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threnodygrimblood · 5 years

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The Family that Shouldn’t Be

Summary: With Muriel and Eustace dead, Courage finds himself all alone at the farmhouse. Fortunately or unfortunately for Courage, the villains he faced in the past begins to make themselves at home at the farmhouse, bringing with them much fun and mayhem the small pink dog can handle.

Rated T for just in case

I was originally going to introduce the Clutching Foot into chapter seven but I couldn't think of a idea so I wrote this one up.

Fun fact: I never saw Toy Story 4 and so a few days after posting my chapter with the dummies I rented Toy Story 4 and saw the four dummies in the movie and all I could think about was what a coincidence.

All Courage the Cowardly Dog character belongs to John Dilworth

The Dream that Became A Nightmare

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Sunlight fell across Courage's eyes, waking him from his sleep. A groan escaped his mouth as the sunlight made his head throb. Why was his head throbbing? What happened last night? What did Cajun make to give Courage a pounding headache? Courage slowly opened his eyes and blinked them a few times. He slowly turned his head towards the window to see the sun high in the sky, and he wondered why he overslept. Another aspect that confused Courage was he was back at the foot of the bed and not in Muriel's place.

I must've moved here in my sleep. Courage thought.

He jumped down from the bed and headed for the door. He stifled a yawn and wondered if there was any breakfast left. Courage walked down to the living room, and the first thing he noticed was how empty and quiet it was. How unusual. He heard a noise as he neared the door to the kitchen, a very familiar humming noise. He opened the door, walked in, and stopped dead in his tracks.

Courage's eyes widen, his mouth hung open, and he could feel his heart beating fast in his chest. Muriel hummed a happy tune as she busied herself at the sink. She turned and smiled at Courage.

"Good morning, sleepyhead. Did you have a good sleep?" she asked.

Tears blurred Courage's eyesight as he ran over to Muriel and hugged her legs.

"What's ever the matter, Courage?" Muriel asked, concerned for the little dog.

Courage tightened his grip on Muriel as tears fell from his eyes. It was a dream — all of it. Muriel and Eustace's deaths, being alone, and then the villains coming to the farmhouse and staying. Nothing but a dream. Here Muriel is alive, and the villains aren't living at the farmhouse with him.

"I had a dream. A terrible dream that you died suddenly, then Eustace died afterward, and I was alone. All alone." Courage wept.

Muriel pat Courage on the head. "There, there, Courage. Everything is all right now. How about we chase those tears away with some happy plums?"

That sounded perfect.

"Mmm-hm." Courage agreed, pulling away from Muriel and wiping the last remaining tears from his eyes.

Muriel resumed her humming as she headed for the refrigerator to get the plums. Courage sniffed and watched with a smile on his face, happy to have Muriel back. Something flickered out the corner of Courage's eye, he turned towards it but didn't see anything. Courage shook it off as the sun reflecting of a tear in his eye and went to help Muriel make the happy plums.

Courage and Muriel sat down at the kitchen table to eat the happy plums, and Courage observed that Muriel didn't have a third cup out for Eustace.

"Where's Eustace?" Courage pondered.

"Oh, that man's outside working on his truck. You know how he doesn't like having any of the happy plums." Muriel told the dog.

That makes sense. Courage thought.

"Be a dear and add the sour cream to the plums," Muriel told Courage as she went to place the baking pan into the sink.

Courage took up the spoon and heard something behind him.

"Huh?" he looked over his shoulder but didn't see anything.

"Is something the matter?" Muriel asked.

Courage shook his head and spooned sour cream into the two cups. The dog tried not to think about what he heard, but he could've sworn he had heard his name called out.

After eating the happy plums and washing the dishes, Courage and Muriel did the laundry and took the wet clothes outside to hang.

"I tell you, Courage, sometimes it's nice to let the clothes air dry," Muriel said.

Courage agreed as he helped carry the basket after Muriel. The older woman hung a blanket onto the clothesline, and Courage gave her a

clothespin.

"Co. . .age. . ."

The dog held up another clothespin to Muriel when he heard his name behind him. He looked back and thought he saw something flicker in the distance. He shook his head, believing it's his imagination and handed the clothespin to Muriel.

They did a few more chores around the house until it was time for lunch. Courage sat at the table tail wagging as Muriel brought the contents of their lunch over.

"Here we are, steak and mashed potatoes. I put a wee dash of vinegar in the potatoes." Muriel whispered the last part to Courage.

Courage didn't care if there was vinegar in the potatoes. Courage was more than happy to eat them.

"Co. . .ur. . .age. . ."

Courage had taken his first bite into the steak he had cut off when the voice came back. He ignored it when he realized Eustace wasn't at the table.

"Where's Eustace?" he wondered once more.

"Taking a nap, I imagine. It's no use waking him since he'll no doubt be cranky. I've saved a plate for him to eat once he's awake." Muriel explained.

Courage saw no reason not to believe Muriel and went back to eating his lunch, but that nagging voice kept making itself known.

This was wonderful, this was peaceful, and Courage sighed happily. The rhythmic creaking of the rocking chair as Muriel rocked back and forth was music to his ears. The warmth of her hand as she stroked his head and back was soothing that it made him forget all his worries. The dog was so happy to have Muriel back, and nothing scary happened the whole day.

"Isn't this lovely?" Muriel asked.

Courage made a sound of agreement as he lazily blinked his eyes.

"Doesn't it just make you want to stay like this forever?" Muriel inquired.

Yes, it did. Courage let out a yawn and began drifting off to sleep. The dog was on the verge of dozing when a faint voice pulled Courage out of it.

"Cour. . .age. . .!"

He attempted to ignore the voice and focus on Muriel's petting, but the voice wouldn't let up.

"Snap out of it, stupid dog!"

"Ignore him. That's just Eustace trying to get you to open your eyes so he can scare you like he usually does," Muriel reassured Courage.

Courage agreed that Eustace would do something like that, but his brows still furrowed with a frown. That voice didn't sound like Eustace's voice. And why did he tell Courage to snap out of it instead of wake up?

"Courage!" the voice was growing louder.

"Shh, Courage." Muriel hushed softly. "You need to rest. Just go to sleep, and it will all be over."

Courage wanted to do what Muriel told him, but that pesky voice wouldn't let up.

"Don't give up, Courage!"

Give up? Give up what? All this was becoming frustrating for the dog. It was driving him mad as he tried with all his might to remember why that voice is so familiar.

"Open your eyes, Courage!"

Courage's face twitched. As much as Courage wanted to fall asleep in that warm, loving cocoon, he just couldn't because that voice seemed to echo throughout the room.

"Fight her, Courage!"

Fight her? Why would he want to fight the woman who saved him? Who loves him?

"Shhh." Muriel shushed again.

Courage turned his attention away from that invading voice and tried to focus on Muriel's voice and hand. But the stroke along his back was no longer gentle and warm. It was harsh and pulled at his fur, and why did Muriel's hand feel clammy?

