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the-iceni-bitch · 3 years

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I Fear We’re Facing A Problem

Pairing: Carol Danvers x enhanced!Fem Reader

Words: sorry, laptop is still being a bitch so it’s another mobile

Summary: You convince Carol to join you on a night out and a good time is had by all!

Warnings: WLW, explicit language, explicit sexual content (spanking, oral sex (f receiving), mentions of using a dildo), violence (but nothing too gory, just standard canon stuff), SMUT, 18+ ONLY!!!!

A/N: Another from my WIP folder and my second WLW fic! (Which I really need to write more of btw cus this was a real treat). I also may have accidentally stumbled on a little something that I had never thought of before but that is most likely going to be coming in the future, see if you can pick up those hints! 😉

Check out my masterlist and join my taglist if you want!!!

Carol dodged a beer bottle as she stepped into the bar, cursing to herself before scanning the room for additional threats.

And boy were there a lot of them.

When you had drunk dialed her 20 minutes ago, noting your intention to start a fight with some chauvinist assholes, she hadn’t really believed you. But there you were in the middle of a full on brawl, punching some idiot in an army uniform in the mouth before grabbing a pitcher and breaking it over his head.

Carol moved forward as one of your victim’s companions grabbed you around the middle and lifted you off the floor. She tossed aside some moron in a leather jacket easily as he came at her with a broken bottle before wrapping her arm around the neck of the jackass that had you in a hold.

He choked and released you, his hands scrabbling at Carol’s forearm. She ignored him as you launched yourself over the table and kicked another of the army boys in the face before turning and shooting her a grin.

“Hey Danvers!” You said, grabbing another assailant by the back of the neck and tossing him across the room with a shrug of your shoulders.

“Y/N, what have I told you about drinking by yourself?” She said, dropping the man she was holding with a thud as he had finally passed out. She ducked as someone across the bar threw a stool, catching it in midair and hefting it back at him.

“I wasn’t by myself.” You said as you ripped a leg off one of the tables and cracked it across some guys back. “Thor was here, and he brought some bomb-ass mead.”

“That asshole left you here by yourself after getting you drunk on Asgardian mead?” She was going to have to have a talk with that idiot next time she saw him.

“Unlike someone, Thor knows I can take care of myself.” You said with an eye roll before breaking a beer bottle and plunging it into the thigh of some new moron.

“You’re not the one I’m worried about, sweetheart.” She scolded as she caught the leg of one of the idiots and threw him across the room.

“Oh, it’s sweetheart now?” You said with a snort before head butting someone.

“I am so not having this discussion with you right now.” She said before punching some asshole in the ribs.

“We gotta have it sometime, though.” You laughed as you caught a fist in your palm and drove your other hand into the idiot’s elbow until you heard a snap.

“Well maybe if you tried asking me out when you were sober, we’d get somewhere.” She said sarcastically, dodging a punch and throwing the puncher one handed into the ceiling.

“What?!? Y/N, I leave to get you sustenance and you start a fight?” Thor thundered, absorbing a couple of blows before picking up one of the army brats with one hand and striding towards you, hefting the grease soaked bag above the fray.

“Thorsie baby, you got my burrito!!!” You said giddily, tossing the man who was trying to stab you aside as you hopped on a table and pounced on the Asgardian, making grabby hands at the food.

“I can’t believe you left her unsupervised after giving her mead.” Carol said as things finally started to calm down as the bar patrons eyed the god who had just strode in with wariness. She slapped down a giant wad of cash on the bar, hoping it would be enough to cover all the damages.

“She was hungry and getting insistent, I didn’t think she could start anything in half an hour.” He said with a bit of a pout as he ignored your eating, your legs still wrapped around him as you moaned around your burrito.

“You’re a fucking enabler, Odinson.” Carol said with a shake of her head. “Did you forget about Helsinki?”

“Ha, that was a good time!” You said around a mouth full of burrito.

“It was an international shitshow, Y/N.” She said as Thor guffawed. “Poor Nat had to do damage control for a month. What am I gonna do with you?”

“You could make me your housewife.” You said teasingly before taking another giant bite of your burrito, slowly unwrapping yourself from Thor as you arrived at Carol’s Jeep.

She rolled her eyes at you as you gave her the most ridiculous doe eyes she’d ever seen. “You’re so fucking manipulative.”

“Please, I’d be a damn amazing housewife.” You grumbled, waiting for Thor to crawl into the backseat. “Isn’t that right, Thorsie?”

“Her pancakes are delectable.” Thor said with an appreciative nod.

“See?! I’d make you pancakes everyday baby!” You whined as you buckled yourself in.

She just shook her head at you as she started the engine and pulled out.

You stuck out your tongue at her before turning to Thor over your shoulder. “Well, since Danvers here has a fear of commitment,” you said, ignoring her scoff. “ you want to make an honest woman out of me, Odinson?”

He threw his head back and laughed heartily before clapping a hand on your shoulder. “I would be honored to have you for my queen, Y/N.”

“Alright, that’s enough you two.” Carol growled. She was starting to get annoyed with your antics.

“Oh, are you jealous?” You said as you turned back to her, grinning like an idiot. “Cuz just say the word babe and I’d leave Mr. Asgard in a heartbeat, sorry Thor.”

He just chuckled at the two of you as Carol finally pulled into the compound, a scowl on her face.

“Let’s get you back to your room, Y/N.” She said resignedly, climbing down from the front seat and shaking her head at you.

“Are you gonna take advantage of me in my inebriated state, Danvers?” You teased as you stumbled out of the vehicle, Thor catching your arm and steadying you as he followed. “Cuz I’m down.”

“I’m gonna sober you up so you’re ready for the shitstorm that’s coming your way once your little bar brawl hits the news.”

“Ugh, lame!!!” You said with a roll of your eyes as you followed after her.

The three of you made your way to the living quarters, Thor holding you steady as you wobbled on still drunk legs, grinning and laughing with him as Carol marched in front of you. She shook her head at you two as you reached the door to your room. You leaned against the wall with a huff and a pout as she worked on unlocking your door.

“I’ve got her from here, Odinson.” She said as she got the door open, swinging it onwards and giving him his own look of reproach. “And don’t think your getting off easy, I already apprised Rogers of your role in this fiasco.”

“Ha, the Captain doesn’t scare me!” He said, doing a piss poor job of hiding the flash of worry that crossed his face. He turned to give you a grin and a kiss on the forehead before turning to leave. “Have a good night ladies.”

You turned to give Carol a knowing grin before she shoved you inside and followed after you, slamming the door behind her.

She finally let her face split into a massive grin now that the two of you were alone, a hearty laugh ripping from her chest that you reciprocated as she stepped into you.

“So, Thor knows then?” She said as she ripped off her leather jacket and tossed it aside, working on unbuttoning her flannel.

“Of course he knows, babe.” You said as you wrenched your tee over your head, moving to unbutton your jeans. “Pretty sure he figured it out as soon as it happened.”

“You didn’t tell him then?” She asked you with a cocked eyebrow as she stepped out of her boots and kicked them aside.

You rolled your eyes as you bent to untie your sneakers. “No, I don’t know why you want to keep it a secret though.”

“Mmm, I just like knowing that I get to do all these filthy things to you and no one has any idea about it.” She said as she watched you straighten back up, wearing nothing but your bralette and thong. “Now bend over the couch.”

“What?!?! Oh c’mon babe, we weren’t serious when we made that deal!”

“I was absolutely serious, sweetie. Now bend over and take your punishment like a good girl.”

You pouted and did as you were told, supporting yourself on your elbows as you presented your ass to her.

“Spread those legs further.” She ordered, tapping her toes against the inside of your ankle until you complied. “There she is. You’re lucky I’m feeling generous, we’re only gonna do 10 tonight, since you managed to keep your antics local.”

“Yes ma’am.” You said grudgingly, a shiver running up your spine as she ran her fingers up the back of your thigh.

The first smack jolted you forward suddenly, almost sending you tumbling over the couch as you dug your hands into the cushions. Carol ran her hand soothingly over the red handprint that she’d raised on your left ass cheek before bracing her other hand over your back and grinning down at you.

“That’s one.” She said, her fingers brushing over your clothed core and making you whine before she slapped your other cheek just has hard. “Two.”

She made the same soothing gesture over your right cheek before spanking you directly above your clenching pussy and making you scream.

“Ooh, three.” She said, biting her lip as she rubbed her hand in a big circle over your sex, feeling the dampening cloth of your panties with a satisfied smirk. “Fuck, baby.”

She gave two more slaps to each cheek in a quick succession that had you whimpering and sinking into the sofa, your knees starting to give out. Her next smack was over your core again, and you whined as a fresh rush of arousal flowed out of you and started to leak down your thighs, the fabric of your panties now soaked completely through.

“Love how wet my baby gets.” Carol cooed before shredding your panties with a quick twist of her wrist and flinging the ruins aside. She sucked in a breath as she got a look at the mess between your legs; plump swollen folds flushed with heat and pulsing with need as juices flowed out you. “Just two more. Think I can make you cum from just a spanking?”

Her ninth slap was right over your entrance and made you twitch as she kept her hand curled over your mound, just pressing against you as she felt the muscles of your core throbbing under her fingers. She took a layer of slick with her when she withdrew her hand, and you peeked over your shoulder to watch her suck your arousal from her fingers.

“Carol...” you whined, your breath coming in needy little pants as you waited for her to give you your last spank.

“Such a needy little baby. You better ask me real nice sweetie, otherwise I might just tie you up and leave you all frustrated. Maybe I’ll make you watch me fuck myself on that stormbreaker dildo you’ve been keeping secret. Would you like that?”

“Fuck, Carol! Please, please fucking spank me! I promise I’ll be your good girl!” You moaned, trying to press yourself back into her hand, desperate for release.

“Aww, but I don’t want you to be a good girl.” She said.

Her final spank was a direct hit to your clit, and you screamed as your entire body spasmed. Your fingers dug into the couch cushions as you squirted all over Carol’s hand, your knees finally giving out as you sobbed with pleasure.

“Oh, I knew you could do it baby.” She said as she started to press soft kisses down your back, her hand still in between your legs rubbing in big, slow circles over your pussy with just enough pressure to drive you crazy. “Love making my bad girl fall apart. Don’t you dare start behaving now.”

“Yes ma’am.” You sighed into the cushions as you came down.

Carol ran her lips and tongue over the swollen marks she’d left on you, her hand an your core starting to press into you harder. You gasped when she suddenly pulled you apart, her fingers spreading your folds and barely giving you a chance to adjust before her tongue ran over your slit in a heavy stripe.

“Shit!” You cried as you thumped your first against the sofa, your cunt clenching around nothing as Carol lapped at your sex like it was the first drink she’d had in weeks.

She grinned against you, slipping a finger inside you and making your keen as her lips wrapped around your clit. You had to fight to stay upright as she slipped in a second finger, scissoring them inside you and stretching you open as she suckled at your tiny button, making you clench around her.

You let out an inhuman shriek when she added the third finger, thrusting yourself backwards into her face and fucking yourself on her hand as her mouth still worked at taking you apart. She shook her head to bury her face even deeper and you lost it, sobbing as your body tried to curl in on itself as your orgasm crashed over you.

Carol brought both hands to keep you from collapsing at the same time she pressed the flat of her tongue over your pussy, moaning as you throbbed against her face and she caught your release as it squirted out of you, swallowing it greedily as her lips wrapped around your sex.

Your body finally stopped shaking and she stood up behind you, curling over your back and turning your head so she could press her lips against yours. She teased your lips with your tongue and you opened up to her, whining into her mouth as you tasted yourself.

“Mmm, how you feeling baby?” She asked with a grin as she pulled away from you, taking your breath with her.

“Pretty fucking fantastic.” You said, beaming back at her. You flipped yourself over until you landed on the couch with a huff, making her roll her eyes at you. “Really wanna make you feel good too, beautiful.” You said with a wink.

“Yeah? How you gonna do that?” She said as she watched you reach under the couch, searching for something.

“Oh, I’ve got a pretty good idea.” You said as you straightened back up, placing a long black box on your lap. “I don’t know how you found out about this, but it’s gonna blow your fucking mind. Say hello to the stormbreaker.”

You opened the box to reveal a massive, pretty realistic looking dildo and Carol let out a guffaw as you wiggled your eyebrows at her suggestively.

“I love you sweetheart, but I’m not letting you fuck me with a dildo based off one of our best friends!”

“Don’t be such a square, baby!” You said, standing up to chase after her as she headed into the bedroom. “He’d be flattered!!”

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louiserandom · 4 years

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Of Punishments and Rewards

Pairing: Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Madara | Rating: M

Summary: The citizens of Konoha have long grown used to (and frankly bored of) the often destructive spectacle that is Madara and Tobirama screaming their lungs out at each other in the market district. During one such clash, however, Madara suffers an accidental concussion and proceeds to not-so-accidentally flirt with, grope, and expose his secret affair with none other than the white-haired Senju he's supposed to hate.

Now this has the whole village intrigued.

Read Chapter 1 on AO3 or continue under the cut :3 Ko-fi info is in the header!

The citizens of Konoha have long grown used to (and frankly bored of) the often destructive spectacle that is Madara and Tobirama screaming their lungs out at each other in the market district. So when today the Uchiha Clan Head, foul mood and all, stomps towards an unsuspecting Tobirama (who really isn’t bothering anybody and seems to be busy enough picking out oranges) and starts shrieking at the top of his lungs about some manner of ‘experimental bullshit' crawling out of Tobirama's 'death trap of a lab,' most of the passersby find themselves stifling a yawn.

Another day, another bout of fires and flooding from the two village founders whose hate for each other hasn’t diminished in the slightest in the two years of Konoha’s existence.

Grown stronger, if anything.

“BECAUSE I AM NOT,” Madara bellows at the end of his first public rant of the day (though surely not the last), “GOING TO STAND FOR YOUR BRAZEN INCOMPETENCE ANYMORE, SENJU!”

Of course, Madara accusing Tobirama of incompetence is also nothing new, although it is common knowledge that it’s the latter who often has to get the Hokage and his best friend out of ridiculously foolish debacles.

(Konoha still remembers how the two godlike shinobi somehow stumbled into quite the deep hole intended for garbage disposal and in their drunken stupor ended up forgetting that they could have simply jumped outーwhat with their immense chakra reserves no less. Tobirama, naturally, had been exceptionally cross that day.)

“Incompetence?” Tobirama only scoffs in answer. “Whatever problem you have with how I handle my duties, Uchiha, pales in comparison to the damage your complete lack of logic deals to society.”

“You shut the fuck up,” Madara snaps, fists clenching and chakra becoming visible alreadyーa faintly shimmering fire-cloak upon his form. That really never bodes well for the market’s survival. “And study the logic behind proper fucking sleep so your complete lack of sense and self-restraint doesn’t lead to more dangerous fucking jutsu that spiral out of fucking control!”

This does perk up a few ears; after all, what novelty of Tobirama Senju’s could appear more dangerous than his summoning of an undead army that past Obon Festival?

“I am conducting a perfectly safe study,” Tobirama says, though Madara doesn’t seem like he believes him at all. “And not of a jutsu but a living being. Though it’s unsurprising your handful of brain matter failed to distinguish the two.”

“A living being with nine godsdamned tails made out of enough chakra to wipe out the whole of Fire Country?!”

This perks up a few more ears but seeds no panic; it’s thanks to Tobirama, after all, that most of Konoha has seen much, much worse.

“It's a perfectly docile and friendly chakra fox,” Tobirama insists, crossing his arms. “Now for the love of all things holy and unholy, stop your shrieking.” He glances at the mostly disinterested crowd. “You’re embarrassing me. And yourself, though I doubt there’s any room to sink lower than you have.”

“I will fucking destroy you, you worthless piece of shit!” The crackles of a budding Katon flicker around Madara’s fists. “Now go and take care of your fucking experiment-living-chakraーwhatever bullshit, or I will fight you and there will be no remains left for your brother to cry over.”

Tobirama glares, straightening to his full height which has him towering above Madara’s bristling frame. “How so much fight can fit in so little a man,” he sneers, “I will never understand.”

Three things happen in quick succession.

Naturally, Madara attacks. A massive raging wall of fire sizzles straight at Tobirama, who matches Madara’s wild toothy grin with a smirk as he jumps out of the way with the usual easeーonly for Madara to charge at him, fist coated with white-hot flames, and unsurprisingly, Tobirama dodges yet again.

What does come as a surprise is Madara’s slight... miscalculation, it seems, as his eyes linger a bit too long in the general direction of Tobirama’s thighs for some reason, and he’s just slow enough to miss the giant crate of oranges that falls from a panicking store owner’s shelf.

“Madara-sama!” the salesman cries as the legendary Uchiha collides with the box headfirst and drops limply to the ground. “F-forgive me,” the poor man stutters, appearing quite a bit more worried about Tobirama than Madara’s squirming form.

After all, neither of the two are happy when their fights are interrupted before they can destroy at least one building, and as expected, the Senju in question frowns and visibly deflates.

“Madara?” Tobirama asks, tentative, banishing the spikes of ice he’s conjured with his jutsu.

“Mmm,” Madara articulates from the ground, face scrunched in pain as he squints at the sky as if it’s personally offended him. “Mm-wha?..”

In a yet unseen show of kindness, Tobirama walks up to him and kneels to check on Madara’s condition. Quite a few stares shift in their direction. Shouldn’t Tobirama be inclined to leave the Uchiha to suffer?

Apparently not.

“Madara? Can you hear me?” Receiving no answer, Tobirama coaxes him to sit up as he checks over his head. Though unwounded, it does appear he’s seriously concussed as he starts slurring nonsense and pointing at a part of the crowd mumbling something about ‘fute birdsies.’ “Listen, IーAnija will be really upset if you’re seriously hurt, so can you tell meー”

Madara slaps a gloved hand roughly over Tobirama’s mouth. Another uncharacteristic move that provokes many a frown. The pair usually avoid skin to skin contact religiously, even when fighting.

“Your lips,” Madara slurs, eyes unfocused as he stares dazedly at his supposed enemy, “could putーbe put to... much better use than talking.”

“W-what?” Tobirama stammers, shoving the hand away and scrambling to his feet.

“I said your lips,” Madara tries to clarify, before Tobirama cuts him off, “Shut the fuck up, you moron!” he grits through his teeth, extending a hand to the Uchiha as he flops back down to lie on the ground.

“And get up," Tobirama orders, "now. I’m taking you to Anija. Concussions are tricky to heal and I might not be able to avoid leaving lasting effects.”

Madara smirks, and for some reason that prompts a look of horror to settle on Tobirama’s face. For good reason, as the onlookers discover.

“It’s always up for you, Tobirama,” Madara’s slurring is mixed with a bit of a stupid-sounding drawl as he positively ogles Tobirama, eyes once again lingering a tad lower than appropriate. “The question is if you wanna play.”

“Madara!” Tobirama hisses, casting death glares at the crowds now circled around them as one unified and now definitely intrigued mob. “Stop this foolishness right this instantー”

“Stop isn’t our safe-word, Tobiー”

“ーand take my fucking hand!”

“I’d rather have it wrapped around myー”

“MADARA!” Tobirama is trembling with fury at this point, chakra radiating killing intent enough for shinobi and civilian alike to feel it wash over them. The people gathered only scuffle closer, disappointed that the rest of Madara’s sentence gets drowned out by Tobirama’s shout and their own collective gasp. Tobirama pinches the bridge of his nose. “Not. Here.”

“I kno-ow,” Madara whines, finally grasping for Tobirama’s hand only to use it to yank him down once he gets ahold of it. “This hand indefーit definitely needs to be reaching a lot lower.”

“Madara, gods fucking dammit,” Tobirama growls as he wrests himself from Madara hold, “people are staring.”

To be fair, the self-proclaimed honorable and pure-hearted citizens of Konoha make an effort to pretend they aren’t gapingーwhich really isn’t an easy task though, because the display is turning out to be more exciting than any of the village-wide festivities to date.

“Oh?” Madara seems to be trying to raise one eyebrow but ends up skewing his face into an awkward frown at best. “If yesterday’s anything to go by, you don’t mind a little voytriloquism yourself, koibito.”

Another round of gasps follows as Tobirama blanches, mouth slightly agape and lips trembling. Someone helpfully shouts, “Do you mean voyeurism, Uchiha-sama?”

“Yes-yes!” Madara pipes up, still squirming helplessly on the ground. “Voyagerism. That.”

“Uchiha,” Tobirama glowers, a sheen of blue energy wrapping around his limbs as his ire escalates, “I am literally begging you toー”

“Didn’t get enough earlier, eh?” Madara leers, finally managing to wriggle into a half-sitting position, sending a few oranges rolling on the ground. Intrigued and unperturbed by Tobirama’s spluttering (and what a strange sight it is, to see the usually composed Senju at such a loss for words), Madara picks up two of the fruits and proceeds to shock the bystanders to the core once more, “You know, they say fresh squeezed oranges are good for you in the morning, but I think your fresh squeezed diー”

“MADARA, NO!” Tobirama roars, this time quite evidently to drown out Madara’s words.

“Madara, yes,” the Uchiha moans, “that’s all I remember you saying to me this morning.” A few desperate “Kai” resound in the area as Madara Uchiha incarnate starts licking the oranges in his hands. He keeps eye contact with Tobirama all the while as he sucks on them, shameless and wanton, swirling his tongue over the fruits with such wanton enthusiasm one might think him a common harlot. “Remind you of anything, To-bi-ra-ma?”

Needless to say, the world plunges into chaos. Choruses of cheers and wolf whistles, sounds of both affront and confusion erupt from the bystanders as quite a few women rush to cover their husbands’ eyes lest they require the same astonishing level of skill from them.

Tobirama, meanwhile, seems to have finally regained his ability to act, if not speak, and proceeds to grab Madara by his collar and drag him into a wobbly stance, slapping a hand bathed in faint green glow against the Uchiha’s forehead.

"Get permanent brain damage for all I care.” Tobirama gives Madara a pretty hard shake. “Now will you stop fucking talking?”

"You don’t tell me what to do, Senju,” Madara grumbles, looking a bit steadier on his feet now even as his voice still sounds a bit shaky. “And how did I get here?”

Tobirama ignores him, directing one last glower at the excited crowd as he commands, “Don’t you dare speak a word of this to the Hokage,” before disappearing into thin air with Madaraーhis secret lover, something Konoha still can’t wrap its collective head aroundーin tow.

Granted, the younger Senju must have sensed his brother’s approach because the next second none other than Hashirama steps into the market with the usual wide grin on his face, flowers sprouting on each patch of ground he steps on. The crowd stills and grows silent but for a few moments as Tobirama’s order rings clear in their minds, and yet,

“What happened here?” Hashirama asks in childlike confusion.

In just a handful of moments, it proves too much of a temptation for Konoha prolific rumor mill to resist.

“Madara was doing what in front of my Otouto?!”

#madatobi #tobimada #madara uchiha #tobirama senju #humor #fanfic #lou writes #idiots in love #naruto

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songfell-ut · 4 years

Text

Chapter 3, still a-comin’

Cirumstances, am I right, folks?

If you didn’t make it through Chapter 2 or this is all 100% new, welp, this is a continuation of this comic by @lostmypotatoes, after which Frisk has gotten him to be her witchly apprentice, but now he’s trying to flake on her. ACTION

Sans was getting soft in his old age, or maybe from proximity to someone as aggressively good-hearted as the High Priestess, because he found he didn't want to demolish the entire wall. For one thing, without his magic, it'd be too much effort. More importantly, though, Frisk's rooms were many, many stories above the ground, and falling masonry could kill or injure someone below who hadn't earned it. Most important of all: Frisk would probably end up trying to help dig them out and put herself in danger.

He also figured that he had time to do things neatly and cost her less in repairs. Everything had been loosened by that first colossal blow, but he had to give it a few more whacks before he could start pulling it apart, making a pile of glass shards, wood paneling, bricks and stones in front of her office. Luckily, whoever had constructed the outside wall hadn't done a great job, or else it would've taken him all night. A carefully judged body-slam was enough to weaken the remaining support structures; a few kicks and a yank created a space big enough for the giant skeleton to squeeze through, and then he could see the barrier itself.

Panting, Sans took a moment to survey his handiwork. It sucked to exert himself like that, but he figured that sometimes in life, you just had to punch things until they broke.

Unfortunately, he didn't have that option with the barrier. The old stories came back to him as he stared at the golden latticework hovering outside the ruined wall. How was he going to get through without touching it directly or throwing something big enough to hurt someone below?

His eyes fell on the worktable and the vials of stuff he'd made this afternoon. Four hadn't been infused yet. Sans grabbed one, pulled off the cork and, with a speck of magic, willed the liquid to boil, burn, dissolve anything it touched. It promptly began to fizzle and hiss in his hand, and he had to fling it away like an idiot before it started eating through his metacarpals.

He did one thing right in throwing it at the barrier, which instantly melted and let the chilly night air wash over him. Outside, moonlight shadowed the bricks of a nearby wall that stretched almost all the way to the ground, ending in the roof of a building only a couple stories high. He could hop out, grab onto the brick edifice, climb down safely and be gone before Frisk even got back up here, never mind moving the statue and getting the doors open. From there, it'd only be a matter of time before his magic regenerated and he could take a shortcut home.

Poor Frisk. She'd tried. Hell, she'd survived his murder attempts and taught him a few things, and he'd never forget her.

Anyway, she was better off losing track of him and finding a smaller, tamer monster to work with. What was she even getting from him being here, besides a hell of a lot of trouble?

The question was supposed to be rhetorical, but as if in reply, he thought of Frisk standing at the worktable with her arm up those ridiculously oversized trousers, grinning and saying, "The pleasure of your company," looking up at him like...well, like he was her friend, not an inferior or a dangerous monster or a giant pain in the ass, pun absolutely intended. Of course, it wasn't as if she had many other friends, but he couldn't tell himself that she was just using a captive freak to keep her company; he already knew her too well for that.

This, right here. This was why he needed to leave now. The skeleton took a few steps back, gauging the distance to—

Whhhsh went something in his mental ear. He jerked around to see Frisk standing half in his shadow, half in the moonlight, with her veil in her hand and absolute murder in her eye. "Sans." It was a whisper, lost in the wind.

