#and what im getting to is that since i got off birth control this year i started finding random people attractive | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bonefall · 1 year

Note

I was never able to really get a feel for Leafpool's personality in the books, especially since she's always contrasted with Squirrelflight who has a pretty consistent personality (at least for Warriors standards). She's kind of like Hollyleaf where they change her personality depending on what they want to happen in the plot I think. How do you approach writing her? I'm really fond of your Spottedleaf, so I was wonder if Leafpool has any fun quirks like her.

[ID: Leafpool from Warrior Cats. She is chunky, has a mane, and green eyes. Her stripes are horizontal.]

I approach Leafpool as being VERY tired. Her life is characterized as never really being in control of her own fate, being punished for any simple pleasures she takes tenfold, so I write her as becoming very defeatist. Poor girl.

Because Leafpool is never in REAL control, somehow, it gives her this air that she's in total control. You can't scare her. StarClan can tell her that her kids are cursed, Hollyleaf can tell her to kill herself, Bramblestar can jump in front of her and snarl, she's never more than briefly phased. "Yeah sure this may as well happen."

In a way, she's almost the total opposite of Jayfeather, who never met a rule he wasn't willing to punch. It is interesting that each one of the Three has a unique relationship to the fate that chains up Leafpool.

Allows herself to love Mothpaw... war breaks out and Moth has to return to RiverClan.

Tries to warn Squilf about Brambleclaw in spite of StarClan wanting them to be together, first fight with her sister ever.

Runs off with Crowfeather, returns home to find out her mentor died before she could say goodbye.

Gives birth, allows Squilf to take them, eventually gets threatened by Hollyleaf.

(side note: i am considering leafpool's name being an honor title, with her old name being Leafstripe, and Squirrelpaw failing two assessments just like Nightheart)

But a big change in my rewrite is that the dramatic scenes that aren't consistent with that resigned sorrow go to Crowfeather. He's a complete and utter ham. Leafpool isn't out here trying to name Hollykit 'Crowkit' or confessing her unwavering love for him in front of his wife and child, THAT is Crowfeather making an ass of HIMSELF in front of that wife and child lmao.

Leaf's feelings are more complicated and repressed. Hard life.

On the bright side though, there ARE changes from canon so that the Clan has more nuanced feelings about her instead of her whole life being a nonstop beatdown.

Most of ThunderClan, which heavily leans Fire Alone, agrees that Leafpool did the right thing by giving her kits to Squilf to invoke the Queen's Rights. Sure she lapsed, but Fire Alone cats are softer on the Cleric's Vow in general.

Bramblestar demoting her in Cruel Season has a VERY mixed reception. It's Leafpool!! Leafpool Moonpool!!!

Her death many years later in the Sister Raid actually tanks Bramblestar's reputation. It was seen as cruel, pointless, and avoidable, and they lost a very popular and experienced Cleric.

(side note again: still considering how the 'unclear sign' plot beat is going to go in my rewrite, because i cannot imagine jayfeather not just lying about that. "yeah yeah yeah they said yes bramblestar, im supposed to heal this cat obviously. move.")

Misc Design Stuff:

She's got a mane that you can see on Dovewing too, since Dove is Leaf's grandchild now.

Like Sandstorm, uncle Longtail, and grandpaw Runningwind, Leafpool's stripes are horizontal.

I'm still doing research into what she has specifically, but Bonefall Leafpool is intersex. Those are stud jowls.

Considering the cat version of PCOS because it explains a lot; weight gain, a receding hairline that could be shared with Lionblaze, the jowls as a facial hair parallel, difficult pregnancy, etc.

Still doing my research though.

And lastly, Mothpool is endgame in this Rewrite. They can never be together officially, but it's about the yearning. It's about finding freedom with your escapist fantasy partner or being in shackles with your true love. She chose the CHAINS.

#BF Leaf and BF Spotty are like the NOTHING IN LIFE MATTERS meme lmao #Bonefall Leafpool #Bonefall Rewrite #Bonefall Po3 #Bonefall TNP #art #sketch requests

209 notes · View notes

juey20000 · 4 months

Text

The Cub Chapter 1

Warning: Explicit Language, brief mentions of sex acts

AN: Hello, everyone; this is my first fanfic. I became OBSESSED with The Bear and Sydney and Carmey and had a little fanfic idea come up in my head and decided to write it. I'd rewatched both seasons and I hope I didn't make the characters too out of character. The story takes place 2yrs after season 2, and Nat has a 1yr old girl; criticism is welcome, but be nice, please. Also, I'm not going to write smut for this fanfic; all sex acts will be in past tense or implied; Im not that good at writing smut. So I've decided not to write any, but if I do change my mind I will put the proper warnings for the chapter.

Summary - It happened so fast, one minute they were trying out new recipes at Carm’s apartment and the next they were ripping each other’s clothes off. It’s been two years since the opening of The Bear, business has been doing good and they are still working on getting a star and Uncle Jimmy finally got his money back. Natalie had a little girl, Amy, who is one and a half and Sydney and Carmy had been secretly hooking up for a year. Everything was going great.. until Sydney’s period came late.

Sydney stared at the two pregnancy tests, one was negative and the other was positive; what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

She had been feeling off for a few weeks now, certain foods either tasted like shit or had her running to the bathroom, her breasts were sensitive and sore, and she’s been having this terrible mood swings which would cause her to snap at everyone from Tina, to Carmy, she even snapped at Natalie at one point.

And she’s been having these weird food cravings all week.

After she missed her period she finally decided to take a pregnancy test, her heart started racing all she can think about is how disappointed her father would be, and how is she going to take care of a fucking baby while working at the bear? How is she going to tell her dad?

How is she going to tell Carmy?

Her and Carm has been hooking up for a year and a half now, but they been careful they were using condoms and she was on birth control, how the fuck did this happen?

Three sharp knocks on the bathroom door snapped Sydney out of her thoughts. “Yo Syd, you good in there?” Carmy asked while trying to open the locked door. “And why is the door locked?”

She had spent the night at his apartment like she had done every other night since they started hooking up. Sydney quickly grabbed the tests and the box and bag it came from, “Um, yeah just let me, FUCK!” Sydney dropped one of the tests behind the toilet while she was trying to clean up.

Another knock on the door “Hey Sydney, you ok?” “Yeah” Sydney said while crouching down on the floor trying to reach the test, “I’ll be out in a minute I’m just not feeling well” Why the fuck did this fucking test had to fall behind the fucking toilet? After a few good tries Sydney finally managed to get the test and put it and the second test and box in the bag.

She then grabbed the bathroom trash cans trash bag and stuffed the pregnancy tests inside, and walked out of the bathroom with the bag in hand. "Hey, everything ok?" Carmen said while eyeing the bag.

"Yeah, I'm- I'm just taking out the trash cause the trash was full so..." "OH yeah, you didn't have to I could take it" Carmen said while reaching for the bag. "No! " Sydney shouted while yanking the bag away from his grip.

