#and it’s also not so bad that I’m not going to hope to be able to go down my list of tattoos I want soooo I am HOPEFUL

[hopelesslydevoted2paige]

can you do a fic about going live with Emily Engstler? love you're writing btw bb!!! 🫶🏻

MY GIRL || EMILY ENGSTLER

summary — emily and reader go live and answer questions that lead to cute moments

pairings: emily engstler x gf!reader

word count: 443

warnings: none

authors note: my first request! thank you soo much i hope you like it 🫶

“Is this okay?” Emily leaned her phone against the water bottle.

Your face lit up. “Wait! I’ll get my phone holder. It should be somewhere in the bathroom-“ You slowly stand up but Emily was fast to wrap an arm around your waist and pull you back into her lap.

She shakes her head. “Want you here with me.” She clicked on the live button. “Oops, looks like I started it. Too late baby.” She kisses the side of your head.

You roll your eyes playfully and slide off her lap to sit in the vacant spot on the couch.

She frowns, hoping to make you feel bad. Knowing you wouldn’t budge, she decides to place her hand on your knee. Giving it gentle strokes from time to time.

“Hi guys!” You leaned forward to try and read some of the comments. “I finally convinced Em to go live for you guys.”

“Not that it took that much convincing.” She said under her breath.

You give her a playful glare before scrolling through the comments.

emilyshousewife1: YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE IM CRYING

username18: “thank you y/n” we all say in unison

ilovewnba28: show us ur tattoos!!

“Em, someone’s asking you to show your tattoos.” You face her.

“I guess I’ll just show them the new one I got recently.” You furrowed your brows in confusion. “What new one?”

She chuckles and you couldn’t help but feel butterflies fly around in your stomach.

She leans towards the camera and holds up the loose strands of hair behind her ear. “I don’t know if you guys can see that..”

You help her hold her hair up to get a better view of the tattoo. “It’s a.. kiss mark?”

She nods and makes eye contact with you, tucking the loose strands of hair behind your ear.

“I was supposed to show you this on our 1 year anniversary.” She smiles softly. “I know how much you love to kiss that area, especially after my games. I got it because I want to be able to feel like I’m with you, even when I’m not.” It was true. Whenever you hugged her, you’d gotten used to kissing the back of her ear instead of the top of her head. One of the reasons may also be the fact that she’s a bit too tall.

You leaned into her side, tears threatening to fall down your face. “I love you.”

She wrapped her arm around your shoulder. “I love you too baby. You realize we’re still on live, right?”

The next day, both of your notifications blew up with clips and edits of the two of you.

#emily engstler x reader #emily engstler #emily engstler fluff #wnba basketball #wnba #washington mystics #wlw #wcbb x reader #wcbb

[strangererotica]

EXPLICIT CONTENT | MINORS DNI

Husband!Steve Harrington x Reader | Inspired by this request

Road trip! You, Steve, and your two boys (with Eddie along for the ride) have made it to the lake you’ll be camping at for the next couple of days. Steve is having some major baby fever. He manages to work out a plan with Eddie that secures time alone for just the two of you, to work on making baby #3…

Includes breeding kink, oral (f receiving) squirting, soft dom!steve, fingering, cum play

For the first time since leaving Hawkins, you hear nothing. No arguing, no complaining, no children’s voices spouting ‘Jimmy just called me a mean name!’- or - ‘Mom! Dad! Dusty’s copying me!’ - or the classic ‘Are we there yet???’ - (which, to be fair, the last one was also asked by Eddie more than a few times…)

Regardless, your and Steve’s two delightfully mischievous boys were talking up a storm the whole way to Kentucky. Somehow, miraculously, Steve had managed to drive the five of you over the Kentucky border and to the lake (your destination) without losing his mind.

Once the boys were set loose from the confines of the cramped backseat, they were able to run around and burn off some energy while you, Eddie and Steve set up camp. Thankfully, the process went smoothly and quickly. You all changed into your swimsuits and had a refreshing dip in the lake to cool off after.

In spite of the challenges parenting entailed, Steve couldn’t help but admire the lives the two of you had created together. The ones that made you a family, so much more than just a couple. Being Jimmy and Dusty’s dad was the greatest honor Steve had ever had, along with being your husband. He hoped, just as you did, to one day expand your family even further. As he watched you playing in the water, yelling ‘Marco!’ as your boys called back ‘Polo!,’ Steve realized he didn’t want to wait another day to start expanding…

Convincing Eddie to take the boys into a nearby town for a movie and ice cream was easy enough. Movies and ice cream were two of Eddie’s favorite things already, and the wad of cash Steve stuffed into his hand was even more incentive to get the kids out of your hair for a few hours.

Now that you’re alone, the silence feels strange. Steve makes up for it by taking your hand and walking with you out to the edge of the lake, helping you relax. He’s got this dreamy, far-away look in his eyes as he gazes out over the water.

“Hey,” you nuzzle his shoulder. “Is everything okay?”

“I was just thinking,” Steve replies, his hands settling at the small of your back. “About how pretty you look every time I get you pregnant…” His comment catches you off guard, but not in a bad way. You’re…curious. Steve tugs his bottom lip between his teeth, a suggestive glint in his hazel eyes. “…This beautiful belly all swollen and round…”

Steve’s hands glide around your waist and over your stomach, traveling upward to linger on your breasts. “…These gorgeous tits, full and heavy with milk for our baby-.” He abruptly lowers his lips to your breast and tugs your nipple through your shirt. “-And me,” Steve grins up at you, a devilish smirk that has your clit throbbing. “I think I’d like to see you that way again,” he adds, and suddenly, the pieces begin to fall into place.

“You dirty boy,” you tease, a big smile on your face. “Is that why you asked Eddie to take the boys to a movie? So you could fuck me?”

Steve holds you by the wrist, pulling your hand to his crotch. Your fingers instinctively curve around the thick outline of his erection. “I’m not just going to fuck you, honey,” Steve murmurs, his other hand clutching the back of your hair. “I’m gonna get you pregnant tonight...”

Minutes later, you’re both stripped naked and on the floor of your tent. Steve’s hands are all over you, pawing at your body like he’s fucking you for the first time. Guiding a hand between your legs, Steve gropes your cunt roughly till it’s weeping against his palm. He pads his thumb against the puffy button between your slick thighs, making you tremble. Sinking his lips over your earlobe, Steve tugs gently at the soft, sensitive skin. His fingers glide between your swollen, slippery folds, your pussy throbbing under his skillful touch.

“Steve,” you breathe against his cheek, as his thumb rubs circles over your clit. “I’m gonna…I’m gonna come-.” He suddenly removes his hand; and as you’re reeling from the loss of stimulation, Steve’s crawling down your body and burying his face between your thighs, latching his lips over your clit and sucking the plump bud till you’re moaning his name at the top of your lungs. With a guttural shout, you come undone in Steve’s mouth, gushing between his lips, creating a slippery puddle on the floor of the tent.

