#and at some point i looked up at my spreadsheet and realized there were a ton of ghost AUs and only 2 non-ghost AUs

[bulkyphrase]

Cap-IM Rec Week - Wonderous Wednesday

Day 3 of @cap-ironman's rec week event!

Apparently I have a ghost problem, so this leans heavily towards a "Halloween in July" kind of theme.

one more moment of this silence by Red (S_Hylor) (@s-hylor) (Marvel | Mature | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | 2,227 words)

The AU: Supernatural Elements

Summary: Tony can see ghosts. Not just any ghosts, but ghosts of people how haven't found peace yet, or refuse to. Ghosts of people whose bodies have never been found. The closer to their bodies he gets, the more he sees them, an ability, or a curse, that he uses to help the police find body's of missing people. It's never easy.

there's no dreams in the waves, only monsters by S_Hylor (@s-hylor) (MCU | Teen And Up Audiences | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | 70,441 words)

The AU: No Powers, with supernatural elements

Summary: Driving while tired is never a good idea, especially when the weather is terrible, as Tony finds out the hard way. Now in pain, with a wrecked car and no phone service, Tony is stranded at a hotel perched on a cliff overlooking the flooded ruins of an abandoned town in the valley below. With no working phone, only three other people around, Tony isn’t sure who to trust or what to believe. Something isn’t right, something is stopping him from leaving.

Twelve Days by elysianprince (@elysian-prince) (MCU | Teen And Up Audiences | No Archive Warnings Apply | 22,027 words)

The AU: No Powers, with supernatural elements. Inspired by The Spirit of Christmas, simply the best basic cable Christmas movie ever.

Summary: In which Tony finds himself in a town that looks like it crawled out of a Hallmark Christmas movie, trying to sell an inn he didn't know he owned, all while dealing with Steve Rogers, the resident ghost who has returned to haunt the inn each December during the twelve days of Christmas for the past seventy years. Tony has only one logical solution that benefits them both: break the curse that binds him - but falling for a man almost a century old wasn't among his plans.

More below the cut!

And Time Went On by Morena_Evensong (Marvel | Mature | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | 106,811 words)

The AU: MCU/EMH/616 Fusion

Summary: Two hundred years ago the Mandarin attacked Washington, the first stage of his plan for world domination. And the Avengers... vanished. All except Iron Man, who eventually managed to defeat the Mandarin with the help of SHIELD, a few other superheroes, and their friends. Now, nearly two hundred years after the death of Anthony Stark, the current Stark heir, Tony, is moving into the forgotten Stark Manor in order to avoid falling into the clutches of the United World Council. But Stark Manor isn't just an empty old house and mice aren't the only things that have been inhabiting it for the past two hundred years. As Tony uncovers the secrets of Stark Manor, and more than a few horrifying truths about the world he lives in, a powerful threat suddenly arises. One that leaves shattered cities and seas of bodies in its wake as it slowly sweeps its way across a world that no longer has a last line of defense.

Wasted on the Dead and Dreaming by LinneaKou (MCU | Teen And Up Audiences | No Archive Warnings Apply | 37,554 words)

The AU: Ghost Hunters

Summary: Steve looked right at his friend, and he felt just as disoriented as he had when he woke up in Munich. “What the hell is going on?” Bucky winced. I think you’ve spontaneously developed psychic powers. And well. Wasn’t that just great. When Captain Steve Rogers got back from his tour of duty, he didn't expect to come back with the ability to communicate with the dead. When Tony Stark moved back into his childhood home, he didn't expect his dead father to still be inhabiting it. When Tony hired Steve to investigate the ghosts of his family mansion, they didn't expect to be swept up in cover-ups, corporate sabotage, and murder. Now, time is running out as increasingly disturbing dreams haunt Tony and the ghost of Howard Stark proves to be the least of Steve's problems. If they're lucky, maybe they won't end up ghosts too.

The Little Things Unknown by coaster (@coastertoaster) (MCU | Mature | No Archive Warnings Apply | 27,618 words)

The AU: Ghostbusters fusion

Summary: Tony Stark has three certainties in life: one, that science was where his mind worked best; two, that, since ghosts had become a science, anything was possible; three, that he would never know if Captain America was that much of a paragon because the man was long dead. The subject of Certainty Three might be sitting at the foot of his bed. ~ Steve is a ghost. The Avengers bust ghosts. And Tony isn't sure what to make of Cap here. But hey, at least his other hauntings have stopped, right?

Does not play well with others by usedupshiver (@usedupshiver) (Marvel | Teen And Up Audiences | Major Character Death | 11,588 words)

The AU: No Powers, with supernatural elements

Summary: While sneaking into the Starks' abandoned home, Steve makes the startling discovery that even though no Stark is living in the house anymore, not all of them have actually left.

A Long, Lonely Time by asktheravens (MCU | Mature | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death | 58,567 words)

The AU: No Powers, with supernatural elements

Summary: Steve returned from the war injured in body and mind- and able to see the dead. At loose ends and desperate to get out of New York City, he accepts a fellowship through the Stark Foundation and retreats to a quiet lake house on the grounds of the Stark Mansion. He's supposed to be there to paint, but he quickly realizes that the house is more than he bargained for. Anthony Stark died here a decade ago, but was it an accident? A suicide? Or a murder? Obadiah Stane still lives in the main house just up the hill, and the past casts a long shadow. When Tony's ghost begins appearing to him, Steve becomes more entwined in the dangerous mystery surrounding his death. Even worse, he finds himself falling for a man who died a decade ago... Features lots of ghosts, murder, secrets, and supernatural revenge. Also Thor and Rhodey.

Catch a Falling Star by tsukinofaerii (Ults | Explicit | Major Character Death | 42,741 words)

The AU: Science Fiction. There's a nicely spooky scene in a damaged space facility, but no supernatural stuff

Summary: When Tony was sixteen, he got to meet his hero, Captain Steve Rogers, the Empire's not-literally-golden boy from the Continuity Wars. When he was twenty-seven, the aforementioned Captain turned Pirate picked him up at the outer edges of space. It would have been a good time to appreciate the abundant nudity that came from spending too much time with space colonists, but Tony had bigger worries than even Rogers' amazing hip-to-shoulder ratio. Something was sending the star-encircling computers that power the galaxy into a tailspin, and it was going to take a lot more than luck and skill to clean the mess up.

The Road Through October Country by indigostohelit (616 | Teen And Up Audiences | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | 2,803 words)

The AU: High School, with supernatural elements

Summary: It's a beautiful day in October, and Steve's hiding behind the library, his knee bleeding, when he sees the boy for the first time. Tony makes Steve laugh, and his hands are as cold as ice, and he doesn't leave footsteps in the mud. But in a cold graveyard after sunset, Tony asks Steve to make a choice that will change - or end - his life forever.

Tidal Pull by sabrecmc (@sabrecmc) (MCU | Explicit | No Archive Warnings Apply | 97,740 words)

The AU: Civil War era historical, with fantasy elements (no ghosts, but it does have slowburn + tentacle porn, which even I'll admit is just as good)

Summary: After the American Civil War, Union soldier Steve Rogers takes a chance on an opportunity to sail with the Stark Trading Company down in the Caribbean. During a terrible storm, his ship is lost. To his surprise, he survives, and ends up stranded on an island that isn't quite as deserted as he first thinks. Or, a reverse Little Mermaid tale where Steve has to fall for the fish-man.

#capimrecweek #stony #marvel fic rec #steve rogers #tony stark #ok so what happened was #i was going through my bookmarks pulling out my favorite AU stories #and at some point i looked up at my spreadsheet and realized there were a ton of ghost AUs and only 2 non-ghost AUs #so i just went with it #also ghosts are great #i ❤ ghosts forever

[gowns]

one of my "special interests" in the past couple of years has been exploring fast fashion vs. slow fashion. it has been a long journey trying to find clothes that actually 1) fit me 2) look good 3) are made from material that is not actively shoving plastic in the ecosystem 4) involve ethical labor, fair trade, fairly compensated, etc

before i did this research, i really had no clue about fabrics or fashion brands. i used to think i had zero interest in fashion, in fact.

i grew up wearing walmart and thrift store clothes, and when i went to college i bought clothes from target and asos. something started to shift a little bit when i found vintage resellers on etsy and ebay... those clothes were so unique. but a lot of the vintage clothes were polyester blends, stiff, and would fall apart as easily as my asos clothes. i would leave them hanging in my closet and never wear them. i would wear the same old t shirts and jeggings every day. i felt like it was impossible to ever wear comfortable clothes, or ever feel good in clothes, so why bother?

it started with linen. linen is very comfortable and pretty sustainable. i was amazed that i didn't feel the urge to rip my clothes off when i wore linen. lightbulb number one.

a friend let me borrow a nooworks dress, and i went to the store and got some overalls. wow. overalls. lightbulb number two. holy shit, you can wear overalls. you know how people say "not binary or non-binary but a secret third thing." that's overalls.

i realized i loved the bonkers prints that nooworks had, and all of it was soft, and made ethically. it was a higher price point than i was used to, which gave me pause. but then you realize: we're not supposed to be buying dumb clothes every other weekend. and isn't a slightly higher price point for soft clothes that you won't want to tear off your body worth it?

so i started my research. i made a spreadsheet. the prices can be all over the place across brands, so i made a column for prices. sizes can be all over the place too -- people always ask me "where is the plus size slow fashion?" it's there. just look at the size column. people say "isn't it better to buy secondhand?" yeah, it is. i have many links to secondhand sources.

if you have any suggestions or additions please let me know, it is a living document.

#slow fashion

[tonysslut]

just your boss

pls do not copy or repost my work

this is kinda long but i'm so obsessed with it and i hope you guys love it just as much!!

tony stark masterlist

you internally rolled your eyes as you watched as everyone started to leave for the night. it was a friday night and most of the work had been given to you, like usual—countless documents to go over, meetings to set up, and a plethora of emails to be sent.

the vast majority your coworkers despised you, especially your female coworkers. they were all under the impression that you were having an affair with your boss. the he looked at you, brought you coffee every morning, and even gave you your own office was proof enough for them.

if it weren't for you overhearing them talking about you, you would've never realized why they treated you the way they did.

"she's such a whore. sleeping with tony just to keep her job." she said with disgust in her tone and a not so subtle eye roll.

you weren't totally oblivious. you were aware he treated you a little differently than everyone else, but you just assumed it was because you were new, but that treatment continued as the months went by.

and you definitely weren't blind, he was attractive—very attractive. he towered over you, his dark brown hair flecked with gray here and there. he had one ring on his pinky, the gold band always shined bright as he walked through the office.

with most of the office empty, you knew you'd be able to get a decent amount of work done, giving yourself a nice head start for the following workweek.

tony observed you from his office, your eyebrows furrowed in concentration, bottom lip tucked between your teeth as you read your screen. he smiled as you bopped your head to the music that played through your headphones.

he admired how hard you always worked, even when the rest of his employees attempted to make your job more difficult.

you were so lost in your work that you didn't notice tony leaving his office, standing in front of your cubicle. you let out a startled gasp as you looked up.

"sorry, didn't mean to scare you." he let out a breathy laugh, you laughed with him, feeling slightly embarrassed at your reaction.

"it's okay. i didn't notice you were there. can i do anything for you?" you ask, taking your headphones off to look up at him.

"what are you still doing here? you should've left a few hours ago." he stated, walking around to look at your screen. you felt his colonge seep into your system as he leaned in close to you, cocking your neck to see his profile from the side.

he sensed your gaze and turned to meet yours, smiling.

you turned red when his eyes met yours. internally cursing at yourself for staring like an idiot.

"um, i'm just getting ahead. i don't have anything planned tonight so i figured i'd stay a bit later and get some work out of the way. i can leave if you're on your way out." you offered, not wanting him to stay longer so he could close once you left.

you noticed tony's eyes drop to your lips for split second. he shook his head. "no, i don't mind." he stood up straight turning around to walk back to his office but he suddenly stopped. "actually, could you come into my office for a second? i could use you're help with something."

you nodded your head, followed him.

you loved the view he had in his office, big windows from the floor to the ceiling that showed off the beautiful city. the room was pretty dark apart from a small lamp that sat on his desk, illuminating enough to see what he needed to see.

he reached under his desk and pulled out a thick binder, flipping through it till he found what he needed.

"i like to keep track of sales here." he point at the spreadsheet. "but, it's not very organized. i used to know what was what but i lost track and want to sort it out. any suggestions?" he says resting his hands on the desk to be eye level with you.

once again you find yourself staring again but pull yourself together quicker this time.

"well, you can go by dates." you look down at the binder, noticing he has dates by each number. "if you don't mind, i can go through and but the dates in order on a new spreadsheet and have it ready by monday." you say with a smile, tucking your hair behind your ear when you look back up and find him already looking at you.

"thank you for the offer, but i can do it myself." he smiles at you. the lighting in his office enhances your feature and he can't bring himself to take his eyes off you. "you work harder than everyone else, no reason for me to pile on anything more."

you smile at his comment, realizing he does notice your attempt at being a good employee.

your smile made tonys heart skip a beat, he wasn't sure why but he started to lean into you, and you didn't stop him. his soft lips pressed against yours, leading you into a gentle kiss. you let it happen, tasting the mint gum he had previously had.

he placed his hands on your waist, pulling you into him. even with him bending down, you still had to crane your neck upwards to reach his lips. the kiss was quickly become more and more passionate. neither one of you could get enough.

tony pulled away at the lack of air, pressing his forehead against yours. "tell me to stop." he whispered, catching his breath.

part of you wanted to tell him to stop, you shouldn't be crossing the line on professionalism like this. but the other half wanted this, so you kept quite, locking your eyes with his.

your eyes told him all he needed to know, he rushed back in, kissing you harder, placing his big hands on the back of your legs, lifting you up and setting you on the edge of his desk.

his hands roamed your body, reaching the end of your shirt to pull it off you. he start to kiss down your neck when you pull of his jacket, quickly undoing the buttons on shirt.

the way he feels against you has you feeling dizzy. his touch feels so good. he reaches your bra and unclasps it, you move your arms so it falls right off.

"god, you're beautiful." he says as he pulls back away from you, slipping his shirt off.

you also take the chance to admire him, he was just pure muscle, sculpted by god himself.

he reaches around you and unzips your skirt, you lift your hips so he can pull them off, taking your panties off as well. he pulls you closer to the edge of the desk and kneels in front of you. your body feels like it's on a fire at this point.

he leans in and licks your cunt. your eyes flutter shut at the feeling. his warm tongue laps up your arousal, humming against you at your taste. he wastes no time, sucking your clit into his mouth and massage his fingers around your hole.

you lean back on your hands and watch as he eats you out, his eyes locking with yours when he pushes two fingers inside you. his thick fingers stretch you out in the most delicious way possible.

he thrusts them in and out before he curls them upwards. between his tongue and fingers, you can't hold yourself up anymore, dropping yourself onto your back. your hand finds it's way into his hair, slightly tugging at his roots. a moan vibrates against you at the action, causing you to arch your back.

you were embarrassed at how fast your orgasm was approaching but tony just encouraged you, moving faster, pressing his fingers deeper inside you.

your release hit you like a truck. vision blurring, stomach tightening, legs shaking around his head, hands tugging harshly at his hair. he didn't slow down his movements, wanting to prolong it for as long as possible. he only pulled away when you started to push him away at how sensitive you had gotten.

he rested his head against your thigh and watched as you catched your breath, he could still feel the subtle shake of your legs. pressing kisses against your leg, he made his way up your body to your lips. you moaned at the taste of yourself, sitting up so you could undo his pants.

you pushed them down and let him kick them off. grabbing his cock, you stroke him as you two continue to kiss. you could feel how big he was, throbbing in your hand. pulling away, you slightly lean back and line him up with your entrance.

he looks down at you, almost as if asking for permission. you nod your head and he slowly pushes into you. the moan that leaves your lips is involuntarily, he stretches you out in ways you never felt before.

you hear him curse under his breath when he's fully nestled inside you. he just rests inside you, letting you get accustomed before he pulls out. he movements are slow, letting you feel each and every inch.

"you feel so good." he groans, placing his hands on your hips.

his deep voice just turns you on more; the slow movements are like torture, you needed more.

"please. please move faster." you almost beg, gripping his bicep for extra support.

he puts his arms under your legs to push them upwards, almost pinning them against you. he thrusts faster, deeper. leaning down, he kisses you, letting you wrap your hands around his neck to pull him closer. the kiss is mainly the two of you moaning into each others mouths.

he suddenly feels bold and picks you up off the desk and walks towards the glass, pressing you against it so he can thrust up into you. the cool glass against your warm skin feels amazing and the risk of potentially being seen, excites you.

he reaches deeper inside you in this position, hitting your g-spot with each stroke. you throw you head back, pleasure courses through every part of your body.

tony leans forward and places kissing on your exposed throat, making his way towards your sweet spot, sucking on the skin.

"i'm so close. tony, please."

your whining spurs him on. he wraps an arm around your waist to hold you up and uses his free hand to rub your clit. the added stimulation has your toes curling. his movements speed up, deep moans vibrate through his chest.

he knows your close, he can feel your cunt squeeze his cock, making it harder for him move.

"cum, baby. go ahead." he whispers, choking out a moan when his own release hits him.

this one is 10x more intense then the first one. your entire body goes stiff, you can't control the moans that leave your mouth as it washes over you.

tony rests his head against your shoulder as he fills you up. he's never had an orgasm this stronger before. he gently places you places you on the floor, legs wobbling when your feet meet the ground.

"stay here, let me grab some tissues." he says before rushing over to his desk.

you lean against the glass, still catch your breath from the orgasm you just had. he leans down to clean the mess between your legs, doing his best to get you as clean as possible.

you smile at him when he stands straight, appreciating that he took the time to clean you up. he picks up your clothes and helps you get dressed after just throwing on his pants and shirt.

