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youunravelme · 11 months

Text

slowly, then all at once

author's note: i'm going through some shit and needed to alleviate it with fluff and also it's mat's birthday (or at least it was when i started this)! EDIT: this takes place in an alternative TATGYLB universe bc went an ENTIRELY different direction with this series (because i don't plan well lolol). (stole the title from the fault in our stars because that book had me in a CHOKEHOLD at 14)

pairing: mat barzal x reader

warnings: none? cursing?

summary: the stages of mat falling in love with you

mat saw how you were with ella, the way you'd smile and talk to her like she could hold a conversation. or the way you never chided him or condescended to him when he did something completely stupid.

which is more than what he could say about his teammates.

so when he heard your piece of shit boyfriend screaming at you over the phone? or when he showed up unannounced and trying to "win you back?"

mat was livid.

he was sure jason had never hit you, because if there was any indication of that, mat would be all over it.

so while he's sure jason never inflicted physical harm, he saw the way you kept to yourself and even the way you looked surprised at his invitation to lunch or the game.

it broke his heart a little, to think that you'd never once considered yourself now a part of his life. when, in fact, the second you agreed to watch ella, it was like he'd pulled you into the fold.

he was on a mission to prove it to you.

inviting you to his game was the first step in his original plan.

well.

it was the first non intimidating step. (tito mentioned that maybe meeting his mom and sister after only knowing him for like a week was not the smartest move he'd ever made.)

you still looked out of your element when he asked, but he's positive that it was his own enthusiasm that convinced you to say yes.

and he thought it was a great idea! he got you and jason tickets, thinking that maybe you'd be more comfortable with having him around. and perhaps that was true at some point, but when he saw you, standing with only ella and sydney with water lining your eyes, something in his chest twisted.

you looked shaken, like someone had stuck you in a blender.

"where's jason?" was apparently the wrong thing to ask because sydney changed the subject almost immediately.

you wouldn't even look at him.

and when you told him about your piece of shit boyfriend leaving you?

mat wasn't prepared for the burning in his chest. no one got away with treating a friend of his that way, but seeing as you just avoided the topic altogether, he dropped it.

until you went upstairs to your apartment and didn't text him. tito would say he has a habit of hovering at times and maybe he never really agreed until five minutes passed without a word from you.

if you asked, he would've denied the intense concern growing in his chest. but how else was he supposed to react when you seemed so dissociated the rest of the night?

thankfully, you picked up almost immediately.

"hello?"

mat cleared his throat. "hey, you never texted me to say you got in alright. you okay?”

now it could've only been a few seconds, but it felt like a lifetime before he heard your voice.

“keep the car running, i’ll be down in a few minutes.”

mat was ready to grab ella and head upstairs, car be damned.

he couldn't hear what else really happened on the phone, he only knew that you came downstairs, empty handed, and frazzled. the sight alone had him contemplating going into your apartment to figure out exactly what was going on, but he knew the best decision was take you back to his place.

he'd figured it out when jason showed up with his daughter's car seat screaming at you for wearing his clothes. screaming at you like you were somehow in the wrong, like he wasn't the one who cheated on you.

you.

who had to be the most selfless person he knew (don't tell his mom).

you.

who had readily agreed to take care of his daughter on a whim because he was insanely scared.

you.

who was one of the only topic of conversation his mother wanted to discuss. it used to just be hockey and how he was doing. now the thirty minute phone calls turned into hour and a half long facetimes where ella and you are regular topics for discussion.

mat couldn't comprehend how someone could look at you and want to tear you down, but after you officially broke up with jason? he was determined to show you how much you deserved.

exhibit a

"it's five sugars, right?" mat called over his shoulder once he heard your footsteps coming into the kitchen.

you paused in the doorway. "what?"

mat turned around, two mugs of coffee in his hands. "you like five sugars, right?"

ella sat on your hip but didn't seem to give a flying fuck that he was in front of her.

"you--you remembered?" you tilted your head. "you only made me coffee like once?"

mat's face heated up at the implication but smirked anyway. "i have a great memory!"

"could've surprised me from the amount of times you get hit."

mat shrugged, still not completely used to the idea of you watching his games, even if they were just highlights. he held the mug out to you in exchange for ella.

"you wanna come to a game again?" he offered.

you looked at him before breaking eye contact and sipping your coffee. "i don't know if that's the best idea after last time. i don't want to embarrass you again--"

"woah woah woah," mat sat his coffee mug on the island before holding a hand up at you. it didn't sit right with him to see you so ashamed of something someone else did. "what happened at the game was not your fault. it was his, okay? you weren't to blame."

"you weren't even there to see it--"

"and i don't need to, okay? i know you." he meant it. but seeing as the conversation was getting a little too heavy, he changed the subject. "just think about it! and let me know what game you want to go to."

you didn't say anything, but just gave him a small smile and nodded.

he'd count it as a win.

exhibit b

it'd been about four months since you'd started working with mat, three months since you moved in.

not that he was counting.

there were things that were harder with having you around. mainly remembering to wear a shirt when he wakes up in the morning, or to not adjust his junk until he was in the bathroom or his bedroom.

but--

there were many more things that were significantly easier (and better) with you in his life (and apartment).

sleep training ella was easy as hell

keeping an eye on ella who was walking now

the apartment actually smelled nice? not that it smelled bad before, but now it smelled like a home.

and who knew decorative pillows made a difference?

but his favorite thing recently?

grocery shopping.

he was currently pushing ella around in a shopping cart while you scrolled on your phone through the list.

"so what do we need next?" he asked.

"if you'd give me a second, i'd have the answer for you," you snipped.

by now, mat was used to your snide comments, knowing that you were just a bit quippy when you were focused.

"ella, is your nanny being a little cranky?" he joked, ignoring the glare you were shooting his way.

you rolled your eyes and tossed a bag of bread at his head that would've hit its mark had he not had the reflexes that gave him a professional hockey career.

"excuse me?" an older woman spoke up from behind him. "as cute as your little family is, can you move out of the way? you're clogging up the aisle."

mat blinked. time froze. he'd never fully considered the implications of the three of you out in public together. but being the comment of you, him, and ella being a "little family" had his heart stopping in his chest.

"oh of course!" you spoke up and grabbed mat by the arm. the feel of your touch alone had him directing his attention to the physical contact.

he looked at you instead of the woman, watched as you mumbled to ella as you pulled all three of you out of the way. his brain went on overdrive.

god he never wanted you to let go of him ever again. he would give anything to just be able to hold onto you a little longer.

and he must've been thinking for too long because you were snapping your fingers in front of his face?

"mat? you okay? did i lose you there?" you had a cute pinch between your brows and a small frown on your face.

that wouldn't do.

so he smiled and nodded. "sorry, just thinking about something."

you.

exhibit c

you went out for the night with sydney while he hung out with tito and anders. initially, you said you'd look for a sitter to cover you, but mat laughed that suggestion off.

he didn't say it, but you were no longer a nanny to him anymore. and you deserved a night off without the stress of finding a replacement. anders and marty suggested a babysitter that he hired for the night immediately.

"are you sure you don't want me to wait until she gets here? i can help explain ella's routine!" you said.

mat rolled his eyes as he herded you towards the door. "i'll be fine, go have fun!"

you let him gently push you out of the door but turned around and looked at him. "if you need me, text me."

mat smiled. "if you need me, call me."

the babysitter arrived five minutes early which meant mat could spend that time kissing ella's cheeks and reiterating her schedule to the sitter.

he was the last person at the bar, anders and tito were already sitting in a booth, each with a beer in their hands, an extra one on the table for him (he assumed).

"didn't wanna leave ella?" anders asked.

tito scoffed. "more like he didn't wanna leave mama bear." mat rolled his eyes while anders cackled in response.

"shut up, beau."

"ah! but you didn't deny it!"

mat shook his head and took a seat in the leather booth. "what's there to deny? we're roommates and she watches ella all the time. we're friends."

tito made a noise in the back of his throat. "you and i are friends, barzy. you make goo goo eyes at her when you think no one is looking."

"no i don't."

anders piped in. "you nearly ran into me on the ice because you were staring at her wearing your jersey."

"no," he defended. "ella was making a really cute face!"

anders blinked at him before rolling his eyes. "sure, barzy."

mat grumbled under his breath and chugged half his beer.

two hours or so had passed with the three of them talking shit about other teams. anders had hinted at leaving, checking his phone just to make sure grace didn't text him. mat found himself doing the same thing to make sure the babysitter hadn't said anything, or maybe to see if you had.

tito didn't seem to give two shits about his phone. and why would he? he was the only one without kids.

they were in the middle of a conversation about the upcoming devils game when mat's phone started buzzing.

sydney martin.

mat picked up the phone, albeit a bit confused. "hello?"

"mat! hey!" sydney greeted. "are you busy?"

mat glanced at tito and anders whose brows were furrowed. "no, why what's up?" his swore his heart stopped in his chest when she said your name. "is she okay? what's wrong?"

"she's a little drunk and crying and asking for you. i don't know if you're sober enough--"

"i'm sober," he said. "only had one beer." he was already reaching for his keys in his pocket. "what's she crying about?"

sydney sighed through the phone. "we saw jason and her old roommate out at the bar tonight. he made a few comments."

mat's jaw clenched. he forced words out through his teeth. "what did he say?"

"mat--"

"no, if he said some shit, sydney, i need to know."

"no," she corrected. "what you need to do is get over here and take her home."

mat was already standing. "i'm on my way."

sydney hung up.

"everything okay?" anders asked.

"probably something to do with mama bear," tito commented.

mat sighed. "she ran into her piece of shit ex and is now inconsolable. i have to go pick her up."

anders snorted. "right. 'have to.'"

mat ignored the comment and said goodbye, already rushing out of the bar to get to you.

it was another ten minutes before he saw you, standing outside a bar with sydney. he could see your tears from the car.

mat jumped out and hurried towards you. sydney all but pushed you into his arms.

and it felt like the world made sense again. you fit perfectly in his arms, against his chest, head tucked into his neck.

"mat--" you sobbed. "i--i can't--"

he kissed the top of your head. "let's get you home, okay?"

exhibit d

ella was saying actual words now like most babies her age. mat used to look at anders, marty, and other parents a little judgmentally, he'll admit, because while babies learning to do things was incredibly cool, he didn't fully understand the hype.

until she said dada for the first time.

it damn near made him cry.

and like for all of her other milestones, you were there beside him with your phone recording the moment. you almost missed it, but you had a sixth sense for those things, figuring out when ella was going to do something incredible.

that was two weeks ago and it still never got old to hear her say his name when he came home or rounded the corner.

he'd been known as mathew, mat, barzy, barzal, gary, and a slew of other names, but dada had to be his favorite. to belong to someone who needed you so wholly was the best feeling in the world.

that and seeing you smile at him.

he'd accepted it now, there was no denying it, not after half the team was on his case about his feelings for you. and how could he not fall in love with you? you were gentle and kind and handled the shittiest situations with so much grace (he wasn't joking, he'd wanted to fight jason the second you came out of your old apartment looking like you'd seen a ghost).

you handled his friends with ease, never letting tito's teasing affect you. you handled the "mama bear" nickname with ease, even laughing at it at times.

you just made his world so much better just by existing in it.

which is why he gave you the day off while he and tito took ella around the city.

ella was fine for most of the day, though she kept glancing around.

"probably looking for mama bear," tito guessed. "i would be too if you were the one looking after me."

mat flipped him off behind ella's back. "i'm not an idiot."

"before you met mama bear, you kinda were."

he rolled his eyes. "sorry for not knowing how to take care of a baby as soon as i find out i have one. most people have nine months to prepare for the arrival of a child. ella literally showed up on my doorstep."

truth be told, he was parroting the words you'd said to him a week ago when the guilt settled in about how much of a shitty father he was. you were quick to correct him, saying the exact things he told tito, that for a man who found out he had a child only a few months ago, he was doing a great job, and he was even better than some other fathers who left the parenting to their partner.

"i'd never leave you hanging like that," he'd said to you.

but you shrugged off his comment. "it's a little different when it's my job to take care of your kid, mat."

"you've done a great job, barzy," beau said, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "there's no doubt about it. you can tell because she loves you."

ella smiled at mat and pushed his cheeks together.

"what do you say we get back to mama bear, huh?" he asked his daughter who only seemed to smile wider at the mention your nickname.

it was another fifteen minutes before they were home, rowdy and disturbing the peace and quiet you'd created for yourself.

"we're back!" mat called as tito shut the front door behind him.

they were setting things down on the floor by the door when you walked out in sweats.

"mama bear!” tito cheered.

you smiled and mat couldn't breathe. "how was my baby?"

mat was embarrassed to say he almost answered for himself. "she was great," was what he said instead. "isn't that right, ella bean?"

ella was reaching for you, making grabby hands in your general direction babbling something he couldn't quite make out.

"what'd you say, baby?" you asked.

"mama," she said.

and the room went silent.

mat's eyes kept darting from ella to you like he was watching a game of olympic table tennis. ella kept reaching for you until you finally gave in and held her. it was then he saw the tears streaming down your cheeks.

mat immediately went into defense mode.

"i'm sorry, i promise i didn't teach her intentionally, she probably picked it up from us calling you mama bear all the time and--"

you shut him up by placing a small kiss on his cheek and squeezing his forearm before turning on your heel.

"let's take a nap, ella bean."

mat couldn't speak, not even when you left the room. tito clapped him on the shoulder before heading towards the kitchen.

"you're so gone for her."

exhibit e

"are you sure about this?" you called from the other room. mat was in the living room adjusting his tie in the mirror on the wall while the babysitter was playing with ella on the floor.

to be honest, when he was complaining to beau about not having a date to some charity event the islanders were hosting, he wasn't expecting beau to suggest you. though, given how beau kept winking and nudging him after every time you and mat so much as made eye contact, it shouldn't have been surprising.

it wasn't that he didn't think of asking you, it was more like he didn't think you'd actually say yes.

"sure about what?" he called back.

"bringing me."

"i've never been more sure about something in awhile."

"you're so dramatic," you laughed.

mat would give anything to bottle up the sound.

"does this look okay?' mat turned when your voice sounded closer than it was a second ago.

he couldn't breathe.

god you looked beautiful.

"oh," you said softly. "your tie matches my dress."

if he could've he would've looked down to confirm your observation, but he couldn't take his eyes off you. your hair was perfectly styled, your makeup, flawless. the navy of your dress was perfectly matched to his tie and pocket square, something that shouldn't matter as much to him as it did.

but it was you.

so it meant the world.

you looked like you were his.

"yeah," was all he could say.

"you never answered my question," you said. "do i look okay? because if it's too much--"

"perfect," he said. "you look perfect."

you smiled. "sydney picked it out." thank you sydney. "you look handsome too mat, though, your tie..." you gestured to his neck so he turned around to see it crooked still. "do you need help?"