Shit fuck shit shit shiiiiiiit fuckity fuck SHIT rang in his head as the satchel hit the floor. "Frisk?" he whispered.

Frisk beckoned him closer with one finger. Unbelieving, he knelt, and she punched him so hard that he almost felt it. "Here is what's going happen," she said as he touched his jaw. "I assume you've blocked the doors, so you will go and unblock them, and I'll tell the guard that you were—we'll say you were fighting off an assassin, and everyone will be impressed when they see how much damage you did trying to kill him before he escaped. Won't they?"

Sans nodded helplessly. "How...how'd you...?"

"How did I get here?" She tossed the veil aside, letting it drift to the floor. "Let me tell you a story, Sans. Once upon a time – yesterday morning – I had a long talk with Dr. Serif. He said you probably didn't intend to stay for a whole month, and I needed to be on my guard, just in case you decided to pull a stunt like this. I didn't want to believe him, but I followed his advice, and lo and behold, less than a week later, I caught my lying, backstabbing apprentice trying to break his word because he was apparently too bored with me to waste time learning crucial information for the survival of his entire race! The end!"

Frisk had to pause for breath. The boss monster took great exception to that last accusation, and he doubted that was actually the end of the story, but he was afraid to interrupt. "Do you see this?" she continued. Sans flinched as the tiny woman ripped off her brooch and brandished it at him. "Dr. Serif brought it yesterday afternoon. It seems he'd taken some of your magic while you were unconscious, and not only did he refuse to return it to you, he said I couldn't be here every hour of the day, and I needed to have this if you ever tried to break loose. He infused it with enough of your power to teleport myself one time." Another deep breath. "Do you have any idea how angry I am that he was right, and I was right to listen? And do you know how sick to my stomach I feel right now?!" Frisk threw the brooch to the floor, where it shattered. The last bit of magic quietly evaporated, and she pressed the back of her hand to her lips, eyes unfocusing. "And...how do you stand—"

There it was. He couldn't believe it had taken this long to catch up with her—the first time he'd tried using a shortcut, it left him feeling like his head had been screwed on backwards.

The skeleton glanced at the open, crumbling wall, then at Frisk, who was leaning heavily on the worktable, eyes closed. Then...

The priestess squeaked as Sans swept her up into the crook of his arm and headed to the bathroom. "Put me down!" she croaked, thumping his clavicle.

"Yes, m'lady," he said, opening the door, poking the light on and placing her at the very back of the room. "Go for it."

Once she was settled and could puke in relative peace, Sans went to the double doors leading into the hall, replaced the statue in its niche, and headed back to the workroom. Her office door was blocked by the many chunks of wall piled in front of it, and moving them again would take effort, so the skeleton ignored it for now. He picked up the satchel and set it on the worktable, wondering if the wind was too cold for her and how, exactly, he was going to pay for this, in every sense of the word. After one more look outside, Sans made himself tiptoe back to the bathroom and ask, "You done?"

There was a pause, the sound of water running, and a much longer pause before she opened the door and stared up at him. "What are you still doing here?" she demanded.

Sans blinked at her, mostly for effect. "'Zat a trick question? I'm makin' sure you're okay. That magic can knock you on your ass the first couple times ya try it."

Her face tightened, a hard, bitter expression that probably shouldn't have surprised him. "You don't say." She turned her head to cough, resting her forehead on the tile wall. "Congratulations to you, Sans. I'm here, but I'm in no condition to do anything. Your plan worked after all." She pushed herself upright. "Good night."

Shit. "Uh...Frisk—"

The priestess walked right by to open the double doors. He heard her exclaim something about the guard not being there, and mutter that she'd deal with it in the morning. She barred the doors shut, which he hadn't even noticed was an option, and wobbled past him into her dressing room, evading his halfhearted attempt to steady her.

Hangers rattled. There was an occasional sniffle. When Frisk came out in a long crushed-velvet robe, she actually looked offended to see him. "Don't you have somewhere to be? I said good night, Sans."

Wasn't she going to at least try to stop him? Sure, she was sick and exhausted, but where was her determination? ...Was she so upset that she was determined to cut her losses and let him go?

That really seemed to be it. Well, Sans should have been elated, but he mostly just felt insulted. Besides, he couldn't leave until they got a few things straight, or else he'd spend the rest of his life trying not to think about it. The boss monster wracked his brain for a witty yet conciliatory opener, but what came out was "You're not boring."

A blast of wind howled through the room, flipping the lighter books open and ruffling the weighed-down stacks of paper. Frisk remained stock-still as her short, wavy hair fluttered across her face. "I beg your pardon," she said, colder than the autumn air.

"Okay, yeah, I admit it. I was gonna ditch ya," he said desperately. "But it wasn't 'cause I don't like you or I don' care about helping the other monsters. I—you remember all you heard about Papyrus, right?" Her expression softened a little as she nodded. "I had a dream about him last night that I'm pretty sure was real. Me bein' gone and him not knowin' I'm okay is killing him, Frisk. I can't..."

She stayed silent as Sans pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead. It had been so long since he'd told someone the entire truth that he felt completely exposed. It was scary as hell, but he owed it to her and to Pap. "Ya gotta understand," he mumbled. "My brother's all I got left, and I'm all he's got. You've been nothin' but fair to me, and it's not yer fault there's no real way t'contact 'im. I just...I can't go a whole month without lettin' him know I'll be home soon, and I can't dream at him with yer barrier up." He sat down with his legs crossed, staring at the floor. "I spend too much damn time away as it is. He never knows for sure if I'm comin' back."

Frisk swallowed. "Why didn't you tell me sooner how important this was to you? And what do you mean, 'dream at him'?"

"I didn't bother 'cause you might'a thought I was lying to make you feel sorry fer me. I know I wouldn't trust me." The skeleton jerked his head at the ruined wall. "What I mean is, I can talk to Pap while we're both dreamin', but you wouldn't be there to hear what we were saying. I could tell him all sorts of crap, like how strong the High Priestess is and how much safer it'd be for us monsters if she was dead."

The priestess was silent again. Sans risked a glance in time to see her reach up to sweep her hair behind her ear, only to yelp in pain. Sure enough, as she raised her hand to inspect it, the outside knuckle was red and swollen. "Augh! How did I not notice this?" Frisk tried to move it and had to stifle another exclamation. "Wonderful. If it hurts this much, I must have broken it." She made an incoherent noise and started toward the rack of finished potions on the worktable.

Sans dimly recalled that humans didn't feel as much pain when they were scared or excited, and that it could catch up to them pretty fast. It also occurred to him that it was a bad idea for a small human to hit a thick-headed skeleton with her bare hand. "What are you doin'?" he wanted to know. "You can heal that up in a jiffy."

"I can't heal myself," she said brusquely. "I'm not very adept at healing to begin with, and I can't make it work on me at all."

That couldn't be right. "Ya mean to tell me you're good enough to hold me off and keep me penned in for days with no magic, but—"

"Leave me alone."

Her voice was so quiet and furious that he stopped dead. But as she picked a vial and started to pull the cork out with her teeth, Sans got up and held his own hand out. "Lemme see."

With as much dignity as she could muster, Frisk closed her mouth and handed him the vial. He put it back impatiently and beckoned again. "Not that, dummy. Yer hand."

The priestess gave him a long, eloquent look. When he didn't move, she placed her broken hand in his huge one, wincing as his thumb closed lightly over her wrist. It was hard to remember how to turn his magic green, but she'd been right about intentions: it helped to think about how badly he wanted it to work, not only to help her, but to prove that he was capable of fixing things as well as destroying them.

Sure enough, within seconds, his palm began to glow as if he held a handful of emeralds. When Sans could bring himself to let her go, she flexed it easily. "You've gotten some magic back already," she observed. Frisk smiled at him for a moment, and he couldn't not smile back. "You know," she said, anger rapidly resurfacing, "you're not only a lying reprobate, you are a huge idiot." She rapped her knuckles on his palm. "I've always had a barrier guarding the bedroom from any external magic. If that was the only thing keeping you from reaching Papyrus, you should have asked me to remove it."

Sans sat down again. "But—"

"As for the possibility of giving him illicit information, I will ask you this only once." Frisk moved closer, looking him square in the sockets. "Do you intend to tell the other monsters, at any point, that your race would be better off with me dead?"

He didn't even have to think about it before he answered, "Not anymore. You're pretty damn useful as you are, speakin' up on our behalf to the other humans. I don't see anyone pressuring you into screwin' us over."

A brief smile. "I'm glad to hear it. For my part, I don't mind letting you talk to your brother as long as you take me with you. I'd love to say hello—I've heard so much about him that it'll be like meeting an old friend." She stifled a yawn. "If you start tattling on me in some fashion, I can always pull the barrier back up."

"...You want me to...bring you...in my dream?" Blink. Blink. "But how—what're you gonna—"

"One thing at a time, Sans. First, we're going to bed."

"We're what now?"

"If you're not leaving yet, then we're going to bed, now. This mess can wait till morning." With a nod at her blocked office door, Frisk motioned for him to follow her into the bedroom. "Come along. There's nowhere else for me to sleep, and I'm freezing."

And so it was that Sans found himself lying rigid on the huge feather mattress, the priestess curled up like a cat in the armchair. He had no idea why he was so nervous; he couldn't even muster a semi-joke about her joining him in bed. "I've heard of this spell before," said Frisk, who seemed unperturbed by their proximity. "It's not very complicated. You've just healed me, and I've recently used some of your magic, so we have enough of a connection that I should be able to find you once we're asleep. ...The key word being sleep, Sans. You have to relax. I'm not going to eat you, no matter how short-sighted and dishonorable you've been."

"You're not gonna let that go, are ya?" he mumbled.

"You have no idea. We haven't even talked about repairing the wall yet." Her voice warmed again. "For now, though, don't worry about it. We need to find Papyrus and set you both at ease."

Now Sans felt nervous and extremely weird again. He turned onto his side so she couldn't see him changing color. "'Kay. I...yeah. Thanks."

"Of course," she said, as though it was the most natural thing in the world to do a favor for someone who had completely betrayed her trust, and turned off the witchlight. He felt her raise another barrier at the bedroom door, one solid enough to stop an army, and a thinner barrier disappeared from behind the headboard. "There," she said in the darkness. "We'll see how well this works. Go to sleep, Sans."

That seemed unlikely, but he'd forgotten who he was dealing with. When about ten minutes had passed and the orange light of his eyes was still going strong, something wonderful started creeping up on him, a soothing vibration that spread through every bone in his body before he even knew what he was hearing. It was Frisk humming, of course, and of course it worked; Sans was more than content to let the sound and her presence lull him to sleep.

He jerked upright as something hit his skull, reflexively swatting the air and yelling, "Piss off!"

The lights were back on. In fact, it was full daylight, or what passed for it. Sans rubbed his eye sockets, turning this way and that. He was still in bed, but the bed stood alone in the middle of an open, snowy field. Kid monsters were racing back and forth under gaily decorated trees, throwing snowballs at each other and catching him in the crossfire.

The skeleton brushed himself off, reasoning that the Underground could be a weird place, but it wasn't quite random-snow-bed weird. This must be a dream, then. Damn it...

Oh, well. At least it was a nice one, and it felt pretty real—his good dreams tended to be fuzzy, while every single one of his nightmares was incredibly vivid.

Footsteps crunched on the snow behind him. "Well, hello there. That was simple," said Frisk, looking around them as he got up. She was in her plush robe and bare feet, but seemed at ease. "So this is Snowdin. Which house is yours?"

"BROTHER?"

Sans froze as a familiar shape emerged from a nearby fog of ice crystals. "Papyrus?" he whispered.

"I KNEW IIIIIT—OOF!" Papyrus had run to give his brother a bear hug and fell straight through him, as if Sans was also made of fog. "WHAT IS THIS, SANS? HAVE YOU BECOME TOO LAZY TO STAY SOLID?" he accused him from the ground.

"It's a dream, bro. This happens every damn time," the boss monster said wearily. "Just keep it together and listen, okay? I'm here t'let you know—"

"WAIT. A HUMAN? IS THAT...KRIS?" Papyrus was staring up at Frisk, his face somehow creased in puzzlement. "IS IT REALLY YOU? I THOUGHT YOU'D BE...KRIS-ER, NYEH."

Sans snorted. "Not every human is Kris, Pap. Don't be racist."

"Hello," Frisk said, offering a bright smile and a hand up. "My name is Frisk. It's wonderful to meet you, Papyrus."

"YES, IT IS. NYEH-HEH-HEH! YOU ARE CLEARLY VERY WISE AND ATTRACTIVE, HUMAN!" Papyrus brushed the snow from his fake armor, throwing his red scarf back over his shoulder in so dramatic a fashion that he didn't notice Frisk grinning, though Sans sure did. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY GREAT AND ATTRACTIVE DREAM?" he added.

Still smiling, Frisk watched the pack of young monsters run by. The monsters didn't seem to notice them, though the bed was still there and her purple robe stood out like a dark beacon against the snow. "Your brother wanted to see you, and I decided to come along," she explained. "Sans was captured by humans about a week ago when he was out looking for food, but please don't worry about—"

"CAPTURED?!" Papyrus clapped both hands to his skull. "THIS IS TERRIBLE! PLEASE DE-CAPTURE HIM IMMEDIATELY, HUMAN, OR ELSE I...I...!"

"Pap! Take it easy. She's okay. 'Fact, she's the reason I ain't dead or enslaved right now." Sans plucked at his shirt. "See, she even got me some new duds. You can finally stop bitching about what I'm wearin'."

Papyrus stopped flailing long enough to examine Sans' shirt. "NYEH! I SEE NO HOLES OR QUESTIONABLE STAINS. WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?"

Sans smirked, letting his brother poke at him in vain. "I told ya, bro, I just got it. You don't hafta rip me apart like this."

Frisk rocked back and forth on her heels. "So," she said over Papyrus' exasperated groaning, "I gather you knew a boy named Kris from the last human delegation. Is that right?"

"YES, IT IS RIGHT! KRIS WAS OUR DEAR FRIEND," Papyrus said as Sans grimaced and turned away. "WE WENT FOR WALKS AND HAD SLEEPOVERS, AND MADE HAND PUPPETS THAT ALSO HAD SLEEPOVERS. IT WAS LIKE HAVING A CUTE LITTLE PET THAT CLEANED UP AFTER ITSELF. WE'VE ALL MISSED HIM VERY MUCH, NYEHHH."

"Yeah, he left with the other humans," Sans muttered. "Can we please move on now?"

"Yes, of course. I'm going to borrow your brother for a few more weeks," Frisk told Papyrus. The latter was glaring at his brother's new shirt again, as if daring it to make a false move. "I have a plan to start making peace between monsters and humans," she continued, "but I need a monster's help to do it. Can you get along without Sans until I send him back to the Underground?"

"HMMMM." Papyrus straightened, one hand on his chin. "YOU WON'T HURT HIM?" he asked, sounding almost timid.

"Absolutely not, Papyrus," she said firmly. "He'll be back safe and sound."

Papyrus nodded, evidently impressed by her sincerity. "I AM IMPRESSED BY YOUR SINCERITY, HUMAN. IF THIS DREAM IS NOT MY MAGNIFICENT IMAGINATION PLAYING TRICKS ON ME AGAIN, THEN I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, SHALL SPARE MY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BROTHER FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER. NYEH-HEH-HEH!" Without warning, the skeleton grabbed at Sans' wrist bones. "HUMAN! I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO MY BROTHER IN SECRET FOR A MOMENT, IF YOU WILL PLEASE EXCUSE US. IT WILL BE SECRET!"

"Of course," said Frisk. "I'll be right here. Just make sure it's not too secret, please."

Sans covered his face with his hand as Papyrus marched toward the fog bank, still holding his brother's imaginary wrist. "Ya can't touch me, remember?" Sans called after him.

"...I KNEW THAT. CONGRATULATIONS, BROTHER! YOU HAVE PASSED THIS TEST! NYEH. ...HEH." Papyrus waited for Sans to join him, and they walked towards the river. "ARE YOU SURE THAT'S NOT KRIS?" the younger skeleton asked doubtfully.

Sans laughed, jerking his thumb in Frisk's direction. "Does that human look like a sixteen-ish-year-old boy?"

"HMM. NO, IT LOOKS LIKE A HUMAN. BUT! IT SEEMS DELIGHTFUL! THE GREAT PAPYRUS THINKS YOU SHOULD BRING IT BACK HERE WITH YOU. IT'S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE WE HAD A HUMAN TO PILLOW-FIGHT WITH, NYEH-HEH-HEH."

"That's probably not a great idea," Sans remarked.

"NYEH-HEH! WHY NOT?"

"I could spend literally the rest of the night tellin' you all the reasons why not, but the biggest one is that she's the High Priestess, Pap. The other humans would definitely notice if she was gone."

"HIGH PRIESTESS?" Papyrus cocked his head in perplexity. "WHY WOULD A DELIGHTFUL HUMAN BE A HIGH PRIESTESS? DON'T THEY CREATE BARRIERS?"

"It's complicated, bro. Look, I've gotta go soon. Is there anything else you wanna say?"

His younger brother paused, and sighed, shoulders slumping. "SANS. WERE YOU REALLY JUST LOOKING FOR FOOD? WHEN YOU GOT CAUGHT, I MEAN."

The bigger skeleton tried to kick a chunk of ice into the water, his foot passing right through it. "I wasn't slaughtering humans, if that's what you're askin'. I was mostly tryin' to track down monsters who've been sold off recently. But I did want to see how the humans' harvest turned out, an' it looks like it was pretty good this year."

Papyrus nodded, still troubled. "ALL RIGHT, BROTHER. I UNDERSTAND. PLEASE, JUST...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. NYEH."

"You too, Pap." Sans felt a familiar stab of trepidation and backed away. "Shit, I've got a nightmare coming. I'll see ya soon, okay? Don't tell anyone about Frisk!"

He had to turn and run before Papyrus could answer. Frisk was sitting on the bed in the snow field, ducking snowballs. She turned and started to say, "I hope you weren't telling on m—"

"No more dream! End it now!" he panted.

The priestess didn't waste time asking stupid questions. As the nightmare nipped at Sans' heel, Frisk made a quick swiping gesture, and just like that, he was back in bed, in the bedroom, staring at the sun-washed ceiling.

The skeleton sighed in relief. He rested his forearm across his eyes. Between the radius and ulna, he could see the flickering shadows of birds flying past the open windows. "Thanks, kiddo," he said, "an' thanks for lettin' me talk to him. I really appreciate it." Sans scratched the top of his skull, rolling over to face Frisk. "So, how'd you like Papyrus? He's a cool guy, huh?"

Frisk didn't answer, because she wasn't there. A strange human child sat in the armchair, perched on the edge of the seat, holding a kitchen knife. It stared at him with red-shining eyes, teeth bared in a horrible grin.

If Sans had had more than a shred of magic left, he would have pulled all his blasters at once and obliterated half the building. As it was, he jerked back, nearly choking in terror. The child wasn't moving, but menace radiated off it like heat from a furnace, eyes boring into him as its grin widened. Sans looked around wildly for an escape. The windows were too small, but maybe he could—

A sharp whistle split the air. The barrier snapped on, and the child vanished.

Sans was sitting upright in bed again, in the dark, awake, panting as though he'd run a mile in a few seconds. "Sans, I am so sorry!" The light snapped on. Frisk stood at his bedside, wide-eyed, clutching the neck of her robe. "I didn't think I was going to have that nightmare again before we woke up! I thought it'd be fine, I—" She took a step onto the bed, leaning over to grab his humerus. "Sans? Sans! Please say something!"

He shook her off, and she stumbled backwards, falling into the armchair. "What the fuck was that?" he rasped.

Frisk sat up and pulled her robe tighter around her shoulders. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I should have warned you. It's the reason I have that barrier up in the first place." She swallowed hard. "It shouldn't happen again."

"It better not," Sans snarled. "What the hell was that thing, anyway?"

"I don't know." She looked so miserable that Sans wanted to smack himself, but he was too unnerved to lie and tell her that it was okay; he was shaking so hard that he could almost hear his bones rattle.

For a solid minute, the only other sound in the room was the wind blowing outside the shuttered windows. "I hope you had a good talk with Papyrus," Frisk said presently with a decent attempt at calmness, placing her palm on the bedroom door to dissolve the thick barrier. "I can see why everyone likes him so much. It's good to know he hasn't changed."

The skeleton grunted, hoping she was smart enough not to ask him any questions about him changing. "Yeah. Thanks for fixin' that up for us. Sorry I pushed you just now."

"It's fine. It was an accident." Frisk fiddled with the key in its lock. "You know, Sans, I'd like you to help repair the damage you caused, but...if you still want to leave, I won't stop you. I wasn't thinking of how much it was to ask, staying an entire month."

Sans stared at her. She wouldn't turn around. Finally, he said, "What the crap, lady? You already let me talk to Pap. That was the whole reason I tried to bust out of here. Why wouldn't I stick around 'n make it up to you? Ya really think I'm that bad?"

There came a soft knock at the door, startling them both. "Your Eminence?" It was a male voice, deep and pleasant. "Are you awake, my lady? Please forgive my intrusion, but His Holiness urgently requests your presence."

Daylight was showing through the closed shutters. "Yes, of course. I'll be there in a moment," said Frisk, running her fingers through her hair, eye twitching as she found a tangle.

Sans watched her, and watched her move to unlock the door, feeling a different sort of unease. "Wait a sec," he rumbled. "Frisk, wait. Didn't you bar the big doors last night? How'd he get—"

The man knocked again. "Just a moment," Frisk repeated, turning the key. She glanced behind her. "What, Sans?"

The door banged open. Before she could blink, a stranger in tattered clothes rushed in, his arm raised to strike.

The boss monster was already moving. The man lunged, and there was a sound of steel hitting bone; the priestess found herself staring at the tip of a knife, inches from her face, jutting from between massive skeletal fingers. "Sans!" cried Frisk, twisting around to look at him.

Red clouded Sans' vision, but one clear spot remained: with his free hand, he reached out, corralled Frisk and gently maneuvered her behind him, fingers forming a protective cage. The other hand flexed briefly, then backhanded the intruder so hard that the man rolled clear out of the bedroom, hitting the worktable with a crack and a thump.

The skeleton clamped his teeth on the dagger's hilt and pried the blade out from between his knuckles, jerking his head to fling it to the other side of the bedroom. There was technically nothing to pierce where the knife had been lodged, but it still stung. He glanced down to be sure Frisk was unscathed, then edged forward into the workroom.

To his great irritation, the man wasn't dead; he was not only conscious, but pulling himself up on the table. "Who the fuck are you?" demanded Sans. Only the vague awareness that Frisk was watching kept him from grabbing the guy and pinching his head off.

The stranger wiped the corner of his mouth on his sleeve, squinting against Sans' literal glare. He was gaunt and generally gross-looking, but had moved fast enough and aimed the knife with enough skill to peg him as a professional killer. "What's a big-ass talkin' skeleton doing here? They said you got sold off already!" The assassin laughed shakily. "So it was you bashin' that wall down! What the hell'd you even do that for? It took me all goddamn night to get out!"

Sans glanced at the office door, which was ajar. Several pieces of broken masonry had been moved out of the way by shoving the door repeatedly from the inside. The guy must have snuck into the office after Frisk left, while Sans was in the bedroom but before he blocked the entrance, and gotten trapped in his hiding place by all the debris piled against it.

It would have been kind of funny, except that if Sans really had left, Frisk would be dead now.

The young woman was leaning on Sans' femur, peering around his outspread fingers. He could feel her trembling, which only intensified his urge to kill something. "I know you," she said. "You spoke to me after a service last week. You said I...I..."

"Had a positively angelic voice?" The man leered at her, showing several broken teeth. "S'truth. But I needed to be sure 'xactly who you were. The last High Priestess used body doubles sometimes." He looked her up and down. "Gotta say, I like yours a lot better."

She shuddered. Sans leaned down, not taking his now-flaming eyes from the assassin. "You need this piece of crap alive, Frisk, or can I take 'im apart now?"

"Frisk?" The man cackled, slapping the worktable with a dirty palm. "That's your real name, lady? That's gotta be the dumbest—"

And just like that, he launched himself at Frisk, closing the distance and ducking between Sans' legs like a snake. He whipped another knife out from his belt and would have sliced her neck open if Sans hadn't been ready to nudge her out of the way, grabbing the assassin on the backswing and slamming him against the open door.

Before Frisk could react, Sans turned his head to the opposite wall and said, "Holy crap, what's that?" As she whirled around, Sans plucked the knife out of the man's hand and gave him one squeeze, very quick and very hard. "Whoops, my bad. Nothin' there," he said to cover the sound of ribs breaking.

The priestess started to turn back. "Stay where you are," Sans ordered, pulling the assassin out of her line of sight, stepping into the workroom and closing the door behind him. "Oh, no you don't," he said loudly, as if chasing the man down. "Nooo, stop! We just want to talk to...oh, no!"

The assassin didn't seem to appreciate the theatrics, especially because Sans was carrying him straight to the broken wall. Ignoring the man's feeble protests, the skeleton drew his arm back and murmured, "Now think about what you've done, pal," before tossing him out into the open air.

His only concern was that the bastard would make a lot of noise on the way down, but it seemed he'd knocked the wind out of him, ha. By the time Frisk peeked out of the bedroom, the assassin was long gone.

Sans shook his head and turned from the opening. "Nope. Sorry, I couldn't catch him before he told us who sent him." He wished he had his jacket; his hands had nowhere to go. "You all right, Frisk?"

The priestess gulped and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. "No, I'm not." She slid down, back to the wall, and wrapped her arms around her knees.

She didn't seem be physically hurt, so for the moment, he said, "'Kay," and stared at the slightly open office door. "Son of a bitch. I'm gonna tear that guard a new one. D'you think he knew you were sleepin' in there, or was it just a convenient...place to...crap."

Frisk's shoulders had hunched and her face gone pale. Sans ground his teeth, cursing his stupidity. "Well, it's over. He won't bother you again," he reassured her, coming to kneel beside her. "At least that cover story 'bout the assassin ain't a lie now. Right?"

