#and that made me think of my ex but i didnt wanna say bc that sounds dumb and as though im hung up on them (which im genuinely not)

[toastsnaffler]

ugh had to get up bc I'm too awake to fall back asleep and started getting hunger cramps

#FINE ILL EAT CEREAL #also made myself rly sad bc i was thinking abt phone calls and it made me think abt how i DONT miss my ex thats long dead and buried #but I DO miss there being someone who was always happy to hear from me or hear my voice any time of day to say anything at all #and always being happy to hear from them in the same way and just. that simple casual kind of love and how easy it was every time #not even talking just how easy it was to be around them and in the same space even if we werent directly interacting #and i love my friends but its not really the same as that i always feel like the longer i talk the more im keeping them from other things #and theyre pulling away and ik my roommate has said before she doesnt rly get anything out of just. being around ppl without- #direct interaction which is ok like thats just how it works for her but also it means whenever im talking to her theres a little desperate #part of me thats like u have to keep talking bc otherwise shes going to get bored and leave except she'll do that either way bc ill run- #out of anything interesting to say.. but again its not the same anyway tho bc we're just friends theres no obligation or anything #not that it was obligation with my ex gah. but it was just so mutual and EASY i dont knowww #i think its on my mind as well bc my roommate was talking abt friends of hers she can just. Always dip into conversation with #and that made me think of my ex but i didnt wanna say bc that sounds dumb and as though im hung up on them (which im genuinely not) #and ik she feels like that abt one of our mutual friends bc theyre much closer than we are and its cute how much she talks abt him and #how obvious her love for him is and i dont begrudge them that at all but i just miss having that myself with someone #but its been so long and itll probably be a long time yet before i ever have smth like that again. if ever man #and it doesnt even matter anyway bc i guess it wasnt ever actually mutual and my ex denied a lot of it afterwards and ik part of that they #were just saying to hurt me (which worked) but it probably was partly true too. maaaan. #i just miss having a favourite person and i miss being someones favourite person even if that wasnt real in the end and i wasnt #i miss at least THINKING i was someones favourite person like back when doubt rarely occurred to me bc i cared so much abt them #like it would hardly cross my mind they didnt. or if it did it was still ok bc it was easily reassured #ahhhh im going to drive myself crazy girl i need to Stop. it doesnt matter its not within my reach anymore but. wails pitifully #sorry for being so pathetic and needy and starved on main in my defence im sick. im gonna lie down for another half hour #and then i guess get ready for work. at least if im working i wont be thinking abt this shit anymore it doesn't matter #ougrhrhhhhgougrh. #.diaries

[tojisun]

Firstly, I'm not a hater. If you're so incapable of reading, it's your problem! I never criticized her work, specifically the character. Can't I share my opinion? I just can't imagine Simon with such a person; it's purely impossible for me to imagine Simon liking such a person, okay? AND YES, I KNOW IT'S A FANFIC. This blog is a safe space for me; I often write about what I think, and many of my asks or thoughts have been received very well. Secondly, oh my god, I didn't know you could filter tags. Thanks for that advice; it's already done.

Sun, once again, if my comment offended you  you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you or your work. I love you very much, and I adore your work. I apologize if my ask hurt or bothered you.

hi hi!! thank u sm for sending this to clarify!!

and im sorry too for how ur ask had snowballed (but pls do understand that it is not made out of exaggeration as there has always been an influx of criticisms on works when authors dont ask for it; ur ask is not the first and would not be the last- it has been one, though, that was not truly made with the intention of hurting and for that im thankful too)

thats not to say that ur not allowed to share ur opinion!! but that goes on my end too. it just so happened that urs is a ‘criticism’ (using this term loosely) while mine is a fic/work. the avenues we used to share our opinions differ so pls also understand why reactions about our opinions vary. so when u sent the “please stop with this xyz” on my page that has reiterated how writing xyz is personal and fun to me, it was startling

that said, im glad that ur able to figure out how to use the filter system!! it helped me bunch when i didnt wanna see stuff my moots would reblog bc my main blog is linked to other blogs so sometimes when im out of a fandom for years now (ex. marvel) i filter them too!!

this got sooooor long but thank u sm for reaching back out!! stay warm and hydrated, and take care ^v^

#anon #ask

[catholicwhorexxx]

every single thought i had abt one piece live action

alvida is so hot im praying when she comes back she’ll have the slip slip fruit and still be fat please god.

introducing zoro with baroque works instead of with helmeppo was fucking genius, and mr 7’s redesign is pique. and the gore of zoro killing mr 7? sets a great fucking precedence.

binks brew playing in the background of the flash back where luffy eats his fruit >>>>>

i want a copy of nami’s book as merch

i love the little homage to the original of luffy planning to just fly in

having luffy be there for the scene with helmeppo and rika >>>>

ive said it once ill say it a thousand times how do they manage to make zoro even gayer. ill never get over the whimpering caption with helmeppo just crawling on the ground.

nami girlboss girlslaying even

zoro you cryptic little gay freak “then he owes me money” “didnt wanna make a mess”

im mad they didnt make captain morgan tell helmeppo he didnt beat him as a kid is bc he’s too pathetic to hit.

captain “we should be working for the same team” morgan. bro you are an elder fag preying on a young gay man. THE SHOULDER TOUCH???

roronoa “i kinda got my own thing going on” zoro

“7 days? i could catch up on my sleep”

“when i get down from here, you’ll be the one begging.” MY GOD YOU FAG

tag urself im the bead of sweat in zoros eyebrow

“get lost”

“i am.. lost”

“heyhey no. dont do that.”

my god nami’s actress is perfect the body language, tone of voice, its so accurate to how she was pre joining strawhats. and GOD her facial expressions in her first fight scene w luffy…

zoro almost dipping then deciding he wants to fight lmao i love it

“arent you that drunk from the bar?”

“glad i made an impression.”

morgan you didnt capture shit

inaki did a great job making luffy still look animated.

zoro cutting helmeppos hair is so fucking funny

garp knew exactly who it was when he first got that call

buggy youre sitting like SUCH a slut

buggy loves talking abt shanks like he’s an ex boyfriend

i wanna see what else buggy can do

zoro definitely had sex with cabaji and then killed his brother

i could watch yasopp shoot people all day

shanks casting is so well done im obsessed with the fact that none of the characters are the conventionally attractive roblox looking types

also the timing of luffy being drowned and the flashback to shanks saving him… timed perfectly great depiction of ptsd. same thing with zoros flashbacks.

