#and then back to intense trauma

[unsteadylilactree]

A list of things that should be proof of buddie and would be if one of them wasn't a guy Part 14

Season 4

nothing in 4x07

4x08

Buck babysitting for Eddie except Buddie are more domestic than Eddie and Ana on their date. (Also they specifically framed the Eddieana date to be a misdirect and show that they were taking it glacially slow)

Chris has his priorities straight lol he doesn't want Eddie to have a gf

AND THEN CHRIS RUNS AWAY TO BUCK'S PLACE

This entire episode is just screaming that Eddie, Buck, and Chris work best as a family unit (*whispers conspiratorially* 'THE UNIVERSE IS SCREAMING AND YOU REFUSE TO LISTEN')

nothing in 4x09, 4x10, 4x11

4x12

Eddie being jealous that Buck was looking for the treasure with Taylor and not him :( ('i'll just be over here then. thinking. by myself. go team')

4x13

eddie reaching for buck

buck crawling under the truck to get him

eddie waking up just to ask if buck was okay

I've only seen buck this distraught at the well

4x14

Buck breaking down when he's telling Chris (specifically after finding out that Eddie should be okay)

Buck being the one to look after Chris (second. parent.)

Ana called Buck first when Eddie woke up?? did Eddie ask for him?

Eddie making sure Buck is okay

"you were there for him when i couldn't be. That's what matters"

"If i die you become Christopher's legal guardian" NOW WHY WOULD THAT BE HERE FOR ANY OTHER REASON THAN BUDDIE, HUH?

"But no one will ever fight for my son as hard as you"

BECAUSE, EVAN

the fact that Buck was the one to take eddie home from the hospital

in that scene, we focus on Eddie, Buck, and Chris, there's no hug with ana or anything until later.

Oh, that was a shorter season. Welp, that's all for now because I can't access season 5 in my country and there's so much in that season.

#911 spoilers #911 show #eddie diaz #buck x eddie #evan buckley #buddie #buddie 911 #lynn's buddie list #i hate that this is the covid season #i think i'm gonna make a separate post about how the issues that buck and eddie has with their respective partners are issues #that they don't have with each other #ive committed to this tense and i'm sticking to it #RAVI'S HERE #everyone go and read the ravi fic by archerincombat #this show goes from intense trauma to crack fic in 5 minutes #and then back to intense trauma #who else screamed when the whatched ep 13 the first time? #omg i thought taylor said you can't go see YOUR son like that #buckkkk you are so traumatised

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

I need to scream about this event (Friends Like These) because I truly was just. Not expecting the impact it would have--I don't remember if I read this one in Japanese???

I've only gotten the first two stories so far but I just.

Jeanne and Mozart are of course, as adorable as ever; there's no question about that. But Jeanne dropping this line:

"It galls me to sound so much like le Comte, but I am grateful to God that I met you."

I. [prolonged error 404 sounds]. I'm not sure there are words to convey the simultaneous endless wheezing laughter but also AWWWWWWWW energy that consumed me in milliseconds. Wildly oscillating between "LMFAO ah yes, sentimentality? Disgusting I'll drink to that (blasts Bring Me To Life)" and "BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM DEEP DOWN AND HE LOVES YOU WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH."

I just can't get over how Jeanne says exactly one thing about liking another person and he's like, 'ew dad gave me cooties >:///// how dare he subject me to the mortifying ordeal of hope.' Jeanne I love you. Jeanne I would die for you. Middle schooler with well-meaning stepfather who begrudgingly accepts his kindness and grows for the better, but would rather perish than admit it. I never knew I needed this found family dynamic so freaking bad until I started playing this game. 11/10 I could watch this forever

More Shenanigans below the cut, + the Shakespeare and Comte Event Story:

Also a sidebar because I just can't help myself, I know I've talked about it before but: Mozart and Jeanne's friendship is so endlessly precious to me????? I love how Mozart is so NO I'M NOT NICE REEEEE (turtles) and Jeanne is like :> bestie. It's so damn cute watching Mozart squirm at being exposed for being sweet and Jeanne just truly grateful someone cares about him?????? How much Jeanne and MC dote on Mozart despite being together, how it only strengthens their friendship? Literally I'm over the moon, nobody touch me I'm tender!!! Jeanne deserves to live peacefully without being a tool of the state/bad actors!!!! Mozart deserves to be loved and happy without being defined by his musical success!!!!!

