#anyway if you want emotional compensation

[aceghosts]

I Know You Feel Lost, But I'm Here To Wander With You

Summary: The week that Rooney’s family died is always the worst week of the year.

Rooney is having a bad week, the anniversary of their family death's looming over them. Luckily, they've got Yorinobu in their corner.

Title comes from Being As An Oceans' Find Our Way.

Rating: M

Warnings: PLEASE MIND THE WARNINGS FOR THIS ONE! This deals very explicitly with Rooney's grief and violent loss of their family. (Rooney is originally from Mass Effect with a Colonist background. This fic is adapting that background.) They are in a dark place, and thus, some of Rooney's thoughts, such as not wanting to exist, may be triggering. It also relieves Rooney's memories of that day and the traumatic things they saw, including watching someone die in their arms. Other warnings are depiction of violence, survivor's guilt, childhood trauma, discussions of dysfunctional childhoods (kind of), and drinking to cope. I think that covers everything, but if I need to tag for anything else, let me know.

Words: 5,188 words

Author's Note: Takes place before the events of CP2077, roughly six years before. I strongly encourage you to read Is This the End Or Is This the Beginning if you have not, as this fic directly references events in that fic.

Tagging (Opt In/Out): @bbrocklesnar, @marivenah, @alexxmason, @sergeiravenov, @voidika,

@carlosoliveiraa, @socially-awkward-skeleton, @derelictheretic, @imogenkol, @theelderhazelnut,

@strangefable, @cassietrn, @direwombat, @cloudofbutterflies92

AO3

The week that Rooney’s family died is always the worst week of the year.

Rooney’s normally unflinching, steady demeanor turns brittle. Their mood is an ever-vicious cycle of grief looping into numbness with static in their brain, which eventually loops back into a grief that threatens to swallow them whole, pulling Rooney beneath its dark depths. Their sleep schedule goes to hell, ghosts haunting their dreams. Even in their waking hours, the ghosts haunt them, always in the corner of their mind. Nothing holds any interest for them, and they’re nauseous all the time, only able to pick at their food. The weight of a broken promise weighs heavily on their shoulders, and Rooney feels like they’re drowning underneath it all, exhausted from fighting the tide. All they want to do is hide in their room underneath blankets until the storm passes, when they finally grasp onto some sense of normality. Most years, Rooney powers through, only taking the day of their family’s death off. Their usual ritual is to spend the day alone, writing unsent letters to the ghosts they carry with them. 

Their grief takes on a different form this year, a more malevolent form. It hits harder, a dark, black cloud hanging over them. It’s so hard to breathe, to simply exist. Their limbs are tied down, each movement more difficult than the last. They feel so numb to it all, to the whole point of their existence. All Rooney wants to do is to stop existing, simply dissipate into nothing. They want to let the waves pull them under, to simply stop fighting and give in for once. Rooney wonders if this year is harder because they died and now know death intimately. Maybe, it’s the fact they’re stuck in this Arasaka facility, amongst enemies and isolated from their comrades. Maybe, it’s that small glimpse of what they saw between life and death. Maybe, it’s the fact that they know they will be denied death, doomed to walk this earth as long as someone else demands it. If they died now, Rooney knows Arasaka would pull them back, deny them the dignity of simply being able to die.

And then, there is Yorinobu, Rooney’s only friend in this lonely place. They avoid him, leaving sessions early and ducking into hiding places when he searches for them. He doesn’t need to see Rooney like this, doesn’t have to know about any of this. Rooney doesn’t want him to think less of them, if he doesn’t already know. They need to focus on getting information for him. They need to focus on their mission. And, perhaps selfishly, Rooney does not want Yorinobu to worry about them. No one should have to worry about them. The grief will pass like it always does, and Rooney will be fine...right?

“We’re done, Shepard,” Leah, one of the scientists, says, openly disappointed with their poor performance, a common theme this week, “Go to your next session.” Right, another combat test. Leah had just run through a short test of their quickhacking capabilities. Miles, another scientist, wanted to put Rooney through a combat test with their optical camouflage.

“I will escort them to their next session.” They slowly look over in Yorinobu’s direction, unaware he was there. Arms crossed over his chest, he smiles at them warmly, eyes only on Rooney.

Rooney stares at him blankly, unable to muster even the smallest smile. They should be excited to see Yorinobu, ready to dish out what they know to him. Instead, Rooney feels nothing, hollow, like every other day of this forsaken week. Leah, who must have only realized he was here as well, bows. Shooting a glare at Rooney for their perceived rudeness, she replies, “Yes, Yorinobu-Sama. Shepard would be honored to accompany you.”

Yorinobu’s smile drops, brow furrows in concern as Rooney lethargically walks toward him. Shit, they need to act normally. They fall into step with him as they leave the room, still mute. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

Not nearly a convincing enough answer. “Shepard,” He starts, voice soft, “I know you would prefer to talk with one of your fellow soldiers, but I would like to listen if you need someone.”

Rooney feels a lump in their throat, swallowing it down. “I’m okay,” They assure him, gently brushing their hand against his, “I’m just tired.”

He eyes them suspiciously, eventually relenting. “I have some news that you may be interested in. Some of it I can tell you now, the rest later.” As he talks, Rooney tunes him out, his voice becoming background noise like everything else. Their brain is unable to concentrate, thinking sluggishly. Every once in a while, Rooney offers a nod or a small noise of acknowledgment to keep up the appearance they are listening. “Now, I know you must not be listening.”

Shaking their head as they stop in their tracks, Rooney apologizes, “I’m sorry. Can you repeat that?” Yorinobu stops beside them, placing his hand on their shoulder in concern. Guilt burns within Rooney. He shouldn’t worry about them; no one should. They’ll power through this, just like everyone expects them to.

“I-.”

“Shepard!” Fucking hell, all of the goddamn people it had to be her, Rooney’s least favorite person in the facility. Dr. Naomi Kimura, their psychologist, dredged up every single awful thing mentioned in their psych profile as if it would magically convince Rooney to talk. Instead, Rooney shut down, staring at their hands quietly until their time was up. And this week, she was at her worst, mentioning their family constantly, how hard it must have been, and how Rooney could talk to her. It took every inch of their being to resist punching her, especially when she mentioned Jack. How dare she even mention his name. Rooney prefers dying again to having to talk to Dr. Kimura about one of the worst days of their life. “How are you feeling today, Shepard?” she asks, catching up to the pair.

They look down, staring at their shoes, fists clenched tightly. “I think Shepard is tired,” Yorinobu intervenes, “You should give them space.”

Dr. Kimura sighs. “Yes. Of course, they would be tired,” her pitying voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard, and Rooney bites the inside of their cheek, fighting the urge to scream. “I wanted to make sure that my patient was feeling well, especially on the anniversary of something so tragic.”

“Something tragic?” Yorinobu echoes.

“Their family,” They start walking, unable to listen. Rooney won’t give her the satisfaction of them telling her to shove it. And they don’t know if they can stomach Yorinobu looking at them like…like…

“Excuse us, Dr. Kimura.” Yorinobu excuses himself, catching up to Rooney. “Where are you going? What is goi-?”

“I should go,” Rooney cuts him off, their voice robotic and detached, leaving a confused Yorinobu behind.

—

Later that evening, when Rooney reaches their room after an afternoon of tests, Yorinobu stands outside their room. In his hands, he has a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. “Would you like to talk? Or drink?” Yorinobu holds the bottle of whiskey up for Rooney. They soften, recognizing the name on the bottle. It’s the same brand, the one that led to their first real conversation. To Rooney becoming an informant, and eventually, they suppose, a friend. Their eyes water, a sob stuck in their throat. “Did-Did I do something wrong?”

“It’s complicated,” Rooney wipes at their eyes, clearing their throat, “You didn’t do anything wrong.” He relaxes, his shoulders dropping. Yet, Yorinobu’s brow is furrowed, watching them carefully. “We should talk,” Rooney says, knowing that they owe Yorinobu the truth, “Can we go to your office?”

He nods, wrapping an arm around their shoulder. Rooney leans into him, resting their head on his shoulder. He feels so sturdy when they are so weak, like a small boat being tossed upon the waves in a storm.

—

Making themselves comfortable on the black leather couch in Yorinobu’s office, each with a glass of whiskey, Rooney takes a sip, needing to work up their courage. “I…um…” they start hesitantly, the words reluctant to leave their mouth.

Yorinobu slides an arm behind them, hand on their shoulder. “Take your time.”

“Right,” Rooney takes another sip, “Do you remember what I told you about my family?”

“You mentioned they died when you were sixteen,” a horrified look comes over him, quickly connecting the dots, “Is this the day they-?”

Rooney nods, confirming his suspicion as Yorinobu takes a sharp breath. “I’m sure you’ve heard by now how they’ve died.” Everyone knows. In the Militia, it was an open secret that being around Rooney was likely to get you killed. Unlucky Shepard. Go with them on a mission, and you won’t come back.

“I have not.” Wait, what? They look over at him in confusion. “I knew you would tell me on your own terms,” Yorinobu admits, “You are honest with me. I can be patient if you need me to be.”

Their guarded heart softens at his admission. “Thank you.”

“There is no need to thank me.”

Silence washes over the both of them as Rooney thinks through their next words. They’re so used to people knowing them by their reputation. The Soldier who got shit done. The Sole Survivor. With Yorinobu, none of those expectations are placed upon them. Rooney is free to be themself. It is an oddly wonderful feeling; it is an oddly terrifying one. “I guess I could start at the beginning…”

He nods, allowing Rooney to continue. “I grew up in a small Biotechnica Company Town. My mom, Hannah Shepard, worked as the head of security.” They remember their mother, a former Militech officer, brave and fearless. Never backing down. “She was really brave, taught me how to shoot my first gun too. Taught me that it would be my responsibility to look after Jack.” From a young age, their mom had taught them how to shoot, simply stating: ONE DAY, YOU’LL NEED TO PROTECT YOUR BROTHER. A duty that Rooney solemnly took. A duty they failed. “My dad, Aiden Shepard, was an agricultural engineer. He was so kind, always encouraging my brother and me.” Rooney always remembers their dad as a soft, kind man. He had a green thumb, teaching Rooney all he knew about plants and farming. Their favorite memories of him are sitting with their dad on the porch bench on summer evenings, both reading together in silence, yet enjoying each other’s company.

“I had a younger brother, Jack, and a cousin, Danny, my age. Jack was so bright and so sweet. Didn’t have a mean bone in his body. I’m sure if he were still alive, he would have done something great.” In their mind, Jack smiles brightly at them, fiddling with some machine he was working on. His enthusiasm was infectious. Jack deserved to be alive; he should be alive. Not Rooney. “Danny was always getting into trouble, but it was trouble I always wanted to be a part of.” They remember the way he would grin mischievously, ready to drag Rooney and Jack into some of his schemes. Despite the trouble the trio would get into, Rooney wouldn’t trade any of those memories for the world.

“Home was gorgeous.” Rooney still feels the sun on their face, the warm breeze flowing through their hair. They hear the rustle of the wheat as the breeze flows through it. “The skies were always a soft blue with a gentle breeze blowing through the wheat. It was like paradise.” How naive Rooney was. They should have appreciated it more, enjoyed what little time they had there. Now, home was a memory, a place they could never return to.

 "I…understand.” His soft utterance surprises them. Yorinobu sips his whiskey. “When I think of my childhood, I think about how wonderful it was sometimes, how happy I used to be…”

“How you wish you could go back,” They finish, “But you can’t, you can never go back.”

“Yes,” the understanding look in his eyes makes Rooney feel a little less lonely, “After what my father had shown me, the veil over my eyes had been lifted. It was a lie, a lie to make me complacent, dependent. He used that lie to mold me into the son he thought I should be. Obedient, Deferential. He had destroyed the home I had known. Your situation is different.”

Rooney sips their whiskey. “Yeah,” their voice cracks, “Home doesn’t exist anymore, wiped off the map, all the people gone.” They pause, their throat tight. “Except for me.” Cursed to live; cursed to survive.

“Shepard,” His thumb rubs comfortingly against the bare skin of their freckled shoulder, “You do not have to tell me this. I will respect-.”

“No, I want to,” They cut him off, inhaling a deep breath, “It’s a little raw considering…”

“I do not want to push if it makes you feel unwell.”

“You’re not pushing; you’re the first one who hasn’t pushed me to talk about this,” Their mind flashes back to Dr. Kimura, always pushing and prodding, “I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”   

“I am glad I can be here for you.”

Rooney gives him a watery smile, dropping it a second later. “The first thing I remember about this day is the night before, especially the fight that I had with my mom.” Yorinobu raises an inquisitive eyebrow. “We were fighting a lot. I wanted to join a Corp, Militech specifically, to see the world, and she thought I was naive, that I was going to make a huge mistake.”

“Militech?” Yorinobu blurts out, surprised.

They nod. “Imagine how differently things would have turned out if I still joined Militech afterwards.”

“We would not have met.”

“Yeah, I know how Militech and Arasaka feel about each other.” Rooney looks down at their whiskey glass. “I can’t forget what I told my mom that night. I told her that hated her.” I HATE YOU SO MUCH, the awful words reverberate around in their head.  “I told her that I hated her for trying to keep me in that stupid town, that I wasn’t going to be stuck there forever, miserable like she was.” YOU CAN’T KEEP ME HERE. I WON’T BE STUCK HERE IN THIS TOWN AND END UP A MISERABLE BITCH LIKE YOU. Their hands shake, tears welling in their eyes. Rooney would give anything to take those words back, to reverse the hands of time, and tell their mom one last time that they love her. They love her so much. Rooney would tell her that they were naive and stupid, understanding what Hannah was trying to protect them from. “What a pair we make, huh? You with Saburo, and me with my mom.”

Yorinobu smiles. “It is natural for children to rebel, to want differently than the path their parents planned for them. You are not wrong for wanting that.”

“I suppose so.” Rooney isn’t sure if they were wrong for wanting, but they should have spoken to their mom differently. “The next day, a group of bandits attacked our town. I’m not sure how they managed it. We fended off attacks before with little damage, but this was different.” It was slaughter, an act of cruel and senseless violence. “Jack, Danny, and I were hanging out in the fields. We were up in an oak tree, watching the clouds as we talked. Then, we saw the smoke. We went to check it out.” Rooney still remembers the tree bark scraping against their palms, barely registering the sting as they fling themself from the tree. “We met Mom at the edge of the field. She handed me a pistol and told me to protect Jack and Danny. The last thing she ever told me was for us to hide and for me to be brave.” ROONEY, TAKE THEM AND HIDE. BE BRAVE FOR ME. The last time Rooney sees their mom is with her back turned to the three as she charges into town, red ponytail with strands of gray swinging in the wind. The pistol is heavy in Rooney’s hands, the full burden of responsibility weighing down on them. “Do you ever feel like you have to protect Hanako?”

“Yes. As children, Hanako and I were close. We only had each other, and I knew I needed to be there for her. I would protect her from any trouble. Even now, as adults, despite our distance, I still want to protect her, free her from my father’s influence. Hanako should be allowed to determine her own path, not a puppet of my father.” Yorinobu takes a sip of his whiskey, conflicting emotions on his face. “Now, Hanako feels she must protect me by playing mediator. In her eyes, all would be right if I became the son my father wanted me to be. If I were to be someone else.”

“You shouldn’t be,” He raises an eyebrow as they awkwardly clarify, “You shouldn’t have to be someone else. I like you as you are.” Yorinobu looks taken aback as they backpedal, “I mean-.”

“Shepard, I understand,” Yorinobu replies cutting them off, “I like you as you are too.”

“Thank you.” Another question comes to them. “What about Kei?” In all their time at the facility, Rooney heard about Kei the least. Possibly because he had been dead since 2023. But they wondered about Yorinobu and his relationship.

“Kei and I were not close. As children, Hanako and I rarely saw him, a distant figure in both our lives. Kei always thought of himself as the dutiful older son, the protector of Arasaka’s legacy. When I left,” Yorinobu’s voice turns bitter, “He saw it as his responsibility to strike me down for daring to defy the family, for not falling into line. Kei paid the ultimate price for his foolishness. I stand, still alive, while he is dead.”   

“I’m sorry.”

Yorinobu shakes his head. “It is not your fault. One day, my father will pay for Kei’s death. Continue.”

“I suggested that we should hide. There was a storm shelter beneath the farmhouse where no one would be able to find us. But-.” I CAN’T LEAVE MY MOM AND DAD. WE HAVE TO FIND THEM. They remember how terrified Danny looked, a sixteen-year-old who just wanted his parents. “Danny wanted us to find his parents. He wouldn’t listen to me or Jack.” Danny’s glare is fierce, and he is defiant at Rooney’s suggestion. He storms away with Jack quickly following behind as he tries to calm Danny. “He couldn’t be stopped.” Rooney finishes their glass, reaching out for the bottle of whiskey, and pouring another.

“So, we head to town.” The moment the three teenagers reach town, they all look at each other, knowing they’ve fucked up. Rooney remembers the thick smell of smoke and dead bodies, nearly choking on it. They hold the pistol with the safety off, ready to fire like their mom taught them to. Yet, at the thought of shooting a real person, Rooney’s hands shake, the pistol wobbling. “Danny thought we needed to head to the center of town.” COME ON, MY PARENTS SHOULD BE AT THE CITY HALL. “I try to argue with him, but he takes off running and rounds the corner. And then, I hear it.”

Yorinobu’s mouth drops in horror as a sick feeling rises in their stomach. The gunshots echo in their ears, deafening, as Rooney sprints towards the alley. Danny is on the ground, red pooling beneath him as a bandit stands over him. Rooney raises the pistol, pulling the trigger. The first shot hits the bandit’s shoulder. The second one hits him in the chest. Later, when Rooney learns to shoot a sniper rifle in the militia, they promise to never miss, to always make sure that their bullet hits the target. They will not let another innocent pay with their life. Rooney sips their glass, before continuing, “Jack and I grab Danny,” Danny’s green t-shirt is soaked in blood, only groaning as the two pull him off the ground, “The local town doctor is only two blocks away. If anyone can help Danny, it’s her.” It is only later that Rooney will find out that this was a fool’s errand, that the local doctor is already dead.

“Jack and I manage to get Danny to the clinic. We think we’ve made it, that the three of us are going to be safe.” It feels like a journey of a thousand miles, but relief washes over Rooney as the clinic door slides open. They’re safe; Jack, Danny, and Rooney are going to make it. HEY! Rooney turns as a Bandit turns to face them, raising his rifle at the trio. “As we enter the clinic, another bandit finds us.” Rooney raises the gun, preparing to fire. Jack, blue eyes wide, shoves Rooney and Danny through the doorway. JACK! Shots ring out, deafening as Rooney screams, a desperate plea for someone, anyone, to help. Jack slumps to the ground as Rooney lets Danny go. They raise their pistol, flicking the safety off as they unload the pistol. Rooney empties the pistol into the bandit, each shot ringing loudly in their ears. When the pistol finally clicks empty, long after the bandit has fallen to the ground, Rooney drops it, the pistol clattering loudly to the ground. “He shoots Jack. I’m able to stop the bandit, but it’s already too late.”

“I grab Jack and Danny, dragging them into the clinic. I find an empty room, somewhere we can hide.” Grabbing Jack and Danny, Rooney pulls them into the clinic, a herculean effort fueled by pure adrenaline. They find an empty room, hiding with Jack and Danny in a dark corner. Danny’s eyes are unfocused, his mouth slightly open. Rooney doesn’t need to feel his pulse to know that he is dead. They turn to Jack, who reaches out for his older sibling. “Jack grabs onto me. I beg for him to let me go, but all he wants is his older sibling. His grip loosens…” He wraps his arms around Rooney’s neck tightly, clinging to them as he bleeds out in their arms. Rooney holds him, alternating between telling Jack that they love him (JACK, I LOVE YOU! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!) and begging him to let go so they can help him (YOU HAVE TO LET ME GO! I’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HELP!).  Eventually, his grip loosens, Rooney silently sobbing as their brother dies. In the Unification War, when they hold dying young men, trying to comfort them in their last moments, they will always remind Rooney of Jack. They will always be Jack, terrified in their final moments, begging for some sort of comfort, that everything will be okay. “And my brother is dead.”

Tears stream down their face as Rooney grips their whiskey tightly. “I hide in the clinic for what seems like an eternity.” They wait until the screaming dies down, and even then, Rooney doesn’t leave, afraid the bandits will be waiting for them. After the screaming has been dead for a long time, Rooney makes their way out of the clinic, looking upon the destruction of their town.  Every corpse is a familiar face, someone they’ve known their whole life. “Eventually, Nomads, who regularly traded with us and did odd jobs for Biotechnica, pass by, and…” Well, the rest is history.

“Rooney, I’m-I’m so sorry…” Yorinobu seems to be at a loss for words, unsurprising. No one ever seems to know what to say, and Rooney can’t blame them.

“Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault.” They finish off the glass, pouring themself another. Yorinobu tilts his head in confusion, perhaps concerned by their harsh, detached tone. “It’s the bandits fault for destroying my town. It’s my fault that Jack and Danny are dead, that I couldn’t protect them.”

Yorinobu sits straight up, removing his hand from their shoulder. Rooney misses his touch, a sole comfort, perhaps more than they deserve. He places his glass down on the table. Yorinobu grabs their glass, placing it down beside his. Rooney doesn’t fight him, unable to look at him, only looking down at their hands. Yorinobu takes their hands in his, his touch desperate. “You cannot blame yourself. You were sixteen.”             

“I can blame myself,” They look at him, meeting his eyes, “It was my job to protect Jack. He’s my younger brother. He needed me, and I failed him. Danny, too.” After their town, Rooney swore that they would protect others from suffering the same fate.

