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niningtori · 2 months

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to know him is to love him, and i do | chapter two: he can't keep living like this

pairing(s): choi beomgyu x you, kang taehyun x you

summary: you love beomgyu more than anything. you just wish he loved you, too. or you finally break up with beomgyu and move on, but as for him? maybe he's starting to realize too little too late.

genre: romance, angst, angst with a happy ending (?)

word count: 2.3k

notes: hello again :) here is chapter two! i'm actually really nervous to post this, so i hope you all like it! check the ending for more notes <3 also, shout out to user woncheecks for being my test audience! anyway, enjoy!

the first time beomgyu realizes just how impactful your absence is, nothing in particular happens. it's a regular tuesday night a week or so after your "breakup" and he's bored out of his mind. he showers, listens to music, texts his friends and makes himself dinner, but something is missing.

as he sits on his couch, he realizes what it is: you. right about now, you should be pestering him to hang out and showing up on his doorstep to watch a movie. he'd roll his eyes at first but eventually relent, as long as he got to pick the movie, of course. he wouldn't say it, but he'd actually enjoy glancing over and seeing your reactions. you were comically expressive and every twist and turn of the plot had your eyes bulging and mouth agape, turning to him for confirmation that he was seeing the same things you were. when you watched inception for the first time it absolutely rocked your world.

he's alone, but he puts on a movie, anyway. every so often, his head turns to the side with the corner of his mouth raised, but you're not there to give a reaction. he should be used to your absence by the third twist, but he still finds himself subconsciously turning to you throughout the rest of the movie. when the credits roll, he's half expecting to hear you chatter on about how crazy it was, but it's silent. the only time that would happen would be when you'd accidentally drift off in spite of how engrossed you were. you'd try to fight it off like a stubborn kid, but would succumb by the final act. he smiles at the memory before shaking his head in disbelief. what's wrong with him?

moments like these plague him more and more frequently, but the most notable one is the night before his first day at a new job. he briefly talks to his friends about his excitement, but he's too embarrassed to divulge just how anxious he is. times like this, he'd come over and complain for however long he needed. you'd sit and nod, asking questions during his pauses to encourage him to continue, always adding appropriate and thoughtful commentary.

his thoughts wander to how you're doing alone. you really love him, it seems, so he can only imagine how you're faring without him. he wishes you hadn't blocked his number so he could at least ask how you are. maybe you'd even tell him you miss him. not for the first time, he begins to wonder if he pushed you too far this time around. you've gotten angry and given him the silent treatment before, sure, but you've never blocked him and you've certainly never done it for so long.

he looks you up on instagram for the first time since your breakup. he's not terribly surprised when he sees he's blocked on there too, but all it takes is a switch to his photography account, which you had forgotten to block, to see what you're up to now.

the first thing he notices is a picture of you sitting outside with an ice cream cone in hand, face flushed and sun encircling you like an angel. your smile is beaming and your eyes are crinkled and he can almost hear your giggle through the screen. the caption reads "ice cream date with my best friend! <3"

he scrambles through his memories to try to remember a time in recent history when you two did something similar, but he comes up blank. what he does recall, though, is you mentioning a new frozen yogurt place you wanted to visit with him for your birthday. he nodded in response but he knew he wouldn't go with you, opting instead to get shitfaced with his friends. in retrospect, maybe you knew it too. he had checked his phone the next morning and saw he had at least half a dozen missed calls and well over a dozen texts from you. when he finally texted you back, you took almost a full 5 hours to respond, which was uncommon. usually, you'd text back within minutes. it occurred to him later on that that was your version of the silent treatment and it amused him that you could only hold out for a few hours. he honestly found it kind of cute.

he remembers what you did for his birthday. how you had secretly invited his friends over to his apartment to surprise him after an especially shitty day at work. he came home to an elaborately decorated apartment and all of his favorite people greeting him. he remembers how happy you looked when he opened up your present to him, which was the guitar he had always secretly wanted but could never quite justify buying for himself. you were so excited, any spectator would think he had gotten you the gift of your dreams and not the other way around. you were practically buzzing with excitement when he pulled you in for a kiss. his friends had whooped at the display of affection and you had felt your cheeks heat up. what did he get you for your birthday again? anything?

he spends days pondering over this and similar circumstances, which eventually turn into weeks upon weeks. what starts as a nagging feeling that he may have gone too far in his neglect for you becomes pure, unadulterated guilt and anxiety. he recalls just how torn up you seemed the last time he saw you. to be honest, at the time, he was mostly just irritated. but he never thought you'd actually leave. all he can see is that awful look on your face when you finally ended everything and all he can remember is the fact that he put it there. he knows in his heart that he has no right to feel this way, but he feels it all the same.

you would have never imagined you'd actually like somebody other than beomgyu, but taehyun makes it as easy as possible given the sticky circumstances. you met at a club your best friend dragged you to, both you and taehyun had to remain sober (hello designated drivers) and ended up having a surprisingly engaging conversation amidst the smell of beer, sweat, and sex. after that, the rest is history.

he can tell you've been hurt before, but he gently coaxes you into opening up as you spend more and more time with him. you're afraid of being overbearing and coming across as a lovesick puppy again, but taehyun is gentle and seems to enjoy your attention and affection, even if he's a surface level tsundere. more than that, he actually reciprocates it.

do you still think about beomgyu? of course. do you miss him? well, you'd never admit it to a single soul, but the way you see him in everything has to be an indicator that you do. it's getting better, though. more bearable.

a month or so into your relationship, you post about taehyun for the first time. you don't know why you're so nervous about announcing to the world that you have a boyfriend again, but happiness overwhelms your fear when you're met with nothing but positivity.

beomgyu is shellshocked, to put it mildly. the picture of you and your so-called boyfriend is sickly sweet. it's not over the top or anything—just a candid of you in a café holding hands with him while looking over the same menu. the caption is nothing other than a heart and squirrel emoji (why?) and both he and your best friend are tagged. his finger jumps to the boy's profile and he sees the same photo. he scoffs at the cheesiness of it all, but his heart aches at the way all of your friends have commented on the post expressing their happiness for you. they had never approved of him for reasons he's only now beginning to understand.

you always defended him in front of your friends no matter what he did or didn't do. you'd "comfort" him after your friends said something snarky and explain that they just didn't understand him. you'd say that if they knew the real him, they'd see him differently. at the time, he'd scoff and say something along the lines of "i don't need for them to see me differently because i couldn't give less of a fuck about what they think." you'd be hurt, of course you would be, but you'd never say so.

more and more, like an outsider looking in, he can see just how awful he was to you. it's to his horror that he realizes this must be the case for you, too. the chances of you getting back together with him seem slimmer and slimmer, especially now that you've got that pretty boy on your arm. your words echo in his mind as if to haunt him: "what can i do to make you give a fuck about me?" leave, apparently, and don't look back.

he can't keep living like this.

a knock on your door is all it takes to ruin your night — you had actually had a really good day up until now. you and taehyun had gone on a breakfast date and napped together until he had to leave in the afternoon, so you're humming now in contentment while applying your nightly skincare, thinking relentlessly about the boy you think you might be starting to love. it feels different from the love you felt for beomgyu, but in a good way. you still think about him and wonder how he's doing, but you always derail that train of thought with a god-given force previously unknown to you. he doesn't care about you, you chant to yourself. it's almost like your daily mantra. in the midst of your thoughts, you hear a knock on the door. you smile widely when you surmise that it's probably taehyun again. you don't realize just how big your grin is until it drops.

standing before you is not your lovely boyfriend, but the man who made you question whether or not you were even lovable in the first place. he has a small smile on his face, and if you were to look a little more carefully, you'd notice that he actually seems a little nervous.

"hi," he says, breaking the silence. his heart was racing a mile a minute. potential scenarios battered his mind the entire way here. what would you do when you saw him? smile? he could handle that. cry? he could also handle that, even if he didn't want to see your tears. what he is not prepared for is the blankness of your features when you ask: "what are you doing here?"

his smile falters almost imperceptibly.

"i, uh. i just wanted to see you." you're merciful enough to give him a nod of encouragement to continue. "a-and i wanted to tell you that i haven't stopped thinking about you for the past few months. and that i think i'm finally ready to be with you," he finishes with a shaky breath.

you're quiet for a moment and squint your eyes as if you're deep in thought.

"but i thought you were dating someone now? your ex?"

"i'm not!" he says almost a little too quickly.

"i heard you were," you counter, not quite believing him. you heard he had been seeing his ex from one of your friends who happened to live in her apartment complex. she had seen his car in the parking lot a few times in the last couple of weeks and had no reason to lie to you.

"w-well, i've seen her a few times, but not seriously. i — to be honest, i was just trying to get over you. but i've finally realized that i can't becau—"

"so, just to make sure i understand, you're not over me so you're seeing her?" his eyes widen in shock before his head hangs in shame as he realizes exactly what he's done and how he must look to you right about now, but you're not finished. "isn't that what you were doing with me?" your voice is low and indifferent, but each word feels tailor-made to slash at his heart. "wow, i guess some things really never change, but don't worry, i'm sure once she moves on you'll finally see the good in her instead of me," you spit out.

"can you listen to me? please?" beomgyu is so ashamed he wants to die. he fumbles for the right words, but when he accidentally makes eye contact with you, they die on his lips. he wishes you would give him time to process what you were saying and mull over what to respond with because you always knew he was bad with words, but he supposes he lost the right to your patience a long time ago.

"you want me to listen to you so you can fuck with my head until the next person rolls around?" the latter words are strangled by the tightness in your throat and he can't help but wince. when he thinks it's over, you continue.

"nobody has ever made me feel as small as you have. i hated myself because of you," your lip trembles and before he can say a word, you're raising your hand to shut the door.

"wait, wait, wait! just let me say this," he pleads as he gently grasps the doorframe. "i... i love you." he almost thinks he hears you gasp, but he's too busy looking into your unreadable eyes to know for sure. he had never said anything like this to you before. you're completely silent for a few moments before breaking the tense atmosphere.

"j-jesus, i mean, i guess i just don't know what to say," you sputter and his eyes alight with what looks suspiciously like hope. "except maybe that... i'm sorry you feel that way?" you finish with a sardonic smile and a roll of your eyes. before he can respond, which he actually intends to do this time around, you slam the door in his face.

notes pt. 2: yeah... sorry ;-; i know this was a lot of background, but i felt it was necessary. also, if you didn't get the memo, there will be a part 3. stay tuned <3

#niningtori #to know him is to love him and i do #txt angst #beomgyu #txt beomgyu #beomgyu x reader #beomgyu x you #beomgyu fic #txt #txt fic #tomorrow x together #toxic!beomgyu #txt imagines #txt scenarios #txt headcanons #beomgyu headcanons #beomgyu imagines #beomgyu scenarios

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leejihoonownsmyheart · 1 year

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The Art of Humiliation (M)

Part two of Pathetic series (you guys responded so positively to Pathetic I cranked this out as fast as I could 🫡 and I think it is of good quality)

Simplified tags: 7.7k words, Porn with Plot, frat boy!Jeonghan, college student!y/n, best friend!Jeongyeon, soft!dom to hard!dom Jeonghan, mean!Jeonghan (and y/n loves it), submissive!y/n, female!y/n (sorry gender-neutral friends), heavy degradation, light masochist!y/n, sadist!Jeonghan, mild pain kink, vaginal fingering, cunnulingus, creampie, spitting, slapping, spitting, mentions of safe words but they’re never used, big dick!Jeonghan, blowjob, slight public play, phone sex, y/n has a humiliation kink, mentions of aftercare but I don’t write it happening he just says what he’ll do

Officially dub con but off the book I think the consent is pretty explicit, again just tagging it so because it is an intense fic.

Guys I didn’t think I could outdo the filth that is Pathetic, but I really think I did and I don’t think I’ll be able to top this.

“Yoon Jeonghan?” Jeongyeon blurted, dropping her burger onto her tray. You shushed her not wanting the entire University cafeteria to know exactly what you had gotten up to on Friday night.

“Sorry, it’s just…” Jeongyeon whistled. “Jeonghan sleeps with a lot of people but not just anyone. And you- you don’t ever sleep with strangers.”

“It was a frat party,” you grumbled. “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do at frat parties?”

“That’s what I do at frat parties,” Jeongyeon corrected. “But you? I don’t know it’s just uncharacteristic.”

“Yeah,” you agreed. “Maybe… Can we just focus back on the food?”

Jeongyeon sighed and picked her burger back up between for fingers. She went to take a bite but stopped.

“Are you going to see him again?”

You choked on your sprite.

“See Jeonghan?” You blurted. Your head dropped, your face burning red. Now you were the one too loud. “I highly doubt he’ll want to sleep with me again. Doesn’t he… Sleep around a lot?”

“Yeah,” Jeongyeon agreed, nodding her head slowly. “I don’t think he’s ever slept with anyone twice.”

You shook your head in disbelief.

“Imagine being so attractive that you have that many people at your disposal willing to sleep with you,” you said in awe. “I bet his one night stands beg him for a second turn.”

“Is he actually that good?” Jeongyeon asked, her eyebrows briefly disappearing beneath her bangs. “I always assumed that the rumors were dramatized.”

You snorted.

“No, not dramatized at all,” you said with a shake of your head. “I never thought a man would make me come.”

“See, that’s the good thing about Jimin,” Jeongyeon said. “As much as I hate to say it- He uses his fingers very well.”

You rolled your eyes at the mention of Jeongyeon’s enemy but that was all the commentary you placed on it.

“I suppose if he reached out and wanted to…” you trailed off, one of your fingers subconsciously brushing against one of the bruises that he had left on your hips. On the bright side of the whole night, he hadn’t left any visible bruises on you.

You swallowed a little too hard, remembering the way that he had looked at you as he drilled into you.

Maybe the lack of visible bruises was a con.

“It doesn’t matter,” you said dismissively. “Everyone knows that Jeonghan doesn’t fuck the same person twice.”

“You look troubled,” Seungcheol observed. Jeonghan sighed, a bit dramatically he would admit, and rested his head on his hand.

“I guess.”

“Last night’s girl not up to your standards?” Jihoon observed. Jeonghan shrugged.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but, my already boring escapades have felt even more boring since our party last week,” Jeonghan admitted. Jihoon’s eyebrows shot up.

“Really? Since you stole y/n from Chan?”

Jeonghan nodded, not even bothering to argue the statement that he had stolen you. Even though it wasn’t remotely true.”

“She…” He trailed off. “Well, she was everything I wanted and more.”

“Romantic,” Seokmin commented, knowing full well it wasn’t that.

“Well? Are you gonna sleep with her again?” Seungcheol pressed. “Is she the long awaited…” He took a deep sigh of regret before saying: “Whore?”

“I don’t sleep with anyone twice,” Jeonghan dismissed. “She’ll be out of my system by the time I get the next girl in my bed.”

The room groaned.

“And here I thought our school population was finally safe.”

Jeonghan rolled his eyes, his thoughts turning back to you.

He wondered what he would do if he were to find himself in the same room as you again.

“Alpha Mu, Alpha Mu, Alpha Mu,” Jeongyeon chanted, running around the small dorm room excitedly. You rolled your eyes at her, trying to bat away her hands.