LIKE. Not to be dramatic but I could watch an entire saga of these two being friends and being adorable. Fresh serotonin every single time. Did I know Jeanne was going to share his food? Absolutely. Did I expect MC to think ahead and pack two lunches? Absolutely not. Was I delighted both times? Beyond what you can imagine!!!!!!!

I'm going to stop here at the risk of repeating myself over and over but wow. Jeanne's capacity to see to the very core of people, for better and worse, and how it lets Mozart be meaningfully seen. Mozart's recognition that Jeanne can mean well to a fault, worried that he might be taken advantage of--and how Jeanne can build trust with someone for the first time without being afraid. Can you hear me wailing and bawling

Naturally, I acquired the Comte and Shakespeare one next. Now, I'm gonna be honest, I saw their names together and went "oh dear God. What am I walking into. Why do I hear boss music????" But I gathered my courage (more like I'm just too feral not to gather info abt Comte, but I digress) and experienced something that left me literally on the floor because I just. Did Not Remotely Expect This Series of Events.

So like. It starts off by being pretty normal and cute and I'm like awwww baby boy (oh he's a little fked up actually) giving gifts to dad. I'm sensing an ulterior motive but right now just let me have this. Also adorable that Comte is struck dumb by it, that's really cute I'm taking notes. And then. I was hit with the veritable ANVIL that was these next few lines:

deep breath Okay. Where to begin.

I LOST IT at the implication that Will was like. Holding back from ending Comte's entire life with mere words. WILL????? WILL P L S??????? (lowkey wanted to hear the roast snickers) Why am I sensing a pattern that Comte loves spicy people??? Love this for me

I also started losing my shit the second MC was mentioned and you could just hear the record scratch/kill bill sirens. Comte really out here like "son say WHAT about MC." I can't get over how he's always so ready to throw down for both MC and Sebas at any moment. Anywho, naturally I come to the conclusion that Will was just trying to one-up Comte to mess with him by giving MC gifts. It was the one thing I did anticipate--and, fool that I was--thought it rendered me safe from what happens next.

DEAR READER. DEAR READER I WAS SO WRONG. I WAS SO TERRIBLY WRONG.

BABY GIRL. BABY GIRL ON WHAT LEVEL IS THIS NORMAL BEHAVIOR. I'M LITERALLY CRYING RN?????? THE FACT THAT I CAN'T TELL IF HE'S JUST BEING SILLY GOOFY OR HE LEGITIMATELY MEANS IT OR SOME COMBINATION OF THE TWO????????

Mans out here like "I lost everything in the war (literally) let me spoil my girlboss dream gf in peace. Vlad took everything in the divorce let me have this pls." I just. The mental image of him chasing Will around the house. The potential implications of him doing this to protect them both (I love you Will but you have. Problems). The HILARIOUS AND DUBIOUS qualifier when he says "dressing up MC is nearly my entire reason for living." Comte I love you more than life itself but that does not make this any more normal. What are you doing my beloved vampire jkhlhalfdhjfg 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Also an honorable mention moment, because it was endearing:

Just the img of him wandering around with sparkly eyes and toting home little trinkets for everyone??????? He's so cute, that's the most grandpa behavior I've ever seen. I was chortling when Will was like "sir you made me sit in that cluttered carriage followed by another carriage full of stuff all the way home IT'S TIME FOR REVENGE (affectionate)."