He looks slightly horrified, and Rooney wonders if he is thinking of himself and Hanako, perhaps seeing a mirror image of Jack in Hanako. Yorinobu releases their hands, only to cup their face, wiping away the tears. “It was not your fault.” He stresses every word, like a general giving a command to a stubborn soldier. On some level, Rooney knows this is irrational. Their psych in the militia, a no-nonsense woman whom Rooney felt safe talking to, used to tell them the same thing. So did their fellow soldiers in their support group. But Rooney couldn’t let it go, not when it had driven them their whole life. Not when their family had rejected them for it. Their tears fall faster, a sob escaping from them as Yorinobu’s eyes widen in surprise. “Something else troubles you.”

“Yeah.”

“Please tell me.”

“Remember our first conversation, when I told you to leave something alone?”

Confusion briefly crosses his face before the realization dawns. “You looked upset when I asked,” They hear a touch of concern in his voice, “Did it involve your family?”

“Yes,” the vision of their family around the dining room table is startlingly clear in their mind, “I saw my family.”

“You…saw them?”

“Don’t know what it was. Might have been a hallucination; might have been my mind playing a trick on me, but I saw them.” Rooney’s voice trembles, “I got to go home, see them all again, and they...they…” Their throat tightens, the words too difficult to speak. “They wouldn’t let me stay.”

“Rooney,” Yorinobu exhales their name, distraught as he wipes away more tears.

“I failed to protect Jack and Danny, and I wasn’t allowed to come home,” Rooney swallows back a sob, “I wasn’t good enough so I couldn’t stay.”

Yorinobu lets go of their face, pulling Rooney into his lap. They straddle his waist, trying to openly sob as they lay their hands on his chest. “Rooney,” His right hand lays on the back of their neck, “You did not fail. You were sixteen. No one could have asked more of you.” Rooney doesn’t believe him; they don’t know if they ever will. This guilt will gnaw at Rooney for the rest of their life until they take their final breath. If Rooney is ever allowed to take one. “Believe me,” Yorinobu pleads sincerely, “Please.”

Yorinobu’s earnestness cracks the stone walls around their heart. They collapse into his chest, burying their face in the crook of his neck. Rooney tightly grips the fabric of his black and magenta silk shirt, holding onto him like an overboard passenger holds onto a raft, adrift in the ocean. A sob escapes them, and Yorinobu’s hand comes to their back, rubbing circles in the black fabric of their tank top. His other hand rests on their thigh, thumb stroking along the seam of the black fabric. “If you need to, cry.”

They can’t fully break down, not for a lack of trying. Instead, Rooney holds him tightly, crying softly as Yorinobu comforts them. His voice is soothing, a tether to reality for them.

—

Eventually, Rooney finds they have no more tears left to cry. They’re exhausted, worn down to the bone. “Thank you.” Their voice feels raw and scratchy, their throat tight.

“Do you feel better?” He asks, watching them with concern. “Please be honest with me.”

Honesty is the least of what he deserves; Yorinobu deserves so much from them. “No,” They’re not sure if they will ever be okay, “I don’t know if I will be, but you being here….”

Yorinobu releases the breath he was holding. “Do you need-?”

They shake their head. “I just want to sleep.”

“Allow me to take you to your room.” Rooney gets up off his lap, untangling themself from Yorinobu. He follows them off the couch, slinging an arm around their shoulder.

They slide their arm around his waist, resting their head on his shoulder. Together, the pair walk silently down the Arasaka halls alone. Rooney feels a swell of affection towards him. There was no reason for him to be this kind to them, and yet…he was. Perhaps Rooney and Yorinobu were kindred souls, both alone in a hostile place looking for someone who would see them as they are.

When the pair reaches Rooney’s room, Yorinobu asks, “Will you be fine if you are left alone tonight?” Maybe. Rooney isn’t going to hurt themself, but the nightmares worry them. Sometimes, they relive the scenes over and over, a gruesome horror movie on repeat. Their silence is enough to answer his question. “I am staying.”

Rooney frowns. “You don’t need to stay.” They won’t be more of a burden on him.

“I want to stay with you,” Yorinobu opens the door, “Please let me.”

A small spark of humor arises in them. “I didn’t know you were eager to get into my bed.”

Yorinobu laughs, slightly surprised. “You must be feeling better.”

“Somewhat,” They smile at him shyly, “Thanks to you.”

He looks smug, clearly proud of himself. “To bed.”

A few minutes later, the duo crawl into bed with Rooney on the right and Yorinobu on the left. The tiny bed is meant for one person, but Rooney and Yorinobu make it work, spooning close together. Rooney’s metal arm wraps around his chest, Yorinobu’s hand resting on top of their hand. They are pressed tight against his back, cuddling him. “Are you comfortable?” He asks, his tone a little unsure. “Would you prefer I hold you?”

“No. I feel better holding you, unless you want to change positions.”

“I like this,” Yorinobu replies softly, his voice sending a warm and tingly feeling through them.

“Good.” The darkness and silence of the room descend upon them. A short while later, as they doze off, Rooney hears a soft snore from Yorinobu. They bite back a soft laugh, striking them as slightly cute. Rooney whispers, careful not to wake him, “Thank you for everything. I don’t know what I would have done without you today. It’s the first time I haven’t felt alone on this day. I don’t know if I can ever return the favor.” They pause briefly. “But I promise I will try to be there for you in any way you need me to be.”

Closing their eyes, Rooney allows themself to fall asleep, comfortable and safe with Yorinobu in their arms.

#cp2077 fanfic #cyberpunk 2077 fanfic #yorinobu arasaka x OC #kate writes #the rooney fic tag #I won't let fear compromise who I am #commander rooney shepard #OTP: It always comes right back to you #death tw #surivor's guilt tw #violence tw #sorry to all the Jack fans this one is gonna be rough for y'all #I would tell everyone to have fun reading this #but this fic was a bummer to write #and I'm sure not the lightest reading #I hope this came out okay #but I've been wanting to explore something like this for a while with Rooney #and I hope I did the concept justice #anyway if you want emotional compensation #I think I have a fluffier fic for Rooney and Yori that I can post later this week

[fanfictionera]

My Queen (BuckyxReader) Smut

A/N: I have always wanted to write a Sex Pollen fic but every time I tried to write one it didn't feel right. Finally I started writing and the vibes started flowing. I wanted filthy smut but with emotion and feeling and I hope that I achieved that. Either way I am super proud of this and I hope readers enjoy!

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Synopsys: The reader and Bucky are sent on a mission where they are exposed to what is referred to as Sex Pollen. Their feelings for each other are forced to be faced.

Word Count: 6,218

Warnings: Sex Pollon, Friends to Lovers, forced sex (due to drugs), sprinkle of Angst, Bucky, SMUT, SMUT SMUT SMUT. SO LITTLE PLOT.

My Queen

Bucky stood in the back of the Quinjet, checking over his person. It was like a ritual for him, starting from the top he would check every strap and belt, double check each gun and knife blade. His body swayed, compensating for the slight lurch of the Quinjet before it leveled out.

“And we have touched down,” Y/N said from the pilot's seat, with a press of a button her chair spun around. She came up behind Bucky gently tugging on his back harness. The back of the Quinjet dropped down, revealing several structures in a clearing, surrounded by trees. They began to make their way to the larger building in the center. The clearing was shrouded in a dark gray filter as the misty fog creeped its way through the trees, under a sky blanketed by cloud cover, reclaimed by nature. A scan showed no signs of human life, which was little in the way of relief.

They silently approached the front door before stepping into the building. A home. The remnants of one anyway. They entered the kitchen, with a table still made. Flowers in a porcelain milk jug left dead, wilted and dried in the center. A plate sat next to a folded newspaper. Y/N could feel the shift in the air as soon as they walked in. The weight of the secrets of the house, hidden behind the semblance of a quiet life, mixed with the pure evil that seeped from its walls in tendrils made Y/N uneasy. 

They progressed through the first and second level of the home. Although every surface was covered in a thick layer of dust each room sat pristine, frozen in time as if the owner just ceased to exist. One of many of Hydra’s calling cards.

They made their way back outside and to the side of the house. Y/N turned scanning the tree line as Bucky yanked and cleared away brush that covered the storm doors nestled against the house. Nature revealed the chained and padlocked metal doors.

Bucky pulled the chain, breaking it in his metal hands. The parts slipped through his fingers like sand. The doors opened with a gut dropping creek revealing a set of stairs leading down into a dirt floor cellar. 

“Ladies First.” He waved his hand as he motioned his hand forward, his eyes scanning behind Y/N. 

She walked forward, “What a gentleman.”

The cellar was packed hard, the air was stale and stagnant. The wooden shelves that lined the stone wall held glass jars full of canned food. 

Bucky walked to the corner, moving a basket out of the way, revealing a hatch. 

The ladder led down to a concrete room, with the only doorway being a gated elevator shaft. An electrical box was mounted on the wall. Bucky opened it and began to check it over before pulling the large handle down. It made a large metallic thunk as Bucky forced the handle down. A soft wiring noise began to buzz.

Bucky pulled the metal gate to the side, ushering Y/N into the car, he closed the gate after he stepped on and reached for the hand crank on the side. Slowly the metal gears began to move and creak as the elevator descended. “Why does every Hydra base have a creepy elevator?” Y/N asked as she took in the rust-streaked walls of the shaft illuminated by dingy yellowing lights that flickered as they warmed up. 

“Günter did suggest rainbows and butterflies, but as you can see, he was outvoted.” Y/N tried to hide her smile as she rolled her eyes.

The elevator came to a stop as it reached the bottom of the shaft, pulling the gate aside again, they found themselves in a storm of destruction “What is this place?”

“It's a lab, was a lab.” Bucky looked around, “I don't believe I was ever here, but it's where they developed all kinds of fun.”

They began to clear the room, flashlight in hand. Tables sat disheveled and tipped over, their contents scattered. Papers littered every surface like confetti. Various medical equipment and hardware mixed and mingled with the papers, while every box of a computer was shattered or broken. As if someone punched every screen. Several lighting fixtures hung from the ceiling, attached by a few wires, while others found their way to the floor. Bucky held a dangling light to the side, letting Y/N walk through before following.

She scanned the room as she took another step, a loud popping crunch noise made her jump, she looked down, lifting her foot, to see the glass shards sprayed across the floor. 

Bucky laughed as he pushed past her. “You’ve been playing to many zombie games,”

“Shut up.” She walked behind him.

Bucky laughed again as he held his arms out, doing his best zombie impression, ‘Brainsss.” He turned to grab her head. “No brainsssss”

Y/N shoved him playfully, "Can we just do this and get the hell out of here?" Bucky chuckled as he clicked on his flashlight and continued sweeping the lab with a smug smile on his face. Y/N wasn't going to lie, nothing about this place made her feel good. She wasn't sure if it was because of its history or its current state, either way she was very much looking forward to leaving. 

As they continued into the next room, Y/N eyes came to rest on Bucky’s back. They trailed across his harness, how it spanned across his wide shoulders. The dim lights still highlighted the muscular lines built into the metal of his arm. Bucky paused for a moment, pivoting on his heel to double check a dark corner. His face was concentrated, eyes trained. She couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to have them trained on her. 

She shook her head, focus, she mouthed to herself. With the room cleared they were moving forward again; her eyes came to the back of his head and down his back. They slowly trailed down to his ass, framed perfectly in his tactical pants, the seams accentuating his curve. 

Suddenly Bucky stopped, looking up at a mess of chains, “Let’s see what's behind door number one.” He put his flashlight between his teeth as he began to roll his sleeve up his flesh arm. 

Y/N watched, entranced by the simple action, she glanced up to see Bucky watching her. He smiled around the flashlight; he reached up with this metal hand taking the source of light. He took several steps toward her before bringing his hand up to her jaw.

“That’s what does it for you?” he swiped his thumb against her bottom lip before swiping his thumb down, pulling her lip with it. “Is it my arm?”

She nodded.

“Or is it my fingers?” Her eyes dilated as Bucky chuckled leaning forward, “Do you want my fingers?” She could feel his breath against her skin as he walked behind her, his flesh hand reaching around, grasping the toggle of her zipper. She could hear each tooth unzip as he pulled the zipper down its full length. The coolness of the metal left a tingling sensation as he followed in the zipper wake, his palm slid down her stomach, closer to her aching core. Her breathing became heavy as her head began to spin.

“Hey,” Bucky’s voice sounded firm, the look of concern evident “Are you okay?”

The world came crashing back in a blink of her eye. Her eyes snapped open to find Bucky standing in front of her, still messing with the chains. She shook her head trying to shake off the ghost feeling of his touch. Y/N took a deep breath, her brow began to pull together, "Do you smell that?” She takes another deep breath through her nose, “It's almost sweet, floral, its faint.”

Bucky looked at her puzzled, the air around them smelled musty and old. Then the realization hit him. "Shit.” With the chains forgotten, Bucky grabbed her arm and pulled her back down where they came, “Where is that vile you stepped on?”

His touch was distracting, “Over, over there, I think?" He let go of her, "What's going on?” Y/N asked as Bucky began searching the ground.

He turned still looking, “Just, please, we need to find it.”

She walked back over a row and kicked a pile of papers, a cracked vile rolled out, “It's right here.” The end was still intact, the label holding the shards together.

Copulation Stimulant 

Y/N’s eyes read over the label, “Is this?” She looked back down again hoping she read it wrong, “This is, oh my god--no-no-no-no.” She dropped the vile again, the realization setting in, her hands coming to her face as she rambled, “I can't do this, this has to be some cruel joke. Yeah? It’s labeled wrong? I can’t actually fuck my best friend…I can't--”

11-197020-43

“Oh, come on now,” As Y/N began to spiral Bucky knelt down to confirm his suspicion, "Best Friend!?" He tried to joke, to keep Y/N with him. "Nat might fight me for that title."

"Stop. I'm serious. You don't understand," She began shaking slightly, overwhelmed as the tears began to fall down her cheek. 

Bucky's smug smile dropped from his face as he took in Y/N’s state, his eyebrows knitted together.

Y/N's chest tightened as she looked up at him. “I can’t fuck my best friend because I’m in love with my best friend."

"Sweetheart" The word came out of Bucky’s mouth like an exhale as he took in her words. 

“Oh my god, am I going to fuck my best friend, who I’m in love with, for the first time in a dingy old Hydra base." Y/N's mind was moving a million miles a second. A heat began to spread from her core, she took a deep breath. 

“Come on,” Bucky gently grabbed her arm, "Not here, let's get back to the Quinjet, okay?”

Y/N shook her head as she let Bucky lead her out of the bunker. She could feel the heat spreading throughout her body, like water slowly trickling down through the soil, saturating each grain as it was pulled down by gravity. It felt invasive. 

The Quinjet bay door began to close as Bucky climbed into the pilot's chair. Y/N sat in the back, her breath becoming heavy. "I'm getting really hot." 

“Like little pin pricks of heat all over your skin?" The Quinjet shook slightly as it rose into the sky.

"Yeah-h" Y/N said as a sheen of sweat began to cover her face. 

"It's hitting you faster." He quickly flipped some switches before getting up out of the chair, he grabbed a med kit duffle bag out of the closet before kneeling in front of her.

Y/N's brow slowly pulled together, "Why?"

"It's designed for super soldiers." Bucky began as he pulled out and cracked a jelly ice pack, instantly making it cold before placing it on her neck. "Which means it's stronger for you."

Y/N felt the sting of the cold radiate, "Okay, okay…okay. What's going to happen?" Her head swirled as she placed her hand over his that held the ice pack, grounding herself. “Be honest.”

Bucky took a deep breath, unable to pull his gaze from her pleading one. "Your adrenaline will slowly rise, until your heart feels like it's going to burst and every cell in your body is vibrating." He flipped the ice pack to the other side of her neck. "It's going to alter chemicals in your brain, driving up your sex drive and arousal." His chest began to heave as he began to feel the effects. “At the same time, it will lower your inhibitions and block all sense of self control.”

Y/N took a deep breath through her nose. "And sex is the only way?"

"No, we can ride this out." Bucky said as he also breathed deep. "It will be torture, an ache of a pain that will thunder through your existence. Every second you resist will feel like one second closer to death, but it won't kill you."

Y/N fought through another wave of heat before responding, "I don't know what to do. It's getting hard to think."

"Yeah." Bucky knew what was to come. How many hours they would have to endure if they waited it out. He dropped the ice pack, now warm, before bringing his hands up to the sides of Y/N's face, pulling her focus back. "Listen to me," He took a moment, “Never in a million years would I have wanted this to be our first time." He let out another grunt as he fought another wave, a smirk appeared through it. "I planned on asking you out, on a real date, before I led you to my bed. To treat you like a queen. My queen.” Tears threatened the corners of Y/N's eyes. Her heart was beating in her ears, and it felt like years as they leaned forward, their foreheads resting against each other. “If we do this now, it won't be like that, you need to know once I start, I will not be able to stop. You will not be able to stop."

Her fingers came up dragging down the edge of his scruff-covered jaw line. “I understand. I trust you, please, I trust you.”

The moment his lips touched hers everything stopped. Bucky physically felt Y/N's body relax as her lips began to move against his. She snaked her hands up his chest and behind his neck before pulling herself off the back of the chair and as close to him as she could. 

Y/N got lost in the intense high created, everything slowed down and hazed over. A dull, mind numbing, wave of emotions swirled in her brain as all sense of time was lost till eventually it wound itself into a ball and exploded against the back of her eyelids. The heat began to fade, leaving a chill across her skin. Her head felt empty and tired. Mentally she couldn't string two coherent thoughts together. Her body felt loose, and her eyes watered as a tear slid down. 

"Hey, it's over." Bucky was catching his breath as he held her head in his hand, looking into her eyes, "it's over," her gaze was distant. 

"Shit." Bucky held onto her, held her close as he began rummaging through the duffle bag, "Come on, there you are." Bucky returned to Y/N, "Y/N, doll, I need you to take this. It will help, can you do that?"

Y/N Glanced down at the small syringe in his hand, "What is it?" The words slurred and tired.

"It will let you sleep till we get back and Bruce can help." Bucky replied softly. 

The tears began to stream down her face, "I'm feeling everything. At once."

“I know. It’s the drug, a side effect.” Bucky took her hand, “Sleep will help.”

“Okay,” Y/N shook her head as she sniffled. Within moments of the liquid entering her blood stream, Y/N's eyes became heavy, and her body relaxed as she drifted off. Bucky gently maneuvered her, placing her on her side across several seats. He fixed her suit, now ripped wide open from navel down to her exposed thighs, her breasts out on display. He pulled the sides of the fabric, covering her the best he could before he grabbed one of the packs of the on-board pillows and blankets, ripping it out of its packaging. He positioned the small pillow under her head and draped the blanket over her body before cleaning himself up and making his way to the cockpit. 

Bucky listened and waited for her to fall into a deep sleep before grabbing the headset. "Friday, please connect me with Steve and Bruce."

"Right away," Friday responded as two small transparent screens appeared in front of Bucky's face. 

Steve's face was scrunched as he slowly woke up, "Hey, what time is it?"

"Two." Bruce replied as he did a double take, pulling on his glasses, "In the morning."

"There's been a situation," Bucky's voice was low, Steve's attention was immediately caught, and he finally took in Bucky's appearance, "We came into contact…with a substance," Bucky looked back again making sure Y/N was still out, "It was developed by Hydra for their breeding program, they called it copulation stimulant, but everyone referred to it as sex pollen." As the Quinet silently made the trek back to the compound, Bucky filled them in.

Bucky tossed and turned in bed, he rolled over, sheets tangled around his legs and stared up at the ceiling. Taking a deep breath he reached over for his phone, the screen turned on showing it was only mid-morning. 

He rubbed his face before kicking his sheets off and sitting up on the edge of the bed. He stared down at his floor, his mind taking over sucking him back into that moment. Flashes of Y/N's face, filled with fear, overwhelmed with emotions and emptiness played on repeat. 

He blinked away the images as he made his way out of his room. Bucky walked down the hall towards Steve's room. 

Steve sat at his table; papers strewn about as he caught up on his paperwork. He heard the knock before Bucky walked in. 

"How are you feelin'?" Steve asked as Bucky slumped into a chair, aimlessly picking up a piece of paper, setting it back down, not interested. 

"How is she?" Is all Bucky asked. 

Steve pushed a tablet towards him, "Medically speaking, she's okay, nothing more than a few bruises."

Bucky looked down at the screen, a mission report, currently on the recorded incidents page. His eyes instantly skimmed and settled on Y/N's list of injuries before swiping through the rest of the report.

"I decided not to include the details." Steve continued as Bucky sat the tablet down with an exhale. Steve slowly set down the pen as he leaned back in his chair slightly. "Buck, how are you?"

"Angry." Bucky shook his head. "For me to go through it again, fine. But not her."

"Did Hydra use this stuff often?" Steve's brow pulled up softly. 

Bucky's lips flashed a sad smile with a huff of a laugh, "It cycled through. They called it a compliance tool." He looked at his friend, "Sometimes they would call it a reward." 

"Jesus." Steve let out under his breath. 

“They had an endless supply of compliance tools and rewards.” Bucky shrugged slightly, "I'm okay Steve, honestly.”

"I was going to go check on her in a bit.” Steve leaned forward and picked up his pen again as he glanced up at the clock on the wall. "Bruce gave her something to help her sleep more, rest is probably the best for her right now, so she probably won't be stirring for another hour or two." Bucky nodded his head slightly as Steve spoke.

Steve watched as Bucky began to slip back into his thoughts. "Hey," His voice pulled Bucky's eyes to him. "You guys will be dancing around each other again soon enough."

"I told her." Bucky's confession came out softly. "How I feel, right before I railed her brains out in a fit of uncontrollable horny rage." 

