#and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟

[hecksupremechips]

Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨

#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me #but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk #just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more #fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’ #and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟 #then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person #to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever #i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better #but also way worse at the same time #i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely #but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped #cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out #i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want #its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake #cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it #ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else #im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there #then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that #crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening #and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil #the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me #its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything #aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol

[firesnap]

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

#the current state of things

[animentality]

the fun thing about durgetash for me as far as definitely toxic ships go, is that gortash and durge, as individuals, are toxic. but the ship itself? not toxic at all in my take. because as horrible as they are as people, the love they have for each other is actually very genuine. everyone else in the world is dust under their boots except for each other. they truly respect each other and get along frighteningly well and listen to each other and support each other’s atrocities and so, if you ignore the screaming of their victims in the background, their relationship is actually kind of healthy.

to be fair: this is with my version of them in mind lol i know other people have spicer takes where they ARE actively toxic to each other and such, and those are fun too but ive gotten so into the version of them where they both just exude toxicity to everyone in their lives EXCEPT each other. it’s already a trope im very weak to but its especially crazy with them. its like they cancel each other out somehow lol

like i think it takes a while to get to that point of course, to build up actual trust enough to feel even slightly safe around each other, but once they open up to each other the affection-starvation just jumps out. and then despite everything they manage to actually be gentle with each other. and neither of them deserves gentleness of any sort, but they get it anyway, from each other.

so for me durgetash is ��toxic” only by virtue of the individuals involved being horrible terrible people, and because they gleefully support each other’s evil plans, and not because of how they actually treat each other, which is actually the closest thing to “normal” either of them will ever experience (and it is still so, so far from “normal” lol)

but it’s still also nice to be in a ship where the discourse is so obvious we don’t even bother lol. yes gortash has a list of human rights abuses longer than he is tall. yes he’s gonna have an evil cuddle with his evil partner-in-crime in their evil bedroom after a long, hard day of being evil. and i’m gonna be thinking about it <3

Anon, you get me.

I think durgetash just works because...they are so blatantly evil.

Gortash tortured a bunch of people trying to figure out how tadpoles worked, and the evidence of his crimes is in the mindflayer colony beneath Moonrise and in the Steel Watch Foundry. His Steel Watch guards literally kill children and innocent families.

The Dark Urge mentions killing (eating?) a BABY. They have killed thousands. They eat human meat. They torture people.

They both started the entire plot by being total pieces of shit.

So what are you going to do?

Cancel them???

The game cancels them.

Gortash literally got cancelled so hard his brain popped.

The Dark Urge dies in most playthroughs. They only become redeemable by literally dying and becoming a new person. Plus their life is so fucking awful, that it almost cancels out how bad they are, because they're a vessel of Bhaal, who can either choose obedience or death.

They are both so outrageously evil, you can't even be outraged.

No one on the entire planet is defending either of them.

It almost defeats itself as an argument, like, you say Gortash is horrible, and I say yeah, man. You say, the Dark Urge is evil, and I say absolutely.

But that's kind of why...a relationship between the two of them IS so good, though.

Sure, there have always been villainous ships, but...something about these jagged creatures having a soft spot for one another...

It just works.

It's...it's taking two wretched beasts, and giving them something human to hold between their claws.

How can you support them being together, but how could you deny them this?

They're so horrible, they don't deserve love, but at the same time, seeing profoundly evil people are still capable of love, and humanity is inescapable, no matter how inhuman you are...

Hmmmm.

Yes.

The worse Dark Urge and Enver are, the better Durgetash comes.

That's the wonderful conundrum.

It's honestly such a SHIP, anon.

THE Ship.

#baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #durgetash #dark urge #enver gortash

[fizzbot]

I literally just sent you one but what if. You did more. For me? :3333

9, 10, 11, 12, 18, 20, 21, 22, 24 VIOLENCE (please do not look at how I spelled it in the last one) ask game <333

3, 4, 13, 17 (This time with Octavia), 18 (Striker), 22 (Husk), 24 (This time with Fizz), 25 (This time with Charlie) for the other fandom ask game :333

JKLDHFJKLSDFHJKL NO ITS OK I LOVE GIVING YOU MY THINKIES!!!!!!!!!! :DDDDD lets do this!!!!!!!! >:333333

violence ask game og post here!

9. worst part of canon for hh, its the valangel plotline. god its so bad. you cant have a silly joke character also be a horrific abuser, you have to pick one. also dont hire rape fetish artists to handle a very real?? issue?? hello??? for hb,,,,,i gotta pick the same vein and give it to stolitz. I KNOW I KNOW i bitched a lot about them in the last answer post but JKLSDFJKLHJKf IT MAKES ME SO MAD. especially bc (much like hazbin) the original plot of the story is SO FUCKING GOOD. a group of low-ranking hell creatures run an illegal business where the access the human realm??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME. THATS SO GOOD. i love that its a direct parallel to hazbin's "solving the overpopulation" main plot JKLSHDFJKLDS ITS SO FUNNY AND SO PERFECT AND WE WERE ROBBED IN BOTH SHOWS FOR VIVZIES STUPID FUCKING FETISH BAIT

10. worst part of fanon the vivzie dickriders are so goddamn annoying. ive noticed that this is kind of a trend in any media that has a large "critic" audience. like it also totally happened with miraculous ladybug. but for some reason when a bunch of people hate on the show bc it sucks, mostly bc the creator also sucks, it spawns a parallel group of people who will defend anything and everything about it. like there are people who devote entire blogs and accounts to ""disproving"" vivzie allegations (which no one has ever done successsfully btw bc she did all of the shit shes being accused of). and theres people who will defend every shitty plotpoint and piece of bad writing and leave no room for nuance. like, yes, im critical of the shows, but i can admit theres good in them. obviously i enjoy them enough to have a sideblog for them. but like. these people dont understand that its GOOD to critisize media, ESPECIALLY media that you like. its important to acknowledge when certain trends can be seen in the work, because otherwise youre going to be more susceptible to being negatively influenced. like, vivzie has history of antiblackness/racism/antisemitism. is it a coincidence that these people are horribly misrepresented in the show?

11. number of fandom-related words you've filtered only 2 related to the hellaverse actually!! but ive had to put a whole bunch of different variants/spellings. i have radioapple and adamsapple blocked just cause theyre the most prevalent ships that i dont like.

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them MIMZY. i fucking love her SO MUCH!!!!!! :DDDDDDDD part of why i despise radioapple and its shippers so much is bc so much of the fandom hates her for ""interrupting their moment"". SHUT THE FUCK UP shes the best part of their song and also the best girl and shes so pretty and cute and youre all WRONG for hating her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! light of my life <333333333 spinoff show about just mimzy immediately

18. it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on... rosie x mimzy :(((((((( they dont even have a proper, fully agreed upon shipname. i thought you all loved old women yuri :/// also POLYVEES????? i am SOOOOO sick of the ""vel and her gay dads"" shit. it is so goddamn annoying. VOX CALLS HER "MY DEAR". VAL CALLS HER "BABYDOLL." theyre all fucking.

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring honestly? all of hazbin. the heaven arc was just SO rushed and still felt like the same thing was happening every episode. helluva never/hasnt become tedious to me just bc its so much more episodic i think

21. part of canon you think is overhyped the fuckin. shipping. stolitz in helluva is SOOOOOO hyped and for NOTHING and the whole war was hyped in hazbin and yet was also so incredibly nothing. OH AND PENTIOUS' REDEMPTION??? everyones acting like its the most interesting plot twist ever as if it doesnt suck objectively

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores loona and via ://// the only time i see them talked about is when people are shipping them which is gross. i really really really want to see more of them and have them be developed more and given personalities outside their shitty fathers.

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse VALANGEL. OH MY GODDDDDDDDD i fucking HATE hearing ""hot takes"" about that arc. THEYRE NEVER HOT TAKES. EVER. theyre just excusing vals actions or excusing VIVS actions in making it. I HATE IT SO MUCH

fandom ask game og post here!

3. NoTP? OOH. i have a bunch. ummm. literally any striker ship that isnt blitzker. striker x chaz, striker x moxxie, striker x millie, striker x sallie, striker x stella, etc etc i could literally list them all day. i hate all of them. every single one cannot work without mischaracterizing him to hell. he works with blitz because theyre equals and they LIKE EACH OTHER. OH DUH radioapple!!!! literally biggest NOTP ever i fucking hate them. i hate adamsapple, and cherrisnake, anddddd.......there are obviously more but im blanking. some i dislike for more innocent reasons. like any ship with tex and/or any ship with sallie? i hate all of them just because those characters are so. Nothing. they have 0 substance apart from being sexualized

4. Is there a popular pairing you don't necessarily dislike but aren't too invested in? OH well i guess i kinda answered this above hsdjkf. i guess my hottest take is fallenstar (chaggie) and m&m. i simply do not give a shit about them. i care a LITTLE more for vega n charlie, but like. pretty much JUST because theyre sapphic. what does m&m have going for them, they are literally textbook boring married couple. who give a shit

13. What's a character or ship you haven't written/drawn yet but would like to some day? sjkdfhjksdf ive doodled them beforrreeeee but ive gotta draw more verbie <////3 im thinkin about making a finished piece for them they are CUTE.......otherwise i think ive drawn/written about like everyone i care for sjkdfhjsdkf

17. What's a book, movie, or show you think [Octavia] would like? AWW this is cute....ummmm!!!!! a piece of lore i just made up for her is that i think shes rlly interested in human culture. like she likes movies from earth, and literature from up there, so on and so forth <3333 shes really into horror movies but specifically the old and bad ones <3333 she will rattle off 100000 facts to you about how they made that fake blood for that scene or "did you know they used a REAL chainsaw?". i think she has an affinity for the macabre BUT i also think she has a bit of a soft spot. she was kind of robbed of a proper childhood a little bit (as were most goetians) so shes a sucker for sappy soft stuff too. she casually watches mlp or care bears and plays lots of minecraft and terraria <3

18. Type [Striker's]'s name and tell us what the autocomplete suggests as the next word shjkdfhjksdfhjkfsd ok so i wasnt sure whether this meant using google autocomplete or phone autocomplete. i tried google first and my only result was 'striker helluva boss' cause thats what i google for art ref. but then i tried it on my phone and. uh........................................................................this is so embarassing. i pulled out my phone and pressed the middle autocomplete button a few times and it landed on 'striker tying up blitzos arms'...........LISTEN. IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS WRITING DOWN THIS ART IDEA AND IT REMEMBERED. WHY DID IT REMEMBER

22. Give us a headcanon for [Husk] UMMMM!!!!!!! it is so muc harder to come up with these for characters i dont relate to as much..........i am so sorry but i have literally thought for so long and cant come up with anything that you havent already said <////////////////////333

24. What's your favourite thing about [Fizz]? i remember really not thinking anything of it at the time but i LOVE the transition of how he is in public/at ozzies to how he is at home!!!! its really interesting to see him soften up and i think theres a lot to be said about the persona he puts on in public that i just KNOW the show isnt gonna explore. i dont think hes the. best anxiety rep, but i do think there are moments where its compelling. OH and i LOVE watching his energy bounce off blitz, its super fun :3

25. What's your least favourite thing [Charlie] said or did? grgghgg ohh girl,,,,,you had so much wasted potential ://// this is a lot more nitpicky than my answer for stolas but its easily that one moment in ep 4. where she WHINES and CRIES like a BABY over angel and vega carries her away. the infantilization is SOOOO irritating, esp bc literally in the NEXT EPISODES they try to portray her as a strong and confident good leader???? its so pathetic and SO frustrating especially when she could easily make it up to angel by KILLING HIS RAPIST.