That voice had gotten louder, almost like it was in front of Courage, and it was shouting.

"Don't listen to anything she says!"

Katz!

Courage's eyes flew open as he realized it was Katz's voice he was hearing! His eyes darted left to right, but he didn't see the feline anywhere in front of him. The cat's next words made Courage's blood run cold in his veins and his breath catch in his throat.

"That's not Muriel!"

Heart beating slowly with dread, Courage turned to look over his shoulder at Muriel, and an audible gasp came out his mouth. Muriel's hair became long and wiry, her skin looked dry, and her teeth became longe and sharp.

"Courage?" growled the creature.

Doing what Courage does best, he jumped into the air letting out a loud scream in the creature's face. Courage bolted for the front door and fumbled with the door handle.

"Don't go, Courage!" the creature cried out.

Courage whimpered as he heard the creature lumbered towards him and was able to pry the door open. He ran out the door and kept running straight, using Katz's voice to guide him. The dog didn't know how far he ran until he came to a skidding halt. He stopped at a ledge. He looked around him. He noted that much of Nowhere had disappeared save for the farmhouse and the land around it. Courage shook and wondered how he was going to get out of this nightmare. Did he dare jump?

"Courage!"

Turning back, Courage saw the creature gaining on him. Any minute it will reach him and pull him back. He turned and got ready to jump.

"Courage?"

Muriel's voice caused Courage to pause, and he turned back to see Muriel completely normal again, and the sad look on her face made the dog's heart ache.

"Why do you want to leave? You can be with me safe and sound forever." Muriel pleaded.

Muriel held her arms out, and Courage so desperately wanted to run into those arms. He wanted to stay here with Muriel.

"Courage, please come back to me!"

Katz's desperate plea brought Courage out of his daze. The dog turned back to the edge and with his eyes screwed shut, took the plunge. Courage's eyes snapped open, and the first thing he felt was a pain in his arms. Looking ar them, he caught sight of two different hands holding onto his arms, one belonging to Cajun and the other to Katz's who's claws dug into his limb. His gaze followed the arms to the cat and fox. Both had a determined look on their faces, their teeth bared and clenched tight, and Cajun's sunglasses were slightly askew. Looking closely, he also saw that Le Quack held onto Katz, and Cajun had a rope tied around his waist, and Weremole was at the end of the rope.

"Don't let go!" Katz cried out at the same time as Cajun yelled, "Let go of him!"

Something tugged on Courage again, he looked back and wished he hadn't. He realized his body was half-submerged in water, and he was soaking wet. He also realized Katz and Cajun were equally damp. Looking behind him, Courage saw that they were playing tug-o-war with a considerable emaciated creature with aqua-colored skin, unkempt wiry hair. Two large round black eyes dotted with other eyes above those eyes, and rows of long jagged teeth pushed out from the creature's large lips. It had its long thin arms wrapped around his waist. It was trying to pull the canine into the murky depths of the diminishing pond.

"Aaaaaahhh!" screamed Courage and grabbed onto each of Katz and Cajun's wrists.

"Pull!" Katz shouted.

"I am pulling!" Cajun exclaimed as his feet worked to find footing on the desert ground.

With a mighty tug, Courage was free of the creature's grip, and Katz and Cajun toppled back with Courage landing on top of them. Courage groaned weakly and quickly perked up when he heard the creature shriek. The creature reached for them as its pond grew smaller still. Another scream worked its way to Courage's mouth, but Le Quack had wiggled his way out from under Katz, pulled out his favored mallet, and swung it down onto the creature's hand. It shrieked loudly and retreated into the depths of its pond as it dried up. Courage and the villains stared at the spot the pond was moments before when finally Courage asked, "What happened?"

The villains stared at Courage.

"You don't remember?" Katz asked, concerned.

Courage's brain throbbed as he tried to recall. He was about to tell them he couldn't remember a thing when it came flooding back. The pond appeared on the farmland, and Cajun and the others thought it was the black puddle Queen coming for a visit. Courage, as usual, was hesitant to go near the pond. He wasn't sure what the black puddle Queen would do to him, not since their last encounter, and also because not only did it not look like her puddle, but it was large enough to be a pond, and the water was a different color.

Movement in the water caught Courage's attention, and he saw the creature moving towards Cajun, who had gotten closer to greet the black puddle Queen and unaware of the danger. Without a second thought, Courage rushed passed the others and pushed Cajun out the way as the creature grabbed for the fox.

He looked at the villains and asked incredulously, "You saved me? Why?"

"Some of us owe ya for saving our tails," Cajun answered.

"And it would be, how do you say, boring without you around." Le Quack added.

"But you should've seen it. When that thing grabbed ya and dragged ya into the water, Katz rushed over and grabbed you." Cajun turned to Katz. "I thought all cats hated water."

Katz was miffed, "I can tolerate water when I need to."

That was true. Courage thought as the dog remembered Katz donning scuba gear when he attempted to blow up the submarine.

"I joined in with Katz and grabbed hold of yer arm. Then Le Quack and Weremole came in to help us when the thing started pulling us in as well." Cajun continued. "We didn't know what it did to ya. You were limp and unconscious, and we were calling out yer name, but ya didn't seem to respond. Not until kitty cat called ya a dumb dog did ya react."

"How did you know it wasn't Muriel?" Courage inquired.

"The water must be enchanted. It was reflecting your dream world in its surface." Katz answered.

Once Courage had gotten all his answers, he realized he was cold from the water despite the desert heat bearing down on them, and his arms ached. Moreso, the limb that Katz had dug his claws into.

Katz must've noticed, for he said, "Let's go inside and get you cleaned up Courage."

Courage was ready to get to his feet, but Katz picked him up instead. Courage wasn't sure what to think as Katz took him into the house and up the bathroom on the second floor. The cat placed Courage on the toilet, and the dog watched as Katz turned the water on. When the tub filled up, Katz turned the water off and put Courage into the tub. Courage sat there in silence as the cat bathed him. Courage would protest, stating that he could do it himself, but his arms still ached and throbbed, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to move them without wincing. Wince he did when Katz washed at the scratches on his arm. The feline's face betrayed no emotions as Katz focused on his task of caring for the dog.

Once Katz was sure Courage was thoroughly washed and cleaned, he pulled the plug from the drain and wrapped Courage in a towel. He set Courage back onto the toilet. When Courage was mostly dry, the dog watched as Katz pulled bandages from behind the mirror. Katz knelt in front of Courage and took hold of his arm. Courage could see concern etched into the cat's face as he looked at the scratches.

"I do apologize for scratching you, dear boy. I kept losing my grip, and I couldn't think of any other way to hold onto you." apologized Katz as he dabbed at the wounds with a gauzed pad.