She didn't look reassured at all. With the threat of bodily harm removed, Sans was out of his element again, with no clue how to help her. Should he frame this as an inconvenient but probably solvable problem that she'd always known might come up? No, that would be dumb. She already had enough problems. She didn't need to worry about more shitheads getting in here to hurt her. As long as she was an important and politically vocal person, it wasn't like she could do much to...

Wait. That was it: Sans had the idea. "Actually, ya know what?" He waited for her to shake her head. "You were sayin' this weird stuff about me leaving once I'd seen Pap. Before we talk about that, I gotta ask, what's the going rate for a bodyguard around here? A good one, not just some moron following you around tryin' to look scary."

She bit her lip, a habit Sans had noticed and been distracted by several times already. "Um...it depends. A skilled full-time personal guard? Anywhere from fifty to a hundred dinar—"

"Oh, nice. I can probably—"

"—an hour. I only sleep a few hours a night, so..." Frisk gave him the ghost of a smile. "If you're offering your services, Sans, I'd be glad to accept. Would a salary of one thousand per diem be acceptable?"

Now he really was at a loss for words. "A thousand a friggin' day?" he repeated blankly.

Frisk nodded. Her shock seemed to be fading as she thought aloud: "You could pay for your clothes in one day, and I can negotiate the repairs down to about ten days' worth. After that, well, wheat is about five dinar a bushel." Despite herself, she sniffled again. "You could buy a lot of wheat, or beans, or...or wedding cakes, or literally anything else you want to take Underground with you."

He was patting himself on the back when, without warning, Frisk's smile faded. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you before I unlocked the door." Sniff. "Thank you for staying with me." Sniff. "And thank you for saving my life."

Shit shit was as far as Sans got before he lost even that bit of coherence. His senses were already heightened by the unexpected danger, his SOUL still feeling a little queasy at how close she'd come to dying right in front of him; to cap it off with Frisk looking up at him like this with big eyes, messy hair, and her robe falling off her shoulder was more than he could handle. She never looked bad, but right now, damn.

Sans didn't realize he was reaching for her until his fingertip brushed her cheek, toying with a wavy lock of hair. "Don't mention it," he said gruffly. "'s the least I can do."

Frisk pulled away, face flushing, but only in momentary surprise. He devoutly hoped that she'd get up and go get dressed, or maybe pack her things, buy a fast horse and leave the kingdom forever, but that damnable woman didn't know any better than to smile and take his hand, or at least rest her hand in the space between two of his fingers. "Just so long as you keep in mind that you're still my apprentice," she said with mock sternness. "Do you promise?"

Fffffffff

Neither of them understood what happened next. Sans felt something welling up that made him want to grab her and...he didn't know what would happen next, but he wanted it so badly that he backed away in sudden alarm. All he knew was that this feeling – this energy – had to go somewhere, and if he directed it at her, he could accidentally mash her into paste. The only thing he could think of was to whip around, look for something else to latch onto, and focus his attention on the pile of stones, etc. by the office.

His magic was barely available, or so he would have said a minute ago. Fueled by the whatever-it-was, though, and with the barrier gone from one of the walls, Sans didn't even have to think about it: Frisk jumped back as the heap of debris by her office began to glow red, rising into the air and flying into the broken wall. To their mutual astonishment, the outside bricks and internal structures zipped back into place first, followed by more bricks, mortar, stone, wood, and finally the glass and lead of the windows. When the dust settled, the entire facade had been imperfectly but almost entirely restored, the floor sagging under the windows.

Sans stared at his hand, still breathing heavily. "Huh," he said by way of explanation.

"Indeed." Frisk absently ran her fingers through her hair again, working out a tangle as she examined the wall. "Did I know you could do that?"

"I didn't know I could do that." Now that the unfamiliar energy was gone, Sans found he wanted to sit down. He sat down next to her, comfortably but not dangerously close. "Welp, I need a break from life," he said, which got a laugh out of her. He snorted. "Break. I actually didn't mean that one."

Frisk gave a long, long sigh. "We'll knock down your fee to three or four days of repairs," she said gravely.

Sans couldn't help grinning. "I always knew there was mortar life than money."

She kept a straight face until he added, "Makin' it pretty again is gonna be a pane in the glass," whereupon she broke out in hysterical, snorting laughter, which cracked him up in turn and guaranteed a minutes-long feedback loop.

As nice as this all was, Sans was a little concerned when he got under control and she kept going, and going, and ended up nearly gasping for breath. "You okay, kid?" he asked. "Ya need some water?"

"Oh, Lord," she wheezed. Frisk wiped her eyes on her already-damp sleeve. "Sans, you're killing me."

Silence. Frisk thought about it, and promptly buried her head as far between her knees as she could get it. "I didn't do that on purpose," she said, muffled and sheepish.

Sans shifted his weight. He wasn't ready to admit to himself how badly the whole attack had scared him, much less to her. Just to check, he considered escaping again – maybe once she was letting him walk around with her outside and his magic was naturally restored – and now, less than twelve hours after doing his damndest at it, he couldn't believe how much he hated the idea. No problem, really; he could chalk it up to her letting him connect with Papyrus and needing to make it up to her. Also, holy shit, one thousand dinar every day for the next twenty-five days? That was as solid a set of reasons as he'd ever come up with.

"Well," he finally said. "Guess you'd better get yer scary witch dress on and go tell everyone about this whole mess." He snapped his fingers, making an odd click, as something occurred to him. That's right—I got both those knives off him. Maybe someone can take a look at 'em and figure out who he was, where they were from."

Frisk raised her head, staring into space. "No," she said, as if to herself. The boss monster looked askance, and she smiled in a small, nasty way he hadn't seen before. "We won't say anything." The smile grew. "I'll go about my day as if nothing happened, except I'll be accompanied everywhere by a ten-foot skeleton. Whoever set him after me will have no idea what happened, and it'll drive them absolutely mad. We can see if anyone incriminates themselves, but...ohh, I'm going to enjoy this."

"It's a neat idea, but the garbage threw itself out already, remember?" Sans indicated the repaired wall. "Someone's bound to notice 'im."

The young woman did a remarkable impression of shock and distress, eyes wide and mouth hanging open before she murmured, "That poor man jumped from such a height? What a hideous tragedy. Peace be upon his soul and those of his loved ones."

"Daaaamn" was all Sans could say. He might have killed the guy and covered it up, but he couldn't look that cute telling a bare-ass lie! Also... "Ain't you a priestess? Isn't that a little...?"

Frisk scowled. Despite her bedhead and furry robe, she was the very image of sternness and, yes, determination. "I was taught that it is my duty to aid the weak and be an instrument of justice against people who, for example, want to stab me in my own bedroom when I've done nothing to harm them. It's no sin to protect yourself."

The skeleton shrugged, holding his hands out. "Okay, that's enough. I think I love ya. Where do I sign up to kill people for you?"

The priestess laughed. "I bet you say that to every girl you try to escape from. And, please, don't kill anyone." She glanced at the clock, and her amusement melted into panic. "Dirt! I have matins in twenty minutes!" She sprang to her feet and made a beeline for her dressing room. "Can you please find my veil for me?" she called before she shut the door.

Sans also got up, muttering, "'Dirt'? Seriously?" as he retrieved the veil from where it had blown onto the table. As an afterthought, he returned to the bedroom and picked up the assassin's daggers. He studied them, saying out loud, "I think I'm screwed, is what I am," then placed them on the nightstand.

He heard Frisk emerge from her dressing room and went to meet her as she asked, "Sans, do you have my—"

He handed the veil over. "Thank you, sir." She threw the veil over her head and adjusted the headdress over it. "May I assume that you haven't been to many religious services?"

"Er..."

"Well, we have an oral contract, effective immediately, and I am going to church, so you are going to church." She inclined her head, moving toward the double doors. "Follow me."

And, of course, he did.

#frans #onwards aoshima

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raendown · 4 years

Link

Pairing: IzunaTobirama Word count: 2078 Soulmate au: The one where touching your soulmate will rapidly heal their injuries

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

KO-FI and commission info in the header!

Chapter 211

Obviously he knew that getting in to the Uchiha compound and getting to Izuna were going to be two different tasks with two very different levels of difficulty. For a sensor of his ability it wasn’t all that hard to avoid the patrols and find a spot where he could slip between the buildings out of sight, feet silent as they tread on cursed ground. Much harder was dodging the rapidfire attacks of an overprotective maniac. He’d forgotten that Madara was a sensor too, not quite as naturally talented as himself but well trained and quite sensitive.

His opponent ranted mindlessly about not letting him finish the job he’d already started as they danced over rooftops and dodged around trees. Tobirama did what he could to simply avoid each attack without retaliating, knowing that he would never hear the end of it if he somehow got in a lucky shot. It was both lucky and unlucky, then, that Madara had always been just that much stronger than him, enough so that he was able to keep Tobirama busy darting from place to place when he really did have somewhere he needed to be as quickly as possible. Obviously he hadn’t expected this little trip to be easy. He’d just thought the trouble would be getting out rather than getting in.

“Stop running and just let me kill you!”

“You may find this hard to believe”-Tobirama scowled as he barely dodged a sharp blade to the ribs-“but that would run counter to something you want very badly.”

“All I want right now is your head, Senju!”

Madara bullied in close, forcing Tobirama back even farther from his goal. He really was getting tired of this. If at all possible he’d hoped to avoid using the failsafe he brought along, not wanting to deplete his chakra stores just in case, but it was starting to look like there was no other way for him to get where he needed to be. The opening he needed came when Madara’s foot slipped on a loose tile, barely a stumble with how quickly he recovered but it was just enough time for Tobirama to loose a kunai that sailed over the man’s shoulder unimpeded. His opponent lifted one eyebrow in a look of disdain and snorted.

“Your aim is shit,” he growled.

“Is it?” was Tobirama’s snarky reply. Then he reached for the hiraishin marker he’d just thrown and disappeared from one brother to appear in front of another. Izuna coughed in his direction with little surprise.

“Took your time getting here.”

Rather than waste breath with apologies, Tobirama let his insult be known with a simple huff as he slipped across the room to pull his lifetime rival upright. “There is utterly no airflow in here, how do they expect you to heal in such a stagnant environment? I’m surprised my kunai was able to come in through the window without bouncing off a dozen or so protective seals.”

The moment his hands closed around the other man’s arms Izuna drew in a ragged breath that sounded like a drowning man gasping for air - a little too close to the mark, probably, considering the weeping bandages wrapped around his torso. Long used to communicating in silence, both of them agreed without words that now was not the time to address whose blade had cut in to whom. Tobirama still winced when his soulmate did the same. Being in tune was one thing but just because the pair of them had accepted their bond long before their idiot brothers ever even met didn’t make them mind readers. He had assumed Izuna would dodge the opposite way.

Lucky for him Hashirama wasn’t around to give him any lectures on making assumptions.

On the other hand, Madara was definitely still around. With his sensing abilities it didn’t take him very long to figure out where his opponent had gone. It took less than a minute for him to cross the distance Tobirama had been able to traverse instantly with his Hiraishin and it was hard to tell whether the twisted emotion filling his face as he entered was annoyance at himself for falling behind or rage at seeing an enemy wrapped around his already injured little brother. Likely it didn’t help anything that Tobirama had been the one to deal this injury.

“GET AWAY FROM HIM!” To his credit, even in such an agitated state his aim was utterly perfect, cutting straight towards Tobirama’s head at such an angle that Izuna was not in any danger of taking the blow.

“Oh for the love of chakra.” From the exasperation in his tone it didn’t seem like Izuna appreciated the efforts being made on his behalf.

“I won’t let you hurt him anymore!” Madara shrieked as he lunged forward.

Tobirama was smart enough to drag Izuna in to a tight hold before dodging away. “Do you see me hurting him?” he asked with just a hint of that smarmy tone that got him in so much trouble as a child.

He immediately regretted having such an attitude when it only seemed to enrage the other man even farther. Izuna sighed in his arms but made no attempt to struggle. And why would he? Trying to get away would be the exact opposite of helping himself.

“If you actually want your brother to live then you’ll back off!” Tobirama dodged the next attempt to catch him, just barely resisting the childish urge to stick out his tongue.

“EXCUSE ME?” Madara hollered. “How dare you threaten him like that!”

Lounging in the arms of his ‘captor’, Izuna very seriously examined the nails on his right hand. “Brother, do lower the volume. I have a headache from all the incense the elders keep burning. Honestly, I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve told them I hate the stuff.”

“PUT MY BROTHER DOWN OR I SWEAR I WILL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE WITH MY GUNBAI TO YOUR FACE!”

Tobirama held his precious burden tighter, prompting Izuna to take another deep breath and let it out as a sigh of satisfaction. Already he sounded like he could breath so much easier as the damage to his lungs slowly repaired itself. Most of the bandages around his chest were already soaked through but the bleeding at least seemed to have stopped, the edges of his wound undoubtedly stitching themselves back together out of sight.

Surprisingly it took a while before either of them realized how ridiculous it was to keep dodging around the tiny sick room. Tobirama’s speed allowed him to stay just out of reach but even knowing that he couldn’t relax, more than aware of how brutal his death would be if Madara did finally manage to get a hold of him. It was only after he had rebounded off the same wall four times in the same minute that he finally threw in the mental towel and decided that braving the rest of the compound was at least more likely to provide some sort of escape route than running circles in here.

“GET BACK HERE!” Madara’s voice followed after him as he barreled through the open window. “CAPTURE HIM! DON’T LET HIM GET AWAY WITH MY BROTHER!”

“Oh you’ve done it now, dick head,” Izuna piped up calmly. With color returning to his face he looked so much better than he had just minutes ago, wasting away with nothing to ease the pain but a cup of poppy milk left at his bedside. Dangerous if not used correctly. Whoever thought that was a good idea was going to find themselves on the wrong end of Tobirama’s temper if he made it out of this without getting skewered.

“Can’t you calm him down somehow?”

With a look on his face as though that simply hadn’t occurred to him, Izuna cleared his throat with several exaggerated coughs and twisted with a surprising amount of ease. “I’m not really in any danger Aniki. You can stop chasing us.”

“Not in any danger!?” Madara choked on several apoplectic noises. “You are - stop dodging me Senju! - in the arms of your deadliest enemy and you think you’re not in any danger!? When I get you back in a bed I am going to tie you there until your common sense returns!”

“Tobi won’t hurt me, will you Tobi?” Izuna said in a coy tone.

Before he had a chance to tell the idiot for the hundredth time not to call him that Tobirama was startled in to missing a step by the softest little kiss against his cheek. Leave it to Izuna to find the most inappropriate way to show his trust. Apparently everyone they were currently in eyesight of was just as shocked, the woman who had meant to assault them from the shadows sailing by harmlessly only to crash headlong in to a wall and remain there unmoving. Madara, of course, was the first to recover his voice after such a surprise.

“HAVE YOU LOST YOUR ENTIRE MIND?” he screeched.

“Down the volume, dearest brother, I am perfectly safe in the arms of my soulmate. He’s healing me, you massive oaf, and it would be a much more comfortable process if you would stop forcing him to dash around.” With a cute little huff Izuna tossed his hair and Tobirama very seriously considered asking the next Yamanaka he ran in to about erasing his entire memory. What he wouldn’t give to just disappear in that moment.

“When I said calm him down,” he muttered, “I didn’t mean that you should tell him all our secrets.”

Then he winced at the volume of Madara shrieking his disbelief that any Senju could be his precious brother’s soulmate and certainly not the one who almost put him in an early grave. Tobirama held his precious bundle a little closer with a shiver at the thought. Or perhaps the shiver was for the way Izuna curled in tighter to whisper for his ears only.

“Imagine what he’ll say when he finds out we made friends even before him and that giant walking tree you call a brother.” He snickered quietly under his breath while Tobirama tried to take a few bracing lungfuls of air. That particular little nugget of information was likely to go down about as well as the rest had so far, although it was far from the worst reaction they were sure to face. When Hashirama found out that he had made peace with an Uchiha, found his soulmate in an Uchiha, fell in love with a bratty Uchiha? The amount of hugs he was going to suffer through almost made him think about setting Izuna down and throwing himself upon Madara’s much less painful mercy.

Death could only happen once, after all, but the shame of being lifted off his feet like a child and cuddled like a kitten was sure to last for years to come.

“I would say you owe me for this,” he grumbled, “if I hadn’t been the one to run you through in the first place.”

“Next time we plan our dance a little better,” Izuna agreed.

Somewhat tuned out at this point, Madara could be heard shouting demands to know what they meant by ‘planning’ as well as accusations of brainwashing. He went largely ignored. Despite the crowd gathering around him, most people seemed more interested in the way their heir looked perfectly comfortable in the arms of his so-called deadliest enemy.

“Am I going to regret coming here to save your life?” Tobirama asked with a hint of drama he would deny till the end of days.

“Oh don’t be like that,” Izuna chuckled. “Here, let me make it worth your trouble.”

“How exactly do you- oh.”

Tobirama could practically feel the fire rising in his cheeks, refusing to look down at the man settling back in to his arms after twisting up to plant a kiss on his lips. Several other members of the Uchiha clan joined their leader in screeching with confusion and he did his best to ignore all of them.

If he managed to get out of this compound alive he and his soulmate were going to have another very long talk about what sort of behaviors were appropriate with others around. And maybe another long talk about when the hell Izuna seemed to have developed feelings to match his own. That conversation promised to be particularly interesting.

#rae writes #soulmate collection #izutobi #izuna #tobirama #madara #fanfiction

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swtorramblings · 4 years

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Sith Science-9: Vaylin and Losrss'Tremma at Nathema

Vaylin and Nox by @fleeting-sanity, commissioned by @lord-sutherland, reposted with permission. Apologies to ST:TNG for the title of the story.

Losrss'Tremma stood calmly, an eye in the heart of the storm, which only infuriated Vaylin more. She glanced at the smashed consoles and melted walls, at the lightning still coming down all around her, felt the wind blowing back her hair. Finally, she just said, blandly, “You keep saying how little you care. Why this drama?”

Malora was angry, but at Vaylin, not at her. “Would you please stop destroying my things?” she shouted. Nox thought that it wasn’t a good time to worry about possessions, but considering everything, kept that to herself. Vaylin was screaming, “I don’t care about her, but how could you let her go? She’s dangerous!” “Yes. I’d like her to be dangerous for me instead of to me.” Vaylin was starting to calm down, slightly. She said, “And you think you can control her?” “No more than I can control you. And I wouldn’t want to.” “Fine. What makes you think you can trust her?” “I really don’t think you’d understand.” The lightning had stopped falling, at least, and the wind was dying down. “Tell me anyway.” “You.” Vaylin paused, then laughed, bitterly. “What, did you threaten me? You know that won’t work.” Vaylin was so annoying when she didn’t live up to her own intellect. “No, which is part of why I didn’t. She’s just grateful to have you back.” Malora put in, “Really? She said that? To you?” “I am a very good conversationalist.” They all just stood in silence for a moment. Vaylin finally said, predictably, “And you believed that.” “I did. I could feel her emotion and heartache.” And am not above using them to keep Senya loyal, she didn’t say. “It won’t last. It never has.” “Perhaps. We can deal with that time if it comes.” “Do you think she’ll tell anyone?” Malora asked. “She’ll keep it a secret for now. I said she could tell Arcann.” Vaylin scowled at that, but before she could say anything, Nox went on, “He must be suspicious. Even if he didn’t feel your return as strongly as Senya did, he has to know something has changed. Her recent behavior will make him even more suspicious. It’s better to control when and how he finds out.” Vaylin looked like she was going to throw another tantrum, but she suddenly stopped, tilted her head, and grinned. “Oh, you should have let me. It would have been so much fun.” Malora said, “Yes. Far too much fun.” “There is no such thing as too much fun.” Malora just waved that off and starting to see what she could salvage. Vaylin, always helpful, went and sat down on the damaged furniture. Nox had news, anyway, something that was reported to her as she had raced to get to Asylum before Senya. “It’s sooner than I’d hoped, but I need Vaylin to help me with a task.” Vaylin’s eyebrow lifted in vague amusement, while Malora gave her a sharp look. Vaylin just said, “Oh?” “Yes, I think it’s safe to say that you’re the only one who can deal with it, in fact. If anyone can.” “Oh, now you’re just teasing.” “I’m not. It involves Nathema, and what Vitiate did to it.” Another long silence, this time with Malora breaking it. “You can’t be serious.” “Sadly, I am.” “You want to risk all of my hard work?” Vaylin was obviously stricken, but still said, “I’m so glad you’re concerned.” She then stood, turned away from them both, and left the room. Nox just watched her leave, then said, “I think you annoyed her.” “It won’t be the first time. She’s hard not to annoy.” “Something you have in common, then.” “You’re trying to distract me. And whatever tedious anger she’s feeling, it’s because of you. Why would you want to take her there? Why would you want to hurt her like that?” “Something has happened. I want to make sure it doesn’t go any further, and she might be the only way.” “What if she’s not enough?” “She has to be.” Malora mulled that for a few moments, then said, “If it’s that bad, why aren’t you bringing more? I should be with you, and her. If only to monitor her.” “You will be. On the ship, not the planet.” “Why?” “Because if it comes down to it, someone needs to escape to give warning.” Malora gave a bitter laugh. “As if the Empire or the Republic would believe me. I’m not loved by either, you know.” “Yes. Convince them.” That’s when Vaylin returned, wearing clothes neither other woman thought they’d ever see her in again. Malora just lifted an eyebrow, leaving Nox to say, “I thought you wanted to leave that life behind you?” Vaylin took a deep breath, then said, stiffly, “I do. I am. But if I am going to return to that world, it is going to be as an Empress.”

On the way down, Losrss'Tremma had explained the mission. She thought Vaylin was taking it very well, considering. She didn’t outwardly show any sign of the fear she had to be feeling. In fact, she was more controlled than Nox thought possible. Almost calm, but she had to wonder wonder how brittle that calm was. She was off the ramp within moments of the ramp hitting the ground, before Nox had adjusted for the assault on her own senses, and stalked into the all but obliterated Sanitarium, only waiting briefly for Nox to catch up. When she had, she said, “We don’t need to go inside.” Vaylin sighed, and said, “Yes, I do.” Without any warning, no sign of strain or even lifting a hand, the rubble in front of them shifted, cracked, and finally was violently thrust away from them. Malora had thought there would be some lessening of her power. Nox didn’t see it. Vaylin looked at her handiwork, smiled slightly, and began down the tunnel she had formed. A path to the place she had been tormented, and Nox followed her down, drawing her lightsaber to provide the two of them a source of light. The Sanitarium had been placed at the old ritual site, the better to focus that ancient power for its experiments, and perhaps more, Nox now understood. The pressure on her mind increased, but if Vaylin could resist it, so could she. Eventually, with a few more displays of power, they reached their apparent destination, the now mostly smashed glass cage. All the better to observe their subject. She had seemed more like a force of nature than a human being while Nox couldn’t get a clear view of her face, but now that she had caught up, she could see that Vaylin was breathing heavily, had broken into a sweat. She almost asked if she needed to rest, but then thought how she herself would react to anyone questioning her own strength. She simply waited for Vaylin to do whatever she was here to do. Which was to enter, dig for a few moments, now with her bare hands. She picked up a small object, perhaps ironically saved from destructive power she had unleashed here by the cage itself. A small carving, created by a child that hadn’t existed since they had broken her. A bear. Nox was surprised and blurted out, “You came here for that?” “No, I came here for my dreams of freedom. But it was a picture, and must have burned. But this will do.” A picture? What picture could be that important? She would have to think about that later, she knew. Right now, her thoughts were too muddled. “It’s here,” Vaylin said. “Yes, I feel it. Are you ready?” “Yes. For the last time. Let’s finish this.” There was a chuckle. His voice came out of the darkness surrounding them. “Yes, Daughter, let’s.” Vaylin gritted her teeth. “No, ‘Father’, not this time.” “I can feel your fear, and your pain. Give in, child, and I will free you from both. And from your new masters.” At that, Vaylin laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous. I have no masters. I have allies. And you are not my father.” “Then who am I?” Nox answered that. “Nothing. No one. An echo from when a world died, pretending to be something it thinks she would fear.” The voice shifted to something older, a voice Nox knew, the voice of her former Emperor. “And what do you fear, my former servant?” Vaylin and Losrss'Tremma looked at each other. It was her turn to laugh. “Come now, I don’t fear him. The Emperor was useful to my plans, and when he no longer was, I hunted him down and destroyed him.” The voice changed again. Neither recognized it. Perhaps this was Tenebrae? It didn’t matter. “Very well, then. What are you here for? Whatever I am, I can still grant you power, knowledge.” “None of which is worth the price. Why would you think I brought her?” “I know why. Because you think she might be able to destroy me. I assure you, she…” Vaylin interrupted. “Oh, do shut up.” There was a burst of power, purple lightning raging upward. The tunnel they had followed, that Vaylin had cleared, was now exposed to the sky. The dead air of this world began to stir, that same gale Nox had experienced in their final confrontation raging once again. As the storm intensified, the energy took form, a giant figure struggling against it. The thing roared, no longer even trying to sound like human or Sith. Its skin cracked, light pouring from it, as it reached down towards them. For a moment, Nox worried, win or lose, that neither of them would live through this, but then the thing began to wither, to collapse back in on itself. In one last burst of thunder, it was gone. She only realized she could still hear when she heard Vaylin, laughing weakly. “Thank you for bringing me. That was fun.” Then she sighed and would have collapsed, but Nox caught her and held her up. “Well done, Empress.”

#Vaylin #Losrss'Tremma (OC)#Darth Malora #Nathema #Old ghosts

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bellatrixobsessed1 · 4 years

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A Flame For A Cabbage (Season Finale)

Azula wanders around somewhat aimlessly. She doesn’t know where she is or how she got here. She is conflicted as to how she should feel about this place. On one hand, there are cabbages everywhere, all sorts of them; cabbages that look to be made of emerald, albino cabbages, spotted cabbages, and spirit cabbages among others. On the other hand, there is no one to sell them to. Not that she can see anyhow.

Being an opportunist, Azula harvests several of these stranger cabbage varieties. She holds one up to the half-light of the jungle canopy. She wonders if she might be dead. That would explain her confusion and the odd cabbages. But Azula doesn’t feel like she has died. She doesn’t know how she would have. Unless she had been a silent host for the virus this whole time and it has finally claimed her. Or maybe she had fallen off of the blue dragon.