WAHHHJSKDFHJKLD THANKS FOR ASKINGGGGG i love getting out all my thinkies :33333

#hh #hb #critical #helluva boss critical #hazbin hotel critical #vivziepop critical #rocketstags #answers

[merchantarthurn]

i dunno man. this reaction to the finale squicks me out so much. i am deeply uncomfortable with people acting like it would have been better if adrien was told everything on the spot (eventually? yeah. right then? god no), or that gabriel was textually redeemed, or that the writers weren't aware that gabriel had done wrong despite them actively avoiding having him take ladybug's offer (which would have been far more like a redemption than what he actually did - violently reject her path and took his own in the end. like be serious)

i say this as someone who has been worried for a while about how they would handle gabriel as a clearly abusive man. and as someone who has been emotionally, socially and financially controlled and threatened by my own father (the height of it being when i was adrien's age, isn't that wild), but as in adult still struggles to call it abuse because like. sometimes your dad is horrible but you also have good happy memories with him. and a couple of weeks is not enough time to fully accept your dad did you harm and should have known better - especially after he fucking dies - and that's the case regardless of whether he's considered a hero or a villain by everyone around you. adrien expressing admiration to his father is not only consistent with his desire to see his father improve (because shockingly with the kind of abuse gabriel was up to, adrien was always going to hope for the good he saw in him to prevail. that's just how it feels) but is also not guaranteed to last - we have no idea how adrien will process his father's abuse alongside the grief he's also processing????

like i guess this finale made me so emotional, specifically that last part, because fuck if it didn't speak to something that felt pretty emotionally real. at least to me, as someone who can see a snap shot of my life in this family relationship. and to see people boil that down to "urgh the abuser got away with it" is kinda agonising honestly (not to mention everyone collectively losing their wit and forgetting that like... time exists, and shit changes? idk maybe the monster-of-the-week seasons broke people's brains or something).

just... like goddamn when i think about what i wanted re: dad like... what i wanted was to be safe and happy. if that happened by dad being gone and/or him never being 'punished' for the hurt he caused me then like... would i fucking care? the hurt is over. even as im still disentangling myself from him that's still all i want. i don't want my dad to face justice, i want MY justice - and that's to have some fucking peace!!! i am deeply glad they let gabriel die rather than find some way to save him so he's out of adrien's life, i am deeply glad he did it in a way that wouldn't entirely devastate adrien, i am deeply glad marinette chose not to tell him.

like. i get that so many people do not understand the complexity of recovering from this particular abuse-flavour (because there are many) but. justice is for the victim. justice prevents future victims. it's not justice for me to prioritise exposing gabriel over protecting adrien's happiness? the desire ive seen expressed to expose adrien to all of this and rend him apart is pretty goddamn ghoulish in this context - if you wish to explore that alternative, write a fanfic instead of insisting the only morally good way to resolve abuse is to further traumatise the victim of it

#it's nearly 5am and my word did this fandom manage to trigger some shit out of me lol #i fucking loved this finale frankly #do not even bother 'explaining' to me why you think him offering his reasons is metatextually excusing his actions #because im gonna show you the fucking TEXT of his redemption when it says 'no gabriel what you did was wrong and against the wishes #of everyone involved'. THE FUCKING TEXT #'he at least made the right call in the end' isn't an attempt at a redemption arc. #and if you truly cannot give it to the writers of the show why the fuck are you still here lol you're exhausting #miraculous ladybug spoilers #just. urgh. i can feel the way people are gonna wilfully misinterpret this so here's how you can proceed #you can complain somewhere where i can't see it #my feelings on the matter of this SPECIFIC KIND of parental abuse are informed an personal #and you do not have permission to trigger me about it.

[ankhisms]

disclaimer im fine i just need to try and word various feelings and such pay no mind to the io who is trying to hold faer mental health together

i think the older i get and the more i desperately try to get better or at least be as healthy as i can reasonably expect to be with my various physical and mental issues the more it becomes clear to me... just how much a life time of being abused has altered my brain and tainted how i view myself. and i was obviously aware of this to a certain extent i am often painfully reminded of how much being abused and traumatized over and over throughout my life from a very young age has shaped me and how there are some things i may never fully heal from but will instead carry with me and have to live with. but recently its been jarring for me to like. be faced with it in a different way? where the environment in this theater production im in currently is actually overall very positive! i still often feel awkward where everyone is already good friends and knows one another from past productions but at the same time everyone is nice and friendly and no one is being nasty or weird to me like in the production i was in last year.

and our director and assistant director and the rest of the crew are really really sweet and encouraging and skilled people, i feel really thankful to be working with our director especially shes such a good actor along with being a good director and i value her input on things. which is why it makes it jarring to be given compliments by her and the other crew members and to be told that im a good actor and that im doing a good job. im so used to abuse from authority figures and so used to being told that im a worthless piece of shit etc etc that it comes as a shock when an authority figure in my life is actually kind to me.

and its been like. ive been having to step back and like. re examine just how badly i view myself. i have zero self esteem and zero confidence in myself, i speak very cruelly to myself and generally see myself as being a failure and other things like that, all of this is because ive been told that im a failure and disgusting ugly worthless stupid etc etc from both authority figures, my peers in school, my abuser, and my father throughout my entire life so ive internalized that and its almost impossible for me to break from thinking of myself in anything but that kind of light. but now ive been having to go. ok. i really respect this person who is telling me that im genuinely good at something. i want to believe them. i want to be good at what im doing. so this challenges the view of myself that ive been told is true for my entire life. i keep just going wait so am i not disgusting good for nothing ugly stupid worthless cant do anything right failure etc etc? and it shouldnt be so shocking that the things my abuser and the other people who have hurt and traumatized me have told me are wrong, but ive lived for so long thinking that all these things theyve said to me or said about me must be true. so again its really jarring to just be like. maybe all the awful things ive been told about myself were just very cruel people being cruel to me and not necessarily true.

but also at the same time i certainly dont think that those things being not true somehow makes me ~special~ i really dont think its possible for me to view myself as special or anything like that bc my view of myself is so low and negative and also bc i always want to be remembering other people and valuing everyone else yknow but its like. weird and strange for me to be realizing that maybe i dont suck as much as ive always been told and always believe. and maybe im not some horrible disgusting monster destined to be alone and abused forever, maybe im just a person. maybe im just a person who has been hurt a lot

but i also have to grapple with the fact that it is both true that 1. maybe im not inherently bad and maybe not everyone hates my guts and thinks im awful. but also 2. i am mentally and physically disabled as well as lgbt and there are a lot of times where people do in fact go out of their way to be cruel to me because of this and there will continue to be people who are cruel to me because of being disabled and being lgbt. these things can both be true

and alright i promise that im almost done rambling but one last thing i wish that all these years of abuse and torment and harrassment had somehow hardened me and to an extent i am kind of unphased by certain things but its more like i just fucking dissociate but anyway instead of abuse and trauma making me tough i just am so sensitive and always feel like im such a crybaby. i think i do a good job of not like making that other peoples problem i always try to suck it up but i always feel like i just am never able to grow thicker skin when it comes to very specific things that remind me of being abused. like i said our director is such a good director shes so sweet and kind and she did NOT at all say this in a mean way or mean to upset me. but last night she used me as an example where she said "im really a stickler about us saying the lines the exact way the playwright wrote them. rey i dont mean to single you out or bully you or anything like that, youre doing great, but youve been adding a 'but' to that line, lets cut out the but ok?" and again she is such a good director. she said this very kindly and i always appreciate her feedback and instruction. but feeling like im being singled out in front of people is such a big trigger for me and reminds me so much of past trauma and school abuse especially and it took every ounce of self control i had to not start crying and i just felt so humiliated about that. like why am i so sensitive. i know its because ive been abused my whole life but whats wrong with me. nothing bad happened and yet i felt like i wanted to die

anyway thanks if you read all this i prommy im fine im just feeling a lot of different things lately

[enzombie]

I just finished season 4 and im. Im ruined. Ive already watched the show like 6 times btw but FUCK. GOD DAMN

Blaine being truly honest for the first time in as long as we've known him by telling angus he made the sign from god, only to get a reality check when his dad isnt as selfish and cowardly as he is, except thats such a mindfuck because his dad is a horrible awful child abusive son of a bitch, and it must have been so confusing to watch the church devour fraud bater under angus's orders. How eagerly angus watches blaines reaction, how he so hopes that makes up for everything, its sickening. Especially at the end of their arc where if i got it correctly, enzo sold them out? Told FMG they'd be coming and led them to a trap? And we saw angus and his flock get shot down. I cant help but feel bad for blaine

Peyton refusing to let FMG get away with moving up the time of the execution, marching into that studio and taking iver the broadcast, being the REASON people SHOWED UP at the warehouse and being right there with johnny fucking frost of all people, and ravi right by her side.

Major leaping over the crowd of soldiers to tackle chase, raging out completely and rightfully after all the shit he had to do for what he believed to be the right cause, only for the leader of that cause to spit in his face by trying to execute the love of his life. Because despite everything they still love eachother still and major is so goddamn pissed hes not gonna let another person murder his kids and get away ith it (even tho we saw so little of captain seattle i do not rememebr his actual name. Or jordans half the time)

Liv's stone cold expression at pulling the level and crushing chase's skull, and being so right about it too. Still tho, it wasnt enough to bring levon back, just like every time she tries to do the thing she thinks is right, someone she loves dies for it. When she tries to shoot blaine on sniper brain but cant, lowell tries to and gets killed. When she saves the chaos killer victims and clive from dying to a zombie, that zombie just had to be drake. When she tries to help human-zombie relations (misguidedly) and save lives by being renegade, she gets a front row seat to levons head being crushed. Her pain is so real idec chase is done with. It wasnt a good ending for her and i can feel that so clearly, even with that hopeful ending scene

My friend and I talked abour how selfish Liv can be when we started watching together (her first time), but how selfish can someone be when they give up the cure for their ailment twice for other peoples happiness?

And Chase. God. That entire decline during the latter half of the season was brutal. When thwy announced renegades execution and the video came out, he was done it was over, there was truly no coming back from this. He was so out of it at the point of the supporters breaking in that his voice cracks when he shouts at major to stop and when he says dont shoot and hes scrambling wildly for some form of control, in this case a gun that he places his head right on the gillutine. I think its a mercy that he died so painlessly.

At least Dale and Clive got a happy ending to the season though, getting married and getting the cure. Clive calling liv partner when they were saying goodbye in chase's office, it was just so bittersweet

Hope its okay that this is so long i just wanted to dump my thoughts onto someone ^^ this show is phenomenal i cant recover from this tonight.

DAMN. THATS A LOT OF WORDS. DAMN.

I uh idk how to respond to most of this cus there's so much but I'll try my best (also why this took so long to reply sorry)

Blaine is a mixed feelings character, he's a fan favourite and he's always enjoyable to watch. Angus on the other hand idk a single soul who likes that bitch. Say what you will about Blaine, but Angus was EVIL. Shout out to Enzo for killing him off fr. We are grateful. All my homies hate Angus.

Also Enzo didn't exactly sell them out, he more completely set them up - he went directly to Blaine and Angus to make sure they went the exact route, made sure he was there for all the final plans, he collaborated directly with the US military to get rid of Angus and his pals. Like it wasn't a split second betrayal it was a planned execution, he knew full well Angus would take the bait and was probably hoping Blaine would too. I'm not sure if it was even an official FG operation because as far as we know, Chase didn't hear anything back from Enzo about the church. He didn't tell the press his name, he was the only FG personnel there - I'm sus that he just took it upon himself to deal with them. King behaviour.

And yeah Peyton was girlboss at the end of season 4 but it's like. When her bestie in danger she got all this proactive shit but when she's acting mayor the energies like half that. Makes me mad.

As for major. Little sympathy. Oh did your child soldiers get killed? Maybe child soldiers are a bad idea? Maybe you wouldn't be upset if you didn't have children as soldiers in the first place? Maybe giving untrained children weapons is guaranteed to go badly and end with them injured or killed? Do you think? Like. Honestly. And the way he was with Levon. Major was weird in season 4 idk. And I disagree with them killing Chase. There's so many worse people in the show that she can't bring herself to kill but Chase she executes without hesitation. He wasn't even that bad. I don't think its very fair for him either. Like he was trying his best to keep Seattle under control, and renegade was actively making everything worse. And if you think he was doing a bad job what came after in season 5? With Major: terrorism and hatecrimes peaked and he did nothing, he made Seattle completely reliant on Blaine who (bless him) is not trustworthy and not a good person and is obviously going to be a controversy. With Enzo: the second he took over, Majors mistakes blow up and Seattle dealing with civil war. Not to mention Enzo isn't great at de-escalation, at any point - not even just when he's in charge, since his introduction he walks in and makes situations worse on purpose (can't help being a girlboss)

As for your question about Liv being selfish - it's shortsightedness. She'll do selfless things that make her feel good but she won't consider the consequences. Stuff like giving up the cure is fine, not really any consequences, she gets to help her friends. The renegade stuff, she gets to scratch sick people and feel good about it - but the whole of Seattle gets closer and closer to dying horribly every time she does. It's like only caring about what's directly in front of her. Irritates me a little tbh. Especially when she's one of the only zombies not experiencing the food shortage so it's just this whole privilege thing while thousands of people are at risk.

Clive and Bozzio are so precious I love them so much they deserve everything. That's all.