"yes please," he sighed. "i've looked up videos, but tito usually helps me do it."

"aw," you cooed. "you looked it up? that's so cute!" your deft fingers began undoing the knot and redoing it way better than he could've.

"how are you so good at this?"

you shrugged. "when i was fourteen, i read a book where a girl tied her husband's tie and i wanted to be able to do the same for the love of my life one day. so i asked my dad to teach me. i'm a bit of a hopeless romantic."

the love of your life.

god he'd give anything to be loved by you.

and it would be so easy just to lean forward a couple of inches and kiss you.

right there.

give in to what he'd been feeling for months.

but the babysitter rounded the corner with ella who was chanting mama and dada which somehow ruined the mood and made him want to kiss you even more.

"be good, sweet girl. we'll see you tomorrow." you made your way to the front door while he kissed his daughter on the head.

"i'm not sure how long we'll be out, but i'll keep you updated," he told the babysitter.

the babysitter nodded, which to be honest, he barely noticed because his attention was back on you and how your dress, while it had sleeves, had a dip in the back. he didn't know that skin could be so alluring, but maybe it was the fact that it was you.

mat cleared his throat and bid the babysitter and ella goodbye before ushering the both of you out of the door.

the drive lasted longer than he wanted it to, mainly because he couldn't wait to get to the event just to show you off.

was this how he was supposed to feel with all of his other exes? the desire to show the world you were his?

"you okay? you're quiet, it's unlike you," you said.

mat shrugged, mainly so he didn't immediately profess his feelings. "just a lot on my mind."

"uh oh. that can't be good," you joked. you leaned over the console and placed your chin in your hand. "you wanna talk about it?"

mat's hands on the wheel tensed, mainly to keep himself from leaning over and kissing you immediately.

"i'm good, maybe we can discuss it later."

you shrugged. "if you say so."

the both of you arrived at the event shortly thereafter with mat passing his keys off to the valet. "stay seated," he told you before getting out and rounding the car to open your door.

"you didn't have to--"

"i know," he smiled. "i wanted to." mat offered you his arm and you took it, wrapping your hand around his bicep like it belonged there.

the two of you spotted marty and sydney first; the latter all but shrieked when she saw you.

"you look amazing!" she said before tugging you out of mat's arm and into her own. "i told you this dress was the one."

"you didn't say i would've matched mat," you mumbled, though he still heard it over the buzz in the room. he was always listening to you.

marty nudged him. "you seem pleased with yourself."

mat smiled. "i am."

you were laughing at something sydney said when tito came up and clapped him and marty on the shoulders. "let's get you a drink, barzy. you look thirsty." he leaned in. "in more than one way."

mat shoved him off and leaned towards you, gently touching your arm. "i'm going with beau and marty to get a drink, but i'll be back."

you smiled and nodded. "okay, don't worry about me, mat. i'll be fine in your absence."

he let himself be whisked away from you and towards the bar where a drink was placed in his hand pretty quickly.

"so," tito started. "you two match."

"it was syd's doing," marty explained. "she orchestrated the whole thing. picked out the dress based on the tie mat wears every year. it was her new project."

mat flushed but did his best to brush it off.

"i don't know how you did it barzy," tito continued. "she looks good. if i were you i would've--"

"watch it, beauvillier."

"i was gonna say--"

"i don't care what you were gonna say, i probably wouldn't have liked it."

"well then, maybe you should take a chance and ask her out finally. the pining was cute at first, now it's bordering on pathetic."

mat rolled his eyes while marty laughed into his drink.

"look, you have a good thing going, you brought her here as your date, ella calls her mama, you two are as good as locked in and committed. you just have to do the hard work of officially asking her out!"

his gaze travelled to the other side of the room where you were laughing along with sydney and grace. you looked like you belonged in his world.

effortlessly.

mat made a move to go over to you, but marty caught his arm. "this is not the place to ask her out," he said. "as much as you want to, you don't want her thinking it took a pretty dress to get you to take her out."

"that's not the case here--"

"does she know that?"

mat rolled his eyes and took a sip of his drink.

it was another thirty minutes before he made his way back to you. he found you standing alone on the balcony with a glass of champagne in your hand.

"you okay?" he asked. "no one's bothering you or anything, right?"

you looked over your shoulder and snorted. "i'm not important enough to be bothered by the donors, mat."

"don't say that. you're important."

you rolled your eyes. "not what i meant, mathew."

god he loved it when you said his name.

"i just meant that the donors don't really pay attention to me, so i've just been hanging out with the wives all night since my date ditched me," you teased.

"okay to be fair, tito pulled me away, i would've stayed with you all night if i could've."

you blinked. "really?" you asked in a small voice.

he nodded until he found the words to speak. "i love spending time with you. you're one of my favorite people."

within a split second you were closing the distance between the two of you and wrapping your arms around his waist. your arms snuck under his coat so that the only thing separating your skin from his was the thin material of his dress shirt.

it only took him a split second to react to the hug and wrap you in his arms.

you mumbled against his chest. "you're one of my favorite people, too."

in conclusion:

in the end, there was nothing special about that day. it was a saturday in the middle of july back in coquitlam. by the grace of god, he'd convinced you to come to canada for him, not that you could really refuse as he was the one signing your paychecks, you'd joked (though he made it clear he'd continue paying you even if you didn't go).

and maybe he regretted it a little bit, seeing you bond with his family was another nail in his coffin of falling deeper in love with you. there was no way out now, not that he'd ever want one.

it was one particularly hot day in the summer that mat dragged you and the rest of his family to the beach. and maybe that was a mistake (seeing you in a red bikini in public should be illegal).

you sat in the sand with ella building castles, or at least attempting to, while he tried to drown liana in the water. it wasn't until liana finally dunked him, that he trudged back to shore, bent out of shape and irritated.

"you can dish it out but can't take it?" you teased as he plopped onto the sand next to you.

mat glared instead of saying anything mainly because ella was starting to pick up more and more words and she'd say "fuck" too many times thanks to his mouth.

speaking of, when she saw her dad, ella immediately called him before throwing herself into his lap, completely forgetting about you. it was funny to see mainly because it was a new trend of ella's, ditching you for him. it was even funnier because how put out you'd be about it.

just like now with your lip poked out and your eyes rolling.

"oh don't be a sore loser," mat said. "she used to love you more than me."

"well that makes sense, i'm way more likable than you are."

"i can't argue that."

liana came running into their direct line of sight with a polaroid camera in her hand. "i wanna get a picture of the happy family," she said as her explanation. "say cheese!"

mat froze but you didn't bat an eyelash at the idea of being called family. sure, he'd considered you a part of his ever since you agreed to watch his child, but he didn't know you felt the same.

"smile, mathew," you nudged him in the ribs.

he turned his head towards you, ignoring his sister's groans and chirps. he ignored the sound of a camera clicking and the subsequent flash that followed.

his focus was on you.

"mat, what're you looking at?" you asked. he could vaguely register liana walking away as your eyes searched his face for any hint of what could be going on, but all he could think about was you.

you wearing his jersey and holding ella at the stanley cup finals.

you in a few years with a ring on your left hand that he put there.

you with a newborn baby that was the perfect mix of the both of you.

you, old and crinkly, holding his hand on the couch as you told your grandkids stories.

you.

before he could even stop himself, he leaned forward and captured your lips with his.

you responded not a beat later.

and maybe it was embarrassing, how eager he was or how his hand felt like the perfect fit against your cheek. but he couldn't give a shit.

not when he'd waited so long for something like this. for someone like this.

and when you both pulled away, much too soon in his opinion, your eyes were wide.

"why'd you do that?" you whispered.

he shrugged and adjusted ella in his arms. "because my life is better with you in it. because i love you." he cleared his throat. "why'd you kiss me back?"

you smiled and leaned into kiss him again. this time though, instead of pulling fully away, you stayed close so that your lips brushed his. "because i love you too."

#mat barzal #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #tatgylb #mat barzal imagine #mat barzal x reader #my writing

935 notes · View notes

maddy-ferguson · 5 months

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women will literally accuse women and esp lesbian circles of "not unpacking ""man-hating""" alleged ""misandry" sweetie xo" getting offended ppl aren't appropriately uplifting how "men are amazing and awesome and attractive and i won't be shamed for thinking so" as if appreciating men is a real counter opinion than blame whatever gave women of every sexuality instance to be jaded weary cautious and tired and who'll complain every now and then and continue on with her life until she dies putting up with patriarchy. just welcome to the "woke" internet where misogyny's over and "man-hate" "shamed for not hating men" is worth springing to defences for

yeah i've only seen people talk like men's rights activists and think they're being unbelievably progressive on tumblr it's kind of fascinating. like i can see how seeing people hate on men could mess with people and stuff but you can't demand men appreciation posts that's literally the whole world outside of idk your tumblr dash (or even on your tumblr dash because fandom misogyny from people who think they're not misogynistic at all is really something). men get praised for "babysitting" their own kids like be serious? it's very let men be masculine

i don't think being like men are soooo gross and we hate them is actually constructive and it can definitely veer into transphobia (you'll always be a man/"a male" and thus a danger to women/why would you ever want to become a man they're the enemy and the bane of society etc) and homophobia relatively quickly?

but the way people ON TUMBLR ""combat that"" is often so off to me like if the most basic feminist principles offend you then i'm not really sure where to go from here. i remember seeing a post that was like "men aren't your enemy. they're your friend/brother/father/colleague/neighbor" with a lot of notes and like i don't know how to tell you this but that's literally who's most likely to harm a woman, the men she knows?😭 and obviously not every system of oppression is exactly the same but would you say the same thing to someone criticizing white people like...just very weird

i think women who are attracted to men and dating them making jokes about how they only tolerate being attracted to men because they have no choice and especially the whole i'm bi so i love every woman and only find 1 in a 1000 men attractive (very often said while in a relationship with a man) thing is obnoxious and annoying for like everyone who has to hear it lmao but also when women who date men make jokes about it (not about them being ugly or unattractive or whatever but about them being bad partners in general) it's like. what else are they going to do like you said they're gonna endure patriarchy for the rest of their lives and as girlfriends/wives/mothers they go through the most it's very bleak? idk. it's not like you can date a better man yourself out of patriarchy

of course men aren't a all as bad as the worst guy you can imagine and they're not all out to get you or whatever but saying things like "men don't all benefit from the patriarchy rich men benefit from the patriarchy but jake, 23, is not oppressing you" is like. kind of insane. jake, 14, was oppressing me like have you never interacted with boys in school😭 and it's not like it was entirely their fault we all have to outgrow misogyny it's just you know society etc but some of them never outgrow it lmao and just...the takes you see on feminism on tumblr are astounding i hate it here

#and like i do think that young guys who feel bad about themselves only having people who make them feel worse and who actively make them #worse like incels and idk youtube algorithms to turn to is a problem but like. again it's the same thing as white people who feel bad about #being white to me in a way like are women and GIRLS supposed to coddle them and say it's gonna be okay you're great even when they're #like actually harming them by being misogynistic to them? that's already what they're taught to do always #the notes on that male loneliness epidemic post i reblogged a few weeks ago still haunt me like OH MY GOD #and if you think misogyny isn't as prevalent anymore you're very naive. and probably misogynistic yourself #i'm not even sure young men being more feminist is true (well it's probably true when you compare it to like the 50s) but even #when men ARE like yeah women shouldn't have to do everything i can help with chores (the use of the word help is already a red flag lmao)#when you look at what they actually do they still do way less like i don't have links because these are tags on a tumblr ask but i read #somewhere that men think chores are 50/50 when they're only doing like 30% of the work? like it just seems hopeless #sometimes i'm happy and then i think about the mental load #sorry for not uplifting men 24/7 you can just hang out on the steve harrington tag or something there's actually a lot of people doing that #when someone said um does the ronance fandom not seem terfy to you...because of a post that was like can the lesbian ship ronance #be about the lesbian ship ronance not about steve A MAN #like you can't make this up #i meant it when i said the average tumblr user would benefit from being exposed to more misogyny like i swear they forget it's even a thing #like obviously they wouldn't BENEFIT from it lmao but their posts wouldn't be as dumb and that would benefit me🙏#ask

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pretty-chaotic-world · 6 months

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if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining.

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

#bpd #bpd awareness #personality disorder #borderline personality disorder #mental illness #mental health #mental instability

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annabellelupin · 10 months

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I know I like just said a few days ago I was going to step back from controversial posts for a bit but something has kind of came to my attention I'd like to address

I'm going to start of with the fact that this is not a hate post so don't get all pissed off at me for this. I'm fine with people expressing there opinions maturely but if you're just going to argue like a child I will delete the replies/reblogs and block you if needed, I don't want to deal with the drama and arguing.

Sometimes I really think people forget Barty Crouch Jr played a very big role in Goblet of Fire.

He locked a man in a trunk for weeks, turned a 14 year old into a ferret (yes he totally deserved it but the man still didn't deserve to get traumatized), is one of the main reasons Cedric died (he created the portkey-), he showed kids unforgivable curses which definitely was a bit traumatic for some of them (and seemed to trigger some ptsd for Neville), helped torture Alice and Frank Longbottom (two very wonderful people) to insanity and caused Neville so much pain by doing so.

Apparently people are defending him because his dad kind of sucked. I'd like to politely point out his mother loved him so much that she traded places with him so he could get out of Azkaban. And what does he do? Oh right, he goes right back to his old ways. I mean you'd figure most reasonable people would take that as a second chance and a reason to change, but nope not him.

... And yet people defend him and push aside the fact he's done some pretty bad things. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for redemption arcs and such, but what redeemable qualities has this man ever showed? and yes I get that he wasn't always a wizard nazi, but it's mentioned in the seventh books that a group of people who become such were doing really terrible things around Hogwarts, and one harmed Mary pretty badly. Just imagine what he did to people during his time at Hogwarts. People don't become evil over night. And unlike a lot of the des out there, he didn't have an entire family supporting Voldemorts actions that drove him to do it, he did it on his own accord.

now, before anyone goes "Oh that never happened!" or "He'd never do that!" he's some proof:

I'm not even going to bother finding the parts where he scars kids for life just because he can. I think this speaks for itself.

and someone pointed out that yes, his dad was a fucking bastard but most characterss had terrible families. I can name so many other characters that went through a lot and didn't do things like this over it. the man even had the audacity to lie about doing a lot of it. yes he was young then, but even years upon years later he made no effort to change for the better. I can almost guarantee that if he would've genuinely changed, Crouch sr would not have done half of this stuff. Like do you really think most parents would willingly do that to their children? he knew if he didn't then they'd both end up getting in trouble (not saying he should've done it, just that he didn't do it for nothing, his own reputation aside he was probably worried his son would end up hurting people again).