"I mean, I'll take care of it; it's no problem," Sydney said nervously. "OH," Carmen said while recovering from shock, "So uh... give me a minute, and I'll drive us to work. Ok"

"NO, I mean, i-it's fine; I need to go to the store anyway." Carmen furrowed his brow and said to her in a confused tone, "The store?" "Yeah," Sydney said nervously, "I promised my dad I would get a few things for him before I went to work" "Oh, well, I can take you if you want." Carmen offered.

"No, it's fine." Sydney said, " I don't want to make you late, besides It shouldn't take me too long." "Syd, you sure? I don't mind driving you."

"No, it's fine, you go ahead." Carmen hesitated but left the bathroom. Sydney let out a sigh of relief and started to get ready.

It didn't take her that long to get ready; she quickly freshened up and left Carmen's apartment in a hurry, and arrived at the store. She brought a pack of Clearblue tests and took the train to the restaurant.

Her stomach was in knots the entire train ride, and she couldn't wait to get to the bear and take the tests. As soon as she got to the bear, she quickly bolted into the bathroom, barely saying a word to anyone.

She nervously opened the box and took out the test. She pulled down her pants, sat on the toilet, and peed on the stick.

BANG!

The door opened with a thud, and Sydney dropped the test in the toilet. "RICHIE!!!!!"

#sydney x carmy #the bear #the bear fanfiction #carmy x sydney #syd x carmy #carmy x syd #sydney x carmen #carmen x sydney #sydcarmy

35 notes · View notes

frenzyarts · 1 year

Note

Could you talk a bit about how you design your OCs from a visual level? I really love their designs. Only if you have the time and energy of course <3

Thank you so much omg 💕 I was trying to think of a good way to answer this question, but the truth is my methods are very nebulous and hard to define! I’ll do my best though 🥳

Some characters come to me very easily, some go through a few revisions, and some go through a meat grinder of revisions lol. Rune was easy, her design was just in my head right off the bat from years of drawing/thinking about demons. Yorick was a little different. Awhile back I played a ttrpg and designed this character:

Look familiar? This is prototype Yorick!! (I have this on my portfolio at a higher res if you wanna zoom in or something idk) She was a character who was kind of elfin and was a clown who controlled shadows. When I started pinning down the stories and characters of A Slowly Beating Heart I KNEW I had to put a demonic clown in there, and I thought of this design.

A phase I go through when designing characters when im not sure how they’re gonna look is doing a bunch of iterations based on vibes. Here’s some of the earliest Yorick sketches I could find, you can see how they don’t quite look “right” yet:

Like the vibes were there but that’s not our Yorick! Here’s what I think might be the first or second sketch I did where they look right:

I used the old Yorick I had designed but finally modified the outfit and design in a way that pleased me. I went with this design, and went through some minor edits with the colors, and boom, the demon clown was born! (Though even in this image they aren’t quite right, in the final comic I got rid of the lines on their horns and saturated the green parts of their eyes):

Melody is another story. Versions of Melody had also been living in my mind for almost as long as Rune, but never as a solid design. I have a zillion sketches of Melody that don’t look at all like how she looks now. It wasn’t until right before her appearance in the comic that I actually decided to refine her character design. Since I had never quite solidified how she looked in my mind, getting her on paper was quite the task. Her hairstyle was already on my mind, but I did a bunch of different versions of her halo and outfits. I put a bunch of designs together and sent them out to my friends to ask them to vote on their favorite outfit to help me decide 😂:

In the end Melody’s outfit didn’t quite look like any of these, because they’re all somewhat complex, and I need things to stay really simple for comics. Once I had designed the outfit the struggle still wasn’t over, cause now I had to do colors. Here’s just a small sampling of the color pallets I went through:

I guess if I was gonna break down my process into steps, it would be like this:

1. Sketch a bunch of ideas based on vibes

2. Choose my fav and then refine it further by tweaking the outfit/hair ect

3. Try out a lot of different colors and keep adjusting them until they look right

4. Give birth to my Art Child 💃✨🙌

I don’t always do all that, and some of the design processes for certain characters happen a little differently. But that’s basically it! Sorry this was super long, I hope it helped!!

#my art #character design #art tutorial #tutorial #original character #Yorick #melody #a slowly beating heart #asbh #frenzy post

89 notes · View notes

blacksadbbath · 1 year

Text

do you want me? do you need me?

pairing: jerry cantrell x fem! reader

summary: you thought your boyfriend was never really attracted to you, but he was actually just being respectful.

warning: body image issues at the start, lack of communication lol, angst, smut (please dni -18)

word count: no idea sorry

A/N: had to start writing again because of the lack of jerry content on this site god.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Jerry fucking Cantrell was your boyfriend.

You had met him at at the start of the year at a gig of your friend’s band. A pair of unknown beautiful blue eyes had been on yours the entire night, so curiosity took over you and you offered to get him a drink. One thing led to another and now you have been dating for four months.

Beautiful gifts and ice cream dates have been keeping your relationship busy, so much that he barely touched you in any way. For example, it took him months for you to tell him (because he never did it himself or thought about doing it) to grab your waist when you two hugged, so you couldn’t help but wonder if he really liked you as his girlfriend, or just a friend which he had a bigger connection with. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to kiss him for hours with your legs around his waist, but you were -almost- completely sure he wasn’t feeling the same way.

Was it your body? You had gained a few pounds since you met because of the lack of time to work out or make better meals.

Was it your skin? You got yourself on birth control two months ago and the hormones had messed with your skin giving you acne.

“Did I stop being pretty? Did my body change so much he stopped liking it? Was he ever attracted to me in the first place?” The words cut into your brain almost every time you found yourself in front of a mirror, making you every time more insecure about your relationship. You didn’t want to tell him either, because it made you kind of embarrassed, so you tried to brush it off every time you hung out.

Till you couldn’t brush it off anymore.

Every time the thoughts lingered for longer in your head, and you felt your conclusions getting more real each second that passed. You had to talk to him.

“Hi Jerry” You said through your phone, hands shaky and your feet tapping into the hard wood floor of your room.

“Hi love, I was just going to call you ” He answered calmly through the line. “I’m ten minutes away from your house, can I go?”

Fuck, the least that you wanted to do was to talk in person, but you couldn’t keep waiting or your nerves were going to explode.

“Sure” You replied softly, trying to not let the worried expression of your face take over your voice “It’ll be nice to see you”

“I know, I missed you and wanted to give you a surprise. By the way, was there any reason why you called me first?” He asked genuinely.

“Nope, just wanted to say hi. See you soon”

You hung up and tears started running down your face, you didn’t know how to talk about this. The time went slow and you didn’t know what to do, so you took a cold shower to help with the puffiness of your face and body in general. Two minutes after you got dressed and applied a bit of mascara and concealer to not look dead, you heard a knock on the door.

“Hi” Jerry gave you a small peck on the lips and went straight to say hi to your dad. You chased him down the hall to tell him your dad wasn’t home yet and you needed to talk to him about something. He hummed and went back to the living room where he sat, a little bit concerned.

“Listen, im gonna be direct because this is eating me alive” His expression went from a little bit concerned to concerned and nodded, afraid of what you were going to tell him. “Do I disgust you?”

“What?” He said extremely confused, thinking that it was almost a joke.

“Could you tell me the truth, please?” You started spitting words one after another and tears started running down your face again.

