#anyway i feel anxious and shitty and the worst part is i don't know how to express it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

daythieving · 7 months

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log 191123

felt like garbage today. i haven't showered in three days, and i'm starting to feel very anxious about literally everything. i kind of constantly feel overwhelmed by everything, kind of like when you walk through a windstorm and it's ripping at the edges of your clothes and you can't see and your hair is in your eyes and mouth and you can't hear. i've been worrying about my girlfriend. i know something's up, but she doesn't want to talk to me about it because i have a lot going on. her heart is in the right place, but i love her, and i care so much about her that it's hard to even think sometimes. i don't think i've experienced so much love towards another person in my life. i'm worried she's upset with me, but i'm constantly worrying about messing up anyways. the thing is i know i won't, i'm not a massive piece of shit, but i don't know what i would do if she ever left me. i'm not sure if that's a healthy thing to think, but it's the truth. in honesty i think i'm worrying so much because i had i dream last night that i was dating the girl i used to be in love with in high school. it's so stupid because i think i'd rather kill myself than ever try to be with her. she's also straight, and also hates me, and i also hate her, so it's pretty clear that something like that would literally never happen. but it's been bothering me so badly and i can't really talk to anyone but you about it, because on the surface level dreaming about dating a girl who isn't your girlfriend sounds like a pretty shitty thing to do. but that's the thing, again, i wouldn't ever want to date some random fucking girl who permanently damaged my self esteem and made me start doing some not-so nice things to myself. i would rather be beheaded. i genuinely think it's because i saw my ex the other day at work (we were all friends) and i've been thinking a lot about that whole situation again. it's such a sick fucking joke for my brain to conjure up some bullshit like that. i'm disgusted. it also doesn't help that i saw another person who was friends with her today at work, again. why is it so hard not to be haunted? my life has been one of great misfortune, or something like that. but seriously, sometimes when i let everything get to me, the only thing i can think about is what the fuck did i do to deserve this? my girlfriend always says i'm too hard on myself, and i think it's from years of trying to rationalize why my life keeps repeatedly falling apart. i must be doing something wrong, i must be a bad person, i must be bringing this upon myself. when i think about it, every group of friends i've ever had has fallen to bits. i'm not even exaggerating. from middle school right to university, i have repeatedly experienced friend groups falling out. it always seems to be my problem. so when you constantly feel like you're the problem, you start to believe that you're the worst person to ever walk this earth and that you need to be executed by a firing squad. i wish i could just turn back time and stop everything from happening the way it did. i don't care about learning my lesson anymore. how many more lessons do i have to learn? i want to be happy. i want to be happy so badly. not just fleetingly, i want to happy, i want to be content. i want to be at peace all of the time. i'm so tired of momentary bliss. i want to make friends, i want to talk to other people, i want to connect with the world around me. but it's physically impossible. i think i'm just destined to be solitary. i'm tired of trying to be let in, like everyone is part of some secret party and i can only sit outside the window and beg to come inside. i feel like an idiot. i look like an idiot. i make a fool of myself every time they open the door. i think it's just better this way. i got too off topic, i apologize. this is the longest log i've written so far.

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31mmstudios · 3 years

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It's not your fault there's no time to rest

While I'm a staunch advocate for discipline as part of maintaining good mental health, there is something I feel I need to say:

I know you're trying.

I recalled the time I was at my worst burnout. There were quite a few actually, but the worst ones made me physically sick. I was already pre-diabetic to begin with, then it elevated into Type 2 diabetes. I also developed allergies and began to experience really disruptive anxiety that a doctor once couldn't tell it apart from a heart attack and hooked me up to all these machines with a ton of I-dunno-what's IV'd into my arms.

To this day, the sound of consistent beeping that isn't from a microwave brings back tremors and cold sweating because it's so reminiscent of all the times I was in the ER. And this was all because I tried to work through my burnout instead of fixing it.

And because I survived it, sometimes I tend to over simplify my trauma to uplift myself when I feel powerless. So then I have this very energized way of talking about surviving burn out that I turn into a motivational speaker and somehow lose some sense of empathy. Am I making sense?

Anyway, I was disgusted at myself for becoming like that, so I went back to the drawing board to be reminded that when I was burnt out, I just wanted empathy. That's it. I didn't want advice, to be preached to, or a ticket to see some motivational speaker who'll kick my ass into my ideal future self.

I just wanted to know someone got me.

So, I wrote this post to tell you, the reader, something very important that I wish I was told in my darkest, most difficult moment of my burnout...

If you are burnt out right now, I want you to know that I see you trying. I want you to know that I see you stuck beyond your control in a job or school setting that is squeezing the life out of you.