“why gonna rob the place blind?”

“at least a little blurry”

i love the wlw mlm solidarity with nami and zoro, oh my god the scene of them getting dressed and nami picking out a shirt for him??? obsessed.

zoros pink ass drink

FUNKY BAR MIRROR BALL???

“arlonggg babyyyy”

“you dont think she like. like likes me do you?”

i love the way the meowmin twins move when theyre fighting in the stairwell

luffy grinning like a freak through kuros blades :333 and then the fucking thumbs up

luffys look to nami when kaya says they have a ship

damn they really just fucking murked merry

“they do know im the captain right?”

“let them have this one”

“we are” playing while they leave syrup village im obsessed

nami laughing for probably the first time in years at usopp and luffy fighting over who’s the captain

i could write an essay about the fear in garps eyes in that flashback (im going to)

“which way is port?”

“the left!”

“neverrrrrrr!”

“fine ya brat have it yer wae”

garp laughing bc he’s actually invested in his job again

the camera lense while luffy is smelling the baratie is fucking hilarious

“add food to the equation and suddenly he knows how to navigate”

ive said it once i’ll say it a thousand times inaki does a great fucking job making luffy still look animated

ill never get over sanji’s accent its so fucking fan indulgent

the little angry kick after he puts em on the fucking ground

“welcome to our shitty restaurant where the only thing worse than the ambiance is the food. my name is sanji what can i get for you?”

“any drinks one of our signature cocktails to help you choke down your meal?”

“apologies madam didnt see you there. would you care for an apéritif to start?”

sanji is such a freak oh my god i love him

zoro pointing it out is so fan indulgent

zoro grinning like an idiot when nami says “i need a drink”

im obsessed with usopps fishbowl

sanji’s smile talking about the all blue WAHHHH

i love live action sanji cooking

his fucking theme playing oh my god

zoro and nami comparing usopp to a sea slug

“i had friends”

“swords dont count”

“i had one friend”

“hell one more than i have”

zoro you fucking freak

why is he standing like that fucking fag

“because youre my friend you idiot” NAMI WAHHHHHHHH

zeff is so hot omfg

sanji’s desperate baby scream breaks my heart

i really like they went using with the original manga plotline for sanji’s backstory

“id eat both arms and legs to save zoros life”

putting buggy in the bag is so fucking funny

that zoom in on sanji yelling “zeff” what was that

god i love sanji and zeffs fight

zoro waking up scene is fucking adorable

zoro you fucking devoted freak i love you

ill never get over sanji’s theme

“the only thing i wanna hear from you is dinner specials”

baby nami is perfectly cast

BLACK NOJIKO BLACK NOJIKO

buggys body pinned up at arlongs base lmfao

“arlong has bled us dry”

“then find more blood”

i love helmeppo sitting like that lmao

bellemere’s death scene always makes me tear up jesus christ

“i thought itd take a lot more liquor to bring out your mutinous side.”

why was arlongs speech edited like that oh my god

“of course i will” makes me tear up every fucking time

nami drawing her maps in fucking blood is such great symbolism

“you look tired, maybe you should take a break”

“maybe you ought to get back in the kitchen”

“quit screwing around! luffy needs us!”

“you just got here you dont know what luffy needs.”

“i know he needs my cooking.”

“putting two slices of bread together?”

telling buggy to shut up in unison lmao

“im gonna get outta here.” while flipping them off

“fucking clown.”

USOPP EXPLODING STAR U GOAT

“i get it zeff was mean to you boohoo”

“you dont ever badmouth nami.”

“now youve done it.”

god i love taz skylar

“all great fighters call out there finishing moves”

“yeah youre gonna fit in just fine.”

SANJI WANTING TO HUG NAMI AND HER RUNNING PAST LMFAO

“back for seconds must have liked it.”

“at least i dont need 3 swords to prove im a man.”

garp jus beating the shit out of luffy

nami hitting nezumi >>>>>

god i fucking love nami talking at bellemeres grave

“i know what it means to fight for your family.”

luffy’s reaction to his bounty im in love

koby what was that gay ass look you want to kiss luffy so bad dont you

“be a good marine.”

“be a good pirate.”

luffy mimicking his poster

god i love makino

kaya with a different tea looking healthy 😭

luffy’s bounty up under employee of the month

BUGGY AND ALVIDA BUGGY AND ALVIDA BUGGY AND ALVIDA

god i love garp

helmeppo learning to be swordsman :33

“maybe the old chef was right. it id your turn.”

“i can still take you.” not in a fight…

their jolly roger 🥺🥺🥺

#op la #one piece live action #op la spoilers

[seattlesellie]

this is super random (also this is my first msg to u hi <3) and i’m honestly asking this generally to anyone else who also happens to read this, but recently i’ve realized my sexual orientation and come to the conclusion that i’m like REALLY attracted to women (as a woman myself ofc). so obv this made me also think abt how someday i’m gonna have to tell ppl close to me abt this but i’m literally losing my mind cause i’m NAWT vulnerable especially w/ my parents 😭 and also i just now was watching a tiktok live that was full of homophobic ppl and whenever i see that on the internet, it makes me wanna go deeper in the shell (or closet lmao) that i already am in. like it makes me realize how many horrible ppl there are that won’t accept smth so simple (i’m also very emotional as u can see 😍) so like tbh i’m not sure what i’m seeking here but ig i’m just curious if u or anyone else has felt like this/what helped u come out? like it’s so hard for me to be open and as someone who recently graduated and is going to uni, in a completely diff country alone, i’m gonna have more freedom and if i were to date another girl, it’d feel unfair to my parents if i didnt say anything prior abt my identity. ik they’re also very supportive, which i’m thankful for, but i just HATEEE vulnerability. idk man :( it’s also very weird finally realizing more abt myself. it makes me SO happy yet so so so scared? aarrghh idk sorry abt this long message, u seem like the nicest person and this place feels safe, so i just felt like i could ask/find some kind of relatability. 💗 sorry again for this long ass rant LOLS 🌟

okokok im gonna tell u my coming out story because i can awfully relate to this ?? n adding a read more cos this is so long sorry <333 🤧