"let me go get you some water." he says, leaving the office.

suddenly it's like your mind clears and you realize what just happened, a wave of guilt washes over you and you find yourself panicking.

the break room was on the other side of the floor so you step out of the office and quickly grab your things from your cubicle, rushing into the elevator so you could leave.

you made a huge mistake sleeping with your boss.

likes, reblogs, and feedback are highly appreciated! ੈ♡˳

#tony stark #tony stark oneshot #tony stark drabble #tony stark fanfic #tony stark fanfiction #tony stark x you #tony stark x fem reader #tony stark x reader #tony stark x y/n #tony stark smut #oneshot #drabble #fanfiction #smut #fanfic #y/n #tony stark fan fic #tony stark fic #CEO!tony stark

[musings-of-a-rose]

Jump Then Fall - Part 2

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc “Vanessa Morales”

Word Count: 5100+

Rating: M for mature - 18+ only!

Warnings: Please be aware there is an 11 year age gap. Mature themes and some canon mentioned. Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story.

Notes: This one doesn’t have any Javier, but I promise the rest of them will! When the story starts, Vanessa is 19 and Javier is 30.

**Shoutout to @vanemando15 for listening and bouncing ideas from me, for holding my hand, and for her guidance with being a Latina herself. Without her, this wouldn’t even be a thing, just another line on my WIP spreadsheet. And also to my husband, who is also Latino and answered any questions I had (along with taking me to Colombia back in 2014). And to @wyn-n-tonic, who listened to my rambles and insecurities about writing an oc in first person.

**If you want to be added to the taglist, join here or let me know!

❤If you enjoy the fic, please consider giving me a warm beverage! (It is not required in any way!)

Jump Then Fall Masterlist

General Masterlist

Javier Peña Masterlist

<<Part 1<<

The drive back to Corpus Christi was uneventful, although my thoughts were anything but. Memories of the night before kept flashing through my mind, the way he touched me, made me feel, the way his nose just barely skirted across my skin, the way he nipped at my chin. The care he gave me and how he took his time when he found out I was inexperienced, rather than running away. There was much more to Javier Peña than what was on the surface, one quick glance into his deep brown eyes was enough to convince me of that. Which made me sad, considering I’d never see him again. 

I blink and I’m in the driveway, putting the car into park. I have no memory of the drive here, which is slightly terrifying. But before I can think any more on that, my mother comes running out of the house, taking my face in her hands and saying a quick prayer in Spanish to bless my safe return before kissing me on both cheeks. It’s then she looks over my shoulder and realizes no one else is in the car with me.

“Did you drive alone, mija?”

Time to lie. “No. I dropped off some people just past Laredo.”

Her face relaxes. “Oh good. I’m glad you made friends.” She claps her hands together. “Come! Tell us all about your trip while you help me with dinner.”

I tell my parents all about my time in Mexico, how I not only taught English but helped to build the church and the school house, how I made some friends and how others got called to another mission.

“The university wants to talk to me tomorrow and talk about the summer. To see if they should continue the program.”

My dad smiles at me. “We are so proud of you, mi niña. Setting such a good example to others.”

“Speaking of good examples…Miguel is still single.”

“Mami!” I blush, heat rising up my cheeks at the mention of Miguel. She had been trying to get us together for years, but neither of us had feelings beyond friendship. 

She points at me. “Miguel es un buen muchacho [Miguel is a good boy]. When will you see that and go on a date with him? I want nietos already.”

I groan. “Mami! I’m not ready for kids right now.”

She looks at me, waving her hand. “No entiendo Vanessa [I don’t understand] . By your age, I was already engaged to your father.”

—-

My life settled back into its normal monotonous routine: class, job, home, sleep. Repeat. I never realized exactly how boring my life was until I had spent the summer in Mexico. 

More like, until I spent the night with Javier.

I wonder where he is now. Is he still on his business trip? It’s been just over a month since we had our…meet. I got the feeling he was going to be gone for a while and that he either wouldn’t or couldn’t talk about it. Maybe he’s a spy? I chuckle at the thought. Wherever he is, I hope he’s doing well. 

Based on my report, the university decides to repeat the program the following summer with new teachers and asks me to give a little seminar on what I did, what to expect, what to pack, and everything that I think they should know. I have to admit, it was nerve wracking getting up in front of everyone. I felt nauseous all day thinking about getting on that stage and talking. But everyone was interested and asked great questions, immediately putting me at ease. My professors thanked me for everything and said they’d be in touch with me about possibly returning the next summer. I’d never really thought about going back, but the thought is definitely tempting. 

And maybe I can stop in Laredo on the way back. No, Vanessa. It was a one time thing. You’re probably making up the connection you felt. There’s no way he felt anything for you. 

—-

A couple months later, my mom calls me down to the kitchen where she’s gathering up her purse, a paper list in her hand. 

“Do you need anything from the store, mija?” 

“I don’t think so. Just….maybe no pork? I can’t stand the smell of it now.”

My mom chuckles. “Mexico really changed you. Carnitas used to be your favorite.”

Even just the thought of pork, which I hadn’t had the entire time I was in Mexico, made my stomach churn. 

“I guess I just got used to not eating it a few times a week.”

She nods and then looks around. Spotting no one, she leans in close to me and nearly whispers. “Do you need more…lady things?”

I furrow my eyebrows together. What is she - oh. My mom was always sort of embarrassed by periods, and so, if she had to talk about it, she would always whisper, afraid anyone would hear her talk about something that is experienced by arguably more than half the planet. 

“Uh, no. I don’t think so?”

“You haven’t gotten any more since Mexico. Do you still have some?”

“Uh…let me check.”

I go upstairs and into my bathroom, kneeling to open the under the sink cabinet. I shuffle some things around and grab the boxes of pads I had put back when I returned from Mexico. There’s a bunch left, almost as if I hadn’t used any since I got back.

Had I used any since I got back?

I close the doors and head back to my mom, telling her I was still good with pads. She looks slightly relieved at not having to traverse the feminine hygiene isle, giving me a small smile and squeezing my shoulder. 

“When I get back, I’ll need help with dinner.”

I don’t mind helping with dinner, as I do like to eat, but I wish she’d stop asking me about Miguel. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that Miguel was now dating Maria - they just weren’t telling anyone yet. I wasn’t supposed to know either, but I went into the church storeroom one day to grab a few extra Bibles and I saw them making out. Which immediately made me think of Javier, the place between my thighs tingling at the mere thought of his name. I wish I knew more about him- no, Vanessa. Don’t go down that path any more.

“...you invite Miguel over after church?”

“Hhmm?” I hadn’t been listening to anything my mom had been saying.

“Miguel. Why don’t we invite him to our after church lunch?”

“Uh..no. Miguel won’t want to do that.”

She looks at me out of the corner of her eye as she continues chopping.. “And why not? You are a beautiful girl, smart. You would have good babies-”

“He’s already with Maria, mom.”

She stops chopping and looks at me. “Maria?”

“Delgado.”

“Ay. That girl is bad news.”

“Miguel seems to like her.”

“Ah, well..men can be blind.”

—-

“We’re going to be late, mija! Hurry up!”

“Just a minute!” I yell, desperately trying to zip up my church dress. 

I wear this one often but it had been a few weeks and for some reason, the zipper won’t budge. I let out a puff of air in frustration, yanking the dress back down my body. Now that the dress is off my body, I look at the zipper, seeing no fabric stuck in it. I try to zip it closed and it glides easily up. 

“Oh sure. Now you want to zip.”

I toss it on my bed, turning back towards my closet when I catch sight of myself in the mirror. I stand there in my bra and underwear, looking at my body. Did I…did I gain weight? I haven’t changed my eating. If anything, I’ve been eating less. I turn to the side, my hands gliding over the skin on my lower stomach. I can see a small pooch there and I grunt in confusion. How did I gain weight if I’ve been avoiding so much food? 

“Vanessa!”

I poke my head out of my door. “I’m not feeling well, mom. I’m going to stay home.”

She pauses. “You shouldn’t miss church.”

“I don’t want to get everyone sick.”

She pauses again and I swear I can hear her nod. “Ok. We will be back after lunch. I’ll bring you back some soup.”

“Thanks, mom.”

I hear the door downstairs close, the car pulling out of the driveway and driving off down the road. I wait about 15 minutes before I pull on whatever clothes I can find that fit me, grabbing my wallet and keys before getting in my car. I have to get some stomach medicine or something. I head to the pharmacy, thankful that the people I know who work here are all at church. I don’t want anyone to see me buying medicine to stop me throwing up my insides. I scan the rows of bottles for the ones for upset stomach. I grab one, flipping the box over for directions, my lips moving with the words as I read them.

“.....as long as symptoms persist. If symptoms worsen or do not improve after 3 days, call your doctor right away. Do not use if pregnant or breastfeeding. May cause interactions with certain medications…”

I freeze, my eyes rewinding the words I just read.

“Do not use if pregnant or breastfeeding….pregnant…pregnant…”

My brain kicks into high gear, and I stare at the bottle, not really seeing it. The boxes of pads that were sitting unused from my time in Mexico still sit unused under my sink. My aversion to foods I normally loved. The fact I can only keep about half of my food down. The weight gain despite this. My lower belly…my hand instinctively comes up to my belly, placing my hand there for a moment as panic starts to set in.

Could I be…no. Javier used a condom. He showed me as he did it. That’s supposed to prevent…prevent…

I grip the bottle of medicine in my hand, knuckles going white. Slowly, I turn and head out of the isle, looking for the one with the women’s products. I turn it down, grateful that it’s empty. I stand in front of the pads, pretending I’m looking for some while my eyes scan down the rows of pregnancy tests. It’s all overwhelming and I can feel the panic rising rapidly in my body. I quickly grab a box at random, hiding it under my arm as I make my way up to the register. No one is in line and I don’t know the cashier. I place the bottle of medicine and the pregnancy test on the counter, looking around nervously for anyone I may know. If the cashier thought anything of my purchase, they didn’t show it, scanning the items and quickly placing them in a bag as I handed them cash. 

When I get home, I run upstairs, locking my bathroom door behind me just in case my parents come back early. My parents. What am I going to say to them? One step at a time, Vanessa. You may just have some weird stomach thing. I take a breath and open the bag, setting the bottle down on the counter and pulling out the small box of pregnancy tests. I throw up once more before opening the box and pulling out the directions, reading them several times through tear blurred vision. I somehow manage to pee on the stick, setting it aside and looking at my watch to check the time. 

This has got to be the slowest 3 minutes of my life. 

When I check my watch and it’s finally time, I take a deep breath before…taking another deep breath. And then I flip the test over. 2 bright pink lines stare up at me and I hold the stick against the directions comparing them. Double lines means pregnant. Pregnant. I’m pregnant. 

I drop the stick, sinking down to the floor as I put my back against the wall. How am I pregnant? I only ever had sex with Javier and that was only one time. And he wore one of those condoms. Aren’t they supposed to stop people from having babies? Wait, if I’ve been pregnant since then, I’m like 3 months along. I should be making a doctor’s appointment. What doctor can I go to that doesn’t know my parents? 

My parents.

There’s no way I’m going to be able to hide a baby from them. How do I explain it? Hey mom, dad. I met a stranger in Laredo and we had sex and now I’m pregnant even though he wore a condom. 

What do I do?

—--

I spent the next 2 weeks trying to figure out what I was going to do. I wasn’t sure how my parents would react, considering they did want grandkids. But there’s no way they’re going to approve of this baby. In case of the worst, I start gathering up little things here and there - a few random pieces of clothes, the toiletry kit I had brought to Mexico, some little trinkets. I managed to sneak them down to my car, leaving them in the trunk in case I had to leave quickly. I really hope it didn’t come to that. But when I could no longer zip up my favorite pair of pants, I knew I had to tell them. 

We all sit down to dinner, mom passing out plates and filling my papá’s plate with a large portion of food. Once everyone is settled, and grace is said, I clear my throat, my mom glancing up at me as she picks up her fork. 

“I uh…I have to tell you something.”

My papá spears some food on his fork and takes a bite, chewing as he turns his head towards me, a questioning look on his face. 

“Did that Miguel finally get rid of Maria?” My mom asks.

“What? No. I don’t know? That’s not-”

“I knew that girl was trouble. Always showing off in choir. You know, her mom said she got some fancy scholarship to a music school, but here she is, still here. I wonder why-”

“Mami. I need to say something.”

“-why she’s still here? She probably stayed for that boy. Maybe it’s good-”

“MAMI!”

“-good that Miguel didn’t ask Vanessa out. Maybe he’s no good-”

“I’m pregnant.”

Silence. You could hear the grass growing outside it’s so quiet. My parents stare at me, the fork halfway to my papá’s open mouth. 

“What?” My mom asks.

I hesitate a moment. “I’m…I’m pregnant.”

“That’s not funny, Vanessa. Don’t you joke about something like this. You know I don’t like the humor you young people think is funny.”

I look down at my plate before looking back at her. “I’m not…I’m not joking.”

Silence again. No movement. But I can feel the disappointment, the anger building in them.

“I’m about…3 months? I think?”

Still silence.

“I only just found out.” I cast my eyes down, looking at my plate of untouched food and realize that half of it I actually want to eat, while the other half makes me want to run to the bathroom. 

“Salga [Get out].” He says it quietly, but his tone has layers of anger, hurt, and disappointment all trying to bubble out.

I look up, surprised that it’s my papi saying it. 

“What?”

“Salga. Yo no te quiero en esta casa. [Get out. You are no longer welcome in this house].”

“But papi-”

“Don’t! Largarte!  Now.”

I glance at my mom, who has tears in her eyes. She gives me a look of utter disgust and looks away from me, showing her support of her husband’s decision. 

I stand, pushing the chair away from the table. “Can I just grab some thing-”

“You should have thought of that before you opened yourself up for a man. What were you thinking? You are no longer a daughter of mine!”

My papi’s words slice through me like butter, stabbing me so hard that tears start to fall before I even know they’re there. I walk to the front door, pausing only to put on my shoes before getting in my car and driving about a block before I sit at the stop sign. I knew deep down this may be their reaction, which is why I started packing my trunk. But it still hurts. I need my parents right now, but…

Where do I go?

I turn left, driving a few blocks to knock on my friend Ximena’s door. But instead of my friend, her mom comes to the door, a stern look on her face as she shoos me away, telling me I’m not welcome in their home. I’m met with the same reaction at the next 3 places I go and I realize that my parents must have called everyone we knew to tell them not to let me in, that I had done something so terrible. I doubt they told anyone the truth, that their only child was unwed, single, and pregnant, but our church community is so strong, they apparently didn’t need more than my parent’s word to kick me out. 

I stop at a little diner across town, a burger actually sounding really good to me. As I eat, I think about what to do next. It’s getting late, and while I could rent a hotel room, I won’t have enough money to do that for very long. I have no friends left in Corpus Christi, that much is clear. So…where do I go? As I eat and let the tears fall, I think about that night, about Javier. And I realize, there’s only one place left for me to go, even if it’s just until I get on my feet. I finish eating, leaving money on the table for the bill and tip, and head out to my car. It’s a 4 hour drive there, which I can’t do in the dead of night. I drive to the highway and find the closest motel, getting a room for the night that I can cry myself to sleep in.

—----

The next day, I start the drive to Laredo, oddly calm considering the situation. I can do this next step - get to Laredo. I’ll ask around for Javier and see if anyone knows where he lives. I don’t expect anything from him, and I’ll tell him as much. But I would appreciate a place to stay while I figure out where to go next. 

After a few bathroom stops, I finally make it to Laredo, finding the bar I had met Javier in that night. It’s not open for a few hours, so I take that time to have some lunch and a short nap in my car, waking to the sound of the main door closing. I walk up to it and push it open, walking inside. The bartender is cleaning down the bar, getting things set up for the rush in a few hours.

“Excuse me?”

He turns to me, wiping out the glass in his hand.  “Yes, ma’am?”

“I’m looking for a Javier Peña? He’s about this tall-”

The bartender chuckles. “I know Javier. Haven’t seen him in a bit though.”

“Oh.”

The bartender seems to sense my despair and he sets the now clean glass down. “Look, his dad lives on a farm just outside of town. I’ll give you the address and maybe he can tell you where Javier is.” He scribbles down an address on a napkin and hands it to me, giving me a small smile. 

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

—-

I pull up to the Peña farm about 40 minutes later, after the bartender had given me some general directions. It’s not a large farm but it’s not small either, and I think I can see a river in the far distance. I park in front of the farmhouse and get out, smoothing out my dress before walking to the front door and knocking. At first, no one answers. But then I hear clanging coming from the barn around back, so I head in that direction, poking my head just inside the barn door.

“Excuse me?”

The man in the barn stops hammering and turns quickly to look at me, hammer slightly raised in defense. He’s older, a nearly all white mustache with matching hair poking out from under a white cowboy hat, glasses poised on the edge of his nose. His eyes remind me of Javier’s and I realize this must be his dad. 

“You must have taken a wrong turn, señorita. Town is several miles that way.” He points and I give him a small smile.

“Actually…are you señor Peña?”

He studies me for a moment. “Depends. Which Peña are you looking for?”

“Javier’s papá?”

He looks at me, trying to figure out why I would be here talking to him. “He’s not here.”

“Not back from his business trip?”

He shakes his head. “No.”

“Any idea when he will be back?

“No. Probably not anytime soon.”

I nod, my face falling slightly. 

“Can I help you with anything?”

“I uh…I’m not sure. Maybe this was a stupid idea.”

I turn to leave, willing the tears that had been building in my eyes to not fall.

“Wait.”