Anyway, hope you and your friend enjoy season 5✌️

#izombie

[calebwittebane]

my Nightmare System is extremely efficient sometimes because last night i was being highly insane in an "i miss my abuser" manner and then had a long extensive tedious nightmare about him and how even after he "got better" i didnt enjoy a single second spent around him no matter how hard i tried (because i still genuinely cared about him), and about how much hes hurt me and how he still haunts me while alive, and how either that spectral presence or his actual literal presence and participation (because he always had to butt in and take control of everything in my life) would always end up damaging every relationship and every good thing in my life. he was so mad and confused when i started to refuse to give him any opportunity to personally ruin those things, but hes still here, just not in person. how he haunts me is what makes me largely unable to articulate my feelings (ive been learning though, as you can see), what makes me afraid of others, what makes me shut down and sleep through the time i wanted to be spending with my loved ones, what makes me constantly chase after myself. others warming up to him and becoming a link between him and myself is one of my huge fears.

i dont miss him, i cant think of a single moment i truly was happy around him; the idea i have in my head of being happy around him is a vague and false narrative i used to trick myself into believing to make my previous life seem less cruel and more bearable because at the time there was no escape. it has no reflection in reality and never did. i was never happy around him, not even for a moment. its because of him that i used to believe happiness as an emotion didnt exist.

the aftermath of the worst period of abuse (my entire childhood lol) is much clearer than when it was happening. i can articulate how i felt watching him "get better" and "try so hard" (i believe him, but...) as he still treated me like nothing, like i wasnt a person and just a punching bag and a scapegoat and a meek obedient toy and a vehicle to participate in things and get a thrill out of something. he was never even curious about anything i had to say. and of course i was supposed to ignore everything he used to do before that. of course i was supposed to forgive him, its not like i was innocent, i was such a horrible child after all - so clumsy and inept and rude and such an insufferable smartass - and besides its not even like he ever did anything Really bad, bah. sometimes he would allude to it in this vein and its like he was daring me to name something specific. comfortable in knowing that i wouldnt, and even if i did he could convince me i misremembered. he felt entitled to every single part of me and my life. he took credit for every one of my achievements. and all of the above i was supposed to feel happy about. happy and grateful, because it was all still such an improvement. i dont miss him. i dont miss anything about him. i dont miss the time i spent with him. i miss the world i escaped into at the time

#abuse tw #rambling abt my loife. giving myself permission

[femme-kitty]

march 30th, 2023 ♡

enjoyed some journaling and reading of my anxiety book at the park! my body feels really calm, i sunbathed my legs while reading :-)

got a bit farther into my anxiety book & as she talks about how people start to develop anxiety from stress and fear , ive realized how freaking messed up it was that rosa miranda saw the happy, untraumatized human being i was when me and bernie first got here and she made the conscious decision over the course of several months to traumatize me and weigh me down emotionally, to tear me down and turn me into a nervous fearful person, just like she did to her daughter, martha, and continues to do so now that they live together

it was wrong, it was really wrong, and it makes my healing even more important!! fuck her weighing me down! fuck her authority! fuck the trauma she gave me messing with my physical health, life, love, and future!!! it's not fair and i'm reclaiming my power through my healing! rosa, you don't get to break me like the women before me! i WILL heal from your terror!

i also realized how the entire family then proceeded to gaslight me and say im lying to make mama rosita look bad or for my mom to say that it was my own fault for leaving her traumatic living conditions at the apartment

that was also wrong, and it explains why i was so brainwashed and gaslit into excusing their behavior all of my life or just having to pretend liker certain traumas just didn't happen and why i was so blind to how horrible i had been acting and how my behavior was mirroring them so perfectly, even down to being genuinely blind or in denial about the hurt i've caused

i don't want to say it is evil or malicious because as someone who was potentially on my way to falling into their exact toxic life paths without noticing it, i want to believe that as victims of abuse, they/we just need to really open our eyes, heal and un-do the gaslighting and minimizing of the traumas we've faced generationally,

at least personally, my heart never had malicious intentions or the intent to harm or break others, and i acknowledge that although my intentions weren't harmful, harm was still done to my inner child and to my loved one and i take complete fault in that, which is why my heart aches to be able to apologize for every harmful thing i had done to myself and to my partner,

the dysfunction and gaslighting are what kept my family, more specifically the women in my family, "safe" and stuck in trauma their entire lives and it won't mess up my life, once my eyes were opened like they did, i am not going back, im promising myself this

i want to confront my behavior and any toxic thought patterns i had adopted from them, i want to forgive myself for everything i did in survival mode or out of the pain from the trauma we endured, where i used their teachings as a "safe" place for my emotions because of the emotional familiarity i remembered in childhood, i want to keep opening my eyes as wide as i can to everything and realizing how dysfunctional everything is in this family and how life should never feel like this, family should never actually feel like this,

i want to be a safe, loving spouse/wife for my partner, a safe, loving mother for my pets, plants, and kids, and a safe, loving friend for any human beings i befriend in this life,

im really proud of myself for having the courage to allow my eyes to have been opened by bernie, because i could have just remained blind to it all and continued on, im proud of myself for apologizing and forgiving myself for my mistakes that i've realized, and for changing my thinking and behavior gradually with each day

im really proud of myself for being able to confront my wrongdoings and walk myself through why it was wrong, why i thought it was okay based on what my family had taught me, why i ran to this type of behavior for emotional safety, and what the healthy thought/behavior/action actually is

most of the time, the healthy answer is pure and unconditional love, despite mistakes or "imperfections" in life, which there aren't actually any

there really isn't anything to fear in this world, and there's no actual failure either,

there's no reason for us to be "perfect" or at our best at all times, we're just humans trying to have a good time on this big blue planet! and love each other and care for one another and have sex and sing and dance with each other and then die happily at the very end

& i think that's awesome! :")

-carolina ♡

#caro #march 2023 #cocoon #throat chakra open!!!

[sh1tido4you]

I havent written in like a year. Not like anyone actually cared or anything but i mean nobody even reads what i write. So this is all really just a waste of time. But i wanna talk to people. I want to feel heard, sometimes i dream of getting on stage and scream the words thats been wrapped around my neck for a long long time. But at the same time, i dont wanna be pitied. I hate the faces people make when they pity u it just makes u feel even more pathetic than u actually are. I just want to get this out of my chest u know? Ive really been struggling. I struggled my way out through my childhood. I was molested by my own family, i dated men thrice my age in primary school. I was abused, physically and mentally for years and at the same time taking care of my sister. I grew up poor. I grew up with no money but we had enough to live. Every day i wake up i think of ways to escape home, i didnt even have anyone to turn to. It got so bad i started self harming. I wanted to die so bad that i prayed for it, and gosh i still do. Im not a good person. Ive done some really bad things, people find me bad and theyre right. I keep telling myself that im a person of good heart but i know my evil my demons know me. Theyre apart of me and they will always be. Im not pretty. Im not strong, im not smart. I dont have a hot body, my hair is thin. My family is broken, and im very poor. Dont get me wrong im grateful for what i have but the truth is there im just unlucky in so many aspects of life. Ive had uncountable amount of exes in the past and to be frank i still dont know why. I have an amazing boyfriend, this year it'll be our 4th anniversary. Yeah, longest relationship ive been in. Hes from a beautiful family, financially stable parents and good relationship with his siblings. He has a big no huge family and he is really lovely. I dont know what seems to be the problem but i am starting to be unhappy. I feel like he is going to abandon me some day and no matter how hard i try to convince myself otherwise, deep down i know it'll happen. And the worst part is that he should. Hes amazing and im nothing good, in a disgrace, im a girl destined to always fail. Ive failed at everything but please, i dont wanna fail at love. Love is extraordinary, its something i genuinely feel so much with great force its my strength. I am full of it but i deserve none because im a horrible person inside and out. But we all crave for something we dont deserve right? Hes been making me feel like shit lately and i know he didnt mean that but i can feel him slowly fading out of my life and im so scared of getting abandoned again especially not him. I feel my safest when im with him in fact hes the only person i can really, truly count on. So im scared like hell. Damn it denver please dont run away. Im sorry im so selfish but i cant live like this anymore. I dont want to go through my shit for my entire life alone. My parents they dont get it. They think the that the main reason to my unending problems is because i dont pray enough. They think that the only solution to all my problems is simply just pray them all away. I wish it was that simple. They dont know how i kneeled down, sobbing and praying that God will end this all away. In the toilet, at 3 am with blood dripping down my arm. Its just too hurtful that i started to pray to just die. If He doesnt want me to stop suffering then He can just end me its that easy. God why do u hate me? Why cant i feel light like the other children? Why do i always have to be strong, isnt this enough? Havent i suffered enough? What more are u trying to prove? Until when? Im just so tired. Theres so many responsibilities i have to take as i get older, the amends i have to make with people that i dont want to have in my life just for the sake of being a good person. I want to live freely and happy and loved and safe. But then again, we all crave for something we dont deserve right?

[agustdakasuga]

Between The Bloodshed | Chapter 10

Genre: Mafia!AU, Angst, Romance, Fluff

Pairing: OT7 x Reader

Characters: Doctor!Reader, Gangster!Namjoon, Gangster!Seokjin, Gangster!Yoongi, Gangster!Hoseok, Gangster!Jimin, Gangster!Taehyung, Gangster!Jungkook

Summary: Being a freelance doctor, this was just supposed to be any other job, helping a private client and taking care of him through his recovery. But you were not expecting to get caught in something so much darker that would change your life entirely.

It seems that as you get closer to the boys, the more they open up to you. That’s also when you realise just how much they actually left out of their supposedly honest profiles.

Warning: This story is fictional and has nothing to do with real life events or the actual members of BTS. It may contain depictions of violence, blood shed/ gore and mentions of abuse. Please read at your own discretion.

*BANG*

“What-” The door opened and soon, there was fast padding against your carpeted ground. Another body dove under the cover and curled itself next to yours. You blinked, sitting up immediately.

“Who...” You lifted the blanket to see who the quivering figure was.

“J-Jimin?! What are you doing here?” That was when you stopped, feeling the warmth that he was radiating onto your thigh. Throwing the covers back, Jimin hugged himself and you touched his forehead and cheeks. Reaching into your nightstand, you grabbed your thermometer, turning it on and sticking it into Jimin’s ears.

“You’re running a high fever!” You saw his temperature. Jimin shivered, grabbing your blanket to wrap himself up.

“Chim, can you hear me?” You called.

“C-Cold...” He stuttered. You got out of bed, heading out the door. It was quite early that the hallways were still rather empty. Going into your office, you grabbed what you needed.

“(y/n)?” Jin blinked as you rushed by him. He was always one of the early risers of the family.

“Can’t talk! Jimin! Sick!” You replied, running into your room. You turned Jimin onto his back, making him groan.

“Jimin hardly falls sick but when he does, it’s bad. Been like that since he was a kid.” Jin stood by the door way, arms crossed. You grabbed Jimin’s arm, cleaning it with an alcohol swab and poking the needle in with medication and fluids for him.

(A/N: For those wondering why the OC always put them on IV drips or if you do know some stuff about needle site complications, I’ve researched and spoken to friends in Korea. They actually get IV drips and injections very often for simple things like hangovers and the flu.)

“I got you a pail with iced water.” Jin stood by your side.

“Thanks.” You wrung the dampen towel, placing it on Jimin’s forehead. Taking your phone, you set a two hour timer.

“I’ll go let the others know Jimin is sick. As well as call his office. Let us know if you need anything.” Jin said and you nodded. He left as you wiped Jimin’s neck and arms with a cold towel.

“Omma...” He tensed.

"Shhh, Chim.” You hushed him, placing the towel on his forehead. You went to the bathroom to brush your teeth and change into more presentable clothes.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

“Come in.” You replied, combing your hair. Yoongi stood at the doorway. He looked flustered, rubbing the back of his neck. You blinked at him for two seconds but turned back to the mirror, fixing your hair. Yoongi wordlessly entered your room, standing over Jimin. From the corner of your eyes, you watched him cup Jimin’s cheek.

“How’s he?” Yoongi asked.

“Fine. He came in with a really high temperature so I put him on a drip. I’ll check his temperature again soon. Thankfully he stopped shivering and went back to sleep.” You replied.

“That’s good.” Yoongi mumbled, stroking Jimin’s head gently.

“Jin said when he gets sick, it’s often bad?” You asked. Yoongi nodded in confirmation.

“He got sick often as a kid and had febrile seizures. So he was always in and out of the hospital. His parents thought it would be the best way to keep him healthy. He’s gotten better over the years.” Yoongi explained.

“I don’t remembering reading about febrile seizures in the profiles.” You crossed your arms. Yoongi didn’t seem bothered by your dissatisfaction.

“He didn’t think it was necessary for you to know. It brings back a lot of bad memories for him. That’s why he came to you. He always just looks for someone to sleep next to. I’m sure he called you his mother in his feverish stupor right?” Yoongi asked. You nodded.

“Postpone my therapy session to tomorrow. I want you to care for Jimin today.” Yoongi ordered.

“I can do both, Yoon. He’ll most likely just sleep the whole day anyway.”

“No. I want you to just focus on Jimin today. An extra day won’t kill me. We’ll do it tomorrow.” Yoongi straightened up. You pursed your lips, knowing Yoongi won’t give in.

“Fine. We’ll do it tomorrow.” You gave in.

“Just stay with him. He always just needs someone by his side to help him feel better.” Yoongi instructed. You gave a thumbs up. With an acknowledging nod, the male left the room. You sat by Jimin’s side.