“Come on, can’t I have one Friday night of peace?”

“Jimin was-”

Your threw your hand over Jeongyeon’s mouth, your eyes wide.

“I’ll come if you just promise not to tell me whatever dumb thing Jimin did.”

Jeongyeon’s tongue darted out to the palm of your hand, making you squeal in protest. Jeongyeon just smiled sheepishly at you.

“Alpha Mu!”

You didn’t really understand why Jeongyeon insisted on inviting you to these parties, because she almost never actually spent any time with you at the them. Jeongyeon dragged you into the party, tugging down your short skirt, fluffing your hair and readjusting your crop top before dropping you off with Kim Mingyu and rushing to Jun’s side.

Mingyu was a nice guy. Fun to be around at parties when you were drinking, but you weren’t in the mood for a hangover when you knew you had to work tomorrow. You ended up just wandering away from him.

There wasn’t anyone at this party that you knew- that was practically immediately noticeable.

Sure, there were familiar faces, but aside from the Alpha Mu boys, you couldn’t really name anyone. You couldn’t even name all of the boys in Alpha Mu.

You had been at the party for about an hour, considering just leaving before your eyes fell on just the person that you had been hoping you would see.

Jeonghan was standing, a water bottle in hand as he tucked his dark hair behind his ears. He smiled at Soonyoung, saying something that you couldn’t make out.

You looked away from Jeonghan.

This was why you hadn’t wanted to go to the party. You knew that you would see Jeonghan and you knew that you would want him all over again. Just looking at him you felt your core begin to heat, wondering what he would do if he put his hands on you again.

It didn’t help that you had stupidly avoided touching yourself all week. Your thought process had been something that you could only blame on mind break. You were so drunk on the idea of Jeonghan’s dick that you had refused to do what he should be doing yourself.

You risked a glance back at Jeonghan, hoping that no one would notice the look. You were desperate for his attention and at the same time terrified for him to notice you.

But you supposed you weren’t doing a good job of hiding the fact that you couldn’t keep your eyes off of Jeonghan. You felt someone nudge into you, shooting you a sharp glare.

“Are you looking at Yoon Jeonghan?” The girl snapped. Your eyebrows furrowed slightly.

“Maybe,” you said. You felt your chin tilt up slightly, trying to show this girl that you were obviously much taller than her. You weren’t really sure what she wanted, but you could tell by the way she was looking at you that she was ready to fight you if needed. “Why do you care?”

“Because I’m going home with him tonight,” the girl said back. “So stop eyeing him up like you have a chance.”

You scoffed, unable to help it.

“I think you’d break in half if you went home with Yoon Jeonghan,” you insisted. “There’s no way you could handle him.”

“Oh, I get it,” the girl replied, not even hesitating between responses. A small smile crept on her face. “You’re one of his used toys. He tossed you aside because you weren’t good enough and now you want what you can’t have.”

The girl laughed, and flipped her long dark hair out of her face, hitting yours with it.

“Well, at least one of us will be of use to Jeonghan tonight. After all, everyone knows...” She leaned close to your ear. “He doesn’t double dip.”

She turned away from you and began to walk away from you. You watched her, your chest heaving as you tried to calm yourself down. Your face was burning red, and your fingers were balled at your side.

You watched as she walked up to Jeonghan, placing her hand on Jeonghan’s chest. She slipped her hand beneath the collar of his shirt, getting on her toes so that she could brush her lips against his cheek.

Jeonghan didn’t seem upset by the touch but he seemed surprised. His arm came around the girl, his hand falling on the small of her back. He murmured something to her, his eyes trailing around the room as if to try and find the reason for her sudden affection.

His eyes stopped when they fell on you.

You cleared your throat in surprise, turning your attention away from the two to try and make it seem like you weren’t looking and like you weren’t jealous, but when you glanced back towards him, he was still staring at you.

His eyebrow quirked when your gazes met and he tilted his face down so that his lips were against the girl from before’s ears.

He whispered something to her, something that made her look embarrassed and glance over at you. You looked away quickly, but you could feel eyes still on you.

You needed to disappear.

You wandered over to the punch bowl, picking up a cup. You looked at the liquid in the bowl, unable to help the way that your fingers tightened around the cup in frustration.

God, how pathetic were you to be wet? Jeonghan hadn’t even done anything to you. He was spending all of his time paying attention to that dumb girl and yet… If he asked-

“Someone looks frustrated.”

You glanced over your shoulder, surprised to see a man you had never seen before. You squinted at him, trying to place him even as someone you passed in the halls but he was ringing no bells. He seemed to notice your confusion and held out his hand. “Yongtae.”

Your nose wrinkled slightly.

“Not interested,” you commented. Yongtae laughed in surprise, throwing his hands in the air.

“I hadn’t even proposed anything yet.”

You sighed. He was right, but still. You didn’t really want Jeonghan to see you talking to someone else. It was stupid but if he did, it might dissuade him from fucking you again. You furrowed your eyebrows in frustration.

“I suppose not.”

Still you put a little bit of space between the two of you.

“Your boyfriend must be pretty possessive for you to be so closed off to a guy talking to you at a party,” Yongtae observed. He took a cup from the table and lifted it towards you. “I mean as he should be. Look at you.”

He gestured towards you.

“The short skirt? The crop top? People are practically fighting to keep their eyes off of you,” Yongtae continued, turning his hand to wave and to the crowd. “I hope I don’t sound too much like a pig.”

“I’ll certainly complain about this conversation to my best friend,” you commented. He nodded, scrunching his nose.

“Deserved. Sorry.”

He was silent for a moment.

“But if you have a possessive boyfriend that makes you not even want to talk to other people at parties, why is he making you stand alone?”

“Have you ever thought that maybe I don’t want to talk to you for my own reasons?” You snapped. Yongtae’s eyes widened slightly.

“Okay, okay, sore topic,” he agreed. “Look. I’m just super bored. The Alpha Mu boys are practically untouchable. I don’t know anyone here.”

“Look, I-” You sighed. “You seem... Better than most people here.” That wasn’t saying much. “But I’m not looking for company tonight.”

“But... We could talk another time?” Yongtae asked. “I’m new to school, I don’t really know anyone. Genuinely just need a friend to talk to.”

Your eyebrows furrowed at him but you couldn’t really find malice in his eyes. Yongtae proceeded to produce a sharpie.

“Have a paper?”

You shook your head, offering him your arm instead.

“I’ll just lose a paper.”

Yeongtae seemed surprised by the suggestion but didn’t hesitate to take the sharpie and write his phone number on your arm. You looked down at the numbers and nodded.

“Okay, cool. I’ll call you.”

“What do you want to do?” Yeongtae asked, leaning on the table beside him.

“Get lunch or something... I don’t know...” You trailed off. “I need to keep moving.”

“Who are you worried about seeing you anyways?” Yeongtae’s eyes trailed through the room. “The only one looking at you right now is Yoon Jeonghan.”

Your eyes widened, and you tightened your grip on the cup.

“Fuck can I-” You looked down at the drink in your cup. “Can I throw this on you?”

Yeongtae’s eyebrows rose in surprise.

“Well, I guess-”

You threw the drink in his face practically instantly.

“Now stop talking to me!” You said loudly. Then, a little quieter: “I’ll text you or something.”

You turned away from Yeongtae on your heel and once again pushed through the party before stopping in the corner. Your face was hot with the stress of having been caught talking to Yeongtae. You were so screwed.

If Jeonghan had been even considering sleeping with you tonight, those thoughts were in the dust now. You hadn’t been good enough. You wanted to scream. Jeonghan was going to go home with that stupid bimbo and she was going to be just like you were the week before: Desperate and begging for his cock.

“What are you doing here?” You looked up, your mouth going dry when you realized who was standing in front of you. You stepped back, eyes wide.

“Je-Jeonghan,” you managed to get out. Your eyes dropped to the ground and you cleared your throat. ”Jeongyeon brought me.”

“Ah, yeah, I thought I saw her earlier,” he agreed. You looked back up at him, noticing that he had you fixed under an intense gaze. “She always finds someone to take home. I suppose you’ll need a place to stay tonight.”

“I’m practically used to hiding underneath my comforter,” you said with a sigh. “What about you? I saw you hanging out with that girl.”

“Who?” He asked, his eyebrows raising. “You mean, Chaedom? She was in the books. But she seemed to think she had some competition... What do you think? Do you think she has competition?”

As Jeonghan spoke he stepped closer to you, his arm wrapping around your body. He tugged you up close to his chest.

“I don’t know,” you said quietly. “I think... I think that you shouldn’t take her back to your place.”

“You sound jealous. Do you think I’m yours just because we spent one night together?” Jeonghan sounded amused as he spoke. “Don’t you know?”

“You don’t fuck anyone twice,” you replied immediately. “I know.”

Your eyes dropped back to the ground, obsessed with the feeling of Jeonghan’s hands on your exposed back. You cleared your throat.

“I just... Haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, is all.”

Jeonghan hummed.

“Do you think you even deserve to be fucked again?” He asked you. “Do you really think that you deserve that?”

Your face was burning all over again.

“I mean...” You trailed off. “I would try my best to make it worth your while.”

Jeonghan’s fingers dipped underneath your shirt, searching for your bra. You looked up at him, just as he realized what you knew he would.

“You’re not even wearing..” He interrupted himself with a laugh. “Why’d you turn down that guy earlier, huh? He seemed like he would have taken you if had let him. That’s all you want isn’t it? Just a little bit of cock to fill that stupid cunt.”

A shiver wrecked through your body. You started to feel even more of your body warm, your fingers itching to touch Jeonghan the way that he was touching you.

“I didn’t want his cock,” you murmured. “I want yours.”

Jeonghan snorted.

“Beg for it.”

Your eyes widened at the request, but you weren’t above doing so.

“Jeonghan, I really want you to fuck me,” you spoke immediately. You hesitantly raised your hand to his chest. “I’ll do whatever you want me to. I’ll take you however you want. I just need you. I’ll be better then that stupid bitch would be in a million years. And-”

You raised yourself up a little so that you were closer to Jeonghan’s height. You lightly breathed in his face.

“Not a drop of liquor-” Jeonghan interrupted you by raising his hands to the back of your neck, smashing your lips together. You immediately melted into his touch. “Please, choose me,” you mumbled into his mouth. “I’ll be so good, anything you want-”

Jeonghan raised his grip to your hair, pulling back sharply.

“You-”

His eyes trailed down your body before suddenly stopping.

Jeonghan’s eyes darkened as he grabbed you by the forearm, sharply exposing your arm for him to see.

“What’s this?” He demanded. “You were being good all night but clearly I missed something.”

“That’s just-” You stammered over yourself trying to find your words. “He just wanted to be friends. I told him I wasn’t interested in anything else.”

Jeonghan didn’t look very convinced.

“Get it off.”

Your eyebrows shot up.

“What?”

“Get. It. Off,” Jeonghan repeated.

He didn’t have to say it again. You were quick to rush through the party, desperately searching for the kitchen. You rummaged through the cupboards, trying to find something that would help get it off. Why had you let that man write in sharpie on your arm? Why hadn’t you just taken his phone number in your phone? Where you stupid?

You found an alcohol wipe and grabbed it, rubbing frantically at your arm. The color faded but, unfortunately, didn’t completely disappear. You rushed to the sink and grabbed a sponge and some soap, rubbing your arm desperately with the sponge under some hot water. You scrubbed at it quickly, but despite your efforts the most it did was smudge the numbers.

You felt frantic but before you could try even more you felt yourself get roughly grabbed. You turned around to find Jeonghan standing there.

He exposed your forearm to himself and snorted.

“Stupid slut.”

He pulled you close to him again, looking down at you with narrowed eyes.

“You want to be fucked tonight?” He hissed at you. Despite it all you nodded eagerly.

“Please.”

As Jeonghan dragged you through the party he mumbled to you a few things, the most important of all those things being a safe word.

“If you use it at any point of the night I will stop immediately. No shame in my actions being too much for you, okay? No matter what I won’t be upset at you.”

You nodded. He made you promise that you knew what the word was, making you repeat it at nauseam before finally you were in his room and he was slamming the door shut behind you two.

“Now strip.”

You practically ripped your clothes off, excited to find that once you had turned around Jeonghan’s clothes were off too. You tried to hide your excitement but your core was burning in a way that was practically uncomfortable. You needed to be touched so badly, but you had to be patient.

Jeonghan wandered to his bed, sitting at the edge, with his legs spread wide.

“Come here-” You took a step forward but before you could get far, Jeonghan raised a finger in the air.

“No, no, no,” he laughed. “Crawl.”

Your eyes widened but you dropped down to your hands and knees, crawling over to Jeonghan. He laughed at you again, shaking his head.

“You’re so pathetic,” he said. “Don’t you have any sense of shame? You’d really crawl for me huh?”

Once you had closed the distance between the two of you, you situated yourself in between Jeonghan’s knees. His eyebrows furrowed at you and he roughly grabbed your chin.

“I spoke to you,” he snapped. “I expect an answer, or I will force an answer out of you.”

“I would do anything for you,” you replied immediately. “Ask me to do anything and I’ll do it, I will, I just need you to touch me.”

Jeonghan snorted, pulling his hands away from you.

“Then prove you deserve it,” he stated. “Come on, show me how good you can be. Can you take my cock like you did last time huh?”

You nodded.

“I can, I will-”

You wrapped your fingers around the base of his cock, your mouth practically drooling as you looked at his long thick cock. You whined, as you raised your eyes back up to him.

“Can I... Can I please suck your cock?” You begged. Jeonghan’s hum was guttural.

“You better be good.”

You eagerly sucked the tip of Jeonghan’s cock into your mouth, and began to tease the slit on the tip of his cock with your tongue. Your could feel wetness seeping out of your pussy as you sucked his cock into your mouth, but you did your best to ignore that agonizing urge to be fucked. You began to work more of his cock into your mouth but Jeonghan sighed.

“I appreciate that you are trying to be a stupid little tease, and I admire the fact that you are trying to be good and patient but every other girl I’ve slept with has been so fucking unsatisfying.”

He tightened his fingers in your hair, ripping you off his cock.

“I’m going to use your throat like a fucking flesh light. You think you can handle that?”

You nodded excitedly, your fingers curling and uncurling against his thighs.

“Please.”

He smiled.

“And what should you do if you need me to stop?”

“Tap your thigh twice,” you replied immediately.

“Good girl,” he said, his voice airy. “You remember so well.”

He guided your mouth back to his cock and you opened your mouth obediently.

Jeonghan roughly pushed you all the way down on his cock. You gagged immediately but reminded yourself that you needed to breathe through your nose. You were quick to gather yourself, but just as you were getting comfortable Jeonghan was pulling you up on his cock and practically slamming you back down. He placed his hands on the sides of your face so that he had a better grip and true to his word began to use you as if you were nothing but a toy. His grunts filled the room, tumbling out of his mouth in a way that only made yourself leak more on Jeonghan’s floor.

“I want you to touch yourself whore,” Jeonghan said. “You want that don’t you? Your stupid pussy needs some attention. Go on and touch yourself for me.”

You lowered one of your shaking hands between your thighs, your fingers pressing on your clit. You moaned out at the feeling, and began to rub your clit in small circles, careful not to stimulate yourself too much, knowing that it would just make you cum.