Courage was amazed at how gentle Katz was to him as the cat wrapped the bandage around his arm. Of course, Courage didn't like the feel of the gauzy material around his arm and wanted to chew on it. But glancing up at Katz's narrowed eyes made him pause.

"I will place a cone on you if you even think about chewing on the bandage." Katz threatened.

Courage gave him a nervous smile, and weakly promised not to. Convinced Courage wouldn't, Katz then said, "Now if you will excuse me. I'm going to. . .bathe myself."

Courage's brows furrowed as Katz left the bathroom and wondered for a moment why Katz seemed embarrassed until he realized what Katz meant about bathing himself. The dog felt a flush form on his muzzle, and he tried to think about something else. Luckily Cajun poked his head to inquire if Courage was done getting washed as he too wanted to take a bath.

Courage had slept deeply that night, and by morning his arms ached a lot less, but the bandage still itched, and he wanted to bite at it, but Katz's threat about the cone was still fresh on his mind. The dog sat before the altar Katz had erected in memory of Muriel and Eustace for him. He stared up at Muriel's picture and noted the flowers in the vase were starting to wilt and will need to be replaced soon. He whined softly as that empty feeling came back.

"Aw, don't be sad, pup!" Cajun exclaimed. "I know just the thing to cheer you up! Ice cream topped with my homemade chili chocolate sauce."

Cajun held the bowl before Courage, and the canine could see the fox had drowned the ice cream scoops with his chocolate sauce that it resembled more like soup than ice cream.

"Non, non. What the dog needs is to beat something up." Le Quack stated as he held up a bat.

Weremole walked over and spat a live trembling bunny next to Courage.

"Yuck!" Courage exclaimed in disgust as saliva dripped off the rabbit on to the floor.

As the villains, or at least Le Quack and Cajun were arguing while Weremole growled and hissed, about the best way to cheer Courage up, the dog caught a whiff of something in the air. Leaving the villains to continue their bickering, he followed the smell to the kitchen, where he found Katz pulling a baking tray of plums out

the oven. Katz glanced over to Courage as he asked, "Are those happy plums?"

"'They put a smile on your face' is what that woman wrote in her recipe," Katz said as he began spooning the plums into cups. "Go ahead and spoon as much sour cream into your cup as you want. There's plenty."

Did Katz go to the store to get the ingredients to make the happy plums to cheer him up? Katz's kind gesture touched Courage. Courage didn't know what to say when he realized that the villains were trying to cheer him up in their ways. A smile graced the dog's face as he spooned a lot of sour cream into his cup, and then the other three villains came in to have a cup of their own that Katz denied making extras for. Courage concluded that his life might not be the same when he had Muriel. However, living with the villains still had the same dangers and terrors Courage dealt with daily, but the dog can say for sure he was happy as he chuckled at Cajun teasing Katz and Le Quack grimacing as Weremole inhaled the cup and chewed loudly. A family. He had a family again. It may not perfect, but Courage was happy to have this preculiar family, even if it shouldn't be.

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I know this sounds like the end of the fanfic, but I assure you that it's not. I just wanted the villains to be the ones to save Courage from peril I still have plenty of chapters to write up especially since I have yet to put Courage and Katz together.

#Courage the Cowardly Dog #Courage the Cowardly Dog fanfic #Courage #Katz #Cajun Fox #Le Quack #Weremole #Courage x Katz #The Family that Shouldn't Be #The Dream that Became A Nightmare #fanfic #ThrenodyGrimblood

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shock777archive · 5 years

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A little Excerpt from a BBRAE Roleplay between my friend and I:

A little context: It’s two years after the end of season 5. Raven is 18, nearly 19 and Beast boy is 18. Raven has fallen in love with Beast boy after he nearly died protecting her from a cult of Trigon seeking revenge. Literally a week after theyve recovered from their wounds, Raven has been losing control of her powers and has been sinking into depression and even losing control of her demonic powers. Robin told everyone to leave raven alone to collect herself, but beast boy had to talk with her...and so he decided to write her a letter.

The excerpt is below the cut! :D I just wanted to share this cause it’s super in character and fucking cute ;A; I really wanna draw this and make it a full on fic, as it does fit nicely with my headcanons... Also, forgive us for any spelling errors. this is via the LINE app on cell lmao

The parts written by me are indicated, and my rp partner is the marvelous @angel-dust-ryuuki

Me: Beast boy stuck his head out of his room...looked to the left, looked to the right. No one in sight. It was nearing bed time and everyone was in their respective rooms. He heard muffled robin and starfire chatting, but could not make out anything they were saying. Raven's room was still cold, and almost gave off an unholy aura. It was dead silent. He wondered if Raven had gone to sleep finally? In any case, Beast boy carried out his little "plan." "If robin wont let me speak to you in person..." He thought to himself, kneeling down to her door. "I'll just have to write instead!" Beast boy slipped underneath raven's door, that single piece of crinkled up paper. Raven noticed it right away. She could always feel when someone was near...And she saw the little paper quietly slip under her door. Beast boy trotted back to his room, took one last look down the hallway at her door, and then closed his door behind him. Plopping back down on his queen sized bed, he began to game some.

Raven didn't know what to expect. But judging from the crinkly-ness of the paper and the horrendous writing, it had to be beast boy. Beast boy...her heart fluttered. Raven opened up the crude letter to look at a small little paragraph or two. She had to squint her eyes to read it.

"Raven- It's me, beast boy. I heard you weren't feeling well with everything that's going on. I just want you to know that it's okay to feel the way you do. Sometimes we have good days and sometimes we have bad days. And I know you're gonna say 'I'm not allowed to have bad days', but...I just want you to know we all hope you feel better soon! I hope I didn't do anything to hurt you or make you upset. Let me know if i did! You can punish me in any way you want! ...well, just don't take away my videogames! (he drew a random smiley face here).

If you're having trouble sleeping, maybe come hang out with me for a little while. I know it's a stretch, but I know robin and starfire do their...Adult things at night and cy usually has to charge his battery by late night...I'm usually up though! You're free to come visit. I won't tell anyone don't worry! The offer's always there and my door is unlocked at night if you need anything. You don't even have to knock! (insert another smiley face here.)

I hope you feel better soon, rae.

-From: (there were a few words here that were scratched out and illegible, followed by a slightly more bold signature: ) Changling. "

Angel: Raven blushed at the letter and held it close. She couldn't help but feel the warmth of his words in this cold room. Deciding to play along.

Beastboy was on his bed when a crow appeared. Dropping a neatly folded and stamped letter on his chest before it disappeared like smoke.

"Dear Changling, Nice name by the way. It's rather fitting. Do you plan to make it your new hero name?I appreciate the concern for what appears to be a more then unwelcome bad day. I know you want to tell me it's okay to feel the way I do. But feelings are not something I can have. You know how unstable my powers are. You didn't hurt me or make me upset. Nothing that has happened is your fault. The fault only lies with me. So please do not blame yourself for any of this. I will take your offer under consideration.-Raven

Me: Beast boy smiled and then looked around his room for more paper. Of course he was cleaner the more mature he had gotten, no longer being able to tolerate the smell. Most of his mess remained inside his closet though. Finally finding another paper he began his response.