literally knew i liked girls my entire life and like suppressed the shit out of it. would try and date guys all throughout highschool and would feel so terrible afterwards… but like you, i was super uncomfortable with that type of vulnerability and also barely had any gay friends, let alone any gay female friends. so i spent my life just thinking im gonna be in the closet forever !! until i met my now ex gf, she would constantly be sleeping over— but i did the classic thing of telling my parents she was just my new best friend, until one day my dad was like… be so fr rn are you two dating. like you said, my parents are also very liberal and supportive (especially my dad), but still— it made me panic and drop a mug and deny deny deny !! then, after being together for like 6 months it was incredibly hard to hide it, and obvs she felt super uncomfortable bc i was super closeted and she was super out. so i kind of had to come out to my parents (i hid under a blanket and told them i have an important thing to say n then they already somehow knew). my parents and i literally never talked about these things like my mom didn’t even know about my first kiss or literally NOTHING about me, we didn’t have that type or relationship at all so i can relate to u so hard !!but like here’s the thing— i don’t think it would be unfair to your parents, this is your story to tell and you should do it when you feel comfortable enough, and if it takes you dating a girl for that then so be it. you shouldn’t worry about other peoples feelings about this, as this is yours to tell and not theirs! as long as you’re in a safe environment, coming out can truly be such a big fucking relief !! like that absolute weight that drops out of your chest is so so freeing. if the people who are close to you love you— they will accept you. if they won’t? truthfully, they don’t deserve u and never have. about the homophobia, its always going to be here, unfortunately for us hateful and bigoted people will always exist, and that can be extremely stressful and painful, which is why surrounding yourself with people from your own community is so so important and necessary. uni is such a good place to do that !! so many new people to meet and especially queer people to surround yourself with !! i super understand your fears but the good things that happen after you come out— that feeling of no longer needing to hide yourself is so so worth it 💗💗💗💗

#𓏲 ࣪₊♡𓂃 anon 🎀

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

#queer #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #queer community #in need of advice #queer advice #aroace #aromantic #asexual #bisexual #questioning #help. me. #utterly confused 💥

[sexisdisgusting]

ALSO SORRY FOR SO MANY ASKS DJHDFJHDJHD

but do you or any other radblr lesbian girlies have advice for dealing with a "conventionally attractive" body aka an oversexualized body? big ass, big tits, small waist. I hate how i was groomed into believing that coping with sex was okay. i hate how i tried "being more feminine". like i can never get that money back and i can never take back the times ive let those men use me. it sucks. what sucks even more was that ofc it was other women, the handmaidens, who were the main ones to perpetuate that agenda. Because if men were like "yeah its okay to wanna be raped again <3 and getting with men to play out past trauma" then everyone would know their intentions. but no, it was seeing all the women be like "omg this helped me a lot <333 !! and im so much more happy now!!". showing off their age regression stuff. god i hate it. Without those women, there wouldnt have been anything to begin with. I wish more women saw through that BS.

also, to cope with gender dysphoria (like actual gender dysphoria) all ive been doing is just objectifying myself. since my body is very "feminine". its the fucking Porn Artist stereotype. I hate it. I feel like a walking object. I feel like its why I wanted to be a boy, like i wish I had no tits and no ass. because then i wouldnt be sexualized. Buying clothes to "hide" my body doesnt help because then i feel bulky/stuffy and overwhelmed. I hate how i use my body for social validation since because my face is deformed, its all I basically have.

lol im kinda glad though that I struggle with this in a way.... because it made me detrans. Especially seeing as i didnt even feel accepted as trans since I was a transmed. And then seeing these "omg trans healthcare saves lives, tho!!" people go about supporting literal AGPs truly peaked me. When my one ex friend group all trooned out at once, all the men being AGP anime / porn obsessed freaks who previously made fun of my trauma and victim mentality (despite me literally being marginalized) .... now theyre all pretending to be oppressed despite being white men from upper middle class families. Like damn, I AM NOT being in that community then. If that gets accepted? Yet me and my gender dysphoria diagnosis at a young age wasnt? Then nah. Its all nonsense.

i wish lesbian spaces werent taken over bc all this shit be isolating. Like im so sick of sex and porn and all that, i want LOVE goddamnit. Love and friendship. I am so burnt out, dude.

HIIIII MY LOVE, thank you so much for your ask

ugh i can feel first hand how tired you are with this shit in your wording, and i can relate, its really fucking draining

reading about your journey was really interesting, thank you for sharing it with me, im so happy you feel im a safe space for you because thats what i aspire to be <3

ALSO u dont have to apologize for sending a lot of asks, i love it

i feel for you, mootina

its hard to truly love your body and accept it as yours especially when you see pornsick idiots fetishize it

i read recently about the concept of body neutrality, and its where instead of praising, or hating your body, you simply thank it for doing all it does for you, i think perhaps looking into that will help you feel more in tune with yourself, and your body

also, of course this goes without saying, but feminist literature can help you, and also researching the female anatomy

in my struggles with my body, learning more about the capabilities of it helped me a lot with how i felt regarding it, and made it easier to tune out the fuckery of whatever anyone else has to say about it

i love you so much, ill leave the floor open for anyone else who has advice for you

thank you again for entrusting me with this <3

#asks #group questions

[girlwithfish]

yall my ex was badddd when it came to my tumblr i remember it turned into a FIGHT for some reason pretty early into the relationship bc idk i think he didnt know i had one?? idk and like for like a month or two i realized he had foudn my tumblr or smth cuz like when id b on it i wouldn't like hide my phone so idk ig he saw my url and searched it up and downloaded the app so he cld look at my blog and he didnt tell me this but.sometimes id see on his phone like before he put it away that he was on my blog and i just knew and then in december i remember over a winter break he like "confessed" ig.to me that hed been lookig at my blog and im like oh ok idk if i want u checking up on it since its kinda like a diaru to me and he made such a big deal out of it and basically the resolution was he gets to look at my blog cuz i just kinda gave in to him lolol. idk i dont think i want my current guy to b checking up on my blog i dont wanna hide it from him but idk ? am i wrong for that

