#and I know that my dad thinks it’s just a diet issue because he’s said it. out loud. today! but it’s not just that! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

joels-shitty-puns · 7 months

Text

The Key To Your Heart - Track 4

Pairing: Pedro Pascal x Musician!Reader

Gif by:@sh214

Series Summary: After writing your feelings for Pedro into a song, it gains a lot more popularity than expected. Ultimately it brings both criticism and support, with new possibilities around the corner.

*! New warnings will be listed first !*

Series Warnings: 18+ only (MDNI). Mentions of food, weight loss, weight gain, dieting, weighing, potential eating disorder, food guilt. Potential for puns/dad jokes (name of my blog, and the fic) should give that away. This is my first fic which should be its own warning, lol. Also some cursing. Mentions of masturbation (f) maybe more smut later idk. Sadness, reader is pretty depressed. Poor body image. Rude people. Bullying-ish and just lack of support? Anxiety. Age gap! Reader is in her mid 20's, Pedro is current age (48).

Other stuff: Reader is plus sized. AFAB. Inexperienced. Also has a dog, but you can pretend it is another creature probably. Further, in case it isn't clear, italics almost always are the reader's inner thoughts!

Word Count: ~2.3K

Series List: Here!

Miss last chapter? Here!

Hi there! To those of you who have read and are still with me, THANK YOU! I love you all. I'm sorry that my chapters are taking longer and longer. Work has been a bit more hectic lately and I also just had some serious writer's block with this chapter. That being said, it feels a little rough and I apologize if its awful lol. But either way, thanks for hanging in there with me and please let me know what you think! Your comments make me happy!

__________

You groaned, stepping out of bed and drifting towards the bathroom. Your face was sticky and your eyes stung from crying late into the night. It was silly, naive, and frankly stupid… but sometimes you can't control how hard emotions hit. Seeing that Pedro didn't actually watch your video was a let down - to put it mildly. Obviously he's a popular guy. A star. He has better things to do.

You should be grateful he even responded to your Instagram message before. Even though it hurts, surely he has more interesting things to do than message someone like you. Just because you wrote a song and he said he liked it doesn't mean he owes you anything more.

So after a fitful night's sleep, you were utterly exhausted; physically, mentally, and emotionally. Luckily, it was still your weekend and you could rest today.

More like spend the day wallowing in your self pity… you think, disdainfully at yourself.

Looking in the mirror, you notice your puffy eyes. There's some new acne, and a mop of frizzy hair on your head. After using the toilet, you step on your bathroom scale before your shower; a morning routine you started during years of dieting. Another 3 pounds. Up again?!

You look in the mirror, pinching your stomach with a sigh. I guess I shouldn't have had those cookies yesterday…

The food guilt creeps up as you think of the goodies you've eaten recently. Cookies yesterday, fast food the day before. You were bitter that you weren't one of those people that could just magically eat whatever they wanted without gaining an ounce.

But you aren't, and you should know better.

Frustrated with your appearance, you begin your usual internal debate about how to fix it.

Maybe I should go back on the diet…

But the diet caused you so many problems. Remember the stomach issues? The hunger? The lack of joy? Binge eating on cheat days until you were sick?

But! I lost so much weight!

Yeah, until you started gaining weight…

Maybe I didn't cut enough. People said I looked so good. I was *almost* skinny.

Maybe people would like me more if I was skinny… Maybe Pedro would like me if I were skinny. There's no way he would be with me looking like this.

These were the debates that plagued you for months… years… a lifetime.

You showered, tears beginning to flow again as you tried to push out the thoughts. He was probably just busy, but either way you knew you didn't have a chance.

Your friends were right. You were an obsessed fan. It was… concerning, as they said. They pitied you when you felt sad about your feelings. Just find someone you actually have a chance with, they pushed. Someone real.

But... he did message you. Maybe he didn't even know you had an interview yesterday? Maybe he watched it later. You were being utterly ridiculous. It didn't matter anyway.

But what you didn't know was that Pedro felt just as disappointed. He wanted to be the one on your list. The one you loved. He went to bed just as mopey as you did and woke up just the same.

_____

Having washed away your bad feelings as best as you could, you gave Skipper a kiss on his little forehead and made some coffee while scrolling Instagram. You were nervous to see what people had to say about your interview, but you had to face the music eventually.

As you could have predicted, people were running through the potential suspects (or prospects, that is) who have brown curly hair and brown eyes. Some supported you and loved your interview. Others criticized you for being too chicken to show yourself.

You weren't used to this level of attention, and you really weren't sure you enjoyed it. But you were grateful to have your two lives kept separate, your true persona still shaded in privacy.

What you did not predict, was a notification popping up from Pedro, interrupting your scrolling. Forgetting to breathe, you immediately clicked on it. If the message were food from the oven, you would've burnt your hand the way you grabbed it so fast.

Perhaps I should've been a little more chill about opening this so quickly... Oh well.

Pedro Pascal messaged you: "Hey! I watched your interview yesterday. You did fantastic. I know fame is new to you and you're nervous, but you're a natural."

Your heart swelled. He did watch it!! He must have just been busy during the live stream.

You replied: "Pedro! You watched it!?! Thank you so much. That really means a lot to me."

Pedro read your message immediately, but instead of sharing in your level of excitement, he was hit with a wave of confusion instead. She must just be trying to not hurt my feelings. She already knows I watched it.. unless she didn't even notice my name. Or she didn't care enough to look for it…?

He decided to play along with it anyway. "Absolutely, I did. I've had it marked on my calendar since the day it was announced a couple days ago and watched it as it was streamed live."

His response took you by surprise, and then made you angry. If he really watched it, he would know that they gave you a list of the people who watched it live. Why was he lying to you about it?

You started to plan out your response, maybe even send an accusatory comeback, but then you thought about it again.

Why would he lie about it? What would he gain by lying? He messaged you.

With this in mind, you instead chose to take a different approach. One better designed for fishing. One you had to be very careful about, so as not to reveal the fact that you looked for his name.

"Wait!? You watched it live? I didn't see you on the list. You're one of the few people I've spoken to who actually seem genuinely friendly and interested in having a conversation with me. I had sort of hoped you were listening."

There. That doesn't sound too revealing, right? Totally friendly…

Pedro opened your message and was met with both confusion, and something else he wasn't expecting. Hope. Did you look for his name??

Still, he wanted to address the confusion. "You didn't see me on the list? That's odd.. but I'm sure there were a lot of names to scan through. Maybe my name was just buried in that list."

You knew it wasn't buried. He was the only name you looked for. The only name you cared about seeing on that list, not that you'd admit that to him right now. But you also didn't want him to feel that insignificant either.

"There were a lot of names, I'll give you that. But I swear you weren't there. Were you logged into your account? Maybe your Internet crashed, or you missed part of it?"

Instantly he remembered the ten or so minutes that Oscar interrupted him.

Oscar!

"Oh shit! That's it. Oscar barged into my house while I was watching it and I slammed my laptop closed."

"Oscar… Isaac? Wait, why did you slam your laptop closed?"

"Yeah, that's the one. And… I don't know. He just surprised me, I guess. It wasn't a planned visit."

Slamming your laptop closed is an odd reaction to your friend visiting, but okay, you thought.

"So you closed your laptop, and missed a few minutes. And that must have been the moment they pulled the list of viewers."

Pedro replied. "It must have. But I was there, more than happy to listen to what you had to say"

If my name had been on the list, would her answer have been different? When asked whether the man she loved was on the list and she said no, would my name have changed anything? Pedro wanted to ask you these questions. But he couldn't. Not only was he scared, but he also didn't want it to come off as some douchey comment that made you uncomfortable. He wanted to get to know you better, even if just as a friend, and he wouldn't let a silly little crush ruin that.

You sent a response that could be deemed as friendly or neutral, still cautious. "Thank you Pedro. I'm really glad you watched it."

He replied without hesitancy. "Of course. But, I am sorry that your guy wasn't on that list."

He sounds genuine. Not like he's fishing for information like everyone else on the internet. In turn, you decide to be playful with your response. Risky, but still not too revealing. "It's okay. It turns out that list wasn't as accurate as I once thought it was" you typed with a smirk.

"So maybe he was watching after all," Pedro answered.

"Maybe he was."

Pedro soon changed the subject, "I did enjoy hearing about your favorite things, though. You may know this already, but I love movies. Some of the ones you mentioned are a couple of my favorites as well. But as for your favorite books, I haven't read them, but I've been meaning to find a new book to read."

The fact that he was a reader made your heart flutter; the thought of him sitting with a book, his glasses perched on his nose, brow furrowed as he stroked his thumb over his lip in deep concentration. You were overjoyed at the thought of him reading *your* favorite book and potentially having someone to talk to about it. Before you knew it, you had frantically sent multiple excited messages.

You: "Oh! If you read any of my favorite books we HAVE to talk about them!"

Second message: "AGH the first book I mentioned is my favorite, out of all of them. The ending blew my mind. And the characters were just so amazing! Well except for that one guy.. but I won't spoil that…"

Third message: "But my favorite character has the greatest lines!!! Sometimes I like to quote it but nobody else gets it. And the way the author describes the settings is so magical, it makes you want to be there."