“I’m sorry, what?” Steve sat staring at his friend, “You thought, that after being exposed to a chemical weapon used to sexually exploit their victims, yeah this is a good time to confess my feelings to the woman I’ve been absolutely obsessed with since the first day I saw her?”

"Yup," Bucky popped the p, "In my defense she confessed first.”

“Unbelievable,” Steve pinched, “Why are you two like this?”

“In love? Or Insane?” Bucky asked back with a shrug,

Steve crossed his arms as he leaned back, “Go talk to her you jerk."

…

Y/N’s room was dark, every curtain pulled tight and not a single light was on. She had woken up several times only to roll over and fall back asleep, not wanting or ready to face the world yet. She lay on her belly, letting herself lay there, her head spiraling with thoughts. She grabbed for her phone, the brightness from the screen making her recoil, it was already close to two in the afternoon. She rolled back over onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. 

“What's wrong with me?” She asked quietly to herself. 

She never wanted to experience sex pollen again, it scared her to her core to have her own free will taken away. Her heartbeat picked up as she thought about it, a panic slowly bubbling. She took a deep breath, “We can ride this out.” His words echoed in her head. “I wanted to take you out on a date. Treat you like a queen. My queen.” Her heart stuttered a moment as she took another deep breath. 

A knock at her door drew her attention. Slowly she rose from her bed, just as she approached the door another soft knock came. She reached for the handle and opened it to find Bucky standing with a paper bag in hand.

She stared at him, her words stuck in her throat, “Team ordered out, I got your favorite.” Bucky held the paper bag up. “I, um, I wanted to check in and.."  He paused as he shrugged.

Y/N could see the anxiety and pain behind his eyes. She stepped closer to him, her hands coming to the sides of his torso and sliding back, as she hugged him. 

As if on que Y/N stomach growled and she let out a small laugh. She pulled back, taking the bag from Bucky. “Thank you, I don't think I ate anything in the med bay when we got back.” She turned into the room, “Wanna come in?"

As Y/N walked back in, she flicked on a few lamps, creating a soft glow. Bucky closed the door behind him, unsure of what to do. Her desk was sitting just far away to be awkward but the only other place to sit would be her bed, somewhere he had never thought twice about before as he would just sit down or jump in. Now? He was acutely aware of his actions, and it created a ball of anxiety in the pit of his stomach.

“Bucky, you're welcome to sit on my bed.” Y/N noticed his hesitation.

He shrugged. “I didn't want to make you uncomfortable.” 

“You aren't” Y/N said as she pulled a plate down from a cabinet in her Kitchenette. 

Bucky paused for a moment before taking a deep breath, "What's going through your head?" Y/N stopped what she was doing, food forgotten as he continued. "Be honest."

Y/N turned, leaning against the counter, to face him. She crossed her arms as she took a moment to bring her words forward, "Did you mean what you said?" her question was soft and quiet. "Your queen." She blinked her gaze up to his.

Bucky let out a huff of a laugh, the corner of his mouth pulling up, “I remember the day you arrived at the compound.” He continued. “That morning Steve and I were set to leave to go on a recon mission. We were going back to the Siberian Hydra base; I hadn't been back since the airport incident. I was an absolute mess leading up to it.” Bucky looked down at his hands as he absentmindedly followed the lines and seams of his metal finger with this flesh. “I probably shouldn't have gone.” He paused again. “I had come so far, the words out of my head, a family around me and I had finally thought I found peace. Yet the moment I stepped back into that room, I looked upon that pit with that monstrosity of a machine still sitting there. I lost it. It instantly triggered a spiral of anger and I felt pushed right back down to my lowest existence.” Bucky kept his eyes trained on the floor. “Steve watched as I destroyed the machine, before helping me calm down. We got the answers we needed, well Steve got the answers we needed. When we got back, I was so far stuck in my head, but then I heard this laughter, it was light and contagious.” Bucky looked up at Y/N who was giving him her full attention. “Your laughter.”

“I followed that sound, until I saw you. Sitting at the counter, a smile on your face and I swear I had never seen anything more beautiful in my life. For the first time since I could remember I could feel this spark of a flame ignite inside of me.” Bucky continued. “This spark that created light and hope and feeling. It only grew. Day after day. It grew with your kindness and confidence. Your strength and your intelligence. That day you took Steve down, he played it off, but I knew that you had genuinely taken him by surprise, I could see it in his eyes. So, I let myself fall in love, I let that light grow into a raging blaze. Until I found myself trying to muster up the courage to tell you while simultaneously trying not to take you where you stood. Ask me again, ask me if I meant what I said.”

Tears were building up in Y/N’s eyes, “Did you mean it?”

"Every word." There was no hesitation in his response as he didn't look away. "I would worship every inch of your mind and body, if you'd let me."

The world began to fade away as Y/N's heart began to beat faster. Bucky's words swirled in her head as she tried to comprehend their meaning as if she couldn't believe them. Bucky sat patiently watching as Y/N slowly walked up to him. Her gaze uncertain, he could feel the tension in the air, as the line they both were hesitant to cross was quickly approaching.

Y/N tentatively stepped between his legs. She could feel the tug of war between her anxiety and adrenaline as she reached to touch his face. She moved her thumb across his jaw, Bucky could see her mind taking off.

He brought his hands up to rest on her hips, "Look at me." Y/N stood quiet for a moment as she took in his unwavering gaze. "What do you need?”

Y/N took a deep breath, "To be your queen.”

He gently pulled her closer. His lips pressed against hers, a tingling sensation ran through her body. Y/N felt Bucky’s hands gently slide down to the crook of her knees. He pulled her up onto his lap, sliding his hands over her thighs following the curve of her ass, before pulling her flush as he deepened the kiss. His lips moved against hers with a gentle urgency as they began to get lost in each other. In that moment, nothing else mattered - no worries or fears, no past or future. There was only the heat of the moment, the electricity between them.

Y/N let her fingers sink back into his hair, tugging slightly, as a low moan tumbled from Bucky’s mouth. “I need more.” Y/N said as Bucky kissed down to the nape of her neck.

He slid his hands up under the hem on her shirt, letting them slowly trail up her sides. Her chest heaved as his thumbs ghosted the underside of her breasts. 

She pulled herself off him, sliding herself back to stand between his legs again, slowly she pulled her shirt up and over her head. He reached up and pulled his own shirt over his head, discarding it. He leaned back, picking up his hips as he pulled his pants down, kicking them off. His length sprung up to full attention and Y/N’s eyes dilated. She stood back admiring Bucky, taking in his sheer size, she bit her lip as her core began to pulse. 

“Come here,” Bucky’s words pulled her in like a lure.

As she climbed back on his lap her hands came to the side of his face and pulled him into her lips. A breathy sigh of a moan escaped Y/N. She lifted herself up on her knees, pushing him slightly back to get to the right angle. She could feel his tip resting at her entrance.

Bucky nudged her nose with his, getting her to look at him. She held eye contact as she slowly slid down, feeling herself stretch around him until she bottomed out. A broken gasp fell from Y/N as the feeling of fullness made her body shutter, Bucky’s stomach twitched in response. She slowly began to roll her hips. His hands squeezed her thighs as he let out a swallowed moan. Her pace quickened until her hips began to fall out of rhythm as she desperately chased her release. 

"That's it sweetheart," His words of encouragement doused in an aroused tone. He felt her sides flutter. He could feel her pressing down on him. He kissed the edge of her jaw as his other hand cupped the back of her head before slowly sliding his lips down her neck. Grazing over her nipples. Another flutter. Her hand slid up into his hair and gently pulled him closer, pressing her nipple to his lips.  The way she took what she wanted made him feral. "Fuck" Bucky whispered. The sound was low and guttural, skittering over her skin like wildfire. 

With every heavy breath a moan escaped. With the last roll of her hips her orgasm exploded through her. Y/N's let out a choked moan as her knees clenched together on either side of Bucky. She felt his metal fingers splayed across her back and his flesh held onto her waist. 

Still fully seated, She let her head fall onto his shoulder as she attempted to catch her breath. Bucky pressed his lips to the other side of her neck before tipping her head back up to see her face. She felt like she was floating in euphoria.

"Feeling good?" Bucky's hand cradled her head. 

A smile spread on her face as she nodded into his hand. "I need more."

Bucky pulled her face to his, guiding her to his lips. Kissing her slowly as he reached his hands behind her, sliding them down her back. He began kissing down her neck and chest as she leaned back slightly. He sucked a nipple into his mouth, feeling Y/N pulse around his sheathed member. He let it fall from his mouth watching the soft skin bounce slightly before latching on again. Y/N squirmed, grinding down, desperate for any movement. 

Bucky gripped her hips and pressed her down further as he worshipped her chest. "James," His name came out as a broken whine. 

"Say that again." Bucky instructed, "Say my name."

"Ja-ahhhh-mes" He sucked her nipple again as she spoke. 

He smirked slightly as he slid his hands under her ass and stood up, Y/N held on as Bucky turned them around and dropped her on the bed. Y/N rubbed her thighs together from the loss of friction. Bucky watched for a moment before Y/N let her legs fall open. Splayed fully open for him, Bucky instantly crawled over, his breath against her sex making her shutter. His lips trailed kisses up her stomach. 

“How many nights have you imagined me like this?” A low chuckle came from Bucky, “Not just nights, and not just this.” He sucked her nipple between his teeth, making her gasp, before he soothed the shock away with his tongue. Y/N’s fingers ghosted over his hairline as she slid them back into his hair, he looked up at her and his eyes darkened as he sunk down and ran his tongue flat against her core. 

Her fingers curled, pulling his hair as her back arched off the bed. Electricity buzzed and exploded up over her body. His hands gripped her hips, keeping her from going too far.

Y/N fell further into bliss as Bucky explored her folds with his tongue. Soft moans spilled between her breaths. She gasped as he slowly inserted a finger, moving it in and out, then two, he felt her walls constrict as he slowly moved and curled his fingers. Y/N began to rock her hips against his face. His lips captured her clit sucking softly before pulling back, letting it fall from his lips. Y/N’s mouth fell open as the filthiest moan fell from her lips. 

He began rubbing his lips and tongue against her in a smooth pattern that felt like a love letter. Her hands gripped his, slipping back to his wrists as she writhed with him, completely letting him guide her over the edge. 

A choked moan came as Y/N’s legs squeezed Bucky’s head. She involuntarily curled up. Bucky wiped his mouth as he sat back on his knees, bringing his fingers up, sucking them clean.

He reached down and grasped her thighs, pulling them up and over his. He leaned back down, letting his hands slide up her torso, up and under her breasts, as his lips found hers once more. 

Y/N could feel his tip at her entrance, and it sent a shiver down her spine. 

She clung to his shoulders, nails dragging across his skin as he slowly pushed himself to his base. She felt the stretch as Bucky began to roll his hips, slowly dragging himself in and out. He began to pick up his pace, to read her body and follow her needs. Y/N hand snaked back around Bucky’s neck, as he sat back up on his knees, she clung to him as he continued his relentless pace. Y/N gripped onto the back of his neck with one hand as she found his knee with her other hand, propping herself up. There was no need however, as Bucky held her up, with his metal hand firmly on her ass and his flesh arm wrapped around the small of her back. He watched as her eyes rolled back into her head, his lips catch and dragged up her neck before sucking on her pulse.

Y/N’s body trembled as she fought to hold back, selfishly wanting more yet not knowing if she could take it. 

She felt her core wound as tight as it would go, unable to hold on to it any longer, she let go. Her body shuttered and Bucky could feel her orgasm pulse around him, squeeze him. He continued, fucking her through, dragging her out as far as he could. He was close and couldn't take it anymore. He let Y/N fall back onto the bed, as he pulled out and finished on her stomach. 

Their breathing was heavy as Bucky leaned over once more, bringing his hand up to Y/N face, her eyes glossed over in euphoria. “Are you okay?’

“Yeah,” She shook her head as she let out a sigh, “More than,”

A smile spread across Bucky’s face as he kissed her, “I am going to go get the shower ready for you, is that okay?”

Y/N Shook her head again before gently pressing her lips to his. “I need to lay here for a moment.”

“You just lay here and look pretty,” Bucky pulled himself off the bed.

Bucky walked into the bathroom, turning the water on to let it warm up. He quickly washed himself and cleaned up before setting up the bathroom for Y/N. He pulled a fresh towel out, placing it in the warmer next to the shower. A purchase that at first, he thought was ridiculous but has since rescinded that opinion. 

He heard Y/N soft pitter pats as she walked in, the steam beginning to form and build. “All set, towel is in the warmer.”

“Thank you,” Y/N said as she made her way to the shower.

“Don't be too long, your food will get cold.” Bucky kissed her forehead before he left Y/N to clean up as he went back out and continued to reheat the food, he had gotten for her. While the microwave hummed, he stripped the bed and stretched new sheets from corner to corner. Laid out the blankets and pulled them back slightly ready for Y/N to crawl in. 

He pulled down another plate for himself before playing up the food. Just as he finished cleaning up Y/N walked out. “Smells good.” She came up to Bucky’s side, wrapping a hand around his arm, leaning against his shoulder. “I am so hungry,” a laugh escaped Y/N, her head moved slightly as Bucky moved his arm. “Go eat, I’ll be right there with some water.”

“Thank you,” Y/N grabbed the plate and took a deep smell through her nose and smiled. “You really did get my favorite.” She said as she settled in on the bed and took a bite.

Bucky sat a cup of water down on her side table before crawling in to join her, “I know. I know all your favorites.”

“Oh?” Y/N asked as she took another bite. 

“And I have the rest of the night to figure out the ones I don't know.” A blush spread across Y/N’s cheeks. 

“I am looking forward to it.” She smiled as she glanced over at Bucky. “I could get use to this queen shit.”

“Oh, you just wait Doll,” Bucky replied. “I am just getting started.”

-End-

#bucky barnes x reader #buckyxreader #bucky #bucky fanfic #james buchanan barnes #marvel fic #marvel #mcu #steve rogers #sex pollen #smut

[kookslastbutton]

Guilty Pleasures ༓ jjk, kth (m) | chapter ii

✒ Summary: Three years of being Seoul's power couple earns you nothing but a big fat divorce settlement and your face plaster on every gossip column around town. You're angry, hurt, and desperately want to move on, but worst of all? You're still in love with the man who started the whole mess, even though the most he can ever see you as is a friend. The renowned actor you've hired to be your company's new endorser seems to have a soft spot for you though. He's easy on the eyes, you'll admit, but who actually wants a divorcee like yourself? It's unrealistic really.

pairing: ex-husband ceo!jungkook x ceo!reader, actor!taehyung x ceo!reader

genre/AU: angst, smut, fluff, loverstoexesto ?, coworkers2?, unrequited love

Word count: 4.5k

Warnings: oc and jk are both 30, Taehyung is 32, swearing, fighting, confrontation, tornado of emotions, mentions of alcohol consumption, mentions of sexism in the media and business world, public shaming (both direct and indirect), morally grey characters, mentions of toxic relationships, mentions of abandonment issues, mentions of therapy, attempts to self-regulate but reader is pissed, mentions of self-blame though oc knows its not entirely her fault, mentions of defamation charges, JK is just 🤬 while KTH is 😇

playlist: Unkiss Me, Apologize, Hate That I Love You, etc.

a/n: Woah okay....so had I fun writing this, even though it took me a hella long time to decide whether to continue the story as a series or not 🫣 Anyway I altered the summary slightly from chapter one (and updated for consistency purposes), but it doesn't change my overall plans! As you read this chapter, I hope you will be able to see my vision (I'm nervous af! haha)! Enjoy 🥰 (edited but pls forgive me for any oversights...my typos are ridiculous)

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You’re seated in a wide sofa chair, surrounded by four blank walls, and the gentle sound of water tricking from a faux rock waterfall. Every element of the space is carefully integrated as a means to calm you. Yet it doesn't calm you in the slightest. Your hands are clammy. Muscles tense with the adrenaline spiking through your veins. It doesn’t help that you’ve been running on nothing but black coffee all week either, refusing to eat until the first promo shoot with your company’s new endorser was launched.

A natural in front of the camera, Kim Taehyung was able to speed the process up, yet it didn’t stop the massive dark circles from forming under your eyes. This morning, he'd told you they were unnoticeable but you've seen how you look in the mirror, and they're anything but unnoticeable. Still, you find his gesture to soothe sweet. Thankfully, your new partnership has been smooth sailing which is quite a blessing considering the disaster he nearly walked into.

Yes. You’re referring to that disaster in particular. When, in some desperate last-minute attempt for validation, you threw yourself into the arms of your ex-husband.

More like fixed the collar of his shirt and whoops, slid right on his dick…again.

What is wrong with you?

You’ve been asking yourself the question far too many times. You’d think being a hot-shot CEO of a million-dollar tech company would make you like titanium, resilient as finely pounded steel but no; you're just barely keeping yourself together. You regret your rash decision that day, you regret ever marrying Jeon Jungkook, and you regret ever giving in to your stupid feelings.

That’s why you’re here now, waiting in the office of your therapist’s private practice, hands restless in your lap. You’ve been seeing Melody for just over two months since your divorce was finalized, ready to move on; trying to, more like.

‘JeonX CEO Jeon Jungkook’s ex-wife compensated $1.8 billion in divorce’

‘South Korea’s Golden It couple split with ex-wife taking half the company revenue’

These are the lovely words that greet you from your phone screen.

You have the urge to grab your special red ballpoint pen from your bag and scribble out the entire paragraph, except it’s not a printed gossip magazine— it’s a newspaper column on the internet. Instead, you close out the pesky tab on your phone and reply to its sender.

Chim 🐥: can you believe this crap they’re saying about you?! It's no shit you were given a hefty divorce settlement. You brought in half the income! They’re making you look like some kind of gold digger. I swear if I ever lay my eyes on that pretty ex-husband of yours, I will end him! 😡 [sent at 5:06 pm]

Park Jimin, your childhood best friend, sends you a follow-up text when you don’t immediately reply to the news articles he forwarded over. He’s been extremely overprotective of you lately and especially pissed at how the media’s been portraying you, while Jungkook is seemingly getting a free ride. He’s always had an axe to grind with your ex-husband, to be honest, the divorce gives him only more reason to hate him.

You: Thanks for your concern Chim, but nothing they say surprises me anymore. If you don’t mind, can you stop sending these to me? [sent at 5:12 pm]

You hope your message doesn’t read as cold or dismissive. Jimin’s concern for you is a light in a dark place, but you don’t really want to be reminded of the amount of slandering articles still targeted towards you.

Gone are the days when the public saw you as a powerful woman in business, the one to watch, or the CEO of the fastest-growing startup in the last ten years. You're now simply Jeon Jungkook’s conniving ex-wife; as if you’ve merely seduced him for his money and ran when the going was good.

Of course, the whole situation is skewed to his side; half the world is in love with him after all, and that includes the few lingering reporters who've been practically salivating three feet from you at any given chance, hoping to get an exclusive “inside look”. Your marriage was a sham, you wanted to scream, a mutual business transaction.

Too bad rather than an increase in status, resources, and market share, you gained a pile of twisted, unwarranted emotions and regrets.

“I apologize for the wait Ms. __."

The door swings open as your therapist rushes into the room. She stops at her desk to retrieve last week’s session notes, then takes a seat in the chair adjacent to you with crossed legs.

“It’s okay,” you assure, straightening your posture. “I understand how crazy busy the day can get. It wasn't a long wait anyway."

Melody gives a small smile and jots a few words on her notepad. “Thank you for understanding. How are you doing this week?”

You take a deep breath. "Tired," you respond, "especially this week at work. It's like as soon as I wrap up one project, there's another jumping out from nowhere." You used to be ahead of the game. Now you're barely surviving.

"That's right," she hums. "Last week you mentioned having to attend a charity gala soon. Would you like to start there today?"

Crap, you're suddenly reminded that you have to pick up your gown by 7 pm tonight. You entertained the idea of not going to the gala at all, but that would do you no favors in the end. Given your situation, you can't skip out on such an important charity event.

"Sure," you nod. "The Winter Gala's tomorrow night, actually. It's funny how I used to look forward to it every year, being an opportunity to network and catch up with my peers. I can't say I feel the same thrill this time around."

"Because of the divorce you mean?"

"Exactly. Being the CEO of one of the largest software corporations in the world, my ex-husband's influence far exceeds my own. So whether out of loyalty or political agenda, anyone who's anyone will be on his side of the room. I'm gonna end up being that one awkward person in the corner in a far too expensive Dior gown who no one wants to dance with." You nervously chuckle out the last sentence.

Melody opens her mouth to respond, yet stops when she notices you're not quite finished.

"It'll be the first time seeing my ex-husband after months of no contact too. I guess that's what I'm looking forward to the least."

When you think about it, the most you've seen of Jungkook is his face appearing on the massive screens downtown. He's been featured in at least a dozen interviews lately, teasing a brand-new product his company's planning to release in the spring. Seems he's doing well.

"What you feel is valid Ms. __." Melody seeks to assure you. "In the past, you used to go to these events with Jungkook right? He provided you with a sense of safety, as you did for him, no doubt. I wonder if it's a lack of consistency and belonging that worries you, more than it is about seeing your ex-husband and your peers. Companionship too, of course."

"I suppose that makes sense, but it never used to be this way." Your voice raises to match your sudden argumentativeness. "I used to be very comfortable in my own skin. I used to be confident going to these events alone, long before Jungkook came into the picture."

You pause to take a breath before continuing.

"When Jungkook became CEO of his family's software company, JeonX, he was steps away from being bought out by both our competitors, so a partnership was proposed. We married at 27 as nothing more than two ambitious, rising leaders in business. Neither of us was after love or romance when our careers were at stake."

