#and that's true to a degree

[yellowocaballero]

is knives closer to brad than luida? does she remind him of rem too much?

So much to say about this one and please re-ask it (or I'll rb it) further down the line when we know more!

I can say now that Knives hero worships Brad a bit while he's closer to actual friends with Luida. Which doesn't necessarily equal closeness either way. I think you can tell this already by how often Knives thinks about what Brad would do and what he would say if he was there. They have a very unique relationship that's probably my favorite in the fic, and it was hard to write so I hope it lands how I want it to land.

It's interesting writing a main character of Trigun who's not obsessed with Rem. Knives was more mature than Vash, and as happens frequently in families with a high needs kid like Vash he got a little promoted to part-time caregiver (he also promoted himself, to be fair), so he had a more mature relationship with Rem than Vash ever did. So he's not as obsessed with her pacifism, which means that Knives is pacifist for different reasons in a different way. In a. You know. 'Cold turkey' way.

I never got much chance to explore this, but Vash is absolutely still obsessed with Rem. I couldn't see any situation where Vash didn't do exactly what he thought Rem would want. Which severely affected me writing him because that means that he has to have a baseline level of Space Alien Scifi Insanity for that to be part of his mental schema for the world. Jonestowning a city and telling himself that Rem would want him to do that means that this baseline level has to be extremely high.

This fic was. Really tricky. So tricky. Very tricky. I'm proud of it but MAN you still have to wonder if you did what you wanted to do.

#my writing #there is so much to say about every inch of this and im itching to say it lmfao #because it was so tricky so I had to put even more thought into this shit than usual F #I say that Vash was hard as hell to write and that's true #Wolfwood was also hard as hell to write #and Meryl. #the whole thing was hard #but on another level it was actually pretty easy #i blinked and it was at 100k #if a story has a good foundation and a good structure then no matter how tricky it is it's not hard to write #a story with weak characters and convoluted arcs and a shaky foundation is hard as fuck to write #I see ppl saying that putting less effort into stories makes them easier to write #and that's true to a degree #but if the story gets over 20k or so then actually putting less effort in at the beginning makes it SUPER HARD #lots of ppl I know who have issues writing long stories just have issues with structuring a story #man now im staring at the 30 page epilogue wondering if I should just cut 25 pages of it lmfao. anyway.

[dollya-robinprotector]

(Updatinggg---)

I'm going to update this post later to make the new pinpost. Right now all I can say before getting back to work is their names and titles:

Lya the Blossom

Lyah the Emancipated

Kariya the Alter Ego

Eburnean the Seeker

Oh and remember: PCs ask go to my other Blog okay?

#dollya art #dol pc #dol #degrees of lewdity #chibi art #Lya the Blossom #Lyah the Emancipated #Kariya the Alter Ego #Eburnean the Seeker #updating #Here's the little Nyan true name reveal

[mysisters-bike]

Eric Harris: Online

We explore Eric's affinity for escapism and his behavior online. Super long post, tl;dr at end.

As a teenager, Eric grew more withdrawn. His interests began to take shape around computers and he was particularly fond of Doom II, a 90’s first-person shooter in which the main character (Doomguy) fights hoards of demons on Earth. Doom II included multiplayer, as did its predecessor, Doom. However, one large development that Eric especially enjoyed was the ability to create custom levels for Doom II. 

To this day, Eric’s Doom files (.wad) still roam the internet, somehow miraculously not lost to the sands of time. He seemed to particularly enjoy creating deathmatch levels and would encourage users reading the .readme files for his levels to email him and play with him. 

Creating these levels for Doom was a passion project for Eric. He would work carefully on his wads, even going as far to create his own monster death animations. While it’s very easy to create and distribute modifications for most games today, this was an impressive feat in the mid-late 1990s. Computers and access to the internet was still hitting the homefront, albeit in a massive boom. As technology flourished in the home, Eric found a means to channel his creativity. 

In the infamous “U.A.C. Labs” level, Eric created two fast-paced levels that incorporate jump-scares, plot-twists, and lots of action. He nearly overloaded one of the areas with a spawn of 150+ some monsters that is triggered by the player coming too close to a key that’s required to access the next area. Eric was very proud of this particular level, writing in the .readme: …This one took a damn long time to do, so send me some bloody credit man!...Authors may NOT use this level as a base to build additional levels. You may NOT change a damn thing with this WAD, if you do, I will blow you up. And it will be cool. 