Pedro caught himself smiling at his phone, wrapped up in your excitement, as you were finally able to talk to someone about your favorite book. It was adorable how happy you seemed.

He started to type a reply when you sent another message. "Shoot… I'm sorry. I got a little too carried away…"

"Who told you that?"

Huh?

"Who told me what?" You asked.

"Who made you feel like you had to stop talking when you became excited about your interests?"

His question took you aback, but your mind struggled to pinpoint the answer to it. There's been so many people that have told you that over the years. People you assumed were friends. An old crush who didn't like multiple text messages at once. Classmates who would complain or make fun. It was routine.

"Oh. It's not a big deal. It's just something I've heard over the years. But I also know how I get and I don't want to be too much. I'm sorry. I don't want to monopolize the conversation too much either. But hey, you didn't mention, what are your favorite books?" You tried to change the topic.

Pedro felt that protective feeling bubble up in his chest again.

"Over the years!? There have been multiple occasions?" Pedro shook his head, even though you couldn't see through the text. "I'm sorry anyone ever made you feel that way or said anything to imply that your interests weren't worthy of being heard. Fuck them. They should be thankful that you shared your interests."

They should be grateful to hear your beautiful voice get so excited. To get to see your excitement and smile, Pedro thought to himself angrily. He hoped he could someday witness you getting excited over your interests in person too.

"Thank you Pedro. But really, it's okay. I know I get a little… obsessive and crazy, especially with sending multiple texts, so I don't blame them. Haha. :)" you tried to soften the mood.

"I don't want you to ever feel that way with me. I liked hearing you talk about your interests."

You began to type, but Pedro beat you to the punch.

"In fact… if you'd like to talk more," he gave you his phone number. "Feel free to text me, or you can call me too. I like talking on the phone, but I know not everyone does."

Holy shit. Is this real life? Did Pedro Pascal just give me his phone number? And ask me to call him?

Truthfully, your introverted self really didn't like talking on the phone. But the idea of talking to Pedro, hearing his voice on the other end of your phone was too much to handle.

What you didn't realize, was that Pedro wanted it just as bad.

Your fingers danced over your phone keyboard, trying to find the right words for a reply. What do you say when the love of your life (that you didn't think you would ever have a chance with) gives you his phone number?

Pedro watched anxiously as the three dot-dot-dots of typing appeared and disappeared over and over. His heart was racing, and he began to worry he may have overstepped this time.

Why did you give her your number? She's going to think you like her!!!

But you do like her, you idiot, Pedro berated himself.

He ran his hand down his face, waiting for your response in agonizing suspense. But instead of hearing the pop of a notification, his phone began to ring instead, an unknown number displayed on the home screen.

Wait… is that her? Is she CALLING me?!

He answered frantically, practically dropping his phone in the process.

"Hello?"

"Hello? Pedro? It's me.."

You heard him give a breathless laugh before answering with a gentle "Hi."

_____

Thank you for reading!! Let me know your thoughts :) More will be coming soon. I know this is a painfully slow burn lol. Thanks for being patient.

Next chapter! Here

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Taglist: (Want in? Let me know!)

@pedrotonin @starcrossed02 @lightupsketchersperson @cartoon-garbage04 @tyferbebe @maryfanson @gwendibley84 @faithfullyyours2000 @brilliantopposite187 @hc-geralt-23 @jenniferpendragon

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal x you #a! wrote a fic #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal fic #pedro pascal fluff #pedro pascal rpf #pedro pascal smut #pedro pascal x reader #rpf #pedro pascal x musician!reader #pedro pascal x y/n #pedro pascal x plus sized! reader #pedro pascal x afab!reader #key to your heart

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 4 months

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Am I the asshole for watching a movie as a family without including my dad? Writing it out, I think I know the answer, but this has still been bugging me.

Around Thanksgiving I (30s) visited home. It was also a trip to see for my mom (late 60s) for her birthday, so I was there for a few days longer than a Thanksgiving trip would normally account for. My brother (30s) and his wife (30s) visited for her birthday too. My dad (early 70s) was there as well. They've been married over 30 years. Originally I'd planned to take everybody out to see a movie as a birthday present for my mom...but it turned out there was literally nothing at the theater that my mom was interested in at all. The town is pretty small, and the options were limited. So instead, we started out with a nice dinner, and family board game run-through of a trivia game we all thought we'd have some fun with. My mom ended up winning, which is rare and was not deliberate, and it wrapped the game up way faster than we'd anticipated.

My dad immediately went back into the living room after the game ended, openly a little annoyed that mom had won a trivia game based on something he considers himself the family expert in. He watches old reruns of the show he's seen a million times on a loop every day, and it can be pulling teeth to get him to do anything else. It was just a fluke, but something the rest of us considered a pleasant surprise since none of us had expected she'd win. But he was annoyed. Given that it was still early, Mom suggested we find a movie to watch online, so we could all wind down before bed with something the whole family could enjoy.

Dad said no. Now this feels like important context: I...have a lot of problems with my dad. I love him, but he can be extremely emotionally immature. Downright verbally abusive at times. And very petty. I'm in therapy in no small part due to some of the insecurities he instilled in me over the years. I've worked hard to set basic boundaries with him. He also has multiple medical issues, and I'm pretty sure he has untreated depression and other mental health problems he refuses to acknowledge that contribute to him flying off the handle at a moment's notice. That, combined with the fact that my mom will 100% never, ever leave him, because she was raised in a very specific mindset that she's never been fully able to shake...means my brother and I usually have to grit our teeth when he starts ranting/yelling/complaining during a visit, or we'd just end up ruining the day for our mom. She's done so much for us, and we just wanted her to have a good visit. So, that's what I did for most of the trip. I breathed deep when my dad openly mocked my stutter, and refused to get in a fight about it. I stopped myself from getting visibly upset when he tried to feed my cat table scraps even when I told him the cat needs a special diet. On other days I tried to watch his old shows with him, and ignored the sexist comments he'd make about the female leads, all for the sake of keeping the peace.

But, it was Mom's birthday. And she wanted to watch a movie.

And Dad said no.

He refused to give up his marathon of old westerns from 60 years ago to watch a new movie with his family on the big tv in the living room.

My mom seemed disappointed, so I suggested we watch one on my laptop in the kitchen instead. Without my dad, if he really wanted to watch his show instead. She agreed, and my brother, his wife, my mom and I filed into the kitchen, sat in less-than-comfy chairs, and watched a fantasy heist film that I'd thought they would all enjoy. And they did. My brother was pleasantly surprised at the quality of the movie (I'd already vouched for it being good, none of the others had seen it previously) His wife kept making notes for her dnd campaign. My mom found it hilarious, and liked that some actors from another show she liked were in it.

My dad stayed in the living room, watching his marathon.

Partway through the movie, he came in and asked us what we were watching. We told him, and he passed through the kitchen for something he needed, then said that we were being too loud. More context: the kitchen is right next to the living room, but my dad turns the tv up so loud in there it can get physically painful to be in the room with him. He refuses to get hearing aides, and only recently relented on subtitles. He also has a habit of screaming at anyone who tries to talk for a long time when his shows are on and they're in earshot, even if they're in a different room. We thought he couldn't hear it over his tv, and so when he said something we said sorry and that we'd try to keep it down, but we could already barely hear it through the laptop speakers. We already had subtitles turned on to make sure we didn't miss anything. When we told him that, he got even more annoyed. He asked how we'd like it if he turned the tv up so loud we couldn't understand anything, then proceeded to go into the living room and do just that, just as I was trying to figure out how much more we could lower the volume without losing our whole experience. We called in that we were already turning it down, and he finally turned his volume back down as well. We finished our movie, turning the volume down during action scenes and up during speaking scenes so we could actually hear the dialog. We enjoyed the rest of the film, and then people started getting ready for bed, and my mom went to check on my dad. She told me a few minutes later that he was hurt that we'd watched the movie without him. That he felt left out. I told her that he'd had multiple opportunities to join us, and that is was his choice not to watch with us. And honestly, the fact that he wouldn't give up the real tv for a couple hours so she could have a birthday movie was really upsetting to me.

She still seemed to feel bad that he was left out, and I'm a little worried that he might've sulked for days afterwards, leaving my mom in an even more stressful environment after I left. Am I the asshole for insisting my mom get to watch a movie on her birthday? And would I be the asshole if I told my dad off for what I consider to be extremely selfish behavior?

Also before anyone asks, no, I'm not cutting him off. It's literally impossible to do that without pretty much cutting off my mom as well, and she absolutely doesn't deserve that. And yes, I've offered up my apartment as a place she can stay if she ever needs to. Repeatedly. She hasn't taken me up on it yet.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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cuppachar · 7 months

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Rewatching jamie in early season 1 is so hard cause like. I wish they knew what he was going through. I remember being young and hurting and so mean because of it. And it was so not okay of me. But also, I'd see everyone else allowed to be silly and sensitive and emotional and mediocre and I wasn't allowed to be anything but tough, and it made me so mad. And I just want to hug him and tell him I get it, and that it's gonna be okay.