It might just be that the void has simply decided to claim her this time around. Granted, she always thought that the void would be a lot darker and with less cabbages.

“Avatar Yangchen, the monks always taught me that all life is sacred. Even the life of the tiniest spider-fly caught in its own web.” She hears a familiar voice.

“Yes. All life is sacred. Well, except for the life of that one mosquito that got in my mouth and bit my tongue.”

Aang blinks, he has never heard of a mosquito doing that before. “I know, I'm a vegan.” He declares proudly.

“Avatar Aang, I know that you're a gentle spirit, and the monks have taught you well, but this isn't about you. Not everything is about you.”

“Hey, Avatar.” Azula cuts in.

“But I’m the main character.” Aang ignores her.

“Many great and wise Air Nomads have detached themselves and achieved spiritual enlightenment, but the Avatar can never do it. Because your sole duty is to the world. Here is my wisdom for you; take a glock and cap a bitch!” With her piece having been said, Yangchen disappears like dust in a breeze.

Momo emerges from behind a tree, bench pressing a log thrice his height and weight. “I guess I don't have a choice, Momo.” Aang comments. “I have to kill the Fire Lord.” He says it as though he had never caused enough collateral damage to kill a background character. But that doesn’t really matter, because background characters still don’t have feelings anyways. In fact, Ozai has just killed a background character for the lolz. He opens each summer with an annual festival wherein background characters are hunted for sport. Aang has never partaken in such a monstrosity but he has killed so many background characters without knowing it, that it is hypocritical of him to be angry at Ozai for killing background characters.

“Avatar!” Azula says, but she says it into a megaphone so Aang jolts and falls off of his rock. It is fine though, because Momo holds him upright. Momo is still bench pressing a log.

“Yes, Azula?”

“Since it is only you and I right now, I have no choice but to ask you if you would like to buy a cabbage.”

“Not right now, Azula. I have to save the world.”

Azula rolls her eyes. Main characters are sooo dramatic. Azula is glad that she is not a main character. The reader is reminded that she is a main character and is granted a reminder of how she silently wept to herself, clutching her favorite cabbage and a roll of toilet paper because she realized that letting go of her boyfriend was a mistake and she is lonely. “Look, Avatar, cabbages are the world.”

“They’re your world, Azula.” Aang replies firmly. “One of these days you’re going to have to realize that there’s more to life than selling and growing cabbages.

Azula gasps in offense and clutches her hand over her heart. For a moment she thinks of Jet. Instead she says, “no, Avatar. Cabbages are the most important thing.”

“I don’t have time for cabbages. I have to…” He pauses. “Hey, you’re really good at plans and stuff! How can I save the world without killing the Fire Lord?”

“I will tell you, if you buy a cabbage.” Azula replies smuggly.

Aang groans and fishes out a few gold pieces and thrusts them into her palm.

“Have you tried using quantum physics to replace this world’s Ozai with one whose worst crime was telling one extrodinarily awful dad joke?” Azula asks.

“Azula, I don’t know how to do that.” Aang replies.

“Oh.” She responds. “Well you aren’t getting your money back.”

.oOo.

“You sent for us, Princess. Is everything all right?” The head dailluminati agent greets.

“Actually, everything's not all right!” Sie looks behind him. There is nothing there, nothing of importance. The thing that is not alright is that he cannot seem to remember his Netflix password and he still has to finish Pretty Little Liars. “Do you know my Netflix password?”

“Uh ... password?” The man answers.

Sie types that in, only to be denied access once more. Even if he does find the right password, it does not matter because TVs do not exist. His Nexflix does not exist. Sie blinks, what was he trying to do again?

He thinks it over. That’s right, his father has left after crowning himself the Phoenix King. Unfortunatly for the world, the spirit that had possessed his soul, causing him to do ridiculous things like own a flamingo rock garden and bulk buy an excess of toilet paper has fled. Ozai is now a complete and unrepentant asshole again. He made sure that everyone knew it by looking Sie dead in the eye and telling him, “you are no daughter of mine. You are a mere peasant. A waste of space.”

“But, father…” Sie had started.

“I am not your father.” The man spat, before making his way to his airship. It had been like a knife in Sie’s chest. He does not know why his father is treating him like this so suddenly.

It haunts him as he sits on his throne. At least he thinks that it is his throne now that his father is gone. He doesn’t even hear the dialluminati agent apologize to him. Nor does he notice the lizard people who have assembled in the room. They chatter amongst themselves, something about a very important meeting for the superior species. A series of beams flash down and suddenly Sie is alone in the throne room. Alone and pacing back and fourth. It is all falling apart, everything is falling apart. He can’t let it fall apart or he will have to deal with her wrath…

.oOo.

Azula folds her arms over her chest. She has to admit that she is growing bored. She had always thought that the coming of Sozin’s comet would be more exciting. More bombastic! But it is actually quite peaceful. This strange island has a nice and balmy breeze. The only sound comes from the lapping of the ocean and the rustling of a breeze.

“Where am I?” She wonders out loud. Really, she ought to get back to the Fire Nation. She has cabbages to sell and her new business partner to talk to. Though she thinks that the Jasmine Dragon might be closed being as the Earth Kingdom is about to be burned to the ground. Azula scoffs, wondering whose foolish idea that was. What. A. Moron.

“Hey, so this island is actually just a giant lion-turtle!” Aang calls from afar.

“Fascinating.” Azula mutters uncaringly. “Does it know how I can sell cabbages to a nation that is focused completely on war?”

“I’m not sure, he’s talking to Momo about his workout routines.”

.oOo.

“Attention, crew, this is your captain speaking. Everyone please report to the bomb bay immediately for pan-fried noodles and roast duck.” Sokka announces. Azula feels a faint pang of jealousy that she cannot place. “We have a very special birthday to celebrate.” But they won’t be celebrating any birthdays, they are practicing social distancing.

“Hey, I'm Qin Lee. I work up in communications.” Qin introduces himself.

“Oh, hi. I work down in the engine room. That's probably why we never met before. Big airship, you know?” Replies the man casually. “So, do you know whose birthday it is?”

Qin is about to tell the man that it is his birthday when another man approaches and exclaims, “I can't believe the captain remembered my birthday. He really does care.”

Qin coughs, “he was actually talking about my birthday.”

But Sokka wasn’t talking about any of their birthdays. With the press of a button the void opens up and claims its remaining sacrifices. It has been appeased. Sozin’s comet will not demolish the world as they know it, Bosco and his band of furious furries will not return, and the universes will not merge together in a chaotic and destructive blend. This, however, excludes Earth Kingdom Azula, whose eyebrows allow her to travel through time and space. But she is only eight years old so she does not yet know how to use her eyebrows to ignore the laws that hold the universe together as everyone knows it. What she does know how to do is use her eyebrows to blast holes in the walls as Suyin shrieks in agitation.

.oOo.

Azula yawns, she wishes that the Avatar would hurry his conversation up so that she may speak with the lion-turtle.

“...but I don’t want to kill him! I can’t kill him, I’m a vegan!” He throws his arms up in the air. “There’s got to be another way. Azula said that I should try to bend time and space but I don’t think that I can master that on time.”

Azula rolls her eyes. “That’s the wonderful thing about bending time and space. You don’t have to know what you’re doing.” She gives her bangs a lazy flick. “Really, the less you know how to do, the more effective you will be. Just tear a hole into the delicate balance and let the chaos take care of the Fire Lord for you.”

Aang blinks. This is uncharacteristically sinister for the usually peaceful cabbage merchant.

“Now move aside and let me speak with the lion-turtle so he can bless me with the wisdom I need to improve my marketing strategies and people skills.”

“Do you understand, avatar?” The lion-turtle asks.

“Can you repeat that last part?”

The lion-turtle nods before speaking in tongues. “If you can memorize that chant and successfully analyze the fire lord’s zodiac as it applies to the comet, you will be able to take his bending from him. If you do really well, you can also take his soul, his dignity, and his left sock.”

Aang nods. “Thank you…”

“Chuck.” The lion-turtle says. “You can call me Chuck.”

“Finally.” Azula mutters. “Help me face the lion-turtle.”

Never passing an opportunity to show off his swol legs, Momo lifts Azula up and holds her in front of the lion-turtle.

“Do you mind?” Azula frowns up at Aang.

“You listened to my conversation!” Aang points out.

“You aren’t trying to run a business. I can’t have any potential competition knowing my strategies.” In reality, she is planning on asking the lion-turtle for romance advice and she does not need the avatar to see her get all flustered upon thinking of Jet and his beautiful abs. “Don’t you have a Fire Lord to face?” She asks.

“I don’t wanna.” Aang whines.

“Well then I guess that everyone you know and love will die.” Azula says nonchalantly.

Aang shrugs. He isn’t too worried; both he and Jet died and came back.

“My parents aren’t home.” Azula says.

Being as the void still has some influence, the world seems to glitch. A fizzy, staticy image seems to overlay Aang’s face, making him appear like a blue hedgehog as he hastily makes his way to his glider. He has to go fast.

Azula gives a sigh of relief and watches the boy depart before turning back to the lion-turtle. “I have a problem.”

‘A’ is an understatement. She has several problems. Most of them pertain to the dipping of cabbage stocks. But there are a few that have to do with the fact that she still has not had her fill of roast duck and pan-fried noodles--at this point she is practically willing to eat her body weight in the stuff. Another such problem is that she had stepped in a puddle and now her socks are wet. But these aren’t her main concerns. “I had someone important to me. He’s gloriously beautiful, he’s funny, and he taught me how to draw dickbutt. I think that I...have a very deep attachment to him. But I have to focus on my cabbages because I...I love my cabbages.”

“Yes, go on.” The lion-turtle nods.

“I think that I am going to have to choose between Jet and my cabbages. I need a way to get Jet back without sacrificing my business.”

The lion-turtle lifts a claw and presses it to her forehead. She understands now. She understands everything. She knows how to make this right.

Momo sets her down beside her cabbages before he flies back to the lion-turtle’s face.

“So anyways, if you want legs like these,” comes an extremely deep bass voice, “you’re gonna have to do a lotta squats”

“Sick, dude.” Replies the lion-turtle.

.oOo.

Sie unfolds his lawn chair and lays back. Though the sun is not out, the comet shall provide him with enough heat to work on his tan. His coronation ceremony hasn’t yet started, possibly because Ozai had never given him the crown. Boy is Zuko going to be disappointed. He doesn’t know what they are going to fight over today. He takes a sip from his coconut drink as a sky bison obstructs the sunrays he that he is trying to bathe in. Sie smirks, he knows exactly what they will bicker over.

Yes, he will open by scolding his brother for blocking his sunlight and then he will hit him with the big one!

Zuko leaps off of the bison, a parachute expands. “You’re not going to become Fire Lord today!” He declares over the roar of the wind.

“What?” Sie asks, he cannot hear Zuko from this distance.

“You’re not going to become Fire Lord today!”

“What!?”

Zuko lands. “You’re not going to become Fire Lord today, I am.”

“Yeah, about that.” Sie says, missing his opportunity to begin the first fight. “Father never gave me the crown so neither of us will become Fire Lord today.” Sie shrugs.

Zuko frowns, “we can still fight over the crown for when father gets defeated.” Zuko suggests.

“Yes, I suppose that we can, brother.” Sie agrees. They are off to a horrible start with this whole arguing thing. “There’s only one way to settle this. Just you and me, brother. The showdown that was always meant to be. Rock, paper, scissors!” He whips out a small booklet, a rock, a piece of paper, and some scissors.

“You're on!”

“What are you doing? He’s playing you. He knows hhe can't take us both, so hhe's trying to separate us.”

Zuko shakes his head, “we’ve been playing Monop-uno since we were kids. It’s a two player game.”

“But even you admitted to your uncle that you would need help facing Sie.”

“It’s fine, my sister has always been awful at rock, paper, scissors and this way, no one else has to get hurt.”

Katara nods and Sie and Zuko stand on opposite ends of the courtyard, kneeling as you do before beginning a game of rock, paper, scissors. It is always best to start any board, card, or any kind of game by kneeling before your God and asking for protection lest the game transform itself into an ouija board and you find yourself dealing with Zozo the board demon. The camera pans to show Zuko kneeling on his side of the courtyard and then to Sie kneeling on his. And then to Zuko standing up and turning around; he slips on a banana peel as he does and topples. The camera pans out again to show Azula passionately making out with Jet. This is an error; that was supposed to have been a private moment. The camera pans out to Sie who removes his sunglasses, for he does not have a ceremonial robe to remove.

“I'm sorry it has to end this way, brother.” Sie says.

“No you're not.”

With that the battle begins. But if you look into the portal nestled in the corner of the courtyard you can glimpse at another world entirely. Another world where Azula and Zuko are about to face each other. In this world the conversation was much longer.

“No you’re not.” Zuko says.

“Yes I am.” Responds Azula.

“Are not.” Zuko replies.

“Am to!” Azula insists.

“Are not!”

“Am to!”

“Are not!”

“Am to!”

“aRE NoT!”

“I am TO!”

They do this until Sozin’s comet passes and then stand in solidarity, weeping because they have both missed their chance to spectacularly show off their firebending. They hug each other and cry. They apologize to each other for being little assholes. Katara rolls her eyes and shakes her head; that whole family is full of drama queens.

In this world, Zuko and Sie take up their stances. Zuko makes the mistake of revealing his choice in his stance by holding out his pointer and middle fingers. He improvises by pretending to bend lightning. Sie scoffs, “lightningbending is forbidden until round three!”

“Sorry.” Zuko apologizes, “I was getting excited.”

“Rock! Paper! Scissors! Shoot! Long ago, the four hand signs lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Shoot Nation attacked. Only the Cheater, master of all four hand signs, could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he vanished…”

“Katara, please.” Zuko says.

Katara coughs, “sorry, I was just trying to get in the spirit of the game.” She puts her foam finger away.

“You can still call ‘rock, paper, scissors, shoot’, if you want.” Sie says.

“I guess.” Katara shrugs.

.oOo.

Azula covers her ears, she does not know what that dreadful sound is, it is like a shrill ring combined with elevator music. It has a catchy beat, but, spirits, it should not be played while she is trying to have a moment with Jet! She wishes that the void would stop trying to talk to her while she is with Jet. At least she is assuming it is the void.

“Well that just killed the mood.” Jet remarks.

“Yeah…” Azula trails off. Truth be told, she was not ready for this yet. She thinks that it is too soon in their rekindled relationship to show him her mixtape, even if it is totally fire. “Maybe next time.”

“Sure, next time.” He smiles.

“Jet?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you really think that my business is going to fail?”

“What!? No! No! I just said that because I was mad.”

Azula smiles, she might actually be getting teary-eyed. “Well, I’ve only sold a single cabbage, and I was only able to sell that one by taking advantage of someone’s frustration.”

Jet laughs, “that’s how you’ve always sold your cabbages! By manipulating and taking advantage of people, you’re doing great!”

“Yes, but I usually manipulate and take advantage of more than one person…”

“Well, you always make your best sales in the midst of disaster, and it just so happens that we are in the middle of the biggest battle in over a hundred years!” He gestures to the fire and chaos in the streets of Ba Sing Se--for this is where the lion-turtle has dropped her off. People are screaming and wailing and panic buying more toilet paper, forgetting that toilet paper is very flammable. “I mean, the Fire Lord is about to burn the entire Earth Kingdom to the ground!”

Azula’s eyes light up. “You’re right! This is absolutely catastrophic! I-I think that I can do this.”

Jet takes her hands, “you can do this.”

.oOo.

“Tag, you’re it!” Zuko declares.

Sie curses. He picks up a dodge ball and chucks it at Zuko who dodges it and dashes for the nearest pair of scissors that he can find. Sie throws another dodge ball. Zuko sets this one on fire as his fingers curl around the scissors. Sie takes this chance to grab a rock.

Zuko snarls, before recalling something important. “I am on base!”

“Ha!” Sie calls, “base has moved over there!” He points across the courtyard.

Zuko curses.

“One point to princess Sie!” Declares one of the spectating Dailluminati agents.

“BOOOOO!” Hollars Bumi, who has flown in from all the way in Omasok to witness this event. He is not pleased at the current standing.

Sie chucks the dodge ball once more. Zuko leaps out of the way. “What no paper today?” He shouts. “Afraid I’ll use scissors!?”

“Oh, I’ll show you paper!” Sie spits. He takes a deep breath and pulls out a sheet of fine art paper. Zuko drops into a defensive stance. Katara and Bumi bite their nails. The Dailluminati agent steps out to take a phone call.

Sie begins quickly and meticulously folding the paper into an origami turtle-duck. Zuko’s eye go wide. Sie’s look between Zuko and Katara. “Quack, quack, bitches.” He says with a smirk as he throws the duck at Katara.

“Nooooooo!” Zuko throws himself between Katara and the origami turtle-duck. Zuko lands with a harsh thud and the origami turtle-duck lazily drifts down and lands harmlessly upon him.

It then explodes and transforms into a real turtle-duck. The turtle-duck doubles in size and begins judging Zuko’s fashion choices and life-decisions until he can handle no more.

“Zuko!” Katara calls. “Don’t listen to it, your outfit is on point!”

Sie cackles madly, “but it doesn’t go with his eyes!”

Zuko weeps harder.

.oOo.

Azula confidently marches right into the epicenter of the chaos around her. She scans the crowd for the most horrified face. She comes upon a woman who is shrieking and begging the void to claim her before she can be burned alive.

“You!” She points at the woman as Jet begins singing the soulja boi.

The woman turns to her.

“As you can very clearly tell, you are going to die.” Azula pauses. “So you might as well spend every cent that you have on my cabbages.” It might be the firey backdrop or the way it casts swirling shadows around Azula. But the woman is absolutely terrified, she stumbles back before she practically throws the coins at Azula. The merchant collects them and hands her several cabbages. “Thank you for your business! Have a lovely day!”

“Th-th-thanks.” The woman shudders. “Please don’t hurt me.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Azula smiles. “But will it be necessary with you?” She turns to the man next to her.

“No, ma’m.” The man trembles and holds out a few coins.

“Wonderful!” Azula claps her hands together. “Enjoy your cabbages.”

Soon she doesn’t even need to approach her customers, they are coming to her. They actually want her cabbages. She is going to get so much roast duck and pan-fried noodles.

“Wow, Azula, you’re doing incredible!” Jet remarks.

“I know.” She agrees.

“Hey! Merchant!” Shouts a familiar voice and Azula’s blood runs cold. A Fire Nation soldier steps out of the crowd.

“No…” Azula mumbles.

“Yes.” The woman says.

“I will not allow you to set my cabbages on fire.” Azula declares and pulls out a John Cena knife--Mai is using her Kenu Reeves one--the soldier will never see it coming.

“Set them on fire?” The soldier asks.

“Yes.” Azula replies. “I know that you have been chasing me to set my cabbages on fire because you think that they are infected.”

“That’s not why I’m chasing you, merchant. I’m actually just here to return something that you dropped.”

Azula cocks her head, “oh.”

The woman hands her a picture. Azula feels around her pocket. Spirits, she hadn’t even realized that she dropped it.

“Aww, that’s the first dickbutt we drew together.” Jet smiles. The panicking crowd stops to give their own affectionate ‘aw’ and ‘that’s so cute’.

“Thank you.” Azula says. But the soldier is gone. No. Not gone.

“Sike!” The soldier yells. “That was just a decoy!” She sets Azula’s stall on fire.

Azula screams in anguish. It had been going so well. So, so well. And now…

Her stomach knots in rage and pain as her cabbages cry out in agony and torment. She balls her fists, it isn’t fair. It isn’t right. She has worked so hard for this. This was supposed to be her moment. Her big breakthrough.

Azula screams again. This time she can feel the rage flowing through her, opening each and every one of her chipoints. The energy swells and surges until it overflows. Her eyes glow a vivid blue and the crowd steps back. All but Jet.

Jet is a foolish man. When Azula enters the Farmer State, her power is unchecked and horribly deadly.

Large carrots and kumquats burst from the cracks in the ground. “You will suffer for destroying my cabbages.” Azula vows. But it isn’t just Azula speaking. It is also the souls of each and every deceased cabbage she has ever grown. They now lend her their unfathomable power.

“Azula, don’t do this.” Jet calls up to her levitating form. “You’ll kill all of these people.”

“Ehhh...they were going to get burned to a crisp anyways!” Azula shrugs as she sends a sharpened carrot crashing down. It nearly impales the soldier. Instead strikes the ground creating a crater in the center of town.

“Azula, please!” He begs.

But the merchant is too far gone. This doesn’t stop him from drawing nearer to her. A deadly rain of jalapeno peppers fall all around, mercilessly pelting the crowd.

Jet takes her hand. “Azula, I love you.”

Azula shudders, no one has ever done that before. No one but her cabbages.

“You don’t need your cabbages. You have me now.” He promises. “We could grow new cabbages. Better ones.”

“But what about the missed opportunity?” Azula frowns.

Her eyes still glow, but her body falls. Jet takes her into his arms. “There will be new ones. Better ones. You’ve partnered with the Jasmine Dragon!”

The glow fades from her eyes, she feels so terribly small. “But this was supposed to be my moment.”

“This is your moment.” Jet gives a soft and warm smile. He cups her cheek and gives her a gentle kiss. “This is our moment.”

The crowd gives another ‘awww’. The soldier grumbles to herself, for her boyfriend has just left her.

Maybe Jet is right, maybe life isn’t only about growing and selling cabbages. Maybe there is more to it. Jet squeezes her hand as Ozai’s air fleet reaches Ba Sing Se. Azula is glad that she has gotten a taste of true affection before she meets her demise.

Ozai steps further out onto the platform and takes a deep breath. He pulls out a megaphone, “princess Azula, it is time to end this foolishness.”

Azula groans to herself.

“This has gone too far!”

She folds her arms over her chest.

“Please come home, I am tired of the Cabbage Merchant, he is too needy!”

“I am the Cabbage Merchant, father!” Azula declares.

Ozai inhales sharply through his nose only and rubs an exasperated hand over his face. “You are the princess of the Fire Nation! You get on this airship right now and go to your room.”

“I will not.” Azula stands her ground. Jet slings his arm around her. She is a cabbage merchant now, this is her life!

Ozai claps his hands together and holds them to his mouth. “Okay, how about this. If you come home right now, I’ll let you keep your boyfriend.”

Azula keeps her arms firmly crossed. “I am staying right here with my boyfriend and my flaming cabbage stall.”

“Look, I’m sorry that I took your tank away, I might have overreacted a little.” Ozai gives in. “Please end this, whatever it is, and come home.”

Azula only offers him a smirk.

#Avatar #Azula #Cabbage Man #Zuko #Jet #Ozai #Aang #Katara #Jetzula #Fanfiction

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minigenos · 6 years

Text

Holidays, Part 2

Part 1 ― Part 2 (you are here)

Genos plans a romantic holiday evening for Saitama. However, as this is the One Punch Man universe, things quickly start going to shit when monsters attack.

The atmosphere at the banquet hall was relaxed and friendly, though one wouldn't think so based on Genos's expression. While Saitama was nearly halfway done with his food, the cyborg hadn't touched anything in his bowl. He was just... staring at it.

Oh god, not again, the hero thought to himself as he looked over to his date. He's over-anaylizing something again, isn't he?

Saitama knew the only way to snap Genos out of his current mood was to get him to say what was on his mind, much to the older hero's chagrin.

He really hoped it wouldn't be another ten-minute long essay this time.

“Uh, Genos? You haven't touched any of your food yet. It's going to get cold...”

“Oh?” Now that Genos had been brought back to reality, the only thing left to do was brace for whatever he had to say next.

“Sorry sensei, I was just thinking. I should have been able to detect those two monsters you defeated well before we actually saw them. Now I'm beginning to wonder if my sensors are faulty or monsters have developed some way of hiding from them...”

Saitama looked over at Genos. Or, more specifically, the crack in his head from when the hero mistakenly hit it like an alarm clock.

Hmmm...

That might be the reason why his system wasn't working properly.

But it was Christmas, and Genos shouldn't have to worry about something like that. If anything came along Saitama could handle it. Now all he had to do was convince the cyborg of such and get him to drop the subject.

“Ah, yeah, well don't worry about it. They're gone and if anything else shows up I can deal with it, no problem.” Saitama managed a smile to make what he said more genuine, which Genos seemed to begrudgingly buy.

“You're right,” he finally admitted. “I'll just have to make sure Doctor Kuseno checks it the next time I go in for repairs.”

For a brief moment Saitama was exceedingly glad the doctor didn't have any means to contact him – he probably would have gotten an earful from him over damaging Genos in such a stupid way.

With Genos's mind put at ease for now the pair could finally relax and enjoy their dinner in peace.

Except not really.

With Genos's sensors out of commission, everyone was taken completely by surprise when part of the roof and wall caved in and the shadows of a dozen monsters materialized in the swirling dust and snow.

Every single one of the workers fucked right out of the room at the very first sight of the monsters. They definitely weren't getting paid enough to deal with that kind of crap.

“Hm, hm! Well, isn't this a surprise,” one of the monsters said. “Someone who didn't run away for once. Are you too scared to move, or too stupid to know when to get out of the way?”

At the direction of the monster closest to the heroes, the entire group began to move forward well before the dust and snow had settled.

“Well, since you gave us such a warm welcome,” the same monster as before said, “please allow us to introduce ourselves.” Standing before them was what seemed to be an animated tree with two sets of stubby, gnarled legs and one pair of over-sized arms that ended hands with varying numbers of sharp claws. On what could be considered its torso was a giant number “1” while where its head would have most likely been was a circular robotic structure that held a bird within it. One of the bird's eyes and part of its head were robotic while a monocle was somehow held up against its other eye.

With a couple egotistical chuckles the bird spoke again. “We are The-”

“Hey look Genos, it's a cute little pigeon!” Saitama said, completely cutting off the monster. “Do you think they have any bread in the kitchen we can feed it? I wanna go check.”

“Sensei...” the cyborg whispered in what could be considered a pleading voice for him. He tried to grab onto his mentor to stop him, but the man was already out of his normal reach.

“Would you stop that!” the bird monster shouted, causing Saitama to freeze in his tracks. The tree it was positioned on top of lurched a huge step forward in response.