“I feel like you’re not attracted to me anymore, or maybe you never were. I want to feel like your girlfriend, not some friend you just like a lot. I have noticed that PSA isn’t your favorite, but I just know that if we asked some random on the street what our relationship is they would never guess we are a couple. I feel loved, I know you love me a lot, but I don’t feel like you do it like I want you to”

“God, im sorry, I just...” He got his concerned look back and started talking again, but you interrupted him.

“If you’re not attracted to me is completely ok, of course i understand that you could have stopped thinking im hot or anything I just...” You sobbed not wanting to look at him in the eye “I just want you to tell me the truth”

Jerry got on his knees in front of you, hugged your stomach with one arm and with the other took one of your hands in his.

“Y/n, you are the most beautiful woman I've met. I know I might look like one but im not an idiot either, if you thought I just liked you as a friend but still asked you to be my girlfriend” He looked up at you with doe eyes and you tried to believe him, but it was still difficult. “I’ll try to be more affectionate, I promise, I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. And if you need me to tell you I want you...I have since I first laid my eyes on you”

Your heart skipped a beat, but your whole body relaxed because that’s all you needed to hear.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked, still with your hand in his palm. You nodded, so he stood up and kissed you with the passion he hadn’t shown you in all these months.

Your hands traveled through his neck, hair and jawline, while his held you by the waist so close to him you felt you couldn’t breathe. The kiss started getting heated for the first time in your relationship, making your stomach contract again by the anticipation. You both started to get desperate, and while every second that passed took the worries about his attraction away, new ones about this being your first time being like this with him started settling in your brain.

His tongue demanded your mouth to open, and after yours did the same, he bit your lip softly. You moaned unconsciously and that was the last straw for him. He took your face in his hands and whispered in your ear softly.

“When is your dad getting home” The blonde started kissing your neck while waiting for an answer.

“I don’t know, but I don’t care either” You knew he was getting home in about an hour, but you wanted to make things more exiting, so you kept your mouth shut and dragged him to your room.

You closed the door and threw yourself on the bed, action which jerry followed. You hooked your leg in his waist and encouraged him to get on top which he accepted happily. His long blonde hair framed your face while his hands roamed your body, now without any worries.

“Do you promise to tell me if you get uncomfortable with something or want to stop?” You nodded really fast to resume the kissing, but he had plans to keep talking.

“I really want to show you how much I wanted you all these months, and how big my love for you is.” He got his hands under your top and you got rid of it immediately. “You’re the only woman of my life”

He went back to kissing your neck looking for your weak spot to remember later. His hands kept traveling freely through your body, and every noise of pleasure you made made him smirk against your skin. His mouth started getting near your breasts before he unclasped your bra. Everything was great until your stomach dropped after remembering he was in a band too and had groupies with probably better tits than you. He noticed the change of expression of your face and went back to kissing your mouth again.

“I don’t care about anything you think about yourself, im very lucky to be with someone as hot, smart and funny like you”

“Take off your shirt, please” You interrupted trying to get the bad thoughts off your mind. He nodded.

“Can I take my jeans off too? They’re getting too tight” You laughed and while he got a bit embarrassed, he felt good because he made you laugh. Besides, it was actually true, he was too hard to keep wearing pants. You blinked and he was already all over you again in only his boxers.

The hot kisses continued while his right hand made its way to your inner thighs, and you touched him through his underwear making his breath itch.

"Fuck i don't have a condom" He looked at you with dilated pupils and swollen lips. Who on earth could loose an opportunity like this?

"I don't care just...don't cum in me" You replied while trying to get your boyfriends underwear off.

"Don't worry, i won't" He nodded and did the same with your panties. He was about to position himself between your legs when you suddenly got a rush of dominance. The two first times you had with past boyfriends were really bad because they didn't know what they were doing at all, and even though you knew your actual boyfriend wasn't going to disappoint, you wanted to make this different.

"Can i ride you?" Your face got red before you could even finish the sentence, and you regretted what you did immediately, but it was too late. You felt yourself getting manhandled until you were on top of the blonde, giving you no option but to stick to your request. You both shared a few more desperate kisses before you took him in your hand and lowered yourself taking your time until both of your bodies were fully connected.

Your hips started to move involuntarily fueled by Jerry's moans, getting even wetter after each one. He looked through his eyelashes your body moving like ocean waves, and in an attempt of wanting to feel useful, he got you closer by your waist to his chest and started sucking one of your nipples. In some lonely nights you imagined this moment in a lot different ways and scenarios, but none compared to the real thing. You felt your body melting into his, and the love overflowing your soul. You had never felt this connection with anyone before. Maybe this was the love and confidence everybody talked about.

You were so high on pleasure you didn't notice your legs getting tired until you felt a cramp. You let out a small cry and stopped, making you boyfriend get out of the trance too and panic instantly.

"Y/n are you ok? Did i hurt you? What-" You shushed him with a small kiss and then threw your hands in the air.

"I'm fine, i'm fine. My leg just started to hurt but i'm ok" His expression relaxed and he got you off his lap in a second. A blink later, he was positioning himself again between your legs.

He didn't push slowly because he didn't need to. You threw your head back by the sudden pleasure and he sucked your neck while fucking you into the mattress. Not much time passed for your whole body to start tightening and your moans to get more pitched, he was hitting the right spot.

"You feel so good, cum for me" He grabbed your face aggressively and kissed you even harder than before, making you squeeze around him for the last time before letting go. An obsene sound came out of your mouth, which alerted Jerry to pull out just in time, cumming in your lower abdomen.

Five seconds later he got up, got dressed ridiculously fast and ran through your door.

"Babe what the fuck" You exclaimed in complete confusion. Turns out he had gone to get you something to get cleaned with, and got dressed in case your dad was home. You smiled and hugged him so hard you felt you broke some of his ribs.

"I love you so much, you have no idea" He said getting his breath back after your demolishing hug.

"No, you have no idea"

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

#jerry cantrell #jerry cantrell x reader #jerry cantrell fanfic #alice in chains #grunge #fanfic #oneshot #grunge fanfiction

62 notes · View notes

killing-myself-slowly · 6 months

Text

Hey everyone, I’m remi

I was active a lot in 2020-2022. Not sure if you’ll remember me, but I’ve always been a form of “killing myself slowly” finally got the username without any numbers so rip to whoever had it before me lol

I’m 18, turning 19 in March. I have a lot of mental illnesses: CPTSD, some sort of dissociative disorder, bpd, delusional parasitosis, schizoaffective, and a fuck ton of phobias lmao

I was diagnosed with an0rexia in 2019-2021, now I’m diagnosed with ednos or osfed or whatever it’s called now. I’ve been in “recovery” since 2022 so I was forced to leave this side of tumblr. But I don’t give a fuck anymore abt anything. So I’m backkkkk

I’m fat af now, birth control really fucked me up, but I’m off it now so this bitch is gonna be ✨skinni✨again.

