness but for some reason Klaus just wanted to prove her wrong and hastily picked up the bottle to pay for it.

“It’s nothing to be worried about,” she teased, packing his purchase. “I’m sure this will clear things up straight away.” But would his feelings follow suit? He wasn’t so sure.

“Promise?” He grinned.

“Or your money back.”

“I’ll hold you to that, Ms Pierce,” he joked, making his way from the store, every fiber of his being willing him to stay but he knew that wasn’t wise given his mission.

“He came into the store, like obviously he’s never heard of boundaries, Bon,” Caroline hissed, taking another tequila shot. She forgot how many that was but didn’t really care as she sucked on the lime wedge.

“And why exactly are you so bothered?” She asked, wiping down the bar as she peered at her best friend curiously.

“Well, obviously all the Kat drama,” she rolled her eyes.

“Maybe but you do realise I can see through you given we’ve been best friends since you put a spell on Jimmy Hall in the playground? I’ll never forget how he just happened to fall off those monkey bars and break his arm after teasing us all relentlessly.”

“Says the girl who could have cast her own spell,” she joked, albeit quietly. Bonnie Bennett had arrived in San Juan at the age of four and she, Katherine and Caroline had become fast friends, mainly because they were all witches. And for that reason outcasts at their school.

“I can also sense a mystical connection a mile away,” Bonnie offered. “He’s the guy, isn’t he? No one could get you this riled up.”

Caroline was hoping she wouldn’t ask but Bonnie had a sixth sense that rivalled even the most powerful witches. She couldn’t explain the connection she felt towards him but that explanation seemed to make sense. “I don’t know, well not exactly, I mean I not sure…”

“He is!” She exclaimed, piercing the general bar din as she said it and earning curious glances in their direction.

“I did that spell so I would never fall in love,” she mumbled. “No one is that unique or perfect.”

“Who’s perfect?” His low growl was causing foreign sensations to take over her body. How did this man make a simple Henley look so damn delectable? And was he stalking her?

“Well, not you,” she shot back at the intrusion and took the opportunity to down another shot for courage.

“Nobody’s perfect, love,” he agreed. “I’ll have what she’s having.” Bonnie was momentarily speechless before pouring his shot.

“Stalking is illegal in all fifty states, including Washington,” Caroline coughed, trying to ignore the burning sensation in her throat from the last shot. “I would have thought as an FBI agent you’d be familiar with the law.”

“I’m not stalking you,” he promised in that crisp accent that could lull her into a false sense of security. “It’s a small town. It’s kind of difficult to not run into anyone as I’m sure you’d know about.”

“Why are you still here then?” She bristled. “My sister said she hadn’t seen him in weeks.”

“And given yours and her body language that doesn’t seem true. The townsfolk seem to think you’re hiding things and I can’t say I disagree.”

“I never took you for the hanging committee,” she shot back, placing her lime wedge on the bar. “But it’s not like we’re not used to it.”

“I believe in innocent ‘till proven guilty,” he smiled, startling her by rubbing her lips softly. “Salt.” He offered by way of explanation, his gaze never leaving hers. She was rendered speechless, even Bonnie’s knowing look wasn’t enough to break her from the trance he’d created.

Beautiful bastard.

“I’m perfectly capable of looking after myself, buddy,” she slurred, the effects of the tequila suddenly making her sight blur and the room start to spin.

“I know that,” he murmured, his hand finding its way around her waist to keep her upright. “I think we’ll take the cheque.” Caroline could barely register what was happening until she woke hours later disoriented in her bedroom fully clothed and extremely dehydrated.

Then snippets of her memory came flashing back.

Klaus Mikaelson guiding her towards the house, his arm supportively around her waist. Klaus Mikaelson removing her shoes, placing the blanket over her and putting her to bed. Klaus Mikaelson rubbing her forehead and placing a chaste kiss on her temple and murmuring, albeit quietly.

“I dreamed of you too, love.”

She sat up with a start, trying to ignore the pain ripping through her head and work out whether it was really a dream. What did she say to him to make him say that?

xxxxxx

He didn’t mean to reveal that fact, but given she was practically sleeping Klaus thought it was safe. He ran his hands through his curls distractedly, this mission was supposed to be easy. It was anything but given the feelings she’d conjured inside him and not just because she was a witch.

When he placed a kiss on her temple, it took all his willpower not to stay the night and pull her into his embrace under the covers. What was happening to him? Klaus Mikaelson didn’t do emotions, it was always easier that way.

He’d been lying to her but usually it didn’t matter who he deceived, until now. He’d barely awoken before he saw the door fly open and she was standing at the foot of his bed, blue eyes blazing.

“Knocking wouldn’t go astray,” he smirked, stretching his arms. “Unless you purposely wanted to see me naked, Pierce?”

“You wish,” she hissed, but he couldn’t miss the blush spreading across her cheeks as she regarded his naked form. “What do you want from me?”

“I told you…”

“Who are you, really?” He was taken aback by just how direct she was being and for some reason he felt like he couldn’t lie given her penetrating stare.

“How about if I share with you, you share with me too?” He suggested, sitting up and allowing the sheet to pool around his waist revealing his bare chest.

“I’ll keep that under advisement,” she shot back, but he couldn’t miss the way her eyes were devouring his toned chest. “You first.”

“I’m not really an FBI agent...”

“Wow, you don’t say?”

“I’m a werewolf,” he admitted gingerly, noting her surprised expression and he was sure she was mentally kicking herself for not making the supernatural connection. He did all he could to mask his identity, it wasn’t her fault.

“He can howl at the moon,” she groaned loudly, flopping onto the nearest chair. Klaus wasn’t quite sure where she was going with this. “I really should have known.”

“Aleksey Romanoff is the alpha of a rival Russian pack. He killed two of my siblings Finn and Freya. He’s dangerous, like with your sister. I think he’s still alive, that’s why I came here.”

“So, you used me for revenge? Pretended you were somebody else because this was all a ruse.”

“I never intended on involving you or your sister,” he confessed. “If anything I felt drawn to you and being here has only amplified that fact.”

“Well, how about I leave and then everything between us will be severed for good,” she whimpered. He couldn’t miss the hurt in those blue eyes, before she fled.

Suddenly revenge didn’t matter at all.

Caroline Forbes had managed to capture every brief emotion he’d felt and it wasn’t many given his thousand year existence.

He needed to get her back. Now.

On FF Here

#klaroween bingo #klaroween #klaroline drabbles #misssophiachase #practical magic #fusion

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ortizobsessed · 6 years

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All I Care About Is You - Part 1

This is my second time writing fan fiction and I am absolutely loving it. I apologize for how long this one is, but I couldn’t stop once I got started! I almost think I might do a second part to this one in the future…we’ll see!

( PART 2 / PART 3 )

Curvy Reader x Juice where they have been dating for a couple of months and one night things start getting heated between them, but she is a virgin and isn’t quite ready to take that step yet.

Warnings: Some fairly mild smut, a couple swears, and mention of personal insecurities.

Word Count: 2100

Masterlist

You walked into the clubhouse and immediately locked eyes with Juice from across the room. He smiled at you and you felt your heart skip a beat.

Chibs, who you hadn’t noticed was sitting on the couch when you walked in, stood up and put an arm around your shoulders, pulling you from your almost dream-like state, staring at the man you adored.

“Ah, young love,” Chibs said with a smirk, looking from you to Juice, then back at you again. You immediately felt your cheeks flush and you opened your mouth to speak but was interrupted by him again, “You know he doesn’t shut up about you. The kid is completely smitten.”

“I know it’s only been a couple of months, but if I’m being totally honest, I still don’t know what he sees in me,” you said as you grabbed the sides of your sweater and wrapped them around yourself. You had your good days, but you had never truly found yourself attractive, and you couldn’t believe that a man as handsome as Juice had even taken a second look at you, nevermind actually wanting to be with you.

“Oh don’t think like that, love,” Chibs replied as he gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze, his arm still around you. “You are a beautiful lass, inside and out, and that little shit over there is lucky to have you,” he said, nodding in Juice’s direction, making you laugh.

“Thanks Chibs,” you said as your tensed shoulders began to relax, and you looked up at him and smiled.

“No thanks needed Darlin’, just stating the truth! Now go on, I can practically hear his heart pounding from here,” Chibs said with a laugh.

You nodded and headed over to Juice, who was sitting at the table, drink in hand, talking to Jax and Tig.

“There she is!” Tig exclaimed as you sat on Juice’s lap. Juice set his free hand on your waist and you felt your stomach tense. “You know, this boy hasn’t been able to talk about anything except how excited he is to finally see you again,” Tig said with a cheeky grin.

You had been in Colorado visiting your family for the last few days because it was your mother’s birthday. “I’ve been pretty anxious to get back here myself!” You looked at Juice and smiled, and he smiled back.

“Okay, lovebirds, we get it! You need some time alone,” Jax teased. “I should get home and check on my boys anyway.”

Jax stood up, Tig following suit, after taking one last swig of beer and setting the empty bottle on the table.

“Try not to have too much fun,” Tig said through a smirk as he winked at Juice.

“Goodnight guys…” Juice seemed annoyed by their presumptuous remarks, and as they walked out the door, Chibs included, Juice looked at you and said, “I’m sorry for that. Everyone around here seems to have a one-track mind.”

“It’s okay, Juice. I know it’s only been a couple of months, but I’ve figured that much out already,” you said with a light giggle.