And like the thing w my ex is ebery time i was sad or smth or dealing w smth id post abt it right cuz blabla online diary space to vent safe space idk but hed like scold me for that or look down on me or have something to say abt it which is ok u can habe ur opinion but like telling me i shldnt do it or idk ig he thought it was unhealtby for me to blog abt stuff if i was sad but idk like jts my life? idk lmao. maybe im being unreasonable. but it just made me feel uncomfortable like i had to filter what i posted cuz my ex would look at my blog. and hed also bring up stuff i said on my blog during arguments to prove a point or like it felt like mocking eben if it wasnt his intent but hed b like "and u said on ur blog xyz ohu dont wanna do this but ur doing it" oh "ur sad abt xyz" idk if im explaining it right but like bringing up personal stuff i said on my own blog that has to do w me and not him in an argument just.made wld make me rly.mad and then id delete my blog hence #all the remakes slay

[jasmine-angel]

im gonna say it on here bc it’s safer than my other socials atm. i don’t think im trans (fully). i was dead sure for 9? years. i feel like i am losing a part of myself - i am ACTUALLY gaining something but idk my heart is breaking a bit.

i was on T for 2 and a half years. i was gonna get top surgery (and decided not to for diff reasons). i changed my name. the sex on my passport is M. like. i was SO SURE.

now after all this time i’ve finally been unpacking shit in therapy and also learning about autism. and … yeah. i fucked up lmao.

it is entirely on me, i chose to do all i did and i chose to get done what i did. i consented to everything and i do not regret it. i just feel like… let down. that i wasn’t offered the support i needed earlier to understand myself and how i would feel more comfortable.

i am happy w a lot of T changes! like super happy. it made me feel like my own person. but.. yeah.

i think i would consider myself agender but i dont wanna say i identify that way bc its less of an identity and more of just my general understanding of gender. i have never understood gender. probably an autism thing! but i just DONT GET IT. i dont know how it is meant to ‘feel’ or how u even know which one u fit in.

since i was a child i just couldn’t grasp gender like everyone else and i guess that’s why i transitioned bc i never felt like a real girl. but then i didnt ‘feel’ like a boy either. and then i decided to come out as nonbinary but idk. i never ‘felt’ like that either.

to make matters more complicated, my abusive ex stepdad would bully and belittle me for being afab. he made me HATE being born how i was. the csa i felt was only because of my being born this way. no wonder i wanted to get away from it all. i refused to believe he could have an impact like that when i was 16 or so and people were suggesting it. it made me feel even more out of control. all i wanted was to be in charge of my body for once. transitioning felt like getting that control back (one of the reasons im so grateful for it).

in an ideal world gender wouldn’t exist n we would all just utilise hormones and surgery to feel good in our skin much like any other affirming surgeries.

for now i will use they/she pronouns. but idc really. gender is confusing and unimportant to me. i care more for aesthetics lmao ..

i hope this makes some sense n if anyone resonates with it plz dm me :,) i feel quite alone currently. i know it’s a very odd experience but i hope someone somewhere gets it.

#autism #gender #lgbt #they she #agender #jaz rambles about gender #to an audience of no-one #jasper rambles #trauma #trauma and gender #afab #csa mention

[lilliumrorum]

Okay guys weed story time *a new tradition* (Every time I am in an interesting rotation or situation I will post it)

The first time I ever got high I was 14(DO NOT SMOKE UNDERAGE YALL) and my friend had invited me back to his house after we had been in a parade for AFJROTC.

Originally we were supposed to go back to get his money and then walk back to the restaurant (which was all the way across the city from his house). On the way there, I was still wearing my Combo-1 Uniform (cap included) and this important for later in this recount of events. After nearly being attacked by a dog, we made it to his house.

He told me about how he fucked his girl and got caught (my at the time bestfriend) on the couch and I remember looking at him like ???

We went back to his room to get his wallet and I instantly smelled bud. He noticed the lil smile on my face (I had smoked before but never got high) and he was like "You wanna smoke, bubbles?" (Btw this was my nickname bc of an inside joke in ROTC)

And this is how it went:

"Sure, but nothing's gonna happen. 'Never works"

A wicked grin spread across his face as he passed me a wax pen and uttered:

"Something will happen, follow my lead. If you don't feel it you're fuckin immortal."

So as I suck the life out of his cart he puts on Rammstein and blasts it on his fucking speakers, and he makes me hold the hit in for as long as I can before I cough. THEN HE WHIPS OUT A FUCKING PEACE PIPE WITH AN AXE ON IT.

"Now you're gonna hit this, trust me that pen aint shit"

I was already beginning to feel the effects of the wax, but I trusted him.

After taking 8 hits off of the pipe he had me take 5 dabs (Fuckin love dabs) and I was starting to get paranoid.

He just took a picture and laughed at me and said he was gonna send it to his gf (my best friend at the time) and then MADE ME HIT A FUCKING BONG.

After 15 more minutes of fucking around with his guitar and fumbling about, he took me to the garage with a joint (Mike Tyson knockout strain) and a pipe and we finished them both off.

"How's life right now, Lily?"

"Oh its goooooood." I giggled with a dumb-ass smile and a thumbs up.

He laughed for like a minute straight and I was bewildered bc like pls stop this is not funny I'm new to being high and I'm trying my best to breathe rn I'm breathing manually.

So he led me outside and whipped out his phone and was like "What does it look like"

I have the video if yall wanna see it but I looked terrible

"ITS SO FUCKING GREEN HOLY SHIT IT'S LIKE GTA WHEN YOU HIT FRANKLINS BONG AND THE FISHEYE CAMERA MIXED WHAT THE FUCKKKK IM TRIPPING FUCKING TESTICLES MATE."

So anyways I ended up almost getting run over two times bc I was bumbling around and my shoes were making my feet blister and he didnt make an effort to help me. After walking for four miles we finally got to the restaurant and he ordered me a wrap and bought it for me (which was really sweet) and a smoothie, but my eyes were red as shit and I needed to go to sleep so I decided to nap on the table.

There we were, still in our uniforms, but I looked higher than NASA at this point and I eventually was asked if I was alright and caught a few stares.

I ran to the bathroom bc I almost threw up.

After 15 minutes he walks in the bathroom and drags my ass out of the stall and starts fucking hollering laughing and saying shit like HAHAHA I KNEW I COULD WIN or something like that and called himself my weed demon like ?????

He barely even smoked compared to me...

My mum's name flashed on my phone and he picked it up for me and claimed I threw up at his house and I was going home (It was close to the restaurant so I would be home soon) and she was like OKAY:D and all happy bc she thought I wasn't depressed anymore since I was with a friend I guess.

After he walked me home I immediately looked down and averted eye contact with my mom and her ex and just speed walked my ass to my room with my leftovers.