"But then that changed for you," your therapist carefully observes. "Combined, you both held the largest share of the tech market. You and Jungkook were also in an extremely intimate relationship, yet treated it as a business contract. Unfortunately, those don't always come out clean in the wash. It appears to me that while you gave him three honest years of your life, he stole those three years from you."

The words take a moment to sink in; Jungkook stole three years from you. It conflicts with what you want to believe, though from the bottom of your heart, you know she's right.

"I feel so...guilty. I hate that I fell for him, and I hate that I'm struggling this much to let him go." As you tear up, Melody hands you a tissue from the side table with an empathetic gaze. You mouth a thank you and gently dab your eyes with the soft fabric.

"I'd give yourself some grace Ms. __. But if I may ask, what about Jungkook?" she gently probes. "Do you think he feels the same?"

"No...," you say with remorse, shaking your head. "He's moved on."

Melody remains silent for as long as you need in the moments following, cautious to follow your lead. The last thing a therapist should do is rush their patient through the session, so she sits patiently and waits for your go.

"Sorry," you finally say. "We should continue."

"No need for apologies," she replies. "Take your time."

It takes a good minute or two longer of sitting in your car before you can fully compose yourself. As usual, your session with Melody was intense and insightful, but it was far too short. You're gripping the wheel with both hands when her final words of the session echo through your head: "Give yourself some grace; blaming yourself won't do any good."

Seemingly simple advice, yet tough to follow when you constantly feel responsible for the mess you're in. Yes, even though Jungkook has the bigger end of the stick, you made your share of mistakes too. You should have looked into other options when you found out your competitors were looking to buy out JeonX instead of eloping with their CEO.

Just what were you thinking __? you harshly scold yourself. You were trying to protect your company. You both were. Too bad you placed the cart in front of the horse.

Forcing yourself to take a slow, deep breath, your eyes widen in alarm when you catch the time on the clock— 6:38 pm. Fuck! The boutique that's holding your gown for tomorrow's gala is closing in twenty minutes. Without a moment to spare, you yank the seatbelt and slam your foot on the gas.

"Good evening Ms. __." A young woman, fitted in a black pencil skirt and white blouse, greets you with a faint bow as soon as you step foot into the posh boutique.

"Hello, Hana," you refer to the young lady by name with a smile. "I'm terribly sorry to be coming in this late. I came by to pick up the gown I sent in for alterations two weeks ago. The event's tomorrow and I know the shop will be closed for the day."

Knowing the exact dress you're referring to, Hana responds with a soft tone, "Please don't worry Ms. __. We have the gown ready." She disappears to the back of the shop to retrieve it.

As you wait, your mind drifts to memories of last year's gala. You had worn a vibrant, gold gown that evening, slightly risky with a low neckline. Jungkook liked it though, as he wore a matching gold vest himself. You can imagine how crazy the press went when you both set foot on the scene, arms linked and appearing to have coordinated your attire perfectly.

Every investor at the gig wanted to be your friend that night, anxiously pushing through the crowds to speak to you. One of them nearly split your dress in two, as he had accidentally stepped on your gown after one too many drinks. You recall Jungkook scolding the man before turning his full attention to you, making sure you were alright. You consider this to be the first time you truly started looking at him as your husband, a feeling of warmth blooming inside you.

How foolish you were to let that feeling grow.

You're attending the gala alone this year, without him.

Possessing no desire to call attention to yourself this year, you've chosen a rich, navy blue gown instead. It's subtle yet sophisticated. Made out of the finest silk, its silhouette is sleek and falls straight down to the floor without any extravagant frills. The neckline is simple too, paired with a tasteful open back. There are no flashy accessories or embellishments, just a straightforward, classic design. You find the gown beautifully elegant, and nowhere near as bold as your previous one.

"Here it is Ms. __," Hana chips from afar, her heels clacking against the polished floor tiles. In her hand is a generously sized garment bag, your dress flowing underneath.

"Thank you so much, Hana," you say, taking the gown from her hand. "Again, I'm sorry for my tardiness picking this up. I hope you have a wonderful night."

You leave the boutique, the sun having already set.

The Winter Gala takes place on the top floor of Seoul's most luxurious hotel, specifically in its grand ballroom. The walls are adorned with gold trim, and its floors are elegantly lined with polished black marble. Above, a magnificent glass chandelier glimmers, catching the moonlight filtering through the surrounding glass windows.

Despite being a private event, the gala attracts a whole slew of press and locals who eagerly gather on either side of the hotel's front doors, treating it as a prime spot for viewing the red carpet.

Physically, you're ready; dressed to the nines, and makeup done just right. Mentally, you're absent; secretly sipping a margarita at the end of the earth, wherever that is. The day finally comes for you to make an appearance at the Annual Winter Gala and it's clear, you're not prepared in the slightest.

Your nerves consume you as you sit in the backseat of your limousine. You protested against being dropped off at the front entrance. Hell, you hadn't even wanted to arrive in a limo. However, your PR team insisted you be seen arriving, happy to be supporting a charitable event for the eighth year in a row.

Reluctantly, you complied.

Chim 🐥: I wish I could be there with you tonight 😞 No matter what, don't let those snobs get into your head. You look stunning and you have nothing to be ashamed of! [sent at 6:23 pm]

"Thank you, love," you whisper to aloud upon reading your best friend's endearing message. Before you can craft a reply, your door is flung open, with harsh flashes of cameras blinding you. When you step out of the limo, you hear a mix of passionate cheering and interrogative remarks.

"Ms. __, could you share with us your experience of attending the gala without Jeon Jungkook by your side for the first time?"

"Ms. __, it's unexpected to see you here this year, especially considering your recent separation from your ex-husband, who is also on the guest list!"

"Ms. __, how do you plan to navigate the evening's festivities without the familiar presence of your former partner?"

Just keep walking __. If you can just get inside the building and tune out the noise, you'll be fine. You coach yourself with every step, but make little progress with the amount of discomfort only skyrocketing. Your photos are being taken, and questions barrage you from all angles. To top it off, you feel a strong migraine coming on and oh fuck— is that the devil now?

You don't have to glance back to guess the sudden increase in cheering is due to the arrival of another hot A-lister. It has to be Jungkook with a new woman by his side. You think he wouldn't bring a date to an event like this, even if she were a hire? You'd be horribly mistaken.

You fight against the urge to turn around and confirm if your suspicions are true.

"__!" a voice calls out, which you ignore.

But wait a minute.

You stop in your tracks—that's not Jungkook's voice at all; it’s far too raspy.

Peeking over your shoulder, your jaw falls open as you see Kim Taehyung steps behind you wearing a boxy grin on his face. He's dressed to the hills with a shiny maroon, Louis Vuitton suit hugging his slim waist. Quite handsome, per usual, but what is he doing here?

Taking the initiative, Taehyung strides next to you and waves to the crowd charismatically. “My movie shoot wrapped up early so I thought I’d swing by and see what all the excitement’s about,” he says.

You observe how easy it is for him to appease the crowd, a skill you’re still working to sharpen.

“Tae-” you begin.

He then turns to you and looks straight into your eyes. You shiver at from the sudden intensity.

“I got an invitation too, and the gala happens to support a cause that I find close to my heart.” His voice lowers for the next part, allowing only your ears to hear. “I also didn’t want you having to be alone this evening, __. I hope I didn’t overstep my boundaries.”

Taehyung’s words manage to coax you away from your previously frazzled state, comforting you as the chaos quiets around you.

“Thank you, Taehyung. You didn’t, don’t worry,” you reply, giving a tight-lipped smile. “It’s actually a good thing you came since you’re basically the second face of my company after all.”

“I’m happy to hear that. We’ve been working so well together recently, and I don’t want to ruin it. May I?” He offers you an arm.

“You may.” You slip your arm into his and continue towards the hotel entrance. You admit you’re glad to see him.

With Taehyung nearby, your apprehensions of the night start to subside. He’s not always beside you, slipping away to mingle often, yet his mere presence relaxes you. You haven’t even thought about Jungkook to be honest. Well, maybe a little bit.

You take a sip of the drink in your hand and casually scan the ballroom until bingo, you spot your ex-husband by the bar in the middle of half a dozen people. Figures he’s the center of attention, effortlessly tethering people to himself. Jungkook loves the spotlight, and the spotlight loves him. As you continue watching him from across the room, a whirlwind of conflicting emotions swirls within you; longing, sorrow, anger. You haven't seen him in over two months, it feels surreal.

Memories of your time together come flooding back all at once—both the good and the bad, yet mostly bad. It's strange how someone you were once so close to can suddenly feel like a stranger. You allow your gaze to linger a moment longer, curious to conclude a date is nowhere in sight. Perhaps you’re mistaken and they’ve merely slipped away for a second. You’re positive he would’ve brought someone.

Bitterly, you gulp down another sip of your drink. When you place your glass down, you nearly choke at the sight of Jungkook's dark eyes burning holes at you. You avert your gaze immediately, silently begging that he didn’t just witness you staring at him and take it as an unsolicited invitation to come over.

“So,” a provocative voice unexpectedly slides next to you. “Looks like you just traded one bachelor for the next __. I’m shocked to see you’ve shown up to our little soirée.”

Oh god, you roll your eyes, recognizing the owner of the slithery voice like the back of your hand. You do not have the stamina for this tonight.

“Kathy," you greet with the fakest, yet sweetest smile possible. "Nice seeing you again. I haven't seen you since last year. How's the baby?"

"Oh please," she scoffs. "Don't try to deflect, sweetie. We both know it's you who is of far more... intrigue. If you understand my gist."

You want to hurl at this woman's condescending tone. Nothing gets under your skin more than someone your age calling you sweetie. It's not endearing in the slightest, especially when it's Kathy Lee, Director of CommaTen. You despise each other, likely because you both hit it big in the industry at a young age. Meeting someone who reminds you so closely of yourself isn't always a blessing.

“Anyway, as I was saying," she continues, brushing her hair behind an ear. "I have quite the bone to pick with you about stealing that actor from me. Kim Taehyung was mine first, you know."

Hers? She speaks as if a person can be owned. You won't lie, you're surprised Taehyung agreed to partner with you at a time when most of Seoul's elites have turned against you. You're naive to assume that his support wouldn't backfire on his reputation. On the other hand, he's been your endorser for two months now and his following remains fully intact.

“To be frank, I didn't know the two of you were talking business at all," you respond to the accusations with composure, though burning up inside. "But of course, he's free to make his own decisions, can't he? Whatever the reason, something must have enticed him."

“You—" Offended by your insinuation that your offer was better than hers, Kathy doesn't stop what comes next. "We both know the only reason why Kim Taehyung's with you is because Jungkook left you! And you need the extra publicity, isn't that right?"

Fuck. Well, now you're really fucking embarrassed because, at that moment, everyone in the room shifts their attention your way. A pin drop could be heard in the entire ballroom since even the live band ceased their playing.

This is why you didn't want to come. Your fingers fumble with the fabric of your gown.

“Don't act like you're above me just because your company might be worth more than mine, __. We'll catch up with you soon," Kathy spits her final words before spinning around and triumphantly walking away.

Don't cry, you tell yourself. Everyone's staring at you; the press, your peers, Jungkook, and Taehyung. Don't you dare cry.

As the murmurs of conversation gradually resume around you, you force yourself to take a deep, steadying breath. Kathy's words were nothing but a feeble attempt to save her own face. Besides, what company doesn't have at least one endorser?

"Are you alright?" Taehyung's low, gentle voice catches your attention as he swiftly returns to your side, no doubt influenced after witnessing Kathy's verbal jab.

You manage a tight-lipped smile, nodding faintly as you attempt to push back the overwhelming wave of humiliation. "I will be," you reply, though the words feel hollow even to your own ears.

His gaze lingers on you for a moment longer, a silent understanding passing between you.

"I hope you don't take her words to heart, __," he mutters. "I chose to become your partner because I genuinely believe in your product. I'm selective about who I support, so please trust me when I say it wasn't because of material gain or pity."

You're on the verge of responding to his reassurance when you catch sight of your ex-husband from the corner of your eye, striding his way over to you for the first time tonight. His expression is unreadable, so you brace yourself, unsure of what to expect.

"__," he starts, his voice low but carrying an unmistakable urgency. "Can we talk?"

You and Taehyung share a quick glance before you follow Jungkook out of the ballroom, seeking privacy.

As soon as you're out of earshot, Jungkook turns to you, his features softened by a hint of concern. "Hey," he starts. "I meant to get over to you sooner but got tied up. You know how it is."

"Yeah, I know," you respond, though you'd rather he didn't come over at all, especially after being dragged into the spotlight in front of all your peers and colleagues.

The two of you share an unsettling silence before he speaks again.

"You-You look good." He allows his eyes to rake up and down your body, causing you to cross your arms in discomfort. There was a time when his gaze brought a flutter of excitement, but now, you're not so sure it brings you the same pleasure.

"I'm sorry for what happened in there," he says. "You okay?"

"What?" you repeat, your eyes wide with surprise, stunned by his unexpected apology. "Am I okay?"

Where was this concern when he handed you the divorce papers nine months ago? Or when he willingly took advantage of your vulnerability that time in your office, only to disappear afterward, as if he hadn't just torn your heart out of your chest? You clench your fists, trying to contain the rising temperature of your anger.

"Yeah, about what she said about you," he clarifies. "It was uncalled for, and I feel horrible about it." He reaches out to touch you, but you instinctively step back, as if his touch would scorch you.

"Please, don't," you sigh, a trace of weariness in your voice. "It's fine."

"I'm serious __, I can have her charged with defamation for that. It wouldn't take much!" His insistence is unwavering, and it strikes your last nerve.

"You don't need to fight my battles for me, Jungkook," you suddenly snap, voice stern. "I'm not completely helpless now that you've divorced me!"

Jungkook's expression darkens, regret flickering in his eyes. "I'm not saying you are. I'm just trying to help."

"Help?" you repeat, doubtful. "How do you think that's going to look for me in the media? Jeon Jungkook slaps another high society member with a defamation charge for ex-wife. Thanks, but no thanks. I get enough of that as is."

He sighs, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "I know they've been difficult on you recentl—"

"Difficult?" you interject, your anger bubbling to the surface. "In case you haven't noticed my face is on every gossip magazine, billboard, press release, and anything else they can use to scorn me with. It's unbearable, especially since I still have a business to run."

Jungkook winces, clearly stung by your words. "Then let me help. I'll get them removed for you. I still care about you, __."

You scoff. "You care about me? Is that why you made me sign our divorce papers three months after you found out I wanted more than a fake marriage?"

His jaw clenches, gaze dropping to the floor guiltily. "It's not like that, __. I'm not trying to be an avoidant asshole. I want you to-"

"Find someone else. Yeah, I got it," you mutter bitterly, feeling a fresh wave of hurt wash over you.

"I'm sorry, __. I am."

You stare at him, torn between resentment and a lingering ache for the connection you once shared. Now, he's apologizing?

"So am I," you say, slowly backing away from him. "You don't have to do anything, Jungkook. I'm fine."

You then turn on your heels to return to the ballroom where Taehyung still waits for you, leaving your ex-husband standing in the hallway, alone.

a/n: A much-needed confrontation between oc and jk eh? But... *laughs evilly*..this is not the end...LMK what you think! 🤔🤍

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[saintslaughter-a]

anyways snickerdoodle my beloved.

#mun;; #tbd;; #looks like my BEAN #if they so much as even THINK about hurting him i want my money back and compensation for the emotional trauma #you WILL give me my 100 dollars back and more. #hes just a little guy you cant hurt him #anyways. time for the daily 'design new boss' attempt.

[classicslesbianopinions]

in ovid's metamorphoses he describes an argument between jupiter and juno where they debate whether men or women experience more sexual pleasure. jupiter says women do; juno says men do. obviously this is a weird fucked up they-ought-to-be-divorced sort of couple dynamic but anyway then they bring in tiresias, a man who apparently was once transformed into a woman and then back into a man seven years later, to be the judge. tiresias says women have more fun during sex and juno takes away his eyesight for disagreeing with her and then jupiter gives him the gift of prophecy to compensate. but that's just one person's opinion. so:

no see results. if you're not trans/haven't gone on hormones/don't have sex come back in a week. i also am not on hormones and will not be answering or seeing the results until the poll is over. (if you used to be on hormones and aren't anymore feel free to answer for how you felt while you were on hormones.)

feel free to put any nuances in the replies or reblogs or tags--but also no one is obligated to share details of their transition unless they want to and feel comfortable doing so.

disclaimer also that i personally do not equate a person's hormones or sex characteristics with their gender identity--i use "man" and "woman" for tiresias because it's the language ovid uses but of course gender is way more nuanced than that. i use "transmasc" and "transfem" as umbrella terms but recognize that they might not apply to everyone.

my hypothesis is that people who choose to go on hormones/have surgery will have more sexual pleasure on hormones/after surgery because they are having an experience that better aligns with their gender. and please don't feel like you need to separate out the physical experience from the emotional--both physical and emotional pleasure are relevant to whether or not an orgasm is good.

uhh and i promise no gods will blind you as a result of this poll.

#mod felix #oh also i know there are a lot of different types of bottom surgeries etc but i can't specify every single one in a tumblr poll #ALSO ALSO i should say this is by no means meant to represent every possibility it is just a list of common circumstances #i assume if you were doing a real study you would do it very differently but this is a passing curiosity turned into a tumblr poll

[primaviva]

PAIRING: gwen stacy x fem!reader

SYNOPSIS: gwen couldn't sleep, her thoughts of you keeping her up all night. despite the snowy weather, you woke up from your sleep, exhausted and annoyed by notification that kept repeating on your phone. your expression drops when you see a text from gwen. “can i come over?”

WARNINGS: small angst, established relationship, mention of relationship problems, just fluff !!

a vibration from under your pillow is what woke you up to the chaos going on beyond your room. it has to be notification from your phone.

the snowstorm raged outside, its fury evident in the howling winds and the relentless cascade of snowflakes. as you rubbed your eyes to make sense of the blurry scenery, you watched as your block transformed into a winter wonderland, blanketed in a pristine layer of white. but instead of finding solace in the ethereal beauty of the season, you felt an undeniable restlessness that was practically gnawing at your soul. it just wasn’t the vibe it usually was. the type of feeling you’d get scrolling on pinterest and finding a picture of a window at night with stormy weather that exuded this cozy aura to it that held this perfect sense of home and ease. the type of feeling when you go to your winter playlist and play all the slow songs that just key you rock and sway while the rain outside was one fat water drop away from causing a power outage and having to wait several hours for con edison to restore it. con ed ain’t shit anyway.

the point is that yeah, these moments still and some ‘flaws’ like the aftermath of the bad weather and storms, but it brought a sense of peace. happiness, even.

to you, this moment should have been peaceful, little escape from reality, like waking up in the middle of a rainstorm and watching the rain drip down your window while you enjoy a quiet night of binging youtube videos. but for whatever reason, peace seemed impossible. everything about this moment felt wrong. something that should have been soothing and familiar was now strange and unnerving.

as the snowflakes gracefully twirled in the frigid air, your thoughts turned to gwen. the vibrant connection between you both now felt dimmed, entangled in a web of misunderstandings and unspoken words, leaving you adrift in uncertainty. the storm, relentless in its intensity, mirrored the emotions swirling within you. a mix of rage, destruction, and a sense of loss consumed you, propelling you aimlessly forward, seeking something to anchor yourself to. all these emotions were directed towards her.

lately, it seemed as though gwen had become absorbed in her own world. it wasn't just about her being spiderwoman anymore; it was everything about her that pulled her in different directions, inadvertently distancing herself from you. you guessed that the spark you had gradually lost its vitality, and what once felt so alive turned into bittersweet memories of her being replayed in your mind. disappointment lingered in the thoughts of her you had, the remnants of what could’ve been. what still can be.

it’s not like she didn’t try to be more present, it’s just that she simplified it so much that it seemed she didn’t take into account how you would feel. if she was late to a date because of her responsibilities? fine. but to not be able to swallow your pride and take accountability that you couldn’t make it on time and leave your loved one waiting in the cold? nah, not fine at all.

she never wanted to acknowledge her own flaws, instead choosing to blame them for her own wrongdoings. it was a confusing mess you couldn’t wrap your head around. you understood that she had a lot going on in her life, and it could be stressful for her. still, you didn't want her to simply say that she was there and expect everything to be fine. you didn't want her to compensate for her absences with thoughtless gifts.

you wanted action, heart, and risk. you needed her to say she’d just try and be real with you, not just for the sake of the relationship but because you both deserved it.

wrapped in a soft, cozy blanket, you felt the warmth against your body as the temperature gradually dropped in your room due to the light snowfall outside. you knew it was late without even checking the time. if you fall asleep and wake up later you’re bound to be met with an hour that’s after 12:00 am. it happens every time.

“ay, i need to get a grip on my sleep schedule before my eyes get more sunk than the titanic,” you muttered to yourself, voice groggy as you start to wake up.

it hits you as to why you woke up in the first place, your phone. you always slept with it under your bed, fearing that your crazy and overbearing guardian would try checking it at night. you wouldn't dare stop them, but at least you could lessen the chances because they can’t find it or come up with reasons why they shouldn't go through your messages. you let out a deep sigh as you sit yourself up and reach for your phone under the pillow. the screen illuminated, revealing the shocking hour of 3:00 am.

“oooh witching hour,” you mocked, but couldn't help but feel surprised at how late it was.

however, your brows quickly furrowed as you noticed a text notification from five minutes ago. it was gwen. with a tinge of reluctance on whether or not you should answer or get some sleep, you unlocked your phone and opened the message, your curiosity getting the better of you.

my gwen 🤍 : can i come over? i need to see you and i’m not sure it can wait sent at 2:55

gwen? at this hour? you squinted your eyes at the blue light as confusion swept over you at the unexpected request. you were tired. not just because you woke up in the middle of the night but because you were too exhausted to deal with this relationship bullshit right now. it seemed no matter what, nothing ever changed between the two of you. but for whatever it was worth, you responded with something quick and simple.

you : yeah ofc

you : windows open for you sent at 3:02

you put your phone on your bedside table before throwing myself back onto the pillow, patiently awaiting gwen's arrival. her tone sounded so urgent but also a little needy. desperate, almost. it made you wonder why she needed to see you at this time. what could’ve possibly drove her to this?

