#and my therapist was like have u considered that u might have adhd

[macgirlism]

having experiences and behaviors that line up with being neurodivergent but also being undiagnosed is so rough sometimes

#to be fair i was in therapy recently talking about things #and my therapist was like have u considered that u might have adhd #like. yeah 100% but im at a point where getting diagnosed feels like a hassle #and im also afraid of being told im not actually <3 #i think that would hurt real bad so i’ll just exist in limbo #but also i feel like i can’t interact with adhd posts or discussion #bc i have no real proof other than my own assumptions #ugh ANYWAYS #s.txt

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

r u doing alright? how's your heart?

im doing fine! my heart is.... eeehhhhhh

i just got out of my psychiartist appointment. she perscribed me ONE MILLIGRAM of medicine because shes so worried about my heart 😭

my heart rate is notoriously fast- even when i'm asleep, its on the far end of the spectrum of "normal sleeping heart rate"

my blood pressure spikes sometimes, and when i bend down and get back up i have dizzy spells that get WAY worse in heat

i got an EKG done, a stress test, and a tilt table test (for POTS)

all came back normal!!!

i'm getting my EKG rechecked because my psych wants that to happen before she perscribes me anything, lest i like. die of Heart Explode

i got it explained to me by another doctor, that my blood vessels dont contract correctly? hence the dizziness. but im worried theres something more considering every single doctor i see is extremely concerned about my heart, so there has to be smth up with the pumper itself yk?

the funny thing is, i have a friend who works for a famous cardiologist. my man's on magazines n shit! and she said she could get me in to see him. id have to travel to new jersey but to be fair i kind of already had to do that to get all my SHIT THATS STILL UP THERE!!!

so i might do that just so i can get some answers on what the fuck is going on. also because since its a) medical and b) new joisey, my dad might pay for my plane ticket! fun!!

still reeling that i got one (1) milligram of medicine. this is a dose for children (no really, she told me so herself!)

she doesnt think i have aspd :P she thinks im autistic and adhd and have bpd. but maybe if she talked to me a bit more shed figure out why i think i have aspd! i have seen you twice and seen the therapist who diagnosed me like. a billion times

and then she took my blood pressure at the end of the session and it jumped WAY up!! so she took it a third time 😭 and then my heart rate was 96 bpm which hey! its a double digit i cannot complain!

#but dont worry i prommy i wont die of heart explode #it all sounds concerning but im stable i pwommy #wasks #i gotta go PEE in a CUP

[hymn-ofthefayth]

So anyway

After months and months of trying to find a therapists office and having to change therapists twice and then weeks of reiterating what I need I finally finally had an appointment with a Doctor at the practice who diagnosed me potentially with a U depression (it begins with that I think) and also potentially bipolar 2 depression (which she calls the other depression or maybe it's the U one she calls that I digress) which is also what they thought years ago when I almost attempted the "unalive" thing but more importantly more importantly!!!

She said those are symptoms of something bigger because because! She said I have intermediate ADHD like to qualify you have to answer at least 6 of ~the questions~ in the affirmative and I answered 15!!!!

Which is the first time I'm hearing this in my life like I considered autistic recently but it didn't really fit but!!!! This might!!!! And she said it could even help my HORRENDOUS sleep and that's just? So amazing?? And she prescribed me pills I can pick up tomorrow! Tomorrow for $1.67 for a months supply!!!

And also I finally texted my girlfriend about how our relationship may not be working and it was horrible because she is a wonderful wonderful and supportive lady and it's all me but it's great because it needed to be said and I needed to not straddle some weird line anymore

And I'm creying (crey) because finally FINALLY I can get some help after most of my life struggling and maybe not even knowing how bad and I'm crying (cry) all day all the last few weeks because of my relationship and I'm crying (tears tears) because of all of it and because finally no matter how hard it's been how hard all of this is maybe just maybe I can be some kind of fucking good in life and while some things are hurting pretty bad this is the happiest I've felt in a really really really long time.

#I'm doing all of this sexily of course #I have been sexy and witty the entire time I've been going through this #oh and tomorrow I get to go to a dermatologist for my skin that's actually doing better the last week!!! #im just #feeling a lot #Stephen #it's me #hymn-ofthefayth

[rottingsick]

I wish instead of pushin a harder divide between autism and adhd with posts screamin like "if u don't have autism stfu u don't know what yer talkin abt even if u say u relate or do the same things!! shut up if u just have adhd!!" and just. understood a little bit more

maybe they just have a symptom or two that is similar to autism either on its own or have a different disorder that has that symptom and just attribute it to their adhd due to the common idea of how much autism and adhd can overlap

maybe they do have autism and don't realize it because they do keep attributin it to their adhd again cause of the overlap that exists

maybe they don't even truthfully understand the difference betwen autism and adhd, but all they know is that they struggle with these things

things that people are tellin them time and time again they cannot experience. to shut up and let the people who ~actually~ experience these issues talk. and you know what the outcome is? maybe they start feelin like their issues aren't enough to seek help when they are. maybe they cling harder to misattributin things because they know they experience these issues, but are outcasted for tryin to express them. maybe they go their whole life unable to recognize what the actual issue is they're facin and constantly frustrated, depressed, and in lots of pain because they feel isolated. there's no "reason" they should struggle with these things.

like have you guys tried to consider that some disorders have symptoms that can look like autism, so it isolates those who know the cause that isn't autism, but also those who don't might attribute it to their adhd? have you tried to consider not everyone is gonna be able to instantly recognize whether they're autistic or not, especially in a society that violently doesn't want them to be? have you considered how mental disorders are even diagnosed and written officially is a check list of symptoms and no symptom is exclusive to one disorder and some people who may not even fit any full diagnosis could struggle with the same issues that autistic people face?

hi I'm autistic and it took me until I was 19 to realize and accept it despite the fact I've been able to accept nearly every other disorder I have because of this bullshit exclusivity a lot of online autistic spaces want to have so fuckin badly. and me goin 19 years of my life not knowin I have autism really hurt me severely as I couldn't understand why the fuck I was like this, what was actually happenin, or how to try to help it as every adhd resource left me empty handed, but people told me all the time I couldn't have autism, I even had a test done to check if I was autistic and it came back negative (altho we all know how reliable those are. n that therapist did it against my will + told me issues I knew I had that I was makin them up lmao), and I all knew was that I had adhd.

I hate online "mental health" spaces so bad. this is why I run a yancore blog; I'm serious when I say it's the most welcomin and kind community I have ever been in for ppl with mental issues.

#text #info #mine #not rlly taggin it with much but if u wanna reblog go ahead

[not-poignant]

Hey Pia hope you’re doing well

I was wondering, is the thing where Arden picks up a bunch of random hobbies and commitments a part of his ADHD or does it have like a name?

I’m a highschool student and I get told by all my friends and teachers that I have overcommitment issues and part of it’s just for uni and whatever ofc but it’s also that I want to do ALL THESE THINGS

Like I’m in 4 different science competition teams, the school debating team, school orchestra, scholarship classes, editor of my school newsletter, I lead the school amnesty and unicef clubs plus the IB program and being in the national maths Olympiad team lol and I don’t want to let any of these go but it’s so stressful and I’m so tired and ppl say I have to say no to stuff which is also stressful!