“Oh hey it talks!” Saitama smiled over his delayed realization. “Neat, a talking pigeon”

“I'M NOT A PIDGEON YOU IMBECILE!”

Now that Saitama's focus was solely on their newest adversaries, the hero finally took the time to look over each monster in the group. Thankfully for him, all but one were number-coded for easy identification.

1 – The talking pigeon (“I'M A PARTRIDGE YOU TWAT!!”) and animated tree.

2 – A bipedal, mostly white, turtle with unusually large claws. Saitama could see bursts of pink flames erupt from the limbs every so often. Its number was sewn onto a silver arm band.

3 – One of the most human-looking of the group, this monster had long, flowing silver hair and held a long cigarette marked with a “3” in a gloved hand. Her white boa provided a sharp contrast to her floor-length black dress.

“Oh hey, you look really nice!” Saitama couldn't help but compliment the monster.

“Oh? Tu es un charmeur,” she replied in a somehow italicized French accent.

4 – While the head of this monster was identical to that of a common sparrow, just enlarged to fit the rest of the body, everything from the neck down looked almost boringly human, even down to the black suit and polished shoes. A small “4” was monogrammed onto its pocket square. It might seem rather uninteresting, but this was definitely a high-class monster.

5 – A solid gold-colored, cartoonishly haute humanoid. He probably wasn't real gold; maybe 10k at max. He seemed to use psychic powers to continuously levitate and spin five circular gold blades at speeds fast enough to rip through flesh. Instead of telling time, his watch showed only the number 5 – honestly, there were some days where Saitama could get behind that sentiment.

6 – The only un-numbered one of the bunch, it was literally just a giant goose. Likely it had ripped its marker off.

7 – This monster seemed to have the head and upper body of a black-colored swan wearing a long, iridescent black feathered dress that trailed on the floor. Saitama couldn't tell if it had normal human legs, really long bird legs, or if it was just two swans standing on top of each other. He figured it would be too rude to ask. A black corset with a silver “7” jutting from it indicated where her place was in the group.

8 – This monster seemed... suspiciously human. A burly woman in a red and white maid's outfit, combat boots, and spiked punching gloves marked with one bright red “8” on each one seemed like something one would see at a cosplay convention than with a group of blatantly obvious monsters.

At this point Saitama wished there were fewer monsters because the descriptions of each individual one was becoming extremely tedious.

9 – Saitama had to admit, this monster looked surprisingly interesting. It was a ballet dancer made up of possibly millions of shards of crystal that seemed able to shift and reform its body at will, though most of the time was contorting its body in the approximate shape of the number 9.

10 – This monster seemed like it would again be more at home at a cosplay convention, or even a Renaissance festival. They looked like a ridiculously over-sized elf, aside from the mask over its eyes which turned them into a pair of glowing white dots. A belt held together with a “10” buckle stored numerous smithing tools and picks while the monster held a heavy mallet in each hand.

11 – A massive, completely mechanized hedgehog with a thick black sack for a belly and musical pipes as opposed to quills. Its number was engraved into large gears placed at the monster's hips.

12 – The final monster of the batch, and one of the few that looked like a monster to boot; a large demon drum with rows of spikes along both sides of its body. Based on how easily rubble was crushed into dust under its feet, it was safe to say this monster was notably heavier than it looked.

With each monster finally registered, Saitama had only one thing to say.

“You guys seriously take orders from a pigeon?”

“OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM NOT A PIDGEON!” the bird shouted as his wings slapped down onto the rim of his mechanical nest.

“He's an angry pigeon,” Saitama teased, which resulted in even Genos rolling his eyes. “Oh! Wait, I get it now! It's like the song! How's it go?”

“W...what?” the bird muttered in a perplexed voice.

“FIVE GOLDEN HENS!!” the hero bellowed at the top of his lungs, startling both Genos and the group of monsters. His student was the quickest to recover and pointed out his mentor's mistake.

“No, no, sensei. It's five golden rings. The hens are day three.”

“Are you sure? I thought they were golden hens...”

The pair spent an obscenely long time debating among themselves what item corresponded to each day and wildly failing, while the group of monsters that were very blatantly based off of the song stood. Directly. Across. From. Them.

“What shall we do?” the monster marked with a 3 asked.

“This is getting ridiculous,” the feathered ringleader of the group replied. Together they were no less than a Dragon-level threat, possibly bordering on that of God.

And they were being ignored by an over-literal cyborg and hoodie-wearing humanoid egg.

“Just kill them already!” the bird ordered with a wave of his wing, which triggered the monsters into launching forward – fangs, claws, fire, or tools bared – and bear down on the two heroes.

The sudden commotion was finally enough to break the pair from their discussion. Genos dropped down while his robotic body flared to life, while Saitama merely just turned his head.

“Don't you know it's rude,” he started while balling his left hand into a fist, “to interrupt other people's conversations?” He swung his fist in an arch, which made direct contact with the “1” on the sentient tree, causing the monster to disintegrate instantly. The shock wave from Saitama's punch completely destroyed the other monsters, causing their bodies to be torn to shreds and splatter in a wide arch around where they died. Only two monsters managed to survive the carnage by getting blown back and managing to avoid a fatal amount of damage.

“Get up Golde. We need to get out of here.”

“W... what happened?” The gold-colored monster rose shakily to an approximate sitting position and looked at the other monster. Hen looked pretty roughed up, to say the least. Her dress and boa had seen better days, and the cigarette she had gotten from Par as a gift for joining the Knights was long gone.

The pair had been knocked notably far away from their original spot and landed in a poorly-lit area far enough away from the heroes to escape their notice. A true lucky blessing for them if ever there was one.

“I don't know how, but we survived.” The made a long, pained sigh. “I think we're the only ones who did.”

“But- but you've got to be joking! We're notably weaker than some of those monsters! Heck, we're not even full-fledged monsters like they are-”

“Were.”

“...were... but you're saying we are the only ones that made it out alive?”

“Oui.”

Golde let out a dejected sigh and held his head in his hands. His partner stretched out her hand as a silent reminder for him that they needed to get up and get the heck out of there before reinforcements arrived. Or, even worse, those two heroes found them.

“How the hell did it end up like this,” he muttered to nobody in particular.

Neither Golde or Hen, his female co-patriot, were full-fledged monsters just yet, but were welcomed into the Demon Knights because they fit the rolls so well. Originally they had planned to just wait it out under the other monsters' protection until they had completely turned themselves, but now those plans had been completely shot to hell.

“Well, what now?” Golde asked as he wrapped one of Hen's arms around his shoulders.

“I have some items left in storage,” Hen replied. “If my contacts are still around I might be able to sell them and make enough money to open a store somewhere.”

“Hm? What kind of store?”

“I was thinking... a café or bistro maybe? I always enjoyed visiting those places as a child...”

“Ooh! Can I help?” Golde seemed to perk up at Hen's words, causing the woman to get knocked off-balance. “I've always had an eye for interior design and art.”

“Oui. But first,” Hen said as she readjusted herself, “let's focus on getting out of here.”

Golde had no choice but to nod dejectedly at the suggestion. Heartbroken over their loss but determined to make it out of the shitty situation they now found themselves in, the pair walked off into the night to piece their lives back together again.

On a positive note, the Demon Knights had been swiftly vanquished by Saitama. On a less positive note, about a third of the banquet hall had been demolished. That was a small problem for the heroes. The hall's owner probably wasn't going to be very thrilled over what they did.

As Genos called the owner and tried his best to explain what had happened over the other person's loud swearing, Saitama checked out what was salvageable from the food tables. It seemed only the fruit, vegetable, and one try of miniature cakes were, as those three were the only ones to still have a covering on them. Still, it was better than nothing. The hero picked up the three trays and walked over to a mildly frustrated Genos.

“I called the owner and they will be here shortly,” the cyborg said as he pulled out a Hero Association contact card and sandwiched it between a piece of rubble and one of the remaining tables. “I'll leave a card just in case he couldn't hear me over his own swearing.”

“Good thinking Genos,” Saitama commended his partner. He would have given a thumbs up, but his hands were full from the salvaged food. Genos turned around to thank his mentor for the compliment, but froze when he saw what the hero was carrying around.

“Sensei... why...”

“What? I don't wanna waste food if it's still good. This stuff's still covered so it's fine.”

“Yes, but...” Genos quickly realized any argument against taking the food would be futile, and let out a defeated sigh. “Fine,” he acquiesced, “but what now?”

“Hey, are you two OK?!” a familiar voice shouted from outside the newly “renovated” hall. The pair turned to find Mumen Rider in full uniform with a bag of groceries hanging from a handle bar.

“Oh, hey Mumen,” Saitama said before walking over to the other hero.

“I heard a loud explosion while I was out getting groceries, so I checked out and came as fast as I could. Looks like you took care of... everything... though,” he finished while looking around at the destruction.

“Yeah things got kinda messy,” Saitama nodded. “But, uh, we still managed to salvage some of the food, so that's good.” He hoisted up the trays in his arms to show off to the hero.

“Hmmm,” Mumen mused for a few seconds. “Hey, I have an idea!” He held up his pointer finger to emphasize the fact that he had an idea. “Why don't we stop off at the store so I can pick up a little more meat, and we can use it and those vegetables in a hot pot? I haven't had a chance to make that in ages!”

Saitama was on board almost immediately.

“Heck yeah!” the hero beamed. “That sounds great! You wanna do it, Genos?”

Even though the cyborg wasn't particularly thrilled about how the night had gone, he couldn't overlook the fact that Saitama seemed exceptionally happy over the suggestion.

“That's great,” Mumen smiled. “The store's right on the way home, so it won't take long at all to go in there, get what we need, and head back out.”

The group of three left the hall's parking lot with some light-hearted discussion, and completely ignored the owner of the establishment, who had just shown up. It was probably for the best that nobody was around him in the end; the string of expletives that spewed forth from his mouth could have made even Tiger-level monsters shrink back in horror.

“Alright, took a minute to put together, but here we are!” Mumen smiled as he set the hot pot assembly on the middle of the table. Finely-sliced pieces of beef along with vegetables had been carefully arranged in the bowl which was just now starting to heat up. It would be a little while before everything was ready, but even now the aroma was enough to make Saitama's mouth water.

“Hey, thanks for this,” Saitama said as they continued to sit around and wait for their food to be ready.

“It's no problem! Honestly, I was surprised to see you two out tonight of all nights.”

“Yeah,” the hero replied. “Funny enough, I almost overslept and forgot about it! Ha ha!”

Saitama's last sentence was enough to cause Genos to turn around and give him a mildly stone-faced look. The crack on his head was still very much visible, thank you very much.

In the end Genos couldn't deny that laughing off the incident was probably the best idea, despite the fact that it 100% was Saitama's fault in the first place. Tonight had turned out alright in light of their earlier setbacks, and nobody wanted to ruin it now. Genos merely waited silently for the hot pot to finish cooking as the other two heroes talked about everything and nothing at all.

“Is it done yet?” Saitama eventually asked, prompting Genos to pick up a pair of chopsticks and poke at the food.

“Seems so,” the cyborg replied.

“Aw sweet!” Saitama eagerly picked up his bowl and chopsticks, then pulled out a little bit of every item from the hot pot that was within his reach. Mumen and Genos quickly followed suit.

The pair didn't leave until nearly midnight, and to Mumen's delight cleaned out the hot pot bowl and all the dishes they had used. As the lone hero turned off the lights to his kitchen and living room, he couldn't help but let out a contented sigh. He had only planned on having dinner on his own tonight, but sheer chance had led to Saitama and Genos joining him for the evening. It wasn't anything fancy or extravagant, but he had a great time and hoped the two other heroes did as well.

Saitama woke up with a start the next morning.

They had left all of their food at Mumen's house!

#one punch man #opm #saigenos #genosai #mumen rider #minisfic #holiday #christmas

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stupidpianist · 6 years

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27 october 2018

10:00: Shut off alarm, hit snooze. I set my phone’s snooze to ten minutes, I should probably lower it to five because of the frequency with which I “snooze”...

10:10: Shut off alarm again, put it to snooze.

10:20: Turned off all alarms until alarms at 11h. Got up and chugged giant glass of water from Brita.

10:21: Back in bed. Trying to sleep more, not ready to “start the day” yet.

10:40: Woke up from strange nightmare in which the world was experiencing an apocalypse, hard to remember exact details, remember being on an ark-like massive boat, trying to escape from some kind of antagonistic war force? Remember there being a corrupt leader. Almost 99% of my dreams are about banal things, like, literally Googling things and reading Wikipedia, the other 1% are always really dangerous apocalyptic or life-threatening situations in which I’m trying to save as many people as possible.

11:00: Shut off alarm, turned over to right side, went into “fetal position,” thought, “wow, this is comfortable, wow, this is so comfortable.”

11:30: Woke from another weird dream, dreamt that I was seeing the band Ghost perform in Montreal, only, the crowd was really diminutive, and most of the people in the audience were inexplicably not paying attention to the show at all. I was able to go right up to the stage. They played a few songs. I woke up. Weird. Going to get up now and clean my bathroom, it needs a “thorough scrubbing.”

11:31: Chugged another massive glass of water from Brita. So satisfying, one of the most satisfying things, waking, feeling dehydrated, taking glasses of water “to the face.” Mm. Yum.

11:32: Cleaning bathroom. Have probably super-harmful-to-environment chemical thing that is used to scrub porcelain surfaces. Have my “trusty,” “handy dandy” cleaning sponge. Have paper towels. First scrubbing tub, it’s gotten so grimy, wow… I remember when I used to work in a local ice cream parlor in my town, and one of my favourite things to do would be to mop the floors. The other employees and managers found this really weird, always said, like, “nobody wants to mop the floors,” but I always explained that it was one of the few activities that you could see the 1:1 results of your efforts immediately after doing it, and so I found it really really satisfying. Feeling the same way right now, scrubbing the tub, seeing all the muck and filth wash away with every little sponge motion.

Moving onto the sink now, first have to clear everything off of it. Electric toothbrush, check. Plastic comb, check. Gatsby hair product thing, check (when Phoebe came to use my wifi she was like, “of course you use Gatsby,” and I thought “oh crap, I’ve been ‘caught,’ I’ve been ‘pigeonholed’”). Toothpaste, check. Razor, check. Scrubbing sink now, scrubbing hard, scrubbing efficiently. This chemical stuff really “works wonders,” there must be some seriously bad stuff in here… Should I be using gloves? I don’t have sensitive skin, I’ve never really had problems with… With chemicals and my hands? I don’t know, seems like I should be using gloves right now.

11:43: Okay, deep-clean scrub finished, going to shower now, been looking forward to showering since last night. Don’t know why, I shower every day? I don’t know, maybe it’s from excitement that I’m, like, “preparing for the night,” going to meet up with person I met for drinks with a few nights ago this evening, extremely excited to do this, so, like, the shower is, like, propelling me into the day? Which gets me closer to the evening? I don’t know I DON’T KNOW I’m just trying to say I’m really hyped for this shower, okay? Going to put on some sweetass shower music. I got the best shower tunes, hit me up if you want the “sickest, dopest” shower playlists. I can curate them to your specific genre or BPM preferences. Just let me know, “drop me a line.”

11:48: Putting on clothes now. Going to “throw on” my “edgy pants,” and a thermal top, and “FUNERAL” hoodie, and Walnut Hill jacket. “Standard attire,” heheh. Wondering if I should also wear my raincoat? It’s supposed to rain steadily this evening, but I don’t want to be, like, sweating… I also don’t really mind the rain, it’s just water, it’s really not that big of a deal, it’s just like, you’re wet, so what? I’ll just bring my super crappy umbrella with me, that should be enough to mitigate any “water damage” my body could take. Read in Disaster Artist yesterday that Tommy had a daily routine of drinking five Red Bulls. Reminds me of me in middle school. “Fiending for” a Red Bull today, really “jonesing” for one, going to put some change in my pocket and grab one from a dep on my way to school.

12:00: Backpack: PACKED. Wallet: IN POCKET. Keys? I GOT THOSE TOO, BABY. Going to head to school and update this liveblog, and then practice piano for however many hours my brain lets me. Not sure what kind of “piano vibes” I’m getting today, but I hope it’ll be good?? Have also been putting off listening to Daniil Trifonov’s newest album, it’s Rachmaninov’s second and fourth concerti, and some Bach transcriptions. I really don’t like the fourth concerto, and I only sometimes like the second, even though I was super obsessed with it when I was younger, in my early-and-mid teens. Remember texting one of my friends, someone I feel more fondly towards than almost any of my friends, Alex, how long it took him to learn the first movement of the second concerto, just as a baseline so I could compare my own timeline and see if I was “on par” with how good at learning new pieces I wanted to be, and he told me he learned it in something ridiculous like one afternoon. He’s one of the most self-determined people I’ve ever met, maybe the most self-determined, miss him a lot. Should send him a message, why haven’t I done that...

Sorry sorry yeah so I’m going to take some time too and listen to the album in the practice rooms. Will probably/inevitably give me more practicing motivation. I am a huge fan of Trifonov. Will let you people know how the album is.

16:25: Packing up my piano books. Hey hey hey! Hi hi hi! What’s up YouTube!! If you’re wondering how the practicing went, it was… Satisfactory. I started warming up with some Schubert, his last sonata, and promptly started like sobbing uncontrollably. Can never seem to make it more than a few pages in before this always happens. Played through the first movement and second movement, no repeat in the first just to “save time” as I intended it to be a warm up, and created a pretty substantial pool of tears on the practice room floor by the time I was done. How the heck does anyone practice pieces like this without becoming a giant mess of tears?? Dissociate? I don’t know.

Felt really really good to play through it, though; one of my favourite pieces that I love the more and more I work on it. I thought I sounded really good in the Schubert, so I moved to Alkan, which was substantially worse. Felt like I had really heavy brain fog, like, a dense miasma of brain fog. Was able to play, but felt distinct disconnection between what my hands were doing, and what my head was thinking. I really hate that sensation, when you don’t feel in control of what you’re playing, so I switched to Thalberg, which was a bit better, but really just felt off. Played it through and did a little passage work before turning to Beethoven, opus 110, another one of my favourite sonatas, and my favourite Beethoven sonata by a long shot. After working on this pretty intensely I was like, okay, so you practiced for an okay amount of time, four hours or so, and even though you didn’t sound good, or feel good, you still did work, and you still put in effort.

Haven’t gotten groceries in a long time, going to head to Provigo to get supplies for massive Greek salad and pasta, here’s what I’m gonna get:

-bell peppers

-cherry tomatoes

-english cucumber

-lemon

-kalamata olives

-dill (maybe, if i want to “splurge”)

-red onion

-feta cheesee

-pasta sauce (i’m lazy i don’t wanna make it myself don’t judge me okay)

-mushrooms

Have the rest of the ingredients like dry pasta and stuff for Greek salad dressing at home. Gonna try and “beat the rain,” too.

16:45: Success in the grocery store. Also ended up buying a large scented candle as a bit of an impulse purchase; I really like things that create pleasant/comfy/cozy scents, and my Airwick thing I plug into my wall ran out of oil, and I don’t have any more incense, so I was like, “yeah, my mom loves scented candles, I love scented candles, let’s get a scented candle, yes.” Chose “Cashmere Woods” scent. It’s brownish in colour. Hope it smells as good as the name implies, one can never tell just by pure sniffing of the unmelted wax… Very… distrustful… Oh, oh! Also got bananas. Need some breakfast food that I can take and run out of the door.

16:56: Home. Going to unpack groceries and then read more of the Disaster Artist in bed, I think. Will also catch up on some YouTube tech videos. Feeling like a real nerd right now.

16:59: Got a Facebook message from the person I’m seeing again tonight!!! Okay so we’re going to meet at 22h, that gives me enough time to be productive before then, getting really cozy in bed, “settling in” for a nice read. Heheh. Ho ho ho. Something about “hehe” is just so funny to me, I still can’t place why, can any of you help explain it to me?

18:13: Got through a whole slew of tech videos, a whole mess of tech videos. Was just starting to read Disaster Artist when I heard the notification sound from my speakers hooked up to my laptop on my esk that notifies me when my younger brother signs into Overwatch. “Chatted him up” and he said he could play A FEW ROUNDS. MULTIPLE. Do you people realize how huge this is?! Usually he just has time for one! Maybe it’s because he has a long weekend? Monday for him is a teacher’s day or something, so he gets it off. Either way, here we go!!!!

19:37: Wow those were some INTENSE games. Played tank for some of it, then DPS for most of it. Haven’t actually played Tracer in so long, I used to main her so hard. Still my favourite champion to play alongside Junkrat. We played pretty well, won most of our rounds, wow, my adrenaline is so pumped up from that, can’t believe it’s been over an hour?! Holy heck that flew by. Brother going to eat dinner now, recommended that I make greek salad. Will probably do that, or maybe go for a run?? I don’t know, I’ve been so physically inactive the past week, I feel like a slug, I should at least do SOMETHING.

20:08: Yeah my adrenaline is pumping way too hard. This always happens, as a kid even if I was just having a “playdate” with a friend, I would get so so so, uh, not anxious, but like overly excited? Manic? That I literally couldn’t focus on anything or sit still, so I’d just run around doing menial activities while sweating through my palms profusely and just feeling a huge tightness in my chest. This still happens to me, but not as strongly, I think?? Unless I’m super excited to see someone, which I am tonight?? I need to “burn off some steam,” think I’m going to go on an intense bike ride, okay, see you guys soon, yes yes YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

20:13: CHRIST ON A CRACKER I forgot it’s raining now!!! OH NO HOW AM I GONNA crap crap I don’t have a flipping fender for my bike so if I go biking I’m gonna get soaked crap crap crap maybe I’ll just take a walk and blast music?? Yeah that’s feasible, won’t get too “wet” from that it’s gonna be great, I’ll do that, okay!!!! Just “thinking out loud,” here, folks, move along, nothing to see here, nothing at all.

20:41: Back from walk. Was really nice, rocked out to some Ghost (Rats, Con Clavi Con Dio, Cirice, Faith, in that order, I think?) and just chose some side streets off of Saint Laurent. Picked up a “quille” of 10.1% Labatt that the person mentioned wanting to get after she taught me the Quebec slang for those 1.17L, or 40oz dirt cheap big bottles of beer. Can’t call them 40s here, different system of measurement, can now call them quille. Seems astounding it took me this long to learn the term for it. Also got some Unibroue beers to “balance out” the pond scum that is 10.1 Labatt, even though it seems like my best friends here and I all concur that 10.1 Labatt is strangely delicious? Like we’d voluntarily, and do voluntarily drink it. Ooh, and some Powerade, lemon-lime flavour, my favourite. I’ve always preferred Powerade to Gatorade in terms of taste for as long as I can remember. You may be asking, “George, that’s a lot of liquids, why did you even get the Powerade, that’s just sugar water.” You’re right, but I just got my pay stubs from the last two weeks so I know how much I made so I was like, “you can go crazy, it’s the weekend before Halloween, do it, loser.” And you know what??? I DID IT. Going to eat a turkey sandwich now. Internal monologue repeating, “a nicely stocked fridge means a nicely stocked mind.” Hehe. Eheheheh.

#liveblog #blog #writing

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afternoonteawithme · 6 years

Link

Eren heard the faint rumble of voices from the studio suddenly grow louder, and jerked into motion. Scooting his chair back under the desk, he grabbed a book from the messy pile he’d dumped them all into when he’d arrived for the night, and slapped it open to a random page.

As he sat, shoulders hunched, staring blankly down at the page, he hoped he gave a decent impression of someone who’d actually been studying for the last forty-five minutes, and not simply spinning in his chair as he stared into space.

Two pairs of footsteps crossed the wooden floorboards of the small hallway that led from the studio, and were abruptly muffled as they reached the rug covered floor of the waiting room. Ever so casually, Eren glanced up from his book an instant after Levi arrived at the counter with their newest client.

The clean-cut twenty-something who’d walked in less than an hour before wore a pale blue knit sweater over a button-up shirt he’d tucked into neatly pressed khaki pants. The outfit didn’t really need the ornate, greek-letter-engraved ring to all but scream ‘frat boy’ – but the ring had confirmed Eren’s first impression. As had the way the man’s leather belt matched his shoes, wallet, and the collar and leash on the bright-eyed Pomeranian he held cradled in his arms.

The Pom yipped happily as she caught sight of Eren, the pink bow over her ear wobbling precariously as she strained frantically in his direction.

Eren stayed firmly in his seat behind the counter, his face firmly fixed in the polite expression of mild interest he’d been practicing in the mirror at home.

He couldn’t help but smile at the little dog, though.

Frat Boy eyed her in slight bewilderment. “I’ve never seen her act like this, with anyone except me.” He glanced back at Levi. “She basically hates everybody.”

“I noticed.”

Frat Boy winced a little at Levi’s flat tone. “Yeah, you would have. Sorry, again.” He gave what even Eren had to admit was an engaging grin. “But hey, at least her jaw is too small to do much damage, right? She barely even broke the skin, after that first time. And I really will pay to replace that backdrop she peed on if the stain doesn’t come off.”

With a fresh surge of wiggling, the Pom almost managed to wrestle free. As Frat Boy re-adjusted his grip he shot that same sparkling grin at Eren. “Historia did say said you were good with Ymir – the dog Ymir, I mean. Maybe you could help out next time. I have a feeling she wouldn’t bite you.”

Eren didn’t look at Levi as he gave what he hoped was a convincingly professional, non-committal smile. “Yeah, maybe next time.”

A slightly alarmed expression crossed over Frat Boy’s face.

Eren decided he probably should practice that particular smile a little more before trying it out in public again.

Levi barely moved a muscle, saying nothing as Frat Boy paid the final part of his bill – cash, so Eren still didn’t know his name – but it wasn’t until Frat Boy and his dog were headed out the door that Eren risked actually looking directly at Levi.

And felt every organ in his chest squeeze. Levi was watching him, his eyes unwavering, serious.

After one long, endless second, Levi’s eyes drifted away, down to the book Eren had been pretending to study. When they flicked back up to Eren’s face, there was a new, slightly quizzical expression on his face. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but then shut it, turned on his heel, and stalked back into the studio.

Eren sagged in his chair.

What the hell was he going to do to put things right?