See below: blueprints drawn by Eric in his journal detailing one of his wads. These can be found throughout his writings.

Clearly, Eric was interested in protecting the level’s artistic integrity. This was work he took a great deal of pride in. Eric was described as being interested in pursuing a career in digital development by Brooks, who thought it was feasible he may end up as a videogame designer. 

What was it about Doom that Eric enjoyed so much? 

For starters, the game was paramount in its offering of gore, metal music, and gameplay. Doom was nonstop action with intriguing stories that could be followed along in both game and book. It is my theory that Eric enjoyed high-paced, high-action activities to stimulate a mind he was not entirely comfortable being alone with. This was also a world in which Eric could control – he could smite down the monsters in his path and he knew what lay around every corner. This may be considered a form of escapism, which is not necessarily new behavior in teenagers. Interestingly, however, there are multiple studies that have been conducted specifically observing the video game escapism phenomenon.

During periods of heightened psychological distress and escapism, the individual increases the amount of online activity, video game play-time, and gambling frequency (Jouhki, Savolainen, Sirola, & Oksanen, 2022). These three behaviors are specifically intriguing as they all provide forms of distraction.

Have you ever been to a casino? There are no windows, therefore, there is no sense of the passage of time. You are inundated by flashing lights, loud sounds, bright colors, and excitement. I once found myself with a drink in hand, sitting at a digital slot machine with interesting animations and upbeat music. It was a penny slot, but I won $20 on my first try. Next thing I knew, my friend and I had spent 5 fast hours playing slots, digital blackjack, and having the time of our lives. I ended up only losing $10 in the end. 

Casinos are intended to be a distracting environment that draws in the consumer and traps them for hours of endless stimulation. This is the same idea applied to video games, which are intended to provide hours of entertainment, something humans are constantly in search of. For example, small rodents do not require a television. While providing pet rodents with enrichment is undoubtedly very healthy for them, their enrichment simulates foraging, which is their biological purpose. Humans, now more than ever, rely on entertainment from every angle. It is especially difficult for those going through a psychological hardship to not stimulate their minds. Rather, it can be easier to avoid and escape the difficult and, often, intrusive thoughts. Psychological distress and a method to avoid dealing with such troubles creates the perfect storm within an emotionally unintelligent and unequipped teenage boy.

Eric spending hours building a new level in Doom was simply a way to ease the passage of time. Controlling and manipulating the environment may have provided a sense of control that was not otherwise found in everyday life. In addition to this, Eric understood Doom better than he was capable of understanding his emotions. 

To Eric, Doom symbolized something he was not: powerful, strong, and capable. In the basement tapes, Eric and Dylan explain their murderous motivations. Eric references his favorite game: “It’s gonna be like fucking Doom man; after the bombs explode.”

I often argue against the claim that video games were to blame for Eric’s violent behavior and plans despite this evidence. Longitudinal studies have proven that video games do not influence violent crime or behavior. After a 2-year study on Singapore youth, it was concluded that 27 hours of gameplay per day would be required to see any clinical effects or behavioral changes due to violent video games (Ferguson and Wang, 2019). In Eric’s own words, he was fighting himself to separate from his moral compass in order to follow through with the plan he and Dylan had been concocting. In order to do this, he began to think of their plan like it was another Doom level he was crafting. Video games may not be the direct cause of Eric’s violence, but I do believe he used them to justify his violence (to himself).

It was also during this time that the social internet was booming. WebChat Broadcasting System (WBS) and American Online (AOL) began the excitement of site hosting and chatrooms. Personal profiles encouraged a space for teenagers like Eric to freely share their thoughts and interests and connect with others on a scale that had not yet been seen before. Eric took an extremely strong liking to the new social sphere he’d discovered and created multiple AOL profiles and webpages.

Eric even created a webpage to host a series of “Jo Mamma” anti-jokes, crediting himself, Dylan, and Zack Heckler under their respective screen names Reb, VoDkA, and KiBBZ. One of the jokes on their site read: Jo mamma so fat she doesnt even look at the nutrition value tables on the food boxes she eats.....she just buys them and eats them.....cause shes fat...JJJEEYAAAAAA!!!!