“I don’t want you to just play with your clit,” he snapped. “I want you to fucking fuck yourself as if I’m fucking you.”

Jeonghan pulled your face off of his cock and you gasped for air, nodding.

“Right, I’m sorry,” you mumbled. Jeonghan’s hand lowered to your chin, his fingers spreading your spit all over your face. You looked at him, panting as you slid two fingers into your pussy. A whine left your lips at the feeling.

“You sure this isn’t too much?” Jeonghan asked, his voice soft like it had been after you two had finished last time. “Your mascara’s running.”

“I’m sorry,” you apologized. You raised your free hand to wipe away the tears that you hadn’t even realized were running down your face but Jeonghan’s hand caught yours.

“Don’t apologize,” Jeonghan said. “I like how it makes you look. Pathetic.”

You felt your face heat at his words, knowing that it wasn’t necessarily a compliment but it felt like one anyways.

“Get up on the bed,” Jeonghan said after a moment. Your eyes widened and you pulled your fingers out of yourself scrambling onto the edge of the bed. Jeonghan hummed, getting down on the floor himself.

“My biggest regret from last time?” Jeonghan asked, his voice low again. “Not getting to taste your pretty little cunt.”

Jeonghan situated himself between your knees this time, pressing your thighs apart with the palm of his hands.

“God, your cunt is gorgeous you know that? For a slut you are so fucking beautiful. Impossible not to stare at you at a party,” Jeonghan mumbled. “Can’t imagine how many boners men must get when they see you.”

He reached forward, his fingers sliding between your leaking folds.

“And if they knew how dirty you are? I would have trouble keeping you to myself,” Jeonghan commented. You moaned as two of his fingers slipped into you. He pulled them out and slid them between his lips. A smile crossed his lips. “And if they knew how good you taste?”

Jeonghan leaned forward, his tongue darting out to flick over your clit. You whined, leaning back as his lips attached themselves to your clit. He sucked hard on it for a few seconds before his mouth trailed down.

He always criticized you for being sloppy but he wasn’t any different. He practically devoured you, his fingers digging into your ass as he held your pussy as close to his mouth as he could. He dipped his tongue into you and flicked your clit, and practically sucked you dry.

You couldn’t help the tears that sprouted from your eyes at the pure pleasure.

“Jeo-Jeonghan,” you stuttered out. “I can’t- I’m going to-”

You panted hard, forcing yourself to keep focus.

“I’m going to c-cum. Can I? Can I-”

Jeonghan growled against your lips.

“You want to come all over my face?” He murmured against your pussy sending vibrations through your core. “You think you deserve to be the first to come?”

You shook your head no, even though Jeonghan couldn’t see what you were doing at all and he didn’t really seem to care.

“Come all over my face baby,” Jeonghan mumbled. “Let yourself go. Don’t think about anything. Just think about how much you love my mouth on your cunt.”

Your fingers clenched tightly at the bed sheets as your thighs shook around Jeonghan’s head. You felt your pussy clenching as you came all over Jeonghan’s mouth.

You were sure he would be mad at you for it but instead he wiped his lips with his hand and then pressed two fingers into you.

“You’re so messy,” Jeonghan mumbled. “Can’t help your cunt leaking out everywhere. I make you like that don’t I? Desperate and wet.”

You mewled as he slowly worked those two fingers in and out of you, the sensitivity at having just come starting to disappear.

“Fucked stupid and I haven’t even actually fucked you yet,” Jeonghan mumbled, his eyes narrowing slightly as he looked at you. Your brain was already starting to feel a little hazy but you tried your best to focus on Jeonghan’s face, on his eyes.

“You know this is your fault right?” He asked you softly. “You’re fault that your making a mess all over my room, your fault that I’m hard, your fault that I have to punish you for being such a slut and letting another man write on your arm.”

As he spoke he accentuated each word with a deep press of his fingers into you, curling them deep inside of you. You moaned loudly in surprise, your fingers clenching the sheets so tightly you felt like your fingers were gonna break.

“Jeonghan,” you murmured, your face burning. “I don’t want your fingers.”

Jeonghan’s expression darkened and he roughly thrust his fingers into you. You cried out.

“You think you get to decide what you get? Are you about to tell me you want my cock? Pathetic whore thinks she deserves to get off on my cock?”

Your toes curled as Jeonghan pushed his fingers impossibly deep inside you.

“I’m s-sorry,” you managed to get out. “But pl-please. I want to make you feel good so badly.”

You felt tears of frustration sprouting in your eyes again as you tried to fight your own hazy pleasure to focus on the overall goal you were trying to achieve.

“You think that a little cock sleeve like you is good enough for me?” Jeonghan asked. “I could fuck anyone at the party and come to the same outcome… What makes you think you’re special?”

“I don’t,” you responded instantly, your thighs shaking. “But please Jeonghan, I’m here. I’m the closest. I’m the easiest. I’m currently at your disposal, use me, please. I’m yours.”

Jeonghan’s fingers came to a still inside of you and your eyes widened, worried you had said something wrong. He leaned forward, dragging you into a hard kiss.

“I like hearing you say that… You’re mine…” He pulled back, slipping his fingers out of you and giving your pussy a smack.

“Fuck.”

“On all fours. Now. Before I find someone else to finish me off.”

You didn’t think you had ever turned around so quickly. You pressed your head down into the sheets, shifting your knees apart so that you were spread out for Jeonghan. He hummed, one of his hands rubbing over your ass.

“You’re so lucky that I’m wasting my time on you,” he mumbled. He slapped your ass, so hard your whole body jolted and then rubbed his hand back over the spot. Before you could think too much about his words he was sliding his cock into you: fast and hard. “Thank me for my cock.”

“Thank you,” you gasped out. “Thank you so much Jeonghan, I need this so badly.”

“It’s almost disgusting how desperate you are,” Jeonghan chided. He slowly pulled his cock out of you and then slammed it back in. Again your whole body jolted, and you struggled to keep yourself upright. “Are you finally happy? Finally sated with my cock in you?”

“Yes,” you admitted desperately. You could hear the smile in Jeonghan’s chuckle as his fingers dug into your hips.

“You’re such a good little slut.”

If you had thought Jeonghan had fucked you hard last time, he was a literal animal this time around. His thrusts were sloppy but they were so hard and deep that it was making tears roll down your cheeks with every thrust as your body buzzed with pleasure.

You couldn’t think about the party you had abandoned, or think about the pride that you had certsinly left at the door. No, all you could think about was Jeonghan’s grunts and moans and practical growls as they filled the otherwise quiet room.

Suddenly, Jeonghan grabbed something. He thrust his hands forward, holding out a phone.

“Call him.”

Your eyes widened.

“What?” You blurted.

“Call the guy who you let write on your arm,” Jeonghan hissed. You failed to take Jeonghan’s phone fast enough and his fingers buried in your hair, pulling you back by it. “Your orgasm depends on this phone call, so you better make your decision fast.”

If you were thinking clearly, you would have probably safe worded and gotten out of the phone call. You would be crazy, after all, to willingly call someone you had just met while getting railed by some frat boy.

But you weren’t think clearly. You were with Yoon Jeonghan.

You clumsily took the phone in your hands, heavy pants leaving your lips as Jeonghan relentlessly pounded into you. You looked down at your arm, the smeared numbers barely being intelligible. You typed in the numbers with shaking hands, putting the call on speaker phone.

The phone rang and you silently begged for him not to answer. Jeonghan was in no way easing his pace on you. His hand still fisted in your hair as he bounced you on his cock, driving so deep inside you that you were once again barely able to think, much less able to hold the phone to your face.

Unluckily for you, the phone rings stopped and a “hello?” Echoed out from the phone’s speakers.

“Tell him who it is,” Jeonghan instructed. You nodded the best you could.

“It’s uh, it’s y/n from the party,” you managed to get out trying to keep your voice steady. The effort was not lost on Jeonghan, his hand came down on your ass and you yelped.

“Tell him what you’re doing,” Jeonghan continued. Your eyes screwed shut as your face blazed with embarrassment.

“I’m getting f-fucked,” you stammered out.

“Uh…” Yeongtae was at a loss for words it seemed. But then again, that was fair. You had no clue how you would react if you were to get this phone call. You hoped that he would just hang up.

“Tell him why, tell him who.”

“It’s by Yoon Jeonghan. I’m getting fucked by Yoon Jeonghan and he made me call you because I was bad for letting you write your number on my arm.”

Tears sprouted at the corners of your eyes. Not because the call was too much but because you were so desperate to come. Desperate for Jeonghan’s approval in your actions.

“It’s my pussy I’m fucking, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” you cried out in agreement. “My pussy belongs to Yoon Jeonghan. I belong to Yoon Jeonghan.”

“What a little slut,” Jeonghan chided with a few clicks. “Tell him how much you enjoy this, hm? Tell him how you get off on me hitting you and telling you how pathetic you are why don’t you?”

“I-I-“ You tried to get the words out but you were so blissed out you could barely keep your head straight. “Jeonghan, Jeonghan, please.”

You were babbling nonsense at that point, and it earned you a slap across your face.

“Do what I tell you to,” Jeonghan reasserted.

“I’m sorry, I love this so much Yeongtae. I love it when Jeonghan humiliates me and hits me and treats like a whore,” you blurted out. “It’s all I could think about tonight. I need his cum so badly. I-“

Before you could finish Jeonghan hooked his fingers into your mouth.

“Shut up.”

His grip in your hair loosened and you fell forward on the bed, gagging around Jeonghan’s fingers. He sighed and with his now free hand took the phone from your hand.

“You can be friends with y/n all you want,” Jeonghan said suddenly, his voice gruff. “But she is mine to fuck. Only one person is good enough to make her like this and that’s me. So if you have any other intentions with her you can fucking forget about it.”

You heard Jeonghan toss the phone to the side and he grabbed you by your forearms.

“Aren’t you even the least embarrassed of what you just did?” Jeonghan taunted. “What do you think Yeongtae is going to think of you now? He isn’t going to think you’re some innocent little girl is he?”

You didn’t respond. You didn’t physically think you could anymore. You just let moan after moan leave your lips, your head hanging at the pure stimulation.

“But he will know that you are a very good little slut.”

He lowered one of his arms, his fingers pressing firmly down on your clit. You cried out at the contact.

“J-Jeonghan I need to come, please let me come today,” you begged lightly. “I haven’t come since the last time we fucked.”

Jeonghan leaned forward, pressing his chest to your back. He hummed against your cheek.

“Really?” He asked, a pleased tone leaving his lips. “Not even when you were alone? Touching yourself?”

Your face blazed hot.

“I didn’t...” You trailed off. “I didn’t touch myself all week.”

Jeonghan’s hips stuttered against you, his breath hitching.

“You’re lying,” he whispered.

“I’m not!” You cried out. “I needed you to tell me I could. I need you to let me or else I c-can't.”

Jeonghan scoffed.

“Stupid whore,” he mumbled but even as he said it. You felt his cock pulsing inside of you. “Can’t do anything unless I tell you to. Can’t do anything without me to help you do it. Go on then, come you stupid whore. I guess you deserve it.”

You felt yourself go limp against Jeonghan as pleasure washed over your body. For a few seconds you felt like you had stopped breathing, only able to blabber Jeonghan’s name on repeat as you quite literally milked Jeonghan’s cock. Only a few seconds after you had regained sensation, you felt Jeonghan’s cum begin to squirt deep into you. You arched your back in pleasure at the feeling, expecting Jeonghan to ease up on you, but instead he just pushed your face down in the sheets, his palm on your cheek.

You whined, your body shaking at the over stimulation but instead of safe wording, your fingers tightened in the sheets. You began to mumble thank you’s, defaulting into the mode of making Jeonghan cum.

Jeonghan’s grunts filled the air as he pummeled your pussy, only lasting a minute before he spilled his cum in you all over again. Jeonghan’s thrust started to slow down, but the feeling of being so full of his cum was absolutely intoxicating. Jeonghan slid out of you, sitting back on the bed, his hands holding him up but before he could completely relax you straddled him, lowering yourself down on his cock.

“I know, I know,” you babbled as you sunk down on his cock. Your breath hitched as his cum got push deeper into you again. You pressed your hands on his shoulders and began to shakily raise yourself up before dropping yourself back down on his cock. “I just n-need more cum. I need you to feel really, really good. I need to be better than every other person you’ve ever slept with I-”

Before you could finish Jeonghan’s fingers gripped on your hips and he stilled your motions. For a second you thought you were going to really get it. You tentatively raised your eyes to Jeonghan’s, only to find that they were glossed over, and a small smile was on his lips.

“No one I’ve ever fucked has taken three loads from me before,” he said.

He began to raise you up and down on his cock, his fingers digging bruises back into your hips. His movements were hard and rushed and a little clumsy but your moans and incoherent begging dragged a third orgasm out of him anyways.

“I know you want to,” Jeonghan mumbled in your ear as he fucked you. “Go on- Come again. You deserve it.”

You obliged instantly, unable to believe that you were given a whole third orgasm. Your arms wrapped around Jeonghan’s chest as you came again, pure bliss warming your body.

You and Jeonghan were silent for a while, your chests rising and falling against one another. After a few minutes Jeonghan lowered the two of you down in his bed, his limp cock still keeping his cum from seeping out of you.

You weren’t really sure what you were allowed to do. With former boyfriends, there was no question that you would cuddle into them. Maybe even fall asleep. But this was Yoon Jeonghan and you had managed to even exhaust him. What was the protocol?

You unsurely tilted your head up, intending on glancing at Jeonghan. Maybe you needed to suck it up and get out of his bed? But you were startled to find that he was looking down at you with a surprised expression on his face.

You blinked.

“What?” You asked him, suddenly acutely aware of everything that you had let Jeonghan do.

“Just wondering what to do with you,” Jeonghan replied, his voice soft. One of his hands lowered to your face and he closed his thumb and index finger on your jaw. He moved your face from one side to the other.

You didn’t do anything to stop him- Honestly feeling the pit of your stomach coil at being so casually toyed with.

“You’ll just let me do anything to you, won’t you?” He asked.

“I have limits,” you insisted with a roll of your eyes. “You’ll just haven’t pushed me there yet.”

Jeonghan loosened his grip on you his thumb brushing your bottom lip. He pulled your lip down.

“Can I hit you?” He asked.

“We’re alone,” you replied. “You don’t have to ask.”

Jeonghan’s hand came across your cheek, but it wasn’t as much of a slap as it was a sharp pat. He squeezed your chin again between his fingers.

“Good girl,” he mumbled. “You’d do anything for me wouldn’t you?”

You wished you could look away from Jeonghan but even if you wanted to, his grip was tight.

“Jeonghan, you’re embarrassing me,” you murmured, your voice quiet. Jeonghan laughed and his grip loosened on your chin so that you could look away.

“Sorry, sorry. I’m just genuinely surprised. I’ve never slept with someone who let me do so much to them and liked it so much. I’m starting to think you don’t remember our safe word.”

You repeated the safe word under your breath, just to prove that you still knew it.

“Where does the control stop?” Jeonghan asked. “How often can I do this sort of thing to you?”

That earned Jeonghan your gaze back.