I know you want out. I know you're trying you're best. But because times are shitty as they are, quitting has become a luxury. Sometimes your best manifests and seems like a very weak, not good enough effort. But that's not true.

Your best is going to be rough because you're hurt.

What should we expect when we're spent, worn out, and our tank is empty?

It would be so insensitive if anyone, including yourself, expected you to be at your record best at a time like this.

While it's true that our lives are in our hands, our hands can only carry so much. And right now, your hands must be full of the burden to survive a time run by dick bags who forget you're a human being*.

** HUMAN BEING (n.) - NOT A MACHINE OR ANIMAL

You were dealt some shitty cards. As far as I'm concerned, you're doing a great job of getting through this.

Survive the way you can and know how to.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that your best now deserves to be compared to your best when you were at your demi-god form and everything was going right in your life.

Your best varies depending on your situation.

A person who is filled to the brim with passion can endure anything, even if it meant cutting off their limbs. But look at this situation. We're two years into a pandemic and there are still people who act like there are no mental health consequences from this. You've been robbed of the chance to replenish your passion.

But you're still here.

That's something to be so fucking proud of.

You've survived 100% of your worst times before. You'll survive this too.

You are adaptable, resourceful, enduring, and you still manage to have space to worry about the people around you. You're flourishing even if you don't feel like you are.

What I just hope for you is that you remember you.

While it's a maze of traps to find time to rest in this situation, I hope you develop self-forgiveness. I hope you forgive yourself for not being as passionate and driven as you used to be, because it's not your fault you have so much less to work with now.

I also hope you remember this is temporary. All things are temporary. Please don't believe your anxious thoughts when they visit, because anxiety lies to you.

And though there's so much more I'd want to say, I think it's a good time to end on this note:

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, and this situation is not for nothing. Trust that from your suffering comes a deeper sense of self.

To have become a deeper man is the privilege of those who have suffered. - Oscar Wilde

Remember: life doesn't get better, you do.

Be well,

Miel

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running-in-the-dark · 3 years

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I've seen several posts today that made me think about school and I.. can't handle it? I can't think about school without wanting to scream so I need to talk about it to get it out of my head. This is probably going to be long and embarrassing.

I was bullied pretty severely in school. In elementary school it was fine, my friends and I were weird but we did our own thing and nobody really bothered us. And I was too busy being anxious and stressed about absolutely everything to care much anyway. But in high school it was bad. I dreaded going to school so much that I eventually just... stopped going. It wasn't just the other students, the teachers were just as bad really. I often couldn't do my homework (my home life wasn't normal, that's the nicest way I can put it) and would get yelled at or shamed for it every time, and I couldn't participate in class because I was so terrified that I couldn't remember any of the answers. I was also the only poor kid in a class of snobby kids from wealthy families (there were one or two from more average households but I was the only one who was actually poor).

I didn't go to school for weeks at a time starting in 6th grade (that made the bullying even worse when I did go). And no one cared. There was one teacher who called me at home once. She wanted to know if everything was okay, which it obviously wasn't, but I thought I was in trouble so I said yes of course it is (she was a wonderful teacher, and I don't know if she could have done more, but it still feels pretty shitty looking back on it now).

And that was that. My parents didn't care, my teachers didn't care, no one listened when I said that all I want is to go to a different school. I missed pretty much half of every school year until I dropped out six months before I would have graduated in grade 13. That's eight years. No one ever gave a fuck. I was a child. And no one did anything. Well - apart from constantly screaming at me that I was stupid and lazy and generally an awful person. Which certainly did not help me feel any safer at that fucking school.

So. I'm really fucking ashamed every time school comes up in any conversation (which happens surprisingly often). I did go to a different school two years after dropping out and got the best grades in my class (and the entire school actually; I'm not saying that to brag but because I feel worthless as a person if I don't, which is fun) so I'm clearly not 'stupid'. The difference was that the teachers there were amazing and kind and they cared about their students. And the kids in my class were far from perfect but they were mostly nice. It really would have been as simple as letting me go to a different school when I was 12 or something.

The reason that I finally dropped out was my English teacher, by the way. She did a really shitty thing that I'll probably never get over and I would have failed English because of it (the only class I was still getting good grades in, and the only class I cared about). I still can't think about anything related to Shakespeare without wanting to cry because what she did was related to that (how are you supposed to explain that to people? Oh no I don't like Shakespeare because even hearing/seeing his name makes me want to die? That's not very practical.) 🙃 It's ridiculous but that was one of the most traumatic things that's ever happened to me (it was objectively not that bad, certainly not worse than a lot of other things that have happened to me, which makes me feel like an absolute idiot for still being so affected by it 10 years later).