A few moments later another paper slipped under her door.

"yeah, changling sounds pretty neat huh? I'll have to admit even I'm surprised I came up with that! (emoji here). Maybe I can ask robin if my personal file can be updated.

Look, I know you're not too keen on spending an evening late at night with some weird green dude but I SWEAR. I won't make you play video games or even make you talk. U could just come and read one of Ur books and I can do my own thing... I know how being alone can make u feel depressed."

Raven paused for a moment. She felt a chill go down her spine. Her room was so cold.. No doubt thanks to her powers reflecting her mood a little.

" the offer is always here. Even if I'm asleep or something u can wake me up! I don't care! I just want you to feel better raven."

Raven blushed deeply and sighed continuing to read the last bit.

"I'm glad I didn't mess up anything... I seriously been feeling like u were mad at me about something. But thanks raven. I won't worry anymore."

Angel: "Dear Changling,I'm sure Robin will have no problem with that. I've heard from Starfire he too is planning to soon change his Hero name to Nightwing. "Pausing on how to continue this. But feeling...lonely? Sighing. "I know your intentions are good. But my powers are unstable right now and I'm not even sure what might happen. I would prefer not to put you in any danger as much as possible."The last part she sighed a bit. "But...I do appreciate the letters. I wasn't even sure you knew how to write.-Raven"Bahaha of course she chide at him a little. XD Well he's never written a letter for her before. Heck he didn't even write one for Terra.

Me: Beast boy scowled at her sarcastic remark. He got out yet another piece of paper -(turns out he found an old empty sketchbook he was gifted but never used).

--- Another letter under her door. Beast boy was getting out of breath at this point XD

"Night wing?!? Okay well at least my name is cooler...."

Raven giggled and then immediately blushed when she realized she was laughing... At one of beast boys jokes?!? Hell had truly frozen over... Raven hadn't noticed it yet, but as she was writing these little letters back and forth, her emotions were stabilized... And her furniture no longer was floating. Hell, even her room began to warm just a tad...

"I think ur just using Ur powers as an excuse not to hang out with me! And yes, I know what happened earlier. Rob-(scratched out) night wing told me earlier. Look, I get that u have to control Ur emotions and stuff. But u were fine before all this trigon stuff happened. Maybe u could use a distraction or two? (winky face smile emoji here)

I do know how to write but I know how to text even better. U can message me via communicator u know.......

U do know how to make a private chat with that thing don't u? "

Raven looked at her communicator which lit up right as she finished reading his message.

In all green text in a private message it read: Sup?

Angel: She texted back then:

I'm aware. Starfire and I private message from time to time. How exactly would you plan on distracting me?

Sending the massage to him then. Putting the ball back in his court. She blushed.

Me: It showed he was typing... Then it showed he wasn't... Then it showed he was. Raven watched in baited breath almost awaiting a response. Why was her heart so giddy all of a sudden? She was technically still a teen at age 18, though the giddiness of young love had not yet crawled its way into her heart.... Til now.Finally his message popped up."okay well I just found out about the private message thing tbh...." he wrote. No wonder he always replied or sent mass texts in group chat...." well I know u like to read. Why not give one of my comic books a try? Or maybe u wanna watch a scary movie?" Raven saw that he was texting her again. Another message popped up."Okay bad idea. Emotions. Bad. Got it."

Angel: She almost rolled her eyes at his text messages. They were kind of amusing. 'You're pretty insistent on me coming into your bedroom " she texted back. Bet he would read that and we'll get embaressed. XD

Me: there was a long pause on her communicator. Then It showed he was typing, followed by a long pause of not typing. Was he embarrassed? Did it go over his head? Raven was tapping her foot nervously on her bed, awaiting a response. Still hadn't noticed the stability in her soul or room...she was that engrossed in this conversation. (Just like any earth teen, amirite?) Finally, then came a response: "I just want you to feel better, Rae." Is all he wrote in that long time. Raven's face instantly turned pink. She had to put her communicator down and cover her eyes for a moment. Meanwhile, Beast boy was in his room worrying sick that she thought he was up to no good. The last thing he wanted to come off as was some kind of creep like that asshole Adonis. But maybe Raven didn't know that about him?! He just wanted her to know he was a gentleman..He was purely doing this to help out a friend and nothing more.

#hope you like #bbrae #rp #me #angel-dust-ryuuki #asdkfjaslkdg

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kyunsies · 3 years

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Hello Mädch ahsdjaksdh <3 !!

how is college going? dw, I hope you are settling in super well and feeling optimistic about school and all the amazing things I know you are going to achieve this year! I am excited that you are starting your rotations now! you are going to do awesome, I know it! I'm sorry that you didn't get that ICU first like you wanted but hopefully it's all part of the plan so that you get it at the right time for you <3 let me know how they go, of course. I hope they go super well.

the week has been a bit weird to be honest, in my team I had a semi argument that was properly tense for the first time with someone and it was just so unpleasant. you know those people where they aren't horrible but you know that you'll never completely see eye to eye with them? i think it's just one of those things, where we'll never just completely read each other or get each other? and it's not, like, a massive issue or anything that we can't deal with, but I feel like usually I get on really well with people or not at all (all or nothing person I guess haha) but with this person I've just got to admit that we're always going to be a bit in the middle? like, we talked it over, and I've still found sometimes we misunderstand one another? so things are still good in work and clients, but with workpeople it has been the more difficult battle? hopefully we should get some more cool media stuff with the K-pop people soon, so that's an up?

OMGsh your coworkers are so much older than you! [lease do post a picture of your room, I am 100% confident that you have made it so dreamy and pretty. Thank you sm for telling me more about these operations though! I feel like everywhere is on red alert at the moment when it comes to health and care and making sure that people look after themselves and not put others at risk, you know? the doctors that to talk to me about my potential surgeries too have said the same but it's nice hearing it from a friend, you know? so thank youuuu <3 <3

I was the same as you, I would get so so so anxious and stressed if I wasn't studying or working or anything like that? but my mum is like your mum and grandma, where she gets up early too! but I feel like I need to do the late night thing instead? but then once I got into this crazy spiral where I would wake up really early and go to bed really late and like nap in between so I ended up like having two hours of sleep either side? that was peak wth at the time haha XD so now I try and let myself wake up a bit later really XD ha ha I'm in barely adulting! like I work so much but I don't earn a lot ha ha – I don't think that's very effective adulting? or like, I don't know I guess for a lot of people my age there's a work hard and hope it pays off thing in certain industries? so you're definitely more effectively adulting than me right now! like, you're going to do stuff that's gonna actively help people and you'll see that right in front of you, you know!!? sometimes my work gets out there but I rarely see directly if it gets to make peoples lives better you know? so the path you're on is so so admirable <3 <3 <3