Much like people today sharing private thoughts on Facebook or Twitter, Eric was sharing his private thoughts on his own websites. Ranging from “jo mamma” jokes to death threats, Eric didn’t hesitate over-sharing every thought he had on his personal blog. 

Online oversharing is an extremely new and modern communicative phenomenon. The scale at which humans are now able to communicate is unprecedented and, frankly, not something humans were ever equipped to be able to do. Eric’s internet presence feels like a primitive version of how a teenager today would dump their opinions and ideas onto Twitter.

On these blogs, Eric would share self-described “missions” in which he and Dylan would test homemade pipe bombs. He described lists of things he hated, desires to kill others, and people he hated. As we have already discussed, Eric would also make mention of Brooks Brown. 

Eric would also describe fantasizing breaking into Brooks’s home and urinating on him and his family members and would also, unprompted, share Brooks’s phone number in a “mission” post. Eric would share Brooks’s number online on multiple occasions:

…This mission was also liquor free as a result of this person named Brooks Brown (phone number) who tried to narc on us.

A reason he might have shared such tenacious things online was to seek the thrill of seeing what he could publicly get away with or attention from outsiders. Eric might have enjoyed attention from any angle, be it support for his ideals or shock. This attention, no matter where it came from, would still feed his ego. Eric wanted people to see and he didn’t care what they thought.

Studies have shown that individuals who post their own photos or private messages to personal blogs are attempting to construct their desired public identity (Jung, Song, & Vorderer, 2012). As Eric shared more and more deeply personal thoughts, he was further crafting the public Doom-esque image of himself he wanted others to see.

Eric also displayed a troubling tendency to overshare online. Have you ever scrolled on your social media timelines and found a post that was just unsettlingly personal and wondered, Why on Earth would anyone want to share that publicly? 

The tendency to overshare just stems from an overall need for attention. Social media provides a very easy way to continuously farm serotonin. Consistently sharing ideas and thoughts into a space where others can very easily validate them can almost serve as catharsis for a large amount of people. However, oversharing on social media has actually been discovered to have a direct association with anxiety issues, problematic social media use, and attention-seeking behaviors (Shabahang, Shim, Aruguete, & Zsila, 2022). 

I theorize that Eric was mainly searching for attention with each new entry he put forth onto the internet. This was a teenager who had been deprived of the right kinds of attention and would seek to push boundaries in order to get it. His posts were also indicative of his declining mental state. As his posts became darker and darker, it became clear that this was not only Eric’s outlet for gaining attention, but in some areas had evolved into his personal massacre planner. 

Read one of Eric's most troubling online posts here (pages 39 and 40)

What would prompt someone to write such horrible things? Why did Eric feel this way? Why did he claim to hate the world? What about his life left him and Dylan feeling like they “had no other choice?” I theorize that Eric projected his loneliness and lack of meaningful relationships onto the rest of the world. After all, how could any of this be his fault? In his mind, something must have been terribly wrong with him to be rejected by everyone.

Why was he so angry? Truly, we can see that Eric’s anger was displaced. I theorize that Eric blamed the world that felt like it had betrayed him so many times for his shortcomings. His self-esteem was incredibly low and he was poor at maintaining friendships. From time to time, he was targeted by bullies and felt like an outsider. Rejected children often react aggressively and underestimate how disliked they are by their peers. 

Numerous witness statements describe a distaste or distrust of Eric. One incident after another, people found Eric unapproachable. He kept mutual friends with Dylan, but it’s most likely he was more Dylan’s friend in the circle than he was anyone else’s.

TL;DR:

Playing Doom and creating .wads for the game was a form of escapism for Eric; he could create a world he was in control of

Escapism damages an individual's ability to solve emotional problems; it's not a relief, it's merely "putting off" the problem the individual must solve without teaching any healthy coping mechanisms

Eric was crafting an image of himself that he wanted others to perceive; someone who was strong, badass, in control, and took no names...all of which he did not truly think he was. Eric knew he was just an average teenage boy and he hated it

Eric needed attention from anyone he could find, whether or not those accolades be positive or negative. He was pushing his boundaries to see what he could get away with; to see what he could feel

I've been taking all of what I'm posting from a case study I wrote a while back. I keep forgetting to cite my sources since it's...you know...tumblr.