I stop, looking up at the older Peña. His eyes glance down towards my belly, where I had unconsciously placed my hand. A look of realization washes over him and his kind eyes meet mine, an odd expression in them.

“How old are you?”

“N..nineteen.”

He swears, glancing up at the ceiling before back at me, a hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck. “He’s the father?”

I nod, looking down at the dirt covered floor.

“You’re sure?”

I blus, not able to meet his gaze. “He’s the only one I..I’ve ever…”

He puts his hand up. “Ok ok. I understand.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out. “Are you hungry?”

That was not what I was expecting. “Oh I…I don’t expect anything.”

He smiles and it reaches his eyes, instantly calming me. “You’re not an inconvenience, you’re the mother of my only grandchild. Come.”

He waves his hand for me to follow him, placing the hammer down on his workbench before we head to the main house. It’s a 2 story farm house, sparsley decorated with furniture that he most likely got when Javier was born. It’s worn but well loved and I instantly feel a sense of safety, despite never having been here. He leads me into the kitchen and has me sit at the little island bar while he makes me a simple sandwich, asking me what I’m not eating and what is safe. He slides me a glass or orange juice, saying it was fresh squeezed and good for the vitamin c. I take it, thanking him while I try not to inhale the food, not having eaten in several hours. Chucho clears his throat and I swallow the last bite of my sandwich, looking at him as I take a sip of the juice.

“Did you tell him?”

I set the glass down, spinning it counterclockwise for a moment. “No. I only found out a couple of weeks ago.”

He nods. “How far along?”

“Around 3 and a half months?”

“Have you been to a doctor?”

I shake my head. “Like I said, I only found out a couple weeks ago and my parents kicked me out when they found out so…”

He swears under his breath. “We need to get you to a doctor.”

“I don’t have the money for that. I don’t have the money for anything. Oh God, I don’t have money! How am I going to…to…”

Tears start flowing out of nowhere, uncontrollable as I sob at this man’s table. Chucho comes to stand next to me, turning my body to hug me as he lets me sob into his shirt. He makes calming sounds, telling me everything will be fine. That I’m not alone. 

“But…but I am alone, Chucho.”

“Not anymore. You have me.”

I look up at him, blinking away the last of my tears. “Oh no, I couldn’t-”

“What did I say earlier? You’re the mother of my only grandchild. Can I assume you have nowhere to stay?”

“I’m ok in my car.”

He gives me a stern look. “That won’t do. You’ll take one of the rooms here.”

I shake my head, starting to wave him off. “Oh, I couldn’t-”

“You can. What you can’t do is live in your car pregnant and with a baby.”

He feels fatherly, warm and safe and I can feel the tears coming on again so I nod, accepting the help that I desperately need. “Th-thank you. I promise I’ll earn my keep.”

He shakes his head. “There’s no need-”

“Please. Let me at least clean and cook? My mami taught me how and I can make really good food.”

“It’s not necessary-”

“Please let me do this?”

He studies me for several long moments. “Alright. But when you’re near your time, you’re going to rest, understand?”

I nod, smiling slightly. “Thank you, Chucho.” I take another sip of my juice while he takes a swig of his beer, the sound of the ticking clock loud in the silence of the house.

“You said Javier won’t be back anytime soon. Can I ask what he does?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

I blush. “Oh, well we uh..didn’t really…he didn’t-”

“Ay I don’t need to know,” he chuckles. “But Javier is in Colombia, working hard to take down Pablo Escobar.”

I spit out my juice, apologizing profusely as I try to dry it up with a paper towel. “He’s what?”

“Yeah. DEA. So when I said it won’t be anytime soon…”

“Was he happy to go?”

“He definitely saw it as a promotion, a chance to go and prove himself.”

I knew about Pablo Escobar of course, but to hear that my Javier- no, not my Javier. Just Javier - was trying to catch him? That is impressive.

“He doesn’t call often, but next time he does, you can tell him about the baby-”

“No!”

Chucho looks at me, straightening himself up and squaring his shoulders. “No?”

I take a breath. “I know I only spent a….little time with Javier, but he seems like the guy to try and be honorable?” Chucho shrugs and nods. “Then I can’t tell him.”

“Why?”

“Because if I do, he’ll come home. And then he will resent us. I can take it, but the baby? I can’t do that to my child. He will resent us both for bringing him home from this huge career move. We are only 2 people. The entire world needs him. Plus, what if....what if he doesn't come back?”

Chucho’s eyes are hard as he processes what I’ve said. “You’re right about Javi, but I still think you should tell him. He deserves to know.”

“I’ll tell him. I will. When he catches Escobar.”

“That could be years, Vanessa.”

I nod. “I know. And I take full responsibility.”

“That you are.”

—----

Chucho holds true to his word, inviting me to live in his home. I cook and clean for him and, even though he grumbles about it, I see him coming to dinner on time more and more, being able to rest after a long day on the farm as opposed to cleaning. As we eat, he tells me more about Javier, his childhood and the man he grew to become. What I don’t tell Chucho is that with every story, even the bad ones, I fall a little harder for his son.

He also works out a deal with a doctor in town so I can get OB care until I can get insurance. One day, he comes home from church with a crib and several boxes of baby stuff, saying the women in his church donated their old baby things to me (he’d told them I was his new live in maid, a young girl who was recently single. Not an exact lie, but they all assumed the man either left me or I was widowed, which made them open their hearts a little more to me). 

He made me stop working so hard around 33 weeks, saying I should’ve stopped sooner. He insists I rest and relax, feed into my nesting instinct. He had cleaned out one of the other rooms to make nursery, putting the crib in there but pulling out an old bassinet from the attic, telling me it was Javier’s. 

Chucho is there holding my hand when I go into labor and is there when my son is born. Javier Alexander Morales Peña came screaming into the world, just as every bit as stubborn as his dad, according to Chucho anyway. Tears well up in his eyes when he holds Alex for the first time, telling him how handsome and strong he is. That he’s truly a Peña man. 

When Alex turns 2, Chucho demands that I go back to school, as I was only a year away from getting my degree in education. He watches Alex at night while I go to school and, a year later, I graduate with my degree, landing a job that coming school year at Laredo Elementary, which gives Alex, who will be 4 soon after, a slot in their pre-k program. 

As Alex grows, he asks about his dad. I decided to tell him the truth - that his dad is a hero, trying to catch a very bad man in another country and that he can’t come back until he does. That the world won’t be safe until the bad man is caught. Alex accepts this and makes up stories about his dad, flying around with a cape and fighting off bad guys to give us all a better world. 

One summer afternoon a couple years later, Alex had just gone off to camp for a couple of weeks. He’s 6 now and “a big boy”, so he begged to go off to a science camp with his friends for a few weeks. It was hard to not have him around, but I knew he was having a great time. I’m elbow deep in sink water, washing the pans from breakfast when the phone rings. Chucho picks it up upstairs after a couple rings and when he doesn’t call for me, I know it’s for him. I finish with the last pan, setting it off to side, sliding my rubber gloves off and reaching for the drying towel. I pick up the pan, drying it off when I hear Chucho coming downstairs. He walks into the kitchen and stands there for a moment watching me.

“Chucho? You ok?”

“I uh…I’m going to the airport.”

“Chucho…Are you finally taking a vacation?”

He gives me a small smile before it leaves his face. “Actually, I’m going to pick up Javier.”

—----

>>Part 3>>

General Taglist:

@frankie-catfish-morales @chaoticgeminate @janebby @astoryisaloveaffair @balekanemohafe @greeneyedblondie44 @hoeforthefictional @marvelousmermaid @hauntedmama @giuliarogers-blog @icanbeyourjedi @wretchedmo @sunnshineeexoxo @livingmydreams13 @adventures-of-a-noodle @sara-alonso @theewokingdead @punkerthanpascal @giggly-otter @f0rever15elf @phandoz @dirtytissuebox @gallowsjoker @lovesbiggerthanpride @sarahmilesbendrix @booksarekindaneat @mrsudontknowme @swol-bear @charlispersonallyhell @xoxabs88xox @amneris21 @gooddaykate @alindeluce @avengers-fixation @paintballkid711 @harriedandharassed   @ladykatakuri @marrianena  @practicalghost @withakindheartx @batdarkladyvampir @justanotherkpopstanlol   @mermaidxatxheart @alexxavicry @ichigodjarin @justreblogginfics

#javi peña #javier peña #javier pena x reader #javier pena x you #javier pena x f!reader #javier pena x female reader #javier pena #javi pena #narcos #javier pena fanfic #javier pena fan fic #javier pena ff #pedro pascal #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal character ff #pedro pascal characters #narcos fic #narcos fanfiction #pedro pascal fic #javijueves #pedropascal #pedropascaledit #pedro pascal fanfic

[happyk44]

Look. I know that like. Pluto is not the god of business and that wealth is not equivalent to business but like 1) the meaning of wealth has changed over time and differs among people and I'm pretty sure now when you think of wealth and wealthy people, you think of people who own fortune 500 companies and know what stocks are, and 2) I love the concept of tired businessman Hades/Pluto who just wants to spend a quiet day with his spreadsheets and a pencil, and not have to deal with whatever nonsense is currently being drummed up by his employees

Anyway -- Nico's wealth being generational due to his grandfather (and I want to assume that politics was a family thing so likely also before him) vs Hazel's wealth being hard earned, which, at least in the current age, means business know-how and being able to file a tax report and reconcile a balance sheet sheet and understand excel (I might be slightly projecting here lol)

Hazel being almost an obsessive accountant, monitoring bills, income, every single expense and penny off the street vs Nico who knows the value of things, like antiques, stuff with history. He can do surveys of property, anything that has the potential to be passed on. He's good with valuing a will - splitting assets between family members. Or managing a trust, devising different funds for the future. I think he's probably very good at looking at the long-term. And thus pretty good at noticing when someone is scamming another person with the whole "it'll be cheaper in the long run" thing, or "it'll increase in worth over time".

And since generational wealth is mostly familial, I don't think all of it has to be specific to monetary value either. Emotional wealth, the value something carries emotionally, is also something he can sense. A cheap wedding ring passed down from generation to generation could be more valuable than a standard cut diamond bought today.

Like he could look at old vase on sale at Goodwill for $2 and know it's monetarily cheap, but emotionally it's valued in the thousands. I think it could be kind of cool for things that carry high emotional value and were a part of a family's lineage for generations, if he could touch them and see the history behind it - but that doesn't really fit in with the scope of his current powers or the general theme of the Underworld so :/

They're both good at investments as investing is kind of the core of wealth management and plays a big part in building generational wealth these days, although, I'd gather that Hazel is probably better at it.

Nico, however, is very good at being able to calculate future value of a long-term investment (at least 20+ years).

Hazel can calculate future value of any kind of investment - short term fixed deposits, long and short-term investments, property changes (she absolutely hates house flippers, especially when they change or cover all the older original work, because it cuts the value down so much more than they realize), other stuff that has slipped my mind because my brain is stalling, etc.

Hazel's your go-to for reviewing the split of assets during a divorce. She's extremely meticulous and can track down even the most hidden of accounts. She's also the one you want to talk to about getting the most out of filing your taxes. She will go through every single one of your purchases, no matter how minor, to find a loophole she can work with to shave even only a couple cents off.

(disclaimer: bermuda does not have income tax so i have no idea how filing taxes actually works, other than the two canadian tax classes i took over five years ago as part of my degree)

Hazel can also assess depreciation somewhat automatically. Someone trying to choose between types of equipment can go to her and be like "which one will depreciate in value faster if I do X with it" and she'll look and point and if you ask her why, she can sprout off some nonsense at the top of her head without thinking - like percy with sailing, or my hc about jason/thalia and their inherent diplomatic schmoozing skills.

However, unlike them, she maintains understanding of what she's said when she's exited the environment, either because the power just does that or because Hazel is an amazing busy lady. if you casually said "hey hazel, between X brand and Y brand, which will drop in value faster" she'd have to think about it because it's not really "business" related.

In that sense she's also REALLY good at noticing trends. most of it is subconscious - what brands are becoming more popular, what clothing styles are losing touch. I put this in a previous fic, but she's very receptive gemstone trends. She can tell which stones are moving up in popularity and which are going down. In my headcanon about her business with Walt, this is very useful.

Her ability to notice trends, especially from a monetary standpoint, also helps with her managing stocks, and allows her to invest in high interest but riskier equities with very minimal loss (trends aren't set in stone, you know? Sometimes things happen and everything sudsenly shifts)

Plus back to the whole wealth is conflated with succesful business these days concept, putting Hazel in charge for just a day can boost a business's ability to turn a profit. In just a few hours, she can have all major flaws analyzed.

In New Rome, if someone is opening up a shop or whatever, they'll ask Hazel to review their plans because she can immediately point out all the issues and devise a better way to go about things. A couple times she's just taken them gently by the shoulders and said in the kindest voice ever, "This is going to fail. Do not put money into this." Sometimes it's the business concept, sometimes it's the person behind the concept. They either listen or they don't and if they don't, Frank is there to listen to all her complaints about them going against her advice.

Also - as an U-turn back to the splitting assets in a divorce concept, I'm not sure about pre or post-nuptial agreements. I think pre-nuptials are pretty straightforward in a "this is what im bringing in and want to keep separate from marriage" kind of thing, which Hazel could handle easily. I know in both cases it's important to declare all assets - which again Hazel could easily handle.

Post-nuptials are probably more of Nico's thing because at that point the assets in question have become merged and become familial, and much of generational wealth is in the idea of building wealth to leave behind to your family so they may have a better opportunity to build wealth to leave behind, etc, etc. Especially since post-nuptials, I think, are typically created after children are born, and those are the people who wealth is supposed to be left behind to.

This also kind of plays with my idea that the underworld is inherently familial/communal - as a person cannot bury or perform the proper funeral rites on themselves. Plus the Cocytus is the river of lamentation (aka grief and sorrow) and I imagine some of that comes from the people left behind, crying over their lost loved ones.

Also I think the idea that children of Pluto are resistant/immune to monetary greed. Since Hades was never technically the god of wealth, and was only conflated with him over time (to which, I would imagine some things and behaviours began to pop up, like they'd always existed and then becoming Pluto in the Roman era just solidified that conflation), his kids don't really have this innate resilience, but their dad is also rich and loves them, so their ability to fall prey to it is lower.

Oh! Oh! And Hazel can inflict plutomania on people, which is a word I discovered just now that means "the excessive desire for wealth". I don't know how this would be helpful but idk - social wealth is something I found popping up a lot so maybe if Hazel needs information on something that a person won't give, she can utilize plutomania to inflict a desire for social wealth in the person to get them to spill the information

(Social Wealth is about connection and network, having a sense of belonging and trust essentially. Someone with a lot of social wealth will have a lot of connections versus someone with no social wealth)

(oh yeah in my hasty google search to fact check my understanding of generational wealth when I started this post yesterday, I discovered there are many types of wealth. The number kind of varies from result to result, but essentially the 4 mains ones are: Financial Wealth (obvi), Social Wealth, Time Wealth, and Health Wealth (haha, it rhymes). But anyway yeah. Not sure how it could all loop into her without making her too all powerful but like. Hazel is also super cool and deserves to be godlike in consideration so 🤷‍♂️)

I love that when I started this yesterday it was a lot more clear cut and then I came back to finish it and ended on a ramble 😂 I do not have the energy to go and tidy everything up into something more coherent and uniform so this is what it be 👍

Oh, also, Hazel is amazing at gambling and poker. Nico is also good at poker but that's because he's reading people's souls to figure out their tells. Hazel is good at it because she attracts cash money and therefore always wins. That's why whenever anyone plays poker or places a bet with her, money can't be involved.

#happy talks pjo #nico di angelo #hazel levesque

[starseungs]

➳ up all night. skz

 ೃ࿔₊• pairing | skz ot8 x gn!reader

staying up to finish a project doesn't always go well. luckily, you have someone to make it all alright.

 ೃ࿔₊• genre | fluff, humor, kinda college au, boyfriend!skz — 0.2k words (per member)

 ೃ࿔₊• warnings | some sleep deprived actions,, if thats a warning

 ೃ࿔₊• note | its been a while since i posted smth here, so here's one? finally? idk 😭 anw i hope yall enjoy even if its kinda short!

⌗ bang chan !

"That's it, you're sleeping."

You look up from your blinding laptop screen to the sight of Chan crossing his arms, eyes heavy with disapproval. Blinking sluggishly, you managed a tired smile to be pasted on your fatigued face.

"It's fine," you waved him off lightly, immediately gluing your eyes back to the device in front of you. "I'm fine."

"Love, I highly doubt that." he replied, an exasperated sigh filling the room. You lightly glared at him in an attempt to prove your point.

"What do you know?" you grumbled instinctively as a response. Chan looked at you with utter disbelief, his eyes widening almost comically.

"Are you really asking me that? Out of all people?"

Oh. He got you there. Chan himself didn’t exactly have the best relationship with sleep—you often found yourself on the worrying side when it comes to his well-being. And yet here you were making him do the same thing.

Realizing this is a rare situation, you decided to use it to your advantage. With newfound speed, you quickly saved your work before slamming the laptop shut, practically jumping on the bed to make yourself comfortable in record time.

"I want hugs," you mumbled softly, directing your attention back to your confused boyfriend. Chan laughed at your actions, seeming to finally catch on to the plan you formed on a whim. With an amused shake of the head, he walked towards the bed as well.

"Yes, your highness!"

⌗ lee know !

"Damn," you heard a groggy voice drawl out across the room, informing you that your grumpy boyfriend had awoken. "How are you still awake?"

It's been hours since you started this paper, back when the sun was still up. You're very much aware of how much time has actually passed—especially since Minho has been asleep for quite a while now too. But you've made it this far, right? A few more should be fine.