“You’re still so warm.” You sighed, taking his temperature again. After the beep, you saw the numbers and realised he was still running a high temperature so you continued to wipe him down with a towel and iced water. You drew the blanket back and he shivered slightly but you needed his temperature to go back down.

“Come on, Kookie.” Since you lowered the room temperature, you took Kookie out and brought him to Jungkook’s room.

“Huh?” Jungkook woke up.

“Parent duties.” You placed Kookie down on Jungkook’s blanket covered chest. Jungkook yawned and frowned, still trying to process what was going on. But he didn’t seem bothered as he went back to sleep.

“Bye, Kookie. Don’t fall off the bed or get squished by your appa.” You stroked his ears before leaving.

“Oh, doc. Morning.” Hoseok spotted you just as you were leaving Jungkook’s room. You gave a small smile and waved at him.

“I heard what happened to Jimin. How is he?”

“His temperature was rather high when he came. I’ve put him on a drip and iced him down. He should be fine in the next hour or so. I’m keeping my eye on him for the rest of the day. He’s residing in my room anyway.” You chuckled. Hoseok nodded with a sigh of relief.

“I’ll be taking over his duties for the day.” Hoseok informed. You nodded your head, patting his shoulder.

“Good luck.” You smiled. Hoseok gave you a slight hug before leaving you in the hallway. You went back to your room to find Jimin still sleeping, he looked a lot more comfortable, the frown off his face.

“Suffered from febrile seizures since adolescent years. After that, prone to severe fevers.” You noted down in your notepad.

“These boys seriously need to be hooked to a lie detector test for me to get a real background check.” You clicked your tongue and shook your head. You left to get your coffee.

“Can I get some beef mince juk for Jimin? And a glass of juice, with a straw.” You ordered. The maids nodded, rushing immediately. You made a small sandwich for yourself, bringing it back to your room with your iced coffee. As you did your work on the laptop on the bed, beside Jimin, you ate your breakfast and drank your coffee.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP*

“Done.” Once the drip was done, you removed the needle from Jimin’s arm and placed a band aid over it. Putting everything aside, you took his temperature.

“Gone down a little...” You sighed and threw all the used materials away. After washing your hands, you left the room and headed to your office to get the necessary medications in a cup. 

“Second time seeing you today. No girlfriend duties?” You asked Jin. 

“You know she’s not a girlfriend, not even an acquaintance. But I’m surprised you asked, curious?” Jin smirked. 

“Not even close. Just wanted to make sure since I have to prepare my ears for that shrill voice of hers.” You patted his shoulder, entering your room with the medication. Jin shook his head with a chuckle at your words. 

“Bye!” He waved at you, to which you saluted. 

“Doctor (y/l/n), this is young master Jimin’s meal that you requested.” The butler came with a tray. You nodded, letting him into the room. He placed the tray on your desk and bowed before leaving. You placed the medication down and opened the metal lid. 

“(y/n)...?” You heard someone call you and turned around. Jimin frowned as he opened his eyes slightly. 

“Good morning, sleeping beauty, right on time. How are you feeling?” You smiled softly, walking to his side. Jimin let out a groan of discomfort, looking around, seemingly confused at where he was. 

“W-Where am I? I... I feel... horrible.” Jimin placed a hand on his forehead. 

“Of course, you do. You’ve been running a high fever the whole morning. You came into my room and I put you on a drip. Thankfully, your fever is gone.” You informed. 

“I-I see...” 

“Come, sit up. Your lunch just came. After that, I’ll give you some medication to feel better.” You used another pillow to prop him up. Jimin pushed himself up slightly into a comfortable sitting position. You placed the glass of juice on the nightstand and pulled a chair, the bowl of warm porridge in your lap. Jimin’s cheeks turned pink. 

“Uh... you don’t have to feed-” 

“Don’t sweat it. I’m on Jimin care duty for the entire day.” You chuckled. You gave him a sip of juice first before blowing on the porridge lightly and feeding it to him. 

“So, would you like to tell me why you left out childhood febrile seizures from your health record?” You asked. Jimin choked and coughed. 

“Oh. You know about that.” 

“You guys need to be honest with me in these things. I told you how important it is for me to know these things. I know you boys want to prove how tough you are but you don’t need to do that with me. You know I don’t care.” You continued to feed him. 

“Yes, ma’am.” Jimin pouted like a scolded child. You laughed and patted his head. Once he finished, you placed the juice in his hands and went to put the empty bowl back on the tray. 

“Here, have these and sleep more.” You gave him the medicine cup. He obediently ate the tablets, washing it down with the juice. 

“Can I-”

“Yes, you can still sleep here. Don’t worry.” You smiled and tucked him back under the blanket. You brought the tray with the empty cup and bowl out to the kitchen, getting a bottle of water for Jimin. 

“He woke up?” Yoongi asked. 

“Wow, I don’t think you’ve ever sought me out so many times in one day, Yoonie. I must say, I’m touched.” You wiped a fake tear. 

“Crazy woman.” Yoongi scoffed. He went to your room and you followed behind him, snickering with your hands tucked into your pockets. Jimin was already asleep when you and Yoongi entered. You pulled the chair at Jimin’s bedside out for Yoongi to sit in. Yoongi placed his hand on Jimin’s forehead, pushing his fringe back. 

“He’s okay, Yoongi. Kept his food down. All he needs now is rest.” You leaned back against your desk, arms crossed. Yoongi hummed, pulling his hand away from Jimin. 

“I’ll go now.” He said and left the room. You sat on your side of the bed, staring at Jimin’s sleeping face. 

When Jimin stirred awake, the sun had set. He squinted his eyes, remembering where he was. Slowly, he turned his head beside him, you had fallen asleep in a sitting position.

“(y/n)... You’re gonna hurt yourself.” Jimin sighed. Even if his body ached, he was still able to push himself up and help you lie down comfortably. He fell back down beside you. You radiated warmth that made the still slightly feverish Jimin subconsciously scooted closer to you. 

--

“Aren’t you going to help me?” Jimin coughed. You stood by the side, arms crossed and eyebrows raised. It was a little late, way past dinner time.

“You took advantage of me when I was asleep.” You glared. 

“I didn’t! Y-You were just warm... So I gravitated to you...” Jimin blushed, looking away. Waking up with you and Jimin snuggling together was... eventful... to say the least. 

“Excuses.” You scoffed. 

“Well, you almost kicked me off the bed!” Jimin exclaimed. You walked down the stairs while Jimin slowly shuffled on his own, the sound of his house slippers brushing against the floor. The others were all chatting in the living room, each with their individual drinks. They turned their heads at the sound of both your footsteps approaching. 

“Look who’s awake.” Hoseok smiled. 

“I’m complaining about being taken advantage of while I was vulnerable.” You shouted as you walked past them to head into the kitchen. Jimin rolled his eyes, falling down onto the couch. 

“Want a-”

“If any of you feed him alcohol, you’re dead!” You threatened from the kitchen. The kitchen was empty with all the staff having gone home. 

“Hmm, let’s see.” With all the ingredients, you decided to make some spicy beef soup for Jimin, to clear his sinuses. While waiting for it to boil, you cut some fruit and made some citrus tea for him. 

“Here, have this first. The soup needs to simmer for a while.” You handed him a tray with the fruit and tea. 

“Smells good!” Jungkook grinned. 

“You can have a bowl too later, if you’d like. I made more than enough” You patted his head. You couldn’t cook like a restaurant chef but you did live alone before this so you made an effort to learn how to cook from your mother and you always tested new recipes on your own.

“Wow, you know how to cook too. You surprise us everyday, doc.” Namjoon chuckled. You scoffed at him. 

“You guys just don’t give me the chance to cook so you wouldn’t know.” You crossed your arms. When Jimin finished, you brought the tray to the kitchen. You checked the soup when someone came into the kitchen. 

“How is it?” Taehyung asked. 

“It’s still simmering. Here.” You let him taste a bit and he nodded his head, giving a thumbs up. Instead of leaving, he sat on one of the island chairs. 

“Can I fix you anything?” You offered, back facing him. 

“No.” He slid off the bar stool, heading to the pantry cupboard and digging for snacks that he could munch on. All you heard was the bubbling of the soup and his munching. Since he was munching on cookies, you warmed a glass of milk for him. Taehyung received the mug gratefully, holding it in both his hands as he took careful sips. 

“Jungkook, do you want a bowl?” You stuck your head out of the kitchen. 

“Yes!” He nodded his head and you took 3 bowls out, rinsing them with some warm water to warm them up. 

“You pay a lot of attention to details.” Taehyung pointed out. 

“Call it a habit, I guess.” You shrugged. After doing one final taste, you ladled some into the bowls and garnished them, putting some freshly cooked rice into the broth to make a rice and soup combination.

“I’ll help.” Taehyung took two bowls from you. 

“Here, Chim. This is yours.” You placed it on the coffee table. He slid to the ground, inhaling the scent and letting out a sigh of happiness. Jungkook clapped his hands excitedly too, taking a seat beside you on the ground as Taehyung placed the bowls down. 

“It looks and smells super good.” Hoseok leaned down to steal some broth from Jungkook, making the maknae whine.

“There’s extras if you’d all like some.” You told them. Soon, the others all had their own bowls of spicy beef broth and rice, some deciding not to dunk the rice in to soak, preferring to eat it separately. 

“You should cook more.” Yoongi said. 

“If you’d let me. I’ll be happy to.” You smiled, putting a spoonful of broth and rice into your mouth. 

“More!” Jungkook placed his second full bowl on the table. 

“Yah, it’s so late and you already ate dinner earlier! You’re going to puff up from all this liquid tomorrow!” Jin scolded. 

“But that was 3 hours ago!” Jungkook snorted, continuing to eat. Seeing as Jungkook took the last bit of broth, you saw Hoseok and Taehyung trying to steal some from him, much to the maknae’s annoyance.

“I’m going to put these in the sink.” You stood up, taking yours and Jimin’s empty bowl to the kitchen. 

“We can bring dishes on our own too. And leave the dishes tomorrow, you’ve done a lot by cooking enough to feed all of us already.” Namjoon patted your head as he walked past you. You nodded your head, heading back out to the living room. You went to your office and got some medications for Jimin to take before he went to bed.

“Here.” You gave it to him with some water. He downed them in one shot and you took a seat on the adjacent couch beside Yoongi. They all spoke business while you tried your best to stay awake but it was all too boring. 

You didn’t know when you fell asleep but when Yoongi felt a weight on his shoulder, he turned to see you fast asleep. 

“Don’t move.” Jin whispered harshly. 

“Why did you think I would?!” Yoongi hissed, stiff as a board. Even though you were only lying on Yoongi, the rest were also frozen, as if them moving would cause you to wake up too. 

“What should we do?” Jimin asked. 

“Jungkook can carry her, like the other time.” Hoseok suggested. Just as Jungkook stood up to head to you, you stirred, snuggling close to Yoongi.

“Maybe don’t move her? For now at least?” Taehyung put his hand out to stop the maknae. Yoongi took another glance at your sleeping figure and nodded in agreement with the younger. 

“Chim, you should turn in first. You’re still ill. If doc wakes up and finds out, we’ll all be dead.” Namjoon chuckled and the rest laughed in agreement. Even when you were asleep, the boys were still afraid of your wrath. Jimin nodded his head obediently, standing up with Taehyung and retreating. 

“Hyung, what about you?” Jungkook asked. 

“I’ll stay here a while more. Maybe she will wake up later. You guys go ahead.” Yoongi waved them all off, unbothered. He took his phone out and began scrolling through it.

“Hmm, you sure?” Jin tilted his head. Yoongi nodded in confirmation. 

“You wanna try and wake her up instead? Be my guest.” Yoongi challenged with a teasing smirk. 

“Goodnight, hyung! Call me if your shoulder breaks!” Jungkook zoomed out of there so quickly no one saw him. The rest put their hands up in defence too, heading out of the room and into their own for the night. Before leaving, Hoseok placed a blanket over the both of you. Yoongi scoffed at the maknae’s words, leaning his head back against the couch. 

The next morning, the butler was patrolling the house when he hushed the maids, seeing two figures on the couch. You were still there, fast asleep with a sleeping Yoongi’s head resting on top of yours. 

~~ 

Ko-fi link

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[shoezuki]

Tommy's prison/revival arc isnt well written actually

Anyways ive been wanting to talk on it a while for a bit here but havent had the Time or like. The thought to. But im gonna go off now.

First off im gonna say im ASSUMING this stream and plot of tommy being in the prison with dream is written entirely by tommy and dream. Wilbur May be involved in the latest stream but im not sure.

Bringing tommy back to life after only three days of him being dead did practically nothing to progress plot, the characters, or audience's understanding. In fact i feel that it damaged Other characters' potential and plot and already established plotlines.