You stood up and put your hand out. Juice set his drink down and put his hand in yours, standing up and pulling you into a loving hug. You hadn’t realized just how long those 4 days had felt until you were in his embrace again, breathing in the slight scent of the cologne he always wore. “Damn, he always smells so good,” you thought to yourself, as you pulled back slightly to look up at him, your arms still wrapped around his waist. He leaned down and kissed you on the forehead.

You couldn’t believe you had found a man who was as gentle as he was. Everything he did, from the way he looked at you, to the way he held you, made you feel loved and cared for.

“Come on, you must be exhausted” he said as he grabbed one of your hands from around his waist, and lead you to his room.

As you walked over to the bed and sat down, Juice closed the door and headed for his dresser. “Do you want something comfy to change into?” he asked as he pulled open the top drawer and took out his navy blue SAMCRO shirt. You couldn’t tell if he had picked that shirt because he secretly knew you loved it, or if it was just a happy coincidence.

“There’s nothing I’d love more than to get out of these jeans and into something comfortable,” you replied. He handed you the shirt and a pair of pyjama pants. “I’ll brush my teeth while you change,” he said as he took off his kutte, unbuckled his belt, and kicked off his pants, leaving him in only his boxers and a white shirt. He walked into the bathroom, leaving the door cracked open slightly.

You had put his shirt on, but hadn’t quite had enough time to put the pyjama pants on yet, when you realized that you could see him perfectly in the bathroom mirror. He looked up, just about to put his toothbrush in his mouth, when he made eye contact with you in the reflection. He snapped his gaze away quickly, but slowly turned his head back until you two were looking at each other. He set down his toothbrush, took a couple steps to the side and turned in the doorway so that he was looking at you, desire in his eyes.

You were standing about 10 steps away from each other, as he looked you up and down. “Fuck, you look absolutely stunning standing there in nothing but my shirt.”

“Do I?” you replied quietly, looking down at the clothes, or lack of, that you had on.

“You do.”

Juice walked over to you ever so slowly, as you felt yourself pulling at the bottom of his shirt, trying to get it to cover more of your thighs. He noticed you fidgeting, and grabbed your hands in his, pulling you close. “You don’t have to hide from me, I think you’re beautiful just the way you are.”

His words made your stomach do backflips. He leaned down and kissed you passionately, one hand finding its way into your hair, the other he placed on your lower back, pulling you in closer. You brought your arms up and wrapped them around his neck, leaning into the kiss.

As Juice started moving slowly, you hit the edge of the bed with the back of your legs causing you to fall backwards gently, pulling him down on top of you.

He broke away from the kiss to look in your eyes momentarily, before placing soft kisses along your jawline and down your neck. He placed his hand under your right knee, pulling you close enough that you could feel his erection through your panties. You blushed at the thought of him being hard for you without you even having to do anything.

Juice rolled onto his back, you now straddling him, and sat up so that you were face to face. He pulled his shirt over his head, revealing the tattoos on his muscular chest. He placed his hands on both sides of your face and you stared into his kind brown eyes, suddenly feeling the knots in your stomach tighten. You cared deeply for him, and you could feel that your body wanted to give itself to him, bad, but all the insecurities swirling around in your head just wouldn’t allow you to have sex with him. At least not tonight.

You gave him a sweet smile, before grabbing both of his hands, pulling them off of your face, and looking off to the side. He noticed the change in your demeanour, and immediately asked, “What’s wrong, Y/N?” He searched your face for any signs of what was going through your mind. “Sweetheart I am so sorry if I pushed you to do something you didn’t want to do, I honestly didn’t mean for anything to happen tonight, I just lost control when I saw you standing there because you are so damn sexy, but I am very sorry if I did anything to make you uncomfortable, please say someth-“ you kissed him to stop him from rambling, and as you pulled away you said gently, “It’s nothing you did, Juan, I promise.”

A look of confusion found a home on his face as you shifted yourself off of him and sat on the bed facing him, with your legs crossed and your hands in his.

“It’s just… I’ve never…” you started, looking up at him just long enough to catch a glimpse of the look on his face. He was looking at you in a way you didn’t expect. He didn’t look disappointed or disgusted like your last boyfriend had when you told him you had never slept with anyone before. Juice had a look of genuine adoration on his face, and he squeezed your hands gently, causing you to look up at him.

“Have you never had sex before?” he asked through a slight grin.

You shifted in place, trying to find a way to reply that didn’t make you sound like a complete amateur, but failing. “I mean I’ve… well… no not exactly,” you said as you pulled your hands away from him and wrapped them around your waist. His grin slowly faded as he realized that this was more than just you being nervous about your first time.

“Hey, Y/N, you don’t have to worry about me judging you, if that’s what you’re thinking,” he said gently. “I don’t care how many people you’ve slept with, all I care about is you, and what you want.”

You looked at him and he was giving you a warm smile. Knowing that he wouldn’t judge you based on your lack of experience was reassuring, but your real concern was your body. “It’s just, the last guy I was with turned into a completely different person when I told him I was nervous because I’d never been with anyone before. He tried to pressure me into sleeping with him by telling me that I would never find anyone who would ‘put up with my body’ the way he did…” You could feel the tears building in your eyes. “I haven’t been able to open up to anyone since. It’s just really hard for me to be comfortable being intimate with someone when I’m embarrassed by my body.” As one tear escaped and rolled down your cheek, Juice reached up and wiped it away before you could.

“Hey hey hey,” he said gently, shifting and pulling you into his side, wrapping one arm around you, and intertwining the fingers on his other hand with yours. A few more tears rolled down your face as Juice slowly shifted back on the bed and you helped him pull the covers out from underneath you. You both laid down, pulling the covers up just past your waists, as he wrapped his arms around you and you rested your head on his chest.

“That guy is an asshole, and he couldn’t be more wrong. He clearly has no regard for anyone’s feelings but his own, and I am so very sorry that his opinion has made you feel this way, but I completely understand. I don’t want to pressure you into anything you’re not ready for, and when the time comes, I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. But until then, I promise I am going to do everything in my power to help you see yourself the way I see you.”

Juice’s words calmed the storm inside you as you breathed in a long, deep breath and sighed against his chest. “You are an amazing person Juan Carlos. I don’t know how I got so lucky,” you said with a shaky voice.

“Believe me, I’m the lucky one,” he replied gently. He pulled you in even tighter than you already were, and you could feel the muscles in his arms around your back, and you laughed lightly.

“What?” he asked.

“I just can’t believe I’m such a mess right now. I must be a special kind of crazy to make you stop. I mean look at you!” you stated, running one finger down his chest and over the muscles on his stomach. He laughed right along with you.

“Well don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere,” he said as he grabbed your hand that was resting on his stomach and kissed it, as you two slowly drifted to sleep.

#all i care about is you #juice imagine #soa imagine #sons of anarchy imagine #juan carlos ortiz #juice ortiz #theo rossi #sons of anarchy #soa #samcro #redwood original #men of mayhem #juice ortiz imagine #juan carlos ortiz imagine #fan fiction #juice smut #juan carlos ortiz smut #juice ortiz smut

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thegurlbehindthesmile · 3 years

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Head Storm.

If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.

i'm frustrated.

sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.

for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.

why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)

and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.

the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.

i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.

it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.

It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.

i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)

i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.

freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.

its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.

sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.

this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.

i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.

brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.

i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.

i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.

he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.

i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.

i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.

i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.

i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)

i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.

i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.

ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)

if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.

time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.

as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.

its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.

i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.

how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.

i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.

as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.

i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.

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lizzizzie-blog · 6 years

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At the Bottom of Everything

Well, Saturday the 10th was my 31st birthday. I am officially in my thirties. Last year, my unexpected existential angst about turning 30 drove me to write the first post for this thing, and like I wrote in the last post before this one, a lot happened in 2017. Too much.

In my first post, I wrote some thoughts about what I might accomplish in year 30. Let’s review:

“Maybe 30 will be the year that I grow up and address my physical health.” Nope.

“Maybe 30 will be the year that I get it together enough to clean my shower with minimally acceptable frequency.” Also no. Oh well.

“Maybe 30 will be the year during which I finally give in and start budgeting like a responsible person should.” This is a yes, but only because things got tighter than ever with purchasing a business, and we haven’t had a choice. It’s still not even budgeting, though. I’m great at expense tracking, but my version of budgeting is just… not buying anything except food.

“Maybe 30 will be the year I stop spilling shit and running into shit all. the. time.” NOPE, definitely not. I am currently rocking eight bruises on one leg, from thigh to foot. Six of them are from one fall (I failed to notice a step), and the other two are from running into the edge of same glass-top desk two days in a row last week.

“Maybe 30 will be the year I will give myself permission to do less.” I actually did pretty well with this one. I’ve gotten better at making decisions based on what I actually need and want, rather than what I feel I should do. I’ve started to say no when I can’t do things. This has been partly out of necessity, but also partly out of my commitment to (try to) love and forgive and not judge myself the way I easily love and forgive and don’t judge others. I’m doing what I need to do, and I’m saying no… I’m doing those things, but it still feels wrong. It still hurts and still makes me feel guilty and like a shitty friend/family member. But… baby steps. I’m working on it.