“hope she gets here good with all that damn snow,” you whispered to yourself while you laid your blanket back on.

raising your head, you perked up at the sound of knocking against the glass. sure enough, gwen gracefully jumps through your window and crawls inside. she was definitely annoyed about something, but it wasn't clear what or who caused it and how. in the moonlight, her blonde hair and blue eyes seemed to shimmer. her cheeks were flushed, and you noticed her slightly shivering.

as she landed on the floor, her shoes left small droplets of water and continued to drip from her jacket. she was dressed in a black turtleneck, a leather jacket, jeans, and pink converse sneakers. seeing her at her full height, gwen looked down at you with weary eyes.

"gwen," you called out, taking a few steps toward her. “everything good? i mean, what’s up with you?”

you got a little anxious as your mind raced with every possible reason as to why she came to see you. especially since she got all dressed and swung over here, not even in her suit. it was dark out and the streets were empty but it still felt risky, too risky.

closing the distance between you, you wrapped your arms around her neck, pulling the tall girl down to your height for a hug. your breath caught at the stark contrast in body temperature as the warmth radiating from your body met her chilled skin and wet clothes, which had caught small snowflakes. you felt her cautiously nuzzle her face into the crook of your neck, and a sheepish smile formed against your skin, as the warmth you offered started to bring some heat back to gwen's body.

gwen looked down at you, her eyes still glowing against the snowy backdrop. she slowly put her hands on your shoulders and pulled away quickly to stare into your eyes. her cheeks were still all pink and frigid, and she still shivered with every breath.

"you sure? it's three in the morning and you just crawled through my window lookin’ like a hot unhinged mess,” you teased. "it seemed urgent tho. you even came all the way here without your suit, gwen. that shits risky even for you," you added.

your whole body tingled as her chilly hands wrapped around your waist, drawing you in for a hug. god, she looked absolutely breathtaking in this moment. so effortlessly alluring, so damn attractive, and clearly too into you for her own good. the way her eyes lazily met yours, and her short hair accentuated by the edgy shaved undercut made her glow, made your heart race with excitement.

she was quiet, still looking at you. gwen seemed to be thinking over your words. something was definitely on her mind. she finally took a deep breath, and you could see her exhale a white mist. gwen sighed, turning her head away slightly as if she finally made the decision she was debating over.

biting her lip, she mustered the courage to speak, her voice a little shaky. "okay, i admit it's a bit risky, but i just... really, really wanted to see you." her gaze returned to meet yours, her eyes searching for understanding. "i'm here now, so can't i just stay for a little while?"

her tone shifted playfully, yet her grip on your hands remained firm. there was still a lingering sense of disconnection in the air, as if an undisclosed barrier stood between you both. gwen's presence alone was just straight up weird, and it was apparent that her mind was somewhere else. whatever it was, it seemed like she wanted to talk about it. your eyes drifted towards her slightly wet jacket. there was something hidden under it. something large, a bit bulky.

"of course, you can stay, it's just…”

you tried to speak, but the words weren’t coming to you.

you haven't seen gwen in a while. you felt so detached from her life. you heard nothing about her dad, her life, just anything. gwen always says that she's good, just fine. but every time you both talk now, it feels artificial, like small talk you do in group work with a classmate to get some social points.

the last time you truly connected on a deep emotional level was during that intense screaming match you had with her. she had been so consumed by her work as spiderwoman that she stopped talking and even seeing you for a while. it’s not like she meant to do it but you felt neglected. how else were you supposed to feel? in an attempt to apologize, she gave you flowers, and you let them wilt and die. it was symbolic almost, like a statement to her that you didn't want to be bought off with materialistic things. gwen was more than pissed at the time, thinking you were just acting petty and catching an attitude just to spite her. but you didn’t care. you didn't want her to compensate, all you truly wanted was her. you weren't interested in the clichés of romance movies with roses, love poems, and extravagantly corny displays. what mattered most in your eyes was a real, meaningful bond between the two of you.

since then, it felt as if you two had been on a break. but in the ‘freedom’ of not seeing her as often as you’d liked, it just made you realize how much you missed gwen in her absence. you missed her in every sense of the word. you missed her anger, her pain, her happiness, her love, and just the full spectrum of her being. wishing on you both just felt like false hope, and you just wanted to go back to before whatever started this rift and prevent it. maybe then your relationship wouldn't be so stagnant.

"nevermind. yes, you can stay. i don't know what i was gonna say... i'm sorry,” you hastily interjected.

gwen slowly nods as you speak. you didn’t know it for sure, but she really did miss you. she missed having these intimate moments with you. she missed you touching her and saying her name. she missed the time you spent with her before she was the woman behind the mask, open and vulnerable for you.

"i uh actually want to show you something," she mumbles and takes a step back to reveal something poking out her jacket's pocket.

"you have something for me? actually?" you asked, in shock.

though it sounded nice, you’re not sure that's what you wanted from her. you didn't want gifts, or apologies, you wanted action. you want her to tell me that she'll love you even better than before the fights and she wants to be with you. but you know gwen, and you know that's a big ask. she's not the most vocal about her feelings, that's just how she is.

you peered curiously at her, eyes drifting towards her hands as she reached inside and grabbed the hidden object in her hand before offering it to you. it was a small gift wrapped in a pink ribbon. without breaking eye contact, she hands it over.

"yeah, but it's nothing important- it is a little important! but um… it's just simple but it means something to me," she says, her eyes now leaving yours. her voice sounds more genuine now. maybe she realized there was no need to be so secretive around you.

"not important? if it's not important, why did you risk your whole identity just to pull up at my window in the middle of the night?” you questioned, voice stern.

even now, gwen still felt so closed off. she had her guard up, and it's not like you couldn't shame her for not being open, but why? why was acting this way? was she that scared to be vulnerable?

looking at the box, you were surprised that gwen did all of this. it seemed so organized and thought out. you didn't anticipate her ability to tie a ribbon so skillfully or make the box look so adorably appealing. you took the gift in my hand, before delicately loosening the ribbon and gingerly lifting the lid.

you couldn't imagine why gwen would do all of this. her eyes dart between your face and the box, anxious to see your reaction.

the box was smaller than what it looked like from afar. as you took off the top cover of the gift, inside revealed itself to be a heart-shaped locket. its exterior frame was fashioned silver while its interior was luxuriously lined with pink silk.

with a soft smile, gwen points at the picture inside of it.

"it's...it's us!" you exclaimed, realizing the significance of the image. tenderly, you lifted the locket from the box, placing the container gently on your bed. running your thumb across the smooth silver surface, you savored the tactile sensation beneath your skin.

as you gazed deeper into the photo, your eyes welled up with an overwhelming emotion. it was a snapshot of a cherished memory the night of your first date with gwen. you both had ventured to a cozy pizza place and leisurely wandered through the neighboring stores. among them was a music shack adorned with vinyl records and musical instruments. you vividly recalled how you were captivated by an album from your favorite band, and gwen, in a beautiful gesture, had purchased it for you on the spot. the memory continued to play in your mind, the walk back home, with gwen carrying all the bags, and the tender, innocent kiss you placed on her cheek. gwen had always possessed an enchanting charm that endured even to this day.

"i love it, gwen!" you exclaimed, looking up at her with a tender smile, while delicately wiping away a tear that traced down your cheek.

gwen let out a sigh of relief, her smile softening. "really? you do? i'm glad you like it," she whispered, her voice quivering slightly as she reached out and gently clasped your hand.

she didn't know what you'd think of the gift. part of you felt a little strange, even though this type of gift wasn’t odd it was just weird to you how much the locket touched your heart. maybe it's the meaning of it, a memory of a time when things between you and gwen flourished.

gwen's gaze shifted to the locket, and she was transported back to that magical night as if it had occurred just yesterday. every detail remained etched in her memory— the captivating scent of your hair, the warmth of your smile, how beautiful you looked.

"i remember when we walked home that night,” she murmured, her voice tinged with nostalgia.

gwen takes a step closer. it seems like she wants to say something, but she chooses to stay quiet. she still looked wet and chilly, but your eyes were drawn to her lips and she leaned just close enough that you could kiss her if you so desired.

you found yourself fixated on her lips, the allure and temptation becoming almost irresistible. the desire to feel the warmth of her mouth against yours, to experience the tenderness and intimacy it promised, was overwhelming.

but then your eyes shifted up to gwen's tired gaze. her eyes looked sunken and dark, like she hadn't been getting any sleep. you could tell she was losing sleep over you, over your relationship. she stayed up, wondering how to make things better. that's why she gave you that locket, as a way to hold onto the good times and try to fix the mess she had created between you.

the memories haunted gwen, particularly the occasion when her duties as spiderwoman had caused her to arrive late to your birthday celebration. she saw you talking and laughing with everyone else while she sat in the corner, feeling unworthy of your attention. she said sorry, but her apologies were laced with excuses. she'll never forget the look of anger on your face when you expressed how your friends had questioned her absence, making them doubt your relationship with her even more.

but there were also those moments that made her heart soar. like that september night when she broke down and told you everything, her secrets, her regrets, and you held her tight. or the times when you were just together, enjoying the beauty of nature, and she couldn't take her eyes off you, especially when you laughed at her jokes. being with you, your company, your comfort, it made her realize that she was undeniably in love with you.

"gwen," you called out, breaking free from your reverie. "you look exhausted. why did you really come here? i know there's more you want to say, and i won't push you, but please... talk to me for once.”

gwen's eyes widen as you call her out. she looks down at you, almost in a pleading way.

gwen's soft voice crackles a little as she speaks. “i just,” she whispers, her eyes darting to the floor. her face is flushed and her chest begins to rise and fall at a rapid pace. your words seemed to help bring her out of the fog in her thoughts. "i've just been feeling so stressed lately and i just really miss you. i just want things to go back to the way they were between us, you know? i want us to have another one of the good moments. but i feel like things are falling apart.”

you can see tears welling up in her eyes.

"gwen, talk to me," you pleaded, putting the locket down.

you just wanted her to swallow her pride and fears. no, i needed her to. you needed her to just apologize, be real and open with you, not just compensate for the guilt she feels or how she wants to make you feel better.

it was december. and as the scene unfolded with the snow and rain coming through, so did the darkness and the cold of your relationship. all you gave her was love and open arms, but it seemed all gwen gave back was goodbyes.

with a tender touch, you grasped her shoulders, gazing up at her while your own demeanor softened. "please talk, gwen."

gwen closed her eyes. she took a few deep breaths to help calm her nerves and clear her head, but that didn't help much. as she looked into your soft eyes, gwen sighed. she wanted to talk to you so badly. tell you all the things she felt about you, and tell you why she was so scared to tell you all these things. the cold breeze that blew through the window was starting to make her shiver, but she still held eye contact with you as she spoke.

"i'm just struggling so much,” gwen confessed, her voice shaky. “i feel your disappointment in me all the time. i miss the old us sometimes, when things were just so easy. i know i've been working so hard as spiderwoman, and i don't regret it… but i just want you. i want to be with you so badly and feel like i keep messing up no matter what i do.”

her gaze slowly drifted away, fixating on the ground as her fingers clutched her sleeves in an attempt to ward off the encroaching chill. the freezing cold began seeping into her veins, numbing her hands and leaving a tingling sensation.

"gwen," you mumble, taken aback by her honesty. "but why? why feel compelled to do this all now?"

to gwen, it felt like wishful thinking or a dream that gives you relief and a sense of joy as you fall deeper into sleep. it would be a dream to save this relationship. but in gwen's eyes, it feels so far and out of her reach, like everything was too late.

gwen wanted you, but she struggled. and if she could just go back, have another chance and attempt to be the perfect lover, she'd love you right.

she looked down sadly and thought about how to respond without messing up. “i don’t know,” gwen sighed as she put a hand over her mouth in frustration before continuing, “i just don't want to lose you. i want a do over. and i want you to know how much i still love you. i have so many regrets about how i've treated you in the past.”

gwen put her hands over her face, letting out a deep breath. "please, just give me another chance,” she begged.

gwen was a mess, you could tell by the way she was acting. her mind hazy, her thoughts unsure, and it seemed the only clear thing in her mind was you. all she could think of was you. she says she doesn't know why she came here so late, but that can't be true. what compels someone to leave their home in this weather and at this time. you couldn't accept that.

now, she pleads for another chance, as if the relationship has already slipped through your fingers. yes, she's hurt you in the past but it's not like she intended to. it doesn't make it right at all, but she sounds so sorrowful.

but there was a glimmer of hope because all this time, this is what you needed from her. for her to just promise herself to you, say she'll be better, say she'll try her best, say she'll love you right. you didn't want broken promises that she knows she can't always fulfill, you just wanted her to try. the effort that shows she cares for you to try and be better.

"this kept you up at night? reminiscing about another chance with me while i'm right in front of you? gwen, i've been here! i'm still your girlfriend. you can't just wish to go back to how things were and fix everything. you also can't try to replicate the past in hopes the present will feel just as perfect. that isn't realistic!"

you were frustrated more than you were angry. no matter what you always felt like gwen was so far away from your wants and needs.

"i know! but... i can't stand how things are right now," she responds with a soft but frustrated tone.

gwen looked down sadly, hands trembling as you raised your voice and spoke to her so bluntly. she took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. her voice starts to break with every word. she knew you were right— her thinking wasn't realistic. she was so caught up in herself and her regrets that she didn't realize how she was hurting you too. as much as she wanted, gwen couldn't change the past. she couldn't change the present if she just sat still and felt sorry for herself. she also couldn't create a perfect relationship.

"all we do anymore is fight... you just have no idea how much i miss you.” she admitted, voice trembling. “i miss all the hugs and the kisses and the time we used to spend together.” gwen adverted her gaze, overwhelmed by shame. “i hate who i've become. i hate that this is my life now. what happened to me?”

her statement turned more into a question. she couldn’t believe she let this happen, how she let the suit and her own problems take over your relationship.

"so, what are you gonna do about it?" you questioned, your voice carrying a stern tone.

you yearned for gwen to challenge herself. while she used to let her guard down in the past, now you only caught glimpses of what lay behind closed doors. that's just what's happening right now. she isn't telling you much, nor is she speaking much with the small information she gives. it's just a peak behind the gate to her life. you wished she would finally confide in you, or else it would all mean nothing. just like the roses, just like every other time.

gwen looks back at you with a little bit of a stunned look. as the snow comes down hard, she thinks about how you're waiting for her to say the 'magic' words. the words that will fix all your relationship's problems and make this all go away. but she was gripped by fear, unable to voice her true feelings. she gently bit her lip, struggling to hold back tears that threatened to spill.

"i'm going to make it right,” she declared, taking a hesitant step closer to you, tears welling in her eyes. she had to say something else. she didn't say she'd try, like she did last time.

her voice still trembled, her eyes glistening from the tears she was still trying to hold back. if you said this to her even a month ago, she would have gotten mad at you for implying that she hadn't been good enough for you, even if it was true. but right now, gwen was determined to be better.

she was scared, but she clung to hope.

“i'm going to love you right," gwen affirmed, her voice quivering. "i swear."

your breath hitched as she closed the distance, your bodies brushing against each other. you couldn't believe it, your mind was spinning. it was like she was a whole new person. gwen had swallowed her pride, her fears, her frustrations and dedicated herself to you.

"h-how?" you managed to choke out, still taken aback by the unexpected turn of events.

she wanted to pull out all the stops. there was a part of her that was scared of making big promises, but she couldn't think straight as you kept staring at her, anticipating what she was going to say. she was nervous about the consequences of making such promises and how much they would weigh on her, but to her, it was worth it. you made it worth it.

"i'm going to tell you the truth. i'm going to tell you how i feel, i'm going to spend more time with you and i promise, no more secrets. even when i don't have time i'll at least call you to tell you why. i'm never going to just leave you sitting in the dark ever again. i've been hurting you for so long. it's time to change that,” she promised.

it felt different, the way she wanted you to understand exactly how serious she was about this.

"i'm going to be yours.”

there was no trace of fear in her eyes, no inclination to retreat from the intimacy and close herself off once more. she stood before you, open and honest. for the first time in a long while, you truly saw her. you saw gwen.

your face heated up as you heard the words ‘be yours’ leave her lips. you felt myself get giddy again, like a little kid. this was the gwen you always knew. the gwen that was a charmer, who was able to fluster you with her raw thoughts of how beautiful you were or the simplest of wordings like calling you hers.

it felt like she was being honest, truthful. you start to tear up at her words.

“gwen,” you mumbled, your voice trembling as you rubbed your eyes.

gwen smiled as she wiped the tears away on your face. she was lost in you, for everything that you were, for everything that you still were in her heart.

"shhh, don't cry, babe. i love you, you know that, right? i love you, and i just want to be more honest with you," she spoke softly, her words a soothing balm to your heart.

it was difficult to maintain eye contact with gwen as she lovingly brushed away your tears, but you mustered the strength to gaze into her mesmerizing watercolor eyes. she had become so committed, so brave.

is that why she came, she just couldn't hold it in anymore? just the mere knowledge that your relationship was like this, she didn't have the strength to fight off waiting till the next day or whenever she planned to do this?

"i love you too, gwen... so much," you sobbed, your voice filled with sincerity.

gwen was rendered speechless for a few moments. the snow continued to fall outside, gently obscuring the windows. the world seemed hushed, still, as if you both were the only two people around.

“i’m here, all yours," she whispered, her breath mingling with yours, her eyes darting between your lips and your gaze.

before you knew it, she leaned in for a kiss. at first it was a soft kiss, but then gwen slowly parted her lips gently and let her tongue wander. her teeth met with yours and she moaned softly, kissing me with all the passion she had been holding in these months.

this kiss was everything she wanted you to know.

it was like a dream. every kiss from before was just a shadow of this moment. gwen kissed you like there was no tomorrow. like she was trying to make up for every moment gone unsaid and unshared. she just kept on kissing you, holding your neck and your hair in her hands. when she finally pulled away, her face was flushed, and her eyes sparkled with a light you hadn't seen in far too long.

gwen's heart skipped a beat. she felt butterflies in her stomach as she kissed you like this. you felt so new but so familiar at the same time. she pulled away from the kiss and let herself exhale. she couldn't believe how happy she felt in this moment. gwen was yours. and you were hers.

you wrapped your arms around her and hugged her, wanting to feel her warm embrace. just hearing her say she's here for you was so comforting. and her saying that she was all yours made your cheeks heat up. it was so reassuring.

nestling against her taller frame, tears painted wet streaks on her black turtleneck as you found solace in her comforting presence. her hands found their way around your waist, and you could feel the warmth of her touch as you pressed against her. with a soft smile, you pulled back slightly, gazing into her eyes.

"can you put it on me? the locket," you asked.

gwen's warm smile radiated affection as she gently wiped away the remaining tears. with a soft chuckle, she took the locket from your hand. "of course."

her hands settled on your waist, and she slowly spun you around until your back was pressed against her chest. the distinct click of the locket's clasp reached your ears as she held it above your head, delicately encircling your neck. a shiver cascaded down your spine as her cool breath ghosted against your neck, emphasizing the closeness between you. her fingers brushed the nape of your neck as she deftly fastened the hooks of the locket.

"there you go," she whispered, turning you around to face her, her hand gently resting on your back.

your hand delicately cradled the locket, holding it close to your chest as you admired its beauty. a soft chuckle escaped your lips, your eyes sparkling with delight.

"it's beautiful," you murmured, your voice filled with awe and genuine appreciation.

that was what gwen missed. the moments where she felt like she fell in love with you all over again. the sound of your laughter, the lines that formed around your eyes when you smiled, and the happy yet exhausted look on your face right now that made you look even more adorable in gwen's eyes.

gwen's heart started racing as you started to laugh and smile. this was one of the moments she missed most. she didn't want to lose you, and right now, she could finally feel all the old gwen— like feelings wash over her again. now that you're both here, things finally feel right. gwen smiled as she watched you, content with the moment you were both in. for a split second, it felt as if time had stood still. after being apart for so long, she finally got to experience the version of you that had captured her heart. you looked so happy, so relaxed, so yourself. you were just being you, just like she remembered.

"and you're beautiful," gwen replied, a playful smirk on her face as she gazed at you.

blushing under her gaze, you mumbled a quiet thank you, your fingers idly playing with the chain of the locket.

a comfortable silence enveloped the room until the sudden heavy downpour of rain drummed forcefully against the window. the storm outside intensified, with the snowfall marrying the wind and rain in a furious dance. startled by the abrupt sound, you flinched in wen's arms, and she instinctively caught you, holding you closer.

glancing at the time, you realized it was already 4:00 am. she had been here for over an hour already. we both lost track of the time so much so that the storm outside had started to get worse.

gwen looked outside of the window and noticed the storm. her eyes widened as she thought about what her dad would think if he caught her sneaking out like this.

"i should probably be heading back now... it's getting late. sorry, i just... lost track of time, i guess," she confessed, clearing her throat.

looking back at you, her expression soft. she hated that she had to leave you right now, but she knew she needed to get home soon.

you nodded, understanding the situation, and pulled her into a hug. gratitude filled your voice as you spoke.

"thanks gwen, for y'know coming in the middle of the night like this. even if you didn't plan on it, it means a lot to me. i know you meant what you said, and everytime i think of december i'm gonna go back to this memory. i don't want us to be perfect, because everything is flawed, but isn't that what makes stuff..beautiful? interesting? maybe it's just my exhaustion talking… but thank you." you expressed sincerely, offering her a tender smile.

gwen's eyes were already tearing up yet again, she was feeling all the emotions she was fighting back again, just to keep her calm and focused. now that you both were alone and they've been honest with each other again, she just feels so overwhelmed by happiness.