He’d been so careful for the past two days, since the Emily incident, but the walls Levi had put up between them only seemed to be growing taller.

Levi hadn’t asked him to help today. He barely talked to Eren at all anymore, beyond the bare minimum. He spent almost every minute he wasn’t with clients in his darkroom, with the door firmly shut.

Eren had almost left a toilet dirty the night before, just to see what Levi would do. Only the fear that Levi would still say nothing to him had kept him from doing it.

Oddly, the part that seemed to hurt the most was the way Levi wasn’t there by the door, waiting, when Eren arrived for the night. It was stupid, but Eren had found himself almost losing the battle to fight back tears as he’d waited for Levi to come let him in.

Even Gix was avoiding him. Maybe he hated the tension as much as Eren did, or blamed Eren for it, because he spent most of the last few nights out and gone, only coming back in just before Eren left for the morning.

Eren was lonely, worried, and bored.

And, worst of all, he was hungry.

“Interesting.”

The deep, resonant voice nearly made Eren shriek. He jumped to his feet, chair shooting backwards, his fists up and ready.

The big, blond man standing just inside the front door smiled gently back at him. He looked cool, calm, and as if he’d just materialized in from some high class board room downtown. He wore a suit so closely fitted to his large frame that even Eren knew it had to have been tailored for him. He stepped forward, and Eren caught the faint glimmer of gold at his wrist.

“You must be Eren. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you in person.”

That voice. Eren knew that damned voice. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“The nice young man with the dog held the door for me.” Pale eyes glittered as they studied Eren. “I expect you were a little distracted.”

Eren determinedly ignored that comment. “You’re Erwin, right? You have a distinctive voice.”

“I am.” Erwin’s eyebrows lifted. “I’m impressed, we’ve only talked a few times. Since you usually avoid my phone calls.”

For a split second, Eren found himself struggling with the impulse to climb up to stand on the counter, so he could at least have the advantage of height in dealing with Erwin. He was grateful for the small, rational part of his mind that reminded him he’d look ridiculous, and that it probably wouldn’t help anyway.

Almost as if he knew what Eren was thinking, Erwin smiled. “I’ve heard so much about you. You’re not quite what I expected.”

Eren blinked. “You have? Levi told you about me?” He couldn’t help the surge of…something happy he felt at the idea. He couldn’t keep it from his voice, either.

The slight softening of Erwin’s expression was almost imperceptible. It might have been sympathy. “No, but with Levi, it’s often what he doesn’t say that needs to be listened to the hardest.”

Eren struggled with both embarrassment and disappointment. He shrugged, “No big deal.” And then he frowned. “Then who told you about me?”

“Hanji.” Erwin’s eyes flicked to Eren’s mouth and stayed there. “She told me all about you.”

And just like that, Eren felt panic bubble up in his stomach. “Hanji? What did-”

The door flew open, and the Hanji in question walked in on a gust of wind, her arms wrapped around her giant stage make-up case. She grinned at Eren. “Hey, kid.”

“Erwin, you asshole.” Levi’s voice made all three heads turn back towards the studio. Levi stood just inside the waiting room, glaring at the newcomers. “You’re supposed to give me some advance warning. I could have been busy.”

“But you’re not. Besides, Hanji said she’d let you know.”

“And I did, too!”

“Thirty seconds before you turn up is not advance warning, Hanji.” But Levi already sounded resigned, as if he knew he knew he was fighting a lost cause. “Did you text me from the street outside?”

“Exactly!” Hanji beamed at him. “Because last time you told me I gave you too much warning.”

“Oh, that’s right, Levi, I remember now. You said you wouldn’t remember something that unimportant.” Erwin shook his head, “You’ve got to stop changing your mind all the time.”

“Fuck you, Erwin.”

Erwin just smiled back at him.

With a disgusted sound, Levi turned on his heel. “Well, come on back then.”

Levi and Erwin disappeared into the studio, but Hanji stopped halfway across the room, the grin slipping from her face once she got close enough to get a good look at Eren.

“Eren. You’re too pale. When did you last eat?”

Eren flicked panicked glance after the other two. He could still hear them talking to each other. He couldn’t make out their words – but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t hear Hanji’s. Her voice was good at penetrating.

“I know you’re uncomfortable eating the neighbors-”

“Hanji, please.” He glanced back again at the studio.

She sighed, but lowered her voice. “You just have to go for it, Eren.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Why not? There’s plenty of places in the apartment building you can just hang out and wait for someone to come along. I can disengage the cameras easily enough.”

“Right, because lurking in the- the elevator, or the stairs, or sitting in the laundry room and waiting for some poor neighbor to come along to wash their undies isn’t wrong in so many ways.”

“I’ve told you before, you have too many scruples.”

“I really don’t, Hanji.”

She eyed him with concern. “Eren, you have to eat. That isn’t negotiable.”

“I know, but-”

“Then you’ll have to start going to class in person again, instead of online. It should be easy enough to lure one of your classmates off to a dark corner somewhere every once in a while.”

Eren moaned, dropping back into his chair. “Hanji, could you not- just not.”

She braced one arm on the counter as she looked down at him. “You really don’t look well, Eren. You haven’t been eating enough for a while.”

“I’ll figure it out.”

“Uh-huh. You should just tell Levi all of it.”

Eren choked. “What?”

“Just tell him. He’ll be fine with it. And then you can just eat here, when you need to, like I said you could when I suggested this job.”

“I can’t tell him!”

“Sure, you can.”

“I can’t.” Eren glanced back at the studio, and lowered his voice even more. “Look, technically, the fact that you, Armin, and Mikasa, know about me means I should already have disappeared.”

She waved her hands through the air. “Yes, yes, but we’re exceptions.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

She grinned. “Sure we are.”

“And that reminds me, why’d you tell Erwin?”

She blinked. “Oh, did he find out about you being a vamphf-”

Her words were cut off when Eren jumped to his feet and set his hand firmly over her mouth. “Hanji, please.”

Pushing his hand away, she grinned at him but shook her head. “I didn’t tell him, Eren. I wouldn’t. Are you sure he knows?”

Eren glanced back towards the studio. “Not exactly, but-” He was very nearly certain Erwin did know.

She shrugged, settling more comfortably against the counter as she reached down to grab one of the almonds from the little dish he’d set out to bribe Gix with. “He probably figured it out on his own.”

“But if you didn’t tell him…this is the first time I’ve met him.”

“Yeah, that’s Erwin for you. I’m actually surprised Levi hasn’t figured it out yet. He will though.” She angled her head to look at the book Eren had been pretending to study.

“What?” Eren almost yelped. “What do you mean, he will?”

“Eren, since when have you been studying biology?”

Distracted, Eren glanced down, and felt a wave of horror sweep through him. The page he’d opened to at random showed a giant, colored diagram of an erect penis. It must have been one of Armin’s textbooks that had gotten mixed up with his.

Before Eren could gather himself again, Levi walked back in from the back room, a studded black leather jacket in one hand and what looked like a red Mohawk wig in the other. “Hanji, get your ass back here-”

He stopped abruptly, eying Eren’s face. “What’s wrong?”

Eren wasn’t sure if he’d gone red, or stark white. He felt as though he’d gone through a dozen raging emotions in the past thirty seconds. He shook his head mutely.

Hanji hoisted her make-up kit, and skipped towards Levi. “No worries. Is Erwin already undressed?”

“Yeah.”

She nudged at Levi’s shoulder as she walked past him. “Then we’d better get to it.”

With one last long look at Eren, Levi turned to follow her, leaving Eren staring after them.

A rattle behind Eren had him turning, almost numb at the thought of any more surprises for the night. Gix popped through his hatch, angling his head from side to side as he studied the room. Evidently deciding it was safe, he hopped all the way through, and flew down to land on the desk in front of Eren.

And then he bit Eren’s hand. Hard.

“Ow!” Jerking his hand back against his chest, Eren studied Gix. “What was that for?”

Gix twisted his head to one side and then held still, clearly waiting for Eren to do something.

With a sigh, Eren reached out and stroked a finger over the black bird’s neck. “At least you’re easy to understand, Gix.”

Gix cawed, nipped – lightly this time – at Eren’s hand, and then hopped towards the little dish of nuts.

It wasn’t until a while later, after Hanji and a remarkably different looking Erwin had left, when Levi was once again ensconced in his darkroom, Gix was happily muttering to himself in his corner, and Eren had gone back to spinning idly in his chair and staring into space, that he let himself acknowledge Hanji’s point.

She wasn’t the first to tell him his scruples were becoming a problem – Mikasa and Armin were constantly telling him he was his own worst enemy when it came to surviving in this life he’d chosen for himself. He couldn’t quite explain why he couldn’t bring himself to entirely follow their advice – except to say that anything that made him feel as if he were some kind of monster preying on humans also made him feel as if there was no point in trying to live among them.

Still, he had to eat, whatever else he did. Self-control was what kept people, creatures, like him from simply becoming one of the true, mindless monsters humans had been writing about in their novels for centuries, and the one sure-fire way to lose that control was to starve. Human food didn’t help, though it kept him from looking like one of the gaunt, pasty creatures that always seemed to be creeping in through balcony windows, or down shadowy staircases in old black and white films.

He could survive on blood alone, but he wouldn’t look very human doing it. Living on human food alone, on the other hand, would leave him a monster with no awareness or control.

He’d been living in a perpetual state of light, gentle hunger for a long time now. Certain members of his family only fed once every few months, but the humans involved tended to end up dead, or close to it. Even the small amounts Eren took could cause almost irreversible damage, if the person was ill, drugged, or weak-minded enough – and that was if the trance he put them into first hadn’t already completely messed them up.

Like had very nearly happened with Emily, for a very glaring example.

But how the hell were you supposed to figure out how healthy, or how strong a person was when all you had to go on was that they preferred Downy laundry detergent, or that they hummed to themselves in the elevator?

And when he did find a good prospect, he couldn’t feed from them more than once in too short a space of time without causing something like an obsession on their part. More than two or three times within a couple months and you wound up with a mindless creature that could be very dangerous to have around.

The only exception, as cheesy, clichéd, and ridiculous as it was, were people in love. A human that loved deeply would never lose their mind no matter how often they were fed on.

He supposed that was what he needed to find. A strong human, deeply in love, who didn’t mind getting bitten every now and then.

Yeah, because someone like that is so easy to find.

Eren sighed, and scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck. He really did need to eat soon. He hadn’t touched anyone since Emily, and he’d barely gotten anything from her. He supposed he’d been eating more lightly than usual with the rest of Levi’s clients, since he hadn’t worried so much about where he’d be getting his next meal.

He’d have to find someone on the way home in the morning. Or maybe he’d have to spend a few hours in the laundry room later that day.

Or maybe he’d wait another day or so.

He’d be fine.

#snk #ereri #eren x levi #elliemoran #riren #my fic #snk fanfiction

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firecakes-art · 6 years

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Marker Man Misadventures 1

This is the start of a journey that is most definitely not worth doing. I'm going to not only attempt to beat one of the most obscure DS games of all time, but I am also going to map out the levels and be the first person to provide a complete walkthrough of this game. The game is called Marker Man Adventures.

Expect all of the following: - bad game - bad drawings of bad game (not like you're missing out on anything anyway) - pro tips and strategies - game analysis - general displeasure

Welcome to... Marker Man Misadventures

In case you needed some incentive to actually finish this game, Marker Man has you covered. A riveting story between a stick figure and his dog begins when you start a new game. Some may call it captivating, inspiring, and even spontaneous. I prefer "confusing". The stick figure person plays fetch with its dog and throws a ball to the right. The dog chases the ball. The dog doesn't come back. The stick figure goes to find the dog. That's the story. If the player has to go through over a hundred levels before probably finding the dog, that stick figure has a throwing arm that puts the best baseball pitchers to shame. Anyways, I hope that story was enough to make you want to sit through all of this, because here we goooooooooo!

None of these levels have names, so I'll take the liberty of naming the level and labeling certain features of the map. Every level has these weird gloves that act as toll booths, where they will refuse to let you continue until you pick up a certain number of coins, indicated by the orange blobs on the map. The slanted orange lines indicate markers, which are essential to survival in this purgatory of a world. There are two colored platforms shown in this map. The pink platforms come in pairs but there's only one platform in the game. The reason why there's two is they indicate the position ranges that platform is allowed to move. They can only move up and down or left and right. The blue platforms also come in pairs but there are actually two of them in the game, and they act like a balance, where weight on one platform pushes that one down and the opposing one up.

It's a very simple level. You may learn some of the following during your first impression of the game: * rabbits bite * fall damage exists * platforming is extraordinarily glitchy * the game will draw a different shape than the one you wanted * buying this game is a mistake

In addition, there's this spike pit but with a platform over it so you can't actually kill yourself with the spikes. There is a Useless Button above the platform which you can draw a shape over to push it which forces the colored platform to move up, but there's literally no reason to do this. No extra items or platforms are available to you by doing this and you expose yourself to the spike trap so instead just walk past everything. Pay the hand the one coin you collected earlier and you beat level 1. I'm using a standardized syntax for describing what the hands do. The number on the left is how many coins they need before they let you pass the level. The number on the right is the level that the hand will take you. In this case, it's one coin to go to level 2.

This is our first enemy!

Rabbit

I swear I'm not exaggerating the drawing here; that's what it look like. Anyway, it's a rabbit and it is the weakest enemy in the game. Your Marker Man person has a life bar of 100, and this critter takes out 1 hit point every time you touch it. If even losing 1 HP is too much for you, there's a hilarious approach to neutralize this threat. In case you didn't realize by now, this game is all about drawing your way through each level. If you draw a circle around this rabbit, you put it into this bubble where it cannot do anything except be pushed around mercilessly. Doing this also doesn't spend your drawing power, so it is the only way to draw a shape for free.

Oh yeah, your drawing ability is tied to your health. This means that if your HP is low enough, whether from previous drawings or from taking damage, you won't be able to draw anymore shapes. That's where the marker pick up items come into play. They are useful for many reasons, but one of them is for replenishing your HP. The other way to restore your HP is to die and lose a life, but obviously that's not recommended.

I died to fall damage here because I forgot how brutal falling is. You only need to fall a few times your character's height before you take like 40 damage. This game uses a lot of vertical space so get used to learning how to cushion your fall.

In case you're actually playing this game and want to know the controls so far, it's A to jump and Y to use a marker to restore your health. You can use the stylus to draw lines to reach platforms, and other shapes with varying degrees of success.

There's actually two exits! This game loves branching paths. Each exit takes you to a different level, often skipping other levels. Cool, I guess. Not for me, since I NEED to play every level.

Shoe Boy

Basically the rabbit, only it kicks instead of bites. How rude. Bubble it and push it off a cliff or something so you don't have to worry about it.

Man Eating House

Of all the things I thought I would have to worry about in this game, I didn't think the background would be one of them. If you continue to the right exit that requires two coins, one of the houses in the background will come to life and eat you, killing you instantly. I don't think I've ever been so betrayed in my gaming career. There is NO indication or sprite difference between that particular house and all the other ones. However, no need to worry, because I have a solution. First of all, it's only the yellow houses that have a chance of eating you. Secondly, if you see a yellow house and want to check if it will eat you, draw a horizontal line over it. The houses that eat you have a hitbox on the left that collides with your shapes, so the line will hit some invisible block and end up slanted. You should be able to jump on the line and climb over the house this way. There is no way to kill the house.

The psychological damage this enemy has inflicted on me is astounding. Is there another background element that's going to kill me instantly too? Should I avoid that cloud with the smiley face over there? So many things have smiley faces in this game.

I understand that these level maps are not detailed and painful to look at, but if I put more effort into drawing them, they're going to start to look better than the actual game, and this game does not deserve that.

Also, it's only level 3 and the level already feels similar to the previous levels. There's hardly intent or theme behind so many of these levels; it just feels like the level creators haphazardly placed a bunch of platforms and enemies everywhere and called it good.

Oh yeah, also the exit I went to took me to level 5, so I had to start a new file so I could take the other exit to see level 4. I didn't realize that I may not be able to play every single level in a playthrough. Do you understand how frustrating that is for someone who's trying to play every level? I have to potentially play through the entire game multiple times before I find all the exits.

Dynamite

These things look so sad. Probably because they know that their pathetic lives will inevitably end in a violent explosion upon contact with anything. I touched one and it only did 5 damage, so I guess it wasn't that violent of an explosion. I touched another one and it did 10 damage. I guess the damage is randomized.

This level is so dangerous. I cannot believe this is level 4. There are spiky enemies everywhere, very deep chasms with spike pits, and bouncy blocks that prevent any structure from landing on it without being bounced off as well. In addition, bouncy blocks are an absolute pain in this game. There is no way to gain vertical height quickly with this. You just have to sit there while your maximum height increases by like 2 pixels on every bounce. But hey, at least you get a coin by going down there.

This is the level I learned that you can wall climb. It is probably a bug and not a feature but that's not important. If your character's head is over the top of a block you can just run into that block and mash the jump button to """""climb""""" up it. If you don't like that limitation you can draw a line parallel to the wall and place it right next to the wall. That line is climbable everywhere!

As if this level wasn't insulting enough, I took the ridiculous journey to get the second coin so that I can figure out what's in the two coin exit.... AND IT TAKES ME BACK TO LEVEL 3. WHY. There is no other thought process that makes sense as to why the developers did this except for: "The player sees a 2 coin exit with two very hard-to-obtain coins! They'll think this is a worthwhile journey, so we'll betray the player's trust in level exits just like we betrayed the player's trust with the background houses!"

However, I may have to take back the thought that it's impossible to get through every level in the game because previous levels can be revisited now. Imagine graphing out all those level connections...

Spiky Shoe Boy

These things are so much more dangerous than regular shoe boy. Touching them will deal a giant amount of damage (10 per frame?) by continuing to touch them. You can lose 100 HP in less than a second because of spiky shoe boy. And they are not bubbleable. And you can find them in areas with low ceilings. Fantastic.

Spiky Wall

An invincible moving block that will gladly pass through any terrain to pulverize your character. It's basically instant kill. Just find another path around if you can.

There's a little path to the south that leads to a dead end and has an extra marker after activating a platform through a switch. Don't go there. There's a chance the shape pressing the button will despawn and you'll just be stuck up there. There's also a totally fun platforming segment where all the platforms are moving and the momentum makes it frustrating to land on the higher platforms. After that are those paired platforms that move together. Dropping there is guaranteed death, and staying on the first seesaw platform will put you in a spot where you will most likely not be able to get out of.

If you are like me you probably have died enough times to get a game over at this point. This means you have to start from Level 1 again. There is a trick you can do to sort of prevent that from happening. If you have exactly one life left and you die, you can shut off your console (In my case with the 3DS, press the Home button and close the software). This will save your last life if you do it immediately after you die. Strangely, it does not work if you have more than one life left. You can do this same trick for quickly seeing what level you'll be transported to when you give the hand the coins to beat the level!

Raccoon

One of the few enemies in this game that looks cute to me. They are just like the rabbits: 1 HP damage and bubbleable. What a waste of potential. There have been like 6 enemies so far and half of them are functionally the same. I thought my disappointment in this game could not have gotten any higher, but well here we are.

There's lots of houses that will eat you here, so tread carefully; one jump in particular, if missed, could land you right on top of a man-eating house. There's also these rainbow-outlined blocks that disappear once you touch them. They are indicated by the yellow squares. There's no reason to go to that area, but a cool trick is to draw a line on top of the block and then step on that line so the block doesn't go away. One exit takes you back to level 5, and the other to.... level 151? Well this is a sweet shortcut. Because the level takes you to candy land. You can't see it's candy land by looking at my maps, so I guess this joke doesn't work. Anyways, it's advertised as a bonus level, so I will break the level order here to explain this level soon.

Chomper

Finally, an interesting enemy. These guys are bubbleable, but they can deal out 1 damage every frame instead of the rabbit-like enemies where they do 1 damage every couple seconds. They're hardly more dangerous since you can bubble them, however.

This place is just sad. It's decorated as a candy land level, but everything with a face is frowning. Also, the end of the level just takes you back to level 5, which means that the entirety of level 6 is a trap because every exit just sends you back to level 5. Great. This place is also really dangerous because there are no markers here. This means if you have 0 markers when you come here then you have to be extremely careful with how you use your life, because it will drain fast from all of the climbing.

On the plus side, the soundtrack has finally changed. I was starting to hate the background music because of how often it repeats. I even timed it to see how long the song takes before it loops, and it's about 16 seconds. It can drive anyone mad in a day. Too bad the soundtrack here is also extremely short (about 12 seconds).

There's also one spot in the level where it is almost impossible to get through. It looks like the end of the level, but you cannot actually reach this spot from the end of the level because it is way too high up to build. This is the spot underneath the coin. There is only one way to get to this spot that I know of. You must draw a really long line from the position of the coin underneath the character, and then support it with a rectangle to the right so the line doesn't tip over when you drop down. There is a cave entrance where the rectangle can be placed to lock the whole structure into place so you know it won't topple. Oh yeah, super pro tip: you can delete shapes by holding the left trigger and then clicking on them! You even get back some of your life when you do this.

Aaaaand there's nothing here. There's a gingerbread house and a pinata in the background and that's it. So much for an easter egg. I guess the fact that there's actually a detailed background in this area constitutes as something rare enough to be an easter egg, so I'll take it. Fortunately you can drop straight down from the ledge and hit the exit back to level 5.

I forgot to mention that light blue platforms are bouncy platforms. Anyways, here's the super secret fun area

Sad Cake

Basically the spikes. They deal a lot of damage on contact. Climb over them using the line shapes.

I think that's enough ridiculousness for now. I need a break.

#art #drawing #personal #marker man #marker man misadventures #mmm

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evenstevensranked · 7 years

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#42: Season 1, Episode 20 - “Almost Perfect”

Ren gets a "C" in shop class which means it's the end of the world. Louis' locker is festering with steam and bacteria, so Wexler lets him use a storage closet until it’s fixed. Naturally, Louis makes the best of it and renovates the space into a south-of-the-border themed hang out.

This episode opens with the subplot. We see steam blasting out of Louis’ locker accompanied by “Halloween”-esque tinkering piano. I don’t know why I never noticed the opening line before, but Twitty asks “Dude, are you grilling turkey dogs in your locker again?” Why am I laughing at this?! Louis explains that his locker has had a hot water leak all week. It’s causing moss to grow on his egg salad sandwich and mushrooms to “not only grow, but THRIVE” on his math book. He tries to ask Principal Wexler for help, but.. ya know.. Louis isn’t exactly the most reputable student. So Wexler pretty much ignores his pleas. Probably because he was too busy running off to a meeting with Vice Principal REN STEVENS!

He finds Ren and approaches her all excited like “Guess whaaaat?!” Ren guesses that he finally bought some red car he’s always wanted. I like this because it foreshadows Dirty Work where Wexler DOES get his snazzy red convertible. The big news is that she’s a shoo-in for Student of the Semester. This whole scene is slightly uncomfortable, like most of their scenes together. Their relationship is so weird. He even calls her “the daughter I never had.” Okay. He suggests that she should write some glowing article about herself in the school paper. Why would anyone ever suggest that? How arrogant would that be? Either way, Ren ends up agreeing to said article but instead of writing it herself.. she assigns two little minions to do it.

No, really. Am I the only one weirded out by this? lol.

We meet Carla (Lisa Folies, All That!) and Marla (Krysten Leigh Jones, Remember the Titans) for the first time. They're two young girls who are obsessed with Ren and her ~perfection~. We only see them one other time in Season 2. They’re very eager to impress Ren and dress exactly like her and everything. I never understood how people dress the same as others on TV shows like this. How does that work? Did they break in and photograph all of Ren’s clothes one day and then go out to buy everything??? Do they have cameras in Ren’s room that live stream her outfit choices every morning? And then proceed to reach into their Ren Closet and wear the same exact thing? Like... How else is this even possible at all?

They’re fawning over Ren and asking her what it’s like to be perfect. Ren insists she’s not perfect, but when she’s asked to list some of her imperfections… She acts all cutesy arrogant like “what do’ya know! I guess I don’t have any! *shrug*” It’s a little off-putting.

Louis’ locker water leak has gotten so bad he needs to wear a wetsuit and goggles to school now, lol. There’s seaweed or something growing in there and it’s also the home of an evil life form that somehow materialized. He tells Wexler “I swear to Pete, there’s something growing in there and I don’t think it likes me at all!” Who are these men everyone in the Even Stevens-verse swear to?! Twitty swears to Bob, Louis swears to Pete. Once Wexler sees the extent of the damage, he lets Louis use an old storage closet for the time being. I never got that. Sure, Louis keeps a whole lotta junk in his locker -- but what normal person needs a giant closet for a few books and a jacket? Anyway, Wexler says “make yourself at home” so you know Louis is gonna run with it. Like, I’ve said before... If you give Louis an inch, he WILL take 20 miles.

“I can make this work” he whispers to himself as he observes the closet space, lol. I just realized there’s an actual physical lightbulb next to him, signifying the idea. Wow.

Even though she’s the number one contender for Student of the Semester, Ren really wants to ensure that she gets the title… again. Apparently you get a $25 Honey Ham gift card and it’s really satisfying. Why she gotta be so greedy, tho??? According to Wexler she's already been Student of the Semester for the last two semesters, she’s Student Policy Monitor, lord knows what else, AND don’t forget that she's practically Vice Principal as well. Geeez, Ren! Let some of the other kids have their time to shine. But, regardless.. her plans are halted when she gets a C in shop class, jeopardizing her chances. As you can probably guess, this means it’s the end of the world. Well, what did she expect?! Everyone else constructed things like violins and grandfather clocks. But Ren Stevens thinks she can pass with flying colors by making a pizza paddle. In comparison to everyone else’s projects, hers is honestly worth a D- lol. Sorry, Ren!

LOOK AT HER COMPETITION! She seriously submitted a pizza paddle -- a literal slab of wood -- and expected an A.

Louis decides to turn the closet space into a Mexico-style club. I mean, what else do you expect from Louis Stevens? He has an entire construction team come in to do the job and forges Principal Wexler's signature to pay for it. I feel like this is an episode that has glimmers of the more outlandish, unrealistic plots we see sprinkled throughout Season 2 and super frequently in Season 3. But, the odd thing about this case.. is that it doesn’t seem THAT outlandish to me. I can actually see Louis pulling this off, lol. I’m pretty sure Shia is ad-libbing all of Louis’ commands to the construction workers. (i.e. “Come on, guys! We should have the ceiling fans by now!”)