Hi Anon

Thank you for that insight and hearing your experience.

I get you completely - re-watching S1 just reminds me that we do not know what's going on inside other people or know what has happened to them. I think it's why I love that scene with Roy in S3 where he's doing the press conference after Isaac's aggression to the abusive football fan.

'to do what he did today, even though it was wrong, I give him love.'

Knowing some of Jamie's background (and I wish we got more to be honest, but's an ensemble cast with multiple characters who have complex issues and/or dynamics, so it's limited in that regards) and seeing S1 again, it's such a different viewing and understanding of a character and makes Jamie so much more human and real. Jamie isn't just a prick. He's a prick with trauma and reasons.

I don't see cocky prick Jamie who thinks he's best who never passes because everyone else is shit - I see Jamie, who's terrified of what his dad will do to him if he isn't dominant.

I don't see a Jamie who doesn't celebrate his teammate's birthdays and eat cake - I see a Jamie who's been told to treat his teammates as 'assists' and has diet plans that don't include cakes or pastries because he has a weight he needs to keep.

I don't see a Jamie who doesn't want to greet his new teammate - I see Jamie, who flinches at fast movements and doesn't trust easily. I see a Jamie who's realised he's not their only ace anymore, and that terrifies him because of the implications that may have with his father (Imagine the writers hadn't gone down the rehab route for James Tartt Snr in S3 and how Zava's introduction and place in the team would have caused some serious consequences for Jamie, both psychologically and physically).

I don't see the Jamie who cockily refuses to 'practice' - I see a Jamie who shifted into 'I don't like angry men shouting at me' (and at some point pre-canon, I imagine Jamie's hero-worship of Roy was destroyed and tainted when he met 'Shouty, I don't give a shit-Roy-Kent And I'll take out my negative emotions on you, even if you deserve it or not' and Jamie's poster hero , who he'd imagined stepping out of the wall and putting his dad through the said wall was gone and Jamie's automatic response was to be a prick in defence/offence.)

I don't see a Jamie who brought two dates to the auction - I see a Jamie who wasn't sure if he could get Keeley to bid on her own boyfriend, so he brought another plus one instead, terrified that he'd have to have sex with an older woman like those ladies behind the glass windows in Amsterdam. Watching that episode back really icks me out, and seeing Jamie's response back when I first watched it, you could mistake Jamie's reaction to both Keeley and Roy's 'teasing' as Jamie just being mocked and teased, but re-watching it, I see a Jamie who's really uncomfortable with the attention he's getting and upset at his rival and girlfriend cruelly mocking him (of course, they don't know about his experience in Amsterdam) but I'm always struck at how Jamie walks away from the table, from the both of them, because he's upset (and it kind of hits me even more, 'cause I think that Jamie doesn't even know why he's so upset with how much he's suppressed the memory, the implication of what his father orchestrated despite his tender age).

Although, I think they could have had a bit more Jamie and Ted interaction or reflection on Jamie's relationship with his father and/or trauma (because there did seem to have link to Ted's panic attacks, especially when you consider Ted's panic attack during the match in S2, because you can hear Jamie's dad verbally abusing Jamie from the S1 final as Ted spirals, which was really interesting and I only realised this recently) I really do appreciate Ted's "I promise you there is something worse out there than being sad, and that's being alone and being sad. Ain't no one in this room alone" sentiment, but I just really wished he'd reached out to Jamie, because Jamie wasn't just alone and sad, he was scared and traumatised, and although he didn't verbalise it in S2, he obviously had no safe places or people he felt he could turn to, so he not only left the profession he loves, he left the country.

Anyway, my ramble is over.

In summary, you only really get a better understanding of Jamie by re-watching Season 1 and seeing him in a different light after watching S2/S3.

#jamie tartt #character study #he's a traumatised prick cinnamon roll #little prick cinnamon roll #ted lasso tv #ted lasso #roy kent #james tartt #just random thoughts of S1-S3 Jamie Tartt

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is-the-snake-video-cute · 1 year

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Hello! I saw you accept husbandry questions so I thought I might ask about this here.

Almost two weeks ago I bought a around 8 months old male Dodoma Kenyan Sand Boa. I had my corn snake for a while and after reading and watching videos about sand boas and their care I thought it will be a great choice for my 2nd snake. He has been a good eater and a chill little fella when handled but after few days I noticed he has kind of saggy/wrinkly skin. It reminded me of ball pythons who used to be obese but lost weight and have loose skin. Sometimes I can see what I thought might be his spine poking out but it's more of on top of his both sides rather than where spine should be giving him kind of a square shape? Not sure how to describe it. With all that I assumed it's a diet issue and hoped it will get better after few meals. I fed him newborn f/t mice every 5 days (3 meals since I got him, next feeding tomorrow. Ate with no problems so far but didn't really constrict his meal. Seller claimed he eats like a champ and was right).

However I started reading about it more and found out loose skin can be a sign of dehydration and this possibility really worries me. I tried to show him his water bowl but he didn't seem interested and I have no idea if he drinks from it at night (I check on him during the night and only once saw him on the surface). I know sunken eyes are another symptom of dehydration but it's hard to tell because this species has funky eyes and it's the only sand boa I have ever seen in person. Unfortunately I weren't able to take a good photo of these skin folds because they show up when he moves and disappear before I could take a photo or even look at them properly (but if they are necessary to tell what is happening I can try). I only noticed this after already visiting the vet for a check up on the same day I bought him (I saw in one of your posts it's a good idea to take a new snake to the vet and my dad happened to have vet appointment for his gecko on that day. Vet said he looks fine other than some weird dark spots on his belly that they said might be because of the bedding sellers used for him).

Is it possibly dehydration or just my earlier theory of previous weight problems? If it's weight problems is my current feeding schedule fine and if it's dehydration is bath a good idea for this species? Today he started to get lighter which I assume means shed is coming so maybe bath wouldn't be a bad idea but I also saw it's not really recommend for this species. I wouldn't be so unsure in this situation if it wasn't a dry species, it didn't have such unusual anathomy and it weren't a baby. I saw a forum post that said boas just tend to have skin like this as babies but as I said they have strange anathomy so I don't know if this applies to them. I will keep researching but I hoped you might have some suggestions. I want to know if there's anything I need or can do for him.

I would bet every cent to my name that your little guy is just in shed. Sand boas can look pretty wrinkly when they're in a shed cycle, and the recent lightness you've noticed is probably just him getting to the clear stage of the shed. My money is on him shedding in the next few days.

It's very hard to dehydrate a sand boa; if you have water in their enclosure at all and they're eating, it's super rare. I also doubt it's weight-related - snakes at his age don't pack on weight like an older snake could. Young snakes will grow faster if they eat too much, and eating too much while young can cause health problems, but it's super hard to make a baby snake overweight.

I recommend adding a humidity box to his enclosure! They're very easy to make - make a hole in the lid of a food storage container big enough for him to curl up in and fill it with damp moss. That'll help shedding go smoothly (and make sure he never gets dehydrated, too).

If the wrinkles don't clear up within the next week, I'd visit a vet, but I really do think he's just shedding.

#not a rating #snake husbandry #kenyan sand boas

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padawansuggest · 8 months

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Also I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet but apparently this is a thing my fam (my sister and I at least, probably my mom and sorta my dad) is prone to, um. So. I had a chipped tooth before I got the other tooth (infected) out, and after the procedure this one somehow got super cracked worse and that’s caused part of my diet revamp. Trust me, I can handle a hell of a lot more if I could just eat properly on at least one side.

The tooth pulled was upper right (middle but it was the furthest tooth back) and the one with the chip that has now turned into a fucking VALLEY, is lower left in the very back…

I’m not sure if that one will be pulled too. It’s possible they might be able to fill and cap it… but it’s a fairly big chip. Um. Either way. I will also accept donations for that tooth to be fixed too. Again, once more, my family isn’t gonna let me suffer with this, but also just remember that all my content is free on both here and AO3 and tbh it’s really all I got in life other than yarn, a mild gaming addiction for cozy games, and overall trying to keep my body stable at all times. It’s a full time job. I wish it wasn’t. But it is.

But like I said, no one feel guilty for not being able to help, that’s ultimately my and my family’s burden, but I just figured I’d remind you guys here cause I know my year is gonna cause several other big financial issues for my family and then my sister is flying to Cali for Grandma’s funeral and I also desperately wish I could get dad into a dentist too but he refuses to prioritize himself when it comes to medical and like. Yeah. So. I just figured I’d mention the PayPal is in the bio for those of you who genuinely want to help.

If this one needs a root canal I might choose to just get it pulled instead. I can’t do a RC in this town and being in another town, much less knocked out (I would have to be as the drugs aren’t enough for me not to feel it) and stuck there probably overnight with my brother (who is also disabled so it’s not like he can drive me because he can’t and that’s just ASSUMING he’d be able to take me for the night) and then still get a ride back home the next day with a ride service??? Yeah I’m terrified. If it was possible to do a RC here I’d bite it but it just isn’t. Like. Christ.