I really don't understand how people can defend and love this character...

but whatever. idc. i dont like him but if you do then it's whatever. I'm not going to be directly rude to you if I don't like the same characters or ships as you so don't go thinking this is me being rude to people who do like him, that's not the case. I'm just explaining my thoughts on the subject.

#barty crouch jr #barty crouch junior #harrypotter #harry potter #harry potter marauders #the marauders era

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madamlaydebug · 8 months

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✔️Random thoughts going into the last quarter of 2023 1.

It’s not demons you are fighting it’s your karma you are reaping 2. Some folks are good at fronting especially for IG- not everything you see is the truth ( they fronting for some body to buy some BS) 3. Narcissist’s love to make you feel you the other person is the problem they will never take the blame 4. Narcissists will have you fighting another person while they created that whole scenario to take the spot light off them 5. Some folks minds is a jail 6. Some folks situations they are in could feel like a jail and they have the option to break free but they need to learn how to free themselves from narcissist 7. Always look at the motives when someone is doing something with - people can do good gestures on the surface but have a ulterior motive behind it 8. Some of you are fighting for love or fighting for someone you love - why are you always fighting - love comes easy with someone that is genuine - you don’t need to always be fighting to keep things going 9. If you are constantly fighting to be in someone’s life after they keep dogging you out - you are in a manipulative cycle - you are their puppet 10. A person can pit two individuals against each other while they are the enemy but it might take some time to catch that light 11. Not everyone drowning you need to save - some will pull you down and save them selves while you were helping them 12. Some toxic cycles will do more harm and damage than good ( breaking free will only set you free ) no matter what you think people will say 13. If you lost everything ( EVERYTHING) over someone and you still taking L’s with them - it’s no longer love it’s insanity ! 14. Not everyone is your life is a destiny helper some are destiny destroyers - don’t let your love from them block you from seeing who should stay and who should go 15. Not everyone who speaks of God knows him - Judas sat next to Jesus and betrayed him - some of these same people will betray you too while talking about Jesus 16. Imagine someone talking about GOD yet robbing folks

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queenvreads · 10 months

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REVIEW: Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

*Contains Spoilers *

I am going to be VERY generous—no, EXTREMELY generous (because I waited on a waitlist for this book and paid $31 for it)—and give this book 2.75 stars/5. The premise of the book is actually good, but the execution falls short. AND I must emphasize that if this book hadn't been so hyped up, I might have enjoyed it more. But because of all the hype, I had high expectations, and unfortunately, it didn't meet them.

Let's begin my rant.

Violet studied her whole life to be a scribe, but her mom decides that she should become a dragon rider instead. The majority of the cadets at this brutal academy are conscripted, meaning they don't have enough soldiers in the military and need to draft these kids. However, these kids are just left for dead during the trials, and tragically, every moment and every day someone dies. They can even kill each other, with a few exceptions based on the Codex rules.

In the beginning of the book, 60-something kids died on the parapet. What is the point of that? It would have made more sense if the losers of the trials were assigned different roles like scribes, cooks, or healers instead of being killed.

Furthermore, all the kids of the separatists are conscripted into the military. Why would you give kids of traitors with strong vendettas access to secrets and military information? But even worse, they are given dragons. Doesn't anyone see a problem with this? It's not a very smart military strategy. (But what do I know!)

The world-building and dialogue in the book were very corny and cringe-worthy. There were instances of strange dialogue early on that stood out. For example, on page 9, Violet & Mira are talking about Violet's situation. It's bad—she's literally going to a death academy. They have this super weird conversation about a rider who can make small things very big. "I roll my eyes." "I mean how much bigger?" I don't know... like... that's what comes to mind when you're panicked for your life in this high-stress situation? Soooo cringe. Then they go on to talk about sex lives... like, seriously? I think Violet needs to focus on a different topic today 🤣

Another example is on page 14 when Mira warns Violet about Xaden. Instead of a natural conversation, Violet starts info-dumping facts about Xaden's father. "That Xaden Riorson?" and then Violet starts saying the facts about who Xaden's father is. "His father was the Great Betrayer. He led the rebellion." Who talks like that? Imagine you're talking to someone about your friend ABC, and then that person says, "Oh ABC, they grew up in a small town and have 4 dogs." Yes, that's the one.

This pattern of cringe dialogue continues throughout the book. While I understand the appeal of providing details to the reader, the descriptions were too literal and lacked subtlety.

Another example when Xaden and Violet meet, they say "Sorengail?" "You're General Sorrengail's youngest!" "You're Fen Riorson's son!" DUH 😵😵 Oh my God, pull my teeth out.

Let's move on to Violet. (O.M.G. I could not stand this nickname.)

She is tiny, frail, and weakly built. YOU CANNOT FORGET THIS, BECAUSE IT'S REPEATED THROUGHOUT THE BOOK. My main issue with her is that she knowingly puts herself in a dangerous situation where death is almost guaranteed, yet she acts SO STUPID. 🤯🤠😵

I fail to understand why Xaden keeps praising her intelligence when her actions don't reflect it. WHAT'S SO SMART ABOUT HER? If she were smart, she would have let Dain take her away.

For example, the moment she shares one of her good boots with Rhiannon, who, at that moment, could have been a Jack 2.0, I knew she was dumb. She consistently comes across as lacking common sense.

Another moment... when she protected Andarna before they bonded. I'd want to protect an innocent creature as well from being killed, but the fact that she puts herself in harm's way, to protect a DRAGON when she's outnumbered like that, is insane.

And how on earth does she get 2 dragons? Of course, her dragon is mated with Xaden's. At least it's not mated faes...

There was a part when Jack challenged her. She didn't want Liam to tell Xaden, yet during the fight, she has a thought about how she needs to survive for Xaden's safety. IT MAKES NO SENSE. She could have told him, and he would have stopped it!

Next up, I had no connection to her and Xaden romantically. Of course, he's this misunderstood villain who actually has morals. Violet is scared for her life, and Xaden has a reason to kill her, yet she fantasizes about how good-looking he is. SCORCHING HOT. OH MY GOSH. PLEASE. NO. What is this vocabulary they use in this book?? The constant reminder that her body is reacting to him, he's so.fucking.hot, that her self-preservation is out the door. AND LET'S NOT EVEN TALK ABOUT THE SEX SCENES. Oh, my goodness, the dirty talk was so CRINGE. Ok, let's move on, I can't talk about it.

Moving on.... There is a point that Violet, VIOLET.. finds out about Xaden's secret gatherings. (When she is in the tree) she then promises him secrecy. Why? It makes no sense. She thinks he's going to murder her. She overhears him talk, and she's like, "Oh, he's not so bad, that's good advice he's telling his potential rebellion gang." Like what? Then the escalation from "ok, I'll keep your secret" to "ok, are you going to kill me or what?" Does she have A.D.D.??

Everything about her interactions is useless. ANOTHER EXAMPLE. She bonds with 2 dragons, they are deliberating about the laws, and when they announce her as "girl," in her mind she corrects them with "woman!" And it's like.. ok so people are trying to kill you, you are injured, you are experiencing trauma, and that's where the line in your mind is crossed? Everything about her makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

Dain starts as being sweet and quickly becomes overbearing. He's condescending and whiny. They keep saying they are each other's best friends, but are they? REALLY? He puts policy before her. ALTHOUGH, he is the only one smart enough to attempt to get her out of the academy. It's like Tamlin and Rhys all over again, only much much worse.

Lastly, as much as I love dragons, them being telepathic with their riders ruined the grandeur and mystique of them for me. Big, great, ominous, strong dragons having sarcastic banter with an insecure Violet didn't work. It still doesn't make sense how she was thrown into this situation and is just accepting it. And actually choosing to stay.

The ending was good, the last line definitely something I will think about. Do I care to know what happens next? It really depends on whether this author will clean up her writing style and mature these characters.

I am never falling for TIKTOK hype ever again. 🤯... maybe thats a lie, but I will be WEARY!

✍️Befriend me on Goodreads: ⭐HERE⭐

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radio-to-trenchcoat-demons · 4 months

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um...a vent under cut....

tw drug mention tw self harm tw trauma tw rape

ive most likely mentioned this before...or ive forgotten...like i always fucking do. but im pissed off about something.

it may seem selfish of me....even a bit ignorant or greedy....but ive always wondered why i never developed DID. i know its not very enjoyable. i know what happens to people with it, how they get it, why its horrible.

but ive wondered why i never had it. why i couldnt have it. ive wanted so many times not to physically be somewhere, to just, be gone and let something else or someone deal with that pain. and im not saying this in a way where id use it for some stupid cliche personal gain.

im saying it in a way i wish i could escape situations i shouldnt have seen. to not see my birth mum pumping herself with drugs of all sorts and land ourselves in a ravine to be saved by paramedics. to avoid every beating from my father when i was 'misbehaving' and not being the proper child he couldnt raise. to have someone there instead of me just talking to myself when my dad left me at home alone for days or even a week at a time just so he could fucking make a buck.

so i dont have to remember being raped by some kids of my dads girlfriend because i always have to be preyed upon, weak, im always being used for the wrong reasons.

i wanted something to be there, in the back of my mind, to talk to me, to ease that pain. and i know i dont cut as much as others do, but i have harmed myself, burned myself, and then i get pissed at the scars like there's something i can do.

im breaking and im broken, but its not enough. i just fucking recently discovered that my father was lying to me for years about my mums death, that she never passed in jail. she hung herself, and it hurts because if my dad wasnt the jackass he is i could have had a mum with me by my side. for all the years i had to deal with his shitty whores for girlfriends, them countlessly trying to be what they couldnt even try to be, fucking broke me.

but i didnt cry.....i didnt shutdown.....i dont want to do this anymore. i dont wanna be able to smile and feign happiness. i dont wanna be able to repsond to the questions and are you okays as if the questions will heal the deep scars i hold.

and i cant just fucking up and tell my 'therapist' because the most she thinks i deal with is whos fighting at lunch or whos breaking up with who in the shitty friendgroup where i only have 3 actual mates out of 14 who fucking give a shit about me.

if i told her anything i fret she'd send me to the madhouse because the occassional time i fuck up and slip and tell her how i truly am fucked on the inside she looks at me like im harmfull, like she doesnt know what to do with me.

and its that fucking look, when people see who truly mad and insane i am, that makes me want to rip the skin from my limbs, tear the flesh from my bones because im truly ashamed to be myself. i hate myself.

i just wish things could fucking be different.

#vent #tw rape #tw drug mention #tw self harm #tw trauma

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yourtoradorasextendedwarranty · 1 year

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“Hey Kid, Don’t Tell Your Parents.”

Got your attention yet? This website, along with sites like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Reddit, are a danger to kids. A lot of people may go, “I used social media when I was young and I’m fine” and sure. Maybe you are fine. But in a world so torn to shreds and divided by insane people, predators, zealots, and moral absolutists, there’s a much bigger threat now.

Fact of the matter is, as of just recently there has been a trend of radicals saying, “Hey kid don’t tell your parents about this, they would not understand.” And while we know that phrase is normally reserved for predators, it’s also reserved for groomers. Or in this case people who are telling your kids that if they are not happy in SOME way, they are trans. Why prompted this? What else but this:

This to be stacked on top of a recent video that proves CHILDREN are being fast tracked into transitioning. Which can be shown here. And is being done to SMALL children. Who are NOT getting mental health help. They are just being pushed through the Big Pharma pipeline. And congrats for everyone pushing that. You’ve created a class of people who will forever have to live off Pharma companies, and Surgeons.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CrOyphmA6eN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

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And in the video you clearly see people are being harmed by this. Children who are NOT EVEN OLD ENOUGH to understand the consequences of sex, are being taken advantage of, having their bodies pumped full of hormones and having body parts cut off. HOW THE FUCK are they old enough to make that choice if they are not old enough to consent. AND DON’T TELL ME that shit is different because it’s not. YOU just need it to be different because that way you can make more people like you.

OH. And before someone comes to me and says, “Oh well you can’t convince a person that isn’t trans to be trans”. TELL THAT to the thousands of detransitioner. We are sterilizing and mutilating KIDS! Many of whom will forever be dealing with mental health issues BECAUSE of the whole situation as well as probably body dysmorphia. And it’s because of people like you.

If you see this and you are under 18 and you believe you are trans. Let me give you some advice. If a person ever tells you, to NOT seek mental health help. Or they tell you not to tell your parents about something.......Assume the person you are talking to is a predator. Because 9.9/10 times, they will be. And contrary to the false studies you see. We don’t actually have YEARS of data backing up that transitioning helps people. Because prior to now, it wasn’t really a big enough thing to DO research on.

More than that. Imagine if you thought you were a chicken when you were 8. And your parents had your arms cut off to affirm your identity. It’s the same thing. And lastly. Hormone blockers are NOT reversible. Any amount of puberty you miss while taking hormone blockers? Does not just come back. When you miss it, you miss it. And if you take blockers for years, and come mid-late 20′s you want kids? You might not even have the ABILITY to have them.

If you are a guy and take blockers as a kid and end up with a micro penis. YOU BETTER PRAY you find a woman that loves you for you. Because sex likely won’t even be an option. Also girls. No. You breasts will NOT grow back. And there have been stories of 14 y/o girls having their breasts cut off, regretting it, then asking if they will grow back. No. They won’t

And before anyone says anything, NO. This isn’t an anti trans rant.

This is a rant against radical activists, who’s only goal is the transition of as many people as humanly possible even if they are not trans. And that should scare you. Because these people are now the reason we see fast tracking. How many people have to be scarred by you, and or kill themselves because they were not trans and wanted an escape? HOW MANY BODIES are you fine with?

Because I can bet, if we brought back all the people whom activists claim took their lives after “Not being affirmed enough” the problem would have been that they were depressed, not trans, and the transition only made things worse. How many kids and teens have to die until it’s enough?

We need to put a stop to this. Laws need to be put into place barring kids from being put on hormones. Laws need to also be put into place saying that you need 2 years of mandatory mental health help before surgery is even allowed. Why? Because this is a mental health epidemic. And it needs to be handled PROPERLY by mental health professionals. (Oh and any of the ones that have signed off on fast tracking? And ones that are caught doing so in the future? Revoke their creds, and throw them in jail.)

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chaostheatre · 8 months

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Apologies in advance if this rehashes any other posts here, it isn't an unpopular stance to have.

Now, I'm not someone to gatekeep. If anything, the trailer coming from such a big company, despite mine and many others feelings of it, will no doubly bring in new fans. Like in my case, it might spark older fans to come back into the space. That's not an issue.