I get you though, do you find that you thrive under the pressure even though it's sometimes a lot? I find that sometimes it does help me, but sometimes I forget to identify the times when it isn't helping me? or, sometimes I take it too far? so please look out for yourself and take care of yourself <3 and when you're worried if you're on the edge know that it's enough for you to take a rest and not be super perfect. i sometimes tell myself to except that I'm probably gonna make two or three stupid mistakes a day? It sounds kind of silly but it means that it makes it easier for me to accept when I mess up, idk, I think it helps me balance the pressure sometimes? i 100% understand what you're saying - at school do they have people that can directly help? or like peer supporters so it's not as stressful or official feeling as a therapist? if you ever want me to come off anon to help lemme know <3 i'm always here for you <3

oh my gosh your grandparents have been able to live long too! all my grandparents lived close to 100 before passing, and one of my grandmothers had the same as your grandfather. he sounds so sweet and so kind though! i love that he knows how to FaceTime you! Some of my aunts and uncles still don't properly haha. it sounds like he knows that he's super loved though, he's very lucky <3 <3 i've been thinking about all this really lovely stuff and how it grounds you when stuff like careers can stress you out and feel like the most important thing when it shouldn't be? what are the personality differences between the different areas of the US? my East Coast friends seem to straight talk a lot more than my West Coast friends? like they're a lot more realistic as opposed to being, I don't know laid-back or if not laid-back sometimes just more comfortable with superficial stuff? Not like my West Coast friends are superficial people, but I think they accept it as part of the world a bit better? my friends on the east coast will rail against that stuff a lot more, like they buy into the influencer bullshit less? but I guess these are all sweeping generalisations anyway... I might have to travel a bit in europe soon... I got asked to go to otaly for some work today, and to holland next month. Idk if it will end up happening though, things change all the time? I have to keep checking quarantine rules all the time with countries! but YAY and YES Europe tour trip one day :D !!!!!!!

you know what? when I first saw you compare bowling and golf I was like, wait, what? but now I totally get it! i know a golfer and they talk about how physical and strenuous it is on the arms and stuff all the time which I don't think always comes across when you watch it and it makes a lot of sense with how you describe how you trained for bowling! i used to cox in rowing and I always used to find it really funny that I said that was the sport I did because honestly I just sat in the boat all the time and steered XD

obligatory YES WTF ARE COTTON SCENTS! quite a few shops in the city where I live have been closing down because of Covid but our Jo Malone is still going strong! I love that lots of already classic clothing shops have now gone out of business but for some reason the people where I live cannot live without their perfume XD I think I'm gonna go in later this week or next week to take a look! with all this travelling I kind of want to buy something new? also, my hands have been acting up with injury so I have to rest my hands more anyway – so might as well look for perfume right? do you have any recommendations or would the blueberry one you've just gotten be at the top of your list?

the exciting thing is that I'm doing a bit less this week! I need to wait and see if that job wants me to fly out to Italy within the next 48 hours, if not next week, but if not I think I'm gonna figure out how to rehabilitate my joints a bit and get my brain okay? It's been existential Covid crisis week haha - I think a lot of me and my friends have been feeling like we've lost so much of our lives and potential during this time and I've really tried to hold in and ignore it for the past 18 months? i'm not one to ever feel lonely or to really really want to be in a relationship like some of my friends, but I've just been feeling it this week? like, I love my independence, but I wouldn't say no to a boyfriend right now you know? I feel silly saying that sometimes because I'm so against feeling like you have to have someone in your life to be okay, but I guess that's just a result of how the world is has been recently?? but I think all my feelings exploded around this stuff now so, I am trying to get back into a better place? so it's not as exciting as some of the stuff I've told you about before, but it's what's up I guess?

how are your mum and grandmother doing? are they doing good? [lease send all my love to them too. I'm glad these help you reflect on your week! they do with me too and I'm always happy to hear from you, no matter how long you might need <3 <3 hope you manage to reward yourself for working so hard these past days and that you remember you're always doing 110% so you deserve the best!

love you lots and lots - 💥

ANGEL HELLO !!!!!!!!! i told myself i would stay on top of this and swear in a timely manner but ;_____; a full week + 2 clinical rotations later here i am on a sunday, it seems this is always the case :( maybe my get back to you day will only be on sundays LOL i will try my best in the future babe, but ofc thank you so much for being patient with me <3

uni is going fine so far hun !!!! i've started clinical rotations as i've said on thursday and friday, and then my first exam is on tuesday so i read some chapters yesterday so i'm not squished for time lol :) and ,,,, what you said "hope it's all part of the plan" is very much my way of thinking lol wha is your sign? i'm a sagittarius and that's like, a philosophy i go by like everything is how it's supposed to be even if it's not what u want like everything will work itself out :') i'm wondering if we are one in the same !!!!! <3

and omg ;_____; conflict within the workplace is NEVER easy bc all everyone wants is to reach the goal you all are reaching and bc there's some bumps in the road it makes everything that much more stressful :( and i know exactly the type of person you are talking about LOL i've had to work with some of my peers in the hospital who really didn't treat me all that nicely , but i still have to partner up with them anyways bc we had to move a patient lol ; like they never do anything terrible to you but you just cannot come to a proper agreement with them? i know the feeling :( but i can tell you are doing ur absolute best ;_____; it's a tough situation ,,,,,,,,, but may i propose something ??? maybe since things are high stress in the workplace, would u be willing to meet them outside the workplace, like a quick coffee meet up and then discuss those issues? maybe talking about it in the work environment is way too stressful for both of u and it is hard to come to an agreement, but maybe in a calmer, more informal setting do u think maybe the both of u could be like "hey, what u were talking about i'm not really head over heels for but this is what i think and do u think we can do something where both of us will be happy?" im thinking maybe will opening up a means for more civilized discussion?? just a thought LOL :') let me know how it goes :( i hope u are all able to figure everything out !!!!!

about the surgeries !!!!! like i said i know it's super stressful to think about bc this is one of the very few times in life where things are absolutely out of our control and that scares us, and we as medical providers aren't supposed to give u a false sense of security, but i promise u everything will be just fine as long as u correctly follow up with care post-op :) we wouldn't want an infection !!!! >;( i remember last year i had a patient and she was going in for a routine colonoscopy and she was scared shitless ,,,,,,, but i was like "listen ma'am i know it can seem scary but i was just in there with the doctors and everything is super relaxed and they know what they're doing in there, you'll be out in no time and i'll be here waiting !!" and that seemed to help her a lot, after the surgery she was on me like flies on shit LOL she was like "THANK U HONEY" (but i think most of it was bc she was still drugged up hhh)