“Maybe 30 will be the year during which I grow completely out of trying to guess what my mom would think (but not actually asking her because I’m a #grownasswoman who values her own opinions) as a means of decision-making.” I’m getting better at this, too! Not just with my mom (whose opinions are still usually right), but in general. Related to the above, I’m valuing my own opinions and instincts more highly than I ever have, and I’m getting better at not apologizing for having them.

...So, I don’t know. I guess I was hoping for better/more personal improvement, but really I’m just proud I survived this year. It was hard. It was exhausting. It still is. I am so, so tired. There is way too much happening. My husband is working his ass off to make our store work, making difficult decisions and stressing, and I don’t see him very much. My job is still fully overwhelming and way too much for one person, and it’s totally kicking my ass. I’m always behind and the deadlines keep coming and more work keeps getting added and I feel like I’m failing all the time. I don’t have as much time or money or energy for my friends and family as I once did, and I feel like I’m letting everyone down. But I’m surviving, and I’m trying to take it one day at a time. And life keeps happening.

Saturday, March 10th was my 31st birthday. On Sunday the 11th, I got sick. I slept all day Sunday, and took the day off work on Monday. We also experienced a really shitty setback with the store on Monday (which I will leave cryptically vague because that’s not my story to tell). On Tuesday, I flew to Puerto Rico for work. If you’ve ever traveled while sick, you know just how awful it is. It was not a good day. Tuesday afternoon, after my coworker (who had to put up with my pathetic ass all week; she’s the best) and I found our way to our Airbnb (which didn’t have power) is when I missed the step and fell. It hurt. I was so tired, but I couldn’t sleep that night. Wednesday afternoon, I lost my voice. I spent all of Thursday and Friday fully unable to communicate above a whisper, which was incredibly frustrating since I was supposed to be training people and just, you know, functioning as a human person. We were staying in San Juan overnight on Friday to catch early flights on Saturday, and I tried to remain pleasant with my coworkers as we hung out and went out to eat, which was exhausting in itself. But then the week was finally over.

Saturday the 17th, I got on a plane to Atlanta at 6:20am. I dozed on and off throughout most of the flight in my well-earned Comfort Plus seat just behind first class. When I woke up the final time, I checked the flight tracker on the in-flight entertainment screen, and noticed we only had 20 minutes left in flight. That struck me as bizarre, because there hadn’t been any announcements about beginning our initial descent or returning our tray tables to the upright and locked position etc etc. As soon as I had that thought, the pilot came over the speaker and told us we’d be landing shortly, but that they would need us all to remain seated for a while after because they were “dealing with an issue onboard.” Oh shit. Then the flight attendant came over the speaker to repeat the message and clarify that they were “assisting a passenger who wasn’t feeling well” which, in retrospect, is a ridiculous euphemism. Then I noticed the relative commotion in first class, and the beeping of what turned out to be an oxygen machine. I noticed a passenger standing in his seat, looking concernedly at his seatmate and speaking with the flight attendant in the aisle. Then I saw another passenger from first class stand up from where he’d been crouching in the aisle, stethoscope around his neck. His expression was morose. It became clear that this passenger who was “not feeling well” was traveling alone and not doing well.

Next, the flight attendant looked around first class and said, to no one and everyone, “we’re going to need to lay him down in the aisle for landing.” I watched as several first class passengers stood up immediately and gathered around the person’s seat. There was suddenly a “we” as they all helped to lower the person (who I could now see was a man) to the floor. The flight attendant continued to crouch with him in the aisle, presumably holding the oxygen in place. I overheard the woman across from me turn to the person she was with and report to them that he was “an enormous man,” as if that was a relevant piece of information.

We landed and sped to the gate. The paramedics entered the plane and immediately began CPR. I heard the flight attendant tell them that he’d had no pulse for 25-30 minutes and that “the machine wasn’t working.” The pilots and all the flight attendants were gathered watching, some comforting one another. After a few minutes, they lifted the man and took him off the plane. The pilot came over the speaker again and told us they were continuing to do CPR in the jet bridge and asked for our continued patience. We sat for another ten or fifteen minutes. The two men in my row were talking to one another (but not me), criticizing the way the flight attendants had handled the situation, and swapping medical-situations-they’d-witnessed stories. The woman across from me reiterated how large the man was, and asked her travel companion two different times when their connecting flight was and whether they could make it, after he’d assured her the first time that they’d be fine. I was keeping to myself, taking deep breaths, hoping like hell that they’d revive the man, and steeling myself for news to the contrary.

Eventually, the pilot came over the speaker again. He mumbled a bit, and then sighed and said, “I don’t know what to say. I’m really at a loss for words over this tragic situation” (at which point the tears I’d been holding in finally spilled over) and thanked us again for our patience and cooperation. I sniffled and cried my way off the plane, and one person from the row in front of me kindly asked if I was okay. I said “of course I’m fine, it’s not about me, it’s just really sad.” I cried my way through the Atlanta airport to my connecting gate, including hiding in two different restrooms to sob. After I got to my gate and sat down and continued to cry into my hands, a woman offered me tissues. She must have noticed I’d used them, because she also went and got me napkins from the restaurant across from our gate. It was really kind of her. I was surrounded by people. But no one said anything to me.

I cried for a lot of reasons. I felt so awfully for the flight attendants who tried to save him, and for the pilots who likely felt responsible but were powerless to help, and for the random strangers in first class who tried to help and had to see all of that up close, especially for the person in the seat next to him who was so intimately involved the entire time. I felt so badly for the man’s family and friends who’d have to find out that their loved one had died alone… tragically, publicly. I felt angry that while he was dying, strangers discussed his weight and turned it into a pissing contest about other things they’d seen and worried about their connecting flights. I felt confused because, although two people showed me kindness, I was politely ignored by countless others while in obvious emotional distress. I felt upset with myself that I was allowing it to affect me so much, when it didn’t even really happen to me. I felt resentful of my overly empathetic nature. I felt tired. I felt really, really sad. (I still feel all these things.)

Anyway, I managed to make it through my last flight, to baggage claim, and out to my car, and cried again on the drive home, while listening to Bright Eyes. Because obviously. It’s always events like this that shake us up and remind us of how focused we are on the day to day, on getting our jobs done and planning for the future. Right when life is totally overwhelming me, when I’m caught up in resenting how hard it all is, I’m reminded again that the future is not promised. That all the day to day BS is really pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

We must blend into the choir, sing as static with the whole We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul And in this endless race for property and privilege to be won We must run, we must run, we must run

We must hang up in the belfry where the bats and moonlight laugh We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past Into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love We must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge

(And then we'll get down there, way down to the bottom of everything And then we'll see it, we'll see it, we'll see it)

Oh my morning's coming back The whole world's waking up All the city buses swimming past I'm happy just because I found out I am really no one

As of today (Monday the 19th), I finally have a little bit of my voice back. I’m not coughing up green stuff as much, and my nose is not quite so raw from blowing it. There is work to be done, meetings to be facilitated, and deadlines to be met, and I don’t have time to take time off, but… it’s too much. I woke up and I couldn’t do it. I’m too exhausted, physically and emotionally. I was in tears before 9am. I had to tell my boss everything and, thankfully, she is wonderful and took pity on me. She offered to help with my work and told me to take the time I need to rest and process. So that means I took this afternoon off. And while I realistically need more than half a day off work, this is what I can get, and I am making the most of it. So… I guess this is processing? It’s definitely resting. I’m on my laptop in my bed, with my sweet kitty curled up next to me. My eyes are finally clear of tears because I’m focused on writing this instead of just thinking all these thoughts to myself.

It was a horrible week. Life is hard. I am tired, and this post was mostly a huge bummer. But… for once, I’m not going to apologize for it. It’s true. And it is what it is.

Take care. I love you.

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

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Survey #164

“on my forehead, a birthmark; remove it with a kiss of the knife, even if it causes me to die.”