I have a tiktok account, I use it a couple times a week. Tiktok sucks. Now, since the trailer was released I've been seeing tons of fans on there making edits and talking in comments. They're all teens, and speaking as someone who was aroune 10-12 when I first got sfarted reading the comics..your brain is stupid. Not to be one of those fans, but the story is a lot more than it seems. Unreliable narration, morally grey characters ect. I'm not saying you can't read between the lines at that age, but I've seen so many bad takes already and I just know once the show releases there's gonna be a flood of this stuff and I do not wanna see it happen. It'll be popular on there for like a week ans then immediately people are gonna call it toxic and problematic and it'll be "cancelled".

It's already begun and it's insufferable already. But aside from that, hope you're doing well today.

Ennui

like two days ago I saw a 14 year old publicly commenting that non-binary trans people are ruining the community and making cis people hate us so yeah. I literally think you should not be allowed to have social media until 16 at the earliest. this is a view I hold for multiple reasons but in this context, right up until you're about 18-19 (and for some people it happens even later) your only goal is to socially get by. a part of that manifests in a desire to "fit in" and be liked, which drives impressionable teens to jump on trends and shared mentalities- especially harmful ones that make them feel better about themselves.

etc etc. I don't wanna sound like a 50 year old twitter conservative but stuff like cancel culture is INCREDIBLY harmful when people take it from calling out people in power who continuously harm others to calling out random people or pieces of media that are vaguely problematic. that is not to say that random people can't be harmful, but I mean this morality pissing contest is insane. suddenly everything is problematic, everything is bad. kinks are bad. supporting sex work is bad. surgery is bad. and all this shit. it's been a daily occurrence seeing people call media that deals with heavy subjects problematic. even when that thing is pointed out as being wrong by the narrative. even when it's addressed and fixed! like we need nuance back! where'd nuance go!

*syndrome incredibles voice* and when everything is problematic, nothing will be.

but I will play the devil's advocate for one second and say that the books and the movie never really seemed to address how weird it was for scott to be dating a high schooler? like it was talked about a bit in the beginning and then everyone just kind of ignored it after that?? when I was 17 I dated someone two years older than me and it fucked me up so bad I'm still in therapy. like where'd that plot go. why was the "casual sex!" thing supposed to be funny. hellooooo

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whentommymetalfie · 2 years

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Home to you -chapter 29

-Interlude -Ada-

Prologue//1//2//3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24/25/26/27/28

Pairing: Tommy/Alfie

Summary: Bad news reach Arrow House. Ada takes steps to deal with the situation.

Warnings: suicidal ideation, discussions of past attempted suicide, neglect, ptsd, injury, aftermath of forced hospitalization and medical malpractice, hallucinations, disordered eating, harmful views of suicide

Wordcount: 3,5 K

Ada had hoped that the next time she saw her brother, the circumstances wouldn’t be quite as dire as the last. Yet here they are, gathered in one of Arrow House’s many living rooms in tense silence.

Tommy is in one of the armchairs, curled into a small ball. The way she’s gotten used to seeing him now, always making himself smaller than he already is, as if he wished every piece of furniture, every surface, would swallow him. He’s done a good job of it, nearly disappearing. So thin and fragile that Ada’s heart still clenches with fresh pain each time she sees him. The clothes he’s wearing seem to drown him, a worn flannel shirt and wool trousers she suspects must be Solomons. She hopes for Solomons sake that he’s offered Tommy some proper clothes, and that he’s chosen to wear these. She’ll need to have a word with Solomons about that, when opportunity arises. Though right now that’s of course the least of their many problems.

Solomons himself is poised by the armchair, half sat on the armrest next to Tommy’s crutches, one of his hands absentmindedly stroking the side of Tommy’s neck. Lizzie is opposite in an armchair of her own, smoking, as always. Ada doesn’t have enough peace to be sat down. She needs to keep moving or she’ll go insane. And she wishes Tommy wouldn’t be here, that he wouldn’t have to carry this on his shoulders. But Solomons made it very clear that he wanted to be present. Though she’s quite sure that’s because Tommy doesn’t want to be left alone. Even now, he’s leaned against the armrest where Alfie is sat, one hand clenched into the fabric of his sleeve, the other picking at the hot water bottle Solomons has gotten him.

“How could this happen?” she asks, sharper than she intended and Tommy flinches, making Solomons hand stop in its tracks to squeeze lightly around his jaw. It appears to instantly soothe him. She tries to soften her tone as she goes on, “I thought you had things under control. Or at the very least had him properly fucking locked up.”

“He was properly fucking locked up,” Alfie says, voice a low grumble. “He must’ve had help from someone, obviously. Seeing as the only of my men who could tell us are either dead or laid up in hospital, that’s all we know right now. But I’ve got people looking into it. And I think I at least deserve some fucking credit for not instantly assuming someone here had something to do with it. I’d like to think we’ve at least established that much trust between us.”

He looks between her and Lizzie. Ada nods and makes another round across the carpet. She longs for another drink. Which is concerning. There have probably been far too many of those, these past few months, and now more than ever her head needs to be clear.

“And what do we do now?” Lizzie asks.

“Well, first of all I’m getting Tommy home,” Alfie says and squeezes Tommy’s shoulder. Tommy himself only gazes listlessly at the carpet. “He’ll be safer in Margate. I’ll come back and stay in Birmingham stay until we’ve tracked him down”

“Is that really a good idea?” Ada asks. “Michael found you there once. He might know where your house is. You don’t know if it’s safe.”

“Believe me, that house will be more closely guarded than Buckingham fucking palace,” Alfie promises. ”Just have to make a few calls first.”

To Ada’s surprise, Lizzie nods in agreement, but her own throat grows tight with worry at the mere thought of Tommy so far away, without the watchful eye of the family. Then again she can see how that may be the best option: they’ve admittedly failed quite spectacularly at protecting him thus far.

But Tommy shakes his head, tugging at Alfie’s sleeve. Solomons’ attention turns to him and his gaze softens. And it’s that look that, despite Ada’s misgivings, tells her this man is willing to move fucking mountains for her brother.

“You’ll feel better at home, love,” he says. “Esther will be there. Yeah? She’ll look after you.”

Tommy shakes his head again. “No.”

“I’ll be there the second we’ve got this mess sorted. It’ll only take a few days-“

Tommy leans his forehead against Alfie’s side, knuckles whitening. “Not without you.”

Alfie cradles the back of his head and runs his thumb gently down the side of it, over the ridges of the scar.

“It’s your decision to make, love. I’d never force you to go anywhere.”

“You’ll lose almost a day if you’re going to travel to Margate and back again,” Ada points out, “So staying might be the best option for now. And I think we should speak to Polly. Michael might go to her.”

“You’re not telling her about any of this. She doesn’t deserve to know,” Lizzie says icily. “Not after-“ she glances in Tommy’s direction. Tommy holds the hot water bottle tighter to his belly, picking at the rubber.

“Think she might have something to do with this?” Alfie asks and rubs the back of Tommy’s other hand, still attached to his sleeve.

“No,” Ada says. “No, no she wouldn’t-“

But does she really know that?

There was a time when she’d say Polly wouldn’t do anything that would put Tommy in harm’s way, but that was long ago. A rift was created between the pair even before that awful night when everything fell apart. The final blow was Polly refusing to come see Tommy afterwards. Even when Ada begged her to put petty differences aside, when they were certain he would slip away completely. Perhaps only had days, hours left. But her pleas fell on deaf ears. And could she really blame her aunt, when she herself stopped visiting only to spare herself the pain? She couldn’t then, but now when she’s sworn to make up for the cowardly mistake, she realises she’s just as angry with Polly as she is with herself.

“But she doesn’t know about any of this,” Lizzie says, pulling her from her thoughts. “If she found out Michael was missing, and-“

“All the more reason to go to her,” Ada interrupts. “She needs to know what he did. Because if he’s gone to her, whatever story he’s telling her won’t be the truth.”

Ada leaves it at that because her brother’s face has gone ashen.

There’s a sharp knock, and Tommy flinches at the sound, huddling closer to Alfie who lays a large hand on his shoulder and squeezes reassuringly. Ada, being on her feet already, goes to crack the door open, just enough to see her older brother’s haggard face.

“I told you to wait in the other room,” she hisses as she herds Arthur back into the hallway and out of Tommy’s field of vision before he can see him. Thankfully she can’t smell any whiskey on him. Small mercies.

“I want to help,” Arthur says.

“You’ve done quite enough of that.”

The door opens behind them and Solomons is standing in the opening, eyes hard as he stares Arthur down. Arthur stares back, his jaw tight.

“I want that bastard dead just as much as you do,” Arthur tells them. “And I know the men he’s got around him. And who we’d still have on our side, if they found out what he did.”

“You can’t fucking be here,” Alfie hisses. “Tommy doesn’t need any of this. He’s barely recovered from your last bloody visit.”

“If Tommy doesn’t want me here, I’ll leave. But I want to hear it from him.”

“You’re in no position to ask for anything from him. Honestly, mate, just seeing you might be enough to make him spiral.”

“We have to ask,” Ada says before Arthur can open his mouth and earn himself a broken nose. “We shouldn’t make decisions for him.”

Alfie lets out a grunt, but turns on his heal and leaves the door open behind him. Ada goes back inside, and Arthur follows. Tommy is watching the door, blue eyes wide and frightened. Lizzie glares daggers at Arthur but says nothing.

Arthur takes a step forward, but stops when Alfie moves to block his path. Hands falling to his sides, Arthur desperately tries to catch Tommy’s gaze. “Tommy, I-“

“It’s fine,” Tommy whispers. “Stay.”

After a hesitant look in Tommy’s direction, Alfie leans closer to Arthur and hisses, “If you put as much as a fucking toe out of line I’m throwing your scrawny arse out the bloody window. You get that?”

Arthur clenches his jaw tightly, but nods. As Alfie resumes his position by Tommy’s armchair, Ada stares sharply at her older brother, hoping it’s enough to remind him of the long discussion that preceded him getting to come along at all.

Evidently it helps because Arthur stays civil -or at the very least mostly silent- throughout the rest of the conversation, allowing her and Alfie to do most of the talking as they decide upon their next course of action. And once the most urgent matters have been tended to, Alfie suddenly states that Tommy needs to rest and sweeps him out of the room. And he does look tired, eyes glassy under low lashes and his slight frame folding against Alfie as he gently ushers him towards the door. It’s concerning that Ada didn’t notice until just now.

Excusing herself to go and make a few calls, Lizzie leaves moments later, and Ada is alone with Arthur. They sit in silence for a long time.

“You need to talk to Tommy and apologise,” she says, finally. Arthur fidgets and stares longingly at the whiskey.

“I know.”

Ada moves the bottle farther away.

“There’s no going back to normal, Arthur,” she reminds him. “We have to accept the fact that Tommy will never be how he used to be. All we can hope is that he’ll be safe, maybe even happy at some point. And that’ll have to be enough.” This is a talk they’ve already had. But possibly the first time he’s sober enough to actually listen. “He’s not a child, even if you may see him like that. He’s still capable of making decisions. And you have to let him.”

“But we don’t know that,” Arthur argues, but he just sounds tired. “What the hell do we know about the state of his head and what he is and isn’t capable of? He can’t fend for himself. And he’s completely dependent on that man.”

“If you weren’t so bull headed you’d see how much Alfie cares for him. He’s already done more than we ever did.”

Arthur grunts and stares at his hands. She sighs.

“Right now, I’m not asking you to understand any of this. I’m just asking you to make things right with Tommy. Because what you did the other night, was fucking unacceptable. And if you don’t get your shit together you’re going to lose him altogether.”

“I don’t think he wants to talk to me right now,” Arthur mutters, rubbing the back of his neck. Ada squeezes his shoulder.

“You’ll have to give him some more time. We’re doing things on his schedule now.”

Arthur nods, head hanging. Ada pats his back.

“But, you can come with me to Birmingham. Rally the forces while I speak to Polly. The best we can do for him is make sure Michael pays for what he’s done.”

And at that, her older brother finally perks up.

…

Ada drives to Polly that same evening with Arthur by her side in the car.

“Meet you at the Garrison in an hour,” she says outside the car. He’s sober, still. But she’s not allowing him to speak to Polly. She knows his limits. And they go their separate ways.

Ada steels herself and knocks on the door to her aunt’s town house. There was a time when the door would always be open to her. Those days are long gone.

Polly opens, a twitch to her brow the only sign of her surprise, and steps aside as Ada walks past her.

“To what do I owe the rare pleasure?” she asks.

Deciding there’s no way she can do this without at least one drink, Ada moves on to the living room without answering. It looks as she remembers it, but it feels like entering a stranger’s home. The fireplace is lit to chase away the evening chill, leaving the room full of dancing shadows. She switches on one of the lamps beside the sofa, pours herself a whiskey and offers one to Polly who accepts it without a word.

“Have you seen Michael around?” she asks and seats herself on the sofa.

Polly’s eyebrow quirks. “It seems my son is too busy to even come by his own house,” she says, taking a seat across from Ada in the armchair. “His wife was here a few days ago, asking about him as well.”

Naïve as it might’ve been, Ada had hoped she’d know at once if her aunt is telling the truth. She takes a long swig of whiskey.

“Tommy is back,” she says. Thinks she sees the smallest twitch to Polly’s brow, but save for that she might’ve as well have told her it was raining outside.

“So, he decided to come back from his impromptu little vacation,” she says as she takes her cigarette case from the end table. “Typical. Leaving all of you in a state without a word and then showing up when it suits him.”

Ada tries to focus on the burn of whiskey in her throat. Polly lights a cigarette and reaches the case to her but she declines, afraid her hands will shake.

“Surprisingly, Michael is the one who found him. And decided to have him committed to Winson Green asylum. Without telling anyone.”

And for once, Polly’s face falls. She hopes the surprise is genuine. There might even be a twinge of worry there, but perhaps she only sees what she wishes she would. It only lasts for a fraction of a second before her face is calm once more.

“Where has he been, then, all these months?”

“Safe. With someone who took care of him.”

“Was that someone a woman?” Polly sneers.

“No. And it doesn’t matter who it was.” Ada sets her glass down with a loud click. “But what I do know is that Michael found out and took him. Causing immense fucking harm in the process. It’s a miracle we could find him, and I’m sure you’re not interested in the details, but they got him out in the nick of time because he was virtually on the brink of death. He’s still in a bad way.

Polly shakes her head. “Michael wouldn’t do something like that unprovoked. My guess is Tommy’s been lying low. Perhaps he made some ill-conceived play to take back the company and Michael found out”

Now, Ada simply stares at her, in utter disbelief.

“I don’t know how you still don’t understand,” she begins when she finally regains her ability to speak. “He’s gone. Every part of him that could’ve possibly done something like that disappeared the second he decided to put that gun to his head.”