Steve lifts his head from between your legs, his face glistening with your cum. He moves quickly up your body, eyes locked with yours as he enters you. A dull groan leaves Steve’s lips, his eyes now glazed with a rabid look of hunger. He pounds your cunt in sharp, determined thrusts, knowing he won’t be able to last long with the way you’re gripping his cock. Steve lurches his hips into yours at a pace that has you light-headed and stupid, reducing you to little more than a bitch to be bred.

Steve’s arms are locked around your upper body, clutching you to his chest. Growling like an animal into your shoulder, Steve pumps your cunt full of his seed, filling and overfilling you till he’s punching his own semen out of you with every thrust. He pulls out of you gently, looking between your bodies at your pussy, sloshing with his cum as you wriggle your hips. “Stay still, honey,” Steve sweetly scolds you. “Little pussy’s so tight, gonna push my cum right out if y’keep moving like that…”

You still your hips, grinning up at Steve’s face, and how serious he’s being. Your smile evaporates into a gasp as Steve’s fingers press inside you, working slick squelching sounds out of your cunt as he scoops and stuffs his oozing cum deeper inside you. “Mmm,” he coos down at you, rubbing his thumb along your inner thigh. “You look so good on your back like this, stuffed full of my cum…” He leans over your body and presses his lips to yours. “…Now keep those hips elevated, baby,” he instructs, glancing at his watch, the only article of clothing he has on. “Stay like this for the next twenty minutes or so, yeah? While I go chop some wood for the fire tonight.”

You nod obediently, deliriously in love with your husband, parting your lips to invite his tongue between them. You watch Steve pull his jeans back on and exit the tent, leaving you bred and contented inside. Your eyelids grow heavy, and you fall asleep to the sound of Steve chopping wood outside the tent. While you dream, your womb accepts Steve’s seed as it has twice before…and you dream of him holding his first daughter in his arms…

#stranger things #stranger things smut #steve harrington #steve harrington smut #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve x reader #joe keery #steve x you #steve x reader smut #husband!steve harrington #fluffy smut #steve harrington oneshot #steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington one shot #steve x y/n #steve stranger things #soft dom!steve #soft dom!steve harrington #husband!steve #dad!steve harrington #dad!steve #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington x fem #steve harrington x y/n smut #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington x reader smut #steve harrington x you smut #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington x reader fanfic

[only-luce-the-goose]

Hiii pookie 🫶🥹

it's me again the same anon from Arthur's long fic 😂 i thought it would be nice to thank you again for fulfilling the request, they were all absolutely beautiful and I enjoyed them a lot✨,now proclaimed you one of my favorite Arthur writers ✨🥹🫶

i used to want an Arthur in my life now I NEED him 😭

Also today my mood was so bad but reading the fic distracted me a little from everyday things, thank you once again i send you a hug and kisses 🫶😚🫂💗💗

I hope you have the best days, always and forever !!!🙂‍↕️love ya boo💗

(if you didn't get enough of me, I promise that if I have any more ideas I will let you know so you can use them with your writings about other pilots)

A Bit Off

A/N: Hi Anon!!!!!

I’m so, so happy you enjoyed them and I feel privileged to be your favourite Arthur writer 🥰🥰. I’m thinking I might start writing for other drivers as well.

I swear I need an Arthur in my life too 😫. I’m sorry you weren’t feeling too well today, I’m glad my writing was able to help you feel better! 😘

And I will never get enough of you, message as much as you want!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻

I’ve currently got another Arthur fic and an Ollie Bearman fic in the works. I just wanted to write this little one as thank you for your kind words and requests. It’s also kind of based off how you felt today, enjoy ☺️

Arthur Leclerc x reader

Synopsis: After a bad day, Arthur just wants to make you feel all better

(He’s such a cute, lil smiley boyyyyy 😍)

You woke up on the wrong side of the bed, you felt down and depressed all day for no reason. Unfortunately, Arthur wasn’t around and wouldn’t be back for another 3 days. All you wanted to do was cuddle up and watch movies with him.

You stayed on the couch, drowning in your favourite hoodie of Arthur’s, watching your comfort tv show. You heard the door at the front of the apartment unlock, keys jangling as the door was pushed open. You pulled the baseball bat out from under the couch and crept over to the wall next to the hallway.

You heard shoes being toed off, sock padded feet slowly walking down the hallways. You waited for the footsteps to come closer before you stepped out from the wall. You swung the bat.

“OHHH HOLY SHIT BABY ITS ME” Arthur screamed in his Monegasque accent. You immediately dropped the bat, “oh my god, Arty! You’re not suppose to be here for 3 days!” Arthur smirked when he said “I know. I wanted to surprise you, gorgeous”

Tears sprung to your eyes and you buried yourself in your boyfriend. Your arms wrapped around his neck, your nose pressing against his jugular as you deeply inhaled his cologne. Arthur’s hands firmly wrapped around your waist, he kissed your temple and leaned his head against yours.

He felt teardrops on his collarbone, prompting him to let go for a second. He found you with wet eyes, teardrop stains down your cheeks. “Bèbè, what’s wrong?” Arthur pouted. He raised his hand and wiped your tears. You made eye contact with him and the flood gates opened.

You weren’t sad about anything in particular, you just started babbling about anything and everything. Arthur guided you to the couch and sat down, pulling you on top of him and he laid down. Your legs ended up in either side of his body, your chin rested on his chest, your noses nearly bumping.

Arthur let you get it all out, contently listening. After you finished, Arthur extended his neck and pecked your lips. “It’s ok to feel like this, love” you kissed him again “thank you Arty” you had cried yourself to exhaustion, he could see your eyes started to droop. He pulled the couch blanket over you both as he watched you fall asleep.

“Good night, my love” he said as he kissed your nose, “I love you, bad day or good day, I don’t care.” You lazily smile and confessed “I love you” back to him, drifting off to sleep. Arthur followed you not long after.