I also love how Comte is like "Do I have a problem? Maybe. Will that stop me? Only when the sun cataclysmically swallows the earth."

Literally half of the members of the house are like "why are you like this" and he just heeheehoos his way out of it. How does he keep getting away with it. Can you tell I love him. Dazai isn't the only clown in this house honks Comte's nose

#ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp comte #ikevamp saint germain #ikevamp mc #ikevamp mozart #ikevamp jeanne #ikevamp jean #ikevamp shakespeare #man every time i go back to ikevamp its like the first time #idk man the healing from intense trauma and catastrophic overworking just gets to me okay #i wonder if there's just a fundamental ethos to the game that compels me; the idea that genius of any kind is hard-won #that no matter how brilliant someone may seem--there was a cost that may not be apparent at first glance #but they are also just. silly silly guys. mischievous little creachurs #THE DUALITY OF MAN (VAMPIRE?) #im also just endlessly amused by comte's whole “IM NOT UR DAD” #but at the same time him being like “relating to my children emotionally? how about I Give Them This Thing They Like Instead.” #like comte ilysm but that is literally. textbook dad behavior. 0/10 you failed the stealth check #its my comte roasting hours #at the same time trying very hard not to think about the reasons why #namely that he doesn't want to burden everyone with Vlad's beef^TM #i can't help but think about how much keeping his distance is abt protecting them from himself as well #the way he doesn't want to be a burden on anyone else but also yearns so deeply for companionship/connection #how even with mc he frequently notes what she's giving up to be with him/that he's more work than he's worth #:( i wanna hold him my poor sweet mans

[byanyan]

shouting into my hands as i'm coming to the realization that byan's never really openly talked with anyone about their gender identity... like, they obviously express it in their presentation, make all kinds of jokes about it, and have no problem saying "uh, not a boy" or insisting you use they/them pronouns in reference to them, but?? anything deeper than that?? i don't think they've ever actually put it into words. they identify as nonbinary, but i think the number of times they've actually said the word aloud can be counted on the fingers of one hand.

they're comfortable in their identity and their expression... but not so much in verbally conveying it to others... i think some part of them is actually afraid to do so due to experiences in their past. they're afraid of actively confirming anything because it's always been a little safer to let people speculate than to outright state anything definitive.

#there's a weird sort of irony in that... just bc of the sheer confidence they have in it all until they have to put it into words #in the intense 'i don't care/i'll kick your ass if u got a problem with my gender' energy they have #until it's someone they've let themself get close to and suddenly they're worried about whether or not they'll be accepted #it's trauma's fault of course... they have a lot of that regarding their gender (& to a lesser extent their sexuality) from their childhood #but god. GOD. icb this is only hitting me now... #i'll have to come back to this in more detail when i'm feeling a little more verbose & can explain more thoroughly but gOD #━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ headcanon ⋮ danger in the fabric of this thing i made.

[petekaos]

We’re partners.

Shahid Kapoor as Sunny and Bhuvan Arora as Firoz in

FARZI (2023), dir. Raj & DK Episode 4: Dhanrakshak

#farzi #farzi amazon prime #tvedit #dailypoc #pocsource #shahid kapoor #bhuvan arora #indian drama #okay there were some monumental moments btwn the 2 of them this episode but none where they were alone LMAO #i rly had to scrub to find any twoshots bc yasir chacha was with them a lot #they were actually so boyfriends this ep tho ... sunny being protective over firoz eg shielding him from the emotional trauma of seeing #naanu go through so much pain and having to be in this hospital PLUS them being kidnapped and sunny making sure firoz is okay #in the way that his first words after they come back to consciousness being 'firoz are you okay?' AND the give me your hand ... #like what was the reason for that moment. he said it so tenderly too ... #can only explain it this way: sunny felt bad after the whole kidnapping thing and wanted to comfort firoz using - once again! - #physical touch. that's their THING man :(( #anyway i hashtag love them and all and the next eps only get more intense <3 #rahul.gif

[raiiny-bay]

thinking about the monster boyz AU & how kel never gets to be truly happy in it...