The worst part of it all is that no one can relate to most of this. This is not a normal thing that happens to lots of people. I've found that it's almost impossible to explain it to 'normal' people (like therapists or friends or people at uni or anyone else really). They can't believe that nobody did anything (it's not that surprising that my parents didn't notice or care that I'm probably neurodivergent, they didn't even care about this). Or they think I'm a terrible person because who does that? Who is like that? Not normal people that anyone wants to talk to. So I'm ashamed and I can't talk about it with anyone and the few times I've tried, I get such bad emotional flashbacks that I can't stop shaking and crying. It's great.

TL;DR I'm a mess.

#this started with that Ben Willbond tweet from earlier. I cried for half an hour after reading that.#I don't know #the thought of people that I care about being treated badly especially when they were kids just. breaks me.#and the thought that this shit doesn't ever really go away and I'll always be affected by it... fuck.#I thought it would eventually just get better with time but nope it doesn't.#I need to shut up now. this has been my daily way too personal post I guess #(I know I need therapy. I'm aware of that <3)#trauma #personal

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a-mended-pact · 3 years

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Unsteady Keys: Chapter 9

A/n: Hey everyone. I hope you're all doing well. I'm pretty proud of this chapter. Please let me know what you think.

Warnings: this chapter does contain flashbacks, mentions of slightly toxic relationships. Mentions of Spencer's mom. Panic attacks. If there are anything more to add let me know

Requests are open

Word count : 3,024

It's been a couple of hours since we've gotten to work. I couldn't find Spencer anywhere. I needed to tell him that there was a lead on Lindsey due to Simmons giving Ethan a cognitive interview. I had called him a handful of times and gotten no answer. Which is weird but with everything that's happened he has every right to have some alone time. I was still trying to call him when I found him in Morgan's old office. I don't know why I checked the cafeteria and the break room first. I felt myself facepalm as I looked around the room.

He was in a daze and hadn't even noticed my presence until I moved myself into the floor across from him. I leaned against the desk for support as I looked up at him. He glanced at me and then looked away. The hand he was using to prop his head up seemed to tense.

'You smell like mint and your cologne.' I said it with a small amount of amusement. I knew he would change. It didn't bother me if anything. I'm surprised he even went to work with the smell of my essence laced into his skin and his breath. He nodded to acknowledge what I had said.

'Love? Is everything alright?' He looked at me then and held my gaze. 'I know I said I'd talk to Ethan too but I can't seem to bring myself to. Seeing him for longer than a couple of hours has me remembering things with him so intensely.'

A soft comforting smile formed on my face as I gently grabbed the hand that rested on his knee and squeezed. 'There's a lead on Lindsey. I was going to leave with the rest of the team to go check it out. If you wanna stay here I can tell Em. Maybe you can get something more from Ethan. Then Matt did. ' I kissed his forehead gently.

Just like that. I left him to his own devices letting him figure everything out for himself. I was gonna need to tell Em he wasn't coming.

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I walked into the interrogation room with Ethan and undid his handcuffs immediately. I didn't like seeing him like an unsub. So until further evidence came about I wasn't going to treat him as such.

'You look like you've seen a ghost Reid. What's wrong?' I looked at him as I stood against the wall. 'Did- did you?- ' I found myself stuttering and searching for words. My hands moved about as if I were trying to grasp each word that flew around my mind until it formed a sentence. How do you speak to someone that you haven't spoken to in years? Not in depth anyway.

'You're a big hot shot Mr. FBI. Married, professor most likely with a couple books published or at least articles and yet you are still just the same man I adored back then.' He spoke with care and love in his voice as he watched my face blanch at what he said.

If it wasn't for the fact he has seen me this way before I would have been far more embarrassed then I was. My mouth was still opening and closing and my hands had finally stopped. 'Did you? Was it you? I- was it you that hurt me? With the blade?'

I had finally managed to collect my words and form a complete sentence even if it was laced with fear and sorrow. I was terrified he'd say yes. I was even more petrified if he said no. If he hadn't done it then I'd have nothing to hold against him.

There was no way I could remain upset about something that happened in college and it wouldn't make me seem like an upset child. I hadn't bothered to meet Ethan's eyes. I was honestly too afraid of what he'd see residing in my own.

I didn't hear him move and I didn't notice how close he got until he spoke. Making me jump and look out of the two way glass. This was a bad idea. I need to get out of here. I feel like the room is shrinking.

Ethan cupped my face and forced me to look at him. The fact that this was being recorded made me even more nervous. What if the rest of the team found out what happened between us.

I finally met his gaze. I knew my eyes probably reminded him of the first time he ever hurt me. This time had nothing to do with the kiss I walked in on years ago.