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irrelevant-ghost · 2 years

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Vent

just venting/rambling on my personal issues recently, just needed to get it out

I'm distancing myself again, and I have too much on my mind. How am I supposed to do anything when in this state? My parents won't understand, so I distance myself and say nothing to avoid confrontation and to avoid the inevitability of them just thinking I'm lazy and a disappointment. I need to get a therapist/psychologist cause my last one got put out of practice, but I'm afraid they won't help with the expenses. I only make $9.50 a fuckin' hour. And my motivation is shit so I haven't even streamed in weeks. I don't know what to do. Oh yeah and I'm most likely autistic and that's why I'm different and "special" (in a not good way), what my mom has said to me my entire life. Also probably have paranoia schizophrenia, my dad admitted that his mom probably had it and so does he, so love that for me. I have so much fucking anxiety, I'm becoming more and more introverted, not wanting to leave my room more and more. I don't want to face my parents when my dad has been constantly telling me i should work out and go on a diet, indirectly calling me fat in my head. I just want to learn to love myself and make myself feel better on my own accord and not his or my mom's. I feel like theyre constantly talking about me to eachother. i dont get any praise, or cheering me on, just "you could do better" "get a better job" "stop sitting around in your room all day" because of this shit im regressing, regressing back into social anxiety and bad state of mind, im trying to keep myself from "falling into the well" (a metaphor a teacher told me in highschool) but its starting to get hard again. Im finding comfort in my friends, and trying my best, but its so fucking hard, its so hard to even call the ballot office to get a new envelope that my mom ruined or to call my gyno to update my health insurance cause i accidentally gave them the one that expired as soon as I needed to see a gyno cause of an ungodly irregular period, its been like 2 months since my visit and I'm just scared i'll be in trouble. i didn't mean to. i wish i was given detailed instructions on how to be a fucking adult and how to get through this kind of bullshit. i wish my parents cared just a little more. i wish it was easier to talk to them...

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rogersstevie · 8 months

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ohhh my god so like after my first meeting with my new primary care idk if i mentioned it or my mom just asked about how much weight i had loss and said she could tell i had lost some which i couldn’t tell but whatever i wasn’t too bothered bc it was relevant in the moment and i know i just need to accept that my family is Like This like i think everyone has struggled with their weight at some point or another and like i basically always have but also accepted that it’s not gonna change too much especially now knowing about my thyroid which ofc is genetic so again we’ve all dealt with it though idk how long it has been affecting me or anything if it’s always kept me from losing much weight or what

BUT like i got to the highest i’ve ever been for a while after college probably bc i was no longer walking places so once i started exercising i dropped a bunch and then basically stayed the same until i had to change my diet the last few months but i really don’t think it’s gonna change much more and hey i’m glad if it lowers my cholesterol but i think after the dramatic change in behavior had me lose like ten pounds it’s gonna stay where it is especially with the thyroid issue and like we live in a society i get it i lowkey care but i just have tried not to let it affect me as it did when i was younger because it is what it is and i wanna wear what i want and have a healthy relationship with food so like i just have a lot of other things to obsess over i am not gonna hate myself over this one

anyway i had just finished eating dinner (a dumb fucking 300 calorie lean cuisine and i have figured out for the most part how to get more calories throughout the day if i’m gonna be eating those) and my dad was just like “how much weight have you lost” and i was like i think i heard that right but i’m gonna ask him to repeat that which he did so he said he could tell and i was like “i don’t know” even though i do and he’s like “you don’t get on the scale?” and i said “i do at the doctor’s” which like i get curious at times but since it usually doesn’t change much i don’t bother checking bc again i don’t wanna obsess and he said he gets on the scale every day and “if i gain 2 or 3 pounds it’s coming right off, i don’t want anything to accumulate” LIKE what kind of thing is that to say there is absolutely an implication there and i guess he may not know about the thyroid thing idk if my mom shared that with him or not but it’s like dude I exercise more than you sooo isn’t that a significant thing i do even if i don’t lose weight about it (and he’s commented multiple times in the past about my eating frozen meals like i don’t comment on your habits why do you think you get to say shit to me about what i do) but i just said that i don’t worry about it too much and left

because like again i know it’s the world we live in but i can’t stand how obsessed everyone is about it and being probably the heaviest (for my height) in my immediate family it’s always just been like damn what do you guys think of me for something i have very little control over like it just makes me sad that they care so much about shit like this and like of all things that must somehow affect how they view me like i really do try not to worry much about it bc it’s been a struggle for like half my life and there’s plenty from growing up that made it such a concern but i just will probably never be thin and like sure they might mean well to comment that i’ve lost weight but will it not be disappointing to them when i inevitably don’t lose more or god forbid gain it back

#personal

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peter-rabbit-esque · 8 months

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TW: EDs, BDD, Body Image, Relationships, Sexuality, Attractiveness:

I'm going through a rough but healing time rn of coming to terms with my past ED and realising that it never really left me, and the mind frames and image issues still remain. This may be extremely triggering for someone with an active ED so please do not read it if that is where you're at. Idc if you think to yourself "mine's not that bad" just don't okay.

If you're a curious ally or someone far into recovery (like years post-recovery) then feel free to read. Thank you for respecting this.

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Logically, I know it's really passe to care about this stuff, but I'm a child of the late 90's who grew up around skinny culture and have been on this hellsite back in its toddler-esque age late 2011/Early 2012.

I developed my ED long before I ever set foot on this platform. Was bullied in Primary school for being overweight, having acne the whole nine yards. Was bullied at home by my parents for overeating. They went on to weaponise my fat in their seperation- blaming each other for their child being deformed.

Felt like I had no refuge where being myself was okay admist all of this. I started skipping lunch in grade 6.

By year 8, the bullying in high school got even worse. Girls and boys hitting me with the "You're fat, ugly and really weird" left and right. And then my Dad said the one thing that cemented it for me. At Easter, I was happily tucking into some chocolate eggs, and my Dad out of nowhere goes "Stop eating those! You have a double chin already!" And among others things berating me for my unhealthy diet. But this was the final straw for me. I was at my mother's house and he had come over to visit (shared custody throughout most of my teens after they split up). Dad had come over to spend time with us for Easter. Though it was always tense between parents, they tried to make it work for me. Many arguments ensued. It sucked BALLS growing up like this. Especially with no siblings and hardly any support from friends, extended family or counsellors. I essentially grew up alone. And I've carried that emotional loneliness with me.

Anyway, that night after my Dad left Mum's place, I snuck into the pantry and destroyed every single chocolate Easter egg and bunny, and chucked them all in the bin. My Mum was horrified when she found them. And I told her what Dad said. I'm pretty sure she started crying and sent him an angry text. But in classic Dad fashion, he either defended or denied it, can't remember at the time what his angle was. If you've ever read "the narcissists prayer", that was his MO. "If I did say it, you took it the wrong way, and if I didn't say it, you're imaging things and you're crazy, but if I did say it, it was for you're own good" etc. etc. Anyone who's dealt with gaslighting will know what this feels like. It's exhausting. But anyway. After this incident I was determine to no longer have a double chin, and no longer be seen as fat and ugly by everyone in my life. I bought a set of scales with my pocket money and started getting up everyday before school at 5am to do home workouts. I won't go into detail of what I did because I don't want to promote or inspire someone. But it kept up for over 6 months. And in this time I took the skipping lunch thing to a whole new level. I'm worried about what to say here without being too triggering. I basically just didn't eat anything the whole day at school. And would only drink water. I even got to a point where I was afraid water would stretch my stomach. But I got over that when I became so constipated I couldn't go for 5 days and had to be put on Pyslium husks and gentle laxatives, which my parents were afraid I would abuse. That was the bizarre thing about my ED.

My parents (as well as my peers, but mostly my parents) literally caused it. Especially my Dad. And yet they STILL refused to take responsibility for how their constant criticism and fat shaming led me to that point. And even when I was losing weight, doing the one thing I thought they wanted from me. They still weren't happy. It was such a punch in the gut to realise this: that nothing I ever did would make them stop abusing me.

And it made me so depressed that I used my ED to try and slowly die.

I just can't believe how they couldn't see that they were killing me. I can't believe how the ED team that ended up treating me couldn't see that my parents were killing me. My Dad put so much pressure on me to be thin, pretty, a good Christian, get the best grades possible (all A's and B's) be nice to everyone, never complain, not be sexual and save myself for marriage, not date, not talk to boys, but also not be gay and like girls either....

When we found out I'm into boys and girls he was so deeply hurt and angry that it led to a confrontation where I threatened su*cide and he threw it back in my face and said he wanted to kill himself as well because I'm bisexual

God. I think I will stop there because I'm just so tired. People don't get how EDs come from so much trauma.

People don't get that genuinely abusive and mentally fucked up parents do exist.