Something that made me laugh: Ren aimlessly walks around clutching her pizza paddle repeating “C” to herself in disbelief. She walks by Louis and the renovation crew so he asks her “We’re thinking of going with this Burnt Tortilla paint for our walls… What do you think?” and all she can say is “C” …but, Louis takes it as “Si” and I can’t deal with it.

A conversation between Ren and Wexler is accidentally broadcast through the intercom… letting the entire school know that “Ren Stevens got her first C.” Everyone listens in utter shock and some people even rush to the principal’s office just to stare at Ren with disappointment. Everyone held her to a ridiculously high standard and now they’re all depressed and let down because -- SHOCKER! -- she’s not perfect. How dare she!

Because of this, Carla and Marla completely let themselves go and dress like ragamuffins the next day. I feel like there’s a lesson here: Do not put all of your faith in a mere human being, you guys. This is all too extreme. It’s a C. They’re acting like she committed some morally wrong, unforgivable crime. Hardly. However, in Ren’s world, a C is an unforgivable crime. So, technicallyyy she did this to herself. Oops. She eventually decides to “fight back” for a chance to re-do her project, and suddenly Carla and Marla love her again.

Louis unveils the newly renovated locker/closet to Twitty. I love this scene. Twitty walks in and says “Dude, I’m in Mexico!” and Louis is like “Nooo, my friend. *turns on Mariachi music* NOWWWW YOU'RE IN MEXICO!!!"

He proceeds to show Twitty around the small space saying things like "See that? That's not a guitar, it's a bass and I got it shipped in from Meh-hee-co" with the accent. The line that kills me though is "See that matador painting? The guy at the gas station told me it's on real velvet." - Incredible. This line is actually a very obvious overdub. It cuts away to a shot of the painting and Shia clearly recorded this line as a voiceover after the fact. The quality and volume of the audio is totally different from the rest of the scene. Just something I always noticed. Wexler obviously finds out about this when he receives the work order and pays Discoteca Louis a little visit.

“You said make myself at home, so I did. Tropical smoothie?”

Wexler tells him “Stevens. I want you, your smoothie, and your tacky velvet matador painting out of here in 24 hours!” and leaves. Feeling like this is an injustice, Louis decides to throw a muy grande farewell fiesta before the place is torn down. We get one of my favorite lines here:

Twitty: I kinda like the matador painting.

Louis: Yeah. “Tacky”?! HE PAID 12 BUCKS FOR THAT!

Ren goes to speak to her shop teacher after school and we see that his license plate reads “WOOD LVR.” He also tells her “Ren, maybe you haven’t noticed but.. I LOOOOVE WOOD! Wood is ma’lady.” Why do I feel like this is another innuendo? All I can think of is Beyoncé. SERFBORT. Her teacher ultimately gives her a second chance at the project. Of course. All she has to do is make a perfect footstool and she’ll get an A.

There’s a line half way around the world to get into Louis’ party. He has bouncers, velvet rope, and Twitty is keeping track of a guest list. This is so hilarious it’s ridiculous. To highlight how ~exclusive~ the party is, Twitty won’t even let Carly Blaine, his own cousin, in because her name isn’t on the list. Louis eventually turns it into a free for all and allows everyone to go in. How they all fit, I have no idea.

After completing and submitting her footstool for grading, Ren is anxiously awaiting the outcome in the hallway. Here is where we finally get a fantastic character moment from Louis:

Louis: “You ever wanna be normal? You're always trying to be perfect at everything.“

Ren: “What's wrong with being perfect?"

Louis: “It's not normal.”

YOOOOOOO! How fire is that line, though?! The matter-of-fact, simple way he was able to get through to Ren reminds me of something Shia said irl at his #TouchMySoul art instillation. I love caring, smart Louis! Yes.

Ren ends up getting a B- on her footstool. She’s not too happy, but she accepts it. Sheesh! If I got a B- in junior high, it would be up on the refrigerator door! Dang. She says she’s done with being perfect and goes to have some fun at Louis’ shindig.

There’s a Ricky Martin - “Livin’ La Vida Loca” knockoff song playing at the party, presumably called "Casa de Fiesta.” IT GETS STUCK IN MY HEAD ALL THE TIME BUT I LOVE IT. We get a montage of Louis partying it up set to this song, which is truly a vision. Although, I can’t help but feel like Tumblr would crucify him for the cultural appropriation. Or would this count as "appreciation"? He has an authentic Mariachi band and everything. It just hit me -- Where the heck is Tawny?! Surely she’d have something to say.

Louis is shocked when he sees Ren there. This is another one of my favorite moments:

Louis introduces Ren to the band and I swear this is Shia ad-libbing again. (i.e “This is Arnesto! And Manuuuuel!”)

…and that’s pretty much it.

This is a good episode. It really is. But, much like Dirty Work.. This popular and memorable Louis storyline is only a subplot. Also, nothing serious happens with Louis as a character here until the last few minutes. Like I said, I adore his mini speech to Ren. GAHH!! When Louis is good, he is REALLY good. He just busts out some profound crap outta nowhere sometimes. Gotta love that. As usual, this Ren main plot just isn’t as strong. It's so unfortunate. But seeing Louis’ words get to her is touching, and it’s great to see her let go at the end.

Thanks for reading as always! Getting back into the swing of things after my trip to New York last weekend. :)

Please, chime in using the Disqus comment section below!

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#rank #even stevens #louis stevens #ren stevens #ren plot #shia labeouf #comedy #disney channel #christy carlson romano #old school #review #tv show #tv #old school disney #nostalgia #season 1 #lisa folies #carla and marla

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holistic-grace · 7 years

Text

Summer Storm

Inspired this post by @dirkwould.

BOOM!

Todd groaned as the Ridgely shook, ignoring the spike of his heart rate before he identified the echoing noise as thunder. His arm throbbed where he’d once broken it, and the grey light leaking into his room wasn’t nearly enough to see by. With his first deep sigh of the day, Todd leaned over to fumble with a lamp, swearing when the apartment remained dark. He’d had his electricity cut off. Again.

Rubbing his face, Todd pulled his robe on and hopped to the window, hissing as his feet hit the cold floor. He stared bleakly through the cracked panel of glass, watching a drip from a reminder of the Rowdy 3.

The steady patter of rain distorted his view, turning the trees into blurry colors, the lamppost twisting, his road a murky river...with a blotch of yellow in the middle.

Todd blinked and rubbed his eyes, wondering if the events of the past few days had finally cracked him. The yellow blob bobbed around, and Todd’s curiosity won out as he pushed his window open.

The rain was much louder out here, his entry ladder slick. Todd sighed as the blob came into focus, at the same moment his psychic-not psychic-friend noticed him.

“Todd! Come down; this is magnificent!” The self-appointed detective was practically bouncing on the sidewalk, his enthusiastic voice easily heard above the storm.

Todd winced as rain trickled down his head and under the collar of his robe. “Dirk, what are you doing?” He yelled down, eyeing the dirty water along his window critically.

Dirk’s hair was plastered to his forehead, the normal reddish-brown almost as dark as Todd’s in the rain.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Dirk retorted, sounding indignant. “The Universe has given us a summer rain and you’re inside!”

“Because I don’t have a death wish,” Todd said, pulling his robe closer.

“A death wish?” Dirk scoffed. “Isn’t that a tad melodramatic, Todd?”

“Yeah, well, after this week I’m not taking any chances,” he answered wearily.

Dirk gave a loud huff-a whole body affair-and rolled his eyes. “I’ve got a good feeling about this rain,” he informed. “Perhaps the excess moisture will lure Lydia or Rapunzel-the Corgi, that is,- or the puddles-” here he leapt into one, submerging his already soaked shoes- “-they might give have things inside them, and not to mention-”

“What about Paws?” Todd interrupted, thinking uneasily of the kitten-shark that was curled onto his couch. “What if the thunder sets her off?”

Dirk frowned. “Well, if it bothers you that much-”

“Will you two shut up?” A voice howled from a window below Todd’s. Dirk pulled an expressive look of shock while Todd winced as the slam of the window reached him.

“That’s the fifth time this week…” he groaned, thinking of all the neighbors who’d dragged Dirk to Todd’s door, a mixture of fear and exhaustion in their eyes as the holistic detective prattled on to them, oblivious that his comments on unfaithful lovers and deteriorating social lives went unappreciated.

“As I was saying,” Dirk continued, “if a Paws attack bothers you so much, you really ought to come down and join me!” He beamed, fully confident he’d solved the problem.

Todd glanced at the sky, then back to the kitten before a thought struck him. “Wait, is this another Universe thing? Do you know if she’s going to wreck my already-destroyed apartment?”

Dirk waved his hand. “I don’t know anything, Todd. But it’ll be worth it!” He gave his assis-friend a grin. “Call it a hunch.”

“Dirk-”

The window below shot open once again.

“Give me a minute,” he called over the resident’s screams.

…………………………………………………………….

Todd’s complete lack of ‘rainy day’ funds also included a lack of proper rain gear, so one of his least-ratty sweatshirts would have to do. He pulled the hood up as he stepped into the Seattle rain, almost running into Dirk, who bounced eagerly as he saw Todd.

“Well it’s about time, I’ve been waiting for ages-”

“It’s been three minutes, Dirk.”

“Who’s to say that isn’t ages?” Dirk said, looking his assis-friend over. The rain was already soaking Todd’s cotton clothing, and Dirk knew that unless something good happened, Todd wouldn’t be in a good mood. He pushed Todd over to the edge of a puddle before squatting down. With a sigh, Todd copied him.

“What are we doing?” Todd asked after the appropriate amount of time.

“There's’ a lot of animals in this case, Todd,” Dirk began, not taking his eyes off the two inch puddle. “And I was thinking: What do dogs, cats, and sharks have in comment?”

“Uh-”

“Exactly! They all like to eat fish!” Dirk flapped his hands excitedly. “So in order to both subdue Paws and attract the Corgi, we need fish!”

“And we’re going to find them in a rain puddle?” Todd asked, realization on his face.

Dirk cocked his head to the side, thoughts jumbling around. “Seattle is surrounded by water,” he exclaimed. “So why, in the event of a rain storm, wouldn’t some wash out and into the streets?”

Todd opened his mouth to contradict Dirk, but the usual spiral of the detectives’ logic stopped him. “I-I mean...I’ve never seen it happen, but maybe closer to the waterfront-”

“-precisely!” Dirk smiled, and for a moment Todd forgot about the rain drenching his sweatshirt. “If we gather some from the ocean as well, perhaps Paws will lead us to the bad people, and then of course-”

The detective prattled on as he sprinted towards the car, practically dragging Todd behind him.

..……………………………………………………………………

“I’m going to catch pneumonia.”

“It’s August, Dirk. And it’s your own fault.”

“Ridiculous,” Dirk stated. “Falling into Lake Washington-”

“Falling? You pushed me!”

“I thought I saw an orange fish! ” Dirk protested, watching Todd huddle closer to the car’s heater. “And hey, it was perhaps a different variation of orange, but we found the coho salmon nevertheless, which I am certain Paws will adore, not to mention the small sampling of trout-”

Todd glanced into the backseat, where the ‘small sampling’ lay in 16 separate bags that were currently stinking up the Corvet. Somehow, Dirk had managed to confuse a local ‘fish man’, (-”he brought a new shipment just as Patrick Spring was walking to the hotel, so naturally his goods are already connected to everything”-) into giving them his fish. Apparently, however, they’d taken too much and they’d been forced to flee to the car with their load while the man screamed and waved a giant bass at them.

“-and the best thing is that she might prefer them raw, which is good for us because I was actually banned from using kitchen appliances in my last flat after the Snowman incident-”

“Eyes on the road!” Todd yelled suddenly, lunging across Dirk to jerk the car away from a mailbox. Dirk yelped and held himself back as the car swerved around trees and other living obstacles.

It was in this same violent manner that they ended up back at the Ridgely, just as the rain began to increase. Dirk grabbed a few bags of fish and leapt out of the car, staring straight into the sky with a smile seemingly permanently etched onto his face. Todd rolled his eyes, grabbed some fish and sprinted for the Ridgely, pausing to watch Dirk, who was still staring in awe at the sky.

“Dirk! Come on, it’s getting worse!” He called, trying to ignore the fishy smell in his arms.

Dirk blinked and stared around before reluctantly following Todd, casting one more mournful glance at the rain bouncing off the sidewalk.

As they began the trek up to Todd’s apartment, he eyed the holistic detective curiously, as the man examined a fish.

“What was this really about?” Todd asked, his arms beginning to strain under 40 pounds of fish.

Dirk tilted his head, an almost comical confused look on his face. “What do you mean?” He said, quirking an eyebrow. “We needed fish for the case!”

“Yeah...I hope you know you’re gonna have to store some of this,” Todd said, thinking of his own dented freezer. Before Dirk could launch into an inevitable rant on the Universe accommodating his own storage space, he added, “but I mean, why today? And don’t give me that ‘hunch’ crap. We could have just bought this fish.”

Dirk was, remarkably, silent for a moment. He bit his lower lip as they climbed the stairs, traipsing through the narrow hallways with ease.

“I just thought...it would be nice to be out in the rain,” he eventually worked out, keeping his eyes fixed to the floor. “I didn’t get to see much of the...outside...when I was...well, you know,” he shrugged, an awkward motion with three bags of trout. “It’s nice to just….enjoy it.”

Todd blinked, his mind racing back to Dirk’s equally awkward confession on the basics of Blackwing as they’d driven back from digging up Patrick Spring’s machine. He pictured Dirk stuck in a cell deep below the Earth and shuddered.

“Well, it rains plenty here, so you’ll have lots of chances,” he offered as they came down Todd’s hallway. “And hey, maybe next time we can try Union-what the hell?”

“‘Union what-the-hell?’ Is that another lake?” Dirk asked, mistaking Todd’s shout.

Todd’s already damaged door had a new dent right down the middle, along with a piece of paper stuck to the door with a steak knife.

“Is it a ransom? Do the Bad People know we have Paws? Is it Lydia? Is it-”

Todd gave a long sigh as he shifted through the profanity in the note. “It’s the people downstairs. Something about an…” he squinted, “...’apple pipe?’”

“Ah, yes,” Dirk answered, squirming a bit. “I told them the reason for their clogged pipes might relate to their Black Market of rare apples?”

“An Apple Black Market? I-never mind.” He crumpled the note and went to push the door open. “At least I didn’t have to deal with that…” he froze and stared at Dirk. “Wait, is that why you told me to come-”

“Come on Todd! We need to get the kitten-shark’s approval!” Dirk pushed the door open, Todd following behind, glad to see Paws pacing the kitchen counter and with no new bloodstains on the wall.

Dirk dropped the fish and immediately scooped the kitten up, cooing at the murder weapon. Paws mewled and batted Dirk’s face, causing the detective’s face to light up. “I knew you liked me!” He beamed.

“You wanna pick a fish for her?” Todd asked, pulling off his soaked sweatshirt. “And a towel, maybe?”

“A towel I don’t think she needs-”

“For you, Dirk. You’re dripping lake water onto my floor.”

The detective stared down at the puddle surrounding his shoes and shrugged. “It’s not the worst that’s happened to it…”

“Call it damage control,” Todd quipped, grabbing two towels.

“You can pick the fish,” Dirk said, scratching the kitten-shark under the chin.

“You sure?” Todd asked, surprised.

Dirk nodded. “I have complete faith in your fish-choosing abilities.”

Todd opened the nearest bag, scanning the contents through Dirk’s eyes. After a moment, he grabbed the bright pink fish, sensing the other man’s smile at the selection.

A few minutes later, both men had (mostly) dried off, Todd having to convince Dirk to let him hang his jacket up to dry, and the Brit wore the towel as a cape to compensate. Todd carefully cut the salmon up, Paws winding her way around his ankles. Dirk was practically bouncing in excitement, snatching the plastic plate from Todd and presenting it to the kitten-shark with a loud, “Ta-da!”

The kitten somehow managed to look unimpressed as she circled the plate, before she eventually took a piece, her white teeth gleaming. Both men held their breath as she swallowed, gave a small ‘mew’, and settled down to finish the fish. Dirk silently punched the air as Todd allowed himself a small smile.

“I told you it was worth it,” Dirk said smugly.

“Worth Lake Washington?”

Dirk considered the gentle weight of Todd’s towel around his shoulders, the dark warmth of the apartment, the kitten happily snacking on the ill-gotten fish.

“I’d say so,” the detective concluded. “What do you think?”

Todd looked at Dirk’s small smile, and felt the last of the rain’s chill leave him.

“Definitely.”

#dirk gently #grace writes #dirk gently fics #these two are adorable #so many ideas #@dirkwould

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operationrainfall · 4 years

Text

Title Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore Developer Atlus, Nintendo Publisher Nintendo Release Date January 17th, 2020 Genre RPG Platform Nintendo Switch Age Rating T for Teen – Fantasy Violence, Language, Suggestive Themes, Use of Alcohol Official Website

Let me just get this out of the way – I was a big fan of the original Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE. I’m well aware of the so called controversy of the original game, and it in no way impacted my enjoyment. So when I saw the original game was getting an upgraded port in Encore, I knew I had to play it. Not only did it feature a revamped build of the original Wii U exclusive, it came packaged with the optional DLC as well as some entirely new content in the EX Story. Thanks to the kind folks at Nintendo providing us the opportunity to review the game, I buckled down and got through as fast as possible. Four years later, am I still a fan of Tokyo Mirage Sessions, or did this Encore fall flat?

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The first thing you should all know about Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore is that it’s a game all about the theme of spreading happiness and creativity through art. In the game proper, that art is predominantly split between musical performances and stage acting. It embraces Japanese culture and all its many quirks, while showcasing the glamour of the entertainment industry. Besides that, the game is also a hybrid of two rather different series – Shin Megami Tensei and Fire Emblem. You wouldn’t be faulted for wondering how easily those mesh together, but I can assure you it works shockingly well. Not only does Encore have key elements of both series, such as various character classes, a weapon triangle, exploiting enemy weaknesses and crazed extra-dimensional dungeons, it manages to also stand on its own two feet while inheriting the best aspects of both source materials. That said, for the majority of game, you’re going to see more SMT influence than FE, but once the credits roll, I felt both were well represented. This is also a game that benefits from being a JRPG, for one simple reason – this game’s strong suit isn’t the plot. That’s not to say the story isn’t interesting or entertaining, but after playing it a second time, I couldn’t help but notice several things the plot doesn’t adequately address. Thankfully, the genre is also known for having captivating personalities, and Encore has that in spades. You’ll really grow to love every character in the story, from the main cast to the supporting characters. They’ll all grow and become more fully realized as you play, and if you devote yourself to all the Side Story content (which I highly recommend), you’ll really get rewarded with some touching and hilarious moments.

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While the story (split into several chapters broken up with Intermissions) isn’t the tightest or most complex, it does provide a good structure for how things progress. Tokyo is under assault by invisible forces called Mirages. They are after the distilled creative essence of humanity, called Performa. It’s found in crowds that are inspired by music or theater, so every time some big event happens, Mirages strike. They drain our Performa until we’re just empty husks, and it provides a powerful boost of strength to these Mirages. You’re probably wondering how you fight back against such a threat, at least if you haven’t played a Persona or SMT game before. If you have, you know that it takes fire to fight fire. A small percentage of humans can see Mirages, and by joining forces with heroic ones, they become Mirage Masters. These humans are empowered by their Mirage, granted powerful armor as the Mirage itself turns into their primary weapon, called Carnage. Thus equipped, you and your band of heroes fights back, repelling these otherworldly invaders (portrayed on the map as floating red wraiths) and returning things to normal. Just be wary, since some evil Mirages have possessed prominent humans to do their bidding. There’s other parts to the story, such as the mystery of Tiki’s lost memories and an incident a few years back where a group of people vanished, including Tsubasa’s sister, but I’ll leave those portions for you to discover.

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Speaking of characters, let’s spend some time discussing the main ones. You play as Itsuki Aoi. He’s a mild mannered boy known as the Prince of Denseness, yet his support helps all his friends grow and reach their ultimate potential. He’s not quite an avatar, but he’s also the least fleshed out character in the game. Then there’s Itsuki’s childhood friend, Tsubasa. She suffered some serious trauma as a child, yet has still managed to grow into a loving and strong person. She’s also a ridiculous fangirl, and often gets so perplexed she walks into walls and gets tongue tied, inverting word order. Or take Touma, a hot headed action hero in training that uses confidence to hide his insecurity. There’s the old pro Kiria, entertainer extraordinaire and literal ice queen, at least until you reveal her soft and fluffy side. Then there’s Ellie, a girl of mixed ethnicity with a sharp tongue who has aspirations of Hollywood fame. For those who prefer innocence, there’s the sweet and demure Mamori, a young actress with her own popular cooking show that wants to protect those she loves. Finally, there’s the cold and brutally honest Yashiro. He starts out as a bitter rival to your team, but eventually you convince him to look past his misconceptions and discover the pain he’s hiding.

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But that’s just the main characters. There’s three other important supporting characters, and they’re all tremendous as well. Your boss is the busty and flirtatious Maiko, a one time model that runs the Fortuna agency with iron determination. There’s nothing she won’t do to help her stable of artists prosper, and that especially includes getting completely drunk while making connections. Or there’s Tiki, an ethereal green haired maiden whose name may sound familiar to Fire Emblem fans. Devoid of any physical form, Tiki only exists in the Bloom Palace, a extra-dimensional realm accessible from the Fortuna office. Though she has no memories, that doesn’t prevent her from showing off her loving and helpful side, always willing to help out her Big Brother! And finally there’s my favorite, Barry Goodman. A former metal rocker and Mirage Master, Barry has seen better days, but he’s always willing to train new talent. He’s also a worse fanboy than Tsubasa, and his brash and quirky personality provided some of my biggest laughs.

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Now, none of the plot or character would much matter if the game wasn’t fun, but Encore is a delight. In large part, that’s due to the complex and kinetic combat. You fight with a team of 3, and your goal is to attack the enemy to pinpoint their weaknesses. Once you’ve done that, by using a Skill that exploits it, you’ll initiate the titular Sessions. Essentially, this is a giant chain of attacks that proceeds from a single one, ignoring enemy defenses. Initially this only involves your current team, but eventually you’ll acquire the ability to include your sub cast of characters, leading to massive combos. When you have one foe left, you’ll deal Overkill damage, providing great rewards of cash and Performa. As you level up, your Carnage learn new Skills, and you get to choose which you keep and which you toss. Additionally, you can change out any member of your team whenever you want, other than Itsuki. This allows you to bring in the right character for the task at hand, and manipulate the field of battle to your advantage. Just keep in mind, only the characters in combat level up their Carnage, while everybody levels up their character level regardless.

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You also have at your disposal powerful Special and Ad-lib Performances. Special Performances use energy you’ve filled up in your meter by attacking, and has some tremendously powerful effects. Some of my favorite examples are temporarily increasing enemy weaknesses, healing your entire team, fatally killing enemies and much more. Ad-lib are also quite powerful, but only activate randomly when characters use Skills with the corresponding attack type. For example, if Ellie uses a Bow attack, she may use One-Sided Love, which damages all your foes and charms them to boot. If instead you use a Lightning Skill like Maziodyne with Itsuki, you might activate Back Chorus, zapping the entire field. Last of all are Duo Arts. You won’t have access to these until the latter portion of the game, but once you do, they make a big difference. They often trigger during long Sessions, and have two of your teammates join together for tremendous and powerful attacks. A great example is The Tunnel Home, where Barry, dressed like a giant dog, races to catch Mamori’s axe, and then charges the foe headfirst with it, ripping them to shreds. Keep in mind that while both Ad-lib Performances and Duo Arts are random, having a higher Luck stat seems to trigger them more often, since Ellie, who has very high luck, seemed to trigger these types of attack the most.

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Like any good RPG, you can upgrade your gear, crafting more powerful weapons. This process is called Unity, and it’s done at the Bloom Palace with Performa dropped by defeated foes. When you gather enough, you can have Tiki conduct a Carnage Unity, making a new weapon with enhanced stats and differing weaknesses by fusing the gathered Performa with your Mirage. Eventually you can craft +1 or higher versions of the same Carnage, which is useful when you can’t find the right Performa to make a new weapon. Also, whenever you make a new one, you have a chance to learn a new Special Performance, meaning it’s in your best interest to keep on fighting so you can make stronger weapons and learn more abilities. For the most part, I felt this loop worked very well, and only hit a wall that forced me to grind for parts a couple of times in my near 50 hour experience. Another type of Unity is Radiant Unity, where you use special Performa found only in the many Side Stories to learn new abilities that you don’t have to equip and which are constantly in use. A good example is Open Audition, which lets your sub cast of characters jump into Sessions. An integral one is learned by Itsuki, called Director Itsuki, which lets you switch foes after you kill one and keep the Session going. Finally, like any good Fire Emblem, you can change your class. You do this with (you guessed it) Master Seals, which are either mission rewards or found in hard to reach corners of dungeons. This lets you further customize your experience and changes the look of your Mirage, though I admit I found the starting forms preferable to many of the downright strange looking upgraded classes. But that’s just a matter of personal preference, you might find that you love the look of these new forms.

The Show Must Continue on Page 2 ->

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Although the plot isn’t Encore’s strong suit, that isn’t the same as saying the writing falls flat. I found most of the dialogue very funny and revealing, whether it be conveyed in some grand speech or in digital messages called Topics. In the original Tokyo Mirage Sessions, Topics were relegated to the Gamepad, and notified you when one of your characters had something to say, or when you could start a new Side Story. Though Topics are alive and well here, instead they’re relegated to the + button. This wasn’t problematic per se, but oftentimes I would open up the main menu, which is separate from the Topic menu. This only cost me a few seconds to close it out and open the right one, but it was far less intuitive than originally on the Wii U. That said, the Topics are often hilarious, showing banter between Itsuki and his friends. The Topic menu also helps keep track of which Side Stories are in progress, and is where you’ll find the dungeon maps. I loved the Side Stories in the game, since not only did they showcase more of the cast’s personalities, but they provided powerful upgrades and Backup Skills for the sub characters. My only issue was when it wasn’t clear how to progress certain missions, such as when Tsubasa is on the hunt for a stray cat, and the clues you’re given are entirely open ended and unnecessarily vague. The missions that involved combat or just progressed like a Visual Novel were much more to my liking, since I get frustrated whenever I get stuck. That said, it occurred to me as I played that if there’s ever a VN made of Encore, it would most definitely be a Harem VN. Itsuki becomes the love interest of ALL the female characters, even though he’s too dense to realize it. Even the men all respect and admire him. In other words, there’s a universe in which Itsuki finally learns the full extent of Maiko’s many charms, and that’s a tale I would definitely read.