#arthur leclerc #arthur leclerc x reader fluff #arthur leclerc x y/n #arthur leclerc fluff #arthur leclerc x reader #f1 fic #f1 x reader #f2 x reader #f2

[ariesangelxo]

okay so i was thinking something like rafe always gives like reader butt pats and she’s gotten used to it so much that she can’t go a day without it. so one day rafe doesn’t do it and she automatically thinks he’s mad at her but rafes not he just does the but pats without thinking. so then their whole day goes along with them fighting abt small things till rafe asks her what’s wrong and they make up🤗

🌶️anon!

rafe cameron x fem reader

minors & ageless blogs dni

cw: a bit of angst, a lil bit of comfort in the end. some suggestive content, spanking, reader is an overthinker, reader also isn’t good about talking abt her feelings

a/n: i’m sorry this took so long! i hope i did this justice <33

being by rafe’s side was ninety percent of your daily routine. he’d asked you to move into tannyhill not long after ward passed, and being his loving girlfriend that doted on his every step, you did.

you couldn’t have been happier to spend nearly all of your time with him. rafe treated you like a princess. despite his rough reputation around outerbanks, you knew him to be the most loving man you’d ever met.

he could tell when you were upset, the small tells of you avoiding eye contact and biting down on your bottom lip made it obvious to him when you needed him most. he was usually able to get you back to your sweet and happy self with just focusing his attention on you. his touch, his voice, his presence, it comforted you in ways nothing else could.

rafe always gave you small pats on your ass throughout the day. it was something you’d grown accustomed to and you adored it. it was one of those little things he did that unknowingly made your heart swell. his casual dominance allowed you to turn your brain off, every thought in your pretty head revolved around him.

today, however, had been a bit different. it started with him not giving you the normal pat when you got out of bed this morning. you didn’t think too much of it, figuring he was probably concerned with work-related emails on his phone.

then it was the lack of attention while you made him breakfast. you enjoyed your small housewife-like duties. rafe walked into the kitchen, leaning his back against the granite countertop. but when he didn’t come up behind you and place a sweet kiss against your neck while aggressively claiming your ass as his, a slight pout formed on your lips. rafe was too engrossed in his phone to notice it though.

when you put a plate of food in front of him, he barely looked up to give you a half smile. you quickly went back to busying yourself in the kitchen, trying to keep your mind away from the anxious thoughts beginning to swirl around.

much to your dismay, washing the dishes wasn’t helping. did you do something wrong? could you have said something last night that, unintentionally of course, upset him? were you being too clingy? was it really just work?

you let out a deep sigh as you finished drying off a frying pan. “you okay?” rafe called out to you.

you turned to look at him, placing a small smile on your face that was definitely not genuine. “yeah, ‘m fine.”

he didn’t look satisfied with your answer, but he didn’t push any further. you didn’t want to share any of your current thoughts. if it was really only him being stressed with the business, you would feel bad for assuming otherwise. you didn’t want to overthink small things, but it was one of your unhealthy habits.

shortly after eating and cleaning up, you were upstairs in your shared room getting ready to go to the country club with rafe. he’d made plans a few days ago to go golfing with topper and kelce, naturally, you were going. rafe brought you with him almost everywhere.

you put on a short white tennis skirt, one that you knew drove him wild, along with a tight pink tank top. as you finished applying your layer of lip gloss, you looked yourself over in the mirror. there was no way rafe could resist giving you a firm slap on the ass when it looked so good in the tiny skirt.

“c’mon, kid. don’t have all day here.” he called out from the bottom of the stairs.

“‘m coming,” you responded, grabbing your small pink purse and heading down.

you walked out of the bedroom with a big smile on your face, nearly skipping down the hall. once you got to the top of the stairs, rafe looked up, giving you a quick smirk.

he held the door open for you on the way out of the house, and of course as you got into his truck, but still hadn’t given you a single pat today. you were genuinely beginning to grow concerned at this point. you could brush off not getting them when you got out of bed or while making breakfast, but when he didn’t give you one while you walked out of the front door, swaying your hips, or stepping up into his truck, purposely bending over so your mini skirt rode up? that was extremely unusual.

you buckled yourself in, leaning your knees closer to the door than him and stared out the window.

“you have an attitude?” he questioned you, his tone having a bit of edge to it.

“nope,” you replied, popping the ‘p’, “‘m fine.”

you glanced over just in time to see rafe rolling his eyes. he didn’t verbally say anything, but his actions spoke loud enough for you.

you crossed your arms, childishly leaning further into the door to put what distance you could between the two of you. rafe let out a sigh, but still didn’t say anything.

the short drive to the country club was filled with tension. it was uncomfortably silent, neither of you speaking a word to each other.

rafe stepped out of the truck when you arrived, slamming his door shut a bit harder than usual. he still came to your side though, opening up the door for you to step out. he once again didn’t offer any touch to you. your heart sank, you truly didn’t know what was going on.

he grabbed his clubs from the back, walking ahead of you to go meet topper and kelce on the course. you followed behind, slow and stubbornly, your arms crossed and your brow furrowed with a pout on your lips.

you sat in the passenger seat, legs and arms crossed as your manicured nails tapped against your bicep in an irritated manner. you looked cranky, and you knew it based on the looks topper and kelce gave rafe when you initially followed behind him. you usually wore a bright smile and clung to rafe’s side, excitedly greeting the boys.

“what’s goin’ on with her?” you heard topper ask rafe. he attempted to keep his volume low so you wouldn’t hear, but with his naturally loud voice, he failed miserably.

your eyebrow quirked up. you were curious to hear rafe’s response.

“no fuckin’ clue.” rafe grumbled out, trying to focus on his swing. you rolled your eyes, it was his fault you were in a bad mood. he’s the one that’s been neglecting you since you woke up.

topper glanced over at you, letting out a slight laugh at your pouting. rafe’s eyes followed, he pinched his nose in annoyance.

he walked up to the cart where you were sitting, crossing his arms as he looked down at you.

“okay, kid. what’s goin’ on? why are you pouting?”

you let a small scoff out, furrowing your brows, “don’t act so interested now just because your friends noticed.”

rafe was taken aback at your tone. you never spoke to him with an attitude like that. his eyes narrowed, looking at you in a way that made you feel minuscule.

“you can lose that little attitude you’ve got goin’ on, now.” his voice was stern, dripping with annoyance. you wanted to disappear, you were so frustrated that he didn’t understand he was the reason for your attitude.

you looked away from him, pulling your sunglasses over your eyes as you said nothing and stared forward, not particularly focusing on anything.

rafe muttered a “whatever.” before walking back to where topper and kelce were.

you did feel bad for having an attitude, but the way you felt like you were being rejected by him made you want to shut down. it made you want to disappear from the face of the earth for a while. you felt embarrassed, upset, and now overwhelmed with your brain going into overthinking.

you didn’t say a word to any of the men as they played through the course. not even when rafe would get into the drivers seat and bring you two to the next hole.

you instead spent that time biting down harshly on the inside of your lip, fighting to keep the tears of frustration from falling past your eyes. you tried to focus on literally anything else, but the constant noise of thoughts swirling through your brain made it impossible.

they’d wrapped up the last hole. you heard rafe saying something about possibly meeting them around the country club after for lunch.

you refused to look up at him, even when he started heading your way. you missed the way he wore a half smirk as he looked at your pouting figure. he knew you were upset about something, but you weren’t great about vocalizing your feelings.

“d’you want to go back to the restaurant for lunch?”

“don’t care,” you muttered out, looking down at your nails as if they were the most interesting thing in the world.

“well, your options are either that or we can go home. your choice, kid.” he wasn’t feeding into your baiting tone, and that just irritated you further.

“said i don’t care, rafe.”

“s’okay. we can go home and you can take a nap, because you clearly need one.” he rounded the golf cart, hopping into the driver’s seat as he brought you back to the entrance.

you got out before he could, beginning to storm your way to his truck.