Also, doing more is always portrayed as such a great thing and I feel rlly guilty letting stuff go? So I’m just reaching out because you portrayed it in such a refreshing way and I was really curious!

Firstly, massive respect for your ability to fit this ask into the Tumblr ask limits. Seriously :D

Okay secondly, Arden’s habit of picking up a bunch of random hobbies / commitments is part of his ADHD. People with ADHD have this to different degrees, and my beta in particular relates really hard to this habit of Arden’s.

But actually, one of the reasons I put this in is because this is a very bad habit of mine - which is overcommitting, and overworking. And not wanting to let anything go.

People teach you a lot of skills in your life on how to pick things up, but almost no one teaches you what to do when you have many hobbies you love, and they’re hurting you because you’re working too hard and don’t have time for your loved ones (or to even really have loved ones) as an example. And it absolutely is a crucial skill to learn for people who are dealing with this, though capitalists don’t want you to learn it.

In the media what I see is most folks having no hobbies and someone being ‘oh you have to learn some.’ I liked Arden as a contrast to that ‘no, that’s too many things, put some back.’ Where Arden’s ADHD manifests - though it’s much more controlled than it used to be - is that he desires to spend a lot of money on the thing as soon as he gets into it (because he only wants the best of the best - which wasn’t great when he wasn’t earning much money), and that he starts really hooking into it in an obsessive kind of way. Spending a night making bows for your dog is one thing. Then wanting to spend $500 and start an Etsy store small business is like...from one day of work, not great.

A lot of Arden’s life has involved choosing to let go of things he’s loved doing, for his own sanity. This is something I’ve had to do as well and I fucking hate it, and these are the techniques I’ve developed for myself (and my still frankly overcommitted ass, who has people saying ‘when are you going to do LESS’ all the time to my face).

* Remind yourself that dropping some things now doesn’t mean you’re dropping them forever. It doesn’t have to be permanent. Sometimes it’s good to put a time limit on something. ‘I’m going to drop this for four weeks / four months and put a note/reminder in my phone about it right now.’ Chances are high you are not going to be as interested in that thing in four weeks/four months. (Chances are sadly also high you may have replaced it with something else). Like, there will be science groups you can join for the rest of your life. And debate groups. And newsletters.

(That being said, none of those things count towards our grades in Australia? So I don’t know how much these things are counting towards your grades in general and I’m not going to like, touch that side of things - however overcommitment is a super fast way to do a lot of things not that well, or to suddenly get so sick you can’t do any of the things and then feel terrible while you’re sick, more on that later!).

* Time caps on certain hobbies and activities and commitments. This is to actually shoot my habit of hyperfocusing in the foot. I don’t have time to play piano for four hours, but I’m allowed to play it for ten minutes a day (sometimes more but not often). And ten minutes a day adds up over time. I literally sit down and put the timer on my phone. If say there’s something that meets up twice a week but some people only go once, be one of those people!

* Rate the things based on how they contribute to your a) career and b) quality of life and c) happiness. Anything that rates lower on the list compared to the others (that isn’t like, literal money-making work or literal classes) needs to be dropped.

* Dropping things is just actually one of the hardest parts and there’s no real trick to making this easier. I just remind myself: ‘Just because I can do this thing, and do this thing well, doesn’t mean it’s good or healthy for me to do this thing. I need to spend time with people I care about, and I need rest, and those things matter more even if they feel less like ‘accomplishments.’ I want to care for myself through my hobbies, not punish myself.’ That goes some way in keeping perspective, but look, ngl, it sucks to drop commitments if you have an accomplishment/achievement/job satisfaction addiction. It just sucks.

* Accept that you are going to feel guilty, and that guilt is just an emotion, and it doesn’t mean you’ve done something bad. Look sometimes guilt gets it wrong! Sometimes you feel crushingly guilty just for breaking a bad habit, it’s not useful, you just have to kind of be like ‘huh I’m feeling a lot of guilt for trying to look after myself, that’s really interesting, I guess I can understand that but I’m also going to try and praise myself for doing a great job. Just because this isn’t an obvious kind of achievement, I know I achieved something really big and difficult today.’

* Oh yeah, use achievement and ‘job’ type language for doing things that involve successfully taking care of yourself and your energy levels. Just...sometimes you have to ‘if you can’t beat them join them’ - chances are you’ve never been as kind to yourself or proud of yourself for resting and taking it easy and seeing friends, than you are for taking on too many commitments. So...challenge yourself to be kind to yourself and proud of yourself for resting and taking it easy and seeing friends and committing to less. Trust me, you are never going to forget how to overcommit, and you are never going to become lazy or lax because you dropped a few of the (billion) things that you’re committed to. You can afford to praise yourself for this! And generously!

* Seriously, seriously consider seeing doctors or psychologists about this. Despite a TON of PTSD, I actually see my therapist most for working too hard and overcommitting. We spend a lot of time talking about why I might not be the worst person in the world for taking a break. Take it seriously. Your list alone made me feel like I was about to have a panic attack, lmao, your friends and teachers are right, you have overcomittment issues.

* Workaholicism and work addiction is real. There is a growing amount of information about how to deal with it and it’s worth googling.

***

Er anyway that’s what I do. It doesn’t always work. I have a lot of rules in place and I abandon half of them about halfway through the year and then s u f f e r. And have been doing that for over 25 years and I’m going to say bluntly now - it’s why I’m as sick as I am, and some of that sickness is irreversible. If nothing else, if you want to stay as active as you are now, I do not recommend that anyone push themselves so hard that they can no longer even do things that they enjoy on a regular basis, because they’re too physically debilitated to manage it, because they pushed their bodies too hard during the university years and just after. Because that is 100% why I became so sick in the first place.

And even extremely healthy people who have no history of chronic illness often develop something, in conjunction with years and years of working too hard or overcommitting. I’ve seen it happen to far too many of my friends, and you might feel like ‘just another six months’ or ‘just another three years’ but you’d be surprised how quickly you can go from ‘I’m doing it I’m doing it’ to ‘I keep getting migraines all the time doctor how do I fix this so I can go back to working as hard as I was before’ and your doctor being like ‘...yeah this isn’t curable. I’m going to give you some meds, that all come with horrible side effects, and you simply can’t do what you were doing before.’ Game over.

Trust me, that shit catches up with your body always. It might not be now, and I hope frankly it’s never, but overcommitment and workaholicism are the two fastest ways I know to chronic illness and once you get there, you can’t work your way out of it again.

Though god knows I have tried.