"Nevermind that. How did you even sleep with my constant keyboard smashing?" You didn't even have to look at him to know Minho was probably silently mocking you for changing the subject.

There was a sound of sheets rustling before he finally graced you with a reply, "It's like ASMR."

"Well," you yawned, turning a bit to get a glimpse of his form melting into the fluffy bed. "At least one of us gets to sleep tonight."

Minho suddenly props up, giving you that boyish grin you love so much, effectively melting your tense state ever so slightly. "May I interest you in swapping places?"

You raised an eyebrow. "You want to write a research paper?" 

"Do you?" 

Silence echoed through the walls, each second amplifying your regret for pulling an all-nighter. You stared at Minho in shame, not wanting to shatter your pride out loud at the most ungodly of hours.

"Exactly. Now, come here and sleep."

⌗ changbin !

"Hey," you started with a dazed sound in your voice, the sudden noise startling Changbin next to you. "Spreadsheets are kind of like cut brownies."

He sat up at lightning speed, looking at you in massive concern. You only returned the gaze, turning the situation into an impromptu staring contest that ended with Changbin letting out a confused sound. "I'm sorry. Come again?"

Does he not see it? The cells are exactly like pieces of brownie, rectangular and all. Maybe the comparison was brought up due to your hazy state, but you could see it. You were determined to prove that the prolonged hours of you being awake weren't affecting you in the slightest.

"But like, they're white." you continued with the chosen one-sided conversation topic. "Do white chocolate brownies exist?"

"Oh, good question. Let me ask Felix—wait no, turn your laptop off!" your boyfriend complained, albeit still at a loss for words.

"I have to finish this though?"

Changbin groaned, finally getting a sense that you were not entirely conscious at the moment. "Babe, you don't even like brownies."

"What?"

Your boyfriend sighed, reaching out to cup your face with firm hands. It was when you felt your cheeks encounter a steady warmth that you realized just how sleepy you were. Changbin smugly grinned at the sight of you yawning, glancing at the laptop seated above the sheets with a conflicted expression. Finally making up your mind, you left the comfort of his hold to reach for the abandoned device.

"Just let me save my progress..."

⌗ hyunjin !

"What's a good research design?"

Hyunjin looked up from the small corner he positioned himself in, moving his attention to your slouching form near your messy desk littered with opened books, notebooks, and just... paper. You were staring blankly at the computer screen, looking like you had all the soul sucked out of you.

"I don't know," he shrugged, despite you not looking at him directly. "Maybe leaves as the borders?"

You side-eyed him, trying to see if he was being serious about the recommendation. "Did you really just say that?"

Hyunjin whined at your judging reaction. "Leave me alone! I'm trying to meditate," he grumbled, feeling annoyed all of a sudden. "And you asked for my input."

"And by meditate, you mean paint." You chuckled, deeply endeared by his sulking.

"It's my zone," Hyunjin pointed the paintbrush he was holding towards you, waving it around like a wand for more effect. "Focus on your bland white document file." You snorted at his comment.

"I can't even defend that."

The clock on your screen informed you of the time, almost scolding you for being awake at such an hour. It's not like you completely regretted your choice—your paper wasn't going to write itself, but damn you were sleepy. You noticed that your own boyfriend was also barely holding himself up, his eyes turning a bit unfocused at times. Clearing your throat, you decided to get his attention one more time.

"Should—should we just sleep?"

⌗ han !

"This is so stressful." you complained through gritted teeth, mentally restraining yourself from the urge to completely destroy your laptop.

Jisung hummed from somewhere in the background. "You alright?"

"No," you spat out venomously, trying to let the source of your frustrations, a document file, know that you were not happy with it at all. "I want to slam this laptop against the wall."

"Woah, that got violent real quick." he chuckled nervously, approaching you quickly in hopes of calming you down.

You took a deep breath. "I need a soothing playlist or something."

"And that's my cue!" Jisung squealed excitedly, speeding away to grab his phone and connect it to a speaker. "Got what you need, babe."

There was a short silence filled with your curiosity as you waited for Jisung to start playing a song. You found his enthusiasm contagious, getting you to smile softly. It was all nice and peaceful until a familiar tune entered your ears.

Is that twinkle, twinkle, little star?

You blanked at him, watching his eyebrows wiggle playfully; the action being so annoyingly endearing that you had no choice but to laugh, spreading the warmth you felt with Jisung's actions all throughout your system. Your boyfriend decided to make himself comfortable on the bed, spreading his arms wide open as an invitation. You rolled your eyes playfully. Now who could resist that?

"Scoot over, you menace."

⌗ felix !

"Is this a bribe?" You questioned your boyfriend, who was smiling oh-so-suspiciously in the midst of handing you a plate of freshly baked cookies. Felix shrugged, acting all nonchalant about the situation.

"Depends. Is it working?"

"Perhaps," you squint at him as you take the plate from his grasp. "But I need to finish this, Lix."

He only nodded in understanding. "You can finish the cookies at the same time too. Do you want hot chocolate or milk with it?"

Even though you were still confused and skeptical, you didn't want to disregard Felix's efforts. This was most likely his way of giving you support—that or he was just desperate to tuck you to bed already. Or maybe both. That also sounds just like something he would do.

"Coffee, please," you sighed, giving in to his advances. He visibly deflates at your choice of beverage, an action you catch on to quickly, cementing his reason for all this in your head. You took a bite of a cookie, amused at his reaction.

"How are you so obvious?"

Felix pouted at your words, feeling called out. "I am a man on a mission."

"Well, consider it mission accomplished," you said, standing up to give him a small peck on the cheek as a way of rewarding him. "Just give me a few more minutes."

Sitting back down, you left Felix frozen in place, still trying to process what you had just done. When his brain finally caught up, he almost jumped in happiness, making you smile as well.

"I knew my baking had magic!"

⌗ seungmin !

"Dude," you monotonously start, staring at Seungmin lying down all comfortably while mindlessly scrolling on his phone. "I want to be you so badly right now."

Your boyfriend freezes dramatically—his head snapping to look at you the next second. "Did you really just dude me? At two in the morning?" He gasps, his face reflecting how offended he was at the way you referred to him. You playfully scoff at his reaction.

This project proposal really had you on the verge of just quitting. The night was chilly, and you wanted nothing more than to cuddle in bed and sleep to your heart's content. Unfortunately, you were stuck at your desk trying to finish what was left of the darn thing.

"If you had to sacrifice sleep for a project you don't even like, you would too."

"But I'm babe…" Seungmin sulks, sinking deeper into the fluffy bed sheets. "Am I even still your boyfriend?"

Turning your back to him, you reached for the computer's keyboard once again. "Yes, of course. My honeybunch, sugarplum, pumpy-umpy-umpkin—"

"Okay, that's overkill," you softly laughed at Seungmin's quick retort. 

"And I'm overkilled."

Your boyfriend only hums at the statement. There was a silence that followed his simple response, making you groan at the reminder that you had something else to do other than chat with Seungmin. But just when you were about to get into work mode, you felt firm arms wrap around your waist as well as a sudden weight on your shoulder.

"Just sleep already. I'll help you with that tomorrow."

⌗ i.n !

"I seriously don't understand how you still have the brain cells to do that at this hour." Jeongin stares at you from the bed, greatly impressed by your determination to stay up for so long. 

"Thank you," was your reply, continuing to type away on the keyboard. "I try hard."

"But at what cost?"

"Why are you trying to make this conversation into a drama all of a sudden?" You asked, swiveling the chair around to face him, your face filled with questioning.

"I'm bored," Jeongin simply admits. "And sleepy."

You sigh, now feeling guilty for making him wait this long. He must be exhausted too, seeing as it was already around three in the morning. "Jeongin, you don't have to stay up, you know?"

He clicked his tongue in distaste. "Then risk you passing out alone? No way."

Your heart immediately warms at his words. So he was worried? The past week has been quite rough on you—this being about the third time you've sacrificed sleep in the last 6 days. If Jeongin was in your position, you would already be fussing for him to get to bed a few hours ago. Yet, here he was, supporting you in his own way. 

The blinking line that marked where you had stopped in the file was staring at you, pleading with you to continue and finish everything before the sun rose. But it looks like that won't be happening right now.

"Fine. I still have tomorrow anyway."

mastertag 🏷️ : @h0neydewmoon @starzzns @lhskokoro @bookishcalls — hahaha hi yall,, let me know if you want to be added or removed^^

#starseungs-library #stray kids imagines #skz imagines #stray kids #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #skz #bang chan imagines #lee know imagines #changbin imagines #hyunjin imagines #han jisung imagines #felix imagines #seungmin imagines #yang jeongin imagines #stray kids fluff #skz fluff

[ao3-anonymous]

Isn’t the data you just posted the same as the data last week?

Thank you, eagle-eyed anon! Yes, yes it was but now it has been fixed, so the newest post for 02/05/2024 is accurate.

And while I was trying to figure out why the same data showed up twice, I found a bunch of other issues in my code, so keep reading if you want to hear about the 10 other things I fixed while I was fixing that issue (thanks ADHD!)

As it turns out, it was the exact same info as last week because there was an issue in my workflow that caused it to not run properly so the data in the spreadsheet that powers the dashboard was stale.

But that prompted me to ask myself "didn't I build in a notification system that's supposed to let me know when something fails?" and when I investigated I realized they had stopped working last June and I never noticed (it sends EITHER a success or failure email every week, so I really should've noticed).

When I investigated that, I realized June was when I split the backend data sources between two Google Sheets because they were getting so big - originally I had them in separate tabs of the same sheet. However the notifications were still set up for only the original sheet, so I fixed that.

Also while I was looking at the sheets, I realized there were still a bunch of "Uncategorized" fandoms in the data, even though I removed that category from the workflow after realizing that they don't have fic counts on that Category page. So instead of pulling fic count, I was accidentally pulling a bunch of years and passing them off as fic count. I fixed that a couple weeks ago, but I didn't clear old data so I did that now.

THEN when I finally remembered the original problem I had been solving, I started trying to figure out whether the data hadn't been recorded for 2/5 at all (I save it in a JSON first) or if the sheet just hadn't been properly updated. While doing some checks, I realized that most of the categories had data for 2/5 EXCEPT Video Games & Theater?? Which honestly I still haven't fully figured out why, but I was able to manually run the size scrape for those two pages again, so at least they have data now.

Finally, while I was re-running the scripts to try to figure out why it wasn't running for Video Games, I had it start printing out various pieces in the loops and noticed it was taking forever to get through a category and seemed to go slower and slower by letter. Turns out a small error in my code had it looping through all the fandoms for a category starting with a specific letter (A) but then instead of moving on and doing B next, it was doing (A, B), then (A,B,C) etc. This wasn't actually causing errors of any kind in the results, but it was slowing the whole thing down and unnecessarily writing over the size count 25+ times for the fandoms at the beginning of the alphabet, so I've now fixed that.

The best part is even though I just wrote all of this out, I'm still not quite sure where in there I fixed the issue that caused the stale data in the first place lol. But at some point I fixed some other things, re-ran the "write_to_sheets" script (which I of course tried first thing and it didn't do anything) and this time it worked and actually updated. So hooray! And clearly this whole thing is being held together by spit & glue (it was a project I set for myself when I was learning Python) so maybe I should go back and rewrite some things now that I'm actually paid to do coding for my job and have a bit more experience. If you're still reading, KUDOS TO YOU and hope you enjoy my little project. [[Maybe leave me a heart in the comments if you do, because I accidentally spent way too long on this tonight and it's super late and I still have actual work to do (YIKES).]]

#ao3 #ao3 stats #ao3-anonymous #anon ask

[cilil]

🌿 for ask game. thank you!

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

Now I may be both a good and bad person to ask about that because I've been inspired and writing almost every day for 2 1/2 years straight now and, while there certainly were unproductive episodes in terms of output or low motivation or stress and anxiety keeping me away from writing itself, I always had inspiration in my head at least; I suppose you could say I've been somewhat "blessed" with keeping this up without putting in real conscious effort. I don't think there's a secret recipe either, but I'll try to give some helpful (?) ideas :)

So a good chunk of this is sadly, or at least I suspect it might be so, dependent on how prone to hyperfixation and how attached to an individual thing you are on a personal level. Speaking for myself, I'm the kind of person who always has their "one main thing" and sticks with it for several years at least (I was tenacious enough to spend 5 years doing my own thing in a dead fandom) and slowly digs deeper and deeper as time goes on. Others may change interests more frequently, be in several fandoms at once or experience greater fluctuations with high and low creativity. That leads us to my first point: Know who you are and work with that, don't try to be anyone else.

The second thing I think is important is to find a good balance between trying to be reliable and finish your stuff and give yourself some space to do whatever you feel like and fuck around. You may have heard creativity being compared to a river before and it's true: Too much human interference - for example straightening a river - can impact the environment around it negatively, and too much scheduling and deadlines and forcing yourself to be creative will impact your creativity negatively. Make sure you have the space to at least occasionally do what comes to mind. You should be working on project A, but you're feeling project B? Work on B for a while. The muses are moody.

Another thing that may seem a little contradictory at first, but I think is helpful: Keep at it. If you do whatever is your creative thing regularly, it's less of a "big deal" and threshold to cross every time, it becomes natural and a comforting part of your routine. For writers, drabble challenges and prompt events are examples for good tools to ensure you write at least semi-regularly. But again, please don't feel like you have to force yourself to create every single day, especially if you're someone who experiences periods of little to no creative energy. That's fine. Let yourself recharge. We're all different (in general what works for me doesn't have to work for everyone else).

Now if you do find yourself in a bit of a creative slump or lose passion for a project you used to enjoy a lot, here are some things you can try:

Take a break and do something else. Scratch a different itch. Have fun!

Put yourself in the right mood/mindset by looking for media that evokes the feelings/vibes needed for your project (note that this will work better for people who are highly sensitive or otherwise react/connect to media on an emotional level more strongly). Examples: A playlist, a specific song you associate with your work, a movie/book/game/etc that inspired you, artwork of a character

Talk about it with someone else. Be excited together. Ask for advice if needed. Or just talk through whatever block you have; you may not even consciously realize it, but just to have someone listening will help with explaining the situation to both them and yourself and clearing it up

Write a project list (I recommend either a spreadsheet or a handwritten one). Sometimes the crux with a project is simply all the disorganized noise around it and you begin to feel anxious which causes writer's block and/or kills your creativity. Writing a list can clear that up, make you feel more calm and collected and show you a clear way forward. Note: This applies to other situations in life too. Try it and I promise things will become easier to handle

That's all I can think of right now. Again I can't promise any of this is "the secret sauce, but maybe some of it can help someone :)

#thanks for the ask! #cílil answers #writers block #may manwe sulimo our resident god of writing bless you

[teaveetamer]

Gotta say, I follow BWIIDT and I've read her critiques but I don't recall her ever having done what raxis had done. She never linked to the fic or even outright named it? And she certainly never linked directly to the author. So I still have never seen caps fic , have no idea what the fic is called , and I still don't know who "captain" is.

But if she did the same shit Raxis did and explicitly linked people to the fic and to their social media I would definitely know who they were .

Just want to point out the difference.

Like if I want to know who cap is and read the fic myself I can probably put in the effort and ask or go out of my way to look for it. But that requires actual effort. you need to make a choice and go out of your way to even DO that.

But raxis pasting links and listing names left and right ? that is literally just a mindless click away and the entire fandom knows how aggressive edelstans are , so it's a literal invitation to harassment.

Raxis is basically giving an angry mob the identity and address of a random author he dissgrees with and he's Pikachu face surprised that his MakeAdrestiaGreatAgain buddies stormed over there (literally 1 click away) to attack the author on his behalf? Nah, Raxis has done this for years. he knows.

Combining these two

Thanks, so from what I'm hearing I was right about BWIIDT never providing links or naming the fic?

I initially wasn't following the fic critique. I knew it was going on but I was kind of just not interested in it cuz I didn't really see the point of critiquing the fic at first. Then I started seeing it get recc'd everywhere and shortly after I saw what I believe was BWIIDT's breakdown of Dedue's treatment and I was like. Oh wait this is actually way worse than I thought it was. I thought it was just gonna be some guy's silly little wish fulfillment fic I didn't realize it was gonna be that bad.

But like yeah here's the thing. Sure, people could go figure out Cap's fic from BWIIDT's posts. However, if there's one universal truth about people it's that people are fucking lazy and 99.99% of people are not going to put in the effort to go find the thing.

And also, in forcing people to actually go looking for the thing you greatly increase the chances of someone stopping and saying "wait, what am I doing do I really need to be doing this? Because it just takes longer to find something, and that gives you time to cool down and think about what you're about to do.

I can't tell you how many times I've been pissed off about something and gone to do some research, and in the process of doing the research I've had a second to cool down and suddenly I'm not as riled up or inclined to do anything with the info I've found.

Not related to fanfic but in the same spirit, just as a real example of what I'm talking about. I've been running fandom tournaments and I have spreadsheets for those where I calculate out everyone's total number of votes and rankings. I debated organizing everyone by votes and then posting it midway through the qualifying rounds so people could know who was in the lead, who was behind, who they might wanna focus votes on if they wanted to boost someone into the bracket, etc.

Ultimately I decided against it because I didn't want any potential messiness of someone, say, looking at that frankly presented data and doing some kind of vote manipulation or something. A lot of the characters lower down on the bracket were within only a couple of votes of each other so it would have been really easy to boost someone up with just one or two alt accounts.

Sure technically all of that info is public right on the tournament blog. I've shared the methodology for how I pick the brackets in the past. You could very easily go through the polls and calculate it out yourself to know who is going to be cut. Thing is, most people aren't going to bother to do that, even if they would be willing to try vote manipulating if they just saw the data laid out for them. And it takes like an hour for me to go through and update the spreadsheets and reorganize everything, plenty of time for someone to start trying to calculate everything out and realize that vote manipulating a dumb tumblr poll is, well, dumb.