LOL us with our family members waking up early <3 literally this morning i decided to do my laundry at 8am (its only 10 right right now lol) but idk it just make u feel a little bit better doesn't it? but oh my gosh no i don't see u in this way at all ;_____; babe like you're already THERE in the world working and to me like ,,,,,, being an effective functioning person in society is like all i ever want i just want to be COMPETENT and the fact that u manage ppl ???? it's already a lot of responsibility but you do it everyday like you go to work u make food for yourself u pay bills like yes this all kinda sucks but you're there doing it and idk ,,,,,,,, like u being in this position is like yeah their surviving in the world and doing okay !!!! so that’s how i see u hun ;_____;

and i don’t think i necessarily thrive under pressure but i just kinda ,,,,,,, handle it?? like i think i handle my stress quite well !!! i think the reason why making mistakes scares me so much in my field is bc if i make a mistake i can like, kill someone or seriously harm them if i do something wrong SLKDFJ but i have to remember i’m still just a student and a lot of the things that i’ll learn won’t even be in these last few months of nursing school, but rather during my months of orientation on the floor i’ll be working on when i finally land a job ,,,,,, i know i just have to be patient and kind to myself, but it’s hard not having these high expectations for myself bc everyone else pushes themselves super hard (nurses i mean) so i feel like i should be too , ya know? ;_____; it’s a hard balance that i’ve yet to find but hopefully once i graduate i’ll have just a little bit more confidence in myself :’)

and omg your grandparents lived a long life as well !!!!!!!! a lot of my friends’ grandparents are really young still, so it’s hard for others to relate i think LOL but :(((( i’m really lucky to have them around still and like, i feel like my grandparents are the cornerstone of our whole entire family; once they pass i’m not quite sure what will happen ;_____; so i’m just trying to cherish every moment that i have with them even tho sometimes it’s stressful lol ; also BOUT THE DIFFERENCES FROM EAST TO WEST COAST LOL ; i think u described it really well actually :) like among the friends u have the are from different parts of the states, it’s very accurate in my opinion !! and again after all it is just a very broad assumption, in general east coasters have this “workaholic” attitude, they tend to be very realistic which i actually appreciate a lot lol, i’m hoping to live near the east coast when i move out <3 now where i am from it is considered the midwest even tho it’s more east than west if u look at it on the map LMAO and like, it’s really funny bc if u say to someone you’re from the midwest they’ll tell u our reputation is being “too nice” LSKDLFJSKLD and like that’s our thing, a happy medium between coasts with big cities but small towns too and generally just very chill and nice ,,,,,,,, the south of the US is also known for having that “southern hospitality” overall very cheerful ppl with personality and super kind attitude on life :) now the west of the US i’m not saying there aren’t nice ppl out there bc there are LOL but esp near lost angeles or hollywood ofc you’re going to have ppl very stuck up bc ya know they made it to big bad LA and they want to be trendy with all of the fake health shit (celery juice does NOTHING FOR U sorry lol) generally my view of the west is just very fake and i would never want to have my family grow up there LMAO but that generally like, california and washington but like, utah or wyoming or colorado are just absolutely gorgeous and they have small town ppl there bc there are a lot of ranches there ,,,,,,,, does any of this make sense to u ??? KLASFJ

i’m going to skip a few paragraphs bc this is so long already LMAO but trust me i’ve read everything so far lol ; it seems like you’re doing a lot of traveling !!!!!! <3 i’m so jealous !!!!!!!! italy sounds so beautiful i would love love to go some day :( ALSO U SMELLED THE BLUEBELL PERFUME RIGHT ???? U LIKED IT ?????? doesn’t it smell absolutely divine??? no matter how many scents i smelled after that i knew it was the right one for me ldkfsdlkfj <3 i’m still so in love with it ;____; also about ur lil rant about feeling lonesome :( bub i can really relate to this and i feel the same way like my mom and the rest of my family never pushed me to meet anyone and i’ve always never had a problem making friends, but like, as i’m older and i realize i’ll be alone a lot more of my time once i graduate like i really do want to share my life with someone :( i have a lot of love and i want to be able to show it to someone i care about a lot but i just never really take the initiative to do that bc quite honestly i’m not confident in myself lMAO so ,,,,,,, i know we never feel like we need to be dependent on someone but sharing experiences with someone who feels very strongly for u seems nice, doesn’t it? i wish this for both of us really soon okay?? <3 i tell my friends i would LOVE to be engaged right now lskdjfslfjs :’)

but anyways !!!!!!!! my mom and the rest of my family is doing well <3 and i’m doing okay too !!!!!! i don’t want to bore u with how clinicals are going but if u want me to tell u just let me know LOL and angel i know i say it all the time but always thank u so much for being patient with me okay? u are the absolute best !!!!!! also as promised, here are a few pics of my dorm room LOL it’s a shoebox but it’s my shoebox :) enjoy !!!!!!

#asks #💥 anon #my dorm is the oldest one on campus so :’) it looks a little ugly but I try my best MXJDJD #ignore the popcorn bag on the side :)#also peep the jo malone perfume LOL

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almaasi · 7 years

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you have witch powers? i've always been fascinated with "paranormal" stuff, including magic, so i was wondering if u could tell me stuff about it. is magic real? what kind of stuff did ur grandma do? are ghosts and spirits real too? what kinds of spells can witches cast? is it like supernatural? sorry if i'm asking a lot of questions i'm just so fascinated and curious. i didn't even know witches were like, legit until i read ur tags, i just thought that people back then said that so they had 1/2

2/2 a reason to burn a woman they didn’t like. ok now i’m rambling but in short, what can u tell me about witch stuff? i’m just asking cause i’m really curious :)

(about my tags on this)

#whenever phil gets out the tarot cards and pulls something scarily accurate i’m just like…. yes…. good…show us your witch powers…… #(my own experience with tarot? so reassuring. and calming. it’s like asking for a friend’s advice but that friend is your own brain.) #also my great grandmother was a witch by profession and i definitely got some of her magic #i have not yet learned to recognise a feeling when i feel it.. but when stuff happens later i’m like OH THAT WAS MY MYSTERIOUS FEELING #one of our sheep died a week or so ago.. and for two days straight i was outside in the middle of the night staring at the moon #and wondering why i felt death in the air #and the rain made me cry and it felt like release but i didn’t know why #and i immediately started worrying about our sheep but didn’t follow up to see if they were okay #then two days later my mother comes in and tells me one of our sheep died and two days ago had given my mother “the death look” #if you’ve never seen someone or something die… there’s this look they have that’s like a disgraced peacefulness and self-awareness #but basically i knew the sheep was gonna die without any reason for me to think that #and i need to learn to follow up on my instincts because they’re ever-present and i never know when it’s a psychic thing or random anxiety #disclaimer: IS IT ALL BULLSHIT who knows? but science doesn’t know a whole lot about a lot of things and this stuff is natural to me #so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

okay!! i was expecting someone to ask, so here goes. (in case anyone’s wondering, this is a personal post, and no, i’m not making this stuff up.) (feel free to reblog if you want. but it’s so goddamn long aaah)

first off, an opinion: whether or not you believe magic is real in this world is entirely related to whether or not it is real. at least in my books. magic/paramormal stuff can always be observed, but if you don’t believe it’s anything beyond coincidence or skilled trickery, it’s not gonna impact you.