#asks and answers #personal #workaholicism #work addiction #like if you start stress grinding your teeth #for years #because you can't sleep well #because you're working too hard #trust me that will be over ten years of absolute misery and agony #as you crack your own teeth #because once you start stress grinding #you never stop #oh one final thing to keep in mind #you have been brainwashed by capitalist rhetoric #to believe that working is the greatest virtue out there #if you don't want to be a capitalist stooge for big business #unpacking overcommitment psychologically #even outside of impulse issues #can be pretty meaningful #but expect to need to do it more than once #because you will get that brainwashing all around you #for the rest of your life #(it's like body shaming sadly it's just everywhere) #some of my friends are going to read this advice and be like #WHY AREN'T YOU DOING IT PIA #tons of sympathy anon it's hard as fuck #seriously anon if you don't want to spend your life with a fucked up body FOREVER #learn some crucial skills now #administrator Gwyn wants this in the queue #Anonymous

[hyperfixationtimego]

Do you ever just. Take you. And place it onto your kin. And call it a headcanon? Like, I, on a regular basis, say I hc Kaede as a nonbinary lesbian because like i kin them so hard its not even funny and I'M a nonbinary lesbian i just ychvkghgh

OH YOU MEAN LITERALLY EVERY HEADCANON I’VE EVER HAD???

My relationship with gender identity and sexuality is very complicated, but I KNOW a lot of how I headcanon my faves come less from Vibes™️ and more just from how much I fucking relate to them :sobs:

I’ve given Leon my physical sensitivities (auditory & tactile) as well as my body dysphoria :’) + I gave him overwhelming empathy and compassion that he can only express in the stupidest, most socially unacceptable ways haha,,,,,,neurodivergency go brr

Kazuichi next uh,,,

Because I’ve been diagnosed with adhd (the diagnosis is currently being questioned bc my therapist thinks it’s possible that I either actually have bpd or an auditory processing disorder instead but can’t confirm until I see a specialist for it; not important, but wanted to be transparent abt my status) and because I see a lot of myself in Kazuichi, I headcanon him as having it, too! He’s easily distracted in-game, his emotions are volatile and heightened, and he’s a fucking moron when it comes to social cues HENWHSKSN like sir.....u are literally me.....

So naturally I was like :) and decided that he stims by biting things! I can also see him wearing noise cancelling headphones!! (I don’t have these, but they would literally make my life so much more bearable oh my god. I just use normal ones because they dull sound so it isn’t too overwhelming) AND if he doesn’t have something in his hands that he can fidget with he’ll fucking DIE /j

Kaito is also on the “[points] u have adhd now” train <3 the man wears clothes wrong and he’s hyperactive I fucking love him (honestly now that I’m thinking about it, he might have bpd as well/instead? Like,,,,,buddy,,,,,👀)

[Korekiyo Shinguji TW from here on]

I’ve given Kiyo quite a few of my harmful coping mechanisms ngl,,,,,I also hc them as a masc enby!! anyway the harmful coping mechanisms are pulling their hair and hitting themself in the head when overwhelmed or having an anxiety attack

I hc them as autistic (I’ve had so many labels thrown at me that at this point I tend to just look at a character that has whatever traits got me pinpointed as possibly having whatever diagnosis at the time and going “yeah that fits.” honestly Kiyo checks the adhd and autistic boxes from my perspective so 😩) and I’m literally obsessed with their behavior and thought patterns!!! They infodump all the time?? Like hello??? And the sprite where they touch their little pendant necklace thingie is a tactile stim no I won’t take it back it’s true!!!!!

[Korekiyo Shinguji TW End]

But dude yeah I totally feel that??? And also can I just say I fucking LOVE non-binary lesbian Kaede and I would die for them omg

yo we could be enby lesbian and enby gay solidarity, considering I headcanon most of the characters on this list to be an enby gay or a trans gay (like I said, my relationship with all that stuff is complicated and I’m hhhhh but generally whenever I really really relate to masculine characters, trans/enby gay is my go-to hc for them!! I feel like my label preferences switch up every five seconds but enby gay,,,,,,,the serotonin I’m getting from applying that label to myself is UNREAL on god??? tbf explains a lot ngl)

okay I’m done rambling because I’m 100% certain that nothing in this post made sense HDNWHDMD but anyways yes self-projection headcanons are my lifeblood and without them I would die ❤️

#danganronpa #ask box #headcanon tag #anonymous #dr #I feel weird tagging the characters for this one so I’m not gonna

[gerrydelano]

not rlly a q but I think I have a weird relationship with stimming? current official statements say my brain is specifically anxious and depressed but I got through a Hell School by finding friends who all had different brain stuff and I wound up picking up things that help? I think?? Like it turns out flapping hands are very good when there is Too Much™️ but i worry I’m overstepping. I know there’s no one expert truth on this stuff but I’m curious if u have thoughts on this sort of situation?

gonna try to calm myself down by answering this okay here we go! this got long, oof.

as a rule, if you find coping mechanisms that work, you’re allowed to use them. 

you’re not stealing a resource from someone or appropriating an experience by flapping your hands. it’s a bodily motion and if it calms you, it calms you! 

to a degree, even allistics/people without ADHD/tourettes/etc, stim sometimes! bouncing your leg, tapping a pencil, etc. it’s just a human thing, especially when anxious. your body wants to move! literally everyone stims. 

“it’s just that Us People™️ just do it in. Weird Ways™️ and. Very Much™️” - yes, ren, thank you.

but they’re right! it just happens that people of those experience tend to experience this more, etc. same with even other, like, mental illnesses? to a degree, yeah, everyone’s going to have some self esteem issues, or bad days, or mood swings! but once it’s hugely impacting your ability to function and your quality of life for a consistent/recurring period, it might be cause to look into other things that might cause a heightened experience of it. that’s just an example, but like. you’re allowed to flap your hands.

you’re surrounded by other people who exhibit more “unconventional” ways of stimming/coping with things, so yeah you probably picked up on those and felt safe around them doing it, which is a GOOD thing.

PLUS! one of the ways to deal with anxiety IS stimming. people get uppity about the use of language a lot here on the interweb but honestly you’re perfectly in your lane. yeah, there are conversations to be had, but this is so noninflammatory i really promise. 

and the other thing is: just because you’re “only” diagnosed with anxiety and depression right now, does NOT mean that’s the only thing going on. with me, i know that those are more byproducts of my other disorders and i consider them symptoms more than their own things.

this isn’t true for everyone, obviously. for some people, that really is it. but a lot of the time, those are the first two things to get diagnosed in someone because they’re just. easier to spot and slap a label on and medicate first. and if the first treatment plan isn’t working, then that may potentially lead to further examination depending on what’s still making your life difficult. 

psychiatric treatment is a step by step process! a lot of us forget that sometimes. i’ve had people who were angry with me and jealous of me for having my laundry list because they went to one meeting with a therapist and didn’t get anything they’d self diagnosed, just A&D. and i’m like. ah. see, look, you have to go to more meetings, so you can more consistently report your symptoms, and the doctor can put the pieces together based on your account of your experience over a period of time that will indicate what’s really necessary to help you.

the first step is usually A&D. sometimes it stops there, a lot of the times it doesn’t. you gotta try treating those first - like symptoms. sometimes A&D can be shorter term, but these other things often require the experience of symptoms over a longer period of time, and the doctor has to see that to know. has to see around and underneath them before making any further judgments.

is this always a good thing? hell no, most of us know ourselves better than any doctor is going to even if we tell them everything because doctors have their biases and make mistakes, too, and it’s a shitty system that fucks people over plenty. i’ve never had a good doctor myself.