References:

Ferguson, C. J. & Wang, C. K. J. (2019). Aggressive video games are not a risk factor for future aggression in youth: A longitudinal stud. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 48. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10964-019-01069-0

Jouhki, H., Savolainen, I., Sirola, A., & Oksanen, A. (2022). Escapism and Excessive Online Behaviors: A Three-Wave Longitudinal Study in Finland during the COVID-19 Pandemic. Int J Environ Res Public Health, 19(19). doi: 10.3390/ijerph191912491.

Jung, Y., Song, H., & Vorderer, P. (2012). Why do people post and read personal messages in public? The motivation of using persona blogs and its effects on user's loneliness, belonging, and well-being. Computers in Human Behavior, 28(5). pp 1626-1633. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2012.04.001

Shabahang, R., Shim, H., Aruguete, M. A., & Zsila, A. (2022). Oversharing on Social Media: Anxiety, Attention-Seeking, and Social Media Addiction Predict the Breadth and Depth of Sharing. Psychological Reports. https://doi.org/10.1177/00332941221122861

#eric harris #dylan klebold #columbine #true crime #tcc #true crime community #psychology #i have a degree :-|

[fruitageoforanges]

thinking about how the greens are so conquerors-coded. obviously aegon ii has those parallels to aegon i, a terrible legacy and expectation of fire and blood, but helaena also has parallels with rhaenys as a queen who’s considered a softer counterpart to her husband and beloved by the smallfolk.

then there’s aemond. possibly the most visenya-coded targ since the woman herself. he has her dragon, her penchant for war crimes, her commitment to her duty, potentially also her black magic depending on what the truth of his relationship with alys is — but i think the way he’s most like visenya is in his relationship with his siblings, especially aegon. he really is aegon’s visenya — his sullen, sometimes disagreeable protector. his sword will always fall on aegon’s side. he saves him at rook’s rest, rules the country in his stead and doesn’t try to take it, eventually dies trying to secure his crown. say what you will about aegon and aemond’s relationship, i think at the heart of it he has visenya-like devotion and duty.

#hotd #greens <3 #aemond targaryen #aegon ii targaryen #f&b #side note: this might be the reason why i’m rabidly obsessed with aemond getting dark sister #it would be so fitting #in any au where aemond survives the gods eye i think he should get dark sister #it would be so thematically satisfying for him to get visenya’s sword #by doing what visenya did - fighting for her aegon to unreasonable degrees #and a key part of the visenya/aegon relationship is that it isn’t always pleasant #but the loyalty is always there #which i think is also true of aemond and aegon #they fight all the time #but aemond would kill and die for aegon without hesitation

[learnelle]

Day seventeen - a misconception about studying psychology is everyone who studies this wants to become a therapist. Like, no? I study psychology and all I want to become is a cute lil granny that lives in a pastel teapot cottage.

#also: A psych degree allows you to self-diagnose? Nope this is not true at all!! what a bad misconception #for example: You can have all of the symptoms of ADHD but still not have ADHD #tranquilfallbuddies #studyblr #cottagecore #light academia #dark academia #fairycore #gardencore #farmcore #bookblr #books & libraries #books and reading #booksbooksbooks

[tearlessrain]

once in a while I see a complaint about night vale that's specifically about like, its repetition of phrases and long rambling soliloquies and the way all the characters speak in a similar cadence and I'm always kind of surprised because that's one of the reasons I enjoy listening to it. the whole podcast has this very poetic/lyrical quality to it that's obviously not representative of how real people talk, but I don't think it was ever supposed to be. there's actually a Lot of literal poetry in night vale that gets overlooked when it's being talked about (quite a lot of the traffic reports are just outright free verse poems). the characters aren't necessarily all speaking with the same esoteric quirks because they're badly written, I've always felt they're doing it for the same reason all the characters in an opera are singing their lines and all the characters in a shakespeare play might speak in iambic meter.

which granted not everyone is going to like, and it's not to say the podcast doesn't have its flaws like everything else, but I feel like the people who complain about that aspect specifically seem to think the writers are unaware that they're doing it when it's actually a very deliberate style choice and if you approach it expecting that and not a realistic radio show with realistic dialogue and interactions, you'll have a much better time.