I'm sick of people saying to "just get over the past" or "You're parents meant well and you'll understand when you're older" when they have no idea what you've actually dealt with. NO they fucking didn't mean well, and NO I WILL NEVER understand how you treat a child, you're own flesh and blood like an object to be molded into perfection and chastised when they don't live up to your every request.

Narcissistic parents are real. And they cause these EDs and mental illnesses in their children.

My Dad is the reason that when I think about my last two relationships, and see that my exes both ended up with much thinner girls after dating me, that my weight is the reason I'm alone. That I'll never be as good or pretty or as desirable as those thin coquetteish girls. That I'm worthless in comparison to them.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

#extremely triggering #and personal #ED #tw #cw #proceed with caution #long text #blog #abusive parents #childhood trauma #life experince

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onceinlovewith · 9 months

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Everything

I suppose I don't really know why I started a tumblr again. Maybe I'm just looking for an outlet. I've tried journaling, but I think I end up more concerned about my handwriting than with what I'm actually writing.

I think the best way to sum everything up right now is to say that I am overwhelmed with life. I can't seem to catch a breath or a break. I saw an old post on my Facebook from 2016. It said "I've been drowning for so long I've forgotten how it feels to breathe" And I am right back in that same feeling, possibly even worse off.

My dad is a vegetable, whom I still can never forgive for all the shitty things he's put me through. My mom is... well... my mom. I've got one brother who is going to drink himself into an early grave, if other issues don't get to him first. My other brother is already on dialysis at the age of 31, and I worry about him every day because he works too much and exhausts himself to the point that he doesn't wake up at night when his blood sugar drops.

And me? I'm 38. I'm in stage 4 kidney failure, doing my damn best to stay out of complete failure as long as possible. I've gone blind multiple times thanks to diabetes. I'm terrified for myself that I'll go low and won't be able to save myself in time. I'm on a kidney failure diet that keeps me from eating pretty much anything, yet I'm still struggling with my weight. My meds make me feel like shit. I struggle constantly with anxiety and depression, all at the same time. My relationship brings me happiness, but it also brings me insane amounts of stress and worry; in part because of the consequences of my past actions, but also because it is full of insecurity and instability. I can't have kids, and that rips my fucking heart out every single day of my life.

I'm terrified of dying, yet at the same time I can never shake the feeling that I am not going to live very long, and I think that those feelings lead me to make poor decisions. I am desperate to have someone in my life to take care of me. But because I've never had that, anything that even slightly resembles someone taking care of me makes me feel guilty and useless and like a burden.

I don't know how I make it though every day.

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noctomania · 1 year

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Relationship to Food

Many of us can relate to it being complicated. Some self imposed, some imposed by circumstances, perhaps even a blend. On top of that how people will turn it into something personal if you don't respond to or relate to food the way they expect you to.

I had to kind of chastise my friend when I visited bc he tried to joke about my limited pallet and the kids menu. I said I wish they didn't label it that way because some people legitimately cannot eat anything else on the menu and it's kind of humiliating even to those who are most confident.

Perhaps you have a combination of issues and/or preferences? Perhaps a celiac vegan, or you have sensory issues and allergies to peanuts and shell fish? How does it hurt you how I maintain my diet? It's complicated as is in house, I don't need neighbor's input further complicating it with societal expectations.

Besides all that there is NO WAY to make everyone else happy AND keep yourself happy on this topic. Someone is always going to have a problem. If you choose to listen to any of them you might not eat at all! The only people who get any input on my food intake are medical professionals and even then I remain skeptical and need to know the reasoning (its thus far only ever been for prep for surgery). And if I want proper input that is the kind of advice I would seek, not friends or family or strangers online.

It gets under my skin so bad when people involve themselves with others diet. It's part of why i have such disdain for pushy veganazis (my friend is vegan so i can say it also idgaf some yall unjustly act like serious terrors sometimes).

Don't tell me what to eat or not to eat.

Don't touch my food.

Don't force me to eat something.

I am pretty confident I have some level of trauma around food both from food insecurity as well as from being forced to gag on food to appease others (parents). It wasn't often or many times but it was enough times. God help you if you try to put black eyed peas in front of me I might get violent at the sight because that was a yearly fucking SUPERSTITIOUS THING. I felt so fucking insane that I sat there with everyone at the table staring at me forcing me to "just eat one! Just one for good luck then we will leave you alone!" HOW ABOUT YOU JUST LET ME EAT WHAT I WANT YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATHS. Who does that?!?!??!?! YEARLY?!?

It's not ok. Especially with children one because they are so impressionable it can have terrible impact but also two because they may grow out of it and third because even if they don't grow out of it you should be willing and become able to help them not hurt them. Teach them to cook the things they do like so they can always have it even if you need to cook something else or give them recipe books and teach them how to adapt recipes to fit their limitations. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s i think that i realized how much i could change. it's extra work but it's worth it to feel that empowerment.

I think I've kind of dealt with ED all my life in a way, never was it meant as an active choice. When I was a kid I barely ate bc I think of anxiety reduced appetite and there was some food insecurity at mom's house. When I got into my teens and moved to dad's I had more consistent food access but my diet was already so fucked up from about a decade of not being able to eat breakfast, which led to usually not eating much more than a bag of chips all day until the evening in high school. Then I would end up essentially crashing, going home, and binging. Nobody said nothing, i just became known as pudge. The timing was such that I guess they just assumed it was puberty making me suddenly fat when i had been a twig all my childhood. Then i tried to become a vegetarian on top of everything else. I'm surprised I lived through freshman year of college, but it was primarily because i was ignorant about how to be vegetarian so I was pretty much living off caesar salads until i realized they had anchovies in the dressing then I gave up bc wtf lol

Im still working on my relationship with food which is now complicated by being nocturnal for work. so. this is a very touchy subject for people like me. You're lil "harmless" comment about the "kids" menu and "chicken nuggies" might end up being the fucking last straw so just keep it to yourself. And no, you eating all the time because you are hypoglycemic does not mean you relate to me - this isn't about you (this is a targeted comment towards a specific person i know, im not referring to everyone who is hypoglycemic just fyi!!).

#eating disorder mention

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perfectlypinkduck · 2 years

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Fictional novel

See, the thing with Brad and her was that when Brad was 24 ish and she's in that same age range too.

Brad, was doing drugs and he told her that he liked a certain girls body who was a full blown junkie and look like skin over bones stretch tightly.

His new girlfriend was healthy and skinny with curves and long fire red curly hair and blue eyes.

She looked good and he ruined her that day when he made that statement.

She was working out at home full cardio exercise for an hour and sometimes an hour and a half.

She started not eating right now and loosing weight fast.

She went through her whole entire life time with eating issues.

Had kids and did diet pills after the third one because she couldn't get rid of her weight fast enough.

One diet after another one diet doctor after another and she had to be thin because after what he said to her all of those years ago it ruined her self esteem and she was never happy how she looked ever again.

She learns her body and how to control it and would eat protein and small amounts of everything.

Her dad busted her out one day and she had to come clean about what Brad said to her.

Her dad lost his mind all over the place.

She was under 24 hour watch after that.

He cooked he made sure she was eating normal. She was never allowed to go to the bathroom alone for a long ass time because she was throwing up everything that she was eating.

No one else knew about this till right now this very moment because she has to make him Brad to understand what her issues with him is.

Don't sing shit that is all of your fault to start with.

No one knew till her dad was seeing her drop more weight than needed.

He threatened her with going to stay at a clinic for her problem if she doesn't stop throwing up everything that she was eating.

She started being able to eat and hold food down and it took over a year for her dad to get off her ass about it.

He never stopped watching her even to the day he died.

He was dieing and he made her promise him to never go back to throwing up when he was not there to take care of her anymore.

Family secrets you bet, boyfriends can fuck you up mentally and emotionally when they choose the junkie girls over you.

We are all responsible for what we say to all people.

My dad's headstone read, you never know how you affect people.

Now I know why, everytime I go to see him I reread that and he's just reminding me that Brad was wrong to tell me that.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CLUE HOW MUCH BRAD SAYING THAT TO ME HURT ME OVER MY LIFE TIME.

God, my mom was thin and I mean thin and I was wearing her clothes.

What the fuck was Brad saying to me.

My mom had a beautiful body and she knew it to.

The fact that some of her skinny skinny clothes were to big on me said a lot.

Guys be careful what you say to your girlfriends and wife's .

You can easily fuck them up especially if they love you so much like I did then with Brad.

I am going through this shit with him now.

My past hurts and inner damage.

If my dad had not took over my life way back when I probably wouldn't be here now.

Forgiveness is what is going on here right now.

I don't care what you are going through guys never ever tell her that she isn't enough because she is not skinny like a dope head skanky bitch is.

He didn't use those words but he loved the skanky bitch body and he said he did.

I weighed myself self the next day at the doctos I was 5'3'@ 110 pounds.

Thanks to him I went to 105 to 102 pounds and my dad started seeing this and made me talk.

My clothes did not fit me anymore.

Be careful guys you have the ability to do more damage with a few words than you think.