Do you look like your mom? I'm told I do, but never seen it? Then again I'm bad at noticing subtle facial differences. When was the last time you overslept? I never have a time I need to get up now, so, couldn't tell you. What would you do if you could do anything without failing? Hm. One thing? That's tough. I guess... ride a rollercoaster without getting sick or, y'know, dying? I really, really wanna experience the adrenaline, but. Name something that happened to you that was completely unexpected? Bitch I don't even think my mother believed I would get over Jason. I feel like anyone who knew me well would've thought I'd never actually heal. Do you judge people that have multiple piercings? As if, when I want a lot. Have you read the Bible? Little of it. Do you think it’s cruel to keep an animal in a cage while you’re away? Depends on the size of the cage, if they're destructive when alone, and how long you're gone. Are there any lyrics to describe your current crush/relationship? "If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn" by SwS screams. Do you ever receive comments on your weight? Not unless it's a doctor and I ask or if I'm asking Mom if I look like I lost any. Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? Sometimes. When you need a temporary escape, what do you do? Go to sleep. What was the last lie that you believed in? I dunno. How long did your last feelings of heartbreak last? Like a year and a half. Do you ever have difficulty opening pill-bottle caps? Rarely. Are you uncomfortable with being photographed? No. How vivid are your memories? They can be extremely vivid while others are totally blurry. What is the worst question that someone could ask you? If I was offered a certain cold medicine. Or if someone asked about my left wrist. One would probably make me cry, the other would bury me in embarrassment. Have you ever ridden in a car with someone who was high? The driver. I was fucking terrified. That gets your ass in jail here. Who is the best hugger you know? I dunno. Sara and Girt both give great hugs. Juan did. I just like hugs okay. What is the next concert you will attend? Mom and I are desperately gonna try for Metallica in January. She literally cried and laughed hysterically when she found out they were coming; it was the sweetest damn thing I'd ever seen. Always told her we're going before she dies, and I plan on ensuring that. It's her dream. The tickets are just unsurprisingly more expensive than the average concert with who they are. What is the longest you have ever slept? Around 12 hours. Have you ever had to be put to sleep for an operation? Yes, tubes in ears and cyst removal. Have you ever had to clean up someone else’s vomit? No, and there is no fucking way I ever could. Human or animal. I would puke. Do you have any friends that are more than 2 years younger than you? One off the top of my head. Have you ever kissed some one with braces? No. Have you ever been able to do a split? Nope, not even when I was in dance. Are you intimidated by the last person you know talked badly about you? Embarrassingly, to some degree. Now in my defense, I'm afraid of most people, but she is a witch that fires straight for your insecurities, and I think it's pretty clear that I'm extremely sensitive. Have you ever cried in school? In the bathroom, I know I have, but I think I probably have teared up in class. What is the most times you have thrown up in one day? I dunno, maybe 4+ when I've had a virus? Last person to say your name? Mom, probs. Are any of your siblings married? Two are, no clue about Tiffany. Do you think the last person you kissed has ever lied to you? I'm aware she has, but I'm sure I probably did too when we were both asshole kids lmao. Who was your closest friend 4 years ago? Are you still close to that person? Colleen, and no. Have you ever liked someone else when you already had a boyfriend/girlfriend? What happened? It was one of the reasons I broke up with him. Is there a certain song that never seems to get old, no matter how many times you hear it? I will always be in the mood for Manson's "Third Day of a Seven Day Binge." Do you like to have croutons in your salad? Ugh no. Which do you find more irritating - sunburn or bug bites? Sunburn. What shape/type of fry do you like best [waffle fry, curly fry, steak fry, sweet potato fry, tater tot, etc.]? Hmm maybe curly. What’s your favorite type of bird? Barn owls. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 114. What pet names do you use with your significant other? OH GOD. "Honeybee," "pretty woman," "love(ly)," "sweetie," "hun(ny)," "babe," "baby(girl)," and yeesh probably more. Do you carry any means of protection on you while out in public? No, but I do plan on getting pepper spray once I'm more independent/on my own. Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? Nooooo I ain't dyin' today. What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? I was once in great shape oops. What’s your longest road trip? I can't recall if Florida or NY was longer... Do you have any videos on your phone? If so, of what? Yes, the video that Sara sent me of Jem reaching for her. Actually the most precious thing I've seen. Do you think that your bedroom is a reflection of your personality? Or would people look at your room and misjudge you? Sure. Who would you really like to become better friends with? Yeesh, a lot of people... Mostly old friends. Do you personally know anybody who has more than five tattoos? Yeah. How big is your bed? Queen. Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party? No. Do you think it’s important for children to have a father figure in their life as they grow up? Gave some thought to this, and no. It's preferable to have two parents, but who says gender really matters? Just give the child two caring, unwaveringly supportive adults that can both teach them different things. Tbh I think having gay parents would allow you to grow up more open-minded anyway. Do you include your middle initial in your signature? Only if I'm supposed to. Have you ever imagined how it would feel kissing a certain someone? Yeah. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yes. If you could have one more pet, what? One more python morph. Something you want to buy real bad? A drawing tablet. Something you would NEVER buy? Traditional mouse traps came to mind first. Inhumane as all hell. Now those that get them caught in a box, sure, because it in no way harms them. Just take them outside, asshole. What do you think will happen when you die? Hopefully, go to a positive afterlife of peace. It'd be amazing if you saw Heaven as you've always pictured it, but who knows how that works. I just about actually pray that you see loved ones again. Could you wait until marriage for sex? I could, yeah, but I'm pretty sure I dropped the abstinence thing. How would you describe your sense of humor? Dry and incredibly sarcastic. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yes. Do you currently have any bruises on your body? No. Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? No. Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? A good number, yeah. A solar one? No. :c Do you know anyone who writes huge essays when they message you? Yeah, I don't mind! Show interest in talking!! Do you think your first love still loves you? Definitely not. I don't think he has a spot for me anywhere in his heart, really. Are you someone who has to analyze everything? Hi, I'm Brittany. What’s the last thing that scared the hell out of you? Mom popping up at my door talking when I had NO clue she was home. Do you have any awkward music downloaded on your iPod? I have "Daddy" by PSY can I jump off a bridge now. Have you ever been to church? What was it like? Yes, and it's something I've never enjoyed since being a little kid. Even in my more religious phases, I didn't enjoy it. It's boring and revolves way too much around "God is in control of everything," which sorry, don't believe so. Has a member of the opposite sex ever seen you naked? Yes. Do you use an umbrella when it rains? No. What articles of clothing have you been wanting to buy/did you buy recently? BITCH let me be small enough to wear gothic-looking corsets like I am TURNED ON. Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? No. If you could either be fire resistant or breathe underwater, which would you rather be capable of? Hmmm fire resistant, I guess. Have you ever bought fake money and tried to make it pass for real? No. Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? Yup. If you have any piercings, who did them? Claire's and then two parlors here. Do you know someone who had completely changed for the worse when he/she started hanging out with another person? If so, who? HAHAHAHA JASON. He got closer to the ego-fueled Dillon, and then he began to change. Have you ever been pulled over, but just let off with a warning? No. Do you like mash-up songs? Occasionally. What do you consider to be a bad grade? For me, a low B. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? If I wanted kids, probably not. I don't think I'd be the appropriate guardian for one with severe disorders. Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yes. Has a pet ever stolen food from you as you were eating it? Probably. Are you more comfortable kissing a boy or a girl? No preference. Have you ever kissed someone and hated it? He kissed me, but it was legit awful. Who in your family is the hardest to please? Grandma. Would you ever pierce your “private” areas? *holds out holy cross @ parlor* What type of humor do you find funniest? CLEVER. And, surprisingly, self-deprecating if you cast it as confident. I just like when people are able to joke about themselves. NOW, this is a sense of humor to be careful with of course, but some can use it hilariously. What types of things fascinate you? WOWIE SO MUCH!! Caves, outer space, how spiders design webs, lightning bugs, abandoned buildings and shacks, animal behavior (especially w/ social species), witchcraft, the paranormal, and... wow, so much more. The universe is just incredible! What kind of place would you want to raise your children? Answering for if I actually wanted them: Out. In. Nature. It's a shame how reliant we are on technology - myself included -, so I'd want my children to know true fun and knowledge is found outdoors. Teach them an appreciation for the outdoors and the creatures we share this planet with. So I'd definitely want to live out in the woods more than I naturally do. Has your father met the boy you currently love? *girl, but yes. Haven't directly asked him, but I'm quite sure he likes her. Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom or your dad? Probably Dad. He's easier to get along with, very fun, and then I just don't get to see him nearly enough. What serial killer do you find most disturbing? Don't know much about any, but I know Charles Manson was all kinds of fucked up. Have you ever written or received a suicide note? Written. Do you have the same color hair as your siblings? Yes. Do you have the same color eyes as your siblings? Only Bobby. What is your favorite type of cat? Persian. What’s your opinion on tattoos in the workforce? How about piercings? JUDGE BY WORK ETHIC, NOT HOW THEY FUCKING LOOK. Do women breastfeeding in public make you feel uncomfortable? Why or why not? If you have a problem with a mother feeding her hungry child naturally, I don't want to know you. At all. This is a "controversial" topic where it is only black and white: You're either an ignorant ass, or an intelligent human being that knows what the hell breasts are for. Who in your life makes you the most uncomfortable? My sister's husband, probably. He's against just about everything about me, and his judgment is pretty damn intense. I don't go to church, my hair "isn't feminine" like it "should be," and I'm in a gay relationship. I'm aware he doesn't like me even though he tries to put on a nice face. Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? Ha, shave my legs. What band would you most like to meet? Lemme meet Ozzy before he passes away 'cuz I need to THANK HIS ASS, plus he cracks me up. Do you have a least favorite day of the year? Not particularly... Well, I realized this year now that I'm healed that Jason's and my anniversary date gives me anxiety. I look back at just how demolished I was and wonder what it would be like if I never got help. 99.99% sure I'd be dead by now. Do you want someone you can’t have? No, I have her. :''''') When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Over a week back. I legitimately wanted to punch her. When was the last time you totally broke down? It's been awhile. Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? No. Do you ever listen to country music? It is rare as fuck if I actively look for a country song. Would you have sex with the 5th person on your text inbox? WELL, she's a minor, so, but she's also not my type romantically. She's a lil sis to me. Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Yes. If you could seek revenge on someone would you? No. What are you listening to right now? "Mutter" by Rammstein, ahhhh it's gorgeous & I wanna make a character influenced by the concept. Are you afraid of death? Not really. Do you think you have to be skinny in order to be beautiful? Fuck off. Have you ever drooled in public? Maybe? I don't recall a situation. Have you ever been bitten by a dog? No. Would you ever shave your head? The one and only situation I could see myself doing this is if my child had to have this happen for cancer or something and they were self-conscious, so I'd do the same. Have you ever drawn a picture with sidewalk chalk? Yeah, I used to love playing with chalk. What is the worst possible way to die? Maybe burning alive. Or getting slowly eaten alive. Have you ever burnt yourself with a lighter? No, I don't mess with them. They scare me. Would you ever meet someone you met online? Already have, and there's more I'd love to meet. Have you ever kissed the TV? Not to my memory. Would you rather visit a sunflower field or a pumpkin patch? Sunflower field. Have you ever found a four leaf clover? Yes, the day of or a couple after Dad left. I found a patch of them, actually. When you’re being kissed, do you like it when they hold your face? Yeah. Explain why you stopped kissing the last person you kissed? Well she had a plane waiting for her lmao. If you were on life support, would you want to be taken off? YES. FUCKING PLEASE. DO NOT LET ME SUFFER LIKE THAT. Who was your first kiss? First person I romantically kissed on the cheek was Juan, Juan was the first to kiss me, first *actual* kiss was Jason. What’s your favorite form of dancing? Modern. Make it some sorta creepy and creative shit. What’s the most disturbing thing you’ve ever been through? Hmmm. I guess uh. Obsessive and invasive thoughts? Have you ever been to a race track? (horses) No. Are you good at braiding hair? Don't even know how to. Or are you into PETA and all that? They're too extreme. Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? I already have one, but I don't even want it anymore. I have ideas I like more for them. It's my ohana one, but that's not really a suitable one for me? Family via blood, you're an ass? I'm not associating with you. "Family" by intense friendship, that ends if someone turns into an asshole too. Probably gonna end up getting it covered. Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? Yeah. Is there one person you look at and automatically smile? Sara and Mark. No seriously, there will probably be at least a small one there. Do you wake up cranky? Rarely. I can be if someone wakes me up, though. I'm generally okay when I wake up naturally. Do you get offended if someone repeatedly checks their mobile phone when you’re out for lunch or dinner? Like non-stop, I'm not offended, I just think it's pretty rude. Who is your favorite character from Friends? Don't watch it. How would you deal with a significant other who cried all the time? Try my absolute best to help them. What is your favorite flavor of Monster? I hate that stuff. Tastes like poison. Have you ever ran from the police? No. Have you ever written on someone’s face in your yearbook? Ha ha yup. Do you have any trophies? Yeah, in "treasure boxes" as we call them for sure. Would you cheat on someone for revenge? Or if they wouldn’t find out? No, I hate that shit. So petty. Rate your self confidence: 1 being insecure and 10 being cocky: Like... two or three. Does your family have a secret? Not that I know of. When/where are you most likely to sing? In the car. Are you in shape or more out of shape? HA. Do you have sympathy for those who hurt you? I guess it depends. Do you spend too much time at home? I'm just about a hermit because I have *nowhere* to go. I don't hang out with people, don't have a car. It sure is fun. Do you require visual assistance (i.e.; glasses or contacts)? I have glasses. My vision is atrocious without it, right eye especially. Ever held a newborn animal? Kittens, yes. Have any unpleasant public transit stories to tell? No. Are you afraid of failure? Yep. Have you been called a bad influence? Only by Colleen's mom, that I know of. Apparently me hanging out at the house and talking to and helping his mother whenever she needed it as well as always smiling at him was just awful for Keegan. What about Chinese food? Love it or hate it? Not a fan. All I ever like are fried rice and eggrolls. Do you get stage fright? When I was a dancer, I really didn't. Now if I was alone, probably would. Any current family issues? When is there not at least slight issues. Nothing big, though. Who is the last friend you spent time with outside of school? She's not my friend anymore, but Colleen. I haven't hung out with a current friend in many, many months. Do you think that people have the power to make their own lives better? YES!!! Literally never forget this. What is the biggest problem in your life right now? Extreme loneliness. What is the last movie you watched all the way through? Slender Man. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? No. Do you feel like nobody understands you? The only two that I believe certainly do are Sara especially, but also Mom. What’re your plans for today? I have therapy at four, got a shitload to talk about, and after that I have to take my files there to vocational rehab. Maybe drive around to look for photograph opportunities if Mom's up for it. That's it. Do you have a common first name? Very. I'm thankful it's a name I actually like, though. Do you know anyone with a lazy eye? Knew someone. Do you like spicy chips? Omfg YES. What’s the last movie you watched at a friend’s house? *former friend, Shrek. Her son loves it so we watched it almost every time I was over and bitch no complaints. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? Two, then another if you count my shoulder. Do you own a tea pot? No. Can you remember your parents’ birthdays? Mom's. I remember it because mine's Feb. 5th, then all I need to know is August as hers is August 5th. I know Dad's is in April. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? Well we were right outside an airport.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