I heard a quiet "I think shes high"

And just said NO. not a yell, just fuckin

NO.

and when I woke up that night I fucked up that food and smoothie and facetimed him and his gf while devouring it.

Experience rating: 7/10

Good food, Almost got killed, almost got my ass beat by my mom, guitar, good music, Indica.

@konigslittleliebling wanna share your experience with a reblog bae?

[webslingingslasher]

J OKAY OKAY OMG IM SO GLAD I DIDNT CONTINUE ANYTHING

my friend just texted me saying that when he was w his ex, he cheated on her a few times?? so at least like red flag averted 😭 so it was just me getting attention from like a man whore!!! (so fun)

literally the SECOND I sent in the ask omg

anyways now im gonna go back to being sad and lonely! oh well (at least im not with a fucking cheater!!)

-🦋

oh to like clarify even tho I’m sure you know he basically just wanted to hook up but I am nottttt ready for that yet 😭 (I wanna be tho) so he and I were texting bc apparently he was still interested (nope… just lonely and I think he thought I was gonna be like easy or smt (also sorry if this doesn’t even make sense)

we do not stan male cheaters 🤢🤢🤢🤢 sis you made it out alive. we’re proud!!!

#🦋 anon

[miamigrandprix]

dts s1e3! AND e4

-while they first showed the baku maxiel crash in ep2, i'll talk abt it here bc its more focused on in this episode: -now that i've seen the 2010 turkish grand prix, this to me is so so reminiscent to mark & seb's crash. long term driver vs fresh faced golden boy, red bull ~trying~ to be neutral but clearly favoring the younger one, while in MY opinion in both cases it was max/seb more at fault -so daniel's choices make so much sense through this lense, seeing how history was repeating itself -i must say, 🙌 RESPECTFULLY 🙌 claire williams is a milf. hope she's doing wonderfully nowadays -the way sergey sirotkin is literally invisible i was even like who tf is that. sorry u got chewed up and spit out by the f1 machine buddy -in monaco qualifying its an interesting rewatch bc i actually know how things work, so the lil radio snippets actually make sense to me. interestin -this is the first episode where they have a truly well set up victory narrative. real life doesn't usually fit into this good cookie cutter narrative, but daniel's story in this episode really does that and it rly sets the bar for good dts episodes IN MY OPINION -i know that max in this episode gets pointed to a lot as see???? dts edits max to make him look meaner than he is!! and i just dont think thats the full picture. sure, they only show him being grumpy and rash and immature and they dont show any of his goofier side, but 2018 max WAS a big hothead. i honestly think it makes it narratively better to see how immature and short fused he was in season 1 to compare to how he is now!

episode 4!!

-CYRIL COME HOME THE KIDS MISS YOU -oh my god love being reminded of the iconic daniel conversation with his MOM "have a good race love you" "yeah alright. gangster ✌️" -now knowing hondas history gives so much more insight into the nuance of the red bull-honda deal. with them struggling a team and then selling to brawn, to the mclaren honda deals that went horribly, i see it as so much more of a risk than i ever did first watch -which leads me to DANIEL'S CHOICE MAKING SENSE. sure, in hindsight we can see how it failed horribly but it made sense! from the bottom of my heart i dont believe that red bull wasnt gonna prioritize max, and i'd wanna get out of that too! sure it was risky, but if daniel didnt make the jump, would we be lamenting that he didnt instead? i think either choice would've likely gone downhill anyway :( -the exes trying to be amicable bc they still work together vibes are Hilarious -christian's whole 'cyril is an emotional guy' is fascinating because christian is SO emotional!!! the difference is his main emotion is anger, which men tend to convince themselves ~doesnt count~ -'he needs a driver AND an engine 😂😂😂' ate left no crumbs king behavior

#dtsrewatch #she speaks #watching 5-7 today!! catching up

[magnoliamyrrh]

@osmanthusleaf djdks im so sorry for replying in post i didnt wanna cut this up into a million bits, uve not even got to read all this cuz its long ive just got a lot going through my mind and im bad at shutting up once my brain starts going sorry 😭

for sure & well said. i fully agree, and understand having more care and knowledge for your own peoples issues, its natural; like u know example apart from ur own ex., i do know and have looked into the sex trafficking situation in the rest of the world and it horrifies me just as much and it is all connected, but end of the day, i understand most and focus most on the issues in my area and thats what i can give my two cents on more than anything. or, yea, i know abt plenty of things going on around the world, but theres also Tons that i have no clue on and overall i end up knowing more and spending more time on mostly things that i have some sort of personal connection to, like even this thing which i spend time on cuz of my own trauma; were all bound to be more immediately concerned if our own house is burning down w us in it than if the house a mile away also is, and were bound to be more interesting in why our own house burned down and who burned it down than the one a mile away, especially if the two arent connected directly. its past a point impossible for the psyche to b up to date w so much info, especially so much info on bad shit, to keep track of all of it and to feel something about all of it all the time.... if anything, i think the constant info on bad stuff everywhere happening which,,, for the most part we can do little on, is part of whats made our generations more doomful, hopeless, and lost - end of the day its good to care, but weve just got to pick some things in particular to rly care abt and if we can, try to understand them and do something about them, and hope if enough ppl do that for enough things they care about while working together, things may get better...... but also, if u say u care abt some issue, i reckon its important to care too abt other ppl caught up in it, even if its not a main focus and not dismiss it bc its not ur own shit directly 🤷‍♀️

i guess yea, the lack of knowledge isnt what bothers me at all bc god knows we all lack knowledge of plenty of things and frankly we kinda have to for our sanity. its the attitude that does and we all do it too often. like some while ago i was telling my mom u know, we (in broad ethnic&national terms) have some sort of responsability to the ppl that have been opressed in our lands and still deal w the consequences and weve got to care abt that history and struggle, not even in a sins of the ancestors way but in a we all have to try to be better way, and her first reply before we talked more was, well, whose going to help us and pay us back for communism, or serfdom, or imperialism, or slavery, or poverty? and havent we got enough of our own issues? and its like yea 😭 the world isnt fair and theres endless cycles of ppl fucking each other over and its a lot, which is why we have to try to just be kind and decent and help each other and rise each other up and come together as hard as it may be and as endlessly annoying this species may be 😭 and weve got to spend more time on how were similar and can understand each other, rather than always predominantly looking at differences, or pointing fingers, or giving in fully to our good old tribalistic mentality. theres gotta b a balance and id like to think and hope, if we tried, we'd indeed find out in many regards we are more similar than we are different, and all more connected than apart ..... if anything, i think thats something that the loss of spirituality in the "modern" world hasnt helped, bc it was one of those things which bound us to universality and connection