#& having the audacity to feel heartbroken about it as if i’m not the one who wrote it #like. ok. kel has a pretty shit life in every universe but #the silver lining is that he eventually gets to break free & be himself & have the life he wants #but in mbz he spends his entire childhood in survival mode #he gets like. 1 year maybe 2 where he gets out from under his dad’s thumb but #he spends that time unpacking his trauma & unlearning negative coping mechanisms & fear responses #& figuring out who he is & what he wants #& before he can make any real progress the fuckin apocalypse happens! & he’s right back to survival mode #then he DIES & becomes red which comes with a whole other set of problems #like he meets teeth who in theory is the love of his life #but they’re both too messed up to do it right & the relationship is so intense #& so unhealthy & not at all how love is supposed to be #& then eventually he dies again for real this time #like. man. i’m sorry kel lol #on the bright side. i do have the apocalypseAU which is the mbzAU but the boys do not become monsters #instead they meet as humans and survive the apocalypse together. it’s a much happier version of the story lol #rainyrambles

[anoriginalderivative]

i love you intuitive eating, i love you being in touch with your body/feelings, i love you loving and accepting your health based on how you feel instead of how you look, i love you interpreting cravings as a potential nutritional need, i love you listening to your body the way you deserved to be listened to as a child

#look! #i did a joke format! #anyway #i’m feeling so many things #ive been more in touch with my body than ever in my life #and it’s been the most intense spiritual and psychological experience of my life #i wish everyone could have a welcome home party back into their bodies #pain and trauma are a bitch

[ronkeyroo]

I've been working on so much 333 Lore lately and i'm FINALLY taking steps onto making the physical webcomic/website...It feels surreal to finally be able to manifest a passion project i've been developing for over a decade ;; Holy shit

#Ronkey posts #Raven is finally getting her story made yo!!!!!!!!! #intense werewolf tailwag #I wanna have the most fun with it #no more holding back due to fucked up shit like perfectionism and theft trauma #for the longest time i was afraid to share on this passion project both because its been so so incredibly personal to me and #because my shitass ex friends bastardized and leeched it off so fucking badly when i made the mistake of sharing it with them #fuck em #lets go

[treeshrine]

gonna be real bud if your fic relies so heavily on intense triggering themes and shock value that you're averse to putting warnings on it to "maintain surprise" and "avoid spoilers", then you act like you did nothing wrong when people are upset that you didn't make any effort to turn them away and allow them to protect themselves, while also telling them it's their fault that they read something that upset them when they could have never known it contained specific things that will upset them, i think you are a tar pit

#'warnings are a courtesy!!' yes so why are you apparently averse to being courteous #saying omg fanfiction never used to warn people and print books never warn people so it's not a bad thing if i don't warn you! #that's some 'no one protected me so why should i protect you' type shit #sorry i got recommended this dumb ass post and i had to say something so i'm saying it here #why are you telling people to curate their own experiences while actively making it more difficult to curate their experiences LMFAO #if i read a scene with intensely triggering content without knowing it was there before. 'just closing the book' or 'hitting the back butto #is not protecting myself. how do i protect myself from something I've already read??? #diary #like dude it's possible to protect people from spoilers while also protecting people from seeing things that will distress them #i also honestly take issue with people who do a content warning but just say “this gets into some shit” or something of the like. #you might as well have just not said anything because now i'm confused and on edge #instead of able to protect myself properly i have to try and gauge my personal sensitivity against the unknowable factor of #what your idea of “some shit” is #also telling someone to 'just close the book lol' is an incredibly dismissive approach to people being affected by something triggering #you know these things do happen to people in real life. right. but of course who would have empathy for someone who doesn't want to be #reminded of trauma

[fitzselfships]