#to me it makes it very comfy to listen to #I like having it on in the background while I'm doing art and such #this is especially true of the early seasons where this quality was a lot stronger #over time the characters DID become more distinct and get their own voices to a degree #but it's also never not gonna be welcome to night vale yknow?

[drawnfamiliarfaces]

Finja x Chase angst? 👀

oh dude their whole "relationship" is basically messed up angst lol (despite me often portraying it as cracky angst)

I mean, we have some good angst in Chase pursuing First not because he 'loves/cares about' him, but because he selfishly desires him for his power/sees him as a challenge to get into his Fallen Warriors army. And First having to be constantly on alert against Chase, especially when he behaves like a charming honorable warrior, hiding that cunning manipulative side of him behind amused 'harmless' smiles. I would imagine its hard for First to not start to care about Chase (he can be very charming ;) ) to some degree, so there is like this delicious angst in starting to care about someone with whom morally you would never agree with. (very Prof. X vs Magneto vibe imho)

(this also could lead to some interesting spin-off angst opportunity about First being in the Fallen Warriors Army and just...existing in this weird limbo of being a target of Chase's favorable attention, but still essentially being a servant to his Master so thus really unable to trully care about/love this evil man but he still kinda cares after all these years and, like ooooooh baby thats some scrumptious angst possibility)

Or we can have some angst in form of First, being technically 'moved on'/left only in spirit in this world and Chase, still obsessing over him all these centuries, not even realizing that he is basically pining at this point. Showing up to bother current Ninjas, Ninjanomicon and Spirit of First at every opportunity, but not being able to actually be (in any capacity) with First, besides those very brief reunions. And First, throughout the years, while still being very annoyed about Chase's continuoes presence, also feels... incredibly saddened about this man to some degree. But he still can not falter, for his duty and successors still need him and they take priority, so this weird relationship just continues on.

And like OOOOH BABIES this is just scratching the surface of any possible angst, but these are the ones that are currently circling in my mind (i want to make some comics with these scenarious) so yeah! angst! ;D

#ninja showdown #my immortal soul #first ninja x chase young #rc9gn first ninja #first ninja #chase young #i dunno if it is obvious but i really headcanon that since Chase drunk the soup/sold his soul for immortality and power he is INCAPABLE of #true geniune unselfish sort of love. oh he can desire/want/care to some degree/ and certainly selfishly want to possess someone but love??? #nah fam. this dragon man lost that ability. he probably remembers how to tho. and sometimes that shows with some people. like Omi.or First; #and First in turn. while putting duty first (hah) could really start to care about Chase if exposed to him enough but there would be this #voice in his brain that constantly reminds him what Chase really is and how could he care about a monster like this when a similar monster #took his family away?haven't he dedicated his life to defeating monsters?what sort of honor will he have left if he starts to care for evil #gosh all these rants make me want to be a better writer so i could write a fic *cries* #but i shall try to make some comics. i haven't lied i have some ideas for all 3 scenarios i mentioned here >>>;D

[hualianisms]

camilikha on twitter posted with mtl the part of the TGCF Audio Drama production team's talk where they discussed hua cheng's character concept, and i love what the AD team said so i attempted a rough translation of the CN text:

"The core of Hua Cheng's character: Ultimate beauty, ultimate danger, ultimate devoutness The simultaneous contradiction and balance in his feelings: On one hand, he has a yearning desire that is blasphemous; on the other hand, he sees Xie Lian as sacred and inviolable, so he simultaneously possesses a devotee's sense of worship and sacrifice [1], and restraint [2]. His love is akin to a fire in the abyss; on the surface he approaches everything with effortless skill and ease, but in his heart he is always simultaneously suppressing and yet burning with fervour and zeal."

*translation notes:

[1] "献祭 worship and sacrifice" here refers to the religious act of a worshipper making sacrificial offerings to their god. the sacrifices offered to the god can be other people/things, or oneself.