'Spencer.' As he spoke his thumb traced my jaw. 'I would never. I could never hurt you.' I laughed bitterly and flinched when his thumb met the side of my lips. 'This was a mistake. I - I need some fresh air'. I quickly rushed out, locking the door behind me.

I blew out a breath I didn't realize I was holding within my lungs as I felt my breathing start to quicken. I made my way to the roof of the building that no one really used. I slid down the door as I made it fully outside.

I watched as the sun began to set. The sky turned different colors until emerging me in full darkness besides for the buildings lights I closed my eyes. Why do I feel like a young adult all over again? Why am I letting him get under my skin? The worst part was that he isn't even trying to make me feel like this.

One minute I was on the rooftop the next I was in the band room of our college laying on the ground with my head resting on Ethan's jacket as he played the piano.

'I could fall asleep to the sound of you playing. You know.' I said as each key played from his fingertips. His cologne was all over me because we may or may not have been making out on the floor before I scolded him that he needed to practice. He had a big concert event coming up.

'I could think of better things to do in here than you falling asleep.' His voice was teasing, making me blush. It had only been a few weeks since our first actual time together and in all honesty it made me nervous just thinking about it. Ethan seemed to want to sleep together constantly. Which is fine. I loved having sex with him but sex was never something I thought I'd experience so I'd much rather be reading or learning something new.

Just the other day we got into an argument because I turned him down.

I was sitting in a lecture with the man that created the Behavioral Analysis Unit. The BAU for short. At the time, I didn't want to get laid. I wanted to learn more about how learning to understand a serial killer could help catch them. I was deeply intrigued and asked many questions as the lecture hall went on.

'You know you did ditch me for some cop I don't see why now would be a bad time to make up for it?

'A federal Agent is hardly a cop and if you can't remember his job at least remember his name. Jason Gideon.'

Ethan scoffed in small annoyance as he continued to play. Only this time the sound of the piano sounded like chase music. I felt like it should play in Tom and Jerry.

'You can't seriously be upset with me about that?' I said trying to sound calm and collected in reality I was upset. I originally went to college to learn all the things needed to be someone that taught others. I had been debating on changing my career path for sometime now and I think I finally found it.

'I think I wanna try to join the BAU. Gideon already told me with how interested I was in the lecture and with how smart I am. I'd make a great addition to the team.'

He smashed his fingers on the piano and groaned. 'Reid we already planned our future together. Do you really wanna give that up to join the FBI?' The way he looked at me was as if I had broken his heart. It's not that I had forgotten our plans after college. The only problem was that I used to be able to see that future and now I couldn't.

Since the class with Gideon and all the research I've done. Working for the FBI just made sense. It would cover everything for my mother's doctor's and Care facility. Plus being able to keep a great roof over my head and food in my belly. I suppose to Ethan not living life on the edge was boring.

I shook my head to escape the memory. Out of all the ones to have right now, why did that one resurface? My head fell in my hands as I combed my hair out of my face. My phone went off with a text from Y/n.

'Hey, so we found her abandoned hideout but it looks like she hasn't been here in a bit. I don't know if you've gone to see him or not but I figured you could maybe get more info? If you're feeling up to it of course. Otherwise he made a bond with Matt. He can try again when we get back.'

I sighed. I wasn't in the mood to see him again. I thought I could separate my feelings towards him from this case and I know I'm not doing it. Perhaps I should step back from this case. I should talk to Emily. I know I'd still have to deal with Cat ever so often but otherwise she was my wife's problem now. I slipped my phone back in my pocket and closed my eyes. Everything just seemed like too much right now.

'Seriously we are not doing this right now Ethan?' I was putting back on my clothes. Situating my hair as well. 'You are not going to make me late. I refuse to miss seeing my mother again because you can't not want to sleep with me when we are alone.'

I walked around him as I grabbed my bag to take with me to go see my mom. It held some overnight clothes. I had missed the last time they were going to allow me to stay. All because I gave in to Ethan's advances to make him happy. I loved him and when we weren't bickering things were fabulous. After a year of it though it's exhausting.

He caught me by my hips and pulled me to him. I swatted his hands away. He may not have wanted anything from me but a proper goodbye but I didn't want to give him the chance. I had already prepared myself mentally for the arguing that was gonna come from me turning him down. Me leaving him alone for long periods of time made me nervous.

He'd never done anything to make me anxious about leaving him. He'd only go to bars and play and have a couple of drinks with other musicians. I had accompanied him plenty of times. Nothing ever happened besides musicians talking about anything and everything underneath the shitty neon lights of the bar.