it took me years and years to get diagnosed with the stuff i’ve known i had for all that time because i did my studying, talked to people who experienced the same symptoms, and tried out the coping mechanisms that those people used to manage them.

if you break it down into just the experience of a symptom, and try to manage it, that’s a start and you’re not doing ANYTHING wrong. 

also, i am not an expert and i cannot diagnose you, i don’t know you from adam and i’m just some chucklefuck on the internet, but if you have a LOT in common with your friends who have other disorders and you line up a lot of things, like. there’s no harm in researching other possible things you might have going on up in there. 

but to me, what really matters are managing the symptoms in the end? and, like. a prof. diagnosis is intended specifically to be a point of reference so a physician can know how to treat you. just because it’s not on paper (or not there yet) doesn’t mean it isn’t there, or that what IS there is even correct. i’ve been misdiagnosed, too! 

if you self dx and its wrong, that just means there’s another reason for what’s going on. you knocked out a possibility, that’s also good. and also, even if you don’t have the SAME exact thing someone else does, if their coping mechanism for the same Feeling works for you, then you have a right to it.

sometimes the prof dx helps you get things legally, and then sometimes self dx helps you to function socially and on an individual/daily scale.

i’m not trying to tell you that you have another condition going on! i’m just saying, don’t sell yourself short (so to speak) by saying “i only have anxiety and depression, so i am not allowed to experience these other symptoms that fall outside of them” like that’s not at ALL how this works. if you have a symptom, you have it. if you have a coping mechanism that works, use it.

if you like to flap your hands, flap!

#autism party #ronologues #not really but its long and im counting it as a gen one yknow #im rambling to cope fjhgfbrkfjnr i love you anon flap away! #anon #asks #disability gang!

[channoticedmeuwu]

So, idk if this is still ok but i saw your post about "if anyone anon or not needs a space to vent they can"

I just need to get a few things off my chest and idk who else to tell so im telling a stranger. Sorry for that bestie.

Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts, SH

You don't gotta keep reading if those make you uncomfortable i just gotta let it out bc i feel like I'll explode if i don't

So, idk if you know the whole "intentionally going numb/ turning off emotions" thing but i basically did that a month or so ago. And now i don't wanna go back to feeling bc i know i will just break down bc everything is too much and the fact that i don't have any real problems just makes everything worse. Like i know i don't have the fucking right to want to k word myself bc i don't have it nearly as bad as other people but that doesn't make me suddenly wanna live?

I have great friends, mostly supportive parents (although their parenting is questionable) im white, live in a wealthy country am abled and never faced "hard" discrimination based on my sexual orientation.

However, everything just seems pointless?

I had ⅓ graduation exams today and the next one which is math is tomorrow and i just straight up did not study bc i didn't see the point. My dad bought me an expensive car although i don't have a driver's license yet (i guess as motivation). And idk why anything would matter. Im turning 18 in a few days and the only good thing im seeing is that im gonna be able to buy my own alcohol.

Earlier i came to the conclusion that tomorrow would be a great day to k word myself and usually i just brush that stuff off but rn it genuinely seems like a pretty good solution. I only haven't done it yet bc i think about my friends and how traumatized they'd be but i was such an asshole today. Im pretty sure one of them (ironically my favorite one) hates me by now bc of all the emotional damage ive caused. They didn't even bother adding anything to the bs i said.

Funnily enough another friend told me i was obsessed with them^ bc i had/have a longass unrequited crush and ngl now that she said it i get what she meant. I am obsessed. Im a piece of shit lol. For constantly treating the people around me like toys. "meh they'll still be here when i play with the other one" no they fucking won't dumbass. I try my best to remind them that i care but the last few times it just sounded so wrong. Like i was forcing them to stay my friends. Like they would leave in a heartbeat if i didn't constantly manipulate them. Funfact my brain is like "you're saying bs rn" which is weird considering it usually likes it when i minimize my problems and make it sound like im being an asshole to everyone even though i just have a bad day.

Idk man. I told my therapist i think i might have adhd and he was like "i don't think you do" Granted he probs thinks im a teenager who's overreacting. Like the last one lol. That lady was smth else lmao. Telling me everything i felt was normal. Uh ma'am sorry but i don't think constantly blaming yourself for everything that literally doesn't have anything to do with you and having a voice in your head that tells you to kword yourself 24/7 is not normal but go off karen.

Anyway a friend messaged the gc earlier asking what we wanna do tmrw night and my first thought was "idk bout u but i hope im dead by then"

My mom's not home anyway so she won't "save me".

Just gotta figure out how and where and write a bunch of letters.

Bc the least i can do is give people a last goodbye. Yk bc i think as bad as it is, if im leaving i could at least give them smth to remember me by. A few words saying im grateful and i know they did their best but they couldn't have stopped me.

Maybe adding some hearts so they remember me as that bubbly caring friend i always tried to be.

Sorry for putting this on you stranger. I just didn't want to tell someone else.

If you've read this far thank you.

I'll try my best to stay alive. Maybe things will get better eventually.

Sorry again.

hey there buddy :'] I just wanna say a few things in response too! I hope I don't step over any personal boundaries, but I'm really worried and I can't bear to see this and not say anything. So under the cut, is just a few words I wanted to say :]

You don't have to read at all if you don't want to <3

[tw : mentions of suicide, bad mental state, negativity ]

I'm really glad you came to me and saw that post. I'm so happy you did, and tbfh I'm really proud of you for doing so. I would never have the guts to do it, and I think you're really brave for it.

I see that you're struggling a lot, and although it might sound strange coming out of a stranger, I really do appreciate you here. I know I can't do much rather than just offer presence on a website, but I really believe in you.

It's sad to know that people have to go through alot recently. I'm sorry you were faced with that. It must be very tough, and I really just want to give you a big hug </3

another thing I wanted to add : I am a person of color, and I just want to say that just because the world and alot of pocs are facing serious issues that people deem as "something to actually be depressed about", you should never compare your personal issues to that. Yes, sure, the world is suffering, yes, sure, everyone is facing problems, and yes, of course, some problems may hurt more than others do. That does not mean yours are invalid. I don't believe anyone needs a "reason" to be depressed. It's not a voluntary action, you can't control those feelings. Please, trust me, do not feel bad. Someone, a very close friend of mine, told me this while we were alone together. I'm glad she did, because it made me feel better at that time. And I'm passing on the message because it's true. No matter your sexuality, your race, your financial status, your gender identity; your issues at valid. Your problems are valid. You have every right to be upset, and you shouldn't invalidate yourself like that.

I'm sorry that you have to go through so much to go to be willing to do the k-thing. Al though I can't say much, I would love for you to stay. You would always have a welcoming place in my blog, and you'd always be appreciated here. I'm so sorry for everything happening, and I'm so sorry for not being able to do anything more. I don't know if you want to hear this, but I love you. I love you alot, very much, and it hurts me too, to see you like this.

Please, if you ever want to stay, if you ever want to chat, if you ever need a leaning shoulder or a listening ear, please, reach out to me. My dms are always open, my inbox is always open. If I don't reply, it's because I'm asleep.