I recently r*lasped in sh after being clean for 7 months. Idrc anymore I’m gonna do it and I don’t care what my therapist says

I’m a huge nic fiend haha

I hope to get down to 125 lbs by the end of the year but idk if that’s doable. Im definitely more than 140 lbs rn but idk how much exactly

I hope this blog doesn’t get snapped like my old ones did 😭 I had a pretty large th*nspo blog in 2021 but it got termed. This is prob my 8th or 9th blog since 2020

Anyways I’m just rambling at this point. If you come across my blog just be warned that I talk abt dr*gs, heartbreak and obsession, dysphoria, and Ed topics a lot. If you don’t like it then block me, I don’t want to lose my safe space so please please don’t report me

Stay safe everyone! <3

Also sorry for the censorship, I don’t wanna get snapped

11 notes · View notes

stemmmm · 8 months

Text

i got back from a week long trip so now i've had plenty of time to ruminate on things and im finally ready to see what the fuck this guy has been trying to cook

episode 7 post

ep1 ep2 ep3 ep4 ep5+6

i think i saw a drawing of this guy earlier today except he had boobs

so lion's pretty obviously supposed to be the baby from 19 years ago, right.

ay ay aY AY AY

oh bah, the way it started out as just the last word in caps for a couple lines made me think dlanor was disguised as shannon or something but nah shes just like a robot or possessed for something.

i feel like ive been told explicitly 15 times that beato was the original beatrice's daughter who kinzo believed was her reincarnated, as if this is the first time im being given this information

damn bro you look hideous

alright so we're positing that original beatrice was enough of a fascist that she stuck to mussolini even after the rest of the country gave up? ok.

alright alright alright we're talking about whether the axis were cowards based on whether or not they surrendered and how alright.

REALLY FUNNY FOR THE V/O TO STILL BE FULLY JAPANESE WHEN HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SPEAKING ENGLISH. OH BUT "I CANNOT SPEAK ENGLISH" IS?

interesting that this beatrice is using the baby beato voice. I've been trying to get the logic of it, and the best I can figure is that its just... to differentiate? differentiate WHAT exactly, whether its between human beatrices or just the humans and the witch im not sure yet. but I miss her other voice :( the flashback we got of her earlier that I didn't mention also used this voice even though im fairly certain the original version didn't.

i get that its for plot contrivances because beatrice had to get here somehow but WHY on EARTH would someone bring their daughter on an armed military vessel in the middle of a massive war. also because i touched on it earlier i'd like to clarify, i get that the participants in war are not necessarily people who agree with any of it. and even then, your circumstances of birth and pressure from your family will put you in situations out of your control (given, thats what this whole thing has Been About). idk i dont want it to come across as i don't get what's going on or like im an idiot or something. i may also be a bit defensive because i haven't really enjoyed the reading process terribly much in a while and didn't appreciate some of the feedback i've gotten in regards to "just keep reading, you'll like it, youll understand" because i dont think its properly come across that i think i Do understand, im just squicked the fuck out by a lot of things in part 6 and so far haven't seen anything that would allegedly turn my opinion around that much. but there's still a lot left in this to go. im just. bored honestly.

REALLY funny how much "bice" comes off sounding like bitch. all my friends at home call me bitch

oh my god also hilarious. the golds in the submarine isnt it.

EVEN IF ITS A TOP SECRET BASE WHY THE FUCK DONT YOU HAVE A DOCTOR?

anybody else have to stop and hold their head for a minute every time wildly specific gun specs are listed for no reason whatsoever

anyways this fight over the gold is fun, i figured something was gonna have to happen that got everyone else off that island and left the gold, so this makes as much sense as anything. and feeling the drive to live despite it all after seeing genuine bloodshed for the first time is a little overdone but just fine.

*curb your enthusiasm theme starts playing* well at least he insisted on taking her to a doctor

ohhhhh we're confirming beato is really and for true kinzo's biological daughter *head in handssss*

PLEASE STOP PINCHING THIS MAN'S ASS!!!

oh my god, first acknowledgement that battler isn't here. i kinda figured since he's always been kinzo's mirror of sorts, he wasn't gonna be here because kinzo was alive. like there's no reason for that to be the case, but to me the logic felt sound. battler and kinzo haven't been in the same place at the same time, at least not in 1986. and it seems that will continue to be the case !!

STOP PINCHING EVERYONES ASSES

lion sucks, actually. wretched personality.

i was holding back on making a joke about how maria talks about beato the way christian billboards exclusively go on about how there's "evidence god exists" or whatever, but now she's reciting the bible word for word so i dont know what to do with my point but i have to share it now. i do like that her point seems to be that because maria doesn't have a father, she is jesus. good for you girl.

BEATOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. and with the voice! ok so definitely that's the witch's voice.

alright this whole scenario can be argued as maria having an imaginary friend about it but if that piece of candy that beato told her to keep as a souvenir and not eat is still in maria's bag, magic is fucking Real.

also beato telling maria to practice basic hygene as her witch traini-- *has a jimmy neutron style brain blast and remembers the 1 (one) shinto shrine i've visited* OH, NO THIS IS A SHINTO THING. OK HELL YEAH. more of beato the "western" witch using japanese magics. i see i see i see.

fellas i may just like witch beato

#m.txt #umineko liveblog

7 notes · View notes

idontunderstandwhydoyouneedmyurl · 6 months

Text

Its late and I can't sleep so have some fun facts about my tav

Her name is Katrice Taventridus Elwoyzorwyn (el-wuh-zor-win), she's a half wood elf wizard (nobility background) and as of the events of bg3 she's 55 years old. Her magical ability strength lies in elemental magic, namely fire ice and lightning. Her alignment is neutral good because she believes more in doing what is right rather than what is lawful, but only if she won't get caught

She grew up in Baldur's Gate in a very affluent family, she went to a magical academy and graduated at the top of her class in an effort to impress her parents (spoiler: it didn't work)

After Katrice graduated she tried to join her father's magical item importation business. He told her that not only did he not want her to join, but that if she did it would tarnish the reputation as an elven business because she was actually half human and an affair child

She decided (to prove to her dad herself that she could in fact do whatever she put her mind to, surprise biracial affair child or no, so she got herself a basic adventuring pack and set off for adventure. She then got zapped up by the nauteloid ship literally before she made it out of the main city gate

She's part of a playthru that I did multi-player with my wife who played a tiefling ranger (criminal background) named Valmaia, and we consider that our "canon" run. Katrice and Val butted heads a lot at the beginning but by the end of the game are good friends

She's 5'6", weighs about a hundred pounds soaking wet, and the only reason her STR is 10 is because I refuse to go lower on any stat at all ever

Katrice hoards scrolls and potions because "you never know!!" But because her potion bag gets heavy, she pawns it off on Astarion to carry.

She doesn't trust the dream visitor (who looks like her birth mom) and refuses to eat more tadpoles or to use the illithid power at all. Valmaia meanwhile is eating the tadpoles like candy. Modern day pickle giver vs pickle eater tbh

Katrice and Wyll end up falling in love over the course of the game, because they ran in similar social circles growing up. Because Katrice is twice Wyll's age, they never actually met, but they likely would've been childhood friends.