[2] for the part about "restraint 禁欲", the CN phrase used refers to religious asceticism or abstinence (the AD team used many phrases with specifically religious connotations in this description of HC). however, "asceticism" felt to me like the wrong eng word for HC as he is not ascetic at all, nor is his devotion or love chaste. I struggled to find an eng word that fit here, but this is what the AD team was likely referring to (his abstinence during the centuries before he met XL):

(I think the AD team may also have been referring to how HC initially attempted to hold himself back early in Book 1/Arc 1 for fear of overwhelming XL at first (during the period before they started kissing and HC realized XL fully reciprocated his attraction and desire).

and just my thoughts but i love how the AD understood HC as character so well! i love how they highlighted how he is simultaneously the concept of the most faithful devotee, and the most ardent lover. whether it's his religious devotion or his romantic/sexual love for XL, it's intense & passionate to the highest degree

i also love how they described the juxtaposition btwn HC's effortlessly calm & competent exterior, vs the intense passion he holds within. i really love how well the AD understands his character and allows HC to be as layered, multi-faceted and gorgeously romantic as he's meant to be

#tgcf audio drama #hua cheng #hualian #tgcf #heaven official's blessing #the AD is my fav adaptation they rly understand the characters so well and are most true to the novel #i love how they highlighted how he is simultaneously the concept of the most faithful devotee + the most ardent lover #and how whether its his religious devotion or his romantic/sexual love for XL #it's intense & passionate to the highest degree #i also love how they described the juxtaposition btwn HC's effortlessly calm & competent exterior #vs the intense passion he holds within #i really love how well the AD understands his character and allows HC to be as layered #multi-faceted and gorgeously romantic as he's meant to be #my translation

[shallowseeker]

Dean is, on the whole, way more resilient when Cas is around. When Cas is near, Dean absorbs the hit a lot better. Whether that's Sam's death, Mary's world-hopping, or Jack's running away.

When Cas is there, Dean has hope. He calms down. The ground is more level beneath his feet.

#dean/cas stuff #dean/cas #the same is true to a lesser degree for sam like when he's in the hospital and cas shows up or when he turns to cas to heal jack #cas is so damn *reliable*-coded even when he's fucking everything up #you can see it when they delay grieving jack #the fact that cas fireman-carried jack's body meant there was irrational hope hanging on #when they make it to the crypt... sam and dean both turn to cas as if there's something he can still do #sam tries to fill cas's shoes after he dies - to carry on #dean just crumbles

[dollya-robinprotector]

Winter holds the gem up to the light. "Pretty," he says. "Similar to the ones they mine nearby." He frowns. "Except a different hue."

#genuinely speaking I didn't like Winter from the start #thinking he's dangerous #but #oh well #he's not the best teacher but his passion for history is true it seems #I'm this close to fund the lake project or take the ivory necklace for him myself #but the lil white ghost would be so very sad #so better not #sorry sensei #your museum gonna stay imperfect until the game allow me to break into Quinn's office and take the necklace back to that damn annoying ghos #otherwise he'll keep fuck me to death #not my cup of tea #so nope #winter the history teacher #dol pc #dollya art #degrees of lewdity

[alphabetcompletionist]

college student alpha beta charlie forced to stay up late on a school night because of the noise from the nearby home football game based on a true story woe upon them

ABCDEFGHI KLMNOP RSTU W YZ

22/26

#and per se and #they are pursuing a communications degree because while they were pressured to pick something 'marketable' for job prospect #they were not willing to totally forgo their passion for the english language #their roommate keeps calling them 'he' and treating them like a child due to their interests but mostly stays out of their hair #they've considered volunteering in the early childhood department for the better part of the term but never finds the time #but things get better right #none of this is actually true about me btw. except the football game. #alpha beta charlie

[shrikeseams]

The thing is, I love Maedhros/Fingon, but I don't require it to buy into a given characterization of Maedhros.

But if you're writing Maedhros and he doesn't have a weird, intense relationship with Himring, well. I'm just never going to quite buy your characterization.

#Tolkien #San shoots the breeze #And like I've said before #To some degree this is true of every elven (and peredhel) ruler and their seat of power! #But particularly so for maedhros #...when I said peredhel I was thinking of elrond. But. #Elros/Numenor itself??? 🤔

[fireis-catching]

Meowy Christmas 🎄

#pls excuse the sniffle mid video #mother nature decided it was going to be 60 degrees on Christmas day in OHIO and fucked my shit up #it was my job to annoy my family today #taking my true form as crazy cat lady #me #my face #selfie #merry christmas #happy holidays #personal

[cheerchime]

It is Easter and it is Trans Day of Visibility and I am with my grandparents, who are so loving, and my father, who is also loving but forgetful, and I transitioned years ago, and my dead name sucks the air from my lungs every time it's said, which is often.