Before that even. But they all failed to notice.

Polly scoffs, blowing a cloud of smoke across the room. “I can’t believe you’re all falling for that act. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Look at you, already doing his bidding.”

“You would know if you’d gone to see him even once that it’s no fucking act,” Ada says. “The fact that you’d say that is beyond me. He’s a broken fucking shell. And from what I understand, he was finally doing a bit better. After months. But Michael’s stunt ruined all of that and more.”

“How do you know any of this? Is all you have Tommy’s word? Because you know it’s worthless.”

“How about Lizzie’s word? Or Arthur’s? Would you believe them?” Ada spits. “And not that you care, but Tommy barely says a word these days. Spent the first fucking week after that asylum completely mute.”

Polly sip of her whiskey and calmly says, “I think you should leave, Ada. I haven’t seen Michael.”

Ada gets to her feet and towers above her aunt.

“I know this is all a fucking façade you’re putting up,” she says. “I have to believe that. Maybe because it’d be too painful to see what’s become of him. But I know that you love him. At least you did once. If you ever did, and if you ever loved me, you’d listen.”

Polly empties her glass slowly, allowing silence to fill the room as she watches the fireplace. The glowing embers do nothing to chase away the icy cold that seems to have enveloped the room. All Ada can hear is the sound of her own blood pulsing behind her temples. Finally, Polly stands and looks her in the eye.

“Tommy brought this upon himself,” she says. “That he finally has to bear the consequences of his actions is not my fucking problem. You tell him that. See for how long he can keep up this act of being a helpless victim in need of rescuing.”

Ada steadies herself as to not reel backwards. Images flashes before her eyes, of Tommy shying away from her touch, terrified. Huddling closer to the one person he perceives as safe. So small and fragile that a bad touch could break him. So fucking detached from the man the cruel years had turned him into, and yet as though someone has simply peeled away the outer layers of him and revealed the shattered pieces that have always been beneath a thin veneer of control. That she failed to see before it was far too late. If Polly knew, she wouldn’t say these things. She has to believe that.

Because it’d be too painful to admit that her aunt has turned into someone she can’t recognize.

“I’m not going to tell him about any this,” she says once she finally believes her voice will hold “Because it would kill him. But I want you to know this: in that asylum, they kept him in a straitjacket. In a windowless, padded room. In the dark. All alone. They drugged and beat him. And Michael planned to leave him there to rot. Because in his mind, he was still a fucking threat to the position he’s unfairly taken.” She watches Polly. Searches for any sign of a crack in the icy mask. Finding none. “It completely fucking broke whatever was left of him, and I have no idea if he’ll ever even begin to recover. Your son saw to that. That is true, whether you believe me or not.”

When all she’s met with is stony silence, Ada brushes past her aunt and storms out of the house, wiping away angry tears as she slams the door behind her.

…

When Ada gets back to Arrow house later that evening, Arthur in tow, she goes to search out Solomons. Arthur reluctantly agrees to stay behind in the kitchen and eat a late dinner. Better to have him out of the way.

Approaching the guest room, she’s instantly on edge when she notes the lack of henchman outside of it, and her suspicions are confirmed when she knocks, opens the room and finds it empty. Her heart is in her throat for all of one minute until she finds Frances, who as always knows the comings and goings of everyone in the house.

“Mister Solomons is on the phone, in the parlor downstairs,” she tells her.

“And Tommy’s with him?”

“It’s rare to see them apart, miss,” France’s says with a gentle smile.

Upstairs, she does indeed find Ishmael, poised outside of the door. Faint mumbling comes from the other side.

“Good evening, Miss Thorne,” he says and gives her a nod, but makes no move to get out of the way.

“Would you please tell Solomons I’d like a word with him,” Ada says. “Because I’m assuming you’ve been instructed not to let anyone pass?”

Standing rooted on the spot in confirmation, Ishmael raps on the door, and the mumbling cuts off. Ada’s fingers drum against her upper arms as she listens uneven steps approach, accompanied by the tap of a cane. She’s clearly been upgraded in priority, seeing as he’s willing to hang up the phone for her. Though Solomons is wearing his usual gruff expression on his scarred face as he opens the door, brow low and furrowed. Over his shoulder, she gets a glimpse of Tommy, appearing to be asleep in one of the armchairs, tucked under several blankets. Solomons dismisses Ishmael with only a jerk of the head, steps out, and closes the door with uncharacteristic gentleness.

“Michael hasn’t gone to Polly,” Ada says, not bothering with any pleasantries. Alfie scratches his beard, new creases forming between his brows.

“She say that, eh?”

“Yes. And I believe her. I’d say her surprise concerning Tommy was genuine. But the rest was… disappointing to say the least.”

Alfie rubs the bridge of his nose and looks as if a stubborn headache is coming on.

“Esther’s on her way here,” he says, adding before she can ask, “My housekeeper. Sent a car for her earlier today. Tommy feels safe with her, right, so I’m hoping that if she’s here, she can convince him to come back to Margate with her.”

“I don’t like the idea of him being there on his own,” Ada admits and Alfie hums.

“Neither do I. But I like the idea of him staying here even less. Would give me some peace of mind, knowing he’s somewhere he feels safe.”

“You could stay with me instead,” she hears herself offering. “If it’d help. I’ve got a house, not far away. Used to live full time in London but I felt I was needed here.”

Too bad she realized it far too late.

Alfie tilts his head and watches her with that uncannily intense gaze. Ada might’ve faced many dangerous men, but something about it makes her squirm, though be it internally. Outwardly she simply cocks an eyebrow.

“Tommy doesn’t take well to new places,” Alfie says. And by God if those eyes don’t go soft just at the mention of her brother’s name. “But I suppose it’s an option, if he still doesn’t want to go home. Fewer ghosts perhaps.”

“Does he still see… things that aren’t there?”

“What did she say then, your aunt?” Alfie says, ignoring her question.

“Nothing I’d like to repeat,” she admits. And feels ashamed. She’s ashamed that her aunt would think so callously of Tommy. But to Alfie she says, “She loves Tommy. I know she does. And I know she refused to visit because it was easier to hold onto her anger rather than facing his suffering, and it’s made her fucking blind. But she’ll come around.”

The warmth has left Solomons’ eyes.

“We don’t tell Tommy about this,” he says. “It’ll just upset him. He cares far too much about what you lot think about him. So trust me on this, yeah?”

Ada snorts at that, but admittedly Alfie is right. She itches for a cigarette.

“Just so we’re clear here, I don’t know if I do trust you, Solomons,” she says. “But I’ve decided to, because Tommy clearly does. But I swear, if you do anything to hurt him-“

“Let me guess, you’ll give me the standard Peaky Blinders treatment, eh? What’s that, cutting off various body parts and feeding them to a carnivorous horse you’ve got stashed away somewhere?”

“I know one particular body part that would be high up on that list.”

“Well, don’t you worry, miss Thorne. I won’t be giving you a reason to take such drastic measures. I’d like all my limbs in general to stay secured to my person, and that part in particular. Happen to be pretty attached to that. Me and your brother both.”

Ada ignores the infuriating grin on his face and the implications that she’d rather avoid thinking about.

“Do you love my brother?” she asks instead.

For once, Solomons looks caught off guard, and she feels almost triumphant when colour rises to his cheeks under the beard.

“You have some fucking nerve,” he grunts. “That’s not the kind of question you just go around asking men about other men. Especially men of my standing-“

“Well do you? Because Tommy deserves to be with someone who loves him. No matter how broken he is.”

“I’m going to forget you ever asked me,” Alfie says. “Because it’s none of your fucking business. Now if you excuse me I’m going to finish this call and get Tommy to bed.”

He closes the door in her face.

#tommy x alfie #peaky blinders fanfic #breathe again verse #home to you

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dailyaudiobiblechronological · 1 year

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11/14/2022 DAB Chronological Transcription

Matthew 28, Mark 16

Welcome to the Daily Audio Chronological. I'm China. Today is the 14th day of November, welcome. So great to be here with you today. I hope you are having a great day and a great start to your week. It is it's always good to be back reading the word of the Lord to you and with you. Today, we are continuing in our story, and we are in the Book of Matthew, chapter 28, and the Book of Mark with chapter 16. And this week we are in the New International Version.

Commentary

So today we have a very short reading. And this is what we call Resurrection Sunday. This is that we celebrate the good news that Jesus did exactly what he said that he was going to do. He died and he rose three days later. And there's not so much detail from today, but there's I feel like a lot that happens. Imagine going to, like our culture, in American culture, there's tombs and tombstones. And if you were going to a grave site, you would maybe bring like, flowers or an arrangement maybe that you're replacing the flowers. Could you imagine going and the tombstone being like, the tomb?Sorry, what is the gravestone? Imagine that being gone. And you're like what? I'm here to bring them flowers. Wait a second. I was just here. And now this is gone, and someone dressed in white, I think signifying here, that this is an angel, is telling you, hey, I know who you're looking for. They're not here anymore. They've risen, and they've given me instructions to tell you where to go and see them. That would be insane. Insane. And it's not just that this was someone. This was Jesus. Jesus had told them what was going to happen, and nothing like this had ever happened before. So it definitely required a level of faith that wasn't quite there yet. And this is the good news. This is the good news of the story that Jesus did not stay dead, that he is exactly who he says he is. And he goes and reveals Himself to the disciples and says that there are some who doubt. I just want to pause there because that truly blows my mind. I get the whole thing of, like, you're following this guy around for three years. You are really becoming accompanied to him. The only time that really people are talking about dying is like, hey, man, are you okay? So let's go see someone. Let's go talk to somebody about this. Right? It's typically some warnings. Those are red flags. But Jesus is saying something that isn't of concern, that he's going to harm himself, but more so of like, I was sent here to do the will of my Father. This is what's going to happen. Anytime that there's like, Lord, no Jesus, no. There's a rebuking of that saying, this must happen. And so Jesus speaks of his death. He goes through a gruesome death he's betrayed, he's left alone. Everyone is gone. And then there's two full day. Well, there's 1 long full day, right? Because we have what we know is Good Friday. Jesus is alive part of the day, and then he's dead, right? Day one. Day two, I believe is called Silent Saturday. I don't know if I'm making that up. Maybe it's a thing or not. So that's like the full day, like absolute no Jesus. And then Sunday, resurrection Sunday, he is alive. So I could imagine the grief, the shock that happens Friday and then waking up Saturday and hoping that it's a dream and it's not a dream. And you're kind of going throughout your whole day and you're feeling anticipation in your body for, well, maybe he is coming back tomorrow or maybe I should, this is part of grief where you just have to accept it. Maybe I was just a really crazy dude, all the things that I'm sure they were feeling. And then Sunday happens and you're told to go and wait for him and you're there, you see him and you doubt it. Like, that part for me is like time out. Like what? We go through all of these things and like, yes, I can understand that there's empathy there, truly, I can empathize as much as I possibly can. But then seeing him, I'm not sure how different he would have looked, not sure that he would have aged or like reverse aged. And we don't read it today in today's scriptures or translation, and I'm not sure that we will. We might. But really what it takes for some is to put their hands through the holes of Jesus'hands and feet. And that's where I'm like, okay, it takes different things for people to accept it, just as there may be things for us that take maybe we would be the ones that are like, let me see your hands and your feet. I also see your side. But what a crazy thing. That's the only word I have for it. What an extravagant three days.

Prayer

Jesus, I thank you so much for your life. I thank you that you were born in such a miraculous, perfect, holy, sacred way and you lived a perfect life. You died a gruesome death and you did exactly what you said you were going to do. And I thank you that you weren't just some legend. You weren't some really cool guy or some guy that made people better. That you are the Son of God. You are the Son of God. And we believe that. We hold that as highest truth. This is what we base our whole life and foundation and faith on. And so I just thank You, Jesus, that you were willing even the real, honest prayer of Lord God. Father, if this cup could pass for me and let it, but if not, I will follow through. I thank you that even in the way out, you still chose a way back to the Father for us. I thank you for that word. I thank you so much that you were so creative and so sovereign to set this beautiful and painful path for us to be back to you. And so I pray that that would really refresh and restraint our faith in you and our belief and our trust in you. And I just thank you for your word and for how beautiful and how simple it is. And I pray that we just continue to minister to our heart, really to set in. And I just thank you for your word and it's in your name we pray, amen.

Announcements

Dailyaudiobible.com is our website. That's the place of connections where you can see what is happening here in the community. So be sure to check that out. If you have any prayer requests or things that you want to call in and pray for others, you can call in 800-583-2164. That is all for today. I'm China, I love you and I'll be waiting for you here, tomorrow.

Community Prayer Line

Hi, this is Carol in Lincoln, Nebraska. I've only called a couple of times before. Usually I call over or listen to Daily audio Bible, but I've also recently begun listening to chronological. And for some reason today other prayer requests were I was hearing them, but they weren't really touching me. And then I heard lady of Victory's Prayer and I just closed my eyes and heard you, lady of Victory, and prayed along with you. I have been where you are. I just fell at the end of my rope for so long and thought, Lord, when is it going to be my turn? I hear all these answers to prayer. When is it my turn? That is a perfectly human, normal emotion to feel. And I just want you to know that I heard you, that I'm praying with you. I will continue praying with you. Your prayer touched me that day and I really and sincerely hope that the Lord reaches down and touches you in a way that you will feel and recognize as he did to me. And just I know that others here will be praying for you as well. Lady of Victory, you truly are victorious and what you're feeling is perfectly human and the Lord understands. So I'm here with you, my friend, and I love you.

This message is for Lady Victory. Lady Victory, this is your brother in Baltimore. I heard your call from the 4 November and I just want to lift you and Kingdom Seeker Daniel up. In Jesus name we pray and we lift up Lady Victory boy as she continues to walk through the valley, Lord, as she grieves Lord Jesus, I pray that you be the lifter of her head, Lord. I pray that you would strengthen her, that you would encourage her, that you would speak peace to her, Lord, speaking of home wholeness and holds to her in the name of Jesus father, may Holy Spirit come alongside to give her peace and comfort in her time of need. God and Lord made everybody in the Dab chronological rally around her faith, her in prayer for her needs and her concerns of God. Lord, stand by this woman of faith. We ask you in Jesus name we pray. Amen. We love you both. We love you dearly and we will keep him prayer. Amen. Bye now.