In my personal solo playthru with Katrice, I had her romance Astarion in a "I can fix him but maybe he'll corrupt me a little" kind of way, a "on my gods my parents would be SO disappointed in me for bringing home such a charlatan. Isnt that exciting" rebellion kind of way. (I'm now romancing him with my dark urge which is a whole other flavor of emotionally delicious)

Im playing with the idea of her birth mom (who went missing shortly after Katrice was born) having been one of Cazador's victims just for a little extra gut punch

She had to talk down shadowheart from killing the nightsong, astarion from committing mass murder so he can suntan, gale from trying to become a God, like that one meme of a guy struggling and tangled with three babies on leashes

After the events of bg3 Katrice is well funded as both a professional adventurer and recognized as a hero of the city, so she's able to buy a controlling interest in her father's company.

She also buys Cazador's mansion (since he's not using it anymore) and turns it into a tavern/inn that employs several of the vampire spawn that Astarion freed. They work and in exchange are given room and board and a safe blood supply from local butchers and donors. Astarion refuses to stay there but thinks the idea is hilarious.

Wyll, Valmaia, and Karlach went to Avernus to live in the House of Hope while they look more into a cure for Karlach. Katrice doesn't enjoy the long distance relationship thing but once she and Rolan set up a portal to the House of Hope from the top of Ramazith’s tower, its a little easier to go back and forth.

My wife and I are playing a 2 person DND style game where we're continuing this thread and are doing an Icewind Dale based story together, just rolling dice for how the plot goes. I'm insanely excited to keep going (and if anyone asks me about it ill just straight up share my campaign notes i love it)

#my text #katrice Elwoyzorwyn #bg3 #bg3 spoilers #bg3 oc #bg3 pc #bg3 tav

3 notes · View notes

genderqueerdykes · 1 year

Note

Hello! First off - love your blog, and thank you for taking the time to answer so many asks so thoughtfully- that’s a lot of mental and emotional labor and although this is the first time I’ve sent you an ask, I really appreciate your thoughtful responses from other asks, it’s given me the courage to send you this.

I am non-binary/transmasc, and I have a lot of dysphoria around my period/menstruating. I get horrible mood swings for about a week before, then 1-2 days of intense pain and cramping where I’m pretty much immobilized by pain. If it was financially possible, I would just take all that plumbing out. I am 35 and honestly it feels like my period has just gotten progressively worse over the years.

I have toyed with the idea of hormones off and on, but the impression I got from reading about other people’s experiences is that you don’t really know what you’re gonna get out of hormones until you try them, and some things are not so easy to undo. Like, in a perfect world I’d love a deeper voice and a bit of masculinization in my face and mainly to not get periods anymore, but there are some effects of T that I would not enjoy (like facial hair, it would be a huge sensory problem for me). And I don’t identify as a man so pushing me too far in that direction would just be a different kind of dysphoria.

Do you have any suggestions or thoughts on any ways to reduce my period dysphoria, or anecdotes on what small doses of T might do for me? Just feeling pretty frustrated and like there’s not really any good answer here since I don’t want all the effects of T.

im glad you're taking the time to consider that's very good!

sorry to hear you have so much dysphoria regarding menstruation, i understand, it's a very shitty thing to go thru and many people who aren't trans hate it or experience dysphoria around that time as well. i believe there are some types of birth control like IUDs and whatnot that can reduce how much you menstruate. i would advise talking to an obgyn/gynecologist if you are interested in seeing if there are ways to reduce how much you menstruate or if there are ways to make it more bearable for you. there is also the possibility of a hysterectomy (removal of the uterus) as well, if that's something you're considering. that may be a better option that T for you.

i think it's good that you're aware of your boundaries as a trans person. no trans person is under any obligation to take HRT unless taking HRT is specifically what will ease their dysphoria. the thing with T is most people will get the same types of general effects in varying degrees so if you do not want changes to your facial structure like your brow ridge, cheek bones and jaw, body fat distribution, muscle mass density, body/facial hair, bottom growth, and so on, then T really isn't right for you.

i would say for you it would probably be best to look into voice training for transmascs, and definitely talk to a gynecologist about your situation regarding your monthly. you don't have to be a trans guy to get a hysterectomy, if you truly do want to get that removed! i hope you're able to get things sorted out, best of luck to you, take care, stay safe

#asks #answers #dysphoria #menstruation mention #menstruation tw #periods tw #period mention #surgery mention #surgery tw #doctor mention #doctor tw #gynecologist mention #nonbinary #enby #transmasc #transmasculine #periods #menstruation

13 notes · View notes

intersex-support · 2 years

Note

Would you be able to look at my symptoms and point me in a direction? Im afab with non-ambiguous genitalia, but I've thought something could be off. My Dr says that we can't test for hormone problems because I need to perpetually be on birth control now, but I don't really know what to make of my reproductive health.

I didn't have a period until I was 18 yrs old. I never developed breast tissue until my highest dose of estrogen in my 20s and even then I have a small chest. When I started my period, it just never ended. Like I only stopped bleeding now, when I'm 27 and have had an IUD for a while. At first it was very heavy, but with sequentially higher bc doses it got lighter and is finally gone. After the first 2 years I had to get a blood transfusion because I lost too much blood lol and was fainting constantly. Even then it was a while until I recovered. I know I don't have haemophilia or a significant blood clotting problem (I have a minor one due to ehlers danlos). I know I don't have uterine cancer. They think I do have some endometriosis, but have told me the period is likely a hormonal thing. I don't have cysts on my ovaries as far as drs can see after multiple tests, and my current gyno (who seems the most truthful and good tbh) says that I probably just never ovulated really which is why it was perpetual. My first Dr to do an ultrasound came back and said "so you do have ovaries" which I've always thought was suspicious because it did not sound like a joke.

I had to be taken off estrogen because I have migraine with aura, and since I've got my mustache back.

I do have facial hair and more than average body hair, but nothing too drastic. I still have hormonal acne which I hate. I ask because I havent been able to find much about "late bloomers" and never ending periods without haemophilia. My Dr admits she doesn't know if it's PCOS, but said it's probably not worth testing because I don't want kids. Does this sound familiar to you? Would you know what tests to ask for?

I have a lot of health problems outside of this too, but it seems like this is separate. It may not be anything intersex related, but I don't know what it could be and it has been a source of some pain in my life because it did almost literally kill me without having any idea why this is happening lol.

Hi anon,

It sounds like you've been going through a lot in terms of health problems, and I really hope that you're able to find some answers. I'm not a medical expert so I can't really speak on what all the possibilities are, but I can speak about some things in the intersex direction.

It sounds like you've ruled out blood disorders, or at least blood disorders beyond your blood clotting problem with EDS. You've ruled out uterine cancer and I'm guessing you've also ruled out cervical cancer. Have you ruled out thyroid problems? That can be another possible cause or contributing factor. It does sound like your doctors have been evaluating whether or not you have an intersex variation, and I honestly think that it might be really likely. The fact that you have to be on consistent hormones to manage your period is really significant to me and I think that there's a lot of things that you've described that make intersex variations worth looking into.

Since you know that you have ovaries and you do experience a period, we can rule out a lot of intersex variations. What I really think you might want to look into is (N)CAH. I have NCAH, and I had a constant period. Literally would bleed for months, constantly, got severely anemic, and the only thing that stopped it was getting a progesterone IUD. I got my period when I was 11, had other clearer signs of hyperandrogenism, and went through puberty, so not quite the same as you, though. I also have some weird comorbid chronic illness things that might have contributed, but my constant period was the thing that basically got me diagnosed with NCAH. The fact that you have other symptoms like more body hair and hormonal acne is also a clue. It might even be possible that you have CAH (that's not salt wasting) that is one of the rarer types.