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icecreambat · 7 years

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Story time: Dating everyone in P5 turned Joker into a sociopath

The first time I ended up dating more than one girl in a Persona game, it was an honest accident. I’d already imprinted on Chie in Persona 4, and had no idea comforting Yukiko during her social link would turn me into a two-timing douche. A quick save-state reload rectified this mistake, but it taught me an important lesson: in Persona games, monogamy is not the limit of your teenage life.

As Persona 5 rolled around, I grew fond of Makoto on my first playthrough. With her on my side I experienced the Phantom Thief thrill ride, maxing my social links while gently turning other girls down. It wasn’t until the NewGame+ that I wondered: wouldn’t it be interesting to try the multi-dating thing? That way I could fast-forward all romance scenarios and not watch them on Youtube later like a loser, duh. If this game was intentionally giving me the opportunity to be Tokyo’s biggest Don Juan, then by Mona, I’d do it!

Little did I know, though, that as I embarked on a quest to bag all the single ladies* the whole atmosphere of the game changed. What had been a more or less generic adventure about truth and justice took on some… rather disturbing undertones, ones that went beyond the actual dating scenarios. In fact, the game turned out to be such an interesting social experiment that I wanted to write about it, so here I am. So, this is a recap of how dating multiple people in Persona 5 turned my Joker into a sociopath.

* except for Makoto, because a) I already romanced her before and b)…. it didn’t feel right, her being my first and all. SO SUE ME I’M A LOSER AFTER ALL

So. Here we are again, moving to Tokyo, whoop de doo. NewGame+ means not having to waste days on working out the ropes, so you can focus on the stuff that matters: getting as overpowered as you can in the least amount of time possible. For me, this meant maxing out Kawakami’s social link as fast as I could, because her bonuses are pretty swank – I really could have used the post-Mementos or post-palace massages during my first playthrough too, but kinda forgot about her right after Operation Maidwatch. Well, no more! I was bringing that teacher home left and right at every possible instance, so obviously I ended up maxing her link first. Ergo, we entered a relationship.

I’m not gonna lie: the Kawakami romance is some weird (and arguably illegal) shit. Maybe that kinda set the tone of this adventure from the start, giving me an mc who was 100% ok with romancing his homeroom teacher slash part time maid. Uh… huh. Given that my suspension of disbelief went out of the window right about there, it was easy to pick the “omg i totally like, care about you and stuff” dialogue options that went with it; I mean, I was doing this for science and stuff, no big deal.

That’s why it surprised me that when it was time to romance the next (un)lucky girl, I felt like shit about it. Not because of Kawakami, but because Ann wasn’t some ludicrous dating option pulled out of the “lol what if we let the players date everyone!!” shitpost book. Instead, Ann and the mc had already been through Some Shit together, best friend suicide attempts and sexually abusive PE teachers included, and she was a teenage girl looking for her place in the world. So when Ann confided in me about her feelings and told the mc she loved him, “returning” her feelings –while knowing I was already dating my…. uhh, homeroom teacher slash part time maid– genuinely made me feel like the absolute scum of the earth.

“I can’t do this,” I thought at this point, “Even if these are fictional characters in a fictional game, I feel like shit lying to these girls that I care about them, because obviously that’s not true if I’m so callously dating someone else behind their back. How can people do that in real life if I can’t even do it in a video game? Oh, naïve me! Because my lesson in the callousness of man had only just begun.

Anyway, so. Here I am, dating Kawakami and Ann. I think I figured that lying to my teammates didn’t Feel Very Good so headlining for randos seemed like the better choice to make next: Ohya the reporter ended up being the third girl I romanced, and it was relieving she seemed to understand the unlikely nature of our relationship. “I get that we probably won’t stay together forever,” she was telling me, almost like she knew she was only the third wheel in my extended trailer truck, headed to nowhere fast; the same kinda goes for Tae, the punk rock doctor, whose reservedness somehow made it easier to ignore the serial cheater vibes in the dynamic.

Chihaya, on the other hand, was different. Seemingly a little younger than the other grown-ups, she was already a lot more straightforward about her interest in the mc, and harbored all sorts of weird fantasies about them staying together forever. Which is exactly what I told her would happen. Not! Funny that for a fortune teller she couldn’t see I was also spouting this same shit to four other girls, huh? Chihaya reminded me of Ann, in a way, which is why the Bad Feels actually started to resurface here – it’s one thing to lie boldly in the face of girls (women) who aren’t really that invested in you to begin with, but when it’s people who actually believe said lies… well.

Now, I know, I know. There’s no actual reason to feel guilty, because these choices don’t affect the gameplay in any way. Whether or not the mc is an asshole in some ways will still result in everyone loving the shit out of him, and being sad when he leaves. Sure, there’s the scene after Valentine’s Day where you get beat up for being a cheater and the girls kind of call him out on it, but that’s about it; this isn’t Mass Effect, you can’t go full renegade, etc. etc. But even if the game barely acknowledges the clear disparity in the mc’s words and actions, it’s really hard to overlook as the player, and as I said, it kinda changes the tone of the whole game.