Again, I'm glad you were brave enough to share this, and I'm glad that you're still here. I really appreciate you, my inbox and dms are ALWAYS open, please, drop by and say something whenever you feel like it.

Thanks for this message anon, I love you <3

My heart reaches out to you. I'll always be here. I meant what I said.

#ask kai #anon :DD #tw : suicide #tw : negativity

[homeforchristmas-au]

Character bios pt 2!!

Decided to continue the bios for the rest of the fam squad, the full extended family!! Might change things around a bit, we’ll see!!! Here’s part one in case you missed it :3

Emile Sanders (formerly Picani):

Age: 46

Pronouns: he/him/they/them

Height: 6’1”

Curly medium golden mahogany brown hair and sky blue eyes, subtly tanned skin covered in freckles, red framed rounded glasses, likes dressing like a cartoon character or just wearing cartoon merch (his prized possession is his Mabel pines jumper) but wears a brown cardigan over a white button down shirt with a pink necktie when he goes to work

A big goofball that has a lot of love to give, but he still knows when to be more subdued and calm and when to activate “serious picani”. He’s always loved helping people work through their issues which is why he’s a therapist

Like patton, he’s excellent at reading emotions, though he’s a bit better at it since he’s a professional

Has ADHD, but has developed the necessary coping skills to help keep his symptoms under control

Has two siblings; Catarina (Patton’s mother) and Leonard (Patton’s other uncle). Emile is the baby of the family while Leonard is the oldest

Emile met Thomas when they were both in college. They shared an ASL class and quickly began getting along, and frequently practiced sign language together and feelings developed from there

It was quite some time before they got married, but it was well worth the wait

Thomas Sanders:

Age: 43

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 5’10”

The standard character Thomas look; floppy medium brown hair, chestnut eyes, fair skinned, wears the same three shirts periodically for five years until he buys three new shirts, the usual stuff

He’s a sweet, down to earth guy. Loves cartoons almost as much as Emile does, has a passion for pizza, theatre, and the cats of the world he’ll never be able to pet without dying. He can be impulsive at times, but his heightened anxiety oftentimes outweighs that

Has three brothers named Christian, Patrick, and Shea, but I won’t describe them in depth cos I don’t wanna get any facts wrong since this is based on Thomas himself oop-

I’m literally just describing the canon character Thomas except slightly older im-

There’s like nothing else to add to make this fun and unique it’s just character Thomas welp

Thomas and Emile’s kids:

Anton Sanders:

Age: 16

Pronouns: any/all

Height: idk uh ??? 5’7” ???

Medium length wavy black hair, electric blue eyes, fair skinned with a beauty mark on his right cheek beneath his eye, usually wears fashionable clothes and declares himself an eleven, often wears scarves and turtlenecks (almost exclusively black) as well as his round mirrored sunglasses

Can and will kill you with a single look. Especially if you mess with his family. He’ll never admit it but he loves them with everything he’s got, even if he never acts like it for even a moment

Especially adores Remy and respects that they’re discovering themself and exploring new possibilities. He knows from experience how tough that is and how much of a challenge it can be

Was adopted at age three after his parents were busted for child abuse and heavy drug addiction. It took quite some time for him to come out of his shell but Emile and Thomas were nothing but patient and loving and kind. He still has a lot of trust issues but he knows he can trust his family

Will never admit it now but became insanely jealous when remy was adopted into the family. He did not want a brother because he knew that meant he was being replaced and he wasn’t loved anymore

Eventually Thomas and Emile sat him down and they all talked through it and assured Anton that he was still loved and he was not being replaced

It still took a very long time for Anton to trust Remy, even if he was only a baby

His heart was won over when Remy said his first word to him

All he said was “no” but Anton admired his defiant spirit

also yes this is the Critic how did u know

Remy Sanders:

Age: 12 (birthday January 16)

Pronouns: he/him/they/them/it/its

Height: damnit how tall are 12 year olds

Shoulder length hair dyed dark purple at the roots that fades into magenta at the ends (hair colour changes periodically depending on what it feels like having), chocolate brown eyes, fairly dark skinned but not heavily so, gender expression changes at the drop of a hat but it often wears leather, skirts, beanies, and a heck ton of earrings (when it turns eighteen it starts getting a lot of different piercings like angel bites, nostril, and industrial piercings, etc) (that’s worth noting)

Almost always sarcastic but that’s its way of showing love really. It’s a helluva punk that can and will fight anyone to the death if they deserve it (or if they hurt someone Remy likes). It’s actually a huge nerd but doesnt usually show that side of itself. It loves reading, watching shows like doctor who, and doing puzzles with Logan

Was diagnosed with adhd after Emile noticed it experienced similar symptoms for quite a while

Was adopted by Thomas and Emile when it was a baby (and Anton was four), having been found by Emile when it was left in a box in an alleyway, which was a long and complicated process but one hundred percent worth it

It has a trio of male rats named Holmes, Watson, and Splinter. Thomas was a bit reluctant to let it adopt rats but they all went to a rat breeder and when Thomas saw them all and even held one he realised it wasn’t so bad and they were actually kinda cute

When it was nine years old, it nearly died in a nasty hit and run. A truck had swerved into it when it was by the side of the road. It was fine after a lengthy recovery except it had to use a wheelchair after some spinal cord damage left it immobilised from the waist down. The driver was never identified

It probably wasn’t a coincidence that this event occurred not long after remy started talking about how much it loved boys just as much as it loved girls, but that teas a bit too hot for this post

Logan’s sisters:

Ellen Adams-Waterson:

Age: 26

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’6”

Light auburn hair going just barely past the shoulders, honey eyes, fair skinned though mildly tanned, covered from head to toe with freckles, red framed rectangular glasses, usually wears clothes for comfort and especially likes turtlenecks

She’s a determined, steadfast kinda gal who fights for whats right and gives everything she has for her loved ones, especially her immediate family. Although she can be pretty blunt with her words she’s also kindhearted and wants whats best for everyone

She’s an avid writer, and has actually published a novel. She also dabbles in fanfiction and is unashamed about it

She’s married to a wonderful wife named Elizabeth and they have a daughter named Kaylee (15)

She’s also been trying to quit smoking but so far that has yielded no results

Ashley Fletcher (formerly Adams):

Age: 24

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’10”

Long light ash brown hair that reaches her tailbone that she keeps parted to the right, electric blue eyes, fair skinned and a face full of freckles, black rectangular glasses, tries to be fashion forward but mostly just wears T-shirts and denim jackets

She’s a trans woman and has been transitioning for a few years now with lots of support from her family. She’s a nice person but let’s people walk all over her a bit. She doesn’t like confrontation much because of her anxiety disorder, but she���s trying to get better with that

Loves acting and wants to pursue it as a career, but her anxiety makes it difficult to put herself out there

Married to a trans man named warren and they have a son named jack (11) and a daughter named Emma (6)

She met warren at a pride event with Logan and Patton, and it was actually Patton who met him first (although at the time he went by a different name and didnt know he was trans yet) and then introduced him to the others

They actually talked about adopting a child long before even considering marriage. Although they realised it would look better to adoption agencies if they were married, and that was the main reason they even went through all of that