Who would've thought that being exposed to one of your triggers (that you only recently found out is a trigger) on a daily basis would be bad for your mental health. Save me f/os </3

#negative #mutual who I'm terrified of cutting off is posting about nothing but h/azbin h/otel #< the mutual isn't anyone here btw #but. I'm terrified of bringing this up with her #since she like. really seems tk not be okay with people who hate v/ivziepop or her work :( #I can't even go on twitter anymore since I keep getting hazbinhotel jumpscared #it's literally my entire tl right now even though I have everything related to it muted #I have had tk block so many peo0le today just to try to rpevent it from popping up #I feel so stupid that some show has become a trigger for me #just. finding out about that sa scene has made it so every time I see anything hazbin hotel related #I start getting intense flashbacks to my csa trauma :( #honestly at this point I think viziepop herself is a trigger for me #seeing her art brings back these memories too #you can call me stupid or sensitive or whatever but i literallt have no control ocer this #I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want some stupid cartoon to become a massive trigger for me #but it happened anyway #sorry for rambling like this lol #this has just been on my mind forever now #it's been almost 2 months now and I'm just. exhausted #csa mention #< in the tags

[peridoxikal-redux]

OC-Tober Day 12: Memory

A meeting lost to time.

#love noting that fu and maki actually did meet as children. neither just remember it very well. #fu actually does remember it fairly alright #hes just not sure if maki is the same kid he met back then #maki just has 0 memory of it since she was going through intense trauma before and after ut #but yeah! they met and got along alright! #dbz #dragonball #dbz oc #oc #original character #peridox ocs #dragon ball #xenoverse oc #maki asabi #mafufuki

[bosspigeon]

man i wish i could draw comics i had such a good idea for a rly good character backstory one for Moss

#pidge babbles #oc: moss #ive finally given him a pre-lobotomy name!!! #it was maw :) #it's between him and orin who i think had a very contentious relationship bc i think they did have a pretty intense rivalry #but were also very much uuuuh trauma-bonded bc who else could understand them??? #maw absolutely saw her as his sister and the only one who was even remotely close to him in terms of power #but he was also very cold and calculating and uuuuuh brutally honest bc he saw no point in mincing words #he was more into mincing flesh #but he and orin absolutely butted heads over methods and abilities #and maw always saw himself as Intrinsically Superior #not because he was Daddy's Favorite but because he was made to be the perfect Bhaalspawn #he didn't *think* he was better than Orin #he simply *was* #to him there was no arrogance in that statement #ANYWAY my friend gave me his old surface pro so i could try to get back into digital art #and i finally got a charger for it #and i dont think it is salvageable unfortunately #he's gonna fuck with it and see if he can get it to work #but if he can't oh well #i got it for free #im bummed but like not mad about it u kno #i have been looking into a refurbished one #and idk maybe i can save up and see if i can drop a couple hundred on one i know for sure will work #it'll also be nice to have a comparatively light and portable laptop #my old laptop is a gaming laptop and as such is Really Fucking Hefty lmao #huge pita to carry around #its also 10 years old and slow as balls #ANYWAY here is my ramble i am slowly trying to get back into being creative again but idk #shit's been whack for the last few months

[epersonae]

The Cooking Project: Yakitori-don

The next card in the stack was a recipe from a friend who I believe lived in Japan for a year. She shared it in Slack, and I wrote it down on a card because free Slack instances have limited history availability. (there will be another recipe later, I think, with a similar origin) I don't know exactly how long ago I wrote it down (2 or 3 years ago, probably), and I've never made it.

Summary: pretty good, would make again with a couple of mods. Unfortunately, there will be a long digression into rice cooking first.

Recipe text, transcribed

Yakitori-don (from Amanda C.)