'Tell your mom I said hi and that I hope she's doing well. Also tell her I'm sorry I kept you away last time. I don't know what came over me. ' He cupped my face and went to kiss me but I turned my head slightly. Again. I'm not taking any chances. I'd happily lose anyone or anything as long as I still had my mom. He ended up kissing my cheek.

A sigh escaped him as he let me go. 'I'll see you when you get back. Yeah?' I nodded and smiled at him as I headed toward the door.

'Wait, Reid. I'll be going out tonight to play. I'll message you when I arrive and when I leave. I know how you worry. Tell me when you make it to your mom's. I love you. ' I smiled as I ran off to see my mom.

A groan escaped me. Why? I'm so sick of these memories coming up. I looked around the roof and let out another sigh. I really need to let what happens next go. Yet before I could stop my brain it quickly wraps me and surrounds me in the memory and as it unfolds like a movie before my very eyes. I kept my vision from blurring from the unleashed tears.

Time with my mom had gone by well from when I got there until now. She started having a violent episode one that if I had stayed would have ended in her calling me crash again. I'd never tell her she'd hit me. I just wanted comfort. So I came home early. Well to a place Ethan and I were renting together. I hadn't told him I was on my way home. So when I came home to an empty place I wasn't surprised. I quickly dropped off my things and ran to where I figured he'd be. The bar with his friends. It was rare anyone would be there right now actually drinking; they should just be setting their instruments.

Only when I came in I found Ethan behind stage with a girl's tongue shoved down his throat. There clothes slightly askew He pushed her away when he realized I was there. 'Spencer this isn't what It looks like!'

I just stood there frozen. I couldn't form a word, I could barely comprehend what I saw. When he stepped towards me. I turned away and just walked away. I felt like my heart had just been stomped into the ground after being clawed at unintentionally by my mother. I was broken.

That night I got multiple calls and texts from Ethan. I ignored them all. I ended up sleeping on a campus bench. Comfy truly.

I never fully spoke to Ethan after that day. Things with my mom got chaotic and I didn't have the time to focus on anything but getting my PhD and taking care of my mom. As long as I was busy I couldn't blame myself that I was too afraid to face Ethan. He broke my heart and I didn't even give him the opportunity to even try to explain himself.

That was ages ago though so why am I still thinking about it. Why won't my brain just shut up. I need to get back Inside. Maybe the team is back by now.

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Having to find Spencer recently was starting to become a habit. I looked everywhere for him everywhere besides outside. I finally found him walking in from the stairway that led to the roof.

'Hey.' I gave him a small wave and what I hoped was a reassuring smile. This case was getting to him for obvious reasons. He honestly hasn't looked this distraught since after he came back from prison.

His eyes widened slightly. 'Good you're all back already then?' I nodded. My eyes didn't want to leave him. I knew something had happened. I just didn't know what. Pushing him was never something I had done and I wasn't gonna start now. Maybe I'll just bring it up a little to see if he decides to tell me. If not then it can wait until he sorts out his mind.

'So we didn't find Lindsey. We did find a couple of things though. Photos of you in Mexico. Photos of you even in the prison yard. Among others of max and you and us together. Lindsey appears to be stalking us. Maybe it was something Cat asked her to do. Or maybe Ethan was the one taking some of the photos.' I looked away and was staring at my hands as my brain started putting small pieces together. Theories really.

Spencer grabbed my hand gently and brought it up so I'd follow it with my eyes. 'I am actually debating on taking a step back from this case. I was gonna tell Emily and see what she thought.' The smile he gave me didn't reach his eyes.

'Let's be honest it's probably for the best that I do. I know too much and I am far too involved, especially with Cat and Ethan both being a part of this. It's just more than I think I can handle. I could be wrong. Maybe I just need a day to breathe. I'll have to figure that out though.'

He placed my hand on his face and all I could do was rub my thumb across his jaw. I let out a small laugh suddenly. Which surprised him. 'I'm sorry it's not funny! I just kept thinking that If I pushed hard enough on your jawline would it cut me?' It was a terrible time for me to not be able to keep things to myself. He needed me serious, right?

A laugh bellowed out of him and I could see some of the stress and pain he was carrying with him lift a little. I myself smiled too when he pulled me into his chest. 'Oh how I love you and your random thoughts.' He moved his hand to cup my cheek and leaned in as if he were gonna kiss me.

One of our arrangements when we started dating was no PDA in the workplace if any, keep it always at a minimum. With what he was doing it was making me question if he was about to break that small rule. Not that I minded if he did or not though.

He stroked my cheek and smiled at me as he pecked the tip of my nose and walked away.