If you love her make sure she knows it and don't do drugs and drink guys because one it's wrong. Keep your self clean and healthy because you start talking out your ass when you get messed up and two she believes in every thing that you are saying to her.

True story

I watched the music video

When love and hate collides

I lost my mind all over him

He said, this video was the only way he could expect his feelings to me.

Asshole, you would have never lost me if you have never said that to me.

So, don't tell me that you are hurting because I left your ass.

That song sucks!

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diavolosthots · 3 years

Note

Hey dear! I hope that you have a good time! I want to make a request, but please delete it if you don't feel like doing it.

I saved that request in the notes and been waiting for you to open them 😊

For request

First fight with brother (any of your choice) and one of them (I mean MC or that brother) thinks that it's end of relationship (because never had anything serious), but they reconciled in the end. I want some heavy angst with happy ending. MC can be GN if that is OK.

If you don't mind you can do for Mammon, but feel free to choose another one if you don't feel like write for him. Or if that would be better to write as headcanons for all the brothers. That's up to you!

I haven't been doing requests for ages. Please don't hate me if there is something wrong! I've read the rules, and I hope I haven't missed anything.

Anyway, sorry for long ask. And thank you for your writings!

(I forgot to look if you did anything similar, and remembered it at the end of writing that ask. Sorry if you already did something like that!)

Hey babes ❤ I did end up doing HCs for all of them because I thought it would be cooler (or more like I know someone is gonna request separate fics for all of them if I dont and I'm saving myself that trouble lol) I still hope you like it ! ❤ also this got SUPER LONG so its under a cut

Warning: angst -> happy ending-ish

THE BROTHERS in a fight with MC and thinking that they’re over (yikes)

Lucifer:

Everyone always says Lucifer is quick to lose his cool but he’s honestly been nothing but patient with you. He may have hinted at several things he doesn’t condone and he definitely has that ‘look’, you know the disappointed dad look, but he has held back a lot so as to not ruin the beautiful relationship you have with him. Everyone snaps, though, and when he finally did, it was ugly. He did NOT call you names, but oh he didn’t. He went straight for your feelings and pointed out every mistake you ever made for as long as he’s known you. Ouch. In his defense, you weren’t nice either. The argument ended nasty and ‘I hate you’s!’ were definitely thrown around, but none of them were meant, right? Goodness, he doesn’t know. After you left, he threw himself on his bed, literally, and just stared at the ceiling. His anger slowly fled away and he began to feel… guilty. Not necessarily because of the argument itself, but because he delivered some low blows and he knows that. Are you over? Done with him? You haven’t texted or called or talked… you’ve been actively avoiding him and he doesn’t like that, but his pride is such an issue, goodness. He can’t straight up apologize, that dickhead, but he’s sending you flowers and standing in front of your door with a sad face that says it all.

“Forgive me? I made reservations at your favorite’s? We can talk over a nice dinner?”

Mammon:

Mammon is known to get mildly agitated over the silliest things, let’s be real. He’s also quick to revert to the “are you dumb?!” argument, which is never effective. But he loves you and he would do anything for you so even if you do do something that he deems ‘dumb’, he usually bites his tongue. Doesn’t mean that doesn’t get on his nerves, though, and he definitely has a short temper, although people tend to overlook that. You just managed to push his buttons today and he used the “are ya stupid?!” argument, to which you obviously defended yourself, and rightfully so. This ended in a massive screaming match and him saying “Then leave! Ain’t nobody keepin’ ya with me!” He regretted it the minute those words left his mouth and you could see his eyes grow wide in shock at his own words, but that didn’t mean you stayed. “MC!” he tried running after you immediately but you were faster and honestly, who can blame you? He fucked up, and he knows it, and he feels terrible about it. Honestly, he’s crying just at the mere thought of you taking his words seriously and he can’t… he can’t bear to lose you, you know? What’s he gonna do? You’re the light of his life, as pathetic as that may sound to some…. So he won’t let you run away. Homie will hunt you down and beg for forgiveness.

“Please, MC! Forgive me! I’m dumb, not you!!! Don’t leave me…” Don’t leave him. He will continue crying.

Leviathan:

His constant need to put himself down is frankly, quite annoying. To you anyway. But you put up with it and just reassure him that, at least to you, he’s the most amazing demon that ever existed. It’s just facts. But a person only has so much patience, right? You can’t always spend your days trying to lift him up when all he does is dig himself a bigger hole. Who has the emotional time for that? You sure don’t. “Oh my God, Levi! Shut up! I can’t take it anymore!” Followed by “See! You’re just like everyone else! Leaving me!” and then you slamming the door to his room shut. It’s frustrating and understandably so. It makes you feel awful that you can’t even make your own boyfriend feel good about himself and get at least a little bit of self confidence and it’s so, so, so very draining to have to constantly listen to that. At this point, it’s affecting your own mental health and you just… you just can’t…. But Levi can’t lose you because he knows you’re right. He has to work on himself if he wants to keep someone as amazing as you with him and that’s why he’s crawling back to you now.

“Look I… I know you’re right… I’m sorry. I promise I’ll … I’ll try. For you.”

Satan:

For being the Avatar of Wrath, you always admired Satan for his ability to keep cool. He prefers the relaxed and easy going life much more than the type of life people expect him to live, and you respect that. That doesn’t mean his constant need to one up Lucifer, through whatever means necessary, didn’t bother the hell out of you, though. You tried talking to him about it once or twice in a calm manner, but you always got the same answer “Pfft.. it’s Lucifer. Who cares?” And it never sat right with you. Just today he decided to pull a prank on the eldest and you had enough, standing in front of Lucifer and letting the bucket of cursed green slime land on you instead, to everyone’s shock. “What are you doing?!” Now that you’re thoroughly green from head to toe, you were also beyond pissed. “What am I doing?! What are YOU doing?!” But Satan matched your anger tenfold, accusing you of favoring Lucifer over him and oh! “You probably got an affair with him, too!” Which was a stupid thing on his part, but it looked like it the way you defended him. Anger doesn’t even begin to describe the emotion you felt running through you and had it not been for Lucifer, you probably would’ve physically fought Satan for such a dumb accusation. Lucifer took you to get cleaned up and lifted the course, giving you your natural skin and hair color back within a few days and plenty of scrubbing, and Satan felt like shit. You’ve always been there for him and, rationally speaking, he didn’t have a reason to doubt your loyalty to him, but he just can’t help but feel insecure beside Lucifer…. He decides to come apologize anyway, a deep blush on his face and guilt in his eyes

“I’m… sorry for accusing you. It wasn’t my right to speak out of anger and jealousy…”

Asmodeus:

How can anyone fight with the Avatar of Lust? Seriously, the guy is super easy going and he loves pretty much everyone. Not as much as himself, but almost. You on the other hand… you didn’t. Well you didn’t NOT love him or yourself, but you were just… you. You didn’t spend 4+ hours in the bathroom trying to get ready when you knew you were only going to the kitchen down the stairs. Like?? Although you never brought it up to Asmodeus, he constantly bothered you about skincare and what foods to eat and what not to eat, etc… It’s quite annoying, honestly, and at some point you just gave him a passive aggressive “Okay, whatever. Can we move on now?” To which he didn’t take lightly. He was still nice and sweet, trying to convince you that at least one of these things will make your skin glow brighter than a unicorn’s ass but you just had enough. “Can you stop?! You’re indirectly saying I’m ugly without that shit ton of product in my face and a diet that would make me starve before it helped me! If you want a skinny VS angel that barely holds onto their skeleton, get one!” It was more hurt and frustration speaking than anything, but your outburst still shocked him and he was taken aback for a moment. And then you ignored him for a week straight and as someone who thrives off of attention, especially the kind he gets from you, he can’t handle that! So he showed up in your room in sweats and a tshirt and messy hair and no product on his skin.

“You’re right… we’re all naturally beautiful…. Wow that… that really hurts to say MC but can you forgive me?”