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The dungeons in Encore play out very much like a Persona game. Enemies will appear and chase you, though most can be stunned with Itsuki’s sword to gain First Strike during battle. There’s also terrifying Savage enemies, black wraiths that can’t be knocked down and which generally are 10+ levels higher than your team. Though dungeons aren’t littered with traps and false floors, they each have a unique gimmick that makes traversal a challenge. While the very first one is incredibly basic, the one immediately after that is a giant step up in terms of complexity and difficulty. It has you manipulate empty mannequins, raising or lowering their arms, then progressing through the cuffs to reach new areas. There’s another that is full of devious cameras that take your picture and return you to the very beginning, not unlike the Wallmasters in Zelda. Pretty much each dungeon is distinct looking and offers a robust challenge, and none other than the first can be breezed through. Most took me more than 2 hours, and the final one easily took 8 or more. Thankfully, early on Tsubasa acquires the Traport skill, which lets you transport yourself back to Fortuna HQ, where you can heal your team with a soda. Depending on the type of can, you will also increase the luck of certain characters temporarily. I had no issue with this, other than my confusion about the very first dungeon having a heal spot, and none of the others. But so long as you don’t mind a little back and forth teleportation, you shouldn’t have any problems getting through these dungeons. Just put on your thinking cap and get ready to fight back hordes of Mirages.

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It wouldn’t be a satisfying RPG without tough bosses, and Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore delivers. Every time I thought I was getting overpowered in the game, the next boss would prove me wrong. None of the bosses here are easy, at least on the Normal difficulty I chose. Most of them can wipe you out in a couple turns, especially if your team is weak to any of their attacks. Each boss usually has a posse of minor foes, and while that might seem unfair, since they can summon more, they’re there for a reason. Namely, so you can defeat the minor foes to build up your Session meter and then unleash powerful attacks on the bosses. I enjoyed the challenge provided by these fights, and only found a handful to be a pain. One was a doppleganger of Yashiro that could split himself into clones, and which would go into a counter stance to parry any physical attacks. Another was Excellus, a floating mechanical mage that changed his resistances during the fight, and which could hit my team with unrelenting magical attacks. There’s a couple others, but overall I wasn’t upset with the more difficult bosses. They just required I be willing to grind up my levels and equipment a bit, a skill I gathered recently thanks to games like Persona Q.

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Now, it wouldn’t be fair to talk about Encore without touching upon the new content. First of all, you have a rather silly (yet awesome) ability at the start to choose whether or not Tsubasa wears glasses in the game. As a fan of the sexy librarian trope, I opted for it. Besides that, the DLC which was previously only available to those that paid for it is part of the main package now. It’s essentially free, since this version of the game costs as much as the base version of the original, $59.99. The DLC, which opens up a couple dungeons into the game, includes 3 areas you can tackle. One is full of Savage enemies that reward you with Tomes which help level up faster; another area gives you Skill Books, for learning new Skills much faster; and lastly one has Detritus, which can be traded for stat boosting Incense. While I’m fine with these options, I didn’t use them much. Mostly cause there was no story there, you can’t save in these areas, and frankly Savage foes are a giant pain in the ass. What I would have preferred was an area full of Rare Mirages, which often drop hard to find Performa necessary for powerful Carnage Unity. In my entire playthrough, I maybe encountered 10 of these Mirages, and what’s worse, they aren’t tied to any specific area. That wasn’t a huge problem til later in the game, but it is worth mention.

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However, the real draw for Encore is the EX Story. It all takes place in a new dungeon called the Area of Aspiration, where supposedly your dreams are brought into physical form. I admit I was tentatively very excited about the EX Story, as I hoped it would provide an excuse to spend more time with this world. Unfortunately, I have to confirm it’s rather short and insubstantial. The story tied to the Area of Aspiration only involves Itsuki, Tsubasa and Kiria, and none of the others. While it’s cool you can find new costumes there, and I appreciated unlocking the use of Tiki, Maiko and Barry in Sessions, that’s also not the same as them being playable characters. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for tiny green dragons, busty ninjas and knights clad in dog-armor, but I also don’t feel like the process of unlocking them was fulfilling. In the main story, you progress in Side Stories and learn more about your teammates, and then those revelations empower them. Here, you just open a chest and get new features. Plus, I’m still not clear how Maiko and Barry, who lack Mirages, magically get the ability to fight Mirages, which the game states over and over again is the sole province of a Mirage Master. And though you can’t get through the Area of Aspiration all at once, since parts of it are gated behind other content, it’s still over way too soon. It only has 3 chapters and one boss. I was really hoping for a meaty dungeon to spend hours and hours in after I beat the final boss. Instead, I got maybe a couple hours of extra content that left me wanting more than the one new song, “She Is”, rewarded to you at the very end of the experience. Which isn’t to say I hated the EX Story, I didn’t. I just feel a game of this caliber deserved better.

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As for how the game game looks and plays, both are fantastic. Even though the original Tokyo Mirage Sessions was on the Wii U, and while the limitations of that console are still apparent (reused enemy models, limited draw distance, a seemingly sprawling map that’s only composed of a few areas), it in no way prevents this from being a beautiful game. I love how random passerby are rainbow colored, or how the Fortuna office gets decorated after various performances with posters, or even the neon portraits of your team during battle. Hell, even though they reuse enemy models with a new coat of paint, there’s a good variety of foes, from giant clown heads to winged raiders to hideous giants and top-hat wearing ghosts. Of special note are the game’s bosses, which each are stunning looking and showcase a distinct aesthetic style. And each of the characters’ different Mirages are all full of personality that is matched by their design. Musically, I love the game equally. While the main combat and exploration themes are somewhat laid back, I live for when the music of performances enters the fray of battle. I still tap my feet to the Duo Arts “Dream Catcher” and “Give Me”, and am always impressed by the Kiria’s bad ass tunes, such as her Ad-lib Performance “The Labyrinth.” There’s tons of rocking tunes in Encore, from a wide range of genres. I never thought I liked J-pop, but Tokyo Mirage Sessions may have proven me wrong. Oh and though I am not fluent in Japanese in the slightest, I loved the personality and pop provided by the vocal cast, in and out of combat.

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Now, while I like almost everything about Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore, reviewing games for this many years has trained me to view things critically. As such, the following are minor frustrations that dragged the experience down a bit. One are the bestiary’s enemy locations. These can be viewed from your main menu, and are integral when you need to farm the right Performa for weapons and skills. Unfortunately, the enemy locations found here don’t correspond to the actual area map. Another issue is that I wish that once you see a scene, you can skip it entirely the next time. Often right before a boss fight there’s a ton of dialogue, and while you can speed through it, you can’t skip it, and you definitely can’t skip Topic notifications that are story related. This made the final boss fight all the harder, since there’s a massive scene right before it, and it takes a good minute and a half to speed through it. I also kind of wish the map wasn’t on the Topic menu, but the other huge main menu, since it can be time consuming transitioning between them. It’s also a bit irritating that you’ll get notifications of a side story about to open up, then have to wait til it’s triggered. This is after you level up your Stage Rank, which is in itself a nebulous process, since there’s no counter that tells you when it’s full, unlike character and Carnage level. And one last thing that really irritated me was that I always had tons of money in-game, literally millions, but not enough things to spend it on. The Carabia boutique has a very limited supply of equipment, and none that is really game changing. Even buying all the costumes from Harajuka left me millions in the bank. I almost wish this game took mechanics from a game like Persona Q, letting you farm materials that you trade in to create new equipment regularly. Other than these, I very much enjoyed the game.

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All in all, I’m still very much a fan of Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE after beating Encore. It’s basically the same game, just with a bit of extra content thrown in and some minor quality of life improvements such as the Quick Session option and faster load times. While I was ultimately unimpressed with the EX Story, I still appreciate being able to play one of my favorite Wii U exclusives on my Switch portably. If you’re a fan of Japanese culture and love crazy RPGs full of heart, you owe it to yourself to play Encore. Now I just have to cross my fingers and pray we get a true sequel that improves on this already fantastic experience.

[easyreview cat1title=”Overall” cat1detail=”” cat1rating=”4.5″]

Review Copy Provided by Publisher

REVIEW: Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore Title Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore

#EX Story #oprainfall #Remake #Review #RPG #Switch #Tokyo Mirage Sessions FE Encore #Wii U

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newagesispage · 5 years

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MARCH 2019

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***** And the men who hold high places must be the ones to start, to mold a new reality closer to the heart. -RUSH

*****The most heroic word in all languages is revolution. – Eugene Debs

***** Words cannot begin to say how I feel about the death of Peter Tork. To lose another Monkee is heartbreaking. It is the circle of life and all things must pass and all the things we say but this one is hard. As they sang themselves, “you say we’re manufactured, to that we all agree” but that was only the beginning. The Monkees are very special to me and mine. Oh sure, some make fun of us for our loyalty and some just don’t get it but this band is a thread thru my life like no other. I always call Davy, ‘the gateway Monkee’ because almost everyone loves him first, he draws you in. Davy seemed cute and talented and not at all imposing and we fall for him. Once you know that you are a fan for life, you find your lifetime Monkee and or you just appreciate the non- manufactured parts. Some of the best memories of my life involve listening to Monkees , from my childhood bedroom to the party residence I had with my teen friends to my child’s childhood bedroom to seeing them LIVE in concert with my son and my sisters. We all understand every reference and we never tired of HEAD, the movie and Micky still makes me swoon. In my family, our middle sister is into Mike and my baby sister was the Torkee . Go in Peace sweet Pete. You may have played the dummy but you never really were to us.*** Peter died of a rare form of cancer called adenoid cystic carcinoma, cancer of the salivary glands. He and his family asked for donations to be made to the institute for the musical arts in Massachusetts, a non -profit that provides young women with music education, recording and community.

***** Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker has announced his budget which includes proposals to legalize recreational marijuana, legalize sports gambling, increase cigarette tax and put taxes in e- cigs and plastic bags.

***** Colin Kaepernick settled with the NFL.**The league will forever have to live with the fact that it was complicit in destroying someone’s career simply because he wished to bring attention to the injustice suffered by his people.- Jemel Hill

***** The new Diane Keaton film, Poms, a definite chick flick ,looks, warm, funny, sad and uplifting. Look for it in May.

***** Looking forward to Larry Charles’ dangerous world of comedy.

***** U.S. Coast Guard officer Chris Hasson has been arrested in an apparent Dem murder plot. No wonder Alec Baldwin is worried, these threats really do exist in this climate.

***** Former Maine Governor Paul LePage spent up to $1,100 a night on stays at Trump hotels with state money. Why do so many politicians think the people’s money is their piggy bank?

***** Amazon pulled out of its NY deal after protests. It seems terrible to me to give big incentives to the richest man in the world but the country needs good jobs. It wasn’t like they were going to just hand cash to Bezos. The 3 billion tax subsidy would have only gone to the company if they produced big revenue. People have the right to have a say in their neighborhoods and the will of the people should be done. In the end the decision was Amazon’s. Next stop?? Nobody knows.

***** Oil lobbyist David Bernhardt will head the interior department.**The new deputy in the EPA, David Dunlap, former Koch industry official was quietly put in place in October. He helped to decide that we won’t set chemical limits on drinking water.

***** Saw Rich Hall recently on something and he got even hotter.

*****So, This seemed like the worst Super Bowl ever. Can we just say football is over already?

***** Cory Booker is so full of sound bites, I mean he never shuts up. Good ideas or not, I think it would get on our nerves.

***** Ok, Michael Moore, we all know U R awesome but U need to watch when they mike you for talk fests because your chin waddle often hits it and it blunts your message. Also.. Boycott Starbucks to fuck with a former CEO so he won’t run for Pres??? C’mon.. U will mostly be hurting the innocent workers who need those jobs, U R for the little guy and so that is just dumb.** Michael Moore is also one of the subjects on a current Finding your Roots on PBS which involves Quakers and slaves.

***** Mormon David Matheson, known for his masters degree in counseling and guidance that he used for gay conversion therapy has announced that he is gay.

***** Thank you John Roberts and the other liberal Supreme Court justices for blocking a new abortion law in La.

***** So glad to see Dirk Blocker and Joel Mckinnon Miller get bumped to the opening credits on Brooklyn 99. It’s about time. We will miss ya Chelsea.

***** The Directors Guild held their awards soiree and honored Alfonso Cuaron, Bo Burnham, Ben Stiller and Tim Wardle. I was thrilled to see love for Adam Mckay for Succession and Bill Hader for Barry. How fucking awesome is that??

***** Rosanna Arquette is joining the cats of Ratched with Finn Whitrock, Amanda Plummer and Sharon Stone. Sarah Paulson will produce for Netflix.

***** The Scary Clown administration has sold military equipment to the UAE and Saudi Arabia that is now driven by Al Qaeda.

***** Japan nominated Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize that they say was requested by the U.S.

***** The State of the Union came and went with more ridiculous slow teleprompter talk. He seemed delighted when he mentioned jobs for women and ow they got elected. The women cheered as they all wore white to commemorate the suffragettes. He was glad to take credit for all their votes. ** We must thank Patton Oswalt for inventing the phrase ‘fuck you clap’ when he saw the way Nancy Pelosi responded to Trump.** “Best State of the Union speech in my lifetime delivered by the best POTUS since George Washington.”- Jerry Falwell.

***** Adam Schiff has announced new investigations into the Presidents finances. Trump is currently in the middle of 17 investigations. He has also written an open letter to his colleagues. He has asked those in congress to come out of the shadows. He claims that privately they tell him to keep doing what he is doing when he calls out the Pres. but he wants them to get some balls and say this in public.

***** The latest in men and their sexual quirks: Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots was arrested for soliciting prostitutes who are allegedly victims of sexual trafficking. He was next seen at an Oscar party.** A Bishop admitted that the church destroyed loads of files concerning sexual abuse allegations.

***** Get ready for season 2 of At home with Amy Sedaris. Woo Hoo!!

***** You Tube Premium has brought us Weird City which looks great!!

***** A judge in North Carolina voided mandates that required photo ID’s to vote. Hooray, one for the good guys!!

***** Amy Klobuchar is running for President.

***** The Justice Department has opened a probe into the plea deal given to Jeff Epstein for rape that was made by Secretary Acosta.

***** Virginia seems to be in a lot of trouble when it comes to racism, sexual harassment and politics.

***** Subpoena’s show that all parts of Trumps life, business, personal, charity, campaign, are now under investigation.

***** The National debt has topped $22 trillion for the first time.** It is all such a show. This administration is like when I used to go to the Pentecostal church where they speak in tongues or like calling a psychic , believing a televangelist even after there is proof he is stealing their money or reading a National Enquirer. It is a show built to entertain with no substance and filled with lies. The flock holds signs that say’ build the wall’ until he tells them to hold signs that say ‘finish the wall’ and they do. I mean, do they really believe him or do they just love a dictator because they can’t think for themselves?? It is impossible to figure these people out. Scary Clown is easy to figure but the followers?? How do we relate to these people?? He declares a national emergency for something he has screamed about since day one and only now is it bad enough to declare and yet he signs a deal which Rand Paul called, “massive, bloated and secretive.” The deal gave him 1.375 mil for ‘fences’ and an increase in spending for homeland security. His signature does keep the government open. Why didn’t they give him his money when they had the house and the Senate and Paul Ryan was in charge?? It seems he and Mitch would rather throw shade at the Dems and show that he can throw his weight around. It was unforgiveable to see the damage that caused. The Lincoln home national historic site is taking steps to keep the home open next time, just in case. What we have here is a giant smokescreen for all his nefarious wrongdoing.** The true emergency is taking place in his skull. -Stephen Colbert

***** Pelosi warns that a declaration of emergency could start things down a dangerous road. She warns as an example that a Democratic Pres may use it to get guns under control or something. I am sure Mitch and the boys are not worried. They probably think (and perhaps rightly) that Dems wouldn’t go that far because they have a conscious and follow the rules.

***** Of course, it is probably icing on the cake for the wallers but it is fucking with the butterfly habitat. They are already clearing spots to put up this wall and it is messing up the natural butterfly migration.** Ted Cruz says that El Chapo should pay for the wall.

***** GO NON SEQUITUR!!!!!!! Go Wiley Miller!!!

***** Governor Cuomo signed the child victims act into law. Victims of sexual abuse will have until age 55 to file civil lawsuits and seek criminal charges until age 28.

***** Matt Whitaker went to congress to testify. He agreed to talk but only if he weren’t subpoenaed. Whitaker dodged and weaved the whole time. He did say that he never denied funds to Mueller and that he never spoke to Trump about the investigation.

***** Calling a black POTUS married 25 years to 1 wife with 2 children, no mistresses, affairs or scandals, ‘the antichrist’ but a white POTUS married thrice, 5 kids by 3 women, mistresses, affairs and scandals, “God’s anointed, proves your religion is white supremecy. –Bishop Talbert Swan.

***** Former Fox news talking head, Lea Gabrielle has been appointed special envoy and coordinator of global engagement to counter foreign propaganda disinformation.

***** Andrew McCabe has a new book, The Threat: How the FBI protects America in the age of terror and Trump.

***** Trumps El Paso rally was a bit more raucus than usual. We all know these things are just gonna get worse. BBC photojournalist Ron Sleans was attacked by a man yelling, “enemy of the people.”

***** The latest in sexual harassment news: A report found at least 700 victims of Southern Baptist church leaders and volunteers. And people wonder why members are leaving religion.** Ryan Adams is being looked at for sexually inappropriate behavior with a minor that involves skype and texts. Several women have accused him in a Times article. Technology gets ‘em everytime.

***** Illinois is headed toward a $15 minimum wage by 2025. It will kick off with a $1 bump in January.

***** This can’t be right: 1.6 million Americans don’t have indoor plumbing.

***** Oh how I wish the original cast of Cuckoo could all get back together.

***** Check out George Takei’s new graphic memoir, They Called Us Enemy. The story is about his experience in the internment camps.

***** Modern Family will end after the 11th season.

***** Jeff Bezos wrote an essay about the despicable way that the Enquirer threatened to blackmail him. He put it right out there like Letterman. It really does show how guys like Trump and Pecker do business. Is this all some elaborate plan by God to weed out all these selfish, soulless fuckers?? I mean why do so many men feel so worthless that they have to assert themselves so forcefully? Why do they bully women and hide their inadequacies? Why do they impose their beliefs with a vengeance by calling it the will of God or the will of the people?? ** Ronan Farrow and other journalists are coming forward to tell tales of how the Enquirer threatened them as well. Surprise! More bullies!** AMI is broke with a net worth of negative $200 million. Why did it take so long? **Amazon made $11 billion and it seems they don’t have to pay any taxes.

***** The Iowa caucuses are just 1 year away.

***** Candace Payne is a beautiful soul who has now started a whole new movement for the homeless. She bought 30 rooms for the homeless when the cold plunged below zero. The word went out and before it was all over, with the help of others, they assisted 122 people. It got Candace to thinking that she could use her job in real estate to flip houses to start housing the homeless.

***** I find myself getting excited about the Lion King coming this summer.

***** The house is working on the issues of guns which may get lost in the shuffle of all the other news. Go Go Go!!

***** The Grammys went wild for women this year with a record number of wins. I was so excited to see Jimmy Carter win his third for his audiobook, Faith: A Journey for all. Dave Chapelle and Weird Al both won. Buddy Guy won for best Trad Blues and Willie won for best Trad pop vocal. And hooray for Greta Van Fleet for best rock album. The best song in years to me was awarded Best rap/sung performance to Childish Gambino for This is America. Joy Villa had a MAGA purse and Rebel wore a Trump jacket.** Best dressed, to me, were Fred Armisen, Angela Aquilal, Saint Heart, Maren Morris, Jameel Jamil, James Blake, Cardi B and Lady Gaga. The WTF goes to Andrea Echeverri .

***** The BAFTA’s happened the same night as the Grammys. Roma wins the top prize and grabs director too. The Favourite won big. Olivia Colman and Rami Malek took home prizes. Black Panther was awarded for visual effects. I was so happy to see Blackkklansman get the nod for adapted screenplay. ** I thought the best dressed were Timothee Chalamet, Regina King, Yalitza Apamcio and Duchess Kate. The WTF goes to Margot Robbie

***** Judd Apatow is producing 2 new projects. We will have a gay rom com with Billy Eichner and a semi -autobiographical comedy from Pete Davidson.

***** Payless Shoe Source will be a thing of the past.

***** So yes, we have 4% unemployment and 69% feel good about the economy but credit card debt is bigger than ever and those making late payments are at a record high.

***** Alexandria Ocasio Cortez has yet to set up a district office.

***** Everyone is talking about a Golden Girls cruise that will set sail next year.

***** CNN has hired Michael Caputo and Corey Lewandowski.

***** Tulsi Gabbard is running for President.

***** Bernie Sanders is running for President.

***** This Jussie Smollett thing gets stranger all the time. He was arrested for his lies and charged with paying people to beat him. He allegedly wanted more pay at Empire and some publicity. He got the publicity but was written off Empire. We will see how things play out.

***** Studies show that blueberries may be as effective as some meds for high blood pressure.

***** R Kelly was arrested finally. I think Chicago PD is tired of messing around.

***** Insulin prices have more than doubled in the last few years. In the first 2 days of 2019, 286 drug prices went up in price. Bernie Sanders has introduced a bill to cut drug costs by cutting out special interests.

***** The 91st Oscars went off without a host. Queen with Adam Lambert opened the show in probably the best Oscar opening I have ever seen. It seemed to make everybody happy!! My best dressed were Billy Porter, Willem Dafoe, Adam Lambert, Melissa McCarthy, Helen Mirren, Michelle Yeoh, Henry Golding, Chadwick Boseman, Kelly Ripa, Jordan Peele, Lay Gaga, Leslie Bibb, Chelsea Peretti, Bette Midler, my Adams, Regina King and Dana Guirira. The WTF was Gemma Chan. I did not think Brian Tyree Henry was all that best dressed but he is so fucking talented and so fucking hot. Give this guy some awards!! Rami Malek won best actor and fell off the stage. Olivia Colman was the only real surprise. It was great to see Spike Lee win for writing and I am glad he made a statement but what about the other guys with you? I was really pulling for BlacKkKlansman or Black Panther for best pic but it went to Green Book. A lot of people grumbled about that. It really does seem that Tina, Amy and Mia should just host everything, no controversy there.

***** So, Michael Cohen testified 2 days behind closed doors and 1 day for the public. That was a thing! Why did all the southern republicans behave as if we are all idiots and not worth a thought from their fine selves? Besides Trump and his family and cohorts, I never saw humans so righteous, so smug. How dare they call this Cohen testimony a circus after the circus we have all been subject to from this scary clown 45. Carol Miller did not even seem to care that our President is a crook. She just wanted to denigrate Cohen. She was concerned that they couldn’t be looking into real issues like child separation. Are you fucking kidding me? Ya’ll created this problem and now you are concerned? The weirdest was questioning from Kelly Armstrong, I mean what was wrong with him, he was shaking like he needed a fix or he was on a coke binge. Jamie Raskin called him “frantic and unhinged”. I thought it was just my tv until I heard that. How do we take these people seriously? They actually printed a sign for the occasion that read’ liar, liar, pants on fire.’ They are talking about BIG, REAL problems with our leader. Don’t get me wrong, Cohen is a liar and deserves to go to prison but it should not just be him. There are many complicit in these dastardly deeds. Cohen claims he has threatened people aprox. 500 times for his former boss, Donald J. Trump. Russian collusion was not really cleared up for he did not have any direct info just speculation. Cohen did however feel that Trump would have never hit his wife or had a love child. He looked into it and found nothing to support these claims which, in my mind, made him believable. It also sounds like CFO Allen Weisselberg and the Trump children are just as guilty as Trump himself. It looks like they will now have to testify as well. And how can we believe anything from the President when his ego allows him to fuck with charity money just to jack up the price of his own portrait and manipulates polls so he looks good? There was much more to see and I suggest you look it all up on C-span if you missed it. There is more to come as Cohen tells us there are many things being investigated that he can’t even comment on. The highlights to me were his opening statement, the financial questioning from Alexandria Ocasio Cortez and chairman of the oversight committee’s Elijah Cummings closing. It’s not like we haven’t heard this stuff before. All roads lead to this al making sense. Anybody who paid attention before Trump was President would know his character.** Republican congressman Matt Gaetz tweeted a threat to Michael Cohen about his alleged girlfriend. The President and his thugs sure are open about their intimidation, no shame at all.

***** The prototypes of the wall were demolished. An owl flew out of one of them.

***** Wal Mart is eliminating the greeter position. It was about the only thing I admired about them. The elderly and disabled are fucked out of another job. Way to go.

***** Isreal Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is being indicted for bribery and fraud.

***** I will never understand this obsession with money.

***** Farmers are finding it tough. They do not want welfare and many of their loans have become delinquent. The tariffs and low crop prices are really hurting our farmers.

***** If you ever watch Seth Meyers, the wrap up of the Oscars from’ Amber says what’ was her best yet. Check it out!

***** Days alert: More Adrienne please, give her a story!**

***** The trailer for Jordan Peele’s new Twilight Zone looks fucking amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***** R.I.P. Alsa Mashzoub, Kristoff St. John, Julie Adams, Albert Finney, James Ingram, Frank Robinson, John Dingee , the Aurora shooting victims, Lee Radziwill, David Horowitz, Karl Lagerfeld, those lost in the Bangladesh fire, Fred Foster, Stanley Donen, Mark Hollis, Jackie Shane, Peter Tork and Gail Reynolds.

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