I couldn't help but scrunch up my nose the way a bunny would. It tickled. A smile formed on my face as I watched him leave.

Taglist:

@sassymoon @rainsong01 @onlyhereforthefanfics @itsdars @dreatine

#unsteady keys #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer x reader #spencer x you

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tuesdayx · 3 years

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So I thought it would be fun to do a song-by-song breakdown of our latest album Essential.

Essential started as some rough demos designated for a side project in late 2019, which then became our largest album to date in terms of song selection. Many of the themes deal with learning to cope with the changing world thanks to Covid, with a perspective of someone who had to keep working at an "essential" job with no option of self-quarantine. I was happy to continue working and being able to pay my bills over the past year, but there was always elements of stress, fear, and tension lingering over myself and everyone else in my position.

So here we go; starting from the top let's look at the Songs of Tuesday X's 6th album Essential.

1. Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams: the title was a reference to the 9/11 conspiracy memes, which as stated in the opening lines, "has nothing to do with this song." Written in January of 2020 before Covid had made any significant impact in the US, the song touches on many themes which happened to occur throughout the year, such as [another] Californian forest fire (Australia too), new diseases (Covid), a riot (the BLM movement over the summer, which I will state everything that movement has been fighting for is 100% justified and the United States is in desperate need of Police reform, as does our political system which has remained inherently racist to this day.), Civil War (and exaggeration for sure, but the civil unrest and political division in our country will soon split us apart further), more corporate giants(companies like Amazon profited more from this Pandemic than ever before and have helped further the gap between the American working class and the top 1%). Favorite line: "I won't get philosophical, I only wanted your attention."

2. The Only Difference Between You and Me is a Sense of Apathy and Your Brand New Nikes: This song is a blithing criticism of the American political system. Our two party system has left Americans with a choice between "the lesser of two evils" and allows politicians with no true interest in our needs to rise to power. The use of 3rd parties as an alternative is a overly simple compromise that would only just begin to alleviate the problems created in our political system. Both of our main parties are considered conservative parties to the rest of the world, and any progressive measures that would benefit society and reduce the effects of climate change are considered radical and preposterous by politicians with financial stakes in our crooked system where corporatations hold control and the people are treated as fuel for an otherwise worthless currency. Favorite line: "Listen to the radio, they played my favorite song. Now I'm bored and wanting more."

3. Blame it on the Elves: the title is a reference to an episode of the Podcast "Lore" by Aaron Menke (i can't recall which episode, but you should check it out anyway because it's great listen.) An instrumental interlude inspired by ragtime music of the 1920-30's, with an edge of course.

4. Class of Dropouts: This song was written when I was 16 during my sophomore year of high school and was originally featured on my now unavailable album "trees" before adopting the Tuesday X monicker. I brought it back 6 years later because I loved how raw and punk it was. The lyrics are dorky but I decided to leave them as is, it's a cool track for high school stoners to blare and let out their teen angst. Favorite line: "Walking in on my friends fucking."

5. Polaroids on My Bulletin Board: This is a song about growing up. As a 22 year old (now 23) who decided not to go to college straight out of high school, I felt isolated from my peers in a way. By going into the workfield right away I sometimes feel like I skipped a few years and missed out on a lot of opportunities. I regret not leaving my hometown sooner than I did and chasing my dreams of being a touring musician in a band. More often than not I reminisce of my youth playing shows and getting into trouble, as I now feel old and out of place in a scene I grew up in. Favorite line: "I know what it's like to be alive, I know what it's like to live a lie."

6. Labradoodle Underpass: Going back on the theme of growing up, this is about my recent experience with shows as an adult. When I was a teenager I felt ambitious and ready for anything, and I would drop literally everything to go to the nearest show. As an adult I feel introverted and constantly anxious about the world around me. I've missed out on a lot of great shows due to my own self doubt's and anxiety. Now that shows have been canceled for over a year I feel even more regret by not appreciating them more while I could. Favorite line: "23 years and a lingering fear that anything could happen, why am I here?"

7. Some Shit: This was me trying to be modest mouse lol jangly guitars and half talking/half singing vocals describing the world around me. I guess in a way it was an exercise in writing character description and setting, but otherwise it's just a chill track that almost feels aimless at parts. Favorite Line: "it's just some shit I learned from a friend. Just some shit I learned when I was trying to prepare."

8: Woe is the World: On the album this is a chorus snippet that barely a minute long (the full version is available as a bonus track on bandcamp, and it was actually a demo that turned out better than the final version.) I originally wrote this song when I was 15 with a different set of lyrics, but I came back to it while writing this album and re-wrote it to reflect my mental state and the world around me. Overall, just another melancholy track in a sea of melancholy songs. Favorite line: "you've never felt more alone than you do now, was everything worth it in the end?"