You see, during the course of the story the mc ends up establishing a whole bunch of social links: Ryuji, Yusuke, Mishima and even Sojiro are but few of the guys you end up making heartfelt bonds with too. Only problem is, once you go the Lie Route with the girls, the mc hardly comes across as any more honest with the guys – and this is what really puts a spin on his reliability. Everyone’s always going on about what a great guy he is, but none of them know what a quadruple-timing, lying asshole he is at the same time. And why would they? All he does is tell people what they want to hear!

Apparently the devs of Dream Daddy wanted to challenge the notion that this kind of behaviour automatically leads to “good endings” in visual novels, because it only makes the mc seem a little sociopathic. Sure enough, that’s exactly the word I would use to describe how my mc started to come across in all his social interactions in P5. Well, not all, actually; there was one character whose exchanges with the mc came across as genuine even when virtually nothing else did. Yeah, you guessed it: Akechi.

I’m taking a brief interlude here to talk about Akechi, because my social experiment with the mc’s romances actually ended up underlining how similar he and Akechi are as people. It’s what the game hints at continuously with the whole ~two sides of the same coin stuff anyway, but the point really gets hammered home when you repeatedly watch the mc fake his way through life just like Akechi puts on his own double persona (pun not intended). In that sense, it’s only natural that the two would recognize each other as equals, and that their interactions ring more sincere than any other discussion they have in the game.

But back to serial dating, if you will. After Chihaya, I started dating Hifumi the shogi girl, but to be completely honest I sort of mentally fazed her out; with every new girl I tricked into dating me, the initial unease seemed to diminish until I couldn’t remember what had made me feel so disgusted in the first place. I mean, I was already lying to so many people, what did it matter if I lied to one more, right? It’s not like I actually hung out with anyone ever again after I “entered a relationship” with them, and it’s not like my actions carried over to pre-scripted cutscenes, so who cares, right? Nobody (well, apart from a physical game engine) was forcing these girls to believe my bullshit, so really, the fault was theirs for being so gullible, right!!11

…Well, I might have been able to go along with that type of douchebag logic if I’d only kept dating randos. Since I skipped Makoto, the next girl I got cozy with was Futaba… and this is where the skeezy-ville started to nag on my consciousness again, because like with Ann, you know that Futaba’s been through A Lot: she basically spent the past couple of years as a hikikomori, convinced that her mother committed suicide because of her. Trust is a really big thing for her, so throwing a cheating mc into that equation gets really ugly when you think about how he gains that trust just to betray it. When you add in Sojiro, you’re essentially screwing both of them over while pretending to be a happy little family. If you take these events at face value, it kinda makes you wonder: seriously dude, what on earth is your damage?!

If that wasn’t disturbing enough, we finish with Haru. She is also running from one abuser but, if dating a cheating mc, kind of ends up in the arms of another. Although she enters the story fairly late in the game, it’s no less shitty to listen to her be so grateful for your “support”, knowing you’ve sat through variations of this scene with half a dozen other girls already. I just kind of kept staring at the mc’s poker face (pun not intended, again) while wondering how much worse it seems that none of these choices affect anything tangible in the game, even when the whole theme is helping other people (and shitty authority figures, sure, but mainly helping people).

And you know, it’s really that endless poker face that gives the whole thing such a weird ass vibe: this is a 17-year-old kid who’s moved to Tokyo for a year, and ends up constructing a meticulously crafted fake personality that has everyone treating him like the greatest guy on earth. If you perceive this as the intended story (as opposed to the mismatch of a fixed script and optional gameplay choices that it actually is), Persona 5 suddenly becomes a story much darker than its original premise. Who is the real mc, and why is he doing any of this? What is his actual sense of truth and justice, if he spins it so grotesquely to suit his given situation? How troubled does he have to be for this kind of behaviour to emerge, and what caused it?

I know getting busted on Valentine’s Day is played mainly for laughs, but when you put all this together it’s obvious just getting dumped doesn’t even begin to cover the actual consequences of the mc’s actions should have. For the 100% fake personality he’s clearly constructed up until this point, how anyone can still follow him into the depths of Mementos is beyond me. But hey, I know we’re not operating on earth logic here.

Still, as I mentioned, this levels the mc with Akechi a lot – suddenly it’s very hard to condemn Akechi, even in theory, for the route he ended up taking in life, because isn’t the mc basically doing the same thing? Taking advantage of as many people he can to advance his own ends, with the only difference that he ended up on the winning side? Not only that, but it makes it harder to root for the “good guys”, knowing that you’re not a good guy – you’re just some guy with a big enough charm stat to make people follow your fake ideals, whatever those might in reality be.

Personally, I was also surprised at how easy it was to go from “this is horrible I hate this I can’t lie to these girls” to the “eh whatever, I’ve done this long enough that I’ve distanced myself from giving a shit”, then back to “oh shit oh shit this is so wrong” over the course of a single game. I know this sounds like a hyperbole, but in that sense I’m… actually not that surprised at how people find themselves ignoring those same patterns in real life. Which is why it’s so disheartening there’s only one scene dedicated to the consequences; it would be so interesting if there was something more tangible to remind the player that yeah, you’re entitled to picking these options, but it does turn the mc into someone pretty damn messed up.

I mean, damn – by December I’d maxed out all my social links, and suddenly had shit all to do, and because I couldn’t sit through a single fake date with one of my fake ass girlfriends again, I ended up making my mc train every day and night just so I had something to occupy my time between going out and murdering things in Mementos and/or a palace. Watching him do shirtless pull-ups in his room I sorta realized: Oh my god, I turned my mc into a high school version of Patrick Bateman. This game sure took a turn.

So I suppose the point of this story time is that while dating anyone in P5 (and most Persona games, I’d assume) is ultimately only a gameplay element meant for the player’s extra entertainment, sometimes those seemingly superfluous gameplay elements can turn into unintentional story elements – in this case, an experiment of how easily lying to one person turns into lying to everyone, and how sometimes it’s not that easy to tell at what point you stop being genuine at all. Wow, them video games, huh? Always a source of profound inspiration.... or something.

#persona 5 #idk what to tag this #maybe i'll add a new category for my rantings #and call it #story time #ok for the sake of archiving i'll also add #meta

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chris--daae · 7 years

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Relationship Challenge - E/C

From what canon? Eh, most of them in one way or another. A special love for the ones in which Erik is not a psycho.

What kind of relationship? (otp, brotp, family bond, rivalry/enemies, etc) Otp and brotp, "linked souls".

What I like in it: So. Soooo. Like many people here, I shipped them a lot when watching the 2004 movie for the first time as a kid, then revisited the story as an adult and realized they are not really a fairytale cute couple. Well, when it comes to the original story and most adaptations, shipping them as a romantic couple feels just very wrong to me, if we are following the canon. It's still a very fascinating relationship. Christine fears Erik but does not hate him, she wants to escape from him but at the same time she does not want to leave him to suffer alone. Erik seems to project all his ideals of love, that are not much based on reality as he never experienced it himself, on her and makes all these plans, all these fantasies, but at first he is also content in only spending some time with her once in a while, certainly not considering himself deserving of her. Their relationship brought something good for both for a while, but it was based on lies and deceit from the start. Then come the threats, the kidnapping, the emotional blackmail, the actual blackmail, and all the stuff. But Christine does forgive Erik in the end, and well I don't really need to say how beautiful and meaningful the ending is as we all know it very well. ALW shows this relationship in a much less creepy way, which makes it much more attractive for me, while still keeping the core of it. It still includes threats and blackmail, it is still based on lies, but Christine is more torn between her choices. And the power Erik has over Christine seems to be much less based on pity too. It is still not healthy in any way but it's fascinating anyway. Then there's Y/K, in which this is my actual otp and I don't even care. Their relationship is much more healthy, and not based on lies (only a few secrets) and Christine actually sings a whole song about loving Erik and. I am still mad about the ending, okay. The same applies to 1990, but in there Christine's feelings for Erik are purely platonic, and the kind of love he was looking for could also not necessarily be romantic, and once again, I am mad. On the opposite end, we have 1989 and Erik's unhealthy obsession with Christine. While it's much simpler than the original, I also find this interesting in its own way. The whole "linked souls" things is special is one of my favorite concepts. 1943 is also fascinating, starting as a harmless crush of an older man for a younger woman, escalating to an obsession as he loses everything and goes to insanity. Not something I would ever ship in a romantic way, but interesting. Nothing in 1962 and 1983 caught much my attention, and LND and Kay also don't add anything interesting to this. Then we had the what-ifs. What if Erik was a better person, what if Christine loved him back, what if they met in a different way. A lot of fanfiction explores these in a lot of interesting ways. I must admit that I like this pairing more in fanworks than in canon. And in AU territory, I really like imagining many different possibilities of relationships for these two. I would like to read more about them as friends, in special. In general, I think they have the potential to bring out the best in each other, and though this happens very rarely in canon, I still enjoy imagining it.

Headcanons:

- Canon compliant

(ALW) Christine always wonders what would have happen if she had stayed. She never finds out what happened to Erik, but she knows he wasn't captured what gives her the biggest relief.

(Y/K) If there's one regret Christine has in life, it's her reaction to seeing Erik's face. She never forgives herself for it.

(2004) Erik kept watching over Christine from afar, never daring to approach her or her family again. Well, he may have interfered one or twice for her children, but never revealing himself.