The point I'm trying to make is, it absolutely matters how easy you made it for people to go find something. Because that will actually make a huge difference in how many people go on to harass an author. And again, that is honestly self-evident at this point? Everyone knows if you link a fic and/or name the fic and the author people are going to be a LOT more likely to go harass them.

[miirshroom]

The Age of Wood and the Winds of Change

In Elden Ring the "Ruins" type structures are some of the most enigmatic to me. I have recently found an in-game strategy for reading the environment that may help shed more light on what they're all about, but first I have some thoughts that I want to record. This is a post about intersectionality between Elden Ring and other FromSoft games, using meta information to delve into the hidden distant past.

I was going through the Woodfolk ruins because I had some cleaning up to do there and found something that sparked a thought:

From the vantage point at the Altus Bloom behind this Wormface boss there is an optical illusion of a twister in a doorframe of the nearby ruins. This recalls to me a theory proposed by another person on Reddit that Farum Azula was once located above the Woodfolk ruins and was picked up by the twister and moved around. But more importantly I realized that the last time that I spent a significant amount of time in this area I had not thought to look for hints in my spreadsheet.

Intro to The Spreadsheet

I don't think I've discussed on tumblr my FromSoft spreadsheet. The basics is that it's where I collect various date-based information that corresponds to the release days of various FromSoft games. It has sortof been evolving over time into the present monstrosity. First I started with the astrological zodiac, because I noticed some astrology trends in Elden Ring itself, and reading the synopses of Armored Core games there are enough hints to piece together an astrological timeline across the games. There is confirmation of this in ACV where you fight through the zodiac as enemies. Then I had the idea to search for whether anyone had noticed a zodiac trend in Sekiro and as it turns out 8 of the 12 Chinese zodiac animals are represented - and once again they match to release years of Armored Core games including matching elements (i.e. 3 visible Folding Screen Monkeys matches to 3 AC games in the year of the Wood Monkey - 2004). In fact, 2004 is practically a convergence point for all of the weird meta stuff that traces back to it.

Sometime later I saw a post where someone was speculating about numerology in Elden Ring and learned that numerology has ties to tarot. Coincidentally, the major arcana has 22 entries when "The Fool" is counted twice as both 0 and 22, which is exactly the span of time between Eternal Ring (2000) and Elden Ring (2022). So I added that to the spreadsheet, where 2004 is "the Emperor" and 2005 is "the Hierophant". And when anomalies started converging on 2004, I noticed that April 1, 2004 (April Fool's Day) provides a unique opportunity to set up a second lagging-behind tarot track. And it also happens to fall within the Gemini era of AC games, so it's the ideal time for an imposter zodiac to split off as well. Silent Line: Armored Core (2003) is about the discovery of a second underground twin city. Armored Core: Nexus sees the short-lived emergence of a new corporation who had uncovered an ancient superweapon - a spin on Gemini's trait of "communication between the surface and the underworld". This seems to create the headache that is AC games following the "false" but flashy Western Zodiac while the vibes-based vedic astrology continues to be expressed subtly, but lagging behind as it does in the regular calendar year. I have guessed that this is where twin cities Nokron and Nokstella enter the picture in Elden Ring - and their development of the mimic tear.

And what ties this all off nicely is that FromSoft axed 14 game franchises by the end of 2004. With the benefit of hindsight it can be seen that only two (2) game franchises were receiving new entries both before and after 2004: Armored Core and the newly acquired Tenchu. There was a deliberate change in direction this year.

At some point I had a thought to check the moon phase for every game FromSoft has ever released (in my defense - they really like referencing the moon), and found exactly 4 dates that they had ever released a game on either a new moon or full moon. Three of these dates are in 2004. The single instance in another year is Forever Kingdom on June 21st, 2001 - the date of a solar eclipse. The same eclipse occurred in 2020 without a single release from FromSoft directly - only Demon's Souls remake by Bluepoint. The Shadow of the Erdtree is scheduled for June 21, 2024. Applying a bit of math, this should be the year of the 20th major arcana "Judgement", which was in 2020 on the main track.

Basically, it is my belief that Elden Ring has a built in Augmented Reality Game component that can be uncovered by paying attention to what the writers pulled as inspiration from past games. Such as a past Age of Wood that correlates directly to the era of the Woodfolk Ruins. See below screenshots for what this data collection looks like for the years of 2004 and 2005, which were the years of the Wood Monkey and Wood Rooster:

Twisters and the Winds of Change

"The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings or endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning" - Wheel of Time Book 1: The Eye of the World

Following the trail of the Wood Rooster led me to discover that I am missing yet another column of data. I was on a wiki binge about the exact sequence of events at the end of WWII and from an article on the Potsdam Agreement I noted that Potsdam is on the Havel River. "Havel the Rock" is a character in Dark Souls who I was certain was inspired by Taurus because of his rocky, mountain-like design, and hoof-like feet and proximity to the Taurus demon. But actually looking at the name "Havel" it's a Gaul word that means "rooster", which would fit him to the year of the Rooster. And indeed his helmet resembles a cock's comb. But that made no sense for the spreadsheet - there is nothing "Taurus" about the year of the Wood Rooster in terms of the AC game matchup and there is no year of the Earth Rooster within the history of FromSoft. So failing all other options I turned to tarot. I knew very little about tarot before this little project, and did not realize that there is also zodiac tied to tarot suits. And sure enough, the zodiac attached to The Hierophant is Taurus. Strengthening the association, this is also probably why Havel's backstory has him as being a Bishop - the Heirophant is otherwise known as "the High Priest". Havel is known to hate the magic of Seath the Scaleless - I wonder if this hints that Seath is the Magician of the 2nd tarot track...

Some key art for Havel the Rock

So why was I looking at the Potsdam Agreement? The last game of 2004 was Metal Wolf Chaos. Of all of the games in their extensive library, FromSoft chose to bring back this game in response to popular demand. And of all of the dates to release a bombastic game about an over-the-top American President carelessly using weapons of mass destruction they chose August 6, 2019 - anniversary of the day that an atomic weapon was first detonated over Japan. I don't believe in coincidences when it comes to the release dates of FromSoft games, at least not in the past few years. Bloodborne: The Old Hunter's DLC released on November 24, 2015 - the birthday of Carlo Collodi, author of Pinnochio. This DLC sees the appearance of Lady Maria in the flesh, after previously meeting a doll fashioned in her image in the base game. I can only imagine that the developers of Lies of P sussed out some part of what FromSoft is up to and used it for their own Bloodborne-inspired game. Pinnochio is an impudent boy made of wood, perhaps what might be described as a Wood Monkey even. And once again, the Armored Core series pulls through in confirming that yes, FromSoft did have Pinnochio in their back pocket dating far earlier than you'd think. In Armored Core 2 (2000) and Armored Core 2: Another Age (2001) the corporation Balena has an "inside weapon" part called Puppet which "fires a dummy for enemy radar". Baleen is an archaic word for whale, from French - as in the whale that swallows the wooden puppet. The worm face in the Woodfolk ruins is not actually looking directly at the Minor Erdtree - it is looking at the pine tree in front of the tree. Pinocchio means "pine eye".

The 3 corporations of the AC2 generation. Zio Matrix I think to have the strongest ties to astrology, because Mars is the planet ruler of both Scorpio and Aries. Emeraude will be discussed below

As an observation of how this ripples forwards, 2024 is the Year of the Wood Dragon.

We're still a few meanders away from my point about the twister. In Metal Wolf Chaos, the president of the United States of America Michael Wilson has a lady on the coms named "Jodi". A charming gal who talks in his head and tells him what to blow up next on this whirlwind of destruction. I think it's a perfectly fitting origin for Marika ('murica) and her loyal shadow the Metal Wolf Maliketh. It's strange, isn't it, that Maliketh and Gurranq are the same, but displaced in time? Well, Metal Wolf Chaos (2004) exists beyond time trapped on the ancient device of Xbox Japan. Metal Wolf Chaos XD (2019) is much closer to the present, hence Gurranq's presence in the Bestial Sanctum. And maybe take a look at the white haired protagonist of Tenchu Dark Shadow (2006) - was not Marika's only use for her shadow as a place to keep Destined Death? I don't really think it matters if FromSoft always had the meta-narrative in mind when they picked up the Tenchu series or if this is a new lens applied with hindsight - it fits on the timeline.

Is it a weak connection that they both have white hair and hold sword in reverse grip and are Shadows? Maybe so, but I will grasp these straws

But Michael Wilson and Jodi are imposters - they are mimics of something older. That's what everything about the Gemini twins and the Wood Monkey and the new April Fool's Tarot are hinting at. Even on a surface level, it's a self-parody of the Armored Core format. And so the search continues with Armored Core (1997) where the major corporations are "Chrome" and "Murakumo Millenium" (murakumo means "a gathering of clouds"). The game has 29 template emblems, some of them generic and some silly and some obtuse, and the one that is most relevant for this train of thought is "Comet Judy". The name Judy being a very close corruption of Jodi. There are 3 leading candidates for what this emblem could be a reference to:

The Yokosuka D4Y Suisei (彗星) - a Japanese WWII dive bomber with a name meaning "Comet" but which the Western Allied reporting name was "Judy". A Suisei plane was used by 3 men in one of the final kamikaze ("divine wind") attacks by Japan in the hours after surrender on August 15, 1945.

A song called "St. Judy's Comet" which is a lullaby from father to son by Paul Simon (most famously from the musical duo Simon and Garfunkel), released on May 22, 1973.

Judy Garland - an actress who is most famous for playing Dorothy, a "good witch who fell from a star" in 1939's Wizard of Oz. Comets are not the same as shooting stars - that would be meteor fragments - but the actual art of the emblem does show a star.

Aside from Comet Judy I added 2 other emblems that are my favourites to make the embedded visual look better

The first two candidates will come up when you search "Comet Judy". And honestly, I would not count them out as being relevant in some manner (May 22 was the earliest release date of Lost Kingdoms 2 in 2003). The third only really makes sense with context clues. After all, there are dozens of Oz references in Elden Ring, and a handful here and there in Demon's Souls (the Twister-like shape of the Old Monk's Robe - perhaps a connection to think on between "Monk" and "Monkey") and Dark Souls (the "Homeward" miracle - good witches do "miracles", according to the 1939 film). They had to be inspired by something. And finally this is where the twister comes in. The one that picks up Dorothy's house and carries it off to Oz and a journey to find the wizard at the Emerald City. Another corporation of AC2 and AC2: Another Age is called "Emeraude", a French word meaning "Emerald". And after getting into the lore of the Wizard of Oz is when I start realizing that the twister can be a recurring phenomenon - The Wizard also arrived to the Land of Oz on a twister and it was through his influence that the Emerald City was constructed. Emeraude is a rival corporation to Balena - who is the corporation that manufactures the Moonlight laser sword in the AC2 generation of games. Luckily, following the guiding moonlight is where I find another solid point of comparison anchoring the Woodfolk Ruins twister to the years 2004-2005. Armored Core Nexus (2004) and Armored Core Nine Breaker (2005) are follow-ups to AC3. And in this generation of games the Moonlight laser sword is manufactured by the corporation "Mirage". As in Elden Ring's "Mirage Rise", which is found right next to the Woodfolk Ruins.

Here's another wrinkle to all this though. I know that the twister in the Woodfolk Ruins that I believe to be corresponding to Metal Wolf Chaos is not the first time a numen has fallen from a star/comet, or been carried in on the wind, or whatever. Both because of the pre-existence of the Emeraude Corporation, and because the name and context of Chelona's Rise tells the story of a witch who had a house dropped on her - and I think that Chelona's Rise pre-dates Mirage Rise by the nature of their puzzles. The question becomes: how many times before and after have the winds of change blown through, and when exactly were the other times? I think that there have been at least 4 twisters, as demonstrated by the 3 smaller twisters that can be seen accompanying timeless Farum Azula from the disconnected area through the Four Belfries "Crumbling Lands" portal. For the view of Farum Azula seen from the Isolated Divine Tower there is only one single twister seen spinning at the centre of the ruins - what possible meaning does this have?

The next lead that I have is Wyndham Ruins. Sometimes I'll idly do a "this day in history" kind of search for the various available dates. And it happens that July 10th is both the release date of the original Armored Core and the birthday of sci-fi writer John Wyndham, whose most famous work is The Chrysalids (as in how Roderika describes the Grafted Tarnished), and it's a story about a post-apocalyptic future where women are ostracized for giving birth to mutants. Wyndham also wrote The Day of the Triffids which is described as "After most people in the world are blinded by an apparent meteor shower, an aggressive species of plant starts killing people". And also The Midwitch Cuckoo "in which the women become pregnant by brood parasitic aliens". So, some interesting parallels there. For the Cuckoo in particular, this meshes with the knowledge that it's an old motif in the Lands Between - even the Moon of Nokstella has two cuckoos perched at the top of it.

Also notable that Wyndham Ruins is infested with deathroot. An aggressive species of plant that grows like a Cancer - which is one of the zodiac that spans across the "Age of Wood" according to my timeline project.

#elden ring #elden ring lore #media analysis #fromsoftware meta narrative #There are 24 named ruins in Elden Ring...does each one represent a year from 1994 to 2017? #what about the unnamed ruins at The Three Sisters? #I have about 80 game entries on the sheet in case anyone was wondering how many there are

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Fucking right!! Okay, I usually try to avoid talking about this, but fuck it, I have to say, I have heard this show, and it is absolutely amazing. One of the very best I’ve heard, from anyone, ever. No, I didn’t see every single show at the Fringe, but I cannot imagine this one did not deserve that award. Of almost 40 (it’s high 30s at the moment, anyway, and I’m still waiting for a couple more NextUp streams to happen) Edinburgh 2023 shows I have heard, and then given ratings in a spreadsheet, Ahir Shah’s was the only show that I gave a 9.75. And that’s only because I went into this rating thing by telling myself I won’t give any show a 10 unless it’s literally as good as the best comedy show I’ve ever heard by anyone. And, okay, it did not quite equal Daniel Kitson’s Where Once Was Wonder. But God, it was fucking good.

That’s why I was surprised to not have read more about it. Because I have been meticulously reading every post on a comedy message board about the 2023 Edinburgh Festival, and there was a lot of talk about a lot of shows, some of which I’ve familiar with and many of which I’m not, but almost no mention of Ahir Shah.

I couldn’t tell if this was a weird oversight on everyone else’s part, or if it’s a sign that I just don’t know enough about comedy. I mean, I haven’t heard a lot of the shows they were talking about, so I guess it’s possible, I thought, that all those were somehow even better than this, and I just think Ahir Shah’s is the best because I don’t know what’s really good. But I have seen and heard a lot of other stand-up comedy shows, by many people in many years (to be fair, I have actually seen in person only a few comedy shows, I mainly mean I’ve seen and heard recordings of a lot of them, and I realize that’s different from being in the room, so that may mitigate whether I can use the claim of “I’ve seen and heard a lot of comedy shows” to give me any cred in knowing about comedy), and Ahir Shah’s Ends is one of the best I’ve ever heard. Including being better than some shows I’ve heard that have previously won the main Edinburgh award, under whatever title it had at the time. So the point is… look, the comedy judges agree with me! They gave the award to the whole festival to the same person who won the top grade in my spreadsheet rankings! I do know what I’m talking about!

I realize it’s a bit hypocritical of me to accept this as a sign that I know what I’m talking about, when at other times I’ve disagreed with comedy award picks, and that makes me say, “Giving out awards for something as subjective as comedy is ridiculous, that one didn’t deserve that award, why do those few people get to say who’s the best?” But when the show that I thought was the best actually wins, I say, “See, this official panel has officially declared that I am correct.” I’ve written plenty before about how I got into comedy as a coping mechanism to deal with a reduction of sports in my life, and this is one instance where the parallel seems obvious, because right now, I feel a lot like my sports team just won. It’s fucking great.

Anyway, seriously, I really think Ahir Shah deserves this and I hope his career only gets better from here, though it’s been on a strong trajectory for a while anyway. I’ve only seen one previous stand-up show by him, which I thought was also brilliant, though not as good at the 2023 one. That one was Dots, his 2019 Edinburgh show that was filmed for HBO in 2021.

I saw that one at the very beginning of 2023, which was a good time for it, I think. I was in a really rough place at the end of 2022/beginning of 2023, not that things are going very well now, but I’ve been sort of steadily climbing out of that absolute breakdown since January. And in January, watching that Ahir Shah special did help. There a bit in there where he says he went off his anti-depressants – “And doing that,” he said, “it turns out is a pro-depressant” – and then he went back on them after having a mental health crisis, and that didn’t make everything better, but it helped. And that is pretty well exactly what I did – I went off antidepressants in 2021 because I thought they weren’t helping, and then in late 2022/early 2023, I was wondering why I couldn’t function and I broke up with my girlfriend because I was so miserable I thought I didn't deserve her, and that absolutely shattered me and I wanted to die for the first time in a few years.

I’d been thinking for a while anyway about going back on medication – I wrote a whole long post at the time about this, in which I repeatedly said “I’m going back on antidepressants because Ahir Shah told me to”, but then also repeatedly said that I’m reducing it to that to be kind of amusing, obviously that is not literally the main factor, no one should take medical advice from comedians. But also, it did kind of give me the push I needed, seeing someone else say there is a way back even if you’ve gotten this bad, just because you stopped them once doesn’t mean you can’t start them again, going off anti-depressants is a pro-depressant that can be undone. And that wasn’t the main factor in my decision to do it, but it was kind of the last factor, the thing that gave me the final push I needed and I did actually call my doctor the morning after I watched that show. If I hadn't seen that Ahir Shah show, I would still have gone back on medication, but not as soon as I did. It would have taken me longer to make that phone call, and I'm glad I didn't end up waiting.