"i won't forget this night either. it was good to finally talk with you again, and i hope this is the beginning of us being like this again," she replied, her smile radiant. "you should probably go get some sleep. it's so late, and you need a full day's rest if you want to keep up with me, remember?"

her lighthearted joke elicited a laugh from you, and you nodded in agreement.

"yeah, i'm pretty sleepy. and you should start heading back before your dad realizes you're missing," you teased, a playful glint in your eyes.

"mhm, yeah, i should probably be heading back now. my dad's going to kill me if he finds out i'm out here alone this late... i'm glad we talked, though. i really am," she spoke, her voice filled with sincerity.

she shot you a small smile before walking toward your window, pausing to look back at you. "sorry for the wet floor- i guess i just couldn't wait. haha... i'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

you chuckled at how nervous she became as you changed the topic of conversation.

"tomorrow," you repeated, observing the snowflakes swirling down. the beauty of the snow was marred by its inconvenience. you watched as gwen adjusted her leather jacket before leaping out of your window.

as she departed, you couldn't resist savoring her presence for one last moment.

"wait, gwen," you whispered urgently, careful not to wake the entire house.

gwen turned back, peering up from the bottom of your window ledge, holding onto it for support. hurrying over, you leaned down and looked at her.

gwen appeared slightly confused as she gazed up at you. she hadn't expected you to call out her name.

"what is it, babe? is everything okay?" she asked in a hushed voice. the wind and rain were loud, making it difficult to hear each other unless you were close.

you could see the concern on her face, realizing she didn't want to leave. she cherished this time with you and was starting to fear parting ways.

"i... um..." words failed you, unable to articulate what you wanted to express to her. you poked your head through the window, greeted by the cold outside and snowflakes delicately landing on your skin and hair. closing your eyes briefly, you leaned down and kissed her, a soft and tender peck, all too brief.

gwen was both curious about your intentions and taken aback by the unexpected kiss. her entire body warmed as she quickly reciprocated, her cheeks flushing as she gazed up at you, rendered speechless.

"get home safe," you said, pulling back, your lips barely inches apart. even in a quiet tone, gwen could hear your words as you looked at her shyly.

"i will, don't worry. get some sleep, alright?" she reassured you, then turned and started descending the ledge.

with those parting words, she smiled and glanced back at you before leaping off, disappearing into the snowy night.

nodding in response to her words, you returned her smile with a small one of your own.

as she vanished into the darkness veiled by the falling snow, you made your way to bed, switched off the lights, and drifted off to sleep.

gwen blushed as she saw you waving to her. she smiled softly and waved back before turning away and continuing to swing towards her house. her heart fluttered, and a yawn escaped her as she soared through the air. it was late, and the snowfall intensified with each passing moment. the thought of her father discovering she was out this late worried her, but it was all worth it. grinning, she swung through the storm.

arriving at her house, gwen opened her window and climbed back into her room. the cold air brushed against her skin, and she let out a contented sigh. sitting on her bed, she reflected quietly. she was exhausted, yet the thought of you made her feel alive.

"i'll love her right," she whispered to herself.

for a few more seconds, the snow continued to fall outside, until finally, all was quiet once more.

A/N: starting off the speak now series………..omg

© 2023 primaviva

#🪽— angel’s series #gwen stacy x reader #gwen stacy x y/n #gwen stacy x you #gwen stacy #ghost spider x reader #gwen x reader #astv x reader #atsv gwen #ghost spider #astv x y/n #astv x you #astv fanfic #spider gwen #spider gwen x reader #spiderverse x y/n #spiderverse x you #spiderverse x reader #gwen spiderverse #mcu x reader #marvel x reader #marvel x you #across the universe #across the spiderverse x reader #spiderman: atsv #spiderman into the spiderverse #astv imagines #astv angst #astv fluff #astv fic

[lady-boketto]

Gyomei Himejima General Headcanons (Sfw/Nsfw)

a/n: I hope i did this right but anyway, I have a lot of ideas but i don't really know how to right them out and his is my first time actually drumming up the courage to post anything lmao but after writing this I had a lot of fun and actually feel more confident in writing headcanons but let me know what you think! :)

SFW (Safe for Work)

Gyomei is a man who is very in tune with his feelings, so he's very attentive to your emotions and when you're not feeling quite like yourself so he likes to help you out when you're not feeling well or when you ask him to hold you, he always welcomes you into his strong arms with a warm smile on his face

when someone comes to confide in him, Gyomei is more of the type of person to listen to your problems or stories that you want to tell him than he is at trying to come up with topics or solutions to talk about but he will comfort you with ressasuring words if he feels like you need it and always has a warm smile on his face when you approach him

Sometimes when Gyomei has time to himself to relax and unwind in his own space it is often interrupted by someone (his comrades or you, his beloved) not that he minds at all at their presence he actually welcomes them as he found with time that the people around him naturally gravitate towards him and tend to be comfortable enough to share stories with him which he's more than happy to listen and be engaged in anything they might say, Gyomei suspects it might be due to the mixture of his large stature and calm demeanor that people naturally feel that they are protected and puts those around him at ease

Due to people casually coming and talking to him, Gyomei is a bit of a gossip and likes to know things but doesn't really do anything with the information, he doesn't like to start drama or be around it, he would rather be spending time at home with you, he'd take a seat in the lounge area and when he has made himself comfortable he'd raise his hand out to gesture for you to come and sit with him so he can tell you all the stories he has collected since you last spoke with a wide grin on his face

He may be blind but that doesn't mean that he is completely useless, in reality Gyomei has learned how to compensate for his short comings in a way that makes the people around him forget that he is even blind

tries to hide how amused he is when you forget that he is blind (ex. when you try to show him something interesting or when you comment on how dark the room is)

he loves it when the both of you have the time to relax and enjoy each other's company, especially the warm afternoons where he can sit in the grass without a care as you are relaxing peacefully in his lap, reading out loud to him the book that you picked up from the markets while he was out on his last mission.

also there are days where he likes to sit outside ( by himself or with you) and play his shakuhachi ( it's like a flute but sounds so majestic lol) , he doesn't know a lot of songs but likes to play notes and find which ones sound good together and plays little random tunes ( sometimes he makes up lyrics to go with the melody but most times its just meaningless tunes)

Gyomei has two weaknesses and that's: you and cats. It's a struggle for him to balance the two but with persuasion ( he secretly likes to be complimented and hugs, especially when you hug his arm) he will choose you with little to slightly moderate regret to the stray he saw on his way home from his meeting with the leader and the rest of the hashira.

Gyomei especially has a fascination with the maine coon cat breed not only because they are one of the biggest breeds of cat but because they are rather social creatures like Gyomei himself, they don't mind spending time around other people. He also finds it very funny when he get to spend time with a maine coon cat and he feels them softly making biscuits on his haori when he's trying to pet the other cats or talking to you

NSFW (Not Safe for Work)

Gyomei likes to praise you in bed so that he can feel the heat rise from your skin under his large hands

not really the one to risk getting caught doing anything other than kisses on the cheek or a loving embrace in front of others

there's a whole another side behind close doors and in your shared space, he becomes more desperate for your touch and especially loves it when you roam you hands down his chest and shoulders, he blushes and softly sighs when you pay more attention to his thighs ( lightly moans if you lightly drag you nails down his mid thigh)

Gyomei's ears are very sensitive and likes to hear your voice (has a thing for your voice) so he enjoys every little noise you make for him, it ties a knot in his stomach when you lowly whisper in his ear how much you desire him and he more than happy to comply to your wants

Another area that is sensitive for Gyomei is his neck and collarbone, he can't help but squirm and firmly hold you by your waist as you are on top of him and attacking his neck with kisses and bites

The one thing he doesn't mind other people seeing is the love bites you (or hickies) leave on his neck because most people that he talks to are actually too anxious to tease him about them when they catch the sight of them peeking out of his uniform, but little do they know he knows what they are nervous about because although he can't see the chain of marks you've left, he smirks to himself as he body shivers with the slight sting of pain when he traces his fingers over his neck as he remembers your touch

Gyomei likes to rely on his other senses to please you in the bed room and due to not having the proper time to go out and meet people it has left him a little touch starved so he loves to use his mouth on your body

He wants nothing more than to kiss your body on the parts you are most sensitive to and tell you how much you brighten his world by being in it and telling you how lucky he is to call you his lover while his hands are working to bring you closer your desire of coming undone in front of him

He is a bit embarrassed to admit to you but loves to use his mouth on your chest and moans like crazy when he has one of your nipples in his mouth, also likes to feel up your hips and thighs as he works his mouth on your chest

Gyomei's favorite places to kiss you are your lips and inner thighs because he secretly love how needy and how vocal you get for him (it makes his chest swell with a sense of pride and wants nothing more than to hear you praise him more so he can do his best for you)

He doesn't like to use his full strength on you in fear of hurting you in some way, unless you specifically ask him so to do or that you managed to work him up so much that he can't control himself and has to set a boundary to show you who is in charge of the current situation by sneaking up behind you with a firm press of his hips to your behind or when his hands find their way to your neck to put a light pressure, warning you to behave for him or else he'll have to use drastic measures on you if you dare to test him further)

if you'd let him if would love to cum inside you, he likes it when you beg for him to cum inside you (the heat of the moment makes the both of you blush like crazy) especially Gyomei because he doesn't stop thrusting his hips until you're both coming down from the high of the moment (he loves to feel you spasm and eventually relax against his body)

Gyomei always makes sure to take care of you after you are both done, he's amazing at massages (he's very good with his hands) and will clean you up or run the bath for you with your favorite soaps and scented oils or he will gladly get you a glass of icy cold water with the small ice cubes that are so easy to crunch with your teeth (whatever you want or need, Gyomei is ready and willing to serve your every need)

#gyomei himejima #gyomei x reader #kny gyomei #demon slayer gyomei #gyomei #gyomei himejima x reader #kny gyomei x reader #demon slayer gyomei x reader #demon slayer gyomei himejima #kny gyomei himejima #kny gyomei himejima x reader #demon slayer gyomei himejima x reader #x reader #kny #demon slayer #headcanon #gender neutral reader #gender neutral insert #divider by cafekitsune

[ramblingthoughtsofayoungadult]

Headcanons: Jordan Li with Streamer!fem reader

A/N: This character has a chokehold on me just like they do everyone else. Also, I don't claim to own this character nor the gifs, I just had this idea for a scenario.

Notes: 1116 word count and some swearing.

You never thought that your stream you started out of boredom during high school would take off but by the time you got to GOD U, you were always on the Top Ten Streamer list on V-TV.

 Your content ranged from wholesome gaming, collabs with other creators, and commentary on popular videos or media. Emma, Marie, Luke, Cate, and Andre had all been featured at least once but your oldest friend, Jordan, was hesitant.

“I don’t want a bunch of weird strangers knowing who I am,” they muttered when you tried to convince them to join for the millionth time.

You pouted, “Jordan, that’s what the mods are for. Anyway, it’s a risk you’re going to have to take as a supe anyway, right?” They were reluctant to admit you were right and after bribing them with Olive Garden, grumpily sat next to you as you set up your stream the following night.

“Try to look a little more enthusiastic,” you teased as you adjusted your cameras to frame you and Jordan well.

“It’s hard when I’m still hungover,” they griped. Despite their mood, you couldn’t help but feel giddy as you clicked on the big green “start” button and sat down in your custom gaming chair.

“Hi everyone, welcome back! Today, I have a very special guest who taught me almost everything I know about gaming,” you chirped, pulling Jordan’s chair closer to your side. “This is Jordan.”

Almost immediately, your chat started going crazy. “Who’s the hot guy?” “That’s your friend???!!!” “I knew I should’ve tried harder to get into GOD U.”

Jordan’s eyes widened at the response, and they sat up a little straighter and waved. “Hi everyone and yes, I am Y/N’s friend, and I did teach her everything she knows about gaming.” You elbowed them in the side playfully. “Not true!” “Before me, she didn’t even know what T-posing was.”

You playfully smacked their arm and shook your head. “Shut up. Anyway, tonight I am wearing my cozy sweatshirt because it is spooky season and to celebrate, we will be playing Outlast and Jordan is here in case I faint from fear and emotional support.” Jordan snorted, “You’re playing Outlast when you couldn’t finish FNAF?”

The night was filled with screaming and panic from you while Jordan mostly laughed at your pain and tried to give directions.

“Go left! No, the other left!” They shouted. “I panicked!”

Throughout the gameplay, the chat was bombarding you both with comments and donations. “Cherrypickednightmare gifted 50 subs and said, ‘Please give Jordan their cut’,” Jordan read. “Thank you for the subs! What cut? This is my channel, Jordan is a guest. They are here as a friend,” you said without taking your eyes off the screen.

“I don’t think you did this well with anyone else on the channel, I think I should be compensated,” Jordan teased. “Your pay is my friendship and potentially more Olive Garden.”

With that statement, your subscribers sent more “gifts” and subs as you continued playing. “Mikeysleftfoot said, ‘For the Olive Garden fund,” Jordan chuckled. “Yes, chat, for only 9.99 a day, you can provide Jordan with a week’s worth of Olive Garden even though they only eat the breadsticks, but someone needs to order something so no one gets kicked out,” you teased in a fake serious voice.

Jordan seemed to have too much fun interacting with chat while you were avoiding being attacked by zombified asylum patients. “WHY DID I COME INTO THIS HOSPITAL ALONE WITHOUT A WEAPON? I’M A JOURNALIST AND NO ONE KNOWS I’M HERE!” you screamed while frantically trying to get your character to run away from the giant patient. “Y/N, Viledeeds87 wants to know how we met.”

“NOT NOW!” But you died in-game seconds later and huffed. “We met in kindergarten,” you stated. “No, preschool.” You burst out laughing, “My bad, I lumped the years together. We were on the playground, I got a splinter from the swing set, and Jordan walked me to the nurse’s office.” “I’ve been looking out for her clumsy ass since.”

After that night, your friendship with Jordan and Jordan themselves became a hot topic on your channel. “Someone said, ‘Why is Jordan so daddy?’ Relax, chat, or else I will not bring them back on the channel. Their head’s gonna get too big from your thirst,” you joked.  

Surprisingly, Jordan loved the attention, especially the reactions they could get out of you because of the attention.

“I should write up a contract to make sure I’m getting my proper royalties,” Jordan suggested mindlessly during a study session.  “You know I have a team of lawyers, right?” “Scared they’ll agree with me?”

But when your merch collection came out, Jordan was the first to model and post about it on social media. Their appearances on the channel were regular and fueled more engagement on your streams, which your management loved.

Your other friends offline couldn’t help but comment on it either, with Andre only being a little jealous of the attention Jordan got while Luke and Cate couldn’t be more supportive.

Emma and Marie proudly shipped you and Jordan. “You’re so cute together, I mean, it’s giving frenemies and will-they-won’t-they at the same time!” Emma insisted. “No way, there’s nothing there. Jordan’s my best friend and it makes sense that we would have decent chemistry.” “I may not be super experienced in this area but, they do not look at you like a friend, on stream and off,” Marie commented.

You thought your younger friends were nuts. If there was anything between you and Jordan, you would be the first to know. Sure, you occasionally got butterflies around them when they smiled in either form and you regularly bought things or sent them pictures of something that reminded you of them. But all best friends do that, right?

Then one night, when you should’ve been studying, you were scrolling on social media when you stumbled across fan compilation videos of you and Jordan. While a lot of them were funny, a few of them were on the shipping side.

For the first time, you saw how Jordan’s big brown eyes softened when you weren’t looking at them and how they were so quick to pull you in their lap when you tried to storm off in a rage-quit. Was this how they always acted around you?

As you raked your brain, you began to remember several moments where Jordan acted a little more than a friend to you but at the time, you brushed it off. Did this mean they liked you? Did this mean it was finally okay for you to admit how you feel?

#jordan li #jordan li headcanons #jordan li x reader

[lizzaneia-elizalde]

For ALL the yanderes you’ve created, those that are fathers, going to be fathers, or want to be fathers (intention to baby trap their wifey’s), how well of a father would each of them really be? Like on a scale of 1-10 (10 best, 5 average, 1 worst). And what’s their parenting style or just some tid bit info on their parental duties?

I don’t want to overwhelm you with this request, so hopefully this can be a simple headcanon list for just some of them like the sugar daddy, cowboy, politician, etc. of whorever else.

Thanks your stories make me so giddy to read and will you ever make ABCs for your OCs? (SFW/NSFW/mixture of both)

Yandere! Men and their Fatherly Capabilities

I've always wanted to do these types of questions! Scenarios are so fun to do and read so I hope I didn't mess up this one!

About ABCs, i'm probably going to do sometimes. It can be requested, although I don't know where to start with it. Kink ABCs, probably? I dunno, i've only read a handful of ABC drabbles. But it looks soooo fun.

YAN! ARTIST: 7/10

Arlen would definitely be higher than average. His emotions are not that twisted yet (LMAO YET). He was loved by his parents, and his grandmother. He knew what a healthy relationship with a child looks like, so he strives to do the same.

Although, he would be clumsy sometimes, but he knows what to do and what to say.

"Honey? Oh no, don't eat the paint. *Chuckles* you weren't? Ah, sorry. But you want to learn how to paint? Alright. Come here. Let's start easy. Okay?"

YAN! DRAGON: 4/10

Vincent would be awkward. He's been for hundreds of years now, with no one to rely on, no family, no friends. Then suddenly, you came in. When you became his spouse, he was a little bit worried about your offspring. He doesn't know how to father at all. He hatched from his egg alone, so when your child got born, he's awkward, confused, and overly cautious. He's afraid to hurt the child after all.

He would probably shower the child with gifts, as compensation. Because you know, some parents, who cannot express affection in a physical and verbal way, would shower their child with gifts.

"Ah, child. Do you need something? No? Oh, hmm... Well, I found this necklace with a temperature controlled gem as a pendant. When you're cold, it will warm you up, if you're hot, it would cool you down. No need to thank me. It's my duty as your father, after all.

YAN! THEATER ACTOR: 3/10

Horrible father. Well, not horrible-horrible, but the fact that he wants your attention on him and him only is already a major setback. If he suddenly had a mini me running around and hogging your attention, let's just say Ignatius wouldn't take that lightly.

He will take a vasectomy just to avoid having an accident. So no accidental pregnancies at all.

"Ugh. No children for me. I can't have your attention on somebody who is not me."

YAN! BUTLER: 10/10

No doubt about Zero. He will definitely be a great father. He's the best butler out there. A chimera also, so he's stronger than humans, maybe even select monsters. He's caring, cunning, smart, and loving.

He's devoted and loyal, so expect your child with him to be the most beloved child out there.

"Pumpkin! How are you? Hungry? Haha, don't worry, I already prepared your snacks and drinks. Of course, it's in the garden, in your most favorite spot. Come, your mother is also there."

YAN! SUGAR DADDY 8.5/10

GRR BARK BARK BARK AWOOO *Ehem* wait what who said that? Well, anyways, as much as Rowan is the most caring sugar daddy out there, he's still a mafia boss. So him being one is putting you and your child's safety in danger. But other than that, with his loaded money and insane protection from his men, your child will be one heck of a protected baby out there.

Although, it would take more convincing for Rowan if your child wanted to be the next mafia boss.

"You want to be like me? Dream on, squirt. This lifestyle is dangerous. So if you want to become like me, I better see you prepared for everything. So, not now."

YAN! JOCK: 6/10

Damon would be at most, average. Well, above average by only a bit. Remember, he's not exactly the most emotionally capable man out there. His himbo persona is the only one making him afloat in the social world. He's probably gonna go and act like his parents. After all, he already has a himbo persona. What harm could it be if he would develop a loving father facade?

Maybe the more time he spends with you and your child, he will become actually affectionate. And he will be, don't worry.

"Heyya champ! Want to play basketball with daddy? What? No, I didn't trip you on purpose. HAHA! Alright, you caught me. You gave your momma so much trouble, so I had to discipline you a bit."

YAN! ASSASSIN: 2/10

NO! PROBABLY THE WORST FATHER OUT THERE! I feel bad, but technically speaking, he hasn't healed from his father's abuse. He's also already a violent man who would do anything to get out a reaction from you, and he won't stop until he did. So, imagining him with a child is a NO NO! He's that much of a bastard.

Once he healed though, then maybe? But definitely not current Azrael.

"A child? Angel, no. I do not want to have them. Period."

YAN! EX-BOYFRIEND: 4.5/10

Lee is emotionally unavailable for people other than you. Even his own parents. You're the only one whose able to bring out such intense emotions from deep inside him. But he won't be that much of a pain to deal with, it's just that he's probably gonna be one of those awkward dads that only talks to you one or two sentences a day, and only does his best in providing for his family.

Don't worry, he's not an ass to just neglect his child, just, barely emotionally there.

"Hey kid, here you go. Your allowance for the week."

YAN! COWBOY: 7/10

Knoxx is prideful, so he takes pride from his family also. He always dreamt of having his own child, teaching him the ways of the ranch, giving them their pony, and teaching them that once they set sights on a potential partner, they shouldn't let go.

Other than that, he's going to be a good dad. He will make his own father his role model, and rear the child to the best he can. Although not without a few bumps due to his personality.

"NO! Twilight! Stop! Don't scare the horse like that! Just easy petting, no sudden slaps-- TWILIGHT! NOW LOOK AT YOU, ALL DIRTY BECAUSE YOU STARTLED YOUR HORSE. What am I even going to say to your mother..."