I'm not an endocrinologist and I don't know the specifics about what hormonal birth control makes what tests impossible, but I'm pretty sure there are some tests that should still be able to be done, especially if you are not on estrogen and are only on progesterone. The tests for (N)CAH are to get your testosterone levels checked, to get an ACTH stimulation test, and an 17 ohp level test. I think that you should still be able to get these done with a progesterone IUD, although I know estrogen can affect the ACTH stimulation test results. I'm not as familiar with how the other subtypes of CAH are diagnosed, but I know it involves testing responses to cortisol and also might require genome sequencing. PCOS is also basically diagnosed the same way as NCAH (some doctors are starting to see NCAH and PCOS as way more related than previously thought.) PCOS is diagnosed when everything else is ruled out and when two of these three things are present: hyperandrogenism, ovarian cysts, and oligo anovulation, which is basically irregular periods and difficulties with ovulation.

Honestly, if you hadn't said that you got an ultrasound done and that you had normal ovaries, I would have pointed you towards Turner's syndrome and mixed gonadal dysgenesis, because from your ask it sounds like you didn't start to go through puberty until you went on estrogen, and that really jumps out at me as something that Turner's syndrome could cause. Again, not as familiar with whether ultrasounds can malfunction, but I did just read this study that says that some people with Turner's syndrome had ovaries that appeared totally typical on an ultrasound. I really think you might want to look into getting an ultrasound again, or get a gonadal biopsy to see if you have ovotestes. This is a list of symptoms of Turner's Syndrome. To get diagnosed with Turner's syndrome, you would need to get a genetic karotype. If you have any hearing loss or heart problems, those can also be signs of Turner's Syndrome. Mixed gonadal dysgenesis can also cause some similar symptoms, and would be diagnosed through a genetic karyotype.

I also think something you might want to look into is another intersex variation called Follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) insensitivity. This is rarer, and I know less about it, but basically, it causes ovaries to not work right, creating a lack of estrogen, can even cause ovarian failure. People with FSH insensitivity usually don't have puberty without hormones, like you described. I'm not familiar with what periods typically look like when people with FSH insensivity go on estrogen, so someone correct me if I'm totally wrong. But a lot of things you've described really line up, and it might be worth it to get your FSH levels tested. I think you might also need to get gonadal and gonadotropin levels measured to diagnose FSH insensitivity.

I will admit that some of what you're describing is more severe than what is the typical presentation of these intersex variations, but I don't think that necessarily means that it isn't possible. I could also totally see it being the case that some of your other health issues like EDS could interact with a possible intersex variation to worsen the symptoms. I can't say for certain whether or not you have an intersex variation, but I will say that this ask had a lot of things that made me really, really think that it might be a possibility. Like. even more things than the typical asks I answer on here.

Honestly, if it's possible, I would look into getting a referral to an endocrinologist who specializes in intersex care (probably the language they will use is disorders of sexual development). It can be harder to find doctors as an adult, so it might even be worth reaching out to an intersex team at a pediatric hospital to ask them for referrals, because I think that what you're describing is going to take a specialist to diagnose. Your symptoms in many ways seem very clearly intersex, but they differ from the typical presentations in a few ways that might challenge doctors. If you want to send in another anon ask with more specific information about your location, I'm happy to do research for you to try to find a doctor who might be an expert.

Seriously wishing the best for you, anon, and please feel free to reach out with any other questions. You really deserve answers and support in this journey, and you are welcome to vent, ask questions, anything you want in the inbox. Love and solidarity from the mods here!

-Mod E

#asks #actuallyintersex #intersex #btw if you want to join the intersex discord as well. send an ask off anon #also anon this ask literally reminded me of so many things that have happened in my health journey #like. so so many #so like I really feel for you and literally. anything u need from us feel free to ask #I know how frustrating this is!!

10 notes · View notes

womenfrommars · 2 years

Note

“But what about the icky nasty kinksters 🥺” bitch, women are literally going to die because of abortion bans and all you can think about is moral grandstanding. “If you don’t agree with me ur not a feminist cause that means your prokink 😡” I don’t have the time or energy to give a single rip about imaginary freaks right now because I LIVE SOMEWHERE WHERE IM ABOUT TO HAVE LESS BODILY AUTONOMY THAN A CORPSE! My state already has shit abortion laws and it’s about to get infinitely worse. You don’t even live here. I don’t care what county you “meant” to be talking about, abortion conversations got a whole lot more busy in the past two days because SCOTUS decided that women do not have the right to their own internal organs. You are distracting from the conversation. I don’t want to hear anti-abortion sentiments from some cunt who lives in a country who has abortion rights. Omfg, you live somewhere with better abortion laws than my state has EVER had. The sheer amount of privilege your shit take comes from is fucking unbelievable. You have the privilege to worry about stupid stuff like imaginary kinksters. Most women don’t!! THERE ARENT EVEN EXCEPTIONS FOR RAPE OR INCEST, WHICH ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PROVE ANYWAY AND UTTERLY USELESS. I can have literally everything taken away from me if some scrote decides to rape me. I could fucking die if that happened and it wouldn’t matter. There are politicians advocating for not even aborting when the pregnancy is ectopic. You can be arrested and charged for miscarrying!!! And all you care about are freaks on reddit????? I never want to hear this shit from another “feminist” ever again. You can take your opinion and shove it up your ass. This is literally the worst take I’ve seen from radblr. It’s sick and disgusting that you thought this was a good thing to post in the first place and even worse that you keep defending your wholly anti-feminist take. Jesus christ, what a lack of empathy or compassion for other women. It’s so fucking selfish. And I haven’t even acknowledged that most of the reproductive rights we have at all could be rolled back, including all birth control which btw is the only thing keeping me from bleeding out once a month, because they hinge on roe v. wade and all the privacy laws that influenced. It’s not even just womens rights, since I know you don’t care about those! Roe v. wade has so much resting on it and they are just taking it away like it’s nothing. We didn’t even get to elect these people and we have no way to influence them. This is shit that started before I was even born. They know what they are about to do is unpopular with the majority of the American public but they don’t care. We are losing +50 years of progress in a second and you only care about the “wrong” kind of woman getting an abortion. There is no hope here. I hope a meteor takes out my entire country tomorrow. I want it all wiped off the face of the earth. I’d be happier if everyone here was dead. I’d be happier dead. I hope the entire SCOTUS spontaneously drops dead. We’re all going to let this happen and no one will care. I don’t want to hear another stupid take about abortion and I wish everyone who disagrees with me would die. I’m so fucking tired. An old high school classmate messaged me saying he wants to rape me because I was vocally pro-choice and he wants to punish me. I’m sure other women here are getting the same kinds of threats. These are my internal organs!! I should have the right to my internal organs!!! Always! Idc even if a woman had consensual sex and got pregnant, she still has the rights to her own insides!!! If you have nothing useful to say then just stay quiet. No one asked you about how you felt about the “morality” of abortion. What a stupid thing to try and answer in the first place. No one wanted your dog-shit opinion.