It is usually a direct misnaming. And I gently say, "I go by Gordon these days, actually" in that friendly jokey way. And I am bearded, and low-voiced, and a woman in the hall called me a dapper young man. And my grandfather clarifies to my grandmother, trying to be kind, "She uses a different name now."

To my grandmother, I am sometimes her son. I am sometimes a friendly young stranger. Or, sometimes, I am the dead name, and she asks if I have a frog in my throat, and goodness, what a mustache! There's no shame in shaving, she assures me.

Sometimes, she asks where dead name is. Sometimes, she supposes I must be dead name's husband, though she never knew me to date men.

It's not fair of me to be hurt. They are old, and ill, and have always been so, so kind. They love their gay son, and they loved me as their gay granddaughter.

My father is a wonderful robot who loves the forest but doesn't see the trees. A fountain of love for humanity, but only a vague understanding of the individual humans. He cannot call me by my name, and I know I can't take it personally. It simply doesn't matter to him, and that is alright, because I know he loves the idea of me, and loves my queer world, even if he will never actually see me as me.

I am here, in my phone, reminding myself of my great fortune, the great love my family has shared with me. But I am also here aching to be known by the people who have meant the most to me.

In perfect moments, however, my grandparents do remember. And I am Gordon, and Gordon is loved, even though he was reborn in ways they don't fully understand.

Then it's gone, and I let them see whatever ghost they want to see, and I am an invisible grandson carrying the corpse of their granddaughter like a pallbearer, buckling under the weight of myself.

It was worth it, my rebirth, whether or not they see it.

It is Easter Sunday, and I saved my damn self.

#text #vent #trans #family stuff #it's been an extra tough one today #i know i am so so so lucky compared to so many #and to those who suffer under any degree of this sort of shit: #i am so sorry #and i see you #and so will the people who become your true and living family #you're allowed to leave your corpse to those who prefer to wallow in rot rather than rejoice in your bloom

[glitterslag]

girls with their gcse art coursework

#i adore him and his crazy wall i fear :/// #while marty was out partying he studied the blade #true detective #rust cohle #also why did gcse art teachers expect u to be putting absolute SHIFTS in #it's like... im fifteen and i also study other subjects #like why were we putting more time in doing our gcse art than we were during our masters degrees #true detective season 1 #anyways. uk banter innit

[ride-a-dromedary]

Alright, the jack in the box is wound, and the coherence is coming to me. Halsin and the dryad, I was talking about his response if the PC indicates that he is most comfortable after a supper large enough to induce hibernation:

"Mindless gorging...? No, that is not right. I did not realize you thought that of me."

And why this keeps catching in my mind is not necessarily what he says, but how he says it (so I am commending Dave Jones' voice acting here). The rest of Halsin's responses to incorrect answers are generally even toned and corrective; firm, usually, but not inherently overly emotional. Much like a teacher correcting a student. But this one...he sounds genuinely surprised and taken aback that the PC would even suggest that. The "no, that is not right" is even firmer on its heels. And the last part...the last part, his voice is smaller. Less forward. I would not go so far as to suggest hurt, but it is approaching that territory. It comes so fast after his firm no, that it almost sounds like something that slipped by accident. Like something that was meant to be muttered under the breath, but it slipped from him because the surprise was so organic.

Alone, it doesn't mean too much. It's a slight offense to an obviously nonfactual statement. And that's likely all it is. I'm about to read too deep into this, I am aware.

But combined with the other things spread throughout Halsin's dialogue, particularly the implication that he is otherwise used to people making commentary on his physical appearance or the physicality of his being, it suggests an extra layer of hurt. An extra layer of: "I did not expect this from you, of all people." Not quite a betrayal, but approaching one.