Beelzebub:

Oh the sweet, sweet angel. He’s far from innocent and you know that. We all know that. But for this story, I will give him the benefit of the doubt. His reliance on Belphegor is just really… annoying. Belphegor this, Belphegor that. “Belphie used to…” or “Belphie said….” or “one day when Belphie and I….” Like why does everything have to include his twin? It’s so annoying and so rude when your significant other is right here !!! and planning their own future with you, Beel, thanks. It makes you feel less than and like Belphegor will always come before you. It makes you feel like shit, quite frankly, and who is to blame you? “Hey MC did I tell you what Belphie---!” “No! Shut up! I don’t care! It’s always about Belphie! The day you come to me and don’t let that name drip from your tongue is the day Jesus comes back to save me and we both know that will be never! I’m tired of always being stuck with Belphegor! We are not equals!” Granted, you shouldn’t have yelled and Beel was more than confused at your outburst, but you wouldn’t talk to him anymore after that so he left you alone. He thought you may need an hour or two, maybe a day tops, but that day turned into a full week and he even lost his appetite just because he knows you’re angry with him. It’s been a week, does that mean you’re over? His heart aches just at the thought…

“I’m sorry for bringing Belphie up… I don’t want you to feel less than, MC. You mean a lot to me and so does Belphie, but you’re not Belphie and I need to learn that…”

Belphegor:

Honestly it’s a miracle he hasn’t lost his temper at you yet. Well, he partially blames it on his own laziness because if being angry or getting upset didn’t take so much energy out of him, maybe he would’ve snapped by now lol, but he tries really hard not to because he thinks your relationship with him after everything is pretty good, considering yall kiss and snuggle and fuck on a regular basis. But anyway, that’s exactly the issue. Considering everything, you’re still holding *that* against him. It’s never direct either, which makes it worse. It’s always said in a joking manner and something like “haha look it’s just like that one time you killed me” or “Beel’s grabbing that ham like you grabbed my throat” or “I remember seeing jesus for a moment there” and it agitates him. It makes him so angry, and he finally snapped. “I know I fucked up MC! Stop holding it against me! What do you want? A medal of honor? A survivor's certificate? Maybe a pat on the back for developing some sort of Stockholm syndrome that made you come back to your abuser?!” And then he left. And you may have cried both from confusion and your own anger, he isn’t quite sure. It’s just so…. Aggravating. He can’t deal with it. He knows it was a mistake spurted by his own insecurities and survivor’s guilt which ultimately led to his hatred but please, stop holding it against him.. He can’t keep putting up with it from the person he’s grown to love. He’s the one ignoring you and he won’t budge either because he’s a stubborn ass, but maybe if you come up first…

“I’m sorry for yelling at you… I’m just so tired for it being held against me… I love you, and you should know that, and I do feel guilty about what happened.”

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #cheys headcanons #asmodeus obey me #belphegor obey me #mammon obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me beelzebub #tw angst

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fallingsunflower · 2 years

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He clearly gravitates towards older figures, which from a psychological viewpoint is interesting given how young he was when he left home, and he was the youngest child and youngest in the band, in terms of the dynamics he feels most comfortable in. //

Here’s my psychological take. I think Harry gravitates towards older people because he did grow up young, but even before the band. There’s an interview where he says, “from the age of ten it was always protect mom” he also worked he said to help out around the house. Being parentified at a young age can lead kids to be highly perfectionistic and control freaks a lot because they are trying to stabilize a household when they don’t have that capability. Idk if management restricted him like people think. Harry struggles with perfectionism and control and this definitely showed up in the band. He was always the most well spoken and serious in interviews. He’s always been highly aware of how’s he’s perceived. In RS his friend talked about his rigid workout routine and Harry talked in an interview about how he writes out to do lists the night before and likes routine. These are hallmarks of control issues. Because if he has a plan then he can be in control and he’s safe as long as he’s in control. All these older friends gave him the chance for a family he never had. They all seem to be in stable relationships. I think Harry has been looking for that strong family unit through a lot of people. He didn’t have that as a kid. He may love his mom but Anne and Des have each been married multiple times. Des said he saw his kids every few weeks and right after Des moved out when H was 9/10, his mom got married and they moved and H lived above a pub where he learned he could get attention, which I think he rarely got at home, by performing. Idk timelines but ex stepdad said he was in their lives for six years. So not a lot of break between second guy and Robin. Cox is his ex step dads last name. Yes fame did a number on Harry but he was the perfect kind of person to become famous. Because of his childhood he learned to find worth in performing and through 1D that became workaholism. Working stabilizes him. I don’t think people understand the true toil the pandemic took on him. There’s a reason he couldn’t be alone. He grew up with no stable base so traveling around wasn’t that different. I also agree with asks after this. I think Harry has way more insecurities about his looks than people think. I think he lost a lot of weight because he became controlling with his diet and part of that is tied to weight. He is working in fashion more and I just. There are past interviews where he commented on his younger body having some extra weight or something and it’s just he’s very very aware of his looks. I don’t think he sees himself the way the world does. Looking back to what we know about his first gf before 1D he wrote her this poem that just shows how undeserving of love he felt. Like it’s very sad. It’s in all his songs. Don’t leave me. Don’t let me go. I think he’s got intimacy and commitment issues because he’s scared to get hurt and I think that’s part of what’s ruined every relationship. He’s learning to be vulnerable and accept his full self but that’s not easy. Think he’s doing phenomenal but there’s a lot to impact and this doesn’t even include his sexualization by older women and men (including fans). There is so much disturbing porn of H on this site. Like can you imagine strangers drawing pictures of you fucking your coworker and then you have to keep working with them and you’re barely legal? Then he’s had his privacy invaded and been stalked, mobbed and harassed. I mean man. This is why I don’t understand how people can say H is an asshole. I’m like maybe they can’t see all this pain in him but it’s like a flashing light to me, always has been. He’s been through so so much and people act like he should be fine and happy and diminish it because he barely talks about it. But like he said. It doesn’t work like that. Yeah he has money and fame and success but I have a feeling those type of things don’t fulfill him. I’m sure he feels very empty and broken a lot like he alludes to in his music. I’m honestly so in awe of him and how he deals with all this so we’ll and then comes out being all profound in interviews.

I love my psychological friends here lol

No but seriously, I agree. I really feel bad for him and cut him some slack for this reason. It's easy to get angry and yes, certain things are justifiable. But I don't understand why some people make him out to be this man whore who sleeps around and doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Babes is very complex. I could talk about it for a while, with the risk of being a bit much about it. But I think he's a wonderful person - just has a lot going on and there's a reason for that.

I'm sorry, and I'm going to say it, I think his relationship with Caroline Flack caused him some issues. I also think Nicole Sherzinger could be added to that, and any woman in their mid thirties hitting on a teenage boy. And perhaps Harry knows that and that's part of why he's struggling. I have some strong opinions on this I've been trying to keep at bay.

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maxwell-grant · 3 years

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Red of Overly Sarcastic Productions once said :"If you can imagine your Batman comforting a shared child, then congratulations, you're righting Batman. If not, you're just writing the Punisher in a funny hat". This got me wondering: could the Shadow comfort a scared child?

Could he? You forget who was there to lift young Bruce to his feet at his first brush with death (sadly far from his last).

But it's an interesting question to pose still, because children were straight up not in the pulps, not in any I've read, and I can't recall any episodes of the radio show that feature them much (there's gotta be at least a few, because they had everything in that show). The most interaction I think The Shadow's ever had with children (from comics that I can discuss here, because Marshall Rogers' "Harold Goes to Washington" is way, way too much for me to go into right now, and the less I talk about some other DC comics, the better) is in the Street & Smith comics.

There's Jerry from the Devil Kyoti arc, a kid who was traumatized by an encounter with the villain who Sayre's looking after and who ends up having some kind of hidden power that allows him to see The Shadow and defeat the villain. There was a blonde Jerry who showed up later in the Monstradamus arc, but he isn't a kid so much as he's diet Jimmy Olsen or a replacement for Harry, but he had weird eyesight-based powers and a familiarity with The Shadow, so I assume it's the same character.

There was also Donald Jordan - Shadow Jr, and okay, I may have to talk more about this weird little failed experiment some other time, but the basic gist of it is that The Shadow had a friend in Tibet named Harry Jordan (and someday I'm also gonna write about the weird prevalence and significance of the name "Harry" in The Shadow's mythos in and out of universe) who was murdered, leaving his son orphaned and with nowhere to go. And, I'll admit that I have a real weakness for The Shadow calling people "son", which he does a lot in this story.

And as you can expect, it then turns out that the kid's also learned how to cloud minds and has basically the same powers The Shadow has in these comics, and they solve the mystery of his dad's murder together, and yeah, you can absolutely tell that they are setting up this kid to be The Shadow's Robin. Although, interestingly, they don't have The Shadow actually recruit the kid, instead it's Jordan who asks The Shadow if he can go with him and join his mission, and Cranston even states he's going to have to "earn" his way

"Must I stay here, sir? It will always remind me of dad - I'd like to devote my life to your fight against evil and evil doers!

Now, "Shadow Jr's" career was incredibly short-lived, it only lasted for about two other issues, and I have no idea what happened in his final appearence called "Snake Eyes" in Shadow Comics #77, I cannot find that issue anywhere and I really want to. But the one other solo story of his I've read was...well, I think it kinda illustrates why the idea of The Shadow having a Robin was doomed from the start.

...Yeah. Even The Shadow at his most sanitized and family friendly is still The Shadow, and there's no room for children in his network, obviously he shouldn't and wouldn't have children be in those positions or make decisions expected from grown-ups who have already had encounters with death and danger, why would anyone do that-

The only instance I can think of The Shadow interacting with a child in the pulps was during The Prince of Evil, when he has to rescue a young boy from Stark's thugs.

Cranston, dazed, tried to stagger to his feet. Before he could do so, the thug had picked up the limp figure of the boy and was darting out into the street. There was a scream of horror from pedestrians.

A heavy truck was racing at top speed along the avenue. Straight into the path of the truck, the thug threw the senseless boy!

The driver of the truck jammed on the brakes. But it was too late to halt the heavy vehicle. The broad-tired wheels rolled toward the limp head of the lad on the pavement.