2-4 chicken breasts 1 c soy sauce 1/2 c sugar 1 tsp garlic salt 1 onion, chopped

all into crock pot on low, 8 hrs [arrow leads to a notes that says try instant for 10 min & quick release] shred chicken, stir back into sauce serve over Nishiki (?) rice

[Nishiki rice, when I looked it up, turns out to be a medium grain white rice similar to Calrose. we'll get to Problems With Rice next]

Things that happen when you move while Trauma, or: Problems With Rice

So my favorite way to make rice, not owning a rice cooker, is with an instant pot. As it happens, I own two of them, because Ryn brought one when they moved out here. Which, I thought: perfect! One for the chicken and one for the rice.

Except, as it turns out, Ryn's rice cooker has a detachable cord. Which was detached at some point presumably in August or September 2021, and is........ SOMEWHERE. Is that somewhere in the box, which is probably in the garage? Is it in another shelf in the kitchen behind a bunch of stuff? Is it in the landfill? I have no idea (yet).

[the Instant Pot that betrayed me]

Which means there was only one instant pot, which is a lot less fun than there was only one bed.

I didn't buy medium grain white rice for this recipe, because I had long grain on hand, and, eh. But that means that my rice is in a container and does not have cooking instructions. So I opened up my trusty copy of How to Cook Everything Vegetarian, which I think I got as a Christmas present like 10 years ago, on the assumption that it would have the usual X rice to Y water for Z time formula that one might find on the back of a bag of rice. Instead, he suggests a method that is "Far easier and more reliable [...] which will work well for any kind of white rice at all" that involves a lot of watching and fiddling with the heat. (which on a gas stove can be quite tricky!) Without getting too deep into it:

I think it might have been cooked properly at the bottom, but the top was almost entirely uncooked. So I started over using his microwave method, which was fine (slightly undercooked) but also got wet starch all over the inside of my microwave. Do not recommend.

tl;dr: If I can't find the power cord for that instant pot, I will probably be buying a rice cooker.

Ok, but how was the chicken?

My one mod in prepping is my standard: I hate the texture of onion, cooked or raw, and at some point I discovered that grating an onion gets the umami of it without the texture. So I did that.

Dumped everything in the instant pot (two chicken breasts, btw), stirred it around a bit, and then set it for ...

Possibly 8 minutes, because I was distracted by all the rice shenanigans, and was just glancing at the card when I set the timer, and uh, may have read the number next to "crock pot" instead of the number next to "instant".

In any case, I did that, set it for 5 minutes before releasing (because that matched the time the microwaved rice needed to sit), and shredded, then let that sit for a little bit while I did a few other things in the kitchen.

[none of the photos I took are particularly good or interesting, tbh]

Final thoughts

It was: fine. I think I just don't really like chicken breast very much; the whole thing definitely needed a fat of some kind to be properly satisfying. But also, it's hard to go wrong with soy sauce and sugar and garlic and onion. I will say that I think cooking the onion raw in liquid made the house smell weird.

It was a decent dinner, made just enough to have leftovers for lunch today. Mostly I wish I'd had some snow peas or something, tho.

I will probably make it again with the following modifications: chicken thighs instead of breast, and either onion powder or saute the onion first for a little better onion flavor (slash less-weird house smell).

If I were being ✨ fancy ✨, I'd reduce the sauce a bit, maybe with a little cornstarch, and I can see where this is probably a big difference between crock pot (which I don't own) and instant pot.

All of that contingent on actually being able to make good rice, though.

#food as play #I also had a weird intense emotion reaction to it maybe not turning out related to some personal trauma history #which was helpful (!) in uncovering more thoughts about why getting back to cooking is hard #so already I've learned something!

[blatantlyhidden]

.

#i had my first brainspotting session today to help with my trauma and i'm so surprised at how well it worked??? #like i wasn't really sure about it at first but it was insane how many physical reactions it got out of me #the most insane part was when moving to a spot further back those intense emotions chaotic thoughts and physical uneasyness disappeared #i'm still pretty nervous about next time tho bc i know it's only gonna get more intense #personal

[our-inspire-verse]

Fuck ptsd.