“hey! slow the fuck down. you know you don’t walk into a busy ass parking lot without me.” he called out to you.

you halted, but didn’t turn around to acknowledge him. you mumbled an “okay, asshole.” under your breath, not thinking he’d hear.

boy, were you wrong. it took a matter of seconds for rafe to be in front of you, one of his large hands squishing your cheeks as he moved jaw up to look at him, “wanna say that again, princess?” he said challengingly.

you didn’t respond. wrong answer. his nostrils flared as he squinted at you. he gripped your wrist, harshly dragging you to where the truck was parked. he brought you around to the passenger door where it blocked onlookers from the country club from seeing you.

“i don’t know what the fuck’s goin’ on with you today. but i will not put up with this shit in front of others. you know i- i have a reputation to uphold here, right? you think it looks good on me for others to see my girl being a bitch towards me, huh?”

your lip wobbled as tears began to fill your eyes. you wanted to look away, to look anywhere besides his mean stare, but his rough hand on your face wouldn’t allow it.

“no!” you cried out, “just- just wanted your affection. dunno why you’re mad at me.” you whimpered out, tears beginning to cascade down your cheeks.

“kid. why do you think i’m mad at you?” he quirked an eyebrow inquisitively.

“b-because you haven’t given me a single pat today! ‘nd you give me them everyday!”

he closed his eyes, taking a deep inhale to calm himself.

“you think i’m mad at you because i haven’t smacked your ass today?”

when he said it like that, it sounded stupid. but it felt like so much more than that to you.

he rolled his eyes, using his hands to wipe away the tears on your face. he made sure you were looking at him, “sweetheart, ‘m not mad at you. i’ve been busy with some clients that aren’t following through on their payments today.”

you looked at him hopefully, hiccuping as you brought your hands up on his.

“do you pinky promise you’re not mad at me?” you asked him softly, holding out one of your pinkies.

“pinky promise. but you’re not gonna be able to sit tomorrow with the spanking you’re getting when we get home.” he reached out his pinky, stifling back a smirk as he intertwined them.

“m’kay!” you responded happily, the tears stopping and a smile appearing on your face.

he opened up the passenger door, holding his hand out to help you get in before he gave your bottom a firm pat and buckled you in.

he chuckled to himself as he rounded the truck, “all that attitude because she didn’t get her ass smacked, huh?”

#🌶️ anon #divider by plutism #rafe x reader #rafe outer banks #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #rafe x fem!reader #rafe cameron x fem!reader #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron x y/n #rafe cameron blurb #rafe cameron drabble #rafe obx #rafe fanfiction #rafe x you #rafe cameron angst #rafe cameron fluff #rafe cameron fic

[feinv]

wait wait I need a constantine scrap thats a little like the “sly fox, dumb bunny” thing xo 🤭

hoping i got this right, i’m stressing brothers. enjoy💌

naive!reader, don’t get mad at her. she’s just in love.

constantine has been messing with you since the first day you two got to know each other. that is exactly how he got you to be in a relationship with him. he was never the one who would pretend to be another person just to be liked by someone, he didn’t care if people liked him or not. in fact, he preferred if people didn’t. let’s just say he knew the right things to say at the right time.

he would share his encounters with different supernatural entities, his fights with demons, his exorcisms, how popular he was amongst inhuman creatures and how half of them despised him for being stronger than them. and you would watch in awe with heart-shaped pupils, hanging at every word he says. he had you wrapped around his fingers, and you found that sweet.

one day you decided to walk to the nearest store for something, not giving much thought that it was well past midnight, since it was only a five minute walk. as if that wasn’t enough, you didn’t even bother to tell john where you were going. to say he was paranoid and panicking when he came out of the bathroom and was met with an empty apartment would be an understatement.

you haven’t even made it to store when his eyes landed on your figure, hardly seeing your outline in the dark. but he was also able to see at least ten paranormal entities surrounding you in the air, waiting for the right time to strike.

he quickly got you back to your shared apartment, strings of rude comments leaving his mouth as soon as the door was shut and you were safe. “goddamn it, are you out of your mind? stupid enough to get yourself killed? is that it?”

“what did i do?” you replied utterly confused, cluelessly batting your eyes at him. you just wanted to get something, is that such a bad thing?

“you are so naive, jesus,” he scoffed, shaking his head unbelievably at your response. “why do i have to babysit you all the time, for fucks sake,” he murmured under his breath, marching past you to get his cigarettes.

“don’t ever try to pull shit like this again, do you understand me?” his voice was stern as he lit his cancer stick up.

“i’m sorry, john,” you mumbled, ashamed of yourself. :<

he watched you for a moment, eyes scanning over your anxious demeanor. “hey, come here,” he reached out his hand, inviting you to his embrace. you obediently followed, wrapping your hands around his torso. “don’t worry, baby. i’m used to thinking for the both of us,” he whispered in your ear, the corners of his mouth forming into a smirk. i’m lucky to have someone to care for me, you thought to yourself, as naive as always.

©️feinv, 2024.

#constantine 2005 #john constantine x you #john constantine fluff #john constantine imagine #john constantine x reader #john constantine keanu reeves #john constantine fanfiction #constantine 2005 fanfiction #john constantine #keanu reeves imagine #feinv—jc

[sofarsogoodsowhat]

AUUUUGHHHHH MY HEAD HURTS SO BAD

#face #new stupid hat!!!!! #i had so much fucking fun. my boyfriend ended up going with me and staying the whole time :) he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to #we both got drunk i got really stoned we both talked to the dudes from the second band for a WHILE and got cheap leather from em #cuz their singer makes leather like cuffs and collars n that kinda shit #AND THEIR LEATHER IS SOURCED FROM A FUCKING REZ. ITS FUCKING INSANE ITS SO COOL #but also their singer was looking at my tattoos and was like HOW OLD ARE YOU??? and he looks like he’s around my moms age #so that made me feel really fucking good abt my tattoos . #they’re the band that had the heavy metal parking lot shirt #also!!!! talked to the guitarist from the first band outside (i want him BAD) and he got all excited when i said i loved his solos and their #set was fucking crazy and he gave me a couple stickers and then when me and my bf’s bf were talking to the singer from the second band #the guitarist from the first one comes over and starts talking to me again and says he likes my shirt and then he was like yeah man i saw #you out there and i was like damn this seems like the kinda guy that’ll love this set i fucking hope he does I think i’m in love with him. #listen to takacs (columbus based??) + razorblade (pittsburgh) #apparently ppl at thrash shows like my tattoos! i need 2 look into the local thrash scene more

[idkwhatimdoingbutslay]

ADAPTATIONS DO NOT HAVE TO BE BAD ADAPTATIONS DO NOT HAVE TO BE BAD ADAPTATIONS DO NOT HAVE TO BE BAD ADAPTATIONS DO NOT HAVE TO BE BAD ADAPTATIONS DO NOT HAVE TO BE-