“How often...” You trailed off. “Like, we’re going to do this again?”

You couldn’t keep yourself from being surprised.

“But you never sleep with anyone twice?”

“We’re not going to be dating really,” Jeonghan said. “If you agree with it, I mean, but I want to see you at parties. I want you to be my eye candy. I don’t want you fucking other people.”

You nodded.

“Done, done, and done,” you agreed. “You can be controlling in public. I don’t mind the way that you physically move me around, and I like it when your grip is tight on me because you don’t like the attention I’m getting...”

You trailed off.

“But you can’t hit me in public. You have to let me talk to who I want to. The reaction with Yeongtae was...” You cleared your throat. “Hot... As long as you don’t actually mind me talking to him.”

“You’re going to talk to Yeongtae after that phone call?” Jeonghan asked, his voice high.

“Absolutely not, I’d rather die,” you laughed. “But you know what I mean.”

You glanced away from him.

“I... You...” You sighed. “I don’t think any man has ever made me come before,” you admitted. “I’d do anything to still be your fuck buddy.”

Jeonghan stared at you for a little bit.

“Give me a phrase for if I’m doing too much in public.” Jeonghan stated. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable in a way that you don’t like.”

“I think Jennie texted me,” you replied instantly. Jeonghan nodded, his eyes drifting to the side for a moment in thought.

“Done.”

Jeonghan’s hand slid down to your neck, his thumb pushing up your chin. His nose brushed against yours and he pressed his lips to yours. It wasn’t chaste like you were used to after sex. It was heavy, controlling, almost as if Jeonghan wanted to turn you back on all over again.

But before he could do much his lips pulled away from yours and his thumb rubbed your neck.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been so drained by a partner,” Jeonghan said with a laugh. He shifted, slipping his cock out of you. You whined in protest, but Jeonghan completely ignored you. He pulled away from you, stretching once he was standing upright.

“Don’t fall asleep,” he said. “You have to take a shower.”

You groaned in protest.

“I don’t need it. I’m fine.”

Jeonghan rolled his eyes and without warning dipped two of his fingers into your pussy, pushing his cum deeper inside of you. You mewled at the feeling.

“So you just want to keep this inside you, huh?”

He withdrew his fingers, shaking his head.

“I’ll come back for you, so you can get in the shower,” he said. “What do you want to eat?”

“I’m not really that hungry,” you stated, but that wasn’t really true. You were starving.

“Don’t care. What do you want?”

You sighed.

“Mac and cheese?”

“Done,” Jeonghan said. He smiled at you. “Now be a good girl and put on one of my shirts.”

Waking up before Jeonghan, you decided to just let yourself out. Jeonghan hadn’t really told you when he wanted to see you next but regardless, you didn’t want to find yourself in an awkward post one night stand situation. You weren’t really sure how to act around Jeonghan if you weren’t being railed by him after all.

You didn’t quite escape without being sighted. You sent an awkward smile to a tall boy sitting at the kitchen table, shooting you a scrunched nose look.

“You can walk after that night?”

Your face blazed, and all you could manage to murmur was an apology and a good bye.

After a second shower and a breakfast with Jeongyeon recounting your night in as little details as possible you went to work at your job on campus. By the time your shift was over, your memories of the night before were hazy at best.

“...Y/n?” Confusion riddled across your face and you turned around, taking one of your airpods out of your ear. You searched for the source of the voice and when you found it, your face paled.

“Oh my god-”

And yet, those memories weren’t nearly hazy enough.

Yeongtae smiled at you, raising a hand to rub the back of his neck.

“It’s good to see you,” he greeted. His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes ran over the part of your body that he can see. “I’m surprised he doesn’t leave bruises on you that people can see. He sounded possessive on the phone.”

“I-” You weren’t entirely sure what to say. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what comes over me when he’s in control but I just can’t help but do whatever he wants me to and-”

Yeongtae raised his hand in the air.

“It’s fine. People have their own things they’re into,” Yeongtae said. “Some of the things... Weird and disturbing, but their own things nonetheless.”

“Have you had lunch yet?” He continued. “Would your boyfriend care if we got something to eat?”

“Jeonghan and I are not dating,” you denied with a roll of your eyes.

“You know that makes the phone call I received worse right?”

“Why were you on the line for so long?!” You snapped back. Yeongtae laughed at your quick clap-back, and the smile on his face actually made a smile appear on yours. “You’re fucking weird Yeongtae.”

“Weird, and hungry. You down for a lunch date or what?”

You thought over the invitation, but the decision ended up being easy when your stomach grumbled in protest at the lack of food.

“Yeah, okay but cool it on the weird shit.”

“Says the one who got off to telling me they were a slut over-”

“Okay, what did you want to eat?”

Part Three: Not a Friend

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slugtranslation-hypmic · 6 days

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I Think Hypmic's Portrayal of Gender Roles is Kinda Refreshing: An Essay A.K.A. I'm Procrastinating on a Weekend Deadline :)

Hypmic's talking points on gender are hamfisted, corny, and melodramatic. "Maybe...we shouldn't have a wage gap," is not the hottest of takes. However, like most things in Hypmic, the writers have a lot more to say about gender and gender roles in the framing of the story itself that's much more nuanced. And honestly? It's kinda refreshing.

It's also something that went way over my head when I first became a Hypmic fan. Sure, I read manga and played Japanese video games--usually translated into English first--but I didn't have enough exposure to hundreds or thousands of pieces of untranslated Japanese media. I'm going to guess that most Hypmic fans don't either, which is totally fine and normal. We all exist within our respective cultural communities wherein we're bombarded with messages constantly telling us how to act, think, and speak. We tend to absorb these messages on subconscious levels and reflect them in the art we create and stories we tell, either by reinforcing them or challenging them. Thus, our stories don't exist in a vacuum, and divorcing stories from their cultural backgrounds can suggest the artist is the original thinker of a larger concept or hide their specific point of criticism. That is, if I wrote a story about a man who chooses to not catch fish, drink beer, and drive a Dodge Ram pick-up truck, we should be aware that I'm not the person who conceptualized the stereotype of dudes who catch fish, drink beer, and drive pick-ups. I wouldn't deserve the credit for dreaming up that exact image, and at the same time, it would be incorrect to read that as me targeting those three things randomly. The choice to not drive a Dodge Ram pick-up is not a commentary on Fiat Chrysler Automobiles. It's a stand-in for the notion of masculinity.

Thing is, we're hit with messages about masculinity, femininity, and other gender-related concepts on a daily basis. No matter where you live or what language you speak, every person on Earth is inundated with messages saying, "This is what you are, and consequently, this is how you should act." Our relation to these messages is complicated, and this complexity is compounded by different cultural communities preaching different messages in their stories, marketing, and human interactions. For instance, the US's massive global cultural influence means that those outside the US can still easily recognize what I mean by catching fish, drinking beer, and driving enormous American pick-up trucks. But the location and cultural differences may add or subtract nuances. A person living in, say, Munich is unlikely to have Dodge pick-ups advertised to them the way a person in rural Texas would. Our fictional Munich person does not feel the same social pressures to buy a Dodge and represent their masculinity with a Dodge the way our imaginary Texan would. In turn, the Munich person likely sees a Dodge with an element of absurdity--who the hell needs such a big truck in a European city?--and foreign Americanness. The Texan wouldn't have that concern--why worry about navigating your enormous truck down narrow streets when you live in the countryside?--and sees Americanness as their local default, thus removing any element of foreignness.

That is to say, gendered messages aimed at people (especially women) who live in Japan don't affect me the same way as they impact those who do live in Japan. Like, it's not my dog in the fight, and there are plenty of people who are directly affected who write their own stories and commentaries on gender roles in Japan. Japanese women don't need a random guy in the US to stand up and say, "Damn, your gender roles are fucked!" 1) They already know. 2) They're already saying it. So I come at this from an angle of someone who already has deep, primary frustration with the gendered messaging in my culture and secondary frustrations when similar messages appear in other cultures. I don't have a bone to pick with Japanese media in particular. Plain and simple, reading and working on hundreds of pieces of Japanese media is what I do for a living. It's in my face constantly, and as a result, I am also perpetually bombarded by messages about gender roles in Japanese media.

It's not a hot take to say that Japanese media, like the media of every single other culture around the globe, has a lot to say about gender. There's a lot of slotting people into boxes and telling people what to do. It's chafing, as we see all across history in art produced in reaction to gender roles. In the past couple of decades, global shifts in gender roles have caused media to shift the messages they're pushing, but it's not controversial to say that Japan has lagged behind other countries like the US.

Many, many stories push arbitrary notions of how to be a girl or how to be a boy that don't necessarily come from the author themselves. The authors probably aren't even fully conscious that they're making these choices. If an author writes a story about a library and makes every female character a romance fan and every male character an action fan, it's likely a reflection of endless messaging that says action is for boys, romance is for girls. In turn, this story becomes yet another reinforcing message. If no fictional girls like action, and no fictional boys like romance, it becomes alienating for real girls and boys who don't follow these same rules. These rules are everywhere and have so much to say about gender that it's hard to know where to begin. Girls must like cute things. Boys can't like sweet food. Women must not express sexual desire. Men can't be shy. On and on and on.

Which is why, when there's a relative lack of this in Hypmic, it's kind of a breath of fresh air.

Wrong Ways to Be a Man

Actually, Hypmic does have a few moments where characters claim there are certain things men or women should do, but the writing always frames these messages as incorrect.

Take Samatoki, for instance. After Kuukou and Sasara leave MCD, Samatoki tells Ichirou, "Men shouldn't cry when they lose their friends. Men should only cry when they lose a family member."

(TDD chapter 10)

This line usually appears via Ichirou's perspective. In the stage play, it's told during a song Ichirou narrates, and as shown above in panel 3, the manga frames the line from the angle at which Ichirou sees it. In such moments, the audience is meant to read this as a cool line from a strong mentor figure to Ichirou. That's how Ichirou sees it, and he's a seventeen-year-old with too much on his shoulders who idolizes Samatoki. He is incapable of seeing how much pain Samatoki struggles with.

However, when the manga focuses on more intimate moments of Samatoki's life, we see that Samatoki does struggle quite a lot.

(BB/MTC+ chapter 6)

This isn't a cool, attractive figure meant to be idolized. While Samatoki's cigarette usage and aggressiveness are often framed as sexy or enticing, the juxtaposition with dirty laundry, overflowing ashtrays, and empty bottles make him a sympathetic and struggling figure. Therefore, we should understand that his notion that men don't cry is flawed. It's a means to distract himself from emotions he doesn't want to feel.

Later, as Samatoki begins to process his emotions and open up to his teammates, the unhealthy coping mechanisms recede. Samatoki is more confident, mature, and happier as a result of being more emotionally vulnerable.

We see a similar transformation with Kuukou. As a teen, Kuukou is reluctant to accept help or truly let anyone in. In a conversation with Hitoya, he says (and I am still completely unable to take this seriously), "A man's got to wipe his own ass."

(DH/BAT chapter 4)

However, over the course of his character arc, Kuukou learns that he cannot exist as a good leader or individual without the teamwork of his newfound "family." Only rejecting this classical and toxic notion of masculinity brings Kuukou joy.

In fact, most of the first-line characters have very similar arcs. At the start of the story, Ichirou is insistent on doing everything himself. He has to learn to be able to rely on other people (Kuukou, Samatoki, Ichirou and Jirou) to be happier and unlock his true strength. See below, his final attack and Ability use in the 2nd DRB, which is only possible when his brothers figuratively and literally support him through it.

(BB/MTC+ chapter 25)

Sasara struggles with emotional honesty and trust in favor of using humor to gloss over discomfort. It takes multiple heart-to-hearts with Roshou before he can let humor take a backseat and say how he really feels. Ramuda has difficulty trusting other people and being honest with his emotions when faced with stressful scenarios. Only through Fling Posse is he able to open up and ask for help instead of driving people away when the problems are too big for him to face alone. Jakurai struggles to connect with other people, work through and acknowledge his complicated feelings, and not place himself on a pedestal. Through Matenrou, Jakurai is able to ask for help, be more open, and ultimately be less hard on himself.

The second- and third-line characters follow similar arcs, and this repetition creates a core message for Hypmic: Trust and rely other people. Be open with your feelings. There's a wrong way to be a man, and that's to hurt yourself and other people.

Right Ways to Be a Man...Are Infinite!

But with that being said, there is a surprising lack of commentary on how else to be a man. Hypmic as a whole doesn't do much to constrain the male characters in terms of gender roles.

Sure, some characters do fit into more traditionally masculine roles--Ichirou, Samatoki, Riou, etc. The messaging makes it clear that it isn't wrong to play into masculinity provided it doesn't become toxic. (See above.)

Even then, however, these especially masculine characters are associated with less masculine traits that are either portrayed positively or not portrayed as a joke. Riou is an avid cook, but the joke is never that he wears an apron and knows his way around an outdoor kitchen (tee-hee, men don't cook!). It's that he cooks with horrifying ingredients. Samatoki is a fashionista, but the joke is framed as a counterpart to Ichirou's nerdiness.

(DoD chapter 1)

Here, it's funny that neither of them can shut up (the ペラペラ/blah blah SFX, the long bubbles filled with lots of text that's cut to indicate they kept going for longer), but the object of their attention--a model toy and a pair of jeans--are treated in the same neutral light. It's very common for stories to touch on, even defensively, the social taboo of men being into clothes. Hypmic doesn't even acknowledge that such a taboo could exist.

This is subtle but extraordinarily effective in giving characters the same consideration and weight. The more feminine characters are always treated just as sincerely (or, if there's a joke to be made, irreverently) as the more masculine characters. Take Ramuda, for instance. In Japanese media, a love of sweets is often characterized as feminine and will often be remarked upon, even in LGBT+ media, as atypical for men. Again, there's zero acknowledgement of such a thing in Hypmic. Whenever other characters talk about Ramuda's food intake, it's always framed as a concern about the lack of nutrition.

(FP/M chapter 11... I don't have the source lying around on my computer, so here's the old-ass scanlation lol)

It's also given the exact same weight as anyone else's junk food habits. Here, MCD goes out for burgers (a neutral to masculine-coded food due to the meat and high calorie count) while Ramuda opts to try a sugary Starbucks-esque drink. The parallelism in the comic's framing suggests that the two objects are functionally the same, and there is no comment that a sugary drink is feminine and therefore "inappropriate" for Ramuda. There's also no indication that MCD's preferences are in any way better. They simply happen to be the characters' personal preferences. The punchline is two groups splitting up, only to awkwardly run into each other again moments later.

(DoD volume 4 bonus comic)

Similarly, Ramuda's interest in clothes or fashion is never treated negatively--in fact, the discussions of clothes as a means to find identity and happiness make it a positive!

In ARB cards and promotional materials, Ramuda sometimes wears dresses. It's, again, portrayed in parallel to other characters wearing more masculine clothes and is never commented on as something "unusual." It's just who Ramuda is.