9. Then Why Was it Named Gideon?: the title is a reference to a line in Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour (my favorite series) and like the first track on this album doesn't have much to do with the song. "Gideon" is a simple love song, talking again about how growing up sucks but having the right person by your side can make all the shitty times worth it in the end. Favorite line: "it's time to move on, you're taking too long."

10. I am Here, I'm Looking at Her, and She is Beautiful: This song is entirely about the book "Perks of Being a Wallflower". That's it. Nothing else, let's move on. Favorite line: "Over Christmas I read them a poem about a brown paper bag and the boy who wrote it."

11. Try to Be a Filter, Not a Sponge: Like the previous song, this one is also mostly about "Perks of Being a Wallflower", but with elements of my own experience with toxic relationships. I like to think of it as the character Charlie's experience with Mary Elizabeth overall though. Favorite line: "She called my favorite book washed out trash, said I have no taste and I'm still too sad."

12. Lavender Spray Bottle: This instrumental dates back to 2017. I recorded the guitar part as a demo on my phone and forgot about it. Over time I forgot how to play the guitar part, so I used the demo as a basis and layered everything else on top of it. The title is a reference to a bottle of water with lavender essential oils mixed in that my ex used to fend away spiders in the house we lived in at the time.

13. Hindsight is 2020: I will admit, this is my favorite song on the whole album and was actually the last to be written and recorded. With a simple guitar part and layers of vocals, this song is a direct reflection of life during the peak of the pandemic. With curfews in place and rising case counts, I had to learn to cope with life at home during my late nights away from work. My partner was quarantined during this time and I reflected on the mental strain this put on her. Favorite line: "Don't go to work, you need the money but you're not happy when you're there. Sometimes life is so unfair."

14. I Don't Know How to Deal With Serious Emotions Without Turning Them into a Fucking Joke: the title came from a meme I found on my phone from high school. The song itself was about my own inability to handle serious emotions without coming off as sarcastic. In both the music and lyrics, the song starts as a simple confession before exploding into raw chaos. Favorite line: "it's so hard. I'm so scared, what have I become?"

15. Say Hello to My Little Friend: the last instrumental on this album. A short haunting tune that reflects the final two tracks. The title is probably a reference to Rambo or something, but I never watched it and I thought it fit the feeling of this song.

16. Minneapolis: What became one of the most emotional tracks on this song actually began as a joke. My partner was snap chatting a friend one night and they asked me to write them a song on the spot. So I improvised the first two verses and chorus of this song, referencing her going to school there at the time. I found I actually liked what I had written however, so I refined the track and changed it from a sassy country song into a melancholic lament of my experience in the twin cities and southern Minnesota. Favorite line: "I miss Camp Snoopy, and Paul Bunyon's log flume ride that went around the whole damn mall."

17. Before the Sunrise: the final song on the album is an intimate look at my relationship with my partner. Through past experiences i have become riddled with self doubt and always looking at improving myself as a person. With hopes that one day I'll be the person I'd like to be for mine and their sake, it's an optimistic tribute to my best friend. Favorite line: "the cycle ends until the sun rises again, you're my best friend."

Thank you all so much! Check out Essential and our other music on Bandcamp, Spotify, Apple, and other places! I hope you all enjoyed this personal look at these songs that got me through the worst parts of 2020.

#tuesday x #emo #music #alternative #art rock #diy music #diy #midwest #underground #lyrics #essential #covid19

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seacreek · 5 years

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I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.