Renae Adams:

Age: 21

Pronouns: she/her/he/him

Height: 6’8”

Short wavy hair dyed bright pink, amber eyes, fair skinned, a black *dabs* styling pair of Warby Parker’s, often wears high neck shirts and suit jackets, basically always business casual because she can, and loves wearing hoop earrings

There are two sides to Renae; either stone cold businessperson or happy go lucky memelord with a heart of gold. She’s a lot like Logan in that regard, although it’s harder to predict what side of her you’ll see at any given moment. She can either be a super soft bean or the scariest person on the planet

Has been dealing with OCD her whole life, and sometimes it gets particularly bad (especially the intrusive thoughts) but she has a therapist and psychiatrist she sees somewhat regularly

She runs her own coffee shop called Real Bean Café and it does fairly well. She’s always thinking about how she can improve her business

She’s aroace so she isn’t in a romantic relationship but she is in a queerplatonic relationship with a beautiful enby named Pigeon

They actually met in her coffeeshop. Renae saw Pigeon’s Attack on Titan T-shirt and was immediately compelled to talk to them

And that is it for part two of the character bios!!! Might make another post talking about Logan’s sisters’ kids and partners but idk we’ll see 👀

I just really like character designs man lmao

Lemme know if I need to tag anything else my brain box isn’t generating the required tags rn lmao

#ts ​home for christmas #thomas sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides au #thomile #thomas x picani #thomas x emile #emile picani #adhd picani #adhd emile #character thomas #remy sanders #critic sanders #it/its use #car accident mention #hit and run mention #injury mention #ocd mention #long post

[patronsaintoffinalgirls]

so i jus saw ur post abt thinking u might be autistic and? idk, coming from someone who is actually autistic, i didnt even know i was autistic for my whole life until i was told a few months ago that i have been diagnosed as autistic since i was a kid (specifically w/ aspergers). so like, idk, i wouldn't say to self diagnose urself as autistic until u get a professional diagnosis that says u are. jus a lil bit offensive that you'd call urself autistic even tho ur not too sure u are? idk¯\_(ツ)_/¯

same anon!!!! i mean, im not saying its a bad thing to question urself, bc i do alot. but like, even then, before i was told that i was diagnosed as autistic, i didnt even think i was autistic. i did have adhd, so i thought all of my problems came from that and the fact that im jus shy and weird. but after being told i am autistic???? idk, it jus made way too much sense to me nd i was very happy knowing i was autistic this whole time!!!! so like, irdk!!! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯¯\_(ツ)_/¯¯\_(ツ)_/¯

same anon as the last two anons, all im just saying is its ok to question urself!!!! i just wouldnt go around saying ‘im autistic’ even tho u might not be??? idk, u get what i mean, right???? 

This is Raphael’s alter, Ash. They didn’t mean to say, and they DIDN’T say that we are autistic. we’re not even certain. they were just saying they were in active denial of the possibility.

look i don’t wanna get in any fights here but buddy. come on. how dare you come to me telling me that… i’m offending you by questioning that i’m autistic? genuinely how is it offensive? would you rather me stay in denial until yet ANOTHER mental health professional tries to talk to me about it? i’ve previously had therapists try to get me to consider the option. i know you kinda backtracked there but you still said it.

i’m not playing with the idea for shits and giggles either. you can’t have known i have severe fucking trauma relating to this, but you can’t just assume i don’t either.

i don’t tell my whole life story on this site. please don’t assume you know it.

anyways stop projecting your insecurities onto me. maybe talk to a professional about it, do some calming exercises, idk. Don’t message us stuff like this again. i don’t know who you are so i’m trying to be nice but if you come at Raphael again for harmlessly trying to figure themself out and get support while they do so, I will block you for our mental health.

- Ash

#ableism / #not accusing you anon. regarding mentions in my response #asks #anon

[arodrwho]

possible? life? plans?

move out

specifically, a good time to move out would be after moo's adoption is finalized (so, in july)

it would also be ideal if my mom had either a foster kid (for the sense of purpose & also the relief from extra income) OR the increase for lee's adoption assistance (for the relief from extra income)

this is not, however, a requirement

a requirement IS that i must have a job of some kind at least lined up

apply to jobs in earnest starting friday at the latest (ideally i would start tomorrow, but it has been A Week emotionally so i am giving myself time)

keep an eye on more than online jobs; apply to some irl ones as it gets closer to july, even if an online one has been acquired by then

consider, maybe, going back to school at some point? i've said for years i don't want to do grad school bc the only point with an english degree rly is if u want to teach at college level, which i've always said i don't wanna do--but honestly? it's a little like being paid to infodump, and part of me likes the sound of that. and, equally honestly, one of the main deterrents for me was the idea of having to continually publish papers, and tbh. tbh. do i really care abt that so much? nah. not rly

(another deterrent was of course that it'd involve talking to people, which terrifies me a little & is sth i'm bad at--but i'm working on it)

anyways. consider that. like, seriously consider it.

double anyways.

mmm.

look into areas in-state i might want to live round/work near? specifically look into places with good public transport, yeah? don't make any decisions yet, just--look. consider cost of living & all that junk aswell

consider also proximity to family--within reasonable driving distance (for this state's definition of "reasonable")

give myself an idea of whatall the Deal is

once some manner of idea is gathered, then start looking at jobs within whatever area or radius or whatever i decide is cool

mm.

so

those are middle-term plans. those are "over the next few months" plans, "in a few months" plans, maybe "in a year" plans if school is sth i decide to go for

long-term plans are. kind of a mystery. i don't know what i want to be doing. nebulous "maybe teach?? or no???" is not an actual life plan. nebulous "get a job writing or editing" is also not an actual life plan. neither is "hang around home until mom doesn't need me anymore."

so.

at least consider what i want my life to look like longer-term, yeah?

what kinds of things would make me happy

mmmm.

mid term and long term taken care of, let's talk short term

what do i want to get done in the short term

which we'll define as "before july"

actually. let's take it a step further. let's define it as "before june"--that is, before my time helping out my grandma is up & i go back home

hm.

my mom mentioned potentially diving lessons while i'm here. i don't know that i want them, but it would be useful to me and open up more options for me in the future, so that's cool and sth i should consider

i also would like to get at least on-track to be evaluated for adhd if possible, bc i'd like to see if meds might help me

my mom has also suggested i talk to my therapist abt the possibility of anxiety meds, which may potentially be useful although i don't know that i rly need them, so there's that

uh.

short term goals

uh.

that's. really all i've got i guess

so i suppose. bring up Possibility of adhd eval or referral thereto AND/OR anxiety meds w/therapist on wednesday?

and. look into driving things. learny driving things, locally

mmmmm

that's. all i got rly

but it's more concrete stuff than i had at the start so that's cool

#daypost

[thepeopletm]