Anon please get help. I'm not even saying this for snarky Internet clout. I really do believe you need professional help

2 notes · View notes

amiaboyoragirl · 4 months

Text

alone

i dont have any friends. i live at home with emotionally unavailable parents and my brother, who is my only semi trusted person. we are really close and honestly if i didnt have him i wouldnt be alive but we definitely butt heads and i feel bullied by him even though he doesnt mean to hurt my feelings hes just a blunt ass bitch and 6.5 years younger than me but the dynamic is basically im a big baby he feels the need to take care of. and were codependent with weed nicotine and money/food. im a mess and cant get a job, he does instacart when hes not stoned af at home. hes the only person i interact with during the day other than awkward convos with my mom complaining about something and at least once a day i have to hug my dad which makes me very uncomfortable because 1. im autistic. 2. i have sexual trauma 3. he has traumatized me so bad but either doesnt remember or doesnt think it was traumatic (didnt involve incest but he was too involved in my personal business and forced me on birth control that fucked up my health for a while when the incident that caused him to flip was asault but my mom just slut shamed me and yeah anyway my relationship with them is fucked) but i have ocd and if i dont hug them i feel like theyre gonna die after that thinking idont love them because they cant see any other reason why i wouldnt hug them. and honestly im touch starved so a hug is nice here and there but my body is so uncomfortable here. ive lived here my whole life and i feel helpless. im sure it is learned helplessness because of trauma but still i cannot fucking function outside in the world alone.

i also have tits that make me uncomfortable and im currently trying to figure out if i feel this way because im trans or because of trauma and the general sexualization of the female body and social dynamics idk. i also just got out of a 3.5 year relationship with someone i thought i was going to marry and shit but i felt like i was a lesbian and broke up with him even though i didnt want to lose him i knew he wouldnt love me the way i loved him or if i was a guy inside he wouldnt love me anymore. i know he loved me. but a lot of it feels fuzzy and i cant decipher what was real or if it was all chemicals cuz we fucked and smoked and ate and watched tv and talked all the time. the sex was fucking amazing. sometimes i cry about it still. and i still cant touch myself without thinking about him and just forcing myself to dissociate through it and sleep immediately after. ive always been a sex addict since i was way too fucking young but before this relationship i was sleeping with multiple guys all the time, i needed it to get through going to school and work and keeping up the mask. but then covid hit. met my ex. realized we are autistic. i couldnt keep pretending and forcing myself to work in a fucking restaurant that was sensory hell and triggered my eating disorder. ughhhhh god dammit i know im just romanticizing my ex relationship because im missing the sex and affection and talking to him but realistically we werent going to last and i still feel like we both were hiding some feelings or thoughts we had idk i think he couldve been a narcasisstic asshole but my heart doesnt feel that way, maybe im the narcasist and hes just audhd and traumatized just like me. idk fuck. i miss him so much. we were doing so good like finally things felt peachy again and looking up for us even tho in reality it wasnt we were and are still broke addicts too stubborn to get help. but it was fun while it lasted i guess.

anyway i feel like a rabbit in a hole running out of food and water while the world dances in the snow covering the exit. idk. i havent eaten breakfast yet and i already smoked twice so im sure ill eat and sleep this shit off but idk the thing that gets me everyday is i wake up from a dream i feel like im with my ex and then wake up alone and sad as fuck and it just ruins my day because i let it, i dont want to let go of the pain, of him, i fucking miss him and wish things could be different. we always said we wanted to die holding each other in bed like that couple preserved in pompeii. my chest is on fire right now and if i could just have one more night together id do anything. we have the same birthday so that sucks. i wanted to say happy birthday but it felt way too soon and idk if itd ruin his day or not but iwas def sad all day. we broke up 2 months ago now and havent spoken since but i saw him twice waiting to cross the street while i drove by and my heart sank to my ass. he looked good af. but i have to be honest with myself its not my responsibility to try to make him not angry and act like a man child sometimes. and its not fair tohim to feel responsible for my moods all the time we just couldnt take care of eachother the way we needed because we are both depleted of what we need idk. im going back to sleep. im just feeling emo we shouldnt get back together but i feel like i cant trust my brain because im bpd and pmdd and i always feel this way around my period, we break up then my periods over and im sad as fuck about it and regret it. its too late now im sure hes lost any interest in me and has moved on.good for him. he should. i actually really hope hes happy right now. but i know i didnt feel completely right with him so fuck it ill just try to move on. i just wish i could be normal and have a job or school and friends stuff to distract myself and have new memories but im so isolated rn and depressed idk. i might feel fine tomorrow so i wont kms lol. bpd is sooo fun. especially with gender and sexuality ocd and just wanting to be loved but feeling so unlovable ayyyyy.. i could feel hot after breakfast who knows.

#sad thoughts #vent post #bpd #breakup #alone #no friends #fml #isolation #confused #FTM

1 note · View note

zsuuv139 · 7 months

Text

rare original content time! and its gonna be me venting

cw: weight "management", weight loss and gain, gynecological issues, doctors, the rona

so either this story starts in my childhood: i've always been a fat girl and have recently discovered that it was basically eating for attention, positive or negative, since i also was a glass child.

or this story starts 3 years ago, with the pandemic. where i gained even more weight. but i also met this guy and he and another friend somewhat motivated me to lose a lot of weight (that i was really happy with and i felt better in my body, happier overall due to exercise). and then last february (2022) not only did i hook up with a guy, i also got myself a nice little BV out of it. and ofc the rona. after the rona cleared up, i went to a gyno who also did an ultrasound and found a cyst. i felt my life implode - i had only heard bad stuff about ovarian cysts.

they told me to not do intense workouts and put me on hormonal birth control. i could barely stand on my 2 legs. and i was depressed as hell. gained a lot of it back. got off the birth control because suddenly the cyst was not on my ovary anymore but somehow adjacent to it and hormones dont help anymore. still couldn't work out.

am also supposed to get an mri that either has a 6 month waitlist or a 100+ usd cost - my monthly pay is about 1k usd so i kinda cant afford it.

i recently took steps toward getting the mri - another gyno visit. now i also have a polycystic ovary (just one of the 2. hormone levels still ok - not pcos).

im also currently getting fired/ laid off and at the time of that appointment, i had just found out and was already exhausted because of multiple failed applications. i was certain that the layoff would happen and was looking and interviewing but got no offers.

when i tried to explain my health situation to my doctor, i ended up crying. she was patient, gave me some paper towels to wipe my face and explained how the procedures were gonna go. i liked the experience overall.

i also gained all the weight i had lost back.

docs want to investigate possible insulin resistance - i got my blood drawn and since then i have a bruise where i was stuck. this has not happened ever before, and i did used to get blood tests for a thyroid issue. im now wondering if this is bc im fat.

went to an endocrinologist - thyroid levels not optimal, and potential insulin resistance that i was hoping they could advise me on.

she calls my name. "how's it going with the weight loss?" i remark that not well.

"do you have endometriosis?"