(1943) Whenever she hears someone refering to Erique as a killer or a madman, Christine interferes and tell them they should remember him as the kind man and talented violinist he once was.

- Domestic

Christine is very messy and disorganized with her things, which makes Erik very annoyed.

They adopt cats. A lot of them.

Erik has never been one to remember dates well, but he always remember every single one that has to do with Christine and gives her the biggest surprises every year.

- AU(s)

Platonic soulmates. They are platonic soulmates.

assorted headcanons x x x x x

a tag for them

Fics I wrote about it:

For Now - E/C ending AU

Por Enquanto - For Now in Portuguese

I’ll give you a massage - fluff

Forever - 1989 post ending (not romantic)

Gymnophoria - Pre unmasking

In sleep he sang to me... - April Fools’ spin off to New Life

Deepest Urges - Seduction scene of Don Juan Triumphant

Would you like some tea? - Platonic

tag Prologue Chapter One

Fics I recommend about it:

Long:

Devil’s Little Face - Family fic. Ongoing.

The Angel of Persia - A what-if type. Completed.

Seeing is Believing - A what-if type. Completed.

A Gypsy Caravan - A what-if type. Completed.

One-shots:

Creatures of Quirks - Married fic.

Twice Blessed, Pearl Anniversary, Peace in the Night - Family fic

An Icy Grip - Hurt/comfort

A Touch of Comfort - Hurt/comfort

A Strange Bliss - Hurt/comfort

The Branded Heart - Modern AU hurt/comfort

Backstage - High school AU

His Other Half - Hurt/comfort

Vanity - Humourous fluff

Safeguard to Paradise - Hurt/comfort

Burn - Alternate ending type AU

The Talking Teacup - Fluff

among the stones - Post canon

Of Angels and Of Love - Fluff

A Walk in the Bois - Fluff

The Paint on his Skin - Fluff

Gifts and Wrappings - Actually a 4-shot. Fluff.

1990:

The Hidden Man

Denouement

There are many other good ones but I am sleepy and too lazy to search for all

#shipchal #I think you can see I have a type

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sex-chat-pics · 7 years

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Sex

THOSE WHO SET OFF down the path of exploring new kinds of relationships and new lifestyles often find themselves blocked by beliefs–about the way society should be, the way relationships should be, the way people should be–that are both deeply rooted and unexamined.

We have all been taught that one way of relating–lifelong monogamous heterosexual marriage–is the only right way. We are told that monogamy is "normal" and "natural"; if our desires do not fit into that constraint, we are morally deficient, psychologically disturbed, and going against nature.

Many of us feel instinctively that something is wrong with this picture. But how can you dig up and examine a belief that you don't even know you hold? The ideal of lifelong monogamy as the only proper goal for relationships is so deeply buried in our culture that it's almost invisible: we operate on these beliefs without even knowing we believe them. They're under our feet all the time, the foundation for our assumptions, our values, our desires, our myths, our expectations. We don't notice them until we trip over them.

Where did these beliefs get started? Often, they evolved to meet conditions that no longer exist. Our beliefs about traditional marriage date from agrarian cultures, where you made everything you ate or wore or used, where large extended families helped get this huge amount of work done so nobody starved, and where marriage was a working proposition. When we talk about "traditional family values," this is the family we are talking about: an extended family of grandparents and aunts and cousins, an organization to accomplish the work of staying alive. We see large families functioning in traditional ways in America today, often in cultures recently transplanted from other countries, or as a basic support system among economically vulnerable urban or rural populations.

Curiously, controlling sexual behavior didn't seem to be that important outside the propertied classes until the Industrial Revolution, which launched a whole new era of sex-negativity, perhaps because of the rising middle class and the limited space for children in urban cultures. Doctors and ministers in the late eighteenth century began to claim that masturbation was unhealthy and sinful, that this most innocent of sexual outlets was dangerous to society–nineteenth-century childrearing manuals show devices to prevent babies from touching their genitals in their sleep. So any desire for sex, even with yourself, became a shameful secret.

But human nature will win out. We are horny creatures, and the more sexually repressive a culture becomes, the more outrageous its covert sexual thoughts and behaviors will become, as any fan of Victorian porn can attest.

In his lectures to young communists in Germany during the rise of Hitler and the Nazis, psychologist Wilhelm Reich theorized that the suppression of sexuality was essential to an authoritarian government. Without the imposition of antisexual morality, he believed, people would be free from shame and would trust their own sense of right and wrong. They would be unlikely to march to war against their wishes, or to operate death camps. Perhaps if we were raised without shame and guilt about our desires, we might be freer people in more ways than simply the sexual.

The nuclear family, which consists of parents and children relatively isolated from the extended family, is a relic of the twentieth-century middle class. Children no longer work on the farm or in the family business; they are raised almost like pets. Modern marriage is no longer essential for survival. Now we marry in pursuit of comfort, security, sex, intimacy, and emotional connection. The increase in divorce, so deplored by today's religious right, may simply reflect the economic reality that today most of us can afford to leave relationships in which we are not happy; nobody will starve.

And still modern puritans, perhaps not yet ready to deal with the frightening prospect of truly free sexual and romantic choice, attempt to enforce the nuclear family and monogamous marriage by teaching sexual shame.

We believe that the current set of "oughta-be's" and any other set, are cultural artifacts. We believe that Nature is wondrously diverse, offering us infinite possibilities. We would like to live in a culture that respects the choices made by sluts as highly as we respect the couple celebrating their fiftieth anniversary. (And, come to think of it, what makes us assume that such a couple is monogamous anyway?)

We are paving new roads across new territory. We have no culturally approved scripts for open sexual lifestyles; we need to write our own. To write your own script requires a lot of effort, and a lot of honesty, and is the kind of hard work that brings many rewards. You may find the right way for you, and three years from now decide you want to live a different way-and that's fine. You write the script, you get to make the choices, and you get to change your mind, too.

EXERCISE

Sluts We Know and Love - Make a list of all the people you can think of who are not monogamous, including characters from TV, movies, books, and so on. How do you feel a bout each of them? What can you learn (positive or negative) from him or her?

Judgements about Sluts

As you try to figure out your own path, you may encounter a lot of harsh judgments about the ways different people live. We're sure you don't need us to tell you that the world does not, for the most part, honor sluthood, or think well of those of us who are sexually explorative.

You will probably find some of these judgments in your own brain, burrowed in deeper than you ever realized. We believe that they say a lot more about the culture that promotes them than they do about any actual person, including you.

"PROMISCUOUS"

This means we enjoy too many sexual partners. We've also been called "indiscriminate" in our sexuality, which we resent: we can always tell our lovers apart.

We do not believe that there is such a thing as too much sex, except perhaps on certain happy occasions when our options exceed our abilities. Nor do we believe that the ethics we are talking about here have anything to do with moderation or abstinence. Kinsey once defined a "nymphomaniac" as "someone who has more sex than you" and, scientist that he was, demonstrated his point with statistics.

Is having less sex somehow more virtuous than having more? We think not. We measure the ethics of good sluts not by the number of their partners, but by the respect and care with which they treat them.

"AMORAL"

Our culture also tells us that sluts are evil, uncaring, amoral, and destructive: Jezebel, Casanova, Don Juan. The mythological evil slut is grasping and manipulative, seeking to steal something-virtue, money, self-esteem-from his partners. In some ways, this archetype is based on the idea that sex is a commodity, a coin you trade for something else-stability, children, a wedding ring-and that any other transaction constitutes being cheated and betrayed.

We have rarely observed any Jezebels or Casanovas in our community, but perhaps it is not very satisfying for a thief to steal what is freely given. We do not worry about being robbed of our sexual value by the people we share pleasure with.

"SINFUL"

Some people base their sense of ethics on what they've been told that God, or their church, or their parents, or their culture, believes to be okay or not okay. They believe that being good consists of obedience to laws set down by a power greater than themselves.

Religion, we think, has a great deal to offer to many people the comfort of faith and the security of community among them. But believing that God doesn't like sex, as many religions seem to, is like believing that God doesn't like you. Because of this belief, a tremendous number of people carry great shame for their own perfectly natural sexual desires and activities.

We prefer the beliefs of a woman we met, a devoted churchgoer in a fundamentalist faith. She told us that when she was about five years old, she discovered the joys of masturbation in the back seat of the family car, tucked under a warm blanket on a long trip. It felt so wonderful that she concluded that the existence of her clitoris was proof positive that God loved her.

"PATHOLOGICAL"

When psychological studies of human behavior came into vogue in the late nineteenth century, Krafft-Ebing and Freud attempted to create more tolerance by theorizing that sluts are not bad but sick, suffering from psychopathology that is not their fault, since their neurosis derives from having their sexuality warped by their parents during their toilet training. So, they said, we should no longer burn sluts at the stake but instead send them to mental hospitals to be cured, in an environment that permits no sexual expression at all, healthy or otherwise.

During your authors' childhood and adolescence in the early 1 960s, it was common practice to certify and incarcerate adolescents for "treatment" of the "illness" of being sexual, especially if they were gay or lesbian, or female and in danger of damaging their market value as virgins. This sort of thing still takes place more often than you might think. More recently we hear about sex addicts, avoidance of intimacy, commitment-phobia, and attachment disorders. These terms were created to describe genuine problems, but they are far too often used as weapons in a moral war against all sexual freedom.