11/5/2021 -💤? idk 6:00 pm

2day we had 2 spend hours around some1 we don’t like. we also we’re dissociating for half of it, wilbur fronted for awhile to help us out w socializing. overall it waz kinda a blur tbh. we saw sad-its new video which was kewl :] i’m extremely tired zince last night a new alter fronted and decided 2 chug the last of our monster under a minute and left me having 2 deal w the effects of it (which was not fun) usually once every month we’ll be paranoid that we’ll die that night, it’s kinda a long story so i’ll explain later probably :p sorry these posts are always usually short, i can’t remember much even tho i wanna talk abt interesting stuff. Today was nice tho cus we didn’t have school since the braves won apparently. later i’m gonna get ice cream and watch tiktokz and yt maybeee and play genshin and cookie run, hopefully we get to play genshin w my sister!! or hopefully she’ll help us out our led lights on!! :D anyways that’s abt all 4 now! (also random thing whenever i get home from school or a friends house i always see my cat laying on the bed sleeping but she’ll be awake by the time i open the bedroom door, and when i try to lay down or anything she’ll immediately climb on me to sleep just like how she’s doing rn. sad tho cus i have to get to a comfortable spot and unlock the door even tho shes sleeping on me ☹️) bye byezzz

11/5/2021 -📀? 7:56pm

Sometimes I get paranoid that c!Dream is watching me somewhere, our c!Ranboo gets extremely paranoid and anxious when he sees the dream smiley face when he’s fronting which sucks :( but idk right now it feels like someone is watching me ig.

Also tw for self harm? And gross stuff ig?

One time when we got extremely sick we tried to drink more water but immediately after we’d throw it up, but at the time we didn’t care and kept drinking it anyways. Somehow it kind of made it as a self harm thing. So whenever we feel like we need to throw up we’re so used to it that when we say “hey i might throw up later, just a heads up” our friends will go “oh my god r u ok? do u need to rest? do you need help?” and we’ll go “no dw it’s fine! i’m used to it” cause i am, with our adhd meds we have to take if we didn’t eat breakfast we’d throw up every morning at school even if it was just some water. Every time we throw up it’s always fuckin painful cause it hurts my stomach and ribs and torso a lil too much which is kinda concerning considering we need to get our ribs checked asap. But either way if we feel nauseous like our head hurts or stomach doesn’t feel good we’re so used to it that it doesn’t phase us, and in fact my head is blurred a lot rn i think cause of the monster that bitch ass headmate chugged last night. So i might try to throw up later even though it won’t do anything. Overall I’ve just been feeling like shit. We’ve been having somewhat “extreme” pains in the sides of our stomach/torso and when we move sometimes it feels like our ribs are moving an organ or something. And sometimes our stomach or bladder (i think?) hurts or like that one word that starts with an “s” i think? i just can’t remember it rn, anwyays basically we have a lot of problems and my mom STILL hasn’t called the fucking doctor when she said she was going to. AND THAT WAS A MONTH AGO!! AND she STILL hasn’t brought us to therapy or tried to fix the payment issues so i cant even talk to my therapist to ask if we can find a new one to help with our disorder!! She doesn’t care about her own children very much unless it’s cooking for us, and she’s made that very clear when she leaves for almost all day and night to go out with her friends or her bitch ass bf. How the hell did she expect our twin to be happy here when she gets drunk of tipsy every weekend??? Also her bf is fuckin weird. He comments on things he doesn’t have the say to, He’s literally been here for a few months and yet he commented on how messy my room was. He was like “yeah you better clean that room of yours cause it’s disgusting” or something like that. LIKE?? SIR. You have no fucking say in my room. Anyways i’m getting a huge headache and stomach feels like mush and i hate how we feel rn, i think we might be sick?? Sorry for the vent if anyone is even reading this. I doubt it though.

#journal

[garlique]

all the things i would tell my mom if i went back to my ten year old self with what i know now

under a cut because it got really really long i guess i have a lot to say to her lol

1. hi mom i know i look like yr ten year old but im actually yr 19 year old. im gonna tell u some things i need from u and i need u to write these down and remember them

2. im fucking transgender, i found this out for myself at like 14 or 15. im going to change my name twice; both of my h names are deadnames. my gender is also a lot more complex than i’ll realize it is but with you and dad, i will settle on the name miles and he/him pronouns. please please actually take me to get new clothes when i come out i might tell you i don’t need it but i really really want it. also you and dad for years have nasty habit of calling me the wrong name and pronouns when you get mad at me. i don’t know if it’s because you genuinely want to hurt me by doing it or if it’s just that you still think of me as a girl named ****** and can’t hide it when you’re emotional but jesus christ does it fuck me up. dont do that shit. also pls dont leave me to transition on my own. im a child with a lot of issues and because you help me so little with my transition i’ve been yet unable to get top surgery. im incapable because

3. i am really fucked in the head and idk how much of it is nature vs nurture. i have adhd, am autistic, have *, believe i’ve been depressed my entire life, and have been having panic attacks since i was around 6. i also have cptsd; i dont know if telling you this will make that better, because im already really traumatized. but my first memory in my entire life was sitting on the closed toilet late at night while you brushed your teeth, sobbing because i was having a panic attack and you brushed me off and sent me back to bed where i continued to have a panic attack until i wore myself out enough that i couldnt physically keep my eyes open. which brings me to my next point

4. i need MORE from you. as a 19 year old before this i have SO many issues with trusting people and getting help. i have a form of ptsd which i believe is partly due to what i consider your emotional neglect. i dont know what you can do to make it better because if i did i probably would have asked for it in this timeline. but it really is not my responsibility to make sure YOU can parent me effectively. how are you so unaware of my emotional needs?

5. YOU need to receive mental help. by the time i’m like 15 or 16 you seem from my perspective to hate your life and you LOVE to unload it onto me. i remember telling you SO MANY TIMES that you should see a therapist (i started therapy freshman year) and every single time i suggested it you will say “no i dont need therapy” . which is because you used ME as your therapist. please dont fucking do that to me. you can tell me about your life and your day to day but holy shit the amount of breakdowns i had because of what you told me? please for the love of god you have so much fucking trauma please please please get help this is how generational cycles begin and is the main reason i decided at like 17 to never have kids.

6. in either 5th or 6th grade im going to get lyme disease and im not going to tell you because you told me when i was very young that you hated taking me to the doctors and so im not going to tell you for months that i can’t use one of my arms or that i can’t put weight on one of my legs. if i remember right it first showed up in my right shoulder abt 3 months after YOU injure your shoulder and so when i first tell you my shoulder hurts you tell me that it doesn’t and that i’m just mimicking you. please just take me to the doctor in like february instead of june. im basically fucking crippled as a 19 year old and i think it is in large part because of the lyme disease

7. please for the love of god please please fucking take me to the dentist regularly

8. in 9th grade early/mid december im going to confess to a friend that i am feeling suicidal and she and basically everyone else in my life who finds out is going to handle it terribly. im going to attempt suicide again in the spring of my sophomore year and it’s going to be awful for everybody again. after that attempt you don’t let me shower by myself for three months. i know it’s because you’re scared to lose me but i’m going to tell you a little secret: im terrified of dying. i dont Actually want to die. i just have so little control of my brain that dying or sleeping for a long long time is the only way i can see to get my shit under control. in 8th grade i make friends who are terrible for me and spend my nights talking them out of suicide. here is where i learn how to keep people alive lol. i dont know what you can do to help me that won’t make me hate or resent you but i’m telling you now so that maybe if you have the time you can prepare.