The 'development' aspect

A really, really easy way to see if anything has changed or developed through an arc or plotline is to straightup just compare the 'beginning' to the 'end' in terms of the barebones situation. So;

Beginning: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream, his own abuser who has hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. He's terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

End: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream after being killed then revived by him, his own abuser whos hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. Hes terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

Okay. This is simplified obvious. But the point stands. ALTHOUGH the troupe of 'going back to the beginning' is common in the heroes journey its. It doesnt work here. Has tommy learned anything? Has he changed as a character? Is the severity of their situation any different? Have we, as the audience, learned anything new?

Im going to expand on that last point because i think it has the strongest potential argument. Technically for progression in literature and development of plot/characters, things can Change without them being Aware as characters. It can change just by the audience's perception changing or being challenge.

Slight example: i've been reading a webcomic called Your Throne. Its a fantasy/political drama about a noble lady who entered a competition with another noble lady to become the empress. The main lady lost despite her being a better fit, and the comic starts with the main lady trying to assassinate the empress. Its assumed and stated by the main lady that she 'ruined her life' and so thats all the readers know. However, later in the novel we see flashbacks to the competition itself and find that the two ladies were extremely close friends, neither wanting anything bad for the other, but it was the emperor himself who manipulated both of them for his own agenda. Those flashbacks gave us an entirely different idea of who the real antagonist is and completely changed the two main ladies' relationship. THAT is how the audience's understanding of the plot and novel can be used to change the entire story. We dont get such here though

Some things that were brought to light during tommy being dead/revived:

Dream is capable of reviving people infinitely

This was already implicated and assumed. The book dream has being a means of reviving people has been around Technically since schlatt's death. This just 'confirmed' what was known

Time works differently/feels longer in the afterlife

This doesnt really impact much beyond emotions and implications. If we had more insight into what the 'afterlife' is like beyond nothingness perhaps so. But really it just makes it so wilbur being dead for what feels like 9 years and tommy having been dead for 2 months appeal to emotions.

Wilbur is evil

This one fuckin sucks i cant lie HSKSHSISSGEGDV. Like i was gon go on bout it and i will but it jus sucks. We have nothing to go on besides tommy's word, no examlles of what Horrible things wilbur said could make tommy assume this, etcetc. Ill most likely make a seperate post on how this feels like we're just going to get 'wilbur is a horrible villain' type with him. But still. I feel wilbur Not Being Good isnt a new development.

Dream is going to revive wilbur

This doesnt feel new either, part because phil had wanted to revive wilbur before (ill get to that more later) and that tommy had kept dream alive/initially imprisoned him with the idea of him reviving wilbur.

Dream believes wilbur will break him out of prison

Okau this makes no sense to me actually. I cwnt understand How exactly wilbur would be able to do this? Or why dream believes he even Could? Mans been dead for like 9 years and all we Know of the afterlife is that its black... nothingness. How would 9 years of that make wilbur capable of busting the prison open?

So. Yeah. All in all this plotline hasnt done anything new, developed things, or altered people's perceptions. We just ended up back at square one. Back to tommy being traumatized, dream being 'evil' and horrible and doing villain monologues, and them being stuck together.

Other characters and plotlines

Im pretty damn sure tommy's revival fucked up a LOT of other characters' plotlines and potential development. Honestly i feel this has a lot to do with the writers not communicating with other ccs well enough. But Ill talk about specific characters from least to most fucked over in my opinion:

Sam

He's the best off. He hqd been there during tommy's death, had been close to tommy, had majorly blamed himself and his own mistakes for tommy's death. His grief and self hatred was actually really heartbreaking and well done. The attached character of Sam Nook being unaware of tommy's death and simply waiting for tommy to return was a really good parallel to sam's own grief and anger. like it really snapped sam the guy who cares for tommy and wants to do Right by him back together with him as the Warden of the prison. Mixed personal life with 'just business'.

I feel it wouldve been nice to have him like. Have more time to grieve properly and come to terms eith tommy's death and his own involvement/influence over the events. Him finding tommy alive again Could be a means of him like. Facing his own grief head on if done well.

Ranboo

Mostly in the context of him and sam's argument do i feel it got screwed over. The weight of them yelling at each other and trying to find who to blame and the implications that Maybe ranboo was the one who caused the security breach that closed down the prison on tommy just.... doesnt hit so hard anymore. Because how can there be blame and arguments and a 'who done it' mystery when tommy popped up all fine again?

Puffy

I dony know much of her involvement or how she found out tommy died (besides metagaming shhhhh) but i saw her monologuing of how they 'failed' tommy and like. Her whole 'he was so young we the Adults failed him' spiel is like........... inconsequential? Now??? Like no dont worry he died but hes alright now.

Philza

BET YOU DIDNY EXPECT TO SEE THIS FUCKER!!!!!! But actually though i want to talk bout how this ties into phil. A LOT. for Zalbr ❤. But also because i see ppl tying phil to tommy's death n like nah shutup u doin it wrong. Ill go off more in a Wilbur Post. But essentially: i dont like that dream is now going to revive wilbur. I feel they arent going to tie philza into this Despite phil having originally been trying to revive his son and studying on it and Attempting and Failing. But now suddenly dream can just. Say some magic words and Poof wilbur lives? So we're just going to Kill philza's revival attempts plotline and leave that hanging? This made his efforts seem pointless and Wack like oh why didnt you just Say The Magic Words phil????

Niki

I feel really bad for niki. She hasnt been able to do a lore stream during tommy's 'death' (she tweeted she wanted to but her computer wasnt working) and considering her entire character.... that shit is important. We seen it with Jack Manifold how tommy's death impacted Him considering he literally wanted tommy dead. And since niki is in a similar boat to jack of trying to kill tommy and it being her Only goal...... thats extremely important.

BUT. i feel there wasnt any communication. Did she or anyone even know tommy would be revived? Did no one consider they could At Least let her do a single stream on it? Like jack manifold????

We couldve gotten a Really good niki lore stream. I genuinely was so excited for it and i dont regularly watch her. But we seen it with jack manifold which is why i dont feel he got screwed because mans genuinely did So Good he could pop off with anything n i think it works in His favour. But now........ for niki. Canonically she never even knew tommy was Dead. So its like nothing even happened for her. Is she just supposed to continue on trying to kill tommy with no progression?

What i think would work

This is more me being like 'hey @ the dsmp writers let me in' type speculation sbosegussgs. But i was thinkin on a Really easy way to 'fix' this without rewriting lore and the streams.

Dream should kill tommy again now that he's been revived and Leave Him Dead.

More development for the characters who are affected by his death Especially niki. More time for grief and self reflection and development

A chance for the audience to figure out what the 'afterlife' really is.

Dream is supposed to be smart and a master manipulator or something right? Why doesnt he use being able to revive tommy as a bargaining chip with sam for his own freedom?

The audience would now Know dream's intentions with tommy better, that this death isnt 'final', but we could still see other characters' grief and reactions and coping without it feeling cheap. Ive seen some 'but people dont know tommy is alive so hes still dead in their mind' but that sucks imo.

We'd know more on dream's ability to revive people and that he can just Do It on a whim (which i think sucks but hey im trying) but no one else would know this canonically

Okay. Im done. If you read this. Thankyou. I love you. Hmu.

#mcyt #dream smp #dream smp critical #tommyinnit #dream #im puttin this in main tags took me too fuckin long to write for me Not to #death mention #ask to tag

[mc-critical]

I love to boring you but what do you think of Murad IV in MC:Kosem ? I really like him but he seriously need of a therapy with a psy *a great one !* and i don't think he treated Ayse (or Farya !) correctly ! He is trash (more trash than any others characters i think) but i also like her complexity. How do you find him ? Do you think he deserve more recognization like Selim or not at all ?

I don't like him one bit as a person. He's problematic, hypocritical and abusive and his actions go beyond every sort of justification, no matter how much he tries to justify them himself. However, he is interesting and complex as a character and you can still see where he comes from and how do his beliefs unfold. He clearly has a detailed arc; and that arc causes him to be way more paranoid, way more selfish, way more overindulgent, which was to his detriment.

Let's face it: the show portrayed him as a very bad ruler (I spoke about why here) and from what I've read, historically, he isn't any better, either. I don't know what does he deserve to be recognized for, aside from the conquering of Baghdad, which did nothing to absolve his crimes in the show, aside from how well-written he is. Any possible redeeming quality of his is destroyed by all his problematic actions piling in and all we've left is a nuanced exploration of his problematic traits. With MC Selim we have a much more understandable circumstance, the child neglect which explained his drinking and lay low tendencies and why it looked like he didn't care for what the other brothers did. Thing is, Selim arguably wasn't all that problematic at first (the provocations between him and Bayezid were more mutual than anything else) and what really pushed him to "villainy" was the death of Mustafa and Cihangir, the complete destruction of the concept of brotherly love in his head. His redeeming qualities were as balanced as his "villainy" and you see within how human he is and how everyone around him who wasn't Nurbanu did somewhat screw him over from the start. The nuance is on his entire persona, not on his problematic deeds. I do believe that MC Selim's writing should be way more respected, because of all the nuance. I don't think he's fit for a padişah in the show, but he isn't some cardboard cutout who only drinks and schemes. He has actual issues, desires, sensitivity, vulnerability and compassion. Murat is a different kind of a character. He's both a bad ruler and a horrible person, he doesn't really have a transitional point to begin his problematic deeds, since he's like this in the beggining. He has his reasons in his backstory, but they recontextualize his paranoia, not what comes out of this paranoia. His transitional point was more him getting even surer of his beliefs than beggining a path of ruthlessness. Worse, it strips him from any possible scruple he had deep inside and what we would see from this point on is his further moral descent and nothing else. He has two areas of justification: a fragment of his past and the "Shadow of God" mentality that only ring more shallow the further we go. (it's fascinating writing-wise, but that's about it.) With Selim at least we have his motives becoming stronger the more we go and watch him succeed. They're different thematic explorations altogether and one of them isn't much on the sympathetic or deserving of recognition spectrum by design.

What I like the most about Murat's writing is that no matter how strong and dangerous it is, his paranoia comes from a real place. While with Süleiman we only had hints of said paranoia in a few flashbacks, with Murat we had an actually devastating, shown on-screen event that had the harder job of making such sudden by the show change more believable. Murat, for whatever he is, is shown a tiny bit of understanding by the script when there actually are people actively working behind his back. Süleiman assumes he's been betrayed, but since the events that open his paranoia are mostly events molded or completely taken out of context and no one actively works behind his back until much after said paranoia was allowed to occur (even Mustafa's organization worked primarily against Hürrem, not SS, one attempt to kill SS aside, which the object of his paranoia saved him from!!!!) - we, as audience, have no reason to buy it whatsoever, which brought the understanding for SS soo down for me. But Murat's paranoia made him go way out of proportion to the point he went even further than SS by willing to end the whole state so he could be there and rule. And just like SS, his paranoia quickly became all selfish in nature to the point of alienating everyone around him who wants to give him decent advice and thinking himself as right all the time. He wanted to be a lone wolf, driven by toxic masculinity from the start. And him feeling overshadowed by Kösem... no matter how understandable it has the chance to be because of the time period, made him blind and instead of gaining experience in order to rule unscathed and firm, he decided to fixate himself on the past and on his role and possible deep-seated resentment of his mother, he made all the wrong decisions in every aspect of his life.

His anger issues are especially illuminating, since he tends to lash out on the slightest thing gone wrong, to the point of exercising physical violence. His anger probably stemmed from how he could only watch during Osman's death and the subconscious blaming of Kösem because of it, along with Musa's death and them not giving him time to shine, something he thought belonged to him and was his right, but by ruminating on all this, he, once again, focuses on his own feelings and own world, he, once again, reaches devastating extremes. Anyone who ever tries to defy him suffers from this. Anyone who tries to defy him is evaluated by how much he's fitting for his mold, for his world, something far beyond a wish for loyalty.

He didn't love any of his women, IMO. His physical violence and abuse was highlighted by his dynamics with them the most and he always decided on the harshest punishments when it came to them. One might argue that his relationship with Farya played its part in somewhat humanizing Murat and disguising this overally questionable at its impossibly best love story for ratings and stuff, but the more we went, the more abusive it got and Farya could never get over his unpredictable and turbulent nature that strived to strictly control every single thing that was close to him to toxic levels. I won't even begin with how he treated Ayşe, because that was such a trainwreck and she deserved much better than to constantly fear for her life, because this guy could go immediately crazy and kill her and her kids. With Sanavber it was only slight infatuation and that's all for me, because in that point, I doubt this guy was capable of love. One Murat went and there came the other before Sanavber arrived and Murat was on the path to become his cruelest self.

All in all, I don't mind anyone going out there and trying to explore him ( in fact, I would actually love such discussions!), but he's hot trash, he should die in fire along with Süleiman and I'm struggling everyday to declare which one is worse in my book, because they suck the same for me, but in different ways. I appreciate their narrative roles, but otherwise... screw them both.

