#not that it was obligation with my ex gah. but it was just so mutual and EASY i dont knowww

[toastsnaffler]

ugh had to get up bc I'm too awake to fall back asleep and started getting hunger cramps

#FINE ILL EAT CEREAL #also made myself rly sad bc i was thinking abt phone calls and it made me think abt how i DONT miss my ex thats long dead and buried #but I DO miss there being someone who was always happy to hear from me or hear my voice any time of day to say anything at all #and always being happy to hear from them in the same way and just. that simple casual kind of love and how easy it was every time #not even talking just how easy it was to be around them and in the same space even if we werent directly interacting #and i love my friends but its not really the same as that i always feel like the longer i talk the more im keeping them from other things #and theyre pulling away and ik my roommate has said before she doesnt rly get anything out of just. being around ppl without- #direct interaction which is ok like thats just how it works for her but also it means whenever im talking to her theres a little desperate #part of me thats like u have to keep talking bc otherwise shes going to get bored and leave except she'll do that either way bc ill run- #out of anything interesting to say.. but again its not the same anyway tho bc we're just friends theres no obligation or anything #not that it was obligation with my ex gah. but it was just so mutual and EASY i dont knowww #i think its on my mind as well bc my roommate was talking abt friends of hers she can just. Always dip into conversation with #and that made me think of my ex but i didnt wanna say bc that sounds dumb and as though im hung up on them (which im genuinely not) #and ik she feels like that abt one of our mutual friends bc theyre much closer than we are and its cute how much she talks abt him and #how obvious her love for him is and i dont begrudge them that at all but i just miss having that myself with someone #but its been so long and itll probably be a long time yet before i ever have smth like that again. if ever man #and it doesnt even matter anyway bc i guess it wasnt ever actually mutual and my ex denied a lot of it afterwards and ik part of that they #were just saying to hurt me (which worked) but it probably was partly true too. maaaan. #i just miss having a favourite person and i miss being someones favourite person even if that wasnt real in the end and i wasnt #i miss at least THINKING i was someones favourite person like back when doubt rarely occurred to me bc i cared so much abt them #like it would hardly cross my mind they didnt. or if it did it was still ok bc it was easily reassured #ahhhh im going to drive myself crazy girl i need to Stop. it doesnt matter its not within my reach anymore but. wails pitifully #sorry for being so pathetic and needy and starved on main in my defence im sick. im gonna lie down for another half hour #and then i guess get ready for work. at least if im working i wont be thinking abt this shit anymore it doesn't matter #ougrhrhhhhgougrh. #.diaries