An instant before it could crush out his life, Lamont Cranston dived headlong into the path of destruction. His shoulder struck the boy, rolling him toward the curb. A quick wriggle, and Cranston swerved aside from the grinding death that loomed over him.

He picked up the boy. One glance and he knew there was no time to lose. The attempted killer had leaped into a waiting sedan and had already made his escape.

The boy was all Cranston could see or think about. Brass knuckles had fractured his skull. He had suffered a concussion of the brain. A glance at his bluish lips and the fixed glaze of his staring eyes told Cranston that unless the boy was operated on immediately, he would die.

A leap, Cranston was in his car. He laid the boy gently on the seat beside him, then headed the car toward the nearest hospital. Traffic lights were ignored.

The boy was taken to an emergency operating room and a skilled surgeon went to work. When it was over, Cranston asked only one question: "Will the child live?"

"Hard to say. We'll do our best."

"Spare no expense. Put him in a private room. Engage day and night nurses."

Cranston's face was pale. He knew that he himself was indirectly responsible for the boy's attack. A supercriminal had made a prompt answer to Cranston's message over Jackson's telephone. That telephone must have been tapped. The attempt to kill the boy was a vicious warning for Lamont Cranston to mind his own business about the Harmon family. It was a follow-up of the attack on Jackson's dog.

Cranston felt a surge of hot anger. He kept it under control while he answered routine police questions. He told all he knew - which was nothing.

He had only one angry thought. He intended to drive straight to the office of David Chester. He'd get the truth out of the sleek Chester, if he had to batter him with vengeful fists!

Cranston was actually halfway to Chester's office before common sense returned to him. He realized he had lost his sense of balance. He was behaving exactly as the crooks wanted. He was playing their game, not his!

He parked, and the hot rage drained slowly from him. He stopped thinking about the limp figure of a young lad on a white operating table.

This is definitely because Tinsley writes the character differently than Gibson, but I actually cannot think of another occasion where we got to read about The Shadow actively wanting to hit someone with his fists. It's very, very rare to read about The Shadow actually getting mad in the first place in such an undignified way. And I think with this passage, you'll start to notice a pattern.

The problem isn't that The Shadow cannot interact with kids or that he can't comfort them, he does it to his agents and adults he wants to help just fine, he knows how to address people in their language, or any language. The problem is, The Shadow is constantly surrounded by danger everywhere he goes, because he is The Shadow. He can be any number of things at any number of occasions, but usually, when The Shadow shows up, it's usually because people are going to die, and people are going to kill, and it's his job to address that and work the scales.

Children should not be anywhere near this, and if The Shadow's interacting with a child, it usually means that some grave danger or tragedy fell upon them, and he's here to either prevent greater tragedy or address the fall-out, and he'd be the first to agree that neither of these options should be happening at all. It doesn't mean he's not gonna do what's right and give life and limb to protect them, but, it shouldn't be up to the Boogeyman to look after them in the first place. Maybe it shouldn't be up to the Boogeyman to protect us.

But then again, as I mentioned when I talked about my own reasons for liking The Shadow so much, there are many kids who would like nothing more than to have the Boogeyman by their side to protect them. There's comfort in knowing that the scariest man in the room is unconditionally there to protect you, and that is the comfort that The Shadow gives best. Not as Cranston, not under a friendly face, but as what he is.

Due to a lack of scenes from the pulps or satisfying scenes from elsewhere, I will instead be pulling one from a fan story written by Kimberly-Murphy Smith, editor and writer of The Hot Cornerm where The Shadow rescues a child who was kidnapped for blackmail. I couldn't care less that it's fanfic, and if you do, come back in 20 or so years after The Shadow's been made public domain and it's gonna be just as official as anything licensed (on my “to write about” list: how fickle the separation between “official” and “fanfic” is, and the many times it plainly didn’t exist). There’s aspects of her writing I don’t care for, but I really like this scene and I do think The Shadow’s more gentle interactions with people are necessary to getting the character.

Annabelle.

She stopped crying for a minute. "Who's there?" she said, her voice choked.

A friend. Your mommy and daddy sent me to pick you up.

"Mommy? Mommy's here?"

Sh-h-h. Annabelle felt a gloved hand gently stroking her hair. She's waiting for you at home. So, we need to hurry up and leave.

"'kay." She looked around. "Where are you?"

It's kind of hard to see me. It's dark in here, plus you've been crying so much your eyes probably hurt.

"Yeah."

Don't be afraid. I'm here to help.

"'kay."

The implicit trust of children was simply amazing at times. Adults trembled in fear of The Shadow's wrath, but children somehow seemed to understand that he was there to help them, even if they couldn't see him.

Sit up, Annabelle. I'm going to pick you up. Be very quiet.

One hand took each of her arms and guided them around a neck she could not see. "Why are you wearin' a blanket?" she asked as the fabric of his cloak brushed against her shoulders.

Sometimes I get cold at night.

"Even in the summer?"

Even in the summer. He gently stroked her cheek and wiped away her tears. Now, you need to be very quiet so those bad men in the next room don't hear us. I'll bet you're tired.

She nodded.

He rocked her on his arms, projecting a very gentle hypnotic relaxation into her with his powers as he did. You probably didn't get your nap, either. Poor thing. Lean on my shoulder and go to sleep. And when you wake up, you'll be back with Mommy and Daddy.

She yawned, then snuggled against his shoulder and went to sleep.

The Shadow sighed with relief. Now to get past the men out front. He gently pulled the pistol out of its holster under his left arm and slipped it into the belted waist of his overcoat within easy reach, then secured his grip on Annabelle and draped his cloak over her.

She clutched the edge of his cloak in her hand like a security blanket and snuggled against his shoulder again.

(Art by Jill Thompson)

#replies tag #the shadow #pulp heroes #fanfic #I think about the -Sometimes I get cold at night- response a lot #and how superhero capes can easily be likened to oversized blankets #and The Shadow is one of the main reasons why capes became so popular among American heroes #seriously you can see how practically overnight so many heroes at the time imitating The Shadow acquired capes #and what is a hero if not a childhood fantasy manifest #they are all just wearing blankets to battle #I think my posts are turning into too much of rollercoasters

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helly-watermelonsmellinfellon · 2 years

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Are you still not able to get a job? You've mentioned that in the past, you weren't working because you needed to be mom's caregiver, but recently it's been a lot of hotel living - couldn't your stepdad take on a caregiving role so you can work? Or he could work at a place that doesn't require too much mobility on his part?

He's got to diet for his surgery and does nothing but complain about his leg and being unable to walk without agony now. I have to do all the stuff he doesn't want to do and also can't do now. Bethy wants to get a job, and this place she's trying for wants to hire her, but apparently places around here take issue with a P.O. box and not a stable home address?

IDK. She has a bank account. That should be enough imo. Or maybe I just don't get how this stuff works. Or maybe Delaware is different than PA? I'm not from here.

Hell, I don't even have a bank account. I don't have the money for a deposit to start one. I have to save money now to get a Delaware ID because so many housing places in Delaware don't recognize a PA ID. That's $50 I don't have.

I've never had an over the counter job. I was never told about papers minors had to have to get jobs. I was just attacked over and over for being lazy and not having a job, and yet no one fucking told me about all these other steps involved. I just applied to places online and never got responses even when I called. Hell, step-dad was super quick to get his son, daughter-in-law, and friend jobs with him but when I asked he blew me off. THEN spent his free time attacking me for having no job(despite how I'm the fucking maid in the house).

I don't know how to do any of this stuff and still no one has offered to help me as they know I get unbearably anxious doing unfamiliar things and breaking routine. So either they keep me as their maid and pack mule to do everything for them, or they help me get a job where I'm gone all the time and they can't do anything by themselves anymore. I'm getting bitched at one way or the other by now.

Anyway, Bethy's case worker is heavily suggesting that I'm unwell mentally and should be on disability. She is insisting that it'd be easier on all of us because one look at me and she doesn't see a healthy person in the least. I don't look that bad btw, I think she's just throwing out more suggestions to get us more help? IDK. Another source of income?

Anyway, to even do the disability thing, I have to go to a doctor and enumerate my various issues physically and mentally. My appointment is on April 25th. I promised the case worker so she'd get off my ass about it. Mom made me call to set up the appointment and I wanted to die the whole time, my anxiety was through the roof! I spent an entire half hour beforehand painstakingly writing out the entire conversation in Google Docs. I had a list of phrases and questions that could potentially be said to me, and had detailed responses written out to the T. I still fucked up twice.

I never want to do it again.

Getting a job stresses me out. Being officially declared as disabled stress me out. I just want to write books and publish them. That's what I'm good at. Why can't that just be my job? Why can't I ever write shit people want to purchase?

#i gotta open a bank account but ffs where and do i need a deposit?#the paypal my ko-fi is connected to is my mom's if you're curious #i get none of that money she uses it for food and gas and renting rooms and body products #i got the ko-fi to help out and have been writing my ass off for commissions

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