and yea, part of it definetely is social media and also current academia and the general cultural mindsets floating around, theres a whole lot of boiling down of super complex shit into short tidbits or black and white things, bc its easier to digest and faster (also, that overboard american centrism that goes beyond being concerned w ur own stuff, while the rest of the world has to know abt the us). i think too, were all bound to have reactionary and defensive attitudes to things especially when dealing w years of shit from ppl, and when we hold a lot of pain and anger, and it leads too to ppl taking things in bad faith which is something ive dealt w too and had to learn to hold myself back on, bc ive definetely got a tendency for it for sure... and its frankly a whole lot easier to point fingers endlessly or to play the opression olympics than look at the god awful messy complexity of it all and how were all caught up w it,, and frankly, i reckon that it feels better to an extent too... it feels/safer/ and simpler i think, than to say, oh god, has truly this whole species been capable of so much hororr? is there nowhere that was or is good, and pure, and untained, and truly a lot better?.. and its i reckon nicer too, to think of things in terms of purely victim and victimizer, than to think abt how plenty of us, most ppl throughout histoy actually if looking at it systemically, have been as u said, a messy contradiction of both....and uhh what's that bible quote, why are u pointing out the spec in your neighbors eye, but not the log in your own? take the log out of your own, and then you may help your neighbor w the spec. and yet, we just dont like doing that much as humans cuz its harder and uncomfortable, its something we have to force ourselves to do and train ourselves for. and unfortunately its not something that is taught very much either

,,,, and yea on top of that too youre definetely right, ethnicity and race and even culture especially in regards to opression and historical and current day dynamics (especially on an international scale) are so incredibly messy, changing, and mostly a whole bunch of stuff weve made up and keep making up and changing all the time and choosing to define ourselves by or to oppose or imposing on other ppl, that it is hard shit to keep track of and detangle. ur example is a good one and in some ways the same sure can be said for the balkans, the question of if were white or not and to who and where and why and when could go on forever, and our history sure has been when taken as a whole, as both opressed and opressor. america too in particular focuses a lot on race (where u could say other parts of the world might focus more on ethnicity, tribe, religion, or class, even nationalism etc, and as far as ill say, i think we need to focus more on class here), and its had a particular kind of rigid understanding of it, and i know from talking to ppl born here in academia and outside and online and whatnot, that a lot of ppl are surprised to find out how ethnicity and race and racism xenophobia and all that shit are different in even south america for a closer exmaple, but in the whole world in general 🤷‍♀️ which aint an issue at all cuz again theres shit we all dont know, but ive also seen plenty of ppl b past surprised or confused, trying to impose us understandings of shit elsewhere... and also, yea, we get focused on things here to the point where its forgotten in a lot of things what it means that were also living in the imperial core at the same time, especially in america

,, , , , i guess w my complaining abt this sort of stuff broadly speaking, it mostly bothers me tbh when i see it come from ppl who do position themselves as like,,,, social thinkers, social activists, or ppl who look into all this and care and speak about it, as self proclaimed educators for others especially, or as some form of academic. not neccessarly like random ppl who occasionally talk on things or vent frustrations or whatnot (cuz also, we all talk abt things casually we havent spend idk how much time on thinking abt or knowing extensively abt)....,,, bc when u say ur that or hold urself up to that, or say u know youre talking or doing whatever to teach ppl or try to help society be better then... welp,,,,, theres a certain responsability (?) and need to try to hold urself up to that ... and i guess yea, its also my personal thing bc after idk a lifetime of always being fascinated w messy complexities and years of cultural anthropology, my brains very focused and fascinated by complexity and contradiction and endless webs of connections 🤷‍♀️ and it does bother me when ppl want to throw around their degrees or education (which dont even matter all that much, plenty of ppl with degrees who dont think too well, and plenty of ppl without them who could run circles around me when im having a good day) or even their own self taught info, and they want to say theyre ppl who generally care abt opression or theyre caring ppl or theyre better than others or whatnot, as a way to say ppl should listen to them and they know better dont uhhh,,,,, , , take the time to really,, think too much abt what theyre saying and educating on and if its actually helpful

#im sorry i hope this doesnt come across as some preachy shit or something im just. i ended up in a whole train of thought

[khodorkovskaya]

After I split with my ex, it took me a while to get my head around it, like justifying to myself that I wasnt in the wrong etc andthat the way he was treating me was wrong and I shouldn't feel guilty about breaking it off etc.... I ended up trying to do like a 3rd point of view perspective thing... so like, I would explain everything that happened and how I felt and then try to see it from another point of view so like this other point of view would go. . "So you didnt reply to his message within an hour because you were literally in a college class which he knew beforehand, and he took the huff and wouldnt speak to you for over day as punishment?? You shouldn't not feel bad about ending it" obvs I had more extreme examples too lol but I dony wanna delve into them much it's like baggage ahaha

But afterwards, like when i was over him and had no feelings towards him etc, i thought i was fine and then discovered i wasnt... so like i could meet someone and really like them and find them attractive etc, and their personality and vibe really well and when I started to fancy this guy I was like omg yes thisnis nice and he acc seems a lot nicer than my ex woop woop. But then as soon I started to think about being in an actual romantic relationship with him I couldnt, I felt physically sick and anxious??? I literally couldn't face the idea of a relationship being like my previous one and I realised that while I was over him, I had some other issues as a result of the relationship I had to deal with instead.

I did get over it though

I've actually forgotten the point I was making with this message now so I do apologise for that sorry

But I thought he hadnt cared too, like he would delete every single pic of us literally within an hour of us breaking up.... he blocked me, and things he didnt block me on, he would post stuff like "good riddance" and stuff that basically made out he didnt care and it was all me etc and that I meant nothing to him....... he would add all these girls and shared their photos with hearts etc....