Father God. You are a mighty god. You are the God of all. You can make nothing out of something. Father God, I come to you today and I ask and I pray over the wounds of the woman such as myself and many other out there, some of which suffer from infertility. Father God, I ask that you come and touch our wounds and remove anything that is not of you and replace it with children, with your children. Father God, we're just bearing them, but they're yours. Father God, I ask that you bring comfort and peace to the young lady who called and I believe her name was Luke 1:10. So sorry if that's wrong, but I asked that you bring her peace, not just for her, but for all of us who are suffering for infertility because this is a mental torment that plays with us that we can't explain. Not too many can't understand your Father God. So I ask that you all pray with me in agreement that for those who suffer from infertility, we'll bear children, we will give life. Nothing's wrong with us, nothing at all. We often have that thought that something's wrong with us and we're less women. But that's a thought from the devil. I myself have had six pregnancies and bear no children. So I know what this is like, very much so. Again, I ask that you all pray for us to do much suffer for infertility, for children, as well as for our mental health. In Jesus name I pray. I love you all. Again. This is Josh from the Bay. Thank you for all so much. Pray for me. As you can tell, you can hear in my voice it has helped tremendously. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Good morning, my beautiful DABC family. It's November 8, and it's Yvonne from Hilo, Alberta. And I want to lift up under construction and her husband in prayer. Father God, I want to lift up this lady and her husband to you. Lord, you know the situation. You know every little detail. Oh, Father, you say in Your word that critical times would be hard to deal with. And they most certainly are. They're here. You also say that nothing is impossible for you and that the little birds, they don't gather, they don't store up for the winter, and yet you supply everything they need. The lilies of the field are dressed so beautifully and they're here today and gone tomorrow. And yet you dress them in so much splendor, more so than even King Solomon had. Father, I want to lift up under construction and her husband to You, Lord, with all these things in mind, Lord God, I ask that you would pour out Your peace that surpasses all understanding. I ask that you would lavish Your love and Your care upon her and her husband, Lord. And they're you children, you're not going to see them wind up on the street. That's just not the way you are. You're way more loving than that. And we thank you for that, Father. And I ask God that you would just give her the boldness and the courage to just have her faith in you and you alone. I pray in Jesus name.

This is a prayer for Whitney. Whitney, in the name of Jesus that proclaimed victory over the situation that you're going through, that you are not holding on to fear, doubt and worry, that you are holding on to his promises to our family, father's promises. He is not that you are not forsaking you. He's not going to leave you. He is with you through the trials and the tribulations. He is beside you. He is going to answer your prayers. Some things might be no and some things are going to be yes. A big old yes, and you're going to see it. But everything has its reason. In the name of Jesus claims that you are going to see victory soon, that you are not going to be sad anymore, not for a long while. Sadness is a part of life, as happiness is. We can't avoid it, but we can continue on and knowing that God is going to prevail in all situations. So in the name of Jesus, that proclaim victory over you, over your life, and that one day that you're going to call and you're going to say, thank you for praying for me. Thank you that I made that choice to pray, to ask for Your help, to pray for me, because I'm finally seeing the results that God is going to answer your prayers. He's going to bring you so much joy. I pray this over your life in the name of Jesus.

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pokemoncreepypasta · 3 years

Text

Forever Mine

[STORY SOURCE]

I live in one of those small towns with a big community. It feels like everyone knows each other, and parents would visit their friends and leave their kids to mess around with each other. Classes in school weren’t very large.

So when there’s news about a kid dying, it travels at god-speed.

Everyone at school kept talking about the death of this girl who was probably a year behind me.

I didn’t know her personally. I wouldn’t have even been able to tell you her name if everyone wasn’t talking about her.

I didn’t want to pick up gossip about how she died. I decided to attend her funeral myself. Not because we were friends or anything, but I did want to show my respect for this girl and her family.

The local funeral home was within biking range of my house, so I set off.

I sat awkwardly as I noticed her parents. I’m not usually very good at picking up feelings from people, but I could tell that beyond their grief was disappointment and maybe even hostility.

They made me wonder what she was thinking about before she died.

After she was buried, I hung around the cemetery. I’d wished I brought flowers with me, but decided I’d give her some the next time I stopped by.

Around this time, I had been aiming to get a Sky Forme Shaymin, since it was one of my favorite Pokémon back then.

I had caught a wild Shaymin using the "Pokémon Modifier" cheat code. I was terrible at coming up with creative names. But then, I remembered the name of the girl and thought it would suit a Shaymin rather well.

“Skye.”

Little did I know that this would invite strange things to start happening to my game.

I wanted to keep this Shaymin in its Sky Forme whenever possible, so I planned on keeping it in my team 24/7, only playing during daytime, etc. I was a dirty cheater who liked putting illegal moves on my Pokémon, so I taught Skye to use Fly.

At the time, I didn’t know you needed to catch the Shaymin in Flower Paradise to receive the Gracidea Flower, so when I talked to the blonde girl NPC in Floaroma Town, I had no idea why she wouldn’t give it to me.

So I was stuck with a Shaymin that knew Fly. It was weird, and I never really grew all that attached to it. Eventually I boxed it, forgot I had it, and released it without thinking.

The next time I booted up the game, I got this message.

“The save file is corrupted. The previous save file will be loaded.”

My first instinct was panic. I didn’t have any time to think or process the initial message, because all my hours were gone. With nervous anticipation, I started up the save file to see what the damage was.

To my surprise, I found myself on an incomplete Seabreak Path. The south path to Route 224 was cut off, with a featureless Shaymin staring vacantly over the edge.

I checked my party, and found none of my team members.

Only a level 100 Dusknoir with the move Follow Me.

Very useful, I thought. I’d have to boot up my Action Replay to teach this thing Fly in order to get off the island later.

Checking my items, I noticed everything was gone, save for a single PokéBall and an Escape Rope. Neither of which seemed particularly helpful for getting me off this island.

Out of curiosity though, I decided to see if Shaymin would be at Flower Paradise. I started my trek north, lamenting the loss of my bike.

To my surprise, Shaymin was there, despite never having Oak’s Letter or triggering the cutscene with it. Its face was obstructed by flowers, but it seemed like its pink flowers were missing just like the one I saw before.

I spoke to the Shaymin, and a message appeared.

“I remember you.”

“But… You don’t remember me, do you?”

The wild Shaymin attacked, and my heart stopped at its name.

“Skye appeared!”

Featureless, like before.

I felt a knot in my stomach, not even caring about the game. Something was very clearly wrong with it, and I wanted to stop playing. But I decided I was already taking pictures of the weird stuff that was happening, and I wanted to document it in full.

Steeling my resolve, I went about my options.

Dusknoir only knew Follow Me, so it was useless to weaken the Shaymin.

Remembering the PokéBall I had, I tossed it at the Shaymin.

Most people would be ecstatic to catch a Shaymin with full HP in a PokéBall on their first try, but I got the feeling that the game was rigged. There wasn’t any triumphant music playing either, which didn’t help my feelings about it.

I tried checking my newly caught Shaymin, but my game froze upon checking my party.

Upon restarting the system and starting the game up, this message appeared.

“My heart is corrupted. Please save me.”

My save file was gone for real this time. The trainer’s name was “SINNER”.

I live in a pretty religious community, so reading this made me ill at ease.

Starting up the game again, I found myself in the Lost Tower, playing as a featureless Shaymin.

My only Pokémon was the same Shaymin, named SINNER, knowing Fly, Scary Face, Fake Tears, and Spite.

A text box appeared when I tried to leave the tower.

“Today’s the day.”

It pushed me back, preventing my exit. The only option I had was to ascend.

No random encounters happened, and all the trainers wouldn’t interact with me.

It went this way until I went to the top floor. I’m pretty sure there isn’t supposed to be a man and woman NPC standing in this spot.

"There’s nothing left to say.”

Interacting with them just prompted this text.

It was here that I noticed a staircase that wasn’t supposed to be there.

I found myself on the top of the tower. I stepped into a scripted event, and the Shaymin faced the edge without my prompt.

"It's a long way down... Are you ready?"

Hoping for some way out of this, I wanted to say “no”, so I could cheat my way out of the tower and get my game back to normal. However, upon selecting it, this text appeared.

"You've held back for long enough. It's time to go."

“SINNER used the Escape Rope.”

A battle started against the same Dusknoir as before. I was intimidated to go against a level 100 Dusknoir, but then I remembered its only move was Follow Me, so it was harmless.

I realized that if I let SINNER faint, I could go to the last Pokémon Center and escape the tower.

I used Spite, thinking that if I reduced Follow Me’s PP, the Dusknoir would use Struggle and OHKO my Shaymin.

“The wild DUSKNOIR used Follow Me!”

“SINNER used Spite!”

“But there was no target...”

Dang it.

Deciding to experiment, I came to the conclusion that there was no harm in screwing around with SINNER’s attacks until DUSKNOIR ran out of PP. I chose Fly.

“The wild DUSKNOIR used Follow Me!”

“SINNER used Fly!”

“The wild DUSKNOIR used Follow Me!”

“SINNER kept going and crashed!”

Not the KO I was expecting, but I took it nonetheless.

The game, of course, crashed as soon as my Shaymin’s cry played, leaving nothing but pleasantly ear-grating screeching sounds.

I decided to take a break from playing for a moment to process what I just witnessed. I had a lot to digest.

The only conclusion I came to was that ghosts are real and this was the same Skye as the girl who died. Which would sound insane if I didn’t have the pictures to prove it.

I choked back tears. I was afraid. Why did Skye want me to see this?

I wanted to put the game down and be done with it. But if she had a message to give me, then I felt like I had to see it through to the end.

I guess I vainly hoped she’d pass on and find peace if I listened to what she was trying to say.

Another message when I started the game up again.

“I can’t fly. I tried to.”

I found myself at Spear Pillar. The staircase to the Hall of Origin was in front of me.

My exit was gone, so I just went straight to Arceus.

A level 100 Arceus stood before me.

Instead of sending out my Shaymin, it stayed in the field. It was now bleeding. Its status said it was fainted, but it was still able to battle somehow.

I felt cornered. There was no way a level 14 Shaymin could take on something like this. I tried to use Fly, hoping it would give me the same result as before.

“Can’t use that here.”

It wouldn’t let me use the move. Instead, I just outright try to flee.

“Can’t escape!”

“ARCEUS used Judgment!”

I braced for impact...

“The wild ARCEUS’s attack missed!”

...But was pleasantly surprised to see it miss.

“I’m not ready yet.”

The game made me flee automatically.

The screen faded to black.

“I’m not ready. I’m not ready.”

“I’m scared.”

When the screen faded back to the overworld, I found myself in the Distortion World. The portal that takes you back to the main world was gone, so the only thing I could do was explore.

I found another Escape Rope while looking around.

It was the only thing noteworthy I could find, so I started trying to think of ways to get out of here.

I tried using Fly, since SINNER still knew it.

“There’s nowhere to fly to.”

Figures.

Trying to test my other options, I went to my bag and tried using the Escape Rope.

Of course, the “There’s a time and place for everything” message still appeared.

Deciding to mess around until I got results, I went to give the Escape Rope to SINNER.

“Don’t suppose you know what to do with this?” I muttered.

The game crashed again, and it assaulted my eardrums once more. I sharply inhaled, wondering if I touched a nerve.

I took a deep breath and started the game again.

My character’s name was now Skye.

I started in Floaroma Town. The first thing I did was rush to the Pokémon Center to check on my Pokémon in the PC. Of course, they were all gone.

I’d grieve for them later, though. Maybe Skye would be nice to me and give them back.

While I was in the center, I figured it might’ve been good to heal the faint status off of the Shaymin.

Sure it is. Glad you can tell when something is suffering, nurse.

Heading outside, I talked to the blonde NPC.

“You should always give flowers to someone who has passed away.”

“It’s rude not to.”

“You got the Gracidea!”

I was suddenly feeling very guilty for not leaving flowers before.

Wondering if I could fix the poor Shaymin in my party if I used the flower on her, I went to try it.

“It won’t have any effect.”

Of course not.

The blonde NPC turned into my Shaymin. I spoke to her.

“That won’t help me.”

Yeah, I thought not.

At a loss of ideas on what to do next, I absentmindedly made my way to Valley Windworks and walked around in the grass.

A wild Sky Forme Shaymin appeared.

I sent out Skye, of course.

I chose the fight option, and the battle continued without me selecting a move.

“The wild SHAYMIN used Reflect!”

“Skye’s rage is building!”

“Skye used Cut!”

“She hurt herself in her confusion!”

The Sky Form Shaymin was knocked out in one hit, despite the game telling me Skye had hurt herself.

Back on the overworld, I found the mangled parts of the Sky Forme Shaymin lying in the grass. I inspected them.

“Please put me back together.”

It gave me another prompt, and I chose yes.

The screen faded to black.

And then Skye appeared again in a black abyss, with Skymin ears and flower. My trainer was nowhere to be seen.

I checked my party to see that Skye had changed again. Her cry sounded like a distorted mix of Shaymin’s two forms.

I went back to the overworld and was unable to move. Instead, a dialogue box appeared.

“Can you hear me?”

"Thank you for caring about me.”

"I can fly now.”

“Because...”

“I love you.”

My heart skipped a beat. My hands began to shake.

“You must care about me too, right?”

“So... I’m going to stay with you.”

“I won’t leave, not without someone who loves me.”

“Will you fly away with me?”

My shaky hands went to say no. I didn’t want to be like her.

"...”

“I’ll wait for you.”

“I’ll change your mind.”

“You’re mine now.”

“You’re mine forever.”

With that last line, the game froze.

The first thing I did was take the game out of the system. I decided to drop off all my Pokémon games at the nearest GameStop. I didn’t want her talking to me anymore.

So why do I feel like she’s still here?

#Pokemon Creepypasta #Pokepasta #Shaymin #Forever Mine

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missnight0wl · 3 years

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What do you think of Rowan, Ben, Penny and Merula's Patronus? Though I don't like Merula very much, I still think she is able to conjure one.

I’m putting it under the cut because it turned out a bit lengthy.

Rowan

I used to think of an Owl for Rowan because, y’know, it's “a symbol of wisdom” and all. But when I got this ask, I remembered that I found the site on Irish Astrology just days earlier – the same Rowling was using for birthdates and wand wood of the Golden Trio. Interestingly, each sign has assigned an animal there, and since the rowan tree is one of them, I decided to check it to find out that it’s a crane or a green dragon. A dragon makes me think of Charlie, but I did a little bit of digging on another option, and I have to say – I think I’m gonna stick with a Crane Patronus for Rowan.

This is what I found on the Crane symbolism:

Throughout Asia, the crane is considered as a bird of happiness and prosperity. The Japanese, Chinese, and Korean traditions relate it to longevity and fidelity.

Aristotle wrote about this bird that it always held a stone in its mouth so that if it fell asleep and the stone would fall down, the bird would wake. Thus crane symbolism came to be linked with vigilance.

I also checked Indian symbolism since Rowan is part Indian, and I found this:

[The Sarus crane] is also known as the eternal symbol of unconditional love and devotion and good fortune.