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jupiterm00n · 7 years

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Fucking I don't give a shit

I guess I'm in my relationship again. I don't know how it happened. For weeks it's just been me waiting for him to decide, and me having to deal with close nights that are fun and easy and like they used to be, with not wanting to it with talking about where we stand. But also nights of talking about it and having him say there's no way it'll ever work, because we can't change, even if we took a break. Then there are the night last when he agreed for a break, or he would consider trying again; and those were filled either with ok times, or it would be just like it used to be. I'd have a panic attack at the wrong time, or I would be emotional and scared and call him freaking out and he would feel like he had to help because I don't have many other people. Or he would be frustrated at me for not making a decision, or he would get frustrated because he would be busy and he would have to come be with my scared panicky needy self. And we agreed to try it, and I don't know how I feel about it. Not good now. It's started bad I told him what I wanted for a relationship, and he asked a bunch of questions for why I wanted certain rules, I was upset already when he asked and I was so anxious and didn't know how to say anything that wasn't self deprecating. I phrased everything poorly and occasionally he freaked out. He keeps saying he can't be with me if I don't respect myself at all. And I'm trying, and I do respect myself in an odd way. And I can't describe how I feel about it without getting backlash for how I actually feel. I do respect myself, I think i deserve the same as everyone else in certain respects. In the general sense, I respect myself. But it's when it gets into specific instances, in specific shades of myself I turn different. My outlook gets dark, and I believe that I'm the worst on the planet. That I'm a pitiful mistake of a human, and that I only mess up everyone's lives despite how much I love all the people I spend time with. Then my respect shifts. Sure I still believe I deserve respect in some way, but it's severely demolished and warped by my perception and rumination. In those cases I feel horrible and like I'm undeserving completely. I don't deserve happiness or love or even things like my body or food. It all gets warped, and can be caused by my impulsive panicked behaviors, or even by something as simple as eating something or weighing myself. I punish every behavior I make, I over apologize, I feel guilty, I overthink and try and backtrack every behavior; which generally leads to more self destruction, confusion from those around me, someone getting super angry at me, or even me lashing out at them in anger because I know their anger towards me will be much worse. I push people away and tease them to come closer, only to completely switch and hurt them or push them away farther. Then I go back, begging for them to forgive me for the confusion I caused. I go back completely broken and lucid, realizing that everything I had done had stemmed from a delusional thought that since everything was fine for a moment, that must mean that I'm fucking up or in some manipulative play where the other person will take off their mask. Only to reveal that they've always hated me and that they only stuck around because they didn't want to have to live with the thought that they were one of the only "friends" of a lifeless girl in a bodybag. I always go back, begging for forgiveness. Promising that I won't be as panicked I won't be as scared or irrational I won't say harsh things I won't rip out my hair and scratch my body until I bleed or give myself black bruises I won't cut my body open I won't burn my wrist I won't hit my head on corners until I bleed to make it stop I won't beg you to take me to the hospital I won't throw up I won't tell you over and over how I'm not hungry and that I don't want to or shouldn't eat, until you break and force me to eat something I won't scream I won't shake and shut down I won't call over and over begging for you to sit with me, scared that I can't be alone, apologizing over and over I won't scavenge for alcohol I'll stop splitting I won't try and kill myself I won't tell you I've tried to end it after the fact and brush it off like you wouldn't care anyway I won't put myself in bad situations I won't hurt you I don't know what to do I've done all of these recently, it's like I just get too scared and sad that all the guilt and shame of existing in my body and with my personality becomes too much. It takes over, and I'm back to the old manipulative behaviors. Not understanding my sadness or fear and not being able to hide it has caused issues. I used to lock it all down, but doing that for 17 years doesnt turn out well. And now when I can't control it it's explosive. I panic and cry at the thought of eating something, and I feel the same if I haven't eaten for a day or whatever and no one brings up food. It's like I get scared if they offer food, but if they don't or say nothing about eating, then I get scared and I rationalize it by thinking: "they're not bringing up food or offering it because you look healthy, you look good, you look fat enough already. They've seen you eat, most of them have seen you binge. They know you're a disgusting animal who doesn't care and will shovel any food into her giant mouth. They don't want to bring it up because they know you'll eat it all, and hey think you're fat already." And I can't stop these behaviors and thoughts I want to, I want to be good, but I was in an unhealthy relationship. I'm trying to get out of the unhealthy, abusive part, but a lot of the unhealthy parts and abusive parts are my fault. Either I unintentionally manipulate with things like food, or not being able to decide something out of fear of making the wrong decision, or I'm just too emotional or too much and it makes the other person fed up and react to my fear with anger or hatred. It all spirals I hate it I'm in a relationship again and the last 3 times I've seen him, we've fought horribly. I feel sick and I told him a summary of what's happened to me recently He said he felt sick and betrayed, we were broken up, but I fucked up. I don't know how to defend any action. Not at all. Because I hurt someone I love. He hurt me too, of course, but I seriously harmed things. I know I did. The things that happened though, I actually don't regret. At all. I finally felt kind of ok being in a situation like that. A situation that's happened lots this semester in other situations, by this was different. I felt ok, better than ok, I didn't feel shitty and I felt super guilty, but not for the interaction itself, just all the backstories behind it. It was the first time I felt ok and actually kind of safe? It's hard to describe But it's horrible that the one good interaction that I had that I briefly mentioned is causing all this pain in everyone. I feel so much guilt and sadness now, but I also still don't feel terrible Maybe that's cruel, but I don't know what to feel. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to keep beating myself up. The circumstances were all allowed and all ok, given the fact that I was not in a relationship, But I still fucked up And I don't know how to feel It's two extremes. I feel two extremes. How typical I guess I'm used to this, I just wish I wasn't

#personal #journal

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