#magnificent century #muhteşem yüzyıl #muhtesem yuzyil #magnificent century: kösem #magnificent century kösem #magnificent century kosem #muhteşem yüzyıl kösem #murad iv #ask #misssyivertongue

[trashmenofmarvel]

Branded - Chapter 26

Pairing: Demon!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Something went wrong. Very wrong.

(This is a fan AU of Falling’s Just Another Way to Fly by araniaart​ . Please check out this incredible series for all of your demon Bucky needs.)

Chapter Warnings: Torture, violence, psychological abuse, brainwashing, demon slavery, implied past noncon, no actual noncon in this chapter (but it gets close)

AO3

You whipped around, heart in your throat, unable to breathe from the shock of the scream. It was strained, agonizing, and arrested the blood in your veins.

Bucky was sitting in a chair, his arms strapped down as a metal contraption encircled his head. Electricity sparked against his skin, and he continued to scream.

“Bucky!”

You tried to run but couldn’t move, your feet glued to the floor, and you were forced to remain where you were as Bucky howled in agony.

There were other people in the room, soldiers dressed in uniforms and men wearing lab coats. Catwalks stretched above your head, grey stone at your feet, and in the back of the room an iron chamber of some sort. Smoke or fog curled from the opening, strange glyphs written across its surface.

You ignored it all, your entire attention focused on Bucky.

What was going on? What were they doing to him?

The torment finally stopped. It must have, because Bucky slumped in the chair, chest heaving as hair clung to his sweat-soaked forehead, the metal device lifting from his crown. A man spoke a language you didn’t know, but the longer he spoke the more you understood the words.

The words themselves didn’t make much sense, but he chanted them like an incantation. Longing. Rusted. Furnace. Daybreak. With each one uttered, Bucky grew more calm, his twitching snarl smoothing into a neutral stare.

Only then did your eyes drop downward to truly take in his appearance. He wasn’t clothed in the jacket and jeans he’d been wearing a moment ago. A tactical harness covered his chest, combat pants and boots on his legs. His very human legs.

That was different. His guise was dropped, and everything else looked the same. The wings, the horns, his tail looped tightly around his leg. The armored arm with the pentagram carved into the stony flesh.

But why were his legs human?

Because, you realized, this was a different time. One where he wasn’t fully the demon you knew.

I’m trapped in his memory. The wrong memory.

“Bucky…”

Your pained whisper went unnoticed. Of course it would. You were just a passive observer over something that had already happened. But when had this happened? What exactly were you witnessing?

Seeking the answers, you paid attention to the man who was addressing Bucky. He carried a strange red tome with a pentagram on the cover, and it was from here he’d recited the nonsensical words. He closed the book shut with a definitive snap and set it aside, turning his cold gaze on the demon in the chair.

“Good morning, Soldier,” he spoke in the language you didn’t know but could somehow understand. It sounded Slavic, possibly Russian.

Bucky answered in a low growl you barely recognized.

“Ready to comply.”

You wanted to run to him. Scream at him. Shake him awake from this nightmare. But it had already happened, and there was nothing you could do to change it.

“I have a mission for you.” The man held out a folder to Bucky, fully expecting his cooperation. “Sanction and extract. No witnesses.”

Bucky lowered his gaze… and looked up. Directly at you.

You’d encountered many things that had terrified you. Alpen. Heigore. A cursed flesh-book that communicated with your own blood. All those things couldn’t have prepared you for the existential terror that gripped your body in a vice.

Bucky took the folder without glancing at it, his dead, empty gaze still focused on you. He rose from the chair and walked forward. You flinched and braced yourself, but he walked past, close enough you could feel the displacement of air.

You were just a ghost to him. That fact didn’t erase the chill that clung to your skin like dread.

The scene blurred and shifted, and you nearly lost your balance. But of course, you couldn’t fall. You couldn’t tell what was different at first—the room looked exactly the same, though there were less people in it. Bucky and the uniformed officer were standing near the chair.

The man opened a silver briefcase while Bucky stood at his side, also gazing down at the contents. IV bags full of blue liquid. You didn’t understand the significance, didn’t even know what year it was, but it felt horribly important.

“Well done, Soldier.”

Bucky said nothing, eyes just as hollow and empty as before. This wasn’t truly Bucky. The looming, dark figure that wore his face was the infamous Winter Soldier.

“Would you like your reward now?”

“Yes, Colonel,” Bucky responded in that same low growl, the one devoid of personality and humanity.

You pressed the back of your hand against your mouth, but nothing came out except a shaky breath. Hopefully that meant you couldn’t vomit in a memory, because you were dangerously close to doing so. After what Bucky had told you, it wasn’t difficult to guess what “reward” this man planned for him.

Being unable to move did not spare you from avoiding the next scene. The air around you shifted again, and this time it truly did change. You sensed it was in the same research facility or bunker—the place had that heavy, underground feel to it—but it was in a smaller, warmer space. Dotted with furniture made of dark wood, electric lamps flickering on the walls, and to the side a large bed draped in a thick green blanket.

A bedroom.

Your stomach roiled violently, but the two occupants were ignorant of your presence and distress.

Bucky stood in the center of the room, his hands placed behind his back. His guise was back in place, his demonic features gone, but it did nothing to make him appear any more human.

“At first, I found this method of feeding to be�� inconvenient.”

Your head turned unwillingly toward the source of the voice. Colonel. That’s what Bucky had called him.

“But as time moves on, and you continue to be a faithful soldier…” The Colonel traced a pale finger down Bucky’s jaw, the man’s stare no longer cold. It was interested, predatory. Simmering. “…I can see the benefits of partaking in such a meal.”

Bile rose in your throat, and you curled your hands into tight fists at your side. Your eyes stung so badly you had to blink to keep your vision clear.

Were you really going to have to watch this? This horrible thing that Bucky would never have wanted to show you of his own free will? Where was he? Why wasn’t he with you? Surely he would be just another observer of his own memories, not forced to be a participant.

Something had gone horribly wrong.

“I live to serve you, Master.”

It was the wrong thing to say. The man slapped Bucky across the face, open-handed.

Bucky did nothing but slowly turn his head forward again.

“Do not use such barbaric language,” the man hissed. “It does not become you.”

Bucky dropped his gaze, but there was nothing contrite in his deadened tone.

“My apologies, sir.”

Raising a hand, the man softly patted the cheek he’d just slapped.

“All is forgiven. You are the relic of a bygone era. It is not in your nature to adapt, only to obey and to feed. Isn’t that right?”

Bucky’s downcast eyes focused on the man’s belt buckle as he unlatched it. The hunger was the first sign of life that you’d seen in them so far.

This can’t be happening, you thought. Prayed. Please, no.

“On your knees, Soldier.”

Bucky obeyed without hesitation, dropping into a kneeling position as he stared up at the Colonel expectantly. The man finished unbuckling his belt and opened his pants, pushing them and his underwear down far enough to pull himself out.

You wanted to look away. Turn your head and pretend it wasn’t happening. But it had happened, to Bucky. He’d actually lived this while all you had to do was watch. Witnessing what he’d had to endure was the least you could do, and it wasn’t as if you had a choice, either way.

“Tell me,” the man said as he began to stroke his half-hard cock. “What was it like?”

Bucky said nothing but slightly tilted his head in an unspoken question. The Colonel huffed, a hint of impatience.

“What was it like to kill him?” he clarified. “The great Howard Stark?”

Howard Stark? you wondered, the name fresh on your mind from your recent search on Bucky’s past.

In your confusion, you almost missed it. The flutter of his eyelashes, the flash of tension in Bucky’s jaw. It was a sign you’d seen many times before when Bucky was irritated. Irritated and about to say something scathing.

The motion was quick, subtle, and the man didn’t notice. But you did.

Bucky remained silent, but the man above him, still stroking himself to hardness, kept speaking.

“I wish I could have been there to see it. America’s most brilliant industrialist. The Icon of America’s Strength. Butchered by nothing more than a Soviet ghost.”

The man’s smirk grew and Bucky’s frown deepened. His eyes were no longer staring hungrily at the Colonel’s exposed cock, but past him, far away. Growing darker with every word the man spoke.

“It is almost a shame no one will know the truth. That the boogieman they all fear is quite real and far worse than their deepest nightmares.” The man sighed wistfully, then blinked, seeming to remember what he was doing as he gazed down at Bucky.

“Either way, you served your purpose well. Now… open.”

Bucky stayed motionless. He didn’t seem to even hear the command, staring forward as the corners of his lips tightened.

The Colonel frowned, more perturbed than angry.

“Were you damaged during the mission?”

“No, sir.”

“Then, open.”

Bucky did not. The man scowled, finally noticing the Winter Soldier was no longer willing to take orders.

“Open, Soldier.”

Bucky winced, favoring his left shoulder. A painful punishment, you realized, for disobeying. The mark was compelling him to listen, and yet… he didn’t. He remained on his knees, posture rigid even as blood trickled from the pentagram carved into his skin.

Fingers wrapped in Bucky’s unkempt hair and yanked backwards, forcing him to look up. The Colonel gave him a cruel shake, eyes blazing with the aggression of a dominant figure being ignored.

“Obey me!”

Bucky stared at him. Truly. There was no vacant emptiness in his eyes now. There was only quiet fury.

“No.”

With Bucky’s answer, the air shimmered around him. Wings unfurled, horns swept backwards, tail angrily lashing against the floor.

The Colonel scrambled backwards as Bucky rose to his feet. The man clumsily stuffed himself into his pants, tripping over his feet as he grasped at something on his desk.

Bucky descended on him, raising his right arm and flexing his fingers to extend his dark claws.

The man spun around and fired. The sound was deafening in the small space, but you could still hear Bucky’s howl of pain

Bucky grabbed his shoulder, bleeding profusely from where he’d been shot at the exposed part of his arm. He stomped forward, determination twisting his features, but the man fired again, this time into Bucky’s chest.

A klaxon blared above and you covered your ears the same moment Bucky covered his, and he snarled miserably before stumbling out of the room. He fled down the hall, the tips of his wings brushing against the concrete walls on either side, but there were already soldiers coming after him. From many of the terrified, shocked expressions on their faces, many of them had no idea what Bucky truly was.

They gunned him down, all the same.

Up until that moment, you’d been so enraptured by the memory that you’d nearly faded into it, forgetting yourself and beginning to experience Bucky’s emotions as if they were your own.

Watching Bucky fall, bleeding profusely from multiple bullet holes, changed that. You were very aware of your own mind, of the horror and grief that gripped it as you sank to your knees beside him.

He gasped for breath, eyelids fluttering as he tried to keep them open. And then he looked at you. He looked right at you and saw you.

Blood bubbled up from his mouth, but his expression was… calm. No, more than that. Relieved. The nightmare was over. They would never use him again.

You reached out, tears burning your eyes as your fingertips brushed against his cheek. But he vanished under your fingertips; Bucky’s body collapsed and fluttered away as if dust.

Or ashes.

The latter felt more accurate to you, because the next breath you took was searing. The cold of the bunker was replaced by a barren landscape of red rock and burning, sulfuric air.

The pull you’d experienced earlier, the tug toward something deeper in Bucky’s memory, it was too strong to refuse this time.

When you opened your mouth to cry out, you coughed and gagged instead, and the next breath you took was not your own.

Next Chapter

#demon!bucky barnes #demon!bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #demon!bucky barnes x reader #branded #my writing #my fanfiction

[deripmaver]

4 5 6 for ALL OF THE CaPri FANFICS

LKSJMDHGVLKSJ ALL OF THEM???

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue? 5: What part was hardest to write? 6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

Ink On Paper (tongue fic) 4. lmfaoooooooo there isn't a whole lot of dialogue in this one oop-

Laurent nodded. The wax softened as he pressed his hand into it, erasing his previous message. Soft, warm, melting under his touch. He wrote again, I need someone who is not afraid to read out the insults I make towards the idiots at court. You have been fired, Damianos.

i guess it technically counts lmfao. i just wanted to show laurent post-trauma still able to make jokes and snipe at his husband so it wasnt all doom and gloom 5. i'm not sure exactly what "hardest to write" here means because like... a lot of these fic have serious gore or otherwise upsetting content, but both emotionally and actually writing wise i find that kind of thing actually pretty easy to write hahahaha. i think i got stuck with the chronology and the decision to make it non-linear made it flow a lot better. for the record writing laurent getting raped and then having his tongue cut out was actually very easy to write, i think i got it out in basically one go. #cancelme the more fucked up and intense the easier i find to nyoom through it 6. my first ever fic in the capri fandom!!!! hehehehhehehe <333333 Level Of Concern (plan B fic) 4.

Before Nicaise could say anything, Laurent spat, “Does he know you had your first heat?”