Interestingly, cranes are monogamous and they mate for life. That’s actually why in Japan, they’re often incorporated in wedding décor!

Overall, we have pretty positive symbolism. The parts about devotion and unconditional love sum Rowan up as a friend pretty well. We also have a part about vigilance which again is pretty fitting for Rowan who was probably the most aware from all of our friends that MC is indeed in constant danger – and that’s why they were suspicious of Ben (not because they simply didn’t like Ben – let’s remember that Rowan and Ben were friends at the end of a day).

Admittedly, “in some cultures, the meanings of crane birds can be negative: they represent deception, a harbinger of death, and even the symbol of the devil.” However, it’s actually a bit meta, considering all the people suspecting Rowan of being a traitor.

Ben

I really like the idea of a Lion Patronus for Ben. A Patronus form is not only about representing one’s personality, but also “the Patronus represents that which is hidden, unknown but necessary within the personality” - and it fits Ben’s bravery so nicely. I talk here mostly about Old Ben, but that’s also a pretty old idea of mine. I mean, Ben was always super brave when his friends needed it, he just couldn’t really accept it himself. I also find it kind of heart-warming to imagine Old Ben being intimidated by his own Patronus at first, only to become more and more comfortable around it with time.

Another thing, I remember reading once someone else’s point that it could be a funny reference to the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz – which, now that I think about it, Ben would be probably familiar with as a Muggleborn!

Now, as for New Ben… Well, honestly, I don’t think that Ben would be able to cast Patronus Charm at this very moment. He probably still feels too much guilt for Rowan’s death and whatnot. Still, I remembered a discussion I had with my friend after Rakepick’s Patronus was finally revealed, and she pointed out then that male lions tend to kill little cubs if they defeat a previous male lion and take over his pack. Y’know, to eliminate wrong genes. And you know what? It’s kind of what Ben did with his old self. Before the end of Y5, Ben had a pretty good understanding of bravery. There was that very sweet moment in the O.W.L.s TLSQ, for example:

But then, the end of Y5 happened, and Ben was like: “Nope. I know no fear and THAT’S bravery”.

Either way, I do hope that Ben will eventually return on his path of a healthy balance between his old and new self, and I have a feeling that a Lion would still be a pretty good match then.

Penny

Probably an unpopular opinion, but I always thought that Penny’s Patronus should be some kind of a predator. I once even proposed a Black Panther, but I didn’t have a lot of reasoning behind it, to be honest. Now, I think I’m gonna change it anyway, and I’ll say that Penny would have a Fox Patronus. This is information I found on it:

The fox is a natural trickster, and brilliantly charismatic. Those with this Patronus are often more reserved, but do have the social capability to speak to just about anyone. They are strongly ambitious and observant of the behaviour of others, watching key points in what others do and storing them for further reference, when they may need them. They are good talkers, meaning they can convince people to do what they want and make them think it was their idea in the first place.

Foxes are quick, intelligent and strongly ambitious. Although they are known for their cunning nature, they are very charismatic and easy to love. If your Patronus is a fox, you have an ability to think outside of the box and act quickly during emergency situations.

Penny is insanely ambitious about her Potions-making. She said on more than one occasion that she couldn’t pass the opportunity to brew more advanced Potion. She’s also obviously charismatic, and the part I might like the most is about “making others do what they want and even make them think it was their idea”. Because when you really think about it… it’s exactly Penny.

Like, making MC steal the ingredients for the Forgetfulness Potion and very similar situation again with the Draught of Peace (each time not even telling MC what it’s about until the very end). Making MC impersonate a Professor or a Prefect. All those situations could get us in pretty serious trouble. Yet, the best example in all of that is the Animagus TLSQ, in my opinion.

The quest started with the rumours that Talbott is planning to become an Animagus, and so MC got intrigued and decided to help Talbott get ingredients, hoping that Penny could make an extra Potion for them. But then, it turned out that Penny doesn’t make the Potion for Talbott at all, and she wanted MC to take it instead. Moreover, Talbott was already an Animagus, so the whole story didn’t really make much sense from the very beginning. Now, it might be the case of Jam City screwing up badly in writing, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is basically what happened: Penny wanted to brew the Animagus Potion, so she sent Talbott to get MC intrigued in the whole thing, so MC thought it was their idea while Penny could brew her Potion. Now, tell me she’s not a Fox – especially that again it could’ve been pretty dangerous for MC if anything went wrong.

There’s also a part about thinking outside of the box and acting quickly during the emergency, and funnily enough, it’s also kind of true for Penny. The thing is that she doesn’t act well in those situations – but that’s a separate problem.

Also, I don’t know if you can tell it by now, but I totally believe that Penny should’ve been a Slytherin, and I will die on that hill. Just a digression.

Merula

Hm, how about a Mole? Or a Rat? :D Just kidding, of course. Mostly…

Seriously though, I had a bit of a problem with Merula. I thought of a Skunk or a Frilled-neck lizard at first, y’know, because they try to look more threatening as a self-defence mechanism. I considered a Yorkshire Terrier as well because they’re always yapping at bigger dogs. And while they kind of fit Merula, they’re definitely not perfect matches. Merula has no dog qualities whatsoever, and even though her aggression is probably caused by a lot of insecurities, skunks and frilled-neck lizards don’t really harm whatever threatens them. Merula does harm, whether physically or emotionally, and she’s pretty calculated in that.

So, I kept thinking about something else, and there was one option I was coming back to. And even though I didn’t fully like it at first, I think I’ll stick to it, and I’ll say that Merula would have a Black Mamba Patronus.

Here’s some information about Black Mambas:

Cloaked in the color of death and measuring over 14 feet in length, the Black Mamba is regarded as one of the most vicious snakes in the world. It’s also one of the most venomous. (…) Unlike many animals, which simply have an anger problem, Black Mambas are driven by an extreme form of fear-based aggression. Being exceedingly nervous, the slightest sense that the snake’s escape route is compromised may unleash an attack of unparalleled ferocity.

There’s also an interesting quote from the discussion on whether or not they chase humans:

No, they absolutely don’t chase humans. No snakes chase humans. However black mambas are so high-strung they’re practically hysterical the moment something makes them nervous, and they’re really not very intelligent. As a result, these snakes are extremely prone to absolute panic. If you corner a mamba, its fight/flight reflex is triggered, and it will freak out and try to fight you to escape. This involves wildly throwing itself around and biting you like 60 times in a row, if you don’t get the blazes out of the way. (…) And they’re not very good at evaluating the level of danger they’re in. Or… much of anything.

… and that’s basically Merula. She’s in a constant state of panic that people are better than her. Especially in earlier years, she constantly felt threatened by MC’s mere existence, even when MC was clear they just don’t care about her – so she was attacking. All. The. Freaking. Time.

Moreover, snakes in general are often associated with deceit, so there’s that.

Of course, there’s also much more positive symbolism around snakes, like a rebirth, transformation, or heling. And while I have no doubts that Jam City won’t give Merula a proper redemption arc (because they're too lazy about it), she clearly is a character who’s supposed to be all about redemption. So, I guess that’s another reason why a Black Mamba would fit nicely, even though it seems a bit stereotypical for a Slytherin (then again, Merula totally should’ve been a Gryffindor, but that’s a topic for a different discussion).

#long post #hogwarts mystery #hphm #rowan khanna #ben copper #penny haywood #merula snyde #patronus #about characters #ask #anonymous

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transsexualhamlet · 3 years

Text

asmr i psychoanalyze my favorite war criminal, aka calling out norman the essay

basically all of my thoughts on norman on one callout post because i care him (both manga and anime are discussed)

LINK TO RAY PSYCHOANALYSIS: https://chaoticgaymess.tumblr.com/post/646749875570196480/ray-81194-the-long-explanation

this is going to be ungodly long so here’s a keep reading, essay below the cut

((tw for suicidal ideation and self harm, brief discussion of eating disorders))

Disclaimer: no shipping is included here this is just about norman also they’re kids who call each other siblings

Thoughts: So you may be thinking, Rowan, why do you yell about the colorless war criminal so often? Well the answer lies in your honor the court hates to see a girlboss winning. Norman is a girlboss :) Yes norman is a tiny twink who can't lift a milk jug. And he is a girlboss :) Obviously I don't condone, um, eugenics and all, but that's not the point the point is that he satisfies my need for more characters like Levi motherfucking Calder from Unwind because I’m apparently an edgy 13 year old. Also all of his problems are violently things I can fix and I keep him around as a pet project because someone needs to give him a hug and slap him on the face

I diagnose him with things:

-pisces man :pensive:

-is he albino? Not literally. Is his skin so pale he would catch fire if he went outside at noon? Yes.

-autism: Yes I’m aware that calling him autistic makes him, problematic rep by perpetuating the autism unfeeling savant stereotype whatever but have you considered i’m autistic and I’m projecting also he’s L with standards? Anyway traits of AuTism he has: hyper fixation, canonically breaks and fixes things over and over because like ofc he does, doesn’t understand Emotion, hyperaware of body language at the same time as it all somehow flying over his head, low empathy, sensory experiences™, min maxed in certain areas, and I don’t think he’s got social interaction quite right? There’s something off about it

-gifted kid (derogatory) This is self explanatory but basically him being the smartest and the best in a competitive environment caused most of his issues, such as the perfectionism, the need to succeed, the lack of self esteem and ridiculously high expectations on himself, giving himself no breaks or time to relax, the “i must be productive with every second of my day or i will die” deal, the “peaked at 11” thing, the way in which he goes through life like there’s going to be a fucking test on it

-Eldest Daughter™ lmao. Norman’s always had to be mature, he’s always had to be the best, he’s always had to do the things Ray got out of bc he’s a snitch and Emma got out of because Isabella likes her. Norman gets respect from Isabella only if he excels, and her bar for him is astronomical. He doesn’t have the Mommy Issues that Ray has, but it’s because for him Isabella basically just reflected his expectations on himself, whereas with Ray it was more personal.

-low empathy (part of the autism thing): this one needs more explanation, but it’s not a bad thing in and of itself. Cognitive empathy is a thing and he can use it, but he does not instinctively understand other people’s emotions, or even recognize them properly, especially when the person is not like himself. This is obvious in Emma. Man has no fucking clue what’s going on in her head or why she does what she does, but he can predict what she will do in any given situation very well. He could understand the suicide attempt from ray he predicted more because Ray’s an easier equation to solve, and someone who’s more similar to him. I know he gets it because, well, motherfucker’s just as self desctructive as him, just in a more dignified manner.

-he’s got some sort of chronic illness. This is also me projecting and a headcanon but he’s got something going on, even before lambda pumped him full of growth hormones or whatever which they maybe should have Not Done but oh well. (I assume this just didn’t happen in the anime, since he’s still so fucking short) But he's So weak. He passed out when it was too hot. He passed out when it was too cold. He can’t open a pickle jar. His skin is too pale and he’s skinny af. He’s much more prone to sickness and probably has asthma too? But in the case that he did actually have something going on, I don’t think grace field would see the need to treat it, if it didn’t impact the quality of his meat? Isabella’s probably just “you have chronic pain and you get migraines? Great, take some tylenol and do some calculus.” Can’t say that probably helped anything.

personality type: ISTJ

Basically, he’s the most boring personality type to exist, and personally as an enfp i do not respect him. But basically this means he’s a fucking nerd that gets his projects done for school the day they’re assigned, is probably the president of the Anime Student Council™, and could probably get away with premeditated murder (ok actual istjs this is a joke don’t skin me)

The only trait that norman doesn’t have on the istj thing is telling the truth. Yeah, he values the truth, but like, that doesn’t apply to him, clearly. Bitch is a notorious liar.

The only other personality type he has any similarity with is intj, which is the same except it’s more rare and a purple theme instead of a blue theme. Sadly, that’s not him though, because although he can care more about some kinds of philosophy overall this isn’t the case and ray already occupies this personality type tbh.

strengths and weaknesses: This one’s kind of obvious, but he is aside from the crazy insane intelligence good at planning. Extremely good at planning. He can predict any outcome and figure out how to prevent it, using all his resources. For example he’s physically weak and someone could literally just walk up and stab him, but it doesn’t impede his progress on his goals because he’s surrounded himself with strong, mentally inferior people who would die for him in a heartbeat. He never gets stuck in some “everything is shit and i can’t do anything” deal like Emma and Ray do, he always works through it and has confidence in his abilities (in as much as he will solve the problem or die™. Weaknesses other than his twink body include his Low Wisdom score. It’s funny how he’s often associated with an owl, the mans is 14. He thinks he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. Plus obviously his fundamental misunderstanding of so much of everything going on around him, the fact that he lies not just to the world but himself, his refusal to take care of himself and his incredible cowardice. His achilles heel is being forced to, actually confront his actions.

what he likes about himself: He does pride himself on his mental abilities, and his judgement, which in his opinion is the only correct opinion and the only correct way. In the past, he likes being seen as a leader, he likes being responsible for other people. He likes his ability to manipulate and lie, because he sees it as an asset, and I honestly think he enjoys being william minerva more than he enjoys being Norman. He prides himself on his unhealthy expectations and the fact that he is able to meet them. Honestly, he does think he’s better than everyone else, mentally, though it’s humbled by his self hatred. Cursed thought: If Norman had self esteem he would be light yagami.

what he doesn’t like about himself/insecurities: Oh god, nearly everything. His appearance, his status, his superiority, his physical inability, his own mess of a mind, also have I mentioned his appearance. He’s obsessed with self control. He wants everything he sees wrong with himself gone. And I understand why having control of everything is necessary and appealing, everything for him has always been rigid and planned out from moment one, he was even more regulated in lambda, and though he desperately wants to Not Be Food, he has no idea what to do with the chains now that he’s broken out of them. So he just wraps them around himself. Regulates to an unhealthy degree when he sleeps, what he eats, when he actually takes even minimal care of his own problems, what he looks like, how much of himself he lets show, the expressions on his face, the literal thoughts inside his own head he will shut down if they are not Correct. It’s literal self harm. Norman, please stop it.

motivations/goals in life/general philosophy: To be honest, I’m not sure he knows what he wants. He sure thinks he does, he could sure give you a memorized answer, but it means nothing. He wants to excel. He wants Emma to be happy. He wants to be perfect and for that to make everything perfect. But he doesn’t realize everything he’s working towards will do pretty much the opposite of that. He’s a crippling perfectionist, and pretty much everything he does is motivated by his fear of failing. He picks the certain path, he doesn’t wait for anyone else, he doesn’t care if it’s not nice. Emma foils that a most of the time because he cares about her, but it can only go so far, especially after he’s had so much time without her to develop a Complex. His philosophy is very contradictory, basically the tokyo ghoul “everything bad that happens to you stems from a lack of ability”. All of his problems are his fault. All the world’s problems are his to fix. If he can’t fix them, it’s his fault, it’s because he wasn’t strong enough, and not being perfect condemns someone forever, including himself.

how he’s perceived by others vs how he actually is: In most people there wouldn’t truly be much of a difference, but with Norman things are different, because, well, most of his personality in grace field is a put on, as well as the tough guy dictator thing he radiates after lambda. How he appears to someone is determined by the context of their meeting- the kids at grace field see him as a nerdy, weakish, pretty boring kid who is really caring and kind. The researchers at lambda see an obedient, beaten down and perfectionistic boy. The lambda kids see him as an infallible leader, ruthless and genius, a good man who knows what’s right. But in truth none of that is him. It’s a fucking chess game to him, putting on different faces, lying and pretending and treating everyone differently. In truth? He’s a fucking coward. He’s scared out of his mind and he’s tired and he can’t take pain, he’s obsessed with reaching some goal he deems is necessary that in the end is going to be his death because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He’s taken on the role of someone evil, though deep down he’s not, he feels it’s easier to live that way because it strips him of his conscience.

interpersonal relationships: In general, Norman sees all relationships in a pretty dim light. He sees everyone as black and white, for the most part, and other people make no sense to him intuitively, he has to figure them out like a puzzle. He’s manipulative and not particularly kind, but he follows all societal expectations to a T, overly focused on his appearance and placing the person he’s interacting with into a Category™. So he can be truly kind, to people he feels deserve it, to people who he values and doesn’t see flaws in. He gets incredibly attached to people he loves, protective, though he often doesn’t take their own feelings on the matter into consideration, and he’s ruthless with anyone who he deems a bad person. With people he understands and relates to, though, things can be different. If he sees someone as like himself, he will drop all the social interaction police bullshit and cut to the chase of whatever he wants or needs from them, and he’s not very forgiving in any manner, if he thinks what someone did is actually bad.