What makes it particularly catching, is that one of the things you are able to wrench (and I say wrench because getting Halsin to share mundane personal details about himself is a production - and it makes *sense* it's a production if a. We keep in mind that Halsin himself doesn't seem all too sure who he is beyond his preoccupation - which elves are prone to but Halsin also just has...a lot on his plate that have evidently stunted his identity formation - to the point where he even claims he was forgetting who he was, and b. If he is used to questions concerning himself and his experience leading into questions regarding his sex life or his physical activities, see: the companion banter with Wyll and Karlach, he likely...doesn't really keep ready details about himself personally on tap anymore. He's so unused to people being interested in Halsin, that he's taken aback when they are. It becomes the "In the moment, I forget everything and anything I like to do for fun" mentality - no one really cares about what I like to do anyway - if you will. He even goes so far as to joking that the PC may be a doppelganger because *why else would they want to know these things*) out of Halsin when you ask him about himself is that he has a sweet tooth. That he likes honey, and people find that amusing. He chuckles, but his face falls, evidently prepping for the PC to make a similar comment (and he attempts to beat you to the joke about that, though a PC can still call that "on the nose" to which he responds that there is little point in denying oneself if it doesn't hurt anybody - indulging isn't a bad thing). If the PC instead chooses that he should pay little attention to what others think, he gives that infamous: "sometimes I think people look at me and imagine my feelings can't be hurt" line. Which implies - regardless of whether he verbalizes it or not - things in this thread hurt his feelings. Comments or assumptions about his body and his person hurt his feelings. He won't say it, but they do. The PC is likely aware of this by this point in the relationship.

Halsin does not otherwise bring up eating or food to any level of significance or directness - the sweet tooth comment was the only time (you could assume outside of canon interactions that they've had other conversations between them and that perhaps this was brought up, but we are going to base this solely in what Halsin reveals in canon). He brings up hibernation, but specifically the sleeping part of it. Nothing else.

So, the PC then potentially goes ahead and makes an assumption of him during the dryad. How'd they arrive at this conclusion, as it obviously surprises Halsin that they did? It reads, very much, that the PC is making this assumption based on the comment about his sweet tooth, his comment on indulgence, and his physicality (note: the ha ha bear and hibernation thing almost seems like an afterthought - Halsin latches *very* quickly onto the "mindless gorging" part). All things that he has shown very evident discomfort (which is ironic because the question is when he feels most comfortable) or hesitance towards (he claims there is nothing wrong with indulgence, but never seems to indulge himself beyond sex, if that. Gee, what does that remind you of?)

Halsin entrusted this individual with this information, as frivolous as it was, potentially revealed that it hurts his feelings when people make assumptions of him, and this individual then went used that information and made the assuming connection: "So, this is a big man. He said he liked sugar, so he must like to eat and indulge. It must be his favourite thing to do because look at him." I am going to essentially ignore everything else I could have possibly heard, and make a bear hibernation joke that has nothing to do with sleeping being a comfort, but emphasize the eating part.

So, yeah, he's a little taken aback - incredulous, you might say. A little hurt. Resigned, almost. Because at that point, you can make a very logical assumption that Halsin came to a very quick snap realization that perhaps this person was not so different from the others as he thought. That it always eventually comes back to that. What else was he expecting? When has it ever been any different for him?

#BG3 Musing #Halsin Posting #does this make sense i don't think it does but it's like...jumping from a - z based on assumption and you know what they say about that #note: this isn't actually this deep i am just making it this deep - also yes i'm aware it probably means none of this #i have a degree in bullshit #but this is also why halsin should have had a legitimate bear like build of a body #i understand why he didn't - but this is *verbatim* what fat individuals receive as assumptions on their person #*all the time* that oh you must overindulge yourself you must eat a lot you must you MUST #and in that thread of thought of halsin's relationship with his body #there's also something to say when halsin says 'my ears are all yours...any part of me is yours should you wish it' #because he *begins* by offering his sympathy and understanding...but follows it up with 'but if i am more valuable to you in this way #then that's fine too - i'm used to that' #almost parallels (inadvertently) astarion's: #'i think i'll enjoy having halsin around not for his wit or wisdom he'll just make an excellent shield if we're attacked' #he's self aware #and in regards to how halsin sees his body as a separate entity - a. body dysmorphia and b. i don't think he truly does #halsin claims he sees his body as a vessel to serve nature and wrinkles his nose at vanity - but i feel there is enough old hurt in him #that this can never be true of him even is he so desperately wishes it was #does he have a level of confidence in himself? obviously he does - but it is marred - it's an exchange #there's always going to be that little voice in the back