SURPRISE nic was the one who was pregnant the whole time!!!!!!! 5. this one i banged out REALLY quickly so i cant think of anything here 6. capri omegaverse!!!!!!! i wish there was more of this 🥺🥺🥺 Like Me (what if Auguste was also abused fic) 4. ******CW INCEST MENTION CW ABUSE MENTION******

“Your brother’s stuck his dick in every single member of your family,” Auguste spat out, laughing, crying, and so miserable he thought his heart would stop. His voice rose again, and he felt something burst from him as he screamed for the whole world to hear, “Did you know that? Did you, huh papa? Did he fuck you too?”

dude this line is so fucked up lmfao but i enjoyed writing it so much. actually this entire scene where auguste is having his breakdown was really intense to write and im really pleased with how it came out OR

Auguste grabbed him suddenly, looking up into his grief-stricken face desperately. “Please, Laurent,” he pleaded, voice breaking. “Please. Don’t let him end up like me.”

i felt entirely too clever with this line lmfao. i was like ~ooooohhhhh title drop~ im so dumb 5. i just remember this one like. dragged on for some time. i couldnt figure out what to do with it, how to get everything to coalesce around the final reveal about auguste 6. plot twist!!!!!!! plus auguste angst. i really enjoyed this one, i wrote it after watching the movie Spotlight which is one of my all time faves Softly, Gently 4.

“My King has been overexerting himself again, I presume?” Paschal sighed, shaking his head with a fond smile. “When have I ever done that?” Laurent cocked his head to the side, a wry smile on his face.

hehehehe sassy laurent my beloved <33333 5. honestly im just going to skip this one from now on lskjghmvlksjhglkvsjhdl i just get "stuck" sometimes without rhyme or reason and its usually on boring stuff, but then i cant remember later. the hardest part for me is when my dumb fucking adhd brain wont let me focus on writing but once i overcome that its usually pretty smooth sailing 6. horny omegaverse.................... my beloved............... giving men vaginas for horny reasons my beloved......................... Water of Life (birth fic)

“Do you want to hold him?” Erasmus breathed, eyes glassy. The baby cried, Erasmus bouncing him tenderly in those sunkissed arms. He looked apologetic. “Only for a moment, it’s not quite over yet.” A playful smile danced on Erasmus’ lips, and he brushed away a slick, damp curl from the wailing baby’s head. “A head this big, he certainly takes after Exalted.”

a cute, fun lil line in the sea of horrible angst lmfao ORRRRRR

Erasmus knelt before Damen, before Laurent. He said, “Exalted… Can you command his Highness to push?” Damen froze. “Do you mean…?” Erasmus nodded. “Alpha command.” Damen’s expression crumpled. He said, in a voice that shattered Erasmus’ heart, “I can’t. I can’t do that to him.” Erasmus licked his lips. “Exalted, in this state, he can’t push. His contractions are weaker. He’ll-” “I can’t,” Damen cried, clinging to Laurent’s limp body like a lifeline. “He’d… He’d never forgive me.”

damen is so sweet........ he loves laurent so much...... ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

He stopped at the doorframe, turning to face Laurent with tears in his eyes, and whispered, “How long does it take, your Highness?” Laurent, shocked enough to respond, hissed, “What?” “I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking of it,” Erasmus said, voice thick in his throat, tears burning at his eyes. “How long until it’s over?”

real sad hours if u up click like. i love erasmus and laurent bonding over their shared trauma <33333333333333333333 laurent and erasmus friendship propaganda 24-fucking-7 bay bee!!!!! 6. unironically this is one of my fav fic ive ever written skdljmfhgvlksjdhflmgkvjshldkjfghvmls call the midwife is one of my favorite shows and writing this made me look at birth as something visceral and possibly horrible and traumatic. i wanna write more fucked up birth scenes, SO MANY MORE. ridley scott knew what he was doing Sandalwood (erasmus/kallias my sweet boys i love u so much) 4.

“I do,” Erasmus breathes, ducking his head, flushed as though embarrassed. “In the gardens, the perfume from the orange trees all around us on those summer nights.” Kallias smiles behind him – Erasmus knows his body so intimately he can feel it in how Kallias’ posture changes, though he can’t see the soft turn of his lips. “The scent was so cloying I thought it would drive me mad. It made me want to kiss you senseless.” Erasmus laughs, breathlessly, imagining the warm heat of Kallias’ mouth against his. “Don’t blame that on the orange trees, dear one.”

beloved..................... im weeping.......... 6. these two make me fuckign CRY ON THE REG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH MY SWEET BOYS YOU DESERVE THE WORLD- Wisps of Smoke******************* (lauguste fic) 4. ***CW EXPLICIT INCEST*** (i mean....... obviously lmfao)

“Call me what I like,” Auguste growled against his ear. “You know what I like.” He did. Laurent did. He knew everything Auguste liked – the slow flick of Laurent’s tongue on the underside of his cock, that tender spot behind his earlobe, the way Laurent’s thighs looked straddled atop him like his horse – and this. “Brother,” Laurent gasped, desperate, “Brother, please, harder. Harder.”

i wanted the incest to be explicitly part of the kink here lmfaoooooo 6. hehehehehehehhehehehhehe lauguste................... i need to write more of u But I Love It (laurent is allergic to latex fic) 4.

“Laurent,” Auguste said, voice high in warning. Laurent braced himself, stiffening visibly. With what seemed to be monumental effort, Auguste continued, “You know, Laurent. I’m proud of you.”

IM A SOFT BITCH OK???????????????? auguste is PROUD of his baby bro for overcoming his sexual trauma and getting that fat dick 6. SLJHVDLMKJDHGVLK PEOPLE FUCKING LOVED THIS FIC i tried to be funny and i think it worked. plus some softe bits thrown in. i also kind of see lots of humor fic where its a no abuse au, but i wanted to write something comedic where the regent still. existed u kno????? anyways hahahahha i dont think i can write anything like this again but im glad y'all liked it Is It Cold In The Water (slice of life fic) 4.

Laurent opens his mouth to say something cheeky, but instead, what comes out is: “Do you think Aimeric had the right idea?” Damen is quiet for so long, gaze serious and framed with his long, dark lashes, that Laurent wonders if he’d spoken aloud at all – and when he’s sure he had, he realizes Damen had remembered Aimeric after all. When he speaks again, the sleep is gone from his voice. “Laurent,” Damen says carefully, as though approaching a spooked horse, “Is something wrong?”

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 soft,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 6. ruby likes this fic lskjdvhmflgksfjdhmvglkjsdhflkvgmjhlekjfhdvlgskjfhv im a SIMP- The Devil's Got Nothing On Me (AIMERIC FIC LEGGOOOO) 4. there are lots of lil nuggets in here!!!!

Aimeric blinks, and all he can think is, you knew? He says, "I – I just." "I am a patient man," Guion breathes, "I support everyone in my household. Everyone. But Aimeric, you are truly testing my patience. Your mother came to me in tears, begging me to find you. Look at what you did to her! There was nothing I could say until we found you!" "I'm sorry," Aimeric whispers, looking at Loyse, "I'm-" "Look at me," Guion roars.

this conversation was inspired by a very miserable encounter with my boss lmfao. fuck that guy and fuck guion

The regent, blue eyes sparkling - and Aimeric has never thought eyes could look just like a summer sky until now - says to Guion but really to Aimeric, "I was thinking I could take little Aimeric riding tomorrow. Just the two of us." Loyse says, before Guion can speak, voice trembling with relief, "I think that's a wonderful idea, your Highness."

~dramatic irony~ lmfaoooooooooo. WE know of course that this is a bad thing, but it's always fun to have characters make bad choices that they have no idea are bad. i also did this briefly in "Like Me" with auguste's ex wife taking nicaise to church because she was so overwhelmed at home and he offered to help. of course, the regent is always happy to help out. evil evil evil

"-was worried it might be difficult for him." A soft, lilting laugh. The guards had said the regent was in the library, and then there is Guion, right there with him. Aimeric is suddenly angry, not sure why his father is with the regent, who is his and no one else's. The regent responds, "I daresay it's been perfectly easy. It seems you've done most of the work already."

i wanted to highlight the fact that it was aimeric's neglect that lead him to the regent in the first place. hence "youve done most of the work already" - guion by ignoring and neglecting aimeric created the perfect environment for the regent to sweep in and take advantage. like leaving food out btwn 40-140 F is a perfect breeding ground for bacteria LOL. the books touch on that but i wanted to make it explicit

He is so, so ashamed. It's unbearable, the thought of her kind eyes, the way she cried for him, the way he pushed her away. Before he'd left to join the prince's guard, she had taken his hand, kissed it, and said in a voice fragile as glass, "It's been such a long time since I've seen you smile like that," but in that moment he could think only of the regent's letter warm in his pocket.

6. honestly i know ive sounded super conceited this whole time but i kind of tear up whenever i read through the end of the fic lmfao. aimeric is just so fucking depressing as a character and i love that i really got to explore that in this fic. he really didnt have anyone, did he????? he's like a tragic greek character where you just watch him stumbling towards his inevitable end and it hurts the whole time. its even worse on the reread ANYWAYYYYYYY thats it. thanks so much for the ask anon!!!!!!! feel free to send me more!!!

#captive prince fanfic #captive prince #captive prince fanfiction #ask meme #capri fanfic

[ofclaires]

IV. CLAIRE WALSH

PAST SELF PARAS: april 2020 / september 2020 / march 2021. 

hi, before the read more i just wanted to say THANK YOU. getting to play claire has been absolutely a treat, a challenge, and genuinely, a huge part of my life for the past year and a half or so. it occurred to me when writing this and looking back at other things i’ve written for claire that i didn’t just feel like i was writing this for myself or for claire ; but i was writing it for you guys, too ! that has been one of the most special things about gallagher for me is the writing community that i feel like we built, taking such a huge investment in our characters and everyone else’s writing. i feel like i’m writing with and for some of my best friends. i also feel like i’ve grown so much ( ok, i actually don’t just feel like it, i can look back at those three paras and SEE how my writing has improved. ) i am so blessed to have gotten to write claire with all of you and to share her story, i feel like she has been so fucking beloved & it’s given her so much life. i am so proud of her and it’s really bittersweet that i’m finally saying goodbye to her as well. so, thank you all so, so much, gallagher has been a writing experience like no other for me & i love you all ! 

trigger warnings : domestic violence & abuse, death

PART ONE: CHILDHOOD.

The trailer that Claire spent the back half of her childhood in never felt like home. Maybe because trailers are made to be temporary, or the fact that if she accepted that this was where she belonged, she’d have to give up hope.

It’s normal Maggie Walsh to be out late, Claire’s usually cleaned up the kitchen and tucked herself into bed by the time her mother comes in the door – but she’s not sleeping. She’s always had trouble with that, brain bouncing around from one thought to the next until eventually she hears the creak of the door.

Her mom’s home.

She hears the usual stumbling, the clatter of dishes falling from where she’d neatly placed them on the drying rack. Maggie’s drunk, Claire’s sure of that. Ten years old and she knows what it means to be so drunk that you can hardly see straight, that the words you say under the influence are a different reflection from the person that you really are. She inhales deeply and crawls out from under the covers to check on her. Ten years old and she knows the steps: Help her take her makeup off, make sure she sleeps on her side, glass of water on the bedside table, trash can on the floor. Maggie is only twenty-six years old herself now, not done with her childhood by the time that Claire was born, not ready to be a mother. Claire’s had to figure it out most of it herself.

“Mom?” Claire knocks on the door lightly, plastic cup full of water already in hand.

“Don’t – don’t come in!” Maggie sputters, and Claire’s confused. She defies her request and opens the bedroom door the rest of the way. When she sees her mom, she drops the cup on the floor, small hands curling into fists.

“What happened? Who did that to you?”

“I told you not to come in here, Claire,” Maggie repeats, but Claire has always been on to disregard commands. She learns at a young age that authority only means older than you or some assigned title, not that they know best.

“Who did that? Why?” She repeats her questions. Despite being mature for her age, it’s hard for Claire to wrap her head around the black eye obscuring Maggie’s face, and the swelling on her cheek.

“It doesn’t matter,” Maggie sighs, dejected as she flops down on the bed. Even in her state, she knows that there’s not much use telling Claire to back off or go away once she’s decided that she’s not going to. Her little girl is a spitfire, strangely enough reminds Maggie a lot of her own mom, like living with a miniature version of her. Maybe that’s why Claire wins most arguments. “Come here.”

Claire walks closer to the bed, kicking the cup aside on her way for no reason other than to kick something. She crawls into bed next to her mom and looks up at her, waiting for more of an explanation or literally anything but silence. 

“I don’t know why I keep looking for a happy ending. I leave you home alone, I come home like this...not helping either of us,” Maggie presses a kiss to the top of Claire’s head, runs her fingers through her daughter’s hair. It’s so soft and Claire is so little, she can’t help but look at the spilled cup on the floor with a pang of guilt. “I’m sorry,” she adds, voice choked up and words a little slurred. Tears squeeze out of the corners of her eyes when she closes them, hugging her daughter closer, “I’ve blamed you for my fucked up life for so long...that’s not fair.”