I literally thought i found the blog of an Ex bc it had the same format as their posts and i got so sick and dizzy my head started hurting. Fuck it even had the same fandom they tried to force on me. Christ. Please god just. Fucks sake they were everywhere, and now they can be anywhere, and im not tryna interact.

Lmao if yall see this i want you to block me, on god you wanted me gone so make like what vox demanded and stay gone you rats.

You know exactly who you are and what you did and you know exactly why im talking this way. Otherwise

Holy shit yall that was fucking. A lot to deal with im having trouble breathing. The shower will surely help, so imma make like i did the first day i fronted and cure us of this rancid.

#fizzarolli #ptsd #jesus christ i just had a fucking flashback man #like. idk whyd that all have to go down how it did. im still living in the aftermath and yea it was my choice but cmon man really #and THAT fandom? THAT intensely? i shoulda went back home. #im back now anyway and i got so much stuff to do tho #everyrhing gonna be okay. thag WASNT EVEN MY TRAUMA I WASNT FORMED FOR THAT #let alone near front #but fuck man yall hear that i think parts of me were evident throughout our whole life? whyd i wanna be a trapeze artist as a kid #system babbles #vent #fictive #introject

[flamingfalcon3]

Doing some brainstorming for my HoA AU and wrote this little excerpt:

“Nothing could have prepared Nina for the sheer loneliness of at all.

She couldn’t tell how many days had gone by. The only source of light was from the occasional faint glow of her locket tied around her foot. The first time it glowed she was filled with a rush of hope, that maybe the locket had realized its mistake she would wake up in her own body once again. But as the light dimmed, so did her spirits.

She wanted nothing more than to scream and sob into the darkness because at least she would maintain some level of humanity. But birds can’t cry. And now, neither could Nina.”

#oh yeah it’s canon divergent post s2 #nina is my newest blorbo so I need to make her give her even more intense emotional trauma #anyway it’s 5 AM I need to go back to bed #house of anubis au #house of anubis #nina martin #house of anubis fic #falcon nina au

[magentagalaxies]

it's getting emotional over scott thompson hours (toronto edition)

thinking about how a year ago I was dealing with the most intense depressive episode of my life and one of the only things getting me through it was listening to scott's podcast PTSDIVA and holding on to the hope that I could someday meet him

one year later and today I gave him a flash drive archive of every PTSDIVA episode bc the original app it streamed on is down (he looked so happy to have it!! he kept holding up the flashdrive going "the entire thing is on here??? thank you so much!!!" it was adorable) and on top of that he happily let me sign his cast from breaking his wrist recently (he's fine btw) bc we're close enough that this man who felt like a mythical species of "comedian" is now just a normal guy who is going to have a big blue "JESSAMINE" on his arm for the next few weeks

and i'm just sitting here like. what a difference a year makes. personally, professionally, meeting both actual kith members and all the friends i've made in the kith community online, completing my biggest project to date and getting ready to launch an even bigger project with my comedy heroes who now feel like family, finding home in a city i'd never been to last year but now feels like where i'll be spending so much of my life. and getting excited for where i will be one year from now as well

i know it's difficult believing things will get better, and sometimes hearing another person's story doesn't help that belief because it sounds so unbelievable, but i truly hope my trajectory over this past year has been inspiring, but regardless i know i've truly inspired myself and i'm not done yet

#i'll probably make another post on the anniversary of the day before other girls was performed bc jfc worst (and low key best) day ofmy life #bc that day walking back from rehearsal was truly the most intensely self-loathing and depressed i've ever been #(and i know it sounds ridiculous bc i was literally getting a musical produced but trauma is weird that way) #but that was my rock bottom and i got to be like ''no. i'm gonna force myself to see how this all turns out'' and here i am #with scott thompson literally telling me that he's lucky to have me in his life now #i'm so so grateful for past jessamine for making it through that storm and everything i do is to show zir it was worth it