9. abt my mental health: pls take me to get autism/adhd tests n diagnoses. my * diagnosis will b impossible to get before i turn 18 and i am going to try to keep it from u . i promise u tho raising an autistic kid is not as hard as it seems and by now im so fucking traumatized that i’ve already learned to internalize everything

10. when im in high school i forget what year you severely injure yourself and spend a really long time in the hospital and rehab. this is what i feel most guilty about in my entire life: that the time you were gone was literally the easiest few months of my life. right abt two weeks before you do that is when i decide that you weren’t a good parent to me and that i am no longer safe around u; maybe if we can deal with some shit now we can have a better experience. btw i feel like it would b cruel if i didnt tell you so here r the brief details of yr injury **

11. by the time im in college i have constant panic attacks and dissociate heavily for the weeks before i have to leave college to come home. you need to take me seriously, i don’t know what else i can say to make this believable. i’m already real fucked up; you need to change the future for me or it WILL affect me for the rest of my life. i latch on to every woman who’s older than me who’s nicer to me; i think that’s the definition of mommy issues

12. i came back to tell you this because i really do believe you can change. if i thought there was no hope i wouldn’t have bothered telling you this. i think you can change because you DO love me (speaking of which telling me i love you but i don’t like you is? kinda fucked up? maybe don’t say that to a child ever again although i think by now you’ve stopped saying it because that will set me up with some fucked up ideas of love until i really begin to be loved by other people) and i think you want the best for me and i think you would want to change so that i could have a better life. i love you and i believe in you

#pleaseeeee dont rb this #this was so fucking therapeutic to write out?? obv this is not ALL i want to say to her but its def a start :3 this feels good #and my anxiety is way down now hehe

[raechelrae]

1-104

jesus ok if u insist

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

well that would be the group chat i have w/ @bolkonskys-crazy and @beebop85 so i would be v confused and i’m sure they would be too

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

never been kissed :(

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

depends. weed in moderation is fine, but i’d be worried if he did hard drugs or smoked cigarettes or stuff like that

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

yup, 7 to be exact

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

see question #2

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

ALL THE TIME i’m really not good at all with flirting

7. What does your last received text say?

“True”

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

see question #2

9. Where was your last kiss at?

see question #2

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

don’t have one, but i do have a brother

11. What do you drink in the morning?

coffee in any form

12. Where did you sleep last night?

my bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

extremely!!! people are so difficult!!!

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

i would probably try to get myself to finish all my college applications sooner bc i put it all to the last minute and it was a hot ass mess

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

see question #2

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

sunny, my hair gets real frizzy when it rains

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

my friend Kirsten from school

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

pajama pants

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

i think dating might get a bit easier once i’m in college so i’d like to think so

20. Does anyone like you?

not that i know of??? but i hope so

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

see question #2

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

see question #2

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

two people come to mind, the guy that sits in front of me in statistics and this sophomore i see at school sometimes. THEY NEVER STOP TALKING and it drives me up a fucking wall 

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yeah definitely!!! i want it to be something theatre-related(since i plan on becoming an actor) but i haven’t decided exactly what yet

25. In the past week have you cried?

oh so often, the most recent was yesterday during my therapist appointment

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

my rottweiler Ruby!!! i lover her!!!

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

the towel rack is like, on the opposite side of the room so i have to get out of the shower to dry off

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

see question #2

29. Do you think you’re old?

i’m only 17 so no

30. Do you like text messaging?

yes i love it i would die without it

31. What type of day are you having?

a pretty mellow day, school was canceled bc of snow so i’ve just been drinking cocoa and watchin netflix all day

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

nah, facial piercings aren’t really my thing

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

cold

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

ugh so many i can’t name one. boys suck but they can be pretty cool too

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship, i’m a very all-or-nothing person

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

very very very complicated

37. What song are you listening to?

“Tears Dry On Their Own” by Amy Winehouse

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

definitely. i’m v stubborn so i don’t say sorry if i don’t think i’m actually to blame39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

ha my therapist??? i’m pretty reserved so i don’t share a whole lot of my personal life to m friends40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

jesus idk he’s just… cool??? idk 

41. When did you last receive a text message?

8:47pm42. What is wrong with you right now?

so many things man SHIT I FORGOT TO TAKE MY ADHD MEDS welp there’s one thing that’s wrong with me rn43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

pretty well, I’ve known her for a few years bc of school and we’ve gotten closer reccently bc of shared interests44. Does anyone disgust you? 

no one in my personal life, but Trump is a pretty disgusting human being45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

hell yeah as long as i’m interested in them

46. Are you in a good mood right now?

yeah i feel pretty calm and chill rn47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my dad48. What color shirt are you wearing?

black49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

not that i can think of50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

not at the moment

51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

nah i don’t hate him but i just wish we could’ve communicated better

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

yup unrequited love is a bitch, my friends53. Do you like rain?

no fuck rain54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

nah it’s cool as long as it’s in moderation55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

yup i’ve literally never expressed my feelings for someone i had a crush on it’s always been the other way around

56. Do you like to cuddle?

not really, i kind of have personal space issues57. Are you shy?

at first, but i’m quite social once u get to know me58. Do you get along with girls?

yeah fam!!! girls are great!!!59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

nope60. What do you carry with you at all times?

my wallet and my cell phone

61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

hell yeah!!! i like money!!!62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

yeah definitely

63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

nope64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

if we were in a relationship??? but since we’re not i would say no65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

my cat slept next to me on my bed last night that was pretty cute 

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

see question #2

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

i always do my nails myself    68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

leopard69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

nope70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?

country music makes me want to kms myself so Lil Wayne

71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    

IPHONE72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? 

???it’s been years   73. Do you like diet soda?    

yes!!! i prefer to it regular actually74. What color are the walls in your room?   

like a pale, yellow-green 75. Are you 16 or older?

yup, i’m 17

76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    

no77. Do you have a job?   

not currently, but i’m working on getting one at my uncle’s restaurant    78. What are your initials?    

roj79. Did you ever have braces?

yup for like, over 2 years    80. Are you from the south?

nope, i’m from connecticut

81. What does your last status on facebook say?

“If you were writing an autobiography, what would you title the chapter where our lives intersected?”    82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? 

see question #2   83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

i’m pretty equally close to both of them84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

nope85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?

Rogue One

86. Do you smoke?    

nope87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

heels88. Is your phone touch screen?    

yup89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

it’s naturally curly90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?

nope

91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

lake92. Have you ever made out in a car?  

see question #2  93. …Had sex in a car?    

see question #294. Are you single or in a relationship?  

single  95. What were you doing last night at midnight?

sleeping lol

96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    

at the big summer festival my town does every year

97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

yeah it’s pretty good98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

see question #299. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

nope i don’t drink100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?

pretty much everyone i went to middle school with lol

101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

no102. Name your favorite Kesha song:   

“Take It Off” 103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    

no it’s winter104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

NO I WOULD NEVER

ur fucking welcome anon that took me 30 whole minutes

Ask me things!

#asks #anon