ADAPTATIONS ARE NOT INHERENTLY BAD ADAPTATIONS ARE NOT INHERENTLY BAD ADAPTATIONS ARE NOT INHERENTLY BAD ADAPTATIONS ARE NOT INHERENTLY BAD ADAPTATIONS ARE NOT INHERENTLY BAD ADAPTATIONS ARE NOT INHERENTLY-

#i can’t help but get a little defensive at people who hate the entire idea of adaptions as someone who is sooo biased towards visual media #I recognize that but ALSO- #THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD ADAPTATIONS #the reason there’s an over abundance of bad ones is completely on purpose #who’s making these bad adaptations? MASSIVE CORPS #who don’t make adaptations out of love for a source material but obviously for money. they also don’t hire directors and writers who care #theyre also not given enough time or paid enough to have the chance to care. no executive is going into the adaptation with passion theyre #obviously going in with greed #adaptations and the idea of them is just so beautiful to me it’s like lowkey making fanfiction for your fav show 😭 #you can love and adore something on paper so much that you would love to be able to craft it with your own hands for others to see with #their own eyes #it’s just SO- I’m so passionate about this #friendly space ninja just posted a video about good adaptations that even exceeded the source material and it brought up this fire in me 🏃🏾 #some of my all time fav pieces of visual media are lovingly crafted adaptations #all movies can be bad but it’s especially painful when it was already something so well loved #adaptations without care RUIN the industry as well as any hope for people who genuinely want adaptations #adaptation #movie adaptation #show adaptation #arcane #to all the boys I’ve loved before #you Netflix #so many that I haven’t even touched yet UGH #I would love to make adaptations of my favourite books you don’t get it it would HEAL ME #slay on the run

[shatterthefragments]

Tattoo day 💖

(A tale of hope, wonder, happiness, and the existential horror(?) of having ink beneath one’s skin, though vastly overshadowed by the elation in having such beautiful pieces of art adorning my body.)

(Hitting post!!! As always: Feel free to reply and chat etc etc I am DELIGHTED!!)

So it was a weird day because I left later than I had initially wanted to.

My plan of wanting to go relax in my favourite gardens beforehand was a bit foiled by the need to sleep (I went to an event the evening before and despite trying to get my laundry done and my bag packed uhhh it was still midnight before I sort of made it to bed so I decided to take a later trip instead)

But I passed by my favourite island on the way and the weather was absolutely beautiful!!!

The sparkles on the ocean are like?!? Maybe all is good in the world if it can sparkle like this? 💖✨

My note from the ride is:

The world glitters

(I am by the ocean on a sunny day)

But it’s ok that I didn’t get my garden time. I still managed to get a monthly special croissant from a bakery I really like to stick in my bag before getting sushi across the street from the tattoo shop and then heading over 💖

I uh. Should’ve eaten more earlier in the day but oh well. My artist told me to take Advil before to reduce swelling so I did (and my friend said I didn’t bleed very much at all which was nice esp bc I had mixed advice on the Advil beforehand) but I also took Tylenol bc I had a headache (it’s. been a fairly bad pain week in both head and body honestly so I’m just happy that my hips and legs were ok to walk bc there isn’t really another option in the city unless I want to pay ridiculous amounts of money AND still have to walk)

(I did accidentally kick a syringe while walking to the bus but there was no needle and I wear closed toe shoes and I am still alive so I’m assuming I’m ok tbh. Even though I was kinda trying to watch where I’m going I’m maybe just. Not *that* city savvy)

One of my absolute best friends who lives sort of in the area joined me for the whole thing 🥰💖

She approved the Vibes of the shop (and truly it was so nice to have her there as support) (also all three of us being not neurotypical was very nice as well) though was quite worried about the amount of shading that was on the art piece I got 😬 but bc it wasn’t a HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU THINKING moment she held off until after so I didn’t get scared of that 🫂

We did the text piece first and a few parts of the outline hurt a bit more than I was expecting based on the “small little line” that my Artist started each section out with first (which was very kind of them bc I had no idea what to expect) but strangely enough the filling in of the text outline was perfectly fine.

And then for my arm piece I chose to lay on my stomach (maybe I should’ve had a pillow or something to lay on as well?) bc it’s WAY more comfy for me than to lay on my side as was suggested but I just was not comfortable 😬 though my left arm kinda kept falling asleep a bit so I had to readjust sometimes to have it not fall asleep.

The shading. Uh. Definitely was “ok this is fine oh Ouch” each pass but it was ok. I’m most comfortable on my stomach and until it was like getting a bit bad and I wanted to talk as a distraction I was actually kinda thinking that maybe I could fall asleep?

Unfortunately there was a very sudden wave of nausea when we were almost done this one and I threw up in my mouth a little bit. It’s ok. But swallowing back down the acid definitely fucked up my throat through the next day.

So I had a break and slowly sipped on the juice box I brought and held hands with my friend (“you’re almost there and not the fake almost there like you’re actually nearly done”) and then we continued in a seated position instead (which. Is fine for the amount that was left but I am very glad that I didn’t have to sit like that for longer than that did.) (anybody that can’t sit normal Knows) (I asked if there was anything I could put my feet on and luckily there was a stool so I could sit more comfortably.)

Then after we went to the pharmacy for aquaphor and a sugary snack for me (I got a chocolate bar)

She had to go back to work but we got to take the bus most of the way together before I switched to the next part of the trip to my aunt’s where I stayed for the night.

And then I got to hang out with my sister and have a bit of a lazy morning (kinda avoiding going home tbh) which was super nice! Coffee and a little breakfast snack before going to get bao (we got a few different kinds - I liked the red bean one best :)) and eating them in the complex’s yard- shifting our position in the yard as the sun moved (I was initially going to be in the shade but it was cold and wet and I Specifically wore a long sleeve for sun protection to protect the new tattoos (I don’t burn easily but that’s not the point). And then the bubble tea place nearby opened so we got bubble tea :) and shared a waffle but I didn’t really want very much I just wanted to try it but then I was hungry by the time I got to the second part of my trip back home which is fine I got food then.

And then I did have to leave to go home if I didn’t want to be too late.

Gosh I always end up sweating when I go up and down one of the big ramps in a glass enclosure so even though I tried to really take it easy to avoid sweating I fear I may have a bit. But I think it should be okay? (I feel like I’m doing okay now a week later)

I made it home around 7 or so? And then had to like. Talk to mum for an hour or so while I was just trying to eat so I could take another Advil before bed which. Is fine. But I was tired all weekend and still am tired (esp given I now have Flesh Wounds to heal which makes me extra eepy) (it makes me smile to say eepy instead rn so I’m gonna)

Every time I look at my arm I smile I’m so happy 💖🥰

And every time since that I think I don’t love myself I just. NO. I love myself so much that I started to adorn myself with art to carry with me at all times.