YAN! EMO: 9/10

Ashton is surprisingly going to be an excellent father. He's in tune with his emotions, is not one to impose traditional views on his child. He will be very open minded about your child, and will be an actual strong pillar of support.

Along with you, your child with him will be a great kid, who's in touch of their emotions and is sensitive to feelings.

"It's okay to cry sweetie. If you want, you can embrace papa. There there... Just let it all out. You're big, strong, and amazing. Nobody should doubt that, even you."

YAN! WEREWOLF: 7.5/10

Lyall grew up with his family, which is like a lot of them. It's like a compound where several branches of generations live in the same lot, so he knew how to take care of kids and play with them, and make sure they grow to decent adults.

Unlike his family though, he will make sure to teach his child the ways of a werewolf in an early age, so that they will not be lost in the dark if they shifted for the first time.

"Shifting will hurt, I can't deny that. But hey, focus on your wolf's voice, let them guide and soothe you. I am also here, and also your mother. Together, we will guide you until you finished. That's my pup."

YAN! EX-HUSBAND: 7/10

Novel/OG Inigo will definitely be a 10/10 father, but for this version of Inigo, I only placed him a 7/10 due to him being an opportunistic asshat. In the novel, he genuinely wanted to marry Ykaidi for the children, but in this case, he wanted to marry you for you to come back in his arms, and is using the kids as a leverage to get you back.

Other than that, he's probably gonna be a great father. Allastor is one, so Inigo has a role model to look up to when it comes to amazing fathers.

"You two, what are you doing? Hmm? baking cupcakes for your mother? Well, isn't that amazing. Do you mind if I help? I can operate the electronics."

YAN! HOSPITAL CHAIRPERSON: 6/10

He's paranoid. So he's probably gonna be really strict with his child. Like, curfew time is 5pm kind of strict. He's not one to intrude in personal stuff though, so the only strictness he actually has is making sure his child is back home safe, and always at home, since home is the safest place to be.

Your child is probably gonna get sick of it though.

"What time is it? Yeah, 5:10 where were you? I was worried sick! School? I thought school ends at 4:00? You went out with your friends? I don't care about that but when I saw curfew is 5, it's 5!"

YAN! VILLAIN: 8.5/10

Eros is a lovable man. And unlike his current life, his modern past life was exposed to gentle parenting. He was an orphan, so he wants to give everything he can to his child. And in his current life, his father was absent, and his mother is a pedophile, so he definitely, definitely wants to break the cycle of being a bad parent.

He's the Duke after all, what can he not give his child?

"Happy birthday, my precious jewel! Wait, why are you mad at me? Oh? That? Well, gifting you a villa in the seaside is a good thing right-- ow! Ow! Okay! I shouldn't waste my money! Haha!"

YAN! POLITICIAN: 5.5/10

Like I said with Maximus, he's also a traditional man. He provides, you take care of the children and the house. He's also a politician, so he's busy as a bee making a name for himself, taking care of the city, and providing for his family. Although, he does make sure to spend his holidays with his family.

Your children will be popular as hell, seeing as they are the children of THE Maximus. So, goodluck to them if they are introverted.

"Children! Papa's home! I bought Christmas gifts from the cityhall. Your aunts and uncles wanted to give you tons of presents, so do go ham in opening them! Don't worry, papa will be here until January."

YAN! MAFIA BOSS: 5.5/10

He's the opposite of Rowan. He gets jealous easily. Like really easily. Same as Ignatius, if you have somebody that you put your affection into that was not him, it would leave a bitter taste in his mouth. Also, with him constantly filling up with wealth and expanding territory, it will be a horrible place to rear a child. Since he baby trapped you though, he has no choice but to provide for the kid. He's surprisingly decent, and his jealousy is more or less childish (Thank God).

SO, he just baby trapped you just for the sake of you being trapped. Hooray for the man who's NOT thinking of consequences.

"Boohoo, cry for your mom. I just stole your lollipop. What's that? You want this back? Well come and jump, tiny. Come on, jump-- OW! H-honey! OW! Okay i'll stop teasing tiny h-- OW! Okay I won't call them tiny!"

SO, ranking from greatest to DEFINITELY NOT

Butler > Emo > Sugar Daddy = Villain > Werewolf > Artist > Cowboy > Ex-husband > Hospital Chairperson > Jock > Politician > Mafia Boss > Ex-boyfriend > Dragon > Theater Actor > Assassin

There you have it! Our official ranking on who's the best daddies to the "I will not leave my child with them"

#yandere boyfriend #yandere imagines #yandere male #yandere writing #male yandere x reader #tw yandere #yandere x darling #yandere x you #yandere fic #yandere drabbles #lizzaneiaelizalde

[joys-of-everyday]

SJ and the Pitfalls of Toxic Masculinity

Liking women wasn’t shameful in the least, but treating a woman as your savior, shrinking into her embrace in search of self-confidence—Shen Qingqiu needed no one to tell him how incredibly shameful that was. So he would rather die than tell anyone, particularly not Yue Qingyuan.

- Yue Qingyuan and Shen Qingqiu Extra

Hot take: og!SQQ had toxic ideas about masculinity, and it ruined him.

SVSSS is all about the ✨Toxic Masculinity✨ but this seems to be more associated with SY than SJ??? So yeah, lets talk about SJ (my poor meow meow).

There’s actually some subtlety here, because talking about SJ and masculinity naturally involves an interplay between historical and modern views on masculinity in China, which is something that has developed over time and has influences from other cultures (e.g. the west and our views on masculinity). (Interesting thing if you haven't already come across it) I am… not qualified to read the subtleties here.

To note, SJ is coded as masculine… sort of. He’s the head of the scholarly peak, a master of the Four Arts, which is one facet of ideal masculinity in traditional Chinese values. (Fluttering a fan around was very gentleman-like. Although also, expressing your emotions through poetry and copious amounts of tears was very masculine back in the day. 'Traditional masculinity' has and always will be an elusive ideal.) But I get the feeling nowadays ‘scholarly’ has more feminine connotations than ‘martial’, albeit a slightly weaker one than in the west. Also, on the topic of toxic masculinity, certain groups of people Who Shall Not Be Named would like you to believe that Real Chinese Men are stoic warriors and ‘gayness is a western thing’ (my rage is unreal but we will not talk about that).

Anyway, broad strokes, broad strokes.

Arrogance and Insecurity

A big part of toxic masculinity is a need for social recognition, to be the ‘alpha male’ (not an ABO pun and on a side note I literally cannot take anyone talking about alpha males seriously now, for many reasons, but this is the funniest).

SJ is obsessed with his cultivation, but more pertinently, he is obsessed with his reputation. He demonstrates this in a few ways. Firstly, he works his ass off, which is not bad in itself, but he does this to the extent it is detrimental to his health (that grindset lol). Secondly, he projects a certain image with his actions and mannerisms: reading in order to seem intelligent, looking down at people to seem superior etc. Thirdly, he responds to any perceived slights of his ability with violence. (Fighting with LQG is an example, but also drawing a sword on SQH when he pointed out that he was reading an upside-down book.)

Now interestingly, the unanimous vibe that Cang Qiong seem to get from SQQ is that he is ‘arrogant’. When in truth, all of this is compensating for his insecurity.

Shen Qingqiu was overly suspicious, always feeling as if everyone was talking behind his back about how he was still incapable of forming a core, didn’t accept his position, wanted to sabotage him in secret, and so on and so forth.

- Yue Qingyuan and Shen Qingqiu Extra

Sadly, SJ is justified in being afraid of other people’s opinion. His comfort and security rely entirely on his status, which in turn rely on other people’s opinion of his competence. Of course he wants to get to the top – he’s been under other people’s power before, and suffered terribly as a result. Why should he not desperately defend what he has worked so hard for? Yet ultimately it works against him, because when he’s in serious trouble, he hasn’t been able to build the human connections he needs to get help.

The problem is with the system. The idea that having strength allows you to do whatever you want hurts not only the people regarded as inferior, but also creates a collective sense of anxiety for those who find themselves ‘at the top’. Anyone can be kicked down and treated like scum. Everyone is afraid.

Dominance and Bullying

The phrase ‘toxic masculinity is fragile’ quite often, but to elaborate, these kinds of rigid ideas of masculinity are by nature constantly under threat. Because any crack in the perfect shell is regarded as failure, it requires constant, aggressive maintenance, which takes the form of bullying the weak in order to elevate oneself.

SJ’s treatment of LBH is complicated, but here I want to draw attention to a different character – Ming Fan.

SQQ (SY) would have you know that MF is not a bad kid, other than the fact he’s a huge bully to LBH. And in part that comes from jealousy of NYY’s crush on him, but what allows it to happen is the way SJ runs the peak. It's interesting to note that so much of SJ's bullying of LBH happens through MF, whether it be giving him the faulty cultivation manual, giving him chores or physically assaulting him. In doing this, SJ creates a system that firmly establishes himself at the top, likely in order to give himself some semblance of security.

But ironically, this is the very system that SJ has suffered under his entire life, recreated to it's extreme on the peak that he controls. When he was completely under the power of others (QJL, LBH) he suffered. When other people were under his power, he inflicted suffering. He encouraged other people to do the same. Again, the whole thing is a scam! He is putting all of his energy into things that aren't helping him, things that ultimately bring him down.

Real Men Don’t Cry – the Dangers of Emotional Repression

SJ has many, very justifiable reasons in life to be upset and angry. The things he went through are both terrible and extremely unfair. Being angry at everything is not a healthy outlet for these feelings, but he hasn’t exactly been taught an alternative either. On the streets, tears would have gotten him absolutely nothing. Anger at least gave him energy to fight back.

And this destroys him. He is angry at the fact he had no one in his life who loved him, his talents were wasted because of QJL/WYZ, nobody takes his abilities seriously… and with no healthy way of expressing this, he goes onto bully LBH. LBH then returns to destroy him, literally. More subtly, he is unable to express his fear and anxiety in healthy ways, so acts standoff-ish and aggressive to his those around him. As his relationship with them deteriorates, his fear and anxiety increases. Feedback loops.

SJ puts on a mask of anger and stoicism to the point that everyone around him (including himself) is convinced that he is unrepentant and evil. Suppresses and suppresses until it breaks him, until he has nothing – not his comfort, nor status, nor the one that he truly cared for:

He had single-handedly facilitated Luo Binghe’s today, and now who had single-handedly created this outcome for him? Yue Qingyuan was never supposed to have an end like this. In order to come to a decades-late appointment, to fulfill a completely useless promise. A broken sword and a dead man. It shouldn’t be like this.

A Note on Ambivalent Sexism

It’s funny because I think there’s a fandom vibe that SJ was the secret feminist of SVSSS. Don’t get me wrong, I love this in fanfics. Badass feminist SJ all the way. But my honest opinion is that I don’t think that was the case.

More explicitly, I don’t think SJ took women seriously. NYY, for example. Certainly, SJ valued NYY. But the expression of this care involved doting on her, hiding his treatment of LBH from her, and not particularly pushing her to grow. And PIDW!NYY wasn’t implied to be the most mature of the lot. Okay, while we don’t know a lot about PIDW!NYY (narrator unreliable), it’s probably safe to say some distance from SJ helped her a lot.

Another point – the Qiu massacre. SJ killed the men, but not the women. And while this says more about his distaste for men, it also indicates (possibly - I will float this idea but I won't die on this hill) that he straight up doesn’t see any woman as an enemy, or capable of being a threat. Which is possibly a natural conclusion he’s drawn from his experiences (QHT was not very perceptive, or very threatening) but also inaccurate as a worldview.

And his attitude towards the women he sees as saviours? Has the same vibe as ‘it’s so embarrassing to be protected by a girl’.

Okay, so being doted on and not being killed are positives compared to being abused or murdered, but this kind of attitude is the opposite side of the same coin to ‘women are incompetent and inferior’. And when it comes to raising kids, not allowing them to grow can be extremely harmful as well. See e.g. Ambivalent sexism.

Although I do want to mention that I do not think SJ was like… actively misogynistic. I think he genuinely liked women more than men. The point is you can be sexist without realising it.

Conclusions

To conclude, SJ had ideas of success and self-worth associated with toxic masculinity which were instrumental in his downfall.

Masculinity doesn’t have to be toxic. While the Cang Qiong family aren’t exactly the healthiest bunch, YQY’s calm and patient leadership, LQG’s steadfast loyalty, LBH’s ability to cry like a maiden and still be the strongest… these are all traditionally masculine traits that can be very positive. These are also people who can have feminine traits and explore their gender identity without being prissy or weak.

It's the great tragedy of SJ that he had many positive characteristics. He was talented, intelligent, articulate, perceptive, loyal, and caring… under the right circumstances, he could have grown into a great person.

And maybe he still had that chance, right until the end.

#svsss #shen jiu #original shen qingqiu #svsss meta #having said i would disappear i have things to dislodge from my drafts

[dark-frosted-heart]

Crown’s S Class Mission - Roger Barel (Bitter End)

As usual, can’t guarantee 100% accuracy on this.

Roger: Hold up. Not gonna let you kill my cute student. Now then, it’s time for Instructor Roger’s fun and exciting punishment.

Master of the estate: Oliver, shut that guy up!

Instructor Oliver: The one who needs to shut up is you.

Oliver grabbed the man and pinned him to the floor.

Master of the estate: *cough* Wha-what are you doing!

Instructor Oliver: I can’t lie to myself anymore. That’s all.

Roger: Capture everyone involved.

--

What awaited was an unimaginable scene.

Roger used rigorous muscle training to punish those involved.

When they were no longer able to stand, they were handed over to the police.

Kate: The Beauty Muscle Club has pretty much dissolved.

Roger: That’s good. And all the hospitalized women will be compensated.

Kate: While money won’t fix their situation…I hope it’ll help, even if just a little.

Oliver the instructor also came forward as one of the accomplices.

After atoning for his crimes, he planned on running his own sports gym.

He wanted to establish a place for women to work out together.

???: Um, excuse me…

Kate: Emilia…

Emilia’s wise gaze caught mine when I turned around. 

(...If she overheard us, she knows that she got deceived, doesn't she?)

(...What can I say to her—)

Emilia: Um, thank you so much!

Kate: Huh?

Emilia winked and smiled.

Emilia: I’ve faced a series of disappointments, but I can’t let that get me down.

Her strength revealed how much she had gone through in her life.

Kate: …I’ve also faced a series of disappointments. I could only think about how useless and pathetic I was. But I can’t stay depressed.

Emilia: I agree. I’ll see you around. Take care of yourself, Kate.

While I waved goodbye to Emilia, I noticed Roger’s gaze on me.

Kate: What is it?

Roger: Nothing. Just thinking about how you’re growing into a fine woman.

Kate: D-don’t praise me out of the blue. Besides, it’s not like you raised…

Roger: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, as a reward for growing up well, I’m taking you out somewhere nice.

--

Roger took me to a restaurant by Big Ben.

Roger: Been coming here ever since Ellis told me about it. Basically, everything here’s pretty good.

(...Roger brought me to such a nice restaurant)

Alarms bells started going off in my head.

Kate: …Are you’re going to make me do something again?

Roger: What do you take me for?

Roger stifled back a laugh and stared straight at me.

Roger: Don’t worry. There’s nothing behind the reward today.

Emma: …Reward?

Roger: I saw how hard you’ve been working…Good job.

(Ah…)

Hearing those words, it was clear that he brought me here as a reward.

Kate: Thank you…But, I don’t deserve it. I got too emotional to make rational decisions.

Roger: I suppose that’s true. But I would’ve slapped that guy myself if you didn’t. He deserved it. Getting angry for the sake of others is admirable.

Kate: …

Roger: Kate.

Kate: Yes?

Roger: You’re strong enough.

(What do I do…I’m going to cry)

Roger’s carrot and stick method always disturbed my heart.

If he did this on purpose, then he’s pretty evil.

Roger: Oh it’s here. The roast beef here’s delicious. Here.

The simple look on Roger’s face when he looked at the meat blew my sentiments away.

Kate: Hehe…It really does look delicious…

Roger: … Hey, Kate.

Kate: Yes?

Roger: Being strong doesn’t mean doing things alone. Being able to rely on someone’s also a strength. So you can rely on me.

After saying that, Roger took a huge bite out of the meat.

Roger: Mmm, yum. Come on, it’s getting cold.

Kate: O-okay. Mmm…Wow, it’s really good! It’s so juicy and tender. It’s amazing.

Roger: …o_o Hahaha! You’re as restless as ever. Remember to chew. My family’s corgi used to eat so fast that they’d choke. They look just like you.

Kate: There you go again comparing me to a dog!

Roger: All that barking’s the same too.

Kate: Ugh…

We argued like usual, but my heart felt warmer.

Roger’s words made me feel really happy…and I kept arguing with him so that he wouldn’t notice.

--

Some time later, I joined Jude and Ellis on another mission.

Ellis: Kate, you’ve been moving pretty smoothly.

Kate: Thank you. I’ve been doing strength training.

Jude: Ya still lookin’ pretty soft.

Kate: I-I’m planning on gaining muscle!

Ellis: Good luck, I’ll be cheering you on.

Ellis smiled and put his lips close to my ear.

Kate: Ellis…?

Ellis: Kate, Roger’s going to be in the lounge tonight.

Kate: Huh?

Ellis: You want to report your hard work and get praised, don’t you?

Ellis smiled gently at my surprise.

(I didn’t say that…)

Ellis: Or do you want to go out to dinner?

Kate: I’m heading back. I…have things to do in the castle.

I wonder how Roger will react when I tell him how I did today.

I definitely didn’t want him to know that I was walking a little faster than usual.

#ikemen villains #ikevil #ikevil jp #ikevil translations #roger barel #ikevil roger

[gotstabbedbyapen]

To compensate for my emotional damage from episode 3, BOZ gave me what I want (then ruin me again)

Spoiler Alert!!! (y'all should really stay away from my blog if you don't want spoilers)

First off, the show has finally given me what I want: Hyacinthus.

My BabyTM.

My flower boi.

My menace prince.

I love you for trying to race against the god of speed himself. You lost the match obviously but you still won my heart in the few seconds you appeared 💜💜💜

You're spoiling me with your pecs and gritting teeth, BUT YOUR LITTLE EARRING TOO???

I'm not unwell. I'm dead.

I hope you stayed out of the arena during the discus game because we don't want your boyfriend to have a panic attack again (AND APOLLO'S SCENE WITH THE DISC TOO, SUNNY BOI GOT TRAUMA)

Speaking of sunny boi, it's nice that BOZ has a nod to Apollo being a champion in boxing.

He beat Dionysus bloody. Look at him!

Then there's... Ares.

*sigh*

What happened to him?

The only time I like Ares is when he helps Aphrodite get off the chariot, but the moment he speaks I have to fight the urge to box him myself.

They said he's being a jerk to Heron because the lost of his parents affected him but I see NO SENSE OF MOURNING IN HIM. He's only being mean for the sake of being a mean bully.

Everyone who are mad at Ares in SS2 like me, you should read The Ungilded Version, it's a continuation fanfic of season 1 on AO3. Ares didn't get along with Heron in this fic, but how he shows his grudges is more reasonable and in-character. AND HE HAS HIS GOLDEN MOMENTS WITH HIS FAMILY AND FOLLOWERS TO BALANCE OUT HIS AGRESSIVE SIDE TOO!!!

The BOZ producer WISH they can write a complex Ares like that.

Also, don't think I forget Demeter. Her cameo may be brief but I'm still sour at what they made her into.

And Hera too, but I guess in a lesser extend because Zeus' death have really impacted her. Still miss her ruthless side tho.

Oh, and Heron is going on a suicide mission. He knows he's gonna die so he wants to die both like a dumbass and badass. But I do have critique with his fight with Ares. THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HE CAN PUNCH ARES BLEEDING???

Diomedes managed to cut Ares and Aphrodite in the Iliad because he's a seasoned warrior with Athena on his side. Heron got powered up once and somehow he can box Ares??? A demigod against a god???

And when I thought the producer is finally realistic and didn't make him beat Ares, the Gary Stu nonsense came back with Zeus giving him the ring.

"But he saved the world he deserves the prize--" DID ZEUS' OTHER CHILDREN NOT AID THE DEFEAT OF THE GIANTS??? HERON JUMPED IN AND MAKE THE FINAL SHOW DOWN AND HE'S GOING TO DIE ANYWAYS!!!

Zeus' final speech. Finally he has some end-of-life remorse. I'll let someone else talk about it because my brain isn't programed to analyze something like that.

BUT WE WERE ROBBED OF A CHARIOT RACE!!! THERE'S A CUT DRAFT OF WHEN THE SIBLINGS WHERE RACING AGAINST EACH OTHER AND IT'S SOOO COOL??? WISH WE COULD HAVE SEEN IT BUT ALAS :((((

#blood of zeus #blood of zeus season 2 #spoiler alert #my ramblings #i'll watch the final half of the season later #when i'm done with my irl works #will return to reviewing (read: rambling) on this show

[sedgewick-gayble]

This is me slightly editing and reposting my ramble from a reblog so it actually shows up on the LD tag lol. Hopefully it's more sensical also

I'm so abnormal about those two old gay men. Okay. Listen to me

I can only envision them actually loving each other in the context of it being silent and unspoken acts of devotion and service that carry an emotional, intimate weight they're both aware of but never say or comment on out loud; to themselves, to eachother, or to anyone else--because if they address it then it becomes so much more real and neither of them can handle that. Otherwise all it is is desire, whether it be one-sided from Mordecai or mutual (I prefer it being mostly if not fully one-sided bc it's more angsty and that gives me life but it could go either way)

Mordecai is emotionally and romantically repressed to all hell and back. The comment Tracy made about him being asexual 'either naturally or out of his own choice' is particularly notable here, as it could totally be interpreted as him purposefully ignoring and suppressing both his sexual and romantic desires just as much as him just being ace/aroace AND THIS CONNECTS to vikdecai because he does so because he doesn't want to admit to himself he's in love. He doesn't want to admit to himself he's in queer love. And he doesn't want to admit to himself that he's in queer love with his coworker, Viktor, who's one of the closest and most trustworthy people in his life, who's bond with him could easily shatter if he finds out and rejects him

Once he can properly identify what he's feeling and figures out he has said desires, ESPECIALLY towards Viktor, he becomes more hostile and argumentative with him to compensate for that and convince himself into thinking he never felt that way. See paragraph above

BUT bottling up his emotions in such a way backfires for him and in a moment of weakness he releases all of that pent up need and they make out or fuck or whatever and then pretend it never happened afterwards and this cycle repeats until mordecai leaves for marigold .