Hifumi is another interesting case. Like Ramuda, his playful personality often doesn't as stereotypically masculine. (To be clear, I read much of this as "gender neutral with a strong emphasis on youth" versus "feminine" in a way that I'm not sure has a good US equivalent...metrosexual/yuppie men's fashion, maybe? In the sense that it's a youth subculture that defies some masculine gender roles but is still focused mainly on men. I wish I was more well-versed in Japanese men's fashion and could give an exact term, but I'm what I'm thinking of is definitely an established thing--young, trendy dudes whose styles focus on poppiness vs. the rugged manly man or "idk, I'm just some guy" subcultures. It's a thing that pisses off old Japanese conservative men in the same fashion as people getting up in arms about "the gayz!!!1!" and their androgynous clothing lol.) Their personalities are often the butt of jokes, but only in the same way that Dice or Doppo are--that is, that they're exaggerated and over the top. There's no commentary on masculinity or lack thereof.

There are also moments when Hifumi, Gentarou, or other characters play feminine characters in roleplay moments, which is usually (but not always) not the sole joke. The audience is supposed to find it funny, but the humor is almost always centered on the absurdity of the scene as a whole. For instance, in a moment where Hifumi and Doppo are pretending to be two drunk karaoke-goers, the humor comes from the composite set-up of Hifumi's hair twirl, Doppo's untucked shirt and tie, Doppo and Hifumi's exaggeratedly flirtatious poses, the spotlights and sparkles, and the same font as used on classic karaoke machines.

(FP/M+ September 2022 oneshot)

Hifumi and Doppo do not perform traditional gender roles in their homelife, and while it's easy to see and often commented on in the English-speaking fanbase when it comes to Hifumi, I find it just as prevalent on Doppo. It's true that Hifumi is taking a feminine role by doing the majority of the household's cooking and cleaning, but if we were to assume Doppo has the masculine role in the household, he would have the breadwinner duty. However, he isn't the main source of income for their household, and he's just as unassertive in finding a (female) romantic partner as Hifumi is. Japanese men are bombarded with media messages stressing the importance of taking an active role in career and romance. That Doppo does not would, in many stories, make him the butt of a joke for not living up to masculine gender roles. But he isn't; instead, Hypmic portrays him as a sympathetic character. It's tough, Hypmic says, for people to get good jobs and maintain friendships/relationships as an adult.

Similarly, it's noteworthy that Hifumi's self-appointed term "Gigolo" is consistently portrayed as a good thing in Hypmic. The meaning of the English term aside, the Japanese word ジゴロ (jigoro) is almost always used as an insult for a man who is financially dependent on one or multiple women. In the strictest sense of the term, Hifumi is a jigoro in that his income derives from his female clients. However, there is never any shame associated with that, and as a whole, Hifumi's career as a host is shown to be a positive thing. I can't express enough how rare that is in any sort of semi-serious media. Certainly, Hypmic acknowledges that his job requires too much drinking (Doppo's verse in Hoodstar), but the overall portrayal is overwhelmingly positive. Hifumi and his coworkers are never treated as uneducated, boorish, or pathetic for "failing" to find other work that does not require flirting with and entertaining women. (This is partially due to the overlapping judgment with sex work.)

All the various harmless preferences and personality traits of the male characters are treated equally with no judgement over what's masculine or non-masculine. Within the broader context of Japanese media, this absence of judgment stands out and reinforces one of Hypmic's core themes: Differences make us better, not worse. In the end, Hypmic suggests, there's no one right way to be a man.

Right Ways to Be a Woman...Are Just as Infinite!

But what about women? This series is, after all, marketed mainly towards women, and while female audience members can no doubt extrapolate the lessons learned from the male characters, it's worth taking a look at the female characters too.

The female characters do receive much less screen time than the men and are not the focus in the series; I'd argue that's less an issue of overt sexism and more that they fall out of focus in the story the writers want to tell. (There's a broader discussion to be had about inherent sexism in the writers' focus which goes hand-in-hand with rap industries across the globe favoring men and rap being an example of exaggerated masculinity, but that's a topic for another day.)

Even so, the framing of the female characters is interesting in a couple key respects. The individual character arcs and motivations of the main female characters are, in my opinion, some of the weakest parts of Hypmic--many times, Otome and Ichijiku do things because the plot demands them to, making them look incompetent or needlessly cruel for characters we're supposed to sympathize with. Nemu's story seems to be handled with more care and takes an interesting twist, wherein she openly acknowledges that she's disenfranchised as a woman in modern Japan but rejects the notion that she needs to find strength on either Ichirou or Samatoki's (male) terms. By choosing to be strong in "her own way" (whatever that means...it's not well-defined), the authors are using Nemu to reject the notion that strength and power are inherently masculine.

What I find to be far more interesting is the character design for the Chuuouku women, both in what is said and what is not said.

To begin with, the characters and their portrayals run the gambit from highly sexualized to completely non-sexual. Some characters (especially Ichijku and Honobono) have conventionally attractive, curvy body types and are often drawn in ways that highlight their bodies.

(FP/M+ chapter 4)

(FP/M+ chapter 14)

In some cases, especially Honobono's, the enticing nature of the illustrations is framed as the character's choice; in the above, her words indicate that she wants to seduce the off-screen listeners. The images included above are largely representative of these characters' raps, regardless of illustrator.

But on the flip side, other characters with large breasts or hips are never drawn in a sexual fashion. By way of comparison, here are two shots of Nemu rapping.

(BB/MTC+ chapter 12)

Even in shots with dynamic poses, no attention is drawn to Nemu's figure in any sort of provocative sense. Nemu touches her chest, drawing the reader's eye there, but the artist does not emphasize the size of her chest--they're allowing a chest touch to be no more than an emphasis of the self. At the same time, Nemu's body isn't downplayed. We can see in panel 2 on page 2 that Nemu has a small waist and wider hips, but once again, she isn't being sexualized. The action lines draw the reader's eye to Samatoki and thus put the action first and foremost. This creates the idea that not only can characters portray themselves sexually, but they can just as easily choose not to.

We see similar with Otome, who does not wear any sort of revealing clothing and is never shown in a sexual fashion. However, Hypmic doesn't equate revealing clothing to sexual portrayals either! While I wouldn't call Tsumabira's outfit revealing, she does have more visible cleavage than most Chuuouku figures. However, her bare chest is never sexualized like Ichijiku's.

(BB/MTC+ chapter 4)

Compare the non-emphasis on the chest and the power stance to any of the many shots of Ichijuku where her breasts are front and center in the camera. Speaking of power stance, Tsumabira remains confident in her power stance without being sexy--that is, no stepping on the camera and showing her whole leg.

Which isn't to say that Tsumabira is a sexless character. She's drawn visibly turned on by the male characters in such a way that is cartoonish but not, in turn, overly sexual. Were this supposed to be titillating to the reader, I would have expected to see a larger close-up on her face and tongue. However, the artist (who is no stranger to focusing on tongues!) devotes the majority of the panel to Tsumabira's body language (which, again, doesn't absurdly exaggerate any of her proportions or focus on her chest) and covers part of the mouth with text bubbles. Tsumabira is drawn as engaging in sexual behavior without being sexualized for reader entertainment.

(FP/M+ chapter 4)

The juxtaposition of such different views with little to no judgement attached to any of them suggests that it's perfectly okay to want to be sexy or not, to wear revealing clothing or not, to be involved in sexual situations without being the object of sexual interest, or to simply exist with an attractive body type without sex ever coming into the equation. Just as some characters choose to tie bodies to sexiness, some don't whatsoever--and either is perfectly fine!

The former idea ("I can choose to be sexy") may not sound especially revolutionary to US audiences, where sexuality is thrust upon women willingly or otherwise, but I find it fascinating because it lets the main characters embrace this idea without associated slut shaming. So much of Japanese media insists that women should be sexy but are also wrong for wanting to indulge in their own sexuality. Therefore, having characters who run virtually every iteration of take on the topic (I want to engage in sexuality and be sexualized, I want to engage in sexuality without being sexualized, I don't want to engage in either) with multiple body types (ie, Tsumabira isn't automatically not sexualized because she has a smaller chest; Nemu isn't automatically sexualized because she has a bigger chest) and no judgement involved feels like another breath of fresh air to me.

As a whole, I find the diversity of the Chuuouku uniforms and character appearances quite interesting. They're undeniably all feminine and relatively militaristic, but different characters wear entirely different wardrobes. Skirts vs pants, blouses vs dresses, high heels vs boots... Since every character has her own take on the common theme, it once again feeds into the idea that each character is her own individual and perfectly valid for defining femininity in her own way.

Haircuts, too, range from longer and more feminine hairstyles to pixie cut-esque looks.

(BB/MTC+ chapter 16)

Again, nothing of the framing suggests this short-haired woman is in any way different from her longer-haired counterparts on the edges of this screenshot.

Finally, while most Chuuouku women are conventionally attractive, I find it extremely compelling that Haebaru is a stereotype of an unattractive Japanese woman. To be extremely clear, I do not think these stereotypes should have weight, but the combination of chubby and/or muscular build, freckles, rounded nose, and non-glossy hair is often used as a visual shorthand for unattractive or otherwise undesirable women.

Sure, it's not fantastic that Haebaru is a scheming, two-bit villain. However, so is virtually every other female character in the series, and in particular, Haebaru is (the conventionally attractive) Tsumabira's counterpart. Both are treated with the same respect or lack thereof, suggesting that one's appearance has nothing to do with your ability to be a no-good baddie. Ha ha ha.

It would be lovely if the female characters were fleshed out further and given intelligent choices and diversity outside of the realms of physical appearance. However, I do think the writers' choices are limited by virtue of all women automatically being antagonistic side characters (which, again, is another discussion altogether). What the writers can and have accomplished is further reinforcing a celebration of differences. Just as there's no one right way to be a man, there's an infinite number of ways to be a scheming snake of a woman HAHA.

Intersection with LGBT+ Topics

Unfortunately, this is a very binary look at gender and gender roles, which, while largely representative of the current state of Japanese media, can be disappointing.

Hypmic appears to want to steer shy of LGBT+ topics as a whole, which is a bit of a shame. In a story so focused on gender and acceptance of diversity, it seems the natural next step to explore the notion of those who experiences don't align with a strict gender binary. Such stories are growing in popularity in Japanese media but have yet to be anywhere near the mainstream acceptance in US media (which is still in a fledgling stage at best). I would imagine Hypmic's writers are unable or unwilling to take a definite stance on these topics in the work due to fears of financial or career backlash. If nothing else, the sexuality of the main characters needs to remain in a limbo in order to have plausible deniability for both self-shipping and shipping with other characters. (Some deniability may be more plausible than others.)

The few instances in which Hypmic does wander into this territory are usually clumsy. I am no fan of the handful of scenes where male/male attraction is supposed to be funny purely by virtue of being male/male.

The inclusion of Urumi, the one minor character explicitly LGBT+, is not stellar either. I am hesitant to apply any definite label to her, as the real-life people her stereotype portrays self-identify as everything from trans women to cis men--or refuse to use these English labels at all! Still, we know from her profession (proprietor of a bar heavily implied to be a gay bar by the neighborhood it's in), appearance (poofy permed hair, exaggerated make-up), and demeanor (feminine speech style, a bit flirtatious) that she's AMAB and choosing to present herself in a feminine fashion. By writing Jirou to ask, "Aren't you a man?" in an exasperated fashion, the writers have put her gender presentation in a boke role--suggesting she's over-the-top, exaggerated, comedic. It's not great. I completely understand why readers find it offensive (and it is) even while I don't think the writers intended it that way. Ultimately, it would have been great to see other explicitly LGBT+ characters portrayed without the joking angle.

With that said, I'm not entirely unhappy with her character. She is a stereotype, but the authors have chosen to take only the visual elements of the stereotype and leave the rest on the cutting room floor. In other works of fiction, characters like Urumi are often hypersexual to the point of being in-universe creepy, especially towards underage boys. Other times, characters like her may be eccentric or off-putting in other ways. However, that's not at all the case here. Urumi seems to play a helpful big sister/aunt role in Jirou's life, and he's clearly comfortable enough with her to spend the night at her bar.

(BB/MTC+ chapter 17. "Sorry, but can I shack up here again tonight?" "Of course you can.")

While she seems to engage in some sort of a bohemian lifestyle, as evidenced by the alcohol and smoking, it isn't anything outside of what many of the other characters do. Additionally, while she isn't drawn in a flattering fashion in scenes where she's playing up her persona (which is par for the course with any character in this series, regardless of gender), there are plenty of neutral shots of her being serious. Finally, the art is never outright rude--that is, she isn't drawn exaggeratedly masculine or flamboyantly...snakey? I don't know how to describe this to anyone who's lucky enough to have never seen this--clearly LGBT+ AMAB characters drawn with noodly limbs and huge, overblown lips winding around male characters.

Maybe because I see so much worse continuing to be produced in this day and age, I feel like Hypmic could have done a much, much worse job with this character. She overall plays a positive role and is treated with much the same care as other side characters. It's unfortunate, then, that the writers have chosen to make her gender presentation the subject of a joke.

In other frustrations, I heavily dislike the unnecessary gender divide in background characters. All punks and other background baddies are male, whereas all adoring fans are female. (But Rhyme Anima has done an interesting job of subverting this!) The vast majority of other background figures fall into strict gender roles, which is likewise disappointing. It appears that diversity may be an accepted trait for none but a lucky few that form the main Hypmic cast.

All in all, I don't think Hypmic's portrayal of gender roles is groundbreaking, nor do I think it's fair to suggest that all Japanese pop culture plays into strict gender roles. There are certainly many Japanese works, popular or otherwise, with much more interesting things to say about gender. However, when compared to the vast majority of the titles that cross my desk on a regular basis, I notice and appreciate the level of care put in to Hypmic's commentary on gender roles. The work consistently reinforces the notion that it's okay to be your own individual, no matter how that plays into your gender, and I find that freeing. That's a message we could all do to hear more often, regardless of culture and language.

TL;DR: Oh no, my rapidly approaching deadline. :)

#not a translation #analysis asks

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porflenet · 7 months

Text

NSFW HC's | König

tags: nsfw MDNI, mean!König, dom!König, degradation+praise, hunter/prey (just mention), little bunny/slut/whore/bitch used as a gn!term, gn!reader, rough sex, jealous/obsessive!König, master used for König, edging to König, overstimulation to reader.

word count: 1993

commentary: This man awakes things in me, this gif of him awakes things in me. Just take this König brainrot, tried my best to make it completly gn, if you see something that was gendered please do tell me so. English is not my first language, enjoy!

König takes a long time to cum, when he was younger he got pretty frustrated while trying to pleasure himself, always edging himself without wanting it, not being able to finish because he was taking way longer than he wanted to.

Getting older he learned how to pleasure himself, but unconsciously developed a liking for edging, which makes him get pretty rough when he is about to finally have an orgasm.

He has anxiety and it shows in how he loves control. Everything needs to be the way he wants to, or he will be mad. Of course he doesn’t have the harshness of a Colonel in bed, but definitely the authority.

He is mean, but normally he is a good mix of degradation and praise. Even more when he is back from a mission that went south, or he had a stressful day in base, degrading you until you’re crying and cumming all over his cock, making sure you’re overstimulated until the words coming out of you sound more like a false language, tears falling from your eyes while you desperately tries to get away from his hold, his cock deep inside you while his hold in your hips start to mark your skin with a mix of red and purple.