Anyway like a few months later he literally tried to get in touch saying he was sorry and he missed me and thought about me everyday etc and couldnt get over me

I ignored him though and that was that

I guess this is just a bit of a sharing story, I hope it helps in some way????? Sorry if it doesnt though.......

yeah, the looking at what happened from an outsider's perspective is a really good method. makes things a lot clearer and easier to see. and yeah thanks for sharing your story, it makes me feel less alone <3

but yeah, im definitely scared of falling in love again. but i really hope that the next time it happens, im gonna be more mature and sensible and things will be clearer for me. i mean obviously that's gonna be the case cos i fell in love with B when i was 17 and even now things would be different. but the thought of being in a relationship any time soon makes me very anxious. i think my next serious relationship is gonna be in like 5 years from now. for now the vibe is celibacy all the way!

i wonder how i would feel if B reached out to me again. bc i know it's very stupid of me, but it makes me sad that he didn't try to get me back, you know? like he didn't fight for me. he tried a little bit and maybe i have high expectations, but it didn't feel like it was enough. a deep dark side of me wishes he suffered more. and don't get me wrong, he did suffer. i left him without a warning and i still feel terribly guilty about that. the night i left he stood outside my parents' balcony and shouted my name and thinking about that makes my skin crawl. i feel awful. but at the same time something about that was so satisfying bc it felt like he had finally acknowledged me and my feelings.

but idk. maybe im spiteful and vengeful. and sadistic. but i fantasise about him begging me on his knees to take him back and crying and sleeping by my front door and following me around like a puppy dog asking for forgiveness. the last time we saw each other and had sex i strangled him, wishing i could actually choke him to death. i wanted to see despair in his eyes and absolute submission to me. like finally, after all the suffering i had endured, finally i could have full control over him and make him mine. you know?

but he never fought for me. and from a sensible perspective, that's good. he accepted my rejection and left me alone. and that kind of things requires great discipline, so good for him i guess. im thankful for that. but from like a twisted toxic perspective, i wish he'd message me saying that he misses me.

[ilshaneul]

hello ^-^!! my name is salem or sae! it has been a while since i’ve been in a roleplay, but i’m very excited to be apart of this one! anyway, in this little intro post i’ll include a little ooc info section, a run down on haneul, as well as plot ideas! i hope that this post makes navigating haneul super duper easy!

full profile ♡ plots ♡ biography ♡ mobile navi.

ooc intro

♡ as i said, my name is salem ♡ i use they/them ♡ cst time zone ♡ i am twenty two ♡ i loooove plotting over twitter or discord, so if possible i always prefer those! my twitter is ( @/mlmjjk ) and my discord is ( salem#0048 ) ♡ fun facts about me: i have three cats, so you will be hearing about this!! and haneul is one of my favorite characters, i actually made him in 2017! crazy. but this character is special to me and a whole lotta fun. so i hope that you all will enjoy him~

jun haneul

♡ jun haneul... what can i say about him? well, first of my little dashing guy is twenty-five. he was adopted, but has lived in ilsang since he was five. he went to college in town, etc etc. and about a year or two ago he became a dj at the local radio station, so you can hear him on the airwaves. ♡ when you first meet him, you’ll probably see the fun loving, jokester he usually tries to be. you may hear him be crass, flirtatious, or anything in between. you might even think he annoying, or just a funny pal! ♡ but despite the outward appearances of a very silly guy, haneul actually is pretty serious sweetheart! ♡ you won’t find anyone as sweet as him, or as good as a friend! he prides himself on being the bestie of dreams, lol. he is very considerate, and spends a Lot of time getting to know and remember even tiny details about those he loves!! bestie WILL find out your love language and give you exactly what you need! ♡ anyway tho, seriously, deep down he is a lot more than jokes and usually hides himself under the jokes so people like him more, and hide that good ol’ Anxiety and, well, honestly he has dealt with psychotic breaks and departures from reality ♡ speaking of, if you grew up in town haneul could be described as: that weird kid who was always trying uncover a made-up mystery. think ryan in buzzfeed unsolved and you have haneul. only, um, sometimes haneul is kinda right, like.. maybe he isn’t right about the ghost that lives in cabin 3, but he was one of the very first to grow obsessed with and start positing ideas about ilsangs mysteries ♡ sadly, though, very few choose to hear haneul out!! in fact, haneul has since learned that his more serious ““ delusions ““ should be kept secret. however, little does he know... they arent fully unreal! ♡ there are a few people he tells though, especially those in his little gang and his closest friends ♡ anyway... haneul is also a major charmer (manipulator kinda, on accident??? ok. manipulate, malewife, and manslaughter), and being bisexual he is kind of always trying to charm people. you Will be flirted with if you come within 10 miles of him... but is he serious?? ♡ an actual introvert but you’d never know it bc he is a rambly people loving boy ♡ also, haneul is CF8A in preplot 8. he’s still looking for his childhood friend who loves him, as well as their two stowaways... so if u like haneul think about it ;) ♡ anyway.. does this man interest you? wanna know more?? you can buy him here for $19.99! or just message me :3

general plot ideas

♡ roomies ♡ party friends ♡ they think hes crazy ♡ they are crazy with him ♡ college friends ♡ someone who didnt like him/who he didnt like ♡ crushes, oh my god. haneul had so many, hes a loverboy ♡ exes, esp college era but also hs. ♡ friends when they were kids ♡ an alien who is crazy about teasing him ♡ want more ideas? check out my full plots page!

#ilsintro #breaking the ice ig posting this early #hello besties

[maddestmewmew]

opinions on ghosts?

ok trying to get into my 2am mindset for this but also dont set ur expectations 2 high cuz this isnt something nobody has said before thats for sure lol.

i dont believe in proper ghosts. i think the idea that a "soul" or "energy" coming back, refusing to go to the afterlife bc of some "unfinished business". thats just not real sorry. i really WANT to believe in ghosts! i wanna look at a building that someone died in and go "that someone is still here". who doesnt? who doesnt wish someone lost was still right next to them? who would wanna know theyre really, truly alone?

ghosts arent real. not in the literal sense. but the whole thing thats going around, "haunt the narrative", thats how ghosts Are real, at the same time. everywhere you look, you stumble across small ghosts.

someone died in your school. dont worry this is purely hypothetical. but someone died in your school. or maybe they moved away. or maybe they graduated, or dropped out. either way. someone you saw every day, even just because you had the same route to classes, theyre gone. to you, theyre gone forever.

but theyre not. of course its not that simple. because you had the same route, from class to class. next week, you start your trek. you step foot outside english class, and the next foot carries you further. step after step. but now, theres no one with you. no one to echo your footsteps. as you walk through the hall, you realize, despite the bustling crowd, you are completely alone.