Emma: Norman obviously cares a lot about Emma, and honestly views her as better than anyone else. He realizes her moral integrity and all of the things she has and he doesn’t, and admires it. Because of his black and white view, Emma is like an angel to him. She couldn’t do anything wrong if she tried. But he comes to treat her as something to be protected instead of respected, and although he realizes she wouldn’t like what he’s doing, he fundamentally cannot empathize with her and doesn’t try to understand her. Their personalities are very literally opposite. Norman really needs to fucking listen to her. And Emma needs to understand that Norman doesn’t have a single ounce of empathy and you really do need to spell it out for him. Emma can only convince him when she has logical reasons for her actions, which she, doesn’t often have. And Emma gave Norman too much slack, because she didn’t see past the surface, and Ray never wanted to warn her, even though he knew the dude was showing a bunch of red flags, because you know. It was kind of an unspoken deal between them. (on ray’s part)

Ray: His relationship with Ray is a lot more complicated than with Emma. He understands Ray, where he doesn’t understand Emma, and he can see right through anything Ray does. And this makes things really tense between them, because Ray doesn’t, take kindly to being psychoanalyzed. If someone perceives him he will deck them and Norman is just there silently perceiving him at all times when Emma doesn’t see it. They are both constantly in competition with each other, but they care about each other a lot, though it’s kind of in a derogatory way. They both recognize each other as fundamentally fucked up, and silently agree never to bring it up with Emma. They’re nice to each other when she’s around, but all pretenses disappear when she’s gone. Ray is always frustrated with Norman, because Norman’s never been intimidated by him, and though he tries his best not to be vulnerable around him, Norman can always see through it, whereas Ray can’t crack Norman’s fake fucking smile no matter what he does. Norman will always take Emma’s side, and doesn’t see Ray as a good person at all, but he still understands and can excuse him, he takes measures to be… worse than Ray, which is better in his mind, because it’s rational, and ‘not selfish’.

Isabella: She has always had ridiculously high expectations for Norman, and treats him kind of harshly compared to the others. Bitch has heat stroke and Isabella’s first question is a calculus problem instead of like, “are you ok”. She knows he doesn’t complain about anything ever and she doesn’t stop him from being Terrible to himself, because it makes her job easier. They want smart kids, not mentally adjusted kids. She does really care for all of them, but she basically overrides it, she gives them what they want, not what they need, lets them be exactly what they’re making themselves. Isabella is distant with Ray but gives him anything he wants, she’s close and super nice with Emma, but Norman is… it’s weird. Isabella is proud of him because he meets her astronomically high bar. But at the same time, Norman never really cared for her that much and has never pretended to. Once they discover The Thing, though, he has a revelation, and it doesn’t take him long to switch his entire perspective about her. He’s pretty much like. Oh. She’s like me. That explains it, time to treat her like I treat myself: fucking brutally. Passive aggressive as hell. The kind of energy the :) emoticon at the end of an email gives. He does like just go “yeah we should kill her” at one point, which. You know, ok. When he got shipped out it was hhhh really interesting because Isabella knew full well he knew he was walking to his death and Norman was like “are you Truly Happy?” and just went :) and she was like h u h and tried to get him to talk while they were walking there because she feels Bad about it and he just. Did not. He didn’t say a single word just kind of smiled menacingly at her and I think it was half a sort of rebellion and half because he viewed her as similar to himself and therefore felt no need to put up any front with her, no words were necessary for him to impart exactly how he felt about it

Lambda kids: His relationship with the lambda kids is weird and bittersweet. I think he really truly does care about them, they were in a similar situation to his and he wants them to get what they want. However it is not a healthy or beneficial relationship, they see him as a god and don’t realize that he’s killing himself to give them what they want, he’s basically adopted them when out of anyone norman’s the one that should least be in charge of kids. I think he’s honestly younger than them but I’m not sure if they even know. He acts like their fucking mom, and that’s from what he thinks mothers are like… like isabella?? Giving them what they want, not what they need, lying to them, showing a front, caring deeply for them but at the same time using them for his own ends. And it’s not helpful for him. He thinks he knows what they need, but what he’s doing is what they want. What they need is therapy,(and so does norman), and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using them as weapons because they love him. It makes him feel good, to be seen as perfect, to have people who don’t know how weak he really is. But it’s only making him worse, and he’s enabling everything the lambda kids are doing wrong as well. They need like, Yuugo and Lucas. Some actual adults who are actually wise and have the ability and the knowledge to take care of them and understand their mental problems and maybe actually address them. And actually be nice to them. But um sadly.

what he’s doing wrong: It’s pretty obvious, but… Norman, you maybe *shouldn’t* commit genocide? You’re not helping emma, you’re not making anything better. You’re not helping the lambda kids, you’re enabling them. You’re not helping your friends from grace field, you’re ignoring what they want. You’re not helping the world, you’re eradicating an entire race from the face of the earth and murdering the poor for the crimes of the fucking 1%. You’re not being a martyr, you’re a selfish piece of shit liar you little coward, you just want an easy way out and you want to die on your bloody fucking hill instead of admitting you’re wrong. Grow up, cringe little man.

why he went wrong: I think most of the reason this happened was the way he was raised combined with the kind of person he is. Norman would have turned out fine, if there has been good adults in his life who actually cared about his well being. Instead he got people who just wanted to control him and make him what they needed, and family who largely didn’t realize there was anything wrong. Ray being an ass to him most of forever probably didn’t help but well, that’s just Ray. Even then, he would have managed alright if he escaped with the rest of the kids because he would never have been separated from the experiences that caused the rest of them to realize demons weren’t all evil. In lambda he didn’t have anyone supporting him or telling him when things went too far, so he fell into relying on himself alone, pushing himself further with absolutely no limits. All he saw was enemies and allies, and things got stratified. He never had a lucas or a yuugo or mujika when he would have needed it, instead he found children who wanted him to be in charge and a world that made it so he had to be. Everything was an echo chamber for his worst thoughts, so they just became more and more dominant.

what he needs: To put it simply, he needs Emma and Ray to cut to the chase and slap him across the face and make him take care of himself. He needs to be forced to see everything for what it really is- this edgy 14 year old committing atrocities to feel better about himself? He needs to be told that what he’s doing is irrational, because in reality, it is. There are better solutions that he’s ignoring, both to his own suffering and the demons, and the way he’s going now no one will truly be happy because of it, that there is no requirement that things be perfect and this bullshit doesn’t make him stronger. He needs someone responsible to take the fucking dagger out of his hands. He also needs someone to babysit him and make him go to bed at a reasonable time.

i describe his personality through songs on my spotify playlist for him:

-outrunning karma by alec benjamin: this one super applies because it calls him out for making shitty decisions, being manipulative and a liar, and having blood on his hands in a very calm and subdued manner, that he knows this is wrong and yet he chooses to keep running faster and faster towards destruction, that he means to escape it through death

-empty by boyinaband and jaiden: yes this is a song about anorexia yes it also applies to norman i’m not saying norman literally has an eating disorder (but honestly it wouldn’t be far out of character if he did) but metaphorically this applies to his method of ignoring his needs, both emotional and physical, in favor of seeming in control

-toxic thoughts by faith marie: this one speaks to his gifted kid trauma. Man’s got perfectionism running his entire soul. He’s terrified of failing, because he’s always been at the very top, he’ll beat himself up over any miniscule mistake and forces himself to keep at bad habits that keep him Productive, but he won’t ask for help no matter how much he’s suffering because that would be failing, he fights with his mind, this song basically tells him “yeah i feel you but you need to stop that”

-no time to die by billie eilish: ignore the romantic overtones but this is emma and norman, emma who trusted norman and was lied to, betrayed, for norman’s greater good, and norman who refuses to feel or hurt because of it, who refuses to apologize or see himself as wrong, pushes forward because he’s going to Pass Away

-achilles come down by gang of youths: hhhhh it's like. His vibe. Obviously you can disregard the lifestyle specific shit but it's. It's achilles come down you have to understand it’s like the same deal as friend, please just like french and longer

-friend, please by 21 pilots: i feel like i don't have to explain this one but it’s more to the manga (not the anime where he kind of figures out he done did wrong by himself instead of committing unforgivable sins and still going yeah this is valid before emma is like holy fuck). He is like sorry emma I cannot fix anything I’m going to die :) *coughs blood* and emma going like stop it stop it stop it fuck you see you fucked up and i forgive you just stop don’t walk away while he’s like “no<3”

why im a repressed little norman kinnie even tho he’s my exact opposite: I don’t generally kin ppl like norman, honestly he’s an infj I have no clue how it happened but I’m pretty sure it’s because of my intense desire to project onto a little man who cannot lift a milk jug and has chronic pain and decides you know what I AM tired of being nice i DO wanna go apeshit. Also he’s a twink. A little bastard. He’s a terrible person and I go mood every time he does anything. I said mood when he fell out of a tree. Don’t know what this says about me, I swear I wouldn’t commit no genocide. He’s like the inverse of Yoichi Saotome, and somehow i kin him too. Damn.

Miscellaneous headcanons:

-man’s SO attached to his william minerva cloak. He’s a wispy little bitch, you know he’s wearing that thing inside the house, he’s fucking cold. It also makes him Look Important he can retreat into it like an emo middle schooler with an oversized sweatshirt

-although you could probably get Mad street cred from having two whole brands you know he’s not gonna whip it out and show off his lambda thing he’s incredibly self conscious and his chest hasn’t seen the sun in years

-norman’s got MAD laundry skills to be able to wear like, all white all the time while constantly murdering people. I think he’s the only one who knows to do the laundry. And Ray is the only one who knows how to cook.

-but even then there’s gotta still be a few questionable stains on that thing, but if anyone asks he’s like “ketchup” “I’ve literally never seen you eat anything with that much color” “ketchup :)” *coughs blood*

-he’s probably thought “well i have not literally coughed blood yet today so I am not legally obligated to take care of myself”

-He probably adopted much of his current personality from taking on the persona of william minerva. I’m calling him out for being like me, he’s a blank motherfucker, he absorbs personality traits from characters he plays! He’s just not in theatre so it’s a bit more intense!

-the first time he sees barbara Eating Demon Meat he kinda stares and goes oh cool! not for me and violently exits the room. Like it's hilarious bc he thinks that's really gross on a moral level though he understands why she would do it

-Which is even funnier bc I’m not sure about the canon on this but there was That Chapter Cover that one time that kinda seemed to imply norman eating demon meat which i absolutely latched onto because I’m terrible. He was just politely eating it. With a knife and fork like why dude. As to a possible reason for him doing that I can come up with, of course barbara does it out of spite, but man we don’t know the properties, if it had some sort of painkilling aspect to it or it was like, caffeine, you know he would, but he would Definitely not talk about it

-I kinda disagree with what the anime did in episode eight? It was good I liked it and the imagery was fantastic but also have you considered Norman could not kill someone with his own hands if he tried, or even physically injure them? That’s what his minions are for shawty. That doesn’t make it any less bad, of course, but the manga captured it perfectly by the fact of he carries around a dagger and a scepter in the capitol battle, but he never even raises it out of more than intimidation. He walks through calmly like he’s not scared at all but he makes sure all the lambda kids do all the actual murder, he just stands there impartially, clearly The Mastermind, as the kids fucking murder the queen of the demons. And I think that’s more profound because he’s, a coward. And he doesn’t realize being the one who orders the strike makes you just as responsible as the one who sticks the knife in someone. The knife is just there to Compensate™ for the fact that he weighs like eighty pounds.

-he’s more of like lady macbeth (because he’s a girlboss) than macbeth himself. He has blood on his hands, but it’s the kind of blood that you can’t wash off. He never killed anyone himself, and he cannot admit he never would have been able to.

-the last thing is that there are definitely epic things about the anime, episode 8 was my favorite so far, goddamn that imagery and the bitch walking through the city while it burns down with the screaming asmr going on behind him my god. We stan. But like the downside of, letting Emma and Ray get to him before he commits first degree murder makes the whole thing lose a lot of his value. In the manga (oh my god look at me being a pretentious manga fan please) it fit more of his ideas- he never backed down, and he planned for Emma coming and trying to stop him. Of course he wanted Emma to stop him, he wanted it with all his fucking heart he was pleading for it to happen but the man wouldn’t give himself what he wanted if he was held at gunpoint. He knew she’d come and he made absolutely sure she wouldn’t be able to stop him. So when she came and he said “you’re too late”??? It kind of said it all, in the fact that he was disappointed that he got his way. He still thought he did the right thing, but deep down there where he shoved all his thoughts and feelings he desperately wanted to be saved from himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Feel free to eviscerate me if these are not Correct he is just my favorite girlboss who I feel the need to yell at

#tpn #the promised neverland #yakusoku no neverland #tpn norman #norman tpn #essay post #god why do i do this to myself #dear god help me this is 5000 words #rowan's hyperfixation essays

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