i do believe in ghosts (or djinns, or something else human-like), but in my experience they don’t really do anything except exist in some other realm and occasionally become visible when i’m at my most lucid, at that point between waking and sleeping. most people (myself included) would say it’s just a hallucination. but like…. who’s to say it isn’t real, just in a way we as humans don’t yet understand? y’know?

the most interesting ghost sighting i’ve experienced was when i was fully awake, not hallucinating. i was in a car with my sister, my sister’s friend, and her mother - and we drove over a bridge, and i saw a fritzing semi-translucent black figure walking along the peak. i looked back and it was gone. it wasn’t scary, it was just really cool. i saw that with my own two eyes, i have zero doubt i saw it, and for that moment, it was there.

other times i’ve seen things pass through walls, or felt presences in the room that vanish when i look. i get deja vu maybe once a week. the ability comes and goes in phases, switched on and off whenever i tell someone about it. it’s like that part of my brain gets really shy and goes into hiding when it’s mentioned.

sometimes it can be pretty powerful. there’ve been moments when a deja vu begins, i remember it from a dream, fast-forward through the memory to remember what happens, and i get ahead of present time, so i predict what’s in front of me by about one to three seconds. usually it’s snippets of conversation, or my hands moving to complete an action, or words i’m typing. (let me tell you, it’s so freaking bizarre when you’re consciously typing, thinking about what you’re typing, and simultaneously remembering typing it before, and knowing what you’re about to type despite not yet knowing. and then seeing it happen. i think a lot of people reading this would be like “what?” but i know there’s someone out there who knows exactly what i mean)

for a long time in my teenage years i told people i’d see coloured figures, like auras without physical people, just hanging around out there in the world, but due to health issues a lot of my teenage memories are gone, and the only memory i have of that stuff is the recollection of me telling people about it, and remembering it while telling people. it’s really weird. i sometimes think maybe i made that up?? but i don’t understand why i’d do that when i do actually see other things sometimes.

once, my family visited this old historic building, and i remember seeing a woman in a maid’s outfit duck through a doorway. but she wasn’t actually there. so. idk.

my great-grandmother (or great-great grandmother?) on my mother’s side used to sell love spells to the people in her Indian village. my mother told me about it when i was little. my [great] great grandmother would write a spell on parchment, and the client had to go home and burn it in their fire. and she would curse people, in exchange for payment. that’s all i know about that. but my grandmother (also on my mother’s side) used to have some kind of power, i never got to ask about it while she was still alive. (she was an awesome woman. one of the first women in her country and generation to go to university.)

personally, having been raised as a muslim, i always felt really disconnected from the culture and practices of the religion, even though i believe in the supernatural aspects of it right down to my core. that’s despite my ultimate acknowledgement of facts being deeply rooted in hard science. recently (like, in the past few months) i’ve started to rediscover my faith - directly following on from a quiet interest in the pinterest & instagram aesthetics of paganism and new age magic, which as a concept i was never really sure about. i just really liked how it looked. basically, it clicked in my brain that islamic prayers could, in essence, just be spells. you gotta take everything with a grain of salt. they might not work. but that’s the beauty of it.

a few weeks ago i stumbled across a prayer on tumblr, and read its intended purpose: “Allah will grant whoever recites this seven times in the morning or evening whatever he desires from this world or the next”.

and… i started to think, maybe the purpose is not to actually do that. nothing ought to be a get-out-of-jail-free/do-this-and-your-life-is-made type thing. maybe the purpose is to make you believe nothing can go wrong. and that every bad thing that happens–? it happens so that you can learn from it. and eventually, after many things change, you realise what you desire was not the thing you thought you desired. (idk how to explain that. an example from my life: i really wanted to be a veterinarian growing up. then i got sick, dropped out of school. and now i’m a writer. i want to be a writer more than i ever wanted to be a vet. i had to get sick and my life had to fall apart before i could discover that. writing was never something i’d have considered before.)

my point is, if you believe everything that happens to you will ultimately be a good thing, bad things don’t hurt so much.

and if you take something as a sign, it’s a sign. it’s just your own brain taking hints from the world around you and using them to conjure up a decision. if you wanna believe it’s magic, it is.

personally i like protection prayers/spells and just…generally positive ones. i say prayers for sick friends, people who i see on my tumblr dash who are having a bad time, and if i see or hear about disasters or worldwide events. i’m not expecting it to have a visible impact, but like.. what’s the harm? at the very least it makes me feel like i did something if i don’t have money to give, or i can’t be there with a friend, or the world is falling apart and i’m helpless. praying or saying a spell is just hoping, really, really hard. if some greater being is out there, listening? cool. (but what if god doesn’t wanna do anything? maybe it’s like my cupcake theory. god puts the ingredients in a baking tray, shoves it in the oven, forgets about it. the universe rises as a cupcake. god made it. but the universe is doing its own damn thing.)

regarding tarot cards: again, it’s self-reflection. you can believe answers come from outside influences, but it’s easily just as much about interpreting generic advice and making it mean something to you. but personally i’ve drawn random cards, and known that no other card in the deck would’ve been as relevant at that moment. i’ve used tarot cards to determine the endings for my stories, and coincidentally pulled cards that directly represent my title characters.

one time i was thinking about my fic “The Moonlighter and the Magician” and the card i pulled first was The Magician. and i was like gee thanks tarot cards that’s helpful. (but actually? it meant those cards were on the same wavelength as me. think about it. 78 cards, there’s a one in 78 chance i pull that one on my first try.)

apart from my wonky first-ever tarot readings with the Rider-Waite travel-size tarot deck (which belonged to my mother), i’ve never pulled anything that didn’t eventually make sense. i use The Wild Unknown cards now, i relate to them so much more. plus they’re mine, not borrowed or abandoned for years, which probably helps. (buying those cards was the most money i ever spent on anything. i don’t regret it.)

is any of this like the show ‘supernatural’? not really. the closest i can say my experiences have come to the show would be the episode “faith”. just, the whole episode. it doesn’t matter if it’s the real deal, so long as it works. and boy, does it work for me. and a lot of other people.

like i said, all the spirit-like entities i’ve encountered have been perfectly benign. no monsters, except things i’m pretty sure are nightmares.

but on that note, i take a lot of things to help me sleep. if i didn’t, i’d be waking up screaming night and day (i hit whistle register while screaming, once). i see faces in the dark and creatures in my bedroom, even when my eyes are closed and i’m awake. i sleep with a light on, and i prefer to sleep in the day. i cannot even deal with the presences in my room.