I love myself so much that I faced my phobia of needles (though it IS much easier when not faced with them individually) in order to get one of the things I’ve wanted inked into me for a long time and another that I was just fully captivated by when I saw that design available (and STILL available when I decided to go for it which I’m super happy about 🥰)

I’m so glad that I did go for it.

I’m so glad I didn’t get caught up in any bullshit of “oh when I lose weight” even though I’ve been about the same size for years. Or get caught up too much in what other people will think of me.

I’m so thankful I was able to get these tattoos 🥰💖

And now I just hope that I’m able to heal well 🥰💖

And all that said. It just feels *right*.

When I look down at my forearm and see one of the things I’ve envisioned there for a long time. When I look in the mirror and see black ink against my skin it feels more like I’m at home in my body. 🥰🥹

It feels right

(Well. Right now it feels itchy. But it feels right 🥰)

it’s FLAKY but ah well.

(As a side note if we’ve talked here I am most likely willing to send you pictures privately)

#shatters’ tattoos #it’s largely a very happy story imo #but also #mentions #tw #needles #food #emetophobia #things that make me happy #making a home for myself in the body I inhabit #adorning my vessel so it carries me more happily #a very cropped picture bc I’m not posting anything publicly #ah and #body image #I talked to my artist about expanding the upper one one day and they’re down so I’m super excited to do that one day :) #like all the of mentions are truly that - just mentions #Give Way For Happiness #it definitely didn’t hurt in the way I was craving but that’s probably a good thing #and it’s also not so bad that I’m not going to hope to be able to go down my list of tattoos I want soooo I am HOPEFUL

[casualhedonists]

DATING IS SO HARD WTF

#vent to follow in the tags lmao #like. what???? #people!!! chill the fuck out!! #i had some dude unmatch with me bc i didn’t respond to him YESTERDAY #and like it’s not that big of a deal we’d only just matched but like?? patience is a fucking virtue?? and i have a life? #he was all like come back :((( then two minutes later he was like ok sorry for bothering you bye and then LEFT #like. fine if you do that but the message?? what?? #anyway it came at a bad time bc. a bitch is already in crisis rn #cause i kinda feel like my irl friends hate me for some reason and i already feel bad that i’ve been so busy i’ve not been able to #talk to them that much #and i was supposed to go on a trip with my friend but that’s been postponed (not her fault or mine) #and my car still won’t start. we tried to jump it today and it didn’t do anything #anyway i’m like rapid cycling through major emotions and it’s like mimi chill the fuck out #and listening to way too much phoebe bridgers i know the end #also i’m in crisis bc i’ve made up with like. my oldest friend who used to have a crush on me and when i told him i preferred girls he like #stopped talking to me for a while #that was years ago and now we’re slowly becoming friends again but i feel so much guilt over it for no reason #and i get into avoidant episodes as a coping mechanism and like. i feel like im going into one atp #okay okay vent over im okay lmaoo #sorry folks hope your days going better than mine <3 #｡･:*˚:✧｡ mimi speaks!

[jemmo]

ive finally become coherent enough to put together my thoughts on the our dining table ep bc yes i have been crying since thursday, but i don’t think i’ll ever be able to put into words how much i adore how they did this episode.

bc the thing is i like yutaka, of course i do. but there has been something since the first ep that has felt… idk, not off about him, imperfect maybe?? he has all this past with his family and loss and his new family that has developed into this trauma around food but also manifests into just him as a person, like he’s half naturally shy and awkward but that’s also bc of his experiences, which together makes how he acts and behaves and who he is totally ok, fine, understandable and such. but i get this a lot which perpetually shy, timid, removed characters, where I ache so much for them to step out their comfort zone, be brave, have confidence bc i not just want happiness for them but I know it’s there right in front of them for them to grab, and it gets to a point where I almost circle round to getting annoyed with them, like there’s only so much that shyness can hold you back before i as a viewer lose patience or become frustrated, which is both rich coming from me, a perceptually shy to a fault person, but is probably also me manifesting frustration at myself. all that is to say i saw yutaka slowly finding happiness with minoru and i was so happy for him, only for him to then be so unable to do anything when minoru kissed him. he saw his happiness disappearing and it hurt him and yet he just did nothing despite feeling a lot and it was sad and understandable but also kind of frustrating for me personally. i wanted to shake him by the shoulders and say “minoru is the biggest source of joy in your life so go and have it”.

but then this ep happens and you get that moment with his family, these people built up to be these people he felt uncomfortable around and unloved by, and instead you get this brother who, after some initial meaness that sprouted from jealousy, which is very understandable for any child getting a sibling, just wanted a brother, who loved him despite not getting anything back, who cared for him and tried to include him. and then the parents walk in and they’re not these cold, upper class people you imagine, they’re just smiley and cheery and happy to see a son who keeps ignoring them and not coming to see them. they don’t even broach that with any anger, they’re just happy to finally see him. and then it starts to click that when yutaka tells that story about his family, he’s the one that starts to eat alone. yes, he felt a certain way, and in no way am I annoyed or angry at him for that, but he also just removed himself in the face of it, based on something he felt, not knowing whether it was intended or not. and in his life it manifests into this bigger thing when it started as what is basically a misunderstanding, where both sides are at fault for not trying to interact and fix that break in the family. and it’s great bc you only see it, that thing I’ve been feeling under the surface, when yutaka does too. the love was always there, i just hid from it. i ran away, i isolated, i avoided. i did that. and he realises that while yes he can now start to mend the relationship with his family, he ultimately missed out on that love at that time. and now, everything he’s built up in his head bc of that is gonna be the reason he misses out on love and joy again, this time with minoru, instead now he can do something about it, and so he does.

he touches that scarf, that symbol of love that has always been surrounding him, and he runs. he fucking runs and it’s glorious.

and i could pick apart everything about that conversation on the swings, but the moment he said “i want to face it directly. you said you like me.” my god I wanted to give him a standing ovation, i wanted to rugby tackle him with pride and affection bc finally, FINALLY he is not hiding. he is facing it directly, and he says at much. and then he says it for what it is, that minoru confessed and that’s something that happened and isn’t something he wants to avoid or run away from or pretend didn’t happen. he’s not going to return to normal. he’s not going to sit by and just let life pass him by and make the decisions for him, he is finally taking control of his own happiness, bc finally he can overcome his fear that there isn’t any happiness out there for him. he knows it, he’s experienced it, this is his place, he knows it, and he’s not going to lose it. he’s not going to cower, he’s going to trust himself and believe that he is deserving of love, and also trust that the people in his life do actually love him back. he is not leaving space for miscommunication and misunderstanding like he did before, he is going for it, and all that frustration finally disappears bc not only is yutaka going for the things that make him happy, but he is also holding himself responsible and accountable, both for how he misjudged his family, but also for the things happening in his life right now. he’s letting his own decisions be the driving force in his life, and in that way letting himself be accountable for whatever happens as a result. all this time stuff happened ‘to’ him and he never saw his role in it beyond being unliked or awkward or unimportant bc he never believed had one. he didn’t see that he removed himself from his family, bc he thought his family ignored him in the first place, bc he thought he was just doing what they wanted but couldn’t say, that they didn’t want him. realising that he had some of the agency there and is partly accountable for it is such a good turning point for his character bc it perfectly opens up this path to him taking control of his life and using that control to go after joy. it’s realising i am my worst enemy bc i made everyone else into my enemy, and I have the ability to undo that.

yutaka is not just simply this nice, kind, sweet, timid man that had an unloving family at no fault of his own, instead there is so much more nuance. he is not blameless or faultless and it makes him such a more compelling character bc realising that helps him grow. he has to stop seeing the flaws that aren’t there and instead the ones there are, that’s how he can grow, and that’s how he can go about finding happiness.

i don’t know how else to say it. the show is just genius.