I’m actually not back on anti-depressants. I met with my doctor and talked about what happened and she suggested that my main problem is the extreme anxiety, and if I could curb that I’d be better at functioning and less depressed, so I’m now on anti-anxiety pills. I started taking those very night, alongside like four different vitamins plus iron pills, and I can actually credit Ahir Shah with that too. Because in his show Dots, he talked about going back on anti-depressants and starting to feel better, and he complained that he has to take a whole stupid fucking cocktail of pills every night because his body doesn’t just produce the right stuff naturally and it turns out that you have to get enough iron and shit like that or your body doesn’t function and you’re miserable.

And I thought of my prescription for iron pills that had been sitting in my drawer for nearly 18 months, ever since I had blood work done that said I was severely anemic and should take iron about it, and I’d just never bothered to do so because, I don’t know, I dislike taking meds and I wasn’t functional enough to take care of that and it felt like it was stupid to think something like that would help. Like taking supplements is something happy functional people to who know how to take care of themselves properly, and that's not for me. That line in Ahir Shah’s show did help, hearing that it is normal for someone my age (he’s almost exactly my age, to within a couple of months) to have to take supplements for physical stuff as well as mental health meds, even if we're cynical about it, and if that’s what our bodies need then we should just do it even if it’s annoying, and if I want to then every night I can take my cocktail of pills while rolling my eyes about how annoying it is to take my stupid little pills for my stupid little physical and mental health, and I can think of Ahir Shah being annoyed about it too but doing it anyway. And I do that now. I started taking iron and some other vitamins where I'd been found deficient, as well as these anti-anxiety things. I’ve been doing it since January, and I do occasionally think of Ahir Shah when I take my cocktail of pills. But it helps. Like I said, not everything’s fine now. I still feel pretty fucking bad a lot. But I’m no longer absolutely exhausted all the time. And I no longer want to die.

Last week, I had blood work done for the first time since a couple years ago, when it said I was severely anemic, and then they prescribed me iron but I didn’t start taking it until nearly 18 months later. The previous four or five times that I’ve had blood work done before that, it’s also come back as low iron, once in the anemic range, but not in the severely anemic range until the most recent time. Well, the second most recent time. Because the most recent time was last week, and I got my results back yesterday, and for the first time since my early twenties, it did not say low iron at all! In fact, it was fine! They specifically said every test they did on my blood said it’s fine! My health anxiety has been abated! That’s something I’ll be able to think about for months when I lie in bed at night panicking that I have cancer. It’s fine, I started taking pills and now my blood is fine.

Okay, this post has veered wildly off topic, even by my standards. I know I tend to jump around in focus on these posts, but I don’t think I’m usually this bad. I just really wanted to explain why I have thought about Ahir Shah weirdly often in the last year. Because he often comes into my head at night, when I go to take pills, and the cynic in me immediately wants to think “this is stupid and annoying and won’t work and why am I bothering trying to do something stupid like this as though it will help anything?”, and I think of Ahir Shah saying he also finds it stupid, but he got over that and did it anyway.

The show Dots was about recovery from a mental health breakdown, about finding a way to be functional despite justified cynicism, to want to get out of bed in the morning even though everything is absolutely shit. It was also about family and culture and stars and the different life paths people choose and being the child of immigrants and the mysteries of the universe and religion and all kinds of beautiful things woven together. It’s a really lovely show and everyone should watch it. I can’t share his 2023 show, but if anyone wants to see Dots (his 2019 show filmed in 2021), send me a message and I’ll share a link with you.

So, knowing how much I’d loved Dots, I was really excited to hear his 2023 show, Ends. And it wasn’t just because of Dots. I’ve seen Ahir Shah on TV, more and more in the last couple of years, and I really like him. I first heard of him when I saw him on The Mash Report, where he was great. Lately, he’s been turning up on other stuff, and I feel like he’s been tailor-made to be everything I specifically like in a panel show guest. It’s this perfect blend of cynicism and competitiveness, sardonic detachment but also what seems like a genuine excitement to be there, and getting really into it whenever there’s something to prove or win. He’s been a central figure in my favourite episode of QI, and at least one of my favourite episodes of Catsdown, from the last couple of years. And God, I would love him to be on Taskmaster.

Basically, his 2023 show was all the best parts of Ahir Shah, all the things I specifically love and all the things that are objectively great as far as comedy can ever be objectively anything, and he chose some excellent themes and topics and wove material around it with beautiful care. He had stuff to say, stuff that really mattered, and he told it in a way that made sense and was funny and brilliant. The word “funny” is important there – I know I’m getting lost in some flowery words about it being beautiful and important, so I want to clarify that it was also fucking funny. Funnier than Dots, I think. Dots I remember for the themes and I know I laughed a bit; Ends I remember for the themes but I also think of for how it made me laugh out loud repeatedly. And it made me cry, I will say, at the end. And that's what you want in a comedy show, right? It's the only stand-up show from 2023 that’s made me cry, so well done on that, Ahir.

I just think he’s amazing, I love that he’s got this recognition, I hope he gets lots more opportunities (Taskmaster, Taskmaster, Taskmaster, please). Also, just wondering, why hasn’t Ahir Shah been on The Bugle yet? I realize that’s not exactly the sort of huge high-profile booking that he maybe wants or deserves (Taskmaster, Taskmaster, Taskmaster, I think Sam Campbell should be the start of a trend where the winner of this award automatically gets a spot on the next Taskmaster), but he doesn’t have a high enough profile yet to be too big for The Bugle, and he’d be fantastic on there. He was so good on The Mash Report, shooting the shit with Nish Kumar about current affairs, I’d love to hear him do that again but in a longer form than the five or so minutes his segments got on TV, and also with Andy Zaltzman there.

On the subject of The Mash Report, there’s a line in this show Ends where Ahir Shah says Hindu South Asians live in Britain in massive numbers, but a lot of people don’t realize just how many of them there are, “Because our entire cultural output consists of my mate Nish.” Ahir Shah’s Ends is one of my favourite stand-up comedy hours I’ve ever heard, and another one of my top favourites is Nish Kumar’s Your Power Your Control, which finally aired on TV for the first time yesterday (I haven’t found a recording of it yet, I’m expecting it to go up in one of my usual spots soon, but if anyone has already found it somewhere… if you could send me a link, I would give you in exchange my eternal gratitude and also any stand-up I have that you might want). So while there might not be a lot of British South Asians doing cultural output (to be clear, I am aware that there are more than literally two of them, and so is Ahir Shah, he was using hyperbole for comic effect), the ones who are out there are fucking killing it. Also, happy birthday, Nish Kumar! Happy award winning, Ahir Shah! And happy feeling like my sports team just won to me!

God, I needed this. Some comedians have been disappointing me lately, made me feel a bit cynical about comedy, I needed a win. You know when you find out your sports team is maybe not the sports team you thought they were, maybe your sports team actually kind of sucks, and then you get disheartened and lose faith in humanity? And then you need to counter that with something heartening, like one of your good sports teams getting a bit win? Am I stretching the metaphor too far? Can I make it more obvious if I say that when Ahir Shah talked in Ends about how he was about to get married... just, please, Ahir, I hope she's within a reasonable number of years close to your age, and please try to limit any cheating on her to at least less than three full years, okay? Please? Please be cool, I need my faith in humanity restored (disclaimer: do not take medical advice or faith in humanity from comedians, I know, I know, you're not supposed to do that, but still, surely "keep the affairs to under 3 years" isn't that high a bar).

[occasionally-victor]

"Let's dance! (The dance of death)" — Last Life!Grian&Mumbo playlist

+ songs that are not in the playlist for one or another reason, but they need to be mentioned as they were in the first drafts of a playlist year ago: Madds Buckley - The Red Means I Love You (G); Hamilton - You'll Be Back (G); Tom Lehrer - The Masochism Tango (M); Ferry - anger management – жаль (Both); Hooverphonic - Mad About You (G);

some notes (mostly doing the *points on lyrics* "THEM!" thing):

The part where i do a bit more talking for one or another reason:

Ferry's songs (DEAD HAND, Occam's razor, dopamine_machine, Convergence) are talked about in this post (clickable).

Danse macabre is here because i was describing their dynamic as "some sort of 'danse macabre'" because this tone poem (i looked it up in Wikipedia lmao) was getting recommended to me the whole time and i guess the name of it really got into my head (oooh dance, ooooh of death). The fun part of it, i haven't even listened to it until after 7th session, so i was very pleasantly surprised to hear that it actually fits (here my criteria was "can i daydream about an animatic with this song?" and yes, i could (basically, the pacing and the vibe of the Danse macabre fit the story))

The Front Bottoms - Be Nice To Me & Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man: so, these two are grouped together. Why? Because when talking about my boys I'm mostly looking at first verses (well basically everything before second verses) of each (as you could see in my little spreadsheet, Be Nice To Me is applied to Mumbo (theres also an animatic (clickable) i found, it basically shows what i mean here) and Little Lion Man is applied to Grian). But hey, what about the second verses? Well, it's just theres another LL duo these two songs fit very well (Ethubs. I'm talking about Ethubs. Be Nice To Me - Bdubs, Little Lion Man - Etho). This makes sense in my head and i needed to explain my vision and it does go deeper than that.

Will Wood and The Tapeworms - -ish: i added it here because of this animatic (clickable). what more do you want from me, i am a simple man.

Unknown Mother Goose - Will Stetson (English cover, og - wowaka): ok, so at first i wanted to just put some lyrics here, but then i realized i just started copying the whole song, so yeah. i will just put this part, because i really like it: "I’ve grown to take it, the pain welling in me, the breaking and hurting//Joy, grief, rage, and pleasure, they all blend together, through every endeavor//If happiness that I cherish is real and is out there somewhere lost on this earth//Will I wander forever and ever in agony in this darkened and cold world//As the blackened, the sheep that will never belong anywhere as I live forever?//--Don’t leave me like that!"

Jhariah - The Great Tale Of How I Ruined It All: "In the lens through which some eyes will see//This tale is one of failure//And though I don’t think I’m your enemy//I’ll never be your savior//And in the lens through which some eyes will see//This tale is one of victory//And though I don’t think I’m a failure//I don’t deserve your sympathy" - this part is totally the only reason this song in this playlist HOWEVER! The whole song is actually very much post 6th-7th session Southlands vibe.

Kenshi Yonezu - Décolleté: funny example of "I'm aware that this song in fact doesn't fit at all (i have read the translation), but the vibes captivated me so much so i just. decided to ignore text at all"

The main part №1:

The Puget Sound - Terrified of You: ok i was trying to get some of the lyrics here (specifically the part from 1:40 to 2:05-ish), but i literally cant understand what some of the words are. Like, i get the meaning of the sentence, yeah, but the words. That's what i get for putting an old ass song with less than 70 views here.

Flira - My Eyes Your Eyes: another one of "bitch i wish there were some lyrics online" because im annoyed that i can't pick up all words. However, i can say, that it was 5:19-5:42 part that made me add this song to the playlist.

Shayfer James - Bayonnettes: "And his eyes speak his past//Colorful, wild and totally ruthless" • "In a fight to the death//Where these broken promises fix bayonnettes" • "And that look in your eye//Is certain to try and divide us//As the sun in it's sky//Is threatening, is threatening violence"

Will Wood - Kill me if you can: "Fix that twitch, it makes me fiddle like a schizophrenic, how am I gonna get through my life like this?//Neurotic and catatonic, idiotic, not enough psychoticism to corroborate the sin" • "Take me towards the light//When it leaves my eyes//Give me a sec to catch my dying breath//Forgive me if I cross the flatline" • "Six-feet deep from six-foot-tall, don't bother, give it some, or lose it all//Please come kill me, kill me if you can"

The Brobecks - Die alone: "Can I die away from you?//What you do, it isn't ordinary too//There's nothing to do, but lie//I guess I'll die, guess I'll die a lonely guy"

Shayfer James - Grind My Bones: "I am a moment slowly dying//Soon I will only cross your mind from time to time" • "Now as the walls around us crumble//Watch all the idiots and hypocrites rebel//You are two dashes and a number//And all of your complaining couldn't save you from yourselves" • "Oh I was lost and nothing found me//You better know that when I go//I'm going fast"

Jhariah - PRESSURE BOMB 3?!?!: "Slow down//Those words mean nothing//My brain just revs up faster//Pressure bomb in a goddamn knife fight" • "Ecstatic pathways runaway, flood my mind//Overstimulation makes me feel like I’m alive" • "It drives me forward every moment//Makes sure I don’t stop too long to//Smell the flowers//I been here too long, I might burn up and explode"

The Crane Wives - Curses: "There's a fire in my brain and I'm burning up//Oh my, oh my//Keep running for the sink but the well is dry//Oh my, oh my" • "Every word I say is kindling//But the smoke clears when you're around//Won't you stay with me, my darling//When my walls start burning down, down, down?" • "Oh ashes, ashes, dust to dust//The devil's after both of us//Oh, lay my curses out to rest//Make a mercy out of me" • "All my aching bones are trembling//And I may yet fall apart//Won't you stay with me, my darling//When the war starts in my heart?"

Des Rocs - Used to the Darkness: "I've made mistakes, the Lord struck me down//Caught in a landslide, lost underground" • "And then my eyes got used to the darkness//And everyone that I knew//Was lost and so long forgotten after you" • "Now would you pray before you twist the knife?//Yeah, would you take my hand and take a life?" • "And now there's no one else left to love//I'm used to the darkness, I'm used to the darkness"

Ricky Montgomery - Snow: "When I go, bury me six feet in snow" • "Here we are wasting our chances for the last time//Oh, and when we go I'll try not to be so slow" • "Say it once, say it twice, try to be nice//Well, let's not lose ourselves" • "Summer's over, love had left her screaming at the screen//Oh, and it's understood that the both of us are no good"

QUEEN - Will Stetson (English cover, og - Kanaria): "Lie, bye Baby//My, my, my life//Give me your hand, we'll dance a tune throughout the night so//Lie, bye Baby//My, my, my life//That's the signal you're fading from the light//My love" • "One, my only self is jumping for love//The dreams are never enough//Too far away to touch" • "Overflowing, Overflowing//It really takes me back into the end we left to die//You never know it, You never know it//It's falling//Cry cry cry" • "Nebulous, abandonment, a weapon//I'm none and no one, never needed I cling//With hazy eyes in the night, loving words to disguise//Stuck crying out for the world that wasn't mine//Those fates all just remain in place, no matter//How hard you fight the future never will change//My vision's starting to fade//Heart's a smoldering flame//They sing in shame for a spark we couldn't make, my love"

Jhariah - Needed a Change of Pace: "I’m so glad I woke up today//A different life in a brand new place//I think I maybe outgrew the last//I needed a change of pace//No more talk of what my burdens say//They’ve been left behind, and that’s where they will stay" • "Oh, how could you love me so?//Oh, with all I’ve done and the things you know?//My dearest, you better never forgive me//'Cause if you forget what I’ve done, I’ll do it again" • "I died that night and killed god in the morning//Left without a warning or even informing the coroner//I was a foreigner//Never belonged in that place, played along in that place//Till I had enough of the games//I couldn’t find the time from the afterlife//To apologize or even say goodbye"

GARANDO/AIRHEAD - djalto (English cover, og - Picon): "So it was just me and you//Such a stupid rendezvous//And now look at us both//Indifferent and disconnect, just barely hangin' on. Just what i thought" • "Sure, I already know what I'm crying for//The same old "goodbye", i've seen it all before//Is it okay if i stoop this low, low, low?" • "Remember those glaring eyes of yours//Just stabbed my soul straight down to the core//While we danced in room number 10884//From dusk till dawn" • "Living life everyday just sucks me dry//Even "sleeping forever" sounds way more fun//Then it's fine for me to stoop this low, low, low"

EYE - Will Stetson (English cover, og - Kanaria): "Pray for me while my mind is flickering, burning//Thirteen, fourteen, rotting and eating spices as we please, see//Watch me sleep with a dagger up my sleeve, hurting//Thirty, forty, stabbing like crazy, smiling as I bleed, see" • "L-L-LIFE, you and me, E-E-EYE, and so we//Play bad and hold on tight and lie and lie and lie and lie//K-K-KNIFE, you and me, E-E-EYE, already//There’s evil deep inside, a lie and lie and lie and lie" • "Without behaving to please//They flow and bleed, all of the words I set free"

Will Wood - and if i did, you deserved it: "and we're alone now//high up and low down" • "you know i'm not the type of guy to turn my back on a knife//it's just my luck these motherfuckers talking smack on a guy//but i'm deserving every word they could begin to apply" • "i really don't care what you think or what you say//i'm a cancer, i'm malignant, yeah, you oughtta stay away//my heart's fucking empty and i trying to fill it up//but it's not big enough for the both of us//no it's not big enough for the both of us" • "if i keep beating myself up//i'll keep on winning the fight//and get my ass kicked//i'm poisonous, not toxic" • ""don't meet you idols"//hey, fuck you, i'm your idol!"

The Crane Wives - Know How: "I am not brave, I am not brave//I blind my eyes to what won't stay//You kissed my mouth, you pushed me out//And now I'm struggling to free myself" • "I gotta wrap my head around//What my heart is telling me//I've been trying to drown it out//Just because I know what I am//I am supposed to do now//Doesn't mean I know//Doesn't mean I know how"

Mother Mother - Burning Pile: "All my style, all my grace//All I tried to save my face//All my guts, try to spill//All my holes, try to fill" • "It goes, all my troubles on a burning pile//All lit up and I start to smile//If I catch fire then I'll change my aim//Throw my troubles at the pearly gates"

The Crane Wives - Never Love an Anchor: "And I tried to do the best that I could//But try as I might I couldn't bring myself to hold you" • "With this heart of mine that's guilty not remorseful//There is love that doesn't have a place to rest//But it would have buried you if it had settled on your shoulders" • "I am selfish, I am broken, I am cruel//I am all the things they might have said to you//Do you ever think of me and my two hands//... //And wondered why they never held you gently//And wondered why they never had the chance to lose you?"