for that matter, my room is definitely the most presence-heavy room in the house. now, although it’s obviously just in a drafty area, i feel the cold spots. all. the. time. i’m feeling one right now as i type this. the door and window are both closed. the heater is always on. the draft comes from the same corner of the ceiling my cat stares at when she’s “staring into space”. there’s definitely something there, but it legit doesn’t bother me. it watches me get dressed sometimes, but it’s not weird about it. like i said, benign.

i feel energy everywhere i go. i can’t stay in my family’s open plan living room comfortably for more than a few minutes, because that room is filled with people and pets coming and going all freaking day, and even when it’s empty, it’s so LOUD. there’s vibrations and voices coming out of the walls, because the house absorbs it all. as a generally tired person, that room exhausts me. i can only stay there if i have social energy. (yes, even an empty room.)

i am so, so sensitive to people’s moods and the energy they let out (to the point where i burst out screaming if i see a negative microexpression during a personal conversation). i find phone calls very difficult, not just because of social anxiety, but because i can’t sense energy as easily as i want to, and is natural for me. skype calls aren’t the same as being there in person. a lot of this could also be autism-related, but nearly everything about me is autism-related, because i’m autistic. go figure.

one time, the day i had my first period, i passed out in a maths exam. all the other times in my life, i’ve seen black or maybe red when i passed out, but this time it was a striking cobalt blue. and i heard SO MANY VOICES, i thought the whole classroom was full of people shouting. my P.E. teacher was observing that exam, she carried me out of the room and lay me on the floor outside. i told her about the voices, she looked at me in confusion and said “there were no voices?? the whole room was silent for the exam.” obviously that was a weird day, but given the amount of times i’ve lost conciousness in my life, before and after that day, i know the warm muggy feeling of slipping away, and i guarantee that one was just a little bit not-normal.

my cat Wilson follows me everywhere. if you’ve ever seen a picture of a witch and her familiar, that’s me and Wilson. she leaves the house if i leave, and she’ll walk down the road beside me to make sure i stay safe. she only lets me leave completely if i go in a car, but even then, she tries to come too. i know what she says when she talks. she speaks in words for me. it translates naturally in my head without a thinking process.

there was this one time when i was about 15 my parents took me to an after-hours medical centre because apparently i was ~speaking in tongues~ or whatever. i don’t remember it, i remember ‘waking up’ with a doctor’s flashlight in my eyes, crying, then holding my sister’s hand as we looked at the fish in the fishtank afterwards. i can’t say how legit that is because i just.. don’t remember it.

one time as a kid, i am absolutely sure i was possessed for about 30 seconds. i was walking down the street on a balmy English afternoon, pine needles scattered underfoot, with my elderly grandmother (paternal), my grandfather, and my sister. i must’ve been 6 or 7? and a streak of evil just bolted through me. and i stuck out my foot and my grandmother fell flat on her face. my grandfather tried to help her up, a car driving by pulled up and asked if they needed help, grandfather said no, and got her back to her feet. i can’t remember if i felt remorse. i think i just knew instinctively that it wasn’t me who did it. but like.. i wasn’t just A Nice Kid, okay, i was The Nicest Kid. i just don’t do things like that. ever. especially not to a kind and generous grandmother who i love so very dearly. i never had before, and i never have since. that’s the single most evil thing i’ve ever done in my life and it came out of nowhere. being more aware now, i think it was a djinn (aka a demon in christian beliefs, i think). they’re known for being mischievous. (my grandmother was fine, by the way. this is the first time i’ve told anyone about this.) now i think about it, i remember cobalt blue behind my eyes then, too.

whoops, this is a really long post now. but uh… basically, i’ve just always been open to feeling these things, and believing in what i sense for myself, without subscribing to whether or not the science has been done yet. in fact, i think i’m open to it because i experienced the same stuff when i was young. the energy i feel is very much real to me, completely tangible. i’ve never been able to see auras, but i feel them on some people. i think just being open to feeling something makes it more likely to come to you. i try not to ignore my instincts (because they’re always right. always.) but i find it’s super hard to distinguish between anxiety (which i feel often) and magical ability (which is far less commonly felt). also sometimes the instinct is so faint it doesn’t even become a passing thought, just a blur of something i half-considered. but in hindsight i realise what it ought to have been, had i paid proper attention.

i can comfortably manage to go outside in bare feet, shut my eyes and let the moonlight do its thing. it has an immensely powerful energy, i always feel cleaner inside when i go back in. (my cat Wilson sometimes asks me to go outside with her when there’s a full moon. almost every night, especially on warm nights, but even freezing ones, we can just stand out there for an hour together. watching the moon set is transcendent. far more so than a sunset.)

right now, due to years of bad health, i have to force some natural abilities away (like the nightmares) because they’re too much for me to handle. i think as i recover, over time it’ll be easier for me to accept that stuff back into my life.

oh, one more thing, regarding my health - i have celiac disease, which has kept me essentially bedridden for the last 7+ years - WHICH BY THE WAY, my family spent literally 9 years trying to diagnose. my doctor kept doing an anaemia test, telling me there was nothing wrong with me and sending me back to school. i saw various specialists, herbalists, a naturopath, physiotherapists, cardiologists, had an MRI scan, saw family counsellors, school counsellors, a hypnotist, etc etc - basically consulted every medical professional under the sun when a simple blood test would’ve done it. stupid misogynistic doctor who thinks all teenage girls fake it to get out of school.

but one thing we did do was visit a psychic, who told me i had something called a candida. my dad, a sceptic and nonbeliever, googled it and said it was “some kind of magical thing in the gut”, and was therefore bullshit, so we continued the search for a diagnosis. years later - years - after a change of doctor (who i chose because i got a good vibe from her picture) we find out it’s celiac disease, a disease of the gut. of the hundreds of people we saw, the only ones to even pinpoint the right body part were the psychics. i googled candida just now and guess what? literally celiac disease. this woman diagnosed me with celiac disease by kneeling at my feet, holding my hand, and shutting her eyes for 30 seconds.

for the record, slightly off topic, i know very few men in real life, and this is what the men in my life have been. my doctor, dismissing me as a liar because i was a teenage girl. and my father, dismissing my declining health as “not trying hard enough”, even now, more than a year after i was diagnosed by a doctor. i think this is why i take refuge with male fictional characters. they’re better. i want them to be soft and understanding like the men i’ve never known.

anyway, this is the part of my life’s story i never really pieced together until right now. it’s a lot, more than i expected. i happily call myself a witch. most of my magic goes into my stories, and i think a lot of people who read them feel it, even if they translate it as passion or love or good vibes or something. the amazing comments i get would speak to that. i love the energy i get from comments, because it does come through in typed words, even if it’s much fainter than seeing people face-to-face. some comments just hit me with waves of goodness, even if the words themselves aren’t so powerful. so i really appreciate that stuff. it’s good stuff.

yep. that’s all. i hope this satisfies your curiosity, anon!!!

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