That's how I view vikdecai. Two men who bury their feelings deep down and probably deal with some internalized homophobia who want eachother carnally and hate themselves for it (in the case of viktor it's because he has a wife and kid and in mordecais case he views it as weakness and a flaw to have an emotional soft spot for somebody, especially a coworker in such a dangerous field of work)

AND THEN there's more complications once you tie in the similarities and contrasts between his relationship with viktor and his relationship with nico BUT I'm not making much sense already anyways kgdcrhgdvc

#lackadaisy ♧ #lackadaisy #lackadaisy cats #lackadaisy comic #lackadaisy mordecai #mordecai heller #mordecai x viktor #viktor x mordecai #vikdecai

[allisonlol]

nsfw hcs for dark era dazai vs. current dazai?? 🤭🤭

a/n: oh man, coming back from my hiatus with this banger?! love this req sm...dazai's character development but only in the sexual aspect?? yessir. this ended up so long tho

warnings: nsfw (duh), pretty explicit descriptions of sex, some dubcon, second section is def more soft than the first, dazai being dazai (his name is the only warning y'all need tbh).

Comparing Dark Era Dazai vs. Current Dazai: NSFW HC's

Dark Era

where do i even start with this one lol

probably not as active as most ppl think he would've been at that time

in favor of hookups rather than looking for a committed relationship

^you gonna look me in the eyes and say dazai had plans for ANY kind of relationship back when he was in the mafia?? yea didn't think so

(not that current dazai really has that capacity either but...i'll get to that in time)

anyway, as i was saying: dark era dazai probably had like two or three hookups a month max?? just didn't have the time for much more than that tbh

compensates for this by being freaky asf tho

you name it, he's probably into it. knife, blood, gun play...

^nothing gets him going quite like holding a loaded gun to your head while railing ur shit

and he's just that level of psychopathic where you honestly can't fully trust him to not pull the trigger

enjoys this theme in reverse too; where you hold the gun to his head instead

^makes you keep your finger on the trigger, enjoying watching you struggle to not accidentally press down on it during your climax (if anything, he probably encourages you to)

big fan of tying you up or restraining you in some way: ropes, handcuffs, etc

having you at his mercy is a MUST. sorry but you won't catch him subbing anytime soon 🤷🏻‍♀️

looks for excuses to punish you. oh, you arrived two minutes later than the time he told you to meet him at? yea, you're getting spanked until you cry for that 👋🏻💥

the concept of a safe word doesn't really appeal to him at this time so, good luck with that (don't hate on me for this one y'all, the guy is a mafia executive)

^i feel like i have to elaborate on this so: dude’s not a total menace, if you were repeatedly & genuinely asking him to stop he would

faux sympathy king. looks down at you with fake concern as you sob

"oh, i'm sorry...does that hurt??" he's not sorry

not very vocal besides when he's degrading you

prefers to take you from behind so he can avoid your gaze (no emotional attachment at all here)

only likes eye contact when you're giving him head. the way your eyes tear up as he pushes your head down on his length does something to him

Current

can i just say that this post is turning out a lot longer than i had planned...this is months' worth of thoughts that have been floating around in my mind

anyway

ADA dazai is a near 180 from mafia dazai

while he definitely still has issues when it comes to emotional attachment, i can see him being much more open to having a relationship (if you disagree, just humor me for the sake of this post)

contrary to popular opinion, i think dazai wouldn't participate in hookups that much (at least not as often as he used to)

^only frequently sexually active after obtaining you as his s/o tbh

still as talented in the bedroom as he used to be, tho 💫💫

much more tame with the kinks, doesn't see the appeal of gun/knife play anymore

primarily because he wouldn't want to hurt you in any way, so the thought of holding a weapon to you is in no way pleasurable

a lot softer and emotionally in tune with you in general

favors positions like missionary & mating press; he HAS to see your face

very touchy as well. always running his hands up your sides, cradling your face, holding your hands etc...

also big on eye contact now!!

still has a thing for seeing you cry, but only from pleasure, not pain

^either overstims or edges the fuck out of you to achieve this

prefers to give rather than receive. has spent (literal) hours with his head between ur legs

fav spot to kiss you is ur thighs and neck btw 💳💥💳💥💥💳💥

doesn't care about dynamics as much. fine with subbing or domming (has a tendency to dom tho; likes the control it gives him)

still likes to restrain you, but only with his strength rather than things like ropes

^detecting a size kink with the way he loves to pin you down..? 🤨🔎

very vocal. has the prettiest moans too?? a mixture of low groans that build into whiny, uneven breaths when he's close

taglist: @deadmitochondria @miycutie @chuuyasboots @shy-socially-awkward-intovert @beandaifuku @sonder-paradise @irethepotato @serenareiss

#bsd x reader #bsd x y/n #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs #bsd x you #dazai x reader #dazai x you #dazai fluff #dazai x y/n #dazai hcs #dazai smut #bsd scenarios #bsd smut #dazai imagines #dazai headcanons #chuuya hcs #chuuya x reader #dark era dazai #bsd imagines

[ryuichirou]

Alright, random question but what are your headcanons about which of the TWST boys are affectionate? You know, like they love cuddling, leaning on or just being close to whoever. Not to necessarily instigate anything, they just like being touchy-feely.

Another episode of “Ryu thinks that it’s going to take 20 minutes but ends up talking a whole lot” lol Thanks for your question, Anon! Even though you asked about them being affectionate, I think I ended up talking about them liking or not liking skinship… which isn’t necessarily wrong I guess, but still.

I hope you enjoy this list nonetheless. And thank you for the wait!

Riddle –  the perfect example of “he isn’t affectionate, but he likes affection”. He would complain if he got hugged, but it would actually feel very good. HUGGED, NOT SQUEEZED! >:( STAY AWAY, FLOYD! Although after Floyd attacks him with his tight hug and then releases him, Riddle starts feeling his surprising pleasant sting in his shoulders and thighs. Maybe he does like tight hugs…Not from Floyd though! Also, if Riddle gets overly emotional, he might hug someone, but he’ll get embarrassed about it.

Ace – he is at the stage of his life when he thinks that public displays of affection is cringe, even if it’s in a friendly way. But he still does a lot of physical stuff: he ruffles hair, grabs hands, leans on people and stuff. It’s not unusual for him to use Deuce as an armrest lol But hugs and all this stuff – he doesn’t like it.

Deuce – similar to Ace, but he is a bit more reserved these days. He used to be more physical though, because his delinquent senpais were very comfortable with each other physically. In a way, Deuce and Ace are also pretty comfortable with each other. They fall asleep together quite often: while sitting on a bench during recess, after PE on a mat, on a couch or even on their beds. If one of them starts dozing off, chances are, someone is going to find them sleeping together and drooling all over each other.

Trey – he would’ve been more openly affectionate if he didn’t try to stay neutral at all times. But Trey just can’t stop balancing between being not too friendly and not too distant, can he? Still, he could squeeze one’s shoulder, occasionally ruffle hair, but in general he is a “thumbs up” type of guy. But if he’s alone with someone he likes (Riddle yes), he would hug, caress his back, play with his hair and in general act like he’s compensating, being very greedy about it.

Cater – he’s pretty touchy-feely. He loves hugs, squeezing his cheek against another person’s cheek to take a selfie, he loves cuddles and holding hands, but he himself isn’t even sure how much of it is genuine. His go-to is to try to hug someone and get clingy anyway; whether he really likes it or not, touching another human being feels great. Wow I made him sound like an alien…

Leona – nah, he isn’t really affectionate. In theory, he wouldn’t mind napping with someone, but in actuality it would only make him super annoyed. It makes him remember all the times he and Falena used to sleep together as cubs, and he doesn’t like thinking about it.

Ruggie – he would be affectionate if he liked at least one person in this hellish school lol He feels like he doesn’t really need to be affectionate, there is just no point. Sometimes he thinks that Leona would want him to be, but Ruggie thinks that if Leona wants it, he could just ask for it, otherwise Ruggie won’t even bother. That being said, he ruffles Jack’s hair sometimes as a friendly gesture. Not often though, Jack’s too tall.

Jack – mega affectionate good boy who tries very hard not to get too touchy. If he didn’t hold back his urges, he would’ve grabbed people’s arms, hands, lean to them, smell them, nuzzle people’s necks with his cold nose, do a lot of ehhh dog skinship I guess. But in reality he feels way too awkward about these things, so he doesn’t do it often.

Azul – yes and no. He loves touching other people, but it’s more about asserting dominance, not showing affection. But even though he rarely shows it, Azul likes physical affection – he used to be cuddled a lot by everyone around him, so if he is way too happy he could hug and even kiss someone (if they’re close enough of course). He also never does it, but he loves to cuddle, but his cuddling style is cursed. Somehow, even when he’s cuddling, Azul is never fully relaxed, so he just squeezes his cuddle-buddy with his limbs so hard that he (mostly Idia) can’t even move… It also hurts afterwards…

Jade – not affectionate at all, his body language is as cold as his eyes. He is grabby, but it’s the observing/learning kind of grabby + the type of grabby to freak people out. I honestly can’t imagine a situation in which Jade would want to cuddle, other than maybe if he knows that a person he tries to cuddle would get scared or super mad. Because in that case he’s the cuddliest person alive! ^^ Cuddling is just a tactic to him to get what he wants, even if he just wants a reaction.

Floyd – he is a bit more cuddly than Jade and much more physical than him, he is one of the touchiest people in the cast. This is just how he talks to people, he plays with their clothes, hair, fingers, everything… but I guess it also doesn’t mean that he is affectionate at all. A lot of it depends on his mood, and every once in a while I can picture him wanting to grab someone and cuddle, but I think in general cuddling is pretty boring to him. Well, only if he can move around and touch his prey everywhere!

Kalim – the cuddliest bastard in the world. Skinship never ends. He hugs people he’s just met, he shakes hands, he high-fives, he clings to people, rests his head on their shoulders, touches everywhere. And it isn’t always obvious if he is being flirtatious or just playful, because he always seems flirtatious… but in fact it’s just him being friendly and very affectionate. He kisses his friends’ cheeks when he feels like it, why not? The only person he doesn’t do it all the time with is, ironically, Jamil, because Jamil always says “Kalim, don’t…” and sighs deeply. Every once in a while Kalim doesn’t bother him… every hour in a day.

Jamil – maybe it’s due to the fact that he has been overcuddled by Kalim for his entire life, but he isn’t very affectionate. He would prefer not to touch anyone and for others not to touch him. But unlike some others touch-me-nots on this list, Jamil doesn’t have the same awkwardness that comes to not being a hugger, for example. He is confident, he knows how to touch people and how to make affectionate gestures, he also knows how to respond to this kind of stuff (he’s way too used to it); he just doesn’t want to be touched. I feel like he wouldn’t even be able to cuddle properly, because he is never 100% relaxed.

Vil – he seems very unapproachable, but this is him always keeping TPO in mind. He is a Pomefiore Housewarden, and while it doesn’t mean that he can’t show affection, he thinks it’d be inappropriate for him to go around hugging people for no reason. He is pretty cuddly when he is alone with his loved ones, be it Rook (although Rook overpowers him when it comes to affection), Epel (this one is pretty rare lol), his dad (Vil is probably the most affectionate with him) or Ortho (he deserves all the cheek kisses when he is being a good boy).

Rook – one of the most physical and cuddly people in the cast. We’ve seen him grabbing and hugging people tightly a couple of times in the main story lol And this is him trying not to act too wildly! But sometimes he just can’t help his emotions. He really loves hugging and touching people, and just like with Kalim, sometimes he takes it a bit too far for it to be a friendly type of gesture, but unlike Kalim, he is much more aware of it. When it comes to intimacy with his loved ones, sometimes he wants to do nothing but to have sex and cuddle, but luckily for Vil (and all of us) he has a lot of stuff to do, a lot of people to hunt and a lot of irons in the fire, so their cuddling sessions usually last for an hour max.

Epel – sometimes he is pretty cuddly! When he is in his giggly mode, he could even get a little clingy. I feel like he was surrounded by ehhh physical warmth and cuddles?? Since he was the only kid in his village and he always got treated with adoration. But if someone was to address the fact that he is clingy, Epel would get angry and embarrassed…

Idia – he is so touch-starved and so isolated and asocial that I wouldn’t call him affectionate; he prefers to keep his hands to himself, and if it was possible he would hide his entire self in a pocket of his jacket and never come out of it. That being said, while it is super difficult, it’s not impossible to get him to cuddle, but it’s more of a “his loved one cuddles HIM and he allows it while secretly enjoying it a lot” type of thing. But I also think he enjoys rough treatment more lol

Ortho – he wasn’t designed to be affectionate, but he does pick up on things that he sees around or in the movies. Sometimes he implements some of these actions (hugs, hand holding, back rubbing) in his programme just to check which ones Idia reacts strongly to. Of course, he remembers all this data and uses it when needed~ Real!Ortho would be super affectionate and physical though, pretty close to how Kalim is.

Lilia – medium level, but closer to a high level. He is not a grabber/hugger, but a poker/tickler lol He would pat heads, scratch chins, play with hair and do this kind of stuff. He isn’t a huge fan of cuddles, but he enjoys them more now that he’s older and likes being lazy.

Silver – he is one gentle kid. He isn’t actively affectionate, i.e. he doesn’t hug and stuff, but when he does enjoy falling asleep next to someone or on someone else’s shoulder or lap. Sitting on someone’s lap is also a very comforting thing to him, as it reminds him of Lilia, but he doesn’t allow himself to do that anymore: he is too old for that. So, isn’t necessarily affectionate himself, but loves being petted, caressed and scratched.

Sebek – he is very physical, but not affectionate. Maybe it’s because he is still young, but he doesn’t want to show this “gentle” side that he might or might not have: it feels more natural for him to grab and pull. It’s not like he would completely hate cuddling if he was in a situation with someone he really really loves (*akhem* Malleus), but isn’t not something that he even thinks about all that often. And if Silver falls asleep on his shoulder… Sebek’s going to push him away (almost💕) every time!

Malleus – depends on a person and on his mood; for the majority of time he isn’t very physical, but he does crave this kind of thing sometimes. Mostly he would just hold hands or do this kind of stuff, but neither Lilia nor Sebek are the type to do that with him (Sebek would pass out lol). Malleus used to be more cuddly when he was younger, there was a period of time when he would always nuzzle to Lilia’s neck or chest and hug him tightly, but as he grew older he kind of stopped doing that. It’s a very vulnerable thing to him I guess.

#replies #headcanons

[kiirotoao]

HEYY YOUR SO PRETTY BTW AND I LOVE YOUR BLOG

the ask :

so, i wanted to get ur opinion on s3 mike. such as, what he was going through and his internalized homophobia. things like that!

maybe some things w/ him and his relationship w/ el too!

THANKS FOR ANSWERING IF U DO ANSWER :D

I’m gonna pretend that I’m fine after weeks of getting flustered just staring at this in my inbox! Thank you, anon!!! 🥺🥺 You’re making me blush! But, uh, anyways! Let’s talk about Mike Wheeler! 💙

I think that Mike in season 3 is the most interesting version of himself in the entire show because of how hidden his story becomes. In all other seasons, Mike cries openly with other people and expresses his sadness and fears over Will and El.

In season 3, though? Besides the finale, the tearful goodbyes narrated by Hopper, we never see Mike truly cry and explicitly talk through why. Sure, it can be pretty readily implied that it’s because of the Byers leaving, but we don’t hear that aloud. We don’t see exactly who’s on Mike’s mind as those cars pull away. We're left with silent and unsure stares, looks of seeming regret or something else unknown.

Season 3 is truly a huge turning point for Mike, he’s losing his girlfriend and arguably his closest friend in the Party, and it's so easily overlooked because it all happens at the very end of the final episode. Whereas El goes through hell and fights to connect to Billy and save her friends, where Max also feels the weight of his loss, where Will gets his heartbreaking scene at Castle Byers - all the Party members who are very linked to Mike get their emotional moments that season, and we know exactly why they cry.

But Mike dances around his emotions all season long. In consulting Lucas to deal with breaking up and making up with El, in trying to tell El that he loves her without ever saying it, in fighting with Will because "it's not [his] fault [Will doesn't] like girls."

Oh, Mike. I really don't think that Mike was out to hurt Will when he said that. Rather, it's a culmination of heteronormativity and the poor relationship that he has with El and trying to compensate for it. I interpret the outburst as him saying, 'it's not my fault that I'm in a relationship and you're not, so you wouldn't get it.' And by extension, Will being in a relationship would require, normatively, being with a girl.

But at the same time, for a jab that deep - I can't help but question more.

Mike could have said, "it's not my fault you don't like anyone!" or "don't bring her into this!" or even as simple as, "you wouldn't understand!" But no. Mike takes the direct train to sexuality station and brings up the fact that El is a girl. So it seems to me that Mike is very likely harboring something in his heart about why El being a girl is important for him to argue.

But we never know for sure. This moment is never addressed again due to the Mind Flayer’s sudden return. And so it’s up to us as the audience to decide what we think of Mike’s statement. And personally, as I’m sure many of you believe, too, I think that Mike is projecting and trying to hide the fact that he doesn’t like girls onto Will, pushing away his problems to someone he trusts who’s more similar to himself than he realizes.

Tied to his inability to say to El’s face that he loves her, to the fact that they've - reportedly from Hopper - kissed all Summer long with no mention of meaningful conversation, to the very surface-level relational mending his makes by calling El’s outfit “cool” and giving her candy, to the very end of the season where Mike once again denies saying that he loved El just before an open-eyed kiss and a face like this:

Mike doesn’t need to say anything about that kiss for me to know that that’s not the reaction of someone who’s perfectly happy to be back together with his ex-girlfriend. So do I wish that we had a moment of vulnerability for Mike where he expressed his heart in season 3? Yes, but his nonverbals spoke volumes.

So, yeah, I think that in season 3, Mike is very much gay, but he he acts cautiously and self-preservingly because trauma is drowning everything out.

And what is this trauma? I know that I’m working backwards, but I need to bring up that Mike was separated from El for so long in the time of season 2, and I think that that makes him so attached to her in season 3. Think about what else he says in that scene when he admits his love: “I love her and I can’t lose her again.”

As sweet as it is to be reunited to El by the end of season 2, it’s not a clean reunion for Mike. He’s in shambles when he learns that Hopper was lying to him and not letting El even tell Mike that she’s okay.

Not to mention that this isn’t his first but second time almost losing her to the monster that season.

Because of this unstable connection, I think that Mike has built a protective relationship with El, one that focuses on keeping her rather than knowing her, and we see how that all unfolds with his superficial “superhero” complex he has of her in season 4. Season 3 was just the beginning.

And so I think that Mike in season 3 stands as a version of himself that’s confused protectiveness with love. Even though he arguably behaves with that same mindset all the time, it’s at its highest during season 3 because of his never-ending insistence to help El even if she’s capable to do things by herself. Mike isn’t just clingy, he’s worried. Worried for her life. There’s no time to worry about where the problems in their relationship arise, there’s only time to fix them and go back to how they were at equilibrium - when things were normal.

Thus, Mike behaves rather stubbornly. He’s insistent and defensive, not letting a single thing slip through the cracks and risk any more hurt. In doing so, his personality is left far under the surface and unexplored. He only acts to stir up emotions rather than reflect on them, because any pausing to think will only confuse him more. He’s looking ahead, looking at the light, holding onto everything good he has with all the propriety of a 13/14-year-old who has a heart bigger than his head.

Simply put, Mike is a bit of an anti-hero this season. And I think that it's because of this that he starts to get most controversial for the audience.

I’m clearly a Mike apologist, but I genuinely don’t think that he’s out to hurt anyone when he argues with others this season. He’s just stubborn and loud about it, which can definitely be to his fault at times. But in the end, when it comes down to who he loves, I think that season 3 is the era of change, and that ending scene with Hopper’s letter paints the perfect setup for the next seasons to reveal that Mike has a lot more going on under the surface that’s causing all of this. Maybe some regrets, things he wishes he could “turn back the clock” on, regarding, say, Will and El and how he treats them platonically and romantically? Just a thought.

The question of the day for Mike in season 3 stands: is he being selfish or selfless? And I think that it’s a mix of both, blended in with some heavy confusion due to role changing (not needing to protect El) and uncertain affections (not knowing how to figure out what he has with Will).

So, yeah. All in all, I think that Mike is really closeted in season 3 and doesn’t realize it until the final episode, and I honestly love him for it. As someone who’s gone through similar hurdles of internalized homophobia as a teen, it’s really heartwarming to see him grow and figure things out, even if the journey is far from perfect. It’s a humble origin story. And if he somehow ends up being straight and Byler isn’t endgame, well. I’ll be upset at the writers, but the impact still stands.

#Mike wheeler #byler #byler analysis #mike wheeler analysis #asks my beloved <3 #Mike is my second favorite character but always first in my heart to talk about and analyze #he’s just so babygirl #THANK YOU AGAIN ANON!!! #I wanted to reply sooner but it’s Mike so I just kept going 😂