#our dining table #this is very much ranty but I hope you get what I’m trying to say here #and in this i wanna make a point of saying i can be annoyed at watching the characters with trauma that i love #it’s the same i kinda got with jaewon in t8s i can both completely understand where your behaviour is coming g from but also be so #frustrated that you let it hold you back and keeps you from happiness #and i can want for you to be better bc while yes it’s not in any way your fault that you have the trauma you do #and it may suck and be unfair but ultimately you’re the only one that can make your situation better #and I can get mad when you try to run away or avoid or repress bc ultimately i as a viewer want that happiness for you so bad #but more so i want you to be able to get it and that journey of that character learning how to let themselves go after that happiness is #almost more rewarding that the happiness itself #idk maybe I’m a sucker for angst and emo shit but that pursuit of happiness is such a basic human need and it’s so good in stories and I ju #and I just love to see that play out

[whimsyprinx]

a new attempt at me trying to sketch out ideas for my porcelain (faerie) royalty outfit that I’m putting together, all I have so far is the shirt, earring (it’s not even finished) and bracelet

#whimsy whispers #I want to thrift as many of the things I’ll be wearing as I cann #or make them myself #I’m trying to make my jewelry I made the bracelet and earring and will make a necklace #idk if I’d make the tiara but I can’t thrift that either cause any big tiara you see at a thrift or antique store is gonna be expensive #so that would probs require a trip to claires #I like rococo shoes a lot but those are expensive and I found a pair of shoes that was really cute and had those vibes but was a size six #which I am not #I need to figure out a skirt/dress sitch as well #I also want elbow length gloves like I did see a pair recently but I didn’t like them idk if I’ll regret having not bought them later or not #rhis is all for fun but also if my roommates and i can put together outfits in time and like are able to then we’d go to a renaissance #festival which I’ve never been to lex has though but had a bad time #idk it’s fun to put together outfits also which is why I’m doing this #I may be going to the local goodwill again this week so we’ll see if there’s anything new since I went last week #I know there’s other thrift stores in town or where I live at but I’ve not been to them or they’re simply not on the way to where else we’ll #be going so it’s like ah there’s no use in thinking about it #just hoping I’ll find at least one good thing

[arthur-r]

(wrote this song before i left for college but it’s sure applicable to life right now!!!!)

lyrics: falling from grace, i’m a rusting lace artifact / tears down my face as i break my immortal pact / trust me, i want to be healthy / trust me, i want to be special and loving and sweet / trust me, i know that i’m broken / please, i just want one more chance to prove that i could be the— / best friends know how to reveal me / best friends know how hard i try to have something to say / best friends know that it’s not helping / can i just go far away to where there’s nowhere else to— / turn around, up and down, i’m melting!!!! / turn around, i have something to say!!!! / color bleeding, heartbeat leaving, need a place to lay my head / arms are folded, fine print bolded, everything is overloaded!!!!!!!! / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue, i’m coming undone / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue, i’m coming undone / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue / trust me, i want to be healthy / trust me, i want to be special and loving and sweet / trust me, i know that i’m broken / trust me, i know that i’m broken….

#when i write a song and don’t know what it means and then i have a breakdown and suddenly know what it means #turns out i have been compartmentalizing since i was a VERY young child as if there are two parts of me completely separate #and one of them is this golden child perfect person always so ready to please #and the other one is a literal fucking monster. that’s how i’ve been thinking about myself since i was a little kid #and i sort of. i had a breakdown about that last week and then yesterday i was so upset about not being able to separate myself from illness #how i’ve always been treated and treated myself as if there’s a perfectly healthy person in there somewhere who is just plagued with demons #so i’m constantly reaching for this person that doesn’t exist and never has and never will #because i can’t accept myself as a whole being complete with good and bad parts of me #it’s also just autism/POTS venting shdhdhdf but i knew that much #it wasn’t until i thought about my childhood though that i realized i’ve always been autistic i’ve always had mobility issues (though less) #and that i have never let myself integrate those aspects of myself into my permanent identity. like i’m waiting for them to go away so i can #prove myself and show how good i can be at just being normal. so i don’t know. anyway here’s a song #P.S. i processed my emotions so good and i’m normal now. gonna get dinner with that guy today and have a normal person conversation #so don’t worry about me. i pretty much fell asleep after i posted and i’m doing a lot better now #anyway i’m not great at this instrument shdhdf and i’ve also been crying so like as a piece of music this isn’t great #but as an expression of a feeling and idea. these are the feelings and ideas i’ve been thinking about #of all the things to theoretically be overheard by a ton of neighbors though. living in a dorm is nerve-wracking!!!! #most people don’t hang around my dorm at this time of day though i’ll be alright. hope everyone is doing well #me. my post. mine. #ask to tag #music

[rosesradio]

.

#i’m kind of really heartbroken right now #so i had tickets to the hot freaks concert and went tonight—which i don’t mind posting on here because i live several hours away #so basically i drove to the venue for several hours and stopped like once for food #it was my understanding that windsor was opening and then the hot freaks and then the happy fits i guess but i didn’t know the exact times #we were running a bit late bc of the road trip and walked in at 7:25 (the show started at 7) and i got to see the tail end of ‘boyfriend’ #& i was like ‘oh okay i just missed their first song’ but then they walked off stage and my heart dropped. i missed everything #and yeah it’s on me because i must have had a misunderstanding about how the show worked #i’d never even heard of a show where an act performs for 20-25 minutes unless it’s like a variety show or something #i did cry about it already and just tried to have a good rest of the night since we’d already driven for hours #i got to meet the band at the merch table which was really cool and they gave me a free signed CD & sticker & friendship bracelet because— #they felt bad for me. which was very sweet (i also bought a shirt) #i know i should be grateful i was even able to go to the concert. and i still had fun but part of me will always be heartbroken #because financially/geographically it’s not smart to go to another show even further away just to see a 25 minute set when i’ve already got #the merch & all. plus i can listen to them on Spotify #i can only hope they come to a location closer to where i live #but there’s no guarantee because they’re so underground. they only resurfaced because of stupid tiktok & they’re only popular enough to be— #half of an opening act. so they could potentially never go on tour again #if i had more of a platform i would boost their music more but i don’t #i know it’ll be okay. it’s just a lot of things have been going shitty lately and i thought this would make me feel better and it just— #went to shit #tw vent #rose.txt