Shayfer James - Godspeed: "There’s many ways to hide a heart that bleeds//But I prefer the ease of rolling up my sleeves" • "I used to be someone that you could believe//But it’s been a while, been a while" • "Let me not make mazes with words//Get yourself, get the hell, get yourself out of here" • "Good luck, godspeed, I know I’ll see you again//I’ll always call you a friend indeed"

Fall Out Boy - Miss Missing You: "Don't panic, no, not yet//I know I'm the one you want to forget//Cue all the love to leave my heart//It's time for me to fall apart" • "Now you're gone, but I'll be okay//Your hot whiskey eyes have fanned the flame//Maybe I'll burn a little brighter tonight//Let the fire breathe me back to life" • "Sometimes before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger//The person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger//Oh, we're fading fast, I miss missing you now and then"

Eva - Kuraiinu (English cover, og - Hiiragi Kirai): "I want you who’s dying to look at me//Greedily, I hope for what’s blasphemy//All alone, purity then devours my heart//Oh, I wish I could be the Lord of the Flies and restart" • "Hey, how mediocre//Hey, peaceful time is over//I’m so fed up, I’m burning up//I think I’ve had just enough//Hey, how mediocre//Hey, peaceful time is over//Abandon all, just make your call, I’ll still leave after all" • "Tell me why, ah…tell me why//Like a waterfall, all the pain flows down torrentially?//When I desire all your love to only be for me//But it the end it’s all a fantasy" • "In a moment, daydreams are all destroyed//From the core of my being, they rot me away//Those who persevere and survive today//Worry all about the future—who they’ll be, who they’ll betray//They try so hard, but they can’t deny the human nature calling out" • "Don’t dare to be irrational!"

Jhariah - BAD LUCK!: "This time around’s no different//I’ve played with chance like you//I loved to toy with fate//But, oh, I didn’t have a clue//That I would lose, oh, I would lose//... //“You’re not like me, I’m not like you, I’m not who these things happen to“//And that’s exactly what you say before they do" • "Still somehow they’re looking down on me//Laughing ’cause I got what I deserved//(You got what you deserved)//And I would do it again//I’m not sorry, but thank you for enduring me//As long as you did//That’s more than I’d ever ask of you"

Des Rocs - Don't Hurt Me: "But now is not the perfect time//To say I was lonely//To say I wanted the trouble" • "I bet the stars and stones//One hurts and one glows//I bet you think love was none of your business//None of your business" + honestly the chorus part ("Baby, don't hurt me, baby//...") vibes with them really well

Will Wood - I Can't Wait To Die: "You shook my soda, should've owned it, my mistake//Took my volcano, shifted my tectonic plates//I'm at rock bottom out of options or so I hope//'Cuz if I'm not then how much lower should I go" • "I can't wait to die//You've got me so god damn excited, I've been waiting my whole life//I can't wait to die//Can't wait to die, 'cuz you remind me of what it's like to be alive" • "You're close to me enough to breathe secondhand smoke//My misery's now your disease and it loves your company and" • "Never letting no people before I look through the peephole//See no evil, speak no evil, speak to me, no I don't hear you"

Jason Webley - Dance While the Sky Crashes Down: "We've all begun to die and don't know what to do//Since it hurts to pray to God when God is dying too//Takes strength to laugh when you start to drown//And we dance while the sky crashes down" • "Like that the earth begins to quiver//And all the oceans turn to black//A ship of maniacs with knives are playing blackjack with their lives//To kill the time until the giant rats attack" • "A band of skeletons is playing//Don't act like you don't know the tune//Your part is echoed in the path of every dead leaf blowing past" • "And every one of us is damned until we start to understand//That living is to gorge ourselves at our own wakes"

MIRA - Will Stetson (English cover, og - Kanaria): "Too old that I can't get a shake//From dreams a crumblin' away, a self centered hate//Worn down but I'm feelin' the weight//While slowly loosing my place//Too starved of love to wait" • "A superficial trust, an agonizing touch//A portrait drained of blood//Keep away from me my love//I'm doubtful of my love" • "Keep away from me my love//A lame lying love//Burn away your trust, never feel much"

Shayfer James (feat. Will Wood) - Ferryman: "Never again can be innocent//And everything ends, well, it just makes sense//If up has a down there's another side//In there's an out so it's worth a try//People want each other but they want themselves more//Even when your lover's something new to live for//Is to die for, therefore to kill for//Black has white so go to the light, my love" - if I'm being honest, the biggest reason i added this song here is because i really liked the vibe. Like, it works in my head, plus the vibe is the first thing i look in the songs i want to add in this playlist.

tallyhall - Misery Fell: "Why, oh, why this//Town without love too much faith in above?//Can you feel the//Force that it brings not to worry 'bout things?//Just the stars in the sky all enjoying their time//With a hope for peace" - another one of "based on vibes tbh" songs.

tart - enigma: "here we go again//the devil's watching from below//so just keep writing//see it in my eyes//i never wanted to survive//so i'll show you who i've learned to be" • "i've seen a perfect crime//... //i've seen an angel watching devil with his greedy eyes" • "Next comes the pain of the way//You’re falling into me[You’re crashing into me]//I know it’s closed reign[‘Cause in the domain]//But the flame[Of my brain]//Is sinking in again[I’m getting lost again]//See thousands of words through my eyes//And when you finally realize//That you’re the one holding the gun[That I'm the one holding the gun / That you're the one holding the gun]//I’ll say my first goodbye[just recite my goodbye / I'll say my last goodbye]" • "Time’s still turning, yet my memory is running low//... //Tell me now, how do you want this to go//I’ll cast my hand, don’t wanna know" - i decided to color it because it was getting confusing.

Will Wood - Cicada Days: "She said "It just feels inhumane to lose this much."//'Cause when you leave you know you take more than your love//Just one week of cicada days, we're losing touch//And I know it just feels inhumane to lose this much" • "Let all my red flags fade to white, yeah, I give up//Don't let me leave, I'll only take more than I gave//Okay, I'll pack my stuff//Here at the end of days, my god, what have I done?"

cavetown - Pigeon: "Fuzzy feelin' and I miss you//Why can nothing stay the same?//Fuckin' stupid head, I’m gonna kill you//Melt all your art and drink the paint//I am not a beast, I’m not a monster//I don't care what you say//You can’t have the bad guys without a hero//And I’m the only one who’s got a cape" • "Didn’t give me time to say goodbye in the way that I wanted to//So honey close your eyes and stay like you’re supposed to do//Don’t know how I’m gonna live without//But I’ll stay strong for you"

The Amazing Devil - Elsa’s Song: "Your voice it carries over//The hubbub and the hum//And it paints the sky and circles high//Like the beating of a drum//You will scream "I won’t forget you"//But I’ll cover my cold ears//It cannot be a lie//If no-one hears" • "'Cause although you say good day to me//I know I don’t belong//And although you hold my hand and say//"I love you," you are wrong//Because love does not exist here//In this garden, there’s no feeling//And you say the words so often//That I barely know the meaning" • "And then you’ll cry to our painted sky//"I loved him then, I love him still""

The Crane Wives - How to Rest: "Go on stack the cinder blocks in a cold sweat//Build yourself a citadel amid the foothills of regret//And though you've convinced yourself, you're safe and sound within//The thing you fear the most never need get in" • "Those of us who vow never to love again, to love again//Are making liars out of honest men//It's not something that you put to bed//Hang your head and just forget//No, love don't know how to rest"

Mother Mother - Arms Tonite: "I fell in your arms tonight//I fell hard in your arms tonight, it was nice//I died in your arms tonight//I slipped through into the afterlife, it was nice//White light in your arms tonight//I lost sight in your arms tonight, it was nice" • "And hey, you, don't you think it's kinda cute//That I (I) died (Died) right inside your arms tonight?//That I'm fine even after I have died?//Because it was in your arms I died"

The Vultures - Risk It All: "Do you know this certain feeling//This feeling inside of you//Well, maybe you´re not clearly seeing//But I have that feeling too//I´m living an empty heart//Got no reason to feel unwell//But still I crave for more" • "You only live once//You better give it all you got//Yeah you live only once//So you better take that shot//Again and again and again and again//´Till your time is up" • "Truth be told//I can´t hold that feeling anymore//I´m living a lifeless heart//I feel so outworn"

The Vultures - Get What You Want: "It's that time of the night again//I'm thinking of us//My head in the clouds and then//You doubt my trust//I can't change the way i am//At least i would try to do//I want to be together, babe//Together with you" • "You and me, we could be free//Why is this so hard to see?" - more of "based on vibes tbh"

The main part №2 (these songs are not on english, so it's a bit if a warning: in this post i will just use some english translations i found)

Dirt Poor Robins - Enchanté: "Alas, the muses through their glasses//Drift away as only madness//Drowning in the din//Of our animal skins" • "From chagrin I've been released//Paint me in a portrait sans//The fig leaves, fig leaves//And I will not be concerned//Or ignore the things I yearn//My hunger is the rule I cannot overturn" • "Alas, the virtues through their glasses//Hid themselves from our madness//All we have within//Is our animal skins" • "Greet your beast and let 'em streak//Into the fray" • "Enchanté, enchanté, enchanté, enchanté//Name the powers "meteors"//And let us go insane//It's okay, it's okay, it's okay//If we can't raise the dead//We're gonna raise, we're gonna raise//We're gonna raise hell instead"

mewithoutYou - Everything Was Beautiful And Nothing Hurt: "Heard you call for me//Saw you die for me//Only you'd burn for me//If only you'd come for me" • "And so you'll be to me//Who must obliquely run//Thy firmness makes my circle just//And makes me end where I begun" • "There's nothing wrong//As I'll be somewhere singing all along//No! Tell me, where have you gone, my love//Where have you gone my love"

Arctic Monkeys - The Jeweller's Hands: "Fiendish wonder in the carnival's wake//Dull caresses once again irritate//Tread softly, stranger//Move over toward the danger that you seek" • "And now it's no one's fault but yours//At the foot of the house of cards//You thought you'd never get obsessed//You thought the wolves would be impressed//And you're a sinking stone//But you know what it's like to hold the jeweler's hands//That procession of pioneers all drowned" • "The inevitables gather to push you around//Any other voice makes such a punishing sound//He became laughter's assassin//Shortly after he showed you what it was"

Eve ft. 38ban - Therefore You and Me: "Paired up, they mean something//My avatar!//It's two-in-one//You and me//Don't ever let go of what's beloved" • "Therefore//You and me, you and me//You and me, lovey-dovey//As a result of loving//As a result of forgetting//... //As a result of acquiring//As a result of losing//... //As a result of living//As a result of dying" • "Because, I and myself, we're all ghosts//Very selfish ghosts." • "You and me, you and me//You and me, lovey-dovey//As a result of trusting//As a result of being betrayed"

しとお - 枉ゲラルルラララ: "I want a talking partner who yells and fidgets around, badly//I'd just get bored with a sympathetic person//As partners, we'd talk while making weapons with our hands" • "If someone goes bad, grudges will start//If living at limits is a fun thing, well then...//"So, this is a fun thing?"//So basically, you don't even know"" • "Claw-like bullets replaced words, you know, right?//Hey, rely on me//Tell me if it hurts, tell me what you can't say//... //Well, it's definitely your "right thing", so...//Come on, let's play, like we're gonna throw up and really start living!//While being strangled..."

WADATAKEAKI - Green, Green: "We are just hopelessly//Small to make a difference//No matter how much we cry out and butter up//Nothing will change anymore" • "Not so much anymore, fall in line, loss of identity//Hold hands to each other, just to be saved, just to be robbed" • "I don't wanna die without having done something//No afraid if we all hit it"

Kenshi Yonezu - Flamingo: "I can't even laugh at this cheap and lowly fight//The crimson hair ornament you wear. Hated love enemy//I wanna touch the velvet tail of your eye//And that slight cold smile of yours" • "You're floating with a smile, never to return//Leaving only sorrow and jealousy behind//Thanks as always, darlin', can you love me better next time?" • "Oh King of Hell, i appeal to you//Please judge her charms for me//The story of drunk paper-mache doll//Playing this silly game till the day i die"

Lacrimosa - Alleine zu zweit: "At the end of truth//At the end of light//At the end of love//At the end - there are you//(The heart empties - there goes a part of me )//Nothing has survived" • "Lonely - together//We have forgotten to find us a new//Habit gaggs//Dullness suffocates//Arrogance makes you drunk//and closeness drives to flight"

Mozart l'Opéra Rock - L'Assasymphonie: "Tonight, intolerable insomnia//Madness awaits me//I am what i flee from//I endure this cacophony//Which saws my head//Trite harmony" • "The enemy lurking in my mind//Celebrates my defeats//Without respite, he defies me//I renounce the fatal heresy//That eats me away//I wish to be reborn//Reborn" • "The violins of my life weep//The violence of my desires//Deranged symphony" • "I drown my boredom in the music//I kill my fears in the disharmony//I devote my nights to violent symphonies//To requiems//Killing out of spite what i sow//I devote my nights to violent symphonies//And to blasphemies//I admit that i curse all whom love one other"

Hiiragi Kirai - Galleria: "We have nothing left now//That's why we can't be healthy and well//When i realized that//It was too late//Too late//Theres nothing i could do//That's why there's no turning back" • "Please, give me//The life of my dreams//Even though i have nothing left//And couldn't do anything//Are you still going to corrupt my tower of fantasy?//The room with you in there//Was supposed to connect out future//Like a galleria//It should have been like that//Yet here we are" • "I'm sorry//So sorry//I have finally realised//That it's impossible to fulfill my dreams" • "Now i have lost it all//Like nothing left in our galleria//Shouldn't end like this"

Ophelia's English cover of Galleria: "We've not a thing//So it seems, so it seems//That's just exactly why we can't be healthy and free//Deep within my grief//Late to see, late to see//There's nothing I can do//I can't turn back there and leave" • "Begging you, begging you//Vesting in me//Give me a life of all my dreams//If i can't do a thing with nothing, it would seem//Would you still kill my towered fantasy//You're in that room and you stayed there, my love//Joining out futures in galleria//That should have been, that should have been//How we would live" • "Sorry dear, I realised, i realised//The dreams of my own mind//Would've been impossible to bring to light" • "I have lost everything//Even my love//Empty as ever, a galleria//This shouldn't be us"

Segodnyanochyu - Герда, икай: "Listen to the new CD//Don't build illusions and schemes//We all will end badly//Who cares with whom" • "But what are you gonna do if I stay here//If I go off again, go off the slippery rails again//But what are you gonna do if I stay here//Do you want us both to go off the slippery rails?" - i had to translate those bits from russian myself if you even care.

TOOBOE - oxygen: "“Shall we try defiling each other?”//To say everything about thinking like that is beautiful//doesn’t hit the mark, not even close" • "With my bloodshot eyes, everything around me has gone pitch dark//We put it on the table and enjoyed it as if it were delicious" • "I’m sorry, ah, dear sun, please, if I can see it, show your face one more time//How absurd, to think I could just wash it off//Ah, all my life, I’ve been mediocre. You’ll be outnumbered to confront them//if you think it’s going to be easy down the road" • "My heart grew hotter, making my head spin in an instant//If you want to hear the melody that you’re imagining, let out your voice" • "Ah, the treat that we’ve finally got hold of,//as if it was a dream, disappeared with the fog//We took a long hard look at it as we held our breaths"

natori - 猿芝居: "Weatherbeaten and suspicious of you//Only bittersweet irony here//Not even making the slightest movement//At any rate, I've got no time to lose//Intertwining together briefly, hand to hand to hand" // "Ah, let us play, let me play, towards the sound of the applause//Atrocious, boisterous, fastidious//Without any place to go, that's merely rubbing salt into the wound//Look, this night is making a fuss" • "A restless breeze blowing through the greenery//Locking eyes with the quiet beauty, eye to eye to eye//Is that person my rival in love?" • "The two of us, unable to mix//If you leave yourself in the care of this disordered world//I'll say goodbye for now, let us meet again in a city we don't know" • "Ah, what a shameful sight, saying goodbye forever//Becoming more sinful as we seek for one another//Drink it all, until the end, until it's finished//At any rate, I'll be alone in this world"

MARETU - ナミダ: "Getting hurt, you curse the colorful blue sky//With your sadness, you hope for a stormy weather to come" • "A rusted steel, a slashed and tattered armor//For how long will you be wearing it?//The one and only, crystal-clear sincerity you held//Unable to protect it, you let go of your hand and gave it away" • "What must be finished is this resentment//Flowing out with blood, the tears, the tears//Dyeing you in a dark, in a dark color//Unsheathe and draw out, the blade, the blade//The one thing that hasn't stop yet//is your heart." • "I don't know them//All they do is laugh and laugh//All the things I treasured, they were taken away" • "Over and over//as time passes//you are still//unable to be recovered//Now//let's end it//Why//the pain//the blood//the hesitation" • "Get out of my way, these tears! these tears!//You will be burned into crimson red, crimson red, flames.//Cut and slash them down, with the blade, with the blade.//Let the thoughts of yours, awaken from now on." - i found several english translations to this song with slightly different wordings, so of course ive just chosen the one that fits the most (from this video (clickable))

Superfly - Kakusei: "The black sky is appearing//The repeating thunder pulses//Before the storm begins//I will cast that spell on you" • "I will resuscitate//Your lovely heart//Throw off that body//Now it’s time for you to return to me" • "No mater how many times the thunder hits//I will go beyond the darkness while singing"

Mozart l'Opéra Rock - Le bien qui fait mal: "Now where does this strange feeling//Come from//That fascinates me//Just as much as it disturbes me//I shiver, stabbed by the beauty//It's like a knife in my soul//The wound going right through my heart//And I feel joy in the pain//I intoxicate myself with this poison//Until it makes me loose my mind" • "I can feel//A violent urge//I feel like//I'm sliding towards the ground//If I don't find out//Where this plague is coming from//I adore//Having it under my skin//Bewitched by mad ideas//Suddenly//All my cravings take off//The desire becomes my prison//Until I loose my mind"

#occasionally victor talks #music playlist #mcyt #last life smp #traffic smp #trafficblr #mumbo jumbo #grian #last life mumbo #last life grian #grumbo #some songs in here are a bit /r so playlist might be a bit shippy lmao #i was making this playlist for over a year jeez

[athenaholmesartistsguild]

Omg please click for better quality. Everything looks awful if you don't click on them.