you never talked to them. you never caught their name. youre not even sure why they stopped showing up to school.

but you know now. you Literally walk this path alone.

so next year, when you find someone that takes the same route, you find yourself striking up a conversation. you see their laugh, the way their eyes sparkle. you become friends, and when you walk, you squeeze their hand tight, afraid to ever let go.

is that not itself a ghost? the character in this story, the hypothetical "you", while they didnt ever even know the first person, theyre haunted by them. they bothered to find someone else, to cling to them, out of fear, but also out of love, out of regret for memories never made, bonds never forged. you are haunted.

and, that other post, about how we carry a bit, just a bit, of everyone weve lost, one way or another. are those not ghosts? my eye passes over one of my clown dolls, and i feel a pang of guilt, of anger. One of my ex friends gave me that doll, it was the last conversation we ever had. Is it not haunted? hes not dead, but hes gone forever to me. i repeat certain phrases because of him, are they not haunted? am i not haunted?

even if you die never knowing a single person. if you live wild in the woods and everyone you knew before that is also dead. you still haunt the world. your bare footprints in the mud. the maggots that chew at your eyes. the flowers that sprout through your ribcage. small memories of you, that will carry and echo through the world, to say "we have lost." yet you continue to haunt. youre a ghost.

[spikeinthepunch]

i have my 2022 art summary queued up and just want to ramble about the last year,... lots of stuff happened, good and bad! been a strange time.

i imagine most followers around have probably been here since late 2020 but 2020-21 i did art quite a bit, but the thing that really stuck for that period was i was super involved in warrior cats RP for some time-- i love RPing and these group also got me motivated to draw too! but i feel like i kind of wasnt around in the typical way due to how consumed i was in it. i dont think i need to go into detail of every month during that time, but it wasnt until early this year where i dropped it, and i didnt really publicize in detail why due to the issues surrounding it, but it was probably the biggest impact on me this year mentally, and in terms of art direction. and i feel like itd feel good to document this in a blog after it has now blown over- and why ive shifted my direction too.

i was very happily running my own RP server for just a year before i had to close it this year and it still makes me sad, as much as i moved on. ARP was like... a very big deal for me and i cant deny that. i dont have a lot of projects i get that into or get even close to setting off with its story figured out. i wrote well over 100 pages of documents for the world and the 6 planned arcs. i drew loads of art i couldnt even share until it closed (tbh im not positive i have shared it anyways bc i didnt wanna post it here). i made a website, i made riddles and code, i developed lore that was far outside of the warrior cats scope to it basically just being original!

truly i have never developed a project as far as i made ARP and to shut it down in order to save my privacy and past trauma from being further exposed in such an inappropriate way really sucked ass. a lot. it was a situation where there was no control given to me, no sense of understanding from the community. im not writing this out now to be pointing fingers and calling out names- just venting how it took a toll on me this year. what had happened with my server was that one of my own mods decided to dig into my profiles and found an old nsfw page, which even more indirectly led to an old flist, which exposed various things i was into around 17-19, reflecting trauma and abuse id been through (in it, voiced wanting to take part in certain kinks; ex. being a victim to violence and dubious consent scenarios). this information was at first presented as a threat to minors viewing my RP page (as in "ppl can see your nsfw profile from the blog!") which wasnt true/accessible as they said it was and required many many clicks to find, and then slowly revealed to me the people exposing this were in fact two of my own mods and was promptly cut off from explaining anything else as it spread in a private mod discord in the RP community. Which was worse to me than everything else that could have happened honestly, and i only learned this second hand from a person who saw it in that discord and thought it was horrible this information was spreading like that behind my back. in some ways things were okay-- i didnt get "called out" openly as i did my best to explain how these pages were not current to those around me, and that they had dug into some deep cutting trauma and a period where i wasnt getting any help to cope properly. it still didnt stop the fact i left every other RP i was in due to connections w those exposing it, and in turn closing my own. i dont want to say im thankful i didnt get called out publicly, but the damage was bad enough in so many other ways because i couldnt continue my server at all, and in the end people's obsession with purity culture in the fandom still made them deem me "bad" because i had nsfw accounts in any capacity. thats not a space i want to be around anyways...

ill forever be thankful for those who stuck it out to the end and witnessed the documents i got to share before closing it for good. but this was a HUGE part of my life for the last years of the pandemic, and i wasnt there for warriors cats- i was there for the people i knew, and the stories i made. i still miss RP a lot, and i want to host projects like that again after moving on mentally from that ordeal.

but my 2022 art summary shows a major shift that was 100% in part to disconnecting from wcrp. humans everywhere! seriously. for a solid few months i couldnt even bare to look at anything related to ARP. i didnt want to think about how i lost this story i developed so hard for so long.

honestly didnt really start drawing properly again until the summer- my art during my HL phase was very very light and very messy. i fell into a hard depression early summer and i only crawled out when i got into mcyt- and even then i was hiding it from this blog. i think i just needed to not feel like i was "online", because August included me joining a onceler RP and again, not saying anything about it. which Weehawken was the first RP thing I had done since i closed ARP too, and it was weird. not the RP itself, it just felt weird to try that again.

and it wasnt my favorite month, i just felt so tired and exhausted- that depression was kinda lingering and drawing a lot for an RP again was something i wasnt really used to anymore.

the past three months have been.... better? or i have at least enjoyed what i am drawing more. i think im far enough removed from what happened with ARP too that it doesnt weigh on me as strongly. i wasnt blaming myself for anything but it doesnt feel good when you know you have to kill something. we talked about recovering it, i had ideas, but i just knew it wouldnt be worth trying to with so much damage caused in my own self, and the impression that whole community left on me knowing people would willingly spread such personal information without question. having trauma exposed after going to therapy and relearning how to use the internet in a way that doesnt lean on trauma dumping and whatever unhealthy bullshit? its quite a blow. i dont make personal blogs like this often because i have good methods to deal with my shit these days.

despite this messy year im doing well. its been ups and downs. overall i know im far more confident in myself, i moved out to live on my own, and im just doing my thing. whatever bull shit happened this year, call out or not, i know im still just gonna keep doing whatever it is im doing. and heres to hoping i can bring a world to life like i did with ARP again, bc i really have a lot i want to tell and show and do.

#2022 art summary #art summary #if someone from wc is lurking and comes to my inbox to shit #i will snipe you on the spot