He subconsciously lets everything go when he is with you, hand on your neck while the other holds you in place against him, forcing you to hump over his clothed bulge. The way you whine quietly and hold on to him with all your strength while you make a mess on his cargo pants. He loves watching you lose yourself while trying so hard to not make a sound.

That’s why he is addicted to fucking you where there is a high chance of you two getting caught. At first his anxiety would win over his wants, even if you looked so tempting getting down on the ground of the armory to take some bullets that fell down, or how your ass was in the perfect position to just take you right there while you were leaving your report on his office.

But once he gets over his initial paranoia, you better run if you’re not that comfortable with quickies all over the base. He is a Colonel after all, and what if he abuses his power to have his way with you whenever he wants?

He adores to see you fighting for your life to not make a sound or to stay as still you can when someone enter the room you two are fucking behind some boxes, while he keep thrusting into you making your legs lose it’s strength, forcing him to hold you up and go deeper into you. The way you let go a shake breath, almost groaning, when whoever that was around finally leaves the place, only for him to go harder, his cum shooting inside you while he covers your mouth to muffle the moan you make while milking his cock with your orgasm.

You’re his nasty little bunny (he will call you his little bunny independent of gender/stature), his favorite pet name for you since I think he is a big fan of hunter/prey, and he would make sure to treat you as such, even more when it’s punishment time.

Like I said before, he is mean on default, but if he is angry at you, this man shows you his colors. Maybe you smiled too much at a rookie, or you laughed too loud to a joke that he didn’t tell, hell, when he is in one of his moods, just not looking at him enough is a reason for you to be bent over, ass up and taking everything he does because you’re just a whore who doesn’t know your place.

He is pretty possessive and jealous, he doesn’t share what is his, and he will protect you no matter what he needs to do, and when I say that I mean it for real. What are some more war crimes if it means you’re safe and in his arms?

He doesn’t really like to use his mask while with you, not because he associates it with his job or anything, mostly because it’s quite annoying needing to move it out of his mouth when he wants to kiss or eat you out. But when he wants to punish you he puts it on, because he knows how you get when he is in his full gear, and he wants to make sure you completely lose it for him only.

Little to no prep in moments like this, he knows you can take it, maybe it will hurt but you had worse don’t you? After all you’re just a slut pet who forgot who your owner is, he needed to make you remember, right? You may complain from the pain at the beginning, but you will be moaning his name in no time.

Bites you all over, making sure the mark of his teeth is well seen all over your neck and shoulders. Bites the inside of your things while shoving three finger inside you in one go, you groan in pain but fuck, you loved when he is like this.

He almost cum in his underwear hearing you beg for him to use his mouth, cock, anything that is better than his fingers, not like it wasn’t amazing to have them inside of you like this, but you needed more.

He makes you beg and apologize multiple times, it’s your fault that he needs to do this, or else you will lose your focus on him, how could you smile like that at that weak rookie? You know that you’re only allowed to be this tempting only for him, don’t you know how many of the others in the base wished they were the one to fuck your brain numb like this? You better be sorry for being such a whore with everybody.

Tears fall from your eyes out of frustration and overstimulation, desperate for him to just forgive you, you’re such a good toy for him, you just want to be used by him, only him, you’re his good little bitch.

“Please, Kö! Fuck me already! I need you inside me so much, I need to feel your big cock in me, please!” You say weakly while you grab the arm he is using to fuck you numb, looking pitifully at him while you feel another orgasm approaching.

“Kö?” His voice was deep and husky with need, pushing his three fingers deep inside you again while watching you roll your eyes while arching your back. Getting closer to you to whisper in your ear “You know what I like to be called, little bunny.”

You try your best to control your orgasm and let the words out, only to almost scream the words while the orgasm leaves you seeing white dots and your body arching uncontrollable “M-Master! I’m your bitch, your good pet, your- Hnng!” He hits that special place inside you making you almost choke in your words. “Per- Perfect toy! Fuck! Just shove your cock in me Master, fuck, please, please!”

The way this man fucks you after you use the magic word is insane, he wanted to watch you break a little longer, but his dick was painfully hard, and hear you beg like this, how could he deny what his perfect toy want so much?

König grabs your hair with his free hand while taking out his fingers from inside you, a sound of complain escaping your lips while you are pulled by your hair to kneel down on the ground, while he struggles to quickly open his belt with one hand while he hungrily licked his finger under his hood, making sure to make it as loud as possible alongside with his moans so to watch you shake in pleasure under him.

Shoving down his pants and underwear to free his cock, rubbing it around your face, making his precum join all the mess of fluid over your face.

He pushes the tip against your lips and you gladly comply, opening your mouth the most you can so he can shove his dick inside, hitting the back of your throat in one thrust making you gag involuntarily. The groan that left his lips was brutal, making your whole body shake in pleasure and roll your eyes back while the fucked your mouth, holding you by your hair, forcing you to stay in place.

Being only able to see his eyes behind the mask while he looked down on you, you knew the bastard was smirking watching you cum hard while you got throat fucked. Your throat was amazing, but König was too lost in your punishment to be able to cum just with that, he needed to cum deep in your hole so you would be forever marked by him.

When König finally lets go of you, and you finally manage to swallow your saliva mixed with his precum, the relief of finally having air back into your lungs makes you almost fall to the ground, but you two weren’t done yet, you still had a lesson to learn.

Your Master grabs you by the hair again, pulling you up to guide you back to the bed. Pressing your head against the bed, while his other hand grabbed your hips and forced you to keep your ass up for him.

He shoves his dick inside in one trust, fucking you fast and hard, chasing his own high feeling your hole tight around his dick just the way he liked it, when you were so out of it from the pleasure that your body reacting on its own, moving so that your hips clashed against his, wanting more and more of the intoxicating feeling the man always manage to bring to you.

You were making a mess of saliva, tears and cum on the sheets under you, trying to hold onto anything around you like your life depended on it, the groans and moans escaping you hurting your throat that you knew you wouldn’t be able to even talk tomorrow, or walk if you were being honest.

His breath was out of control, it had been a while that he had lost the rhythm of his hips, he was so fucking close, he needed to fill your hole with his cum so fucking bad, but the knot in his belly completly refused to let go. In frustration he pulls his mask out, feeling the need of extra air in his lungs.

König pulls your hair maybe way too hard, forcing you to get up and crash your back against his chest, his other arm holding you against him by hugging you tightly by your hip, letting go of your hair to close his hand around your neck.

Your moans and frantic breath close to his ear, feeling your crazed heartbeat against his chest and hand, the sounds your hole made each time he thrusted inside you, God he was so fucking close.

He bites your shoulder hard, making you moan loudly before he finally cum inside you, you swear something on your brain broke, you didn’t cum again, mostly because you were too far gone at this point. Incapable of feeling anything besides the pleasure he gives you, your whole body feels so heavy, your mind in a fog that doesn't dissipate even if you had the strength to try.

König stays still, making sure all of his cum gets inside of you before he tries his best to gently let both of you collapse on the bed, turning around so you would be on top of him, still deep inside you to make sure you get properly marked.

Taking his time so both of you catch a bit of your senses back before he whispers in your ear. You’re only mine, little bunny.

#könig x reader #konig x reader #kortac x reader #cod x reader #wanted to take it out of my head #it made it worse

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corvidcrybaby · 15 days

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This is probably gonna sound odd and sudden, but I love your Hellsing theories and character headcanons so I thought I’d take a shot.

Does anyone else hc that Alucard might be a little bit of a misandrist?

From his past, it would make sense, and his closest relationships are mostly women with the exceptions of Walter (and Anderson if you wanna add that mess into it).

Maybe it’s just a little bit of projection on my part, but it seems that to me Alucard gravitates towards women when it comes to any type of relationship before men.

This is an interesting take, and I do see how someone could arrive at this conclusion. Alucard has suffered much at the hands of men, between his childhood victimization at the hands of the Ottomans and his further-traumatizing defeat and enslavement by Van Helsing (something we know has left deep emotional wounds in his psyche, given the nightmare sequence we see him wake up crying from). One could easily make the argument that this has resulted in an aversion to men, and while I don't think it's a core facet of his character, it's all in how one wishes to read the script.

Me personally, I think this mostly plays on inversion of the usual tropes of vampirism, as Hellsing and Hirano both really love to do that. Take, for example, the scene where Integra forces Seras to drink her blood through a domineering and seductive approach to force Seras to embrace her base instincts, that she has thus far insisted on resisting. This type of scene is normally inverted. Most vampire fiction would have a female vampire pushing and seducing a human woman, and moreover, it is far more common to see this dynamic in the classic Male Vampire/Human Female that is so archetypical and classic a trope for vampire lit.

Subsequently, it is then very subversive and interesting that Alucard's Master whom he is so dedicated to, is Integra. A woman. It is implied that he has mixed feelings about Van Helsing, and his opinions on Arthur aren't explored much beyond showing that Arthur was something of a womanizing buffoon. It could stand to reason that Integra being a woman lowered Alucard's hackles, even if it were subconscious. I personally think this is moreso commentary on the dynamic and duality of human and vampire and part of Hirano being a geeky little dude who enjoys playing with tropes and turning them inside out, upside down, pulling them apart and putting them back together again.

But, as I say, the implications are certainly there!

#thx for the ask!!!#hellsing #hellsing fandom #hellsing ultimate #alucard #ask box #hellsing headcanons #hellsing fanfiction

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whattraintracks · 2 months

Text

1. Watching His Favorite Movie - every iteration I've ever seen

My headcanons based on vibes and thrown together in the middle of the night

1987 Raphael

becomes the most annoying person you’ve ever watched a movie with

ever

has seen this movie ten dozen times, can and will quote it by heart

would rather make fun of everything in said movie, witty one-liners galore

all the snacks which he chews obnoxiously and loudly

1990s Raph

as background noise to literally anything

once he saw it and decided yep this is my favorite he never sat down to watch it again

he's got things to do and ain’t nobody got time to sit down and watch a movie they’ve already seen

just has it playing while he works out or cleans his sai or does chores or whatever

but if someone tries to turn it off he will get pissed, he was paying attention thank you very much and that was the best part

TNM Raph

on his own, he either gets super into it or just passes out halfway through

with some else, he must make them understand why this is in fact the greatest movie of all time

the kinda guy that goes wait wait wait here’s the best part and gets mad when you don’t react correctly to his favorite scenes

the guys hate him for it because they’ve all seen this movie a million times

but Venus has not! and he takes full advantage of that fact

2003 Raph

is pretty thoughtful and quiet about it

mostly because he likes to pull it out when he’s having a low-energy day or just feeling nostalgic

must be doing something mindless simultaneously: knitting, eating, I don’t know, laundry?

is also super insightful about it, can and will dissect the plot

hums the soundtrack to himself for the rest of the day

2007 Raph

prefers to watch with at least one other person so he can ✨ discuss ✨

always uses closed captions

loves the IDEA of sneaking into theaters to see it but can’t stand watching it straight through

frequently pauses and rewinds, especially loves extended cuts and commentaries

will get sidetracked halfway through by video essays and online debates courtesy of Donnie

2012 Raph

his level of enjoyment is directly proportional to the amount of scoffing

even alone actually, it's not just a tough guy act

it's like when you know something is objectively awful but you unironically love it anyway

if someone misreads this as dislike or disinterest and suggests turning it off they will be threatened within an inch of their life

hates interruptions cannot stand people who talk while watching his movie and gets really frustrated when he can’t finish watching it in one sitting

Rise Raph

DO NOT GET NEAR HIM

the closest available object and/or person will become his personal teddy bear for the duration of any scene that makes him emotional

otherwise he’s reenacting the entire thing, as a one-man show or with his siblings

definitely knows it by heart and all of the trivia

particularly all the obscure actors and stunt people

M&M Raph

so loud, oh my wow, both him and whatever device he’s watching on

reacts every time like it’s the first time he’s seen it

especially loses his mind if he notices something he never has before

talks about it for hours afterwards

will subconsciously adopt all the catchphrases and verbal quirks

#march for raph #zero evidence for any of this just felt right #i had this all ready to go and i was really happy with it when i realised i FORGOT 07 #don't worry i added him once i remembered #it's always 07 raph i'm so sorry you deserve better #raphael hamato #raphael splinterson #tmnt 1987 #tmnt 1990 #the next mutation #tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2007 #tmnt 2012 #rottmnt #mutant mayhem #tmnt #whattrainofthought

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weirdmageddon · 7 months

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since hes open to feedback im considering talking to james roach about giving jade the justice she deserves after her narrative shafting in act 6 and one-dimensional ooc-ness (and also being a plot device deprived of agency) in the epilogues. if i do im probably going to link to this post……

so james if i sent this to you and you’re reading this, hi! :)

you say, “i want you to know if youre having problems with the story you can come to me with it and i will hear you out”. first of all you are such a good dude and have such a good open honest approach to the fans. i need to get that out there, because i know you’re just as much a fan of these characters and world are we are. secondly, i don’t know what your plans for homestuck beyond canon are, but dave and jade’s poor handling is a problem in both homestuck canon (act 6, even act 5 fucking them over with “tell, don’t show”; see the latter half of section 1 of the post at > Dave: Deploy cloning apparatus. and section 2) and post-canon that has yet to be addressed.

i understand the nuances of making things flow in a story; things that have already been established can’t be simply retconned. i wrote this post knowing that in mind and hopefully working around that into believably timed and justified/needed arcs gives it more potential

jade is a character i care about so much, and many fans also. her dynamic with dave was one of my favorites but the resolution to their separation…is not even really a resolution. it’s hard to talk about one without the other since theyve always been narratively intertwined. or at least jade has

remember how they musically collaborated more than the other kids? (crystalanthemums is their surprisingly tender song dont forget. i saw that the weird troll grub versions of objects make a comeback in the upd8; make music a relevant part of homestuck in-universe again too </3) dave sending her sbahj furry poster in the mail? the first ones to use a collaborative fraymotif in the comic? kringlefucker and conksuck boot? literally collaborating on creating the right seed for the new universe? and then dave died in jade’s arms and they were separated for 3 years and then that never gets touched on because of the retcon and all the other endgame shit going on (and lets be real grimbark jade from before the retcon wasn’t a satisfying reunion either). we get like, a brief exchange of dialogue at the very very end that made you want to see MORE of them after the battle but it. doesnt happen.

and then in the epilogues jade gets warped into this oddly hypersexual ooc one-dimensional character meant to narratively get in the way of davekat and it’s so awkward and uncomfortable for them. and even THEN in meat timeline gets her agency revoked by the narrative with alt calliope. and in candy dave realizes he’s gay (i thought he was explicitly bi? didnt he call jane hot multiple times both pre-and post-retcon, and once call roxy a “choice babe” in pajamas before he knew it was his ectomom?? if you’re actually gay and in denial why would you have these subconscious freudian blunders). and being married to jade gnaws at him because of it which is. unsatisfying i guess and isn’t consistent with dave’s established sexuality…and then he dies leaving his probably concerned wife and becomes a robot. even if the “point” is that the epilogues are metanarrative commentary about storytelling and candy represents the kind of fanfic that goes off the rails with fanservice it doesn’t feel good when i still care about these characters and their established canons. and a lot of people are in the same camp as me regarding this. it’s still an uncomfortable resolution for their relationship

i really want to see jade’s arc overcoming being used as a puppet by the narrative and the space aspect. just some things to think about / consider that have been running through my head: she’s a witch, right? isn’t what she’s supposed to do is actively bend the rules of her aspect? feferi bended the rules of life by asking the horrorterrors to create dream bubbles so the deceased could still sort of “live” which had a massive narrative impact. who exactly determines that being spacebound means you are fated to be passive and alone? the author? alt calliope? how do we know alt calliope can be trusted or if she’s just projecting her experiences as the most passive class possible onto jade, who ironically has an active manipulation class but is forced to be passive for some reason? normal calliope wasn’t right about everything classpect-related either.