The whole idea of sex addiction is a controversial one: many people feel that the word "addiction" is not well suited to discussing behavioral issues like sex. However, everybody seems to agree that substituting sex for fulfillment of other needs-to allay anxiety, for instance, or bolster sagging self-esteem-represents a problem.

Only you can decide whether your sexual behaviors have become compulsive and whether you wish to change them. Some people try to validate their sexual attractiveness over and over, using sex as constant reassurance because they do not see themselves as inherently attractive or lovable. Sex can be used as a substitute for connection. Sex can be the only coin valuable enough to attract attention and approval.

Some twelve-step groups and therapists who subscribe to the addiction model may try to tell you that anything but the most conservative of sexual behaviors is wrong, or unhealthy, or "into your addiction"; we encourage you to trust your own beliefs and find yourself a supportive environment. Sexual Compulsives Anonymous and Sex Addicts Anonymous encourage you to define the healthy sex life you want for yourself. If your goal is monogamy, that's fine, and if your goal is to stop seeking sex in the place of friendship, or any other behavior pattern that you wish to resculpt, that's fine too. We do not believe that successfully recovering sex addicts have to be monogamous unless they want to be.

"EASY"

Is there, we wonder, some virtue in being difficult?

Myths about Sluts

One of the challenges facing the ethical slut is our culture's insistence that, simply because "everybody knows" something, it must obviously be true. We urge you to regard with great skepticism any sentence that begins "Everybody knows that ... " or "Common sense tells us that ... " or "It's common knowledge that ... " Often, these phrases are signposts for cultural belief systems that may be antisexual, monogamy centrist, and/or codependent. Questioning "what everybody does" can be difficult and disorienting, but we have found it to be rewarding: questioning is the first step toward generating a new paradigm, your own paradigm of how you ought to be.

Cultural belief systems can be very deeply rooted in literature, law, and archetypes, which means that shaking them from your own personal ethos can be difficult. But the first step in exploring them is, of course, recognizing them. Here, then, are some of the pervasive myths that we have heard all our lives and have come to understand are most often untrue and destructive to our relationships and our lives.

MYTH #1: LONG-TERM MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE ONLY REAL RELATIONSHIPS

Lifetime monogamy as an ideal is a relatively new concept in human history and makes us unique among primates. There is nothing that can be achieved within a long-term monogamous relationship that can not be achieved without one. Business partnership, deep attachment, stable parenting, personal growth, care and companionship in old age are all well within the abilities of the slut.

People who believe this myth may feel that something is wrong with them if they aren't in a committed twosome-if they prefer to remain free agents, if they discover themselves loving more than one person at a time, if they have tried one or more traditional relationships that didn't work out. Instead of questioning the myth, they question themselves: Am I incomplete? Where is my other half? The myth teaches them that they are not good enough in and of themselves. Often people develop a very unrealistic view of couplehood–Mr. or Ms. Right will automatically solve all their problems, fill all the gaps, make their lives complete.

A subset of this myth is the belief that if you're really in love, you will automatically lose all interest in others; thus, if you're having sexual or romantic feelings toward anyone but your partner, you're not really in love. This belief has cost many people a great deal of happiness through the centuries yet is untrue to the point of absurdity: a ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals.

And, we must ask, if monogamy is the only acceptable option, the only true form of love, than are these agreements genuinely consensual? We have many friends who have chosen to be monogamous, and we applaud them. But how many people in our society consciously make that choice?

MYTH #2: ROMANTIC LOVE IS THE ONLY REAL LOVE

Look at the lyrics of popular songs, or read some classical poetry: the phrases we choose to describe romantic love don't really sound all that pleasant. Crazy in love, love hurts, obsession, heartbreak ... these are all descriptions of mental or physical illness.The thing that gets called romantic love in this culture seems to be a heady cocktail of lust and adrenaline, sparked by uncertainty, insecurity, perhaps even anger or danger. The chills up the spine that we recognize as passion are, in fact, the same physical phenomenon as hair rising up on a cat's back and are caused by the fight-or-flight response.This kind of love can be thrilling and overwhelming and sometimes a hell of a lot of fun, but it is not the only "real" kind of love, nor is it always a good basis for an ongoing relationship. Yet as George Bernard Shaw famously remarked, "When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part."

MYTH #3: SEXUAL DESIRE IS A DESTRUCTIVE FORCE

This one goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden and leads to a lot of crazy-making double standards. Some religions appear to believe that women's sexuality is evil and dangerous, and exists only to lure men to their doom. From the Victorian era, we get the idea that men are hopelessly voracious and predatory when it comes to sex, and women are supposed to control and civilize them by being pure, asexual, and withholding-men are the gas pedal and women the brakes, which is, we think, pretty hard on the engine. Neither of these works for us. Many people also believe that unashamed sexual desire, particularly desire for more than one person, inevitably destroys the family–yet we suspect that far more families have been destroyed by bitter divorces over adultery than have ever been disturbed by ethical consensual non monogamy.

MYTH #4: LOVING SOMEONE MAKES IT OKAY TO CONTROL HIS OR HER BEHAVIOR

This kind of territorial reasoning is designed, we guess, to make people feel secure, but we don't believe that anybody has the right, much less the obligation. to control the behavior of another functioning adult.

Being treated according to this myth doesn't make us feel secure, it makes us feel furious. The old "awww, she's jealous-she must really care about me" reasoning, or the scene in which the girl falls in love with the boy when he punches out a rival suitor, are symptomatic of a very disturbed set of personal boundaries that can lead to a great deal of unhappiness.

This myth also leads to the belief, so often promulgated in Hollywood films and popular literature, that sleeping with someone else is something you do to your partner, not for yourself, and is, moreover, the very worst thing you can do to someone. For many years, in New York State, adultery was the only legally acceptable grounds for divorce, leaving those who had unfortunately married batterers or drunks in a very difficult position. And the legal punishment for "cheating" could be to lose one's job, home, money, and kids, because of the wounding to the "betrayed" partner-that is, if you got caught. So one was supposed to cheat in secrecy to protect one's partner's dignity and keep the family together.

MYTH #5: JEALOUSY IS INEVITABLE AND IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERCOME

Jealousy is, without a doubt, a very common experience, so much so that a person who doesn't experience jealousy is looked at as a bit odd, or in denial. But often a situation that would cause intense jealousy for one person can be no big deal for another. Some people get jealous when their honey takes a sip out of someone else's Coke, others happily watch their beloved wave bye-bye for a month of amorous sporting with a friend at the far end of the country.

Some people also believe that jealousy is such a shattering emotion that they have no choice but to succumb to it. People who believe this often believe that any form of non monogamy should be nonconsensual and completely secret, in order to protect the "betrayed" partner from having to feel such an impossibly difficult emotion.

On the contrary, we have found that jealousy is an emotion like any other: it feels bad (sometimes very bad), but it is not intolerable. We have also found that many of the "oughta-be's" that lead to jealousy can be unlearned and that unlearning them is often a useful process. Later in this book, we will spend a lot more time talking about jealousy and the strategies many people have successfully employed to cope with it.

MYTH #6: OUTSIDE INVOLVEMENTS REDUCE INTIMACY IN THE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP

Most marriage counselors, and certain popular TV psychologists, believe when a member of an otherwise happy couple has an "affair," this must be a symptom of unresolved conflict or unfulfilled needs that should be dealt with in the primary relationship. Of course, this is occasionally true, but not nearly as often as many "relationship gurus" would like us to believe. Moreover, this myth leaves no room for the possibility of growthful and constructive open sexual lifestyles.

It is cruel and insensitive to interpret an affair as a symptom of sickness in the relationship, as it leaves "cheated-on" partners-who may already be feeling insecure-to wonder what is wrong with them. Meanwhile, "cheating" partners get told that they are only trying to get back at their primary partners and don't really want, need, or even like their lovers.

Many people have sex outside their primary relationships for reasons that have nothing to do with any inadequacy in their partner or in the relationship. The new relationship may simply be a natural extension of an emotional and/or physical attraction to someone besides the primary partner. Or perhaps this outside relationship allows a particular kind of intimacy that the primary partner doesn't even want (such as kinky sex or going to football games) and thus constitutes a solution for an otherwise insoluble conflict. Or perhaps it meets other needs-like a need for uncomplicated physical sex without the trappings of relationship, or for sex with someone of a gender other than one's partner's, or for sex at a time when it is otherwise not available (during travel or a partner's illness, for example).

An outside involvement does not have to subtract in any way from the intimacy you share with your partner unless you let it. And we sincerely hope you won't.

MYTH #7: LOVE CONQUERS ALL

Hollywood tells us that "love means never having to say you're sorry," and we, fools that we are, believe it. This myth has it that if you're really in love with someone, you never have to argue, disagree, communicate, negotiate, or do any other kind of work. It also tells us that love means we automatically get turned on by our beloved and that we never have to lift a finger or make any effort to deliberately kindle passion. Those who believe this myth may find themselves feeling that their love has failed every time they need to schedule a discussion or to have a courteous (or not-so-courteous) disagreement. They may also believe that any sexual behavior that doesn't fit their criteria for "normal" sex–from fantasies to vibrators–is "artificial" and indicates that something is lacking in the quality of love.

EXERCISE

Why Sluthood? Why Not? - Write a list of every reason you can think of that any person anywhere might want to be a slut. You can do this on your own, or with a friend or a lover. Which of these tell you what kind of slut you don't want to be? Which of these are your very good and valid reasons?

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