"im not sure. afaik it needs surgery to be diagnosed and i havent had any surgery in that area. but my periods do hurt like hell and get kinda plentiful, so it wouldnt be a shock."

first few questions go normal, i know my meds, doses, diagnoses. she starts talking about weight loss. i just take it in an "ok im not coming back to her" way. then she starts asking about the cyst. i tell her what i know. she asks "but what does the mri say?" "dunno, they have a 6 month waitlist" "and youre not willing to pay for an emergency?"

now, in her pov, this random fat woman starts crying.

in my pov, all my job hunt stress and worries bubble up - im crying as im typing this ffs, and i do have a job offer currently! i recall how, if i qwere to go on unemployment, i would be eligible for 120 usd a month - i couldn't even pay rent with that! i recall how our transfer within the company was treated - we were told there would be opportunities and we will have to apply, then we applied, got little feedback, and as the other project's start date approached, they started pressuring us (most specifically, me) to do our tests asap and i was literally given 20 minutes on the end of a workweek to decide if i wanted to start on the other project on monday. did not go well.

so i just ended up crying - and angry at myself, since earlier i would just be angry if anything happens, and i was used to working with anger, but i dont know how to deal with crying.

she may have acknowledged that i was crying, saying she knows this situation is not easy but i should do everything to get out of it (no shit).

then, sobbing, i explained that the gyno did not say the mri would be urgent, and she did acknowledge the long waitlist.

doctor goes back to weight loss / eating habits. do i eat dairy? dairy is like fertilizer for the cysts, she says. "i don't drink cows milk. i do like yogurts and cheeses tho." "no, you cannot eat cheese".

what the actual fuck is happening?

she asks me to lay down for an ultrasound of my thyroid (to make sure its all good). i explain that its left side was taken out and on the right, there seems to be just a tiny little lump, and im kinda curious if it grew. should i take off my shirt? nah, just pull the neckline apart.

i would have rather taken it off but k.

she acknowledges that the left lobe is indeed not there, and goes to town with the ultrasound ot see whats up on the remaining right half. kinda hurts but whatever. lets just get this over with.

"how much do ypu weigh?"

"honestly, too much rn"

"100 kg?"

"uhm... [i am above that so i say 5 kg less]"

...

"why did they leave the right lobe?"

fuck knows, lady, it was 10 years ago and im not a doctor. i was an entire child, do you think anyone cared to explain the medical decisions? do you think i understood?

"the theory was that they were hoping it would work at least on its own or that it would make up for the left part"

"well that isnt happening"

"i have noticed. but idk if taking it out now would do any good."

"nah"

tells me i can wipe off the gel and calls me back to her desk while she writes up her report.

tells me that i need a nutritionist for the insulin resistance and refers me to a colleague. then gets back on weight loss.

"the small blob on your thyroid would go away if you managed to lose the weight"

"also don't eat bread. don't have more than 2 slices a day" "i already don't eat bread" "then stop eating pasta."

gurl idk how to tell you but pasta and cheese are the only joy left in my life.

"but you have to go to a specialist. no one can do this alone"

idk how to tell you but im not _paying_ for someone to yell at me to lose weight... i know a lot about diets, nutrition, how a meal should look like, calories, intermittent fasting (btw, have you ever had an endocrinologist recommend intermittent fasting? i heard it was bad for your hormones lol), and i don't want to give like 70 usd for a "specialist" to potentially tell me nothing new. is this arrogant? yes. but again im not rich.

is it cheaper than whatever i would need to do if my body continues to deteriorate? idk. i would have to put it on my goddamn credit card tho.

and then i look on the paper she gave me.

she wrote "emotionally-pshychologically unstable" as a symptom. fuck off the entire way.

i left her office. i cried. i cried some more. i complained to my friends. almost lost it when i couldn't attach a lid on an iced coffee and it spilled on me. i didn't tell my parents because i do not trust them with questions regarding my mental health.

and i read her note about our meet again.

she wrote

"antecedent: right lobectomy.

currently right lobe micronodule"

so that's how doctors listen to fat people.

0 notes

traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

Note

TW: Stalking and paranoia(?) Im mainly looking for someone to listen and stuff to without the whole "you're overreacting" stuff i keep being told but any advice/resources would be appreciated but not required. Apologizes for any spelling, words, or general mistakes, ive been suffering alot of issues related to motor skills lately and am in the dark with most info related to this currently.

To give some context, i live with my mother in a smallish town where most people tend to know each other's names and stuff. Well theres this guy that walks down our street, has been for longer then we've been here. And alsp its safe enough in our area that most are okay with leaving their doors unlocked during the days most of the time.

Which on its own is fine, like yeah he gave me such bad and dirty vibes the first/only time i talked to him to the point of almost burning my skin in a shower to get rid of it, but as of abouts early last year he has taken "an interest" in my mother. Which means, based on stories from our neighbor and our own experiences, he actively watches our house from a short lightly hidden distance leaving cigarette butts, walking into peoples homes and hanging out (in our case he actively tried to get into our house), and stealing mail.

We've tried to go to the police but they just tell us they cant do anything and that "its just walking jonny/donnie, he's harmless". No one but our neighbor takes us seriously cuz "he's harmless" i have mixed feelings cuz yeah he got some issues that are out of his control and please don't attack me if i say/phase anything wrong, im going off of what ive been told and am unable to do anything like research with my limited knowledge and such, but he to quote a different neighbor "has complications at birth and is stuck being mentally 13", which yeah that sucks and i sympathize with him, someone who is even if its just in the way described to me 13 years old would be able to know and learn that stalking someone for borderline 2 years isnt a normal or okay thing to do. His parents do nothing about this except send him somewhere for a week to please the police.

Im now deeply afraid to sleep in my own room because of this as he has started to hang out in the backyard at night and my room has huge windows viewing the backyard.

To sum this up before i go on too long, i have now developed a deep fear of my own room, being watched, and developed such bad paranoia i literally can't sleep. I constantly get told im overreacting as this man who has been stalking my mother, and in turn me, is apparently "harmless" and even if we were taken seriously they are unable (and with one cop, refuses) do anything since he was not physically hurt us or our animals. I do not fear for myself, but my mother and our dogs especially since he primarily sees them, as ive been unable to easily my house due to things regarding my new motor issues, and he has become more active with his stalking if that makes any sense

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry this has been happening. Your feelings about this are totally valid and this is not okay.

Unfortunately police can and do suck about helping victims, particularly victims of stalking. When I tried to report someone stalking me to the police, they refused to help me. I know very little about laws so take this with a grain of salt, but from what I do understand about reporting stalking to the police, is that they are more likely to help you if you gather what they constitute as evidence, which is mainly photos, videos, and audio recordings. While it may be legal for him to loiter on public property, it may be helpful to try to take a photo of or record him the next time he tries to violate your property.

I'm sorry to hear that other people have been minimizing this situation, as well as its effect on you. It's unacceptable to tolerate or normalize this kind of behavior. You are not overreacting.

If you can access or afford it, and if you don't already have one, I recommend looking into getting a therapist. A mental health professional could help address your paranoia and insomnia, as well as find some effective coping mechanisms for not only the situation but for yourself as well. You don't deserve to live in fear.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions please feel free to add on. Otherwise hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse

1 note · View note