ultimately these things are up to you. you’re still the director of course. but i’m speaking to you, as equally caring of these characters as you and everyone on the team, as a hypothetical suggestion or just something to consider for a jade arc: i think it would do such good to jade and the comic as a whole to see her speak to the manager and recognize the power she has and take back the reigns over her own life and dignity. jade is MAD that she had her own possibilities for socialization and agency taken away from her. and with floralmarsupial, my beloved mutual floral who i went to homestuck high together with, i KNOW the potential they possess to write a compelling arc for jade harley. i think everyone knows too lol floral is THE compelling deep jade harley fanwork big name fan. i dont know what we got to lose. with you guys in charge now, and with the last we see of jade in hs^2 (now hs:bc) fighting callie’s influence and advocating for her own agency, really the only way to go from here for jade is up. (assuming she doesn’t permadie of peanut but i doubt that’s going to happen since she’s one of the original kids and it wouldn’t be satisfying storytelling. and it’s homestuck)

this statement so ripe with potential to me ^ and we’re left on a cliffhanger with jade going in this direction

i want jade and dave to be close friends who care about each other a lot and do silly stuff together again. this isn’t even a call to make davejade canon; it doesnt have to be romantic—i dont want a davekat davejade war to break out, you know? i know you’re trying to balance fan demands. but i just loved their dynamic a lot and i MISS it so much, homestuck act 6 didnt give us this and i wish their reunion had more that went into it. we’re past that point though

i want jade and dave to have a talk that’s like old times. something that isn’t awkward as hell or about sexual relations or drama or whos fucking who. just something for the two of them. something that grounds them in what made homestuck so compelling in the first place: character and friendships and these kind of interactions

i want to see them collaborate again. an idea i have is maybe they start a band or something since they’re both musically talented and also live together so they can make stuff together in person now. you’re a music guy you get it. tangle buddies. jam buddies

and maybe something more serious that concerns just the two of them. post-retcon dave never talked to jade about his thoughts when they fought bec noir right? knowing that jade would inevitably kill him with bullets through bec, but he couldnt warn her because he knows she wouldn’t go through with it, creating a doomed timeline? so jade thought all that time she killed him by accident…..what about all that guilt she must harbor? the first person she had in-person contact with since she was probably four years old, her best friend online, and accidentally killed him within just a few hours of meeting him? and never got to talk about it with him, let alone anyone, after three years? hello?? :(

these are the final lines of the last pesterlog between jade and dave before their 3-year separation (and basically all of act 6)

so uh…..this exchange really openly invites some kind of talk to take place even if it’s long overdue. among other things maybe. they need to hug or something. jade’s touch starvation is real, but not everything needs to be sexualized about touch. she’s lonely and starved of affection but i feel like it would be more meaningful if it wasn’t sexualized. just really basic platonic primal cloth mother needs. just like..both being human beings and having basic needs like this that jade’s been deprived of. who’s the person she would feel most comfortable going to? who does she have the richest history with throughout the webcomic? dave, right? her online best friend since childhood that always cared a lot about her? they have stuff to talk about

i feel like that would address the issue people had with jade’s out of left-field promiscuity in the epilogues and even leftovers of it in hs^2. not only do i think primal platonic touch starvation would be a more meaningful and evocative type of interaction to give them at some point, it wouldn’t rock the boat or create any ship drama (davekat has long since sailed and most people seem to be on board with it) and it would probably be really positive representation of these sorts of things which not only throws a bone to aroace people but just depicting this sort of thing normalizes the fact that two people can be close and not necessarily in an official relationship.

this is a good transition point to this post also which is basically an extension to this one. it’s exactly the issues i had. it’s on the nature of what they had going and how much they mean to each other but how the storytelling held them back when it was unnecessary

this breaks my heart. mr. roach and hs:bc writing team please i miss my favorite blorbo duo being happy in each other’s company. they were such good friends but circumstances pulled them apart. i miss when they created music together and talked about their interests and exchanged quips. i am such a well of ideas for stuff like this. show us how much they mean to each other again

if youre still reading this james thanks for hearing me out. if you wanna pass on to the writing team to look at and get their feedback on this i’d be so so thankful

“and to think that after all this he still chose to save her, like always, probably knowing he had little to no chance, just because he cares for her, her life and who she is beyond this moment, really meant a lot for them. i really, really was mad that this would be the last time they would truly ever be together in a way that to me mattered” — vintagegamebro

#homestuck #homestuck meta #jade harley #dave strider #hs2 #hsbc #hs

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harrowharkwife · 6 days

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for the character meme: dulcie or cam or pal or a character of ur choosing!!! hehe

!!!!! ty lem!! im gonna do my girl dulcie...

favorite thing about them: honestly just the way she's written- it never fails to make me emotional that she *is* explicitly written as being brave and strong, but tamsyn neatly sidesteps the "inspiration porn" ableist stereotype of writing a character as being brave/strong *because* they are sick. dulcie isn't brave or strong because of her illness. her strength and bravery are explicitly positioned, IMO, as being in response to surviving *ableism* and other people's condescension towards her and mistreatment of her, rather than surviving her illness itself, if that makes sense. her health is just a fact of her life, it's not moralized. which i really, really appreciate. it's a small shift, but it's very meaningful to me.

ALSO deeply special to me: her intentional and careful commitment to boundaries re: The Palamedes Of It All. a refreshing change of pace, as far as these books go vgjtjxdjt

least favorite thing about them: i mean. houser. :/

favorite line: three way tie between "truly, wonderful news for my haters," "i am sick of roses and horny for revenge," and "oops, there i go again, never doing what i'm told"

brOTP: gideon!!!!! i think it's a crying shame they've never met. i think they'd get along tremendously. the whole cytherea gideon thing was Horrid and Awful in so many ways, but it always Extra stings (in an adding-insult-to-injury sort of way) when i think about what it would have been like if gideon had REALLY met dulcinea, and not cyth. dulcie would've been a great friend for her, i think. they'd have been so good at making each other laugh

OTP: honestly these days it's cam? @ palamedes ily but get outta here gayboy it's yuri time now. plus i just love chewing on the concept of cam + comphet, and cam + subconscious internalized misogyny, and cam + gender, and cam + her relationships and interactions with other women. i think there's lots to explore there. camdulcie has a certain "when i was eight i didn't realize i had a crush on the new girl in my grade so i just wrote her a note that said 'get out of my school'" energy about it, To Me

nOTP: idk if i really have one for her, specifically? idk. ianthe or something, fuck it.

random headcanon: stoner. on all levels except physical she is taking fuckall huge bong rips. on the physical level though her lungs suck so i think she'd be a tincture girlie. she's got chronic pain she deserves it. am i projecting? you tell me

unpopular opinion: idk if this is an unpopular opinion exactly, but i always see people referring to thee rejected proposal as being something born primarily out of love/out of romantic intent? and i don't know if that's necessarily how i see it. it was CERTAINLY, and obviously, a factor. but at least from my interpretation of pal's monologue to cytherea at the end there, i get the sense that he had already accepted her boundaries in that regard, because he says he "understood that he was a child." and we also get camilla saying that his motivations in proposing were primarily a means-to-an-end way of getting her off the seventh and letting her die with dignity. iirc her exact words were like "so she could spend what time she had left with people who cared about her." like, don't get me wrong, i think pal is lying to himself if he says that being in love with dulcie wasn't PART of the motivation there. but i find it a lot more interesting in a worldbuilding and social commentary way to interpret the circumstances there as him offering, essentially, to be a hospice doctor at age 19, and marriage being the 'easiest' way to get her off the seventh/planet medical malpractice. there's an imperial misogyny ownership-through-marriage throughline there that's nauseating, as well as the implications re: disability and agency and autonomy, and i think that's all very interesting to explore. i think this view is supported in part by the paldulcie interaction in TUG, where she alludes to the idea that she was cognizant about the impact that bearing witness to death and loss up-close and personal like that changes a person, and that she didn't want to do that to pal and cam, especially given their age. i think it informa dulcie's character and grants her additional narrative agency to look at things from that angle, of her "no" being in reference to *both* the age gap AND her intentional choice to continue suffering on the seventh, rather than put two kids through being hospice caregivers and/or widowers at nineteen– no matter how many times and how sincerely they kept offering, no matter that she would've absolutely had a more peaceful and comfortable end-of-life HAD she accepted his proposal and gone to the sixth to die. i think it says a lot about her as a person, that choice. there's a quiet and meaningful responsibility to her as a person that i find fascinating. and her character is just sooooo firmly rooted in and informed by disability politics, on every level, and i feel like people don't engage with that aspect of her characterization enough!

song i associate with them: ooooh SO many, i have a whole playlist. but i think the biggest ones are

-the drama by kesha ("friday night, get too high, keep checking my pulse, am i dead yet?" / "in the next life i wanna come back, as a housecat as a housecat! i'd sleep and play in the sun, i'd be a fuckin' cute son of a gun!")

-avant gardener by courtney barnett (the whole song really, but especially the lines "the paramedic thinks i'm clever cause i play guitar, i think she's clever cause she stops people dyin'," and "i take a hit off an asthma puffer, i do it wrong, i was never good at smokin' bongs." i just think she'd love this song.)

-honorable mentions include stoned at the nail salon by lorde, life according to raechel by madison cunningham, rose-colored boy by paramore (@ palamedes, lmfao), picture me better by weyes blood, extraordinary machine by fiona apple, rubberband girl by kate bush, last words of a shooting star by mitski.

favorite picture of them: oh man well it obviously has to be my icon... art made for me by the lovely @franzias-cave !!!! based on the concept of "the woman is dying, please do her the decency of allowing her to look the part in fanart." my girl... she's a malign fairy, she's a hot-eyed wraith <3

ty lem this was so fun! i love my gworl :')

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lavandermin · 11 months

Note

Please share your professor Welt Yang thoughts, I've brought snacks for us!!! ☺️🍉🍫🧁🍙🍓

(I fear this will awaken something in me)

- 🍪

took 3-5 business days to arrange my thoughts since it was just feral babbling in my melted brain. But!!! We are ready now ☝️

suggestive toward the end, what can I say. I want to get in his professor pants sorry

Professor Welt Yang who is obviously the crush of quite a few university students, though I’d think he would be the oblivious type who just thinks of it as silly faculty gossip. His lectures are always very popular and at full capacity each semester.

Of course you aren’t immune to his serious yet gentle charm either. And while working on grad school you go to him for certain advice and pointers for your thesis. It becomes a more and more frequent thing, so much that you have his office hours memorized at this point.

Conversation is easy with him. And you’ll admit sometimes you go and start a random topic off with a broad question just to hear Welt talk in that deep voice of his. You could hear him talk for hours if he’d let you.

Of course this man is dense and dumb as rocks when it comes to even taking the hint that you are down so bad for him. Just have some patience with him.

You’ll catch him at the university’s cafe grabbing a quick lunch and coffee which turns into effortless conversation just to stay with him a little longer. At your one-on-ones you’ll even bring him a coffee when you stop by. Kind gesture or wiggling your way into his mind? You would never reveal.

There are little things here and there that you start to do that will leave you on his mind more often.

It’ll start with visits for advice on your material and projects. You are easy to get along with and even have some insightful commentary on the topics he speaks about.

Then come the complimentary coffees you bring— sometimes even some suggestions you bring to mix it up. He always enjoys them and thanks you for going out of your way to bring him the most delicate blends and flavors.

Then come the few invites to lunch. First at the university’s cafe to continue the conversations. After a few weeks you offer lunch at nearby places just outside campus. “It’ll make a nice change of scenery and the weather is lovely for a walk today, don’t you think, Professor Yang?” you’ll suggest oh so sweetly. And with that kind and genuine smile you give, how could he refuse? There are some subconscious thoughts that go through his mind wondering if you’re his favorite student. A strange one indeed given you took his lecture last semester and others a few years while you worked on your bachelor’s, but aren’t a student of his currently.

Your meetings during his office hours continue— a bit more scattered throughout the week and with more days in between. Welt starts to look forward to seeing you in his office, two coffees in hand. Lately he’s all you can think about. It becomes more of a frequent guilty pleasure as you show up in tight pencil skirts and button up blouses that reveal a lacy set underneath if his eyes linger too long. You apologize for constant formal attire, throwing in some excuse about recent project presentations and an internship you began. His eyes follow you when you move to leave his office, eyes glued to the way the pencil skirt hugs all your curves in ways that have him a little dazed with new thoughts.

You start showing up on Fridays and later than usual to his office, skirt length just a little higher sometimes and giving him a tease with how your stockings complement your plush thighs so well. You apologize deeply for catching him at the end of his office hours— and before the weekend, no less. The campus is mostly empty with majority of students having left and only a few faculty still around. Your professor, being the kind soul he is, of course tells you it’s always a pleasure to have you in his office. And your attire today certainly is… special.

“Apologies, professor, I have a dinner later with some friends and don’t have time to go home and change,” you explain as you head toward his desk in practiced motions. Your weekly routines. Welt shuts the door, assuring you it’s no issue.

But it is an issue. His heart hammers rapidly in his chest as his eyes take in your attire against their will. How could a simple black dress hug your body in such a sinful way? Or was it just his mind?

His heart is swaying and his feelings will go through some internal turmoil as he begins to realize that his feelings are something more.

Still, ever the professional, he takes a seat at his desk and offers you the one in front of him. Same routine. Just another meeting.

And you break routine. Or break him.

His eyes follow your every move and gesture as you begin explaining some issues you’ve had with your thesis edits and research. Being so close to him, he can catch the subtle scent of your perfume. A warm and subtle citrus.

You apologize briefly, telling him you have to leave soon but needed his advice to get some edits done over the weekend. No need to apologize of course. His eyes follow your every move as you apply some lipstick on while he looks over your file that you emailed over. His heart beats louder and there are some images that come forth in his mind that he has to will away. He has long succumbed to these… questionable thoughts. And that’s putting it lightly.

“Professor?”

Oh. He had been staring idly, not even realizing you were so close to him now. Damn, he hasn’t even looked over the file yet.

Your sultry voice still rings like blaring alarms in his brain. He clears his throat and says he will look the files over more thoroughly and send you an email so you’re not late to your dinner.

Your laugh is heavenly as you point to something on the screen of note on the file. Something he doesn’t even register as his eyes immediately fall to the way your chest is mere inches from his face as you bend near him. The revealing low cut of your dress leaves little to the imagination.

“Professor Yang.” Your voice is just above a whisper, pulling his attention once more.