Now, Claire is only ten, but those are the kind of words that you remember forever. Still, she smiles. “It doesn’t have to stay fucked up. It can get better,” a childish spark of optimism in her heart that hasn’t yet been put out. It makes Maggie smile back though, kissing her daughter on the top of her head yet again.

“I like that,” she says, and they fall asleep curled up beside each other. Claire sleeps soundly, thinking that it’s possible. Things really could get better, and for a while, it seems like there really is a sort of shift. Maggie starts cooking, cleaning again, and she doesn’t even stay out so late. That’s when she meets Martin.

He seems better than the rest. Until he isn’t.

But Claire does her job as her mother’s protector, just as she’s been doing all of her life, and it’s that event that jumpstarts the rest of everything that happens next.

PART TWO: GRADUATION.

Claire’s come to the formal conclusion that graduation ceremonies are a waste of time. There’s all this build up, everyone’s so excited, and then you have to sit around and wait for your name to be called so you can spend two seconds walking across a stage while everyone claps. She would have skipped it entirely if her mother hadn’t already come up, and if she knew that people were going to insist. The small talk afterward is even more agonizing than the ceremony itself. It is sort of painful saying goodbye to everyone, and it occurs to Claire that there’s more people that she’s going to miss than she ever expected.

“Callum and his mother are here,” Maggie points out.

“And?” Claire rolls her eyes. Seeing Callum again to begin with had brought up a lot of old feelings, and generally, even though they’d resolved things, she tries to avoid him whenever possible.

“Well, it’s probably weird if we don’t say hello, at least, right? I’m going to say hello,” Maggie interjects, “he’s such a sweet boy.”

Claire’s eyebrows rise on her forehead as she crosses her arms over her chest. “Go ahead then,” she sighs, “I’ll wait right here.”

“Claire,” Maggie draws out her name with a withering stare, but Maggie has never been able to establish that sort of authority with Claire that would prompt any inclination of obedience, so Claire just shrugs her shoulders, unimpressed. She’s not going to budge. “Fine, I’ll be right back.”

Claire’s done her best to put the chapter of their life that includes Martin out of her mind when rekindling things with her mother, and she certainly doesn’t want to stand around making small talk with his other ex-wife, trying not to look at Callum with his matching jawline, trying not to remember everything she hates. It all comes back in a flash. The horrible cracking sound that her mother’s head had made when it connected with the wall, the blood on the marble floor. They say you don’t remember trauma properly, that your memory doesn’t work quite right, but she will never forget the way her fist connected with Martin’s face : like a puzzle piece, like it BELONGED there, and she’d done it over and over again until she heard sirens.

And yet, Claire can’t deny that it’s a part of her life that got her here, where she is today. She thinks life is shitty and random, and that not everything has to happen ‘for a reason.’ Still, she’ll catch Kass’s eye across the room and see her smiling so brightly that it seems impossible not to believe in something. Claire can’t help herself anyway – she smiles back. No one has ever been able to produce Claire’s smile in its truest form the way Kass has, unashamed of being so happy to look at someone. She once thought the idea of looking at a person and seeing your whole future was ridiculous, that you’d have to be stupid to put that much of yourself into someone, but it isn’t like that at all. All of it was unintentional, like by the time she realized it, Kass was already everything. And she feels so safe with that thought that she doesn’t mind at all.

“Am I interrupting something?” A figure steps in front of her, cutting off her line of sight. She’s not really fond of being snuck up on, so she opens her mouth to say something snarky when she’s met with the gaze of Lisanna Harlin, one of last year’s mentors. Her daughter, Elisa, is there, but she’s not graduating, so Claire’s confused by Lisanna’s presence.

“No, Ms. Harlin,” Claire says, though there’s a spark of indignation in her words that practically goes hand in hand whenever an adult commands authority.

“Lisanna is fine,” she says with a light laugh, like she’s amused Claire’s greeted her this way.

“Can I...help you with something?” Claire asks, mostly curious about how long this interaction has gone on. While she’s friendly with Elisa, she was Kass’s roommate last year, they’re not exceedingly close, so she’s not sure what else Lisanna would have to say to her other than maybe a polite hello.

It’s more than a polite hello. Lisanna Harlin works for Lexon Corp in Durham, North Carolina, a private military company that provides armed guards, bodyguards, and guns for hire. They’re the sort of place that would be looking for the best of the best in combat, and they have a bit of a reputation for hiring Gallagher girls. Claire had given up on the job search months ago since the video went out, in fact, she’s had a job lined up for graduation already : at a boxing gym in D.C., where the scene isn’t too bad. It was suited to her, but not exactly the sort of thing that her Gallagher education had prepared her for. Lexon Corp? Everything her rigorous love of January boot camps were tailored to. And they want to interview her.

A month later, Claire’s sitting on the cusp of a completely fresh start. It wasn’t easy to backtrack on the plans that she and Kass had made together, knowing how much was changing for the both of them, it had been nice to have the stable idea of an apartment together on the horizon. Now, she’s a four hour drive away, and she goes home to her one-bedroom studio in Durham after rigorous training throughout the day. But she’s grateful for the chance to work her way back into the field, and she can remember what Lisanna said to her when they gave her the offer.

“We’re aware that with your history that we’re taking a chance on you, Claire,” Lisanna said. “But we think the reasons that made other agencies look past you are exactly what makes you an asset. You care about your jobs, the people that you’re involved in, and you’d have a partner’s back until the bitter end. You listen to your intuition, trust your gut...and above all else, you have follow-through. I’m excited to be able to offer this position. Don’t prove me wrong.”

Claire swears that she won’t.  

PART THREE: KIPTYN.

Kiptyn isn’t supposed to be in the left hall closet. 

In fact, he’s not supposed to be awake at all. But who can sleep the night before their birthday anyway? Sure, he’ll be thirteen, and that’s probably old enough to have gotten over the magic of it all, but...he’d still been lying awake with excitement, the anticipation keeping his eyes open for hours on end. Well, that and the video game he’d been playing under the covers, but he’d obviously only been playing it because he couldn’t sleep in the first place.

Then he started thinking about the left hall closet and the conversation that they had at dinner the other night. In Kiptyn’s defense, Dahvia – his younger sister – had totally started it and he was an innocent bystander. After all, Kiptyn’s old enough to know that they don’t bring up Claire to mom, because it just puts her in a mood and then you can forget about doing anything else for the rest of the evening. But Dahvia’s ten, practically a baby, and she doesn’t know any better.

“Hey, mom? What sort of accident did Claire die in? Nina asked me at recess and I didn’t know,” Dahvia pipes up, before she’s even properly sat down. Kip visibly cringes. He’s older, wiser, knows this won’t go well. Still, he dares to look at his mom’s face and he notes the faraway look in her eye, like she seems to experience a bunch of things at once. Kip notices how even though her eyes are glassy, she doesn’t cry. Though sometimes, their mom will just cry randomly, like two weeks ago when he asked for help with his Spanish homework and she couldn’t even help him finish the first worksheet.

“It was a car accident,” she says stiffly, “eat your dinner.”

Kiptyn kicks his sister under the table and flashes her a look that says : Great. Look what you did, ruined dinner. Dahvia sticks her tongue out at him.

So, he knows that he’s not supposed to be in the left hall closet because he could ruin many more dinners, but he’s here anyway. He’s been thinking about it ever since they sat in silence for the rest of that half hour, and he’s come to the conclusion – his mother was lying. Because all sorts of things make their mother cry, like a bowl of mac and cheese or Spanish class, or motorcycles, and she won’t let Kiptyn take boxing lessons though his friend Robert is and he thought it sounded really cool, but she doesn’t have any problem with cars or driving, and also, she’s never told them a single thing about Claire except that. They aren’t allowed to know anything about her, especially not anything true, so Kiptyn is pretty sure that’s a lie. There’s just something just weird about it.

So, in the middle of the night before his thirteenth birthday, he looks up a video on how you pick locks and then he figures it out on the door of the left hall closet. He’s there for at least forty-five minutes, practically ready to give it all up when he hears the clicking sound, and then it opens. His first thought is : Woah. This is a load of junk.

And he’s right. There’s boxes upon boxes of paperwork, old clothes. Some things start to click, like when he finds a pair of worn boxing gloves with Claire’s initials embroidered on them. His favorite thing that he finds is the fattest scrapbook he’s ever seen – his mom always makes them, there’s one for every year of his life. Dahvia’s too, they love looking at them. The cover of this one, though, says Italy 2021. It’s all pictures of his mom and Claire, probably in their early twenties. Kiptyn mostly notices his mother’s smile, how he’s only seen her look like that a couple times in his life and yet it looks so EASY here, like she wears it all the time. It’s so strange to him. He sets the scrapbook down and crawls toward the back of the closet. His eyes land on two leather folders with gold embroidery, and he opens up the first one. In big letters at the top : GALLAGHER ACADEMY.

It’s a diploma.

This certifies that Kassandra Sutton has satisfactorily completed the…

“What are you doing?”

Kiptyn yells out like a child, not having heard anyone creeping up on him. He claps his hand over his mouth as if to shush himself. “The door was open! I don’t know how, but I just...noticed it was open and wanted to make sure that...no one was stealing your stuff!” he grins sheepishly, hoping that he can ride on the high of his birthday week to get him out of this one.

“It was just...open?” his mother looks down at him with raised eyebrows before brandishing a twisted paper clip between two fingers. The one that had formerly been stuck in the door. His guilty expression widens, he can’t help it.

“Okay, I might know how it opened,” Kiptyn admits. He hesitates for a moment, before he realizes that he’s ALREADY in trouble, he might as well just come out with it and pray to the birthday gods. He holds up the diploma with her name on it : “What’s Gallagher Academy?”

Kass’s sigh is heavy and deep, accompanied by the amount of exhaustion that comes with raising two curious kids by herself. After Claire died, she moved her family to London to be closer to their aunt and away from everything that reminded her of Claire. She never told her children why. From hiding that world from them, the world that took so many people from her : her father, her ex-girlfriend, and the love of her life. She swore that she would never lose her children to it, too. But Kiptyn looks up at her with wide eyes, desperate to know about his mother and his past, and Kass also knows what it’s like to have part of yourself missing due to family secrets that are being kept from you. He is practically a teenager now. So, she relents.

Kass doesn’t go into all of the details, of course. Just that Gallagher Academy was a school for spies, and that’s where it all started. Kiptyn already knew that his moms met in college, so it’s the spy part that’s most interesting to him. She talks about Claire with a light in her eyes he’s unfamiliar with, how she was one of the best fighters in their year, that she grew up with such a talent in the ring that she probably could’ve gone pro if her life had gone in a different direction. She talks about how they had to part ways after graduation, because Claire got a job in North Carolina and she got a job in Washington, DC, but they made it work, and both got very accustomed to the four hour drive – though it was sometimes closer to three for Claire, because she always drove too fast, even on this big, black motorcycle which Kass swears that she hated. She tells Kiptyn about how they got married, the way she’d almost moved to England for a dream job and that long distance threatened to drive them apart again – until Claire chased her down in the airport with a ring and proposal.  

She also talks about how Claire really died : the abridged version. It was an overseas mission where they’d been cornered, and Claire risked her life to save the rest of their team. There were no other casualties, and the information they were able to bring back helped stop the terrorist organization they’d been chasing to end them for good. Kass tells the abridged version for her son, gives Claire a hero’s death. In some ways, it was. She doesn’t mention the ways that Claire was consumed by the case, it was an organization hellbent on killing spies and it likely reminded her of the brotherhood. Kass had been worried about the case the whole time, because it felt like Claire was taking it too personally. In the end, she may have been right : because Claire had let it take her life in order to close it. She also doesn’t mention that such a sacrificial death means that her wife died fighting alone, swinging her fists until her very last breath. But still, she was all alone.

She had no choice but to take her kids as far away from that life as possible.

Kiptyn tries, but he doesn’t really remember Claire. He’d only been three years old when she passed away, and before then, she’d been so consumed by her last case that she was barely present. Still, he thinks she sounds badass.

He falls asleep on his mother’s shoulder that night, looking through the scrapbook of pictures from their trip to Italy in 2021. He’s animated for the first part, pointing out buildings and asking questions, wonders if Claire was sweating in all that leather, but he slowly starts to drift off. He wakes up on the couch the next morning, no trace of the book or any of the other papers he’d hauled out of the closet the night before. He looks at the closet and there’s an extra padlock. Figures.

It comes up in little ways, like a private joke that he has with his mother, like she’ll say something and flash him a secretive smile. He likes that, and he understands that this is a big secret that he has to keep. It doesn’t come up again until his fourteenth birthday the next year, the summer before high school. It’s a strange letter in a manila envelope, sealed with some expensive red wax, his name written in fancy calligraphy. The most attention-grabbing part, however, is not Kiptyn Sutton-Walsh in big cursive letters. It’s the return address :

GALLAGHER ACADEMY.

learn her skills, honor her sword. keep her secrets.

#* #self para