[myfirstandlast]

going through answered asks from when i was 18 wanting to hold myself so tightly

#i’ve never cared for the whole i wish i could see my younger self thing #because from where i was standing it was always still bad so thought why would i want to see them now #things are going to become very hard again very soon but last year was the best year of my entire life #i did something terrifying and then i claimed my life as my own #and a year later i have a car! and im driving! you can’t understand how impossible of a thought this was to me before #i live on my own and i’ve decorated my body and my bedroom and i can buy things i never thought id be able to own #i miss connecting with others my dash is a total wasteland now but i just #seriously cannot believe where i am right now. even though some things are still so screwed up and more screwed things are on the way #and i’m terrified of course. january is the perfect month to feel like ending it all. too much unknown #but still 2023 felt like magic i didn’t deserve and yet i basked in it #i’m not incredibly successful i’m not very interesting but im still so proud of myself somehow. even though i hate myself #it’s not as much as i used to. i appreciate myself more now and i can see how i needed me to get here. and im grateful for me #and for everything i have. i’m just speechless i can’t believe the life i currently have #i’m waiting to enter the era of travelling and intimate get together those areas are still slow coming #but if i could do this i can only hope and hope and squeeze my eyes tight to make them appear someday #i miss so many things but i don’t miss the old me. she sucked but she also cared and she’s still here in fragments #it’s strange to write this way i’ve never felt this sort of compassion before i was so so deeply depressed #it was inescapable and for good reason i don’t know how i made it through anything i’ve endured #i have to thank myself for always being too scared to die

[yuribalisms]

Essentially what it is all boiling down to is I have fully realized I am bad at being a person, that will always be true, and I don’t know how to handle that

#I’m going to be depressing and self depreciating in the tags so. fair warning to anyone who reads them #I’ve known for a while now that I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve thought of a few ideas but none of them seem to be working. and I #think a good chunk of what it’s boiling down to is that I am quite literally just stupid when it comes to an actual useful real life skills. #and it’s frustrating because I can’t even talk to ppl I know and confide in them that I feel dumb and stupid without them being like ‘nooooo #don’t say that! you’re not stupid! you were top of your class in hs!’ (that is their favorite thing to fall back on) but like. the thing is #I wasn’t even smart in hs. sure I did good but that’s because I cheated my way through and got lucky a lot. I never actually learned anythin #I never understood what I was being taught or how to apply it. I was good at English and art classes and that was it those were the only one #I truly felt I knew what I was doing in and grasped the subject matter well. I know I’m good at those two things and smart when it comes to #those subjects. but the thing is. in real life. both of those are useless skills. I can’t make money with them and it is highly unlikely #that will ever change. and yes I know not being able to make money with it doesn’t mean it’s useless but like it kinda does. capitalism #sucks. I know that. we all do. but that doesn’t change that we live in a capitalist society and it’s unlikely to actual change in my lifetim #so I’m stuck to try and figure out how to live in it. but I have no skills I can make money with so I will live my entire life poor and #miserable and working dead end jobs that make me want to kill myself. I’m not good at socialization I’m so fucking bad at it so I can’t work #any kind of job that hinges on networking or sales or human interaction which is MOST JOBS but I’m also too stupid for anything related to #STEM. I tried two different stem degrees and flunked out of both of them because I am a FUCKING IDIOT and I know there’s no point in trying #to go back to school for another one. but no degree in anything I naturally have a knack for will help me find a decent well paying job. ill #just be wasting my money to go to school for something like that. and then like. I don’t even think I’ll ever get married and I def won’t #ever have kids. so I can’t even put any hopeful stock in just being happy with a family one day. I know a lot of ppl who don’t like their #careers but they’re fine with that because they’re happy with their family but like I don’t even have that and I won’t ever have that. I #have NOTHING to strive for and NOTHING I am good at that’s meaningful I’m going to fail at having a career and a family and I know that #doesn’t mean I won’t be happy in theory but by societal standards I am and always will be a fucking failure of a person and since I do live #in this society yeah. it’s kinda fucking true. and I don’t know what to do about that. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being afraid and #struggling and going through patches of wanting to kill myself because of this because like what’s the point. I’ll never have anything #better so what in the actual hell is the point of me existing. and I know I’m being ridiculous and my brain is eating itself and none of #this is probably even true but that doesn’t change that it FEELS like it is a lot of times and esp right now and I don’t know what to do #to anyone who reads this I’ll be fine tbh prob as soon as tomorrow like dw about it I just need to get it out so I stop stewing in it. #I’m just. yeah. not having a great time rn but I left work so I’m gonna cry and then maybe sleep for a bit and hope that helps #kaz rambles

[monsterbroth]

i woke up early today and am way too energised my brain is like spilling in circles but I still have not the right energy to be coherent or focus on actually doing anything with it

#thoughts #horrible feeling! #like tired but also way way way not. #the direct was fun. mario fans must have had a blast wow #not a bad thing I look forward to learning more of the peach game and the art style they went with for wonder is neat #uuuuh. oh I love the design of the glow pikmin they appeal to me very much. i haven’t played a pikmin game properly before but #I’m excited for 4 I’ve been wanting to get into it for a while now. uuuuhhhhhhh! silent hope seems neat ? dragon quest monsters too I like h #how it looks visually .wario ware is silly I don’t know if it’ll actually work but I like that it’s silly ?? I’m rambling to try to get #my energy to a manageable level I think it’s working talking takes So much energy #oh the the . i looked it up pennys big breakaway that seems cool I also like the visuals of that a lot #yeah this worked back to spacing out for me #wait the splatoon segment was weird that’s the last thing like. why’d they do that #maybe not back to spacing out exactly but definitely an improvement to when I started I’ll think of something else #oh I’ve been trying to learn to program in godot! it’s going slow since it’s a lot of reading and takes me energy pretty quick but #i think I’m doing well even if I can only do a little a day like I’m understanding it easy so far. don’t think I’ll be able to make anythin #anything for a while but making it feel less impossible to make something one day is nice #i made the tutorial turtle do a little dance : ) ! and I’ve been working on some crochet on and off. doing a bit more digital art though #just like sketching. i need to clean a bit so I can get my sewing machine set up I want to make little bags so I can carry more things #when I’m out. love having tiny bags for specific things in a big bag #oh and I’ve been reading about gardening a bit I need to map out the garden if I want to plant anything which I don’t know if I’ll be able t #to do any time soon but it’s still fun to think about and I hope I’ll be able to do it some time #ok words over I promise <3 back to art maybe goodnight