Here's some more-y OMORI/Yakuza crossover stuff. I haven't really posted about this AU since like. This post from last year so my art looks wildly different!

Well. Maybe not wildly different, but I've improved quite a bit.

I kept the neutral portrait images pretty much the same as my original character portraits. Nishida's neutral portrait probably changes the least because I just loved the original so much that I didn't really need to change it lol. You can't improve on perfection.

Kiryu changed the most just because I wanted to make his hair look a little fluffier. I feel like if he existed in the OMORI universe, he would just have fluffy hair when he was younger so yeah.

I didn't do a full emotions spreadsheet for Goro (Majima's 1985 self) or Saejima mostly because I was working on battle portraits, but I will probably draw them at some point. I'd just had this sitting in a folder on my computer and I wanted to go ahead and post it.

I had a big long mini-essay tacked onto my original post explaining my reasonings for drawing the characters the way I did (as well as having Majima's Yakuza 0 self take the place of Omori and his 1985 self take the place of Basil) so you can read that here if you want.

I spent a lot of time on it and I think I did a pretty good job so give it a look if you have the chance.

I think the only thing I'd like to change is that I mention that Majima's life at the Grand was easier than his life as a yakuza, but I think I'd like to change my wording a bit. I have an explanation for why I consider this poor wording below the cut so click on that if you want to read it:

I likened his time to working at the Grand as similar to being in prison, in the sense that his movements and actions were being heavily controlled.

I made the mistake of thinking that lack of freewill was 'easier' when I think the word I was looking for was less complicated.

Obviously being imprisoned, or in a situation that's similar to a prison is not 'easier' than real life. It's just that the lack of control over a person's actions can cause them to have trouble adjusting to the real world where you have much more freedom over what you do and where you go. So in some ways, a person might prefer the structure and rigid schedule that prison gave them even if they don't want to go back to prison.

I'm honestly not completely sure if 'less complicated' is the words I'm looking for either, but I was essentially trying to connect Majima's time at the Grand to Sunny's Headspace.

In Headspace, Sunny goes on the same fun adventures with his friends and doesn't have to deal with the dark thoughts in his mind. It's a comfortable nothingness that (as you play through the game) you realize isn't sustainable).

When Majima was managing the Grand, his days were pretty much the same. He'd wake up, go to work, and then go home. So while Majima's headspace would likely not feature the Grand (since that would be a highly triggering location for him), his life while managing the Grand would mirror that of Sunny's existence as Omori while in Headspace which is why I chose Y0 Majima to take Omori's place in the AU.

So I guess just keep that in mind if you read my original explanations.

#yakuza #my art #yakuza fanart #majima goro #ryu ga gotoku #kiryu kazuma #Saejima Yasuko #Nishida Yakuza #Omori AU #Yakuza AU #Omori Fanart #Omori

[fountainpenguin]

FOP Fic News

Overview

I’ve always had table of contents docs for projects like Origin and Knots, and since I’m returning from hiatus, I recently moved them to a spreadsheet and mapped out what dates I should plan to upload chapters on and how long it will take me to finish these stories. I went through lots of docs with a critical eye and combined or cut chapters to get a better idea of how things are looking.

Posting at my current schedule of one chapter every other week, it looks like  Origin and Knots will come to an end in 2025 (if I stay on top of my buffer) and although that feels so far away, there’s a certain relief in it since my combining and cutting helped me bring that down from 2026.

That schedule doesn’t leave wiggle room for other projects like Come What May, the 130 Prompts, and work for my other fandoms that I’ve been drafting over the years. I don’t really like the idea that if I wrap up Origin and Knots in 2.5 years, I’ll still have another several years of Prompts left to go. I always knew these were big projects and working on them made the long years of school more fun, but it’s always been my intention to finish them, and I’d rather do that sooner than later. After all, I’m still sitting on pieces I wrote in 2016 about Cavatina, and 2026 isn’t as far away as it seems... The idea that the 10-year anniversary of his arc might hit before I actually post it leaves me shook, my dude.

I’ve given it some thought and realized that if I post 130 Prompts on the weeks between Origin and Knots chapters, I can wrap the series up in 2026, maybe 2027. I can live with that a lot more than I can live with the idea of working on this project past 2030, ha ha.

In other words, I’m setting a goal of a ‘fic update every Friday, starting soon (I’ve got the next Prompt done, but I’m sitting on it for a sec to build the buffer out farther). There might be some Fridays where there’s nothing, but keep your eyes out for things that interest you. I hope you enjoy :)

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130 Prompt Details

So, many of you are probably familiar with my FOP one-shot series, 130 Reasons Why I’m Fairy Trash. I've had all the 130 Prompts planned out for years, but I lost interest in some of those plans as time went on (Not the big plot stuff, that's still the same, but some minor standalones).

I recently went through my docs to refresh my memory on what’s to come. I had some vague ideas that I never fleshed out and realized that I never will, so I’ve scrapped those. I also had stuff I scrapped years ago, but fell in love with the drafts all over again and am eager to see them finished off.

In 2022, I took an FOP and Tumblr hiatus to focus on other things like my IRL job and personal projects, and I couldn’t maintain the spark of inspiration for FOP at the same time. Mostly, the reason for that was just that I was busy and was putting my time and creative energy into other projects, and I simply didn’t have time for both. I didn’t realize until now, but I think I also felt pressure to create something big and meaningful with what I submitted, and I became paralyzed with thoughts of putting out something “boring” or “weird” and facing critique that my work was confusing or unenjoyable.

Anyway, while recently looking through my WIPs, I remembered the 130 Prompts were always meant to be a series of short side stories and that there’s nothing wrong with dorky little one-offs. I don’t need to put pressure on myself to turn everything into a polished 10k+ story when just a few thousand words will do, or overthink the humor and flow to the point I talk myself out of doing something.

I spent some time a bit ago looking over my stuff and making a new plan for the order I want to post things in, and it feels much more achievable to me now. I’m excited to get back to it. Hoping to post some dumb and silly things more often because “I had an idea and it made me laugh” is valid.

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Stuff Getting Scrapped / Kept

I’ve realized that I’m not going to write Identity Theft and Acacia Arcadia as standalone ‘fics. I scrapped some scenes and the rest will be recycled into 130 Prompts to replace the ones I cut. I’ve set my plan up so that the next Prompts in line are ones that have solid drafts and I’m excited to work on, so I’m hoping to get on a regular posting schedule with those soon, alternating weeks with Origin and Knots.

Hawthorn Haven and Devil’s Backbone will prrrobably still exist as their own ‘fics someday when the time is right, as when I first made their outlines, I was already prepared to work on them “when I’m older.” I don’t feel the same pressure to finish them. I’m still looking forward to them, but they’re in “Can’t talk about these things until we’re in that point of the timeline” jail. I’ve always intended for Devil’s Backbone to be the end of my FOP writing days, so it’s on the backburner for obvious reasons, but when the time does come to close out all the stories and wonderful worldbuilding, I hope it’ll be a blast.

I do still have a draft for a ‘fic called Along the Cherry Lane which focuses on Timmy and his friends growing up, marrying, having kids, etc. but that’s on the backburner for now too. I’m not sure if I want to keep it, but also not ready to let it go. If I do let it go, I’ll find a place for the scenes I liked within the Prompts or I’ll post one or two one-shots instead of the whole ‘fic. I do intend to get back to Come What May once I get the spark back for it and I might even return to Snips and Snails... who knows.

--

Tl;dr

I still have several years of FOP content that I plan to release, as I’ve never wanted to abandon these stories I love. I knew I was starting big projects and I knew they would take me years to finish, but as my 10-year anniversary of writing FOP ‘fics creeps nearer and nearer... Yeah, there’s a certain part of me that's ready to jump back into a schedule and see if I can wrap up all three of these big projects by the time I hit that mark. Crazy how it’s been so long.

Currently I have an Origin / Knots ‘fic buffer through the end of June. We’re entering the phase of the story where the drafts are pretty solid, which means they hopefully won’t take long to polish. Exciting!

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The Schedule

Throughout 2023, you can expect Origin and Knots to alternate weeks. These two ‘fics are main priority in my ‘fic-writing life, so they get buffer priority and I intend to keep up with this goal as best I can. If all goes according to plan, we should be wrapping up towards the end of 2025. I hope to see y’all there :)

I’ll be sprinkling in updates to other projects throughout the “off” weeks. Sometimes there might be no update at all, and I’m okay with that because the “off” weeks are simply meant to be “If there is something, it can be shared” weeks. I’m not holding myself to posting at those times in the same way I’m holding myself to keeping Origin and Knots on schedule, but I look forward to getting to share some fun things like 130 Prompts, more Come What May chapters, miscellaneous one-shots, and content for other fandoms.

Even if I stay consistent, I definitely don’t expect to wrap up the 130 Prompts until 2026 or 2027, and that’s okay. These next few years will be busy, but I’m looking forward to forming a healthy work-life balance- there’s a certain value that a scheduled writing system has in helping you look forward to the next creation you get to share... It makes the work week a little bit nicer.

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Closing

As a reader, your interest in silly fairy fanfics might come and go, but thank you so much to those who’ve loved my work over the years, reblogged posts, left reviews, sent Asks, chatted with me, and so much more.

Also, thank you to those who’ve left me kudos on AO3. I still get emails every time there are kudos, and while I don’t track how many kudos my little stories receive in this old, quiet fandom, it is really cool to see how much love has been given to some of the short pieces I wrote 6 or 7 years ago.

As the years have gone by, it’s been a good reminder that people have really liked some of those pieces that I don’t think about as often as my longer stuff. I don’t need to psych myself out worrying that my quick one-shots aren’t good enough... I’m looking forward to posting some short things again soon.

Thank you for the love and support! I hope you enjoy what’s next <3

#ridwriting #FAIRIES! #130 Prompts #Origin of the Pixies #Frayed Knots #99% true as far as we remember #Come What May

[deb-always28]

The Circus, The Bird, BBG, and the coincidences of it all

To start with, fair warning, this post discusses BBG. We all have our opinions on the subject and deal with it differently. If you are one who does not agree with my point of view, please scroll on by, this post is not for you. Following are all the puzzle pieces that, to me, fit together and tie the anxiously awaited new mv from Harry to BBG. This is my attempt to walk you thru the puzzle and how they clicked along in my head. Be nice please, I don’t usually post about how my wheels spin. That said, let us clown. 🤡

Ever since Monday, January 9th, when HLD posted about the new Houdini site, we’ve all been trying to predict the release date of the mv, which we’ve been waiting for since last year.

To try and figure it out, because it’s what we clowns do, I went digging to refresh my memory and spiraled from there.

On May 6, 2022, we got the photo of Harry with a lady wearing the Escher Sky and Water t-shirt. (Escher’s bird and fish imagery tying all this to Adore You requires an entirely different post.)

On May 9th, we got photos of Harry performing at the Santus Circus on Saturday, May 7th.

The first article with the exclusive regarding the filming of a music video at the Santus Circus was from The Sun on Monday, May 10th.

(note the byline for later)

“It’s for The Sun” exclusive.

A spectacle of stunts.

The Sun article ran with professional "exclusive pictures” courtesy of the usual suspects, Backgrid. The Daily Mail, TMZ, and every other publication that turns up in a Google search ran the story about the mv on May 11th and 12th.

Looking at all these dates and realizing when they were set off bells which sent me looking at my spreadsheet of happenings to see what else was going on that week.

On May 11th the unseen from HLD was from GMA bbg day, July 14, 2015, from SEVEN years before.

From there, backwards seven years to May 9-12, 2015. “It’s for The Sun”.

On top of this we have the goings on of this last week.

January 6, 2023. The Sun BUA, one stunt done. (coincidently the byline is the same as the mv article from May, and yes I laughed at the S.Boyle)

On the same day, January 6, Louis went back to the Sunglass Hut. 😎

Which sent us into meltdown mode for obvious BBG reasons. He visited the Hut on the day F was born, almost seven years ago. “Daddy, daddy, cool!”

And then I did some maths comparing May 2015 and May 2022. You could do May 12 and May 7, and the math remains the same.

More spinning about BBG, six months earlier to the day, Harry wore his kiwi and checkers in Vienna, on July 16, 2022. 🥝🏁

Finally, Triple Strings Ltd, the company set up in 2015, which at one point listed Louis and Cowbell as directors and some think this company is tied to Louis’s deal with S*co and BBG, was incorporated on January 16, 2015. (This is public information and not disclosing anything private.)

And while I’m here I’ll add my vote. The “It’s a family show!” triggers the Pavlovian response of “Or is it?”

I still think it may be a mv for Daydream.

🎵 She said, “Love me like you paid me” 🎵

BBG dates and the Sunglass Hut, the circus and stunt performers, Houdini the escape artist, the Escher fish learning to fly (free?). It’s a lot of threads tied together across seven years. Now we wait and see what comes next. Hopefully, freedom.

#Harry Styles #Louis Tomlinson #BBG #Daylight #Daydream #Circus mv #Bird mv #Sunglass Hut #2022 Jan 12

[stevensaus]

Accommodation Or Abuse: The False Choice Managers Have With #Neurospicy Employees

Preface: You may notice that I do not name the prior employer or manager in this post. That is intentional, and for legal reasons. If you know (or guess) whom I'm speaking about, that's your conclusion, not mine. And if you think I'm talking about you... well, first, go read my Artistic License, and then... well, if the shoe fits, lace that right on up. This video on TikTok pretty much sums up my experiences at a prior employer: https://www.tiktok.com/@tamaravsthevoid/video/7279281953520585985 At that prior employer, there was literally no part of every day activities that did not involve something I had improved, reworked, or simply created from the ground up. Some of that work has gone on to be used in facilities on several continents. From the step-by-step instructions on doing complex procedures, to the Excel spreadsheet used to schedule customers, to the literal computer programs used to complete procedures, I "plugged a lot of holes in the bottom of the ship." I was also seen as insubordinate for a number of reasons. I suggested improvements. I pointed out that perhaps the Windows XP systems we were using in 2020 (yes, you read that correctly) should be patched for software vulnerabilities. I questioned vendors who claimed we had to upgrade Windows to replace a power supply... on a system that ran Linux. I noted the absolutely true fact that when you have three surveys returned, the statistics are utterly meaningless. I presented facts and logic, even when they were inconvenient. And, too often, I did not hide that I knew more about some topics than my "superiors". You would think that improving accuracy and performance would be the most important thing -- particularly in healthcare. That was not my experience. Not with that manager, or even with some of my co-workers. This eventually ended up badly for me. Even though I wasn't particularly interested in "recognition" or "promotion" or taking anyone's job -- just making my own job easier and more efficient -- the results for me were sadly typical for neurospicy individuals, as I suddenly had to find new employment right at the end of the pandemic. As I've learned more about my own neurospicy brain, I've realized that my experiences are common for people with my neurotype. And, sadly, so is the retaliation from allistics. {1} Even now, years out from not having anything to do with that employer, I recently had to block an old manager from snooping on my socials... and then saw where several of their subordinates (or subordinates of their spouse) started creeping on them as well. Which is kind of creepy and disturbing. Please stop; I know someone will show this to you. The irony of all of this is that none of it was necessary -- and is not necessary for other businesses, either. Neurospicy individuals can be a huge asset to a business. Providing accommodations for neurospicy folx is beneficial for all parties. Repeatedly, we see that autism doesn't hold people back at work -- discrimination does. And it's not actually that hard to manage and work with us. Hell, there's even easy to find tip sheets on the first page of any search engine (but here's a direct link to one). In the meantime, Applied Behavioral Analysis and "Autism Speaks" serve up an alternative world where neurodivergent individuals are browbeaten into simple conformity. They actively work to silence neurodivergent voices when they are inconvenient. At one staff meeting, my manager at the time dismissed concerns about customer feedback surveys by saying, "It isn't like we have anyone here who is an expert on surveys and statistics." Everyone looked at me. It was publicly known that I was also an adjunct teaching a research methods course -- specifically covering surveys and statistics -- at a local university at the time. That manager -- for not the first (or last) time -- demonstrated their pettiness and lack of leadership with that comment. So I offer this challenge to all of you who are -- or may be -- in leadership positions: Do you want to be a leader or manager who actually works with your neurodivergent employees? Do you want to have them in your corner supporting you, improving the workplace, and being an asset to the organization? Or do you want to be like my old manager, creating a hostile, toxic, and inefficient work environment because of the fragility of your ego? {1} I am not getting into the Americans With Disabilities Act for a lot of reasons, not least being the obstacles in getting an "official" diagnosis as well as the very limited "benefits" that such will get you. Featured Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay Read the full article

#adhd #audhd #autism #business #discrimination #neurodivergent #neurospicy