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?” you ask simply, hand on his shoulder making the skin under his dress shirt feel like it’s on fire.

Heat spreads to his entire body, mind blank. His eyes dart to your lips and linger there as he gulps. Hard.

With a chuckle, you lean down to press a kiss to his neck. An action he feels has an effect on him ten times more severe than if you were to kiss his cheek. It’s deliberate. It’s planned. And he wants more.

You tilt his chin up with a delicate hand. Welt is at your mercy, not making any indication of wanting these advances to stop. His eyes are on your lips again as you lean closer, and tilt your head with a sly smile.

“Seems this lipstick really is smudge-proof,” you say, examining the area where you placed your lips. Your eyes go back to his and suddenly his breath hitches in anticipation. “Professor.”

Welt shudders at the way the word rolls of your tongue. There’s jolts of electricity that run through his spine and spread through him in an addictive rush just from your voice. You have him inevitably wrapped around your finger.

“Again,” Welt says with a clear of his throat.

You climb onto his lap, checking his expression in case there was any indication he didn’t want your advances. The hardness painfully confined in his slacks says otherwise.

And you indulge him with a kiss on the lips. One you smile into as he goes in for another like a man starved. Welts rough hands grab at your soft thighs, pulling you closer against him. It’s like he can’t stop now that he’s started. He pushes the thought of someone walking into his office and being discovered engaging in these scandalous activities with a former student far back in his mind, like a fleeting thought he can’t be bothered to think of. Not right now, not when you’re mischievously tugging at his belt buckle. The serious gentleman everyone knows is quickly dissolving before you.

Several months of pleasantries and exchanges and patience finally leading up to exactly what you wanted. You can’t help but grin against his lips for your little victory.

#are we a home wrecker? who knows #welt yang x reader #I’m never letting this dilf go #ask stuff 💌#mii writes #🍪 anon #cw suggestive #hsr fanfic #cw age gap #bc he wouldn’t be a dilf otherwise

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nihyunluvskookie · 7 months

Text

“What did I tell you about distractions?”

“Seungcheol One Shot ”

Pairing: Choi Seungcheol × Female Reader

Genre: second chance romance

Warning: mention of car crash

Word Count: 3.1K

Author’s Note: This was totally impulsive, I randomly got this idea when I was returning back home after classes. Hope I didn’t end it in a weird way. I had a playlist, I made for this. Do let me know your thoughts because I think racer Seungcheol is veryyyyyy hawt.

Happy reading :)

I took a deep breath, perfectly knowing what was coming for me. five years… freaking five years. I’ve been almost waiting for this day every second, anticipating it. But now, the time has come and here I am, inside my car. I took a deep breath, adjusting everything for once. “Are you ready?”

“I need to win. I’ve been waiting for this.”

Once I heard the gunfire, I started driving. I had one thing in my mind, that was to win. I need to win and show how he taught me well. All the memories started flooding inside my brain, “I hope when I will win next time, you would be there standing beside me and cheering up for me” his words felt like echoing in my ears. I didn’t let anything distract me, not even his memories.

“You need to use all your focus on the road, press the accelerator, and then press break after some time, you can start drifting once you are stable enough.” I nodded at his words. “Racing is not very tough but not very easy, you need focus” I kissed him quickly while he was talking, “And now that’s a distraction Shasha” he looked at me, I had his undivided attention, as if I was his everything for now. He leaned closer to me, he took my hand, and placed it on the steering wheel, “you can’t be distracted like this” he leaned closer, his one hand was on me, which was holding the steering wheel and another was the on the window, caging me between him.

“one distraction and you lose focus, which means you lose the race” With each word he was saying, he was leaning closer bit by bit, and the moment he mentioned losing the race, our noses almost touched. I was trying, to focus on him but I was getting distracted by how his hands were resting on mine on top of the steering wheel, “so,” he kissed me, once “Don’t” he kissed me again “Do” and again “this” he kissed me again and looked at me, “ever again” and he kissed me pushing me back. his hand was gripping my hand; his other hand which was on the window, reached my waist and pulled me closer to him, he groaned in between the kiss, asking for my permission for the tongue. My hand went to hold him, so that I don’t fall back but he pulled me closer again.

“you’re the only distraction I have right now but I want us in the podium, standing next to eachother” he smiled and kissed me again.

I was too focused on the track when this memory flooded in. I was hearing the commentary and keeping track of my and Seungcheol’s car subconsciously. I was feeling better every time I completed one lap. Everything reminded me of how I cheered for Seungcheol whenever he would complete one lap and then continue being ahead of others and finally win. One after another lap, I needed to win. I was putting all my trust in myself and so did my teammates.

“You are learning way too fast. You’re not supposed to learn this fast, how am I supposed to enjoy if you learn this fast Shasha” I could hear him while he tried to match my pace. I couldn’t blame him for this, I was always interested in bikes, cars, and speed but never got the chance to learn because my parents were always against it and after meeting Seungcheol, life got better.

Soon, I parked my bike near Seungcheol’s house and got down, I saw Seungcheol, almost throwing his helmet and walking towards me. I couldn't even take one more step when his hands reached for my neck and pulled me for a kiss. His body pressed towards me, and making me almost lean on my bike, but his other hand was on my bare waist, pulling him closer to him. “you’re a fast learner, and pretty attractive in this racer outfit” he looked at me, his breaths hitting my face, “doesn’t mean I would lose you to a random guy, with whom you seemed to have fun talking randomly while driving, what did I say about focus. He was expecting me to answer, which I gladly would, because watching this Seungcheol all worked up because he was jealous was fun. ‘you need to use all your focus on-

Before I could complete the word ‘road’ he kissed me, that was a rough kiss but who was I to complain, I was enjoying it. His fingers doing things to my bare waist, mental note, never wear a crop top then a leather jacket when I am with Seungcheol, he will drive me insane. “me” he said in between kiss and kissed me harder again. Whenever he would be jealous, he would make an excuse but at times he would just kiss me to let me know how jealous he gets at times.

“don’t do that again, I don’t want you to get into an accident, love”

“Are you saying this because you’re scared of me getting into an accident or jealous to control yourself when I talk to other guys while driving” I was teasing him, he knew it.

“I don’t get jealous, because I am your boyfriend and you’re mine.” He came closer and decreased the distance between us again, I could feel his breaths again. I was ready to kiss him again but then, he stepped back, I was about to let out a breath because of disappointment, and then he put both of his hands on my cheeks right away and kissed me.

“I get jealous because I love you” I smiled in between the kiss

The whole thing could be an amazing win. So, I needed to win.

Every time I completed a lap, the crowd cheer felt nice, all the cheering, everything felt very well deserved because of the hardwork I did till now. I didn’t realize, it was already the last lap, and I overtook the only car which was infront of me, pressing the accelerator and the finish line was a few meters away, I could easily, reach the finish line in a few minutes. I was focused on everything, my focus was on the finish line, that one line, I wanted to complete, to show my parents that I wasn’t some loser.

“You are not meeting him again, that’s it.” I looked at my dad in disbelief, had he not caught me driving with Seungcheol four days ago. I was grounded, being, twenty-three and almost having no freedom to do anything.

“Because you’re leaving today in a few hours, everything is ready. You will go study.”

“I am not leaving.” He gave me my flight tickets, “Shasha,, don’t you remember how you came injured one time and you lied about it, but come to think about it, you fell from a bike” I wasn’t even injured badly, I got a few scratches. “I can’t see you getting involved in any kind of accident because of racing, so you’re leaving. You can’t do anything” and I had to leave him without words. Somewhere I knew how things could go downhill if I didn’t agree with my dad. He could do any kind of harm to Seungcheol because he knew him and had connections all over the world.

But after I went to Switzerland I started driving, learning with all the hardwork along with my studies. I had one thing in my mind while leaving, and that was to keep the thing alive within myself which was gifted by Seungcheol, because we won’t be having contact anymore. I hated to leave but I had to.

“You can never do anything in this, it’s something which you are doing under the influence of your boyfriend, and this is what you get.”

I always told myself, I could do everything I wanted to. One good thing that happened after dad sent me to Switzerland, was I got better and better in my driving. And driving on this racetrack was the result of my hardwork; representing one of the best teams in less than two years, was something I never thought of. I needed to prove to my parents today that it was all worth, racing was all worth the whole championship. I was all excited to win this race because the car which I overtook was long gone. Few more seconds and I would be standing on the podium.

“Seungcheol’s car crashing because-” I pressed the brakes, without thinking twice. My whole body went stiff, I couldn’t focus on it anymore when I heard those three words ‘Seungcheol’s car crashing’. My car, drifted but I couldn’t reach the finish line, I got out of my car and ran towards Seungcheol’s car, making my heartbeat fast every second I was taking a step towards him.

I couldn’t hold myself anymore and ran towards his car, not caring about other cars passing by at speed. I somehow opened the door of his car and tried pulling him out. Tears were falling constantly. It reminded me of how I was about to get into an accident once while learning and Seungcheol almost crying holding me tight; telling me how he can’t lose me ot the thing he loves the most. It felt like I was getting a déjà vu except the fact, it was Seungcheol who actually got into a car crash.

I couldn’t wait for the paramedical team to come, why are they even late? “WHERE’S THE PARAMEDIC TEAM???” I was so annoyed, I couldn’t understand, couldn’t they see the car crash, and about the car crash I very well know who it could be.

Wish I was strong enough to pull him out “Seungcheol” I was calling out his name, but there he was stuck inside the car. Soon the paramedic team arrived and pulled him out. I was feeling numb, everything I was feeling for the past few minutes faded away, all the excitement, nostalgic memories, the passion that I had to win. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to see him, on the podium together, celebrating our victory but didn’t expect I would be meeting him like this.

Once the paramedic team took him towards the medical room on the stretcher, I was trying to calm myself down.

“I’m leaving with them. Over.” I took off my headset and almost threw it; not caring about anything else, the whole audience, my teammates, everyone was in shock, I could feel my boss threatening to kick me out of the team but I followed the paramedic team in tears.

I was sitting, while waiting for him to gain consciousness. With each passing second, I was worried about him, I was supposed to be worrying about my career, the race, the podium, my boss, my teammates how I let them down, and my own parents whom I wanted to show that I could do this, this is something I wanted to do. I was feeling messed up until I saw him gaining consciousness, I looked at him. He looked lost, “Seungcheol”

“What are you doing here?” the shift in his voice, took me aback, I should’ve expected this after what I did five years ago.

“What do you mean?” I wiped my tears, trying to make my voice stable.

“You were supposed to be in the podium, holding that trophy” he tried sitting up, when I extended my hand to help him, he stopped me.

“I didn’t complete the race.” I looked at him.

“What were you thinking?” the authority he had while questioning to me, even my boss didn’t talk to me like that “Did I teach you to drive like that and leave the race when you were about to win?”

“Seungcheol, I don’t give a shit about the race when it comes to you.” I had it enough, how could he even ask that to me?

“Did I teach you THAT?” I almost flinched, when he raised his voice at me, he never did.

“But I couldn’t leave you like that” The horror I felt a few minutes ago, flashed infront of my eyes; almost making me tear up. This was important for me but he was more important for me. I was learning everything because I wanted to meet him, this was the only way to meet him. I couldn’t let myself down when I promised him that we would be standing beside each other on the podium after the race finishes.

“But you left me.” his words were stern as if he had no emotions left for me. “I didn’t want to, I had no other choice.”

“You left me, Shasha. You LEFT me.”

“I DIDN’T WANT TO” and my tears were almost choking me. How do I explain to him, that I had no choice back then but to agree with whatever my father chose for me, that was the only thing I could do for us.

I was shaking my head in denial, I looked at him, five years… five years; I waited for him. I wanted to see him, smile at me or maybe I expected too much by hoping he would hug me as soon as he will see me and maybe tell me how much he missed me and how much he loved me. But it felt like I was shattering myself only by expecting too much from a guy whom I loved so dearly.

“You were the reason, I could bring myself here, I had no other way. I wanted to prepare myself to face you but then, it looked like I was the only one missing you and hoping for a second chance.” He looked at me, I wanted him to pull me closer and wipe my tears.

He sat up facing me, “You left me Shasha, nothing could change the fact.”

“I had no choice Seungcheol, why don’t you understand that? All these years, I was longing for you, waiting for the right time to meet you, tell you everything and I didn’t expect to meet you like this? in a fucking car crash where I could see my own life flashing right infront of me”

“You didn’t have to lose the race for me?”

“And it was okay to lose you?” I questioned him, if he thinks this race was important than him, then I needed to prove him wrong, nothing is more important than him.

“You lost me once already. You were long gone even before I knew that you had left me. Tell me Shasha, did I really deserve that kind of treatment? I was so broken and there wasn't even a way to find my answers...I didn't know what questions to ask because we were so perfect back then. We were so happy and you just decided to break it all off without any explanation. I didn't need you to lose the race for me Shasha. I needed you to give me a chance.... or at least some answer. Do you have any idea the kind of self-deprecating thoughts I have had since then?”

“I...I am so sorry Seungcheol. I don’t know how to explain what happened. In the simplest of words,” I tried to not choke on my tears, trying to give him the explanation he deserves “My parents found out about us that day I went back home. I was grounded for 4 days, without internet or phone or email someone who could have conveyed my message to you. Seungcheol I wanted to tell you but the next moment I was allowed to step out of the room was when my dad handed me the flight ticket. They sent me to another country and I had no way to contact you from the other side of the world. I am sorry but I really wanted to tell you at least once that I loved you then. I really did. But my dad could have ruined your career and I couldn’t risk your chance at getting your happiness. You had worked so hard for it. So between my love and your career, I chose your happiness.”

“Shasha, look at me” his eyes softened and he pulled me to sit beside him on the bed.

“What did I tell you about distractions?” he took a pause “One distraction and you lose focus, which means you lose the-

I kissed him, and let my tears fall down gracefully. The lingering feeling was still there, I wanted him to kiss me back to tell me that I wasn’t the only one still in love with him. I was asking for a second chance for both of us. I pulled myself apart and looked at him. I couldn’t read him, like I used to, there was a thick air between us, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have- he pulled me by my neck and kissed me.

I felt my lips getting wet, it was his tears. “I missed you, so much my love,” he said in between our kiss, and kissed me again, harder than earlier. We parted after, and we were almost out of breath, “Seungcheol” my voice came out low, and in another blink, he was kissing me again. He kissed me like he wanted to remind me how he tasted and wanted me and how much he loved me. “I loved you so much, I was losing myself when you weren’t with me. these five years, I yearned for you. I wanted you to come back to me, be mine again. But I couldn’t find you anywhere until one day I saw you on the big screen, racing just like the way I taught you. I was ready to face you on the race track and today when I saw you, I had no idea how to react. You looked like mine but not mine to lose.” His words had those unspoken emotions, “I” he said and looked at me, “Will” he came closer, almost our breaths hitting “love” he kissed me “You” and another kiss “Forever” and another kiss, which almost made me fall back, but he was quick to hold me by my waist and pull me closer. My hands went to his neck and he kissed me harder. I just knew, all these years it was hard for us not to break apart and stay in the hope of each other’s love and that I would never have enough of Seungcheol.

I broke the kiss, “I love you so much” and kissed him again

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